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1
00:00:03,737 --> 00:00:05,080
Yeah.

2
00:00:08,675 --> 00:00:10,211
Yeah.

3
00:00:10,276 --> 00:00:11,448
Yeah.

4
00:00:15,348 --> 00:00:17,294
Yeah, gonna talk about
a lot of stuff.

5
00:00:23,056 --> 00:00:25,400
My parents are gonna see it.

6
00:00:25,458 --> 00:00:27,131
They're the ones
in the other car.

7
00:00:30,964 --> 00:00:32,602
My mom hasn't.

8
00:00:38,238 --> 00:00:39,512
Yeah.

9
00:00:46,179 --> 00:00:49,353
I want her to see what I do,
you know?

10
00:00:59,759 --> 00:01:01,102
Yeah...

11
00:01:01,161 --> 00:01:03,641
but you know,
if you gotta do that...

12
00:01:03,696 --> 00:01:05,403
You know, you can't live
in fear.

13
00:01:08,501 --> 00:01:10,674
You see I'm trying
to make a turn, right?

14
00:01:10,737 --> 00:01:12,683
It doesn't matter.

15
00:01:12,739 --> 00:01:14,047
But you see I'm making a turn.

16
00:01:14,107 --> 00:01:16,178
You gotta pull all the way up
and fucking bother me.

17
00:01:16,242 --> 00:01:18,916
You could have
just stopped back there.

18
00:01:18,978 --> 00:01:20,355
<i>This asshole's awesome.</i>

19
00:01:20,413 --> 00:01:22,051
He sees I'm making a left,

20
00:01:22,115 --> 00:01:23,685
so he's gonna pull up to make it
hard for me.

21
00:01:25,618 --> 00:01:27,620
New York is the best.

22
00:01:27,687 --> 00:01:29,792
( Cheers and applause )

23
00:01:44,938 --> 00:01:46,417
Hey, guys.

24
00:01:49,576 --> 00:01:51,522
So cool.

25
00:01:51,578 --> 00:01:53,956
Thank you guys so much for
coming, this is awesome.

26
00:01:54,013 --> 00:01:55,822
This is so great.

27
00:01:55,882 --> 00:01:59,295
How many of you guys know me
from my show, "Community"?

28
00:01:59,352 --> 00:02:01,229
( Cheers and applause )

29
00:02:01,287 --> 00:02:03,062
Great.

30
00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:04,329
Just want to let you guys know,

31
00:02:04,390 --> 00:02:07,064
this is gonna be nothing
like that.

32
00:02:07,127 --> 00:02:08,834
This is gonna be a lot grosser.

33
00:02:08,895 --> 00:02:10,169
I feel bad...

34
00:02:10,230 --> 00:02:11,971
I feel bad for a lot of people
who come to the show,

35
00:02:12,031 --> 00:02:13,533
like, people bring their
kids and stuff like that.

36
00:02:13,600 --> 00:02:15,307
Like, "Oh, he's gonna do Troy
and Abed!"

37
00:02:15,368 --> 00:02:16,472
And I'm just like,

38
00:02:16,536 --> 00:02:18,516
"Dicks, dicks, dicks, dicks,
dicks, dicks!"

39
00:02:18,571 --> 00:02:20,551
And they're» "Let's go!"

40
00:02:20,607 --> 00:02:21,813
I mean, 'cause I did...

41
00:02:21,875 --> 00:02:24,617
I can be gross sometimes
and I know it's bad.

42
00:02:24,677 --> 00:02:27,453
I mean, 'cause I did a half-hour
special for Comedy Central,

43
00:02:27,514 --> 00:02:29,551
and the way I got
that half-hour special

44
00:02:29,616 --> 00:02:31,289
was I did an hour in New York.

45
00:02:31,351 --> 00:02:33,592
I did an hour on my own
and Comedy Central was there,

46
00:02:33,653 --> 00:02:35,189
and they were like, "We really
liked your hour."

47
00:02:35,255 --> 00:02:36,962
I was like, "Oh, thank you,
man, that was really great."

48
00:02:37,023 --> 00:02:38,627
They were like, "We would love
to give you a half-hour."

49
00:02:38,691 --> 00:02:40,193
I was like, "Great,
I would love to do a half-hour."

50
00:02:40,260 --> 00:02:42,297
They're like, "Great, but don't
do any of the shit

51
00:02:42,362 --> 00:02:44,808
"you did in that hour.

52
00:02:44,864 --> 00:02:47,606
It was disgusting, don't do it."

53
00:02:47,667 --> 00:02:49,237
Did you guys hear
about that Spider-Man thing

54
00:02:49,302 --> 00:02:50,542
that happened with me?

55
00:02:50,603 --> 00:02:52,583
( Cheers and applause )

56
00:02:54,274 --> 00:02:57,050
Okay, for those of you
who have a life,

57
00:02:57,110 --> 00:02:59,852
basically what
happened was there was...

58
00:02:59,913 --> 00:03:02,587
They were talking about
on this geek blog,

59
00:03:02,649 --> 00:03:05,129
about making
Spider-Man, you know,

60
00:03:05,185 --> 00:03:06,789
they're redoing it.

61
00:03:06,853 --> 00:03:09,527
So they said that maybe
this new Spider-Man,

62
00:03:09,589 --> 00:03:12,263
since they're making
it so quickly

63
00:03:12,325 --> 00:03:13,929
after making
these other Spider-Mans,

64
00:03:13,993 --> 00:03:15,472
maybe they should
make it real different,

65
00:03:15,528 --> 00:03:16,871
you know, make it kind of,
like, dark and edgy

66
00:03:16,930 --> 00:03:18,204
like "The Dark Knight,"

67
00:03:18,264 --> 00:03:20,005
and put it in modern-day times
and stuff, and maybe...

68
00:03:20,066 --> 00:03:22,103
You know, Spider-Man maybe
doesn't have to be white,

69
00:03:22,168 --> 00:03:24,011
maybe he can be black or
Hispanic or something like that,

70
00:03:24,070 --> 00:03:25,947
and then somebody put a big
picture of me in the comments

71
00:03:26,005 --> 00:03:27,712
and was like, "Donald Glover
can play Spider-Man,

72
00:03:27,774 --> 00:03:30,380
he's nerdy!"

73
00:03:30,443 --> 00:03:31,547
And I was like, okay.

74
00:03:31,611 --> 00:03:33,113
And somebody sent that to me
so I was like,

75
00:03:33,179 --> 00:03:34,317
"Oh yeah, I'll put that up."

76
00:03:34,380 --> 00:03:35,620
So I put it up on my Twitter
and I was like,

77
00:03:35,682 --> 00:03:37,025
Oh, Donald for
Spider-Man, let's do this.

78
00:03:37,083 --> 00:03:38,426
You know, kind of a joke,
but also, like,

79
00:03:38,484 --> 00:03:40,430
who doesn't want to be
Spider-Man... That'd be cool.

80
00:03:40,486 --> 00:03:44,866
And that's when the world
went crazy.

81
00:03:44,924 --> 00:03:47,666
And half the world was like,
"Donald for Spider-Man!

82
00:03:47,727 --> 00:03:49,263
"We're only gonna
watch the next Spider-Man

83
00:03:49,329 --> 00:03:50,899
if Donald Glover's playing
Peter Parker!"

84
00:03:50,964 --> 00:03:53,137
And the other half was like,
"He's black, kill him!"

85
00:03:53,199 --> 00:03:55,076
Like, it was so fast.

86
00:03:55,134 --> 00:03:58,377
<i>It was so fast.</i>

87
00:03:58,438 --> 00:04:01,419
It was insane, like, you
were either very hot or cold

88
00:04:01,474 --> 00:04:02,782
on the subject, and I didn't...

89
00:04:02,842 --> 00:04:04,583
I didn't say anything,
I didn't do anything

90
00:04:04,644 --> 00:04:06,021
during that whole time,

91
00:04:06,079 --> 00:04:07,888
I just laid low, but I did read
one comment that was like,

92
00:04:07,947 --> 00:04:09,153
"Oh, we're gonna make
Spider-Man black now?

93
00:04:09,215 --> 00:04:10,592
"We're just gonna
make Spider-Man black now?

94
00:04:10,650 --> 00:04:11,651
"That's what we're gonna do,

95
00:04:11,718 --> 00:04:13,095
"we're just gonna make
Spider-Man black?

96
00:04:13,152 --> 00:04:14,187
"That's what we're gonna do,

97
00:04:14,254 --> 00:04:15,460
"we're gonna make Spider-Man
black now?

98
00:04:15,521 --> 00:04:16,761
"Gonna make Spider-Man black?

99
00:04:16,823 --> 00:04:19,269
Well, why don't we just have
Michael Cera play Shaft?"

100
00:04:26,399 --> 00:04:30,108
And I didn't respond to
any of the stuff I saw online,

101
00:04:30,169 --> 00:04:32,649
except for that one.

102
00:04:32,705 --> 00:04:38,383
I wrote back,
"Uh, dot, dot, dot, yes!"

103
00:04:38,444 --> 00:04:41,391
That would be fucking amazing!

104
00:04:41,447 --> 00:04:42,983
Fucking Michael Cera
playing Shaft.

105
00:04:43,049 --> 00:04:45,427
I'd watch that movie every day...
I'd go broke.

106
00:04:45,485 --> 00:04:47,487
I'd go broke, just like, yes,
one more for "Shaft," please.

107
00:04:47,553 --> 00:04:49,157
Like, I'd be there every day.

108
00:04:49,222 --> 00:04:50,565
I mean, like, wouldn't that
be awesome,

109
00:04:50,623 --> 00:04:51,931
to be watching the movie,

110
00:04:51,991 --> 00:04:53,902
just be like, "Hey, Shaft,
what's going on, baby?"

111
00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:57,464
"Oh, nothing.

112
00:04:57,530 --> 00:04:59,066
Let's find some hoes."

113
00:04:59,132 --> 00:05:00,805
Like, that'd be so awesome!

114
00:05:01,501 --> 00:05:02,912
I'd watch that all the time.

115
00:05:02,969 --> 00:05:04,744
The thing that bothered me
the most about that,

116
00:05:04,804 --> 00:05:06,477
the thing that really
got under my skin,

117
00:05:06,539 --> 00:05:08,109
was that people kept
bringing up Shaft.

118
00:05:08,174 --> 00:05:10,279
Like I care about Shaft.

119
00:05:10,343 --> 00:05:13,085
Like I must care...
He's black, he must love Shaft.

120
00:05:13,146 --> 00:05:14,750
Like I give a fuck about Shaft.

121
00:05:14,814 --> 00:05:16,350
Like, I'm like, oh no,
don't take our Shaft!

122
00:05:16,416 --> 00:05:18,362
Like, I don't care,
I don't care about Shaft.

123
00:05:18,418 --> 00:05:19,624
Like, it's just like...

124
00:05:19,686 --> 00:05:21,029
Like Shaft was the black
Spider-Man

125
00:05:21,087 --> 00:05:22,691
or something like that.

126
00:05:22,755 --> 00:05:24,098
It's just like,
oh yeah, white people,

127
00:05:24,157 --> 00:05:25,932
you guys get this dude who
swings from building to building

128
00:05:25,992 --> 00:05:27,437
and saves people,

129
00:05:27,493 --> 00:05:30,599
and black people, you get this
dude who slaps women sometimes.

130
00:05:30,663 --> 00:05:31,698
Enjoy!

131
00:05:31,764 --> 00:05:33,744
Like, what?

132
00:05:33,800 --> 00:05:34,870
No, that's not okay.

133
00:05:34,934 --> 00:05:37,380
He's not even a superhero.

134
00:05:37,437 --> 00:05:39,678
He's just a black guy.

135
00:05:39,739 --> 00:05:41,150
He's just a black dude.

136
00:05:41,207 --> 00:05:42,584
You couldn't...
He's not a superhero.

137
00:05:42,642 --> 00:05:45,145
You couldn't have no Shaft ride
at Universal Studios.

138
00:05:45,211 --> 00:05:46,315
You couldn't have, like...

139
00:05:46,379 --> 00:05:47,983
Yeah, what we do is,
we put you in the car

140
00:05:48,047 --> 00:05:50,152
and then we set up like,
five women mannequins,

141
00:05:50,216 --> 00:05:52,822
and then you hold your hand out
and you just slap 'em all.

142
00:05:52,885 --> 00:05:55,923
Just slap 'em all.

143
00:05:55,988 --> 00:05:58,559
$5, please.

144
00:05:58,624 --> 00:06:00,467
That's ridiculous.

145
00:06:00,526 --> 00:06:01,630
That really bothered me.

146
00:06:01,694 --> 00:06:03,071
Like, no one... Like, Shaft...

147
00:06:03,129 --> 00:06:04,506
I don't give a fuck about Shaft.

148
00:06:04,564 --> 00:06:05,770
I don't care about Shaft.

149
00:06:05,832 --> 00:06:07,243
The fact that they
kept assuming that...

150
00:06:07,300 --> 00:06:08,643
Like I woke up every morning,

151
00:06:08,701 --> 00:06:10,681
like, in my Shaft pajamas,
jumped out of bed,

152
00:06:10,737 --> 00:06:13,149
ran down the stairs,
drank a cup of Shaft juice,

153
00:06:13,206 --> 00:06:14,981
turned on the Shaft television...

154
00:06:15,041 --> 00:06:17,043
I just realized "Shaft juice"
sounds like semen.

155
00:06:24,317 --> 00:06:27,025
Don't wanna drink that.

156
00:06:27,086 --> 00:06:28,156
That'd be gross.

157
00:06:30,423 --> 00:06:32,027
I just like...

158
00:06:32,091 --> 00:06:33,695
I was just doing some stuff
with, like, music,

159
00:06:33,760 --> 00:06:36,240
and I just put out
that EP, and I was like...

160
00:06:36,295 --> 00:06:37,603
( Cheers and applause )

161
00:06:37,663 --> 00:06:39,142
Thank you.

162
00:06:42,101 --> 00:06:45,014
And I was listening to it
in my car, I picked up...

163
00:06:45,071 --> 00:06:47,108
Like, it was in the
mixing, and I was like,

164
00:06:47,173 --> 00:06:49,175
oh, I want to see how it sounds
in the car

165
00:06:49,242 --> 00:06:51,153
and I picked up
a friend of mine, she got in.

166
00:06:51,210 --> 00:06:53,121
And she was like, "Is this you?"

167
00:06:53,179 --> 00:06:55,921
And I was like, "Yeah."

168
00:06:55,982 --> 00:06:57,655
And she goes,

169
00:06:57,717 --> 00:07:01,494
"You listen to your own music?"

170
00:07:01,554 --> 00:07:04,558
I was like, "Yeah, yeah,
I listen to my own music."

171
00:07:04,624 --> 00:07:06,831
Like, being a...
being an entertainer...

172
00:07:06,893 --> 00:07:08,804
Being an entertainer
is the only job

173
00:07:08,861 --> 00:07:10,135
where you can
enjoy your own stuff.

174
00:07:10,196 --> 00:07:11,470
Did you know that?

175
00:07:11,531 --> 00:07:12,942
It's the only job where you can
enjoy your own shit.

176
00:07:12,999 --> 00:07:15,104
Like, if I made
sandwiches for a living,

177
00:07:15,168 --> 00:07:16,841
like, if I made sandwiches
for a living,

178
00:07:16,903 --> 00:07:18,314
like if I worked
at Subway or something,

179
00:07:18,371 --> 00:07:19,577
I make sandwiches for a living,

180
00:07:19,639 --> 00:07:21,550
and then I go home and I make
myself a sandwich,

181
00:07:21,607 --> 00:07:23,109
nobody in here is gonna be like,

182
00:07:23,176 --> 00:07:24,382
getting a little conceited,
aren't we?

183
00:07:24,444 --> 00:07:26,856
Like, no one cares,
no one cares.

184
00:07:26,913 --> 00:07:29,792
It's also the only job
where you have to keep proving

185
00:07:29,849 --> 00:07:31,021
you can do it.

186
00:07:31,083 --> 00:07:32,426
Like, you can...
You have to keep like...

187
00:07:32,485 --> 00:07:34,522
Like, if you work at Staples,
you don't have to be like,

188
00:07:34,587 --> 00:07:36,533
"Oh yeah, I know how to
move paper from here to here."

189
00:07:36,589 --> 00:07:38,728
Like, you don't have to do that
every time you go in.

