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Dozed off. Ready to rock.
- Dude...
...you were talking in your sleep.
- Son of a bitch.
That-- that's a 200-dollar tie.
Yeah, well, Ashley hates when I crease.
- So... - -Uh-huh. Well,
our presentation's at 3:00.
Well, get the team assembled.
-Let's do this. -Got it.
Hey, sweetie. What's up?
Hi, sweetie. A-- a couple things.
You didn't tell your friend that we were coming back
to your hometown for Thanksgiving, did you?
What? Baby, no. Why?
Well, we got a snail-mail invitation
from your buddy, Mitchell, if-- if you want to call it that.
Are his balls in it?
And his entire asshole.
Hmm. I'm so sorry.
You know, why don't you just go ahead
and throw that thing away?
Okay? I am not dragging you back there again.
Thank God. Once was plenty.
Honestly, it was a little traumatizing.
I don't think those people have evolved.
Yeah, well, it's 'cause they haven't.
- I know, right? - God!
I guarantee you they're still drinking,
hooking up with each other, picking fights
and talking about the glory days.
- And eating meat. - Exactly.
That's why I got the hell out of there.
Well, look at you now.
Great job. Amazing condo. And best of all...
you're dating a Sinclair.
- Yeah. Well, I'm a lucky man.
Oh, the other piece of biz, daddy called and said
we're leaving for the cabin tonight instead of Sunday.
-Fun, huh? -Um... Yeah.
That-- That's great. How cool is that?
So come home right after work, okay? Love you. Bye.
Okay, love you. Bye.
Twenty minutes. Fuck!
"Breast or thigh?"
Hey, hey, hey! Watch out!
- There you go. -Oh, hey, sorry. In a hurry.
Good to see you again, Mr. Hodges.
Have you come to a decision?
I have.
Off your recommendation, I would like the Bramfort cut
on the Priscilla setting.
-Excellent choice. -Thank you.
Nothing but the finest for the Senator's daughter.
Sorry.
She looks quite different on television.
Just a weird filter.
Man.
Set.
Go.
Do I have everyone's attention?
Question. What is more important?
What's inside the box or the box itself?
It's all about perception.
Oh, my God. Wow.
Excellent work. Let's sit down after the holidays.
Would love to, ma'am. Thank you so much.
Wow. I mean, it doesn't get any better than that.
- Uh, yes, it does.
- Senator! Senator! -Okay, okay, okay.
Your future father-in-law is on CNN.
Yes. The rumors are true.
I am running for president in the next election.
I will answer all your questions...
You're about to become a made-man.
Remember, vote Sinclair!
Senator! Senator! Senator!
Patrick, I apologize
for the quick departure,
but I thought we'd get out of town early
to avoid the initial media frenzy.
It's a great idea, sir.
You know, a lot of personalities use the same strategy
when they're thrust into the spotlight like that.
Really? Such as?
Well...
Um... I...
Uh...
Um, sir, there's been something I've been--
You want to ask my permission for Ashley's hand.
Yeah. How-- how did you know that?
Why else would you go to the Michigan Ave BC Clark
five days in a row?
Correction. Six days in a row.
I'm content with your request for Ashley's hand.
However, due to the current shift
in my political stature,
it's apparent I have my eyes on a bigger prize.
Therefore, a son-in-law who shoplifts coffee,
hops turnstiles, and steals a cab from a Supreme Court Justice
is a tremendous risk
to the future President of the United States.
Wouldn't you agree?
Yes, sir. But I did pay for the coffee, Glenn.
Don't get me wrong, Patrick.
I'm looking forward to spending the week with you.
So...
from here on out, watch your step.
Whatever you do, wherever you go,
whatever you say reflects on me,
from the tiniest blemish on your record to the...
tiniest crease on your tie.
We cool?
We cool.
-Great. Welcome to the family. -Thank you, sir.
Hey. Patrick Hodges.
What?
When?
It's so sad.
I just can't believe Mitchell's dead.
- What happened?
A car wreck.
Driving home from the local bar. It's awful.
Mitchell's the one that always sends you pictures
of his ball sack, right?
Yeah.
You know, I'd been meaning to call him back
for a long time, but--
-God, what a dick I am! -Aw. It's okay, monkey.
You know, he's been really trying to get me back
to come home for Thanksgiving.
Oh, I guess he's gonna get his wish.
You know, um...
if you want, I-- I could come with you.
But it's probably better if-- if you go alone.
Yeah, no, baby, you stay with your family.
- Yeah? -Okay? I'll...
...catch a flight in the morning...
-Okay. -...hit the funeral.
Say hi to my folks, and I will get out, okay?
- I'll be in Vail in two days.
- So super sad.
-I love you. -I love you.
Sorry for your loss, Patrick.
Thank you, sir. Thank you so much.
Ashley?
-Call me when you get there? -Yeah.
Have a good flight and just know I'm here for you.
And if I don't pick up, it's because we're on the slopes
-and I'll call you right back. -Okay.
-All right.
Bye.
"Ron-defeated"?
Like "undefeated"?
Stupid.
Patrick. Good to see you, Captain.
Hey, man.
Oh, you know, under the circumstances.
-Yeah. -You're looking good.
You too, Fat Jack.
Thanks, man.
Hard to pass up on the wings
when you're the one making 'em, you know?
Well, glad you made it.
Me too.
-Place looks great, bud. -Oh! Thanks, man.
Pretty proud of the old Badge Hole.
Got to admit, there ain't much I wouldn't give
to have your tender hands
pressed up against my taint just one more time.
You know, snap you the ball?
That feels a little inappropriate right now,
but I-- I know what you mean.
-Yeah. -Yeah, but I get it.
Mitchell would've been so happy that you came.
Guys are at the end of the bar.
Hey, Sonny D.
No handshakes today, man.
Man, I'm so sorry, it's been so long--
Shh. Don't worry about it, man.
All right.
Get your ass in my arms.
Oh, Ledbetter.
Missed the shit out of you, man.
Yeah, I miss you, too, bro. Really.
Hey, Mitchell.
- Oh!
- Got you, bitch!
-What? -You thought I was dead?
I'm not dead. I'm alive.
You should've seen your face.
Mitchell, you're so fucked up, dude!
Look, he's been crying!
-Yeah. -Aw. You've been crying?
About me? Oh, my God, I am so touched.
- Yeah, right here.
Take a bow. And while you're down there...
Get off of me! Get off of me!
Okay, okay, okay. Guys, enough, enough, enough.
All right. You guys are assholes.
Oh, come on. Get over it, man. You ghosted us for 15 years.
Last time you came back, you didn't even--
You didn't even tell us.
How else were we supposed to get you back here?
Okay. Okay. Well, I appreciate the gesture.
Guys, I really do. I'm so happy you're alive.
But I have to be in Vail right now.
Oh, Vail? Of what?
-Colorado. -Oh, come on. You just got here.
You're gonna leave? Come on. Have a drink.
I'm dead, for Christ's sake.
-No, I can't. -One beer.
-Dude, just one. -No!
And her dad, I swear to God, found out yesterday,
-he's running for president. -What?
- President. - -Oh, wow.
So you're gonna be, like, part of the royal family?
Uh, yeah, kind of, yeah.
Dude,
I can still fulfill my plan of the emancipation copulation.
-The what now? -I was gonna win the Heisman
as the first defensive lineman ever,
get invited to the White House,
tag a cheerleader in the Lincoln Bedroom.
-Mm. -Why?
'Cause Lincoln was down for my people.
- All right.
All I know is that whoever is cutting the north lawn
at the White House, doesn't know how to cut grass.
Vertical lines look like shit on TV.
Guys, also by the way, uh, he has to go get elected first.
-So this is, like-- -Yes. Yeah, guys.
-Have some respect. Jeez. -Thank you.
Listen, future, uh, first-son-in-law...
-Inauguration. Interactive DJ? -Yeah.
All y'all are riding my coattails.
Okay, all right. Guys, I think it's--
-I think it's time. -Another round.
Let's do this, baby. -No. No, no, no.
We all pitched in and got you a little gift.
Oh.
Right, what are these for?
'Cause you can't be wearing those sissy shoes you got on.
-For what? -The game.
We're finally gonna finish it.
-What game? -"What game?"
The '99 Turkey Bowl.
We're gonna play the second half.
Yeah.
Same field. Same teams. Same time. Thanksgiving Day.
Wait, this is why you brought me back out here?
-Yes. -Are you serious?
-Yes! I'm fucking serious! -Oh, my God.
It's our second chance
to finally beat Ronnie Best and the-- the Noble Knob-Jobs.
It's seven to seven at the half
before the storm of the century cursed us.
If we didn't get snowed out,
'99 would've been our year to finally win it.
And now Ronnie Best walks around this town
like he owns the place, buying up everything.
You know what I say?
I say fuck Ronnie Best and fuck those Noble douchebags.
-Yep. -Yeah, all right.
- Hey!
- Yeah!
- Hey, nice to meet you. -Whoo!
