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♪♪♪
Impressive isn't she?
Oh!
Yes, she is.
Horse ain't bad either!
[LAUGHTER]
I love paintings like these.
Well, we'll see if she can't win us a third getaway house.
Maybe some place tropical this time.
Hang another one in.
You ever been up to Kentucky to a Derby dear?
Oh no, not yet.
But we've been meaning to
Oh my!
This year is my fifth
I have a hat for every husband I've mowed through
Now Rose!
How much does 50 Derby hats cost?
I did not pay for them. They did!
For those of you who have not been properly introduced,
This is Leslie
Muffie Heart's daughter
[SYMPATHETIC STATEMENTS]
Oh, thank you. It's okay.
Which is why you should never save the good silver
Spend it!
While you're still here!
And she's also requested to take Muffie's seat at our table.
Yes, and it has also been made very clear that
Death does not bypass tradition
Process. The usual order of things.
You can't just elect anyone into power without proper due diligence
You'd have total chaos on your hands
A lot of sick tickets out there
It's been a long time since we've had a new addition to our group.
Why don't we move into the other room and
I thought that we'd be having tea with your darling mother here this morning
Ladies, shall we?
I'm about to show you the single most offensive word
a representative of this company could ever utter
Now human resources heard about me doing this
I would be out on my ass very quickly.
But I feel like in the last 25 minutes we've built up quite a rapport.
I feel like I can trust you. I feel like, unlike my girlfriend...
YOU can keep a secret!
[LAUGHTER]
What does that screen say?
ALL: Timeshare
No. Get it out of your system.
ALL: Timeshare!
Hallelujah!
You have been exorcised!
How does it feel to be cleansed?
Do not allow this word back into any sermon!
Do not allow me heretics in your church with this filthy word!
Okay. By show of hands: Who flew here today?
Okay. Mr Lew Murphy!
Yes sir.
You indicated with your raised hand that you flew here, is that correct?
Yes sir.
So you own a plane.
No sir!
Oh, so you rented a plane.
No! I bought a ticket. Just like regular!
You flew with...other people??
Ughhhhhhhhhhhh [Laughter]
So you're telling me...
because you couldn't afford to rent your own plane
you couldn't afford to buy your own plane
So you made an agreement of sorts with 200 some other odd people
that you were going to pool your money
so that you could all afford to get to your destination.
Right?
So why is it that people are so willing to travel this way
but they aren't willing to vacation this way?
It's that word!
That word is programmed into the brains of every guest
who walks through to that door!
It is an invisible glass of dragon poison that you
spew all over your guests the second it comes out of your mouth,
You Do Not Sell "Time Shares"
You OFFER
[click]
"Fractional Ownership."
[Polite Chatter]
[TNK!]
So! What does your husband do?
Oh, she's not married.
Not yet. Uh, Philip has fractional ownership in an investment group
They buy, sell, rent, all sorts of properties and assets across the country
These the timeshares still, are they?
Luxury resorts Ethel.
In Florida. The Hamptons.
Right now, he's actually training some of the top prospects in the state.
That's a relief.
There was that cheerless woman a few years back, you remember?
She was buried in the time share world!
It was always such a struggle for her!
"Broke Betty"
Broke Betty!
Broke Betty, her bank account up and down like a yo-yo!
They had to send her to the "Easy-Does-It" clinic
Clear out her system.
Did a little...[sniffs]
Darling...
She's not married either!
You know what I can't understand?
Why anyone would pay to vacation the same 2, 3, 4 days
Over and over. In the same place!
BORING
It's ridiculous!
So is that where you met?
Oh no, no, no.
Beautiful ring dear!
Oh, thank you. Dorothy. It's a Bloodstone diamond.
Aries. My birthstone.
Your mother left it to you, did she?
Oh, no. It's mine. Ethel.
Well...
It's just I've seen it a few times. So I...
figured it had sentimental reasons?
Well Philip got it for me on our first get away to Reykjavik
So it does have sentimental value.
That's in Iceland right?
Yes.
Everything is frozen solid up there
No it's not!
Iceland is actually green and Greenland is covered in ice
I know who I'm picking on quiz night
[Laughter]
Who?
♪♪♪
Oh no
Don't worry. We aren't going anywhere.
Ugh. Thank God
I mean you look great. But thank God
I'm just seeing how I'll be put together for Friday
I got us invited to the fundraiser for James Truman's campaign run
The Truman's already own half the state
Why do we have to pay for the other half?
You don't campaign with your own money
Don't be a lackwit.
Besides
The Ladies Who Lunch will be attending
It'll be good for me to be seen there
Oh that's great yeah
You'll be the first person ever let into a secret society
who can't keep a secret!
I haven't had a slip in weeks
And it's not a secret society!
These are the women who run the men who run the state
I mean maybe one of them would be
interested in investing in your business.
Yeah, maybe. But that's not what's going to happen.
What's gonna happen is I'm going to get locked in talking to that
condescending douchebag. What's his face?
Stop
Zachary
Yes but stop.
I only have three 'fake listening' faces for a party
and he burns through all of them.
Even before he gets to: "Yknow, wine is like a poem"
This party isn't fun. It's work.
Yeah...that's my point
Ugh. These are a nightmare.
What is this? Another early birthday present for yourself?
Cheaper than new jewerly.
Oh okay. You're penny-pinching.
I can't be seen wearing the same pieces around these women
It's embarrassing.
So how much were those?
They were half-off
"Half off" like they used to go up to your shoulders?
There were 900. I got them for half off
It's not like I was being reckless
No. 450 for gloves is...
great!
Okay. They were $1800.
And
I would prefer if we could just drop this.
Philip.
Alright.
A woman in this world is expected to carry
a certain amount of luxury in her life.
And from her husband.
Sorry, okay? I, I need friends.
Okay?
I need to get out of the house
These women worshipped my mother
And one way or another
They are damn-well going to respect me too.
So what are they serving at this thing?
We'll have something beforehand.
There's not going to be food is there?
We'll have something beforehand.
How much did these tickets cost?
[LONG SIGH]
Okay. Based on that answer:
I'm going to say this is about a...
two-thousand dollar thing.
They were a thousand and I had to work very hard to get them.
Just saying. For...
five-hundred dollars each
Maybe they could give us a little food?
They were a thousand each.
And I prefer if we didn't
go on and on about this.
It's not going to be an all-the-time thing
and you know this matters to me
It was a two-thousand dollar answer!
You said "about two-thousand"
So: No. That isn't the same thing.
And going on and on forever won't change the fact
that we will have something...
beforehand.
Right.
It's a fundraiser Philip.
Can't raise funds if you're spending them
So basically you're telling me she's good at saving money.
Just not yours?
We're going to go broke trying to keep up with people
who are going to be dead by the time we catch them.
By her damn self.
How's your group out there today?
My group? Glad you asked.
They are horrible.
I don't think they can close an umbrella
Let alone close a deal.
No stars today?
No stars.
They're like, horrible man.
But! Of course.
Of course!
Send us the worst ones, right?
We've always been able to whip 'em into shape.
So, I have confidence that we will. Know what Im sayin'?
Plus I got you on my team, right?
That's right.
Right. My man!
How'd you do last night?
Aw shit Phil
[LAUGHS]
Didn't do so well?
