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♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Hey, hey, go take a look around, ♪
♪ Look around, and hit the ground runnin' ♪
♪ Hey, oh ♪
♪ Hey, hey go, mother take a limousine ♪
♪ To the city where they gunnin' ♪
♪ Gunnin' ♪
♪ We hit rocket-town, rocket-town ♪
♪ Some shit be goin' down ♪
♪ Ooh, now ♪
♪ I ain't your enemy ♪
♪ Take a look around, homie ♪
♪ You better shut that proper ♪
♪ Runnin' ♪
♪ I ain't your enemy ♪
♪ Enemy ♪
♪ But you be dissin' me ♪
♪ Dissin' me, dissin' me, dissin' me ♪
♪ Now you be kissin' me ♪
RUSSIAN MAN: Why are you watching him?
I have to support my field agent.
Whatever.
MAXIM: Come in, comrade.
MAXIM: Papa Bear, do you copy?
Blue team, cover exits and windows.
Red team, eyes on me.
RUSSIAN MAN: It's a waste of time.
That's Andrei Durov.
The Hammer from Hell.
Guy's an animal.
Yeah, that makes me zookeeper.
MAXIM: Baby Bear to Papa Bear, status.
Status? Great.
Had my breakfast, got laid last night...
Knock it off. Is your team in place?
ANDREI: Locked and loaded.
Oops, the door is locked.
Gonna blow it open.
Papa Bear, try knocking. It's a courtesy call.
Courtesy?
For a dirtbag criminal?
Come on, cut the bullshit.
Bullshit from us.
The crime bosses must think increased
security is because of a terror threat.
Okay.
[INAUDIBLE]
Talking about bullshit, this place is full of it, literally.
- Steer manure. - ANDREI: Tons.
It's used to confuse drug-sniffing dogs.
Confuse them? It'll make them puke.
And since dogs lick their butts, that's saying something.
I'm here to see Don Sanchez.
Don Sanchez is busy.
Tell him Andrei Durov is here.
You're Andrei Durov?
[LAUGHING]
No way.
Maybe his accountant.
MAXIM: Deep breath, courtesy.
Don Sanchez. Now.
Seriously, you're the Hammer from Hell?
Durov the Destroyer?
The Eater of Eyeballs?
Yes. Yes, yes, that's me.
And you assholes are just making those nicknames up.
Am not.
Me neither.
I made mine up.
Uh-huh, yours was the only real one.
Like I said, Don Sanchez is busy.
Okay. We're done with foreplay.
Oh, oh...
Ah, that's better, ladies.
[GRUNTING]
[GROANS]
[SHOUTING]
Papa Bear, what's happening?
ANDREI: I'm busy being courteous.
[BABBLING]
Cialis...
Viagra.
[LAUGHTER] Double dose.
I'll make it good for you.
Hello, baby, I got champagne on ice.
Don Sanchez.
Who's asking?
Andrei Durov.
Are you the Hammer from Hell?
ANDREI: Hey, don't you goddamn start with me.
Get lost, okay? I got a date coming.
Yeah? But a tiny bit more important than you
dipping your wick is a terror threat.
We're ramping security.
You and all other lowlife crooks
need to behave and not distract us.
Now, listen.
First off, I'm not a crook.
[CHUCKLES] Hm.
Second, I'm not stupid.
Terrorism's bad for business, okay?
Consider it done.
MAXIM: See? That wasn't so hard.
One more word and I'm gonna climb you
like a tree and beat you with a rock.
MAXIM: Knock it off.
- Oh, no, I didn't mean that... - SANCHEZ: What?
[GRUNTS]
Not on the carpet!
MAXIM: Papa Bear?
Papa Bear, are you okay?
[WHISTLES] Hey, FSB.
SANCHEZ: Come get your guy.
He slipped in shit and hit his head.
[LAUGHS]
[GUNFIRE]
[BEEPING]
Accuracy at 100 percent again, Katie.
That's how I roll, Floyd.
[BELL RINGS]
[GRUNTING]
Oh!
Is he boring you?
- Uh... - Good job.
Glad you're here.
He's all yours.
Hope she remembers all the techniques I taught her.
That girl's so stoked she's on the Moscow detail
she's been training nonstop.
Gone way past your busted-ass dance moves.
My busted-ass dance moves are classic, son.
Yeah, I bet. Let me see something.
Okay, Katie, just like I showed you.
Like this?
Or like this?
[GRUNTING]
Oh, hell, is that all you got, girl?
[PANTING] Come on.
[GRUNTING]
Oh!
[GRUNTS]
Man, lucky shot.
I can't breathe. I can't breathe.
Try it on someone who ain't older than dirt.
Let's go.
- KATE: Come on, tough guy. - Come on.
[GRUNTS]
VANCE: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
VANCE: Oh, not fair.
VANCE: That hurt.
VANCE: Let's go.
[GROANS]
Oh!
- Oh, okay, let me... - Ooh.
I let her win.
My thinking exactly.
Pussies.
Beverly Hills.
TONY: I love that city.
[MACHINERY WHINING]
And this one, too.
Moscow, here I come.
Welcome to Moscow.
[SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
Louie.
Passports, visas, shipping manifest, please.
All the documents, as you requested,
and they should be in perfect order.
Working the night shift, huh?
Well, that's when the real men work.
Sure.
GOON: Pick it up.
RUSSIAN OFFICER: Unique.
Normally, people smuggle cash out of Russia, not into it.
[GRUNTS]
Drop that radio.
All right, come here.
Who recalls what I said about handling the luggage with care?
TONY: Show of hands.
Come on.
Right.
You ever wonder why I hired eight men for a five-man job?
It's called...
Breakage.
Breakage!
You get extras in case you lose some along the way.
Agh!
JOURNALIST: Are the Russian negotiations still active?
Will there be more sanctions?
JOURNALIST 2: How does the foreign minister respond?
- Mr. Secretary? - Yes?
Is there any hope
for a breakthrough in the Russia crisis?
Well, Russia must address our concerns
in a more reasonable... no, scratch that...
in a more realistic manner,
or I have very little confidence in a resolution.
- JOURNALIST 3: Mr. Secretary - Thank you, sir.
Thank you.
JOURNALIST 4: What does this mean for U.S.-Russian relations?
[DIAL TONE SOUNDS]
[PHONE BUZZING]
Jonathan Westin.
Ah, just the man I want. This is Secretary Jacobs.
[LAUGHING]
Mr. Secretary, how can I help?
NATHAN: First off, bucko, you start by calling me Robert.
No, scratch that, call me Bobby Boy.
Sir, I... Of course, Robert...
Bobby...
I need a favor, and your discretion.
- Of course. - NATHAN: Can I count on you?
Absolutely, Mr. Secretary.
Well, here's the rub.
I can't be an effective negotiator
if I'm all tense, you know?
My poor, purple bunghole puckered up
so tight, I can crack walnuts with it.
Uh, what can I do?
Well, I'm gonna need some stress relief.
I need you to score me an ounce,
scratch that, make it two ounces of weed,
ganja, mogambo, you- you feel me?
NATHAN: The stinky stuff.
NATHAN: Are you writing this down?
Yes.
Well, then, don't, numbnuts. I asked for discretion.
Sorry, Mr. Secretary.
- And there's more. - Shh.
I'm gonna need you to, uh, line me up some,
uh, va-jay-jay, pootie-tang.
Hootchie-cootch, whatever you call it these days.
Now, make it a blonde, and if you're going for boobie size,
don't go for the tangerines, go for the soccer balls.
- MAN: Sucker. - [LAUGHING]
You assholes!
Ha!
MAN: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Guys, guys, guys, guys!
That shit would get you tasered in the balls
at any other workplace.
Well, life's a bitch, and it's short.
You have those both in common.
Payback's a bitch, too.
You're going to Moscow,
thanks to your screaming dick daddy
being bud-buddies with Jacob.