Turkey!
-Was that Nolan? -Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He, like, lives in that thing.
-Damn. -It's the whole team.
-Wow. -We're here.
We're gonna do this.
Hodges, are you in or are you out?
I-- I think that, um...
Uh, I think that, um... I-- I think, um...
It's Turkey Bowl time!
Badger red! Knock 'em dead!
Badger Red! Knock 'em dead! Badger Red! Knock 'em dead!
Siri, check all available flights
from Oklahoma City to Chicago.
Patrick Hodges?
- Jennifer Harrison? - -Dude, what?
Hey.
- Jennifer Harrison. -Oh, my God.
This is, uh-- Well, this is the ladies' room.
- Um, it is.
- Ah, you look amazing. -Thank you. You, uh...
You don't look half-bad yourself.
-This tie here-- Oh, sorry. I-- -I thought we were gonna...
- Um...
So... ...back for the big game?
Town's pretty excited.
Oh, yeah.
- Turkey Bowl!
- Whoo!
"He's so great, number eight."
-Okay. All right. -Yeah, okay, I'm sorry.
Forget it.
So how are you?
-Engaged. -Pardon?
Soon to be engaged.
Doing a girl-- A great girl.
Ashley from Chicago. And she's pretty, too.
How are you? What-- Everything good?
Yeah, I'm great. I, uh... I'm not engaged, um...
but, uh, you know...
No, I know.
-Chicago girl, huh? -Yeah, Chi Town.
I always thought--
I always thought that you'd end up getting married
and sticking around here in town.
Really?
Yeah! To Brandy Best.
Oh, here we go. Listen, nothing happened.
Jen, I've told you this a million times.
Well, I'm sure the twins will be excited
to know that you're here. If they haven't heard already.
Well, I hope to avoid them as best as I can.
- Gross. - -Oh, uh...
Well, I should, uh-- I should probably go.
-Yeah. -And, um...
maybe I'll see you around this week.
-Okay. -It's nice to see you.
- You too. See ya. - -Yeah. Okay.
Jeez.
Badger Red! Knock 'em dead!
Badger red! Knock 'em...
Oh, God.
Ow!
VaJeena Monroe sent me a text, saying
my Pitter Pat was back in town,
but I didn't believe it,
not 'til I saw it with my own eyes.
Are you up-skirting me?
What? No. No, no, no. I didn't see anything.
Bummer.
Brandy Best. Long time no see.
- What? Whoa!
Okay.
I heard you turned gay, but I didn't believe it.
Bisexual at the most, right?
Brandy-- Jeez.
My vision board is manifesting right before my eyes.
I just knew you'd come back to town for you know who
and you know what.
Okay, I have a girlfriend. Soon-to-be fiancée,
and this is harassment, okay?
Is it bad if all that makes me moist?
Most girls hate that word, but...
but I hate most girls.
Just-- This is...
-Please stop... -I just...
Just--
Get your hands off my baby sister.
Shut up, Ronnie! Goddamn it.
You're only three minutes older than me. We talked about this.
Oh, Patty Hot Jizz.
Not back in town more than five minutes,
already messing with my twin sister, huh?
Okay, she attacked me, okay? Get-- Stop.
Tell it to the judge.
- Go get in the truck.
-I'm not getting in the truck. -Now.
I can stay out here with you guys.
Get the fuck in the truck.
Get your...
Skank.
Ah!
So, Patty Cakes...
I didn't think you were man enough to come back
and finish what we started all them years ago.
Honestly, the last thing I want to do--
-Look, you can say-- -There he is. Ronnie, we agreed.
Hodges comes back, we finish the Turkey Bowl.
Or are you too scared now
that we have our first string quarterback back?
-Fuck no, I ain't scared. -Guys, do we--
Noble Knights have never lost to Butt Badgers.
And we don't plan to start now.
Well, if you have nothing to lose,
how 'bout we raise the stakes?
Oh.
I do want to up the stakes.
- Great. - -Oh.
-I hope you do. -Maybe we will.
Okay, let's raise 'em.
-Okay, let's do it then. -Okay. Fine.
-Fine. -You start.
-Great. I will. -Okay. You start, or I start?
-I'll go first. -Okay, you start.
-Oh, my God. -We win,
you stop buying up this town.
You stay on your side of the tracks
and you never come back.
Oh!
So.
What do you say?
So what's in it for us?
Name it.
The Badger Hole.
-Deal. -Wait, no--
Time to rewrite history.
Badger Red! Knock 'em dead!
-Badger red! Knock 'em dead! -Noble Knights win their fights!
Guys, guys, you can...
-Badger red! Knock 'em dead! -Noble Knights win their fights!
Guys, guys! Stop, stop, stop.
Stop. Okay. Look at yourselves.
It's embarrassing, okay?
You're almost 40 years old
and you're wearing Letterman's jackets, right?
Do you really care about a football game
from 15 years ago?
You seriously want to finish it?
You're acting like you're in high school--
Fight!
Hodges!
No, no, no!
Cops!
Shit!
Okay. Cut through the secret sidewalk,
hide out in Malone's bushes. Sneak to my rental car.
Head to the airport. Great. Whoa.
Hands where I can see 'em!
- Okay. All right. - -Turn around.
Now, slowly bend over.
- Excuse me? - -Bend over now!
Now.
Spread your cheeks.
Okay, what the hell, man?
-Fish? -Ah!
Wait, you're a cop now?
I thought I recognized that tight little ass.
Hey, man.
Graduated top of my class in the academy.
Then again, I was the only one in my class
but I love what I do. And I take my job seriously.
-You want a cold one? -Yeah, man. That'd be great.
Thanks.
So where you running off to?
Anywhere. Out of this freakin' town.
Oh.
Not sticking around for the Turkey Bowl?
Uh, no. No, I got to get out of here.
You and me both, brother. You and me both.
Kenny will pick that up.
So I heard on the wire that Ronnie Best got thrown
through the back window of the Badger Hole.
-Is that right? -Uh, yeah.
It got a little messy. But you know, he came at me
and-- Hey, you know what?
I just did what Coach McKinney always taught us.
- "Duck and drive."
Awesome. I bet that felt pretty good.
Yeah, it felt pretty good.
-Yeah. -Yeah, I believe it.
Well...
confession's two-tenths of the law,
so I'm gonna have to ask you to put the open container
on top of the vehicle there and interlock your fingers
-behind your head. -You're joking, right?
-Do not resist me! -Oh, God!
Come on, Fish.
I was just having a conversation with a friend.
Hodges, I told you. I take my job seriously.
Man, I got to get out of here.
I need to be in Vail immediately.
Hey, Fish, we're impounding
this rental from the Badger Hole.
Son of a bitch! My luggage is in that car.
Well, maybe you should've thought about that
before you started throwing people through windows.
Dude, he came at me! Ow!
Relax. Get some sleep. You'll get where you need to go,
as soon as Judge Tibbins sees you.
Sees me for what?
Arraignment.
Good morning, Patrick.
So how've you been?
Great.
-Good to see you, sir. -You as well.
- Well, you're looking good.
Looking good.
So how did this mix up happen?
Uh... You know, boys will be boys, right?
Yes, we will.
Well, it's not that big of a deal.
I'm sure we can work something out.
Thank you, Judge Tibbins. Thank you.
How's that throwing arm?
Uh, it's good.
You staying in shape up there in the Windy City?
Yeah, I guess. I run every day, so...
That's good to hear. That's real good to hear.
No disrespect, Judge. But, um,
I'm happy to pay Fat Jack for his window,
but I got to get on the next flight out of here.
See, I'm proposing to Senator Dalton Sinclair's daughter
on Thanksgiving Day in Vail, Colorado.
Whoo-hoo!
- Fancy-fancy. -Hey.
Well, why don't we just get this over with.
-Thank you. -Guilty as charged.
-Thirty days behind bars. -Wait, what? Why?
Assault. Vandalism. Public intoxication.
Open container. Resisting arrest.
No, no, no. No, that is not what happened.
Well, it says in the report that, uh, we have 20 witnesses
who saw you throw Ronnie Best through the window.
-Thanks a lot. -Sorry.
Your Honor, no offense, but this gets me 30 days?
I mean, you were my T-ball coach for Christ sake.
-Language, inmate. -I don't have 30 days.
And I cannot have a blemish on my record.
I see.
Well, how 'bout a plea bargain then?
Anything. Yes.
-Community service? -Perfect.
I'll throw on an orange jumpsuit and pick up some trash.
Oh, I have something else in mind.
You too, Judge?
Your call, quarterback.
Well...
looks like we got a game to play.
- All right! Yes! - -Whoo!
Don't try to run on me, fugitive.
'Cause if you cross the county line
with this bad boy on...
...you'll never be allowed to come back.
Sounds tempting. Oh, looks like my ride's here.
Later today, practice.
-Three o' clock. -Sounds great.
-All right. See you guys. -See you later, buddy.
Hey.
Hey, honey. Where have you been?
I-- I have left, like, a hundred messages.
