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[indistinct chatter]
- I can't tell what's real and what's not anymore!
[rock music]
[crash] [car alarm wailing]
[groaning]
[panting] - Where am I going?
- Minneapolis, sir.
- I'll take a whiskey.
- I'm afraid I can't.
- Vodka. Whatever you have.
- Sir, I'm sorry. I'm not allowed to give you any alcohol.
- Says who?
- The doctor that carried you onto the plane.
Would you like some water?
[belching and retching]
[soft guitar music]
♪ Hey kids where are you
♪ Nobody tells you what to do baby ♪
♪ Maybe you did maybe you walked ♪
♪ Maybe you rocked around the clock ♪
♪ Tick
♪ Tock ♪
- James.
Come on. Come on. We're here.
James. Hey, hey, hey! Don't make this harder than it needs to be.
- I'm fine. It's okay.
I don't need this.
- Have you fucking seen yourself?
You're a fucking wreck, James.
You need help.
Please.
- Bobby, why you doing this to me?
Why you doing this to me?
- Because you're my brother.
And I love you.
And you're breaking Mom and Dad's hearts.
James, if you carry on the way you're going, you're gonna die.
James.
- James, the nurse's station is around the corner.
Come with me, okay?
This facility was founded by a group of priests more than 40 years ago,
and more than 25,000 patients have passed through our doors.
We are one of the largest treatment centres in the world
and have one of the highest long-term success rates.
We have a few strict rules here.
If you are caught in possession and/or using or drinking,
you will be sent home immediately.
And if you say anything more than hello to any woman
that is not a member of our staff,
you will be sent home immediately.
[voice fading]: For the sake and safety of our patients...
[intense music]
[soft haunting music]
[music continues]
[vomiting]
- I had the nurse put you on Librium and Diazepam.
They're detoxification drugs.
They'll stabilize the heart and keep your blood pressure low.
We wouldn't want you to have a heart attack or a stroke.
- Oh. - Or a seizure.
- Ah! - Ah, ah, okay, we're getting there,
getting there.
I'll have you seen by the dentist this week. Okay?
Alright, this is the last one. Last one.
Alright.
Now, let's look at that nose, shall we?
- Oh, no, we can leave that.
- Be still. Look at me.
- Ahem. - Look straight ahead.
[James sighing] Alright.
I'm going to have to break it in order to reset it.
- No, you don't. No... - Put your hands down.
Hold on tight. Alright?
Take a deep breath. Here we go. And...
[cracking] [screaming]
- Ma'am, step up.
[TV playing]
[sighing]
[whispering]: Wanna do some blow?
I mean, I don't have any. I'm just wondering.
[woman chuckling]
Can I have a cigarette?
What happened to your face?
Hmm?
I'm sor... Are you deaf, or retarded?
I'm finding it really hard to tell.
[James groaning softly]
Where are you from?
- Cleveland.
So you are retarded.
- Hey...
- You okay?
Yeah, it's a stupid question.
- Well, y-you know... Why are you talking to me?
You don't know me.
- Mm, sure I do.
You got issues.
That's why you're here.
I got issues. That's why I'm here.
You know, my grandma, she drove me all the way from Chicago.
- Mr. Fray?
- Hi. - Hi. I'm Roy, a patient here.
I was told to bring you down into the Sawyer unit.
Let's go.
Uh... you do know that you're not allowed
to fraternize with the women here.
Hmm?
- Uh... - Good.
'Cause we can ask you to leave if you cross the line. Okay?
- You're a patient, right?
- Mm. - Then what the fuck are you gonna do?
[chuckling]
- This way, Mr. Fray.
- Fine, asshole.
- Those are for staff only.
So that is absolutely off-limits.
This is our shared kitchen. You really share it,
so you can get coffee whenever you like,
but make sure to clean up after yourself when you're done, okay?
Mugs here. You're gonna get your own.
You gotta remember to put your name on it. Okay?
Shhh. This is the communal phone.
You get to use that during private time only.
This is going to be your home for the next six weeks.
Make sure that you check the jobs board every Thursday morning, okay?
Let's see, James Fray...
- Frey, Frey, Frey, like a fucking French fry, y'know?
- Isn't that appropriate. Cleaning out the shit.
Make sure you scrub those toilets spotless, okay?
What you put into this is what you're gonna get out of it.
This is our communal space. We keep Big Books over there,
and we do step work after every meal.
Absolutely no sleeping in the communal space.
Follow me. I know it's a lot coming at you fast,
so if you have any questions, always feel free to check in with Lincoln.
He is the Unit Supervisor. His room's down there. Your room's gonna be this way
- Is there a mini bar?
- And...
...here we are. That's your bed.
Good luck.
[sighing]
[clarinet playing] - Oh, my God!
Ah... shit!
Ah, fuck.
[silence]
[panting] - Shhh.
Shhh.
It's okay. You're just going through withdrawal.
It's okay. Shhh.
- Ah... - You'll be fine.
Oh, my God. Your face is so fucked up.
Here.
You ever fuck anybody in the ass?
- Excuse me?
- Yeah, I got really into it when I was in prison,
and I don't need to be the giver; I'm not picky anymore.
- This ain't fuckin' prison. - Yeah, tell that to the judge.
Half of us are in here on some special plea-bargain bullshit.
- Leave me alone. - Hey, I'm just working the program, man.
I'm just laying it all out there like it is. You can take it or leave it.
- I'll fucking leave it, thanks.
- Tsk. Alright, well, I'm glad we worked that out.
[James retching] I'm just gonna leave this on your pillow.
[country music]
[dissonant soundscape]
[background chatter]
- Appreciate the cigars, Hank.
Are you shitting me? In a T-shirt?
You're outta your fucking mind, kid.
- Hop in front.
Hmm. You got kinda fucked up, huh?
- No, I was just born this fucking way.
Here, hold on.
I used to wear this when I was working on the boat. Take it. It's a good jacket.
- No, I'm good. It's okay.
- You don't owe me anything. Now, take it.
- Alright.
- It's a lucky fucking jacket.
[radio]: The ultimate pizza has arrived!
With zesty herbs and spices and thicker pepperoni for a new pizza experience.
One bite...
- Let's get those X-rays, huh?
[country music playing]
[sighing] [background chatter]
[soul music]
♪ You were tired...
