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Bob Rubin, I can't believe it. The last time I saw you was the '80s.
What was it? The Shoreline Amphitheater? You were dressed like a pink poodle,
and you jumped through a flaming hoop.
Yeah, I don't do that anymore.
Wow, Bob Rubin, I saw you at a nightclub 15 years ago.
You had a bottle of Jack Daniels in your hand.
You preformed for three hours.
Yeah, I don't do that anymore.
Whoa, Bob Rubin, is that you?
Dude, we did acid together in Golden Gate Park
at the Summer of Love reunion.
You wanna do some?
You wanna talk to God?
Nah, I don't do that anymore.
Whoa.
Ah hah!
Yeah!
Lighten up, everybody! The Old Rube's here!
Miniature golf, pitch and putt, par three, this madness has to end.
We have to stop puttering around and drive towards closing this wedge.
It's not a trap, and it's not rough, it's easy.
And it's the fairway.
You cannot petition a ball that's landed in the water.
The fish don't have to die!
Anyone can wear a green jacket.
I'm talking about love, love, love.
Come on, people! Now, smile on your putter!
Everybody get together, learn to live in a clown's nose right now!
The man's gonna come along,
and he's gonna try to take away all your childlike qualities
and steal all your hope.
Miniature golf didn't have to grow up!
You didn't have to take away the windmills and the zigzags and the railings.
You didn't have to make it tedious and boring.
It used to be fun!
You moved the hedge stones, but you never moved the bodies, did you?
There used to be a clothes line with a blanket over it,
and you'd stand there with your little fishing pole,
and then you'd take your string line and you'd drop it over,
and Grandma would tape a fish to the end of it.
That used to be sports fishing, but you made that grow up too!
Now, it's suffocate that bastard to within an inch of its life,
throw it back in, and Grandma's spinning in her grave!
Oh, the IRS, second mortgages, high interest rates, credit card debts,
the one percent.
What's my point? What's my point?
My point is, I meant to come out and say, "Hi, how you guys doing tonight?"
Hey, uh…
They think I'm getting booed.
Hey, did you ever see a carpenter get really angry and have a hissy fit?
No.
It's called the hammer throw.
What is this guy? I feel sorry for this guy.
What does he do when the Olympics just passes him by?
"Look at me, I can throw the hammer further than anybody.
But I'm living in poverty!"
There's no Hammer Capades. There's no pro hammer tour.
There's no hammer throw on ice.
This guy's fucked. But you know what?
Two days out of every four years, he's the king of the world!
What does he care? There's guys on TV playing cards,
and he's on food stamps. He doesn't care.
And that's not even what I wanted to talk about because the…
The crime rate
in the synchronized swimming community is skyrocketing!
What are they gonna do after the Olympics, you know?
Uh, Maybe get a gig at Dolphin World?
Or maybe get a gig in a fountain in front of a Vegas hotel,
living half their life below sea level?
It's just terrible.
Let me tell you something. I saw a woman on the street,
and she had on a swimsuit, a swim cap,
had a nose plug and an open guitar case.
She was on her back with her legs in the air,
and she was furiously kicking them.
In a rhythmic fashion, but just furiously kicking away, boy.
Oh, it made me sad, I gave her a dollar.
I went to an Indian casino…
and I went there to take back what they've been taking back...
what we took in the first place. But now, they're way ahead.
Oh, but they tricked me again.
Oh, sure, man.
They're raking it in.
And I don't even know why I go,
because they're just like the Vegas casinos, you know?
I expect these, uh…
I expect these casinos to be a little more tribal, you know?
I don't know, like, their pit bosses to be dressed in some sort of a…
pit boss shaman skin, you know? And…
Well, you're sitting there, you're playing blackjack, boy,
and you got a nine and five, and the dealer's showing a seven.
You don't know what to do, stand pat or take a hit.
And you look at the pit boss shaman, and he starts to go into a trance.
Now he starts chanting.
Then he hands you a petrified wooden ladle made by the ancient ones.
And you drink from the boiling mushroom concoction.
And now, suddenly, you're out running with the elk and deer.
Shit, you are an elk and deer.
And you're out there running around in a crystal redwood forest,
and then you turn into a centaur.
And now you're running around, and you're a centaur.
And then you replace Robert Goulet on the national touring show of Camelot.
And then you look below your hooves, and the emerald green field
gives way to a swirling hot light.
And you see the woman that you love. You look right into her eyes,
and she reaches into the void
and pulls you out of the pit of nothingness.
And then you kiss, and a strong wind blows and turns you both into sand.
And then, suddenly, you're back in your chair,
covered in sweat, and you yell out, "Hit me!"
You get a seven, that's 21.
