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Thorny.
You call this a report card?
What kind of marks is these?
How you gonna go to college with marks like these?
I don't want to go to college.
I want to work in the shop with you.
You want to work in the shop with me, huh?
Listen to me.
I said it once, and I'll say it again...
I don't care how rich or successful a man is...
if he don't got an education, he's got nothing.
- I tried, Pop. I can't do it. - Then try harder!
You can do anything in life you want to do.
Remember... you're a Meloni.
Hi there. Are you a large person?
Pleasantly plump? A little on the hefty side, perhaps?
Well, let's face it. Are you fat?
When you go jogging, do you leave potholes?
When you make love, do you have to give directions?
At the zoo, do elephants throw you peanuts?
Do you look at a menu and say, "OK"?
Well, now you can eat all you want...
because at Thornton Melon's Tall and Fat stores...
we've got you covered.
That's right... fine woolen and woolen blend suits...
and sport coats in all the larger sizes...
husky, stout, extra-stout and the new Hindenburg line.
And for you ladies, we have caftans, muumuus...
and our own exclusive A-frame in all colors and patterns.
Yes, we have miles and miles of fabric.
So take it from me, Thornton Melon...
if you want to look thin, you hang out with fat people.
Thornton Melon's Tall and Fat... 150 locations across America.
Lou, did you see the new spot?
Yeah, I seen it.
Do I look fat in it?
You could lose a couple of pounds.
I gotta get bigger actors.
Pocahontas, how are you? Ophelia, hold some of my calls.
Yes, sir, Mr. Melon.
Good morning, everyone.
Morning.
Take it easy, will ya?
And don't get any on the walls.
OK, folks. What's up?
Mr. Melon, we have a serious offer...
on your commercial property in south Florida...
and we feel you should sell.
No. Hold it for one more year, take the depreciation...
then transfer title to the California Corporation.
Show it as a capital gain. We should do great.
What else?
The toy division has come up with a new doll idea...
to go along with our children's clothing line.
We call them Melon Patch Kids.
Now, the competition exploits the notion...
that their dolls are orphans.
The Melon Patch Kids are not orphans.
They're abandoned.
We think it's a winner.
OK, go with it.
But keep the unit cost under five bucks.
Last year, we took a bath on those Chubby Tubby Tub toys.
- Jason's on the phone. - Jason.
OK, everybody, take a break.
Excuse me, Mr. Melon, but we have a very long agenda.
- Later. My son's on the phone. - But, Mr. Melon!
Beat it, punk.
Jason, how are you?
How you doin'? How's the diving going?
Oh, it's great. We just finished up practice.
Oh, keep it up, keep it up! And the fraternity...
I'll bet you're having fun in the fraternity, huh?
What do you think? Yeah, it's great.
Oh, that's great.
You're not doing too much, are you? You studying?
Well, right now, we're between semesters...
so classes don't start up again for another week.
No classes? Then come home.
Tonight, your mother and I are having a big party.
It's our fifth anniversary.
Whoa, Dad. She's not my mother, she's your wife...
and I don't get the feeling she wants me around.
OK, let's not start that again.
I'll tell you what. I'll come up there to see you.
No. Bad. Bad idea.
I got this big dive meet coming up.
I gotta practice. I wouldn't have any time to see you.
- It's a rotten time. - OK. I understand.
Look, Dad, I promise...
I'll come down for a visit next break I get, OK?
All right? Look, I gotta go, OK?
OK, Jason.
Take care of yourself. I love you.
Yeah, I love you, too. All right. Bye-bye.
Melon, I told you to clean my locker.
If it's too much for you...
we'll get ourselves a new towel boy.
Right. Look, I'm sorry, Chas. I'll get on it as soon as I can.
Home sweet home.
- I liked the old house better. - So did I.
I liked the old wife better, too.
Lay off Vanessa. She gives great headache.
Lou, I can't believe it. Married five years.
Seems like yesterday.
And you know what a lousy day yesterday was.
Please don't throw your clothes on the Breuer chair.
How come all our furniture has names?
I have absolutely nothing to wear.
You got six closets full of nothing to wear.
Are you saying I spend too much money?
You, spend too much money? No.
Lots of people go to Switzerland to get their watch fixed.
You have no taste, Thornton.
You're right. I married you, didn't I?
I don't have time to argue.
Our friends will be here any minute.
You mean your friends.
They are my friends, and I'd like to keep them.
So please, just behave yourself tonight.
Don't worry. If the roast beef is right, they'll be back.
Jennifer, you look divine.
And, Peter, I thought you were still in Portofino.
Why haven't you called?
- She's a lovely gal. - Oh, yes, she is.
Oh, Ramon, you look fantastic.
I thought you were still in Tijuana.
- Excuse me, señor? - Nothing. It's all right.
- Gimme a beer. - I'm sorry, señor.
All we have is martinis and champagne.
My own house, I can't get a beer.
Mrs. Melon gave us strict orders... no cerveza.
It's all right. I'll get it myself.
Hey! Adam and evil.
Mr. Melon.
We was just...
Iooking for some cocktail napkins.
Where? Under her dress?
You're impossible.
And you're easy.
I love Klimt, don't you?
Mr. Melon, your wife was just showing us her Klimt.
You too, huh? She's showin' it to everybody.
- She's very proud of it. - I'm proud of mine, too.
I don't wave it around at parties.
- It's an exceptional painting. - Oh, the painting.
Yeah. Drink up, enjoy yourself, huh?
I hate small food, you know?
Hey, buddy, come here, will you?
Put your hand right over there, will you?
I learned this in Europe.
Look out, coming through. Hot stuff. Look out.
I'd like you to meet Mr. And Mrs. Stuyvesant.
Right, right.
- How do you do? - Thornton!
How you doin'?
Hi there, sir. How are you?
Never mind. I got my own here. It's all right.
Millicent, you look charming. I love your dress.
Don't you, Thornton?
It's such a lovely shade of green.
Yeah. If that dress had pockets, you'd look like a pool table.
You should try my Tall and Fat stores.
No offense.
May I speak to you privately, please?
Watch my sandwich, will you?
I can't take any more of this!
You've insulted our friends, you've insulted me...
and you've gone out of your way to ruin this party.
Party? Are you kiddin'? It's a dog show out there.
Your friends, they come here for free food, free booze...
and to suck up to you for donations.
You have no class, Thornton, and I am tired of it.
I want a divorce.
Divorce. I knew we had something in common.
Here, sign these.
I'm afraid it's not gonna be that easy, honey.