190
00:07:38,791 --> 00:07:40,600
As an actor, I have
to prove I know how to act

191
00:07:40,660 --> 00:07:42,071
every time I have to audition

192
00:07:42,128 --> 00:07:44,005
and prove I know how to act like
I'm just gonna forget

193
00:07:44,063 --> 00:07:45,440
how to act one day.

194
00:07:45,498 --> 00:07:46,738
Like, I just won't know.

195
00:07:46,799 --> 00:07:48,369
Like, I'll come back from summer
break, go to "Community,"

196
00:07:48,434 --> 00:07:50,141
and they're gonna
be like, "Okay, and action!"

197
00:07:50,203 --> 00:07:51,705
And I'll just be like...

198
00:07:54,740 --> 00:07:56,185
"What are you doing?"

199
00:07:56,242 --> 00:07:58,085
"I don't know! Is this acting?

200
00:07:58,144 --> 00:07:59,487
Help, help!"

201
00:08:07,286 --> 00:08:08,492
It's ridiculous.

202
00:08:11,624 --> 00:08:13,262
But like,
I was talking about music.

203
00:08:13,326 --> 00:08:15,932
I like music a ton, but the
problem is, is like,

204
00:08:15,995 --> 00:08:18,236
I like weird stuff.

205
00:08:18,297 --> 00:08:21,369
I like weird, crazy music,
like, weird people making music,

206
00:08:21,434 --> 00:08:24,176
and we really don't have that
anymore.

207
00:08:24,237 --> 00:08:25,944
Like, you know, we got
Lady Gaga and stuff like that,

208
00:08:26,005 --> 00:08:27,951
but that's... I don't think
that's really weird.

209
00:08:28,007 --> 00:08:29,953
I feel like that's
planned, like, I don't...

210
00:08:30,009 --> 00:08:31,750
We need weird stuff.

211
00:08:31,811 --> 00:08:35,281
But as an adult,
we're not really allowed

212
00:08:35,348 --> 00:08:36,725
to be weird anymore.

213
00:08:36,782 --> 00:08:39,285
Like, the older you get, the
less you can take weird stuff.

214
00:08:39,352 --> 00:08:40,422
That's the truth.

215
00:08:40,486 --> 00:08:42,523
Like, you can't take
weird stuff anymore.

216
00:08:42,588 --> 00:08:43,896
Like, as a kid,

217
00:08:43,956 --> 00:08:48,336
the idea of Santa Claus is
really weird and fucked up.

218
00:08:48,394 --> 00:08:50,499
It really is, but you're...
Like for some...

219
00:08:50,563 --> 00:08:51,906
Just like, "Hey,
there's this fat guy

220
00:08:51,964 --> 00:08:53,910
"that comes in your house,
eats all your food,

221
00:08:53,966 --> 00:08:55,536
"and he leaves little gifts
for you and while your parents

222
00:08:55,601 --> 00:08:56,978
are sleeping,
he runs up the chimney."

223
00:08:57,036 --> 00:08:58,276
You're like, "He gives me
gifts... cool."

224
00:08:58,337 --> 00:08:59,839
You're just fine with it.

225
00:08:59,906 --> 00:09:01,715
You're fine with that guy being
in your house.

226
00:09:04,110 --> 00:09:05,714
As an adult, somebody's like,

227
00:09:05,778 --> 00:09:07,621
"Hey man, 'Glee' comes on at
9:00 instead of 8:00 tonight."

228
00:09:07,680 --> 00:09:09,626
You're like, "Fuck you, really?

229
00:09:09,682 --> 00:09:11,320
"Why'd they change it?

230
00:09:11,384 --> 00:09:14,092
Why'd they change it?"

231
00:09:14,153 --> 00:09:16,724
Can't take any change
whatsoever.

232
00:09:16,789 --> 00:09:19,770
But that's basically what it is,
is like, you know, I'm 27,

233
00:09:19,825 --> 00:09:21,361
like, I'm about to
become who I'm gonna be

234
00:09:21,427 --> 00:09:22,667
for the rest of my life.

235
00:09:22,728 --> 00:09:24,366
Like, basically, once you hit
around your 30s,

236
00:09:24,430 --> 00:09:25,773
that's who you're gonna be

237
00:09:25,831 --> 00:09:27,333
for the rest of your life
pretty much.

238
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:29,107
Like, if you're conservative
and you're around your 30s,

239
00:09:29,168 --> 00:09:30,476
you're probably gonna be
conservative

240
00:09:30,536 --> 00:09:31,879
for the rest of your life.

241
00:09:31,938 --> 00:09:33,940
If you're like, liberal,
and you're like, in your 30s,

242
00:09:34,006 --> 00:09:36,486
you're probably gonna be liberal
for the rest of your life.

243
00:09:36,542 --> 00:09:39,022
You know, if you're a girl
and you don't give blowjobs,

244
00:09:39,078 --> 00:09:40,751
curl up to your nine cats
and your "Twilight" DVDs,

245
00:09:40,813 --> 00:09:42,292
'cause you're gonna die alone.

246
00:09:42,348 --> 00:09:43,452
You're gonna die alone.

247
00:09:47,620 --> 00:09:49,998
Sorry.

248
00:09:50,056 --> 00:09:52,058
I love that joke because guys
are always like,

249
00:09:52,124 --> 00:09:53,865
"Well put, Mr. Glover."

250
00:10:02,802 --> 00:10:04,509
But it's true,
like you can't take any...

251
00:10:04,570 --> 00:10:06,811
Like, as you get older, you
can't take any weird stuff,

252
00:10:06,872 --> 00:10:08,249
that's just the truth.

253
00:10:08,307 --> 00:10:09,650
Like I know...

254
00:10:09,709 --> 00:10:11,780
That Lady Gaga! Kanye West tour.

255
00:10:11,844 --> 00:10:13,482
I was super stoked about that.

256
00:10:13,546 --> 00:10:16,288
That was gonna be so awesome and
weird, it's gonna be so crazy.

257
00:10:16,349 --> 00:10:17,953
I was having dreams about it,

258
00:10:18,017 --> 00:10:19,428
that's how much I was excited
about it.

259
00:10:19,485 --> 00:10:20,930
I was having dreams about it.

260
00:10:20,987 --> 00:10:22,830
I was like, there's gonna be,
like, two big pillars on stage,

261
00:10:22,888 --> 00:10:24,629
like, one big pillar here, like,
Lady Gaga's there

262
00:10:24,690 --> 00:10:26,226
and her hair's,
like, blowing in the wind

263
00:10:26,292 --> 00:10:28,898
and she's playing the bass,
like this, going...

264
00:10:28,961 --> 00:10:30,770
like a huge bass,
but the bass isn't a bass,

265
00:10:30,830 --> 00:10:34,073
it's just a huge tampon,
she's playing a huge...

266
00:10:34,133 --> 00:10:35,874
She's just plucking at
a huge tampon.

267
00:10:35,935 --> 00:10:38,882
And at the end of it
is Tony Danza's face.

268
00:10:38,938 --> 00:10:41,578
He's just like...

269
00:10:41,641 --> 00:10:43,416
He's just going, like,
crazy on there.

270
00:10:43,476 --> 00:10:44,784
And then, like,
there's another one,

271
00:10:44,844 --> 00:10:46,289
there's like, another
huge pillar,

272
00:10:46,345 --> 00:10:48,154
and then, like, Kanye West
is on it, he's playing a piano,

273
00:10:48,214 --> 00:10:50,194
but the piano's not a piano,

274
00:10:50,249 --> 00:10:52,195
it's just a bear,
it's a live bear.

275
00:10:52,251 --> 00:10:53,696
For some reason, he's playing...

276
00:10:53,753 --> 00:10:55,130
And the bear's not eating Kanye

277
00:10:55,187 --> 00:10:57,167
'cause he has so much respect
for him,

278
00:10:57,223 --> 00:10:58,395
he's just, like, looking at him.

279
00:10:58,457 --> 00:10:59,800
He's just like, "Oh, I want
to eat you,

280
00:10:59,859 --> 00:11:01,600
"but you made 'Graduation!

281
00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:03,004
You motherfucker!"

282
00:11:03,062 --> 00:11:04,200
He's like, mad.

283
00:11:04,263 --> 00:11:05,537
And then, like, in the audience,
there's like,

284
00:11:05,598 --> 00:11:07,134
a big, clear beach ball
that everybody's pushing

285
00:11:07,199 --> 00:11:08,405
and kicking around,

286
00:11:08,467 --> 00:11:09,810
and in the center of
the big clear beach ball's

287
00:11:09,869 --> 00:11:11,473
just this one lone baby,

288
00:11:11,537 --> 00:11:14,916
just like, one lone, naked baby,

289
00:11:14,974 --> 00:11:18,786
and he's not crying or anything,
he's just confused and shit.

290
00:11:18,844 --> 00:11:21,154
He's like, why did my parents
put me in here?

291
00:11:21,213 --> 00:11:23,853
I'm... I thought they loved me!

292
00:11:23,916 --> 00:11:26,192
And I was like,
yes, that's worth $50.

293
00:11:26,252 --> 00:11:28,129
I wanna see that.

294
00:11:28,187 --> 00:11:29,632
And they canceled it.

295
00:11:29,689 --> 00:11:30,895
They got rid of it.

296
00:11:30,956 --> 00:11:32,264
They were like, it's too weird,
it's gay,

297
00:11:32,324 --> 00:11:33,860
I don't get it, get rid of it.

298
00:11:44,637 --> 00:11:47,914
That hit home for someone.

299
00:11:47,973 --> 00:11:49,748
"It's funny 'cause it's true!"

300
00:11:59,251 --> 00:12:00,730
Well, they got rid of it.

301
00:12:00,786 --> 00:12:02,766
They canceled it,
and that's ridiculous.

302
00:12:02,822 --> 00:12:03,994
That's crazy.

303
00:12:04,056 --> 00:12:05,433
Only adults would do that.

304
00:12:05,491 --> 00:12:08,495
Like, as a kid, we watched the
weirdest stuff and nobody cared.

305
00:12:08,561 --> 00:12:09,631
Nobody...

306
00:12:09,695 --> 00:12:11,402
You guys remember
"Muppet Babies"?

307
00:12:11,464 --> 00:12:13,273
( Cheers and applause )

308
00:12:15,868 --> 00:12:19,714
Let me refresh your memory what
"Muppet Babies" is about.

309
00:12:19,772 --> 00:12:22,616
"Muppet Babies" is a show
about a lady

310
00:12:22,675 --> 00:12:25,212
with no face

311
00:12:25,277 --> 00:12:29,248
who takes care of a frog, a pig,
a dog that plays the piano,

312
00:12:29,315 --> 00:12:31,261
and an alien named Gonzo

313
00:12:31,317 --> 00:12:32,887
that fucks chickens.

314
00:12:36,655 --> 00:12:38,259
And adults were like, "Yeah,
watch it, I don't give a fuck.

315
00:12:38,324 --> 00:12:40,395
I got things to do, I gotta go."

316
00:12:40,459 --> 00:12:41,665
No one cared.

317
00:12:41,727 --> 00:12:43,502
You guys remember "Teenage
Mutant Ninja Turtles"?

318
00:12:43,562 --> 00:12:46,406
"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles"?

319
00:12:46,465 --> 00:12:48,138
"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles"
sounds like

320
00:12:48,200 --> 00:12:50,976
a homeless person's fever dream.

321
00:12:51,036 --> 00:12:54,017
If you... If you were walking
down the street

322
00:12:54,073 --> 00:12:55,848
and you saw a homeless
person and they were like,

323
00:12:55,908 --> 00:12:57,546
"They're all named after
Renaissance artists

324
00:12:57,610 --> 00:12:58,918
and their father's a big rat,"

325
00:12:58,978 --> 00:13:00,685
you'd be like, "Get the fuck
away from me, man!"

326
00:13:10,389 --> 00:13:13,336
<i>I'm</i> kind <i>of obsessed
with homeless people.</i>

327
00:13:13,392 --> 00:13:15,872
I really am.

328
00:13:15,928 --> 00:13:19,375
Because, I don't know, we have
a long history together.

329
00:13:19,431 --> 00:13:21,604
We do, we have
a long history together.

330
00:13:21,667 --> 00:13:23,010
Like, when I first moved here,

331
00:13:23,068 --> 00:13:24,547
when I first moved here
from Atlanta,

332
00:13:24,603 --> 00:13:26,480
like, the only thing
I knew how to do to make money

333
00:13:26,539 --> 00:13:28,109
was to babysit, 'cause my
parents, like,

334
00:13:28,174 --> 00:13:29,949
they ran a day care,
we had a lot of foster kids,

335
00:13:30,009 --> 00:13:31,920
so the only thing I really knew
how to do was take care of kids.

336
00:13:31,977 --> 00:13:33,888
So I had this job, I was
supposed to pick up this kid

337
00:13:33,946 --> 00:13:35,186
and I was running late

338
00:13:35,247 --> 00:13:36,954
and I was leaving a message
on the phone,

339
00:13:37,016 --> 00:13:38,495
and I was like,
you know, talking,

340
00:13:38,551 --> 00:13:40,929
and I wasn't really paying
attention to where I was going.

341
00:13:40,986 --> 00:13:42,829
And a homeless man...

342
00:13:42,888 --> 00:13:46,358
punched me in the face.

343
00:13:46,425 --> 00:13:48,598
And I think he was like,
schizophrenic or something,

344
00:13:48,661 --> 00:13:50,197
'cause he was like,
"Stop following me!"

345
00:13:50,262 --> 00:13:52,003
And I was just like...

346
00:13:52,064 --> 00:13:55,534
Just ran away.

347
00:13:55,601 --> 00:13:57,945
So anyway,
I go and pick up the kid,

348
00:13:58,003 --> 00:14:00,574
I pick him up, bring him
home, make him dinner.

349
00:14:00,639 --> 00:14:02,209
His mom comes home,
she's like, "Hey."

350
00:14:02,274 --> 00:14:04,584
She goes in the back room,
she comes back out and she goes,

351
00:14:04,643 --> 00:14:06,884
"Hey, are you okay?"

352
00:14:06,946 --> 00:14:09,790
And I'm like, "Yeah, I'm fine,
I kind of forgot..."

353
00:14:09,849 --> 00:14:11,453
She's like, "Are you sure?"

354
00:14:11,517 --> 00:14:13,690
And I'm like,
"Yeah, what's wrong?"

355
00:14:13,752 --> 00:14:16,733
And she plays me the voice
message I left.

356
00:14:22,328 --> 00:14:25,332
And I didn't keep it,
but I remember it very well,

357
00:14:25,397 --> 00:14:27,274
and it went a little something...
It went like this.

358
00:14:28,601 --> 00:14:29,841
Boop.

359
00:14:29,902 --> 00:14:32,906
"Hey, it's Donald, I just
wanted to let you know that

360
00:14:32,972 --> 00:14:35,145
"I'm running a little bit late
picking up Ben,

361
00:14:35,207 --> 00:14:36,686
but I just
wanted to let you know..."

362
00:14:36,742 --> 00:14:38,744
( screaming )

363
00:14:41,413 --> 00:14:43,723
"What'd you do?

364
00:14:43,782 --> 00:14:46,092
"What'd you do?

365
00:14:46,151 --> 00:14:47,323
I gotta hide!"

366
00:14:47,386 --> 00:14:50,560
( panting )

367
00:14:50,623 --> 00:14:53,229
<i>"I'll</i> hide in this tree!

368
00:14:53,292 --> 00:14:56,000
"Get away!

369
00:14:56,061 --> 00:14:57,938
"Get away!

370
00:14:57,997 --> 00:14:59,601
Leave me alone!"

371
00:15:03,369 --> 00:15:04,712
( sobbing )

372
00:15:08,540 --> 00:15:12,283
"I want to die, I want to die."

373
00:15:12,344 --> 00:15:14,255
That's pretty much
how it sounded.

374
00:15:14,313 --> 00:15:15,314
<i>So-</i>

375
00:15:15,381 --> 00:15:16,724
( cheers and applause )

376
00:15:16,782 --> 00:15:18,125
Thanks.

377
00:15:20,519 --> 00:15:22,157
So I've had a lot of run-ins
with, you know,

378
00:15:22,221 --> 00:15:23,859
like, homeless people
and stuff like that.

379
00:15:23,923 --> 00:15:26,494
And you know, I lived in
Downtown LA,

380
00:15:26,558 --> 00:15:30,005
and Downtown LA is kind of like

381
00:15:30,062 --> 00:15:32,975
the '80s decided to stay there.

