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Hi, Sam.
Angela Sullivan with Front Page. Nice to meet you in person finally.
Nice to meet you, too.
To start us off, tell us who you are.
Name? Where you're from? What we're here to talk about? What's your story?
Two, one, two.
One, two.
Hello?
Hi! I'm... I'm Jen.
I'm the interior designer, come about the living room remodel.
- I'm early. - Hi. Yeah.
- Hi. - Hi. I'm Sam.
Hi.
You are nasty pretty.
Excuse me?
When you called the other day on the phone, I told my dad that you sounded pretty.
And he's like, "How can you tell what somebody looks like over the phone?
I bet you she's tubby."
And I was like, "I bet you she is nasty pretty."
Me and my dad we bicker, and-
Come on... come on inside.
Well, what is all this?
Oh, I'm just... I'm working out.
Yeah. I mean, you've got your computer, and your punchy thingy.
It's kind of nerdy yet athletic.
Yeah, and... and it is fairly good.
Well?
Well what?
Do you want to show me something?
Yeah.
I mean, I'm not that into violence but, um, the workout obviously keeps you in shape.
Yeah.
Anyways, I'm... I'm... I'm just starting to study this guy.
He's a legend. Chuck.
He does this over and right thing, or if you land it right on the button,
- you know, like knock somebody uncon... - Oh, what's the button?
The button is a little nerve right here that's behind your jaw.
If you hit somebody directly on the chin, it knocks them out unconsciously like you...
Sounds sexy.
Right. What?
Yeah. So, alright, what he does is... here.
- Stand there for me like this. - Oh. Hmm.
So,
um, and what it does is... put your hands up... and he does the series like check
- the distance, check the distance, and then, bam! - Oh!
Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Shit, shit, shit! Dad!
Hey!
Oh, gah! Oh, damn, why?
You all right?
I am Sam Bransby, and this is my story.
I'm from Vegas... not that Vegas... the real Vegas.
Nobody's from Vegas, right?
Who the fuck is from Vegas?
Outside of the stupid fucking shows, and the shiny strip,
and dudes thinking they're high rollers for a weekend,
it's the Vegas that nobody knows about.
It's ugly, like, it's hot, dry, and ugly.
I have a dead mom from cancer and a factory-working father.
What's my story? My story is this.
I have a chip on both shoulders.
First one came when my mom died.
Second one came when my old man's life savings and pension was embezzled
leaving me to take care of him.
I was gonna wreck every bone in the bodies of the CEO and COO that did it.
A developing story late this afternoon.
Police were called to the 500 Block of Trailwood Drive in Summerlin
where two prominent business executives were found severely beaten and wounded in their car.
But somebody else got to them first
so I went to work for that somebody.
Sam, you're sucking on my thumb again.
- Hmm? - Um.
Put it back in there.
No, it's wet.
I like it when it's wet.
I want you to meet my dad.
All this talk about your dad is totally putting the kibosh on my erection.
I'm sorry.
Oh, it's a little bit of a baby arm.
Ha, ha, ha.
It's a pee boner.
What a dork! Wait!
Is it the pee or me that's making you hard?
Both.
No, no, it can't be both.
- Sure, it can. - No.
Yeah, because... okay, if you weren't here I would have a pee boner
having sex with you in my mind.
Do you ever think of anybody else when you... you're doing it in your mind?
Rachael Ray.
Wait, wait, wait. The cooking girl?
- Yeah, she's spunky. - That is weird.
She's spunky, and she could make me a delicious snack in 30 minutes or less.
Oh, no, UFC Sam.
Come on, tomorrow... hey, tomorrow...
My dad's coming back from the Detroit office today
and so have lunch with us tomorrow.
- You gotta tap. - Hey, hey, hey, it's... see, I'm... Easy, sweetie.
So you're serious about this, huh?
Yeah.
Just like one of those relationship stepping stones I guess.
- Yeah. - I don't know, it just seems like very soon.
Soon? It's been seven months, fucker!
Oh!
The gestation period for a deer is eight months.
A deer?
Yes.
So our relationship is not even a full-grown deer yet.
Nice, Sam.
I'm just saying, like, I'm just nervous about that.
I mean, he's not even your real dad.
Yeah, well, Mike's dad to me, okay?
Mike.
I'll buy you some of those little boy panties that you like,
and I'll touch myself in front of you if you do it.
Let's call him right now.
I wish you'd call him now, and get out of the way because...
- No. - I'm just totally game for that.
But...
- Stop. - What? Hello.
- Quit. - No, no, I actually got somebody.
Oh, shit, no! I'm... I'm sorry.
No, I'm already clean.
Sam.
Gra... gracias.
Why do you have a maid service programmed into your speed dial?
You see, um, this is really important to me.
Okay? I mean, since my mom's gone, I-
I used... I'm trying to keep some semblance of a family together.
Okay.
Alright, yes. I will meet Mike.
- Yes, I will meet Mike. Yes. - Oh, thank you, baby.
- All right. There. - I love you. I love you.
Yeah.
Pound on that.
I have to work in the morning though so...
Oh, yeah, what... they... they transferred you? What are you doing now?
No, no, it's just the same... it's just boring IT shit.
I'm sure it's not boring. It's probably really cool.
I mean, you're making so much more money.
- What are you doing? - Yeah, yeah, no, it is. It is. It's actually pretty cool.
The dude, like, we have a head guy and I'm pretty much like a bike messenger,
but they send us out to do... to do IT work. It's pretty cool.
The head guy or my boss, he'll give me a call.
Yes, hello.
Is Sam there?
And he just gives me like a quick rundown
of what the job will be, and where he's sending me.
Tommy.
How are you? Poor beavers need to be fed.
Sideways.
That's what I said, sideways.
And the Steelers are going to be playing an excellent game this Sunday.
Do you understand me?
And then he sends me some paperwork.
