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♪ You're coming in dry and leaving with your years ♪
♪ That's what little moving sound she never heard before ♪
♪ And I didn't wanna leave my bed ♪
♪ To come and sing above your bed ♪
♪ There's no one left around and ignores me anymore ♪
♪ You're coming for another as we promised to hang around ♪
♪ And open our backstage before our we nailed it ♪
♪ 'Cause I didn't wanna leave my bed ♪
♪ To come and sing above your bed but ♪
♪ There's no one left around and ignores me anymore ♪
♪ Well she's come between us ♪
♪ So calm down and meet him, my friend ♪
♪ But she's come to free us ♪
♪ So calm down and meet her ♪
♪ My she's come between us ♪
♪ So slow down and reason where I am ♪
♪ My friend ♪
- I can do this.
- Hello, you handsome son of a bitch.
Time for me to get what's mine.
Wendy?
- I'm in the kitchen.
- Hey.
- Hello.
- Smells
good.
- Thanks.
- Oh, uh, what do you want me to do with
Will's will thingy here?
- Oh,
just leave it on the table,
I'm gonna put it in my bedroom until later.
- Whatever.
Where's that kid of yours?
- Dana is at my parent's.
- That
is excellent news.
- I'm going to ignore that.
- Yes, I've noticed.
No wine glasses?
- There's no wine, so.
- Who hosts a dinner party without wine?
- Wayne, I can't afford it.
- Then I guess I'm off to the liquor store
to procure some wine
with my fabulous Derek Jeter-like wealth.
Even those poor bastards at the last supper had wine.
- Look, Wayne.
- Yeah.
- Can we please be civil tonight?
- It was ridiculous while Will was alive,
but now that he's dead, let's just drop the charade,
shall we?
Yeah.
- What an asshole!
- Hello.
- Hi.
- It's just that boarding school is so far away.
- It'll be all right.
We'll see each other on
weekends.
- Weekends?
But it won't be the same.
- No,
it won't be.
It'll never be like this again!
Thank you for coming, Steve.
- Of course.
- Dinner should be ready soon,
please make yourself comfortable.
- Thanks.
You all right?
I'm fine, fine.
- Mm.
Would you get that, Steve?
- Yeah, no problem, sure.
Tom.
- Hi Steve.
- Come in!
- Thanks.
So, are you?
- Wendy's in the kitchen, cooking,
I just got here like
a moment ago.
Some decor.
- I was just thinking the same thing.
Does it bother you?
- No, why would it?
- Well, it's making me feel a little uncomfortable.
- I have a minor flower allergy,
but nothing that debilitates me to the point of...
- I was talking more about the pictures of Will.
- No, why would it?
- Well, there's
an unusually large number of pictures of Will.
- No, I mean, I'm fine with it.
Really.
What's done is done.
I didn't see you at the funeral.
- I was out of town, man,
I was able to make the wake, though.
- Oh,
your dad?
- Yeah, I had to check him into the hospital again.
- Ka boom!
- Lower your voice!
- Relax.
Geez, who died?
Oh yeah.
- Do you think it's a party?
Well, you know,
it's kind of a party,
I mean, it's not a very good party, but you know,
it's a dinner party, so, that's a kind of party.
- It's not a party at all.
- Hey, it's Dr. Tom.
Dr. Tom.
- Hello Dave.
- Hey, you guys look, a,
you guys are pretty good, you're all pimping.
Pimping!
- And you look like you're going down the shore.
- It's Friday.
Let me ask you a question,
is there a large amount of flowers here, like unusually,
like, too many flowers?
- Well the man is dead!
- Lower your voice.
- Her husband died, okay!
She can put out a few flowers.
- But it's like the fucking Rose Bowl in here.
- There does seem to be some
compensation going on for something.
Lower your voice!
- Look, all I'm saying,
I'm sitting here, I look the flowers,
I look at the picture, I look at more flowers,
I see another photo, I see more flowers,
I see another photo, I see another photo, I see flowers!
- Shut up!
- It's unhealthy.
It's not like there's a kinda singul shrine to Will in here.
He's a doctor.
- It's more like a pharaoh's tomb,
and it's not like these flowers
are left over from the funeral,
that was too long, they'd be dead by now.
- Like Will.
- Shut up, Dave!
- You get offended every time I say anything!
You're like a mother hen.
- What?
- You know what you sound like?
You sound like Mary's mother from "It's A Wonderful Life".
Steve, let me ask you a question,
when was the last time you made violent love to a woman?
Was it Wendy? - Stop right there, okay.
Lower your voice, stop acting like a dick.
- Steve. - What the hell was...
- Steve, Steve,
this night is becoming a little too much for you,
I can see that.
- You're actually becoming a little...
- Yeah, that's fine.
What I need you to do, is sit down, relax, okay?
I'll go in the kitchen, check on the beer 'sitch.
- I'll check the beer 'sitch. - No, you sit down and relax,
everything's gonna be fine.
Maybe I'll touch a boob, I don't know.
- Oh, fuck you.
- Hey.
Keeping secrets?
- More like
protecting my interests.
- Whatever.
You got any beer?
- No.
- Right, you don't drink beer,
I forgot about your aversion to fun.
- I have an aversion
to irresponsibility, if that's what you mean.
- A couple of beers is not irresponsible.
- It is if you need to spend that money on food.
