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Steve, it's okay. Just act confident.
You are a confident 21-year-old from Edmonds, Washington.
- It's like a federal thing. - Oh, my God.
Why did you get a fake ID if you were never going to use it?
Well, it was part of a group.
- It was cheaper to get ten at once. - Ah, my God, Steve.
And I didn't want to get in the way of a deal.
- Seriously is what? - Nothing. Nothing, nothing, nothing.
Steve, I need to get drunk tonight.
That doesn't sound very healthy.
Nothing about college is healthy.
Okay, you know what, take this.
Here, buy this alcohol from me.
We're gonna go through what's going to happen.
I would like to purchase this please.
- Can I see some ID? - Sure.
What brings you to California, Steven?
You know, visiting.
Mm-hm.
Boop, this doesn't scan.
No, it should scan.
Boop, no, it's not scanning.
No, really, the guy promised me it would scan.
Guy? What guy?
You better be talking about the guy down at the God damn DMV!
- No, really, Amy, it should scan. - Amy? My name's Maurice!
Okay, this is starting to feel a bit racist.
Oh, oh, oh, God,
the stress from you trying to use this fake ID
is giving me a heart attack, call 911.
Um, okay. Beep, beep, boop.
911, what's your emergency?
Uh, yeah, the guy at the liquor store's having a heart attack.
Alright, sir, we're gonna send an ambulance down right now.
Maurice, I need you to stay calm.
You know when they get here, I'm going to tell them you underage.
Okay, well then, I am fucking leaving.
Hands up! Everybody hands up! This is a robbery!
- What is happening? - Hands up.
My boy already called 911. What?
Motherfucker, you already called 911?
No, I didn't. Sir, no, I didn't. I did not.
Boy, you didn't call 911?
- I am dying! - Okay.
I called it for you, but not, not for you...
So you did call 911, you lying little son of a bitch!
I should waste you right here, right now.
I should waste you.
- This is raspberry? - They didn't have cherry.
That's cool.
Here's a toast to Dan.
Here's to losing my virginity,
here's to prom,
here's to wasting my first semester on a long-distance relationship.
Here's to heartbreak.
- Hey. - Amy.
Oh, my God, it's so good to see you, you have no idea.
- I missed you, too. - Okay, let's get going.
I cannot wait to sleep in my own bed.
It's like one in the afternoon.
Which means I am pushing about 36 hours of no sleep.
- Drive. - Yes, Ma'am.
Um...
Steven, what is this?
Oh, my God.
That's just some Christmas thing my mom picked up from church.
Ah, it's amazing.
We are going to jam out to it like it's Taylor fucking Swift.
Oh, no, let's not. I am in the strong not...
What the fuck kind of CD player do you have, Steve?
- This is like... - An awesome six-changer CD player, that's what...
And you have one CD in your car? That's good.
Look, I mean, my mom sings on it. And you know her voice.
She smokes a lot of cigarettes
and she's got, it's not a good voice.
♪ Hark, the herald ♪
That's my shit.
♪ Angels sing ♪
♪ Glory to the newborn king ♪
Steve, sing along. You know this.
No, I am good. You do you.
♪ Blah, blah, blah, blah ♪
♪ What a blah, blah, blah ♪
♪ Hey! Jingle bells ♪
♪ Jingle bells Jingle all the way ♪
♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride In a one-horse open sleigh ♪
♪ Hey. Jingle bells Jingle bells ♪
♪ Jingle all the way ♪
♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride ♪
♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪
You're killing me, ugh, alright.
Well, thank you ever so much for picking me up.
Hey, any chance I have to give you singing lessons.
Uh, fuck you, and let's hang out soon.
- Love you. - Love you, too.
- Stevey boy! - Connor.
- Come here. - Okay.
Don't let go. Don't let go.
I'm letting go. I'm letting go.
- What are those? - Potatoes.
Before we drink, we're making latkes.
What... It isn't Hanukah yet.
Why, why are there potatoes? Why are there potatoes...
Steve, Steve, Steve, Steve, Steve, Steve, Steve.
I would like to believe that in this country,
we don't need an excuse to make potato pancakes, okay.
- Kitchen, let's go. Kitchen. - Mm-hm.
- Latkes. - Don't leave your stupid... Connor.
You know what? Actually, I would like a hot chocolate.
Okay.
So, do you need help?
Nope, it's just warming up.
So, the rest of your first semester was good then?
Yeah, yeah, it was.
- Yours? - Awesome, so much fun.
- So, how you doing since Dan? - I've been fine.
Honestly, just being able to focus on like college friends
and meeting new people might actually be good.
Yeah, totally.
- How's your sorority stuff? - Oh, my God, great!
I love everyone.
Okay, obviously not, like, everyone.
Shut up. But I do like most of them.
And the girls that I don't like,
there's somebody I do love who loves them. So everybody.
Hello, my beautiful, amazing, wonderful, fantastic friends.
Hello, Court.
- Uh, how the F are you, cooky kids? - Doing well.
- Doing great. You? - You want some hot chocolate?
Uh, no, not particularly, no.
So, you guys want to get high?
Yeah.
♪ Silent night ♪
♪ Holy night ♪
♪ All is calm ♪
♪ All is bright ♪
♪ Round yon Virgin ♪
♪ Mother and Child ♪
♪ Holy infant so tender And mild ♪
♪ Sleep in heavenly ♪
♪ Peace ♪
♪ Sleep in heavenly peace ♪
Tonight, we play the honorable game of alcohol consumption
known as Flarney-Ba-Blarney-Snarks.
May our hearts, our minds and our livers stay true.
We shall begin on the third gavel strike.
One, two, three.
Okay, okay, okay.
♪ Silent night ♪
♪ Holy night ♪
- I win. Yes. - Fuck you!
That's a 100 points for me, Stevey boy.
And for our next event, red means target practice.
And Jack means, oh, be careful with that.
It was uncomfortably cheap.
It's so cute. We were like twinsies for like the entire time.
Amy, you good over there?
It's just been a while since I last partook.
- Okay. - Wow, jeez.
So, I've got this group of friends that, uh,
we just get together and every weekend,
we watch an absurd amount of Animal Planet.
Sounds like a good way to spend your tuition.
It's... It is.
The only downside is I, uh, already spent all my graduation money.
Get out, no way.