Dealer flips a nine, that's 16. He pulls a ten, 26. Busted!
And as the chill still tingling up your spine,
the pit boss shaman leans in and says two words,
"Breakfast comped."
You gotta take care of yourself, boy.
That's why I've been enduring all these years.
Just the little things, really. For instance, breakfast time.
I don't butter my cheesecake anymore.
And I went and got a NutriBullet.
These things are small.
Very lovely item. I keep mine in my pants.
So, I've got mine in my pants, so I can come over to your house
and go into your kitchen, and sit on your counter,
because it's small enough to use everyday.
Are you gonna want to enjoy that? Of course you are.
Now, how's that for convenience?
Now, what if we took Einstein's Theory of Relativity,
made that small enough to fit on your countertop.
Do you think you'd want to use that everyday?
I think you would. You've got E equals MC squared,
and you've got a strange man with a NutriBullet in his pants.
You're out there, traveling the speed of light,
going back and forth, and every time you come back,
all your friends are dead, and you're enjoying delicious smoothies
out of a strange man's pants.
Now, how much would you pay for all that?
But you know what? It's convenient, you know,
and it is healthy, but I really...
You know, they had this guy on a long time ago and...
My favorite infomercial of all time...
They have this guy on the Juiceman Juicer, yeah…
Yeah, boy, he was one intense little fella.
You know, he was old.
I figure, back then, he was probably pushing 116, 117.
You know, you had gray skin, very leathery, very tan.
And had silver hair slicked back,
and he had lightening bolts for eyebrows, boy.
He's kind of bug-eyed. Really intense, you know?
And I said, "Shit, I gotta order this thing."
You know? It's late at night, I'm a little high, he's bug-eyed,
I gotta take it, or otherwise he'll just kill me
with his lightning bolts and…
Two weeks go by,
I don't get anything, man. I don't get the Juiceman Juicer.
Then one morning, I'm laying in bed, I got a weird feeling
there's somebody else in the room. You've had that feeling before.
Then I bolt upright in bed, whoa! There on the corner was the Juiceman.
They screwed up, man. Instead of sending me the Juiceman Juicer,
they sent me him.
"Get up, Rube. I got a good one.
First of all, thanks for buying the product.
Anyhow, this a great way to start your day.
We got apple, carrot, parsley,
and this circus peanut.
Because you can't just eat the fleshy center of that orange treat.
You gotta eat the peanut skin, boy,
because that's where all the phytonutrients are
that feed the trillions of living cells.
Look at me, I'm in the same shape I was when I blew fife in the Revolutionary War.
Oh, yeah, start juicing. You're gonna see the energy,
you're gonna see the difference, you're gonna see the healing,
you're gonna see brightly colored spinning soccer balls,
popping out out of nowhere!
Yes, sir, boy.
Hey, here's a good one for street performers.
A college degree you'll never use, crushed velvet…
parsley, in a puppet,
'cause you can't just eat the fleshy puppet center.
You gotta juice the puppet skin, boy.
Because that's where the trillions of nutrients are.
Live food, living cells…
living people, living food…
uh, rock operas, diesel fuel.
I'm a very disturbed man, and I need help now!
This is a good one for you, Rube. I'm not bullshitting you, here.
This will really get you going.
Cherry-flavored dust of the bones of people who have lived before us.
A box full of earlobes from the heads of young virgins…
parsley…"
"...and a 13-foot python,
because you can't just juice, you gotta ride the snake, baby!"
Whoo!
Juiceman, you gotta go home.
I was in the hospital, and they said…
They said, "That's it, man. You're done drinking."
They said, "You and alcohol don't mix anymore."
Yeah, they said, "You can't have another drink as long as you live."
And I just looked at him and said…
"Don't tell me what to do, this is the gift shop."
But I went back to the doc...
I went... I did go to see a doctor. And he said... He goes, "Well..."
He goes, "Bob, your levels are pretty high."
And I said, "What are you... Are you kidding me, doc?
I was born a little bit high.
What are you trying to tell me?"
He said, "Well, your oligarchy levels are off the charts.
Your feudal system is weak."
I said, "Give it to me straight, doc. What is it? Am I pan seared?
Is there something wrong with my brain? What's going on?"
And I told the doc, I said,
"Look at me. I swear to God,
I try to take care of myself, but it's impossible,
'cause they're tweaking the wheat."
Oh, yeah, I gave up eating processed foods,
I gave up my Cheese Whiz,
I gave up my bologna, I gave it all up, but it doesn't matter anymore,
'cause they're tweaking the wheat.
It doesn't matter.
It's not your grandparents' wheat anymore, man.
There's nothing you can do to be healthy,
because even when you try, they'll get you,
because they're tweaking the wheat!
