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Terrific.
["Never Ever" playing]
[cell phone chimes]
♪ Soft velvet and candlelight ♪
♪ Little fears that you keep inside... ♪
Oh, my...
[exhales]
Excuse me. Hi.
Whoa!
Wow. I-I didn't realize...
I'm sorry. Tim. Nice to see you.
Uh, I'm sorry. I'm gonna have to steal her away now.
You look great.
And good news, our table's ready now, so we can...
What the hell do you think you're doing, bro? She's with me.
Sir, I appreciate you keeping her company, but she's actually not with you.
She's with me. [chuckles]
Believe me. You don't want to make me cause a scene.
[chuckles softly]
[inhales]
You're gonna cause a scene?
I might...
summon one of the managers. Sure.
-[inhales deeply] -No.
I don't know what you been smoking,
but you better back off my wife, or I'm gonna punch a hole in your face.
-Your--? -[woman] Timothy?
Is that you?
Uh-oh. My bad. I was at the other side of the bar.
Ooh! I'm actually his date.
-[chuckles] -Melissa?
Everybody calls me Missy.
Sorry about the mix-up.
Just a little blind-date blunder. [chuckles]
But what would you two know about making a mistake, right?
Okay. Let's go.
[laughs] I got you so good!
Wait. Wait. You did that on purpose? Why?
Best blind-date ice-breaker ever!
Ice-breaker? The guy almost broke every bone in my body.
Yeah, it worked, didn't it? We're loose. We're laughing.
We're having fun.
Oh, my God! That was so funny.
You know what the best part is? You passed the test.
What test?
The testicle test. You showed some real nuts back there.
I'm impressed, babe.
It was cute. Real good.
By the way, the age thing doesn't concern me. What are you, 65?
What the fuck?
I know that's a blond wig, and I don't care.
Timothy, I would like to present you with the first impression rose.
-[Tim sighs] -[squeaks]
You've earned it. Boop!
-You know, from The Bachelor. You know. -I got it.
-Hi. Can I start you two with anything? -Oh, yeah.
Let's have two tequilas, please, señorita. [laughs]
Actually, I don't drink,
so I'm gonna probably just go with a soda water.
Whatever you have is fine.
[groans] What?
[laughs] Okay.
First chink in the armor. Mr. Perfect's not so perfect.
But we'll fix him. [laughs]
I'm just kidding. Don't worry. I'm a-- I'm a certified substance abuse counselor,
so I know-- I know how to handle an alcoholic.
I'm-- I'm not an alcoholic.
What, just a couple DUI's?
-No! -"I'm not an alcoholic, sir, I swear."
-Never. -You a lightweight?
-No. -Did you piss on your friend's couch?
-No. -Make out at truck stops? [vocalizes]
No. I just don't drink. It's not that weird.
Here's the thing. People who don't drink, they always have a story.
-I don't. Sorry to disappoint you. -You don't disappoint me.
Nothing you could do would disappoint me. I love you.
[laughs]
[inhales] Wow.
This, us, it feels like fate. Doesn't it?
Wha... How did you meet my grandmother again?
-Jiffy Lube. Yeah. -Oh.
She's like, "My grandson would be so perfect for you."
I'm like, "Sign me up!" So, yeah.
I have to visit her more often and possibly smother her.
-You're getting-- -Oh, am I?
-Your hair is getting in-- -Oh, am I?
-Do you want to get a napkin? -Eh-eh-eh-eh.
[whimpering] [smacking lips]
I don't think that's sanitary.
Uh-- [gags]
[clears throat] I hope I'm not freaking you out on our first date. I--
Well, I have to tell you, I probably have never been--
-[shouting] Stop eye-fucking me! -I'm not. I'm just talking to you.
[shouting] I'm with someone!
We're trying to have a romantic dinner date here!
What do you think we're trying to have, huh? Until you assholes interrupted us!
Hey, my boyfriend's gonna kick your fucking ass!
No, he's not. I'm going to the restroom.
-Real quick. I'll be back. -Okay.
Right after he gets back, he's kicking your ass.
[clattering]
[Tim grunts] [pants]
[grunts] [pants] Shit!
[grunts]
[Missy] Tim?
[screams] Shit!
What you doing?
Hey, you.
Um...
Good. I'm...
You got me.
I was climbing out the window to run around,
and I was gonna come back in and sneak up on you.
[laughs]
[continues laughing]
God, we are funny together.
Are we? [laughs]
That said, we have to leave the restaurant right now.
[exhales]
Wh-Why? What happened?
When you went to the bathroom, Aquaman started mouthing off again.
So, I...
I sort of flashed him.
You flashed him your breasts?
No, I didn't flash him my breasts. I showed him Sheila.
Wh... Like, your Sheila?
No. My friend, my protector, Sheila.
Gah! What are you, Crocodile Dundee?
What? It's a blind date. What if you were some psycho?
Then I could behead you. Hmm.
Any way you could give me a couple minutes in here?
You do have to go to the bathroom now.
-Yeah. -[Missy] Yeah. I get it.
When I'm dropping a deuce, I don't want anyone talking to me, so...
-[clicks tongue] Have a good shit, my man. -Thank you.
Maybe I'll take a shit, too.
Mmm, don't have to.
Eh, you never know. I'll push.
See you in a bit.
[door closes]
[screams]
-[thuds] -[Tim screams]
[screaming and crying]
[toilet flushes]
[continues screaming and crying]
[Missy] I'm coming, Tim! I'm coming!
[Tim grunts]
I bet you wish you had that tequila now, huh, Tim?
All right, I gotta pop this puppy back into place ASAP.
-[whimpering] No! -Yeah. Don't worry. I'm a certified EMT.
-No, no, no! -One.
-No, no! -Two.
-Three! -[grunts]
-Four! -[screams]
["No Roots" playing]
♪ I've got no roots But my home was never on the ground ♪
♪ I've got no roots... ♪
-Yeah. -Hey, dude.
Okay. Good news, bad news.
First casualty of the merger. Hanrahan got the axe.
Ooh. Is that the good news or the bad news?
Okay. So, I guess it's good news and good news,
because you're on the short list to replace him.
And I mean short list because you're short.
[laughs] I'm just kidding.
Ah, shit! I just remembered the bad news.
It's down to you and "The Barracuda."
Oh, fuck. Where'd you hear that?
I'm the head of HR. I have access.
[laughs] Like, what?
And I'm glad you're seeing a shrink. That's great.
You don't want people to see your stuff, use your personal email.
Ah, fuck. So it's good news, bad news, more bad news.
Your ex-fiancée is gonna be at the retreat.
My office books the travel, so Julia's gonna be with Rich.
Well, from what I saw, all spouses and significant others are welcome, so...
It doesn't surprise me.
Tim, I'm just concerned.
You're concerned about what? I gotta go.
I'm concerned about this. Look at your screensaver.
That's your ex-fiancée.
That's insane, Tim.
Why are you ordering Grubhub seven days a week?
Because I'm hungry.
And did you really watch seven episodes of The Affair last night?
That was my personal computer. What the fuck! You're on everything?
Don't use the same password
from your corporate account to your personal account.
That's on you.
Dude, come on. It's been three months since you went out with that crazy fuck.
It was one date.
The walking boots off,
running shoes on.
Run to a vagina.
I'm not gonna go through all that shit again.
Fuck that girl, fuck my grandma, and fuck you.
-I'm off to Newark. -[chuckling] What?
If Miss Right is out there, she can find me. I'm a hello away.
Is that a line from The Affair?
Yes, it is.
["Times Won't Change Me" playing]
♪ I heard it coming ♪
♪ In every thunder, I wonder-- ♪
-Oh. -Oh, shit.
-Oh. -Oh. I'm sorry.
Here. Yeah. No.
Here. Here.
Thanks.
Jesus.
Fuck.
Hey.
Here you go.
[machine beeps]
Sorry, sir. Seems like you have the wrong ticket.
What?
Oh, shit!
Excuse me. Pardon me.
Sorry, guys.
Shit.
No, no. Coming. I'm coming. I'm com--
Ah, you fucking pube-eater.
[woman] Timothy?
Melissa Doherty.
[chuckles] I like your taste in luggage.
[laughs]
I mean, maybe I hit my head when we collided, because I'm confused.
Okay, I get we both grabbed each other's carry-ons.
-Yeah. -But how did my book end up in your bag?
Wait. This?
No, this is my book.
-This is my book. -[laughs] Oh, no.
[laughs]
-Wow. -What?
Wow.
Can I get you something to drink?
Know what? Let me get you a drink.
It's the least I can do for making you miss your flight.
Actually, I don't drink.
I'll just have a club soda with a lime.
You don't drink? I, uh... I'll have the same thing.
I don't drink either.
I hope you're not saying that to make me feel more comfortable,
-because I'm totally okay if you want-- -[chuckling] No, I swear. I don't drink.
Is it just me,
or does everyone automatically assume you're some total booze-bag?
-[laughs] A hundred percent. -[laughs]
-Everybody! -Everybody!
-[Tim] No, those guys are great. -[Melissa] Amazing.
[Tim] I like all those bands.
By the way, I was supposed to see Phil Collins, right?
I love him.
And my friend talks me into the VR version,
that stupid shit,
instead of going live to the show, which is great. And I do it.
I'm not even talking to him anymore. It was not even close.
-I am so with you. -Horrible.
-I mean, those things suck. -Yeah.
I'm not happy unless I'm deaf for a week after a concert.