Even with Creepy Uncle Tommy liking you better than his own kids?
If he could only see the bong he got me.
- Uh, so, how was your semester? - Yeah.
Yeah? Oh, I mean, yeah. It was solid.
Oh, Rachel, you got some interesting things happening.
No, this is good shit.
- Oh, man, yeah. - No.
Dude, I bet, I bet you can tell that it isn't actually.
Yeah, no, thank you.
Man, I miss that high school weed, guys.
- I don't think you do. - No, I don't.
Who are you right now?
- Holy shit! Holy shit! - You sound surprised.
That's because I am really, really, really fucking surprised.
- Her name's Michelle. - No, but that's awesome.
Really, really, really. I'm really happy for you.
- That brings me to the thing I wanted to talk about. - Uh-huh.
I'm, like, sure, I am bisexual.
Really?
- Mmm, really? - So...
A while ago, uh, I kinda pitched to Michelle,
like, jokingly like that we should have a threesome.
And she was, like, really cool with it, and, like, knows a girl who is down.
- And... - Oh, my God. You, Sir, were a virgin months ago!
Right? But then she asked if I'd be willing to do it with a guy.
And... Yes, yes.
And it felt, like, weirdly sexist to say no.
- Huh. - No, like, I can't...
I can't like ask her to have do it with a girl
- and then like a guy like I'm... - No, no, no, no. I get it.
It's just, huh.
So, she has a male friend who would be down.
And we, um... We do that and...
Where does she get these friends? It's Craigslist, isn't it?
Stevey boy, Stevey boy, I got to tell you,
having a guy in... there just felt right.
Like everything fit.
And by the end of it,
I was giving Ben as much attention as I was giving Michelle.
Don't get me wrong.
Like Michelle and I have like a super deep,
like, you know, like a connection but...
Just like you and me, buddy.
I also want a connection with a cock in my throat.
And that's three. Fuck you, drink up.
Motherfucker, was any of that shit true?
I mean, probably.
- Oh, and do you have any... - Fucked up.
- romantic interests at your school? - Mm.
- Uh, no, nada. - Yeah, I didn't think so.
Finish that. Here we go.
- No! - Finishing it, finishing it, finishing it.
- Oh, oh, oh! - There we go. Good, Stevey boy!
I swear, guys, I've smoked, like, a decent number of times now
and I never get high, I think I'm immune.
Did you say something, Rachel?
What are you even doing? Come over right here.
Okay! I give up.
- It's fine. Am I pretty? - Beautiful.
Thank you.
Oh, my God, you guys. I needed this so much.
This is like a middle school sleep over again.
Oh, my God, we're, like, college friends now.
Oh, my God, we're like the three best bitches ever.
Oh, forever bitch.
Oh, my God. I, like, thought that I would really stay in high school.
- No. - It just came back.
Yeah, yeah, I can see that.
And I think that's my cue to get some PB&J tacos started.
Oh, my God, I have wanted peanut butter for like the last hour
and now Court just went to go get some.
What?
Who's ever even heard of that?
- Hey, bitch. - Yeah, bitch?
- We're best friends. - Aw, forever bitch.
- Hey, dude, you good? - Yup.
You sure?
I actually need you guys to leave.
You got it, boss.
Hey, hey, Rachel, get up.
We gotta go.
So, what did you want to talk about?
Thanksgiving break.
I should waste you right here, right now. I should waste you.
What about Thanksgiving break, did you want to talk about?
Yeah, it would...
Have you ever like looked at one pulp individually?
- What the fuck, Steve? - Oh. Dan sucks.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Am I dead?
I don't know. Fuck it, I hate this game. Oh, God.
Yay, that's fucking gross.
- You know, all my friends at school want to meet you... - Hey, thank you for this.
I really missed you.
Why did you do that?
Because I wanted to.
Okay.
- Is this okay? - Yeah.
First, I have to say, that the reason I didn't say anything myself
is because I felt you didn't want to talk about it.
I mean, the next day we sort of just made awkward small talk,
went to our respective Thanksgivings,
and the next time we saw each other it was like nothing had happened.
I didn't want to push.
But I think you're right.
This is good to talk about.
And we need to explore why it happened because if I am being honest...
You know, those things aren't a 100% accurate.
Okay, so...
Obviously, whatever happens, I support your choice.
- What do you... - I'm getting an abortion.
Okay.
- Do you want to talk about alternatives? - No.
Okay.
So, what's the deal then? Is it like I drive you to a place?
- Like a clinic? - Yeah, yeah, I think that's an option
or I think there's like a pill.
You mean Plan B? I think, that's a next day sort of thing.
No, an abortion pill, not Plan B.
- Okay, but isn't Plan B kind of an abortion pill? - No.
They're different things. They do different things.
Okay, but like I'm sure I've heard before that Plan B is basically an abor...
Yeah, that probably was in church.
Okay, so, obviously, we are not going to involve church with this.
- Yes, yes, yes, yup. - Okay.
No anesthesia, pro. Cramping's worse, con.
- Feels like a miscarriage, pro. - Pro?
Nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, weakness.
It's not like a big scary artificial thing. you know.
Yeah, no, yeah, that makes sense totally.
It's just a miscarriage. I'm sorry, it skeeves me out.
Miscarriages skeeve you out but you're fine with abortions?
No. I am clearly abortions should be legal
and everything and miscarriages happen.
But I guess, the words just feel heavy.
So, you're saying I should call this thou which shall not be named?
I'm saying, yes.
I'm saying you should call it Lord Voldemort.
Okay, so here's what it is. I need to do it.
I can't...
I want the abortion to stay at the doctor's office.
One-time visit, surgical, for sure.
- Okay, surgical abortion. - Yeah.
I will drive you to and from.
And I want you in the procedure with me.
- Okay, totally. - Good.
We got this.
So should I go then?
Like just let us be alone to process for a bit?
Okay.
Or you know what, it doesn't have to be a big deal.
Poor Rudolph.
Where most reindeers' noses are brownish and tiny...
So, apparently, Connor, has a girlfriend now.
Really? Poor girl.
How does that work if you're the only one he doesn't hate?
Apparently, he likes a lot of people in New York.
Does that mean he's not a total prick to people in New York?
Maybe. I...
Look, he doesn't have a ton of elementary school bullies there or anything.
