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No.
Oh, yeah.
Much better than mother's old sign.
She caught him in her trap, the son of a bastard.
All the son of a bitch could muster in his defense
was a lyric from better days past.
As the gun muzzle nestled between his lips, he quivered,
saying, "no one knows what it's like to feel these feelings",
"like I do."
"And I blame..."
Oh, come here, I'm gonna tickle you.
- Mommy Wolf! - Am I Mommy Wolf?
And Izzy bear!
Hi, my love, how are ya?
You've found a Halloween mask in the middle of May?
Not bad, did you go with Mommy?
We went shopping all day, didn't we?
Come here, Daddy has to go to work, come here.
I need a hug.
You're the best hugger in the world, you know that?
Go wash your hands, okay, babe?
I love you!
Oh.
- You're a rock star. - Yeah, I know.
- Thank you. - Mm-hm.
And uh, you look kinda sexy with that mask.
You know what's not sexy?
How much my ass hurts from driving around all day
looking for that stupid thing.
I'm tired, I'm behind on a deadline...
Hey, you know how important it is for my students to know
that I support the ideas 100%, so, you saved my ass, again.
I know it won't be the last time.
So, did you get your writing done?
Yeah, I think I kinda hit a breakthrough.
I'm not too happy about the ending, though.
Don't all horror stories end the same way?
Kill the monster or the monster kills you?
What if you have to live with the monster?
- Oh well, I'll figure it out. - Okay.
Bye.
My test patient's charade of misconstrued feelings
will lead to misguided intentions.
Therefore, no matter how she dolls up now,
this will manifest one day into her actions.
The makeup she wears is merely a mask
covering up scars none of us can see.
If we don't begin to pay attention and help those types
of people before maniacal thoughts become actions,
you might never know when your worst enemy
could be sitting right next to you.
Thank you.
Kinda exhilarating, isn't it?
That feeling you get behind the mask.
That strange freedom and anonymity,
with the power to do almost anything you want.
Very beautiful imagery, Kara.
Creative.
My one criticism, if you can even call it that,
is what do we do with the people who love their masks?
Those who refuse to take 'em off, ever.
Are they worth the time, money and resources?
Okay, but the foundation built on "we, the people" has
been trampled on by the time-money resource...
Wah, wah, wah, wah, liberal alert.
Okay, but as a democratic republic, can we let our society
to devolve into a self-centered existence?
Okay, can we have some poll numbers on that?
You know what, maybe my test patient's some evil genius
plotting to kill me and chaos theory wins again, right?
Alright, anyways.
Inspiring, very creative.
But, is it A+ material?
Show me those thumbs.
Oh!
The tribe has spoken.
Salty or sweet, choose your treat.
Mm, my favorite color.
Mm, do feel free to use that lab.
Minimum 1,000 words on your most vivid memory
of when your maniacal thoughts didn't become conscious
actions and what positive effect you believe it had
in your young lives.
Make good choices this week, my pet brains, okay?
See you soon.
That was great.
So, do you really think I was inspiring?
My neurons are still buzzing.
So, I was thinking about writing a book.
- Oh. - On my test patient.
You know, a story about her fucked up story.
Think that'll be something you could help me with?
- Yeah, I mean, I... - Perfect.
- Well... - When can we start?
I think you should clear it with Dean Winters first.
Ew, he's such a creep.
But yes, I totally ran it by Mr. A.
He actually thought it was a great idea and thought
- you'd be perfect for it. - Mm-hm.
Why don't we just talk about it next week?
Next week?
You're trying to drive me crazy, aren't you?
Office hours this weekend, maybe?
Uh, no.
Okay, never mind.
Listen, I uh, Christine told me she explained to you
the whole nanny situation, I hope she wasn't too...
Firm, but fair.
Can you please tell her again how sorry I am?
An idiot, I was... Come on, it's okay.
It's water under the bridge.
No harm, no foul.
No harm, no foul, I like that.
That reminds me.
Make sure you check your email before you go home tonight.
- Have a good weekend. - You, too.
All clear from tower three, about to set the last trap.
Rally at my cabin afterwards?
Earth to Poppy, do you copy, Poppy?
Oh, I have a nice surprise for you, actually.
Seems like a young man has wandered into the woods alone,
and now he's trespassing without prior authorization.
Tell him to go away, we're closed.
I told him that already, but he said he talked to Burl.
What?
Where are you?
My god.
Are you okay there, buddy?
I'm okay!
I just, oh, ripped up the ass a little bit, I'm okay.
Okay.
- Hi, how are you? - Hi.
- You're Bishop, P. Bishop. - Yeah, okay.
You've got 15 minutes, and that's it,
- because the camp is closed. - No, look.
I'm not just wandering around alone out here.
I'm actually on my first investigative report.
The blog site Bigfoot Afoots dot com, have you heard of us?
- No. - Well, we've heard of you.