-Exactly. -Yeah.
I have to say, this has turned out to be the best time I've had with a guy
in a really long time.
-Me too. Me too. With a girl. -[chuckles]
But that's not saying that much.
My closest relationship right now
is embarrassingly with the Grubhub delivery guy.
-[laughs] St-- -He's nice.
He really pushes me out of my comfort zone.
I invited him in to watch The Affair, innocently, because it's a good show,
and, uh, he's like, "I gotta go deliver shit."
-Hmm. -Like, he's being really weird.
-The Affair, huh? -Yeah.
-I'm tell-- I think you would like it.
I hear good things. I just... [inhales]
It hits a little bit too close to home.
Oh.
My husband had an affair.
[softly] No!
I suppose I should say my ex-husband.
I have an ex-fiancée for the exact same reason.
[grunts] Oh, shit.
Is this a bad idea?
-No! No, not at all. -Oh, okay.
-[moaning] -[giggles]
Okay.
[woman] This is the final boarding call for flight 452 to Atlanta.
Shit. That's me. I gotta go. I have a meeting in the morning.
I cannot miss this flight.
-Yeah. For sure. -Okay. All right.
All right. Uh, wait. Can I get... Can I get your number?
-What's your number? -Oh, my number.
-Yeah. -Uh, mine's 503...
555-0131.
-I sent you my contact. -Okay, good.
-[shrieks] -Bye.
-To be continued. Okay. -Yeah, for sure.
Oh, wait! Shit! You got the wrong bag again.
-[shrieks] -[laughs]
-Okay. -[Tim] Bye.
[panting]
Oh, shit.
Oh, my God.
[exhales]
Oh.
[cell phone chimes]
Oh.
[whispering ]Yes!
["Portland" playing]
Fuck!
♪ The way I wanna know you? ♪
♪ Got several hundred stupid things ♪
♪ That I wanna show you ♪
♪ I punched out all the windows ♪
♪ Just to get some light ♪
♪ So I can give you everything ♪
♪ It keeps me up at night... ♪
[groans]
[chuckles]
♪ Who only wants a ghost ♪
♪ Yeah, I would drop everything ♪
♪ And drive up the damn coast... ♪
So dumb.
♪ Portland has nothing ♪
♪ Especially not me ♪
♪ How am I supposed to sleep tonight... ♪
Shoot.
[sighs]
"I know it's been a bit since we saw each other,
but that was a hell of a first date.
I've tried to hold off texting, but I... can't stop thinking about you."
[message transmits]
[sighs]
[cell phone chimes]
[chuckles]
Fuck, yes!
Now, give it a second.
[man on TV] Bears getting into garbage has become a common theme
as of late in the Newark area.
[cell phone chimes]
Mmm.
[man on TV] ...inside until trash day, and if you have to put it out early...
-[sighs] "In bed." -[message transmits]
Boring answer.
[cell phone chimes]
[TV continues indistinctly]
[inhales]
Here comes another one. "Pajamas."
[message transmits]
[cell phone chimes]
What?
[cell phone chimes]
A wiener picture?
[exhales nervously]
God! Is this what people do?
[sighs]
All right, I gotta play along. Here we go.
[camera shutter clicks]
[laughs]
Oh, God.
Dude, I thought you were full of shit. I was, like, there's no way.
And then, when you started just rattling off those wiener pics...
Just, like... It was, like, wieners.
How did you... I mean, I changed all of my passwords.
Yeah. I know, but...
Your mother's maiden name and the last four of your soc,
it's like...
Anyway, here's the deal.
Twenty years ago, they started a thing called "manscaping."
Where you just kind of clean the brush.
Some girls, they like it.
No, they don't. They don't at all.
I looked at your photos, and I was like,
are the pubes coming out of the penis, or is the penis coming out of the pubes?
Like, it was like a mystery. Like, full on.
I was like, "How do I solve this?"
Anyway, I gotta see a picture of this chick,
above the belt, dude. Come on.
Holy shit. Is that real?
Dude, your Miss Right was Miss Maryland.
She graduated top of her class at Georgetown,
two-sport collegiate athlete.
You girls gossiping about The Barracuda again?
Uh, no, but we will when you leave, 'cause you're a psycho.
Yeah. Well, when I get promoted to president,
I may just have to tighten the belt on our online porn policy.
It's not porn. That's Tim's girlfriend.
-Timmy's got a girlfriend? -Excuse me.
Miss Maryland?
You got to be kidding me.
I'm not. She graduated top of her class, not on top of her professor, like you.
I'll believe it when I see it.
Later, Siegfried and Doy.
-Okay. Good talk. -I'm Siegfried.
I'm Doy, I guess.
-No shit. -Who cares?
Anyway, you got to bring her to Hawaii, dude.
I can't bring her on a corporate retreat.
Why not? Winstone would freak out if you brought a girl like that.
-Uh... -She's amazing.
What woman wouldn't want to leave Portland and go to the tropics?
She's not gonna come. I've only known her a week.
Dude, it's a no-brainer. Text her now.
[groans]
[cell phone chimes]
She said yes!
[laughing] Yeah!
Have her email my assistant all of her info.
I'll book you on the same flight.
Oh, my God.
Aloha, motherfucker! I told you! Yes!
I won! I won!
["Small Spaces" playing]
[blows]
Hey, buddy.
Can you do me a huge favor and maybe, uh...
check my breath for me?
What's that, bud?
I'm meeting this girl on the plane,
and she's... incredible, and I don't want to blow it with her.
-Oh. I got you, dude. -I know it sounds crazy.
Give me a taste.
[blows]
Okay, one more time.
[blows]
Come on, man. Really bring it to me.
[blows]
[sniffs]
Smells good.
Did you eat dog shit this morning?
I'm just kidding. You're good to go.
[cell phone chimes]
Where is she?
No. Wha...
Fuck.
[cell phone chimes]
[chuckles]
[cell phone chimes]
-[clattering] -[woman] God.
Oh. Oh.
Ah. Ooh.
[chuckles] It's so great to see you!
[squeals]
-Wh... -[meowing]
Wh... Wh...
You smell so good. What is that?
Is that soap?
Sorry. I'm a little sweaty. I...
I had a little TSA pat-down.
Guess I'm too sexy. [chuckles]
No, I had, uh... I had Sheila in my purse,
but I got away with it because I told him it was a service knife.
-So, don't worry. You're protected. -That's funny.
-[laughs] -[chuckles]
What... What are you doing here?
[funny voice] "What are you doing here?" "What are you doing here?"
"What are you doing here?" Yeah.
Are these for me?
-Those aren't-- -[sniffs] You got me roses?
That is so sweet.
Mmm. I want to motorboat 'em.
[motorboats]
[laughs]
I've never flown first class. This is crazy.
Wait. What's in this bag?
What in the world?
-Like, free stuff? -[softly] No!
[Missy] Oh, my God.
I didn't have any of this.
Deodorant? That's perfect.
Tim... when I caught you climbing out of that bathroom window,
I thought to myself, "He's just a flake like all the other guys," you know?
Then I got that text from you, and I was just like...
You saved my life.
[inhales] No, actually, I didn't.
-This is actually just a big mis-- -Yes. You did.
You're not just my soulmate, Tim.
You're my savior.
[Missy] There I was. About to jump off the highest bridge in Portland.
-[cell phone chimes] -[Missy] But I didn't.
Because it was one hell of a first date,
and it was fate.
N--
Thank you for not breaking my heart.
-Because that would just be... -[sighs]
...disastrous for me.
[sighs]
-Can I get you something to drink? -Ooh, yeah. I'll have a tequila.
Make it two.
Mmm, no.
What? I'm sorry. He's an alcoholic.
I'm not gonna let you fall off the wagon on my watch, mister.
[mouthing] Make it two.
-[Tim] What are you taking? -You are taking it.
-[grunts] -You have that.
[swallows] [grunts]
I swallowed that!
-Good. -What the fuck is it?
-It's a dog tranquilizer. -What?
Good night.
Ooh, ooh. No, no, no. No, no, no.
-Two for me. None for you. Okay. -[softly] Fuck!
To the best weekend ever. [laughs]
[woman on PA] The cabin doors are now locked.
-[softly] Fuck. -[woman on PA] Please prepare for takeoff.
[rhythmic rustling]
[clicks tongue]
How's that for a wake-up call, hmm?
You like that?
Good Lord.
-What are you doing? -Shh! He's sleeping.
Don't worry. I was quiet like an assassin.
But he's right there.
Did you not want an upsy-downsy? I'm using lotion.
I mean, it's nice. I--
But I just want to not spoil the weekend.
-You know what I mean? Oh, shit. -[plane rattling]
[yelping]
[grunting]
[moans]
[exhales]
Sorry.
Tim.
It was wonderful.
Ugh!
You're going to hell.
-How long--? -Forty minutes.
-Forty minutes... -Do you have a tissue?
I--
Mmm.
I knew you were awake. Freak!
["Warning" playing]
♪ This is a warning ♪
♪ We got to get down to this place ♪
♪ This is a warning ♪
♪ We're calling from miles away... ♪
Oh, my God! This is absolute paradise!
Best second date ever!
I swear to God, if I see a sea turtle in that ocean, I am riding it!
You can't ride the turtles.
Well, what if they want to ride me? [chuckles]
-That's inappropriate. -And disturbing.
Okay, maybe you're inappropriate and disturbing.
-I'm just being nice to a goddamn turtle. -Have respect for the island.
