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[inhales]
[exhales]
[sighs]
[coughs]
I'm just gonna read everything aloud because...
So, this is a letter from...
the coroner for...
Greater London and...
South-- The coroner for Inner South London...
[deep breath]
...to my dad.
Sent on 15th March, 2005.
[deep breath]
It says,
"Dear Mr. von Einsiedel,
following your wife’s request today in respect of your son’s last letter,
please find this enclosed.
Unfortunately, it is in a poor state.
This was how it was sent to me.
If I remember correctly,
it was located in the pocket of his trousers when he was found.
[gulps]
If I can be of further assistance, please do not hesitate to contact me."
[sniffs]
I'm kind of absolutely terrified to look at this.
[tense music playing]
[music stops]
[rap music playing]
[boy] Yo, welcome.
I'm Evelyn.
This is a two-minute film about my life and my family.
Come...
[camera crackles]
Come and meet them.
So, this is my sister's room.
There's Orlando, my older brother.
Who are you?
Is this your video diary?
You keep all that video diary, I'll have to beat you up.
[chuckles]
[Evelyn] Are you a snowboarder?
[woman shouts] Gwennie?
-“Got love for the streets” -Yeah?
[Evelyn] This is my sister.
Yo, yo.
I'm going to answer the phone.
[camera crackles]
-[Evelyn] Where are you going? -[Gwen] I'm going to answer the phone.
[Evelyn] Turn around.
[phone ringing]
Come back.
Hang on a second.
No comments, all right?
I want the press out of here now.
[Evelyn] Here's Tansy. Tansy, doggie.
[melancholic music playing]
Tansy. Hello.
What's that? Wow, wow.
Wow, wow. Wow.
That's my little brother.
-Wicked. -[Evelyn] Wicked, wicked, wicked.
E, can you film my skate later?
[Evelyn] Yeah, man.
Skateboards.
[footsteps]
-[Evelyn] All right, Mom. What's up? -[Mom] Hello.
Nothing.
[reedy voice] Oh, my God!
This is my mom. This is our kitchen.
[Mom] Who's this for?
This is our cooker. Dog.
Woof, dog.
That's all for episode one from the Einsiedels.
[man] Thirteen years ago, my beautiful brother took his own life.
It left a void that's just never healed.
[wind gusting]
I'm Orlando von Einsiedel
and I'm a filmmaker.
Most of the films I make are in conflict zones.
-[gunfire] -Go, go, go!
Putting myself in risky situations...
has just been something I was comfortable with.
[gunshots]
[indistinct chatter]
I've always tried to push myself.
[melancholic music playing]
Despite all of that, I can't bring myself to talk about
what happened to my brother and how he died.
I mean, I can barely say his name.
You know, apart from conversations where
it's almost been forced on me, I...
I don't talk about him at all.
Neither do my brother and sister, Gwennie and Robin.
[man] That's why you're packed so light.
[Orlando] My brother loved walking.
And we've decided to try and face the things we just couldn't
on a five-week walk in places that we spent time together with him.
Along the way, our family and his best friends are going to join us.
[inhales] Um...
Today, I'm feeling really nervous.
Um...
You know, in the run-up to this,
I've obviously had to talk a little bit about what we're going to do.
Um...
But there's like a...
There's a-- There's a sort of a...
There's a point. There's a tipping point where...
I can kind of talk about the logistics of doing a walk
and knowing that we're going to talk about Evelyn.
But if I cross that point, I immediately...
[voice breaking] Even talking about it now... [inhales]
[exhales]
[gulps]
[sniffs]
[wind blowing]
[woman] He was spiritual, Evelyn.
[clicks tongue] Um...
He was always thinking on--
He was on a different level.
Evelyn had a few very close friends.
He wasn't a big party, social person.
He was um... more retreating.
Just last year,
um... [gulps, clicks tongue]
I had a conversation with Orlando in the autumn, and he--
In that kind of a older brother way,
he checks in with me every now and again, and it's like, "How are you?
How are you really?" You know. "Are you happy?" [chuckles]
Um... And I just... I burst into tears,
and I said I'm really struggling with the memory of Evelyn
and the fact that none of us have talked about it.
And this walk through places that we walked with Evelyn,
provides us with such a rare opportunity to talk,
to remember,
um...
to perhaps make sense, if at all,
of what we all went through at that time and what Evelyn went through.
Was Evelyn taller than Orlando?
-At one point, he was. -[bird screeching]
When he was older.
[stutters] But not as babies?
No, Orlando was athletic. Evelyn wasn't athletic.
[man] This will be a healing process...
or, you know, something which...
we're able to look quite introspective...
into our own family and into ourselves
and sort of take what we haven't spoken about
and deal with it, being sort of open
and not sort of--
We're able to confront it, rather than avoiding this-- this discussion.
Coming to terms with things in a way that you couldn't 15 years ago.
It's very helpful for you...
as a person.
I hope so. I mean, I think that's why... [chuckles]
That's why we wanna do this.
Yes, I think it's such a good idea.
How-- How have-- How have you coped, Mom?
-How have I coped? Um... -Yeah.
I think... initially when it happened, I panicked that I'd die over it.
I just thought I'd fall to the ground and have a heart attack.
So...
It was so-- I couldn't even admit to myself how frightening it was
because in saying the word "frightening"
or "horrifying," I'd have a panic attack saying that word.
So, I was doing as much as I could
to basically focus on anything to cope with...
the shock.
I grieved horribly or sadly on his birthday and at Christmas,
and then, you know,
every now and then something would make you remember it.
A word or a person's face.
I've met people...
who have reminded me of Evelyn in the last 13 years.
-Me too. -There was one, I had to go hold his arm,
and I thought, this is how Evelyn would have been if he'd stayed alive.
And I had to say, "I'm sorry, you look like my son, Evelyn.
I can't believe it."
He just smiled, and his smile was like Evelyn's.
Evelyn was my second son.
And he was very intelligent
and grew in stature through his academic years.
And...
Everybody loved him.
And Evelyn, who was so highly intelligent, had won chemistry cups
and all sorts of things at school and wanted to be a doctor.
He was very caring and sympathetic.
And he seemed absolutely fine
until he was about 17 or 18...
when he had a terrific downfall.
He became depressed,
couldn't do anything.
[clicks tongue] Um...
He left school and had a gap year.
And... longed to go to Africa.
So he went to Africa, to Namibia... [sniffs]
...and his father put him in a placement with a German family.
And he seemed perfectly happy for a while.
[sniffs]
[voice breaking] And then...
all of the sudden... [sniffs]
...all his happiness that he faxed through to all of us...
disappeared.
[birds screeching]
You know, Evelyn, in the next two to three years, the darling angel
became a monster that we couldn't understand,
or we tried to understand,
um... but it was so not Evelyn to be who he was being.
[sniffs]
[Robin] I spent a lot of time with E the last few weeks.
[stuttering] I was in the house when Evelyn left
-and he, subsequently, didn't come back. -[bell rings, kids laughing]
[stuttering] And I remember...
this exchange or this conversation I'm having with him.
And, you know, I think...
-What did you-- What was said? -That sort of--
This--
When he was in Scotland to being in London,
you know, he was saying, like, "I'm gonna kill myself,"
like all the time.
It's not like...
He'd planned it, I think, a year before.
