0000 00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:10,000 YoubetCash.net Agen Judi Online Aman & Terpercaya 000 00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:15,000 Bonus Cashback Bola 6% Bonus Rollingan 0,80% 00 00:00:16,000 --> 00:00:20,000 Welcome Bonus Rp 25.000 Extra Bonus Tambahan Withdraw Rp 2.000.000 0 00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:25,000 CashBack Mix Parlay 100% Bonus Ajak teman 45,2% 1 00:00:09,240 --> 00:00:11,360 ["We Wish You A Merry Christmas" playing] 2 00:00:11,440 --> 00:00:13,040 [line rings] 3 00:00:13,120 --> 00:00:13,960 Hey, Daddy. 4 00:00:14,400 --> 00:00:18,120 Why are you ringing me now? I'm just on my way to bed. 5 00:00:18,200 --> 00:00:21,120 -Well, I've got a big surprise. -Right. 6 00:00:21,200 --> 00:00:22,760 You know the show Queer Eye? 7 00:00:24,000 --> 00:00:25,600 Who the fuck is Queereye? 8 00:00:25,680 --> 00:00:28,160 The makeover show. The lifestyle makeover show. 9 00:00:28,240 --> 00:00:30,320 Oh no, I know what it is. Yes. 10 00:00:30,400 --> 00:00:33,880 Queer Eye. That's that show you're always crying at. 11 00:00:35,000 --> 00:00:35,920 That's-- I... 12 00:00:36,000 --> 00:00:37,560 I had something in my eye. 13 00:00:38,080 --> 00:00:40,920 -Hi, Michael. -It's so nice to meet you. 14 00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:43,080 [Antoni Porowski] What beautiful pajamas you have on. 15 00:00:43,160 --> 00:00:45,520 Oh, thank you. I wasn't interested in going to bed. 16 00:00:45,600 --> 00:00:49,640 Mrs. Whitehall, Hilary, has had a few Proseccos. 17 00:00:49,840 --> 00:00:51,080 [friends] Oh! 18 00:00:51,160 --> 00:00:53,040 She's kind of a little bit, you know... 19 00:00:53,120 --> 00:00:53,960 Oh, my God! 20 00:00:54,040 --> 00:00:57,160 [Jonathan] They're gonna give Jack a little brother or sister, okay. 21 00:00:57,240 --> 00:00:58,120 [music ends] 22 00:01:00,840 --> 00:01:02,200 [sleigh bells jingle] 23 00:01:02,520 --> 00:01:03,880 [announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, 24 00:01:04,080 --> 00:01:06,680 please welcome Mr. Jack Whitehall! 25 00:01:06,920 --> 00:01:09,440 -[audience cheers] -[choir sings] 26 00:01:09,520 --> 00:01:13,040 ♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪ 27 00:01:13,120 --> 00:01:16,080 ♪ We wish you a merry Christmas ♪ 28 00:01:16,160 --> 00:01:19,200 ♪ And a happy new year ♪ 29 00:01:19,480 --> 00:01:22,960 -[audience cheers] -Hello! 30 00:01:23,640 --> 00:01:26,760 Hello and welcome to Christmas With My Father. 31 00:01:27,040 --> 00:01:28,440 -[audience whoops] -Yes. 32 00:01:28,520 --> 00:01:31,480 This is basically going to be like any family Christmas. 33 00:01:31,560 --> 00:01:34,000 There's going to be arguments, an uncomfortable guest 34 00:01:34,080 --> 00:01:36,560 and at some point, an elderly man will fall asleep 35 00:01:36,640 --> 00:01:38,360 halfway through saying something racist. 36 00:01:38,440 --> 00:01:40,560 [laughter] 37 00:01:41,640 --> 00:01:45,400 We do try to get my dad into the spirit of Christmas each year. 38 00:01:45,480 --> 00:01:48,360 We always put his angina tablets in the Advent calendar. 39 00:01:48,440 --> 00:01:49,520 [audience laughs] 40 00:01:49,600 --> 00:01:51,800 Last year, we added a little roulette element 41 00:01:51,880 --> 00:01:54,000 by sticking a Viagra behind one of the doors. 42 00:01:54,080 --> 00:01:54,960 [laughter] 43 00:01:55,040 --> 00:01:57,000 Yeah. That was a weird Christmas Eve. 44 00:01:57,080 --> 00:01:57,920 [laughter] 45 00:01:58,000 --> 00:02:00,280 I have never seen carol singers run that fast. 46 00:02:00,360 --> 00:02:01,720 [laughter] 47 00:02:02,400 --> 00:02:04,760 For anyone that is unaware of my father, 48 00:02:04,840 --> 00:02:09,560 he has a very, um... specific sense of humor. 49 00:02:10,520 --> 00:02:12,760 It's why I can never bring a girl back home. 50 00:02:12,840 --> 00:02:16,560 The times in my life that I have, it's always been a disaster. 51 00:02:16,640 --> 00:02:18,280 I always remember one Christmas, 52 00:02:18,360 --> 00:02:20,800 I took a girl back to meet him for the first time 53 00:02:20,880 --> 00:02:23,120 and took her back to the family home. 54 00:02:23,200 --> 00:02:26,880 My father was like, "Would you like a tour of the family home?" 55 00:02:26,960 --> 00:02:29,000 I was like, "Please, God, no. 56 00:02:29,080 --> 00:02:31,560 Not the tour of the family home." 57 00:02:31,640 --> 00:02:34,440 I would say that our relationship was doomed 58 00:02:34,520 --> 00:02:36,480 by the time they'd reached the kitchen. 59 00:02:36,560 --> 00:02:37,400 [laughter] 60 00:02:37,480 --> 00:02:39,440 Because in my father's kitchen, 61 00:02:39,520 --> 00:02:42,240 he has a little wine cellar built into the floor. 62 00:02:42,320 --> 00:02:43,400 A little wine cellar. 63 00:02:43,480 --> 00:02:46,600 It's a little hatch door to the wine cellar with a padlock on it. 64 00:02:46,680 --> 00:02:48,800 And my father thought it was appropriate 65 00:02:48,880 --> 00:02:51,760 to walk over it and whisper in her ear... 66 00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:55,520 "This is where I keep my secret family." 67 00:02:55,600 --> 00:02:57,600 [audience laughs loudly] 68 00:02:57,680 --> 00:03:00,400 [applause] 69 00:03:03,560 --> 00:03:05,920 That's not even his worst offense as well. 70 00:03:06,000 --> 00:03:08,520 Worst offense came a couple of Christmases ago. 71 00:03:08,600 --> 00:03:12,360 My sister, who had been let out of the cellar by then, she... 72 00:03:12,440 --> 00:03:13,320 [laughter] 73 00:03:13,400 --> 00:03:16,760 She had a boyfriend coming over for Christmas. 74 00:03:16,840 --> 00:03:20,040 And this boyfriend at the time, he was a slightly... 75 00:03:20,320 --> 00:03:23,160 you know, thicker-set. A thicker-set gentleman. 76 00:03:23,240 --> 00:03:24,280 Well-proportioned. 77 00:03:25,160 --> 00:03:27,200 -Jolly. -[audience laughs] 78 00:03:27,920 --> 00:03:29,640 Morbidly jolly. And... 79 00:03:29,720 --> 00:03:30,640 [laughter] 80 00:03:30,720 --> 00:03:32,280 Big lad. Anyway. 81 00:03:33,080 --> 00:03:34,320 He rings the doorbell. 82 00:03:34,400 --> 00:03:37,520 Me and my sister are in the kitchen. It is like slow motion. 83 00:03:37,600 --> 00:03:41,880 Both of us trying to get to the front door before my father can answer it. 84 00:03:41,960 --> 00:03:43,320 But we were too late. 85 00:03:43,400 --> 00:03:47,560 We arrived just in time to see my father open the door, 86 00:03:47,640 --> 00:03:49,120 not even greet this boy, 87 00:03:49,200 --> 00:03:50,680 just look him up and down 88 00:03:50,760 --> 00:03:53,640 and shout through to my mother in the kitchen, 89 00:03:53,720 --> 00:03:56,600 "Hilary, we're going to need more turkey!" 90 00:03:57,080 --> 00:03:59,080 [laughter] 91 00:03:59,200 --> 00:04:02,800 [applause] 92 00:04:02,880 --> 00:04:05,240 I'm not letting my mum off the hook here as well, by the way. 93 00:04:05,320 --> 00:04:06,640 My mum is also mad. 94 00:04:06,720 --> 00:04:09,960 My mum is a dog mummy. She was my mummy. 95 00:04:10,440 --> 00:04:12,720 And then I left home and I am now dead to her. 96 00:04:12,800 --> 00:04:16,680 -[laughter] -And her only child is her dog, Philomena. 97 00:04:16,760 --> 00:04:17,840 -[cheering] -Yes. 98 00:04:17,920 --> 00:04:19,880 Some fans of Philomena in this evening. 99 00:04:20,440 --> 00:04:24,400 It's got to the point though now where it is obsession. 100 00:04:24,480 --> 00:04:26,040 It is obsession with Philomena. 101 00:04:26,120 --> 00:04:29,200 My old room at my house has been cleaned out 102 00:04:29,280 --> 00:04:32,040 and it has been turned into a shrine to Philomena. 103 00:04:32,520 --> 00:04:35,600 There's pictures of Philomena, there's paintings of Philomena. 104 00:04:35,680 --> 00:04:37,320 There's models of Philomena. 105 00:04:37,400 --> 00:04:41,560 There's passive-aggressive embroidery on scatter cushions... 106 00:04:42,400 --> 00:04:43,840 dotted round the room. 107 00:04:43,920 --> 00:04:46,640 "When I needed a hand, I found a paw." 108 00:04:46,800 --> 00:04:49,160 [laughter] 109 00:04:50,720 --> 00:04:54,200 At Christmas, my mum just goes to town with the presents. 110 00:04:54,280 --> 00:04:58,200 And it is not just the presents that she buys for her dog. 111 00:04:58,280 --> 00:05:01,560 She also purchases presents for herself 112 00:05:01,880 --> 00:05:06,480 that she then wraps up and pretends that the dog has given her. 113 00:05:06,560 --> 00:05:09,560 [laughter, applause] 114 00:05:09,640 --> 00:05:12,680 No. Don't encourage this behavior! 115 00:05:13,720 --> 00:05:16,480 We have to sit there on Christmas Day 116 00:05:16,560 --> 00:05:19,520 as she unwraps these presents that she's bought for herself 117 00:05:19,600 --> 00:05:23,040 and wrapped up for herself and pretended that she's been given by the dog 118 00:05:23,120 --> 00:05:24,400 and sit there and pretend 119 00:05:24,480 --> 00:05:27,440 that this is the behavior of a rational human being 120 00:05:27,520 --> 00:05:30,280 and not someone that needs psychiatric help. 121 00:05:30,360 --> 00:05:33,200 [falsetto voice] "Ooh, I wonder what Philomena's bought Mummy?" 122 00:05:33,280 --> 00:05:34,280 [laughter] 123 00:05:34,360 --> 00:05:36,840 Hopefully a fucking straitjacket. 124 00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:38,640 [laughter] 125 00:05:41,080 --> 00:05:42,680 Then we have to sit through the next bit. 126 00:05:42,760 --> 00:05:45,920 The next bit is the presents that she has bought for Philomena. 127 00:05:46,000 --> 00:05:47,760 I mean, my presents now are a joke. 128 00:05:47,840 --> 00:05:50,160 All I get is passive-aggressive presents from my mother. 129 00:05:50,240 --> 00:05:52,480 -Things like deodorant. -[audience laughs] 130 00:05:52,680 --> 00:05:55,440 A Babygro last year. I was like, "I don't have a child." 131 00:05:55,520 --> 00:05:58,560 -[emotionally] "Don't remind me." -[audience laughs] 132 00:05:59,720 --> 00:06:02,280 Philomena, just ridiculously spoiled. 133 00:06:02,360 --> 00:06:05,480 Philomena got artisan biscuits last Christmas. 134 00:06:05,720 --> 00:06:07,240 Yes, artisan biscuits. 135 00:06:07,320 --> 00:06:08,960 In four different flavors. 136 00:06:09,520 --> 00:06:15,120 Sat there as my mum's feeding Philomena this smorgasbord of artisan biscuits. 137 00:06:15,200 --> 00:06:16,920 "Oh, which flavor did you prefer? 138 00:06:17,000 --> 00:06:20,680 Was it the vanilla and cardamom or the vanilla and cinnamon?" 139 00:06:20,760 --> 00:06:24,840 [frustratedly] "How refined a palate do you think Philomena has, Mummy? 140 00:06:25,320 --> 00:06:28,080 She didn't seem that fussy just now when I took her on a walk 141 00:06:28,160 --> 00:06:30,640 and she was licking another dog's asshole!" 142 00:06:30,720 --> 00:06:34,920 [laughter, applause] 143 00:06:35,000 --> 00:06:38,200 [falsetto voice] "Don't listen to him." [baby talk noises] 144 00:06:39,720 --> 00:06:41,680 "Don't listen to him, Philly." 145 00:06:41,760 --> 00:06:44,200 "Oh, God, and now the dog is licking your mouth." 146 00:06:44,840 --> 00:06:46,600 What is that about? 147 00:06:47,160 --> 00:06:50,200 My mother, who is so much of a germaphobe 148 00:06:50,280 --> 00:06:53,720 she will take a wet wipe to an ATM machine before using it, 149 00:06:53,800 --> 00:06:58,200 yet now appears to be happy to go ass-to-mouth with the neighbors' Shih Tzu. 150 00:06:58,280 --> 00:07:00,280 [laughter] 151 00:07:01,520 --> 00:07:02,360 Anyway... 152 00:07:03,120 --> 00:07:05,160 I'm being harsh. My parents are wonderful. 153 00:07:05,240 --> 00:07:06,720 They are wonderful people 154 00:07:06,800 --> 00:07:08,960 and they've always been so supportive of me. 155 00:07:09,040 --> 00:07:10,200 Even when I was little. 156 00:07:10,320 --> 00:07:11,280 Because as a child, 157 00:07:11,360 --> 00:07:13,560 I was a bit of a problem child. [chuckles] 158 00:07:13,680 --> 00:07:16,920 The problem with me is that I always wanted to be on stage, 159 00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:18,760 even when I was a little boy, 160 00:07:18,840 --> 00:07:22,400 and I was never cast in any of the plays at school 161 00:07:22,480 --> 00:07:24,800 because I was a slightly unfortunate-looking child 162 00:07:24,880 --> 00:07:26,400 and I had a speech impediment. 163 00:07:26,480 --> 00:07:27,640 [audience chuckles] 164 00:07:27,720 --> 00:07:29,720 -[woman in crowd] Ah! -Which is not the funny bit. 165 00:07:29,800 --> 00:07:32,360 -[laughter] -Yes, "Ah." Thank you very much. 166 00:07:32,440 --> 00:07:35,120 -People laughing over there, fuck you! -[laughter] 167 00:07:35,200 --> 00:07:36,040 Okay? 168 00:07:36,120 --> 00:07:38,360 Oh, yeah, laugh at the boy with the speech impediment. 169 00:07:38,440 --> 00:07:41,560 That's not the bit that we're-- Also, it appears to have come back. 170 00:07:41,640 --> 00:07:42,760 -What the-- -[laughter] 171 00:07:43,120 --> 00:07:45,960 -You've triggered me, bitch. -[laughter] 172 00:07:46,080 --> 00:07:48,040 Anyway, I have-- [babbles] 173 00:07:48,120 --> 00:07:50,120 [laughter] 174 00:07:50,480 --> 00:07:55,960 [cheering, applause] 175 00:07:56,120 --> 00:07:58,440 I had a speech impediment. And... 176 00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:01,520 [laughter] 177 00:08:01,600 --> 00:08:03,840 [laughs] And what would-- Stop it! No! 178 00:08:03,920 --> 00:08:05,000 [audience laughs] 179 00:08:05,680 --> 00:08:08,800 I auditioned for all the plays at school and I never got into any of them. 180 00:08:08,880 --> 00:08:12,440 So then what would happen is that my parents would complain to the school 181 00:08:12,520 --> 00:08:17,240 and the drama teacher would be forced to just make up parts in plays... 