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Dear Lord, we pray that we may win this game today.
We ask that you give us the strength and the courage
to win our second straight, state championship
We ask, Lord, that nobody on our side is seriously injured.
We know in our hearts, Lord, that we are the best team
We ask that you allow us to win this game.
The Lord wants you to put your foot on their balls and believe in it,
because that's what wins football games.
Not Jumping off sides like a bunch of wimps and faggots.
All right, lift your heads, boys. Prayers are over.
I talked to God. I'm through talking to God.
Now I'm talking to you.
You're gonna be out there in front of your families, student body.
Every girl you ever had a hard-on for is gonna be out there today,
but you will not be going to no sock hop tonight, boys,
you will not get no honey on your stinger tonight,
if you go out there and bust your ass.
'Cause this is it. This is the big one.
I want you to taste it I want you to smell it, son.
There's winners and there's nothing else.
I don't give a shit what those pinkos over in Russia say.
You want to be a loser, you go live in Russia.
I'm not a loser, I'm a winner.
I'm an American.
Who wants to be John Wayne? Who wants to go out there and grab a root and hang on?
Who wants to get a mean-on? Get a mean-on, son.
Let me see you get a mean-on, son.
Now who wants it? I want to know.
Yeah! Who wants this.
Who wants to get a mean-on right now? I!
Who wants this?
I want it! I want it! I want it! I want it! Good job, man.
The pride of Ashcroft High, Johnny Walker.
My God, we're playing football now. Yes, sir.
Coach, since it's the last game of the season,
maybe I could get in for a couple of minutes?
You want to play? Yes, please.
No, you don't.
Hut! Hut!
That's the completion of Walker's 40th TD pass this season! A new state record.
Wide! Wide set!
Gash, give them the punt sign, will you.
Walker! Kick the ball! Kick it!
Another record for Walker. You see that?
Five second hang time?
And with that completed pass, Walker has set another National record.
Record for the most amount of yardage in a year.
1:35, Gibson's out of his car and into the stadium.
Excuse me. Shove over, will you? Coach.
That offer still stands.
My answer's still no.
You wait for us for the signals. We're calling the plays here, Walker.
If the score's 52-0.
What can we to get Gash in the game? I got it. Let's lose five.
Hike!
Push it in, I want another score! Let's go! Let's go!
He's going down! Oh, it's the leg! He's down!
What's he doing? What's Walker doing?
Uh-oh, I think I broke my dick.
Oh, no, not his George.
Walker's down. Walker's down. Gash! Gash? Get me Gash! Where's Gash?
What's up? Get in the game, Gash. Put it in the endzone.
What's the matter, son? I broken my dick, coach.
All right, rub some dirt on it and get back in there.
I broke it, I'm telling you.
You go left. You go right. I'll run.
Oh, Gash! Gash! Throw your naval on the ground, will you?
Hey, Juicy. Hi, Johnny.
Would you mind taking off your underpants real quick and standing over there?
Sure. Anything for you. Thank you.
2:35. Cheerleader taking her yellow panties off. Thank you. Over and out.
Hey, guys, Juicy Dorfman isn't wearing any underpants.
So...
Left 46 on the first sound. Ready?
Break! Break!
Oh, I see. That girl's not wearing any underwear.
What? Which one? Hey, check it out.
Oh, wrong.
I see the hole! I see the hole! I see...
Ashcroft High has just won their second consecutive state football championship.
Congratulations to coach Wayne HISLER.
And especially to everyone's High School All American, Johnny Walker.
Hello? Hey, Johnny.
Glad I could get to you, This is Howard Cosell.
You were just tremendous out there today.
I've never seen a better performance at the High School level.
You should go to the best Ivy League school
by the name of Yale University in my opinion young man.
Have you thought about such a thing?
Is this really you, Howard? Howard?
Who is this. Yeah? This is Howard Cosell.
Does anybody in America like you? Huh?
Sorry...
My boys, my boys. All right. It was worth the victory, huh? Its worth the victory.
Johnny, Johnny, listen to me, man. Sign with me, I will make you a star.
Now, ignore all these other guys, man, they're a bunch of athletic pimps.
Trust me, athletic pimps. Look at the way they're dressed, man.
Write your own ticket, I'll give you anything you want.
Spring Break, huh, in Puerto Rico?
Johnny, just tell me what you want and I'll get it. What'd you like?
Do you like girls? I like your head.
You got it. You got it. What else? Ice cream? Cultural pursuits?
I can offer you a TV every single Saturday TV. TV.
I got what you want, I got what you need.
You keep running our style of offense, boy, you can start right away. Right away.
You can go to U and play football, right boy?
Hold on. Smurf. Smurf. Smurf patrol.
Thank you. Watch my feet, watch the toes. Okay. Don't I know your mom?
What's it like binking with 12 year olds?
Georgia... What? Say that again?
What's it like binking with 12 year olds?
Let me tell you something. These girls are going to be beautiful,
grown women in about two minutes. You shouldn't let me stay that long.
Freeze! Move away from daughter, Walke.
Don't tell me he's still pissed off Because I brought you home a day late.
Don't tell me that. Is that what happened?
No. Huh?
Johnny. What? What was it?
It was the hickey.
You can't really cover those up at all.