I know. I'm sorry. It's just this...
crazy, crazy funeral, you know?
Really? That bad, huh?
Yeah. It was just awful.
You know, grim.
Open casket. He drowned, so he was all bloated and--
I-- I thought you said it was a car accident.
Into a ditch after a heavy rain.
It just-- It just really sucks here.
Yuck. Are you on your way back?
I-- No. No, I'm not. It's, uh, gonna be a while.
What? Why?
I-- Well, they named me executor of his will,
and Mitchell had a lotta skeletons in his closet, so...
I'm dealing with that.
How rude to make you do, like, everything.
Are-- are you getting a settlement?
No, but I'm at the courthouse now
and I'm going through some stuff, so...
I'll call you when I get more specifics, okay?
-I love you. -Leave your phone on.
-Love you. Bye. -Yeah. Bye.
- Hello, stranger.
Hey, Dad.
Hey! Look who I found.
-Patrick. Patrick. -Hey, Mom.
I am so sorry about poor Mitchell.
- Cat's out of the bag, Marlene.
Oh, I know. I know.
I just like being a part of things. It's so much fun.
- Look at you.
You...
are so handsome.
Thanks, Mom.
I made you hotdog casserole.
Tried a new recipe out with the kids at school.
They really seem to enjoy it.
Didn't agree with everyone.
I had to clean up some yak in the girls' gym.
Oh, hush, Eddie! Come on. Sit down, both of you.
-Here. -All right.
So you're gonna play in the game, huh?
Yeah, I guess so.
What's wrong, sweetie?
-Oh, I'm a vegetarian. -A what?
A vegetarian. I don't eat meat.
Ashley's family has a deep philosophy
about animal cruelty,
and I respect that.
I don't think you can kill a hotdog.
Yeah, well, your president is killing our country, so--
-All right. All right. -Oh, are we gonna go?
All right. All right. All right. All right.
No politics. No religion.
And now, let's add...
food to the no-discussion list.
But we respect your choices, Patrick. Right, Ed?
And speaking of choices, how is Ashley, that...
beautiful girl?
Yeah, she's great.
You know, FOX News been digging up dirt
on her father lately.
We'd like to see her in this neck of the woods again.
-Right, Eddie? -Sure.
Yeah. Well, last time she was here,
she got a foot fungus from the shower,
so it kind of spooked her just a little bit.
-Iodine works wonders for me. -Mm-hmm.
You seen Jen Harrison yet?
You know, I actually did. Yeah, she seems great.
She asks about you all the time.
-Wait, she does? -Mm-hmm.
Yeah, she bought her folks' old place
over on Raintree.
Living in that big place...
all alone.
I believe you're right, Ed, but our boy has a girlfriend.
Uh, fiancée.
That's wonderful.
-Mm-hmm -Well, I haven't proposed yet,
but I have plans to pop the question
Thanksgiving Day in Vail.
-Oh, you're not engaged yet? -No.
Oh.
- Oh. Mm-hmm. -That's fantastic!
I mean, that you're...
-getting hitched. -Thank you.
I got some good news myself.
My newly restored Chevy's been chosen to lead
the Grand Gobble Marshals in the parade this year.
- Go Eddie! - -Yeah.
Glad I'm here to see that.
Why don't you go upstairs and clean up, settle in,
and I'll bring you a PB and J in a few minutes?
-Thanks, Mom. -Good to see you, Son,
even if it's only for a few days against your will.
-Oh, Lord, Eddie. -What?
It's been only, what?
-Two times in 15 years? -All right.
I just don't want to lose count.
Sure you don't want a cold one?
No, man, I'm good. Thanks.
It's a beautiful day for a practice.
¶ Sometimes I ask Why I'm waiting ¶
Don't worry. Kenny'll pick that up.
Putnam has not won the Turkey Bowl since 1962.
Nineteen-sixty-two! My dad played in that game.
He was a great right tackle.
Terrible father, horrible drunk. Amazing football player.
Then we came along. And we were this close.
And everyone remembers
the snowstorm that fell upon this field 15 years ago,
a historic tradition frozen...
-in time. -And our nut sacks froze, too,
and they've been shriveled up ever since.
And that is why we have to shed the curse.
Man the fuck up. Get the frozen girly tinkle out.
And put a damn "W" where it belongs!
- Yeah! -Right?
On top of that,
we get to legally kick the shit out of Ronnie Best.
And his army of assholes on Thanksgiving Day!
Yeah!
Anybody got any questions?
-Hodges. -Quick question.
Um, it's our first day back. We're going half-speed, right?
- Hike!
Ow!
Hike!
Okay. Okay, that was not great, but it wasn't bad.
Okay, building blocks. How long we been playing?
Twenty-three minutes.
Okay. Hey, maybe we just call it, huh?
We're the Badgers! Nothing takes us down.
I'll get the defibrillator.
If we don't get our shit together,
-they're gonna kill us. -Well, I highly doubt
Noble's taking this as seriously as you guys.
- Oh, boy.
My wife is gonna shit.
My wife's gonna leave me.
I can't lose my bar. I got no skills
besides pouring beer and making wings.
Shit, man, they're always one step ahead of us.
This is so immature. I'm filing a report.
We've got a 594 in the Putnam High parking lot.
Hey, Sonny, is your, uh, crazy cousin's paint store
-open on Sundays? -No.
Perfect.
-Son of a bitch. -Sweet Lord Jesus.
-This ain't good. -We are fucked.
Man, they ain't doing nothing we ain't doing.
Ah, yes, they are. They're practicing.
I gotta roll. I'm spinning vinyl at a private party tonight.
Guys, just go. Come on.
Sonny D wants you to jump! Jump. Jump. Jump. Jump. Jump.
When I say "hey," you say "ho!"
- Hey! - -Ho!
Keep it jumping. Keep it jumping.
When I say "hey," you say "ho."
- Hey! - -Ho!
- Say "Don't be a bully." - "Don't be a bully!"
- "Don't be a jerk." -"Don't be a jerk!"
Put your hands on your knees and twerk, twerk, twerk.
You respect your parents and you ain't a pain.
Step to Sonny D, and I'm gonna make it rain.
¶ Jump, jump, jump, Jump Keep up, keep up, keep up ¶
Does anybody else think this is very inappropriate?
Ah, kids grow up so fast these days.
- Oh, my God.
Can you believe I get to be married to that?
No.
But we talk about it all the time.
-Every day. -Okay. I'm sorry,
jealous bitches.
Um, Jen.
-Dana and I... -Mm-hmm.
...we've been talking.
We're thinking of getting the squad back together.
-What? For what? -For the football game.
Football players equals cheerleaders.
Then I get to get in a cheerleading uniform
and put it on my dating profile. That's very hot to people.
You're married.
It's common-law. I bought my own ring.
I'm done with this conversation.
-Yeah, I think I'm gonna pass. -Oh, you're gonna pass?
You're gonna pass on watching Hodges
throw a football in those tight-ass pants?
Mm. Huggin' it. Smell it.
No, I'm way too busy right now.
-Oh, you're busy. She's busy. -Okay.
-Jennifer. -Jennifer.
Last week, you literally,
you threw a birthday party for your cat.
It was her 20th.
-We know. -She turned 20.
It was a milestone.
Saddest thing I've ever been to.
Fully.
This party's kind of lame, y'all.
Don't worry. The alcohol's about to kick in.
Led, there's no alcohol at this party.
I spiked the punch bowl at the adult table.
There's only one punch bowl.
Seriously?
¶ If you the party I'ma get at you ¶
¶ So, where you at? So, where you at? ¶
¶ Hey you throw a party I'ma get at you ¶
¶ So, where you at? So, where you at? ¶
¶ Hey... ¶
Oh.
I'm outtie.
I'm gonna make a phone call. Excuse me.
I remember my first beer.
Yeah, okay. Um, I'll see you soon.
Okay, bye.
Jen?
- Hey. -Hey.
-Hi. -What're you doing out here?
Oh, just hiding out.
Same as you. When you don't have kids,
you're just kind of a creepy Aunt Jen
who's always just sort of hanging around.
Yeah, or, uh, the strange Uncle Hodges, you know?
"Hey, don't sit on his knee. He likes it."
- So... ...um...
...anyway,
I just feel like we got off on the wrong foot earlier.
-Actually the wrong bathroom. -Right.
But, um, just to make things clear,
nothing ever happened with me and Brandy.
Hodges, it's okay. I don't care.
No, but seriously, nothing ever happened.
No, I know.
Yeah, I just walked in on my naked boyfriend
- and the county exhibitionist. -Okay.
But you know what? I believe you.
Okay. Great. Thank you.
And it honestly doesn't matter anyway. It was, like...
so long ago.
We're two totally different people now.
Exactly. Yes! Yes.
Anything else you need to resolve?
No. No, I'm good.
Okay. Well, I have to run. My boss needs me.
-Okay. -Okay.
But it was nice seeing you again.
Yeah. You, too.
- All cleared up.