Well, Mom and I...
found him trying to do it at home,
and we both had to cut him down from the trapeze.
I don't know if we ever talked about that. But that wasn't--
Yeah, I remember you telling me about that.
-You know what-- -That was awful.
Somebody said to me, they do it when you least expect it.
That was what they said, and the point was,
that night he had such a panic attack at full moon.
I thought we'd got him through it that night.
-When he went off to see Jack-- -[sobbing]
Oh, G.
[crying]
Most of the time today, if I'm honest, um...
I'm just feeling sad. [chuckles]
Um... So...
[inhales]
I don't know. It's hard. It's-- It's really draining...
talking about this and...
[breathes deeply]
And then it's especially hard when I see how upset they've all got today.
[melancholic music playing]
[Gwen sighs]
I think this is good for all of us,
but I think it's especially good for Robin.
What? Talking?
Yeah.
Why? Is it because you think he...
[panting]
I think if he...[chuckles] Yeah...
I'd actually just say speak for yourself, Orlando.
[chuckles]
-All right. Fair. Fair enough. -Fair enough.
[Gwen] Robin's actually like-- I think Robin's remarkably...
articulate about his emotions.
If you ask him about it. He doesn't share them.
He's not-- I mean, neither of you are like that. You don't just...
talk willingly about yourselves.
[Gwen] I can't tell you how good it felt
when I finally talked to Orlando back in September.
I said to him, you know, I'm really struggling with...
with Evelyn and with this memory and...
And to hear... To have him...
kind of acknowledge that and say, you know, Gwennie,
I haven't even been able to say his name for like ten years. [sobbing]
I've...
You know, it was just like I opened a tiny valve,
and I was like, oh, my God, we're actually talking about this.
And we're both saying...
[gulps] We've both struggled.
And um... [clears throat] ...that...
That felt like such huge progress already, just to even like say his name together.
To acknowledge...
that we'd both struggled. And to hear Orlando's side of it too was...
You know, I just kind of thought Orlando was a complete...
completely emotionally stunted. [laughs]
I've never seen Orlando cry.
[sniffs]
-It is magical, isn't it? -Yeah.
[sighs]
Nice.
Evil, little sister.
-What are you? -She wasn't anymore risky.
[Harriet] After tests, they decided it wasn't depression.
It was schizophrenia.
And that diagnosis nearly finished me off. [weeping]
But it was just because, I think, as a mom,
you've gone down so far with them... [sniffs]
...and when they-- when they come up with a diagnosis like that,
it's pretty frightening for your child to have a diagnosis like that.
I think having a child with schizophrenia was quite a stigma.
And being a single parent was quite a stigma too.
And-- And so...
a lot of people would go,
"You are a single parent and...
and it's probably your fault that Evelyn got schizophrenia."
-I don't think anyone thought that. -[Harriet] Well, it makes people...
try and criticize you, or even try and make-- be frightened of you.
But really you have no idea that schizophrenia is--
When you look back, it's so frightening, what the chemistry does.
It's frightening.
That one minute you're,
as a person,
absolutely 100% fine.
And gradually and gradually, you get this deterioration of your brain.
And what it does to the brain that you, as the individual, can't control.
I still feel...
remarkably ignorant about it, despite what I know.
In many ways, often when you go through something, and you...
Or you experience something that changes your life,
it might then draw you to do a lot of research about it and get--
You know, understand it better.
And I definitely went the other way after Evelyn killed himself.
I couldn't interact with anything to do with mental health,
anything to do with those sorts of conditions.
It just-- I just didn't...
You know, it was too painful.
[Harriet] When I sometimes think of him deeply,
there are six points that come into my head
that I don't try and think of, but they come towards me.
One is...
he used to whisper in your ear.
-Yeah, he did. -[Gwen] Yes.
The other one was his giggle.
[Gwen] Yeah.
-The other were his twinkling eyes. -[Gwen] Yeah.
The other one was he had the loudest farts.
[Gwen] I was about to say that!
[laughs]
Mom, I can't believe that's one of your memories. That's also--
I actually don't remember the loudness. I remember
-the smell. [laughs] -[Robin] The smell.
Yeah.
[laughing] It's...
But if you were to ask me sort of ten things,
I definitely would have listed that as one of them.
Yeah.
[melancholic music playing]
[Harriet and Gwen humming]
[both laugh]
[humming continues]
[Harriet sighs and chuckles]
-[Harriet] Woo! -[both laugh]
-Novel! -Oh, my lovely, veiled bride.
[both chuckle]
[thunder rumbling]
Look outside.
Nice.
Nice weather.
-I'd like to say this is really... -Nice.
Nice.
-It's fucking-- -But you can't.
I understand.
[Orlando] Mom, where were you when you found out?
[Harriet] The day he died,
[sniffs] Um... [clicks tongue]
I woke up in the morning and rushed into his bedroom and he wasn't there.
And I woke Gwennie, and I said, "Gwennie, where is he?
I’ve got this horrible suspicion he’s not with Jack." [clicks tongue]
And I got in the car with her,
and we went looking around the streets everywhere.
We couldn’t find him.
We couldn’t find him anywhere.
And Kevin had offered...
He said, "Oh, I can help you. I’ll help."
And he went down the garden, and then he came back,
this was in the afternoon, with a face.
And I just saw that face, and I thought, "Oh, my God.
Evelyn’s in the garden." I never looked.
I never looked at the bottom of the garden.
And he said, "I think we'd better ring the police."
And I was so stunned. The police came, and I said...
And the police said, "I don’t think you should go down."
And of course being me, Mom, I said, "I’m going down."
And I went down,
and he was lying on the ground in a bivvy bag,
which they were zipping up.
[Gwen] They're having a really dark conversation, Robin.
And it's that sort of stunning moment,
you want to wake him up.
[Gwen] Do you wanna join in, or not?
Yeah. That’s how it happened.
And I remember him leaving the house.
[sniffs] Um...
It was about six in the evening. Still light. September.
And then... um...
And then... uh...
[stuttering] He left the house, and...
and I thought nothing of it.
And then going to school the next day,
um...
and then getting called to the...
the headmaster’s office,
um... and told I had to go home.
I remember the drama teacher gave me a lift home.
[sniffs]
And uh...
[voice breaking] Yeah, I saw the ambulance and the police outside.
[exhales]
[thunder rumbling]
[Robin] So I find
just because, you know, days are such a long time,
there’s so much to think about.
He invariably pops into-- I mean, maybe because I live at home.
There's just so many-- There’s so many pictures of him...
-Yeah. -...there.
It sort of-- He's actually-- It feels very present.
[thunderclaps]
Yeah, so I kind of have these dreams where...
he appears, and it’s just, "Oh, hey. You’re back."
-And he’s like, "Yeah, here I am." -Yeah.
“Where did you go?” “Oh, you know,” and it’s this strange dialogue.
We’re talking, and you know...
-Yeah, you know this thing’s not right. -Yes.
And it’s like...
you know, "It’s so great to see you.
Don’t go. Can you just like stay here?"
And...
I remember it’s this really strange thing.
It’s like this warmth of something coming back.
It feels quite complete, and then-- You know, and then you wake up.
-And it’s completely severed. -Yeah.
And... But...
I just... I always remember this very repetitive dialogue of,
you know, like, "Don’t go."
-[Harriet] Yes. -Please stay.