Moscow? For what?
It could be... officially, as protocol intern.
Real reason?
- Just to add some color... - Ooh!
...to the team.
So, you're a pocket-sized racist hating on my negritude.
Lighten up. Get it?
NATHAN: Okay. Um, yeah...
I'm gonna go now, because-Heh, all right.
I bet you screw up so bad even your rich daddy
cannot save your stinky, ebony glutes.
- Shh. - Oh, God.
Ugh! Oh, there's only one thing I hate more than you,
and that's me, every time we slap nasties.
SCANLON: Quit whining, bellboy.
I'll ride you like a hood ornament.
Oh, what? Oh, oh-no-oh, God.
[MOANING]
ANDREI: Look who's back, ladies.
WOMAN: Andrei.
Who wants to kiss my boo-boo?
WOMAN: So that's what you're calling him these days?
Hey, hotness, how about a dinner tonight?
WOMAN: Sure.
Who let you out of the hospital?
I let me out.
I stole a morgue truck.
What's going on?
We're hearing chatter about a terror threat to Moscow.
So, our cover story turns out to be true.
VANCE: This sucks.
Can't even tell. It's not bad.
- Jesus. - VANCE: Oh, my goodness.
Okay, spill. Why are you two on the rag today?
I don't know, maybe because you busted a $3,000 veneer
or because Barnes is pissing blood.
BARNES: Yeah, yeah, yeah, what...
What do you gotta say for yourself?
Get in shape, gents.
- BARNES: Whoa. - VANCE: No, no.
Don't drag me into it.
I'm rock-hard and razor sharp, thank you.
- Mm. - And I lost 55 pounds.
- Mm-hmm. - VANCE: Uh-huh.
The agency made me. And you know the key?
- Portion control. - And hydration.
- I keep telling you. - Don't talk about hydration.
I have to drink a big glass of water
before and after every meal.
BARNES: And by the way, peeing
is the second-most healthy thing a man can do.
Yeah, that was... Okay, anyway, I gotta pee again. Damn it!
- VANCE: Ugh. - [SIGHS]
[PHONE BEEPS]
- Brittany. - Yes?
Homework, no texting.
Grandpa, I'm doing my algebra.
ROBERT: You heard me.
ROBERT: So, where were we?
[PHONE BEEPS]
- [CROWD CLAMORS] - [CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICK]
Ah.
Hey!
♪ Here it is, another day ♪
♪ I don't know what to say ♪
♪ I just try to understand ♪
♪ Is this really the end? ♪
Ha!
♪ Walking down the city streets ♪
[PHONE RINGING]
♪ Think of you, how my heart beats ♪
ROBERT: Excuse me, gentlemen.
Ah.
Jacobs here.
ROBERT: No, I only want my Russian-speaking team along.
Right. [CHUCKLES]
Well, the key term in "secret summit in Moscow"
is "secret," okay?
Keep it simple. Right, bye.
Grandpa, you're going to Moscow?
- ROBERT: Yeah. - Take me with!
Mom always said she'd bring me back there someday.
ROBERT: Not this time.
It's State Department business.
Secret State Department business...
But I can practice my Russian,
see where I was adopted from, visit people. Please?
Visit? Who do you know in Moscow?
Well, nobody, but I can visit museums and stuff. Please?
ROBERT: Sorry, sweetie, not this time.
ROBERT: Okay, gentlemen, let's get back to work.
IAN: Tony. Van.
♪ I got a cold, baby ♪
TONY: Let's do this.
- ♪ You won't be kissing me... ♪ - [MAN WHISTLES]
IAN: 750 grand, as agreed.
♪ I got a cold, baby Yeah ♪
♪ I got it cold, baby What ♪
♪ You won't be kissin' me ♪
- Done. - Let's grab a coffee.
[SPEAKING GERMAN]
[SPEAKING ENGLISH] You're him, that actor.
[CHUCKLES]
Yes, I am.
[LAUGHS]
[SPEAKING GERMAN]
[SPEAKING ENGLISH] And your English is excellent.
So is your German.
[SPEAKING GERMAN]
[SPEAKING ENGLISH] Are you, like, doing a movie in Moscow?
I'm a businessman now.
Businessman? Mm.
[SPEAKING GERMAN]
[SPEAKING ENGLISH] Say hello to Jet Li.
[SPEAKING GERMAN]
[SPEAKING ENGLISH] Lou Diamond Phillips.
Oh.
Tony Lin.
Tony Lin?
[CLEARS THROAT]
"Shaolin Cop!"
[SPEAKING GERMAN]
[SPEAKING ENGLISH] I remember! Sure.
Oh, my mom used to love that show.
[SPEAKING GERMAN]
Businessman, good for you.
[SPEAKING GERMAN]
IAN: Mother, huh?
IAN: Mom's not so bad if she looks anything like her.
TONY: Maybe for you.
[GUN COCKING]
Take it, brother.
Ah.
Thank you, Baby Bear.
Lieutenant Durov.
Colonel.
You have a goddamned concussion.
Ah. Just a scratch.
It's a miracle your brains are not leaking out.
COLONEL: Lucky for you, because you can't spare any.
You better remember your tech training,
because now you're manning Maxim's console.
COLONEL: Gear up and wear a damn vest.
[LAUGHS] I love Maxim, really, I-I do.
I love him like a brother, like two brothers, uh,
and a summer cottage full of girls.
But he's never been in the field.
He's never, ever been in a fight.
Look at him, he's huge.
COLONEL: Who'd be dumb enough to fight him?
Meanwhile, your thick, peasant skull has a dent in it.
Find a vest that fits.
Here you go, sir.
Thank you, Donna.
Yes?
Oh, yeah, I do, sure, uh-huh.
If I can.
- [MOANING] - NATHAN: What?
Uh, well, I like a good mimosa.
Mm.
Hey, P.B.
Have you met Barnes' new partner, Vance?
Nice, huh? [LAUGHS]
You're not the only pretty boy.
Paul Bradley, not "Pretty Boy."
More like "Prince Bullshit."
[LAUGHTER]
Can we settle down?
- BARNES: Oh. - Thanks, guys.
All right, that's my cue to hit the loo again.
VANCE: Man, give the loo a break.
If you choke the chicken, don't let it drip on the jet.
Show some manners.
Fuck, it's locked. What is the code?
KATE: 7-4-1-1.
Oh, Christ on a cracker.
What's up?
Okay, close your eyes.
[MOANING] Oh, yeah.
ROBERT: How the heck did you get on my plane?
My God, that hair, those clothes.
What were you thinking? Miley Cyrus is over.
But Grandpa, it's Russia. I need to look great.
ROBERT: Yes, Russia.
Exactly the place I said you couldn't go.
You've really outdone yourself...
KATE: What a brat.
You are beyond serious trouble with me, young lady.
[BRITTANY CRIES]
Ah, come here.
BRITTANY: Grandpa, please, please.
ROBERT: Oh, what am I gonna do with you?
Oh, doll, I'm so sorry for yelling at you, baby.
KATE: Jesus.
- ROBERT: I'm so sorry. - KATE: Seriously?
I have to say, I really did a good job
getting us these Russian uniforms.
They match my eyes.
I paid top dollar for Russian uniforms made in China?
Sifu, every uniform in this damn world's made in China.
Why is the military here, sir?
We received a terrorist threat. We need to secure the building.
Terrorist? From where?
From everywhere.
[YELLING]
- [YELLING] - [SQUELCHING]
[ELEVATOR DINGS]
Would you grow a pair?
IAN: Sifu, you know I hate blood.
Come on.
Nice.
I'll get that.
Maxim Kadurin, FSB.
Katie Desmond, Secret Service.
- [LANDS HEAVILY] - Whoa.
Hey, Agent Barnes and my shadow here,
no racial intent, is Vance.
- How you doing? - God, Vance, look at this guy.
