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[rock music plays]

2
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[cheering and applause]

3
00:00:18,018 --> 00:00:20,478
How are we doing, everybody?

4
00:00:20,562 --> 00:00:21,938
[cheering and applause continues]

5
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Thank you all...

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so much for being here.

7
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You guys, it is so great
to be back in the Twin Cities.

8
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- [cheering and applause]
- And when I say that...

9
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When I say that, I mean it is great
to be back in Minneapolis

10
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because I have never been to St. Paul.

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[surprised laughter]

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- [booing and cheering]
- Hear it's lovely. Hear it's lovely.

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Wanna go.

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But I do think it's very important...

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I know with twins, you have
to pay attention to both of them equally,

16
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or else one of 'em gets a complex.

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[laughter]

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I will say, in real life,

19
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I think of you have twins,
it would be the wrong move

20
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to give 'em such different names.

21
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[laughter]

22
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"And this is Minneapolis,
which is the Dakota word for 'water'

23
00:01:03,563 --> 00:01:05,190
and the Greek word for 'city.'

24
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And this is Paul."

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[laughter]

26
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I also want to start by saying

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I know it might be a little weird
to see me in this environment.

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Most of you are probably used to seeing me
wearing a suit, sitting behind a desk.

29
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[cheering and applause]

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Very odd.

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See me doing stand-up in casual clothes.

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It can be very jarring to see someone...

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out of context,

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like when a kid sees a mall Santa

35
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getting into his Ford Festiva.

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[laughter]

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I mean, it might be weird
to even be seeing my legs right now.

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[laughter]

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It's like that time Kermit rode a bike.

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[laughter]

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It was fun, but you were like,
"Are those weight-bearing legs?"

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[laughter]

43
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So, hopefully, you'll learn a few things
about me tonight you don't know.

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Uh, one thing people think
they know about me that is wrong

45
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is, uh, I am not Jewish.

46
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Um, all Jewish people
assume I am Jewish...

47
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because of my name and my face
and everything about me.

48
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[laughter]

49
00:02:17,387 --> 00:02:19,055
My father's father was Jewish.

50
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My mother could not be less Jewish.

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For example, the other day, she said,
"As long as my kids are happy, I'm happy."

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So...

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[laughter]

54
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[applause]

55
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[cheering and applause]

56
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My wife is Jewish.

57
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And her parents were so excited
when they first met me.

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They were so happy that their daughter
had met a nice Jewish boy,

59
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and then I had to break the news to them
that Seth Meyers was not, in fact, Jewish.

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And that is very unfair to them,

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because to be named Seth Meyers
and not be Jewish is false advertising.

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[laughter]

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But I will say, over the course
of the five years

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I dated my wife before we got married,

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I think, to my in-laws,

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I became, to them, Jewish enough.

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[laughter]

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00:03:03,308 --> 00:03:06,352
And I believe that's the only religion
that that happens in.

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Which is why it's so great
that it's the only religion

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that ends with -ish.

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[laughter]

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[cheering and applause]

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I really believe...

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I really believe
that on our wedding night,

75
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people were going up to my mother-in-law
and saying, "Is Seth Jewish?"

76
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And she was saying, "He's Jew-ish."

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[laughter]

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You may have noticed that I said,

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"In the five years my wife and I dated
before we got married,"

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the only mistake...

81
00:03:40,178 --> 00:03:42,055
the only mistakeI made with my wife

82
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is that I made her wait five years
before I married her.

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That is too long
for a woman of her caliber.

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I made a mistake.

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I also appreciate right now
that if you're watching this

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with a woman you have dated
for five or more years,

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I have ruined your night.

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[laughter]

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Right now, you are staring at me,

90
00:04:03,076 --> 00:04:04,494
but you can tell...

91
00:04:05,328 --> 00:04:07,372
that she is staring at you.

92
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[laughter]

93
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[cheering and applause]

94
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It gets awkward.

95
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The longer you go,
the more awkward it gets.

96
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[laughter]

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We were together for four years.

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We were trying to figure out what to do
for my wife's birthday.

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We decided to go to Europe. She said,
"Where do you think we should go?"

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I said, "Why don't we go to Prague?
We've never been to Prague.

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I heard it's amazing. Let's go to Prague."

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She said, "We could do that.
Or we could go to Paris.

103
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I know we've been to Paris before,
but we have such a nice time in Paris."

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I said, "Hey, it's your birthday.

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If you want to go to Paris,
let's go to Paris."

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We go to Paris,
and the first night in Paris,

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my wife is more miserable
than I've ever seen her.

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And finally, I said,
"Why are you so upset?"

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And she said,
"Every one of my friends said,

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'If he's bringing you to Paris
for your birthday,

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he is going to propose.'"

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[audience] Oh!

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To which I said,
"Did you fucking tell them about Prague?!

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[laughter]

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Did you tell them
my opening offer was Prague?

116
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A place where, famously,
no one gets engaged."

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[laughter]

118
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No one has ever said, "Look what happened
in the Czech Republic."

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[laughter]

120
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But shame on me.

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You cannot bring a woman who is expecting
an engagement ring to Paris.

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It is too romantic a place for that.

123
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At one point, we were crossing a bridge
going over the River Seine,

124
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and my passport fell out of my pocket.

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And I looked down,

126
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and I realized it would be easier
to kick it into the river...

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[laughter]

128
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and replace it at the embassy...

129
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[laughter]

130
00:05:47,680 --> 00:05:51,100
than it would be to take a knee in Paris
without an engagement ring.

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[laughter]

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[applause]

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Like, "Oh! We live here!

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We live here now.

135
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[applause]

136
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We live here."

137
00:06:01,986 --> 00:06:03,154
[applause continues]

138
00:06:04,072 --> 00:06:06,908
But I finally wised up,
and after five years, I proposed,

139
00:06:06,991 --> 00:06:09,786
and my wife planned
the most amazing wedding.

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She was very sweet,

141
00:06:11,120 --> 00:06:14,540
because she tried to involve me
in the planning of the wedding

142
00:06:14,916 --> 00:06:18,086
by asking me questions,
but I kept getting the questions wrong.

143
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[laughter]

144
00:06:19,587 --> 00:06:22,673
For example, she said,
"Hey, for the wedding invitations,

145
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I was thinking, since we're
getting married near a lighthouse,

146
00:06:25,927 --> 00:06:28,888
it might be cool
to get a lighthouse embossed

147
00:06:28,971 --> 00:06:31,158
on the back of the wedding envelopes.
What do you think?

148
00:06:31,182 --> 00:06:33,935
It's a little bit more expensive,
but I think it'd be really nice."

149
00:06:34,018 --> 00:06:35,338
And I said, "I have to be honest,

150
00:06:35,395 --> 00:06:39,524
I don't think people look at things
like the back of wedding envelopes.

151
00:06:41,067 --> 00:06:43,820
And if it's more expensive,
it's probably not worth it."

152
00:06:44,404 --> 00:06:46,864
And then, I could tell from her expression

153
00:06:46,948 --> 00:06:49,075
that what had happened was...

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is she had phrased a statement
in the form of a question.

155
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[laughter]

156
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And the punctuation was purely ornamental.

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[laughter]

158
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But instead of giving up on me,

159
00:07:05,049 --> 00:07:07,051
she just made the questions easier.

160
00:07:07,135 --> 00:07:08,344
[laughter]

161
00:07:08,428 --> 00:07:11,556
She was really holding onto this idea
that I would help her plan the wedding.

162
00:07:11,639 --> 00:07:13,307
So she would say things like, "Hey,

163
00:07:13,391 --> 00:07:15,560
what do you think we should do for food
at our wedding?

164
00:07:15,643 --> 00:07:18,688
Do you think we should have it
professionally catered, or...

165
00:07:18,771 --> 00:07:21,149
do you think we should have a trash can
full of Wendy's

166
00:07:21,232 --> 00:07:22,775
in the middle of the dance floor?"

167
00:07:22,859 --> 00:07:24,110
[laughter]

168
00:07:28,781 --> 00:07:30,700
And I'd think about it, and I'd say,

169
00:07:31,576 --> 00:07:34,078
"I think we should have it
professionally catered."

170
00:07:34,829 --> 00:07:38,082
And she'd say,
"Look who's planning a wedding!

171
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[laughter]

172
00:07:39,834 --> 00:07:42,503
My little wedding planner
right over there!"

173
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[applause]

174
00:07:45,381 --> 00:07:49,177
So, she plans, uh,
this amazing, uh, wedding.

175
00:07:49,635 --> 00:07:52,680
And then, uh, at the rehearsal dinner,
night before the wedding,

176
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uh, my wife got food poisoning.

177
00:07:54,348 --> 00:07:55,183
[audience] Oh!

178
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That is the accurate reaction
to that piece of news.

179
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We're at the rehearsal dinner,
it's a wonderful night,

180
00:08:00,855 --> 00:08:03,691
but my wife does not look well,
and I say, "What's wrong?"

181
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And she said,
"I think I have food poisoning."

182
00:08:07,361 --> 00:08:11,115
And so, then, I did something, uh,
called mansplaining.

183
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And...

184
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Uh, if you don't know
what that is, uh, ladies...

185
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[laughter]

186
00:08:17,330 --> 00:08:19,332
[cheering and applause]

187
00:08:19,415 --> 00:08:20,791
It is when...

188
00:08:21,959 --> 00:08:25,546
a man with no shared experience
to what you're going through

189
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tells you what's actually happening.

190
00:08:27,715 --> 00:08:28,841
[laughter]

191
00:08:30,259 --> 00:08:32,595
And so, I said to my wife,
"You do not have food poisoning.

192
00:08:32,678 --> 00:08:35,806
What you have is something called
the wedding jitters.

193
00:08:36,349 --> 00:08:39,393
You're gonna go back to your parents'
house, I'm gonna go to the hotel.

194
00:08:39,477 --> 00:08:41,663
In the morning, I'm gonna call,
you're gonna feel great,

195
00:08:41,687 --> 00:08:44,247
and we're gonna have this amazing wedding
that you have planned."

196
00:08:44,273 --> 00:08:45,191
And so, we did that,

197
00:08:45,274 --> 00:08:47,961
and the next morning I called her,
and I said, "How are you feeling?"

198
00:08:47,985 --> 00:08:51,614
And she said, "I'm at the emergency room
because I have fucking food poisoning."

199
00:08:51,697 --> 00:08:52,907
[laughter]

200
00:08:57,787 --> 00:09:00,456
So, I'm driving to the hospital
the morning of my wedding,

201
00:09:00,540 --> 00:09:03,918
and I'm thinking to myself, "Oh, my God.
I hope she doesn't die for two reasons.

202
00:09:04,001 --> 00:09:04,835
One...

203
00:09:04,919 --> 00:09:05,836
[laughter]

204
00:09:05,920 --> 00:09:07,600
I love her more than anything
in the world.

205
00:09:07,630 --> 00:09:09,924
I cannot imagine living another day
without her."

206
00:09:10,007 --> 00:09:12,134
Two, I couldn't help but think,

207
00:09:12,218 --> 00:09:15,429
if your wife dies
of any kind of poisoning...

208
00:09:15,513 --> 00:09:16,889
[laughter]

209
00:09:17,557 --> 00:09:19,308
morning of the wedding...

210
00:09:19,392 --> 00:09:20,518
[laughter]

211
00:09:20,601 --> 00:09:22,436
you're gonna be a suspect.

212
00:09:22,520 --> 00:09:23,813
[laughter]

213
00:09:25,439 --> 00:09:27,108
And even once they clear you,

214
00:09:27,191 --> 00:09:30,778
that's a real shadow
for the rest of your dating life.

215
00:09:30,861 --> 00:09:32,196
[laughter]

216
00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:35,408
"Were you ever married?"
"Almost. Died, morning of. Poisoned.

217
00:09:35,491 --> 00:09:36,491
Anyway...

218
00:09:36,534 --> 00:09:38,035
[laughter]

219
00:09:38,119 --> 00:09:39,620
Can I make you another drink?"

220
00:09:39,704 --> 00:09:40,997
[laughter]

221
00:09:45,459 --> 00:09:48,170
There's one thing I feel terrible about,
which is this.

222
00:09:48,796 --> 00:09:51,215
I felt so bad for my wife,
and the whole time I was thinking,

223
00:09:51,299 --> 00:09:54,552
I'm so angry that it's her and not me.
That's really not fair.

224
00:09:54,635 --> 00:09:56,470
A bride should feel great
on her wedding day,

225
00:09:56,554 --> 00:09:58,180
but there was one thing that made me...

226
00:09:58,598 --> 00:09:59,640
a little happy...

227
00:10:00,266 --> 00:10:02,351
that it was her, which is this. About...

228
00:10:02,852 --> 00:10:04,812
a month before our wedding,
my wife said to me,

229
00:10:04,895 --> 00:10:09,066
"Hey, I think, at our wedding,
we should do a choreographed first dance."

230
00:10:10,860 --> 00:10:13,696
The only person I know who's
a worse dancer than I am is my wife.

231
00:10:13,779 --> 00:10:15,031
[laughter]

232
00:10:17,450 --> 00:10:20,244
But because "Envelope-gate"
had just happened...

233
00:10:20,328 --> 00:10:21,704
[laughter]

234
00:10:22,121 --> 00:10:24,832
instead of saying,
"I think that's a terrible idea."

235
00:10:24,915 --> 00:10:27,084
I said to her,
"I think that's a great idea.

236
00:10:27,668 --> 00:10:30,630
And I think that not one
of the over 100 professional comedians

237
00:10:30,713 --> 00:10:31,631
at our wedding...

238
00:10:31,714 --> 00:10:33,132
[laughter]

239
00:10:38,054 --> 00:10:40,431
will talk shit about us behind our back...