182 00:08:17,640 --> 00:08:18,600 to shut me up. 183 00:08:19,560 --> 00:08:23,440 And it was deeply embarrassing for everyone concerned, 184 00:08:23,520 --> 00:08:27,440 because I'd be there, stood on stage, giving it my all, 185 00:08:27,520 --> 00:08:31,120 my parents would be in the audience, plastering on a brave face, 186 00:08:31,200 --> 00:08:36,680 but deep down, everyone knew there was no emu in the nativity. 187 00:08:37,160 --> 00:08:38,640 [laughter] 188 00:08:38,720 --> 00:08:40,240 [scattered claps] 189 00:08:42,400 --> 00:08:44,560 Anyone else have one of those nativity plays 190 00:08:44,640 --> 00:08:46,840 -where they just let any fucker in? -[laughter] 191 00:08:46,920 --> 00:08:48,200 Yeah, they're ridiculous. 192 00:08:48,280 --> 00:08:52,560 I was stood up there on stage as the emu, next to a lobster and Sonic the Hedgehog. 193 00:08:52,640 --> 00:08:54,640 [laughter] 194 00:08:55,120 --> 00:08:56,800 My mum would try to cheer me up about it. 195 00:08:56,880 --> 00:09:00,840 She'd be like, "Jack, you never know. There may have been an emu in the manger." 196 00:09:01,320 --> 00:09:04,120 I'm like, "Mummy, let's look at the facts here. 197 00:09:04,640 --> 00:09:07,880 Firstly, emus, native to Australia. 198 00:09:08,440 --> 00:09:11,600 And, more importantly, they can't fly. 199 00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:14,800 So unless this emu was a very strong swimmer 200 00:09:14,880 --> 00:09:17,840 or shagging one of the wise men, I call bullshit." 201 00:09:17,920 --> 00:09:18,960 [laughter] 202 00:09:20,200 --> 00:09:22,560 Yes, I knew that emus were native to Australia. 203 00:09:22,640 --> 00:09:25,120 I knew everything there was to know about emus. 204 00:09:25,200 --> 00:09:28,400 Why? Because I'm a proper actor. I had researched my role. 205 00:09:28,480 --> 00:09:29,720 [laughter] 206 00:09:29,800 --> 00:09:30,680 Yeah. 207 00:09:30,760 --> 00:09:34,320 A role that I so desperately tried to build up in that play. 208 00:09:34,880 --> 00:09:37,400 Oh, I went toe-to-toe with that drama teacher 209 00:09:37,680 --> 00:09:39,800 over her stupid script. 210 00:09:39,880 --> 00:09:43,640 It was basically all one big circle jerk to Patrick Windler, 211 00:09:43,720 --> 00:09:45,520 who'd been cast as the donkey. 212 00:09:45,600 --> 00:09:48,200 [falsetto voice] "Oh, isn't the donkey amazing? 213 00:09:48,280 --> 00:09:53,240 He took Mary and Joseph from Nazareth to Bethlehem." 214 00:09:53,680 --> 00:09:55,120 Do you know how long it took him? 215 00:09:55,200 --> 00:09:58,080 That 90-mile journey from Nazareth to Bethlehem? 216 00:09:58,160 --> 00:10:00,280 It took the donkey four days. 217 00:10:00,960 --> 00:10:02,560 Four days! 218 00:10:02,640 --> 00:10:06,040 Have you ever heard of Waze, mate? That is a joke. 219 00:10:06,560 --> 00:10:09,880 No wonder there was no room at the inn by the time you arrived. 220 00:10:09,960 --> 00:10:13,120 That single star in the sky wasn't God giving directions. 221 00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:14,480 That was his Uber rating. 222 00:10:14,960 --> 00:10:16,360 [laughter] 223 00:10:16,440 --> 00:10:18,040 -Yeah. -[applause] 224 00:10:18,120 --> 00:10:19,600 What do you expect? 225 00:10:20,240 --> 00:10:22,920 What do you expect... 226 00:10:23,880 --> 00:10:26,360 if you pick a dumb animal 227 00:10:26,440 --> 00:10:30,080 with an average land speed of nine miles per hour? 228 00:10:30,160 --> 00:10:33,520 Especially when, in the same nativity scene, 229 00:10:33,600 --> 00:10:37,560 you have the second fastest bird on the planet, 230 00:10:37,640 --> 00:10:42,040 capable of an average land speed of 31 miles per hour. 231 00:10:42,120 --> 00:10:43,720 "What's that?" I hear you ask? 232 00:10:43,800 --> 00:10:46,480 How long would the journey have taken by emu? 233 00:10:46,560 --> 00:10:49,600 -Two hours and 54 minutes. -[laughter] 234 00:10:49,680 --> 00:10:52,360 -Damn straight. -[cheers, applause] 235 00:10:52,440 --> 00:10:54,240 -Yes. -[applause] 236 00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:55,160 Yeah. 237 00:10:55,240 --> 00:10:57,640 [applause] 238 00:10:57,720 --> 00:11:01,240 Mary would be giving birth in the penthouse suite right now 239 00:11:01,320 --> 00:11:02,800 if she'd gone by emu, 240 00:11:02,880 --> 00:11:05,760 and not in some shitty barn next to a cow and a sheep 241 00:11:05,840 --> 00:11:08,280 and freaking SpongeBob SquarePants. 242 00:11:08,360 --> 00:11:09,720 [laughter] 243 00:11:10,360 --> 00:11:12,960 It's not just speed as well, ladies and gentlemen. 244 00:11:13,040 --> 00:11:15,680 Emus are built for comfort as well. 245 00:11:16,360 --> 00:11:18,600 Famously double feathered. 246 00:11:18,680 --> 00:11:23,360 Oh, yes. Emus are like a cushion on stilts. 247 00:11:23,760 --> 00:11:27,360 Meanwhile, have you seen the state of a donkey's back recently? 248 00:11:27,440 --> 00:11:32,160 Oh, 90 miles over rustic terrain straddling that? 249 00:11:32,240 --> 00:11:33,280 All I'm saying 250 00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:37,280 is that if you still want Mary to look like a virgin by the time she arrives... 251 00:11:37,360 --> 00:11:39,160 [laughter] 252 00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:41,360 -hop on board. -[audience cheers] 253 00:11:41,440 --> 00:11:42,280 Oh, yeah. 254 00:11:42,360 --> 00:11:49,080 [applause] 255 00:11:49,520 --> 00:11:51,480 Well, ladies and gentlemen, 256 00:11:51,560 --> 00:11:55,160 I think it is finally time to bring out my sidekick. 257 00:11:55,240 --> 00:11:58,560 -[audience whoops, cheers] -Yes. 258 00:11:58,680 --> 00:12:01,560 -The Ghost of Christmas Past. -[laughter] 259 00:12:01,640 --> 00:12:04,360 Would you please welcome my father, 260 00:12:04,440 --> 00:12:06,640 -Michael Whitehall! -[cheering, applause] 261 00:12:06,720 --> 00:12:09,720 ♪ Here comes Michael Whitehall ♪ 262 00:12:09,800 --> 00:12:12,520 ♪ And here comes Michael Whitehall ♪ 263 00:12:12,600 --> 00:12:15,640 ♪ So old he might have a fall ♪ 264 00:12:15,720 --> 00:12:18,760 ♪ But I know he's insured ♪ 265 00:12:18,840 --> 00:12:25,560 [cheering, applause] 266 00:12:27,960 --> 00:12:29,400 Can I say something to you? 267 00:12:29,480 --> 00:12:31,800 Because it's very nice that those people were... 268 00:12:32,520 --> 00:12:36,760 whatever they do, cheering me when I came on, which is very nice. 269 00:12:36,840 --> 00:12:37,680 Um... 270 00:12:37,760 --> 00:12:40,560 it seems actually slightly louder than... 271 00:12:41,320 --> 00:12:43,200 when you came on. I mean that, no-- 272 00:12:43,280 --> 00:12:46,840 -[Michael] That... -[loud cheering] 273 00:12:46,920 --> 00:12:48,040 I'm sure... 274 00:12:48,120 --> 00:12:49,480 I'm sure that isn't the case, 275 00:12:49,560 --> 00:12:52,000 but it just seemed to me, in the wings... 276 00:12:52,080 --> 00:12:55,800 and it reminded me of that time not very long ago, 277 00:12:55,880 --> 00:12:57,240 two or three weeks ago... 278 00:12:57,760 --> 00:13:00,040 when we went to see a play 279 00:13:00,320 --> 00:13:02,920 and then, when we came out, we walked through... 280 00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:04,640 -Soho. -[audience giggles] 281 00:13:04,720 --> 00:13:07,760 -And these youths were walking-- -Youths! 282 00:13:07,840 --> 00:13:08,960 [posh voice] "These youths!" 283 00:13:09,040 --> 00:13:10,760 We were walking up the pavement 284 00:13:10,840 --> 00:13:14,600 and these youths came down the pavement in the opposite direction. 285 00:13:14,680 --> 00:13:15,960 Three youths. 286 00:13:16,400 --> 00:13:20,480 And they walked past you, because you were walking in front of me, 287 00:13:20,560 --> 00:13:23,600 because your mother and I always, obviously, walk behind you 288 00:13:23,680 --> 00:13:24,880 -in the street. -[crowd laughs] 289 00:13:24,960 --> 00:13:26,560 We know our place. 290 00:13:26,640 --> 00:13:28,600 [audience laughs] 291 00:13:28,680 --> 00:13:33,520 And one of the three youths saw me and came over and said, 292 00:13:33,600 --> 00:13:37,640 "Oh, my God! You're fucking Jack Whitehall's dad!" 293 00:13:37,720 --> 00:13:42,640 [loud laughter, applause] 294 00:13:43,520 --> 00:13:46,640 -And I said to the youth... -[audience giggles] 295 00:13:46,720 --> 00:13:48,000 or youth-th... 296 00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:49,640 [a few giggles from audience] 297 00:13:49,920 --> 00:13:53,400 "If you'd been a bit more savvy with the eyes, 298 00:13:53,480 --> 00:13:57,120 you would have actually passed Jack Whitehall... 299 00:13:57,760 --> 00:13:59,680 who's been walking in front of us." 300 00:13:59,760 --> 00:14:01,720 And he said, "Oh, whatever." 301 00:14:02,200 --> 00:14:04,200 -[audience laughs] -And then walked off. 302 00:14:05,280 --> 00:14:07,880 The lowest point of my professional career 303 00:14:07,960 --> 00:14:11,320 happened when we were shooting the last series of Travels With My Father. 304 00:14:11,680 --> 00:14:15,400 Two American guys walked past you. They recognized you. 305 00:14:15,480 --> 00:14:16,640 Didn't recognize me. 306 00:14:16,840 --> 00:14:18,280 [audience laughs] 307 00:14:18,360 --> 00:14:19,200 They walked past me 308 00:14:19,280 --> 00:14:23,160 and one of them was describing to his friend what our show was 309 00:14:23,400 --> 00:14:26,560 and this was the description that I overheard. 310 00:14:26,640 --> 00:14:29,120 He went, "Oh yes, it's this show on Netflix. 311 00:14:29,200 --> 00:14:32,960 It's about an esteemed elderly English gentleman 312 00:14:33,040 --> 00:14:35,760 that travels the world with his doofus son." 313 00:14:35,840 --> 00:14:37,840 [audience roars with laughter] 314 00:14:37,920 --> 00:14:41,640 [cheering, applause] 315 00:14:41,720 --> 00:14:45,200 One thing I want to do before we move on is I want to set some house rules. 316 00:14:45,280 --> 00:14:47,400 These aren't just house rules for the show. 317 00:14:47,480 --> 00:14:48,840 I think these are also house rules 318 00:14:48,920 --> 00:14:52,160 that I'd like to take through to our Christmas at home this year. 319 00:14:52,240 --> 00:14:56,560 And the most important one is, please, for the love of God, 320 00:14:56,640 --> 00:14:58,440 can we have one year 321 00:14:58,520 --> 00:15:01,240 where we aren't subjected to your dad jokes? 322 00:15:02,440 --> 00:15:05,120 [audience laughs] 323 00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:07,200 [a few shouts, booing] 324 00:15:07,320 --> 00:15:08,720 No. 325 00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:11,160 I am sorry, ladies and gentlemen. 326 00:15:11,240 --> 00:15:12,280 This has to be said. 327 00:15:12,360 --> 00:15:14,840 You don't know what the dad jokes are, okay? 328 00:15:14,920 --> 00:15:17,760 You don't know what I have to go through every Christmas. 329 00:15:17,840 --> 00:15:21,680 Every year, the minute that turkey lands on the table-- 330 00:15:21,760 --> 00:15:22,800 Oh yes, moist. 331 00:15:22,880 --> 00:15:24,280 -[Jack] Oh, my God! -That's right. 332 00:15:24,360 --> 00:15:26,960 [audience cheers, whoops] 333 00:15:27,040 --> 00:15:28,120 No! 334 00:15:28,200 --> 00:15:30,840 He hates the word. You hate the word "moist." 335 00:15:30,920 --> 00:15:31,880 I hate that word. 336 00:15:31,960 --> 00:15:35,600 No son or child should hear their parents say the word "moist." 337 00:15:35,680 --> 00:15:37,600 And it's like it becomes a competition with you 338 00:15:37,680 --> 00:15:40,760 to see how many times you can drop the M-word in front of us. 339 00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:43,240 Yeah, I talk about the moist bird. 340 00:15:43,400 --> 00:15:46,560 The nice, fat, moist bird. 341 00:15:46,640 --> 00:15:50,400 And we talk about breast and legs and all that. 342 00:15:50,480 --> 00:15:53,520 I mean, that's what every father would talk about at Christmas. 343 00:15:53,600 --> 00:15:55,000 -[Jack] No! -No? 344 00:15:55,080 --> 00:15:56,880 And the other one, and I cannot bear it, 345 00:15:56,960 --> 00:15:59,880 and it is like clockwork every single Christmas, 346 00:15:59,960 --> 00:16:03,360 in front of your children, when you are serving Mummy the turkey, 347 00:16:03,440 --> 00:16:06,240 every year, without fail, you say... 348 00:16:07,160 --> 00:16:09,360 "Does Mummy require stuffing?" 349 00:16:09,440 --> 00:16:11,480 -[audience laughs loudly] -I mean, I... 350 00:16:12,080 --> 00:16:13,200 I've always... 351 00:16:13,280 --> 00:16:16,120 -Come on, no! Don't encourage it. -[dad] I've always said that. 352 00:16:16,200 --> 00:16:18,800 -[audience whoops] -It's just a family joke. 353 00:16:18,880 --> 00:16:20,840 -It's not a family joke. -[dad] It is. 354 00:16:20,920 --> 00:16:22,680 Mummy never seems to mind. 355 00:16:22,760 --> 00:16:24,760 [laughter] 356 00:16:25,120 --> 00:16:25,960 [Jack sighs] 357 00:16:26,320 --> 00:16:27,280 But this is the problem. 358 00:16:27,360 --> 00:16:31,120 Looking through our family archive, I've realized you are a serial offender. 359 00:16:31,840 --> 00:16:33,960 This is actual home footage. 360 00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:36,320 Ladies and gentlemen, Exhibit A. 361 00:16:37,280 --> 00:16:39,760 [mum] And the big mother turkey. 