YoubetCash.net Agen Judi Online Aman & Terpercaya
Bonus Cashback Bola 6% Bonus Rollingan 0,80%
Welcome Bonus Rp 25.000 Extra Bonus Tambahan Withdraw Rp 2.000.000
CashBack Mix Parlay 100% Bonus Ajak teman 45,2%
¶ I'm in love with you ¶
¶ Want you to love me too ¶
[480p & 720p Movies Download |Mkvking.com]
¶ True love Can be hard to find ¶
-¶ I'm in love with you... ¶ -Hi!
Hi.
-What's your name? -I thought I--
-What? -No, you go.
Sorry what was it you said?
Who are you out with?
My housemate. He's over there.
What's your name?
-Ryan. -No way.
I had a rabbit called Ryan.
Cool. How is he?
Oh, dead.
-Good. -What?
-There can only be one of us. -[chuckles]
-What's your name? -Laura.
I always said if I had a daughter...
You'd call her Laura?
Well no,
I'd probably call her "Yet another, in a long line
of women that I cannot have sex with."
Sorry that-- that was a joke.
I don't have a daughter, so,
even if I did, I'm not an incestuous pedophile.
Oh, my God, can't believe this, she's left.
She always does this.
Do you want a drink?
Uh, I-- I, should, I should probably go after her.
Then again, she'll have gone to his house and...
-So was that... -Yes.
Yeah. I'll have a shot of Tia Maria.
Great. Hi, can we please have a shot of Tia Maria
and a beer please.
Why don't you try Tia Maria with me?
Sure, and can I have two shots of Tia Maria, please.
-I'm converting him. -[chuckles]
The church of Tia Maria, all hail.
-It's not that good. -Oh.
[joyful music]
[man] Women often rate a good sense of humor as more important
to them in a partner than physical attractiveness.
A sense of humor implies a man's ability to cope with
potentially stressful or even dangerous situations.
[woman] Makeup is used primarily to artificially enlarge our features.
Big eyes and slips are indicators of youth.
The younger the woman the more fertile she's likely to be
and the more capable her body is of nurturing
and providing for her offspring.
[man] The DNA contained within saliva and exchanged
through a kiss gives us invaluable
information regarding our genetic compatibility.
[woman] Natural blonde hair is the result of high estrogen levels.
Dying hair blonde imitates increased levels of fertility
and offers scientific reasoning
to the claim that men prefer blondes.
[man] A woman's lips offer a subconscious representation
of female genitalia. When a woman is aroused
her genitals become deep red, wearing red glossy lipstick
is an unconscious attempt to mimic this process.
The human race depends upon sex.
We need to do everything we can to ensure we attract a mate,
not just any mate, but the best we can get...
-[crosstalk] -...to do this we need to enhance ourselves
and there are many ways we can do this.
[woman] Spray a finishing spritz across your face
to set the look, and you're done!
What?
That's it for this week, guys.
Remember to hit "like" if you like the video and subscribe...
-Fuck's sake. - ...to become part of the glam fans.
¶ You say I will show you mine ¶
¶ If you will show me yours ¶
¶ And one by one we're throwing ¶
¶ All our clothing On the floor ¶
¶ You say don't blow out the candles ¶
¶ Cause I want you to... ¶
Absolutely gorgeous.
Well, you said he was a smart dresser.
Yeah, not a Victorian.
Second dates are what makes or breaks a relationship.
-Says who? -Says the fella on the YouTubes.
Oh, don't go giving yourself away tonight though. All right?
Men like the chase, the less you give the more they want.
I don't want you making the same mistake I did with your father.
-[man]I can bloody hear you, Val. -Oh, fuck off.
You looked lovely in that jacket.
Just get out.
Why are you wearing my shirt?
Because I needed a shirt, Ryan.
No, I need the shirt. Laura's coming around.
Then you don't need a shirt, do you?
[singing] because you're gonna be naked.
-We're going for an Indian. -In the Indian naked.
-Just give me the shirt. -Right will you back a-way--
Will you stop wearing that towel like a girl, please?
-I thought she was coming here. -She is, and we're going for an Indian.
She's not travelling all the way across town for an "onion bhaji", is she?
She's come here for one thing and one thing only.
[choking]
Yeah, I don't think that's why she's coming.
-Cock. -I understood,
it's more than sex it's more than...
-Why don't you have sex, Ryan? -I do have sex, I've done sex.
-Yeah with Tufts, brilliant. -Yeah, and Jess. Remember Jess from college?
-Is that it? Just two girls? That's all you've had sex with. -But I was in a relationship,
-a long-term relationship. -No wonder you're still in love with her.
-Who? -Tufts.
I don't still love her.
When was the last time you texted her?
-Uh, I don't-- Friday? -Oh, man.
I've not texted in a week, it's been a week, it's finished.
Yeah, two years ago when she was jumping on somebody else's dick.
-Move on man. -I have. I am. With Laura.
[groaning]
Weeded the garden yet?
-No, I'm not going to sleep with him tonight. -Do it!
He might not even want to sleep with me, he might not even like me.
No, he was pissed the last time he saw me.
That being the only time he saw me.
-He might... -Do the bracelet test.
-What's that? -If you ever want to know how someone feels about you,
you do the bracelet test.
If you genuinely like this girl, Ryan,
and I mean, genuinely.
Do her. Girls like the game of cat and mouse.
It's a test. They like to be pursued.
Bring her here, rave in her cave, pass the test,
then you can have all the bloody pilau rice you want,
I'm going to Inferno's, ciao.
Take off your bracelet and discretely
push it into his personal space and see what he does with it.
If he pushes it away, he probably wants to push you away.
He's not interested. If he picks it up and plays with it,
he wants to get closer to you.
If he ignores it, you get the gist.
But if he puts it on, he wants to be inside you.
Hello?
Wait, wait.
Are you going out with Adam?