It says in the Bible, "Ezekiel... Eat the Ezekiel bread."
You know, because…
Ezekiel bread doesn't matter anymore, because they're tweaking that wheat.
They're tweaking the Bible bread.
They're tweaking the Bible bread!
I don't know if it really said that in a Bible. I've never read a Bible.
I did snort a line off of one once in the...
You know, sometimes, just through the process of "nose-mosis,"
you just pick things up, you know?
And, you know, it just... There's nothing you can do, man.
They're tweaking the wheat. It's not our grandparents wheat.
So, they're tweaking the wheat, you can't get healthy.
And now, they're tweaking the dogs.
That's right, man. They're tweaking the dogs.
I... Sitting out in front of a cafe and I see a dog walk by,
it's got knobs on it.
And I'm not using a metaphor for some sort of low-hanging genitals.
No, no, I'm talking about, like, a Fender amp dog.
A dog you can turn up!
And the lady is walking by with her dog, acting like nothing is going on.
And I'm like, "Am I losing my freaking mind?
Because I don't get it."
I don't get it.
I know we live in the country that's the United States of Ostriches,
and everybody's hiding in the sand,
pretending none of this is going on. But they're tweaking the wheat,
and they're tweaking the dogs, and I couldn't take it anymore.
And I stood up, and I yelled out, "Hey, lady, there's knobs on your dog!"
And she just looked at me like I was trying to hit on her.
They're tweaking the wheat…
but I still don't butter my cheesecake.
And I've been dyeing my hair, I'll admit it.
Yeah, I've been using "Just for Mennonites."
Oh, you kidding me?
Ever since I've been using Just for Mennonites…
every woman wearing a bonnet has been chasing after my tool box.
"Looking good, Brother Rube.
Need help raising your barn?"
And then, my head wasn't feeling right, and I went to the doctor, and he said,
"Oh, your head is not feeling right. Here, take this. This is binopozin.
It'll make you feel better."
I took the binopozin, I didn't feel any better.
I wake up one night, and my legs are down $10,000 at the craps table.
I went back to the doctor and told him.
He said, "Oh, yeah, that's crazy gambling leg syndrome."
He said, "Here, take this pill, because, of course, that should help."
And, you know I... woke up one night, and my legs were at the nickel slots,
and they were up a hundred bucks, but I kept hallucinating
that I was out on the road opening up for Foghat.
And he said, "Oh, yeah, that's opening for Foghat syndrome.
You're gonna need to take a slow ride re-uptake
and a COX-3 inhibitor."
And I said, "Whoa, with the COX inhibitor."
And he said, "I knew you were gonna say that,
because that's your fear of pills talking.
And we gotta pill for that, it's called Neural Conundrum."
Jesus Christ, man, It used to be real simple.
One pill made you larger, and one pill made you small.
And if you were small, you got over it, and you moved on with your life.
You ever been driving your car, and you think to yourself,
"Wow, this could be my job, thank you, Uber"?
Hey, you ever been washing a dish, and you…
think to yourself, "Wow, this could be my job.
Thank you, Uber.
I'll just wash this dish, all the dishes I can get my hands on, man.
Just let everybody bring me dishes and I'm gonna wash 'em"?
You ever cook a meal for your friends and family,
and then you serve it to 'em, then you think to yourself,
"Whoa, this could be my job.
Thank you, Uber. What are you doing to me, Uber?
What the hell's going on here?"
You ever been sitting in your cubicle for eight hours a day at work
because that's what you do, and then you think to yourself,
"Wow, this could be my job.
I could work at my job for another eight or 16 hours
on top of actually working at my job, and my work can become my life,
my life can become my work.
Uber. Uber. Uber."
Hey, you ever been the leader of Germany, and you accidentally invade Poland?
♪ Deutschland über alles ♪
♪ Über, Über, Über ♪
Hey, you ever been pushing a rock up a mountain for all of eternity,
and you stop and you say to yourself,
"Wow, this could be my job.
What the hell are you doing to me, Uber?"
"Coming soon from Uber:
standardized gray uniforms,
so whether you're pushing a rock up a hill,
accidentally invading Poland,
working at your job by working at your job,
washing a dish, cooking a meal, or driving your car,
you'll all look the same, part of the Uber team.
Uber: we're German, and we're coming to get you."
♪ Uber, Uber, Uber ♪
♪ I made it out of... ♪
Hey, wow!
"My heart and soul…
have been poisoned for so long, now.
I don't know how it started.
I need to step outside my body,
and dip my rotting spirit…
into the warm, rushing waves of humanity's caress…
absorbing the moisture of fearlessness and honesty.
So leave me a beep, and I'll get right back to you. Beep."
Oh, yeah, that'll scare away creditors, boy.
