0000 00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:15,000 YoubetCash.vip Agen Judi Online Aman & Terpercaya 000 00:00:16,000 --> 00:00:25,000 Bonus Cashback Bola 6% Bonus Rollingan 0,80% 00 00:00:26,000 --> 00:00:35,000 Welcome Bonus Rp 25.000 Extra Bonus Tambahan Withdraw Rp 2.000.000 0 00:00:36,000 --> 00:00:45,000 CashBack Mix Parlay 100% Bonus Ajak teman 45,2% 1 00:00:36,440 --> 00:00:37,440 [inhales] 2 00:00:38,000 --> 00:00:39,080 [exhales] 3 00:00:51,680 --> 00:00:52,680 [sighs] 4 00:00:59,280 --> 00:01:00,120 [coughs] 5 00:01:04,320 --> 00:01:06,600 I'm just gonna read everything aloud because... 6 00:01:15,600 --> 00:01:17,360 So, this is a letter from... 7 00:01:19,240 --> 00:01:20,560 the coroner for... 8 00:01:21,400 --> 00:01:22,840 Greater London and... 9 00:01:22,920 --> 00:01:25,360 South-- The coroner for Inner South London... 10 00:01:25,440 --> 00:01:26,560 [deep breath] 11 00:01:26,640 --> 00:01:27,680 ...to my dad. 12 00:01:29,160 --> 00:01:32,800 Sent on 15th March, 2005. 13 00:01:34,440 --> 00:01:35,720 [deep breath] 14 00:01:36,240 --> 00:01:37,080 It says, 15 00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:40,240 "Dear Mr. von Einsiedel, 16 00:01:42,080 --> 00:01:46,200 following your wife’s request today in respect of your son’s last letter, 17 00:01:47,880 --> 00:01:49,480 please find this enclosed. 18 00:01:50,120 --> 00:01:52,080 Unfortunately, it is in a poor state. 19 00:01:52,160 --> 00:01:53,800 This was how it was sent to me. 20 00:01:54,440 --> 00:01:55,880 If I remember correctly, 21 00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:59,320 it was located in the pocket of his trousers when he was found. 22 00:01:59,400 --> 00:02:00,240 [gulps] 23 00:02:01,320 --> 00:02:04,880 If I can be of further assistance, please do not hesitate to contact me." 24 00:02:05,480 --> 00:02:06,320 [sniffs] 25 00:02:17,880 --> 00:02:20,200 I'm kind of absolutely terrified to look at this. 26 00:02:20,280 --> 00:02:21,360 [tense music playing] 27 00:02:24,240 --> 00:02:25,080 [music stops] 28 00:02:25,640 --> 00:02:26,960 [rap music playing] 29 00:02:27,040 --> 00:02:28,000 [boy] Yo, welcome. 30 00:02:28,640 --> 00:02:29,600 I'm Evelyn. 31 00:02:30,040 --> 00:02:33,080 This is a two-minute film about my life and my family. 32 00:02:37,920 --> 00:02:38,840 Come... 33 00:02:39,280 --> 00:02:40,200 [camera crackles] 34 00:02:40,720 --> 00:02:41,760 Come and meet them. 35 00:02:44,120 --> 00:02:47,160 So, this is my sister's room. 36 00:02:48,200 --> 00:02:50,320 There's Orlando, my older brother. 37 00:02:52,040 --> 00:02:53,120 Who are you? 38 00:02:53,200 --> 00:02:54,960 Is this your video diary? 39 00:02:56,400 --> 00:02:59,200 You keep all that video diary, I'll have to beat you up. 40 00:02:59,800 --> 00:03:00,680 [chuckles] 41 00:03:01,720 --> 00:03:03,040 [Evelyn] Are you a snowboarder? 42 00:03:04,600 --> 00:03:05,520 [woman shouts] Gwennie? 43 00:03:05,600 --> 00:03:06,840 -“Got love for the streets” -Yeah? 44 00:03:12,080 --> 00:03:13,240 [Evelyn] This is my sister. 45 00:03:13,320 --> 00:03:14,320 Yo, yo. 46 00:03:16,160 --> 00:03:17,880 I'm going to answer the phone. 47 00:03:17,960 --> 00:03:18,920 [camera crackles] 48 00:03:20,480 --> 00:03:22,720 -[Evelyn] Where are you going? -[Gwen] I'm going to answer the phone. 49 00:03:22,800 --> 00:03:23,760 [Evelyn] Turn around. 50 00:03:24,440 --> 00:03:25,720 [phone ringing] 51 00:03:26,200 --> 00:03:27,040 Come back. 52 00:03:27,400 --> 00:03:29,200 Hang on a second. 53 00:03:29,600 --> 00:03:31,000 No comments, all right? 54 00:03:31,080 --> 00:03:32,720 I want the press out of here now. 55 00:03:34,520 --> 00:03:36,680 [Evelyn] Here's Tansy. Tansy, doggie. 56 00:03:36,760 --> 00:03:37,880 [melancholic music playing] 57 00:03:37,960 --> 00:03:39,520 Tansy. Hello. 58 00:03:40,440 --> 00:03:41,960 What's that? Wow, wow. 59 00:03:42,040 --> 00:03:43,400 Wow, wow. Wow. 60 00:03:44,120 --> 00:03:45,560 That's my little brother. 61 00:03:46,680 --> 00:03:48,200 -Wicked. -[Evelyn] Wicked, wicked, wicked. 62 00:03:48,280 --> 00:03:49,960 E, can you film my skate later? 63 00:03:50,040 --> 00:03:51,120 [Evelyn] Yeah, man. 64 00:03:52,120 --> 00:03:53,760 Skateboards. 65 00:03:56,400 --> 00:03:58,400 [footsteps] 66 00:04:00,360 --> 00:04:02,520 -[Evelyn] All right, Mom. What's up? -[Mom] Hello. 67 00:04:02,600 --> 00:04:03,440 Nothing. 68 00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:05,560 [reedy voice] Oh, my God! 69 00:04:06,040 --> 00:04:08,200 This is my mom. This is our kitchen. 70 00:04:08,720 --> 00:04:09,840 [Mom] Who's this for? 71 00:04:09,920 --> 00:04:11,800 This is our cooker. Dog. 72 00:04:12,280 --> 00:04:13,440 Woof, dog. 73 00:04:13,720 --> 00:04:14,560 Woof, dog. 74 00:04:15,320 --> 00:04:18,120 That's all for episode one from the Einsiedels. 75 00:04:21,480 --> 00:04:24,360 [man] Thirteen years ago, my beautiful brother took his own life. 76 00:04:27,040 --> 00:04:29,680 It left a void that's just never healed. 77 00:04:33,400 --> 00:04:35,400 [wind gusting] 78 00:04:45,920 --> 00:04:48,360 I'm Orlando von Einsiedel 79 00:04:48,440 --> 00:04:50,480 and I'm a filmmaker. 80 00:04:54,120 --> 00:04:56,960 Most of the films I make are in conflict zones. 81 00:04:58,080 --> 00:05:00,200 -[gunfire] -Go, go, go! 82 00:05:00,760 --> 00:05:03,160 Putting myself in risky situations... 83 00:05:04,040 --> 00:05:06,440 has just been something I was comfortable with. 84 00:05:07,120 --> 00:05:09,120 [gunshots] 85 00:05:10,120 --> 00:05:11,360 [indistinct chatter] 86 00:05:11,440 --> 00:05:13,480 I've always tried to push myself. 87 00:05:13,560 --> 00:05:15,720 [melancholic music playing] 88 00:05:17,280 --> 00:05:20,880 Despite all of that, I can't bring myself to talk about 89 00:05:20,960 --> 00:05:23,560 what happened to my brother and how he died. 90 00:05:25,720 --> 00:05:27,600 I mean, I can barely say his name. 91 00:05:30,040 --> 00:05:32,400 You know, apart from conversations where 92 00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:35,480 it's almost been forced on me, I... 93 00:05:36,000 --> 00:05:38,280 I don't talk about him at all. 94 00:05:40,720 --> 00:05:43,280 Neither do my brother and sister, Gwennie and Robin. 95 00:05:44,040 --> 00:05:46,080 [man] That's why you're packed so light. 96 00:05:46,520 --> 00:05:47,920 [Orlando] My brother loved walking. 97 00:05:49,120 --> 00:05:52,560 And we've decided to try and face the things we just couldn't 98 00:05:52,640 --> 00:05:57,400 on a five-week walk in places that we spent time together with him. 99 00:05:58,480 --> 00:06:02,080 Along the way, our family and his best friends are going to join us. 100 00:06:05,160 --> 00:06:06,880 [inhales] Um... 101 00:06:06,960 --> 00:06:09,840 Today, I'm feeling really nervous. 102 00:06:09,920 --> 00:06:10,760 Um... 103 00:06:12,520 --> 00:06:14,160 You know, in the run-up to this, 104 00:06:14,640 --> 00:06:18,760 I've obviously had to talk a little bit about what we're going to do. 105 00:06:19,200 --> 00:06:20,160 Um... 106 00:06:20,240 --> 00:06:21,880 But there's like a... 107 00:06:22,240 --> 00:06:23,720 There's a-- There's a sort of a... 108 00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:26,240 There's a point. There's a tipping point where... 109 00:06:26,640 --> 00:06:29,360 I can kind of talk about the logistics of doing a walk 110 00:06:29,440 --> 00:06:33,640 and knowing that we're going to talk about Evelyn. 111 00:06:33,720 --> 00:06:37,440 But if I cross that point, I immediately... 112 00:06:37,520 --> 00:06:39,880 [voice breaking] Even talking about it now... [inhales] 113 00:06:39,960 --> 00:06:40,840 [exhales] 114 00:06:41,480 --> 00:06:42,400 [gulps] 115 00:06:42,480 --> 00:06:43,320 [sniffs] 116 00:06:43,880 --> 00:06:45,880 [wind blowing] 117 00:07:04,720 --> 00:07:06,400 [woman] He was spiritual, Evelyn. 118 00:07:08,040 --> 00:07:09,160 [clicks tongue] Um... 119 00:07:09,240 --> 00:07:11,720 He was always thinking on-- 120 00:07:11,800 --> 00:07:13,280 He was on a different level. 121 00:07:14,040 --> 00:07:16,560 Evelyn had a few very close friends. 122 00:07:16,640 --> 00:07:19,800 He wasn't a big party, social person. 123 00:07:21,520 --> 00:07:24,480 He was um... more retreating. 124 00:07:25,200 --> 00:07:26,400 Just last year, 125 00:07:27,040 --> 00:07:28,520 um... [gulps, clicks tongue] 126 00:07:29,040 --> 00:07:33,560 I had a conversation with Orlando in the autumn, and he-- 127 00:07:33,640 --> 00:07:35,320 In that kind of a older brother way, 128 00:07:35,400 --> 00:07:38,560 he checks in with me every now and again, and it's like, "How are you? 129 00:07:38,640 --> 00:07:41,200 How are you really?" You know. "Are you happy?" [chuckles] 130 00:07:41,320 --> 00:07:44,000 Um... And I just... I burst into tears, 131 00:07:44,080 --> 00:07:47,080 and I said I'm really struggling with the memory of Evelyn 132 00:07:47,160 --> 00:07:49,400 and the fact that none of us have talked about it. 133 00:07:49,960 --> 00:07:54,560 And this walk through places that we walked with Evelyn, 134 00:07:55,120 --> 00:07:58,760 provides us with such a rare opportunity to talk, 135 00:07:59,280 --> 00:08:00,440 to remember, 136 00:08:00,520 --> 00:08:01,440 um... 137 00:08:01,520 --> 00:08:05,600 to perhaps make sense, if at all, 138 00:08:05,680 --> 00:08:09,320 of what we all went through at that time and what Evelyn went through. 139 00:08:09,960 --> 00:08:11,960 Was Evelyn taller than Orlando? 140 00:08:12,720 --> 00:08:15,360 -At one point, he was. -[bird screeching] 141 00:08:17,040 --> 00:08:18,080 When he was older. 142 00:08:19,040 --> 00:08:21,080 [stutters] But not as babies? 143 00:08:21,160 --> 00:08:24,200 No, Orlando was athletic. Evelyn wasn't athletic. 144 00:08:24,280 --> 00:08:27,040 [man] This will be a healing process... 145 00:08:27,880 --> 00:08:29,640 or, you know, something which... 146 00:08:30,680 --> 00:08:33,520 we're able to look quite introspective... 147 00:08:34,240 --> 00:08:36,840 into our own family and into ourselves 148 00:08:37,280 --> 00:08:40,240 and sort of take what we haven't spoken about 149 00:08:40,320 --> 00:08:43,760 and deal with it, being sort of open 150 00:08:44,200 --> 00:08:46,880 and not sort of-- 151 00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:52,320 We're able to confront it, rather than avoiding this-- this discussion. 152 00:08:53,360 --> 00:08:59,400 Coming to terms with things in a way that you couldn't 15 years ago. 153 00:09:00,320 --> 00:09:02,080 It's very helpful for you... 154 00:09:03,520 --> 00:09:04,600 as a person. 155 00:09:04,680 --> 00:09:06,800 I hope so. I mean, I think that's why... [chuckles] 156 00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:08,400 That's why we wanna do this. 157 00:09:08,480 --> 00:09:10,800 Yes, I think it's such a good idea. 158 00:09:10,880 --> 00:09:14,480 How-- How have-- How have you coped, Mom? 159 00:09:15,520 --> 00:09:17,480 -How have I coped? Um... -Yeah. 160 00:09:18,920 --> 00:09:24,920 I think... initially when it happened, I panicked that I'd die over it. 161 00:09:25,000 --> 00:09:28,480 I just thought I'd fall to the ground and have a heart attack. 162 00:09:28,560 --> 00:09:29,640 So... 163 00:09:31,000 --> 00:09:35,200 It was so-- I couldn't even admit to myself how frightening it was 164 00:09:35,280 --> 00:09:38,120 because in saying the word "frightening" 165 00:09:38,840 --> 00:09:43,320 or "horrifying," I'd have a panic attack saying that word. 166 00:09:43,560 --> 00:09:46,160 So, I was doing as much as I could 167 00:09:46,240 --> 00:09:50,240 to basically focus on anything to cope with... 168 00:09:51,160 --> 00:09:52,000 the shock. 169 00:09:53,280 --> 00:09:59,280 I grieved horribly or sadly on his birthday and at Christmas, 170 00:09:59,360 --> 00:10:00,800 and then, you know, 171 00:10:01,640 --> 00:10:04,920 every now and then something would make you remember it. 172 00:10:05,000 --> 00:10:07,240 A word or a person's face. 173 00:10:17,840 --> 00:10:19,200 I've met people... 174 00:10:20,040 --> 00:10:24,160 who have reminded me of Evelyn in the last 13 years. 175 00:10:24,600 --> 00:10:28,040 -Me too. -There was one, I had to go hold his arm, 176 00:10:28,960 --> 00:10:32,600 and I thought, this is how Evelyn would have been if he'd stayed alive. 177 00:10:41,040 --> 00:10:45,720 And I had to say, "I'm sorry, you look like my son, Evelyn. 178 00:10:47,040 --> 00:10:48,440 I can't believe it." 179 00:10:51,120 --> 00:10:53,920 He just smiled, and his smile was like Evelyn's. 180 00:10:55,000 --> 00:10:57,000 Evelyn was my second son. 181 00:10:57,800 --> 00:11:00,040 And he was very intelligent 182 00:11:00,120 --> 00:11:04,400 and grew in stature through his academic years. 183 00:11:04,960 --> 00:11:05,800 And... 184 00:11:06,840 --> 00:11:09,040 Everybody loved him. 185 00:11:09,640 --> 00:11:13,360 And Evelyn, who was so highly intelligent, had won chemistry cups 186 00:11:13,440 --> 00:11:16,560 and all sorts of things at school and wanted to be a doctor. 187 00:11:16,640 --> 00:11:18,640 He was very caring and sympathetic. 188 00:11:19,040 --> 00:11:21,840 And he seemed absolutely fine 189 00:11:21,920 --> 00:11:24,920 until he was about 17 or 18... 190 00:11:25,720 --> 00:11:28,880 when he had a terrific downfall. 191 00:11:28,960 --> 00:11:30,840 He became depressed, 192 00:11:30,920 --> 00:11:32,560 couldn't do anything. 193 00:11:32,640 --> 00:11:34,040 [clicks tongue] Um... 194 00:11:34,120 --> 00:11:36,320 He left school and had a gap year. 195 00:11:36,920 --> 00:11:39,840 And... longed to go to Africa. 196 00:11:39,920 --> 00:11:42,960 So he went to Africa, to Namibia... [sniffs] 197 00:11:43,040 --> 00:11:47,440 ...and his father put him in a placement with a German family. 198 00:11:48,640 --> 00:11:51,360 And he seemed perfectly happy for a while. 199 00:11:52,720 --> 00:11:53,560 [sniffs] 200 00:11:53,640 --> 00:11:54,720 [voice breaking] And then... 201 00:11:55,360 --> 00:11:56,800 all of the sudden... [sniffs] 202 00:11:56,880 --> 00:12:01,520 ...all his happiness that he faxed through to all of us... 203 00:12:02,200 --> 00:12:03,360 disappeared. 