This is gonna cost you... plenty!
Oh, yeah?
Let's talk about class a minute, all right?
Here's you and Giorgio in the guest room.
Classy, isn't it?
Here's you and Giorgio in the rumpus room.
Another classy one, huh?
This one I can't figure out. There's you, there's Giorgio...
what's with the midget over here?
Hey, wait! I got more!
What happened in there?
What happened?
I got rid of Vanessa. I feel like I just got paroled.
I'll tell you what bothers me...
I let her come between me and Jason.
Lou, pack our bags.
We're going up to that college to see my son!
Boy, will Jason be surprised.
Look, there's Greek letters. That must be the house.
Is that an "amigo" or a unicorn?
Beats me. Don't you know any Greek?
The only Greek I know owns a coffee shop on State Street.
Jimmy Pitsos, remember him? He had an ugly wife...
four ugly kids, and good coffee.
Wait here, I'll try this one.
Hello, hello!
Anybody here?
Jason, where are you?
Hey, I need some help here!
Buddy, I'm talking to you. I need some help here!
Take it easy, honey! I didn't see a thing.
You're perfect.
You jerk!
Perfectly understandable, Mr. Melon.
It was an honest mistake. Let's just call it a bad day.
Yeah, but a great view. You're all right, officer.
Here, a little something for the kids.
- Take that, it's OK. - I don't have any kids.
No kids? Well, here, get yourself some kids.
Take it all, all right? And just remember...
the best thing about kids is making 'em.
Even if I do manage to graduate... ha ha...
what do I do then? There's the private sector...
but look how bad the job market is.
There's Valerie Desmond.
See you guys.
Look how tight her ass is today.
Oh, man. You think there's any way...
she would ever go out with me?
- No. - Oh, thanks.
It's this whole stupid capitalist system, you know?
It's set up to heap rewards...
on the advantaged and the aggressive...
and to make sure that two regular schmoes...
like you and me never get a date with girls like Valerie Desmond.
I hate the whole bourgeois mentality of this school.
Let me ask you something else, man.
Do you make this bullshit up as you go along...
- or do you actually read this? - I read this. It's Karl Marx.
Famous book. "Proletarian Chicks in Bondage."
It's a Condom House book. Comes with a leather hood.
Is that the one with the pictures?
- Can I borrow that? - Let's move on.
Well, no, it's, you know...
Oh, yeah. Well, you know.
Dad, what are you doin' here?
I'm robbin' your room, that's what I'm doin' here.
We drive 300 miles to see the kid...
that's the greeting we get. Come here, will ya?
How ya doin' there?
I'm sorry. I'm really glad to see you...
but I wish I knew you were coming.
I'll bet you did, huh?
I looked for you at that fraternity house.
- They said you weren't a member. - I can explain that.
They also told me you're not on the diving team.
They said you were the towel boy.
- I can explain that, too. - OK, explain it.
- I lied. - Great. That explains it, huh?
Jason, you don't lie to me. You lie to girls.
Who's this?
Oh, I'm sorry. This is my roommate.
That's Derek Lutz.
This is the dad, and that's Lou.
- Is that your real hair? - What do you think?
I think you're trying to get back at your parents.
Show me the campus. I want to talk to you.
Oh, good.
Boy, what a great-lookin' place.
When I used to dream about going to college...
this is the way I always pictured it.
Wait a minute. When did you dream about going to college?
When I used to fall asleep in high school.
Dad, I know how much all this means to you...
- and I'm sorry I lied to you. - You don't have to lie to me.
No matter what you do, I'll love you just the same.
Will you love me no matter what?
No matter what.
- I'm droppin' out. - You're droppin' out?
You just got here. You just started.
I know, but I'm not making it here.
I don't fit in, you know? I got one friend... Derek.
He's got no friends.
The girls don't like me, the fraternities don't want me.
The diving coach won't even talk to me.
Look at it this way...
at least you're getting an education.
Dad, last semester I got nothing but "Cs."
A, B, C... you're in the top three.
What are you worrying about?
I just think I'd be a lot better off...
gettin' a job or something.
You never went to college. Look how great you're doin'.
Jason, I said it before and I'll say it again.
I don't care how rich and successful a man is.
Without an education, he's nothing.
I mean, stay in school. Study harder.
You can be whatever you want to be.
You want to be a loser, be a loser.
You want to be a winner, be a winner.
Jason, it's up to you. You can do it.
Remember, you're a Melon!
Dad, that's easy for you to say. You don't have to do any of it.
OK, then. I'll do it with you.
What do you mean, you'll do it with me?
I mean just what I said.
I'm going to college. What do you think?
What do I think? I think you're nuts.
Nuts, huh? Who made the rules? Come here. I'm going to college!
I'm going to college!
Let me get this straight, Mr. Melon.
You wish to enter this widely esteemed...
Grand Lakes University of ours as a freshman?
That's right, Dean Martin.
- Are you comfortable? - I'm fine, yeah.
Oh, the chair. I'm sorry.
This is an awkward moment for me, Mr. Melon...
since I realize you're a highly respected member...
of our business community.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
Our student body here is handpicked by me...
from the crème de la crème...
of students all across this great land of ours.
That's one of the things I like about this place.
Yes. The point is, though...
since you have no high school diploma...
and no transcripts of any kind, no S.A.T. Scores...
and you're 30 to 40 years older than our average freshman...
how can this university ever see its way clear...
to accept you as a student?
As Calvin Coolidge once said...
"The business of America is business"...
and the business of an educational institution...
such as ours is to create young minds...
that understand that the business of America...
is the kind of business that it actually is.
So, whatever it is that I have said here today...
the point is that we are here to honor...
our most generous benefactor...
and newest freshman...
the man who's made it possible...
for us to break ground here today...
Mr. Thornton Melon.
Dean Martin, great speech.
There's nothing like good, clean business, huh?
And a little monkey business.
Oh, Philip. I'm so glad you could make it.
Mr. Melon, I'd like for you to meet Dr. Philip Barbay...
who's the dean of our school of business.
David, I just want to get it on record...
that I am totally against this.
I don't think that selling admission...
to an obviously unqualified student...
is very ethical or honorable.
Right, Phil, but I'd just like to say...
in all fairness to Mr. Melon here...
it was a really big check.
It's a simple matter of this man's presence...
undermining the efforts of our legitimate students...
who are here as a result of hard work.
Hard work?
Listen, Sherlock, while you were tucked away up here...
working on your ethics, I was out there...
busting my hump in the real world.