You know I bring it to you.
Oh!
And like upfront cash 'cause our pay... you know, 'cause I... it's a... a 1099 job,
like, I'm an independent contractor/consultant.
And then from that, I can get a basic idea of what needs to be done or what the problem is.
When I get there, so I know exactly what kind of like, you know, geeky,
boring IT shit I need to bring there.
And usually when I get there, it's like nobody knows why I'm there,
and it's like two cats fucking in a bag.
Yeah, excuse me, hi.
- Hi. - Can I help you?
I'm just here to upgrade the server upstairs.
Um, 104.
It's-
- Man, I like your frosty tips. - What server up-
do you?
No. They're fading.
They're actually highlights, but I'm getting it redone tomorrow.
You should. You should because I think that they bring out your inner spartan.
Oh, my god.
Do you?
Spartan?
I'm Josh, by the way.
Yes.
Absolutely, Josh.
Oh...
Oh my goodness.
My flamingoes.
Yay!
- What? - I ordered two live flamingoes for my-
No.
Oh, shits! Due to another gang of meerkat slip...
You... you handle the flamingo situation, I'm gonna go upstairs and find the server.
Everything is gonna be... everything is gonna be fine.
I'm probably gonna make noise.
Why?
This dude last week at my first job was, like, the biggest fucking Chauncey.
Can I help you with something?
I'm here to upgrade the server.
I have a work order.
Who the fuck is this kid?
IT guy.
I didn't call for an IT guy.
Get him out of here, Skinny. I don't have time for this.
Screech, hey, you gotta go.
No.
Did you hear him?
Hmm.
Tiny Tim, do I have to put a bullet in your ass? Get out.
This is my head.
My ass is down.
Aim... aim lower.
Funny man.
Whoa, whoa.
Hey, hey, hey.
Jesus Christ!
What are you doing?
Oh! Good show, man.
I put you fucking down, boy.
You're doing incredible, man.
...put him right on the ground.
And why does he have a gun?
What?
Why does he have a gun?
He's my bodyguard.
Well, I'm keeping this.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Look! Look! I don't want any trouble, all right?
Don't worry. It won't be okay.
Good.
What?
Good?
Yeah.
What? You're right.
Maybe I should just go.
I should just leave.
Good idea.
- Right. I will. - All right.
But then I just show them why I'm there, and they figure it out,
and then from that point on it's pretty much simple.
Is that right?
Fuck you!
I just hook up my laptop to their system.
Whoa!
Run a diagnostic, figure out the problem,
and then I just get rid of, you know, whatever's causing the problem.
Holy shit! You're a bad guy.
Get off.
Get off of me.
You little fuck.
Done.
Wow! Sounds like geeky IT shit.
Yeah, yeah, I know, exactly, you bastard.
Oh, come on! I'm kidding.
I lay my life out on the line for you...
- I'm sorry. - what do you do?
- I bet you're amazing. - I'm pretty badass.
- I've noticed. - I fuck shit up.
So who were these guys you would essentially be targeting?
Uh, sometimes CEOs or CFOs,
but typically the big-money guys or what's called placement agents.
Placement agents.
People who place large pension or other retirement funds with hedge funds or other assets
- to ensure that they grow, correct? - Yeah, yeah.
They place them in what's called alternative assets
which really just means they have access to the funds.
They can do whatever they want with them, and then charge a fee.
But it's hard for them to not just skim off the top of the pot, or shit, take the pot.
The entire State of Kentucky got theirs taken by somebody.
I'm gonna go 'cause Pop probably wants his breakfast.
Oh, yeah, how's your dad?
- He's all right, I guess. - You tell him hello for me, okay?
- I will. - Give him a kiss.
I will give him a kiss.
Cheek or tongue?
Stop.
- You want me to tongue my dad for you? - No.
Both.
All right. Hey, don't you have to pee?
No, that's weird. It's like
totally gone.
Where does it go?
You are such a dork.
Does it like seep into my knee or something?
I love you.
I love you, too, donkey.
So, remember, tomorrow lunch.
Yes. Lunch. Big day.
Meet the pops.
All right. Later. Yeah. I'll call you. Bye.
Hee-ya!
Good morning, Pop.
Good morning.
- Mwah! - What are you doing? Get off me. Jesus!
- Easy, that's from Jen. She says to say hello. - Yeah.
Why don't you watch in the big TV? I bought you the big TV so you can see it better.
You should have her over more often.
She makes a good breakfast and on time.
You don't like company, dickweed.
Up yours.
Hey, Pop.
- What? - Does it hurt when I do this to your arm?
- Yeah, it hurts, bastard ass. - That hurts your shoulder?
Yes.
- Did you order something? - No.
- Sure? - No!
You didn't order any, like, stones or cakes?
No, no, no.
- Lug nuts? - No.
Okay.
Mr. Bransbury.
Hi.
- Bransby. - Sure.
What? Hey, Paco, Enrique.
That's not their names.
Yeah, I know, I'm sorry. I forget their names.
What... what bring... Why are you guys here?
What? Did I do something wrong?
No.
It's what you don't right.
Come here.
Can you... can you give us a minute, Pop?
- All right. All right. - Just give me a second.
Go. Go watch Sugars.
So, go ahead, you guys can sit down, if you want, or stand.
What the fuck are you eating?
This? Apples and peanut butter.
It's good. It's like two totally different things going on inside your mouth, you know?
It's... it's seriously good. It's like a... it's like a mouth amusement park.
Who's that?
Hmm? That's donkey.
My girlfriend.
It's Jen.
You call her donkey?
Yeah.
One time when we were in bed and we were doing it, she farted,
and we were watching Winnie the Pooh at the same time.
She tried to blame the fart on Eeyore, the goddamn donkey, man.
Ha, ha, I totally knew it's her, duh!
