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[HIP HOP MUSIC FADES IN]
Subtitles by explosiveskull www.OpenSubtitles.org
♪ Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo ♪
♪ Pullin up. Pullin up. Shut it down when I'm pulling up ♪
♪ Come around when I'm pulling up ♪
♪ In my town and I'm pullin up ♪
♪ Ready for anything. Anyone. Know that I get it done ♪
♪ In a Benz I be pullin up ♪
♪ Tell your friends cause I'm pullin' up ♪
♪ Ready or not I'll be pullin up ♪
♪ Remember they say I'm not good enough ♪
♪ I took all that energy and turned it to greatness ♪
♪ Now look at my life man it's looking amazing ♪
♪ Now I'm ready for anything, anyone ♪
♪ I've been so ready for everything I've become ♪
♪ When I was stuck I had no other option ♪
♪ But I believed in myself when this shit was a poppin ♪
♪ I got it like that. Who you know that got it like that ♪
♪ Who you know getting degrees ♪
♪ and rapping like they got diplomas in rap ♪
♪ Made it this far and I still got a lot to accomplish ♪
♪ And I know they believe it ♪
♪ I'm talking to Renos Stramelli to Sweden ♪
♪ I never stop winning I feel undefeated ♪
♪ I come to your city and everyone ♪
♪ Pullin up. Pullin up. Shut it down when I'm pulling up ♪
♪ Come around when I'm pulling up ♪
♪ In my town and I'm pullin up ♪
♪ Ready for anything. Anyone. Know that I get it done ♪
♪ In a Benz I be pullin up ♪
♪ Tell your friends cause I'm pullin' up ♪
♪ Pullin up. Shut it down when I'm pulling up ♪
♪ Come around when I'm pulling up ♪
♪ In my town and I'm pullin up ♪
♪ Ready for anything. Anyone. Know that I get it done ♪
♪ In a Benz I be pullin up ♪
♪ Tell your friends cause I'm pullin' up ♪
♪ Anything. Anyone. Know that I get it done ♪
♪ In a Benz I be pullin up ♪
♪ Tell your friends cause I'm pullin' up ♪
[MUSIC FADES]
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
[SYNTH SOUNDTRACK]
[ROOSTER CROWS]
[AIRHORN BLOWS]
RICH: What the hell, Dad?
EARL: Time to wake up! Come on, the WBL waits for no man!
You want it? You gotta earn it!
It's 6 in the morning.
Yes, that means it's training time. Come on.
Richie, come on.
Playing professional basketball used to be my dream
and now that dream is dead.
Dead. So now it's your dream and
I'm gonna be there every step of the way helping you realize it,
ok? Alright.
Gee. Thanks, Dad.
You're welcome son. Now get your bony ass up out of bed and
meet me on the driveway in 5 minutes.
Alright, there!
Now meet me out there in 5 minutes
or I'm gonna fold this thing and I'm gonna make a Richie sandwich
out of you. 5 minutes, let's go!
[SYNTH MUSIC RETURNS]
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
Morning.
Aren't these the guys that
you hired at Home Depot last week?
Yeah, they are.
Aren't they finished?
No. They're not finished because they've got one more job to do
which if they do correctly, they'll get a little extra
scratch because it's Christmas and I gotta heart.
It's Christmas?
[DECK THE HALLS]
FATHER ON THE STREET: Awe, you're doing great, son!
For them it's Christmas. It's not Christmas for you until
you run the carwash drill.
There's a whole house of presents inside, Rich.
There's a skateboard. There's a...
There's some clothes. All kinds of cool stuff and I will
burn them on this god damned
driveway unless you score in this drill.
WOMAN: Merry Christmas, Richie.
Shut up!
Alright, Bring it. Let's go. Christmas is for winners!
Now let's go!
What? You gonna cry? You gonna cry and be
a little cry baby and you gonna quit? Wanna call mommy? Well you
can call her but she won't pick up the phone because she left us
both to go be a sister wife!
What? You can't be both.
Now get up and do it again. And hey,
this comes from a place of love.
If I didn't love you, you wouldn't have the helmet.
Now do it again.
You want to be a winner or do you want to be a loser, Rich?
Huh?
Winner or loser?
Rich is gonna be a winner. Now let's go.
[DRAMATIC SYNTH]
[HEART BEAT]
[LOUD BASKETBALL ARENA]
ANNOUNCER: Royals down by one. Seven seconds left.
This is where legends are made and dreams are crushed.
The fans couldn't have asked for a more exciting
start to the WBL Finals. Rich Johnson, he promised to
bring a championship to Sacramento after a 40-year
drought and a win here would put them one step closer!
Stivers is wide open! God, Jerry, what a hog!
JERRY: He is not gonna pass the ball. Rich is going one on one.
Strictly isoball and throwing up trash in here for the win.
[BUZZER BEEPS]
ANNOUNCER: Wow! Unbelievable. If you don't like that,
you don't like Royals basketball.
I love Royals basketball!
[CROWD CHEERS]
Joe Riley live here. The game has just ended.
It's very exciting. We're trying to reach one of the Rich! Rich.
RICH: Freddie, Fred, Fred we did it, man. We did it, Fred!
Uh, Joe.
Sorry, Joe. Wait, when did you change that?
At birth.
Hey man, I've just gotta say look, I mean.
I gotta thank the big man himself. I want to thank me.
That looked like an impossible shot at the end there.
Freddie, I'm kidding. Joe, um,
look, my shot was just dropping tonight. What can I say?
It was falling.
You're kidding? You shot 28%.
Yeah well you know I was double and I was
triple teamed but you know,
look, the ball just does what Rich Johnson tells it to do.
Boom! I would love to stay and chat, but my fan club awaits.
Rich Johnson! Out!
Rich Johnson's out.
FAN 1: Hey, Rich! Hey, Rich! Can I have your Jersey please?
What, this one? Oh, you know what? It's going on sale on eBay
tonight at around midnight.
I hope you can stay up.
[CROWD BOOS]
[CRYING]
Yeah, ah ha.
Boom, my man. Yes!
There we go. Up high. Yeah. Coach, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah. My man. Oh, that's cold. What's up, bro?
Yeah. Oh, it's gonna be a good one!
[WET TOWEL SNAPS]
GIVENS: Oh!
Oh, come on. I barely touched him. I barely touched him.
Yeah. He'll be fine. Oh yeah, fellas.
This is what I'm talking about.
Boom, two, three championship rings.
Oh my hand is so heavy. Oh, it's throwing my back out. Oh, yeah.
You know rookie. You've gotta play at least one minute if you
want to get one of these. Nah, I'm just playing.
I'm just playing. No, you get one but it says equipment
manager on it. I'm playing with you rook, come on, relax.
[WET TOWEL SNAP]
Oh, come on. Whooh!
Oh man. Hey, you know what? Guys listen up.
Give me this. Guys, listen up.
Look, we are three wins away
from the WBL Championship, ok?
And I did not get traded here to Sac town to lose.
Now, now, listen here. If I have to, I will put all you
on my back and I will personally carry you all across the finish
line, alright? It's been a dream of my dad's
It's been a dream of
mine to bring a championship here to Sac Town.