Shut the fuck up!
[all shouting indistinctly]
-You don't even know me! -Hey, what...
You don't even know me!
-Nice to meet you. -I love kids.
-Oh, I want kids so bad. -What are you--
Aloha, can I offer you a cocktail?
Oh, what do we have here?
We have a couple of local favorites. We have the Mai Tai or the Tropical Itch.
If I get a tropical itch from this guy, I'm gonna be a tropical bitch!
Thirty-five years on this planet, not one STD.
Mmm. [slurps]
-Can you say the same? -Okay. Heh. Sorry.
[Missy] Ooh!
-[exhales] Uh, checking in for Morris. -Welcome, Mr. and Mrs. Morris.
Ooh, I like the sound of that.
[grunts] I like the feel of that.
[sniffs] I like the smell of that.
Yo, aloha, bro. Can you point us to the spa, please?
Oh-ho-ho-ho! Timmy!
What's up, buddy?
What's going on there, Rich?
-[Rich] Hey! -Hey, Julia.
Hey, Tim.
I'm Missy. Tim's girlfriend.
-Hi. Hi. -[Rich] Oh!
Tim's friend. We're friends.
Oh, yeah. I think we soared way past the friend zone
when I gave him the ol' Jergens Jerk on the plane ride over here.
Sounds like somebody had a fun flight, huh?
-No, she's joking around. -Yeah, I'm joking.
-[mouthing] No, I'm not. -[Rich laughs]
Z-z-z-z-z-z-z [coughs]
Wow.
I'm sensing such a strong sexual connection between you two.
Ah-swish! [laughs]
She nailed us, huh?
Oh, no, no. Not you two.
You two. D-Do you have a history?
[laughs] She doesn't know about you guys?
-Know what? -[laughs]
These two were freaking engaged.
-He was the guy before. I am now the guy. -We should get going. We're gonna be late.
All right, we'll catch up at the welcome mixer.
-[Julia] Mm-hmm. -The spa's gotta be this way, babe.
Well, well, well, Mr. Mystery.
Any other deep, dark secrets you want to share?
-That's so... -You know, it's fine.
You're lucky I'm not the jealous type.
In fact, if you want to fuckface me, I'm totally cool with it.
Fuckface you?
Yeah, you know, if you want to imagine her face on my face
when we fuck,
I'm more than comfortable with that.
Well, I'm definitely not comfortable with...
any part of that.
Okay.
Can I get the keys?
-Thank you. Have a-a nice day. -Thank you.
Wait, honey.
[Missy] Oh, my God!
Are you rich?
What the fuck is this?
I made it!
Yeah!
All my teachers can eat my asshole!
[gasps]
"Aloha, Tim and Melissa."
[gasps]
I love that.
I gotta warn you.
Big Momma Spanky could get used to this.
[laughs]
Well, I mean, in fairness, it's just one weekend.
I'm gonna bite into you like this.
[chewing and moaning]
[mouthful] Oh, rose petals.
What does lover boy have up his sleeve?
[chuckles]
-[gasps] -God damn.
-[Missy grunting] -[water splashing]
Hey, are you okay in there?
[Missy] I'm fine. I just fell in the toilet again.
Help me.
What-- What happened?
[Missy] Just joshin'.
Why don't you come in here
so we can see what your pecker looks like when it's floating on the surface?
Yeah. Missy, we need to talk. Um...
Where'd you go?
-[chuckles] -[hissing]
[in evil voice] I am Hellstar.
Who dares to enter my lair?
[blathers]
Finally, someone normal to talk to. Hi, Hellstar.
Oh. A mortal.
Mmm. You know, the only one thing a mortal can do to please Hellstar
is get on all fours, and arch your back,
and submit to the master of darkness!
[blathers]
Right, okay, Hellstar. I mean, we'll get to all that.
Uh, I have to run out for a few seconds.
Oh, what? You're gonna leave?
Right when it was getting good?
[groans]
This is so dumb.
I have to go to an orientation mandatory mixer with my new boss.
No one's allowed to skip it, so... [clicks tongue]
-I'm just gonna... [whistles] -Oh, wait. I'll come with you.
-Let me just dry off. -No, no, no! No. No.
You stay there.
Relax. Have some champagne.
Throw in some more bubbles, maybe a toaster, just splash around.
And you soak for a long time.
A long, long, long, long time. [laughs]
Oh, Tim!
You're so sweet.
I don't know what I did to deserve you, but thank you.
I will.
Mmm. No.
Okay. Catch you in a few.
Stay in the tub.
[Jack Winstone] And now that the merger is complete,
I just want the entire C of A crew to know
that I could not be more proud or pumped to be your new captain.
Woo! Swish! [laughs]
Got a lot of great things planned for this retreat.
Especially the talent show, which I know we're all very excited about.
And I look forward to getting to know each and every one of you
and your better halves.
Enjoy.
[crowd cheering and applauding]
There's the king.
-There he is. -Hey.
Dude, spoke to Winstone all about you.
Totally tee'd you up.
-Fuck. -"Fuck"?
I screwed up so huge.
What?
The girl in my room is not who I thought she was.
That's your fault for trying to get to know her.
That's on you, bud.
No, remember that crazy blind date I had a while ago?
This whole time I thought I was texting my dream girl,
I'm texting that girl.
Dude, that happened to me. I accidentally sent my uncle a dick pic.
He saw it, had a stroke. It was awful. It was like a nightmare for our family.
I don't give a fuck about your uncle at all.
This is real. What do I do?
Dude, just come clean.
I wanted to, but then she told me she was feeling suicidal
until I started texting her.
Who are we to get in the way of destiny, man?
If her time's up, her time's up. She's spirit world.
[Winstone] Where's Miss Maryland?
-Mr. Winstone! -No--
-Sir, I'd like to introduce you-- -[Winstone] I know who he is.
You don't think I'd buy a half-billion dollar company
and not know its biggest assets?
[laughs] Well, that's nice. Nice.
Your name's been mentioned quite a bit, Jim.
Oh. Actually, it's Tim. Tim Morris. But thank you, sir.
-I have your coffee, sir. -I didn't want a coffee.
Oh.
Should I drink it?
I don't care.
So, where's this beauty of yours that Nate keeps bragging to me about?
-Oh. -Wait, wait, wait, Tim. Get this.
-Mr. Winstone's wife was Miss Texas. -No!
That's right. And before that, she dated Evander Holyfield.
-Oh, my God! -More like "holy shit".
-Yeah. -[both laugh]
That's a good one, Ted. [laughs]
Good. That's a good one.
My husband, Paul, was a Guess Jeans model.
I used to have really skinny legs and a great ass.
They photoshopped my bottom half on Claudia Schiffer's torso.
Who do you model for now? Cinnabon?
-Huh? -You know, unfortunately, my beauty queen
uh, isn't feeling quite herself today.
Oh, is she sick?
You could say that.
You know, uh, I don't even know if we'll see her the whole weekend.
She's suffering from severe jet lag.
-From a five-hour flight? -Well, she also had flown in from Paris.
-Fashion Week and all that. -Yeah.
Oh, well, you know, that makes more sense.
Nate tells me she's also one hell of an athlete.
All-American tennis player.
Yup. Uh, in the old days, she was. So, you know...
Not to brag, but the wife and I are defending doubles champions
at our country club.
So we might have to hook up a little mixed doubles match
with you and your little lady.
Oh, yeah, a little afternoon foursome sounds fun.
-[laughs] -Uh, hi...
[Missy] Oh! Winstone.
You didn't tell me he was a porker. He's a little pork pie.
-[laughs] -No... [chuckles]
-This is, uh, Mr. Winstone, right here. -Oh, that makes more sense.
I'm sorry. You are?
She who makes Tim cream his shorts. [laughs]
I'm Missy. I'm Tim's little lady.
Honey, you've had a little champagne today.
-No, no. 151. -Okay.
-Uh, can I talk to you for one second? -Oh, yeah.
We're planning a surprise party.
Oh, I'm getting a tongue lashing, not the good kind. [laughs]
Okay, that old guy is a dark cloud.
He's putting out some real negative energy.
-That dark cloud is my new boss. -Oh, shit.
No shit, "Oh, shit."
Toe shit, no shit, oh, shit.
What?
Tim. I'm so sorry.
You two are not a good match. I don't think you should work here anymore.
I'm working here. I've worked here for 20 years.
So?
Listen. I may have gone a little bit overboard in bragging about you,
saying you were a two-sport collegiate athlete,
and you may or may not have won a beauty contest in the past.
Oh, my God. [chuckles]
You're obsessed with me.
[laughs] Oh, my God. Okay.
Um, we're either gonna end up married,
or I'm gonna end up naked and dead in a ravine somewhere.
[grunts] [laughs]
-I-I don't see that happening. -Which one? I'm down for either.
Would you do me a favor?
This is my company's corporate retreat. It's a big deal.
-Yeah, huge. Yeah. -So, please,
will you keep things cool, calm, and very collected.
You're so worried, Tim.
Okay, I'm a people-person. Have you not noticed that?
Yeah.
I'm gonna have all these boring bankers eating out of the palm of my hand.
[sighs]
♪ Feeling good, feeling good Feeling good ♪
♪ All right... ♪
-I think about-- -Excuse us real quick.
Sorry, mahalo, everybody. Many, many mahalos.
You've got to get Nostradamus the fuck out of here.
-Who? -Missy!
She's giving psychic readings to the entire company.
Could be a lot of horrible things coming, and it could happen at any point.