So I wanted to tell you that you've recovered more funds
in your first job than any one of our other hits.
Seriously?
Fuck, that is awesome, man. That is tits.
Seriously, it was so cool, you guys should have been there.
The first dude, the one bodyguard, the skinny black guy, I took his gun right from him,
shot him with it as he was on the ground.
And then Onteveros, I put him in a rear naked choke.
That shit was so deep, dude, I had him in the whole time while I was doing the transfer.
You know what that is, right? The neck... you choke and you put...
Yeah. I'm kind of familiar with that move.
I knew you weren't the typical IT guy when you brought torning soap with the bone.
Over a white card.
Look, Bro, I'm telling you, man.
We evolved from amphibians. All right?
- No, no. - We used to have tails and everything.
No, Bro, look, you need to get Discovery Channel, okay? Because we come from primates.
Where do you get amphibians?
What are you talking primates, man, come on.
We come from amphibians.
- We had tails. - Where the fuck is my white card?
I took it. I needed one for home.
We breathe through our skin. You see these little holes.
That's where we breathe through.
People are always taking my shit.
Yeah.
Totally sorry about that, man. It was... I lost my temper.
Let's throw something, okay? You can kill a man? Not an idea.
You've done very well for us, son.
I... we came to deliver your balance, and to tell you
that this
is not a game.
If you slip up, even once,
this whole operation is connected to us so you have to disappear.
You understand?
- Yeah. - Connection, bro.
Yeah, I understand.
Yes.
This guy is a real dickhead, you understand?
He's been stealing auto workers' pension funds and transferring them into Canadian accounts.
- This... this is my next job? This is for me? - Mm-hmm.
This fucking guy, he offed his own wife a couple of years back for asking too many questions.
Oh, shit.
Huh!
This is 187 million.
This is crazy.
What? There's no pictures though. I need some pictures.
No, you don't... you... you don't need it, no.
Everything you need for the wire transfer is right there.
You figure out when you get there.
I'll have, eh, Cotto and Chato to guard the perimeter.
Okay.
So,
one, namaste.
No... no mistakes.
Namaste.
Right. No mistakes.
No, no. That but namaste.
Namaste.
Oh! Na... Namaste. Namaste.
Oh, I get it. Spiritual.
I mean, you can go out the front.
You can go out the regular door. You don't have to go through the window.
Namaste.
Lux.
So you two look finished.
So I will bring you the check, and you want to take that home?
Oh, no, I'm fine.
Thanks.
So Sam is meeting us for lunch tomorrow.
I can't have lunch two days in a row.
Why not?
Too busy.
Too busy?
Dad.
This is... this is really big what I'm asking here.
This is a good one, huh?
Yeah.
I think he's the one.
The one?
Great.
- You know, he just... he got this great promotion at work. - Promotion, great, that's good.
- He's got a new house. - New house. Good.
He's got this really huge, dinosaur cock.
Great, great.
And he just loves to pound my pussy.
What?
Are you sure you don't want a box for that?
No, I'm... I'm fine. Thanks.
I was just checking to see if you're listening.
Okay. All right.
Dad! Michael!
Listen, I'm trying to tell you something really important, okay?
I'm asking you to meet my possible future husband.
Okay.
Okay? So the least you can do is give me the time of day.
- Do... do you understand what I'm saying? - Yes, I understand, Jennifer.
I mean, you haven't been listening to a word that I've been saying.
I brought you a box.
Just put the lettuce in the box.
Okay.
Great.
Thanks.
Okay.
I understand, Jennifer. This is what I'm gonna do.
I'm working from home tomorrow.
I want you to come by 11:30,
and I promise you I will drop everything to meet that boy.
Thank you, Dad.
Hola, Sam.
Those shorts are really cute.
- Quiet. - I like your man bag.
Yeah.
Go do your thing.
Go put your thing down.
Can I help you?
Oh, I don't have you on the list.
Who were you sent by?
OnStar.
OnStar? Like in the cars?
OnShore.
Oh, okay. And, uh, who are you here to see?
Oh, last name is Knight.
First name is Pinson.
What's your name?
Amber.
Amber! Yes, absolutely. Nice to meet you.
So what... you work here in the living room?
Oh, no, I just temp for Mr. Knight when he's working from home, but
my real passion in life is hair.
Right.
I... I definitely see that.
Hmm, thank you.
Absolutely, and from what... from what I remember, Mr. Knight,
he's the one with the red hair.
Black guy.
- Oh, black guy. - Mm-hmm.
Yes, no red hair.
It's just been so long so absolutely.
So, yeah, we have an adult content download virus.
Oh, I don't need to be knowing all of Mr. Knight's business like that.
Y'all can find out that stuff down the hallway.
Oh, yeah, absolutely. I'm gonna run a new port for him so I just gonna make a ton of noise.
Oh, it's okay. I got my iPod.
Oh, nice, yes. Smack it, flip it, rub it down.
Jam.
I don't know. What is it? Sorry, you're just awesome.
Hmm, like me a little white meat.
Yeah, that's a nice shirt.
Thanks a lot.
My kid gave it to me.
- Yeah? - Mm-hmm.
That's pretty cool, too, rugby shirt.
Macy's white flower day special...
Hi, just the IT guy.
There's a wireless problem and I need to run a new port, and now there's a virus download.
OnShore, IT guy.
Yeah, I got a work order.
All right.
You guys do what you got to do.
Whoa.
That is loud in here.
I think you just stepped both feet in it.
Ha, ha.
You...
Fuck you, man.
Okay.
Breathe through your fucking nose, okay? Breathe through your fucking nose, okay?
Now, say what I say, okay?
Just tell her that, um, tell her to
run out for some refreshments, you know, grab herself some Gatorade.
Come back in a half hour or so.
All right? Say every fucking word I say, okay?
First of all, kid, I don't know who the fuck you are, but you're gonna die.