Send them on a super freak-out.
Oh, you ever been on stage, using a microphone, talking to people,
and you think to yourself, "Whoa, this could be my job"?
I've had different ways of looking at my job.
You know, I gotta tell you something. I saw a clip of myself from 20 years ago,
and apparently, I thought back then
that people just paid to watch me drink and smoke.
And now, since they changed the laws, I gotta use words and other such trickery.
Hey, you know why you can't smoke at bar anymore?
Me! I'm the reason.
I still remember when they lowered the blood alcohol content from .10 to .08.
I said, "No problem, I'll just put on another 75 pounds."
It's a math problem.
That's all it is.
And I'm not saying that makes it any easier, boy, 'cause…
you know, math is hard.
It's the universal language.
Everything runs on math, that's how we figure everything out.
That's why this country is in such shite, because we're terrible at math!
I mean, out of 200 nations on this planet, we rank 193rd.
I don't even know if those numbers are correct.
Oh, that's how bad I suck at math.
But I found a problem on the internet,
and I tell you, it's a third grade math problem, okay?
Third-grade level.
So what I'm gonna do is, I'm gonna tell it for you now,
and see if anybody can guess it, okay?
Okay, good. This is third-grade level, so it shouldn't…
It shouldn't be too hard.
A man…
imprisoned by his own self-awareness,
boards a train in New York bound for Chicago.
He is carrying an empty notebook
that he must fill with brutally-honest, soul-wrenching poetry…
before he reaches Chicago.
He's wearing a cape with a raven on it.
The train is traveling at a speed that is unknown.
Meanwhile…
on a warm day at Venice beach,
a patchouli-reeking folk singer is playing his songs for passersby.
Oh, at the end of the day, he asked a palm reader
for a ride back in Hollywood,
not realizing neither one of them knows where they are!
Now, neither the tortured poet or the patchouli-reeking folk singer
would ever make it to Chicago.
So, the question that must be answered is: Who will get there first?
I'll tell you who will get there first. Nobody.
It doesn't matter, to hell with it.
To hell with the whole goddamn math problem,
the hell with math itself, the hell with the train,
the hell with the folk singer,
the hell with the poet, the hell with the cape,
the hell with the r...
Raven, we'll keep the raven.
I like ravens.
The hell with the whole damn thing. It really doesn't matter, you know?
Six of one, half a dozen of another. Am I right?
Yeah!
You can lead a horse to water, but you better be strong and determined
if you're gonna drown the damn thing.
When in Rome, stay in a hotel.
You build your castles out of sand. You're playing on a beach.
Jack be nimble, Jack be quick.
Then you can kick down my office door, demand a raise.
Sticks and stones might break my bones but so would an 80-pound carrot!
Folks!
Well, let's face it…
if it weren't for me,
these clothes would be in a pile, right there.
Okay.
This is probably a really bad time to bring this up.
But I don't wanna be a comic anymore.
I wanna quit comedy, man. I wanna become a storm chaser!
Could you see that, man? Ooh!
Bob Rubin, storm chaser!
I'll start off easy. Maybe get after a slow-moving cold front.
Maybe I'll attach some lightning bolts to my Uncle Billy, and make him yell out…
Chase them around the yard.
Or maybe I'll just start chasing down sunny days!
Or maybe I'll just change my name to Sunny Days
and start singing country western.
Boy, oh boy, my mom would have been proud of me,
seeing me in that storm chasers uniform, with that junior radar patch. Oh, yeah!
My mom, man.
I still remember the first time she saw me perform.
She came up to me afterwards and went…
"I don't get it.
You're weird, I'll give you that.
But I don't get it."
I looked at her and I said, "I'm weird, Mom?
I'm… weird?
Let me ask you something, Mom.
Who was the one that put that spinning dinosaur head above my crib
when my arms were too short to take it down?
Huh, Mom? Who's the one that took me to see Fantasia?
Huh, Mom?
Who's the one that made me dress up one night a year like a freak,
I didn't even know which night it was, and made me go to strange houses,
and beg for candy?
Huh, Mom? And here's the real kicker.
Who's the one that read me all those Dr. Seuss books,
and never, ever told me that he'd never write another book again?
Horton Hears a Who! Horton Hears a Who!
Horton's through hearing a Who.
Weird, Mom?
Let me tell you something. You're practically walked me by the hand
to that first hit of acid."
That's not something they tell you about.
It's, like, you gotta be afraid of the acid flashback, you know?
They're not really comping to the fact whether it's a dangerous drug or not,
but they're saying the dangerous effect is when you get the flashbacks, boy.
Oh, yes, be afraid of the flashbacks. You better fear the fl...
Fear the flashbacks? Are you kidding me? I embrace them.
