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[CHATTERING]
WOMAN: On the count of three.
One, two, three!
MAN: Try the ring toss. Three for a quarter. Look how easy it is.
There you go, a winner!
And now, for my shocking finale.
Not for the squeamish.
Not for the faint of heart.
I call my trick "The Jaws of Death. "
[WHISPERS] Now. Say it. Say it.
Harold, use your awesome might to save me from this hopeless plight.
No harm will come to you. Alakazam!
[SCREAMING]
Help me! Help me!
I'm going to be an actress.
[GUNSHOTS]
HARRY: It's hard to believe it was last Christmas...
... that me and Harmony changed the world.
And we didn't mean to. And it didn't last long, you know.
A thing like that can 't.
Now that I'm in L.A., I go to parties. The kind where if a girl is named Jill...
...she spells it J- Y-L-L-E, that bullshit.
That's me there. My name 's Harry Lockhart, I'll be your narrator.
Welcome to L.A.
Welcome to the party.
The guy smoking, that's Dabney Shaw, my producer. He discovered me.
The man with him is Perry Van Shrike, a.k.a. Gay Perry.
Honest-to-God private eye, consults in film, TV. Just incorporated.
He's bigtime. Also, he 's gay.
Don't start, Perry, huh?
I seen you play ball. You' re tough. But you see a naked guy...
...your brain says, " I want that. "
I don't make that leap. It's like, "Look, there's an elephant. Quick...
...Let's drain its blood to paint my boathouse. "
It's just that that's not the first thing you think of.
L.A.
By now you may wonder how I wound up here, or maybe not.
Maybe you wonder how Silly Putty picks shit up from comic books.
Point is, I don 't see another goddamn narrator, so pipe down.
How did I get here? See for yourself.
HARRY: Chloe, just run the name by me one more time...
... because I must be missing something.
I' m going nuts. I've been through the store three times.
CHLOE [OVER PHONE]: Cyber Agent. C-Y-B-E-- Why don 't you ask...
- ... an employee or something? - No, they' re all busy.
Ah! " Protocop, protector of man. " Is that it? Protocop? He protects men.
Uncle Harry, look around. There are signs.
That show was cancelled two years ago. Just ask-- Wait, are they even open?
Yeah, it's holiday hours. Look--
[WHISPERS] Get away from the window.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] - -I gotta go, but I'll find this.
- Great. RICHIE: Shit, Harry, that shit went wrong!
HARRY: Give me the gun! RICHIE: No. Give me the bullets!
WOMAN: Freeze!
RICHIE: You gotta be fucking kidding me. - We'll stand here and wait for the police.
Drop the gun. We didn't do anything. We are not dangerous. Drop the gun.
- Hey, lady, gun is not loaded-- - Richie, no!
Richie!
Shit!
[SIREN WAILING]
Oh, boy.
Take it easy.
Jesus. Oh, no, no. We're not ready for you yet, sir.
- Go wait with the others. - Grace, do me a favor, let's take him.
- He's ready. You're ready? - Ready?
Okay, come on.
You know the setup? Got any questions?
He's got no questions. Look at him. Let's go.
GRACE: Let's read.
- Where is he? Where's Raphael? - Where is he?
Where's--?
Beat up on me all night. You want me to give up my partner, you can go spit.
GRACE: Quit acting like the good guy, jerk-off.
You got your partner killed.
He was in over his head, you knew it.
You may as well have pulled the trigger.
You killed him!
No, I didn't-- I didn't kill him. He wanted in.
Why--?
Why? !
I didn't want him to come in on it. He insisted.
I said, "Stay at home. " But he doesn't listen. He's such a stupid son of a bitch.
I killed him, didn't l?
Oh, fuck, this is my fault. I'm sorry.
COP: Sorry.
Hey, good luck.
See, this is what I'm talking about. Old school. Method.
- Studio. - Brando. Put this in the pouch to L.A.
Get Gay Perry on the phone.
Now, get this, they're screen-testing me. Is that wild?
One minute, I'm boosting Xboxes in the East Village...
... the next, I'm sipping champagne in L.A.
WOMAN: Hi. - Hey.
So, what do you do for a living?
I' m retired. I invented dice when I was a kid.
Oh.
- How about you? - I do a little acting.
[SCREAMS]
I'm gonna see who else is here.
Anyway, that's how I got to the party.
Now, Harmony, different story.
Some will tell you she got here on account of the giant robot.
I'll show you that in a minute.
But for me, robot-schmobot, she was destined to be here.