What? Let's give him one.
Get your mouth off her, Walker. Let's go, Georgia. Now!
I'll see you later.
Very good.
Thank you. I can't say anything but thank you.
I'm sorry, I can't talk now. I've to go. Watch the jacket. We'll talk later, okay?
Do you think these recruiters would you this much if...
they knew you were afraid of the dark?
What? I'm not afraid of the dark.
Come on, it's okay.
I'm not going to spill the beans that you sleep with a nightlight.
I don't need a nightlight.
Come on. Yes you do. It's okay. You're a punk. Accept it.
All right. I accept it. So what?
Hit me again. Right here.
I feel good now.
Leo, it's time you and me moved up to the big time, pal.
The big time scholarships. UCC.
The big time contacts. Big deal. So you cheat.
Did I tell you about Coach Hisler's wife? She has a set of Chihuahua's...
♪...And someone sneaking around the corner
♪ Could that someone be Mack the Knife?
♪ There's a tug boat down by the river, don't you know,
♪ Where a cement bag's just drooping on down ♪
You're getting really good, Wayne, I Just love your singing.
Thank you, baby.
You know, I was reading at the market today
that we all come from another world.
And we choose in that world who we want to be in this world.
And we're all connected by a common, cosmic thread.
That's right, hon. That's true. What time you going to work?
After I make dinner for you and clean up.
Do you realize that we're living nine lives simultaneously?
Of course.
Listen, sweet cake. Yes?
On your way back from work, would you, pick up a yellow suit from the cleaners?
Okay. No problem.
It's near that bakery that makes that black monde bread that you love so much.
Hello. Coach Hisler's house? Is he in?
I think so. May I?
Oh, sure. Just follow the sound of the music.
Thank you.
♪ Look out to Miss Lotte Lenya
♪ And old Lucy Brown...
Chancellor, how are you? Good to see you again, sir.
How about that game, huh?
Nice. Walker was everything you said he was.
What do I do to get him to Piermont?
I just want you to sit down and relax enjoy my home.
You're going to have dinner with us, aren't you?
I don't think we have enough salmon patties, Wayne.
What the hey. Breakout the fish sticks, honey.
Oh, okay.
Darling?
Some of that sparkling fruit wine.
Have a seat, please, Chancellor.
Look, Coach, I didn't get to become President of Piermont University by mincing words.
My backers are getting impatient. The want success this year. They want to win.
I want Walker.
I'm the key to Walker, obviously
Obviously you are. What is it you want? Name your price.
I want to be the new head coach at Piermont University.
Is that all? No, I want a five year no cut contract.
Weekly television show, membership in the country club, et cetera.
All the usual perks.
The main thing is that Walker is going to go where I tell him to go.
Or he's not going anywhere. That's a fact.
You can guarantee that?
The kid loves me.
You know it's... I'm like a father to him, really.
Hisler's such an asshole.
Johnny, I've been having all these twisted visions lately.
So lay one on me. Well...
I was thinking about developing, like,
a deep personal relationship with a psychiatrist. You know, a very tight...
Then one day when he is complimenting me on all the headway progress I am making
in the area of my obsessive fear of torque wrenches,
just cut him of in the middle of his sentence and say,
"Why am I angry at you today?"
He gets all traumatic on me. He goes,
"I think that it stands, well, it stands for nothing, that, it's a trick question."
I take his PhD off the wall
and beat him about the head and shoulders with it for about an hour
and then I whisper softly in his ear,
"I'd like to pay for my next twenty visits in advance."
Johnny, be all that you can be.
For $81.50 a month after taxes?
Exactly.
No, I don't think so. Thank you though.
Notre Dame, my son. Father, how you doing?
Father, aren't you going to be late for mass or something?
Oh, you're right. I'm sorry.
Alabama is the one. Alabama's where you should be.
Penn State is always in the top ten. We kicked Alabama's butt last year.
That was one game. It's breezy at Penn State.
I think it's a normal climate. Normal! Normal if you're a seal or an Eskimo.
It's good to see the seasons change.
Leo, my school has a buddy system.
Johnny goes there, all his buddies get to go there too. First class.
Boy buddies, girl buddies, everybody.
I'm ready for college and corruption.
My school doesn't do that Leo. Just exists in your imagination.
Well, I have a grand imagination.
How about ten grand?
Leo, more chicken? I'll just get the rest to go.
Right.
Anything, Johnny. Anything. I love you. Let's set a time.
I'm free tonight.
I can't believe the bald guy is still here. Uh-huh.
It's crazy out there.
Well, it's crazy in here too. There you go.
But I like it, though. My lures are selling like hot cakes.
Especially like my wall-eyed gibbler.
God, it's original, huh?
Oh, honey, I'm proud of you. I really am. You've worked hard for this for a long time.
Thank you, Mom. You know I couldn't have done it without you.
Yeah. I'm glad you know it's true.
That's why one day very soon I'm gonna work hard enough,
you're not gonna have to work again.
I don't mind working, Johnny. It's a decent way to make a living.
Well, I know you don't mind. That's why I do.
Where's Georgia today?
Yeah, where is she?
She's grounded. Why?
For knowing me.
Yes, I can understand that.
You're really popping off, Ma, huh, you ready for a pea in the head, Mom?
