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♪ Just as clear as the spots on the sun ♪
♪ We are wired to be one ♪
♪ And my heart... ♪
- Yeah?
- Hey, did you get my text?
- Uh, I did.
Essentials, is that okay?
Anything's fine.
- Okay, perfect. - Actually, no. Get, um...
Promise Ultra. Promise Ultra.
- Uh...
Okay.
You know, they say it's normal,
But I've had some crap come out of my vag'.
That's some real sci-fi shit.
- Are you trying to get me aroused? Because if you are, erection accomplished.
- Hmm... sexy.
- How is he? - Almost out.
Dear Jesus, let him be out.
Oh, hang on. - Yeah, yeah.
Oh... what did she say?
Purpose... promise!
- Ken? - Yeah.
- That was your mom.
It's your dad.
- Why would my mom be...
Okay, Mom. Alright, me too.
Bye.
- Did she say what happened?
- Yeah, he has a... aneurysm.
- Ah! - Oh, sorry.
Boobs.
- Do aneurysms hurt?
- I have no idea.
- You didn't pump?
- I fell asleep with the milker in my hand like some narcoleptic cow.
- That was my band's name in high school.
The Narcoleptic Cows.
- I know you didn't talk much.
- Or ever.
You think I should go?
- To your dad's funeral?
Your... your dad's funeral.
- I know, but I mean, it's a last-minute plane ticket and--
- Who gives a fuck? It's your dad! It's your dad's funeral!
Yeah, you have to go! What are you, dead inside?!
- Oh, hey, hey, hey...
It's alright.
- It's these fucking hormones.
Is your mom gonna go? - Um...
I don't know. She doesn't really go anywhere.
- Promise me we'll never get divorced!
- It's a big ask, sweetie. - Promise me and when I die,
you fucking make our son go to my funeral, even if I was the worst mom in the world!
- There are a lot of assumptions there.
- Ken, you listen to me, man!
I'm still as big as the house, and my boobs feel like cement and--
- Whoa, okay, okay, I promise. We'll go.
I'll bring my hot new girlfriend and... you know... what's his name, in the crib?
We really have to name him!
Are we like the worst parents ever?
- Maybe top ten.
- Hey... - Mm?
- Did you get diapers?
- Did you ask me to get...
What are you doing?
- I don't know. It's been a while and...
I thought maybe this could, uh...
...cheer you up.
- Oh...
Are you sure?
- There...
- Oh... a little cold.
- Ow, no! - Sorry. I forgot.
- God, I...
...love your dick.
- Maybe we could, uh... try something a little more fun.
And time.
- Wait, oh...
- Would you please get that, babe? I have to go swap out my pad.
Yeah, on it.
Okay, coming, you little... cock-blocker.
- Ken?!
Listen, about that, um...
Ah, there's the little one!
Right where the corporate screen saver should be, huh?
- Yeah, I realized I didn't have any pictures on my desk, so...
- Ah, well, at least, it's not a YouTube video of the actual birth, am I right?
I guess.
- God, you know, I remember our first...
Up every 15 minutes, couldn't get any sleep,
the wife and I are at each other's throats...
- Yeah, I know what you're saying.
Sometimes, I just... wanna hop in the car
and drive till my whole life is just a memory fading in the rearview.
- What the hell is wrong with you?
Ken, this is a... family company.
- Right, no, I just thought we were... uh...
Speaking of families, would it be okay if I took a couple of personal days?
I have a funeral. - Oh...
I'm sorry, who? - Uh, my dad.
- Bring it in here. Come on. - What?
- Come here. Come on! - Okay...
Okay.
- What happened? - Um... it's an aneurysm.
Those are awful.
- Yeah, I've heard they're-- - So when do you think you'll be back?
- Um... I can probably be back by Monday?
- Oh, well, at least, you're not gonna miss the wine and liquor convention, right?
God, doesn't it seem like we just had WIZDIC the other day?
Hey, listen, how's that PowerPoint coming?
- Good, good, good. I thought I'd just finish it on the plane.
- No, no, no. You are going to grieve on the plane.
- Right. - Of course, we do need it, so...
- Yeah. Do we need it, though? Just...
because, I feel like I... I do one every year.
And it seems like the client never actually looks at it.
- And the one time you leave your house
without your spare tire... - Is the time you get a flat.
- Alright.
- So look, do we send flowers
or is there some kind of aneurysm fun run?
- The flowers works.
I'll see you in two whole days.
- Hey, and I sent you that list of names, just so you have it.
- Alright. - Oh, my God!
You're finally throwing him out!?
- He's just going on a trip and I'm seeing him off 1950's housewife style.
- Well, when the husband's away...
What time should I come over? - Any time is a good time.
- Okay... - You better hurry home, Daddy.
- Alright, try to get some sleep on the plane.
I should go.
- Okay. - Love you.
- Um, hello!
Dad?
It's fine. He's not yours anyway! So...
- Hi, are you here for Ken?
♪ A darker gray is breaking through a lighter one ♪
♪ A thousand sharpened elbows in the underground ♪
♪ That hollowed hurried sound of feet on polished floor ♪
♪ And in the dollar store ♪
♪ The clerk is closing up ♪
♪ And counting loonies trying not to say ♪
♪ I hate Winnipeg ♪
- Are you sure you're doing okay?
- Yes, you don't have to ask me that anymore.
It's not like you can miss something that was never there in the first place.
- Don't start. - I'm not starting.
- I did the best I could. - I wasn't talking about you.
- I worked incredibly hard to give you a good, normal home. Don't be so sensitive.
- I'm not being sensitive.
- You're being defensive.
So, how are the bar plans going?
- Gastropub, watch out.
Uh... kind of on hold. I had a space picked out,
but money's a little tight since the baby came.
- It's a shame your father never got to meet his grandson.
Dare I hope there's a name?
- Working on it. - For the love of God!
- Okay, look, it's not like you come to visit anyway.
- Maybe if I were invited. - I shouldn't...
How about next month?
- Next month? It's our busiest time.
- Ah... busiest time in office management?
- Ah, it's pre-pre tax planning season.
Plus we have two birthdays and a retirement.
Can't imagine the mess I'd come back to.
- Can't imagine.
- Oh!
Wow, my ex-husband is dead.
Guess it's my turn next.
- That's a happy thought.
Are you still... seeing that guy with the thing?
What's his name? Oscar.
- Oscar? No, he and his wife moved to Florida.
- Huh... - I'm joking.
He had a stroke. Everyone's dying.
- I think it might be... - Motherfucker!
So, where's the service?
Or should I guess?
- Welcome to Niakwa Golf and Country.
Would you like to sign the condolence book?
- Oh, uh... sure.
Who gets this after?
- Uh...
It condoles the family. Are you related?
- I am, yeah. I'm his son. - Dude.
- Oh, thanks. It's always nice to... hear...
- Someone wanted to talk to you.
Mr. Kendall?
- I'm guessing you're Ken? Andy's son, hi.
Vince Kendall, your dad's attorney and part of his Friday foursome.
- I guess not anymore, though.
I don't know why I said that.
- Your dad always told me about your great sense of humour.
- Oh, he did?
- Hey! Why don't we go talk in the Hazelton room?
Yeah, the Hazelton room, named after Vic Hazelton,
great, great golfer, but an even greater alcoholic. And a mean alcoholic.
- Really? - I was afraid of him.
He once killed a horse with a 9 iron.
- Well...
So I assume this is about my dad's will?
- The vultures are three deep at the bar, passed apps are almost gone.
I swear to God. Half those guys never even met Andy, but you put a pig in a blanket...