240
00:10:40,514 --> 00:10:41,766
[laughter]

241
00:10:44,310 --> 00:10:45,895
during our terrible-ass dance."

242
00:10:45,978 --> 00:10:47,104
[laughter]

243
00:10:47,188 --> 00:10:49,482
And we went and we saw a woman,
a choreographer,

244
00:10:49,565 --> 00:10:52,586
and this was her specialty, was to teach
people who did not know how to dance

245
00:10:52,610 --> 00:10:54,362
how to do a first dance at a wedding.

246
00:10:54,445 --> 00:10:56,405
And we went in, and it was the most...

247
00:10:56,489 --> 00:10:58,289
She was the most vibrant person
I've ever met,

248
00:10:58,324 --> 00:11:00,927
and she looked at us and said,
"I know you think you can't do this,

249
00:11:00,951 --> 00:11:02,351
but I promise you, you can do this.

250
00:11:02,411 --> 00:11:05,432
If you put the same commitment to this
as you're about to give to each other,

251
00:11:05,456 --> 00:11:06,896
this will be the most amazing thing.

252
00:11:06,957 --> 00:11:09,936
And when you do this dance, your family,
your friends, all of them will say,

253
00:11:09,960 --> 00:11:12,213
'You are a perfect couple.'"

254
00:11:12,296 --> 00:11:14,215
And we bought in. Guys, we bought in.

255
00:11:14,298 --> 00:11:15,298
[laughter]

256
00:11:15,341 --> 00:11:18,344
And we said, "You know what, lady?
You won us over. Let's do it."

257
00:11:18,427 --> 00:11:20,930
And after a full hour
of dancing with this woman,

258
00:11:21,013 --> 00:11:23,015
her soul had died.

259
00:11:23,099 --> 00:11:24,225
[laughter]

260
00:11:26,352 --> 00:11:29,188
I've never seen a person
look more hopeless.

261
00:11:29,814 --> 00:11:32,191
She looked the way
an emergency room doctor would look

262
00:11:32,274 --> 00:11:36,070
if you just ran in with a bunch of bones
and said, "Help my grandpa!

263
00:11:36,153 --> 00:11:37,405
[laughter]

264
00:11:39,990 --> 00:11:41,117
Stay with us!"

265
00:11:44,078 --> 00:11:45,078
My wife's not here,

266
00:11:45,121 --> 00:11:48,249
but this is one of the moves
of the wedding dance that I remember.

267
00:11:48,332 --> 00:11:50,418
See if you can imagine this.

268
00:11:51,377 --> 00:11:52,878
[laughter]

269
00:11:55,715 --> 00:11:59,468
If I did that better than anyone on Earth,
it would be the worst thing I ever did.

270
00:11:59,552 --> 00:12:01,053
[laughter]

271
00:12:01,137 --> 00:12:04,598
So, as we're leaving the ER, after my wife
has been pumped full of fluids,

272
00:12:04,682 --> 00:12:06,600
and my wife is a superhero who's rallied

273
00:12:06,684 --> 00:12:08,644
and was about to actually have
a great wedding,

274
00:12:08,728 --> 00:12:10,168
she turns to me in the car and says,

275
00:12:10,229 --> 00:12:12,229
"I think I don't feel well enough
to do the dance."

276
00:12:12,273 --> 00:12:14,193
And I will tell you
that Daniel Day-Lewis himself

277
00:12:14,275 --> 00:12:16,736
would've tipped his cap
at the delivery I gave.

278
00:12:16,819 --> 00:12:18,112
[laughter]

279
00:12:19,321 --> 00:12:21,991
When I looked at her
with the hands on the wheel,

280
00:12:22,074 --> 00:12:24,034
and I said, "That is so unfair."

281
00:12:24,118 --> 00:12:25,619
[laughter]

282
00:12:30,624 --> 00:12:34,670
Now we're married, we have two kids,
a three-year-old and a one-year-old.

283
00:12:34,754 --> 00:12:36,130
And it's great having two kids.

284
00:12:36,213 --> 00:12:39,341
It's a lot, but also,
you're a little bit more relaxed,

285
00:12:39,425 --> 00:12:40,665
because the more kids you have,

286
00:12:40,718 --> 00:12:42,845
the more resilient
you realize children are.

287
00:12:42,928 --> 00:12:46,515
Uh, now, we don't panic
every time we hear a "thunk."

288
00:12:47,475 --> 00:12:50,811
For those of you who don't have kids,
a thunk is the sound of a toddler's head

289
00:12:50,895 --> 00:12:51,979
hitting the ground.

290
00:12:52,062 --> 00:12:53,689
[laughter]

291
00:12:53,773 --> 00:12:55,983
And when you first hear it,
when you only have one kid,

292
00:12:56,066 --> 00:12:57,735
you panic every time you hear it.

293
00:12:57,818 --> 00:12:59,528
But then, you grow to learn

294
00:12:59,612 --> 00:13:02,364
that a toddler's head
is so close to the ground that...

295
00:13:03,032 --> 00:13:05,117
it can't reach terminal velocity.

296
00:13:05,201 --> 00:13:06,619
[laughter]

297
00:13:08,287 --> 00:13:11,874
The thunk is either followed by the sound
of your kid just getting up

298
00:13:11,957 --> 00:13:14,376
and going, doing whatever
he was doing pre-thunk.

299
00:13:14,460 --> 00:13:15,503
[laughter]

300
00:13:15,586 --> 00:13:18,672
Or they start to cry, more often than not,
because they've scared themselves.

301
00:13:18,756 --> 00:13:20,942
The other day, I was upstairs
and my wife was downstairs

302
00:13:20,966 --> 00:13:21,967
with one of our boys,

303
00:13:22,051 --> 00:13:24,136
and I heard the thunk, followed by a cry.

304
00:13:24,220 --> 00:13:27,264
And I realized, that provided me
with an opportunity

305
00:13:27,348 --> 00:13:31,477
to go downstairs and behave the way
I want my wife to behave

306
00:13:31,560 --> 00:13:33,354
when the thunk is my fault.

307
00:13:33,437 --> 00:13:34,855
[laughter]

308
00:13:35,606 --> 00:13:39,068
'Cause this was clearly on her watch
that the thunk happened.

309
00:13:39,485 --> 00:13:41,987
So, I came downstairs
and she was comforting our son.

310
00:13:42,071 --> 00:13:45,407
And I said to her, "He's fine.
He's just scared. Don't blame yourself."

311
00:13:45,491 --> 00:13:48,494
And my wife looked at me and said,
"He was actually going down that step

312
00:13:48,577 --> 00:13:49,662
I always warn him about.

313
00:13:49,745 --> 00:13:53,332
And I thought if I just let him fall,
maybe he'll learn his lesson."

314
00:13:53,582 --> 00:13:58,045
And all I could think was the fucking look
she would've given me.

315
00:13:58,128 --> 00:13:59,421
[laughter]

316
00:14:02,550 --> 00:14:03,550
[woman cheers]

317
00:14:08,389 --> 00:14:10,724
We've got two now,
we're a little more loose with it.

318
00:14:10,808 --> 00:14:13,477
You know, we've realized now
we don't like hanging out with friends

319
00:14:13,561 --> 00:14:16,146
that just have one toddler,
they're too stressed out.

320
00:14:16,230 --> 00:14:18,710
We also don't like hanging out
with friends that also have two.

321
00:14:18,774 --> 00:14:20,014
There's just too much going on.

322
00:14:20,067 --> 00:14:23,362
We like hanging out with people
who have three or more kids.

323
00:14:23,445 --> 00:14:24,572
[laughter]

324
00:14:24,655 --> 00:14:28,701
Because people with three or more kids
are so Zen and checked out.

325
00:14:28,784 --> 00:14:30,244
[laughter]

326
00:14:30,327 --> 00:14:32,746
They are so checked out.

327
00:14:33,581 --> 00:14:37,877
There could not be a sound loud enough
from the other room...

328
00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:39,169
[laughter]

329
00:14:39,253 --> 00:14:43,048
that will make them
put down their CBD-infused Pinot Grigio.

330
00:14:43,132 --> 00:14:44,508
[laughter]

331
00:14:45,801 --> 00:14:46,802
[cheering and applause]

332
00:14:46,886 --> 00:14:47,886
You can hear...

333
00:14:48,387 --> 00:14:51,348
just a grandfather clock
come crashing down,

334
00:14:51,432 --> 00:14:53,112
and they're like,
"Watch it in there, guys.

335
00:14:53,142 --> 00:14:55,060
They're kids. They're fine. They're kids."

336
00:14:55,144 --> 00:14:56,186
[laughter]

337
00:14:56,270 --> 00:14:58,939
Somebody runs in, is like,
"A raccoon bit me!"

338
00:14:59,023 --> 00:15:01,710
They're like, "Did you bite 'em back?
They're kids. They gotta learn.

339
00:15:01,734 --> 00:15:02,568
They're kids."

340
00:15:02,651 --> 00:15:03,777
[laughter]

341
00:15:06,238 --> 00:15:08,991
I'm fascinated
by the youngest of three kids.

342
00:15:09,408 --> 00:15:11,785
They're so much more interesting
than the other kids.

343
00:15:11,869 --> 00:15:12,703
[laughter]

344
00:15:12,786 --> 00:15:15,956
They're so resourceful and self-reliant

345
00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:18,709
because they've received
so much less attention in their lives.

346
00:15:18,792 --> 00:15:19,627
[laughter]

347
00:15:19,710 --> 00:15:21,921
They've figured out everything
on their own.

348
00:15:22,254 --> 00:15:25,525
You know, when you have one two-year-old,
they're crying for you to make a smoothie.

349
00:15:25,549 --> 00:15:28,636
When your third is two years old,
they make the smoothie.

350
00:15:28,719 --> 00:15:29,887
[laughter]

351
00:15:29,970 --> 00:15:33,098
They just walk into the kitchen,
drag in a stool, get up on top of it,

352
00:15:33,182 --> 00:15:35,309
start throwing bananas into a blender.

353
00:15:35,935 --> 00:15:37,175
And it's not even your blender.

354
00:15:37,227 --> 00:15:40,189
It's a blender they bought
from a job they have on the side.

355
00:15:40,272 --> 00:15:41,190
[laughter]

356
00:15:41,273 --> 00:15:42,441
[cheering and applause]

357
00:15:43,067 --> 00:15:45,736
And the parents know
that they get things done,

358
00:15:45,819 --> 00:15:49,990
and so, the parents take advantage of them
and treat 'em like a tiny monkey butler.

359
00:15:50,074 --> 00:15:51,408
[laughter]

360
00:15:51,742 --> 00:15:53,661
"Tyler, we're out of beers!"

361
00:15:53,744 --> 00:15:55,162
And he just comes in with...

362
00:15:55,245 --> 00:15:56,497
[laughter]

363
00:15:56,580 --> 00:16:00,125
Coronas on a tray and limes in the tops.

364
00:16:00,209 --> 00:16:03,295
And they're verbally advanced,
so much more verbally advanced

365
00:16:03,379 --> 00:16:06,358
than their siblings were at that age,
and at the end of the night, they say,

366
00:16:06,382 --> 00:16:09,093
"Well, if that's everything,
I'm gonna put myself down.

367
00:16:09,176 --> 00:16:10,469
[laughter]

368
00:16:12,638 --> 00:16:14,348
I can feel myself getting a little cranky

369
00:16:14,431 --> 00:16:17,309
and I certainly don't want any of you
to have to see that.

370
00:16:17,393 --> 00:16:18,811
[laughter]

371
00:16:19,937 --> 00:16:22,189
If you need anything else,
my older sister, Becky,

372
00:16:22,272 --> 00:16:23,941
is here to help you. Good night."

373
00:16:24,024 --> 00:16:25,150
[laughter]

374
00:16:25,234 --> 00:16:26,360
[applause]

375
00:16:27,069 --> 00:16:28,737
[cheering and applause]

376
00:16:31,907 --> 00:16:33,117
We are, um...

377
00:16:34,576 --> 00:16:36,930
We're thinking about a third.
We are thinking about a third.

378
00:16:36,954 --> 00:16:39,034
Our biggest hesitation
is that when you have a child,

379
00:16:39,081 --> 00:16:41,250
you have to give birth to a child,
and we...

380
00:16:41,583 --> 00:16:43,836
We've had very dramatic birth stories...

381
00:16:43,919 --> 00:16:44,753
[laughter]

382
00:16:44,837 --> 00:16:47,339
so far in the old Meyers family.

383
00:16:47,423 --> 00:16:53,470
Our first boy was almost born
in the backseat of an Uber.

384
00:16:54,179 --> 00:16:57,599
My wife started having contractions,
they started moving so quickly.

385
00:16:57,683 --> 00:16:58,976
We called our doctor to explain.

386
00:16:59,059 --> 00:17:01,413
He said, "You have to come right now."
We got into the Uber.

387
00:17:01,437 --> 00:17:04,148
And on the way to hospital,
my wife was in so much pain

388
00:17:04,231 --> 00:17:06,817
that she was on all fours
in the backseat of the Uber

389
00:17:06,900 --> 00:17:08,485
with her head out the window...

390
00:17:09,278 --> 00:17:11,613
screaming, "I do not like this."

391
00:17:11,697 --> 00:17:12,948
[laughter]

392
00:17:19,079 --> 00:17:21,915
Being very economical
with her word choice.

393
00:17:21,999 --> 00:17:23,292
[laughter]

394
00:17:23,834 --> 00:17:26,587
Also, in any other city in America,

395
00:17:26,670 --> 00:17:28,672
if someone's yelling,
"I do not like this,"

396
00:17:28,756 --> 00:17:29,965
out the window of a car,

397
00:17:30,049 --> 00:17:32,176
it is an abduction taking place.

398
00:17:32,259 --> 00:17:33,802
[laughter]

399
00:17:33,886 --> 00:17:36,889
In New York City, nobody blinks an eye.