Second of all, I don't talk like that.
Okay, okay.
Make it your own.
Make it in your own words.
Amber, it's okay.
IT... IT guy's got the door shut.
He's got to run some wires.
Why don't you go ahead and take the rest of the day off?
Oh, okay.
Sure.
Got myself a half day.
I'm gonna bogo at Payless; buy one, get one free.
Good, good, good. Take the day off, you know, truly that's good.
I don't know why I haven't even thought of it. Come on. Just stay up, stand up.
All right.
Now, sit here.
Be good, okay? You know what? An FYI, just FYI,
Okay, that's for the little... just like I'm gonna die comment, okay? All right.
Now, just sit here and I want you to be good, okay?
'Cause if you don't be good then I'm gonna... I'm gonna dislocate this shoulder.
Screw you.
What? Screw me? No, no, no.
This is, screw you, okay? Pinson.
Fuck.
What the fuck is that anyways?
Screw me!
You, sit up now.
Okay. So what is... this account access is here, right?
- Dad. Sam. - This one.
- Sam, what's happening? - Jen.
Jennifer.
- Hi. - Hey, this is my dad.
No. Dad? No.
What? Oh, shit! No this is... this Pinson.
Pinson, this is Jen.
Yeah. Yeah, he goes by Mike.
Mike Knight? That's even worse.
- Oh, you have this... - No.
This is... this is my stepdad.
Meet the Pops.
I'll call you.
Hee-ya! Hee-ya! Hee-ya!
Nice to meet you.
- What are you... what are you... - Get the fuck out of here.
- What are you doing? - Um...
Beating the piss out of your stepdad.
Oh, my god.
- Oh, my god. - I can explain. I can explain.
Sam, why do you have blood on you? What is going on?
- No, just, it's okay. - Do you know this kid, Jennifer?
What... Shut the fuck up.
Yeah, he's... this... this is my boyfriend.
It's okay. It's alright. Just let me explain.
Explain it to the cops, motherfucker.
Sam, stop. Stop. Just...
I don't want him to talk anymore, okay?
This is what you do?
This is your geeky IT shit?
This is how you solve all of your problems, isn't it?
- I didn't lie. - You just beat people up and you... you kill them.
I take back from people what is not theirs.
It's like Robin Hood except I'm... it's like salmon hood
except I'm not a fish or anything like that.
I just... this right here
is account 25, 29-
$187 million
that he took.
$187 million
from workers.
The thing that's gonna be there when they retire then it's not... it's not there.
And then the workers sit for 18 hours a day in front of the television
because they're so fucking depressed that they don't know their ass from their face.
$187 million
so that he can make wives
that ask too many questions disappear.
Don't believe a thing he says, Jennifer.
- Stop it. - I don't want him to fucking talk anymore, okay?
Sorry.
So what do we do now?
I just transfer from this account into my account in my system.
And?
I'd beat him until he's unrecognizable.
- No, I can't... I can't. - Yeah.
- No. - Yes, I have to.
It's my job.
Sam, I can't.
There are people who will make me disappear if I don't do this.
Sam, I love you, but please just... just... just go.
You know what? Just go.
I can fix this.
- I'll just go talk to them and you come with me. - No.
- Now, you fix this, come on. - No.
- No, seriously, I can talk it over with them. - No, just go.
I'll call you later.
Yeah, call me later.
I don't want to go out there without my shirt on, but I will.
Fuckers! Fucking fuck me, man, leave me in my fucking house.
- All right. - What?
- Take it easy. - Yeah.
Fucking guy.
Let's go, man.
Pop.
- Pop. - Hmm.
Wake up.
Oh, I messed up.
Oh, boy, I really fucked up.
I...
This thing, it...
This...
I just...
Fuck.
I need you to hide.
- Hide? - Yeah, I need you to hide.
I don't wanna hide.
And what the hell for?
- Come on. Come on. - Can you keep it down?
Come on, Pop, please, okay? It's what I didn't do.
All right.
Jeez.
Please, just, this thing with getting back the money and...
Well, it went wrong, okay?
- Yeah. - Yeah, so just get in the box.
In the box?
Yeah, get in... get in the table box.
Come on.
Poke holes in it like I'm a hamster?
- Yeah, poke holes in it. - Shit.
All right. Just sit down and I'll just put holes in it.
I'm sitting down.
Is that enough? That's enough.
It's enough.
All right.
Jesus.
Scoot over a little bit.
Put your hands up.
All right.
Can you breathe?
I'm in here.
There's a stupid cocksucker!
Easy, easy, easy, easy, easy.
You fucking knew.
You fucking knew it was her dad.
- You knew it all the time. - We did.
We did, but we needed to test you and you know what? You failed the test.
You made it personal.
She was standing right there. Jen was right in front of me.
Like, how am I supposed to go through with it?
I don't fucking care.
That's not my problem.
You understand? You fuck up.
All right. We need... we need to find... we need to find some kind of middle ground here, okay?
We need... we need to figure out some form of homeostasis.
Homeo what?
You know, it's like a property of open system particularly among living organisms
to regulate the internal environment,
you know? It's something nice... a stable constant condition.
With all due respect to science,
I told you if you fuck up even once,
you have to disappear.
So come on,
let's go bye-bye in the car, huh?
- I'm gonna break your arm. - Oh.
- Hey, easy. - What happened to homeostasis?
Oh, yeah, you're right. You're right.
Pick him up.
You're right. You're right exactly, okay? Exactly.
We got the same goal here, okay? We got... we're going for the same thing.
We just need to... we need... we need to figure this out.
In order for me to sustain my operation I can't have any mistakes.
Don't you understand? If even one of these head honchos
identifies us, it's bye-bye pension recovery force.
Pension recovery force.
That's got a ring to it.
That's nice.
Come on, let's go.
Hi.