[Gwen] Yeah.
[melancholic piano music playing]
[Robin] I see Evelyn as like a... as a guardian.
-[Orlando] Keeping an eye on you? -[Robin] Yeah. I don’t know.
[Robin] If I had to pray, it would be to that, rather than...
somewhere else.
[Harriet] Evelyn loved this walk, didn’t he?
[Orlando] Every day, I’m questioning
whether or not this whole thing is a good idea.
It’s really tough. Um...
It’s so much harder than I thought this would be.
Um...
I’m struggling just to hold it all together.
[Orlando] Are you all right?
-[Gwen] All right. -How are you, Gwennie?
-Fine. How are you doing? -I'm good.
-Hi. -Look at me.
-How was your journey? -Hello, sweetheart.
Darling. [kisses]
[man] It was boring as hell.
Oh, why didn’t you do something more interesting?
Why was it boring?
Because it is. Some people on the train.
-[woman laughs] -[Gwen] Hi, Jo!
Hi, Gwennie! [chuckles]
-[Robin] The man. -[Gwen] I like your sunglasses.
[man] Unfortunately, the marriage fell apart...
[inhales] ...when the kids were still very young.
I mean, Robin was barely born.
Evelyn was...
Eighty-eight. Evelyn was six, and so as he grew up,
I always felt he was sort of the...
um... the strongest link between myself and maybe his mother.
And I feel I had a very similar role in my own family.
[water flowing]
Evelyn was much more in touch with being from my part of the family,
of an Einsiedel... [stuttering] ...than you or Gwennie, you know?
Um... Gwennie is completely,
I think emotionally on the Duckworth side.
Do you want to explain that a little bit further?
My strongest impression will be
the enormous amount of tension there was in the air when we arrived.
It was crackling, and I think-- And...
I thought, you know, that something will explode.
And I thought it would be likely to be Gwennie and Andreas
because it was just electric.
No, I can’t really explain that, Gwennie. It’s only... It’s only your... um...
The things you like in life.
I’m not being critical.
Uh... The-- The--
You know, you were extremely close to your granny. Um...
You know, you’re drawn towards Scotland. All these things. It’s quite natural.
And Evelyn was actually the only one who spent a bit of time in Germany, you know.
Don’t forget, in his gap year, he spent...
I don’t know, two months, three months in Munich.
He was the best German speaker of you.
-[Gwen] Uh... -[scoffs]
At the time.
-I think you’re romant-- See, this is it. -Possibly.
This is it. This is where your memory is now romanticizing Evelyn.
Yeah, maybe. Was your German better?
I was the only one that did it for A Level.
Right, okay. Well, that... Yes.
And-- And then also spent time there.
-But not as much as E. -And you always said,
"Of all my children, you’re the best German speaker."
Okay. I take it back then, Gwennie. Then it was you.
No. I mean, I’m not-- It’s fine.
I’m happy for Evelyn to have that medal
-because he did-- -[chuckling]
But it’s just-- I’m just--
I want to pull you up a little bit because I think sometimes when people die...
Okay. Yes.
-We view them with qualities-- -We view them with--
Qualities, you know, which they may not have had.
That’s absolutely possible.
[Johanna] Have you read any of the things that we handed over to...
Orlando? You know, the paperwork?
-[Robin] From what? -From E's...
There’s some reports from the Maudsley--
[Robin] No, I haven’t.
Now Evelyn had started to change...
[inhales]
...actually when he was 18.
Schizophrenia.
It manifests itself typically in boys in the late teens,
and I think Evelyn was no exception there.
[inhales]
We have a history in my family of male suicide...
unfortunately, and, um...
somehow, I just felt it, and it was my worry.
When Evelyn became ill, it was my increasing worry
that this will be a likely outcome.
And everybody, the medicals, the doctors who treated him, who saw him,
said this was not the case. “He’s not suicidal.”
When Evelyn got quite ill and was put into the Maudsley,
Bougle got ill, my mother,
and she had to go to be hospitalized with depression as well.
So Bougle spent six months in that hospital,
and that overlapped with Evelyn dying.
And...
when I told her that,
she said to me, “I’ve spoken to my doctor here, the consultant,
and he said to me,
'If your son had been in our care, this would not have happened.’”
Right?
So, again, that was not exactly what I wanted to hear.
Um...
Who said that?
[Andreas] The German doctor.
The German psychiatrist said this would not have happened, which of course,
you know, I don’t put much credence to this, but--
Well, maybe you should compare young male suicide rate
between Germany and the UK.
They kill themselves there just as much. Um...
And... um...
But I’ve come to the conclusion...
now that, you know, what else can you think?
I’m not going to go say, “Look, we could have avoided this
had he had better medical care.”
[inhales] Um... You know, better medical care wasn’t available,
and I don’t think actually it would have made a difference,
quite frankly.
I don’t know. But, anyway, look...
I don’t want to go there because the idea that it could have been prevented
is just too much to bear.
[sniffs]
[bangs] No!
[Andreas] I’m sorry! I’m not chilling out! These are people.
They need to understand how to do things!
Dad, stop it.
Don’t criticize me when I tell these people how to do it!
-I’m just saying... -Do it properly.
-...chill the fuck out. -Chill out, okay.
Jesus.
-[Gwen] Wow. -[Andreas clears throat]
-Jeez. -It's not a big deal.
I’m sorry.
I know you don’t like being challenged, but sometimes--
-I don’t think you can behave like that. -[Johanna] Nobody does. Nor do you.
Fine, but I’m still the one to bring it up because it makes us all feel awful.
No!
We’re dealing with really difficult material!
-But that’s completely separate really! -And for you to lose your shit
about the fact that your meal came together is like...
Really?
One has nothing to do with the other.
Separate that.
If you're in a restaurant, you're not doing their job.
It’s okay.
-Gwennie, drop it-- -That’s all it is.
[indistinct chatter]
I just don’t-- Also, I’m sorry we’re not like...
like, we don’t revere you like some kind of like respecting father figure.
You don’t have to revere me. I don’t want that!
-Well, then accept that in order-- -We don’t have that relationship.
-But I do, Gwen. -Yeah, I know.
-I do accept it! -Exactly, but then great.
-I do accept it. -Thank you for accepting it.
No, I completely accept it. I know I was an idiot.
You know? Sorry.
I don’t know why I lose my temper like this
on, kind of, on a nothing, you know?
-On a complete nothing. -On a complete nothing, you know, but--
-And in such a public space. Just-- -Yes.
But it was a combination of things, I think.
[Andreas exhales]
[Johanna] Right or wrong, Orlando, I feel Gwennie does hold Andreas
quite responsible for some of Evelyn’s situation and for other things. She's--
She’s furious with him a lot.
-[Gwen] Wow! -[Orlando] Oh, wow!
-Nice! -[Andreas] Wow! Look at that!
That’s pretty cool.
I think this is a photo op.
-[Gwen] Water shoot. -[Orlando] Yeah.
[Andreas] Let's turn around.
-[Gwen] Think the boys climbed up there? -[Andreas] Ready.
[scoffs]
[camera clicks]
[Gwen] Happy birthday to our beautiful brother, Evelyn.
He would have been 35 today,
but lost his battle with schizophrenia and ended his own life 13 years ago.
In some ways, it feels like an age away, and in others, like only yesterday.