- Ken, Jeff Stedmon. Jeff's the executive of your dad's will. Jeff, Ken.
- Ken, nice to meet you.
I'm sorry about your dad, but if I know Andy,
he's trying to dig Jesus for a 50-dollar Nassau as we speak.
- He would do that, wouldn't he?!
"Excuse me, Mr. Christ, but isn't that a hurricane about to hit India?!"
- Whoop! Classic Andy foot wedge!
- I have no idea what's happening.
- You need a drink. - Uh, I'm okay.
- I wasn't asking. - Oh...
- Rachel!
Your dad's paying!
Open bar, passed apps, part of his last will and testament.
- First and last time he ever bought a round.
- Rachel, can you get Ken here a little something?
- Yeah, just a light beer. - Kid, it's a wake.
Bring him one of these, freshen mine up.
There's a hole in the glass.
- So... shall we get down to it?
- You guys do a lot of this estate work at the golf course?
- Well, business goes where business gets done.
That's why so many Koreans are... Here we go!
This is for you.
- Oh... this is...
- Your dad's ashes.
Gentlemen, I am proud to present...
Andy Wall's final words.
- It's slower than a ladies' foursome.
- My name is Andy Wall, and this is my last will and testament.
Do I say that? Okay.
I've only one request of my son,
and that's that he scatter my ashes in the middle of the field at Investors Stadium.
If he does this, then, he gets everything.
It's not much, but then, when my dad passed,
I got shit all, and the government took most of that.
- That's the feds for you.
- Now, if he doesn't get it done, well, then,
my estate goes to the club for the construction of a members-only steam room,
which could have been done last fiscal,
but Steve London isn't much of an accountant, so now, it's up to me.
- Boy, do not get him started on Steve London.
- And it has to be done within two days of my service.
I don't wanna sit on some shelf somewhere while my son
slaps his dick around trying to figure out what's what.
Uh, Vince has the details
and Jeff'll make sure it gets done before the money gets handed over.
Okay, that's it.
Would you... go find that oriental nurse, you know, the one with the--
- Why did he look like that? I thought he had an aneurysm?
- Well, the aneurysm was one of the side effects of the lung cancer.
- Lung cancer?
- And a lifetime of self-medicating.
- Yeah, we all thought his liver would go first.
- Yeah, he never even got to the chemo, you know.
By the time he got his saggy ass to the doctor,
he was already line seven with a marshal up his ass.
- Nothing to do but pick up and head in...
to that 19th hole in the sky.
- Golf terms. Golf terms. - Mm-hmm.
- Any questions?
- Well, uh... - Thanks, Rachel.
- A few, yeah. Um...
- We really don't amount to much in the end, do we?
- Why would... why would he want his ashes scattered at Investors Stadium?
- It was his only request.
- That and the open bar! - And the passed apps.
- And the estate...?
- I'm not allowed to tell you the amount until it's all done.
- 40 years in sales. God, that bastard knew how to incentivize.
Uh... how would I even...
- Look, we're not gonna force you.
- No one's got a gun to your head. - This is not China.
- I read a thing, when the next generation of this country
is gonna come out the chute speaking Mandarin.
- Really? - Listen, I have...
a lot of stuff on my plate right now, uh...
Could I have a little time to think about it?
- Of course, absolutely.
Though we should get this show on the road.
Some mourners have their T-times.
Not that they'd walk or anything, but your dad really hated slow play.
- "While we're young!" - He said that a lot.
- Rest in peace.
Shall we go? - Yeah.
- Well, I'd like to thank everyone for coming
to this celebration of life.
The other day, we lost a friend, a colleague,
and a man who couldn't hit a 7-iron to save his life.
So to that end, we are putting Andy's name on a plaque,
on the ball washer on Number 9, Andy's favourite hole.
- Not his favourite! - Yeah, okay.
- My fondest memory of Andy was when he hit a wedge off a tree
and it landed in that tiny hollow where a pipe was broken.
And he wanted to call it... ground under repair.
But...
- Serving on the logistics committee is a thankless task.
But Andy was always good about stepping up.
Oh!
- The specialty ad game is more than just logos on pens.
And he knew that.
He got that.
- We said, "Andy, that's not ground under repair.
That's a water hazard!"
- Uh... so when you see the new compressed air spikes cleaner,
you should know Andy fought for that.
Also, Spring Fling tickets are now on sale. Thank you.
- Now, some of you may know that...
Andy left behind a son.
Ken.
Ken, would you stand for the people?
And now, Ken's gonna say a few words.
- Hello.
Uh... I didn't really prepare anything,
so I'm not sure why I'm looking through my jacket...
Wow...
Uh, what can I say about my dad?
Well, he... Oh!
Thank you.
- The apple doesn't fall far from the tree!
- Last time I saw him was at my wedding five years ago.
He flew in late and left early.
Last time I talked to him was last Christmas.
Yeah, well... I tried to talk to him.
If you called after 4, you really never knew what you were gonna get.
My dad was, uh...
He was...
He worked a lot.
He... must've liked his job.
He always paid his child support on time. I think.
He loved golf,
probably more than...
anything, really.
I remember...
he used to love telling this one joke
when I was a kid, over and over.
It was about this golfer who got home late
and his wife was worried, upset.
And the golfer explained that on the...
on the course, one of the foursome had a heart attack and died.
Yeah... Uh...
And the wife says, "Wow, that's awful."
And then the husband says, "Yeah, it was terrible.
Just... just terrible.
The rest of the day was just: Hit your ball, drag Walter.
Hit your ball, drag Walter."
Here's to you, Dad.
I may not have known you well, but... you brought me into this world,
served on some committees,
and the ninth hole was your favourite.
One man's legacy. Cheers.
- Thank you, Ken.
Well, there's gonna be a brief PowerPoint presentation,
and then, in honour of Andy, we can all go stand in the sand trap.
Rachel, would you grab the lights?
♪ There's one pet I like to pet ♪
♪ And every evening we get set ♪
♪ I stroke it every chance I get ♪
♪ It's my girl's pussy ♪
♪ Seldom plays and never purrs ♪
♪ And I love the thoughts it stirs ♪
♪ But I don't mind because it's hers ♪
♪ It's my girl's pussy ♪
Well, it was quite a speech.
- I don't even know why I came back for this.
- Yeah, it's a gut-punch to the nads alright.
Say, how's your mom? I thought she might come.
- Guy disappears from my life for 20 years and expects me
just to... grant his final wish.
- You wanna know why he wants his ashes scattered on the field?
- It's not like he was a fan.
Didn't go to the games.
Didn't go anywhere.
- He had season tickets before you were born.
- What? - Yeah, and then,
you came along and... you know, he just...
He let them go. You know, said it was just too expensive with a kid and all.
And it broke his heart.
But he never went to another game. For you.
- Is that true?
Hey!
- Your dad came from a generation that knew
how to sacrifice without putting it on Facebook.
Hey, everybody, I'm selfie-ing myself washing oil off an owl.
Give me a thumbs up and a government grant.
- I hate to rush you, Ken, but I have some other legal stuff that I should attend to.
- Oh, yeah. Uh...
Listen, I'm... I'm sorry, guys, but--
- Look, kid, I know how you feel, but...
trust me, it'll be worth your while.
- Jeff, the legal terms of Andy's will quite clearly state--
- The legal terms can lick my shitter.
You want it done or not? - Yes I want it done.
And you know what, with no funny stuff-- - Oh, here we go!
Happens every time. Five drinks in, never fails.
- You know what the odds are of the same person
winning the three main prizes at the Spring Fling Raffle lot?