Bitch! Bitch. Why have you not answered your phone?
Jesus, I don't know. It's over there.
Have you talked to Dan?
No, we're not exactly on speaking terms.
- Somebody died on him. - What?
On his plane ride home last night,
the woman sitting next to him, literally, died on top of him.
- What the fuck? - Right?
- Hey, hi, Steve. - Rachel, hey.
Did you have a great first semester?
I did, I actually pledged a sorority.
- Tell me every single detail about it. - Do I look different?
- Because I feel like I kind of look like one of those... - You guys. Steve...
- You look like one of those girls. - I totally loved your glasses.
Do you want to do a frat?
Shut the fuck up both of you, seriously.
And, Rachel, start talking again and it better be about this Dan thing.
If you utter a single Greek letter I swear to God.
Alright, so apparently this old woman,
like, sits next to Dan on his flight home.
And she doesn't really like say much, just sort of lays back and goes to sleep.
At some point during the flight, she shifts over
and is, like, sleeping on Dan's shoulder.
But Dan's such a sweetheart, he doesn't say anything.
But then the plane lands and she still hasn't moved
so he tries to like wake her up and she doesn't move.
And then a whole bunch of other shit happened
but the end result was that she literally died on top of Dan's shoulder!
What the fuck? I have to text him!
- Yeah, you do! - Uh, I think I am going to duck out.
- I will see you later. - Yes.
- Nice to see you, Steve. - You, too.
Oh, my God, a woman died on top of Dan.
She perished and our friend was freakin' underneath her.
- Since when do you run? - I started at school.
Gotta keep stress down, get in shape and all that.
Well, it doesn't suit you
and also you've left me waiting in this unbearably chilly weather
when I have something to tell you.
Why... didn't you just wait in your car? Or go in my house?
- You know my mom will let you... - Alright, Steve, focus, Steve.
Oh, my God, it's like this whole A.D.D generation.
I mean, you're talking to me about houses and cars and weather
and we're trying to discuss my brilliant, fucking idea.
Ugh, fine, you're no fucking fun anymore.
Oh, I almost don't want to tell you my idea but it's brilliant so I'm going to.
Okay, so you and I are going to throw an awesome
like burn-the-house-down-type New Year's party
and invite everybody from high school.
There... There... There are so many things wrong with what you just said.
- Like grammatically? - Mm-hm.
You hate the people we went to high school with and they kinda hate you back.
Yeah, that's why I need you and when people inevitably ask,
just tell them, my parents won't be there, it's gonna be cool and fun.
- Will it? - Presumably, ugh, if people come.
- I'll think about it. - Yes, Stevey boy.
- Thank you, thank you. - Stop it, stop it. Get off me.
Okay, okay, okay, this is what the invitation looks like.
Feast.
- You're sending out physical invitations? - Mm.
Everyone expects me to be that weird fucker from high school
so I am going to live up to those expectations.
Plus, this is hilarious, read it.
"Hello, I am writing to you with two related intentions.
Firstly, I wish to inform.
There is to be a social gathering at my residence
on December the 31st to usher in the New Year.
My second intention, having finished informing, is to invite.
Yes, you, lucky individual, are encouraged to be present on the night of the 31st.
I hope to see you there or not, whatever. I don't give a fuck.
But please come, booze is free. Love, Connor Dawes."
- Some people really never change. - Here you're invited.
Yay. So we're going, right?
Do you want to?
I mean, fuck Connor, obviously but free alcohol.
Plus, I get a chance to see all the people from high school
that I want to but you know just not enough to like try.
I guess, we're going to Connor Dawes's party.
- Cool with you, Court? - Yeah, dude, yeah, obviously.
- Do you have any matches? - Yes, inside by the fireplace.
Dope.
Be sure my mom doesn't hear you, though.
Sneaky Court on the job!
It'll be fun to see people at a real party, right?
Yeah, it'll be cool to see some of the old crew.
I hope it's like a full-blown rager.
Oh, my God, I want to see Laurie King black out.
Oh, God.
Ugh, I can't believe we're smoking again.
It makes Court happy.
Yeah, but what the hell did we do for fun in high school?
We hung out.
Can you imagine if the three of us went to college together, though?
That would be unbelievable.
What up, Mother-Forkers! Let's flipping do this ish!
Nope. Yeah!
Oh, my God, like, one semester of college, what did this girl do?
- Who is this? - It cannot possibly be dishwasher safe.
Every year, it's up to me, swear to God.
Yeah, I mean, they have to take, like, Ativan to go on planes.
So like, there's no way they're coming up here.
I'm the only one who's willing to do this freaking thing.
Well, I am happy to help.
Any excuse to get me on a roof and look upon suburbia.
Ooh. Yes.
You're going to Connor's thing, though? Yeah?
Yes, yes, yes, it feels like a lot of people are despite
its direct association with the ass hole king himself.
- I know, I'm surprised. - Yeah.
- It's weird.
But whatever.
Are you two... Do you still feel close?
Oh, yeah, totally.
I mean, his heart's definitely in New York
but you know him, he kinda... He just talks about New York a lot
because he likes to talk about the fact
that he's in, oh, New York, at an Ivy League no less, oh-ho.
But does it still feel like high school?
Do you think things feel different between us?
No, no, not between us, no. We're good.
Uh, I just, honestly, I just... I feel like we're even closer
than we were in high school, you know?
- Yeah. - Pointy?
Oh!
Oh, speaking of which, our Lord Voldemort is all set for January 5th.
Why would you say that? Uh, I was having a nice time.
- Uh... - What?
I just... Look, I just... I... I just... I feel like we're really good at being around each other.
Well, yeah, obviously, but it's like I have always said, Steve,
my love for you manifests itself in making you feel very uncomfortable.
- And like you've always said... - That that's fucked up.
- It's really fucked up, yes. - Pointy.
I mean, it's not as fucked up as,
say impregnating your friend of ten years. It's not that fucked up...
Oh, my God, I am going to jump off this God damn roof.
I'm trying to tell you something real here.
Amy, um, since high school ended and especially once you and Dan broke up, I just feel like...
- Uh... - No, Steve, I know. It's great. Everything's great.
And, I mean, Dan's a perfect example.
I mean, with certain people like you and him, it's just...
You pick up right where you left off.
- You and Dan? - That's...
Yeah, we've been texting a little.
