0000 00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:10,000 YoubetCash.vip Agen Judi Online Aman & Terpercaya 000 00:00:11,000 --> 00:00:15,000 Bonus Cashback Bola 6% Bonus Rollingan 0,80% 00 00:00:16,000 --> 00:00:20,000 Welcome Bonus Rp 25.000 Extra Bonus Tambahan Withdraw Rp 2.000.000 0 00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:25,000 CashBack Mix Parlay 100% Bonus Ajak teman 45,2% 1 00:00:07,216 --> 00:00:09,676 [presenter] She spent 20 years studying courage, 2 00:00:09,760 --> 00:00:11,970 vulnerability, shame, and empathy, 3 00:00:12,054 --> 00:00:15,015 wrote five New York Times number one best sellers, 4 00:00:15,098 --> 00:00:18,352 and her TED Talk is one of the most watched in the world. 5 00:00:18,435 --> 00:00:20,687 Please welcome Brené Brown. 6 00:00:20,771 --> 00:00:22,773 [audience cheering and applauding] 7 00:00:31,657 --> 00:00:32,658 [Brené] Hey! 8 00:00:34,826 --> 00:00:35,786 Hi! 9 00:00:39,456 --> 00:00:40,457 Hi! 10 00:00:41,291 --> 00:00:43,544 Oh, my God. Hi! 11 00:00:54,638 --> 00:00:56,014 Hi, everybody. 12 00:00:56,848 --> 00:00:58,016 Whoo! 13 00:00:59,059 --> 00:01:00,978 -Hi! -[audience] Hi! 14 00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:02,813 How-- How's it going? 15 00:01:02,896 --> 00:01:04,147 [audience cheers] 16 00:01:04,982 --> 00:01:07,150 It was so funny. I'm backstage. They're like, 17 00:01:07,234 --> 00:01:09,319 "Can we take your purse?" I'm like, "No." 18 00:01:09,403 --> 00:01:12,281 -[audience laughs] -It's, like, totally a Texas thing 19 00:01:12,364 --> 00:01:14,992 where I always have to have my purse and an exit plan. 20 00:01:15,075 --> 00:01:19,788 Uh, like, I'm not sure until I walk out here that I'm actually going to do it. 21 00:01:19,871 --> 00:01:20,831 [audience laughs] 22 00:01:20,914 --> 00:01:22,874 Uh, but I am so happy to be with y'all tonight. 23 00:01:22,958 --> 00:01:24,793 And I have to say, honestly, 24 00:01:24,876 --> 00:01:29,381 the older I get, the more I realize that time is the big, precious, 25 00:01:29,631 --> 00:01:31,508 unrenewable resource. 26 00:01:31,800 --> 00:01:33,218 Um, yes or no? 27 00:01:33,302 --> 00:01:34,803 -[audience applauds] -Yeah. 28 00:01:36,722 --> 00:01:39,433 So, thank you for spending it with me tonight. 29 00:01:39,516 --> 00:01:41,018 I really appreciate it. 30 00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:42,811 I think we're gonna have some fun, 31 00:01:42,894 --> 00:01:45,689 talk about some hard stuff, laugh a little bit, 32 00:01:45,772 --> 00:01:48,150 and hopefully learn something from each other. 33 00:01:48,233 --> 00:01:50,319 I'm always laughing when I'm listening to the bio. 34 00:01:50,402 --> 00:01:51,987 That, you know, "She studies shame, 35 00:01:52,070 --> 00:01:53,780 empathy, courage, and vulnerability." 36 00:01:53,864 --> 00:01:57,618 You have no idea how handy that comes in my life. So... 37 00:01:57,701 --> 00:01:59,870 Really, not just in my work, but in my life 38 00:01:59,953 --> 00:02:01,955 because how many of you know... 39 00:02:02,456 --> 00:02:05,834 I recognize some of y'all, so I know you know me, 40 00:02:05,917 --> 00:02:08,629 but how many of you know that I'm super introverted? 