So all you gotta do is trust in Rich and then just come to the
Championship parade. Rich Johnson out!
STIVERS: I'm not sure that door
is big enough for his ego to fit through, man.
[FANS RAMBLING]
No, no, no, no, no, sorry. Gotta go, gotta go.
ROOKIE: I really hate that guy.
[HIP HOP MUSIC]
Good morning. Good morning.
What's this? I ordered Eggs Benedict.
LIZ: Eat your cereal, Earl.
This cereal tastes like a fruity
Oh, yeah. Fastest hands in the WBL.
That's your first steal of the year.
Hey, how to I hear the replay from my game winning shot?
Why don't you use my new gift that I gave ya?
Ooh, right here.
[GROANS] Are you ok?
Yeah. No, I'm fine. I'm uh, I'm fine. Ok, uh
Alicia, play some Rich Johnson highlights.
ALICIA: Johnson. A slang term commonly
used for the word 'penis'.
Other terms include dick, schlong, wang, dong, shvantz
Ok, honey. I think you have a few minutes before school
starts to show daddy those costumes. Remember, you're going
to model her costume that she made just for you.
Oh yeah. The uh, nerd fest.
JENNY: CostumeCon, Daddy.
It's my bad, sorry. Yeah I guess it kind of looks like me.
It could be a little bigger.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Looks great, honey. It's just like me. Good job.
You fight crime by being the best athlete in the
universe. You throw basketballs at super villains.
And the villains never know when he's gonna throw balls at them.
Just like his teammates in real life.
Funny mommy. Funny mommy.
Ok, go. You're gonna make her late.
Oh and don't forget you're
gonna coach Jenny's game at 5:30.
Oh yeah, of course. But first I've gotta take the jet.
I've gotta go see the Dr. in San Francisco.
But I'm gonna remember. I'm gonna be there.
Don't worry. I said I'd be there.
I'm gonna be there too.
No, you're not because you're
already suspended for the rest of the season.
Really? You think that's gonna keep me out of there? Please.
Cause you've got a plan.
I've got a plan and my plan is to get uh, nope, you've gotta
get me Eggs Benedict.
Oh, double or nothing, bacon. Oh! Nice.
[TIRES SCREECHING]
[SCREAMING CROWD]
Alright, thank you.
Here we go, grandma. Come on.
FAN 1: Rich, what're you doing here?
I'm just helping with grandma.
She needs new glasses for her glaucoma.
We're huge Royals fans.
Your grandson is going to lead us to the first WBL Championship
in over 40 years. You must be so proud.
FAN 2: Dude, she is such a GILF.
What the hell is that?
It's like a MILF but for grandmas.
Do you think she's single?
Yeah I think she's single because all of her options are
either dead or can't get it up anymore.
What the hell is wrong with you?
Hey, people have done a lot worse things to become famous,
alright? Hey baby, if you were on Tinder I'd slide right...
into your panties.
Nice.
Diapers?
FAN 3: She's out of your league Q-tip.
You lost.
[WHIRRING SOUND]
[THUD]
[POPPING SOUND]
Um, what if we tried that from a different angle?
DOCTOR: We did. I don't know what to tell you Mr. Johnson.
How about the bottom line?
Ok well, the bottom line is, I'm the fifth doctor you've seen and
we all share the same diagnosis.
Your days of playing on that
knee are coming to an end.
Rich, Father Time is undefeated for a reason.
Hey Rich, my son gave me that.
These doctors don't know shit.
Screw you. Screw you, father time. Screw you.
If Tom Brady can do it then so can I.
Shit! Shit! Shit!
Sorry, was I just thinking out loud?
OLD LADY: Jesus Christ! You scream like a bitch!
Hey, thanks a lot for coming today.
Here's the 50 bucks I told you I'd give you plus an
extra 10 cause you had to hear all those naughty words.
Do I get to keep the glasses?
Yeah. They look good on you.
Bullshit.
I'm gonna turn them in for the bottle deposit before the
sun hits them and lights my freaking' face on fire.
Just remember, you can't tell anyone what you
just heard. That's part of the deal.
500 bucks.
What?
You heard me. Five Benjamins or I tell everybody the doc said
you shouldn't be playing anymore.
On second thought, maybe I should
say something so Stivers doesn't get caught under the hoop with
his dick in his hands next time.
You've gotta be kidding me.
Three, four, five, there.
And, I'll take your watch.
No.
What, I gotta buy you dinner now too?
No, you're not my type.
Hey Captain. Can this thing drop me at a Red Lobster?
[ROCK BEAT]
Alright guys. Just chill out. Just relax.
I know you guys...
I know you guys know me as like a globally famous athlete.
Ok, you've seen the commercials.
You've seen the sponsorship deals you know.
Guys look guys, chill out. Ok? I'm just a man.
I'm just a man, a man who
loves winning. Yeah, winning!
That's what I'm talking about. What are we doing here?
What is this like mascara here? Alright?
No, no mascara alright? The only black I want to see under
your eyes is if you're taking a charge. Sit down. Stop, hey,
hello. Hello, hi, yeah, hi.
We're having a little coaching session here, ok? Yeah.
Your parents telling you to just go
have fun out there?
They're losers. Your parents are all losers.
Dad?
You're calling yourself a loser.
Uh, no. Not me. I mean them. All of them.
All of your parents, not her parent. Your parents are losers.
Her parent is cool. Her parent loves to win.
Look, this is not about having a good time.
This is about what, girls, what?
Wuuuh, wuhhhh, winning!
Winning!
That is the single most important thing that we're going
to do when we go out there is win! Win! It's all about
winning. Ok? Everything. The most important thing in the
world. Not friends, not family, not the environment, not this
plastic problem that we're having. It has nothing to do
with that. It is about winning.
That is the best feeling in the world.
Now come on little ducklings. In the middle.
On three, little ducklings. One, two, three.
TEAM: Lil Ducklings!
[CROWN CHEERING]
Alright, girls. Hustle it up.
That's it, come on. Get those re's, girls.
Get out of here, come on. Alright, girls!
HOT DOG MASCOT: Oh shit! You're Rich Johnson.
Oh my God, hey, sign my buns.
No, I'm not. Get out of here, weenie boy. Move it.
Ok.
Just really quick man.
Ok, alright. Ok, now go. Come on.
Let's go girls!
Sorry. Yeah, let's go girls! Come on. Let's go!
Ok, thank you. Thank you.
If you need help I'm right here.
Thank you. Thank you.
Hey, I got coupons.
I'm okay right now, maybe later. Alright girls. Girls.
Shoot! You're a Johnson!
Shut up!
Shoot!
REFEREE: No point.
BULLY: You're a ball hog, just like your dad!
Oh! Foul! That's a foul.
I've seen people get pregnant with less contact than that.
Trip, she's trippin' balls ref, come on!
Hey, you people should appreciate me. Any asshole could
yell at a little girl, but it takes a funny one to say that
kind of stuff.
I know it's you, Earl.