- You know, why don't you just come out and say it?
Say you think I rigged the draw.
- If the Boneco 7114 humidifier fits!
Ball!
What the...?
Marty.
- Hey, we're trying to play through here! Am I right, guys?
- No, that's not right.
- No, we're standing on a bridge.
- This... this is not part of the course.
- Can we just rewind a little? What were you saying there?
- I'm just saying it could go a long way towards setting up a young family. You know?
Well, unless you want your kid to end up like Vinnie's.
One felon and one felon in training.
What? Tell me I'm wrong.
- Look, my oldest is...
...is truly awful.
Even the social worker says so. - Yeah, lot of good she did.
I'm from the government, I'm here to help.
- She says that some teens just... like to show it in public.
There's nothing you can do other than hope they grow out of it.
Does your kid, uh... unzip his fly and run through the school yelling:
"I'm the teacher, I'm the teacher! Learn this! Learn this!"
Does your kid...? Is that a normal kid thing...
- Well, he's just a baby. So...
- Okay, fine. Tell him.
But the two-day timeline, consider that carved in stone!
- Ah... - Oh, and I will also require
what we call in the law business evidence of disposal of human remains.
- What do they call it outside the law business?
- Lots of things. There's lots of names for it.
- Holy shit! $200,000?! - I know!
All I have to do is take the ashes and scatter them on a football field.
- College fund, hello!
- I know, that's what I was thinking.
Plus, we now can really talk about the other thing that we were, you know, were gonna do.
- What other thing? The gastropub thing? That's still on the table?
- Of course, it's still on the table.
Why would that not be on the table?
Just because there's a kid at the table now?
- Okay, easy, Cranky Pants.
I had to put some stuff on hold too, you know.
I know. I'm sorry. It's...
you know, still dealing with a death in the family.
- Hmm. Still milking that, are we?
- Okay. You realize that there's a half-naked man behind you holding our baby.
- Yeah. I just needed a break.
- Hmm.
Did his shirt need a break too?
- It's covered in your son's puke. Not that I mind.
- Hmm. You're lucky that I am very secure.
- Hmm?
Nothing wrong with looking, is there, Mr. Clear Browser History?
Hey, um... wanna see somethin'?
- Yeah, sure, I mean, is it okay?
Oh!
- Does this look normal to you? 'Cause the Internet says it is, but I do not think so.
- No, it does not look normal! What's wrong with you?
Trust me, it's even worse in person.
- Alright. You know what? I have to go.
Love you. - Yeah, you fucking better.
'Cause he's great with our kid and I bet I can flip him.
You have an appointment with the team's PR person at 10 a.m. tomorrow.
- Uh, okay. What did you tell them?
- That you wanted to discuss a donation...
...which was kind of true.
- Thanks, Mom.
Hey, did you know that Dad used to have season tickets?
- I did.
- Oh. - Andy...
- Did I know that? - Ashes to ashes...
Whoa! - Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Oopsie, all good. Easy fix.
- Easy fix!? There's like, what's equivalent to a foot on the floor now.
- It comes at you faster than you think, you know.
I hope I'm not all alone at the end.
- You're not gonna be alone, Mom.
- My son moved to another city, my husband is in a plastic bag.
- Ex-husband! Who you hated.
- Who stole the best years of my life and wore me out,
so nobody else would ever want me.
"Oh, I got time." You get pregnant at 19, you do what you have to...
Ah-ha!
These never tear. - Ah...
Okay, let's move Dad over here.
Let's just... - There's a lot of him.
- Mm-hmm. - I feel like a drug dealer.
- So here's something I was always curious about.
When did you know that you and Dad weren't gonna work out?
- Why do you ask?
- Uh... just wondering.
- I'd have to say the second day of our honeymoon.
Do you remember that Popsicle-stick fort we made when you were in grade school?
It's fun doing activities.
Go on.
- You go in the backseat in there, Dad.
Hello.
- Hey, it's Jeff. What number came up when you got this?
- What... what... my dad's! What number you think came up?
- Yeah, okay, yeah. Well, he said I could have his phone.
So I got some roll-over minutes to use up before I switch the number. Where are you?
- I'm at the Stadium. - Wow!
Just remember, we need a picture, evidence or some shit.
And there's a box of stuff for you at your dad's house.
- Yeah, I'll swing by after. Probably...
I just realize I don't even know where he lived.
- I'll send you the address. I can meet you there.
If you get there first, he keeps the key under a rusty can by the back door.
- Rusty can. Alright.
- Lady, I know there's no phone at the tables--
- Hello!
Hi, are you Ken?
- Ah, yes. - I'm Katherine. Hi.
Your assistant said on the phone your father recently passed.
I'm so sorry for your loss. - Thank you.
- Have you considered a contribution in your father's name to our Foundation?
You know, we can actually put his name on a brick
on our Wall of Super Fans.
- Well, that's kind of why I'm here. Now this may sound odd,
but my dad really wanted his ashes scattered on the field.
- Hmm... - Your field.
- Hmm...
- That one.
- I totally understand and we can't do that.
Just health issues for the players, coaches, staff...
- And I thought of that, so what if, in addition to a sizeable donation,
I had a professional cleaning service come in with a...
you know, like a Shop-Vac? Or something better.
So that I could just, you know, get a picture with the ashes
being scattered or placed. - Right.
- And they can vacuum up everything and...
like we were never here. - Right, right.
Yeah, no, we can't do that. It's just... it's club policy.
- Really? Do you really get that request enough that there's a rule?
- Well, I mean, anything that's not authorized is considered unauthorized, so...
- Mm-hmm! Right.
So what if this one time... you just...
authorize something that was unauthorized?
- I'm not authorized, yeah.
- Could I speak to someone who is?
- You know, why don't you send us an email?
Now, is there anything else I can help you with?
- Well... no.
- All the best. Yeah, again,
sorry for your loss. - Thank you.
Yeah? - Hey, buddy, it's your boss.
Just wanted to see how the funeral went.
- It went... about as well as could be expected.
- Oh, great, awesome.
So, hey, any progress on the old PP, Senor El Power Pointo?
I hate to ask, but it's... crazy around here.
We're down a guy, so it's nuts.
- Uh... I'm working on it.
- Listen, you do what you need for you first, okay?
Just let me know later today.
- Yeah. Alright.
- Hey. - Oh, shit!
Hey, man.
- What the hell you think you're doing?
- Uh, yeah. Funny story. Actually, I was just...
meeting with your PR department.
- Get off the gate, nutjob. - Yeah, I got you.
Um... If you could just hand me my... my bag real quick.
- What's in it?
You got a bomb in here?
Is this some alt-right false flag operation?
- What, no? No flags...
No, no, no, don't open that, please.
- I think I better get the cops.
- Wait, wait, wait, no! It's my dad.
It's my dead dad. It's his ashes.
- Don't play me, kid. - I'm not playing you.
- How do I know you're just not some jock-sniffing pervert?
- Well, I mean...
It's kinda hard to prove a negative.
Is that a big problem around here? Jock sniffers?
- I've seen some things.
- Huh. - Would you mind getting off my gate, please?
- Yeah. Yes, absolutely.
Alright, here I go.
Okay.
Just hand me my bag, please. - Sure.
What's it worth to you?
- How's 20 bucks?
- Deal. - Alright.
Or... uh...
how about...
I give you everything in my wallet
if you just take those ashes and sprinkle them at midfield?
- How much is everything?
- I got...
20... 40... 50...
I can head to an ATM. - No!
Better off no paper trail.
These guys'll be done in a couple hours.
I'm already off, but I'll come back.
- Perfect.