- Hi. - Hi, I'm Jen.
- Nice to meet you, donkey. - Yeah, it's nice to... wait you...
Or is it Jen, I guess?
You told them?
What? It came out of a nervous conversation.
I'm sorry about that. Get out of here.
What do you mean get out of here you, goof? I just completed that
$187 million transfer that you requested, you goof.
Thank you.
- Yeah. - Thanks. Thanks a bunch.
Yeah. And I, uh, disposed of Mr. Knight for you like you asked.
Good. Great.
- Appreciate that. - What? Wait a minute.
What it... what is it that she is talking about?
Oh, I, well, you... Sam recruited me as an inside man or woman, you know?
Woman.
And so I have my dad's laptop in here, and I saved all of his account names,
and numbers, and passwords, and all those locations and things.
I put them on the desktop, okay? So you can just take that away.
Yeah, and you know, there is a lot more than $187 million in there.
I guess you should have dug a little deeper.
Yeah, dig deeper, deep dickhead.
You know, here, I'm gonna give you this back because this is... this is real heavy.
- Yes, it is heavy. - Okay.
It's a heavy gun.
So...
Can I get out now?
Oops, sorry.
Yeah, come on, Pop.
Call.
Give me a call.
I have a little something for you.
I talked to your dad today.
- Yeah. - Mm-hmm.
Kind of smooth things over as best as I could.
He was just mad about his shoulder though, but that's okay.
- Good. - You know, when I talked to him,
I also asked him if I could give you a real one of these.
So you can always be my donkey.
Hi, burrito.
What are you doing?
Where did you come from?
I got another job for you.
Yeah, another job is great but this is kind of like bad time.
I'm trying to, like, establish a little something here.
I know. What did she say? She hasn't answered yet.
So what's your answer?
- Yes! - Fuck you.
This is crazy, man.
- Oh, I got bubbles in my nose. - You got bubbles in.
Bubbles in my nose.
I'm gonna get in with you.
- Get out! No! - Can I get in?
- Just fuck off me. - Why?
What the fuck are you doing? Who the fuck are you? Get the fuck off.
Greatest year to date.
All right, Pop.
There's these, and I got you some fresh J.
You don't take that with that.
Don't wash that down with that this time, right?
That better not be my brother.
Don't be a dick, you bastard ass.
That's my brother Ronnie.
Ah, Ronnie.
Ronnie had a little incident with ecstasy, wasn't a good person to have around
'cause he would call the cops all the time.
He would call the cops when the cable went out.
He called the cops on the toaster once.
Get off him, man.
Cut out the Jujutsu crap.
I'll cut it out when he starts to contribute.
Contribute.
You said contribute twice.
Well, yeah, whatever. What... tell me that you're not here for money.
I only need $50.
For what?
A new snorkel cap.
He's going to sleep.
Well, you wanna fight, huh?
Yeah, wait.
Knock it off.
Back down.
Sit down!
Guys, guys, what is going on?
Who the hell are these people?
What are you doing with them?
So she stepped in and said she'd had enough.
She flat-out told them that I wanted to quit
pension recovery force.
Did you?
Yeah.
Part of me wanted to live a normal life again, but I was also kind of addicted to it,
kind of like, you know, when soldiers go to war they hate the war,
but they can't live without it.
Kind of the same thing with me.
Hey, Pop, how you doing?
Meet us in the place in an hour to discuss the new job.
You have some holes in your game, Sam.
You got a little something on your chest that read pow-pow.
Don't go out the window.
My name is San Tiago.
Hey, relax.
You're not even Mexican.
You're a Puerto Rican, motherf...
Sorry.
I know what it's like to have difficulties with your brother.
You hate him but you need him for your go turn.
Use that, strengthen your undercarriage.
That makes no sense.
So we're engaged for one month, and suddenly you're making decisions for me?
I still don't know if I can live with you doing this.
You added a ton of gates and fences.
I did get him, man!
You are a bulldog.
Sam, meet KJ Chalk.
We brought him here to train you.
You almost went down in your last job because you keep dropping your fucking left.
I like your flat ears.
Oh, 'cause of the cauliflower thing.
Yeah.
How did you get rid of it? They're not all thick and bulbous anymore.
Surgery.
Why is he jacking me?
You see this? This is your next job.
It's a fucking woman?
She inherited her father's tool and die shop.
Twenty-eight machinists that think that their pension
is earning 9% but instead she bought a condo in Nice, France
so she could get her fucking pussy get out ragged up by fucking Euro guys, huh?
Alright.
Pause the training session.
I almost got you in the nuts.
I believe it's called Nice, France.
I think it's pronounced nee-say.
Like your sister's daughter or something.
Nice, France.
With all due respect! Excuse me, sweetheart...
To geography, suddenly out... out of the blue why... why is it a problem?
You guys gotta be fucking with me, huh? It's not about that.
It's just about getting these dudes back, and getting the money back,
and just doing it old west-style, and making them understand...
Because that's not the way I wanted to fucking go down.
What I want is something to do my way, I do it in my way, no?
How do we work, Sam? Tell me how we work.
We...
When we work, how do we work? And don't get me upset, you know, I don't like to get upset.
My blood sugar is low.
I don't have any food on me right now.
Tell me, what... what do we usually do? What do we usually do?
We prick your finger and test your blood.
Right.
- And then... then we do what you say. - Because you do right.
Right. That's what we do.
You know what?
I think I know somebody who can help you.
Tsk, tsk, tsk, pop, pop.
Get out of here.
Do what I tell you to do. Come on. Let's go. I got dizzy.
Hey.
So why did you want to meet here?
What's... what's going on and what... what's with the getup?
And what's this all about Mr. Mohring?
I'm here to do... I need... I need you to punch a lady.
- Oh, no. No. - Let's go.
Was that... when did that clown get here?
He's just a clown.