You can't see shit. Why don't you bend over
and call the game with your good eye! That's his butt hole
[WHISTLE]
That's it, get out of here!
You want a piece of me?
Get out of here, Earl!
Out? It's about time.
[CROWD BOOS]
You know what, here!
Hey, look at me! I'm playing soccer. Stupid ass sport!
Let's go girls. Hustle it up. Get those re's come on!
[BUZZER BEEPS]
Girls.
[CROWD OOHS]
Where did this kid come from?
10 seconds left. We're up by 1. Do not let them get a layup.
This is for you, Dick!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
[FINAL BUZZER SOUNDS]
[CROWD GASPS]
Oh my God, I hope that's ketchup.
[CRYING SOUNDS]
Mommy!
[ANGRY CROWD NOISES]
[HEAVY SPORTS ROCK]
It's "Weinergate" folks. Rich Johnson decimates a
little girl with one monster rejection.
ANNOUNCER: What a bloody wanker, Rich Johnson put that banger in a
sticky wicket!
YOUTUBER: We have to talk about this weinergate situation.
Rich Johnson just tore up that poor weiner!
Rich, you just took it way too far, man.
[BROADCAST NEWS IN SPANISH] Rich Johnson from Basketball
is involved in weinergate! What is wrong with him!
Hurting a little girl is offensive and wrong!
And the biggest surprise in all of this?
Johnson was actually for the first time ever,
playing some defense.
What is going on with Basketball!? He must go...
The World Basketball League's Vice President Bill Smegman
has declared a meeting to determine his fate,
and it doesn't look good.
[UNRULY CROWD NOISES]
Yeah, yeah. You wanna go, huh?
Shouldn't you be handing out some flyers?
Well, I would but I'm incapacitated right now.
Yeah, no thanks to you, you dick head!
Beat it, weenie breath.
You're weenie breath.
Nice, nice. Really nice.
Get him, boys!
Oh, ok, great.
Ok, come on. Ooh, yeah.
Oh, come on. Guys, really.
What are you guys gonna do?
You gonna cheer me to death? Hey, easy.
Just chill out, ok guys? Just chill. Take a chill pill.
Stop, chicken!
[ANIMAL ATTACK SOUNDS]
MR. SMEGMAN: Oh, you're late. What a surprise.
Yeah, uh sorry about that, Shmegs.
I was outside signing autographs
but it's good to see you, Shmegs.
No, it's Smegman, Bill Smegman, ok?
I know, Mr. Smegman. I'm sorry. I was just joking.
You're joking? Yeah well I'm not. You know, you're really
lucky we kept you out of jail for a felony. Do you have
any idea what they do to rich basketball players in jail?
Well, I'm sure it gives a whole new meaning to
the term "taking it to the hole".
Ah, yeah. But not so good for somebody who plays defense as
poorly as you do, pretty boy.
Ouch.
Yeah, but you know what? Look, I got a plan for you.
I don't think you understand but your
grief to dollar ratio is higher than it's ever been in your
entire career.
Well that's good, right? I mean, you're
still making money. What do you care?
What are you, an idiot? I don't think you understand the grief
to dollar ratio concept. Huh?
You don't get it, do you? You know what? Let's roll the tape!
[THE NATIONAL ANTHEM]
ANGRY FAN: Oh, come on! Get up you commie or I'm gonna make you
red, white, black and blue.
Come on!
What is this bullshit? Get up.
Come on. This is god damned ridiculous!
[CROWD BOOS]
You know, after all these years,
you're costing us more money
than you're making for us.
Yeah, but you need me. I'm Rich Johnson, super
star basketball player.
You're Rich Johnson, super star ball buster!
You my young friend
are a PR nightmare. It's a full time job managing your bullshit.
All this crap has gone viral. Now we're forced to fix it.
[KNOCK AT THE WINDOW]
[HIGH SCREECHING SOUND]
You know, someone once said,
"a man is only as faithful as his options."
Was that Abe Lincoln?
No, it was Chris Rock. And if you want to be
faithful to this team, you have one option if you want to stay
in the league. Look at this asshole! This is all your fault.
Schmuck.
It's official, starting tomorrow, not
only is Rich Johnson suspended for the next 5 games of the
championship series, but also during the suspension he will
have to lead a charity basketball team, named the
Sacramento Stars, to raise money for various organizations.
We are told if he screws up,
he will be out of the league for good...
But if he completes his service, he will be eligible to
play in Game 7, if the series even goes that far.
I've got you, kid.
Daddy, I wish you didn't have to go.
Yeah, you me and the rest of the world.
Sweetie, can we have a minute, your dad and me?
Hey, practice that three!
You're going to be able to keep your promise, right?
CostumeCon? She has a tiny heart
and she can't afford to be broken by her hero. You.
Of course. Yeah, ok, I said I would be there.
Hey, let me see that 3, come on.
Hey son, why don't you take your WBL MVP trophy and show these
clowns what a real professional basketball player looks like?
[LOUD HORN]
[GLASS BREAKING]
It was a piece of shit anyway.
[GRUNTS]
MOBILE: You're not using your ass enough, Luther.
Come on, Mikey! Use it!
Alright, sweetie. I love you. Talk soon.
I love you.
I love you too. You got this.
Dad.
Yeah. Looks like it's gonna be a lot of fun, son.
Don't share any glasses or needles with these guys.
More like a carnival really.
[HIP HOP SOUNDTRACK FADES IN]
Hey, dude. I left my luggage out there, but be careful,
I've got a laptop.
CARI: There ain't no bellhop here and no man either.
I'm so sorry, ma'am.
Yeah, it's the haircut. It fools a lot of people.
Uh, yeah. It could be the hair. It could also be the bass
drum that seems to lodged in your throat.
Are you saying I have a man's voice?
Um, you know what I probably just need to clean my ears.
MIKE: What up Hollywood superstar in the house!
How the hell did you end up with these freaks?
NICK: Man, it's a crazy story. I think about 10 years ago...
[LOUD SNORING]
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Well I guess that answers that.
Ok. Let me get off you, here.
Excuse me.
Hey, bad idea. That's Mobile's seat.
Yeah, well now it's my seat now.
For a few seconds. Hint, they don't call him Mobile because
he's from Mobile Alabama... even though he is from there.
MOBILE: You're in my seat, Dick.
Oh. Um, I don't see your name anywhere.
Thought you'd say that.
[UPTEMPO DRUM]
Now you see how he got his name.
He moves people, literally.
Tell him, Mathews.
Literally!
You better ask somebody.
Well, thanks Mobile. I wanted to use the restroom anyway.
[BRAKES SCREECH]
[SPLASHES AND SCREAMS]
[LAUGHTER]
[DEEP BASS] That's for saying I sound like a man.
He look like Avatar's shit.
[LAUGHTER QUIETS]
Oh, Luther,
John Luther.
Yeah, I'm surprised you remember.
Oh, come on man. What happened to you?
We were supposed to be in the pros together.
Oh wow. Excuse me, man. Not all of us
got drafted Mr. 1st rounder. I went to Europe. That's the only
That's the only ticket I got so I took it.
I made a nice life for myself over there.
