0000 00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:10,000 YoubetCash.vip Agen Judi Online Aman & Terpercaya 000 00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:15,000 Bonus Cashback Bola 6% Bonus Rollingan 0,80% 00 00:00:16,000 --> 00:00:20,000 Welcome Bonus Rp 25.000 Extra Bonus Tambahan Withdraw Rp 2.000.000 0 00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:25,000 CashBack Mix Parlay 100% Bonus Ajak teman 45,2% 1 00:00:12,679 --> 00:00:15,082 - And though I'm no Olivier, 2 00:00:15,148 --> 00:00:17,417 if he fought Sugar Ray, he would say 3 00:00:17,484 --> 00:00:21,288 that the thing ain't the ring, it's the play. 4 00:00:21,355 --> 00:00:25,158 So give me a stage where this bull here can rage, 5 00:00:25,225 --> 00:00:29,162 and though I can fight, I'd much rather recite. 6 00:00:30,430 --> 00:00:32,900 That's entertainment. 7 00:00:32,966 --> 00:00:35,702 - Alec, what are you doing in my dressing room? 8 00:00:35,769 --> 00:00:38,238 - You talking to me? - Alec, don't do that. 9 00:00:38,305 --> 00:00:40,307 What are you, afraid to be yourself? 10 00:00:40,374 --> 00:00:43,010 - A little bit, I am. A little bit. 11 00:00:43,076 --> 00:00:45,078 - Shake it off, Alec. This is your night. 12 00:00:45,145 --> 00:00:48,148 Go for it. You can do it. 13 00:00:50,284 --> 00:00:54,922 - You never got me down, Bob. You never got me down, Bob. 14 00:00:54,988 --> 00:00:58,392 - Put that coffee down. 15 00:00:58,458 --> 00:01:01,228 - Pumpkin spice latte? Bob, come on. 16 00:01:01,295 --> 00:01:04,198 - You bitch. We're gonna roast the fuck 17 00:01:04,264 --> 00:01:06,333 out of you tonight. 18 00:01:06,400 --> 00:01:09,503 [cheers and applause] 19 00:01:09,570 --> 00:01:15,609 [orchestral music] 20 00:01:22,182 --> 00:01:23,717 [music distorts] 21 00:01:23,784 --> 00:01:30,591 [punk rock music] 22 00:01:30,657 --> 00:01:35,095 - [singing] Regrets, I've had a few 23 00:01:35,162 --> 00:01:40,901 But then again, too few to mention 24 00:01:40,968 --> 00:01:46,106 But I did what I had to do 25 00:01:46,173 --> 00:01:52,212 I saw it through without exemption 26 00:01:52,279 --> 00:01:57,117 I've planned each charted course 27 00:01:57,184 --> 00:02:03,257 Each careful step along the highway 28 00:02:03,323 --> 00:02:07,895 And more, much more than this 29 00:02:07,961 --> 00:02:12,432 I did it my way 30 00:02:12,499 --> 00:02:16,370 - This is the Comedy Central Roast of Alec Baldwin. 31 00:02:16,436 --> 00:02:21,675 And now please welcome your roastmaster, Sean Hayes. 32 00:02:21,742 --> 00:02:23,210 [cheers and applause] 33 00:02:23,277 --> 00:02:26,413 [upbeat music] 34 00:02:31,785 --> 00:02:35,322 - Thank you. That's so nice. Thank you, thank you. 35 00:02:35,389 --> 00:02:37,224 Thank you, everybody. Welcome. 36 00:02:37,291 --> 00:02:40,194 Welcome to the Comedy Central Roast of Alec Baldwin. 37 00:02:40,260 --> 00:02:43,230 [cheers and applause] 38 00:02:43,297 --> 00:02:44,865 They say you only roast the ones you love, 39 00:02:44,932 --> 00:02:46,667 but tonight we said fuck it. 40 00:02:46,733 --> 00:02:48,101 [laughter] 41 00:02:48,135 --> 00:02:50,103 Alec, I think we can all agree, 42 00:02:50,170 --> 00:02:52,239 is a great actor, an incredible philanthropist, 43 00:02:52,306 --> 00:02:55,342 and a huge dick. 44 00:02:55,409 --> 00:02:57,511 Can someone please explain to Ken Jeong 45 00:02:57,578 --> 00:02:59,279 what a huge dick is? 46 00:03:05,185 --> 00:03:07,221 We got right into it. 47 00:03:07,287 --> 00:03:10,691 Uh, it's great to see all the diversity on the stage, though. 48 00:03:10,757 --> 00:03:14,061 We have a gay, trans, black, Asian, mixed. 49 00:03:14,127 --> 00:03:15,529 I don't know whether to roast these people 50 00:03:15,596 --> 00:03:17,531 or register them to vote. 51 00:03:17,598 --> 00:03:19,933 Okay? 52 00:03:20,067 --> 00:03:22,503 Let's get to the real reason why we're all here tonight. 53 00:03:22,569 --> 00:03:24,972 To meet Robert De Niro. 54 00:03:25,072 --> 00:03:28,075 [cheers and applause] 55 00:03:38,619 --> 00:03:40,988 Robert, by the way, what's a legend like you 56 00:03:41,088 --> 00:03:42,322 doing at a comedy roast? 57 00:03:42,389 --> 00:03:44,124 I mean, is this the same Robert De Niro 58 00:03:44,191 --> 00:03:48,095 that did "Little Fockers" and "Dirty Grandpa" and... 59 00:03:48,128 --> 00:03:50,597 [laughter] 60 00:03:50,664 --> 00:03:53,367 Yeah, I guess it kind of makes sense, yeah. 61 00:03:53,433 --> 00:03:54,568 I can't wait until someone 62 00:03:54,635 --> 00:03:56,436 makes you an offer you can refuse. 63 00:04:03,710 --> 00:04:06,680 We've got NBA all-star Blake Griffin tonight. 64 00:04:06,747 --> 00:04:08,549 [cheers and applause] 65 00:04:12,419 --> 00:04:16,456 No offense, Blake, but I am a better ball handler than you. 66 00:04:16,523 --> 00:04:20,327 Uh, Caitlyn Jenner is here. 67 00:04:25,599 --> 00:04:27,401 I can't believe you're here, wow. 68 00:04:27,467 --> 00:04:29,369 You've got balls, girl. 69 00:04:29,436 --> 00:04:31,338 Yeah. 70 00:04:36,510 --> 00:04:38,912 Caitlyn, being here tonight is braver 71 00:04:38,979 --> 00:04:40,380 than anything you've ever done. 72 00:04:40,447 --> 00:04:43,417 But don't worry, any parts you don't like can be cut. 73 00:04:53,627 --> 00:04:57,998 Now, uh, without further a-douche, 74 00:04:58,098 --> 00:04:59,766 let's take a look at Alec's package 75 00:04:59,833 --> 00:05:02,402 before it makes any more Baldwins. 76 00:05:02,469 --> 00:05:05,038 - Ladies and gentleman, the actor. 77 00:05:05,072 --> 00:05:07,241 [bright music] 78 00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:08,475 [rock music] 79 00:05:08,542 --> 00:05:09,476 - Execute. 80 00:05:09,543 --> 00:05:10,644 Jack Donaghy. 81 00:05:10,711 --> 00:05:12,179 You ask me if I have a God complex? 82 00:05:12,246 --> 00:05:14,615 Put that coffee down. 83 00:05:14,681 --> 00:05:16,450 Cookies are for closers. 84 00:05:16,517 --> 00:05:17,618 I am God. 85 00:05:17,684 --> 00:05:20,454 Next time, Jack, write a goddamn memo. 86 00:05:20,521 --> 00:05:22,856 No one can resist my Schweddy balls. 87 00:05:22,923 --> 00:05:26,960 - That phenomenon of nature called the actor. 88 00:05:27,060 --> 00:05:29,429 - Stella! - What is he? 89 00:05:29,496 --> 00:05:32,266 - Alec Baldwin is the single greatest actor of all time. 90 00:05:32,332 --> 00:05:34,768 both: I love rock and roll 91 00:05:34,835 --> 00:05:36,703 Rock and roll is the devil's music. 92 00:05:36,770 --> 00:05:39,606 And they love me way more than they love Alec Baldwin. 93 00:05:39,673 --> 00:05:42,843 - Actors live continually in the glare of the spotlight. 94 00:05:42,910 --> 00:05:44,278 - Baldwin was kicked off a plane 95 00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:46,647 after refusing to turn off his phone. 96 00:05:46,713 --> 00:05:50,083 - Their comings and goings are reported daily in the press. 97 00:05:50,083 --> 00:05:51,451 - What job did you want to do 98 00:05:51,518 --> 00:05:53,654 that you failed at that you're doing this job? 99 00:05:53,720 --> 00:05:56,356 - For actors, there is no such thing as a private life. 100 00:05:56,423 --> 00:05:59,660 - You are a rude, thoughtless little pig. 101 00:05:59,726 --> 00:06:01,862 I'll give you a reason to be afraid of me! 102 00:06:01,929 --> 00:06:04,598 I'm your host, Alec Baldwin. - [singing] I know the score 103 00:06:04,665 --> 00:06:06,300 - Many a man imagines himself 104 00:06:06,366 --> 00:06:08,368 with his arms around a beautiful actress. 105 00:06:08,435 --> 00:06:10,304 - Don't tire him out too bad on the honeymoon. 106 00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:12,272 I'm gonna kill the bear! 107 00:06:14,775 --> 00:06:18,045 - [singing] USDA certified lean - Oh! 108 00:06:18,078 --> 00:06:19,646 - [singing] I'm the man 109 00:06:19,713 --> 00:06:21,281 - I'm a mighty great white shark, Lemon, 110 00:06:21,348 --> 00:06:23,483 and you are a remora clinging to me 111 00:06:23,550 --> 00:06:25,319 with your suction cup head. 112 00:06:25,385 --> 00:06:28,222 - [singing] You can't break me down 113 00:06:28,288 --> 00:06:29,489 I got gas in the tank 114 00:06:29,556 --> 00:06:30,691 - I like to do my own dirty work. 115 00:06:30,757 --> 00:06:31,658 - [singing] I got money in the bank 116 00:06:31,725 --> 00:06:33,060 - That's a lot of money, man. 117 00:06:33,060 --> 00:06:34,061 - [singing] I got news for you, baby 118 00:06:34,061 --> 00:06:35,362 You're looking at the man 119 00:06:35,429 --> 00:06:38,932 - Whoops! Always be closing. 120 00:06:39,066 --> 00:06:41,068 This is not a movie. This is my fucking life. 121 00:06:41,068 --> 00:06:45,072 - A star of stage and screen, the one and only Alec Baldwin. 122 00:06:45,138 --> 00:06:47,407 [bright music] 123 00:06:47,474 --> 00:06:50,511 [cheers and applause] 124 00:06:53,680 --> 00:06:58,785 - And now the moment only he's been waiting for, Alec Baldwin. 125 00:06:58,852 --> 00:07:04,892 [triumphant music] 126 00:07:26,346 --> 00:07:28,048 Don't worry, Alec, nothing said here tonight 127 00:07:28,048 --> 00:07:29,216 will be meaner than what you left 128 00:07:29,283 --> 00:07:31,151 on your daughter's voice mail. 129 00:07:31,218 --> 00:07:33,854 [audience groaning] 130 00:07:40,527 --> 00:07:42,596 Alec once said that I was like a brother to him, 131 00:07:42,663 --> 00:07:45,132 which is why we haven't talked in ten years. 132 00:07:45,199 --> 00:07:47,100 [laughter] 133 00:07:47,167 --> 00:07:49,837 Of course, I wasn't his first choice to host tonight. 134 00:07:49,903 --> 00:07:51,672 His first choice was Tracy Morgan, 135 00:07:51,738 --> 00:07:53,473 but even Tracy said, 136 00:07:53,540 --> 00:07:55,242 "I'd rather go shopping at Walmart 137 00:07:55,309 --> 00:07:58,078 with the Walmart driver who hit me." 138 00:08:00,380 --> 00:08:03,016 A lot of people think Alec is the best Baldwin brother, 139 00:08:03,050 --> 00:08:05,118 but someone saying you're the best Baldwin brother 140 00:08:05,185 --> 00:08:06,620 is kind of like your doctor saying, 141 00:08:06,687 --> 00:08:09,823 "Good news, you have the best kind of cancer." 142 00:08:13,727 --> 00:08:16,597 Alec almost got the role of Batman in 1989, 143 00:08:16,663 --> 00:08:18,198 but the part went to Michael Keaton 144 00:08:18,265 --> 00:08:21,101 because he actually had chemistry with Kim Basinger. 145 00:08:21,168 --> 00:08:23,370 [laughter] 146 00:08:28,141 --> 00:08:30,410 - I never thought of that. 147 00:08:30,477 --> 00:08:32,579 - Of course, Alec's true passion 148 00:08:32,646 --> 00:08:34,181 has always been the theater. 149 00:08:34,248 --> 00:08:37,951 Alec loves to hit the stage because it can't press charges. 150 00:08:43,156 --> 00:08:44,558 Alec used to be a belligerent drunk 151 00:08:44,625 --> 00:08:47,294 before he became a belligerent sober person. 152 00:08:49,296 --> 00:08:52,699 It's true, Alec had a substance abuse problem in the past, 153 00:08:52,766 --> 00:08:54,401 but he worked through it and hasn't done 154 00:08:54,468 --> 00:08:57,070 anything of substance in 20 years. 155 00:08:58,639 --> 00:09:00,240 Alec is a romantic. 156 00:09:00,307 --> 00:09:02,242 He met his first wife on a movie set 157 00:09:02,309 --> 00:09:04,411 and his second wife on a swing set. 158 00:09:12,853 --> 00:09:15,455 Her name is Hilaria, and what's even more "hilaria" 159 00:09:15,522 --> 00:09:17,758 is they already have four kids together. 160 00:09:17,824 --> 00:09:19,393 But he finally got it right. 161 00:09:19,459 --> 00:09:23,497 His wife is a calming presence and an amazing yoga instructor. 162 00:09:23,564 --> 00:09:26,533 She was able to get Alec into this one position 163 00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:30,070 where he has to work until he dies. 164 00:09:35,542 --> 00:09:38,579 The good part about having kids late in life: 165 00:09:38,645 --> 00:09:41,248 young, strong pallbearers. 166 00:09:47,521 --> 00:09:51,458 Now, Alec, sit back, unclench your fists, 167 00:09:51,525 --> 00:09:54,061 and I promise, this will be the funniest thing 168 00:09:54,061 --> 00:09:55,762 you've ever been a part of that Tina Fey 169 00:09:55,829 --> 00:09:57,397 didn't carry you through. 170 00:09:57,464 --> 00:10:00,067 [laughter] 171 00:10:04,605 --> 00:10:07,841 Our first roaster is Nikki Glaser. 172 00:10:07,908 --> 00:10:10,944 [cheers and applause] 173 00:10:12,012 --> 00:10:14,181 If you don't recognize Nikki, it's probably because 174 00:10:14,248 --> 00:10:17,050 you were drunk when you went home with her. 175 00:10:17,117 --> 00:10:20,020 Give it up for the person you'll remember as 176 00:10:20,087 --> 00:10:22,990 that lady who went up first, Nikki Glaser. 177 00:10:23,056 --> 00:10:27,694 [upbeat music] 178 00:10:27,761 --> 00:10:29,963 - Sean Hayes! 179 00:10:30,030 --> 00:10:31,932 Keep it going for the reason 180 00:10:31,999 --> 00:10:34,601 Mike Pence says we have hurricanes. 181 00:10:34,668 --> 00:10:37,304 [laughter] 182 00:10:37,371 --> 00:10:39,573 You look like the little man on top of a wedding cake 183 00:10:39,640 --> 00:10:42,176 that a bakery would refuse to make for you. 184 00:10:44,444 --> 00:10:46,813 "Will & Grace" was really the best you could do. 185 00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:48,348 It just... 186 00:10:52,152 --> 00:10:54,421 Just Jack! Just Jack is-- 187 00:10:54,488 --> 00:10:56,456 it's also what I'm gonna do in my hotel room alone 188 00:10:56,523 --> 00:10:58,358 after sitting next to Blake Griffin all night. 