Uh, I may have to trade my SL in for a skateboard!
Ouch. -I did horrible
Yeah man. I'm down like threee grand and uh...
I did 1 for 6 in basketball
2 for 12 in football
Had the nerve to do 0 and 8 in college.
What about hockey?
Hockey?
Phil! What the fuck do I. know about hockey?
I know hockey. I can pick for you.
Let me pick for a week.
Let me pick for a week!
-No, no, no
I'll do you right. I swear.
Not to put your business out there Phil, but uh...
I heard you had this thing....
uh...
with gambling?
It's not "a thing" with gambling.
It's not even me gambling.
I'm just picking for you to gamble.
Ahh. No shit.
You shit the bed, my friend.
"Shit the bed" - Phil
The fucking dog don't even lick my hand no more.
-Lew, you deserve this!
-You deserve to taste the fruits of your labor
You deserve 4 nights a year at a luxury property with your wife!
It's time to rekindle the romance.
It's time to get whole again!
SIR!
Me and my wife have been in here for almost an hour!
We just about had enough of this!
Can we just get our circus tickets
that we was promised at the door?
-So we can be on our way?
Alright!
Your back's against the wall.
What do you do?
You are going to "Play Possum."
You're going to turn to your guests.
You're going to look him straight in the eye
and VERY kindly you're going to say:
[sighs]
I'm so sorry, Lew
I'm sorry I kept you this long.
-I apologize.
Let me, let me get your vouchers filled out
We'll get you your tickets.
You'll be off to the circus in no time.
Okay. Sounds great.
-If I could ask though
what was it about this opportunity that didn't work out for you?
Was it the price? Was it the location?
Yes it seemed to be a little high.
Yeah?
Yes
Alright!
Now you're talking price!
Now he thinks he's going to get outta here
He starts being polite again!
That's your 'in'
You're talking price.
You're talking last minute deals.
You need to manufacture urgency!
That's what hypnotizes otherwise rational people
into doing totally irrational things!
[APPLAUSE]
I didn't know you were home.
It's cold out here.
What's going on?
My father died today.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm the last 'Heart' left
I'm the next in line to go.
Uh, turns out there's a will
I have to meet with the lawyer in the morning, so...
Wow.
It's just
you'd
always said
your father WAS dead so...
I'm not exactly sure what to give you here, but
whatever you need.
I guess I can keep a secret if I'm mad enough.
Well, technically you just blew it by telling me about it.
[LAUGHS]
I'm sorry...
So sorry, I'm running late.
Thank you so much for meeting me here!
It's so great to finally meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Wow.
You're younger than what Dandy described!
Oh?
Oh, don't take that the wrong way.
I mean it is a compliment.
It just came out this big mouth of mine.
Heh.
Well I see it says here:
He left nearly everything to you.
The cars.
The house.
All the funds remaining in the accounts.
Which turns out to be quite substantial!
I don't want the house.
You don't want the house?
Well, there is one other person listed here
I guess - do you want the house to go to them?
What's the other name listed?
Uh, let's see down here...
"Leslie Heart"
His daughter.
Ma'am. I am Leslie Heart.
(sighs)
I'm so sorry.
What time is it?
Ten past ten.
Have you seen another lady walking around here?
Thankfully not.
Leslie.
I understand that you lost touch with your father?
Yes. Quite awhile ago.
He always remembered the last time you visited the house
You had asked him for something
Something you had ALWAYS wanted!
What did I say I wanted?
[HORSE GRUNTS]
Wait!
THIS is the thing?
Well not this horse exactly, but
Oh god..
I wanted a horse when I was nine!
That's what it says right here!
Your father would've loved to have seen your face!
Typical.
[HORSE GRUNTS]
-How do you get rid of a horse?
I have no idea. I'm not in the mob.
It is SO rude to leave behind a burden on someone
GUILT or otherwise.
They said they had enough supplies at the house
to take care of it for a month
So let's let them take care of it
-We'll figure out what to do.
We have to get rid of it!
I'll ask around.
What do you think it's worth?
It's got to fetch a decent amount!
I don't know.
We could put an ad with a picture in the paper
See what happens.
No, no, no. The classifieds?
That is the last thing we need..
The Heart name in the backpages alongside
yards sales and prostitutes.
Ooo! What about Richard from work?
Yeah. He can't afford a horse right now.
No, but you said he's always at the track.
Maybe he knows somebody.
Okay...I'll ask.
I can't believe the money is all gone.
-Every cent!
To some uptown hussie named Harriet.
Who evidently didn't want the horse either
Or she'd have gotten that too!
Oh hey man, there you are!
Phil! My man.
Bring it in.
Man!
I know hockey!
Hockey's some wicked shit!
I'm out here trippin'
Some guy, team
The Whalers!
They won.
All I know is I'm up two grand!
Nice.
Yeah, yeah.
Hey I wanted to ask you this:
Do you know anyone down at the track
who might be interested in buying a horse?
This is a beautiful beast.
It's a horse
Where'd you get this from?
Leslie's father died.
Again.
Don't ask.
And he left it for us to figure out
You ever think about racing?
No. That sounds expensive.
You already got the horse Phil.
There's a lot of money around that race track.
Those funny hats ain't free baby
You think? You don't think we should sell it?
Bruh
Phil.
Sheesh.
Bruh look:
I just so happen to know a dude
named Barry
Okay.
He was a hot-shot jockey
Hot as TV!
And he's looking to get back into training
Okay.
Right?
Yeah.
It's like some cosmic shit! This don't happen just like...
So, your girl, like
she cool? Like...
Like she into crooked shit?
What illegal shit are we talking about?
I'm just saying though
He got into a little trouble.
I'll let him explain... to you what happened
I don't know a man's business like that.
It's all good.
Yeah, ya dig?
So: I introduce you to Barry
I can call him up
Matter fact look
It's 4 o'clock
His ass should be up.
If he ain't up Imma get his ass up!
Call him.
Yeah.
Don't forget to tell your girl:
Shit...IS illegal.
-I might tell her something different
Yeah!
[LAUGHS]
Who the hell are you?
I'm Philip.
Richard's friend with the horse?
Oh.
Do I smell pot?
No?
You didn't just smoke pot before you got here?
No!
Come into my office.
So! You're looking to get into the pony business
Thinking about it, yeah.
Well, it's very, very pricey.
It can be expensive!
What are we talking about?
Depends on what you're looking to do.
Well my girlfriend inherited a horse
and
we're looking to make as gluttonous use out of it as possible
You've come to the right place!
You like to gamble?
Used to.
Used to do some sports betting, yeah.
You cheat on your wife?
-AH HA HAA!
You can't do that!
Look at how long you paused!
and you did the thing with the shake with your head!
I wasn't ready for the question.
Well you better be ready when your wife asks that!
Trust me!
I'm not even married and
why are we talking about this?
What does this have to do with horses?
The response to those two questions
tells me just about everything I need to know about a person.
Well, I've never cheated.
Ahh!
You don't have to sell me!
Okay?
I'm not judgemental!
I'm just saying
I have a business to run here.
I don't need sexual deviancy
around my business.
I'm a professional!
Mister Barry!
Si!
Lavar el caballo! Sucio!
SI!
Si.
-Jesus...