Not, I mean, like your life,
but I was able to take care of my family.
Alright well, at least you have some pro experience, not like
the rest of these losers. What are you doing here?
To keep living the dream, man.
The dream? This is more like a nightmare.
Wow. Nightmare, nightmare. You know what? You might surprise
yourself by doing something you actually like for someone else
other than yourself.
Ok. Alright. Thanks, Tony Robbins.
Yo! Superstar needs a nickname.
MOBILE: With a name like Johnson, who needs one?
Oh, ok. I get it. Johnson.
Good one, Mobile.
[ENGINE STARTS]
[BUS HORN HONKS TWICE]
Oh, this is gonna suck.
[HIP HOP MUSIC FADES IN]
BALLZ: Another day, another dump.
I hope this place has indoor plumbing.
Yo, Mike. You'll get some serious double mattress action
up in this piece.
Don't tell nobody that shit!
What the hell does that mean?
Better pray you never find out.
Well let's just hope that this place has a spa.
No, but we gave you the luxury suite with a Jacuzzi. They gave
it to us for free because tomorrow they're demolishing the
hotel to build up some condos.
A day too late.
You know Rich, feel free to trash the hotel room.
You know, get out all of your
frustrations before the first game, alright?
I mean just tear shit up, alright? Yeah, just go crazy.
You want rock star? I'll show you rock star. I'm Rich Johnson.
I'm Rich Johnson,
ten time WBL all star, all time WBL leading scorer.
Huh, Smegman! You hear that, Smegman? Do you hear that?
Oh, you don't hear me? You wanna feel me, huh?
[SHATTERING AND HEAVY METAL]
I'm a rock star. You feel that, Smegman?
All time leading scorer. WBL!
[POUNDING ON THE DOOR]
[MUSIC ENDS]
MANAGER: What in the hell do you think you're doing?
What's the problem? I thought this place was being raised.
You're building condos, right?
Looks like you're building a bloody nest.
[LAUGHING]
Hey, he fell for the old demolition gag! This
week is gonna be the best week we've ever had within a week.
Hey, this ain't the WBL superstar!
LUTHER: Welcome to the stars, baby.
[HIP HOP MUSIC]
Juvenile. Just juvenile.
[PHONE RINGS]
Hey, it's me. How's the knee?
[POLICE RADIO CHATTER]
Good. Considering now I look
like Papa Smurf. I got thrown in
the air like a rag doll and don't let me forget the 10,000
dollars in damages I've got to pay for this hotel room.
Well look at the bright side. At least your dad's
not on the tour with you and you've got CostumeCon coming up
with you daughter.
And at least we get to play some basketball tomorrow, finally.
Who are you playing?
Some team called the ABS.
They're supposedly the greatest athletes in the
world but they're like a bunch of crybabies.
Mmm. Sounds fun. Well, I love you.
Alright. You too.
[HIP HOP MUSIC FADES IN]
Alright, Rich. Let's keep in
mind that this is for charity, man. Alright so we've got to let
them score some points and we've got to let them win.
We can't them walking around here crying.
That's the weirdest pep talk I've ever heard.
Are you kidding me?
ABS COACH: Gentlemen, you are the best of the best of the best.
Are you kidding me? This is-
This is insane. I thought we were playing a real
basketball game.
I thought we were playing the ABS. You know, athletes
with six packs. This looks like a friggin' playground.
Uh, no. We are playing against the ABS, but
it's the Adult Baby Society.
[BABY NOISES]
Don't you watch Jerry Springer, man?
[BABY WAILS]
Oh! Sorry, sorry babies. My bad.
I think you might want to use this.
[CROWD NOISE]
Yo, who's your daddy? I'm your daddy, that's right.
Yeah, your mama's a ho.
[CROWD BOOS]
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Come on. Stop crying. Don't cry.
Come on, just be cool.
Just be cool, man.
I don't know what's going on with him.
Don't cry. Come on, no, no, no. stop.
Come on.
Mean, mean man!
I'm mean? I'm mean? Oh come on,
don't be such a baby. Here we go, ok, here we go, ok.
[BONE CRUNCHING HIT]
CROWD: Ohhhhhhhh!
Ay caramba!
I think you gonna need a diaper after that.
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
That's a testicle that's a technical foul.
You just got yourself a time out.
Come here. Get in the corner.
You alright, man? You gonna need a diaper, man?
[CLAPPING]
[BALL SQUEAKS]
[HIP HOP MUSIC]
[BABY CRY]
[CROWD CHEERS]
What is that smell?
[FARTING]
You shit yourself boy?
[FARTING]
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
REFEREE: Time out.
[BABY SOUNDS, FART SOUNDS AND THE SOUND OF FLIES BUZZING]
[HUGE FART SOUNDS]
MOTHER: C'mon sweetie, c'mon babies
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the halftime baby races.
MOM: Drinky drinky! Drinky drinky!
Babies are crouched at the starting line.
The parents are ready too.
I got five...
Bets are being placed.
I got double or nothing-
ANNOUNCER: And some are high.
And they are off.
Big little baby is pulling ahead
and Baby shit your pants is right behind him.
Jason Mamoa baby is falling behind.
Who is gonna-
[CROWD GASPS]
It looks like we've taken a double D detour.
LARGE CHESTED WOMAN: It's ok. It's no problem.
[CHURCH CHOIR]
[CROWD CHEERS]
Tig ol bitties.
Don't fall asleep. Don't fall asleep.
I think I'm in love.
ANNOUNCER: It looks like the race is over.
Come on, babies.
BABIES: Mama, mama, mama.
ANNOUNCER: I mean, who wouldn't want to suck on those titties?
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
Game over! It's feeding time.
Hey man, not bad for your first game. Now tomorrow, I'm
going to introduce you to a big fan of yours.
Oh, you mean we're not playing the adult furries?
Oh man, I think I'm gonna go find that woman.
Whooh! It is hot out here. Why are we here, again?
Worthington is the biggest sponsor we have.
He always writes a fat check. Now I never
met the man, but now that you're on the team he wants us to make
a personal appearance.
Of course he does.
Apparently he loves his animals. Are you allergic?
Not that I know of.
Man, that is a big turtle.
BUTLER: Hello gentlemen. I was just taking Augie for his walk.
Mr. Worthington's is waiting for you, inside.
You'll be taking lemonade with him on the patio.
Oh, lemonade.
Later Augie.
[ANIMAL SOUNDS]
Mr. Worthington?
WORTHINGTON: In here, gentlemen.
Welcome. This is Mr. Dingles.
He's a recent rescue. He's a little bit naughty.
But then sometimes I like them naughty.
And you've been naughty. Oh, Mr. Dingles.
Where are you going?
Mm.
Let me give you the personal tour
and then after we can grab some lemonade. So, as you can see,
I'm an animal lover. Cats, tortoises, whatever. But then
there's the love of my life Raoul.
Raoul. Oh, Raoul. Oh yeah,
We met him outside. Hey, what's up Raoul?
[LAUGHING] No, silly. That's just my butler.
No, Raoul is a parrot. Yes, this is us in front of the Eiffel
Tower and we went to Rio.