Who's Adam?
Our housemate.
You mean Abel. Is his name Adam?
I've been calling him Abel for ages. Anyway, no.
I forgot we even had a flat mate to be honest.
You can use my sexy silky bed sheets for one night.
I'm not going to use your sexy bed sheets--
-sexy silky bed sheets. -But you can do.
-Okay. -Okay?
Oh, you look awful.
Mum! I can't breathe in these sodding jeans.
So, fuck it. I'm not going!
Calm down! Of course you're going.
Now put this on, now keep it buttoned up.
-Have you brushed your teeth? -Yes.
-Have you got perfume on? -I don't want perfume.
I want him to smell my pheromones. Mum!
-What? It's ocean breeze. -It's room spray!
It's better than that pheromones thing you put on.
Now, you listen to me. You make sure now you're safe tonight.
He could be a pedophile for all we know.
-I'm twenty-eight. -And you're still my baby.
[soft music]
[GPS] Head northeast along Claringdale Road for two hundred meters
and take a left onto Chapel Lane.
¶ She's got you high And you don't even know yet ¶
¶ She's got you high and you don't even know yet ¶
¶ The sun's in the sky,
¶ It's warming Up your bare legs ¶
¶ And you can't deny You're looking for the sunset ¶
¶ She's got you high And you don't even know yet ¶
¶ It's the search for the time Before it leaves without you ¶
¶ Have you lost your mind, has She taken all of yours too? ¶
¶ She's got you high ¶
¶ She's got you high... ¶
[GPS] For 200 yards take your second left onto Sunningdale Drive.
¶ She's got you high ¶
¶ Romance alive and hope She's going to tell you ¶
¶ She's got you high ¶
-[Laura] So, did I ask you what your name was? -Ryan!
No way! I had a rabbit called Ryan.
Yeah.
-He's dead now. -Ah!
He went behind the shed and the cat from next door
went behind there. I thought they were playing.
So, I just left them, but turns out cats and rabbits
-don't get on in real life. -As opposed to?
-My mind. -What?
When I found him, he was paralyzed with fear, and dead.
So I buried him under a tree in the garden.
And may be rest in peace.
Well no, because I didn't dig a deep enough hole
and the foxes got to him.
Well, then he died as he lived. Badly.
-Oh. -Hey, if it makes you feel any better,
I had a fish once that died.
-What was your fish called? -Called Wanda.
That's a shit name for a fish, mine was called Bubbles...
-and Chick-a-teter. -[gasps]
[tension music]
[GPS] Your destination is on the right.
Just get the-- hi, sorry I'm late I was at Pilates.
Yes. Yeah that's good, telling him about Pilates.
[doorbell rings]
Oh, God.
-Hi! -Hi.
-Sorry I'm late I... -Oh, don't be,
-you're not late. -...I came from Pilates.
Sorry where?
No.
-I... -Shit, come in, sorry.
-Oh. -Ooh. It's lovely.
-I'll give you a tour if you like. -Okay.
Er...
Oh! [both chuckle]
-It's Dan you live with, isn't it? -Yeah.
-Yeah, but he's out clubbing.
[loudly] Clubbing!
Okay. Um...
This is a hallway. Through there is the kitchen.
This is indeed a kitchen. [chuckles]
Through there is the living room.
Ooh.
-These are stairs or broken escalators. -Very lovely stair--
Oh, or broken escalators.
[cracking wood]
Bathroom there, Dan's room there.
That's a cupboard and this is the boudoir.
Ooh, nice.
-Very tidy. -Ah, well not really,
there's a few plates there from last night,
a cup over there.
Right.
What's this? Secret room?
It's a toilet, yeah.
What an en suite?
-I've always wanted one of these. -Oh.
Wow. So, you've got the biggest room then?
Yeah, the master bedroom.
Because I am the master.
[both laugh]
-Do you want a drink or...? -Yes, please.
We have Cobra, um...
Port...
Ribena... milk.
Um. I've never had port.
Great, well port it is.
-I'll just get you some. -Okay.
Um... do you want a hand with those drinks?
Do you want a hand or anything?
No. No. I'm fine.
Right, well I just-- I'll wait in the living room then.
-Okay. -Okay.
-[upbeat music] -[phone ringing]
-Didn't take long did it? -Where's the Port?
-The what? -Didn't we have a bottle of Port, where is it?
-Is she there yet or what? -Obviously, I'm not drinking fucking Port by myself, am I?
Fuck the port, if you want to get her there's five steps.
I'm going to tell you, but you can't tell nobody else I'm going to write a book.
-Where is the Port? -Compliment her, mirror her, ask her questions,
teasingly put her down and steer the conversation towards sex.
I know, but this isn't a book.
Then you fuck her. Six steps, new book. Boosh!
I've found the Port. I've found the Port.
Right calm down! Calm down.
Where were the glasses, do we have any glasses?
Yeah, well there's one in my room.
But I piss in that when I can't go to the toilet. Up to you.
Right, I've got to go I'll call you later.
All right mate, bye-bye.
You're a proper dickhead, you know that?
Ta da!
-Wow. -I'm sorry about the cup, all our glasses are in shops.
So how have you been?
Good, yeah. Ooh, is that Irn-Bru?
Port and Irn-Bru, yeah.
All the celebs are drinking it.
It's Meryl Streep's favorite.
And you only drink what, Streep drinks?
Yeah, just Cobra and Port and Irn-Bru.
Oh, that's classy.
God, I'm so sorry, I didn't know there was someone else in here.
-Are you Dan? -No that's--
-not, not Dan, Dan's out. -Oh.
Yeah.
-You all right, mate? -Yeah,
just got a little bit of the old, dead skin
forming on the sole of my foot there. So,
going to hit that up later on once it's softened up,
but it does take time. A little bit egotistical,
but so important to look good, isn't it?