I told them I understood what they were talking about
so they wouldn't stand around and bad mouth me in Spanish.
Let's go see what they're screaming about.
BARRY How good do you want to be?
PHILIP What do you mean?
BARRY What do YOU mean?
PHILIP I wanted someone to train our horse?
Well, I mean
You wanna just win a few races?
Or you tryna get rich?
Ideally both.
What's the difference?
Well maybe there's a situation that's available
where it doesn't necessarily matter
how we finish in the race.
Is this situation cheating?
Well, look:
I wouldn't go crazy trying to judge it.
I'm just saying there's a situation available
for someone who's willing
potentially
to follow up on it.
Okay?
Potentially!
Maybe we stop the horse at home.
What does that mean? "Stop them at home"
Y'know, like, there's too many lookie-loos
and camera's at the track now.
So what we do:
is we just won't wind her up all the way
PHILIP Do you ONLY speak in riddles?
Quit playing games with me Jack!
Barry! What are you doing?
Are you with the jockey club?
Jockey Cl--
ARE YOU WITH THE HORSE POLICE?
The "horse police"?
Did Katzman put you up to this?
I don't know who that is!
HA HA HA HA
That's exactly what Katzman would say
to tell you!
This isn't my first rodeo, Will Lockheart!
I don't know who that is either!
-Will you please put that down!
-I'm just trying to bring some peace
to my house and I'm trying to appease my girlfriend!
Help me out!
-You're a GUY!
Look. I don't know you.
Y'know, people they
they come around here.
They start asking me all these questions.
They actually send OFFICIALS out here to SPY on me!
They do that?
Probably!
Didn't Richard fill you in that I was coming?
-Yeah. He filled me in
on the horse!
He didn't fill me in on YOU!
Oh hey! That looks like our horse.
That's "Oreo Express"!
He was my finest champion!
He won a lot of money for me
until he started getting lazy.
Now look at this!
What a life!
I wish someone would hose me down every night
Now, he can't win races.
He can't stud.
He's just freeloading on me like everybody else around here.
Good looking animal though!
Exactly!
They're all beautiful animals.
Nobody knows anything.
That's why the plan works!
Okay so what's the plan?
UH...
We can talk about that
at some other time.
Or juncture.
Phil.
I guess I should know what you're doing
but I don't.
This is a game that's best played quiet.
You don't know...
who's listening.
When they're listening.
Or what they're listening to.
We operate in silence here Phil.
Silence.
[WHISPERS] What's...the...plan?
I'm not going to--
I can't tell you the plan
You'll just cut me out of it.
I'm not stupid!
C'mon...
-Look Phil
I have...
trust issues.
-My whole life it's been this way.
-I give to people
a hundred percent.
And then just as I get a fish on the line
They cut bait.
Well, that's not me. I would never do that.
Okay, I'm going to sound it out for you.
Things have not been going well since
Oreo went soft.
And all I have is this place.
-And the banks are calling
and they're sending people around all the time
and it turns out
there's only so many places you can hide on a ranch.
It's not like I can slip into a nearby cave!
Yeah, well, I understand.
We haven't been having the best time of it lately either.
Everyone's got a sad story
Okay.
I just need a little information
so I can go home
sell it to Leslie.
Who is Leslie?
Leslie is my girlfriend!
Is she going to be a problem?
Yes almost certainly she's going to be a problem.
Ohh I get it.
The salesman who can't sell himself to his wife
Yeah, she's not my wife.
AH HAAA!
SEE?
Now look:
Here's what we're gonna do:
We lose a few races.
We get the handicap way down.
and then when things look good
we make a bet and we clean up!
How much?
-Y'know, a horse, if he was lucky
and he ran a few races and won
you could win a hundred thousand dollars in a season.
-but outside of the race track where the
REAL race is running:
You could make a hundred thousand dollars in a MONTH!
And that was twenty-some years ago.
Okay so what happens though when someone finds out?
Like who?
-I don't know!
Like Cat Man or whoever it was you thought I was when I showed up
It's not against the law to lose a race!
So what? The jockey's in on this too?
Yeah because it's easier than trying to explain it all to the horse.
Weren't you too tall to be a jockey?
Yeah. Yeah, that's right.
But y'know what happened was I grew 5 inches
right in the middle of my prime
and it ruined everything.
Which is exactly what my ex-wife said to me on our honeymoon!
How'd you get in trouble?
You name it! With her?
She's a bitch!
Y'know, you talk to her: Hi Honey! and--
With RACING.
Oh. Okay. That.
Well what happened was
It was this whole...
doping scandal.
I got confused!
-I stuck the steriods in MY ass.
I was supposed to put it in the horse's-
How could you make a muh
Okay look:
You need to find a trainer
and I need to find a horse who runs faster than I do.
So let's do this:
We'll defer the cost of feed and labor.
Okay.
Right?
I'll train the horse.
-Kind of.
But I still have to wet my beak a little bit
But what I'm going to do for you is I'm going to
cut my usual fee from six thousand
to three thousand dollars a month
and then after that
Twenty cents of every dollar going forward.
Standard.
We are having a hard week at our house
I'm not sure I have three extra grand this month.
-Well we BOTH
will...if you trust me
and stick with the plan!
Now what do ya say?
Do we got a deal on this?
Come on!
Hop in!
The
The business is warm!
Alright!
Now, remember: You have to explain the plan to her
It's not my job to deal with an angry wife!
I understand.
And she's not my wife!
Okay.
Hey! Can we go smoke some pot in your car?
Before you go?
Yeah, I gotta get home, okay?
OOOH!
So you admit you have pot in your car now, dontcha?
-I gotta go tell Leslie The Big Plan
Ohhh yes! Go tell Leslie The Big Plan
I wouldn't want you to get in trouble with your
FI-UNS-SEE
It's not like that Barry.
[Philip chews loudly]
Mmmmphh.
So how much money are we talking?
Those funny hats aren't free!
What does that even mean?
Are you high?
-Y'know? I kind of
smelled something like it out at the ranch.
-That must be what you're smelling.
-Anyways! I did what you said.
[DOOR KICKED OPEN]
-I looked into it.
PHILIP Perfect deal
PHILIP He takes the horse. We can afford it.
PHILIP Horse gets pampered
PHILIP We make money the whole time
PHILIP It's a great situation!
[GLASS SMASHING]
LESLIE How do you know he's any good?
PHILIP I used your idea. I asked Richard.
PHILIP He recommended him.
He's this guy who used to be this famous jockey and
something happened, he got accused of some shit.
But he's back now!
And he's ready to get into business with us.
Well so why exactly did he leave?
I dunno. We didn't really get into it.
I had to be home for dinner.
[CAR STARTS]
PINKY Grow up Bitterman!
PINKY We know you're hiding.
[LOUD CRASH]
LESLIE Well, I would have to meet him.
PHILIP He said he can come pick up the horse anytime.
PHILIP You can meet him then.
PHILIP I just thought the Trumans
were in the horse racing...
scene so...
maybe that'd be a good way to get in with them, but
y'know, we don't have to.
♪♪♪
LESLIE Don't say anything about racing or the horse to anyone!
PHILIP I'm going to try not to say anything all night.
PHILIP Thank you!
LESLIE Hi, hello, thank you!
Put it on! You HAVE to wear it.
I'm not wearing it.