He's so huge, he's like Mount Rushmore with feet.
What did you drink as a child, Godzilla milk?
- Russian milk. - Just Russian. Russian.
Hey, Nate, say "cheese."
"Cheese," my ass, kid.
VANCE: I'm guessing whole... whole Russian milk, right?
Nathan Robinson, State Department.
My dad and I are tight with the Jacobs clan,
and he's put me in charge
- of all this stuff right... - Blow me.
In your dreams.
Hey, hey, hey, look, I know my badge says "intern,"
but my hand says "touch of death."
[WHISTLING]
No, no, big shot,
there's no place for you because of the girl.
You ride in the car.
NATHAN: It's called a limo, Russian Milk.
You can't fit in there.
[HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING]
Secret Service lady sure is hot.
Be professional, Papa Bear.
- Come on, come on. - Come on, come on.
Sifu, there's a security camera.
That's exactly why we're dressed like this.
The purpose of this operation is to make the world think
that Russians killed Jacobs, hmm?
Hmm.
On my mark.
TONY: Target is a half-mile and closing.
Target acquired.
[BEEPING]
Fire!
There's a missile coming your way.
Roger, I have a visual.
MAXIM: Everyone hang on.
- ROBERT: What's going on? - NATHAN: A missile!
Executing evasive maneuver.
No, hold steady.
ANDREI: Baby Bear, you can do it,
you were trained for that.
No rush.
Oh, Jesus, Allah, Moses, and Mary.
[BEEPING]
Ascend and bank, 30 degrees port, now.
Ah!
I'm covering all my bases.
Me, too.
[SHOUTING IN GERMAN]
OLIVIA: Secretary Jacobs, thank God you're okay.
This man saved our lives.
Sir, after this assassination attempt,
protocol requires that you return immediately to the USA.
Yeah, we have the same protocol.
One cowardly attack will not derail negotiations.
Understood.
On behalf of Minister Orlav,
I assure you we will find the perpetrators.
Thank you very much.
Sir, with all due respect, it is not impossible
to miss with heat-seeking missiles.
Trust me, sir, I will not fail you.
Trust comes from deeds, not words.
What's plan B, Tony?
[PHONE RINGS] Hang on, please, it's my source.
Make it quick.
SOURCE: Lucky you, the Secretary of State's granddaughter's here.
- His granddaughter? - SOURCE: Yes.
Here in Moscow?
SOURCE: The brat stowed away on Jacobs' jet.
Are you certain about this?
SOURCE: Of course, I was there. You think I'm an idiot?
I saw it with my own eyes.
Fantastic. Call me back in five.
TONY: Sir, I've got you a plan B.
Quit talking, start chalking.
Pavel Chernov.
I get a thousand pictures a day of this kid.
How about shots of Chernov
with the American Secretary of State's granddaughter?
The adopted one, from Russia?
Absolutely.
I don't have them yet,
but I'm giving you a chance to make a preemptive bid.
They're getting together today.
There is no news anywhere
about the granddaughter being in Moscow.
She's here, with Jacobs.
A top American official comes to Moscow
and the only guy who knows about it
hasn't brushed his teeth since Christmas?
[CHUCKLES]
Get him out.
Screw you.
The price just doubled.
Go.
MAXIM: Allow me.
Thank you.
Gentlemen are a rare breed.
Apparently so.
Get in already.
Aren't you the big-shot intern in charge?
Is that how we're starting out?
Listen, if you go online and look at my family's
net worth, you'll see three commas.
That's right, not like three zeroes like you all,
three damn commas. Boo-yah.
Well, gosh, playa, a billion, huh?
That's about how many times you can kiss my sweet ass.
Okay, you fine public servants so eager
to run things, have a damn party.
I'll listen in and have a tall,
frosty mimosa, breakfast of champions.
[CHUCKLES]
NATHAN: Have fun driving that shitty car
on your lame-ass detail, big shot.
My haircut cost more than your ride.
Oh, and fix your muffler. Sounds like my dog's farts.
Here, it's a commlink. Try it.
Is it working?
NATHAN: White Russian, this is Black Russian.
I can hear you loud and clear.
I'm not in the mood for that guy.
Don't bitch at me about him.
NATHAN: Did I not just say I can hear you?
Yes, they work loud and clear.
NATHAN: I can hear your heart beat.
So, where are we taking the princess?
She requested the Vegas Mall.
MAXIM: Good choice, best place in the city to shop.
Vegas Mall? Wait, I wanna go there.
Missed your chance, partner. Have a mimosa for us.
Minister Orlav, always a pleasure.
You know, we should stop meeting in secret
so the rest of the world can see we actually like each other.
It's good to start our day on a note of agreement.
Please.
We heard you have a stowaway.
Oh, don't worry about a national crisis.
Every grey hair on this head was brought to me
by my beloved granddaughter. After you.
- ROBERT: Ah, Galina. - Mr. Secretary.
- OLIVIA: Good morning, sir. - ROBERT: Good to see you again.
GALINA: Right this way.
Whew.
- Yeah. - Just go, geezer.
All right, thank you.
ANDREI: Baby Bear, missile last night was a Russian Igla.
That fact isn't gonna bring much love to the negotiations.
ANDREI: Oh, thank you for a brilliant insight.
Baby Bear, what's your location?
Mmm.
Arrived at the Vegas Mall.
I wouldn't go clothes shopping with a girl I'm porking,
ANDREI: let alone somebody's spoiled grandkid.
Mm, yummy.
KATE: Girl sure loves her that Taylor Swift thing.
Shocker she went all Kristin Stewart today.
In English. I'm Russian.
I've never seen her in shorts and boots before.
[CHUCKLES]
NIKOLAI: Almost here.
We should be closer.
Spoken like a man who's never gone shopping
with a teenage girl.
Hey, hey, paparazzo.
Must be a celebrity nearby.
Cockroaches with cameras, those guys.
Followed me everywhere when my series was running.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
I have to be with my techs, investigating the rocket attack.
And Jacobs shouldn't let his granddaughter out
after someone tried to kill him.
Yeah, we discussed it, at length.
Brat sure knows how to get her way.
KATE: Anyway, nobody knows she's here.
PAVEL: Brittany.
Brittany.
Oh.
My God, it's really you.
Shh.
Here, take my jeans. You know what to do?
Of course.
- Are you ready? - Absolutely.
KATE: So how long you been a field agent?
Since I met you.
You're yanking my dick right now, aren't you?
I would never yank your dick.
TONY: There's security, and there she is.
Successful kidnappings take months of planning.
We have about two minutes.
But I'm great at improv.
Chloroform.
IAN: Mm-hmm.
Soon as I grab her, you cover me.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, boy.
TONY: It's not her.
[SPEAKING GERMAN]
They don't know where she is, either.
All right, quick, outside.
You should go with her.
KATE: Brittany?
She's gone.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
No. No, no, no, no.
Chloroform.
KATE: Oh, my God.
"Will call Jacobs in one hour on his mobile.
Speak only to him.
Follow all instructions, or granddaughter dies."
Head downstairs, check the other exit.
Captain, are you serious?
Step back and shut up.
Security's chasing us.
Baby Bear, what's going on?
Papa Bear, bring up the traffic cams.
MAXIM: Three white BMWs.
Two are decoys.
They're trying to shake me.
Have mercy, please.
NIKOLAI: I really have to leave.
Shit.
KATE: Hey, hey, hey, hey, stop the car.
Hey, hey, hey, put down your window.
What?
I need your car, it's an emergency.
No!
Behind you! Carjacking.
- KATE: Or I'll have to hurt you. - MAN: You're already hurting me!
- Psycho woman. - KATE: I'll hurt you more.
Get out!
You're one crazy bitch.
- Yes, and yes. - [GRUNTING]
ANDREI: All right, um,
shit, I don't remember, how do I do it?
That right there does not sound good.
NATHAN: What the hell is happening?
