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Good evening, my fellow Americans.
It's me, your last semblance of a decent,
law-abiding, qualified president, Barack Obama...
here to introduce to you the trailer...
for Marques Black's new film...
Uh... Secret Service Man.
Now, although I am highly disappointed
with our current president,
I gotta say...
Marques Black's career choices of late
have disappointed me far more.
That's right, Marques.
You are single-handedly responsible for disappointing
the world's most beloved black man.
I'm just kidding! What's up with y'all, baby?
It's Deandre McDonald.
Okay, here talking shit
about Marques Black's latest piece of shit.
Okay, that's wrong of me.
See, I think it's a piece of shit.
But here, watch this shitty new trailer
and just show me and tell me how shitty you think it is.
Roll that beautiful bean footage.
I don't need more protection.
Sir, we have it on good authority that an attempt
will definitely be made on your life.
But why? What have I ever done to anybody?
Yeah.
At some point...
That's better than Tiger.
...in every man's life...
Go, go, go! Make him run, make him run.
...he gets a chance...
I already have enough blacks.
What do I need with this black?
Sir, he is the best black for the job.
...to be great.
So close.
Now, I know that being late is your people's thang...
but I can't risk losing my life
because you're on CP time. Does that make sense?
Yes, sir. My baby mama's been tripping.
Who, Shanika? She was tripping?
He's got a gun!
Marques Black is...
Did good by you, sir, didn't I?
Eh. You were just okay.
Come on, let's get the hell out of here.
...Secret Service Man.
Marques, Marques, Marques. Um...
Marques, I can only imagine
what you were thinking when you took this film.
You were probably just sitting there, just being like...
"Um, excuse me, hold on.
"Now, how can I make the most amount of money
"while selling out the most amount of people
"while being dead-ass terrible?
"How to be terrible?
How to be terrible?"
This motherfucker need to be checked.
Now, my question is
are you gonna step up to the challenge
and be who you used to be
that authentic comedian that we all fell in love with?
That's all I got to say.
This is Deandre McDonald.
And, oh, yeah, baby!
We got millions! We got millions!
So you think I should have him killed?
Motherfucker got over a million followers.
Wouldn't let that nigga stay alive like that.
Man, if you don't knock it off...
I'm just saying.
Black licorice and peanut butter-mayonnaise
probably got a million followers.
I got 30 million fans.
Relax. We can't kill everybody, man.
This tired nigga's just gotta have cake.
All right.
Yeah, this is gonna be great. Yeah.
Don't worry.
I'm too tired to make a move anyway.
Oh.
Don't look at me like that, okay?
I had to work double shifts at the hospital...
helped Jaylin with his homework,
and I studied three hours for my exam. Yup.
Oh, babe, you must be exhausted!
- Yes. - Here.
Let me rub your shoulders.
Okay, that's nice.
It is.
You know, I could get deeper if you take your shirt off.
- I bet you can. - Mmm-hmm.
I mean, not that I'm trying to get you naked...
because you know, you're exhausted
and that's the last thing that I want.
- I don't wanna do it. - Oh, you don't?
Mmm-mmm. Sex?
No! Hell no.
Girl, ew!
Girl, I'm a Christian. I don't do that.
Now hurry up and take that shirt off.
So, uh, I can rub down
your soft naked body with this oil with no ulterior motive.
Dre, this is lube.
Is it?
Oh, my God!
I'm so embarrassed! Is it the lube?
I'm sorry. But you know what?
You're crazy.
We might as well not let it go to waste.
Right? Hmm?
Babe. Babe, wake up.
What?
Babe, wake up. My last video got over 100,000 hits!
That's so good, babe.
- Don't you wanna see it? - Yeah.
I'll see it later.
Gotta get up and get Jaylin up or else we're gonna be late.
Speaking of late...
our rent is late
and very short.
How much?
- Your half. - Oh.
I'll get that to you today.
Thank you.
Because I cannot cover you again this month.
I still have to pay for my nursing exam
and my entire savings is gone.
That's because you're not as good with money as I am, baby.
Very funny.
- Love you, cutie. - Love you, too.
Mmm.
$22? Dre, you a loser, man.
What the fuck do you do with your money?
Well, let's see here.
Food, take care of our kid, and, oh, yeah...
- eat crack. - You eat crack?
That's what it is then.
Man, you can't eat crack. That shit is expensive.
Oh, our rent is expensive as shit, and it's due ASAP.
Won't even get paid till next week.
Get an advance. I do it all the time.
I will say it helps
that Zena don't hate me as much as she hates you.
Wait, wait, wait. Zena hates me?
Yeah.
Yeah, she ain't gonna hook me up with shit.
The worst she can do is say no, man.
No ain't never hurt anybody.
Hey, Zena!
Is it possible if I get a, uh...
Can I get an advance on my check?
- Maybe... - Advance?
Boy, hell no.
Your lazy ass, too long of a lunch break taking,
backwards-ass food stocking,
motherfucker who stepped on my goddamn toe last week,
and you didn't even say sorry about that shit!
You know what? I hope your mother regrets
even having your monkey ass
and anything that you put your mind to,
I hope you fail at it miserably.
Don't ask me for shit.
Move!
Clean up in aisle three.
There's a lot of hurt in her past.
I thought that went well. I really did.
Good afternoon, ma'am! How you doing?
Hey, ma'am!
Would you like some Port Salut?
Oh, no.
Oh! Wait, I'm sorry. Do it again.
I wanna get it on the camera, uh, for his reel.
- Okay, cool. - Yeah, ask her again.
Do your...
Would you like some cheese?
Cheese, cheese, cheese plate!
Crackers, we gonna make it rain crackers
like blessings from the Lord up in here!
Crackers...
I'm not talking about white people.
I'm talking about crackers!
That's what we do. Let's mess up some cheeses.
Let's mess up some cheeses, yeah.
♪ Gorgonzola, Pepper Jack
♪ Gouda cheese Yeah, all of that ♪
Uh... Mmm.
No, no, no. Come here.
Cut out the comedy show
and just sell them cheese, Deandre.
The problem is,
they don't just want cheese, huh?
She don't want cheese. He don't want cheese.
I don't want cheese. We want respect.
And until I find it, I ain't gonna stop.
- Oh, Denzel Washington! - That's right.
- Hey, do something else. - No, no, no, no!
Go cover my express line.
I don't wanna cover the express line!
- Oh, Tracy Morgan! - That's right.
Deandre, go over there now.
Listen, last time I covered the express line,
ladies came with 100 cans of cat food!
Little lady talking about some...
"Since it's the same brand, it only counts as one."
But I was like, "You know what?
"Fuck that! It doesn't count as one."
Deandre, you are pushing it now, okay?
I'm pushing it? You know what's pushing?
Your hairline!
That's pushing all the way back!
It's one, two, way back!
- That's what it is. - Zena's got mad forehead!
You need to stop talking like Tracy Morgan
and go over there and do your damn job now.
If I don't talk like Tracy Morgan,
I'mma talk like Kevin Hart.
Tell you why, tell you what you did.
It's terrible, disrespectful. Listen, I'm a human being.
Just because you're a more handsome man than I am,
strong-ass jawline and a mustache...
Excuse me.
...that doesn't mean anything.
Okay, I got you.
You got a mustache. What you doing?
Say it again. Say all that shit again.
No, no, no. I can't even remember now.
The part about me being a man.
- I said you was a man? - Yeah.
I might've said that in character.
It's kind of like I get possessed by the spirit.
You know what I'm saying? Like the spirit.
I've been touched by God
and redeemed by the blood of Jesus!
Hallelujah!
- Lord Jesus! - Yeah, come here.
You hit like a girl. That's one redeeming thing.
Yeah, straight up.
Yeah. Need a postcard for that trip?
- You are so fucking fired! - I'm fired?
- Yes! - I'm fired? Thank you!
Who's fired? We're fired?
Fine! Give me the vegetables! I want this cauliflower.
I'mma take some squash, take these bananas.
Give me this God dang apple! Give me it!
We gotta go, we gotta go, we gotta go!
We out!
Right.
Nice job, Thomas.
Okay, please practice your sheet music
on your pianos at home. Okay?
What if you don't have a piano?
Thomas, stop it.
I'm just asking what Jaylin's supposed to do,
since his family is too poor to buy one.
That's enough!
Please, be kind.
I will see you all next week.
- Dad! - Come on.
Oh. Mr. McDonald!
Um, have you made any progress in getting Jaylin a piano?
- So he could practice? - Absolutely.
Oh, great!
Yup!
Well, kind of.
I'll figure something out.
You know, you've been saying that for six months.
Jaylin is starting to fall behind.
Our lessons are advancing,
and I'm afraid he's gonna have to
drop the class until he gets one.
Dad, no! I can't quit piano.
Look, if it's about the money...
Ain't about the money, girl.
What you talking about, girl? We balling around here.
Drip-drop, make it rain everywhere. Precipitation.
That's right, that's right.
But what if it is about the money?
I'm sure there's some music stores
that can extend you credit.
Ain't nobody gonna extend me no damn credit.
