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In the spring of 1956, Archangel Films,
a landmark studio located in Culver City, California,
produced a science fiction movie of such immense scope,
it was said it would eclipse anything
yet seen on the silver screen.
Mr. Archibald Angel, Chairman of the studio held
a private screening of this film
for a select group of shareholders.
Reportedly, the movie earned its title
when the VIP's screamed out, "Unbelievable,"
on several occasions during the first reel.
It was then that Mr. Angel allegedly
went berserk trying to set fire to the film.
In the early morning hours of April 13th, 1956,
the entire studio burned to the ground and those
who had seen the movie tragically perished in the flames.
Incredibly, one of the only items
to survive the fire was the film itself.
Inside one of the metal canisters
was a note Mr. Angel wrote to his wife,
making her promise not to show anyone
the movie until quote,
"It decomposes into a mass of gelatinous goo."
After she recently passed away,
film preservationists were astounded
to discover this cinematic treasure
at a garage sale in Bel Air.
Purchased for the sum of $3,
it has been restored to its original luster
and it's now ready to be presented to the world.
Produced before computerized special effects,
and bloated production budgets,
it is a true reflection of Hollywood during its Golden Age.
You will be among the first to see this movie.
Lost for more than 50 years,
it is my distinct pleasure to present
the world premier of, "Unbelievable!!!!!"
If you stare at it for another five hours,
I'm sure they'll call.
The studio's not interested.
How could they treat us like this after all we did?
We don't appeal to their demographic.
Live long and prosper my ass.
I say let's wake this town up.
How do you plan to do that?
With this.
A lousy script?
What's it about?
It's like "Airplane!" only funnier,
or "Spaceballs" but ballsier.
But who's gonna produce it?
- Us? - Come on.
We know a lot of people.
Most everyone I know is either here or at Forest Lawn.
I'll tell you who we need.
We need Kirk.
Kirk, are you kidding?
Is he still alive?
Better than alive.
He's immortal.
What the hell?
Don't tell me he sold his soul to the Weinstein's?
Nope, rumor has it he went
to the best plastic surgeon in town.
He's been vacuu-formed.
Get him on the phone.
Yeah, this is Kirk.
Who's this?
Oh, yes.
Always glad to hear from the little people.
What's that?
You want me to do your film?
Well, my normal day rate's six figures.
Scale?
No.
Listen, when they find a cure for Alzheimer's, call me.
Daddy, we want a role.
- Yes. - Please.
- Yeah? - Oh, I want a role.
- Okay, If you want me, - Please.
you have to give all my girls roles in the film.
Oh, yay!
And my pony gets some face time, too.
You know how I love horses.
Okay.
Okay, we got a deal.
- Good, good. - Thank you!
Two games left.
Do you have to strut around like that?
I've been stranded here
for six months with no hairdresser,
no manicures, no masseuse.
The least I can do is keep my tan from fading.
Well, I'm not sure my fiance would approve.
Please.
You're as bad as that fruity husband of mine.
The only time I get a rise out of you
is when you want a beer.
Well, I could use a cold one right about now.
Dream on, Jack.
I drank the last of it three weeks ago.
Are you expecting someone?
Must be a Jehovah's Witness.
Tell 'em to hit the road.
What's with you?
It was...
I saw a...
It looked like a bush!
Well, get a bikini wax.
No, it's scraggly and green.
Well, that's a little more information than I need.
And your personal problems should
be shared between you and your husband.
You hear me?
Cheryl?
Oh my God!
It's all over her body.
She must've caught some extraterrestrial STD.
Oh, holy herpes!
I've got it, too.
Why in the hell did I wash her panties with mine?
Oh no!
It's spreading!
Oh!
Hi, Miss Hastings?
Yeah?
I'm Private Durwood, radio operator 171,
reporting for A.S.S duty.
Contact Lunar Base.
Yes, Ma'am.
Lunar Base, this is Mission Control in Houston.
Do you read Lunar Base?
Do you read me Lunar Base?
Do you read?
Over.
They still can't read?
Yeah, why can't we train them to be more polite?
What do you think?
I guess I don't think.
And that's why we hired you, Dillwood.
It's Durwood.
Yeah, whatever.
Okay.
Sorry.
Should I just keep contacting them?
Just keep contacting the Lunar Base.
Oh!
It's my first day.
Aunt Jemima.
Oh, smiley face emoticon.
Mrs. Butterworth!
Tatty Tayle here, reporting
from Captain Kirk Stillwood's ready room.
It's been quiet here for the past few hours.
The Space Agency's always been open with the press,
but with this launch, A.S.S. has become incredibly tight.
Hey, put a sock in it.
Some of us are trying to sleep.
Sorry.
Let's see what happens next.
Amber, where did you come from?
Well, I came from the launch site
if that's what you're asking.
Hello?
Aren't you forgetting to mention
the 800 pound doughnut in the room?
THE GARDENER OF FRICKIN' FOREVER: Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, pally, okay?
I'm not a doughnut.
I am The Gardener of Frickin' Forever.
You jacked that thing like 50 years ago.
Oh, stealing an artifact from another world
is against the prime derivative.
I'd rather hollow out my eyes with a rusty corkscrew
than violate that sacred law.
THE GARDENER OF FRICKIN' FOREVER: This putz,
this narcissistic putz!
It'll take him frickin' forever
to admit he's a full on kleptomaniac.
Where did you get those cribbles?
- Oh, that's Nay Nay - I'm Nay Nay.
and that's Tay Tay,
- space groupies. - I'm Tay Tay.
They mean nothing to me.
Hey, you two shut it.
- Boy! - Stop makin' a scene.
- Quiet! - Boogie my block.
We're ready for launch.
Just, please try to make everything look
as routine as possible, okay?
You must think I'm one hell of an actor, huh?
In your wettest of dreams, Kirk.
You know, if something goes wrong up there,
this'll be the end of the program.
Well, I thought we had 80 more minutes...
Oh, that program.
Oh.
Before you leave, somebody wants to debrief you.
Oh Amber, I've told you 1,000 times, I'm straight.
Why won't anyone believe me?
So, I like sweaty puppets on steroids.
Does that make me weird?
You can come in now.
THE GARDENER OF FRICKIN' FOREVER: I can be
a gateway to your own past.
All you gotta do is say the word and I'll be your gateway.
Now, many such journeys are possible.
Just enter and allow me to show you
The Gardener of Frickin' Forever, to show you...
Damn it!
I didn't have time to finish the shpeel.
To all inferior creatures,
I bring great tidings of joy.
His Holiest of Holies will be amongst you in seconds.
This is interesting.
Maybe we can get some real news for a change.
Greetings.
Shizzle my nizzle.
Before you stands the most righteous,
the most spectacular Major LeGrande Bushe,
here for you to obey, honor,
bow down, to kneel before, you lame ass humans.
You may proceed.
Oh, Tay Tay.
LeGrande Bushe!
- Oh! - Well, hello ladies.
Climb onboard the good ship, Bushe,
- for a ride like - Oh, Nay Nay!
you've never known.