♪ And you want to be free
♪ My love is growing stronger
♪ As you become a habit to me
♪ Ooh been loving you
[James]: Motherfucking bitch!
Take me... take me back, please.
These are your friends that talk shit about me?!
Alright, you guys, look, look, it's about you and me, baby.
It's you... You believe me, right?
You pig-faced motherfucker!! Baby, baby,
bail me out, okay?
♪ ...On my knees
♪ Please don't make me stop now ♪
♪ I love you I love you
♪ I love you with all my heart And I can't stop ♪♪
- Hmm.
You know, you did a shitty job yesterday.
- Looked pretty clean to me. [spraying]
- That's because you're filth.
And you don't know what clean is.
- What's your problem?
- I don't have a problem. People like you, you come in here,
you've got the world handed to you on a plate.
You know? You don't know shit.
- Alright, Roy, get the fuck outta here.
- No, not until you learn how to clean. You need to learn how to clean.
- Oh, that's right. You want it to be spotless, right?
- And it will be spotless. - Let's start with you. - Oh, goddammit! Help!
- Clean up? - No!! Help! Help!
Stop! Stop it! Stop! Help!!!
- You're kidding? - He's trying to kill me.
- It's fucking water. - Help! Help. - Jesus.
- What are you doing? - Roy, get the fuck up.
- No! - Come on, man.
- Stay away from me! Stay the fuck-- - What's going on in here?
Wait, wait, wait. Hey, whoa, whoa.
[Roy shouting] - He's outta his fucking mind!
- Get the fuck off me, you shit.
[panting] - It's alright. I'm okay. I'm okay.
I just... Oh, my God.
[phone ringing]
- Hey, this is Bob. I'm out. Leave a message.
[beep]
[James]: Bob... Jesus... Where are you, man?
I just need to talk to you. I just...
[sighing] Goddammit!
These detox pills are just... fucking with my head!
[sighing]
I can't... I can't do this.
I'm sorry, buddy. I'm sorry.
[screaming]
- Come with me, James.
- Look, if you're gonna fucking kick me out, just do it, man.
- Want to tell me what happened, James?
'Cause I heard you were threatening a fellow patient.
- I didn't lay a fucking finger on him.
He's just a fucking retard playing boss, trying to treat me like his bitch.
- Okay, calm down. - Alright, fuck you, man.
- I said, calm down. - Or what? You're gonna fuckin' throw me out?
- Listen to me, James.
You're wanted in three states.
You do anything out there right now - anything -
you're going to prison.
That what you want?
- I guess that rules the presidency out, then, huh? - You know what, Lincoln?
Um... why don't you go check on Roy?
- Ahem. That's a good idea. - Yeah, why don't you go check on Roy?
Look, truth is, I don't need to be here.
I'm not like these other people. I had an accident, okay?
And everyone's making a big deal out of nothing.
- Is it really nothing?
- It's been a bad time recently.
Y'know, I'll admit that.
I just need some time to figure it out.
- That's exactly what this time is.
- No, this... this is about AA.
And it's dog shit if you really want to know what I think.
- I don't.
I know that this program works.
And it seems to me, you might not have given it a try.
- 'Cause there's no fucking point.
You know why? 'Cause it's based around God, and I don't believe in God.
- God. A higher power, a power greater than yourself
- Either way, however you want to put it, higher power,
what you actually mean is God. Right?
Mr. Frey, I'm gonna level with you.
We are a drug-rehabilitation centre
whose sole purpose is to help addicts.
[James coughing] Not Christians or Jews,
or Muslims or Buddhists... but addicts.
And every addict needs structure.
They need a strong foundation and support system if they ever hope to survive.
- Who said I'm an addict? I'm not an addict.
- Mm. - I'm not an addict. Okay?
- Okay. - I might be fucked up. I'm not an addict.
- Well, we have a saying here: It's one day at a time.
And in about 10 minutes, it's breakfast.
I'll be in room 312 if you want to talk to me about anything.
Okay?
- I can't take these... fucking meds anymore.
- I'll talk to Dr. Baker for you, okay?
The first week's the hardest.
[thunder rumbling] [rainfall]
[thunder]
[indistinct chatter]
[clatter] - ...spinach and roughage.
Double of everything.
What do you say, James? Are you fucked up?
'Cause I'm a little fucked up. My buddies are fucked up.
So we thought we might just eat here with you, y'know?
This is the fucked-up table, right?
- It is now.
- This is Ed and that's Ted. No relation.
So Ed here fucked his best friend's wife.
His best friend got pissed off and pulled his hair plugs out. Ain't that some shit?
That's why he wears that Bon Jovi thing.
- Look, no offense, but, uh, I don't want to be friends.
- I understand that. The last fucking thing I need is more friends.
Just thought it was kinda funny the way you whipped Roy's ass. He's a little weasel, y'know?
- I didn't. [clatter]
- Really?
Alright, then-- [clatter]
You guys know if that's chicken or fish? Should we just roll the dice?
- Did you hear what I said, James?
Do you understand what I said?
Let me put it more bluntly.
We've looked at all your blood work,
examined all the tests.
Your body has suffered a pattern of such profound and prolonged abuse, I'm...
surprised you can even stand, let alone walk.
You've done near-fatal damage to all your major organs.
Lungs, stomach, bladder,
kidneys, liver, your heart.
Everything.
I've never seen...
this degree of degradation in someone so young.
If you were to start using again,
it's more than likely that you would go into cardiac arrest immediately.
And that would be it.
- Ah! [groaning]
- Even a single drink could result in death within days.
The end.
Finished.
- Oh! What the fuck, John?! Get the fuck outta here, man!
- I just thought you might want some company.
- Get the fuck out, John. - No, it's okay. - No, it's not okay.
- Just put it in my mouth. - It's not okay. - Just try it.
- No. What are you doing?! Get off your fuckin' knees, goddammit. Get up!
- No. Ah, come on.
Fuck. Stop! Stop, stop!
I'm sorry. - Put on a fucking towel.
- You can hit me if you want. - No, no, no. I don't want to hit you.
- Yeah, you do. I can see that. You're mad at me.
- No, I don't. - I did something wrong. - John, I'm not gonna hit you.
- Come on, it's fun. You can hit me. - No, it's not fun.
I don't find it-- - Hit me! - Stay off me.