And the reason guys like you got a place to teach...
is 'cause guys like me donate buildings.
I wasn't speaking to you, Mr. Melon.
I don't think Dr. Barbay understands...
the actual amounts that are involved here.
Mr. Melon, will you take the ceremonial shovel?
Thank you.
And dig into the symbolic dirt.
I hereby dedicate this building to... myself.
Now, Dad, it's just like we talked about.
You sign up for whatever interests you, OK?
We're gonna get on the astronomy line...
before it closes up. See you later.
Look at this. This is worse than the track.
You want me to move some people for you?
No, don't push anybody around.
This is college. Let me think for a minute.
What are you gonna do?
Come on. I got an idea.
Did you get everything you want?
I got the Latin and the Sanskrit...
but then they canceled my Ancient Greek.
Just blew my whole dead languages motif.
What are you looking at?
You OK?
Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm just upset because they closed botany.
Those bastards!
Well, I'm not that upset.
At least, I won't be if I get into astronomy.
You want to cut into line with us?
'Cause we're already waiting.
Yes. Yeah, I would.
Great. All right.
Oh, this is Derek.
Hi.
I'm Valerie Desmond.
Yeah, I know.
- I'm Jason Melon. - Hi.
- Hey, Valerie. - Hi.
God, you look great.
Thanks. Are you taking astronomy, too?
Yeah, I guess so.
I don't really want to. I'm a business major.
But for some reason, they want us to take a science.
You mind if I sneak in the line with you?
Actually, these guys were nice enough to let me in...
so it's really up to them, I guess.
Melon, buddy?
Whaddaya say? Let me in, OK?
I don't think so, Osbourne.
Melon, your friend... straighten him out.
Look, Chas, there's a lot of people waiting.
It wouldn't really be fair.
I'll tell you what.
Maybe if you got a note from each of these people...
saying that it was all right, then we'd reconsider...
but until that day, take a hike...
you elitist fraternity scumbag.
I won't forget this, Melon.
I'll see you at the pool.
- Bye, Val. - Bye.
Thank you. I'm dead.
You're not gonna believe this!
- You're kidding! - I'm not kidding! Just go!
He's out there!
Bruce! Bruce! Bruce! Bruce!
Where is he?
I don't know, kid.
All I know is I'm supposed to pick him up here.
- When? - Now.
Come on, let's register.
Hey, you guys get everything you need?
Oh, yeah, we got it.
Good. What's with the used books?
- What's wrong with used books? - They've already been read.
And they've already been underlined.
That's the problem.
The guy who underlined them could have been a maniac.
Get these guys some new books.
Charge it to me, too. Here, pick a card.
And I'm taking four of those school sweaters...
a bunch of pennants, some of those beer mugs...
a few of these fuzz balls you cheer with, and...
Hey, folks, it's on me! Shakespeare for everyone, OK?
You, too, honey. I'd like to tame your shrew.
- Who is that? - That is Mr. Thornton Melon...
the world's oldest living freshman...
and the walking epitome of the decline of modern education.
The stupid clod thinks he can buy his way out of the gutter.
I don't think so. He was just having fun.
Oh, really? Well, I can't wait to get him in my class.
We'll see how much fun he is then.
Oh, Philip.
Hey, Mr. M! You're all set. We've been working all night.
We got it all done.
Thanks, Buzzy. I appreciate it.
Add a few hundred to the bill and throw your boys a party.
You know what you got, Mr. M? You got class.
It rubbed off from you, Buzzy. Say hello to Sonia for me, huh?
You got it.
I want to talk to you about my schedule.
We'll go over it later.
Well, boys, what do you think?
Got a hot tub in there!
How can you study if you're not relaxed?
When's our first class?
We got economics tomorrow at 11:00.
11:00? No good.
I got a massage at 11:00. Tell them to make it 2:00.
No, Dad, you don't get it.
They're not gonna reschedule the classes around your massage.
All right, 11:00. But I'm gonna talk to that dean.
These classes can be a real inconvenience.
All right, settle down, people.
We've got a lot to cover, and time is short.
There are two kinds of people in business today...
the quick and the dead.
So, rather than waste your time this semester...
with a lot of useless theories...
we're going to jump right in with both feet...
and create a fictional company from the ground up.
We'll construct our physical plant...
we'll set up an efficient administrative...
and executive structure...
then we'll manufacture our product and market it.
I think you'll find it very interesting and a lot of fun.
So, let's start by looking at construction costs...
of our new factory.
What's the product?
That is immaterial...
for the purposes of our discussion here...
but if it makes you happy...
let's say we're making tape recorders.
Tape recorders? Are you kiddin'?
The Japs will kill us on the labor costs.
OK, fine.
Then let's just say they're widgets.
What's a widget?
It's a fictional product. It doesn't matter.
Doesn't matter. Tell that to the bank.
Take it easy. It's the first day.
On the board, you will see a cost analysis...
for construction of a 30,000 square-foot facility...
which will encompass both factory and office space...
and is fully serviced by all utilities...
a railroad spur line and a four-bay shipping dock.
Hold it, hold it. Why build? You're better off leasing...
at a buck and a quarter, a buck and a half a square foot.
Take your down payment and put it into CDs...
or something else you can roll over every couple of months.
Thank you, Mr. Melon...
but we'll be concentrating on finance...
a little later in the term.
For the time being, let's just concentrate...
on the construction figures, shall we?
You'll see the final bottom line requires the factoring in...
of not just the material and construction costs...
but also the architects' fees and the cost of land servicing.
Oh, you left out a bunch of stuff.
Oh, really?
Like what, for instance?
First of all, you have to grease the local politicians...
for the sudden zoning problems that always come up.
Then there's the kickbacks to the carpenters.
And if you plan on using any cement in this building...
I'm sure the teamsters would like to have...
a little chat with you, and that'll cost you.
Don't forget a little something for the building inspectors.
There's the long-term costs, such as waste disposal.
I don't know if you're familiar with who runs that business...
but I assure you it's not the boy scouts.
That will be quite enough, Mr. Melon.
Maybe bribes and kickbacks...
and Mafia payoffs are how you do business...
but they are not part of the legitimate business world...
and they're certainly not part of anything...
I'm teaching in this class. Do I make myself clear?
Sorry. Just trying to help. That's all.
Now, notwithstanding Mr. Melon's input...
the next question for us is where to build our factory.
How about Fantasyland?
My first class. I did good, huh?
You better cool it with Dr. Barbay.
Dr. Barbay, he don't know dick.