- Beer was used as a source of nutrition
during the Black Plague.
- A problem modern sanitation
seems up to the challenge of handling, don't you think?
- Yeah, I spend a lot of time
thinking about the Black Plague.
- You used to spend a lot of time
thinking about a lot of things,
maybe if just would have applied yourself a little bit
instead of dropping out of school,
then we wouldn't be.. - I don't have any interest
in discussing things that happened between us
like 10 years ago.
Like, at all.
- Right.
- Well, there's no beer.
- Wendy doesn't drink beer.
- Yeah, right right.
- Tom,
hello. - Hello.
- Well, dinner is almost ready,
you wanna follow me into the kitchen.
- Well, this is great, Wendy.
- And the presentation!
- And what fabulous window treatment!
Oh, and what a great centerpiece, amazing!
Can we eat now?
- We are waiting for Wayne.
- Sure.
- Did you get a cat?
- No, I have no idea what that sound was.
So, Tom, how's your practice going,
is it tough being out there on your own?
- Tough isn't the word,
it's hard to get new patients and
you can forget about word of mouth
when your best customers are wackos.
- Wackos?
Is that a technical term, doctor?
- Well,
not really, but
sometimes, I...
Do you ever think that maybe
you've gone into the wrong profession?
Yes.
- I shouldn't tell you guys this, but
what the hell.
I'll be sitting there listening to a patient
and they're going on about God knows what,
dumb stuff, boring stuff,
ridiculous stuff that's not real,
and part of me wants to grab them by the lapels
and start screaming in their face!
But, I know I can't do that.
So instead, I just end up shutting down, literally,
and I fall asleep in the middle of a session.
- So you fell asleep once, big deal.
- More like once a day.
- Oh.
- Minimum. - Oh.
- I'm only doing slightly better than that.
- If you're staying awake,
you're doing a lot better than me.
- I'm staying awake,
but I can be talking, I'm in court,
I don't even know what I'm saying.
I'll be talking and all of the sudden I find myself
spouting gibberish.
Murder,
and we've all made that mistake,
accidents happen.
We've all done it, I know I've done it,
you've done it, you've done it,
I'm sure your honor has done it.
- Counselor.
- We all make mistakes.
It's a very easy mistake to make.
It's very easy to scratch the paint on your car,
you know, 'cause you have your key out,
and on the key is the button to unlock the door!
- Counselor.
- Same button, same key.
- Counselor! - Which brings me
to my client's state of mind on February the 5th, 2011.
Gibberish, it's embarrassing.
Hello?
- We're in the back.
- Yo,
I brought wine.
- One bottle for five people, thank you.
And it's a twist off.
- So, why do you drink wine, Wayne?
- I only drink cheap Italian wine.
You mean instead of beer?
- Well, stereotypically speaking,
a lot of sports fans like yourself
tend to drink more beer than wine.
- More alcohol per volume, son!
Besides, beer is quire and liquor is thicker,
but wine is fine, or something like that.
So, what were you guys talking about?
- Work,
Tom's practice, Steve's practice.
- Oh doc, I have a question for you,
does anyone come in with like weird dreams?
'Cause I've been having the same one
over and over.
- What about?
- You know that scene in "Fight Club"
where Brad Pitt and Ed Norton realize
that they're the same person?
- Thanks a lot!
- Oh, my God, that was like 15 years ago, seriously?
Anyway, so, I'm Ed Norton in the dream, right.
- Yeah.
- Well, there's more.
Instead of my second personality
being a soap making, underground boxing,
terrorist cell leader, okay?
- Okay.
- He's on his way to becoming a Catholic deacon.
Really, what?
- Yeah, a Catholic deacon.
- Well,
you are catholic.
- I'm agnostic.
- Right, well, so, instead of
like being chiseled Brad Pitt, you're
just really, really into catholicism?
Exactly.
- But he is.
- Like, I confess how you wanna confess,
I worship how you wanna worship, it's fucking weird.
- I think
you're going to be okay.
- Thanks doc.
- And what about you, Steve,
how are things at your practice?
- It's,
it's funny what he said, it's actually a lot like
Tom was saying, it's really, really hard
to get the word out.
A lot of my clients have to go pro bono, so,
you know, people that are getting picked on by the system.
- Like Santa Claus.
What?
- How've you not seen "Miracle On 34th Street"?
- For one, I'm Jewish.
- That's no excuse.
- Not an excuse, it's a reason.
- Are you representing Kris Kringle or not?
- That is the sort of case we would do, yes,
hypothetically, doesn't pay well though.
- So,
couldn't you do some kind of advertising then?
To bring in a more prosperous client?
- Well, advertising, yeah.
Well, the thing is the
my mortgage and the insurance
and the insurance for the business itself and
I don't have the money,
to budget in for advertising and investment.
- Well, you know, Will always said that
you are a very good lawyer,
so I'm sure this will all work itself out.
- Well, thanks.
- So.
- The store.
- Yes Dave, how are things down at the toy store?
- The Spider's Web is not a toy store!
- But it's like you sell toys, right?
- We sell comic books, graphic novels,
various collectables and busts.
- Bust?
- No, not busts, like busts.
Although, that would be awesome though, right?
Right?
Completely different kind of store, right?
- How is the collectables business this days?
- Pretty much sucks.