Now, I heard you mention the name Burl,
because I believe he's the one that confirmed
the Sirsquatch sight, the Sirsquatch sighting.
What?
Sirsquatch, he's...
Hold onto your nuts, squirrel boy.
Jesus.
Does her shirt say Squatch on it?
- Get off. - Okay.
Help.
Oh, boy.
Hi.
I heard you wanted to see me after class?
- Oh, my god. - What?
Hi, babe.
- Okay. - What?
- I'm sensitive. - Mm.
You're so sexy.
I'm so pregnant.
And I'm bloated and I'm achy, I'm tired and I'm fat.
You are so not fat.
You are glowing.
What's up?
Oh, nothing, I'm just, I'm preoccupied.
By?
I should've thrown it away, why didn't I throw it away?
What, the baby?
So...
Today, um...
You got a letter addressed to you but there was no address,
and there was no stamp on it, so I was curious.
Okay.
So, I opened it.
Sounds serious.
"Dear, Mr. Baumgarner."
"I must first start by saying I'm your biggest fan."
Oh!
Sounds good so far.
"My name is Marilyn Bishop."
"You might not recognize me, but my family,"
"owner of the Merrymaker camp grounds,"
"undoubtedly make famous by your book."
Hello?
Oh, my god.
"I believe whatever maimed and killed"
"those two girls will never return."
"I do not know this for certain, but I do not, nor did I"
"raise my children to live in fear of the unknown."
- Mm-hm. - Whoa.
"My two beautiful daughters in the picture," what picture?
Oh, yeah.
My god, this is amazing.
Huh.
Okay.
"They have endured so much over the past 15 years,"
"they simply deserve only the beauty that Merrymaker holds."
Wow.
Why in the world would you throw this away?
I don't know, 'cause it's a mildly obsessed fan letter,
in response to a horror book that you wrote seven years ago?
What, hello?
An invitation to the reopening of the camp
that I made famous is not a fan letter.
It's her last dying wish, for crying out loud.
Honey.
Well, her last dying wish is in two days.
Okay, I can drive, it'll take me 10 hours.
- What? - I zip in, zip out.
Snip the ribbon, I'll be back before you'd even miss me.
- Roland. - We'll go together.
Hey, my juices are already pumping.
Maybe this is a sign.
Come on, the three of us in the middle of nowhere.
It'll be great, Izzy, we'll find somebody to watch Izzy.
One of the students... Oh, one of your students?
They're gonna grocery shop?
And they're gonna clean the house and they're gonna
bathe Izzy and feed her and put her to bed?
No, we tried this once before, remember?
With that student, Kara?
And her intoxicated baby sitting routine.
No, we are adults now.
Mm.
- Grownups. - Yes.
Alright, alright, alright.
I'm being ridiculous, I'm sorry.
Oh, it's okay.
- I'm gonna clean up. - Okay, babe.
I'll see ya in five!
Never know what might happen in five.
Jesus H, who in the hell is that?
- I'm from Bigfoot's Afoots... - Not you.
It's just a lost camper.
I'm taking her into the infirmary, she's a little delirious.
This is her belongings.
- Any sign of, uh... - Nope.
Traps are set, though.
Great job.
Okay, meet me back at my cabin when you're done with her.
Mm-hm.
What can I do you for?
Fascinating place you have here.
Are these the sassafras trees?
Which cabin y'all got the baby-eatin' inbreed
shackled up in?
- Right this way. - Okay.
Maybe next time you'll wear looser pants
when you're thinking about breaking and entering.
So this is where it all happened.
We've repainted and remodeled all 13 cabins.
Now all that's left is to put the bodies in 'em.
Bodies?
Like dead bodies?
Yeah, dead bodies.
Of bloggists first.
Mm-hm, touché, touché.
Okay, you fill in the blank.
The first thing that people think of
when they say Merrymaker is...
Look, I know.
The perception of our camp based on that book
is completely moronic and ridiculous.
Entertaining, but fictional.
What happened to those two young girls is a tragedy,
and should be viewed and treated as such, in my opinion.
If you believe that, you must also believe that animals
are gonna rise out of the cemetery.
Do you have a cemetery here?
We have a proud family history here,
and I intend to get these grounds up and running
just as my mother's mother's mother did long before me.
You seem disappointed.
Well, I was...
I was just hoping that you could confirm
the Bigfoot sightings.
The what what whatting?
Sirsquatch.
He was reported .67 miles from here, that's why I'm here.
Are you sure you haven't seen any traces
- or any signs or any... - Of a bigfoot?
No.
But, but Burl, he...
"But Burl?"
I don't know what Burl was thinking, but Burl's way
of thinking is the reason why Burl is no longer here.
Why don't I give you the quick tour on the way out?
Hey, you're safe, okay?
No, no safe here.
Safe.
You came a long way from home, huh?
I no want to go.
Though I go.
Then...
In the camera, I see it.
Monstro, I record it.
I'm gonna get you your camera back,
and you're gonna be okay, just relax,
and let me clean you up.