Hey, find your own women, pal.
So you're Tay Tay,
and you're Nay Nay,
or are you Nay Nay and you Tay Tay?
Gets a bit confused since you're so luscious, both of you.
You'll be sorry.
Why is that my man?
'Cause their sister for Va-Jay Jay
was the only one born female.
Oh, now who?
That would be my most awesome military aid.
I present, Captain Buttock Snortz.
I am Buttock,
Captain of the spaceship, Facetious,
from the First Federation of the second nation,
to the third conglomeration.
You are obviously primitive creatures
who have no reason to live.
Yet, the great and powerful Bushe
has graced you with his presence.
Honor this opportunity
or you shall certainly perish in everlasting torment.
I never forget a face.
Didn't you destroy the Star Ship Constipation?
Silence!
Whoa.
Excuse you.
Refrain from speaking
when the great and powerful Bushe is addressing you.
Thank you, Captain Snortz.
Yo Pups, the Lunar Base has been
on the down low for the past two weeks.
Nobody knows squat about our homies up there.
We don't know why they took a powder,
but this Star Trekker voice,
it's gotta look completely routine.
There's nothing routine about our routine...
Shut your hole.
Oh hell no!
Can I get a PA to bring me a towel please?
Is that really necessary?
- Oh! - Nasty.
Just who do you think you are?
Well, lil homie, I'm really an alien
here to take over the world.
So, how did you get here on our planet, the Earth?
Well, we arrived in a 5,000 mile long mothership fool.
It's double parked on the backside of the Moon.
That's very funny, Major.
If this alien thing doesn't work out for you,
you've always got a future in stand-up.
Insolence!
Damn it, Bones.
I'm a captain, not an exorcist.
That's just another demonstration
of our superiority.
Well, it's been fun, but we have to get going.
These stupid ass humans.
Soon I will take over the planet
with my army of plants.
Damn, you got some big teeth, Captain Snortz.
I'm big all over, Major.
Yeah.
Let's roll a blunt.
This is the launchman.
Launch T-minus four hours, 22 minutes and counting.
Clear the launch area immediately.
All authorized personnel are requested
to leave the launch site.
All unauthorized personnel
can do whatever the hell they want.
Hello?
Yeah, we'll accept the charges.
Yeah, she's right here.
It's Amber Earhardt for you.
Ah!
Hey, Amber girl.
Did you get any last night?
Let's not go there.
Hey, what's the deal with that Bushe?
Oh, Bushe.
I thought you said you didn't wanna go there.
No, I meant the Major who briefed us.
He looked like he was growing out of his clothes
like some sort of a weed.
What the hell?
I'll contact the personnel director and see what she knows.
Keep the press canned though and everything will be a-okay.
Okay.
Is there trouble?
What do you think?
I don't think.
And that's why you make the big bucks, Dagwood.
It's Durwood.
Yeah, close enough.
Joe Durwood!
Durwood.
Clear the launch area immediately.
Oo, we have leaks in five primary systems.
Our fuel line is ruptured and we have loss
of power in our life support batteries.
Can you override?
It's a go!
What time is it?
27 minutes to launch.
How much longer?
Mm, just under 10 minutes.
Why are you so nervous?
'Cause I built this piece of crap!
This isn't givin' me a lot of confidence.
I'm surprised you have any at all.
Oh, I can't stand this.
What time is it?
We leave in two minutes.
Let me now acquaint you with
the various safety features aboard our craft.
We have life vests under your seats
and inflatable rafts over both coat racks.
We're down to one minute, T-minus 60 seconds.
Yeah, lemme get a large pepperoni and onion, light cheese.
Everything is a go.
T-minus 40 seconds.
Yeah, my number?
Yeah, it's 987-654-3210.
No, not yet!
Oh.
Oh, damn.
Oh, I'm so blamin' this on someone else.
Yeah, no, I'm gonna pick that up.
Yeah, no, no, I'm comin' now.
Oh, yeah, thanks.
Whoa!
Warp speed.
Don't flush till we're over the ocean.
Good thing I changed my underwear.
What's wrong?
Well, for starters I'm being chased
around the block house by an alien.
Oh, don't jump to conclusions.
Are you sure
- it's an alien, Amber? - Go away!
Well, it's ugly and it's disgusting and green.
Ew, it's roots are outrunning me.
Don't panic.
We've gotta keep a lid on this.
Now if the press finds out we have
an alien running around the block house,
we'll never get another dime.
Oh!
But, but...
Yeah, yeah, don't worry.
- Stop it! - Don't worry,
- Stop it! - I'll get back to you.
Aliens?
Yeah.
What do you think?
I don't think.
And therefore you don't exist, Deadwood.
- It's Durwood. - Get back down there.
Okay.
Oo.
Ah, we've slipped the surly bonds of Earth.
There goes the big, blue marble.
What the what?
There's a potted plant out there.
What?
Oh, there's a potted plant out there.
Nope.
You're hallucinating as usual.
Why is he always trying to scare me?
I will pop a cap in your wood ass.
Whoa, it's the flamin', coitus.
Don't even think about it, hickory nut.
Oh!
But, but.
Boris, this is Natasha.
I am activating my 3D holographic display.
Come in.
This is Boris coming in.
Report, comrade.
I have successfully penetrated Americana airspace.
No challenge, no resistance.
It would be futile.
Panama, come in.
State your current location.
Wait, comrade, I'm receiving another transmission.
I'll see what they want.
Mm.
Panama, come in.
Please state your current location, over.
Over the Cape.
What do you see down there?
Over.
It's unbelievable.
Cars abandoned in the road.
There's no sign of life.
Lights in the tower are on
but I don't see anyone down there.
Just a lotta plants.
Over.
Plants?
- Over. - Yeah, Roger, plants.
Please return to base, over.
Roger, Roger.
Boris, the Americana's are fleeing their homeland.
They must have received word of our impending invasion.
Excellent news, Natasha.
I'll inform Placidium.
You will receive order of landing for your bravery.
Returning to base.
Good evening and welcome
to another edition of "One on One."
I'm your host, Laura Luzair.
Tonight, we have with us Dr. Samantha Stamen, Head Botanist
at the U.S. Department of Agriculture in Washington, D.C.
Dr. Stamen, thank you for joining us.
The pleasure is all yours.
Indeed!
So, how did you become a head botanist?
I wasn't aware that plants had heads.
I wasn't aware that you didn't.
As to my chosen profession,
I guess I was destined to be a botanist
since my family name is synonymous
with the plants' reproductive sack.
I got a lot of taunting at school,
- but I'm sure - Aw!
you can relate to that, Luzair.
Of course!
Tonight, we are facing the greatest threat to humanity.
I am talking about the household plant.
We invite them into our homes because they look innocent
and they don't give us any crap,
but my research shows that they are
the first wave of a massive invasion force headed
for this planet at this very moment.
Let me demonstrate a quick and effective way
to rid yourselves of these treacherous creatures.
