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(WHIMSICAL ACOUSTIC MUSIC)
(STATIC FIZZLES) (WHIMSICAL ACOUSTIC MUSIC)
(CAMERA WHINING)
Well I tell you what, it's been
turned upside down this morning.
Have you looked in Jenny's meeting?
Well I can't because she's in the meeting isn't she
and I want to film her when she comes through the door.
That's all the best stuff.
Good day, guys.
Oh hi mate, we need a camera, a video camera
and we need it pretty much right away.
Yeah, we're having a surprise party like yesterday
so we need to be out of here with a fully charged beauty
and as the man says right away.
Okay, sure, well let's see what we got here.
This is the Palitrace 116E this has full HD...
- Makes a nice sound... - Video recording,
face recognition and 28 millimetre wide angle lens.
That looks like just the ticket my good man,
wrap her up and send her to my tent.
- Excellent. - Hold your horses.
How much is this Palitrace N-A-V ASAP.
- VIP. - RSVP.
- IOU. - This is actually...
- a pretty good deal. - RIP.
- IMF. - 1,580 pounds.
- What? - Oh no no no
that's a good price for you mate,
now we're looking to lower our sights a bit.
We just want a camera.
We don't want to buy Universal Studios.
Yeah, we want to film a party, not a Harry Potter movie.
Yeah, yeah.
And the point is I've already got a camera
but I can't find it and this party is in half an hour,
so we need something good,
you know about a couple hundred quid.
Right okay, um, let's see what we got here, um.
All these are a bit out of your budget.
Yeah, this might do actually.
100 now, so this has interchangeable lens
with intelligent zoom and the new hybrid
OIS operating system.
It's two Vs though, that's not good.
Ah, no we wanted two Vs, we need at least three Vs.
Three Vs, three Vs on a TV.
Yeah, definitely three Vs.
What do you think, yeah?
- Any good? - How much, how much?
This is actually a really good price, this...
- How do I look? - You look great.
- Great. - So, I like this guy,
how do we this?
Do me the deal.
Yeah, well I'll tell you what, you guys are in a hurry.
How about I give you this, 300 right now, no questions.
No no no I said about 200.
All right, it does work properly.
Final offer, 249.
- Yes. - 249.
- So how do we do it? - How do we do it?
I'll go and enter some numbers in the computer.
- Right. - Okay, I'll be back
with the paperwork, 249, are we happy with 249?
- 249, yeah, shake on that. - 249.
- Well done. - You are the 249 man.
Thank you very much.
Okay, that's great, see the price.
What's that what are you doing with that?
Nothing.
Did you find that on display?
Because that shouldn't be on display.
Yeah, I know.
Well, you can't sell that.
Mr. Talbet sent them back.
They're part of the heat damaged batch.
Shut up Nathan, I've got two guys over there
who's gonna pay cash for this.
Mr. Talbet's obviously missed this one.
But you can't, it's one of the heat damaged batch,
hence heat damaged, so you can't sell it.
Listen I've got two guys paying cash for this.
Counting on them not knowing what heat damaged means.
All right.
(CAMERA SCRAPES)
Here we are gents, got that camera.
Oh yeah.
And that
- for you. - Nice doing business
- with you gents. - How you doing?
I meant yes yes we got the camera
and we're on way back now.
Oh, did you hear that thing about the film titles?
- What's that? - All right, name a film title
that best describes your last dump.
- How do you mean? - Okay, well look the last
- dump I took was Deep Impact. - Oh yeah (LAUGHS).
Oh I get it how about Sliders?
- Sliders. - Too slow.
Slash Clash of the Titans.
- True Grit. - Ah, True Grit.
- Brokeback Mountain. - Ah, I like the cowboy thing.
(LAUGHS) So listen Jenny has got no idea
- about any of this. - No idea.
- So life is good. - Yeah, life is really good.
Yeah, cheers, thanks.
I've got this great deal at work,
me and Jenny we're getting along really well
and I finally cleared up this thyroid problem.
Ah yeah, what was that?
- I grew breasts. - What?
Yeah, it's true, all of a sudden Mikey well I'm sporting
these lovely lady lumps.
- You're fucking kidding me. - I wish I was.
Well first minute I had a bit of cold
and then bosh bosh I got these fun bags.
- That is insane. - Would I lie to you?
- You had tits? - Yes I did, yeah yeah.
I had tits, they're starting to go away a bit now,
but a couple of months ago
I was thinking of doing a calendar.
Mmm.
Can I touch it or something?
Fuck off, here we are lad.
So what did you get Jenny for her birthday?
- Now that is a surprise. - Yeah, but not for me.
Well make sure you get the camera.
You wait and see my friend.
- On Golden Pond. - Like what you did there
- the pond. - Catch Me If You Can.
- The Line of Fire. - I like it.
- Chicken Run. - Yeah, As Good as It Gets.
- Honey, I've Shrunk the Kids. - Death Trap.
- Beetlejuice. - Big Momma's House.
- Mr. Bean. (LAUGHS) - Mr. Bean?
MIKE: Yeah, a little one, yeah you know.
- All right. - Yeah.
MIKE: Right, so give me the camera
if you don't mind mate, thanks.
Because I'm gonna try and film it right from the word go.
- So I think... - Howdy.
MIKE: I can see you, yes, that's fine.
Oh, there's me, look.
- Hello boss. - Hello mate.
Hello everyone, hello!
CROWD: Hey.
Sorry I'm late, a camera crisis is averted,
so look there, ooh look where's the zoom?
Oh, there it is.
Look at the presents on the table
and there are the flowers.
Hello, hello, hello.
- Hiya boss. - Hi.
Do you want me to hold that?
MIKE: Yeah, Nick, you sort that out up there, there,
right there you go mate.
Okay, got it.
Okay, is the caterer here?
NICK: She's setting up all good.
We're all ready to go.
Right, ladies, look the film some of my friends.
- Hi. - This is so exciting.
So exciting, we haven't been together for ages.
It's gonna be great, Jenny's gonna love this.
Ladies and gentleman, could I have your attention please?
Attention please, ladies and gentleman.
I'd just like to say a few words before everything starts.
Thank you so much all for coming, this is gonna be great.
Jenny's gonna get a real quick out of this,
or I'm gonna get a kick out of her
and so this is my PA Nick and he's the cameraman
- at the moment. - Hello.
We'll all get a go later, so say nice things
into the camera for Jenny for her birthday,
that'll be really good.
Has everyone got a drink, everyone got a drink?
- Yes. - No.
- Yes? - My friend hasn't actually.
- Oh, well who... - Ah.
- What's your name? - Samantha.
NICK: Samantha, I'll take one of those.
Samantha, can you make sure everyone's got
a glass of champagne?
Thank you very much Samantha.
- Uh boss? - What's the matter?
NICK: I think there might be a problem with this camera.
- What? - Yeah, it's stuck
- on the floor, it won't. - Oh, let me have a look.
There, it won't turn off.
John, John can you help us?
Just make sure it's running John, is it running?
- It's recording. - Is it?
JOHN: It's recording look there nothing wrong with it.
- Is it fine? - It's stuck on record though.
It doesn't matter, sorry ladies and gentleman,
ladies and gentleman once again hold up.
I'm afraid that the camera I've just gone
and spent 200 pounds on is a lemon,
so it's stuck on record, sorry mom,
it's stuck on record so just say nice things
all of the time and get charge your glasses
and happy birthday Jenny!
CROWD: To Jenny, hey!
Right, right, now you're gonna have to be quiet,
because I'm gonna call her,
so I don't want to let her know that you're all here.
I'll put on speaker phone, hold on.
You see. (GIRL LAUGHS)
Rosalind, could you be quiet love please?
Oh sorry Mike, it was just...
Shh. (GIRL WHISPERS)
- (PHONE RINGS) - Watch your mouth.
Watch your mouth, my mum's there.
- Hello. - Hello darling,
how are you sweetheart on this day of days?
JENNY: Oh, I'm good, I'm just driving home.
Oh great, um, um now the thing is,
I don't feel very well, I feel a bit flu-y.