Will you stop? No, wait now, don't you... You want another one?
Here it is. Oh, he's eating it live.
All right. That's it, that's it. No dessert. So what can I do?
So, Ray, what did you think of the game?
You looked goofy.
Looked what? Goofy.
You didn't look in the mirror today. You know why?
You don't have any teeth. So when you get some front teeth,
then you can tell me how goofy I look.
Until that moment comes along,
you can't say anything. Okay? Okay? Can you hear me?
Say, I hear you, Johnny. I hear you, Johnnie.
Say, I hear you, big brother. I hear you big brother.
Say you are my man. You are my man.
No. She just ate now...
But much more importantly, what about Leo's first touchdown ever?
You looked good today.
Thank you, once I got the right direction going, right?
Why don't you ever eat at your house, Leo?
Why? Well I think it's basically because my parents hate me.
And they've accused me of carrying an ammonia filled tentacle around with me.
Which of course I do not!
What is this, the funny farm?
I can understand why they hate.
Johnny, my boy, you know, listen. You've got to get organized, you know.
Now you've had calls from Michigan, UCC, Piermont and Ol' Tex,
LSU and Kansas and Cornell.
What do you think, Mom? Do I call these people back?
Well, superstar. You can start by clearing the table and helping me with the dishes.
That's a little reality break from mom there, huh? Isn't that nice.
Well, you're home now, son.
Thank you, Gramp.
This will catch every single monk fish, if you had to.
Your family is really nice. Your mom's a terrible cook.
Thank you. Where we going now?
Georgia's.
Really? I thought she was grounded.
I'm un-grounding her.
Freeze, boy!
See, it's got to be a Rottweiler.
No mistaking this. That's no Chihuahua.
I thought a person paid to you. This could be embarrassing.
Yeah, well, she digs me.
Her father's the one who I have problems with. Well, she'll come around.
Mrs. Elkans. Good evening. Um, is Georgia home?
Yes. And that is where she's going to stay.
Hmm.
I just felt the love beam. She loves me.
Freeze, dirtbags.
I don't want you sniffing around my daughter, Walker.
What's shaking, Chief? Chief, how the hell's patrol?
You're in big trouble, Walker.
Chief, you can't keep me away from your daughter.
I'm gonna keep you away from her forever.
How you going to do that, Chief?
We're going to settle this thing once and for all.
I can't just beat the shit out of you.
So we're going to have us a little game of football. And I'm going to hurt you.
I'm going to play with these two men right here.
These men right here?
Okay, hold on. Let me get a head count for a second.
You got one, two, three, four. Oh, that's a little unfair, isn't it, Chief?
Well, then, you can play with the big cheese.
Oh, no, I like it.
Chief, one last thing. Once we kick your butt, Georgia's mine.
Well, then, just to make it fair,
you're have to play with one hand behind your back.
Isn't that cute?
Chief, you don't play with one hand, do you?
Let's bless the ball. A little pooper for the troopers.
Rotten little pissants!
Go! Go, John!
Go, Johnny, go!
Cheerleaders? Cheerleaders?
I got it! I got it. Oh, no!
Nice catch, trooper.
Get them out of here. Oh, my God!
Hey, fat man. Get out of here.
I'm out of here.
I'm out of here. I'm out of here. I'm out of here.
Hey, look at him go. Look at the Chief... Uh, wait a second.
That's a $20 a game ball. Let's get him.
♪ It started last weekend
10:38. This movie is shit.
♪ Girl, I saw your beaver flash
♪ I'll never be the same
♪ You gave me a soul kiss
♪ Oh, it sure was grand
Johnny, now that I'm homeless, what do you plan to do with me?
I'm going to love you. And I'm going to marry you.
That should take care of about 60 years.
Is that a threat or a promise?
That's a threat.
I'm getting old though.
Yeah, real old. I'm serious.
Next thing you know I'll be on the beach
with a big belly, sporting bikini underwear, just walking.
Then comes the gray hair.
Then comes the ear hair coming out of my ears.
Then come white hair. Then comes no hair. Then comes no teeth.
Then boom, you are 70-years-old or 80.
Nature.
I'll be there.
You kids having a good time?
Hi, John, Johnny Ball Game. All right. Now I don't mean to interrupt you,
I just want you to know, Johnny,
there's a lot of phony hype with all these schools.
Now I know you better than you know yourself. And right now,
the best situation for you is Piermont.
Oh, yeah, coach? Really.
Can I tell them you'll come down for a visit this weekend?
Coach?
Coach, you'd be my horse, if you never even ran a race. Okay? I'll be there.
Johnny Ball Game.
I'll have them send you a plane ticket.
You know I've always been fond of you, kid.
Thank you, coach I'm, I'm fond of... your Pacer.
Thank you. I'm most fond of that.
Hey! Yellow.
You can have one of these someday.
Don't tease me, Coach.
That's the last damn school I'd ever visit in my life.
Johnny, why are you visiting all these schools?
I thought we planned to go to state. To be together.
I can't just ignore the opportunity to go see schools, to see the country.
You wouldn't want that. Uh-huh.
Come here. You get that look on your face. Let me get a kiss, please.
Like, get a Georgia fish kiss.
Come get it.
Come get it? I will.