He really tells it like it ain't.
Know what he knows how to do? Flunk you.
Flunk me? Flunk him.
Great attitude. Do you know where your next class is?
Contemporary American history. Professor Turgeson.
- Turgeson? - You know him? Is he good?
Well, he's really committed.
In fact, I think he was. Just keep your head down...
and your mouth shut. You should be all right.
- I'll see you in English. - All right.
Welcome to Contemporary American history.
I'm Professor Turgeson.
I know a lot of people think history is just facts...
just information about the past, but not me.
I hold history very sacred. Sacred.
The way a farmer looks at the Earth and holds it sacred.
The way a Christian takes the Bible...
and he holds it sacred.
The way a lot of people hold their marriage sacred.
That's how I feel about it. So why don't we dive right in...
by interpreting one of the easiest events...
in the last twenty years of American history.
Now, can someone tell me...
why, in 1975, we pulled our troops out of Vietnam?
The failure of Vietnamization to win popular support...
caused an ongoing erosion of confidence...
in the various American... but illegal... Saigon regimes.
Is she right?
'Cause I know that's the popular version...
of what went on there.
I know a lot of people like to believe that.
I wish I could, but I was there.
I wasn't here in a classroom...
hoping I was right, thinking about it.
I was up to my knees in rice paddies...
with guns that didn't work, going up against Charlie...
slugging it out with him, while pussies like you...
were back here partyin', puttin' headbands on...
doin' drugs, listening to the goddamn Beatle albums!
Hey, Professor, take it easy, will ya?
These kids were in grade school at the time.
And me...
I'm not a fighter, I'm a lover.
Well, I didn't know you wanted to get involved...
with the discussion, Mr. Helper.
But since you want to help, maybe you can help me, OK?
You remember that thing we had about thirty years ago...
called the Korean conflict?
Yeah. Where we failed to achieve victory.
How come we didn't cross the 38th parallel...
and push those rice-eaters back to the Great Wall of China...
and take it apart brick by brick...
and nuke them back into the fuckin' stone age forever?
How come? Tell me? Why? Say it! Say it!
All right, I'll say it.
'Cause Truman was too much of a pussy wimp...
to let MacArthur go in and blow out those commie bastards!
Good answer. Good answer.
I like the way you think.
I'm gonna be watching you.
Good teacher. He really seems to care.
About what, I have no idea.
College is all right, I'll tell you that.
Hey, buddy, be my guest. Here's a pen.
Boys, here's a couple of pens, in case you learn how to write.
- I know you. - Oh, yeah? Here's a pen.
You do those obnoxious commercials.
You're tall and fat.
Yeah, you're short and ugly. Give me the pen back, will ya?
Honey, here's a pen.
Boys, how are ya?
"And Gibraltar is a girl...
"where I was a flower of the mountain.
"Yes, when I put the rose in my hair...
"like the Andalusian girls used.
"Or shall I wear red?
"Yes. And how he kissed me under the Moorish wall...
"and I thought...
"well, as well him as another.
"And then I ask him with my eyes to ask again.
"Yes. And then he asked me would I yes to say yes.
"My mountain flower.
"And first I put my arms around him, yes...
"and drew him down to me...
"so he could feel my breasts all perfumed, yes...
"and his heart was going like mad, and yes...
"I said, yes, I will, yes."
Yes! Yes!
Thanks for the vote of confidence.
I think Joyce is pretty hot, too.
And now that I've got your attention...
I'd like to run down the reading list...
for the semester. See what else turns you on.
What a woman.
Dad, she is the teacher.
I know. I like teachers.
If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.
Don't you think maybe you should just take some notes?
Yeah, yeah.
I gave away all my pens.
I'm sorry. I need this back.
Here's a calendar for you.
Oh, hiya.
Hello, Mr. Melon. You waiting for me?
Yes, I was. Look, I know I'm only a freshman...
but what do you say you and I have dinner tonight?
We could talk about Joyce. She's my favorite writer.
You're not the usual freshman, but I'm sorry, I can't.
The thing is, I'm sort of going with someone.
Oh. Where you going?
That's a good question.
Actually, I'd like to join you, but I have class tonight.
- How about tomorrow night? - I have class then, too.
I'll tell you what, then.
Why don't you call me when you have no class?
All right. Maybe I will.
Hello, Philip.
What did he want?
Oh, what do all men want?
He wants you to dress up as Wonder Woman...
tie him up with a golden lariat and force him to tell the truth?
No, just dinner, Philip.
Are you jealous of Thornton Melon?
Certainly not.
I've been doing a great deal of thinking lately.
I've been thinking about us.
- And? - And I think...
we should start thinking about forming a...
well, um...
A merger?
A merger, exactly. Exactly, a merger.
A partnership. Seriously, Diane...
we're both intelligent, well-educated adults.
We should be together. Incorporated, if you will.
Look at the balance sheet. We were made for one another.
Oh, Philip, you darling.
I don't want to be merged or incorporated.
I want to have fun and be romanced and be loved.
So let's not rush into anything.
Let's just start by having fun, OK?
Hey, how are you? What's happening?
Hi!
A lot of people are talking about your dad, man.
What's happening?
Hey, boys, how ya doin'?
I wonder why.
They have lockers.
You could've changed here.
I don't change in front of guys.
Next thing you know, you're showering with the fellas.
And the next thing you know...
you're pinned to a sophomore named Chip.
Come on, let's go, huh?
I'll see you later.
That was pretty good.
Next time, hold the pike a little longer.
Wait a minute. I'll be right down.
Not bad.
All right, let's see one more.
Like I showed you.
All right.
What's a guy your age doing here with these kids?
I'm lookin' for the fountain of middle age.
What's your story?
I'm setting the new record for the most consecutive losses...
by a diving coach in this conference.
Hey, remember, hold that pike longer.
- That your kid? - Yeah.
Who coached him in high school?
Yours truly.
So, where did you learn how to dive?
Atlantic City. The Steel Pier. I was in the water show.
I used to open for the diving horse.
You're kiddin'. I'm from Jersey.
I practically spent my entire life on that pier.
There was a guy, did the most amazing dive...
called the Triple Lindy.
Hardest dive I ever saw in my life.
- Who was that guy? - Yours truly.
You're kiddin'.
I don't joke about dives.
Especially that one. It almost killed me.
Boy, you were somethin' else.
Hey, can your kid do that dive?
Nah, nobody can. It's too dangerous.
You know, he tried out for the team last semester.
He didn't do that good.