204 00:12:03,440 --> 00:12:04,440 [birds screeching] 205 00:12:04,520 --> 00:12:08,680 You know, Evelyn, in the next two to three years, the darling angel 206 00:12:08,760 --> 00:12:13,000 became a monster that we couldn't understand, 207 00:12:13,080 --> 00:12:14,880 or we tried to understand, 208 00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:20,440 um... but it was so not Evelyn to be who he was being. 209 00:12:21,320 --> 00:12:22,160 [sniffs] 210 00:12:22,240 --> 00:12:25,160 [Robin] I spent a lot of time with E the last few weeks. 211 00:12:25,840 --> 00:12:29,480 [stuttering] I was in the house when Evelyn left 212 00:12:29,560 --> 00:12:32,640 -and he, subsequently, didn't come back. -[bell rings, kids laughing] 213 00:12:32,720 --> 00:12:34,840 [stuttering] And I remember... 214 00:12:35,320 --> 00:12:38,760 this exchange or this conversation I'm having with him. 215 00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:41,560 And, you know, I think... 216 00:12:43,520 --> 00:12:45,720 -What did you-- What was said? -That sort of-- 217 00:12:45,800 --> 00:12:47,520 This-- 218 00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:50,360 When he was in Scotland to being in London, 219 00:12:51,040 --> 00:12:53,960 you know, he was saying, like, "I'm gonna kill myself," 220 00:12:54,040 --> 00:12:55,440 like all the time. 221 00:12:55,520 --> 00:12:56,520 It's not like... 222 00:12:57,640 --> 00:13:00,040 He'd planned it, I think, a year before. 223 00:13:00,120 --> 00:13:01,720 Well, Mom and I... 224 00:13:01,800 --> 00:13:03,640 found him trying to do it at home, 225 00:13:03,720 --> 00:13:06,240 and we both had to cut him down from the trapeze. 226 00:13:06,320 --> 00:13:08,440 I don't know if we ever talked about that. But that wasn't-- 227 00:13:08,520 --> 00:13:10,200 Yeah, I remember you telling me about that. 228 00:13:10,280 --> 00:13:11,760 -You know what-- -That was awful. 229 00:13:11,840 --> 00:13:15,480 Somebody said to me, they do it when you least expect it. 230 00:13:15,560 --> 00:13:17,360 That was what they said, and the point was, 231 00:13:17,440 --> 00:13:21,520 that night he had such a panic attack at full moon. 232 00:13:22,320 --> 00:13:25,880 I thought we'd got him through it that night. 233 00:13:25,960 --> 00:13:27,560 -When he went off to see Jack-- -[sobbing] 234 00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:28,680 Oh, G. 235 00:13:28,760 --> 00:13:30,760 [crying] 236 00:13:50,720 --> 00:13:53,680 Most of the time today, if I'm honest, um... 237 00:13:55,000 --> 00:13:57,080 I'm just feeling sad. [chuckles] 238 00:13:59,240 --> 00:14:01,200 Um... So... 239 00:14:01,280 --> 00:14:02,120 [inhales] 240 00:14:03,160 --> 00:14:07,120 I don't know. It's hard. It's-- It's really draining... 241 00:14:09,960 --> 00:14:12,360 talking about this and... 242 00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:15,560 [breathes deeply] 243 00:14:15,640 --> 00:14:20,800 And then it's especially hard when I see how upset they've all got today. 244 00:14:21,400 --> 00:14:23,400 [melancholic music playing] 245 00:14:56,200 --> 00:14:57,200 [Gwen sighs] 246 00:15:03,760 --> 00:15:05,160 I think this is good for all of us, 247 00:15:05,240 --> 00:15:07,080 but I think it's especially good for Robin. 248 00:15:07,760 --> 00:15:08,720 What? Talking? 249 00:15:08,800 --> 00:15:09,640 Yeah. 250 00:15:10,920 --> 00:15:12,680 Why? Is it because you think he... 251 00:15:13,120 --> 00:15:14,000 [panting] 252 00:15:14,720 --> 00:15:16,400 I think if he...[chuckles] Yeah... 253 00:15:17,200 --> 00:15:19,680 I'd actually just say speak for yourself, Orlando. 254 00:15:19,760 --> 00:15:20,760 [chuckles] 255 00:15:22,040 --> 00:15:24,120 -All right. Fair. Fair enough. -Fair enough. 256 00:15:25,160 --> 00:15:28,280 [Gwen] Robin's actually like-- I think Robin's remarkably... 257 00:15:30,080 --> 00:15:31,720 articulate about his emotions. 258 00:15:31,800 --> 00:15:34,640 If you ask him about it. He doesn't share them. 259 00:15:34,720 --> 00:15:37,320 He's not-- I mean, neither of you are like that. You don't just... 260 00:15:38,120 --> 00:15:39,960 talk willingly about yourselves. 261 00:15:41,320 --> 00:15:43,400 [Gwen] I can't tell you how good it felt 262 00:15:43,480 --> 00:15:46,200 when I finally talked to Orlando back in September. 263 00:15:46,280 --> 00:15:49,200 I said to him, you know, I'm really struggling with... 264 00:15:49,640 --> 00:15:51,480 with Evelyn and with this memory and... 265 00:15:52,320 --> 00:15:54,480 And to hear... To have him... 266 00:15:55,040 --> 00:15:57,360 kind of acknowledge that and say, you know, Gwennie, 267 00:15:57,440 --> 00:16:00,920 I haven't even been able to say his name for like ten years. [sobbing] 268 00:16:01,000 --> 00:16:01,960 I've... 269 00:16:02,040 --> 00:16:05,840 You know, it was just like I opened a tiny valve, 270 00:16:05,920 --> 00:16:08,880 and I was like, oh, my God, we're actually talking about this. 271 00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:10,200 And we're both saying... 272 00:16:10,840 --> 00:16:12,680 [gulps] We've both struggled. 273 00:16:12,760 --> 00:16:14,680 And um... [clears throat] ...that... 274 00:16:14,760 --> 00:16:19,640 That felt like such huge progress already, just to even like say his name together. 275 00:16:19,720 --> 00:16:21,560 To acknowledge... 276 00:16:22,480 --> 00:16:27,240 that we'd both struggled. And to hear Orlando's side of it too was... 277 00:16:27,680 --> 00:16:30,760 You know, I just kind of thought Orlando was a complete... 278 00:16:31,160 --> 00:16:34,160 completely emotionally stunted. [laughs] 279 00:16:35,440 --> 00:16:37,120 I've never seen Orlando cry. 280 00:16:45,040 --> 00:16:46,040 [sniffs] 281 00:16:47,120 --> 00:16:49,040 -It is magical, isn't it? -Yeah. 282 00:16:50,480 --> 00:16:51,320 [sighs] 283 00:16:53,320 --> 00:16:54,280 Nice. 284 00:16:56,760 --> 00:16:58,920 Evil, little sister. 285 00:16:59,320 --> 00:17:01,960 -What are you? -She wasn't anymore risky. 286 00:17:10,600 --> 00:17:14,200 [Harriet] After tests, they decided it wasn't depression. 287 00:17:14,280 --> 00:17:15,760 It was schizophrenia. 288 00:17:15,840 --> 00:17:19,680 And that diagnosis nearly finished me off. [weeping] 289 00:17:19,800 --> 00:17:23,280 But it was just because, I think, as a mom, 290 00:17:23,360 --> 00:17:26,040 you've gone down so far with them... [sniffs] 291 00:17:26,120 --> 00:17:30,040 ...and when they-- when they come up with a diagnosis like that, 292 00:17:30,120 --> 00:17:34,360 it's pretty frightening for your child to have a diagnosis like that. 293 00:17:34,760 --> 00:17:39,280 I think having a child with schizophrenia was quite a stigma. 294 00:17:39,920 --> 00:17:42,600 And being a single parent was quite a stigma too. 295 00:17:43,040 --> 00:17:44,080 And-- And so... 296 00:17:44,720 --> 00:17:46,240 a lot of people would go, 297 00:17:46,840 --> 00:17:49,560 "You are a single parent and... 298 00:17:50,320 --> 00:17:54,320 and it's probably your fault that Evelyn got schizophrenia." 299 00:17:54,400 --> 00:17:57,600 -I don't think anyone thought that. -[Harriet] Well, it makes people... 300 00:17:58,640 --> 00:18:03,520 try and criticize you, or even try and make-- be frightened of you. 301 00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:07,760 But really you have no idea that schizophrenia is-- 302 00:18:07,840 --> 00:18:11,760 When you look back, it's so frightening, what the chemistry does. 303 00:18:11,840 --> 00:18:12,920 It's frightening. 304 00:18:13,440 --> 00:18:14,680 That one minute you're, 305 00:18:15,520 --> 00:18:16,480 as a person, 306 00:18:18,240 --> 00:18:20,080 absolutely 100% fine. 307 00:18:20,520 --> 00:18:24,160 And gradually and gradually, you get this deterioration of your brain. 308 00:18:24,240 --> 00:18:29,720 And what it does to the brain that you, as the individual, can't control. 309 00:18:30,400 --> 00:18:31,400 I still feel... 310 00:18:31,960 --> 00:18:35,240 remarkably ignorant about it, despite what I know. 311 00:18:35,320 --> 00:18:38,760 In many ways, often when you go through something, and you... 312 00:18:39,640 --> 00:18:42,400 Or you experience something that changes your life, 313 00:18:42,480 --> 00:18:46,520 it might then draw you to do a lot of research about it and get-- 314 00:18:46,600 --> 00:18:48,360 You know, understand it better. 315 00:18:48,440 --> 00:18:51,840 And I definitely went the other way after Evelyn killed himself. 316 00:18:51,920 --> 00:18:55,280 I couldn't interact with anything to do with mental health, 317 00:18:55,640 --> 00:18:58,720 anything to do with those sorts of conditions. 318 00:18:58,800 --> 00:19:00,600 It just-- I just didn't... 319 00:19:01,920 --> 00:19:03,080 You know, it was too painful. 320 00:19:09,120 --> 00:19:11,440 [Harriet] When I sometimes think of him deeply, 321 00:19:11,520 --> 00:19:14,320 there are six points that come into my head 322 00:19:14,880 --> 00:19:18,280 that I don't try and think of, but they come towards me. 323 00:19:18,720 --> 00:19:19,600 One is... 324 00:19:20,440 --> 00:19:22,360 he used to whisper in your ear. 325 00:19:23,320 --> 00:19:24,760 -Yeah, he did. -[Gwen] Yes. 326 00:19:24,840 --> 00:19:27,680 The other one was his giggle. 327 00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:29,040 [Gwen] Yeah. 328 00:19:29,640 --> 00:19:32,560 -The other were his twinkling eyes. -[Gwen] Yeah. 329 00:19:33,120 --> 00:19:36,720 The other one was he had the loudest farts. 330 00:19:36,800 --> 00:19:39,000 [Gwen] I was about to say that! 331 00:19:39,080 --> 00:19:40,240 [laughs] 332 00:19:40,320 --> 00:19:43,480 Mom, I can't believe that's one of your memories. That's also-- 333 00:19:43,880 --> 00:19:46,920 I actually don't remember the loudness. I remember 334 00:19:47,000 --> 00:19:48,480 -the smell. [laughs] -[Robin] The smell. 335 00:19:48,560 --> 00:19:49,440 Yeah. 336 00:19:49,520 --> 00:19:51,040 [laughing] It's... 337 00:19:51,120 --> 00:19:54,320 But if you were to ask me sort of ten things, 338 00:19:54,400 --> 00:19:56,760 I definitely would have listed that as one of them. 339 00:19:56,840 --> 00:19:57,680 Yeah. 340 00:19:57,760 --> 00:19:59,760 [melancholic music playing] 341 00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:22,960 [Harriet and Gwen humming] 342 00:20:42,520 --> 00:20:44,520 [both laugh] 343 00:20:46,720 --> 00:20:48,560 [humming continues] 344 00:20:50,040 --> 00:20:51,240 [Harriet sighs and chuckles] 345 00:20:52,760 --> 00:20:55,520 -[Harriet] Woo! -[both laugh] 346 00:20:56,880 --> 00:20:59,560 -Novel! -Oh, my lovely, veiled bride. 347 00:20:59,640 --> 00:21:01,320 [both chuckle] 348 00:21:03,920 --> 00:21:05,960 [thunder rumbling] 349 00:21:12,280 --> 00:21:13,160 Look outside. 350 00:21:15,560 --> 00:21:16,400 Nice. 351 00:21:17,320 --> 00:21:18,480 Nice weather. 352 00:21:20,920 --> 00:21:23,520 -I'd like to say this is really... -Nice. 353 00:21:23,600 --> 00:21:24,480 Nice. 354 00:21:24,600 --> 00:21:26,360 -It's fucking-- -But you can't. 355 00:21:27,720 --> 00:21:28,720 I understand. 356 00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:41,600 [Orlando] Mom, where were you when you found out? 357 00:21:43,840 --> 00:21:45,280 [Harriet] The day he died, 358 00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:47,360 [sniffs] Um... [clicks tongue] 359 00:21:47,440 --> 00:21:51,880 I woke up in the morning and rushed into his bedroom and he wasn't there. 360 00:21:52,640 --> 00:21:56,640 And I woke Gwennie, and I said, "Gwennie, where is he? 361 00:21:57,240 --> 00:22:01,520 I’ve got this horrible suspicion he’s not with Jack." [clicks tongue] 362 00:22:01,600 --> 00:22:03,160 And I got in the car with her, 363 00:22:03,240 --> 00:22:06,480 and we went looking around the streets everywhere. 364 00:22:07,320 --> 00:22:08,760 We couldn’t find him. 365 00:22:10,520 --> 00:22:12,160 We couldn’t find him anywhere. 366 00:22:13,280 --> 00:22:16,760 And Kevin had offered... 367 00:22:17,960 --> 00:22:20,040 He said, "Oh, I can help you. I’ll help." 368 00:22:20,560 --> 00:22:24,400 And he went down the garden, and then he came back, 369 00:22:24,480 --> 00:22:27,440 this was in the afternoon, with a face. 370 00:22:28,120 --> 00:22:31,000 And I just saw that face, and I thought, "Oh, my God. 371 00:22:31,400 --> 00:22:34,320 Evelyn’s in the garden." I never looked. 372 00:22:35,000 --> 00:22:37,400 I never looked at the bottom of the garden. 373 00:22:39,920 --> 00:22:42,880 And he said, "I think we'd better ring the police." 374 00:22:43,920 --> 00:22:47,400 And I was so stunned. The police came, and I said... 375 00:22:49,200 --> 00:22:51,960 And the police said, "I don’t think you should go down." 376 00:22:52,560 --> 00:22:56,240 And of course being me, Mom, I said, "I’m going down." 377 00:22:56,960 --> 00:22:58,360 And I went down, 378 00:22:59,920 --> 00:23:04,440 and he was lying on the ground in a bivvy bag, 379 00:23:05,560 --> 00:23:07,160 which they were zipping up. 380 00:23:07,760 --> 00:23:09,880 [Gwen] They're having a really dark conversation, Robin. 381 00:23:09,960 --> 00:23:12,040 And it's that sort of stunning moment, 382 00:23:13,520 --> 00:23:14,800 you want to wake him up. 383 00:23:14,880 --> 00:23:16,360 [Gwen] Do you wanna join in, or not? 384 00:23:19,240 --> 00:23:21,200 Yeah. That’s how it happened. 385 00:23:23,000 --> 00:23:26,080 And I remember him leaving the house. 386 00:23:26,160 --> 00:23:27,560 [sniffs] Um... 387 00:23:27,640 --> 00:23:30,640 It was about six in the evening. Still light. September. 388 00:23:31,520 --> 00:23:32,480 And then... um... 389 00:23:33,480 --> 00:23:34,480 And then... uh... 390 00:23:36,200 --> 00:23:38,800 [stuttering] He left the house, and... 391 00:23:39,720 --> 00:23:41,840 and I thought nothing of it. 392 00:23:42,920 --> 00:23:45,360 And then going to school the next day, 393 00:23:46,320 --> 00:23:47,320 um... 394 00:23:47,400 --> 00:23:49,880 and then getting called to the... 395 00:23:51,320 --> 00:23:54,200 the headmaster’s office, 396 00:23:54,600 --> 00:23:57,160 um... and told I had to go home. 397 00:23:59,040 --> 00:24:01,800 I remember the drama teacher gave me a lift home. 398 00:24:05,920 --> 00:24:06,760 [sniffs] 399 00:24:07,200 --> 00:24:08,320 And uh... 400 00:24:09,440 --> 00:24:12,640 [voice breaking] Yeah, I saw the ambulance and the police outside. 