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[whirring]
[Christmas music playing]
[music playing only]
[rock and roll playing]
It smells wonderful, yeah? Right?
Hey, Michelangelo, we got deliveries.
Hey, cuz.
Hey, hey.
Some chooch is having
a little Christmas party over at the bar,
a bunch of capicola, salami, and cheese and shit.
Free drafts. You wanna come?
I can't. I gotta work.
-We're real busy at the store, you know?
-Just get your brother to cover for you.
Okay, I tell you what. You see him, you let me know.
-All right. I'll see you. -All right. I'll see you.
Oh, hey, I'm taking Sarah to the Melody tonight.
-You wanna come with us? -Isn't it a date?
Well, when it gets to the part of the date
that only requires two,
I'm gonna cut you loose. Come on.
But, for real, you should come with us.
I mean, this is a situation you have to take advantage of.
-What situation? -Do you know those chicks
that, uh, went away to college, the ones we never get to see?
Well, they're gonna be coming out tonight.
and they're gonna be horny for the holidays.
You really put a lot of thought into this.
Yes, I did put a lot of thought into this.
Only, I realized it too late,
made plans with Sarah before I did all the math.
I know. Anyway, tonight, that thing is a lock.
That old Christmas magic, huh?
I'm telling you, man. You laugh, but first she jingles the bells.
Then it's away to the manger,
and then it's joy to the world, baby.
Like a Bing Crosby Christmas special.
Bing Crosby's ass.
This is the Angelo Christmas show,
featuring special guest star Mr. Boner.
I'll pick you up around 9:00?
Yeah, it sounds great and all, Angelo,
but, uh, no, I don't think so.
What do you mean, "No, I don't--"
-Come on! Let's go! -I got in.
Art school.
This is fantastic. To celebrate. Come on!
There's nothing to celebrate, 'cause, uh...
it's not happening.
It's expensive as hell. I-- I don't see a point.
Well, I got an idea. Why don't we go out tonight
and just drown your sorrows with some alcohol?
Huh?
All right.
-I'll see you at 9:00.
-All right, I'll see you at 9:00.
-Hey, you know what else is 9:00?
-What?
-Mr. Boner. -I'm gonna change my mind.
-All right, I'll see you. -All right, I'll see you.
Hey, Tony!
-What are you doing? -I'm working.
-I gotta get back to the store. -Meet me at the side door.
-I want you to try something. -Ah, I gotta get back.
It's-- Just do what I say, all right? Side door.
[sighs]
You know, Dad's gonna kill me, Pap.
I still got a ton of deliveries.
He works for me, God damn it. Come here.
I want you to try something.
-Hey, Grandma. -Hey.
-How you doing? -Want something to eat?
-No, I'm okay. I really gotta get to work.
-All right, I'll make you something.
Oh, boy. Just you wait.
Ha ha.
-Yeah. -Homemade?
Louie made it. Go ahead. Try it.
Ah, it's pretty cloudy, Pap. I don't know
if he ran it through all the way.
Don't be a baby. Take a sip of that. Go ahead.
Come on.
-Ah? -[coughing]
Ah? Yeah.
No. Jesus.
It's good, ain't it?
Maybe for cleaning battery terminals.
-Ah, it's delicious. -[woman] Ahh! Hah hah!
Is that Nonnie?
-[woman murmuring] -Non?
-Ma, what's the matter? -Ahh! Hah hah!
-Non, you all right? -I'm coming!
He cheat with the no-good puttane,
and his wife has a baby in the car in the snow.
-Jesus Christ. -[wails]
You gave me a heart attack.
And he no there to take her to hospital.
Son of a bitch!
Beth! Telephone!
Who is it?
She didn't say.
Hello.
Hey, baby.
Beth?
What?
I miss you.
Then, maybe you should have done what you said you were gonna do.
Yeah, I know. I know. That's, um--
That's why I'm calling.
Oh, y-you're coming?
No, no, no. But I've already talked to your mom a little bit,
softened her up.
I'm pretty sure she's gonna let you go.
No, I-- I don't ski, Prentice.
You could take lessons, okay?
They're calling for a huge snow. It's gonna be amazing.
That's besides the point.
You promised you were gonna come, and you didn't.
-Beth, just listen to me. -You made your choice.
-I'm gonna go. -Beth--
-Merry Christmas, Prentice. -[hangs up]
Was that really necessary?
I know you and Dad sacrificed a lot
so that I could go to private school.
But now I'm beginning to think it's all
about me finding a rich husband.
Oh, that's ridiculous.
I don't think it's ridiculous to ask
my boyfriend to keep his word.
He's young. He wanted to go skiing with his friends.
You mean like how men from your generation
wanted to hang out with their friends and not their wives.
Yeah, no-- no, thanks.
Where are you going?
I'm going to hang out with my friends.
[rock and roll playing]
[car horn honks]
Watch it, Princess!
[Beth] I didn't see you!
¶ And nobody's gonna go to school today ¶
¶ She's gonna make them stay at home... ¶
Okay, wait a second.
He blows off Christmas with you to go skiing?
-Yep. -What a prick.
Okay, try telling that to my mom.
I swear he could murder somebody,
and she'd say it was okay
-just because he's rich. -How rich?
Very rich.
What's his dad do?
Uh, spends Christmas in Europe, for one thing.
I don't really know exactly,
though it's big Philadelphia money.
Well, for what it's worth,
my mom would definitely love it if I married a rich guy.
[laughs] I just--
I'm not-- I'm not looking to punish him for being rich.
I just-- [sighs]
Sarah, I want to be appreciated.
I don't wanna be bought and stuck on a shelf.
Hey, I get it, but, um...
would you let him rent you?
-Sarah, stop. -What?!
I'm just saying we all end up charging for it in the end.
Some of us just don't charge enough.
-Well, apparently I charge too much.
-Hmm.
Want to forget about him?
I don't know.
I'm not talking about permanently.
Just temporarily.
Hey, Frankie, you wanna try this wine?
I'm in no hurry to go blind.
Carmine, you drink that shit, you're gonna wind up
with a tin cup and a cane selling pencils under a bridge.
So you don't want any?
[laughs]
-[train horn blowing] -You know what kills my stomach?
Bourbon. Stuff drives me crazy.
Oh, well, I-- I got a remedy for that.
What?
Don't drink bourbon.
-[car horn honks] -Oh. Very funny.
Tell me when to laugh.
The next time I gotta take you to the emergency room
because you're pissing blood.
Is that Tony's girl over there, Katie?
Ex. He broke that up months ago. Where you been?
Ah, nobody tells me nothin'.
Company she's keeping, he's better off.
Marone, she is stacked.
Carmine, please. We went to this kid's christening,
for Christ's sakes.
You think Tony was boning her?
"Boning"?
You're such a poet, Carmine.
Definitely.
[Carmine] She is stacked.
Same as how the old ladies,
they still read the tea leaves a-and worry about the evil eye.
I mean, we-- we talk about
a high school football game from--
from, say, 1964 as if it were the moon walk.
You know, two guys drive to Wheeling to gamble
a-and visit a cathouse, and we turn it into The Odyssey.
You know, we make it larger than life.
Places like Greentown,
we-- we grow our own mythologies.
We're tribal like that.
Uh, Chicky, one more beer, please.
Can't you see I'm busy?
Get it yourself.
Excuse me. [clears throat]
I mean, think about the Feast.
We make that larger than life,
because, on Christmas Eve in this town, everybody is Italian
or thinks they are.
I mean, do most people even know why they do it, really?
No. It d-- It doesn't matter.
They just know that they have to do it.
I-It's like we got one foot in America in the present
and another in Europe in the past,
and we just-- we obsess on all of it.
You obsess, Juke.
The rest of us really don't give a shit.
Eh, not true. I think I get what he's saying.
We really do have, um, what do you call it?
-Oral traditions. -Yeah.
-Kind of like how folks
always say you can never find a girlfriend for Christmas.
Yeah, well, you'll find out as you
get older just how seriously bad it is
not to have someone to share Christmas with.
Even if you end up
breaking up with them by New Year's.
-[clatter] -Aah! Shit!
God damn it!
[laughing]
Mark my words.
In 15 years, you're gonna be sitting here,
laughing about that.
[speaking Italian]
Chicky, are you all right?
Damn son of a bitch.
[Christmas instrumental playing]
Calculus wasn't this hard.