I thought you hated him.
Um, I realized that hate in this context means that,
you know, you have really strong feelings
and nowhere to direct them
so what comes out is a hate-like synthetic, you know?
Did you hear someone died on him?
Yeah, I was there when the telling happened.
I don't know, man. I'm just really impressed with how he's handled everything.
I mean, that's traumatic, you know?
It shows a certain maturity.
Still couldn't handle a long-distance relationship.
Okay, those are hard for anybody.
Some people manage. This is the last of the lights.
What the fuck? What, you didn't even need these?
What am I doing? What am I doing up here?
Keeping me company.
Oh, my God, Steven, this is like tedious torture.
Hey!
- Nice! - Scoot.
Yeah, now it feels like Christmas.
Yeah.
Your family's not really that scared of heights?
- Uh-huh. Uh-huh. - No.
My... My Dad if he sees, no joke,
if he sees a Goodyear blimp go by, he gets a little woozy.
- It's... - That's not real.
♪ They lay keeping their sheep ♪
♪ On a cold winter's night ♪
♪ That was so deep ♪
♪ Noel, Noel, Noel, Noel ♪
I get a knock on the door, and it's the freakin' pizza guy.
I didn't even know they delivered pizza that late.
The whole Perez family was behind me
watching me trying to figure out how to bribe the pizza guy.
♪ Born is the King of Israel ♪
♪ And they looked up ♪
♪ And saw a star ♪
♪ Shining in the East ♪
♪ Beyond them far ♪
♪ And to the earth ♪
♪ It gave great light ♪
♪ And so it continued ♪
♪ Both day and night ♪
♪ Noel, Noel ♪
♪ Born is the King of Israel ♪
♪ Noel, Noel ♪
♪ Born is the King ♪
♪ Of Israel ♪
Oh.
Wow, bacon-scented air fresheners.
This is incredible and absolutely from Court.
- How'd you know? - Let me see.
Okay, this is for me.
And I can already tell it's from Steve
because I have seen this wrapping paper in your house.
These are disgusting.
No, dude, they like actually smell like bacon.
Yeah, no, I get that.
Oh, my God, are you serious?
Is this a toaster?
No more half-warmed dining hall toast for you.
Oh, my God, this is amazing.
Seriously, the best gift ever.
Um, how did you get a toaster for under ten dollars?
I didn't, it was a little bit more
but I... I was going to get it anyway
so, like, I just kinda made it my secret Santa gift.
In a sense, I was just being cheap.
Yeah, in a truer sense, you blatantly cheated.
- Oh, To-mae-to, to-mah-to. - I didn't get a toaster.
- I have a tic-tac, this is five dollars. - To-mah-to?
Whatever, I will cover the cost if it makes you happy.
- Thank you. - I am just so psyched to have this.
You're most welcome.
You know, I don't know I've ever actually met someone that says to-mah-to.
- Is that like a British thing? - I'm getting cold.
- Can we go inside? - Yeah, basement?
Oh, yes, hello!
The queen would like to put an order in for some to-mah-toes!
- No, that sounds weird. - Yeah, Court, that was all weird.
- Ready? - You got it?
Hot chocolate? You're not making sense, Steve!
Oh, my goodness.
I can't believe you're telling me this.
Oh, fudge that's good, thank you. This is... I love this.
So have you heard the flipping BS coming out of Steve's face right now?
Oh, look, I just told her that I hadn't smoked at college.
She had a conniption about it.
You're getting so high tonight, Hudgens.
You're going to get high as an astronaut's kite.
- Oh, that's Dan! - Dan's coming?
Yeah, I told him that he could hang out for a while before the party.
- Hey, Steve. - What's up?
Have you ever talked to Amy about Dan?
I mean, they dated for a while. He came up.
Yeah, you know, have you ever like explored your own emotions?
Maybe why you may have certain feelings about...
Wow, you know what would be dope?
Playing this game. Let's do it, Steve.
- This looks awesome. - No, I love your mom.
I would come over just to hang out with her.
- Well, she loves you. - Dan.
Court, my friend, ugh, never changed.
- Oh, for you, never. - Rachel, always a pleasure.
- Nice to see you, Dan. - Steve!
- How you liking college? - Uh, yeah, love it. It's great.
- You? - Incredible, yeah.
Definitely a great semester.
It's good to be home though, right?
- Yeah, right. - Dan, sit.
Uh, here, take my spot. I gotta go.
Oh.
- Uh... - Where you going?
Connor, he, uh just texted me
and he said that he wants some help setting up for tonight.
Dude, what the fuck? I thought we were supposed to pre-game.
I'll see you later tonight.
I will see all of you tonight, okay?
Dan, Daniel, Danny boy, tell me everything about this plane ride.
Oh, it was actually world changing.
Alright, we are almost ready
for a kick-ass party.
Almost. We're almost there.
I fear the alcohol may have been poisoned.
What?
Come, we must taste test it all.
Connor, that's... stupid! We'll be blacked out before the party even starts.
Price I am willing to pay if it means my guests are safe.
None shall be poisoned this night!
What's first?
♪ Deck the halls With boughs of holly ♪
♪ Fa, la, la, la, la La, la, la, la ♪
♪ 'Tis the season to be jolly ♪
♪ Fa, la, la, la, la La, la, la, la ♪
♪ Don we now our gay apparel ♪
♪ Fa, la, la, la, la La, la, la, la ♪
♪ Fill the mead cup Drain the barrel ♪
♪ Fa, la, la, la, la La, la, la, la ♪
♪ Fast away The old year passes ♪
♪ Fa, la, la, la, la La, la, la, la ♪
♪ Hail the new Ye lads and lasses ♪
♪ Fa, la, la, la, la La, la, la, la ♪
There are reasons to look hot other than just to have sex.
Rachel, oh, my God, I'm one 100% positive that you think that's true, okay?
Yo, Dan, heads up.
- Go, go, go, go, go! - Oh, Dan.
Oh, wow!
Oh, shit's about to get trashy.
Court-Amy-Rachel-Dan! Welcome to my little shindig.
Alright, bar's over there. Bathroom down there.
Pretty sure I saw some gentle ladies and a circle of blow.
Sorority ambrosia, am I right, Rach?
Everyone, make yourself at home.
- Yes. - Thanks for having us.
Yes, keep up the squats, Dan!