This is the way to travel, ain't it, soldier? Well, you see the country,
first class bucket seats. The price is right, too, huh?
What are you? A private?
Hey, I'm trying to eat. Do you mind? Hey...
This is a family bus. Hey, slim!
Hey, I am trying to eat. Hey, slim.
Hey, knock it off, will ya?
I wonder if that's the Ol' Tex plane.
Have you seen a lot of commercial airlines that look like a horny toad?
No.
Get off that. No, please.
Hi. How you all doing?
How you doing? Good to see you.
My name is Tex Wade. I'm gonna be your host for the weekend.
I'm gonna make sure you get everything you want from your visit to Ol' Tex.
Well, thank you, Tex. You got a lot of style, Tex.
How about a little something to blur your vision, Johnny?
No thanks, Tex.
Well, then, hop in. Okay.
Bye, Georgia. Johnny, be good.
Come on in, Tex.
Georgia, can you see his boots?
See you, Georgia.
Just get in, Tex.
Where is that punk? Excuse me?
I'm not talking to you, lady.
What a jerk.
Guess his time's more valuable than mine.
Probably stroking his muskrat somewhere.
Sit down, Coach. Oh, thank you.
You're late. Where's the kid?
Ah! They sprung a math test on him.
Can you believe that? No, he'll be flying down a little later.
Actually, I should give him a call.
Use the phone back there, please.
You should have seen the airport. What a mad house.
Beautiful office, Chancellor.
Not too shabby.
John, how are you? What's the matter?
Well, that's terrible. Listen...
Don't worry about a thing. We'll just reschedule the meeting. Okay?
I know, I know you want to come here with me.
It's all right. You haven't hurt your chances.
Now, look. As soon as I get off the airplane, I'm coming right over to see you.
I love you too, son. Bye-bye.
He's a great kid.
I want you to feel right at home, like family.
Like this was your very own ranch.
Look, this comes straight from the heart, John.
Everybody here loves you. See these long stemmed American beauties here?
They're all for you. They're yours.
The grass is yours. This whole shindig is yours.
Them trees are yours, hell, the lake is yours.
Is this part of the campus, Tex?
You could call it part of the campus, Johnny.
Hell, you come to Ol' Tex and you can call it anything you want.
Oh, I love Ol' Tex.
Margarita, Mr. Wade? Don't mind if I do, darlin'.
Here you go. Haven't had one of these.
Shit, everyone drinks margaritas at Ol' Tex.
Feisty little filly, ain't she?
My wife says they're medicinal.
He's out of the shoot. He's...
What's shaking? Come on, break yourself loose here. Say hi to Johnny Walker.
Johnny, Captain of the team, Bad Breath Bannister. Good to meet you.
Tough guy, BB.
That boy's breath would gag a maggot.
I know it would. You got to be...
Ladies and gents, can I have your attention for one minute?
I want to introduce to you five of the most sought after football players
in the entire country.
Boys! Come on down. Step up here.
We want you! We want you! And you're gonna' get them.
This here Cliff Reber, Pete Andropolous,
Benny Figg.
And that hunk of Mexican-Samoan flesh, Jose Popupu.
And last but not least, Johnny Rocket Walker.
We want you! We want you! We want you!
♪ Hail on to Ol' Tex
♪ Let the spirit lead
♪ Hail on to Ol' Tex
♪ On to victory
♪ Our minds and hearts are with you
♪ Hail on to Ol' Tex
♪ All the livelong day
Ol' Tex is great.
Yeah, but Ol' Tex can't come close to the money Piermont is offering.
I don't want any of that junk bond bullshit.
I'm splitting.
Where you going? I'm going to get some Chinese.
Hey, ain't you full yet, brother? I'm not talking about food.
I told Tex I'd only come to visit if he got me two Chinese girls.
Yo, Cliff! This is Poon Tang and Fu Yang.
We're gonna show you a real good time.
How you doing, Carmen? I'm glad to see you. Fine, thank you.
Ralph, what's up with you? How you doing?
How you doing, man?
Oh, pretty good. Things looking up?
The stock market's down. Stocks are down, huh?
How's your wife, man? Oh, fair.
I need a partner.
Still picking pockets? Yeah.
I'm here to tell you that it is my responsibility
to welcome you to the fold of Ol' Tex.
Sort of like a queen bee with a hive.
I never miss, got me a player in every class.
In order to prepare you for tonight's experience,
we need to do a little hard heart exercise. Now I'm going to send you some energy.
Do you feel it? Do you feel it?
I feel it. I feel it.
Do you feel the heat? I feel heat.
Okay. Okay, I felt it too.
Okay, now, how'd you like to go visit our campus?
Where the hell is that campus, by the way?
I'm glad you asked because I'm going to take you there right now.
Well, let us grab our drinks, and, uh, vamoose.
Ooh, numero uno. I'm going to show you,
the Dutchboy, why they call us the horny toads.
Why darlin', this is far more than football.
Look, an armadillo!
I mean, we have a very fine medical program and wish many
operators come out successful.
Oh, is that right?
Well, you understand the word operator.
Not at all.
Was that your hand? That was yours.
Oh, well, that was my hand, darling I thought it was a pillow.
I can see that was a mistake. It was.