That's just the cannabis talking.
Yens know what you want yet?
-Um... -Um...
I'm thirsty.
[both laugh]
I don't sell thirsty.
I sell pop and chocolate milk.
We'll have two pepperoni rolls
with sauce.
and cheese
and two Cokes.
[funk instrumental playing]
I can't believe how hungry I am.
Really?
I forgot.
We're going out tonight.
-No. Mm-mm. -Yes, we are. Yes.
I don't wanna go and get groped by a bunch
of uneducated townies. No.
Um, thank you.
-I didn't mean you. -Well, that's a relief,
because I'd hate to be thought of as uneducated.
-Groper, that's okay. -Please don't bust on me.
I'm too high. [laughs]
[laughs] You've become a snob.
-What? No, I haven't. -Yes, you have.
Going Ivy League does not automatically make you a snob.
-Really? -Mm-hmm.
So, like, did you take a special workshop class...
-Listen. Listen. -to become a...
Whenever I come back here, it's like I'm in,
like-- like a different country.
Like, even, like, here, like, in my own home.
You're really high.
[both snickering]
Wait a second.
I been meaning to tell you.
I've been dating this guy.
-What? -His name is Angelo,
and he's got this cousin.
-No. -He's cute, and he's nice,
and he's smart. His name is Tony Oliverio.
-[groans] -Listen.
There's worse ways to spend the holidays than with a cute guy.
I could just introduce you guys to each other,
see if you hit it off,
and, if you don't, you could dump him after New Year's
from the safety and comfort of your ivory, white tower
miles and miles away.
[sighs] Fine.
[train horn blowing]
-The hell have you been, shit stain?
-Ow!
We're busting ass in there! We could use some help!
Kiss my ass, man.
Say that again.
-Kiss my ass. -You wanna die?
Hey, yens knock off the grab-ass.
Tony, you gotta run stuff up to Miceli's.
Why don't you make him do it for once?
If I want any shit from you, I'll squeeze your head.
-Why do you gotta be so hard on him?
-Well, you never make him do anything.
-He's a kid. -Dad, when I was his age,
you worked me like a dog.
Tony, someday this place will be yours.
You gotta take care of it.
And, anyway, he'll work soon enough.
Now take Miceli's their stuff, and knock off.
Tony...
go have some fun tonight, huh?
-Thanks, Dad. -Ah.
What are you doing, you Tobacco Roader?
Nothing.
So we're going over to your grandpa's,
help with the fish for tomorrow.
You-- You wanna come?
-Sure. -Get in.
Hey, Uncle Frankie, when are you gonna teach me
how to make money on the parlays?
Uh, never. What are you, crazy?
-Come on. -Save your money.
I can't teach you.
I-It's something you're born with.
You bet the Steelers last week, right?
-Yeah, sure.
-Only an idiot makes that kind of bet!
-I bet the Steelers. -Which proves my point.
Your problem is, is you're betting with your heart,
not your head.
Yeah, but they're my team. Plus they played Browns.
-I can't-- -Can't bet on the Browns.
Then, you don't make the bet!
You're an idiot.
It's not your fault.
You take after Uncle Carmine's side of the gene pool.
But that gene pool also comes with a good head of hair.
[big band music playing]
[Carmine] Oh ho!
Oh, look who decided to show up.
-Yeah.
-I gave youse up for dead, you know.
Well, I had to make a few stops.
-Yens eat yet? -No.
I made some pasta.
[Carmine] I could eat.
What?
Nothin'.
No, no, no, no. Don't say, "Nothin'."
I know that look, John. What?
Nothin'. Just figured, you know,
you'd pick up a little V.O., is all.
When did he ask for V.O.? You never asked for V.O.!
When did he ask for V.O.?
-I heard "V.O." -How could you hear "V.O."?
Your head's so far up his ass, you can't hear nothin'!
-I heard "V.O." -You know, you--
Little V.O. It's the holidays. I want a little V.O.
-Yeah, I know, but you gotta ask for it...
-Is that such a big deal?
One thing I ask for! That's all. One thing!
-You don't dri-- -Sit down. Just sit down.
-We'll eat. -All right, but, uh...
-Grab the pasta, will you, sweetheart?
-I would have got it. On my--
I would have got it for you. I would love to get it for you.
I didn't know you drank it. I only known you 66 years.
-You didn't know he drank it? -It's true.
Here. Have some of this. It's served me very well.
-I can go get it. -Ma!
-Come on down! Eat! -[Frankie] Carmine, go get her.
-Carry her down. -[Carmine] Hey, Ma!
-She's deaf! Go get her! -Ma!
I thawed out them fish you caught last summer.
I figured we'd start out cleaning 'em first.
Can I help?
Ah.
Hope the baccala is better than last year. That was a bad batch.
The fish wasn't bad.
Johnny, he didn't change the water enough.
It was too salty.
You live here?
-I used to.
-How do you know how much I changed it?
Because I could taste it. It was too salty.
And Ma said so. Ask her.
I don't have to ask Ma. That was delicious fish.
Yeah, if you like salt.
You gonna help cook, Nonnie?
No. I cook enough for them when they was boys.
How's the pasta, Ma?
It's fine...
if you like it like that.
[rock and roll playing]
So, Sarah, how do you know this girl?
Uh, we were both summer camp counselors at Chestnut Ridge,
-the summer after high school. -Yeah.
Then she went off Ivy League.
And she lived here the whole time, and nobody ever knew her.
Well, her mom sent her to some private
school near Pittsburgh.
Well, we went to private school.
We didn't have to go all the way to Pittsburgh to do it.
-Well, it wasn't like Catholic School.
-What?
She, uh, didn't get her ass
beaten by a nun every five minutes?
Angelo, you used to get whipped so much by Sister Vivian,
I got to thinking you actually liked it a little bit.
Hey, to tell you the truth, I used to think I could
give her a heart attack.
Seriously. I thought she'd
swing that paddle one too many times,
boom, her heart would just pop right out of her chest.
Oh? But...
-But then, later on, I used to...
- That's not funny
think, like, maybe it was a workout for her, you know,
like the more that she beat me,
the better shape she was getting in,
so I was kind of helping her out.
It was the Christian thing to do.
Oh.
-So this girl, Beth... -Beth. Uh-huh.
is she getting extra credit
for anthropology class or something,
observing townies in their natural habitat?
Maybe she's trying to check out our mating rituals. Yay.
Well, why don't you both ask her for yourselves?
She's waiting right up at the corner.
-Hey. -Hi.
Hi.
Beth Claremont, this is Angelo Bettanti and Tony Oliverio.
¶ I just don't feel the same ¶
¶ Now that it's Christmas ¶
-¶ Left me alone... ¶ -Beautiful.
-Oh, my God.
-Reddy Kilowatt's wet dream, guys.
-No. -It's true. That's Christmas.
If I'm Santa Claus, I go, "Donner, Blitzen,
the house with the lights, they care.
Everybody else's presents can wait."
What do you think, Beth?
Uh, I mean, I-- I don't know.
I prefer something a little more understated,
like all white lights.
Understated? The fat guy sneaks into your house and
gives your kids presents.
You want understated? No.
It's red, it's green, and a little bit of white,
or it's not Christmas.
-He means tasteful. -¶ Now that it's Christmas ¶
¶ Guess I'll be crying ¶
¶ Now that it's Christmas ¶
Gram? You smoke?
For 50 years.
Can I have one?
Hell, no.
All right, why don't you come inside? It's freezing out here.
'Cause of that old lady up there.
She's thinks only a p--
only bad women smoke.
Yeah, but it's your house.
Well, when she moved in, I knew it would bother her,
so I hid it just to keep the peace.
I figured she's older than dirt. How long could she live?
She's never gonna die.
Okay. Well, I better get back in there and clean some fish.
Even though Christmas has evolved into more than
its original meaning,
I don't think the evolution has been all that bad.
I mean, commercialism is...
-I don't know what I'm trying to say.
-No, no, I know what you mean.
It's sort of like, uh, Christmas is this blank canvas,
and everybody uses it to work out their feelings
of family and hope and nostalgia.
Hey, Tony, you know I love you, right?
-Yeah. -Yeah.
What the hell are you talking about right now?
-[laughs] -We're just saying--
-We're having a conversation. -No, no, no, no, no.
That wasn't a real question, okay? My real question is,
do you have an Excedrin?