I'm telling you something, if it weren't for flashbacks…
the last 20 minutes would have been dead silent.
I guarantee it.
No, but…
But, you know, what they don't tell you about are the lost moments.
You know, the lost moments on acid. That's a little bit scary, you know?
You could be out having a beer with your friend, you know?
Having a great time, and you're going, "Wow, this is a great beer."
I'm having a great time, with great friends, the music's great,
then all of sudden, you're ripped out of there,
and you're in a bank, wearing a suit, trying to secure a loan.
No, that's the fear that I live with.
Live with a terrible fear that one day I'll wake up
and I'm in a bank, wearing a suit, trying to secure a loan.
"Says here, Mr. Rubin, that you're a storm chaser?"
"Yes, sir. That's right, I'm a storm chaser."
"Uh-huh.
And it says here you were a comedian for 35 years?"
"Oh, yes, sir. I did that for all those years."
"Uh-huh. And it says here, in 1980, you sold seeds door-to-door?"
"That's right, sir. I sold seeds door-to-door.
And I just want to tell you something. If you give me the money,
what I'm gonna do is use it to start a Kickstarter campaign.
The money I raise from that, I'm gonna use to take tap and dance lessons,
then I'm gonna enter some beauty projects, and when I win, I'm gonna take that one...
What the fuck am I doing in a bank?
Everybody, on the ground! Down on the fucking ground!
Now! Now! Now!"
Man…
my pipes are shot.
Well, you know what it is? I've been doing a lot of…
Shakespeare in the park.
I think I have.
I don't know, man. It's a fine line between Shakespeare in the park
and homelessness.
Oh, how could you make fun of the classic?
The Bard. Do not make fun of the Bard.
I have studied at the Theater of the Academy of the Royal Wow.
I have studied the Bard for 75,000 hours.
I am the Bard. I am Hamlet.
You know, don't take that shit so seriously.
Let me tell you something.
Shakespeare wrote everything with a really long feather.
You know, I think he did.
People of San Francisco...
heed my words.
Your chancellor has fallen ill.
Your hair clamps have been seized,
and your powdered wigs are stained with the blood of revolution.
Grace no more shall fall upon your frozen hope.
The billage pump of change has been capped and stalled
as your progress and resting chambers become.
I am the harbinger in me,
and everything that I see now belongs to me.
And all of you will now live like dogs at the bootheel of misery.
People of San Francisco, heed my words. Your Giants cannot save you now.
Everything that I'm wearing before you now…
is available at rubetime.com, so...
Stop on by and…
why don't you get a t-shirt, or maybe a bumper sticker, or…
please, get a bobblehead. Man, I really overestimated...
the market, man. I got a small apartment, man,
there's 250,000 bobbleheads in there, just...
Click, click, click, click.
There all actual size, and they're clicking, clicking, clicking.
Click, click, click, click.
Not really sure why I unpacked all of them but…
Should have just unpacked them one at a time
as the orders came in, right?
Hey, this is exciting news, but, uh…
my… insurance company just approved me for unnecessary plastic surgery.
Oh, yeah, man. So, what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna get my lips injected with…
red wax.
And then, I'm gonna have my chompers replaced with wind-up teeth,
'cause then, I'll be a natural.
Oh, yeah,
♪ It's a long way to the big top If you wanna clown around ♪
I'm gonna have a nose, a second nose put on my forehead upside down.
I don't know why.
But it is unnecessary.
Well, now it's unnecessary.
Back in the '80s, I would have been a feared man at the parties, boy.
You gotta be passionate about something though, huh?
That's what I'm talking about. Look at the sweat we put in here tonight.
Look at the drinking that we've committed to.
Look at the horrible things we're all going to do later on.
And by that I mean, some point way later in your life
when I'm not in the picture anymore.
You just got to be passionate, boy, like Beethoven.
I heard that when he composed, he would hold his head like this.
He's afraid that his pencilwould fall out from behind his ear.
Van Gogh, that crazy bastard, he chopped his ear clean off
because he thought his pencil was mocking him.
"Alright, alright, who painted this penis on my forehead
when I was passed out drunk?
Don't say Gauguin, because he's a realist."
Oh, I just finished writing my first screenplay
using only the letters "P" and "H," and they're silent, and it's going…
What else? Oh, I'm throwing an awards banquet
for the voices I hear in my head.
And Fox TV wants me to star in this new show.
The Boy in the Plastic Bubble, the Next Generation.
Well, I don't know if I can,
'cause that hits a little bit too close to home for me.
You know, when I was little=...
When I was growing up, there was a kid in our neighborhood named Timmy!
And poor little Timmy...
born with a terrible fear that, one day, he'd be crushed to death by a meteorite.