- Credit! - Crazy!
I just want Jaylin to be able
to better participate in class.
He just has a lot of potential.
I agree.
I don't mean to sound harsh here
but I just would hate if your life circumstances
would stand in his way.
What?
Lady...
I do for my son.
You feel me?
Oh. No, no, I'm sorry. I know you can.
- I'm just trying to help. - Oh, you're trying to help.
Uh, well, you need to help them bangs
in the front of your face. That's what you need to do.
- What's wrong with my bang? - What's wrong with your bang?
It looks like a French horn.
Looking like a broke-ass Rosie Perez.
Okay.
Looking like a Puerto Rican version
of Janelle Monae.
Man, fuck Zena, and fuck that punk-ass job.
I wasn't gonna blow up working at no grocery store.
Now I got more time to devote to my comedy. Yes!
Okay. Dre, this shit is about to crack for the both of us.
I want you to see this.
I just submitted your audition tape
and Instagram videos to this showcase.
Boom. Come on!
Good shit, my G.
It is your time, man.
I got a feeling about this, Dre!
You gonna win this thing, man. You hear me?
You are going to win this and when you do,
you gonna go on tour.
Then your stand-up, that's gonna lead to acting.
Then we gonna parlay that into an action movie career.
I'mma represent you,
and then I'mma open up a big-ass management firm.
Guess who I'm gonna sign?
Sarah Silverman. Make her have my little black baby.
Boom.
Dre, you are exactly what they're looking for.
You exactly what I'm looking for, too.
- Hey! - Oh, hey!
Oh, wow! Okay.
Look at this. This right here, you know what this is?
This is black love. I love that.
Feel like I shouldn't even be here. Goddamn.
You shouldn't.
You just gonna do me like that?
Eddie just submitted me for this
Laugh Out Loud comedy showcase.
So, uh, they're looking for the next big thing...
and it's me.
Shit, it better be you.
You know you ain't got no job.
What?
- What is he talking about? - Oh, shit!
Huh?
That's on me. That is my bad.
- You lost your job? - I'm sorry, dawg.
Yeah, but look, babe. Come on, you know me, babe.
I'll figure something out. It's all good.
Listen, that job was for suckers anyway.
I need to be focused on my comedy,
building all my numbers on the socials.
We need rent money, okay?
And followers don't pay! You sound crazy.
Sometimes, they do. Not to cut you off.
But you just gotta get brand sponsorship.
Like the Kardashians, right?
- They make six... - Okay!
But does he have a brand sponsorship?
Mmm, no, he does not.
Because you didn't get him one.
You been managing him for what?
- Three years now? - Like two and a half.
And you really ain't did shit.
But then again, why would you be able to get
his career cracking when you...
Whoa, wait, don't say anything that you can't take back, Sky.
...live with your mama!
Oh, shit. You just went there.
- Yeah. - You just went there
- like that, huh? - Yeah.
You said you would never bring that up, Sky.
I lied.
Sky, listen, stop tripping.
I'll figure something out.
A few months ago, you figured out you were gonna make money
by putting ads on your website.
- Yup. - Did that pay?
Yes, it did.
Google AdSense is a great way
to monetize your online content.
So, yeah.
How much did you make?
- Uh... In the last 30 days? - Sure.
If you carry over the one,
carry over the twos, 30 days...
That's gonna be, for the April...
- How much, Dre? - Okay, up to...
Six dollars.
And a little extra. Babe, babe, it's all good.
I can't keep doing this.
I work hard and I hold us down.
But you, you just do whatever you want.
I'm not doing whatever I want.
I'm following my dreams.
You have a family.
No job, no money, and you rent a house.
At a certain point, following your dreams
is irresponsible, Dre.
And I have to be honest...
I'm tired.
- Ooh. - Sky.
Now, maybe, just maybe,
when she says she's tired,
she means it in a different way.
Nope.
You got a big fucking mouth, Eddie.
I know. It just slipped out 'cause I was...
Hey, you up last, baby.
I bet.
- Can I ask you a question? - What's up?
Why you always writing in this?
Like, what is this book?
I'm journaling, fool.
- You're journaling? - Yeah!
- You're journaling? - It helps me process
what I feel about life.
My shit is so fucked up right now,
I need to channel it somewhere.
So until I can pay an uptight white lady
to listen to my problems,
I'mma put it all down right here.
Okay.
You should try it.
Me? I should try journaling?
Yeah, everybody has something they need to work out.
Get the fuck out! I ain't got shit I need to work out.
You wanna know why?
I keep all my shit up top, Dre.
I let everybody know how I feel.
- Uh-huh. - Everybody.
Except maybe my daddy.
'Cause I never really could talk to the man.
And you know what's funny?
No matter how curious I was to learn things about him,
he was never comfortable sharing with me.
So, then I'm like, "What is it about me?"
Like I said.
Fuck you.
This cop has never seen shit like this.
Not a .08, not a .10.
Ladies and gentlemen, I blew a 3.7!
That's a goddamn GPA.
You understand that?
I got a DUI and a scholarship!
I'm killing in this bitch!
Y'all ready to get this show rolling?
Last up for the night...
Dre, just get up here.
Yeah!
Go kill it. Go do you.
- I will, I will. I got you. - Kill it, baby.
Listen, it's 1:00 a.m.
It's tomorrow.
- Get this shit over with. - Yeah.
What up?
Get 'em, Dre!
Give it up for the ladies.
You know what I'm saying?
That's... Yeah!
You know what's crazy? You know what would be crazy?
Fucking Jay-Z at a motherfucking McDonald's.
That shit would be crazy as shit.
Hey, yo, can I please get an apple pie?
Yeah.
I want an apple pie and a large fry.
Yeah.
Shyeah.
I love Oreos, yeah.
It's a flurry.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Dad?
Go back to sleep, buddy.
What is that?
A piano?
Yeah.
Well, you know, it's not the real thing.
Duh, Dad. It says Charmin on the side.
This is so dope.
Look, it's temporary, you know.
I know you've been falling behind in class
'cause you haven't been able to practice.
I figure at least you can practice
finger positioning and building chords.
This is perfect.
Hey. Hey.
Don't get used to it, all right?
All right.
Look, I'mma get you something dope.
Believe that.
- I just gotta... - I know.
Figure something out.
I say that a lot, don't I?
- Yeah. - Okay.
Well, I mean it.
- All right now? - All right.
You're gonna be like a little Mozart,
a little Amadeus.
That's what they gonna call you.
Get excited, all right?
- Game time. Say "Game time!" - Game time.
- Game time.
That's right. Stick your chest out!
Stick your chest out like this.
- Game time. - There you go! There you go!
All right.
Morning, family!
What up, boy?
You good, baby?
I'm fine.
Good. Me, too.
Ooh, we got pancakes, huh?
Special occasion?
Well, my little guy here's been working so hard in school.
And when people work hard, they deserve pancakes.
So cute!
Great!
Can I have a pancake?
There's none left.
But there's a stack right...
These are mine.
You know, uh...
I'm starting to feel like you just made pancakes
to make it a point to not give me pancakes.
Is that what's happening?
Got a lot of malice in your walk there.
Boy...
if I don't teach you anything else, you just remember...
when a woman says she's fine, don't believe it.
All right. What'd you do?
Come on, Jaylin, so I can get you to school,
before I go to work at the job that I have.
Looks like it has something to do with the job.
What? Just get your book bag.
All right. Just saying.
Enjoy.
You ain't even gonna crack it though?
So, while I'm at my occupation...
what will you be doing all day?
Oh, well, writing jokes.
Oh, I got this new idea for a comedy video,
so I'mma go ahead and produce that.
So, you just gonna be sitting at home,
writing jokes...
doing comedy all day?
That's nice. That's good.
- Sky, why you gotta... - Dre, Dre, Dre!
You got into the LOL showcase.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. Just slow down. Get it out.
You got into the LOL showcase.
What?
Hey, hey, takeoff, I can't understand what you're saying.
I said, Dre, you got into the Laugh Out Loud showcase.
- What? - Yes!
I'm going to LA?
Well, we going to LA, man. All expenses paid!
Air, hotel, rental car.
And I ain't talking about, like, the little economy.
I'm talking about the SUV, minivan, 4x4 category...
'cause they classy, Dre!
The seat's first class? They gonna recline
all the way back like this here?
Recline, dawg, like that!
Baby!
That's great.
Just lost my appetite, but that's great.
Hold on. Hey.
Ooh, pancakes!
Sky, why you hating?
I'm not. I'm happy for you.
Well, it doesn't seem like it.
Dre.
You always do some big audition
or get props on social media
and think it' your big break.
We get all worked up thinking it's gonna change our lives
and then nothing.
But it's different this time. It's Cali.
- Cali, Sky. Cali. - Maybe.
Or maybe the time spent there chasing your dreams
is better off spent here chasing a paycheck.
So what am I supposed to do? I'm supposed to just stay here
and be a regular-ass guy with a regular-ass job?
Not regular.
Reliable.
- See you tonight. - Sky.
- Come on, Jaylin. - Baby.