Because you're making my head hurt.
-What the hell is "nostalgia"? -[chuckles]
[rock and roll playing]
Porter!
Let me get two pitchers and four glasses!
You guys grab a table.
I'll be right there, okay?
Tony, you remember this song?
-Uh-huh. -Look at that.
-Mm. -There it is.
Huh? Huh?
Oh, she likes it.
-She likes it.
-So, uh, Angelo's your best friend?
Cousin. Yeah.
If he wasn't, there's no way I'd hang out with him.
There are certain things about you I don't like anymore.
You're still my cousin, but this taste of music,
-I don't understand it. -I'm just saying
there's some really interesting new stuff out there,
like the Talking Heads, Elvis Costello.
Elvis Coste-- I'm sorry.
What self-respecting Italian mother names their kid Elvis?
He's not Italian. He's British. It's different.
You should try these guys, man. You would like 'em, really.
-I'm not gonna tr-- -Don't get me wrong.
I'll always love the Stones, and I'll love Springsteen,
but I'm just saying, some of the stuff
I used to listen to, now I don't know.
I don't know how I ever did, like Boston.
-Ohh! -Like Boston, what?
-Tony, don't get me started. -Like Boston.
-I can't listen to 'em anymore. -Blasphemy.
All right, well, hold on, 'cause it gets a lot worse.
I can't listen to Rush any more, either, or Triumph.
-You're gonna go to Hell. -All right.
You're going straight to Hell.
There'll be good music, at least.
Juke, please, can you come over here and distract me from Tony?
'Cause he's gone crazy. Merry Christmas.
-Hello. Season's greetings, all. -Hey.
Uh, Anthony, I spent the afternoon w-with your brother.
Oh, no. My condolences.
I tried to educate him on some of the mysteries of life.
Yeah? How'd it go?
The jury's still out.
I did loan him my copy of Siddhartha,
but I think he found the lack of pictures somewhat daunting.
Uh, Tony, you gonna introduce me to the lovely young lady?
Oh. Uh, Beth Claremont, Juke Jakowski,
philosopher king of Greentown.
-Hi. -Hi.
It's a pleasure to meet you.
So you, uh, got a girlfriend lately, Juke?
Oh, girlfriend? Who needs a girlfriend in this,
the season of brotherly love?
See? Brotherly love. That explains it all.
-You're a fruit. -[groaning]
Angelo, your wit is exceeded in size only by your penis.
[laughing]
And, even then, only just.
It's okay that you don't know what that means.
I'm gonna go play some pool
and, uh, cheat Tylko out of his Christmas bonus.
Uh, I'll see you guys tomorrow night
-for Seven Fishes. -You got it.
-Beth, it was very lovely to meet you.
-Nice to meet you.
-All right, Juke. -Bye.
-Oh, wow. That guy is a trip. -Right.
And so well read and well spoken,
but he looks like he's been working on cars for a living.
He does work on cars for a living.
Yeah, not Fords or foreigns. It's kinda weird like that.
-Did he say I had a small penis? -Yeah.
-Is that what he just said?
-No, he said you had small penis.
Sure did. Mm-hmm.
You wanna go play some pool?
Sure. Let's go, baby dick.
You guys-- What?!
[both snickering]
Is this a thing now?
Do you guys wanna play pool with us?
-No, no. -No.
Ohh. Come on.
After you.
Tell her it's not true.
And what-- what was Juke talking about, Seven...
-The Seven Fishes? -Yeah.
The Feast of the Seven Fishes,
it's something we do every Christmas Eve.
I mean, all the Italians around here do it.
What? Eat seven kinds of fish?
We have seven-- Or we're supposed to.
We honestly make so many different kinds of dishes,
I'm not sure if we're in some sort of violation or not.
Some families only do three or five. Some do more.
I think the only thing is, just has to be an odd number.
Somebody told me that maybe it has something to do
with representing the seven sacraments.
But, uh, it's not like a big religious thing for us,
though, you know?
I mean, we cook fish, and we party and, uh...
I mean, it's-- [laughs] That's pretty much it.
The whole family's there, friends. It's a blast.
Wow. God. Christmas Eve at my house is the most
quiet night of the year.
[laughs] I mean, we don't do anything.
Oh, in our house, it's the loudest, which is...
pretty scary, actually, yeah, now that I think about it.
The thing is, the Feast, it's one of those
"about the journey" things, you know,
like getting there being the fun of it all.
Everyone spends so much time on the preparation,
the dinner itself, it's-- it's almost a letdown.
What, it takes that long?
Oh, yeah.
All right, take the baccala. It's a real pain in the ass.
Baccala is a codfish that's been heavily salted to preserve it,
so it comes stiff as a board,
and you have to soak it in water for three days,
always changing the water.
I mean, Grandfather, my great uncles,
that's their thing. They're obsessed with it.
So most of that, we bake in tomato sauce,
and the rest, we roll into balls and deep-fry.
Whiting's a nice plain whitefish.
We fry it in a cast-iron skillet verified
with garlic and olive oil and salt and pepper.
There's a really small fish called smelt. I love 'em.
When we were kids,
we'd have this big eating contest.
We didn't always have shrimp. It was too expensive,
but Uncle Frankie started bringing it one year,
and he fixes it deep-fried.
The oysters, we just eat raw,
except for a couple we throw in the soup.
There's eel, which we bread and deep-fry in olive oil
and then marinate in some kind
of vinegar-type thing my grandfather makes.
And last, but certainly not least, there's calamari.
Calamari's Italian for squid, and that,
we fix a whole bunch of different ways,
stuffed and baked, fried. I like boiling it
and marinating it in vinegar and garlic and served cold.
That's it. That's our seven.
-[applause] -[whistling]
And obviously, you know, they aren't all fish,
but I guess Feast of the Seven Types of Seafood
just doesn't roll off the tongue the same way, so...
It sounds fun.
Oh, it is. Yeah.
[both laugh]
[big band music playing]
Get these fish clean tonight,
one less thing we gotta do in the morning.
Figured that out all by yourself, have you?
-Kiss my ass, Frankie. -[chuckling]
Who did all this when you were a kid? Was that Nonnie?
Nah. The old man did it.
Oh, now, the old man, he was a cook.
-Hell of a cook. -What all did he cook?
Oh, shit, anything.
One time, he cooked a possum...
-Yeah? -Right?
Stuffed it with tons and tons of garlic.
A possum? What did that taste like?
Pretty much like garlic.
-And how long ago did he die? -[exhales]
Uh, been 40 years now.
June 6, 1944.
I was at Normandy.
And Nonnie never married anyone else, huh?
No. After the old man died,
she just, uh, turned all her attention to her kids.
I should have gotten her out more often.
That's just what I was thinking. That's...
How old is she, anyways?
She's gotta be, uh-- How old is she, Carmine?
Oh, she's old.
She's old. She's an old lady.
Here it is.
[pounding]
I think they like each other. What do you think?
I think I'm happy we don't have to listen to them talk anymore.
This is for you.
-[ball clatters in pocket] -Wow.
What you said about Christmas was really insightful,
about it being our own canvas to paint our wishes on.
I mean, I-- I think that's why I like it so much.
Okay, listen.
-[Christmas music playing] -¶ No Christmas song... ¶
Christmas music, it can take you back to any
point in your childhood
or someplace safe and warm.
I mean, I've already worn out two copies of
Julie Andrews's Christmas album.
Yeah. Uh, for me, it's Dean Martin.
I love "Baby, It's Cold Outside."
I don't-- I don't think I know that one.
Well, I guess it's not so much about Christmas
as it is about Dean getting laid, but...
[clears throat] Julie Andrews is good, too.
Um, I-- I'll be right back.
Okay.
[sighs] You dumbass.
[rock ballad playing]
Hi.
Merry Christmas.
Um, can I-- can I buy you a beer?
That'd be nice.
Um, Porter, can I plea-- Can I get two more, please?
So, uh, what's Santa bringing you for Christmas?
I don't know.
I been pretty naughty this year.
I think I might just get coal.
¶ It's like I told you ¶
-¶ Only the lonely can play... ¶ -Yeah, how 'bout, uh, a toast?
To, um-- To the magic of Christmas.
That is so...
sweet.
[vomits]
-Uh...
-Holy shit, Juke! What'd you do?!
Should have seen that coming. Shit, she's only 15.
That's her problem. She don't know how to drink yet.