I thought I'd just have a bath.
(GUESTS LAUGHING)
- What was that? - Um, nothing,
I've got the telly on in the background,
I'll turn it down, I'm turning it down, right.
Yeah, I feel really really rubbish at the moment,
I thought I'd just have a nice sprint in the bath
and maybe we can home and give me a neck rub?
And then we can watch some football, some footie.
JENNY: Wait, are you serious?
Are we not going out tonight?
Oh, I know it's your birthday, and I did book a table,
but I'm afraid I feel really rubbish.
I feel crap, sorry.
JENNY: Mike, you've gotta be kidding me.
Oh and can you bring some milk home?
- (GUESTS LAUGHING) - Could you could you
I mean seriously you want me to stop for milk?
Could you stop for some milk, yeah that would be lovely?
So what are you about five minutes away?
JENNY: Yeah, that's, yeah, like five, 10 minutes.
Thank you darling, I'll be in the bath.
I'll see you later, love you, bye, happy birthday, bye.
- Of course. - She's sunk.
- (GUESTS LAUGHING) - That was hilarious.
- (GUESTS TALKING) - Well done Mikey.
- Well done. - Helen, that milk
- thing was genius. - John does that to me
- and I hate it. - Does he?
Nick, Nick Nick Nick, yes, we're gonna go to,
Helen Charmaine's here, come and meet her,
she's in the kitchen, yeah, goodbye.
Into the kitchen we go!
Bonjour Charmaine!
Oh Bonjour Monsieur Michael,
it is good to see you once again.
And you merci beaucoup.
This is the wonderful Charmaine.
She did John and Helen's weddings.
- Charmaine. - Oh, it is Helen.
(WOMEN MAKE KISSING NOISES)
Her food's unbelievable.
Oh, it's so lovely to see you.
Oh, this woman's vol-au-vents on a plate
are the toast of the (SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE).
Oh, it is not rocket science madam.
This is my au pairs, Tim and Samantha.
We've met Samantha, hi Tim.
Mike, I've just been told a car's pulled up outside.
Thanks Andy, Nick come through with us.
NICK: Yes sir.
All right, at your stations everybody.
Car's arriving, so here we go Jenny's here.
Jim, come with me down here.
Hide love, hide, Alan.
- Yes get down. - And girls.
- Hide there mate. - Hide.
- Jenny's coming. - Yes I know, marvellous.
- Happy birthday Jenny! - Yeah, we've done the
we've done the toast, now it's the surprise bit
- so we hide. - I'm not sure
what you're saying here.
- I'm a little scared. - Don't be scared Alan,
we're gonna turn the lights out, we'll all hide,
she'll come in, we'll surprise her and it'll be...
- Oh fine. - Okay, so right.
That's it.
Not that's not gonna work that cushion,
can you just get up and hide?
Thank you so much.
Okay, please turn the lights out turn the lights out,
pretend I'm upstairs in the bath.
Okay, all right, have fun everyone. (LAUGHS)
(PEOPLE WHISPERING)
(DOOR BELL RINGS)
Andy will you get the door?
Sure.
(PEOPLE LAUGHING) (PEOPLE WHISPERING)
- Shh. - It's Mark and Clarissa.
(PEOPLE GROANING)
I'm sorry everyone I hope we didn't spoil anything.
- (PEOPLE GROANING) - Mark make way
- make way as usual. - Well I'm not
going all the way, oh wow, and you people are genuine?
CROWD: Yes.
She is going to love this.
Everyone hide.
Sorry Mike, they're picking up the bloody road again mate.
We didn't even move for 15 minutes.
CLARISSA: I told him to take the bypass.
No, you said you shouldn't take it.
If I had driven, I would have taken the bypass.
Water mine, they dug it two weeks ago you know.
- Dad. - There should be a way
that when they dig up the water mine
they should actually get the gas people involved.
Dad, could we just hide?
I was just saying because Mark was.
Yeah, but Jenny's on her way, surprise hide.
- Gotcha, gotcha. - Yeah, all right.
Mark, now you're gonna be the cameraman,
punishment for being late.
- Oh not me. - Yes.
We won't be late next time.
Yeah, well you were late too.
Why don't you take the camera?
Because Mike asked you and because I don't want to.
Unh, God, all right then, but not all night.
Unh.
Ah Clarissa you look beautiful tonight.
Thank you, how's that shoulder thing?
Oh, it's fine thank you, you are amazing, thanks.
- Good. - She's here, she's here.
- Oh. - She's just pulling up.
Okay, Mark make sure you film everything
in top quality action with lots of sound and lighting.
- Yeah, I'll do my best. - Right.
Okay everybody shush.
Oh, I wonder where Alan is he's completely disappeared.
(GUESTS LAUGHING)
Alan hide.
- I am. - No, but Alan,
just because you can't see us
doesn't mean we can't see you.
- I can see you. - But we don't need
to see you.
Then why did you invite me then?
I'm beginning to wonder.
Could you just hide properly somewhere?
Mike, it's my knees, I've got done behind the sofa
when Mark and Clarissa came...
Yes, but this is not a surprise for Mark and Clarissa,
it's a surprise for Jenny who's outside the door.
Fine, fine, whatever.
Thank you right, okay lights off everybody.
- Shh, lights off, quiet. - Stay quiet.
Quiet, quiet, quiet.
Lights off.
(GUESTS TALKING)
- Okay. - Hello.
- Shh. - Mike?
I'm angry just so you know and also for not going out
tonight I will be expecting some mad sexual relations.
(GUESTS LAUGHING)
Shh!
All I'm saying, Mike, what the hell
- are you doing down there? - Surprise!
(GUESTS LAUGHING) (GUESTS CHEERING)
Oh my God, what are you doing here?
You surprised me!
Oh my God, you guys, it's been so long.
- It's been so long. - Woo!
- Mike! - Happy birthday!
- My God! - I mean I could
- be in the bath. - Oh my God, shut up!
We could be watching some footie!
Oh my God, I was gonna kill you, that milk thing,
- but I got it. - Well that was Helen's idea.
Oh Helen, oh my gosh, I was this close
to pouring it over you I decided,
but I went against it, because now you did this.
Thank you Samantha, Samantha, Samantha,
- I've got another surprise. - Another surprise.
Here we go. (GUESTS SHOUTING)
Oh, there you go, my queen,
unless you prefer some milk.
(GUESTS LAUGHING)
No use crying over spilled milk. (LAUGHS)
(GUESTS LAUGHING)
Give us to her, there.
Hey Jenny, you know we were all listening
on the phone when you were talking to Mike?
- No you weren't. - Yes we were.
- Yes. - Yeah.
You're kidding, oh my God, what if I said
something about Ros, not that I would.
I know you never would and you two have been
so great to me and Mike you know I'm gonna make
the best office manager you ever had.
Well, we'll see, we'll see.
Your face when you came in, we got you good.
I thought it was so, you did I was angry
and you're lucky because I thought I was coming
home to you in a bath with crappy food.
- Ah. - Hey you guys.
Oh Jenny darling, here you are my love.
- Ooh, you... - No mom mom mom,
we're gonna do presents later.
I've worked it all out on a timetable.
Later, no later please.
Okay, okay, well then I'm just gonna go.
What do you mean you're gonna go?
No, I'm just everybody's dressed up
and looks so nice, I'm just gonna go upstairs
and change I'll be right back in five.
You look beautiful the way you are, come on.
- Oh Jenny. - It's easy for you
to say when you're in a fancy dress.
Don't be long, don't be long.
I won't, I'll be right back, thanks you guys.
She's taking the milk, she's got it.
What is she Cleopatra?
It did go well didn't it?
- Thanks dad. - She really did look
surprised, didn't she?
She did, I can relax.
Mark, Mark, stop filming me, film someone else.
She sees me all day every day.
MARK: Okay, fair enough, how long's my stint
- on the camera? - Just keep filming
a few stories and pass it on.
- Okie dokie. - Clarissa, Clarissa
come and meet my mom and dad.
(GUESTS TALKING)
Clarissa.
MARK: Hello, is that you down there Alan?