362 00:16:39,840 --> 00:16:42,640 [dad] That is a big mother turkey, I must say. 363 00:16:43,680 --> 00:16:44,520 [mum] Yup. 364 00:16:44,600 --> 00:16:48,000 [dad] I've heard of fat birds in my life, and indeed I married one, 365 00:16:48,080 --> 00:16:50,280 but that is a big, fat bird. 366 00:16:50,360 --> 00:16:51,640 Oh, Daddy! 367 00:16:51,720 --> 00:16:52,720 [dad] No. 368 00:16:52,800 --> 00:16:55,480 [audience laughs] 369 00:16:55,560 --> 00:16:57,360 -[audience cheers] -"Oh, Daddy." 370 00:16:58,520 --> 00:17:00,840 Yeah. See what I meant about the speech impediment? 371 00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:01,800 [laughter] 372 00:17:01,880 --> 00:17:04,800 Yeah, but it's sweet that you were standing up for your mother, 373 00:17:04,880 --> 00:17:06,160 saying, "Oh, Daddy." 374 00:17:06,720 --> 00:17:07,560 You know. 375 00:17:08,040 --> 00:17:10,880 Unfortunately, that is not an isolated incident. 376 00:17:12,160 --> 00:17:14,200 [dad] There's a little bit of breast there 377 00:17:14,280 --> 00:17:16,760 and then there's some more breast here. 378 00:17:16,840 --> 00:17:18,680 [audience laughs] 379 00:17:18,760 --> 00:17:19,840 [dad] If you like. 380 00:17:19,920 --> 00:17:21,560 [mum] Jack, mind your drink. 381 00:17:22,120 --> 00:17:23,400 We get the joke. 382 00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:24,600 [audience laughs] 383 00:17:24,680 --> 00:17:27,000 Do you have a problem with that word then? 384 00:17:27,080 --> 00:17:29,520 Yeah. it's not the word, 385 00:17:29,600 --> 00:17:32,360 it's the content of the humor. 386 00:17:32,440 --> 00:17:36,280 The word is less of a problem. I mean, it's not a great word. 387 00:17:36,760 --> 00:17:40,080 Well, supposing I used a different word to "breast". Say... 388 00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:42,760 you know, "knockers," something like that? 389 00:17:42,840 --> 00:17:44,000 [laughter] 390 00:17:44,120 --> 00:17:47,680 What if I said, "Your mother has fantastic knockers"? 391 00:17:47,760 --> 00:17:50,120 -That would have been all right, would it? -No. 392 00:17:50,200 --> 00:17:51,960 We were talking about the turkey. 393 00:17:52,040 --> 00:17:53,640 -[Jack] Exactly. -And the turkey breast. 394 00:17:53,720 --> 00:17:55,680 Which is why "knockers" wouldn't work. 395 00:17:55,760 --> 00:17:58,080 -No, well, probably-- -"Would you like leg or knocker?" 396 00:17:58,160 --> 00:17:59,560 -That doesn't quite... -No. 397 00:17:59,960 --> 00:18:03,760 No, probably that wasn't a very clever thing to have suggested. 398 00:18:03,840 --> 00:18:06,560 The thing is, as well, he has been doing this joke 399 00:18:06,880 --> 00:18:10,080 literally from the moment I was born. 400 00:18:11,280 --> 00:18:15,120 This is a clip where I am still in the hospital. 401 00:18:16,640 --> 00:18:20,280 [dad] In earlier footage, we saw Jack's mother's breasts. 402 00:18:20,360 --> 00:18:21,440 [audience laughs] 403 00:18:21,520 --> 00:18:26,120 Jack proving, like his father, he's a bit of a tit man. 404 00:18:26,200 --> 00:18:28,320 [laughter, applause] 405 00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:31,600 Why has your mother got all this footage, incidentally? 406 00:18:31,680 --> 00:18:34,440 Presumably for Divorce Court when she... 407 00:18:34,520 --> 00:18:35,680 [audience laughs] 408 00:18:36,040 --> 00:18:38,400 I'm amazed she's hung on to all this stuff. 409 00:18:38,560 --> 00:18:40,680 Hm. Well, look. This brings me onto the point, 410 00:18:40,760 --> 00:18:45,080 which is, 2019, we need to make you more woke. 411 00:18:45,760 --> 00:18:46,800 Awake, you mean? 412 00:18:46,880 --> 00:18:48,880 [Jack] No, not awake. Well, yes aw-- 413 00:18:50,040 --> 00:18:52,200 It's just going to be small changes to your Christmas, 414 00:18:52,280 --> 00:18:55,760 but they're going to go a long way to making you a little bit more woke. 415 00:18:55,840 --> 00:18:58,320 So for example, this year, um... 416 00:18:59,080 --> 00:19:02,800 will you be providing an option for vegans? 417 00:19:04,280 --> 00:19:06,240 [audience giggles, whoops] 418 00:19:06,320 --> 00:19:08,040 -An option for vegans? -Yes. 419 00:19:08,120 --> 00:19:09,400 At the Christmas dinner. 420 00:19:09,480 --> 00:19:10,920 What are vegans? Are they... 421 00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:12,360 -[audience laughs] -Like a-- 422 00:19:12,440 --> 00:19:15,120 Like a vegetarian, but more, like, hardcore. 423 00:19:15,200 --> 00:19:19,720 What, you mean these vegetarian people will be in my house for Christmas? 424 00:19:20,400 --> 00:19:22,440 -[Jack] If-- -Does that sound likely? 425 00:19:22,520 --> 00:19:26,480 If I had a house full of vegetarians, I'd tell them to go and fuck off. 426 00:19:26,560 --> 00:19:31,240 [cheering, applause] 427 00:19:32,720 --> 00:19:35,480 That is not a vegetarian option. 428 00:19:35,560 --> 00:19:37,200 -Right. -[audience laughs] 429 00:19:37,280 --> 00:19:39,560 I meant like a nut roast. 430 00:19:39,640 --> 00:19:40,480 Actually, no. 431 00:19:40,560 --> 00:19:44,160 I mean, the idea of the dad jokes that would come with a nut roast. 432 00:19:44,240 --> 00:19:45,920 [audience laughs] 433 00:19:46,040 --> 00:19:49,440 "Ah, Hilary loves a mouthful of nuts at Christmas." 434 00:19:49,920 --> 00:19:51,840 No. This is another one. 435 00:19:51,920 --> 00:19:54,480 This is for when you're writing your Christmas cards this year. 436 00:19:54,560 --> 00:19:59,960 Is that, in 2019, some people are non-binary. 437 00:20:01,000 --> 00:20:03,600 Yep. We are entering the minefield. 438 00:20:03,680 --> 00:20:05,240 -Uh... -[laughter] 439 00:20:05,680 --> 00:20:06,960 -Non-binary? -[Jack] Yes. 440 00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:08,640 Have you heard of gender-fluid? 441 00:20:10,600 --> 00:20:12,160 -Gender-fluid? -[Jack] Yes. 442 00:20:13,040 --> 00:20:17,120 [audience giggles] 443 00:20:17,240 --> 00:20:19,920 [laughter rises] 444 00:20:21,160 --> 00:20:23,840 Was that the stuff that you left on your sheets? 445 00:20:23,920 --> 00:20:27,280 [audience screams with laughter] 446 00:20:27,920 --> 00:20:29,920 -[applause] -No. 447 00:20:30,520 --> 00:20:32,000 [dad] When you were a teenager. 448 00:20:32,080 --> 00:20:35,680 -No. -And they always needed washing. 449 00:20:36,440 --> 00:20:40,160 I always thought, innocently, that it was toothpaste. 450 00:20:40,240 --> 00:20:41,160 [audience laughs] 451 00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:43,040 -[dad] It wasn't toothpaste. -No, that is not-- 452 00:20:43,120 --> 00:20:44,720 -[dad] That isn't gender-fluid? -No! 453 00:20:45,280 --> 00:20:47,440 -So what is gender-fluid then? -Okay. 454 00:20:47,520 --> 00:20:48,880 -Oh, God. Okay. -[dad] Tell me. 455 00:20:48,960 --> 00:20:50,320 So, in 2019, 456 00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:54,480 people don't like to necessarily just identify as male or female. 457 00:20:54,560 --> 00:20:57,840 Some people prefer to be gender-neutral 458 00:20:57,920 --> 00:21:01,480 and they will need to have a gender-neutral pronoun used 459 00:21:01,560 --> 00:21:04,600 when you're addressing them or when you're writing a card to them. 460 00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:07,440 So we don't have Mr. or Mrs. anymore. 461 00:21:07,520 --> 00:21:11,440 We now have the gender-neutral pronoun, which is Mx. Okay? 462 00:21:11,920 --> 00:21:16,480 And in a beautifully ironic twist of fate, 463 00:21:17,040 --> 00:21:18,600 for as long as I can remember, 464 00:21:18,680 --> 00:21:21,200 you've been signing off all of your cards... 465 00:21:21,720 --> 00:21:24,080 [audience laughs, cheers] 466 00:21:24,160 --> 00:21:26,520 with an M and a kiss. [giggles] 467 00:21:26,600 --> 00:21:28,600 [audience cheers loudly] 468 00:21:28,720 --> 00:21:30,360 You don't realize it... 469 00:21:31,040 --> 00:21:32,200 but actually... 470 00:21:32,920 --> 00:21:34,280 he's a pioneer! 471 00:21:35,240 --> 00:21:39,680 You've been identifying as gender-neutral for as long as I can remember, 472 00:21:39,760 --> 00:21:41,680 and I am so proud of you, Daddy. 473 00:21:41,760 --> 00:21:44,720 I am so proud of you, Daddy/Mummy, that you... 474 00:21:44,800 --> 00:21:46,800 [audience roars with laughter] 475 00:21:47,440 --> 00:21:49,560 are non-binary and proud. 476 00:21:49,640 --> 00:21:52,520 So look, this Christmas, the one thing that I want 477 00:21:52,600 --> 00:21:55,600 is to bring Daddy, finally, into the 21st century. 478 00:21:55,680 --> 00:21:58,440 So I traveled to Philadelphia 479 00:21:58,520 --> 00:22:02,120 to meet up with Netflix's makeover masters. 480 00:22:02,520 --> 00:22:07,760 Ladies and gentlemen, this is Queer Eye for the straightest ever guy. 481 00:22:07,840 --> 00:22:09,040 [audience laughs] 482 00:22:14,880 --> 00:22:17,960 So this week's heroes are Jack and his father, Michael, from London. 483 00:22:18,240 --> 00:22:21,040 The relationship has deteriorated over the past couple of years 484 00:22:21,120 --> 00:22:23,720 as traveling around the globe together has taken its toll. 485 00:22:23,800 --> 00:22:25,560 So Jack is praying for a Christmas miracle 486 00:22:25,640 --> 00:22:28,280 that him and his daddy can finally learn to get along. 487 00:22:28,360 --> 00:22:30,240 -I hope he and his daddy do. -Isn't that sweet? 488 00:22:30,320 --> 00:22:31,640 -Yeah. -We can do-- 489 00:22:31,720 --> 00:22:33,520 -[door bell rings] -[all] Come in! 490 00:22:34,000 --> 00:22:35,800 [all] Hi! 491 00:22:36,080 --> 00:22:37,680 -Oh! -Nice to meet you. Hugs. 492 00:22:37,760 --> 00:22:38,920 -Hey, guys. -Good to see you. 493 00:22:39,000 --> 00:22:39,880 Not wearing underwear. 494 00:22:39,960 --> 00:22:43,000 -That's a bold choice. -Who is this strapping boy? 495 00:22:43,080 --> 00:22:45,560 -Good for you. -Well! 496 00:22:45,640 --> 00:22:46,880 Oh, my God, this is so exciting. 497 00:22:46,960 --> 00:22:49,520 Front row seats to these creamy British thighs. 498 00:22:49,600 --> 00:22:51,920 -Am I the luckiest person ever? -[Jack laughs] 499 00:22:52,000 --> 00:22:56,200 Your legs are the same color as a gorgeous cup of 2% milk. I love that. 500 00:22:56,280 --> 00:22:58,560 -All I see is butt cheek. -[laughs] 501 00:22:58,640 --> 00:23:00,120 [J] Why did I wear the short shorts? 502 00:23:00,200 --> 00:23:03,400 And the weird thing is it doesn't get much paler up there. 503 00:23:03,480 --> 00:23:04,640 -It's just as... -[JVN] Creamy. 504 00:23:04,720 --> 00:23:06,160 I want to see how white it goes. 505 00:23:06,240 --> 00:23:07,840 Can you just stand up for me? Turn around. 506 00:23:07,920 --> 00:23:10,040 -Do a little stand and gentle twirl. -Oh, my gosh. 507 00:23:10,120 --> 00:23:12,000 -Nice little twirl. -[JVN] Not too much. 508 00:23:12,080 --> 00:23:13,760 Wow, that goes white all the way up. 509 00:23:13,840 --> 00:23:15,920 -That's his butt crack. -That is wonderful. 510 00:23:16,000 --> 00:23:18,400 -It's fine. -You've got socks on with your Croccies. 511 00:23:18,480 --> 00:23:21,000 [Jack] Yeah, but I can't be exposing bare feet to you. 512 00:23:21,080 --> 00:23:22,680 And I can see one of your testicles. 513 00:23:22,760 --> 00:23:25,560 Before we start critiquing you or shaming you, 514 00:23:25,640 --> 00:23:26,640 we just want to say, 515 00:23:26,720 --> 00:23:28,840 I think it takes a tremendous amount of courage 516 00:23:28,920 --> 00:23:31,920 for you to volunteer yourself and your dad for a make-better. 517 00:23:32,000 --> 00:23:34,280 I wanted to put Michael forward. I'm not part of the... 518 00:23:34,360 --> 00:23:36,640 I'm just here to talk to you guys about my dad. 519 00:23:36,720 --> 00:23:40,120 I think a lot of my attitude towards style and self-care 520 00:23:40,200 --> 00:23:41,600 has been influenced by my father. 521 00:23:41,960 --> 00:23:45,080 In fact, I would quite like to show you a little bit of evidence of this. 522 00:23:45,160 --> 00:23:46,840 -[AP] Okay. -[JVN] We're down to see it. 523 00:23:46,920 --> 00:23:47,880 May I borrow that? 524 00:23:47,960 --> 00:23:49,160 -Yes, absolutely. -Thank you. 525 00:23:49,240 --> 00:23:51,040 Jack, you're so far away from us. Come join us. 526 00:23:51,120 --> 00:23:53,640 Yes. Bring that hairy chest over here. Oh, my God. 527 00:23:53,720 --> 00:23:55,880 -And hairy legs. -It's a bit Simon Cowell, isn't it? 528 00:23:56,560 --> 00:23:58,360 [Jack] Okay. This is the first one. 529 00:23:58,680 --> 00:24:00,400 He's an extra from Chernobyl here. 530 00:24:00,480 --> 00:24:02,320 -He's one of the USSR scientists. -Yes! 531 00:24:02,400 --> 00:24:04,400 [J] Russian scientist was the look that he went for, 532 00:24:04,480 --> 00:24:06,960 but he did have a brief moment where he experimented. 533 00:24:07,040 --> 00:24:08,600 -I never knew about this... -With? 534 00:24:08,680 --> 00:24:10,360 -...until I found these pictures. -With men. 535 00:24:10,440 --> 00:24:12,640 -Good for him. With drag queens. -[laughing] No, with-- 536 00:24:12,800 --> 00:24:14,560 -With lots of men. Like tons of men. -Maybe. 537 00:24:14,640 --> 00:24:15,920 [J] Look at him! That's him-- 538 00:24:16,000 --> 00:24:18,400 I never see old-timey pictures where I'm attracted to people, 539 00:24:18,480 --> 00:24:20,200 but here we are. 540 00:24:20,720 --> 00:24:21,560 He is very handsome. 541 00:24:22,640 --> 00:24:24,560 Your dad can get it in the '50s. 542 00:24:24,640 --> 00:24:27,200 You have the hots for Michael Whitehall circa 1950. 