You know, the collectables and the busts do okay.
- Busts.
- But weekly comic books sales,
just don't drive foot traffic anymore, you know,
we're lucky to get people in a few times a year.
- How could that be?
I see like 10 comic book movies last year alone.
- Yeah, well you know,
there's no much trickle down actually.
Things be the way they are,
we're lucky if we make it through the rest of the year.
- Oh, jeez, I'm sorry to hear that, man.
- I'm sorry, Dave.
- Yeah, I'm sorry, Dave, jeez!
- Yeah, well, you know, things could be worse.
Could be dead.
Right?
- Right.
- To life.
Right? - To life.
To life.
One of those.
give me that, put it, click it,
put it on there, if you catch that, yeah.
Don't be quiet.
- So, well, what about you, Wendy,
are you cooking anywhere now?
- I'm in between jobs right now,
the vegan chef market is bigger than it used to be
but it's still,
pretty fucking small!
- Would it kill you to grill up a steak?
- It would kill the cow!
Are you still a
bigger movie aficionado as you used to be, Dave?
- I try to watch a movie that I've never seen
every single night.
- What an ambitious goal.
- Oh yeah, it's the test.
- I'm sorry?
- Yeah, I'm just saying watching movies is great,
now can read this will thing, or what's the story?
- Seriously.
- It's in my,
it's in my bedroom, I'll get it,
I'll get it after dinner.
- All right.
- I'm sorry, it's just,
I hear what I have to confront,
it's so head on, you know?
- There are photos of him everywhere.
For real, it's like Will's portrait studio up in this peace.
- It's just
so hard.
- Yeah, you know, it's probably harder than Will
being dead and all.
- Oh, for God's sakes!
- I'm just saying, that Will is the one who is dead
and if you wanna feel bad for somebody, feel bad for Will.
- It's not as if nothing happened to me.
- You got the house!
- That I have no way of paying for.
- Yet your budget has an individual lying item
for enough flowers to make poison Ivy herself flash.
- What?
- He's doing a Batman reference.
- Pamela Isley, it's Batman doing this.
- Oh,
well, flowers are fake.
- You're fake! - All right,
that's enough.
- Enough of what?
- Dude!
- I'm just saying we all have problems
and I don't think anybody here
is particularly happy with their situation
and I'm not gonna sit here, okay,
and pretend the their marriage
was anything more than a charade.
- You need to stop now!
- Oh, get a grip!
And by the way,
you need to learn how to work the privacy settings
on your social media a little better.
- I went out on one date with that moron
while Will and I were separated
and he photoshopped my face onto that picture.
- So you're saying
the princess Leia "Return To The Jedi" costume
is not tucked away in your attic?
Because that's the saddest thing I've ever heard.
- I'm happy with my situation.
- Excuse me for a second,
what's that?
- A second ago you were saying nobody at the table
was happy with their situation in life, I'm good.
- You have no idea what you're talking about,
Will made it this way with his
high stakes, short selling, whatever.
- Is that why he killed himself?
- Dude!
- He did not kill himself.
- Oh, but it was you then? - Okay,
this is a good opportunity
for everyone to take a deep breath.
Good.
Have a sip of wine.
Take another deep breath.
- This is not over.
- And we can focus our energy
in a more positive direction.
- Yeah, but why don't we go around the table
and
share some things about Will,
'cause that's why we're here.
- We're certainly here because of Will.
- Exactly.
So, I'll start, I'll start.
Will was very,
Will was, Will was very clean!
He was clean.
- That was a well trimmed beard.
- Sort of made it look like Frasier, you know.
- Yes, yes I can see that, yeah.
- I remember he borrowed large sums of money from me
and was never able to pay me back.
- Yeah,
that. - Cheers.
- I had such a good time
watching the World Series with Will.
Wendy put out an amazing spread that month.
He was so happy, he really enjoyed that.
That's why I'll always remember him,
embracing euphoria.
- I'll remember he was pissed drunk that night.
Oh, Will.
- Oh, please.
- Did anybody see the game
last night?
- No.
I was helping Dana with her book report.
- Awful pitching.
- Yeah, it was terrible.
- If we learned anything from 2004,
it's that you can plug in your way to World Series.
- Started pitching with championships.
- So, what's the book report on?
- Thank you, Jackie Robinson.
- Oh, that's good, that's good.
- Good coincidence, we're just talking about baseball
and then a baseball player.
- A parkway too.
- Yeah.
- Well, I got a long drive ahead of me,
the dinner was
something,
but he's out.
- What, you're leaving?
- Yep.
- What about the addendum?
- Codicil.
- Is a what now?
- Codicil, your add or evoke changes
to an already existing will.
- Never mind.
- This,
it's about all I can stand,
besides, Will already left me
his share of our parents bungalow in Cape May,
I'm gonna go out there and I'm gonna sell that house,
then I'm gonna have the bank
convert that money into dollar bills,
and I'm gonna roll around in it for a little while,
maybe build a little fort out of it,
then I'm gonna go find young bitches, with loose morals,
who likes small unmarked bills.
- What about Wendy?
- That's gross.
- She is distraught.
- She's always distraught.
She cries if they mess up her order at Taco Bell,
and she's my sister in law,
and you know her, all right, Steve,
so you got this, right?
I trust you, Will trusted you, Wendy...
No.