Jeez, look at those stems, will you?
Not that that's what constitutes why she should be here.
Yes, racist. I' m serious.
The other reindeer laughed at him. Then, out of the blue, they need him.
He's as good as a fog light or whatever.
You know what, so you tell me, how is it any different than:
"Don't talk to Reggie, he's black.
Oh, wait, he can play basketball. Sign him up. "
Huh? Rudolph, Reggie.
Harmony Faith Lane was your typical L.A. girl, she wasn't from there.
She grew up in a burg in southern Indiana.
"When in doubt, cut up a pig. " That was the town motto.
Like most soon-to-be-fucked-up girls, Harmony was wicked smart.
Of course, credit where credit's due...
...she had a terrific mentor. No, not her.
Him.
HARMONY: " 'Go to hell, Jonny Gossamer! '
She poured herself into a seamless dress.
From the looks of it, she spilled some. "
Jonny spoke from the pages of cheap paperbacks...
...and told of a promised land known as "the Coast"...
...and a magical city called Los Angeles.
As the years progressed, she wished he was real.
Wished that he would come to Indiana to save her little sister, Jenna.
You see, Papa was at her night after night.
But Jonny never showed.
And then the guy writing the books died.
Age 16, she split.
Took the bus to L.A. , the promised land.
She 'd get rich and famous and then help little sis.
Before he died...
... the guy who wrote the books said Jonny was a joke.
He wrote it for money, and it was all bullshit.
Harmony ignored this. She knew better. I mean, who the hell was he?
He was just a writer.
And that's how she got to the same party as me--
Oh, shit. I skipped something.
Damn it. This whole robot bit. I made a big deal, then I totally forgot.
Fuck, this is bad narrating. Like my dad telling a joke.
"Oh, wait, back up. I forgot to tell you the cowboy rode a blue horse. " Fuck.
I don 't know if you want to see it now, but here 's the fucking robot stuff.
Can I say "fuck" more?
ANNOUNCER [ON TV]: Now back to Protocop, starring Jeff Neal.
[CLATTERING]
HARMONY: What the--?
Oh, my God.
Hey!
[CRASHING]
[CAT SCREECHES]
REPORTER: Sources close to Neal...
... who has not worked as an actor in two years...
...say he seemed despondent earlier tonight...
... during a rerun of Protocop.
The actor, who still retains a costume he wore on the show...
...allegedly dressed up...
...stumbled down the bike path and wandered into this Venice Beach house...
... where aspiring actress Harmony Faith Lane was shocked to discover him.
I'd jog by, "Hi, hello, " you know, that sort of thing.
- Whoa, who's this? HARMONY: I feel for the guy.
This city can 't get enough of messing with people.
Like putting a whoopee cushion on the seat of an electric chair.
- Like that. - They always do this.
You can never see below the waist. It's like a Playmate in 1 964.
It was always behind the bedpost or there's a shadow. You never--
What am I telling you for? Invite her to something.
HARRY: And there it was. Bingo.
Destiny.
You know what, you better be her doctor.
Walk away. Don't think, just do it.
What, are you her brother or something? It's none of your business, man.
- I will fuck you up. - No, you'll try.
And that little experiment will end in tears, my friend.
So again, for the cheap seats, do not think, walk the fuck away.
Or let's you and me go outside right now.
It's past my bedtime.
Make a choice.
Asshole.
You all right?
Yeah.
Thanks, bro.
One day, I'll actually learn how to fight.
- Perry Van Shrike. - Hey. Harry Lockhart.
HARRY: I heard about you. You're the whatchamacallit, the consultant.
- You must be-- Anyway.... - Gay Perry?
Yeah. Right. Dabney calls you that.
- I guess you guys are old buddies. - Five years now.
Wow, five years.
- Still gay? - Me? No.
I'm knee-deep in pussy. I just like the name so much, I can't get rid of it.
MAN: You should know better than to fall asleep at a party. There's freaks here.
PERRY: Dabney wants you to take detective lessons.
- Come again? - For your acting.
I've got surveillance tomorrow. You game?
What's the person like? Crime lord?
Please. I'm guessing some sad, lonely little man...
...who single-handedly haunts his own home in the Hollywood Hills.
That was incredibly gay.
- Good God. Ouch. - Yeah, you should see the other guy.
Harry, this is our generous host, Harlan Dexter.
Ah, yes, of course. You're Dabney's golden boy from back East.
I hope it isn't past your bedtime.
No, sir. My mom used to say I had the neon disease.