I'm proud of you, Dad.
Thanks, bud.
I can't go.
Bullshit! You gotta go.
- I can't, man. - You gotta go, Dre.
No, no, no. I'm on thin ice with her right now, man.
- I can't leave. - I get it, man.
You are afraid that somebody
gonna hit that while you gone.
Because, yes, tired women,
they are very vulnerable to random dick. This is true.
Well, I wasn't thinking about that,
but thanks for putting it in my head.
Dre, you know why you gotta go?
Because if you don't,
you will resent Sky for holding you back.
Next thing you know, you a old-ass man,
a janitor at a fucking elementary school,
doing jokes for kids.
Or worse.
Or worse, I could be security at the rec center.
Oh, my God! Dre, that's even...
Oh, my God! I'd be talking about some...
Putting the basketballs away.
Put the basketballs away!
And for what? We ain't gonna do nothing but take
the balls back out and play ball with them.
- That's right. - It's fucking bullshit!
It will be bad for me.
Hey, you know what?
And Sky wouldn't want me to live being unhappy.
Come on, you are saving her
from a lifetime with a bitter man
who blames her for his failures.
I can't let her live like that.
Hell no, you can't.
You gotta do what the fuck you wanna do for her.
You know what? Forget it!
- We going to Cali! - Hell yeah, we going to Cali!
- We going to Cali! We going! - We going to LA, baby!
- We going to the west side! - We going to the west side!
The west side is the best side, motherfucker!
Yes! Maybe we'll tone down some of that. You know what I'm saying?
'Cause we don't wanna scare 'em when we get on the plane
with the Tupac, right?
- Give me that goddamn pancake. - Just gonna take the pancake?
Here, you take this right here. Yes.
- Give me the fucking egg? - Yes!
Oh! God!
Well, this is it.
Wish me luck.
Go win, Dad!
Yeah. Oh!
Got you something.
What's this?
That's my half of the rent.
You know, plus a little more.
Thanks.
Sky, come on.
I gotta do this.
I wouldn't be the man you love if I stayed.
I don't know if the man I love would leave.
It's Cali, bitch!
We in Cali, bitch!
Whoo!
What's up? You feel me?
We in there, baby. Hold on.
Can I get in there?
Boom! Kill it!
What up, Sky?
Fuck we at?
Man, don't cuss, man! It's my mama!
- Oh, my bad! - This is my mama.
Welcome to the hotel, sir.
- Oh, okay! You know what? - God dang!
We ain't even gonna trip. We ain't even out here for that.
- Hello. How you doing? - Hi. Good.
Checking in.
Name on the reservation, please.
Sure, it's Deandre McDonald.
My boy.
It's not showing your name in our system.
Really?
That's so weird. It's totally in there.
Why don't you just check again for me, okay?
Thank you.
Dre, you know what I hope?
I hope there's a spa credit, man.
I want a massage.
I never had a real massage, man.
- Yeah. - I wanna get a Swedish...
I'm sorry, it's not in our computer.
Maybe your reservation's at another hotel.
Why would the reservation be at another hotel?
Oh...
- Okay, I see what's going on. - Ed, I...
No, I see what's going on. It's all good.
I'm sorry, I don't understand.
Yeah, this right here, this is, like, classic racial discrimination.
Hey, hey, hey! Hold on, man!
You see me and my boy. Hold on, I got this.
You see me and my boy come in here.
We got a little melanin in our skin.
Now, all of a sudden, y'all wanna lose...
Hi. Reservation for Carl Johnson.
Welcome back, Mr. Johnson.
Yes, I have your room right here
and it's a pleasure having you stay with us.
Thank you.
But he's mixed.
Are you mixed? Excuse me, are you mixed?
Sir? A little?
A quarter Cherokee or something?
Mixed at all? No? Really?
He's mixed. He's totally mixed. What?
He's black as shit. Come on.
Come here. I need to talk to you.
Can you give me just one second? Thank you. I appreciate it.
What?
I'm trying to work this out.
Yeah, but we don't have a reservation.
- Who don't have a reservation? - We don't!
- Yes, we do! - No, we don't!
Why don't we have a reservation, Dre?
- 'Cause I sold it. - You sold...
Shh!
Sorry, just real quick.
Why would you sell our reservation?
- For rent money, man. - Okay.
Okay. Okay. So this isn't racial discrimination?
No, no, no. It ain't racial discrimination.
This is just a total fuck-up. We ain't even staying here.
Okay, all right.
Hey!
Um...
- You having a good day? - Great.
Great. Good, good. What's your name?
- Tiffany. - Tiffany!
Um, here's the thing, Tiffany.
As a black man in America,
I tend to experience racial discrimination
at, say, a higher rate than, say,
someone like you. You know what I mean?
You got your blue eyes, you got your blonde hair.
When's the last time you was, like, discriminated against?
Besides right now?
You think I'm discriminating?
God!
Dre, you had so many opportunities to tell me!
You could've told me at the airport.
You could've told me on the plane.
You could've told me when I was planning
my little bubble bath and Jacuzzi!
Hey, I'm sorry!
Where we gonna stay, Dre? Hmm?
Man, look. I don't know, man.
I gave the rest of the money to Sky.
Well, I spent all my money on these Jordans.
Don't look at me like that, Dre.
How am I gonna pull a fancy client wearing some ASICS?
I can't wear no ASICS!
That's when you go online, and you go to one of those Chinese online things,
and you get yourself some knockoff Jordans!
- You know what I'm saying? - No, I don't.
With one of the little fat niggas on the side like this.
That's what you get.
Don't make me laugh right now.
- But you wanna laugh though. - No, I wanna sleep right now.
I wanna get a massage right now. That's what I wanna do.
But that's hilarious.
- That's so funny. - Ah, uh, ah!
You smiling, you smiling!
No, no, no. Don't dap me.
This is not a dap moment, at all.
Technically, all we need is a roof over our heads.
Dre, you gonna make me live in a car?
It's free.
"It's free! It's free, man!"
Marq, you ain't gonna believe this.
Deandre McDonald is out here
for that Laugh Out Loud showcase.
And who is Deandre McDonald?
Nobody.
Nah, he's the influencer that made that video
dissing you and The Secret Service Man.
Uncle Nico, I'm just trying to remind him...
about the dude that was talking shit about his movies.
You remember.
He said they was trash, they was ass.
I was watching it this morning.
What's your email? I'mma send it to you.
Let me send it to you.
Jethro, get your ratchet away from my feathers.
These are real feathers.
And why is your name Jethro, anyway?
You're not a slave.
It was my granddaddy name.
He was gonna give it to my uncle,
but he gave it to my auntie, and then she...
Y'all want something from craft service?
We want you to get out of here.
I'mma get him some sunflower seeds since he a bird.
Like I give a fuck about
what some internet motherfucker say about me!
Sitting back there, judging.
How many views he got on that Secret Service Man thing anyway?
Like barely any.
Mmm-hmm.
That's what I thought. How many?
Like one...
million...
two hundred and forty...
and five...
thousand.
That's a lot.
- Is it? - Mmm-hmm.
Really?
Look, I don't care about him.
I'm sure my fans don't care about him.
They don't. They never have.
He does a good impression of you, though.
Does he really?
Good. I'mma do a good impression of him. Here it goes.
Deandre McDonald.
See that?
Wasn't shit. 'Cause he ain't shit.
He's a nobody.
Can't do an impression of him.
You do an almost impression.
That was almost him right there.
There he almost go again.
Nothing after nothing.
Do it one more time.
There he is again. You see him?
Wish I could make a living doing Deandre McDonald.
Again!
He's a weak-ass...
- fake-ass wannabe comedian. - Yes, sir.
- And I'm the real thing. - Yes, you are.
Original.
You understand the words coming out of my beak?
Deandre McDonald is nothing.
Ghetto bird.
Ain't got no time to be worried about him.
He'll never be the big bird on the block, ya underdig me?
- Never. - Never.
They say black people don't snitch. Shit, I snitched!
I've been a snitch since I've been 12 years old.
I remember my mother came home from work one day...
and she told me and my brother and my sister,
"I'mma whoop everybody ass in here
"till somebody tell me who broke my lamp!"
I looked her straight in her face,
"Then no need to hit me.
"Matter of fact, grab that belt and meet me in the kitchen."
I go, "Shit, I'm about to tell you!
"You gonna cook me something to eat!"
Are y'all ready to continue this show?
Welcome to the Laugh Out Loud Comedy Showcase.
One of these comedians tonight will win
the opportunity to tour around the world.
I'm Franklin, your MC for tonight,
and we got some comedians
that's gonna come out here and make you laugh.
So, start putting your hands together right now!
Give it up for Miss Ebony!
Hey! What's up, y'all?
Yeah, please vote for me
so I don't wind up on this pole.
You can tell when a friend don't have your back
when they start asking you stuff like,
"Um, you wanna take a shot?"
You be like, "A shot of what?"
He like, "Patron and Hennessy."
"Together?"
"I ain't drinking no Patrennessy!"
Mr. LaMont Keish!