I just talked to her! God damn it!
Um...
I'm seeing a little boy. His name's Calvin.
Yes, that's Cal Jr.
I'm Cal Sr. You're visualizing my son.
He's standing next to your grave.
-What? I'm dead? -Mm-hmm.
[stammers] Yeah, you can live. Just don't get on a plane in the next five months.
Well, we're on an island. How am I supposed to get back to Portland?
Get on my plane. I'm gonna live a long, long, long time.
-Excuse me. Hey. Can I steal her? -That's my boyfriend.
[laughs] You're fucked, dude.
What happened to being cool, calm, and collected?
-Hey. Missy. -Ooh, yeah. Gimme.
So, uh, who do you see winning the Super Bowl this year?
I'll be right with you, One Leg.
[man gasps] "One Leg"?
You're gonna lose a leg in ten years in a horrific motorcycle accident.
-What? -The authorities will find it.
They'll put it on backwards. You're gonna be fucked.
You know what, Titone? Sorry. Crystal ball's shut down.
Woo!
-[slurps] -How many of those have you had?
Two.
Wrong. I think it's time we hit the road.
-[music starts] -Ooh, the show!
-Hold this. -Not holding your--
-Don't be a bitch, Tim. -[Tim groans]
[Missy] Wait for me!
Cough it up, Morris. Who's the runaway train?
'Cause that is definitely not the beauty queen I saw on your computer.
[Tim] No, that's her. You just saw a bad picture.
[scoffs] Don't worry, Morris.
Your secret's safe with me.
["Champagne" plays]
♪ I feel sexy ♪
♪ On my champagne ♪
♪ All over my champagne ♪
-♪ Purple lipstick all over my champagne ♪ -♪ On my champagne ♪
♪ We can get it crackin' We can do the damn thang ♪
♪ I show up on the scene In that envy money green ♪
♪ Shorty steady hatin' 'Cause I'm in they boyfriends' dreams ♪
♪ They be talkin' hair and shit Bitch, I'm about that green ♪
♪ So they see my by the bar And they know money ain't a thing ♪
♪ Bitch, brake And best watch what you say ♪
♪ 'Cause we came here to party hard And there's no other way ♪
♪ Mink coats, no coat check Kush we smokin' ♪
♪ Bitch, get out my way Can't you see I'm trying to pose? ♪
-♪ Red lipstick all over my champagne ♪ -♪ On my champagne ♪
-♪ Pink lipstick all over my champagne ♪ -♪ On my champagne ♪
♪ Purple lipstick all over my champagne ♪
♪ We can get it crackin' We can do the damn thang ♪
-♪ Red lipstick all over my champagne ♪ -♪ On my champagne ♪
-♪ Pink lipstick all over my champagne ♪ -♪ On my champagne ♪
-♪ Purple lipstick all over my champagne ♪ -♪ On my champagne ♪
♪ We can get it crackin' We can do the damn thang ♪
[song ends]
[Missy groans]
Where's my Tropical Itch?
I got itchy from my bitchy, witchy, skitchy, kitchy-koo.
And it's Mrs. Morris. Keep it comin'.
Missy, you sure know how to shake up a party.
Mmm. Thanks.
By the way, I'm Jess. You probably heard of me.
They call me "The Barracuda."
Ho! Let's see Evander Holyfield make that shot, huh?
-[Winstone chuckles] -[laughs] Not with those brick hands.
You know, he still calls every once in a while.
Just to check in with my wife.
I'll play you some voicemails that'll blow your mind.
-Just desperate. Horny. -[laughs]
-Says a lot about your wife, huh? -Yeah, she's a gorgeous woman.
I'm damn proud of what she's accomplished.
There's not many people can say they've put Evander Holyfield on his back.
[laughs]
Yo, Morris. Your date's about to jump off a fucking cliff.
What?
[crowd] Go, go, go!
Hey! What are you doing? Missy, what the hell's going on?
What? I'm about to do a triple backflip. They're begging for it.
I mean, what the hell are you doing jumping off of a cliff?
Well, I told that Barracuda bitch I was the star diver of my college.
-Why would you say that? -'Cause you told her
I was a two-sport collegiate athlete.
I thought I was safe because I didn't see any diving boards in sight, but...
Uh-oh. Uh. [laughs]
Okay, well, I'm not letting you jump, right? I don't want you dying.
Look how much he cares about me, everybody. He loves me.
-Guys, show's over. No one's diving today. -[screaming] I love you, Tim Morris!
-Whoa! -[thuds]
[Tim] Shit!
-Shit! Oh, my God! -[Missy screams]
-[screams] -[all exclaim]
[Missy] Jesus! Fuck! [grunts]
[screams] [grunts]
-Oh, fuck! -Oh, my God!
Don't think I've ever seen anyone dive in the ocean... and miss.
[groans]
[laughs]
She's alive!
-[Missy groans] -Damn it!
[Missy] Don't fuck with the Hellstar!
Please tell me somebody got that on video--
["Nightmares" playing]
Real life of the party.
[Tim grunts]
[groans]
[exhales]
♪ Oh... ♪
[sighs]
Nope.
Mmm. Dog pills.
[woman moaning]
[woman] You're my man.
You're the only man for me.
[grunts] I miss you so much. I want you so bad.
You dirty little dog, you bury that bone.
-Huh? -Oh, you bury it.
-Yeah, you bury it! -Ow!
-You bury it! -Aah!
-[screaming] You bury it! -Oh!
[choking sounds]
-Missy? -[panting]
-What are we doing?! -Um, having sex?
You kept jamming your little morning wood into my back
and saying, "Oh, I want you so bad."
[laughs]
Oh, you're fuckfacing me, aren't you? Cool!
-No, no, I'm not! No. -Yes, you are!
Yeah, it's okay. I'm doing it to you, too, Simon Cowell.
Now close your eyes and tell me I suck at singing!
[screaming]
You're going to Hollywood!
[rooster crows]
[Tim] I'm coming now.
-[spits] -[Nate] Where's Godzilla?
-She's sleeping. -Oh, my God! You fucked her, didn't you?
-No, I didn't. -You sound defensive.
-Nate, I did not. -Did you stand on a phone book?
I didn't fuck her, I swear.
-Swear on your grandma's life? -Fine. She fucked me.
-See you soon. -I knew it, you sick--
[disconnects call]
[Missy snoring loudly]
[snoring continues]
[Winstone] Welcome to Mr. Winstone's version of Shark Tank!
-[man] Yeah! -[crowd applauding]
I don't want coffee.
Now, this is the real shark tank.
There's no lights, no cameras, but one whole hell of a lot more action.
Because, you see, here, instead of facing Mark Cuban or Mr. Wonderful,
you'll be facing actual sharks,
which my new friend Komante here tells me are known all too well in these waters.
Komante?
There's sharks all over this goddamn place.
Komante, uh, what happened to your fingers?
I...
[exhaling]
Huh.
-Oh, my God. -[Winstone laughs]
I warned you there'd be no weak-ass trust fall kind of crap this weekend.
And so, without further ado,
what do you say we set sail?
-Woo! -Let's do it!
[crowd applauding]
Let's go fuck up some sharks.
[laughs]
[Winstone laughs]
[Missy] Timmy!
Don't take off!
Oh, shit.
Go, go.
I'm coming, Timmy!
Go, go, go, go, go!
Oh, shit. Let's go.
-Hey, help me with the rope. -[Missy] Tim!
Thank you. We gotta get going. Come on! What are we doing?
Let's go on this piece of shit.
-Go! Hustle! Go! -I'm coming!
[Tim] She's catching up.
You fucking cheetah. My God.
Hold the fucking boat!
-Shit. -I love you, Tim Morris!
[panting]
Oh, shit.
[grunting]
There she is. [laughing] Hey...
[spits]
[in evil voice] You can't stop the Hellstar!
[Tim] No, no.
[laughs] There's my baby.
Oh, my God! You made it.
Yeah, I did.
-Let's join the party. -Hey.
[dramatic music plays]
[Winstone] Well, Stuart, any sharks?
Unfortunately not, sir. But I think I saw some salmon.
Salmon?
Jesus!
All right, that's it. I'm going back down.
We don't head back to the hotel until we see at least one goddamn shark.
Ted!
You and me. Let's go.
It's Tim, sir, but, uh... you know what? I probably shouldn't right now.
Why not? You haven't even been in the water yet.
-[man laughs] -You're not chicken shit, are you?
[laughs] No.
Definitely not chicken shit. No, never chicken shit.
-Well, then, what's the matter? -It's actually, it's... It's more Missy.
She's uh... She suffers from severe seasickness.
No, I don't.
Yes, you do. You... And you just got over that jet lag.
-But I want to go down there. Seems fun. -No.
But, you know, anyone can do it. I won't get mad.
-You can go. You can go. I'll go last. -Tim, you need to go.
[whispers] Do it.
I don't need to go. And you're not fucking fine, remember?
You're not fucking fine, and I need to be with you.
No, you fucking don't!
Go! Before I bitch-slap you in front of all these motherfuckers.
We were...
-We were goofing around on my end. -Go.
Are you sure you should be doing this?
Oh. [chuckles]
Uh, sure, I'm sure.
I ain't "scurred."
No, I'm cool.
Cool.
But as we both know, you're claustrophobic.
Can't imagine anything more claustrophobic than being confined to a cage.
Yeah.
I know this is a really big weekend for you,
and you've worked so hard for this promotion.