So, he spent his whole life in a concrete bubble.
Well, we tired to do things with little Timmy... to help him fit in.
But, you know, sometimes it wouldn't work.
Like, in the summertime, we'd go out to the lake water skiing,
attach a rope to his bubble…
end up dragging him along the bottom of the lake with us all day long.
Poor little Timmy... just didn't fit in.
But that's how we found old man Johnson's body.
Ooh, solving murders.
No, no, not everything I do has to be silly and stupid,
I'm solving murders sometimes.
I'm from West Virginia, and I'm Jewish. That's kind of odd.
Jewish hillbilly. Means I wasn't really circumcised.
A rabbi just sort of whittled on me a little bit.
I was born nine months premature.
Yeah, my parents got done having sex one night,
and they heard a thud on their bedroom floor.
Oh, yeah, man. Well, they scooped me up…
rushed me to the hospital.
Doctor said I wouldn't make it through the night,
but when the sun broke…
I drunk 'em all under the table!
You can't keep a good man down.
I try to stay current on current things.
I know what you're thinking. "Please, we just came here
to get a little goofy, and drink some drinks.
Could you back off the hard-hitting political stuff?"
But I was just wondering about this thing, man, that…
It's on the internet. In the chat... Internet sex chat.
Do you know what I'm talking about?
Yeah!
Yeah, I... Wow. Wow.
Not sure if I can wrap my head around it.
First of all, sitting at your computer naked...
That's pretty weird, man.
Secondly, by the time that guy brings you his latte,
everybody's looking at you.
We live in a world…
where everybody's trying to tell everybody else how to live, man.
It's just ridiculous.
And I've read some of those books, you know?
I've read The Secret, I've read The Power,
I've read The 11 Missing Laws of the Secret.
I've read Think and Grow Rich, How to Win at Vegan Blackjack,
The Traveling Sister of the Ya-Ya Pants, Deepak Chopra, the whole ball of wax.
And I gotta tell you something.
Way before all that noise, I wrote my own self-help book.
It's called Hey, Let's Do Some Cocaine.
I didn't say, "Let's do a lot of cocaine."
The book's not called Hey, Let's Binge for Three Days.
No, it's Let's Do Some Cocaine.
Now, a lot of you people in the room tonight
have already taken the first step.
So, why not go ahead and order my book, and you'll be able to find out
about the over 500 levels of enlightenment, boy.
Lemme give you a little taste, little bump of what you're gonna get
out of this thing, man.
Level one:
"Hey, lets do some cocaine."
This is where you do some cocaine.
And you think to yourself,
"What was I worried about? I feel pretty good."
Level two:
"Hey, let's do some cocaine."
Oh, boy. This is where you do some more coke
and you start to unlock the power of the universe
and even though you're not anymore, you can swear you're still in your 20s.
Level three:
"Really? 'Cause I've got a million of them."
This is where you start to master the euphoria.
This is where you realize
where the other 400 levels of creativity come from.
Which leads to level four.
All the laughter is sucked out of the room.
And everybody has turned into an endless, chattering buzz saw
that forms one big soul-sucking robot.
Which leads to level five:
sheer terror and anxiety.
Now, this is where the real heavy lifting comes in,
because you realize, if you wanna get what you want out of life,
you wanna be successful, and you wanna be happy,
you gotta know who you are first.
And, brother, when you're knee-deep in level five,
you'll have plenty of time to figure that out.
And that leads to level six: The sun's up, you're out of book!
Time to buy some new copies, and that's okay with me,
because I wrote the book, Hey, Let's Do Some Cocaine.
Fantastic, you're a great crowd. You don't really...
You can't get away with book humor that much anymore, you know?
You really can't!
I had a cop pull me over, because...
He pulled me over at night, which blew my mind,
because he said my tags were expired.
Now, what blew my mind was that my tags have been expired for so long
that the color's actually come back around again.
And I'm thinking, "Boy, you gotta be a real stickler to get that one."
Motorcycle cop, man.
Those are the most dangerous ones out there, and you know what?
All he said was,
"You know, if you park that truck out on the street, they're gonna tow it."
And then he splits, man. I thought I was in all kinds of trouble.
He just leaves, you know? But I couldn't leave it at that.
I figure, he's a cop.
He probably has an absurd sense of humor, right?
Well, I say, "Hey officer, officer, one more thing!
Uh, uh, they legalized gay marriage…
and…
heroin, right?"
He didn't laugh.
He pulled me out of that truck so fast,
kicked me to the ground, had me handcuffed,
and he searched my truck for an hour, tearing it apart. And you know what?
He found a shitload of gay marriage.
Yeah, and you know what else?
It turns out that gay marriage with intent to distribute...
still illegal!