I'll call you back, Mom.
Uh, Boss, it's hardly noticeable.
- No one's even gonna see it.
Cock-defeated!
- Get the fuck out of here!
Fuck you!
It was a good throw, though.
Hello?
Honey?
-Hey. -Did-- did you call earlier
-and hang up? - Pitter Pat.
No, no, no.
- Why would you think that? - -Pitter Pat!
Why are you whispering?
I, uh, I'm at a meditation...
-for Mitchell. -A meditation?
Uh, Mitchell was a Buddhist.
Judging from his behavior,
I don't think he was very religious, babe.
Pitter Pat.
What's that?
- What? - -Oh, Pitter Pat?
Uh, they're doing a chant.
"Pitter..."
I should join in.
Call me when you can talk.
-Love you. Bye. -O-- Okay.
Oh, shit, dang it. Man!
Son of a gun! Come on.
- Hi, Mr. Man.
-Hey, Brandy. -It's a long walk home.
You want a lift?
No, I'm good. Thank you.
I promise that I'll behave.
It's a long walk to Meadowbrook Drive.
-I think I got it. -I just...
I've been meaning to give you something.
Oh, come on.
Uh...
You hiding from your girlfriend?
-She's not my girlfriend. -Then why were you hiding?
You know what? I'm gonna walk, okay? Thank you so much.
I will always love you, Pat Hodges.
You're the only one for me!
Hey, sexy.
I'll be there in five. Bye.
-You cut grass in the winter? -All year round.
I don't have to, I just like to be out here on the field,
you know, be one with the earth.
You've had a one-man business for quite some time, man.
You ever think about, I don't know, expanding?
It was supposed to be a two-man business
-but... -Okay.
You know what I mean, right?
Get a crew of guys together, then you got nothing but time,
right? Rake in that cash, lawn boy.
Is that what you do?
You got a team of men working for you in the city?
Yeah. I mean, it's on a different level, but yeah.
-Oh, yeah? Is that right? -Yeah. Oh.
No, but I'm serious, man.
You get somebody else to do the work, then--
Then I can what? Hang out at the Badger?
Yes. Hit Lake Dirtybird whenever you want, right?
Live in paradise. Be your own boss.
Sit and stare at the big open sky?
- Exactly.
So you mean exactly what I already do every day?
Yeah.
Suit up. We got practice.
- Hey! Yeah!
I have news.
Sit.
Regarding?
Jen Harrison.
Speak.
-I spotted her with Hodges. -When?
-Birthday party. -Tabitha Dean's party?
-Yes. -She's a little bitch.
So what went down?
There was an interactive DJ. There was ice cream cake.
There was a piñata, but the kids couldn't--
Between...
Jen and Hodges. Details.
Secret meeting out behind the fence.
Was there any...
public display of affection?
There was a really sweet daddy-daughter dance.
-Everybody started tearing up-- -Between-- Um...
Jen and Hodges.
Did they hold hands or kissed?
Did he go up her shirt or anything?
It was really dark, so I couldn't tell.
Down!
Set!
Hike!
Damn it! I hate myself.
My bad.
Black 80.
I'm your primary receiver. Not brick hands.
No, Coach McKinney and I designed it.
Primary is brick hands.
Hey, my fucking hands are fine.
You catch more balls with your taint.
- See if you can catch this.
Take a bow, bitch. Come at me.
Test my gangster, motherfucker! Test my gangster.
Dude, you're supposed to throw to me. No one expects it.
Yeah, no one expects it because it's a bad play.
Black 80. You're supposed to stay here and block for me.
I have run 10,000 routes for you.
Throw me the fucking football!
This is fucking ridiculous!
Inmate!
Get back here or I will shoot you!
Do me the favor.
What the fuck, Fish?
That wasn't me.
Paintballs!
Take cover!
Mayday!
Mayday! We're taking heavy fire!
Mayday!
Fuck you, Hodges!
Come on, guys. Let's get these assholes.
I'm going home.
There's sloppy joes in the fridge, Patrick.
I don't eat meat!
Finally.
- Hi. - - Hi.
What's going on? I haven't heard from you.
I know. I'm sorry. It's just...
This place. This town, it's like a black hole.
All this bullshit went down at practice today, and...
Practice?
Hon, ar-- are you there? Did-- did you say practice?
Yeah, sure did. At the-- at the law practice.
At the lawyer's.
What a bummer of a practice.
When are you getting here?
I... ...I'm not sure.
What do you mean you're not sure?
How much more work can they make you do there?
Didn't you bury him already?
Hon, yes, but I'm the only one with any sanity around here,
so I have to keep things together.
Well, I want you here for Thanksgiving.
-So does Daddy. -I'm gonna try.
Try harder.
Okay. You know what, Mitchell is dead.
- Have some compassion, God. - - I don't get it.
You weren't even really friends with this guy,
and suddenly you're the only one that can help?
Just because you don't see somebody every day
doesn't mean they're still not your best friend.
So, now he's your best friend and not me?
- No. That is not what I meant.
-Fine. -Fine.
-Bye! -Bye.
Fuck.
Fuck! Son of a...
Fuck it.
- Woo-hoo!
-Hodges? -Forty-five, forty-six.
Jen? Wha--
-Hi. -Hey.
What's up? I'm just getting my laps in.
Also doing a little environmental resistance.
All the rage. A lot of people are doing that nowadays.
-But you still live here? -Yeah.
I bought it from my parents.
Well, how cool is that?
That's great. I'm just doing my seven-mile daily routine.
Uh, burning some cals before the big game, you know?
But, uh, how are you?
You look great. I'm great.
That's good. Listen, I'm actually on my way--
I'm not stalking you by the way.
It's not like I ran over here to--
I mean, yeah, of course I ran over here.
I'm in old P.E. clothes, sweaty and stuff, but, uh,
there's a hundred streets I could've picked in this town,
you know, and randomly I picked this one.
Fate? I don't know.
-Hodges, I really should get-- -Got to stay in shape
to beat Ronnie Best and his band of goons.
-Hodges-- -That asshole
with his billboards and his "Ron-defeated" crap
all over our town. Not to mention,
his skanky-ass twin sister popping up everywhere I look.
-I would not touch her with a-- -With a ten-foot pole?
Yes. Thank you.
Hey, Ronnie, what's up, man?
You're a cheap-shotter, Hodges.
The funny thing about twins, we feel each other's pain.
So when you hurt my little sister,
you hurt me also.
Let's roll, Jenny.
Wait. Jenny, are you guys--
-Yes. -No.
- It's-- -We're--
Kind of a gray area.
Technically, he's my boss.
This gal's the best senior vice president
- a CEO could ask for.
Ain't that right, Jen-Jen?
Thank you.
- Oh, no, thank...
you.
You just got me to the sympathy goal line.
Now I'm gonna score.
What are you talking about?
I'm talking about SVP, sneak up the middle,
drive through the hole and...
Oh, yeah.
Oh, don't stop, Daddy.
Touchdown.
When I'm fucking her tonight, I'm gonna be fucking you.
When I'm fucking her tonight, I'm gonna be thinking of you.
That's worse.
Mm.
Whatever.
Later, losing team.
Getting that heart rate up?
Yes, sir.
There's only three things I do when I'm in Noble County.
I roll my window down.
I spit.
And I roll my window back up.
I tell you what, QB...
the rivalry runs deep,
and this town...
really could use a victory.
You understand?
Yes, sir.
Don't you run too far.
- No, sir.
-Hey, Dad. -Hey, Mom made sloppy joes.
-No, I'm good. Remember? -Oh, right.
You don't like meat anymore.
No, it's not that I don't like meat.
It's that-- Damn, that smells so good.
Help yourself. I'm stuffed.
-Has Mom talked to you? -What?
Your Aunt Carol's got the gout.
Feet swell up like clown shoes,
so she and I are gonna be gone for a couple days.
Well, give her a hug for me.
-I'll try. -Okay.
It's a shame we're not gonna be here for the parade.
But we'll be back for the big game.
All right.
Hey, Dad?
Uh-huh?
What do you think of this whole Turkey Bowl thing?
Well, you haven't been around.
Putnam...
had it pretty rough.
You know, after your game was snowed out,
some people say that storm was a curse.
Yeah, I've been hearing that.
And then after the Turkey Bowl,
you remember that Noble had a better record,
and they went on to win the state championship.
For a small town, that's quite an accomplishment.
Put 'em on the map. People knew Noble.
Noble thrived and...
left Putnam in the shadows.
Eddie? I don't want to be on the road too late.
I'm coming! Hey.
No funny business around here
-while we're gone, okay? -Okay.
Patrick?
Look, I know people take this real serious around here...
but at the end of the day...
...it's just a football game.
Mm. Oh, my God.
What the...
Oh... ...God.
Jeez. Nolan, how long you been hanging up there, man?
- You all right?
I don't know. I must have...
-blacked out or something. -Oh, man.
Uh...
- Ronnie's goons.
Town rivalry, though. It's--
It's okay. It's part of the job. I'm okay.