I believe you, okay?
You're safe.
I promise, if you weren't safe,
I would drive you to the desert tonight myself.
- I would. - You will drive me?
Come on, let's take one of these.
You'll feel so much better.
Is this off the record?
Sure.
The truth is, when they found those two girls,
only my mother and my brother and my step-dad were there.
Oh.
Well, can I talk to mom, or brother, or...
My brother, Wayne, turned 18 and checked out that summer
after it all went down, haven't heard from him since.
Our real dad left when we were little.
Probably because he couldn't deal with my crazy,
overbearing mother and left her alone to run the place.
She met the meat-sack known as Burl and married the oaf.
But when she died last year,
half cancer, half broken heart,
Burl was asked to leave.
So, I'm sorry if I don't look like a buck-toothed inbred
who likes to blend babies into smoothies.
Oh, my gosh!
Did they base the Fran character off of you in the book?
The innocent daughter turned psychopathic scalping expert?
You'll never know.
Okay, but what about the camcorder
that was found with the maimed girls on the lake?
I mean, there was no tape in there?
At least, that's what the police report says, but is that
what you say?
Looks like your time is up.
Okay.
Well, just answer one more question.
What's the rush?
I mean, what's out here that's makin' ya so anxious?
You people are what's making me so anxious.
I'm sorry that our camp contains no man-eating inbreeds,
no Bigfoots, no nothing but real people,
just getting ready for a nice grand re-opening.
No trespassing means no, even in the middle of nowhere.
Here we go.
Alright.
Godspeed.
I would be doing a great disservice to my readers if I
didn't at least try to interview the little Mexican girl.
Ranger Bishop?
Careful of your vagina on the way over, buddy.
Bigfoot Afoots investigation blog log.
Time is, uh, I don't know what time it is,
but I'm at Merrymaker camp ground and I'm hearing
familiar but unidentifiable sounds, I...
This could be the very moment.
Tonight.
That I make bonafide first-contact.
With the primordial Sirsquatch.
I'm now going to attempt to climb down over this fence
and investigate further.
Log out.
"I'm your biggest fan."
Oh, hi, baby.
Come here.
Did you have a bad dream?
Yeah?
Did Mommy get you another teddy bear?
He's cute, what's his name?
Should get you back to bed.
♪ Ghost on the hills ♪
♪ Weirdos on the boulevard ♪
♪ Kissin' goodbye to their vanishing dreams ♪
♪ As their life is blowing apart ♪
♪ Fall out ♪
♪ In a bar brawl estate ♪
♪ Fall out ♪
♪ In a colorful haze ♪
Enough with the shaky screen.
Anita, you need to see this.
Copy.
Hey, hon.
I, uh, I hope you're enjoying your facial by now.
I know, I know, I'm a stubborn ass,
but uh, this might be good for us.
You know how I feel about my fans,
and I'll be outta your hair for a couple days,
maybe you'll get some writin' done.
Ah, come on.
Really?
Hm.
Any other traces?
These.
Scat over there next to big freakin' footprints.
It's getting closer.
Lupita told me last night
that guts fell out of a tree onto her head.
What, no, that's delirium, hallucinations,
malnutrition, dehydration, sun exposure...
This has gotten so out of control since he left!
We do not need Burl, do you understand me, Poppy?
Well, I called him because we do need him, okay?
I need him to eliminate a problem from my life.
He might just be my ticket out of town.
Well, well.
Miss Tinkerbell.
You look more like a fairytale every time I see you.
How goes it, Muffin?
Spinnin' my wheels.
Hey, can I pop one of those squares from you, Daddy-O?
You should never smoke.
Go on.
Hey, you two lung cancer advocates.
Ah!
- Well, stick around, soldier. - What'd she tell you?
Clean up, 101.
I brought my own bag of tricks with me.
And your little sister wanted me to bring this in for ya.
Don't worry, I didn't peak.
Miss me?
Like my period.
Reporter showed up, said he spoke to you specifically.
How in the hell does that happen?
Change the voicemail code if you don't want me
responding to, uh, guest inquiries.
The poor soul.
Alright, any cockamamie ideas you're brewin' up in that
burnt out head of yours, you dispose of 'em immediately,
and I will consider letting you stay in my camp, you copy?
Oorah.
You sizzle just like your momma did.
Any luck with the traps here, Popsicle?
No, he's too smart for the traps.
He did take that blouse, though,
but he left the traps untouched.
Sounds like he's playing with ya.
Sounds like you two need a big bad wolf after all, don't it?
Should be a pot of boiling water
waiting for you in the mess hall.
Welcome to the house made of brick.
Easy there, little piggy.
You may just not make it out alive.
I just threw up a little bit.
Hey, uh, can you help me out with some directions, please?
I guess my GPS must be a generic piece of shit.
Sorry, did you say somethin'?
Uh, no.
Hey, what are the chances?