When the neon lights came on, I woke up.
I'm afraid I'm similarly afflicted. My daughter just lived 1 0 years in Paris.
She says it is heaven for the vampire set.
If you'll excuse me, apparently I'm meant to help cut this monstrosity.
Mom's gone, so it's just him and his born-again little bundle of joy.
HARRY: Born-again? That's precious. PERRY: Isn't it?
Three months ago, she was suing him over Mom's millions.
He called her a-- Well, a bad word.
Cunt. Welcome to Hollywood.
HARRY: Okay, I apologize.
That is a terrible scene. It's like, "Why was that in the movie?
Gee, you think maybe it'll come back later, maybe? "
I hate that. A TV's on, talking about the new power plant.
Hmm. Wonder where the climax will happen.
Or that shot of the cook in Hunt for Red October. Sorry.
WOMAN: Hi, thank you for coming.
Hey, do you know that blond gal who just left?
Oh, the one with the guy that beat the shit out of you? No.
Bye, have a better night.
She had something, that gal, this quality.
Like the girl from high school...
...the one that got away. You know what I mean? That haunts you still.
- Yeah, I had that. - You did?
Bobby Mills.
Huh.
Well, maybe you should try to get in touch.
I got 5 bucks says you could still get him.
Really? That's funny. I got a 1 0 says, "Pass the pepper. "
I got two quarters harmonizing on "Moonlight in Vermont. "
- What? - Talking money.
- A talking monkey? - Talking monkey, yeah.
Came here from the future. Ugly sucker. Only says, "Ficus. "
Detective lessons tomorrow.
- Don't forget. - Okay.
- And Harry.... - Huh?
Come here.
That girl, I know her. She's done some work for me.
Try the Domino Room.
Where's that?
[ENGINE STARTS]
[CHATTERING]
- Hey there. I'm Flicka. - Hey.
- How are you? - Good. So, what do you do?
- I'm a private detective. And you? - I'm a stewardess.
- Really? - Yeah.
- Well, nice to meet you. - That it?
- Yeah. - Yep.
Could I have a Jack and soda? Thanks.
Evening. Harry.
God, I'm sore.
I mean, physically, not like a guy who's angry in a movie in the 1 950s.
- Didn't I see you at a party hours ago? - Why?
- Why what? - Why me?
Seriously, why not the girl over there? Look, she's very pretty.
Which one?
HARMONY: On the left, next to Brazilian Billy Bob Thornton.
HARRY: Oh, that's a bit of a reach.
I'm interrupting. I feel badly. What are you drinking?
- Bad. - Bad? Sorry?
- You feel bad. - Bad?
"Badly" is an adverb. To say you feel badly says that the mechanism...
- ... which allows you to feel is broken. - Well, that one over there?
HARMONY: Between-- Oh, God, nix, nix. That's--
- The blond. The blond's pathetic. - Because?
For starters, she's been fucked more times than she's had hot meals.
I heard. It was neck and neck, and then she skipped lunch.
- Worst thing, though.... - Do tell.
Worst thing is she's 35 years old and still trying to act.
I see her at auditions all the time.
- It's over, baby. You missed. - That's charitable of you.
May I ask how old you are?
- Go for it. - Okay, how old are you?
- Thirty-four. - Yeah?
- I'm a baby. - Where's your buddy? The guy you--
- The guy you left the party with? - He's a fucking asshole.
I just needed a ride. Sorry, I swear a lot.
- I know. It's okay. - Did you know the host?
- No. - He looked familiar, though.
Probably an actor.
Buzz, buzz.
Go away, Mr. Fly.
- I was talking to your friend. - She doesn't want to talk to you.
Sunshine, she'll be back to you in a minute. Relax.
She doesn't have a minute.
Tell you what, if you change your mind about that drink...
...I'll be over there with Native American Joe Pesci.
[LAUGHS]
- You are so.... - That was good, right?
Why are you humoring him? Stop it.
You know what, there's an empty table over there.
I hear it's a recommended cheeseball hangout.
Your mouth is a recommended place to put a sock.
Princess. Scary friend.
Goddamn it.
Harry Lockhart, are you gonna recognize me or what?
God! Embrey, Indiana!
Loves snakes, afraid of spiders.
Come on, remember? You were Amazing Harry--
- No, no, no. Harold the Great. - Harmony?
You cut me in half, remember?
Oh, shit. Oh, my God. How are you?
HARRY: Okay, I was a bad narrator again...
...because the kid at the beginning, the magician, that was me.