Put the noose around the stem and pull it taught
so the plant can't escape and then,
push it off the closest ledge or window sill.
Oh, dear God!
Why didn't you warn us?
Ladies and gentlemen, if it's not too late,
please send your children into another room.
You fools!
You're in danger!
Don't you see it?
They're after you!
They're after all of us.
Your wives, your children.
Oh, they're already here!
Oh!
You're next!
I don't see anyone.
Just these plants, everywhere.
Where did all the people go?
It's like they're still here but aren't.
What's with all these weird spores?
I don't know, but they better not clog up our air supply.
Hey, you guys?
What the hell is this?
I don't know, one of them damn vegans from LA?
It says right here his name is Benjamin Ficus.
Hey, there's plants in all the other cars, too.
Call headquarters.
This whole town's turning into a giant nursery.
Say, are you feelin' all right?
You look kinda tired.
You gettin' enough sleep?
Get your eyes checked.
You're the one looking
like roadkill.
Well, if you ask me both
of you should find the nearest funeral home.
Yeah, well nobody's askin' you Miss Recedin' Hairline.
Oh, really?
Look who's talking, Miss It Took Me
a Week to Cover my Bald Spot!
What you two need is a good plastic surgeon.
Your faces are hanging down below your ankles.
- What? - Hey, come to think of it,
you're startin' to look like her.
That's funny, I was thinkin'
the same thing about you two losers.
- Oh, my God! - Oh!
We're starting to mutate!
No, no, no, no, I can't look as hideous as you!
I can't tell if that's your face or your ass!
Oh my God!
What a way to go.
What the hell is happening to us?
Let me see!
I look like the Crypt Keeper's father!
Come here!
Get back here!
Shut your hole!
Holy Botox, my husband'll never lay me again.
He'll never lay me again either.
You're the one who's been screwin' him?
Oops, sorry.
What are friends for?
I oughta!
Yeah, well, better you than her.
Guess it's time to confess.
Uh oh.
You cheap little tartelette!
- You whore of Babylon! - Don't fight, don't fight!
No, no, no, no!
Don't fight!
- Don't fight, don't fight! - Watch my hair.
My hair, my hair!
Miss Hastings, I have the latest report
from the National Guard.
Read it to me, Douchewood.
Okay.
"Blackout has spread throughout the county,
"including the Cape.
"No apparent reason or explanation yet discovered."
Wait.
Oh my God.
What is that?
It's moving right for us.
Terry, don't!
Oh, come on, man.
I just wanna touch it.
Oh, no, Terry, open fire.
Joe, open fire!
Shoot that green son of a bitch.
Wait!
How the hell did it get behind me?
Get it off my face!
- I can't breathe. - Oh!
I can't breathe.
I can't, I can't, it's changing me!
I'm afraid that's it.
Well, you better call the President.
This is a national emergency
and all action taken should be thorough and...
Shut your hole!
Immediate.
Assure him that I'm staying on top of the situation.
Busy, busy, busy, busy again.
I'm the President of the United States.
You'd think I could at least get ahold of my bookie.
All our communications are being jammed.
Every cell tower in America is being overwhelmed with vines.
Secretary Downe, you send the Army over there
with some great big weed whackers, all right?
I want those towers cleared and those damn vines whacked.
I wish we could, Sir.
Here are these, the latest satellite surveillance photos.
Sweet Mother of God.
There are vines everywhere.
What am I gonna say to millions and millions of people?
They're all gonna lose their leaves.
Mr. President, I've got A.S.S. on the phone.
You got what?
I've got A.S.S. on the phone.
Ass?
You got a ass on the phone?
Well, then spray somethin' on the damn thing.
Put some disinfectant on it
if you're gonna put that thing in my face.
- No sir, no. - Clean your own ass
- Sir, Sir... - for Christ sakes.
No, no, no.
- No, Sir. - What the hell are you doin'?
- What are you thinkin'? - It's the Space Agency.
Some private named Doodywood is calling.
Doodywood and an ass phone.
What the hell is this country coming to?
Put him on speaker phone.
Go ahead, Doodywood.
This is National Security Advisor, Russell Sprout.
- I'm here with President Dover, - Yeah.
and Defense Secretary Downe.
What's goin' on?
Doodyhead, you're on the phone
with Neil Downe and Ben Dover.
Will you respond, Sir?
Say somethin' you idiot.
I'm sorry, Sir, I'm afraid we're cut off from the world.
All right, that's enough.
Now it's time to nuke these green goblin bastards
right down to their stem cells.
Right?
Total, complete, absolute deforestation.
You understand?
Mr. President, right now,
I couldn't order us a pizza.
Well, who the hell's gonna eat a pizza?
Unless you cook it at 9,000 degrees.
I want nuclear ash up to the windows in here.
I'm gonna take 'em out.
I'm gonna take 'em down.
It's over for them vines and that's it
or my name ain't Ben Dover.
We'll be at your command bunker in a minute.
You can run the attack from there.
If we make it alive because
this idiot's all over the road.
Hang on, honey!
You got to get a new wardrobe my dear.
I can't feel my legs!
Where is the slide?
Get me outta here!
- Mr. President, help! - Come on!
Give me my hand.
- Sir! - Go ahead, kill him!
Let go of my pants!
This way, Mr. President.
I'm gon' shield you with my Afro.
- Shoot, let's go. - Well, thank you.
Let's go.
Get the hell outta here.
Come on, Eileen.
Okay, Dad, don't burst a valve.
- Mr. President? - Yeah?
Your wife will be joining you any minute.
Oh, thanks for reminding me.
Oh no.
Oh, there, there.
Sweetheart, I'm sure your mom's gonna be okay.
I've got no bars.
Wait, what are we doing in this creepy place?
Honey, this is the presidential bunker.
All right?
You'll be safe here.
I don't wanna be safe.
I wanna go to the mall.
Mr. President?
Yeah?
We have a situation.
Listen, your name is Sprout, right?
So why don't ya like talk plant to them?
We come in peace.
We mean you no harm.
You know, it ain't workin' so,
this blows my reelection completely to hell.
I'm just gonna go over there and shoot myself in the face.
Well, gang, I think it's a good time
to talk about ourselves.
That way we'll get to know each other better.
Why?
The audience has to bond with us.
Otherwise we're nothing more than cardboard characters.
I'll start.
I am an Aires with a Taurus rising
and my Moon in Libra.
I was an Eager Beaver Scout at the age of 10,
then graduated three years later with a PhD in astrophysics.
Now, although I'm married,
I've never been sexually aroused by my wife.
I'm intelligent, resourceful,
loyal, honest, and squeaky clean.
I'm also highly naive and possess a nonexistent libido.
My main goal in life is to live forever.
Okay, your turn.
I was born and raised in the sewers of New York.
I found out pretty quickly that I needed an education,
so I knocked over a bank and entered one
of those ritzy finishing schools.
Then, I was ready for the world.
I started making phone calls.
I got ahold of some big shot who worked at the agency.
I told him about my qualifications
to be an astronaut and he hired me.
How about you guys?