Hey, can I get you a ride home?
Uh...
-No, I got my bike. -I'll grab your bike.
Let me get that for you, bud. There you go.
- There you go.
Thanks for getting me down.
Yeah.
You always save the day, Hodges.
Oh. Thanks, Nolan.
- Okay. All right.
That's good. All right, buddy.
Ride safe, huh?
Suit up.
Yeah, get your helmet on.
See you, dude.
Be careful of the tree there.
Yeah, careful of the-- Yeah.
Go around that.
There. Just fix your-- Yeah, see you, buddy.
- Wow.
- Oh, God.
You rang?
We got to talk.
-What's going on? -We got to talk.
-Yeah. -Now?
-Yes. -Come on. Grab your keys.
Hold on.
Wait. Sonny, what are you doing?
I don't know. My team needs me.
Okay, just use the front door, though.
-I mean-- -Can I use the window?
It's a lot more exciting this way.
Yeah, all right. That's fine. I need you to get baby formula,
though, because I have to pump and dump.
-Okay. -Wait, wait, wait.
Could you ask her if you can bring your balls too?
-What was that, Mitchell? -Nothing.
-Bye, guys. -Okay, love you, sweetie.
I love you. Be good.
-Okay. -All right.
- What are we doing here?
Okay. I can only take so much.
Tonight, I had to cut Nolan out of a tree in my front yard.
-Welcome to our world. -Why are we at Rambling Oaks?
This is the plan.
-Recruit old people? -No.
-We're getting Coach. -Oh.
Yeah, that's the first good call you've made.
Hey, guys, our QB is back.
- Let's do this. - -Wait, wait.
This place is a fortress. Cammie's meemaw lives here.
You can't sign her out unless you're family.
That's why we're sneaking him out.
Hey, Coach.
Hey.
-Is it game time yet, boys? -Yeah.
Okay, okay.
Every down is played from the ground up,
from the very soles of our feet
to the tops of our hard-hitting heads.
Every fiber of you goes into the game.
You'll leave it all on the field.
And the last thing you do...
before you take your dying breath...
is go out there and beat the living shit out of Noble.
- Yeah!
Let's go.
Every down we must play from the ground up,
from the very soles of our feet
to the tops of our hard-hitting heads.
Every down we must play from the ground up,
-from the very soles of... -All right. Well, note to self.
Next time I plan a kidnapping,
make sure the victim hasn't lost his mind.
It could be worse.
- How? - -From the very soles
of our feet...
What is that smell?
Coach made a poopy.
Butt wipes are in the glove box.
Wha--
Who's gonna watch him?
Every down we must play from the ground up...
Roshambo.
Yep.
One, two, three, shoot.
Fuck!
Every fiber of you must go into the game.
Speaking of fiber, you should change him soon, Led.
Fuck all y'all.
Every fiber of you must go into the game.
Hey, isn't that Ronnie's house?
Every fiber of you must go into the game.
Lawn job!
Yeah!
Let's get out there and beat the living shit out of Noble!
Is it game time yet?
No, Coach! Go back to bed.
Damn.
Goddamn it.
Pu-- Puh-- Put-a-nam roles--
"Put-a-nam roles"?
It says, "Putnam rules!"
Take a lap.
Around the fucking block!
Yeah, you heard him! Come on! Let's go! Let's go!
All right.
It's time to go back to the beginning. The basics.
Time to rediscover what it was about this game
that made us love it so much.
Now, we all learned how to play football on this lawn.
We would play until it got so dark we couldn't see anymore.
Or until our moms called us for dinner.
Or until Mr. Vogel chased us off.
God rest his soul.
And parked across the street every Saturday morning
like a professional scout, watching us develop
our individual skills, was a man with true spirit, true grit,
and the smartest mind in all of football.
Whoo-hoo!
Led, would you...
-Coach, get down from there. -Make me.
It was the spirit of Coach and the love of football
that brought us together.
So today, we're gonna start fresh.
Take a page out of our own past.
Dog pile!
Get him!
Okay, guys.
You know that I'm really happy that Sonny's playing
- in the Turkey Bowl... - -Maybe.
...but he's been so damn tired lately,
there's been a whole lot of foreplay
and not a lot of touchdowns.
Ooh! You know what you need?
Here you go.
Boom.
-Fresher breath? -And a fresher tulip
in your downstairs garden. Okay?
-Three speeds. -Oh. Uh-huh.
Look at it. You can put it in anything.
-You can take it anywhere. -Okay.
I once did it in a public restroom.
Oh, all right. So Mitchell's fully living
in the garage then, still?
Even when he was living in the house,
I was using this.
Wait, but what do you use for your toothbrush?
My giant dildo.
- Jen. -What?
-What are you so consumed with? -I'm just reading an article.
Oh, okay. Cool. Let me see that. Cute.
-Oh. -Read it.
Senator Sinclair's sexy, sultry daughter, Ashley.
"I'm super airbrushed and rich."
You have a lady-boner for Hodges.
Hardly.
Um, I've Googled her 1000 times. Okay?
And you are way more scrumptious.
-Fully. -Everyone needs to calm down.
-He's engaged. -So?
Yeah. He's not married yet, girl.
- Oh, shit. - -Oh, what?
- I almost forgot. - -Oh, that's right.
You're gonna poop yourself.
- Oh, my God, no. Stop it. - -I already got--
-Where did you get these? -Dana had 'em made for us!
-They're so cool! -I know.
I know. I'm gonna shove my whole body in one.
And when you say "us,"
you're not including me in that "us," right?
-Oh, yeah. -Mm-hmm.
No. I already told you guys no.
-Yes. -No.
-Jen. -No.
Oh, okay. That's fine. Okay.
I didn't want to have to do this.
-No? -But I'm gonna.
I bet you Ashley Sinclair
wasn't the captain of her cheer squad
three years running.
-Hit it. -Bloop-bloop.
Okay, the score is Putnam, seven. Noble, seven.
Twenty seconds to go in the first half.
-Watch this play. -Set!
Black 80.
Mitchell blocks.
Sonny D does a post. I hit him in the hands, and...
- he drops it.
And here's where the storm comes in.
Damn.
From out of nowhere.
Set, hut.
Holy shit, Hodges! Is that you?
Yeah, man. That's all of us.
You haven't changed.
Go, a touchdown!
We were so young.
Time flies, boys.
¶ Well the years Start coming... ¶
¶ Fed to the rules And I hit the ground running ¶
¶ Didn't make sense Not to live for fun ¶
¶ Your brain gets smart But your head gets dumb ¶
¶ So much to do So much to see... ¶
Down!
Set!
Hike!
¶ You'll never shine If you don't glow ¶
¶ Hey now, you're an all-star Get your game on, go play ¶
¶ Hey now, you're a rock star Get the show on, get paid ¶
¶ And all that glitters Is gold ¶
¶ Only shooting stars... ¶
Is it game time yet?
No, Coach. Come on!
¶ It's a cool place And they say it gets colder ¶
¶ You're bundled up now Wait till you get older ¶
¶ But the meteor men Beg to differ ¶
¶ Judging by the hole In the satellite picture ¶
¶ The ice we skate Is getting pretty thin ¶
¶ The water's getting warm So you might as well swim ¶
¶ My world's on fire How about yours? ¶
¶ That's the way I like it And I never get bored ¶
¶ Hey now, you're an all-star Get your game on, go play ¶
Selfie!
¶ Hey now, you're a rock star Get the show on, get paid ¶
¶ All that glitters is gold ¶
¶ Only shooting stars Break the mold... ¶
- Go!
Go! Go!
¶ Go for the moon... ¶
Left, right. Left, right. Left, right.
Left, right...
¶ Hey now, you're an all-star Get your game on, go play ¶
¶ Hey now, you're a rock star Get the show on, get paid ¶
¶ And all that glitters Is gold ¶
¶ Only shooting stars Break the mold ¶
¶ And all that glitters Is gold ¶
¶ Only shooting stars ¶
-¶ Break the mold ¶ -Dana.
Welcome. Well, Thursday is the big day.
Tell you what.
We got a lot to be thankful for this holiday season,
especially the Turkey Bowl.
Now, as tradition...
it's time to kick our event off by crowning
the Grand Gobble Marshals.
May I have the first name, please?
Jennifer Harrison.
What?
- Wow.
Yeah, baby!
May I have the second name, please?
Patrick Hodges!
Oh, no! How did this happen?
It's a miracle!
- Oh, God. - -You two.
Those two, those two...
- Hey, who wants candy?
I read an article about your fiancé.
-Oh. Was it a good one? -Yeah.
Yeah, I mean, it talked about the fact that she works
-with Down Syndrome kids. -She does?
Oh, right. Yeah, uh, she does. Yep.
After reading about her, I don't blame you.
I mean, she's gorgeous. Her family's powerful.
Of course, she's the one, right?
Well, yeah. She's gorgeous.
And she's funny and smart and charming.
It's everything you want, you know,
when you're looking for someone. Yeah.