In his memory, Orlando, Robin and I have been walking across the UK
visiting places where we spent time together as kids and sharing a grief
that up to this point we’ve been unable to talk about.
If you knew Evelyn, you’ll remember his infectious laughter,
huge smile and all-embracing hugs.
We miss him so much.
We absolutely need to keep talking about mental illness.
We need to fight the stigma,
question why suicide remains the biggest killer of young men in this country,
and push for better care from our mental health services.
[Orlando] I think it’s lovely.
I don’t think you need to change a single thing.
I’m not asking you to tell me to change anything.
I just wanted to listen to it.
I wouldn't...
[Orlando] It’s great.
[panting]
I definitely do not remember this walk, Orlando.
You did it, though.
-Well-- -How could you not remember?
No. Again, it’s so beautiful,
-I think I'd remember it. -It'll stay with me for life.
I’ve never been around a lake like this.
[birds chirping]
[Gwen singing]
You know, there was...
I’ve always felt that...
there’s three...
days and three moments, or three days in the year...
that I’ve always dreaded,
and...
They are?
The anniversary of Evelyn’s death.
-Yes. -The second of September. Yeah.
Um... It’s not really the day, but the moment that...
you give a toast on Christmas Eve...
-[Andreas inhales sharply] -...towards E.
Not dreaded--
You dreaded it because you were confronted with it.
-Exactly. -You’ve been running away from it
for 17 years.
I know, and then today is the other day.
-The birthday? -Yeah.
[sniffs]
I don’t feel that today, though.
You feel you’ve actually now... [clears throat]
...banned the ghost - exorcised?
[stutters] I don’t know about that.
-I didn’t wake up this morning feeling-- -On the way perhaps.
I didn’t even--
Last night, I didn’t even think about today being...
a tough day actually.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[dog barking]
[Andreas] Are we having an ice cream break?
Evelyn would have loved that.
[ducks quacking]
-[Johanna] Was he an ice cream man? -[Andreas] I’m sure he was.
[Gwen] Do you wanna choose a single cone?
-A flake? -[man] Hi. How are we doing?
Good.
What have you got, then?
Everything that’s on the menu is down there.
It’s all vanilla, the ice cream.
Silly thing.
I made a friend.
I think we should take her with us.
Come here, chick.
-[camera clicks] -Lovely.
We're walking in memory of our brother...
-Oh, right. -...who...
who took his own life...
-Oh. -...thirteen years ago.
-Oh, wow. -And...
We don’t really talk about it, and we haven’t talked about it for a long time,
but this is sort of a journey to do that and explore.
It’s a really, really hard one to get over that.
I have personal experience myself.
My mother went four years ago in December.
Oh, I’m so sorry.
Yeah. No, I understand where you’re coming from, like, really.
It just leaves you with no answers or anything, you know?
It's a...
Are you guys talking about it?
Oh, yeah. Me and my sister are always open to talk about it.
It’s not shunned away or anything along those lines.
We're just as proud of her. You know?
-Brilliant. -So...
She thought nobody liked her.
Frickin' hard, isn't it?
-It’s really hard. -Yeah.
[indistinct chatter]
So, I went out with my sister last Tuesday to celebrate her life,
and we're doing that every year.
Last Tuesday, it was the 22nd,
-and that was the day that she went. -Right.
So, we’ve decided that we're going to do that every year.
-We started that last year... -Brilliant.
...and that’s what we're gonna do, celebrate her life...
when it ended, unfortunately.
[chickens clucking]
-I think that’s a great idea. -Yeah.
It’s just an illness, and it's...
Talking about it is better than anything.
-It was really nice to meet you. -Likewise.
-[Gwen] What was your mom called? -Amanda.
-[Gwen] Amanda. -Our brother was called Evelyn.
Today is actually his birthday.
[man] Oh, wow.
I'm Orlando's sister. I'm Gwennie.
-Yeah. -What’s your name?
-John. -John.
Thanks for sharing, John.
But I hope all goes well for you.
Thanks, John.
Good on you guys.
-Thanks, mate. -Take care.
Enjoy the rest of your day.
[Orlando] Cheers.
[Andreas] Orlando, amazing that you could tell him that immediately.
You see, I had...
I would have had huge hesitation to tell this man...
[Gwen] Well, Orlando hesitated. It was a hesitation when we started...
to say that.
[Andreas] I would have said it’s a family film and left it at that,
but brilliant for you.
[Gwen] Hey, put that bowl somewhere else.
[Johanna humming]
[Andreas] Gwennie, I got messages today from my family remembering Evelyn,
which has actually never happened.
[country music playing]
-You know? -But that’s because--
Do they know what you’re doing right now?
Well, my sister does, but my brothers don’t.
I think this is a result really.
[Johanna] Have you spoken to Beta?
-We tried to call her. -[Johanna] Today?
-No. I haven’t. -[Orlando] I’m calling her now.
I tried about 20 minutes ago, and she didn’t answer.
-[Johanna] Try the landline then. -[Robin] Mom?
Hi.
How are you?
Oh, nice.
[Orlando] Put it on speaker so we can all hear.
[Robin] Mom, I’m just gonna put you on speaker phone.
-[Orlando] We’re all here... -[Robin laughs]
[Orlando] Dad, Jo, Gwennie, Robin.
[Orlando] We’re phoning to send you lots of love.
[Robin] Mom, you’re on loud speaker.
[Gwen] We can all hear you.
-[Harriet] Okay. -[Robin] Hello.
-I’m on loud speaker, am I? -Yes.
Well, it’s been Evelyn’s day, hasn’t it?
Thinking of Evelyn in my mind, and I said happy birthday to him,
outside Westcroft moor, and then I said,
“I don’t know what else I could have done more for you, Evelyn.
I just wish you were here.”
And, for a minute,
it was like he was by the back door just for one second in my head.
Where are you in Cumbria?
[Orlando] We’re near Penrith, and we’re cooking a barbecue.
We’re having a barbecue.
Its been lovely weather today.
[Harriet] Is it?
Yeah, and we’re...
We've got a table full of candles,
and we’ve opened some Prosecco,
and we just toasted E, Mom.
[Harriet] Well, listen, it’s very nice to talk to you.
Thank you for speaking.
[Robin] Thanks, Mom.
[laughs]
The gremlins are going to kill the cat!
-[Andreas] I think that’s a good moment... -[Johanna] Signing off then.
...to let you go now.
-[Gwen] Mama. -Love you.
Love you, Mama.
-[Orlando] Bye, Mom. -Just let her save the cats.
Mom, save the cat.
-Save the cat. -[Johanna] Who’s killing the cat?
[laughs]
[Gwen] The gremlins are trying to kill the cat.
Let's cheers to Mom. Here's to Harriet.
-[Johanna] Absolutely. -[Andreas] To Mom.
-[Johanna] Absolutely. -Cheers.
That was a classic sign off.
[laughs]
I’ve always acknowledged the enormous...
sacrifice she made for you, and, you know, the...
the incredible love she’s been able to give to you, which is--
It’s fantastic, and I’ve always acknowledged that
and, um...
and what a wonderful mother she is, you know.
It just was for us impossible to live together,
and, in many ways, our marriage failed.
You know, it did not only set her free, but it set me free as well
because we're just-- We were so incompatible.
[fly buzzing]
[Orlando] Well, they didn’t speak for-- for what?