382
00:15:33,032 --> 00:15:35,876
They're like, oh, yeah, you guys
go ahead and be the '90s,

383
00:15:35,935 --> 00:15:38,472
go enjoy Ace of Base.

384
00:15:38,537 --> 00:15:40,483
We'll be here,

385
00:15:40,539 --> 00:15:42,485
practicing the Moonwalk
and selling crack.

386
00:15:42,541 --> 00:15:46,421
Like, that's
everything in Downtown LA.

387
00:15:46,478 --> 00:15:48,458
And I... You know, I'm hanging
out in Downtown LA

388
00:15:48,514 --> 00:15:50,323
and I would always have...

389
00:15:50,382 --> 00:15:51,793
You know, I would have,
like, parties or something

390
00:15:51,850 --> 00:15:53,295
or watch movies
and stuff like that

391
00:15:53,352 --> 00:15:54,922
and I'd have girls over

392
00:15:54,987 --> 00:15:57,160
and I'd always had to walk them
back to their car.

393
00:15:57,222 --> 00:15:59,793
Like, they ask me,
like, can you walk me back?

394
00:15:59,858 --> 00:16:01,132
And I'm like, sure.

395
00:16:01,193 --> 00:16:02,570
And around the seventh time,
I was like,

396
00:16:02,628 --> 00:16:03,834
wow, every girl who comes over

397
00:16:03,896 --> 00:16:05,705
asks me to walk them
back to their car,

398
00:16:05,764 --> 00:16:07,243
like, no matter what time.

399
00:16:07,299 --> 00:16:08,676
And like, I realized,
I was like,

400
00:16:08,734 --> 00:16:10,213
Oh, they're afraid they're gonna
get attacked

401
00:16:10,269 --> 00:16:11,680
or raped or something,

402
00:16:11,737 --> 00:16:13,648
and I was like, oh, my God,
like, that's ridiculous.

403
00:16:13,706 --> 00:16:15,811
Like, as a grown man,
I never think of that,

404
00:16:15,874 --> 00:16:17,478
like, that's never in my head.

405
00:16:17,543 --> 00:16:18,681
Like, oh, will I get...

406
00:16:18,744 --> 00:16:21,554
Like, rape isn't right around
the corner for me

407
00:16:21,613 --> 00:16:24,025
like it is for women,
which is so messed up.

408
00:16:24,083 --> 00:16:25,323
Like if someone...

409
00:16:25,384 --> 00:16:27,022
Like, I'm an adult male,
I'm a grown man.

410
00:16:27,086 --> 00:16:28,724
Like, if someone
was gonna rape me, like,

411
00:16:28,787 --> 00:16:30,391
someone's gonna attack
me and rape me,

412
00:16:30,456 --> 00:16:32,697
like, they had to be, like...

413
00:16:32,758 --> 00:16:34,465
Like, real tricky about it,
you know?

414
00:16:40,466 --> 00:16:41,706
Like, real tricky.

415
00:16:41,767 --> 00:16:43,440
Like, I'd be, like, going in
the movie theater,

416
00:16:43,502 --> 00:16:45,448
I got my popcorn, you know.

417
00:16:45,504 --> 00:16:46,812
About to go see, like,

418
00:16:46,872 --> 00:16:48,510
a movie with a bunch of
explosions in it.

419
00:16:48,574 --> 00:16:50,076
Just like,
"Hey, what's going on?

420
00:16:50,142 --> 00:16:51,382
"Sorry, man, sorry.

421
00:16:51,443 --> 00:16:53,116
"Oh, sorry, man, sorry, just
trying to get through.

422
00:16:53,178 --> 00:16:54,589
"It's 'The Expendables.'

423
00:16:54,646 --> 00:16:56,284
"Sorry, excuse me, trying...

424
00:16:56,348 --> 00:16:58,555
"Sorry, all right.

425
00:16:58,617 --> 00:16:59,595
Ah!"

426
00:16:59,651 --> 00:17:01,631
And then I see, like...

427
00:17:01,687 --> 00:17:04,258
Then I see, like, a man dressed
like a chair running away.

428
00:17:04,323 --> 00:17:06,166
Goddammit!

429
00:17:11,030 --> 00:17:12,270
"What up, man?"

430
00:17:12,331 --> 00:17:15,005
"Nothing...
I got raped again, man."

431
00:17:19,104 --> 00:17:20,640
"Can you believe this?

432
00:17:20,706 --> 00:17:22,913
No, I don't want to watch
'Expendables' anymore."

433
00:17:27,679 --> 00:17:29,625
I was hanging out
in my neighborhood

434
00:17:29,681 --> 00:17:32,662
and this girl was jogging
and we started talking

435
00:17:32,718 --> 00:17:34,789
about a rape that had happened
in the neighborhood,

436
00:17:34,853 --> 00:17:35,991
and we were talking about...

437
00:17:36,055 --> 00:17:37,398
"Oh, this is awful,
this is so messed up.

438
00:17:37,456 --> 00:17:38,958
I can't believe this happened
so close to us."

439
00:17:39,024 --> 00:17:40,901
And she goes, "Yeah, well,

440
00:17:40,959 --> 00:17:44,099
"if anybody ever
tries to rape me,

441
00:17:44,163 --> 00:17:45,870
I'm just gonna shit on 'em."

442
00:17:52,838 --> 00:17:54,340
"Yes, I will.

443
00:17:54,406 --> 00:17:55,976
I have no problem."

444
00:18:03,749 --> 00:18:06,923
Uh...

445
00:18:06,985 --> 00:18:09,556
Two things, lady.

446
00:18:09,621 --> 00:18:12,727
Number one, he's a rapist.

447
00:18:12,791 --> 00:18:16,864
So his tolerance for gross stuff
is probably pretty high.

448
00:18:16,929 --> 00:18:18,704
It's probably pretty high.

449
00:18:18,764 --> 00:18:21,301
Number two...

450
00:18:21,366 --> 00:18:22,970
you can shit on command?

451
00:18:23,035 --> 00:18:24,605
Like, you can just...

452
00:18:24,670 --> 00:18:25,978
You can just poop
whenever you want to?

453
00:18:26,038 --> 00:18:27,813
Just be like... Hyah!

454
00:18:30,075 --> 00:18:31,816
He's like, "Oh God, no!"

455
00:18:31,877 --> 00:18:33,220
Like... You can poop
whenever you want?

456
00:18:33,278 --> 00:18:35,315
Like, you got...
You're a national treasure.

457
00:18:35,380 --> 00:18:36,723
Like, you can...

458
00:18:36,782 --> 00:18:38,386
You got more superpowers
than Shaft

459
00:18:38,450 --> 00:18:40,953
if you can
poop whenever you want.

460
00:18:41,019 --> 00:18:42,396
That's amazing, okay?

461
00:18:42,454 --> 00:18:43,762
No, I can't poop
whenever I want.

462
00:18:43,822 --> 00:18:45,961
Somebody can run down...
down the stage right now

463
00:18:46,024 --> 00:18:49,528
and pull out a gun and be like,
"Shit yourself!

464
00:18:49,595 --> 00:18:50,903
Poop yourself right now!"

465
00:18:50,963 --> 00:18:52,636
I'd be like, "Blow my head off."

466
00:18:52,698 --> 00:18:54,541
I can't do it,
I can't do it, I'm not...

467
00:18:54,600 --> 00:18:59,049
Me and my butt are, like, always
on the third date, I feel like.

468
00:18:59,104 --> 00:19:00,708
I feel like, me,
I'm always like, come on,

469
00:19:00,772 --> 00:19:02,012
let's... hurry up, let's do this.

470
00:19:02,074 --> 00:19:03,246
And my butt's always like,

471
00:19:03,308 --> 00:19:05,345
stop rushing me,
when the time is right.

472
00:19:05,410 --> 00:19:06,889
I'm not in love yet.

473
00:19:12,684 --> 00:19:15,722
That was me in a domestic
dispute with my... with my butt.

474
00:19:20,659 --> 00:19:23,606
But with all this, like,
crazy stuff going on,

475
00:19:23,662 --> 00:19:27,439
with like, you know, rapes and,
like, earthquakes and all this...

476
00:19:27,499 --> 00:19:29,445
I know, I put, like,
rapes and earthquakes

477
00:19:29,501 --> 00:19:31,981
in the same category.

478
00:19:33,705 --> 00:19:36,117
Like if my sister was like,
"I got raped yesterday,"

479
00:19:36,175 --> 00:19:38,951
I'd be like, "Did you
hear about that earthquake?

480
00:19:39,011 --> 00:19:40,354
"It was like a 4.5.

481
00:19:40,412 --> 00:19:42,392
It wasn't huge,
but it was big enough."

482
00:19:42,447 --> 00:19:44,051
They're not the same thing.

483
00:19:44,116 --> 00:19:47,962
But with all this crazy stuff
going on,

484
00:19:48,020 --> 00:19:50,000
people feel like it's
the end of the world.

485
00:19:50,055 --> 00:19:51,466
Like, people just...
People talk about...

486
00:19:51,523 --> 00:19:53,196
Like, people say this is
the worst time.

487
00:19:53,258 --> 00:19:54,635
I was talking to my dad the
other day and he was like,

488
00:19:54,693 --> 00:19:56,229
"Oh man, things are so bad, man.

489
00:19:56,295 --> 00:19:58,502
"Things are so bad out here,
I'm sorry, I just like...

490
00:19:58,564 --> 00:20:00,475
"It feels like this is
the worst time to be alive, man.

491
00:20:00,532 --> 00:20:02,443
"This is the worst time
to be alive.

492
00:20:02,501 --> 00:20:03,741
"I'm sorry, son.

493
00:20:03,802 --> 00:20:05,008
It's the worst time
to be alive."

494
00:20:05,070 --> 00:20:06,447
And that's bullshit.

495
00:20:06,505 --> 00:20:08,109
That's crap, that is total crap.

496
00:20:08,173 --> 00:20:11,245
This is the best time
to be alive ever.

497
00:20:11,310 --> 00:20:13,881
This is the best time there has
ever been to be human and alive.

498
00:20:13,946 --> 00:20:15,289
That's the truth.

499
00:20:15,347 --> 00:20:16,451
( Cheers and applause )

500
00:20:16,515 --> 00:20:17,960
It's the absolute truth.

501
00:20:18,016 --> 00:20:21,463
Do you realize, like, just
a couple hundred years ago,

502
00:20:21,520 --> 00:20:22,999
just a couple hundred years ago,

503
00:20:23,055 --> 00:20:25,296
people could come into your
village, your community,

504
00:20:25,357 --> 00:20:26,859
whatever you want to call it,

505
00:20:26,925 --> 00:20:28,734
people could come in there,
just a bunch of them,

506
00:20:28,794 --> 00:20:31,741
kill you, rape your wife,
sell your kids into slavery

507
00:20:31,797 --> 00:20:33,936
and people would be like,
"Well, what'd you expect?"

508
00:20:37,035 --> 00:20:38,537
"It's nighttime."

509
00:20:43,675 --> 00:20:46,383
"My hands were tied,
the sun went down."

510
00:20:46,445 --> 00:20:48,447
You couldn't get away with
that stuff now.

511
00:20:48,513 --> 00:20:51,619
Somebody would Twitter that
shit, it would be everywhere.

512
00:20:51,683 --> 00:20:53,629
Be like, "Someone killed my mom

513
00:20:53,685 --> 00:20:56,427
"and sold me and my brother
to Greece.

514
00:20:56,488 --> 00:20:58,365
W-T-F?"

515
00:20:58,423 --> 00:20:59,993
It would be everywhere.

516
00:21:02,961 --> 00:21:05,305
People say the same stuff
about rap music.

517
00:21:05,364 --> 00:21:08,345
People are just like, "Oh, rap
music now, oh, it sucks so bad.

518
00:21:08,400 --> 00:21:09,811
"Rap music now sucks.

519
00:21:09,868 --> 00:21:11,506
"Now, back in the day,
that was the good rap music.

520
00:21:11,570 --> 00:21:13,311
"That was where the good rap
music was at.

521
00:21:13,372 --> 00:21:14,976
"I'm gonna walk around with my...

522
00:21:15,040 --> 00:21:17,816
Yeah, that's the good
rap music."

523
00:21:17,876 --> 00:21:19,150
No, it's not.

524
00:21:19,211 --> 00:21:21,384
Have you ever listened to rap
back in the day?

525
00:21:21,446 --> 00:21:22,754
It's always
some dude being like:

526
00:21:22,814 --> 00:21:24,851
Well I went to
the hat store today

527
00:21:24,916 --> 00:21:26,259
And I bought myself a hat

528
00:21:26,318 --> 00:21:27,661
Ha-ha-ha-ha!

529
00:21:34,092 --> 00:21:35,469
It's like, "Nigga...

530
00:21:35,527 --> 00:21:38,474
Nigga, I don't want to hear
your hat stories."

531
00:21:38,530 --> 00:21:40,203
So lame.

532
00:21:42,034 --> 00:21:44,640
You know, I think people don't
like rap nowadays

533
00:21:44,703 --> 00:21:47,183
'cause they say it has,
like a bad influence on kids,

534
00:21:47,239 --> 00:21:48,946
they have, like, a bad influence
on kids.

535
00:21:49,007 --> 00:21:50,213
And I grew up
with a bunch of kids,

536
00:21:50,275 --> 00:21:51,720
like, my mom ran a day care

537
00:21:51,777 --> 00:21:53,779
and we had foster kids
and we had adopted kids.

538
00:21:53,845 --> 00:21:56,052
I know kids pretty well
and I've got to be honest,

539
00:21:56,114 --> 00:21:59,027
kids are pretty fucked up
anyway.

540
00:21:59,084 --> 00:22:00,586
They're awful people.

541
00:22:00,652 --> 00:22:03,656
They're tiny, tiny little
Hitlers, all of them.

542
00:22:03,722 --> 00:22:05,167
They're all awful.

543
00:22:05,223 --> 00:22:06,497
No, seriously.

544
00:22:06,558 --> 00:22:08,970
The thing that makes everybody
in here a good person

545
00:22:09,027 --> 00:22:10,506
is empathy and sympathy.

546
00:22:10,562 --> 00:22:12,735
When you learn, like, "Oh, I'm
not gonna punch that person,

547
00:22:12,798 --> 00:22:17,213
'cause if he punched me, I
wouldn't like that, so yeah."

548
00:22:17,269 --> 00:22:20,443
When you learn that, that's what
makes you a good person.

549
00:22:20,505 --> 00:22:25,454
Kids don't have that yet,
so they're awful, awful people.

550
00:22:25,510 --> 00:22:27,217
They're terrible people,
they don't have it yet,

551
00:22:27,279 --> 00:22:28,519
that's the honest-to-God...

552
00:22:28,580 --> 00:22:30,184
You ever see those kids
in the supermarket?

553
00:22:30,248 --> 00:22:32,626
They're just walking around,
they're just like...

554
00:22:32,684 --> 00:22:34,561
Just screaming
and their mom's like,

555
00:22:34,619 --> 00:22:36,098
"Zachary, Zachary,
I mean it, Zachary.

556
00:22:36,154 --> 00:22:37,724
"Zachary, Zach... Zachary,
remember?

557
00:22:37,789 --> 00:22:40,429
"Remember, Zachary?

558
00:22:40,492 --> 00:22:42,494
"Remember the... 'dolphin.'

559
00:22:42,561 --> 00:22:43,904
"Remember, 'dolphin'?

560
00:22:43,962 --> 00:22:45,441
"Remember we made
the secret word

561
00:22:45,497 --> 00:22:46,567
"that means you need to behave?

562
00:22:46,631 --> 00:22:47,837
"'Dolphin' is the word,
I just said it,

563
00:22:47,899 --> 00:22:49,572
"so you need to
behave, you understand?

564
00:22:49,634 --> 00:22:52,444
"You understand, huh?

565
00:22:52,504 --> 00:22:53,574
Okay-r.

566
00:22:53,638 --> 00:22:54,844
Like the kid's gonna be like,

567
00:22:54,906 --> 00:22:56,715
"Oh, you're right,
we did agree upon that."

568
00:23:02,047 --> 00:23:03,822
"I'm gonna stop pissing
in this Nutella jar

569
00:23:03,882 --> 00:23:08,422
and really...
really start behaving."

570
00:23:08,487 --> 00:23:10,023
He's three years old,
he doesn't know.

571
00:23:10,088 --> 00:23:11,931
He... He can't even talk.

572
00:23:11,990 --> 00:23:14,095
He can't even talk,
he doesn't speak English yet.