401 00:24:16,680 --> 00:24:17,680 [exhales] 402 00:24:17,760 --> 00:24:19,760 [thunder rumbling] 403 00:24:29,200 --> 00:24:30,640 [Robin] So I find 404 00:24:30,720 --> 00:24:33,200 just because, you know, days are such a long time, 405 00:24:33,280 --> 00:24:35,040 there’s so much to think about. 406 00:24:35,120 --> 00:24:38,680 He invariably pops into-- I mean, maybe because I live at home. 407 00:24:39,160 --> 00:24:42,160 There's just so many-- There’s so many pictures of him... 408 00:24:42,240 --> 00:24:43,120 -Yeah. -...there. 409 00:24:44,240 --> 00:24:47,920 It sort of-- He's actually-- It feels very present. 410 00:24:49,600 --> 00:24:50,720 [thunderclaps] 411 00:24:50,800 --> 00:24:53,800 Yeah, so I kind of have these dreams where... 412 00:24:54,960 --> 00:24:59,040 he appears, and it’s just, "Oh, hey. You’re back." 413 00:24:59,120 --> 00:25:00,760 -And he’s like, "Yeah, here I am." -Yeah. 414 00:25:00,840 --> 00:25:05,320 “Where did you go?” “Oh, you know,” and it’s this strange dialogue. 415 00:25:05,400 --> 00:25:07,440 We’re talking, and you know... 416 00:25:08,720 --> 00:25:11,880 -Yeah, you know this thing’s not right. -Yes. 417 00:25:16,800 --> 00:25:18,280 And it’s like... 418 00:25:19,280 --> 00:25:21,800 you know, "It’s so great to see you. 419 00:25:22,840 --> 00:25:25,240 Don’t go. Can you just like stay here?" 420 00:25:27,760 --> 00:25:28,680 And... 421 00:25:31,800 --> 00:25:34,080 I remember it’s this really strange thing. 422 00:25:34,160 --> 00:25:38,400 It’s like this warmth of something coming back. 423 00:25:38,480 --> 00:25:42,080 It feels quite complete, and then-- You know, and then you wake up. 424 00:25:42,760 --> 00:25:44,480 -And it’s completely severed. -Yeah. 425 00:25:44,560 --> 00:25:46,160 And... But... 426 00:25:48,000 --> 00:25:54,040 I just... I always remember this very repetitive dialogue of, 427 00:25:54,840 --> 00:25:57,120 you know, like, "Don’t go." 428 00:25:57,200 --> 00:25:58,800 -[Harriet] Yes. -Please stay. 429 00:25:59,560 --> 00:26:00,440 [Gwen] Yeah. 430 00:26:00,520 --> 00:26:02,520 [melancholic piano music playing] 431 00:26:09,480 --> 00:26:12,160 [Robin] I see Evelyn as like a... as a guardian. 432 00:26:12,240 --> 00:26:14,520 -[Orlando] Keeping an eye on you? -[Robin] Yeah. I don’t know. 433 00:26:14,600 --> 00:26:18,040 [Robin] If I had to pray, it would be to that, rather than... 434 00:26:19,560 --> 00:26:20,560 somewhere else. 435 00:26:25,760 --> 00:26:27,680 [Harriet] Evelyn loved this walk, didn’t he? 436 00:26:46,800 --> 00:26:48,760 [Orlando] Every day, I’m questioning 437 00:26:48,840 --> 00:26:50,880 whether or not this whole thing is a good idea. 438 00:26:51,440 --> 00:26:53,720 It’s really tough. Um... 439 00:26:53,800 --> 00:26:56,480 It’s so much harder than I thought this would be. 440 00:26:57,120 --> 00:26:58,000 Um... 441 00:26:58,520 --> 00:27:01,680 I’m struggling just to hold it all together. 442 00:27:19,000 --> 00:27:20,080 [Orlando] Are you all right? 443 00:27:20,840 --> 00:27:22,400 -[Gwen] All right. -How are you, Gwennie? 444 00:27:22,480 --> 00:27:25,120 -Fine. How are you doing? -I'm good. 445 00:27:25,200 --> 00:27:26,120 -Hi. -Look at me. 446 00:27:26,200 --> 00:27:27,800 -How was your journey? -Hello, sweetheart. 447 00:27:27,880 --> 00:27:28,720 Darling. [kisses] 448 00:27:28,840 --> 00:27:30,480 [man] It was boring as hell. 449 00:27:30,560 --> 00:27:32,800 Oh, why didn’t you do something more interesting? 450 00:27:32,880 --> 00:27:34,160 Why was it boring? 451 00:27:34,720 --> 00:27:36,880 Because it is. Some people on the train. 452 00:27:36,960 --> 00:27:38,200 -[woman laughs] -[Gwen] Hi, Jo! 453 00:27:38,280 --> 00:27:39,160 Hi, Gwennie! [chuckles] 454 00:27:39,240 --> 00:27:41,000 -[Robin] The man. -[Gwen] I like your sunglasses. 455 00:27:41,080 --> 00:27:43,600 [man] Unfortunately, the marriage fell apart... 456 00:27:43,680 --> 00:27:46,200 [inhales] ...when the kids were still very young. 457 00:27:46,280 --> 00:27:47,800 I mean, Robin was barely born. 458 00:27:47,880 --> 00:27:49,480 Evelyn was... 459 00:27:49,560 --> 00:27:52,960 Eighty-eight. Evelyn was six, and so as he grew up, 460 00:27:53,040 --> 00:27:54,760 I always felt he was sort of the... 461 00:27:55,280 --> 00:28:00,000 um... the strongest link between myself and maybe his mother. 462 00:28:01,680 --> 00:28:05,520 And I feel I had a very similar role in my own family. 463 00:28:05,840 --> 00:28:07,400 [water flowing] 464 00:28:07,480 --> 00:28:11,360 Evelyn was much more in touch with being from my part of the family, 465 00:28:11,440 --> 00:28:16,360 of an Einsiedel... [stuttering] ...than you or Gwennie, you know? 466 00:28:16,440 --> 00:28:19,320 Um... Gwennie is completely, 467 00:28:20,120 --> 00:28:23,360 I think emotionally on the Duckworth side. 468 00:28:23,440 --> 00:28:25,720 Do you want to explain that a little bit further? 469 00:28:25,800 --> 00:28:27,640 My strongest impression will be 470 00:28:27,720 --> 00:28:30,840 the enormous amount of tension there was in the air when we arrived. 471 00:28:31,360 --> 00:28:33,600 It was crackling, and I think-- And... 472 00:28:35,760 --> 00:28:38,400 I thought, you know, that something will explode. 473 00:28:38,800 --> 00:28:42,600 And I thought it would be likely to be Gwennie and Andreas 474 00:28:42,680 --> 00:28:44,400 because it was just electric. 475 00:28:44,480 --> 00:28:49,640 No, I can’t really explain that, Gwennie. It’s only... It’s only your... um... 476 00:28:50,120 --> 00:28:51,920 The things you like in life. 477 00:28:52,000 --> 00:28:54,080 I’m not being critical. 478 00:28:54,240 --> 00:28:55,720 Uh... The-- The-- 479 00:28:55,800 --> 00:28:59,080 You know, you were extremely close to your granny. Um... 480 00:28:59,160 --> 00:29:03,560 You know, you’re drawn towards Scotland. All these things. It’s quite natural. 481 00:29:05,920 --> 00:29:09,040 And Evelyn was actually the only one who spent a bit of time in Germany, you know. 482 00:29:09,120 --> 00:29:11,240 Don’t forget, in his gap year, he spent... 483 00:29:12,000 --> 00:29:14,200 I don’t know, two months, three months in Munich. 484 00:29:14,520 --> 00:29:16,600 He was the best German speaker of you. 485 00:29:17,160 --> 00:29:18,600 -[Gwen] Uh... -[scoffs] 486 00:29:19,120 --> 00:29:20,080 At the time. 487 00:29:20,160 --> 00:29:22,240 -I think you’re romant-- See, this is it. -Possibly. 488 00:29:22,320 --> 00:29:25,680 This is it. This is where your memory is now romanticizing Evelyn. 489 00:29:25,760 --> 00:29:27,160 Yeah, maybe. Was your German better? 490 00:29:27,240 --> 00:29:29,120 I was the only one that did it for A Level. 491 00:29:29,200 --> 00:29:31,480 Right, okay. Well, that... Yes. 492 00:29:31,560 --> 00:29:34,560 And-- And then also spent time there. 493 00:29:34,640 --> 00:29:37,040 -But not as much as E. -And you always said, 494 00:29:37,520 --> 00:29:39,760 "Of all my children, you’re the best German speaker." 495 00:29:39,840 --> 00:29:42,160 Okay. I take it back then, Gwennie. Then it was you. 496 00:29:42,240 --> 00:29:43,600 No. I mean, I’m not-- It’s fine. 497 00:29:43,680 --> 00:29:45,120 I’m happy for Evelyn to have that medal 498 00:29:45,200 --> 00:29:46,160 -because he did-- -[chuckling] 499 00:29:46,240 --> 00:29:47,400 But it’s just-- I’m just-- 500 00:29:47,480 --> 00:29:51,160 I want to pull you up a little bit because I think sometimes when people die... 501 00:29:51,240 --> 00:29:52,200 Okay. Yes. 502 00:29:53,200 --> 00:29:56,360 -We view them with qualities-- -We view them with-- 503 00:29:56,440 --> 00:30:00,040 Qualities, you know, which they may not have had. 504 00:30:00,120 --> 00:30:02,440 That’s absolutely possible. 505 00:30:02,520 --> 00:30:05,320 [Johanna] Have you read any of the things that we handed over to... 506 00:30:06,080 --> 00:30:08,240 Orlando? You know, the paperwork? 507 00:30:08,320 --> 00:30:10,200 -[Robin] From what? -From E's... 508 00:30:10,280 --> 00:30:12,520 There’s some reports from the Maudsley-- 509 00:30:12,640 --> 00:30:13,520 [Robin] No, I haven’t. 510 00:30:13,760 --> 00:30:15,840 Now Evelyn had started to change... 511 00:30:16,240 --> 00:30:17,160 [inhales] 512 00:30:19,160 --> 00:30:21,480 ...actually when he was 18. 513 00:30:21,560 --> 00:30:22,400 Schizophrenia. 514 00:30:22,480 --> 00:30:26,280 It manifests itself typically in boys in the late teens, 515 00:30:26,360 --> 00:30:28,480 and I think Evelyn was no exception there. 516 00:30:28,560 --> 00:30:29,640 [inhales] 517 00:30:30,200 --> 00:30:34,120 We have a history in my family of male suicide... 518 00:30:34,920 --> 00:30:37,800 unfortunately, and, um... 519 00:30:39,080 --> 00:30:42,840 somehow, I just felt it, and it was my worry. 520 00:30:42,920 --> 00:30:46,040 When Evelyn became ill, it was my increasing worry 521 00:30:47,440 --> 00:30:50,360 that this will be a likely outcome. 522 00:30:50,440 --> 00:30:55,960 And everybody, the medicals, the doctors who treated him, who saw him, 523 00:30:57,440 --> 00:30:59,840 said this was not the case. “He’s not suicidal.” 524 00:30:59,920 --> 00:31:03,560 When Evelyn got quite ill and was put into the Maudsley, 525 00:31:03,640 --> 00:31:05,640 Bougle got ill, my mother, 526 00:31:06,120 --> 00:31:10,040 and she had to go to be hospitalized with depression as well. 527 00:31:10,520 --> 00:31:12,600 So Bougle spent six months in that hospital, 528 00:31:12,680 --> 00:31:15,560 and that overlapped with Evelyn dying. 529 00:31:16,280 --> 00:31:17,640 And... 530 00:31:18,760 --> 00:31:20,040 when I told her that, 531 00:31:20,560 --> 00:31:24,600 she said to me, “I’ve spoken to my doctor here, the consultant, 532 00:31:25,280 --> 00:31:26,800 and he said to me, 533 00:31:27,280 --> 00:31:30,560 'If your son had been in our care, this would not have happened.’” 534 00:31:33,040 --> 00:31:33,880 Right? 535 00:31:34,520 --> 00:31:39,400 So, again, that was not exactly what I wanted to hear. 536 00:31:39,480 --> 00:31:40,320 Um... 537 00:31:40,600 --> 00:31:41,440 Who said that? 538 00:31:41,520 --> 00:31:43,080 [Andreas] The German doctor. 539 00:31:43,160 --> 00:31:46,160 The German psychiatrist said this would not have happened, which of course, 540 00:31:46,240 --> 00:31:49,400 you know, I don’t put much credence to this, but-- 541 00:31:49,480 --> 00:31:53,040 Well, maybe you should compare young male suicide rate 542 00:31:53,120 --> 00:31:56,320 between Germany and the UK. 543 00:31:56,400 --> 00:31:58,600 They kill themselves there just as much. Um... 544 00:31:59,440 --> 00:32:00,760 And... um... 545 00:32:02,080 --> 00:32:03,800 But I’ve come to the conclusion... 546 00:32:04,960 --> 00:32:07,920 now that, you know, what else can you think? 547 00:32:08,000 --> 00:32:10,960 I’m not going to go say, “Look, we could have avoided this 548 00:32:11,040 --> 00:32:13,120 had he had better medical care.” 549 00:32:13,200 --> 00:32:16,520 [inhales] Um... You know, better medical care wasn’t available, 550 00:32:16,600 --> 00:32:20,320 and I don’t think actually it would have made a difference, 551 00:32:21,240 --> 00:32:22,200 quite frankly. 552 00:32:27,360 --> 00:32:28,960 I don’t know. But, anyway, look... 553 00:32:29,520 --> 00:32:34,560 I don’t want to go there because the idea that it could have been prevented 554 00:32:34,640 --> 00:32:36,120 is just too much to bear. 555 00:32:37,280 --> 00:32:38,120 [sniffs] 556 00:32:39,720 --> 00:32:40,560 [bangs] No! 557 00:32:40,640 --> 00:32:42,800 [Andreas] I’m sorry! I’m not chilling out! These are people. 558 00:32:42,880 --> 00:32:45,080 They need to understand how to do things! 559 00:32:45,160 --> 00:32:46,400 Dad, stop it. 560 00:32:47,240 --> 00:32:49,920 Don’t criticize me when I tell these people how to do it! 561 00:32:50,000 --> 00:32:51,320 -I’m just saying... -Do it properly. 562 00:32:51,440 --> 00:32:53,840 -...chill the fuck out. -Chill out, okay. 563 00:32:57,320 --> 00:32:58,400 Jesus. 564 00:32:59,720 --> 00:33:01,040 -[Gwen] Wow. -[Andreas clears throat] 565 00:33:01,120 --> 00:33:02,320 -Jeez. -It's not a big deal. 566 00:33:06,120 --> 00:33:07,040 I’m sorry. 567 00:33:09,200 --> 00:33:11,840 I know you don’t like being challenged, but sometimes-- 568 00:33:11,920 --> 00:33:14,960 -I don’t think you can behave like that. -[Johanna] Nobody does. Nor do you. 569 00:33:15,040 --> 00:33:19,120 Fine, but I’m still the one to bring it up because it makes us all feel awful. 570 00:33:19,200 --> 00:33:20,040 No! 571 00:33:20,120 --> 00:33:22,440 We’re dealing with really difficult material! 572 00:33:22,520 --> 00:33:25,200 -But that’s completely separate really! -And for you to lose your shit 573 00:33:25,280 --> 00:33:27,920 about the fact that your meal came together is like... 574 00:33:28,000 --> 00:33:29,040 Really? 575 00:33:30,160 --> 00:33:32,320 One has nothing to do with the other. 576 00:33:33,400 --> 00:33:34,720 Separate that. 577 00:33:38,320 --> 00:33:41,080 If you're in a restaurant, you're not doing their job. 578 00:33:41,480 --> 00:33:42,440 It’s okay. 579 00:33:42,520 --> 00:33:44,440 -Gwennie, drop it-- -That’s all it is. 580 00:33:46,120 --> 00:33:48,120 [indistinct chatter] 581 00:33:56,040 --> 00:33:58,960 I just don’t-- Also, I’m sorry we’re not like... 582 00:33:59,560 --> 00:34:04,360 like, we don’t revere you like some kind of like respecting father figure. 583 00:34:04,440 --> 00:34:06,480 You don’t have to revere me. I don’t want that! 584 00:34:06,560 --> 00:34:09,240 -Well, then accept that in order-- -We don’t have that relationship. 585 00:34:09,320 --> 00:34:11,000 -But I do, Gwen. -Yeah, I know. 586 00:34:11,080 --> 00:34:13,440 -I do accept it! -Exactly, but then great. 587 00:34:13,520 --> 00:34:15,240 -I do accept it. -Thank you for accepting it. 588 00:34:15,320 --> 00:34:18,280 No, I completely accept it. I know I was an idiot. 589 00:34:19,560 --> 00:34:21,240 You know? Sorry. 590 00:34:22,120 --> 00:34:24,160 I don’t know why I lose my temper like this 591 00:34:24,240 --> 00:34:26,560 on, kind of, on a nothing, you know? 592 00:34:26,640 --> 00:34:29,240 -On a complete nothing. -On a complete nothing, you know, but-- 593 00:34:29,320 --> 00:34:31,480 -And in such a public space. Just-- -Yes. 594 00:34:35,120 --> 00:34:37,280 But it was a combination of things, I think. 