One of my best friends growing up
was this white boy named Bobby Jack.
His dad would say some borderline racist shit like,
"Don't you have Bobby Jack out too late...
"or you're gonna have to hang by yourself!"
Y'all weren't expecting a black woman
to come up here named Montana.
First thing I get when I win is
I'm changing my name to Keisha.
There's always that one girl to save your ass like,
"Look like your friend about to throw up.
"Y'all need to get him outside."
You know when gangbangers get mad?
They get like them John McCain arms. You know what I mean?
Come on!
Are y'all ready to continue this show?
I said, are y'all ready to continue this show?
Our last contestant is from Birmingham, Alabama.
You might recognize him from all the crazy, crazy posts
he has on the internet.
We need a lot of energy and we want y'all to have time.
You're up. You got five minutes.
Go a second over, you're disqualified.
Okay, cool. Thank you.
All right. You ready, baby?
Huh?
Boom! Kill it!
- Let's go. You ready? - I'm ready.
Deandre McDonald!
Let's go!
What up?
What's going on, peoples?
I'm from Birmingham, Alabama.
- Uh, anybody been there? - No.
- Anybody from there? - No.
Good. 'Cause it sucks!
Like that shit suck bad, and it's racist, too.
Birmingham, Alabama, is racist as shit.
Like, white dude, right now.
When you come down there your voice will probably be the GPS
that say this shit right here. "Nigga, you moved the wrong fucking way."
That's the fuck what would happen.
Eddie Murphy would be a dope-ass GPS motherfucker.
Hey, hey, motherfucker, wait, wait, wait! One second.
So your ass was supposed to go south.
You were supposed to go south. Your ass went north,
and now you sittin' here looking stupid as a motherfucker.
You were supposed to go to Texas.
You supposed to go to Texas.
You were supposed to be in Texas, motherfucker!
But now you can't go to Texas. You know why?
'Cause your ass is at a different place.
You at a different motherfucking place.
You at different motherfucking place!
If you had listened,
you would've been in the right place!
But now, you stuck.
I'm Deandre McDonald.
That's been my time. Thank you all so much.
All right!
Give it up for Deandre!
So, can I have the following contestants please step forward?
Ebony!
That's right, y'all! That's right!
Thank you! Thank you! I love y'all!
DeJuan Bickerstaff!
Whoo! I told you! I told you! I told you!
You were right! You were right!
- I'm a winner! I'm a winner! - He's a winner!
LaMont Keish!
Paul Wilds!
And last but not least...
Montana Prestley!
Hold on, one second.
Actually, um...
I'm sorry, uh, Ebony.
Uh, you went over your time, so, unfortunately...
you're disqualified.
What are you talking about? I didn't go over my time!
I was on time! What are you talking about?
You did, by 27 seconds.
The fuck are you talking about, 27 seconds?
Whose fucking clock were you using back there?
I am on time! I'm always on time! I never go over!
Matter of fact, doctor told me to push my baby out on three,
I pushed it out on three, bitch!
Yeah. What?
I protest it.
Colin Kaepernick up in this bitch!
That's right! Take a knee, motherfuckers!
Take a knee!
I deserve to be up in here! Everybody know it!
- Thank you. All right. - Yeah! Thank you!
- Thank you so much. - One more thing.
One more thing, one more thing!
No, it's okay.
Follow me on Twitter, Ebonyforreallaughs.
Thank you.
So, listen, that being said...
Uh, Deandre McDonald, please step forward.
That was close.
I gotta tighten up my set, come up with some new shit.
Man, you gonna be all right. We got a couple days
till the next two rounds, man.
We gonna get you straight, baby!
Another round of Cuervo for the finalist?
Actually, the semi-finalist, thank you very...
Oh, my, my, my, my, my!
Okay, yeah.
Let me look at you, sweetheart.
You got your microwavable black pants on,
that's what you got.
Oh, you got that Zara shirt on. That's dope.
Are you Creole? You look Creole. You Creole?
I love Creole food.
- Is he always like this? - Yes.
Uh, yeah, when he drinking Cuervo.
So you checked out my set?
- Mmm. Not just you... - Uh-huh.
...but I peeped it. You weren't bad.
Mmm-hmm.
You weren't good enough to get through
without somebody else getting disqualified.
- Oh, shit! - Ooh! Damn!
- You're throwing shade like... - Mmm. Mmm.
Yeah, go ahead and kick a brother
while he's down. Yeah, sure.
Are you down?
No.
Yes?
Wait, what do you mean?
Wait, wait, wait! Don't go! I am! I think.
Wait, what do you mean?
Oh. Wait a minute.
I just got tagged in this post on Facebook.
Like I give a fuck
about what some internet motherfucker say about me!
Is he talking about you?
- Deandre McDonald is nothing. - Ooh.
Okay. I'mma take that as a yes.
He's a weak-ass wannabe comedian.
He'll never be the big bird in the flock.
Yeah, this is great.
- That's great? - Mmm-hmm.
What's so great about the biggest comedy star
in the world being mad at you?
Because the biggest comedy star
in the world is talking about me.
Oh, I see what you saying.
- Yeah. - Congratulations!
- Are you about to... - Yup!
- You about to drop some fire? - Hell yeah. Let's do it.
Drop some fire, dawg.
Hey, yo, what up, y'all? Real quick.
Did y'all see that video
where Marques Black was talking shit about me?
We all saw the crow suit.
Bruh, let me tell you, really?
You comfortable with that as an actor?
Playing a crow? Really?
My black ass can play a crow. You know why?
Because I'm broke as shit
and I'll do anything for money.
But I wouldn't let you play a crow.
Yeah, exactly.
I wouldn't let you play a crow.
You wouldn't. Dude, you could've been a peacock.
Could've been.
- Could've been a flamingo. - Yeah.
- Could've been a rooster. - All day.
Some shit like that. Bruh?
Real talk, man. Look, look, look.
Have some self-respect.
I could imagine he was just sitting there
before his decision, right?
Hmm...
Should I play a racist,
jive-time walking, jive-time talking fucking crow,
whose name happens to be Jim Crow
and lives up in a tree?
Which is not a euphemism for lynching at all.
Nah, I ain't mad at you, Marques.
I'm mad at your whole team. You know what I'm saying?
You need to fire everybody in your corner.
Uh, thanks for the shout-out, boo!
Smooches!
Oh, shit!
Wait a minute now.
You know you gotta post that, right?
- We got to. - Got to. Good shit.
That video, I got over 25,000 views!
Why the fuck are you hitting me so hard?
Don't hit me that hard.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, wait, wait, wait! What, you, uh, out?
Yeah, I have a show to host.
Oh. What kind of show?
Comedy.
What?
I just figured, when we were talking about
the showcase, you would've mentioned it.
Well, I don't mention a lot of shit.
Especially to guys I don't know.
Well, you know me now.
Uh, no. Sorry,
I didn't mean to bump you. You don't know her.
You just met her.
And then y'all talked for two minutes,
and now you outside, stalking her
in front of the club in the heart of darkness
asking for her resume.
Dawg, you are the definition of "stranger danger."
She shouldn't tell you shit.
- He's not wrong. - Hey, tell all your friends.
Can you please tell all your friends?
Word?
- Thank you. - You defending him?
You know what? I...
I just had someone cancel on me tonight.
So I have an open slot
if you wanna work out some material.
I'll take whatever you give me.
Cool.
- Comedy Basement, 10:00 p.m. - All right.
10:00 p.m. See you later.
I'll take whatever you can give me.
You sexy as hell! How you doing, girl? You can get it!
You come out of a clinic crying,
I'll still pick you up.
I'll be in the car,
"That doctor don't know everything!"
I can't remember none of my passwords.
I changed all my passwords to "incorrect."
I push any key, "Your password incorrect."
Thank you.
I gotta get out of here. I love y'all!
Wow.
All right, all right! You guys having a good time?
Doing good?
Okay.
So, let's keep the party going.
This next guy is new to town...
and is a semi-finalist
in the Laugh Out Loud Comedy Showcase.
Give it up for Deandre McDonald!
Taylor Jones. Give it up for her one more time.
Ah, shit.
I am so happy to be here, man.
I'm from, you know, from, I'm from Birmingham, Alabama.
Small town, you know?
Anybody from there?
I am. What about it?
Oh.
Cool, that's...
You needed audience to say, "No, we not from there,"
so you can tell us all about it?
Yeah, man.
You got me.
Great.
Uh, well, if you're not from Birmingham, Alabama...
consider yourself lucky...
- 'cause I'm gonna tell you... - 'Cause it sucks, right?
It's gotta suck.
It's not funny if it doesn't suck, folks.
Uh...
Yeah, man, it sucks. It's terrible.
It's bad.
Not bad and boujee.
The shit just bad.
So you ever notice
that your girl's kind of a hypocrite?
- Yeah. - You know what I'm saying?
Thank you.
Thank you, Snoop Khalifa. I appreciate that.
Think about that. She is though!
She can get naked in front of her friends.
- But as soon as I try... - Soon as you do it,
it's a whole different story, right? That's the punch line?
