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Oh, what a drag.
I'm being on featured on "Cops" twice.
Kissy ass, it's too hard.
- Damn, she's a mad slut.
Ooh.
- Oof, ah.
- No.
What the?
Ow!
- Hey. - Get out.
- And we've got action.
Oh, you stupid fucker.
And so it begins.
Surprise.
Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey.
Rise and shine?
Yeah, no good.
I hate wakey wakey and rise and shine, too.
There's really no good phrase to start the morning
unless you're a morning person.
I guess you'd be fine with any old greeting.
You a morning person, Brad?
Don't need an alarm clock,
you just wake up with a gleam in your eye
and a pep in your step, ready for a brand new day?
Yeah, I bet you're one of those people.
Not this guy, though, am I right?
Needs his beauty sleep.
Isn't that right, Dylan?
You need a good nine to 10
hours before you start your day?
- Help!
- Uh, help!
¶ Help! ¶
Come on, we almost had a good harmony going there.
That was nice.
Yell all you want.
There ain't nobody out there but us chickens.
- What the fuck?
- Yes indeed, what the fuck.
That is the question.
So glad you finally asked.
- Yeah, what the fuck?
- Yeah, the question's already been established
by your buddy here.
- What the fuck?
- It's been established.
- What the, what the fuck is this?
- So here's your "what the fuck."
You're both gonna help me answer a really big question.
You've been selected to be a part
of a truly important study, an experiment.
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry, Dylan.
I knew that words like experiment or study
would make you agitated.
- Fuck you, bitch.
- Good one.
I won't use words like study or experiment anymore.
We're gonna play a little game.
- Holy shit, what is this?
- Oh, shit, what?
- My legs, I can't feel my legs.
What did you do to my legs?
- Yeah, what did you do to my legs?
- Okay now, everybody just calm down.
You're asking a lot of questions, and rightfully so,
but we've gotta have some order
if anything's gonna get done around here.
You haven't even given me a chance
to address your concerns.
- Well then, start answering, you bitch.
- Yeah, bitch.
- God, he's so much worse than I imagined.
- What's your deal?
- Let's get on the same page here, shall we?
Very good, now.
Ask me a question, just one.
- Who are you, like for real?
- Yeah.
- I'm your abductor.
- Great, and what should we call our abductor?
Sorry, abductress.
- General rule to live by,
when going to a bar and trying to take a girl home,
it might be considered rude
to not even have a clue as to what her name is.
- You were taking us to your place.
- My name's Meg, but that's not important.
Next question.
- Where are we?
- Deep end of an empty pool in an empty neighborhood.
Next question.
- Which neighborhood, where?
- Not important.
- Fucking bitch.
- Do go on.
- What is this?
- A study, an experiment.
I already told you that.
- Ask her if she'll let us go.
- Have you, have you maimed me, maimed us?
Will I walk again?
Oh God, no
No, no, no, I didn't maim you.
I, this isn't one of those long stings.
In fact, let's just say that we'll be done with this
by the time the sun drops behind that hill over there.
We'll be done one way or another.
That much I promise you, next?
- Why?
Fancy Pants!
- And?
- Know him?
- Sure, Aaron.
- Orin.
- Orin, whatever, so what?
- And who is Orin to you, Brad?
- He's a kid at school.
- Who is Orin to the two of you?
- He's just some kid.
- Just some kid?
In the interest of brevity
and moving this soiree right along,
I'm gonna read some brief and blatantly painful excerpts
from Orin's journal.
Who the fuck keeps a journal
- October 8th, last year.
My ear continues to ring from the punch I took
from Dylan in the hall today.
December 5th, last year.
Brad and his bulldog, Dylan,
are transferred out of my gym glass.
This is big news for me as it means
I won't be tortured after lunch on the regular anymore.
December 13th, this year.
I miss being able to schedule my abuse and humiliation.
Now that Brad and the animal are no longer in my gym class,
they find me whenever they can throughout the day.
I never know when the attacks are coming.
Once I graduate and move on from this hellhole,
they will, too.
I'm sure they'll learn to mask their hatred to an extent,
but they'll still be out there,
as others will like them.
They'll always find ways to scourge the undeserving
and make lives miserable in their wake.
I really don't see an end.
No light at the end of this tunnel.
Dude's obsessed with us.
- Where exactly was the brevity in all of that?
- Yeah, brevity.
What is that?
- Pretty long-winded and dramatic, if you ask me.
- I didn't.
Do you think that homosexuality is a choice, Brad?
- A choice?
- Yeah.
Do people choose to be gay, or don't they?
- We've all got free will, so yeah.
I guess it's totally a choice.
- Right.
Let me ask you this, Brad.
Think your parents are proud?
Parents, older sister?
Two older sisters, right?
- Stalker.
It's not the first time some chick
has stalked me.
- Ugh, get over yourself.
Think they're proud?
- Yeah, I'd like to think so.
- Yeah, I bet they're proud.
Bet your mom and dad, older sisters Susan and Judy,
are so proud of their all-American son,
little brother, making his way
through the high school ranks so amicably.
- You could say that.
- What about you?
- What about me?
- No siblings, no dad to make him proud or look up to.
Had to go find a chum to follow at school.
- I don't follow shit!
- Is homosexuality a choice?
- Yeah, it is.
- No siblings, raised by your grandma,
with a double-digit IQ.
Must be so difficult for you.
- Yeah, well, fuck you.
- Something that's always made so little sense to me
about people like you
is your absolute opposition to people of color,
religion hooking up,
but when it comes to the sexes,
they have to be opposite by their very definition.
- So now, we're bigots, too?
Hey, don't listen to her.
She's trying to mind fuck you,
trying to mind fuck the both of us.
Don't know why yet, but that's what she's doing.
- Dylan asked me if was the Mayor of Queertown
before slapping me across the face in the quad.
Brad and Dylan followed me to my car, got in,
and demanded that I take them to the liquor store.
I did, and they adhered rainbow stickers
all over my windows as I drove them there.
I can't peel them off without tearing my window tint.
Brad held me down and spit in my mouth.
- All right, all right.
So we had some fun with this guy.
Normal high school stuff.
It happens every day.
What's it to you?
Is he your little brother or some shit?
Great, so we fucked with your little brother.
So what, it happens.
Shit like that happens.
Doesn't mean you go out and capture,
you kidnap people and tie them up
like you're part of some kind
of underground military operation.
Plus being his sister, I bet you have an idea
of what an insufferable prick he can be.
I'm gonna ask you again,
what the fuck do you want from us?
- Yeah, just tell us what you want,
and we'll give it to you, anything you want.
- Shut your fucking face.
- Sorry, Brad.
- We won't give her anything she wants.
We won't give her shit.
- Right, nothin' is what she'll get.
We won't give you shit
Tell me, Dylan, do you know what a hate crime is?
- Of course I do.
And now you're doing this to us,
so this is a hate hate crime crime.
You're hate hate crime criming us.
- That checks out, that actually works.
This is a hate hate crime crime,
because you hate hate crimes, and this is a crime.
- Totally.
You done?
Orin was always a really smart kid, you know.
When he decided to do it,
he knew not to do it like they do in the movies.
You know, east to west.
Instead, he dragged the blade southbound,
parallel to the vein.
What would you say if I told you this was your fault?
- Again, what do you want from us?
- I'm gonna give you the opportunity
to test your theory.
You know, very few theorists ever get
the opportunity to do that,
but you guys are gonna prove or disprove your theory
that you have so much faith in.
And by doing so,
you'll also be helping me with my thesis project.
Isn't that great?
- What's the bitch talking about now?
- No idea.
- Brad, Dylan, you two aren't going anywhere
until you prove to me,
for our audience over there,
that sexual proclivity is a choice.
- What's that mean?
What the fuck is this crazy bitch talking about?
- I think she wants us to have sex.
- Fuck that, with her?