I'll just wait for you here. - Can't wait.
Security does sweeps, you'll get us caught.
- Okay, here, here. Take my card, okay?
Kenneth Wall, that's me. Here's my phone number, okay?
Take that, if you could text me
a picture of you dumping the ashes at midfield.
- Sure, yeah. - Okay?
You got a phone? - Yeah.
- You know how to text?
Alright, cool. Thanks, man. - You...
If you want... I should say something when I dump him?
- Uh... if the mood strikes you. - I know a poem.
- Cool. That'd be great.
- "Do not stand on my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I'm a thousand winds that blow.
I'm the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sun on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain."
- It's beautiful. Thank you. Alright.
- "When you awaken..." - Not done yet, okay.
- "...in the morning hush.
I am the swift uplifting rush
of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there; I did not die."
Hmm...
- Hey, buddy!
How's it going?
I'm in my dad's house.
- Why are you whispering?
- I don't know.
Check this out.
- What is that? - A drill press, I think.
- He wasn't a serial killer, was he?
- Um, I'm gonna go with...
...maybe. - That's not funny,
that shit's fucking genetic.
- Oh, found the remote.
- Did someone already clear out his stuff?
- No, I think this is just
how he lived.
- Wow... it's really...
lonely.
- Creepy.
Holy shit.
What the... - Wow...
Okay, I guess he had a thing for planes.
- Apparently.
- And Halloween-themed carpeting.
What if he had this like, weird secret fetish that...
Holy shit, Ken, behind you! - What the fuck?!
- Easy, A-Rod! The door was open.
- You scared the shit out of me. Sorry.
Oh, that's my wife, Laurie.
Laurie, this is Jeff, he's the executor of my dad's will.
- Nice to meet you, pretty lady. - Hi! Nice to meet you.
Sorry to scream,
I just didn't exp--
Fuck, Ken. Not again.
- What did I do?
- They really stay filled out after they pop one, don't they?
I'm talking about her titties. - Yeah, I got it.
- Here's that box I was telling you about.
- Yeah.
Native-American man in a loin cloth.
That's not mine.
Ah...
Sports Illustrated calendar from 2007.
What's this? - Your dad was quite an athlete.
- Yeah, this is mine. From like... 25 years ago.
Peewee division C tournament champion.
Smallest guy on the team. I, uh... I scored the winning touchdown.
Interception, free safety, of course.
Forty-yard run, got tackled at the one...
fumbled, came up with the ball... ah!
Rob Seydoff, the biggest guy on the team fell on my arm, broke it in three places.
Mom never let me play again. - Wow.
And he kept that souvenir all these years.
He probably had some fond memories of you... out there, playing your heart out.
- Yeah, no, he... he missed it. Last-minute meeting.
- You know, a man's gotta work.
- Last-minute meeting means he'd get drunk at lunch.
- Anything else you wanna take? - No, I'm good.
So what's the deal with all the airplane stuff?
- You didn't know? Your dad always wanted to be a pilot.
- Really? - Yeah.
He even took flying lessons when he was y...
Oh, my God!
Yeah, I guess this was the next best thing.
You know, I should probably...
I should probably keep these.
You know, I just wouldn't want the guys at Goodwill getting
the wrong idea about your old man.
- Knock yourself out.
- You hungry?
- It'll be fine. - Oh, I don't know.
I'm the executor, I'm supposed to witness any ash-related activity.
I'll be signing an affidavit.
- Well, it's the only way it was gonna happen.
- Well, I guess.
- Good food here? - No, no, terrible.
Your dad's favourite spot.
Ah, looks like someone got their suspension lifted.
It's a grabby Irish fuck.
Don't get the wrong idea about your dad.
He wasn't some pervert. Never liked to sit right up in sniffer's row.
He said: "Too close ruins the mystery."
- Try watching a kid come out of there.
- What kind of sick bastard are you?
- So, uh...
was my dad seeing anyone?
- Yeah, women get to a certain age, they don't wanna bone anymore.
And your dad was very private about that kind of thing.
And I prefer women of a certain vintage,
but given the choice between nothing and
a young pro with a kung fu grip...
this is not ideal.
- So, the AA meeting broke early.
You got 20 minutes left to the buffet. Get you a drink?
- Oh, thanks, it's a little early for me.
There's a two-drink minimum, honey.
- Well, I guess, uh...
- My God!
You look exactly like this guy I know.
- Yeah, maybe because it's Andy's kid.
- No, shit.
No fucking shit!
Cindy! Get your tits over here!
- Hey, Velvet, could you, uh... get me a Bloody Mary and her sister?
- Lunch of champions.
And you? - Does it have to be alcoholic?
- What are you? A comedian? - I'll just have a Coke.
- Two Jack and Cokes.
- Some horny boys over here looking for a little lap love?
- Who does he look like?
Who does he think he looks like?
- Hello.
- It's like a little Andy.
I mean, not what Andy calls his little Andy, but...
Wow!
- That's his kid.
- Aw...
Hey, I can do a father-son discount.
Where is the old rascal?
- He's uh... he's gone, honey.
He's dead.
- What?
- Well, that's poopy.
Miss, the check, please!
- I knew he was sick.
I'm so sorry-- - For my loss, yes.
Thank you very much.
- How about a dance on the house?
I mean, you guys can still tip if you want.
- I'm okay. - That'd be swell.
- Oh, yay! I've been so horny all morning.
- Stroke of luck for me then.
Your dad was so great.
- Thank you, very sweet of you.
- She's not just saying that.
When Cindy needed braces, her...
Maggie's son's lawyer -
Friday Maggie, not pierced Maggie -
when he turned out to be a total piece of shit,
Andy was the first one with his wallet out.
- Did you know he invented cutting the pockets out of the inside of your sweat pants?
- I did not. But no doubt that he said that.
- Yeah. I mean, even toward the end, when he couldn't...
express his affection the way most guys do,
he would still come in here just to talk.
- Wait a minute.
You knew he was sick and you didn't tell me?!
- Client-dancer confidentiality, you taught me that.
- Don't worry about it. I'm his kid and he didn't even tell me.
It's not like he's... a decent human being in any way.
- Hey!
Shut your mouth.
- It's okay. It's okay...
- Hey, I'm sorry.
I mean, he wasn't the greatest guy all the time, but...
you know, we all have our faults.
- Did you guys...?
- A long time ago.
- Guesstimate for me.
- 20 years...
The 90's are a little fuzzy for me.
- Before or after my parents split up?
- Hey, I'm sorry, kid.
I didn't pull the ripcord on your parents' marriage.
I was just one of the many spots he landed.
Jesus! He was a charmer.
You know, on our first date, he bought this little stuffed bear.
God, we got shit-faced and ended up in a tattoo parlour!
Oh, no, no, that's okay. - That's it.
- Yep, there it is.
- I was a tight piece of ass back then.
- Oh, yeah, she was.
I saw a VHS evidence tape of her once.
- Your dad...
He could treat a lady like a f-ing lady!
- Aw...
Don't be blue.
- I'm okay. - He's fine, he's fine.
- No, look at him. He's all frowny.
- Yeah, that's just the way my face kind of sits.
- Let's see what you inherited from your old man.
- Huh?
It's okay, thank you. I'm sorry.
- I got it, I got it.
Hey, you alright?
You didn't go hair-trigger, did you?
- This is all some big fucking joke to you, huh?
Hey, I know what'd be funny,
is if the stripper that used to jerk off my buddy Andy, jerked off his son too!
Oh, you know what'd be even better?
Is if that same stripper knew that he was dying before even I did.