543 00:24:27,280 --> 00:24:29,880 -Ah! I sure do. -He was an attractive man. 544 00:24:29,960 --> 00:24:32,160 Yes, Michael Whitehall. Lay it on me. 545 00:24:32,240 --> 00:24:33,600 [laughing] Why do you... 546 00:24:33,720 --> 00:24:35,280 Give me that pipe. 547 00:24:35,360 --> 00:24:37,240 Think about it. Just visualize it for a second. 548 00:24:37,320 --> 00:24:39,400 Lay that pipe. 549 00:24:39,480 --> 00:24:41,920 [Jack] Then there was this period, I think in the '70s, 550 00:24:42,000 --> 00:24:43,640 where he was Austin Powers. 551 00:24:43,720 --> 00:24:45,680 [AP] That's his young Mike Myers days. 552 00:24:45,760 --> 00:24:47,760 Look at this guy. Who is this guy? 553 00:24:47,840 --> 00:24:50,440 Oh, my God. It's a little bit fab five of the '60s. 554 00:24:50,520 --> 00:24:51,440 Yes! 555 00:24:51,520 --> 00:24:53,280 [J] This was a show called Straight Eye 556 00:24:53,360 --> 00:24:56,440 -that they did in the 1970s. -[all laugh] 557 00:24:56,520 --> 00:24:58,200 [J] These were the fab five. 558 00:24:58,600 --> 00:25:00,840 I love that your dad was like, fully gay in the '70s. 559 00:25:00,920 --> 00:25:02,280 Good for him. 560 00:25:02,720 --> 00:25:05,200 But I think this is the guy that I want to find again. 561 00:25:05,280 --> 00:25:07,160 I want to bring us closer together. 562 00:25:07,560 --> 00:25:09,560 In style and in attitudes. 563 00:25:09,640 --> 00:25:12,520 Will you be up for trying to help me... 564 00:25:12,600 --> 00:25:14,760 -Easy, yes. -...drag my father kicking and screaming 565 00:25:14,840 --> 00:25:16,680 -into the 21st century? -I am 100% down. 566 00:25:17,600 --> 00:25:20,000 Haven't had Nando's in a while, so I think it's about time. 567 00:25:20,080 --> 00:25:21,440 -Let's do it! -Yes! Woo! 568 00:25:21,520 --> 00:25:24,440 [bright electro pop music playing] 569 00:25:38,240 --> 00:25:39,080 [music ends] 570 00:25:40,920 --> 00:25:42,440 What? We've got no Christmas crackers? 571 00:25:42,520 --> 00:25:44,360 -Not yet. -[dad] Oh, hello. 572 00:25:44,440 --> 00:25:47,120 -Mother, Father. -Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Whitehall. 573 00:25:47,200 --> 00:25:49,120 -So nice to meet you. -Lovely to meet you. 574 00:25:49,200 --> 00:25:51,400 I mean, I've no idea what this show is all about, 575 00:25:51,480 --> 00:25:55,440 but what I can tell you is that I've always been a big supporter 576 00:25:55,520 --> 00:25:59,520 of things like the LNER community and I... 577 00:25:59,600 --> 00:26:02,040 [AP] Do you mean LGBTQ, Michael? 578 00:26:02,960 --> 00:26:04,200 Oh, I don't know. Whatever. 579 00:26:04,520 --> 00:26:07,640 So we're going to be having a little root around the kitchen. 580 00:26:07,720 --> 00:26:11,400 You are aware this is the kitchen? I know you don't spend much time in here. 581 00:26:11,480 --> 00:26:13,600 -So you don't cook? -Christmas isn't great. 582 00:26:13,680 --> 00:26:16,520 We have to do a lot of work. It's a whole production line in here. 583 00:26:16,760 --> 00:26:19,040 And then he will sit through there, at the dining table, 584 00:26:19,120 --> 00:26:22,080 and then, at some point, genuinely, ring a bell. 585 00:26:22,560 --> 00:26:24,200 -And then when-- -I do not ring a bell. 586 00:26:24,280 --> 00:26:25,560 -You do! You have a bell! 587 00:26:25,640 --> 00:26:27,720 -[dad] A vicious lie! -He rings a bell! 588 00:26:27,800 --> 00:26:29,920 -A vicious lie. -And we have to bring through the food. 589 00:26:30,000 --> 00:26:33,960 [AP] So maybe we'll work on improving your contribution on a culinary front. 590 00:26:34,040 --> 00:26:37,240 It's important for the whole family to partake and to make something together. 591 00:26:37,320 --> 00:26:40,520 It's a nice way to connect and show each other you appreciate each other. 592 00:26:40,600 --> 00:26:45,040 [bright electro music interlude] 593 00:26:45,560 --> 00:26:48,560 Name me one thing that's more iconic than a Christmas turkey. 594 00:26:48,640 --> 00:26:50,120 -[Jack] Nothing. -Exactly. 595 00:26:50,200 --> 00:26:51,880 Okay, Mum, we're going to give you a break. 596 00:26:51,960 --> 00:26:54,440 -I want father and son to connect. -I will embrace that. 597 00:26:54,520 --> 00:26:56,640 When you want the turkey brought through, ring the bell. 598 00:26:56,720 --> 00:26:58,120 [mum] I will ring the bell. 599 00:26:58,280 --> 00:27:01,640 This is a really lovely opportunity for you two to actually connect 600 00:27:01,720 --> 00:27:03,400 -while making something together. -Yes. 601 00:27:03,480 --> 00:27:04,600 [AP] We'll make the stuffing. 602 00:27:04,680 --> 00:27:07,040 We're gonna combine everything in and then stuff the turkey. 603 00:27:07,120 --> 00:27:09,040 -Okay. -Oh, the jacket's coming off. 604 00:27:09,120 --> 00:27:10,680 -[AP] Okay. -That means business. 605 00:27:10,920 --> 00:27:13,120 [J] You get in there and just give that a good old mush. 606 00:27:13,200 --> 00:27:15,040 I don't want to mess this shirt up. 607 00:27:15,720 --> 00:27:16,880 [Antoni P] Beautiful. 608 00:27:17,000 --> 00:27:19,360 Look, you guys are cooking, so now you can actually say... 609 00:27:19,440 --> 00:27:21,600 Next time you're asked when you last cooked together, 610 00:27:21,680 --> 00:27:23,320 -you can say that it was today. -[J] Yeah. 611 00:27:23,400 --> 00:27:26,560 If we did this on Christmas, Mummy could have a little bit of time off. 612 00:27:26,960 --> 00:27:27,880 [AP] Beautiful. 613 00:27:28,120 --> 00:27:29,360 So it's good to go. 614 00:27:29,440 --> 00:27:31,840 -[J] Just spread those legs. -[dad] It's very moist, this... 615 00:27:32,760 --> 00:27:35,680 Those were two consecutive sentences I've never heard before. 616 00:27:35,760 --> 00:27:37,960 [J] Don't go too deep. You might lose your watch. 617 00:27:38,040 --> 00:27:39,640 -[AP] Here you go. -[dad] Aha. 618 00:27:39,720 --> 00:27:41,480 So just really get it all the way in there. 619 00:27:41,560 --> 00:27:44,360 You don't want any air pockets inside. You really want to stuff it. 620 00:27:44,440 --> 00:27:46,840 -Shall I use my fist to get it in? -[laughs] 621 00:27:47,160 --> 00:27:48,160 That's better. 622 00:27:48,640 --> 00:27:51,240 Right. I think that sort of does that, doesn't it? 623 00:27:51,320 --> 00:27:53,040 That's not something that I can unsee. 624 00:27:53,120 --> 00:27:54,160 [giggling] 625 00:27:54,440 --> 00:27:56,040 -Or undo. -Are you happy with that? 626 00:27:56,120 --> 00:27:58,280 So now that would be-- That would be ready to go? 627 00:27:58,360 --> 00:28:00,040 [AP] We'll just throw the bird in the oven. 628 00:28:00,120 --> 00:28:01,800 Have you switched the oven on? 629 00:28:02,280 --> 00:28:04,480 Did you notice the way I was looking over at the fridge? 630 00:28:04,560 --> 00:28:05,400 [AP laughs wildly] 631 00:28:05,480 --> 00:28:08,960 How often I've been... I've been in this kitchen. 632 00:28:09,040 --> 00:28:11,200 -[laughs] -[Jack laughs hysterically] 633 00:28:11,280 --> 00:28:14,360 -Oh, yeah, it's there. That's right. -I'll make sure the oven's on then. 634 00:28:14,440 --> 00:28:16,440 [AP] Jack, if you could please get the door for me. 635 00:28:16,680 --> 00:28:19,520 And in she goes. 636 00:28:20,440 --> 00:28:21,480 Awesome. 637 00:28:21,560 --> 00:28:24,920 [electro pop music interlude] 638 00:28:25,920 --> 00:28:29,200 Okay, so for part two of our Christmas cookery lesson, 639 00:28:29,280 --> 00:28:31,560 -there's always a lot of leftover turkey. -[dad] Mm. 640 00:28:31,640 --> 00:28:34,160 On Boxing Day, it's always nice to sort of take something 641 00:28:34,240 --> 00:28:35,640 and turn it into something else. 642 00:28:35,720 --> 00:28:38,360 So I know that you and your dear mum love a good curry. 643 00:28:38,440 --> 00:28:39,440 -Love a curry. -Right? 644 00:28:39,800 --> 00:28:42,520 [dad] So this is coming into cubes. Is that right? 645 00:28:42,600 --> 00:28:43,680 Nice little cubes, yeah. 646 00:28:43,960 --> 00:28:45,720 [dad] See, I can do this sort of stuff. 647 00:28:45,800 --> 00:28:47,280 -[AP] Really nice job. -That's good. 648 00:28:47,360 --> 00:28:48,520 -You like that? -Yeah. 649 00:28:49,000 --> 00:28:50,520 Then we mix that round. 650 00:28:50,600 --> 00:28:52,160 -Yeah. -Beautiful. So that's ready. 651 00:28:52,240 --> 00:28:54,760 -Should your mum come in for this? -[dad] I'll call her. 652 00:28:54,840 --> 00:28:56,080 [commandingly] Hilary! 653 00:28:56,360 --> 00:28:57,400 [encouragingly] Hilary! 654 00:28:57,480 --> 00:28:59,320 -Don't call her like a dog. -Come on. 655 00:28:59,400 --> 00:29:01,480 -I'm not. -That's not how you call someone. 656 00:29:02,240 --> 00:29:03,320 -Hi. -Hello. 657 00:29:03,400 --> 00:29:05,000 [J] How spicy do you want it, Mother? 658 00:29:05,080 --> 00:29:06,800 I think sort of medium would be good. 659 00:29:07,000 --> 00:29:08,040 [dad] Well, like that? 660 00:29:08,120 --> 00:29:11,000 [mum] Yep. Don't, whatever you do, touch your eye after this, Michael. 661 00:29:11,080 --> 00:29:14,440 Don't touch your eye or your arse, I would say, probably either. 662 00:29:14,520 --> 00:29:15,360 [laughs] 663 00:29:15,800 --> 00:29:19,040 This curry... I've always put the chillies in. 664 00:29:19,680 --> 00:29:22,760 You can. This is a little more aggressive, if you put them in this way. 665 00:29:22,840 --> 00:29:25,400 If you stew them in it, they're going to soften a little bit. 666 00:29:25,480 --> 00:29:28,080 [mum] Okay. And this also, presumably, is a sort of spice-your-own. 667 00:29:28,160 --> 00:29:30,440 -[AP] Yeah. Everyone has different tastes. -[mum] Yeah. 668 00:29:30,520 --> 00:29:31,400 Is this one for me? 669 00:29:31,480 --> 00:29:33,040 -That one's for you. -Lovely. 670 00:29:33,120 --> 00:29:34,960 Hang on, I think that one might be for you. 671 00:29:35,040 --> 00:29:36,000 No, that's Daddy's. 672 00:29:36,080 --> 00:29:37,360 Oh, that's Daddy's. Okay. 673 00:29:37,440 --> 00:29:39,320 That's... without the spice. 674 00:29:40,680 --> 00:29:41,520 [Antoni P] Okay. 675 00:29:42,000 --> 00:29:44,680 -Add a little depth to the sauce. -[AP] A nice little umami. 676 00:29:44,760 --> 00:29:46,160 It hasn't got enough salt in it. 677 00:29:46,240 --> 00:29:48,920 -That is absolutely revolting. -[Jack giggles] 678 00:29:49,000 --> 00:29:49,840 Ugh! 679 00:29:49,920 --> 00:29:51,240 -God! -[Jack] What? 680 00:29:51,320 --> 00:29:52,200 It's horrible! 681 00:29:52,280 --> 00:29:54,440 Daddy, I put in one chili flake. 682 00:29:54,520 --> 00:29:55,680 Where are you going? 683 00:29:55,760 --> 00:29:58,360 -[mum] He's not good with... -[J] Why lock yourself in the loo? 684 00:29:58,440 --> 00:30:01,760 [dad] That was absolutely, it was the most disgusting... 685 00:30:01,840 --> 00:30:03,960 oh, my whole throat's going now. 686 00:30:04,040 --> 00:30:05,320 -[laughs] -[mum] Okay. 687 00:30:05,400 --> 00:30:07,200 -You should get him a glass of milk. -Jack. 688 00:30:07,280 --> 00:30:08,880 [dad] I had to spit it out. 689 00:30:08,960 --> 00:30:10,640 That's not the bit you need to worry about. 690 00:30:10,720 --> 00:30:13,680 It's when it comes out the other end that it's really going to hit you. 691 00:30:13,760 --> 00:30:15,800 I think Mummy's in for a long night. [laughs] 692 00:30:15,880 --> 00:30:18,840 [electro pop music interlude] 693 00:30:19,200 --> 00:30:22,960 [audience cheers, applauds] 694 00:30:24,000 --> 00:30:27,840 We will have more from Queer Eye's toughest ever challenge later in the show, 695 00:30:27,920 --> 00:30:30,640 but we have quite a lot to talk about, don't we? 696 00:30:31,760 --> 00:30:32,800 What is this? 697 00:30:33,560 --> 00:30:34,720 [audience laughs] 698 00:30:34,800 --> 00:30:37,760 [dad] It was a photograph I did for charity. 699 00:30:38,240 --> 00:30:40,000 And these ladies were... 700 00:30:40,480 --> 00:30:42,600 they weren't models. They were just-- 701 00:30:42,920 --> 00:30:44,000 Kidnapped and... 702 00:30:44,080 --> 00:30:45,600 -[audience laughs] -No. They-- 703 00:30:45,680 --> 00:30:49,680 [dad] The one on the left was a sort of friend of mine. 704 00:30:49,840 --> 00:30:52,040 I don't know what happened to her. I haven't heard from-- 705 00:30:52,120 --> 00:30:55,200 Well, obviously, I don't know what's happened to any of them. 706 00:30:55,280 --> 00:30:57,840 -One day they'll find the body. -[dad] This was quite... 707 00:30:57,920 --> 00:30:59,160 [audience laughs loudly] 708 00:30:59,520 --> 00:31:01,040 Anyway, look, I love this picture. 709 00:31:01,120 --> 00:31:03,360 This is one of the greatest pictures I've ever seen of you, 710 00:31:03,440 --> 00:31:06,800 so I thought it was only appropriate, since we were doing this show, 711 00:31:06,880 --> 00:31:08,080 to try and recreate it. 712 00:31:08,480 --> 00:31:10,400 And so I did. 713 00:31:10,480 --> 00:31:12,840 And I was able to track down those exact ladies. 714 00:31:12,920 --> 00:31:16,000 [audience whoops, laughs] 715 00:31:17,200 --> 00:31:19,720 I'd like to dedicate this picture to the memory of poor Gladys, 716 00:31:19,800 --> 00:31:22,560 who unfortunately was just too overcome by the occasion. 717 00:31:22,640 --> 00:31:23,520 [audience laughs] 718 00:31:24,280 --> 00:31:27,920 Now, dressing up is a bit of a theme for us at Christmas. 719 00:31:28,000 --> 00:31:33,760 And it's only now that I realize quite why I was so obsessed with dressing up, 720 00:31:33,960 --> 00:31:36,200 because, for the first five years of my life, 721 00:31:36,280 --> 00:31:38,720 every Christmas, I was forced to dress like you. 722 00:31:39,560 --> 00:31:41,560 [audience laughs, aahs] 723 00:31:42,120 --> 00:31:45,960 I felt, maybe, uncomfortable in these conservative clothes, 724 00:31:46,040 --> 00:31:49,040 being made to dress like a snooker referee, and... 725 00:31:49,640 --> 00:31:51,360 clearly needed to express myself. 