That's actually where I'm headed, Merrymaker camp ground.
Do you know if it's close to here?
Why?
Are you one of those freaks into havin' sex at murder sites?
'Cause that's freaky, out of bounds.
You don't look like a freak.
You must be deeply in touch with your freakiness, huh?
I wrote the book.
Oh, never mind.
- How much is this? - 4.72.
Here we go.
Keep the change.
Anything I could help you with today?
If I keep goin' down the street,
am I gonna hit the camp ground, yes or no?
Either way, I'd watch my back.
I read the Merrymaker book.
It ain't far from the truth.
We're leaving.
Why does your sister fight?
She likes to hide monstros?
No, she's just a fighter.
She's a monstro.
No, she's just a product of her environment.
What?
Why'd you no run away?
Because, I made a promise that I didn't wanna make
a long time ago.
Come on.
Who is that?
I have no idea, just get outta here.
Whoa, whoa whoa whoa!
I surrender!
I'm unarmed!
Roland Baumgarner!
I'm on the good team!
Poppy, change of plans, get to the mess hall.
But I thought you said take her?
Just get to the mess hall, I'll meet you there.
Wow.
Mr. Baumgarner!
You know, I heard you guys have a camp to reopen,
and could use a famous face.
You're here.
You actually came.
Yeah, well, I was in the neighborhood,
and figured I'd swing by, if you have room for one more.
Mom's letter worked?
I always say you are nothing without your fans.
I just mailed it a few days ago and I thought,
there's no way...
But it's actually happening.
Oh, my god, it's unbelievable.
This, this is great.
The Merrymaker camp ground.
Hoo!
Any ax-murderers to report?
- Not recently. - Sorry to hear that.
Maybe we'll have some baby stew later, then?
Should I just follow you in?
Welcome to Merrymaker camp, Mr. Baumgarner.
Alright!
Ah!
Hey, hello.
- Penelope Bishop. - Oh, Roland Baumgarner.
- Pleasure's mine. - Roland Baumgarner?
Yes, that's me.
The famous author, here?
The one and only, I think, yeah.
- Here, in the flesh. - Wow.
This is quite a reception, thank you.
Thank you, well...
What did I say about smoking?
All you need.
You'll respect our rules,
and not subject young and impressionable...
What fence did you sneak over in?
Is there mucho more of you comin' for dinner?
Alright, excuse Burl.
He left his manners on the cutting floor.
Old habits die hard.
I hope you like your Bambi dead.
Sloppy does.
Inside, campers.
He's funny.
God, I can't believe you're here.
Wow, well, hello.
Best aperitif in 1,000 miles.
Not only illegal, but known to numb the brain.
Yeah, well, then fill me up.
Bingo.
It's not quite as, uh,
creepy out here as I thought it would be.
It's dark, quiet and it's kinda nice.
I don't think I'd be survivin' out here, though,
you know, so exposed.
At home, I'm roughin' it if I don't shower twice a day.
No showers, no food.
Survivin' fine, and I ain't roughin' it, come on.
I like roughin' it a little bit.
Bingo.
Who is miss, uh, keep to yourself
and say not a word over there?
She doesn't speak good English.
Yeah, and unfortunately,
Lucinda won't be with us much longer.
Lu-Pi-Ta.
And you lie.
I want to leave now, away from the monstro.
The monstro?
What did she... I don't understand.
- Oh, shit! - Oh, my god!
- Help me! - What the?
What the?
God.
Are you okay?
Oh, my god.
What the fucking fuck?
- You fuck-face liar! - Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- You're okay. - I, do I look okay?
- What happened? - What happened?
I, a very large beast-like thing,
dragged through the god damn forest,
and under to its underground lair!
Whoa.
Call the police!
Because Sirsquatch, he is out there and he is pissed off!
- Sirsquatch? - No, don't worry about it.
- Yeah. - I know this guy.
Yeah, yeah.
- I gave you back your camera. - With no recordings.
- Where the recordings go? - Oh, okay, okay, wait, wait.
Everybody just take a deep breath, okay?
I mean, you must admit that somethin' got to this kid,
so what's goin' on?
Our friends here are both fascinated by a supposed.
Bigfoot.
"Supposed?"
- Bigfoot. - "Supposed?"
"Supposed," my ass!
- Look at my ass! - Whoa!
Why isn't somebody calling the cops?
Because it's 85 miles to the nearest station.
We have full legal jurisdiction here.
Burl, if you please?
Like, it's out of your jurisdiction, I'd say.
Oh no, please, Burl could drive them both into town.
There's a clinic and a bus stop about 25 miles away.
You are hysterical, my friend.
You could have a closed head wound,
subarachnoid hemorrhaging, a concussion, maybe you...
I'm hysterical, because of you!
Kiddies, kiddies.
Cool it off, settle down.
The land plays tricks on you way out here.
Bears look like beasts, wolf calling something.
- There's no sacrifices. - Who are you?
He's the reason why you're here.