- What is he doing? No, I get it. - Yeah.
Oh!
Oh, my god! What the fuck, Sam? You fucking punched a clown.
He freaks me out.
- He freaked me out. - Oh, my god! Are you okay?
Ha, ha, ha.
I get it. Punching the clown.
Well, it's just the proximity.
- I've never been in that proximity. - Oh, my god. I'm so sorry.
Dick.
Dick. He's wearing dick.
- Hey, yeah. - Oh, god.
Here. What is it? Why do you have Jessica Steinman?
- Give me that. - Why do you have that? Jessica Steinman, why do you have that?
Can we just go?
Um, all right. Here, here, take this.
This is, uh, this is a grand... a grand for you.
I apologize for jacking you.
You keep that, but I'm gonna deliver this stuff for you.
Sir, you don't have to do this for him.
- Yeah. - You don't have to do any of this.
- Done. And done. - We'll take care of this.
I'll take the squeakies.
Squeegees. It's great.
Clown lingo.
Oh, I... I don't know that. I don't know the clown lingo.
Don't. Not again.
- Sam, so you asked me to come here so that we can talk. - Right.
And then you tell me you want to punch a lady.
Yeah, no.
Should...
What is going on out here? Can I help you?
Is that a clown?
Creepy, right? I know.
You're creeping me out.
Oh, no. Here. This... happy birthday.
I guess that's for you. He had that.
Turns out I'm not... I'm the mid messenger here.
I'm here... I need to get in the shop.
I need to get in the machine shop.
- If I can just... - Okay. Are you scheduled?
- Yeah. - All right.
Been scheduled for three months up there.
Okay.
Come in, I guess.
Just do whatever I say. Just go with this, okay?
Do you understand singing is very soothing for this so... so in three, one.
Please, please.
I wanna stay, papi.
I want you to know that we are with you
most literally in this room and in life.
You were my father's mentor back in '75.
Tiny Bob was your father?
Thank you for teaching me.
Now, I can feed my big baby.
Pop-pop.
Sí.
I get my height from my mother.
Mr. Bransby. I'm Roger, and I'm here to save the day.
Roger?
Roger.
Roger, that is great salesman lingo, but I am not a pity case.
Right. Don't... don't do the salesman line, okay?
Ah, yeah, duly noted.
Mr. Bransby, I'm here to get you back on track.
Whoop, there I go again with the salesmanship.
Again, I am not a pity case. Sam is taking care of me.
- I don't want anything. - No, it's not a pity case.
As part of pension recovery force,
we feel it's our duty to set up something stable for your future.
We're gonna be setting up some annuities for you.
You're gonna have money from money earning money.
Hey, is there another wordsmith in the room? Raise your hand.
I'll raise it up one time.
Coming through.
Something happened.
What... what happened?
Well, I fired all the office people because they were just hideous, hideous people.
Mad.
Uh, so who are you, and who are you with?
Chuck Rabot, C&C Specialist, got a call about a bear being out.
I'm just gonna pop a new one in there for you.
This is my wife, Amelie Poulain, bring-your-wife-to-workday.
Are you named from the... the movie?
- Yeah. - I love France!
Oh, wow, yeah.
Oh, boy.
Oh, wow, no.
It was just a giant, giant coincidence.
Oh, well, I love, love France.
Yeah, I was gonna relocate there to this lovely villa in Nice and then my father
passed and left me this god-awful factory to deal with.
Anyways, the workshop is back here.
Oh, my god! I've been to Cannes, but some people call it Con.
But I like to call it Cannes.
Anyways, the shop is...
She is gonna realize that we're not following her
and she's gonna be back in here in 18 seconds.
It takes me 57 seconds to transfer all of her embezzled funds
from her account into my account.
We have two choices at that point.
She will catch us.
And there are two choices.
Either we get arrested and I go through a lot of legal stuff and end up
wearing a jumpsuit for a long time.
- No. - Option B, you punch her, right in the button,
- knock her out and we walk out of here unscathed. - Sam.
Four, three, just be part of this, two, one.
Oh, shit.
Excuse me.
This is my office.
Hey! Hello! Wrong spot.
- Yeah. - What... who are you people?
Get... help! Somebody?
- Oh... oh, god. - Oh, yeah.
- Mm... hmm. - Sam.
Oh! Oh, my god.
Just be part of this.
How do you know about this?
I know where the button is.
- What button, bitch? What? - Check the distance. Check the distance.
Come on, baby. Just wake up.
Yeah. I just need to get a sig...
Yeah. Just call 911 please, or no, no, no.
Just... just help me, please.
What are you guys doing? Is this something you guys do or what?
Here's another thousand if you'll just help me.
A thousand?
- Yeah, please. - A thousand dollars?
- Please. - Shit.
Okay?
Again, with the squeegees.
- This is... - A thousand bucks!
Just... are you... just help me get him out of here, please.
Do you need help tomorrow 'cause I can call in sick at this job?
No. Just... just right now... right now it would be great if we can just move him out.
All right. Well, I need you to sign first.
Oh, my god. Just give it... give it to me. Fine.
Oh, my god.
I'm available. I'm off...
Here... here, no, it's... it's fine. It's fine.
- Tuesdays and Thursdays. - Please, just... just grab a part of him, and...
Is he dead or... am I moving a dead guy?
No, no, no, I... we just have to get him to somewhere.
- I don't know. - 'Cause, I mean, I'm not gonna...
Oh, oh god.
- Is he... he's dead, Ma'am. - Um...
Coming through.
Something happened.
What... what happened?
I... I... I don't know. He got hit in the head really hard, and then-
and his pulse was low and I didn't want to take him to the hospital.
Right. Right. Right. But what happened?
He passes out at the sight of his own mouth blood.
It's pretty cool.
Christ! Ronnie put something on his head when they were kids.
Ow-wee! Ow-wee!