Driving under the influence of gay marriage,
still illegal!
They lied to us, love hasn't won yet.
But we're getting close.
A lot of people say,
"Rube, how come you just do a special once every 35 years?"
And I'll say, "You know, it could be my manager,
I don't wanna blame him, but…"
You know?
It could be Fumbles, the toothless junkie.
That's the name of my manager: Fumbles, the toothless junkie.
Here comes that tall West Virginian out onto the field.
And here come three guys in suits. They open a briefcase,
they take out what looks like a contract and a pen.
Looks like Rube has it in his hand, he sees some daylight.
About to get a 3-picture deal with…
Oh, here comes Fumbles!
The deal's over.
Hey…
Sit down, I'm not done yet! Get back here!
Thirty-five fucking years,
and you can't wait 25 more minutes to get a cocktail.
Oh, yeah, man.
When I'm not making a living as a comedian,
which is sometimes…
I got a day job in Spain.
Yeah, I work in Spain. I fight bulls.
But I don't use a cape.
I'm a Lubrador.
I just get so greased up,
the bulls glance right off of me when they hit.
Lubrador, el Rubio!
El grande, largo lubrador!
Rubio!
I had to learn some Spanish to get by while I'm there doing my job.
Would you like to learn some with me?
Okay.
Your skin looks so lovely, when you stand naked in a cream pie.
Es prohibido fumar.
Here's one you might need to know how to say in Spanish
if you fall out of your bed, and end up in Spain.
And I don't mean that you're in a motel at Spain,
and you have trouble sleeping, and you fall out.
I'm talking about you're home in San Jose, and you fall out of your bed,
and you wake up in Spain. That's freaky man.
Rabbi.
Rabbi!
My perro needs a new ass.
Perro. Perro. Perro.
I think that part already is Spanish. Perro.
My perro needs a new ass.
Es prohibido fumar.
Okay.
Let's try one together.
When the going gets rough,
lay in a fetal position and pretend you're not fit to stand trial.
Ready? Everybody.
- Es... - Es prohibido fumar.
Wow!
You guys are good!
♪ Spanish are the words I can't read or understand ♪
♪ You don't know how many times I wish that I spoke Spanish ♪
Like the time I went to Mexico, by myself. I got ripped off.
The tour guide sucked.
I don't wanna talk about it.
Know what I'd like to do, man?
As soon as I go to London, man, I wanna go to Stonehenge.
Oh, yeah, Stonehenge.
Everybody's wondering how did they get those big blocks that way.
How did the druids do it?
I'll tell you how the druids did it. They were fucking bored, man!
They had no phones, no internet, no cable, no television, no music, no anything.
They're just sitting around a big fire, and one guy's going,
"I'd like to tell you the story of the tree god,
who leaps from treetop to treetop, and turns into the wolf..."
"Oh, not the tale of the tree god again. We've heard that before."
"Then let me tell you the fable of a god that lived in the treetop."
"That's the same one, but you're just calling it a fable."
"Alright, why don't we go over there, where there's a giant pile of rocks,
sit them up, and put one rock on top of another.
And then, 5,000 years from now, people will scratch their heads.
We can really fuck them up."
"That sounds like a great idea."
Stonehenge.
♪ Where the druids live And they do live well ♪
♪ Stonehenge ♪
Let me tell you about another night that I should have gone to prison,
but I didn't.
Those are always fun stories to tell.
I was…
I was with a buddy of mine, man. And I live in Hollywood, you know?
I live in Hollywood.
So, we went over to a friend's house in the Valley, over in Van Nuys, and…
You know, we're just hanging out one night.
And we're just…
doing vitamins. Just taking vitamins, hanging out.
Talking about current events, you know? And…
And next thing you know, it's two o'clock.
Time to leave, you know? But I said to my friend,
"Hey, do you mind if I stick around for a little bit,
because it's two o'clock in the morning.
The bars just shut down,
and all the cops are out there on the road. It's dangerous."
He says, "Yeah, sure, you can stay."
So, cut to 24 hours later.
We're still at the house, and, by this time,
boy, are we getting really healthy, man.
Just doing vitamins and vitamins and talking,
and just having a joyous, old sweaty time. It was...
It was great. It was great, man, and…
So, same thing. It's two o'clock, and I said to my friend,
"Hey, you mind if I wait for another 45 minutes?"
And this time, he says, "All right, then."
So, 45 minutes went by, and we decided to go this time, you know?
And… uh...
So, I'm about to leave, and my friend, whose house we were at,
he says, "Hey, Rube, you wanna... you wanna take some acid with you?"
And I said, "Sure, why not?"
Pulls these sugar cubes out of the freezer,
and he goes, "I dunno how much these are, man." He said…
"Some of them have dots on them.