And, uh, and as you can see, we have a very fine library.
Yes, I see.
We'll see the library now. Excuse me.
Listen, if you're not interested in her,
I may know someone a little more your speed.
Hey!
Darling, I thought this would be a more intimate place to dine.
A little more spacious.
I can't believe the size of this place.
It's huge. They'll be shouting, "Go, Johnny, go!"
In the fall, eighty thousand people will be cheering you on, darlin'.
Johnny Walker!
And I can guarantee you something, sweetheart,
It will be nothing like the performance I am about to give.
No, yes, no. Oh, no. Yes. Oh, ouch.
Oh, boy. Thank you so much.
As a matter of fact, I should start abusing that term "Thank you."
It seems to get me in and out of more situations with smooth sincerity.
Absolutely the best thing I could say is, thank you, right now.
Thank you and, well, thank you, thank you.
Darlin', you talk too much.
Wait a minute. No thank you.
See, I'm not the type of guy who thinks with...
Joe Bob! Yo!
Tell them about the Ol' Tex baby dolls
and how they like to sneak in the locker room at halftime.
Lord have mercy, boys.
We spend $20,000 a month on these pretty little fillies,
just for the football program alone.
Hey, you gonna like it here.
Please, stop.
Stop. Thank you very much.
Look, thank you. No.
You're making it hard enough. Please, stop.
Ooh!
Jose, come on down here, boy.
I want to show you your future.
Speaking of luxuries, if my eyes don't deceive me, that's a boy getting his
knot polished right there on the 50 yard line.
Say what?
I gotta go, understand?
I have no business and this is no pleasure.
Don't leave, Johnny. I can do better.
Let me go.
Oh, I got to put this up on the score board. See it a little clearer.
My God. I'll be dipped in dog shit. That's Johnny Walker.
What the... Shit.
That's my wife. That's your wife?
Who said that? Wait a minute. Please, you have a husband.
I'm getting out of here now. This is it. And I'm out.
And put those tits away. This was no med school.
This was not a library. I won't let go.
I have to go. Good bye. Go.
Get back here.
Bye, I'm leaving. Come back here, you little boy.
I've got to go. No. No. No.
Come back here. I can make you feel good.
Get your butt in this car, boy. Let's go.
Come on, let's go.
Ah, so this is the medical school.
Hey, boys! Come on down here. I got the entire front row for ya'll.
Oh, my God.
Sure was nice of Ol' Tex to let us use his car.
Goddamn, it was nice of him to give him his wife.
How ya' doin'?
Pretty good. How you doing. Good. Good.
Uh, you, uh, going to play football at Ol' Tex?
Oh, I don't know yet.
You know, I used to be a football player.
They said I would have been an All American if I hadn't hurt my leg.
Wh...What happened?
Did you go to Ol' Tex?
I was going to, but I never got the chance.
After they took my scholarship away, I had to quit school.
But, Ol' Tex took care of me. Got me this job.
I ain't complaining.
Yeah!
What's this stuff, man?
What is it?
That's Texas sushi, boy.
Forget you, man.
Get out of get here.
Silence. I need silence.
Take me up on that offer, Johnny.
Johnny, come on, you're smarter than that.
I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.
Nothing else means squat.
Hey.
Hi, honey. How was the campus?
The campus?
Hi. Uh, it was nice, Mom. Yeah, it was nice. It really was a nice campus.
Well, you think of Ol' Tex as just a football school, right?
And in actuality they have the finest premed school in the country.
Really, just a fierce... It was a beautiful set up.
Yeah, it was nice. It really was.
Listen, something wonderful happened while you were away.
This fellow calls up on the telephone,
you see, and he orders 10,000 wall-eyed gibblers.
Apparently he gives them away on his late night television show.
Like those spiffy little fishing rods
that turn into can openers or something.
We could make a fortune on this deal, you know?
That's excellent, Gramp. Yeah.
So he called, huh?
The fellow says, so long as they sell,
the orders will jut keep coming in.
You know, we could, we could may be buy a larger house then.
That would really get...
Hi, Johnny. Hey, Monica.
Don't bruise those tomatoes now.
You folks tried those biscuits? They're delicious.
What did he say? Pick your school yet, Johnny?
Baby love.
Hey. How was it?
It was cool. It was good.
I had a good time.
Yeah. So how were the girls?
Hmm?
The girls. How were the girls?
Well, they were, um, very short.
Very fat and, uh, weird looking.
What was her name? What was her name? Huh?
The woman I had dinner with was Lawanda. Yeah. That was Tex's wife.
Lawanda? Very old chick.
Very fat woman and very funny looking.
She took me to dinner and, you know...
"What do you think of Texas?" "I love it." A lot of small talk, and, um...
I didn't do anything with her, you know, I never touched her.
What are you... what are you thinking about?
I think you're an asshole!
This boy-girl shit hurts, man.
Oh, no. None of that.
It's a bogus product. It's a pay off.
No self respecting fish would go near a wall-eyed gibbler.
Hey, Leo. Read my lips.
Joe Bob promised my grandfather he'd buy 10,000 of things, okay?
You're confused. You're repeating yourself.
Maybe you're wrong.
I couldn't break his heart like that. Don't you understand?
Well, you can't commit to Ol' Tex.