400
00:17:36,972 --> 00:17:38,640
[laughter]

401
00:17:39,266 --> 00:17:42,394
See, we weren't on highways.
We were, like, stopped at stop lights.

402
00:17:42,478 --> 00:17:44,358
And my wife was screaming,
"I do not like this,"

403
00:17:44,438 --> 00:17:46,358
and old women were, like,
crossing the crosswalk,

404
00:17:46,398 --> 00:17:48,734
saying, "It's New York City.
Nobody likes it."

405
00:17:48,817 --> 00:17:50,069
[laughter]

406
00:17:51,945 --> 00:17:53,906
And we got to the hospital,
my wife gave birth

407
00:17:53,989 --> 00:17:57,242
15 minutes after we got to the hospital,
15 minutes after we got there.

408
00:17:57,326 --> 00:18:00,454
And I had not decided
where I was gonna watch from.

409
00:18:00,537 --> 00:18:03,832
I had not decided vantage point,
and then, things were moving so fast

410
00:18:03,916 --> 00:18:06,710
that I just watched it all,
and I'm so glad I did.

411
00:18:06,794 --> 00:18:09,606
It truly was one of the most beautiful
things I've ever seen in my life.

412
00:18:09,630 --> 00:18:13,383
It truly was stunningly beautiful
to watch my son being born.

413
00:18:13,467 --> 00:18:15,594
I have since seen a still photo of it.

414
00:18:15,677 --> 00:18:16,677
Horror show.

415
00:18:16,720 --> 00:18:18,180
[laughter]

416
00:18:23,185 --> 00:18:24,937
But good when it was, like, moving.

417
00:18:25,020 --> 00:18:25,854
[laughter]

418
00:18:25,938 --> 00:18:27,064
So, anyways...

419
00:18:28,273 --> 00:18:31,693
we almost have our first kid in an Uber.

420
00:18:31,777 --> 00:18:36,031
And despite that, our second baby was born
in the lobby of our apartment building.

421
00:18:36,115 --> 00:18:37,866
[laughter]

422
00:18:37,950 --> 00:18:39,910
And guys, I know you're judging me
right now.

423
00:18:39,993 --> 00:18:44,498
Like, "How could you have your baby born
in the lobby of your apartment building

424
00:18:44,581 --> 00:18:45,821
after what happened last time?"

425
00:18:45,874 --> 00:18:48,752
But we were on our toes
based on what had happened last time.

426
00:18:48,836 --> 00:18:50,316
Once again, the contractions started.

427
00:18:50,379 --> 00:18:52,379
We didn't wait a second,
we didn't call the doctor.

428
00:18:52,422 --> 00:18:55,801
We went downstairs into our lobby
and we started walking out to the car.

429
00:18:55,884 --> 00:18:59,054
And all of a sudden, at the door,
my wife stopped and turned to me

430
00:18:59,138 --> 00:19:00,973
and said, "The baby is here."

431
00:19:01,056 --> 00:19:02,599
[laughter]

432
00:19:03,350 --> 00:19:04,351
Subtle.

433
00:19:04,434 --> 00:19:05,561
Nuanced.

434
00:19:06,103 --> 00:19:09,231
From the people who brought you,
"I do not like this"...

435
00:19:09,314 --> 00:19:10,691
[laughter]

436
00:19:10,774 --> 00:19:11,817
[cheering]

437
00:19:11,900 --> 00:19:13,527
"The baby is here."

438
00:19:13,610 --> 00:19:14,862
[applause]

439
00:19:17,573 --> 00:19:21,577
And so, once again,
I go to my old standby of mansplaining...

440
00:19:21,660 --> 00:19:23,120
[laughter]

441
00:19:23,203 --> 00:19:24,705
which, if you ladies forgot...

442
00:19:24,788 --> 00:19:26,123
[laughter]

443
00:19:27,833 --> 00:19:30,669
is when a man uses no shared experience,

444
00:19:31,253 --> 00:19:33,005
and says to his wife,

445
00:19:33,213 --> 00:19:34,923
"The baby is not here.

446
00:19:35,007 --> 00:19:36,341
[laughter]

447
00:19:37,301 --> 00:19:39,428
You only think the baby is here.

448
00:19:39,511 --> 00:19:42,764
We have more than enough time
to make it to the hospital.

449
00:19:43,140 --> 00:19:45,934
Take it from me,
a man who has also had a baby

450
00:19:46,018 --> 00:19:47,394
out of his vagina."

451
00:19:47,477 --> 00:19:48,937
[laughter]

452
00:19:51,732 --> 00:19:54,651
And my wife looks back at me and says,
"The baby is here."

453
00:19:54,735 --> 00:19:56,195
And I looked down,

454
00:19:56,278 --> 00:19:59,364
and the only way to describe what I saw...

455
00:19:59,448 --> 00:20:02,701
It looked like my wife was trying
to smuggle a baby

456
00:20:03,118 --> 00:20:04,786
in a pair of sweatpants.

457
00:20:04,870 --> 00:20:06,371
[laughter]

458
00:20:06,455 --> 00:20:09,374
It was like,
"Oh! That can only be one thing!"

459
00:20:09,458 --> 00:20:10,667
[laughter]

460
00:20:11,168 --> 00:20:14,379
It was like a velour boa constrictor

461
00:20:15,130 --> 00:20:16,298
ate a baby.

462
00:20:16,381 --> 00:20:17,716
[laughter]

463
00:20:22,262 --> 00:20:23,096
[woman cheers]

464
00:20:23,180 --> 00:20:24,973
And so, then my wife doubles back.

465
00:20:25,474 --> 00:20:28,268
And I would describe her gait
as the way you would walk

466
00:20:28,352 --> 00:20:30,854
if you had a wet grocery bag
full of oranges.

467
00:20:30,938 --> 00:20:33,523
Like, "Okay, where...

468
00:20:34,274 --> 00:20:38,237
Would love to find a place
to put this down.

469
00:20:38,820 --> 00:20:41,740
If there was anywhere to put this down."

470
00:20:41,823 --> 00:20:42,866
[laughter]

471
00:20:42,950 --> 00:20:45,619
And we basically had two choices
of where to go at that point.

472
00:20:45,702 --> 00:20:49,248
We could either get back on the elevator
or go to the lobby.

473
00:20:49,331 --> 00:20:50,791
Terrible options...

474
00:20:50,874 --> 00:20:51,708
[laughter]

475
00:20:51,792 --> 00:20:53,752
if what you want is a hospital.

476
00:20:54,211 --> 00:20:56,129
Neither of those are even close
to a hospital.

477
00:20:56,213 --> 00:20:57,923
That would be like if you said to someone,

478
00:20:58,006 --> 00:21:00,425
"Hey, do you have an iPhone charger
I can borrow?"

479
00:21:00,509 --> 00:21:03,679
And they said, "No, but I have
a grapefruit and a sombrero."

480
00:21:03,762 --> 00:21:05,138
[laughter]

481
00:21:07,849 --> 00:21:09,768
You would say, "Just fucking say no."

482
00:21:09,851 --> 00:21:10,851
[laughter]

483
00:21:11,270 --> 00:21:12,479
So, my wife chooses lobby,

484
00:21:12,562 --> 00:21:15,190
and my wife goes down
and she lies on her back in the lobby.

485
00:21:15,274 --> 00:21:20,362
And I cannot stress to you
how quickly she gave birth to our son.

486
00:21:20,821 --> 00:21:22,614
I was on the phone with 911,

487
00:21:22,698 --> 00:21:25,659
and this was the extent
of my conversation with 911.

488
00:21:25,742 --> 00:21:29,538
"We're about to have a baby.
We're having a baby. We had a baby."

489
00:21:29,621 --> 00:21:30,956
[laughter]

490
00:21:34,501 --> 00:21:38,797
And let me tell you, it is very strange
to be on a 911 call

491
00:21:38,880 --> 00:21:42,134
that ends with the operator saying,
"Congratulations!"

492
00:21:42,217 --> 00:21:43,468
[laughter]

493
00:21:43,552 --> 00:21:45,012
[applause]

494
00:21:45,095 --> 00:21:46,138
[cheering]

495
00:21:46,221 --> 00:21:48,682
Almost never happens. Almost unheard of.

496
00:21:48,765 --> 00:21:49,975
[cheering and applause]

497
00:21:50,058 --> 00:21:52,894
You might be saying to yourself,
"Seth, you just told us

498
00:21:52,978 --> 00:21:55,981
that you watched the birth
of your first child from a vantage point,

499
00:21:56,064 --> 00:21:58,191
wherein you might actually
have learned something

500
00:21:58,275 --> 00:22:00,694
that would be helpful
in the birth of your second child.

501
00:22:00,777 --> 00:22:03,196
Hopefully, you're about to tell us
how helpful you were."

502
00:22:03,280 --> 00:22:04,406
Sadly, I am not.

503
00:22:05,699 --> 00:22:09,453
I stood with my back against the wall,
mouth agape,

504
00:22:09,536 --> 00:22:12,956
as my wife Lion King-ed her own baby.

505
00:22:13,040 --> 00:22:14,708
[laughter]

506
00:22:16,084 --> 00:22:17,627
[cheering and applause]

507
00:22:20,797 --> 00:22:22,049
[whistling]

508
00:22:23,342 --> 00:22:24,384
She played...

509
00:22:25,135 --> 00:22:26,470
She played two roles.

510
00:22:26,553 --> 00:22:29,473
She was Simba's mom
and that weird old monkey.

511
00:22:29,556 --> 00:22:30,849
[laughter]

512
00:22:32,768 --> 00:22:34,448
You know, I think we all think
of ourselves

513
00:22:34,478 --> 00:22:36,063
as the heroes in our own story.

514
00:22:36,146 --> 00:22:38,482
You see your entire life
from your perspective.

515
00:22:38,565 --> 00:22:40,275
And yet, there's never in my life

516
00:22:40,359 --> 00:22:44,446
been a moment where I've felt
more like the sidekick to someone else

517
00:22:44,529 --> 00:22:48,075
than when I stood there
and watched my wife deliver our child,

518
00:22:48,158 --> 00:22:49,826
which made the next moment

519
00:22:49,910 --> 00:22:52,621
one of the more harrowing moments
of my life.

520
00:22:52,704 --> 00:22:55,749
Because in every day
of the past nine months,

521
00:22:55,832 --> 00:23:00,670
my wife had said to me, "Make sure
you have the doctor's phone number

522
00:23:00,754 --> 00:23:01,838
in your phone."

523
00:23:02,839 --> 00:23:04,633
So, imagine how I felt...

524
00:23:04,716 --> 00:23:06,093
[laughter]

525
00:23:06,176 --> 00:23:09,554
having watched my wife do
what she just did,

526
00:23:10,097 --> 00:23:12,599
to have her look at me and say,
"Call the doctor,"

527
00:23:12,974 --> 00:23:14,684
and I had to look back at her and say,

528
00:23:15,185 --> 00:23:16,436
"Do you have his number?"

529
00:23:16,520 --> 00:23:17,687
[laughter]

530
00:23:25,237 --> 00:23:27,114
[stammers] I had 911!

531
00:23:27,197 --> 00:23:28,573
[laughter]

532
00:23:31,535 --> 00:23:34,746
The other thing that was crazy is,
within 15 minutes of my son being born,

533
00:23:34,830 --> 00:23:39,376
there were, uh, five firemen
and seven police officers in our lobby.

534
00:23:39,960 --> 00:23:43,296
And, uh, that was weird for me,
because, uh, I think, as a dad,

535
00:23:43,380 --> 00:23:46,067
you're hopeful that until your kids
are seven, eight, nine years old,

536
00:23:46,091 --> 00:23:47,968
you will be the coolest man
they ever meet.

537
00:23:48,051 --> 00:23:49,051
[laughter]

538
00:23:49,261 --> 00:23:51,596
And yet, I feel,
a full 15 minutes into my son's life,

539
00:23:51,680 --> 00:23:53,640
he was looking around being like, "Man,

540
00:23:53,974 --> 00:23:56,726
I really hope my dad
is one of these 12 kick-ass dudes.

541
00:23:56,810 --> 00:23:58,103
[laughter]

542
00:24:00,313 --> 00:24:02,065
Not that scared guy in the corner.

543
00:24:02,149 --> 00:24:03,483
[laughter]

544
00:24:06,695 --> 00:24:09,364
Looking in a phone for a number
he knows isn't there.

545
00:24:09,448 --> 00:24:10,782
[laughter]

546
00:24:13,368 --> 00:24:16,538
Is he Googling, 'Baby doctor New York?'"

547
00:24:16,621 --> 00:24:18,206
[laughter]

548
00:24:22,377 --> 00:24:23,462
They were...

549
00:24:24,588 --> 00:24:25,672
They were so professional.

550
00:24:25,755 --> 00:24:27,924
If any of them recognized me,

551
00:24:28,008 --> 00:24:30,051
none of them said a word
until the last minute,

552
00:24:30,135 --> 00:24:32,596
because as we were loading my wife
into the ambulance,

553
00:24:32,679 --> 00:24:34,097
the last fireman was walking by,

554
00:24:34,181 --> 00:24:36,349
and as he passed me,
he whispered in my ear,

555
00:24:36,433 --> 00:24:38,113
"Guess you got your monologue
for tonight."

556
00:24:38,143 --> 00:24:40,020
- I was like, "I do. Thank you.
- [laughter]

557
00:24:40,103 --> 00:24:41,104
Thank you. I do."

558
00:24:41,188 --> 00:24:42,564
[cheering and applause]

559
00:24:49,613 --> 00:24:52,324
You may be wondering,
I don't blame you for wondering,

560
00:24:52,407 --> 00:24:56,661
you may be asking,
"Is it possible to love a lobby baby

561
00:24:56,745 --> 00:24:58,288
as much as a hospital baby?"