-Do you want to see the garden? -Sure.
-See you. -Oh, lovely, yeah, all right.
[door closes]
[Laura] Garden's gorgeous.
It's a movement sensor, you've got to keep moving.
Right.
Who was that?
-I don't know. -What?
As in he does live here, but I don't know his name
that's why I couldn't introduce you.
[laughs] Just ask him.
I can't. He's been here like a month.
I've been calling him Adam, or Alex.
Dan calls him Abel. But he responds to all of them.
[laughs] I honestly didn't know he was there.
I know. It's like that all the time. He's got no presence at all.
Oh!
-[Laura] Are you waving or what? -It should come on in a sec.
-There we are. Oh! Shit! -Ah!
How did you get out here without setting the light off?
Didn't know that we had a light. Oh, motion sensor, is it?
-Yeah, it should be. -Right, that's it then.
No. No, those things never pick me up for some reason.
Automatic doors, automatic dryers, automatic toilets,
can never go back to Japan.
So, we going out then or what?
Well, I was thinking we could stay in here for a bit.
[scrubbing]
But I thought we said we were going for a meal or something.
Well, yeah,
but then I thought we could watch a film or something.
You don't want to go for a drink at a bar?
Well, I have drinks here.
In fact, I was going to grab another beer. Just one sec.
[man] Sorry, old friends, left it too long.
I left these out earlier.
I'll put them away in case you trip.
-You lift weights, do you? -Every day.
How many do you normally do?
About one hundred a day.
Oh. Wow.
I'll show you,
-if you don't believe me. -No.
One. Two.
Three. Four. [panting]
All day. Four. Four.
-Five. -Oh.
Just like that really.
I could do more, but you know.
What we going to watch then?
Oh, yeah, whatever you want.
I've got-- I've got all the Pixar films.
All right.
Okay. Scarface? X-Men, Godfather trilogy.
-Ooh. Oh. -Oh, or there's my laptop there.
We could watch whatever you want. I've got Netflix.
Oh.
Oh, there's so much Pikachu that's cute.
-[man] Fuck yeah. -[Pikachu] Pika.
-Shit! -Shit.
No, no, no, no.
-That's... - Pika, Pika.
Dan. He took that, the laptop.
-Oh no, no, no, no, Dan. - You, filthy custard slag.
I think he's just, he's looking on YouTube or like,
it would have come up on the side or something and he
wondered why people were into it. I don't think he's into it,
probably thought it was a bit weird, so.
Pikachu's a slag then, eh? Who knew?
Yeah. Well, I don't.
I've not seen that.
-Can I use your bathroom a minute? -Yeah, sure.
-You know where it is. -Yep.
Oh.
[upbeat music]
[indistinct chatter]
¶ That thing I like ¶
¶ That thing, that thing You do ¶
¶ That thing I like Yeah, you got me going crazy ¶
¶ That thing, that thing You do ¶
¶ Yeah you got me going crazy ¶
¶ Don't stop make it last Don't stop make it last ¶
So, I found A Fish Called Wanda .
No? Or Cruel Intentions which may be more to your taste?
Than Pixar Pokémon porn? Doubt it. [laughs]
I'm only joking, Cruel Intentions .
A fine choice.
Right, sorted.
Do you want a top up before it starts or?
Er... No, I've still got plenty thanks.
[ Cruel Intentions begins]
Sit up here if you like? Probably see it better.
Yeah.
Get on properly.
Oh, right.
-This is nice. -Yeah.
[woman] Sebastian. Can you at least pretend to focus?
[Sebastian] What good would it do? I'm unfixable.
- Nobody's unfixable. - Yes, I am, a text-book...
Did you know that this was actually the film
that Ryan Phillippe and Reese Witherspoon met before they got married?
-No way. -Yeah. Yeah.
Wow.
-Isn't she that actress that got stabbed? Reese.. -Witherspoon.
No with a knife.
[laughs]
Sorry.
[soft music]
[woman] ...the right conditions anything is possible.
[Sebastian] It took you 12 chapters to say that.
- You're right. - I know I am.
[Sebastian] I've come to a point in my life when all I can think about is sex.
Take coming here for example,
you're a beautiful woman, perfect curves,
stunning breasts, knock out legs.
[woman] But you have to look beyond that.
[Sebastian] I know but it's hard.
[woman] Well, it's fortunate we've come to the end of our session then.
-[Sebastian] It's really been an hour? - Hour fifteen.
[Sebastian] It seems you like to keep me here as much as I wanted to stay.
[woman] Read the book.
I think you're going to get over this...
-Is that for me? -No.
-Oh. Do you want it back? -No, you can borrow it if you want.
To do with what you want.
Am I supposed to do something with it?
No.
[soft music continues]
-[Sebastian] You have a daughter? -[woman] That's her,
a straight A student, best girl on the cheer squad.
[Sebastian] That's the sort of girl that could cure me.
[woman] She's a little out of your league, Sebastian.
I'm sure the right girl will come along.
[Sebastian] What if she already has?
[woman] Then I wish you the best of luck.
Let me know how it goes.
What is it? Put her through.
-[young woman] Mom! -[woman] You know not to call when I'm working.
[young woman crying]
He told me I was beautiful [crying]
I'm such an idiot.
[woman] You're not, you're just not smart
when it comes to having sex. What have you done now?
[young woman] He's put videos of me all over the internet.
- What videos? - What do you mean what videos?
Sex tapes.
[woman] You idiot, how could you let this happen?
[young woman] I don't know. He said I had perfect curves
and stunning breasts, he asked if he could film them
and I said yes but I went too far, please help me, Mom.
[scream]
Do you know what? I've--
I've already seen this film.
Oh. Well, do you want to choose something else?
No. Actually I'm-- I'm just not in a filmy sort of mood.
I see.
What mood are you in?
I'm not-- I thought we were going out
-for dinner, so. -Right, no.