I'll tell you something, Leo, I had such a groove in Texas.
I vomited margaritas the whole way home.
It was beautiful, I'm telling you.
Well, perhaps you'll just, uh, support the drink of every school you visit.
I like that. I'll keep it in mind. Give me a hand.
Hey. Howdy, Chief!
Dirtbags!
♪ UCC, UCC, UCC...
What's shaking, Coach? I didn't know you'd show.
Coach, how do you feel?
Johnny, you promised me you were going to visit Piermont.
He's not going to Piermont.
You get it? Got it? You can goose yourself.
If I want any shit out of you, Leo, I'll squeeze your head.
You better listen to me, son.
You're on the verge of destroying your entire career.
I'm not going to let it happen.
I'm going to do whatever it takes to make sure you do the right thing.
You keep playing games with me
and you're going to end up waiting on tables with this guy.
That was cold blooded, Coach.
Coach, where's your shoes. Forgot those shoes, Coach.
Look, are you sure Tom won't want to order more of my lures?
We haven't sold one in three years.
Well, Harvey, you tell him that a big shot down in Texas
just ordered 10,000 of them.
Ha! Reckon the fish in that state
are going to be safe for awhile.
Grandpa Walker? Can I have a word with you?
Sure, Coach, sit down.
I have some bad news. You know Tom Norman?
He owns this shop. My fishing buddy. What happened?
Apparently he is connected to some of the alumni from Piermont.
Tom tells me if Johnny doesn't go to Piermont
he's going to have to cut off your credit here.
Hey, I hear you're flunking English. Ouch!
John, you need that English, son.
You did your paper on the American hardware store? Huh?
Maybe you deserved that "F."
I don't want to hear anything about it. It's a legitimate topic.
I guess it is, and I must read it. I'm sure you wanted to.
You know why we're here today.
I think you do. Hisler's been messing with my grandfather,
Messing with my little brother, my little sister.
He's been messing with my mom, Leo.
He's been talking to her, messing with her.
Now, we're going to mess with him, Leo. Are you with me?
I came here to do business with you today.
I just got back from Ol' Tex. They'll make me a great deal.
Except I want to play here. I want to come to State.
Johnny, we don't give deals here.
What?
We give the usual scholarship.
Room and board. A good education.
Everyone has to go to class here.
We offer a good background in football.
Our players have become professionals.
That's nice, Coach.
But you're losing the top athletes each year for a reason.
What's that?
You're not giving them anything. Show them something.
That they'll get something.
Cash, cars, apartments, money.
You know what I mean? We're looking for benefits these days, Coach.
Look, Johnny. I like you.
So I'll give you some advice.
You're a good athlete. You have talent and energy.
I'm warning you.
You're getting into something you don't understand.
When a kid like you goes out looking for a deal,
the deal always turns out stronger than the kid ever asked for.
Be careful. You're playing with fire.
Are you crazy? My father sleeps with his gun.
I heard you visited State.
Does this mean your lobotomy's worn off?
Since you're not going to speak,
you will rub my feet.
I mean, far be it for me to ask you to apologize
when you have behaved like a complete son-of-a-bitch.
Flowers that fester smell far worse than weeds.
That means, "you stink."
But it was sweet.
I guess I'm still sweet on you.
I'll go in 10 minutes.
You are beautiful.
UCC! Ow!
We're going to Ol' Tex. No we're not.
They'll give us everything we need.
We ain't going to Ol' Tex.
No real shots, please.
You wouldn't really use that.
Yes, I would.
Leo. What?
What do you really want out of life?
I want Johnny Walker to go to California.
All right. I'll go.
How you doing, Johnny? Lou Landers of ICA.
Welcome to California. You'll have a fine time here.
I'm here to meet the money man, Lou. Not for pleasure.
I am the money man, Johnny.
I'm going to take you to meet the best quarter back in the country.
He's a good friend of mine. Give me five, Johnny.
Never touch.
Jim McMahon wears Adidas.
Either I wear Adidas, or I wear nothing.
Almost nothing.
And cut! Great. Beautiful.
Wonderful, Jim.
I don't know how you do it, Jim. Every time.
Natural talent. Back to the golf course again.
Hey, Yeoman, thanks a lot, man.
You bet, boss. Thanks, Bob.
Jimmy. Hi, Jim.
I want you to meet Johnny Walker.
How are you, Jim? How are you, Johnny?
Glad you're coming to UCC.
I haven't really decided. But glad I could meet you.
I'm having a little party tonight for the kid.
Want to come?
I would, but I promised my wife I wouldn't show up at your place anymore.
Very funny.
You're great, Jim. Maybe next time, right?
Hey, Lou, did you notice how his hair was?
Just like mine. Like he planned it for me. Know what I mean?
John, let me tell you something serious.
You play your cards right, you could be the next Adidas man, someday.
But, Lou, he had his hair hooped up just like mine. So what?
1:45. Walker receives jacket from Landers, out.
I know I talk 90% of the time,
but I only take 10% of the money.
How you doing, Doctor? Oh, great, Lou.
Lou? Yeah.
My mothers medicine cabinet never looked like this.
Don't worry about it, Johnny.
You're not in Ashcroft anymore.
We only use the finest steroids available.
Oh.