That must be where the honeymoon was.
Would you like to meet Raoul? He's in my bedroom.
Oh, um, yeah. We don't have
to meet Raoul right now. We could probably like
Oh, come on you!
Oh Randy, when the lemonade is
ready, ring the little bell ok?
Yes, Mr. Worthington.
You know, if Raoul's asleep we
could just come back later.
No, he'd just hate me if he missed meeting you.
Here he is,
my pride and joy.
[PARROT CAWS]
This is Raoul.
We're celebrating our 30th Anniversary.
Sorry, do you uh do you mind?
Take off whatever you want.
Hey there, Raoul. How ya doing, buddy?
Raoul want a cracker?
RAOUL: Kiss my ass. Kiss my ass. Johnson's a dick.
[GONG]
Time for lemonade.
Oh, I forgot my jacket.
Weinergate!
Just shut the door behind you.
Weinergate. Ball-hog pussy. Ball-hog pussy!
Alright, shut up Raoul, ok?
Ball hog! Ball hog! Weinergate!
Weinergate! Ball, ball, ball, ball hog! Hog!
I'm warning you Raoul. You'd better zip it.
F you Raoul!
[HIP HOP]
[SNORES]
[SEWING MACHINE]
[LOUD SNORES]
Hey mom, does this look ok?
Wow! That's fantastic. Even Superman would be jealous.
I only have 4 days to get it ready for CostumeCon!
You're gonna get it done.
I know I will. But do you think Dad will be there to wear it?
I think even your dad can manage to stay out of trouble
for 4 days.
At least I hope.
[80's SYNTH]
[SYNTH CONTINUES]
[MUSIC ENDS]
It has been such a wonderful afternoon.
I'll be right back with that fat check.
What are you doing tonight?
Uh me? Um...
Oh, we have practice.
We don't have practice.
We have practice. We have practice tonight.
We're practicing.
You two work it out.
Oh wow, that was awkward.
Hey, where's your jacket?
Aw, damn. I'll be right back.
Alright, man.
[CAT MEOWS]
Holy shit!
[CAT MEOWS]
RICH: Holy shit!
[CAT MEOWS]
Where's the bird?
In Mr. Dingles.
Oh shit.
What's going on?
Nothing. Nothing.
You naughty, naughty men.
You didn't shut the door behind you. And you killed my love.
Now hold on a second. Raoul
was smack talking me. More than Larry Bird. Larry Bird.
My 5-dollar cat ate my priceless Raoul.
Hey, I'm so sorry, but can we still get that check?
Get out.
Ok. Ok. Ok.
I'm so sorry, I just have to get my jacket.
Get out!
[SOBS]
[HIP HOP]
You wanna see something really freaky?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, I'm pretty sure this does
not qualify as consensual.
Relax superstar. I really wanna just show you this. Oh!
That is nasty! That is nasty.
What happened?
What you showed him?
Shit happens, baby!
Oh yeah! You really suck!
It's gonna be hard to top that one.
No, actually don't be too sure about that.
Check this out. Huh? Got this baby at my bachelor party.
Almost got divorced right before I got married.
Ok, ok, hey, hey, ok, ok.
I got one. I got one. Hold on.
Dude, that's a tramp stamp.
What'd you say Mike?
It's a tramp stamp!
[CHOKING SOUNDS]
Whoa, Mobile. Bring it down. Bring it down.
It's art. It's art. Life imitates art.
Yeah, yeah.
What are you guys playing inch worm with your dicks out
back here?
I'm going to the bathroom.
Hey Cari, if you're back here who's driving?
Nick's driving the bus.
[SNORING]
[MAYHEM]
Luther, I can't find my shorts.
Don't trip. I got you.
Aren't these a little short?
Uh, just tuck them in, Ballz.
Hey man, don't you worry about suiting
up. We've got a different uniform for you today.
Let me guess. Smegman's idea?
Anybody hate you more than Smegman?
This season? No, I don't think anybody.
Look, if you really want a chance to play in Game 7,
you'll do it.
Fine. You know what? It'll be a cakewalk.
Yeah, that's what you keep saying. Hey, hey, I don't
suggest you eating locker room sushi.
Oh, come on. Just like that hotel
was gonna be demolished, right?
Man, listen. I'm telling you. That's like eating 7-11 sushi.
Man, don't.
Nick, you never finished your story. How did you end up here?
Yeah, man. It's a crazy ride so basically
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
Dude, what the hell was that?
I'm trying to stop you from passing
out in the middle of your story.
Oh, thanks.
[ROARING CROWD]
ANNOUNCER: State Championship. They're gonna need a miracle.
The all American Nick!
He steals the ball! He's going all the way!
Does he have it? Oh my God.
CHEERLEADER: Seriously?
ANNOUNCER: Is he sleeping? Oh Canada has
lost the game and Nick has lost his career.
and the worst part is...
[SNORING]
Ok.
Alright well, sweet dreams little buddy.
[MEDITATION MUSIC]
What is this?
I thought it'd be a good idea to loosen up with a little
yoga before today's game.
YOGA INSTRUCTOR: Welcome gentlemen and Namaste.
Nah, I'm a leaving.
Yoga's for bitches, dude.
It's a common misconception. Yoga is for males
as well. It comes from a place of strength. It actually helped
me get through my recent divorce. Now I want you to all
say it with me and totally buy in. Namaste.
TEAM: Namaste.
Beautiful. Beautiful. Bring it back to center.
There we go and we're gonna reach our
arms out for our first stretch.
A modified warrior. Really stretch out. Yeah, feel it in
your delts. And then just move from side to side there you go.
As if you're being served divorce papers and you don't
want to see them. No, get out of here. Get out. I thought you
were a hotdog vendor, not an agent of the court.
Side to side, beautiful. I love what you're doing, yes.
And we're going to bring it back to center. There we go.
Breathe in, breathe out.
Time for the Fatalis pose. Reach
those arms out this time with
your palms facing up. And we're going to ever so gently bend
those biceps, bringing your
palms up to your face like you're wondering,
How did I ever get to this moment?
How did I end up here"
[MURMURING] Oh, he is fucked up.
Where'd you find this guy?
Downtown at the fitness center.
He works at the downtown fitness center?
No, no, no, no. He lives behind the fitness center in the alley.
And we're back to center. We're back to center, beautiful. Now
we're going to end this session as I've ended every night since
my wife left, by leaning forward.
Just slightly leaning forward. We're going to grab onto those
glutes for support. Loosen up our neck. That will be very
important and just bring your head all the way down and try
and suck your own dick.
RANDOM MOM: They're just praying, honey.
Just try and suck your own dick. Really go for it.
What the fuck?
Loosen up. We're losing some but we're gaining others in spirit.
That's ok. I do private lessons.
What the fuck is wrong with you, man?
I do privates. It's ok, I can work with you later.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, introducing Rich Johnson as
twinkle the star.
[CROWD GOES WILD]
That's right. Mr. Twinkle, coming through. Yes ok, gonna
need some hand sanitizer after this. Yup. Sorry about my rays
hitting you. Watch out, rays coming through. Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa. Sorry, sorry, ok.