- Technically, you never even knew he was dying, so--
- No, technically, he's an asshole.
- A complex asshole.
- A complex asshole who left my mom for a stripper.
- And who cared about the juvenile justice system.
- For a stripper's kid.
- You're obsessed with the erotic arts, aren't you?
- Hello?
- Son of a bitch! If you came in town
and didn't tell me, I'll fucking kill you.
- Cam!
What's up, man? Uh...
Sorry I didn't call you. I'm here for my dad's funeral.
- Oh... sorry for your loss.
Is that what people say?
- That's about all they say.
How did you... how did you know I was here?
- Your wife and my wife started Facebooking after the wedding.
And she just posted some diaper pick, and blah, blah, blah...
Who gives a shit? Come over tonight, meet the child.
See how your life will be boned for the next 18 years.
- Well, as tempting as that sounds, I think I'm gonna have to catch the red-eye back, so...
- Fuck you, motherfucker.
Come over, I'm texting you the address, 7 o'clock.
Bring anything and die. - Alright.
- Also, I'm sorry I said "die".
Later, asshole.
- An old friend.
So...
I guess that's it.
I'll just send you the picture when I get it.
- I guess so.
- Just contact me...
when the estate settles.
Nice meeting you.
- You too.
- You're going back in?
- We all grieve in our own way, Ken.
We all grieve in our own way.
- 'Cause you'll be the person that'll be handling this.
I mean, I can't, you know, leave it up to my--
And there he is!
Lori, I'll be right back.
It rang and I picked up.
- Hello.
- How did it go? - Uh...
Good, good. I got a guy dumping him as we speak.
You got a guy, huh?
- Yeah, you know. I got... I found an ash-dumping guy.
- Impressive.
Daddy's coming home! Yay!
Oh, hi! There he is.
Hi! There's my... child.
So, what were you and my mom talking about?
- Your mom went to some holistic funeral home
and came back with a bunch of pamphlets.
I think she's really bored.
- Well... - So, Lori,
the sandalwood one
is 80% post-consumer fibre.
- Mom, what are you doing? You're in perfect health.
- I know. But there's nothing wrong with preparing
for the inevitable transition into the next realm of existence.
So the super-eco option... - I think she's talking about Florida.
- ...which seems better than the mushroom death suit.
Let me show. I'll be right back. - Nobody likes the mushroom death suit.
20 minutes of that.
Is she gonna be okay? - Yeah, yeah.
She'll be fine.
I'll just remove all the sharp objects before I come home.
- What time does your flight land? - Uh...
Actually, I'm gonna hop on the first flight tomorrow morning.
- Tomorrow? What happened to tonight?
- Well, Cam called.
So I thought I'd, you know, since I'm here already,
I'd swing by,
maybe get some new dad tips.
- Here's a dad tip, come hang out with your actual family.
- Okay. Just, can we not... it's just been a long,
weird, stressful day.
- Oh, it's been stressful for you?
I'm so sorry to hear that. No stress over here by the way.
This kid kind of raises himself.
I just leave out some Kibble
and figured I'd check back in before college.
- So now, we're using the kid as a weapon?
- No, not until his skull firms up.
I know you're dealing with a lot of stuff, Ken,
but I could really use a hand,
and you're off tearing it up with your homies.
- I'm not tearing it up with anybody!
I have no homies to tear it up with. I don't know what you're taking about.
Okay? You said it was fine. So I came.
It's okay. It's alright.
- It's just an extra 12 hours. You'll be fine. Call Trent
and have him come over and take his shirt off.
- Yeah. You caught us. That's why I'm so exhausted.
Just been gay-fucking
his gay brains out all over our gay fucking apartment.
It's just a peg-a-palooza out here. - Okay, okay, alright.
- Thank God I rush-ordered that big, fat strap-on!
- Please, would you lower your voice!
- Well, you know, at least someone's getting some action.
- It took 16 hours to push
our little bowling ball of love out of my fucking vagina.
And you wonder why I'm not in the mood?
- Okay. I regretted that
the moment that I said it, but, you know, it has been six months.
- You didn't want to fuck a pregnant lady!
Oh, see? Now, he's crying.
It's okay. - Shh, shh... It's okay.
- It's okay. Sorry.
Do you have to feed him?
- Yeah. But you know what?
Good news, left tit stopped bleeding today. So...
- Lori, hold...
- So, this one seems really interesting.
This is the funeral pyre.
The only problem is it is weather dependent.
- She's gone, mom. She's not there anymore.
- Sorry for the mess.
- No. It's like seeing into my future.
- Yeah, well, hopefully, yours isn't a bile-spewing monster like ours is.
- Yeah.
- Hey, to your dad. - Yeah.
My dad...
You know, he...
He used to take flying lessons.
- How the fuck would I know that?
- I don't know. I just found out that... uh...
he wanted to be a pilot when he was younger.
- Huh... Why'd he stop?
- Not a hot clue.
- You know, when my grandfather died, my grandma found all these like,
men's "bodybuilding" magazines.
- Are you serious? - Yeah.
I'm only here because of intolerance in the '50s.
- Interesting. - You never really know anyone.
Did you ever open that bar?
- Gastropub.
Brew pub.
I'm still kind of trying to decide between...
Although they're both so trendy now. I probably missed the bus.
- Parenthood...
where your plans go to die.
- A hospice for your dreams.
- Palliative care for your balls.
At least then, you have an excuse, right?
Oh, it's my neighbour.
Tracey! Come meet one of the assholes I went to college with!
- You make it sound so tempting.
- This is Ken. Ken, Tracey. Tracey, Ken.
- Nice to meet you.
- College, huh?
Same sorority?
Oh, enjoy your humour.
Why don't you ask your pimp if you can come over for a beer?
Rude.
She's not really a hooker, but she did just get divorced.
- That's too bad. - Too bad for him.
I heard them a few times. She's... enthusiastic.
- That's kind of... cliché, isn't it, the horny divorcee?
- Buddy, all clichés are true. That's just science.
Anne doesn't really trust her.
It kind of makes it hotter for me.
- Hmm. - What? Good news?
- Uh... Yeah.
It's about my dad's... affairs.
Cam, can you help? Sorry, Ken.
- Oh, did he-- - Yeah, yeah.
And then, he--
- Alright, get the thing and I'll...
Hey. Untouched by the lips of man.
- Know that feeling.
- Here, you need help there, buddy?
- Yeah, I need help getting in my own house. Fuck off.
- Geez.
- Oh, children. - Yeah.
- You got any? - Uh, one, yeah.
You wanna see a picture?
- I'm good.
Do you mind?
- No, please. It's your... neighbour's house.
- They occasionally partake.
- Oh, no. Thanks. I'm married... uh, driving.
- And a little Freudian.
- Yeah.
- I figure weed has prevented more new parents from killing their spawn than any other drug.
- That sounds about right.
I bet you acid's probably a parenting non-starter.
Oh, my kid has fangs! Kill it!
Kill it!
- You've never done acid, have you?
- I have not.
Although I did buy fake ecstasy at a rave once.
Cleared my sinuses right up.
♪ I'm just passing through I've been doing the do ♪
♪ But I really like some company ♪
♪ So I step to the corner ♪
♪ Where the party's made to order ♪
♪ Going down right in front of me ♪
♪ A little smoking A little drinking ♪
♪ More dazin' less digging... ♪
- ...moment for posterity. Two college boyfriends.
Yeah! - Yeah, like old times.
- No, don't.
- Photo-bomb, motherfuckers!
- What? You're ruining our picture!
- Yeah, she did actually ruin it.
- Did you get it? Hold on, hold on. Are you okay to drive?