I don 't want to put this on you...
...but if you've been paying attention, I shouldn't have to--
Great. No wonder. Ma and Pa Kettle. I got an idea.
Why not put these two lame-o extras in front of the mammoth fucking lens?
Boo. Scat. Fat lady, leave.
See there? "Harold. "
Remember how I said this high school chick haunted me?
How seeing Harmony made me think of her?
That's because it was her. It all came flooding back.
How I was the one she confided in.
While she was doing every other guy.
It was the first time I felt that how pitying someone...
...and wanting to fuck them can get all tangled up in your head.
Overwhelming sadness. Meanwhile, you got a rodney.
Is that sick? I think-- Yeah, I think that's sick.
Leaving my sister back home, leaving her there all alone....
Hardest thing I ever did.
Do you remember when we were real little...
...and a movie crew came to town?
That mystery flick with the guy, Jonny what's-his-name?
- Gossamer. - Jonny Gossamer. Right.
Your mom went nuts, and she bought all the books and stuff.
- That was-- God, that was forever ago. - Yeah, that was back in the day.
Harry...
...I didn't get famous.
Yet.
I did...
...get to do this one commercial.
- You're shitting me. - Yeah.
Which one?
Well, you know the one with the, um-- The bear?
And it goes-- Well, this is funny.
- "I prefer Genaros, but--" - "But I'm a bear, what do I know?
I suck heads off fish. " That was you?
- Oh, my God. - Yeah, it was. Yeah.
- That's awesome. - Whoo. Commercial.
Come on, that's a big deal.
- That's a national commercial. - Harry, stop.
It's nothing. There was actually this kind of cool moment where I got...
...to sort of do the wave.
Whoo.
"I prefer Genaros. "
- Whatever, it's nothing. - It's pretty cool.
- It's nothing special at all. - Well, I think it's special.
Punk-rock Steven Seagal thinks it's special.
Right there, at your 11 o'clock.
That's dead-on, right?
That's all right. I had him pegged when I came in.
Come back to the hotel for a little while, just have one drink. Bring your friend.
It'd just be a drink. You'll be home faster than you can say "Jack Robinson. "
I don't know about that. I can say...
- ... "Jack Robinson" pretty fast. - I'm timing you.
Jack Robinson.
- Do you have any idea what time it is? - I know, I'm really sorry.
God, you still look great. You're just stunning. I like--
- Why are you here? - Good question.
Sounds crazy, but I don't remember what occurred...
...between the hours of 2 and 5, a blur.
- Really? Where's Marleah? - Marleah?
- The girl you.... - Marleah fell asleep at my place...
...and I didn't see you leave--
I left when you had your tongue down her throat.
- I did? - Yeah.
God. No, wrong throat, wrong woman. That's bad.
Yeah, that's bad. You got 1 0 seconds, Harry.
Oh, boy, pressure, pressure. I came here...
...because I think you're intelligent and attractive--
That's plenty. Stop. Oh, my God! I can't believe you'd come here...
...to tell me you like me after you fucked my friend!
That's just it, I didn't. I believe that I did not.
What? You said you don't remember!
If I don't remember because I was drunk, how could I have gotten it up?
I know this is outrageous and not normal.
I'm not pretending that I'm normal. I just chickened out--
HARRY [WHISPERING]: Moron. Why? Why? Why?
HARRY: And the plots, they all have this thing, this formula that was so cool.
Seriously, I would go through one in a day.
PERRY: A whole book in one day. Wow. - See, Gossamer would always take on...
...two cases that were seemingly unrelated.
One's normal and the other's some wild shit...
...then you'd find out that they're connected.
That it's all one case.
That's the essence of the--
Yeah, I get that all the time. Would you mind not rooting around in there?
Oh, wow.
It's tiny. Is this real?
Yeah, it's a derringer. It's loaded.
- I call it my faggot gun. - Because?
It's only good for a couple shots, then you gotta drop it for something better.
You asked, chief.
On with our lesson.
PERRY: My client is one Allison Ames. A-M-E-S.
HARRY: Ames.
PERRY: Female. She hired me to do some video surveillance.
- ls she a looker? - Oh, man.
She opens the door, she got nothing on but the radio.
Invites me to sit down, sits on my lap...
- ... fires up a smoke. - Jeez. Really?
- No. Idiot. - Oh.
She hired me over the phone.
- Paid for it with a credit card. - Okay.
Rule number one: This business, real life, it's boring.
- Do you have to smoke? - You want me to put it out?