189 00:10:58,425 --> 00:10:59,860 Jesus Christ. 190 00:10:59,927 --> 00:11:03,497 You're so hot. What the fuck? 191 00:11:03,564 --> 00:11:06,433 You're so--I'd fuck you in front of my grandparents. 192 00:11:06,500 --> 00:11:08,468 I--that's how-- 193 00:11:08,535 --> 00:11:11,505 I almost want to, you know? 194 00:11:11,572 --> 00:11:14,074 I feel like Mimi would be proud. 195 00:11:17,578 --> 00:11:19,279 Blake, you look like a black guy 196 00:11:19,346 --> 00:11:21,215 that got made by a printer running out of ink. 197 00:11:21,281 --> 00:11:22,916 That's-- 198 00:11:28,589 --> 00:11:30,891 Yeah. 199 00:11:30,958 --> 00:11:32,826 Chris Redd is here because Comedy Central 200 00:11:32,893 --> 00:11:35,262 wasn't sure if Blake was black or not. 201 00:11:41,502 --> 00:11:43,470 You look great, Chris. 202 00:11:43,537 --> 00:11:45,439 Uh, you always dress like a nine-year-old 203 00:11:45,506 --> 00:11:47,808 who just found $1,000 on the sidewalk. 204 00:11:47,875 --> 00:11:50,110 [laughter] 205 00:11:53,514 --> 00:11:55,249 At this point, like, what can you say 206 00:11:55,315 --> 00:11:57,985 about Jeff Ross that he hasn't heard before? 207 00:11:58,118 --> 00:12:00,721 It's like--uh, oh. "I respect you." 208 00:12:00,787 --> 00:12:05,158 Um, "You look nice tonight." 209 00:12:05,225 --> 00:12:07,828 "Here's your salad, sir." Stuff like that. 210 00:12:07,895 --> 00:12:12,733 Okay, Jeff, you look like if Popeye only ate Popeye's. 211 00:12:12,799 --> 00:12:15,235 [laughs] 212 00:12:15,302 --> 00:12:16,537 Checks out. 213 00:12:16,603 --> 00:12:20,073 - Come back, no. - No, Jeff, no. 214 00:12:20,073 --> 00:12:23,076 Don't break the couch. Your face... 215 00:12:25,479 --> 00:12:27,080 Your face has a dad bod. 216 00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:29,783 Let's-- 217 00:12:29,850 --> 00:12:32,286 Jeff gets really hot girls and I just--I don't-- 218 00:12:32,352 --> 00:12:34,321 how do you get 10s? 219 00:12:34,388 --> 00:12:35,656 Teens, I'm sorry, I read that wrong. 220 00:12:35,722 --> 00:12:37,591 How do you get-- 221 00:12:37,658 --> 00:12:40,194 you have the sex appeal of a gymnastics doctor. 222 00:12:40,260 --> 00:12:42,696 I just don't understand. 223 00:12:42,763 --> 00:12:44,565 [scoffs] 224 00:12:46,466 --> 00:12:48,802 Robert De Niro is here. 225 00:12:52,272 --> 00:12:54,208 Looking like ALF. 226 00:12:57,244 --> 00:13:01,114 I can't even believe I get to share this stage 227 00:13:01,181 --> 00:13:03,050 with you tonight, Robert De Niro. 228 00:13:03,116 --> 00:13:05,319 And by this stage, I mean the final one of your life. 229 00:13:05,385 --> 00:13:06,753 It's-- 230 00:13:06,820 --> 00:13:08,622 [audience groaning] 231 00:13:11,758 --> 00:13:12,893 I'm sorry. 232 00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:15,796 I don't feel right about any of this. 233 00:13:15,863 --> 00:13:17,965 Caitlyn Jenner, I just want to thank you 234 00:13:18,065 --> 00:13:19,867 for all you've done for the trans movement 235 00:13:19,933 --> 00:13:22,703 and the size 16 stiletto industry. 236 00:13:24,304 --> 00:13:26,173 You were such an incredible athlete. 237 00:13:26,240 --> 00:13:29,877 People forget just how fast you once ran 238 00:13:29,943 --> 00:13:34,982 from your first family to go be on a reality show. 239 00:13:35,082 --> 00:13:36,750 [laughter] 240 00:13:38,752 --> 00:13:41,889 - I like that one. 241 00:13:41,955 --> 00:13:44,892 - Seriously, though, I know being a new mom is hard. 242 00:13:46,760 --> 00:13:48,729 But even Casey Anthony knows 243 00:13:48,795 --> 00:13:50,831 the current location of her daughter. 244 00:13:54,668 --> 00:13:57,137 - Oh, my God. 245 00:13:57,204 --> 00:13:59,006 - Okay. 246 00:13:59,106 --> 00:14:00,374 Thank you. 247 00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:03,243 You're a Republican. I don't know why. 248 00:14:03,310 --> 00:14:05,879 You've already gained control over a woman's body. 249 00:14:05,946 --> 00:14:08,048 [laughter] 250 00:14:08,115 --> 00:14:11,185 What does that party have to do to lose your support? 251 00:14:11,251 --> 00:14:13,120 Be your son? 252 00:14:13,187 --> 00:14:16,623 [audience groaning] 253 00:14:16,690 --> 00:14:19,660 Caitlyn, I know you've only publicly identified 254 00:14:19,726 --> 00:14:22,396 as a woman for a few years, but I just want you to know 255 00:14:22,462 --> 00:14:25,933 that I know that, deep down, you have always been a [...]. 256 00:14:26,066 --> 00:14:27,301 And, uh-- 257 00:14:27,367 --> 00:14:29,369 [laughter] 258 00:14:29,436 --> 00:14:32,072 I spell it with a K, though, for you. 259 00:14:34,074 --> 00:14:37,177 You're great. Thank you, you're great. 260 00:14:37,244 --> 00:14:39,713 Alec Baldwin, what an honor to be here 261 00:14:39,780 --> 00:14:42,749 roasting Justin Bieber's wife's oldest, fattest uncle. 262 00:14:42,816 --> 00:14:45,919 It's like-- 263 00:14:45,986 --> 00:14:48,422 I'll never forget that voice mail, 264 00:14:48,488 --> 00:14:51,124 um, that--what you called your daughter Ireland 265 00:14:51,191 --> 00:14:53,160 a thoughtless little pig. 266 00:14:53,227 --> 00:14:55,462 Um, that's got to be one of the worst things 267 00:14:55,529 --> 00:14:57,097 you can call your daughter. 268 00:14:57,097 --> 00:15:00,167 After Ireland, actually. That's-- 269 00:15:00,234 --> 00:15:03,036 that name, yikes. 270 00:15:03,103 --> 00:15:07,040 Speaking of terrible names, your wife's name is Hilaria. 271 00:15:07,107 --> 00:15:09,109 Is it "Hi-lair-ia"? It's--it's "Hi-lair-ia"? 272 00:15:09,176 --> 00:15:11,445 - "E-lar-ia" - "E-lar-ia"? 273 00:15:11,512 --> 00:15:14,581 Oh, it's so stupid. Okay, um-- 274 00:15:14,648 --> 00:15:16,416 It doesn't matter. She's so hot. 275 00:15:16,483 --> 00:15:18,285 Dude, she's so hot and fit. 276 00:15:18,352 --> 00:15:21,555 Does getting screamed at burn calories? 277 00:15:24,057 --> 00:15:26,059 You have four kids under the age of six. 278 00:15:26,093 --> 00:15:27,594 I just--how do you do it? 279 00:15:27,661 --> 00:15:30,130 I mean, isn't your semen just oatmeal at this point? 280 00:15:30,197 --> 00:15:33,300 [laughter] 281 00:15:33,367 --> 00:15:36,170 Oh, Robert just got excited when I said "oatmeal." 282 00:15:36,236 --> 00:15:38,305 He started salivating. 283 00:15:38,372 --> 00:15:40,073 Your-- 284 00:15:40,107 --> 00:15:42,442 your night nurse is warming it up backstage. 285 00:15:42,509 --> 00:15:45,145 It'll be ready in the break. 286 00:15:45,212 --> 00:15:47,114 I'm such a fan of the Baldwins. 287 00:15:47,181 --> 00:15:49,283 I've never been so sure that 288 00:15:49,349 --> 00:15:52,085 four people have buried a hooker together. 289 00:15:52,152 --> 00:15:55,355 [laughter] 290 00:15:55,422 --> 00:15:57,658 In all seriousness, I want to thank Alec. 291 00:15:57,724 --> 00:16:00,427 Um, in his memoir, he bravely admitted 292 00:16:00,494 --> 00:16:03,497 that he had once considered suicide. 293 00:16:03,564 --> 00:16:06,567 And I just want to say that that meant a lot to me 294 00:16:06,633 --> 00:16:08,268 because I have also 295 00:16:08,335 --> 00:16:09,336 considered your suicide. 296 00:16:09,403 --> 00:16:11,405 And I have some ideas. 297 00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:16,243 I even know what I'm gonna wear. 298 00:16:16,310 --> 00:16:18,879 Alec, thank you so much for having me here tonight. 299 00:16:18,946 --> 00:16:20,314 Thank you. 300 00:16:20,380 --> 00:16:21,782 [cheers and applause] 301 00:16:21,849 --> 00:16:23,050 [upbeat music] 302 00:16:23,116 --> 00:16:26,653 - You are fucking funny. Holy shit. 303 00:16:26,720 --> 00:16:29,523 Coming up, Chris Redd, Caitlyn Jenner, 304 00:16:29,590 --> 00:16:32,426 Adam Carolla, Jeff Ross, Ken Jeong, 305 00:16:32,492 --> 00:16:35,462 Caroline Rhea, Robert De Niro, and Blake Griffin. 306 00:16:35,529 --> 00:16:37,364 - Are you gonna do jokes about wanting to fuck me? 307 00:16:37,431 --> 00:16:39,600 - Yeah, now I am. - Okay, good, yes. 308 00:16:41,134 --> 00:16:44,637 [upbeat music] 309 00:16:44,704 --> 00:16:47,507 - Welcome back to the Comedy Central Roast of Alec Baldwin. 310 00:16:47,574 --> 00:16:49,809 Our next roaster is Blake Griffin. 311 00:16:49,876 --> 00:16:53,313 [cheers and applause] 312 00:16:53,379 --> 00:16:55,215 He almost married Kendall Jenner, 313 00:16:55,281 --> 00:16:56,716 but unfortunately, they're no longer 314 00:16:56,783 --> 00:17:00,220 accepting weirdos in that family. 315 00:17:00,286 --> 00:17:04,224 He's half black, half white, and neither half is funny. 316 00:17:04,290 --> 00:17:05,792 I usually say a third thing, 317 00:17:05,859 --> 00:17:06,793 but I don't know shit about sports. 318 00:17:06,860 --> 00:17:07,927 Blake Griffin. 319 00:17:07,994 --> 00:17:13,700 [upbeat music] 320 00:17:13,766 --> 00:17:16,503 - Guys, give it up for Sean Hayes, huh? 321 00:17:16,569 --> 00:17:20,840 Doing a great job. Uh, Sean, you know what? 322 00:17:20,907 --> 00:17:22,809 I'm not gonna stand up here and run a bunch 323 00:17:22,876 --> 00:17:25,278 of hacky gay jokes into the ground, all right? 324 00:17:25,345 --> 00:17:27,547 I'm not "Will & Grace." 325 00:17:27,614 --> 00:17:30,850 [laughter] 326 00:17:30,917 --> 00:17:35,355 Larry Bird is here. I mean Nikki Glaser is here. 327 00:17:35,421 --> 00:17:37,757 - That hurts, Blake. That hurts. 328 00:17:37,824 --> 00:17:40,860 [cheers and applause] 329 00:17:42,562 --> 00:17:44,364 - Uh, you know, the only difference 330 00:17:44,430 --> 00:17:46,065 between Larry Bird and Nikki Glaser 331 00:17:46,132 --> 00:17:49,569 is Larry could actually pass as 33. 332 00:17:49,636 --> 00:17:51,805 [audience groaning] 333 00:17:51,871 --> 00:17:54,574 - Devastating! 334 00:17:54,641 --> 00:17:56,376 - I'm sorry. You were so nice earlier. 335 00:17:56,442 --> 00:17:57,377 I-- 336 00:17:57,443 --> 00:17:59,112 [laughter] 337 00:17:59,179 --> 00:18:02,415 I just--yeah. 338 00:18:02,482 --> 00:18:05,451 Nikki, look at you. 339 00:18:05,518 --> 00:18:07,687 You damaged little climber. 340 00:18:07,754 --> 00:18:10,456 [laughter] 341 00:18:10,523 --> 00:18:12,292 You know, Nikki was the only girl 342 00:18:12,358 --> 00:18:15,061 kicked off Jeffery Epstein's island for networking. 343 00:18:15,094 --> 00:18:17,363 [laughter] 344 00:18:20,066 --> 00:18:21,634 Adam Carolla is here. 345 00:18:21,701 --> 00:18:23,937 [cheers and applause] 346 00:18:24,070 --> 00:18:26,573 You know, Adam looks like the kind of guy 347 00:18:26,639 --> 00:18:28,975 who calls black athletes "thoroughbreds." 348 00:18:29,075 --> 00:18:31,878 [audience groaning] 349 00:18:34,681 --> 00:18:37,484 - Caroline Rhea from "Sabrina" is here, give it up. 350 00:18:37,550 --> 00:18:41,020 Give it up. 351 00:18:41,020 --> 00:18:43,523 Caroline, if you're here, that means Salem the cat 352 00:18:43,590 --> 00:18:45,091 must have turned this down, huh? 353 00:18:45,158 --> 00:18:48,127 [laughter] 354 00:18:48,194 --> 00:18:50,029 Sorry, Mr. De Niro, we know how much 355 00:18:50,096 --> 00:18:51,664 you love that black pussy. 356 00:18:51,731 --> 00:18:54,434 [audience clamoring] 357 00:19:03,776 --> 00:19:05,478 Nice to meet you, by the way. 358 00:19:05,545 --> 00:19:07,213 [laughter] 359 00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:09,883 Big fan. 360 00:19:09,949 --> 00:19:12,218 Chris Redd looks like a police sketch 361 00:19:12,285 --> 00:19:14,621 of someone doing blackface. 362 00:19:19,058 --> 00:19:21,427 You look like Nephew Jemima. 363 00:19:21,494 --> 00:19:23,530 - Oh, shit! 364 00:19:23,596 --> 00:19:24,864 Don't talk about my auntie like that. 365 00:19:24,931 --> 00:19:26,466 - Dude, dude, dude. 366 00:19:26,533 --> 00:19:29,569 - Why do you always look like you just got your braces off? 367 00:19:33,940 --> 00:19:37,644 Speaking of Chris Redd, Caitlyn Jenner is here. 368 00:19:39,078 --> 00:19:41,748 Uh, uh--I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. 369 00:19:41,815 --> 00:19:45,218 Like Caitlyn, my transitions are really awkward. 370 00:19:47,754 --> 00:19:51,324 Caitlyn completed her gender reassignment in 2017, 371 00:19:51,391 --> 00:19:53,893 finally confirming that no one in that family 372 00:19:54,027 --> 00:19:55,762 wants a white dick. 373 00:19:55,829 --> 00:19:58,798 [audience clamoring] 374 00:20:04,504 --> 00:20:06,039 Oh. 375 00:20:13,947 --> 00:20:16,149 - Oh. 376 00:20:16,216 --> 00:20:18,651 - Thought she was coming after me there for a second. 377 00:20:22,555 --> 00:20:26,292 Caitlyn's pussy is so young... 378 00:20:26,359 --> 00:20:28,795 - How young is it? 379 00:20:28,862 --> 00:20:31,965 - Alec just called it a rude, thoughtless little pig. 380 00:20:36,236 --> 00:20:39,172 Look, look, for real, I know we're all here 381 00:20:39,239 --> 00:20:40,640 making fun of Caitlyn, but honestly, 382 00:20:40,707 --> 00:20:43,009 I want to take this moment to publicly thank you. 383 00:20:43,042 --> 00:20:46,579 As an athlete, I want to thank you for your bravery. 384 00:20:46,646 --> 00:20:50,917 As a human, I want to thank you for the doors you've opened. 