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry. - Goddammit, John. - I'm sorry.
- Leave me alone. - I'm sorry.
It's alright.
[insect buzzing]
[applause]
- Having succeeded in a lot of things in my life,
I think my biggest fear was that I wasn't gonna succeed in this.
But you guys give me an incredible gift.
A gift that I know...
- I give him two weeks. [James sighing]
- I give him one.
- No, it'll be two. You want to make a wager?
[Roy]: One step at a time. Thank you.
[applause] - All this is bullshit.
- Hey, hang on a second, kid. - Oh, God, leave me alone.
- Come back inside. Let's talk. Come on.
- Stop fucking following me! Stop!
- What are you so goddamn afraid of?
- Fuck you. - Yeah, fuck me, fuck everybody, go fuck yourself.
Die in the street in your own puke.
- Why do you give a shit? - You know, frankly, I don't give a shit.
- Well, then, fuck off! - Ha!
Really? I think you do fucking care.
I also think you're a fucking pussy
and you don't have the balls to face it!
That's what I think! [grunting]
So you do have life left in you. - What is it you fucking want?
- It's not what I want. It's what you want.
You're choking to death, you're so fucking scared.
But it's a trick. It's a mind-fuck. You can win this thing.
You can win it.
- I can't. - Yeah, you can!
Why don't you fuckin' let go of me?
I got ribs like a fuckin' blue jay.
Tell you what. I'll make a deal with you.
You go back in there for 24 hours -
just give it 24 hours, that's it -
and if you still feel this way this time tomorrow,
I'll pack your bags and send you away with a sandwich.
Twenty-four fucking hours.
Deal?
- It doesn't mean we're fucking friends. - Damn right it doesn't.
[playing]
- Didn't appreciate you disrespecting our room the other day.
You might think this is a joke, but it's not for me.
- Well, I'm not gonna be here much longer,
so you can enjoy sticking that in your asshole tonight.
- Well, meantime, I can do without your bullshit.
- Yeah, I can do without your murdering the goddamn clarinet!
[playing]
[groaning]
Ah!
[banging]
Ah, goddammit. [sniffling]
- What's up, buddy? - Wow.
What are you doing here?
- It's visiting day. What you think I'm doing?
- What's all this?
- I, uh, brought you some stuff.
- You didn't have to do that.
- I wanted to. Here, take a look.
- I'd rather just talk.
- Just take a look.
[chuckling] - Good job, Mom.
- There's more.
Bunch of people reached out, wanted to see how you're doing.
Julie and Kirk send their best.
- What about Arctic Eyes? She check in with you yet?
- Uh, no. No, nothing from her.
I quit.
- What if I'm fucked up beyond repair?
- I saw this thing on TV,
about how in Japan...
...they, like... repair broken objects with gold.
It's like the flaw becomes a part of its history.
Part of what makes it beautiful.
- Nothing about what I am is beautiful.
- I was thinking maybe you should get some gold teeth.
[James chuckling]
- Only 15% stay sober after they leave this place.
And that's only after the first year.
[sniffling] Those are the real statistics. The ones they don't advertise.
- Why are saying that shit?
- It's a fact.
- Who's that?
Come on.
[patting leg] Let's go back.
- I think I might just stay here a while.
- Yeah?
See you next week.
I'm gonna see you next week.
- Sure.
[train whistle blowing]
[woman]: Why are you calling me?
- But didn't anyone tell you where I am or...
what I'm doing? I mean--
- James, this really isn't a good time.
- What do you think this is for me, fucking party time?
- James, I'm not doing this right now! [disconnection]
[phone ringing]
- Look, I didn't mean that. I know I put you through a lot.
I just thought you'd be... happy I was here, is all, y'know?
- I am.
- Wait, who is this?
- I thought you knew. Now I'm offended.
- No, don't be. I just wasn't expecting...
[chuckling] Who is this?
- My grandma thought you were very handsome today.
- Oh, she did, did she? You sure she didn't mean my brother?
[sighing] How did you know I'd answer?
- I didn't.
Hey, you know we're the youngest two in here by at least 10 years?
- No, I-I didn't know that. How'd you know that?
- It's bullshit that men and women can't talk to each other.
- Hmm. Yeah.
I guess it's not supposed to feel like the real world in here.
- They're shutting us off from something that's completely natural.
What am I supposed to do? Leave this place and never talk to another man again?
Shit, I can't quit that too.
- Hmm.
I'm glad you called.
- I'm lucky I got you. - Huh.
- See you in the Lecture Hall, I guess.
- Turn around.
- Turn around? - Yeah.
- Oops.
Busted.
It wasn't my grandma that thought you were handsome.
It was me.
[soft music]
♪ Still
♪ Falling
♪ Breathless and on...
♪ Again
♪ Inside
♪ Today
♪ Beside me
♪ Today
♪ A round
♪ Broken
♪ In two ♪
[door opening]
- James. She's pretty, right?
- Um, yeah, she's pretty, yes.
- She's 22. Come here. You can take her out if you want.
I feel bad about the other day, and I want to make it up to you.
- Okay, okay, let it go. - No, you can do whatever you want to her.
I'm her father, so she'll do what I say.
- Jesus Christ! - What, is that bad?
- She's your fucking daughter, man.
So, yeah.
- Oh, I'm sorry, man.
Fucking judgmental prick.
- Appreciate that.
[James sighing]
- Goddamn, that'll make a gorilla shit the tree house.
- Mm-hmm. I'm glad I can be of service.
- So you decided to flip the tables, huh? - What?
- Well, it's been longer than 24 hours. You're still here.
- I was just on my way out, actually.
- There's no shame in it. You decided to stay. - No, I decided not to leave.
Don't want to be responsible for you having a fucking heart attack trying to stop me.
- So it was an entirely selfless act?
- Fuck you. - No matter how you slice it...
We were having a conversation here, James.
I was just getting to the good shit.
- Alright, you ready for your brand-new smile?
- What's wrong with this one?
- Nothing. They're perfect. Let's get outta here.
Alright, kid, look.
I know you got a pair of balls of your own, but...
I figure you might need these, too.
- Why?
- James, they're not gonna give you... anesthesia,
painkillers, none of it.
They can't.
Not while you're a patient at the treatment centre.
- Okay.
- It starts hurting...
...you start squeezing.
