0000 00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:10,000 YoubetCash.net Agen Judi Online Aman & Terpercaya 000 00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:15,000 Bonus Cashback Bola 6% Bonus Rollingan 0,80% 00 00:00:16,000 --> 00:00:20,000 Welcome Bonus Rp 25.000 Extra Bonus Tambahan Withdraw Rp 2.000.000 0 00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:25,000 CashBack Mix Parlay 100% Bonus Ajak teman 45,2% 1 00:00:34,366 --> 00:00:35,697 Dearly beloved, 2 00:00:35,739 --> 00:00:40,151 we are gathered here today to mourn the passing of a devoted husband, 3 00:00:40,734 --> 00:00:45,230 a loving father, a doting grandfather and loyal friend. 4 00:00:46,686 --> 00:00:49,351 I was lucky enough to spend some time with Arthur 5 00:00:49,392 --> 00:00:50,849 towards the end of his illness 6 00:00:50,890 --> 00:00:56,052 and, despite the sad circumstances, I always looked forward to those visits, 7 00:00:56,968 --> 00:01:00,630 knowing that I would be greeted with the joy and happiness 8 00:01:01,172 --> 00:01:03,128 for which he and Irene were so... 9 00:01:04,252 --> 00:01:06,167 Look, I'm sorry, this won't do. 10 00:01:06,209 --> 00:01:09,122 This family is grieving. You need to show some more respect. 11 00:01:09,164 --> 00:01:12,660 This family has paid for a high-quality funeral video. 12 00:01:12,702 --> 00:01:14,533 A lasting memory of a fond farewell. 13 00:01:16,864 --> 00:01:20,236 I got you as far as, "I always used to look forward to the visits." 14 00:01:21,568 --> 00:01:23,192 Look, go away. 15 00:01:25,564 --> 00:01:27,562 Piss off! 16 00:01:27,603 --> 00:01:31,766 Yeah, Bags, I think we've got enough. This family needs some space to grieve. 17 00:01:32,308 --> 00:01:33,057 OK. 18 00:01:33,098 --> 00:01:35,470 Good job. Thanks, everyone, for your patience. 19 00:01:35,512 --> 00:01:38,218 That's great. Could you not look directly in the camera? 20 00:01:38,260 --> 00:01:40,549 I told you to piss off! 21 00:02:00,196 --> 00:02:02,028 Hey, Baggy! Wait up! 22 00:02:03,027 --> 00:02:04,317 Bags! 23 00:02:06,939 --> 00:02:08,896 All right? 24 00:02:08,937 --> 00:02:10,810 So, good news. 25 00:02:10,852 --> 00:02:14,556 Fat Kenny Radford's grandmother died. Her funeral's on Saturday. Are you in? 26 00:02:17,221 --> 00:02:19,177 No. Right. 27 00:02:19,219 --> 00:02:22,299 I still think it's a good idea. Everyone's doing wedding videos. 28 00:02:22,341 --> 00:02:25,879 Funeral videos are a niche market. We just got a touchy family. 29 00:02:25,920 --> 00:02:27,627 I just want to make my own film. 30 00:02:27,668 --> 00:02:30,790 Come on, Bags. Do you think George Lucas never struggled? 31 00:02:30,832 --> 00:02:34,745 Ridley Scott, right, had to sell a lung to buy his first camera. That's a fact. 32 00:02:35,619 --> 00:02:37,634 We'll laugh about this when we shoot The Love Storm. 33 00:02:37,658 --> 00:02:39,074 Are we? Are we? 34 00:02:40,530 --> 00:02:43,153 There he is, having a little laugh already. Good. 35 00:02:43,195 --> 00:02:46,733 We'll make the first Oscar-winning end-of-term project in history. 36 00:02:47,233 --> 00:02:49,688 We can't stop now, man. We're this close. 37 00:02:49,730 --> 00:02:52,103 You are going to be up on that podium, thanking your mum, 38 00:02:52,144 --> 00:02:54,101 your agent, your producer. 39 00:02:54,142 --> 00:02:56,140 Thank you? Thanking you for what? 40 00:02:56,639 --> 00:03:00,011 - Making me do shit I don't want to do? - Bags, you're welcome. 41 00:03:00,927 --> 00:03:05,464 Uncovering The Language Of A Visual Event. 42 00:03:06,463 --> 00:03:08,669 Yep, I know what you're thinking. 43 00:03:08,711 --> 00:03:11,958 A major yawnathon, but hear me out, because this stuff 44 00:03:12,790 --> 00:03:14,496 is effing cool. 45 00:03:14,580 --> 00:03:18,576 So, fasten your seatbelts, we're about to take a trip into the avant-garde. 46 00:03:18,992 --> 00:03:22,488 In the words of Vanilla Ice, "Stop, collaborate and listen," 47 00:03:22,530 --> 00:03:26,194 because the film I'm about to show you here is important for two reasons. 48 00:03:26,568 --> 00:03:27,483 Uno. 49 00:03:27,525 --> 00:03:32,104 It paved the way for the experimental Austrian animation of the 1950s. 50 00:03:32,562 --> 00:03:35,392 And, dos, it's a short film. 51 00:03:35,434 --> 00:03:40,221 The very same medium we shall be exploring in our end-of-year projects. 52 00:03:40,263 --> 00:03:43,467 "What's that, Mr D? Short films? Two minutes?" 53 00:03:43,509 --> 00:03:45,424 "No sweat. Easy." 54 00:03:45,465 --> 00:03:47,713 Wrong, sailor, incorrect. 55 00:03:47,755 --> 00:03:51,127 Because it's not about how long it is. Is it? 56 00:03:52,375 --> 00:03:54,082 It's about what you do with it. 57 00:03:59,368 --> 00:04:04,321 So, yeah, granted, it's slightly different from previous years, shorter. 58 00:04:04,363 --> 00:04:06,903 But it's a challenging format and I... 59 00:04:06,944 --> 00:04:10,857 Excuse me, Mr Dulberg, sorry. Our script's a feature film, 90 minutes. 60 00:04:11,731 --> 00:04:16,434 Well, if it isn't Leatherhead's very own Spielberg and Weinstein. 61 00:04:16,518 --> 00:04:18,557 We've been working on it for three years. 62 00:04:18,599 --> 00:04:20,305 Yes, sorry about that, lads. 63 00:04:20,347 --> 00:04:22,887 My bad. I think you've got some editing to do. 64 00:04:22,928 --> 00:04:25,300 What? To two minutes? 65 00:04:25,342 --> 00:04:27,798 Guys, can we, can we have a bit of realism here? 66 00:04:27,840 --> 00:04:32,418 This is Leatherhead University, OK? Not UCLA. 67 00:04:32,460 --> 00:04:34,875 If you want a calling card, go to the printer's. 68 00:04:38,662 --> 00:04:40,535 Maybe it's for the best, darling. 69 00:04:41,534 --> 00:04:43,741 It was going to be our ticket to Hollywood. 70 00:04:43,782 --> 00:04:46,279 - Can I speak for you, Val? - Always, Stephen. 71 00:04:48,611 --> 00:04:53,107 The entertainment industry is an impossible road, full of obstacles. 72 00:04:53,314 --> 00:04:57,186 Now, we admire your ambition, Joe. Ambition is everything. 73 00:04:57,227 --> 00:04:58,767 You've got to follow your dream. 74 00:04:58,809 --> 00:05:03,804 That way, when you fail, you can always say, "Well, at least I tried." 75 00:05:04,345 --> 00:05:06,509 Gotcha. Thanks, Dad. 76 00:05:07,758 --> 00:05:10,297 Why don't you come in to work with me tomorrow? 77 00:05:10,339 --> 00:05:13,877 Get the feel of the place. Start learning the ropes. It might cheer you up a bit. 78 00:05:13,919 --> 00:05:16,916 That's a wonderful idea, Dad. 79 00:05:16,958 --> 00:05:19,039 Joe? 80 00:05:19,081 --> 00:05:20,495 Yeah, Dad, it sounds great, 81 00:05:21,162 --> 00:05:22,535 but I think I've got to... 82 00:05:23,451 --> 00:05:25,449 do things all day. 83 00:05:26,864 --> 00:05:28,862 Well, let's do it soon, all right? 84 00:05:28,904 --> 00:05:32,442 Term ends in a couple of months and then I want you trained up, quick-smart. 85 00:05:32,483 --> 00:05:34,815 After that, it's you and me. 86 00:05:34,856 --> 00:05:37,562 Clarke r Son School of Motoring. 87 00:05:37,603 --> 00:05:42,141 Seven top-of-the-range Fiestas. Walnut dash and a growing client base. 88 00:05:43,098 --> 00:05:45,096 You're set for life. 89 00:05:57,833 --> 00:06:01,204 Could you two find somewhere else to mope? You're depressing the regulars. 90 00:06:01,246 --> 00:06:04,410 Three years of film school, Lila, and I'll end up a driving instructor. 91 00:06:04,451 --> 00:06:05,825 At least it's a job, Joe. 92 00:06:05,867 --> 00:06:08,447 - It's a shit job. - It's an amazing job. 93 00:06:08,531 --> 00:06:13,027 It's the only job that is not only extremely boring, but, at the same time, very dangerous. 94 00:06:13,776 --> 00:06:16,832 - I'll be trapped in Leatherhead forever. - Hey, hey, don't knock Leatherhead. 95 00:06:16,856 --> 00:06:20,269 Sure, Hollywood's all right, but do they have a Kebabsolutely? 96 00:06:20,310 --> 00:06:21,559 Does it have a big Tesco? 97 00:06:22,225 --> 00:06:26,055 No. No, you're right, it's rubbish. It's all just bright lights 98 00:06:26,097 --> 00:06:29,218 and cool parties and premieres and beautiful women. 99 00:06:29,260 --> 00:06:31,799 Grace Kelly, Cameron Diaz. Jessica Rabbit. 100 00:06:34,546 --> 00:06:37,668 Yeah, you know you would. You'd do Jessica Rabbit in a heartbeat. 101 00:06:38,626 --> 00:06:41,706 You two are pathetic. You go on and on about Hollywood, 102 00:06:41,748 --> 00:06:44,245 but all you ever do is sit around here bugging me all day. 103 00:06:44,286 --> 00:06:45,702 You're all bark and no bite. 104 00:06:45,744 --> 00:06:47,884 "All fart and no follow through," as my gran would say. 105 00:06:47,908 --> 00:06:50,447 I follow through. I am doing stuff. 106 00:06:50,780 --> 00:06:53,444 - Pestering the recently bereaved? - It's a niche market. 107 00:06:54,276 --> 00:06:57,815 What I'm saying is, why are you letting some bitter, jealous, 108 00:06:57,857 --> 00:07:00,187 dead-end college lecturer stand in your way? 109 00:07:00,229 --> 00:07:03,517 Did Tarantino ask his teacher for permission to make Reservoir Dogs? 110 00:07:03,559 --> 00:07:05,099 London is 20 miles down the road, 111 00:07:05,140 --> 00:07:07,972 crammed full of film companies desperate for good ideas. 112 00:07:08,013 --> 00:07:09,386 Yeah. 113 00:07:09,428 --> 00:07:11,176 Bags, don't be so negative. 114 00:07:11,218 --> 00:07:15,547 No, no, you're right. We need to get out there. We need to get up in their faces. 115 00:07:15,589 --> 00:07:17,337 Let's take this mountain to Mohammed. 116 00:07:17,378 --> 00:07:20,792 Baggy, start the car, because we are going to London. 117 00:07:24,538 --> 00:07:27,702 The film industry is just like any other business, Bags. 118 00:07:27,993 --> 00:07:29,741 It's all about supply and demand. 119 00:07:30,115 --> 00:07:34,278 Film companies demand a great script and we are about to supply them with exactly that. 120 00:07:34,528 --> 00:07:37,026 We're like a dream come true for these guys. 121 00:07:37,067 --> 00:07:39,148 And we're going straight to the big dogs. 122 00:07:39,190 --> 00:07:43,561 Working Title. The most successful British film company ever. 123 00:07:54,175 --> 00:07:57,588 So, we're just going to walk in there, pitch the film and get the money? 124 00:07:57,630 --> 00:07:59,711 Come on, Bags, don't be so negative. 125 00:07:59,753 --> 00:08:02,667 It's like God said to Moses, "You've got to have faith." 126 00:08:03,041 --> 00:08:04,706 Wasn't that the fella from Wham? 127 00:08:04,748 --> 00:08:07,412 - No, Moses was never in Wham. - No, I mean... 128 00:08:10,742 --> 00:08:12,907 Hi, there. Joe Clarke, producer. 129 00:08:14,030 --> 00:08:16,111 Oh, my God, do men get lost in your eyes? 130 00:08:16,486 --> 00:08:21,106 If you keep pointing those things at me, I'm going to need a search party, because I'm lost. 131 00:08:21,606 --> 00:08:23,896 And I'm hungry. I may have to eat my friend here. 132 00:08:25,269 --> 00:08:26,809 Tasty! 133 00:08:26,851 --> 00:08:28,849 Hello, Working Title. 134 00:08:29,181 --> 00:08:30,181 Yes. 135 00:08:34,426 --> 00:08:36,674 Wonderful. OK, Chris, putting you through. 136 00:08:37,965 --> 00:08:40,774 - Sorry, sir. You were saying? - I may have to eat my friend here. 137 00:08:40,775 --> 00:08:42,000 What? 138 00:08:42,041 --> 00:08:44,164 Because of the eyes thing. 139 00:08:44,664 --> 00:08:46,204 You've got massive eyes. 140 00:08:47,370 --> 00:08:51,616 - Sorry, can I help you? - Yes, we're here to pitch a movie. 141 00:08:51,657 --> 00:08:55,320 - Right. Do you have an appointment? - No, but we do have a fantastic script. 142 00:08:55,737 --> 00:08:58,275 - Really? - Yes. It's perfect for Working Title. 143 00:08:58,817 --> 00:09:00,940 Hang on, because we're Working Title. 