No way, I'd never touch that skank.
- Logistically speaking, that would be damn near impossible,
given your bondage and whatnot.
- Not her, Dyl.
- Then what?
Oh, you mean, me and you?
She wants you and me to fuck each other?
Well, I'd have big problems with that.
- What I have in store for you is much more fun.
See that one over there?
That one's you, streamed live.
And this one over here, that's you,
also streaming live.
Wave hello.
Oh, I forgot, you can't.
Well, nod or something, don't be rude.
And don't worry about the word live here.
Yes, they're both live,
but nobody's been alerted to their existence yet.
It's just, you know, floating around there on the internet.
It's like a bunch of other dumb shit.
Right now, they're live for the sake of documentation.
So nothing to worry about.
- Sure, why would we worry about that minor detail?
- No, I'm serious.
I've got a guy who's really good
with the whole face-blurring thing,
so if you play your cards right,
you can keep your anonymity
even if this study garners any recognition.
Oh, over here.
Just hold that thought,
and I will be right back.
Well, this is fuckin' weird.
Totally, but boobs, right?
I think I got a concussion.
Uh, like drugs?
No.
Oh, fuck.
Is that your neck?
I think so.
I thought it was your nose.
You can see?
Yeah, I see black, what about you?
Oh, you fuckin' idiot.
I fuckin' hate you so much.
What, I'm telling you what I see.
Just leave me alone.
Why are you being like this?
Listen, shut up.
- Sorry about that.
Now, where were we, oh, yes.
Mysterious third stream, ah.
- Where'd you just go?
- Not important, but the third stream is.
Where could it be, what could it be?
What, you're not even curious?
Sorry, I'm having way too much fun.
Ah, it's a classic case of trickle-down abuse.
- I'm not playing your game.
- It's like when the victim becomes the bully,
and then they relish in it way too much,
except for I'm the de facto victim
because the actual victim's in the hospital.
Anyway, third stream is coming from a camera
that sits right down there.
Don't you kinda wanna see it?
- Yes, show us.
Fuck is that, whore?
What the fuck is that?
Care to see?
All you have to do is look right down, it's right there.
Fantastic, isn't it?
All you two have to do to get out of here is make
this little bell here chime.
And I've got it rigged so that, let's say,
when you two meet,
then it'll lift off of its platform,
and we'll hear its sweet little bell.
But the catch is,
it has to be both members and at the same time.
You both following this?
- No, members, what's she talking about now?
Who's a member, member of what?
- Do you want to explain it to him, or should I?
Your dicks, honey.
We're talkin' about your dicks.
Need you to get a boner, a hard on,
a stiffy, wood, hard weiner.
We need you to do this at the same time together
while looking into each other's eyes
because if homosexuality is a choice,
like you two have claimed it to be over and over again,
then this shouldn't be too hard , difficult,
shouldn't be too difficult.
By the way, this was no easy task
as the difference in length and girth
between you two is quite significant.
Sorry, Brad, your buddy here puts you to shame.
- I've got a big dick?
Is she sayin' I got a big dick?
- Shall we begin with phase one of the experiment?
- Oh God, I'm sorry, I got nervous.
- My, my.
- Sorry, bro, I get bones when I get nervous,
it just happens.
I guess now is as good
a time as any, you wanna tell him, or should I?
- Tell him what?
- What, tell who what?
- If you don't tell him, I'm gonna tell him.
- Okay, okay, I'll tell him.
I always get boners when I'm nervous.
I suspected this would happen at some point,
but I didn't expect it to happen so quickly.
- When I get scared, it just pops up.
It just happens.
- Truth is, when you get nervous or you get scared,
your heart flutters.
You know, the whole fight or flight syndrome thing.
This makes getting an erection nearly impossible.
- Why the fuck is your dick hard?
- This is a different kind of excitement.
- This is fuckin' brutal.
- Well, I've got some good news,
and I've got some bad news.
Good news is, you guys are half way there.
Brad just needs to chub up, and you guys are good to go.
Bad news is, turns out Dylan's one of those awful people.
You know, you hear about it all the time.
Politicians, CEOs, priests.
Usually people in a power position.
They repress their own sexual desires
and instead turn it into aggressive acts
toward others that have similar inclinations to their own.
Didn't have to do much searching to find out
that your buddy here is clearly gay.
Always has been.
- You're a fag?
- She's lying, I love chicks.
- So cowardly, just looking at that clueless face
makes me ponder the mistakes of evolution.
Hell, I'd be real hard pressed
not to get super sadistic on you right now
if you weren't so goddamn slow.
Sad, really.
- Holy fuck, I can feel it touching me,
and it's getting bigger.
- Told you he was a big boy. - Oh, my God.
Anyway, should we get back at the task at hand, guys?
Oh, poor thing, you look awfully thirsty.
- Get the fuck away. - Want some water?
How about you, Dylan?
- I've got the opposite problem.
- Okay, give me some of that.
Oh, you fucking bitch.
- Ask nicely.
- Please give me some water.
- Good, Baby Bird.
I've got to take a leak.
- I put a hole in your sleeve, just let 'er rip.
- Dude, you're pissin' on my dick!
- Sorry, bro, couldn't help it.
- Get me the fuck, what the fuck,
get me the fuck out of this.
- Calm down, it's just urine, it's sterile.
- I don't like it.
- Hm, I don't blame you,
but you know what?
Sooner we get to it,
the sooner you two can get out of here.
So I'll give you two the full hour
to complete this simple little task.
It's a choice, after all,
so it should be pretty simple.
Just choose to like each other sexually.
Brad, it's all up to you.
- All right, I'll play, what the fuck.
So you handled me?
Really got your hands all up on me,
getting my dick into that absurd contraption.
- It's not how this works.
Each other, you have to choose each other.
If I don't hear the tingling of this little bell
in one hour's time,
then we're gonna have to move on to stage two.
- What's stage two?
- Oh, stage two is forced.
Yeah, at stage two, I'm gonna release
a whole bunch of new pictures
and show everybody about your recently acquired interests.
Well, Brad's recently acquired interests.
- I'm just nervous.
- I'll leave you guys to get to it.
Give you some alone time.
Found this little baby inside the house.
It's amazing what some people will abandon.
This cut runs about a half hour,
just to give you an idea of where you're at.
One hour, then we share.
Time's up, bitches.
Let's see what we got.
Dylan's still strong like bull,
and Brad is not so much.
- Whatever.
- Subject D shows visible signs
of continued excitement by means
of a healthy and prolonged erection
at the one hour and six minute mark,
while Subject B remains flaccid and sexually dormant.
Okay, well, time to post the latest.
And post and publish.
Always gotta stay current with your latest updates.
- And you really think anyone would take this seriously
with a Chinese dick trap
at the center of your little experiment?
- Yeah, I do.
I think that the smart people
will see the bigger picture,
and that's your friend's dick at the moment.
So on to phase two.
Phase two's a little bit longer,
but with newer consequences.
- What now, bitch?
- Good one, again.
Next step is physical.
So if you don't make the right choice,
you're both gonna lose something.
- Oh, God.
- And what would you do if you had that knife?
Don't you worry about that rusty old thing.
It won't come into play here.
But I will give you a sneak peek into what will.
I'm really good with knots, all kinds of knots.
Dad was a seaman.
Semen.
- So you got your basic Figure Eight,
Alpine Butterfly,
and then there's the Constrictor.
- Where'd you even get that?
- Fun fact, see this flimsy,
nearly invisible piece of string?
It can do just as much damage as that there knife.
(String zipping
- Oh.
- I'll leave these here for motivation.
- I can't, I just, I can't do it.
- He's trying.
- Sorry.
- It's not nearly as fun
as I thought it would be.
Kind of pathetic, actually.
Yeah, it's just like you said.
One guy broke almost immediately,
and the other one's totally devastated.
But you can see that yourself.