726 00:31:51,440 --> 00:31:55,560 And I think that's why, when I was finally able to express myself with what I wore, 727 00:31:55,640 --> 00:31:57,120 I really went big. 728 00:31:57,880 --> 00:32:00,760 Every Christmas outfit from that year on... 729 00:32:00,840 --> 00:32:03,920 oh, my God. Literally every Christmas, there was a new outfit. 730 00:32:04,000 --> 00:32:05,640 We had dinosaur, uh... 731 00:32:05,720 --> 00:32:08,080 there was Captain Scarlet. 732 00:32:08,640 --> 00:32:10,760 Uh... country squire. 733 00:32:11,040 --> 00:32:12,360 -Um... -[audience laughs] 734 00:32:12,880 --> 00:32:15,600 [Jack laughs] Oh, look at poor Barnaby in that picture. 735 00:32:15,680 --> 00:32:17,200 -He wasn't happy. -He was not happy. 736 00:32:17,280 --> 00:32:19,680 [falsetto] "Why is this Gestapo agent pushing my pram?" 737 00:32:19,760 --> 00:32:21,760 [audience laughs loudly] 738 00:32:22,520 --> 00:32:24,800 Weirdly, it got even camper. [laughs] 739 00:32:24,880 --> 00:32:28,560 [giggling] The next year, I had The Little Drummer Boy phase. 740 00:32:28,640 --> 00:32:30,920 This is definitely one of my campest looks. 741 00:32:31,000 --> 00:32:31,840 [dad] Oh, yes. 742 00:32:31,920 --> 00:32:33,000 [Jack] Look at that. 743 00:32:33,840 --> 00:32:35,160 I mean, it's a strong-- 744 00:32:35,240 --> 00:32:39,720 But they've really gone to town with redacting that guy's identity. 745 00:32:39,800 --> 00:32:40,720 [laughter] 746 00:32:40,800 --> 00:32:45,360 We couldn't get this kid's permission to use the photo in this show. 747 00:32:45,440 --> 00:32:48,560 I thought they were going to do, like, a little bar across his eyes. 748 00:32:49,040 --> 00:32:51,080 I mean, that's really sinister. 749 00:32:51,160 --> 00:32:53,760 He was the boy whose willy you grabbed in the bath. 750 00:32:53,920 --> 00:32:55,920 [audience roars with laughter] 751 00:32:56,000 --> 00:32:59,360 [applause] 752 00:32:59,600 --> 00:33:01,800 He came to stay for the weekend. 753 00:33:01,880 --> 00:33:03,400 You had a bath with him 754 00:33:03,480 --> 00:33:06,240 -and you grabbed his private parts. -You're making... I didn't. No! 755 00:33:06,760 --> 00:33:08,880 That's why he's been redacted. 756 00:33:08,960 --> 00:33:10,600 -I didn't grab his penis. -You did. 757 00:33:10,680 --> 00:33:12,120 -I didn't. -Well, what did you do? 758 00:33:12,200 --> 00:33:14,240 I was in the bath and I saw a little dangling thing 759 00:33:14,320 --> 00:33:15,160 but I was... 760 00:33:15,640 --> 00:33:17,680 I was curious. I just gave it a little slap. 761 00:33:17,760 --> 00:33:19,560 -It wasn't like a... -[audience laughs] 762 00:33:19,640 --> 00:33:20,760 I was a kid! 763 00:33:20,840 --> 00:33:23,600 [applause] 764 00:33:23,680 --> 00:33:26,200 Look, my Christmas tradition was dressing up. 765 00:33:26,280 --> 00:33:27,680 Your Christmas tradition... 766 00:33:28,520 --> 00:33:32,760 100%, the main one for you is the Queen's speech. 767 00:33:33,560 --> 00:33:35,600 -Yes. -[J] Every year, on Christmas Day, 768 00:33:35,680 --> 00:33:38,360 the Queen delivers her television speech to the nation 769 00:33:38,440 --> 00:33:40,480 and my father wets his knickers 770 00:33:40,560 --> 00:33:43,080 like a teenage girl at a Shawn Mendes concert. 771 00:33:44,120 --> 00:33:46,040 He is so excited. 772 00:33:46,520 --> 00:33:48,560 Why are you so obsessed with the Queen's speech? 773 00:33:48,960 --> 00:33:50,440 Who's Shawn Mendes? 774 00:33:50,520 --> 00:33:52,080 [Jack and audience laugh] 775 00:33:53,520 --> 00:33:57,040 He wasn't one of the boys in the bath, was he? Shawn Mendes? 776 00:33:57,120 --> 00:33:58,040 [laughter] 777 00:33:59,880 --> 00:34:01,880 Why are you so obsessed with the Queen's speech? 778 00:34:02,920 --> 00:34:05,480 The Queen is somebody that I admire. 779 00:34:05,560 --> 00:34:07,440 -I'm sure you do too. -[Jack] Yeah. 780 00:34:07,520 --> 00:34:10,120 And when she made her speech every... Or she still does. 781 00:34:10,200 --> 00:34:11,480 I just stood. 782 00:34:11,560 --> 00:34:12,880 [J] That's the bit that's weird. 783 00:34:12,960 --> 00:34:15,200 I used to get you to stand up too. 784 00:34:15,280 --> 00:34:17,280 -And that's the bit that's weird. -[dad] Why? 785 00:34:17,360 --> 00:34:19,440 Watching the Queen's speech, I get that, 786 00:34:19,520 --> 00:34:21,520 but making us stand for the Queen's speech... 787 00:34:21,760 --> 00:34:24,680 for the national anthem, maybe. You stand for the national anthem. 788 00:34:24,760 --> 00:34:25,640 [laughter] 789 00:34:25,720 --> 00:34:27,960 He made us stand for the whole speech. 790 00:34:28,040 --> 00:34:30,040 For the whole speech, every year. 791 00:34:30,520 --> 00:34:32,800 Look how uncomfortable I look in that picture. 792 00:34:33,280 --> 00:34:35,640 I've also clearly been forced into that suit. 793 00:34:35,920 --> 00:34:38,640 Have you ever seen a man more uncomfortable in a suit? 794 00:34:38,920 --> 00:34:41,800 I look like a footballer up in court on drink-driving charges. 795 00:34:41,880 --> 00:34:43,160 [audience laughs] 796 00:34:44,160 --> 00:34:45,840 Now Christmas wouldn't be Christmas 797 00:34:45,920 --> 00:34:48,440 without a posh person telling you what their year was like, 798 00:34:48,520 --> 00:34:51,360 so we have given father the chance to have a pop 799 00:34:51,440 --> 00:34:54,080 at giving his own king's speech. 800 00:34:55,080 --> 00:34:57,720 Quick disclaimer before we start this. 801 00:34:57,800 --> 00:35:01,040 On behalf of Netflix and in fact, the entire Whitehall family, 802 00:35:01,120 --> 00:35:05,240 I would like to say that we are in no way responsible for what you're about to see. 803 00:35:05,560 --> 00:35:06,800 [audience laughs] 804 00:35:07,080 --> 00:35:08,160 Ladies and gentlemen, 805 00:35:08,240 --> 00:35:11,560 please feel no need to stand for the king's speech. 806 00:35:12,680 --> 00:35:18,440 [whoops, applause] 807 00:35:20,160 --> 00:35:21,680 2019. 808 00:35:22,400 --> 00:35:25,280 What a load of bollocks. 809 00:35:25,880 --> 00:35:29,560 We went from a woman who looked like she couldn't run a bath 810 00:35:29,640 --> 00:35:32,560 to a man who looked like he could really do with one. 811 00:35:33,040 --> 00:35:36,000 The Queen must have been so sick of Boris. 812 00:35:36,480 --> 00:35:40,360 I'm surprised she didn't ask Prince Philip to take him for a drive. 813 00:35:41,720 --> 00:35:46,440 2019 saw a number of important anniversaries. 814 00:35:46,520 --> 00:35:50,280 It's been 30 years since the Berlin Wall came down. 815 00:35:51,080 --> 00:35:52,680 And I must say, I miss it. 816 00:35:53,720 --> 00:35:56,840 I much preferred Germans staying where they're put. 817 00:35:57,480 --> 00:36:01,040 It's also been 50 years since we landed on the moon. 818 00:36:01,440 --> 00:36:03,760 And we still haven't done anything with it. 819 00:36:03,840 --> 00:36:05,920 It's the same as it's always been. 820 00:36:06,520 --> 00:36:11,040 A cold, desolate wasteland covered in rocks. 821 00:36:12,160 --> 00:36:13,840 Scotland in space. 822 00:36:14,400 --> 00:36:18,160 There was apparently a World Cup of lady football. 823 00:36:18,880 --> 00:36:22,480 I was very surprised that something like that would have existed. 824 00:36:23,000 --> 00:36:26,160 It's like something in science fiction. 825 00:36:26,760 --> 00:36:32,280 And, finally, Jack introduced me to something called Love Island. 826 00:36:33,440 --> 00:36:36,360 Who the fuck are all these ghastly people? 827 00:36:36,840 --> 00:36:40,200 Why would they have their name on their water bottle? 828 00:36:41,200 --> 00:36:45,120 Presumably because they're so thick they'd forget what their name was. 829 00:36:45,600 --> 00:36:47,600 But I suppose there is an upside. 830 00:36:47,680 --> 00:36:52,320 I mean, I actually quite like the idea of taking all the dross 831 00:36:52,400 --> 00:36:55,960 and putting them all on some remote island. 832 00:36:56,040 --> 00:36:58,640 I mean, it's a bit like what we did with Australia. 833 00:36:59,840 --> 00:37:01,640 And the last thing I want to say... 834 00:37:02,720 --> 00:37:04,800 is a little quote from Jesus. 835 00:37:05,560 --> 00:37:08,000 The meek shall inherit the Earth. 836 00:37:09,040 --> 00:37:11,880 Although, I'm delighted to say, not... 837 00:37:12,440 --> 00:37:14,680 while we have a Conservative government. 838 00:37:15,360 --> 00:37:16,640 Happy Christmas. 839 00:37:16,720 --> 00:37:22,200 [cheering, applause] 840 00:37:22,520 --> 00:37:24,040 The spirit of Christmas. 841 00:37:24,720 --> 00:37:26,680 Now, as a special treat, 842 00:37:26,760 --> 00:37:29,520 I have invited one of our country's finest actors 843 00:37:29,600 --> 00:37:32,040 to come and join us for this evening. 844 00:37:33,120 --> 00:37:35,120 Please, ladies and gentlemen, would you welcome, 845 00:37:35,200 --> 00:37:37,400 all the way from Downton Abbey... 846 00:37:38,360 --> 00:37:40,760 Mr. Hugh Bonneville! 847 00:37:40,840 --> 00:37:41,960 [big cheer] 848 00:37:42,040 --> 00:37:45,040 ♪ We all love Downton Abbey ♪ 849 00:37:45,120 --> 00:37:48,000 ♪ We all love Downton Abbey ♪ 850 00:37:48,080 --> 00:37:50,960 ♪ So we're all pretty happy ♪ 851 00:37:51,040 --> 00:37:54,040 ♪ It's Hugh Bonneville! ♪ 852 00:37:54,120 --> 00:37:58,040 [cheering, applause] 853 00:37:59,080 --> 00:38:01,320 [Jack] Hugh, thank you so much for joining us. 854 00:38:01,400 --> 00:38:04,120 -This is very-- This is very big. -[Jack] It is big. 855 00:38:04,200 --> 00:38:06,480 Very big indeed. Very exciting. Thank you for having me. 856 00:38:06,560 --> 00:38:09,760 Are you ready for the weirdest Christmas party 857 00:38:09,840 --> 00:38:11,480 you have ever attended? 858 00:38:11,560 --> 00:38:14,440 I've been watching the first 20 minutes. It's pretty fucking weird. 859 00:38:14,520 --> 00:38:16,520 -[Jack laughs] -[audience laugh] 860 00:38:17,200 --> 00:38:19,840 Well, we're so pleased that you are here 861 00:38:19,920 --> 00:38:23,360 and I want to hear about your Christmas in the Bonneville household. 862 00:38:23,440 --> 00:38:27,120 In the past, we've had, you know, the family over for a few days, 863 00:38:27,200 --> 00:38:29,800 but the tricky thing is always getting them to leave. 864 00:38:29,880 --> 00:38:31,560 You know, when do they leave? 865 00:38:31,640 --> 00:38:34,560 So I came up with a really cunning thing about three years ago. 866 00:38:34,640 --> 00:38:37,520 I pretended the whole thing was, we were on a cruise ship. 867 00:38:37,760 --> 00:38:39,480 That was my gag. 868 00:38:39,880 --> 00:38:42,120 And so we sent out, a week before Christmas, 869 00:38:42,200 --> 00:38:44,880 this sort of list, like you would get on a cruise ship, 870 00:38:44,960 --> 00:38:48,280 saying, "Day 1, embark, 6 p.m. 871 00:38:48,360 --> 00:38:51,920 The captain will pipe you aboard and there's drinks on the poop deck." 872 00:38:52,000 --> 00:38:55,160 Day 2, panto at wherever we were going. 873 00:38:55,240 --> 00:38:58,720 And then cold collation, you know, in the afternoon. 874 00:38:58,800 --> 00:39:02,480 The day after Boxing Day, 11 o'clock, disembarkation. 875 00:39:02,960 --> 00:39:04,840 "You've had your fun, now fuck off." 876 00:39:04,920 --> 00:39:06,680 [laughter] 877 00:39:06,760 --> 00:39:08,200 My kind of guy. 878 00:39:08,280 --> 00:39:10,600 -Top tip. -[applause] 879 00:39:11,160 --> 00:39:13,040 I don't like a lot of guests at Christmas. 880 00:39:13,120 --> 00:39:17,080 I like keeping it within our weird family and I don't want anyone else... 881 00:39:17,560 --> 00:39:19,200 like, witnessing our weirdness. 882 00:39:19,280 --> 00:39:22,560 The idea of having anyone else there, other than just us five, 883 00:39:22,640 --> 00:39:24,200 fills me with dread. 884 00:39:24,280 --> 00:39:26,760 Well, having now seen some of your home footage... 885 00:39:26,840 --> 00:39:27,920 [Jack giggles] 886 00:39:28,000 --> 00:39:28,880 I can... 887 00:39:29,760 --> 00:39:32,080 -I can understand. -[J] You can understand why. 888 00:39:32,160 --> 00:39:34,600 You can understand why we keep it in the family. 889 00:39:35,160 --> 00:39:36,320 Talking of... 890 00:39:36,960 --> 00:39:38,640 -family... -[bell jingles] 891 00:39:38,840 --> 00:39:40,000 [commandlingly] Hilary! 892 00:39:40,120 --> 00:39:41,440 -[audience groan] -Hilary! 893 00:39:41,840 --> 00:39:45,840 [whoops, cheers and applause] 894 00:39:45,920 --> 00:39:47,280 [Hugh, laughing] Oh, Jesus! 895 00:39:47,360 --> 00:39:49,960 [audience cheers] 896 00:39:50,040 --> 00:39:52,080 Hugh, a glass of champagne. 897 00:39:53,440 --> 00:39:54,280 Thank you. 898 00:39:55,720 --> 00:39:56,960 Thank you so much. 899 00:39:57,040 --> 00:39:58,520 [laughing] That's very kind. 900 00:39:58,760 --> 00:40:00,720 -[laughs] -[audience whoops] 901 00:40:00,800 --> 00:40:02,440 She is not staff. 902 00:40:02,520 --> 00:40:03,400 [laughs] 903 00:40:03,480 --> 00:40:05,960 -That is my mother. -This is actually Mrs. Whitehall here. 904 00:40:06,040 --> 00:40:07,040 [mum] Hello. 905 00:40:07,840 --> 00:40:09,680 -It's a tribute to you. -Hello, Lord Grantham. 906 00:40:09,760 --> 00:40:10,880 Hello, Hilary. 907 00:40:10,960 --> 00:40:12,760 You look great. Does she do this at home a lot? 908 00:40:12,840 --> 00:40:16,760 She does. I usually make her dress like that. Certainly at weekends. 