144 00:09:01,272 --> 00:09:02,563 This is fantastic news. 145 00:09:02,605 --> 00:09:06,476 I'll ring Mr Bevan and Mr Fellner, the head of the company, really important. 146 00:09:06,517 --> 00:09:10,722 They're in a big meeting with Universal Studios, but I'm sure they won't mind if I drag them out. 147 00:09:10,763 --> 00:09:13,427 I'm going to get them to read your script straight away, 148 00:09:13,469 --> 00:09:16,382 then the guys and the girls can start casting and budgeting 149 00:09:16,424 --> 00:09:18,755 and we'll all go out for champagne and teppanyaki. 150 00:09:20,462 --> 00:09:22,543 - Are you being sarcastic? - Yes, I am. 151 00:09:23,000 --> 00:09:24,583 You do need an appointment. 152 00:09:24,624 --> 00:09:27,205 I can't see your name here, Mr Clarke. 153 00:09:27,246 --> 00:09:29,578 - I'm sorry. - Well, keep looking. 154 00:09:29,619 --> 00:09:33,657 Just think, they could have stopped checking at Preparation G... they would have had nothing. 155 00:09:34,364 --> 00:09:37,570 No? OK. Well, Mr Brown, it looks like we're in trouble. 156 00:09:37,820 --> 00:09:41,107 - Our appointment's not in the book. - Are you Ian Brown? 157 00:09:42,481 --> 00:09:44,146 I'm Mr Brown. 158 00:09:44,188 --> 00:09:48,392 I'm terribly sorry. It's under Mr Brown's name and not yours. 159 00:09:49,224 --> 00:09:51,847 - 11 o'clock to see Graham Rose? - That's right. 160 00:09:51,889 --> 00:09:54,261 - Do you want to go through? - Yes. Thank you. 161 00:09:54,594 --> 00:09:56,801 It's The Big Chill meets Remains Of The Day. 162 00:09:57,383 --> 00:10:01,754 It's kind of a noir romance, but with elements of Welles, Capra, Soderbergh. 163 00:10:01,796 --> 00:10:03,794 It's a drama, but it's witty. 164 00:10:04,168 --> 00:10:06,707 Classic themes, but with a contemporary edge. 165 00:10:06,749 --> 00:10:08,539 Baggy, set the stage. 166 00:10:09,329 --> 00:10:11,286 Night. Thunder. 167 00:10:11,869 --> 00:10:14,033 Lightning. Rain. 168 00:10:14,699 --> 00:10:18,445 A secluded farmhouse on the edge of town. Our heroine walks to the door. 169 00:10:18,487 --> 00:10:21,484 Hands bound, face muddied, a haunted look in her eye. 170 00:10:21,734 --> 00:10:23,565 This is the story of an enigmatic woman 171 00:10:23,607 --> 00:10:26,895 who enters the lives of two people and changes them forever. 172 00:10:26,936 --> 00:10:29,601 - Enemies become friends... - Excuse me. Excuse me. 173 00:10:29,643 --> 00:10:31,724 I've got to be honest with you, Mr Brown. 174 00:10:31,766 --> 00:10:34,596 I thought you were just going to sell me some print cartridges. 175 00:10:36,302 --> 00:10:38,175 That's it, Joe. I want to go home now. 176 00:10:39,174 --> 00:10:41,506 Do you know how long it took Attenborough to make Gandhi? 177 00:10:41,547 --> 00:10:43,337 It took him ten, long, painful years 178 00:10:43,379 --> 00:10:46,001 and we've been at it for, like, two and a half hours. 179 00:10:46,709 --> 00:10:49,456 The good news is we're not making some boring, cry-baby movie 180 00:10:49,498 --> 00:10:51,537 about a bald bloke in a nappy. 181 00:10:51,579 --> 00:10:54,326 Yeah, I know it was a masterpiece, but you get the picture. 182 00:10:54,368 --> 00:10:56,491 Full steam ahead, my friend, full steam... 183 00:10:57,115 --> 00:10:58,780 Bags! Bags! 184 00:10:59,738 --> 00:11:01,569 It's like a sign. 185 00:11:02,110 --> 00:11:03,234 It is a sign. 186 00:11:06,189 --> 00:11:10,435 If you're looking for Angeline, she's next door. I should warn you, she used to be a bloke. 187 00:11:10,477 --> 00:11:12,974 No, we've come to see you, Mr President, sir. 188 00:11:13,015 --> 00:11:15,180 We're filmmakers. We've got an appointment. 189 00:11:15,222 --> 00:11:17,969 Producer Joe Clarke. This is the director, John Bagley. 190 00:11:18,260 --> 00:11:20,633 We've got a very exciting project for you, The Love Storm. 191 00:11:20,675 --> 00:11:22,423 Baggy, do the pitch. 192 00:11:22,465 --> 00:11:25,295 Night. Thunder. Lightning. Rain. 193 00:11:25,337 --> 00:11:28,167 - Show these two wankers the door. - No, no. Look... 194 00:11:28,209 --> 00:11:30,997 I know you're a very busy man, but we just want two minutes. 195 00:11:31,039 --> 00:11:34,952 This is a great pitch. We're talking big money, yeah? 196 00:11:34,993 --> 00:11:37,283 Accolades. Awards. 197 00:11:37,325 --> 00:11:39,281 All right, Tweedledee. Two minutes. Go. 198 00:11:39,323 --> 00:11:41,112 Night. Thunder. 199 00:11:41,154 --> 00:11:43,110 Lightning. Rain. 200 00:11:43,152 --> 00:11:45,692 A secluded farmhouse on the edge of town. 201 00:11:45,733 --> 00:11:47,565 This is the story of an enigmatic woman 202 00:11:47,606 --> 00:11:50,770 who enters the lives of two people and changes them forever. 203 00:11:50,811 --> 00:11:54,474 Enemies become friends. Friends become lovers. 204 00:11:54,516 --> 00:11:57,305 - She was a stranger... - Then she shagged the lot of them. 205 00:11:59,511 --> 00:12:02,633 Yeah. Am I sensing there isn't enough sex in this movie for you? 206 00:12:02,675 --> 00:12:05,755 You two tadpoles come wandering in off the street like Hansel and Gretel. 207 00:12:05,796 --> 00:12:09,501 You've got chutzpah, I like that. I give you two minutes, you never know. 208 00:12:09,543 --> 00:12:12,498 You might have some girl next door banging yard dogs. 209 00:12:12,540 --> 00:12:14,621 Or a colony of midget friends shagging each other. 210 00:12:14,663 --> 00:12:16,619 You're calling it Itty Bitty Gang Bang. 211 00:12:16,661 --> 00:12:18,783 Then you start talking about awards, 212 00:12:18,824 --> 00:12:21,447 without one single mention of the word "pussy". 213 00:12:22,613 --> 00:12:24,153 Do you see that? 214 00:12:24,611 --> 00:12:28,565 Now that is the only thing that gets the Academy's juices flowing around here. 215 00:12:30,937 --> 00:12:33,893 - Candy Fiveways. - Do you know who Candy Fiveways is? 216 00:12:33,934 --> 00:12:36,349 Yes. She was in I Candy 2. 217 00:12:36,391 --> 00:12:38,180 - And? - And... 218 00:12:38,680 --> 00:12:40,345 It was her sexiest role yet. 219 00:12:41,511 --> 00:12:43,675 "We laughed, we cried, we tugged ourselves dry." 220 00:12:43,717 --> 00:12:47,046 Listen, Candy Fiveways is the biggest name in adult entertainment. 221 00:12:47,088 --> 00:12:49,835 The patron saint of the old Nescafé handshake. 222 00:12:49,877 --> 00:12:51,542 She's got three Cocks. 223 00:12:53,624 --> 00:12:56,870 Golden Cockerels. The Oscars of the adult entertainment industry. 224 00:12:56,911 --> 00:12:58,909 A first-class ticket to the big time. 225 00:12:59,534 --> 00:13:01,906 Now, if you had her in your film, we could do business, 226 00:13:01,948 --> 00:13:03,755 but you don't, so we can't and I'm a busy man. 227 00:13:03,779 --> 00:13:05,902 Now your two minutes ended two minutes ago. 228 00:13:05,944 --> 00:13:07,775 Robby, sling 'em out. 229 00:13:14,436 --> 00:13:17,724 That went well. We just got a movie offer. 230 00:13:19,098 --> 00:13:20,263 What? 231 00:13:20,305 --> 00:13:22,345 In amongst the tough-guy stuff was a message. 232 00:13:22,386 --> 00:13:25,258 "A bit of a rewrite, the right cast, we'll make your movie." 233 00:13:25,300 --> 00:13:27,548 No. No, no. No way. 234 00:13:27,590 --> 00:13:29,837 No, I can't make a film like that. 235 00:13:29,878 --> 00:13:33,375 Everybody started somewhere. What's wrong with starting in erotica? 236 00:13:39,784 --> 00:13:41,575 Not a chance. I can't do that. 237 00:13:41,616 --> 00:13:44,238 You don't have to do that. The actress will do that. 238 00:13:46,735 --> 00:13:48,817 Baggy, don't give up on me now. 239 00:13:48,858 --> 00:13:51,481 Sex does not automatically ruin the movie. 240 00:13:51,523 --> 00:13:55,436 Well, Scorsese did have to cut nude shots into his first feature. 241 00:13:55,477 --> 00:13:56,643 There you go. 242 00:13:56,684 --> 00:13:59,640 They all did. You could take porn apart, give it a heart. 243 00:13:59,681 --> 00:14:03,011 Could reinvent the genre for a cine-literate, postmodern audience. 244 00:14:03,053 --> 00:14:06,840 Or you could take the The Love Storm and pop in some shagging. 245 00:14:07,507 --> 00:14:10,670 - Hello, we're home! Hi, Baggy. - Hi, fellas. How's it going? 246 00:14:11,003 --> 00:14:13,833 You missed another exciting day at Clarke's School of Motoring. 247 00:14:13,875 --> 00:14:15,873 Three passes and one fail. 248 00:14:16,540 --> 00:14:17,954 - What are you watching? - This? 249 00:14:17,996 --> 00:14:21,451 It's nothing. Just some stuff for college. Quite boring, actually. 250 00:14:21,992 --> 00:14:24,656 I see. One of those old, black-and-white foreign jobs? 251 00:14:24,697 --> 00:14:27,736 - A little bit highbrow, is it? - Yeah, something like that. 252 00:14:27,778 --> 00:14:30,359 - Where's the remote? - You had it. Find it. Make it stop. 253 00:14:30,401 --> 00:14:35,562 - We like a good thriller, don't we, Valerie? - Or a comedy. I do love that Ben Stiller. 254 00:14:35,604 --> 00:14:37,976 Yes! Yes! Yes! 255 00:14:41,639 --> 00:14:43,887 Well, then, you wouldn't be interested in this. 256 00:14:43,928 --> 00:14:47,425 This is just academic, highbrow, intellectual stuff. 257 00:14:51,005 --> 00:14:54,709 Yes, that's right. Nothing like a good comedy. 258 00:14:55,126 --> 00:14:56,749 We love a good laugh. 259 00:14:59,163 --> 00:15:00,745 Soapy Tit Wank. 260 00:15:01,619 --> 00:15:04,325 - You call this highbrow? - Yes. 261 00:15:04,657 --> 00:15:05,906 Yeah, that's... 262 00:15:05,948 --> 00:15:10,402 That's a Czechoslovakian, pre-war, monochrome, low-budget movie... 263 00:15:11,193 --> 00:15:13,066 about hygiene. 264 00:15:16,770 --> 00:15:19,892 The Shawshank Redemption. Tragically overlooked by the Oscars. 265 00:15:20,351 --> 00:15:23,139 American Beauty. Well, Kevin Spacey is amazing in that. 266 00:15:23,638 --> 00:15:25,595 Shaving Ryan's Privates? 267 00:15:26,594 --> 00:15:28,717 Baggy, Shaving Ryan's Privates? 268 00:15:30,216 --> 00:15:32,297 - Research material. - Research material? 269 00:15:32,339 --> 00:15:35,044 Do you want American Beauty and Shawshank or just that? 270 00:15:35,086 --> 00:15:37,250 No. Yeah. Of course I do. 271 00:15:37,292 --> 00:15:41,496 It really is research for my script, you know, The Love Storm. 272 00:15:41,995 --> 00:15:45,451 The Love Storm? Isn't that a psychological romance, with a girl? 273 00:15:45,492 --> 00:15:49,987 Yeah, except the narrative has expanded to accommodate a sub genre. 274 00:15:50,029 --> 00:15:53,026 Genre splicing. Good idea. Increase your potential audience. 275 00:15:53,068 --> 00:15:54,899 It's more of a character piece. 276 00:15:54,941 --> 00:15:57,480 So, more emotional depth? It still doesn't explain... 277 00:15:59,020 --> 00:16:01,393 It's more of a porn film. 278 00:16:01,850 --> 00:16:06,305 Right, right, a porn film. You should have said. But you don't want Shaving Ryan's Privates. 279 00:16:06,346 --> 00:16:07,844 A I bit too much cock in that one. 280 00:16:07,886 --> 00:16:11,341 But if you want to know about porn, I'll tell you about porn. Come round. 281 00:16:13,506 --> 00:16:15,504 Welcome to my world. 282 00:16:16,003 --> 00:16:18,001 This'll be a voyage of discovery for you, boy. 283 00:16:24,994 --> 00:16:28,782 - Hi, I've come to meet Miss Fiveways. - I wish I could help, but she isn't here. 284 00:16:29,282 --> 00:16:33,028 You're good. You are very good. 285 00:16:33,319 --> 00:16:36,565 A Candy Fiveways film. Your address. 286 00:16:36,607 --> 00:16:39,854 - Busted. - No, we're the distribution company. 287 00:16:39,896 --> 00:16:42,435 We distribute films made by other people. 288 00:16:43,393 --> 00:16:44,932 You distribute? 289 00:16:46,056 --> 00:16:48,845 That's excellento. That's valuable work, distribution. 