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[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]
CHRIS: [SINGING] I'm washing cars
[HIP-HOP MUSIC CONTINUES]
Washing a car Washing a car
Whoo!
Dang it.
Hey. What's up, man?
- Good. Is this your Bimmer? - Yeah.
Okay, cool. I'm almost done. I just gotta do the interior.
- I'm Chris, by the way. - Keith.
Keith. Nice to meet you, Keith.
Be like, five minutes.
- You good. Take your time. - Yeah.
- Where you from, man? - Birmingham, Alabama.
Birmingham. Whoa, okay.
I'm a Florida guy.
Born and raised.
Just trying to hustle, do my thing, you know.
Yeah, same here.
You gotta fake it till you make it, right?
That's it!
CHRIS: That's what I'm talking about.
You know what's up.
Okay. Right on. Cool.
I knew a guy that, like, got a, uh...
[COUGHS]
[MOUTHING] Shit!
That was my high school crush.
- Huh? - I swear to God,
that's my crush from high school.
- KEITH: For real? - Yeah, yeah.
- That's Maria Li. - For real?
I haven't seen her in forever, man. I'm like...
- All right. Yeah. - I'm shaking. Yeah, dude.
That's why I got quiet.
'Cause I promised myself next time I saw her,
I was gonna ask her out.
But I haven't seen her in forever.
I don't even know if she remembers me.
Oh, man. Shoot, you're just shy.
- CHRIS: You think so? - Yeah.
I look like a schlub, though.
Nah, you look good, man.
You think so?
The least you could do is just... "Hey, how you doing?
- "You remember me?" - Yeah?
Yeah, yeah. Okay.
- "Good to see you." - All right. Cool.
I'll vacuum your car
and then I'll get you out of here. Yeah, yeah.
Can you just hit that "on" switch
on the vacuum for me? Thanks, man.
- Right here? - Yeah, yeah. Thanks, man.
[VACUUM WHIRRING]
Yeah, there's probably so many other guys that wanna...
- [HISSING] - Shit.
Oh, shit.
CHRIS: Shit!
Oh, shit! Shit, shit, shit! What the fuck?
- [CONTINUES WHIRRING] - No, no, no.
No, no, no. Oh, my God! Turn it off.
What did you press?
- [WHIRRING STOPS] - Turn it off! What the fuck?
I'm gonna get fired again.
- Oh, shit. - Give me your jacket.
Jacket, jacket, jacket, jacket.
Thanks, man. Holy fuck. Why, why, why?
- What did you do? - I just pressed "on".
- [KEYS JINGLE, DOOR CLOSES] - Shit.
Oh, now, that's Maria.
That's Maria. Holy shit.
- MARIA: Hey, excuse me, sir. - Oh, God.
Hi. Hey. Hi.
Um, do you know how long an interior detail takes?
I'm a little bit in a rush.
I just wanna know how long it's gonna take.
- Um, I'm not sure. - Psst! Psst!
Don't let her leave. Don't let her leave.
[STAMMERS] Okay.
I'm just gonna go to another car wash.
- CHRIS: Wait, wait. Keith! - Okay, thank you.
- Okay. Thanks. - Get her number.
Get her number. Get her number.
- Excuse me. - MARIA: Yeah?
Can I get your number to have somebody call you?
My number? No. Uh...
Thank you, though. I'm... I'm good. Thanks.
- [CAR DOOR CLOSES] - [ENGINE STARTS]
Hey, dude, what the fuck just happened?
She's left, dude?
Fuck.
[SIGHS] I was so close, though.
- No, you weren't. - Damn it.
CHRIS: [ON PHONE] Bud, you will never guess
who I just ran into at the car wash.
It was crazy. Let's hang out.
Okay, cool. I got a customer.
I'll see you after work.
CHRIS: All right, bro. I'll talk to you soon.
BUD: Hi. How can I help you?
I broke this.
Is there any way you could possibly fix it?
I don't know if it's ruined completely, but...
I think there's something we can actually do.
Luckily, we're not as busy...
WOMAN: Yeah. Are you normally pretty busy?
Yeah. For some reason
everybody's breaking their phone.
[LAUGHING]
Can I get your information?
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]
- 0-5-7... - What up, bro?
What up... What up, Trina? What's up?
Nothing much.
- How you doing? - Hi. How are you?
Good, good, good.
Y'all see that car right there?
That's yours?
TRINA: Yeah, that's my Bad Bitch right there.
When you see it, it make everything okay.
'Cause it's kinda like Pepto-Bismol.
- There you go. There you go. - TRINA: It fixes everything.
I like to drink Pepto-Bismol
with a little bit of Hennessy in it.
WOMAN: Really? TRINA: Yeah, it's good.
What you need?
I need 50 bucks.
I'm at work right now.
You can't be in here asking me for money in front of
- everybody like that. - I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry about that. - No, no. That's okay.
This is my little brother. Come on.
First of all, ain't you supposed
to be on house arrest?
TRINA: House arrest, smouse arrest.
Ain't nobody worried about that.
Let me hold 50.
Come on, bro.
[MOUTHING]
- I got $20. - $20?
That's all I got.
- That's it? - That's it.
TRINA: I know you got more than that.
- What are you doing? - Let me see.
- What? - I know you got some more.
- Look at this. - That's just $3.
- You playin' with me? - No, that's my lunch money.
TRINA: No, this is mine.
I'm so sick of you with your stupid threats.
- [BANGS CASH REGISTER] - Give me this.
Fuckin' crybaby-ass bitch.
You ain't never gonna get out this town.
You ain't never gonna be shit. You know what?
Fuck house arrest. Fuck all this shit.
[ALARM BEEPING]
Hey, hold that for me.
And here.
- No, no, no. - That's for you.
Keep your mouth shut.
- But... - You too.
Don't say nothin'. I remember faces.
I'm gonna kill every one of you white motherfuckers
if you snitch.
[WOMAN SPEAKS]
Cheers. Thank you.
Got you a snack to cheer you up.
Cheers. Ding.
- Thanks, man. - Of course.
Don't let her get in your mind, bro.
You gotta stand up to her, man.
You know my sister.
It's hard to stand up to her. She's a bully.
I think Trina's right, man.
I don't think we're ever gonna get out of this town.
- No. - Man, I hate that shit.
No. Trina is not right, dog.
I'm telling you, seeing Maria today,
that was a positive omen, man.
Mark my words, by this time next year,
we're gonna be out of these jobs.
We're gonna be going on big adventures.
All right.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
- [KNOCKING ON DOOR] - MAN: Hello?
[YELLS]
Oh! What the fuck?
Who are you?
- I'm a plumber. - What time is it?
Fuck, I'm late! I'm late! I'm late for work!
I'm late!
Oh, I'm late for work! Shit, shit.
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]
Oh, God!
I cannot get fired.
God damn it.
[HIP-HOP MUSIC CONTINUES]
Shortcut.
Shit.
- [YELLS] - [GASPS]
I was looking at my watch. Sorry!
- [CLATTERS] - Ow.
[SCREAMS] Oh, my God.
Oh! Whoa!
Sorry.
I thought the window was open.
I'm late for work. My bad.
I can help you.
Thank you.
Have a good one.
- Bye. - Bye.
[GROANS, YELLS]
MAN: Shit. No, shit. [GASPING]
I'm sorry.
Sorry!
What the fuck, dude?
I'm late. I'm late. I'm late.
[YELLS]
Oh, shit. Damn it.
I'm sorry about that. Sorry. Are you okay?
- Yeah. - Sorry.
Allow me. Ladies first.
Thank you.
After you.
All right. Nice! I made it.
[WHIRRING]
Can you, um, tell me about the detox?
Uh, it kind of makes you poop.
You'll be in the bathroom for a while.
- Okay. - Yeah.
Yeah. You wanna try our new flavor?
WOMAN: Oh, it's not a margarita?
CHRIS: Oh, I wish.
Put some of this in there.
Some mango or whatever.
But why would you put a spoon in there
if you're gonna use your hand?
Oh, sometimes I forget.
You know, the best chefs in the world use their hands.
No, no, no, no, no.
That's unacceptable.
You work in health care, you know...
Germs actually help your immune system.
No, no, no. You're touchin' the counters.
You're touchin' all these different things,
and then you're gonna put your hand in there
and comment you're a chef?
And we supposed to accept that?
Here, you want money or something? Like...
You can take out of this jar.
Like, it doesn't even go to that. Like...
Can we just all settle on that?
What in the world?
CHRIS: [LOUDLY] Maria!
[CLEARS THROAT] I'm sorry. Was that loud? Maria.
- [STAMMERS] Come, come... - MARIA: Hi.
[STAMMERING] She's a VIP customer.
- Oh. - Yeah, yeah.
Just cut in front of these people.
- Hi, sorry. Hi. - CHRIS: I'm sorry, guys.
How you gonna do that right there?
She's a VIP, but we're in line and we gotta get waited on.
- Sorry. - Chris Carey.
From high school. Biology class.
- You know, "Crazy Chris". - MARIA: Um...
"Retard Chris".
- Oh! [CHUCKLES] - Yeah!