573
00:23:14,159 --> 00:23:15,695
If... That's the thing,
when they're going, like...

574
00:23:15,761 --> 00:23:17,434
And they're screaming
and they're spitting

575
00:23:17,496 --> 00:23:19,237
and they're screaming
at their mom,

576
00:23:19,297 --> 00:23:20,833
they're not saying anything.

577
00:23:20,899 --> 00:23:23,470
That's because
they don't know words yet.

578
00:23:23,535 --> 00:23:27,415
If they could talk, they'd be
cursing their mom out.

579
00:23:27,472 --> 00:23:28,576
They would.

580
00:23:28,640 --> 00:23:29,880
They'd be like, "Oh yeah, Mom,
I'm just gonna...

581
00:23:29,941 --> 00:23:31,215
"Yeah, I'm just gonna
eat this cookie for dinner.

582
00:23:31,276 --> 00:23:32,550
"Yeah, I'm just gonna eat this
cookie for dinner,

583
00:23:32,611 --> 00:23:33,749
"it's not a big deal,
I'm just gonna eat this...

584
00:23:33,812 --> 00:23:34,984
"What are you doing?
What are you doing?

585
00:23:35,046 --> 00:23:38,755
"Oh, you fucking bitch!

586
00:23:38,817 --> 00:23:40,490
"You knew I wanted that cookie
for dinner

587
00:23:40,552 --> 00:23:42,156
"and you put it
somewhere I couldn't reach it.

588
00:23:42,220 --> 00:23:45,360
"You're dead, you're
fucking dead.

589
00:23:45,424 --> 00:23:46,630
"I'm gonna tell Dad

590
00:23:46,691 --> 00:23:48,762
"and he's gonna beat the living
shit out of you.

591
00:23:48,827 --> 00:23:49,931
"Dad, Dad?

592
00:23:49,995 --> 00:23:54,375
"This cunt that you married

593
00:23:54,433 --> 00:23:56,470
"put a cookie somewhere
I couldn't reach it.

594
00:23:56,535 --> 00:23:58,606
"Fucking kill her.

595
00:23:58,670 --> 00:24:01,082
I'll wait."

596
00:24:01,139 --> 00:24:03,210
That's what's in a kid's head.

597
00:24:03,275 --> 00:24:04,413
Kids are awful.

598
00:24:04,476 --> 00:24:05,716
Kids are awful people...
You want to...

599
00:24:05,777 --> 00:24:08,519
You want to know a testament
to how awful kids are,

600
00:24:08,580 --> 00:24:10,321
how terrible kids are?

601
00:24:10,382 --> 00:24:12,828
Um, I was walking
down the street in LA,

602
00:24:12,884 --> 00:24:14,557
just walking down the street
from a restaurant,

603
00:24:14,619 --> 00:24:15,927
from one of my
favorite restaurants,

604
00:24:15,987 --> 00:24:17,898
and I had, like, a bag
full of food,

605
00:24:17,956 --> 00:24:20,334
and it's right
across the street from a school.

606
00:24:20,392 --> 00:24:22,702
And I saw two kids fighting
over a basketball.

607
00:24:22,761 --> 00:24:24,240
They're like...

608
00:24:24,296 --> 00:24:25,639
Fighting over it,
I'm just walking by.

609
00:24:25,697 --> 00:24:28,940
And one of 'em just goes,
and just pulls it.

610
00:24:29,000 --> 00:24:31,105
And the other one goes,

611
00:24:31,169 --> 00:24:33,479
"That's why your mom's
in a fucking wheelchair!"

612
00:24:38,877 --> 00:24:40,447
And I dropped my shit,
I was like,

613
00:24:40,512 --> 00:24:44,654
Wha... Wha... What?

614
00:24:44,716 --> 00:24:47,219
You can say that?

615
00:24:47,285 --> 00:24:51,131
You can say those words in that
order and you don't explode?

616
00:24:51,189 --> 00:24:53,032
Like, the people police don't
come down from the sky,

617
00:24:53,091 --> 00:24:54,661
like, "Oh, I'm sorry,
this person's a demon.

618
00:24:54,726 --> 00:24:57,036
"I didn't even know...
I don't know how...

619
00:24:57,095 --> 00:24:59,200
I don't know how he got out."

620
00:25:03,535 --> 00:25:05,412
That's the most awful thing
in the world.

621
00:25:05,470 --> 00:25:07,347
Nobody in this room
could get away with that.

622
00:25:07,405 --> 00:25:09,749
If you went to work tomorrow
and it was like,

623
00:25:09,808 --> 00:25:11,617
"Hey man, Dave is
being a real jerk today."

624
00:25:11,676 --> 00:25:12,814
"Yeah, I know, what's going on?"

625
00:25:12,878 --> 00:25:14,323
"I don't know, but that's
why his mom's

626
00:25:14,379 --> 00:25:15,687
"in a fucking wheelchair.

627
00:25:15,747 --> 00:25:16,782
"All right, I'll see you later,
I'll see you later.

628
00:25:16,848 --> 00:25:17,883
Basketball later?"

629
00:25:17,949 --> 00:25:20,020
"No, no basketball later.

630
00:25:20,085 --> 00:25:22,292
I'm not playing with a monster."

631
00:25:26,291 --> 00:25:28,828
Tiny Hitlers.

632
00:25:28,894 --> 00:25:29,964
All awful.

633
00:25:30,028 --> 00:25:32,304
Seriously, that's why
I wear condoms.

634
00:25:32,364 --> 00:25:34,071
I'm not having a baby.

635
00:25:34,132 --> 00:25:35,611
I'm not ready to have a baby.

636
00:25:35,667 --> 00:25:37,044
And I know a lot of people
are just like,

637
00:25:37,102 --> 00:25:38,706
"I wear condoms 'cause
I don't want to get AIDS."

638
00:25:38,770 --> 00:25:40,545
But I gotta be honest,
I'm sorry,

639
00:25:40,605 --> 00:25:44,815
I'd much rather
have AIDS than a baby.

640
00:25:44,876 --> 00:25:48,688
Sorry, AIDS beats baby
by this much.

641
00:25:48,747 --> 00:25:49,782
Seriously.

642
00:25:49,848 --> 00:25:51,759
People get all upset when
they hear that.

643
00:25:51,816 --> 00:25:54,262
Think about it, they're
not that different, you guys.

644
00:25:54,319 --> 00:25:55,730
They're not that different
at all.

645
00:25:55,787 --> 00:25:58,199
They're both expensive, you have
them for the rest of your life,

646
00:25:58,256 --> 00:25:59,997
they're constant reminders of
the mistakes you've made,

647
00:26:00,058 --> 00:26:01,435
and once you have them,

648
00:26:01,493 --> 00:26:03,166
you pretty much can only date
other people who have them.

649
00:26:03,228 --> 00:26:05,731
What's the difference?

650
00:26:05,797 --> 00:26:07,834
What's the difference?

651
00:26:10,669 --> 00:26:12,740
The only difference is,
you can't go to jail

652
00:26:12,804 --> 00:26:15,182
by accidentally dropping AIDS.

653
00:26:20,412 --> 00:26:22,983
So AIDS wins by this much.

654
00:26:26,051 --> 00:26:27,553
I'm serious,
I mean, like, people...

655
00:26:27,619 --> 00:26:29,257
At least people, “when you
have AIDS,

656
00:26:29,321 --> 00:26:31,096
people are, like, aware of it
and people want to help you.

657
00:26:31,156 --> 00:26:32,533
People feel sorry for you.

658
00:26:32,591 --> 00:26:34,264
Like, people want to
help you out

659
00:26:34,326 --> 00:26:36,704
and make other people aware of
that when you have AIDS.

660
00:26:36,761 --> 00:26:40,072
People don't give
a shit when you have kids.

661
00:26:40,131 --> 00:26:42,509
No one's just like, "Yeah, man,
I'm living with kids."

662
00:26:45,971 --> 00:26:49,475
"Been kids-positive
for about five years now.

663
00:26:49,541 --> 00:26:53,045
"I lost a lot of my friends in
the '80s to kids.

664
00:26:53,111 --> 00:26:55,113
"We're doing a kids walk
tomorrow and just...

665
00:26:55,180 --> 00:26:57,421
"I'm sorry, one of
my kids coughed in my face,

666
00:26:57,482 --> 00:26:59,758
I have to leave," like, no...

667
00:26:59,818 --> 00:27:02,765
No one cares.

668
00:27:02,821 --> 00:27:05,097
And it's weird...
Like, I remember, here's...

669
00:27:05,156 --> 00:27:08,831
I was babysitting this kid once,
this mean kid,

670
00:27:08,893 --> 00:27:13,171
and I remember the first time
I saw him, I opened the door

671
00:27:13,231 --> 00:27:15,507
and there were tears
streaming down his face,

672
00:27:15,567 --> 00:27:17,808
tears streaming down his face,
but he wasn't crying.

673
00:27:17,869 --> 00:27:19,212
He wasn't crying.

674
00:27:19,270 --> 00:27:21,511
Just tears, he was giving me
this mean mug, he was like...

675
00:27:21,573 --> 00:27:23,814
I was like, what the fuck is
wrong with this kid?

676
00:27:23,875 --> 00:27:26,879
What's going on with this kid?

677
00:27:26,945 --> 00:27:28,947
I found out later that his
parents were very organic

678
00:27:29,014 --> 00:27:31,051
and they wouldn't let him
have any sugar,

679
00:27:31,116 --> 00:27:32,561
they wouldn't
let him have any candy.

680
00:27:32,617 --> 00:27:34,824
He would... The sweetest thing
he was allowed was mints.

681
00:27:34,886 --> 00:27:36,456
He was just
allowed to have mints.

682
00:27:36,521 --> 00:27:40,469
So he would steal mints
by the handful.

683
00:27:40,525 --> 00:27:46,806
So his breath was so fresh...

684
00:27:46,865 --> 00:27:49,675
the vapors from his own mouth
made his eyes water.

685
00:27:54,339 --> 00:27:55,943
Like, he'd be like, "Hello!"

686
00:27:56,007 --> 00:27:58,112
And then like...
Just, they would just bleed...

687
00:27:58,176 --> 00:27:59,883
It was crazy.

688
00:27:59,944 --> 00:28:01,617
I would take him to the park,
right?

689
00:28:01,680 --> 00:28:03,125
Washington Square Park,

690
00:28:03,181 --> 00:28:04,626
and all the babysitters
in New York

691
00:28:04,683 --> 00:28:05,889
for some reason are Trinidadian.

692
00:28:05,950 --> 00:28:07,327
They're all Trinidadian
babysitters.

693
00:28:07,385 --> 00:28:10,093
And I would take him to the park
and I was the only boy there,

694
00:28:10,155 --> 00:28:11,293
you know, I was hanging out.

695
00:28:11,356 --> 00:28:12,664
You know, they were cool.

696
00:28:12,724 --> 00:28:14,635
You know, we'd trade jerk-
chicken recipes and stuff.

697
00:28:19,664 --> 00:28:22,508
And he... he was just
a mean-spirited kid,

698
00:28:22,567 --> 00:28:23,773
like, he kind Of...

699
00:28:23,835 --> 00:28:25,837
Like, he watched HBO
just a little too early

700
00:28:25,904 --> 00:28:27,679
and was just kind of a mean kid
in general,

701
00:28:27,739 --> 00:28:29,150
so he would just
come through and just...

702
00:28:29,207 --> 00:28:30,652
He wanted to get to his slide,

703
00:28:30,709 --> 00:28:32,711
so he just pushed over this
little girl, she fell over,

704
00:28:32,777 --> 00:28:34,779
and her Trinidadian babysitter
comes over and goes,

705
00:28:34,846 --> 00:28:36,723
"Hey!

706
00:28:36,781 --> 00:28:40,126
You leave that little girl
alone."

707
00:28:40,185 --> 00:28:44,656
And he goes, "Shut up."

708
00:28:44,723 --> 00:28:47,795
And she goes, "Don't you talk
to me like that,

709
00:28:47,859 --> 00:28:50,863
I am a grown-up,
you will respect me."

710
00:28:50,929 --> 00:28:53,466
And he goes, "Suck my dick!"

711
00:28:59,871 --> 00:29:03,080
And the lady goes...
I shit you not...

712
00:29:03,141 --> 00:29:05,246
The lady goes,

713
00:29:05,310 --> 00:29:08,621
"Someone betta get this little
niglet away from me."

714
00:29:17,722 --> 00:29:19,861
And I fell out

715
00:29:19,924 --> 00:29:23,929
because I have never heard
the word "niglet" before!

716
00:29:23,995 --> 00:29:25,599
I never heard...
My brain started...

717
00:29:25,663 --> 00:29:27,904
I was like, niglet,
I haven't heard that one!

718
00:29:27,966 --> 00:29:29,377
It was, like, insane.

719
00:29:29,434 --> 00:29:30,674
Like, the first thing that came
to my head was, like,

720
00:29:30,735 --> 00:29:32,146
the name of a band or something,

721
00:29:32,203 --> 00:29:33,739
like, everybody give it up for
Bobby Johnson and the Niglets!

722
00:29:33,805 --> 00:29:35,910
And like, three little kids in
like, slim-fit suits come out.

723
00:29:39,744 --> 00:29:42,156
They sing, like, exclusively
Hall & Oates songs.

724
00:29:45,416 --> 00:29:46,918
I was like, "niglet!"

725
00:29:46,985 --> 00:29:48,259
I was taking him home while it's
still in my head.

726
00:29:48,319 --> 00:29:49,559
I was like, niglet, like,

727
00:29:49,621 --> 00:29:51,623
is that like the black version
of Piglet, like, Niglet?

728
00:29:51,689 --> 00:29:53,168
One of 'em's just like,
"Hey, I'm Niglet!"

729
00:29:53,224 --> 00:29:54,328
And like, Pooh's at the door,
he's like,

730
00:29:54,392 --> 00:29:55,735
"Oh, come on, man,
it's 3:00 in the morning,

731
00:29:55,794 --> 00:29:56,864
you smell like malt liquor."

732
00:29:56,928 --> 00:29:58,498
"Shut up, I'm Niglet!"

733
00:30:04,202 --> 00:30:06,079
Like... And like, I couldn't...

734
00:30:06,137 --> 00:30:09,846
I couldn't even get mad
at the slur

735
00:30:09,908 --> 00:30:15,756
because there's just something
about racism that's funny...

736
00:30:15,814 --> 00:30:18,920
when it's tiny, you know?

737
00:30:18,983 --> 00:30:21,293
When it's tiny, it's just
hilarious for some reason.

738
00:30:21,352 --> 00:30:25,198
Like, if a tiny Klansman ran
onstage right now and was like,

739
00:30:25,256 --> 00:30:26,997
"Get off stage, you nigger!"

740
00:30:27,058 --> 00:30:29,038
I'd be like,
"Look at the little guy!"

741
00:30:29,093 --> 00:30:30,538
Pick him up, tickle him.

742
00:30:30,595 --> 00:30:32,074
"I'm gonna burn a cross
on your lawn,"

743
00:30:32,130 --> 00:30:33,768
like, "Shut up,
you little motherfucker.

744
00:30:33,832 --> 00:30:35,140
Get out of here!"

745
00:30:35,200 --> 00:30:36,975
"Aw, I mean it!"

746
00:30:41,606 --> 00:30:42,880
That'd be hilarious.

747
00:30:42,941 --> 00:30:45,945
It'd be like a messed-up
Webster.

748
00:30:46,010 --> 00:30:49,048
We'd like,
share a split-level house.

749
00:30:49,113 --> 00:30:51,616
He's going up the stairs with
his tiny cross.

750
00:30:51,683 --> 00:30:53,287
And he's like, "Hey, Donald."

751
00:30:53,351 --> 00:30:54,523
"Yeah?"

752
00:30:54,586 --> 00:30:57,260
"I hate you."

753
00:30:57,322 --> 00:31:00,098
"I hate you too, tiny Klansman.

754
00:31:00,158 --> 00:31:01,694
I hate you too."

755
00:31:10,401 --> 00:31:11,903
It's funny how, like,

756
00:31:11,970 --> 00:31:14,382
the N-word still comes up in
weird places.

757
00:31:14,439 --> 00:31:16,146
It does, like,
it's strange 'cause, like,

758
00:31:16,207 --> 00:31:18,346
it doesn't really affect me

759
00:31:18,409 --> 00:31:20,548
like I'm sure
it does like it used to.