Yeah, if I didn't know any better,
I'd feel kind of bad, actually.
I'll be right here until I'm not anymore.
Oh, shit.
Oh.
Really?
These fake IDs are gonna get us laid.
All right.
Why are we traveling all the way across town
just to hunt cougars?
- 'Cause the bartender doesn't look up
when he checks your ID.
Just stares at his phone.
- Yeah, really, fuck yeah, dude.
Your regimen.
Now, you can look every day as a Friday.
- What is that?
- It's a cougar's man.
- Cougar's man, just like females, but older.
Cougars.
Well, you can make that a reality
at the Coke Company Limited.
With our gel coma-inducing technology--
- You ready?
- Hell, yeah, let's go.
Yeah.
Kick some ass.
You can choose anything here to be your--
- Bye, grandma, be home whenever.
For the next 20 minutes,
our trained deep slumber specialists are--
Wow, you're grandma's so not a cougar.
- Are these?
- We have made it, my friend, we're in.
- Hey, Dylan, stop acting odd.
You'll get us busted.
Just drink your drink,
and keep your eyes peeled for some dimes.
- Dimes, right.
- Boom, found one.
And she looks interested,
and she's not a cougar.
- That right there is a full-blown puma.
- Shit, she's comin' over here, be cool.
- Hey.
- So which one of you guys
is gonna buy the thirsty girl a drink?
- Oh shit, right, of course, uh.
Uh, excuse me, barkeep.
Sir.
- What can I get you?
- The lady would like a,
what would the lady like?
- Adios motherfucker, if you.
- Got it.
- You'd like to what?
- It's really cheap and it gets really fucked up.
Tip the guy, come on.
- Damn, she's a bad slut.
- This chick is all in.
- Yup, she's crazy yo.
- Yeah, you ever been in a devil's threesome?
- Nah.
- Of course you haven't.
Neither have I, but that's all about to change.
This is about to go down, like for real.
- What's a devil's threesome?
- What do you mean, what's a devil's threesome?
We're gonna bang this girl,
and at the same time and together.
- We are?
- God, that's awesome.
We're gonna make this puma airtight,
that's what we're gonna do.
Just hope I can get it up, I'm so fucked up.
I'm gonna get this party started.
- Careful, Brad.
At you now.
Brad.
- I need you to sound more like a woman.
More feminine.
- Like this, baby?
Do I sound real good? - No.
- Just like that? - No, that's not helping, no.
- You like this?
Oh God, not again.
I got a new problem.
Uh, chick, lady, ma'am?
- Meg, just call me Meg.
Oh, what now, Dylan?
- My contacts need out of my head, or they'll stick.
- Come again?
- Sorry, ma'am, Meg.
My contact lens, they're sticking.
Time to take 'em out.
- You wear contacts, since when?
- Since always, and they're sticking to my eyeballs.
They need out.
- Yeah, I don't do that.
- But-- - What happens
if nothing happens?
- CLARE.
- Claire, who's Claire?
- Contact lens acute red-eye, CLARE.
I could go blind.
- Ah, seriously?
- Dude, seriously?
- Totally seriously.
It's happened before, like five times before.
Lots of close calls, but I think this is a record for me.
Gotta get them out.
- Yeah, I told you, I don't, I don't do that.
- Yeah, well, please?
- Ugh, er, do I use my fingers?
- Yeah, just a pinch, and on your tip.
- Uh, oh.
Oh.
- That was unexpectedly easy.
Uh, oh.
- Easy peasy, anything else?
- It's like I don't even know you.
- Very good, all right, back to it.
- Oh, that was just awful.
- It's all right, pal, we'll get out of this.
Everything's gonna be cool.
- How, exactly, is everything going to be cool?
We're being held captive by a crazy bitch.
We're tied together, our dicks are smashed together,
and yours is rock hard and throbbing.
So how the fuck is everything going to be cool?
- There's a good chance that all of this
is just a dream.
I got a good feeling about this.
We're gonna wake up any minute now.
- This is no dream, Dyl.
This is a very real nightmare, that's what this is.
I think this might be a dream.
What was that noise?
- It's part of the dream, man.
You know what?
I get boners in my sleep a lot.
I bet this is a dream right now
'cause I have one right now.
Right now, I have a--
- I know, I can feel it, remember?
- Right.
So do you think you could, like, fake it?
You know, pretend to like me like that?
- Your legs asleep?
- Yeah, totally tingly.
- Yeah, mine too.
This can't be good for us.
- I know, right?
How do they expect us to get boners
if our legs are all asleep?
- Oh, I don't know, Dyl, but you've managed somehow.
- I know, right?
So maybe you can, too, right?
Maybe?
- Maybe.
You know, maybe I should have known.
There was time at Casey's house
when you were deep throating hot dogs.
And that time at Julie's
when you wouldn't play strip poker
with it just us dudes.
- I'm just nervous.
- It's okay, I guess.
Part of me, the vain part, is flattered, but this?
This is no way to find out
that your best friend is a fucking fag.
Sorry, a fucking homo, is that better?
Fine, a fucking homosexual, then.
Oh, shit, are you all fucking PC now, too?
- Look.
- Dyl, you're freaking me out, what is it?
- Some dude.
- What dude, where, what's he doing?
- Just chillin'.
- Are you sure?
You're not wearing your contacts,
and you're totally squinting.
- Yeah, some dude is just chillin'.
Right there, 'sup?
- Hey, bro, bro, what's your deal?
State your deal.
If you can hear me, do you think,
think you could help us out here?
You're sure?
Holy shit, there really is a dude.
- Told you, he was just chillin'.
- Hey, bro, are you with that chick?
- Hey there.
- Okay, look.
You gotta help us, bro.
There's this chick inside.
You're not with her, right?
I'll assume that's a no.
She took us, kidnapped us, really,
and strung us up like this.
No, no, no, no, no.
Untie us first,
then you can take whatever you want.
Really?
- Dude's gone.
Yes, Dylan.
Creepy dude is gone.
- You think I can't see
that he's no longer looming
in the fucking pool with us?
- I was just sayin'.
Hey, maybe he went to get help.
Maybe, well, he could be getting help.
- I'm sorry, Dyl,
but did that fucking freak show have a tail?
He was wearing pants,
so I couldn't get a good look.
- I don't think so.
- Was that dude covered in fur?
Was he walkin' on four legs?
Oh, my God, perhaps you're right.
Do you think he might come back
if we called him by name?
Well, shit, let's give it a shot.
Lassie!
- Lassie!
- Lassie, here boy!
- See, it's not so bad.
Lassie!
- They're fucking serious.
- Not a word about the dude.
- Unless calling to a TV dog from the 1960s
gets your dicks hard,
I suggest you stop doing that.
Wasting time, that's all you're doing.
I already told you, nobody out here but us chickens.
And Lassie was a girl, not a boy,
and she lived in the countryside,
not in the burnt-out suburbs.
- Wrong, Lassie's a weird dude.
- Hey, sh.
- What in God's name are you talking about?
- I don't know, just sayin' stuff
and odd things like that.
- Uh huh, record's winding down
and the sun's starting to set,
so you guys better get to it.
- Hey, Dyl.
When I tell you not to say anything, don't say anything.
- Got it, sorry.
It's just, what if Lassie decides to come back?
And, and what?
- Well, how we know his name's even Lassie?
- Fuck, oh my God, we don't, Dyl.
It's a fucking guess.
Are you always like this
when you're not high or drinking or both?
- I don't know, I guess so.
I'm usually high or drinking or both, yeah.
- Just get hard with me,
and she'll let us go, and no one will ever know.
- I'm not gay, you fuck.
- Neither am I, I'm just goin' along.
- How could you not have told me?
You're my best friend.
- I still am, I'm your bro.
- We were gonna be cops.
- We still can be cops, I'm just--
- Nervous, I know.
- Phase three?
- That's what she said.
So just get hard with me.