562
00:24:58,371 --> 00:24:59,581
[laughter]

563
00:25:01,458 --> 00:25:02,292
It is.

564
00:25:02,375 --> 00:25:03,210
[laughter]

565
00:25:03,293 --> 00:25:04,586
Over time, it is.

566
00:25:04,669 --> 00:25:05,921
[laughter]

567
00:25:06,004 --> 00:25:08,965
In fact, the only relationship
that changed

568
00:25:09,049 --> 00:25:11,426
based on the fact
that we had a baby in a lobby

569
00:25:11,510 --> 00:25:14,930
is our relationship with the two doormen
who were on duty that night.

570
00:25:15,263 --> 00:25:16,890
And it changed in very different ways.

571
00:25:16,973 --> 00:25:19,017
Ramone is now like family.

572
00:25:19,100 --> 00:25:21,686
Ramone feels like he was there
for a magical moment.

573
00:25:21,770 --> 00:25:24,814
He feels closer to us
than anyone else in the building.

574
00:25:24,898 --> 00:25:27,609
Every time he sees our son,
his face lights up.

575
00:25:27,692 --> 00:25:30,987
Kevin cannot make eye contact
with my wife.

576
00:25:31,071 --> 00:25:32,280
[laughter]

577
00:25:37,452 --> 00:25:41,623
Kevin is definitely giving off
a "I've-seen-your-wife's-vagina" vibe.

578
00:25:41,706 --> 00:25:42,916
[laughter]

579
00:25:44,960 --> 00:25:48,296
The other crazy thing about being a dad

580
00:25:48,380 --> 00:25:50,340
is you just aren't a dad,
and then you are.

581
00:25:50,423 --> 00:25:51,423
It changes immediately.

582
00:25:51,466 --> 00:25:53,066
And I feel like, for a mother, you know,

583
00:25:53,134 --> 00:25:55,428
your body is telling you
that a change is coming.

584
00:25:55,512 --> 00:25:57,782
You feel like a mother
before the moment actually happens.

585
00:25:57,806 --> 00:25:59,808
But you are just not a dad,
and then you are a dad.

586
00:25:59,891 --> 00:26:02,477
And that became very clear to me
after our first son was born.

587
00:26:02,561 --> 00:26:04,729
About two hours after,
we were in the hospital,

588
00:26:04,813 --> 00:26:06,314
and he's asleep and my wife's asleep,

589
00:26:06,398 --> 00:26:08,358
and a nurse brings me
some paperwork to fill out.

590
00:26:08,441 --> 00:26:10,485
And the first question was,
"Mother's name?"

591
00:26:10,569 --> 00:26:11,903
And I put my wife's name.

592
00:26:11,987 --> 00:26:13,667
And then, it said,
"Mother's phone number."

593
00:26:13,697 --> 00:26:15,448
And I put my wife's phone number.

594
00:26:15,532 --> 00:26:17,033
And then, it said, "Father's name."

595
00:26:17,117 --> 00:26:19,411
And I put my wife's father's name.

596
00:26:19,494 --> 00:26:21,162
[laughter]

597
00:26:30,964 --> 00:26:32,644
And then, it said,
"Father's phone number."

598
00:26:32,674 --> 00:26:36,177
And I thought, "Who the fuck knows
their father-in-law's phone number?"

599
00:26:36,261 --> 00:26:37,512
[laughter]

600
00:26:38,847 --> 00:26:41,933
And then, I realized,
"Oh, I'm the father!"

601
00:26:42,017 --> 00:26:43,101
[laughter]

602
00:26:45,687 --> 00:26:48,732
I hope I can be
as good of a father to my kids

603
00:26:48,815 --> 00:26:50,567
as my dad was to me and my brother.

604
00:26:50,650 --> 00:26:51,930
My dad was an incredible father.

605
00:26:52,444 --> 00:26:55,238
So supportive, our best friend,
even to this day.

606
00:26:55,322 --> 00:26:58,617
And there are things
that I want to emulate

607
00:26:58,700 --> 00:26:59,909
in the way that he raised us.

608
00:26:59,993 --> 00:27:01,553
One thing I'm really looking forward to

609
00:27:01,578 --> 00:27:04,539
is trying to be the kind of disciplinarian
that my dad was,

610
00:27:04,623 --> 00:27:06,541
because he really seemed to enjoy it.

611
00:27:06,625 --> 00:27:08,043
[laughter]

612
00:27:08,585 --> 00:27:10,462
He was never physical or threatening.

613
00:27:10,545 --> 00:27:13,340
He used a technique
that I believe cognitive psychologists

614
00:27:13,423 --> 00:27:15,300
would refer to as "mindfuckery."

615
00:27:15,383 --> 00:27:16,760
[laughter]

616
00:27:18,845 --> 00:27:21,198
I remember there was this time
there was a storm in our town

617
00:27:21,222 --> 00:27:22,862
that knocked down a tree in our backyard.

618
00:27:22,891 --> 00:27:25,286
And the town came and took the tree,
but they left the stump.

619
00:27:25,310 --> 00:27:27,030
And my dad thought
the stump was an eyesore,

620
00:27:27,062 --> 00:27:30,440
and it really drove him crazy that he had
this ugly stump in his front lawn.

621
00:27:30,523 --> 00:27:32,400
And so, one day, we were driving to school

622
00:27:32,484 --> 00:27:34,819
and one of our neighbors
had a landscaping crew there.

623
00:27:34,903 --> 00:27:38,281
And my dad stopped the car and he got out,
and he went over to the foreman and said,

624
00:27:38,365 --> 00:27:41,510
"If I gave you 100 bucks, would you get
rid of this stump using your bulldozer?"

625
00:27:41,534 --> 00:27:42,827
The guy said, "I can do that."

626
00:27:42,911 --> 00:27:44,454
Dad took us to school, went to work.

627
00:27:44,537 --> 00:27:46,498
That night he got home,
the stump was still there.

628
00:27:46,581 --> 00:27:47,581
Next day, stopped again.

629
00:27:47,624 --> 00:27:49,810
The guy said, "We got busy.
We'll get rid of the stump."

630
00:27:49,834 --> 00:27:51,674
School, work, came home,
stump was still there.

631
00:27:51,753 --> 00:27:54,172
My dad was so mad
that the stump was still there.

632
00:27:54,255 --> 00:27:55,340
It was all he talked about.

633
00:27:55,423 --> 00:27:59,094
It was the week we found out
the incredibly high bar he had

634
00:27:59,469 --> 00:28:03,807
for the customer service he expected
of under-the-table stump removal.

635
00:28:03,890 --> 00:28:05,183
[laughter]

636
00:28:08,561 --> 00:28:11,648
So, finally, after about a week,
we're driving to school,

637
00:28:11,731 --> 00:28:13,566
and my dad stops the car,

638
00:28:13,650 --> 00:28:15,944
and turns around to my brother and I,
and says,

639
00:28:16,027 --> 00:28:17,612
"Everything's gonna be fine."

640
00:28:17,696 --> 00:28:19,531
Which is a terrifying thing to hear...

641
00:28:19,614 --> 00:28:20,448
[laughter]

642
00:28:20,532 --> 00:28:23,993
if it never even occurred to you
everything would not be fine.

643
00:28:24,744 --> 00:28:28,123
It sounds like a positive thing,
but in context, it's very negative.

644
00:28:28,206 --> 00:28:30,959
It'd be like if a surgeon,
right before you went under, said to you,

645
00:28:31,042 --> 00:28:32,419
"I hope we meet again!"

646
00:28:32,502 --> 00:28:33,795
[laughter]

647
00:28:35,547 --> 00:28:37,347
So, my dad said,
"Everything's gonna be fine."

648
00:28:37,382 --> 00:28:39,467
And he gets out of the car,
and he walks over.

649
00:28:39,551 --> 00:28:43,513
And in his business suit,
he lies down in front of the bulldozer.

650
00:28:44,305 --> 00:28:46,766
Lies down on the ground
in front of the bulldozer.

651
00:28:46,850 --> 00:28:49,185
And then, as you would do
if you were a landscaping crew

652
00:28:49,269 --> 00:28:51,069
and you saw this happen,
they all walked over.

653
00:28:51,104 --> 00:28:52,664
The foreman said, "What are you doing?"

654
00:28:52,689 --> 00:28:55,942
And my dad looked at him and said,
"I'm so depressed

655
00:28:56,484 --> 00:28:58,236
about the stump in my lawn...

656
00:28:58,319 --> 00:28:59,487
[laughter]

657
00:28:59,571 --> 00:29:01,281
that I don't want to live anymore.

658
00:29:01,364 --> 00:29:02,449
[laughter]

659
00:29:04,367 --> 00:29:06,953
Will you please run me over
with your bulldozer?"

660
00:29:07,036 --> 00:29:08,204
[laughter]

661
00:29:13,293 --> 00:29:15,420
And the foreman said,
"Man, you've got to get up."

662
00:29:15,503 --> 00:29:18,256
My dad said, "I can't get up.
I'm too sad...

663
00:29:18,339 --> 00:29:19,883
[laughter]

664
00:29:19,966 --> 00:29:20,967
from, you know,

665
00:29:21,760 --> 00:29:22,635
the stump."

666
00:29:22,719 --> 00:29:23,719
[laughter]

667
00:29:24,095 --> 00:29:25,597
And so, they looked at my dad,

668
00:29:25,889 --> 00:29:30,101
and then they looked at my brother and I
with our faces pressed against the window.

669
00:29:30,185 --> 00:29:31,436
[laughter]

670
00:29:33,188 --> 00:29:35,857
And he said, "Man, I promise
if you get up right now,

671
00:29:35,940 --> 00:29:38,276
and get in your car,
I will turn this bulldozer around.

672
00:29:38,359 --> 00:29:40,755
The stump will be gone by lunch."
My dad said, "You promise?"

673
00:29:40,779 --> 00:29:43,259
He said, "I promise."
My dad got back in the car. We drove off.

674
00:29:43,323 --> 00:29:45,593
We watched the bulldozer turn around
and go the other way.

675
00:29:45,617 --> 00:29:49,329
And it was a very quiet and awkward drive.

676
00:29:49,412 --> 00:29:50,747
[laughter]

677
00:29:52,582 --> 00:29:55,352
And then, finally, after about
ten minutes of silence, my brother said,

678
00:29:55,376 --> 00:29:58,129
"Why would you do that...

679
00:29:58,213 --> 00:29:59,214
[laughter]

680
00:29:59,297 --> 00:30:00,715
with us in the car?"

681
00:30:00,799 --> 00:30:02,050
[laughter]

682
00:30:04,594 --> 00:30:07,430
And my dad, with no hesitation, said,

683
00:30:07,514 --> 00:30:09,974
"Oh, it wouldn't have worked
without you in the car."

684
00:30:10,058 --> 00:30:11,309
[laughter]

685
00:30:11,392 --> 00:30:12,644
[applause]

686
00:30:13,311 --> 00:30:14,813
[cheering and applause]

687
00:30:23,404 --> 00:30:24,823
I have great parents.

688
00:30:24,906 --> 00:30:27,534
And it's fun to be a parent,
because I think in a lot of ways,

689
00:30:27,617 --> 00:30:30,161
it makes you a better person in general

690
00:30:30,245 --> 00:30:32,247
because you just have more empathy

691
00:30:32,330 --> 00:30:34,210
and you care more
about the future of the world.

692
00:30:34,290 --> 00:30:36,918
But in other ways,
it makes you morally a worse person

693
00:30:37,001 --> 00:30:39,396
because now there are things
you would never have done before

694
00:30:39,420 --> 00:30:41,172
that you would do for your kids.

695
00:30:41,548 --> 00:30:43,800
Like, for example,
we have this plastic toy.

696
00:30:43,883 --> 00:30:46,594
It's basically a plastic box
with four holes in it,

697
00:30:46,678 --> 00:30:49,430
and it has four corresponding shapes
that goes into those holes.

698
00:30:49,514 --> 00:30:53,142
There's a square, there's a circle,
there's a triangle, there's a star...

699
00:30:53,226 --> 00:30:54,310
We lost the star.

700
00:30:54,602 --> 00:30:57,981
I don't know where the star is,
but we lost the star.

701
00:30:58,064 --> 00:31:00,733
And yet, every time we take the game out,
my three-year-old says,

702
00:31:00,817 --> 00:31:02,068
"Where the star go?"

703
00:31:02,151 --> 00:31:05,071
And I say to him, "We lost the star."

704
00:31:05,154 --> 00:31:07,490
And if you've ever met or talked
to a three-year-old,

705
00:31:07,574 --> 00:31:10,535
you know that's not the end
of that conversation.

706
00:31:10,618 --> 00:31:12,161
[laughter]

707
00:31:12,745 --> 00:31:15,582
No three-year-old ever says,
"Ah, such is life.

708
00:31:15,665 --> 00:31:17,250
[laughter]

709
00:31:19,711 --> 00:31:21,379
We shall not speak of it again."

710
00:31:21,462 --> 00:31:22,672
[laughter]

711
00:31:25,008 --> 00:31:28,261
So, I'm not sad that we lost the star
'cause he misses the star,

712
00:31:28,344 --> 00:31:30,722
I'm just so fucking irritated
talking about it.

713
00:31:30,805 --> 00:31:32,015
[laughter]

714
00:31:32,098 --> 00:31:33,308
And the other day,

715
00:31:33,600 --> 00:31:36,978
we were over at one of his friend's house
for a play date,

716
00:31:37,061 --> 00:31:39,147
and I noticed they have the same toy.

717
00:31:39,689 --> 00:31:41,065
And they have the star.

718
00:31:41,149 --> 00:31:42,525
[laughter]

719
00:31:42,609 --> 00:31:47,363
And I couldn't believe the speed
at which I had the thought...