We care about one thing at UCC, Johnny.
That we win. Isn't that right, boys?
I love these boys like my own.
I take better care of them than their mothers.
Isn't that right, boys?
We have the best training facilities in the country.
Our men are appreciated for the fine machinery that they are.
How you doing? Does he play here?
No. He pisses for the players so they pass the drug test.
Oh, designated pisser,huh?
Let's get you some new clothes for the party. Okay, Johnny?
Lou, how tall are you? 5' 8".
I'm Tex Wade. I'm looking for Johnny Walker.
He hasn't got back from UCC yet.
UCC? Isn't he committed to Ol' Tex?
As far as I know, he isn't committed anywhere.
I hate to be the one to inform you, Grandpa,
but you didn't get any orders for 10,000 gibblers because they catch fish.
What are you saying?
You figure it out, Grandpa.
It's good to be home. Thank you everybody. Thank you very much.
Johnny, Johnny Walker.
This is a nice ride. Where did you get it?
Present from my dad.
I thought your dad hated you.
He used to, but now we're very close.
We woke up one morning, had breakfast and now we're real close.
I look cleaner than the Board of Health, don't I?
You look like Liberace and Prince's mom combined.
But it's nice.
Bye, now.
What's happening, Chief?
Where did you finally decide to go to college, Clown school?
You know what you are, Chief? You're an officer of love. Not of law, of love you are.
Do you dig it?
It's a look.
♪ He's from a small town but had to get away
♪ He took the bus route all the way to South LA
♪ Lives on the ocean And drives a sports car
♪ He's got the girlfriend putting out the caviar ♪
Mom, Mom, Johnny's lost his mind.
What do you think?
Mom, this school is great.
UCC medical school is far superior to Ol' Tex.
I'm not considering Ol' Tex anymore.
I'm gonna get three times the lab time I had at Ol' Tex.
Johnny, what has happened to you?
I'm great. Don't I look great?
I feel great, Mom. Really.
What about UCC is a football factory.
Only half the players even graduate. What about your education?
Education? Please, forget it.
Please, step off with that, okay?
I'll tell you something. I have a much better deal at UCC.
They'll take care of everything.
The way Ol' Tex took care of me?
Come on, now. Everyone here looks so unhappy.
Let me explain. UCC has a better deal for me.
They're going to take care of us.
Mom, you'll have a bigger house.
I don't want a bigger house. Stop thinking about yourself.
Think about what's right and your family.
We are the people who love you.
Or maybe you've forgotten that.
Look at you. Purple and gold. You look ridiculous.
I don't know how this could have happened.
Maybe it was too important of a decision for you alone.
Mom, wait. Mom, can't we...
Grandpa. Isn't this what you wanted?
I wanted to sell my lures.
Not my grandson.
Gramp. Gramp.
What do you think, Randy?
I'm going to go do more homework and be realistic.
Johnny, I've had a vision.
You should forget about college football.
And do what?
Be a waiter. Develop a reputation as a bistro's most courteous.
One night when the manager's relatives come in,
you wine them and dine them.
You read them the specials. Take their orders.
Then you say, "Actually it's fish or nothing."
Of course, they run to the door.
You grab their ankles and tackle them.
You punch them and say, "What are you doing?"
"Trying to go without leaving a gratuity?"
♪ UCC is your only move
♪ UCC is your favorite school ♪
Excuse me.
We're new in town and we've never had sex before.
Would you like to help us?
Don't follow the girls.
Leo. Leo. Stop. Don't. I want to go home.
I started dating this girl, Nancy, because she was a virgin.
Milliseconds before initial penetration,
I just shot upright in bed. Like a reverse domino.
And I just said, "Hey, hey, hey. There'll be none of this.
"What kind of boy do you think I am?
I will hardly pop you without having met your father."
The things that make life worth
so much and so worth while are,
are the things that we have to look up at.
It's the clouds, the stars, children.
"By the way, where is the bathroom.
"I have to take an awful putrid piss."
He says, "Down the hall on the left."
That really made me mad.
I got up and said, "That won't do."
I run over to the family drapes
and write my name on them in urine.
Mom jumps out of her chair and starts slapping me over and over.
So, I retaliate with a series of
blows to the stomach, really mad,
which I use only in times when I actually do see red.
I'm a winner.
So all these important money men
are offering me this and this and this.
Because I came home wearing gold and heels, my mother sat me down
and she told me what she thought, you know.
And I have been acting crazy.
Are you still conscious?
She's talking.
Let her go! It's been an hour.
My arms seemed to be locked in here.
Love is a verb. And I wish that I would just use it a lot more.
Because I feel good, when I do.
Are we going to have sex or not?
Rape! Rape!
Good evening, assholes.
This is too good to be true.
For who?
You're going to jail forever.
What are you looking at, weirdo? Ouch!
We have to get out of here.
Hey, Lou Landers can get us out. Right?
But then you would have to go to UCC...
You know Lou Landers?
You think my dad bought that jeep?
It was Lou.
UCC bought it for me to get me to help them.
You set me up.
No, I didn't. I just pushed you in a direction.
Trying to do the right thing for you.
You didn't tell me.
If I told you, you would have said no.
I still wouldn't have set you up.
I just, you know, just made a mistake.
I just got selfish.