- How the hell are you? - Oh, my God, Chris.
CHRIS: I haven't seen you in forever.
Yeah. I'm actually living in New York City.
Wow, New York! The Big Apple.
Yeah.
Hey, that's an apple I'd like to juice. Right?
What are you doing up there? I've never been up there.
Oh, I'm actually, um, a curator at an art gallery.
- So, yeah. - Right on.
Um, here, uh, have a juice. On the house.
- Okay. Oh. - Huh?
This is terrible. This is not good at all.
CHRIS: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. WOMAN: It's terrible.
I'm at work and it gets crazy at work sometimes.
This is not good.
CHRIS: What do you, uh...
[STAMMERING] What...
What would you say, like...
What do you, uh... What are you doing later?
You wanna, like, get a bite or something?
I... God, I would love to actually,
but I'm on my way to the airport right now.
Yeah, there's this big art show I'm doing on Friday
that I have to get back for.
- Oh, okay. Okay, cool. - So, yeah.
But listen, if you're ever in Manhattan,
you should come to the gallery.
- Wait, what? - Yeah.
- For real? - Yeah, I'll show you around.
- Yeah. Okay. Great. - Thank you for this.
- This is so great. - This is great.
- Okay, I'll see you. - Mix it up.
- I'll see you later.
MARIA: Great seeing you, Chris.
See ya.
Can we order now?
- [WHIRRING] - [SCREAMING]
[CONTINUES SCREAMING]
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God. He fell down, he fell down.
CHRIS: Yes!
[GASPS, CHUCKLES]
You mind if I, uh, ask you for advice?
I just saw my dream girl
and I finally mustered up the courage to ask her out.
I'm in total shock.
- [SCOFFS] - [CHRIS CHUCKLES]
Why? 'Cause she's accepted or what?
Yeah. But she lives in New York, that's the catch.
- So what? - I've never felt this way
about a woman before.
What do you have going here?
I don't got anything going here,
- that's the thing. - No?
I got, you know, my best friend is here.
My friend, Bud.
Man, you know, I say...
[SMACKS LIPS] Go for it.
If you don't, the rest of your life,
you're gonna be sitting here saying, "What if I woulda?
"What if I coulda?"
Yeah. What am I doing here?
I can't...
I can't just wait around and hope for things to happen.
I gotta make it happen.
There you go. Claim it.
Claim it. Yes.
- Yeah. - Thank you, man.
- Thanks for the advice, man. - [SCOFFS]
I'm going to New York.
[SINGING] I saw a girl today
I saw a girl, no way
I saw a girl today
And her name is Maria
I saw a girl today
What the...
The one that got away
I saw a...
- [TIRES SCREECH] - [HORN HONKS]
Holy cow!
And her name is Maria
Whoo! Thank you, man.
I owe you. Thank you. Whoo!
I'm going to New York, brother! Thank you!
Whoo!
He's in love. He's crazy.
[SINGING] I saw a girl today
What? Get off me.
I saw a girl, no way
What are you doing?
I saw a girl today
Get the fuck away from me.
And her name is Maria
Spinning my wheels, I haven't done shit
I'm out of here, I fucking quit
Maria has opened the door
Later, smoothies, I'm off to New York
CHORUS: He saw a girl today
CHRIS: Oh, shit.
He saw her girl, no way
- [CRASHING] - [PEOPLE EXCLAIMING]
He saw a girl today
And her name is Maria
I saw a girl today
I saw a girl, no way
- Shit! - [CRASHES]
I saw a girl today
And her name is Maria
Maria
CHORUS: Maria
The fuck?
CHRIS: I'm telling you,
Maria just fell out of the sky into my lap today.
And said, "Hey, Chris, I haven't seen you in ages.
"What have you been up to?" And I go... [SNIFFS]
"I don't know, I just been working
"at the mall since high school."
And she was, like, "Oh, well, good news.
"I'm your guardian fucking angel.
"And I'mma take you outta this hellscape
"and bring you to the motherfucking promised land!"
So what? I mean, what does that mean?
Look at our lives, man.
Stuck in Florida, spinning our wheels,
bullshit job after bullshit job.
It's finally time for that big adventure, brother.
I'm talking road trip to the NYC!
Hey, has anybody here been to New York City?
Yes!
[SINGING] New York
Concrete jungle Texas albino
My pussy's on fire
Come on! New York, man. Pizza.
- [WHOOPS] - Calm down, bruh.
Okay. I hear you, right? And that sounds good.
Yeah.
But how we gonna get there? We don't have a car.
I figured it out.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
Hell, no. We're not taking Trina's car.
- Are you fucking crazy? - Wait, wait, wait.
Hear me out. Hear me out.
You're the one paying to store her car.
- Right? - Yes.
Trina is in jail.
She's been in jail. She's gonna stay in jail.
She is in J-A-I-L. Prison.
- I'm not doing this. - Okay.
- Trina is crazy. - Yeah, I know. I know.
You know that. We can't take her car.
It's her car.
Just for once, in your whole life,
forget about Trina.
Think about us.
Let's steal that goddamn car and go to New York
and have the adventure of a lifetime
that we always talked about.
I hate you.
[CHUCKLES]
- [BUD GRUNTS] - [LAUGHS]
CHRIS: We're going to New York!
Here you go. Bud Malone.
Yeah, we're driving to New York.
- Looks good. - What's your name again?
Kurt? Bud, Chris. Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet ya. - Nice to meet ya, man.
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]
[INAUDIBLE]
Choo-choo!
[HORN HONKING]
BUD: Check this out, bruh.
I got it all mapped out, all right?
I went on Google Maps yesterday.
I get everything together, right?
We're gonna take the I-95, right?
It's gonna be the quickest way to get to New York City...
No, no, no. No rush, mi amigo.
We got four whole days till Maria's art opening.
We can kick back, relax, and breathe in America, dude.
- Hey. - Ow!
Feet down, man.
You cannot mess up my sister's car, man.
Will you relax?
The car is fine. Your sister's in prison.
She'll never know. What's she gonna do?
Bust outta jail? [LAUGHS]
Bus is all clear.
WOMAN: Psst! Psst!
Excuse me.
I'm stuck up here. I'm stuck.
Can you help me get out?
Please. I'm stuck under here.
Oh, God.
Oh. Thank you.
[TRINA BREATHING HEAVILY]
Oh, shit.
Hey. Shh.
Oh, man.
You see any guards out here or anything?
You better take your ass off. You better take off.
You better fucking... You better run.
Man, I'm gonna get my car, and I'm gonna go to Mexico
and I'm gonna just start all over, man.
Get those clothes off and get the fuck outta here.
Can I borrow your vest?
I can't give you my vest.
You my lookout. I never forget a face.
Go.
Thank you for helping me escape!
OFFICER: Hey.
We had a convict escape. Did you see anyone?
- Where? - Where?
They were here somewhere. Did you see anybody?
No. You said someone escaped?
And you haven't helped her at all?
No. How am I gonna help her?
- By giving her my vest? - I don't know.
Did you see someone out here? I need to know that.
Go that way.
That way?
- Someone went that way? - Go that way.
Go that way?
Go that way.
Okay. It's an emergency.
We got an emergency here.
[INDISTINCT RADIO CHATTER]
[PANTING]
TRINA: Man, I just wanted to thank you.
Go, go, go. He's looking for you.
TRINA: He really?
- They're looking for you. - Oh, shoot. Thank you so much.
- Go. - Thank you so, so much.
I really appreciate you. You got a baby mama?
Run away, please. Get away from me
before I get in trouble.
Thank you for helping me.
Get the fuck outta here.
- Don't! No. Bye! - Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
God bless you. You an accomplice to my shit.
Whoo! I'm free!
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]
BUD: Look, man, you don't realize
how strong she is, okay?
My sister's crazy.
I've told you that a million times.
She doesn't have a regular girl hand.
I once seen her fry some fish with her bare hand.
She grabbed the fish out the batter,
put it in the frying pan.
Set it there till it was done.
That's insane. I've seen her flip barbecue ribs.
No spatula. Hand.
God.
[IMITATES SIZZLING]
Pressing the meat. Bare hand.
I... I don't think I wanna eat at your house anymore.
How you doing?
- Good, good. - Hey, hey. Um...
I'm really excited to get my car.
- Uh-huh. - Uh, it's under Malone.
Pink Crown Vic. Crown Victoria.
Someone just picked that up.
What?
Bud Malone just picked that up.
Bud picked up my car?
Was he with somebody?
Yeah, yeah.
What'd he look like?
Uh, they were African American.
Do you know where they were going?
I think they said, uh, New York.
- New York? - Yeah.
Their name was on the card, so...
TRINA: What's your name, man?
Bob, I ain't trying to go back to jail for killing nobody.
But I'm about to kill somebody, Bob.
You gave 'em my car, now they got to die.
BOB: Sorry.
[EXHALES DEEPLY]
Okay.
Dude, check it out. I got a Chinese finger trap, man.
It'll be like our good luck charm on the road.
How about this?
I'll ask one of these fellow Americans
where a cool bar is.
Celebrate. First road trip.