595 00:34:38,680 --> 00:34:39,600 [Andreas exhales] 596 00:34:40,120 --> 00:34:45,160 [Johanna] Right or wrong, Orlando, I feel Gwennie does hold Andreas 597 00:34:45,240 --> 00:34:51,640 quite responsible for some of Evelyn’s situation and for other things. She's-- 598 00:34:52,680 --> 00:34:55,280 She’s furious with him a lot. 599 00:35:09,200 --> 00:35:10,880 -[Gwen] Wow! -[Orlando] Oh, wow! 600 00:35:10,960 --> 00:35:12,320 -Nice! -[Andreas] Wow! Look at that! 601 00:35:13,680 --> 00:35:14,520 That’s pretty cool. 602 00:35:19,560 --> 00:35:21,040 I think this is a photo op. 603 00:35:22,720 --> 00:35:24,280 -[Gwen] Water shoot. -[Orlando] Yeah. 604 00:35:24,360 --> 00:35:25,600 [Andreas] Let's turn around. 605 00:35:25,720 --> 00:35:27,920 -[Gwen] Think the boys climbed up there? -[Andreas] Ready. 606 00:35:30,200 --> 00:35:31,120 [scoffs] 607 00:35:34,440 --> 00:35:35,280 [camera clicks] 608 00:35:39,440 --> 00:35:41,720 [Gwen] Happy birthday to our beautiful brother, Evelyn. 609 00:35:42,320 --> 00:35:43,640 He would have been 35 today, 610 00:35:43,720 --> 00:35:47,440 but lost his battle with schizophrenia and ended his own life 13 years ago. 611 00:35:47,800 --> 00:35:51,000 In some ways, it feels like an age away, and in others, like only yesterday. 612 00:35:51,600 --> 00:35:54,760 In his memory, Orlando, Robin and I have been walking across the UK 613 00:35:54,840 --> 00:35:57,640 visiting places where we spent time together as kids and sharing a grief 614 00:35:57,720 --> 00:36:00,480 that up to this point we’ve been unable to talk about. 615 00:36:01,000 --> 00:36:03,360 If you knew Evelyn, you’ll remember his infectious laughter, 616 00:36:03,440 --> 00:36:05,440 huge smile and all-embracing hugs. 617 00:36:06,160 --> 00:36:07,640 We miss him so much. 618 00:36:08,480 --> 00:36:11,000 We absolutely need to keep talking about mental illness. 619 00:36:11,080 --> 00:36:12,360 We need to fight the stigma, 620 00:36:12,440 --> 00:36:15,640 question why suicide remains the biggest killer of young men in this country, 621 00:36:15,720 --> 00:36:18,520 and push for better care from our mental health services. 622 00:36:21,320 --> 00:36:22,480 [Orlando] I think it’s lovely. 623 00:36:22,560 --> 00:36:24,440 I don’t think you need to change a single thing. 624 00:36:24,520 --> 00:36:27,200 I’m not asking you to tell me to change anything. 625 00:36:27,520 --> 00:36:29,720 I just wanted to listen to it. 626 00:36:29,800 --> 00:36:30,760 I wouldn't... 627 00:36:31,240 --> 00:36:32,360 [Orlando] It’s great. 628 00:36:32,560 --> 00:36:34,080 [panting] 629 00:36:34,160 --> 00:36:37,080 I definitely do not remember this walk, Orlando. 630 00:36:39,480 --> 00:36:40,840 You did it, though. 631 00:36:40,920 --> 00:36:42,440 -Well-- -How could you not remember? 632 00:36:42,520 --> 00:36:44,720 No. Again, it’s so beautiful, 633 00:36:44,800 --> 00:36:46,880 -I think I'd remember it. -It'll stay with me for life. 634 00:36:46,960 --> 00:36:48,920 I’ve never been around a lake like this. 635 00:36:49,320 --> 00:36:51,320 [birds chirping] 636 00:36:54,880 --> 00:36:56,800 [Gwen singing] 637 00:36:58,040 --> 00:36:59,840 You know, there was... 638 00:37:02,360 --> 00:37:03,880 I’ve always felt that... 639 00:37:04,720 --> 00:37:05,960 there’s three... 640 00:37:07,160 --> 00:37:10,080 days and three moments, or three days in the year... 641 00:37:10,960 --> 00:37:13,160 that I’ve always dreaded, 642 00:37:14,160 --> 00:37:15,320 and... 643 00:37:16,040 --> 00:37:17,000 They are? 644 00:37:17,760 --> 00:37:19,640 The anniversary of Evelyn’s death. 645 00:37:19,720 --> 00:37:22,160 -Yes. -The second of September. Yeah. 646 00:37:22,520 --> 00:37:25,760 Um... It’s not really the day, but the moment that... 647 00:37:26,600 --> 00:37:29,520 you give a toast on Christmas Eve... 648 00:37:29,600 --> 00:37:31,520 -[Andreas inhales sharply] -...towards E. 649 00:37:32,400 --> 00:37:33,880 Not dreaded-- 650 00:37:33,960 --> 00:37:36,400 You dreaded it because you were confronted with it. 651 00:37:36,480 --> 00:37:38,840 -Exactly. -You’ve been running away from it 652 00:37:38,920 --> 00:37:41,160 for 17 years. 653 00:37:41,240 --> 00:37:43,880 I know, and then today is the other day. 654 00:37:43,960 --> 00:37:45,720 -The birthday? -Yeah. 655 00:37:45,800 --> 00:37:46,640 [sniffs] 656 00:37:47,520 --> 00:37:49,240 I don’t feel that today, though. 657 00:37:49,320 --> 00:37:51,680 You feel you’ve actually now... [clears throat] 658 00:37:52,760 --> 00:37:54,360 ...banned the ghost - exorcised? 659 00:37:54,440 --> 00:37:55,840 [stutters] I don’t know about that. 660 00:37:55,920 --> 00:37:59,560 -I didn’t wake up this morning feeling-- -On the way perhaps. 661 00:37:59,680 --> 00:38:00,680 I didn’t even-- 662 00:38:00,760 --> 00:38:03,320 Last night, I didn’t even think about today being... 663 00:38:04,280 --> 00:38:05,280 a tough day actually. 664 00:38:05,360 --> 00:38:06,560 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 665 00:38:07,840 --> 00:38:10,000 [dog barking] 666 00:38:10,080 --> 00:38:11,720 [Andreas] Are we having an ice cream break? 667 00:38:12,120 --> 00:38:13,560 Evelyn would have loved that. 668 00:38:13,640 --> 00:38:14,560 [ducks quacking] 669 00:38:14,640 --> 00:38:16,800 -[Johanna] Was he an ice cream man? -[Andreas] I’m sure he was. 670 00:38:16,880 --> 00:38:18,320 [Gwen] Do you wanna choose a single cone? 671 00:38:19,800 --> 00:38:21,920 -A flake? -[man] Hi. How are we doing? 672 00:38:22,000 --> 00:38:22,840 Good. 673 00:38:23,560 --> 00:38:24,520 What have you got, then? 674 00:38:25,120 --> 00:38:27,200 Everything that’s on the menu is down there. 675 00:38:27,280 --> 00:38:29,000 It’s all vanilla, the ice cream. 676 00:38:30,120 --> 00:38:31,040 Silly thing. 677 00:38:31,120 --> 00:38:32,320 I made a friend. 678 00:38:33,240 --> 00:38:35,000 I think we should take her with us. 679 00:38:35,960 --> 00:38:37,120 Come here, chick. 680 00:38:37,800 --> 00:38:39,200 -[camera clicks] -Lovely. 681 00:38:39,280 --> 00:38:41,560 We're walking in memory of our brother... 682 00:38:41,640 --> 00:38:43,040 -Oh, right. -...who... 683 00:38:43,400 --> 00:38:44,560 who took his own life... 684 00:38:44,640 --> 00:38:46,120 -Oh. -...thirteen years ago. 685 00:38:46,200 --> 00:38:47,680 -Oh, wow. -And... 686 00:38:48,720 --> 00:38:51,600 We don’t really talk about it, and we haven’t talked about it for a long time, 687 00:38:51,680 --> 00:38:56,000 but this is sort of a journey to do that and explore. 688 00:38:56,080 --> 00:38:58,720 It’s a really, really hard one to get over that. 689 00:38:58,800 --> 00:39:01,440 I have personal experience myself. 690 00:39:01,520 --> 00:39:03,760 My mother went four years ago in December. 691 00:39:03,840 --> 00:39:05,480 Oh, I’m so sorry. 692 00:39:05,560 --> 00:39:09,080 Yeah. No, I understand where you’re coming from, like, really. 693 00:39:13,280 --> 00:39:16,280 It just leaves you with no answers or anything, you know? 694 00:39:16,680 --> 00:39:17,560 It's a... 695 00:39:19,600 --> 00:39:20,960 Are you guys talking about it? 696 00:39:21,040 --> 00:39:24,440 Oh, yeah. Me and my sister are always open to talk about it. 697 00:39:24,520 --> 00:39:27,160 It’s not shunned away or anything along those lines. 698 00:39:27,480 --> 00:39:29,280 We're just as proud of her. You know? 699 00:39:29,360 --> 00:39:31,040 -Brilliant. -So... 700 00:39:31,920 --> 00:39:33,160 She thought nobody liked her. 701 00:39:33,720 --> 00:39:34,920 Frickin' hard, isn't it? 702 00:39:37,560 --> 00:39:39,320 -It’s really hard. -Yeah. 703 00:39:39,600 --> 00:39:41,520 [indistinct chatter] 704 00:39:41,600 --> 00:39:45,160 So, I went out with my sister last Tuesday to celebrate her life, 705 00:39:45,240 --> 00:39:46,640 and we're doing that every year. 706 00:39:46,720 --> 00:39:48,280 Last Tuesday, it was the 22nd, 707 00:39:48,360 --> 00:39:50,720 -and that was the day that she went. -Right. 708 00:39:50,800 --> 00:39:53,400 So, we’ve decided that we're going to do that every year. 709 00:39:53,480 --> 00:39:55,040 -We started that last year... -Brilliant. 710 00:39:55,120 --> 00:39:57,040 ...and that’s what we're gonna do, celebrate her life... 711 00:39:57,760 --> 00:39:59,360 when it ended, unfortunately. 712 00:39:59,440 --> 00:40:01,440 [chickens clucking] 713 00:40:02,160 --> 00:40:03,920 -I think that’s a great idea. -Yeah. 714 00:40:04,640 --> 00:40:07,000 It’s just an illness, and it's... 715 00:40:07,080 --> 00:40:09,200 Talking about it is better than anything. 716 00:40:10,240 --> 00:40:11,920 -It was really nice to meet you. -Likewise. 717 00:40:12,000 --> 00:40:14,600 -[Gwen] What was your mom called? -Amanda. 718 00:40:14,680 --> 00:40:16,480 -[Gwen] Amanda. -Our brother was called Evelyn. 719 00:40:16,560 --> 00:40:18,040 Today is actually his birthday. 720 00:40:18,120 --> 00:40:19,040 [man] Oh, wow. 721 00:40:19,120 --> 00:40:20,520 I'm Orlando's sister. I'm Gwennie. 722 00:40:20,600 --> 00:40:22,120 -Yeah. -What’s your name? 723 00:40:22,200 --> 00:40:23,600 -John. -John. 724 00:40:23,680 --> 00:40:25,200 Thanks for sharing, John. 725 00:40:25,280 --> 00:40:27,560 But I hope all goes well for you. 726 00:40:27,640 --> 00:40:28,520 Thanks, John. 727 00:40:29,000 --> 00:40:30,120 Good on you guys. 728 00:40:31,040 --> 00:40:32,080 -Thanks, mate. -Take care. 729 00:40:32,160 --> 00:40:33,360 Enjoy the rest of your day. 730 00:40:33,440 --> 00:40:34,760 [Orlando] Cheers. 731 00:40:34,840 --> 00:40:38,120 [Andreas] Orlando, amazing that you could tell him that immediately. 732 00:40:38,200 --> 00:40:39,720 You see, I had... 733 00:40:39,800 --> 00:40:43,400 I would have had huge hesitation to tell this man... 734 00:40:44,240 --> 00:40:47,720 [Gwen] Well, Orlando hesitated. It was a hesitation when we started... 735 00:40:48,600 --> 00:40:49,640 to say that. 736 00:40:49,720 --> 00:40:52,360 [Andreas] I would have said it’s a family film and left it at that, 737 00:40:52,440 --> 00:40:53,720 but brilliant for you. 738 00:40:55,320 --> 00:40:57,080 [Gwen] Hey, put that bowl somewhere else. 739 00:40:57,160 --> 00:40:58,880 [Johanna humming] 740 00:41:02,680 --> 00:41:06,760 [Andreas] Gwennie, I got messages today from my family remembering Evelyn, 741 00:41:06,840 --> 00:41:08,560 which has actually never happened. 742 00:41:08,640 --> 00:41:09,800 [country music playing] 743 00:41:09,880 --> 00:41:11,200 -You know? -But that’s because-- 744 00:41:11,280 --> 00:41:12,960 Do they know what you’re doing right now? 745 00:41:13,440 --> 00:41:16,360 Well, my sister does, but my brothers don’t. 746 00:41:16,440 --> 00:41:18,960 I think this is a result really. 747 00:41:20,320 --> 00:41:21,800 [Johanna] Have you spoken to Beta? 748 00:41:21,880 --> 00:41:23,040 -We tried to call her. -[Johanna] Today? 749 00:41:23,120 --> 00:41:24,880 -No. I haven’t. -[Orlando] I’m calling her now. 750 00:41:25,160 --> 00:41:27,360 I tried about 20 minutes ago, and she didn’t answer. 751 00:41:27,440 --> 00:41:29,360 -[Johanna] Try the landline then. -[Robin] Mom? 752 00:41:30,320 --> 00:41:31,480 Hi. 753 00:41:31,560 --> 00:41:32,520 How are you? 754 00:41:33,520 --> 00:41:34,360 Oh, nice. 755 00:41:34,440 --> 00:41:35,880 [Orlando] Put it on speaker so we can all hear. 756 00:41:35,960 --> 00:41:38,040 [Robin] Mom, I’m just gonna put you on speaker phone. 757 00:41:38,120 --> 00:41:40,480 -[Orlando] We’re all here... -[Robin laughs] 758 00:41:40,560 --> 00:41:42,880 [Orlando] Dad, Jo, Gwennie, Robin. 759 00:41:43,720 --> 00:41:45,640 [Orlando] We’re phoning to send you lots of love. 760 00:41:45,720 --> 00:41:47,280 [Robin] Mom, you’re on loud speaker. 761 00:41:47,360 --> 00:41:48,640 [Gwen] We can all hear you. 762 00:41:48,720 --> 00:41:50,080 -[Harriet] Okay. -[Robin] Hello. 763 00:41:50,160 --> 00:41:52,120 -I’m on loud speaker, am I? -Yes. 764 00:41:52,200 --> 00:41:55,320 Well, it’s been Evelyn’s day, hasn’t it? 765 00:41:55,400 --> 00:41:59,280 Thinking of Evelyn in my mind, and I said happy birthday to him, 766 00:41:59,360 --> 00:42:02,920 outside Westcroft moor, and then I said, 767 00:42:03,000 --> 00:42:06,280 “I don’t know what else I could have done more for you, Evelyn. 768 00:42:06,360 --> 00:42:08,280 I just wish you were here.” 769 00:42:08,360 --> 00:42:10,040 And, for a minute, 770 00:42:10,120 --> 00:42:15,680 it was like he was by the back door just for one second in my head. 771 00:42:15,760 --> 00:42:17,880 Where are you in Cumbria? 772 00:42:17,960 --> 00:42:21,880 [Orlando] We’re near Penrith, and we’re cooking a barbecue. 773 00:42:21,960 --> 00:42:23,320 We’re having a barbecue. 774 00:42:23,400 --> 00:42:25,160 Its been lovely weather today. 775 00:42:25,600 --> 00:42:26,440 [Harriet] Is it? 776 00:42:26,520 --> 00:42:27,600 Yeah, and we’re... 777 00:42:27,680 --> 00:42:30,080 We've got a table full of candles, 778 00:42:30,160 --> 00:42:32,400 and we’ve opened some Prosecco, 779 00:42:32,480 --> 00:42:34,040 and we just toasted E, Mom. 780 00:42:34,440 --> 00:42:36,800 [Harriet] Well, listen, it’s very nice to talk to you. 781 00:42:36,880 --> 00:42:39,200 Thank you for speaking. 782 00:42:39,280 --> 00:42:40,360 [Robin] Thanks, Mom. 783 00:42:40,440 --> 00:42:42,160 [laughs] 784 00:42:42,240 --> 00:42:44,920 The gremlins are going to kill the cat! 785 00:42:45,000 --> 00:42:47,320 -[Andreas] I think that’s a good moment... -[Johanna] Signing off then. 786 00:42:47,400 --> 00:42:48,360 ...to let you go now. 787 00:42:48,440 --> 00:42:49,560 -[Gwen] Mama. -Love you. 788 00:42:49,640 --> 00:42:50,920 Love you, Mama. 789 00:42:51,000 --> 00:42:52,760 -[Orlando] Bye, Mom. -Just let her save the cats. 790 00:42:52,840 --> 00:42:54,000 Mom, save the cat. 791 00:42:54,080 --> 00:42:56,360 -Save the cat. -[Johanna] Who’s killing the cat? 792 00:42:56,440 --> 00:42:57,280 [laughs] 793 00:42:57,360 --> 00:42:59,400 [Gwen] The gremlins are trying to kill the cat. 794 00:42:59,480 --> 00:43:01,800 Let's cheers to Mom. Here's to Harriet. 795 00:43:01,880 --> 00:43:03,320 -[Johanna] Absolutely. -[Andreas] To Mom. 796 00:43:03,400 --> 00:43:05,280 -[Johanna] Absolutely. -Cheers. 797 00:43:05,720 --> 00:43:07,240 That was a classic sign off. 798 00:43:07,320 --> 00:43:08,680 [laughs] 799 00:43:09,640 --> 00:43:11,640 I’ve always acknowledged the enormous... 