You're wearing it! Don't embarrass me.
Wanna hit the bar?
Please behave. I don't ask you for much.
Folks! Could I have y'alls attention for a minute please?
Thank y'all very much.
I promise I'll make this short and sweet
Kinda like my grand-daughter over there!
[LAUGHTER]
-But anyway uh...
I appreciate y'all being here tonight. Y'all look fantastic.
-And I want to thank y'all for y'all's contributions.
-And really for supporting my campaign.
The fact that you trust me with your money
really motivates me to be the best treasurer this state's ever seen!
Unlike my opponent who
-I'm not really sure can balance his check book
-Much less a state budget, uh.. [LAUGHTER]
-There's really two things we need to get this campaign
over the finish line and to victory!
And that is:
[UNISON] SIGNS IN YARDS
AND VOTES ON CARDS!
Thank y'all very much!
[APPLAUSE]
ETHEL Bravo!
Wasn't he just wonderful up there?
I'd vote for him.
Um..
What we need is your donation, dear
Not your vote
Your vote is assumed.
The money is expected.
Surely, your mother
over time has
explained the rules and how it all works around here?
Of course.
Oh.
Good!
So I can continue to count on you
for the SIZEABLE contributions
we've grown accustomed to from the Heart family?
Definitely.
ZACHARY ROTHSCHILD This guy! Right here!
You're going.
You're going!
You're gettin' there.
That was a great, great speech.
WHOO
Did you, uh...
did you hear that last line?
Yeah. I did.
Touching.
The way it rhymed like that.
It was good.
Mmm!
"Touching"
I never-yeah!
Well.
Yeah.
I...
Well, I wrote it.
Ahh!
You wrote what?
The end of that speech.
Oh?
The last line.
Congratulations.
I wrote, I wrote the end of that speech!
That was great!
Well thank you. Very much.
Cheers!
I, uh, yeah
I work, I work for the Truman campaign.
Right, yeah, you were, uh
You were telling me that last time we met.
Philip!
Philip.
I never forget a face.
Sometimes a name.
Put 'er there buddy!
Zachary.
Zachary Rothschild.
Nice to see you again.
Again? Again! Again.
Right right right.
Isn't it a bit hot for gloves, dear?
Oh, no. They're okay.
In my day, when a woman wore gloves, it meant...
she was hiding something.
Oh now now chin up! I didn't mean you necessarily.
I know.
Heh.
ZACHARY Ooo! So, uh...
ZACHARY Yeah, what are you...
ZACHARY You still flippin' uh..
timeshares was it?
Yeah! See? Your memory's coming back.
Yeah, yeah. You-
How d'you
how...how do you get into that?
Y'know, did you start with
with telemarketing and then
pyrimad schemes then MLMs or...?
No, generally you start with a six figure capitol investment.
Oh!
Are you interested in fractional ownership?
Factional?
"Fractional" ownership.
"Factional"
We don't, we don't generally use "timeshare" in the business anymore
because of
the way you said it.
So you are rebranding sir!
That is rebranding.
Using language.
You would do well in politics.
That is called "spin" my friend.
That is called Good Spin.
I like it!
I'm-
It's aspirational!
HEH HEH HEH!
Mmmm.
MmmMm.
[SLURP SOUNDS]
Oh this wine is NOT aspirational.
It's heavy on the "ass".
Surely...
Your mother left you with enough pieces
to get you by.
You know, until you could
appreciate a little and
Afford to buy a
a few pieces.
That woman had more rocks than Wilma Flintstone.
Mmm!
And then:
You can look into buying
a painting of a horse yourself!
That is...
You know, when you and Philip are in a position to afford one.
We've got a horse Ethel.
You do?
Really.
Yes.
Well!
Everybody's got to start somewhere.
ZACHARY Boy!
Did he deliver that last line!
Oh! Wasn't he amazing?
Amazing, darling.
Cheers to you.
Where's your button?
Well...I
I think I...
I did misplace it.
You did?
[LAUGHTER]
ETHEL I just want to see what she's going to do
ETHEL when she gets on her seventh glass of champagne
And I don't really...
I don't know if I really want to know...
JAMES Nah, probably not,
There's my favorite high society ladies!
-How y'all doin'?
Here's to the future treasurer of the state of Louisiana!
-Yes it is!
Here's to you!
How you doin', blue eyes?
Great!
Hello sir! I'm, uh, Muffie Heart--
-Heh. I'm LESLIE.
Muffie Heart's daughter.
Sorry for your loss.
-Oh. Thank you.
Thank you. Um!
Congratulations on what will no doubt be
a very successful campaign!
Uh, Ms. Heart.
It might be suitable
to address my granddaughter
-with your gloves on, but...
they are certainly to be removed
when greeting a person of stature!
Of course.
Time to go?
When you speak to Barry tomorrow...
You tell him: I'm In.
PHILIP Look at you!
BARRY Why don't you put her in #3 alright?
HANDLER Yes sir.
BARRY Philip!
Hey.
Wait a second Philip.
This isn't...
This isn't the girl I met yesterday!
What's going on?
AHHHHH
OHHHHHHHHH!
I gotcha! I gotcha!
I, uh
Lotta people don't know this but
In two action films
I played the role of Jew Jitzsu!
I forgot to mention: He comes with jokes.
See what I like to do is:
I like to start out being a little bit obnoxious
just to set a standard.
And then eventually
you'll see my heart of gold!
But I can see from THAT face
that you're not happy!
And I'm also a little bit frightened of you.
Leslie, right?
Yes. Hello.
Good to meet you.
So, Philip's been telling me that there's good money in racing.
Yeah. You can make a small fortune
from racing.
Unfortunately you usually start out with a big fortune
Well-
We're new to this. I mean, I-I just want to
find out how we can get started.
Alright. Let's grab a drink and talk about it.
What do ya say?
Let's go.
Let's do it!
BARRY Look and learn! Watch and learn!
BARRY Watch and listen! Listen and learn!
PHILIP Okay. Stop talking.
BARRY Okay.
MAN Nice shot, Bailing Barry!
These bar cues are bullshit! I can't work with this.
It's not professional.
So how long before she's ready to race?
Why wait?
We'll breeze her an eighth of a mile
for a few days
"Some Like It Heart"
That's her name!
-She's part of my family now and...
she deserves a name.
We'll breeze "Heart The Horse"
half the length of the race so she'll burn out early
-Little extra food at dinner time.
-Bucket of beer for breakfast instead of hay.
PHILIP They drink beer?
BARRY Oh, they love it!
Compared to real training it's actually
kind of a deal for them.
Wait. That's the plan? You WANT to lose?
-We talked about this for an hour and a half the other day!
What's wron-- he didn't tell you any of this?
What'd you get in trouble for back when you raced?
Fine!
You want me to tell you? I'll tell you.
I owed some money to some local guys
who worked for some foreign guys
who made it very clear to me
that I was to come in fourth or worse
They put me on a horse called "Golden Nugget".
It won three out of it's last four
The money they were going to win from THEIR horse winning
was supposed to cover my tab
They'd get paid out.
And all at the expense of me risking everything I've ever worked for.
ANNOUNCER Annnd they're off!
Madeline Winter, Hustle Hard and the Grace Of God are off and away
Glass Firmament fires to the front
but it's Golden Nugget winning the early lead!