PERRY: Soon as you find a large, brown clump of shrubs, just throw it in there.
- So you knew Harmony in high school. - Mm-hmm.
PERRY: You said she dissed you.
HARRY: No, not really. She fucked every other guy but me.
No, that's not true. She made one concession.
She agreed not to fuck my best friend, Chook Chutney.
He was my best friend, so she gave me that.
PERRY: Well, that was nice of her. - Even if he asked, she said she wouldn't.
Stay put. Be quiet.
- "Chook Chutney"? - Mm-hmm.
Yeah, he's gay.
[DOOR OPENS]
[CLUNKING]
- What's wrong with his car? - Do I look like a mechanic?
HARRY: Are we gonna follow him? PERRY: Where'd he go?
HARRY: He was right in front of us, then he cut in-- Where is he?
What the hell. He's gotta be somewhere. He turned right in front of us.
[CAR APPROACHING]
- Jesus! - Oh! Shit!
PERRY: Harry, come back.
Harry.
- There's no one in the car. Harry. - What?
PERRY: Harry, stop.
HARRY: I think it's going down. - Wait, the sound.
HARRY: Check the back seat. - No, get the keys!
The keys! Get the keys!
Perry.
Perry?
[MUFFLED GUNSHOTS]
Shit.
Perry!
HARRY: Where'd she come from?
PERRY: She was in the trunk. I had to shoot the lock to get it open.
Oh, Jesus.
God, what did they do to her face?
- ls she dead? - No. She's resting her eyes for a minute.
Of course she's fucking dead. Her neck's broken.
[CAR APPROACHING]
- Hey, what the hell's going on? - Shut up.
- Hey, we got a dead girl here! - Hey, shut up.
HARRY: Two guys in masks, and there they go.
What the fuck is going on? This is bad.
We gotta roll before the cops come.
- Nix. We go right to the cops. - Exactly, to the cops...
...who'll believe that she broke her neck before you shot her in the head.
What?
- Come on, we gotta go. - Oh, God.
- We gotta go. Go, go, go. - Oh, God.
Oh, God.
- All right, we're out of here. - We gotta go, go, go.
Where's my gun?
- No, l-- - Give me my gun.
- I got rid of it. - Say again.
Threw it in the lake. You wouldn't, I would.
I got priors in New York, so I can't be messing around--
- You threw it away? - It's evidence.
- Watch it. Relax. - Okay, okay. No, I'm sorry.
- I got a little nonplussed there. - This is crazy. I understand.
- What is that? Is that a clue? - What do you mean?
- Do you see that? - In the thing?
What were you thinking?
My $2000 ceramic Vektor my mother got me as a special gift...
...you threw next to the car. What happens when they drag the lake?
You think they'll find my pistol?
Jesus. Look up "idiot" in the dictionary. You know what you'll find?
- A picture of me? - No...
...the definition of the word "idiot, " which you fucking are.
PERRY: Bitch client.
Hires me, has me witness a murder.
- Can I use a dry towel? This towel's wet. - No.
- This towel is wet. - The towel is for the seat.
This was for your shoes. You handed it to me for my face?
- This is wet. Can I use a dry--? - It's dirty. No.
- Can l--? - No. Stop dripping.
Shit better be improving your acting.
[THUNDER RUMBLING]
[TIRES SCREECH]
- Get out. - Sorry about the gun.
PERRY: Whatever. Out.
Go. Sleep badly.
Any questions, hesitate to call.
- Bad. - Excuse me?
Sleep bad.
Otherwise, it seems like the mechanism that allows sleep--
What, fuckhead? "Badly" is an adverb. Who taught you grammar? Out. Vanish.
HARRY: I'll give you a buzz. - Die.
[TIRES SCREECH]
That's all right, don't apologize.
- Blow me. You forgot this. - Oh, thanks.
- Hello? MAN: I'm trying to locate Harry Lockhart.
- Speaking. - I'm detective Sgt. Kale.
Mind answering a question or two?
Of course, no problem. Fire away, officer.
Are you familiar with a woman by the name of Harmony Faith Lane?
Yeah, what's this--?
Are you aware of giving your number to Miss Lane recently?
- On a slip of paper, perhaps? - No.
- Are you sure? - Well, maybe she had my number. Why?
We 're required by law to treat every suicide as a potential homicide.
Harmony Lane shot herself, sir.
- Suicide? - Yes--
Hello?
- I'll be goddamned. - Jesus.
Don't blame yourself. Listen...
- ... sometimes these things just happen-- - For a reason.