BUD: All right, whatever you say, man. I'm down.
CHRIS: Excuse me, sir.
Is there a bar around here?
Me and my friend wanna party tonight.
We're going to Electric Cowboy tonight.
Oh, really? Oh, thanks, man.
Yeah. If you wanna turn it around, I'll hold it for you.
Oh, really? [GASPS]
- Oh, shit. - [ALARM RINGING]
Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
Help me. Help me. Help me.
Shit. [GRUNTS]
Quickly, get away. Get away, bro.
Get away from it! Get away, bro.
Somebody just turn it off. Turn it off. Turn it off!
MAN: Get away!
CHRIS: Hello? Where's the shut-off? God!
- I swallowed some of it. - [ALARM CONTINUES RINGING]
- [RINGING STOPS] - Where's the shut-off?
Here, here, here. Hold this.
No, I'm not touching that shit. Get away from it, bro.
Here, let's just get outta here.
That thing is broken, man.
BUD: Come on, man. Not on the seat, man!
CHRIS: Thank you, cowboy man.
WAITRESS: Chocolate glazed for you?
- WAITRESS: Bacon? Sure. - Great.
TRINA: Hey, man. You live in this area?
- Do we? Yeah. - Yeah.
TRINA: You seen this dude?
These dudes right here, they stole my car.
- MAN: No, ma'am. - This is my car right here.
This is my Bad Bitch.
Sorry. No, I don't.
Well, they're all here. They love donuts.
[TRINA GRUNTS]
- You okay? - No, man.
Have you seen this car?
I have not.
This is my car.
My grandma gave me that car for my 16th birthday.
I just got outta jail.
And these dudes, I know they stole my car, man.
OFFICER: Where do you stay at?
"Where do I stay at?" I stay in the Avenues, man.
Okay. You gotta go down to the precinct.
Man, you are handsome.
- Huh? - You are so handsome.
Thank you.
Yeah, you gotta go to, um...
You gotta to the, uh, Zone Four Precinct.
Man.
It's been so long since a man looked me in my eyes.
- You are beautiful. - Thank you.
You gotta go to the Zone Four Precinct.
TRINA: Can we kiss?
- No. [LAUGHS] - No?
It's been so long since I kissed a man.
What's your name, Officer? Can I get your number?
No. I'm married.
So? You a police.
Y'all don't care about shit like that.
I do.
My pussy hairy like a booty.
Hey, hey, hey.
Excuse me. Y'all been out here eating donuts and stuff.
You seen these guys?
Have you seen these two dudes?
- No. - They stole my car.
TRINA: They ain't trying to holla at me.
They're not helping at all.
- WOMAN: Oh, wow. - That's what I'm saying.
WOMAN: So you doing it yourself right now?
- TRINA: Basically. - MAN: Say "yes" to it.
WOMAN: Yes. Say "yes" to it.
You know what? Sometimes you just gotta
- do shit yourself. - Uh-uh. You better not!
- [GASPS] - TRINA: Fuck the police!
I'mma kill these motherfuckers.
WOMAN: Oh, my God!
- Holy shit! - [WOMEN GASP]
Holy shit!
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS]
Hey! Hey, hey!
- Oh, my God! - [GASPS]
[TIRES SQUEALING]
Damn it.
[LAUGHS] He's got to feel like an idiot, doesn't he?
Hey, what are you doing?
CHRIS: Hey, White Chicks.
BUD: [CHUCKLES] Oh, yes.
That's my favorite movie right there, man.
You know something?
The first time I saw that movie, right?
Halfway through I really thought
they were white women.
They look like, uh, burn victims in that movie.
You're stupid. You don't know anything about good cinema.
I'm more like, "God damn, some thick-ass white girls."
Fat-ass booties.
I was like, "they got black girl booties."
Terry Crews was convinced. You saw the movie.
CHRIS: Ah, this is it.
This is the place the cowboy was talking about.
Look at this place, man. Fuck yes!
All right. Whoo!
[LAUGHING GLEEFULLY]
Yo!
Chris, I don't know about this, man.
Dude, trust me. It's gonna rock. Whoo!
BUD: It's called Electric Cowboy, though.
CHRIS: Mmm-hmm. Exactly.
BUD: We're not cowboys.
CHRIS: We're about to be.
[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING]
What do you think, man? Huh?
USA, baby!
We are the only black people in here.
I don't see race. Didn't even notice.
You know what race I see? The American race.
Right out on that dance floor.
Sorry.
Bud, this is awesome!
Get your ass over here.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
- Great job! - Thank you. Thank you.
Let's get some shots, huh?
First night of the road trip.
Couldn't ask for a better partner on the road.
Let me buy you a round.
Let me buy you a round of some shots.
Yeah, this is my best friend, Bud.
He's a little shy.
Cheers. Pick it up. Cheers.
Here's to you, Bud Malone.
- Wow! - This should be it, okay?
Give me one more shot.
CHRIS: I guess it do.
I would have suggested not to do that.
Did he just drink outta that thing?
CHRIS: I drank a little bit too much.
I'll put it that way.
I gotta make a call real quick.
See you later, pal.
What's wrong with him?
He's just so wound up.
He's so uptight. I don't know. Like...
Can we pray for him?
Do you mind praying for him real quick?
I'm not...
Dear Jesus who art in Heaven,
Father be thy name.
Thy kingdom come.
I hope Bud has an amazing time on this road trip.
I hope I get to Maria
and we fall in love...
and we make love and have sex with her without a condom.
And, like, of course I'll make her come first.
And then, I'm kinda free to, like,
you know, jizz whenever I want to.
I wanna make her come first,
but then I'll jizz whenever I want to. So...
- Amen. - Amen.
- I gotta go pee-pee. - [LAUGHS]
I'll be right back.
Uh, excuse me. Where's the bathroom?
Holy shit. I'm sorry.
How much did you drink? Are you a fucking camel?
ALL: [SINGING] Happy birthday, dear Lena
Happy birthday to you
WOMAN: Shots on him. Now, I don't know your name.
BUD: Bud. I've never been out like this before,
but this is fun.
What do you want a shot of?
Hey, DJ, cut the music!
- Cut the music! - [MUSIC STOPS]
I'd like to make a toast
to my best friend, Bud Malone.
What the fuck are you doing up there? Get down.
Yeah, he's a little nervous.
We're the only black guys in here.
He's the coolest guy in the world, man.
- Get down from there! Wait! - I love you all.
[ALL SCREAMING]
MAN: Hey, he all right?
BUD: Oh, shit!
- Are you okay? - MAN: Get him out there.
- [CHRIS GROANS] - MAN: Is he all right?
Come on, come on, come on. Get up. Get up.
[GROANS]
MAN 2: Give him some room. Give him some room.
CHRIS: No, no, no. [GROANS]
NURSE: You just fell off a freaking bar,
so you need to get checked out.
I'm fine.
Do you have a water bottle? Or a cup?
- MAN: I got a wet rag. - Yeah, give him some water.
- [RETCHING] - [ALL SCREAMING]
[YELLING]
Oh, my God.
Okay. I'm serious about calling this guy an ambulance.
- He's not okay if he's puking. - I'm fine.
Somebody needs to get me a fucking drink and chill out.
WOMAN: No, seriously, that's not gonna be good.
- [RETCHING] - [ALL SCREAMING]
CHRIS: Easy now, killer.
[GRUNTING]
[MOANS]
What the fuck is wrong with you? Like, seriously?
I wanted to celebrate you.
This is a celebration of you and your life.
I don't know. Thank you for talking me into this.
Felt good to be out. I needed it.
We should probably get some rest or wash up.
[CHRIS SNORING]
[BUD GRUNTS]
Good night, Bud.
[SCOFFS] Night, Chris.
God damn it. What type of light is this?
What the fuck?
CHRIS: One day closer to Maria.
- All right, let's do this. - BUD: All right. Okay.
I feel good. It's a new day, right?
Yeah, a new day.
Okay. USA.
[SIGHS]
The price of art is skyrocketing.
This is the first one that I wanted to show because it's
the one that there's a lot of debate about.
I was thinking it looked like Lord of the Rings, uh, thing.
It kinda looks like, uh,
a relic.
[MEMBERS GASP]
Maria.
Chris?
Oh, God. Yes.
Yes, Chris! Yes!
[MOANS] Chris.
Chris!
[BIRDS COOING]
Chris!
This looks awesome.
We're doing some free sampling.
Well, let's get, like, three of those,
and maybe some bread.
Hey, looking good, babe.
You talking to my girl?
- I got this. I got this, baby. - MAN: Oh, that's your girl?
- Yeah. - MAN: I'm sorry about that.
- Are you sure? - I got this. You all right?
Come on.
MARIA: You like hitting on women at farmers markets?
- What's wrong with you? - MARIA: Piece of shit!
- MAN: Crazy ass. - What the fuck are you doing?
You're fucking hitting on me here?
MAN: What's wrong with you?
Damn. What the fuck?
- Fuck. Crazy bitch. - That is hot.
What are you looking at?
WOMAN: Hey, he's blind. He's blind.
He's blind. Please!
MARIA: Fucker.