A lot of touching going on. Oh
there he is, yeah, the announcer
with the mostest. Alright, yeah,
whooh...
Ok. I hate you. I hate all of you. This is a nightmare.
[STOMACH SOUNDS]
Oh, yellow is your color Mr. Sunshine. Oh,
mustard boy. I didn't know Big Bird liked basketball.
Screw you, Luther. Screw you!
Alright Old Yeller.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome your celebrity
referee, Pierre the Mime.
[CROWD CHEERS AND APPLAUDS]
Here you go.
Alright guys, bring it in, bring it in.
Ok look. Now I know you guys are looking at me to make this Vince
Lombardi type speech, right?
Who's Vince Lombardi?
Just pay attention, man! But listen, we gotta keep with the
game plan, alright? Keep the game close and let them win.
Nick! Nick! Wake up!
I was up. I was up. Sorry.
You drooled a little. Hey, I don't think we're
gonna have a problem losing to these guys.
Bullshit! We can beat anybody we wanna beat.
I don't know, Mobile. These monks can ball.
[CROWD CHEERS AND APPLAUDS]
There we go. Pizza here. Get your pizza.
Yeah! Some pizza for you, yeah. Here you go.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: Over here.
Here you go. Wait, hold on a second. Here you
go little girl. You want that?
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: I want a piece.
Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. Hello. All for you.
Thank you. Enjoy.
Ah! Oh. I am so sorry.
Sir, I'm, I'm I'm, I'm so sorry.
Let me just get that for you
here. There's some napkins. I think that'll come out. I'm so
sorry to you and your whole gang. Ok, ok.
ANNOUNCER: Jump ball won by the
Monks.
[EVIL LAUGHING]
Over to Red. He shoots. He scores.
Monks steal the ball.
Number 25 doing some mime action and
[STOMACH GRUMBLING]
it appears that Mr. Happy
Star is going for the it's Rich
Johnson and he's drinking the
holy water. Holy crap, the nuns are horrified! Back to the game.
He shoots he scores.
Slam dunk and he pledges himself! Ballz
putting on a one man show. He drives to the hoop and it's up,
slam dunk!
There you go, boy!
ANNOUNCER: And the Sacramento Stars pleasuring each other down
the court.
And it's to the Monks and they score again!
Friar Tuck holding position.
Big Red rejects!
Big Red's feeling power surging through him.
Big Red passes and another score for the Monks.
Help!
ANNOUNCER: Time out Stars.
We're experiencing technical difficulties.
And it looks like Ballz has the ball and putting
on a show, dominating this court all the way down, the master of
his domain.
Come on Ballz, you got it.
I taught him that one.
[CROWD GROANS AND MURMURS]
Ballz!
ANNOUNCER: We now know why they call him balls.
When I said show em what you got,
I didn't mean show 'em what you got, got!
Uh...
Oh, ho, ho, that's what I call a loose ball
foul on deez nutz.
[HALFTIME HORN]
Twinkle is going to attempt a mascot record, jumping
over not 1 but 5 monks for your halftime entertainment!
[FARTING]
Hey man, are you alright?
Ugh. I don't feel so good.
See, I told you not to eat that locker room sushi.
You didn't want to listen.
(FART SOUND)
Oh, wow!
Ready when you are Twinkles.
Hey man, you sure you want to do this?
Alright, alright. Look if you shat yourself it's not my fault.
[CROWD CHEERING AND CLAPPING]
[CRUNCHING AND GASPS]
MONK: My fucking nuts! Oh!
ANNOUNCER: So much for his vow of silence.
I'm so sorry, Brother Monk. Am I forgiven?
You are an asshole.
[RETCHING]
Whooh. Hey man, well at least you've got tomorrow off.
It'll give you a little time to recuperate.
Yeah, yeah. Maybe.
I gotta say man,
you've been good at taking crap from the guys,
especially for a guy who walks around with a stick
up his ass. I mean it's a little stick, but you gotta stick
up your ass.
I'm just messing with you man. You alright.
Thank you. You know to show my appreciation to you
guys, I'd love to cook you all dinner.
Get the fuck out of here. You cook?
Yeah, no, well. I'm a good cook. I make a
mean steak. Some would say it's the balls.
Um, alright. Hey, I'm always down for a good meal. Alright?
Ok.
My man. Alright, I'll see you then.
See you. See you then.
See you then.
Mmmm.
Alright, huh, guys, you see?
I gotta say bro, you are not lying.
This steak is off the chain.
This actually might be the first time Nick
stays awake for the entire dinner.
No, he didn't.
Here guys, let me top you off with some of Napa Valley's
finest Penis Noir.
Pinot Noir.
Yo, you got more?
Oh, yeah. Of course.
Whoa, how did that get in there?
I love to cook for my friends.
Yo, you gotta tell me what you put on this, man.
It's delicious.
Yeah, sure, sure, sure. I start with a
little dry rub, a little aged dry rub and
just a sprinkle of
Fromunda cheese before I slap it on the grill.
Mmm! My mom used to make Fromunda.
Wow.
What kind of cheese?
It's Fromunda cheese. Fromunda cheese. Fromunda cheese.
Fromunda my balls. Yeah! Yeah!
[MEN ALL WRETCH AND GAG]
Oh my God!
You guys just ate my balls. That's what
you get for all those pranks!
You mean to tell me I'll kill you!
I'll see you tomorrow, teammates! Yeah!
Get his ass! Get his ass!
[CAR STARTS AND PEELS OUT]
That is exquisite.
Mr. Smegman, when are you going to get me out of this hell
hole and back in the championship in game 7?
Really?
Well let's review your accomplishments so far, genius.
Number 1: You caused Weinergate
to go viral. Number 2: You completely trashed a hotel room.
Number 3: And I hope you're proud of this, you made an adult
baby cry. Number 4: You killed
a priceless parrot. And my
favorite, number 5: You gave a
monk an unwanted an unnecessary vasectomy.
40 years, Mr. Smegman.
40 years of what?
Since the Sacramento Royals have won a WBL Championship.
Now look, I know you hate me, but
this league needs me, ok?
My team needs me. With my underdog story, these ratings
will be huge. You gotta get me back to the championship.
You gotta get me to Game 7.
You know kid, there's an old saying, if
you keep saying that everybody is an asshole then maybe the
asshole is you.
You love your quotes don't you?
No, I just love fortune cookies. I am
giving you one more chance, pretty boy. Don't fuck it up.
You won't be sorry.
[HIP HOP INSTRUMENTALS]
Damn Jenny, that is good.
Sacramento's buzzing with excitement for game 7.
The Royals are anxiously awaiting word
if Rich will be eligible to play.
We're gonna have so much fun, man. Hey
Rich, I want you to meet Stan.
He is the President of the TSA. He's in charge of getting you to
the airport after the game. You know he's got a friend who works
at airport security.
Oh, what do you say?
Stan the man.
Oh, huge fan, man. Huge fan.
Fuck! Fuck! Cocksucker! Motherfucker!