- Yes, I'm okay. I'm brilliant. Brilliant!
- Brilliant!
- But text us when you get home. Alright?
- Yes, mom.
- And a big kiss to your wife,
because she is so awesome. - Aw!
- Yes, she is.
- Now, get off my lawn, crazy kids.
- Thank you. Thank you. - Yes, get out.
- Man, I needed this.
- One for the ride.
- Oh...
yeah, I don't know. - What?
You think I'm trying to pass you out and date-rape you?
- Everybody knows that rape is about power and not about sex.
- Oh, God! - Wait, wait, wait.
Okay, one more would be perfection.
- Only one more.
Because I wouldn't want the neighbours to talk...
- Okay, I just should move my car so they don't worry.
- Oh, look at you, always thinking of others.
Oh...
Argh... - What?
- My boss,
passive-aggressive ninja.
- What exactly is it that you do again?
- Uh... business-to-business marketing
for a small brewery special...
Yeah.
But don't you worry, lady. I got other plans.
- Why don't you just quit? Now?
What?
- Use your largesse to strike out on your own in the world.
- Yeah, I'm working on it.
- Wait, what's the word?
Meow!
- It's not that easy.
- I double dog dare you.
- Are you kidding?
There's like, stuff that I've--
- I triple triple... triple dog dare you.
- Well, now it's fucking on. That last dog just, you know...
- Just put you over the edge.
- Hi, we're not here right now--
- Oh, went straight to voice mail.
- Scorch the earth, motherfucker.
- Hey, it's Ken.
Wall, uh...
About that PowerPoint, I'm not gonna...
I'm not gonna get to do it because...
I quit.
Yeah.
Uh... I quit. So, uh...
And someone should probably tell you this, but...
The way you micromanage the entire business makes everyone hate you
and wastes the company a ton of money.
And also, stop with the fucking hugging! Uh... oh, yeah.
And also, an aneurysm is not a disease,
so you can't have a fun run for it.
So, alright, uh...
- Yes! - Oh!
- How does it feel? - Fuck!
Like I'm gonna throw up?
Do you have any water?
- Yeah.
So how is the wifey gonna feel about this?
- She can't get any madder than she already is, so...
Yeah.
Before I left, she asked me if I was dead inside.
- Are you?
- Uh... I mean...
There's all these feelings
that I am supposed to have as a new dad.
And I want to feel them.
My wife is actually a really amazing woman.
- Yet you're sitting here drinking with a strange woman late at night.
- Yeah.
- You know, Ken, marriage isn't a "one size fits all" situation.
- Does that mean I should be a Mormon?
- Maybe what you need is a one-off.
And just so you know, she never has to.
- Hey!
- Hey, Jeff. What are you doing here?
- You know, I called you, like, 50 times.
I figured some hood rat must've popped you.
I mean, the crime rate these days is--
- Actually way down. So--
- So he called my number. Sounds like karma.
- Or directory assistance.
- Do you realize I haven't seen Jeff in 20 years?
- Really? So back to my original question.
- Little wrinkle with your escape plan, Jacko.
Your janitor friend... is lying.
- So exciting.
It's just like an episode of Law and Order.
The original one. I don't care for the sexual assaults.
Anybody wants some wine? - Does a rabbi work for tips?
Take a look at the grass. You see what I mean?
- Yeah. Now that it's bigger.
- And the ashes. - Wrong colour.
Andy was more light gray. - Your mom has a keen eye.
- Why would he do that? - Well, that is the question.
What was the particular make of your janitor?
Make?
- Oh, come on, Mr. PC.
Was he a recent arrival to our fair country?
Did he have a preponderance of consonants in his name?
Was he wearing a head covering that was religious and not decorative in nature?
- Jeff, you're so verbal!
- Yeah, a verbal racist. Oh, what are we gonna do?
- Well, I'll tell you what...
you call him and you tell him...
I don't know what you tell him.
You tell him you need the box back for insurance purposes.
Then, we get his locale, we go pay him a visit.
- Excellent idea. - Thank you, lady Eve.
- Okay, okay.
I can't think about this right now. I gotta go to sleep.
Thanks for the info. We'll figure it out tomorrow.
I'm gonna crash.
- Good night. - Yeah.
- Okay, well, I guess...
I guess I should mosey.
- Yeah, it's late.
So how's your night vision? - I get by.
- I bet you do.
- You know, I remember when we first met,
it was... a wedding at the club.
And Andy pointed you out to me and I thought: Oh, my God.
That was my best friend's ex-wife. - Stop.
- You were wearing that little blue dress
with a button at the top that just wouldn't stay
buttoned.
Oh!
- Hey. - Good morning, sleepyhead.
- How you doing?
- Amazing.
Your son actually slept through the night.
- Oh, good.
- Unlike someone who looks a bit rough.
- Yeah, I didn't get the...
best sleep, so...
- Yeah, did your new friend Tracey keep you up?
- What?
- Tall, brunette, looks like a Romanian sex worker.
- Tracey... Oh, Cam's neighbour.
Uh, yeah, she stopped by. How did you...
- Anne posted a photo on Facebook.
You look nice and toasty.
- Oh, no, she was... yeah, she was fun.
It was, I mean, it was good to see Cam and...
- It looked like fun
and I'm glad you got to... go out.
Sorry I haven't been really fun lately.
- No, no. I'm the one in my own universe.
I was such an asshole. I'm sorry.
- No. I was a total bitch. - No, I was the bitch.
I'm a super bitch.
- Speaking of bitches, your boss called last night
and left a weird message on our machine.
- Fuck.
I mean... okay.
- Hey, so when's your flight? - Uh...
Hold on one second.
Where are you?
Oh, sweetie, I gotta get this real quick.
- Sure, sure. If it's my new sister wife, tell her I said, "Whaddup!"
- Ha-ha-ha. Not funny.
I love you.
- Alright, "shame spiral". Get some coffee.
- Okay, bye.
Hey, this is Ken.
Yeah.
Yes, the one with the ashes.
Do you have other people that have ashes?
Jeff?
- Hey.
- What... Didn't you get my text?
We're supposed to meet there.
- Yeah, uh, sorry. Just, uh...
It's kind of a senior moment. And...
And I came here.
Want to car pool?
- Uh, uh... sure.
- Yeah, great. Let's go together.
- Weren't you... Were you wearing that yesterday?
- No.
So you just quit over the phone.
- Yeah, I'm so screwed.
Lori's gonna kill me.
To my defense, there was a lot of weed and alcohol involved.
- Well, if weed and alcohol were a defense,
I'd be the CEO of Halliburton right now.
Don't sweat it, kid. If Andy's ashes are in there, we'll make it right.
- Oh.
Hey.
Who's the nut?
- Uh, this is my friend, Jeff.
- Hi. - Nice to meet you.
20 bucks for my time, eh? - Yeah.
- Okay, come on in!
- Wow. Nice.
: Yeah, so about that photo you sent...
Yeah, it's tough to do a selfie
with a dead body, or a bag, I guess.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I don't think you'd actually know.
- I don't follow.
- You see, the...
the field in that photo
was the wrong colour.
Astroturf has...
has a certain blue-ish hue to it.
And...
unlike the...
yard of a dog owner,
there's not any brown spots where the dog...
- Shits.
And the consistency of the alleged ashes
reminds one of say, litter of the kitty.
- Man, I'm sorry.
I was gonna do it, but they got cameras all over the stadium.
- Just tell me you still have the ashes.
- I actually was gonna just put them in the yard,
but this is a human being we're talking about,
a person who lived, who loved--
- Yeah, who pooped and cried. Yeah, we get it. Where's our pen salesman?