That was the punch line. He is good!
Yeah.
All right.
Give it up for him trying to be a comedian here tonight.
He did a good job,
except for the part where he let a real comedian
come up and stop him in the middle of his own show.
But let me tell them what they missing.
Oh. Y'all was gonna love it!
It is the best hack shit you ever heard!
So he's gonna tell us all about relationships
and how hard those are. Right?
Then he's gonna segue into differences
between black people and white people.
Weren't you?
- Yeah. - Yup, yup.
Then talk about rap music so you could do
your little lazy Jay-Z impression?
There it is. That's the one I was talking about, yup.
You was gonna talk about politics,
so you could do Obama, right?
I was gonna do Trump, actually.
Obama is out and Trump is in. How progressive of you.
He was gonna do Tracy Morgan and Chris Rock.
Were they what you gonna do?
I was gonna do Mike Epps. That's what I was gonna do.
- Yeah, of course you were. - But you know what, man?
But Mike Epps is probably doing Mike Epps.
Why don't you do you?
Do your shit. Talk about your life.
But you can't,
'cause you practiced this shit on YouTube!
- Yeah? - Yeah.
I get them views though.
He get them views though.
Yeah.
Let me ask you a question.
If a dog took a shit in the middle of this room,
wouldn't everybody view it?
That's your whole career, my dude.
We look at you
when we waiting in line, or we waiting on a Uber.
That's when you get a view.
When we taking a shit,
we view the shit,
then we view you.
Two views.
That's why it's called number two.
You see how it's a real joke crafted by a real comedian?
That's the difference there. That's the difference.
I'm not viewed. I'm an experience.
I'm here. I'm here.
That's places you'll never get to
with this weak-ass shit you serving
at the Comedy Basement this evening.
Anyway, folks, I'm sorry for bringing the mood down.
Drinks on me. Please enjoy the rest of your night.
Thank you for coming. God bless you. Good night.
It's still hot. You might wanna use this one.
How much money you think it was?
I think it was at least a G, maybe 1500, right?
He just threw the money on the fucking stage like it wasn't nothing.
Dre, did you see it? Of course you saw.
You was right there. He threw the fucking money in your face.
That's how I wanna be. I wanna be like Marques Black.
Hey, Benedict Arnold. Huh? Fuck Marques Black! Okay?
Oh, come on, man. Don't hate.
Don't hate 'cause he got money.
He wasn't wrong!
Y'all YouTubers don't appreciate
how much of an art stand-up is.
You wanna win this showcase,
you better step it up 'cause it's not a game out here.
Tell you what ain't a game.
The fact that you cannot get food in LA after 10:00 p.m.
That's how y'all stay so fucking skinny.
You don't have access to food late at night!
Maybe you better eat some sleep!
I'mma have to. Shit!
I ain't got no damn money. We broke, both of us!
- Here. - Together!
Take this. For tonight.
Wait, wait, wait. No, no, no.
No, thank you. I can't accept money for doing shows,
while I'm doing the showcase.
- Are you serious? - It's not for your show.
Actually, you owe me money for that bullshit,
so, come on, it's just a few bucks for some food.
What type of Lady and the Tramp cash grabbing...
- Let go! She's doing us a favor, man! - What the hell?
God damn!
You weren't lying, boy. It's just a few bucks.
But you know what? Beggars can't be choosers.
I'll give you 10. I'll keep 10.
Thank you, Taylor. I appreciate this.
Hey, yo, wait up!
Come on!
What up, buddy?
Thomas in piano is still messing with me.
What happened this time?
All I did was take the piano you made me
to class so I could show Miss Ellen.
Oh, Jaylin, you took the cardboard piano to class?
Yeah.
Buddy, that's an at home piano.
We don't show that to anybody.
Well, I think it's cool,
but they just kept on laughing at it,
saying that we can't afford a real piano.
That's 'cause it's not cool, Jaylin.
Didn't I tell you I was gonna get you a dope set of keys one day?
Yeah.
Then believe that.
Just keep the cardboard piano at home from now on.
- Okay? - All right.
Now where's your mom?
She's right here, reading her nurse book.
Go upstairs, baby.
What?
What up with you?
Nothing.
You pay the rent okay?
Yup.
Oh. I've been calling you.
So?
I made it to the second round
of the showcase.
Cool.
Oh, I get it. Yeah.
So we in the one word part of the fight, huh?
- Fuck you. - Ha!
Two words! That's progress.
I can see you smiling!
Bye, Deandre. Bye.
You so chocolatey mocha...
Shit!
License and registration.
Morning.
Uh, morning, Officer.
You do realize you're in a tow-away zone?
Oh, damn it! Well, uh...
Well, can I park over there?
Not if you're gonna fall asleep again.
Wait, are those braces?
What are you, a dental hygienist?
Ain't you a little too old to have braces?
You're not too old to get shot.
Okay, turning the car on
and getting the fuck out of here.
Not only did the superstar rant about
the Instagram comedian,
he heckled him at the poor kid's amateur comedy show.
This is all in How to Be a Comedian 101.
He just began studying this, as y'all can tell.
Yeah.
With the pressure of his last few box office bombs
insiders suspect that Black is feeling threatened
by the comedy newcomer.
I don't feel threatened by shit.
Hmm. That's good.
If that was me, if somebody was trying to replace me...
I'd be scared.
I'd be writing my will right now.
'Cause if you play it back, right?
- Jethro. - If you look
- at what he said... - Jethro.
If you wanna keep coming to work with me...
shut the fuck up.
Sorry, Uncle Nico.
Shut the fuck up.
And what box office bombs? I make hits.
Actually, your last few movies,
they ain't even on demand. Look.
If we go look for 'em...
Jethro...
I will have my dogs eat you alive,
if you don't shut the fuck up.
Marq, look, man.
You can't keep listening to them people, all right?
'Cause they gonna make a story about anything.
Another story gonna come in the news
and it's gonna knock this right out,
and ain't nobody gonna be worried about this shit.
- Don't even worry about that. - All right.
I would expect that from you, Nico.
My man.
'Cause this your fault.
How's it my fault?
You got me in a situation
where I can't trust nobody, Nico!
What have you managed to do but surround me
by motherfuckers I don't even fucking know?
I don't know her!
I don't know none of these niggas!
Right now, in my very own house,
I could be talking
while a nigga's filming me in my mouth!
Ain't nobody filming you, Marq. Relax!
What you talking about?
Damn phone off!
Sorry.
This is a game to everybody but me and Nico.
I need you to fix this shit.
What am I supposed to do about that?
All right, well, you the manager.
Manage this shit!
Uncle Nico.
You think his dogs really be eating people?
That motherfucker almost bit me when I came in.
I'mma shoot you.
I'mma shoot you in the face.
You gonna shoot me?
I'mma shoot you in the face.
Wow.
Dudes be thirsty in Birmingham.
Uh, don't flatter yourself, okay?
I'm working on my jokes.
Oh, so there wasn't another bar in all of Los Angeles?
I guess if you did that,
you couldn't see my pretty face.
Who said you were pretty?
That look on your face.
Busted.
Well, I'm glad you're here.
Well, sorry, country boy. I don't have time to play.
I got work to do 'cause these jokes don't write themselves.
Hey, wait, wait, wait.
You write jokes?
Yeah.
I write, act, tell jokes.
I'm a one-stop shop.
Oh. Dope.
Just dope.
Uh, any help with your material?
You know, I give good notes, you know?
I am also known for my excellent timing
and sardonic wit.
Sardonic wit? Girl, that's a sex word.
If you don't get out of here, in the words of Eddie Murphy.
Girl, you better go ahead
and get out of here before something happens.
You know what I'm saying?
Listen, once you unload Pandora's box,
once you open Pandora's box, you can't close it.
That's right. Once you unleash the kraken,
it's gonna be crackin'!
Now, go ahead and get up out of here.
No, stay. Now, go.
Now, stay, go. Stay, go.
I dated a bisexual chick.
Couldn't trust her ass around nobody.
- Like that? - No.
Ah! Yeah, my perky tits.
This has been a rough year, people. Hasn't it?
I can't believe we have allowed this to happen,
as a country.
As a black man, I can't believe it.
As an American citizen, I can't believe this shit.
I feel like it's ridiculous.
I can't believe the Verizon man switched to Sprint.
I never thought that shit was gonna happen.
It's a bad time to be a creep.
You cannot be a creep anymore.
That goes for you, guy, right here.
You can't be a creep.
You can't be a creep anymore, man.
They getting everybody.
- Yo! - Is this a diary?
No, it's not a diary. I don't have a diary, okay?
Got a journal.
What y'all talkin' about? How Dre got a diary?
- Mmm-hmm. - Shut up, fool.
What? No, it's just where he complain about shit.
Okay, wait.
You made your son a piano out of cardboard?
Yes, I did.
I didn't have money to get him a real one
and he had to practice.
Okay, this shit is hilarious!
Glad you find my failures as a man funny...
- sweetheart. - Honestly,
that stuff is funnier than anything
you've said on that stage.
You should be using it.
Come on, you heard Marques the other night.