Alright, Connor, this is actually very impressive.
Yes, I am an impressive individual and flattery will get you nowhere.
And I see you're still an asshole.
And I see you're still an irredeemable cunt.
So glad Steve has both of us in his life.
I'll drink to that.
Vodka cranberry is your preferred poison?
- Yes. - Cheers.
Has some kick to it.
- What are you drinking? - Oh, this is water.
But, uh... But I thought I brushed up against you and felt something kicking.
Okay, wow, enjoy the party, Am!
- Is that Amy Bruckner! - No, it's not.
- So much money for such a small thing... - I know.
And he could have just shaved it.
- Hey. - Hey.
- You okay? - Yeah, yeah, um, pour me something.
Classic? Just like high school.
What does that even mean?
Steve, Steve, Steve, Steve. Look, okay, all I'm saying is that
people expect me to be this reliable stoner
so that they can get high and not have to confront how different it is being back.
- I think you're projecting. - Okay, yeah, I am projecting.
Steve over here who just casually brings up that he hasn't smoked
since high school while we're at Amy's, completely unwarranted.
Isn't that the point of this break?
To... Or this party? To see how everyone else has changed?
No, no, no,
what I think is that everyone comes here to show how much they've changed.
You know, like, we've all gone to college and experimented with sex
and drugs and politics and we just kind of hope
that everybody else from high school has stayed the same
because then we look cool in comparison.
- Still, shouldn't this be a time to explore... - No!
No, no, no. This is a break, Steven.
None of that going back to the previous step stuff.
You know, I don't get... I don't get this whole,
I want to go back to high school and like re-do it mind-set.
You know, we have so much ahead of us that we haven't learned yet.
I don't want to be on my deathbed like, oh,
if only I had one last chance at assisted living
just to do it again and really get it right.
What if there is something in the previous step that you can't get past?
Do I ignore that?
Okay, Steve, I have no idea what you're talking about
but if it's really bugging you that much,
just resolve it quickly, you know?
You know, rip it off, like a Band-Aid.
Mm?
Okay, okay, okay, I'm coming. Alright, alright, alright.
- Yo. - I need to throw up.
- All yours. - All right.
- Thank you for the pep talk. - You got this.
Hey, how's it going? You enjoying the party?
Yeah, I am.
It was a normal day for me.
It was a normal travel day so I was like I took my seat on the plane
and... And she's coming down the aisle and I'm like, oh, no, right?
I fall asleep, she falls asleep.
♪ On the first day of Christmas My true love sent to me ♪
♪ A partridge in a pear tree ♪
♪ On the second day of Christmas My true love sent to me ♪
♪ Two turtle doves And a partridge in a pear tree ♪
♪ One, two, three ♪
♪ On the third day of Christmas My true love sent to me ♪
♪ Three French hens Two turtle doves ♪
♪ And a partridge In a pear tree ♪
♪ On the fourth day of Christmas My true love sent to me ♪
♪ Four calling birds Three French hens Two turtle doves ♪
♪ And a partridge In a pear tree ♪
♪ On the fifth day of Christmas My true love sent to me ♪
♪ Five golden rings ♪
♪ Four calling birds Three French hens Two turtle doves ♪
♪ And a partridge In a pear tree ♪
♪ On the seventh day Of Christmas ♪
♪ My true love sent to me Seven swans a swimming ♪
Wait, wait, we skipped a verse.
Oh, I forgot six geese a-laying, five rings, four calling birds, three and then two.
Okay, just go to eight. Just go to eight.
Fuck this song!
♪ On the eighth day of Christmas My true love sent to me ♪
♪ Eight maids a-milking Seven swans a-swimming ♪
♪ Six geese a-laying Five golden rings ♪
♪ Four calling birds Three French hens ♪
♪ Two turtle doves And a partridge in a pear tree ♪
♪ On the ninth day of Christmas My true love sent to me ♪
♪ Nine ladies dancing Eight maids a-milking ♪
♪ Seven swans a-swimming Six geese a-laying ♪
♪ Five golden rings ♪
♪ Four calling birds Three French hens ♪
♪ Two turtle doves And a partridge in a pear tree ♪
♪ On the tenth day of Christmas My true love sent to me ♪
♪ Ten lords a leaping Nine ladies dancing ♪
♪ Eight maids a-milking Seven swans a-swimming ♪
♪ Six geese a-laying ♪
♪ Five golden rings ♪
♪ And Four calling birds And Three French hens ♪
♪ And Two turtle doves And a partridge in a pear tree ♪
♪ On the 11th day of Christmas My true love sent to me ♪
♪ 11 pipers piping Ten lords a-leaping ♪
♪ On the 12th day of Christmas My true love sent to me ♪
♪ 12 drummers drumming 11 pipers piping ♪
♪ Ten lords a leaping Nine ladies dancing ♪
♪ Eight maids a-milking Seven swans a swimming ♪
♪ Six geese a-laying ♪
♪ Five golden rings ♪
♪ Four calling birds Three French hens ♪
♪ Two turtle doves ♪
♪ And a partridge in a ♪
♪ Pear tree ♪
Stevey-boy, I want to tell you something about blowjobs.
- What are you doing out here? - You see...
This, this, it's your party.
When you blow a guy, you don't get sour skittle mouth.
And that, to me, is the key difference between
performing oral sex on a man versus a woman.
Okay, what is a sour skittle mouth?
It's when you eat too many sour skittles and your tongue goes numb
but it's also what happens when you go down on a girl.
Uh, no, it does not happen like that.
That is a falsehood.
Yes, it fucking does.
Like if she shaves down there but doesn't like wax,
she's gonna get those tiny little hairs that eventually wear down on your tongue
because of the friction but that doesn't happen with penis.
Okay, okay, not to be crude but...
I think, we've already crossed that line, Stevey boy.
If she is aroused enough, then she should be wet and then your tongue would be fine.
No, no, no, no, no, this is not a dryness thing.
I am talking about body hair.
Arousal doesn't make a woman retract hair into herself.
Okay, this, if you vigorously explore the area,
as I do, I go hard in the paint, you will get sour skittle mouth.
Why are we talking about this?
I was thinking about it.
What happened to, uh, your, uh, turtle neck?
Amy.
She is in a bad mood tonight.
Yeah, well, people get moody when they're pregnant.