Not that good, huh? Watch this.
Jason, do the two and a half!
Not bad.
My main Melon. Come on, man...
there's a pep rally for the football team.
- Let's go. We're there. - Whoa, wait. What is this?
Me and Standish and Redding are doing the anti-pep rally...
to point out that a violent ground acquisition game...
such as football is, in fact...
a crypto-fascist metaphor for nuclear war.
It sounds like a lot of laughs...
but I'm supposed to meet my dad and study.
He's supposed to be here already.
OK, well...
if you change your mind, pal, you know where I'll be.
If I change my mind, I'll seek psychiatric help.
Excuse me.
What is the Oort system and what does it tell us?
What? I'm sorry.
Astronomy, chapter two.
Oh, Oort, Oort.
Oort was this scientist, and he figured out...
that the smeared-out density of matter can be no greater...
than the solar mass per cubic parsec.
You look thrilled. It's not my theory.
Thanks, that helps a lot.
Listen, I was just wondering...
would you do my astronomy homework...
for the rest of the semester?
- Here you go. - OK, right.
Hi, Mr. Melon.
Oh, you can call me Thornton.
Say, how about joining me and my friend over there?
Your friend looks a little strange.
Who, Lou? Lou's an animal. Why, in his family...
he's only the second generation that's standing up straight.
What lovely girls.
How would you like a life of luxury and deceit?
Come on, join us in a beer. OK?
- Yeah, OK. - OK.
Girls, this is Lou. Lou, these are girls.
One, two.
Shake it up, baby
Twist and shout
Come on, come on, come on, baby
Come and work it on out
Work it on out, honey
Honey, come here. I need 2 more glasses for the girls...
and also, bring a pitcher of beer...
every seven minutes till somebody passes out.
And then bring one every ten minutes.
You got it. Anyway...
I thought we were gonna go...
to the planetarium and look at a lot of stars.
I had no idea this was gonna be astrophysics.
It's not that hard. You'll get it.
It's not hard for you, because you're smart.
You're smart, too.
Yeah, but you're, like, "smart" smart.
Do you study at the library every night?
No. I was gonna meet my dad there...
but he must be studying at the dorm.
Shake it up, baby
Twist and shout
Come on, come on, come on, baby
Come on and work it on out
You know you twist it, little girl
Lower, baby, lower.
Hey, guys, let me see some I.D.
Not that low, baby.
Come on and twist a little closer now
To the left, baby, to the left.
And let me know you're mine
That's the spot, baby.
Hold it, hold it! Oh, you are there!
Shake it, baby
Shake it, shake it, baby
Come on and shake it, shake it, shake it, baby
- Shake it now - Shake it
OK, go ahead.
Jason, what are you doing here?
What am I doing here? What are you doing here?
We were supposed to study, remember, in the library?
The library. I was supposed to be there.
Hey, what's going on?
Chas, check it out.
Hey, Clark.
Interesting little rally you guys had tonight.
Yeah, right. They got paint all over my girlfriend.
I'm gonna kill them little pinheads.
Yeah? Well, you came to the right place...
because guess who's here... Derek Lutz.
Hey, Lutz!
You know who I am?
Let me see...
protruding supra-orbital ridges...
small cranium, 1,300 C.C. Brain...
Neanderthal man.
You... I want you to call his mother.
You tell her he's never coming home.
Whoa, hold it. You sure you even got the right guy?
Look how many people got blue hair these days.
Shut up, meathead.
Take it easy, will ya?
I mean, the war's over. Get new parts for your head.
Yeah? Want to make something of it?
Oh, no. I never get physical. I just get upset...
and when I get upset, he gets physical.
You got a problem?
No, I haven't got a problem.
Now you do.
Get him!
Lou, where you been?
I'm getting my ass kicked all over the place!
- Well, you look terrible. - No, I'm all right.
It's Lou I'm worried about. He may lose his trigger finger.
It serves you guys right.
Why did you have to take on the whole football team?
They're not that tough.
The football team at my high school was tough.
After they sacked the quarterback...
they went after his family.
This morning we're going to look at "The Great Gatsby"...
by F. Scott Fitzgerald.
Mr. Melon, how would you characterize "The Great Gatsby?"
Who, him?
No, you.
Me.
Well, "The Great Gatsby," he was...
great.
See me after class, Mr. Melon.
I mean, please, try to understand.
I don't have the background for this.
The high school I went to...
they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity.
He threw the teacher out the window.
I know what I need. I need a tutor.
What do you say? Come on.
You got some spare time.
All right, Mr. Melon.
I have some spare time this evening.
Why don't you come around about 7:00?
- Great. - I'll give you my address.
- Thanks. - Please be on time.
I'll be on time.
What penmanship.
"Everywhere the ceremony of innocence is drowned;
"The best lack all conviction...
"while the worst are full of passionate intensity."
There's a lot of other stuff here.
Yeats goes on and on... and here's the finish.
"What rough beast, its hour come round at last...
"slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?"
What does that make you think of?
Rough beast. My ex-wife.
Well, that's one interpretation.
Not the right one, but it's a start.
Surely a man of your age and experience...
must have read some of the things on my list.
- What about "Macbeth"? - I saw the movie.
Orson Welles. Great actor, big actor.
He was a Tall and Fat customer for years.
How about "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof"?
I saw the movie. Burl lves.
Great actor, extra stout. He was a customer, too.
- "Streetcar Named Desire." - Great movie. Marlon Brando.
He wasn't that big then, but he ballooned up nicely.
I'd say pound for pound, our finest American actor.
Don't you ever read?
Who has time? I see the movie. I'm in and out in two hours.
Oh, Thornton, don't you see?
The reason you want to read these works...
is so you can experience them for yourself...
so you can share the thoughts and feelings of the writer...
without the interference of your actor and director...
and professor's point of view getting in the way...
to truly share and understand...
the common feelings of all mankind...
the feelings of being alive.
That was beautiful.
I understand what you're saying, too.
I'm glad. That makes me feel good.
I got an idea.
Let's keep talking over dinner.
I'm supposed to meet someone for dinner.
I could cancel, though, I guess.
We are working, after all.
You can't work on an empty stomach.
You can't concentrate when you're hungry.
Oh, I don't know. I really shouldn't.
- I have so many things to do. - Oh, come on. I'll help you.
I'll take out the garbage. I'll do the dishes.
I'll do your nails. I'll do your hair.
You have no idea what I want to do.
- I'll call him. - I'll dial it!
I'll just get the light.