- Where is she?
- Don't know, get hard with me.
- Quiet.
Can you hear that?
- Get hard with me.
- Sounds like banging.
- I don't care, get hard with me.
- All right, fuck it.
I'm goin' in.
Let's do this.
- What do you need from me?
- Nothing, please just say nothing.
Oh, that's it, you can do it, man.
You can do it. - Shut up.
Sorry.
- Shit.
But I thought it was just us chickens.
How are my two favorite homophobes?
- Aaron?
It's Orin, it's always been Orin,
and I know that you know that.
Hey, look, it's Fancy Pants on the screen.
Fuck you, it's Orin.
- You really think this'll hold them?
- Yeah, I've tested them, they're good.
- You're one sick, twisted kid,
but I like it.
- Oh, my God.
I'm so happy you said that, so you're in.
- Yes, but you have to keep a cool head through everything.
- Of course.
- No flying off the handle like you usually do.
- Never.
- Cool, calm, collected.
- Always.
- And I'm gonna pick them up on my own.
- No, no.
- You have to stay here and lock the place down
and wait until I come back.
- No way.
I'm helping with the abduction.
What kind of brother would I be
if I left you to do that by yourself?
- Ugh, you sound like every man in my life.
What, because I'm a girl,
I can't fend for myself, you know what--
- Stop with the feminism crap, okay?
Just stop it.
You don't know these mouth breathers like I do.
They're strapping.
Plus, abduction's number seven on my bucket list.
- What's number six?
- The Grand Canyon.
- You're not coming, and they can't see you.
We have to make them at least believe
that you tried to off yourself.
- But I could hide.
- Take it or leave it.
- Okay.
Okay, okay, I'll take it.
You can be such a bully sometimes, you know that?
- Just don't be a dick.
- Won't be a dick, promise.
- You are such a dick.
- Sorry.
Damn, she's a bad slut.
- I'm gonna get this party started.
Careful, Brad.
Bravo.
It's me, it's me, it's me.
- Can't believe you.
- Just wanted to make sure you're okay.
- Feet off the dash, this is a rental.
Jesus.
- Well done, safety first.
Wouldn't want them to go cartwheeling down the highway,
now would we?
Although, although,
that would be spectacular.
But, but what a waste.
What a waste that would be,
what a fucking waste.
No, no, no, we do this now,
we do this now, we do this fucking now.
Jesus.
- Get the door. - Shh, please tell me
you're not off your meds.
- I'm on my meds.
- What did we say about loose cannons
and how you can't be one?
- I'm totally fine.
The Addies help me with my narcolepsy.
You don't know what it's like.
- Narcolepsy?
You never had narcolepsy.
- Yeah, that's like your opinion, move.
Oh, my God. - Oh, my God.
- Oh my, fuck.
Who's in charge now?
Oh, fuck.
- Let's move these piles into position.
Hey, you look like shit.
Do you want some shit?
I got some shit.
- No, I don't want some shit, I want a nap.
Now, get your skinny ass in here
and help me move these pieces.
- Fine, be that way.
- Fuck, I'm so bored.
- The time is near.
After weeks of hints and clues,
this hooded homo shall out a closeted jock
who has been masquerading about the halls
of this high school
as not only a straight star athlete,
but a gay basher, as well.
Sometimes push comes to shove,
and this hooded homo
is poised and ready to shove motherfucker
all over the internet, stand by.
Go on, do something.
I'm not a believer, but that always seems to work.
Here we go, it's happening.
Orin.
- Sure, Aaron. - Orin.
- That's right.
- Orin, whatever, so what? - That's right.
Gonna ask you again.
What the fuck do you want from us?
Yeah, just tell us what you want,
and we'll give it to you, anything you want.
Shut your fuckin' face.
Sure, why would we worry about that minor detail?
Listen, I'm serious.
I've got a guy who's really good
with the whole face-blurring thing.
So if you play your cards right,
you can keep your anonymity,
even if the study garners any recognition.
- Fuck that.
Anonymity is not an option for you at all.
In fact, you know what?
Guys, over here.
Well, this is fucking weird.
Totally, but boobs, right?
- You fucking kidding me?
You kidding me right now?
They almost saw you, they almost saw you.
I had to flash those morons my tits
for them to not see you or,
Oh, my God.
Orin, I am absolutely down to do this with you,
for you, and about you and your cause,
but you have to meet me halfway.
We must stick with the script.
Do I make myself clear?
- Yes.
- No more loose cannon shit.
Keep it up, and I pull the plug.
And I will untie them,
and we will all go out to breakfast.
- I'm so stupid.
Come here.
Look at me.
I know you're excited.
We're all excited.
But a lot's gone into this crazy and fucked up plan,
and I need you to stay focused
if we're going to see this through and done correctly.
- I know.
- Just sit tight, let me do my thing.
- Okay.
Do you think they'll sign your contract?
See, that's what I'm talking about.
You don't need to sweat that stuff.
To answer your question, yeah, I do.
I'm gonna get them to sign
exactly what I need them to sign for my thesis,
and then, you can have your sweet, sweet revenge.
- It shall be sweet.
- What do you say in the meantime,
just take it easy, you know?
Lay off the pills for a shift or two, maybe take a nap,
let me work on 'em a bit?
- Deal.
- Good deal.
You just keep cool.
Let me go to work.
Love you, mean it.
- Love you, mean it.
- Fuck your deal, bitch, this is my operation.
Just kidding, love you.
Now do my bidding, you little bitch.
I don't mean that.
Spit in my fucking mouth.
Fuck you, fuck, fuck you,
fuck everyone, fuck, fuck, fuck!
Love you.
- Son of a bitch.
This was not the plan.
This has never been the plan.
You're gonna ruin everything that we've worked for
with this stupid kid shit.
What we're doing is way bigger than this,
way more important than that.
- You just don't get it.
- Don't get it, nobody gets it.
That's the problem with you, nobody ever gets it.
Orin knows best.
Look at yourself.
Does this look like the life of somebody who knows best?
- If I show you, you'll understand.
- Show me what, show me what, Orin?
- All of me.
- So what am I supposed to understand, exactly?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Orin, you better open up
this fucking door.
You've lost your fucking mind, are you kidding me?
- You just don't get it.
Ugh, let me fuck out.
- I wanna go viral.
- Orin!
- I need to go viral.
- Un-fucking-believable.
- Who's in charge now, me, that's who.
I just can't hear this right now.
Fuck, fuck it, fuck.
It's okay, everything's okay, mm.
Going to my happy place.
Let me the fuck out.
- Show time.
Show time.
How are my two favorite homophobes?
Aaron?
- It's Orin, it's always been Orin,
and I know that you know that.
Hey, look, it's Fancy Pants on screen.
- Fuck you, it's Orin.
Oh God, stop, stop, your moment,
not theirs, your moment, your moment.
Ooh, ooh, okay.
I wanna thank you both so much
for being a part of this experience.
The last few hours have been quite educational.
Oh yes, I've been watching and on the edge of my seat
absolutely riddled with anticipation.
The results are in.
Dylan did quite well, as we all know.
Hell, by now, just about everybody knows that much.
As for you, Brad, you gave it your best.
That much was evident.
There was even a little bit of movement
down there at one point, but unfortunately,
it wasn't enough to make contact with your gay pal there.
Turns out you were wrong,
homosexuality isn't as simple as a choice.
Your failure pleases me greatly.
One, it proves what most of us already knew.
And two, it means we get to move on
to my favorite phase of all the phases, phase three.
Oh, I just love this part so much.
Oh, what the fuck?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Get the fuck off of them!
Orin!
- Fuck!
You've lost your fucking mind.
You don't wanna do this.
- Quiet, you!
Do stop that, do stop that.
Do stop that, do stop that, do stop that.
Do stop that, do stop that, do stop that,
do stop that, do stop that, do.
These damn things are so fickle.