290 00:16:49,387 --> 00:16:51,343 But you must know how to get hold of her. 291 00:16:51,385 --> 00:16:53,590 - Do you have a number? - We're not really supposed... 292 00:16:53,632 --> 00:16:54,881 Tiffany. 293 00:16:54,922 --> 00:16:57,420 Hey, it's me. It's Joe. Remember? 294 00:16:58,169 --> 00:17:00,541 Hey, look, there. Look at that smile! 295 00:17:01,665 --> 00:17:04,122 That smile is wasted here. You should be in movies. 296 00:17:04,163 --> 00:17:05,786 - You really think so? - Yeah. 297 00:17:06,785 --> 00:17:09,033 Come on. How about that number? 298 00:17:09,075 --> 00:17:11,073 I'm not really supposed to, but... 299 00:17:12,239 --> 00:17:14,652 we do have a number here for... 300 00:17:14,694 --> 00:17:16,484 Fiveways International. 301 00:17:16,525 --> 00:17:17,774 This is it. 302 00:17:17,816 --> 00:17:19,023 Tiffany? 303 00:17:19,065 --> 00:17:23,727 Without you, this company would sink without a trace and you know it. 304 00:17:24,185 --> 00:17:26,308 Love you, Tiffany Thomas. 305 00:17:26,350 --> 00:17:28,223 And I love you... 306 00:17:29,971 --> 00:17:31,552 Joe Clarke. 307 00:17:39,337 --> 00:17:41,709 Fiveways International. Clive Purves. 308 00:17:41,750 --> 00:17:45,331 Hello there, Clive. Tell me, do you handle Candy Fiveways? 309 00:17:45,746 --> 00:17:48,328 - Yes, we do. - Excellent! 310 00:17:48,369 --> 00:17:51,075 I'm a film producer, making a film and... 311 00:17:51,615 --> 00:17:53,114 Well, how do I put this? 312 00:17:53,447 --> 00:17:54,779 I want Candy. 313 00:17:54,821 --> 00:17:57,609 Well, let me see. Candy Fiveways... 314 00:17:58,234 --> 00:17:59,358 Yeah. 315 00:18:00,606 --> 00:18:05,102 She's available. Do you want single entry, double entry or the full executive? 316 00:18:06,185 --> 00:18:08,016 - As in? - Well, sir, the more you spend, 317 00:18:08,058 --> 00:18:09,639 the more positions are possible. 318 00:18:09,681 --> 00:18:11,762 I mean, she does it all, but for a price. 319 00:18:11,804 --> 00:18:14,967 Yes, silly of me. I don't think we should limit ourselves at this stage. 320 00:18:15,009 --> 00:18:18,131 - How much for the full executive? - Let me see. Full executive... 321 00:18:18,173 --> 00:18:20,212 £250 plus VAT. 322 00:18:22,002 --> 00:18:24,000 So, it's that easy? 323 00:18:26,040 --> 00:18:27,829 Tell me, what's she like? 324 00:18:29,661 --> 00:18:32,574 Well, she's got blonde hair, 325 00:18:32,616 --> 00:18:34,323 red lips, 326 00:18:34,365 --> 00:18:35,988 a nice bum. 327 00:18:36,030 --> 00:18:38,278 Is she smart? You know, funny? 328 00:18:38,401 --> 00:18:39,983 She's a doll. 329 00:18:40,025 --> 00:18:41,606 Yeah. 330 00:18:42,605 --> 00:18:44,062 I hear you. 331 00:18:47,143 --> 00:18:50,972 Adult entertainment, erotica, blue movies, you can call it what you want. 332 00:18:51,014 --> 00:18:53,386 Essentially, all porno is exactly the same. 333 00:18:53,427 --> 00:18:56,424 It's boy meets girl. They kiss. 334 00:18:56,466 --> 00:19:00,296 She smokes a little cock, he eats some hairy pie and then they have sex. 335 00:19:00,338 --> 00:19:02,418 Vaginal first. Romance is not dead. 336 00:19:02,460 --> 00:19:04,791 Then, one up the bum, no harm done, then more oral. 337 00:19:04,833 --> 00:19:06,456 I don't make the rules. It happens. 338 00:19:06,498 --> 00:19:08,912 Finally, bukkake. She's left embarrassed. 339 00:19:08,954 --> 00:19:10,494 Egg on her face, so to speak. 340 00:19:11,160 --> 00:19:14,823 - Yeah, well, I want to change all that. - Two pounds, love. You'll enjoy that. 341 00:19:14,865 --> 00:19:17,487 So you want him to come on her first? How will that work? 342 00:19:17,528 --> 00:19:19,860 You don't understand the basics of pornography. 343 00:19:19,901 --> 00:19:22,690 It's not based on the same criteria as regular films. 344 00:19:22,732 --> 00:19:24,855 If someone rents a normal movie, 345 00:19:24,896 --> 00:19:27,977 watches it for ten minutes, switches it off, it means it was shit. 346 00:19:28,018 --> 00:19:31,099 With pornography, quite the reverse. It means job done. 347 00:19:31,140 --> 00:19:34,928 I want to make the first adult movie where people want to watch to the end. 348 00:19:35,344 --> 00:19:37,093 They'll tug themselves numb! 349 00:19:37,134 --> 00:19:39,923 But, if you can do it, you'll have changed the way people think 350 00:19:39,965 --> 00:19:42,503 of gentlemen's special-interest cinema. 351 00:19:42,545 --> 00:19:44,252 If anyone can do it, you can, mate. 352 00:19:47,832 --> 00:19:49,039 One more thing, Baggy. 353 00:19:49,081 --> 00:19:52,493 There's a saying in show business, "Never work with children or animals." 354 00:19:52,535 --> 00:19:54,201 Nowhere is that truer than porno. 355 00:20:00,902 --> 00:20:03,899 "The sharpest sword cuts silk, not stone." 356 00:20:08,436 --> 00:20:11,059 "The warrior must live like he's already dead." 357 00:20:11,100 --> 00:20:12,807 Come. 358 00:20:15,929 --> 00:20:17,385 Mr Perry, 359 00:20:18,010 --> 00:20:21,215 I know you're a very busy man, so I won't take up a second of your time. 360 00:20:22,297 --> 00:20:24,336 - I've got Candy. - Bollocks. 361 00:20:24,378 --> 00:20:27,417 For The Love Storm. You said if I could get Candy Fiveways. 362 00:20:27,458 --> 00:20:28,666 Well, I've got her. 363 00:20:28,707 --> 00:20:31,621 I spoke to her management. Discussed terms. Agreed a deal. 364 00:20:31,663 --> 00:20:33,286 Bollocks you have! 365 00:20:33,327 --> 00:20:35,409 Yeah. Yeah, you're probably right. 366 00:20:36,117 --> 00:20:38,656 I've had the people at Bell End Pictures on the phone. 367 00:20:38,697 --> 00:20:40,779 Probably more their sort of thing, anyway. 368 00:20:42,360 --> 00:20:44,858 Robby, get Mr Clarke a chair. 369 00:20:53,516 --> 00:20:55,056 You've got Candy? 370 00:20:56,139 --> 00:20:59,676 Her agents drove quite a hard bargain, but, yeah, everyone's happy. 371 00:20:59,968 --> 00:21:02,798 She's very excited. I'm very excited. 372 00:21:02,840 --> 00:21:04,463 Well, well, well. 373 00:21:07,044 --> 00:21:08,044 Doughnut? 374 00:21:36,473 --> 00:21:39,511 Congratulations, Joe. I'm a difficult man to impress. 375 00:21:40,136 --> 00:21:42,467 I look forward to working with Miss Fiveways. 376 00:21:42,508 --> 00:21:45,964 And I'm sure Miss Fiveways is looking forward to working with you again. 377 00:21:46,005 --> 00:21:48,544 - Robby! - You've worked with her before? 378 00:21:49,293 --> 00:21:53,456 Yeah. You're a producer. You know it's all about keeping plates in the air. 379 00:21:53,747 --> 00:21:57,743 We did experience a few minor difficulties with her on our last production. 380 00:21:57,785 --> 00:22:00,033 Cash flow. You know the sort of thing. 381 00:22:00,075 --> 00:22:04,778 I bear no grudge, but I do think it would be best if our involvement was limited 382 00:22:04,820 --> 00:22:07,400 to our subsidiary film-developing arm. 383 00:22:09,398 --> 00:22:11,979 Big Bang Pictures. 384 00:22:12,021 --> 00:22:15,392 - Big Bang Pictures? - Yeah, Big Bang Pictures. 385 00:22:16,266 --> 00:22:18,347 Think of us as a silent partner. 386 00:22:18,389 --> 00:22:20,345 "Silent" being the operative word. 387 00:22:20,637 --> 00:22:22,552 No-one hears about this deal. Understand? 388 00:22:23,675 --> 00:22:25,506 What deal? 389 00:22:25,923 --> 00:22:28,545 I do not understand. Why would... 390 00:22:29,377 --> 00:22:32,874 Hi, guys. What's the haps? Can we have a little chat? 391 00:22:32,916 --> 00:22:35,871 We make a film, a political allegory. 392 00:22:35,913 --> 00:22:41,740 The chicken, he represent the suffering of the flightless masses 393 00:22:41,782 --> 00:22:45,361 and the sky, she represent the hope. 394 00:22:45,403 --> 00:22:48,608 - And the balloons? - It's Gabi's birthday. 395 00:22:48,650 --> 00:22:51,188 - Hi. - So I hear you get money for The Love Storm. 396 00:22:51,230 --> 00:22:53,561 You top-student, filmmaker guys. 397 00:22:53,603 --> 00:22:56,475 And you, top sound, camera, lighting guys. 398 00:22:57,391 --> 00:22:59,805 Listen, we're going to need a crew. 399 00:23:02,427 --> 00:23:03,385 Chicken! 400 00:23:03,426 --> 00:23:05,966 - Brilliant. Are you in? - No. 401 00:23:06,008 --> 00:23:10,045 Sorry, no. The cinema is like a window to the soul. 402 00:23:10,087 --> 00:23:13,750 For us to make a commercial film would be to ask big-time chef 403 00:23:13,791 --> 00:23:15,164 to make chicken nuggets. 404 00:23:15,206 --> 00:23:17,412 We make chicken in a basket. 405 00:23:17,454 --> 00:23:18,953 Fair enough. 406 00:23:18,995 --> 00:23:21,242 It's not your sort of thing, anyway. 407 00:23:21,283 --> 00:23:23,781 There will be some girls in it and nudity. 408 00:23:24,197 --> 00:23:26,612 Imagine shooting that first scene. 409 00:23:28,401 --> 00:23:30,191 She's walking towards you. 410 00:23:30,233 --> 00:23:33,521 Long hair cascades down, staring right into your eyes. 411 00:23:34,063 --> 00:23:37,809 Swinging hips, fertile, with all of a woman's promise. 412 00:23:39,724 --> 00:23:43,470 Then, she leans forward and just whispers in your ear... 413 00:23:43,511 --> 00:23:45,426 "It's time for your bed bath." 414 00:23:46,009 --> 00:23:49,380 Her crisp, white nurse's uniform can barely contain her... 415 00:23:50,671 --> 00:23:52,252 heaving breasts. 416 00:23:53,335 --> 00:23:55,333 She wants you. 417 00:23:57,040 --> 00:23:59,662 She wants you. 418 00:24:00,994 --> 00:24:04,574 - But we'll find someone else. - No, no, we will do it. 419 00:24:04,949 --> 00:24:07,237 - Your chicken's getting away. - Hey! 420 00:24:34,919 --> 00:24:36,083 OK, people. 421 00:24:36,292 --> 00:24:37,999 Everyone ready? Everyone excited? 422 00:24:38,040 --> 00:24:41,203 If a member of staff so much as glances our way, what's the signal? 423 00:24:42,452 --> 00:24:46,865 Then we get rid of anything that doesn't look like a Ukrainian art-house audition. 424 00:24:47,281 --> 00:24:49,820 Like the girls with their boobies out? 425 00:24:50,153 --> 00:24:54,024 For God's sake, Lila. Grow up. We're making a film here. 426 00:24:54,065 --> 00:24:58,353 I know Baggy is, but you're awfully excited about this casting thing. 427 00:24:58,395 --> 00:25:00,809 I can't help thinking it's the boobies. 428 00:25:00,851 --> 00:25:03,556 Hey, I'm realising a dream here. 429 00:25:03,598 --> 00:25:07,177 I was staring at a life in the suburbs, working for my dad, 430 00:25:07,219 --> 00:25:11,048 with nothing to show for myself except crippling mediocrity, 431 00:25:11,090 --> 00:25:14,795 failed ambitions and the overwhelming desire to have a bath with a toaster. 432 00:25:14,837 --> 00:25:17,417 And now, now, we're all actually making the movie 433 00:25:17,459 --> 00:25:20,289 that is going to get us out of Leatherhead and into the big time. 434 00:25:20,331 --> 00:25:22,787 That is why I'm excited, Lila, OK? 435 00:25:23,786 --> 00:25:25,576 That and the boobies. 436 00:25:26,617 --> 00:25:28,823 You have never known what it is to be happy. 437 00:25:29,822 --> 00:25:31,070 But wait. 438 00:25:32,069 --> 00:25:34,275 Uncle Vanya, wait! 439 00:25:34,983 --> 00:25:37,314 We shall rest. 440 00:25:40,769 --> 00:25:43,891 That's great, Lucy, really, really great. We'll be in touch. 441 00:25:44,640 --> 00:25:47,512 Sorry. Baggy, didn't you have something else to ask Lucy? 442 00:25:47,554 --> 00:25:49,385 What? No. No. 443 00:25:49,427 --> 00:25:51,467 That's all for today. Thank you, Lucy. 444 00:25:51,508 --> 00:25:54,130 Hang on. Sorry. Don't you need to see her without...? 445 00:25:54,172 --> 00:25:56,170 No. No. 446 00:25:56,212 --> 00:25:58,293 - Yes. You definitely said... - No, I didn't. 447 00:25:58,335 --> 00:26:01,040 Definitely didn't. It's not the kind of thing I'd say. 448 00:26:01,498 --> 00:26:04,537 - Joe, maybe you should. - Where's my pen? 449 00:26:05,203 --> 00:26:07,617 Thank you, Lucy. That's all we need. We'll be in touch. 