- Oh, is she here? - Yeah, she's already got here
and she's gonna get changed.
Oh, do you think you can tell her when she gets back.
MARK: Yeah, okay mate, oh I think he's fucked.
- All right, ladies. - Hi come.
MARK: Ladies, time for some fun words about Jenny.
Okay, it's lovely to see you Jenny.
So lovely and you look very beautiful as usual.
- No, come on... - So beautiful.
Something funny, come on, we're gonna watch this later.
Oh.
I know, okay, okay the time that we went camping
and we were all so so drunk.
We decided to go skinny dipping and we take off our clothes.
MARK: Yes, this is exactly it, keep going, keep going.
We take off our clothes.
She's sitting in the bushes naked.
Totally slipped over.
Poison ivy that she fell in.
- So her hoo ha - Hoo hee.
She's like come on down, get me some minge there.
What's a hoo ha?
You have to excuse our friend.
She fell on her head when she was a baby.
Yeah, she did twice a day for four years.
Ah, stop it, I saw you doing this movement
with your hands okay and now I know that a hoo ha
is a vagina and by the way a ball doesn't drop on my head,
I just never heard that word before.
Cheers darling, you're my very best friend.
Cheers darling, have a wonderful birthday you deserve it.
- Bubbly. - Right, well done, excellent.
- Hoo ha. - Hoo ha.
- Excellent, excellent. - Love you.
MARK: Right, who have we got here?
Ah, Enemy at the Gates.
Enemy at the Gates.
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
Yeah, Grease.
West Side Story.
Seven Brides for Seven Brothers.
Nah, that doesn't work.
MARK: Come on, break it up.
I need some stories about birthday girl.
Jenny, happy birthday darling.
Happy birthday darling, couldn't have happened
- to a nicer girl. - Happy birthday Jenny.
Mark, come here.
Yes, right now I've spent many a happy evening
with Mike and Jenny when Jenny looked amazing,
- 11-inch heel... - Yeah, unbelievably gorgeous.
Straight into a stained glass window. (LAUGHS)
Yeah, it was terrible.
Ass over tit staggering all over the place
- like a baby gazelle... - Yeah John, John
that's really amusing, but you think it's suitable
- for a birthday memory? - Yeah, because
it's really amusing, that's right, it's very funny.
- It's a funny story for... - Well, it's not really
- funny isn't it? - It is very funny.
Toilet rolls stuck up her nose,
blood stains all down the front of her dress.
She didn't give a bollocks.
The only girl I know who's got bigger balls than me,
look at that. (GUESTS LAUGHING)
I think she's wonderful.
I think you're wonderful Jenny.
When she's around, Mike's on cloud nine.
She makes Mike very happy and that's good enough for me.
GUESTS: Ah.
So happy birthday Jenny, Every Which Way But Loose.
(GUESTS LAUGHING)
MARK: Carry on with the tag lines.
Fresh meat over here.
Ah, Anna here, action as they say.
- Ooh, very good. - Hello, we're here, take one.
We don't want to do any bloopers or maybe we should.
Sometimes the bloopers are the funniest
part of the movie, aren't they?
Say something nice to the camera.
Well, from us to you Jenny, happy birthday.
That was lovely, happy birthday, she's a lovely girl,
- isn't she? - She is.
You're a lovely girl, Jenny and I must say
it's very nice to meet a young girl with such good manners.
- It makes a change. - And very pretty too.
- It does make a change. - It does make a change.
But really I think we're very glad that she makes
our Michael so happy, aren't we?
Thank you Jenny, we're really pleased
that you make your Mike so happy.
- Happy birthday my love. - Happy birthday.
- Is that okay? - Is that all right?
Or do you want a take two?
Or can we go back to our trailer now? (LAUGHS)
MARK: Yeah, I think we got safely in the can.
- All right, okay. - Right, everyone hello.
- Yes? - Yes?
MARK: I've done my fair share of filming,
- who's taking over? - Mark, she's coming
down the stairs, make sure you film her
coming down the stairs, oh my goodness does she look lovely.
(GUESTS CHEERING AND HOLLERING)
- Wow. - Surprise!
(GUESTS LAUGHING)
Alan, the surprise was about half an hour ago.
- She's... - Oh, happy birthday Jenny.
MARK: Hey Jenny, give us a twirl birthday girl.
- Go on, twirl girl. - If you say so.
- Woo! - Hubba hubba.
All right, less of the hubba hubba.
All right, share your thoughts.
She's not the one meant to be telling the stories,
because it's her birthday.
- Yes, it's her birthday. - We're supposed
- to tell the stories. - Present, present time.
Mom, dad, which one's your present?
MOM: I've popped it on the top there, right there.
- Mmm. - Ooh, I like the
- nice box. - Nice box.
- Oh. - Ah, here we go.
Oh my gosh.
(GASPS) Oh my gosh Anna, thank you.
- Thank you so much. - It's beautiful.
It was my mothers and she passed it on to me
before she died and well I thought you might
get some use out of it and it was just lying there
- gathering dust, wasn't it? - Yeah.
Oh my gosh, no I'm so overwhelmed.
- Thank you guys so much. - Thank you so much.
- Oh. - It's a pleasure,
- you enjoy it my love. - Thank you, I'll be
- putting that on later. - Oh, I'll be taking it off.
- Ah ha ha. - Michael.
- Sorry mother. - That was embarrassing.
- Yeah. - What's next? (LAUGHS)
- Let's do red envelope. - Oh, this one?
- That's it. - That's from me.
- Thank you John and Helen. - It says tickets.
International flight tickets, oh my God, did you know?
- No. - My God, tickets
to New York, first class tickets.
- Wow. - For four days.
- Oh my gosh you guys. - And there's tickets
- for the... - Madam Butterfly.
- Madam Butterfly at the Met. - Oh my gosh, it's profane.
One night only, the 23rd, tickets.
- Oh my gosh. - We'll hold the fort,
you two just go and have a bloody good time, all right.
- Don't think about it. - You deserve it.
- Oh no no no no.
- Stop it. - March the 23rd,
- John I can't. - Shut up, don't you dare
- bail this time. - I'm having a bath.
(GUESTS LAUGHING)
- Very funny. - He got me.
I thought of you and what you'd say and I said it.
We're going, don't worry.
- John, it's my birthday. - Crazy.
- Yeah. - This one in the middle.
- From the girls. - From us.
- Wow. - Actually, it's from me
because I'm your best friend and those girls
- just signed it. - Oh I know,
- of course sweetie. - Oh now just stop.
- That's not funny any more. - No it's not.
(LAUGHS) You did it before, stop.
- Tiff tiff. - Yes, all of us.
- Okay, can I open it? - Yes.
- Open it. - You've been framed.
- Oh my gosh. - You've been framed.
- Oh my God, oh My God. - You have been framed.
- That's lovely.
- Oh my God, it's my school. - Yeah.
Oh my God, we were so young.
Old friends together, let me just spring over here
- and it's wrapped. - Thank you Damien.
DAMIEN: What do I give the girl who has everything?
- Socks. - Socks.
- This is true. - Socks, that's what you got?
- Socks? - Yeah.
Oh, who is this big baby from?
- I'll take that. - Guilty as charged.
- Thank you Alan. - Ah, yes.
- It's giant. - It's huge.
- What is it? - I don't know.
- Open it. - It's mine.
MARK: Could one of you just take the camera for a bit?
No not me, I'm so bad at camera don't give it to me.
Sofia is good at camera.
No no no I am really bad on camera.
What make you think that I'm good on camera?
No no no, I'm sorry.
- Bloody toilet. - Alan, this is fabulous.
- Thank you. - What what what what?
- I need the bloody toilet. - Well just go you big
- girl's blouse. - Yeah and what am I
- gonna do with the camera? - Well give it to
- someone else, for God's sakes. - Clarissa.
Clarissa, hey come here a minute.
JENNY: We can open it now?
- I'll open it now. - Sorry toast.
MARK: Darling, can you take the camera just for
a couple of minutes, I really need to pee.
I hate being the one doing the camera.
You never get to see what goes on.