Always falling off the runner.
So much better.
Let's do this!
Just why won't he let me ride?
He never lets me ride.
Oh, I don't think he learned how to share.
- Yeah, he was probably a fucking only child, man.
I should fuck you up.
- Oh yeah, he's definitely an only fuckin' child.
He couldn't be doing it.
So Talkie, what the fuck are we doin' here?
What are we doin'?
You know, usually, I'm able to pick up
what the fuck you're ever it is you're trying to put down,
but this time, this time, I'm a little stumped,
to be quite honest, you know?
I mean, don't get me wrong, I mean,
it's not like I don't appreciate you
comin' to us first, though,
whatever the fuck this is,
but I would just like to know before we get there,
you know, maybe, he's not even listening.
Hey, when the fuck you gonna let us
ride that thing, anyway?
- Hey, man, sharing is caring.
When are you gonna let us ride it?
- Ever? - Yeah, man.
- Talkie, when are you gonna let us ride it?
- Talkie, don't act like you can't hear me.
- Talkie. - Hey, fuck you.
Mute bitch.
- And it's never anything that--
- Sometimes it works out. - Means anything.
- Yeah, people to pay me-- - Shut the fuck up.
- You're gonna be fine.
- Talkie, Talkie. - Fuck.
- What, Talkie, what?
- What now?
- What's the big deal? - It's an empty yard.
- That's it, man,
you can do it. - Not helping.
- Sorry.
- Come on, right there, almost.
You can do it.
- Shut up!
- Faggot shit.
- Shit.
Oh, but I thought it was just us chickens.
Oh, ooh, what?
- Oh, please don't.
How are my two favorite homophobes?
- Aaron?
It's Orin, it's always been Orin,
and I know that you know that.
Hey, look, it's Fancy Pants on the screen!
Fuck you, it's Orin.
Oh, God, stop, stop, your moment, not theirs.
Your moment, your moment, ooh.
I wanna thank you both so much
for being a part of this experience.
The last few hours have been quite educational.
- Hey.
I've been watching it on the edge of my seat
absolutely riddled with anticipation.
- Talkie.
- Psst, come here.
- Give me your eye.
Hand over the eye.
Hey, how about I use the other fuckin' eye?
- Yeah, probably fly a little better.
- Yeah. - Yeah, bro shit.
Wasn't enough to make contact with your gay--
- Atta boy.
And two, it means that we get to move on
to my favorite phase, phase three.
Oh, I just love this part so much.
Oh, fuck.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Hi there.
Hello.
Go fuck yourself.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Get the fuck off of them!
- That guy, he's gonna come through that door.
- Yeah? - When he does,
bean him with that sink.
- Can do.
Quiet, you!
Do stop that, do stop that, do stop that,
do stop that, do stop that, do stop that.
These damn things are so fickle.
Always falling off the runners.
Ah, ah.
Oh, it's so much better.
Let's do this!
- Woo!
- Woo.
- That was awesome.
- All right, guys, we get it.
You're in charge, now, shut it off.
- But I don't wanna wait for it
to get over their heads, man.
That's gonna take forever.
- So what?
Where do you gotta be?
- Nowhere, I just think that electrocution
would be so much better.
- So, go find a toaster.
And also an extension cord.
- Oh, shit.
Please tell me that you guys are just fucking with us.
- What the fuck?
- There's that question again.
- What the fuck is this?
- Hey, new socks.
The homo has joined us.
It's Orin.
- What do you think would happen
if I knocked this thing in?
- Fucked if I know.
- Should I do it, Talkie?
- Please don't.
- I'm doin' it.
- Please don't.
- What, what, use your words, shit.
All right, all right, all right.
- Seriously, there's like real equipment in here.
- No, no, no, no, no.
Talkie doesn't go in for that newfangled shit.
He's old school.
- Yeah, well that just sounds horrible.
Fuck this, I'm gonna go find a toaster.
- All right, so what exactly is going on?
- This crazy fucking bitch--
- She's super nuts. - These motherfuckers--
- This crazy bitch-- - She's super nuts.
- Shut up.
Not all everybody at once.
You sound like a bunch of cluckin' hens.
Jesus, I just can't.
Now, you.
Why you hangin' there
with your dick avatared to that kid?
Avatared?
- Yeah, you know.
Like the movie, the blue one.
Your dick is like connected, like, inserted, even.
It's like they did with the tails.
You know, you're avatarted
Avatarted, get it, that's a good one.
Hey, Frank, you missed it.
I just called 'em avatarted.
Anyways, this crazy bitch--
- Shut the fuck up.
Frank?
Avatarted,
that's hilarious, Hank!
Yes, I know.
- Don't tell them about Meg.
- Maybe I will, maybe I won't.
- That sounds pretty rad.
Does it?
- Dude, the homo was holding out on us.
We got Adderall up here,
and you better believe
I'm crushin' that shit up right now.
Crushed blue dust up in here,
crushed addies, yeah.
- Fuck yes!
Hey, hey, bring that shit down here.
- Will do, Hank.
- Wait a minute.
His name is Frank, and yours is Hank?
Frank and Hank?
That's so gay.
- Oh yeah, is it?
As gay as your dick right now,
touchin' his dick, huh?
- This crazy bitch picked us up at a bar last night,
led us on, and then kidnapped us.
Kidnapped by a girl?
You guys are pussies.
- Listen, she used her van against us,
and she had tear gas and a gas mask, and--
- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
What crazy bitch?
His sister.
- Pigs in a Blanket.
It's Orin.
Is he speakin' the truth?
- Yeah, she's kinda crazy.
- And she's your sister?
- Yes.
- Yeah, see now we're gettin' somewhere.
All right, and so where is this crazy bitch now?
- I'm telling you, your guess is as good as ours.
We're just pawns in their little game.
Now, will you please turn off the spigot?
- Ooh, that's racist.
- Spigot is not racist.
And would you please just turn it off?
- Pigs in a Blanket, where is your sister right now?
- Name is Orin.
- Sweet.
Bam.
- Ooh, welly welly welly well.
- Welly welly well. - Yes, yes.
Ugh, ai ai ack.
Particulate hairs.
- Okay. - Well.
- That is-- - So, all right, fine.
- So help me understand this.
Where, where is this crazy bitch sister now?
She just, she just disappeared?
- Who disappeared?
- All right, Pigs in a Blanket's got
a crazy bitch sister.
She kidnapped these two pussies--
- A girl, what pussies.
That's what I'm sayin', they're pussies.
- Hm.
- And who made you all up to look like fag marionettes?
- She did.
Why?
- Because she's a crazy bitch, that's why.
- Fair enough.
- This shit is boring.
I'm gonna go find a toaster.
- All right, you do what you gotta do.
- She said it was for an experiment for her class.
- She said.
- Trying to prove some point
about homosexuality not being a choice or some shit.
That's hilarious.
Of course, it's a fucking choice.
- That's what I said.
But she said we had to prove it
before she'd let us go.
- She said.
- What, what?
- She said if we got hard for each other,
she'd let us go.
- That is also hilarious.
Like the day's really lookin' up.
All right, so she said she picked you two, why?
She said.
- Kid, why do you keep sayin' that?
- I don't know, 'cause that's what she said.
It's funny and stuff.
- Is it?
Friend's retarded.
- He is.
- Shut the fuck up. - Shut up.
- Merely agreeing.
- Anyway, what I was getting at
is that we might have fucked with this dude in school.
It's up for debate.
- Up for debate, fuck you, up for debate.
You fucked with me, you both fucked with me daily.
- All right, I can see that.
So how'd it go?
- How did what go?
- You know, the experiment.
- I don't know, ask him.
- Pigs in a Blanket.
It's Orin.
How'd the experiment go?
- One of them failed miserably.
The other flourished.
- Oh, good for you, brother, good for you, eh?
Way to put up a fight
Uh, you know, that's a problem these days.