909 00:40:17,120 --> 00:40:19,120 [audience roars with laughter] 910 00:40:19,600 --> 00:40:22,240 -Just neck that. I would neck that now. -Yeah. 911 00:40:22,320 --> 00:40:25,960 Could I just say that, if they're doing Downton Abbey the movie two... 912 00:40:26,120 --> 00:40:27,680 -[Jack giggles] -I am available. 913 00:40:28,600 --> 00:40:29,560 She's ready. 914 00:40:29,640 --> 00:40:30,840 [audience cheers] 915 00:40:30,920 --> 00:40:31,840 Thank you, Mother. 916 00:40:32,440 --> 00:40:33,960 Yes, Hilary. 917 00:40:34,080 --> 00:40:36,960 [audience cheers] 918 00:40:37,160 --> 00:40:38,760 Just settle down, Hilary. 919 00:40:38,840 --> 00:40:40,440 -I know you're excited. -I am. 920 00:40:41,000 --> 00:40:42,240 -She a client of yours? -She is. 921 00:40:42,320 --> 00:40:43,560 -Yeah. I... -[laughs] 922 00:40:43,720 --> 00:40:46,560 I just have one client now in my retirement. 923 00:40:47,240 --> 00:40:48,320 Look where it got me. 924 00:40:48,480 --> 00:40:50,480 [everyone laughs] 925 00:40:51,600 --> 00:40:54,360 Now, was the young Hugh Bonneville, 926 00:40:54,440 --> 00:40:56,800 at any point, into dressing up, like myself? 927 00:40:56,880 --> 00:40:59,760 I... happen to know that maybe there was a period. 928 00:40:59,840 --> 00:41:01,120 Oh, okay. Here it comes. 929 00:41:01,920 --> 00:41:03,560 -[Jack] Look at that! -[Hugh] Oh, love! 930 00:41:03,640 --> 00:41:05,840 -How cute is that? -I can tell you when this was. 931 00:41:05,920 --> 00:41:07,400 This must have been 1970, 932 00:41:07,480 --> 00:41:09,920 -because it's the year-- -Is that a Hitler mustache you've got? 933 00:41:10,000 --> 00:41:11,640 It's a Hitler mustache, yes. 934 00:41:11,720 --> 00:41:13,200 This is the year... 935 00:41:13,280 --> 00:41:14,600 [audience giggles] 936 00:41:14,680 --> 00:41:16,720 -[Hugh] I'm guessing-- -It's a microphone. 937 00:41:16,800 --> 00:41:18,240 Oh, it's a microphone. 938 00:41:18,320 --> 00:41:20,360 -Why would it be a Hitler mustache? -[dad] Sorry. 939 00:41:20,440 --> 00:41:21,400 No, I... 940 00:41:22,560 --> 00:41:25,400 I'm guessing this is 1970, because it's the year after the moon landings 941 00:41:25,480 --> 00:41:27,640 and I wanted to be an astronaut, and I have to say, 942 00:41:27,720 --> 00:41:31,000 it was either made of asbestos or something weird with petroleum or... 943 00:41:31,080 --> 00:41:34,000 it stank. It absolutely stank and made me feel sick, 944 00:41:34,080 --> 00:41:36,200 which is why I haven't got the visor down. 945 00:41:36,280 --> 00:41:40,320 Because, when the visor was down, this aroma from all over this strange suit 946 00:41:40,400 --> 00:41:44,880 would rise up and I literally was starting to vomit and retch inside this thing. 947 00:41:44,960 --> 00:41:47,280 Like me, as well, on other Christmases, 948 00:41:47,360 --> 00:41:50,920 you were forced into a more conservative style. 949 00:41:52,000 --> 00:41:53,520 -Look at that guy. -Yes. 950 00:41:53,720 --> 00:41:56,120 [Hugh] The tie tucked into the shorts there. 951 00:41:56,640 --> 00:41:58,840 [dad] Why couldn't you dress like that, Jack? 952 00:41:58,920 --> 00:42:01,640 You always had to dress in all these weird things 953 00:42:01,720 --> 00:42:03,720 and women's frocks and all that. 954 00:42:04,240 --> 00:42:06,360 Why couldn't you have worn a tie? 955 00:42:06,440 --> 00:42:07,680 I did. 956 00:42:07,760 --> 00:42:10,880 You dressed me like that, then I dressed up, like Hugh. 957 00:42:10,960 --> 00:42:13,680 And good on him for doing that. We're very similar people, clearly. 958 00:42:13,760 --> 00:42:15,880 Oh, my God. What did you play in the nativity? 959 00:42:16,880 --> 00:42:17,880 [audience giggles] 960 00:42:17,960 --> 00:42:19,760 I was... I was really... 961 00:42:19,840 --> 00:42:21,840 the first time was really low down. 962 00:42:22,400 --> 00:42:23,400 I think I was... 963 00:42:23,480 --> 00:42:26,840 I wasn't as low as the sheep, but I was a shepherd. 964 00:42:26,920 --> 00:42:31,000 Because, obviously, if you're really crap and a nativity play is coming along, 965 00:42:31,080 --> 00:42:32,560 you just get given another sheep. 966 00:42:32,640 --> 00:42:34,080 You just have loads of sheep. 967 00:42:34,160 --> 00:42:35,480 You can't get lower than a sheep. 968 00:42:36,040 --> 00:42:37,200 [audience laughs] 969 00:42:37,280 --> 00:42:38,840 And, uh... 970 00:42:38,920 --> 00:42:40,640 -so I was-- -I beg to differ. 971 00:42:40,720 --> 00:42:41,560 I was... 972 00:42:42,120 --> 00:42:45,240 I think shepherd, sheep, donkey 973 00:42:45,320 --> 00:42:47,800 and then emu is probably the lowest of the low. 974 00:42:47,880 --> 00:42:49,480 -An emu? -[Jack] An emu, yes. 975 00:42:49,560 --> 00:42:51,320 -I was an emu. -Was that your idea? 976 00:42:51,400 --> 00:42:52,520 No. His idea. 977 00:42:53,440 --> 00:42:56,080 -You were-- -It wasn't my idea. I wanted to be Joseph. 978 00:42:56,160 --> 00:42:58,400 Obviously, I wanted to be Joseph. Or maybe Mary. 979 00:42:58,480 --> 00:43:00,040 There's hope. There's... 980 00:43:00,120 --> 00:43:01,560 -But I was forced-- -There's hope. 981 00:43:01,640 --> 00:43:03,360 There's still time. 982 00:43:03,440 --> 00:43:07,800 Now, I want to know, did your careers ever cross? 983 00:43:07,880 --> 00:43:11,480 Because my father was an agent, you are an actor. 984 00:43:11,560 --> 00:43:14,960 -Were you aware of him at any point? -Absolutely. He was a living legend. 985 00:43:15,040 --> 00:43:17,280 To the extent that, when I was starting out, 986 00:43:17,360 --> 00:43:20,280 one of my first jobs was at the Colchester Mercury Theatre 987 00:43:20,360 --> 00:43:22,600 and I was doing a rep season there 988 00:43:22,680 --> 00:43:25,800 and I wrote to Michael, saying, 989 00:43:25,880 --> 00:43:29,480 "Dear Mr. Whitehall, it would be great if you could come and see the shows 990 00:43:29,560 --> 00:43:33,360 and perhaps we could have a chat and you could consider representing me." 991 00:43:33,880 --> 00:43:34,840 Fucker never wrote back. 992 00:43:35,000 --> 00:43:36,360 [explodes with mirth] 993 00:43:36,440 --> 00:43:37,280 Daddy! 994 00:43:38,960 --> 00:43:41,480 Never wrote back to Hugh Bonneville? 995 00:43:41,560 --> 00:43:43,400 It's funny you should say that, 996 00:43:43,480 --> 00:43:48,320 because the other person that wrote to me around that time 997 00:43:48,400 --> 00:43:50,000 was Julian Fellowes. 998 00:43:50,560 --> 00:43:52,720 Julian Fellowes wrote Downton Abbey, by the way, 999 00:43:52,800 --> 00:43:54,480 just in case anyone's like, "Who?" 1000 00:43:54,560 --> 00:43:58,960 And when I last went to Julian and Emma's house... 1001 00:43:59,640 --> 00:44:01,040 he said to me, 1002 00:44:01,120 --> 00:44:04,040 "I asked you to take me on," 1003 00:44:04,640 --> 00:44:08,040 and I said, "Julian, I had no idea. 1004 00:44:08,120 --> 00:44:10,880 I had no idea that you'd written to me." Awful. 1005 00:44:11,400 --> 00:44:13,840 And he said, "You wrote back to me." 1006 00:44:13,920 --> 00:44:16,480 [everyone laughs] 1007 00:44:17,000 --> 00:44:19,800 And I said, "Julian, I beg your pardon?" 1008 00:44:19,880 --> 00:44:22,320 When we came out for lunch, he produced... 1009 00:44:23,120 --> 00:44:24,000 this letter... 1010 00:44:24,760 --> 00:44:27,760 saying, "Dear Julian, thank you very much. 1011 00:44:27,840 --> 00:44:30,960 Unfortunately, at the moment, I've got more clients 1012 00:44:31,040 --> 00:44:33,120 than I'd be able to cope with or manage." 1013 00:44:33,200 --> 00:44:36,080 But how flattered I was that you'd asked me, or something. 1014 00:44:36,160 --> 00:44:38,440 -"Yours sincerely..." -"Yours sincerely, MX." 1015 00:44:38,600 --> 00:44:40,240 -[laughs] -[audience laughs] 1016 00:44:41,120 --> 00:44:43,920 And... Julian said, "So what do you make of that?" 1017 00:44:44,000 --> 00:44:46,880 I said, "Not my handwriting, Julian. 1018 00:44:47,400 --> 00:44:48,840 This is a forgery." 1019 00:44:48,920 --> 00:44:50,360 Hugh, I want to talk about Paddington. 1020 00:44:50,440 --> 00:44:52,200 -I love Paddington. -Oh, good. 1021 00:44:52,280 --> 00:44:53,840 That film is so amazing. 1022 00:44:53,920 --> 00:44:57,240 How does it feel to have made a film like that that's just going to be iconic? 1023 00:44:57,320 --> 00:44:58,800 People will watch it for Christmas. 1024 00:44:58,880 --> 00:45:00,800 I'm really proud of it, 'cause I was very nervous. 1025 00:45:00,880 --> 00:45:04,040 Because I loved Paddington as a kid and I didn't think it was going to... 1026 00:45:04,120 --> 00:45:06,640 I wasn't convinced it was going to work, but it really did, 1027 00:45:06,720 --> 00:45:10,640 and I think, in a way, the second one was even better, so it was really... 1028 00:45:10,720 --> 00:45:11,920 I'm very proud of it. 1029 00:45:12,000 --> 00:45:14,840 -And you do the audio books as well. -I've done most of the audio books. 1030 00:45:14,920 --> 00:45:18,440 For some reason,Stephen Fry seems to have monopolized the beginning and the end, 1031 00:45:18,520 --> 00:45:20,840 but I'm allowed to do the ones in the middle, yeah. 1032 00:45:20,920 --> 00:45:22,560 Now I actually, this Christmas, 1033 00:45:22,640 --> 00:45:26,800 have gone to the trouble of writing my own children's book 1034 00:45:26,880 --> 00:45:28,880 and I've been spending a lot of time 1035 00:45:28,960 --> 00:45:32,280 slaving over this and I've finally finished. 1036 00:45:32,360 --> 00:45:36,080 And, this Christmas, I will be releasing my first ever children's book. 1037 00:45:36,160 --> 00:45:37,560 [dad] How've you written a book, J? 1038 00:45:37,640 --> 00:45:38,960 You've never read a book. 1039 00:45:39,040 --> 00:45:40,040 [audience laughs] 1040 00:45:40,120 --> 00:45:43,320 Wouldn't you need to have a bit of experience of reading 1041 00:45:43,400 --> 00:45:45,800 -before you start writing? -[Hugh laughs] 1042 00:45:45,880 --> 00:45:47,080 It's called The Grouch. 1043 00:45:47,160 --> 00:45:49,240 -I've written a book called The Grouch. -Oh, that's it. 1044 00:45:49,320 --> 00:45:52,400 And I was wondering, as we had one of the greatest actors in the world 1045 00:45:52,480 --> 00:45:54,480 present here this evening, 1046 00:45:54,560 --> 00:45:56,280 whether you might be willing to... 1047 00:45:57,320 --> 00:45:59,760 read The Grouch to this audience? 1048 00:46:00,240 --> 00:46:02,560 -As a kind of world premiere. -[audience whoops, cheers] 1049 00:46:03,120 --> 00:46:04,040 Mr. Bonneville. 1050 00:46:04,480 --> 00:46:05,760 -Thank you. -[Hugh] The Grouch. 1051 00:46:09,000 --> 00:46:11,200 [Hugh] The Grouch by Jack Whitehall. 1052 00:46:11,840 --> 00:46:16,160 "Far away in a cave on Mount Strumpet lived the Grouch. 1053 00:46:16,640 --> 00:46:19,120 Here he is with his pipe and ear trumpet. 1054 00:46:19,760 --> 00:46:22,640 His heart was too cold from all his scorn and doubt. 1055 00:46:23,000 --> 00:46:24,320 His foot, too big... 1056 00:46:24,840 --> 00:46:26,000 on account of his gout. 1057 00:46:26,160 --> 00:46:27,640 [audience laughs] 1058 00:46:28,600 --> 00:46:32,360 He lived near a town. Who's Who Land was its name. 1059 00:46:32,880 --> 00:46:35,720 Where lived all the actors of silver-screen fame. 1060 00:46:36,600 --> 00:46:39,680 The Grouch was nearby, of his own arrangement. 1061 00:46:39,760 --> 00:46:43,120 For his profession, you see, was a theatrical agent. 1062 00:46:43,520 --> 00:46:45,880 Every Christmas, when the moon hit the sky, 1063 00:46:46,320 --> 00:46:49,240 with his big droopy sack and a glint in his eye... 1064 00:46:49,320 --> 00:46:50,880 [audience laughs] 1065 00:46:50,960 --> 00:46:54,600 ...he would sneak down to town and even though it's outrageous, 1066 00:46:54,680 --> 00:46:57,520 he'd steal 15% of everyone's wages. 1067 00:46:57,680 --> 00:46:59,640 [laughter] 1068 00:47:00,000 --> 00:47:02,400 [applause] 1069 00:47:02,520 --> 00:47:04,160 [Hugh] He took back the money... 1070 00:47:04,480 --> 00:47:06,440 his loving family waiting. 1071 00:47:06,520 --> 00:47:09,440 But to spend it on them he found nauseating. 1072 00:47:09,920 --> 00:47:12,600 So instead it was frittered, squandered and wasted 1073 00:47:12,680 --> 00:47:16,720 on lame books about Churchill and the Grouch getting pasted. 1074 00:47:16,800 --> 00:47:18,080 [laughter] 1075 00:47:18,320 --> 00:47:21,200 This happened each year until, one Christmas day, 1076 00:47:21,280 --> 00:47:24,240 the actors decided they had something to say. 1077 00:47:24,320 --> 00:47:26,040 'You've taken too much money, 1078 00:47:26,120 --> 00:47:28,080 so I'm afraid we're all leaving.' 1079 00:47:28,840 --> 00:47:30,320 The Grouch was so angry, 1080 00:47:30,400 --> 00:47:32,320 went red, he was seething. 1081 00:47:32,400 --> 00:47:35,120 Snorting and spluttering with a huff and a grunt, 1082 00:47:35,200 --> 00:47:38,160 as they walked down the mountain, he called one of them a... 1083 00:47:38,760 --> 00:47:40,760 [audience laughs loudly] 1084 00:47:41,320 --> 00:47:46,280 [applause, cheering] 1085 00:47:46,360 --> 00:47:49,640 Sat in his cave, the Grouch now did think 1086 00:47:49,720 --> 00:47:52,000 how would he fund his addiction to drink? 1087 00:47:52,560 --> 00:47:55,360 It was then that he saw a face on TV. 1088 00:47:55,440 --> 00:47:57,880 The boy looked familiar, but only vaguely. 1089 00:47:57,960 --> 00:47:59,560 -[laughs] -[audience laughs] 1090 00:48:00,000 --> 00:48:03,520 'Hilary, who is this guy with blue eyes and great hair, 1091 00:48:03,600 --> 00:48:05,960 making them laugh with his wit and his flair?' 1092 00:48:06,760 --> 00:48:10,000 'You're joking, Mr. Grouch. That Jedi of fun 1093 00:48:10,080 --> 00:48:14,080 with the amazing jokes, that boy is your son.' 1094 00:48:14,160 --> 00:48:17,440 Pound signs appeared in his glaucoma-ridden eyes. 1095 00:48:18,480 --> 00:48:22,560 If the Grouch had a soul, this would be the bit where he cries. 