- Wendy's sitting right over there,
I'm sure she can handle all this bullshit,
but as for me, goodnight, goodbye and good luck.
- What the hell!
- Excuse me for a moment, please.
- Would you stop antagonizing her?
- I'm just keeping it real.
- What?
- I said, I'm keeping it real.
- It is important to be yourself
and not keep things bottled up.
- Yes, but can we ride the line a bit closer
to a polite etiquette for the grieving widow, and
further from a stand up comic parading a heckler.
- Conflict can help us confront unresolved issues
in relationships.
- Grieving widow, my ass!
- Stop being an asshole.
- Will you stop being a whiny little bitch!
- Name calling isn't productive.
Lower your voice!
- Sorry about that.
- No problem just, we were, - No problem.
- Just chatting.
- Does anyone care for fruit or dessert?
- Oh.
- You can't recycle that.
- Why not?
- Because the number's too high.
- What does that mean?
- There's a little number inside the triangle,
and in this case it's a five.
take five, so it has to go in the trash.
- That's bullshit.
- That's the rule.
- Did you make the dessert
with the fermented grapes in the watermelon that I like?
- No.
- So Dave, what happened here?
- Life son!
It's a hard world out there.
- Well, I meant the cane.
- Oh, I got shot in the foot.
What?
- I got shot in the foot.
- How the hell did that happen?
- Hey, you know, there was a
robbery at the grocery store and I was there.
- Holy shit, that was you.
- Yeah, you know, I'm a pretty much a superstar hero.
It hurt, you know, but whatever, I gotta lick in.
So, I'm standing in the grocery store,
minding my own business,
and pondering the world of pickled cucumber delights,
when all of a sudden, a masked maniac bursts in
yelling and screaming
as he brandishes his phallic weapon at the innocent.
Women and children shuttered in terror,
while the men found themselves covered in their own urine,
collecting in perfect circles
between their unweathered boat shoes.
An elderly man powered by a sudden surge of adrenaline
was spry and seemed ready to intervene,
but instead, dove for cover behind a yellow mustard display.
Greatest Generation my ass.
Meanwhile, the nefarious villain was all, "Hands in the air"
as he came directly into my fields of attack.
A vile view of a fallen man, it was as terrible as the dawn
treacherous as the seas.
He stood at the head of the aisle with his back to me,
and I took up in my hands, the mighty jar condiment
and rained down delicious justice upon his crown.
- So, you hit the guy.
- Yeah, you know, I hit him with the jar pickles.
- You what?
- They didn't mention that in the news, did they?
Yeah, you know, this guy was all like, "Hands in the air",
you know, but his back was turned,
so I smashed him in the head with the jar of pickles.
You know, his gun went off a couple of times though
and he got me in the foot.
Actually kind of a shame,
it was a really good jar of pickles.
You know, the deal kind?
- Pretty lucky.
- Yeah, I think the word that the cops used was brave,
but yeah.
- What if you had missed?
What if he had pointed the gun up instead of down
and shot you in the head?
You put yourself and everyone in that store in danger.
- I couldn't just stand around
and wait for somebody else to get hurt.
- Tom's a psychiatrist,
so I'll leave the analyzing to him.
Steve, Steve's a lawyer, so
he's my go to guy for legal advice.
When I'd like to stop somebody
from committing a criminal act,
I'd rather wait for the cops
than some guy who stacks shelves in a toy store.
- That's not unreasonable.
- You're just jealous
that I Batman the shit out of that guy.
- You could have killed him.
- He could have killed me.
- Yeah, well,
I think you're both making some very valid points here,
I mean, Wendy is talking about
the dangers of vigilantism, which is very valid,
whereas Dave...
- My point is that I'm Batman,
and if anyone points a gun at me,
they have my permission to die.
- You said his back was to you.
- Yeah, you know, same difference.
- Isn't that how
Will died?
I mean, not the armed robbery guy,
I don't, I'm sorry, I was out of town when it happened
and I had to leave right after the service.
- Yes,
it was
a blow to the head.
- Blunt force trauma.
- I get it, McCoy.
- But how?
How did it come to pass that he was hit in the head?
- I'm sorry,
excuse me.
- Jesus.
- Well, if everyone's done with dessert, we can
make ourselves more comfortable in the living room.
Can I get anyone anything else?
- Could we just do this thing now?
- Dave!
- No, he's right.
I'll go get the document.
- Big money, big money, big money, big money
and Wendy's stop!
- Lower your goddamn voice.
- Don't act like you don't need the money.
- I need the money.
Of course, I need the money, we all need the money,
Will knows
that we needed money, presumably why he left us some money.
- I thought Will lost all his money.
- Lower your voice.
- Well, here it is.
I am,
I think Wayne preferred, you do the honors
and I certainly have no objection.
- Be happy to.
I mean, I'm not happy to read your dead husband's Will
addendum, codicil.
Let's begin.
- Sorry.
- All right, from the desk of William.
Greetings friends, if you're reading this,
I'm dead or missing
or in a coma with no chance of regaining consciousness.
Anyway, if you're mourning for me, thanks. that's nice.
If not, that's okay, too,
it's not as though you can hurt my feelings at this point.
I'm sure you're wondering why
I brought you all here tonight,
instead of bequeathing through the standard procedure,
but as you know,
I've had quite a bit of trouble with the authorities,
and I felt that some things were better left
below board, if you will.