720
00:31:47,447 --> 00:31:48,865
[laughter]

721
00:31:50,867 --> 00:31:53,161
"Am I gonna steal the fucking star?"

722
00:31:53,244 --> 00:31:54,704
[laughter and cheering]

723
00:31:54,787 --> 00:31:55,705
[whistling]

724
00:31:55,788 --> 00:31:57,040
[applause]

725
00:31:57,749 --> 00:32:00,752
I'm like casing the place for a nanny cam.

726
00:32:00,835 --> 00:32:03,338
It's like I was George Clooney
in Ocean's Eleven.

727
00:32:04,088 --> 00:32:06,841
Asking the dad weird questions,
like, "Hey, when you lose stuff,

728
00:32:06,925 --> 00:32:09,385
do you just let it be lost
or do you investigate?"

729
00:32:09,469 --> 00:32:10,637
[laughter]

730
00:32:13,348 --> 00:32:14,807
In the end, I did not steal it,

731
00:32:14,891 --> 00:32:16,651
but not because
it was the wrong thing to do.

732
00:32:16,684 --> 00:32:19,312
I didn't steal it because I thought
I wouldn't get away with it.

733
00:32:19,395 --> 00:32:20,229
[laughter]

734
00:32:20,313 --> 00:32:23,066
I think I could've gotten the plastic star
out of the house.

735
00:32:23,149 --> 00:32:24,817
I think I could've done that part.

736
00:32:24,901 --> 00:32:26,778
But I think the next time I took it out,

737
00:32:26,861 --> 00:32:29,155
I couldn't be sure
that my son wouldn't go,

738
00:32:29,238 --> 00:32:30,823
"That's Tony's star."

739
00:32:30,907 --> 00:32:32,241
[laughter]

740
00:32:32,325 --> 00:32:35,161
And the minute he does that,
we can never see Tony again.

741
00:32:35,244 --> 00:32:36,079
[laughter]

742
00:32:36,162 --> 00:32:38,164
'Cause my son will give me up.

743
00:32:38,247 --> 00:32:39,082
[laughter]

744
00:32:39,165 --> 00:32:43,336
And three just seems like it's too young
to teach him,

745
00:32:43,962 --> 00:32:45,463
"Snitches get stitches."

746
00:32:45,546 --> 00:32:47,298
[laughter]

747
00:32:47,382 --> 00:32:48,841
[applause]

748
00:32:51,803 --> 00:32:53,643
We don't want to let our kids
play video games,

749
00:32:53,680 --> 00:32:56,015
which means I have to stop
playing video games.

750
00:32:56,599 --> 00:32:58,851
Which is sad because I love video games.

751
00:32:58,935 --> 00:33:01,688
I like it 'cause it's the only place
I'm good at sports.

752
00:33:01,771 --> 00:33:02,939
[laughter]

753
00:33:04,482 --> 00:33:07,127
My brother said, "Oh, you should play
Xbox Live, it's really great."

754
00:33:07,151 --> 00:33:09,630
And I said, "Why's it great?"
He said that you put on a headset

755
00:33:09,654 --> 00:33:12,299
and you can talk to the people
you're playing against. And I did it.

756
00:33:12,323 --> 00:33:14,450
And it wasn't great
because I found out by doing it

757
00:33:14,534 --> 00:33:17,120
that I'm way worse at video games
than 12-year-olds.

758
00:33:17,203 --> 00:33:18,496
[laughter]

759
00:33:18,579 --> 00:33:21,392
The way I found out they were 12 is
the other day I was playing somebody

760
00:33:21,416 --> 00:33:23,560
and I lost two games in a row.
I said, "One more game?"

761
00:33:23,584 --> 00:33:26,230
They said, "No, I have to go."
And I said, "What do you have to do?"

762
00:33:26,254 --> 00:33:28,006
And they said, "Social Studies homework."

763
00:33:28,089 --> 00:33:29,257
[laughter]

764
00:33:31,426 --> 00:33:34,238
And I said, "How old are you?"
And they said, "Twelve, how old are you?"

765
00:33:34,262 --> 00:33:35,763
And I said, "I'm 36."

766
00:33:36,723 --> 00:33:37,765
And I'm not.

767
00:33:37,849 --> 00:33:39,350
[laughter]

768
00:33:44,689 --> 00:33:47,859
I'm 45, and let me tell
you guys something. When you...

769
00:33:47,942 --> 00:33:49,318
[laughter]

770
00:33:50,028 --> 00:33:53,239
When you lie about your age
by nine years...

771
00:33:53,322 --> 00:33:54,157
[laughter]

772
00:33:54,240 --> 00:33:58,161
and you're still three times as old
as the person you're lying to...

773
00:33:58,244 --> 00:33:59,495
[laughter]

774
00:33:59,579 --> 00:34:02,165
it's a real
take-stock-of-your-life moment.

775
00:34:02,248 --> 00:34:03,458
[laughter]

776
00:34:03,541 --> 00:34:08,129
Like, pretty much the only upside there
is, "Well, at least I'm not a pedophile."

777
00:34:08,212 --> 00:34:09,630
[laughter]

778
00:34:11,215 --> 00:34:12,300
[whistling]

779
00:34:14,427 --> 00:34:16,637
Speaking of pedophiles,
and I'll be brief...

780
00:34:17,055 --> 00:34:18,347
[laughter]

781
00:34:20,183 --> 00:34:22,602
My least favorite thing
about pedophiles...

782
00:34:23,311 --> 00:34:24,562
[laughter]

783
00:34:26,189 --> 00:34:28,649
My second-least favorite thing
about pedophiles...

784
00:34:29,067 --> 00:34:31,194
My least favorite thing is,
you know, the whole...

785
00:34:31,652 --> 00:34:32,528
the whole deal.

786
00:34:32,612 --> 00:34:33,446
[laughter]

787
00:34:33,529 --> 00:34:36,091
My second least favorite thing,
every time they catch a pedophile,

788
00:34:36,115 --> 00:34:39,178
the same thing happens, they interview
friends and neighbors of the pedophile.

789
00:34:39,202 --> 00:34:43,039
And they always say, "He's the last person
we ever suspected of something like this."

790
00:34:43,122 --> 00:34:46,459
And I hate that so much because it implies
everyone's walking around

791
00:34:46,542 --> 00:34:49,170
with a list in their head
in reverse order...

792
00:34:49,253 --> 00:34:50,129
[laughter]

793
00:34:50,213 --> 00:34:53,049
of the likelihood that everyone they know
is a pedophile.

794
00:34:53,674 --> 00:34:55,676
Just once I'd love to see
someone on the local news

795
00:34:55,760 --> 00:34:57,905
being like, "What do you think
of the local pedophile?"

796
00:34:57,929 --> 00:34:59,889
"Who's the local pedophile?"
"Your neighbor Dave."

797
00:34:59,931 --> 00:35:01,849
And they're like, "Oh, yeah!

798
00:35:01,933 --> 00:35:03,101
[laughter]

799
00:35:04,143 --> 00:35:07,146
Yeah, of all our friends,
we thought it might be Dave."

800
00:35:07,230 --> 00:35:08,230
[laughter]

801
00:35:11,526 --> 00:35:15,321
Also, "pedophile" is too fancy a word.

802
00:35:16,322 --> 00:35:19,408
You know what I mean?
It's like a pervert who's also a snob.

803
00:35:20,701 --> 00:35:23,412
It's like, "Child molester? Please.
I'm a pedophile."

804
00:35:23,496 --> 00:35:24,747
[laughter]

805
00:35:24,831 --> 00:35:28,668
It also reflects so badly
on the other "-philes."

806
00:35:28,751 --> 00:35:29,751
[laughter]

807
00:35:29,794 --> 00:35:31,629
You know, like bibliophiles, cinephiles.

808
00:35:31,712 --> 00:35:34,590
Those are just people
who like books and movies, you know?

809
00:35:34,841 --> 00:35:38,678
An audiophile likes music.
He doesn't fuck the record player.

810
00:35:38,761 --> 00:35:39,971
[laughter]

811
00:35:44,600 --> 00:35:46,686
That is the best that joke has ever gone.

812
00:35:46,769 --> 00:35:50,064
- [laughter]
- The best that joke has ever gone.

813
00:35:50,565 --> 00:35:51,732
[cheering and applause]

814
00:35:51,816 --> 00:35:52,816
[whistling]

815
00:35:53,526 --> 00:35:55,778
You were probably thinking,
"I was right in the middle."

816
00:35:55,862 --> 00:35:57,697
Nope. Best it's ever gone.

817
00:35:58,322 --> 00:36:00,908
And for the special, no less,
peaking at the right time.

818
00:36:00,992 --> 00:36:02,577
- Thank you.
- [laughter]

819
00:36:02,660 --> 00:36:04,287
Thank you, Minneapolis.

820
00:36:04,370 --> 00:36:05,663
[cheering and applause]

821
00:36:09,375 --> 00:36:12,336
I was bombing everywhere and people said,
"Give it a chance in Minneapolis,

822
00:36:12,420 --> 00:36:13,337
they go...

823
00:36:13,421 --> 00:36:14,421
[laughter]

824
00:36:14,463 --> 00:36:16,632
they go for the pedophile jokes there."

825
00:36:16,716 --> 00:36:17,716
[laughter]

826
00:36:20,011 --> 00:36:23,222
Every now and then,
I do a show at a college.

827
00:36:23,306 --> 00:36:26,058
And every now and then,
it is a Catholic university.

828
00:36:26,517 --> 00:36:27,935
- And...
- [cheering]

829
00:36:28,311 --> 00:36:29,145
Uh...

830
00:36:29,228 --> 00:36:30,563
[laughter]

831
00:36:31,480 --> 00:36:32,480
Ugh...

832
00:36:32,648 --> 00:36:33,774
[cheering]

833
00:36:33,858 --> 00:36:34,859
Oh, man.

834
00:36:37,695 --> 00:36:40,198
You remember
what we were just talking about, right?

835
00:36:40,281 --> 00:36:41,324
[laughter]

836
00:36:44,035 --> 00:36:45,995
[cheering and applause]

837
00:36:50,958 --> 00:36:54,795
Every time I do a show
at a Catholic university,

838
00:36:54,879 --> 00:36:56,839
the same thing happens
right before I go on stage.

839
00:36:56,881 --> 00:37:00,801
Someone from the school will take me aside
and say, "Hey, the only thing we'd ask

840
00:37:00,885 --> 00:37:03,638
is don't make any jokes
about the Catholic Church."

841
00:37:04,013 --> 00:37:06,098
And I feel like I have
the perfect response to that,

842
00:37:06,182 --> 00:37:08,517
which is I look at them, and I say, "Oh,

843
00:37:08,601 --> 00:37:11,437
what kind of jokes do people make
about the Catholic Church?"

844
00:37:11,520 --> 00:37:12,563
[laughter]

845
00:37:17,777 --> 00:37:20,988
And it's so great, because when I do that,
their eyes light up...

846
00:37:21,072 --> 00:37:22,073
[laughter]

847
00:37:22,156 --> 00:37:25,117
with joy, because you can tell
they're thinking, "Oh, my God.

848
00:37:25,534 --> 00:37:27,119
Maybe he hasn't heard!"

849
00:37:27,203 --> 00:37:28,412
[laughter]

850
00:37:30,915 --> 00:37:32,166
And that...

851
00:37:32,750 --> 00:37:33,751
is faith.

852
00:37:33,834 --> 00:37:35,086
[laughter]

853
00:37:36,295 --> 00:37:38,172
[cheering and applause]

854
00:37:45,346 --> 00:37:49,475
Really, there's a lot of conversations
lately about people in scandals,

855
00:37:49,558 --> 00:37:52,895
and questions like, "When can that person
come back into society?"

856
00:37:52,979 --> 00:37:55,273
"When can this person,
post-scandal, come back?"

857
00:37:55,356 --> 00:37:57,834
And it makes me think,
doesn't it feel like the Catholic Church

858
00:37:57,858 --> 00:38:00,319
should've had to have taken
at least one week off?

859
00:38:00,903 --> 00:38:03,664
Just after everything that's happened,
just one week you go to church,

860
00:38:03,739 --> 00:38:06,575
and there be a sign outside saying,
"Hey, we're closed for the day.

861
00:38:06,659 --> 00:38:08,536
We're doing an all-staff meeting.

862
00:38:08,619 --> 00:38:10,037
[laughter]

863
00:38:10,121 --> 00:38:12,665
We're gonna go over the rules
one more time."

864
00:38:12,748 --> 00:38:14,000
[laughter]

865
00:38:15,793 --> 00:38:18,129
I mean, there was one racist incident
at Starbucks

866
00:38:18,212 --> 00:38:20,339
and they shutdown all the Starbucks.

867
00:38:20,881 --> 00:38:22,341
And solved racism.

868
00:38:22,425 --> 00:38:23,718
[laughter]

869
00:38:24,552 --> 00:38:27,471
That's why you don't hear
about it anymore, 'cause of Starbucks.

870
00:38:30,683 --> 00:38:33,311
I've nothing against Catholics.
The most wonderful people.

871
00:38:33,394 --> 00:38:35,396
Yet, the leadership, it's crazy.

872
00:38:35,479 --> 00:38:39,066
If your favorite restaurant in the world,
if you found out they had a rat problem,

873
00:38:39,150 --> 00:38:42,070
you would say, "Hey, I'm not coming back
until you solve the rat problem."

874
00:38:42,111 --> 00:38:45,007
If you waited a month, came back,
and said, "Is everything taken care of?"

875
00:38:45,031 --> 00:38:47,031
If they said to you,
"It's more than taken care of.

876
00:38:47,074 --> 00:38:49,285
We found a thousand rats
in the dining room,

877
00:38:49,368 --> 00:38:51,620
and we moved 'em to the kitchen."