I think I'm attracted to teachers.
I took out an English teacher. That didn't work out at all.
I sent her a love letter. She corrected it.
Oh, great. Company.
- Those two ought to get a room. - Really.
Actually, I was married twice.
My first wife, Jason's mother, I really loved her.
We had a good thing going, you know?
She passed away about ten years ago.
After that, I screwed around for a few years.
Then I really went nuts... I married Vanessa.
I was just lonely, I guess.
Is that over now?
We were doomed from the start.
I'm an earth sign, she's a water sign.
Together, we made mud.
I picked a beauty. And she played around, too.
When she said, "I do," I should have said, "With who?"
So, are you giving up on women?
I don't know. I can't figure women out.
Today, they're independent.
They only think about themselves.
During sex, Vanessa used to scream out her own name.
I think it's the men who are different.
Ever since the women's movement...
most of the men I meet go out of their way...
to show you how sensitive they are.
Before they were too macho, and now they're too soft.
You all want us to know you can cry.
No, with women, I never cry. Never.
I beg.
If we finish this bottle of wine...
you won't have to beg.
Diane!
Oh, Philip.
We were supposed to go to dinner.
I just had dinner!
I don't believe this.
Maybe it's a dream. Good night, Philip.
You do a good job.
What do you charge for big cars?
I had a lot of fun, Thornton.
Me, too. And thanks for the lesson.
I learned a lot.
You're welcome. I did, too.
Well...
Well, I guess this is good night.
Yeah.
A very good night.
Beautiful.
Oh, that's it.
That's the spot. Just keep doing that.
Oh, don't lose it.
Oh, Lou, you're great.
The leg is better. You got the cramp out.
You're a wreck. You gotta start working out.
And you know what else?
You have got midterms coming up.
You haven't studied five minutes since you got here.
You're always so neat.
You're just like your Uncle Vito.
We were kids, his room was always in order.
His towels lined up neatly...
combs, brushes, hair lotions all in the right place.
What did it mean? What is he today?
He's an attendant in the men's room.
Hey, he's my idol.
But I'm not gonna be folding towels anymore...
'cause I just made... ta da... the diving team.
That's great!
I'm takin' you out.
We'll celebrate. We're havin' a party!
Oh, no, Dad, that's really nice, but I'm in training now.
We got a big meet coming up against Northern.
We'll have a party after the meet.
Dad, why don't you join me on a little reality break, OK?
Just 'cause you're in love with Dr. Turner...
does not mean you're gonna pass her course.
You got a major paper coming up on Kurt Vonnegut.
You haven't even read any of the books.
I tried.
I don't understand a word of it.
So, how you gonna write the paper, then?
Hi, I'm Kurt Vonnegut. I'm looking for Thornton Melon.
Want to come in? Dad?
I don't want to hear one more word out of you...
or it's back to the tree.
Come in.
Excuse me. Dr. Barazini?
I'm Thornton Melon.
Oh, yes, Thornton Melon. I know you.
You delivered the paper on isomagnetic brain waves...
in Montreal last year.
No, I sold you your pants.
Oh, of course. Good to see you.
What are you doing here?
I'm supposed to report here for my lab project.
Oh, good. I'm trying to teach these here apes...
how to read and write.
You ought to teach them how to go to the bathroom.
You'll get used to that.
Now, all you have to do is put a new tape...
in the tape machine every hour and observe the animals.
I'll be back in a few hours to check on you.
- OK, fine. - All righty.
You don't need this. I'll find you an organ grinder.
Hiya, Marge? A few things.
I need you and the gang to get down here as fast as you can.
And I have to talk to Peterson, the accountant.
I'm gonna need him, too.
Oh, thanks. And, Marge, I need...
See if you can get somebody at the Rand Corporation...
or the Brookings Institute to come down here for about a week.
What?
And Russell hits him with a powerful front body slam!
No problem.
They're takin' a break, that's all.
In 1971, the United States accumulated deficits...
greater than the supply of gold the country held.
In that year, Richard Nixon...
took the United States off the gold standard.
In doing so, he disrupted...
the entire international monetary system.
What is that clicking noise?
Are you a student in this class?
No.
Who are you?
I'm Marge Sweetwater...
Mr. Thornton Melon's private secretary.
What are you doing here?
I'm taking notes for Mr. Melon.
He told you to write down everything I say?
Yes, he did.
Good.
Take this down.
Mr. Melon, no matter what you do...
no matter what stunts you pull...
no matter how hard you try...
you will never, ever pass this course.
Make sure he gets that.
Yes, sir.
I'll tell you what.
It's for Barbay. Make it an "A."
Where's the lab report on psychology?
Here.
It's too light. It feels like a "C."
Bulk it up and add a few multicolored graphs.
- Yo, Dad. - Jason, hold it, will ya?
Listen, everybody. Let's see "As" across the board.
I'll tell you what...
a ten percent bonus for every grade over "B."
And an A+ gets you a free trip to Hawaii... off-season.
- Dad, what's going on here? - I'm doing my homework.
No, they're doing your homework.
A good executive knows how to delegate authority.
I took care of you, too.
- And what's this? - Your astronomy report.
- What's wrong with you? - What's wrong with you?
I want to write that paper. I'm gonna write that paper.
That's why I'm taking astronomy, to learn something!
You're never gonna learn a goddamn thing...
if you got people doing your work for you!
Oh, never mind.
Kids... they always do things the hard way.
Ladies and gentlemen, the visiting team...
the Northern University Wildcats!
And your Grand Lakes University Hooters!
- Hey, there's your boy! - Jason!
While the teams are warming up, we'd like to remind you...
that all proceeds from the refreshment stands...
go to your student government.
Hey, Valerie. How you doin'?
Glad you could come. Listen.
My dad is having a party tonight at the dorm...
and it should be pretty great. His parties usually are.
I'd love to come, except for I have a date.
Oh. Well, hey, bring him along.
It's OK. You just both come by.
I'll really try.
Good. I hope I'll see you there.
It sounds like fun. I wish my dad were more like yours.
Hey, Chas.
Good luck, buddy. Let's get them.
Yeah. Thanks, Melon. I'd wish you luck, too...
but I guess a guy like you doesn't need luck.
What's that supposed to mean?
With your old man behind you...
I figured since he bought your way onto the team...
he probably bought off the judges, too.
Oh, there's Thornton.
Diane!
I can't imagine what you can possibly see in that man.
Philip, would you excuse me for a minute?
Yes, yes.
- You look great. - Oh, thanks.