385 00:20:51,017 --> 00:20:53,720 And on behalf of the entire NBA 386 00:20:53,786 --> 00:20:57,891 and half of the rappers on the "Billboard" charts, 387 00:20:58,024 --> 00:20:59,792 I want to thank you for giving your daughters 388 00:20:59,859 --> 00:21:01,661 their daddy issues. 389 00:21:01,728 --> 00:21:03,830 [cheers and applause] 390 00:21:16,042 --> 00:21:20,547 And now the man of the hour, Mr. Alec Baldwin. 391 00:21:20,613 --> 00:21:23,116 Give it up. 392 00:21:23,183 --> 00:21:25,118 Alec, I can tell you're from New York 393 00:21:25,185 --> 00:21:26,352 because just like the Knicks, you've somehow 394 00:21:26,419 --> 00:21:28,321 gotten worse every year since the 90s. 395 00:21:32,492 --> 00:21:34,928 You know, Alec kind of looks like a team owner 396 00:21:35,061 --> 00:21:38,264 that saves money by massaging the players himself. 397 00:21:41,634 --> 00:21:44,804 And I played for Donald Sterling, so... 398 00:21:46,840 --> 00:21:48,575 You might think Alec's had an easy life, 399 00:21:48,641 --> 00:21:50,343 but he's had hardships. 400 00:21:50,410 --> 00:21:54,447 He once had someone take his parking spot. 401 00:21:54,514 --> 00:21:56,115 Another time, a flight attendant 402 00:21:56,182 --> 00:22:00,186 asked him to turn his phone off before takeoff. 403 00:22:00,253 --> 00:22:02,121 And according to Alec's reactions, 404 00:22:02,188 --> 00:22:05,358 those are the two worst things to ever happen to him. 405 00:22:05,425 --> 00:22:08,328 [cheers and applause] 406 00:22:08,394 --> 00:22:11,231 In the NBA, we have a term for people like you. 407 00:22:11,297 --> 00:22:14,367 It's a bad teammate. 408 00:22:14,434 --> 00:22:17,570 Like, you were in "Glengarry Glen Ross" 409 00:22:17,637 --> 00:22:19,739 with Kevin Spacey and you couldn't even tell him 410 00:22:19,806 --> 00:22:22,942 that ABC doesn't mean "always blow children"? 411 00:22:23,042 --> 00:22:25,512 [audience clamoring] 412 00:22:31,251 --> 00:22:33,052 I would have told him. 413 00:22:33,119 --> 00:22:35,155 Uh, but you know what, I'm happy I'm here tonight 414 00:22:35,221 --> 00:22:37,257 because tonight I learned you're a family man, 415 00:22:37,323 --> 00:22:39,993 you give to charity, and you're a big enough man 416 00:22:39,993 --> 00:22:41,995 to sit up here and let us roast you. 417 00:22:42,061 --> 00:22:45,131 You truly are a kind, thoughtful little pig. 418 00:22:45,198 --> 00:22:47,233 [cheers and applause] 419 00:22:47,300 --> 00:22:50,036 [upbeat music] 420 00:22:50,103 --> 00:22:54,374 - Coming up, Caitlyn Jenner and Caroline Rhea. 421 00:22:54,440 --> 00:22:57,010 - Dude, it's about to happen. This shit's gonna get real. 422 00:22:58,745 --> 00:23:01,782 [upbeat music] 423 00:23:01,848 --> 00:23:05,352 - Our next roaster is Caroline Rhea. 424 00:23:05,419 --> 00:23:06,853 Yes. 425 00:23:06,920 --> 00:23:08,422 [cheers and applause] 426 00:23:08,488 --> 00:23:11,858 Remember the hot aunt from "Sabrina the Teenage Witch"? 427 00:23:13,894 --> 00:23:17,230 We got the other one. 428 00:23:17,297 --> 00:23:19,266 She's had a pretty tough year, 429 00:23:19,332 --> 00:23:21,968 what with all the Dress Barns closing. 430 00:23:22,035 --> 00:23:24,671 [laughter] 431 00:23:24,738 --> 00:23:26,273 But she just flew in on the world's 432 00:23:26,339 --> 00:23:29,075 strongest broomstick, Caroline Rhea. 433 00:23:29,142 --> 00:23:32,779 [upbeat music] 434 00:23:36,716 --> 00:23:39,753 - Oh, yes. 435 00:23:39,820 --> 00:23:41,588 I know what you're thinking. It's Amy Schumer 436 00:23:41,655 --> 00:23:43,890 with the old-age face app. 437 00:23:53,834 --> 00:23:55,368 Sean Hayes is going to be hard to top, 438 00:23:55,435 --> 00:23:57,971 but plenty of men have managed to do it. 439 00:24:00,674 --> 00:24:03,043 Alec, where are your brothers tonight? 440 00:24:03,110 --> 00:24:05,145 God knows they're not working. 441 00:24:10,851 --> 00:24:13,386 Let's face it. No one wants to be here. 442 00:24:13,453 --> 00:24:14,988 The person who went to the greatest lengths 443 00:24:14,988 --> 00:24:18,091 to not show up tonight was Bruce Jenner. 444 00:24:21,361 --> 00:24:23,530 - Yay. 445 00:24:23,597 --> 00:24:25,999 - Caitlyn Jenner, proof that older women in Hollywood 446 00:24:26,032 --> 00:24:27,868 get fewer parts. 447 00:24:32,172 --> 00:24:34,007 You transitioned in your 60s. 448 00:24:34,040 --> 00:24:36,877 Way to get in on the glory years, yeah. 449 00:24:39,312 --> 00:24:44,017 And out of the glory holes. Um... 450 00:24:44,050 --> 00:24:46,219 I actually respect that you fully transitioned 451 00:24:46,286 --> 00:24:49,022 instead of stopping halfway like Sean Hayes. 452 00:24:49,055 --> 00:24:52,759 [laughter] 453 00:24:52,826 --> 00:24:56,663 Dr. Ken Jeong is here, yes. 454 00:24:56,730 --> 00:24:58,565 That's right, Ken is a licensed doctor 455 00:24:58,632 --> 00:25:00,767 who went through years and years of higher education 456 00:25:00,834 --> 00:25:02,402 and yet still thought the Unicorn 457 00:25:02,469 --> 00:25:04,971 on "The Masked Singer" was Beyoncé. 458 00:25:07,240 --> 00:25:09,075 Yeah. 459 00:25:09,142 --> 00:25:10,444 So likely. 460 00:25:10,510 --> 00:25:12,379 Was it an online medical degree? 461 00:25:12,446 --> 00:25:14,414 Oh. 462 00:25:14,481 --> 00:25:16,616 Did you become a doctor so you could find your own penis 463 00:25:16,683 --> 00:25:18,452 because God knows no one else was looking for it? 464 00:25:18,518 --> 00:25:21,888 No. Oh. 465 00:25:21,988 --> 00:25:25,992 Speaking of shrimp, I saw your special on Netflix and, um, 466 00:25:26,059 --> 00:25:28,395 did not know they filmed open mics. 467 00:25:28,462 --> 00:25:30,831 So. Whoa! 468 00:25:35,802 --> 00:25:38,338 Jeff Ross, you are a staple on the roasting circuit 469 00:25:38,405 --> 00:25:41,007 and a predator at high school dances. 470 00:25:43,643 --> 00:25:45,846 Jeff, you are one fat Jewish man. 471 00:25:45,912 --> 00:25:47,180 I feel like you really took 472 00:25:47,247 --> 00:25:49,850 "let my people go" out of context. 473 00:25:56,823 --> 00:25:59,693 Nikki Glaser, it has been driving me crazy all night. 474 00:25:59,760 --> 00:26:03,263 Which 1970s male Olympian did you used to be? 475 00:26:12,973 --> 00:26:15,342 Nikki, you were an inspiration on "Dancing with the Stars." 476 00:26:15,408 --> 00:26:17,644 I had no idea you were deaf. 477 00:26:25,185 --> 00:26:26,653 On your TV show, you asked your parents 478 00:26:26,720 --> 00:26:28,321 if they had ever done anal. 479 00:26:28,388 --> 00:26:30,323 And of course, they said, "After Nikki was born, 480 00:26:30,390 --> 00:26:32,225 we only did anal." 481 00:26:39,232 --> 00:26:41,201 Chris Redd is here, which I can only assume 482 00:26:41,268 --> 00:26:43,170 has something to do with Make-A-Wish. 483 00:26:49,643 --> 00:26:51,278 What can you say about Adam Carolla 484 00:26:51,344 --> 00:26:53,547 that he won't tell you in an insufferable tirade 485 00:26:53,613 --> 00:26:55,449 he's trapped you in? 486 00:26:58,318 --> 00:27:00,353 Robert De Niro. 487 00:27:00,420 --> 00:27:03,824 [cheers and applause] 488 00:27:03,957 --> 00:27:06,793 You have a big movie coming out with Al Pacino and Joe Pesci. 489 00:27:06,860 --> 00:27:08,261 It's three and a half hours long. 490 00:27:08,328 --> 00:27:10,664 Is it just about you guys trying to pee? 491 00:27:19,973 --> 00:27:22,175 Alec and I have known each other for 25 years. 492 00:27:22,242 --> 00:27:24,444 One time, when I was doing "Sabrina the Teenage Witch" 493 00:27:24,511 --> 00:27:27,581 and he was doing Hilaria, the teenage yoga instructor. 494 00:27:27,647 --> 00:27:29,983 [laughter] 495 00:27:36,456 --> 00:27:38,291 Your wife, Hilaria, is in great shape, 496 00:27:38,358 --> 00:27:39,659 but who wouldn't be after pushing around 497 00:27:39,726 --> 00:27:42,863 a 200-pound baby all day? 498 00:27:42,996 --> 00:27:45,365 She's the boss, baby! 499 00:27:49,402 --> 00:27:52,305 Alec Baldwin was a busboy at Studio 54, 500 00:27:52,372 --> 00:27:56,176 which means he had to clean up jizz and coke every night, 501 00:27:56,243 --> 00:27:57,811 which is exactly what Nikki Glaser 502 00:27:57,944 --> 00:27:59,513 looks for in a shampoo. 503 00:28:07,454 --> 00:28:12,292 Oh, Alec, you're the only fat vegetarian I know. 504 00:28:12,359 --> 00:28:14,361 Alec is also an animal rights activist. 505 00:28:14,428 --> 00:28:16,263 He was instrumental in closing down 506 00:28:16,329 --> 00:28:17,964 the Ringling Brothers Circus. 507 00:28:18,031 --> 00:28:19,232 [cheers and applause] 508 00:28:19,299 --> 00:28:21,468 It's true. 509 00:28:21,535 --> 00:28:22,669 The animals were fine, 510 00:28:22,736 --> 00:28:24,337 but three clowns lost their jobs. 511 00:28:24,404 --> 00:28:26,406 Steven, Billy, and Daniel. 512 00:28:29,409 --> 00:28:31,278 Honestly, Alec, it's an honor to be here for you tonight. 513 00:28:31,344 --> 00:28:32,646 It's an honor to be your friend. 514 00:28:32,712 --> 00:28:34,281 I love you like a brother. Like a real brother. 515 00:28:34,347 --> 00:28:35,649 Thank you. 516 00:28:35,715 --> 00:28:36,650 [cheers and applause] 517 00:28:36,716 --> 00:28:38,151 [upbeat music] 518 00:28:38,218 --> 00:28:42,322 - That was fucking funny. Thank you, that was great. 519 00:28:42,389 --> 00:28:44,724 Still to come, Ireland Baldwin... 520 00:28:44,791 --> 00:28:48,462 - My precious little buttercup. - And Chris Redd. 521 00:28:48,528 --> 00:28:51,298 - Alec, you don't even know what's coming, man. 522 00:28:51,364 --> 00:28:52,899 Thank you for having me on here, 523 00:28:52,999 --> 00:28:54,568 and now, I'ma get in that ass. 524 00:28:55,178 --> 00:29:00,350 [upbeat music] 525 00:29:00,416 --> 00:29:03,086 - Oh, my God. 526 00:29:03,152 --> 00:29:04,721 Comedy Central has brought us 527 00:29:04,787 --> 00:29:07,056 some amazing young black talent over the years. 528 00:29:07,123 --> 00:29:09,692 Dave Chappelle, Key and Peele, Trevor Noah. 529 00:29:09,759 --> 00:29:12,228 But we're ending that tradition now with Chris Redd. 530 00:29:12,295 --> 00:29:14,597 [laughter] 531 00:29:14,664 --> 00:29:16,299 He's been on "SNL" for a few years, 532 00:29:16,366 --> 00:29:18,201 but he's making his television debut tonight. 533 00:29:18,268 --> 00:29:20,136 Chris Redd. 534 00:29:20,203 --> 00:29:25,642 [upbeat music] 535 00:29:25,708 --> 00:29:28,344 - Yeah. 536 00:29:28,411 --> 00:29:30,246 Yeah. 537 00:29:30,313 --> 00:29:33,149 Give it up for Sean "hazed a lot in high school," everybody. 538 00:29:33,216 --> 00:29:35,318 Ain't he the gayest? 539 00:29:35,385 --> 00:29:37,453 Now, I am the least-known person on this dais 540 00:29:37,520 --> 00:29:39,222 and some people are like, "Who the hell are you?" 541 00:29:39,289 --> 00:29:40,690 And I'm gonna tell you who I am. 542 00:29:40,757 --> 00:29:43,159 I'm the only person in 44 seasons of "SNL" 543 00:29:43,226 --> 00:29:45,762 to actually show up for Alec Baldwin ass. 544 00:29:51,334 --> 00:29:54,737 And for the last time, Alec, man, I am not Michael Che. 545 00:29:54,804 --> 00:29:57,073 [...], stop calling me that. 546 00:29:59,375 --> 00:30:02,679 Blake, you've got the dumbest face. 547 00:30:02,745 --> 00:30:05,415 You look like a rhinoceros looking for his own horn. 548 00:30:05,481 --> 00:30:08,484 Where is that? Up there, down there? 549 00:30:08,551 --> 00:30:12,522 Little two-eyed cyclops. I don't like it. 550 00:30:12,589 --> 00:30:14,691 Blake, you look like nine different races 551 00:30:14,757 --> 00:30:16,092 all working together to make sure 552 00:30:16,125 --> 00:30:18,161 you never win a championship. 553 00:30:18,228 --> 00:30:21,197 [laughter] 554 00:30:21,264 --> 00:30:24,100 Hey, Caitlyn. 555 00:30:24,167 --> 00:30:25,501 You goddamn hypocrite. 556 00:30:25,568 --> 00:30:27,103 You're, like, against gay marriage. 557 00:30:27,103 --> 00:30:28,471 You voted for Trump. 558 00:30:28,538 --> 00:30:30,506 You're like the Auntie Tom of the trans community. 559 00:30:33,643 --> 00:30:35,712 I mean, okay. 560 00:30:39,382 --> 00:30:41,217 I mean, you did open the door for trans people. 561 00:30:41,284 --> 00:30:43,286 But then you ran in and slammed that shit shut 562 00:30:43,353 --> 00:30:44,888 behind your flat ass. 563 00:30:44,954 --> 00:30:47,190 [cheers and applause] 564 00:30:49,826 --> 00:30:52,462 I like these jokes. 565 00:30:52,529 --> 00:30:55,365 Caroline looks like she leaves her baby in a hot car 566 00:30:55,431 --> 00:30:57,500 to meet firemen. 567 00:31:00,069 --> 00:31:02,171 Look at you over there. 568 00:31:02,238 --> 00:31:04,374 Looking like Caitlyn Jenner got a sex change 569 00:31:04,440 --> 00:31:07,410 at a Build-A-Bear workshop. 570 00:31:07,477 --> 00:31:11,915 Very progressive store. Very progressive. 571 00:31:13,883 --> 00:31:15,852 Jeff Ross looks like Caitlyn's old dick 572 00:31:15,919 --> 00:31:17,387 coming back to haunt her. 573 00:31:23,927 --> 00:31:25,795 But at least it put a suit on, baby. 574 00:31:25,862 --> 00:31:28,131 That's nice. 575 00:31:28,198 --> 00:31:29,933 Adam Carolla's here. 576 00:31:29,999 --> 00:31:31,534 Adam really tells it like it is 577 00:31:31,601 --> 00:31:34,270 if you're also an insecure white supremacist. 