I don't know where, when or why I was born.
A pack of wolves found me at Yellowstone Park.
I lived with them for 23 years before I bailed.
It taught me all about nature and the wilderness.
I still sleep on a bed of leaves.
My best friends are plants and animals.
I'm sensitive, shy, loving,
and have hidden wells of creative talent.
I crave orange juice and nudity.
My secret desire is to spread mustard on my...
Thanks, Charlie.
Okay, Doc, what's your story?
Well, I come from a large Chinese farm family.
When I got tired of picking rice,
I hopped a banana boat to Houston.
I inherited psychic abilities from Buddha.
A few years ago, I found my medical degree
in a Cracker Jack box.
Pretty easy bein' a doctor.
All you have to do is double talk to sick bastards.
I'm pretty materialistic and I have a pretty short temper,
and I've killed or maimed dozens
with my stunning incompetence.
Don't you guys feel the love?
Well, now people will actually care about us.
Wanna bet?
Let's float back to our bunks.
Ah, the feeling of weightlessness.
Isn't this awesome?
Words don't do it justice.
Whoa!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Connie, read me a story.
Not tonight, Kirk.
I've got a headache.
Oh, come on, Charlie, be a pal.
We're going 10,000 miles an hour.
I'll get space sick.
Bob?
Don't even ask.
Oh.
Well, then I'll read it to you.
It's one of my best stories.
Wait, you're gonna read us something you wrote?
Of course, I can't get enough of myself.
"Goodnight, Earth.
"Goodnight, joy and mirth.
"Goodnight to my belt and ever expanding girth.
"Goodnight, Earth.
"Goodnight to those lights in Perth.
"Goodnight to my agents and my outstanding networth."
That's enough of that noise.
Huh?
Hey, we all need some rest.
Okay, then.
Goodnight, Connie.
Goodnight, Kirk.
Goodnight, Charlie.
- Goodnight, Kirk. - Goodnight, Charlie.
Goodnight, Connie.
Goodnight, Bob.
Goodnight, Connie.
Goodnight, Bob.
Yeah, yeah, okay, goodnight.
Goodnight, Bobby Boy.
And don't call me boy.
I'm Chinese.
What?
You're Chinese?
Where's the shuttle now?
Oh my God.
It's three minutes from lunar impact.
Better wake 'em up.
Yes, my mistress.
Slither off, slave.
Do you approve, Sensei?
I find your need for approval annoying.
Never attempt to curve my favor
with such a shameful display.
You have much to learn.
Oh, thank you, Sensei.
I shall try harder.
Do.
There is no try.
Houston, this is Lunar Shuttle Five.
We've made a successful landing and everything's just swell.
Oh, hold on.
I hereby promise the people of Earth one thing,
that we won't contact you again
until we've solved this vexing enigma.
We're sorry,
you have reached a number that has been disconnected
or is no longer in service.
Hey, shouldn't we be wearing suits?
This isn't a formal occasion.
I sure hope my friend Jack's okay in there.
What about your wife?
Her too.
Who is it?
It's Kirk and Connie and Bob and Charlie.
Hey.
Look who's here.
Hi.
How are you, Connie?
Good to see you, too.
Kirk, how are you?
Have you lost your mind?
Come on in.
Hello, Cheryl.
Did you miss me?
Are you happy to see me?
Are you having a good time?
Are you happy to be going home?
Good talking to you, Cheryl.
Connie, how long are you staying?
- As long as... - As long as necessary.
I think Jack was talking to me.
Bob, I want you to give these two a through examination.
You need my report as soon as possible.
I need your report as soon as possible.
So do I.
Come with me.
What happened?
What gives?
What is it, what, what's going on?
What happened to my Jack?
What indeed?
I bet he's been brainwashed by that slutty ho of yours.
No, I think it's something
more than that slutty ho of mine.
Let's look around.
Wow.
Odd.
Trail of dirt seems to lead to this drawer.
Hm.
Plant food.
Hm.
Interesting plot development.
♪ Freaky, freaky boys ♪
♪ Sexy, sexy boys ♪
What's the verdict, Doc?
Well, they seem strong enough.
I'll have my final report later.
Kirk, you have to go downstairs
and get our computerized flight plan ready.
- All right, then... - all right, we can,
this time he's talking to me.
Hm.
I mean, we can go right now if you'd like.
Great.
They want outta here bad.
Are you havin' a psychic impression, Bob?
Yeah, you could call it that.
I'll stay here and finish my report.
Let's go after 'em.
Oop!
Is this a sauna?
Nope, it's an elevator.
It looks like a sauna.
Trust me, it's an elevator.
It's gettin' pretty hot in here.
It's an elevator, okay?
Okay, okay, it's an elevator.
Now what's downstairs, Charlie?
It's a top secret room where
our most sophisticated computers are.
Only a few people in the world have access.
Hm.
Well, how do you keep unauthorized personnel
from just wandering it?
Besides being 240,000 miles from Earth,
and 100 feet below the lunar surface,
there are five security devices that we have to pass.
Can you elucidate?
I could, but who's gonna clean it up?
Hm.
Well, not me.
Sinus analyzer.
Cover nose and breathe deeply.
Oh, breathalyzer, all right.
Whoa!
Sinus analysis complete.
You may proceed.
What's this room?
Footprint analyzer.
Place feet on sensor.
Footprint analysis complete.
You may proceed.
Bite analyzer.
What?
Bite down on sponge.
Really?
Bite down on sponge.
Bite down on sponge, damn it!
All right.
Bite analysis complete,
at last.
You may proceed.
What the hell is this?
Belly button analyzer.
Place plunger over belly button.
Belly button analysis complete.
Stupid.
You may proceed.
Is this the last of it?
Yes.
What's this one do?
Anal analyzer?
Oi!
We're gonna get that computerized print out.
I don't think I can make it.
Well, that's strange.
What do you mean?
We just got TSA'd big time.
How are they able to move?
Good question.
We need to talk but not here.
Jack and Cheryl might hear us.
No we won't.
There's a conference room on level two.
We can talk there.
Great.
Let's see if we can stand.
Oh, man.
Anal analyzer, mother...
Oh!
Oo!
Wow, man!
Wowza!
That yoga's really payin' off.
Get out here now!
Oo, whoa!
White boy's packin' some serious heat up in here.
Yeah!
It's not what you think.
Oh, well you certainly have come to the right girl.
Let's take a little peek.
Okay.
Careful.
Oh, what the Jolly Green Giant is this?
Have you been rippin' off the commissary again?
It just grew.
Grew?
What else do you have down here?
Two great big onions.
Well, this is a real mess ain't it, Farmer John?
Didn't you attend any of my personal hygiene courses?
Oh no.
I feel a tomato coming on.
Oh, what do I do?
Well, grow some lettuce or I'm gonna toss me a salad.
I'm so thirsty.
Are you thirsty?
I'm thirsty.
I need water.
Lots and lots of water.
- Hey, water? - Water.
- Hey. - What happened?
No, no.
I need to be watered, you got to water me.