How come she didn't come back with you?
For the funeral?
It's a long story.
I miss her.
That's nice.
Must feel good...
to miss someone.
Can I ask you a question?
-Yeah, of course. -Okay.
Tell me about this gray area.
Oh, yeah. I don't know. We've been on and off.
Currently off.
But I have to be honest, I've thought about it.
He treats me well.
Pays me well.
Of course, I basically built his company.
Those obnoxious billboards are actually my idea.
That was you?
-Yeah, shouldn't have said that. -Yikes.
I don't know.
Something's been holding me back.
Yeah, maybe the fact that he's an asshole.
Totally.
I do get to see another side of him.
The same way, I'm sure you see other sides of Ashley.
That's fair. Yeah.
So what's the date?
For what?
Your wedding?
Oh! Um. Yes. So...
we're not technically engaged...
yet, so there's no-- There's no date or anything yet.
So, Ronnie.
You guys are off, but you were on?
Why were you on?
Uh...
There's not a lot to choose from in a small town...
even with dating apps.
But process of elimination is never a good reason
-to settle down with someone. -No.
I guess I'm old fashioned...
but I still believe in chemistry...
being with that person that makes your heart race...
someone you'll always have a crush on.
But I better hurry up.
- Especially if I want kids.
I'm not getting any younger.
Tell me about it.
Come on.
What are you getting me into?
Man, this place brings back memories.
Sure does.
You know...
I lost my virginity right here where we're standing.
Yeah, no, I know. I was there.
-Was that you? -Oh, come on.
Oh, I'm just messing with you.
A girl never forgets her first.
Or any of them really.
Some I'd love to forget.
Yeah, sure. I got a couple of those.
So does Ashley want kids?
No.
That's too bad.
I always thought you'd make a wonderful dad.
Thanks.
Oh. Well, I guess that's our cue.
I just have one more question for you.
What's up?
Was Ashley the, uh...
captain of her high school cheer-leading squad?
No. She went to an all-girls private school...
and she hates sports.
Why?
Just curious.
- Oh, great. All right.
- No! -God!
- Oh, my God! -Oh, no!
Jesus, Ronnie, you scared the hell out of me, man.
So...
you have been staying in shape.
What the hell do you want?
Hey. Give that back. Give it back.
-Mm-hmm. -Give it to me.
Hey, uh-uh!
I wonder how your fiancé would feel
seeing you as Grand Gobble Marshal tonight...
moving in on my girl.
She's not your girl right now, Ronnie.
She's not yours, either.
And what are you doing with my sister's underwear?
Wha-- Why don't you just ask her?
You know what? And the fact that you know
that they're hers is beyond dysfunctional.
You come into my town
and think you can just sweep all the girls in my life
off their feet?
You make me sick.
Ronnie...
-why are you here? -What are you?
You don't even care about this game.
Big city hot...
shit with a famous political fiancé.
You'll be gone tomorrow night...
-Oh, my God. -...while the rest of the town
gets to pick up the pieces.
You're a good QB, Hodges.
Maybe even better than me.
Did I say that out loud?
No.
Good.
You can't win this game.
We have a better team. Always have.
Put-nam can't survive another loss to Noble.
-It's "Putnam." -Do you really want to see me
bulldoze the Badger Hole?
It'll be the final nail in the coffin for Put-nam.
A year from now,
your boys will be begging to work for my crew.
Now...
fear not.
I'm a businessman.
The only reason we're playing this game...
is 'cause you came back.
So here's what I propose.
You...
fly away.
And...
we don't play the game.
Fat Jack keeps his bar.
I'll stay on my side of the tracks.
Put-nam is spared from more humiliation
and can continue to live in Noble's shadow.
Yeah.
Well...
looks like you've got some decisions to make.
Your call, QB.
Oh...
God.
And in tracking this upcoming storm,
it looks like there could be a lot of snow
dumping on the Midwest in the next few days.
In other news...
Senator Sinclair's first skeleton
has come out of the closet
in his long race to the White House.
-Could this...
-...fascist
bar-brawling boyfriend of the Senator's daughter
destroy his campaign?
Is it game time yet?
No, Coach. Go back to bed.
Boop.
Straight legs and hold!
-There he is. -Hey, hey!
Nothing like an early morning jog
in the crisp Oklahoma air. Am I right?
Complements of my expense account.
Oh!
Yeah!
- Yeah, baby! - -Yes!
- Whoo! - -Yeah!
All right, guys. Last practice...
- Yeah. -...so let's do this!
-Fuck this. -Yeah.
Take him out.
-Who? Hodges? -Yes.
Take him where?
Take him out of the game.
Run him over. Break his arm.
-I don't care. -Okay.
Can't afford to lose this game.
It'll ruin my rep, my career...
my slogan.
Well, yeah. Just trying to say, you know,
we've all been practicing really hard, and--
Okay, fine. Fine! Fine. Fine. God!
I'll do it myself.
I mean, isn't there another way?
Your plan seems pretty mean.
You're fired.
Ronnie, you can't fire me.
I have a kid with special needs.
You'd better add hunger to that list of special needs.
- Hello! - -Hodges!
-Hey! -What's up?
Oh, man, this place looks the same.
-What's going on? -What's up, guys?
The rental car company tried to ship it
to its rightful owner, but I intercepted it.
Oh, shit! Thank you, dude.
Boys, it's time for our night-before tradition.
-Yeah! -Buddy...
-it's good to have you back. -Thanks, buddy. You know what?
-It's good to be back. -Oh, it's good to be back?
- Yeah, yeah!
Hodges, your parents still out of town?
Yeah, why?
Shit.
Okay. You want to see mean?
I'll show you mean.
Taste the heat.
No. Oh! Oh, shit!
Oh, shit.
It wasn't me. It wasn't me.
Oh!
- Damn it.
Shit.
Noble Knights win their fights.
Let's go Badgers!
- Yeah! -I got it right this time!
You did.
- Oh. Wow. -What time do you guys
want to be there tomorrow?
Uh, that depends.
-On what? -On how hungover we are.
Why?
- Because there's a pep rally... - -At Hodges' house!
¶ I've never had To knock on wood ¶
¶ But I know someone... ¶
Guys, just be cool in the house, okay? Careful. Jesus.
Hey, Coach, how you doing?
Everything good? Hi. Good to see you.
All right. Well, holler if you need anything, okay?
- Shotgun! -Hey, wait, wait, wait, guys.
Can you please...
do that outside?
Hey, where you going?
-Where you going? -I'm gonna sing.
God damn it, Ronnie.
Same blood, different body.
Oh, shit, Brandy. Come on.
I am so jealous.
Looks like you got some decisions to make.
Brandy, take that off.
Okay.
No-- no-- I meant the ring.
You can't just get naked without my consent.
It's like a-- That's like a thing.
Can you just give me the ring, please?
Well, you gonna have to come get it.
Oh, God.
Stop undressing me with your eyes.
Eighty-eight?
I mean, I couldn't wear just one.
That would be trashy.
Damn it. Brandy, just give me the-- Shit.
I have waited for this moment...
-Just-- -...for years.
- It's stuck. I can't...
- ...pull it. - -Harder.
- Ow! -Harder.
- Just-- -Take me you dirty bird, you!
- Shit.
Just stay still and relax. I'll do it myself!
- Hodges?
-Oh, my God. -Woah!
- Hey, Jen.
You ever heard of knocking, bitch?
This is not what you think it is.
-Yes, it is. -It's okay. I don't care.
-It's okay. She doesn't care. -No--
I just came by to say have a good game tomorrow.
-Thank you, Jen. -No, no, no, get off.
- No, no... - -Jen.
...Pitter Pat.
Jen. Wait. Jen, wait!
Whatever. It's okay. I don't care.
No. I can explain.
Nothing happened. I swear to God.
Right. Yeah.
Just like Lake Dirtybird.
Whatever. It-- I don't even know why I'm upset.
We're not even-- It doesn't matter.
Look, it does matter...
'cause...
goddamn it, this town...
...just fucking brings out the worst in me.
What am I even doing? I should be in a cabin in Vail
sipping hot toddies with my fiancé
and the future president, but no, uh. Here I am,
running around like I'm fucking bonkers.
Ashley is not here with me
because, well, one, she hates it here,
and I don't blame her.
And two, because I lied to her about Mitchell's death.
I did. She has no idea
that I threw Ronnie through a window,
got arrested. And for my sentence,
I am stuck here finishing the '99 Turkey Bowl
with a bunch of fat drunks. And the worst part,
I'm upstairs rolling around with escort Barbie,
chasing my ex-high school girlfriend
across my parents' lawn,
trying to explain to her that I'm not cheating on her
because I may still kind of be in love with her.
Aww.
-I called that, babe. -You did, babe.
-I called it. -You did good.
Oh, my God!
See, this is exactly why I've been avoiding
this place for the last 15 years.
It's fucking high school all over again.
You just left...
without even saying goodbye.
I called you, like, a hundred times.