I just don't know that this is the best opportunity to impress your boss.
Tim, I just...
-I would never want you to-- -[Winstone] Let's go! Daylight's burning.
We're not gonna see any Great Whites up on the fucking deck.
[Tim] Ah...
That's what I'm talking about!
Let's get this wussy wet.
[laughs]
[sucks air]
[expelling air]
It's okay.
[sucks air]
-You're good. Go ahead, grab it. -Put that in my mouth now?
-Yeah, it goes right in your mouth. -Yeah, Ted!
Hey.
If you see the shark that did this to me,
you tell him,
from me...
"Wassup?
Wassup, baby?"
Excuse me. I gotta take this. Wassup?
[muffled grunt]
[muffled grunts]
[muffled scream]
[muffled groan]
[muffled groans]
[muffled grunt]
[toilet flushes]
[squeals]
[humming]
Oh, hey, what is that?
Is that chum?
It says "No chum."
It's illegal!
Okay. Well, there's no sharks,
so I'm trying to make it a little more fun.
This is supposed to be our lunch. We're gonna eat this later.
It's soup!
What happens if sharks smell chum?
-They go fucking ape shit! -[Missy] Good.
-Give me that! -Hey!
-[grunts] Give me-- -Hey!
-Let go of it, man! -Give me that!
[Missy] Stop it!
-[grunting] -[screams]
[gagging]
[vomits]
[muffled grunting]
[vomiting]
[retching]
[chuckling] Shark!
-Shark! Where? -[laughs]
It's what I do. I find sharks! Yes!
Let's fucking party.
[muffled screaming]
[muffled dialogue]
[muffled panicked whimpering]
[Tim continues whimpering]
[muffled screaming]
I don't know. I liked Free Willy.
Thought it was good. I can see why you wouldn't.
I didn't think the whale was likable. Got to have a likable whale.
I mean, otherwise, if the whale's an asshole, who's gonna care?
[muffled grunts]
[muffled screaming]
[muffled] Fucking asshole!
[dance music playing]
[muffled screaming]
[gasps] Help!
Holy shit! It's in the cage.
-Help! It's a monster! -[Nate] Tim!
[Tim] Help!
Tim!
[grunts]
Fuck you!
[grunting]
You took three fingers, but you left the nub!
-[gasps] -[crowd screams]
[woman] Oh, my God!
[man] Oh, my God.
[Komante panting]
-[gasps] [screaming] -[Nate] Tim!
Oh, my God!
-Get me out! -[Missy] Oh, my God!
-[Tim panting] -Oh, my God! Tim!
-I thought we lost you. -[groans] Get her the fuck off me.
-Wait, wait, wait. -[Tim coughs]
[Rich] Where's Winstone?
[screams]
Oh, my God! You killed him!
[man 1] Get him up.
[man 2] You, in the back, move on back.
Everybody back off. I'm certified in CPR.
Okay, Mr. Winstone.
-[grunts] -Are you sure you should do this?
Back off!
-[Missy panting] -[spits]
[crowd cheering]
Oh!
-Fuck yeah! -Thank God!
Do me next.
Any... Any pretty lady.
Any pretty lady. Do me.
It's wide open. Anybody!
I was just trying to create a magical moment between you and your boss.
Didn't you see that sign that said, "Absolutely no chumming"?
It wasn't chum. It was my throw-up from smelling the chum.
What were you thinking, throwing up, then,
directly over the shark cage that I was in?
You know, you need to take a chill pill, okay?
Oh, why don't you write me a prescription? You're a fucking doctor of 50,000 things.
Actually, I would never write a prescription for something
if I'm not certified to do so.
What? I already said I'm sorry I almost killed your boss.
-What more do you want? -Not to almost kill my boss.
It would be a huge help.
Okay, you know what, Tim?
If you want some girl who's just gonna sit at the hotel
and just be so happy every night
like a boring sack of potatoes you get to fuck
and then she could just not talk all day,
well, then, you brought the wrong Missy!
Oh!
Did I... [scoffs]
-Where are you going? -Oh, fuck you.
-[cell phone chimes] -Jeez.
Oh, snap.
Whoa!
[coughs] [grunts]
[heaving]
[continues heaving]
[coughs]
[Missy] Supposedly, he's 5'7",
which is weird, because his grandma is 6'1".
But it doesn't bother me. I just wear flats around him.
[Tim] Good God, this blab-alanche.
-[Missy] If we ever have kids-- -[Tim] Hey.
Missy.
-Can you come in? -Yeah. Hi, Tim.
Look.
I know you're sorry, okay?
Don't degrade yourself by begging for my forgiveness.
-I'm actually not. -You gotta meet our neighbor, Barbara.
She and her husband heard us going at it last night.
-[mumbles] -They almost called security.
They thought there was a little girl being tortured in here.
-You're the little girl. -Yes, I understand.
Did you? Did you get that?
-In that scenario, yes. -Mm-hmm.
I feel bad for her though.
She said her husband hasn't made a noise like that
since their honeymoon 30 years ago.
So, I gave her some free tips. [clicks tongue]
No, no, don't do that.
-Do what? -Give tips.
People don't like tips.
-People love tips. -No.
-They do. -No.
-They like advice tips. -No.
-Cash tips. -No.
-Your dick tip. -Hey! No. Missy.
-They love your dick tip. -Missy. Missy!
-I'm just try-- -Your dick tip!
-Don't hit it right on-- -Let me touch it!
-You touched it. -You're such a bitch.
Come on. Listen. I'm sorry.
-All right. -Now...
I have to go meet with my team,
and you need to stay away.
-Okay? -Aww. [meows]
This is a real work thing. So, I'm not kidding.
It's perfect, actually.
Barbara and I were talking about going to the spa and having a little girl time.
-Oh, yeah? -Mm-hmm.
That's a good idea.
You should go to a spa,
and then maybe, you know, like canoe out to an island and just chill,
like, if there's one nearby or far.
["Movers & Shapers" plays]
[Tim] All right, great rehearsal, guys,
but remember, we have to give the performance of a lifetime.
There's gonna be a lot of eyes on us at this talent show with Winstone,
so we got to bring it big time.
Let's go get Timmy that job! So we can all keep ours.
That would be nice. We gotta beat The Barracuda.
Come on, hands in. All right. You know the drill.
What are we gonna do tomorrow, guys?
[all] Inspire! Achieve! Together!
I give it a B-plus.
Oh, my God! Look, it's the Navy fat Seals.
[Nate chuckles]
-Hit the gym, guys. -I'm serious.
Tim, I'm looking out for you.
-All right, dude? -Mmm.
When are we gonna get the right Missy here?
I can't, because the wrong Missy is still here.
[sighs] I was hoping you killed her.
No. She's at the spa. She made fast friends with our neighbor.
-What neighbor? -I don't know, the lady right next to us.
Please tell me her name is not Barbara.
I think it is. It is Barbara. Yeah, why? Do you know her?
Fuck!
When I upgraded your suite, I put you right next to Jack Winstone
and his wife...
[singing] Barbara!
Go, go, go, go!
[panicked cry]
[panting]
Peace out.
Come on!
Hi, everybody, I'm Nate.
Ugh. So pathetic.
Missy? Missy!
Missy?
[grunts] [gasps]
Oh, boy.
Wait a second.
You're not my wife!
Swish!
[groans]
Unbelievable.
-[door closes] -Resume.
Hey, there. Did you happen to see a tall brunette girl?
Her name's Missy.
Yeah, um, she already left. But I hope everything's okay.
Why would you say that?
Oh, the older woman who she was with seemed extremely emotional.
-[exhales] -Nobody died, did they?
She's about to.
[door closes]
♪ Nom, na-nom, na-nom ♪
What did you do and what did you say?
-To who? -Barbara, at the spa.
Tim, I love you more than anything, but that's doctor-patient privilege.
-You're not a doctor! -Yes, I am.
I'm a certified marriage counselor.
Of course you are.
Even if you were, she's not your patient.
Actually, she sort of is.
Her husband is an asshole, but he's rich as shit.
She paid me in cash and put me on retainer.
[squeaks] Looks like I got a client.
We came here for your work, but I'm the one doing all the business.
Isn't that crazy?
Do you ever think maybe you're the one
-that needs certified help? -No.
The other day you told me you were gonna jump off a bridge.
That's what you do when you go bungee jumping.
Anybody else want to do this?
I'm bailing.
Where the fuck did the guy go?
You said I saved your life.
You might have. Do you know how many people die bungee jumping?
It's extremely dangerous.
I got your text, and I was like,
"I'm not gonna do anything dangerous ever again because I am loved by someone."
[Tim] Missy.
I need you to tell me exactly what was said in that spa.
I gave Barb the remedy for her relationship.
Which was...
Dump the sorry son of a bitch. Ah!
Shit!
Are you serious?
Yes, of course I'm serious. Have I ever joked around?
I told her not to spend another minute with that guy.
Do you have any idea what you have done?
Mmm, saved someone from a miserable marriage?
You broke up my boss's marriage!
Her husband Jack is Jack...
Winstone! Yes!
Oh, God.
[Winstone] That's it. I am leaving!
[door slams]
[Tim] Shit.
-Oh, Mr. Winstone, Evander Holyfield-- -Shut the fuck up, Stuart.
Evander, he's gonna have to call you back.
Oh, now it's making a lot more sense. [chuckles]
No, this makes no sense, and you need to fix it.
[groans]
Keep 'em coming.
They said they don't have any grenadine left.