This won't be enough.
Find another jug.
It's too dark in here, huh?
I need light.
I need, no.
Warm, wonderful light.
No, no, no.
I need light.
Get to one side.
I can't.
My roots are stuck to the floor.
I'm afraid it's too late.
We're turning into plants.
I guess this is the end.
Goodbye, Durwood.
You called me Durwood.
I did, didn't I?
Let's pollinate.
I love you.
I have always loved you.
I'm gonna lick your fruit gub.
I want us to have wild, botanic sex.
I'm gonna squeeze your melon.
Kneel down, Durwood.
Kneel down and feast upon the fruit of my loins.
- Yeah! - Tug on my banana, baby.
I'll tug hard.
Yeah!
Oh, good, you're here.
Guys, we're on this end over here.
Hey.
Guys?
Man, this table's big.
Oo.
Hey guys, what do you say we change it up a bit
and meet on the other end of the table?
No, we're good here.
We like it here.
Oh.
Oh, this table is so long.
Oh, chest pains.
Garrison, must have mouth-to-mouth.
Oh, yeah.
That's my medical report.
I've gone over it and over it.
Is this all you've got?
So far.
I didn't have time to give 'em the full treatment.
What have you found?
Well, they're in perfect shape.
I've never seen two people more healthy.
She hasn't said a word since we got here,
maybe she's hiding something.
Yeah, she wasn't hiding much.
You ever seen a woman wear a bikini backwards?
No, but I sure hope it's a trend.
There's one thing we know for sure.
Something happened to those two.
Another psychic impression, Bob?
You could call it that.
They've certainly been acting strange.
Jack thinks I'm Kirk and thinks Kirk's me.
- Yes, I noticed that, too. - Yeah.
They haven't eaten any of their food in two weeks.
And we haven't heard from them
in the past couple of weeks.
So, the obvious answer is...
They've been on a diet for two weeks
and didn't wanna tell us.
Now we're getting somewhere.
The thing I don't understand is...
That's a shuttle taking off.
Well, at least they didn't jack the nuclear reactor.
Huh?
Those fucking dicks!
Intercom, activate hummingbird.
Connie, Charlie, Bob, get back down here.
The nuclear reactor's going super critical.
And it's about to explode!
This will cause a large scale destruction.
Hey, wait up.
Look at the door!
It's fused shut.
Is there another way in?
Connie, go get a laser gun.
Maybe we can blast our way through.
Right.
Bob, go call Houston.
Tell them of our situation and of Jack and Cheryl.
Sure thing.
Wait, I almost forgot.
Can we attain ingress through another passage?
No, but there's another way in.
Having that piece of chalk
was certainly fortuitous, Charlie.
Lucky, too.
Now, okay, here we have the kitchen
and over here are the bathrooms,
and this is the master bedroom.
Yes, but where is the reactor room?
Sorry.
Wrong complex.
Hurry Charlie, we don't have much time.
Okay, now this is the reactor room.
There's an access tube that leads in here but...
But?
It's connected to the third floor computer complex.
You mean, I've got to go through
all those security devices again?
I'll keep in touch with you by intercom.
Sounds swell.
Wish me luck.
Good luck, Kirk.
We're all counting on ya.
All right.
Sinus analyzer.
- Whoa! - Cover nose
- Guys! - and breath deeply.
Sinus analysis complete.
You may proceed.
Must hurry, must hurry, must hurry.
Stand back!
Nothing's happening.
I know.
I'll increase to full power.
Isn't that a little risky?
Maybe but we've gotta get in there.
Where's Kirk?
I'll check.
Footprint analyzer.
place feet on sensor.
They're on!
Footprint analysis complete.
You may proceed.
Bite analyzer.
Bite down on sponge.
Bite down on sponge!
Bite down on sponge you little wuss.
Ow, come here!
Mm.
Bite analyzer complete.
You may proceed.
It's wet t-shirt time, Ramora,
and you're gonna get it.
Dr. Deystrum, you don't have a long enough hose.
Well, we'll see...
Belly button analyzer.
Place plunger over belly button.
I did, I did.
Belly button analysis complete.
You may proceed.
Ouch!
Anal analyzer.
Oh, God.
I forgot the KY!
Kirk?
There's only seconds left.
Ahead of you is the tube hatch.
Enter one, two, three on the security keypad
and the hatch will open.
Climb into the tube and you'll be in the reactor room.
Can you do it?
I think I can.
Oh, no.
Oh, please.
Please little gerbil, don't fail us now.
Not in our most desperate hour.
We beseech you to keep the wheels spinning.
Although we are only human and you are not,
- So what? - please grant
us deliverance from the dark.
Amen.
Okay.
I'll remember you, always.
Hm.
Whoa!
Jerk-off.
What's happening?
Watch out!
You'll get killed by the laser.
Oh, sorry.
Shield your eyes.
That light can blind you.
How much time do we have?
It's gonna blow any second.
What about this door?
Oh, silly me, there is another door.
Come on!
We fixed it!
That was a close one.
Yeah, but Bob saved the day.
Aw, shucks.
I'd like you guys to know that I did it just to save myself.
Okay.
Yes.
Okay, Charlie.
I'm in.
What now?
Huh?
I was supposed to save us.
We couldn't wait any longer, Kirk.
Oh, so what do you have to say for yourselves?
We're sorry.
What do you make of it, Doc?
Well, it may be advanced schizophrenia
or perhaps a drug related psychosis impairing
their ability to rationalize their thoughts and actions.
Whatever it is, I'm gonna jack 'em up
if they pull that crap again.
Come on, let's go after 'em.
Did you see that?
What?
These plants, they're shaking.
I think they're tryin' to tell us something.
Charlie, plants are your best friends.
Do you think you can make telepathic contact?
I can try.
Ohm.
Well?
It's Jack.
Huh?
It's Jack.
He says he wants a beer.
- No. - Come on.
Ask him.
Jack, is it really you?
Oh, Jack, it is you.
Why did you do this to yourself?
I think they were turned into plants by aliens.
What kind of aliens?
Probably the same kind who were taking
over Earth when we left.
So, those other two were aliens?
You certainly are psychic, Bob.
I'm glad you're on our side.
I know you are.
We gotta get those miserable aliens.
She's right.
Let's expel some gas.
Down periscope.
Oh, we're gaining on them.
Scootie, we need more power!
Me poor bombs are about to overheat, Captain,
but I'll try to get you a wee bit more.
Steady, steady.
Fire futon torpedoes.
This isn't a TV show Captain Jerk.
We don't have weapons.
Look at the size of that thing.
It's like a gigantic greenhouse.
We're too late.
Now what do we do?
It's time to crash this party.
Hang on!
I feel a disturbance in the force,
as if a million plants just cried out in terror.
To hell with those weeping willows.
At least we stopped their invasion.
But now we've got to warn humanity.
Let's get to Earth as fast as we can.
Well, now that we're back on Earth,
maybe we should take a look around.
Whew!
Huh?
What?
Oh.
I'm not going to this party.