For... Since... From the age of when I was eight to pretty much to Evelyn’s death.
I mean, you spoke a little bit when he was ill,
but you didn’t really speak. You communicated with letters.
-And then-- -[Gwen] Or through us.
Or through us.
And then Evelyn dying, and then, you know,
we spent two Christmases together, didn’t we? All of us.
-And then I-- -[Andreas] Yeah, we did that.
That doesn’t mean we talked. It just meant--
-[Orlando] Well, whatever. -Things were moved
-onto a slightly more civilized level. -[Orlando] Sure.
I would then say it's faded away a bit since then.
That’s fine.
[melancholic music playing]
[Andreas panting]
I’m getting slowly wet from the outside and wet from the inside.
[panting]
-[Robin] What's happening on the inside? -[sighs] What?
[Gwen chuckles] What's happening on the inside?
[Andreas and Robin laugh]
[Gwen] He had an accident.
[Gwen chuckles]
Stop it.
-[Gwen sniffs and chuckles] -Give more respect, please.
[Robin panting]
[bird hooting]
[Orlando] Who told you guys, then?
[Andreas] Beta called me.
[exhales]
[panting]
I’ll tell you tonight.
[Gwen] No, do it now
because I think I’m not gonna wanna revisit this later on.
You don’t.
[Gwen] Have at it. While we’re doing this, we might as well just...
let it all out.
Dad... I don’t know.
Well...
[panting]
I got a call from Beta about three o’clock in the afternoon, four o’clock maybe...
[vehicle approaching]
...and it was a call I’ve been dreading.
When I saw her number on the display, I had a feeling.
I knew what it was, and I’d spoken to Evelyn the night before.
I’d spoken to Gwennie the same morning,
and I asked Gwennie, I asked you, "Gwennie, where’s Evelyn?”
And you said, “Oh, he’s not in his room.”
I said, “Where is he?” “He’s probably with a friend.”
You know?
I asked her to go to his room and check, and he wasn’t there.
And then you said, “Oh, he’s probably with a friend.”
Anyway, I didn’t say anything. I didn’t say "go and check the garden."
Thank goodness.
Um...
Anyway, I got that call from Beta at three or four o’clock in the afternoon,
and she said,
“I’ve lost my baby.”
That’s what she said. And I immediately thought...
I thought about Robin... at that moment.
[chuckles] Really. [sniffs]
Not about Evelyn, for about a second or two,
and then she told me everything.
It was grim. That was grim.
And I was working in somebody else’s house,
so you have to pull yourself together somehow.
Thank goodness Jo was there and, um...
So I went outside in the garden and cried for half an hour.
I think I spoke to Beta. I spoke to you as well again during that time.
-I don't remember that. -Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
And then...
Um... I just went back to work,
and I finished what I had to do.
Also so grateful that I could do that.
[melancholic piano music playing]
[thunder rumbling]
Gwennie, Robin, Gwennie.
[camera clicks]
[Andreas] It is absolutely gorgeous, isn’t it?
[Orlando] It’s the legacy of what happened
and how all of our relationships have been fractured.
His presence has such an influence on how my family interacts.
And if one part of this walk is that we change our relationship with our brother,
that would obviously be great, but as a secondary thing,
if we can mend some of the wounds in our own relationships,
that would be fantastic.
[wind blowing]
[raindrops]
[Orlando] Here’s the thing, right.
I spent 13 years not thinking about E.
[man] Mm-hmm.
And I’ve forgotten-- It’s horrible,
and I’ve forgotten so many stories and so many... things.
Um...
So it’s kind of wonderful just to listen.
How do you not think about it?
[stutters] I mean, I’m not challenging you.
Leon, how long have we known each other,
and how often have we spoken about E together?
Oh...
I would say I tried. [chuckles] I tried and...
your-- your reaction was like...
I don’t know. Almost like how you ask your parent something,
and you know you shouldn’t be asking it. They're like, "No.
Enough of that, okay?"
I'm not going to say that ever again. [chuckles]
[Leon] Evelyn was my best friend.
Evelyn was my little brother.
Um...
And Evelyn, he was my comrade.
-Hi. -[woman] Welcome to (inaudible)...
Thank you very much.
It’s lovely.
[chuckling]
How are you doing?
Fine.
Are you taking photographs?
-We’re walking. -Are you?
Yeah, from... Well, we started just outside Aviemore,
-in memory of our-- -Just a wee stroll, then.
-Just a stroll. -Yeah.
-[woman laughs] -Just a gentle stroll.
-In all our gear. -In memory of what?
Yeah. We’re doing it in memory of our brother.
Uh-huh. Wow.
We haven’t-- Its been almost 13 years,
and we realized that none of us really talked about what happened, so...
Our brother...
Those are his two best friends.
-He took his own life. -[woman 2] Oh.
[woman 1] Oh. Well, that’s a brilliant thing to do for him.
[woman 2] Yeah. Yeah.
-Our dad passed away. -We’re quite sad. Our dad just died.
-Today! -Today!
We couldn't bear to be there, so we came out.
-Oh, I’m sorry. -I’m sorry.
But he was 92, so it’s different.
-Yeah. -Still...
I wanna climb up Benlevy for him.
-[woman 2] This one. -[Orlando] The one in the mist?
[woman 1] There’s a bottle of whiskey at the top.
My dad used to go up to the mountain rescue.
And he knows someone from it, so he used to go up.
One time he went up, anyway, and he found the whiskey and had a little bup.
-Behind a bush. -It's a hidden whiskey.
-We should head up there as well. -We should go and look for the bottle.
-It's very well hidden. -Very.
Give me the coordinates.
-Here’s to your father. -You guys, too.
To your brother. Yeah.
-What was his name? -Evelyn.
-Okay, here’s to Evelyn. -Thank you.
[Robin] Say cheese!
-Cheese! -Cheese!
A lot of time I spent when I was like 13 or 14 was when...
after my Dad committed suicide,
so I spent a lot of time in the sort of family with them and...
became a second home, really, I guess, in that sense.
So, I wasn’t sure if it was half speaking about that or half asking of how...
Because I think them as a family has really sort of helped me
and a real sort of...
just sort of a way to get away from what’s going on.
[melancholic piano music playing]
Yeah!
Woo!
Woo! Uh!
[chuckles]
[Orlando] Is Gwennie still asleep?
Mm-hmm.
[Orlando] Is she okay?
Mm-hmm.
-[Robin] But we found something out. -[Orlando] What?
You were sleeping on about three... [laughing]
Sleeping on about three sleeping bags and two mats,
and you left me and Gwennie to sleep on these dodgy, little yoga mats.
[all laugh]
It was like-- He was like a prince in that tent. A little prince.
[sniffs]
-[Leon] We need to get you too. -[camera clicks]
[Orlando] There's already plenty of me.
Not in here.
You can never have too much.
[Orlando] This way, I get to hide behind the camera...
-No, that's not the point. No. -...and ask the questions. [laughs]
[Leon] How are you coping so far?
I want you to tell me some memories today that make me laugh.
I wanna hear funny things, Leon.
I've got loads of those. Don't worry about that.
[chuckles]
[Orlando] Some happy ones when things were better.
[kids laughing]
[gentle music playing]
[clicks tongue twice]
Nice walk. Didn’t see anything.