Then use fucking syrup. I don't give a shit, Stuart.
Just make sure I get drunk.
[water splashing]
I am so fucked.
Don't worry.
Your girlfriend will fix it.
Hey, Jack.
You look depressed.
I don't want to talk about it.
Mmm, I'm a good listener.
You can tell me anything you want to about Barbara.
[chuckles] Perfect. I have a little fight with my wife,
and it becomes front page news for the whole company.
I'd say the whole hotel, the way you were shouting.
[laughs] You sounded like a psycho.
[chuckles]
[spits]
This tastes like fucking syrup.
-You said if there was no grenadine-- -I would never say anything that stupid!
And Stuart, take some goddamn responsibility in your life, will you?
Okay.
Now, look, someone's been meddling in my marriage.
-Mmm. -And when I find out
who brainwashed my Barbara, I'm gonna have them wiped--
[hisses]
[in evil voice] Barbara was brainwashed by you!
-Oh, good Lord. -Yeah.
Why are you talking that way?
Why? Is it scaring you?
Maybe you need to be scared.
Scared you're gonna lose the only supportive adult relationship
you've ever had?
-All right, stop using that voice. -Stop being a bad husband, Floppy Bags.
[blathers]
Hey! Whoa. Mr. Winstone.
Listen, um, Missy, why don't we give him some space?
Wait just a second. How is it you know so much about me and my marriage?
You're not the one who introduced her to that psycho shrink?
Oh, no.
I am that psycho shrink.
You, you're the one responsible for trying to ruin my marriage?
Marriage is about love. It's about being there.
You need to love her. You have to be present, Jack.
Oh, he can't take it!
He can't take it, everyone.
-I'm starting to like this girl. -You stay the hell away from me.
Oh! [grunting]
-Shit! -Oh! Oh, whoa, whoa.
Oh, fuck!
[groans] My neck.
Get her off me!
[Missy] Relax, everybody.
I'm a certified chiropractic practitioner, okay? I know what I'm doing, okay?
Winstone, we gotta pop this puppy back into place ASAP.
-No, no. -One.
-Don't even think about it. -Two.
Three!
Four!
-Five! -[Winstone grunts]
Okay. You want to get your wife back?
-[groans] -[Missy] Do you?
Well, if you want help, you've got to be willing to accept the help.
-Yeah? -[groans]
You, Barracuda's dumb husband, pick him up, take him up to his room.
-Get in there, you idiot. -Go very easy on him.
[groans]
Tim, call the front desk.
Tell them we need hot towels, a bucket of ice,
and a tub of Vaseline sent up to Winstone's suite.
I'm sorry. What... [pants]
I'm sorry. What happened?
Good morning.
Hey, uh, I'm gonna check out.
No problem. And the missus as well?
She's not the missus.
Ouch. Buyer's remorse, huh?
-Yeah. -Tim, there you are!
Oh, fuck.
I've been looking all over for you.
What are you doing? What's-- What's happening?
I'm going home.
I gotta get back to Portland. I gotta start looking for a new job.
Just breathe, okay?
I spent the entire night last night with Barbara and Winstone.
[groans]
He's a stubborn old mule, but I gave him one very deep release.
You jerked off my boss in front of his wife?
Emotional release. You nasty.
Again, I can't get into it due to the whole doctor-patient thingie,
but he has a lot of demons to work through.
But he also has a really good soul, and he loves you.
Me?
Uh, no, he fucking hates me.
Look at me, Tim.
You told me to fix it,
and I fixed it.
Winstone loves you.
Make some noise, you corporate sluts!
Come on. That's what's up.
[imitates guitar]
-This guy fucking parties. -Anyway, for our next talent show act,
give it up for the northeast sales team
led by Senior VP,
my dude, Tim Morris!
-[audience applauds] -I love that guy!
[laughs]
Yeah.
Yeah. Winstone.
All right. The northeast sales team is going to inspire us
with some shadow dancing.
Ooh.
[Nate] At C of A, we understand financial decisors are difficult.
That's why we have the...
"Best shart"?
What is that, a challenge? [laughs]
[audience applauds]
It's "short."
[Nate] That's right. We are the nation's best short...
Come on. Here it comes.
Termil... Best-- Best short-term loan! Oh, that's good!
That's very good.
Keep it up, Tim!
[whispers] Keep going.
-[Nate] Oh. Ah. Fuck. -[glass shatters]
Hey, Lucy, get me another Mai Tai.
Maybe you need cash for a trip to see Paris.
Like these two lovebirds.
[audience applauds]
Aww. Isn't that sweet?
[Nate] Oh, this is so boring.
-What in the fuck is happening? -[chuckles]
[Nate slurring] Anyway, you can count on us
for that mortgage for your house made of people.
There must be some brilliant minds behind that curtain.
[Tim] Get that thing out of my face.
-Oh, would you relax? I tucked it. -[Tim gagging]
[Nate] It's no secret that Credit of America is among what the--
-[man] Aah! -[audience gasps]
No, that's part of it. That's part of it.
-[man groans] -[audience applauds]
How did he think of that?
[Nate slurring] Whatever life throws at you,
like tax fraud or bath salts,
C of A is here to help, so you can just watch the fireworks.
[audience applauds]
Looks like someone shooting lemons out of their ass.
[Cal Sr. grunts]
-[audience murmurs] -[Cal Sr. grunts]
-[Tim] Get it! -[Cal Sr.] I got it.
-[Tim] Pick it up. -[Cal Sr.] I got it. I got it.
-[squirts] -[Tim] Oh, God!
Oh, that's a fucking squeesh!
People, we're looking at great art.
Let's hear it!
[man grunts] It's so beautiful.
[Nate] All right, the northeast sales team!
Give it up for the northeast sales team!
Woo! Let's hear it for Tim Morris!
I love that guy!
Well done!
Bravissimo. [laughs]
That was amazing!
-All right. What did you do to him? -Mmm, him who?
Winstone, that's who.
What happened in that room last night?
What did you do to make my boss suddenly love me?
Hey, don't discount yourself, Tim. You're extremely lovable.
-Uh-huh. -Let's just say I left him...
totally hypnotized.
So, that's code for you did jerk him off.
No, I'm not gonna jerk off your younger boss.
No. It's code for "I hypnotized him."
You hypnotized him?
And when I was swimming through the depths of his soul,
I found the one thing Jack has an undying love for.
His Nana.
Thus, when he sees you,
he sees Nana.
So, this guy thinks I'm his Nana?
You're welcome.
[microphone feedback]
[coughs]
What's going on?!
-C of A! -[audience applauds]
Yeah! [shouts]
All right, our final act,
the southeast sales group that have composed
a rather expen-- exprensive musical performance
led by their team leader,
the Barracuda of Portland, Jess Sheppard!
-[crowd applauds] -[gags]
-[coughing] -Yeah, I sort of hypnotized him
to only think negative thoughts when he hears her name.
Oh.
["The Right Stuff" playing]
♪ The right staff ♪
♪ First Union was a great bank ♪
♪ C of A, first class ♪
♪ But now that we've united ♪
♪ You know we will kick ass ♪
♪ We got the right staff ♪
♪ Baby ♪
♪ Low interest loans will put a smile on ♪
♪ Jess Sheppard's got the right staff ♪
[retching]
♪ Baby ♪
[retches] [coughs]
♪ Jack Winstone is why we sing this song ♪
♪ For all your banking needs ♪
♪ We'll be there for you ♪
♪ She's Jess Sheppard ♪
[retches]
♪ She's so right ♪
[Winstone coughs]
♪ We all know I deserve An office with a view ♪
♪ This girl's work ethic ♪
♪ Is out of sight ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪
Swish!
♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ The right staff ♪
One more time, Jess Sheppard!
[retches]
-[Winstone retching] -[laughs]
Okay, that concludes our "shalent" show.
Tim clearly won, am I right?
-That's amazing. -[Winstone retching]
But it better not be dangerous.
No, the second you want it to end,
you just say the magic phrase, and he snaps out of it.
But what if someone accidentally says it first?
No one's gonna say it.
It's "Hairy werewolf vagina with yellow teeth and a tongue."
-Good God. That's what it is? -Yeah.
♪ There she is, Miss A-Maryland ♪
-Oh, my God. -[laughs]
Hey, how about our boy Tim Morris, huh?
I love this guy!
-[Tim laughs] -[Winstone inhales]
[Winstone] You make me feel safe.
I hope you never die.
But, as we all know,
behind every good man
is an even better woman.
You better take good care of this little lady.
-[laughs] -She's one of a kind, Tim.
-Aww. -That's very true.
-Keep it coming. -[both laugh]
[laughs]
Oh!
Wow. That's nice.
We'll catch you two later. See you.
He said my name right.
Mm-hmm.
Who are you?
I'm Doctor Missy,
and I'm prescribing you some Hawaiian lobster nachos, Tim Morris.
-[Winstone] Love that guy! -[laughs]
Jess Sheppard.
[Winstone retching]
Let's go.
♪ Come along, darling ♪
♪ Jump on your feet, don't lie down ♪
♪ 'Cause it's not easy... ♪
So, you're a hypnotist, paramedic, therapist, a psychic,
-a sherpa, what else? -[laughs]
I can do close-up magic. Hmm?
-Oh. They're right here. -Okay.
-Ready? [laughs] -Yeah.
-They're not there. [laughs] -Oh!
-Gotcha! -What the fuck?
-They're right here. -Where do you learn this stuff?