- Alrighty.
Here we go. Okay, I am just gonna lower you just a bit.
- Mm-hmm. - James...
There we go.
Do you mind if we move the book?
- I... I'd rather you didn't.
- Okay, okay.
Here we come, James.
Open. Please turn towards me.
- Mm-hmm. - Thank you. Just...
Mm-hmm. I'm just checking things.
Okay. - Oh! - Ah! Okay.
Cotton, please?
Alright. [sighing]
Okay. Ahem.
We've gotta move quickly. Here we go.
And here we...
[moaning]
- Ah!
[moaning]
[crying out]
[screaming]
Ah... [panting]
- This is... this is just a precaution. - For what?
- So I don't injure the back of your throat.
- My throat? - I need you to be still.
But in case, this is a precaution.
We'll move as fast as we can, James.
- Okay. - Alright, tight.
Okay, hold his head.
Are you ready?
[whimpering] Okay, here we go.
Here we go, James. Open. Open. Okay.
[moaning]
[screaming]
[TV playing]
- Oh, shit.
[knocking]
- You found me.
Well, come in.
There's the couch there if you'd like.
Coffee? - Hmm?
Sure. Thanks.
[pouring]
[clatter] That's yours?
- No, that's my boyfriend's.
I ride.
Yeah.
Had him about 10 years.
Turns out...
there's a way to feed the soul, not just destroy it.
- We'd go on fishing trips... now and then.
I was never good with a rod, but...
...I can drink like a fish.
- Yeah.
I could too once.
- But you're not AA. - Yeah.
We're all AA here.
Everyone who works in this joint,
from the janitors to the counsellors.
We're all addicts.
[James sighing]
- Well, I don't know how I'm supposed to... leave here
and never smoke crack or drink a drop of alcohol again.
You expect me to do that for the rest of my fucking life?
I love crack.
I fuckin' love it.
And I can't stop. I can't.
- James, as soon as you realize that there is no choice,
there's a choice.
You see?
- Sounds like a load of horseshit.
- Maybe.
But it works. [James sighing]
You just did the first step.
- Well, if it's one of the 12, it's the only one I'm doing.
- Which brings us to...
step five.
The fifth step.
We have admitted to God, to ourselves,
and to another human being, the exact nature of our wrongs.
Now, what I want to say about that is that...
your sins are pardonable.
There is forgiveness.
That's really what the fifth step is about.
Forgiveness through confession.
Seeking to forgive others that we believe have harmed us.
[door slamming]
[soft music]
- "What is rooted will grow.
A giant tree grows from a single seed.
The journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step.
If you have nothing, you have nothing to lose.
[screaming] - Roy!
- Get back, old man! You're in my way!
Get back, old man! Stand down!
Fuck you! Get back! Get back! Get back!
Look at me again and I swear to God, I'll bash your brains in, man!
I swear to God! [Roy crying] - Roy?
- I'll kill you. I'll fuckin'... [panting] You.
C'mere. Come on. Come on!
Come on, you! Come on.
C'mere, c'mere.
- What do you want, Roy? - Roy? There's no Roy!
I'm a fucking god!!
And the only thing between you and me is this fucking staff!
You hear me? So you submit.
- Roy, put the fucking lamp down, okay?
- Submit!! You will submit to me,
or I swear to God, I'll fucking injure you.
- Alright, alright, alright. - Surrender. Shhh! Surr...
No, no! No! They don't like him!!
- Alright, alright. It's just you and me. Look at me.
- Surren...Shhh! You didn't pray.
I wanna help you. You need to pray.
And he's listening. And you're gonna submit before God,
or fight the Higher Power!
Get on your knees! Get down...
- Like this? - Close your eyes.
Close your eyes!! Put your hands together.
We're gonna pray. We're gonna pray.
By a power greater than me,
I'm gonna do you a service, okay?
- No! [Roy exclaiming]
[sobbing] I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm going to hell. [sobbing]
- Show's over! - I'm sorry. - Go back to your rooms!
I said show's over!
[Roy crying]
- You been here all night? - Pretty much.
- Let's take a walk.
- What makes you think I'm going anywhere with you looking like that?
- Looking like what? - What the hell are you wearing?
- Let me tell you something, buddy boy.
These glasses are a down payment on a pretty fuckin' decent car.
Okay? You see this watch?
There's enough gold in this fucking watch,
where if I hit you, it'd kill you instantly.
- I was talking about the onesie.
That's the kind of thing my mom would put me in for a family portrait.
- Ah, yeah, whatever.
How you doing?
- I dunno.
Fine, I guess.
- Cut the bullshit. It's me you're talking to.
[sighing] - Some days I feel okay,
others I just want to crawl up in a dark hole and die.
- Well, good. You're doing okay, then.
Just hold on.
- Oh, really? What would you know? You're a fuckin' cokehead.
- I was just a kid, y'know?
And I was on the streets for several months,
and I met this guy, Mike the Nose.
How about that? Mike the Nose?
[James chuckling]
He was kind of like the town hero.
He was a gangster, had a Cadillac. You know, the whole deal.
Anyhow, he and his wife Geena, they adopted me.
Took me in and made my life good.
And then Geena gets cancer and she dies way quicker than a human should have to.
Of course, Mike went off the rails.
Got into coke and whores and, y'know, liquor.
The usual shit, y'know.
And then he just... just disappeared.
And...
I didn't have anybody.
Completely lost.
So I went after it pretty hard.
About a year later...
...one night, I heard this noise in my kitchen.
So I go downstairs - with a gun, of course -
and I nearly put one in the back of the head of this healthy-looking,
put-together guy, y'know, who was bitching
about how my refrigerator was empty.
It was fuckin' Mike.
- Huh.
- And... he told me about this place.
And he said...
"Lenny, I've come to take you there."
He said, "Now, you're gonna have some shitty days,
probably the shittiest days you ever had in your life,
and you're gonna have a pain in your soul
like you never dreamed you'd have.
But you'll get through it...
...and you will live sober and you will live free."
- And did he live free and sober, or...?
- So that night, we went out to celebrate.
It was our first dinner after all that time, y'know.
Well, we finish up and we go out front to the valet to get the car,
and he gets gunned down by a bunch of motherfuckers that he owed money to.
And that was it.
You know what I did?
- You came here.