Well, we were fighting.
You didn't-- You didn't answer.
Well, just 'cause I wasn't talking to you
didn't mean that it was over between us.
How was I supposed to know that?
No, you don't just leave the ones you love.
Well, hey, now-- now you're doing it.
-Have a good game, Hodges. -Well, wha--
Jen, hey. Come on, we could...
Fuck.
Glenn.
No, no, no. Hey, this is totally out of context, okay?
Glenn, you don't understand, man.
Are you coming back to bed, Hodges?
Fuck! Wait, wait, wait!
Hey! Fuck! Just--
-Hey, dude? -What?
There's some people here to see you.
Who the fuck is it now?
Your fucking parents.
Mom. Dad. Hey.
Back early, huh? How was the...
-gout? -Judge Tibbins called.
He thought you and the boys
might be resting for the big game,
and I specifically asked for no funny business.
Yeah. No, just a couple of close friends hanging.
- Heads up! -Hey.
I'm disappointed in you, Son.
This is no way for a...
Grand Gobble Marshal to behave.
Please ask your friends to leave.
Call me later, alligator.
I want you to go to your room, Patrick Hodges.
Think about what you've done.
You are grounded.
-What? -You heard your mother.
Oh, come on! God, this is so stupid.
Son of a bitch!
What the fuck am I doing here?
Ah, damn it, Fish?
Hey, man.
I had a feeling you might bail...
again.
Look, bro, you're the one that brought me back here, okay?
I didn't want to come.
-Couldn't you get the hint? -Yeah, I got the hint.
I chose to ignore it.
When'd you start thinking you were better than us?
Jen was right. You-- you just left.
No goodbye. No nothing.
Well, I don't know, okay? I--
Maybe it's just too much pressure...
or something. I don't know. Maybe...
I just didn't want to be that guy.
-What guy? -That loser QB
who-- who stays in his hometown,
you know, always talks about the game that almost was,
you know, gets a beer belly, never amounts to anything.
I just didn't want to be like...
Like me?
Look, I might not be a made-man.
I might not be rich and have a fancy job, but I like my life.
Do you know why I put this whole thing together?
The game doesn't matter.
I just wanted to hang out with you.
I wanted you to throw me the ball again.
I fucking missed you.
-Come on, man. I missed you too. -No, you didn't.
What happened to us? We used to be inseparable.
Then you just left.
You didn't call. You didn't write.
You didn't make any effort at all.
I know you're not my girlfriend, but...
you fucking broke my heart.
You were gonna get married,
and you weren't even gonna tell me.
What's wrong with you?
What's wrong with me? You're not even my friend.
I had to fake my death for you to come back.
You know what? Just--
It was a joke, but act like it was real.
Consider me dead. Have a nice life.
- Mitchell, come on. - -Fuck off.
Is it game time yet?
Yes, Coach.
It's game time.
Hey, it's Ashley. Just do your thing at the beep.
Hey, babe. Uh, left you a couple voicemails,
and you know, no one's picking up on the cabin phone,
but, um...
I'm heading out to see you.
Yay!
I don't know if you talked to Glenn,
but, uh-- Hey, call me if you get this, okay?
All right.
I'd rather be dead than red!
Oh, God. What are we gonna do?
- Honestly, I don't...
...than red! I'd rather be dead than red!
Shit, what are we gonna...
...than red! I'd rather be dead than red!
- Let's do this, boys! -You shut your damn--
-Shut the-- -Guys! Everybody calm down!
We can't win this without Hodges.
-Fuckin' A, we can! -W-- what are we gonna do?
I'll play QB. We'll stick to the run.
No passing. We can do it.
I can't believe this, after everything we did
to get him back here and make him feel welcome.
Guys, we have a game to play.
Any minute Coach will show up,
he'll give us his famous speech, and everything will be fine.
Coach is missing.
Goddamn it!
Did you check the field?
Stadium, stat. Let's go.
Get in the van!
Come on.
Hope Coach wasn't around here.
No human remains. So, uh, we're good.
Sorry. We, uh, did all we could, boys.
Do you know what caused it?
It's more like "who caused it". We're looking for leads.
I think your leads just got here.
Well, well, well.
Oh, my God.
That's so much damage.
- You motherfucker! - -Hey!
What the hell is going on here?
Ronnie Best burned down the field!
Bullshit. Did not.
Yes, you did, and you know it!
- Prove it.
Oh, yeah, I'm gonna prove it!
Just settle down.
Yes, this is a tragedy.
However, we've got some decisions to make.
I want a word with the team captains.
Hodges, Best, step up.
Hodges left. I'm captain now.
-Hodges left? -Yeah.
That's disappointing.
Hodges skipped town, huh?
What a surprise.
So no equipment, no stadium,
-no quarterback? -No coach.
Looks like the writing's on the wall.
Put-nam High is gonna have to forfeit.
It's Putnam.
Noble High wins!
Yeah!
-Does Putnam High forfeit? -Hell no, we don't!
-Hell no! -Okay.
There's no equipment for Putnam High.
We'll play without pads.
Yeah!
Will Noble High play without equipment?
- Hell yeah, we will! - -Fuck yeah!
-Yeah! -Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. It looks like, uh, Connie Best here,
looks like she's backing down.
- Huh? Ooh. Ooh. - -Aww.
Fuck, no, I'm not backing down. Let's go.
-Yeah! -Yeah!
All right. All right. All right.
Now all we need is a home field.
Right.
-Hello, Mrs. Vogel. -Hello, Mitchell.
Did I forget to pay you this month?
No, ma'am, I was just wondering
if we could play a football game on your lawn.
-Of course. I don't mind. -Okay.
Well, there's just a few more people than usual.
Oh? How many more people are we talking about here?
Uh...
I see.
Well, just watch the plants.
Okay.
Thank you.
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
Yes.
¶ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ¶
¶ All I can say is that my life Is pretty plain ¶
¶ I like watching the puddles Gather rain ¶
¶ And all I can do Is just pour some tea for two ¶
¶ And speak my point of view But it's not sane ¶
¶ It's not sane... ¶
Noble Knights win their fights!
All right, I want a good, clean, hard-hitting game of football.
Judge Walters from Noble is our guest official.
Let's make him welcome.
Yeah. Yeah!
Now, we'll start the game from where it ended,
at the top of the third quarter.
Seven to seven...
-Yeah. -...Putnam has possession
- on Noble's 30-yard line.
The word is there's a storm
headed this way, so let's get this thing started.
First down.
Let's go. We got this. Cover two, you flank wide.
You-- Wait, didn't I fire you?
All right, boys, here we go.
-We only got ten guys. -Damn it, Jack, not now.
We need to show these bitches
who we are right out of the gate.
Twenty-seven quick pitch to Sonny D.
Line, block. Sonny, run like a motherfucker.
-You got it. -On two. On two.
- Ready! - -Break!
Woof, woof-woof, woof, woof.
- Yeah. Yeah. - -Down!
- Set!
Blue 22.
- Number two. -Blue 22.
Blue 22.
Hut!
Hike!
Oh-oh!
Ron-defeated! Whoo!
Hell no, Ronnie! I'm gonna beat your ass!
-No, no, no. -I swear to God!
That hurt.
Come on. Come on.
Now, that's what I'm talking about.
Line it up, boys. Let's do this all day.
Okay, guys. We learned something there.
That we're gonna get our asses kicked?
No. That we need to pass the ball.
How? We don't have Hodges.
I'll get you the ball. Just get open.
Anyone. Anyone get open.
Come on, guys. It's been one fucking play.
The universe is giving us a chance
to finish the game we never did.
We're playing the Turkey Bowl again. Be thankful for that.
Stop acting like we're cursed. Come on. Let's do this.
Let's do this.
Cherokee, Sonny, just go long.
On one? Yeah?
Okay. Ready?
- Whatever. - -Break.
- Down! - -Let's go!
Set!
Blitzkrieg turkey bacon on three. Turkey bacon!
Hut!
Go. Go. Come on, cover me. Go. Go.
- Yeah!
Thanks a lot, Hodges.
Yeah, that's what I'm talking about, boys.
- Boo! - -No way!
- Set! - -Yo, watch
- the spread! Watch the spread! - -Hike!
Cover. Cover outside.
Hut.
Set. Hut!
Hut.
Whoo!
- Yeah! - -Hike!
Hike!
Hut!
Okay, guys, 21-7.
Fourth quarter. How's everybody doing?
Pupils are dilated. Super dizzy.
They're like 20 dudes deep on the bench, man.
My knee hurts.
My back hurts.
My feelings hurt.
Will you guys stop complaining? I'm sick of motivating you.
I'm out of speeches.
I'm tired, too.
Who wants a hotdog?
Okay.
Fourth quarter! Putnam has possession.
How are we gonna pull this one off?
-Hodges. -Fuck that guy.
No. Look.
What are you doing here?
-Did your flight get cancelled? -Nope.
I brought you guys something I thought you could use.
It's game time, boys!