I'm so sorry, I thought that you
just said that you were a huge fan.
Oh yeah, I am a huge fan. Tittyficker!
Tittyfuck! Limp dick motherfucker!
TSA PLAYER 1: Fuck! Fucking shit!
Ok, I think I get it now. TSA stands for
Jizz weasel motherfuckin' shitballs! Whoohooo!
Ok, let's get out there and raise some money for the TSA.
Get me through the airport security so I can
make it to CostumeCon.
[HIP HOP MUSIC]
You ever see a fatty who could fly? Gookaw! Gookaw!
[CROWD CHEERING]
TSA PLAYER 2: Military Mic Mac motherfucker!
[THUD]
[HORN BLOWS]
[CROWD CHEERS]
[THUD AND GASPS]
FEMALE FAN: Ass hat! Skittles!
Daisy! Dick weed! Rich Johnson sucks the big one!
Ok look, I understand that you suffer from Tourette's
Syndrome and you can't control yourself but really just try and
take it down a notch.
I don't have Tourette's Syndrome.
I just think you're a big dick!
You thought we had Tourette's?
You don't?
Hey Rich, TSA stands for Therapeutic Swearers
Association. You know, Tourette's is a neuropsychiatric
disorder that 100,000 Americans deal with all the time. Now
these guys, they just do this to relieve stress.
Ain't that a motherfucker?
Now you're officially a member.
Mr. Johnson, I'm gonna need that back.
Big black's my old reliable.
[CROWD MURMURS AND GROANS]
Sorry everyone. Sorry.
[GULPING SOUNDS]
[SLAPS AND WHISTLE]
What the fuck you
talking about you Mr. Magoo looking motherfucker?
REFEREE: Foul on 69!
It's ok. Come on. Come on. It's alright. It's alright. Come on.
Hey Rich, I heard your wife's hole is bigger. Good luck
nailing it, fuck face. Air ball!
Good luck you shit-head. You fucking piece of shit!
Shut up. Hey!
Shut up!
Shit taco!
Yo, asshole! Good luck!
Fucking cocksucker! Motherfucker!
You limp dick titty fucker cumdumpster! Fuck you. Fuck you,
you shit-stain piece of shit nipple clamp motherfucker!
Shut up! Time!
That's crazy. I don't see how
this is so therapeutic. These people are totally insane.
They're just cussing all the time.
Ah man, just take it easy man.
Drink up. You'll feel better.
Thank you.
Yeah, yeah. You got it, man. Go ahead.
Don't make it hard on yourself out there.
[CARTOON SOUNDS AND DING]
[LAUGHTER]
Boner!
That's for the steak dinner, jackass!
What'd you, do feel a breeze?
Alright. Roseanne Bar naked.
Donald and Melania Trump doggy style.
No! It's not going away. I'm gonna miss my flight!
Roseanne Bar naked. Betty White spread eagle.
It's not working. I'm gonna miss my flight!
Down, boy. Just get away. Down, down.
No! It's not working!
Burnt popcorn. Wilfred Brimley. That old guy that says diabetes.
No! It's not working!
Ok, think of my mom. No, no, no. Think of your
mom. Think of your mom. Not my mom. Stop thinking about my mom.
No! It's not working!
Some hairy ass titties. Think of eating Mr. T's ass, like arg!
Get that shit out of here, man.
Hard. Think about it harder. You're not thinking about it enough.
Ok, wait, wait, wait, wait. Ok, I got it.
I'm gonna miss my flight.
I've got it. This is an emergency.
Ah, ah, put it away. Put it away!
Back up. Back up.
Do it.
Voila!
[SCREAMS]
If that don't do it, nothing will.
It's getting bigger!
Oh man, we're not gonna make it.
Don't worry. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
My friend is gonna get you through, ok?
ALEX: Thank you. Have a good flight.
This is Alex. He's gonna get us through security.
Big dick! Shit. Shit. Shit stain, shiatsu.
Hey, come on. It's really no time for that, ok? Just chill.
You know what, my bad. I should have mentioned.
He actually does have Tourette's.
Boner! Boner! Boner! Boner! Bomb! Bomb! Bomb! Bomb!
Hey, don't say that word. Don't say that. Whoa, Guys
no, I've gotta catch my flight!
I'm gonna miss my daughter's CostumeCon! Guys, he said boner!
It's not a bomb it's a boner!
[HELICOPTER SOUND]
[DRAMATIC INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC]
[MUSIC CONTINUES]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC CONTINUES]
Thank you.
[PHONE NOTIFICATION]
Yo, taxi!
[RANDOM CROWD NOISE]
RANDOM PATRON: Boner boy!
[CROWD CHEERS]
Hey, hey. Surprise! Surprise!
Uh, this my brother is your going away party.
But, unfortunately, it looks like Smegman is gonna enforce
your permanent suspension from the WBL.
Yeah, well that doesn't surprise me.
Yeah so we figured yo, let's have some fun.
Let's let it hang on out. So we got some hookers in the back for
you. Ok? Just giving you shit
man, listen everybody. Please,
raise your glasses for my brother from another mother,
pretty Richie. Yeah, right on. L'Chaim.
Yeah man. You know man,
you're a lot like me.
Tall, dark and handsome?
Ah, you wish. You wish.
No man um, you know like you I
put a lot of work in this game
man. Thinking that every win is
gonna count and every championship is gonna count and
people are gonna love me. You
know, I thought I was gonna have family there forever. But I came
back for good and man I realized
shit, I don't know my wife anymore. You know? My kids they
grew up without me. I don't wanna get sentimental and all
that but don't end up like me.
Alright, you still got a chance to make it right with your
family. Alright? Alright. Do the right thing, baby.
I'm so sorry I was so hard on you.
Mobile. That's ok.
You're gonna be my dick all the time alright, man? I'm
actually gonna miss you bro.
I'm gonna miss you too.
Got any last requests?
Last requests? Hm.
From Ballz, any last requests?
Narcoleptic Nick? Yeah actually,
last request is, I want to know how Mattress Mike got his name.
[TEAM CHEERS]
Ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, ok. This happened like 2
years ago? Like
in Lubbock, Texas. Mike wasn't
answering his phone.
And he's late for the game.
So me, Ballz and Cari go to his room.
[CRIES IN DISGUST]
It's not what
it appears.
[GROANS]
[LAUGHTER]
Motor? Motor oil?
And that's why they call him Mattress Mike!
Motor oil?
For maximum viscosity.
He's nasty, man. Dick in mattress.
Oh shit, what is that?
♪ Well that's alright, mama ♪
♪ That's alright with me ♪
♪ That's alright mama ♪
LUMBERJACK: Worst Elvis impersonator ever.
♪ That's alright. That's alright. That's alright ♪
Dude, shut the fuck up. You sound like
2 mutes having sex.
Hey you fucking shut up you motherfucking piece of shit! You
fuck! I'll suck your cock! I'll suck your cock so good! You
fucking piece of shit! You twat gobbling ass fister!
Now I'm gonna fist fuck your mouth, boy.
Hey, don't be cruel, baby.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa. No one no one talks that kind of shit to one of our
friends, especially a half ass looking Paul Bunyan.