That means they're double hit or maybe a half hit. I don't even know.
So, there's anywhere from six to 36 hits of…
acid here."
And I go, "36 hits of acid? That's Yahtzee!"
So, I said to him... I go…
"Can you wrap them up in cling wrap, you know?
Because that way, I'll store them right here in my...
Right here, man."
And I don't know why, but the police never pat you down…
right here. They just don't, man. So, I feel safe traveling that way.
Oh, I always feel safe when I'm traveling with six hits of acid in my pocket.
So, me and my friend, we get in the truck,
and we're on the freeway, we're headed home…
driving back to Hollywood, and then the road just...
I don't know, it just started feeling really weird, man.
And I mean, first of all, now all of a sudden there's like…
sixty-five thousand pot holes that were freaking me out.
I don't know why.
Then, the whole highway starts to flip over
like some sort of an ocean wave, man.
I just looked at my friend and said,
"I'm going to get off and take surface streets."
So, I get off…
and I'm pulling down a road, and there, in the gas station, was a cop.
And my friend says, "Look out for that cop."
And I go, "Yeah, I see it."
And then... whoo!
Okay, I didn't see that one.
And I looked at my friend and I said, "Alright, listen, man.
The reason they're pulling us over is because you're black.
I know it's bullshit.
I know it's complete bullshit, but please, I wanna sleep at home tonight."
Then I rolled down my window, and I heard a terrible hush.
A hush so loud, you wouldn't even believe it, man.
A hush of a thousand pillows stacked on the face
of an unconscious figure skater.
And then, suddenly, the left boot of the cop
appeared by my truck, but the rest of them hadn't got there yet.
I'm figuring, "Great, I got time to make up a story."
I turn to my friend, I said, "Listen,
we're gonna tell him we come from a land where people live in candy,
salmon swim downstream and perform opera when they get there.
Just back me up."
Turned around, the rest of the cop had gotten there.
He was scary, man. His head was over 90 feet long.
He tries to jam it into my window.
He tries to jam it into my window, and he's all,
"Drivers license, registration."
So, I opened my glove box and I get out this stuff,
and I'm holding it real steady. I didn't want it to move,
because, for some unknown reason in my brain,
I thought I was handing him an Etch A Sketch. And I said…
I said, "Here, officer.
Don't shake it or you're gonna lose a lot of the important stuff."
So, then…
Then, the cop…
he goes back to the truck.
And that's when I looked down and saw it.
A big, like, icing ring. Right here.
Big, white ring, man.
It looked like I had been fucking a birthday cake.
That's when it hit me. Why?
Why does the skin have to be the most porous organ in the body?
Because what happened was, the cling wrap gave way.
Those six sugar cubes melted,
and they got into my groinal elevator and went all the way up to penthouse,
and now I was swimming in some deep water, boy.
The cop comes back…
he hands me my drivers license and my registration,
and you know what he says to me?
"Alright, well, get that tail light fixed and drive safe."
Yeah. I couldn't believe it, man.
I just started singing
♪ Wonder, wonder, miracles of miracles ♪
♪ When David slew Goliath ♪
♪ That was a miracle, too ♪
Rolled up my window, I start driving away.
We're going all the way to the Hollywood Hills.
Get to my friend's house, when it hit me.
There was never anybody else in the truck.
Thanks for coming out tonight, folks.
You're a great crowd, thank you.
- Rube! - Hey, Rube!
Rube! Rube!
You're back! How's it going, buddy?
Hey, buddy, how'd it go?
Do not go out there.
♪ Life is a struggle every day ♪
♪ I will seek out the light I'll try to find a way ♪
♪ Protection comes from within ♪
♪ I find the strength to fight This Babylon system we're living in ♪
♪ Keep moving forward ♪
♪ Forward in a meditation ♪
♪ I will turn out the light In this vibration ♪
♪ Pure concentration ♪
♪ A little motivation ♪
♪ We are here to elevate the situation ♪
♪ Whoa, hey ♪
♪ I'll find a way ♪
♪ Find a way ♪
♪ Whoa, oh, oh, hey I'll find a way ♪
♪ I'll find a way ♪
- ♪ Find a way ♪ - ♪ Day by day ♪
♪ Is more than possible ♪
♪ To retain all the dreams in my heart That seem unreachable ♪
♪ I need to work ♪
♪ Work harder now ♪
♪ 'Cause everything in my life Seems like it won't settle down ♪
♪ I'll find a way ♪
♪ Move through my heart ♪
♪ People all around the world Let's make this movement start ♪
♪ Let's find a way ♪
♪ Move through your heart ♪
♪ People all around the world Let's make this movement start ♪
♪ Whoa, hey ♪
♪ I'll find a way ♪