So, that's why now,
I should explain why you,
you five specifically,
Wayne, my beloved brother,
and Wendy,
my wife,
Tom and Steve, my oldest friends,
and of course,
Dave, the best roommate any co Ed could ask for.
- Lambda, lambda, lambda, bitches.
- I've asked you all here
to participate in something of a treasure hunt.
Again, because of the IRS,
trusting such a thing as this to a bank,
or a lawyer, no offense, Steve,
didn't seem prudent.
I have left this last gift to all of you
and have hidden it safely
within the confines of these walls.
I dare not mentioned the exact location,
lest this document should fall into the wrong hands,
but rest assured, if you all work together
and use the memories of time well spent here,
you'll find what you're looking for.
Good luck to you all,
but you should probably burn this because again, the IRS.
Excelsior, Will.
- So, there's money hidden in my house?
- That's what it sounds like.
- And it doesn't say where?
- No, I read the whole thing,
fine tooth comb.
- But is there like a picture in there or something,
like of the faucet with the snake on it in "Harry Potter"?
- That's it.
- Well, we have to start looking for it,
we have no other choice.
- Well, I can't think of anything.
- Then it's settled.
Wendy, it's your house, how should we proceed?
- I think we can safely eliminate the garage
as Will never went in there,
so, that leaves us with just the house to search.
So, I guess we just divide up and start looking?
- Yeah, you know what?
I'll take the basement, all right, lasers boo boo boo.
- Okay, so that just leaves
this floor in the attic to search.
I prefer to search the bedrooms.
- Yeah, right?
'Cause it's your personal stuff, personal private stuff,
stuff that belongs to you, panties.
Tom and I will look upstairs.
- Great.
- We'll check the attic.
- Thank you.
After you.
- Why don't you go first.
- Thanks, Tom.
Holy shit.
- Where should we start?
- This side.
- Jeez, there's a lot of stuff in this attic.
I could go through all this all night with a fluoroscope
and still not find anything.
- We don't have all night, let's just look real quick,
so we can get right back to helping Wendy.
- I'd rather she came up here to help us.
- Did you hear that?
- Hear What?
- I don't know, let's just keep looking.
- What are we looking for?
- Are you aware that I know everything that you know,
it's probably just a lockbox or a portable safe.
- I found.
- What?
- A lightsaber.
- Oh,
does it work?
- It does.
- I'll call Dave.
- We're never gonna find anything in all this mess,
let's just go find Wendy, see what she suggests.
- All right.
- Open the door.
- I'm trying.
- What? - It's locked.
- How the hell did that happen?
- I have no idea!
- Okay.
- How are we gonna get out of here?
- I'll call Dave.
- No, I'll call Wendy.
Hi,
find any goodies?
So, funny story, Tom and I are up to the attic
and the door is locked.
Okay, we'll see in a bit.
guess this is what it's like,
we don't know how that happened,
bye.
On a shmuck, Tom.
- Hey, ham.
- Thanks.
- Yeah.
- I am so sorry about that,
it's a twistlock doorknob,
so you gotta be careful with that.
- Yeah, could have sworn that we left it open.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, whatever,
hand me the lightsaber.
Hmm,
late 90s,
vintage,
Phantom Menace line.
Quite a g-model,
hmm.
Hmm, still works.
Where did you get this?
- You gave it to Will.
- Oh, did I?
- Well, any luck up there?
- There's a lot of stuff up there.
- Yeah, we were hoping that maybe you can
give us the cliff notes.
- Bet it was a long shot anyway,
Will never went up there.
So, should we keep looking?
- Yeah, time is money, money's time.
Let's go.
Let's all keep looking.
Get back to work.
- I'm done with the attic.
Mind if I join you?
- Yeah, sure, why not?
- That's okay, I'll stay
and cover the nuts and crannies up there.
You sure?
- Yeah, I'm good, I got this.
- Okay, well, if you need anything, give us a call.
- Will do.
- Lasers, boo boo boo.
- Don't you mean laser swords?
- Yeah, well, you know, I love to sit around all night
and talk about the "Star Wars" prequels, but you know,
we get into "Phantom Menace",
we'll be here all day and night, you know what I mean?
- Fair enough.
- Alright.
- So, how far did you get?
- Not very.
I found some of his booze
and a lot of workout magazines
and Richard Simmons workout videos.
- Yeah, he was
into
stuff.
- Yeah.
Hey, I got an idea,
maybe he howled out a book and hid cash in it,
like in "The Shawshank Redemption"?
You ever see that movie?
- It's on TV every weekend.
- Ah, yeah.
Well, let's look anyway.
- This is so fucking stupid.
- Yeah, you have a better idea?
- Not really, we don't even know what we're looking for.
- What do you mean?
- What do you expect to find, a cashier's check,
a lot of hundred dollar bills?
- Yes.
- That would be nice.
- It'd be better than nice.
An injection of cash is just what I need
to save my business.
- I know what you mean.
My father's medical expenses
are really spiraling out of control,
I'm pretty much broke.
- Yeah, me too.
Like, you know, what, Tom?
A day may come when we have to give up our businesses
and start working at Walmart,
but it is not this day, a day may come where
we will give up looking for money we didn't earn,
but it is not this day.