800 00:43:13,600 --> 00:43:16,600 sacrifice she made for you, and, you know, the... 801 00:43:17,120 --> 00:43:19,920 the incredible love she’s been able to give to you, which is-- 802 00:43:20,000 --> 00:43:23,520 It’s fantastic, and I’ve always acknowledged that 803 00:43:23,600 --> 00:43:25,000 and, um... 804 00:43:25,560 --> 00:43:27,400 and what a wonderful mother she is, you know. 805 00:43:27,480 --> 00:43:30,240 It just was for us impossible to live together, 806 00:43:31,200 --> 00:43:35,040 and, in many ways, our marriage failed. 807 00:43:38,320 --> 00:43:41,840 You know, it did not only set her free, but it set me free as well 808 00:43:41,920 --> 00:43:44,840 because we're just-- We were so incompatible. 809 00:43:44,920 --> 00:43:46,280 [fly buzzing] 810 00:43:46,840 --> 00:43:49,680 [Orlando] Well, they didn’t speak for-- for what? 811 00:43:49,760 --> 00:43:55,640 For... Since... From the age of when I was eight to pretty much to Evelyn’s death. 812 00:43:56,120 --> 00:43:58,440 I mean, you spoke a little bit when he was ill, 813 00:43:58,840 --> 00:44:01,440 but you didn’t really speak. You communicated with letters. 814 00:44:01,920 --> 00:44:03,200 -And then-- -[Gwen] Or through us. 815 00:44:03,280 --> 00:44:04,280 Or through us. 816 00:44:04,880 --> 00:44:08,280 And then Evelyn dying, and then, you know, 817 00:44:08,360 --> 00:44:11,200 we spent two Christmases together, didn’t we? All of us. 818 00:44:11,600 --> 00:44:13,200 -And then I-- -[Andreas] Yeah, we did that. 819 00:44:13,280 --> 00:44:14,960 That doesn’t mean we talked. It just meant-- 820 00:44:15,040 --> 00:44:16,760 -[Orlando] Well, whatever. -Things were moved 821 00:44:16,840 --> 00:44:18,920 -onto a slightly more civilized level. -[Orlando] Sure. 822 00:44:20,080 --> 00:44:23,320 I would then say it's faded away a bit since then. 823 00:44:24,200 --> 00:44:25,160 That’s fine. 824 00:44:25,920 --> 00:44:27,920 [melancholic music playing] 825 00:44:37,440 --> 00:44:39,440 [Andreas panting] 826 00:44:52,120 --> 00:44:56,080 I’m getting slowly wet from the outside and wet from the inside. 827 00:44:58,560 --> 00:45:00,560 [panting] 828 00:45:01,880 --> 00:45:03,960 -[Robin] What's happening on the inside? -[sighs] What? 829 00:45:04,040 --> 00:45:05,840 [Gwen chuckles] What's happening on the inside? 830 00:45:06,280 --> 00:45:08,280 [Andreas and Robin laugh] 831 00:45:09,720 --> 00:45:11,120 [Gwen] He had an accident. 832 00:45:12,760 --> 00:45:13,840 [Gwen chuckles] 833 00:45:13,920 --> 00:45:14,880 Stop it. 834 00:45:15,320 --> 00:45:18,200 -[Gwen sniffs and chuckles] -Give more respect, please. 835 00:45:20,920 --> 00:45:22,920 [Robin panting] 836 00:45:24,320 --> 00:45:26,320 [bird hooting] 837 00:45:33,800 --> 00:45:35,480 [Orlando] Who told you guys, then? 838 00:45:35,560 --> 00:45:38,000 [Andreas] Beta called me. 839 00:45:40,000 --> 00:45:41,080 [exhales] 840 00:45:41,480 --> 00:45:43,480 [panting] 841 00:45:46,560 --> 00:45:47,880 I’ll tell you tonight. 842 00:45:49,240 --> 00:45:50,120 [Gwen] No, do it now 843 00:45:50,200 --> 00:45:53,320 because I think I’m not gonna wanna revisit this later on. 844 00:45:53,400 --> 00:45:54,240 You don’t. 845 00:45:54,320 --> 00:45:56,960 [Gwen] Have at it. While we’re doing this, we might as well just... 846 00:45:57,440 --> 00:45:58,640 let it all out. 847 00:45:59,560 --> 00:46:00,920 Dad... I don’t know. 848 00:46:06,040 --> 00:46:07,040 Well... 849 00:46:09,800 --> 00:46:11,800 [panting] 850 00:46:14,160 --> 00:46:18,280 I got a call from Beta about three o’clock in the afternoon, four o’clock maybe... 851 00:46:18,360 --> 00:46:20,360 [vehicle approaching] 852 00:46:34,280 --> 00:46:37,000 ...and it was a call I’ve been dreading. 853 00:46:37,680 --> 00:46:41,080 When I saw her number on the display, I had a feeling. 854 00:46:41,760 --> 00:46:44,560 I knew what it was, and I’d spoken to Evelyn the night before. 855 00:46:44,640 --> 00:46:46,680 I’d spoken to Gwennie the same morning, 856 00:46:46,760 --> 00:46:49,560 and I asked Gwennie, I asked you, "Gwennie, where’s Evelyn?” 857 00:46:49,640 --> 00:46:51,920 And you said, “Oh, he’s not in his room.” 858 00:46:52,000 --> 00:46:54,640 I said, “Where is he?” “He’s probably with a friend.” 859 00:46:55,920 --> 00:46:56,920 You know? 860 00:46:57,440 --> 00:47:01,480 I asked her to go to his room and check, and he wasn’t there. 861 00:47:01,560 --> 00:47:04,000 And then you said, “Oh, he’s probably with a friend.” 862 00:47:04,080 --> 00:47:07,160 Anyway, I didn’t say anything. I didn’t say "go and check the garden." 863 00:47:07,240 --> 00:47:08,440 Thank goodness. 864 00:47:08,920 --> 00:47:09,800 Um... 865 00:47:10,040 --> 00:47:13,960 Anyway, I got that call from Beta at three or four o’clock in the afternoon, 866 00:47:14,040 --> 00:47:15,120 and she said, 867 00:47:15,760 --> 00:47:17,040 “I’ve lost my baby.” 868 00:47:18,080 --> 00:47:20,680 That’s what she said. And I immediately thought... 869 00:47:20,760 --> 00:47:23,760 I thought about Robin... at that moment. 870 00:47:23,840 --> 00:47:25,120 [chuckles] Really. [sniffs] 871 00:47:25,200 --> 00:47:28,320 Not about Evelyn, for about a second or two, 872 00:47:29,240 --> 00:47:31,680 and then she told me everything. 873 00:47:32,720 --> 00:47:34,400 It was grim. That was grim. 874 00:47:37,320 --> 00:47:40,440 And I was working in somebody else’s house, 875 00:47:40,520 --> 00:47:43,640 so you have to pull yourself together somehow. 876 00:47:45,600 --> 00:47:47,520 Thank goodness Jo was there and, um... 877 00:47:48,720 --> 00:47:52,000 So I went outside in the garden and cried for half an hour. 878 00:47:52,080 --> 00:47:55,720 I think I spoke to Beta. I spoke to you as well again during that time. 879 00:47:55,800 --> 00:47:57,760 -I don't remember that. -Yeah. Yeah, yeah. 880 00:47:58,200 --> 00:47:59,360 And then... 881 00:48:01,160 --> 00:48:03,520 Um... I just went back to work, 882 00:48:06,360 --> 00:48:08,280 and I finished what I had to do. 883 00:48:09,680 --> 00:48:11,640 Also so grateful that I could do that. 884 00:48:12,200 --> 00:48:14,200 [melancholic piano music playing] 885 00:48:17,240 --> 00:48:19,240 [thunder rumbling] 886 00:48:29,640 --> 00:48:31,560 Gwennie, Robin, Gwennie. 887 00:48:32,280 --> 00:48:33,120 [camera clicks] 888 00:48:33,200 --> 00:48:35,320 [Andreas] It is absolutely gorgeous, isn’t it? 889 00:48:44,240 --> 00:48:46,360 [Orlando] It’s the legacy of what happened 890 00:48:46,440 --> 00:48:49,360 and how all of our relationships have been fractured. 891 00:48:50,040 --> 00:48:54,320 His presence has such an influence on how my family interacts. 892 00:48:55,240 --> 00:49:00,680 And if one part of this walk is that we change our relationship with our brother, 893 00:49:00,760 --> 00:49:04,440 that would obviously be great, but as a secondary thing, 894 00:49:04,520 --> 00:49:09,360 if we can mend some of the wounds in our own relationships, 895 00:49:09,880 --> 00:49:11,760 that would be fantastic. 896 00:49:13,360 --> 00:49:15,360 [wind blowing] 897 00:49:24,840 --> 00:49:26,840 [raindrops] 898 00:49:28,280 --> 00:49:29,600 [Orlando] Here’s the thing, right. 899 00:49:30,720 --> 00:49:34,640 I spent 13 years not thinking about E. 900 00:49:34,720 --> 00:49:35,560 [man] Mm-hmm. 901 00:49:35,640 --> 00:49:37,800 And I’ve forgotten-- It’s horrible, 902 00:49:37,880 --> 00:49:41,600 and I’ve forgotten so many stories and so many... things. 903 00:49:42,560 --> 00:49:43,400 Um... 904 00:49:45,240 --> 00:49:47,320 So it’s kind of wonderful just to listen. 905 00:49:47,640 --> 00:49:49,040 How do you not think about it? 906 00:49:49,120 --> 00:49:51,400 [stutters] I mean, I’m not challenging you. 907 00:49:51,480 --> 00:49:53,200 Leon, how long have we known each other, 908 00:49:53,280 --> 00:49:55,400 and how often have we spoken about E together? 909 00:49:55,480 --> 00:49:56,360 Oh... 910 00:49:56,760 --> 00:49:58,920 I would say I tried. [chuckles] I tried and... 911 00:50:00,240 --> 00:50:02,360 your-- your reaction was like... 912 00:50:04,400 --> 00:50:06,760 I don’t know. Almost like how you ask your parent something, 913 00:50:06,840 --> 00:50:09,120 and you know you shouldn’t be asking it. They're like, "No. 914 00:50:09,760 --> 00:50:11,200 Enough of that, okay?" 915 00:50:11,760 --> 00:50:14,200 I'm not going to say that ever again. [chuckles] 916 00:50:15,720 --> 00:50:17,040 [Leon] Evelyn was my best friend. 917 00:50:17,720 --> 00:50:19,360 Evelyn was my little brother. 918 00:50:20,240 --> 00:50:21,080 Um... 919 00:50:23,760 --> 00:50:26,440 And Evelyn, he was my comrade. 920 00:50:26,520 --> 00:50:28,680 -Hi. -[woman] Welcome to (inaudible)... 921 00:50:28,760 --> 00:50:30,240 Thank you very much. 922 00:50:30,320 --> 00:50:31,240 It’s lovely. 923 00:50:31,320 --> 00:50:32,320 [chuckling] 924 00:50:32,640 --> 00:50:33,720 How are you doing? 925 00:50:34,280 --> 00:50:35,240 Fine. 926 00:50:35,320 --> 00:50:36,920 Are you taking photographs? 927 00:50:37,000 --> 00:50:38,880 -We’re walking. -Are you? 928 00:50:38,960 --> 00:50:42,600 Yeah, from... Well, we started just outside Aviemore, 929 00:50:42,680 --> 00:50:44,200 -in memory of our-- -Just a wee stroll, then. 930 00:50:44,280 --> 00:50:45,560 -Just a stroll. -Yeah. 931 00:50:45,640 --> 00:50:47,440 -[woman laughs] -Just a gentle stroll. 932 00:50:47,520 --> 00:50:49,320 -In all our gear. -In memory of what? 933 00:50:49,400 --> 00:50:52,600 Yeah. We’re doing it in memory of our brother. 934 00:50:52,680 --> 00:50:53,920 Uh-huh. Wow. 935 00:50:54,000 --> 00:50:57,360 We haven’t-- Its been almost 13 years, 936 00:50:57,440 --> 00:51:01,200 and we realized that none of us really talked about what happened, so... 937 00:51:01,280 --> 00:51:02,560 Our brother... 938 00:51:03,160 --> 00:51:04,840 Those are his two best friends. 939 00:51:05,280 --> 00:51:06,920 -He took his own life. -[woman 2] Oh. 940 00:51:07,000 --> 00:51:09,680 [woman 1] Oh. Well, that’s a brilliant thing to do for him. 941 00:51:09,760 --> 00:51:11,240 [woman 2] Yeah. Yeah. 942 00:51:11,480 --> 00:51:14,920 -Our dad passed away. -We’re quite sad. Our dad just died. 943 00:51:15,000 --> 00:51:15,840 -Today! -Today! 944 00:51:15,920 --> 00:51:17,840 We couldn't bear to be there, so we came out. 945 00:51:17,920 --> 00:51:19,480 -Oh, I’m sorry. -I’m sorry. 946 00:51:19,560 --> 00:51:22,280 But he was 92, so it’s different. 947 00:51:22,360 --> 00:51:24,000 -Yeah. -Still... 948 00:51:24,080 --> 00:51:25,760 I wanna climb up Benlevy for him. 949 00:51:25,840 --> 00:51:27,640 -[woman 2] This one. -[Orlando] The one in the mist? 950 00:51:27,720 --> 00:51:29,280 [woman 1] There’s a bottle of whiskey at the top. 951 00:51:29,360 --> 00:51:32,640 My dad used to go up to the mountain rescue. 952 00:51:33,080 --> 00:51:35,760 And he knows someone from it, so he used to go up. 953 00:51:36,160 --> 00:51:39,800 One time he went up, anyway, and he found the whiskey and had a little bup. 954 00:51:39,880 --> 00:51:42,040 -Behind a bush. -It's a hidden whiskey. 955 00:51:42,120 --> 00:51:45,280 -We should head up there as well. -We should go and look for the bottle. 956 00:51:45,360 --> 00:51:46,680 -It's very well hidden. -Very. 957 00:51:46,760 --> 00:51:48,120 Give me the coordinates. 958 00:51:48,200 --> 00:51:51,360 -Here’s to your father. -You guys, too. 959 00:51:51,440 --> 00:51:52,880 To your brother. Yeah. 960 00:51:52,960 --> 00:51:54,640 -What was his name? -Evelyn. 961 00:51:54,720 --> 00:51:56,640 -Okay, here’s to Evelyn. -Thank you. 962 00:52:01,040 --> 00:52:01,880 [Robin] Say cheese! 963 00:52:01,960 --> 00:52:03,880 -Cheese! -Cheese! 964 00:52:11,120 --> 00:52:14,840 A lot of time I spent when I was like 13 or 14 was when... 965 00:52:14,920 --> 00:52:17,360 after my Dad committed suicide, 966 00:52:17,440 --> 00:52:20,480 so I spent a lot of time in the sort of family with them and... 967 00:52:21,480 --> 00:52:24,680 became a second home, really, I guess, in that sense. 968 00:52:24,760 --> 00:52:29,360 So, I wasn’t sure if it was half speaking about that or half asking of how... 969 00:52:30,600 --> 00:52:33,640 Because I think them as a family has really sort of helped me 970 00:52:33,720 --> 00:52:35,000 and a real sort of... 971 00:52:35,320 --> 00:52:38,520 just sort of a way to get away from what’s going on. 972 00:52:38,600 --> 00:52:40,600 [melancholic piano music playing] 973 00:53:06,600 --> 00:53:07,440 Yeah! 974 00:53:09,320 --> 00:53:10,160 Woo! 975 00:53:11,440 --> 00:53:12,960 Woo! Uh! 976 00:53:13,520 --> 00:53:14,920 [chuckles] 977 00:53:19,560 --> 00:53:20,880 [Orlando] Is Gwennie still asleep? 978 00:53:21,640 --> 00:53:22,480 Mm-hmm. 979 00:53:22,560 --> 00:53:23,520 [Orlando] Is she okay? 980 00:53:23,600 --> 00:53:24,440 Mm-hmm. 981 00:53:26,640 --> 00:53:29,000 -[Robin] But we found something out. -[Orlando] What? 982 00:53:29,800 --> 00:53:32,080 You were sleeping on about three... [laughing] 983 00:53:32,160 --> 00:53:36,080 Sleeping on about three sleeping bags and two mats, 984 00:53:36,160 --> 00:53:40,680 and you left me and Gwennie to sleep on these dodgy, little yoga mats. 985 00:53:40,760 --> 00:53:41,840 [all laugh] 986 00:53:41,920 --> 00:53:46,200 It was like-- He was like a prince in that tent. A little prince. 987 00:53:46,280 --> 00:53:47,120 [sniffs] 988 00:53:51,680 --> 00:53:53,600 -[Leon] We need to get you too. -[camera clicks] 989 00:53:54,000 --> 00:53:56,000 [Orlando] There's already plenty of me. 990 00:53:57,440 --> 00:53:58,360 Not in here. 991 00:53:58,840 --> 00:53:59,960 You can never have too much. 992 00:54:00,040 --> 00:54:01,800 [Orlando] This way, I get to hide behind the camera... 993 00:54:01,880 --> 00:54:04,920 -No, that's not the point. No. -...and ask the questions. [laughs] 994 00:54:08,720 --> 00:54:10,280 [Leon] How are you coping so far? 995 00:54:21,960 --> 00:54:24,520 I want you to tell me some memories today that make me laugh. 996 00:54:25,320 --> 00:54:27,120 I wanna hear funny things, Leon. 997 00:54:27,400 --> 00:54:29,240 I've got loads of those. Don't worry about that. 998 00:54:29,320 --> 00:54:30,160 [chuckles] 999 00:54:30,880 --> 00:54:33,240 [Orlando] Some happy ones when things were better. 1000 00:54:33,320 --> 00:54:34,640 [kids laughing] 1001 00:54:34,720 --> 00:54:36,720 [gentle music playing] 1002 00:54:44,960 --> 00:54:46,040 [clicks tongue twice] 1003 00:54:47,160 --> 00:54:49,000 Nice walk. Didn’t see anything. 1004 00:54:49,280 --> 00:54:50,880 [sniffs] Nice and windy. 