[sniffs] Nice and windy.
It's good. I feel good.
[exhales]
[laughs]
[man] Give us a smile, man, and then go.
[friends cheering] Yeah!
[Gwen] It's the epitome of cool.
You know, you guys going off and skating at South Bank.
And that’s why I started rollerblading. I wanted to-- [chuckles]
-Wanted to keep up. -Wanted to be able to join in
and hang out at the South Bank with the cool boys.
You know, I was always really competitive with E.
[Jack] Yeah, I remember.
-Skateboarding was the one thing I just-- -[Jack] You couldn’t keep up.
I could never keep up with him on.
You got that silly board with the feet straps on, didn't you?
-[Orlando] Oh, wow! -[Gwen] Oh, this is like...
Payoff is quick for this one, isn’t it?
[Jack] Guys. [whistles]
[camera clicks]
-[Orlando] Why is he striding ahead? -[Jack] I'm not sure.
[sniffs]
-Do you talk much about your dad, Jack? -[sighs] Ah...
[huffs] At times.
More than happy to sort of talk about it and stuff. I never...
bring it to the table, but if someone asks,
then I’d happily sort of chat and stuff.
I’ve done it before when I've spoken, where I’ve said stuff
and sometimes it completely throws people. You know what I mean?
I guess I'm almost feeling bad for them.
I don't want to make people feel uncomfortable sometimes
in situations and stuff.
-That’s exactly how I've often felt. -Yeah.
There's a lot of stuff that I've buried for years.
Maybe not really even properly...
really thought about them
or sort of finalizing that sort of stuff.
I don't think you will ever really finalize a sort of thing like this.
I think you just grow to understand bits more, or just grow to sort of like...
Just...
-I know. You’re right. There’s never-- -[Jack] There’s no real finality to it.
I think you just grow to sort of live with it and deal with it and sort of let it be.
I think we all felt particularly...
sorry for you.
[huffs]
Sorry is the wrong word, Jack. I don’t know, but...
It’s bad enough to have to deal with these things once, right?
[chuckles]
[fly buzzing]
Isn't it crazy that we had an anniversary at ten years,
and yet still it was like it’s ten years, we should mark--
-We should do something. -We should mark this,
but yet none of us talked about it still.
[Orlando sighs]
-There comes a time-- -[Robin] We did a-- There was a marking.
[Gwen] Yeah, there was a marking.
I think you're taking a liberty, you know.
Why?
Because you’re doing what you do,
and you’re asking the questions, so you don’t have to talk.
Now, you have to talk.
[panting]
Am I wrong?
I was listening to you behind me. [chuckles]
I was listening to you.
[fly buzzing]
[Leon] I've probably spent more time with Orlando than most other people,
and, you know,
I can always see when he’s trying to hide.
He’s trying to hide behind asking questions and stuff.
And it kind of amuses me.
Like, do you actually think I can’t see what you’re trying to do?
I was just letting him do it most of the time until this...
until now because...
I was like, you asked for this, so...
-[Leon] I feel almost... -[water flowing]
How can you feel you have the right to tell other people’s stories
and go so deep into their pain,
but...
Almost kind of refusing to do it.
-I mean, you’re not refusing now. -Who am I going to talk to?
I mean... No, because... No. I’m serious about that. I mean...
[birds screeching]
My brother and sister didn’t wanna deal with this at all, just like me,
so I don’t talk to them.
And-- I--
I don’t know. You know... [stutters] I know how much...
I don’t know. I didn't wanna ever get into it with my mom and dad.
I don’t know. You know, sometimes it feels like such a burden
to even put on someone else anyway.
Yeah, but when a burden’s shared...
Yeah, but then, Leon,
it’s like opening up a box.
Life’s hard anyway. We all know that.
-I know, but-- -And if you can...
I mean, you know--
Yeah, I’m aware that-- I always thought at some point...
everything would come back out again.
-So, you met in an unplanned way, right? -Yeah.
-[Leon] We come from other places. -Until that day.
You, like, come from, like, super privilege.
-And-- -Sure.
Obviously, that doesn’t--
I mean, everyone’s pain experiences are relative, but...
the people that you’ve told stories about,
they were on the far end of the...
the opposite end of the scale.
And, like you say, life is hard.
That's hard for them, but you still dig and tell their story.
I think their options are...
They have a lot less options than you.
[panting]
I think from what I know of you,
because you’re someone who just gets on with things.
And it's a...
I guess a touch of that...
stiff upper lip,
man up, puff your chest out and just get on with it,
but that’s kind of a...
outdated view of...
masculinity, I guess.
And...
to see someone like you,
as successful as you are, being open and vulnerable,
that might make all the difference to someone watching this...
who hasn’t felt able to talk to anyone about how they’re feeling
because, you know, for fear of being seen as weak.
[birds screeching]
[indistinct chatter]
[Orlando] You know, I’m not scared about feeling weak
in front of anyone, other than...
my brother and sister.
I don’t care if you think I'm weak.
[Leon] I don’t think you’re weak. I don’t think you’re weak at all.
But I’m not-- That’s not...
That’s not the-- That's not my issue.
I don’t think they’d see it as weakness. I think they’d see it as a shared emotion.
They’re not alone in feeling that way.
If big brother feels that way, maybe it’s okay for me to feel that way.
Yeah. I mean, listen, logically, I totally agree with you. It’s just...
Every part of my body, even having this conversation with you, is so tense.
When this is over,
you know, like the way you thought Gwennie would regret it
if she hadn’t come and slept in the tent.
You’re gonna kick yourself.
And how I think you’re going to feel if you don’t...
open up completely. How are you going to feel later on?
Because later on, everyone’s going to go back to their lives
and do what they do.
I don’t even know what opening up completely is.
You’re saying that to me.
I’m trying to talk about this, and...
What does that even look like from your point of view?
Like, what would I even say?
Don’t pick your words so carefully. Just speak and whatever comes out, comes out.
That’s my whole point. It’s just life is meant to be a struggle.
It’s almost like, because it's hard, I'd rather not do it.
Because it's hard is more reason to do it.
Then it becomes easier and easier.
It is becoming easier.
A little bit.
[sniffs]
A little bit each day.
But I can’t-- You know, I can’t fight the pit in my stomach every day that...
I know we’re going to have this conversation or a conversation like this.
But that’s my point.
-Why do you have to fight it? -I can't-- But that's...
It’s not fighting it. It's-- It's...
It’s so draining.
When he was here, he was here. He existed.
[Leon] If we’re just burying these feelings,
you know, we're just kind of forgetting them
and not acknowledging those feelings that we had,
the feelings we still have for him.
[melancholic violin music playing]
-What happens if none of us stick around? -[Orlando sniffs]
[crying]
[Orlando] Oh, my God. I’m trying not to hate this.
I've got so much...
agony just built up from so long.
[sniffs]
[man] Is that the sea over there?
Yeah, maybe like out, beyond through there.
[man] On that cliff?
[clears throat]
[Gwen grunts]
-Should we get to the top? -This is bloody nice, isn’t it?
To sit still and not be attacked by midges.
Because he used to tell me everything, I felt maybe...
I'd missed something.
Maybe he had tried to tell me something, and I'd missed it.
Um... [clicks tongue]
And I remember he had...
Maybe about a week before he did it,
he had tried to phone me, and I missed the call.