I-- I...
actually I have agoraphobia.
What?
I'll get us a drink.
Sorry.
[woman] Sebastian.
Oh, my God.
-I need your cup. -Oh.
-Come on. -[phone line ringing]
Come on, Beth, pick up the phone. Come on!
-[Beth] Hello! -Beth.
-This is Beth's phone. Leave a message. - No.
Who else is there? Yeah.
[phone line rings]
[phone ringing]
-Los! -B, I need an emergency phone call now.
Okay. It's an emergency, it's massive,
there's people on fire and they're dead.
No, that's not how you do an emergency call.
I found a body just one body.
-No! -What's happening?
-He wants to have sex with me. - And?
He wanks off to Pikachu.
Pikachu's quite pretty.
It's a drawing of a cat, thing.
He says he's agoraphobic, that's a lie,
or is it? I don't know.
-Stop being so scared. - I am scared.
I can't have sex with him. It's too soon.
If I do it, I haven't shown enough resistance.
And I've not shaved.
[phone line rings]
[upbeat music]
[phone ringing]
-Yo yo yo!
-[Ryan] I'm losing her. -What are you doing?
Right now, I am talking to you while there is a girl
who thinks I have intermittent agoraphobia held hostage
in my room. That's what I am doing. I am off-piste.
[Beth] Okay, now dip your tits into the cold water,
helps plump them up makes them look bigger,
but you need to continue doing this throughout the evening
because they will shrink in the heat.
This isn't 50 shades of fucking Gray, Bink.
No, it's more like one shade of shit.
You've been talking about this guy all week.
Give him a chance. If he's fucking up, take control.
If you're feeling nervous, think to yourself,
"What would Shakira do?" And then just do that.
Put them in.
Fuck it.
Ah. Fuck it's freezing.
-[Dan] Have you complimented her? -Yes.
Probably, I don't know.
- Have you spoken about sex yet? - No.
I can lead a horse to water, Ryan.
Okay. So, we compliment her,
-and the sex talk. - Be dominant, man.
Tell her to get in the bed,
The bedroom rules, they love rules.
-That's dogs. - This one works for both.
Right before you fuck, look her in the eye and say,
"You might not enjoy this, but by God, you'll remember it." Okay?
[soft music]
Fuck.
[Ryan] Are you all right in there?
Yeah, just give me a sec.
You getting back in the bed or what?
These are the bedroom rules.
Do not break them.
[woman in the movie] Do you want to have sex or not?
[soft music]
[woman] See, that wasn't so weird, was it?
[woman 2] Wasn't weird at all. I liked it.
[woman 1] Good. Now we're going to do it again,
only this time you're going to feel my tongue in your mouth
and when you do, you're going to massage it with yours. Are you ready?
It's all sex, sex, sex these days isn't it?
Sex, sex, sex. Sex.
You know this film was actually made in 1999.
And in those days as well.
Some things just never change.
[woman 1] How was that?
Let's do it again.
How about you try it again with your friend.
[woman 2] My mother would kill me!
[woman 1] Your mother doesn't need to know everything about your life.
I'll take care of your mom...
-You smell really good. -Thanks.
What is it?
Ocean Breeze.
-Well, it's good. -Thank you.
[Ryan] This is happening, don't get over excited,
stay calm. I am not calm!
[Laura] Shakira what would you do?
[Ryan] Okay. Start with the face and work your way down.
[Laura] Get that leg over.
And then you'd do your chest jutting thing
and roll around in the mud.
[Ryan] What is happening?
I should have had a wank.
She is so confident.
[Laura] Where am I going with this?
[Ryan] How many guys has she had?
[Laura] Oh, fuck what am I doing?
Crawl back, crawl back.
- Oh God, he's touching my boob. -Oh my, oh my God.
[Laura] Take control.
[Ryan] You're going to have to be good at this.
All your best moves.
[Laura] Right. We'll start with his shirt, kiss for a bit
then I'll take off mine and that is the new plan.
[Ryan] Be dominant, you can't let her take off her own shirt.
-Ah! -Ow.
-[Ryan]Sorry. Sorry. -It's okay.
-Shit, sorry -It's okay.
-You all right? -Yeah.
-It's a-- -It's okay.
-It's a wrap around thing. -Right.
[Laura] Fuck's sake.
Ah, got it.
Oh, it's fucking knotted.
-Oh. -You all right?
Yeah, right. Got it.
Ah. The jeans.
-Do you need a hand or? -No.
[Laura] I forgot how tight they were.
Shit... Take them off.
This is most awkward situation that has ever happened.
Fuck these jeans.
Ah.
-Ah. -Ah. Here, lie down.
[sighs] Okay.
Oh, God. This is the worst thing ever.
Ah! Thank you.
[panting]
[soft music]
I'll just...
[Ryan] Yes. Oh, yes.
[panting] Okay, relax.
I cannot wait to tell Dan about this.
Who's the daddy now, Dan?
Got to tell him about that porno as well in case she asks him.
Right, just stop thinking, stop thinking.
This is a result.
[Laura] Should I stop yet?
[Ryan] Oh, I hope it's clean down there.
What if it's too clean? Could she taste soap?
[Laura] I can't breathe.
[Ryan] Can she breathe down there?
Give her some air, a little air hole.
[Laura] I don't know how long I should do this for.
Maybe a few more swirly ones.
[panting]
[Laura] They always work like a charm.
Hey. Thank you.
[Laura] Please, don't go down there.
I think she wants me to go down there.
- Don't go down there. - She's not kissing me, so,
- yep that's what she wants. - Oh, no he's not going to-- no!
- Oh, I hope I remember how to do this. - Oh, no.
[Ryan] I can't see shit. Oh, God. Where is it?
Oh, it's here.
[Laura] Okay. Just relax.
[moans]
[Ryan] Who the fuck designed this?