Why didn't you share that with me earlier?
I thought you knew?
That's Moe's little sister, Phyllis.
-I ought to cut you off, asshole.
-Porter, can--
I hadn't-- I wasn't-- I didn't do it.
Cindy, come and get her, please, and take her to
the ladies' room.
Call me an asshole? I'm propping this place up.
I hadn't-- I wasn't-- I didn't do-- I didn't do anything.
I hope you feel better.
¶ Only the lonely can play ¶
[sighs]
-¶ Only the lonely ¶ -Ah, merry damn Christmas.
¶ Only the lonely can play ¶
108.
I love that song.
You got it.
Hey, Tony,
You hear Sweeney's got girls dancing up at his bar?
Naked dancing.
So what?
So Katie's making her debut tonight.
Tony! Tony, what are you doing? This is what she wants.
Well, it worked, man, all right?
Now would you please just let me take the car?
-Come on, man. -Absolutely not.
No, no, no, no, no. We're all going,.
Let's go.
I'm sorry.
You didn't have to come out with me.
I forgive you. I'm not gonna let you go alone.
Tony, you gotta stop trying to take care of everybody, okay?
Especially Katie.
She's not a bad person, Sarah.
Oh, yeah? Is that why she took up a job stripping?
She's got a point.
[music thumping inside]
[Beth] What's he gonna do?
Probably get his ass kicked.
Is-- Is he in love with this girl?
What? Hell, no.
Whenever she pull stunts like this, he feels responsible.
I told you he was a nice guy.
Nice guy?
Yeah, that nice-guy shit is overrated, if you ask me.
Put your hands together for your next act, Felicity.
-Troubles, hey. -Hey, Tony.
Listen, have you seen Katie around?
Yeah. Last time I saw her, she was talking to the boss.
-Appreciate it. -Hey, ho.
Three bucks, man.
Stop by the office when you're done.
I usually have a little bonus for girls on their first night.
All right, give a big Sweeney's welcome to...
-Katie, what the hell are you doing?
-Working, asshole.
I'm not talking to you. Come on. Let's go.
-I'm not going anywhere. -Katie, we're leaving.
Wrong, jackass. You're leaving.
-[music thumping inside] -[Angelo sighs]
Get your-- Get your hands off me, man!
-[blow thumps] -Oh, shit!
Don't come back, you little faggot!
[sighs]
Tony. Tony! Stop it.
-Tony, stop.
-Get onstage. You're gonna make--
-Tony. -Tony! Tony!
-Okay, do not go back in there! -Stop!
-You came back for some more, huh?
-Buddy, this is
- Frankie Oliverio's nephew, all right?
-[laughs]
-He wouldn't like it very much. -I care about that old fart?
Katie, let's go! Come on! Get--
-She ain't going anywhere. -Oh, my God!
-Get off of him! -Get your hands off her!
Get your ass back in there, or you're fired!
Then, I'm fired.
Tough guy, you want the little rip, take her.
-Come on. Let's go. -Get out of here.
-I'm taking you home. -[Sarah] Yeah, let's go.
You brought a date.
You son of a bitch. You brought a date.
No one brings dates here, Katie.
-Yeah, go to Hell, Sarah! -I'll punch you.
Could you guys just wait in the car for a minute, please?
Why'd you even come here?
Like you didn't plan for me to.
Your whole life, you've gotten away with using your
looks to get what you want,
but this? Come on.
You're better than this.
Yeah, well, I need the money, all right?
And, besides, what do you care anymore, huh?
She's very pretty.
Dresses like a slut.
[water flows]
Let me see.
Does it hurt bad?
Nah, it feels great.
Don't be smart with me.
Just look at yourself, Katie.
What, are you kidding?
I got the idea for the outfit 'cause of you.
You remember this skirt?
'Member how much you liked taking it off?
[sighs]
You couldn't wait to get home from school.
Sometimes I used to leave the whole thing on,
the whole outfit, remember?
It's been a long time since we did it like that.
[sighs]
We're not doing it tonight, Katie.
Why, 'cause that little cake eater in the car?
I barely know her.
And, even if I were interested,
I doubt she'll have shit to do with me after this.
We have to move on.
No.
I don't have to move on.
You don't want me to strip, fine, I won't strip,
but I don't have to move on, Tony, because you want to.
Get out of here.
Come on. Let us take you home.
I said get out of here. Don't leave your little
girlfriend waiting for you.
I said to go, Tony!
Look, I'm not an idiot, all right?
I know what she's doing, a-and it's not gonna work.
She's not gonna get back in my life.
At least, not romantically, anyway.
All right, it has been months now. She needs to move on,
-and you need to let go of her. -But she's got real problems.
She's not some old car or something that I've traded in.
You can just drop me off.
Ah, nah, nah, nah. Come on with that. Stop it.
-No, I don't wanna bring everybody down.
-No, no.
-We're gonna go to Chicky Joe's...
-Sarah, I don't think it's a good--
Just-- Just a beer.
It'll do you some good to talk about it.
I'll see yens tomorrow, then.
[TV playing indistinctly]
Hey. You going, too?
-Yeah. -All right.
-I love you, kid. -You, too.
-All right. -Night, Pap.
Be safe.
[train horn blowing]
Hey, Katie.
Hey, Vince.
Aren't you cold?
[sighs] Yeah.
Hey, you wanna walk me home?
Okay.
I'm freezing.
Can you put your arm around me?
[rock ballad playing]
Wow, you're getting really strong.
Thanks for walking me.
Yeah, of course.
Looks like my mom's already asleep.
You wanna come inside?
Uh, I--
Tony.
Tony?
What's Tony got to do with anything?
[giggles] Come on.
You must have been a very good boy, Vince.
Hell, yes, I have.
Let's get more comfortable.
[gasping]
Vince, you need to leave.
-What? -Please just leave.
Look, I know you want to get back at him.
I mean, I'm okay with that.
[chorus vocalizing]
[bell pealing]
There is no God.
[rock ballad playing]
I thought it was really sweet what you did tonight.
It's noble.
Believe me, when that guy was kicking my ass,
I was seriously questioning my nobility.
[both laugh]
Does it hurt?
Not so bad.
Thanks.
Don't discount what you're feeling, man.
Existential angst is a bitch.
Thank you.
[sighs] Oh, yeah.
Can I buy you another one of those?
Mm...
nope.
I've already met my quota for doing stupid shit tonight.
[sighs] Try again another time.
That's not very friendly.
I'm not very friendly.
-Ohh! -Hey, now. You okay?
-Yeah, I'm fine. -Okay, I'll take it from here.
-Hey, man, she's all right. -It's okay.
Hey, man, I said she's all right.
Porter, assistance.
If you're gonna cruise for skirt,
you do it in a college bar, not down here.
You got that, hand job?
Okay.
Stool must be cursed.
[blues playing]
Hey, Beth.
Can I talk to you for a second?
Yeah, sure.
Alone.
Oh! Yeah, no problem.
-Sorry. -Leave you to it.
So...
kinda want to spend more time with Angelo tonight...
like all night.
Oh. Okay.
So is this the old, if anyone asks, you stayed the
night at my house thing?
-Oh, my God. -[laughs]
Do you think I'm a slut?
I don't know.
What would you say if I asked you the same thing?
-You want to go home with Tony? -Shh. [shushing] stop.
-Shut up. -You're right.
You're right. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I've just-- [sighs]
I've been with Prentice now for two years,
and it's been two years of it being all about him.
Or-- Or about us. I don't-- I don't really know.
It's just been so long since it's been me with a new guy
and getting to know him.
Getting his tongue stuck down your throat.
I swear you are a guy trapped in a girl's body.
[both laugh]
If I am, I'm definitely a homo, 'cause I love boys.
[laughs]
No, I get it. I get it.
Well, and it's not like I even want to do anything.
I just want to get to know him better.
It's okay. No need to explain.
Want some change for the rubber machine?
[wind blowing]
[overlapping chatter]
Really sorry they took off like that.
I don't know how Angelo expected me to get you home.
It's-- It's okay.
Uh, well, we can walk to my grandparents' house.
I'll borrow a car.
-Okay. -Okay.
[music playing]
[music fades]
[Katie coughs]
[groans, spits]
-[Juke] Okay. -[groans]
[toilet flushing]
Are you all right to sit down in here?
I-I'm gonna get you something to drink.
[sighs] Okay.