What?
It's good to see you dude, yeah.
Oh, my God, I forgot he even existed.
He is a good kid, it's nice to see him.
I never thought he'd have the ability to grow facial hair.
- Hey, come on. - What?
- Well, I'm just... I was tired. - Look, I thought we agreed.
It has to be a friendship thing.
No, it totally is.
Yeah, no, yeah, you're right.
- It is. - We're good, we're good. Yeah.
I'm, uh, going to make the rounds.
Is that Mike Whitaker I see?
Hey, how the heck are you?
Let's go get a drink. I got a story for you brother.
Have you ever been to New York?
Hey. Oh, my God, this is called flip cup.
- Can we talk? - Oh, my God, yes.
Okay.
What? Shut up.
Oh.
Baby Connor Dawes, pew, pew. Fuck you, Connor.
Okay, so what's been going on?
Um, I just... I don't know what I'm doing.
Ugh.
You mean with Dan?
No, well, yeah, with that too I guess
but, no, I just... Rachel, can we stop swaying?
Okay.
I'm pregnant.
Oh, my God, okay, yeah.
- Are you... Are you okay? - I'm fine.
- Seriously, what the fuck? - Congratulations, by the way.
And if it's a boy, can I suggest Connor?
How did you find out?
Listen, I could tell something was bothering you so I checked your texts.
And it's all clear to me now.
Oh, my God, Connor, what the fu...
This is such an invasion of privacy.
Okay, you know what, the government can read your texts.
So either you trust the U.S. Government more than your friend?
Or alternatively, you trust me as much or more
and, therefore, I have the right to read your texts whenever I want.
I hate how in your head that makes sense.
Okay, Steve, we have bigger problems right now than my impeccable logic.
Yeah. We're getting an abortion.
Yeah, fuckin' obviously. I'm talking about, the cops are going to be here soon.
I am sorry, I've been around normal people for a semester
and, um, I've forgotten what a fucking adventure talking with you can be.
Why are the cops coming?
Because I am going to call them.
- Why? - Because fuck these people.
Okay, so you're going to scare everybody with the cops
so that, uh, you can get your revenge.
It will... It will pay back for years and years of shitty, shitty things being done to you.
That's... Is that what this is?
Stevey boy, you were the only good thing about this winter break.
I am never coming back here again.
This is just my way of saying fuck you and good bye to this whole place.
I mean, it's not like you have to live here, you know, I'm...
I... Your family's still gonna be here.
I just don't know how to be happy in this place.
That was fine in high school. It's just the way the world was.
But now, in New York, at school, I have friends.
I have a girlfriend. I'm nicer.
I come here and I'm the asshole.
This cops thing will just prove that.
It's already the New Year there.
Its 28° outside.
It's supposed to snow.
I felt fine. You know I've been handling it
but I just... It's just something that I've had on me, you know.
And I haven't told anyone except Steve who I guess told Connor...
Oh, asshole.
Uh... Ugh.
- Does the father know? - No.
Who is it?
- Is it Dan because... - No, it's not.
It was some kid at school. It was right after Dan. It was stupid.
Have you talked to your mom?
No, and I think she'd be fine with it.
She'd help but I just don't want her...
Yeah, what are you going to do?
Abortion, surgical next week.
- Why not the pill? - I don't want to.
Okay.
And you know, I know this is right for me, I know that.
I mean, I can't have a kid.
But I just...
I just wanted to get it done with, you know, so I can stop thinking about it.
I just... I've felt so weird for not struggling with it,
you know, like I'm supposed to struggle with it and I'm not.
I'm not because it's just... It's just something I need to do.
But then it is... But then it is really fucking hard, too, you know.
I mean, I just.. That doesn't...
- I know it doesn't make sense. - No, no, it makes sense.
I miss this.
Remember when I first got my driver's license
and I'd drive us home from school
and we'd have our Bitches Get Deep' weekly talk?
That was fun.
Hey, what do you say to actually having some fun tonight?
Yeah?
- But the party... - Yes, exactly, okay, let's go freaking murder this party.
You and me. Fuck everybody else. Okay, we are doing shots.
We're gonna tear up the dance floor. Just like old times, okay?
Start the year off right. Come on, let's go.
54, 53, 52, 51, 50,
49, 48, 47, 46...
You know, you look like you super don't want to be here right now.
...37, 36, 35,
34, 33, 32, 31,
30, 29, 28, 27, 26,
25, 24, 23,
22, 21, 20,
19, 18, 17, 16, 15,
14, 13, 12, 11,
ten, nine, eight, seven, six,
five, four, three, two, one.
It seems we've crossed into the New Year.
- What the hell was that? - Celebration!
- Oh, God. - Plus, I get nervous when I talk to the police.
So I figured it if I am wasted, it'll go... It'll go a bit more smoothly.
And since this is the last conversation we're having in this Godforsaken city.
- It isn't. - It truly is.
And as such, there is one order of business left to discuss.
Let's talk about Amy.
There isn't... There isn't anything more to talk about.
- I mean, the abortion... - You need to tell this girl that you love her.
It is so obvious to everyone except her
and we all kept it quiet in high school because she was dating Dan.
But she's single now
and fuck, Steve, you guys had sex, you have to say something.
Listen, I don't know how she feels
but I can't keep seeing you hurting because you're keeping this inside.
You shouldn't be in pain every time you see your best friend.
You just gotta jump off that cliff.
You have to talk to her.
- Ugh. I am in love with her. - No shit.
Now, go tell her before the cops arrive, okay?
Yeah.
- Like now, hop to. Let's go. - Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
It's a nine and then, then a one.
[electronic dance music playing
♪ Joy to the world The Lord is come ♪
♪ Let earth receive her King ♪
First car on scene will report back on a possible 200 in progress.
Calling all vehicles, first car on scene will report back...
♪ And Heaven and nature sing ♪
♪ And Heaven and Heaven ♪
♪ And nature sing ♪
♪ Joy to the world The Lord is come ♪
♪ Let earth receive her ♪
♪ Joy to the world ♪
Oh, you should totally come to school with me next year.
We make like mixed drinks in juice boxes.
It is fucking adorable. It's so cute.
Okay, this is where we part ways.
Amy, you should come over to my house.
- Uh, I think I'm just gonna... - No, no, no, ssh, ssh, my friends and I...