578 00:31:34,337 --> 00:31:37,240 [cheers and applause] 579 00:31:37,307 --> 00:31:38,975 I saw you on "Dancing with the Stars," girl. 580 00:31:39,108 --> 00:31:42,545 You got two left hooves, don't you? 581 00:31:42,612 --> 00:31:45,114 Watching Nikki salsa dance was the worst thing 582 00:31:45,114 --> 00:31:46,850 a white person has done to Puerto Ricans 583 00:31:46,916 --> 00:31:49,719 since Trump threw paper towels at them. 584 00:31:57,660 --> 00:31:59,462 Robert De Niro, baby! 585 00:31:59,529 --> 00:32:02,899 It's an honor to be up here with you, man. 586 00:32:02,966 --> 00:32:05,869 And to follow up on our conversation backstage, 587 00:32:05,935 --> 00:32:07,070 no, I have not been on your lawn. 588 00:32:07,103 --> 00:32:09,272 I don't know where you live. 589 00:32:09,339 --> 00:32:11,341 But I do know your ex-wife owns that house now. 590 00:32:11,407 --> 00:32:13,610 You know what I mean? 591 00:32:13,676 --> 00:32:15,612 Once you go black, you never go back. 592 00:32:15,678 --> 00:32:17,113 But you go broke. Right, Bobby? 593 00:32:17,180 --> 00:32:19,616 Yeah? Yeah? 594 00:32:19,682 --> 00:32:21,818 You old, you old, you old, you old. 595 00:32:21,885 --> 00:32:24,387 It's okay. 596 00:32:24,454 --> 00:32:27,257 Robert, man, you've given us so many amazing performances. 597 00:32:27,323 --> 00:32:28,725 "Goodfellas," "Awakenings." 598 00:32:28,791 --> 00:32:31,461 But tonight, man, it's gonna be the best one yet. 599 00:32:31,528 --> 00:32:33,096 It's gonna be the old Italian man 600 00:32:33,096 --> 00:32:34,631 trying to figure out trans pronouns 601 00:32:34,697 --> 00:32:36,799 in front of a live studio audience. 602 00:32:43,506 --> 00:32:45,408 Speaking of people that cut my screen time 603 00:32:45,475 --> 00:32:46,576 every Saturday night, 604 00:32:46,643 --> 00:32:49,279 Alec motherfucking Baldwin, baby. 605 00:32:49,345 --> 00:32:50,847 [cheers and applause] 606 00:32:50,914 --> 00:32:53,917 Please give it up right now for this Emmy-winning, 607 00:32:54,050 --> 00:32:58,688 bread-faced river pig. Give it up. 608 00:32:58,755 --> 00:33:00,823 - What? 609 00:33:00,890 --> 00:33:03,459 - Honestly, Alec, we got a lot in common, man, you know? 610 00:33:03,526 --> 00:33:05,528 We both work on "SNL." 611 00:33:05,595 --> 00:33:08,698 We both fuck women my age. 612 00:33:08,765 --> 00:33:10,500 And we both have to check Instagram 613 00:33:10,567 --> 00:33:12,435 to see what your daughter's up to. 614 00:33:15,271 --> 00:33:16,739 I'm just-- 615 00:33:16,806 --> 00:33:19,342 I'm just trying to be the first black man in Ireland. 616 00:33:19,409 --> 00:33:21,077 You know what I'm talking about? You know what I'm talking about? 617 00:33:21,077 --> 00:33:22,545 You know what I'm talking about. You know what I'm talking about. 618 00:33:22,612 --> 00:33:24,080 You know what I'm talking about. 619 00:33:24,080 --> 00:33:26,282 She know what I'm talking about. 620 00:33:26,349 --> 00:33:29,085 I'm just playing. I'm not the first, but... 621 00:33:31,721 --> 00:33:33,223 Alec once said black people love him 622 00:33:33,289 --> 00:33:34,958 because he plays Trump on "SNL," 623 00:33:35,091 --> 00:33:37,193 and that is not why we like you, Alec. 624 00:33:37,260 --> 00:33:38,461 We like you because you have 625 00:33:38,528 --> 00:33:40,129 the same eye color and temperament 626 00:33:40,196 --> 00:33:42,799 of every pit bull that we've loved and had to put down. 627 00:33:44,734 --> 00:33:46,936 I miss you, Tiki. 628 00:33:47,003 --> 00:33:50,206 She used to bark at kids too, you know? 629 00:33:51,808 --> 00:33:54,177 But honestly, Alec, man, I admire you, dog. 630 00:33:54,244 --> 00:33:56,179 You've punched paparazzi, you've yelled at cops, 631 00:33:56,246 --> 00:33:58,047 and you've lived to tell about it. 632 00:33:58,081 --> 00:34:00,049 And you had me here on this roast. 633 00:34:00,049 --> 00:34:01,885 That means a whole lot to me, man. 634 00:34:01,951 --> 00:34:03,353 You my nigga, Alec. 635 00:34:03,419 --> 00:34:06,890 Don't say it back, though. Do not say it back. 636 00:34:06,956 --> 00:34:08,758 [upbeat music] 637 00:34:08,825 --> 00:34:10,627 - You're fucking funny, man. 638 00:34:10,693 --> 00:34:12,228 You killed it. 639 00:34:14,430 --> 00:34:16,499 Still to come, Ken Jeong... 640 00:34:16,566 --> 00:34:18,134 - You're gonna crush it. - Fuck you. 641 00:34:18,201 --> 00:34:19,636 Oh, you said something nice. 642 00:34:19,702 --> 00:34:22,338 - And Caitlyn Jenner. - I'm coming for you. 643 00:34:24,140 --> 00:34:27,777 [upbeat music] 644 00:34:27,844 --> 00:34:29,512 - Welcome back to the Comedy Central Roast 645 00:34:29,579 --> 00:34:30,546 of Alec Baldwin. 646 00:34:30,613 --> 00:34:32,882 Tonight I'm happy to announce 647 00:34:32,949 --> 00:34:35,084 Alec Baldwin and Comedy Central have joined 648 00:34:35,151 --> 00:34:37,587 to donate $1 million to a wonderful charity 649 00:34:37,653 --> 00:34:39,222 called Exploring the Arts. 650 00:34:39,288 --> 00:34:42,158 [cheers and applause] 651 00:34:42,225 --> 00:34:44,227 They're great. 652 00:34:44,293 --> 00:34:46,729 Exploring the Arts is an arts education nonprofit 653 00:34:46,796 --> 00:34:48,698 founded by the one and only Tony Bennett 654 00:34:48,764 --> 00:34:51,000 and his wife, Susan Benedetto. 655 00:34:51,067 --> 00:34:53,302 Yes, amazing. 656 00:34:53,369 --> 00:34:57,507 And a good friend of Tony's has something to say to Alec. 657 00:34:57,573 --> 00:35:00,443 - Hey, everybody. It's LG here. 658 00:35:00,510 --> 00:35:02,645 I hope you don't mind me interrupting 659 00:35:02,712 --> 00:35:05,815 the little lovefest you've got going on 660 00:35:05,882 --> 00:35:09,218 to let you know how happy my pal Tony Bennett 661 00:35:09,285 --> 00:35:14,390 and I are that something good is coming out of all of this. 662 00:35:14,457 --> 00:35:16,392 With all the arts funding being cut 663 00:35:16,459 --> 00:35:19,896 out of public schools, Tony Bennett and his wife 664 00:35:19,962 --> 00:35:23,533 founded Exploring the Arts in order to make a difference 665 00:35:23,599 --> 00:35:25,401 by supporting public high schools 666 00:35:25,468 --> 00:35:28,538 and their students to enhance their education 667 00:35:28,604 --> 00:35:32,241 with extensive exposure to all of the creative arts. 668 00:35:32,308 --> 00:35:34,677 Because where would we be without art? 669 00:35:34,744 --> 00:35:38,147 So, Alec, as they continue to destroy you tonight, 670 00:35:38,214 --> 00:35:40,783 just remember that it's all for a cause 671 00:35:40,850 --> 00:35:43,152 near and dear to our hearts. 672 00:35:43,219 --> 00:35:48,558 Love all of you very much. Have a good night being mean. 673 00:35:48,624 --> 00:35:50,059 [cheers and applause] 674 00:35:50,126 --> 00:35:52,562 - Well, she's not Lady Haha. 675 00:35:57,466 --> 00:36:02,071 Our next roaster is Caitlyn Jenner, LGBTQ icon. 676 00:36:02,138 --> 00:36:05,475 [cheers and applause] 677 00:36:05,541 --> 00:36:06,776 Her daughter Kylie 678 00:36:06,843 --> 00:36:08,678 sold a billion dollars worth of makeup, 679 00:36:08,744 --> 00:36:11,414 and she's here wearing all of it tonight. 680 00:36:14,317 --> 00:36:16,219 Give her a big hand even though she already has two of them. 681 00:36:16,285 --> 00:36:17,987 Caitlyn Jenner. 682 00:36:18,087 --> 00:36:25,027 [upbeat music] 683 00:36:25,061 --> 00:36:28,197 - Oh, oh. That was funny. 684 00:36:28,264 --> 00:36:31,334 [people cheering] 685 00:36:31,400 --> 00:36:34,470 Take a good look, kids. 686 00:36:34,537 --> 00:36:36,305 This is what happens 687 00:36:36,372 --> 00:36:39,442 when you eat your Wheaties every morning. 688 00:36:39,509 --> 00:36:41,677 [laughter] 689 00:36:46,048 --> 00:36:49,418 Sean, you're doing a great job. 690 00:36:49,485 --> 00:36:51,954 The only thing working harder than you right now 691 00:36:52,054 --> 00:36:54,123 are my Spanx, baby. 692 00:36:54,190 --> 00:36:56,359 [laughter] 693 00:36:56,425 --> 00:36:58,861 All of you are making these silly comments and jokes 694 00:36:58,928 --> 00:37:00,863 about how I kind of... 695 00:37:00,930 --> 00:37:03,065 cut it off. 696 00:37:03,132 --> 00:37:04,834 Let me remind you. 697 00:37:04,901 --> 00:37:07,503 It made Kylie Jenner, 698 00:37:07,570 --> 00:37:10,373 the youngest self-made billionaire in history. 699 00:37:10,439 --> 00:37:12,909 [cheers and applause] 700 00:37:14,410 --> 00:37:16,612 It made Kendall Jenner, 701 00:37:16,679 --> 00:37:21,117 the highest-paid model in the world. 702 00:37:21,184 --> 00:37:23,920 I raised ten children. 703 00:37:24,020 --> 00:37:28,724 I currently--well, I'm coming up on 20 grandchildren. 704 00:37:28,791 --> 00:37:33,262 I didn't cut it off. I just retired it. 705 00:37:33,329 --> 00:37:34,664 It was done! 706 00:37:40,503 --> 00:37:42,638 You know, as I look back and forth, 707 00:37:42,705 --> 00:37:45,374 I'm not the only one up here who's transitioned. 708 00:37:45,441 --> 00:37:47,376 I used to be Bruce Jenner, 709 00:37:47,443 --> 00:37:54,050 and Robert De Niro used to be Robert fucking De Niro! 710 00:37:56,752 --> 00:38:00,189 You call yourself an actor, Robert. 711 00:38:00,256 --> 00:38:05,394 For 60 years, I had everybody convinced I was a man. 712 00:38:05,461 --> 00:38:08,364 Now, that's acting. 713 00:38:16,172 --> 00:38:22,411 Ken Jeong, is it true your wife is named Tran Ho? 714 00:38:23,446 --> 00:38:25,081 Oh, I want to meet her! 715 00:38:25,148 --> 00:38:27,517 I mean, I'm waiting. I can't wait. 716 00:38:29,252 --> 00:38:32,155 I'll also want to say hello to Kendall's ex. 717 00:38:32,221 --> 00:38:34,023 You don't even have to say his name. 718 00:38:34,023 --> 00:38:35,358 It's just Kendall's ex. 719 00:38:35,424 --> 00:38:37,827 Anyway, Blake Griffin, Blake. 720 00:38:39,462 --> 00:38:43,232 Los Angeles to Detroit. 721 00:38:43,299 --> 00:38:44,500 Let me tell you, I can tell you 722 00:38:44,567 --> 00:38:47,270 a thing or two about switching teams. 723 00:38:49,372 --> 00:38:52,041 Yeah, you're a nice boy, and although it didn't work out 724 00:38:52,074 --> 00:38:54,310 between the two of you, you're always kind of welcome 725 00:38:54,377 --> 00:38:56,612 to come over to my home 726 00:38:56,679 --> 00:38:57,880 and know that you're the second-best 727 00:38:57,947 --> 00:38:59,749 athlete in the house. 728 00:39:09,058 --> 00:39:11,961 Look, there's a lot of hate in the world, 729 00:39:12,061 --> 00:39:14,964 but we can still laugh at ourselves. 730 00:39:15,064 --> 00:39:17,400 And honestly, that's why I'm here tonight. 731 00:39:17,466 --> 00:39:22,238 I've seen it all. I've even gotten threats. 732 00:39:22,305 --> 00:39:25,241 And I want other members of the trans community to know 733 00:39:25,308 --> 00:39:29,612 that if I'm strong enough to sit up here 734 00:39:29,679 --> 00:39:34,317 and be ridiculed all night that you can handle anything. 735 00:39:34,383 --> 00:39:37,854 [cheers and applause] 736 00:39:42,391 --> 00:39:46,462 Except listening to Adam Carolla's podcast. 737 00:39:46,529 --> 00:39:50,233 Oh, my God. That's torture. 738 00:39:54,403 --> 00:39:56,472 Adam Carolla is so boring. 739 00:39:56,539 --> 00:40:00,109 I've never seen a drier pussy in my life. 740 00:40:02,044 --> 00:40:04,881 And that's coming from me! 741 00:40:06,315 --> 00:40:08,851 You see, Adam? 742 00:40:08,918 --> 00:40:11,120 Women are funny. 743 00:40:17,760 --> 00:40:22,064 What can I say? I'm here because I love Alec. 744 00:40:22,064 --> 00:40:24,667 Yes, actually, 745 00:40:24,734 --> 00:40:29,138 I've known Alec for a long time and I consider him family. 746 00:40:29,205 --> 00:40:30,873 We go back. When I was Bruce, 747 00:40:31,007 --> 00:40:32,508 we were like brothers. 748 00:40:32,575 --> 00:40:34,343 So, well, I guess that's one more brother 749 00:40:34,410 --> 00:40:36,579 he'll never talk to again. 750 00:40:42,018 --> 00:40:43,786 To get serious about this, look. 751 00:40:43,853 --> 00:40:47,723 Some of you hate me just because I'm me. 752 00:40:47,790 --> 00:40:49,358 Some of you hate me because of 753 00:40:49,425 --> 00:40:51,561 the things I may have said in the past. 754 00:40:51,627 --> 00:40:54,297 Well, hey, I'm not perfect. 755 00:40:54,363 --> 00:40:57,066 I'm a person trying to figure out my life, 756 00:40:57,133 --> 00:40:59,335 just like everyone else. 757 00:40:59,402 --> 00:41:02,572 All I want is for future generations 758 00:41:02,638 --> 00:41:05,208 of transgendered people to know 759 00:41:05,274 --> 00:41:09,145 that if I can find the courage to be who I am, 760 00:41:09,212 --> 00:41:12,081 then you can too. 761 00:41:12,148 --> 00:41:13,749 [cheers and applause] 762 00:41:13,816 --> 00:41:15,518 If-- 763 00:41:18,120 --> 00:41:21,557 If you have a problem with that, 764 00:41:21,624 --> 00:41:24,227 then you can suck my dick. 765 00:41:24,293 --> 00:41:27,530 [cheers and applause] 766 00:41:27,597 --> 00:41:30,433 If you can find it! 767 00:41:31,534 --> 00:41:33,402 Thank you! 768 00:41:33,469 --> 00:41:35,705 [upbeat music] 769 00:41:35,771 --> 00:41:38,141 - Good stuff. Good stuff. 770 00:41:39,475 --> 00:41:42,845 Coming up, Robert De Niro and Ken Jeong. 771 00:41:42,912 --> 00:41:45,781 - We'll be slurring, drunk, and racial slurs. 772 00:41:45,848 --> 00:41:48,317 [both singing] Racial slurs! 773 00:41:50,086 --> 00:41:54,257 [upbeat music] 774 00:41:54,323 --> 00:41:57,026 - Welcome back to the Comedy Central Roast of Alec Baldwin. 