BARRY This horse was a champion
won three out it's last four!
I couldn't stop him! He wanted to win!
ANNOUNCER He's stuck in the ruckus coming out of turn number one
ANNOUNCER Down the back stretch they go!
ANNOUNCER Madeline Winter the long-shot
I tried pulling on the reigns. I did the fake-whipping schtick.
but there's only so much you can do without getting busted!
ANNOUNCER Grace Of God and Madeline Winter. It's a stretch of three.
ANNOUNCER Glass Firmament on the outside
ANNOUNCER And it's round the final turn they go!
ANNOUNCER YOWZA YOWZA YOWZA
So now we're coming around the final turn.
ANNOUNCER Golden Nugget holding strong
ANNOUNCER The champion daring anyone to challenge for the lead
and is thus far going fully uncontested!
And uh...we're gonna win.
And I realize
there's only one option I have to me that doesn't include
gory death via mob.
ANNOUNCER All charging hard for second position
ANNOUNCER as Golden Nugget powers ahead by nine lengths.
ANNOUNCER Off and away to certain victory. Grace Of God--
ANNOUNCER OH NO! THE JOCKEY BAILED OFF
ANNOUNCER Bitterman has bailed off!
ANNOUNCER Golden Nugget is disqualified now running amok!
ANNOUNCER Oh my word! What a disgraceful display!
I bailed off.
-I got a ten year ban. My name ran through the mud.
-And now half the time I go anyplace
-Stupid assholes like this guy mouth off
He wasn't even alive when it happened!
Look at this guy!
I aim for an hour. Doesn't go in.
This guy just walks up like a dizzy man. Boom!
-Alright rack 'em up, Slim Pickins! We're playing this one for money
PHILIP You've lost the last three.
BARRY Gimme odds! C'mon Kenny Rogers.
A hundred bucks if I win. Twenty-five if you do.
PHILIP Uh. I don't bet...
BARRY Y'know, it shows poor character to become a completely different person
just because you're girlfriend's here.
[TRUMPHET PLAYS 'CALL TO POST']
ANNOUNCER We're back for another maiden special weight group today
Always great to see these young horses coming along
A few making their first lifetime start in this race
Some are showing improvement coming in others: not so much!
Erikynn Ace is the heavy favorite this race
as she debuts for a very strong stable!
Her morning works suggest that she'll be good to go today at first asking
The 3: Darn Good Signal
#5: "Through The Five-Hole" gets a better post to work with today
She just missed last time out.
For those that like to chase after long shots:
"Some Like It Heart"
Little known about this filly. Her works are just okay and
she'll strictly be a long-shot today in this, her career debut.
As we get set for the post-parade, standby!
VOICE-OVER Coming up tonight! On Maximum Exposure.
COLT Hard work. Delayed gratification.
Be patient. You'll be happier later.
VOICE OVER We catch up with celebirty horse trainer Colt Reynolds!
COLT I only really deal with people who are famous
Or of quality.
VOICE OVER Can he capture his fourth derby title
with pony protègè "Talk Veuve To Me"
COLT Once you've got the success you never want to let it go.
VOICE OVER Join us as Colt gets real about the high-stakes highs
and the last-lap lows of the racing world
COLT The morning after the battle is far more challenging
than the day of the battle.
And that's absolutely been true in my life
VOICE OVER And how he's managed to stay on top
of the racing world for two decades!
But that's all I'll tell you.
The rest you'll have fun learning by yourself.
VOICE OVER Tonight at 9, 8 central.
Our girl's up in Lexington right now.
Getting ready for the season.
Colt Reynolds has been working with her for two weeks
leading up to Saratoga.
ROSALINA Keep that winning streak going!
ETHEL Losing is tacky!
[LAUGHS]
It's got to be avoided at all costs, right?
And you dear!
How's your little hobby coming along?
Oh! Uh, which hobby is that?
Well, you mentioned you were dabbling in racing.
Or...
have we given that up already?
No! Uh. It's going good, yeah.
-Yeah? Yup
Oh!
So...you've raced her?
Uh, no, not yet.
So, uh, that wasn't your horse this Saturday?
Where'd you hear that?
I don't know! I just
have these two ears
and too many people just willing to fill them with the latest goings-ons
[LAUGHTER]
Things DO have a way of
getting around.
Get around!
That was our perspective trainer's horse
Oh!
Philip and I were just there to support him and watch the process
Oh, well, didn't do him much good did it?
[LAUGHS]
That poor baby came in four lengths behind the pack
It was going to be a photo finish but it got dark right at the end
[LAUGHTER]
Ten people have to lose Ethel.
ETHEL I think you've had enough icing.
Darling, C'mon.
What'd you have? Seven?
[HORSE GRUNTS]
PHILIP Careful honey!
Aw, she's gentle.
Good thing we're not trying to win.
Why?
Colt Reynolds.
Rich asshole.
No offense.
He has a horse in every race.
He's one of these try-hard jerks
who gives extra effort
and wins all the time because of his honesty
It's gross.
Bitterman.
BITTERMAN!
Heyyy...
-You're pretty jumpy. After all these years
I wouldn't think you'd STILL be jumpy.
Well
You're not on top of the racing world, believe me
but you're still in good shape I see
Oh! You know I'm training with Angelo Dundee these days.
Training. To take a fall?
-You don't need Angelo!
-I didn't even know they allowed guys like you back in this place
How'd you even get in here anyway?
You still have you fake ID?
COLT The two of you
I wish you the best of luck
With him: It's going to be all bad
Yup
Thank you!
ANNOUNCER "Chippy Kippy" is a beautiful filly
that will try to make some noise
If she can get some open road today:
Watch for "Chippy Kippy"
Riders are now up.
We're getting set to post parade.
The race favorite continues to be "Opinions Rae"
while the longest shot on the board is "Some Like It Heart"
[DOOR SLAMS]
RICH Barry!
RICH BARRY!
LADY Calm down!
RICH No I won't calm down!
Barry. Find me another silk or I'm not riding.
You are BUGBOY now.
You're late once: You give up your first name
You're late twice; You give up your second name
I was at the barn and no one was there.
You told me 12:30!
That doesn't sound like me!
-At any rate
-Philip and Leslie, this is BugBoy.
It's Rich.
Nice to meet you Rich.
Hi. I'm Philip. Nice to meet you.
Sorry...
RICH I'm used to him.
Where the hell have you been?
It's five minutes before the race!
What's the matter with you?
I'm NOT wearing this.
I made this especially for YOU!
Look at the wings here.
"BB". What do you think that stands for?
What?
Bailing Barry?
Oh wow.
Who needs to hear that right now?
No one.
ANNOUNCER Trying to gain from second is "Polly's Phoenix"
"Pink Moon" and "Jessica D" are together for third with
"Flower Power" "Some Like It Heart" and "Karma's Coming"
rounding out this one.
"Locke Shore" for the win!
over "Polly's Phoenix" and "Jessica D"
then came "Pink Moon" "Flower Power"
"Some Like It Heart" was next to last
over "Karma's Coming"
Hey, check it out! Because the casino-
track makes so much money now
They pay out a subsidy to ALL the horses.
Not just the Top 5.
So, boom!
850 bones.