450 00:26:08,033 --> 00:26:10,323 OK, so you don't want to see my tits, then? 451 00:26:11,405 --> 00:26:13,820 - That won't be necessary. - That would be great. 452 00:26:13,861 --> 00:26:15,734 - Won't be necessary. - We'd love to. 453 00:26:35,714 --> 00:26:37,296 Atten-shun! 454 00:26:39,210 --> 00:26:40,793 Left! Right! 455 00:26:41,792 --> 00:26:43,540 Left! Right! 456 00:26:43,581 --> 00:26:46,078 Left, right! Left, right! 457 00:26:46,120 --> 00:26:48,950 Left, right! Left, right! Left, right! Left, right! 458 00:26:57,317 --> 00:27:01,105 I think about what might have been, but the Jezebel packed her bags... 459 00:27:03,935 --> 00:27:05,809 and went away 460 00:27:05,851 --> 00:27:08,765 and I've never been the same again since that summer. 461 00:27:08,806 --> 00:27:10,804 Thank you... 462 00:27:10,846 --> 00:27:13,468 Carl, that was, that'll be all. 463 00:27:15,508 --> 00:27:17,089 Excuse me. 464 00:27:17,131 --> 00:27:20,336 Carl, that was a very brave performance. 465 00:27:20,378 --> 00:27:22,084 I know. 466 00:27:22,126 --> 00:27:24,124 I wrote it myself. 467 00:27:24,165 --> 00:27:26,205 It's just about this really, 468 00:27:26,247 --> 00:27:28,828 really emotional time in my life. 469 00:27:28,869 --> 00:27:33,490 I like to draw on everything I can to make my acting as deep and as real as it can be. 470 00:27:33,531 --> 00:27:36,153 - Could we see you without your shirt on? - Absolutely. 471 00:27:38,900 --> 00:27:40,024 Thank you, Carl. 472 00:27:41,107 --> 00:27:42,896 Very nice. 473 00:27:43,146 --> 00:27:44,520 - Joe? - Yeah. No. 474 00:27:44,562 --> 00:27:46,393 Sorry, mate, you're not really... 475 00:27:46,435 --> 00:27:49,848 - We're looking for something different. - Great. We'll be in touch. 476 00:27:50,348 --> 00:27:51,638 Yeah? 477 00:27:52,804 --> 00:27:54,052 - Great. - Great. 478 00:27:56,174 --> 00:27:57,423 Great. 479 00:27:57,922 --> 00:27:58,922 Next! 480 00:28:34,594 --> 00:28:36,841 That's great. We'll be in touch. 481 00:28:37,840 --> 00:28:39,006 Did you like it? 482 00:28:39,048 --> 00:28:41,836 Great choice. It's very powerful, very now. 483 00:28:42,170 --> 00:28:43,669 I made a shield. 484 00:28:43,959 --> 00:28:45,832 I love the shield. 485 00:28:51,744 --> 00:28:54,033 Well, that was some of our best moves. 486 00:28:55,490 --> 00:28:57,155 We've set the standard. 487 00:29:03,482 --> 00:29:06,271 That's a very unusual audition piece, Mai Ling. 488 00:29:06,312 --> 00:29:09,101 You can roll me around like a choo-choo train. 489 00:29:09,143 --> 00:29:11,349 The Ping-Pong balls are the steam. 490 00:29:14,096 --> 00:29:16,677 You want even better? I go get peach. 491 00:29:44,773 --> 00:29:48,312 All right, what the hell's going on and who the hell are you? 492 00:29:49,311 --> 00:29:50,767 Lila Owens. 493 00:29:50,809 --> 00:29:52,350 It's a huge honour. 494 00:29:52,391 --> 00:29:55,971 These two have told me so much about you. You're a bit of a hero to them. 495 00:29:56,012 --> 00:29:58,510 They admire your ability to deconstruct modern cinema. 496 00:30:00,133 --> 00:30:01,549 Really? 497 00:30:03,005 --> 00:30:05,003 Well, "hero" is a big word. 498 00:30:05,295 --> 00:30:07,043 I'm just a guy doing his job. 499 00:30:22,528 --> 00:30:23,734 Good job, guys. 500 00:30:24,068 --> 00:30:25,732 Continuez-vous. 501 00:30:36,721 --> 00:30:38,470 Why don't you roll back on in this way? 502 00:30:38,512 --> 00:30:41,051 She's fine, son. Leave her be, yeah? Leave her be. 503 00:30:44,214 --> 00:30:46,587 OK, good. Then this is our cast. 504 00:30:47,295 --> 00:30:49,459 - What about Candy? - You said she'd be here. 505 00:30:49,501 --> 00:30:52,705 I have to sort out costumes. We haven't even got a location yet. 506 00:30:53,039 --> 00:30:55,827 Come on. She said she will be here. She will be here. 507 00:30:56,826 --> 00:30:58,824 Package for Joe Clarke. 508 00:30:59,074 --> 00:31:02,530 Yeah, over here. Lila, let me tell you something. 509 00:31:02,571 --> 00:31:04,652 Not only have I negotiated a fantastic deal 510 00:31:04,693 --> 00:31:08,232 with her representative at Fiveways International, 511 00:31:08,274 --> 00:31:13,435 but he also assured me that she would be here any time now. 512 00:31:13,477 --> 00:31:18,514 So, how's about you trot along and production manage a place for her to relax, 513 00:31:18,555 --> 00:31:21,594 while I prepare myself for the imminent arrival 514 00:31:21,635 --> 00:31:24,299 of one of the most beautiful women in the world? 515 00:31:24,965 --> 00:31:26,256 Yeah? 516 00:31:35,496 --> 00:31:37,535 I think she's just arrived. 517 00:31:40,532 --> 00:31:41,655 No. 518 00:31:45,111 --> 00:31:47,025 Wow. I'm in shock. 519 00:31:47,067 --> 00:31:49,273 She looks taller on film, don't you think? 520 00:31:49,315 --> 00:31:51,396 You're in shock? Look at her. 521 00:31:52,354 --> 00:31:54,352 Joe! Do you think this is funny? 522 00:31:54,393 --> 00:31:56,100 No. No. 523 00:31:56,141 --> 00:31:58,431 I don't. I'm just saying that... 524 00:31:58,473 --> 00:32:02,135 Look, hey, I'm a producer, yeah? So, I'm going to step up and produce. 525 00:32:02,177 --> 00:32:04,924 There's always problems on a movie shoot. Everything'll be fine. 526 00:32:05,091 --> 00:32:09,212 We saw loads of people today who will be just as good as Candy Fiveways. 527 00:32:09,253 --> 00:32:12,417 Come on, yeah? Let's cheer up, shall we? 528 00:32:12,459 --> 00:32:14,872 You, with your little down face. Come on! 529 00:32:15,289 --> 00:32:17,828 Hello. What's this? 530 00:32:17,869 --> 00:32:20,034 It's Miss Candy Fiveways. Hello. 531 00:32:20,076 --> 00:32:23,905 Look at your pretty chops. Hello! Mr Bagley. 532 00:32:23,947 --> 00:32:25,945 Look at her. 533 00:32:25,986 --> 00:32:27,402 Hello. 534 00:32:27,818 --> 00:32:31,273 Miss Owens. Oh, my God, I'm hot for some lezza action right now. 535 00:32:32,314 --> 00:32:33,728 It's OK. 536 00:32:35,893 --> 00:32:37,392 Joe! Stop it! 537 00:32:37,434 --> 00:32:38,807 Joe, stop! 538 00:32:42,387 --> 00:32:44,135 - Seriously, Joe... - Yeah? 539 00:32:44,177 --> 00:32:47,007 Our investors are expecting a Candy Fiveways film 540 00:32:47,049 --> 00:32:50,254 and you've provided them with a blow-up doll. 541 00:32:50,296 --> 00:32:52,543 Sweetheart, it's going to be fine. 542 00:32:52,584 --> 00:32:54,292 We've got a great cast. 543 00:32:54,333 --> 00:32:56,165 Just leave the money to me, OK? 544 00:32:57,954 --> 00:33:00,369 Many people think the butterfly suffers, 545 00:33:00,411 --> 00:33:03,408 but the chloroform dulls its senses and it feels nothing. 546 00:33:03,449 --> 00:33:07,611 This way, it won't struggle when the pin punctures its body. 547 00:33:08,777 --> 00:33:10,733 So, how's my film? 548 00:33:10,775 --> 00:33:14,480 The film? It's great. Yeah. Fully prepped. 549 00:33:15,271 --> 00:33:19,225 Friends become enemies and enemies have sex with each other. 550 00:33:19,766 --> 00:33:21,140 And our star? 551 00:33:21,181 --> 00:33:24,012 Candy? She's great. She can't wait to get started. 552 00:33:24,761 --> 00:33:26,260 I find that very surprising. 553 00:33:26,301 --> 00:33:30,089 That's all water under the bridge. We're thick as thieves, these days. 554 00:33:30,214 --> 00:33:31,920 That's wonderful news. 555 00:33:32,628 --> 00:33:33,960 I find it surprising, Doug, 556 00:33:34,002 --> 00:33:38,039 because she's taking a break from films to promote some book she's written. 557 00:33:38,081 --> 00:33:42,493 She fancies herself as an author. She's in town doing book signings at this moment. 558 00:33:42,701 --> 00:33:44,699 You should probably give her a call, Doug. 559 00:33:45,116 --> 00:33:48,363 No, there's no need, Mr De Vere. I've been on the phone to her all week. 560 00:33:48,404 --> 00:33:50,444 She's very excited. 561 00:33:50,485 --> 00:33:52,816 We're very excited. Aren't we? 562 00:33:53,233 --> 00:33:56,188 That's very good, because I paid you for a Candy Fiveways film 563 00:33:56,230 --> 00:33:57,769 and I expect you to deliver. 564 00:34:02,349 --> 00:34:04,013 Yeah, this is the place. 565 00:34:05,346 --> 00:34:07,010 Don't look much of a film company. 566 00:34:16,917 --> 00:34:19,290 - Are you Mr Dulberg? - Guilty as charged. 567 00:34:19,332 --> 00:34:22,703 I'm looking for Joe Clarke. The lady at the desk said to talk to you. 568 00:34:22,744 --> 00:34:24,867 Right. Yeah, Joe's one of my students. 569 00:34:25,616 --> 00:34:28,406 Not in at the moment. Probably gone home. Sorry, you are? 570 00:34:28,447 --> 00:34:29,987 I'm his dad. This is his brother. 571 00:34:30,945 --> 00:34:34,150 Right, well, great kid. A lot of fun. Well done, you. 572 00:34:35,191 --> 00:34:38,728 We were hanging out in the rehearsal room earlier, having a right laugh. 573 00:34:38,770 --> 00:34:40,851 Always got something to say. Can't shut him up. 574 00:34:40,893 --> 00:34:44,348 Well, I'll see if I can shut him up for you. What's his address again? 575 00:34:45,888 --> 00:34:48,303 I thought Joe lived at home with you and Mrs Clarke. 576 00:34:48,552 --> 00:34:50,466 Yeah, of course he does. Where's that? 577 00:34:51,008 --> 00:34:53,463 - What? - What? 578 00:34:53,505 --> 00:34:54,837 You don't know where you live? 579 00:34:54,879 --> 00:34:57,834 We both know I know where I live, but do you know where I live? 580 00:34:59,292 --> 00:35:02,039 Well, I can't just give out students' addresses. 581 00:35:02,413 --> 00:35:06,450 We have the old student-teacher bond of trust, yawn, but... 582 00:35:06,492 --> 00:35:10,281 But it's not his address, is it? It's my address. Surely you can give me my address? 583 00:35:16,316 --> 00:35:17,981 8, Chester Crescent. 584 00:35:19,105 --> 00:35:20,354 Hello. Can I help you? 585 00:35:20,395 --> 00:35:23,184 Mr Clarke? I'm Mr Dulberg, Joe's teacher from college. 586 00:35:23,892 --> 00:35:28,096 Right. Well, it's a bit late, Mr Dulberg. No trouble with Joe, I trust? 587 00:35:28,263 --> 00:35:31,260 - Joe? No, no, good as gold. - You've just missed him. 588 00:35:31,301 --> 00:35:33,798 He won't be back for a while. I'll tell him you called. 589 00:35:33,840 --> 00:35:36,462 No, don't put yourself out on my account. I'll wait. 590 00:35:48,742 --> 00:35:50,781 There he is! 591 00:35:50,823 --> 00:35:54,527 I was telling Valerie and Stephen what a Jack-the-lad you were at college. 592 00:35:54,569 --> 00:35:56,859 Mr Dulberg here has been waiting for over an hour. 593 00:35:58,690 --> 00:36:00,355 Mr Dulberg? 594 00:36:01,604 --> 00:36:06,183 Yes. He very kindly dropped by to... What exactly did you drop by for? 595 00:36:06,225 --> 00:36:09,097 I would very much like to talk it out with you, one to one. 596 00:36:10,012 --> 00:36:13,383 Show Valerie and Stephen into the dining room, would you, Robby? 597 00:36:13,425 --> 00:36:15,715 - You want us in the dining room? - Please. 598 00:36:15,756 --> 00:36:17,754 Got any Wagon Wheels? 599 00:36:19,836 --> 00:36:20,876 Nice suit. 600 00:36:21,417 --> 00:36:25,955 Mr Perry, whatever deal we have is between us, so leave my parents out of it. 601 00:36:25,996 --> 00:36:29,160 Joe, as the executive partner of our film, 602 00:36:29,202 --> 00:36:32,739 I've dropped round to double-check a couple of things before we start rolling. 603 00:36:32,781 --> 00:36:37,110 Chiefly, whether you do, indeed, have Candy, as you say. 604 00:36:38,109 --> 00:36:41,522 - Any particular reason? - We've got a little issue with our investor. 605 00:36:41,564 --> 00:36:43,229 He's not as easy-going as I am. 606 00:36:43,271 --> 00:36:46,185 He's what we, in the trade, call "an evil bastard". 607 00:36:46,226 --> 00:36:50,513 If he thought you'd been spending his ill-gotten gains on flash suits and hair gel, 608 00:36:50,555 --> 00:36:53,510 let's just say he'll find you and your friend... 