- My wife and I thought we should put him in a cemetery.
There's a big tree by where my Nana's buried.
We go up there every other week.
- The remains, mop-jockey, Jesus H. - Sorry, they gotta be here!
- Ask for your money back.
- Yeah, he meant well.
- Well, okay, but it kind of sets a precedent.
- For what?
Unlawful dumping of human remains?
- Hey, is your mom always so...
...obsessed with death? No, that's a new thing.
- I was gonna say "forward".
- What are you talking about?
- Ah, forget it, then.
I just wonder if I need a trip to the clinic.
- Did you...
Wait, after I...
Did you fuck my mom?
- Hey, I told you, man. We all grieve in our own way.
- No, I bet very few of us grieve by sleeping with my mother,
and then, worrying that they have STDs.
- Ken, cool your jets! I'm not gonna start calling you "son".
You don't have to buy me a card on Father's Day.
We're not gonna go have a catch.
But, by the way, there was very little sleeping going on, if you follow.
- Got it!
I put the bag in an empty cereal box, but that's where we normally keep the kitty litter.
So I'm thinking the wife. She's at work right now, but she's--
- For the love of God, man.
- They're probably outside in the trash bin.
- Hey, Batman and Robin.
You still owe me 20 bucks.
- Hey, hey, wait!
Hey, hey!
Hey! Hey!
Hey, hey!
Stop the truck!
- What the hell is going on? - Sir!
We need to get into the back of your truck! - For why?
- There's a baby in there. - Oh, my God!
- It crawled into a trash bag and fell asleep.
- Holy shit! Call 9-1-1.
Call 9-1-1. No baby. There's no baby in there.
- Well, it's a puppy. A dog baby.
- There's no puppy. It's not a puppy baby.
So, this is what a concussion feels like.
Sir, we just need to get into the back of your truck to retrieve something.
- This is a storage unit?
For you to retrieve, there are many regulations.
- Well, was it regulations you ran down my friend here?
- What are you accusing me of? - We're not accusing you of anything, sir.
- Ivan, can I call you Ivan? - Ivan.
- My Slavic friend, you tell me what I have to do
to put us in the back of that truck today.
You guys see the stars?
- You like that? It won't take us long. - No.
- Hi! My God, what happened?
- Mom, what are you doing here? - What?! I don't get a "me" day?
- Yeah, a little bump on the noggin. He's alright.
- Did you find Andy?
- Oh, yeah. He's in the corn flake box.
Jeff told the garbage man about the dead puppies.
So now, we're back at square uno.
- You think you could keep up this spacey looking, drooling idiot bit a little while longer?
- I think I have an actual head injury.
I should probably go to the hospital.
- Kids, these days.
- Your uncle lost a foot in a combine accident once. He never made a peep.
- Because maybe that's our play. There's a saying in the sales game:
A man in a good suit can get almost anywhere
if he walks with confidence.
- More than anywhere. - Do you know any gimps?
What, like, otherly gifted. Hello, anybody home?
- A person with activity limitation is what we call them at work.
- Okay. - Like his oldest friend, Cam.
He's been in a wheelchair his whole life.
- Now, that's the best news I've heard all day.
- I just want you to know that I know how incredibly offensive this is.
Just say the word and I won't do it.
- Good. I'm glad you came to your senses.
Do you realize how insensitive this is?
- Yeah, man. I'm sorry.
I'm just shitting you, man.
Take it, you fucking wannabe able-ist.
- Are you serious? - Oh, yeah. No, dude. I love this.
People are terrified of these things.
I free-rolled into more concerts than you can imagine. - You have?
- Young Jeezy. First row.
He was like, "Get on stage!" I was like,
"Uh, there's no ramp." But it was like, a nice...
it was nice of him to invite him.
Look, I got you this. It might help.
- What is this? - I'm a fixer, buddy. Solve your problems.
- You're the best. - That's true.
- I love you. - Alright, man. Go out there and make me proud.
- Alright, I will. - Goddamn criminal.
Remember not to move your legs.
- Shit...
- You know, I usually have men bolt out of my house after the fact.
Not before.
- Yeah. Sorry about that.
- It's okay.
You're a good guy. There's not a lot of you around.
- Well...
it was 50-50 there for a second.
- No, it wasn't.
Although, you would've had a lot of fun.
I do a lot of Cirque du Soleil kind of stuff.
And I'm seriously good at it.
- Well, that was just mean.
Pop it, Jeff!
No, no, that's okay. I got it.
- God, your mom is so flexible.
- Okay. You ready? - Almost.
- Hey! What the fuck?
- You gotta trust me. God is in the details.
Just watch and learn.
Excuse me, young lady, that is a gorgeous blouse.
Did you know this morning when you got up
how it would just make your eyes pop?
- Uh, how can I help you?
- We are here to see John Travis in special events.
Can you tell him Reggie Treehorne
and his special friend from Rolling for the Cure are here?
Remember, you're mute.
- Remember, it's not Rolling for the Cure.
It's Roll for the Cure. Look at the fucking T-shirt.
Uh, sorry. He's still at lunch.
- Oh, did I get the time...
Oh! Yeah, that's my bad.
Uh, well, perhaps we could wait in his office.
- I can't let you back there.
- You know, I'm just not sure you want the optics
of a special person loitering in the...
in the waiting area. You know what I mean?
- Sir.
- It's a corporate image kind of thing,
but if you're okay with that, I'm okay with that.
We'll be right over here.
Now. - Hmm...?
Oh! - Is he okay?
- Uh, you know, I don't know.
Oh!
Oh, he may need a bathroom.
Yeah, yeah, without question.
- The only bathroom we have is back there.
- You know, that's okay. I've got wet wipes.
If you could just... just get his belt for me.
And be careful, you know, you think adult diapers are full on water-tight,
but I've had some nasty surprises in my day. Haven't I, pal?
They call him the brown firehose down at the centre.
It's not because of his dick. Thank you.
We're gonna need more toilet paper.
- Someone just checked this morning-- - No, damn it, woman.
This is not a drill. We're in shit-con four. You need to hustle up
a pallet of double ply in a hurry or you're gonna need to repaint the whole bathroom.
Is that what you want, to repaint?
Okay.
You are pretty good at this.
- You should see me with an angry husband
when I'm nut-to-cheek with his old lady.
Come on, buddy, you got all the time you need.
And I know most guys would disagree,
but I found something incredibly erotic
about control top undergarments. You know, holding so much back.
But I'm taking about the bustier as a metaphor for aspirations of the heart.
It's funny when you think about it. I mean, the more you...
the more you sort of invite stuff to happen... - I like it.
- ...the more it can happen. Do you know what I mean? - Sure.
- He's gonna need a seltzer, I think.
- Alright, bud.
- Balls.
Security?
- Do I have to get a Hazmat team out here?
- No.
Like I said, I'm not a terrorist.
- Prove it. Make him eat some. - How would that...
I'm not going to eat my dad's ashes.
- See? - See what?
That I'm not a necro-cannibal?
- Okay, let's say that's true.
- That would be nice.
- You get why we can't have people throwing human remains on the playing surface?
Hygiene, workplace health and safety.
You know, I started here in high school.
We've had drunks, streakers,
a Morganna the Kissing Bandit wannabe, but...
never a corpse.
- It was his dying wish.
He, uh...
gave up season tickets for me and my mom.
- What was your old man's name?
- Andy Wall.
- So a real fan, huh?
- Why else would you want large men
bleeding and sweating all over your final resting place?
Why do you have a picture of my dad?