- I went and found every last motherfucking one of those guys
and the people they worked for.
And then I came here.
I'm tortured by who I used to be and all the horrific things I did.
It just runs in a loop in my head, some of it.
And it... and it might not look like it...
...but I wanna kill myself every fucking day.
But I hold on.
'Cause I think of Mike.
'Cause I made a promise and I don't break a promise.
And I will live sober. And I will live free.
You think you could do that?
You think you can hold on?
[all]: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
- Good work today, guys.
- You did good, kid.
And you gotta remember, this fucking guy is a sheriff, so keep that in mind, right?
Well, he looks exactly like Jackie Gleason.
Where you going? You're gonna learn something here.
- Oh, fuck. I'm sorry.
- Anyways, what he would do is, he'd pull up in the front yard.
He didn't get out of the car. He honked the horn.
So we all stagger out on the fuckin' porch, all fucked up and everything...
I can't remember, but I was surprised he lived to 44, y'know.
Mesothelioma, or whatever they call it now, but back then...
A recipe for disaster is what it was.
That's all I know. [indistinct chatter]
- Hi.
Welcome.
[Lilly laughing]
So I suppose you have a girlfriend.
- Why would you assume that?
- 'Cause you went to college and everybody in college
is dating or fucking or losing their virginity.
- What makes you think I went to college? - Did you?
- Yeah.
- So how'd you lose your virginity?
- How'd I lose my virginity?
You... you don't wanna know.
- Yeah, I do. It says a lot about a person.
- Uh... I was 16.
That's pretty... pretty late, right?
You know, it is. No, I mean, my friends had lost theirs two or three years before.
So I was, uh... feeling the pressure, you know?
And, uh... it was prom night.
- That's romantic. - Well, mm... no.
I didn't actually have a date, and, uh...
It was with a whore in the back of my mom's car.
She was fucking disgusting.
And she smelled bad. And she just talked to me in this fake dirty voice.
It was over in seconds. It was...
...not at all romantic.
And so I went home and said I had a good evening and...
...drank half a bottle of Wild Turkey and cried myself to sleep.
[sighing]
[scoffing] It's pretty pathetic, I know.
It's pathetic, huh?
- No.
It's not as pathetic as attacking a baby tree.
[James laughing] - Fuck you. [Lilly chuckling]
I never told anyone that before.
- What if I told you...
...that I lost my virginity as a whore instead of with one?
- I would say I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
How'd you find this fucking place? It's, uh...
You know we could get thrown out for doing this?
- A second of freedom is worth more than a lifetime of bondage.
- Who said that?
- I did.
My grandma.
- You really love her, huh?
- More than anything.
We should have a secret code.
- Like... like what? Like how? - I don't know, like, uh...
the amount of plates on your tray at lunch
could mean the time that we meet up later.
-Yeah, I could do that. It's... it's pretty easy.
- Five plates? - Five o'clock.
- Yeah, I get the concept. [laughing]
- I've been looking for you. - Why?
It's been opened.
- What do you expect? You're in rehab.
- Failure is an opportunity.
If you blame others... there's no end to blame.
Demand nothing...
...and give all. [clattering]
[soft piano music]
What's going on?
- I'm just... I'm just scared.
- Why's that?
- I'm... I'm... I'm leaving and... and I...
I... I know that I'm not better.
I just... I just feel safe here, but, uh, I...
And I know I'm gonna do something stupid and end up back in prison.
- Why do you think that?
[sniffling]
- Do you think I'm strong?
[sniffling]
Here's my... here's my daughter's phone number.
- John. - No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no. No, no.
I... I just want you to... I want you to call her...
...and tell her that her father loves her.
And that... I tried.
I really tried, okay?
- I'll do that.
[sniffling] - You're such a fucking cowboy.
[Lenny]: Yeah... that's Miles Davis's new roommate.
[laughter]
[clatter] - Shit.
- Ten?
- That is one sad motherfucking addiction.
[laughter] - You got no idea, buddy.
Have a seat, kid. I want you to meet somebody.
This is Matty.
- Oh, wait, I know you. Yeah, you're the Featherweight Champ.
- More like the chunky-weight champ now, but same guy.
- Fuck you, Lee. The chunky-weight champ
can still knock a featherweight the fuck out.
- I don't know, buddy. I think those days are over.
- Nah. - Sure made me a lot of money, though.
- Damn right. - Yeah. How are the kids?
- Yeah, well, they don't talk to me no more.
- Well, you're here now. That's all that matters, y'know.
[toilet flushing]
- So is your name really Miles Davis?
- Yes, it is. It's on my birth certificate.
And I don't play the trumpet. I play the clarinet.
- Yeah, shame you can't play as good, though, huh?
- Well, that's why I'm a judge, not a musician. - You're a judge?
[laughing] They put me in here with a fucking judge?
- Been to prison, or something?
- I skipped bail on a bunch of charges, but I'm not going to prison.
- Got warrants on you, then.
- Okay, Your Honour.
I, uh...
flipped a car, hit a cop, kicked the shit outta some kid,
set fire to my neighbour's new Jag, I...
...sold drugs, theft. You know, dumb shit.
- You won't get an argument from me.
- I'm sorry, Your Honour, can I be, uh, dismissed?
- Where are you going?
- I think I might plead the fifth.
- You're gonna get in trouble.
♪ Candy says...
♪ I've come to hate my body
♪ And all that it requires
♪ In this world...
♪ Candy says...
♪ I'd like to know completely
♪ What others so discretely
♪ Talk about
♪ I'm gonna watch the bluebirds ♪
♪ Fly...
♪ Over my shoulder
♪ I'm gonna watch them
♪ Pass me by
♪ If I could walk away from me... ♪♪
- What? - I... I can't.
You don't need to do that with me.
- But what if I want to?
- I can't. I can't go any further.
- You think I'm dirty.
- No. No, I don't.
I... I've never done this.
Sober, that is.
- Fuck. Neither have I.
- Trust is the motherfucker of life.
Trust... in ourselves,
in our... our worthiness,
our family, our loved ones, let alone some...
foreign process and program
that's insanely different from your current brain's paradigm, right?
Not everybody gets it the first time.
I know I didn't. Mm-mm.
No.
But the steps work.
They do.
Recovery is a process.
- Well, what about Roy? He did the steps, right?