No, Rachel, I think I'm just gonna head home tonight.
Okay, go home. Say hi to Steve or Dan.
I don't know because nobody tells me anything but I am a good friend.
Court, you are my best friend, right?
I want to hear about your sisters.
- Doesn't matter to me. - Tell me about the juice boxes.
Later, Amy. Come on, tell me about your big.
Amy. Amy...
Oh, my God, Steve, what the fuck?
I have something I need to tell you...
No, I don't want to hear it tonight, seriously.
- Amy, wait, wait, wait. - Oh, my God, I know, okay.
I know you told Connor about the pregnancy.
I mean, we weren't going to tell anyone, let alone him.
I didn't tell him. He stole my phone and read my texts.
I didn't even know.
Ugh. Fucking, of course, he did. A fucking asshole!
Did you know he called me a cunt tonight?
- That's not him. - Yeah, it is him!
And you want to think he's like misunderstood or tortured
or whatever Steve but he is an asshole.
Even he knows it.
Okay, maybe in high school but I think he's better now.
I think in college, he's different...
We're not at college. We are here.
We're supposed to be here.
- Amy. - What?
- Are you fucking laughing? Are you laughing? - I can't help it.
That face you make when you're mad is kind of adorable.
I think it's funny. It's funny.
No, that, listen, Amy, I... I love that face you make when you're mad.
I do.
And that... And that's what's insane because you'd think that when you're mad,
that would be like the one time I couldn't be happy but I am.
I'm just happier when I'm with you.
And... And then when you're not mad at me,
it's like, it's even better, it's, um, like, I don't know.
I... I think, I think, what I'm trying to tell you,
I think is that no one makes me feel as happy
or as good or as right as you.
And I should have said something a long time ago. And I always had excuses.
I should have told you at Thanksgiving break
or... Or a thousand times in high school or the moment that I met you.
I don't know if it's the alcohol or the Christmas spirit
because nobody seems to take down their fucking decorations
or if it's because I'm pretty sure this is the last chance I am going to get.
Amy Bruckner, I am in love with you.
Do you...
I thought we were past this, I just...
Okay, listen, Steve, I care about you so much.
But not...
No, but it's not... You haven't done anything wrong.
And you deserve the best. I... Shit!
Oh, my God.
Someone called the cops on Connor's party.
Yeah, that... That was him.
- Have you ever... - He called the cops on his own party?
I don't get him.
And you knew and you didn't say anything?
- I... I was coming here. - But, Steve...
Oh, my God, Steve, our friends are there! There are drugs!
I mean, people are going to get in serious trouble
and you could have stopped it but you had to...
Oh, my God, you know what, I... I can't do any of this tonight.
I'm drunk and I'm pissed and I'm going home.
- I don't believe you. - What?
You can't tell me that this whole time you've never thought about it?
You and me?
Steve, what do you mean I can't tell you?
That's exactly what I'm telling you.
I mean, don't expect me to feel some way, just because you do.
No, it's not... I did not expect you to say, yes,
but now that you've said no, I'm confused.
Uh, at times, you have given off signals.
What signal, I mean, what... What... What signs do you think you saw,
wait, I mean, we were, you know, having fun?
I mean, we're friends.
Well, I don't want to be just your friend.
Fuck.
- Amy. - You know what,
I don't think I want to see you for a while.
- At least until the fifth. - What?
Did you fucking forget?
I just wasn't thinking about that.
Must be nice.
Bye.
Hey. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll... I'll pick you up in just a bit.
Okay, listen, I've been thinking a lot and I apologize for the other night.
You put yourself out there and that takes a lot
and I didn't react as gracefully as I could have.
It's just been... It's been a tough year for me.
Especially with keeping... Trying to keep Dan
and I working, finding a place at school has been hard
and I've just been feeling really shitty alone and I...
Okay, listen, Steve, I really suck at talking about this stuff
but I really need you as a friend right now.
So, what you're... What you're saying is for now, you need for us to be friends.
I'm saying you're my best friend.
So, you don't...
- But like maybe at some point, you... - No.
But you knew?
After the party, you said you thought that we were past this.
Which means at some point, you must have realized...
I don't know I might... God, I know I might have guessed
but I didn't want to think about it.
Okay. Thank you for apologizing.
You know, Father Goldwater brought up abortion
during the sermon today.
Oh, really? I wasn't aware Catholics had an opinion on the matter.
And it was like some throwaway line during the homily,
- list of things wrong with the world. - What the fu...
Are you trying to make this an ethical dilemma?
No, I was... Never mind.
You know what else Catholics are against?
Gay people. Evolution.
Oh, and pre-marital sex,
which is clearly something you don't have an issue with.
Sorry I said anything.
But since you brought it up, why did we do it?
I was fucked up.
- I mean, I was drunk fucked up and I was emotionally fucked up. - You know what...
I... I know, clearly, the circumstances under
which it happened they weren't the greatest
but it did feel like maybe at some point...
No, it didn't feel like anything. Oh, my, Steve, can you stop?
Can you just stop taking years of memories of friendship
and inserting the subtext that you just wanted to fuck me the whole time?
No, no, God, it's not what this is.
It.. It... Look, it felt like to everyone like our friendship was tipping.
Lots and lots and lots of people throughout the years
always made jokes about like, "Hey, look, it's Steve and Amy."
What? So lots and lots of people make jokes
and they comment on it and so we should do something about it?
- But we should be... - Maybe they saw something that we weren't seeing.
What the fuck?
That's not how it fucking works, Steve. I'm not attracted to you.
I mean, fuck... Yeah, you've been nothing but great to me
but I don't owe you anything in return,
other than to treat you like a decent human being.
That's it. That's all you're owed.
And I gave you so much more than that. I mean, we were best friends.
We're here.
Hey, real quick before we go in.
Fucking what?
I just feel like we never really talked about, um, alternatives.
To our friendship?
- No, to the... This. - No, no, no, no.
Just hear me out. We don't have to do anything about it.
I... I, uh, just have something I want to say.
Uh...
What if we put the kid up for adoption?
I know it wouldn't be easy but let's just think about it for a second.
I... I could help you with the pregnancy and the adoption process.
Yeah, yeah, this was a mistake but I think that if we work together really hard,
you know, this whole shitty situation,
we could make something good out of it.