Connie, this is Kirk.
What do you got?
Just plants and trees.
All sorts of 'em.
What do you suppose it means?
Huh, I don't know
but there's somethin' awfully shady about this.
Bob, report.
Nothing yet.
Still scanning the area.
Okay.
Charlie?
Yes?
Have you seen anything unusual?
Nothing I haven't seen before.
Okay, Charlie, I'll get back to you.
This is Connie.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Charlie, okay, I'll get back to you.
This is Bob.
Oh, hi Bob.
Oh, I got a headache.
Whoa!
50 years later and he's still pissed.
Crazy kid.
Throw the rock then growl.
Sorry, Daddy.
Stupid flower out in the middle of nowhere.
What are you doin', fool?
You just kicked over a plant.
Your carelessness just cost the life
of a innocent by-stalker.
Ladies and gentlemen,
boys and girls...
Stop eatin' the popcorn while I'm doin' my scene.
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls...
Now the phone's ringin'?
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls,
Apollo commands the...
Stop it!
Let's get ready some more!
Hummingbird motion.
Let's go.
Here we go.
Come on.
Let's go.
Yeah, take that, oh.
Oo.
Oh, you a little wild one.
Oh!
Oh, give me...
Take that.
Oh!
Missed me.
Man, don't touch my hair, man.
Get away from me.
You ain't got nothin', you ain't got nothin'.
I'm Captain Kirk Stillwood.
Who are you Bushe and what do you want?
I am the Lord Sovereign of the Plant Kingdom, Holmes.
Millions of years ago, plants were brought
to the planet Earth but they were used and abused.
Some were even eaten.
And for that, mankind has to pay,
and bitch better have my money.
You mean all these plants?
What's left of the human race.
At least everyone's gone green.
How did you do it?
Our spores were blown all over the world
and inhaled by you fool ass humans.
They immediately became plants.
How's that possible?
Shit if I know.
Hey man, can you help us out?
Who the hell are you?
We're the Choom Gang.
I'm Buzz, this here is my bro, Budd.
We just got in from Venus.
Somethin' smells about you two.
There's a strange odor.
Are you cannabis?
- No man. - No.
- No man, - No.
- no, you got it all wrong. - You got it all...
Captain Snortz?
At your service, Major.
Take over.
These plants are in need of some real tough love.
Careful, Sir.
They mights be narcs.
Feel no shame in what you are.
Pounds is the newest line of five blast bongs and bubblers
which offer a premium smokin' experience.
The Battleship has a rim around the top,
makin' it easy to get to the suction for those massive hits.
That's what I'm talkin' about.
Yeah.
The 13 inch Mothership, whew,
she's built with a barrel and a percolator.
The Rocketship, let me tell you about the Rocketship.
Mm, mm, mm.
The Rocketship has a diffused downstream,
allowing the user to cover the hole
with the ideal suction when they spark it up.
So, whether you into flower or oil,
Pounds has the perfect product for you.
And remember, my most excellent hempsters
go to maryjane.com for all the latest industry news
for all things cannabis, baby.
What do you want Bushe?
On Mars you stole somethin'.
Somethin' that didn't belong to you.
You mean the Big Bang Bean?
The Big Bang Bean.
We want it back.
You'll never get it you despicable odious alien.
Captain Snortz, release the hounds on his cray cray ass.
Whoa!
Ah!
Whoa!
Ah!
- Shut your hole! - Whoa!
Whoa!
- He's in trouble. - Run, run for it!
And so are we.
Those aliens are everywhere.
Wait a minute.
Where's Kirk?
I thought he was with you.
Oh, we must've passed him somehow.
Where the hell could his little butt be?
There he is.
He's out there with the aliens.
Oh dear God, he's surrounded.
Is he dead?
No, it looks like he's playing possum.
I'm a possum.
Ah!
Come on, come on, come on, come on.
Huh?
What?
Weed killer?
Die!
I wanna make out with you.
Yeah!
Oh!
Weed killer.
Yeah.
Unbelievable.
Open the door, open the door!
Open the damn door!
Are you okay?
Yeah.
They'll be back.
You can bet on it.
All right.
Aliens have conquered Earth.
The whole human race gone.
What do they want from us?
They want the Big Bang Bean.
What?
The Big Bang Bean.
I brought it back from Mars.
They want it returned.
So, give it to them.
What good is it anyway?
Well, the Big Bang Bean has awesome power.
They could use it against us.
Yeah, well, maybe we could use it against them.
Yeah.
Where is it?
It's in a top secret hiding place.
Only the President of the United States
and I know where it's actually located.
Yes, but now that the President's a geranium,
you're the only one.
I guess so.
Just give us the Big Bang Bean
and they'll leave us alone.
No, I found it and I'm keeping it.
I think it's time for some gentle persuasion.
I won't give up the Big Bang Bean,
not even for the trillions of dollars
out there completely unguarded.
What did you say?
Well, think of it, all those banks
and credit unions just wide open waiting
for someone to walk in and clean 'em out.
Yeah.
What a thought.
I suppose none of that matters...
Guys?
Where'd they go?
Oh, yeah, I bet they're going on a reconnaissance mission,
spyin' on those aliens.
Hope they bring back somethin' we can use.
Oh, you can count on it.
Hm.
It's been four hours.
We should've heard from them by now.
Oh, give 'em time.
They've probably got their hands full.
Oh, someone just climbed the fence.
That must be them.
I knew they'd have their hands full.
Oh, they sure do.
Look at those aliens.
No, don't stop.
Oh!
I can't look.
Oh!
This is Buttock.
Escape is impossible.
You have three minutes left.
They've got us surrounded.
It's hopeless.
Maybe I should just give them the Big Bang Bean.
No wait, I just had a stroke of genius.
Well, whatever it is, it won't work.
We left it on the Moon!
They won't fall for that.
Well, they fell for that.
Boy, plants really are stupid.
I guess that takes care of the aliens.
Not quite.
Oh!
Oh, oh the violence!
I'm sorry, Stillwood,
but I've gotta kill those aliens myself.
Ow, okay.
Kirk?
Can you hear me?
I feel so, so woody.
Can you hear me, Kirk?
Connie?
Is that you?
Who else?
Well, you could be an alien.
The computer shows you're only 30 miles from the Moon.
Why are you going there?
I am gonna give them the Big Bang Bean.
Well, you don't have the Big Bang Bean.
Connie Oh, really?
Go check the secret hiding place.
Huh?
All right, I know the Big Bang Bean is in here somewhere.
Where is it?
Damn it!
Okay.
How did you know where it was?
You talk in your sleep.
What else did I say?
Oh, something about dipping me in honey
and strapping me into gravity boots.
Oh, I must've been delirious.
Look, if you damage the Big Bang Bean,
there'll be a huge explosion like a supernova.
It's okay.
I have to give my life away.
It's something I've always wanted to do.
Stop it!
Connie, please, stop it.
You can't do this to me.
Connie!
The Moon!
Oh no!
No.
No!
No, no.
The Moon is gone.