I mean, the gays are fuckin'
takin' over everything, you know?
You know, there's this guy,
lives around these parts, all right,
runs around here
and he's a little funny, you know,
a little funny, know what I mean?
Huh, I mean, can you imagine that, a gay dude
walkin' around thinkin' he's in charge
of this fucked-up situation?
- Like to hear you talk that way
when he's around.
- Hey, shut the fuck up, Frank.
Hey, why don't you be fuckin' useful?
Bring me some more fuckin' drugs
and better yet, fix this fuckin' spigot.
- I'm still lookin' for a toaster.
- He actually tried.
- Wait, tried, tried what?
- Brad attempted to cross over.
- It's true, asked me to talk like a chick, even.
- Dude.
- Fuck you. - You tried to get it up
for your bro.
Oh, this is great, this is fucking great.
Frank, come down here.
Your water's gushin' now.
- Brad, Dylan.
The fuck do you want?
- I'm only gonna say this once, I'm sorry.
Fantastic for all of us.
Fancy Pants is sorry.
Well, that doesn't do any good for any of us,
now does it?
It's Orin.
And this wasn't the plan.
Yeah, well what exactly was the plan?
I'm racking my brain over here tryin' to figure it out.
- I just wanted a taste of vengeance.
Heard it was sweet.
Wanted to humiliate you two for fucking with me.
Well, feel good about yourself.
I'm absolutely and utterly humiliated at the moment.
Fuck that, I'm not, just nervous.
- Dyl, please.
- What do you think they're gonna do to us?
- I don't know, Aaron.
Your guess is as good as mine.
- It's Orin.
- Whatever.
Where's your sister?
- She's gone, she took off.
- She left?
- Yeah.
- That seems odd.
Bitch got scared.
- Dylan, shut the fuck up.
- Brad, do you think you could take those guys?
- These clowns, of course I could take 'em.
- Do you really think you could take 'em?
- Yes, if my hands weren't hog-tied to my legs
and if I wasn't suspended by a series of ropes
in an empty pool with my dick looped to my friend here,
then yeah, I could take these drug-addled bitches.
- Listen to me very carefully.
You should be able to free yourself.
- And how's that?
- That's a Chinese finger trap down there.
- Yeah.
- The secret to its release--
- Holy shit, dude, my boner's gone.
Great, Dyl, not now.
- Oh.
- If you submit to it, give in,
then it releases, and you'll be free.
- I'm so serial, it's soft now.
- Not now, please.
- Oh.
- What does that mean?
How do we submit?
- Just do exactly what I tell you.
- I fuckin' hate the sound of that.
- It's gone, really.
- You're not going to like it,
but you're going to have to trust me.
- Great, go.
- Smash your groins together with force.
- Fuck you.
- Not kidding.
The knots I have you in will release with slack.
And I knew you'd never do it on your own,
and it was going to be awesome.
And I'd let you know that the secret to your release
was always right there in front of you,
but your own homophobia
would have never afforded such a scenario
for you to do this on your own.
And it would have been awe-inspiring and meaningful
and poetic and all that shit.
But then these guys showed up,
and everything went to shit
just like everything always does in my life.
And I wanna fucking smash and obliterate everything
and all this bullshit, it's so--
- Shut up, shit.
So things got fucked, all right?
How do we fix it?
And I swear to God, if you are fucking with me, I'll--
- You'll what?
Wait for the water to rise to a level
where you might be able to float in my general direction
and nudge me as you pass by?
Just do it, smash your groins together.
- You ready?
- This better work, faggot.
- Faggot, really?
You're the one with a fucking hard-on.
- It's gone, I already told you, it's gone.
Oh wait, maybe not.
- Okay, we're mashed, now what?
- Okay, now roll your shoulders back
at the same time.
And your straps should release.
- Shit, my boner's back.
- Not now, Dyl, just roll your shoulders on three.
Oh, I hate this so much.
One, please work.
Two, fuck you, three.
- What's happening, did it work?
- Kind of, we're on our sides now.
But our arms and legs are still--
- What?
Shit, shit, shit.
What, what, what?
- Looks like I won.
- Hey, Aaron.
- It's Orin.
- We're still tied up.
- Really?
- Just really.
- Brad's dick is out, though.
- Not relevant in the least!
- Found a toaster and an extension cord.
- Great.
- Holy fuck.
- What?
- No, no, no, no, no!
- Rude.
- What the fuck are you doin'?
- Sorry, I thought it was,
thought the cord was long enough.
If I didn't throw it so far,
I think it probably would have--
- Would, would have what?
- You know, electrocute them.
- No, no we're not doin' that.
We're not, we're not doin' murder.
God, what's wrong with you?
Nothing.
I just thought that we were gonna have some fun
and fry these fuckers, man.
- Yeah, Talkie's right.
What about all the fuckin' equipment?
I mean, there's actual value shit down there.
- I thought since they were trespassing, we could just--
- Trespassing, trespassing?
We are all trespassing, all right?
And none of this shit is ours.
It's fuckin' nobody's.
We were just gonna steal the shit,
scare the fuck out of 'em, and bail, all right?
Like, that's it.
Please don't steal my sister's shit.
She'll kill me.
- Shut up you, Pigs in a Blanket.
- He's right, she's crazy.
Probably track you down and string you up
or some shit.
- Yeah well, how about you shut the fuck up, Tiny Dick?
You know, she's probably gonna break out
of that drum room upstairs any minute now
and be down here raisin' hell.
- You locked her up?
Totally, she was being such a snatch.
- Wait, what, she's here?
Upstairs, in the drum room.
- She's upstairs in the drum room.
Thought you did a sweep of the house, Frank.
- I did, I did, Hank, I did.
It's just that one of the rooms was locked, okay?
- Oh, one of the doors was locked.
Oh God, does it ever end with you?
Geez, your level of incompetence,
it continues to astound and amaze me.
- Thank you.
- It wasn't a compliment.
- Oh look, yeah, now the water's drainin' out of the pool.
- Good, good, 'cause we're not doin' murder.
- So boring, so then what?
- All right, I don't know.
- No way, no way, no way.
Not that giant pufta.
No, he gets way too much credit
for this kind of shit as it is.
- I don't know, man, he might be right.
Durant would probably know what to do with this.
- No, wait, you sayin' I don't know what to do?
- You literally just said that you didn't
and that Durant's got his, what do people call it,
you know, his fist in the pulse.
- God, finger, finger on the pulse, you fool.
Fuckin' idiot, he doesn't.
He doesn't have his finger on the pulse of anything.
He might his finger jammed up some dude's ass, huh?
Yeah, might have it like that, you know, come on.
That's funny, he does, finger, up some dude's ass.
This old girl, she's cleanin' up real nice.
Hey, this chandelier, I got this at a garage sale.
Gonna put that right here.
I like that right there, I like that.
Whoa, whoa, what the fuck?
- Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, Talkie, Talkie.
Right, right, right, yeah, yeah.
I have no idea what you're doing
or what you're saying, man, all right?
What do you want?
Can't you see we're busy right now?
We're tryin' to work on these houses.
Hey, hey, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa.
We just painted this wall.
Like I said, I'm a very busy man at the moment.
Talkie, yes, but can't you just write this out for me
on a pad or something?
Listen, Lake, can y'all give me, give me--
Mm.
- Wait, oh, shit.
You're illiterate, too.
A one-eyed mute motherfucker,
and you can't read or write, neither?
Damn, son, what the hell happened to you?
So, eh, Talkie, eh, I'm sorry.
Look, hey, look at me, man.
Don't you got an address for me, at least?
Gimme an address, right.
No, no, Talkie, I meant with a pen and paper, man.
No, fuck it.
All right, so you're illiterate,
and you can still do this whole numbers thing.
Shit's fascinating.
237, okay, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute.
You're not talkin' about my drum pad, are you?