609 00:36:53,552 --> 00:36:55,176 Baggy, is it? 610 00:36:55,466 --> 00:36:56,799 Well, that's... 611 00:36:56,840 --> 00:36:59,796 That's lucky, then, because we've got her. 612 00:37:00,795 --> 00:37:02,169 Yep. 613 00:37:02,210 --> 00:37:05,166 Rest assured, she is signed, sealed and delivered. 614 00:37:05,207 --> 00:37:07,329 How long have you been working at the college? 615 00:37:07,371 --> 00:37:08,662 I don't work at the college. 616 00:37:08,703 --> 00:37:11,367 We thought you were an associate of Mr Dulberg's. 617 00:37:11,409 --> 00:37:13,615 I only just met him. I don't know Mr Dulberg. 618 00:37:15,405 --> 00:37:17,986 - Why are you here, then? - I don't know. 619 00:37:18,527 --> 00:37:21,357 - Ask Doug. - Who's Doug? 620 00:37:23,522 --> 00:37:25,603 I don't know! 621 00:37:26,602 --> 00:37:27,851 More 'Bena? 622 00:37:28,850 --> 00:37:32,304 I spoke to her this morning, actually, and she's really looking forward to it. 623 00:37:32,346 --> 00:37:34,636 Jets in tomorrow from LA. 624 00:37:34,677 --> 00:37:38,548 No more bullshit! She's in London, promoting her poncy book. 625 00:37:38,590 --> 00:37:40,796 Now, you promised me a Candy Fiveways film. 626 00:37:40,838 --> 00:37:45,209 I've promised our investor a Candy Fiveways film. And that's what we're going to get. 627 00:37:45,250 --> 00:37:48,830 - Or? - Or I'I kill you. 628 00:37:50,578 --> 00:37:52,534 Can I come in now? 629 00:37:54,158 --> 00:37:57,613 You little monkey. What am I going to do with you? 630 00:37:57,654 --> 00:38:01,442 Now, look, Mr Dulberg, we'd like to know what the blue blazes is going on. 631 00:38:01,484 --> 00:38:03,565 Keep your knickers on. Our job is done here. 632 00:38:03,607 --> 00:38:06,770 Valerie, now, you've got a great kid here, good as gold. 633 00:38:06,812 --> 00:38:09,642 Always brings me an apple, stays late to wipe the blackboard 634 00:38:09,684 --> 00:38:11,265 and doesn't fuck about too much. 635 00:38:11,724 --> 00:38:14,637 I'm covering the visual event, Mr Dulberg. I'm on it. 636 00:38:16,594 --> 00:38:19,632 Don't worry. We'll see ourselves out. 637 00:38:24,419 --> 00:38:26,500 Bye, Robby. 638 00:38:31,620 --> 00:38:34,201 He's a bit eccentric, but he's a bloody good teacher. 639 00:38:46,189 --> 00:38:49,977 How are we going to recognise her? Think she looks like the doll? Shall we stick a pin in her? 640 00:38:50,019 --> 00:38:53,473 Stop being so negative, Bags. She'll be the one signing the books. 641 00:38:53,515 --> 00:38:58,094 We'll approach her directly this time, skip the agent. Trust me, I'm a producer. 642 00:38:59,634 --> 00:39:01,215 She's the one signing the books. 643 00:39:02,798 --> 00:39:05,503 OK, there are minders either side of her... 644 00:39:20,780 --> 00:39:21,987 Bags? 645 00:39:22,819 --> 00:39:26,025 - Come back... - Well, this is lovely. Thanks for inviting me. 646 00:39:26,607 --> 00:39:30,686 - You do know how to charm a lady. - Lila, I need your help. 647 00:39:32,893 --> 00:39:34,349 I'm in a shitload of trouble. 648 00:39:35,515 --> 00:39:37,346 - Hi. What's your name? - Sam. 649 00:39:38,345 --> 00:39:39,761 Sam? 650 00:39:40,426 --> 00:39:43,173 - Did you enjoy the film? - Yeah. 651 00:39:43,215 --> 00:39:46,629 I've probably watched it about a hundred, a hundred and fifty times. 652 00:39:46,670 --> 00:39:48,502 I've nearly worn out the disc. 653 00:39:48,752 --> 00:39:50,001 Well... 654 00:39:50,042 --> 00:39:52,206 Play it again, Sam. 655 00:39:53,705 --> 00:39:55,370 OK, I will. 656 00:39:56,202 --> 00:39:58,658 Could you make it out to my wife? Her name's Dave. 657 00:40:00,531 --> 00:40:03,570 That was a misquote from Casablanca. I don't know if I can look at you. 658 00:40:03,612 --> 00:40:06,525 - Yes, I can. - My, a punter with a brain. 659 00:40:06,567 --> 00:40:09,814 - "It's my second favourite organ." - Woody Allen's Sleeper. 660 00:40:09,856 --> 00:40:11,770 I knew it was a misquote, by the way. 661 00:40:12,062 --> 00:40:15,141 - Yeah. Sure. Of course you did. - I did! 662 00:40:15,183 --> 00:40:18,097 Well, as Oscar Wilde once said, "Whatever." 663 00:40:18,138 --> 00:40:21,552 I can't believe you've got us making a porno for a bunch of gangsters. 664 00:40:21,594 --> 00:40:24,091 This is unbelievable, even by your standards. 665 00:40:24,382 --> 00:40:26,172 What are you going to tell Baggy? 666 00:40:26,214 --> 00:40:30,251 You can't tell him, Lila. You know what he's like. He'll freak out. He'll crumble. 667 00:40:30,293 --> 00:40:32,093 He's a stammering wreck at the best of times. 668 00:40:32,124 --> 00:40:34,914 You're out of your mind, Fiveways. It must be the heat. 669 00:40:34,956 --> 00:40:40,075 And you call yourself a film buff? You're clearly insane. I should call security. 670 00:40:40,116 --> 00:40:43,655 I'm sorry. Mission To Moscow was never as good as Citizens On Patrol. 671 00:40:43,697 --> 00:40:45,736 Miss Fiveways, the queue. 672 00:40:46,028 --> 00:40:47,526 Sorry. Duty calls. 673 00:40:49,107 --> 00:40:50,565 You want me to sign this? 674 00:40:50,606 --> 00:40:53,687 I want you to read it. I wrote it for you. 675 00:40:55,768 --> 00:40:58,515 Well, I'm on sabbatical. 676 00:40:58,557 --> 00:41:00,888 No porn films till next year. Publisher's orders. 677 00:41:00,930 --> 00:41:02,803 Don't think of it as a porn film. 678 00:41:02,844 --> 00:41:05,550 Think of it as a film with scenes of an adult nature. 679 00:41:07,298 --> 00:41:10,378 - Please, just read it, yeah? - OK. 680 00:41:11,335 --> 00:41:12,668 Cheers. 681 00:41:14,291 --> 00:41:16,664 Hello. I came here from Düsseldorf to see you. 682 00:41:17,913 --> 00:41:23,073 Please write as follows. "To Rudi. Last night was unglaublich. 683 00:41:23,115 --> 00:41:25,613 You have the greatest balls in Germany." 684 00:41:26,195 --> 00:41:27,569 OK. 685 00:41:27,653 --> 00:41:31,732 Yes, I know. OK, I'm an idiot, but I don't want to die. 686 00:41:31,774 --> 00:41:37,226 Just give them their money back. Forget the whole thing. You've still got the money, right? 687 00:41:37,268 --> 00:41:39,516 - Right? - What? 688 00:41:39,932 --> 00:41:41,889 You don't have the money, do you? 689 00:41:41,930 --> 00:41:43,887 The suit, the watch, the mobile. 690 00:41:44,177 --> 00:41:46,134 The blow-up doll I thought was an actress. 691 00:41:42,175 --> 00:41:44,715 - You're not taking this seriously. - I am. I promise. 692 00:41:45,172 --> 00:41:48,169 - That's for lying to us. - I'm sorry and I was wrong. Again. 693 00:41:48,211 --> 00:41:51,625 - For letting down your best friend. - Deserves more than that. One more. 694 00:41:52,082 --> 00:41:53,373 - One more. - No. 695 00:41:53,414 --> 00:41:55,704 - You're enjoying it, you pervert! - I am, yeah. 696 00:41:55,746 --> 00:41:57,744 - Dirty... - Hi, guys. What's happening? 697 00:41:57,785 --> 00:42:00,199 - Hi, Baggy. We were just chatting. - Chatting. 698 00:42:01,740 --> 00:42:04,653 Yeah, I spoke to Candy. I gave her the script. 699 00:42:04,695 --> 00:42:06,235 You? Really? 700 00:42:06,276 --> 00:42:08,233 She's reading it. She's going to call us. 701 00:42:13,644 --> 00:42:15,684 That's it. She's not going to call. 702 00:42:15,726 --> 00:42:18,056 She hates the script. We might as well give up. 703 00:42:18,098 --> 00:42:21,095 Well, on the plus side, I've found us a new location. 704 00:42:21,136 --> 00:42:24,425 That's brilliant, Liles. Great. What shall we use it for? 705 00:42:24,467 --> 00:42:28,213 A massive party? A bring-and-buy sale? A charity sales-a-thon? 706 00:42:37,245 --> 00:42:38,744 Hello. Hi. 707 00:42:41,866 --> 00:42:44,405 Yeah. They're, they're called... 708 00:42:45,029 --> 00:42:48,234 - Big Bang Pictures. - Big Bang Pictures of Soho. 709 00:42:48,859 --> 00:42:52,105 A high-end, professional production outfit. OK. OK. 710 00:42:52,147 --> 00:42:54,728 Yeah, that sounds, that sounds reasonable. 711 00:42:54,770 --> 00:42:55,811 OK. 712 00:42:56,310 --> 00:42:57,767 Bye. Bye-bye. 713 00:42:58,224 --> 00:42:59,807 What happened? 714 00:42:59,848 --> 00:43:01,763 A busy day as a top director is what happened. 715 00:43:01,805 --> 00:43:04,010 - What did she say? - She read it. 716 00:43:04,052 --> 00:43:06,258 She likes it. She'll meet us tomorrow. 717 00:43:09,463 --> 00:43:12,419 Take the library books back before nine or there's a surcharge. 718 00:43:12,460 --> 00:43:14,083 Don't forget Joe's trousers. 719 00:43:14,125 --> 00:43:17,580 Jeepers Creepers! It's 7:34. Time to slip into gear, Valerie. 720 00:43:18,579 --> 00:43:20,786 Mirror, signal, manoeuvre. 721 00:43:21,451 --> 00:43:24,323 - Come on, love. - Have a good day at college, darling. 722 00:43:27,986 --> 00:43:30,192 Have a great day. 723 00:43:38,393 --> 00:43:40,890 Morning, Liles. We can't be late. Where are we going? 724 00:43:41,056 --> 00:43:43,263 Yes. Actually, I wanted to talk to you about that. 725 00:43:43,846 --> 00:43:46,343 Morning, Bagster. You all right? 726 00:43:46,385 --> 00:43:48,008 All set for the big day? 727 00:43:48,091 --> 00:43:49,340 Cristi. 728 00:43:49,382 --> 00:43:51,380 - Looking good. - Thank you. 729 00:43:51,421 --> 00:43:53,753 Liles, focus. Location. Where are we going to go? 730 00:43:53,794 --> 00:43:55,376 Just try and keep an open mind. 731 00:43:59,288 --> 00:44:00,746 Hello, Joe. 732 00:44:01,120 --> 00:44:03,159 - It's here, innit? - Hiya. 733 00:44:03,201 --> 00:44:04,700 No. No way. I'm not... 734 00:44:04,742 --> 00:44:09,112 No sets to build, no location fees. You can set your watch by your parents' routine. 735 00:44:09,153 --> 00:44:10,486 They'll have no idea. 736 00:44:13,774 --> 00:44:15,189 I'm going to kill you. 737 00:44:46,575 --> 00:44:49,155 Joe, I need to talk to you. In private. 738 00:44:49,197 --> 00:44:51,028 - Can we go upstairs, please? - Hold on. 739 00:44:51,070 --> 00:44:53,568 This could be the moment we've been waiting for. 740 00:44:59,145 --> 00:45:03,183 I didn't sleep last night. Can we discuss this? This is important. 741 00:45:03,683 --> 00:45:05,764 Fasten your seat belts, Bagster. 742 00:45:07,637 --> 00:45:09,260 The Fiveways has landed. 743 00:45:10,426 --> 00:45:12,049 Oh, my God. 744 00:45:45,848 --> 00:45:48,304 - Hi. - Miss Fiveways, Joe Clarke, producer. 745 00:45:48,346 --> 00:45:49,886 Hi, Joe. Nice to meet you. 746 00:45:49,969 --> 00:45:51,759 Welcome. 747 00:45:52,924 --> 00:45:54,922 - Should we go in? - Go inside? 748 00:45:55,422 --> 00:45:56,879 Thank you. 749 00:45:59,460 --> 00:46:02,374 Morning, Mr Rogers. Lovely day for it. 750 00:46:09,408 --> 00:46:10,449 So... 751 00:46:10,491 --> 00:46:12,779 this is Sound Stage 1. 752 00:46:12,821 --> 00:46:14,653 It's compact, but it's efficient. 753 00:46:16,026 --> 00:46:18,815 Make-up's on the mezzanine level. 754 00:46:18,857 --> 00:46:21,355 - And these are two of our talented cast. - Hi. 755 00:46:21,396 --> 00:46:24,393 - And catering's towards the rear. - Hi. 756 00:46:24,435 --> 00:46:28,306 - Let me show you to the beverage counter. - Baggy? Baggy, are you OK? 757 00:46:28,348 --> 00:46:31,303 No, I'm not. This whole thing's not going to work. 758 00:46:31,345 --> 00:46:33,883 The character motivation is not fully developed. 759 00:46:33,925 --> 00:46:37,713 The second act through-line is weak. The subplots are underwritten. 760 00:46:37,754 --> 00:46:41,460 - Just calm down. - I want this to stop. It's stopped. 761 00:46:41,501 --> 00:46:42,791 - Come on. - The script... 762 00:46:42,833 --> 00:46:47,537 May I introduce you to three of the hottest creative technicians in the business? 763 00:46:47,786 --> 00:46:51,200 This is Gabi, our sound recordist. He's big news in Poland. 764 00:46:52,574 --> 00:46:56,735 This is Cristi, cinematographer. He's award-winning, multi-talented. 