1096 00:48:23,120 --> 00:48:26,480 'I don't need those actors with their lovey-dovey crap. 1097 00:48:27,000 --> 00:48:30,200 If I want to make money, I'll jump on his back.' 1098 00:48:30,280 --> 00:48:31,400 [audience laughs] 1099 00:48:31,480 --> 00:48:33,040 So that is the story, 1100 00:48:33,120 --> 00:48:34,560 it is not one of cheer, 1101 00:48:34,640 --> 00:48:37,120 of how the Grouch stole Christmas 1102 00:48:37,200 --> 00:48:39,560 and his own son's career." 1103 00:48:39,640 --> 00:48:44,560 [audience applauds and cheers] 1104 00:48:44,640 --> 00:48:47,000 Oh, what a wondrous tale! 1105 00:48:47,080 --> 00:48:49,800 Ladies and gentlemen, Hugh Bonneville! 1106 00:48:49,880 --> 00:48:54,400 [audience applauds and cheers loudly] 1107 00:48:55,240 --> 00:48:56,160 Thank you. 1108 00:48:56,240 --> 00:48:58,040 Available in all good book shops. 1109 00:48:58,120 --> 00:48:59,240 [Jack] It was so good. 1110 00:48:59,920 --> 00:49:01,280 Now time for more Queer Eye. 1111 00:49:01,360 --> 00:49:04,720 Let's have a look at how things ended up between the gang and my dad. 1112 00:49:05,200 --> 00:49:10,320 [electro pop music interlude] 1113 00:49:12,120 --> 00:49:13,800 [dad] Why am I going to the bedroom? 1114 00:49:13,880 --> 00:49:16,240 -Tan is waiting for you in your bedroom. -Who's Tan? 1115 00:49:16,320 --> 00:49:17,240 He's the stylist. 1116 00:49:17,720 --> 00:49:19,360 -[dad] Right, okay. -Hello. 1117 00:49:19,440 --> 00:49:21,840 -Hello, I'm Michael. -It's so nice to meet you. 1118 00:49:21,920 --> 00:49:23,760 -[dad] Nice to meet you. -[Tan] Good to see you. 1119 00:49:23,840 --> 00:49:25,320 -[J] Nice to see you. -[Tan] You also. 1120 00:49:25,400 --> 00:49:26,360 [T] Want to take a seat? 1121 00:49:26,440 --> 00:49:27,600 -Yeah, sure. -Shall we do this? 1122 00:49:27,680 --> 00:49:29,800 [dad] You know we had to have that wall sound-proofed. 1123 00:49:30,280 --> 00:49:32,160 -Because of, you know, what Mum... -[laughs] 1124 00:49:32,240 --> 00:49:33,440 No, I mean, it's the problem. 1125 00:49:33,520 --> 00:49:35,800 If you take on a young wife, like I did... 1126 00:49:36,440 --> 00:49:39,640 -I don't know if I can hear any more. -I don't know if I can do this anymore. 1127 00:49:39,720 --> 00:49:42,800 [dad] I'm not saying it's as active as it used to be, obviously. 1128 00:49:43,120 --> 00:49:45,560 I've slowed up a bit in that department. 1129 00:49:45,640 --> 00:49:48,120 But she's still, it's like a rattlesnake. 1130 00:49:48,920 --> 00:49:51,160 -Anyway, that's not why we're here. -[Tan laughs] 1131 00:49:51,960 --> 00:49:54,600 No. We're here to talk about your clothes. 1132 00:49:54,680 --> 00:49:57,560 I think it would be better if Michael dressed a little bit younger. 1133 00:49:57,640 --> 00:50:01,400 I've never seen him in jeans. I've never seen him in casual wear. 1134 00:50:01,480 --> 00:50:04,360 -You know-- -I mean, this is a light suit. 1135 00:50:04,440 --> 00:50:07,360 -That's not casual. -It's not formal. It's a casual suit. 1136 00:50:07,440 --> 00:50:11,520 And if you wanted me very casual, I'd probably take the waistcoat off. 1137 00:50:11,600 --> 00:50:12,880 -That's very casual. -You know. 1138 00:50:12,960 --> 00:50:14,120 Your suits live where? 1139 00:50:14,200 --> 00:50:15,280 -Here? -Over there. 1140 00:50:15,360 --> 00:50:17,360 -Okay. Can I see? -Yeah. 1141 00:50:17,440 --> 00:50:20,240 I like a lot of these. I love that. 1142 00:50:20,720 --> 00:50:22,160 -[dad] Yeah? -Jack, don't pull a face. 1143 00:50:22,240 --> 00:50:24,840 This is a bold choice. 1144 00:50:24,920 --> 00:50:26,120 Where are you wearing this? 1145 00:50:26,200 --> 00:50:27,520 I think that's nice, don't you? 1146 00:50:27,600 --> 00:50:29,920 -I think it's lovely-- -[J] That's for nights out in Soho. 1147 00:50:31,040 --> 00:50:32,080 Now that's weird. 1148 00:50:32,640 --> 00:50:35,440 You know, I'm struggling to believe that you wear these. 1149 00:50:35,520 --> 00:50:39,560 Yes, I would wear those if I was wearing a tie of that color. 1150 00:50:39,640 --> 00:50:40,880 I like to match. 1151 00:50:41,360 --> 00:50:43,960 Oh, so you actually do really think about how you're accessorizing. 1152 00:50:44,040 --> 00:50:45,760 -Yes. -What else do you do to accessorize? 1153 00:50:45,840 --> 00:50:47,320 Oh, yeah, I've got this. 1154 00:50:47,960 --> 00:50:49,680 This Prince Albert. 1155 00:50:50,480 --> 00:50:53,360 -Which I was given by my father. -Is it called a Prince Albert? 1156 00:50:53,440 --> 00:50:55,480 [J] They used to call it a Prince Albert pocket watch. 1157 00:50:55,560 --> 00:50:57,080 -A Prince Albert-- -Yeah, Prince Albert. 1158 00:50:57,160 --> 00:50:58,640 Please don't call it a Prince Albert. 1159 00:50:59,040 --> 00:51:00,920 -Why? It's a Prince Albert. -[Jack] It's not... 1160 00:51:01,000 --> 00:51:03,480 -it means something different now. -Do you want me to get it out? 1161 00:51:03,560 --> 00:51:06,040 -No! -Oh, well, it's out now anyway. 1162 00:51:06,120 --> 00:51:07,440 You have to say pocket watch. 1163 00:51:07,520 --> 00:51:11,320 I will give my Prince Albert to Jack when I die 1164 00:51:11,400 --> 00:51:14,280 -and he will pass it on to his children. -God, you're a lucky boy. 1165 00:51:14,360 --> 00:51:15,680 You don't know what... 1166 00:51:15,760 --> 00:51:18,000 I don't understand what you're talking about. 1167 00:51:18,080 --> 00:51:19,680 A piercing on the end of your willy. 1168 00:51:20,440 --> 00:51:22,240 -What? Like a penis piercing? -[J] Yes. 1169 00:51:22,320 --> 00:51:23,840 -That's a Prince Albert. -[dad] Gross. 1170 00:51:23,920 --> 00:51:26,320 -It helps... -Why would you want that? 1171 00:51:26,800 --> 00:51:29,440 You know how you were talking about soundproofing the wall? 1172 00:51:29,520 --> 00:51:31,680 -Yeah. -You'd need extra insulation 1173 00:51:31,760 --> 00:51:32,600 if you got that, 1174 00:51:32,680 --> 00:51:34,560 as you'd really please somebody at that point. 1175 00:51:34,640 --> 00:51:37,080 -Especially if you had a watch on the end. -Yes! 1176 00:51:37,160 --> 00:51:41,600 [electro pop music interlude] 1177 00:51:41,680 --> 00:51:44,360 Okay, Jack, you wanted to see your dad in something more casual. 1178 00:51:44,440 --> 00:51:45,560 -Yes? -Yep. 1179 00:51:45,640 --> 00:51:47,840 I think we've found something that you're gonna love. 1180 00:51:47,920 --> 00:51:48,800 Michael! 1181 00:51:48,880 --> 00:51:50,600 -[dad] Yes. -[Tan] Can you come show us? 1182 00:51:52,680 --> 00:51:55,840 I look like I've just escaped from Alcatraz. 1183 00:51:55,920 --> 00:51:57,960 Do you not feel more casual and relaxed? 1184 00:51:58,040 --> 00:52:01,320 You'd be happy walking out with me in this outfit, would you? 1185 00:52:01,400 --> 00:52:04,640 That's not what this look is for. This look is for chilling round the house. 1186 00:52:04,720 --> 00:52:06,160 It's your chillaxing look. 1187 00:52:06,240 --> 00:52:09,600 I'm not getting this look at the moment, I have to be honest. 1188 00:52:09,680 --> 00:52:11,320 If you're not, then I've got a back-up, 1189 00:52:11,400 --> 00:52:13,680 which I'm positive you're gonna love. 1190 00:52:13,760 --> 00:52:14,800 Shall we try that instead? 1191 00:52:16,520 --> 00:52:18,520 [Jack] Oh, yes! 1192 00:52:19,040 --> 00:52:19,920 Yes! 1193 00:52:20,000 --> 00:52:21,680 Yes! 1194 00:52:21,760 --> 00:52:23,640 You look great. And the ankles as well. 1195 00:52:23,720 --> 00:52:25,320 -Show me more of that ankle. -Yeah. 1196 00:52:25,400 --> 00:52:28,440 I didn't want to moisturize them, because I wanted that lovely ashy effect. 1197 00:52:28,520 --> 00:52:30,240 It goes so nicely with the sneakers. 1198 00:52:31,520 --> 00:52:34,720 -That takes 30 years off his neck. -[Jack] I like that, yeah. 1199 00:52:34,800 --> 00:52:37,800 And also, this is great for Christmas, because if he does start talking 1200 00:52:37,880 --> 00:52:40,520 -about Brexit and things like that... -Yeah. 1201 00:52:40,840 --> 00:52:42,600 ...we could even go a little higher. 1202 00:52:42,680 --> 00:52:44,720 -Oh, inbuilt gag. Yeah. I like that. -Yes. 1203 00:52:44,800 --> 00:52:47,200 That is perfect for any father this Christmas. 1204 00:52:47,680 --> 00:52:49,800 [T] Hilary will love it. We'll find out what she thinks. 1205 00:52:49,880 --> 00:52:51,800 Will you tell us what you think of this look? 1206 00:52:52,080 --> 00:52:52,920 [sniggers] 1207 00:52:53,320 --> 00:52:54,320 No, Mummy! 1208 00:52:54,600 --> 00:52:56,280 -[snorts] -[Jack] He looks great. 1209 00:52:56,360 --> 00:52:57,680 Could you make this work? 1210 00:52:58,000 --> 00:52:59,920 [dad] Could I make this look work? 1211 00:53:00,000 --> 00:53:02,440 Yeah, do you feel like this could be the new you or no? 1212 00:53:02,520 --> 00:53:03,840 I think probably not. 1213 00:53:04,320 --> 00:53:05,960 [Tan] It just doesn't work for him. 1214 00:53:06,040 --> 00:53:08,920 He looks so good in those suits. He is a sharply-dressed man. 1215 00:53:09,000 --> 00:53:10,080 He's not the problem. 1216 00:53:10,480 --> 00:53:12,760 That, I think, could be where the problem lies. 1217 00:53:12,840 --> 00:53:13,760 That needs help. 1218 00:53:14,240 --> 00:53:18,760 My issue is Jack. Jack's wardrobe is where the problem lies. 1219 00:53:18,840 --> 00:53:21,680 I'm gonna take him back to the boys and we're gonna solve this problem. 1220 00:53:21,760 --> 00:53:22,600 Good. 1221 00:53:22,680 --> 00:53:25,240 [electro pop music interlude] 1222 00:53:25,360 --> 00:53:26,200 [Tan] Jack? 1223 00:53:26,280 --> 00:53:28,400 -[giggles] -Will you come out and join us? 1224 00:53:28,840 --> 00:53:29,880 [Jack] I don't want to. 1225 00:53:30,320 --> 00:53:32,840 -[Tan] No, come on! -[JVN] Oh, my God! 1226 00:53:33,320 --> 00:53:34,600 -[Tan] Now-- -Oh, my God, 1227 00:53:34,680 --> 00:53:36,200 I am so attracted to you right now. 1228 00:53:36,280 --> 00:53:37,800 [JVN] Massive improvement on the pants. 1229 00:53:37,880 --> 00:53:39,280 I mean, I miss the VPL, 1230 00:53:39,360 --> 00:53:42,120 but other than that, I am so turned on right now. 1231 00:53:42,200 --> 00:53:45,880 I feel like I'm dressed to go and talk to a foreigner slightly too loudly. 1232 00:53:45,960 --> 00:53:48,600 You look so confident and handsome. 1233 00:53:48,840 --> 00:53:51,320 Well, if you guys love it, then I guess I love it. 1234 00:53:51,400 --> 00:53:53,720 Let's have a group hug! Come on! 1235 00:53:53,800 --> 00:53:55,840 [AP] Oh, my God, we're so proud of you, man! 1236 00:53:56,200 --> 00:53:57,800 Slow-mo, like leaping up. 1237 00:54:01,000 --> 00:54:03,280 [audience cheers] 1238 00:54:03,840 --> 00:54:04,680 So... 1239 00:54:06,000 --> 00:54:07,960 did you enjoy the Queer Eye experience? 1240 00:54:08,720 --> 00:54:10,040 -Um... -[Jack giggles] 1241 00:54:10,120 --> 00:54:11,120 [audience laughs] 1242 00:54:11,200 --> 00:54:12,760 Yeah. You know, I thought they were... 1243 00:54:12,840 --> 00:54:14,880 yeah, they were good. Very good. 1244 00:54:14,960 --> 00:54:17,680 -A glowing review. -[audience laughs] 1245 00:54:17,800 --> 00:54:20,840 Well, I want to talk about another of our Christmas traditions. 1246 00:54:20,920 --> 00:54:23,640 -Yes? -It wasn't just dressing up like you 1247 00:54:23,720 --> 00:54:25,040 that you enforced upon us. 1248 00:54:25,120 --> 00:54:27,600 You also wanted your children to drink like you. 1249 00:54:27,680 --> 00:54:31,720 This might be the most British clip that you will ever see. 1250 00:54:32,320 --> 00:54:37,040 Just to contextualize it, when this was filmed, it was 1994. 1251 00:54:37,120 --> 00:54:38,680 I was five years old. 1252 00:54:38,760 --> 00:54:40,440 Molly was three years old. 1253 00:54:40,520 --> 00:54:43,320 And my brother Barnaby was two years old! 1254 00:54:44,600 --> 00:54:46,600 -[Barney] More wine, please! -We just did a snowman. 1255 00:54:46,680 --> 00:54:48,160 [dad] You've finished that! 1256 00:54:48,240 --> 00:54:49,640 I want some more, please. 1257 00:54:49,840 --> 00:54:50,680 More. 1258 00:54:51,320 --> 00:54:53,200 This kid knocks the wine back. 1259 00:54:53,280 --> 00:54:54,880 [mum] I wouldn't give him any more now. 1260 00:54:54,960 --> 00:54:57,560 -You can eat some lunch, Barney. -One more, Barney, and that's it, 1261 00:54:57,640 --> 00:55:02,200 because this is the Chablis Premier Cru 1990. 1262 00:55:02,280 --> 00:55:04,400 [mum] Where's Molla? Hi, Molla. 1263 00:55:04,880 --> 00:55:07,440 -[Barney coughs] Wine. -[dad] Barney's doing a good impersonation 1264 00:55:07,520 --> 00:55:09,240 of Mr. Ferry over there. 1265 00:55:09,320 --> 00:55:13,080 Sort of knocking it back and coughing it out. Oh! 1266 00:55:13,800 --> 00:55:15,680 M... M... Merry Christmas. 1267 00:55:15,760 --> 00:55:19,800 -[dad] Oh, lovely. -[applause] 1268 00:55:21,560 --> 00:55:23,280 Look at little Barney. 1269 00:55:23,360 --> 00:55:24,520 He's so sweet. 1270 00:55:24,600 --> 00:55:26,200 How do you feel about watching that back? 1271 00:55:26,280 --> 00:55:30,080 That you introduced your two-year-old son to alcohol at Christmas lunch. 1272 00:55:30,520 --> 00:55:33,320 No, I didn't. He had a Buck's Fizz for breakfast. 1273 00:55:33,400 --> 00:55:36,440 -Jack giggles] -I mean, just a... a tiny one. 1274 00:55:36,880 --> 00:55:38,280 Anyway, shout out to Molly, 1275 00:55:38,360 --> 00:55:40,040 who is watching this evening in the stalls, 1276 00:55:40,120 --> 00:55:43,920 and my brother Barnaby, who is watching from the Priory Rehab Clinic. 