You know, someone could love this kid
and we could help that happen.
Yeah, we could.
Now, let's go kill it.
You know, it makes me really fucking uncomfortable when you say shit like that.
Oh, it makes you uncomfortable.
You're only here to make me comfortable
but you can't even do that.
You kids seem nervous. Your first time?
- Yeah. - Oh.
Oh, first times always scary but you get used to it.
Wife and I, fourth, fourth time.
Honey, honey, come here.
Tell these kids they got nothing to worry about.
Oh! Oh, yeah, the media makes it out to be this scary thing, abortion.
Don't do that. But it's simple.
You're in, you're out, you are done.
And there's nothing to be ashamed of.
No, no, of course, not.
Sweetie, you should not feel ashamed.
- Now look at us. - We still have the most loving and honest relationship.
- Yes, we do. - We just don't want to have kids.
No, we've talked about it, it's not for us.
- Doesn't mean our marriage isn't great. - It's great.
No, it's fantastic. Loving and honest.
- You two ever think about getting married? - No.
- So, you're just dating? - That's fine too!
No, no, we're just friends.
- Are we? - Or I guess we're not even that.
You know, uh, you may not be friends
but you're going to have to be friendly.
I mean, if you are getting an abortion together.
Yeah, that's us.
Just a couple of friendly, abortion companions.
Yeah.
- Amy Bruckner? - Yeah.
If you'll follow me, please.
- She's gonna be fine. - Yeah.
So will you. You'll see.
Thanks.
Hey, sorry, sorry.
I waited till the last second to pack like an idiot.
I'll be down in a minute.
- Hey, can we talk? - Yeah, what's up?
I just... I feel like we've been bumming each other out this break.
Maybe, like on New Year's, we had a tough conversation
but I felt good about us
and we got really excited about having a fun night out together.
And then suddenly, the fun just got zapped out of it.
- I don't know what happened, I... - It's... No, it's...
Like when you and I started to...
I just think we're just in different places right now.
And even if we want it to be like high school again,
it's not going to be and that's fine.
I mean, it's just natural.
I don't want it to be like high school.
I want it to be better.
I know what it's like now to have close female friends
who want to spend time together and have fun.
I want that for you and me, like we're college friends.
Well, I don't really have...
Oh, my God, I know that you're not in a sorority.
I mean, why is that such a thing with you?
- Is that what this is about? - No, it's not.
I just... It's not what college is for me, you know?
I mean, I don't do the big groups and the going out and getting drunk and...
Oh, yeah? What do you do?
I mean... I do homework.
I watch Netflix.
Uh...
I'm just... I'm alone.
So, mostly, I just work on my fucking time machine so that I can go back to
when I actually had control over my life.
- I'm sorry. Look, I honestly... - It's not on you.
It's...
I'll go back and figure it out this semester.
I really hope you do.
Let me know if there's any way I can help you.
Well, my mom's still at work with the car so I could really use that ride.
Yeah, about that, so here's the thing.
I wasn't really sure how this conversation would go.
I thought we might need space or something,
I called Steve to pick you up
and... And he said he didn't think that it was a good idea
but I said that you wanted him to.
I didn't... Is there something going on between you two?
I'm... I'm sorry. Um look, you're right. I'll get in my car right now...
No, it's...
I'll deal with it.
Let me just say I am incredibly sorry for my monumentally shitty
and immature behavior
and I understand if you can't forgive me because...
I didn't tell Rachel to call you.
I'm gonna call you an Uber.
- I want to drive. - What?
I haven't driven in a while and I just... I... I want to drive.
Okay, yeah, I mean, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I don't even have to come if you don't want me to.
You could just, well, I guess I need the car back.
Just get in.
This is really fucked up.
Yeah, what is?
That we're not talking.
That you were so offended
I didn't feel the way you wanted me to
that you couldn't even be the bare minimum of a friend.
And it's fucked up that the best friendship in my life
is based off of me ignoring how you felt and leading you on
because it was easier then...
...and it's just really fucked up that we had sex
and had to have an abortion, so, just everything.
You shouldn't feel bad about leading me on.
- I read into shit... - Shut the fuck up, Steve.
You don't get to be a martyr.
You have plenty to feel bad about, trust me.
Just let me feel bad about the shit I did.
I am not okay with how I did this break.
I thought I knew how I would act in certain situations
that I really didn't and I am very sorry.
Are we going to be okay?
I'd like to be.
Me, too.
Eventually, I miss having fun with you.
I want to go back to that but I just... I don't even know where to begin.
♪ Dashing through the snow ♪
♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪
♪ O'er the fields we go ♪
♪ Laughing all the way Bells on bobtails ring ♪
This isn't even a little bit of what I meant
when I said having fun with, Steven.
Oh, really? By "having fun" you didn't mean
listening to a physical CD of off-pitch Catholic housewives.
No, especially while driving through a city
that's renowned for its lack of cold weather
and precipitation and they're literally singing about snow.
Actually, I... I think that, uh, snow means Holy Spirit.
- So, it's a metaphor? - I mean, it usually is.
I take it back. This is very fun.
♪ Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells Jingle all the way ♪
♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride ♪
♪ In a one horse open sleigh Hey ♪
♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells Jingle all the way ♪
♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride In a one-horse open sleigh ♪
♪ Hey, Jingle bells Jingle bells Jingle all the way ♪
♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride ♪
♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪
♪ Should Auld ♪
♪ Acquaintance be forgot ♪
♪ And never brought to mind ♪
♪ Should Auld Acquaintance ♪
♪ Be forgot ♪
♪ And Auld Lang Syne ♪
♪ For Auld Lang Syne ♪
♪ My dear ♪
♪ For Auld Lang Syne ♪
♪ We'll take a cup of kindness Yet ♪
♪ For Auld Lang Syne ♪
♪ We two have run About the slopes ♪
♪ And picked the daisies fine ♪
♪ But we've wandered Many a weary foot ♪
♪ Since Auld Lang Syne ♪
♪ For Auld Lang Syne ♪
♪ My dear ♪
♪ For Auld Lang Syne ♪
♪ We'll take A cup of kindness yet ♪
♪ For Auld Lang Syne ♪
♪ My dear ♪
♪ For Auld Lang Syne ♪
♪ We'll take A cup of kindness yet ♪
♪ For Auld Lang Syne ♪