Where you been? I called you a hundred times.
I made four dates with your answering machine.
I'm sorry I missed you. Things have been so hectic.
I've been reading midterm papers and grading exams.
Did you read mine yet?
Not yet, but I'm looking forward to it.
I'm throwing a party in our room tonight...
and you better be there.
I'm sorry. I have a date with Philip tonight.
Bring him along. We may run out of ice.
First diver for Grand Lakes University...
Chas Osbourne.
Hey, Coach! How are ya? How you doin', huh?
Next diver for Grand Lakes... Jason Melon.
Melon.
What's going on?
This is always the best party of the year.
I don't know. Some big event at the dorms.
- We're thinkin' of going over. - To Melon's? Are you nuts?
Why don't we go?
Valerie, please. It'll be horrible.
Jason said it would be great. It might be fun.
Jason's a twerp. We could have won if it weren't for him.
Haven't you ever messed up?
No.
I'm all dressed up with nowhere to go
Hey, baby!
Walking with a dead man over my shoulder
I'm all dressed up with nowhere to go
I love three girls at once.
If I fall asleep, they have each other to talk to.
Nice look. What are you going for?
The heavy, disassociated artist thing...
or the "I'm going blind" thing?
Oh, It's the deaf thing. Maybe this will cheer you up.
Oh, do me!
Derek! Get up, will ya?
You look like the poster boy for birth control.
Jason, it's a party. What's your story?
What's the matter? The swim meet?
Forget about it. It's history.
Come on, will ya? Snap into it!
You're right, Dad. It doesn't matter, Dad!
Right, Dad? Come on, party, right?
Hey, buddy!
Everybody, make some noise, have some fun!
What's that noise?
It's a party, Philip. Midterms, remember?
They're just blowing off steam.
You there.
What's going on here?
The Melon man is throwing the greatest party of all time!
The whole world is there. It's the best thing...
that's ever happened to me in my whole life!
Oh, God.
Look at that!
Listen to that racket.
This is disgraceful. I should phone security.
Oh, Philip.
Good. Apparently I'm not the only one around here...
with a sense of decency.
Yeah. Cool!
Did you see... where are you going?
Intellectual curiosity, Philip.
Sounds fun in there. Come with me.
- Oh, please! - Oh, Philip!
It's a dead man's party
Who could ask for more
Everybody's coming
Leave your body at the door
Leave your body and soul at the door
Don't run away
It's only me
Don't run away
It's only me, only me
Don't be afraid
Of what you can't see
Say when.
Right after this drink.
Hey, what's a bath without Bubbles?
Hey, Bubbles, come over here, will ya?
Well!
- Hi there. - Hi!
- What's your favorite subject? - Poetry.
Really? Maybe you can help me straighten out my Longfellow.
Excuse me. Have you seen Thornton Melon?
I think he's in there.
Thanks.
Excuse me. Has anyone seen Thornton Melon?
That's what I call marine biology.
Diane!
Say hello to my nieces.
Wait a minute!
Jason? There you are. I was looking all over for you.
Jason, are you OK? I'm sorry about the swim meet.
Shit. Swim meet.
Jesus, you think I care about the swim meet?
I mean, it's just a stupid college game.
It's just bullshit.
Why are you acting like this?
I know you don't think like that.
Oh, you do?
Grow up, Valerie. You think this is real?
This isn't real. College is a dream world.
This is something you do to pass the time...
till you go out in the real world and start buying people.
Let's go for a walk and talk this out.
There you are.
Can we go? I'm bored.
Oh, Christ, Osbourne...
will you just get your ass outta here?
What a surprise. Another shit-faced Melon.
Do I gotta knock your teeth down your throat?
Easy. Your father isn't here to back you up this time.
Don't!
Are you OK?
Jason! I was lookin' for ya.
Hey, come here. Where ya goin'?
Where am I going?
I'm leaving school, Dad. One of us has gotta go.
You're having such a great time. I'm getting out.
Why? I don't get it.
Because you didn't win the diving meet?
No, not because I didn't win!
Because I shouldn't even have been there.
Chas told me you bribed the coach...
to put me on the team. Real good!
What? And you believed him. I never lied to you in my life.
I didn't bribe the coach.
You were on the team because you deserve it.
You made it on your own.
Dad, you don't get it.
Everything I have is because of you...
and because of you...
I get my astronomy homework done for me by NASA.
I just want the best for you. That's all I ever wanted.
I did it all for you.
I know, but you don't know when to quit.
I know you came here to help me, and I really appreciate it...
and it's really sweet, and it's really not working.
Can't you let me just do something for myself?
I just want to see you happy.
Well, take a good look!
'Cause I was a lot happier when I was miserable.
I enjoyed reading that, Susan.
It's a nice improvement. Thank you.
Diane, why'd you fail me?
I didn't, Thornton. You failed me.
- Is it because of last night? - No. I can accept the fact...
that you're completely regressed emotionally...
but you won't pass my course by turning in someone else's work.
What do you think, someone else wrote this?
All I know is that you didn't. That's what disappoints me.
Whoever did write it...
doesn't know the first thing about Kurt Vonnegut.
And another thing, Vonnegut.
I'm going to stop payment on the check.
What's that? Fuck me?
Kurt, do you read lips? Fuck you!
Next time I'll call Robert Ludlum.
Derek, have you seen Jason?
I think he's on a three-state killing spree.
Here's some more potentially bad news.
Dean Martin wants to see you in his office right away.
Dean Martin.
And she said, "Let's do it. The room's already paid for."
Oh, golly. I'm afraid we have...
a potentially unpleasant situation on our hands here.
Phil, would you repeat to Mr. Melon...
the allegations that you've made to me?
It's clear the work you've handed in is not your own.
I'm accusing you of academic fraud.
Fraud is such an ugly word...
considering the financial generosity...
that Mr. Melon has shown towards our fine university.
I think Mr. Melon should be expelled.
What are you going to do about it?
Well, Thornton...
I'm only going to ask you this one time.
Is the work that you turned in your own?
I can't lie to you, Dean Martin.
Yes, it is.
I'm satisfied.
- Phil? - I'm outraged.
Gee whiz, Phil! I just asked the man...
if the work was his, and he said yes.
What do you want me to do, torture him?
I suggest a comprehensive oral examination...
conducted by all of Mr. Melon's professors.
Oral examination?
Yes. If you've done the work you say you have...
there should be no problem, should there?
Hey, Jase.
Hey, Lou. How you doin'?
Come here. I want to tell you something.