It's like you're not really there,
like it's just a TV show.
MARK: Just for two minutes, I'm dying for a pee.
Why did you say hubba hubba to Jenny
when she walked in a red dress?
MARK: What, can you just take the camera please?
- No, I don't want to. - Oh, for fuck's sake.
I'm not doing this all bloody night.
I'm not doing this all fucking night.
Fucking cow, no I don't want to.
Fuck me.
- (KNOCKS ON DOOR) - Mark are you in there?
I'm having a pee, I'll be out in a minute.
- (URINE TRICKLING) - What are you doing?
I just said, I'm having a pee, I'm mid-flow.
CLARISSA: Did you bring Jenny's gift from us?
I didn't bring it in, I was driving.
It was on your lap, remember?
CLARISSA: You think it's still in the car?
Well, if you didn't bring it in
and I didn't bring it in, then there's a pretty good chance
that yeah, it's still in the car where you left it.
- (URINE TRICKLING) - Could you bring it in
- from the car? - And you can't go
- and get it because darling? - I'm talking to Jenny
and trying to enjoy the party like I want to.
Oh, I see and I'm not trying to enjoy the party,
obviously, I'm trying to have a shit fucking time,
so I'll be delighted to go and get the gift
that you left in the fucking car
that you don't fucking want to get.
- (KNOCKS ON DOOR) - I know you are saying
mean things, can you get the gift?
Okay, I'll go and get it in a second.
- (URINE TRICKLING) - Can you get it now?
Now, of course now, I have piss running
down my fucking legs, but that's all fine,
because you want Jenny's fucking gift.
- (KNOCKS ON DOOR) - Mark!
Which you forgot was on your own fucking lap.
- Mark! - Coming honey.
(TOILET FLUSHES)
(WATER SPRINKLES)
(SIGHS)
For fuck's sake.
(GUESTS TALKING)
(DOOR CREAKS)
(GUESTS TALKING)
(SNIFFS)
(DOOR CREAKS OPEN)
(COUPLE MOANING)
Fuck, I've been dying to do that.
- Me too. - Why didn't you tell
- me about this? - Well, oh the surprise?
- Mm-hmm. - Because it's a surprise.
- Mm-hmm. - It's nice for you
- to have a surprise party. - I know, but Damien socks?
Oh, don't mention it babe, don't mention it.
- (LAUGHS) Shut up. - Don't mention it.
You want something soft.
No I want something big and real.
I'll give you something big and real.
- Mmm. - Something very big.
- Mmm. - Very, very real.
(LAUGHS)
(KNOCKS ON DOOR)
MIKE: Sorry, Jenny are you in there?
- Yeah, just be a sec. - I just want to know
- is the camera in there? - Um, yeah it's in here.
MIKE: Oh could you pass it out please?
Yeah.
MIKE: Sorry to disturb you, I know...
- Oh hello. - Hi.
- Thanks. - You do know
you're missing you're own party?
Yeah, I know, it'll just be a sec.
Okay, right, see you bye.
Let's take a little wander through here.
Ooh, hello, hello everyone.
- Hey. - Hey.
- Woo. - Hey happy birthday Jenny.
- Yes. - Happy birthday boss.
MIKE: No, it's Jenny's birthday Nick.
Yeah, that's right, happy birthday Jenny.
MIKE: Yep, right okay, spill your drink why not?
Look at that, that is red velvet under there,
that is Jenny's favourite, oh dad dad,
do some filming, go on.
I don't know if I'm very good at this sort of thing.
- Oh, it's all right. - Oh go on.
Have a go Peter, it's not that difficult.
- How does it work then? - They're modern cameras,
you just point them and shoot.
It'll be fine, have a go, go on.
- You all right mom? - Yes of course,
- why wouldn't I be? - Well, it's lovely
- what you just did. - Ah, what?
Well you know you gave Jenny granny's necklace.
Oh well she's gonna be one of the family, isn't she?
Yeah, that's right.
So what do you think of Charmaine's lovely cake.
MOM: I'm very interested to know if it tastes
- as good as it looks. - Oh, right, okay.
But mom, you like Jenny, don't you?
Oh, of course I do, do you think
I'd give her my favourite necklace if I didn't like her?
Well, so here we are the cake is in lovely
vivid red and white, for those who are watching
at home in black and white, the pink is next to the brain.
- (LAUGHS) - Is that David Corman?
- No. - No, it's Ted Lowe dad.
- Oh yes. - Snoopdar.
- Keep up, Peter, keep up. - Take the camera through
and then we're gonna open some more presies.
All right, where is the birthday girl?
There she is, let's go through some of the
opening these presents.
Sorry ladies, can we just have the sofa...
- Of course. - For two seconds
to open the presies?
Thank you, now this is an obvious champagne-colored present.
Who is this form?
Oh, that one's from me, Mike.
Oh, Andy excellent thank you.
Pete, I think you've done your stint now, let's swap.
- Yeah, yeah? - You've excelled yourself.
- Don't mind if I do. - So thank you.
Good good good good.
- What is it? - Oh.
Ooh, it's a wine bottle opener.
It's an electric wine bottle opener.
Thank you Andy, that's lovely.
CLARISSA: Here girl, you know this one.
Oh, thank you Clarissa, did you,
- did you want to wait for Mark? - No, it's okay.
(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
- It's from us? - Yes, I left it
- on the table ages ago. - So I didn't need
- to go to the car. - I just told you
I left it on the table ages ago.
MARK: I was out there getting the present
and Jenny's opened it without me?
- Stop making a fuss. - Well you could have
- just waited for me. - She didn't want to.
(GUESTS TALKING)
(CHANGE CLINKING) (FOOTSTEPS ECHOING)
Come on, come on, come on, come on,
Jesus what is the matter with this thing?
(GASPS)
- Hey. - Hey.
- Is it gone? - Nah, it's impossible
it's as if it's been fused shut and melted.
None of the fucking buttons work
and I can't get this fucking flap to open.
Okay, how did this happen?
- Fucking Scottish tosser. - What?
The Scottish guy at the camera place,
he slipped us this camera for a couple hundred quid,
asshole sold us a piece of shit.
Oh God, okay, well I am not going to be covering it up
next to Mike on the couch watching you and I going at it
in the bathroom, so fix it.
Okay, okay, but you're happy cuddling up with Mike
- watching other things? - What the hell is
- that supposed to mean? - You know exactly
what it means.
At the end of tonight, I go home alone.
You and Mike as usual cuddling in on this fucking bed.
Okay, Damien, calm down.
We need to worry about this camera situation first, okay,
just everybody's downstairs at the party,
Mike's wondering where I am, where we are.
This looks weird, we'll just stash it somewhere in here,
- come back, deal with it later. - Yeah, yeah, fine.
If anybody asks we saw Mark with it last.
- Mark, right, Mark. - Just give it to me.
This is ridiculous, totally ridiculous,
Jesus I hate surprise parties.
Look, I'll go downstairs first, you wait 20, then come down.
(FOOTSTEPS CREAKING)
Only me, just need a pee.
(HUMMING)
Oh.
(WHISTLING)
Oh.
What have we here?
Holiday snaps, nice.
Jenny in a bikini, very nice, ho ho ho.
Oh, um let's just close the door and...
(BREATHES HEAVILY)
- (KNOCKS ON DOOR) - Who's in there?
- It's Nick. - Well what are you
doing up here this is our own suite?
Nothing, I'm not whack, wasn't doing anything really.
The toilet was busy down there, so I came up here,
I'm sorry boss I'll be right out.
- Is the camera in there? - The camera?
No.
Yes.
The camera is in here pointing right at me actually.
- Can you pass it out please? - Yeah, sure, I'll pass
the camera right out now.
- And wash your hands first. - Yes boss.
Sorry boss.
Oh fuck, shit.
Fucking shit.
(WATER TRINKLING)
What the fuck am I gonna do?
Fuck.
Jesus.
(OBJECTS RATTLING)
Nick, why do you think this is the second time
I've had to retrieve this camera from a bathroom?
- I dunno, boss, beats me. - Well, I don't want
to see you up here again, this is private.