878
00:38:51,704 --> 00:38:52,955
[laughter]

879
00:38:58,627 --> 00:38:59,627
I mean,

880
00:39:00,087 --> 00:39:02,715
when Netflix kicked Kevin Spacey
off House of Cards,

881
00:39:02,798 --> 00:39:04,967
they didn't move him to Stranger Things.

882
00:39:05,051 --> 00:39:06,052
[laughter]

883
00:39:06,802 --> 00:39:08,929
- And I mean, he would've...
- [cheering]

884
00:39:09,013 --> 00:39:10,222
loved that.

885
00:39:10,306 --> 00:39:11,474
[applause]

886
00:39:15,770 --> 00:39:19,273
So, I want to talk about, uh, politics,
uh, for a second.

887
00:39:19,357 --> 00:39:20,900
- But I also... Yeah.
- [cheering]

888
00:39:24,153 --> 00:39:26,989
I also know there are people
who, uh, don't like jokes about politics.

889
00:39:27,073 --> 00:39:30,618
And because this is on Netflix,
it presents us with a unique opportunity.

890
00:39:30,701 --> 00:39:33,371
Uh, we are gonna have an option
for people watching at home

891
00:39:33,454 --> 00:39:35,206
to skip politics.

892
00:39:35,289 --> 00:39:37,958
There will be a box right down there.

893
00:39:38,042 --> 00:39:39,335
And they can just click that,

894
00:39:39,418 --> 00:39:42,755
and it will take them to the next moment
of the show when it's not about politics.

895
00:39:42,838 --> 00:39:44,757
So, let's give them a second to find that.

896
00:39:44,840 --> 00:39:45,966
[laughter]

897
00:39:47,343 --> 00:39:50,930
Because I appreciate that there are people
who think there are too many jokes

898
00:39:51,013 --> 00:39:52,098
about Donald Trump.

899
00:39:52,181 --> 00:39:54,767
And they say, "When are the jokes
about Donald Trump gonna stop?"

900
00:39:54,850 --> 00:39:57,520
And the only thing I'll say
is I feel like the jokes

901
00:39:57,853 --> 00:40:00,731
are the only good part
about living through the Trump era.

902
00:40:00,815 --> 00:40:02,191
[cheering and applause]

903
00:40:02,274 --> 00:40:05,027
The only good part.

904
00:40:05,945 --> 00:40:06,987
I mean...

905
00:40:07,071 --> 00:40:09,240
[cheering and applause continues]

906
00:40:14,745 --> 00:40:17,706
living through the Trump era
without any jokes

907
00:40:17,790 --> 00:40:21,377
would be like getting a prostate exam
and not wanting the results.

908
00:40:21,460 --> 00:40:22,670
[laughter]

909
00:40:24,296 --> 00:40:25,696
"Let me tell you what we've found."

910
00:40:25,756 --> 00:40:27,883
"No, no! That's not what I'm here for!

911
00:40:27,967 --> 00:40:29,552
[laughter]

912
00:40:29,635 --> 00:40:32,638
I'm gonna be here tomorrow,
get you back up in there, though."

913
00:40:32,721 --> 00:40:34,181
[laughter]

914
00:40:35,182 --> 00:40:40,312
It's also very strange for me,
because, based on the kind of show I do,

915
00:40:40,563 --> 00:40:43,667
and because it's a show about politics,
people have been coming up to me so much

916
00:40:43,691 --> 00:40:45,651
over the last few years and saying,
"Oh, my God.

917
00:40:45,734 --> 00:40:47,862
This Trump presidency must be so good
for you.

918
00:40:47,945 --> 00:40:50,823
How good is this Trump presidency
for you?"

919
00:40:50,906 --> 00:40:53,534
And I hate that, because I hate
having people feel as though

920
00:40:53,617 --> 00:40:55,161
I'm benefiting from this.

921
00:40:56,078 --> 00:41:00,166
I'm feeling like... I feel as though
I'm a gravedigger in the Middle Ages.

922
00:41:00,249 --> 00:41:01,375
[laughter]

923
00:41:02,209 --> 00:41:05,171
And people are coming up to me, like,
"Oh, my God.

924
00:41:05,254 --> 00:41:08,466
This plague must be so good for you.

925
00:41:08,549 --> 00:41:09,717
[laughter]

926
00:41:10,885 --> 00:41:13,429
How good is this plague?"

927
00:41:14,221 --> 00:41:15,222
And I have to say,

928
00:41:15,306 --> 00:41:18,851
"Well, obviously, we're very upset
about the plague.

929
00:41:18,934 --> 00:41:20,102
[laughter]

930
00:41:21,604 --> 00:41:23,731
But it has been very good for me.

931
00:41:23,814 --> 00:41:25,566
[laughter and applause]

932
00:41:25,649 --> 00:41:28,152
It's been very good for business, really.

933
00:41:28,235 --> 00:41:29,612
[cheering and applause]

934
00:41:30,362 --> 00:41:32,948
We had to open a second location."

935
00:41:33,032 --> 00:41:34,283
[laughter]

936
00:41:39,914 --> 00:41:44,001
It's also strange because there are people
who blame me for the Trump presidency,

937
00:41:44,084 --> 00:41:47,880
because in 2011, I told jokes about him
at the White House Correspondents' Dinner,

938
00:41:47,963 --> 00:41:49,632
and many people say that's the night

939
00:41:49,715 --> 00:41:52,218
that maybe he decided
to run for president,

940
00:41:52,301 --> 00:41:55,141
because I told jokes about him
and President Obama told jokes about him.

941
00:41:55,179 --> 00:41:57,431
And it turns out, he has very thin skin.

942
00:41:58,641 --> 00:42:01,101
Which is ironic, because it looks thick.

943
00:42:01,185 --> 00:42:02,478
[laughter]

944
00:42:03,145 --> 00:42:04,897
[cheering and applause]

945
00:42:09,485 --> 00:42:11,820
Like the heel of a catcher's mitt.

946
00:42:11,904 --> 00:42:13,030
[laughter]

947
00:42:17,409 --> 00:42:19,971
A lot of people said it
because I told jokes about him that night,

948
00:42:19,995 --> 00:42:21,580
Obama told jokes about him that night.

949
00:42:21,664 --> 00:42:23,332
That night he began plotting his revenge,

950
00:42:23,415 --> 00:42:27,169
began plotting this course
to be president of this country.

951
00:42:27,253 --> 00:42:29,421
And a lot of people wrote articles
about that night

952
00:42:29,505 --> 00:42:30,756
in the lead-up to the election.

953
00:42:30,839 --> 00:42:35,219
And a lot of those articles only talked
about Obama's jokes and left me out of it,

954
00:42:35,302 --> 00:42:38,013
and that hurt my feelings,
because I also wanted credit

955
00:42:38,097 --> 00:42:40,516
for tricking him
into running for president,

956
00:42:41,100 --> 00:42:44,812
because I was so sure
that he was going to lose.

957
00:42:45,312 --> 00:42:48,649
And then he won, and the minute he won,
I realized something.

958
00:42:49,316 --> 00:42:51,193
"This is Obama's fault."

959
00:42:51,277 --> 00:42:52,736
[laughter]

960
00:42:58,033 --> 00:43:02,329
You know who I feel really bad for
in the Trump era is, uh, Canada.

961
00:43:03,372 --> 00:43:05,725
I feel bad for Canada
because in the run-up to the election,

962
00:43:05,749 --> 00:43:09,420
so many people said, "If he wins,
I'm gonna move to Canada."

963
00:43:09,503 --> 00:43:10,379
[laughter]

964
00:43:10,462 --> 00:43:13,007
And then he won, and nobody did.

965
00:43:13,090 --> 00:43:14,174
[laughter]

966
00:43:15,301 --> 00:43:17,678
They must've been so excited
on election night.

967
00:43:17,761 --> 00:43:18,971
Like, waiting at the border.

968
00:43:19,054 --> 00:43:20,764
[laughter]

969
00:43:29,064 --> 00:43:32,067
Then a couple of weeks passed,
nobody showed up, they called.

970
00:43:32,943 --> 00:43:35,404
They were like,
"Hey, you guys coming or not, eh?"

971
00:43:35,487 --> 00:43:36,697
[laughter]

972
00:43:37,531 --> 00:43:40,534
And we're like, "Oh, what? Oh, yeah.
Umm... no."

973
00:43:40,618 --> 00:43:41,744
[laughter]

974
00:43:41,827 --> 00:43:45,623
They're like, "Why not? Did he not win?"
"No. Yeah, no. He did. He did win."

975
00:43:45,998 --> 00:43:48,101
"Oh, is he not as bad
as you thought he was gonna be?"

976
00:43:48,125 --> 00:43:49,668
"N-No, he...

977
00:43:49,752 --> 00:43:51,003
he's a little bit worse."

978
00:43:51,086 --> 00:43:52,296
[laughter]

979
00:43:53,088 --> 00:43:55,049
"So, what's this all a-boot?"

980
00:43:55,132 --> 00:43:56,425
[laughter]

981
00:43:58,469 --> 00:43:59,345
"Uh...

982
00:43:59,428 --> 00:44:01,263
"I g... Yeah, um...

983
00:44:02,473 --> 00:44:05,142
I guess we just don't want to live
in fucking Canada."

984
00:44:05,225 --> 00:44:06,435
[laughter]

985
00:44:09,605 --> 00:44:11,857
A lot of conservative Christians
voted for Donald Trump,

986
00:44:11,940 --> 00:44:15,944
and they voted for him for the reason
that he would pick conservative judges.

987
00:44:16,028 --> 00:44:18,072
He would pass legislation
that was kind to them,

988
00:44:18,155 --> 00:44:20,449
and they are certainly getting
what they voted for.

989
00:44:20,532 --> 00:44:23,952
And I am not to deny anyone
voting for what they want.

990
00:44:24,036 --> 00:44:26,705
The thing that frustrates me
is when conservative Christians

991
00:44:26,789 --> 00:44:28,874
tell us that Donald Trump
is a religious man.

992
00:44:28,957 --> 00:44:32,086
Donald Trump is not,
in any way, shape, or form...

993
00:44:32,169 --> 00:44:33,489
- [cheering]
- ...a religious man.

994
00:44:34,129 --> 00:44:36,548
Here's a dead giveaway.
Here's a dead giveaway.

995
00:44:36,882 --> 00:44:38,759
Donald Trump does not go to church.

996
00:44:38,842 --> 00:44:41,261
Which makes sense,
because he would hate church.

997
00:44:41,804 --> 00:44:44,723
Can you imagine Donald Trump
sitting for an hour in a room

998
00:44:44,807 --> 00:44:48,644
where someone talks about the glory
of someone who is not Donald Trump?

999
00:44:48,727 --> 00:44:50,229
[laughter]

1000
00:44:50,729 --> 00:44:53,691
"Is this whole hour about Jesus?

1001
00:44:53,774 --> 00:44:55,067
[laughter]

1002
00:44:58,946 --> 00:45:00,989
Do you know
he didn't own a single hotel?

1003
00:45:01,073 --> 00:45:02,366
[laughter]

1004
00:45:03,951 --> 00:45:07,287
True story. Night he was born,
couldn't get a hotel reservation."

1005
00:45:07,371 --> 00:45:08,580
[laughter]

1006
00:45:12,084 --> 00:45:15,212
And the Bible warns
against this exact thing.

1007
00:45:15,671 --> 00:45:19,049
In the Bible, it says,
"Beware of a wolf in sheep's clothing."

1008
00:45:19,133 --> 00:45:22,386
Donald Trump isn't even trying that hard.
He is not a wolf in sheep's clothing.

1009
00:45:22,469 --> 00:45:25,097
He's a wolf in a shitty wool sweater...

1010
00:45:25,180 --> 00:45:26,265
[laughter]

1011
00:45:26,932 --> 00:45:30,227
Just walking into a flock,
being like, "Baa, I'm a sheep.

1012
00:45:30,310 --> 00:45:31,395
[laughter]

1013
00:45:33,021 --> 00:45:34,314
When are you guys going to bed?

1014
00:45:34,398 --> 00:45:37,234
Baa, I'm also a sheep.
I'm not gonna eat you.

1015
00:45:38,318 --> 00:45:40,112
'Cause I'm a sheep. Baa!"

1016
00:45:40,195 --> 00:45:41,363
[laughter]

1017
00:45:46,493 --> 00:45:49,538
The other crazy thing about that
White House Correspondents' Dinner night

1018
00:45:49,621 --> 00:45:50,664
is it was on a Saturday,

1019
00:45:50,748 --> 00:45:53,250
and on Sunday, Barack Obama
went on television

1020
00:45:53,333 --> 00:45:55,961
and announced that SEAL Team Six
had killed Osama bin Laden

1021
00:45:56,044 --> 00:45:57,755
the very next day.

1022
00:45:58,046 --> 00:46:00,466
And it was an amazing moment.
I think it caused a lot...

1023
00:46:00,549 --> 00:46:01,467
- Yeah.
- [applause]

1024
00:46:01,550 --> 00:46:03,594
It was a moment of great relief

1025
00:46:04,011 --> 00:46:05,554
to many Americans,

1026
00:46:05,763 --> 00:46:11,560
which is why I'm ashamed to this day
at how I reacted to that piece of news.

1027
00:46:11,643 --> 00:46:13,020
Because I...

1028
00:46:13,896 --> 00:46:15,416
did what I thought was a very good job

1029
00:46:15,481 --> 00:46:18,042
at the White House Correspondents' Dinner,
and it went to my head.

1030
00:46:18,066 --> 00:46:20,962
It went to my head and I started thinking,
"When the news comes on Monday,

1031
00:46:20,986 --> 00:46:24,823
all they're gonna do is talk about
how fucking funny I was on Saturday...