KATE: Just stand by, God damn it.
You gotta shake them.
I'll go left, you guys split.
ANDREI: I got the three white Beamers.
Which one are you following?
MAXIM: Not sure, they shuffled around.
ANDREI: One's turning, stick with the other two.
ANDREI: Faster, don't lose them.
Um, I would follow the one with the most people in it.
ANDREI: By the way, why are we chasing them?
If they're chasing us, they must think we have her,
- TONY: and that's a good thing. - How?
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
CART OWNER: Whoa!
Wow!
What the...
He's right on our tail.
[METAL CRUNCHING]
[LAUGHS]
[TIRES SCREECHING]
[SHOUTING]
Tony, Tony, make a decision.
IAN: Tony!
[YELLING]
Woo! [LAUGHS] Fuckin' what'd I tell you?
[HORN BLARING]
TONY: Guns!
[HORN BLARING]
[GUNFIRE]
ANDREI: Is that gunfire? What's your location?
MAXIM: Kitoskya street, getting shot at.
IAN: Son of a bitch, he's got a bulletproof windshield.
[GUNFIRE]
- [BULLET RICOCHET] - [GROANS]
[LAUGHS]
Cops are off my tail.
We need to find the girl.
Regroup at HQ.
ANDREI: He went in the tunnel. Now what?
MAXIM: Papa Bear, you've gotta stay with them.
I crashed my car.
Ah!
Baby Bear, I-I broke all your jagga-lagga stupid tech toys.
I hate this shit. What do I do?
KATE: I'm trying to track Brittany's phone.
Where the hell are you?
Just crashed the car. Texting my location.
NATHAN: Crashed what car?
Nathan, I said stand the hell by.
I told you Baby Bear don't know how to drive.
NATHAN: Who gave him his license?
[ENGINE IDLES]
BRITTANY: Wow, this is so cool.
Woo! We did it.
Yeah. I can't believe I'm here. I can't believe you're here.
Uh, hey, excuse me, wh... what are you doing?
Can you help me to remove the jeans, and the boots?
- Uh, uh, sure, of course, okay. - BRITTANY: Great.
- Yeah. Great, um... - PAVEL: Of course, yeah.
PAVEL: Uh, oh, but... let me help you.
BRITTANY: And the right one, please.
Thanks.
Uh, keep them.
Boyfriend jeans are it.
Boyfriend jeans? I like it. [CHUCKLES]
So, where do you wanna go first?
Anywhere. Everywhere. You pick.
Grandpa's meeting is done in six hours.
- I gotta be back by then. - No problem.
BRITTANY: Oh, can you please hold my phone?
- PAVEL: Okay. Um... - Yeah, thank you.
...your phone backed up to the cloud?
BRITTANY: Yeah, of course.
Hey, what the...
What the heck are you doing?
Now, they can't track you.
But I love my 6.
You'll love the 8 Plus even more.
Oh... my... God.
Say to him bye-bye.
- Bye-bye! - Bye-bye!
[LAUGHING]
- KATE: Oh, shit. - [PHONE BEEPING]
[HONKS HORN]
Hey.
Is that blood?
Hey, give me that.
No, no, no, no. We have to talk in private.
Her phone location went dead. The last ping was by the river.
We are mega-screwed.
How did they know she's in Moscow?
How could they get her out?
I have no idea.
I was 10 seconds behind her, and then she was gone.
- I drive. - No, no, no. I drive.
Hey, what the hell are you doing? You-Ugh.
Are you bat-shit loco?
Mm-hmm. Get in.
MAXIM: Where did you get the car?
KATE: I borrowed it.
BRITTANY: This is so fun, I've never been on a scooter before.
- Whoop! - Ah!
[HOLLERING]
MAXIM: Hey, hey, I need my commlink back.
Stop pawing at me, I will drop this.
Okay, here's the deal.
Kidnapped girl, international crisis.
Both our careers are in the crapper
because it happened on our watch.
Get to the point.
My point is what's the hurry in letting
anybody know what happened?
Let's see, combine law enforcement assets
for the two most powerful nations on Earth.
Okay, there's that, but we can find her ourselves
before anybody even knows she's missing.
No international crisis, no dead careers.
KATE: We have six hours before the summit ends.
Five and a half, and kidnappers who will call
Jacobs in 51 minutes.
Gotta find the girl.
Oh, and I gotta report in.
All right.
Find some new cars, dump the Beamers.
Come on, admit it, I'm making sense.
But you still have something of mine.
KATE: I'm taking that as a "yes."
[BABBLING]
IAN: Are you warmed up enough?
TONY: Oh, yeah, always works wonders for my performance.
IAN: Good.
[COMPUTER BEEPS]
You better have good news.
TONY: It went perfect.
We have Jacobs' granddaughter.
Let me see her.
TONY: She's secured down in the basement,
but this should get her grandfather's attention
when I send it to him.
Nice touch, your first good hand.
Thank you very much.
Do I need to say what they will do to us if we fail?
Hmm?
All right, FSB and Secret Service
will check traffic cam footage for leads.
We need a better source of information,
and I know right where to get it.
Papa Bear?
ANDREI: Here you are. I busted all the monitors.
Where the hell were you?
Forget that. Request a mobile lab.
Have them leave it at the Luzhnetsky Bridge underpass.
Um, what's going on?
- MAXIM: Your ears only. - Mm-hmm.
Someone took Brittany.
ANDREI: The white Beemer?
Yes, and they left a note.
Shit, I should have been there.
Yeah, having an intern there would have made
all the damn difference in the world.
- I gotta tell Jacobs. - KATE: Don't say a word,
and meet me out in front of the summit room.
[SIGHS] I'm on my way.
KATE: Okay, I just texted you the note.
Yeah, they're gonna call Jacobs 48 minutes from now.
How about telling us something we don't already goddamn know?
Listen, woman, you better check your tone, okay?
Look, the next one that acts like I'm their bitch
is gonna get my foot so far up their ass
they're gonna be able to floss with my shoelaces.
Enough. Stay focused.
He's right.
We have to fix this... ourselves.
NATHAN: Are you high?
The moment they call Jacobs,
he's gonna know this shit went south.
MAXIM: That won't happen.
Not if Katie steals Jacobs' phone
and Nathan pretends he's him.
How the hell do you know I imitate Jacobs?
You're bugging our offices!
You bug us, we bug you. Big deal.
Stealing the phone, you in?
Hells yeah.
Hey, drop me off here.
[TIRES SCREECH]
[LAUGHS] Crazy-ass bitch is gonna boost a car, huh?
KATE: Hey, hey, hey, hey.
NATHAN: Don't watch, hombre,
you'll lose a piece of your soul.
KATE: Get out of the car, please. I said get out.
[YELLING]
[ENGINE IDLES]
BARNES: Vance, can you help me with this?
- VANCE: Nope. - Just give it a quick jerk.
Nope, not touching that thing. Not happening.
What are you doing here?
I thought you'd be out with Brat and the Russian giant.
President Anderson, hold on real quick.
BARNES: President Anderson.
NATHAN: Yeah, I don't even know what they talking about.
Ah, really catching on to the whole government
worker thing, I see, yeah.
Why are you here?
Uh, Chief of Staff needs to see me.
Mm-mmm, bullshit, you can't go in there.
- BARNES: No, no. - There's a summit in session.
BARNES: No, no.
Fine, I'll just tell him that you left me standing
out here with my thumb up my ass, just like you guys.
Really? Well, I wish I did have my thumb up my ass,
because my prostate is huge right now,
and I have to pee about every 15 seconds.
It'd probably feel good.
Why are you really here?
The less you know, the shorter your prison sentence will be.
Oh my God, that scares me. Oh, that is frightening.
Don't go bringing that crazy bullshit over here.
- Don't do it, mm-mmm. - Put that on Facebook.
It's too late. Just help me get in the room.
- Fix the problem. - It's against protocol.