41 00:02:09,004 --> 00:02:10,714 -[woman whoops] -Like, yeah. 42 00:02:11,256 --> 00:02:14,426 -Where are all the introverts? Like... -[audience members whoop] 43 00:02:15,677 --> 00:02:19,014 It's super handy when I'm traveling because I'll be sitting next to someone, 44 00:02:19,097 --> 00:02:21,516 and sometimes I'm in the mood to chat, and sometimes I'm not. 45 00:02:21,600 --> 00:02:23,644 So they'll say, "So, what do you do?" 46 00:02:23,727 --> 00:02:25,604 And if I'm not in the mood to chat, I'll be like, 47 00:02:25,687 --> 00:02:27,898 -"I study shame. What do you do?" -[audience laughs] 48 00:02:27,981 --> 00:02:30,484 [Brené] And they're just-- They're just like... 49 00:02:30,567 --> 00:02:33,362 -[imitates window whirring] -[audience laughs] 50 00:02:33,445 --> 00:02:34,363 Um... 51 00:02:34,446 --> 00:02:37,032 And then recently, it was really funny, 'cause I was like, 52 00:02:37,115 --> 00:02:40,035 "Oh, I study courage and vulnerability," and the guy was like, 53 00:02:40,118 --> 00:02:42,913 "Oh, opposite ends 54 00:02:42,996 --> 00:02:44,247 of the spectrum." 55 00:02:44,331 --> 00:02:46,333 [audience laughs] 56 00:02:46,917 --> 00:02:51,004 And there's that minute where you're like, "Do I engage or do I not engage?" 57 00:02:52,255 --> 00:02:54,383 I was like, "No, actually, they're the same. 58 00:02:54,466 --> 00:02:55,842 You know, courage-- You can't really-- 59 00:02:55,926 --> 00:02:58,011 You can't really be brave without vulnerability." 60 00:02:58,095 --> 00:03:01,056 And he's like, "Ha! Yeah. No, the opposite ends." 61 00:03:01,139 --> 00:03:02,224 [audience laughs] 62 00:03:03,475 --> 00:03:07,646 Now, I can understand why it's complicated for some people to get that. 63 00:03:08,063 --> 00:03:11,608 It took me 20 years of trying to disprove that I had to be vulnerable, 64 00:03:11,692 --> 00:03:13,360 um, to be brave, 65 00:03:13,443 --> 00:03:15,112 but I really-- 66 00:03:15,195 --> 00:03:16,780 This came to life for me 67 00:03:16,863 --> 00:03:19,950 when we started looking at covers for Daring Greatly, 68 00:03:20,033 --> 00:03:23,662 which was the first book where I wrote about courage and vulnerability, right? 69 00:03:23,745 --> 00:03:25,539 So I say to them, 70 00:03:25,956 --> 00:03:29,126 "Let's make sure we really capture the spirit... 71 00:03:29,793 --> 00:03:31,461 of vulnerability and courage, 72 00:03:31,545 --> 00:03:34,047 that we really have to put ourselves out there." 73 00:03:34,131 --> 00:03:35,882 And they're like, "We've got it. 74 00:03:35,966 --> 00:03:37,968 Do you need to see the cover?" 75 00:03:38,468 --> 00:03:41,054 And I was like, "Uh, yeah. I need to see the cover." 76 00:03:41,388 --> 00:03:43,390 So they sent me the cover. 77 00:03:45,976 --> 00:03:48,311 [audience laughs] 78 00:03:54,192 --> 00:03:56,987 I've named that piece "White Guy on a Wire." 79 00:03:57,070 --> 00:04:00,198 [audience laughs] 80 00:04:00,282 --> 00:04:01,408 [laughing] I was like, 81 00:04:01,908 --> 00:04:03,744 "I would never buy that book." 82 00:04:03,827 --> 00:04:04,786 [audience laughs] 83 00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:08,582 Had I known what was coming next, 84 00:04:08,665 --> 00:04:10,876 this would have been the cover of Daring Greatly, 85 00:04:10,959 --> 00:04:12,878 I guarantee it, because... 86 00:04:14,087 --> 00:04:15,922 I go back and I'm like, "That's not gonna work. 87 00:04:16,006 --> 00:04:18,675 I don't want a white dude on the front of the book, period." 88 00:04:19,092 --> 00:04:22,179 Uh, especially with, like, a 1980s briefcase. 89 00:04:23,555 --> 00:04:26,808 [laughing] Uh... And so then, I get an email that says... 90 00:04:29,060 --> 00:04:31,688 "This is it. We all love it." 91 00:04:32,564 --> 00:04:34,483 And I'm like, "Oh, man. Dude. 92 00:04:34,900 --> 00:04:36,818 Don't use your invisible army with me. 93 00:04:36,902 --> 00:04:38,111 Like, I'm a shame researcher. 94 00:04:38,195 --> 00:04:42,866 Like, you can't do the "we all love it" thing with me. 95 00:04:42,949 --> 00:04:45,952 Like, I will drill you down till you are crying. 96 00:04:47,162 --> 00:04:48,622 And, who is the "we"? 