Here.
Come on. Just a sip.
[sighs]
[hiccups]
[laughs]
I'm a mess.
[sighs]
I don't know what's gotten into me.
I didn't just lose Tony, you know?
I lost the whole family.
[sighs]
Tomorrow night, they're gonna be all together,
having a great time.
And I'm gonna be stuck at home
watching my mother fall asleep in front of the television.
It's not fair, Juke.
-It's not fair. -I know.
I know.
May I ask you a question?
Why do you expect Tony or anyone of any quality
to care about you when you care so little about yourself?
[laughs]
[sighs] Ah, Jesus, Juke. You sound like Tony's bullshit.
Well, maybe you should have listened to him.
All I ever did was love him.
All I ever did was worship him.
Yeah, and all Tony ever saw when he looked at you was
you looking at him.
All you wanted to do was hold on to him.
I loved him since the third grade.
Of course I wanted to hold on to him.
He didn't need to be held.
He was moving forward. He-- He was growing.
And I think that's what he needed in a girlfriend.
Hey, all right, enough. I get it.
You think I didn't try?
I read the books about the dead fricking artists
who cut their ears off,
and I listened to the music he wanted--
He needed you to bring something more.
Something more than...
More than what?
More than just sex.
I gotta go.
Katie, look...
-You know, I can drive you. -No.
No. I'm gonna walk.
Hey, um, my grandparents
let me use that shed as a studio.
-Studio? -Yeah.
You wanna see it?
-Yeah. -Okay.
[ballad playing]
[fire crackling]
It's colder in there than it is outside.
-Tony, you're really good. -[chuckles]
I don't know why you're studying business.
This thing heats up fast.
Like, these are really, really, really good.
I mean, come on.
Come on. This is amazing. I really-- I love this one.
You should be showing these somewhere.
Yeah, can you see me running around with the
New York art crowd?
Yeah, I can.
Well, not unless we move the store to Manhattan.
What, so you just have to run the store?
That-- That's it? You don't get a say-so?
That's your destiny?
Well...
Well, yeah.
Although, until right now, I guess I never realized
just how pathetic that is.
No, um, look, if you want to be a garbageman,
I think that's great if that's your heart's desire.
I guess I'm lucky my family didn't go into sanitation.
Would you, uh-- [clears throat]
Would you like something to drink?
Sure.
-Coke? -Coke.
One Coke coming up. [exhales]
Uh, hey. Um...
you're not mad, are you?
No. [chuckles]
I'm not mad.
I'll be right back.
[exhales]
What are you doing?
Hey. Uh...
nothing. Just getting a Coke.
-You by yourself? -[bottles rattle]
Yeah. Yeah, I, uh...
I can't sleep. You know, so I thought I'd paint awhile,
sleep in the shed. Anyway, night.
[door closes]
Going to paint.
Is that what they call it these days?
[both chuckle]
[music playing]
It's getting pretty late.
Beth.
[sighs]
[whispering] God, you're beautiful.
[music continues]
[TV playing indistinctly]
[audience laughs]
All right.
[sighs]
[grunts] Okay.
[music playing]
[wheels squealing]
I-- I need to get somebody to take me to five-and-dime.
Ma, I gotta get this feast started, all right?
Tony stayed out in the shed.
Let me get him to take you.
That stinks! [groans]
I get him myself.
[Christmas instrumental playing]
[no audible dialogue]
[door creaks]
Tony, can you pa--
Ahh. Puttana!
Ohh!
[groans]
Non! Nonnie!
[speaking Italian]
What did you just do?!
-I'm sorry about that.
-It's fine. I need to go, anyways.
I'm supposed to meet Sarah at the diner, so--
-Well, I can drive you. -Oh, there's no need.
No, it's no problem. Just give me a second.
-Hey! -She's gotta go!
-No, she don't. -Yes, she does!
-No, she don't. -[sighs]
-Is this about to get worse? -Uh...
I don't see how.
She seemed really angry.
You think so?
I think she was just surprised, is all.
What does a puttana mean?
[clears throat] Is that-- I don't know. Is that Italian?
I don't know much Italian, actually.
Do you want some more coffee?
Oh. Hey, what happened?
Ma called. She's all upset.
Oh. Thank you.
Who gave you the shiner?
Had a mix-up with a guy.
-What guy? -Just a guy.
Beth, you want me to drop you off at the diner?
-I got work at the store. It's on the way.
-No, I should probably just walk.
-I gotta go that way. I could take youse.
-Who's gonna help me clean the fish?
Johnny, we got all the time in the world.
-I got things to do. -I got things to do, too.
So I do my thing, you'll do your thing, and then we'll do the--
All right, go-- go in the car.
-All right? Wai-- Go. Go. -Okay.
-Go in the car. I'll meet you there.
-All right. Here we go.
[Nonnie] It's okay.
Oh, my God. She's coming with us?
[sighs]
She's coming?
I'll get Marian to take me.
-No, no. -Oh, no.
I not get in the car.
You asked me to come and get you!
-No. No. -Ugh!
[crossing bell ringing]
Hey, uh, I had a really great time last night.
Me, too.
Why don't you ask her to dinner tonight?
Ah, she's got her own family, Uncle Frank. She--
What are you talking about? She's americano,
cake eater, for Christ's sake.
She's got nothin'. Am I right?
No. No, I'm not doing anything.
Um, unless-- unless you don't want me to come.
No. No, why wouldn't I? I mean...
Okay.
Okay, as in you're coming, okay?
Okay, we'll see.
Okay.
Okay! I hate to break up this romantic interlude,
but I've got things to do.
Merry Christmas, Tony.
Merry Christmas.
[sighs] Oh, God.
[entry bell rings]
You're good.
You think?
Oh, yeah.
He'll be moping all day.
[chuckles]
Uh, what time you figure to come?
I'm not coming.
I don't think your mom would be very happy to see me there.
You're gonna be scared of a little old lady?
Yeah! Yeah.
If we left the fighting to your generation,
we'd all be saying, "Heil, Hitler,"
instead of, "Merry Christmas."
Okay, fine. Wh-What's time do you recommend?
Around 3:00, while we're still cooking.
You wanna be able to appreciate my brother's dictorial behavior.
Wear a dress. You know, Tony's a leg man.
Who gave my nephew the shiner?
Oh, I-- I don't know.
Ah, I got a pretty good idea who did it.
I just need a second opinion.
I-- I just-- I'd rather not say.
Do I look like I care you'd rather not say?
[sighs] What?
-[knocking on door] -What?!
[knocking on door]
Yeah.
[knockig on door]
How you doing?
[wailing]
[wailing continues]
-You know me? -Yes, sir...
Mr. Oliverio. Ow!
-Now it's "Mr. Oliverio"? -Yes, sir.
-I'm not an old fart? -No, sir.
-Now listen to me. -Yeah.
-I want you away from Katie, understand?
-Yes, sir.
I don't want you near her.
-And you owe her $200 cash. -Okay.
And get somebody else to deliver it, not you.
I don't want to ever see you near her again, you understand?
I understand.
Stay away from my nephew.
Aah! Oh, God.
[groans]
Hope I didn't scare you.
Actually, you know,
I thought it was great, you avenging Tony.
Tony?
No.
He had nothing to do with it.
Whatever you say, Mr. Oliverio.
Oliverio?
Beth, we're accomplices now.
Better call me Frankie.
You've got to be joking.
You're gonna spend Christmas Eve with people you don't even know?
What's the big deal? Okay,
I want to experience an Italian Christmas.
So what?
Christmas Eve should be spent quietly i-in your own home,
-not with a bunch of-- -Of what?
[sighs]
No, what were you gonna say?
Hey, Mom, you don't even know them.
I grew up with plenty of Italian people, Beth, more than you.
I do know them.
They're good, hardworking people.
But they're not our kind of people.
-Jesus. -[telephone rings]
Are you gonna get that?
[ring]
-[Christmas instrumental playing]
-Vinny, get me a little more milk.
just, like, a half a cup.
Wonder when that brother of yours is gonna show up.
Thinks his calamari's gonna stuff itself.
He's probably showing that new girl the old Oliverio charm.
Finish with that stuffing there, Frankie?
Nah, not yet. It's still-- It's a little dry.
Where's the milk?
What all you putting in there, Uncle Frankie?
You know, cheese, Parmigiano-Reggiano, right,
and the egg and the garlic...