[Laura] What is he doing?
Maybe stroke his hair.
[soft music continues]
[Ryan] A, B, C,
D, E, F,
G. G is a hard one.
[Laura] Okay, get him back up. How do I end this?
Wiggle him off?
Oh, she's had enough probably because I fucked up the G.
You look her dead in the eye and you say...
Hiya.
Right, here we go.
Ryan. Got a condom?
Condom yep, yep.
Right.
-Are you okay? -Yeah.
Can never get these things the right way, round.
Right.
-Hey. -Ow.
[Laura clears her throat]
-Ah. -So sorry.
-It's okay it's just, just a bit higher. -Yep.
Don't go soft. Don't die on me. Fuck.
- I could just thumb it in. - Don't thumb it in.
-Sorry. -It's okay.
[Ryan panting]
-Give me a second. Sorry. -Do you want me to do anything?
No, no. Sorry.
Ah.
Come on!
Sorry.
Sorry. [moaning]
[phone ringing]
Okay.
[phone continues ringing]
-Sorry about that. -It's okay.
-I'm usually better. -As am I.
-Just going to nip to the loo. -Okay.
[phone ringing]
[door closes]
Oh.
[slow music]
Oh.
Well, there we are. All done.
It was-- it was nice seeing you again.
Yeah and you.
And thanks for, for everything.
No, no worries. No probs.
-Bye. -Hey.
Oh.
Bye.
Just...
Bye.
[Ryan] I'm waiting out here. Are you alright?
-Wait. -Oh, they hurt so bad.
-Why would you hurt yourself? -I don't know.
-Here, let me take these. -Ah.
-I'll give you a piggyback. Get on. -Yes.
-Come on. Get on. -Yes, yes, yes.
Get on. Jump, jump. Oh no, whoa, whoa.
Oh, my God. Is this how you see the world?
-Yep. -Everyone looks tiny.
Wait, wait. Look how I see it.
Wow! You're a borrower.
-You're a borrower. -I think one of us is a freak.
-Yeah, I think it's you. -Well, I think we should ask this guy.
Hey, excuse me, which one of us would you say is a freak?
Fuck off.
-That was my dad. -[laughs]
-Hey. -Have a chip.
[slow music continues]
Oh.
-Laura. Laura. -What?
It's that way.
I'm sorry...
about this, all of it.
-About what? -The whole thing.
I just-- I haven't-- um--
I suppose you're going to go, so it doesn't really matter.
I, um,
I haven't ever really done this before.
I don't mean that I have done that,
though it didn't look like it, but I have.
Never well.
I haven't been with anyone in a while and
I fucked it. Again, not well.
Sorry-- I'm-- I don't know what I'm trying to say, um.
I'm sorry I didn't take you out.
I should have. I panicked.
I don't know-- I don't know how to do this.
I don't either.
Oh, no you do. You definitely do,
the confidence and the dancing.
Oh, God, no, that bit wasn't strong.
I liked it.
So, what you don't usually take girls to your bedroom
-on a second date? -[chuckles]
I don't usually have second dates to be honest.
I haven't met anyone that I like in a while,
or that likes me.
Is that because of an ex or you're just not that...
into women?
You don't have to tell me, I'm not like one of those girls that's like "Who is she?
Do you still see her? Does she still love you? Do you still love her?
do you? Do you?" [chuckles]
Do you?
-[Ryan] Oh. -Shit! Ryan! Why aren't you at your mums?
Why are you having sex with James?
I wanted to talk to you about this.
-About what? -Me and James.
-We're seeing each other, yeah. -Pull out a minute.
[panting] Oh, Ryan. I'm so sorry. I just knew you'd be so upset.
I was going to talk to you about it over a weekend or something,
but well, at least you know now.
Where are your pants? Put them on for a start.
-I'm pretty hot in here. -Yeah.
The central heating's faulty, you don't get the dial spot on
the temperature goes up and up and up.
-You could take a look at it? -Yeah, we can look at that.
On my count.
Release it now.
-Perfect. -[Ryan crying] You didn't count.
That'll do it.
Thanks.
Oh, my God. That's so shit.
-Ah, the temperature's fine though. -Ah.
-How long were you together? -Two and a half years.
-Shit. -I mean, it's fine now, like I've-- you know, I--
we don't hang out or anything, but like I'm not mad.
It's too cold to be standing out here.
Do you want to come back?
Yeah.
-Amazing. -[chuckles]
[Ryan] What about you then? You've got to tell me about you, if I'm telling you all this.
Fine. Right, but you have to ask the questions, okay?
So, me and my ex we finished five months ago. Go.
-Okay. Was it serious? -Yes.
-How long were you together? -Six years.
-Six years? -Yes.
-Um... Did you live together? -Yes.
-Are you married? -No.
-Were you married? -No.
-Engaged? -Yes.
-What happened? -You can't do that.
-What I have to guess? -Yes.
-Did one of you cheat? -No.
-Did he-- oh God. He's not dead, is he? -No.
Oh, God. I was going to say this game is awful.
Fine, I'm just going to tell you, okay?
So, it started about a year ago when he told me he was bisexual.
-And you were fine with that? -Well, yeah pretty much.
I was like "Do you still fancy me?"
And he was like, "Yeah."
And when I thought about it,
I thought I kind of fancy Jennifer Aniston.
-Sometimes I imagine what she must smell like. -Coconut.
Yes. I've always said piña colada.
-I think she uses a lot of scented body lotions. -Exactly.
Okay, so anyway, I was in bed,
it must have been like 3 A.M. or something,
-I woke up and he wasn't there. -Shit.
But I could hear noises coming from downstairs.
So, I got up, I went down and there was in the living room
-fiddling with the ornaments. -Is that like code for...
No, no just actual ornaments.
Like a little dish and a wooden cat thing.
-That's weird. -I know.