Now I don't care if your bladder is about to burst.
You stay downstairs, right?
Oh, if I find out you've done a number two in there,
you can kiss your Christmas bonus goodbye and give me that.
I didn't do a number two, it was a number one.
Jeesh, look, I won't do it again.
I mean I will do it again, but I won't do it
- in your own suite. - Too much information.
- Thank you, oh Rosalind. - Yeah?
- It's your turn. - Oh no no.
- I won't be very good. - Yes yes yes.
Take the camera and point it at people.
Now please don't leave it in the bathroom.
- Right. - Good luck.
Thanks.
Okay then, so this is the hallway
and oh this is my favourite picture of the two of you,
you both look so in love and beautiful.
Rosalind I think you'll find that if you
turn the camera, right around like that
and now you're recording.
- Oh. - Okay?
- Yes. - All right.
- Thanks. - No problem.
ROSALIND: Now we're headed to the living room
and this is where everybody is
and oh here's Mike's mom and dad, say hello.
- Hello. - Hello.
We've done our bit, but we can go again.
Take two.
ROSALIND: Oh no no no, that's all right.
- Okay, anyways. - Happy to oblige.
- Have one of those. - There's my inseparable,
go and have a word with her, see if she's
got a little birthday message for our Jenny.
- The table the whole time. - And?
And you sent me to the car and then opened
the gift while I wasn't there.
- And? - And you don't think
- that deserves an apology? - Why would I apologise
- to you? - Right, I just want
an apology and I want one now.
No, I don't want to.
You can fucking apologise or...
Or what?
Or I'll tell Mike the reason he grew tits last year
was because you prescribed pathosolimene
instead of bethasolibede.
I get confused.
You're a fucking doctor.
They sound the same to me.
Look it wasn't a big deal, Mike didn't even complain.
He was probably too busy looking for a decent bra
to cope with his ever-growing fucking tits.
Look Mark, I'm really tired.
Can we please go home and go to bed and be friends again?
No, I don't want to.
ROSALIND: Oh, uh uh, birthday messages for Jenny?
Tell you what, I'll come back in a bit.
So yeah, back to the living room
and let's find oh Jenny, say hello Jenny.
What the hell is that camera doing in here?
ROSALIND: Oh Mike asked me.
Damien, Damien's good on camera.
- Excuse me. - Oh no no, it's fine.
I'm enjoying myself.
I have a little tale to tell if now's the right time.
- Oh no, it's not really. - As you, oh please don't.
As you know I have known Mike, Jenny for about three years.
- Excellent, good story. - Mike, excuse me,
Mike was particularly interested in a rather stunning
splatter piece by Gambol Porter,
very taxing upon him and he brought Jenny along
to view the piece, yes and do you know what she said?
No, I don't, I'm sure it was really funny.
- Easy, easy. - Good one, good one.
Yes, yes, what she said was she turned to Mike
she turned to Mike and she said serious face, mind you,
Mike why don't I fix you a beef in the loo
and you can blast out your very own in the morning?
(ROSALIND LAUGHS) That's when I knew
she was a keeper you see because
Gambol Porter's paintings are shit.
(LAUGHS) Happy birthday Jenny.
- Vol-au-vent? - Oh, don't mind if I do.
Yeah, good one, Alan, good one.
Well done, Rosalind, I think let the expert take over now.
You know you've done your bit.
Oh, I was enjoying that.
Excuse me, everyone could I have your attention please
for just one last time, thank you.
I'm ready for my closeup Mr. Deville.
- How's that, how's that? - Just do a closeup on me.
Okay, right, everybody well obviously,
it's a special day for my beloved, happy birthday.
We've been together for four years now, is that right?
And I have to say they are
the happiest four years of my life.
- (GUESTS COOING) - Changed him, changed him.
And I thought I was okay, but the business I thought
was doing really well, wasn't it John?
Right, you bloody lucky when you fell in with me,
didn't you boy? (GUESTS LAUGHING)
I mean I'm the brains of the operation,
as well as the good looking one.
Thanks John, thanks John, Jenny will you just
- come and sit down here? - Yeah.
Before I met you, I just felt that something
was missing from my life and then I realised it was you,
so I'd just like to say thank you for sharing my life.
- Happy birthday again and... - Ooh.
- Oh look. - Will you marry me?
Oh, I don't know what to say.
Well most guys are hoping for a yes right about now.
- Yes Mike, yes. - Oh wonderful.
- (GUESTS CLAPPING) - Love you so much.
Me too. (GUESTS TALKING)
- Wow. - Oh yes.
- Hold this for me. - Oh, okay.
- I don't really. - Let's just say
a few words to the happy couple.
Guys, if you could just raise your glasses,
yeah and I'd just like to say cheers.
- Cheers. - Cheers.
And I hope you will be very happy!
- Yay! - Woo!
- Yay! - No no, Damien, Damien.
No no no, you can't leave me with this,
- I don't know how to... - Yeah, thanks for coming.
- He's leaving. - Bye.
- Oh Jenny. - That's so nice.
- Bloody marvellous. - Good for you.
All right everyone, let's get these glasses
filled and raised, hip hip.
- Hooray! - Hip hip.
Hooray! (JENNY LAUGHS)
♪ For they are jolly good fellows ♪
♪ And so say all of us ♪
Hey Bianca, when did you start filming?
- Oh, just before the song. - Okay, get me, get me right.
Well done you two, you make such a wonderful couple.
- Congratulations. - Congratulations.
BIANCA: Yeah, Grace, can you just take this for a second?
I think I've got something on my shoe.
- Give you that, give you that. - Oh okay.
I don't know what to do with these things.
- Bianca. - Got you sucker.
GRACE: No, you can't leave me here with this.
I have no idea what to do with this thing,
no idea at all, I think what I'm probably gonna do
is just put you down over there, oh.
Please don't be angry with me, congratulations guys, bye.
- Cheers, congratulations. - Congratulations.
Thank you very much, love.
- Well? - What?
We've got ourselves a daughter.
I know.
Do you think they're gonna be
thinking about having children?
We'll find out soon enough.
You see it makes me wonder if we did the right thing.
Why are you thinking about that right now?
Because if they have children, they're not gonna
look anything like us.
Grandkids never look like their grandparents anyway.
Well that's not true.
What about your brother and his heirs?
Those poor kids.
Look, he's not gonna know that.
He's our son.
He may not be our flesh and blood,
but he is our son and that's the truth of it.
Deciding to bring him up as our own
was the right thing to do.
I know, you're right, you're right,
it's just Peter I wanted to be there at the wedding.
- Shh shh. - To be there with you
- and him before. - Shh.
You will be there, you will.
Yes, but he's gonna know that there's something wrong.
- Shh, shh. - He's been pressing
to me in fixing a date before it's too soon.
Stop it, look at him.
He can't wait to marry her.
I could get him to set a date for tomorrow.
He wouldn't suspect a thing.
He's not going to know.
Yes, but maybe he should know.
I mean I'm not sure that we did the right thing
in keeping the truth from him.
Is he gonna know the truth of losing you?
Then he'll know the truth.
Tell the truth, tell it slanted,
success in circuit rhymes,
too bright for our own firm tonight,
the truth superb surprise.
As lightning to the children eased
with an explanation kind the truth must dazzle gradually
or every man it bind.
Come on, come on.
(GUESTS TALKING)
Oh bugger!
Oh God!
- Hey you guys. - Hey.
How is everything?
- Fine, how are you? - Fine, well done.
I'm good, oh thank you so much for this necklace.
It's beautiful, you knew didn't you?
Yeah, we did. (LAUGHS)
I just happened to notice there's a camera right there.
Oh, I will take it off your hands for you, huh?
I hope you guys didn't say anything inappropriate.
Pardon my reach.
Oopsie daisie.
Come with you little camera, time to smash you into pieces.
What are you doing?
Oh you know I'm just enjoying this
lovely birthday party food.
Oh hang on, is it an engagement party food?
Yeah, no no no, it's fuck off Damien party food.
That's what it is.
- Oh Damien stop. - Yum.