1005 00:54:53,000 --> 00:54:55,000 It's good. I feel good. 1006 00:54:57,040 --> 00:54:57,880 [exhales] 1007 00:54:59,600 --> 00:55:00,760 [laughs] 1008 00:55:03,920 --> 00:55:05,880 [man] Give us a smile, man, and then go. 1009 00:55:14,120 --> 00:55:15,280 [friends cheering] Yeah! 1010 00:55:15,760 --> 00:55:17,400 [Gwen] It's the epitome of cool. 1011 00:55:18,200 --> 00:55:20,640 You know, you guys going off and skating at South Bank. 1012 00:55:20,720 --> 00:55:23,640 And that’s why I started rollerblading. I wanted to-- [chuckles] 1013 00:55:23,720 --> 00:55:26,360 -Wanted to keep up. -Wanted to be able to join in 1014 00:55:26,760 --> 00:55:31,160 and hang out at the South Bank with the cool boys. 1015 00:55:33,800 --> 00:55:36,360 You know, I was always really competitive with E. 1016 00:55:36,440 --> 00:55:38,160 [Jack] Yeah, I remember. 1017 00:55:38,240 --> 00:55:40,680 -Skateboarding was the one thing I just-- -[Jack] You couldn’t keep up. 1018 00:55:40,760 --> 00:55:42,160 I could never keep up with him on. 1019 00:55:42,240 --> 00:55:45,440 You got that silly board with the feet straps on, didn't you? 1020 00:55:47,200 --> 00:55:49,600 -[Orlando] Oh, wow! -[Gwen] Oh, this is like... 1021 00:55:50,400 --> 00:55:52,800 Payoff is quick for this one, isn’t it? 1022 00:55:54,960 --> 00:55:56,520 [Jack] Guys. [whistles] 1023 00:55:57,320 --> 00:55:58,160 [camera clicks] 1024 00:55:59,960 --> 00:56:02,320 -[Orlando] Why is he striding ahead? -[Jack] I'm not sure. 1025 00:56:02,400 --> 00:56:03,240 [sniffs] 1026 00:56:04,560 --> 00:56:06,840 -Do you talk much about your dad, Jack? -[sighs] Ah... 1027 00:56:07,840 --> 00:56:09,040 [huffs] At times. 1028 00:56:09,800 --> 00:56:12,160 More than happy to sort of talk about it and stuff. I never... 1029 00:56:13,160 --> 00:56:15,520 bring it to the table, but if someone asks, 1030 00:56:15,600 --> 00:56:17,600 then I’d happily sort of chat and stuff. 1031 00:56:17,680 --> 00:56:20,560 I’ve done it before when I've spoken, where I’ve said stuff 1032 00:56:20,640 --> 00:56:23,240 and sometimes it completely throws people. You know what I mean? 1033 00:56:23,920 --> 00:56:26,680 I guess I'm almost feeling bad for them. 1034 00:56:26,760 --> 00:56:29,680 I don't want to make people feel uncomfortable sometimes 1035 00:56:29,760 --> 00:56:31,120 in situations and stuff. 1036 00:56:31,200 --> 00:56:34,520 -That’s exactly how I've often felt. -Yeah. 1037 00:56:35,960 --> 00:56:38,840 There's a lot of stuff that I've buried for years. 1038 00:56:38,920 --> 00:56:40,600 Maybe not really even properly... 1039 00:56:42,240 --> 00:56:43,880 really thought about them 1040 00:56:43,960 --> 00:56:46,680 or sort of finalizing that sort of stuff. 1041 00:56:46,760 --> 00:56:50,920 I don't think you will ever really finalize a sort of thing like this. 1042 00:56:51,000 --> 00:56:55,840 I think you just grow to understand bits more, or just grow to sort of like... 1043 00:56:57,040 --> 00:56:57,880 Just... 1044 00:56:58,800 --> 00:57:04,360 -I know. You’re right. There’s never-- -[Jack] There’s no real finality to it. 1045 00:57:04,440 --> 00:57:09,760 I think you just grow to sort of live with it and deal with it and sort of let it be. 1046 00:57:12,040 --> 00:57:14,320 I think we all felt particularly... 1047 00:57:15,480 --> 00:57:16,760 sorry for you. 1048 00:57:22,360 --> 00:57:23,200 [huffs] 1049 00:57:25,360 --> 00:57:28,000 Sorry is the wrong word, Jack. I don’t know, but... 1050 00:57:32,000 --> 00:57:34,520 It’s bad enough to have to deal with these things once, right? 1051 00:57:34,600 --> 00:57:35,680 [chuckles] 1052 00:57:48,880 --> 00:57:49,760 [fly buzzing] 1053 00:57:51,600 --> 00:57:55,280 Isn't it crazy that we had an anniversary at ten years, 1054 00:57:55,800 --> 00:57:59,680 and yet still it was like it’s ten years, we should mark-- 1055 00:57:59,760 --> 00:58:01,520 -We should do something. -We should mark this, 1056 00:58:01,600 --> 00:58:03,960 but yet none of us talked about it still. 1057 00:58:04,760 --> 00:58:05,680 [Orlando sighs] 1058 00:58:07,920 --> 00:58:12,440 -There comes a time-- -[Robin] We did a-- There was a marking. 1059 00:58:12,520 --> 00:58:14,440 [Gwen] Yeah, there was a marking. 1060 00:58:14,520 --> 00:58:16,240 I think you're taking a liberty, you know. 1061 00:58:17,560 --> 00:58:18,440 Why? 1062 00:58:18,520 --> 00:58:20,200 Because you’re doing what you do, 1063 00:58:21,480 --> 00:58:24,520 and you’re asking the questions, so you don’t have to talk. 1064 00:58:24,840 --> 00:58:26,080 Now, you have to talk. 1065 00:58:26,760 --> 00:58:27,600 [panting] 1066 00:58:28,440 --> 00:58:29,280 Am I wrong? 1067 00:58:29,360 --> 00:58:32,280 I was listening to you behind me. [chuckles] 1068 00:58:32,360 --> 00:58:33,680 I was listening to you. 1069 00:58:33,760 --> 00:58:34,720 [fly buzzing] 1070 00:58:35,120 --> 00:58:38,080 [Leon] I've probably spent more time with Orlando than most other people, 1071 00:58:38,160 --> 00:58:40,200 and, you know, 1072 00:58:40,840 --> 00:58:43,240 I can always see when he’s trying to hide. 1073 00:58:43,320 --> 00:58:46,880 He’s trying to hide behind asking questions and stuff. 1074 00:58:47,640 --> 00:58:48,840 And it kind of amuses me. 1075 00:58:48,920 --> 00:58:52,280 Like, do you actually think I can’t see what you’re trying to do? 1076 00:58:52,360 --> 00:58:55,600 I was just letting him do it most of the time until this... 1077 00:58:55,680 --> 00:58:57,000 until now because... 1078 00:58:58,240 --> 00:59:00,560 I was like, you asked for this, so... 1079 00:59:00,640 --> 00:59:02,960 -[Leon] I feel almost... -[water flowing] 1080 00:59:03,040 --> 00:59:06,920 How can you feel you have the right to tell other people’s stories 1081 00:59:07,000 --> 00:59:11,480 and go so deep into their pain, 1082 00:59:12,480 --> 00:59:13,320 but... 1083 00:59:14,560 --> 00:59:16,480 Almost kind of refusing to do it. 1084 00:59:16,560 --> 00:59:20,800 -I mean, you’re not refusing now. -Who am I going to talk to? 1085 00:59:21,480 --> 00:59:26,560 I mean... No, because... No. I’m serious about that. I mean... 1086 00:59:26,640 --> 00:59:27,880 [birds screeching] 1087 00:59:27,960 --> 00:59:31,840 My brother and sister didn’t wanna deal with this at all, just like me, 1088 00:59:31,920 --> 00:59:33,560 so I don’t talk to them. 1089 00:59:34,320 --> 00:59:35,880 And-- I-- 1090 00:59:36,560 --> 00:59:39,040 I don’t know. You know... [stutters] I know how much... 1091 00:59:39,560 --> 00:59:42,560 I don’t know. I didn't wanna ever get into it with my mom and dad. 1092 00:59:45,560 --> 00:59:48,160 I don’t know. You know, sometimes it feels like such a burden 1093 00:59:48,240 --> 00:59:50,120 to even put on someone else anyway. 1094 00:59:51,640 --> 00:59:53,440 Yeah, but when a burden’s shared... 1095 00:59:55,920 --> 00:59:57,560 Yeah, but then, Leon, 1096 00:59:58,360 --> 01:00:00,200 it’s like opening up a box. 1097 01:00:02,840 --> 01:00:05,880 Life’s hard anyway. We all know that. 1098 01:00:06,760 --> 01:00:08,400 -I know, but-- -And if you can... 1099 01:00:08,480 --> 01:00:09,880 I mean, you know-- 1100 01:00:09,960 --> 01:00:12,880 Yeah, I’m aware that-- I always thought at some point... 1101 01:00:14,960 --> 01:00:16,920 everything would come back out again. 1102 01:00:17,920 --> 01:00:20,400 -So, you met in an unplanned way, right? -Yeah. 1103 01:00:20,480 --> 01:00:23,280 -[Leon] We come from other places. -Until that day. 1104 01:00:25,480 --> 01:00:27,880 You, like, come from, like, super privilege. 1105 01:00:27,960 --> 01:00:29,160 -And-- -Sure. 1106 01:00:30,080 --> 01:00:31,240 Obviously, that doesn’t-- 1107 01:00:31,680 --> 01:00:34,600 I mean, everyone’s pain experiences are relative, but... 1108 01:00:35,040 --> 01:00:38,800 the people that you’ve told stories about, 1109 01:00:39,320 --> 01:00:41,040 they were on the far end of the... 1110 01:00:41,640 --> 01:00:43,520 the opposite end of the scale. 1111 01:00:43,600 --> 01:00:45,520 And, like you say, life is hard. 1112 01:00:46,440 --> 01:00:50,240 That's hard for them, but you still dig and tell their story. 1113 01:00:54,200 --> 01:00:56,240 I think their options are... 1114 01:00:57,560 --> 01:01:00,600 They have a lot less options than you. 1115 01:01:01,040 --> 01:01:01,960 [panting] 1116 01:01:03,040 --> 01:01:04,680 I think from what I know of you, 1117 01:01:05,080 --> 01:01:07,720 because you’re someone who just gets on with things. 1118 01:01:08,920 --> 01:01:09,760 And it's a... 1119 01:01:10,320 --> 01:01:11,640 I guess a touch of that... 1120 01:01:13,120 --> 01:01:14,360 stiff upper lip, 1121 01:01:14,800 --> 01:01:17,800 man up, puff your chest out and just get on with it, 1122 01:01:18,320 --> 01:01:20,360 but that’s kind of a... 1123 01:01:21,760 --> 01:01:22,880 outdated view of... 1124 01:01:24,320 --> 01:01:25,720 masculinity, I guess. 1125 01:01:26,120 --> 01:01:27,320 And... 1126 01:01:28,440 --> 01:01:30,160 to see someone like you, 1127 01:01:30,680 --> 01:01:33,880 as successful as you are, being open and vulnerable, 1128 01:01:35,000 --> 01:01:37,640 that might make all the difference to someone watching this... 1129 01:01:38,360 --> 01:01:41,640 who hasn’t felt able to talk to anyone about how they’re feeling 1130 01:01:41,720 --> 01:01:44,840 because, you know, for fear of being seen as weak. 1131 01:01:47,200 --> 01:01:48,640 [birds screeching] 1132 01:01:48,720 --> 01:01:50,720 [indistinct chatter] 1133 01:01:51,480 --> 01:01:53,480 [Orlando] You know, I’m not scared about feeling weak 1134 01:01:53,560 --> 01:01:55,080 in front of anyone, other than... 1135 01:01:56,440 --> 01:01:57,560 my brother and sister. 1136 01:02:02,400 --> 01:02:03,920 I don’t care if you think I'm weak. 1137 01:02:04,000 --> 01:02:06,320 [Leon] I don’t think you’re weak. I don’t think you’re weak at all. 1138 01:02:06,440 --> 01:02:07,800 But I’m not-- That’s not... 1139 01:02:09,760 --> 01:02:12,120 That’s not the-- That's not my issue. 1140 01:02:14,520 --> 01:02:18,120 I don’t think they’d see it as weakness. I think they’d see it as a shared emotion. 1141 01:02:18,200 --> 01:02:20,040 They’re not alone in feeling that way. 1142 01:02:20,880 --> 01:02:23,840 If big brother feels that way, maybe it’s okay for me to feel that way. 1143 01:02:26,320 --> 01:02:30,080 Yeah. I mean, listen, logically, I totally agree with you. It’s just... 1144 01:02:31,560 --> 01:02:36,240 Every part of my body, even having this conversation with you, is so tense. 1145 01:02:37,320 --> 01:02:38,480 When this is over, 1146 01:02:38,560 --> 01:02:41,040 you know, like the way you thought Gwennie would regret it 1147 01:02:41,120 --> 01:02:42,800 if she hadn’t come and slept in the tent. 1148 01:02:44,000 --> 01:02:45,280 You’re gonna kick yourself. 1149 01:02:46,520 --> 01:02:49,120 And how I think you’re going to feel if you don’t... 1150 01:02:50,800 --> 01:02:52,960 open up completely. How are you going to feel later on? 1151 01:02:56,040 --> 01:02:59,360 Because later on, everyone’s going to go back to their lives 1152 01:02:59,440 --> 01:03:00,360 and do what they do. 1153 01:03:00,440 --> 01:03:02,640 I don’t even know what opening up completely is. 1154 01:03:03,120 --> 01:03:04,760 You’re saying that to me. 1155 01:03:05,520 --> 01:03:08,920 I’m trying to talk about this, and... 1156 01:03:10,840 --> 01:03:13,560 What does that even look like from your point of view? 1157 01:03:13,640 --> 01:03:14,960 Like, what would I even say? 1158 01:03:15,040 --> 01:03:18,160 Don’t pick your words so carefully. Just speak and whatever comes out, comes out. 1159 01:03:18,480 --> 01:03:22,200 That’s my whole point. It’s just life is meant to be a struggle. 1160 01:03:24,400 --> 01:03:26,920 It’s almost like, because it's hard, I'd rather not do it. 1161 01:03:28,360 --> 01:03:30,360 Because it's hard is more reason to do it. 1162 01:03:31,120 --> 01:03:33,080 Then it becomes easier and easier. 1163 01:03:36,040 --> 01:03:37,680 It is becoming easier. 1164 01:03:38,600 --> 01:03:39,600 A little bit. 1165 01:03:40,760 --> 01:03:41,600 [sniffs] 1166 01:03:41,680 --> 01:03:43,240 A little bit each day. 1167 01:03:47,280 --> 01:03:50,840 But I can’t-- You know, I can’t fight the pit in my stomach every day that... 1168 01:03:51,520 --> 01:03:54,600 I know we’re going to have this conversation or a conversation like this. 1169 01:03:54,680 --> 01:03:55,800 But that’s my point. 1170 01:03:55,880 --> 01:03:58,200 -Why do you have to fight it? -I can't-- But that's... 1171 01:03:58,280 --> 01:04:00,360 It’s not fighting it. It's-- It's... 1172 01:04:01,600 --> 01:04:03,040 It’s so draining. 1173 01:04:07,680 --> 01:04:10,520 When he was here, he was here. He existed. 1174 01:04:12,640 --> 01:04:14,320 [Leon] If we’re just burying these feelings, 1175 01:04:14,400 --> 01:04:16,600 you know, we're just kind of forgetting them 1176 01:04:16,680 --> 01:04:20,080 and not acknowledging those feelings that we had, 1177 01:04:20,880 --> 01:04:22,800 the feelings we still have for him. 1178 01:04:22,880 --> 01:04:24,880 [melancholic violin music playing] 1179 01:04:41,480 --> 01:04:43,840 -What happens if none of us stick around? -[Orlando sniffs] 1180 01:04:44,680 --> 01:04:46,680 [crying] 1181 01:05:09,880 --> 01:05:12,400 [Orlando] Oh, my God. I’m trying not to hate this. 1182 01:05:19,440 --> 01:05:21,080 I've got so much... 1183 01:05:23,160 --> 01:05:25,840 agony just built up from so long. 1184 01:05:34,480 --> 01:05:35,320 [sniffs] 1185 01:05:35,400 --> 01:05:36,760 [man] Is that the sea over there? 1186 01:05:37,400 --> 01:05:39,480 Yeah, maybe like out, beyond through there. 1187 01:05:39,560 --> 01:05:40,880 [man] On that cliff? 1188 01:05:41,640 --> 01:05:42,480 [clears throat] 1189 01:05:47,360 --> 01:05:48,200 [Gwen grunts] 1190 01:05:48,280 --> 01:05:50,480 -Should we get to the top? -This is bloody nice, isn’t it? 1191 01:05:50,560 --> 01:05:52,400 To sit still and not be attacked by midges. 1192 01:06:02,880 --> 01:06:06,040 Because he used to tell me everything, I felt maybe... 1193 01:06:07,800 --> 01:06:08,760 I'd missed something. 