760
00:31:20,612 --> 00:31:22,387
Like, I don't really think about
it, it doesn't really come up

761
00:31:22,447 --> 00:31:24,222
and like, I don't really
care about that shit,

762
00:31:24,282 --> 00:31:26,057
but it still
comes up in weird places.

763
00:31:26,117 --> 00:31:27,824
Like, I like...
Like, I write raps,

764
00:31:27,886 --> 00:31:30,059
so sometimes I will write them
in my iPhone,

765
00:31:30,121 --> 00:31:33,398
so I was like, writing, you
know, the N-word in my iPhone,

766
00:31:33,458 --> 00:31:35,529
N-I-G-G-A, I was writing
the N-word.

767
00:31:35,593 --> 00:31:39,541
And my iPhone goes,

768
00:31:39,597 --> 00:31:41,235
"Did you mean 'niggardly'?"

769
00:31:50,942 --> 00:31:54,446
And I was like, "No, iPhone.

770
00:31:54,512 --> 00:31:56,924
"I meant 'nigga.'

771
00:31:56,981 --> 00:31:58,483
Write it."

772
00:32:04,789 --> 00:32:08,703
But then, like, two weeks later,

773
00:32:08,760 --> 00:32:10,740
I was writing "jigga,"

774
00:32:10,795 --> 00:32:13,969
which is the shortened
form of Jay-Z, J-I-G-G-A,

775
00:32:14,032 --> 00:32:17,138
and my iPhone goes, "Did you
mean 'nigga'?"

776
00:32:17,201 --> 00:32:19,147
And I went, "Whoa, iPhone!"

777
00:32:23,574 --> 00:32:25,485
"You do not get to say that."

778
00:32:31,749 --> 00:32:33,422
I like to... I like... You know.

779
00:32:33,484 --> 00:32:34,861
I've said this
in my raps before.

780
00:32:34,919 --> 00:32:36,557
I like to date the black girls
of every culture, you know.

781
00:32:36,621 --> 00:32:38,897
Like Filipinos.

782
00:32:38,957 --> 00:32:42,461
They're like the black girls
of Asians.

783
00:32:42,527 --> 00:32:45,440
Armenians, who's like
the black girls of white girls.

784
00:32:52,503 --> 00:32:56,110
And I was dating this
Armenian and...

785
00:32:58,843 --> 00:33:00,083
Someone's racist.

786
00:33:03,181 --> 00:33:06,060
Armenians!

787
00:33:06,117 --> 00:33:07,892
Oh, God, but seriously,
who were you dating?

788
00:33:13,658 --> 00:33:14,659
<i>I was...</i>

789
00:33:14,726 --> 00:33:16,637
No, I was dating this
Armenian girl

790
00:33:16,694 --> 00:33:21,074
and we were making sex.

791
00:33:21,132 --> 00:33:23,339
I was having sex with her.

792
00:33:23,401 --> 00:33:26,746
I know, I wish I could start
every sentence that way.

793
00:33:26,804 --> 00:33:28,681
Just like, "I was having sex
with this girl,

794
00:33:28,740 --> 00:33:30,447
and enjoy 'Black Swan.

795
00:33:34,712 --> 00:33:36,248
"Oh, I liked that.

796
00:33:36,314 --> 00:33:38,817
I liked the part where he said
he was having sex."

797
00:33:38,883 --> 00:33:41,557
But I was having sex with
her and we were towards...

798
00:33:41,619 --> 00:33:46,398
towards the end, and she goes,

799
00:33:46,457 --> 00:33:49,631
"Fuck me harder
with that N-word dick."

800
00:33:58,903 --> 00:34:03,045
And I stop,

801
00:34:03,107 --> 00:34:06,577
look at her right in the eye...

802
00:34:06,644 --> 00:34:11,616
and I came harder than
I've ever come...

803
00:34:11,682 --> 00:34:14,288
before.

804
00:34:15,953 --> 00:34:18,797
It was so awesome, you guys,
it was so great.

805
00:34:18,856 --> 00:34:19,800
Like, I was like, wha?

806
00:34:19,857 --> 00:34:21,837
Like, I couldn't believe it.

807
00:34:21,893 --> 00:34:24,237
Like, it was almost worth being
black my entire life.

808
00:34:24,295 --> 00:34:27,299
It was so great.

809
00:34:27,365 --> 00:34:31,313
It was so great, I actually felt
bad for white dudes, I felt bad.

810
00:34:31,369 --> 00:34:33,781
I was like, you guys'll
never have that!

811
00:34:33,838 --> 00:34:35,146
You'll never have that...
what do you guys have?

812
00:34:35,206 --> 00:34:37,345
"Cracker dick"? That's not...

813
00:34:37,408 --> 00:34:39,285
That's not sexy at all.

814
00:34:39,343 --> 00:34:43,291
That sounds like a virus
you pick up on a cruise ship.

815
00:34:43,347 --> 00:34:45,520
Like, yeah, you've got
cracker dick.

816
00:34:45,583 --> 00:34:47,426
Yeah, just hold it
together, I don't know.

817
00:34:52,523 --> 00:34:54,434
People always want to know
who can say the N-word

818
00:34:54,492 --> 00:34:56,096
and who can't say the N-word.

819
00:34:56,160 --> 00:34:57,969
You know, like people always...

820
00:34:58,029 --> 00:34:59,736
You know, I've got a lot of
white friends.

821
00:34:59,797 --> 00:35:01,037
And they're all
just kind of like,

822
00:35:01,099 --> 00:35:02,544
"Oh man, I wish I could
say that stuff.

823
00:35:02,600 --> 00:35:04,079
"It sounds so cool
when you say it in rap songs.

824
00:35:04,135 --> 00:35:05,842
Like, I want to say that,
it sounds cool."

825
00:35:05,903 --> 00:35:07,280
And I'm just like, oh,
it doesn't really, like,

826
00:35:07,338 --> 00:35:10,547
do anything...
it's not that great, you know?

827
00:35:10,608 --> 00:35:14,420
Like, it still comes up in
weird places, like...

828
00:35:14,479 --> 00:35:17,255
You know, like that niglet joke?

829
00:35:17,315 --> 00:35:21,354
I told that joke in Alaska,

830
00:35:21,419 --> 00:35:25,265
and Alaska, for some reason,
has a large deaf population.

831
00:35:25,323 --> 00:35:30,602
So they hired a woman to do
sign language with me

832
00:35:30,661 --> 00:35:33,733
for that joke,

833
00:35:33,798 --> 00:35:35,402
and she comes up to me
and she goes,

834
00:35:35,466 --> 00:35:39,505
"I'm sorry, but are there any
terms or phrases in your act

835
00:35:39,570 --> 00:35:43,347
"that don't exist
in sign language

836
00:35:43,407 --> 00:35:44,818
that I have to make up
on the spot?"

837
00:35:44,876 --> 00:35:46,856
And I was like...

838
00:35:46,911 --> 00:35:51,189
"Yeah.

839
00:35:51,249 --> 00:35:54,753
Niglet?"

840
00:35:54,819 --> 00:35:57,959
And she goes, "Oh."

841
00:35:58,022 --> 00:36:03,199
There's already a term for
"niglet" in sign language!

842
00:36:03,261 --> 00:36:05,002
They already have it!

843
00:36:05,062 --> 00:36:08,168
Deaf people have been saying
"niglet" for years!

844
00:36:08,232 --> 00:36:09,506
For years!

845
00:36:09,567 --> 00:36:12,173
A nigga that is tiny,
that's what that means!

846
00:36:12,236 --> 00:36:13,738
Was it... Why is this "nigga"?

847
00:36:13,804 --> 00:36:15,078
<i>Why is this... This is...</i>

848
00:36:15,139 --> 00:36:19,554
I feel like it should be...
Or... Way, way before this.

849
00:36:19,610 --> 00:36:22,352
I've done this walking
down the street.

850
00:36:22,413 --> 00:36:24,051
Like, when my nose itches,
I've done that

851
00:36:24,115 --> 00:36:25,355
and I feel like deaf people

852
00:36:25,416 --> 00:36:27,157
were looking at me like,
"That motherfucker's racist."

853
00:36:31,155 --> 00:36:33,032
"That guy hates his own people."

854
00:36:37,962 --> 00:36:39,566
But like I was saying,

855
00:36:39,630 --> 00:36:41,473
people always want to know
who can say it and who can't

856
00:36:41,532 --> 00:36:43,512
and it doesn't help me,
it doesn't help anyone.

857
00:36:43,568 --> 00:36:44,740
Like, it doesn't...

858
00:36:44,802 --> 00:36:46,713
Like, being black
and being able to say, like,

859
00:36:46,771 --> 00:36:48,614
the N-word doesn't help at all,
like, no one's ever...

860
00:36:48,673 --> 00:36:51,085
I'm not gonna get a job
off of it or anything like that.

861
00:36:51,142 --> 00:36:52,348
It's like,

862
00:36:52,410 --> 00:36:55,619
"This dude is extremely
qualified for this job...

863
00:36:55,680 --> 00:36:59,560
"but this guy can say nigger
whenever he wants.

864
00:36:59,617 --> 00:37:01,324
Which one do we choose?"

865
00:37:01,385 --> 00:37:04,298
Like, no one cares.

866
00:37:04,355 --> 00:37:08,360
But there is one person
in the entire world

867
00:37:08,426 --> 00:37:10,997
I know for a fact
who can say the N-word,

868
00:37:11,062 --> 00:37:12,541
who isn't a minority.

869
00:37:12,597 --> 00:37:14,304
There's one person,
there's one dude.

870
00:37:14,365 --> 00:37:16,606
There's one dude in the entire
world who can say the N-word

871
00:37:16,667 --> 00:37:18,908
and he's not a minority,
he's not black.

872
00:37:18,970 --> 00:37:22,042
And that one person
in the entire world

873
00:37:22,106 --> 00:37:25,781
who can say the N-word is...

874
00:37:25,843 --> 00:37:27,447
Charlie Sheen.

875
00:37:41,959 --> 00:37:45,497
"Why does Charlie Sheen get to
say the N-word, Donald?"

876
00:37:45,563 --> 00:37:49,477
I will tell you, audience.

877
00:37:49,533 --> 00:37:53,071
The reason Charlie Sheen
gets to say the N-word

878
00:37:53,137 --> 00:37:54,707
is because Charlie Sheen,

879
00:37:54,772 --> 00:37:57,844
before all this crazy stuff
happened two years ago,

880
00:37:57,908 --> 00:38:02,220
got in a fight on the phone with
his ex-wife, Denise Richards,

881
00:38:02,280 --> 00:38:04,317
and just straight up
called her a nigger.

882
00:38:04,382 --> 00:38:07,022
Just called her... Just called
her the N-word, like literally.

883
00:38:07,084 --> 00:38:08,688
He was like, "Listen here,
you nigger!"

884
00:38:08,753 --> 00:38:10,824
Like, really,
really gave it to her,

885
00:38:10,888 --> 00:38:13,232
and I'm sorry, give that man
the NAACP Award.

886
00:38:13,291 --> 00:38:14,929
That is...

887
00:38:14,992 --> 00:38:17,233
Seriously, that is amazing,
think about it.

888
00:38:17,295 --> 00:38:22,404
A white dude called
a white woman a nigger.

889
00:38:22,466 --> 00:38:23,843
Straight up,
he didn't say, like,

890
00:38:23,901 --> 00:38:26,245
"I hope you get raped by..."
Or something like that.

891
00:38:26,304 --> 00:38:29,945
You know, he didn't
Mel Gibson it, like, he just...

892
00:38:30,007 --> 00:38:32,214
totally just called her...

893
00:38:32,276 --> 00:38:35,223
I'm sorry, and that's amazing,
that really is an amazing thing,

894
00:38:35,279 --> 00:38:36,587
like, think about it.

895
00:38:36,647 --> 00:38:38,649
Like, see, black people
use the N-word for everything.

896
00:38:38,716 --> 00:38:40,593
We use it for everything, like,
mother, brother, sister,

897
00:38:40,651 --> 00:38:42,927
like, love, hate,
we use it for everything.

898
00:38:42,987 --> 00:38:46,127
I called a seat belt a nigger
earlier today.

899
00:38:46,190 --> 00:38:47,794
I called a seat belt the N-word.

900
00:38:47,858 --> 00:38:50,532
I was putting on the seat belt
and I was like...

901
00:38:50,594 --> 00:38:54,406
"Nigga, if you don't..."
I called it...

902
00:38:54,465 --> 00:38:58,003
it just needs a little flavor,
so I gave it the N-word.

903
00:38:58,069 --> 00:38:59,878
You never...

904
00:38:59,937 --> 00:39:01,541
Like, we use it for everything.

905
00:39:01,605 --> 00:39:03,551
You never see any other
minority...

906
00:39:03,607 --> 00:39:06,520
You never see white people just
using it, you never see that...

907
00:39:06,577 --> 00:39:08,147
Just using it for everything.

908
00:39:08,212 --> 00:39:11,022
Like, you'll never go in Ikea
and see, like,

909
00:39:11,082 --> 00:39:14,757
two white undergraduates
from NYU just holding...

910
00:39:14,819 --> 00:39:17,857
just holding up, some,
like rugs and being like,

911
00:39:17,922 --> 00:39:21,961
"What do you think of this rug,
Denise?"

912
00:39:22,026 --> 00:39:23,130
"I hate green."

913
00:39:23,194 --> 00:39:24,696
"Oh, stop being a nigger,
what do you think?"

914
00:39:24,762 --> 00:39:28,369
You'll never see that.

915
00:39:28,432 --> 00:39:30,434
You'll never see that,
and that's the problem,

916
00:39:30,501 --> 00:39:32,208
it has to become a bad word
for everybody.

917
00:39:32,269 --> 00:39:33,839
I hate it when
black leaders are just like,

918
00:39:33,904 --> 00:39:35,076
oh, we're getting rid of it,

919
00:39:35,139 --> 00:39:36,277
everybody's got to stop
saying it.

920
00:39:36,340 --> 00:39:37,683
No one... Like,
rappers will still say it

921
00:39:37,742 --> 00:39:39,153
because you told them not to.

922
00:39:39,210 --> 00:39:40,587
That's what makes them badasses.

923
00:39:40,644 --> 00:39:43,318
Like, you got... Everybody's got
to start saying it.

924
00:39:43,381 --> 00:39:44,985
Everyone, like white people.

925
00:39:45,049 --> 00:39:47,086
Like, you guys have got to start
saying the N-word.

926
00:39:47,151 --> 00:39:48,789
You guys gotta start saying it.

927
00:39:48,853 --> 00:39:51,026
We will lose some of you
in the process.

928
00:39:56,894 --> 00:40:00,501
Not all of you
will make it home.

929
00:40:00,564 --> 00:40:04,410
But you'll be dying for a good
cause, it'll be great.

930
00:40:04,468 --> 00:40:06,573
I saw a lot of
white people here just like,

931
00:40:06,637 --> 00:40:08,617
"No, I would never... Uh-uh.

932
00:40:08,672 --> 00:40:10,515
"Not me, I won't be doing that.

933
00:40:10,574 --> 00:40:12,349
I will never...
I would never do that."

934
00:40:12,410 --> 00:40:13,855
And let's be honest.

935
00:40:13,911 --> 00:40:15,982
White people have been getting
pretty bold with the N-word

936
00:40:16,046 --> 00:40:17,423
lately anyway.

937
00:40:17,481 --> 00:40:19,654
Like, seriously,
I was at a Kanye West concert.

938
00:40:19,717 --> 00:40:21,856
I was at a Kanye concert
the other day, right?

939
00:40:21,919 --> 00:40:24,923
I was at a Kanye concert and he
was doing "All the Lights,"

940
00:40:24,989 --> 00:40:26,935
and you know how
"All the Lights" starts.

941
00:40:26,991 --> 00:40:29,471
He does like three...
three parts of a verse

942
00:40:29,527 --> 00:40:31,473
and then he gets to the end,

943
00:40:31,529 --> 00:40:35,033
and then he holds the mic out
for the N-word part

944
00:40:35,099 --> 00:40:37,306
and everyone was like,

945
00:40:37,368 --> 00:40:38,642
"Nigger-

946
00:40:38,702 --> 00:40:39,840
Like, everyone, everyone.

947
00:40:39,904 --> 00:40:41,008
And I was in...

948
00:40:41,071 --> 00:40:43,517
I wasn't in Detroit,
I wasn't in South Africa,

949
00:40:43,574 --> 00:40:46,316
I was in Texas, where they make
white people.