Tell your truth
and make it funny.
Nobody's gonna care about me being a shitty dad.
Yeah, except everyone in the audience
that also feels like a shitty dad.
Bruh, let me tell you, really?
You comfortable with that as an actor?
Am I gonna play a racist crow
whose name is actually Jim Crow
who lives in a tree,
which is not a euphemism for lynching at all.
What should I do?
Hey, let's get it, let's get it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where you going?
I thought you said we was going to Taylor's.
No, no, no. We ain't gonna do shit.
See, I'm gonna go hang out with Taylor.
- Really? - Yeah.
Dre, you don't even know this girl, man. Okay?
She could be a temptress.
I could be leaving you alone
in the clutches of a temptress.
When you make bad decisions,
it tends to reflect poorly on me.
Oh, it's not gonna reflect poorly on you, my brother.
Now, if you'll excuse me, my best friend, my brother.
Appreciate it. Yeah.
Hope it's worth it.
Shit!
Expecting a call?
Huh? What?
- Nah, baby, I'm here with you. - Mmm.
I know that, and you know that.
But does she know that?
- Yeah, I peeped your socials. - Mmm.
Who is Sky?
It's complicated.
Mmm.
Works for me.
Dre, you gotta take me to the hospital!
What?
Nigga!
You gotta take me to the hospital!
What? Why?
- Because I got cancer. - You have cancer?
- No, he got cancer. - I don't got cancer.
Wait. Do you have anything else?
- No. Do you? - No!
You know what? Y'all don't sound sure
so why don't we all get tested
before the fun stuff and then we'll save
this visit for another day.
- Wait, no, no! - We gotta go.
Let go, let go. Go, go. Go, go.
Have a good night.
Cancer? That's the most realistic excuse?
Dawg, I'm sorry. It's all I could think of.
I just had to get you out of there.
- I was good. - Whatever, man.
All I know is that if you fuck this up with Sky,
you gonna find some way to blame me.
- Like you did with jorts. - Hey. Jean shorts are a thing.
Not for your legs.
Oh, come on. Don't talk about my legs.
- They're my mama legs. - All right.
I don't know. You could've interrupted
something real, bruh.
You know, I'm just saying, Taylor gets me.
We care about the same things.
And she's fine.
- She's funny. - And she's fine.
And everything is just so easy with her, man.
With Sky, it's just so difficult and complicated.
This might be the one chance I got
to be with somebody
who wants the same things as me.
And she's fine.
Fine enough to only see your son on the weekends?
- No. - Exactly.
But a lot of good things happen on the weekends.
Uh, Saturday morning cartoons. Football. Bottomless mimosas.
- Yeah. - What?
Yes, yes, y'all.
So good.
Go, baby, go.
Oh, yeah!
So, let me see if I got this right.
So, a black man shucking and jiving...
in a crow suit with gold chains
is absolutely hilarious to y'all?
Oh, come on. No one thinks that.
I mean, you're killing it.
What do y'all think then?
We think that you're a comedic genius
who can do whatever he wants.
I'm with you.
He can do whatever he wants.
I wanna quit.
Uh, well, uh, you have a contract.
Yeah, well, fuck the contract.
If the contract means I gotta do this...
I just can't do it.
Look, we didn't mean any disrespect.
Marques, look, you're taking a beating in the press.
Okay, we get it.
If you want us to handle this McDonald kid, we got it.
Josh, I told you not to mention that.
What y'all gonna do anyway?
Rough him up in the alley or somethin'?
Just get the fuck outta here. Now.
- Okay. - We're sorry.
And we're going to leave right now.
That way. That way.
Back on my phone.
So, let me get this straight.
We are walkin' away from a $20 million paycheck
because you're mad at a social media influencer?
Who does that? What are you doin'?
What are you doin', Marq? Yo.
We're not walkin' away.
I am.
Turn this shit off.
Look at this punk.
Jaylin, what happened?
I got into a fight. Cool, huh?
No. Come on, boy, you know you ain't supposed to be fighting.
Did you win?
I think so.
Oh, that's my boy. Yeah.
It was that kid from piano class, huh?
Yeah. I ain't no punk.
I know you ain't no punk, boy.
You got hands like your father.
They're Muhammad Ali hands. That's what they are.
You float like a butterfly,
sting like a bee.
You're the world's greatest. And you're pretty.
Your head got baby hair.
- It's nice. - You're grounded, boy.
Go brush your teeth. Fast.
Baby, don't be so hard on the boy.
I wouldn't have to be
if his daddy was here to do it for me.
Oh, so I'm a deadbeat dad now, huh?
You know that's not what I meant.
Sky, I'm out here taking care of my business.
Why can't you just help me do that?
You know what, Deandre?
If you're taking care of you, and I'm taking care of you...
who is taking care of me?
I will.
As soon as I win this showcase and get back.
Sky, come on. This isn't us.
You know I got your back. Why can't you just have mine?
Can you do that for me? Baby?
♪ Can you do that for me, baby? ♪
♪ Baby
Stop!
You know I don't like when you start singing.
Okay. Hey, is the boy gone?
Yeah.
Let me see your titty.
Just whip it out.
Show me a nipple or somethin'.
I need that. It's my life. They're nice and chocolatey.
Psych! Bye!
Boy crazy.
You believe this shit?
Me neither. I can't believe
the Verizon man switched to Sprint.
I never thought that shit was gonna happen.
- Boy is stupid. - I was like...
Who the hell? What?
What the hell?
I mean, if you into that kind of thing.
Look at this bitch one more time.
Oh, shit.
Oh, boy.
Never been so happy to see a bed in my life.
Right?
You sure we won't owe nobody?
Oh, I'm positive, Dre.
Pretty sure somebody let it slip
that we lost our hotel room somehow
and we been sleeping in our car.
Who you think let it slip?
Oh, it was me, Dre. I let it slip.
Of course.
No.
No, no, no, no.
What? What?
- No! No. - What?
- No. No. No. - What?
No, man. Taylor just tagged a pic of me on Facebook.
- And Sky saw it. - How you know she saw it?
Because, nigga, she just liked it.
Well, that means that she saw it
and she wants you to know she saw it.
Oh, shit.
Okay. It's fine. It's fine.
Ain't no problem. Ain't no problem. I'll just delete it.
It never happened. Her eyes are playing tricks on her.
So now you playing her and you think she's stupid?
Look, Dre. That's what she's gonna say to you.
Oh, look, she typin' somethin'.
On the picture?
Hilarious.
"Who is Taylor?"
Straight to the point. You gotta love her.
Okay, I gotta...
Okay, bye!
- Straight to voicemail. - Oh, shit.
Let me see.
All right. "Don't call me. Who is Taylor?"
Okay. Let's not panic.
Let's not panic. Take a deep breath.
Okay, okay.
You just gotta tell her who Taylor is, okay?
And Taylor is, uh... She's a stand-up comic.
You're right! Facts, facts, okay.
Type that, type that!
She's a comic.
What is she saying?
I don't know but she's saying somethin'.
The little message bubbles popping up.
- She's saying somethin'. - I can't stand
- the message bubbles. - Yeah, me neither.
I don't want nobody to know when I'm typing shit.
Invasion of privacy. I don't even like it.
Yeah. Right?
Are you...
"Are you fucking her?"
Because of me, you can answer that question honestly.
You're right. 'Cause I didn't.
You did not.
- I was good. Chastity belt, nigga! - Come on.
- Let her know. - Yeah. Okay.
No.
"So why she calling you
"a 'cutie at work' for no reason?"
Let me get that.
I don't know who she thinks I am.
Okay. So you're keeping it vague.
- Yeah. - That's nice, that's nice.
"Don't be vague with me."
Sky's smart as fuck though.
"What are you really doing out there?"
Because I'm trying to...
I'm out here trying to make moves.
Why can't you believe that?
She answering?
Well, nah, not yet.
But the bubbles are popping up again
for the messages, so, you know.
So, just gonna... Come on.
Mmm? Mmm?
What the fuck, man? Is she writing a novel?
What the fuck? I don't know, man.
But she better hurry up. My phone about to die.
God damn.
"If you say so"?
- And that's it? - Yeah.
But the message bubbles, they was...
Man, you know what? Fuck it, man.
Been blowing me off since I left the house.
I don't even know if we still together.
I ain't gonna worry about this. Ha!
Big dog.
Ain't gonna run my blood pressure up.
You know what? Nah, I need to go ahead and see.
Anticipation is gonna drive me insane!
I'm just gonna call her.
Okay? Deep breath.
Hi, baby.
So, maybe you should just give me a call, huh?
Huh, you know how...
You know how things get lost in translation
when you sendin' messages.
My phone's about to die,
but I'm at the new hotel in West Hollywood...
uh, room 945.
Give me a call.
I love you. Baby.
Give me the phone.
The fuck is wrong with you?
- Since when you start... - Wait. She's typing something.
Hmm? What's it say?
"Fuck you."
Clear as day.
I told you.
So, check, I had an audition
- the other day, right? - Uh-huh.
I'm no Meryl Streep but people know me.