1032
00:46:24,907 --> 00:46:26,533
[laughter]

1033
00:46:27,326 --> 00:46:29,620
as long as nothing major happens
on Sunday...

1034
00:46:29,703 --> 00:46:30,871
[laughter]

1035
00:46:30,954 --> 00:46:32,956
a notoriously slow news day."

1036
00:46:34,208 --> 00:46:37,419
I'm basically admitting to you
that I was the one person in America,

1037
00:46:37,503 --> 00:46:40,631
who upon hearing that SEAL Team Six
had killed Osama bin Laden

1038
00:46:40,714 --> 00:46:41,590
had this reaction...

1039
00:46:41,673 --> 00:46:42,591
"Shit!

1040
00:46:42,674 --> 00:46:44,051
[laughter]

1041
00:46:44,718 --> 00:46:45,718
Tonight!

1042
00:46:46,804 --> 00:46:49,264
They waited ten years
and they got him tonight!

1043
00:46:49,348 --> 00:46:50,599
[laughter]

1044
00:46:51,183 --> 00:46:52,476
Fuck me!"

1045
00:46:52,559 --> 00:46:53,811
[laughter]

1046
00:46:55,813 --> 00:46:56,813
All right.

1047
00:46:57,105 --> 00:46:58,315
That's the end of politics.

1048
00:46:58,398 --> 00:46:59,398
And, uh...

1049
00:46:59,900 --> 00:47:02,569
we're gonna have the people who left us
join us again.

1050
00:47:02,653 --> 00:47:05,048
But when they come back,
I want them to hear me say something

1051
00:47:05,072 --> 00:47:07,449
that will make them curious enough
to go back...

1052
00:47:08,617 --> 00:47:09,743
and watch it.

1053
00:47:09,827 --> 00:47:11,078
[laughter]

1054
00:47:11,453 --> 00:47:13,163
So, I'll just give it a beat here.

1055
00:47:16,083 --> 00:47:19,878
So, I guess my point is I misjudged him
and I do think he's a very good president.

1056
00:47:19,962 --> 00:47:21,338
[laughter]

1057
00:47:21,421 --> 00:47:23,298
[cheering and applause]

1058
00:47:23,382 --> 00:47:26,969
The whole thing,
based on how I laid it out.

1059
00:47:27,636 --> 00:47:29,221
You agree with me, too.

1060
00:47:33,058 --> 00:47:34,351
[laughter]

1061
00:47:38,564 --> 00:47:41,859
I've been, uh, living with my wife now
for ten years.

1062
00:47:41,942 --> 00:47:44,128
We've lived together for ten years,
and let me tell you,

1063
00:47:44,152 --> 00:47:47,322
my wife has made my life
just immeasurably better.

1064
00:47:47,406 --> 00:47:51,535
Living with her has made
just my environment immeasurably better.

1065
00:47:51,618 --> 00:47:54,162
Everything about living with my wife
is so much better.

1066
00:47:54,246 --> 00:47:57,416
With that said, and I'm ashamed to say it,
there are times where I resent

1067
00:47:57,499 --> 00:47:59,585
how much better she thinks she's made it.

1068
00:47:59,668 --> 00:48:01,169
[laughter]

1069
00:48:01,587 --> 00:48:03,267
Like the other day,
I couldn't find my belt

1070
00:48:03,297 --> 00:48:05,549
and my wife found my belt,
and as she brought it to me,

1071
00:48:05,632 --> 00:48:07,312
she said, "Where would you be without me?"

1072
00:48:07,342 --> 00:48:10,012
And I wanted to say,
"Exactly here without the belt."

1073
00:48:10,095 --> 00:48:11,763
[laughter]

1074
00:48:11,847 --> 00:48:14,701
In fact, I would have the belt
because I would know exactly where it was,

1075
00:48:14,725 --> 00:48:16,085
in yesterday's pants on the floor.

1076
00:48:16,143 --> 00:48:17,311
But now...

1077
00:48:17,394 --> 00:48:18,520
[laughter]

1078
00:48:18,604 --> 00:48:21,064
we're not allowed
to leave yesterday's pants on the floor,

1079
00:48:21,148 --> 00:48:24,943
so I need a National Treasure-style map
to find my one lousy belt.

1080
00:48:25,027 --> 00:48:26,194
[laughter]

1081
00:48:28,071 --> 00:48:31,700
My wife always knows where everything is
because my wife has OCD.

1082
00:48:31,783 --> 00:48:34,244
She's one of those people
who, if she walks into a room

1083
00:48:34,328 --> 00:48:35,954
and anything is even a little bit off,

1084
00:48:36,038 --> 00:48:38,248
if a Venetian blind
is turned the wrong way,

1085
00:48:38,332 --> 00:48:40,876
she cannot settle
until she figures out what it is.

1086
00:48:40,959 --> 00:48:44,296
And I think it's really important
to find ways to never be bored

1087
00:48:44,379 --> 00:48:45,213
in a marriage.

1088
00:48:45,297 --> 00:48:46,798
And so, what I like to do...

1089
00:48:46,882 --> 00:48:48,133
[laughter]

1090
00:48:50,135 --> 00:48:53,096
If I get home first, what I like to do
is I like to go into our closet

1091
00:48:53,180 --> 00:48:54,598
and turn around one of the hangers.

1092
00:48:54,681 --> 00:48:57,142
And then, when she gets home,
I sit on the end of the bed,

1093
00:48:57,225 --> 00:48:58,518
and I ask her how her day was.

1094
00:48:58,602 --> 00:49:01,939
And then, I wait until she goes
into her closet and she gets quiet,

1095
00:49:02,272 --> 00:49:05,400
because her spidey sense is telling her
that something's wrong.

1096
00:49:05,817 --> 00:49:08,028
And it's in that silence
that I think to myself,

1097
00:49:08,111 --> 00:49:09,529
"As long as I can do this,

1098
00:49:10,155 --> 00:49:12,199
I will never be bored in this marriage."

1099
00:49:12,282 --> 00:49:13,617
[laughter]

1100
00:49:17,996 --> 00:49:19,081
I have a brother.

1101
00:49:19,665 --> 00:49:21,500
My wife has a brother and a sister.

1102
00:49:21,583 --> 00:49:24,086
And it's been a real education
what sisters are like,

1103
00:49:24,169 --> 00:49:25,837
especially how sisters fight.

1104
00:49:26,254 --> 00:49:30,133
The way my wife and her sister fight is
it escalates so quickly,

1105
00:49:30,467 --> 00:49:32,928
and then is immediately forgotten
by both of them.

1106
00:49:33,178 --> 00:49:35,222
And the only people left
to pick up the pieces

1107
00:49:35,305 --> 00:49:38,225
are those of us unlucky enough
to have been there when it went down.

1108
00:49:38,308 --> 00:49:39,434
[laughter]

1109
00:49:39,518 --> 00:49:41,979
This is a very normal argument,

1110
00:49:42,396 --> 00:49:44,523
a normal fight between my wife
and her sister.

1111
00:49:44,606 --> 00:49:47,150
One of them will say,
"Hey, when you borrowed my sweater,

1112
00:49:47,234 --> 00:49:48,402
you stretched out the neck."

1113
00:49:48,485 --> 00:49:50,885
And the other one will say,
"You were a slut in high school."

1114
00:49:50,946 --> 00:49:52,030
I'll be like, "Whoa!"

1115
00:49:52,114 --> 00:49:53,156
[laughter]

1116
00:49:54,366 --> 00:49:56,952
Where is the middle of that argument?

1117
00:49:57,035 --> 00:49:58,328
[laughter]

1118
00:49:59,621 --> 00:50:02,901
The sister will leave and slam the door.
You'll think, "We'll never see her again."

1119
00:50:02,958 --> 00:50:04,838
The next day, the buzzer
in the apartment rings.

1120
00:50:04,876 --> 00:50:07,421
"Who's that?" "It's my sister."
"What's your sister doing here?"

1121
00:50:07,504 --> 00:50:10,882
"She's borrowing a sweater."
And I'm like, "What about the neck?

1122
00:50:10,966 --> 00:50:12,217
[laughter]

1123
00:50:13,218 --> 00:50:15,554
Did you already forget about the neck?"

1124
00:50:15,637 --> 00:50:16,722
[laughter]

1125
00:50:18,015 --> 00:50:21,226
This is a true story
about my wife and her sister.

1126
00:50:21,309 --> 00:50:25,605
When they were five and nine,
they were sharing a bowl of guacamole.

1127
00:50:25,689 --> 00:50:29,526
And one of them, I won't say which one,
took the last bite of guacamole,

1128
00:50:29,609 --> 00:50:33,321
and the other one said,
"Did you take the last bite of guacamole?

1129
00:50:33,405 --> 00:50:34,781
You are a bitch."

1130
00:50:34,865 --> 00:50:36,241
[laughter]

1131
00:50:38,035 --> 00:50:39,911
And then, the one who had taken the bite,

1132
00:50:39,995 --> 00:50:42,247
very calmly looked at her sister
dead-eyed,

1133
00:50:42,330 --> 00:50:44,583
pulled the bowl back, opened her mouth,

1134
00:50:44,666 --> 00:50:48,378
and let the bite of guacamole fall back
into the bowl.

1135
00:50:48,462 --> 00:50:49,713
[laughter]

1136
00:50:50,464 --> 00:50:51,631
And the only part...

1137
00:50:52,340 --> 00:50:55,052
The only part of that story
that isn't true

1138
00:50:55,135 --> 00:50:57,345
is that it happened last week.

1139
00:50:57,429 --> 00:50:58,972
[laughter]

1140
00:51:00,766 --> 00:51:03,769
It happened last week and I was there.

1141
00:51:04,311 --> 00:51:05,353
[cheering and applause]

1142
00:51:05,437 --> 00:51:06,730
[whistling]

1143
00:51:06,813 --> 00:51:08,106
[man cheers]

1144
00:51:10,692 --> 00:51:11,985
My wife is a lawyer.

1145
00:51:12,069 --> 00:51:15,405
My wife is a former prosecutor.

1146
00:51:15,781 --> 00:51:17,699
Uh, I use "former" loosely

1147
00:51:17,783 --> 00:51:20,744
because she falls back into it
pretty quickly when we argue.

1148
00:51:20,827 --> 00:51:21,912
[laughter]

1149
00:51:23,622 --> 00:51:25,665
In every one of our arguments,

1150
00:51:25,749 --> 00:51:28,418
my wife is
this incredibly well-prepared prosecutor

1151
00:51:28,502 --> 00:51:32,631
and I am a public defense attorney
who just found out I have the case.

1152
00:51:32,714 --> 00:51:33,965
[laughter]

1153
00:51:35,050 --> 00:51:37,344
Like, she's so ready
for all of our arguments,

1154
00:51:37,427 --> 00:51:39,067
and I'm running into the courthouse late,

1155
00:51:39,137 --> 00:51:41,640
and I've got papers
coming out of my briefcase

1156
00:51:41,723 --> 00:51:43,975
and mustard on my tie,
and I run up to the judge,

1157
00:51:44,059 --> 00:51:45,519
and I say, "I need a continuance!"

1158
00:51:45,602 --> 00:51:46,895
And the judge says, "Overruled!"

1159
00:51:46,978 --> 00:51:49,106
because my wife is also the judge.

1160
00:51:49,189 --> 00:51:50,357
[laughter]

1161
00:51:52,859 --> 00:51:56,571
She's one of those really,
really good prosecutors

1162
00:51:56,655 --> 00:52:00,992
that gets you to admit to your crime
on the stand without you knowing it.

1163
00:52:01,576 --> 00:52:03,576
Like, we'll have an argument,
and she'll say, "Hey,

1164
00:52:03,620 --> 00:52:06,832
did you forget to separate the recycling
when you took out the trash today?"

1165
00:52:06,915 --> 00:52:08,333
And I'll say, "Absolutely not."

1166
00:52:08,416 --> 00:52:11,002
And she'll say, "You're so confident.
How can you be so sure?"

1167
00:52:11,086 --> 00:52:13,547
And I'll say,
"I didn't take out the trash today."

1168
00:52:13,630 --> 00:52:15,132
[laughter]

1169
00:52:21,805 --> 00:52:24,641
And she'll say,
"No further questions, Your Honor."

1170
00:52:24,724 --> 00:52:26,059
[laughter]

1171
00:52:29,521 --> 00:52:31,731
One of the things my wife loves
about the law

1172
00:52:31,815 --> 00:52:34,401
is each side gets to make their case.

1173
00:52:34,693 --> 00:52:37,445
And we were talking
about how that's so different from my job,

1174
00:52:37,529 --> 00:52:40,657
where I get to come out here
and just give my side of the case.

1175
00:52:40,866 --> 00:52:43,952
So, we decided
it would be healthy and good

1176
00:52:44,035 --> 00:52:45,829
if I also shared her perspective.

1177
00:52:45,912 --> 00:52:50,125
So, would it be okay right now
if I did stand-up as my wife about me?

1178
00:52:50,208 --> 00:52:51,459
Is that good with everybody?

1179
00:52:51,543 --> 00:52:53,003
[cheering and applause]

1180
00:52:56,464 --> 00:52:59,134
Hey, everybody.
Um, my name is Alexi Ashe Meyers.

1181
00:52:59,217 --> 00:53:02,762
Thank you so much for letting me do this.
I really appreciate it. Thank you.

1182
00:53:02,846 --> 00:53:04,264
- I do not...
- [applause]

1183
00:53:04,973 --> 00:53:06,516
I do not do this professionally,

1184
00:53:06,600 --> 00:53:08,351
because unlike my husband,

1185
00:53:08,435 --> 00:53:09,561
I do not live my life

1186
00:53:09,644 --> 00:53:12,272
in the desperate quest
for the approval of strangers.