- Whoa, what about the drum pad, boss?
- Let me try and decipher this whole cave scroll shit
that you're doin' on my wall here.
I gotcha three people here.
Are they dancing?
Are they fighting?
They're fucking?
In my drum house?
Wait, so three people are kind of fucking
in my empty swimming pool?
Well, well, oh shit, Talkie.
Please tell me no one's gettin' raped right now.
All right, yeah, I got it, I got it.
Yeah, this is interesting, for sure.
All right, it's concerning as hell.
But it's not pressing, all right?
All right, yeah Talkie,
go lookin' out, man, all right?
Listen, you're gonna be rewarded for this
if this turns out to be anything, all right?
But right now, we gotta get back to work, all right?
Talkie, gotta get back--
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You don't advance on a man unless you can back it up.
Can you back it up, Valkyrie?
- Hey, whoa, hey, chill, chill, chill, man.
What does he want?
- What the fuck, dude?
You hit him in his only good eye.
Dude, you're fucked up.
- Yeah, I'm fucked up.
Don't be pesky, all right?
Nobody likes pesky.
I told you, I'll get to this matter
when I'll get to it.
Right now, I just need you to get the fuck
out of my house.
Uh, uh, uh, Talkie, not before you fix this shit.
The wall ain't gonna paint itself.
Oh, shit.
What y'all doing, don't y'all know what that was?
- I ain't scared to death, you know, I wasn't.
- Yeah, yeah, don't nobody read here?
Yo, that was one fast-assed jet breakin' the sound barrier
was what that was.
Yeah, a huge pressure that moves in front
and behind the moving object,
and it causes a huge burst of energy.
That shit is fascinating.
It was right on time, too.
But yeah, we behind schedule,
so y'all, let's get back to work.
You too, Talks, paint that shit up.
Huh, people kinda fucking in my swimming pool.
It's interesting for sure, but it's not pressing.
Got it?
- Yeah, boss.
Gentral fa cation, we go inside--
- No, man, gentrification, all right?
It's when upscale hipsters move in
and prices everyone else out.
- So is that why we're fixin' up all these old houses?
- Exactly.
- All right.
- We're squattin' in all these shitholes
and makin' some improvements wherever we can, all right,
and then when the economy recovers,
property values in the area rise.
- Thanks to generalication.
Could we go in there, we relax--
- Gentrification, yes. - Jesus.
- We'll be the rightful owners,
and then we cash in, all right?
We're squattin' and flippin' like motherfuckers now.
We cash in later, it's all cyclical.
- It's all cycle skull
'cause he, 'cause crazy smart.
That's why he's the boss.
- Look, you ain't gotta worry about that, all right?
Just squattin', flip with me,
and you'll be just fine, trust me.
- Can do, boss.
- Boys, but I don't know what we about to see in here,
but my interested is piqued.
When was the last time y'all heard me say that?
- I don't remember.
- Exactly.
People kinda having sex in my pool?
Makes one wonder.
- Makes me kinda horny.
- Finger, finger on the pulse, you fool.
And he doesn't, he doesn't have his finger
on the pulse of anything.
He might have his finger jammed up some dude's ass, huh?
Yeah, might have it like that,
but he doesn't have his finger on the pulse of nothin'.
What, what, that was a little funny.
Finger, up some dude's ass, 'cause he's gay?
- Wrong, my finger's a-dancin' through the victorious breeze
in the crushing defeat in the wake of your punk-ass face.
- But it was just us chickens.
- What the fuck.
That is the question.
Oh, hold on.
You have got the littlest dick
I have ever seen, my man.
Hold on, hold on, now hold it.
You are just a little fella.
Know that I've got you now and forever
up in my cloud.
Hey, cover yourself up.
- Thank you.
- None of this is right.
It don't look right, and it don't feel right.
- No, no, you're right.
This is a completely fucked-up situation.
But Frank and I were handling it.
- You call this handling it?
These white boys laying on the bottom of my pool?
My man over here with his dick out.
Look like he's sunbathing for an up
and coming nudist event.
Listen, what the fuck is this noise
comin' from my house?
- Told you I heard something.
- Hey, shut the fuck up.
No one's talkin' to you.
- Who is that, what's going on?
- You motherfuckers don't know how to end shit, do you?
You got closing skill issues.
- Oh God, I think I know what that means.
- Uh, what do you think that means?
- You're gonna kill us, aren't you?
- That's hilarious.
The fag's a racist.
Fuck you!
- What did you just say?
- Yeah, no, no, before you got here,
the fruit roll-up there,
he was talkin' about black dudes
and how they like to kill people for fun.
- No, what, no I wasn't.
- Yeah, yeah, he was using the Nig word and everything.
- Yeah.
- I'm not takin' sides here, but he was.
- Bullshit, shut the fuck up.
- Shut the fuck up, Tiny Dick.
- Yeah, no, no, no.
All of this, all of this is the fruit roll-up's
some sort of revenge scheme, you know,
against the two jocks.
That and some sort of a fucked-up experiment.
- Experiment?
- Yeah, experiment, a fag experiment.
And one of 'em's a fag.
Look at him, check the boner.
He gets, wha!
- We got a closet homo on our hands?
- Shut your filthy, fuckin' mouth.
We don't use the fag word around here any more.
- Okay.
- Where's the closet homo?
I'm just nervous.
- Fuck you, Nervous.
You're a latent homosexual, you're fucking gay.
- He's right.
- You love dicks, and you lie about it.
Oh, yes Brad, ah, ah, ah, ah--
- Okay, yeah, yeah, enough, enough!
What's with this one, is he on drugs or something?
- Adderall.
- Fuckin' white boy drugs.
All right, y'all motherfuckers done fucked up
by choosing my crib to do whatever it is the fuck
y'all doin' here.
Yup.
Damn, the dicks be busy up in this bitch.
God, y'all playin some cowcocks and lesbians.
Yeah, but there's a problem.
'Cause this here is my bitch.
Bullshit, you don't own this house.
- About to, ever heard of squatter's rights?
- Yeah, and um, what's that genification?
- Listen, y'all depraved motherfuckers
are currently desecrating my drum pad.
- Drum room, what is this, what is the drum room?
- Explain it to him.
- We got a drum room upstairs.
It's soundproofed and everything.
- Really?
- Yeah, we like to relax with a drum circle
after a long day of flippin', you know.
- It's important.
Yeah.
- Hey, yo, Talkie, Talkie.
Hey, shut the shit down, will you?
What I'm getting at is this, all right?
As fucked up as all this is
with your dicks hangin' out,
all right, these Chinese finger traps,
this is just a footnote and for what we're doin', all right?
Just a tiny blip on the proverbial map.
What we're doing is gonna change this neighborhood.
Not just talk about for a day,
and not just shared with a link for a quick laugh.
You small-time bitches think too small.
So get the fuck out of my house.
What the fuck was that?
- Here she comes.
- And here who comes?
- Who the fuck are you?
- Okay, not my djembe.
Listen, of all the drums up there,
you gotta grab my djembe?
- You like this drum, do you?
- There's just cowcocks and lesbians.
- I'm not a lesbian.
- Yeah, well, whatever.
- Well, this drum's about to be
a really difficult puzzle
if you do not let my brother go.
- Oh, that's savage.
No need for savagery.
No, eh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What is this, huh?
Is this an experiment in my pool?
Hey, science fascinates me, it always has.
- These two animals have been tormenting my brother
for years with their homophobia.
- Oh, oh, oh, that's just fucked up.
I've pounded on a lot of dudes.
Yeah, he has.
- You know, I'm not gay
in the conventional sense, all right?
I'm just so hyper-masculine
that chicks just don't do it for me anymore.
- Oh, I get that, that makes sense.
- That's not a thing.
- You care for me to demonstrate?
- Maybe.
- Look, look, I beat on a lot of dudes
especially when I was ploughin' bitches.