[BLIND MAN GROANS]
Get his money. Get his money. Get his money.
- No! He didn't do anything. - What is happening?
Run. Let's run. Let's run. Let's just go. Let's just go.
MARIA: Go, go, go!
MAN: Go, go, go!
WOMAN 1: Oh, my God. WOMAN 2: Stop!
[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING]
I now pronounce you man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
[CHEERING]
And you may now
kiss me.
Uh...
- [CROWD EXCLAIMS] - What?
WOMAN: Oh, my God.
[CROWD EXCLAIMS]
[ALL MOANING]
- [SNORING] - [HORN BLARING]
- [YELLS] - [TIRES SCREECH]
[HUFFING]
[CLEARS THROAT]
Okay, there's no way White Chickswould work
- in real life, man. - I'm telling you...
They look like bleached Ninja Turtles.
Bruh, matter of fact,
this lady right here. That could be a brother.
CHRIS: That's ridiculous. Okay, watch this.
- Excuse me, miss. - Yes?
Are you a black man?
No.
Case in point.
Why would you ask somebody that?
You said that it could work.
It'd look frightening.
Wait a minute. What is this?
[LAUGHS] The zoo? Come on, man.
You know I love zoos.
We gotta do this, bruh.
I think we got time, right?
Yeah. We're more than halfway there.
We're making great time.
- CHRIS: Thank you, ma'am. - No problem.
Or black sir.
- BUD: Take care, brother. - [CHUCKLES]
Dude, zoos are sick!
- This makes me happy, man. - You're having fun,
- aren't you? - I'm having fun.
Look at that. That's a fancy cat.
[PURRING]
- Two buds on the road. - What up?
- Booyah. - Booyah.
I like it, man.
- This is a good idea. - Yeah, man.
CHRIS: Zoo life, baby!
GUIDE: Right now, we'd like to take you guys
up here to see our wolves
and our large primate area.
Do me a favor, everybody,
and keep just a little bit of room off here.
Okay, come on in.
Oh, I like the Silverback.
Hey.
GUIDE: Step on in, guys. Step on in.
Guys, this is Jesse. Everybody can say hi to Jesse.
- Dude. - GROUP: Hey, Jesse.
Gorilla.
CHRIS: Dude.
- [WHISPERS] The gate's open. - Why don't you close that?
- Put it down. - CHRIS: Shut up.
I'm gonna get a selfie with the gorilla.
- No. No. - Yes. For Maria.
Come on. It'll melt her heart.
Are you crazy?
Come back here.
Shut up. Don't wake him up.
- What the fuck are you doing? - Shut up. Keep it down.
BUD: Hey. No, don't.
Come back here.
Come back here. Here.
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS] - BUD: Hey.
JESSE: Good.
Very good. Good work.
So this is Gideon,
and he is our primary ambassador wolf over here.
And Gideon is really, really good at jumping.
[GASPS]
JESSE: Good.
- [GROWLS] - [YELLS] He's got my leg!
WOMAN: [SCREAMING] Oh, my God!
GUIDE: Sir! Sir, you can't be in there.
WOMAN: Oh, my God!
- [GROWLING] - Oh, my God!
[WOMEN SCREAMING]
Hey, hey.
Please.
Be quiet. Be quiet.
GUIDE: Don't look him in the eye.
I'm so scared.
Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no!
Oh, my God!
MAN: Oh, my God! GUIDE: Stay calm.
- Stay calm. - Bud, help me.
WOMAN: Oh, my God.
[CHRIS GROANING]
- Stop that! - CHRIS: Oh, my God!
[ALL SCREAMING]
BUD: You fucking a man.
He's a human being.
Oh, my God. Fuck.
- What's his name? - His name is Chris.
Chris, come on!
- [YELLING] - WOMAN: Stay still.
- Shit! Shit! - Stay calm. Stay calm.
- Stay calm. - Shit!
- Oh, shit. - Jimmy, back in.
Jimmy, back in. Bananas for you.
WOMAN: Shit! Damn, we on this.
Help me, Jesus. Jesus!
- GUIDE: Back in there. - Jesus!
BUD: Would you put the lock on or something?
- GUIDE: Good boy. - Why did you go in there?
The rest of us have kids.
I wanted to take a picture.
You wanted to take a picture of the gorilla?
- Face to face? - Yeah, for this girl.
WOMAN: Would she go in there for you?
- CHRIS: No. - Exactly.
So why are you going in there for her?
I'm trying to get her to be my girlfriend.
She's not your girlfriend yet?
No. I gotta get my cell phone.
- No, you can't go in there. - What the fuck are you doing?
Sir, you can't go in there.
If that damn thing come back, you gonna be through.
Oh, here it is.
[ALL EXCLAIMING]
BUD: Keep your mouth closed!
[ALL EXCLAIMING]
WOMAN 1: What are you doing in there?
WOMAN 2: Oh, Lord, have mercy.
Bud.
WOMAN 3: How did he get in there?
WOMAN 4: Pull your pants up, buddy.
TRINA: Hey, excuse me, brothers.
- Y'all seen this car today? - MAN: No.
This my brother Bud and his friend Chris.
This dude don't look familiar to you at all?
- No. - You sure you don't know them?
I'm pretty sure I don't know them.
Okay. We gotta walk. Okay?
This ain't you, man?
- That ain't. - Your name ain't Craig?
Yeah.
And you're telling me you don't know them?
You sitting up here lying to me in my face?
This is you and them.
You, Bud, Chris.
Craig.
- Where'd you get that picture? - This is you!
- I know. - Your name is Craig, right?
It is. And I don't know them.
Where is these dudes at?
Dude, I don't know where they're at.
Well, when you see them...
The next time you see these motherfuckers,
let 'em know I'mma kill their ass.
Well, I ain't got your car, and stop yelling at me.
No, you know where my car at, Craig.
I've seen your ass on Facebook and everything with them.
What the fuck are you talking about?
TRINA: Where's my car at?
Ask your fucking brother!
Well, tell me where my brother is!
And why the fuck would I know that?
Because you're taking pictures with these niggas!
[SOBBING] I just want you to tell me where my car is.
Well, if I knew where your car fucking was, I would.
Would you?
- Yes, I would. - Would you really?
- Would you? Really? - Yes. Why wouldn't I?
'Cause I feel like you lying to me right now.
I feel like you are a motherfucking liar!
You feel like everybody's lying to ya.
CHRIS: Oh, God.
Still got that gorilla cum taste in my mouth.
Ugh.
Does Trina got any mints in the car?
Hey, hey, hey. Look, don't be going around
digging in the car like that, okay?
CHRIS: Dude, she's got a ton of mints in here.
- This is great. - What?
Boy, if you gonna have a mint, I want a mint.
- CHRIS: All right. - Let me get some.
You need it more than me, homie.
Your breath is so bad,
people look forward to your farts.
Oh, okay. Your breath smells like Steve Harvey's mustache.
I don't even know what that smells like but...
You're pretty funny, man. [LAUGHS]
You're, like, way funny tonight.
[CONTINUES LAUGHING]
Yeah, I'm boiling.
[IN DISTORTED VOICES]
Hello?
I mean, it's moving.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]
[BOTH LAUGHING]
CHRIS: Can you put this on your finger?
Sir, if you carry on doing that,
I will turn around and punch you
in your goddamn face.
CHRIS: Ooh. Electrolytes.
Maria?
- [WOMAN SCREAMING] - Maria! Maria, where'd you go?
[VOICE DISTORTING]
I look perfectly normal.
I look great.
Yeah, motherfuckers! Try to find me now.
[LAUGHING]
[GROWLS]
Oh, my God.
Snowball fight.
[GRUNTS]
Yeah!
- [GRUNTS] - [GROWLS]
[SHUDDERING]
- Are you Maria? - Nah. My name is Will.
Let's go to the dream place.
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
- [WHISPERS] Chris. - Huh?
Where are we?
Oh, fuck, I got a headache, man.
What happened last night?
- I don't even know. - Oh.
I really gotta pee.
Ah!
[GROANS]
BOTH: Fuck!
Ow! Why are our dicks in a Chinese finger trap?
What did you do to us, man?
I didn't do anything to anybody.
I don't remember a thing!
I wouldn't put my dick connected to your dick.
CHRIS: Maybe if your dick...
BUD: Man, get your hands off my dick.
Sorry, sorry. Just get up. Get up, get up.
- Dude, let go of my... - Stop pulling my dick!
- CHRIS: Come on! - [BOTH GROANING]
BUD: We gonna do this together if we gonna do this.
Okay. I'm gonna go for it!
[BOTH SCREAMING]
Look, there's a golfer over there.
We can ask him to get us out of this.
BUD: My God, he's not going to fucking help us.
CHRIS: Help!
[PANTING] Help us.
Please. We got stuck in this thing.
How'd you guys do that? What the fuck did you guys do?
How do we get outta this?
Just, uh, relax your dick
- and friggin' pull it out. - CHRIS: Okay.
[SCREAMING]
Push them together. Push together.
Walk together. Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Okay. Okay.
Just, uh...
I have no idea what to fucking do.