What?
You were pretty hard on your father last night.
I know, but the guy doesn't understand.
I know your pop thirty years. He understands.
He's a nice guy, and he's tough.
Like me. I'm nice, and I'm tough.
I'll give you an idea what I mean.
My two boys... I put one through college...
and the other I put through a wall.
Your papa loves you.
He's lookin' out for ya. Look out for him.
What's goin' on?
I'm leavin'. I'm sorry, Jason.
This college thing was a big mistake.
- So you're gonna give up? - I can't win.
They want me to take oral exams in all my subjects.
If I don't take them, they'll kick me out.
And if I take 'em, who knows where they'll kick me.
Hey, Dad, you remember what you told me...
when I told you I wanted to quit?
You told me that a man without an education is nothing.
I can't do it.
You can do anything you want to do.
You can do anything you want in life.
Remember, you're a Melon.
Don't quit. I'll help you.
Before we begin...
I would just like to thank each and every professor here...
for taking time out of his/her extremely busy schedule.
And a special thanks, of course, to Mr. Thornton Melon...
who I don't have to remind anyone is the donor...
of our new Melon School of Business.
We're wasting time.
Sorry, Phil.
Now, Mr. Melon, you'll have three hours...
to complete the examination.
If you fail any part of it, you will be expelled.
Mr. Melon, do you understand?
- The Council of Trent. - Excuse me?
I missed the question.
We haven't begun yet.
Well, Dr. Barbay, I suppose you're up first.
I have only one question for Mr. Melon...
in 27 parts.
I'd like to break him in 27 parts.
Excuse me?
No, nothin', nothin'.
Discuss the foundations of modern global business systems.
Part one: Define and differentiate...
the three economic philosophies...
of capitalism, socialism and communism...
as pertains to: A... management fundamentals;
B... organizing and staffing;
C... labor management;
and D... production and operations.
Part two...
Are you getting all this, Mr. Melon?
Yeah. It's a piece o' cake.
Jason?
Valerie.
I wanted to apologize for the other night...
my behavior and the things I said.
And to thank you...
for your behavior and the things you said.
I'm really sorry.
And I'm really in love with you...
and I really have been for a very long time.
And I can't believe I'm saying this.
I don't want to embarrass you...
or make you feel uncomfortable with me...
but...
I've been needing to tell you this for a very long time.
Are you aware that that's the most...
you've ever said to me at one time?
Except, of course, for the time that you were ravingly drunk.
I love you, too.
In response to Roman numeral 27...
section three, part two...
of subset D... of the question...
the answer is...
Mr. Melon?
Hey, relax. This man's been put under a lot of pressure.
Let's take it easy on him.
Say it! Say it!
The answer is... four?
Right.
Dr. Turner?
Hold it. That's it.
I can't take it no more.
I feel like I just gave birth to an accountant.
Wait a minute, Thornton.
Thornton, do you remember when we discussed...
the Dylan Thomas poem...
"Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night"?
I don't know.
No. Maybe.
Thornton, think.
What's going on here?
Philip, relax. It's my turn.
Do you remember it?
"Do not go gentle into...
"into that good night.
"Old age should burn and rage...
"at close of day.
"Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
"Wild men who caught...
"and sang the sun in flight and learned too late...
"they grieved it on its way.
"Do not go gentle into that good night.
"Grave men near death...
"who see with blinding sight.
"Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay.
"Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
"And you, my father, there on the sad height.
"Curse, bless me now...
"with your fierce tears, I pray.
"Do not go gentle into that good night.
"Rage! Rage against the dying of the light!"
Thornton, what does that poem mean to you?
It means...
I don't take shit from no one.
I'm gonna pass this test.
I'm stayin' in school! Who's next?
Now diving for the Atlantic Eastern Eagles...
current conference champion... Doug Nelson.
You know what you almost never see?
Somebody heckling a diver.
- You're all right, kid. - Thanks, Lou.
Please refrain from making loud noises during the dives.
Next up, the Atlantic Eastern Eagles'...
Bill Steincap.
That concludes Atlantic Eastern's ten-meter dives.
Next up, the Grand Lakes Hooters.
We would like to remind you...
tickets to all Grand Lakes sporting events...
are available through the student services office.
Are you interested in Valerie Desmond?
She's with me.
Coming into your own, are you, Melon?
I wouldn't break my arm...
patting myself on the back if I were you.
Because... get this, towel boy...
no matter what you think, you will always be a crude...
obnoxious, nouveau riche little phlebe...
and you're gonna end up just like your father.
God, I hope so, 'cause I happen to love the guy.
First up for Grand Lakes University...
Chas Osbourne...
former national high school champion.
- Jason dive yet? - Not yet. Did you pass?
I don't know. They'll let me know.
Now diving for Grand Lakes University...
Jason Melon.
Attaboy, Jason! You did it!
All right!
I can't believe it. We could actually win this.
Melon's dive has put the Hooters back in this meet.
What's the matter?
You're up next, Chas.
I have got a really bad cramp.
I've been having really bad cramps all week.
- It's probably menstrual. - Screw you, Melon!
Coach Turnbull, you got another eligible diver?
Melon!
Melon! We need ya! Get your suit on!
Go ahead.
Oh, not a chance. In the shape I'm in...
you could donate my body to science fiction.
Get your suit on! We need ya!
Come on, pal. Show 'em what you got.
Melon! We need ya!
Now diving in substitution for Grand Lakes University...
Thornton Melon.
He's on my substitute roster...
but I don't have it right now.
But what I'll do is, first chance I get...
I'll bring it to you.
What dive is he gonna do?
The Triple Lindy.
Melon! Melon! Melon!
There will be an additional springboard installed...
for Melon's dive, the Triple Lindy.
- Is that hard? - It's impossible.
Melon! You did it!
That was great!
Oh, you were great! That was incredible!
I guess there's nothing you can't do.
I've got the results of your exams right here.
Do I want to hear 'em?
You passed! All "Ds" and an "A."
Who gave me the "A"?
- I did. - Oh, yeah?
I would like to introduce our speaker today.
This is the first time...
in the history of this fine institution...
that a freshman has given this address.
Mr. Thornton Melon.
Thank you very much.
Thank you, Dean Martin, President Sinclair...
and members of the graduating class.
I have only one thing to say to you today...
it's a jungle out there.
You gotta look out for number one.
But don't step in number two.
And so, to all you graduates...
as you go out into the world my advice to you is...
don't go! It's rough out there.
Move back with your parents. Let them worry about it.