1187
00:53:12,355 --> 00:53:13,690
[laughter]

1188
00:53:17,611 --> 00:53:20,739
It is true that I found my husband's belt,

1189
00:53:20,822 --> 00:53:24,534
but I do take issue with him saying
he tried to find it, could not find it.

1190
00:53:24,910 --> 00:53:27,996
I want to tell you
how my husband looks for things.

1191
00:53:28,079 --> 00:53:29,247
[laughter]

1192
00:53:29,915 --> 00:53:33,376
He looks one place,
and if it's not there, he loses his mind.

1193
00:53:33,460 --> 00:53:34,628
[laughter]

1194
00:53:35,879 --> 00:53:39,174
This is my impression of my husband
as Sherlock Holmes.

1195
00:53:39,257 --> 00:53:41,551
"Watson, I believe the killer
was the coachman."

1196
00:53:41,635 --> 00:53:43,595
"Well, it couldn't have been
the coachman, Holmes.

1197
00:53:43,637 --> 00:53:44,888
The coachman was out of town."

1198
00:53:44,971 --> 00:53:46,973
"Then I don't fucking know, man!

1199
00:53:47,057 --> 00:53:48,183
[laughter]

1200
00:53:48,683 --> 00:53:50,769
I don't fucking know, Watson!"

1201
00:53:50,852 --> 00:53:52,020
[laughter]

1202
00:53:57,943 --> 00:54:00,403
It's true, I have OCD.

1203
00:54:00,695 --> 00:54:02,322
My husband has no CD.

1204
00:54:02,405 --> 00:54:04,491
[laughter]

1205
00:54:04,574 --> 00:54:07,535
And that,
I mean there is no amount of clutter

1206
00:54:08,119 --> 00:54:10,247
that can make him
even the least bit upset.

1207
00:54:10,330 --> 00:54:11,957
[laughter]

1208
00:54:12,040 --> 00:54:14,626
He is a glass-half-full kind of guy.

1209
00:54:14,709 --> 00:54:18,380
And by that, I mean
there is not one surface in our apartment

1210
00:54:18,463 --> 00:54:20,882
that does not have
a half-full glass of water on it.

1211
00:54:20,966 --> 00:54:22,008
[laughter]

1212
00:54:22,968 --> 00:54:25,053
Because despite being a full-grown man,

1213
00:54:25,136 --> 00:54:28,974
he can still not remember
how much water he needs when he's thirsty.

1214
00:54:29,057 --> 00:54:30,308
[laughter]

1215
00:54:30,934 --> 00:54:33,436
Nor can he remember
when he's thirsty again

1216
00:54:33,520 --> 00:54:36,731
that he has unfinished water
right next to where he was sitting.

1217
00:54:37,357 --> 00:54:39,484
So, however hard it is
to live with my OCD,

1218
00:54:39,567 --> 00:54:41,820
I assure you it's only a fraction as hard

1219
00:54:41,903 --> 00:54:44,948
as it is living with a man
who has aqua aphasia.

1220
00:54:45,031 --> 00:54:46,408
[laughter]

1221
00:54:49,703 --> 00:54:52,289
I'm a former prosecutor.
I'm a former sex crimes prosecutor.

1222
00:54:52,372 --> 00:54:55,268
And you would think, based on that,
that at the end of a hard day at work,

1223
00:54:55,292 --> 00:54:57,335
my husband, the comedian,
would cheer me up.

1224
00:54:57,419 --> 00:54:58,461
You'd be wrong.

1225
00:54:58,545 --> 00:54:59,963
[laughter]

1226
00:55:01,798 --> 00:55:04,551
One time, I came home
and he was lying on the couch.

1227
00:55:04,634 --> 00:55:05,885
And I said, "What's wrong?"

1228
00:55:05,969 --> 00:55:08,614
And he said, "Two of my jokes didn't work
in the monologue tonight."

1229
00:55:08,638 --> 00:55:10,140
And I said,
"You have a show tomorrow.

1230
00:55:10,223 --> 00:55:11,663
I'm sure you'll get them next time."

1231
00:55:11,725 --> 00:55:14,205
And the, he just rolled over
and made a noise, like... [groans]

1232
00:55:14,269 --> 00:55:15,645
[laughter]

1233
00:55:16,563 --> 00:55:19,858
And then, a full hour later, he finally
got around to asking how my day was.

1234
00:55:19,941 --> 00:55:22,902
And I said, "It was really hard.
We arrested a pedophile."

1235
00:55:22,986 --> 00:55:24,362
And then, I swear to God...

1236
00:55:25,071 --> 00:55:26,948
when he heard that word, he smiled.

1237
00:55:27,032 --> 00:55:28,408
[laughter]

1238
00:55:32,662 --> 00:55:34,022
And I said, "Why are you smiling?"

1239
00:55:34,080 --> 00:55:36,291
And he said,
"'Pedophile' is too fancy a word."

1240
00:55:36,374 --> 00:55:37,667
[laughter]

1241
00:55:38,460 --> 00:55:40,670
And I said, "That joke will never work."

1242
00:55:40,754 --> 00:55:42,464
[laughter]

1243
00:55:43,048 --> 00:55:45,258
And he said,
"It might work in Minneapolis.

1244
00:55:45,342 --> 00:55:46,384
[laughter]

1245
00:55:46,468 --> 00:55:47,635
[cheering and applause]

1246
00:55:47,719 --> 00:55:49,429
- You never know.
- [cheering]

1247
00:55:49,512 --> 00:55:51,681
Give it a chance in Minneapolis."

1248
00:55:51,765 --> 00:55:53,058
[applause]

1249
00:55:55,643 --> 00:55:57,395
[laughter]

1250
00:55:58,813 --> 00:56:00,357
I spit out the guacamole.

1251
00:56:00,440 --> 00:56:01,566
[laughter]

1252
00:56:01,649 --> 00:56:02,984
[applause]

1253
00:56:05,862 --> 00:56:06,862
[man cheers]

1254
00:56:10,909 --> 00:56:12,118
Who's the bitch now?

1255
00:56:12,202 --> 00:56:13,578
[laughter]

1256
00:56:16,664 --> 00:56:19,125
Every now and then,
I want to let my husband sleep in.

1257
00:56:19,209 --> 00:56:21,461
When I want to let him sleep in,
what I will do

1258
00:56:21,544 --> 00:56:23,046
is I will get up very quietly.

1259
00:56:23,129 --> 00:56:25,289
I will take our two boys,
I will bring them downstairs,

1260
00:56:25,340 --> 00:56:26,716
and I will make them breakfast.

1261
00:56:26,800 --> 00:56:30,887
When my husband wants to let me sleep in,
what he will do is he will wake me up...

1262
00:56:30,970 --> 00:56:32,263
[laughter]

1263
00:56:32,806 --> 00:56:35,475
and say, "I'm gonna let you sleep in."

1264
00:56:35,558 --> 00:56:36,851
[laughter]

1265
00:56:41,648 --> 00:56:44,109
Because he can't even go an hour

1266
00:56:44,692 --> 00:56:46,194
without getting thanked.

1267
00:56:46,277 --> 00:56:47,612
[laughter]

1268
00:56:51,157 --> 00:56:54,077
And by they way,
I'm not gonna make it an hour,

1269
00:56:54,494 --> 00:56:56,621
because there are so many questions.

1270
00:56:56,704 --> 00:57:01,584
The morning that he tries to help out,
there are so many questions.

1271
00:57:01,668 --> 00:57:04,188
He'll go downstairs, then he'll
come back up and just say, like,

1272
00:57:04,254 --> 00:57:06,047
"Hey, what do the kids eat?
How do I make it?

1273
00:57:06,131 --> 00:57:07,549
Where do I put it? In their mouths?

1274
00:57:07,632 --> 00:57:09,112
When they're done, how do I clean up?

1275
00:57:09,175 --> 00:57:11,636
Do I do all the dishes
or just throw them in the garbage?"

1276
00:57:11,719 --> 00:57:13,346
[laughter]

1277
00:57:13,430 --> 00:57:15,306
And then,
I'm so frustrated that I just get up

1278
00:57:15,390 --> 00:57:18,184
'cause it's easier to do it myself
than explain it all to him.

1279
00:57:18,268 --> 00:57:19,686
And then, he gets frustrated at me

1280
00:57:19,769 --> 00:57:22,230
and says, "I will never learn
unless you teach me."

1281
00:57:22,313 --> 00:57:24,274
And when he says that to me, I am so happy

1282
00:57:24,357 --> 00:57:26,357
that the windows in our apartment
have child locks,

1283
00:57:26,401 --> 00:57:29,404
because if they didn't,
I would open them up and throw myself out.

1284
00:57:29,487 --> 00:57:30,780
[laughter]

1285
00:57:32,407 --> 00:57:34,617
Because how do you not know?

1286
00:57:34,701 --> 00:57:35,535
[laughter]

1287
00:57:35,618 --> 00:57:36,703
There's that expression,

1288
00:57:36,786 --> 00:57:39,205
"If you give a man a fish,
you will feed him for a day.

1289
00:57:39,289 --> 00:57:41,833
If you teach a man to fish,
you will feed him for life."

1290
00:57:41,916 --> 00:57:46,045
My question that I ask my husband now is,
"How do you not know how to fucking fish?

1291
00:57:46,129 --> 00:57:47,380
[laughter]

1292
00:57:47,881 --> 00:57:50,175
You watch me fish every day.

1293
00:57:50,717 --> 00:57:53,011
And then, when it's your turn to fish,
you eat the worm

1294
00:57:53,094 --> 00:57:55,180
and throw the whole fucking rod
in the water.

1295
00:57:55,263 --> 00:57:56,473
[laughter]

1296
00:57:56,556 --> 00:57:57,724
What's wrong with you?"

1297
00:57:57,807 --> 00:57:59,058
[cheering and applause]

1298
00:58:02,812 --> 00:58:05,023
Sometimes my husband
will open the refrigerator

1299
00:58:05,106 --> 00:58:06,649
and say, "We're out of yogurt."

1300
00:58:06,733 --> 00:58:08,693
And I will say,
"We are not out of yogurt."

1301
00:58:08,776 --> 00:58:12,447
And he will say, "I swear to God,
there's no yogurt in this refrigerator."

1302
00:58:12,739 --> 00:58:16,034
And I will say, "Please don't make me
come over there and find the yogurt."

1303
00:58:16,117 --> 00:58:17,327
[laughter]

1304
00:58:18,119 --> 00:58:23,166
And he will say, "On our child's lives,
there is no yogurt in this refrigerator."

1305
00:58:24,501 --> 00:58:26,301
And then,
I will walk over to the refrigerator

1306
00:58:26,336 --> 00:58:28,671
and it will take me this long
to find the yogurt.

1307
00:58:28,755 --> 00:58:30,298
[laughter]

1308
00:58:31,841 --> 00:58:33,218
[cheering and applause]

1309
00:58:35,970 --> 00:58:38,932
This is my husband if he was Apollo 13.

1310
00:58:39,015 --> 00:58:41,142
"Houston, we have a problem.

1311
00:58:41,768 --> 00:58:43,520
There is no moon."

1312
00:58:43,603 --> 00:58:45,104
[laughter]

1313
00:58:50,693 --> 00:58:53,571
And then I would say,
"Have you looked out both windows?"

1314
00:58:53,655 --> 00:58:54,948
[laughter]

1315
00:58:56,866 --> 00:58:58,493
And then, there'd be a pause.

1316
00:58:58,576 --> 00:58:59,619
[laughter]

1317
00:58:59,702 --> 00:59:03,414
And he'd say,
"Houston... we're good to go."

1318
00:59:03,498 --> 00:59:04,666
[laughter]

1319
00:59:05,542 --> 00:59:06,542
But guys, I feel bad.

1320
00:59:07,877 --> 00:59:09,128
I do feel bad about something.

1321
00:59:09,212 --> 00:59:10,380
Every tenth time...

1322
00:59:10,880 --> 00:59:12,048
there is no yogurt...

1323
00:59:12,715 --> 00:59:16,302
Every tenth time I have just forgotten
that we ran out of yogurt,

1324
00:59:16,386 --> 00:59:18,304
and we did not replace the yogurt.

1325
00:59:18,388 --> 00:59:22,600
But now my husband is too afraid of me
to ask me to find the yogurt.

1326
00:59:22,684 --> 00:59:24,102
[laughter]

1327
00:59:24,185 --> 00:59:27,272
And so, he'll just stand there
with the refrigerator door open

1328
00:59:27,355 --> 00:59:30,149
looking for yogurt that is not there.

1329
00:59:30,233 --> 00:59:31,651
[laughter]

1330
00:59:31,734 --> 00:59:34,696
And in those moments where I see him,

1331
00:59:35,446 --> 00:59:39,367
with the blue light of the refrigerator
illuminating his stupid face...

1332
00:59:39,450 --> 00:59:40,952
[laughter]

1333
00:59:41,035 --> 00:59:44,497
as he scans the only three shelves
over and over again...

1334
00:59:44,581 --> 00:59:45,999
[laughter]

1335
00:59:46,082 --> 00:59:48,501
In that moment, I think to myself,
"As long...

1336
00:59:49,419 --> 00:59:51,004
as I can make him do this...

1337
00:59:51,087 --> 00:59:52,672
[laughter]

1338
00:59:52,964 --> 00:59:55,091
I will never be bored in this marriage."

1339
00:59:55,174 --> 00:59:56,884
[cheering and applause]

1340
00:59:57,594 --> 01:00:00,263
Thank you, guys, so much!
You've been amazing!

1341
01:00:00,346 --> 01:00:01,598
[cheering and applause]

1342
01:00:01,931 --> 01:00:03,308
Good night, Minneapolis.

1343
01:00:03,391 --> 01:00:04,391
[rock music plays]

1344
01:00:04,434 --> 01:00:06,185
[cheering and applause]