1277 00:55:44,000 --> 00:55:46,000 [audience laughs] 1278 00:55:46,560 --> 00:55:50,520 So that is almost the end of the show. All I need to do now is the big finale. 1279 00:55:51,160 --> 00:55:56,280 I told you earlier about how I've always been ashamed of my emu performance. 1280 00:55:56,360 --> 00:55:59,680 Well, I figured that having a Netflix Christmas special 1281 00:55:59,760 --> 00:56:03,160 was finally my chance to do something about it. 1282 00:56:03,640 --> 00:56:05,720 [audience whoops, cheers] 1283 00:56:05,840 --> 00:56:08,840 I've taken it upon myself to write my very own musical 1284 00:56:08,920 --> 00:56:12,080 that finally places the emu front and center. 1285 00:56:12,480 --> 00:56:16,680 To do so, I've enlisted the help of the godfather of musical theater, 1286 00:56:16,920 --> 00:56:18,600 Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber. 1287 00:56:19,040 --> 00:56:22,000 Okay, first up, we probably need to think of a plot for our musical. 1288 00:56:22,080 --> 00:56:22,920 Good idea. 1289 00:56:24,280 --> 00:56:25,120 What about this? 1290 00:56:25,440 --> 00:56:27,960 Young soprano emu, 1291 00:56:28,040 --> 00:56:32,080 who becomes the obsession of a murderous, hideously disfigured... 1292 00:56:32,840 --> 00:56:34,200 operatic emu? 1293 00:56:34,760 --> 00:56:36,400 Promising, but it's been done. 1294 00:56:36,760 --> 00:56:38,120 Emus on roller skates? 1295 00:56:38,840 --> 00:56:40,520 -Honestly! -Have you got any ideas? 1296 00:56:40,920 --> 00:56:44,200 What about the idea of an older emu, 1297 00:56:44,440 --> 00:56:46,240 with a son... 1298 00:56:46,320 --> 00:56:48,160 a doofus of a son. 1299 00:56:48,240 --> 00:56:50,000 Well, I don't know whether that would... 1300 00:56:50,520 --> 00:56:52,240 I don't know whether that would work. 1301 00:56:52,320 --> 00:56:55,560 ♪ Doofus He was only a doofus ♪ 1302 00:56:55,640 --> 00:56:58,440 ♪ All alone with his memory ♪ 1303 00:56:58,520 --> 00:57:00,640 ♪ Of his days in the sun ♪ 1304 00:57:01,200 --> 00:57:02,800 ♪ Just a doofus ♪ 1305 00:57:02,880 --> 00:57:05,440 ♪ Whose passions were returning to him ♪ 1306 00:57:06,000 --> 00:57:07,760 ♪ Just a doofus ♪ 1307 00:57:08,280 --> 00:57:09,160 ♪ Has begun ♪ 1308 00:57:09,240 --> 00:57:11,440 Something like that. I mean, I can see that. 1309 00:57:12,920 --> 00:57:15,520 [Jack] I think things went pretty well with Lord Lloyd Webber, 1310 00:57:15,600 --> 00:57:17,760 or Andy, as he told me not to call him. 1311 00:57:18,640 --> 00:57:20,640 Next up, the Bonnie to his Clyde. 1312 00:57:20,720 --> 00:57:22,880 The Chaka Demus to his Pliers. 1313 00:57:24,240 --> 00:57:25,600 Sir Tim Rice. 1314 00:57:25,680 --> 00:57:27,320 -Good to see you. -Very good to see you. 1315 00:57:27,400 --> 00:57:28,240 So... 1316 00:57:29,320 --> 00:57:31,840 Love Hamilton, by the way. One of my faves. 1317 00:57:31,920 --> 00:57:33,080 Wasn't one of mine, but... 1318 00:57:33,680 --> 00:57:34,560 So modest. 1319 00:57:35,080 --> 00:57:38,280 I thought there could be a little moment in this musical where I spit some bars. 1320 00:57:38,360 --> 00:57:40,560 -Where you what? -Rapping. 1321 00:57:40,640 --> 00:57:42,680 -Oh, rapping. Sorry, yes. -[Jack] Yes. 1322 00:57:42,760 --> 00:57:44,320 ♪ Don't deny, I can fly ♪ 1323 00:57:44,400 --> 00:57:46,880 ♪ I don't care what they say Things will go my way ♪ 1324 00:57:46,960 --> 00:57:48,480 ♪ I ain't an ostrich ♪ 1325 00:57:48,560 --> 00:57:50,040 ♪ I am an emu, bitch ♪ 1326 00:57:50,560 --> 00:57:52,160 Could you make absolutely sure 1327 00:57:52,240 --> 00:57:55,680 that my name is in no way connected with this project whatsoever? 1328 00:57:56,400 --> 00:57:57,400 [whispers] So modest. 1329 00:57:59,920 --> 00:58:01,200 [Jack] So we've got the music. 1330 00:58:01,280 --> 00:58:04,160 We've got the lyrics. Now it's time for the choreography. 1331 00:58:04,240 --> 00:58:05,640 And to help me do that today, 1332 00:58:05,720 --> 00:58:08,520 I've enlisted the help of a friend of mine, Layton Williams. 1333 00:58:08,600 --> 00:58:11,240 West End star, seen him in musicals like Billy Elliot, 1334 00:58:11,320 --> 00:58:12,800 Everyone's Talking About Jamie. 1335 00:58:12,880 --> 00:58:13,720 [gasps] 1336 00:58:14,680 --> 00:58:15,960 Ah! Ha-ha! 1337 00:58:16,040 --> 00:58:17,960 -Hey! -[clapping] 1338 00:58:18,040 --> 00:58:19,880 Hello. Very good. How are you? 1339 00:58:19,960 --> 00:58:23,080 Five, six, seven and step kick, step kick. 1340 00:58:25,160 --> 00:58:26,560 [Jack] It went really well. 1341 00:58:26,640 --> 00:58:28,560 I feel like I maybe missed my calling. 1342 00:58:28,640 --> 00:58:31,720 I mean, I heard some mumblings from some of the other dancers. 1343 00:58:31,800 --> 00:58:33,720 I think I heard the phrase, "White Usher." 1344 00:58:34,240 --> 00:58:36,720 Five, six, seven and boom, and boom. 1345 00:58:37,080 --> 00:58:37,920 Ah! 1346 00:58:38,320 --> 00:58:40,160 I clearly have a natural sense of rhythm. 1347 00:58:40,240 --> 00:58:42,160 Truly? Honestly... 1348 00:58:43,280 --> 00:58:45,040 not a fucking hope in hell. 1349 00:58:45,600 --> 00:58:48,720 [Jack] It's all coming together. Time to hit the promo circuit. 1350 00:58:48,880 --> 00:58:51,920 So, Jack, I hear you're doing a musical, a new musical? 1351 00:58:52,000 --> 00:58:53,480 A new musical, yes. 1352 00:58:53,560 --> 00:58:56,120 I've enlisted the help of Lord Andrew Lloyd Webber 1353 00:58:56,200 --> 00:58:57,280 and Sir Tim Rice 1354 00:58:57,360 --> 00:59:00,080 and I am going to be starring in my own musical. 1355 00:59:00,160 --> 00:59:02,040 Fantastic. And is your dad going to be in it? 1356 00:59:03,240 --> 00:59:05,480 No, it's just me. 1357 00:59:05,560 --> 00:59:07,080 It's me. I'm the star of the show 1358 00:59:07,160 --> 00:59:10,800 and it's going to be me singing in a musical for the first time ever. 1359 00:59:10,880 --> 00:59:11,800 No dad? 1360 00:59:11,960 --> 00:59:12,880 No dad. No. 1361 00:59:12,960 --> 00:59:13,840 [audience laughs] 1362 00:59:13,920 --> 00:59:15,240 That seems a shame. 1363 00:59:15,440 --> 00:59:17,920 [audience laughs] 1364 00:59:18,600 --> 00:59:19,600 What's the next question? 1365 00:59:20,160 --> 00:59:21,360 I'm feeling so confident 1366 00:59:21,440 --> 00:59:25,720 and now I think it's just a case of fine-tuning it a bit, so... 1367 00:59:26,440 --> 00:59:28,400 I'm gonna get back in there, finesse it. 1368 00:59:29,160 --> 00:59:30,880 Things are looking pretty good right now. 1369 00:59:34,960 --> 00:59:36,000 Okay, come on, guys. 1370 00:59:37,840 --> 00:59:38,680 No rest. 1371 00:59:39,320 --> 00:59:40,400 Let's go again. 1372 00:59:41,360 --> 00:59:42,920 [announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, 1373 00:59:43,000 --> 00:59:46,560 it's the world premiere of Emu: The Musical. 1374 00:59:47,160 --> 00:59:48,360 [playing "Silent Night"] 1375 00:59:48,440 --> 00:59:50,680 [lady narrator] And Mary did have a baby. 1376 00:59:51,360 --> 00:59:53,360 And he was called Jesus. 1377 00:59:53,440 --> 00:59:54,560 Jesus! 1378 00:59:54,640 --> 00:59:56,200 [narrator] And the Lord was pleased. 1379 00:59:56,280 --> 00:59:58,840 [clapping] 1380 00:59:59,360 --> 01:00:01,720 ♪ Perhaps you'll recognize the scene ♪ 1381 01:00:01,800 --> 01:00:04,320 ♪ It's not so strange for you and me ♪ 1382 01:00:04,400 --> 01:00:06,840 ♪ It looks kind of familiar ♪ 1383 01:00:06,920 --> 01:00:08,280 ♪ But look again ♪ 1384 01:00:08,360 --> 01:00:11,000 ♪ What do you see? ♪ 1385 01:00:11,080 --> 01:00:11,920 [audience cheers] 1386 01:00:12,000 --> 01:00:13,960 ♪ Forget the donkey ♪ 1387 01:00:15,280 --> 01:00:16,720 ♪ Forget the sheep ♪ 1388 01:00:16,800 --> 01:00:18,080 [audience claps in time] 1389 01:00:18,160 --> 01:00:19,840 ♪ Forget Baby Jesus ♪ 1390 01:00:21,520 --> 01:00:23,360 ♪ It's all about me ♪ 1391 01:00:24,120 --> 01:00:25,400 ♪ The emu ♪ 1392 01:00:27,120 --> 01:00:28,440 ♪ The emu ♪ 1393 01:00:30,400 --> 01:00:33,600 ♪ The nativity that we were taught ♪ 1394 01:00:33,680 --> 01:00:36,480 ♪ Turns out not to be entirely true ♪ 1395 01:00:36,920 --> 01:00:39,760 ♪ Here's the Christmas story You've never heard ♪ 1396 01:00:39,840 --> 01:00:42,840 ♪ The central character Is a flightless bird ♪ 1397 01:00:44,640 --> 01:00:45,960 ♪ I was an emu ♪ 1398 01:00:46,040 --> 01:00:47,240 ♪ A weakling boy ♪ 1399 01:00:47,720 --> 01:00:50,720 ♪ Till my father, the classic fool ♪ 1400 01:00:50,800 --> 01:00:53,480 ♪ Didn't recognize my worth ♪ 1401 01:00:53,560 --> 01:00:56,840 ♪ Sent me away to boarding school ♪ 1402 01:00:58,040 --> 01:00:59,240 Cue tiny violins. 1403 01:00:59,800 --> 01:01:03,880 ♪ All alone in my dormitory ♪ 1404 01:01:03,960 --> 01:01:08,280 ♪ The other emus all ignored me ♪ 1405 01:01:08,360 --> 01:01:12,440 ♪ Sat alone, watching the clock ♪ 1406 01:01:13,000 --> 01:01:16,880 ♪ Me and my tuck box and a crunchy sock ♪ 1407 01:01:16,960 --> 01:01:18,400 [audience laughs] 1408 01:01:18,720 --> 01:01:21,680 -Why is there a guy in my bed? -No time to explain. 1409 01:01:21,760 --> 01:01:24,280 I'm Angel Gabriel. What's the matter, little emu? 1410 01:01:24,360 --> 01:01:26,720 [laughs] I don't want to be an emu. Emus suck. 1411 01:01:26,800 --> 01:01:27,720 Not true, my man. 1412 01:01:27,800 --> 01:01:30,840 -Emus are the best bird ever! -He's kind of intense. 1413 01:01:31,400 --> 01:01:33,600 ♪ You're the second-biggest bird In the world ♪ 1414 01:01:33,680 --> 01:01:35,200 Oh, he's wearing no pants. 1415 01:01:35,280 --> 01:01:37,720 ♪ You can run at 30 miles an hour ♪ 1416 01:01:37,800 --> 01:01:38,720 Oh, God! 1417 01:01:38,800 --> 01:01:41,880 ♪ Rod Hull, he had one That's a reference for your mum ♪ 1418 01:01:41,960 --> 01:01:44,640 ♪ Yeah, emus are the best bird in town ♪ 1419 01:01:44,720 --> 01:01:46,600 But my dad says emus are stupid! 1420 01:01:46,680 --> 01:01:48,400 Well, your dad's a jackass. 1421 01:01:48,480 --> 01:01:49,520 Complete asshole. 1422 01:01:49,600 --> 01:01:50,920 I have a message for you! 1423 01:01:51,000 --> 01:01:53,560 ♪ You've been called by God on high ♪ 1424 01:01:53,640 --> 01:01:56,520 ♪ To take Mary and Joe to Bethlehem ♪ 1425 01:01:57,440 --> 01:02:00,680 ♪ Donkey, scoot on over Emu is about to fly ♪ 1426 01:02:00,760 --> 01:02:02,720 ♪ Emu is the best bird in town ♪ 1427 01:02:02,800 --> 01:02:03,720 Joseph! 1428 01:02:03,800 --> 01:02:06,280 I don't care what my father says. I am relevant! 1429 01:02:06,360 --> 01:02:08,520 -Damn right! -Help me. Help me up. 1430 01:02:08,600 --> 01:02:11,600 ♪ Forget the donkey, stupid donkey ♪ 1431 01:02:11,680 --> 01:02:14,200 ♪ It's all about me ♪ 1432 01:02:14,280 --> 01:02:15,200 ♪ The emu! ♪ 1433 01:02:15,280 --> 01:02:17,560 And the birth of Jesus Christ, Jack! 1434 01:02:17,640 --> 01:02:18,600 ♪ That too ♪ 1435 01:02:21,000 --> 01:02:23,720 ♪ I took them to Bethlehem ♪ 1436 01:02:24,200 --> 01:02:26,840 ♪ How can we ever thank you, sir? ♪ 1437 01:02:26,920 --> 01:02:30,040 ♪ I don't want to make a fuss ♪ 1438 01:02:30,120 --> 01:02:33,360 ♪ All I ask is you remember us ♪ 1439 01:02:33,440 --> 01:02:34,760 ♪ Remember us ♪ 1440 01:02:34,840 --> 01:02:36,360 And give me a five-star rating. 1441 01:02:36,840 --> 01:02:39,800 ♪ I know it's hard to believe But it's true ♪ 1442 01:02:39,880 --> 01:02:42,800 ♪ The real star of Christmas Is the Christmas emu ♪ 1443 01:02:43,280 --> 01:02:46,080 ♪ The reason you've never heard of me ♪ 1444 01:02:46,160 --> 01:02:49,440 ♪ Is they replaced the emu With a little donkey ♪ 1445 01:02:49,520 --> 01:02:52,640 ♪ Little donkey, little donkey ♪ 1446 01:02:52,720 --> 01:02:53,800 ♪ On the dusty ♪ 1447 01:02:53,880 --> 01:02:58,000 Shut up! If you are going to sing that song, you will use the correct lyrics. 1448 01:02:58,560 --> 01:03:00,120 ♪ Little emu, little emu ♪ 1449 01:03:00,200 --> 01:03:01,320 Better! 1450 01:03:01,400 --> 01:03:04,560 ♪ On the dusty road ♪ 1451 01:03:06,360 --> 01:03:09,120 ♪ Emu was the true Christmas miracle ♪ 1452 01:03:09,200 --> 01:03:12,480 ♪ The true shining star Bright in the sky ♪ 1453 01:03:12,560 --> 01:03:15,400 ♪ For over 2,000 years ago ♪ 1454 01:03:15,480 --> 01:03:19,560 ♪ It was in Bethlehem, I learned to fly ♪ 1455 01:03:19,720 --> 01:03:22,240 [audience whoops, cheers] 1456 01:03:22,320 --> 01:03:23,720 ♪ Forget the donkey ♪ 1457 01:03:23,800 --> 01:03:25,000 ♪ Stupid, fucking donkey ♪ 1458 01:03:25,080 --> 01:03:26,760 ♪ Forget the sheep ♪ 1459 01:03:26,840 --> 01:03:28,240 ♪ Blah, blah, blah ♪ 1460 01:03:28,320 --> 01:03:29,800 ♪ Forget Baby Jesus ♪ 1461 01:03:29,880 --> 01:03:31,120 ♪ Wah, wah, wah ♪ 1462 01:03:31,200 --> 01:03:32,800 ♪ It's all about me ♪ 1463 01:03:32,880 --> 01:03:34,200 ♪ It's all about him ♪ 1464 01:03:34,280 --> 01:03:35,840 ♪ It's all about me ♪ 1465 01:03:35,920 --> 01:03:36,800 ♪ All about him ♪ 1466 01:03:36,880 --> 01:03:38,240 ♪ The emu ♪ 1467 01:03:39,920 --> 01:03:41,480 ♪ The emu ♪ 1468 01:03:42,920 --> 01:03:46,320 ♪ The emu! ♪ 1469 01:03:46,400 --> 01:03:48,640 ♪ Emu! ♪ 1470 01:03:48,720 --> 01:03:50,720 [cheering, applause] 1471 01:03:50,800 --> 01:03:53,440 Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen! 1472 01:03:53,520 --> 01:03:54,760 Goodnight! 1473 01:03:54,840 --> 01:03:58,240 [cheering and applause continues] 1474 01:04:05,560 --> 01:04:07,120 ♪ Stupid, fucking donkey ♪ 1475 01:04:08,640 --> 01:04:10,160 ♪ Blah, blah, blah ♪ 1476 01:04:11,760 --> 01:04:13,160 ♪ Wah, wah, wah ♪ 1477 01:04:17,720 --> 01:04:19,160 ♪ All about me ♪ 1478 01:04:28,320 --> 01:04:29,800 ♪ Emu! ♪