The first thing they asked me is how many likes
do I have on my Instagram.
They got these Instagram stars.
They got maybe three minutes...
Spotify?
Spotify is music, man. It ain't that.
Whatever the hell it is, they got it.
At least know what the damn thing is.
See, that's why you not in the game.
You don't even know what it is.
You know what Instagram used to be? On the street...
"Hey, I heard that bitch is funny. Go see her."
That was it.
And you know what a phone used to be?
That was somebody who was gonna kill you,
or a sexual predator.
That's what I like.
I can't allow these internet up-and-comers
to just come in and start regulating.
I don't understand what they've done.
If that means I gotta go back on the road,
then we'll make it on the road.
That's right.
I ain't mad at you.
I stay on the road. I live on the road.
These kids don't wanna be on the road.
They wanna get famous.
Now.
I don't understand how they're in our lane.
We're not in their lane.
- That's all I'm saying. - You don't get it. When we were young,
they thought we were crazy.
But, no, that was 1906, when you was young.
You shut the fuck up.
You've got to listen these days.
Young kids can learn from you.
You can learn from them.
How you gonna listen?
The kid that you're having a problem with,
maybe you should become his friend, be his ally.
You never know. He might be the next big thing coming up.
Hey, Marques, you haven't been on the road in about 10 years.
It's gonna be so epic. First of all, you write your stuff up,
you go in the clubs, and they go...
"Ooh! There's a Marques sighting. Ooh!" And they show up.
And get the little internet kids. Matter of fact, use them.
Use them to help you go viral.
That's what I'm telling you! Didn't I say that?
No, you ain't say it that way.
I'm doing a better way than what you said.
Let them make you viral too. Let them make you viral too.
Them young kids know how to do that shit.
Y'all used to go together? 'Cause y'all acting like two bitches.
- Did you call me a bitch? - Yes.
I can't call you bitch, because calling you bitch is wrong.
No, call me a bitch.
If we put this on the internet,
we could be viral.
You know what? Where is my chicken wings? God damn it!
Look, y'all gonna take care of the check?
- What? - Yes, yes, yes.
I just turned down 20 million. Y'all know I ain't got it.
Yes, yes. We got you.
Hey, Sinbad, where you going?
To pay the check.
We've talked to Thomas's parents,
and they just want an apology
from Jaylin for his part in all of this.
Yes, he'll apologize.
No, I won't.
Excuse me?
I'm not sorry I fought him. He was talking mess about dad.
Saying that he doesn't have money
and that he's a loser...
and that he's never gonna give me a piano.
Jaylin, he might not, sweetie.
You just don't believe in him.
You think I don't believe in your father?
You didn't want him to go to LA.
You don't know what he's doing out there.
He's doing what he said he would.
He's following his dreams.
Look, I'm sorry. If we could just get back to...
Of course, hold on.
Jaylin, do you think I believe in you?
I do. I believe in the both of you.
Jaylin's not apologizing.
And, you know, maybe instead of asking my son
to apologize for defending his father,
you should talk to the other kid
about disrespecting Jaylin's dad.
When Thomas is ready to apologize to my son,
you know where we are.
Come on, baby, let's bounce.
That was so dope.
I know, right?
So, we're just gonna walk out?
Yes, and then I'm going to see your daddy.
You want some ice cream?
Pee-wee Herman just got busted
for jacking off in a porno theater.
Didn't you think jacking off
and porno theater went together
like a unspoken marriage?
That's like saying,
"He ordered fries, and he ate them too."
"Did he? What a monster."
You feel something sticky on the floor,
that's probably not popcorn.
You should just walk a little faster.
I was pretty good, wasn't I?
Marques to go.
Mr. Black.
I have a Mr. McDonald here to see you.
Mr. McDonald?
Thank you, Alfred.
- That's Alfred. What's up, man? - You for real?
Thanks for coming on such short notice.
Oh, no problem. Is that a golden microphone?
Sure is. Marques has used it in every one of his shows
since his first big concert special.
Marques Black Uncensored.
Yeah, I might have seen that one.
You might have seen that?
Yeah, okay. Everybody's seen it.
Yeah, everybody.
I'm gonna leave you two alone.
I'll be damned.
Come on, boy.
Let's go outside.
Sure.
Gave that $20 million back.
What you do that for?
Well, 'cause you were right.
I lost sight of myself just focusing
on making that money.
Forgot I was being who they wanted me to be,
instead of who I truly am.
Well, I'm glad I could teach you something, playboy.
Yeah, well, I don't mind learning from my mistakes.
Speaking of mistakes...
I should've been the bigger person
in this situation we got here.
You young, rough around the edges,
but you're talented.
And I could've been helping you,
instead of trying to destroy you.
Listen, man, no offense. Thanks.
But, listen, I'm not your little project, all right?
I'll get to where I need to be on my own.
Yeah, well, see, when I was breaking in
we had to learn from the greats.
I had to learn from Redd Foxx.
I had to learn from Richard Pryor.
I was out there fetching Eddie Murphy's coffee.
Well, look, it's a new day.
It's a new time, it's a new era.
Ain't nobody gonna be shining your damn shoes.
I get all the views I need to get
on this thing right here.
So you don't need us 'cause you got followers?
Exactly.
Look, you gotta look to your past
to understand your future, young blood.
I am the future, old man.
You're scared. That's what it is.
Finally. I couldn't figure out what was really going on,
but that's what's behind the arrogance,
and the angry rants about me.
This is all some
"fight the biggest dude on the yard...
"so everybody doesn't see how scared I am."
Listen, man, I definitely ain't scared.
I know fear, and it's all in your eyes.
Yeah.
And what you're really scared of is failure.
'Cause you convinced everybody
around you to believe in you,
and you don't believe in yourself.
You know what? We'll see who's scared,
when I win that showcase tonight.
We'll see who's scared then.
If you was who you saying you were,
you wouldn't give a fuck about a showcase.
But, uh...
But don't be late for your little showcase, playboy.
Good luck out there.
All right, Dre. I'm leaving you another message, dawg.
How the fuck are you gonna be late to your own showcase?
You got to get here, man, before you fuck up my whole plan.
No management company, no Sarah Silverman,
no nothing, dawg.
Come on, man, this is very black of you.
Where the fuck have you been?
I don't even know.
I don't even know how to explain it.
Dre, are you high?
- Huh? - You look high. Are you high?
No, I don't think so.
Oh, my fucking God, dawg. Come on, man. Get it together.
McDonald, you're up.
- Okay. - All right, this is it, baby.
Look, I'm live-streaming this whole round.
Been promoting it all day.
Everybody is gonna be watching, so you know what you've got to do.
- Yeah. Yeah. - Huh?
Boom! Kill it!
Let's do this.
Let's go, let's go. I'm ready.
- Do your thing, baby. - Yes, sir.
Yeah, yeah.
What's up, Dre?
- What up, bruh? - You all right?
- Yeah, yeah, I'm good. - Do your shit, bruh.
Fo' sho. Fo' sho.
It's my time, motherfucker.
Let's go.
Glad I'm not in this competition.
I'd be back there scared.
Y'all ready for another comedian?
Well, let's bring him up.
Put your hands together for Deandre.
Oh, man.
What a day. What a day. What a day. What a day.
Um...
Uh...
I just came from Marques Black's house.
Did I say house? I meant to say palatial estate.
Marques Black's house is so big
this motherfucker has slaves.
Like, I seen three niggas picking cotton.
Like, what the fuck is this? Where is Quentin Tarantino?
Is this fucking Django? What is happening?
I'm saying, look... And this is not even the set
that I was normally gonna do, all right?
I mean, usually I would've worked this shit out in my journal,
but I just came from Marques fucking Black's house
and honest to God, I'm still trying to process this shit.
So if I could work it out with y'all,
I would love to. Is that cool?
All right.
Hey, I'm sorry.
Hey, can I go talk to him for a second
and find out what's going on?
Sorry. The clock's already started.
Me and Marques Black got this internet beef going, man.
And I done talked shit about him.
I talked about his movies. I talked about his height.
I done talked about everything, man.
And you know what, man? Marques Black, even though,
even though his movies are trash as fuck...
uh, he's cool as hell.
Got a cool house, with cool shit.
He's got a solid gold microphone in a case.
A solid gold microphone? The fuck?
Like, yo, God don't even use a solid gold microphone.
God's microphone he uses to talk to us is gold-plated.
He got a solid gold microphone.
What the hell, man?
So he's talking to me about being great, right?
And he tells me that I'm scared of failure.
And I was like, "Wow! Scared of failure."
Who says that to somebody?
I wanted to be like...
"Nigga, how did you know I was scared of failure?"
Nah, but you know I ain't say that. I ain't say that.
You know, 'cause I'm tough. I'm a man.
Had to put on that tougher side.
So, I was like, "Man, what the hell are you talking about?
"Ain't nobody fucking scared.
"I ain't scared. What? What?
"Let me tell you something, bruh.
"Let me tell you something. Let me tell you something, little buster.
"Let me tell you something, little buster."
He said I don't believe in myself.