The Moon gone.
Gone.
Gone is the Moon.
That means Connie's gone.
Bob's gone.
Charlie's gone.
Gone!
Oh, everybody's gone.
No, no, no!
Wait a minute.
I'm still here.
I guess every cloud does have a silver lining.
Let's see.
The radiation from that blast
will reach lethal levels in four hours.
Just enough time for me to jump
a shuttle and go someplace else.
Maybe Uranus.
I've always wondered how it got that name.
Must've been a deranged proctologist.
Yes.
Hm.
Okay.
Yeah, uh huh.
All right.
Whoa.
Cheryl?
What are you doing here?
My name is Anne, Anne Droid.
I was designed in the image of your wife.
Somebody must really hate me.
You are my purpose.
- My reason to exist. - Oh.
I was programmed to function like
a normal human female to provide
for your satisfaction and to quench every carnal desire.
I didn't wanna be with the real one.
Why would I engage in coitus with an imitation?
I am to be the mother of the next human race.
This body is yours.
Let me be your mate for all eternity.
Oo.
Uranus, here I come!
Oh, I can't stand this.
What time is it?
We leave in two minutes.
Huh?
What's your problem?
Stillwood's heartbeat just jumped off the scale.
Kirk, are you doing what I think you're doing?
Of course, it was a premonition.
I've seen the future.
I know what will happen, but now I can change it.
Have you lost your mind?
Connie, contact Amber Earhardt.
Tell her to find Bushe and inject him
with a lethal dose of Dick Weed Killer.
Dick Weed Killer?
Don't argue with me.
It's the only thing that will stop him.
Are you sure you're all right?
Bob, for the first time in my life, I know what I'm doing.
I'm ready for them this time.
It's time to flower my little kumquat.
Bloom.
Oh, Auntie Petunia, it's you.
How long was I hibernating?
Oh, it's been nearly three harvests now.
Are you strong enough to sprout?
I suppose so.
What a horrible dream I had.
Oh, that feels good.
Can I have another?
Of course, dear.
Oh, Auntie Petunia, you sure know how to till the soil.
I certainly should,
after all the fields I've plowed.
And who are you?
Like, I'm Nurse Uri.
I'm gonna need a stool sample.
Wait a minute.
You gave us all quite a scare.
For awhile there, we thought
you were going to leave us.
Oh, but I did leave.
Aunt Petunia, I leave to Mars
and went to Earth and you and you and you were there, too.
The people there weren't very nice,
especially this little limp idiot.
Hm!
He even tried to pump me full of Dick Weed Killer.
Oh my dear.
You have such an imagination.
Oh, Dodo, we're home,
and I'm never going to leave again because I love you all.
Oh, Auntie Petunia?
Yes, dear?
There's no place like home.
Holy horse dump,
what a massive bender that was.
My head's pounding so hard, it's turning blue.
What the hell was this cheap ass shit?
Oh, this damn Cranya again.
Serves me right for drinking anything
with a flying skull on it.
What a nightmare.
I was surrounded by plants and a puppet,
a hamster and a chicken
and the stupidest people in the universe.
I told 'em to shut their holes but they wouldn't listen.
What's so funny?
I've been laughin' since
you passed out, fool.
Oh, just shut your hole.
Yo,
over here not over here.
Yo, sit down, all right?
You thought it was over.
Well, forget about it.
This damn thing is never gonna end, you understand that?
You're in purgatory.
That's why they call me The Gardener of Frickin' Forever.
Watch what happens when they enter
this hot mess in an award show.
Welcome, to the Gilded Horn Awards.
What, Mommy?
Stop it.
♪ After today, I'll be incredible ♪
♪ After today, I'll be unbelievable ♪
♪ After today, no one's gonna push me around ♪
♪ No one's gonna bring me down after today ♪
♪ After today ♪
This year's Gilded Horn Award for best original song,
goes to Miss Emily Stanton.
I would like to thank the Academy.
You love me, you really love me!
The Gilded Horn Awards have celebrated artistic merit
in the motion picture industry for the past 2,000 years.
Coveted by filmmakers around the world,
there's little doubt that everyone wants
to get their hands on a Horny.
Congratulations to all the Horny winners here tonight,
and to the Horny losers, better luck next time.
And now to introduce the final award of the evening.
It is my privilege to introduce to sci-fi legends.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
the lovely Marina Sirtis and Robert Picardo.
The nominees for Best Picture are,
"Back with the Wind,"
the heart wrenching story
of a submarine crew battling suffocating flatulence.
"The Sodfather,"
the saga of a poor gardener turning his day job
into a dirty family business.
"Westside Story,"
a tale of millions of Angeleno's searching
in vain for that dream, a parking space.
"Forrest Dump,"
the tragic tale of a young man forced
to relieve himself in the wilderness.
And finally, "The Sound of Muzak."
A young nun descends into madness after being von Trapp-ed
in an elevator for 98 harrowing hours.
And the award goes to,
unbelievable!
Oh, thank you, thank you!
Thank you very much.
I'd like to thank the Academy
for this overdue recognition of my immense talent.
Oh yes, of course, my fellow thespians
come join me up here on stage.
Come on guys!
Make room.
Get those nasty aliens up here, too.
I'd like to thank all the captains before me,
Captain Ahab, Kangaroo, Morgan,
Stubing, Picard, Phillips and Tennille!
It all all began for me back on a summer's day
when my parents were feeling frisky.
- Oh, hello. - Excuse me.
Yes?
That award isn't for you.
Well, of course it is.
We're the cast and crew of "Unbelievable!!!!!"
Excuse me, excuse me, I'm really sorry,
but I was just surprised at the picture
which had one and just kind of blurted out unbelievable.
I'm really sorry if there's been any confusion.
- So, who won? - I'm not sorry.
It wasn't confusing to me.
- So... - Me either.
So, I'm afraid, would you all go back to your seats?
- I'm afraid you all have - Whoa!
- to go back to your seats. - Run for it, guys.
Run for it!
What?
Must leave building!
♪ Today ♪
♪ No one's gonna push me around after today ♪
♪ No one's gonna bring me down ♪
I do my own stunts but why?
Warp speed!
Hang in there, guy.
We're almost there.
You're lookin' good.
Don't quit on us, fella.
The ER's right around the corner.
Stay strong.
Have faith.
Try to ignore the Angel of Death surrounding you.
Don't worry, pal.
I'm sure someone can sew the head back on for ya.
Oh God, I can't take it.
What the hell is goin' on here?
Is that the victim?
I need to get his statement.
Get lost, gumshoe.
Nobody blows off Detective Dan Marr.
You know something.
Now cough it up.
Oh, won't talk, huh?
I know how to get a confession out of a punk like you,
and go get your partner.
This is a triage area.
You'll have to leave.
Do I need to take everybody downtown
and beat 'em with a rubber hose?
I still have to get his statement.
Take it outside.
Pulse zero.
Blood pressure, 0/0.
We're losing him.
Get the neurosurgeon, stat.
Stat!