-Garlic? -the bread crumb.
Then you add all the fish that we been chopping up.
You know, for somebody who doesn't do anything,
you know an awful lot.
Somebody's gotta supervise.
Yeah, well, supervise yourself.
[piano music playing]
When we gonna make the sauce?
The sauce will be made.
Yeah, but when?
-Soon as you open the can. -Place some basil on there,
open up a couple cans of sauce, and pour it on.
I bet Nonnie didn't do it that way.
Nonnie didn't have luxury of sauce in a can,
couldn't afford it.
They didn't invent the can opener yet.
We didn't have fancy Christmases like you kids did.
What, you guys didn't have a Christmas tree?
-Hell, no.
-Christmas tree's a waste of money.
-Are you kidding me? -Christmas tree, this kid.
-We were lucky to get presents. -Maybe we had some oranges,
maybe some chestnuts, maybe some pop. That was it.
-Maybe some pop. -It's all we had.
It's a different time, son.
Yeah, we lived in the Depression,
for crying out loud.
You know what the Depression is?
[telephone rings]
[Johnny] Who was president?
-[ring] -[Carmine] Hoover.
-Hello.
-[Frankie] Franklin Delano Roosevelt.
-Hey. -Was Hoover who got us out.
Uh, I don't know. At the store, I guess.
-[conversation continues] -Yeah, okay. All right.
[Johnny] Who was that?
That was Juke. He's looking for Tony.
What the hell is he looking for Tony for?
Who am I, Kojak?
-Oh ho! -You a wiseguy?
-Yeah, coming along. -You a wiseguy?
Good boy, Vinny. There's hope for you yet.
-I'll smack that wig off your head.
-[chuckles]
There he is, Mr. Michelangelo.
-[laughs] -I bought one of your paintings.
Oh, thank you, Mrs. Savarino.
My daughter's gonna love it.
-Good. I'm glad. -You should be very proud.
Oh, I am. I think it's wonderful he has such a positive hobby.
Thanks again, ma'am. Appreciate it.
[overlapping chatter]
How come you didn't say anything before?
I heard you had a big night last night.
-It was something. -Met a girl.
Yeah, fat lot of good it'll do me.
Nonnie's got it in for her now.
Your great-grandmother's
not pissed because she thinks the girl's a whore.
She's pissed 'cause she's not Catholic.
-Hey, Mr. O. -Jenk!
Hey, Tony. Uh, my uncle wanted you to have some
of his homemade wine.
Aw, thanks, Juke. That's very nice.
-Hey, Tone, slice up some provolone.
-Sure.
Let's try this out now.
["Deck the Halls" instrumental playing]
Wow. What's this pretty little thing coming up the driveway?
[Frankie] Oh, that must be Beth.
Boy, Johnny, your grandson has a way with the ladies.
I wish I came up with that brooding artist scam.
-Beth! -Hi, Frankie!
-Merry Christmas. -Merry Christmas.
How are you, darlin'?
-Good. How are you? -Good. Let me have your coat.
-Who's that, Beth? -[Frankie] Yeah.
You want something to drink?
We got wine, beer, soda, bourbon, whiskey, vodka, wine--
-You said wine already. -Shut up, will you?
-I am Carmine... -Hi.
-Tony's favorite uncle. Nice to meet you.
-Nice to meet you.
The beautiful Beth. How are you, sweetheart?
-I'm great. How are you? -Good.
-You ever meet Tony's brother, Vincent?
-Hi. Nice to meet you.
Everybody works, babe.
Tell you what. Why don't you sit here, and I'll get a chair,
-and you can grate the cheese. -Good idea.
Why can't you bring a nice girl home like that?
This, you could stab Frankie with if he gets out of line.
["Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy" playing]
-Salute. -Salute.
Hey, Tone, Mrs. Paginelli's here.
She wants her smelt and whiting order.
-Don't drink that. -Mm-hmm.
[entry bell rings]
[woman] Hey, Mrs. Oliverio.
How-- How is-- How's the eye?
Oh, it doesn't hurt as bad as it looks.
How are you doing?
I think I'm losing my mind.
It's really bugging me this year...
not having someone.
I know what it is. It's because I want it so bad.
I mean, ask any Buddhist. They'll tell you.
-[man] You got my order?
-I don't think I know any Buddhists.
[telephone ringing]
Yeah, neither do I.
You know, Beth's thinking
of coming over for the Feast tonight.
Oh.
[sighs]
She's a really great girl, Juke.
-[Mr. Oliverio] Hello. Yeah. -So smart, interest in stuff,
-you know? -Pop, we been slammed all day.
She wants something more than to just be somebody's wife.
[Mr. Oliverio] I know, for crying out loud!
So what's the problem?
Christ sakes, Pop, we're not
the only family cooking fish tonight!
Do you remember last Christmas Eve?
They're your family, Tony. You can't change that.
No, no, and I'm not saying I ever wanted to, but I just...
Just what?
There's a whole lot of people
out there who might not appreciate our av...
-You know. -Idiosyncrasies.
Yeah.
[telephone hangs up]
Yeah, I can relate to that.
Your grandfather's driving me crazy with the
lupinis and the cheese.
Look, do me a favor. Take your mother's car,
and go over there, and stay there, and help them.
All right, but I gotta shower first.
["Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy" playing]
Soup is Tony's favorite.
What you wanna do is put all kinds of fish in there.
Except for the shellfish. That, you wait until the end.
Last couple of minutes, you throw that in.
Then, when it's done, you take chunks of hard bread,
-and you toss it in there and-- -Don't forget the saffron.
No, don't do the saffron! I don't do it with--
-Mmm. -Frankie!
-What? -I don't do it with the saffron.
That's not how Mom and Dad did it, so I don't--
If Mom and Dad could afford saffron,
believe me, they would have added it to this.
It's wonderful. I...
[sniffs] Ahh. I picked it up in Montreal.
Mmm. Wow, I hear Montreal is amazing.
What were you doing up there?
Oh, uh, you know, business.
Mmm.
-Okay, Ma, come on. -No, no, no.
-I can get out myself.
-You're gonna fall down on the ice.
No, I'm not an old lady.
-Okay. -I got it.
All right.
What, are you giving me the silent treatment now?
It's not gonna work.
All right.
-Okay, I got you. -What?
[water flowing]
-Oh! -Frankie!
-You don't knock? -In my own house?!
-All right. -[groans]
-[puckers] -[groans]
-Come on, Ma. -[Johnny laughs]
-Ohh! -Sorry.
-It's all right.
-Well, it's about damn time, boy.
You got the lupinis and the smelts?
Yeah, I got it, Pap.
What's the matter? You look disappointed.
No. No, it's cool.
-No? You sure? -Yeah. Why?
I've got something to cheer you up, junior.
Buon Natale, Antonio!
[laughter]
-Eh? Oh? Huh? -Hi.
Now go down to the cellar.
Bring up some chairs for your grandma.
["Jingle Bells" instrumental playing]
Hey, how 'bout a nice piece of baccala, huh?
It ain't Christmas without the baccala.
-How 'bout you, Coop? -Yes, sir.
We're set.
I was just thinking about how much of a shame it is
to be all alone on Christmas Eve, and I was--
Engaged?
No! Wow-- Congratulations.
No, I didn't know.
Oh. That's great.
Oh, I'm so-- I'm very-- I'm very happy for you.
Okay.
Merry Christmas.
[wind blowing]
[Christmas music playing inside]
-Hey, would you stop? -I'm helping.
-So how long do you bake the calamari?
-'Bout an hour.
And the buccala and the whiting?
-Baccala! -Baccala!
-'Bout another hour.
-It's a real exact science. -I picked up on it.
-All right, Tony... -Yeah.
grab some of that--
There's some antipasto in the fridge.
Put it on the table out there, will you?
All right, we got a whole lot of shit to do
and not a lot of time to do it, so everybody, listen up, okay?
I want all nonessential personnel out of the
damn kitchen.
Not you, Carmine!
That means all women, sweetheart, okay?
Vince.
Don't let my mom talk your head off.
-I'll be fine. -[Johnny] All right.
Put a couple of cups of flour in there.
Get a paper bag out the pantry,
some salt and pepper. We're gonna do the smelt first.
Tony, here. Heat up this skillet...
with, uh, some oil,
some hot pepper seasoning, a little bit of garlic.
-Okay.