But I never beat on a man for bein' gay, all right?
That's just weak.
- Well, aren't you motherfuckin' Teresa up there,
you tall motherfucker, sorry.
- Well, um, I'm in grad school now, so--
- No shit, where? - Yeah, AVC.
- Nice, they got a hell of a--
- Psychology program. - Psychology program.
Yeah, yeah. - Yeah.
- All right, so?
- Yeah, so my brother and I hatched a plan
to subdue this jock and his closeted friend here.
- Well, looks like you succeeded.
- Yeah, I did.
- So boring, who cares?
So she stuck our dicks in this thing
that is still on my dick
and said we had to get boners for each other,
and I got nervous and I sprouted one,
and Brad couldn't,
and now you're here and now there's water,
and I'm tired of hearing about it.
I'm just tired and hungry,
and I'm just really, who cares?
- You done?
- Been done, I passed the test,
so get me out of here.
- Hey listen, yo, don't make me come down there.
You wouldn't like it if I were to come down there.
- Might.
- My uh--
- Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. - Wait a minute, whoa.
- As I was saying, my thesis was simple enough.
Set out to prove or disprove
whether or not homosexuality was a choice
or a predisposition at birth.
- And to go viral.
- Not to go viral, it was never to go viral.
It was for my thesis and for your vengeance, sure,
but never to go fucking viral.
- It's not too late.
Anyone who wants to go viral, stand up now.
We can overpower them.
- You suck.
- All right, y'all, just let him go, all right?
He'll come back, he always does.
It's not like he's gonna be talkin' to anybody.
- You know, we might have actually gotten some good stuff.
If it wasn't for this one,
locking me up over his own ridiculous agenda.
- Hey well, you're out, now.
- I couldn't get the subjects to sign the releases.
- Releases, no, no, we can get you releases.
- Oh God, I know what that means.
He's gonna cut off their hands and sign for them,
then what, cut off mine just 'cause he can?
- Listen, your brother is an idiot.
- Yeah, I know.
It's the drugs.
I had no idea how bad it had gotten,
coupled with the trauma,
family and personal for the both of us.
I got my period when I was 12.
It was a traumatic time for me.
For Orin, too.
Tried to explain to him that, you know,
my parts are my parts and his parts are his parts,
but he had a really hard time
understanding and accepting that.
- Like, that's, that's unfortunate.
- Sorry, baby brother.
- But I won't get into that right now.
- Yeah, all right, well look.
This is how this is gonna go down.
All this stuff here, it's now mine.
- Then the drum goes down.
- Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, let me finish.
Except for what's yours, all right?
I'm assuming you got, like, a laptop
with all your important docs and such shit?
- I do.
- Okay, well, you keep that.
Your brother's shit, it's now mine.
It's probably all stolen, anyhow.
Might be.
Hey, yo, what the fuck, man?
- Woo, now I got the knife,
now, I'm in charge, motherfuckers.
Yeah, yeah, Frank, you got this!
- Thank Hank.
First of all, all this, ours.
All this shit is ours.
Even your little school laptop, you bitch.
Second of all, who wants to get cut first, huh, hm?
What about you, a little bit of the old in and out, eh?
How about you, you wanna get cut, faggot, huh?
It's what I thought, scared little bitch.
- Yeah he is, he's a bitch, you got this Frank.
- Does he?
I know I should care, but I don't.
I got no stake in anybody down here.
- Oh, yeah?
Yeah, you don't care, okay.
He don't care, Hank, he don't care, huh?
See if you care about your little boyfriend here, huh?
- Don't you touch him, you son of a bitch!
- Boyfriend, son, you're all fucked up.
- I just did the math, you got no angle, Frank.
We're fucked.
- I will smash this drum.
- I don't care.
- I do, I care more about that drum
than anybody down here.
No need to be so, oh, shit.
Oh, does that make me a terrible person?
- Yes, yes, it does.
Boss, no it doesn't.
That drum is very important to you,
so fuck them.
- No, those drums are important to all of us.
You know, just in case, I'm gonna go check
to make sure they're okay.
- Look, you carve this boy, and then what?
You got no recourse.
- He's right, Frank.
You got no resource.
- Well, I'm not really sure
what the word fuckin' recourse means,
but I'm pretty sure I got the drum recourse.
You know what, you're right, Frank.
You got the drum recourse, use it.
I plan to.
- Hey, you ever think about bad things happening
to bad people?
- Huh, what?
- Yeah, I think that's what we're about to see.
But the idea, please, be careful with my djembe.
Ow, ow, fuck!
- And there it is.
- Frank, Frank, you okay?
- Fuckin' asshole.
- I'm disfigured, the Nazi has marked me!
He's disfigured me, he's ruined me, he's--
- Hey, you believe in fate?
It's not just a scratch, fuck you,
- What? - It's just a scratch.
- No.
- Me neither,
but all of this, all of this is fortuitous
if not serendipitous.
- Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
hey, hey, hey, hey.
Like, whoa.
- You tryin' to run boy?
No, we're not nearly done with you.
What the fuck is this?
Dylan, I would fuck you before I would fuck this loser.
Dylan, I would fuck you in a box, in my socks,
in a bar, in a car, this is fucking bullshit, this is,
I just turned him into a gay celebrity.
While some may view
this method as provocative or needlessly elaborate,
I can assure you that this scenario proved to be
the most direct and effective means of drawing a conclusion
to this sensitive and ultimately controversial question.
- Fuck you, you black bastard.
No, no, no
- It's science, baby, I love it.
- Oh, fuck, oh, fuck you, fuck you.
- You lucky I'm not sadistic.
I'd be strappin' your dicks
into this urine-soaked dingletrap if I were.
You get a freshie.
- Is that right, Mandingo?
Well, if I wasn't strapped all to this shit,
I'd fuckin' Shaka Zulu this shit right up your ass, huh?
What do you think about that?
- Shut up, shut up, shut up.
- Actually, you know what? - No, no, man, come on, man.
- Dude, come on, no, no, no. - Yes.
- No, no, no, no. - Guys, yeah.
- Oh, oh God. - Oh, God.
It's really bad.
It's really bad, Hank. - Oh.
- We're just about set down here.
- Now while my initial aim
was to answer a question that is largely rhetorical,
"Is homosexuality a choice?",
I stumbled upon a new query.
- To prove or disprove that homosexuality is a choice
like you say it is.
Hit it, Talkie.
This next track here
runs about 22 minutes long.
- With both control groups,
a common result occurred.
Closeted homosexuality resulted in latent aggression
and overt violence towards others that are openly gay.
- Science, baby, I love it.
Fuck.
- Whoa, whoa, what, what, what?
Did I screw something up down here?
- We have another sprouter.
And while this is, admittedly, a limited sample,
it does beg the question of whether or not
this is worthy of further study.
Uh, what, what is that,
what is touching me, what is touching me?
Hank?
- That's little Hank.
- God no, no, get me out of here,
get me out of this right now.
Get me out, you fucker.
- Would you shut the fuck up?
I'm havin' a moment here, do you mind?
- No, there's no moment, there's not a moment.
- Now, I'd like to open the floor to any questions.
Yeah, um, you put their, um,
their genitals in what?
Shit then.
- Come on, man, Talks back there.
Check out my man Talks back there.
Yeah.
- Just feel it.
- Uh, I'm tellin' you all, man,
this house right here is gonna be a joint.
It's fine.
- Oh, this joint right here's gonna be the joint.
You know what I'm sayin'?
- You got it, you got it back, we got it.
- Yeah, you know what I'm sayin'?
You all got it.
Can do.
- I'm tired of it, man.
I don't know, I'm tired, but yeah,
you wanna make this money with us if you can.
More than you can tell.
Boy get it done, man.
You know what, we ought to start a band, too.
We could go on the road.
Cash money bag.
Givin' away, they ain't gonna owe us money after this.
- You got it, dude.