950
00:40:51,182 --> 00:40:53,059
I was surrounded by
white people and I was like,

951
00:40:53,117 --> 00:40:55,256
what the hell just happened?

952
00:40:55,319 --> 00:40:57,526
And they all looked at me like,
what you gonna do?

953
00:41:02,593 --> 00:41:04,595
It's a Kanye concert,
we outnumber you.

954
00:41:12,503 --> 00:41:14,176
I was like, okay.

955
00:41:18,375 --> 00:41:19,752
I'm, like...

956
00:41:19,810 --> 00:41:22,757
I just got out of a relationship
that was, like, pretty, like...

957
00:41:22,813 --> 00:41:24,087
Pretty hard.

958
00:41:24,148 --> 00:41:25,593
Like, I mean...
'Cause I was, like...

959
00:41:25,649 --> 00:41:27,026
Really, like, fell
for this girl.

960
00:41:27,084 --> 00:41:28,461
And the thing is, like,

961
00:41:28,519 --> 00:41:30,624
well, I learned a lot,
which is always good.

962
00:41:30,688 --> 00:41:32,395
Like, you want to learn from
stuff like that

963
00:41:32,456 --> 00:41:34,732
and like,
one thing I did learn...

964
00:41:34,792 --> 00:41:37,773
I guess the biggest thing I
learned was, like, if...

965
00:41:37,828 --> 00:41:42,106
If a conversation starts with,
"What did you mean by that?",

966
00:41:42,166 --> 00:41:43,509
it is not gonna end with,

967
00:41:43,567 --> 00:41:45,342
"Oh, now I know what you
mean by that."

968
00:41:48,405 --> 00:41:50,214
"Let's go to Game-Stop."

969
00:41:55,946 --> 00:41:58,483
Never happens.

970
00:41:58,549 --> 00:42:01,029
The thing is, is like dudes
are pretty...

971
00:42:01,085 --> 00:42:02,655
Like, we're pretty simple.

972
00:42:02,720 --> 00:42:04,529
We're dumb, but we're simple.

973
00:42:04,588 --> 00:42:05,862
Like we're very simple.

974
00:42:05,923 --> 00:42:07,834
Like every dude pretty much is
like, oh, I woke up,

975
00:42:07,892 --> 00:42:08,893
now I want to eat, did I eat?

976
00:42:08,959 --> 00:42:09,994
Now I want to fuck, did I fuck?

977
00:42:10,060 --> 00:42:11,266
Time to sleep again.

978
00:42:11,328 --> 00:42:14,605
That's pretty much all...
That's all dudes.

979
00:42:14,665 --> 00:42:16,838
Girls, they're,
like, individuals.

980
00:42:16,901 --> 00:42:18,744
Like, all of them very
individual, very different,

981
00:42:18,802 --> 00:42:21,544
and sometimes they will want
two opposing things

982
00:42:21,605 --> 00:42:23,710
at the same time,
like two opposing things,

983
00:42:23,774 --> 00:42:25,776
which is crazy to me,
like that's insane.

984
00:42:25,843 --> 00:42:28,187
Here's a perfect example,
is Destiny's Child.

985
00:42:28,245 --> 00:42:29,883
You guys remember
Destiny's Child?

986
00:42:29,947 --> 00:42:31,551
Destiny's Child?
Yeah, Destiny's Child.

987
00:42:31,615 --> 00:42:33,185
Women love Destiny's Child.

988
00:42:33,250 --> 00:42:35,059
And remember what their first
big hit?

989
00:42:35,119 --> 00:42:36,996
Their first big hit?
"Bills, Bills, Bills."

990
00:42:37,054 --> 00:42:38,533
Remember that?
"Bills, Bills, Bills"?

991
00:42:38,589 --> 00:42:41,229
Every girl in here is like,
"Yes, I do, I remember that.

992
00:42:41,292 --> 00:42:42,862
Totally do,"
because it was just like...

993
00:42:42,927 --> 00:42:44,634
Everybody was just like, can you
be... can you be responsible?

994
00:42:44,695 --> 00:42:45,867
That was that whole song.

995
00:42:45,930 --> 00:42:47,307
Can you be responsible?
Can you pay my bills?

996
00:42:47,364 --> 00:42:48,741
Can you be a man
who provides for me?

997
00:42:48,799 --> 00:42:49,971
Can you be... can you be there?

998
00:42:50,034 --> 00:42:51,240
Are you responsible?
Can you be there?

999
00:42:51,302 --> 00:42:52,713
And then we were like,
yeah, sure, yeah.

1000
00:42:52,770 --> 00:42:54,977
Dude, we can do that,
we can totally do that.

1001
00:42:55,039 --> 00:42:56,712
Not even a year later,

1002
00:42:56,774 --> 00:42:59,152
they come out with another song
called "Soldier,"

1003
00:42:59,209 --> 00:43:01,746
all about dudes who smoke weed
in the middle of the street

1004
00:43:01,812 --> 00:43:04,224
and shit, with two pit bulls
working out.

1005
00:43:04,281 --> 00:43:05,919
It was like, hey,
Destiny's Child,

1006
00:43:05,983 --> 00:43:08,589
make up your fucking mind, okay?

1007
00:43:08,652 --> 00:43:10,928
The dude working out
in the middle of the street

1008
00:43:10,988 --> 00:43:12,524
is not the dude
paying your bills.

1009
00:43:12,590 --> 00:43:14,194
I've never... I've never been...

1010
00:43:14,258 --> 00:43:17,705
I've never seen a 245-pound,
buff,

1011
00:43:17,761 --> 00:43:19,638
like ripped dude
wearing no shirt

1012
00:43:19,697 --> 00:43:21,802
wearing a bandana
and sunglasses,

1013
00:43:21,865 --> 00:43:23,674
holding a briefcase
at the bus stop, like,

1014
00:43:23,734 --> 00:43:25,771
"I'm gonna be late for
my data-input job at Google."

1015
00:43:28,505 --> 00:43:29,950
'Cause it doesn't exist.

1016
00:43:30,007 --> 00:43:31,315
You can't have a thug
and a working man.

1017
00:43:31,375 --> 00:43:32,547
They're not the same.

1018
00:43:32,610 --> 00:43:34,180
You can't have it,
like, that's...

1019
00:43:34,244 --> 00:43:36,986
I hate this "Sex & the City" guy
that every girl is looking for

1020
00:43:37,047 --> 00:43:38,253
where it's just like,

1021
00:43:38,315 --> 00:43:40,317
"Oh, he makes chairs,
but he also fixes babies."

1022
00:43:40,384 --> 00:43:42,955
That doesn't exist.

1023
00:43:43,020 --> 00:43:44,658
That dude doesn't exist, okay?

1024
00:43:44,722 --> 00:43:47,134
Being a girl and
wanting that type of dude

1025
00:43:47,191 --> 00:43:48,898
is kind of like being a dude
and being like,

1026
00:43:48,959 --> 00:43:54,739
"You know, I want a girl who
will willingly do butt stuff.

1027
00:43:54,798 --> 00:43:58,007
But I also want a girl who
wasn't molested."

1028
00:43:58,068 --> 00:44:01,208
Doesn't exist.

1029
00:44:01,271 --> 00:44:03,751
Doesn't exist.

1030
00:44:03,807 --> 00:44:06,515
No girl wants a penis
in the butt.

1031
00:44:06,577 --> 00:44:07,681
Sorry, guys-

1032
00:44:07,745 --> 00:44:08,849
No girl wants a penis
in the butt.

1033
00:44:08,912 --> 00:44:10,050
<i>Penises are gross.</i>

1034
00:44:10,114 --> 00:44:11,525
That's why we talk about them
all the time

1035
00:44:11,582 --> 00:44:13,220
and hold 'em and stuff,
'cause we know they're gross.

1036
00:44:13,283 --> 00:44:16,856
We're trying to talk 'em up like
a used-car salesman.

1037
00:44:16,920 --> 00:44:18,797
We're trying
to make 'em sound cool.

1038
00:44:18,856 --> 00:44:20,858
It's kind of like your friend
who bought a Zune

1039
00:44:20,924 --> 00:44:24,030
when everybody
else bought an iPod.

1040
00:44:24,094 --> 00:44:25,596
He keeps talking about
how awesome it is.

1041
00:44:25,663 --> 00:44:27,301
He's just like, oh, mine
has bigger battery power

1042
00:44:27,364 --> 00:44:28,604
and it picks up the radio.

1043
00:44:28,666 --> 00:44:31,510
It's like, "it's still a Zune,
nigga... nobody wants it.

1044
00:44:31,568 --> 00:44:33,309
Put it away."

1045
00:44:33,370 --> 00:44:34,508
"Obama has it!"

1046
00:44:34,571 --> 00:44:36,141
"Get out of here."

1047
00:44:42,513 --> 00:44:45,517
I'm sorry I'm being so crazy.

1048
00:44:45,582 --> 00:44:46,890
It's weird.

1049
00:44:46,950 --> 00:44:49,692
I mean, like, I grew up with,
a bunch of, like, kids,

1050
00:44:49,753 --> 00:44:53,895
and that's basically how
I learned all about,

1051
00:44:53,957 --> 00:44:55,664
like, insane stuff,

1052
00:44:55,726 --> 00:44:57,433
like all the crazy stuff
we used to do,

1053
00:44:57,494 --> 00:44:59,974
was like, that's
how we did it, and you know,

1054
00:45:00,030 --> 00:45:01,509
I want to make people happy.

1055
00:45:01,565 --> 00:45:03,442
And it's hard to find that
balance sometimes,

1056
00:45:03,500 --> 00:45:04,979
because like, I know I'm gross.

1057
00:45:05,035 --> 00:45:06,776
People laugh, but some people
think it's kind of gross, too.

1058
00:45:06,837 --> 00:45:08,316
But I always try to make
people happy.

1059
00:45:08,372 --> 00:45:11,353
Like, when I was a kid, like,
we had a bunch of kids come

1060
00:45:11,408 --> 00:45:14,480
and we had my cousins coming
over once,

1061
00:45:14,545 --> 00:45:16,491
all... like eight cousins.

1062
00:45:16,547 --> 00:45:18,117
They're all coming and I wanted
to do something,

1063
00:45:18,182 --> 00:45:19,217
like, special for them,

1064
00:45:19,283 --> 00:45:20,819
I wanted to do something
really cool,

1065
00:45:20,884 --> 00:45:22,864
so I used my allowance money,

1066
00:45:22,920 --> 00:45:24,297
which took me a long time
to get.

1067
00:45:24,354 --> 00:45:26,163
I had like... I get like a dollar
or two dollars, like, a week,

1068
00:45:26,223 --> 00:45:29,033
so I saved $20 and I went
to the store

1069
00:45:29,093 --> 00:45:32,074
and I bought all
the stuff to make s'mores.

1070
00:45:32,129 --> 00:45:33,802
And I was like, oh, I'm gonna
make s'mores with my cousins,

1071
00:45:33,864 --> 00:45:35,343
it's gonna be great.

1072
00:45:35,399 --> 00:45:37,140
I was like, this is my money, I
can do whatever I want with it.

1073
00:45:37,201 --> 00:45:39,511
I'm an independent woman.

1074
00:45:43,474 --> 00:45:45,886
So, like, I buy all that stuff
and then, I like,

1075
00:45:45,943 --> 00:45:47,786
take it home
and all my cousins are there

1076
00:45:47,845 --> 00:45:49,256
and I'm, like, handing out
the stuff.

1077
00:45:49,313 --> 00:45:52,294
But I bought two for me.

1078
00:45:52,349 --> 00:45:54,454
Like, I was like, it's my money,
you know, it's my money.

1079
00:45:54,518 --> 00:45:56,623
I'm gonna get two for me,
I'm the oldest, it's my money.

1080
00:45:56,687 --> 00:45:58,826
I'm gonna get two s'mores for
me, everybody else can get one.

1081
00:45:58,889 --> 00:46:00,163
It was just like, okay, cool.

1082
00:46:00,224 --> 00:46:01,794
I hand out the s'more stuff,
we're all getting crazy

1083
00:46:01,859 --> 00:46:03,429
and stuff, we're really excited,

1084
00:46:03,494 --> 00:46:05,974
and one of my cousins just looks
at it, looks at me,

1085
00:46:06,029 --> 00:46:07,474
and then he just goes...

1086
00:46:07,531 --> 00:46:09,511
(squishing sound )

1087
00:46:09,566 --> 00:46:10,943
It's not warmed up or anything,

1088
00:46:11,001 --> 00:46:14,278
he just took all the ingredients
and crushed them in his hand.

1089
00:46:14,338 --> 00:46:17,012
He was just like...
Just looking at it.

1090
00:46:17,074 --> 00:46:20,544
All my other cousins were like,
what the fuck is his problem?

1091
00:46:20,611 --> 00:46:22,887
What is going on with him?
He's a weirdo.

1092
00:46:22,946 --> 00:46:25,324
And he's just like... whatever,
so we make our s'mores,

1093
00:46:25,382 --> 00:46:26,520
they're really good,

1094
00:46:26,583 --> 00:46:28,324
we're making all our s'mores
on the stove

1095
00:46:28,385 --> 00:46:30,296
and we're just, like, oh,
this is so good, mm, mm, mm.

1096
00:46:30,354 --> 00:46:33,494
And he's just like...

1097
00:46:33,557 --> 00:46:37,232
"I broke it, my s'more,
I want a s'more."

1098
00:46:37,294 --> 00:46:39,296
And like, I was,
like, "You messed up,

1099
00:46:39,363 --> 00:46:40,933
"I'm sorry, dude, I don't know
what to do.

1100
00:46:40,998 --> 00:46:42,443
You... I saw you do it."

1101
00:46:42,499 --> 00:46:44,638
And my mom was like, "Donald,
give him the s'more."

1102
00:46:44,701 --> 00:46:45,873
And I was like, "What?"

1103
00:46:45,936 --> 00:46:47,313
She's like, "Just give him
the extra s'more.

1104
00:46:47,371 --> 00:46:48,850
He's crying,
give him the extra s'more."

1105
00:46:48,906 --> 00:46:51,182
And I was like, "No!

1106
00:46:51,241 --> 00:46:52,845
No, no, he can't have it,
this is mine."

1107
00:46:52,910 --> 00:46:55,220
Just like, "Donald, don't be
selfish, give him the s'more."

1108
00:46:55,279 --> 00:46:56,485
I'm like, "No!"

1109
00:46:56,547 --> 00:46:57,821
I was, like, crying.
I was like, "No, please!

1110
00:46:57,881 --> 00:46:59,292
This is my s'more, I did it
with my own money!"

1111
00:46:59,349 --> 00:47:00,726
She's like, "Donald,
you're being selfish,

1112
00:47:00,784 --> 00:47:02,491
this is your cousin, be nice to
him, give him the s'more."

1113
00:47:02,553 --> 00:47:04,260
And I'm like...

1114
00:47:04,321 --> 00:47:05,664
And I give him the s'more
and he's like...

1115
00:47:10,928 --> 00:47:14,569
So, you know, I've been getting
a little more famous lately.

1116
00:47:14,631 --> 00:47:16,804
You know, I'm on TV and stuff
like that,

1117
00:47:16,867 --> 00:47:18,972
so a lot of relatives
have been reaching out to me

1118
00:47:19,036 --> 00:47:20,344
and stuff like that.

1119
00:47:22,806 --> 00:47:25,719
So this cousin...

1120
00:47:25,776 --> 00:47:27,084
I find him on Face...

1121
00:47:27,144 --> 00:47:29,852
He contacts me on Facebook
and he's like,

1122
00:47:29,913 --> 00:47:31,187
"Hey, man, what's going on?"

1123
00:47:31,248 --> 00:47:33,250
I'm like, "Oh, hey,
how's it going?"

1124
00:47:33,317 --> 00:47:34,660
It's like, oh, we catch up,
we're going back and forth.

1125
00:47:34,718 --> 00:47:35,890
Like, "Oh, man, it's so great."

1126
00:47:35,953 --> 00:47:37,899
"Oh cool, how you doing?
I saw you on TV."

1127
00:47:37,955 --> 00:47:39,366
I'm like, "Oh, thanks,
man, that's really cool."

1128
00:47:39,423 --> 00:47:40,697
He's like, "Man, you're doing
big things,

1129
00:47:40,757 --> 00:47:42,134
that's awesome, man,
like, great."

1130
00:47:42,192 --> 00:47:43,500
"Thanks, man,"
he's like, "Yeah."