He's like a model student of the fucking year, and then he just--
- Roy is diagnosed bipolar,
and he's been moved to another unit.
- Yeah, that's different. - Look, I was like you.
I was one of those guys that was, like:
"Look at these AA motherfuckers.
They're all grateful for everything." I wanted to strangle 'em.
- Yeah! - I was like that the first time, too.
- Yeah, it's mutual.
But I trusted in the process.
I worked the steps. Alcoholism is a disease.
- No. Alzheimer's is a disease. Cancer... is a disease.
And you can't control that, can you?
You don't say, "Hey, give me a shitload of Parkinson's and a shot of cancer," do you?
- But you lost control. - I'm talking about that. Exactly.
I choose to fucking drink. I chose to take crack.
You can't help it if you got a god-awful fucking disease you don't want anymore.
Y'know, and you wanna get rid of it. You see what I'm saying?
- I'll give you that, yeah. - It's a decision. It's a choice.
Do I or don't I, y'know?
Am I gonna be a dumb-shit addict and continue to waste my life,
or am I gonna, uh, be, uh...
- Sober? - Right, sober, y'know?
- Well, let me ask you this, James.
All the damage you've done.
All the harm you've caused.
Did you choose that?
- No.
- So it wasn't your childhood ambition to... destroy your family?
Ruin your career? - Of course not.
- It happened 'cause you're an addict, right?
- Yeah.
You had no choice.
It is a disease you did not choose to have.
Because why would anybody in their right mind...
choose all that destruction?
[thunder rumbling]
[rainfall]
- If we are free from desire, we can realize mystery.
Darkness within darkness
is the key to all understanding.
- James!
James!! - What?
- There's a young lady at the window.
- Jesus Christ.
What are you doing?
What's going on?
- What the fuck?! - You're soaking wet.
- Of course I'm soaking wet.
I was out in the rain for fucking hours.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey. Are you fucking crazy?
- I'm not fuckin' crazy!
I was the one waiting out in the fucking rain for you!
- Why? What the fuck for?
- Because you had five plates on your tray at lunch, asshole.
Five plates is five o'clock, remember?
- I didn't realize we were playing that game.
- Bullshit. - Why would I lie to you?
- Why have five plates on your tray?
- Because I was fucking hungry.
Why would you stand outside in the rain when you can sit in the cabin?
- So you're just a greedy, fat fucker, then?
[Lilly laughing] I'm a little indecisive, y'know? They got cake.
- She better get outta here before we all get in some shit.
- He's the fucking judge.
- Sorry about your table. - Jesus Christ. Don't fuckin' worry about it.
Alright, take it easy. [Lilly laughing]
- I'm sorry. I'll see you later.
- Watch yourself.
- You're bringing more trouble in here, James.
Lincoln told you about that. - Oh, stop judging. Play me a tune, Miles Davis.
[sighing] - Let me tell you something.
It's my second time in this place.
I fucked up my marriage, almost ruined my career, so I know about fucking up.
- Okay.
- Get it right the first time, James.
James was born when I was three-and-a-half.
I remember the day you came home from the hospital.
[chuckling]
All he did was just scream and scream and scream--
- Wait, I'm sorry. Why you telling her this shit?
- Because she asked. 'Cause I thought it would help.
- James, the first two years are the most important in the development of a child.
- I have no memory of that. - Well, I do.
You had this rage in you forever.
- No, I had fucking ear infections and it was fucking painful.
And they clearly did fuck all about it.
- Who? Mom and Dad? - Yeah, Mom and Dad.
- They did everything they could.
- Bob, I'm 30% deaf in both my fucking ears, okay?
I think I know.
Which is fine, because sometimes I like to drown out this shit.
- Do you hear what you're saying?
Perhaps that's the core to this fury,
and to your addiction.
- Are you shitting me? I snort coke and steal cars and smash up shit
because I had issues with my ears as a baby?
- It's-- - James, she's trying to help you.
- Yeah, I know what she's trying to do.
What are you doing here, with all your fucking theories and shit?
Like there's gotta be a reason to why I'm such a fuck-up?
Why don't you just go back to Karen and make babies or some shit? I dunno.
- Karen and I are divorced.
For over two years.
- What? - We're divorced!
I called you... and called you and called you,
because for once in my life, I needed a brother.
James, you're so fucking self-involved.
- I say this with love, but I need to do this on my own, Bob.
- James. James.
I know you're scared,
but you gotta deal with this shit at some point.
- Well, I'm trying.
There is no good or evil.
No sinner or saint.
There simply is what is, and that is it.
Just let it be.
Just be.
- What... is that?
- Nothing. - I doubt that.
I see you carrying it around with you everywhere. You're reading it all the time.
- Oh, it's just a lot of nonsense. You know, fortune-cookie shit.
- My man, we're all the same in here.
Judge, criminal, bourbon-drinker, crackhead, doesn't matter.
We're all we've got and we've got to look out for one another.
I learned that the hard way and now...
...I'm struggling.
- Well, look, um... you can read it if you want.
Uh, take it with a pinch of salt and, uh...
I'd take that over the Big Book any fucking day of the week.
- Why is that? You never even read the Big Book.
- That don't weigh 400 pounds and there's not a chapter
that says "Indian physician, heal thyself," or some shit, so...
But, like, if you want some real advice, I'd take a walk with Leonard.
- I'll do that.
Thanks. Oh.
- What, you gonna pay me?
- No. A note for you, though.
- How are we today, huh?
Where you headed?
- Uh, outside for a walk. - James, it's group. You can't just skip it--
- Yeah, I know it's group. I just, y'know, I, uh, don't feel like sharing today.
- Why is that? - Why? Why is it... your fucking business, man?
- Because I'm the supervisor of this unit.
- Then fucking supervise it! Jesus!
- Hey, Miles, would you start with a share, please?
[Lilly crying] - Lilly? Hey, hey. C'mere.
What's wrong? What's happened?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. What's happened?
- My grandma's sick.
- Oh, Lilly, I'm so sorry.
- She's all I've got, James.
- What do you wanna do?
- I wanna go to her. I wanna go to her right now,
but I can't, because I don't trust myself.
- Hey, hey, hey. Hey, I'll go with you. Let's go.
You wanna go, I'll go. - We can't. We can't.
I can't. We... I have to stay.
I have to stay. She wants me to stay.