Ledbetter, Fat Jack, Sonny D. Wing T formation.
Waggle offense. Get out there!
Yeah!
Found him wandering down 77.
Thanks.
Hey, uh. Well, I know I'm not your girlfriend,
but I'm sorry for breaking your heart,
and I hope to be your friend again.
Help us win this game, I'll think about it.
Let's go, Putnam.
Oh, no. Uh-uh! Uh-uh.
He's late. He can't play.
There's nothing in the rulebook about tardiness.
Let's play football.
-All right, let's fucking do it. -Hey, hold up.
Let me put this where it belongs.
Hey, hey, hey.
What?
Not too smart for a city boy.
Now let's play some football!
Yeah!
Go, Hodges!
All right, gentlemen.
Fourth quarter, down by 14, backs against the wall.
Deja vu, right?
All right, we got one option and one option only. To win.
Let's do this for the Badger Hole.
Let's do this for our town.
All right, they're gonna be blitzing.
Six-two fire on one. Ready.
Break.
Let's go Badgers! Let's go!
Let's go Badgers!
Down!
Set!
Hike!
Down! Set! Hike!
- Yeah!
Yeah!
- Yeah!
Down. Set. Hut!
Whoo!
Set. Hut!
Oh, my God!
- Fuck you, man! Fuck you!
Ref, you're fucking blind!
Set. Hut.
Oh!
All right. Going for two.
You sure you don't want to kick it and tie the game?
No. We didn't come all this way to play it safe.
Nothing but victory. Peeky bowl on two.
- Ready. - -Break.
Down.
Set. Hike!
Yeah! I'm Ron-defeated!
Oh, shit.
That's what I'm talking about, baby.
Nickelback on two. Ready. Break.
All right, guys. Let's go.
Ain't over 'till it's over, huh? Let's do this.
Boss, shouldn't we just take a knee?
And run the clock out? Fuck no.
We put the nail in the coffin.
I want more points on the board. Get the fuck out of my face.
Down.
Set. Hut, hut!
- Yeah! - -Go! Go! Go!
- Yeah! Yeah! - -Go!
Yeah!
Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
All right. Ninety-one yards to go.
Three seconds on the clock.
-You guys with me? -Yeah.
-Yeah.
-Let's do this.
Your call, QB.
-Let's go Badgers! Let's go! -Let's go Badgers! Let's go!
Black 80.
Hell, yeah.
I can catch it this time, guys. I can feel it.
- All right. On one. Ready! - -Break!
Don't block for me. Get open.
-Badger red, knock 'em dead! -Noble Knights win their fights!
Badger red, knock 'em dead!
-Noble Knights... -...knock 'em dead!
Down!
Set!
Hike!
Oh, shit!
No!
Oh, shit. No.
- Yeah!
- Whoo! Yeah! - -No! No! No!
Hodges?
Hey. Oh. Uh... I just, uh, played...
a football game. Did you get my messages?
I know everything.
Everything?
I met the town slut,
and she's wearing my ring.
You have a crush on the plain-looking cheerleader,
and your dead best friend over there
just made the winning catch.
Oh, right.
-Sorry. -So...
you and I are gonna get on my daddy's plane.
We're gonna go back to Chicago and fix all of this nonsense.
Let's go.
Um...
What are you doing? Come on.
I can't.
What do you mean, you can't? Let's go home.
I am home.
Do you have a concussion?
Ashley...
I'm sorry.
After-- after all this, I'm-- I'm giving you a second chance,
and you're giving up the most amazing lifestyle
in the world for-- for...
this?
It smells like a fucking zoo.
Goodbye, Ashley.
Oh, my God.
This is really happening.
- I'm sorry. - -Oh, my God. Daddy?
All-- All right. All right, now.
Enough of this nonsense.
-Come on. -Okay. Have a nice life in...
-Oklahoma! -I will.
And just for the record... I broke up with you.
Good work, number eight.
Oh! I was so excited, I think I almost peed myself.
- Thanks, Mom. -Well, I think that was
probably one of the most exciting things I ever seen.
Well, remember, Dad, at the end of the day,
it's just a football game.
- Hmm. - Hmm.
Oh, well, uh..
we're gonna let you two patch things up.
Come on, Marlene.
Great game, Pitter Pat.
See, here's the thing.
I just don't think this is gonna work between us.
It's just that now that you're single,
there's just no spark.
Mm-hmm.
Thank you so much.
My vision board did manifest, and it was right all along.
You know what and you know who...
is waiting for you right over there.
After a while, crocodile.
Hey, Hodges, turkey dinner at Fat Jack's.
Let's go, Grand Gobble Marshal.
Y'all should be ashamed of yourselves.
I'm embarrassed. I'm embarrassed.
We're sick of your shit. We quit!
Oh, give me a...
Don't walk away from me.
-Get back here... -Hey, Ronnie.
...when I'm talking to you!
Kenny, this him?
I think you know why we're here.
Halt, inmate!
Dang it, Ronnie. Get back here...
Good game. Good game.
Hey.
Did you just throw a diamond ring into the street?
It's okay. Kenny'll pick it up.
You know, there's a hundred streets
in this town I could've picked, and I...
randomly chose this one.
Fate?
Who knows?
I finally realized...
the one reason I've been avoiding this place...
is the one reason I'm gonna stay.
What's that?
We better keep this between the two of us.
Why is that?
'Cause I don't want Brandy Best to find out you're not single.
¶ Doo-doo-doo doo-doo-doo-doo ¶
¶ I'm packed and I'm holding I'm smiling, she's living ¶
¶ She's golden She lives for me ¶
¶ Says she lives for me Ovation her own motivation ¶
¶ She comes round And she goes down on me ¶
¶ And I make her smile Like a drug for you ¶
¶ Do ever what you want To do coming over you ¶
¶ Keep on smiling What we go through ¶
¶ One stop to the rhythm That divides you ¶
¶ And I speak to you Like the chorus to the verse ¶
¶ Chop another line Like a coda with a curse ¶
¶ Come on like a freak show Takes the stage ¶
¶ We give them The game we play she say ¶
¶ I want something else To get me through this ¶
¶ Semi-charmed Kind of life baby baby ¶
¶ I want something else ¶
¶ I'm not listening When you say ¶
¶ Good-bye ¶
¶ Doo-doo-doo doo-doo-doo-doo ¶
Is it hot, sweaty and moist in there?
You tell me, muffin top.
Get in.
¶ Doo-doo-doo doo-doo-doo-doo ¶
¶ Doo-doo-doo doo-doo-doo-doo Doo-doo-doo doo-doo-doo-doo ¶
¶ The sky was gold It was rose ¶
¶ I was taking sips Up into my nose ¶
¶ And I wish I could Get back there some place ¶
¶ Back there smiling in The pictures you would take ¶
¶ Doing crystal meth will Lift you up until you break ¶
¶ It won't stop I won't come down ¶
¶ I keep stock With a tick-tock rhythm ¶
¶ A bump for the drop And then I bumped up ¶
¶ I took the hit That I was given ¶
¶ Then I bumped again ¶
¶ Then I bumped again I said ¶
¶ How do I get back there To the place where ¶
¶ I fell asleep inside you ¶
¶ How do I get myself back to The place where you said ¶
¶ I want something else To get me through this ¶
¶ Semi-charmed kind of life Baby, baby ¶
¶ I want something else ¶
¶ I'm not listening When you say ¶
¶ Goodbye ¶
¶ I believe in the sand Beneath my toes ¶
¶ The beach gives a feeling An earthy feeling ¶
¶ I believe in the faith That grows ¶
¶ And the four right chords Can make me cry ¶
¶ When I'm with you I feel like I could die ¶
¶ And that would be all right All right ¶
¶ And when the plane came in She said she was crashing ¶
¶ The velvet it rips In the city ¶
¶ We tripped on the urge To feel alive ¶
¶ But now I'm struggling to survive ¶
¶ Those days you were wearing That velvet dress ¶
¶ You're the priestess I must confess ¶
¶ Those little red panties They pass the test ¶
¶ So slide up 'round the belly Face down on the mattress one ¶
¶ And you hold me And we are broken ¶
¶ Still it's all that I Want to do just a little now ¶
¶ I feel myself Hovering off the ground ¶
¶ I'm scared I'm not coming down ¶
¶ No, no And I won't run for my life ¶
¶ She's got her jaws now Locked down in a smile ¶
¶ But nothing is all right All right ¶
¶ And I want something else ¶
¶ To get me through this Life, baby ¶
¶ I want something else Not listening when you say ¶
¶ Goodbye ¶
¶ Doo-doo-doo doo-doo-doo-doo ¶
¶ The sky was gold it was rose ¶
¶ I was taking sips Up into my nose ¶
¶ And I wish I could get Back there ¶
¶ Some place back there ¶
¶ In the place We used to start our lives ¶
¶ Doo-doo-doo doo-doo-doo-doo ¶
¶ I want something else ¶
¶ Doo-doo-doo doo-doo-doo-doo ¶
¶ I want something else ¶