1131
00:47:43,560 --> 00:47:44,834
<i>I'm like. “How are you?“</i>

1132
00:47:44,895 --> 00:47:46,897
He's like, "Yeah, man, I...

1133
00:47:46,964 --> 00:47:48,272
"I got this girl pregnant, man.

1134
00:47:48,332 --> 00:47:51,745
I don't... I don't know
what to do."

1135
00:47:51,802 --> 00:47:55,944
And the first thing
that came to my head was...

1136
00:47:56,006 --> 00:47:57,007
good.

1137
00:48:05,883 --> 00:48:07,885
I'm glad.

1138
00:48:07,951 --> 00:48:10,090
I'm glad you're in a dilemma.

1139
00:48:10,153 --> 00:48:12,326
'Cause you ate my s'more.

1140
00:48:17,027 --> 00:48:20,668
I hope he comes out
and he's a giant s'more

1141
00:48:20,731 --> 00:48:23,678
and you crush him in your hand,

1142
00:48:23,734 --> 00:48:28,080
because that's what
you do to awesome stuff.

1143
00:48:28,138 --> 00:48:31,449
That's how fucked up I am.

1144
00:48:31,508 --> 00:48:33,920
This guy's having a serious
dilemma, like a serious thing.

1145
00:48:33,977 --> 00:48:35,923
This will... It's gonna change
his life forever either way

1146
00:48:35,979 --> 00:48:38,858
and I'm like, good!

1147
00:48:38,916 --> 00:48:40,122
That $2 s'more.

1148
00:48:40,183 --> 00:48:41,526
Yes, success, revenge!

1149
00:48:42,986 --> 00:48:44,226
So ridiculous.

1150
00:48:44,288 --> 00:48:46,063
<i>I like... 'Cause, like...
You know...</i>

1151
00:48:46,123 --> 00:48:48,034
'Cause that stuff is important
to you when you're a kid.

1152
00:48:48,091 --> 00:48:49,570
That stuff is really important.

1153
00:48:49,626 --> 00:48:51,105
Like, that was like the world
to me as a kid.

1154
00:48:51,161 --> 00:48:52,504
Like, we like...
'Cause kids love sugar.

1155
00:48:52,562 --> 00:48:54,064
Like, my brother, Steven,
loves sugar.

1156
00:48:54,131 --> 00:48:55,337
He loves sugar.

1157
00:48:55,399 --> 00:48:57,777
And I remember, like,
we weren't allowed to have

1158
00:48:57,834 --> 00:49:00,542
any sugary cereals as a kid,
we weren't.

1159
00:49:00,604 --> 00:49:02,345
We just weren't allowed
to have any sugary cereals.

1160
00:49:02,406 --> 00:49:03,680
And, like, my mom would,
like, get us...

1161
00:49:03,740 --> 00:49:05,276
Like the two cereals we were
allowed to have

1162
00:49:05,342 --> 00:49:07,583
was Cheerios and Kix,

1163
00:49:07,644 --> 00:49:12,491
and Cheerios is like
cardboard doo-doo,

1164
00:49:12,549 --> 00:49:15,723
and Kix is kind of
like the handjob of cereals.

1165
00:49:18,055 --> 00:49:19,466
It's like, a little sweet,
it's like...

1166
00:49:19,523 --> 00:49:21,503
It's the handjob of
cereals, 'cause it's like,

1167
00:49:21,558 --> 00:49:23,936
this is pretty good, but...

1168
00:49:23,994 --> 00:49:25,473
you know what I really want.

1169
00:49:31,735 --> 00:49:34,841
So, like, we would always go to
the store and my mom...

1170
00:49:34,905 --> 00:49:36,782
And my brother would be like,
"Mom, can we get Cocoa Puffs?

1171
00:49:36,840 --> 00:49:38,751
"I really want Cocoa Puffs!
Can we get Cocoa Puffs?

1172
00:49:38,809 --> 00:49:39,947
I want Cocoa Puffs!"

1173
00:49:40,010 --> 00:49:41,546
And my mom would be like,
"No, no, no, no, no,"

1174
00:49:41,611 --> 00:49:42,817
like, "No, we're not getting
Cocoa Puffs,

1175
00:49:42,879 --> 00:49:44,119
no sugar, no, no, no, no."

1176
00:49:44,181 --> 00:49:46,457
And then one day my brother
just snapped.

1177
00:49:46,516 --> 00:49:47,688
He just snapped.

1178
00:49:47,751 --> 00:49:51,255
He was just like, "Mom,
everyone's eating it!"

1179
00:49:57,794 --> 00:50:02,470
My mom goes...
grabs it and goes, "Fine."

1180
00:50:02,532 --> 00:50:05,138
Throws it in the cart
and just walks away

1181
00:50:05,202 --> 00:50:08,877
and me and my brother go, what?

1182
00:50:08,939 --> 00:50:12,819
It was that easy?

1183
00:50:12,876 --> 00:50:15,186
So we go home, we go home
and we're like skipping around,

1184
00:50:15,245 --> 00:50:17,350
we're like, yes, yes, yes!

1185
00:50:17,414 --> 00:50:19,416
We're gonna get Cocoa Puffs,
this is gonna be so awesome!

1186
00:50:19,483 --> 00:50:21,656
Yes, yes, yes, yes!
I can't wait.

1187
00:50:21,718 --> 00:50:23,129
Oh, this is gonna be so great,

1188
00:50:23,186 --> 00:50:25,063
we get to tell everybody at
school we had Cocoa Puffs!

1189
00:50:25,122 --> 00:50:27,796
<i>And she...</i>

1190
00:50:27,858 --> 00:50:30,498
My mom was a Tupperware woman.

1191
00:50:30,560 --> 00:50:34,098
And my mom goes over
to the cabinet

1192
00:50:34,164 --> 00:50:38,271
and does the most devious thing

1193
00:50:38,335 --> 00:50:42,283
I've ever seen anyone ever do.

1194
00:50:42,339 --> 00:50:46,651
She takes a big Tupperware
container meant for cereal,

1195
00:50:46,710 --> 00:50:48,849
like, one of those big things
that you pour and stuff,

1196
00:50:48,912 --> 00:50:53,691
opens it up, takes
a quarter of the Cocoa Puffs,

1197
00:50:53,750 --> 00:50:55,923
like, just the top, like 1/4th
of the Cocoa Puffs,

1198
00:50:55,986 --> 00:50:58,592
pours it in there, like...

1199
00:50:58,655 --> 00:51:02,432
Then takes a big 'ol box of Kix,

1200
00:51:02,492 --> 00:51:07,100
pours like the
whole thing on top of it,

1201
00:51:07,164 --> 00:51:09,770
shakes it up.

1202
00:51:09,833 --> 00:51:11,312
So like, the ratio is like,

1203
00:51:11,368 --> 00:51:14,872
13,000 Kix to one Cocoa Puff,

1204
00:51:14,938 --> 00:51:17,077
like, it was like one spot
of brown...

1205
00:51:17,140 --> 00:51:18,642
It looked like a Kanye concert.

1206
00:51:18,708 --> 00:51:21,951
That's what it looked like.

1207
00:51:22,012 --> 00:51:23,958
It looked like a Kanye concert.

1208
00:51:27,417 --> 00:51:31,058
She takes the box and slides it
across the table

1209
00:51:31,121 --> 00:51:34,591
and was like, "There you go."

1210
00:51:34,658 --> 00:51:36,467
And my brother's just like...

1211
00:51:36,526 --> 00:51:39,166
( crying )

1212
00:51:39,229 --> 00:51:42,642
And continues to pour himself
a bowl!

1213
00:51:42,699 --> 00:51:45,145
You bitch!

1214
00:51:45,202 --> 00:51:47,307
How could you ruin this?
Like, crying.

1215
00:51:47,370 --> 00:51:49,748
But he still ate it!

1216
00:51:49,806 --> 00:51:51,149
That's how much kids love sugar,

1217
00:51:51,208 --> 00:51:52,619
that's how much
my brother loves sugar.

1218
00:51:52,676 --> 00:51:53,814
He was an addict.

1219
00:51:53,877 --> 00:51:55,015
He could have been like,
fuck this,

1220
00:51:55,078 --> 00:51:56,113
I don't need this, whatever...

1221
00:51:56,179 --> 00:51:57,988
He was like,
"No, no, I still want it!

1222
00:51:58,048 --> 00:51:59,425
I still want it!"

1223
00:51:59,483 --> 00:52:02,692
It's just like, if you love
pizza and then a dude's like,

1224
00:52:02,752 --> 00:52:04,197
"Hey, you like pizza?"

1225
00:52:07,858 --> 00:52:09,838
"There you go!"

1226
00:52:09,893 --> 00:52:12,703
You're not gonna be like,
"Oh, you asshole!

1227
00:52:12,762 --> 00:52:13,797
You asshole!"

1228
00:52:13,864 --> 00:52:16,902
Don't eat the pizza!

1229
00:52:16,967 --> 00:52:18,605
Don't eat it!

1230
00:52:23,073 --> 00:52:24,746
There's not people lined up
around the block,

1231
00:52:24,808 --> 00:52:26,446
just like a Domino's,
like, "Oh, come on, baby.

1232
00:52:26,510 --> 00:52:28,319
I used to be a lawyer."

1233
00:52:31,114 --> 00:52:32,821
Don't eat it.

1234
00:52:35,785 --> 00:52:38,527
Like I said, like, I grew up
with a lot of foster parents...

1235
00:52:38,588 --> 00:52:40,829
foster kids and stuff like that.

1236
00:52:40,891 --> 00:52:42,802
Like, I mean, like, my parents
were my parents,

1237
00:52:42,859 --> 00:52:44,270
I never had foster parents,

1238
00:52:44,327 --> 00:52:46,102
but like, we had a lot of kids
going through there.

1239
00:52:46,163 --> 00:52:48,700
And that's how I learned about
all the stuff in the world,

1240
00:52:48,765 --> 00:52:50,904
like sex and all
that crazy stuff,

1241
00:52:50,967 --> 00:52:52,708
'cause they would talk
about this crazy stuff.

1242
00:52:52,769 --> 00:52:54,043
I'd be like, what?

1243
00:52:54,104 --> 00:52:55,242
Like, I was so, like, sheltered.

1244
00:52:55,305 --> 00:52:56,875
Like, my parents did a good job
about that.

1245
00:52:56,940 --> 00:52:58,283
Like, they did, like...

1246
00:52:58,341 --> 00:53:00,287
And it would be weird,
because I remember

1247
00:53:00,343 --> 00:53:01,879
we would have kids coming in.

1248
00:53:01,945 --> 00:53:03,481
And Dimarco's like
my little brother,

1249
00:53:03,547 --> 00:53:05,117
and he's adopted, but we had him
since he was little,

1250
00:53:05,182 --> 00:53:07,355
so he's like, my real brother,
for all intents and purposes,

1251
00:53:07,417 --> 00:53:09,260
like, he was there
since he was a baby.

1252
00:53:09,319 --> 00:53:11,492
So, like, I would mess with him
like he was my little brother,

1253
00:53:11,555 --> 00:53:13,796
like, I'd be on the top bunk
and he'd be on the bottom bunk,

1254
00:53:13,857 --> 00:53:15,427
I'd be on the top and be like,

1255
00:53:15,492 --> 00:53:17,836
"Hey, Dimarco."

1256
00:53:17,894 --> 00:53:21,103
He'd be like, "What?"

1257
00:53:21,164 --> 00:53:25,408
I'd be like,
"When you fall asleep,

1258
00:53:25,468 --> 00:53:27,641
I'm gonna piss in your mouth."

1259
00:53:27,704 --> 00:53:28,842
"stop!"

1260
00:53:28,905 --> 00:53:30,475
And my dad would be like,
"Quiet down in there!

1261
00:53:30,540 --> 00:53:32,486
I'm trying to
masturbate in the den!"

1262
00:53:40,817 --> 00:53:43,320
You can't do that stuff to kids
who have been in the system.

1263
00:53:43,386 --> 00:53:45,024
You can't do that stuff
to kids who have been in...

1264
00:53:45,088 --> 00:53:46,567
like, in house after house,

1265
00:53:46,623 --> 00:53:47,966
like, because they've been in
the system too long.

1266
00:53:48,024 --> 00:53:49,435
They're too rough.

1267
00:53:49,492 --> 00:53:51,665
Like, I tried to pull this stuff
on this kid named, like, Teddy.

1268
00:53:51,728 --> 00:53:53,036
I tried to pull it.

1269
00:53:53,096 --> 00:53:54,575
You know, I was, like,
on the top bunk and I was like,

1270
00:53:54,631 --> 00:53:56,907
"Hey, Teddy."

1271
00:53:56,967 --> 00:53:58,947
And he was like, "What?"

1272
00:54:02,205 --> 00:54:04,776
And I was like,
"When you fall asleep..."

1273
00:54:09,779 --> 00:54:12,487
"... I'm gonna pee
in your mouth."

1274
00:54:12,549 --> 00:54:14,028
And he was like,

1275
00:54:14,084 --> 00:54:16,064
"You piss in my mouth, I'm gonna
bite your dick off."

1276
00:54:23,126 --> 00:54:25,003
And I was like, "Good night!"

1277
00:54:32,936 --> 00:54:35,280
Like, terrified.

1278
00:54:35,872 --> 00:54:37,681
Like, every Saturday morning,

1279
00:54:37,741 --> 00:54:39,152
we would come down
and we would, like,

1280
00:54:39,209 --> 00:54:40,688
rule the whole house, 'cause
there was, like, a bunch of us,

1281
00:54:40,744 --> 00:54:42,690
not including my cousins that
would come over sometimes,

1282
00:54:42,746 --> 00:54:44,191
and some kids my mom
would babysit.

1283
00:54:44,247 --> 00:54:45,419
So there's like a bunch of us,

1284
00:54:45,482 --> 00:54:46,790
there's eight of us
just jumping around,

1285
00:54:46,850 --> 00:54:48,454
banging around the walls,
just like going crazy

1286
00:54:48,518 --> 00:54:50,225
and my mom would be like,
"Get these kids out of here,

1287
00:54:50,287 --> 00:54:51,595
they're driving me nuts."

1288
00:54:51,655 --> 00:54:53,032
And my...
Where do you want to go?

1289
00:54:53,089 --> 00:54:54,466
Where do you want to go
on a Saturday morning

1290
00:54:54,524 --> 00:54:55,696
more than anywhere else,
where do you want to go?

1291
00:54:55,759 --> 00:54:56,635
Where?

1292
00:54:56,693 --> 00:54:57,797
Where?

1293
00:54:57,861 --> 00:54:58,839
Park.

1294
00:54:58,895 --> 00:55:01,739
Park, I heard park.

1295
00:55:01,798 --> 00:55:05,041
Chuck E. Cheese makes me
really sad.

1296
00:55:05,101 --> 00:55:06,842
Someone had a stepdad.

1297
00:55:13,677 --> 00:55:16,624
"Yeah, Chuck E. Cheese,
whatever.

1298
00:55:16,680 --> 00:55:19,752
I'm gonna go call your new mom."

1299
00:55:19,816 --> 00:55:22,228
Oh, "new mom" hit a sore spot
for a lot of people.

1300
00:55:25,288 --> 00:55:26,767
No, but it was like...

1301
00:55:26,823 --> 00:55:29,599
Yeah, you go to
Toys R' Us, guys.

1302
00:55:29,659 --> 00:55:30,763
Toys R' Us.

1303
00:55:30,827 --> 00:55:31,965
That's where you want to go.

1304
00:55:32,028 --> 00:55:34,702
Toys R' Us was
the illest place on Earth.

1305
00:55:34,764 --> 00:55:36,004
It was so dope.

1306
00:55:36,066 --> 00:55:37,409
Like, Toys R' Us was so dope,

1307
00:55:37,467 --> 00:55:38,912
you didn't even need to go home
with anything.

1308
00:55:38,968 --> 00:55:40,311
<i>That was how awesome it was.</i>

1309
00:55:40,370 --> 00:55:41,713
Sometimes you just
want to hang out there,

1310
00:55:41,771 --> 00:55:43,148
just look at all the new stuff,

1311
00:55:43,206 --> 00:55:44,583
get on bikes,
like, ride 'em in the aisles.

1312
00:55:44,641 --> 00:55:46,086
And somebody'd be like,
"Hey, get off that,

1313
00:55:46,142 --> 00:55:47,314
you can't do that!"

1314
00:55:47,377 --> 00:55:48,583
And you'd be like,
"Oh, I'm sorry."