And I'm gonna beat it, James. I'm gonna fucking beat it for her.
- I know. I know.
I'll stay here, okay? I wanna be here with you. Okay?
- Okay. - Fuck. - Fuck!
- You've officially been caught breaking the rules.
You know there's consequences. Let's go.
- Fuck your rules, man. - Separate and come with me.
- Hey-- - Don't fucking touch me!
- We can do this one of two ways. James?
Follow me, please.
Come on.
- I'm not gonna fucking let go.
- Fine.
Please wait inside.
- Mm-mm. - I'll give you one moment.
- Mm-mm.
- Hold on.
Just hold on.
- Let's go.
- Fuck.
Fuck!!!
[Lincoln]: You violated the rules.
You sacrificed the integrity of this facility, and in doing so,
you put your fellow patients at risk.
And we're gonna give you one more chance.
But hear me.
One more misstep, any misstep,
and you'll be sent home... permanently.
Understand?
- You decided this?
- It doesn't matter who decided.
Go get some sleep.
- Hey, uh...
What about Lilly? Is she, uh...
Is she alright?
- We told Lilly she wasn't... allowed to see you anymore.
So she left.
- She left? What do you mean, she left? Why didn't you stop her?
- Patients are free to go when they want. You know that.
- Yeah, but... Fuck, I know where she is.
I know where she's going. You can go get her.
Lincoln, you can go get her right now.
- James, we have the structure we have here for a reason.
Try to put it behind you and...
...look at it as a lesson learned.
- She's a person... not a lesson, you asshole.
And if that's how it is here, I don't even wanna be in this fucking place.
[honking]
[revellers screaming]
- What the hell are you doing? - You forgot your jacket.
- Get in the car, James. - No. I'm not going back.
- Do you wanna find her or not? Get in the goddamn van. Come on.
- Let's bring her home, kid.
- Fuck.
Hey! When's the bus leave for Chicago?
- It doesn't leave for another two hours.
- What's up?
- I'm looking for someone.
Fuck!
- What the hell is he doing? Go, go, go, go, go!
[exclaiming] [brakes screeching] Goddammit.
[music blaring]
- Hurry up, you little whore. Just do it, bitch! Come on.
- Lilly? - What the fuck?
- Hey, you motherfucker! Don't you fucking touch her, you piece of shit! Fat fucker!
- No, no, no, no! - Drop that shit!
- Let go of me! - Drop that shit! - Let go of me!
Get the fuck off me! Get the fuck away from me!
- Lilly, leave that shit behind. - Leave me the fuck alone. I wasn't gonna fucking do it.
- We're going home, Lilly. - Don't fucking look at me!
- Drop that fucking shit now and let's go!
- Leave me the fuck alone. - Leave that shit! [Lilly shouting and crying]
- Come on. Come on. It's okay. We're gonna quit that shit.
- I wasn't gonna do it. I wasn't gonna do it.
Don't do this. No...
Don't make me do this. [groaning]
[crying] No.
- Here.
It's better you stay here. I'll take her.
- I want James. - It's okay.
It's okay.
[soft, haunting music]
[knocking] [door creaking open]
- I'm awake.
- I just wanna say thank you.
- Yeah?
For what?
- For last night, you dumbass. What would you think? [Lenny chuckling]
- A lot of people talk shit in here.
I wouldn't have done what you did, you fucking madman.
[both chuckling]
[sighing]
Tell me the truth.
Were you tempted by the dope?
- Yeah, but then I looked at Lilly and I knew.
I knew she meant more to me than crack.
- You see there?
But what about when she's not around?
'Cause she's not always gonna be around, y'know.
- Yeah, I know.
- Well... you worked your primary purpose.
- Oh, yeah? How's that?
- To stay clean and help another addict.
You did it. Congratulations.
That's the twelfth step.
- Yeah, well...
the twelfth step can... fuck its asshole.
- You did it anyway. [James chuckling]
[James]: I read that the path forward is backwards.
That the path in the light is dark.
And, hell, does it get dark in here sometimes.
[Heaven Must Be Missing an Angel playing]
[cheering and laughter]
But then I only gotta look at Leonard
and he makes it seem so simple somehow.
The old man can get a little theatrical now and again, but...
he cares about the right stuff.
He makes it look easy.
- I just want you to know that...
...this graduation means something to me.
And I know it does to you guys too.
My crazy fucking family.
[laughter]
- Leo and I threw this big part where we snuck in the Heavyweight Title fight.
Of course the underdog gets his ass whipped,
but... there was a moment where,
for a second, it was like...
we forgot how fucked up we all are.
- Guys? Let's eat! [cheering]
- It made me think.
Heck, I don't know what I'm gonna do when I leave here,
but...
...maybe there can be more days like that.
[Joanne]: Do you think you need help to do that?
Then do your personal inventory, James.
That's... that's what it's there for.
You get to discover the truth. You get to own it.
You write it down, you acknowledge it, and then you let it go.
Uncover, discover, discard..
- Discard. - Yes.
You get to... get rid of it.
You know, you acknowledge it.
Aren't you sick of carrying all this shit around? The shame?
You don't need it.
- No, I don't.
- It's not easy.
But you do your step four, you move into step five,
you work it with Father David, and then--
- With Father David?
Why's it gotta be a fucking priest?
- Priests founded this facility. - Of course they did.
When does Lilly get out of the medical unit?
- I'm not discussing patients. - Joanne.
Come on.
Please?
[Lilly]: Can I go?
Just a minute?
Hi.
I gotta start again.
- I know.
- How do you do it? How do you kick this shit?
- I dunno. You just do it, I guess.
One day at a time. [both chuckling]
- I like this jacket. [James chuckling]
It smells...
- Pretty bad. - Yeah. [laughing]
Yeah, but I like it.
Why'd you come get me?
- Had to.
- No, you didn't.
- Yeah, I did.
- No. - I dunno, I guess, uh...
- Why?
- Because...
You know what? Let's get the bus together next time.
- You wanna go to Chicago?
- Yeah. Sure. Why not?
I mean, if you're going.
- Okay.
When do we go?
- Soon.
- Okay.
I love you.
- Then hold on.
- Okay.
Okay.
- Ran over a nursery-school teacher with a Big Wheel.
I did it on purpose.
I was four.
Hit a boy with a bag full of books, broke his nose.