You're Burl?
In the flesh, darlin'.
You're a wreck.
We'll make you beautiful.
Smoke and a pancake, boy.
Watch it, oh, my god.
I bet that hurts.
Well, I'm sorry about that.
We do get our fair share of trespassers out here.
Just trying to do our best amongst the freaks.
Take it from people who have lived here their whole lives.
There's nothing out there.
There is something in the woods, but you know this.
Okay, okay, so where is her camera that she claims
holds possible proof of the Merrymaker murderer?
No one said that.
Well, we should look at it.
Mm-hm?
Oh, sure, yeah, we'll have a movie night, it'll be great.
Just one second, excuse me, um, Penelope, just a moment.
This is, this is...
I must admit, though, my curiosity is beyond beat.
We agreed to this a long time ago, Penelope.
- You promised me. - No we did not agree to this.
In circumstances that include a maimed reporter,
and a delirious Mexican girl, things have changed.
What's changed, except that we're all-systems-go?
Something is killing people, Anita.
And you can say that... Fine, fine, fine.
You can run away if you need to.
It won't change anything except everything.
Just remember what happens at the end of your plan.
Maybe something will gut me and hang up by a tree,
dance on my bones.
For your sake, I hope that makes it easier for you
to abandon your legacy.
Okay, campers, we have a game plan.
You, uh, señorita, are gonna come with me.
And Mr. Baumgarner, we set you up in cabin six,
which is between mine and Anita's cabins.
Alright, but shouldn't we be watching her tape first?
Oh, you're more than welcome to look at it if you want,
but her tape's completely blank.
Okay.
Well are you gonna sit there or are you gonna come inside?
You captured nothing, comprendo?
Nada.
You stay here, Poppy will be back to get you.
Goodbye, Snoopita.
- There you go. - Well!
What've we got here?
That's, uh, quite a few beds.
I would shower tonight, if I were you.
Unless you're scared of walking in the woods by yourself.
Oh.
Is that you offering me protection?
What do you guys do around here for fun, post meridiem?
Oh, Anita reads.
Burl listens to the radio.
I just sit and wait for the anti meridiem.
I don't sleep much.
Ironic.
With a name like Poppy, I thought you'd fall right to sleep.
Not even opiates will help you here.
Anita's cabin's next-door, if you need anything else.
Um, how are the showers?
Are they like... They're community.
Everything's community here, it's kinda like prison,
except without the bars.
It sounds like you're pumped to be opening back up.
Oh, I just work here.
I'm sure you do more than that.
Enjoy the rest of your evening.
I'm sure I will!
Okay.
Vaminos.
What happened to your co-pilot?
Damn shame.
Guess he didn't have anything to report.
Took off faster than diarrhea on a baby's butt.
I don't think you'll ever see his face round here again.
I'm not as confident as you are.
You should be.
I made him an offer he couldn't refuse.
Good thing you brought me in, you need me.
I have a proposal for you.
I'm all ears.
Those are my terms.
After I pull my end of the deal,
you grant me a full pardon.
All past indiscretions you forget.
In this life or the past.
If you deliver.
Whoa, oh, I'm sorry.
I thought you hadn't come home by now.
No, I haven't done either.
Oh, well, I'll be outta here in a second.
Why can't you look me in the eye
when you say that?
Um, because I'm not used to such overt,
look, you could be my student.
But I'm not.
Stop, wait, wait.
What are you hiding down there?
Please stop, I think we have to stop, I'm married.
Not in this version.
Mommy!
Yeah, honey!
Give me one second, I'll be right there!
Seems like there's.
Mom!
You're what?
Is Lupita in here with you?
Hey, what...
Copy.
What's happening?
What's going on?
I'm responsible for you, so get on.
Whoa.
I'm sorry about what happened last night.
What happens here stays here.
Is that what I think it is?
This is nothing.
Just a little hiccup.
We get our fair share of skinny-dippers, too.
Who the fuck would skinny-dip out here?
Her shorts are shredded, Anita.
Listen.
Your re-opening probably needs to be canceled.
Don't you agree?
Absolutely not.
This could've been me, Anita.
Yeah, she's right.
Something strange is goin' on out here.
What is the real story with that reporter kid?
Who did that to him, what did that to him?
Everybody calm down, okay?
Mr. Baumgarner, I will make you deal.
We won't reopen until we find out exactly what is out there.
So, you're confirming something is out there.
You've obviously nothing to be afraid of.
I can confirm that.
You don't even know what we're tracking.
Or what's tracking us.
I will under no circumstances confirm
that this is a Bigfoot.
That is pure mythos and plain stupidity.
Well, whatever it is, it's big.
Let's take a moment, devise a search plan, copy?
Uh, not copy?
I'm a writer, not the Grizzly Man.
I'm not going tromping through
the middle of the woods alone.
You won't be alone.
Roland, you come with me to the gun barn.
Poppy, go get Burl, we'll rendezvous at the mess hall.