You need to cut that fucker in the middle.
Hey, hey, easy, Harvey Weinstein.
Get the fuck out. I'm gonna play golf.
- Go! - You turned on us.
Yes! Get the fuck outta here.
Go! Before I hit...
You wanna really... Fuck. Okay.
- Let's go. I'll do it. - No, no, no!
- Okay, okay, okay. - Get the fuck outta here.
Okay, okay, okay, I'm sorry, man.
[SCREAMING]
CHRIS: We'll go to a barber shop.
They got scissors.
Hey, sir, can you get our dicks outta this thing?
BARBER: Yo, man! I promise you!
CHRIS: Hey. Hey. Hey.
BARBER: I promise you, my nigga. I promise you.
CHRIS: Hey. You know where to get a...
BARBER: Yo, get the fuck outta here!
CHRIS: He's got a knife.
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
- CHRIS: Help! Help us! - [BUD GROANING]
CHRIS: Help us!
- BUD: Oh, shit. Shit. - Oh!
CHRIS: Okay, okay.
It's a Chinese finger trap.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
CHRIS: Help!
Just come this way! Ow! Ow!
Help us.
Somebody, help us!
Somebody! Help! Oh, my God. Somebody!
Come this way, please!
BUD: Wait, chill! Would you?
I don't know what to do!
- Okay. - BUD: What the... No!
- It's do or die! - [BOTH SCREAM]
- [ALL EXCLAIM] - [BOTH GROANING]
We're free! We're free!
BUD: Does anybody got any ice?
Can I borrow water? Can I?
It don't even matter. I just wanna...
BUD: It's really hard to concentrate on food
when your dick was just attached to another man's.
CHRIS: I don't know, man. I'm pretty hungry.
BUD: All right. So, you're about to see Maria.
Do you know what you're going to say
to her once you see her?
You know in the Boyz II Men video
when the baritone dude breaks it down?
- Yes. - And he's like, "Damn, girl.
"Ooh, I would suck a skittle out your bootyhole, girl."
That's not in any of the songs.
It's similar.
- Question. I have a question. - Yeah, go.
Can my friend try something on you real quick?
And I just wanna see how you'll react to it.
Okay.
I'm in love with an angel. Chasing a girl.
Mmm-hmm. So I'm just gonna go up to her and say, like...
"I love you.
"Let's make love under the sunset, us two."
CHRIS: Yeah.
CHRIS: Oh, okay.
Okay.
Ooh.
Yeah. That's what I was saying to him before.
That's the kinda stuff I was saying.
- At first? - Let her make the first move.
Quick question, 'cause you keep saying "at first."
When is the best time to, like, all right.
Now you say all the nice stuff,
and you be like, "Okay, now sexually..."
Oh, so this is still on the first meeting?
Same.
"Genders and genres"? God damn.
[UPBEAT SONG PLAYING ON RADIO]
BOTH: [SINGING ALONG] Traveled down the road
And back again
Your heart is true
You're a pal and a confidant
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]
[ENGINE STALLING]
CHRIS: Yeah, our battery died.
Thanks so much for doing this. The car's making crazy noises.
All right, start revving it.
- [CRACKLING] - [GROANING]
What did you do to my friend?
- I didn't do anything. - BUD: You okay?
She revved the thing. I don't know.
You told me to do that. Don't play that.
CHRIS: Why did you do that?
You asked for a fucking jump.
Don't play with me, motherfucker.
I'm coming to fuck y'all up.
[YELLS]
[SONG CONTINUES PLAYING]
This is good.
[SNIFFS]
- Right here or... - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [STOMACH GRUMBLING] - [GROANING]
Oh, jeez. Oh, it's starting.
[FARTING]
- [BANGING ON DOOR] - BUD: Help!
What happened?
- BUD: Fuck. - What happened?
I'm stuck.
[SOBBING] I'm sinking.
- Shit. - I know. Come here.
[GROANING]
Wait a minute, go get some butter.
Butter me out of this thing.
[BUD SCREAMING]
Shit! [GROANING]
Oh, my God.
- BUD: It's all over me. - Oh, my God. What the fuck?
[YELLS]
[LAUGHS]
[SONG CONTINUES]
[SINGING ALONG] Thank you for being a friend
[VOCALIZING]
[SONG ENDS]
[LAUGHS]
Y'all seen these dudes before? Right here?
MAN: I don't know them.
- Hey, brother. - MAN: What?
I'm looking for these dudes right here.
They stole my car. Look at it. She beautiful.
[LAUGHS] That's a colorful car.
TRINA: This is Bud right here.
He, like, this tall, real dark.
Real, kind of, chubby. Look like a peanut.
This dude right here, Chris,
got a big nose, that white boy nose,
- but black features. - MAN: All right.
Matter of fact, might have to staple his nuts.
You know what I'm saying?
If y'all see these niggas right here, they stole my car.
- I'mma kill these niggas. - [SNAPS STAPLER]
Just like that.
Just like fucking that.
Uh-uh! Don't tear up in here, now.
That girl, she could've came in here
- and just started blazing. - MAN 2: Exactly.
CHRIS: You didn't get that new Wesley Snipes CD?
BUD: Wesley Snipes don't make music, man.
CHRIS: Man, he made the Bladesoundtrack.
BUD: No, he didn't. CHRIS: Yeah.
And he's got that song.
[CAR DOORS CLOSE]
Where do you wanna sit at?
- Is anybody sitting here? - No.
No?
WOMAN: Crazy girl just came in here
and said she's gonna kill somebody.
WOMAN: See that brother right there?
Said she gonna kill him if he stole her car.
What the fuck is that?
Oh, fuck.
That's them. That's them.
BUD: I gotta get the fuck outta here, bro.
CHRIS: Wait, wait, wait.
WOMAN: I told you that's them.
- That girl wanna kill 'em. - Who put this up?
MAN: She was coming through the restaurant with them.
CHRIS: What'd she look like?
About 5'5".
African American. Lighter than you.
I mean,
light color.
CHRIS: That could be anybody.
Y'all driving around in a hot pink car that say "Bad Bitch."
She gonna find y'all.
I mean, there's a lot of cars that say that.
That say "Bad Bitch" on the back? [LAUGHS]
She said you her brother. She said...
"Oh, that's Bud.
- "I'm killing him first." - I don't think she cares.
Oh, I gotta get the fuck outta here.
She's a killer. That girl's a killer.
She's a real killer?
She got marks on her face. She got teardrops on her face.
- That bitch'll kill you. - CHRIS: Stay!
- Stay! Bud, man, please. - Man, fuck you, man.
CHRIS: Bud, please. We are almost to Maria, man.
He's not a good friend, Bud.
I told you it's them.
- I don't forget nothing, baby. - CHRIS: It could be anybody.
- Eyes. - BUD: Fuck you.
CHRIS: No, fuck you. We're staying here.
No. We gotta take the car back, bro.
- No, we do not. - Oh, shit.
What I told you? Did I not tell you?
Listen to me, we are so close.
- No, you're not listening. - We are staying here.
These people don't know what they're talking about.
The hell? Y'all gonna say I'm lying?
WOMAN 2: She said she's trying to kill y'all.
You just missed her.
She seemed angry?
Very angry.
WOMAN 2: You have to take the car back.
She's supposed to be in jail.
She's supposed to be in a jail?
CHRIS: She's supposed to be.
That's why I don't know if it's her for sure.
It's her. She said she gonna kill y'all.
Y'all stole her car.
Now go ahead on from over here.
Go, go. I don't wanna die with you.
- Go ahead on. - No, no, no.
- Get your ass from by me now. - Wait, wait, wait.
No. I just need information. I just need information.
Get your ass from by me.
CHRIS: Wait, wait, wait.
Bud. Bud. Bud.
Fuck that. No. We gotta take her car back now.
- We're so close to New York. - Get in the car.
- We're going back to Florida. - We're going to New York.
- No. - Please!
"I gotta take her car back. I gotta take her car back."
WOMAN 2: Oh, my God.
I said, "That nigga finna kill you, nigga."
MAN: I heard that. [LAUGHS]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Hey, did you see these dudes? Did they come up in here?
'Cause I know they love chicken.
- Girl, you just missed them. - Them motherfuckers was here?
I was about to call you.
Did anybody here see
which way these motherfuckers went?
- They went that way. - That way.
They got in the car and went that way.
TRINA: I'm finna fuck these niggas up.
- Fuck these niggas up! - Fuck them niggas up!
Damn it. I missed it.
- Bop-bop. - [STAPLE GUN FIRING]
Oh, shit. Let me get the fuck outta here.
What the fuck, man?
How the fuck did she get outta jail, man?
- We'll figure it out later. - God damn it!
We gotta get to Maria, please.
We're going back to Florida right now!
Trina's on our ass. [STAMMERS] Look, I can't
do this shit, man. We gotta take the car back.
Bud, stop living your life in fear of your sister, man.
You know how crazy Trina is. She gonna fucking kill us.
You need to stand up to your sister for once, man.
We're going back to Florida, all right?
- No, we're going to New York! - No.
Come on. I gotta see Maria!