When did you become a lame waste of a pecker bitch-boy
worried about violating pussy protocol?
Well, damn, that's gonna leave a bruise.
- It did leave a bruise. - Yeah.
But I wanna know more about this pussy protocol.
Is that like a special club? Could we be in it with you?
VANCE: Very intriguing.
I just like hearing you say that.
So you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna let you go in there.
But you gotta lay low. Do you think you could do that?
- Ya think? - Okay.
I'm gonna distract the Chuckle Twins
right over there, and then work your way in.
[SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
Fellas, you know what?
I was thinking, hey, have you ever seen a one-eared elephant?
It's a great trick that- Tell me if you've ever seen it.
It goes like this.
You got this as the... there's his trunk.
True, true, and true.
Look, America's goals have always been
to promote and protect democracy.
We will not be deterred from those objectives.
ROBERT: Regardless of your attitude-
[COUGHING]
Are you all right?
[CLEARING THROAT] Yes.
ROBERT: I would love to know who in this country,
or maybe right in this room, might profit from my death.
From my death and the complete destruction
of relationships between our two nations.
ROBERT: Killing me would not change
our country's attitude towards your military policies.
You move toward our position on the Middle East,
and we'll move towards yours on China.
And?
ROBERT: We'll stop pressure on your provocative military moves.
ORLAV: We should start with an agreement to limit
the proliferation of both countries' weapons.
ROBERT: Such as the Russian Igla missile
someone fired at my helicopter?
OLIVIA: Sir, we have evidence that the missile was stolen
from a private storage facility in America.
ROBERT: Mm-hmm. If you really wanna dazzle me with your
investigative skills, tell me who stole it.
Tell me who fired it at me.
ROBERT: Yes, I am a grumpy son-of-a-bitch.
Everyone, please, give us the room.
Thank you.
Give me and Minister Orlav the room.
Oh.
Apparently, "P.B." can stand for "perky butt."
What were you doing down there?
Sweeping for listening devices.
You gonna tell me what you're up to?
Nope, and you're welcome.
Andrei, I'm at the mobile lab.
So am I. Boom!
I asked you to request it, not bring it yourself.
"Request" is the Latin word for "steal," so I did.
Come on, I'm not good with paperwork.
I don't need any more trouble.
- TONY: Hey. - IAN: What?
TONY: That's the kid on the billboard,
and the guy in the red hoodie.
That's why the paparazzo was following.
There's the sleaze ball.
All right, listen up. We find him,
we find the kid, we find the girl.
Let's go.
MAXIM: Watch how this is done.
We can't afford any more tech screw-ups.
Hey, here's the hottie.
- Who the hell invited you here? - I did. This is...
Ah, it's the soccer-ball titties guy.
[CHUCKLES] She's hot.
A homely girl would never get away with such attitude.
KATE: And a little douche like you doesn't look
like the Hammer from Hell.
ANDREI: Ah.
So, you took out an entire terrorist cell?
No time for war stories, guys.
Maxim is right.
Besides, that mission was classified, okay?
MAXIM: You didn't disconnect our locator beacon.
I did too. How dumb do you think I am?
Real dumb.
This is the locator beacon.
That works the turn signals.
Ah.
Open the door.
I'm busy. Open it yourself.
Open this fucking door.
Colonel.
Um, did they bring the pizza I ordered?
Funny.
This is a stolen vehicle.
Um, I requisitioned it.
By hotwiring it?
Um, it... It came like this, I swear.
They have to maintain those things.
Uh, by the way, uh, turn signals don't work either.
You and Maxim are babysitting a teenage girl.
So how does that require a mobile tech lab?
Just between us,
Maxim is very nervous about being in the field.
You know, first time.
And, uh, he wants me to be near,
ANDREI: uh, in case something goes wrong.
Such a big pussycat.
Just between us, I'll assume the stupidity
is caused by your head trauma.
COLONEL: Have this vehicle back in an hour.
Uh...
And please, stop bleeding on it.
[PHONE RINGS]
Yes?
SECRETARY: Someone is here for you.
Go see what it's all about.
Okay.
You and I, dinner.
SECRETARY: Maybe.
May I help you?
Yes.
TONY: Does this guy work for you?
What's this about?
Uh, actually,
I'm a celebrity
and he took some photos I do not want published.
Ah, you're a celebrity.
We don't share employee info.
[GASPS] Wait, you are Kato, "Green Hornet."
I am not-
I'm not Kato.
I'm gonna need that name.
I can't help you.
Our photographers only shoot real celebrities.
[LAUGHING]
[SCREAMS]
[SCREAMING]
I'm gonna need that name.
It's Levkin. Number's in my phone.
Where's the phone?
ASSISTANT: Ah!
[GRUNTING]
You messed with the wrong assistant, bitch.
Ole.
Tony, let's go.
KATE: Oof.
These pants are not doing my ass any favors.
Well, let's agree to disagree.
ANDREI: Zoom in.
KATE: Thank you, Maxim.
Such a waste.
Being a gentleman again, huh?
MAXIM: There is the man I chased.
I run the plates on the BMW. Stolen, of course.
Nothing.
There, look... they're leaving.
I don't see Brittany.
They don't have the girl.
NATHAN: This is insane. Where is she?
- MAXIM: That's strange. - KATE: What's strange?
MAXIM: Blue Hoodie goes in alone but leaves with someone.
ANDREI: That other guy. Wait, wait...
What is that in his hand?
ANDREI: Is that a gun?
NATHAN: You see something?
MAXIM: What's going on here?
Follow the blue hoodie.
KATE: Look at the hair. It is Brittany!
Shit, shit, shit.
That must be the kidnapper.
Track the plates on that Vespa.
Little scooters don't have plates.
NATHAN: Whoa, whoa, look.
Is that a paparazzi photographing them?
ANDREI: Or a kidnapper
pretending to be a paparazzi diversion.
No, the BMW I chased must have been the diversion.
Well, maybe this guy was a lookout.
Goddamn it, his face is hidden by that stupid hat.
MAXIM: Following the Vespa is good news for us.
Big scooters do have plates.
KATE: We need that plate number.
Security cams at the Cherry Orchard
cover that angle.
MAXIM: We have to pay a visit
to the owners at their cigars club.
Hm, now you're talking.
You and me, we're gonna bust in the place hard as motherfu...
No, that's not how we play it.
BRITTANY: What a pretty pond.
PAVEL: What a pretty girl.
This place is magical.
So, let's get out of here. Paparazzi following us.
PAVEL: Come on.
BRITTANY: Okay, let's go.
♪ I want to be free ♪
♪ Are you running out with me? ♪
♪ From the big city life ♪
♪ Don't look back just drive ♪
♪ No one's gonna run my mind ♪
In the meantime, please sit.
Wow, once again, a gentleman.
[CHUCKLES]
Would you like an apple?
Yeah, thanks.
How thoughtful. I was kinda hungry.
Mm, good apples.
What the-Get this thing off my head!
- MAXIM: Don't move. - What the hell are you doing?
Stay still, I have a plan.
Get-I don't care how big you are...
If we want to keep the girl's disappearance
a secret, we'll need a double for her.
- MAXIM: A little haircut... - KATE: Are those scissors?
...wardrobe...
KATE: Are you freaking cutting my hair?
MAXIM: ...you can pass for her, at a distance.
- NATHAN: Woo! - KATE: Oh, damn it.
NATHAN: Oh, this is going on my Instagram.
It's going on my Snapchat right now.
Oh. You're out of your frigging mind.
Do the rest.
This was a $250 haircut.
NATHAN: Hey, keep your eyes on the road.
Peroxide. Hair, blonde.
MAXIM: Boobs, strap them down.
[SPEAKING RUSSIAN] Da, da, da.
Little brat had to go blonde.
NATHAN: Da, da, da, da.
Are you okay?
Awesome, go faster.
I have to, he's right behind us.