I'm a doctor, damn it, not a messenger boy.
Let's use the paddles.
Clear!
Do it like this.
No, like this.
Oh, forgive me my young lieutenants
but I have failed once again.
Oh, Grandmaster,
I know I'm destined for some great thing,
but what I do not know.
If only I can be assured that I was
on my true and spiritual path.
If only I can be given a sign.
Just a small sign.
Nothing too dramatic.
Whoa!
Oh!
Faint signs of life.
He still has a snowball's chance in hell.
Doctor, patient's not breathing.
His temperature is 80 degrees below normal.
His body's devoid of blood, flesh and bone.
I say we call it.
It's margarita time.
Is there any chance to save him, Dr. Soon?
I suppose it's possible.
I could transform him into an artificial life form.
But doctor, what if you're wrong?
It's a chance you'll have to take.
Let's have a closer inspection.
Unbelievable!
Hey, yeah.
Well, we're having the premier at the Coliseum.
Yeah, the LA Coliseum, can you believe that?
We're expecting 100,000 or more.
That's right.
No, no.
You can't have tickets.
Try a scalper.
TMZ, how about BFD?
Get in line, Harvey.
Kirk is doing "Conan" and "The View."
He's got no time for your sorry syndicated ass.
Get us saturation coverage
on each network's prime time slate.
Yeah.
I don't care what it costs.
The studio's covering P&A.
No, you're only getting distribution rights
for North America, that's it.
We're debuting wide on 7,000 screens.
Well, Europe, Asia and South America are already gone.
Well, we do have Fiji, the Seychelles and Tasmania
if you'd like those.
Yeah.
Who's this?
Gee, we were just talkin' about you guys,
over the past few decades.
You wanna do a deal?
Yeah.
Put the chairman on.
I'll hold.
So, Brad, you're runnin' things over there now, huh?
Well, call us back in 40 years.
We'll do lunch.
I just sold our merchandising
and licensing rights for 800 large.
We're back on top boys and girls.
- Yes! - Yeah.
I understand.
- Hold on a second. - Yeah!
- Knock it off, guys. - What?
- It's CAA. - Oh.
Oh my God.
You want Kirk for the lead in the next Spielberg film?
Well, I think I can speak for him when I say he's in.
Thanks a lot.
Thanks a lot yourself.
Don't worry.
You're perfect for the role.
It's a live action remake of "Pinocchio."
Now you've got a chance for what you've always wanted.
No, you mean that...
Yes, Kirk, yes!
You're gonna become a real little actor.
Yes.
Silence!
♪ Oh ♪
Where is God damn wallet?
I can't see.
I can't find it.
- Oo, would you - Get out of the way!
- two just move! - Out!
Oh, says here, here!
♪ Oh ♪
Tell me his name.
What's his name?
His name's Bernie Ficus.
What the fuck is his name?
♪ Oh ♪
I'm reporting you.
Incompetent!
Ah, I'm infected!
Where was the wallet?
As you can see, you have much to learn.
Oh, thank you, Sensei.
I will try harder.
Do!
- There is no try. - Yes, Sensei.
Hey, look who's here.
Hi, honey.
- Boom, boom. - Up!
Do it from the door opening.
Close the door.
Here we go.
Set.
It's Kirk and Connie and Bob and Charlie.
I'm sorry, do that again.
Do that again.
Charlie!
Not just Charlie, do all four would ya?
Jesus Christ, what are ya, a puppet?
Here we go, here we go.
Any friend of Connie's is a friend of mine.
Strange.
All right, let's go.
Whoa, I'm floating.
Oh, Lord.
So, what do you say?
No, no, we're good.
- We like it here. - Yeah.
Oh, right.
Okay.
Oh, I seem to have self destructed.
I've fallen and I can't get up.
I'm lost in thought.
I'm paralyzed in thought right now.
Oh, shit.
That doesn't sound good.
There we go.
- Oh, Spock! - That's good,
- everything's all right. - To the bridge.
Let's see if we can stand.
Oh, wow!
I seem to have lost my...
I can't...
Disoriented.
Can't find equilibrium.
Whoa!
Oh maybe I'll just lay here for a little bit.
- Just rest. - Cut!
That's the cut.
- 17. - Mark.
- Taking it in. - What I was trying
to do the last time but it went so fast.
- Oh, yeah, yeah. - Settle.
Can you put his hand in or somethin'
so I get a start focus mark?
Start focus mark.
Here you are.
Thank you.
I think I got it.
You're welcome.
Set.
Action!
Oh!
Emergency!
Cut!
Oh God, I forgot the KY!
I'm waiting.
Oh, someone just climbed the fence.
That must be them.
No, they're going the other way now.
I'm confused.
Where the hell are they?
Wait, are they in Burbank?
That looks like Burbank.
Cut!
Action!
Hey, everybody, I just sold our merchandising
and licensing rights for 800 large.
On the open end, on the front end,
and 50% gross on the long term.
Damn if I don't still have it.
Everybody, we're back on top, boys and girls.
- Oh yeah! - Hey, wait to go!
Boy, I, I never been so shitty in my life.
♪ I'm the girl in the back of the bus sitting quietly ♪
♪ Afraid to mess things up entirely ♪
♪ But I'm tired of hiding who I am from everyone else ♪
♪ I'll just hold my head up high ♪
♪ And lift my eyes up to the sky ♪
♪ After today I'll be incredible ♪
♪ After today I'll be unbelievable ♪
♪ After today no one's gonna push me around ♪
♪ No one's gonna bring me down ♪
♪ After today ♪
♪ Does it make you feel better about yourself ♪
♪ When you tear me down ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm rising up ♪
♪ And standing on my own ♪
♪ I'm becoming stronger ♪
♪ You'll see that I've grown ♪
♪ After today I'll be incredible ♪
♪ After today I'll be unbelievable ♪
♪ After today no one's gonna push me around ♪
♪ No one's gonna bring me down ♪
♪ After today ♪
♪ After today I'll be incredible ♪
♪ After today I'll be unbelievable ♪
♪ After today no one's gonna push me around ♪
♪ No one's gonna bring me down ♪
♪ After today ♪
What's goin' on here?
Yo, man, I don't know.
That's why I called you.
All these people are here.
What the hell is goin' on?
- Excuse me, who are you? - I'm Sam Asghari.
It's his house.
This is a closed set.
You're gonna have to leave.
What do you mean we have to leave?
You have to leave.
This is my home jerk-off, get outta here.
Get out, guys.
Get out.
Man, where's the production?
In the back in the garage.
Okay.
Get out, leave.
Yeah, I told you, man.
Sam Asghari, the fitness king,
- Oh yeah. - can I take a selfie?
Sure thing, sure thing, of course.
Yay.
Thank you.
- Yeah, one more. - Okay.
I wanna bear your child.
Get lost before I call the cops.
- I love you! - Leave you guys,
get outta here.
It's more like ridiculous.
Get, get out guys.
Get out.
Isolate, isolate!
Social distancing, asshole!
We're sheltering in place with coronavirus!