- Yeah, give me that. - What are you doing?
- I just... - What are you doing?
What are you doing?
DAMIEN: I'm just filming the birthday girl slash bride.
Yeah, well stop it.
DAMIEN: I can't remember.
It's on record, can I get a closeup of the total bitch?
(LAUGHS) Charming.
Are you done now?
My turn.
Just want to get a nice long closeup of a total shit.
Ow Jesus, Damien.
- Stop it, fuck. - The fuck are you doing?
What the heck are you talking about?
You just got engaged to Mike.
Yeah, so?
Look, you know I love you.
Oh, this is bullshit, this is has never been
anything more than sex and you know it.
I do not know it and you do not know it.
Look, what I know is that the girl I love
and the girl who loves me
has just got engaged to another man.
Well too bad, because I love Mike
and I'm gonna marry Mike.
No, no, what you love is the bloody engagement ring
- on your finger. - Oh fuck off.
No fuck off you, just give me that.
- No. - Yeah.
- Oh gosh. - Because I want to
film a little closeup of birthday girl and the buffoon.
- Oh Jesus. - The bitch
and the berk, the bride of and...
Ha, can't think of anything else starting with B, can you?
Oh bollocks.
This is bullshit, Damien, we need to do something
about this camera and we need to do it now.
Are you gonna help me or not?
Not.
Nick, Nick?
Yeah.
Listen, you can be the keeper of the camera, yeah?
Yeah, go on take it.
All you have to do is just film everybody all night
and at the end of the night you give it to Mike.
I know he'll be really grateful.
- Sure I can do that. - Great.
- Congratulations Jenny. - Yeah, congratulations Jenny.
Bye.
- Ooh nice cake. - Thank you monsieur.
NICK: All right, I'm going.
Well that was weird, okay black to planet Earth.
- They do look like shit. - What are you saying?
- Oh, the happy couple. - Oh.
I'm going to give you two a very special price
- on our next piece. - Ooh, yes
and congratulations to the two of you,
that was so romantic and beautiful and Jenny,
you could be my new boss's wife, cheers for that.
You work for Mike, do you?
Mmm, fingers crossed.
NICK: Oops, let's pause for vol-au-vents.
- Volva? - No no?
Yeah, I had an interview with Mike a couple of weeks ago.
Well yeah, don't you think that's a bit rich, isn't it?
No no no, it's fine.
- It's just... - Well he's kept you
waiting on tenterhooks for two weeks?
I'm sorry, but that's a bit rude.
No no no I understand completely.
- He's a busy man. - No no no.
That's why I've got this little thing called
the wanker tax, if I sell some tit painting,
I just bung on the wanker tax,
the bigger the tit, the bigger the wanker tax.
I totally make it up, some of the stuff
I've sold Mike has been double what it should be
because of the wanker tax.
NICK: Alan, you are aware that at no point
have I stopped filming you since I entered the room?
Yes, of course.
NICK: Well why would you say those things
right into the camera?
This is their party movie.
Well, what no.
Nick, I think I'm getting my second wind,
I don't mind taking over the camera again for a bit.
- I'm good. - Well look,
there's a little something on there that I filmed
that shouldn't be on there so if I could just.
- Oh you and me both. - Excuse me.
- Hold on, hold on, look. - I don't know your name.
There's no point upsetting the happy couple,
- if I could just take...? - It's okay.
Sorry, sorry, but can you just here,
can you take the photo and just get a shot of us
- with the photo? - That's a really good idea.
- Come on. - Yeah yeah yeah.
Jenny hey, come over here.
- Come look. - Let me see.
No, no, we have to get in order, okay.
- Yeah, thank you. - Okay, see.
Are we getting in the right positions?
NICK: A little bit there, a little bit there.
I look good, who is the most beautiful?
Jenny, you're gonna have to get in position.
NICK: I think you're all beautiful, got it okay,
- all good. - Okay.
- Oh my God. - It's so fun.
- Thank you. - Okay, who else
- has a story? - Hi.
On me, three two one, cue Johnny.
- Here's Johnny. - Well Mike you little
son of a gun you're gone and done it now,
- you've taken the plunge. - I have yes.
- There's no going back now. - No.
- Listen. - Hmm?
When I think back to the day when I proposed
to my own beautiful Helen, if I could go back
to that moment, I'd run a bloody mile.
(LAUGHS)
Kidding, kidding, of course.
Only kidding, but look seriously, congratulations Mike.
- Thank you. - Congratulations Mike
- and Jenny. - Thank you John and Helen.
- Excellent. - She's got a lovely
- bloody ass. - Oh John!
What, we're married, not dead.
Yes, married to me.
I don't want to hear you talking about another woman's bum.
Hey you too, that's my Jenny's lovely bum
that you're talking about.
Well I didn't say you didn't have a nice ass, did I?
Now when did I say that?
- Was it with women? - I don't know.
When you say to women, there's a lovely young woman.
That's not what they hear, what they hear is
there is a woman who is so much lovelier than you are
and younger than you are, because you are old and ugly,
- that's what they hear. - Oh darling, have
I told you how old and ugly you are recently?
NICK: Hello Jenny, everything okay?
- Touche. - Oh, what's Damien
up to, seems very strange.
JOHN: Because I've got that experienced
older man thing going on, I've seen the world,
done it all, got the T-shirt.
I'm like a slightly younger George Clooney.
NICK: Hello you two, still having fun.
- Yeah, fine thanks, lovely. - Me too.
- Yes, good to see you. - See you in a bit.
- Yep. - Oh, fuck fuck fuck
fuck fuck fuck fuck, fuck fuck fuck fuck.
(DOOR RATTLES)
Oh come on, come on, open you bastard.
Oh shit, they're all gonna see me.
Oh, who's that Mike?
Oh, that's Nick, my PA.
What's he doing?
Oh, he's spanking one out over a picture of my girlfriend.
Oh shit, fuck.
Come on.
I'm gonna lose my fucking, it won't open.
It won't fucking open.
- Who's in there? - Oh, it's me again.
- It's Nick again boss. - What are you doing now?
Have you got a bladder infection?
- I just, I just... - Is the camera in there?
- The camera is in here, yes. - What's going on now?
You do know that we're gonna be sitting down
watching all that footage don't you?
- Yes, I'm well aware of that. - Because anything
you're up to is gonna be seen.
- I know. - Will you just
- pass the camera out? - Yeah yeah sure,
I'll pass it right out now.
- Wash your hands first. - Sure, yes, yes boss.
Oh Jesus fucking Christ.
One week on the job fired already, brilliant,
Jesus Christ, Jesus fucking Christ.
Why does the camera keep ending up in the bathroom?
- It's weird. - Yeah, that is strange.
- Oh Andy. - Yes Mike?
MIKE: Hi, Nick keep takes this camera into the bathroom.
- No boss. - I don't know why,
so I'm wondering if you could do your stint on it
you know I know you won't let me down.
ANDY: Oh no, I won't I'll get you
some wonderful footage Mike.
Okay, excellent stories, excellent stories, okay?
ANDY: Absolutely Mike.
Right, right, stories, stories, stories.
Stories, hello everybody.
- Let's have your stories. - Hey Andy, Andy.
Get over here.
Jenny, having your friends here, a little bit feisty.
Yeah, maybe you should have a double wedding
- and I'll marry this one. - Oh yes.
Hey, I saw him first.
Oh no no, Mike, Mike, I don't know if you're still
watching but if you are mate, what can I say?
Good luck and now yeah, I think I'll just get
busy with these two, bye now.
Bye now.
- Andy, that's right? - That's right.
I might have said something a tiny bit inappropriate
on there, so if I could just have that.
ANDY: No no, please don't try to take the camera.
(SCREAMS)
Are you all right?
Are you feeling well?
Oh dear, oh dear.
Oh here we are.
The King's Speech, do you mean yeah?
What do you mean, how do you mean?
I mean is a good film, Colin Firth,
oh he's so lovely, I was so pleased when he won.
Do you understand the game Sofia?
Yes, of course you're trying to figure out
the number two film of all time?
No?