And he left a voicemail and said he’d call back later.
And I remember, I think it was the first mobile phone I had,
and I didn’t even really know how to use it.
And... um...
I didn’t listen to the voicemail until after he had died,
and I’ve always felt that...
that is the conversation where he wanted to talk to me about how he was feeling.
If we’d had that conversation, that, um...
maybe I could’ve said something that would’ve meant he didn’t do that.
[wind gusting]
[Orlando] Come sit here in the gap.
[Gwen] Orlando wasn’t there. Orlando didn’t see that.
[Leon] The last,
what, 13 years,
he was cool, and it was just unexpected, as much as I knew of it.
That was my thought on it.
And it’s really interesting listening to you guys,
or, like, you talk about E in his school days
and, like, hanging out.
He was like-- E was like you.
He used to laugh a lot.
It was only kind of around exam time...
where he would kind of get anxious, and then...
Even the times when he felt anxious,
it was very easy to kind of make him laugh and stuff again.
It wouldn’t last long at all.
It's like in--
Whatever was upsetting him, if he was telling me about it,
he would talk about it as if he’s never going to get past it.
He was so upset about it.
And literally a minute later, he’s forgotten.
He’s wetting himself with laughter and that thing’s forgotten completely.
[Gwen chuckles softly]
[Leon] There’s lots of memories I have, but there’s no dialogue.
It’s just him laughing at whatever was happening. Just laughing.
Exactly.
[Leon] Like lighting his farts and setting his ass on fire and stuff.
[laughs]
[Gwen] That’s lovely.
What? Shitting his pants? [chuckles]
No, that like...
It’s really lovely that you have those.
-Those details. -You have those memories of him.
Of him laughing and like-- And you didn't...
You're not caught in a kind of like...
broken record,
soundtrack of, like, the last few months of his life.
[Leon] No, because...
[stutters] The lasting... strongest...
image in my head of him was when I saw him when you had brought him home.
Um...
And I kind of wish I hadn’t seen him. But then,
at the same time, I’m glad I did, but...
Then I have so many dreams about-- so many really vivid dreams about him.
I don’t know. Even though I know they weren’t real,
they kind of feel real.
[deep breath]
[Jack whispering] Mate, I can't do this.
[huffs]
-[Jack] Aw, fuck. -Yeah, it's like...
It's like a song I kind of like but I've heard it too much.
I don’t wanna hear it anymore.
It's good for us to hear.
[Gwen] Yeah, they're good thoughts to hear. Exactly.
-It’s nice to hear him remembered... -[Jack] Fuck this, man.
...with this much laughter.
Like the filthy humor. [chuckles]
[Leon] Yeah. The "what ifs" are killing me.
-The "what ifs." -Yeah, but that’s like...
[Gwen] Yeah. Oh, I don't know.
[Leon] I thought I'd kind of put all these feelings to bed.
I just...
I just wanna...
-keep-- -[Gwen] But you are. You have been.
[sniffs]
[wind gusting]
[gentle piano music playing]
[birds screeching]
[Gwen] I don’t remember when we were here last.
[Orlando] I don’t know. Fifteen years ago, probably?
[car door closes]
[Orlando] What’s wrong?
[clears throat]
I don’t feel very good.
Why not?
[sniffs]
I just don’t. I’m tired. I've had enough.
I don’t think this is a...
I don't think this is--
This is a catalyst for something else.
Obviously, I threw this at her.
Even if it was accidental, it’s not...
Like, it’s just sort of like-- Just be more aware of like--
Just be more aware of people, Robin.
[Orlando] Why did you throw it in her face in the first place?
Orlando, don’t have this tone with me.
It's like-- You can’t come in and wade in and be dictatorial.
-Didn’t throw it in her face. -[Orlando] I was just asking.
I threw it at her. I didn’t know she was slouching.
I don’t feel lighter. I don’t feel like I’m exorcising stuff.
I actually just feel like all it’s doing is bringing lots of very painful
and traumatic things back...
[stutters] ...that I can’t now make go away.
[sniffs]
You know, stuff like I've had to spent a long time trying to forget,
and now I’m just like--
It’s not getting any easier.
[gulps]
[Orlando] Like what?
Lots of things.
There’s, like, things that I’m plagued by.
You know, like, images and, like, thoughts.
[sniffs]
And just because we’re talking, it doesn’t--
It’s not really...
It’s not getting less painful or less traumatic.
[Orlando] I don’t-- I mean, I can tell you how I feel on that.
I don’t feel that it’s any less traumatic talking about...
parts of Evelyn’s life and the bad parts.
But it does become a lot easier to talk about him and think about him.
Yeah.
Maybe.
Come on. I’m sorry about that.
I felt instant guilt as soon as I threw it.
Come on. [pats leg]
Have a little dip.
It'll be all right.
[screams]
Woo! Woo!
Woo hoo!
Come on!
Is it good?
It's freezing!
Jump!
-Move out of the way! -Jump! Go!
Jump! Jump!
Woo!
[Orlando laughs]
[Robin whoops]
[melancholic music playing]
[Robin] Woo hoo!
-Here. -Nah!
-[shouting] Stop moving! -[Orlando] Jump!
I hate you both!
-[Orlando] Jump! -All right! Stop it!
Woo!
-Can I go? -Yeah, just go.
[music turns up]
[birds screeching]
[Robin] Orlando, where were you when Evelyn died?
[Orlando] I was in Italy.
[Gwen] Who rang you?
[Orlando] Mom.
[Gwen] Can you remember what she said?
[wind blowing]
Um...
She phoned up and said,
“He’s done it.
He’s killed himself.”
And then she hung up.
How soon did you get back?
I got bundled into a taxi within about half an hour
and went straight to the airport.
[clears throat]
I don’t--
I don't even remember coming home.
I don’t remember seeing any of you guys, but I guess I must’ve got back that night.
-[Robin] Did you come home that evening? -Yeah.
[Robin] I remember that.
I don’t.
There was a Virgil on Peckham Rye.
-Vigil. -Vigil.
-"There was a Virgil." -Whatever.
There was an-- Roman...
-Writer. -Writer.
[Robin] Writing a book.
That would’ve been appropriate because Evelyn loved Virgil.
He loved The Aeneid.
[sighing]
[wind howling]
[melancholic string music playing]
[Robin] I do think, post-walk, that...
just because we’ve sort of opened this discussion
and we’ve talked about it,
it doesn’t mean that...
we’ve, like, dealt with it.
I think, you know,
we should all try and make this a...
like an ongoing discussion
-just amongst ourselves. -[Orlando] Definitely, Robs.
[man] Hello.
What are you guys up to?
We’re um... We're walking.
We’ve been walking for the past month from the far north of Scotland
down back to London in memory of our brother.
Oh, that’s fantastic!
-Talking and-- -With a film crew the whole way?
-Yeah. -Excellent!
Well, we’ve been following them, but...
-Yeah. Well, that’s awesome. -Yeah.
So, how far have you got to go?
-From here straight to London? -This is our-- Tomorrow is our last day.
-Tomorrow’s going to be a fantastic day. -I hope so.
This is a subject we’ve avoided.
He took his own life 13 years ago, and we’ve avoided talking about it...
-[airplane engine roars] -...since then. This is--
We’ve been talking.
-Can I ask, if it's not imprudent? -No. You can ask anything.