Don't tell anybody where you got that.
Who's going to ask?
Winner only got about fifty-thousand dollars more.
Winning is a rich man's game.
This was a good day.
RICH You cut me off and you know it!
That asshole checked me!
Hey hey! Hey hey.
Watch your language dude!
[LAUGHING]
Okay, it's cold. Let's go. Let's go.
Hello Folks!
Hi!
Hi.
Oh hi!
Oh shit.
JP Goodman. Jockey Club President.
Oh is that what the "JP" stands for?
No sir.
It stand's for equal rights for women.
-Hello Miss
-Hi, hello.
JP
Philip. Ainsworth.
Philip is it.
Tremendous day for a race, wasn't it?
Yeah good day.
GREAT day.
Race day.
Wonderfine day.
BARRY Yeah. Ha ha.
How long you been racing?
Well this is just our second race--
Well actually we're going to head out now
because it's uh, getting so late
We're heading out because our horse gets too antsy
when it's been in the trailer all day
Bangs around.
Heard there was a bit of a ruckus up here
and I wanted to come by and make sure everybody
was still living and breathing.
Oh! No.
No ruckus.
Absolutely nothing on the ruckus front.
RICH Do it again and see what happens!
BARRY Easy easy!
Don't yell at the track.
I will not! He's just a glorified strapper!
You cut me off and you know it!
Jesus, Rich. Calm down.
I'm selling the goof, you goob.
Cut me off again, you asshole!
Yeah!
So, everybody managed to calm down?
Yes. We sedated him.
[LESLIE LAUGHS]
Well just wanted to make sure you folks were alright
and didn't need anything from us.
LESLIE Oh, no. We are GREAT.
We're gonna do better next time!
[BARRY LAUGHS]
That's true.
You couldn't do worse.
Alright, well: Ride Fast And Take Chances!
as we like to say.
That's the plan!
We will!
We will. Absolutely.
LESLIE Yup, yeah.
Alright.
Have a good night.
BARRY Thanks for checkin'.
Why do you just tell him the whole plan!
What's the matter with you?
What? What could I do? He asked me!
It's not our second race.
He asked me a question.
He didn't ask you how many races
It's not like he can't look at the records!
There's no reason-
Never give more than you're supposed to...give
Sorry I'm not a criminal.
ANNOUNCER Could today be the day for "Some Like It Heart"?
Horse player's don't think so.
She's the longest shot on the board.
"Some Like It Heart" is a big number on the tote board right now
She's 20/1 on the number line
and horse players appear to have lost any faith in this filly
"Some Like It Heart" is trying to be best of the rest
but the rest are well back in here
It's "Abra Girl" for the win!
"Some Like It Heart" deserves to be 30/1 in the morning line for this race
She has yet to show anything thus far in her career.
BARRY Yes!
Congrats.
They took 5 pounds off the saddle after the last race
This'll easily give us five more for next week.
I heard The Women talking about a race in a few weeks at Saratoga
It's the day before my birthday
and THAT is the one I want us to win.
Y'know, it's not really that simple.
You said we had to win one for this whole thing to work.
Yes.
But we need to cherry pick. Do a little research.
Make sure it's a race we actually have a shot at.
Well, we have three weeks to make it work.
I haven't asked anything of anyone during this
and I know you don't know me very well, Barry, but
I have been EXTREMELY reasonable so far
I got into this for money and spite
by the end of it
I WILL have won at one or the other.
I'll do my best.
[BARRY SINGS] Boom boom boom. Let's go up to my room.
And we can dippa booka buhboo--
I am DRUNK.
Bitterman.
Yeah!
You waiting for him too?
My name's Philip Ainsworth. I'm with the A.A.R.P
-Mr. Bitterman is six months behind on his dues.
-We're going to take the magazine away from him.
BRAIN -You think we're stupid?
We ain't stupid.
Bitterman.
Okay.
BRAIN We came here to trash the place.
But it's still fucked up from last time!
PINKIE That was a MONTH ago.
Bitterman.
I loved what you did with the place
I kept it the way you left it!
BRAIN Nah, nah.
We're gonna need
atleast five gees, y'know.
To call off Dr. Willis.
"Five gees"?
Five
THOUSAND
Bitterman
Look-
Nah no no, no 'look'
BRAIN You've done this to yourself!
PINKIE You don't live up to the HYPE
PINKIE Bitterman!
BRAIN We're good
reasonable people!
You made us this way...
BITTERMAN.
Like I told the guy on the phone two days ago:
I just need...
'til Thursday!
[EXHALES]
I'll get it for you.
BRAIN No, no, no, look:
BRAIN You promise things and then you fail!
BARRY I won't this time. I won't.
What if Thursday comes and goes?
What then, huh?
Huh Bitterman?
PINKIE Huh?
BRAIN HUH?
PINKIE HUH??
BRAIN HUH??!
[PHONE RINGS]
Hello?
Philip Ainsworth?
Speaking!
How the hell are ya Philip? This is JP Goodman.
We met a few weeks back? Do you recall?
Oh yes! Hello.
Mr. Goodman. Nice to hear from you. How are ya?
Reason I'm calling today is
since we ran into each other
I've noticed you've been having a
helluva bad streak of luck past few times out.
Yeah, well my girlfriend inherited uh, this horse from her father
and we've been trying our hand at racing it and, uh
As you know it's not an easy path.
It's not easy!
Takes a lot of years and a lot of luck.
And a great trainer, first and foremost.
Heh. Right,
Right.
You're not a trainer yourself are you Philip?
No!
You found yourself one?
Uh...
Yeah, well, we had one recommended to us
It was a friend of mine,
I went to him, asked him and he recommended me one, yeah,
Hmm
Have you at all familiarized yourself with Rule 155.5
of the Jockey Club Code Of Ethics?
It states: "No person shall be guilty of any improper conduct
or inappropriate behaviour"
Is this about the jockey ruckus?
I wish it was.
LESLIE Okay. And then what did you say?
Y'know, I just bullshitted.
I said, y'know we're doing, erm--
we're learning our way
we're, we're losing some races
but Barry's been very professional
This guy did NOT like Barry.
Okay? I understand that because I barely like Barry.
But he hasn't lied to us yet.
Y'know, he seemed to buy it.
Y'know, he's trying to
mob me up
He's trying to scare me with his mob tactics and I'm not--
"Mob tactics"
Mob tactics, just tactics.
I'm not saying he's in the mob.
I'm saying he's mob adjacent.
[LESLIE SIGHS]
It'll be fine.
Yes he was throwing all sorts of regulations and rules at me
but there's a difference between regulations and laws, okay?
We're not breaking laws We're breaking rules.
So.
Just keep your shit together and we'll be fine.
OUR shit.
Let's keep OUR shit together.
Oh my god.
-I'll be fine.
I'm a, I'm a
I'm a salesman. I can do this.
You are so far out of your element.
No, I'm not.
Okay.
I'm getting to my element.
-If this screws something up with The Truman Tea Table Ladies
I am THIS close to getting my seat.
I WILL murder you.
Yeah. I've already priced that in.
KATZMAN You promised three-thousand per month
until the full thirty was paid back.
Three months have passed.
You're making us this way Bitterman.
BARRY I'm going to get you the money!