- And do what? - 15 minutes.
Copy, 15.
- Be careful. - Copy, careful.
I bring this life,
given from God above.
Offer it to protect the ones I love.
If it's needed to take this away from me,
dear lord,
use the most with courage,
and victory.
I thought you said there was
nothing to be afraid of?
With a collection like this, there isn't.
Burl left some beauties behind!
Listen, I could pretend that I'm half
as tough as you ladies, I'm really not.
You know, I think it might be best if I just head out,
maybe come back when you have this all worked out?
Oh, Ro, the party's just getting started.
Come on.
Hunt with me, Roland.
Get your primal juices flowing.
Make you feel like a real man, I promise.
Well, my courage, uh,
at this point, is pretty low.
Well, courage is not the absence of fear, my friend.
It's the action taken in the face of it.
You know, I could've been like you.
Yeah, really?
I wanted to be a doctor, once upon a time.
What happened?
Two teenage girls got murdered on my family's camp ground.
Buried us in debt, lawsuits and lies.
Your little book didn't help much.
After my mom got sick, I inherited all the people comin'
up here lookin' for the Merrymaker Murderer, breakin' in,
vandalizing property, I've found more used condoms than...
Your mom, she wrote like she was such a fan.
Oh, she would kill to be here right now.
I've never really shot a gun before, so...
You'll figure it out.
Burl!
Burl, where are you?
Burl.
Burl!
Burl, come in, we need you.
Poppy, come in, please.
Poppy!
What, they've disappeared now, too?
You think maybe they're already out lookin' for Lupita?
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, that's probably where they are.
Okay, I have an idea.
What do we have here?
You little pervert, you.
Ah-roo!
You think she's up there?
Why would she go up there?
It's up there.
Why don't we wait for "it" to come down?
Yeah!
Why don't you wait here?
Did you hear that?
Yeah.
Was that your sister?
I think so.
I don't think just storming up there and ringing
- the doorbell is a good idea. - We have guns, it doesn't.
Oh, my god.
Holy shit.
Holy shit!
What the fuck?
- Roland, hey, listen to me! - What?
You're okay, you're okay.
There's nothing you can do for her now.
No, wait, I'm not going any damn further.
You don't have a choice, this is it, okay?
You got this, you got this.
Okay.
One.
Two.
Help, run, run!
Run!
It's here!
What the fuck was that?
What the fuck?
You're okay, we're okay!
- No, I'm not okay. - Hey, everybody is okay.
Stop saying that!
Nothing is okay.
Okay?
Your camp is harboring a wild beast, Bigfoot thing,
that's mauling people and needs to be killed.
You can't have people staying here.
You're lucky I'm not threatening to sue your ass!
Sue us for what?
What can you take from us that you haven't already?
You just take me back to my car,
so I can get the hell outta here, okay?
I have a wife and a child, and another child,
in the real world to get back to!
Copy that.
Shit.
No fucking way.
I'm trapped in my own god damn book.
Do we have insurance in here?
Fuck you and your Smokey the Bear Insurance.
You have a serious fuckin' problem
is what you have, Ranger Bishop.
Now, this is a crime scene, a murder scene,
and you're accessories to murder.
I know you say you're the law out here, but I think
this has gone to levels beyond your fuckin' jurisdiction!
Do you realize a Saab is a vintage classic?
Do you know how much depreciation value this just cost me?
Mr. Baumgarner, you like secrets, right?
Yeah, why?
We've been keeping a little secret from you.
The secret is out, I need god damn medical attention!
You deserve to know the truth.
The truth, what truth?
Nice drivin', city boy.
Is that Burl wearin' my mask?
The truth is, we're smarter than you.
Poppy, listen to me.
No matter what happens next,
there is nothing that we can't get through together.
We're blood.
Oh, Mr. Baumgarner!
Hi!
Welcome to the Merrymaker camp ground official reopening.
Boy, I do apologize that things haven't gone
a little bit more smoothly.
We have been dealing with a little bit of an issue,
these last few months, and my, oh my, you just
would've thought that all hell had broken loose, but uh,
luckily, crisis averted.
So, I had Penelope get together a little something for you.
A little visual aid, so Penelope, if you please.
Since you got all the credit for writing down our story,
I thought that you should at least see the truth.
You know how to raise this thing, right?
Dude, don't worry about it.
Just film it.
Apparently there's this camp counselor who eats
babies or something who lives in that cabin.
I've been double dog dared and bet five dollars
that I won't go inside of it, alone, for 10 minutes.
Alone?
That's two dollars a minute, that's a pretty good deal.
If I gave you $20,
you still wouldn't go in it, you baby.
- I told you, my number's 100. - Fine, then stay here.
No, Caitie, come on.
Caitie, it was funny before, but not anymore.
Caitie.
I thought you weren't scared of anything?
- You won't do it. - Oh, yeah?
Watch me.
- Holy crap! - God, what was it, take this!