Is it a cathartic experience? Has it helped?
[stutters] Well, today’s actually a day--
It’s sort of reflecting on how it's all been
because tomorrow is the end, um, and um...
I don't know. Yes.
For me, enormously.
I did 20 years in the forces,
-and I came out in 2005. -Yeah.
Since that time, I’ve lost three of my friends,
-and they’ve all taken their own lives. -Oh, I’m so sorry.
So, it’s something that-- Goose bumps, and it’s...
Yeah, wow. Well done you for doing this.
I think, for me, it’s just this huge importance of awareness
for people when they’re not well.
This is something we’ve been really aware of,
on our walk down, of talking to people, how many...
people there are who have friends or family who have experience in suicide,
or um... of how much of, like, a pertinent issue.
Tragic. I’m very sorry for your loss, really.
-What’s your name? -Simon. Nice to meet you.
-I’m Orlando, Simon. -Orlando, Nice to meet you.
-Gwennie. -[Simon] Inspirational.
-Vinnie? -Gwennie? Gwendolen.
-Robin. Hi, Simon. -Robin.
-Fantastic. I really enjoyed meeting you. -Thank you.
Good luck for tomorrow.
-Do I have-- -[Orlando] Snot all over your mouth?
Do I have streams down my face?
-You got a little snot mustache. -Do I?
-No. -What about black bits?
No, you're pretty good.
Here's a business card.
You need to give us a ring. Come flying.
Also, I didn't get a hug from you earlier. I got quite upset. I'm sorry about that.
I was a bit upset before we bumped into you, Simon,
-so thank you. [sniffs] -I know.
-It never stops, does it? -No, and I think that's why I was crying.
I never thought about this being cathartic,
but it was just the realization that the pain won’t go away is like...
You know...
It's tough.
I want a hug.
Thank you, Simon.
I don't normally get upset, you know, so...
Good on you guys.
[Gwen] We'll be in touch.
[door closes]
-We'll see you in the sky. -[car engine starts]
-[Simon] Thank you for that. -Thank you.
[Gwen] That was the best hug I’ve had all month. [laughs]
[Robin] He really grips you, doesn't he?
-[Gwen chuckles] He gripped me. -Gave you a little arm grip.
[wind howling]
So, um...
I've got a friend called Laura whose...
one of her best friends took her life.
And um...
and then she sent this the other day
and just said this...
poem really helped her...
at the time.
[sniffs]
“If I were the first of us to die, let grief not blacken on your sky.
Be bold yet modest in your grieving.
There is a change, but not a leaving.
For just as death is part of life,
the dead live on forever in the living.
[voice breaking] And all the gathered riches of our journey...
The moment shared, the mysteries explored...
[sniffs]
The steady layering of intimacy stored.
[gentle piano music playing]
[sniffs]
The things that made us laugh, weep or sing.
The joy of sunlit snow,
or first unfurling of the spring.
The wordless language of look and touch.
The knowing.
Each giving and each taking.
These are not flowers that fade,
nor trees that fall and crumble,
nor are they stone.
For even stone cannot the wind and rain withstand.
And mighty mountain peaks in time reduce to sand.
What we were, we are.
What we had, we have.
A conjoint past imperishably present.
So, when you walk the woods
where once we walked together...
and scan in vain the dappled bank beside you for my shadow,
or pause where we always did upon the hill...
to gaze across the land.
And spotting something, reach by habit, for my hand.
[weeping]
And finding none,
feel sorrow start to steal upon you.
Be still, close your eyes,
breathe, listen for my footfall in your heart.
I’m not gone, but merely walk within you.”
I just can’t fucking read that poem.
Well done. [sniffs] Well done.
[Gwen] We love you.
Well done.
[kisses]
[Gwen] Did she write it?
No. It’s probably some really cheesy poem.
[all laugh]
If you-- What if you googled "poems for funerals" and it's the first hit?
-Probably. -[Gwenn scoffs]
[Gwen] I think it’s beautiful.
[wind howling]
I think I know that if I don’t--
This is the only time I’m ever going to look at this if I’m going to do it.
[exhales]
[opening sheet of paper]
[exhales]
It’s just in bits.
[exhales]
[gulps]
“Dear Mom, Dad, Orlando, Gwendolen and Robin.
It is greatly unfortunate that I didn’t fully appreciate...
the chance available to me at medical school.
It would have been lovely to have been a doctor.”
[train passing by]
[sniffs]
I don’t know what I expected.
I sort of thought it would be more muddled, actually.
It’s actually quite painful that it was...
mostly very coherent.
[sniffs]
[gulps]
I only recognize...
Evelyn as he was at the end of his life.
Just...
full of...
worry and...
anxiousness.
Regret.
I’ve always carried a feeling of regret.
I think if I was honest... [sniffs]
I don’t know, because...
in some ways I feel...
that I couldn’t...
I don't know. I couldn't save the person who was closest to me.
[wind howling]
I think Evelyn’s loss will always be painful,
but maybe now I can let him into my life again.
I really miss him.
Here we are in the kitchen.
[Robin] With a glass of wine.
With a glass of wine raised to you, Lucia, and Tandy, and John.
What are you looking at?
And if you look around the walls, you’ll see that Orlando has painted it.
Look at the ceiling.
It’s dark blue, and Evelyn is--
Orlando is found.
Oh, my God. I'm literally trying to hide from the video.
Get upstairs.
Have you got a new lens?
[Evelyn] No.
-Is that the same lens as before? -[Evelyn] Yeah.
[Harriet] Evelyn, come get ready for bed. What are you doing?
-[Evelyn] Leave it. -[Orlando] I’m just messing with it.
Peace to the world. Evelyn, can I film?
-[Evelyn] No. -Why?
-Say hi to Vick. -Hi, Vick.
Hi, everybody.
-[Harriet talking indistinctly] -[Robin] Ow!
Face!
-[Robin] Evelyn, show yourself. -Hello, Vick and family.
How are you? Merry Christmas to all.
[Robin] Please, Orlando, can I film?
-Can I, please? -[Orlando] No.
[Evelyn] Orlando, I’m good. I filmed you.
Hi, I’m the best actress in the world, by the way. [exhales]
[Orlando] You're not.
Here's me to say we miss you all really badly.
-Even Iyla. -[Robin] Puppy.
[Harriet] Oh, let's show you Tansy.
[Robin] This is our new dog. She's not new, actually.
-No. Come here. -No!
[melancholic string music playing]
[Robin] Evelyn! [laughs]
[music continues]
["Thousand Miles" playing]
♪ So alive when I called ♪
♪ And so away with the dawn ♪
♪ But what was there is no more ♪
♪ So alive when I called ♪
♪ Please give me time ♪
♪ Thousand miles across the seas I'll ride ♪
♪ We'll waltz on glass ♪
♪ Hand in hand this moment ♪
♪ It's our last It's our last ♪
♪ It's our last ♪
♪ Cityscape, bright lights ♪
♪ An empty room lonely and nice ♪
♪ And there's a voice in my head ♪
♪ It pulls my hair, shares my bed ♪
♪ Please give me time ♪
♪ Thousand miles across the seas I'll ride ♪
♪ We'll waltz on glass ♪
♪ Hand in hand this moment ♪
♪ It's our last It's our last ♪
♪ It's our last ♪
[music fades out]