- Yes. - I like this game really.
I really like it.
(LAUGHS)
- Oh congratulations. - Oh hello Rosalind.
- You look so happy together. - Thank you very much.
I mean I don't mean a pest and this probably
isn't the place, but it has been two weeks.
Yes, this is not the place.
I'll see you next week, okay bye bye.
ANDY: Oh don't worry Rosalind.
JOHN: The game is movie titles
that describe the quality of your last number two.
I see, oh ho and like a (LAUGHS)
(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
(LAUGHS)
Splash.
- Oh Splash? - Splash?
- Splash yes. - That's the best one yet.
Well done mate.
- You know Cannibal Run? - Moving on.
Oh there's Alan, well let's see what's going in the kitchen.
So I said, no no no you didn't
and she said yeah yeah, yeah I did.
ANDY: Lovely food preparation going on here.
- And I said... - Oh my God.
- That's cat's food. - Oh hello.
ANDY: You're putting cat's food in the vol-au-vent.
- Jesus. - Oh, fuck it.
ANDY: Everybody everybody everybody,
I think you should all know that the vol-au-vent
are not quite what they seem.
No?
No interest.
Ah Mike, Mike, trouble with the caterer.
I guess you're busy.
- We'll get our something. - Yes honey bunch.
ANDY: Nick, Nick, do you have anything
for the camera Nick?
Yeah, a couple of things actually,
one of them's a real showstopper,
but I think I'll just stay out of the frame
for now if you don't mind.
(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
Yeah, thanks.
ANDY: Right, let's see what we can.
Oh my God, not you, what are you doing?
What are you doing?
Well what are you doing?
Oh, monsieur I am not used to having
the camera in my kitchen and sometimes out of context,
the ingredients may seem a little bit surprising.
I am not sure what the camera captured.
ANDY: I saw the cat food.
Oh, shit, give me the camera.
- No no no. - This will be the ruin of me.
I am the Toast Potato and I don't care
whether it's cat food, it takes fucking great,
now give me the camera now.
I don't care, give that back, give that back now.
(OVEN CLANKS)
Okay, where is it?
Where is what, monsieur?
Where is the camera?
And you cut the faux French accent.
I am French, so I speak with a French accent.
Then tell me where the camera is.
I might be able to remember where I might have seen
this camera if you can guarantee that the offending
footage would disappear away.
Well, that works for me, now tell me where the camera
is now and I will get rid of the offending footage.
It's in the oven.
What?
(OVEN CLANKS)
I can't believe you put the camera in the oven.
I had to think fast, you saw the cat food.
ANDY: That changes everything.
- What do you mean? - Well you put the
camera in the oven and I will not now
get rid of the cat food footage.
You little shit now get the fuck out of my kitchen
or I'll have you, do you understand me?
- Get out. - Jesus, she's gone bananas,
totally mad, do not use that mad woman
for catering for your wedding Mike.
Now I need a quiet spot for
let's go in here and see what we can find, lovely, lovely.
(GUESTS TALKING) (MUSIC BOOMING)
(DOOR SNAPS)
Hello.
Hello Mike.
Hi Jenny.
You've just seen some mad caterers
and God knows what else and now it's me.
It's funny.
Hearing your future, me sitting here in your past
and it's the present now.
The past, present.
I only say the present is a present
because it's a gift and just forget, forget it
I probably should start again.
I'm very sorry to bring this up on your birthday, Jenny.
The fact is
the fact is I love you.
Mike that is, not you, Jenny,
not that you're not a good girl,
but no I mean Mike.
I always have, ever since we first met.
Not that I expect anything of you,
I don't want you to leave Jenny
and come and be with me, but God knows,
but I can't live like this anymore.
I'm too much of a coward to say it to you face to face
in the flesh so to speak.
Pathetic.
I've said it loud.
Let the chips falls where they may.
Can you just remember that this is just a man
sitting in front of another man.
All right, come on.
Oh Andy, do you mind if we have a quick quiet conference?
Business stuff, pain in the ass.
No, but off you go and cheers.
- Close that. - So, what does it say?
Let me see, yeah, the investment committee
have approved the proposition and four million dollars
in commissions, however, the commercial sensitivities
mean the non-disclosure provisions you entered into
preclude commissions from being extended
beyond yourself and Helen, I'm afraid
you'll have to deal with Mike, otherwise the deal is off.
Your call, best Fletcher.
Oh my God.
I know.
A third of four millions dollars.
I know.
So that means you can get the LD
and the Bentley and both Henry and Peter can board.
We only have to say the word and Mike's out.
Gosh, this is so exciting.
Are you telling me that you are willing
to shaft our oldest and dearest friend
and business partner out of his share
of one third of four million dollars,
is that what you're telling me?
Yes.
That's my girl. (HELEN LAUGHS)
So how do we proceed?
(GASPS) John!
Oh fuck!
- Can you erase it? - Fuck!
I'll fucking smash the bugger.
(STATIC FIZZLES) You fucking (SCREAMS)
(STATIC FIZZLES) Fuck, you fucking camera!
What are you doing to the camera?
What do you mean what am I doing to the camera?
I'm obviously fixing it.
Yeah, but you're punching seven bells out of it.
It's stuck on record, if you give it a little
bum bash it'll reset or something.
Give it to me.
I've been hunting for this camera all evening.
It's more trouble than it's worth.
Oh, oh, hello dad.
- Hello son. - Going upstairs.
Yes, your mom's feeling a little bit peaky.
- Oh. - That's right.
- I'll take the camera. - You wouldn't mind
just taking her upstairs and getting her
to lie down for a while, I'll give this to Damien.
Damien, all right.
Well I'll take you upstairs mom.
I'll be all right dear, don't worry.
- Thanks son, thanks. - No problem.
I'm sure I'll be all right, I just need to lay down
- for a little bit. - Okie dokie.
And I think I'll be well.
So let's go into the bedroom.
(STAIRS CREAKING)
This is lovely.
- It's nice comfortable one. - Yes, this is nice isn't it?
Just swing your legs up here.
My legs up here, I'll be fine.
- Just support your back. - Oh yeah.
- Thanks son. - Sure she's okay?
PETER: Yeah, she's had a little bit too much.
- Oh, I know what you mean. - Yes, lovely, sorry.
- Where's the camera? - The camera's downstairs
- I gave it to Damien. - I'll leave you too
- to it then, okay. - Thanks a lot.
- Speak to you soon. - Right.
All right then, all we gotta do...
- Yes? - Is open the hatch.
- Yes? - Get the film out,
expose it and ruin it.
Oh for goodness sake, Peter, you can't be serious.
Yeah, I am serious.
But they stopped using film ages ago.
You're just being ridiculous.
Okay, so what do we do?
Well I think you have to get a little
cassette thingy out and unravel it or something?
Where from?
Well I don't know, well have a look in the back.
There's no hatch, it's almost like it's been melted,
- fused shut. - Oh!
All the buttons are too small.
I mean look at it, it looks like the sort of thing
you can float around the universe in.
Who invented it, aliens?
Nothing, you can get a finger or anything at all.
It's almost like you need a pen to poke it.
Well have you got a pen or better still a screwdriver?
Hang on, no, but we could get a screwdriver.
- Okay. - Better still,
we could get a big screwdriver.
Leave the bugger open.
- Right, come on then. - Come on, let's go.
Oh, I think we should leave the camera up here.
- Good idea. - Can we hide it somewhere?
The table, right.
Come on, let's go.
Got a toolkit in the study, right.
(GUESTS TALKING)
(STAIRS CREAKING) (GUESTS TALKING)
Mike.
It is quite clear to me
that you don't have the hairy little balls
to just come out and tell me that I haven't got the job.
I know your sort.
All mouth and no trousers.
Well I'm not having it.
Not going to have it.
No, none of it, I tell you, none of it.
You can
oh
You can
(MOANS)
You can take your stupid job and your stupid Jenny
and your stupid party and your stupid house
and shove it right up your stupid asshole
and I am not clearing that up.