97 00:04:48,705 --> 00:04:52,459 Unless you've got a mouse in your pocket, that is chickenshit, like... 98 00:04:52,876 --> 00:04:55,378 No "we." Just like, "I love it." 99 00:04:56,004 --> 00:04:58,089 So I'm looking at it like, "Oh, God. We all love it. 100 00:04:58,173 --> 00:05:00,509 We all think this is it. We're all excited. 101 00:05:00,592 --> 00:05:02,469 We're all behind it." 102 00:05:02,552 --> 00:05:04,554 So you know, right? [scoffs] 103 00:05:05,430 --> 00:05:06,473 I'm gonna test... 104 00:05:07,057 --> 00:05:08,892 your empathic powers here. 105 00:05:08,975 --> 00:05:10,310 [audience chuckles] 106 00:05:10,393 --> 00:05:12,771 If you're really highly empathic, 107 00:05:12,854 --> 00:05:14,064 there'll be no laughter. 108 00:05:17,067 --> 00:05:18,985 [audience laughs] 109 00:05:21,279 --> 00:05:23,031 I was like, "What?" 110 00:05:26,117 --> 00:05:27,661 I-- Okay, so here's the thing. 111 00:05:27,744 --> 00:05:31,623 Like every woman born in this country, 112 00:05:32,290 --> 00:05:34,793 I've had to do my share of body image work. 113 00:05:34,876 --> 00:05:35,961 [audience laughs] 114 00:05:37,045 --> 00:05:38,255 [Brené] And I have. 115 00:05:38,463 --> 00:05:41,383 To the point where I am dangerous, I like myself so much. 116 00:05:41,466 --> 00:05:44,845 Like, I-- I'm good with everything. Right? Yeah. 117 00:05:44,928 --> 00:05:47,055 -[audience cheers] -[Brené] Pretty good. 118 00:05:48,932 --> 00:05:49,808 Okay. 119 00:05:52,310 --> 00:05:53,436 But the chance... 120 00:05:54,187 --> 00:05:57,190 of my name being under an elephant ass 121 00:05:57,274 --> 00:05:59,651 on the front of a book is zero. 122 00:05:59,943 --> 00:06:03,321 That-- Zero. There is zero opportunity for that to happen. 123 00:06:04,322 --> 00:06:06,241 So it seems, like, crazy, right? 124 00:06:06,324 --> 00:06:08,827 You're like, "These are early concepts, and people are trying to--" 125 00:06:08,910 --> 00:06:09,828 But let me show you. 126 00:06:09,911 --> 00:06:12,372 This book has been translated into, like, 32 languages. 127 00:06:12,455 --> 00:06:14,374 Let me show you some of the actual covers 128 00:06:14,457 --> 00:06:15,959 of how people have conceptualized 129 00:06:16,042 --> 00:06:18,086 the relationship between courage and vulnerability. 130 00:06:20,630 --> 00:06:23,133 This is the Korean. This is the real, actual-- 131 00:06:23,216 --> 00:06:24,718 The funniest thing about this 132 00:06:24,801 --> 00:06:27,804 is it was on my-- my kitchen table in my house 133 00:06:27,888 --> 00:06:30,432 when my daughter and her friends got home from high school one day, 134 00:06:30,515 --> 00:06:31,725 and her friend was like, 135 00:06:32,392 --> 00:06:35,145 "Oh, my God. Does your mom know Johnny Depp?" 136 00:06:35,228 --> 00:06:36,396 [audience laughs] 137 00:06:36,771 --> 00:06:38,273 [Brené] Which I do not. 138 00:06:39,024 --> 00:06:40,025 Okay. 139 00:06:40,108 --> 00:06:44,112 I totally love the Swedes, I really do. Like, I just love them. 140 00:06:44,613 --> 00:06:47,449 But they got the saddest cover in the whole world. 141 00:06:47,532 --> 00:06:48,658 [audience] Aw! 142 00:06:48,742 --> 00:06:49,576 [Brené] Okay. 143 00:06:51,077 --> 00:06:53,914 Why did you do that involuntarily? 144 00:06:53,997 --> 00:06:58,084 Because this is a sign, internationally, for, like, abuse and neglect. 145 00:06:58,168 --> 00:06:59,920 [audience laughs] 146 00:07:00,003 --> 00:07:02,631 [Brené] And then... [chuckling] 147 00:07:03,214 --> 00:07:05,926 ...we have the cover 148 00:07:06,009 --> 00:07:08,720 that completely jacked with my kayaking game 149 00:07:08,803 --> 00:07:10,305 because I love to kayak. 150 00:07:10,388 --> 00:07:11,932 I'm a water person, right? 