And I say to him
-"Are you okay?" -And he's like, "No."
Obviously, he's fiddling with ornaments at like 3 A.M.
And he says, "Okay, so you know a couple of months ago
-I told you I was bisexual?" -Which you did.
Which I did, yeah. So, I say, "Yeah."
And he says, "Well I'm not. I'm gay.
I'm sorry. I'm gay."
And what did you say?
Well, I told him that I thought it was a bold move
for the marriage, but that it was okay
because he still fancied me. And then he just stared at me
and kept repeating, "I'm gay. I'm gay. I'm gay.
-I'm gay. I'm gay. I'm gay." -And...
-"I'm gay". Yep. -Did you see that coming, or?
Well, looking back now I can kind of see the signs but...
Did his boyfriend give him away?
No. I--
that was such a dad joke.
-I'm sorry. -[chuckles]
Ah.
So, you just had to stop everything.
-Yeah. -I guess you would have to.
-We had a house and everything together so. -Oh.
To start with I was like, "We can still live together.
We can be mates and all that."
But that really didn't work out.
So, I'm back with my mom for now,
and if all of that didn't happen,
I'd be getting married next week.
[door closes]
So, is that your only ex then?
No other women I have to fight off.
-You're going to fight them? -Yeah, why not?
That cheating one sounds like she deserves a punch in the face.
Well, I'm kind of a big deal so um--
No there've not been many.
And how many is not many?
Ah.
Are you just making up a number?
What? No.
-I'm just trying to remember. -You're going to lie.
How many have you had then?
-Uh... -See, now you're going to lie.
[knocking on door]
It's not going to be for me.
No, it's going to be Dan,
he probably is going to want to speak to you.
-He's been drinking so don't believe anything he says. -[knocking continues]
Just go get him, I won't judge you I promise.
[whispering] I have already judged you.
[Ryan] Ow.
Where are you keys?
-[suspenseful music] -You made me give you them back.
Please don't shut the door just hear me out.
-What are you doing here? -I came here to talk to you.
I called you like nine times.
You didn't pick up which I understand,
but please can I come in?
No. I'm on my way to bed.
I'll be like ten minutes. Five minutes. Max.
-Don't call me... -Don't call you Max, I know, I remember.
-Where's Dan? -He's out.
-Are you okay? -No, sorry. I'm--
drank some wine and-- all the wine. [chuckles]
James and I broke up.
Fucked up, massively.
[tension music]
I love you.
I keep thinking about you,
hoping that I'll bump into you and what I'm going to say.
Does that sound pathetic?
[door closes]
-Is that, Dan? -Give me two seconds.
I thought you said he was out.
-I found baby Ryan. -No,
no that's, it came with the frame.
-It didn't. -Genuinely,
I don't know that baby.
Okay. You all right?
Yeah, no I'm-- that's-- it's not Dan in there.
It's my dad.
And he's, he's in a pretty bad way.
Should I leave? I should leave.
No! You can't leave.
He'll see you. Can you just wait here?
-I'll get him to leave. -You don't have to do that, it's your dad I don't--
It's fine, it's fine, can you just stay here?
-Give me two minutes. -Okay, yeah.
Hello.
-Hello. Listen. -[moans]
I am really, really grateful for you coming over
and saying this, but can I call you tomorrow
when this sunk in?
Aren't you even going to open your present Ryan?
-Yeah, I'll open it tomorrow. -No, do it now.
Can you please stop shouting?
[tension music]
Is that James?
Well yeah, I didn't have a photo of us two together.
Look, Ryan, you tell me what to do and I will do it.
I won't fuck up this time.
Why don't we watch the Godfather trilogy
and how about I give you your real present?
I promise I will call you tomorrow.
Oh, God.
[crying] Ryan.
That's it. Be quiet, shh. Up you come. Come on, that's it.
That's it. There we go.
-At least let me get my bloody shoes. -Shh.
[whispering] You stay here.
Yeah, all right, Dad.
Always forgetting them. [chuckles]
There goes one.
Can I use your toilet before I go?
-No. It's broken. -What about your toilet?
That's also broken.
There's something wrong with the water level
and the toilets won't fill.
The toilets are broken, honestly.
Right, well how do you go to the toilet?
We use the sink, or McDonald's.
It depends on the number.
I miss you.
-Oh. -Ryan, look at me, will you?
I stayed with him because I hated myself for what I did to you.
I will never forget that look.
[loud noise]
Have either of you two seen my assorted biscuit tin?
-Hiya. -All right?
[tension music]
You can keep those.
Beth?
Laura?
How-- how did you know I was here?
I didn't.
Why are you here?
-Why is she here? -You know him?
-Do you two know each other? -Yeah.
I-- are you two in this together?
Is that what this is? What is this?
Oh, my God.
You're Ryan, Ryan. He's-- he's pissy Ryan? Oh, my God.
-Are you two on a date? -Whoa, why am I pissy Ryan?
Why did you say pissy Ryan and she said yes?
The time you had loads to drink and pissed the bed.
-Are you two on a--? -What three years ago?
That night? That happened one time, one time.
-You pissed the bed loads. -One other time
and otherwise it's been dry nights.
Dry nights Ryan should be what you call me.
-Are you two on a date? -No.
No, no, so why are you here?
-Don't you live in Wales now? -Yeah.
-You came from Wales, here? -It was the Megabus.
It's fine. It's cheap. It's fine.
Is this your idea of getting back at me?
-Is it? -No, I'm not.
I don't know what this is? What is happening here?
Beth is who I was out with on Friday.
And is this your ex Beth?
[crying] I don't believe this.
Beth I-- I didn't know that that was pissy Ryan
-or dry nights Ryan. -How do you two know each other?
Beth, if I'd have known that I wouldn't have come here,
-and you know that. -Fine, fine.
You two stay, I'm going to leave.
I'll let you get on with your little sex party.