For a reason? Fuck that.
Why? Because I fall off a building, 1 0 people in Baltimore...
...survive a bus crash?
Swell, they're enjoying Baltimore. I'm lying here with my brains out.
I've been to Baltimore, you win.
Listen...
- ... I'm really sorry. I gotta go. - Yeah.
I gotta go.
I have to go.
ANNOUNCER: Genaros. Pure drinking pleasure.
BEAR: I prefer Genaros. But what do I know? I'm a bear.
I suck the heads off fish.
ANNOUNCER: Genaros.
HARRY: I was tired. I was pissed.
I was wetter than Drew Barrymore at a grunge club.
I needed a hot bath, a warm bed.
But the night had other plans for me.
- Oh, you did? CHLOE: I got the Cyber Agent.
- You got the Cyber Agent. - It has all the cool weapons.
You got Protocop coming too.
It's gonna be worth more too because I think he's, like, paralyzed now.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Son of a bitch!
HARRY: See, I forgot, old Jonny, he always had two cases. Remember?
How are you?
Hey.
She's gone, Harry.
HARRY: Yeah. HARMONY: She's gone.
I know. Who?
DETECTIVE: Fact is, she stole not only your credit card, but your ID.
We're very sorry about the mix-up on our part.
So are you willing to positively identify this woman as your--
- My sister! Yes! - Your sister was here?
Oh, God! God, we haven't spoken in years.
She's never forgiven me for leaving her all alone.
- I'm just gonna get you a blanket. - I don't want a blanket!
- But you're shivering. - God! I don't care!
You're freaking me out. Will you relax, okay?
- Oh, God. - I'm so glad that you're okay...
...but now, I don't know, you're making me more nervous. Sit down.
- Okay. - Tell me what happened.
Yesterday, Jenna, she got into my house, Harry.
She must have been broke, I don't know.
She swiped 200 bucks, a credit card, California ID, God knows what else.
- Right. - Oh, God.
- No more lies, Harry. - No.
No.
Are you a detective?
- Are you a detective? - Who told you that?
Flicka. Flicka. You know, my friend? She told me.
She told me you were a detective.
- lf you are, then I really need your help. - Well--
That's empty, honey.
Okay, I know this sounds crazy, Harry, but listen. Okay. Okay.
My sister's been living out here....
HARRY: Harmony's sister, dead. What the hell?
What was she even doing here? The lady in the lake, now the sister.
This was two corpses in three hours. Am I crazy? That's unusual, right?
Yeah, looking back, I maybe should've told her...
...I wasn't really a nipple-- Detective.
Detective. Sorry. I should've said something, but she wouldn't shut up.
The card she stole from me was maxed out.
Right before she died, she charged over $2000 on it. That's weird, isn't it?
Sentron something. Some bullshit company! Plus--
Red flag, Harry. She took her birth control pill for the day.
Why would she even bother with the pill, huh?
She was murdered, Harry. She was murdered. She was murdered.
Honey, all right. Relax, relax, relax. Okay, relax.
Are you gonna help me, Harry?
- I gotta check my schedule-- - lf you're not gonna help me...
...I need to get out of here, find someone that'll help me.
- I just gotta check my schedule. - Can you help me?
If you're not gonna help me, I need to find somebody else!
- My caseload is pretty-- - Oh, Harry, thank you.
[THUD]
[HARRY GROANS]
Yuck, come on.
- It was nothing. I didn't do anything. - What are you doing?
- I didn't do anything. - You were grabbing my tit.
No, there was a spider. There was a big spider.
- Oh, please, whatever. - I swear to God.
Look, I'll find it. I'll find the thing. Where are you? Fuzzy little bitch.
- Whatever. It's okay, I believe you. - Clearly, you don't.
Look, Harry, you grabbed my tit. It's life, all right? It's no biggie.
No biggie? Guy grabs your tit, "That's life, no biggie"?
I mean, what kind of talk is that?
No, you tell me. What kind of talk is that? I can't believe you.
I can't believe that that's the reaction that--
See there?
Yeah.
- I trust you. - Right.
What is your problem? I'm letting you off the hook. You didn't do anything.
No, but you thought I did.
Do you get it? I'm on the hook. The hook is my home. Do you understand?
Listen to me. I grab your tit, it's a fucking biggie!
That came out wrong. But what I'm saying is...
...you act like, "Oops, it's an okay lapse. You know, everybody does it. "
What the fuck kind of guys you hang out with here?
I mean, are you the kind of girl who like, you know... ?