I don't know, there's something in there!
- Violet, come on. - Hello?
No, Violet, come on, please, let's just go.
No.
Violet, Violet!
And, the rest, they say, is history.
Thank you, Poppy.
Boy, I did not think that a fan letter would get you here.
But when you showed up, come hell or high water,
I just knew that our ship had come in.
So, tell me, Mr. B.
How much are the lives of that cutie-pie wife,
and little bun in the oven of yours worth to ya, hm?
What about your little girl?
Isabella?
Something really scary and bad can happen...
Get back!
Go on, bear, go on, bear.
What is he doing?
You can't fucking bring that thing in here.
You can't bring that thing in here!
Signed, sealed and delivered.
As promised.
Get behind me, Poppy.
That is not a Bigfoot.
- It's your brother. - What?
You heard him, your brother, not a Bigfoot.
That's, that's Wayne?
That's our Wayne?
But Mom said that he...
Mom lied to ya, sweet pea.
Your mom had a lot of secrets.
What's momma to do?
Not clip the wings of her baby bird.
Cradle you.
And coddle you in my arms forever.
No!
Our divine mother gives us obstacles,
and those obstacles provide us with the nutrients
of opportunity for the growth of our species.
You are my challenge!
You are the fruit of a mother's labor!
Left out to spoil in the sun!
You will rise out of the ashes,
and your scars will be proof that you cannot be taken down
by mere mortal men!
What in God's name?
Their parents are already searching for them.
We don't have much time, I need you, baby.
If I'm to keep this place going, I need you.
I need you to be strong for me.
This'll just be our secret, okay?
Okay?
Now, I need you, I need you to get that bear
that you shot that's still in the walk-in.
I need you to bring me his paw.
You got to be quick.
Wayne?
Wayne.
Wayne, it's me.
It's Pop tart.
Calm down, calm down.
You're okay, you're okay.
Time to take the armor off.
You and me both, okay, bear?
Can you be brave for me, bear?
It's okay, bear.
It's okay.
Oh, baby.
This off now, let you see what the
real world looks like.
You killed those two girls, Wayne?
Wayne.
And that camper girl?
Those are innocent people, Wayne.
Who's innocent?
The boy's handicapped!
He's not a boy, he's a grown ass man,
and if you ask me, you're just as much to blame as he is,
so I would shut it, if I were you!
He's never hurt you, has he?
Let him be.
You wanna wipe the slate clean?
Yeah.
He can't be here anymore.
Either you do it, or I will.
You got your orders.
He is what will always be great about humanity.
No matter how deep the shit gets...
His spirit is undying.
God damn national monument.
Come here, bear.
I swore to your momma I'd protect ya until your last breath.
I can't let 'em take you away in chains, boy.
Y'all ain't even my fucking kids.
Jesus fuck, Annie!
Burl and I had unfinished business I just finished.
I am done with this fucking shit!
I am done with your fucking schemes!
I'm out, okay?
Just try and hold it together, Penelope!
Okay?
We're almost done here.
Now, kindly remove the gag from Mr. Baumgarner,
and we can get down to business, do you understand?
You crazy bitches.
I've always wanted to ask you something, Mr. Baumgarner.
Face to face.
You never camped here.
You don't know us.
So, our family, our story, our history,
was that just about money to you?
What's wrong with money?
Nothing's wrong with money, we love money.
This little adventure that we are currently engaged in
is entrepreneurial in nature.
I bet this was so cute.
Oh, yeah, babe.
You have no idea how deep inside of you I am.
Every man has to answer for his sins, Roland.
Fuck, just as Burl.
What about Burl?
Pictures and the laptop, please.
Oh, thank you.
I realize there needs to be incentives
for both parties for a deal.
Yeah, us backward folk, we got lots of cousins,
like cousin Kara?
She thinks you're gross, by the way.
So, what do you say, Roland?
Shall we commence with the first official business
transaction for the newly reopened Merrymaker camp ground?
- Transaction? - Mm-hm!
6523343013, know that number?
Yeah, that one just happens to be my fave.
I'm gonna need the password, hon.
The password is blow me, bitch.
I need that money to get out of here,
so you're gonna fucking cooperate.
Or we can do this the I'm your biggest fan misery way.
It's totally up to you, but I really don't wanna have to
go after the wife and the kids and the white picket fence.
I'm fuckin' tired, Ro.
Double one, three, oh.
Isabella.
What is this?
What is it?
There's got to be another account or something, right?
Is this where you need to put the minimum balance, or...
I thought you said that this was hundreds of thousands
- of dollars? - Just shut up, Penelope.
You wrote a best-seller, 10 million copies sold.
Where's the money, Roland?
Who do you think I am?
Steven fucking King?
I've written one book.
From which the distribution takes a cut, agent fees,
manager fees, fucking attorney fees, all plus tax!
Oh, my god, this is pathetic.
No, what's pathetic is that my wife makes the real money.