765 00:46:57,027 --> 00:46:59,650 And this is Vlad, our lighting technician. 766 00:47:00,607 --> 00:47:03,521 - Sorry. - Where's John? 767 00:47:03,563 --> 00:47:05,019 Baggy? 768 00:47:05,061 --> 00:47:06,684 He must be fine-tuning the script. 769 00:47:10,971 --> 00:47:13,178 Come on, Baggy, just relax. 770 00:47:13,219 --> 00:47:16,091 Sex is the most natural thing in the world. 771 00:47:16,133 --> 00:47:17,923 I'm trying, Lila. I just can't. 772 00:47:17,964 --> 00:47:20,546 - It's not hard, Baggy. - I know. I know. 773 00:47:21,336 --> 00:47:24,042 Baggy, it isn't hard and I know you can do it. 774 00:47:24,083 --> 00:47:26,664 I just feel so inadequate. 775 00:47:26,705 --> 00:47:29,328 - It's not hard. - I know. I know. I'm sorry. 776 00:47:29,370 --> 00:47:30,619 Back in a sec. 777 00:47:30,660 --> 00:47:32,991 - Baggy, come on. - I'm all out of juice. 778 00:47:33,033 --> 00:47:35,531 You just need to take yourself in hand. 779 00:47:39,692 --> 00:47:41,108 Say this is the way in... 780 00:47:45,437 --> 00:47:48,393 Baggs, you have got to snap out of it. 781 00:47:49,558 --> 00:47:52,929 How long have we wanted this? There is an actress downstairs, 782 00:47:52,971 --> 00:47:55,843 who'll think we're the biggest bunch of amateurs ever. 783 00:47:55,885 --> 00:47:58,923 She's going to walk any second unless we do something. 784 00:47:58,965 --> 00:48:00,755 - Is there anything wrong? - Candy. 785 00:48:01,421 --> 00:48:03,835 Hello. No. Just having a... 786 00:48:03,877 --> 00:48:06,749 - It's a budget meeting. - Listen, we need to talk. 787 00:48:08,747 --> 00:48:11,660 I can see you've put a lot into setting up this film. 788 00:48:12,826 --> 00:48:16,655 I mean, it's pretty impressive for a bunch of film students 789 00:48:17,738 --> 00:48:21,443 working on a shoestring budget with little or no experience. 790 00:48:21,650 --> 00:48:25,896 And it can't be easy shooting in your parents' house while they're at work. 791 00:48:26,396 --> 00:48:31,266 But I'm here because this is a great script that deserves to be made. 792 00:48:31,849 --> 00:48:37,177 So, I'd like for you all to leave now, so that I can speak with my director. 793 00:48:37,552 --> 00:48:40,341 - That's first-night nerves. He'll be fine. - Alone. 794 00:48:41,048 --> 00:48:43,129 We'll be outside. 795 00:48:52,161 --> 00:48:55,824 I'm sorry. I'm a failure. "I give failures a bad name." 796 00:48:56,573 --> 00:48:59,736 It's time you stopped quoting other people's films, John. 797 00:48:59,778 --> 00:49:02,234 And start quoting from The Love Storm. 798 00:49:02,276 --> 00:49:03,899 John, this is your big chance. 799 00:49:04,441 --> 00:49:06,355 You don't understand. 800 00:49:07,895 --> 00:49:12,141 You think Fellini never doubted himself? You think Spielberg was never scared? 801 00:49:12,640 --> 00:49:16,012 We were all first-timers once, Baggy, Fellini, Spielberg... 802 00:49:16,844 --> 00:49:19,633 - Micklewhite. - Yeah. 803 00:49:19,675 --> 00:49:22,506 - Who? - Alice Micklewhite. 804 00:49:22,547 --> 00:49:25,877 Bottom-of-the-class Alice, pigtails-and-freckles Alice. 805 00:49:27,084 --> 00:49:28,084 Me. 806 00:49:29,790 --> 00:49:31,913 So where did "Candy Fiveways" come from? 807 00:49:33,162 --> 00:49:36,699 Haven't you ever played the "what's your porn-star name" game? 808 00:49:37,074 --> 00:49:40,737 You take the name of your first pet and the street you grew up on. 809 00:49:41,736 --> 00:49:43,734 Candy was this horrible cat, 810 00:49:43,776 --> 00:49:45,524 but I loved her. 811 00:49:46,689 --> 00:49:50,270 And I grew up on the corner of this busy intersection, Fiveways. 812 00:49:50,311 --> 00:49:53,308 - "Candy Fiveways." - So it is just a made-up name? 813 00:49:53,350 --> 00:49:56,804 There aren't really five ways? 814 00:49:59,801 --> 00:50:01,883 I've got so much to teach you. 815 00:50:08,377 --> 00:50:11,165 The Love Storm. Slate one. Scene one. Take one. 816 00:50:12,538 --> 00:50:14,703 - Camera set. - Action. 817 00:50:23,611 --> 00:50:25,942 Even the way she walks is sexy. 818 00:50:29,439 --> 00:50:31,978 Hello. Can I help you? 819 00:50:32,977 --> 00:50:35,100 I need someone to please undo these... 820 00:50:35,765 --> 00:50:37,431 Cut! 821 00:50:38,222 --> 00:50:40,844 Can we do that again without the old guy, please? 822 00:50:40,885 --> 00:50:42,301 Take two. 823 00:50:43,632 --> 00:50:46,796 - OK. Camera set. - Action. 824 00:50:52,832 --> 00:50:55,121 What do you think she did to Baggy up there? 825 00:50:55,163 --> 00:50:58,285 By the looks of him, I'd say she did all five ways. 826 00:50:59,284 --> 00:51:01,115 All five? 827 00:51:02,697 --> 00:51:04,778 "Hello. Can I help you?" 828 00:51:04,820 --> 00:51:06,818 I need someone to please help me. 829 00:51:08,857 --> 00:51:12,104 - But I, but I've never met... - Cut! 830 00:51:12,188 --> 00:51:14,269 Lila, go and talk to our friend, please? 831 00:51:17,723 --> 00:51:20,305 Sorry, we're just trying to make a film over there. 832 00:51:20,637 --> 00:51:22,053 Would you mind...? 833 00:51:22,677 --> 00:51:24,425 Action. 834 00:51:29,254 --> 00:51:30,627 Hello. 835 00:51:30,669 --> 00:51:33,666 - Can I help you? - I need someone to please undo these. 836 00:51:33,707 --> 00:51:36,829 But this is the first time I've met you in my entire life. 837 00:51:37,745 --> 00:51:39,701 But I need you. 838 00:51:40,575 --> 00:51:43,614 In that case, you'd better come inside. 839 00:51:47,652 --> 00:51:48,817 Cut! Fantastic. 840 00:51:50,482 --> 00:51:53,687 Thank you, sir. How much are these? 841 00:52:45,677 --> 00:52:49,965 Apparently, it was some kind of localised power surge. The college wasn't affected. 842 00:52:50,006 --> 00:52:52,962 It'll be Mr Harper at No. 12 with his industrial strimmer. 843 00:52:53,003 --> 00:52:54,835 I know. I know. He's so selfish. 844 00:52:55,834 --> 00:52:57,415 Damn you, Mr Harper! 845 00:53:17,353 --> 00:53:19,227 That's mine! 846 00:53:19,935 --> 00:53:22,515 Miss Fiveways, sorry, can I have a quick word? 847 00:53:23,847 --> 00:53:27,510 All things considered, I think you know me well enough to call me Candy. 848 00:53:28,384 --> 00:53:30,507 Candy. 849 00:53:30,549 --> 00:53:31,756 I just wanted to... 850 00:53:31,798 --> 00:53:34,711 I just wanted to thank you for "helping" Baggy the other day. 851 00:53:35,710 --> 00:53:37,708 - It's my pleasure. - Was it? 852 00:53:38,832 --> 00:53:40,081 Was it? 853 00:53:40,123 --> 00:53:41,621 Because... 854 00:53:42,328 --> 00:53:46,366 you know, we all need a little bit of help, once in a while. 855 00:53:53,193 --> 00:53:55,191 Thank God! 856 00:53:55,524 --> 00:53:58,396 You don't know how long I've waited to hear you say that. 857 00:53:59,311 --> 00:54:01,060 Really? 858 00:54:01,851 --> 00:54:04,931 I really want you. 859 00:54:06,679 --> 00:54:07,928 This is... 860 00:54:08,220 --> 00:54:09,593 That is amazing! 861 00:54:10,218 --> 00:54:12,091 Go on, go on, teach me. 862 00:54:12,133 --> 00:54:14,255 Yeah, show me the fifth way. 863 00:54:22,247 --> 00:54:23,454 OK. 864 00:54:25,952 --> 00:54:28,907 So, Baggy, what am I supposed to be feeling in this scene? 865 00:54:28,949 --> 00:54:32,029 When you come in, you should be like, "Whoa, what's going on?" 866 00:54:32,071 --> 00:54:34,735 But don't say it. Do it with your eyes, like, "Whoa." 867 00:54:36,858 --> 00:54:38,397 Joe? 868 00:54:40,687 --> 00:54:42,227 What are you doing? 869 00:54:42,393 --> 00:54:44,433 - Candy. I'm waiting for Candy. - What? 870 00:54:47,014 --> 00:54:49,096 She's going to show me the fifth way. 871 00:54:49,137 --> 00:54:50,427 - Really? - Yeah. 872 00:54:50,760 --> 00:54:53,841 She said I needed to be fully lubed up. 873 00:54:53,882 --> 00:54:57,004 I couldn't find any baby oil, so I used a little bit of butter 874 00:54:57,046 --> 00:54:59,418 and she said that's even better, so... 875 00:54:59,793 --> 00:55:01,749 - Wow! You're a natural. - Yeah. 876 00:55:02,540 --> 00:55:06,953 It's actually going to happen, Liles. A film-star woman! 877 00:55:06,994 --> 00:55:08,160 Jessica Rabbit. 878 00:55:08,201 --> 00:55:11,739 Jessica Rabbit went home 20 minutes ago. She's done for the day. 879 00:55:13,196 --> 00:55:14,196 Pardon? 880 00:55:14,403 --> 00:55:17,151 Yeah. I think she's messing with you. 881 00:55:17,192 --> 00:55:19,981 No. No. Cos... 882 00:55:20,023 --> 00:55:22,104 She meant it. I could tell. She was really... 883 00:55:22,146 --> 00:55:24,144 I don't know, she was sexy. 884 00:55:24,476 --> 00:55:26,059 She meant it. 885 00:55:26,100 --> 00:55:27,932 Well, 886 00:55:27,973 --> 00:55:32,177 seeing as we're alone and you're all greased up, 887 00:55:33,176 --> 00:55:35,133 it seems a shame to let you go to waste. 888 00:55:36,839 --> 00:55:38,421 I want you. 889 00:55:39,628 --> 00:55:41,209 God, Joe, I want you. 890 00:55:42,667 --> 00:55:43,667 Really? 891 00:55:45,622 --> 00:55:48,244 No. Just messing with you. 892 00:56:00,232 --> 00:56:03,479 No, I've mentioned hoover bags, 893 00:56:03,812 --> 00:56:06,434 Yes. We need some more cleaning tablets for the dishwasher. 894 00:56:07,808 --> 00:56:09,973 I'm sure we had a full tub of this yesterday. 895 00:56:10,514 --> 00:56:11,596 Dad! 896 00:56:12,096 --> 00:56:13,136 It's... 897 00:56:13,177 --> 00:56:15,759 It's 7:34. Shouldn't you be slipping into gear? 898 00:56:16,466 --> 00:56:18,714 "Mirror, signal, manoeuvre." 899 00:56:20,088 --> 00:56:23,501 Someone wants us out of the way so they can get on with their special film. 900 00:56:25,457 --> 00:56:28,704 Yes. Your mother and I are very excited about it. We can't wait to see it. 901 00:56:29,161 --> 00:56:30,910 You want to see it? 902 00:56:30,952 --> 00:56:34,573 Well, of course we want to see it. It's your two-minute masterpiece, innit? 903 00:56:36,113 --> 00:56:39,818 We can't wait to see what you've come up with for your college film. 904 00:56:40,734 --> 00:56:42,107 Shooting it today. 905 00:56:45,437 --> 00:56:49,808 OK, guys, this is going to be the two-minute film short for Mr Dulberg. 906 00:56:49,850 --> 00:56:51,931 Take one. 907 00:56:57,425 --> 00:56:59,423 - Cut. - Sorry. Sorry. 908 00:57:00,797 --> 00:57:03,294 - Yeah. Hello. - One more week, then you deliver. 909 00:57:04,293 --> 00:57:07,041 OK, Mum. That's, that's not a problem. 910 00:57:07,748 --> 00:57:13,784 Well, if you don't, I'm going to find you and then, if I find you, I'm going to kill you. 911 00:57:15,949 --> 00:57:17,363 That sounds great. 912 00:57:18,404 --> 00:57:22,067 - Looking forward to it. Can't wait. - Yeah. I bet you can't. 913 00:57:23,607 --> 00:57:26,146 Baby. Sweetness. 914 00:57:27,520 --> 00:57:29,518 - See you soon. - OK. 915 00:57:30,100 --> 00:57:31,641 Yeah, I'll see you soon. 916 00:57:33,015 --> 00:57:35,179 Love you. 917 00:57:35,220 --> 00:57:37,635 Yeah, I love you, too. All right. 918 00:57:37,677 --> 00:57:38,801 Bye. Bye. 919 00:57:42,128 --> 00:57:45,167 - Everything all right? - It's fine. It's all fine. 920 00:57:45,208 --> 00:57:46,582 She's a super lady. 921 00:57:47,331 --> 00:57:48,955 - Turn it off. - OK. 922 00:57:50,412 --> 00:57:51,412 Again. 923 00:57:54,199 --> 00:57:55,573 Candy, are you happy? 924 00:57:55,615 --> 00:57:57,446 Happy. 925 00:57:57,488 --> 00:57:59,319 Carl, are you ready? 926 00:57:59,361 --> 00:58:01,151 I was born ready. 927 00:58:06,771 --> 00:58:07,936 Wow. 928 00:58:11,141 --> 00:58:13,764 - Scene... - Wait! Wait. Wait. 929 00:58:22,671 --> 00:58:24,544 Scene 23. Take one. 930 00:58:26,751 --> 00:58:29,248 And action. 931 00:58:30,580 --> 00:58:32,703 My wife thinks I should ask you to stay. 932 00:58:33,619 --> 00:58:36,741 - Are you going to? - I haven't decided yet. 933 00:58:39,321 --> 00:58:42,818 - What do you think? - Depends. 