[sighs]
Well, when my dad passed away, I was... kind of lonely.
And, uh, somebody told me that classes were a really good way to meet people,
so I signed up for a bunch of stuff and kind of became a jack-of-all-trades.
-That's nice. -Yeah.
Yeah, I kind of found out the jack part on the plane.
Oh, yeah, yeah, that jacking. Yeah. [laughs]
Yeah, no, that was self-taught.
-Oh, really? -On a banana.
Made it peel every time.
-Oh! -Yeah. [laughs]
With me, you should have practiced on a string bean.
Yeah! [laughs]
[continues laughing]
-I was kidding. -No, you're right!
-No, I was-- -[laughs]
That's exactly the size.
-The worst reaction you could've made. -[laughing] Sorry.
-It's average for my height and weight. -Yeah, okay. [laughs]
[both laugh]
-Yeah, yeah. -[Missy] Yeah.
So, are you ready to tell me why you don't drink?
I can tell you. I mean...
I'm a little crazy, too.
-Really? -Yeah.
Okay.
I drink, I get drunk, and then I...
walk on my hands.
Hmm. Okay, well, that doesn't sound too dangerous.
It does when you walk on your hands off the roof of your frat house.
Okay, I feel like you're making shit up right now. I'm not--
No, I-- Seriously, I fell 30 feet.
No, I'm talking about you getting accepted into a frat.
-I don't-- -Oh, that. Yeah.
I don't believe it.
-That's a good burn. -Yeah, yeah.
[cell phone chimes]
-[inhales] -Hang on.
Who's that?
It's nobody.
Is it your grandma? Checking in on you?
Sending me some tasteful nudes.
[both laugh]
No, she's just making sure I'm treating you right.
Hmm. You're gonna be treating me right tonight.
So you better get your grandma out of your mind.
-Uh-oh. -[Missy] Uh-oh.
We gonna fuck.
[both laugh]
Okay.
♪ Dance the night away ♪
-♪ To this island reggae ♪ -♪ Come on, come on, come on, come on ♪
♪ And let's dance, dance, dance ♪
♪ Dance, dance ♪
I'm gonna put a hot tub in the garage, I decided.
["Utu Bang Bang" playing]
[humming]
Mmm, yeah.
[grunts]
Okay.
-[knocking on door] -Hmm!
Hmm.
Oh.
Hmm, oh! Hey, ex-lover.
[exhales] I'm sorry to bother you.
I was just, um, actually hoping to have a quick word with Tim?
Uh-huh, yeah, he went to get some weed.
We're about to have a real fuck fest.
-Oh, God. -Yeah.
We thought it'd be more fun to be stoned while we eat each other.
Wow. Okay. Um, it's not a problem, I'll just-- I'll talk to him another time.
No, no, no! He'll be back in a minute.
Come on in.
You know his old tricks. Maybe you can give me a few pointers. [chuckles]
-Guess if it's just for a second. -Yeah.
He's not some freak, right? Like, I'm not gonna have to grease up his ass
and slide him around a hardwood floor, am I?
-No. -Okay.
-So, I don't have any actual bud. -[sighs]
Because airport security would've clipped me, dude.
So, I do have weed toothpaste.
Wait.
Weed deodorant.
Wait.
Weed chapstick. And this is the best, Tim.
-Weed hair-growth foam. -[chuckles]
Dude, you put it on your hair. Your hair grows as you get high as fuck.
[chuckles] You're so weird.
It works.
I put some on my pubes. I got the biggest bush in the whole fucking island.
[chuckles]
-Komante's been crashing with me. -Yeah.
And I'm going back with you.
-No, I said maybe, Komante. I said maybe. -What?
-Staying with you. -No. I said maybe.
-You didn't say maybe. -I did say maybe.
Maybe what?
[sighs] Anyway, what's the deal?
Why are you not responding to Miss Maryland? What are you doing?
I think I'm starting to like Missy.
What?
I know. I know. I-I don't know.
[Komante] Bang 'em both.
Hey, I got-- Here are some weed condoms. Just use them. I'm not gonna use them.
-No, I'm good. I'll just... -[Komante] Let me put them on you.
-No. -[Komante] Let me see your dick.
No.
[Nate] Komante.
-Reapplying. -[Nate] Oh, my--
-Read the fucking thing. It says re-apply. -Oh, my God.
-You got me this fucking high. You did. -[Nate] Komante, I--
He is, though. He does that!
-[laughs] I know! -Did he do that with you?
-Every single night. -That's what I was wondering.
I couldn't tell if it was new or something-- Oh!
Perfect timing. We were just talking about you. [chuckles]
At least now I know what's been bothering you this whole trip.
How could you not be bothered
by a breakup with a babe like this? I mean, seriously!
I see everything you saw in this stunning woman.
-You have a very special lady over here. -[purring]
-[laughs] -[Missy giggles]
Join us. Come on.
Get in here!
[laughs] I don't know.
-[laughs] Okay. -[Tim laughs]
Now, thanks to a little liquid courage...
-[Julia] Mmm. -...our little Lady Lu here confided in me
that she still harbors pretty strong feelings for you.
And I'm pretty sure you have feelings for her, too.
Now, I'm no certified sex therapist,
at least not yet. Two classes left. [laughs]
-[laughs] -But from my experience,
I know the only way to see if there's either a future
or to have absolute closure,
is to "ride the bus."
What's-- What's that, ride the bus?
B-U-S.
Breakup sex.
-Oh. [laughs] -[Missy laughs] Yeah.
Come on, you can't tell me you don't still have feelings for her.
Okay. You know what? I...
This is... I-I don't feel comfortable.
-This is weird. -Bitch.
-Okay. Don't worry. It's fine. -Missy, I'm not gonna have you...
wait outside the room while I have some breakup sex with my ex.
I'm not going outside, you fucking moron.
I'm gonna fuck both of you!
It's about the three of us.
-[Tim] Oh. -It's the only way for us
to move forward.
It's time to ride the bus, Tim. We saved you the best seat.
On our faces.
-[laughs] Come on. -Wha...
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
-[Tim laughs] -Oh, did you get the weed?
Ish.
[blues cover of "My Neck, My Back" playing]
♪ All you ladies Pop your pussy like this ♪
♪ Shake your body Don't stop, don't miss ♪
♪ All you ladies Pop your pussy like this ♪
♪ Shake your body Don't stop, don't miss ♪
♪ Just do it ♪
♪ Do it ♪
♪ Do it, do it, do it now ♪
♪ Right now ♪
♪ Lick it good ♪
♪ Suck this pussy just like you should ♪
♪ My neck, my back ♪
♪ Lick my pussy and my crack ♪
♪ My neck, my back ♪
♪ Lick my pussy and my crack ♪
♪ First you gotta put your neck into it ♪
♪ Don't stop, just do it, do it... ♪
[grunts]
Oh!
♪ From the crack up to the front ♪
♪ Then you suck it all Till I shake and cum ♪
♪ Make sure I keep busting nuts... ♪
[grunts]
♪ All over your face and stuff ♪
♪ Got me making so much love ♪
♪ So lick it now ♪
♪ Lick it good... ♪
Oh! [grunts]
♪ Suck this pussy just like you should ♪
♪ Right now, lick it good ♪
♪ Suck this pussy just like you should ♪
♪ My neck, my back ♪
♪ Lick my pussy and my crack ♪
♪ My neck, my back ♪
♪ Lick my pussy and my crack ♪
[song ends]
[Tim laughs]
I still can't believe what happened last night.
I don't think I really knew what I was doing.
Yeah, I know. At one point, you were dry humping the outlet.
-[laughs] It was dark! -[laughs]
I didn't know what was happening!
I'm excited about this next party.
I know. This is the main event. It'll be fun.
[Missy] I think you might be a bit over-dressed.
I know people are kind of on the fence, but the merger's gonna be huge, dude.
It's gonna help all of us. We're gonna crush it.
It's really exciting to see how it plays out.
[horn sounds]
What the fu--?
-Hmm. -Hmm.
Rich, what the hell's going on here? It's supposed to be a pig roast.
No, Winstone changed the whole party last minute.
He said he wants everyone to get back
to a time before society told you what you can and can't do.
That's weird. Why are you staring at this tree, though?
Fucking Winstone put me in a time-out.
[exhales] I still got ten minutes left.
Carry on.
So, you had a part in this.
Winstone was so concerned with what everyone thought about him,
and he wanted to think more freely.
So while he was hypnotized, I told him to throw away the restraints of adulthood.
-Guess he ran with it. -Mr. Morris?
Mr. Winstone's conducting interviews in the ocean.
He would like for you to be next,
or he'll tell everyone you still sleep with a nightlight.
Thank you, giraffe.
You're welcome.
I think we need to look into selling asset-backed securities.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Uh, tell me underwater.
I'm sorry?
Tell me underwater. We're mermaids.
But you won't be able to understand me.
Of course I will.
We're mermaids.
[exhales] What?
[garbled dialogue]
So?
I didn't like it,
but thanks for coming by.
[sighs]
[grunts]
-How'd it go? -Crushed it.
Are you sure?
The fish are whispering.
Oh!
[groans]
Shit. Sorry.
This fucking sucks.
Yeah, it's an abuse of power.
Come on, Tim!
-Gosh. -[Winstone] Attaboy!
Good job!
Come on out here!
[Tim grunts]
That's it! Use that flipper!
-[Tim grunting] -[laughs]
You're a beautiful mermaid, Morris.