- If it wasn't for her... - Wait!
He fucking writes a new book.
What?
We just gave him the perfect story.
He survived a Bigfoot attack!
You do need a hit, Roland, be good for your ego.
And apparently the Bigfoot is very popular right now.
Yeah, he writes a Bigfoot book,
he gets to live, and the checks start coming in,
like from donors or something,
and we never have to fucking see him again.
Oh, Poppy.
This is turning out so much better than I planned.
Okay!
With a down payment today, of course.
So, uh, Mr. Baumgarner.
I would like to be the first to thank you for your generous,
albeit paltry 18,000 dollar donation to the Merrymaker
camp grounds memorial and conservation fund.
So, about how long, just ballpark, do you think
it's gonna take to whip out a first draft of this new book?
Just shoot me.
Ah.
That would be what's referred to as a bad business decision.
Do we have a deal or what?
Do I have a choice?
No.
Three months, no more than 300 pages.
I could live with that.
And you're gonna live with that.
Okay, that is a deal.
Deal.
What do you say we untie the man?
Alright.
Take it easy gettin' up out of the chair there, Ro-Ro.
Probably smart a bit.
Oh, fuck.
Come on, bud, you're not a hero.
Just shut up, okay?
Or I will blow your fucking tits off,
and burn this shit heap to the ground, so help me god.
That's a tranq gun, you doof.
Is that right, Pops?
Ah, you stay right there.
Now, give me the keys of your fucking truck.
Okay?
Roland, you got nothing.
I would not be so quick to rush home to the wife,
if I were you.
If I were you, I'd go fuck yourself.
And by the way, no deal.
No fucking Bigfoot deal.
Bigfoot is so played out.
I really don't think that you are considering
the ripples that these actions will take.
Oh, I have thought about the ripples.
I'm gonna kill you, but before I kill you,
I'm gonna answer your fucking question.
You wanna know why I chose this place?
It's because people in the real world
don't give a fuck what happens out here.
That's why it's called the middle of fuckin' nowhere, okay?
Whatever you say, doesn't fucking mean shit in my world.
So, yeah, the answer is yes.
You and your fucked up camp and your fucked up family
paid for my dream house, now give me the fucking keys,
so I can get the fuck home, okay?
The fucking keys, now.
That's right.
Oh, shit.
You stay right there.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god!
No, shh, baby.
Oh!
What happened to you?
Who did this to you?
Shh, shh.
Baby, what happened?
Tell me.
Roland.
Look at me, baby, what happened, what happened?
Who did this to you?
Ro, who did this to you?
I was attacked.
By who?
Roland?
Who did this to you?
Who?
Bigfoot.
Honey, look at me, look at me.
- Kara. - Oh, hi, Christine.
Um, is Roland around?
No, he's not home right now.
Okay, um, is he okay?
I heard he was attacked or...
He's doing much better now, thank you.
But he resigned from the university.
Are you guys moving?
That's exciting, where to?
Is there something I can help you with, Kara?
Yeah, sorry.
Yeah, I was cleaning my apartment, and found this.
I figured you should probably want it back.
- Mystery solved, thank you. - Yeah.
Well, you know, whatever happens, I hope at least inspires,
you know, some good writing, he's a good teacher.
Well, I'll let him know you stopped by.
Yeah, I mean,
he always told me to take my work really seriously, so...
I thought all work and no play makes Ro-Ro a dull boy?
I'm sorry, did I startle you?
What, what's this?
- It's the missing key. - I know, where'd you find it?
Kara had it.
Oh.
I didn't know you gave her one.
I didn't.
When did she come by, when'd you see her?
So, um, Penguin called.
And, uh, offered me an assistant editor position,
and I've agreed to take it.
Contingent that they publish my first attempt at a novel.
That's what this is.
Oh my, honey, that's amazing.
Why didn't you tell me before?
'Cause I just recently figured out how to end it.
You know all horror stories end the same way.
You got to kill the monster, right?
This is huge, I can't wait to read it.
It's gonna be your first big hit.
Well, let's not get ahead of ourselves here.
I know I keep saying it, but,
maybe this whole thing was really a blessing in disguise.
No pain, no gain, right?
If you believe that kind of thing.
What'd you find to write about that was so horrifying?
All kinds of things I wish I didn't know about you.
Oh, no.
♪ Ghosts on the hills ♪
♪ Weirdos on the boulevard ♪
♪ Kissin' goodbye to their vanishing dreams ♪
♪ As their life is blowing apart ♪
♪ Fall out ♪
♪ In a bar brawl estate ♪
♪ Fall out ♪
♪ In a colorful haze ♪
♪ For every shadow ♪
♪ There's a different ♪
♪ A different story ♪
♪ For every shadow ♪
♪ There's a different ♪
♪ A different story ♪
♪ A million dollars ♪
♪ Actors on the screen ♪
♪ You would give your life for a place in their sheets ♪
♪ But you'll never cure your fears ♪