934 00:58:42,860 --> 00:58:44,524 How good are you with rejection? 935 00:59:04,379 --> 00:59:07,085 Lila, could we have some Wet Wipes over here, please? 936 00:59:08,417 --> 00:59:09,499 Take two. 937 00:59:10,290 --> 00:59:11,996 Just a couple more minutes. 938 00:59:12,496 --> 00:59:13,496 Maybe. 939 00:59:15,327 --> 00:59:16,617 Take six. 940 00:59:17,116 --> 00:59:19,823 Come on, Carlito. Wake up, little man. 941 00:59:20,072 --> 00:59:21,321 Up. Rise. 942 00:59:23,360 --> 00:59:24,526 Take seven. 943 00:59:32,018 --> 00:59:34,391 Maybe this'll help. 944 00:59:38,720 --> 00:59:41,384 I don't even remember seeing that on the props list. 945 00:59:41,426 --> 00:59:43,424 Joe, that's not one of our props. 946 00:59:43,465 --> 00:59:45,463 She just got that out of the drawer. 947 00:59:45,505 --> 00:59:47,086 What? 948 00:59:47,128 --> 00:59:50,000 Well, why would there be a vibrator in my parents'...? 949 00:59:50,042 --> 00:59:52,040 God, no! No, no, no, no! 950 00:59:52,081 --> 00:59:53,747 Cut! Cut! Cut! 951 00:59:53,789 --> 00:59:55,412 That is disgusting! 952 01:00:00,157 --> 01:00:02,155 Hey, morning, Joe! 953 01:00:44,488 --> 01:00:46,069 It's delicious. 954 01:01:12,501 --> 01:01:17,080 - Are you sure it's all right? - Three cancellations in one day, Val? 955 01:01:17,121 --> 01:01:21,367 I think somebody up there is ordering us to take a little much-needed RandR. 956 01:01:22,075 --> 01:01:24,698 Stephen. You're a bad boy. 957 01:01:26,612 --> 01:01:28,194 104. Take three. 958 01:01:33,147 --> 01:01:35,645 And action. 959 01:01:36,269 --> 01:01:39,558 - Do you love him? - How am I meant to know? 960 01:01:39,599 --> 01:01:41,681 You feel his breath on your neck, 961 01:01:42,804 --> 01:01:46,551 and your skin reaches for his touch. 962 01:01:47,591 --> 01:01:49,381 He brushes your arm 963 01:01:50,505 --> 01:01:53,294 and his fingerprint tingles for a minute. 964 01:01:55,292 --> 01:01:59,079 You can't close your eyes without seeing him. 965 01:02:00,495 --> 01:02:03,200 But you wouldn't change a thing, 966 01:02:03,242 --> 01:02:06,114 because everything's brighter than it was a week ago. 967 01:02:20,183 --> 01:02:23,222 Shit. Everybody, back door! 968 01:02:24,013 --> 01:02:25,262 I didn't agree to that. 969 01:02:26,011 --> 01:02:29,424 Don't cut. And, Candy, pick up that line from... "and you churn". 970 01:02:29,466 --> 01:02:32,837 No! No! My parents are here. Everyone, we have to go now. 971 01:02:32,879 --> 01:02:34,503 - Now! - Ten seconds. Go. 972 01:02:44,326 --> 01:02:48,655 While we've got the house to ourselves, why don't you give me some special driving lessons? 973 01:02:48,697 --> 01:02:51,194 You do need some help with your parallel parking. 974 01:03:00,060 --> 01:03:01,601 Here, hold this. 975 01:03:02,100 --> 01:03:03,474 It tickles. 976 01:03:05,180 --> 01:03:08,469 Afternoon, Mr Rogers. Nice day for it. 977 01:03:11,216 --> 01:03:13,796 Everything's brighter than it was a week ago. 978 01:03:16,377 --> 01:03:18,833 - We've got it. Cut. - Go! Go! Go, go! Go, go, go! 979 01:03:18,874 --> 01:03:20,457 We're going! 980 01:03:33,984 --> 01:03:36,232 - Get out! Get out! - Run! Run! 981 01:03:52,633 --> 01:03:56,961 - You're coming with me, Mrs Clarke. - Meow, Mr Clarke! 982 01:04:00,000 --> 01:04:02,498 We need a little music. 983 01:04:02,540 --> 01:04:03,580 There. 984 01:04:08,325 --> 01:04:11,863 I think if I just undo this little thing here, 985 01:04:11,905 --> 01:04:14,111 and take this down here. 986 01:04:20,105 --> 01:04:23,227 Hello, Joe. Why have your parents...? 987 01:04:35,714 --> 01:04:36,755 Stephen. 988 01:04:40,126 --> 01:04:42,332 Your whole family want to be in the porn star. 989 01:04:43,830 --> 01:04:45,204 Doctor... 990 01:04:47,077 --> 01:04:49,075 - Doctor! - Doctor? 991 01:04:51,031 --> 01:04:54,487 - I'm going to lick you like a stamp. - That's right. 992 01:04:55,027 --> 01:04:58,773 - Give me your shirt. - I'm going to flip you over like a pancake. 993 01:04:59,398 --> 01:05:01,438 Trousers, too. Trousers! 994 01:05:01,480 --> 01:05:03,144 We need to make a rope. 995 01:05:05,476 --> 01:05:08,056 Now, how about if I... 996 01:05:11,844 --> 01:05:13,218 Come on, help me. 997 01:05:13,259 --> 01:05:15,424 - No. - Not even if I do this? 998 01:05:15,923 --> 01:05:18,296 Who's your driving instructor? 999 01:05:20,336 --> 01:05:24,290 - Who's your driving instructor? - Hold that end. Hold it tight, OK? 1000 01:05:24,332 --> 01:05:26,496 You, Daddy! You! 1001 01:05:38,650 --> 01:05:40,856 Your mum is a dirty vixen! 1002 01:05:54,717 --> 01:05:58,214 It's no good. I can't wait any longer. I'm bursting. 1003 01:05:58,256 --> 01:06:00,836 Hold it in. Do the breathing. 1004 01:06:03,251 --> 01:06:04,957 No, is no good. Is coming. 1005 01:06:04,999 --> 01:06:07,122 Wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait. 1006 01:06:36,426 --> 01:06:38,091 Thank God. 1007 01:06:41,920 --> 01:06:43,169 Whoops. 1008 01:06:46,540 --> 01:06:49,413 Mum. We didn't hear you come home. 1009 01:06:53,284 --> 01:06:54,616 This is Vlad. 1010 01:06:54,657 --> 01:06:56,156 Plumber. 1011 01:06:56,198 --> 01:06:58,404 Just popped in to fix the toilet. 1012 01:07:00,568 --> 01:07:02,192 I didn't know it was broken. 1013 01:07:02,524 --> 01:07:05,646 It's not any more. He's a very good plumber. 1014 01:07:08,685 --> 01:07:10,434 - Do you want me to show you out? - Yes. 1015 01:07:10,475 --> 01:07:12,556 - OK, it's just this way. - Thank you. 1016 01:07:16,136 --> 01:07:17,718 Dad, Vlad. Vlad, Dad. 1017 01:07:21,423 --> 01:07:23,837 Ladies and gentlemen, The Love Storm. 1018 01:07:23,878 --> 01:07:25,876 The Love Storm! 1019 01:07:25,918 --> 01:07:27,666 Joe, wrong one. 1020 01:07:27,708 --> 01:07:29,581 No, it's not that. That is... 1021 01:07:29,622 --> 01:07:31,454 That's the second-best film ever made. 1022 01:07:31,495 --> 01:07:33,910 That's two minutes of teacher-pleasing magic. 1023 01:07:33,952 --> 01:07:40,154 But this, this is, without doubt, the most intelligent, moving, 1024 01:07:40,196 --> 01:07:43,817 and downright-horny little adult film that Lila has ever seen. 1025 01:07:43,858 --> 01:07:47,064 That's saying something, because she's a dirty little monkey. 1026 01:07:47,355 --> 01:07:52,724 So, here's to you guys, the wonderful cast and crew of The Love Storm. 1027 01:07:52,766 --> 01:07:55,888 - Thanks, everybody. - The Love Storm! 1028 01:07:55,930 --> 01:07:57,262 The Love Storm. 1029 01:07:58,011 --> 01:08:00,966 - Candy, I want to tell you that I... - I know. 1030 01:08:09,083 --> 01:08:13,620 Greetings, fellow pornographers. We having a party, are we? Very nice. 1031 01:08:13,662 --> 01:08:17,616 - What the hell are you doing here? - It's been a long time. 1032 01:08:17,658 --> 01:08:20,488 Honestly, woman, you don't phone, you don't write. 1033 01:08:20,530 --> 01:08:22,944 I don't know what's going on here, but... 1034 01:08:22,986 --> 01:08:26,233 - What is going on here? - All right, Van Damme, calm down. 1035 01:08:26,275 --> 01:08:29,521 What? A new admirer, is it? Yeah, he's very cute. 1036 01:08:29,562 --> 01:08:31,644 Can't I have a drink with my leading lady? 1037 01:08:31,685 --> 01:08:34,391 Wishful thinking, but my agent already told you. 1038 01:08:34,432 --> 01:08:38,138 - I don't work for low-rent pimps like you. - But, sweetheart, you just did. 1039 01:08:39,844 --> 01:08:43,423 Joe, what a pickle we've caused with our little deception. 1040 01:08:43,465 --> 01:08:47,586 - Joe, what? - You bastard. I trusted you. 1041 01:08:51,041 --> 01:08:52,914 I trusted you. 1042 01:08:56,245 --> 01:08:57,993 Time of the month, is it? 1043 01:08:59,033 --> 01:09:01,905 Lads? Yes? No? 1044 01:09:03,071 --> 01:09:05,152 Suit yourselves. 1045 01:09:05,194 --> 01:09:07,358 Now... 1046 01:09:07,399 --> 01:09:11,230 - Where's my film? - No way. We had a deal, silent partners. 1047 01:09:12,145 --> 01:09:16,515 - This is our film. This is Baggy's film. - We've got a contract and it's my film. 1048 01:09:16,557 --> 01:09:17,889 There you go. Take it. 1049 01:09:17,931 --> 01:09:19,929 Baggy, what? 1050 01:09:19,971 --> 01:09:22,551 It's over, Joe. Forget it. This is all bullshit. 1051 01:09:21,593 --> 01:09:23,507 - Good luck with the screening. - But... 1052 01:09:25,048 --> 01:09:27,046 Trouble in paradise? 1053 01:09:27,088 --> 01:09:28,877 You know what, Joe? 1054 01:09:29,335 --> 01:09:31,666 You remind me of me when I was your age. 1055 01:09:31,708 --> 01:09:35,787 Except I didn't make so many cock-ups and I was a little better-looking. 1056 01:09:35,829 --> 01:09:37,161 And I wasn't such a twat. 1057 01:09:42,988 --> 01:09:44,611 Is yours on soon? 1058 01:09:45,402 --> 01:09:47,858 - Where's Baggy? - I don't know. I haven't seen him. 1059 01:09:48,192 --> 01:09:51,563 Yeah, big up Diego Meriachi. Where are you, buddy? 1060 01:09:51,604 --> 01:09:54,643 There he is. Respect is due, brother. Radical stuff. 1061 01:09:54,685 --> 01:09:59,181 OK, next up, and a highly-anticipated collaboration. 1062 01:09:59,222 --> 01:10:00,679 John Bagley and Joe Clarke. 1063 01:10:00,720 --> 01:10:03,218 This one has been shrouded in mystery, 1064 01:10:03,260 --> 01:10:07,048 so I guess we're looking at a world premiere, here, folks. 1065 01:10:07,505 --> 01:10:12,875 What do you say we kick back and enjoy Uncovering The Language Of A Visual Event. 1066 01:10:17,745 --> 01:10:19,910 - Baggy! - Joe, I had to come and speak to you. 1067 01:10:19,951 --> 01:10:23,989 No, I know. It's been tough. Doug, Candy, Lila, it's my fault. 1068 01:10:24,031 --> 01:10:26,861 I switched the films. I had to see it on a big screen. 1069 01:10:28,110 --> 01:10:30,233 - What? - Yeah. 1070 01:10:47,008 --> 01:10:48,464 That looks like our house. 1071 01:10:50,213 --> 01:10:52,543 It is our house! Joe didn't tell us he was using... 1072 01:10:55,332 --> 01:10:57,747 Hello. Can I help you? 1073 01:10:57,788 --> 01:11:01,284 I need someone to please undo these. Please let me in. 1074 01:11:01,326 --> 01:11:05,156 The sound isn't very good, but picture quality is better than I expected. 1075 01:11:08,486 --> 01:11:11,358 I think you're going to be impressed, Mr De Vere. 1076 01:11:11,399 --> 01:11:13,564 It's different from our usual product. 1077 01:11:13,606 --> 01:11:16,519 It's got heart. It's got soul. 1078 01:11:16,561 --> 01:11:20,932 It's got a pile of hard-earned cash resting on it, so shut up and put it on. 1079 01:11:50,028 --> 01:11:52,109 You're a dead man. 1080 01:11:54,190 --> 01:11:55,730 Maybe this'll help. 1081 01:11:59,893 --> 01:12:01,059 Bend over. 1082 01:12:19,581 --> 01:12:22,620 - Oi! Where's my porno? - Doug. 1083 01:12:28,197 --> 01:12:29,655 No way! 1084 01:12:29,696 --> 01:12:32,111 - Holy shit! - Will you shut up? 1085 01:12:32,152 --> 01:12:35,108 - Not bad. - You're not wrong there, Robby. 1086 01:12:53,422 --> 01:12:55,212 What was she doing with that pear? 1087 01:13:04,786 --> 01:13:09,531 - Joe, Joe, congratulations. What a premiere! - Joe, could we have a word? 1088 01:13:09,573 --> 01:13:12,695 - Joe, what... - Good, Mr Clarke, a quick chat. 1089 01:13:12,737 --> 01:13:14,443 Mr Dulberg, I think we need to talk. 1090 01:13:14,485 --> 01:13:16,816 Excuse me. I'd like a word with Joe's... 1091 01:13:16,858 --> 01:13:18,106 - Teacher. - Dad. 1092 01:13:18,147 --> 01:13:19,813 - I'm Joe's teacher. - I'm Joe's dad. 1093 01:13:19,855 --> 01:13:21,728 - This is Joe's dad. - This is Joe's teacher. 1094 01:13:21,769 --> 01:13:23,476 - Mr Clarke? - Mr Dulberg? 1095 01:13:23,517 --> 01:13:25,140 Who is this man? 1096 01:13:25,182 --> 01:13:27,680 Listen, I am telling you, I am Joe's father. 