I wanted to look at him and be like,
"Who keeps telling you all these secrets?
"Are you a spirit whisperer?
"How do you know this shit?"
And nobody ever tells you
when you go to Marques Black's house
that he gonna give you a divine intervention, right?
Look, they need to tell you that
before you drop your keys off to his valet.
At his house, 'cause he got a valet at his fucking house.
And the valet be looking at you, talking about some...
"Hey, hey, hey, hey!"
This old-ass nigga about 200 years old.
"Hey, be careful. That nigga know your heart."
Like, huh, what the fuck?
He knows my heart. Is he Jesus or something?
What's happening?
Look, man. My girl, man...
My girl is the fucking best, man.
I can understand why she's frustrated.
You know, 'cause I'm out here talking about
I'm chasing my dreams.
I ain't chasing shit.
Really. I'm just doing free internet videos
and beefing with celebrities for free.
Meanwhile, she got a check.
And she taking care of the house,
taking care of our kid,
trying to further better herself.
You know what I'm saying? Just being an adult.
And I'm just out here doing stupid shit, man.
Our relationship is synonymous to Jay-Z and Beyonce.
If Beyonce would've married DMX.
You know what I'm saying?
I'm like, "Hey, yo! Hey, yo! Hey, baby!
"Hello!
"Baby, baby, can I get some money?
"Can I get some allowance money
"so I can do my few dumb videos?
"I mean, even though it's free and it's coming out of you,
"please help out me, boo."
I love her.
We expect a woman to accept us for all our bullshit.
I mean, so much bullshit, too.
We talking about... We talking about joblessness, womanizing, poverty.
Meanwhile, as soon as she does that, what we do?
Leave her for a chick with a fatter ass.
And it don't even got to be really much that fatter.
It's just the margin of one percent of a fatter ass.
That shit could change an election.
You know what I'm saying?
Just that one fucking percent.
I'll be sitting with my girl sometimes and I'll be like,
"What the fuck are you doing here?
"You can do way better than me.
"Do you believe in yourself?
"I believe you can get in a better relationship.
"Maybe we need to talk to Marques Black
"to have an intervention
"cause I don't know what the fuck
"you are doing here with me right now."
But you know what, folks? It's not supposed to be easy.
'Cause if it's easy, it's not worth it.
You feel me? That's why I'm so hard on my girl.
'Cause I'm worth it. You know what I'm saying?
Nah, I'm just fucking with y'all.
Baby, please go out there and find your damn Jay-Z.
Because DMX still got some soul-searching to do.
You know what I mean, nigga?
Thank you so much.
I'm Deandre McDonald. That's my time.
Thank y'all so much. Appreciate it.
Thank you, man.
- Dre! Dre! - Yo!
The fuck was that, man?
I had some shit I had to get off my chest, man.
That shit was lit, baby.
Yeah, I'll call my baby up.
- Come on, go ahead, go ahead. - Cool, cool.
I'll record it.
Okay, bye.
Baby, hit me back. Baby, I did it.
I killed it. I got a standing O
talkin' about my shit.
I can't believe it. I fucking did it!
Okay, hit me back. Soon as you can.
All right? I love you. All right.
- Bruh... - Dawg...
- What? What? What? - Did you hear 'em?
Come on, man, let's go.
All right, all right, all right.
Look, when I call your name, please step forward.
DeJuan Bickerstaff.
That's what I told ya!
Montana Prestley.
LaMont Keish.
And last but not least...
Paul Wilds!
Hey, excuse me? Excuse me? Judge?
He should be in the next round, man.
You heard the crowd. They love him.
Yeah, he was hilarious, and we did too.
But apparently he took money
while he was performing in the showcase.
Taylor Jones. Look, man, I didn't get money for her showcase, all right?
She just gave us money for food.
Well, if there's a misunderstanding,
you should take it up with her.
Round three starts in, uh, two hours.
What the fuck?
- To us. - Wait.
Why is Taylor talking to Marques' manager,
your mortal enemy?
So we're working together?
Something ain't right about this.
I think I know what exactly isn't right about this.
You do? Like, you figured it out already?
God damn! You quick, bruh.
A show coming up. That's right. Oh.
Taylor.
Whoa-ho-ho!
It is the internet kid, everyone.
You and Marques set me up.
How'd you do? Did you win that little contest?
No, I didn't win, 'cause she played me.
Look, it wasn't personal, all right?
He offered me representation if I helped him.
You know what, Taylor?
You know damn well I didn't get paid to be in your show.
Oh. Was that how she pulled it off?
I never got the details.
But I like it.
Turn the car around, please.
Look, I'm sorry, Dre.
He's gonna help me break in.
Right, Nico?
Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah. I'll put in some calls,
but, uh, I can't promise nothing.
But you said that you...
Hold on. Yo, what's good? Hold on for a minute.
Hey, uh, McDonald. Uh...
It's over.
Have a safe, safe flight back home.
And next time you're out here,
be careful who you fuck with.
You know what? I'm tripping.
There probably won't be a next time.
And, um, take her with you.
Yeah?
Hope it was worth it.
And we keeping the $20.
Live-streaming that show killed my battery.
Dre, I gotta crick in my neck
from sleeping in a fucking minivan.
I got it, I got it.
- Go, go, go. - God damn!
Wait.
Baby...
Oh! Mmm.
Mmm.
Damn, baby...
Wait a minute now. What's up with this?
What you doing here, baby? Where's Jaylin?
With my mom.
Baby, I saw the show. You were amazing.
So funny and honest.
Stop.
It's not just about me, and it should never be.
Baby, I've been so caught up
on what I want that I ain't even consider what you need.
Well, I've been so in my feelings,
it's been hard for me to have faith in your vision.
But I do. Baby, you are so talented.
You're doing exactly what you should be.
Well, I'm done with all that.
I ain't cut out for this.
No, I know you're not giving up.
Not after everything we done been through.
Boy, the Dre I know would never quit.
Not the Dre I know.
He quit tee-ball, junior varsity basketball.
Veganism. That lasted a day.
Mind your business!
Yep.
I got disqualified from the showcase.
What am I supposed to do?
Figure it out. You always do.
Hell, as long as you get back at that shady-ass Nico.
Wait, how'd you know Nico was shady?
- It was on the livestream. - It was?
Yes, and all that stuff about Taylor.
Matter of fact, fuck that bitch for trying to sabotage you.
Wait, wait, wait.
She ain't even cute, to be honest.
Whoa, the whole Nico conversation was on livestream?
Mmm-hmm. Now, stop saying his name, 'cause he's dead to me.
That's the proof I need to show that I was set up.
Eddie, you recorded that livestream, right?
What am I, a amateur live-streamer?
Yeah, I recorded that shit.
If I can get that footage to the judges,
they gotta let me back in the showcase.
We only got, like, an hour before the final round starts.
Not without us.
Look at us, out in these streets.
Let's go!
Yo, hey, wait, look at us. Huh?
We running around Hollywood and shit.
Just want y'all to know I love y'all.
What you want? A Drake compilation album
to go with that damn speech of yours?
It got real sugary up in here.
Right, right.
Baby, baby. Baby, look.
I've been a idiot,
but you're the only one for me.
Oh, baby, I know.
I'm fine as hell.
You are. You gonna get it when we get back.
After you win the showcase.
Damn right. Let's go.
Welcome to the final round of the LOL Comedy Showcase.
Now, one of these comedians are going on a 30-city tour.
That's right. A 30-city tour.
Now, without any further ado...
Damn, man. They already started.
No, no, no. You know what? I got this.
Everybody, get down!
Oh, my God! He got a gun! Take my money!
What they doing?
You can't say "get down" in LA, dumbass.
Why not?
Because they'll think you got a gun.
Why would I have a gun?
I was trying to tell the comedians to get down
'cause I want my boy, Deandre, to get on the stage.
You know damn well
I didn't get paid to be in your show.
Wait a second! Don't boo!
You need to show him the video of Nico.
What if they don't believe me?
Oh, shit!
Who's that?
You look good, baby!
You the man, Marques!
Thank you, everybody. I appreciate it.
I appreciate it. I do.
Uh, this is an interruption, and I'm sorry for that.
But somebody was disqualified earlier
and they should not have been.
And so I came to make this right.
It's my pleasure to introduce a guy
who is not just a friend,
but may one day be my successor,
if he doesn't fuck this up.
Please give it up for Deandre McDonald, ladies and gentlemen.
You got this, baby.
Go, Dre!
I don't know what to say.
Just be great.
Let's go.
Well...
I got a golden microphone, bitch!
Then all the kids started bragging about
who's coming to see them at the recital.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah. Mom, do you think Dad will be home by then?
It's a tough one, baby.
He's got a lot of days left on his tour.
Are you hungry?
I can make you something. Your favorite.
Mmm. Okay.
Come on.
Dre?
- For real? - Dad?
- You got me a piano? - Yeah!
That's you and that's yours. I bought that.
Love you, Jaylin.
Love you too, Dad.
Yeah!
Baby...
Uh-huh.
You don't know how to do nothing like that.