- I've never seen someone that drunk run that fast.
We figured he was trying to piss on the team logo.
To explain why his penis was exposed.
Although, we were 3 and 15 that year. So...
I get the impulse.
- You gotta be kidding me.
- Your old man could really hold a grudge.
- Well, do we need to evacuate?
- Hmm... I think we're good here.
Voluntary lifetime ban.
Just like your old man.
Hey, hey.
You want to leave him out in the parking lot by a sewer grate?
We could turn a blind eye.
- He obviously liked to tailgate.
- Hey, what hap-- Oh, God! What?
- He gave up the tickets for his family, huh?
- Oh, hey! Calm down!
- The one decent thing I thought he ever did is bullshit.
- Look, he hoped the ashes would maybe curse the team for the rest of time.
And in his defense, his pain meds were kicking in pretty good.
You should hear what I talked him out of.
- Did he tell you to lie to me? - It was an agreed upon approach.
I mean, if the money didn't hook you, we had the old heart-strings.
- Does my mom know? - What?
Don't blame it on your mom. She wanted you to have one nice memory of your dad.
- See you around, Jeff.
- Hey! Where are you going? You don't have a job.
You need to do this.
- Yeah, I wouldn't scatter his ashes for a million dollars.
- Oh, yeah. So you're just gonna let the golf club build a new steam room.
Look, I can't defend the guy.
But, you know, I care about the old jackass.
- Yeah, well, that makes one of us.
- Let me explain something to you.
Your dad was not proud of some of the choices he made in his life.
And his biggest regret was his estrangement from you.
And the afternoon he told me about it...
I mean, it just broke my heart.
- Fuck you.
- Oh, I gave it a shot. But fuck what he wants.
And fuck that dumb part of your ego that wants to spite him.
Fuck your pride two times on Sunday!
Just fucking be the better man!
Or 20 years from now,
you can look back on your life, whatever it is you do,
and you'll be able to say, "Wow, was I ever a pussy!"
- Yeah, well, at least I'm a pussy who can provide for his family.
- Or a pussy who drinks himself to sleep every night
and starts banging his overweight secretary
just because her muted cries of ecstasy from the copy room
are the only thing that make him feel half-alive.
- Well, that was... was really specific.
- Because that's the way it always happens.
Your family can't be happy unless you're happy.
And you, my son, are one mopey fuck.
So your dad had me lie to you.
You wanted to know more about him?
Well, maybe that's all there is to know.
So fucking what?
Life is a series of trade-offs.
And they don't all have to be bad.
Just...
get this done.
And then, don't think about him again.
- We were really close, weren't we?
- Yes!
- You know, right on the field.
- Inches from greatness.
- Inches. - Inches.
As the ladies always tell me. I kid. I get the job done.
Come on!
- What time is it?
Got you.
Oh, fuck.
Uh...
What time is it?
Society really started going the wrong way
when they took prayer out of schools. And then, stopped wearing watches.
Can we focus, please?
You really got 15 minutes?
If we're a little bit too sensitive,
you're gonna be all over the place.
So what you need to do is you need to...
...so that you're not gonna be flying all over...
- Alright, I think I got this. Alright. I need my dad's phone.
- What? - I need my dad's phone.
I gotta tape it to the plane so we could live stream it.
- No. I'd really hate to burn the roll over minutes.
- Give me the phone.
What's Vince's e-mail?
- Okay. Flip that over.
Okay, Dad. Let's go.
Put it right there.
Here, hold this.
Alright, we got power. Here we go.
There we go. Come on, come on.
Oh! - You're up, you're up.
- Alright! Come on, baby. Alright, oh!
We got it.
This is easy. Wait, wait. It's going around.
- It's coming right at us! Oh, whoa!
- Alright, come on.
- Just stop moving! - Alright, I'm not. - Uh-oh!
- There we go. - Oh! That's a straight line.
That's the whole job. Right there.
No, you're a natural.
I can see right into the stadium.
That's it. You got it, you got it. Look!
- Come on. - You gotta get higher.
Uh-oh!
Hold it steady. - How you doing?
Just making a quick phone call. - Come on, come on. Faster.
Hold it steady.
- Quick, behind the serial killer van.
- Hold it steady.
- We're losing it, we're losing it.
- Slow and steady. I can't see. - You got it.
- Just need a little more.
- Nice and tight.
Drop your weapon! - Good evening, officer.
Just... not a weapon. - Drop whatever is in your hand!
- Just a little more time.
- Gonna get down very slowly. - I'm not gonna ask you again.
- Putting it down.
Got it.
- Got it.
Rest in peace, asshole.
- Hands on the van!
- And I tell you, if we weren't a couple of white guys,
we would've been tased, beaten and pepper-sprayed.
It's nice to know being a tax-paying citizen is still good for some in this country.
- Okay. Here we go.
- Even though I lost a friend, I feel like I gained...
his hot ex-wife.
To leave a woman that's so...
- Don't be gross. Please don't be gross.
- ...vital.
Juicy. I mean, which at her age... come on.
- I understand. The more that I ask you to stop, the more you keep going.
Just like in my mom.
- What? - For my grandson.
Your father gave this to me on our first date.
- That's really... sweet.
- He had his moments.
- Okay, well, if you'll excuse me.
Your mom's coffee goes through me
like a welfare mom through food stamps.
Oh.
Oh, that's my Uber. Okay.
Gotta go.
So I guess I'll see you when I get back here.
- Oh.
I thought you said I could come visit you next month.
- What about the...
the office and the birthdays?
- There's more to life than just work.
- I would like that. Bring Jeff if you'd like.
- Oh, don't jump ahead.
We're just friends.
I mean... with the benefit. Is that how you say it?
- That is how you say it, yes.
- He certainly has some interesting views.
- Mmm... yeah, you could...
you could help him out.
I always said you needed a hobby.
- It's kind of nice to be liked.
It's a good reason to get up in the morning.
- Yeah.
Go.
- Okay.
Uh, hey, Jeff! I gotta get going.
Yeah. I'd come and say goodbye,
but I'm dealing with a real Cancun omelette in here.
- Okay.
It's okay. It's okay.
I'm gonna read you a little story here.
Fully equipped 2,000 square-foot
with incidental liquor.
Sidewalk cafe patio.
Hear that?
Package good.
Looks good.
Tobacco license. No smoking for you.
This one is 1,100 square-foot
with an 800-square-foot basement.
C-3 zoned.
Hot location.
- Hot location?
You know, that was my band's name in high school.
Oh, my God.
Is that a smile? Did it hurt?
- No. But this might.
What would you say
if I told you that I quit my job?
- I'd say,
do you really think the fact that what's-his-name's
almost out is gonna keep me from yelling at you?
- That was the plan.
- Wake me up when you come to bed.
- You wanna talk about it tonight?
- No.
I don't want to talk tonight.
- Oh.
Okay. One more story.
Once upon a time...
there was...
this golfer.
And one day, he came home late from the golf course.
♪ Somewhere along the way ♪
♪ I got off on the side roads ♪
♪ Somewhere along the way ♪
♪ I found where my heart goes ♪
♪ Because now I know ♪
♪ Sometimes the path in front of us is hard to see ♪
♪ Lying in your bed ♪
♪ The worries in your head ♪
♪ If I try maybe I could be like you ♪
♪ Somewhere along the way ♪
♪ I got off on the side roads ♪
♪ And somewhere along the way ♪
♪ I followed where my heart goes ♪
♪ Because now I know ♪
♪ Sometimes the path in front of us is hard to see ♪
♪ I guess I needed a little faith in me ♪
♪ Somewhere along the way ♪