What the fuck are you going to do about it? Ain't
you Rich Johnson? You used to actually be somebody.
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, hey you fake ass lumberjack.
Rich Johnson still is somebody.
Aw, this is cute. This is real cute.
I got some boys too. Hey boys!
RICH: You gotta be kidding me.
You guys want to dance? Let's dance.
[DING, DING BOXING BELL]
What are you waiting for?
You can't play no ball and you're a bunch of pussies!
[BREAKING GLASS]
[MASSIVE BRAWL SOUNDS]
[GANGSTER RAP]
I wouldn't mind pretending to be walked over.
I'm gonna get your nuggets! I'm gonna get your nuggets!
Cockadoodledoo, mother
I want to take life step by step.
My turn, ball sack.
Meet the podiatrist!
Bacon time!
What is your purpose? What is your purpose? You a grown ass
man in a polar bear suit?
[CROWD CHEERS]
Yes! We're number 1!
Yeah! Whooh!
You know, I mean, amongst other things,
I don't know why she wasn't feeling me. I mean
Yeah, right.
Skinny girls overrated. Bigbootygirls.com
Oh, hey. I'm sorry about game 7, you know?
It's just a game.
Yeah, I guess. But it is a game that I will never play again.
Look, just cause you don't play for the
Royals don't mean you can't still play basketball.
Hey, I was just trying to help.
Cari, I love those pants on you.
Thanks for noticing. Ever since I stopped wearing
underwear, it made all the difference. No panty line, you
know? Hey fellas, I'll have this started in a minute. I'm gonna
do a little hand job on it right quick. Ok?
Aw man, that's nasty and wrong.
[RETCHING SOUNDS]
[LIGHT PIANO]
Hey kid. You like cookies?
KID: Stranger danger! Stranger danger!
Easy, alright? I'm here to help.
How can you help me?
My old man made me take like
3,000 shots in the pouring rain.
Well I didn't have anybody to help me.
Well you do now. Come on, let's see it.
Cookies in the cookie jar, yes!
Hey, fellas. Over there.
What up, Ballz?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, no,
no, no, whooh! Yes. Ok, come on.
Ready? Here we go. Yeah. I'm on you. I'm on you. What you got?
I'm glad he didn't swat that shit.
He shoots better than Mike.
I want you to check something out.
What if that's his kid?
He's coming down the lane. He's driving.
Ooh yeah! Two points. That's what I'm talking about.
What do you say, Smegman? Come on, man.
Too little too late.
[HORN HONKS TWICE]
Ah man, I gotta get going, but you keep practicing, ok?
Uh, here. For you.
Thanks.
Keep practicing, ok?
[HORN BLOWS]
JOE RILEY: We are live. Courtside at the World Basketball League
Championship Game 7, which is moments away, and we have just
been handed the news. The WBL has suspended Rich Johnson
permanently and deservedly so, I might add.
You know what? Screw you, Joe.
Go fuck yourself with that suit.
Go ahead, finish your monkey show. Go ahead.
Apparently the apple apparently
the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree.
Mom? Grandpa? Can we go home?
Yeah, we can go home.
Yeah, we can go. Get your stuff.
Get your phone.
ANNOUNCER: Wait a minute, ladies and gentleman. We seem to have a
special guest descending from the ceiling. It's a bird. It's a
plane. It's Rich Johnson man!
Jenny, it's me!
Daddy! Mom, it's really him. He's wearing Rich Johnson man!
[CABLES CREAKING]
No, no, no. Don't. Just wait. Someone get him down.
No, no, no, no, no, no!
[FABRIC RIPPING SOUND EFFECT]
Yep, I'm naked.
FAN: That's why you manscape.
Sorry, sorry. Hey, hey mom. How
are you? Jenna May. Mildred, hey.
Aw, impressive? You're a chip off the old Johnson. Good job.
[CAMERA SHUTTERS]
Daddy, I knew you'd make it.
Thank you.
I just wish your underwear had made it.
Guys, I'm so sorry I missed CostumeCon.
I'm so sorry for
everything. I'm really gonna try and be a better father. Come
here. Love you guys.
What is it, baby? What's going on?
Nothing. I think you're about to go viral again.
[CAMERA SHUTTER]
[HIP HOP MUSIC FADING IN]
♪ Come on now. Give it all you got I mean ♪
♪ We goin' hot I mean ♪
♪ Can't see you rollin' up and do the mean ♪
♪ Five chicks from my crew might do me so ♪
♪ Just get fresher than you already is I mean ♪
♪ No pressure, because it is what it is we got ♪
♪ Eight bottles of that bubble goodness so ♪
♪ Ask once more, tell her the mere facts ♪
♪ I came in hot boys. Player player ♪
♪ We so fly, get a elevator ♪
♪ Top floor we could be right there ♪
♪ Before we even hitin' party with the drinks in the air ♪
♪ I can't. I want to be selfish. I want it all ♪
♪ The cop that take the tuna steak raw ♪
♪ I don't need a side chick for the side ♪
♪ I wanna fly chick to stare in her eyes ♪
♪ Pick me up in your ride ♪
♪ It's going down tonight ♪
♪ Yeah you got the shish that I like ♪
♪ You stealin my vibe. So damn right ♪
♪ Let's go some place to chill ♪
♪ Pulls up and plays for real ♪
♪ Oh, if you feelin' how I feel ♪
♪ Then lets go and seal the deal ♪
♪ Lets go. Lets go, come on get up ♪
♪ Lets go ♪
♪ Mack mode is back come on rock steady ♪
♪ Heated up Mojave to the Serengeti ♪
♪ Everybody is sweatin' Heading to Hollywood headed back ♪
♪ Studyin' is one of my hobbies watch baby crack ♪
♪ I mean we could never lose ♪
♪ See those shoes. See tattoos ♪
♪ Swipin' jewels to pick up a girl that's uh ♪
♪ Takin' your world is so ♪
♪ Might give 'em what they wanna throw to be ♪
♪ Eskimos ice fishin' and yo ♪
♪ Only ten tonic gin ♪
♪ Consider your sin your head gonna spin ♪
♪ Home girl need to learn her place ♪
♪ Wash yo girls face, I mean ♪
♪ She can get on my level get tossed up ♪
♪ Next thing is your choice ♪
♪ Pick me up in your ride ♪
♪ It's going down tonight ♪
♪ Yeah you got the sh-that I like ♪
♪ You so damn right ♪
♪ Lets go some place to chill ♪
♪ Pulls up and plays for real ♪
Jerry O'Connell, show the face.
I want to tell you that your
professionalism just got in the way of what could've been a
great moment. When I flashed my natural born, black breasts in
your face, you didn't even break character or the reaction that I
was banking on that I would get today and I'm not sure I want to
work with you anymore. Do you know how many motherfuckers want
me to shake my natural born, titties in they goddamn
face? You need to slide into my DM's and see who the fuck I am.
But that's ok. It's called acting. You could've
act surprised. Cut, fuck. I'm tired of talking.
Wow, that's real shit right there.