(GROANS)
(MUSIC BOOMING) (GUESTS TALKING)
Ooh. (CRASHES ON STAIRS)
Oh shit, Rosalind, Rosalind.
Oh she had too much to drink.
- You okay? - Help me up with her.
- You okay? - Yeah, ready.
- Got her. - Right, okay.
Take her down there, put her on there,
get her some water or something.
All right, no time for you.
- You're all right. - Come on.
(GROANS) Watch your head,
- watch your... - Ooh.
- Oh, oh. - There you are.
(NICK WHISPERING) (ANDY HUMMING)
- Oh hello. - Ah.
- Everything okay? - Yes I am I was
just looking for a, I thought there was a...
- A loose screw. - A loose screw, I just...
Peter hates loose screws.
And I'm going to help him.
Yes, that's, that's done now love.
Oh, that was a quick lie down.
Yes, dear, I told you not to worry,
now come on Peter back to the party.
Yes, let's go back to the party.
As long as you're okay.
Oh and there's Andy up the stairs getting some good shots.
I knew I could rely on you.
Oh, what's going on here?
Rosalind took a tumble on the stairs.
- Oh you okay Rosalind? - She could have really
hurt herself but thank goodness,
- she's so totally drunk. - Hey Nick, it is a party.
She's entitled to get a bit squiffy.
Oh no, he's right, I'm off my fucking tree.
Oh well, that's what we loved about you in the interview,
Rosalind, your total honesty, why not get out of your
effing tree and good news is you've got the job.
You're gonna be the best office manager we've ever had.
Andy, what are you doing here?
I want to check on the cake, you go back in the party.
Oh bollocks.
ANDY: More funny stories for Jenny and Mike?
Yes, yes, you come fucking here.
Come here, right, all right Andy Bandy,
how much did you make last year?
Ball park, what was it, 30, 40, 50, did you get a car?
Did you get a pension?
I mean what is the total package?
Hey, now round it up, be generous.
What are we talking, a 100k?
I don't know what you're talking about.
All right, all right.
200, eh?
(KEYS JANGLING)
There's a Range Rover round the back of the barn,
nara bronze metallic, I want you to take the camera
and I want you to jam it behind the rear wheel
and then I want you to back over it.
Come back and I will write you a check for 200,000 pounds,
right here and right bloody now.
You want me to break the camera?
You're a shrewd one.
All right, all right, all right, 300,000, huh?
You will be leaving here tonight with a check
for 300,000 pounds, not bad for 15 minutes work hey?
But the stuff on there I need Mike to see.
Oh, I see.
I see.
You crafty little toad.
I didn't see this fucking coming.
Who have you been talking to eh, Wiseman?
The Russians?
Old man Fletcher?
All right then, I didn't you take you for a player,
my fault hats off to you.
400,000 my final offer.
I really do not know what you're talking about.
Fuck off!
Can I get you a glass of water?
Come here lad, how much did you make last year?
Nick, where are you going?
(GUYS SCREAMING)
ANDY: Oh dear, why is everybody staring at me?
Right, cake everyone here comes the cake.
Come on, come on, charge your glass, get our tummies ready.
Samantha let's get some plates.
Andy, Andy!
I'll take that, I'll take that.
- No no no. - Yeah.
Let the Damien take it.
- Andy, let Damien. - Yeah, let me take it.
Right here we go darling.
Blow out the candles, don't forget to make a wish.
- Yeah, make a wish. - Make a wish.
I think I've got one right now.
DAMIEN: I bet you have sweetheart.
- (BLOWS) - Oh hey.
DAMIEN: Oh, she's good at blowing.
I hope your wish came true tonight.
DAMIEN: Ooh, I've been there.
All right, where's some plates?
- Can we just cut the cake? - Hello ladies.
Who wants a slice of cake?
- Anyone want some cake? - I'll be getting mine later.
Right, well I'll go get a knife and some plates.
DAMIEN: Ooh, don't give me the stink eye.
Oh, oh, what's going on here, hello?
Oh you can all fuck off.
DAMIEN: Oh, you can fuck off too, sweetheart.
Your food was shit.
Oh the caterers are gone.
DAMIEN: Mike, why don't you stop doing this now?
We can see what we've got on the camera.
Let's here some great Jenny stories.
Yeah, I think you know we'll find
what your future wife is really like.
No, I don't think that's a really good idea.
Do tell, absolutely bloody not.
No, let's not watch the film.
Let's all have some cake.
Yeah cake, let's have some cake.
Son, son, I think we should watch the home movie,
- maybe later on. - Mike, you need
to get some cables and hook this puppy
- up to the TV now. - No.
Yeah, no, you need to shut the fuck up.
- Oh ho ho, shit. - I mean it Damien.
(LAUGHS) Mike, oh you mean what exactly?
What's going on with you two?
Fuck it, give me the fucking camera.
Giddy up horsey, giddy up.
- Let me get it. - Hey Mike, get those cables.
(GUESTS SCREAMING)
Get away, get away from the thing.
That's ours, I mean cranky bugger, okay,
take a little time to get the top off.
- I'll have that thank you. - He said he'd give
me 10 grand to smash the camera with his Range Rover.
Give it here and we'll all split it.
- No thank you. - Damn.
Mike, I'm really sorry about what I said earlier.
I was just upset and so upset...
If you want something done, do it yourself.
(STATIC FIZZLES)
Ooh, I can't open it, it's like the both of us no.
- Give it. - Will you stop everybody?
Have that Andy, take the camera.
Right now, all of you, what is going on?
Mike.
Colleague, friend.
We've been partners now for what 15 years,
trust me, please, let me have the camera.
- Oh no. - Michael,
Michael let him have the camera.
Michael, listen to your mother.
I'd give that camera over now Mike.
Michael, I am your doctor, my professional opinion
is that the camera must be given to John.
No no no Mike, there's something on there
you really got to see.
Damien fuck off!
What's going on?
Boss, is there any chance?
Nicky, shut up.
I'm not gonna get that job now am I?
Will someone tell me what the F is going on?
Michael, I've been shagging your wife for six months.
(GUESTS SHOUTING)
- Shut up! - Bitch!
- You shut up. - Michael, Michael!
Your mother's dying.
She's not your mother, I'm sorry.
What?
Perhaps we should talk about the job thing later.
I'm still free on Thursday.
No, no Mike, you're not.
You're out.
You'll be in New York on the 23rd.
That's when we sign the papers.
I'm sorry mate, it's just business.
HELEN: Yes, sorry Mike.
- (NICK CLEARS THROAT) - Nick?
I'm on there having a wank in your own suite.
- Oh Jesus. - Oh no.
I'm sorry, boss please, don't fire me.
I've been bumping off prices for years,
nothing personal I do it to everyone.
And that Gambol portrait in your study?
- Mm? - Is shit.
Real shit.
It's my shit.
- (GUESTS EXCLAIMING) - God.
- Oh God. - That's disgusting.
- Number two. - Did it with my hands.
- Oh. - Jesus Christ.
I have something to say.
The breasts you grew were not the result
of a thyroid problem.
I was supposed to give you betasolipene.
Instead I gave you betasolipene.
I'm so sorry.
But they sound the same.
I know.
That was the problem.
Say bethasolibede.
Betasolipene.
Right, now say pathosolimene.
Betasolipene.
Sorry mate.
You grew breasts?
Yeah, they're going now, but...
Oh, oh, you're not a fat old fart.
It just we are just jealous women
and Jenny is really lucky to have found you.
Isn't that right girls?
Why did you have to say that?
Because everyone is making their confessions.
Yes, but that wasn't on camera.
(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
Right, I just don't believe this.
Can I mention at this point that the vol-au-vents
were made of cat food?
- Oh. - God.
- Oh God. - Oh my God.
(GUESTS WRETCHING)
Oh dear God. (GUESTS WRETCHING)
- Ooh. - Oh my God.
- (BATTERY BEEPING) - I'm sorry Mike,
but I think the battery is about to run out.
(BEEPS)
(CAMERA WHINES)
(SIGHS)
(COMPUTER BEEPING)
What?
(LAUGHS)
(WHIMSICAL ACOUSTIC MUSIC)