Who what, Harry?
Who what?
Forget it.
I'm sorry, just relax. Just get some rest, okay?
Okay, we'll start on your case tomorrow. All right?
- Afternoon good? HARMONY: Whatever, Harry.
- I'm going. HARRY: Okay.
HARMONY: I'm taking some sweats. - Yeah, anything you want to borrow.
- I'll give them back. - Yeah. Yeah, anything in the drawer.
If it's in the drawer, it's clean.
HARMONY: Night, Harry.
[HARRY GASPS]
Harry?
This is....
- This is really great. - Isn�t it?
HARMONY: I'm leaving. - Yeah, some nice rest.
HARMONY: Bye.
HARRY [WHISPERS]: Fuck off--!
Say again? They gave her back?
Yes. She's in my shower. I'm looking at her, for chrissake.
That's impossible. They don 't even know you.
You' re right. The body can't be here. This is all a dream. There's Elmo the elf.
Morning, Elmo. What's in your basket?
- Shut up. How did they get in? - I don't know.
How am I supposed to know? Fire escape, maybe.
Okay, first things first. We gotta move her somewhere. You got gloves?
- Excuse me? - Gloves. Do you have gloves?
You have to move her. If it's a frame-up, some asshole's calling the cops on you.
Do this: Wrap up the body in a blanket, a sheet, anything.
- Okay, any particular kind of gloves? - Yes, fawn.
Will you fucking hurry?
- Perry? - Yeah?
- I peed on it. - What? You peed on what?
I peed on the corpse. Can they do, like, an ID from that?
- l' m sorry, you peed on--? - On the corpse. My question is--
No, my question. I get to go first.
Why in poo-perfect hell would you pee on a corpse?
It's not like I did it for kicks.
You said this doesn't happen. This is your fault!
Shut up and listen.
- First, we have to wrap the body. - Okay.
Second, you've got to find the gun.
- Say this with me, " Find the gun. " - Find the gun.
Damn it, I threw it in the lake.
Not my gun, idiot. They dropped the body on you, it's a frame-up.
Then they also have planted a gun, trust me. Move it.
I'll be there in four minutes.
Caller specified room 71 4, some sort of brawl or something. Violent.
Yeah, 71 4. Lockhart.
- Let me get you the key. - Actually, it's not 71 4, it's 51 4.
I was just up there, and it's really noisy.
- Let's get the key. - Yep, pretty awful.
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
PERRY: Don't answer that. - Yeah, duh.
- That it? - No, that's the corpse...
...from the last guy who stayed here.
Fuck off. Was there a gun?
Yeah, it's right here. Perry, sons of bitches made us, made me.
I'm in town for two days, they know who I am and where to find me.
- That's impossible. - Yeah, it's totally nuts. Back stairway.
HARRY: I forgot to tell you, Harmony's alive.
She thinks her sister was murdered.
PERRY: Come again? - Never mind.
HARRY: See, these dudes tonight, they see two assholes out of nowhere.
- What do they think? PERRY: They think we know something.
They panic. They got a body, they've gotta dispose of the evidence.
In my shower? Come on, you said real life.
- They were setting you up, dummy. - They're not setting me up. Shut up.
You change your tune every five minutes.
- Kiss me. - What? No, no, no.
Check out Doris and Lucinda over here.
[SPITS AND GAGS]
These lessons suck.
I quit. This is not being a detective. Corpses floating in lakes...
...people kissing people. This is wrong. This is every shade of wrong.
HARMONY: Somebody wanna fill me in?
She thinks I'm a detective, so go along with it.
- What? - Don't fuck me up.
Hey.
Do you know the cops are looking for you, Harry?
- Yeah. They are? - Yeah.
I sent them to the wrong room. I didn't know what else to do.
You did fine. Perry and l, we're just--
- Hiya, Perry. - We're just running, you know, a game.
Perry, what do you call it?
The old Bring Them In and Push Them Out. That's what we're doing.
What's going on?
Why are you and Perry nacking on each other?
HARRY: I sent her home believing...
...A, we'd meet tomorrow to go over her case...
...and, B, I wasn't actually gay.
Do not ask me how I did B.
Why didn't we just leave it there?
Think, dummy. A 91 1 call from your hotel room...
...all of a sudden, there's a corpse outside? Bad idea.
Speaking of bad ideas, what's this about you taking on your own case?
Of all the dipshit things to do.
- Killed herself, by the way. - Huh?
Killed herself. There. I solved your case for you.