1194 01:06:08,840 --> 01:06:11,480 Maybe he had tried to tell me something, and I'd missed it. 1195 01:06:12,440 --> 01:06:13,640 Um... [clicks tongue] 1196 01:06:13,720 --> 01:06:15,440 And I remember he had... 1197 01:06:17,600 --> 01:06:19,680 Maybe about a week before he did it, 1198 01:06:21,840 --> 01:06:24,200 he had tried to phone me, and I missed the call. 1199 01:06:24,640 --> 01:06:28,200 And he left a voicemail and said he’d call back later. 1200 01:06:28,280 --> 01:06:31,720 And I remember, I think it was the first mobile phone I had, 1201 01:06:31,800 --> 01:06:33,600 and I didn’t even really know how to use it. 1202 01:06:34,520 --> 01:06:36,120 And... um... 1203 01:06:38,200 --> 01:06:40,800 I didn’t listen to the voicemail until after he had died, 1204 01:06:42,880 --> 01:06:45,200 and I’ve always felt that... 1205 01:06:46,040 --> 01:06:50,120 that is the conversation where he wanted to talk to me about how he was feeling. 1206 01:06:50,200 --> 01:06:52,320 If we’d had that conversation, that, um... 1207 01:06:54,720 --> 01:06:57,760 maybe I could’ve said something that would’ve meant he didn’t do that. 1208 01:07:02,200 --> 01:07:04,200 [wind gusting] 1209 01:07:08,520 --> 01:07:09,880 [Orlando] Come sit here in the gap. 1210 01:07:30,240 --> 01:07:33,000 [Gwen] Orlando wasn’t there. Orlando didn’t see that. 1211 01:07:33,440 --> 01:07:35,480 [Leon] The last, 1212 01:07:36,480 --> 01:07:38,120 what, 13 years, 1213 01:07:39,280 --> 01:07:43,640 he was cool, and it was just unexpected, as much as I knew of it. 1214 01:07:44,160 --> 01:07:46,480 That was my thought on it. 1215 01:07:47,880 --> 01:07:50,320 And it’s really interesting listening to you guys, 1216 01:07:50,400 --> 01:07:53,480 or, like, you talk about E in his school days 1217 01:07:53,560 --> 01:07:55,000 and, like, hanging out. 1218 01:07:57,880 --> 01:08:00,120 He was like-- E was like you. 1219 01:08:00,480 --> 01:08:02,200 He used to laugh a lot. 1220 01:08:02,720 --> 01:08:05,440 It was only kind of around exam time... 1221 01:08:06,120 --> 01:08:08,160 where he would kind of get anxious, and then... 1222 01:08:08,680 --> 01:08:10,560 Even the times when he felt anxious, 1223 01:08:10,640 --> 01:08:13,880 it was very easy to kind of make him laugh and stuff again. 1224 01:08:14,400 --> 01:08:16,400 It wouldn’t last long at all. 1225 01:08:17,000 --> 01:08:18,160 It's like in-- 1226 01:08:18,240 --> 01:08:21,160 Whatever was upsetting him, if he was telling me about it, 1227 01:08:21,240 --> 01:08:24,000 he would talk about it as if he’s never going to get past it. 1228 01:08:24,080 --> 01:08:25,640 He was so upset about it. 1229 01:08:25,720 --> 01:08:28,920 And literally a minute later, he’s forgotten. 1230 01:08:29,000 --> 01:08:32,360 He’s wetting himself with laughter and that thing’s forgotten completely. 1231 01:08:33,040 --> 01:08:34,160 [Gwen chuckles softly] 1232 01:08:38,720 --> 01:08:41,120 [Leon] There’s lots of memories I have, but there’s no dialogue. 1233 01:08:41,200 --> 01:08:44,000 It’s just him laughing at whatever was happening. Just laughing. 1234 01:08:44,080 --> 01:08:45,040 Exactly. 1235 01:08:45,120 --> 01:08:48,480 [Leon] Like lighting his farts and setting his ass on fire and stuff. 1236 01:08:48,560 --> 01:08:49,400 [laughs] 1237 01:08:50,440 --> 01:08:51,560 [Gwen] That’s lovely. 1238 01:08:51,960 --> 01:08:53,680 What? Shitting his pants? [chuckles] 1239 01:08:53,760 --> 01:08:55,160 No, that like... 1240 01:08:58,280 --> 01:09:00,120 It’s really lovely that you have those. 1241 01:09:00,200 --> 01:09:02,600 -Those details. -You have those memories of him. 1242 01:09:03,880 --> 01:09:06,360 Of him laughing and like-- And you didn't... 1243 01:09:07,720 --> 01:09:09,880 You're not caught in a kind of like... 1244 01:09:11,960 --> 01:09:13,040 broken record, 1245 01:09:13,720 --> 01:09:18,000 soundtrack of, like, the last few months of his life. 1246 01:09:18,080 --> 01:09:19,280 [Leon] No, because... 1247 01:09:21,080 --> 01:09:24,720 [stutters] The lasting... strongest... 1248 01:09:25,840 --> 01:09:30,160 image in my head of him was when I saw him when you had brought him home. 1249 01:09:30,880 --> 01:09:31,720 Um... 1250 01:09:32,760 --> 01:09:35,280 And I kind of wish I hadn’t seen him. But then, 1251 01:09:35,360 --> 01:09:37,960 at the same time, I’m glad I did, but... 1252 01:09:38,480 --> 01:09:42,520 Then I have so many dreams about-- so many really vivid dreams about him. 1253 01:09:50,600 --> 01:09:53,120 I don’t know. Even though I know they weren’t real, 1254 01:09:54,840 --> 01:09:56,280 they kind of feel real. 1255 01:10:03,240 --> 01:10:05,240 [deep breath] 1256 01:10:05,920 --> 01:10:07,920 [Jack whispering] Mate, I can't do this. 1257 01:10:09,240 --> 01:10:10,360 [huffs] 1258 01:10:10,440 --> 01:10:12,680 -[Jack] Aw, fuck. -Yeah, it's like... 1259 01:10:14,800 --> 01:10:18,800 It's like a song I kind of like but I've heard it too much. 1260 01:10:18,880 --> 01:10:20,560 I don’t wanna hear it anymore. 1261 01:10:22,520 --> 01:10:23,960 It's good for us to hear. 1262 01:10:25,800 --> 01:10:28,360 [Gwen] Yeah, they're good thoughts to hear. Exactly. 1263 01:10:32,080 --> 01:10:36,600 -It’s nice to hear him remembered... -[Jack] Fuck this, man. 1264 01:10:36,680 --> 01:10:38,120 ...with this much laughter. 1265 01:10:40,040 --> 01:10:41,960 Like the filthy humor. [chuckles] 1266 01:10:42,600 --> 01:10:45,200 [Leon] Yeah. The "what ifs" are killing me. 1267 01:10:45,280 --> 01:10:47,200 -The "what ifs." -Yeah, but that’s like... 1268 01:10:50,160 --> 01:10:51,640 [Gwen] Yeah. Oh, I don't know. 1269 01:10:58,000 --> 01:11:00,360 [Leon] I thought I'd kind of put all these feelings to bed. 1270 01:11:00,440 --> 01:11:01,280 I just... 1271 01:11:03,080 --> 01:11:04,320 I just wanna... 1272 01:11:04,400 --> 01:11:07,000 -keep-- -[Gwen] But you are. You have been. 1273 01:11:10,360 --> 01:11:11,200 [sniffs] 1274 01:11:18,760 --> 01:11:19,760 [sniffs] 1275 01:12:16,560 --> 01:12:17,600 [wind gusting] 1276 01:12:23,880 --> 01:12:25,880 [gentle piano music playing] 1277 01:12:34,960 --> 01:12:36,960 [birds screeching] 1278 01:12:53,280 --> 01:12:55,320 [Gwen] I don’t remember when we were here last. 1279 01:12:55,880 --> 01:12:58,040 [Orlando] I don’t know. Fifteen years ago, probably? 1280 01:13:07,680 --> 01:13:08,640 [car door closes] 1281 01:13:17,360 --> 01:13:18,440 [Orlando] What’s wrong? 1282 01:13:23,240 --> 01:13:24,560 [clears throat] 1283 01:13:27,120 --> 01:13:28,560 I don’t feel very good. 1284 01:13:33,640 --> 01:13:34,800 Why not? 1285 01:13:34,880 --> 01:13:35,720 [sniffs] 1286 01:13:38,000 --> 01:13:40,800 I just don’t. I’m tired. I've had enough. 1287 01:13:41,920 --> 01:13:43,240 I don’t think this is a... 1288 01:13:43,920 --> 01:13:45,120 I don't think this is-- 1289 01:13:45,200 --> 01:13:47,520 This is a catalyst for something else. 1290 01:13:47,600 --> 01:13:49,360 Obviously, I threw this at her. 1291 01:13:50,800 --> 01:13:52,720 Even if it was accidental, it’s not... 1292 01:13:53,320 --> 01:13:56,640 Like, it’s just sort of like-- Just be more aware of like-- 1293 01:13:56,720 --> 01:13:59,360 Just be more aware of people, Robin. 1294 01:14:04,320 --> 01:14:06,680 [Orlando] Why did you throw it in her face in the first place? 1295 01:14:06,760 --> 01:14:08,560 Orlando, don’t have this tone with me. 1296 01:14:08,640 --> 01:14:12,640 It's like-- You can’t come in and wade in and be dictatorial. 1297 01:14:13,120 --> 01:14:14,920 -Didn’t throw it in her face. -[Orlando] I was just asking. 1298 01:14:15,000 --> 01:14:17,320 I threw it at her. I didn’t know she was slouching. 1299 01:14:19,280 --> 01:14:24,200 I don’t feel lighter. I don’t feel like I’m exorcising stuff. 1300 01:14:24,280 --> 01:14:27,400 I actually just feel like all it’s doing is bringing lots of very painful 1301 01:14:27,480 --> 01:14:29,320 and traumatic things back... 1302 01:14:30,200 --> 01:14:33,400 [stutters] ...that I can’t now make go away. 1303 01:14:33,480 --> 01:14:34,320 [sniffs] 1304 01:14:39,320 --> 01:14:43,080 You know, stuff like I've had to spent a long time trying to forget, 1305 01:14:43,160 --> 01:14:45,680 and now I’m just like-- 1306 01:14:45,760 --> 01:14:47,200 It’s not getting any easier. 1307 01:14:53,560 --> 01:14:54,400 [gulps] 1308 01:14:54,480 --> 01:14:55,840 [Orlando] Like what? 1309 01:14:56,600 --> 01:14:57,440 Lots of things. 1310 01:14:57,520 --> 01:14:59,680 There’s, like, things that I’m plagued by. 1311 01:14:59,760 --> 01:15:02,440 You know, like, images and, like, thoughts. 1312 01:15:09,280 --> 01:15:10,120 [sniffs] 1313 01:15:15,960 --> 01:15:18,080 And just because we’re talking, it doesn’t-- 1314 01:15:18,160 --> 01:15:19,640 It’s not really... 1315 01:15:21,640 --> 01:15:24,760 It’s not getting less painful or less traumatic. 1316 01:15:29,520 --> 01:15:32,440 [Orlando] I don’t-- I mean, I can tell you how I feel on that. 1317 01:15:32,520 --> 01:15:36,680 I don’t feel that it’s any less traumatic talking about... 1318 01:15:37,560 --> 01:15:40,440 parts of Evelyn’s life and the bad parts. 1319 01:15:41,600 --> 01:15:45,080 But it does become a lot easier to talk about him and think about him. 1320 01:15:47,160 --> 01:15:48,040 Yeah. 1321 01:15:48,920 --> 01:15:49,760 Maybe. 1322 01:15:52,240 --> 01:15:53,960 Come on. I’m sorry about that. 1323 01:15:54,040 --> 01:15:56,840 I felt instant guilt as soon as I threw it. 1324 01:15:58,440 --> 01:15:59,600 Come on. [pats leg] 1325 01:15:59,680 --> 01:16:01,080 Have a little dip. 1326 01:16:01,160 --> 01:16:02,280 It'll be all right. 1327 01:16:04,120 --> 01:16:05,200 [screams] 1328 01:16:06,840 --> 01:16:08,200 Woo! Woo! 1329 01:16:08,280 --> 01:16:09,400 Woo hoo! 1330 01:16:10,640 --> 01:16:11,800 Come on! 1331 01:16:11,880 --> 01:16:12,880 Is it good? 1332 01:16:12,960 --> 01:16:14,240 It's freezing! 1333 01:16:14,320 --> 01:16:15,320 Jump! 1334 01:16:15,880 --> 01:16:18,440 -Move out of the way! -Jump! Go! 1335 01:16:18,520 --> 01:16:20,240 Jump! Jump! 1336 01:16:20,640 --> 01:16:21,560 Woo! 1337 01:16:21,640 --> 01:16:22,800 [Orlando laughs] 1338 01:16:23,200 --> 01:16:25,040 [Robin whoops] 1339 01:16:25,720 --> 01:16:27,720 [melancholic music playing] 1340 01:16:31,880 --> 01:16:32,720 [Robin] Woo hoo! 1341 01:16:33,160 --> 01:16:34,800 -Here. -Nah! 1342 01:16:34,880 --> 01:16:36,600 -[shouting] Stop moving! -[Orlando] Jump! 1343 01:16:36,680 --> 01:16:38,040 I hate you both! 1344 01:16:40,760 --> 01:16:42,880 -[Orlando] Jump! -All right! Stop it! 1345 01:16:43,840 --> 01:16:44,760 Woo! 1346 01:16:44,840 --> 01:16:46,600 -Can I go? -Yeah, just go. 1347 01:16:47,600 --> 01:16:49,600 [music turns up] 1348 01:17:02,120 --> 01:17:04,120 [birds screeching] 1349 01:17:20,400 --> 01:17:22,440 [Robin] Orlando, where were you when Evelyn died? 1350 01:17:22,520 --> 01:17:23,520 [Orlando] I was in Italy. 1351 01:17:24,440 --> 01:17:25,320 [Gwen] Who rang you? 1352 01:17:25,760 --> 01:17:26,600 [Orlando] Mom. 1353 01:17:27,760 --> 01:17:29,200 [Gwen] Can you remember what she said? 1354 01:17:29,640 --> 01:17:30,800 [wind blowing] 1355 01:17:31,800 --> 01:17:32,720 Um... 1356 01:17:33,200 --> 01:17:34,880 She phoned up and said, 1357 01:17:37,000 --> 01:17:38,240 “He’s done it. 1358 01:17:39,320 --> 01:17:40,800 He’s killed himself.” 1359 01:17:43,080 --> 01:17:44,160 And then she hung up. 1360 01:18:07,120 --> 01:18:08,440 How soon did you get back? 1361 01:18:10,640 --> 01:18:13,480 I got bundled into a taxi within about half an hour 1362 01:18:13,560 --> 01:18:15,240 and went straight to the airport. 1363 01:18:16,560 --> 01:18:17,600 [clears throat] 1364 01:18:21,360 --> 01:18:22,280 I don’t-- 1365 01:18:22,960 --> 01:18:24,440 I don't even remember coming home. 1366 01:18:24,520 --> 01:18:27,960 I don’t remember seeing any of you guys, but I guess I must’ve got back that night. 1367 01:18:28,480 --> 01:18:30,240 -[Robin] Did you come home that evening? -Yeah. 1368 01:18:30,320 --> 01:18:31,600 [Robin] I remember that. 1369 01:18:33,920 --> 01:18:34,880 I don’t. 1370 01:18:35,720 --> 01:18:37,880 There was a Virgil on Peckham Rye. 1371 01:18:38,320 --> 01:18:39,320 -Vigil. -Vigil. 1372 01:18:39,400 --> 01:18:42,120 -"There was a Virgil." -Whatever. 1373 01:18:43,520 --> 01:18:45,760 There was an-- Roman... 1374 01:18:47,160 --> 01:18:48,640 -Writer. -Writer. 1375 01:18:48,720 --> 01:18:50,000 [Robin] Writing a book. 1376 01:18:50,080 --> 01:18:52,560 That would’ve been appropriate because Evelyn loved Virgil. 1377 01:18:53,240 --> 01:18:54,440 He loved The Aeneid. 1378 01:19:02,720 --> 01:19:03,600 [sighing] 1379 01:19:06,280 --> 01:19:08,280 [wind howling] 1380 01:19:31,920 --> 01:19:33,920 [melancholic string music playing] 1381 01:19:40,280 --> 01:19:42,920 [Robin] I do think, post-walk, that... 1382 01:19:43,000 --> 01:19:45,920 just because we’ve sort of opened this discussion 1383 01:19:46,000 --> 01:19:47,320 and we’ve talked about it, 1384 01:19:48,400 --> 01:19:49,600 it doesn’t mean that... 1385 01:19:50,880 --> 01:19:52,200 we’ve, like, dealt with it. 1386 01:19:52,720 --> 01:19:54,480 I think, you know, 1387 01:19:55,720 --> 01:19:58,880 we should all try and make this a... 1388 01:20:00,040 --> 01:20:02,160 like an ongoing discussion 1389 01:20:02,240 --> 01:20:04,240 -just amongst ourselves. -[Orlando] Definitely, Robs. 1390 01:20:04,880 --> 01:20:05,720 [man] Hello. 1391 01:20:06,760 --> 01:20:08,200 What are you guys up to? 1392 01:20:09,640 --> 01:20:12,160 We’re um... We're walking. 1393 01:20:12,240 --> 01:20:15,480 We’ve been walking for the past month from the far north of Scotland 1394 01:20:15,560 --> 01:20:18,640 down back to London in memory of our brother. 1395 01:20:18,720 --> 01:20:20,120 Oh, that’s fantastic! 1396 01:20:20,200 --> 01:20:22,520 -Talking and-- -With a film crew the whole way? 1397 01:20:22,600 --> 01:20:24,040 -Yeah. -Excellent! 1398 01:20:24,120 --> 01:20:26,320 Well, we’ve been following them, but... 1399 01:20:26,800 --> 01:20:28,920 -Yeah. Well, that’s awesome. -Yeah. 1400 01:20:29,000 --> 01:20:30,400 So, how far have you got to go? 1401 01:20:30,480 --> 01:20:33,200 -From here straight to London? -This is our-- Tomorrow is our last day. 1402 01:20:33,560 --> 01:20:37,600 -Tomorrow’s going to be a fantastic day. -I hope so. 1403 01:20:37,680 --> 01:20:40,000 This is a subject we’ve avoided. 1404 01:20:40,080 --> 01:20:43,600 He took his own life 13 years ago, and we’ve avoided talking about it... 1405 01:20:43,680 --> 01:20:47,000 -[airplane engine roars] -...since then. This is-- 1406 01:20:47,080 --> 01:20:48,280 We’ve been talking. 