- No! - [TIRES SCREECHING]
- [CROWD EXCLAIM] - Oh, my God.
MAN 1: You all right?
MAN 2: Oh, shit.
Shit.
[GRUNTING]
WOMAN: Y'all okay?
MAN: You guys can move? WOMAN: Call 911.
BUD: Fucking asshole.
- Uh... Uh... - Sit down. Sit down.
Let's sit down. Let's sit down.
No, we gotta get to New York.
Let's sit down.
We're never getting to New York now.
What the fuck you did?
Maybe we can get somebody to help us fix it.
We get back on the road, and we get to New York.
BUD: New York?
You know somethin', man? You ain't a real friend.
Real friends wouldn't do shit like this.
You're an idiot, man.
- I'm done. You bitch. - I am done with you.
- Don't! Hey, hey, hey, man. - Get the fuck away from me.
Come on, bruh.
Chill out. Hey, you take a seat, man.
- Yeah, you take a seat, Bud. - Chill out, man.
- Hey, you take a seat as well. - Listen to him.
Y'all need to talk this shit out, man.
Listen to him.
Listen, you shut the fuck up, man.
That's my sister's car, man.
I told you this was gonna happen.
- See? - You ain't listen.
And if we wait here till the police come, we going to jail.
- No. - That's a stolen car.
[ALL GASP]
Hey, hey. Hey, man.
Chill out. Chill out, man. Chill out, bro.
- Fucking kick you in the face. - Chill out, man. Hey.
CHRIS: What are you gonna do about it?
That's why you have no job. You're a fucking loser.
All you do is make stupid ass decisions.
Hey, man, he got a concussion, man,
so he don't know what he's thinking.
BUD: He's a fucking idiot. This is how he always thinks.
I mean, he probably is, man.
But right now's not a proper time for that, man.
Hey, chill out, man.
I'm done with you, man. Look at that shit.
- Look at it! - Yeah, you do need
- to look at that shit. - CHRIS: It's your fault.
It is kinda fucked up. You need to look at that shit.
It's my fault?
- [ALL SCREAM] - No!
BUD: Shit, man. This is all your fucking fault.
CHRIS: Fuck you.
- Chill. We gotta get back... - You better stay away from me.
- ...before this car blows up. - CHRIS: It's your fault.
It don't matter whose fault it is.
- We gotta get outta here. - It's his fault for being
- a pussy his whole life. - BUD: I'm done, motherfucker.
CHRIS: Not standing up to his sister.
No. No, listen. That don't even matter right now,
because that car explodes, we all dead.
So let's get away, y'all,
- and talk about it. - I'm done.
- Let's go. Let's go. - I'm done.
- You are done. Let's go. - I'm done!
I'm done with you, too.
Yeah, exactly. Walk away.
I'll get to New York on my own.
I don't need any of you.
Stupid fucking car.
MAN: Hey, watch out for that gas, man.
Hey, listen, you gonna walk to your death if that...
You know what, man?
I don't need him. I don't need anybody.
I'll get to New York on my own.
Get to New York on my own.
What about you, Lexus?
- [TRUCK HORN HONKS] - Going to New York!
Come on!
[SIGHS]
BUD: All you do is think about yourself, man.
Bud?
Bud. Bud. Bud.
- Oh. - What?
I thought you were Bud. With the glasses.
You look like my best friend, Bud. And I miss him.
All right, sir.
Bud? Oh.
I thought you were my friend, Bud.
I miss him.
[SOBBING]
Bud? Bud? Bud?
What's up, bro?
Oh, I thought you were my friend, Bud.
Everybody got a friend named Bud nowadays.
CHRIS: Yeah.
Bud!
What wars are going on now?
- What wars? - Yeah.
We've still got conflict in,
you know, across the Middle East.
I just wanna go over there 'cause...
I just wanna die.
Man, what's going on to make you say that?
I lost my best friend.
We got in a huge falling out kind of fight.
I'll go over to Afghanistan or Iraq,
stand on the front lines and then just bombs away.
I understand you're going through a hard time right now,
but that's strong words saying you wanna die, brother.
I'll go to Vietnam or whatever
and I'll just get shot by everybody.
I will suck your dick if you kill me.
- Get it together. - Please, man.
- Get it together. - Please.
- [SOBBING] - Get it together.
Right now you're acting like a danger
to yourself and to others.
I hate myself. [CONTINUES SOBBING]
Please stop. Stop, stop.
You're okay. All right?
Look, you're in a bad place right now.
You've talked to me for five minutes
and you've offered
- to suck my dick to kill you. - Yeah.
I mean, you know that's not right.
Right.
I get it, brother. I've been in a bad place before.
- Yeah. - You know, everybody has.
Yeah.
You just gotta get it together, man.
Talk to your buddy and apologize to him,
and you'll be fine.
Just tell him how you feel.
- Just tell him you're sorry. - Yeah, yeah.
And if he's really your friend,
and if you guys have been friends
for as long as you have...
- Yeah. - ...he's gonna forgive you.
Yeah. God! Dude.
[LAUGHING]
Let's bring it in, brother. Thank you.
I was kinda out of it, man.
You really brought me back.
You brought me back, brother.
Sir, I salute you.
You too, sir.
And I salute your shorts.
- [BOTH LAUGH] - Have a good day.
Yeah! I'm gonna...
Oh, you know what? The bus is leaving soon.
- You gotta go. - I should go. Thank you.
Thank you.
[INHALING DEEPLY]
[SWEEPING MUSIC PLAYING]
CHRIS: Stop the...
Stop the bus! Hey!
- [BANGING ON BUS] - Stop the fucking bus!
MAN: He's saying stop the bus. Stop the bus.
[GRUNTS] Hold that bus!
Please, please.
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. Thank you.
Sorry, sorry, sorry. Sorry. I'm sorry.
I need to talk to my best friend.
I can't let you guys go any further.
Bud. [PANTING]
Please.
For the first time in my life, let me apologize.
I am so, so sorry, man. I'm shit.
I realized I'm shit. I'm an asshole.
- Miss, I'm an asshole. - WOMAN: Okay.
CHRIS: I suck shit out of assholes.
That's what I am. I'm lower than that.
And I'm sorry, man.
I'm sorry I destroyed your sister's car.
I'm sorry I took advantage of you.
And I know you probably never wanna talk to me
for the rest of your life,
but just know that this trip
has been the adventure of a lifetime.
And I'm so grateful I had you by my side.
And you're the best friend a guy could ask for.
WOMAN: Aw.
So you think you could just
chase a bus down,
bang on the windows, jump on here,
and just apologize like that and I just forgive you
and everything's all good? Huh?
I... I don't know.
BUD: You thought that was gonna work?
I... [SIGHS]
BUD: Well, guess what.
It did. [CHUCKLES]
That's the best thing anybody's ever done for me.
Look, man, you're my best friend, bruh.
Aw, that's so sweet.
Sorry. I'm sorry. [CHUCKLES]
So, look, you wanna still make
this trip to New York, I'm down.
Don't fuck with me, man.
I'm really vulnerable right now.
- Are you being serious? - Forget my sister.
Yes, you are going to see Maria.
Yes!
New York City, here we come, baby!
[ALL APPLAUDING]
Yes! Yes!
We're going to New York. Yes! Yes!
Let's go. Let's go. Can I give you a hug?
I love you, man.
I don't know you, but I love you, man.
Let's go. Take this bus to New York!
- [LAUGHTER] - No. No.
BUD: Get the fuck out.
WOMAN: That was the craziest shit ever.
[HIP-HOP SONG PLAYING]
[BLOWING WHISTLE]
CHRIS: Dude, this is awesome!
BUD: Wow.
We made it, man.
Damn it. I left Maria's business card in the car.
- Seriously? - Damn it.
Do you know where the galleries are?
- Straight that way. - That way? Thank you.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, Chris! - Shit. I'm sorry.
Excuse me, do you know where Maria's gallery is?
- I have no idea. - CHRIS: Maria Li.
She's like, half Chinese.
MAN: I have no idea who that is.
CHRIS: She's really sweet.
She stuck up for me in high school.
She's probably the hottest girl in New York City.
You gotta know who she is.
[STAMMERS] I don't really know...
CHRIS: You're not from here?
TRINA: I'm about to get these motherfuckers.
Mmm-mmm.
BUD: Hey, hey. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
There it is right there.
That's where your girl at, brother. [LAUGHS]
CHRIS: I'm freaking out.
[STAMMERS] I can't feel my throat
and my hands are disconnected to my body...
Chris. Chris, hey. Chris, calm down. Calm down.
Look, you gotta trust yourself, okay, man?
- [EXHALES SHARPLY] Yeah. Yeah. - You gotta trust yourself.
What you gonna do? You gonna go in there,
you gonna be yourself,
and just talk how you always talk,
and she's gonna fall in love with you, brother.
You got this.
Go get your girl, brother.
Okay, I got this. Thank you, Bud.
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
Believe in yourself.
Put some ChapStick on.
CHRIS: I got this. I got this. I got this. I got this.
Do you have a wristband?
- No. Uh, wristband? - Yeah.
Maria just invited me from Florida.