775 00:41:57,093 --> 00:41:58,861 They say laughter is the best medicine, 776 00:41:58,928 --> 00:42:02,965 which explains why Dr. Ken is no longer practicing. 777 00:42:03,032 --> 00:42:04,434 In his head, he's a doctor, 778 00:42:04,500 --> 00:42:06,402 but in his crotch, he's a shrink. 779 00:42:06,469 --> 00:42:08,771 [laughter] 780 00:42:08,838 --> 00:42:10,373 Count backward from 100, 781 00:42:10,440 --> 00:42:13,709 and we'll wake you when this painful procedure is over. 782 00:42:13,776 --> 00:42:16,813 Give it up for Hackie Chan, Ken Jeong. 783 00:42:16,879 --> 00:42:17,980 [upbeat music] 784 00:42:18,047 --> 00:42:20,750 - [singing] We about to blow 785 00:42:20,817 --> 00:42:22,218 We about to blow 786 00:42:22,285 --> 00:42:23,920 [cheers and applause] 787 00:42:23,986 --> 00:42:26,656 We about to blow 788 00:42:28,057 --> 00:42:30,726 - Thank you so much. It is so great to be here. 789 00:42:30,793 --> 00:42:32,695 I'm on--I'm a judge on "The Masked Singer," 790 00:42:32,762 --> 00:42:34,831 so it's nice to be on another show 791 00:42:34,897 --> 00:42:39,235 where you have to guess who the celebrities are, so... 792 00:42:39,302 --> 00:42:41,671 Caitlyn Jenner. Okay, oh, boy, strap it on. 793 00:42:41,737 --> 00:42:44,574 Um... 794 00:42:44,640 --> 00:42:47,577 I can see why Caitlyn decided to transition. 795 00:42:47,643 --> 00:42:50,179 She's been a celebrity craving privacy, 796 00:42:50,246 --> 00:42:54,383 so she became something that society was destined to ignore: 797 00:42:54,450 --> 00:42:59,188 a 70-year-old woman. Now... 798 00:42:59,255 --> 00:43:00,857 I'm kidding. You look great. 799 00:43:00,990 --> 00:43:02,592 You look like the drummer for White Snake. 800 00:43:02,658 --> 00:43:04,393 I don't know what-- 801 00:43:04,460 --> 00:43:06,429 [laughs] 802 00:43:08,564 --> 00:43:11,901 Robert De Niro, one of our generation's finest actors. 803 00:43:12,001 --> 00:43:15,004 But let's face it, your recent movies have been so shitty, 804 00:43:15,004 --> 00:43:17,206 I'm surprised I'm not in them. 805 00:43:17,273 --> 00:43:19,442 Now... 806 00:43:19,509 --> 00:43:22,278 Blake Griffin, a black guy who looks white 807 00:43:22,345 --> 00:43:23,846 with red hair and freckles. 808 00:43:23,913 --> 00:43:26,249 And by the way, congrats on booking "The Little Mermaid." 809 00:43:26,315 --> 00:43:28,017 Now... 810 00:43:30,686 --> 00:43:33,222 I look at Blake and I think, hmm. 811 00:43:33,289 --> 00:43:38,027 Orange is the new black. Yeah. 812 00:43:40,396 --> 00:43:42,198 Yeah. 813 00:43:42,265 --> 00:43:45,301 Caroline Rhea. 814 00:43:45,368 --> 00:43:46,903 [laughter] 815 00:43:47,036 --> 00:43:48,971 You look like Adele. 816 00:43:48,971 --> 00:43:51,474 Computer. Now... 817 00:43:51,541 --> 00:43:54,510 [laughter] 818 00:43:54,577 --> 00:43:56,679 Alec's wife is so young, 819 00:43:56,746 --> 00:43:59,115 he introduces them as "23 and me." 820 00:43:59,182 --> 00:44:00,383 Now... 821 00:44:03,152 --> 00:44:05,455 Alec's daughter Ireland is here. 822 00:44:05,521 --> 00:44:07,256 She might as well be named Zimbabwe, 823 00:44:07,323 --> 00:44:08,758 given the distance between them. 824 00:44:08,825 --> 00:44:09,892 Am I right? 825 00:44:13,729 --> 00:44:16,065 But we're really here to celebrate the real star 826 00:44:16,132 --> 00:44:18,134 of "30 Rock" and "SNL," 827 00:44:18,201 --> 00:44:21,170 but let's be honest, Tina Fey said no. 828 00:44:22,872 --> 00:44:25,208 Alec, no offense, but you weren't the star of "30 Rock." 829 00:44:25,274 --> 00:44:27,510 And with De Niro here, you're not even the star 830 00:44:27,577 --> 00:44:28,845 of your own fucking roast, you know? 831 00:44:28,911 --> 00:44:32,448 It's like-- and it's like, I'm sorry. 832 00:44:32,515 --> 00:44:33,683 You know what I mean? 833 00:44:33,749 --> 00:44:36,886 [cheers and applause] 834 00:44:37,019 --> 00:44:39,088 And, like, with Justin Bieber as your nephew, 835 00:44:39,155 --> 00:44:40,757 you're not even the star of your own fucking family. 836 00:44:40,823 --> 00:44:43,059 It's just like-- 837 00:44:43,126 --> 00:44:44,227 It's sad-- 838 00:44:44,293 --> 00:44:45,561 [mimicking Alec as Trump] Sad! 839 00:44:45,628 --> 00:44:46,662 Or whatever you do. 840 00:44:49,599 --> 00:44:51,768 Alec, in all seriousness, I first met you 841 00:44:51,834 --> 00:44:54,804 at a Stand Up to Cancer benefit a few years ago 842 00:44:54,871 --> 00:44:56,239 where you hosted it, 843 00:44:56,305 --> 00:44:58,341 and your compassion and connection 844 00:44:58,407 --> 00:45:01,244 to every single cancer survivor in the room 845 00:45:01,310 --> 00:45:03,045 still moves me to this day. 846 00:45:03,112 --> 00:45:04,981 And thank you for letting me be a part of this. 847 00:45:05,014 --> 00:45:06,983 It's an honor. Thank you, sir. Thank you. 848 00:45:07,049 --> 00:45:09,218 Thank you, sir. Thank you, sir. 849 00:45:09,285 --> 00:45:10,486 Thank you. 850 00:45:10,553 --> 00:45:13,289 [cheers and applause] 851 00:45:18,661 --> 00:45:20,630 - This next roaster is a surprise, 852 00:45:20,696 --> 00:45:24,400 and, Alec, you are in for such a treat. 853 00:45:24,467 --> 00:45:28,004 Live, from your first marriage, it's Ireland Baldwin. 854 00:45:28,004 --> 00:45:29,705 - Oh! 855 00:45:29,772 --> 00:45:35,511 [upbeat music] 856 00:45:35,578 --> 00:45:38,481 [cheers and applause] 857 00:45:44,454 --> 00:45:46,589 - Hi, Dad. 858 00:45:46,656 --> 00:45:48,224 I'm Ireland. 859 00:45:52,061 --> 00:45:53,763 It's good to be here. 860 00:45:53,830 --> 00:45:56,032 I almost didn't even know about it because I haven't 861 00:45:56,099 --> 00:45:58,401 checked my voice mails from my dad 862 00:45:58,468 --> 00:46:02,338 from the last, like, 12 years or something. 863 00:46:02,405 --> 00:46:05,041 I actually have a lot in common with the people on this roast 864 00:46:05,108 --> 00:46:06,576 because like them, I don't really 865 00:46:06,642 --> 00:46:07,977 know you that well either. 866 00:46:08,010 --> 00:46:10,246 [audience groaning] 867 00:46:10,313 --> 00:46:11,647 While a lot of people know my dad 868 00:46:11,714 --> 00:46:14,117 as that guy from the "Mission: Impossible" movies 869 00:46:14,183 --> 00:46:16,018 or that guy from "30 Rock," 870 00:46:16,085 --> 00:46:18,554 I know him as that guy from, like, 871 00:46:18,621 --> 00:46:20,990 half of my birthday parties. 872 00:46:22,825 --> 00:46:24,494 It was, like, half. 873 00:46:27,897 --> 00:46:29,532 By the way, "Mission: Impossible" 874 00:46:29,599 --> 00:46:32,502 is what I call getting my dad to apologize. 875 00:46:38,908 --> 00:46:40,676 A lot of people only know my dad 876 00:46:40,743 --> 00:46:43,379 as an angry guy, but he's more than some lunatic 877 00:46:43,446 --> 00:46:45,047 who loses his temper. 878 00:46:45,114 --> 00:46:48,518 He also loses Emmys and Oscars 879 00:46:48,584 --> 00:46:51,053 and custody of his firstborn child. 880 00:46:51,120 --> 00:46:54,424 Am I right? Shit. 881 00:46:57,560 --> 00:46:59,629 But listen, let me just set the record straight. 882 00:46:59,695 --> 00:47:01,364 He was a great dad. 883 00:47:01,431 --> 00:47:03,433 I still remember when he would tuck me in 884 00:47:03,499 --> 00:47:07,170 and yell me a bedtime story. 885 00:47:07,236 --> 00:47:09,806 My absolute favorite and his favorite, 886 00:47:09,872 --> 00:47:12,642 "The Three Little Thoughtless Pigs." 887 00:47:12,708 --> 00:47:14,477 [audience clamoring] 888 00:47:17,980 --> 00:47:20,883 Dad, your "Always be closing" speech 889 00:47:20,983 --> 00:47:23,186 in "Glengarry Glen Ross" was great. 890 00:47:23,252 --> 00:47:26,255 At least you taught someone their ABCs, right? 891 00:47:28,357 --> 00:47:30,359 It hasn't been easy being the daughter 892 00:47:30,426 --> 00:47:33,362 of an iconic movie star. 893 00:47:33,429 --> 00:47:35,798 But I'm not here to talk about my mother. 894 00:47:35,865 --> 00:47:38,134 [cheers and applause] 895 00:47:47,310 --> 00:47:49,745 Or her Oscar. 896 00:47:52,281 --> 00:47:55,151 I'm here to talk to you, Dad, finally, 897 00:47:55,218 --> 00:47:57,587 without a court-appointed social worker. 898 00:47:57,653 --> 00:48:00,690 It's so nice that we can do that. 899 00:48:00,757 --> 00:48:03,259 That's so sweet. Um, it's okay. 900 00:48:03,326 --> 00:48:05,161 I turned out fine. I've been modeling, 901 00:48:05,228 --> 00:48:06,395 which is a really fun gig. 902 00:48:06,462 --> 00:48:09,098 Honestly, it's just nice for a Baldwin 903 00:48:09,165 --> 00:48:11,067 to be on a runway without starting beef 904 00:48:11,134 --> 00:48:12,435 with American Airlines. 905 00:48:17,573 --> 00:48:19,809 I was so surprised-- 906 00:48:24,180 --> 00:48:27,216 I was so surprised when I heard about that plane incident. 907 00:48:27,283 --> 00:48:29,218 I mean, why would you even start shit 908 00:48:29,285 --> 00:48:32,455 with the one place that's still playing your movies? 909 00:48:41,631 --> 00:48:46,836 It's nice to see some new faces and some older faces 910 00:48:46,903 --> 00:48:50,573 and some newly reconstructed faces. 911 00:48:50,640 --> 00:48:52,508 A lot of people don't know this-- 912 00:48:52,575 --> 00:48:55,711 [laughter] 913 00:48:55,778 --> 00:48:58,681 A lot of people don't know this, but when I was a kid, 914 00:48:58,748 --> 00:49:02,318 Caitlyn Jenner was my middle school track coach. 915 00:49:02,385 --> 00:49:05,488 You taught me to jump over the greatest hurdle of all, 916 00:49:05,555 --> 00:49:07,323 which is my father's approval. 917 00:49:07,390 --> 00:49:10,193 [laughter] 918 00:49:12,428 --> 00:49:13,763 Do you know what it's like 919 00:49:13,830 --> 00:49:16,432 having a gold medal athlete as your track coach? 920 00:49:16,499 --> 00:49:18,134 Blake, you get it, right? 921 00:49:18,201 --> 00:49:19,569 You've disappointed a Jenner 922 00:49:19,635 --> 00:49:22,004 that's completely out of your league. 923 00:49:26,109 --> 00:49:27,343 - Did he really date your daughter? 924 00:49:27,410 --> 00:49:30,079 - Yeah. - He did? 925 00:49:30,146 --> 00:49:31,247 - You should have married her. 926 00:49:31,314 --> 00:49:33,216 And now you're never gonna get a ring. 927 00:49:33,282 --> 00:49:35,885 [audience groaning] 928 00:49:37,386 --> 00:49:39,555 It's good to be here, but it would have been nice 929 00:49:39,622 --> 00:49:41,324 to have the whole family here. 930 00:49:41,390 --> 00:49:44,427 Unfortunately, Comedy Central couldn't arrange for this roast 931 00:49:44,494 --> 00:49:47,130 to be held in 1997. 932 00:49:48,931 --> 00:49:50,967 Oh, wait, and speaking of things 933 00:49:51,033 --> 00:49:54,437 that weren't held in 1997-- 934 00:50:01,477 --> 00:50:03,346 But seriously, Dad, I'm so proud of you. 935 00:50:03,412 --> 00:50:06,149 You're a wonderful father and an amazing actor, 936 00:50:06,215 --> 00:50:09,952 and I'm thrilled to be here to see you celebrated tonight. 937 00:50:09,986 --> 00:50:12,688 After all the years of giving verbal abuse, 938 00:50:12,755 --> 00:50:15,525 it's finally time you received some. 939 00:50:17,994 --> 00:50:19,395 Right? 940 00:50:19,462 --> 00:50:20,830 Shit. 941 00:50:22,965 --> 00:50:25,134 So before I leave, I'd just like to say something 942 00:50:25,201 --> 00:50:26,636 you've never said to me. 943 00:50:26,702 --> 00:50:28,471 Good night. 944 00:50:28,538 --> 00:50:29,739 [laughter] 945 00:50:29,806 --> 00:50:30,873 [upbeat music] 946 00:50:30,973 --> 00:50:33,810 - Well done. Well done. 947 00:50:33,876 --> 00:50:34,811 You did a good job, yeah. 948 00:50:34,877 --> 00:50:35,978 - Still to come... 949 00:50:36,045 --> 00:50:37,513 - You're very funny, you little bitch. 950 00:50:37,580 --> 00:50:40,216 - Adam Carolla and Robert De Niro. 951 00:50:40,283 --> 00:50:42,785 - Alec, I'm just sorry I couldn't say 952 00:50:42,852 --> 00:50:44,287 what I really wanted to say. 953 00:50:44,353 --> 00:50:45,488 Fuck you. 954 00:50:46,250 --> 00:50:49,653 [electronic music] 955 00:50:49,720 --> 00:50:52,055 - Welcome back to this bullshit. 956 00:50:54,458 --> 00:50:56,860 Our next roaster is Adam Carolla. 957 00:50:56,927 --> 00:50:59,863 [cheers and applause] 958 00:50:59,930 --> 00:51:02,432 He's known for his massive straight white teeth 959 00:51:02,499 --> 00:51:06,236 that dwarf his dwindling straight white audience. 960 00:51:06,303 --> 00:51:09,706 He was on "The Man Show" but was replaced by Joe Rogan. 961 00:51:09,773 --> 00:51:14,645 He had the number one podcast but was replaced by Joe Rogan. 962 00:51:14,711 --> 00:51:18,849 But he's here tonight because we couldn't get Joe Rogan. 963 00:51:18,916 --> 00:51:20,150 Adam Carolla. 964 00:51:20,217 --> 00:51:23,654 [rock music] 965 00:51:23,720 --> 00:51:26,757 [cheers and applause] 966 00:51:28,458 --> 00:51:31,128 - Oh, Sean Hayes, everybody. 967 00:51:31,195 --> 00:51:33,564 So funny. 968 00:51:33,630 --> 00:51:35,966 No, seriously, I love the gays. 969 00:51:36,033 --> 00:51:38,969 I've always kind of wondered what it'd be like 970 00:51:39,036 --> 00:51:42,573 being blown by a guy, and, um, 971 00:51:42,639 --> 00:51:46,944 I imagine it'd be a lot like wearing Crocs. 972 00:51:47,077 --> 00:51:49,646 Sure, it feels great. 