His name was Fred. I was six.
Stole a pack of menthol cigarettes from my friend Clay's mother.
Smoked them and threw up. Stole another pack, threw up.
Stole another pack. I was eight.
Started to lose control at 10.
Stole liquor from my parents more times than I can remember.
I used to steal sips of beer at football games,
drank leftover wine at dinner parties, that kind of thing.
I don't know why I did it, I just did.
At 12... my life was blurred.
I stole a bag of pot from my friend Evan's dad.
Stole a pipe from Evan's dad.
Stole a bottle of pills from Evan's dad.
I smoked the pot in the pipe and took all the pills.
It made me vomit.
And I did it again the next time I was at Evan's house.
At 14, I sold drugs to kids.
Most of the time, I ripped 'em off.
Took too much of their money, or sold them oregano.
They were my age, but they were still kids.
At 15, I started using harder stuff: coke, acid, crystal meth.
I liked all of them.
Sixteen, 17 were more of the same.
Eighteen, same thing, but more.
Nineteen, same thing, but probably worse.
At 20, I started to smoke coke.
Twenty-one, bad year.
I started to smoke crack, which I loved.
I smoked it as much as I could, which was basically every day.
I was throwing up blood, pissing blood, shitting blood.
I was sick all the time.
I don't really know how I managed it.
Twenty-two, I was so fucked up, I barely remember anything.
But there's still one thing I wish I could forget.
[knocking] - Come.
Hello, my son. My name's Father David.
- All due respect, sir, but I'm not your son.
- Okay. Fair enough.
Have a seat... James.
[sighing] So...
You're here for your fifth step.
- I don't believe in the steps, but I'm here to make a confession, so...
- Are you Catholic?
- No. No.
- Then would you be comfortable calling this a conversation?
- I'm sorry, this is... this is a waste of time.
I don't know why I'm doing this.
- So why are you choking to death there? That little inventory?
- It's a conversation... apparently.
Everything on my shit list.
Well, it's...
It's not everything, but...
- Well...
give it to me.
- There's just...
I had this girl.
And, uh... I screwed up.
Fucked it all up. I was a fucking mess.
So I, uh...
So I went to a fucking church.
Right?
And I sat there and I put my hands together,
and I fucking prayed for forgiveness and I...
...prayed to just be normal.
And, uh... this guy comes and sits next to me.
He's a priest. And I think: This is it,
I'm gonna find some kind of salvation.
And... and I'm ready to talk.
I'm ready to just tell him everything.
And he puts his hand on my knee and I'm...
And his hand...
And I fucking switch, y'know?
And I fucking hit him...
And he... he falls to the ground and I just kick the fucking shit out of him, y'know?
Just kicking him and then kicking him and...
I can't stop.
And I just leave him there--
- Gotta let it go. The person you were then is not the person you are now.
I've watched you.
But you can't let it eat you up.
- It just makes me feel so shit.
It makes me so ash... so ashamed.
- You're a worthwhile human being, James.
You got a lot to give people.
And don't you think it's about time you had a fucking life?
Nobody's gonna judge you but yourself.
If I were you, I'd burn that fucking bunch of papers, you know,
and scatter the fucking ashes over the ocean.
You know what I mean? Make peace with yourself.
Let it go.
You're on the way up.
Don't let it drag you back.
- Now why'd you give a shit?
- You came into my life the same way I came into Mike's.
And I know what it can do for somebody.
And, uh... if you don't mind...
...I've decided that I want you to be my son.
[James guffawing] I'm not shittin' ya.
- You want... you want me to be your son?
- Yes, I want you to be my son. - No, you don't.
- Yes, I do. I know all your fucking problems,
and I'm willing to deal with 'em.
Okay? You willing to do that?
You willing to let me call you my son?
No disrespect to your family.
It'd mean the world to me.
The second you get outta here, give me a call, will you?
- Sure.
- James!
James!!
[soft music]
- What's up, buddy?
You made it.
How do you feel?
You've come a long way, man.
You wanna grab a bite to eat?
- Yeah.
Oh, I know a place we can go.
- James, this is a fucking bar.
- Yeah.
No, I know.
- We're not going in there.
- Yes, we are.
[Tom Waits's Lucky Day playing]
Go rack up.
Just give me a minute, okay?
- How you doin'?
- I've had quite a month... and I need a drink.
- Sure. What can I get ya?
- Can I take a glass of that?
- Sure thing.
- But not one of those cocktail glasses.
Give me a big fucking pint glass and fill it to the top.
- Sorry, man. I can't do that.
- Why?
- 'Cause there's no good in what comes in a pint of whiskey.
- That's what I want. Bring it.
- Look, man, it's my discretion, okay? It's my bar.
I can serve who I like and what I like.
- Fill it to the brim.
- Your funeral.
[music fading]
[soft piano music]
- You lying motherfucker.
Fuck you.
[music resumes]
♪ And old Johnny O'Toole
♪ I'll still beat you at pool
♪ So don't cry for me
♪ For I'm going away
♪ And I'll be back
♪ Some lucky day
♪ So don't cry for me
♪ For I'm going away
♪ And I'll be back
♪ Some lucky day... ♪
[harmonization]
♪ You've been waiting for your lover ♪
♪ When you'll discover
♪ She's always there
♪ Walk wild in her summer
♪ She is the drummer
♪ Of your beating heart
[harmonization]
♪ Won't you tell her that you love her ♪
♪ And you'll hug her most every day ♪
♪ You won't ever push or shove her ♪
♪ Find another
♪ She has to stay
♪ She's a woman in a dream
♪ One that makes you fall in love ♪
♪ Though her face is never seen ♪
♪ She is what this love is of
♪ Wake you from your state of slumber ♪
♪ You tumble under
♪ But now awake
♪ Dream forever in your wonder ♪
♪ And never sunder
♪ This is the day
♪ This is the day...
♪ She's a woman in a dream
♪ One that makes you fall in love ♪
♪ Though her face is never seen ♪
♪ She is what this love is of
♪ Oh...
♪ She's a woman in a dream
♪ One that makes you feel in love ♪
♪ Though her face is never seen ♪
♪ She is what this love is of
♪ Like a woman in a dream
♪ One that makes you fall in love ♪
♪ Though her face is never seen ♪
♪ She is what this love is of ♪