Go, go, go, go, go. Woo!
[HONKING]
[GROANS]
DRIVER: Idiot!
BRITTANY: Sweet, you lost him.
PAVEL: Time for fun, Brittany.
♪ Stay ♪
♪ And feel like we'll never die ♪
Looking good.
MAXIM: Taylor Swift enough for you?
♪ We are ageless ♪
♪ My love ♪
PAVEL: There's the Kremlin on the right, Brittany.
Ransom call in one minute.
How did these assholes
get a Secretary of State phone number?
My guess, by paying 50 bucks to a teenage hacker.
[WHISTLES] Very cheeky.
Papa Bear.
One more smart-ass comment,
and I'll knock your teeth down your throat.
[CHUCKLES]
It might actually work.
Hello, Kitty.
I think you found your look, girl.
And it's taking me to boner-town.
- [LAUGHING] - Pigs.
[SPEAKING CHINESE]
"Shaolin Cop."
[GRUNTING]
Ich bin ein cop... "Shaolin Cop."
[SHOUTS]
Do you know what?
You still look just the same.
- Thanks. - Mm-hmm.
- IAN: It's showtime, Tony. - I'm ready.
Yeah.
[PHONE RINGS]
This is Secretary Jacobs.
We have some ground rules.
First, I'm gonna need proof of life.
Ground rule one. I make demands, not you.
TONY: Do it again, and this conversation is done,
and so is your granddaughter.
Ground rule two. Failure to comply with my instructions,
and I will mail pieces of your precious to the media.
TONY: Digging me so far?
Yes, damn it, I understand.
Mr. Jacobs, what was that bitch-slap
you gave the North Koreans at the UN?
You... you only matter because you're reckless and desperate.
Ding-ding.
TONY: All right, listen to me.
Ransom is 20 million euros, cash.
No cops.
TONY: You know the drill.
I'll call in an hour to give you the drop location.
That deadline's impossible.
MAXIM: He knows we're tracking him.
Couldn't get a trace.
Katie, this club is our last chance to find
the paparazzo's plate number.
There are men at this club, in an... import-export business.
Just give them the note.
Why me?
I look like a low-priced ho?
No, don't sell yourself short, sugar.
You look like a regular-priced ho.
Just give them the note.
It'll avoid me and Andrei fighting the goons.
Honey, spa room is back there.
I have something for the owners.
Indeed.
I can just about see it from here.
Oh.
Follow me.
MAXIM: Nice self-control.
Suck shit through your teeth.
Can you wait there, please?
[GASPING]
[SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
Let me in on the joke so I could enjoy a good laugh, too.
[SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
I just graduated from whore school,
and your mother was my favorite teacher.
[GASPS]
[SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
You're a real people person, you know that?
- I'll take care of it. - No, no, no, no. Not you.
Stop, girls, this is a high-class club.
Hey.
KATE: Seriously?
Ooh, someone's been hitting the gym.
Good afternoon, ladies.
Yeah, I'm fine, thank you for asking.
We don't bite, unless you want us to.
The big boy's ticklish.
- I'm not. - CLUB GIRL: Yeah, yeah.
Ladies, please, have mercy.
Ugh, I am seriously gonna puke.
Well, hello.
Nice to see you enjoying the charms of our fine club.
I'm here on official business.
If that's "official business," I want a job... the FSB.
I need your help, as patriots.
[LAUGHS]
No, not you.
Seriously?
That should do it.
Quit hiding, your balls will be fine.
There's only enough radiation to trip the monitors, huh?
Don Sanchez, is now be a good time for me to come by?
That was so cool.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]
What is this place?
It's a surprise.
[PHONE BUZZING]
Nikolai Levkin. Leave a message.
Mr. Levkin, Archie Leach, "Vanity Fair" magazine.
TONY: I'm in Moscow with Angie.
We need additional photographers.
Call me at this number. Cheers.
Cigar?
MAXIM: Thank you.
MOBSTER: Is this about the secret meeting
with Orlav and Jacobs?
Or about the mystery scumbags
who want to ruin the Russian economy?
You like?
We didn't get to smoke $500 cigars
without knowing what's happening in the world.
We're investigating.
Might be terrorists,
or someone who wants to profit from the meltdown.
If you hear anything strange, call us.
And I also need to see today's security footage
from Cherry Orchard.
Done.
One of my men will get it to you immediately.
Take care of it.
Yes, sir.
ANDREI: That's why they call me the Hammer.
- MAXIM: Andrei. - Hey.
I thought you might need some backup.
Phone number, boom.
Forget it, you'll pull a muscle.
That's the idea.
Man-whore.
After you.
Love you.
BRITTANY: It's your band.
Welcome to Moscow.
Thank you.
We have a surprise for you.
Cool.
Don Sanchez is expecting me.
I love what you've done with the place.
TONY: It's very... earthy.
TONY: Immaculate place you have here.
Don Sanchez, it is an honor to meet you.
TONY: My name is Wang.
Thank you for seeing me on such short notice.
Oh, you said it was urgent.
First, a gift from my employer.
Yeah, beautiful, beautiful. What's on your mind?
TONY: Among his many endeavors,
the man I represent is
in the fresh produce and gourmet food business.
I got all the supplies I need.
You haven't heard their terms.
I'm not interested.
Would you consider reconsidering?
Let me think about it.
Mm, no, not interested.
Unfortunate.
He is not a sort of man one should disappoint.
Ooh, I'm scared.
PAVEL: Woo!
[INDISTINCT VOICE ON PA SYSTEM]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]
[PHONE CHIMES]
NIKOLAI: Ho, ho, ho!
VOICEMAIL: You have one new message.
TONY: Mr. Levkin, Archie Leach, "Vanity Fair" magazine.
I'm in Moscow with Angie.
We need additional photographers.
Call me at this number. Cheers.
[PHONE RINGING]
What do you have?
NIKOLAI: Yes, Nikolai Levkin, returning Mr. Leach's call.
Let me get him, hang on.
[QUIETLY] English accent.
IAN: One moment, please.
One extra moment, please.
Leach here. Love your work, old boy.
TONY: We'd love to meet you.
I'm working.
No worries. Where?
NIKOLAI: In Sokolniki Park.
TONY: Good, I'll come to you.
On my way.
- NIKOLAI: Fantastic. - Cheers.
[LAUGHS]
Bingo, like they say in America.
Pretty good for a big boy.
Like they also say in America.
They're in Sokolniki Park.
Boom.
Yes.
Mm, mm.
This is the best doughnut I ever ate.
Ponchiki.
In Russian, doughnut is ponchiki, ponchiki.
- Mm, mm, ponchiki. - PAVEL: Yeah.
- Gimme four to go, please. - Four.
- Excuse me, Pavel? - Mm-hmm?
Uh, can we make a selfie with you?
No.
Is Russian joke.
- Oh, okay. - Okay.
Thank you very much.
- Thank you. - Bye.
Goodbye.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING]
[PHONE RINGS]
Ooh.
- Yeah? - Yes, uh, I'm in the park now.
Where are you?
Gazebo, by the food court.
Right, see you soon.
Okay.
Keep your eyes peeled for the gazebo.
Hey, that Vespa.
TONY: Hey, there's our rock star.
TONY: There's the granddaughter.
You take the back, I'll check the front.
All right.
TONY: Take 'em both.
Two dead kids are better than one.
Let's get us some kids.
I got eyes on paparazzi's scooter.
Got him. Behind the gazebo.
She's in the food court.
- Copy that. - We're headed that way now.
Well, frick and frack, does she look kidnapped to you?
Not really, and she does know someone in Moscow.
Not just someone, that's Pavel Chernov.
KATE: Who the hell is that?
A famous singer. Boy band.
MAXIM: That's our blue hoodie.
BRITTANY: Hey, wait, wait.
I f-I went frickin' blonde for this.
Sorry.
I want this day to never end.