Oi, why did you say it was your dad?
I didn't-- I don't know what I'm supposed to say.
This is going well, isn't it?
I'm going to go.
-No. -No, no, no, stay.
-It's what you want, isn't it? -Beth, stop it.
No. We'll let him choose.
Pick one.
-I'm going to go. -No, you are going to stay
because clearly you're the one he wants now,
unlike last week when you were texting me asking was I all right, saying goodnight,
like pretty much you have done for the past two years,
telling me you love me, you miss me.
-Here we go. -Oh, no don't--
Listened to "The man who can't be moved."
"Made me think of you." Wait. Yeah, this is a really good one.
"Miss you, still can't find a girl who compares to you."
-[door closes] -¶ Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo ¶
-High five. -[girl laughs]
You see Ryan this is Tali. Tali this is Ryan.
Tali teaches Yoga, and yeah, Tali, Ryan.
Yeah, is it shoes or no shoes?
Hiya, Tufts. This is Tufts, Ryan's ex-girlfriend,
who cheated on him in this living room in fact.
That's why we don't have a sofa anymore, isn't it?
-My name's Beth. -Yeah, but we call her Tufts
because once happened she shaved herself
and when the pubes grew back came as these like tufts,
looked like individual popcorns. I'm sorry.
I didn't see it, definitely not,
but you told me it was rough as fuck, didn't you?
This lady I have definitively never laid a gander on.
I'm assuming, you're the girl Ryan's trying to have sex with.
-[Tali] Hello. -[Dan] Tali everybody!
-Woo! -Woo, woo, woo!
Well, Laura, why don't you tell me
how long has this really been going on for?
Nothing's been going on. I only met him like last Friday.
Friday! What? When you were out with me, to cheer me up? Thanks.
-You left. -Yes, because I was upset.
-What you two know each other? -Seems like it.
So, you took me out, let me leave and then pull my ex. Great plan!
Why are you making out like I planned this?
I didn't even know he was your ex,
and do you know what maybe we could have realized this sooner
if you'd actually asked me about my date tonight,
or you'd called me like a mate.
Oh, yeah, yeah that's it. You mean like earlier,
when you texted me asking me for an emergency phone call
because quote "It is desperately needed."
and I'm not making this shit up.
-Look, Ryan. -Put your phone away.
Now, I don't know if now's a good time but has anybody lost a pair of these?
-Ouhg. -Is that one of yours?
That looks so much worse and oddly so much better than it actually is.
Look, I'm not going to argue with you, I barely know the guy.
So, you two have obviously got a lot to go through.
-I'm going to leave you to it, okay? -No honestly, Laura
-That-- it's not what you think. -Ryan! Ryan.
-Really it looks bad, but-- -I'm done here, okay?
I've wanted someone that wanted something else for years
and it, it doesn't work.
[sighs]
Oh, wet towels.
-[door closes] -[Tali] I've always been like, "A raisin is a raisin.
It's its own fruit, and then Dan was like,
"It's a shriveled up, grape." I was like, "What? Did you know this?"
-He told me. -Really?
-Yeah. -Tell us something else.
Women are fucking crazy.
Laura is, I'm not. Anymore.
You okay?
Yeah, yeah.
[upbeat music]
Okay. Goblin,
-where are you from? -[imitating a goblin's voice] Dublin.
How will you be leaving this club later?
-[imitating] Stumbling. -Okay, okay.
-Seriously now. -Yes.
How do you find the current situation in Syria?
-[imitating] Troubling. -Yes.
Um, what was it like receiving the Nobel Peace Prize?
-It was very... -[imitating] Humbling.
-Yeah. -Yeah. All right!
-Don't worry about it. -About what?
-About being on a date with my friend. -I'm not.
You've been seeing one of my friends for the last two years, so--
Okay, we all know what's happened.
Why don't I open that champagne, yeah?
You'll even like champagne. It's made from grapes.
Oh, better not I'm pregnant.
You're-- what did you say?
[Beth] Ryan, where are the champagne flutes?
You know, where are they?
Baby, where are your glasses?
-I'll-- -Don't.
-[Beth] Why? -We don't have any glasses.
Please let me get her a glass.
-No. -All right.
I don't understand this. You've been
texting me, sending me flowers, pretty much begging me
-to get back with you and now-- -I sold my fucking couch!
And now you're back here like nothing happened
-and looking for glasses? -What's the deal with the glasses?
But all those texts and messages that I sent you,
you didn't reply to one, not a single one.
I know and I'm sorry,
but if we want to make this work
you have to move on.
-Baby... -Yeah, I have.
From you.
Baby.
You're going to have to leave now.
Get out.
Please get out.
You're not actually doing this, are you?
One date with my mate, a few reps and suddenly you're the big man.
I came here for you.
You came here for yourself because James left you.
-Laura's right. -Laura's an idiot.
She's an idiot who doesn't make me feel totally shit about myself all the time.
-Still an idiot though. -Come on.
Please, get out.
Please, leave.
[door opens]
I'll raise that child as my own.
I'm not really pregnant.
[GPS] Head southwest for thirty meters.
Which way is southwest?
You made your choice "pissy pants Ryan."
Hope you and "I would rather be married to a gay guy" are very happy.
You certainly fucking deserve each other!
Ah.[gasps]
Ah, oh!
-See, she did deserve a punch in the face. -Ryan!
-Laura! -Shut up. Ridiculous.
Right, where is southwest? That way? Where does the Megabus go from?
You can kiss goodbye to your job.
You haven't got the authority to sack me, Beth.
-No, but Marion does, when she-- -Marion hates you.
She fucking hates you.
[groans]
-Marion loves me. -[Laura] Slut!
-Which way is it? That way? -No, no, wait, Laura, Laura.
I'm so sorry for-- I didn't mean to lie to you.
She just turned up and I didn't know what I was supposed to do.