That's crazy.
I don't have a wristband on you,
or I don't have your name.
- I don't need a wristband. - You do.
You don't know what I've just been through to get here.
You can't be stopping me right now.
You gotta let me in, please. Please.
- No. Take a walk, sir. - Please let me in, sir.
No. Take a walk, sir.
Please let me in. You have to let me in.
- You're not on my list, sir. - Okay, okay, okay.
[GRUNTING] Come on. Come on, man!
I think we got off on the wrong foot.
I just got $2.
- Go that way. - And, uh...
- And I got some Lincolns. - No. Put your money away.
- Looks like one, two... - Pick up your pennies.
...four.
[CHRIS GRUNTS]
Chill out. Chill out. Chill out.
The woman I love is in there.
- Do you understand? - Okay, but chill out.
- It's gonna be all right. - Have you ever been in love?
- Yeah, I am now. - Yeah, so you know
- what I'm going through. - Okay, but listen.
That's not the way you do it.
CHRIS: I sacrificed everything.
My job, my money. I...
I gave this guy the last
- $2.05 I had. - No.
You need to find another way to talk to that lady.
I'm telling you, man, from the bottom of my heart,
I've been waiting, since I was a kid
to tell her how I feel.
So if you've ever been in love,
you will let me through that door.
You letting me in?
Yes! Thank you, man.
[LAUGHING] Yes! Thank you!
This is amazing, man. I owe you my life, dude.
Go inside.
Wow.
[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
MARIA: Hi, you guys.
We just wanna let you know there's an artist
that's gonna be speaking at 3:45.
- Okay. Awesome. - Okay.
So if you're able to stay until that point,
that would be so great.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Um, thank you guys so much for coming today.
This is our second group show.
Some of these artists sell at auction
for millions of dollars,
so we're very excited to have their work here today.
We really wanna hear what you guys think about
this particular collection of artists.
And, of course, Anthony's work which is unbelievable.
And I don't think you ever show anywhere.
Okay, some of you guys can't say. You can't speak.
Because you know some of my work.
Well, I think it's a...
- Hi. - CHRIS: Hey.
- Maria. Sorry. - Oh, my God.
MARIA: Hi. CHRIS: Hi.
Hey, Chris. What are you doing here?
How you doing? I'm sorry. Do you wanna just talk...
- for a second? Sorry. - Yeah.
I'm sorry, guys. Anthony is...
ANTHONY: Okay.
MARIA: He can tell you all about his experience.
I'm sorry, I know you're working.
MARIA: No. Of course.
This is such a nice surprise.
Uh... Maria, I, um...
I don't quite know the words to use right now.
Uh... [CHUCKLES]
So I'm just gonna speak from the heart.
Okay.
Maria, when you walked into my work the other day...
[STAMMERS] I felt something special.
And I knew right then and there
that I would stop at nothing
to be able to see you again.
And, uh...
Trust me, this trip was not easy.
I went through hell and high water to get here.
I experienced emotional and physical traumas
I may never recover from,
but I would do it a million times over
just to be able to tell you...
Oh. Uh... [CHUCKLES]
Maria Li, I am crazy about you.
And I want to start a new life with you.
[CHUCKLES] Oh, Chris. Oh, my God.
That is...
- Thank you... - Yeah.
...for that.
But no.
No.
That's... That's crazy.
[MARIA LAUGHS]
This is just kinda outta left field, and I'm at work.
Yeah.
MARIA: We don't really know each other.
Listen, is it okay if we're just friends?
- Oh! - MARIA: Um...
[TIRES SCREECHING]
[PEOPLE SCREAMING]
[ALL EXCLAIMING]
MAN: It's a cop!
Oh, my God.
Motherfucker!
CHRIS: Hey, hey, hey. Wait, wait, wait!
- You guys stole my Bad Bitch. - CHRIS: Hey, Trina.
- Whoa, whoa. Wait, wait. - Piece of shit!
[TRINA YELLING]
- [CRASHING] - CHRIS: Jesus. [SCREAMING]
- [TRINA GRUNTING] - Stop! Stop!
- TRINA: I hate you. - [PEOPLE SCREAM]
CHRIS: Please stop. Please stop.
TRINA: Gonna fuck you up, you dumb bitch.
Where you running to? Where you running to, hoe?
CHRIS: Fuck!
- [TRINA YELLING] - [CHRIS GRUNTS]
MARIA: No, no, no way! No, no, no!
CHRIS: Please! Somebody help me!
Somebody, help me.
[SCREAMING]
MAN: Hey, hey, hey! Stop, stop!
[TRINA SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]
TRINA: You lying, skinny hoe!
[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]
Oh, fuck!
Shit. Shit, shit, shit.
No. No, no, no.
Shit, shit, shit, shit.
Shit, shit, shit. [SCREAMS]
Shit, shit, shit.
Oh, fuck!
No, no, no. No, no.
- Oh, fuck! - Where's Bud?
Wait, wait, wait. Trina.
You destroyed my car, now I'm gonna destroy you.
[SCREAMING]
You better tell me where the fuck Bud is.
[CHRIS SCREAMING]
TRINA: Shut the fuck up! CHRIS: Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God. Oh! - [ALL GASP]
Oh, help! Help! Help!
- Dead man. - Help! Help!
- Where the fuck is Bud? - [CHRIS SCREAMS]
TRINA: What the fuck y'all looking at?
Mind your goddamn business!
Oh, my God! Somebody needs to help him.
MAN: I can't stand under him.
CHRIS: Please. Talk her outta killing me.
No! I'm gonna let your bitch-ass go.
CHRIS: Help me! Please! Somebody!
Ma'am! Ma'am! Please pull him up.
- No. I'mma drop his ass. - Help me.
The cops won't get here in time.
What the hell you do to her?
You better scale your ass back up that wall!
What?
That nigga ain't worth it.
Hey, I'm from where you from. I'm from where you from.
TRINA: No, you ain't from where I'm from!
- I'm from these streets! - MAN: It ain't worth it, baby.
If you was from the street, you wouldn't be doing that.
MAN: I don't know how to talk. CHRIS: Help! Help!
People from the street don't hang people from roofs.
MAN: [ON MEGAPHONE] Hey!
CHRIS: Can somebody else chime in too and give advice?
[STAMMERS] Don't let it happen.
I know you got children. You got family that love you.
- I ain't got no goddamn kids. - Help!
You got a family that loves you, though.
My family don't love me. My family stole my shit.
There's somebody that loves you.
You better pray for this nigga,
because I'm about to drop his ass.
Lord, help us. Help us right now.
Lord, help us, please. Jesus, help us.
CHRIS: No, no, no.
Don't, baby. Please.
BUD: Put him down!
Bud, is that you?
BUD: Yeah. It's me, friend.
Trina, you heard me. I said put him down!
What? What the fuck did you just say to me?
You heard me.
CHRIS: Kill me first, Trina.
Bud's my brother.
I don't wanna see him die. [GRUNTING]
Lord Jesus.
What? You got some courage today?
You're looking at a new Bud Malone.
That's right. This trip made me better!
Bud Malone ain't scared of shit no more!
Well, you smell like shit!
That may be true.
And for a lot of reasons
I don't feel like fucking talking about now.
But God damn it, I'm not scared of you.
TRINA: Fuck you think you talking to, huh?
You gonna die today.
Go and say hi to Grandma, motherfucker.
I'm gonna live!
You've bullied me, you've picked on me,
and I'm done with it.
You might be saying hi to Grandma and not me.
- What? - That's right.
You think you gonna fuck me up?
I'mma try!
- Really, bitch? - Really!
- Okay, then. - Okay, then.
Let's go.
Give me some, little nigga. I'm so proud of you.
I'm proud of you.
You've been acting like a bitch for years!
You finally stood up for yourself.
I know that I was hard on you, growing you up.
You know what I'm saying?
It was hard for me to grow you.
But that's only because
I didn't want you to be no punk, man.
Look at you.
It fucking worked.
I guess it did.
[GASPS]
- [TRINA CHUCKLES] - Look at me. I'm a tough guy.
- TRINA: You're a tough guy. - I stood up to you.
- You know what I mean? - Yeah, you stood up to me.
- That's crazy. - And I forgive you, man.
- Thank you. - I forgive you.
I didn't think you would. You know what I mean?
- [BOTH LAUGH] - [TRINA GRUNTS]
What the hell was that for?
You did steal my car.
Yeah, that's fair.
All right, bro.
I'm proud of you, man.
I'm real proud of you.
[LAUGHS] I'll catch you in the wind, nigga.
I was ready to eat.
CHRIS: Hey, Maria.
I realize in hindsight this was all a little crazy.
And I was bummed out
because I thought we were soul mates.
But it turns out that I do have a soul mate.
My best friend, Bud.
I mean, the guy saved my life. [CHUCKLES]
So, anyway, I mulled it over...
Get the fuck out of here!
Get out!
Look at my gallery! Look at what you did!
- Assholes! - CHRIS: Let's go, let's go.
- Get the fuck out of here! - Let's go, let's go, let's go.
- MARIA: Now! - Nice to meet you.