- So, let's capture it. - BRITTANY: Yeah.
Oh!
- BRITTANY: What the hell? - THUG: Shut up or I'll kill you.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...
Ooh.
Freeze!
What the fuck?
ANDREI: Hey, that dingleberry stole my moves.
MAXIM: Get the damn paparazzo.
He photographed the whole thing.
NIKOLAI: Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Ah! Ooh.
Who the hell are you?
[GRUNTS]
You look like that girl.
But I don't hit like a girl.
No shit!
That hurt.
We need the pictures and your videos.
NIKOLAI: I don't give you anything.
I have rights.
I'll sue.
NIKOLAI: Holy Maria, the Hammer from Hell.
Please, take anything you want.
How did you find the kids?
I tracked their phones on my tablet.
MAXIM: Bad news, Chernov dropped his phone.
It's still in the food court.
[PHONE RINGS]
KATE: Okay, let's get this thing moving.
Yes, this is Jacobs, I'm listening.
TONY: It was rude not to offer proof of life earlier.
BRITTANY: Grandpa, I'm alive. I wanna come home.
TONY: Eye Tower, construction site in Moskva City.
Leave the cash on the scaffolding
in the boiler room, sub level five, one hour.
Uh, can-Ugh.
We'll go in.
Too many people know Hammer from Hell.
Fame is a burden.
I'll cover you.
Don't move.
Baby Bear, it's all clear.
MAXIM: Looks like Grump's nearly got this place ready for business.
KATE: How many buildings does he have in Moscow?
ANDREI: Five.
Oh.
KATE: This place is big.
Nice watch, pimp daddy.
Do you need help?
No, I got it.
[GRUNTING]
Hey, we need them alive.
Oh, crap.
Where's the girl?
You really need to work on your interrogation skills.
[GRUNTING]
Heads up, big guy's ticklish.
Okay, okay.
Sifu has got...
Oh, crap. Thought he was dead.
He is now.
Papa Bear, we need to fingerprint him.
What the... Russian uniforms made in China?
Who are these guys?
Hey, let me go, let me go.
Well, hello.
My grandpa is sending the whole army to find me, you morons.
Maybe you're so much trouble he doesn't want you back.
- [PAVEL GRUNTS] - BRITTANY: Go to hell.
I'm just playing.
I'm having some fun.
You guys enjoy your life, all right?
For the hour you have left of it. Okay?
Put 'em in the box... lined with the C4.
BRITTANY: Let me go.
IAN: Let's go, let's go. Go.
Be careful, be careful, those are explosives.
Come on. Let's go.
[BEEPING]
They are not Russian.
Who are these guys?
And why try to kill us before they knew we had the cash?
If someone wanted to trash Russia's economy,
a great way to do it is instigate a crisis,
like the death of the Secretary of State or his granddaughter.
Yeah, that would do it.
Trade deficits, energy fundamentals,
exchange rates, foreign investments,
they'd all take a huge dump.
I got their plates.
Why bother? It'll be fake.
Let's find out.
[PHONE RINGING]
Don Sanchez?
Yeah, this the Hammer from Hell?
[CHUCKLES] I prefer "Eater of Eyeballs,"
thanks to the ugly douche in your warehouse...
Hey, my business associate said, uh, an FSB guy came by.
Tall, ticklish,
asked if anything strange happened to call.
Yeah, and?
Asian dude came by.
Said his name was Wang.
Arrogant little prick.
He wanted to push his way into my business.
ANDREI: What's so strange about that?
Two things... he gave up too fast for someone
who wanted to push his way into the business.
And he looked familiar, but not real-life familiar.
You know, like TV familiar.
Okay, thank you, Don Sanchez.
No way.
Movie prop uniforms.
Isn't that the guy from "Karate Kid?"
Wait, no, no, no, no, that's the naked "Hangover" guy.
No that's not, that's Harold... or Kumar.
Ha... Harold... Kumar...
Tony Lin.
"Shaolin Cop," one-hour series.
Shaolin.
1998 to 2002. German TV.
Well, forget asking Google.
[TIRES SCREECHING, HORN BLARING]
Sorry, you okay, sir?
[GRUNTING]
[SPEAKING GERMAN] Come on.
Hey, where's Boris today?
He has a sore throat.
Now listen up, Tony, we're playing
a high-stakes game here, and I intend to win.
So enough of the drama queen crap.
Kill the girl and frame the Russians.
That is exactly what we're doing, sir.
Sir, I do believe it's... party time.
- [DON SANCHEZ CHUCKLES] - Here I come.
Ah.
WOMAN: It's all yours.
- [WOMAN GIGGLES] - DON SANCHEZ: Oh, baby.
[ALERT IN RUSSIAN]
- Alert! Nuclear radiation detected. - Tony, right, it's gotta be him.
What's the play?
Trace radiation detected six kilometers away from here.
We will move to a bunker if levels increase.
P.B., make sure Brittany's secure.
We're on full alert. Radiation detected.
Radiation. Great.
That's another thing off my bucket list.
[RUSSIAN CHATTER]
Radiation is at Don Sanchez's warehouse.
I'll get an eye in the sky.
We've gotta get over there right away.
Not in this traffic.
Oh, yes, in this traffic, hotness.
[PHONE RINGING]
Maxim, Colonel and his A-team
locking the whole neighborhood down.
Sir, how long before the nuclear response team arrives?
Ten minutes, Maxim, not that it's any of your concern.
Your job is to secure the girl. I have got this covered.
If your partner needs anything, have him return my damn lab.
Yes, sir, roger that.
Move. Go, go, go, go, go.
Everybody wait for my command.
Come on, come on, come on, get on with it already!
This is more boring than your TV show.
TONY: Sir, the government will just cover this up
if we don't get media attention.
Fireworks will start any minute, sir.
Just, uh, waiting on the nuke response team.
MAXIM: Papa Bear, I've got his location.
This is illegal restraint.
You spotted the bad guys in my pictures.
You owe me.
Do not touch anything. Stay put.
Okay.
[SIREN BLARES]
An ambulance.
I said it before and I'll say it again...
I like your style, Crackhead.
MAXIM: Papa Bear, I found the actor's location.
On my way to neutralize.
ANDREI: Good timing, Baby Bear.
We're almost there.
ANDREI: Okay, stand back.
Hold it... worse than thinking with your dick
is thinking with your gun.
That's my style, baby.
Big wooden crate, 10:00, wasn't here before.
Who the hell called media?
Get those maggots outta here.
If they don't leave, arrest them.
Get them out of here. Out, out, out, out.
[SHOUTING IN RUSSIAN]
What the hell, the news trucks are leaving.
I need a crisis, you moron.
Unbelievable.
You found something you're worse at than acting.
Ragin' Asian here. Forget the nuke team.
Get the party rockin' now.
Look who's back for another dance.
Hey, guys, I'm not here to fight you.
[GUNFIRE]
[WOMAN GIGGLES]
WOMAN: Oh, yes.
- DON SANCHEZ: Mm, ay, mami. - Oh, baby.
[DISTANT GUNFIRE]
- Where are you going? - Huh?
I'm not finished. Ah!
The first warehouse... all units move in now.
Move in now. Go, go, go, go.
Go, go, go, go, go.
[GUNFIRE]
MAXIM: I've got eyes on the Porsche.
TONY: We have an unexpected visitor.
Who's the friggin' mutant?
TONY: Same FSB guy who lost the girl.
Go greet him.
MAN: FSB here. Everybody stop shooting!
You're surrounded!
[GUNFIRE CONTINUES]
What the hell are you two doing here?
- I can explain. - Really?
[SPEAKING RUSSIAN]
Reading tons of C4, over there.
Told you. Hey, everybody, time out!
Goddamn it, stop shooting!
- MAN: You first! - Katie?
[GASPS] Are those guns, honey-bunny?
Hell, yes!
Sorry, Peaches. I'll be right back.