-All right, Vince, how's that bag coming?
-I'm working on it. -All right.
Start putting the smelt in there. Shake 'em up real good.
-Carmine, fix me another drink, will you?
-That, I can do.
Frankie, how's them shrimp coming?
Almost done cleaning it.
What do you mean almo-- You ain't done yet?!
You know, your favorite baby brother was supposed to help.
All damn day to fart around town,
and the shrimp ain't cleaned?
I turn my back for one minute, and you guys screw up Christmas.
-[door rattles] -Hey, buon Natale!
-[all yelling] -Buon Natale at you.
I'm here, and I brought my appetite, so...
Well, I sure didn't figure you to show up and actually work.
Oh, yeah, that's a good idea. Here. Come here.
-[chorus vocalizing on TV] -[overlapping chatter]
-You know, like that. -I got one!
-Wow! -[laughs]
Oh, I thought we'd never get that store closed!
Oh, finally! You're here!
-Yeah, hi, Ma. -Oh, gosh. Oh.
I gotta get back to the kitchen before Dad has a conniption.
-Merry Christmas. -[puckers]
It's good to see you, kids. [laughs]
Oh.
You must be Beth.
[chuckles] Hi.
Nice to meet you.
[chuckles] Yeah.
-[Johnny] Tony. -Yeah?
Grab these, will you?
Put 'em out on the table, all right?
All right, Carmine, you gonna do the baccala balls?
Ah! Baccala's a fish...
don't have balls.
Every year, he tells the same damn joke.
Every year, nobody laughs.
-[sizzling] -Ah, shit.
-What's the matter? -Damn smelt burned me.
Your mother hears that language,
she's gonna burn a lot more than your finger.
[Mr. Oliverio] Coming along, old man?
-You're gonna get hurt, son. -I remember.
Be good to wash out that wooden spoon.
-[chuckles] -[laughs]
Here. Why don't you put some water on for pasta?
-All right, Pop. -Old man, your ass.
-You got it. -All right, Frankie.
-Yo!
-Carmine finishes the baccala balls,
-you gotta get the shrimp in there.
-God damn it, Johnny!
We're working as fast as we can.
Well, work a little faster, will you, please?
Oh, these are gonna be some nice-looking balls.
-[door rattles] -Buon Natale, everybody!
-Ohh! -Hey!
-Merry Christmas! -Yeah!
Well, I hope you come ready to work.
Hell, no. I came to eat.
-Where's Louise? -Kids are coming by for dinner.
Give me a glass, will you?
Well, you should have brought 'em.
-Here you go. -Johnny, they got no stomach
for this damn crazy 'tali food.
Me, you already ruined.
You hear that?
How'd he ruin you, Bernard?
Well, there was a cave-in in the mine once,
and, uh, your granddaddy was stuck down there for, what,
nine hours while they were trying to dig us out.
And he was the only one that had a lunch bucket.
I got so hungry, that damn garlic started
tasting real good.
-[laughter] -That's how I got ruined.
That's a true story.
I told him it was only fair, right?
Coal mine's gonna make everybody a black man, right?
-May as well make 'em Italian, too.
-Ah, go ahead. You full of mess.
-Give me some of that. -[camera whirring]
All right, here's to you.
[big band Christmas music playing]
[no audible dialogue]
[overlapping chatter]
[clinking glass]
-Oh, everyone... -Juke's making a toast.
I just would like to make a toast,
uh, to the chefs who labored long and hard
and capped their efforts with a 45-minute sprint
through heat, garlic, and obscenities.
Thank you. We salute you.
-Salute! -Salute!
-Gitano! -I like that.
-[glasses clinking] -Hear! Hear!
-And you didn't want me to come tonight.
-That's not true.
Mm-hmm.
I'm gonna get another beer. Do you want something?
Uh, I'm sticking to vinos.
"Vino." Wow.
-Okay. -[laughs]
-You've gotta try some of this. -Hmm?
I-Is this chicken?
Are we allowed to have meat tonight?
Chicken? Nah, that's eel.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Bathroom's that way.
Whoa! [laughs]
-Are you all right? -[spits]
Eel?
[groans] I'm full.
It was delicious, wasn't it?
-Yeah. -Ma, what do you think?
Food was pretty good, huh?
Mom, be honest.
It's okay.
The baccala was salty.
I don't think you changed the water enough.
-You never change the water enough!
-Ma, I changed it for three days.
-Ma, I told him yesterday the--
-For a week, I was soaked in water.
He doesn't change the water enough!
-That's what I just said. -Yes!
Get out. Let me out of here.
-I thought it was good, Pop. -[laughing]
[Nonnie] Come back here!
-What, you like this stuff? -Yeah.
Sinatra, Dino, I grew up with all this stuff.
-Finally, some normal people. -Oh, here we go.
What are you listening to, huh? You like good music?
-Mm-hmm. -You like polka music?
-Polka music? -It's like Christmas carols,
but they're not about Christmas.
Need to play some polka music for you.
¶ 1, 2, 3, Popolski! ¶
[humming along] Scram, shorty.
[singers whooping]
[Beth] Oh, my!
Does-- Does old Johnny have
a roll of hard salami in his pants,
-or is he just really enjoying this polka?
-Is that image really necessary?
-I had to do it. I had to do it. -Come on.
[Angelo] Can a guy get some food around here?
-[overlapping chatter] -Merry Christmas!
-May I? -[humming along]
Yes, ma'am, you may.
[Sarah] Merry Christmas!
-Oh, God. -Merry Christmas! Mwah!
-Was he bothering you? -No.
-Was that weird? Really sorry about that.
-No, no. It's fine. It was fun, I promise.
You don't have to do that again.
If he comes up to you about polka,
-just say no every time. -Oh, merry Christmas! Mwah!
-Get your grubby paws off me. -Hi, Sarah.
-Merry Christmas! -Merry Christmas.
Beth, you decided to make it.
And I just danced my first polka.
Oh, the polka. Be careful.
Someone might think you condone that type of tasteless behavior.
What kind of birth control did you use last night?
Ouch!
-[Christmas music playing inside]
-[urinating]
[train horn blowing]
[zips zipper]
Katie.
You need three of a kind and four of a kind, rummy.
So then I was drafted by
the Philadelphia Eagles to play football,
-but I ended up never going. -Why?
Little thing called World War II.
Marian, you got the sausage ready in there?
They're in the roaster, John.
Wait. Sausage?
Oh, after midnight, it's okay to eat meat again.
Mama, want me to take you to church?
No.
Her.
Me? You want-- You want me to take you to church?
Don't do it, Beth. It's a trap.
Nonnie, she really doesn't have to.
No, no. Tony, it's-- it's fine.
I'd like to.
-[vomits] -[splashing]
[coughs]
-[bell pealing] -[train horn blowing]
[piano music playing]
[bell pealing]
[woman speaking Italian]
It's okay. They no throw you out.
¶ Ave Maria ¶
¶ Gratia plena ¶
¶ Maria gratia plena ¶
¶ Ave ave dominus ¶
¶ Dominus tectum ¶
¶ Benedicta tu in mulieribus ¶
[fading] ¶ Et benedictus ¶
[instrumental playing]
[Nonnie] I love my Tony so much.
He named after my husband.
He look like my husband.
He's a nice boy.
I think he's a very nice boy.
He's going to like you because you no Catholic.
Is that what a puttan...
-Ah! -[both laughing]
A puttana. [laughs]
No, it's a whore.
-Oh. Oh. -[groans]
You no puttana.
Oh. That's a relief.
But, uh, you come from a family that is, uh...
different from us, maybe, more money.
A man can marry down to a woman who has nothing,
and it can work.
But a girl who has something, no, it's...
for sure, it's no good.
Maybe for some girls,
but not for me.
You think?
I think any girl would be lucky to have Tony.
Including me.
[chuckles] You right about that.
[chuckles]
You sure you no smoke?
-No. No, ma'am. No, I hate cigarettes.
-That's okay.
Okay. I let you see my Tony. Okay.
But you hurt him...
I put the malocchio on you.
-The what? -It's evil eye.
It's very bad for you.
How was church?
It was, um...
Actually, it was very moving.
You know, I'm glad I went.
-Really? -Yeah.
Good. Well, I was gonna stay out for a bit and get some air.
You too cold to hang out?
No. No, not at all.
So, um, what do you think?
About the Feast and all?