1315
00:55:48,645 --> 00:55:49,715
And as soon as they turn
the corner, you'd be like...

1316
00:55:49,779 --> 00:55:51,383
"Ahh, fuck you!"

1317
00:55:51,448 --> 00:55:53,894
Just run around, be awesome.

1318
00:55:53,950 --> 00:55:57,591
But like, we would always ask
to go to Toys R' Us.

1319
00:55:57,654 --> 00:56:00,658
We'd go, like, "Dad,
Dad, can we go to Toys R' Us?

1320
00:56:00,724 --> 00:56:02,294
We really want to go
to Toys R' Us."

1321
00:56:02,359 --> 00:56:03,861
My dad would be like, "You guys
want to go to Toys R' Us?"

1322
00:56:03,927 --> 00:56:05,338
We'd be like,
"Yeah, we really want to!

1323
00:56:05,395 --> 00:56:06,533
Let's go to Toys R' Us!"

1324
00:56:06,596 --> 00:56:07,836
He'd be like,
"Well, get in the van.

1325
00:56:07,897 --> 00:56:09,399
We're like, "Yes, we're going
to Toys R' Us!

1326
00:56:09,466 --> 00:56:12,140
We're going to Toys R' Us,
we're going to Toys R' Us."

1327
00:56:12,202 --> 00:56:13,704
Toys R' Us dance.

1328
00:56:17,540 --> 00:56:19,645
We get in the van, we're like
all happy and stuff,

1329
00:56:19,709 --> 00:56:21,416
like, yes, we're going to Toys
R' Us, we're going to Toys...

1330
00:56:21,478 --> 00:56:23,048
We're going to Toys R' Us!

1331
00:56:23,113 --> 00:56:24,114
Toys R' Us!

1332
00:56:24,180 --> 00:56:25,181
Toys R' Us!

1333
00:56:25,248 --> 00:56:27,854
And we never went to Toys R' Us.

1334
00:56:27,917 --> 00:56:29,760
We never went to Toys R' Us.

1335
00:56:29,819 --> 00:56:31,662
We always went to fucking
Auschwitz for kids,

1336
00:56:31,721 --> 00:56:33,223
fucking Home Depot.

1337
00:56:33,289 --> 00:56:35,360
Fucking worst...

1338
00:56:38,194 --> 00:56:40,834
Worst place on Earth.

1339
00:56:40,897 --> 00:56:42,501
Fucking hate Home Depot.

1340
00:56:42,565 --> 00:56:44,238
I hate it.

1341
00:56:44,300 --> 00:56:45,802
It's the worst place, 'cause
that's where your childhood

1342
00:56:45,869 --> 00:56:47,610
goes to die, it really is.

1343
00:56:47,670 --> 00:56:48,978
It's where your childhood
goes to die.

1344
00:56:49,038 --> 00:56:51,882
The second... The one day
you walk into a Home Depot

1345
00:56:51,941 --> 00:56:56,117
and you're like, "Oh, knobs,"
you're dead.

1346
00:56:56,179 --> 00:56:57,783
You're dead inside.

1347
00:56:57,847 --> 00:56:59,417
'Cause all of us have had that
moment when we're at Home Depot

1348
00:56:59,482 --> 00:57:01,553
and was like, "Oh, that's a cute
little mailbox."

1349
00:57:01,618 --> 00:57:04,224
Bury your dreams 'cause
you're not a kid anymore.

1350
00:57:04,287 --> 00:57:05,925
You're dead.

1351
00:57:08,925 --> 00:57:10,427
And we would always go in there

1352
00:57:10,493 --> 00:57:11,938
and it's the worst place
as a kid,

1353
00:57:11,995 --> 00:57:14,168
it's the worst place ever,
because you want to touch stuff,

1354
00:57:14,230 --> 00:57:16,369
you want to hang out, and then,
just a bunch of

1355
00:57:16,433 --> 00:57:17,844
quiet adults
looking around like,

1356
00:57:17,901 --> 00:57:19,312
"Oh, don't touch that,
that's sharp.

1357
00:57:19,369 --> 00:57:20,575
Hmm, I can make
my house a mansion."

1358
00:57:20,637 --> 00:57:22,048
No, you can't.

1359
00:57:22,105 --> 00:57:23,482
You can't make your house a
mansion with a bunch of 2 X 4s.

1360
00:57:23,540 --> 00:57:25,042
Like, it's not gonna do
anything.

1361
00:57:25,108 --> 00:57:28,920
So it was me,
my brother and this new kid

1362
00:57:28,978 --> 00:57:31,754
we had just gotten named Terry,

1363
00:57:31,815 --> 00:57:33,761
and he was new, brand new.

1364
00:57:33,817 --> 00:57:36,093
And we go in there, we're like,
"Hey, come on, let's go."

1365
00:57:36,152 --> 00:57:37,597
He's like, "What?"

1366
00:57:37,654 --> 00:57:40,794
And we go to the toilet section
and we pretend to take shits.

1367
00:57:40,857 --> 00:57:42,200
Like, that was a fun thing.

1368
00:57:42,258 --> 00:57:45,364
We'd go to the toilet section
and pretend to make poops.

1369
00:57:45,428 --> 00:57:47,032
Like, we'd go over to the toilet
and be like...

1370
00:57:49,132 --> 00:57:52,670
"I ate a lot of beans," like,
and that was, like, a fun thing.

1371
00:57:55,038 --> 00:57:56,779
"Ooh, I must have had
a lot of fruit."

1372
00:57:56,840 --> 00:58:01,311
Like, that was, like
the fun... the fun thing to do.

1373
00:58:01,377 --> 00:58:04,119
And Terry went over and took
a real shit.

1374
00:58:07,584 --> 00:58:09,621
And I remember it so vividly

1375
00:58:09,686 --> 00:58:12,895
because he pulled down
his pants.

1376
00:58:12,956 --> 00:58:15,402
And I remember thinking...

1377
00:58:15,458 --> 00:58:17,335
he doesn't have to do that.

1378
00:58:22,866 --> 00:58:24,504
And he sat down
and he just goes...

1379
00:58:32,008 --> 00:58:34,887
And he gets up.

1380
00:58:34,944 --> 00:58:38,221
And me and my brother
look at each other.

1381
00:58:42,852 --> 00:58:47,301
And no one in here knows fear

1382
00:58:47,357 --> 00:58:50,668
until you've seen a dry turd

1383
00:58:50,727 --> 00:58:52,468
in the middle of Home Depot...

1384
00:58:57,333 --> 00:59:01,577
at 11:00 a.m. in the morning.

1385
00:59:01,638 --> 00:59:04,346
People are eating waffles
and jogging.

1386
00:59:04,407 --> 00:59:05,750
People are like,
"Muah, I love you, honey,

1387
00:59:05,808 --> 00:59:07,185
I'm gonna go to work."

1388
00:59:07,243 --> 00:59:09,280
And someone pooped in the middle
of Home Depot.

1389
00:59:09,345 --> 00:59:11,757
And I think my brother
kind of lost it for a second.

1390
00:59:11,814 --> 00:59:13,657
He kind of went crazy
for one second,

1391
00:59:13,716 --> 00:59:14,956
'cause he was like...

1392
00:59:15,018 --> 00:59:18,158
"I'm... I'm...

1393
00:59:18,221 --> 00:59:19,427
I'm gonna try and flush it."

1394
00:59:19,489 --> 00:59:21,469
I was like, "What are you
talking about?

1395
00:59:21,524 --> 00:59:23,435
"There's no water!

1396
00:59:23,493 --> 00:59:25,200
"We're in the middle of
Home Depot!

1397
00:59:25,261 --> 00:59:27,434
We're right by
a washing machine!"

1398
00:59:27,497 --> 00:59:29,340
And like... We're freaking out.

1399
00:59:29,399 --> 00:59:30,810
"We're dead, we're dead,
we're gonna die.

1400
00:59:30,867 --> 00:59:32,039
"We're dead meat.

1401
00:59:32,101 --> 00:59:33,546
Oh, my God, we're gonna die,
we're dead meat."

1402
00:59:33,603 --> 00:59:35,310
And then, like, I look over at
Terry and Terry's freaking out,

1403
00:59:35,371 --> 00:59:37,078
he's like, "I don't wanna go
back to the house.

1404
00:59:37,140 --> 00:59:38,517
I don't want to
go back to the other place."

1405
00:59:38,575 --> 00:59:41,146
And I just grabbed him and I was
like, "Get it together, Terry!

1406
00:59:41,210 --> 00:59:43,850
"Get your shit together.

1407
00:59:43,913 --> 00:59:45,449
"We are no longer children.

1408
00:59:45,515 --> 00:59:49,327
"You took that
away from us, man.

1409
00:59:49,385 --> 00:59:52,594
"You took that away from us.

1410
00:59:52,655 --> 00:59:54,100
Get your shit together."

1411
00:59:54,157 --> 00:59:55,465
So, we're freaking out, like,
"what are we gonna do?"

1412
00:59:55,525 --> 00:59:57,527
And I'm like, "Okay,
I'm the oldest, I'm the oldest.

1413
00:59:57,594 --> 00:59:59,733
Okay, I'm the oldest."

1414
00:59:59,796 --> 01:00:03,608
So I run to the toilet-seat
section,

1415
01:00:03,666 --> 01:00:07,136
pick up a toilet-seat box,

1416
01:00:07,203 --> 01:00:09,376
and just put it on top.

1417
01:00:17,714 --> 01:00:19,694
Still in the box,

1418
01:00:19,749 --> 01:00:24,255
just a box with a picture of
a toilet seat on it,

1419
01:00:24,320 --> 01:00:26,129
on top of a turd.

1420
01:00:31,227 --> 01:00:33,571
And I look at my brothers
and I was like,

1421
01:00:33,630 --> 01:00:36,076
"Let's just fade away, guys.

1422
01:00:36,132 --> 01:00:39,079
"Blood oath, right?

1423
01:00:39,135 --> 01:00:40,580
Just fade away."

1424
01:00:47,176 --> 01:00:51,625
And then for, like...
like for five minutes.

1425
01:00:51,681 --> 01:00:53,558
Like, my little brothers, like,
they hid underneath some, like,

1426
01:00:53,616 --> 01:00:55,823
2 X 4s for, like five minutes,

1427
01:00:55,885 --> 01:00:58,331
and like for ten minutes,
I hid in, like, some rakes.

1428
01:01:01,491 --> 01:01:03,801
Just be...

1429
01:01:03,860 --> 01:01:06,773
super quiet.

1430
01:01:06,829 --> 01:01:09,469
And for the next five minutes,

1431
01:01:09,532 --> 01:01:12,308
we were the most well-behaved
kids in Home Depot history.

1432
01:01:12,368 --> 01:01:13,472
Like we were the most...

1433
01:01:13,536 --> 01:01:15,106
Like kids are just going,
"I don't wanna be here."

1434
01:01:15,171 --> 01:01:17,048
And we were like,
"What's wrong with that kid?

1435
01:01:17,106 --> 01:01:18,380
Need a back massage, Dad?"

1436
01:01:18,441 --> 01:01:19,818
And my Dad was like, "Whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

1437
01:01:19,876 --> 01:01:24,120
What's... What's going on?"

1438
01:01:24,180 --> 01:01:27,957
And we, like,
look at him and he goes,

1439
01:01:28,017 --> 01:01:31,555
"You want to go to Toys R' Us."

1440
01:01:31,621 --> 01:01:33,362
"All right, well, you didn't
have to work that hard,

1441
01:01:33,423 --> 01:01:34,697
it's okay."

1442
01:01:34,757 --> 01:01:36,668
And he goes and me and my
brother look at each other and...

1443
01:01:40,363 --> 01:01:43,537
"What the fuck?

1444
01:01:43,599 --> 01:01:47,103
"We... we gotta shit in stuff
more often.

1445
01:01:47,170 --> 01:01:49,741
We have to poop
in stuff more often."

1446
01:01:49,806 --> 01:01:53,413
But we look over at Terry
and Terry's losing it,

1447
01:01:53,476 --> 01:01:55,114
he's never
lied like that before.

1448
01:01:55,178 --> 01:01:57,249
So he's just standing there...
He can't look at my dad,

1449
01:01:57,313 --> 01:01:58,883
he's like, freaking out,
shaking and stuff like that,

1450
01:01:58,948 --> 01:02:00,621
I'm like, "Terry,
we're almost home-free.

1451
01:02:00,683 --> 01:02:02,185
"Just hold on,
we're almost there.

1452
01:02:02,251 --> 01:02:03,525
Just hold on, we're
almost there."

1453
01:02:03,586 --> 01:02:04,894
And that's when we hear it.

1454
01:02:04,954 --> 01:02:07,195
That's when we hear the loudest
sound I've ever heard

1455
01:02:07,256 --> 01:02:08,963
in my entire life.

1456
01:02:09,025 --> 01:02:10,436
And it was...

1457
01:02:10,493 --> 01:02:12,234
"Oh, my God!"

1458
01:02:16,432 --> 01:02:19,936
And it was the...

1459
01:02:20,002 --> 01:02:23,643
oldest Asian woman
I've ever seen,

1460
01:02:23,706 --> 01:02:25,447
just on the ground, like...

1461
01:02:29,512 --> 01:02:31,719
<i>"Poop!</i>

1462
01:02:31,781 --> 01:02:33,055
Poop"

1463
01:02:36,652 --> 01:02:40,327
And she didn't know much
English, but she knew "poop,"

1464
01:02:40,389 --> 01:02:41,959
and she was screaming it.

1465
01:02:42,024 --> 01:02:43,401
And the manager runs over,
he's like,

1466
01:02:43,459 --> 01:02:44,802
"What's... what's wrong?
What's going on?

1467
01:02:44,861 --> 01:02:46,602
What“ what-J'

1468
01:02:55,671 --> 01:02:57,981
"Oh, my God!"

1469
01:02:58,040 --> 01:02:59,212
Like, he's screaming.

1470
01:02:59,275 --> 01:03:01,016
"Someone pooped in the toilet!"

1471
01:03:01,077 --> 01:03:02,351
And then, like,
adults run over there.

1472
01:03:02,411 --> 01:03:03,947
"What's going on?
Oh, my God, who did this?"

1473
01:03:09,352 --> 01:03:11,298
Everybody's screaming, crying
and stuff like that.

1474
01:03:11,354 --> 01:03:13,356
It was like the end of
the movie "Se7en" and shit.

1475
01:03:13,422 --> 01:03:15,732
Everybody's crying.

1476
01:03:15,792 --> 01:03:17,328
Morgan Freeman was there,
he's like,

1477
01:03:17,393 --> 01:03:18,997
"Oh, how can someone do this?"

1478
01:03:19,061 --> 01:03:21,234
Like, everyone's going nuts.

1479
01:03:21,297 --> 01:03:24,471
I've never seen this many adults
cry in my entire life.

1480
01:03:24,534 --> 01:03:26,514
Never.

1481
01:03:26,569 --> 01:03:29,243
And the thing that gave us away,
the thing that gave us away

1482
01:03:29,305 --> 01:03:31,911
was that everybody,
everyone is running,

1483
01:03:31,974 --> 01:03:35,114
everyone is screaming,
everyone's crying...

1484
01:03:35,178 --> 01:03:38,557
and me and my brothers

1485
01:03:38,614 --> 01:03:40,389
are like statue kids.

1486
01:03:47,156 --> 01:03:48,601
We're just staring at my dad
just like,

1487
01:03:48,658 --> 01:03:51,264
maybe if we don't move

1488
01:03:51,327 --> 01:03:55,104
and we don't breathe
like normal kids do,

1489
01:03:55,164 --> 01:03:57,610
he'll know that
everything's fine

1490
01:03:57,667 --> 01:03:59,874
because we haven't
moved for 20 minutes.

1491
01:04:04,307 --> 01:04:07,379
And he looks at us,

1492
01:04:07,443 --> 01:04:10,754
looks at the poop,

1493
01:04:10,813 --> 01:04:13,350
looks back at us

1494
01:04:13,416 --> 01:04:16,761
and goes...

1495
01:04:16,819 --> 01:04:18,025
"Let's go."

1496
01:04:18,087 --> 01:04:19,430
And we all ran out.

1497
01:04:20,489 --> 01:04:22,400
You guys have been so awesome.

1498
01:04:24,694 --> 01:04:26,765
Thank you guys so much,
I really appreciate it.

1499
01:04:26,829 --> 01:04:29,673
( Cheers and applause )

1500
01:04:29,732 --> 01:04:31,211
Night.