I thought I was imagining it
because you are such a sex pistol.
Say hello to my little friend!
Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Not Don Sanchez.
Who we shooting at?
Two assholes up there.
That's not my guys.
[SCREAMS]
ANDREI: That's better.
Now all we want is to open that crate.
There is nothing in it
but prosciutto di Parma and Murmansk salmon.
Actually, Wolfgang Schmuck, there's enough C4 in there
to blow you all the way back to Dumbshitistan.
Make a decision. Do you want to be nothing
but Goon #3 all your life?
I thought I was Goon #3.
Shut up, idiots.
BOSS: What? Why?
Why did... why didn't you tell me?
I'll explain later.
Maxim, we found Brittany.
She is shackled to a shit-ton of C4
with a detonator controlled by remote.
You... where's Maxim?
Any idea who has the remote?
Um... yes.
And since we're all in one piece,
Maxim must be there by now.
Everything is under control.
So I see it.
Don't move.
TONY: We can handle him.
Sit back and enjoy the show.
Do I have to ask?
You want that info, come and get it.
He don't look handled to me, Tony.
Where is the girl?
We know all about your plan to crush the ruble
and buy them up at distressed valuation.
Our knowing means it won't work.
If he's saying that just to piss me off, guess what?
It's working.
He's bluffing, sir.
I'm an expert on the topic. He ain't bluffing.
Your size is no match for the lethal weapon my body is.
Why do bad actors talk too much?
Quit the grab-ass and kill this bastard.
I'll be right back.
KATIE: Maxim?
Where is she?
You wouldn't kill an unarmed man.
You said your body's a lethal weapon.
[TONY SCREAMS]
Interrogation skill I learned from a friend of mine.
[YELLING]
She's in Don Sanchez's warehouse, surrounded by C4.
Where is the detonator?
My detonator's by my computer.
[GRUNTS]
[BEEPING]
[TONY SCREAMS]
Shaolin Cop!
[BEEPING]
KATIE: Maxim? Maxim?
Maxim, do you copy?
Maxim, come in.
Katie?
Maxim, we found Brittany. Do you copy?
Roger that. All secure here.
MAN IN SHADOWS: You're dead.
Everyone you care about, everyone you ever met. Dead.
He was wrong, but you were right.
What the hell are you talking about?
I never bluff.
Ah, Minister Orlav, I'm so proud of our work today.
- Mm-hmm. - Really, truly.
Agreed.
- Grandpa! - Brittany!
[ROBERT CHUCKLES]
And what happened to you?
Uh, Brittany gave me a makeover.
BRITTANY: She's turnt up.
If you say so.
So, how was Moscow?
Awesome, thank you so much, Grandpa.
- What a great city. - Aw.
People are so nice.
- Mm, I bet they are. - The stowaway.
- My stowaway. - Mm-hmm.
She's worth every grey hair you have.
Ah-ha, thank you.
Come here, young lady.
Introduce me to this young man.
This is Pavel Chernov.
Everyone who knows that Brittany came to Moscow is in this room.
Just thinking the same thing.
- [DEVICE BEEPS] - [PHONE BUZZES]
Don't give me reason to hurt you.
Oh, please give me a reason to shoot you.
Looks like P.B.'s gonna stand for "prison bitch."
That's how I roll, Floyd.
I like your style.
Hey, guys.
I know babysitting wasn't very exciting today,
but I appreciate what you did.
Your hair, how did you do that?
That is classified Secret Service information.
If I told you, I would have to kill you.
And I would also kill you if you don't call me.
You remind me of Andrei. You get results.
If that's the caliber of line you're using with women,
there is no way you're getting any.
I meant it as a compliment.
[CHUCKLES]
Come on, have some frog water.
Go ahead, drink up, chill out, take another stab at it.
Will I... what's the word... "get any"?
- [LAUGHTER] - One way to find out.
We're gonna have to work on that.
Come over here.
Look at that maximum-sized playa.
Oh, damn, amigo, our little girl's all grown up.
Mm-hmm.
And yeah, but a lot later.
Hey, broheims, check it.
[PHONE RINGING]
Uh, this is Secretary Jacobs.
Listen, Tits McGee, how about I come over there
and give that sweet-acular bootie a cat bath?
Mr. Robinson, no stinky shit or pootie-tang this time?
Uh, I...
Cheers.
I mean, I was just...
All during a dramatic, top-secret international summit,
you're telling me nothing went wrong?
Textbook assignment.
Business as usual.
Could have phoned it in.
I did actually phone it in.
How about all the rumors we are hearing? A rocket attack,
an attempted kidnapping?
People make shit up.
Can I say "shit" on TV?
I'm cool, as long as I can shit.
- [CHUCKLES] - As am I.
I mean, "shit" just about sums it up.
Yeah, shit happens.
Or didn't happen, in this case.
Tell me the truth. Is this some sort of cover-up?
Absolutely not.
We believe in total transparency.
Us, too.
I mean, would the American government ever lie to you?
Was Brittany Jacobs in Moscow?
BOTH: Who?
Why would a little girl ever be at a summit meeting?
What? No, man.
She's in private school, damn it.
Do you know how old this girl is? She's, like, six.
I don't know, hard to tell with her nose
buried in her schoolbooks all the time.
Get an education, kids.
Get your exercise.
- [CHUCKLES] - [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
You smelly little rat bastard.
Damn, that was harsh, girl.
I... I want you to be harsh to me now. Mm.
I'll eat your eyeballs.
Holy Maria.
Back to the story.
So, how about dinner?
- Stop it. - Sorry.
You were saying?
- [PHONE BUZZES] - Excuse me.
Yes?
I lost a billion-dollar deal because of you,
but the game's just getting started.
You wanna play?
Let's play.
♪ Every memory burning like the sun ♪
♪ On and on and on and on ♪
♪ Uh-huh, uh-huh. ♪
♪ You know that I been cold, cold as stone ♪
♪ These rivers rushing down to me ♪
♪ Climbing all that I can see ♪
♪ You're still gone ♪
♪ On and on and on and on ♪
♪ While you're hiding ♪
♪ I'm here dying ♪
♪ Sometimes that's just the way it goes ♪
♪ That's just the way it goes ♪
♪ When you're fighting ♪
♪ I can't take it ♪
♪ Sometimes that's just the way it goes ♪
♪ That's just the way it goes ♪
♪ Ah, ah ♪
♪ Ah ♪
♪ That's just, that's just, ♪
♪ That's just the way it goes ♪
♪ While you're hiding ♪
♪ I'm here dying ♪
♪ Sometimes that's just the way it goes ♪
♪ That's just the way it goes ♪
♪ When you're fighting ♪
♪ I can't take it ♪
♪ Sometimes that's just the way it goes ♪
♪ That's just the way it goes ♪
♪ In my dreams I can be only there by your side ♪
♪ Because it feels like I've been waiting for our story ♪
♪ Every time I see you, my heart stops on sight ♪
♪ You're like thunder, you destroyed my territory ♪
♪ My dreams, it feels like I had never missed my chance ♪
♪ From a distance, I can see your eyes are searching for me ♪
♪ My reality you asked to take our last dance ♪
♪ But I'm drowning into you like the deep sea ♪
♪ Wanna dance again ♪
♪ Wanna dance with you again ♪
♪ Hold me close to you ♪
♪ It will change the story ♪
♪ Wanna dance again ♪
♪ Wanted you to start the fight ♪
♪ Never let you go away ♪
♪ It will be our glory ♪
♪ In my dreams I live a life that feels like paradise ♪
♪ Feel like it's forever ♪
♪ Gonna stay forever ♪
♪ I know it's not that bad for me to fantasize ♪
♪ There's some things ain't gonna change ♪
♪ Things ain't gonna change ♪
♪ In my dreams it feels like everything's a fairy tale ♪
♪ But I wake up every day in the real world... ♪
Subtitles by explosiveskull