I mean, besides the obvious
psychological problems of my family.
It's been about the best Christmas I think I've ever had.
[car door closes]
That's just great!
Because I went skiing, you do this?
Who's this?
I'm her boyfriend. Or didn't she tell you?
Tony, Tony, it's not what you th--
-You have a boyfriend. -No.
Jesus Christ, Beth.
Yeah, she's got a boyfriend.
Okay, all the romance of Christmas,
it's all just make-believe.
You made me look like a fool. Now get in the car.
Get in the car!
Don't talk to her like that.
Or what? Huh?
-Okay, stop. -What are you gonna do?
Stop! Stop! Stop. I'll get in the car.
I-- I'm sorry.
You're lucky.
Just come on, Prentice.
Disgusting. Down here like some sort of slut.
What did you call her?
-Tony-- -Oh, yeah?
-Come on, guinea. -Tony! Tony, don't!
-I'll kick your ass so bad-- -Tony!
Stop it! Stop it right now, or I'll call the police!
Oh, my God. What--
Mom, what are you even doing here?
Get in the car now.
Did you call him?!
We're going home, Beth.
Just-- Prentice, just get in the car.
-Beth. -[car door closes]
Beth, you don't have to go, right?
Tony, they're my family.
Well, can't you just tell 'em what you want?
Are you really, of all people, gonna ask me that?
Stop. Stop. Just stop. Stop.
Merry Christmas, Tony.
[car door closes]
[engine starts]
[winces]
All right, all right. Eh, sit down.
Don't you make anything out of this.
Tony sure threw him a beating, huh?
-Hey, Carmine. -What?
Shh!
Attaboy.
Yeah, never knew you could fight like that.
Actually didn't look like a girl out there.
Too bad that guy snaked you with Beth, though.
I've had about enough of you, Vincent Salvatore.
Go scrub the sausage roaster.
Okay.
I don't even know why you're so upset at this.
She's a snob. Screw her.
I wish it were that easy.
Anyway, it's probably for the best.
There we go.
Do you know what I keep thinking about?
What's that?
Last night, when she was asleep...
her breathing...
was like the most beautiful thing I ever heard.
Hey, Angelo, I gotta get going.
Yeah, all right.
Tony, if I knew she was gonna get back together with Prentice,
I would have never brought her to meet you.
Honestly, not meeting her would have been worse.
You know why girls fall for Tony?
'Cause he's not afraid to tell 'em how he feels.
Like, the way he talks, the way he says things...
if you ever talked to me like that, Angelo...
you only knew how it would make me feel.
[chuckles]
Sarah, I'm not that kind of guy...
could say those things.
I-It doesn't mean that I don't feel 'em, though.
You know, I-- I feel things.
I'm just not gonna tell you.
I'd feel embarrassed, like you'd think
I was stupid or something, you know?
Seriously.
Like if I told you last night, you know, afterwards,
when we were laying there, like, it was great
just to listen to you breathe.
It was the most beautiful sound I ever heard in my life.
[Frankie] Fish wasn't bad.
You changed the water enough.
-[Carmine] Here we go. -[Nonnie chuckles]
-[conversation continues softly] -[mutters]
Ohh.
You don't worry about this girl. I--
I put the malocchio on her.
[chuckles]
That car probably gonna crash tonight.
[chuckles]
Cut off her head.
Oh, gee, thanks, Non.
When I come to this, uh, country,
I have an uncle, he is here.
And, one day, he take me out to the yard,
and he show me three men.
He say, "Pick one."
[laughs]
I don't even know their name.
So I, uh, pick my husband.
And, when he die...
I want to die.
I love him so much.
Even though we no have big wedding,
big celebration, like on, uh...
Guiding Light.
She's a nice girl.
But there are other nice girls.
Nice Italian girls.
[laughs]
Thanks, Non.
[kiss]
[door opens, closes]
Boy, times have changed.
When we were kids, all she did was yell
and beat our ass with a wooden spoon.
Yeah, well, maybe you deserved it.
-Definitely deserved it. -Definitely.
[Johnny] I'll beat your ass tonight with it.
I-- I think I'm gonna call it a night.
-Where you going? -I gotta go home.
-We're just warming up. -Ah, I know.
Take me with you.
Hey, uh, do you mind if I take
a little bit of the fish with me?
-Sure. Take the baccala. -Okay.
-All right. -Plenty of baccala left.
Best damn baccala you'll ever have in your life.
Right? Wasn't it?
This was a winning seat, wasn't it?
What?
[sighs]
Are you okay, man?
To tell you the truth, I feel like I'm gonna throw up.
[ballad playing]
Merry Christmas.
[sighs]
[TV playing in Italian]
[knock on door]
-Merry Christmas. -Merry Christmas.
I was afraid you were mad at me.
You're the guy who holds
a girl's hair back when she's puking.
How could anyone be mad at you?
You gonna give me a hard time for going over there?
I think you needed to go over there...
make it real so you could move on.
You should write a frickin' book.
You're a good friend, Juke, to Tony and me.
Thank you.
You wanna come in and heat some of this up?
-Yeah. -Come on in. It's cold.
Beth.
The worst part of being a parent
is seeing things come at your children
that you know can hurt them
and being unable to prevent a catastrophe.
Catastrophe?
The only catastrophe tonight was the one that you created.
[sighs]
I would do anything to protect you.
I know.
Prentice is still awake downstairs.
And it is Christmas.
[fire crackling]
I was an idiot...
to go skiing instead of spending Christmas with you.
And I'm sorry...
for losing my temper and for saying those things.
I am so jealous.
I just need to learn to control my temper.
If I'd have been in control...
he wouldn't have even landed a punch.
Well, it's time to grow up, I guess.
I'm not gonna lose you.
It's time to start planning our future.
[ballad playing]
[Carmine] I'll see youse tomorrow.
[music continues]
[no audible dialogue]
[laughs]
[music continues]
[birds chirping]
-[TV playing] -[sighs]
Hey, I didn't know you slept here.
-Yeah. -Can I get you some coffee?
Um, sure, Pap. Thanks.
There you go.
[knock on door]
Oh, who the heck is that this early in the morning?
Hi.
Merry Christmas, sweetheart.
We missed you last night.
Merry Christmas.
Your mom says you stayed over here.
Katie, you shouldn't have.
Really. I mean, I didn't get you anything.
-Stop right there. I just... -[bells pealing]
I just came over here to say merry Christmas
and-- and that I'm sorry for everything.
Go on. Open it. [chuckles]
Wow.
Yeah, wow.
No one has been a better friend to me than you.
And when you come round,
and you try to get me to fall into bed with you,
well, yeah, I want to, but...
I love you too much...
not to love you enough.
[chuckles]
Jeez, Tony. You know,
you wonder why I can't get over you
when you say stuff like that.
I can't be your friend.
Not right now, anyway.
I wanna be worth it.
And I know I gotta change some stuff,
but, for what it's worth, I think, um...
I think you need to change some stuff, too.
Merry Christmas.
[coffee maker percolating]
You know, uh...
I've been thinking about something, Pap.
Yeah, what's that?
Well, I'd like to leave school,
the-- the business program.
Really?
Do what? Come work at the store?
-No. [clears throat]
Um...
I want to go to art school.
There's a really good one in Pittsburgh.
But at least I wanna try, anyways.
You gonna say something?
Sit down.
[clears throat]
Let me tell you something.
When my father came to this country,
he worked like a goddamn slave in them mines.
The mines killed him.
Just so his family could do a little bit better
than they did back in the old country.
And, thanks to him...
I was able to get out...
and start the store.
Because of that,
your dad never had to work in the mines.
You think we're just done here, that's it?
We went through all the shit
we went through just to stand still?
You wanna go to art school?
Do you?
Then, you go to art school.
Dad would never go for it.
Have you ever even asked him? Hmm?
Give the man a little credit.
Now do me a favor. Take out the garbage, will you?
Your brother was supposed to take it out, and he didn't,
-and the whole house is stinking.
-All right.
Shit.
How are you people at breakfast?
You mean how do they act, or how's the food?
Both.
Well, um, Christmas,
Easter, funerals, bar mitzvahs, it doesn't really matter.
They're always the same.
-The food's pretty great, though.
-[chuckles]
About Prentice, I'm so--
Buon Natale, Antonio.
[laughs]
Buon Natale.
[music playing]
[no audible dialogue]
[Christmas music playing]