KATZMAN You think this is a game? Dr. Willis doesn't play games
and I wouldn't know who would've told you that he does.
You can't just jump off a horse this time.
What's that supposed to mean?
KATZMAN What's that supposed to-- I'm sending someone to see you.
[PHONE HANGS UP]
[in Spanish]
CARLOS Mister Barry!
What?
[speaks Spanish]
Can we deal with this later at some future juncture please?
[speaks Spanish]
Okay. That'll be all?
-Si.
Si!
Why don't you SI your way out!
BARRY I just want to let you know
The horse is looking really good
Uh, the action is nice.
I think this is REALLY going to turn out well!
Why do you seem surprised?
I'm not surprised, you just never know until you hit the gas pedal.
Y'know, JP Goodman called me.
He called YOU?
Yeah. At home.
What'd he say?
He wanted to know what it was like working with you?
And what'd you say?
I said it was fine!
I said it was wonderful.
"Wonderful"?
I said something positive like that.
Alright screw him. He doesn't know anything.
Yeah. That's what I said.
You said that to him?
To Leslie!
Y'know just--
These-a bunch-a--
Just forget these assholes! We don't need them.
Alright. Okay.
You've been straight with me so far.
I'll stay cool.
Everything's lined up real nice.
I got a guy in Spain who's going to place the bet,
so that, all we need now is the five gees.
Okay good!
H-How we gunna do this?
How are we going to....do what?
The guy is placing the bet
We need the five gees!
That's great.
Is this a quiz? Wha-
I don't understand what's happening here.
Look!
I want to get this right. Anything could go wrong.
Banks could close. Something could happen.
i just want to get the money over to him as quickly as I can.
Why are you acting like there's a bee in your shirt?
Because I've got to get the money over to him!
Wait, he doesn't have the money?
YOU have the money!
I don't have the money.
All the money I got in so far
I put towards a birthday present for Leslie!
That was a really selfish thing to do.
I thought we were a team!
LESLIE What are you doing?
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
He's good!
This guy's funny!
This is going to be good.
You didn't tell me he was so funny!
[PHONE RINGS]
PINKIE What day is it?
I got the five gees. Where are you two?
What DAY is it?
I know. I'm sorry.
You're making us this way. Bitterman.
The guy with the money was a TOTAL flake.
All the time, he's got a hundred excuses
He's blaming everybody else.
I can't help that!
What's 24 hours?
One day past your promise.
I trust you'll find our "Final Message"
It's dead.
I'm dead.
I'm dead!
CARLOS Hello?
Carlos! Shh shh!
CARLOS [speaks Spanish]
Acute! Acute moi?
Carlos! I have a horse
neuvo uno uno
situation!
You gotta get back here pronto!
Horse Emergencia!
How the hell did you get in here?
['OREO EXPRESS' GRUNTS]
CARLOS Mister Barry!
[in Spanish]
Can we deal with this later at some future juncture please?
[in Spanish]
You said you were reasonable people!
i TOLD you I had the money
and then-
[WHISPERS] then you killed...
you shoot the god-damned horse?
And it's not even my hor-
SHUT UP!
AND LISTEN FOR A CHANGE!
IIII'M DOING THE TALKING!
It's not even my horse!
And the woman who owns the horse
She's terrifying!
Do you know what's going to happen to me now?
DO YOU?
WOMAN Why on EARTH are you ringing my phone at this ungodly hour?
I am so sorry Ma'am.
WOMAN Jesus, Mary and Joseph!
I must've mis-dailed--
WOMAN YOUNG MAN!
Ma'am, please don't yell at me.
ANNOUNCER Alright! Here we go!
It's the first Big Race of the season for these fillies!
Traveling six furlongs for a purse of fifty-four thousand dollars!
"Talk Veuve To Me" is the fav.
Second choice:
"Natascha Beauty" here at 2/1
"Some Like It Heart" shows up again.
She's got this white heart mark on her hip
so she's always wearing her heart on her sleeve, so to speak
Yet to win, she's going to be your longest shot without a doubt!
PHILIP HEY BUDDY!
WHOA!
BARRY Hey! C'mon!
Jesus!
PHILIP Sorry! You're going to have a stroke, calm down!
Not if you don't sneak up behind me and clamp my shoulders!
You could've been anybody!
I'm sorry! Jesus...
BARRY Jesus Christmas!
I'm sorry.
I'm just-I'm a, uh, uh...
Oreo died last night. I'm just shaken up by it.
LESLIE Oh my god Barry. I'm so sorry!
It's okay. I'll be fine.
We'll win today in his honor right?
LESLIE I'm already so attached to Heart I can't imagine losing her!
Alright, look:
Good luck in there. Everything's going to be fine.
BARRY I'll find you guys after the race. Bugboy's in charge.
BARRY So, it should be fine. I don't know where I'm going to be.
BARRY I'll find you guys later.
ANNOUNCER #6 "Talk Veuve To Me"
going up for the Trumans and trainer Colt Reynolds.
She's the heavy favorite here at 3/5
ANNOUNCER #6 "Talk Veuve To Me"
going up for the Trumans and trainer Colt Reynolds.
She's the heavy favorite here at 3/5
and has all the tools and talent to get the job done today
This race appears to have her name written all over it.
PHILIP Oh hey, that looks like our horse!
BARRY This is "Oreo Express"
BARRY He won me a lot of money until he got lazy on me.
PHILIP Good looking animal though.
BARRY Exactly.
BARRY They all look good.
BARRY Nobody knows anything!
That's why the plan works!
Barry!
ROSALINA Oh! Hello! Look at you!
ROSALINA Got those rosy cheeks! You been drinking that hooch, huh?
[LAUGHTER]
So you've come up here to witness the lifestyle?
Oh! No, Ethel. We have a horse running in the next race actually.
Oh!
Oh...you don't say.
Yes.
Well as fate would have it So do we!
[LAUGHS]
Wow!
So, uh, Roz
Looks like the stage is being set for a good old-fashioned throw down
Yes! We're gonna THROW YOU DOWN!
Stomp on your FACE! Haha.
ANNOUNCER Final call to wager!
PHILIP Here you go!
What's wrong?
Where's Barry?
I'm sure he's hiding somewhere like he said.
Why? What's going on?
Nothin'...
ANNOUNCER They're standing in line!
[GATES BURST OPEN]
ANNOUNCER They're off and it is on!
"Talk Veuve To Me" wanted first call and she's got it!
up between horses: "Hurricane Pine" and "Erikynn Ace"
then "Netminder" "Some Like It Heart" had a slow beginning
She's next to last ahead of "Natascha Beauty"
So the front three heads apart into the far turn!
"Talk Veuve To Me" going up widest of all against Erikynn Ace
Along inside is "Hurricane Pine" right there with them!
"Netminder" and "Aubrey's Penny"
She's begins to pick it up from way back following her is "Natascha Beauty"
Rounding the turn it's "Erikynn Ace" in front.
"Talk Veuve To Me" still challenging
Following that is "Natascha Beauty" rounding that far turn
It's time to SHOW 'EM if you GOT 'EMMM!
This is "Erikynn Ace" and "Talk Veuve To Me"
They're 1-2!
Here comes "Some Like It Heart" at a big number!
"Natascha Beauty" closing in!
Down to the final length!
"Some Like It Heart" went by!