You know what it means when your mouth bleeds, don't you?
It means you have a fly
living in your jaw.
Can I get out of here?
You know what? I actually am gonna skedaddle as well.
You mind dropping me off at the clean needle exchange?
Talk.
- Oh, I passed out at first. - You got kicked in the head?
Yeah, I could have ducked. She got me in the forehead, and then I did the stiff leg,
stiff arm thing just for like dramatic effect because I just wanted to watch you,
and make sure that you did it, and you came through.
She was great. She was like part of the team now.
Oh!
It was a ruse? It was a fucking ruse?
I don't even use the word ruse or fucking...
Shit, you've got me all out of sorts.
You wanted... you turn me into something that I don't even know what.
Sam, you have been lying to me.
With all these... these lies and lies and lies and you...
You tricked me.
You know after what you did to my dad, you know, it feels like you just took my heart
and you just attached it to the back of a couple of tractors, and told them
to drive in opposite directions, you know?
I hate what you are doing.
I'm not hurting innocent people.
I need you to be on board with this.
And you made me punch a woman I don't know.
You know, you think it's okay because they're bad people. What you are doing is wrong.
I disagree.
I'm done with this.
Calm down.
I am done with you.
You know, you... you need to handle your business? Handle it.
This girl, she's walking out, all this information.
The fuck is wrong with you, you stupid motherfucker?
You know I don't like to get upset, Sam.
My blood sugar is high right now.
You fucked this one up, little motherfucker.
Yeah.
It was your idea.
I don't feel good.
You are gonna give me fucking diabetes, you know? Fine.
I'm gonna eat something now.
Oh, hell to the uh.
Diantre's ass was out drinking all day,
and he thinks he's gonna go out with his friends again tonight.
Uh-uh.
I hate when Mark does shit like that, but you know what Mark does?
He drinks and then he has this amazing idea to go drive somewhere.
Brilliant.
Does Sam do shit like that, Jen?
Jen.
Earth to zoned-out bitch.
Welcome back, yeah.
Yeah, you know, he's... Oh, he's got his vices, yeah, sure.
Sure, yeah.
That's what they call them these days.
So by vices you mean what?
Yup.
You know what that means.
I'm sure he does.
Yeah.
So you know what I did, guys?
What?
I let him leave, and then I call the cops, and I reported a drunk driver.
- Holy shit. - Yeah, it happened.
And you turned in your man?
- Hell, yes, I did. - Did he get caught?
Hell, yes, he did and you know what? He don't drink no more.
- Oh my. - Oh, so wait, his drinking got so bad
that you decided you were gonna turn him in?
And then, oh, after he got arrested he just learned his lesson, so to speak?
Let me tell you something, little lady.
From my life experience, I have realized
sometimes you have to kick a boy in the nuts.
And in this case by... and in...
and in this case the kick in the nuts was a night in the pokey and a DUI.
Did he find out that you were the one that turned him in?
Oh, hell no, and even if he does, I mean, who bailed him out and then tugged him off.
I... he was okay with that?
Yes, he was okay with that.
There's Monica Newlove.
Hands in the middle! Liquid brunch on three.
- One, two, three, liquid brunch. - Liquid brunch.
Adjourned.
I can't get this blood off my shorts.
Try using peanut butter.
Peanut butter? That's brilliant.
Gum in the hair?
Oh, milk, man.
Just soak it in milk first and then you use the cold water, man.
Peanut butter.
You confuse the gum and the peanut butter. Come on, man.
Why don't we get that to... why don't we get that to...
You confuse gum and peanut butter? Big guy.
Same texture.
Sam, what are you doing here?
I want another job.
No.
We... you've been very busy already.
Now, take a break.
We already have one of our herbal double cheeseburgers taking care of seeds.
Yeah. Go... go home. Relax.
Drink some milk or something.
Control.
Remember, I told you control is good.
I just gotta get my mind off donkey, and all these pent-up-ness.
I need to unpent it.
Find me another job.
Okay. Breathe.
Breathe in, out.
They're doing it, too, so it's distracting.
Let me see what I got.
No, that's not gonna work.
It's too much. You're not ready yet.
Okay. Do you have a suit?
Alright, so does this make you feel better?
Yeah.
Grab a seat.
It's more private here so we can talk.
Mm-hmm.
Hmm.
Ouch.
Um, can you do that some other time?
- Yeah, well, I'll get it later. - Okay.
So continue.
So this person who I know,
technically, is breaking the law by doing something illegal.
He, you know... or she, is hurting people and stealing from them but...
Okay.
Do I know you, Detective O'Hayes?
I brought you a box.
Just put the lettuce in the box.
I don't think so.
Oh.
Okay. Okay. I got something for you. We got two guys. It's a health care partnership.
They wanna buy land, and you're going to sell them some, Sam, okay?
So just tell me about this person?
Well... well, hold on.
He's doing it to people who have also stolen.
The problem is
we have to find out where they're funneling the money.
Almost. So kind of like a scissor home?
Yeah. No. Wait. What... what's a scissor home?
They take on high risk-premiums, and then drop them as soon as they get a cold sore.
So you're going to squeeze them like, um,
like a cold sore.
That's good.
Yeah, that hurts when you do that, though.
You're not supposed to squeeze them.
No. Wait. What... Okay, well, never mind.
The bottom line is that this person who I care about is hurting people,
but they're bad people.
Okay.
And so I'm just trying to figure out if I could maybe get him arrested or, you know,
scare him enough just to get him to stop doing it.
You think you can handle that?
Yes.
- You feel strong, right? You can do it? - Yes. Yes.
Okay. Then you're ready, no? Hey.
Hey, Sam, be very careful.
These guys are big.
Are you going to sleep?
Yeah, don't worry, baby, yeah.
Yeah, baby.
Okay. Well, first of all, you can't take the law into your own hands.