A day may come when we will say fuck it, let's go to a bar,
but it is not this day,
this day we look, look for money, join me shrink road head,
join me.
- Hello.
- Tom is helping Dave in the basement
and the attic is just a bus,
so I was wondering if you needed any help in here.
- Oh,
yeah, sure, that would be great.
Would you mind going through this box?
- Sure.
- That's some of local papers and things but
I mean, you never know, right?
- Right, right.
- Sure will be nice when this is all over, huh.
- Ready to put this behind you, huh?
- Yeah,
not to mention the fact that I desperately need the money.
- Right, right.
- I mean, who knows if it'll even be enough to cover
all the debt that Will left me with.
- There's a lot of them.
- There's tons.
I mean, the funeral alone.
If I could just get this money
and get things settled, you know, I could
move on with my life.
- I don't even feel like mine's even gotten started.
- But, you're a lawyer,
that's like, the quintessential
symbol for success.
You have to become a doctor too
then will you feel accomplished?
- No, it's just, I feel like
the weight of the world is on my shoulders with the
practice and the finances and
it's holding me back,
keeping me
from what I really want.
- Steve...
- Wendy?
- Yeah, Tom, what is it?
- Wendy, it just hit me,
what if the money is buried in the backyard,
is that possible?
- Yes, that's a great idea, Tom,
why don't we go check,
absolutely, that is a brilliant,
brilliant idea.
Why don't you head on out there and see what you can find.
- Whoa, good.
- To Roger Maris,
still the all American single season homerun king.
Well, to Ruth and to Mantle,
I'm glad you're not here
'cause you can both drink beer under the table.
Oh, and here's the you kid.
Holy potato balls!
I missed your mom,
I'm full house,
I'm ghost dad.
Fuck!
- The money is here, I know it's here
buried in the backyard, I know it, I can smell it.
I'll just slip out the gate,
walk up the driveway, get in the car and drive away.
But then they'll know.
Know what?
If we just leave, they'll know we took the money.
We?
Were in this together.
I need the money,
I can't afford to share it with them.
We need the money,
and I'm the one who can help you find it.
You know where it is?
How?
Just start digging, we can do this together.
Yes, I'll start right now.
Good, dig, dig,
dig it all.
- Wendy.
- I know what you're going to say, and
at the moment,
things being as they are, it just seems
impossible.
- You're right.
You're right.
If only I had the money.
- If I had the money.
- If we could have the money.
♪ Imagine if you will a scenario ♪
♪ Where all of our dreams can come true ♪
♪ Without making a deal with El Diablo ♪
♪ Or paying a wish for a magic broom ♪
♪ In a world where I am free from debts ♪
♪ I will make peace with the "Star Wars" prequels ♪
♪ I'd wear an armor in the style of gold buffets ♪
♪ Because that nude truly has no equal ♪
♪ Maybe it's too much to hope for ♪
♪ A life that is free from so much worry ♪
♪ Give my daughter everything she asks for ♪
♪ Excluding those creepy my little ponies ♪
♪ If I had the money all of our problems would be funny ♪
♪ I could be smart or a dummy ♪
♪ Weather it's cloudy or it's sunny ♪
♪ If you have cash then you have the power ♪
♪ For an entire life and not just an hour ♪
♪ But if I had the money ♪
♪ I'd spend it all on you ♪
♪ If you have cash then you have the power ♪
♪ For an entire life and not just an hour ♪
♪ But if I had the money ♪
♪ I'd spend it all on you ♪
♪ If we had money we could just spend it ♪
♪ Until our problems are solved ♪
♪ And that seems to work fine for rich people ♪
♪ Because they have so much money ♪
♪ All they do is spend it on stuff they don't need ♪
♪ Or to acquire additional wealth ♪
♪ Or buy influence from Congress ♪
♪ Write bills that become laws ♪
♪ And do a really great job ♪
♪ Of showing people how they're different ♪
♪ Or lower taxes on the rich old ♪
♪ While working stiff like us ♪
♪ Get stuck making up for the lost revenue ♪
- That was a mouthful.
- I know, I'm sorry.
- I liked it. - Okay.
♪ My fight in life is small ♪
♪ But I'm really on the ball ♪
♪ I could be great, I could be funny ♪
♪ If I had the money ♪
♪ Yeah I'm so stupid ♪
♪ If I or we have the money ♪
♪ When I was alive I had the money ♪
♪ If I had the money everything would be ♪
♪ Okay ♪
♪ Money's what makes us sing ♪
♪ It's all about the dream ♪
♪ Won't you be on the wing ♪
♪ Money solves everything ♪
♪ If I had the money ♪
♪ Money ♪
- I will be right back,
just one second.
It's almost over, I can do this.
Are you stretching?
- Yeah,
yeah, doing a little
stretching stressful situations, you know, you tense up,
I'm seeing a chiropractor for a while
stretching because you can never be too careful
with your body tensing up in tense situations
and I'm also in an archery class now.
- Oh, Zod, you crazy bastard.
Yellow.
- Hey, man,
I'm digging up the yard, come out and help me.
- Yeah, I can't, I'm busy.
- With what?
- I'm watching "Superman Two" on VHS.
- Dude, the money might be back here.
- This lady, right, she calls out Superman for being Jewish,
like, he's Frederick Superman or something.
Idiot.
- I could really use a hand. - Yeah, how about this?