973 00:51:51,148 --> 00:51:53,083 Until you look down. 974 00:51:56,954 --> 00:51:59,456 Here's how fucked up Hollywood is. 975 00:52:00,991 --> 00:52:03,627 Bruce Jenner announces he's transitioning 976 00:52:03,694 --> 00:52:06,096 and everybody applauds it, 977 00:52:06,096 --> 00:52:08,866 but when they find out he's a Republican, 978 00:52:08,932 --> 00:52:10,767 they're outraged. 979 00:52:13,904 --> 00:52:16,907 Cut your dick off, hero. 980 00:52:16,974 --> 00:52:19,610 Cut taxes, Hitler. 981 00:52:22,846 --> 00:52:24,948 You shouldn't be laughing at that shit. 982 00:52:28,919 --> 00:52:30,721 Ken Jeong. 983 00:52:30,787 --> 00:52:35,425 Ken, we all saw your tiny dick in "The Hangover." 984 00:52:35,492 --> 00:52:38,729 I haven't seen a dick that small 985 00:52:38,795 --> 00:52:42,165 since I took my nephew ice fishing. 986 00:52:48,205 --> 00:52:50,874 Let's move from small dicks to big names. 987 00:52:50,941 --> 00:52:53,076 Robert De Niro is here. 988 00:52:53,143 --> 00:52:54,678 [cheers and applause] 989 00:52:54,745 --> 00:52:57,147 Alec Baldwin here. 990 00:52:57,214 --> 00:52:59,650 Both amazing actors, 991 00:52:59,716 --> 00:53:02,085 but if I learned one thing 992 00:53:02,085 --> 00:53:06,490 from all the Harvey Weinstein stories, 993 00:53:06,557 --> 00:53:10,460 well, it's that pretty much anyone can act. 994 00:53:10,527 --> 00:53:14,164 I mean, what other profession works this way? 995 00:53:14,231 --> 00:53:17,267 You want to be a commercial airline pilot? 996 00:53:17,334 --> 00:53:19,469 Hmm, let me think. 997 00:53:19,536 --> 00:53:22,906 Okay, just blow that fat Jew. 998 00:53:25,943 --> 00:53:28,111 We'll have you up in the air by noon. 999 00:53:31,181 --> 00:53:33,217 This is your profession. 1000 00:53:33,283 --> 00:53:35,285 You wanna be a dental hygienist? 1001 00:53:35,352 --> 00:53:38,488 Watch that fat Jew beat off into a ficus plant. 1002 00:53:38,555 --> 00:53:39,990 We'll have you. 1003 00:53:41,925 --> 00:53:44,728 Bob, I know you're going through a tough divorce. 1004 00:53:46,063 --> 00:53:47,331 It's rough. 1005 00:53:47,397 --> 00:53:50,067 It's hard to meet ladies, especially at your age. 1006 00:53:50,067 --> 00:53:53,503 I mean, might I suggest the new dating app 1007 00:53:53,570 --> 00:53:55,939 for old fucks like yourself. 1008 00:53:56,073 --> 00:53:58,375 It's called carbon dating. 1009 00:54:01,979 --> 00:54:04,715 Don't worry. Carbon is black. 1010 00:54:06,316 --> 00:54:09,086 Robert just dates the sisters. 1011 00:54:10,220 --> 00:54:13,257 [cheers and applause] 1012 00:54:20,097 --> 00:54:23,333 On to the man of the hour, Alec Baldwin. 1013 00:54:23,400 --> 00:54:26,103 We all love Alec's impressions. 1014 00:54:26,169 --> 00:54:28,272 The impressions of Trump, 1015 00:54:28,338 --> 00:54:30,574 the impressions his ring leaves 1016 00:54:30,641 --> 00:54:33,477 on the foreheads of photographers. 1017 00:54:36,413 --> 00:54:41,418 So many classic lines over an amazing career. 1018 00:54:41,485 --> 00:54:43,787 "Coffee is for closers." 1019 00:54:43,854 --> 00:54:46,657 "You ask me if I have God complex. 1020 00:54:46,723 --> 00:54:49,059 I am God." 1021 00:54:49,126 --> 00:54:50,894 And who could forget, 1022 00:54:50,961 --> 00:54:53,063 "Welcome back to 'Match Game'"? 1023 00:54:57,401 --> 00:55:00,537 Alec, you're a great friend and a great actor, 1024 00:55:00,604 --> 00:55:03,774 and if I can rant for just one minute here, 1025 00:55:03,840 --> 00:55:05,142 you're a great sport. 1026 00:55:05,209 --> 00:55:07,144 You have a great sense of humor, 1027 00:55:07,211 --> 00:55:10,147 unlike the social justice warriors 1028 00:55:10,214 --> 00:55:12,583 who are gonna be out there tweeting that all 1029 00:55:12,649 --> 00:55:14,751 the jokes are "problematic." 1030 00:55:14,818 --> 00:55:19,256 You people can blow me, you pussy fuck sticks. 1031 00:55:19,323 --> 00:55:22,359 [cheers and applause] 1032 00:55:23,160 --> 00:55:24,895 This is a goddamn roast. 1033 00:55:24,962 --> 00:55:28,465 Comedians need a place where they can be offensive 1034 00:55:28,532 --> 00:55:32,102 without your bullshit fake outrage, 1035 00:55:32,102 --> 00:55:35,138 you hashtag heroes. 1036 00:55:35,205 --> 00:55:37,507 You already ruined the Oscars. 1037 00:55:39,676 --> 00:55:42,179 You're all woke and no joke! 1038 00:55:44,181 --> 00:55:48,285 So if you were offended by anything said tonight, 1039 00:55:48,352 --> 00:55:52,923 please give a reach-around to your emotional support dog 1040 00:55:53,056 --> 00:55:55,192 and shut the fuck up. 1041 00:55:55,259 --> 00:55:58,295 [cheers and applause] 1042 00:56:00,063 --> 00:56:04,835 This is our safe space, bitches. 1043 00:56:04,902 --> 00:56:08,438 But even if the cancel culture wins, 1044 00:56:08,505 --> 00:56:13,844 Jeff Ross would still be the roastmaster. 1045 00:56:13,911 --> 00:56:15,312 - Thank you, Adam. Thank you. 1046 00:56:15,379 --> 00:56:19,082 - At the Arby's in Glendale. 1047 00:56:19,116 --> 00:56:20,817 Thank you very much. Love you, bud. 1048 00:56:20,884 --> 00:56:22,653 [upbeat music] 1049 00:56:22,719 --> 00:56:25,556 - That was fucking great, man. That was great. 1050 00:56:27,457 --> 00:56:29,826 Still to come: Alec Baldwin, 1051 00:56:29,893 --> 00:56:31,094 Robert De Niro, 1052 00:56:31,094 --> 00:56:32,329 and Jeff Ross. 1053 00:56:32,396 --> 00:56:33,497 - I just wanna keep roasting him 1054 00:56:33,564 --> 00:56:35,299 until he punches me in the face. 1055 00:56:37,167 --> 00:56:41,137 [upbeat music] 1056 00:56:41,204 --> 00:56:43,006 - Robert De Niro is considered 1057 00:56:43,073 --> 00:56:45,075 one of the greatest living actors. 1058 00:56:45,141 --> 00:56:47,244 [cheers and applause] 1059 00:56:47,310 --> 00:56:49,112 Yeah. 1060 00:56:49,179 --> 00:56:52,082 "The Deer Hunter," "Godfather II," 1061 00:56:52,148 --> 00:56:53,884 "Raging Bull," 1062 00:56:53,950 --> 00:56:55,385 these are all the types of movies 1063 00:56:55,452 --> 00:56:58,054 he stopped doing long ago. 1064 00:56:58,121 --> 00:57:00,557 He's won two Oscars and his balls are nominated 1065 00:57:00,624 --> 00:57:03,460 for a SAG award, Robert De Niro. 1066 00:57:03,527 --> 00:57:10,100 [rock music] 1067 00:57:10,167 --> 00:57:12,903 [cheers and applause] 1068 00:57:12,969 --> 00:57:14,437 - [chuckles] 1069 00:57:14,504 --> 00:57:17,274 [cheers and applause] 1070 00:57:23,513 --> 00:57:25,048 I know. 1071 00:57:26,249 --> 00:57:27,450 I know. 1072 00:57:27,517 --> 00:57:29,019 [laughter] 1073 00:57:30,487 --> 00:57:32,389 What the fuck am I doing here? 1074 00:57:35,458 --> 00:57:37,327 This is like that Moscow hotel room 1075 00:57:37,394 --> 00:57:40,363 where a bunch of whores pissed all over Donald Trump. 1076 00:57:42,532 --> 00:57:46,303 I mean, this is what you get for being Alec's friend. 1077 00:57:47,637 --> 00:57:50,073 On nights like these, you expect your friends-- 1078 00:57:50,106 --> 00:57:53,176 the people you've worked with closely--to show up. 1079 00:57:53,243 --> 00:57:54,811 Tina Fey, Tracy Morgan, 1080 00:57:54,878 --> 00:57:58,281 Thomas the Tank Engine, Meryl Streep. 1081 00:57:59,316 --> 00:58:00,784 Not one. 1082 00:58:00,851 --> 00:58:03,787 Instead we have a group-- [laughs] 1083 00:58:03,854 --> 00:58:06,256 You can't even find them on, uh, Wikipedia. 1084 00:58:06,323 --> 00:58:09,593 [laughs] 1085 00:58:09,659 --> 00:58:12,495 And--and, like, who are these people? 1086 00:58:12,562 --> 00:58:14,998 I mean, who the fuck are you? 1087 00:58:15,098 --> 00:58:17,100 [laughter] 1088 00:58:17,100 --> 00:58:20,237 I mean, Ann Coulter, everybody. 1089 00:58:20,303 --> 00:58:22,472 [laughter] 1090 00:58:22,539 --> 00:58:25,575 [cheers and applause] 1091 00:58:28,345 --> 00:58:31,114 Nikki is what's known as a dirty comedian, 1092 00:58:31,181 --> 00:58:32,549 and I don't mean her material. 1093 00:58:32,616 --> 00:58:35,952 I mean she hasn't washed her pussy since Memorial Day. 1094 00:58:40,190 --> 00:58:41,591 Caroline Rhea. 1095 00:58:41,658 --> 00:58:43,126 Caroline. 1096 00:58:44,761 --> 00:58:49,799 Caroline did over 160 episodes of "Sabrina the Teenage Witch." 1097 00:58:49,866 --> 00:58:51,468 That's a lot of teenagers. 1098 00:58:52,869 --> 00:58:55,305 Not R. Kelly numbers, but still. 1099 00:58:57,340 --> 00:58:58,742 Pretty impressive. 1100 00:59:00,443 --> 00:59:03,280 Sean Hayes. Where's Sean Hayes? 1101 00:59:03,346 --> 00:59:06,917 Over here. [laughs] 1102 00:59:06,983 --> 00:59:08,385 I was in "Goodfellas," 1103 00:59:08,451 --> 00:59:13,089 and I'm guessing Sean has also been in good fellas... 1104 00:59:13,156 --> 00:59:16,393 uh, and some bad fellas 1105 00:59:16,459 --> 00:59:21,198 and more than a few sailors, I'm sure. 1106 00:59:21,264 --> 00:59:22,599 Caitlyn Jenner. 1107 00:59:22,666 --> 00:59:24,134 Now, there's something different about you, 1108 00:59:24,201 --> 00:59:27,804 but I--I can't I can't put my finger in it. 1109 00:59:32,609 --> 00:59:36,613 - Yes, you can! - [laughs] 1110 00:59:36,680 --> 00:59:38,448 - Yes, you can! 1111 00:59:38,515 --> 00:59:39,850 - [laughs] 1112 00:59:39,916 --> 00:59:42,419 Comedy Central wanted to have Caitlyn on a roast 1113 00:59:42,485 --> 00:59:45,956 after her surgery so now they can pay her 20% less. 1114 00:59:52,629 --> 00:59:55,131 When I did "Raging Bull," I had to gain 60 pounds 1115 00:59:55,198 --> 00:59:58,668 in four months. Jeff, what's your excuse? 1116 00:59:58,735 --> 01:00:01,238 [laughs] 1117 01:00:01,304 --> 01:00:04,374 Ken Jeong once stopped his stand-up show 1118 01:00:04,441 --> 01:00:06,910 to help a woman in the audience who was having a seizure. 1119 01:00:06,977 --> 01:00:09,546 Hey, if a seizure is what it takes to stop him 1120 01:00:09,613 --> 01:00:11,214 from doing stand-up, I'm for that. 1121 01:00:11,281 --> 01:00:15,685 - [laughs] 1122 01:00:15,752 --> 01:00:17,487 - Adam Carolla. 1123 01:00:17,554 --> 01:00:22,092 Adam promotes a drink called the Brosé Cocktail. 1124 01:00:22,158 --> 01:00:24,528 Finally, a light, refreshing summer drink 1125 01:00:24,594 --> 01:00:26,396 for date rapists. 1126 01:00:31,101 --> 01:00:36,540 And now for the only true movie star on this stage, 1127 01:00:36,606 --> 01:00:37,774 me. 1128 01:00:44,181 --> 01:00:47,651 Critics say I have a unique quality as an actor. 1129 01:00:47,717 --> 01:00:51,121 I actually like Alec Baldwin, 1130 01:00:51,188 --> 01:00:53,056 and I'm happy to be here for Alec, 1131 01:00:53,123 --> 01:00:56,226 but honestly, I'm here to teach Chris Redd, Caitlyn Jenner, 1132 01:00:56,293 --> 01:00:58,762 and Blake Griffin how to fuck black women. 1133 01:01:08,905 --> 01:01:10,907 Here's an historical fact. 1134 01:01:10,974 --> 01:01:14,845 Alec's ancestors came over on the "Mayflower." 1135 01:01:14,911 --> 01:01:18,982 Alec's great-great-great- great-great-grandfather 1136 01:01:19,082 --> 01:01:20,617 was the first white man to punch 1137 01:01:20,684 --> 01:01:22,652 a Native American in the face. 1138 01:01:24,721 --> 01:01:26,189 That's a fact. 1139 01:01:26,256 --> 01:01:29,092 Now Alec is doing it to paparazzi. 1140 01:01:29,092 --> 01:01:30,694 And he doesn't care who he hits. 1141 01:01:30,760 --> 01:01:34,464 I once saw him take a selfie and punch his own face. 1142 01:01:38,802 --> 01:01:42,205 You've starred in huge blockbuster movies, Alec, 1143 01:01:42,272 --> 01:01:45,542 and now you're hosting a fucking game show? 1144 01:01:45,609 --> 01:01:47,377 I'd say you're about a year and a half away 1145 01:01:47,444 --> 01:01:50,046 from doing commercials for reverse mortgages. 1146 01:01:50,113 --> 01:01:51,882 [chuckles] 1147 01:01:52,849 --> 01:01:56,253 One thing I love about Alec is that like the Subway pizza rat 1148 01:01:56,319 --> 01:01:58,955 and crazy people fighting over parking spaces, 1149 01:01:59,055 --> 01:02:01,858 he's quintessential New York. 1150 01:02:01,925 --> 01:02:03,727 He is. 1151 01:02:05,161 --> 01:02:06,329 Kinda like Woody Allen, 1152 01:02:06,396 --> 01:02:08,198 except Alec only screamed at his daughter 1153 01:02:08,265 --> 01:02:09,733 and Woody, well, uh, I don't know. 1154 01:02:09,799 --> 01:02:11,468 He--I don't know. 1155 01:02:16,439 --> 01:02:19,409 Alec, I wanna thank you for inviting me to do this. 1156 01:02:19,476 --> 01:02:21,444 Now "Rocky and Bullwinkle" won't be the most 1157 01:02:21,511 --> 01:02:23,113 embarrassing thing I've ever done. 1158 01:02:25,615 --> 01:02:27,484 And I have to mention Alec's great portrayal 1159 01:02:27,551 --> 01:02:29,486 of Donald Trump on "SNL." 1160 01:02:29,553 --> 01:02:31,488 He fucking nails it... 1161 01:02:31,555 --> 01:02:35,091 [cheers and applause] 1162 01:02:35,091 --> 01:02:38,328 Exposing Trump for the ridiculous malignant narcissist 1163 01:02:38,395 --> 01:02:40,430 bully sociopath he is. 1164 01:02:40,497 --> 01:02:43,533 [cheers and applause] 1165 01:02:45,068 --> 01:02:47,604 It's not fair, though, because Alec doesn't even have 1166 01:02:47,671 --> 01:02:49,372 to act to do that. 1167 01:02:49,439 --> 01:02:51,708 Al--Alec, you're so convincing, 1168 01:02:51,775 --> 01:02:55,612 I wanna punch both of you in the face. 1169 01:02:55,679 --> 01:02:58,181 Alec, it's been a privilege playing Robert Mueller 1170 01:02:58,248 --> 01:03:00,183 to your Donald Trump. 