-[laughs] -[Tim] Coming!
[Winstone] Swim free, my boy, swim free!
-Yes! -[gasps]
Way to let out your inner child! I love it!
[laughs]
Now listen, Tim,
I am well aware that you want to be president of sales,
but I have to be honest with you, Jess' numbers are much better than yours.
She's an excellent motivator,
and she's a pretty damn good underwater talker.
But I get the feeling that you're the type of guy
that would bring me soup when I'm sick, you know?
Yes.
Sure, that's...
Of course.
Tell me stories about how you met Grandpa after World War II.
[laughs] Yeah.
Let me eat as much chocolate as I wanted, no matter what Mom and Dad said.
Y-Yeah.
And that's why I've decided to go with my gut.
You up for it?
Me? Yeah! Oh, my God!
Come on. Give your grandson a hug!
-[laughs] -Okay.
Ah!
[both laughing]
[both continue laughing]
[children's music plays in the background]
I don't know what witchcraft you whipped up with Winstone,
but obviously, it worked.
Oh, good. I'm glad you noticed.
I'm sorry. I can't do anything for your husband's eye, though.
[Jess chuckles] Yeah.
You're not much of a psychic, are you?
You don't even know you're not supposed to be here.
I mean, I know he's, like, in a trance or whatever,
but he felt pretty real about it.
Either way, we're gonna definitely celebrate.
So, let me get the sand out of places it shouldn't be,
and then we're going to dinner. All right?
And you know what, why don't you bring your friend Hellstar?
She might be hungry.
[in evil voice] Tell her we're gonna have dinner,
entree, and a dessert.
Because I'm Claudio of the Darkness.
[in normal voice] That's horrible. I don't know how to do it.
You do it better. You have to teach me, okay? It hurts my throat.
[shower running]
["Please" playing]
♪ I see you when I see you ♪
♪ It hurts to never know ♪
♪ 'Cause maybe you'll come running... ♪
Missy.
After dinner, do you want to see a local band I heard about?
That might be fun.
What do you think?
Missy?
[sighs]
Shit.
Missy?
Missy.
I made it!
Surprise! [squeals]
[mouthing] Fuck you!
[Melissa] Oh!
Oh, my God! It's so good to see you. That flight took forever.
I'm so happy your friend Jess called me yesterday and told me to come here.
It's gorgeous!
Want to take a starving girl to lunch?
That's so great. I mean, the new president of C of A.
You must be over the moon. Did they give you a big, new office?
Um, I... I don't know yet.
-Well, either way, very exciting. -[waiter] All right, here we go.
A virgin piña colada and six shots of whiskey.
Oh.
I thought you didn't drink.
-Oh, these aren't for me. [laughs] -Oh.
Hmm.
What were you saying?
-I just, uh... -[groans]
Wow.
-I really don't want this one. -Yeah. I see that.
[shot glasses clatter]
Mmm.
Wow.
Are you okay?
Hey, do you want to see my hidden talent?
Okay. Yeah. Yeah, sure.
I need a breadstick for this. I don't.
All right, here we go.
[groans]
Yeah.
[grunts]
[laughs]
-Wow. -[Tim grunts]
[grunting]
-[panting] -Look at you.
-Walking away on your hands. -[Tim] I'm doing it! Look!
-Watch the corners. -[Tim] Oh!
[grunts] [screams]
Oh!
[gasps] Tim!
Aah!
[groans]
Aah!
Aah.
[exhales]
["Elodie" playing]
♪ Elodie, it's been a while ♪
♪ Giving up on love ♪
♪ That's not my style ♪
♪ And with a heavy heart ♪
♪ I come back to say ♪
♪ I'm another man, I'm another one... ♪
[Melissa] Tim! Tim!
Tim! Are you okay?
Hey. Oh, it's you.
Hi.
No. You know what? I'm not okay. Nothing's okay.
-Did I do something wrong? -[chuckles]
No. [inhales]
You're perfect.
We read the same books. We laugh at the same jokes.
We're both tens.
You're fucking hot.
But I met somebody else,
and she's loud, and she's borderline psychotic.
She carries a knife. But I think I'm falling in love with her.
I don't know, but I'm sorry.
Tim, it's all good.
I mean, we made out in a janitor's closet.
I think I'll be okay.
So where is this girl?
Oh, she... she took off. She...
She flew off. I broke her heart!
What? She flew back? I was supposed to be on her flight!
I gotta fucking move here now? God!
Hey, can you pop that ankle back into place?
I don't know how to do that.
Exactly.
["This Life" playing]
♪ Baby, I know pain Is as natural as the rain... ♪
[phone chimes]
♪ Baby, I know love Isn't what I thought it was... ♪
[phone chimes]
♪ 'Cause I've never known A love like this before ya ♪
♪ Baby, I know dreams tend to crumble... ♪
[phone chimes]
♪ I just thought our dream would last A little bit longer... ♪
[phone chimes]
[Missy on video] Live your life. You need to quit your job, so... Okay!
You need to quit. Start over. Start fresh.
You're all little sheep. Live your life!
Mr. Winstone? Tim Morris is here.
I love that guy.
Well, Tim, excited about the new gig?
You've really been kicking ass.
Hairy werewolf vagina with yellow teeth and a tongue.
Wait a second. You're not my Nana!
-Yeah. -Get the fuck out of here.
I will pack up my office now.
♪ This life ♪
♪ And all its suffering ♪
[song ends]
["Tradition" playing in the background]
[phone chimes]
Hey, what's up?
You're Vanilla Ice.
Shut the fuck up.
-Care to join me? -More than anything in the world!
Okay. Two shots of tequila.
-We're gonna fucking party. -Wow.
-You put some ice-ice in there? -You put-- Yeah!
[both laugh]
Put ice-ice in it, baby! Yeah!
Oh, my God.
Wow, are we gonna fuck tonight?
[Vanilla Ice laughs]
Why are you even on a dating app?
Playa's gotta play.
[both laugh]
"Playa's gotta--"
Hey, Missy.
What the fuck are you doing here?
That was me texting you. I was the one.
No. It was Vanilla Ice texting me.
No. I was playing your joke on you.
Like we did when I met you.
No.
The text said black hat and black sweatshirt,
not shameless wig.
Bye.
[stammers] It wasn't me.
It was you, Rob.
I wish it was, but good luck with shrimp-stick here.
You're my date?
Yeah.
Fuck.
God, he was so hot.
And I'm not talking to you.
Wait, I just want to tell you that...
I miss you,
and-- and I'm really sorry about what happened.
-Okay. -Look, no. Let me just...
Can't I get a second chance?
I don't know, Tim.
Look, I don't want to be the guy that's always serious.
Or letting my boss' approval
just overshadow everything that should mean something in my life.
And that's why I quit my job today.
I mean, fuck, I want to travel.
I want to go out and... be free.
I want to be fun.
I want to be unapologetic about who I am.
I want to have strong opinions about things I know nothing about.
I want to carry a machete. I want to...
[exhales]
I want to be like you.
I never meant for any of this to happen, but I'm glad it did.
It's only been a couple weeks, but...
I don't like my life as much without you.
Would you accept this rose?
Okay, but later tonight, I'm fuckfacing you with Vanilla.
Why don't we have the real thing join us?
Not a chance, shrimp-dick.
-Did he say no? Embarrassing. -[laughs]
[man] I got a chai smoothie for J.J.
["I Can Feel It" playing]
♪ There's something in the air I sense it ♪
♪ Like the wind, it changed directions ♪
♪ I can hear a storm, it's rumbling ♪
♪ Sounds like a freight train coming ♪
♪ Oh, it's a current, electric A fire, magnetic ♪
♪ The city streets at night ♪
♪ An eruption, explosion An earthquake, commotion ♪
♪ A gamma ray burst of light ♪
♪ I can feel it ♪
♪ Oh, it's like the stars aligned ♪
♪ I can feel it ♪
♪ Tonight's the night I come alive ♪
♪ I can feel it ♪
♪ It's all coming into my view ♪
♪ My eyes see for miles, I'm on the move ♪
♪ Look now, the water's raging ♪
♪ It feels like the tides are changing ♪
♪ Can you feel it? ♪
♪ Oh, it's like the stars aligned ♪
♪ I can feel it ♪
♪ Tonight's the night I come alive ♪
♪ I can feel it ♪
We are on the right track to Portland, right, Komante?
Oh, yeah, this is definitely-- This is the route.
I've taken it before... I think.
[Cal Sr.] Well, when we left, the GPS said we'd be there in 12 days.
[Komante] Twelve days, weeks, it's all pretty good.
We'll be there in no time, just right up here on the coast.
-[Cal Sr.] I don't see any coast. -[Komante] What?
[Cal Sr.] I don't see any... I don't see the coast.
[Komante] But when you see the coast, you just make a right on the coast.
[Cal Sr.] I gotta tell you, I'm starting to lose a little confidence here.
[Komante] Don't do that. Maybe if you're a little more confident,
you'd have a little more hair.
I got this foam, and it really works.
I'm surprised you haven't noticed my overflowing pubes.
-[Cal Sr.] Is that what that is? -[Komante] Yes.
[Cal Sr.] I thought you were wearing a belt.
[Komante] It ain't no belt. Try to pull on it. Go ahead. It's as good as a belt.
[Cal Sr.] No, it's okay. Let's just keep paddling.
[Komante] When the sun goes down, you tug all you want.
[upbeat instrumental music playing]
[instrumental music plays]
[music ends]