You keep looking outside, I'll keep looking inside,
and we'll be looking at two spots at the same time.
Sounds good? - No, no, no.
- Great, all right, buddy,
all right, take care. - No, seriously, stop...
Come on, lady,
You know Clark head, you know, Superman,
you're standing four feet away from both of them,
I mean, they're just glasses, okay,
It's not a loo to door mask.
Man.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, I'm drunk.
- Hello, Dave.
- Yo.
- What are you doing down here?
- Looking for the money?
- I think we should talk about that.
- Okay.
Let's talk.
What do you wanna talk about?
- I think you have some very definite ideas
about what should be done with the money.
- We should all split it, right?
- When should we split it?
- As soon as possible.
You do see what we're doing here, right?
You get it, right?
- But you gonna sweat it.
That's great,
but have you ever thought about my responsibilities?
Have you ever thought about my responsibilities
to my daughter?
Do you have any idea
what a moral or ethical principle is, do you?
- I never thought I'd say this to anyone,
but you sound way too much like me, right now.
Give me the bat, Wendy.
- I'm not gonna hurt you.
- Give me the bat, Wendy.
- You didn't let me finish my sentence.
I am not going to hurt you, I'm just...
- To bash my brains in.
- No, Jesus Christ, no!
But I am gonna hurt you real bad,
for the best.
Hold that thought, we should probably move the table.
- Okay, I'll move it. - Would you grab,
grab that part of the table.
- I don't break the table.
- Don't touch my candles.
- Which way am I turning?
- Go that way.
- This way?
- Follow my lead, go that way.
Where are you going, where are you going with this?
- I can't fit through with my hands like this.
- You don't need...
- I just gotta put my hands down so I can get in, okay?
- How are you gonna get out now?
- It's fine, I'll figure it out.
- Seems unnecessary.
- I'm gonna go over the couch.
- Don't go over the the couch in your shoes,
don't go over the couch in your shoes.
Jesus!
keep it off the fabric.
- Okay, I'm fine.
- Pick up your thing.
Are you ready? - Yes.
- Okay. - Yes.
- Okay.
Okay,
okay.
We don't have to split it with the others,
we could share it between ourselves.
- I'll never share anything with you.
- Didn't you hear what Steve read?
We have to share it.
I am your partner.
No!
- My kingdom for pickle jar.
Help, help me Steve, help, help.
- I don't think Steve will be coming to your rescue,
I've seen to that.
- You monster.
- I'm just a mother providing for her daughter.
Oh,
oh,
oh.
Aww.
Oh.
Bitch.
Help!
- Dave.
Help, someone please.
- Dave, oh, God, oh God,
I'm coming, Dave.
Yeah.
- Siri, call Tom.
Calling Tom.
- Thank you Sweety.
- Yeah, hello.
- Tom, get in here, Wendy is trying to kill me.
What?
- She is baseball batting the hell out of me.
- I'm coming.
Damn.
It's locked,
do you know any tricks for opening locked doors.
Yeah, use the key, hurry the fuck up.
- Let them kill each other,
then the money is ours.
No, they're my friends and
I've gotta help them,
and if you don't understand that,
you're nothing at all, nothing at all.
I'm coming, Dave, I'm coming to save you.
Damn it.
I guess I'll just have to break it down.
That hurt.
- Admit it,
say it just once,
that I am Dana's father.
- I will never join you.
- What?
- Dave.
- Will was gay, wasn't he?
You didn't think I was ready to be a father,
so, you posed as his wife to help his career.
- You're a child, Dave,
you were a child back then and you're still a child now.
- Oh, I've been a fool,
only now at the end do I understand.
- Oh, shut up!
- Where's Tom?
Oh my god.
My faith in my friends truly is my weakness.
- No!
- Steve, you rescued me, thank goodness.
What happened to your face?
- Never mind that,
the point is we got to get control of ourselves.
Money isn't worth it.
Don't think we're even gonna find it at this point.
- I'm starting to think there never was any money.
- You're kidding.
- Well, he could have meant anything,
he never did specifically say
that there was money in the addendum.
- Codicil. - Whatever.
I know you think I killed him.
I didn't.
You're right, our marriage was a sham, but
I didn't want him to die.
He wasn't Dana's biological father, but
he was there when it counted, you know.
We were the only people in each other's lives,
who were really honest with each other.
Now, I don't even have that.
You and I,
us,
there was never going to be an us.
I didn't want Dana to be something tethering me to you,
when
we couldn't give each other what we needed.
I haven't been able to find a job in over a year.
I loved that restaurant so much it was,
it was me, you know.
And now I'm gonna lose this house,
and not just this house, everything.
What about my daughter?
What am I supposed to tell her?
What if.
What if the state tries to take her away from me?
I have no family left, it's like
losing Will all over again.
Will would have thought of a way out of this.
He did, I guess.
Will,
was always so preoccupied with work,
and he could have sold it, the business,
he had an offer, he turned it down.
Finally, the chance came
to get out and get fat at the same time and he let it go.
He'd miss it too much, he said.
Can you imagine?
That's what he really said?
What kind of a person,
what kind of a human being loves being a trader?
People don't go to Wall Street,
because it's gonna be a lot of fun,
they go to make money.
These people, they don't jump out of bed,
thinking about how much fun it's gonna be to go to work,
they...