Me, too.
This is terrible. This is awful.
This is really awful. This is a serious mess.
Does "Bail us out" mean anything to you?
"Bail?" There's your bail.
That's your ticket out of here, right there.
All he has to do is sign with Piermont, you're on the street.
Otherwise, you boys will spend
20 years in here with all the butt pirates.
I hear they're waiting for you up here, Johnny, to give you a poke.
Coach, I know I'm a man. Okay?
My asshole is for exit only.
And we did nothing wrong.
Look for sympathy between shit and syphilis in the dictionary, Leo.
You're going to love it working on the road gang.
Out there with the cons cutting that grass.
All the pretty girls will drive by
in convertibles on Spring break.
They'll drink beer and wave as they go by. "Hi, Johnny. Hi."
It's up to you, John.
You can work on the road gang or you can work with the cash gang.
You let me know.
Don't drop the soap, boys.
Hello, everyone. I'm Gary DeLaune.
Today hundreds of boys will sign their letters of intent.
These letters are commitments by
these boys to play for a college.
No place has more media coverage right here at Ashcroft High School.
Today then, we're here at Ashcroft High School.
It's signing day.
Johnny Walker has just arrived to sign his letter of intent.
In a few moments the entire country
will know where he's decided to play his college football.
Glad to see you boys could be here for the announcement.
I hope none of us are disappointed.
Something doesn't seem right in here.
Thank you very much. I'm very happy to have been asked,
ladies and gentlemen, to introduce Johnny Walker here today.
And I am also happy to announce
that John and I are going to be together another four years.
I'm the new head coach at Piermont University.
It makes me proud that John could have gone anywhere,
but he chose to be with me.
We've also gotten four other top prospects from around the country.
And they're here today. Come on up, boys.
This is not about me.
I'm only as good as my players, believe me.
Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce Johnny Walker.
Throughout this recruitment,
I've acted like an idiot.
I've completely embarrassed my mother
family, girlfriend and friends.
Mostly I've embarrassed myself.
Because I always thought I had something and I lost it.
If this is what it means to play college football,
then I don't want to play at all.
Just because I know how to throw a football,
doesn't mean I should forget my life.
Or anyone else's.
So I am not going to sign any letters to any schools.
Now, that's reality.
You're going to Piermont. I'm not.
If he doesn't go, I don't go. I'm with him.
We'll work this out.
Piermont will honor all it's commitments. I promise you.
Slight misunderstanding, ladies and gentlemen.
Bear with us.
Who are you?
My name is Floyd Gondole. I'm the NCAA recruitment investigator.
I have followed the recruitment of
Johnny Walker since the first day.
I am now calling for a complete investigation of
UCC, Ol' Tex and specifically Piermon.
We didn't do anything wrong. Why? Why?
You call framing a kid for rape not wrong?
Oh. What are you talking about? You framed a kid for rape?
You're both history. Of course not.
You're both finished. Oh, this is ridiculous.
Congratulations, John. I'm proud of you.
Ladies and gentlemen...
Hey, hey, Johnny, I'm proud of ya.
You did good, kid.
So, uh, what you gonna do now, huh?
Penn State, Johnny!
No way. Alabama! Remember the weather.
Nobody makes a fool out of me. Understand?
Nobody has to, Lou. Is that right?
You're in big trouble now, Lou.
You just made a big mistake.
I'm not a fighter. I'm a lover.
Thank you, my friend.
Good work.
Let's get out of here.
Get back here, Walker!
Get down, Grandpa.
Never did like him.
Coach?
I want an education.
I saw the news conference last night, Johnny.
Yeah? Mmm-hmm.
What did you think?
You showed the type of character that we like in our students.
Does this mean you want me to come play football here?
I sure do.
♪ His mother told him someday you will be a man
♪ And you will be the leader of a big old band
♪ Many people coming from miles around
♪ To hear you play your music when the sun go down
♪ Maybe someday your name will be in lights, saying
♪ Johnny B. Goode tonight
♪ Go go Go Johnny go
♪ Go
♪ Johnny B. Goode
The Johnny Walker recruitment scandal widened today
with the announcement that UCC and Ol' Tex
have each been placed on year probation.
Well, Joe Bob, thank God basketball season is right around the corner.
Yeah, amen to that, Tex.
You know, football ain't been good to us this year, at all.
In a still further development,
Lou Landers has been barred from
participating in the UCC football program for life.
You got one F? We'll take care of it for you.
Slow down, I just wanna talk to you. Lou Landers gave me that jeep.
♪ Go sit beneath the tree by the railroad track
♪ Old engineer sitting in the shade
This is a pack of lies. A pack of lies.
Get the hell away from me.
♪ Go Johnny go
♪ Go go
♪ Go Johnny go
♪ Johnny B. Goode
♪ Go Johnny
♪ His mother told him some day you will be a man
♪ And you will be the leader of a big old band
♪ Many people coming from miles around
♪ To hear you play your music till the sun goes down
♪ Maybe someday your name will be in lights, saying
♪ Johnny B. Goode tonight
♪ Go Johnny go
♪ Go go
♪ Go Johnny go
♪ Go go
♪ Go Johnny go
♪ Go go
♪ Go Johnny go
♪ Johnny B. Goode