- Harmony's convinced-- - I don't care about-- Listen to me.
- Little sis punched her own ticket. - Okay. Gotcha.
All right, this looks good up ahead. Time to lose the luggage.
Sorry, sweetheart.
You deserved better.
HARMONY: Before I left, I got her into foster care.
I've never told you just how awful he treated her. My dad, I'm talking about.
HARRY: I'll tell you what, I take notes, in general...
...so if you're just real specific, thorough and precise, that'll help.
HARMONY: I remember only lying to her one time.
I said to her:
"Maybe the man who is living here is not your father. "
You told your sister she was adopted, yeah?
No, I did one better.
I told her her real father was an actor...
...who was in the movie that came through town.
- Jonny Gossamer-- - Jonny Gossamer movie. That's right.
I told Jenna one day she'd go to Hollywood...
...and she'd meet her famous, real father.
She believed me, Harry, and she came out here looking for him.
Okay, this is a bunch. I can start my...
- ... process, I guess. - Thank you.
I'm on the case. Here is my card.
- It's a magic card, so.... - Wow, "the Amazing Harold. "
- Just say "abracadabra. " - What happened, somebody sue you?
It used to be "alakazam" when you cut me in half.
And, not to be picky, but it was "Harold the Great. "
No, I used to be great, now I'm amazing. Get with it.
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
PERRY: Hi, it's me. You hear anything?
No, there's nothing in the papers, so....
I'm busy working on Harmony's case.
Case, what case? Leave her alone.
News on Channel 5, just starting. Call me after.
- -a kidnapping gone wrong. It is unclear why his daughter...
... was subsequently murdered or where...
... for she was almost certainly killed and then moved, police sources say.
Veronica Dexter was reported missing yesterday afternoon...
... when she failed to greet her boyfriend at the airport.
Miss Dexter recently made headlines when she returned from Paris...
...and withdrew her multimillion- dollar lawsuit against her father...
...actor-turned-entrepreneur Harlan Dexter.
Mr. Dexter owns the prestigious Dexter Clinic.
His wife died last spring, prompting Veronica 's return to the U. S...
... and a father-daughter reconciliation following years of estrangement.
Veronica Dexter, 25 years old yesterday. Paul.
HARRY: We were just at that party. Are you telling me...
...that the girl in the lake, that was Veronica Dexter?
PERRY: Positive ID, scars, dental records.
HARRY: You talked to your police guy? - Yeah, not much there.
The lab report came back, no sign of rape.
Boils down to this:
Veronica Dexter, yesterday afternoon about 4:30, left her home.
Went off to the airport, pick up some dude, old boyfriend. Off she went.
- That was the last anybody saw of her? - With a symmetrical, ungooshed head.
Police ever find the car?
No, genius, that was us. Remember?
Oh, yeah, right.
- The killers were at the party, Harry. - They were?
- The killers were at Dexter's? - That's how they recognized you.
It's getting too scary. You gotta bail. Get a flight out, today.
I got my screen test Tuesday. I'll go Wednesday.
That doesn't matter. You're not getting the part.
Fuck off. Don't be a schmuck.
- I know it's a long shot. - You're not gonna get the part.
You're not listening to me. You won't get the-- Harry. Harry!
You're not gonna get the part, okay? Colin Farrell wants too much money.
Do you get me now?
Dabney, he unearths a discovery. New kid, works for cheap.
Flies him out here, high profile, parties...
...screen tests, detective lessons, all of it.
You were just being used.
Shave a couple million off of Colin Farrell's price tag.
Sorry, chief. There it is.
I'm not gonna lie to you anymore.
I understand if you wanna take a swing at me. You fuck!
You sissy bitch!
Stop.
Don't bother asking Harmony out on your date.
She wasn't very happy to find out that you're not a detective, that you lied.
- You told her? - Pick those up.
Pick them up.
Why did you tell her? You didn't have to tell her.
- I am an idiot. I thought we were friends. - We're not friends.
- I was in trouble, you were there for me. - No, I was-- Stop speaking.
I was there protecting my employer, Dabney. Hello.
He pays me to insulate him from corpses.
I'm not a nice man, Harry.
Go home before something bad happens to you.
- What, are you threatening me? - No, moron.
Go home before the bad guys do something bad to you.
The bad guys. Right, I get it. Fine.
Merry Christmas. Sorry I fucked you over.
No problem. Don't quit your gay job.
ANNOUNCER: Arriving passengers from flight number 758 from Denver...
...may retrieve their baggage at carousel two.