LESLIE Oh my god! Oh my god!
ANNOUNCER "Talk Veuve To Me" not today!
"Some Like It Heart"! She looks the crowd over with defiance!
It's going to be "Some Like It Heart" at 50/1 and that just happened!
PHILIP Yes! Yes.
ANNOUNCER It's like she just knew!
Today is the day for "Some Like It Heart"!
and she's 50 to 1!
ETHEL Well, well, well...
Congratulations, dear.
Thank you, Ethel.
It's was very close.
You certainly taught us a thing or two.
Next time...
do it with YOUR horse.
I can keep a secret...
if you can.
ROSALINA She's really great at keeping secrets
PHILIP I still haven't found Barry.
LESLIE Bitterman screwed us.
I don't know HOW he did...
but he did.
This was supposed to be OUR day.
I am sick and tired of people thinking they can walk all over me.
It's going to stop!
BARRY Hey Philip!
Oooh! Happy Birthday! How we feelin'?
Feeling good! I'm already spending money in my head right now.
Everything's great.
We're thrilled.
That's great!
May I have a word with you in private, please?
No. No. I'm done with this.
-Because you're going to tell me some crazy shit.
And I'm going to have to explain it to her.
She's going to yell at me.
Yes, you are.
-And I'm not doing it anymore, okay?
So, if you've got something to say: Say it to both of us.
May I have a word with BOTH of you in private please..
BARRY First of all, I feel it's necessary to remind everyone
we won fifty-four thousand dollars today and SECONDLY:
We never had a signed contract.
Okay?
Uh, this was a handshake deal!
so you can't sue me if anything ever happens
"Sue you"?
I never...
placed the bet with The Beard
Why not? What happened?
I panicked! I didn't want to lose your money!
You said we had a chance to win today!
This is all going to actually work out great!
Okay? We got some money now!
We got the Jockey Club off our back.
And now we can just start fresh!
LESLIE Where's my horse Barry?
BARRY That's, uh, uh...
BARRY What?
BARRY Oh. Okay...
What is that?
That's spray paint.
Spray paint!
BARRY Spray paint.
Where was there spray paint?
On the horse's ass, mostly.
While you all are screwing around and arguing before a race
I place my hand on her heart and say a quiet prayer for her safety.
LESLIE and today, it bled off into my hand
So I'd like you to tell me where my horse is...
or I'm going to get someone from the Jockey Club to find it for me.
Oooh, they're not going to find it.
Excuse me?
BARRY Your, your horse died two nights ago.
PHILIP Aww for fucks sake, Barry!
BARRY I'm so sorry!
BARRY I'm sorry!
When were you going to tell us this?
BARRY Well, I was going to run it by him and see how he took it
before I ruined your birthday but
HE BLEW IT!
So that's where we are now.
What horse won the race then?
That was Oreo!
The freeloader?
Today he ran like Horse Carl Lewis!
How did our horse die?
Well, either by accident
or because of some very, very angry business people
I didn't wait to find out!
I wanted to put the time to figuring out
how to win the race
for your BIRTHDAY, I might add.
Alright, so then what's the plan?
What do you mean?
When's the next race?
BARRY You said you were reasonable people!
I told you I had the money!
PINKIE We didn't kill your horse Bitterman
BARRY What?
PINKIE We THREATENED to break your thumbs!
PINKIE Pull yourself together.
PINKIE You're so screwed up!
[ON PHONE] Hey, it's Leslie
We'll be at the ranch at 6:30 tomorrow
Yes, everything's fine.
See you then.
Oh, it's just you two!
I thought you were going to bring some goons to
-beat me up or something
Everything's fine, Barry.
We're okay?
Yeah, of course.
Oh man! Because uh...
Uh, I just also-
I wanted to let you know:
That your horse:
-It was a heart attack.
And it wasn't those, those horrible people who were ransacking my ranch
And...
-I gotta tell you:
-I have just felt
HORRIBLE about this. Since I found her.
I dunno what to say. I feel terrible.
I appreciate that, Barry. Thank you for telling me.
BARRY Also, I wanted to let you know:
That I had insured Oreo for a silly amount of money.
Back in her prime.
And since the two horses look so similiar
I figured go ahead and FILE the claim
-with YOUR horse
Pretty soon we're going to be all seeing a little bit of mailbox money!
Whose idea was that?
What do you mean 'whose idea'? It was MY idea.
Well, I didn't know anything about that!
How could you? I just told you right now.
-Hey look! The settlement's going to be for mid six figures, okay?
I'm going to cut you in for 40%.
I figured I, I should get the bigger cut since I...
came up with the plan and took all the risk!
Okay we should be focusing on the race tomorrow
Yeah, it's going to be hard to finish last now, right?
LESLIE What do you mean?
-What do I mean?
We're going to start to run Oreo at the back of the pack
Gotta get the handicap down so we can get the money back up!
LESLIE Why would we do that?
BARRY I don't understand!
We're Playing Possum!
This is what we do! Get the money--
What is the matter--
Are you guys just shooting all my ideas down today?
I mean:
When am I going to get some credit for being the brains of this operation?
You know what Barry?
-Let's start now.
What's going on?
JP GOODMAN Bailing Barry.
I think I've heard enough!
BARRY HEY!
Get your hands off me!
COME ON GUYS
This is not right!
You'll hear from my SOMEBODY!
[PHONE RINGS]
Hello?
ZACHARY Phil-lip!
Speaking?
Zachary Rothschild. Truman campaign.
You got time for a little ear beating over some business?
I get nervous as FUCK at these things.
Really?
Really!
Uh, yeah, of course. How are you?
Congrats on the win. Ethel SURE was pissed.
[LAUGHTER]
ZACHARY So, now, look
I've got a good news/bad news type deal here
Sinning is expensive but your wife's got a few new friends
willing to foot the bill.
Tidy up this little mess you're in.
Now, the Bad News is
Well if you consider it bad compared to trail or jail, I guess
Right.
ZACHARY You prize money and horses will be forfeited for your win
and your racing career has been permenantly retired by
Mr. JP Goodman himself.
ANNOUNCER Coming up tonight on Maximum Exposure!
REPORTER What's a Fiddling Horse?
Barry?
What's a Fiddling Horse?
ZACHARY Well I like you Philip. You're a sharp guy
and I know your company's been in the shitter the last while and
do you know...why that is?
Not specifically no.
-Because you need a team that can recognize one another in the dark.
And I believe in you!
So I've got 2, 3 other brothers of mine
to make an investment in the Ainsworth brand!
INTERVIEWER So what did you think of the Bitterman scandal?
COLT [sighs] Which one?
Are we chronological?
Or do you want me to take you a walk through history?
ZACHARY Now, we'll have to meet and see what's what
before any checks get cashed but we want to...
make sure everyone in our family is flush!
Want to make sure those donation checks keep, uh...
keep back this way. [LAUGHS]
But all jokes aside here, Phil-
We're about two months out so it's best to start thinking about
what level contribution you can make, y'know?
Help put us all get over the finish line.
Strength and beauty ain't free...
Okay! Just so you know:
I commissioned this BEFORE we became criminals, so
Happy Birthday!
Hope you like it.
I love it.
Okay.
I have to say it IS pretty impressive.
LESLIE Horse ain't bad either...