It's not the Wild West anymore.
Hmm.
So you can't give me a name?
Mm-mm.
How about at least you give me your name?
Yeah, no.
Whoa, sit down.
Just sit down.
Yeah, yeah, listen, I mean, you came here to us.
We're here to help you, right?
So why don't you just report that crime that you wanted to report, okay?
I got it.
Yeah.
You have you ever had Louisiana Fried Chicken?
- No, man. - Hey, Tavares, Thaddius.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
You remember that bigwig we were tailing a couple of weeks ago,
a guy that we thought killed his wife?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Yeah, well his stepdaughter just came in here and wanna report a crime.
It was very obtuse.
Who was that guy she was with a couple of days ago?
Oh, man.
I think it was just some random guy she was dating.
Oh, you know? I don't think there was anything there.
All right. Thanks, fellows.
- All right. - No problem.
So you turned me in?
At least you could have cracked the windows for me.
Your greenhouse affected the shit out of me.
So you were just gonna let me turn you in,
you know, instead of just telling me what you did to my mom?
Look, you've been holding me hostage like Dolly Parton
in "9 to 5" trying to get this shit out of me.
I keep telling you, Jen, you really don't want to know.
Yeah.
Ready to turn me in? Yeah, 'cause I got lawyers, I got money.
And this case will circle and circle and circle and circle,
and it'll be years before they find out the gruesome details about what happened...
Oh, what... Gruesome details?
Oh, so, that's it?
You know, in the back of my mind I was... I was just wishing
that you had sent her away, you know, and that I could go find her.
And-
Wow! I guess I'm just naive.
Like I keep saying,
things got complicated.
- Complicated? - Yeah.
Right.
- Asshole. - Aww, shit, aww.
Damn.
Well, here's the 15,000 acres.
15,000 acres.
Wow! Development, Thaddius.
We're gonna definitely put some new life into this land.
It's all been sucked out.
Well, after all, that's what we do, right? We suck it out.
That was an inside joke, kid, don't worry about it.
- Inside. - After all.
That was wild country, right?
Wild country.
Did you guys know that a squirrel that lives in captivity
lives as long as 15, to 20 years,
but a squirrel that's in the wild only lives for one year.
Thanks for that.
What are you doing? Dude, what are you like getting gay on us?
What? No, no, no.
You two remind me of squirrels, you know, so I just... I'm sorry... I was just stretching.
- A short joke. - A metaphor.
A short joke.
- I know what. - Up yours.
Maybe we should keep you out of the way Tavares.
Let's get out of here.
Well, what I wanna know is what did you guys do with the embezzled healthcare fund?
Where's that at? I need to find out that. Where's that money?
You, sir, are way out of line.
You know what? Yeah, way out of it. Don't worry about it, it's not your problem.
Yeah, okay, here's what's gonna happen. You see, I am your bad guy.
You guys... you do bad things
and I know about it so I could just let our wonderful justice system
kind of handle it over time, but instead what I'm gonna do
is I'm just gonna put you both in pain...
- ...until you tell me... - until you tell me
where the accounts are, where the money's at, right? I just... but don't worry.
I'm gonna treat you like normal-sized persons, okay?
I'm... I'm gonna make you feel equal and in pain.
Unless, I really hit like... like down.
Well, how about this, Sam Bransby? You're under arrest.
No.
Why don't you put your hands up?
No. What?
You're under arrest.
- All right. - You guys are cops.
You have the right to remain silent.
- Put your hands up where... - No.
- What? - Yeah, like I said, put your hands up right now.
No, no, no, you guys are cops.
You know what? Just put your hands up. All right?
You're cops. You're fucking cops.
- That's right. - Let's go, man.
What the fuck?
Damn trouts! Bullshit.
Come on.
Where the fuck is the account?
Get off of me.
Get him off.
Just let it happen. Just let it happen.
For a soundbite, tell the camera where you are now.
Jail.
I'm... I'm in fucking jail.
This... you can't just haul off and get after people.
This is full-on prison.
OJ is here.
He was here.
He was my mess hall buddy, kind of a douchebag though.
You know, typically like black guys are cool.
They don't fall into the douchebag category.
OJ is a douche.
He really is a douche.
Your official charges were never listed as Murder 1.
Out of all the people you killed, how did you even get...
I didn't kill anybody? Did you see me kill anybody? No, I never killed anybody.
That's the fun thing about my case.
Yeah. No. They... that was... that wasn't the point.
The point was to hurt them, wake up every day with pain.
Pain from a bullet in their pelvis, or in their elbow, or on their shoulder,
and their neck.
Just pain every day.
That's what they deserve for their wrongdoing.
Yeah, but I was never out to kill anybody.
And you've been granted parole, released in 90 days.
Yeah, I gave them a shitload of evidence, good behavior.
Do you feel that you're rehabilitated?
Yeah.
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Made bad decisions, bad choices in the past, but not anymore.
Thank you, Sam.
That's it.
- Okay. - I appreciate your time.
I will send you a copy of the segment when it's done.
Okay.
Right. Excuse me. I'm just gonna...
Oh, sorry.
...right here.
That is on.
And let me just...
All right. That is off.
Great.
And the guards have my equipment bag
so I'll just get them and then come grab your mic, and be right back.
Do you stay here or...
No. No. They'll... they'll come get me.
Am I rehabilitated?
Ronnie.
Sorry I turned you in.
Fucking kidding me?
The whole fucking time.
Fucking ingrate!
Take me to the airport.
- Huh? - Take me to the airport.
Open the door.
What the hell did you do to Dad's car?
Fuck.
Where are we going?
The airport.
Which one?
The Reno.
Where are you going?
Phuket.
What? What the fuck is Phuket?
I didn't... I didn't tell you that. Just go.
Seat belt.
It's a desert road. Nobody is coming.
Okay, man.