I have been to parties with these people
and they're all so
miserable.
If all the money in the world and
doesn't mean anything to them,
because they don't need it anymore,
they can't even think of what to spend it on except junk.
It's a pointless, soulless job,
and the fact that Will actually enjoyed
tricking these people out of their money,
it's very difficult to accept.
You know, even after all that,
we still respected each other.
We've known each other for so long,
at some point that just counts for something.
But I never would have hurt him
and he never would have hurt me.
In the end, he just
said something stupid to someone he owed money to,
got punched in the face,
fell hit his head on the ground and
the jerk that hit him offered me a deal on the spot
to erase the debt.
I just had to say
he was mugged.
That's all it took.
Not exactly the life I pictured when we were kids.
- Not for any of us.
- What do we do now?
- I don't know about you,
but I am through looking for the money.
- What about
our dreams?
Our future?
What about us?
- Steve,
maybe,
maybe I'm not always honest with people.
Maybe you're not always honest with yourself.
- Yeah.
Probably right about that.
- You want some ice for your hand?
- Please.
What?
Wait a second,
the World Series party.
What about it?
- I remember Will and I were talking about
the hiding money from the company, right,
and then Will said something really peculiar.
- I'd like to think I'm ahead above the rest
when it comes to hiding things.
- Totally.
Totally.
Ahead
above the rest.
- The drop ceiling.
Will was always running speaker wires through there.
- Oh, baby!
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
It's a baseball card.
- Son of a bitch!
- Is that worth anything?
- A couple hundred dollars to the right buyer.
- Jesus!
- Then I guess I'm off to the liquor store,
liquor store, liquor store.
- You get a cat?
- No, I have no idea what that sound was.
- I'm happy with my situation.
Well, I got a long drive ahead of me, he's out.
- What, you're leaving?
- Yep.
- Jesus!
- Yellow.
- What do you know about this?
About what?
- Oh, come on, come on, the baseball card, everything.
I heard a noise during dinner
and you came back from the liquor store few minutes later,
it was you in the basement, wasn't it?
Maybe.
- What else was in the box, Wayne?
- Look Wendy, do you think it was an oversight
that my brother never told you about the box?
It wasn't.
Blur, bluh, bluh, bluh.
Water is still gonna water?
I know about your bastard kid.
Later.
Beep.
- Son of a bitch!
- We could go to the police.
- And say what?
- Oh, so I guess you can't complain about
someone stealing money
that shouldn't exist in the first place.
- And that's it then.
- Damn.
- What am I gonna do now, I have nothing.
- You have friends still and so does Dana.
- Yeah,
good friends, maybe not good friends but people you know,
friends, MySpace friends list
from the entire area.
- Shut up, Steve.
- I'm ordering a couple bourbon
as soon as I get through the door.
- I'm ordering two drinks.
- I'm going to literally order every drink the bar has.
- Alcohol is great for solving life's problems.
- Even in a bottle, yo, demon in a bottle.
- That reference is only moderately obscure.
- Your mom is moderately obscure.
no, we're not doing that anymore.
♪ Imagine if you will a scenario ♪
♪ Where all of our dreams can come true ♪
♪ Without making a deal with El Diablo ♪
♪ Or paying a wish for a magic broom ♪
♪ In a world where I'm free from debts ♪
♪ I will make peace with the "Star Wars" prequels ♪
♪ I'd wear an armor in the style of gold buffets ♪
♪ 'Cause that nude truly has no equal ♪
♪ Maybe it's too much to hope for ♪
♪ A life that is free from so much worry ♪
♪ Give my daughter everything she asks for ♪
♪ Excluding those creepy my little ponies ♪
♪ If I had the money all of our problems would be funny ♪
♪ I could be smart or a dummy ♪
♪ Weather it's cloudy or it's sunny ♪
♪ If you have cash then you have the power ♪
♪ For an entire life and not just an hour ♪
♪ But if I had the money ♪
♪ I'd spend it all on you ♪
♪ If you have cash then you have the power ♪
♪ For an entire life and not just an hour ♪
♪ But if I had the money ♪
♪ I'd spend it all on you ♪
♪ If we had money we could just spend it ♪
♪ Until our problems are solved ♪
♪ And that seems to work fine for rich people ♪
♪ Because they have so much money ♪
♪ All they do is spend it on stuff they don't need ♪
♪ Or to acquire additional wealth ♪
♪ Or buy influence from Congress ♪
♪ Write bills that become laws ♪
♪ And do a really great job ♪
♪ Of showing people how they're different ♪
♪ Or lower taxes on the rich old ♪
♪ While working stiff like us ♪
♪ Get stuck making up for the lost revenue ♪
♪ If I had the money ♪
♪ Everything would be okay ♪
♪ Money's what makes us sing ♪
♪ It's all about the dream ♪
♪ Won't you be on the wing ♪
♪ Money solves everything ♪
♪ If I had the money ♪
♪ Money ♪
- Been out here for hours digging,
bet it's all wrapped up nicely in there though.
Bet they're saying, "Hey, what about Tom?
How did his night end?"
Someone else says,
"Oh, yeah, whatever happened to Tom?"
Someone else says, "Tom?
Tom, I don't remember Tom."
Well, I'm Tom, I'm Tom dammit,
I have a name and I have feelings and I am
It's porno