1171 01:03:02,118 --> 01:03:05,222 I just wish Mueller had roasted Trump as frankly 1172 01:03:05,288 --> 01:03:08,225 and ferociously as we roasted you. 1173 01:03:10,260 --> 01:03:11,862 Alec, you're a good sport, 1174 01:03:11,928 --> 01:03:13,230 and I know I've been rough on you, 1175 01:03:13,296 --> 01:03:16,500 but I also love you, and I say that now because 1176 01:03:16,566 --> 01:03:18,602 like Robert Kraft at a massage parlor, 1177 01:03:18,668 --> 01:03:21,738 I want my roast to have a happy ending. 1178 01:03:21,805 --> 01:03:23,740 [laughs] 1179 01:03:23,807 --> 01:03:25,308 Salut. 1180 01:03:25,375 --> 01:03:29,145 [rock music] 1181 01:03:38,588 --> 01:03:40,757 - Coming up, Jeff Ross. 1182 01:03:40,824 --> 01:03:43,093 - Always be closing. I'm closing the roast tonight. 1183 01:03:43,159 --> 01:03:45,028 - And Alec Baldwin. 1184 01:03:45,028 --> 01:03:46,463 - What's with this tie? 1185 01:03:46,530 --> 01:03:48,265 Do we have any, uh, Tie-agra? 1186 01:03:50,100 --> 01:03:52,102 [upbeat music] 1187 01:03:52,169 --> 01:03:55,071 - Welcome back to the Comedy Central Roast of Alec Baldwin. 1188 01:03:55,138 --> 01:03:57,340 This is my least favorite part of the roast because 1189 01:03:57,407 --> 01:04:00,444 now I have to spend five minutes sitting over there 1190 01:04:00,510 --> 01:04:04,247 in the stinking hot ass mark left by Jeff Ross. 1191 01:04:05,315 --> 01:04:08,685 Give it up for roastmaster general Jeff Ross. 1192 01:04:08,752 --> 01:04:09,753 [chuckles] 1193 01:04:09,820 --> 01:04:16,760 [rock music] 1194 01:04:16,827 --> 01:04:20,263 - Thank you, everybody. Happy roast, everyone. 1195 01:04:20,330 --> 01:04:22,132 Happy roast. 1196 01:04:22,199 --> 01:04:25,068 What a crowd! 1197 01:04:25,135 --> 01:04:28,071 Here I am again following fucking De Niro. 1198 01:04:29,506 --> 01:04:31,975 Great job, Aging Bull. 1199 01:04:33,944 --> 01:04:35,512 I learned something tonight. 1200 01:04:35,579 --> 01:04:38,115 Alec is the name you give your son if you want him 1201 01:04:38,181 --> 01:04:40,183 to grow up and be an asshole. 1202 01:04:43,120 --> 01:04:45,622 Caitlyn, you were fucking awesome tonight. 1203 01:04:45,689 --> 01:04:46,990 I just wanna say that. 1204 01:04:47,057 --> 01:04:49,359 You were really awesome tonight. 1205 01:04:52,996 --> 01:04:56,099 But I wouldn't fuck you with Bruce Jenner's dick. 1206 01:04:59,836 --> 01:05:03,006 Remember when your picture was on Wheaties boxes 1207 01:05:03,039 --> 01:05:05,809 back when people could still look at you when they eat? 1208 01:05:09,913 --> 01:05:12,549 How about a hand for our guest of honor, 1209 01:05:12,616 --> 01:05:14,785 Mr. Alec "Bobblehead" Baldwin? 1210 01:05:14,851 --> 01:05:18,021 [cheers and applause] 1211 01:05:18,655 --> 01:05:21,258 Alec is actually my neighbor in Greenwich Village, 1212 01:05:21,324 --> 01:05:22,726 which was a pretty safe neighborhood 1213 01:05:22,793 --> 01:05:24,227 until you fucking moved in. 1214 01:05:25,562 --> 01:05:26,830 You're a big star. 1215 01:05:26,897 --> 01:05:29,199 I watched you get arrested for punching a guy 1216 01:05:29,266 --> 01:05:30,567 over a parking spot. 1217 01:05:31,868 --> 01:05:33,270 Next time, valet your car 1218 01:05:33,336 --> 01:05:34,905 and help your brother's business. 1219 01:05:37,474 --> 01:05:39,276 Help a brother out, Alec! 1220 01:05:41,044 --> 01:05:44,881 I'm speaking as a big fan. I love all your movies, Alec. 1221 01:05:44,948 --> 01:05:46,950 I loved you in "The Departed," 1222 01:05:47,050 --> 01:05:49,252 which is also what Caitlyn calls her penis. 1223 01:05:50,987 --> 01:05:53,590 And of course, Alec, you got your Oscar nomination 1224 01:05:53,657 --> 01:05:54,991 for "The Cooler," 1225 01:05:55,025 --> 01:05:57,093 which is where Caitlyn keeps her penis. 1226 01:06:00,864 --> 01:06:02,232 And of course, your first big break 1227 01:06:02,299 --> 01:06:03,900 was "The Hunt for Red October," 1228 01:06:04,000 --> 01:06:06,369 which is what Caitlyn calls her vagina. 1229 01:06:09,206 --> 01:06:12,175 Alec, I first saw you in the movie "Pearl Harbor," 1230 01:06:12,242 --> 01:06:15,745 which was worse than the actual Pearl Harbor. 1231 01:06:17,414 --> 01:06:20,016 Halfway through, I was rooting for the Japanese. 1232 01:06:22,385 --> 01:06:24,020 Any fans of Alec Baldwin's 1233 01:06:24,020 --> 01:06:26,356 Donald Trump impression here tonight? 1234 01:06:26,423 --> 01:06:28,158 [cheers and applause] Okay. 1235 01:06:28,225 --> 01:06:30,060 Okay. 1236 01:06:30,127 --> 01:06:31,528 What a lot of people don't realize is that 1237 01:06:31,595 --> 01:06:33,096 for the last three years, 1238 01:06:33,163 --> 01:06:36,133 Donald Trump is actually doing an Alec Baldwin impression. 1239 01:06:37,734 --> 01:06:41,037 He calls people names, he yells at the press, 1240 01:06:41,104 --> 01:06:43,840 he married an immigrant half his age. 1241 01:06:45,642 --> 01:06:48,044 The only difference is that Trump calls his daughter a fox, 1242 01:06:48,044 --> 01:06:49,746 not a pig. 1243 01:06:52,682 --> 01:06:54,084 Here's to you, Ireland. 1244 01:06:54,151 --> 01:06:56,887 Great job, Ireland. You didn't oink once. 1245 01:06:59,289 --> 01:07:01,258 What a babe. I love that movie. 1246 01:07:05,195 --> 01:07:07,764 Bob, this is nothing for you. You've seen it all. 1247 01:07:07,831 --> 01:07:09,399 Robert De Niro's been around so long, 1248 01:07:09,466 --> 01:07:11,268 he was God's father. 1249 01:07:15,005 --> 01:07:16,773 Bob, I have to give you props. 1250 01:07:16,840 --> 01:07:19,443 You're owner of my favorite sushi restaurant. 1251 01:07:19,509 --> 01:07:21,578 Any fans of Nobu? 1252 01:07:21,645 --> 01:07:22,879 Yeah. 1253 01:07:23,013 --> 01:07:24,748 I love that place. 1254 01:07:24,815 --> 01:07:26,850 By the way, Nobu is also what 1255 01:07:26,917 --> 01:07:28,819 Bob's girlfriend says when he asks her 1256 01:07:28,885 --> 01:07:31,154 to dress up like sexy Harriet Tubman. 1257 01:07:31,221 --> 01:07:32,889 [laughs] 1258 01:07:34,724 --> 01:07:36,293 No, boo! 1259 01:07:40,197 --> 01:07:41,798 Caroline Rhea. 1260 01:07:41,865 --> 01:07:44,301 I--this is my friend for a long time. 1261 01:07:44,367 --> 01:07:45,669 I love this woman so much. 1262 01:07:45,735 --> 01:07:47,504 You look like the schoolteacher 1263 01:07:47,571 --> 01:07:50,006 all the kids hide behind during a shooting. 1264 01:07:50,073 --> 01:07:53,110 [laughter] 1265 01:07:54,978 --> 01:07:57,481 If you don't know Chris Redd's work on "Saturday Night Live," 1266 01:07:57,547 --> 01:07:59,983 he does all the impressions that Kenan Thompson 1267 01:08:00,050 --> 01:08:01,818 is too fat to play. 1268 01:08:06,523 --> 01:08:09,292 Big future, bro. Big future. 1269 01:08:09,359 --> 01:08:12,562 You look like a blind kid tried to draw Michael B. Jordan. 1270 01:08:12,629 --> 01:08:15,665 [laughter] 1271 01:08:17,100 --> 01:08:20,237 And I say that with affection. 1272 01:08:21,838 --> 01:08:25,509 Adam Carolla, very interesting podcast tonight. 1273 01:08:26,910 --> 01:08:28,879 [laughs] 1274 01:08:29,012 --> 01:08:30,380 Oh, come on, Adam. 1275 01:08:30,447 --> 01:08:32,749 I love you. You were great tonight, 1276 01:08:32,816 --> 01:08:34,050 but you gotta own up to it. 1277 01:08:34,117 --> 01:08:36,019 You once said, "Women aren't funny." 1278 01:08:36,019 --> 01:08:37,487 Well, let me tell you something. 1279 01:08:37,554 --> 01:08:39,456 They are, and you should have hired some 1280 01:08:39,523 --> 01:08:41,024 to write your jokes tonight. 1281 01:08:41,024 --> 01:08:43,193 [cheers and applause] 1282 01:08:43,260 --> 01:08:46,530 - Oh, fuck you. Fuck you. 1283 01:08:54,404 --> 01:08:56,039 - Hi, Nikki. 1284 01:08:57,574 --> 01:08:59,276 You look great tonight. 1285 01:08:59,342 --> 01:09:02,145 You look like the photo that Caitlyn showed her doctor. 1286 01:09:02,212 --> 01:09:04,314 - [laughs] 1287 01:09:06,249 --> 01:09:08,285 - Great to see my pal Ken Jeong. 1288 01:09:08,351 --> 01:09:10,353 Ken is a doctor, a comic, 1289 01:09:10,420 --> 01:09:11,755 and an actor, 1290 01:09:11,822 --> 01:09:13,290 or as it's known back home in Korea, 1291 01:09:13,356 --> 01:09:16,159 a failure. [chuckles] 1292 01:09:16,226 --> 01:09:18,829 - [laughs] 1293 01:09:18,895 --> 01:09:19,996 - Congratulations are in order. 1294 01:09:20,030 --> 01:09:21,198 Your wife and you, 1295 01:09:21,264 --> 01:09:23,133 you just had identical twin daughters. 1296 01:09:23,200 --> 01:09:25,235 Congratulations. 1297 01:09:25,302 --> 01:09:29,706 Ken told me--Ken told me he can't tell them apart. 1298 01:09:29,773 --> 01:09:31,875 Well, now you know how the rest of us feel. 1299 01:09:34,211 --> 01:09:37,247 - [laughs] 1300 01:09:38,315 --> 01:09:39,783 - You're a good guy, Ken. 1301 01:09:39,850 --> 01:09:42,018 Thank you for letting them live. 1302 01:09:42,052 --> 01:09:43,820 - [laughs] 1303 01:09:47,290 --> 01:09:50,594 [laughing heavily] 1304 01:09:51,962 --> 01:09:54,064 - Caitlyn, it's frustrating to think about. 1305 01:09:54,131 --> 01:09:57,434 You supported Donald Trump despite his policies. 1306 01:09:57,501 --> 01:09:59,536 How can someone who chooses to be a woman 1307 01:09:59,603 --> 01:10:01,972 vote against a woman's right to choose? 1308 01:10:01,972 --> 01:10:05,008 [cheers and applause] 1309 01:10:07,711 --> 01:10:10,147 Just 'cause you're built like Sarah Huckabee Sanders 1310 01:10:10,213 --> 01:10:12,082 doesn't mean you have to vote like her. 1311 01:10:12,149 --> 01:10:15,152 [cheers and applause] 1312 01:10:17,654 --> 01:10:20,824 Who transitions at 60? 1313 01:10:20,891 --> 01:10:24,528 That's like neutering your dog right before he dies. 1314 01:10:29,099 --> 01:10:30,700 Bruce Jenner wanted to be here tonight, 1315 01:10:30,767 --> 01:10:33,203 but some [...] cut his dick off. 1316 01:10:35,539 --> 01:10:37,874 Bruce, blink twice if you're in there! 1317 01:10:43,580 --> 01:10:45,415 I gotta give it up to you. 1318 01:10:45,482 --> 01:10:47,918 You're the first transgender person ever to do 1319 01:10:48,018 --> 01:10:49,586 the Comedy Central Roast. 1320 01:10:49,653 --> 01:10:51,054 - Yeah! 1321 01:10:51,121 --> 01:10:53,757 [cheers and applause] 1322 01:10:55,959 --> 01:10:59,596 I believe you're normalizing what should be normal, 1323 01:10:59,663 --> 01:11:02,032 and you proved tonight you're not just a great athlete-- 1324 01:11:02,098 --> 01:11:04,534 the greatest athlete-- you're also a great sport, 1325 01:11:04,601 --> 01:11:06,770 which I think is really important. 1326 01:11:08,638 --> 01:11:11,408 And you're an inspiration to Republican transgender 1327 01:11:11,475 --> 01:11:14,344 Olympic decathlon winners everywhere. 1328 01:11:20,117 --> 01:11:21,418 Mr. Alec Baldwin, 1329 01:11:21,485 --> 01:11:25,288 thank you for doing this tonight for charity. 1330 01:11:25,355 --> 01:11:27,724 And to be honest, 1331 01:11:27,791 --> 01:11:31,094 making fun of you wasn't easy because you have it all. 1332 01:11:31,161 --> 01:11:33,396 A great career, a beautiful family, 1333 01:11:33,463 --> 01:11:35,065 good looks, intelligence, 1334 01:11:35,132 --> 01:11:36,433 and you know what? 1335 01:11:36,500 --> 01:11:39,903 You should run for president someday. 1336 01:11:40,003 --> 01:11:41,138 Yeah. 1337 01:11:41,204 --> 01:11:42,639 I think you got a good shot 1338 01:11:42,706 --> 01:11:44,174 'cause in addition to all that, 1339 01:11:44,241 --> 01:11:46,009 you're also a piece of shit. 1340 01:11:48,645 --> 01:11:51,214 Coffee is for closers. Good night, everybody. 1341 01:11:51,281 --> 01:11:52,816 I love you guys. 1342 01:11:52,949 --> 01:11:56,686 [rock music] 1343 01:11:56,753 --> 01:11:58,588 - You never disappoint. - Oh! 1344 01:11:58,655 --> 01:12:00,090 - Thank you, man. 1345 01:12:00,157 --> 01:12:01,391 - Coming up... 1346 01:12:01,458 --> 01:12:03,727 - Why are you wearing those fucking shoes? 1347 01:12:03,794 --> 01:12:05,829 I'm sorry. I yelled at my daughter. 1348 01:12:05,962 --> 01:12:06,830 - Already. 1349 01:12:06,963 --> 01:12:08,465 - Alec Baldwin. 1350 01:12:08,532 --> 01:12:10,200 - The chance to have the Empire State Building 1351 01:12:10,267 --> 01:12:13,336 shoved up my ass one brick at a time, 1352 01:12:13,403 --> 01:12:14,571 and who wouldn't be looking forward to that? 1353 01:12:16,039 --> 01:12:19,008 [upbeat music] 1354 01:12:19,075 --> 01:12:23,146 - And now for the man of the hour, Alec. 1355 01:12:23,213 --> 01:12:26,249 [cheers and applause] 1356 01:12:27,717 --> 01:12:29,819 We've known each other for a very long time, 1357 01:12:29,886 --> 01:12:32,322 so when you asked me to host, I didn't hesitate to say yes, 1358 01:12:32,389 --> 01:12:34,657 especially knowing it was for such a great charity 1359 01:12:34,724 --> 01:12:36,860 called Exploring the Arts. 1360 01:12:36,926 --> 01:12:38,528 You've been a great sport tonight, 1361 01:12:38,595 --> 01:12:39,829 a great friend over the years, 1362 01:12:39,896 --> 01:12:42,465 and I love you very, very much. 1363 01:12:42,532 --> 01:12:44,367 Uh, thank you for having me... 1364 01:12:44,434 --> 01:12:46,603 is something your kids will never say. 1365 01:12:46,669 --> 01:12:49,439 [laughter] 1366 01:12:49,506 --> 01:12:52,709 He's living proof that yoga doesn't work for everyone. 1367 01:12:52,776 --> 01:12:55,712 For your own safety, no flash photography. 1368 01:12:55,779 --> 01:12:57,480 Alec Baldwin. 