1097 01:13:28,554 --> 01:13:31,509 I did come here with the express purpose of killing you, 1098 01:13:31,551 --> 01:13:35,297 but, seeing as you produced a work of such outstanding quality, 1099 01:13:35,339 --> 01:13:40,043 and I'll probably have to stand in line for the privilege, I'm going to leave you to it. 1100 01:13:40,084 --> 01:13:42,790 But Mr Dulberg came to my house. 1101 01:13:42,832 --> 01:13:45,829 Rewind. I've never been to your house in my life. 1102 01:13:46,786 --> 01:13:47,535 Right. 1103 01:13:47,577 --> 01:13:50,532 - How dare you use our house... - You think you're pretty clever. 1104 01:13:53,071 --> 01:13:55,110 - She's talking about Florida. - Stephen. 1105 01:13:57,650 --> 01:14:00,980 You, the pair of you, can forget about your diplomas. 1106 01:14:01,022 --> 01:14:03,602 You can forget about coming back to class. That... 1107 01:14:03,644 --> 01:14:05,892 That was totally uncool, guys. 1108 01:14:11,511 --> 01:14:13,884 It's good. It's really very good. 1109 01:14:15,049 --> 01:14:18,171 And you made this yourself? You're a dark horse, Douglas. 1110 01:14:18,212 --> 01:14:20,710 I think we might be in the running for a Golden Cockerel. 1111 01:14:20,752 --> 01:14:23,749 A Cock? What, for me? 1112 01:14:23,791 --> 01:14:25,289 I mean, for us? 1113 01:14:25,330 --> 01:14:26,913 And the winners are... 1114 01:14:26,954 --> 01:14:29,910 Michael De Vere and Douglas Perry. 1115 01:14:30,325 --> 01:14:33,281 You keep this up, Doug, and I might actually start to like you. 1116 01:14:37,317 --> 01:14:39,399 It's my best work. 1117 01:14:47,973 --> 01:14:50,512 - You made a great film. - For a bunch of gangsters. 1118 01:14:50,553 --> 01:14:53,925 You humiliated me. I've lost Candy. I got thrown out of college. 1119 01:14:55,632 --> 01:14:59,253 Bags, who cares about college? We made a movie! 1120 01:14:59,294 --> 01:15:00,793 You don't know how lucky you are. 1121 01:15:00,835 --> 01:15:03,832 You were born with talent. I'd kill for an ounce of it. 1122 01:15:05,122 --> 01:15:07,495 Listen, Baggy, I've been thinking. 1123 01:15:07,536 --> 01:15:09,534 We should start a new film. 1124 01:15:10,117 --> 01:15:12,240 I'll get the money, from a safe place this time. 1125 01:15:12,281 --> 01:15:15,570 - We'll call up Candy and... - Stop, Joe. Just stop. Please. 1126 01:15:17,193 --> 01:15:19,233 Look at me. I'm John Bagley from Leatherhead. 1127 01:15:19,274 --> 01:15:20,981 We had an excellent adventure, 1128 01:15:21,022 --> 01:15:24,144 more than some people have in a whole lifetime, but it wasn't real. 1129 01:15:25,143 --> 01:15:28,807 - I'm not talented. They hated it. - They didn't hate it. 1130 01:15:28,849 --> 01:15:30,555 - Leave me alone. - They were shocked, 1131 01:15:30,597 --> 01:15:34,259 because it was a dirty movie. But it was a great dirty movie! 1132 01:15:34,301 --> 01:15:36,299 You got it right! Bags! 1133 01:15:52,866 --> 01:15:54,698 She would not sink with those, huh? 1134 01:15:59,776 --> 01:16:01,024 Wow! 1135 01:16:02,690 --> 01:16:04,896 - It's The Love Storm! - The Love Storm! 1136 01:16:05,562 --> 01:16:06,894 We'd better tell Joe. 1137 01:16:06,935 --> 01:16:08,267 - Go and tell Joe. - Quick. 1138 01:16:19,798 --> 01:16:21,879 We too would like to speak with Joe, please. Now. 1139 01:16:22,253 --> 01:16:24,668 - I'm sorry? - The bad man want Joe's Cock. 1140 01:16:24,709 --> 01:16:26,291 What did you say? 1141 01:16:26,624 --> 01:16:29,204 The bad man, OK, he want 1142 01:16:29,953 --> 01:16:31,244 Joe's, Joe's Cock. 1143 01:16:31,286 --> 01:16:33,700 No. No, no, no. You saying it wrong. 1144 01:16:33,991 --> 01:16:35,740 Let me explain it, please. 1145 01:16:36,364 --> 01:16:38,237 Your son, Joe, 1146 01:16:38,279 --> 01:16:40,652 all his life, he dream of Cock. 1147 01:16:40,693 --> 01:16:42,275 He talk about it all of the time. 1148 01:16:42,316 --> 01:16:45,605 - "Cock, Cock, Cock. I want Cock." - "I have to have Cock all to myself." 1149 01:16:45,647 --> 01:16:49,101 But the bad man, he want Joe's Cock. 1150 01:16:49,726 --> 01:16:53,305 And he is taking Joe's Cock tonight. 1151 01:16:55,387 --> 01:16:56,844 Joe! Come here! 1152 01:16:57,593 --> 01:17:00,423 His mother and I, we've always had a bad feeling about all this. 1153 01:17:03,045 --> 01:17:05,085 - What's going on? - For you. 1154 01:17:08,832 --> 01:17:10,788 Best film nomination: The Love Storm. 1155 01:17:11,079 --> 01:17:13,494 Directed by Doug Perry. Produced by Michael De Vere. 1156 01:17:13,577 --> 01:17:17,073 - He's a bastard. - More of this stuff, Joe? Why? 1157 01:17:17,115 --> 01:17:19,738 Look, Dad, listen, it's fine. I'll bin it. Don't worry. 1158 01:17:19,779 --> 01:17:24,649 No. Hold on, hold on. I mean, much as I keenly disapprove of what you did, 1159 01:17:24,691 --> 01:17:28,187 I have to admit that your film did have a certain... 1160 01:17:32,558 --> 01:17:34,598 Yeah, it did, didn't it? 1161 01:17:34,639 --> 01:17:37,095 Now, you know I'm not a fan of this kind of thing, 1162 01:17:37,136 --> 01:17:40,342 but it seems to me, you have to get up to London and reclaim your film. 1163 01:17:41,132 --> 01:17:43,797 Here. Take the Mondeo. 1164 01:17:48,292 --> 01:17:50,997 Guys, I'm going to need you. OK? 1165 01:17:53,037 --> 01:17:54,286 Thank you. 1166 01:18:01,654 --> 01:18:03,694 Lila, I really need your help. 1167 01:18:03,735 --> 01:18:06,232 Do you know what? Forget that. Baggy needs your help. 1168 01:18:06,274 --> 01:18:10,062 - I've told you already. I'm not interested. - He say that you would said this. 1169 01:18:10,103 --> 01:18:14,724 And he said he have a special message for you that it is all set and he have this big plan. 1170 01:18:14,766 --> 01:18:16,764 Yeah, yeah. I love his big plans. 1171 01:18:16,805 --> 01:18:18,179 Love his big plans. 1172 01:18:18,220 --> 01:18:20,218 We can have the Cock. Mr Baggy! 1173 01:18:21,217 --> 01:18:23,299 - Baggy! - Baggy! 1174 01:18:38,409 --> 01:18:42,696 It's great to see you. All right? We'll speak soon. Personally, I love the jacket. 1175 01:18:54,518 --> 01:18:55,932 Amazing. 1176 01:18:56,266 --> 01:18:58,514 - Hi, Joe. - You look fantastic. 1177 01:18:58,555 --> 01:19:00,512 Where's Baggy? Why isn't he here yet? 1178 01:19:00,553 --> 01:19:02,135 - Joe! Joe! - Lila. 1179 01:19:02,176 --> 01:19:03,634 Lila! 1180 01:19:03,675 --> 01:19:05,673 He not make it. 1181 01:19:05,715 --> 01:19:07,879 I'm sorry, Lila, but we fail. 1182 01:19:08,878 --> 01:19:10,460 Baggy, he say, no. 1183 01:19:10,502 --> 01:19:12,375 He not want Joe's Cock. 1184 01:19:12,416 --> 01:19:15,622 You don't understand, Vlad. This is for him. We're here for him. 1185 01:19:15,663 --> 01:19:18,577 It's my fault, all of this. 1186 01:19:18,619 --> 01:19:21,116 I'm going to make it right. 1187 01:19:21,157 --> 01:19:22,739 Right now. 1188 01:19:24,154 --> 01:19:25,777 Candy! Candy! Candy! 1189 01:19:27,026 --> 01:19:29,066 - Hey. - What do you want? 1190 01:19:29,108 --> 01:19:31,314 - Leave me alone. - Please, hear me out. 1191 01:19:31,356 --> 01:19:33,978 I'm sorry for what happened. I shouldn't have lied to you. 1192 01:19:34,019 --> 01:19:37,350 Well, if you're here to pick up an award, you're out of luck. 1193 01:19:37,391 --> 01:19:38,889 Looks like you got screwed, too. 1194 01:19:38,931 --> 01:19:42,553 I don't care about the awards, Candy. I'm here because of Baggy. 1195 01:19:42,595 --> 01:19:45,799 I had to let you know. He didn't know anything about Doug Perry. 1196 01:19:46,549 --> 01:19:51,960 I lied to him too. I'm not asking you to forgive me, but you have to forgive him. 1197 01:19:53,000 --> 01:19:56,497 Look, I was an idiot for getting involved with you guys in the first place. 1198 01:19:56,539 --> 01:19:59,785 You're just kids. We're from different worlds. 1199 01:20:04,406 --> 01:20:06,029 Ladies and gentlemen, 1200 01:20:06,071 --> 01:20:09,775 welcome to the Fifteenth annual Golden Cockerel Awards. 1201 01:20:09,817 --> 01:20:14,853 The ultimate recognition of achievement in adult-oriented entertainment. 1202 01:20:14,895 --> 01:20:18,475 So, please take your seats and I'd watch where you sit, 1203 01:20:18,517 --> 01:20:22,221 as we honour this year's outstanding individuals. 1204 01:20:25,093 --> 01:20:30,879 So, saw The Love Storm. Got to say, I loved it, very impressed. 1205 01:20:30,921 --> 01:20:34,001 Watched it beginning to end. I'm a little sore. 1206 01:20:34,043 --> 01:20:36,998 Yeah, well, it's a porno. It's not proper filmmaking. 1207 01:20:37,040 --> 01:20:40,453 You made a great film. What's wrong with getting your start in erotica? 1208 01:20:40,495 --> 01:20:42,493 My customers think it's a masterpiece. 1209 01:20:43,617 --> 01:20:46,821 I'm serious. They love it. Can't get enough. 1210 01:20:46,863 --> 01:20:50,193 The story, the characters, the classic denouement 1211 01:20:50,235 --> 01:20:53,190 and there are some very good dirty bits. 1212 01:20:53,399 --> 01:20:56,479 You know what they say, sex is only dirty if you're doing it right. 1213 01:21:10,132 --> 01:21:12,795 Presenting our Best Film Award this evening, 1214 01:21:12,837 --> 01:21:16,750 please welcome on stage the divine, the delightful, 1215 01:21:16,791 --> 01:21:19,788 the delicious Miss Candy Fiveways! 1216 01:21:27,573 --> 01:21:30,445 Thank you, everyone, and thank you for coming. 1217 01:21:30,487 --> 01:21:33,067 It's an honour to be here with you tonight. 1218 01:21:33,525 --> 01:21:36,771 The nominees for best film are: 1219 01:21:37,729 --> 01:21:40,310 We All Know Who You Did Last Summer. 1220 01:21:41,850 --> 01:21:43,848 There's Something Up Mary. 1221 01:21:45,472 --> 01:21:47,553 Ram Raiders Of The Lost Park. 1222 01:21:49,259 --> 01:21:50,716 And... 1223 01:21:50,757 --> 01:21:52,090 The Love Storm. 1224 01:21:52,131 --> 01:21:53,754 Yes. 1225 01:21:54,504 --> 01:21:55,877 Yes! 1226 01:21:56,461 --> 01:21:58,125 And the winner is... 1227 01:22:04,161 --> 01:22:07,657 - The Love Storm. - Yes! 1228 01:22:08,906 --> 01:22:09,947 Yes! 1229 01:22:28,844 --> 01:22:32,216 Produced by Joe Clarke and directed by John Bagley. 1230 01:22:49,532 --> 01:22:53,445 Congratulations to the real team behind The Love Storm! 1231 01:23:04,975 --> 01:23:06,681 Thank you, everyone. 1232 01:23:07,390 --> 01:23:08,888 Thank you. 1233 01:23:13,384 --> 01:23:14,632 This is a... 1234 01:23:14,673 --> 01:23:16,546 This is a fantastic award. 1235 01:23:16,588 --> 01:23:17,795 It's a really... 1236 01:23:17,837 --> 01:23:20,127 It's a really chunky prize. 1237 01:23:20,168 --> 01:23:21,541 But... 1238 01:23:21,583 --> 01:23:25,829 It belongs to someone who can't be with us tonight, unfortunately. 1239 01:23:25,871 --> 01:23:28,951 But, nevertheless, this stands as real, concrete, 1240 01:23:28,993 --> 01:23:31,698 undeniable proof of the talent behind the camera. 1241 01:23:32,115 --> 01:23:33,571 And that's a guy... 1242 01:23:37,360 --> 01:23:39,066 And that's a guy called John Bagley. 1243 01:23:41,605 --> 01:23:43,686 Please, you're embarrassing me. 1244 01:23:44,019 --> 01:23:47,849 Sorry I couldn't be here in person to accept this award, but, thank you. 1245 01:23:47,932 --> 01:23:52,011 Making this film has been an unbelievable experience. 1246 01:23:52,053 --> 01:23:55,050 I've learnt so much. I've seen some amazing things. 1247 01:23:55,092 --> 01:23:57,839 One horrific thing, but I won't go into that now. 1248 01:23:57,880 --> 01:24:00,544 Thank goodness for Wet Wipes. That's all I'm going to say. 1249 01:24:00,586 --> 01:24:05,581 I'd like to thank the cast and crew and most of all, my best mate, Joe Clarke, 1250 01:24:05,622 --> 01:24:08,037 for making me do shit I don't want to do. 1251 01:24:09,452 --> 01:24:11,034 God bless erotica! 1252 01:27:11,811 --> 01:27:13,476 Go, guitar, go! 1253 01:27:19,387 --> 01:27:20,802 Come on, now!