- Yeah. Okay. - I'm Bud.
- Get the fuck out! - Shit. All right.
Oh, God.
[MARIA SOBBING]
WOMAN: It's okay.
Thank you.
MARIA: Thank you.
BUD: I wanna thank you for bringing me on this trip.
Bruh, I'm about to do so much. I'm about to do it big now.
You know what I mean? I'mma dress better.
Can't keep wearing these big-ass jeans no more.
[LAUGHS] Bud, I owe you, man.
No, honestly, you do so much for me.
It's time I do something nice for you.
And I think I figured out a way
to finally make your dreams come true.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[OPERATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[WOMAN SINGING OPERA]
BUD: Wow.
I can't believe this, man. This is great.
My dream finally came true.
Is this gonna work though?
- I think. So far, so good. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What do I do? Should I just...
We just gotta have fun.
- Blend in. - Okay, okay.
And change your voice a bit if you can.
- Okay. - Wow, let's do it.
I'm gonna think white thoughts.
- Think white thoughts. - Think white thoughts.
Think white thoughts.
Hi.
Uh... I'm going to yoga and golf later.
Yeah?
CHRIS: And I'm gonna go see Megyn Kelly,
uh, do a TED Talklater.
- Cool. - Great.
- How you doing? - Good. How are you?
BUD: I just got my lips done.
WOMAN: I think you look beautiful tonight.
BUD: Aw.
CHRIS: You know if Dow Jones is here?
Mmm. Ah.
Let's Lady and the Trampit.
I'm looking for a sugar daddy.
Dude, I gotta hand it to you, man.
White Chicks totally works in real life.
I think we found our third link.
- I'm Kitty. - BUD AND CHRIS: Kitty?
- KITTY: Meow-meow. - To Kitty. Meow-meow.
- Are you a white chick? - [CHUCKLES HESITANTLY]
[ALL LAUGHING]
I was penetrated by a gorilla.
- Oh! - [LAUGHS]
CHRIS: Isn't this party fun?
They got all different types of... Fuck!
What the hell, dude?
TRINA: Mmm-hmm.
Trina, is that you?
- Oh! [LAUGHING] - What up?
Trina!
TRINA: You know, since I'm on the run and everything,
I figured I might as well go with this look.
And take it down to Mexico,
and start life all over again as a white man.
How's it feel so far being a white man?
Oh, it's cooler than a motherfucker
being a white man.
I'm living my best motherfucking life.
- You know what I'm saying? - BUD: Yeah.
I got to walk right in this motherfucker,
didn't nobody stop me from shit.
Let me grab your pussy.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
I mean, I'm sick of this
boring-ass ballroom dancing bullshit.
- I'll be back. - Okay.
Anybody tell you you look like a turtle?
Whatever.
Hey, I need you to leave.
I need you to get the fuck outta here!
Cut this music off.
- [MUSIC STOPS] - Go!
I said get the fuck off the stage!
This is my party. All right, come on, bitches.
- Let's do this! - [HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING]
Oh, shit. We gotta do it, man.
BUD: [OVER SPEAKERS] I hope you motherfuckers ready.
[SIGNING ALONG] Y'all gonna Make me lose my mind
Up in here, up in here
Y'all gonna make me go all out Up in here, up in here
Y'all gonna make me act a fool Up in here, up in here
Y'all gonna make me Lose my cool
Up in here, up in here
Go, go, go, go, go.
[SONG CONTINUES PLAYING]
Here we go, nigga Nigga, nigga, nigga
Fuck that nigga Suck my dick, nigga
Nigga
MAN: Get off me.
BUD: Motherfuckers! Yeah!
Whoo! We did it!
Yo, that shit was disgusting, but we got it all on camera.
[ALL CHEERING]
Are you fucking kidding me?
I thought I needed to help somebody.
You see that box right there? There's a camera guy in there.
Yeah, but your throw up is nasty, man.
Yeah, it's gross.
Hey, Adam, wave to the people, Adam.
Wave to them. Say hi.
[ALL LAUGHING]
- MAN: Hell yeah! - Oh, my God!
You guys know you're wrong for that, seriously.
WOMAN: Lord have mercy.
Man! Y'all is playing. This the worst.
- MAN: Give him that moment. - [LAUGHS]
Hold that for me.
There's a camera right there.
Oh, my God. I still don't see it.
Clap it shut. Watch your fingers. Slam it.
What did you think was up with the vacuum?
I was like, "Oh, shit." [LAUGHING]
- Here's your... - I got pranked.
Oh, God.
JEFF TREMAINE: Scalpel.
Oh, how many fingers can you fit in there?
I think we gotta go in the hole.
Get the fuck out.
No, no. You gotta knot it up and put it in.
I trust you back there. I do not trust him back there.
Sorry, man. Shit.
Five-second rule, right?
What if I drive like this?
[LAUGHING]
[CREW LAUGHING]
ERIC ANDREÉ: Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh.
And action.
Oh! What the fuck?
Who are you?
I'm a plumber.
That was amazing. He's like, "I'm a plumber." [LAUGHS]
- [YELLS] - Oh, shit!
- ANDREÉ: Who are you? - What the fuck?
What time is it?
- Yo. - What time is it?
- What the hell? - ANDREÉ: What?
I need my clothes. I'm late for work.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
What the fuck is going on right now?
Hey.
[ALL CHEERING AND APPLAUDING]
Stop! Stop!
All right, Eric, let's set test the rig.
MAN: Squeeze it.
ANDREÉ: And the safe word is "popcorn", right?
If somebody attacks me?
Uh, excuse me. Where's the bathroom?
[FARTS] Oh, God.
I thought that was the urinal.
I'm gonna tell you somethin' right now.
I don't care where you piss,
but get away from me, okay?
Because I don't wanna smell your piss.
ANDREÉ: I'll shower and play pool with you if you want.
I guess he don't understand.
No, okay, all right.
All right, goose bumps or whatever. [CHUCKLES]
Popcorn. Popcorn. Popcorn. Popcorn.
[PLAYING FLUTE]
[LAUGHTER]
You've got the coolest beard I've ever seen in my life.
[LAUGHING]
You just look like an artist
that never sells his paintings and I love it.
You just keep all that art to yourself.
You don't make a dime,
your girlfriend left because you don't pay rent.
'Cause you won't sell any of your pieces.
That's the beard you got. You look amazing.
That's so specific.
Hey. I'm Chris Carey, nice to meet you.
WOMAN: Hi. CHRIS: Hey.
A champagne toast to my best friend, Bud.
- [ALL EXCLAIM] - CHRIS: To the birthday boy.
BUD: What are you doing, man?
- Do you guys wanna hit this? - I do not. Thank you.
- Are you sure? - [BUD AND CHRIS EXCLAIMING]
You're in a movie!
[LAUGHING]
What were you thinking?
I was thinking somebody was coming after him,
and they was gonna come after me right away.
I'm like, "Oh, I have to hide under the table."
[LAUGHTER]
I'm just a typical white chick.
MAN: [ON RADIO] Got the number and the name
of a honky-tonk bar.
Shit. You scared the shit outta me, dude.
KITAO SAKURAI: Make sure it reads as face-fucking.
- [ANDREÉ GROANING] - Yeah.
And then, Adam, look around to me.
Like whip your head around.
- Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Great. - [EXCLAIMING]
SAKURAI: Right, yeah, you just, like,
fuck his face while you're making eye contact.
Like, you're just like, "Who's next."
- [APPLAUSE] - You guys are in a movie.
- [LAUGHING]
I had no idea y'all was shooting a movie.
I ought to beat your butt. Oh, my God.
Hey, man, you're a hero.
Hey, man, I was just trying to make sure everything's...
You're a goddamn hero. You're a goddamn hero.
Thanks for doing the movie, buddy.
They should've probably put, like,
a towel over this when we ain't filming.
It's a buddy film.
ANDREÉ: Thank you. Thank you, folks.
TIFFANY HADDISH: Hey!
- Hey, girl! - ANDREÉ: Thank you.
You are so good.
- You're an angel. - I didn't know what to do.
HADDISH: You was doing a good job.
But y'all just standing there,
y'all weren't even trying to help or nothing.
Because y'all scared as hell.
Y'all just standing there like...
[LAUGHS]
- I know. - WOMAN: That ain't right.
You ain't right.
You was gonna let me kill this black man.
I always wanted to talk to her, you know what I...
Oh, shit. Oh, my God.
Oh, shit! What the fuck? [GRUNTS]
What the fuck?
What happened?
What in the fuck happened?
- What did you do? - Okay. You're naked, man.
Hey, Craig.
CRAIG: You're selling it, woman.
You're selling it.
That is awesome.
- That blew my mind. - [LAUGHTER]
MALE CUSTOMER: They've caught us on film.
MAN: Good job, guys.
I just saw this girl snatch a door off a cop car.
[LAUGHS]
And I was wondering. I was like, "She's strong."
That's wrong. You better get my good side too.
ANDREÉ: Did you think I was, like...
Did you think I was, like, schizophrenic?
I thought you were fucked up.
[ALL LAUGH]
Three...
Four...
[LAUGHS]