151 00:07:12,015 --> 00:07:14,351 So when I saw this Lithuanian cover, 152 00:07:14,434 --> 00:07:17,020 I couldn't get in a kayak for six months. 153 00:07:17,520 --> 00:07:19,230 [audience laughs] 154 00:07:21,566 --> 00:07:23,068 Yeah. Yeah. 155 00:07:23,526 --> 00:07:26,947 This is not what I had in mind, but this is what people think. Okay. 156 00:07:27,739 --> 00:07:30,450 Here's where Daring Greatly actually comes from. 157 00:07:31,576 --> 00:07:32,661 Teddy Roosevelt. 158 00:07:33,620 --> 00:07:35,080 So the day the book came out, 159 00:07:35,163 --> 00:07:38,249 my husband put pictures of Teddy Roosevelt all over our house 160 00:07:38,333 --> 00:07:39,209 because the epigraph, 161 00:07:39,292 --> 00:07:41,670 the quote that kind of is the spine of Daring Greatly, 162 00:07:41,753 --> 00:07:43,213 comes from Teddy Roosevelt. 163 00:07:43,296 --> 00:07:44,422 So I woke up in the morning. 164 00:07:44,506 --> 00:07:47,175 I was like, "Oh, my God. That's so sweet." And my kids were like... 165 00:07:47,676 --> 00:07:50,387 -"Is that Opa? Is that Grandpa?" Um... -[audience laughs] 166 00:07:52,722 --> 00:07:53,932 So here's the story. 167 00:07:54,015 --> 00:07:55,767 How many of you have seen the TED Talk on vulnerability? 168 00:07:56,226 --> 00:07:57,852 -[audience cheers] -[Brené] Okay. 169 00:08:00,939 --> 00:08:02,065 I wish I could take credit. 170 00:08:02,148 --> 00:08:04,150 It was me. It's not that I can't take credit for it, 171 00:08:04,234 --> 00:08:06,152 but it was a complete accident. 172 00:08:06,236 --> 00:08:07,487 So here's what happened. 173 00:08:08,780 --> 00:08:10,907 The curators of TEDx Houston-- 174 00:08:10,991 --> 00:08:13,159 this is the first people to get the license in Houston-- 175 00:08:13,243 --> 00:08:15,537 call and say, "Hey, we got the TEDx license. 176 00:08:15,620 --> 00:08:18,164 Would you like to open up TEDx Houston?" 177 00:08:18,248 --> 00:08:21,710 And I was like, "Yes! My God, yes. Thank you! 178 00:08:21,793 --> 00:08:23,503 What do you want me to talk about?" 179 00:08:23,586 --> 00:08:25,588 'Cause normally, when you spend your career 180 00:08:25,672 --> 00:08:28,425 talking about things like shame and fear, and scarcity, 181 00:08:28,508 --> 00:08:29,634 people get super prescriptive 182 00:08:29,718 --> 00:08:32,303 about what they want you to say and what they don't want you to say. 183 00:08:32,721 --> 00:08:34,973 And this guy was like, "You know what? 184 00:08:35,056 --> 00:08:38,018 Whatever you want. You have fun. Just crush it. 185 00:08:38,101 --> 00:08:40,228 Just have fun and just-- Whatever you want." 186 00:08:40,311 --> 00:08:42,522 -I was like... -[audience laughs] 187 00:08:42,605 --> 00:08:46,067 "All right. I'll crush it, dude. I'll do that. Okay." 188 00:08:46,818 --> 00:08:50,030 So I'm on a flight the day before TEDx Houston, 189 00:08:50,113 --> 00:08:52,782 coming home from Maui, where I had spent 190 00:08:53,408 --> 00:08:56,786 four days with CEOs from Silicon Valley 191 00:08:56,870 --> 00:08:58,955 talking about the importance of vulnerability. 192 00:08:59,039 --> 00:09:01,750 Talking about courage and putting yourself out there. 193 00:09:01,833 --> 00:09:03,960 And I turned to Steve, my husband, on the flight. 194 00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:06,212 My kids are passed out. They went with us. 195 00:09:06,588 --> 00:09:10,925 And I said, "I'm not going to do my normal talk tomorrow at TEDx Houston." 196 00:09:11,009 --> 00:09:12,135 And he's like, "What?" 197 00:09:12,218 --> 00:09:14,054 And I said, "I'm not gonna do my normal talk 198 00:09:14,137 --> 00:09:16,639 on variables mitigating self-conscious affect." 199 00:09:17,557 --> 00:09:19,100 And he's like, "Why not?" 200 00:09:19,184 --> 00:09:21,936 And I said, "I'm gonna be vulnerable and talk about vulnerability. 