I know this has got to be like the worst date ever.
This isn't a date anymore.
-No? -Nope.
[slow music]
Shit do you want a jacket or something?
No. I'm fine.
Look, I don't know which way southwest is,
it's probably that way. But would you
please just come in, just for one minute.
I know I don't deserve it.
-Do you love her? -No.
No. Honestly, no.
Laura, Laura, I am so sorry.
I didn't mean for any of this.
I-- would you please just come in, please let me explain.
-Yeah, come inside, Laura. -Yeah, babe, come inside.
-Yeah, come inside you. -Stop talking, please!
[Dan] Fine.
Fine.
-[all] Yeah! Yeah! -She's coming in!
Oh, please, please, some room thank you.
Thank you. So much.
Do you want a drink? I've got champagne, genuinely.
It's still in a cup, but the caliber of drinks has skyrocketed in here.
Do you want one?
Sure.
-[champagne bottle opens] -Whoa, wow, wow. Oh. So erotic.
[both laugh]
-Whoa! Take it easy. -I'm so...
Bubbles, bubbles, bubbles.
-To Streep. -Always to Streep.
So, Goblin.
-How's the champagne? -[imitating voice] Bubbling.
-I thought you'd forgotten. -I didn't forget.
-Ah. -I am so glad you can't read maps.
I can, it's just that first bit.
I couldn't have had you going back to Wales thinking
I was an even worse Ryan than Ryan the Rabbit.
Oh my God. How do you know about my rabbit?
Because you kept talking about him, for hours, genuinely.
I don't know why? He was a shit rabbit.
Don't say that now.
-Oh. [yawning] -Oh. That good, am I?
-Sorry. -Are you tired?
-Yes, a bit. -Thought you were French kissing.
Is this a date then?
No, I don't think we should ever date.
That would be ideal.
That's sweet. This is actually some really nice stuff you guys.
-Shall we go upstairs? -Yeah.
-No, you don't have to do this. -I do.
Just let me get the champagne, in case we do really have...
All right. Come on. Mind your head, whoa.
[Laura] Ooh-hoo.
[Ryan] Ready, ready boys? Strong legs them private!
[Laura laughs]
[Dan] You might not enjoy this, but my God you'll remember it!
-[Tali] What is wrong with you? -[Dan] Just joking.
-[Tali] What is this? Piss? -[Dan] Yes.
-Oh, my God. You're disgusting. -Why? It's just piss.
-Oh, oh it stinks. -No, it doesn't.
It was in the morning. Stay here one minute.
-[Tali] No. -I love you.
[door closes]
Oh. I didn't see you there.
Oh, I shouldn't worry, it happens a lot.
I'm Tali.
Tali, I'm A...
Ah... Right.
So, we have banana, or that could just be yellow.
This apparently makes everything burn.
-Uf... Not that. -I don't like those either.
We have ribbed or glow in the dark.
I'd prefer it if my cock doesn't glow to be honest.
Banana.
Right.
Come here.
No, that's just yellow.
[both chuckle]
It's just yellow.
You ready? Do you want me to do anything?
Nah.
All right.
-You all right? -Yeah.
-Oh. -Oh.
-Ah. Okay. -Oh.
-Okay. -Yeah.
[both moaning]
No...
-No! -Oh, dear.
[both laugh]
-Did you come? -Yeah.
-I did, but I can keep going. -Can you?
No. I'm sorry.
That's okay. It's fine, it's fine.
Sorry about that.
Hey, it was much better than last time.
Yeah. It was, wasn't it?
So, imagine next time.
Puff... [chuckles]
¶ Sweat, baby, sweat, baby Sex is a Texas drought me ¶
¶ And you do the kind of stuff ¶
¶ That only Prince Would sing about ¶
¶ So put your hands down My pants and I'll bet ¶
¶ You'll feel Nuts, yes, I'm Siskel, yes I'm Ebert ¶
-¶ And you're getting two thumbs up ¶ -Yes. Ah!
¶ You've had Enough of two-hand touch ¶
¶ You want it rough You're out of bounds ¶
¶ I want you smothered Want you covered ¶
¶ Like my Waffle House Hash browns ¶
¶ Come quicker than Fed Ex Never reaching apex ¶
¶ Like Coca-Cola Stock You are inclined ¶
-¶ To make me rise An hour early ¶ -Fuck.
- ¶ Just like Daylight Savings Time ¶ -Yes. Ah!
-I know you're watching Pikachu. -I'm not.
-You are. -I'm just checking my emails.
How long have you been awake?
¶ You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals ¶
¶ So let's do it like they Do on the Discovery Channel ¶
Say my name. Say my name.
Oh, I've forgotten it.
That's okay.
¶ Love, the kind you clean up With a mop and bucket ¶
¶ Like the lost Catacombs of Egypt Only God Knows where we stuck it ¶
¶ Hieroglyphics Let me be Pacific, I want to be down ¶
¶ In your South Seas But I got This notion that the motion ¶
¶ Of your ocean Means small craft advisory ¶
¶ So, if I capsize in Your thighs, high tide ¶
I actually have agoraphobia.
[both chuckle]
-Right. -What?
Right, no. I, um, I actually have agoraphobia.
So, right.
-Cool down. -Ah.
-Ah, right. Okay, okay. -Oh.
Fuck it now. Right, right. Okay, right, right. No, no. Okay.
But um-- actually, right...
Well, I thought we were going out, so...
-Right, no. What. -Just--
Oh, my God. Just say it really quick, right? Ready?
I just-- I thought we were going out.
Right.
Can we-- can we cut?
¶ Nothin' but mammals ¶
¶ So, let's do it like they do ¶
¶ On the Discovery Channel ¶
¶ Do it again now You and me baby Ain't nothin' but mammals ¶
¶ So, let's do it like they Do on the Discovery Channel ¶
¶ Gettin' horny now ¶