1407 01:20:48,560 --> 01:20:51,240 -Can I ask, if it's not imprudent? -No. You can ask anything. 1408 01:20:51,320 --> 01:20:53,000 Is it a cathartic experience? Has it helped? 1409 01:20:53,080 --> 01:20:55,280 [stutters] Well, today’s actually a day-- 1410 01:20:55,360 --> 01:20:57,240 It’s sort of reflecting on how it's all been 1411 01:20:57,320 --> 01:21:00,800 because tomorrow is the end, um, and um... 1412 01:21:01,400 --> 01:21:02,960 I don't know. Yes. 1413 01:21:03,040 --> 01:21:04,800 For me, enormously. 1414 01:21:04,880 --> 01:21:06,800 I did 20 years in the forces, 1415 01:21:06,880 --> 01:21:09,520 -and I came out in 2005. -Yeah. 1416 01:21:09,600 --> 01:21:11,280 Since that time, I’ve lost three of my friends, 1417 01:21:11,360 --> 01:21:13,560 -and they’ve all taken their own lives. -Oh, I’m so sorry. 1418 01:21:13,640 --> 01:21:16,400 So, it’s something that-- Goose bumps, and it’s... 1419 01:21:16,480 --> 01:21:18,160 Yeah, wow. Well done you for doing this. 1420 01:21:18,240 --> 01:21:22,280 I think, for me, it’s just this huge importance of awareness 1421 01:21:22,360 --> 01:21:24,240 for people when they’re not well. 1422 01:21:24,320 --> 01:21:27,480 This is something we’ve been really aware of, 1423 01:21:27,560 --> 01:21:31,040 on our walk down, of talking to people, how many... 1424 01:21:31,360 --> 01:21:36,880 people there are who have friends or family who have experience in suicide, 1425 01:21:36,960 --> 01:21:40,680 or um... of how much of, like, a pertinent issue. 1426 01:21:41,000 --> 01:21:43,560 Tragic. I’m very sorry for your loss, really. 1427 01:21:43,640 --> 01:21:45,480 -What’s your name? -Simon. Nice to meet you. 1428 01:21:45,560 --> 01:21:47,280 -I’m Orlando, Simon. -Orlando, Nice to meet you. 1429 01:21:47,360 --> 01:21:48,320 -Gwennie. -[Simon] Inspirational. 1430 01:21:48,400 --> 01:21:50,120 -Vinnie? -Gwennie? Gwendolen. 1431 01:21:50,200 --> 01:21:51,560 -Robin. Hi, Simon. -Robin. 1432 01:21:51,640 --> 01:21:53,720 -Fantastic. I really enjoyed meeting you. -Thank you. 1433 01:21:53,800 --> 01:21:54,720 Good luck for tomorrow. 1434 01:21:57,800 --> 01:22:00,200 -Do I have-- -[Orlando] Snot all over your mouth? 1435 01:22:00,280 --> 01:22:02,000 Do I have streams down my face? 1436 01:22:02,080 --> 01:22:04,160 -You got a little snot mustache. -Do I? 1437 01:22:04,240 --> 01:22:06,480 -No. -What about black bits? 1438 01:22:07,360 --> 01:22:08,680 No, you're pretty good. 1439 01:22:20,360 --> 01:22:21,800 Here's a business card. 1440 01:22:21,880 --> 01:22:24,520 You need to give us a ring. Come flying. 1441 01:22:24,600 --> 01:22:27,800 Also, I didn't get a hug from you earlier. I got quite upset. I'm sorry about that. 1442 01:22:27,880 --> 01:22:31,240 I was a bit upset before we bumped into you, Simon, 1443 01:22:31,320 --> 01:22:33,360 -so thank you. [sniffs] -I know. 1444 01:22:33,440 --> 01:22:37,280 -It never stops, does it? -No, and I think that's why I was crying. 1445 01:22:37,760 --> 01:22:39,680 I never thought about this being cathartic, 1446 01:22:39,760 --> 01:22:43,160 but it was just the realization that the pain won’t go away is like... 1447 01:22:43,680 --> 01:22:44,600 You know... 1448 01:22:46,400 --> 01:22:47,360 It's tough. 1449 01:22:47,440 --> 01:22:48,520 I want a hug. 1450 01:22:50,280 --> 01:22:51,400 Thank you, Simon. 1451 01:22:52,000 --> 01:22:54,120 I don't normally get upset, you know, so... 1452 01:22:54,600 --> 01:22:55,600 Good on you guys. 1453 01:22:56,280 --> 01:22:57,680 [Gwen] We'll be in touch. 1454 01:22:58,040 --> 01:22:58,920 [door closes] 1455 01:22:59,000 --> 01:23:01,160 -We'll see you in the sky. -[car engine starts] 1456 01:23:03,960 --> 01:23:06,040 -[Simon] Thank you for that. -Thank you. 1457 01:23:10,920 --> 01:23:13,720 [Gwen] That was the best hug I’ve had all month. [laughs] 1458 01:23:14,120 --> 01:23:15,920 [Robin] He really grips you, doesn't he? 1459 01:23:16,040 --> 01:23:18,600 -[Gwen chuckles] He gripped me. -Gave you a little arm grip. 1460 01:23:20,760 --> 01:23:22,760 [wind howling] 1461 01:23:30,960 --> 01:23:32,280 So, um... 1462 01:23:32,360 --> 01:23:34,680 I've got a friend called Laura whose... 1463 01:23:34,760 --> 01:23:37,640 one of her best friends took her life. 1464 01:23:38,880 --> 01:23:39,840 And um... 1465 01:23:41,160 --> 01:23:43,320 and then she sent this the other day 1466 01:23:43,400 --> 01:23:44,800 and just said this... 1467 01:23:46,600 --> 01:23:48,280 poem really helped her... 1468 01:23:49,360 --> 01:23:50,400 at the time. 1469 01:23:50,800 --> 01:23:51,640 [sniffs] 1470 01:23:52,880 --> 01:23:57,360 “If I were the first of us to die, let grief not blacken on your sky. 1471 01:23:58,040 --> 01:24:00,760 Be bold yet modest in your grieving. 1472 01:24:01,400 --> 01:24:04,160 There is a change, but not a leaving. 1473 01:24:06,440 --> 01:24:08,640 For just as death is part of life, 1474 01:24:12,000 --> 01:24:14,400 the dead live on forever in the living. 1475 01:24:19,360 --> 01:24:22,040 [voice breaking] And all the gathered riches of our journey... 1476 01:24:24,360 --> 01:24:27,280 The moment shared, the mysteries explored... 1477 01:24:30,200 --> 01:24:31,040 [sniffs] 1478 01:24:34,360 --> 01:24:37,360 The steady layering of intimacy stored. 1479 01:24:37,920 --> 01:24:39,360 [gentle piano music playing] 1480 01:24:39,440 --> 01:24:40,280 [sniffs] 1481 01:24:44,400 --> 01:24:47,240 The things that made us laugh, weep or sing. 1482 01:24:48,960 --> 01:24:51,200 The joy of sunlit snow, 1483 01:24:51,280 --> 01:24:53,640 or first unfurling of the spring. 1484 01:24:55,480 --> 01:24:57,920 The wordless language of look and touch. 1485 01:24:59,000 --> 01:24:59,960 The knowing. 1486 01:25:00,040 --> 01:25:02,240 Each giving and each taking. 1487 01:25:03,240 --> 01:25:04,880 These are not flowers that fade, 1488 01:25:04,960 --> 01:25:07,200 nor trees that fall and crumble, 1489 01:25:07,280 --> 01:25:08,560 nor are they stone. 1490 01:25:09,120 --> 01:25:13,160 For even stone cannot the wind and rain withstand. 1491 01:25:14,280 --> 01:25:18,080 And mighty mountain peaks in time reduce to sand. 1492 01:25:19,080 --> 01:25:20,680 What we were, we are. 1493 01:25:21,320 --> 01:25:23,080 What we had, we have. 1494 01:25:24,120 --> 01:25:27,120 A conjoint past imperishably present. 1495 01:25:28,280 --> 01:25:30,200 So, when you walk the woods 1496 01:25:30,280 --> 01:25:32,200 where once we walked together... 1497 01:25:35,000 --> 01:25:38,920 and scan in vain the dappled bank beside you for my shadow, 1498 01:25:42,320 --> 01:25:45,080 or pause where we always did upon the hill... 1499 01:25:46,480 --> 01:25:48,160 to gaze across the land. 1500 01:25:49,360 --> 01:25:53,000 And spotting something, reach by habit, for my hand. 1501 01:25:53,720 --> 01:25:55,720 [weeping] 1502 01:26:07,760 --> 01:26:09,280 And finding none, 1503 01:26:10,720 --> 01:26:13,280 feel sorrow start to steal upon you. 1504 01:26:14,840 --> 01:26:17,040 Be still, close your eyes, 1505 01:26:18,320 --> 01:26:21,680 breathe, listen for my footfall in your heart. 1506 01:26:25,880 --> 01:26:29,360 I’m not gone, but merely walk within you.” 1507 01:26:33,600 --> 01:26:35,920 I just can’t fucking read that poem. 1508 01:26:36,320 --> 01:26:39,080 Well done. [sniffs] Well done. 1509 01:26:45,880 --> 01:26:47,240 [Gwen] We love you. 1510 01:26:52,040 --> 01:26:53,160 Well done. 1511 01:26:54,000 --> 01:26:54,880 [kisses] 1512 01:26:55,640 --> 01:26:56,880 [Gwen] Did she write it? 1513 01:26:57,720 --> 01:26:59,920 No. It’s probably some really cheesy poem. 1514 01:27:00,000 --> 01:27:01,880 [all laugh] 1515 01:27:01,960 --> 01:27:06,080 If you-- What if you googled "poems for funerals" and it's the first hit? 1516 01:27:07,400 --> 01:27:08,920 -Probably. -[Gwenn scoffs] 1517 01:27:09,320 --> 01:27:10,840 [Gwen] I think it’s beautiful. 1518 01:27:11,960 --> 01:27:13,960 [wind howling] 1519 01:27:29,200 --> 01:27:30,520 I think I know that if I don’t-- 1520 01:27:30,600 --> 01:27:33,520 This is the only time I’m ever going to look at this if I’m going to do it. 1521 01:27:39,880 --> 01:27:40,800 [exhales] 1522 01:27:42,520 --> 01:27:44,520 [opening sheet of paper] 1523 01:27:48,400 --> 01:27:49,280 [exhales] 1524 01:27:54,800 --> 01:27:56,280 It’s just in bits. 1525 01:27:58,360 --> 01:27:59,200 [exhales] 1526 01:28:02,320 --> 01:28:03,200 [gulps] 1527 01:28:04,600 --> 01:28:09,480 “Dear Mom, Dad, Orlando, Gwendolen and Robin. 1528 01:28:11,800 --> 01:28:15,440 It is greatly unfortunate that I didn’t fully appreciate... 1529 01:28:18,320 --> 01:28:20,680 the chance available to me at medical school. 1530 01:28:26,240 --> 01:28:28,480 It would have been lovely to have been a doctor.” 1531 01:28:34,720 --> 01:28:36,720 [train passing by] 1532 01:28:39,720 --> 01:28:40,560 [sniffs] 1533 01:28:45,120 --> 01:28:46,760 I don’t know what I expected. 1534 01:28:47,920 --> 01:28:50,520 I sort of thought it would be more muddled, actually. 1535 01:28:51,280 --> 01:28:53,640 It’s actually quite painful that it was... 1536 01:28:54,640 --> 01:28:56,520 mostly very coherent. 1537 01:28:57,640 --> 01:28:58,480 [sniffs] 1538 01:29:00,080 --> 01:29:00,960 [gulps] 1539 01:29:01,040 --> 01:29:02,680 I only recognize... 1540 01:29:04,480 --> 01:29:06,880 Evelyn as he was at the end of his life. 1541 01:29:12,200 --> 01:29:13,200 Just... 1542 01:29:16,280 --> 01:29:17,200 full of... 1543 01:29:18,520 --> 01:29:19,600 worry and... 1544 01:29:20,680 --> 01:29:21,800 anxiousness. 1545 01:29:26,520 --> 01:29:27,480 Regret. 1546 01:29:33,240 --> 01:29:36,440 I’ve always carried a feeling of regret. 1547 01:29:38,440 --> 01:29:40,720 I think if I was honest... [sniffs] 1548 01:29:44,040 --> 01:29:45,480 I don’t know, because... 1549 01:29:47,840 --> 01:29:49,440 in some ways I feel... 1550 01:29:51,920 --> 01:29:53,280 that I couldn’t... 1551 01:29:57,720 --> 01:30:01,240 I don't know. I couldn't save the person who was closest to me. 1552 01:30:09,600 --> 01:30:11,600 [wind howling] 1553 01:30:13,000 --> 01:30:16,120 I think Evelyn’s loss will always be painful, 1554 01:30:17,840 --> 01:30:21,720 but maybe now I can let him into my life again. 1555 01:30:48,280 --> 01:30:49,680 I really miss him. 1556 01:30:52,360 --> 01:30:54,760 Here we are in the kitchen. 1557 01:30:54,840 --> 01:30:56,200 [Robin] With a glass of wine. 1558 01:30:56,280 --> 01:31:01,880 With a glass of wine raised to you, Lucia, and Tandy, and John. 1559 01:31:01,960 --> 01:31:02,960 What are you looking at? 1560 01:31:03,040 --> 01:31:07,920 And if you look around the walls, you’ll see that Orlando has painted it. 1561 01:31:08,000 --> 01:31:10,560 Look at the ceiling. 1562 01:31:10,640 --> 01:31:13,320 It’s dark blue, and Evelyn is-- 1563 01:31:13,400 --> 01:31:14,600 Orlando is found. 1564 01:31:15,120 --> 01:31:18,160 Oh, my God. I'm literally trying to hide from the video. 1565 01:31:18,240 --> 01:31:19,240 Get upstairs. 1566 01:31:20,160 --> 01:31:21,280 Have you got a new lens? 1567 01:31:21,960 --> 01:31:22,800 [Evelyn] No. 1568 01:31:23,560 --> 01:31:25,440 -Is that the same lens as before? -[Evelyn] Yeah. 1569 01:31:26,120 --> 01:31:29,080 [Harriet] Evelyn, come get ready for bed. What are you doing? 1570 01:31:29,160 --> 01:31:31,160 -[Evelyn] Leave it. -[Orlando] I’m just messing with it. 1571 01:31:32,120 --> 01:31:34,160 Peace to the world. Evelyn, can I film? 1572 01:31:34,240 --> 01:31:35,240 -[Evelyn] No. -Why? 1573 01:31:35,320 --> 01:31:36,880 -Say hi to Vick. -Hi, Vick. 1574 01:31:36,960 --> 01:31:38,520 Hi, everybody. 1575 01:31:38,600 --> 01:31:40,400 -[Harriet talking indistinctly] -[Robin] Ow! 1576 01:31:40,480 --> 01:31:41,520 Face! 1577 01:31:41,960 --> 01:31:44,960 -[Robin] Evelyn, show yourself. -Hello, Vick and family. 1578 01:31:45,040 --> 01:31:47,440 How are you? Merry Christmas to all. 1579 01:31:47,720 --> 01:31:49,560 [Robin] Please, Orlando, can I film? 1580 01:31:49,640 --> 01:31:50,800 -Can I, please? -[Orlando] No. 1581 01:31:50,880 --> 01:31:53,080 [Evelyn] Orlando, I’m good. I filmed you. 1582 01:31:53,160 --> 01:31:56,120 Hi, I’m the best actress in the world, by the way. [exhales] 1583 01:31:56,680 --> 01:31:57,920 [Orlando] You're not. 1584 01:31:58,000 --> 01:32:02,440 Here's me to say we miss you all really badly. 1585 01:32:03,440 --> 01:32:05,120 -Even Iyla. -[Robin] Puppy. 1586 01:32:05,200 --> 01:32:07,080 [Harriet] Oh, let's show you Tansy. 1587 01:32:07,160 --> 01:32:10,040 [Robin] This is our new dog. She's not new, actually. 1588 01:32:11,000 --> 01:32:13,280 -No. Come here. -No! 1589 01:32:13,400 --> 01:32:15,400 [melancholic string music playing] 1590 01:32:18,920 --> 01:32:21,440 [Robin] Evelyn! [laughs] 1591 01:32:43,080 --> 01:32:45,080 [music continues] 1592 01:33:06,080 --> 01:33:08,080 ["Thousand Miles" playing] 1593 01:33:21,000 --> 01:33:26,040 ♪ So alive when I called ♪ 1594 01:33:28,080 --> 01:33:32,440 ♪ And so away with the dawn ♪ 1595 01:33:35,240 --> 01:33:40,040 ♪ But what was there is no more ♪ 1596 01:33:42,440 --> 01:33:47,200 ♪ So alive when I called ♪ 1597 01:33:49,840 --> 01:33:55,560 ♪ Please give me time ♪ 1598 01:33:56,880 --> 01:34:02,800 ♪ Thousand miles across the seas I'll ride ♪ 1599 01:34:03,680 --> 01:34:09,240 ♪ We'll waltz on glass ♪ 1600 01:34:10,960 --> 01:34:14,440 ♪ Hand in hand this moment ♪ 1601 01:34:14,520 --> 01:34:19,520 ♪ It's our last It's our last ♪ 1602 01:34:19,840 --> 01:34:23,240 ♪ It's our last ♪ 1603 01:34:23,440 --> 01:34:27,120 ♪ It's our last ♪ 1604 01:34:42,600 --> 01:34:46,640 ♪ Cityscape, bright lights ♪ 1605 01:34:49,360 --> 01:34:54,760 ♪ An empty room lonely and nice ♪ 1606 01:34:56,400 --> 01:35:00,200 ♪ And there's a voice in my head ♪ 1607 01:35:03,240 --> 01:35:08,520 ♪ It pulls my hair, shares my bed ♪ 1608 01:35:10,560 --> 01:35:16,280 ♪ Please give me time ♪ 1609 01:35:17,440 --> 01:35:23,520 ♪ Thousand miles across the seas I'll ride ♪ 1610 01:35:24,400 --> 01:35:29,960 ♪ We'll waltz on glass ♪ 1611 01:35:31,360 --> 01:35:34,720 ♪ Hand in hand this moment ♪ 1612 01:35:34,800 --> 01:35:39,880 ♪ It's our last It's our last ♪ 1613 01:35:39,960 --> 01:35:43,200 ♪ It's our last ♪ 1614 01:35:43,560 --> 01:35:47,240 ♪ It's our last ♪ 1615 01:35:47,960 --> 01:35:49,960 [music fades out]