1369 01:12:57,547 --> 01:13:00,150 ["My Way" playing] 1370 01:13:00,216 --> 01:13:03,253 [cheers and applause] 1371 01:13:06,156 --> 01:13:08,925 - Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up. 1372 01:13:10,660 --> 01:13:11,594 Sit down. Come on. 1373 01:13:11,661 --> 01:13:13,430 Come on. [clears throat] 1374 01:13:13,496 --> 01:13:14,697 [clears throat] 1375 01:13:15,765 --> 01:13:17,734 What a night. 1376 01:13:17,801 --> 01:13:20,603 You all talked about me berating the paparazzi, 1377 01:13:20,670 --> 01:13:22,238 marrying a woman half my age, 1378 01:13:22,305 --> 01:13:24,974 and so many other memorable achievements. 1379 01:13:27,177 --> 01:13:29,713 I'm glad you all had fun and a sizable amount 1380 01:13:29,779 --> 01:13:31,848 of TV exposure at my expense, 1381 01:13:31,948 --> 01:13:35,151 but just--there's one more charitable act 1382 01:13:35,218 --> 01:13:37,053 that I've done that I won't get credit for. 1383 01:13:38,321 --> 01:13:40,523 I'm a generous guy, so sharing the spotlight 1384 01:13:40,590 --> 01:13:43,393 is my gift to all of you. 1385 01:13:45,695 --> 01:13:47,597 But at the same time, I want to set all of you straight. 1386 01:13:47,664 --> 01:13:48,965 Not you, Sean. 1387 01:13:48,998 --> 01:13:50,834 If your father couldn't do that, how can I? 1388 01:13:53,136 --> 01:13:54,537 - [laughs] 1389 01:13:54,604 --> 01:13:56,740 - Sean, you proved to the world that gay characters 1390 01:13:56,806 --> 01:13:58,475 could be successful in prime time, 1391 01:13:58,541 --> 01:14:00,977 and tonight you proved once and for all 1392 01:14:00,977 --> 01:14:03,613 that Neil Patrick Harris wasn't available. 1393 01:14:08,284 --> 01:14:11,187 Sean, you have the face of a ventriloquist doll 1394 01:14:11,254 --> 01:14:14,124 and the asshole of a much larger ventriloquist doll. 1395 01:14:19,429 --> 01:14:22,165 Blake Griffin, my gift to you is bringing awareness 1396 01:14:22,232 --> 01:14:25,568 to whatever tragic skin disease it is you have. 1397 01:14:25,635 --> 01:14:27,837 [clears throat] 1398 01:14:29,939 --> 01:14:31,441 You're a remarkable man, Blake. 1399 01:14:32,942 --> 01:14:35,111 I wish we were as close as your eyes are. 1400 01:14:40,784 --> 01:14:42,685 Blake Griffin, tonight you demonstrated 1401 01:14:42,752 --> 01:14:45,255 what you do best: sitting while others score. 1402 01:14:49,526 --> 01:14:51,628 Adam Carolla, 1403 01:14:51,694 --> 01:14:54,330 I assume you're here to measure all of us for cages. 1404 01:14:57,500 --> 01:14:59,436 Adam, you might have your own vineyard, 1405 01:14:59,502 --> 01:15:03,440 but you do most of your white wining on your podcast. 1406 01:15:03,506 --> 01:15:04,974 Have you heard it? 1407 01:15:05,041 --> 01:15:07,777 Have you heard his podcast? 1408 01:15:07,844 --> 01:15:08,978 It's fantastic. 1409 01:15:09,045 --> 01:15:11,181 Number two in the mass shooter demo. 1410 01:15:14,617 --> 01:15:16,586 Adam's wife has her own podcast too. 1411 01:15:16,653 --> 01:15:18,688 It's called "Can I Speak Now?" 1412 01:15:22,425 --> 01:15:24,194 Adam Carolla also hosted a show 1413 01:15:24,260 --> 01:15:26,229 for car geeks called "Top Gear." 1414 01:15:26,296 --> 01:15:27,931 His favorite episode was finding 1415 01:15:27,931 --> 01:15:29,332 the most fuel-efficient car 1416 01:15:29,399 --> 01:15:31,668 to drive into a crowd in Charlottesville. 1417 01:15:36,773 --> 01:15:40,176 We're all learning. It's all we can do. 1418 01:15:40,243 --> 01:15:42,212 I didn't even know what a Nikki Glaser was 1419 01:15:42,278 --> 01:15:43,947 before tonight, and I still don't. 1420 01:15:45,715 --> 01:15:48,184 Were you the flight attendant I was rude to? 1421 01:15:48,251 --> 01:15:49,652 I'm sorry if you were, 1422 01:15:49,719 --> 01:15:51,688 but I don't regret finishing my game 1423 01:15:51,755 --> 01:15:53,957 of "Words With Friends" on that flight. 1424 01:15:56,092 --> 01:16:00,130 I sniped an incredible 92-pointer with "zymurgy." 1425 01:16:03,233 --> 01:16:04,367 Zymurgy, Bob. 1426 01:16:04,434 --> 01:16:06,069 Isn't that your second wife's name? 1427 01:16:10,040 --> 01:16:11,341 No, wait. 1428 01:16:11,408 --> 01:16:12,976 No, wait, it's the medication Jeff Ross takes 1429 01:16:13,009 --> 01:16:15,478 for losing his battle with seepage. 1430 01:16:17,814 --> 01:16:19,549 - I don't know what that means. 1431 01:16:19,616 --> 01:16:23,086 - What devastating comment could I make about Nikki Glaser 1432 01:16:23,153 --> 01:16:25,188 that she hasn't already muttered to herself 1433 01:16:25,255 --> 01:16:27,157 in a mirror at Equinox? 1434 01:16:27,223 --> 01:16:29,259 - [laughs] 1435 01:16:29,325 --> 01:16:31,628 That's so true. 1436 01:16:32,495 --> 01:16:33,930 That's so tr-- 1437 01:16:33,930 --> 01:16:36,399 - Caroline Rhea. Caroline, I just love you. 1438 01:16:36,466 --> 01:16:38,701 You are so open and honest. 1439 01:16:38,768 --> 01:16:40,170 Backstage she told all of us 1440 01:16:40,236 --> 01:16:42,172 she hasn't been laid in so long, 1441 01:16:42,238 --> 01:16:43,940 she went through Caitlyn Jenner's trash 1442 01:16:44,007 --> 01:16:45,475 looking for dick. 1443 01:16:47,944 --> 01:16:49,412 [clears throat] 1444 01:16:49,479 --> 01:16:51,948 But you were great tonight. 1445 01:16:51,981 --> 01:16:53,349 You were great tonight. 1446 01:16:53,416 --> 01:16:55,018 This is the longest you've gone without mentioning 1447 01:16:55,085 --> 01:16:56,586 "Sabrina the Teenage Witch." 1448 01:16:56,653 --> 01:16:58,088 True story, 1449 01:16:58,154 --> 01:17:00,557 Caroline visited my sick mother when she was dying 1450 01:17:00,623 --> 01:17:02,125 of cancer in the hospital. 1451 01:17:02,192 --> 01:17:04,461 We sat for a bit, and then she turned on the TV 1452 01:17:04,527 --> 01:17:06,730 and said, "Sabrina the Teenage Witch" is on. 1453 01:17:08,398 --> 01:17:11,468 Caroline, you totally get the assist on that suicide. 1454 01:17:15,772 --> 01:17:18,141 My mom attacked that morphine button 1455 01:17:18,208 --> 01:17:20,210 like she was trying to buzz in on "Jeopardy!" 1456 01:17:27,584 --> 01:17:30,253 Ken Jeong, I'm proud of you. 1457 01:17:30,320 --> 01:17:33,089 Normally you come across like an Asian stereotype, 1458 01:17:33,156 --> 01:17:35,024 but tonight your lips totally matched 1459 01:17:35,091 --> 01:17:36,292 the words you were saying. 1460 01:17:36,359 --> 01:17:38,928 - [laughs] - I'm-- 1461 01:17:38,928 --> 01:17:40,363 I'm such a fan of your work. 1462 01:17:40,430 --> 01:17:42,432 The way you flipped that shrimp tail into your hat 1463 01:17:42,499 --> 01:17:44,334 on my birthday was just genius. 1464 01:17:49,973 --> 01:17:52,742 I realize I'm not very big in the Asian community, 1465 01:17:52,809 --> 01:17:54,844 but I suppose there's a good reason. 1466 01:17:54,944 --> 01:17:56,980 The hardest possible title for you to pronounce 1467 01:17:57,047 --> 01:17:59,282 is "Glengarry Glen Ross." 1468 01:18:03,953 --> 01:18:06,656 Jeff Ross, everybody. Jeff Ross. 1469 01:18:06,723 --> 01:18:10,193 [cheers and applause] 1470 01:18:10,260 --> 01:18:11,361 I'm gonna be honest. 1471 01:18:11,428 --> 01:18:12,962 I'm surrounded by so many friends, 1472 01:18:13,029 --> 01:18:15,565 but you are a mandatory fixture here. 1473 01:18:17,467 --> 01:18:19,335 It's like you bought a beautiful new house 1474 01:18:19,402 --> 01:18:21,604 and they wouldn't let you chop down this one fat, 1475 01:18:21,671 --> 01:18:23,673 ugly tree for some stupid reason. 1476 01:18:25,975 --> 01:18:28,411 Jeff Ross is obsessed with food. 1477 01:18:28,478 --> 01:18:30,513 He meets the Domino's guy halfway. 1478 01:18:30,580 --> 01:18:33,516 - [laughs] 1479 01:18:33,583 --> 01:18:35,385 - At his birthday when he blew out the candles, 1480 01:18:35,452 --> 01:18:37,187 he wished for another cake. 1481 01:18:41,491 --> 01:18:43,359 [laughter] 1482 01:18:43,426 --> 01:18:45,261 [clears throat] 1483 01:18:45,328 --> 01:18:47,964 Caitlyn Jenner is an American gold medalist 1484 01:18:48,031 --> 01:18:50,500 who changed genders and somehow still managed 1485 01:18:50,567 --> 01:18:53,269 to be the least interesting member of her family. 1486 01:18:56,239 --> 01:18:59,509 Her strength and beauty are as hypnotic 1487 01:18:59,576 --> 01:19:02,979 as a Salvador Dalí painting of Kellyanne Conway. 1488 01:19:06,950 --> 01:19:09,352 You look like a real doll 1489 01:19:09,419 --> 01:19:13,857 that's been fucked a little too close to the fireplace. 1490 01:19:22,065 --> 01:19:23,433 Chris Redd. 1491 01:19:24,634 --> 01:19:26,035 As you know, you were one 1492 01:19:26,102 --> 01:19:28,204 of the true highlights for me when I appeared on "SNL" 1493 01:19:28,271 --> 01:19:30,907 all last season. You're great. 1494 01:19:30,974 --> 01:19:32,909 He's doing a new character at "SNL" 1495 01:19:32,942 --> 01:19:35,311 called "comedian in car getting coffee 1496 01:19:35,378 --> 01:19:37,447 for the rest of the cast." 1497 01:19:38,915 --> 01:19:43,520 Chris, you are so talented. 1498 01:19:43,586 --> 01:19:45,588 I just hope everyone can recognize you 1499 01:19:45,655 --> 01:19:47,924 without the credits rolling over your face. 1500 01:19:50,427 --> 01:19:53,129 Robert De Niro, everybody! Robert De Niro! 1501 01:19:53,196 --> 01:19:55,932 [cheers and applause] 1502 01:19:55,965 --> 01:19:58,301 Thank you for bringing-- 1503 01:19:58,368 --> 01:19:59,536 thank you for bringing some 1504 01:19:59,602 --> 01:20:02,038 actual star power to this event. 1505 01:20:02,105 --> 01:20:04,307 Robert De Niro is a legend when it comes 1506 01:20:04,374 --> 01:20:05,775 to preparing for roles. 1507 01:20:05,842 --> 01:20:09,079 Before "Taxi Driver," he drove 15-hour days in a cab. 1508 01:20:09,145 --> 01:20:11,514 Before "Raging Bull," he gained 60 pounds. 1509 01:20:11,581 --> 01:20:13,416 And before we filmed "The Good Shepherd" together, 1510 01:20:13,483 --> 01:20:15,251 he fucked a sheep. 1511 01:20:16,453 --> 01:20:18,888 It was really weird. 1512 01:20:18,922 --> 01:20:21,224 But that's why he's the best. 1513 01:20:23,259 --> 01:20:24,928 If you're gonna be the GOAT, 1514 01:20:24,994 --> 01:20:27,564 you gotta fuck a few sheep. 1515 01:20:29,532 --> 01:20:31,434 [clears throat] 1516 01:20:31,501 --> 01:20:34,104 So you all think I have rage? I don't have rage. 1517 01:20:34,170 --> 01:20:36,039 I have passion. 1518 01:20:36,106 --> 01:20:39,943 Passion like Robert De Niro at a Philadelphia strip club. 1519 01:20:41,411 --> 01:20:43,947 Passion like Ken Jeong dry cleaning the matcha 1520 01:20:44,013 --> 01:20:46,916 out of Sean Hayes' capri pants. 1521 01:20:48,818 --> 01:20:51,187 I've got a bigger heart than the medical condition 1522 01:20:51,254 --> 01:20:54,124 that will kill Blake Griffin in his 40s. 1523 01:20:57,660 --> 01:20:59,629 And I have a brain, Nikki. 1524 01:20:59,696 --> 01:21:01,531 And balls, Caitlyn. 1525 01:21:01,598 --> 01:21:04,167 And I'm more than a podcast, Carolla. 1526 01:21:04,234 --> 01:21:07,604 My emergency contact is not my cat, Caroline. 1527 01:21:12,275 --> 01:21:14,878 And I don't eat my own semen, Jeff. 1528 01:21:16,880 --> 01:21:19,282 And unlike Chris Redd in a photo at night, 1529 01:21:19,349 --> 01:21:20,750 I showed up. 1530 01:21:22,685 --> 01:21:24,621 And so did you. 1531 01:21:24,687 --> 01:21:27,023 And I wanna thank all of you for that. 1532 01:21:27,090 --> 01:21:28,892 I love all of you. 1533 01:21:28,925 --> 01:21:30,994 And if you don't believe me, 1534 01:21:31,061 --> 01:21:34,297 just check your voice mails. 1535 01:21:34,364 --> 01:21:36,199 Say what you want. I'm still here. 1536 01:21:36,266 --> 01:21:39,069 I didn't do it by starring in hit after hit. 1537 01:21:39,135 --> 01:21:41,171 I didn't do it by keeping my cool. 1538 01:21:41,237 --> 01:21:43,907 I did it my way. 1539 01:21:43,940 --> 01:21:47,077 Ladies and gentlemen, Paul Anka. 1540 01:21:47,143 --> 01:21:50,180 [cheers and applause] 1541 01:21:50,246 --> 01:21:53,216 ["My Way" playing] 1542 01:21:53,283 --> 01:21:59,255 - [singing] Regrets, he had a few 1543 01:21:59,322 --> 01:22:04,027 But then again, too few to mention 1544 01:22:04,094 --> 01:22:09,099 He did what he had to do 1545 01:22:09,165 --> 01:22:12,001 He saw it through 1546 01:22:12,068 --> 01:22:15,305 Without exemption 1547 01:22:15,372 --> 01:22:20,510 He planned each charted course 1548 01:22:20,577 --> 01:22:26,349 Each careful step along the byway 1549 01:22:26,416 --> 01:22:31,287 And more, much more than this 1550 01:22:31,354 --> 01:22:35,592 He did it his way 1551 01:22:35,658 --> 01:22:36,626 Alec Baldwin! 1552 01:22:36,693 --> 01:22:40,063 - [singing] For what is a man 1553 01:22:40,130 --> 01:22:42,866 What has he got 1554 01:22:42,932 --> 01:22:47,837 If not himself, then he has naught 1555 01:22:47,904 --> 01:22:50,540 - [singing] Just say the things 1556 01:22:50,607 --> 01:22:53,243 You truly feel 1557 01:22:53,309 --> 01:22:56,579 - [singing] And are the words 1558 01:22:56,646 --> 01:22:59,282 Of one who kneels 1559 01:22:59,349 --> 01:23:01,418 - [singing] The record shows 1560 01:23:01,484 --> 01:23:04,320 - [singing] I took the blows 1561 01:23:04,387 --> 01:23:07,557 [both singing] And did it 1562 01:23:07,624 --> 01:23:14,397 My way 1563 01:23:14,464 --> 01:23:17,500 [cheers and applause] 1564 01:23:22,439 --> 01:23:24,708 - Thank you. Thank you.