201 00:09:22,020 --> 00:09:24,522 I'm just gonna put my whole self out there." And he's like, 202 00:09:24,856 --> 00:09:26,441 "Why? Why would you do that?" 203 00:09:26,524 --> 00:09:28,276 [audience laughs] 204 00:09:28,359 --> 00:09:30,070 Which I think was a legitimate question. 205 00:09:30,153 --> 00:09:32,655 And I said, "Because I just spent four days with these people 206 00:09:32,739 --> 00:09:35,450 trying to convince them to be vulnerable and put themselves out there, 207 00:09:35,533 --> 00:09:38,995 and then I'm gonna walk on the stage in my academic armor, you know, like, 208 00:09:39,079 --> 00:09:42,540 'This is the variable that, you know.' Um, because that's my training." 209 00:09:43,208 --> 00:09:45,376 And so, I was like,  "I'm not gonna do that. 210 00:09:45,460 --> 00:09:46,711 I'm gonna just be vulnerable." 211 00:09:46,795 --> 00:09:49,464 So I got up there and, as many of you know, I was vulnerable. 212 00:09:49,547 --> 00:09:52,342 I talked about how I'm scared of vulnerability, how I hate it, 213 00:09:52,425 --> 00:09:54,636 how when it emerged from my data 214 00:09:54,719 --> 00:09:57,680 as the key to wholehearted living and loving, 215 00:09:57,764 --> 00:09:59,516 I totally had a breakdown. 216 00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:02,393 I went to a therapist with an Excel spreadsheet 217 00:10:02,477 --> 00:10:04,604 and said, "Here's what I need to work on. 218 00:10:05,480 --> 00:10:09,067 I have six weeks." It took, like, eight years. Uh... 219 00:10:09,150 --> 00:10:10,735 [audience laughs] 220 00:10:10,819 --> 00:10:12,153 You know, and I did that. 221 00:10:12,237 --> 00:10:14,989 And so when I drove home after giving the talk, 222 00:10:15,573 --> 00:10:16,866 I just remember thinking, 223 00:10:16,950 --> 00:10:19,160 "That was the worst 20 minutes of my life." 224 00:10:19,244 --> 00:10:21,412 Like, I had the worst vulnerability hangover 225 00:10:21,496 --> 00:10:22,330 that you can imagine. 226 00:10:22,413 --> 00:10:26,042 I thought, "Thank God it was just 500 people 227 00:10:26,417 --> 00:10:28,253 at the University of Houston, where I've taught. 228 00:10:28,336 --> 00:10:30,171 I know a hundred of them. 229 00:10:30,505 --> 00:10:32,298 Um, thank God that's over. 230 00:10:32,549 --> 00:10:35,802 I'm going back to the variables mitigating self-conscious affect. 231 00:10:35,885 --> 00:10:38,638 That other's bullshit." Like, "I'm not doing it." 232 00:10:39,556 --> 00:10:42,100 So then I find out it's on YouTube, 233 00:10:42,183 --> 00:10:44,769 and I'm thinking, "Did I sign a clearance for that?" 234 00:10:44,853 --> 00:10:47,313 Like, I'm like-- I'm trying to get out of it. 235 00:10:47,397 --> 00:10:49,274 Then they put it on the big TED, 236 00:10:49,357 --> 00:10:51,359 and I go to my husband. I'm, like, crying, 237 00:10:51,442 --> 00:10:53,736 "We gotta stop this. What's happening?" And he goes, 238 00:10:53,820 --> 00:10:56,948 "What are people gonna google? 'Brené Brown, vulnerability'?" 239 00:10:57,031 --> 00:11:00,285 [audience laughs, cheers] 240 00:11:02,078 --> 00:11:03,079 [Brené] Yeah. 241 00:11:04,789 --> 00:11:07,584 And, of course, I'm just embarrassed at that point 242 00:11:07,667 --> 00:11:09,961 that I would be like, "They're gonna find me!" [whines] 243 00:11:10,044 --> 00:11:11,921 I was like, "You're right. No one's gonna watch." 244 00:11:12,255 --> 00:11:16,384 So I watch it, and it's like, three people, four people, 245 00:11:16,467 --> 00:11:18,469 five million, six million... 246 00:11:18,553 --> 00:11:20,430 -[man whoops] -[Brené] And there's this day-- 247 00:11:20,513 --> 00:11:23,141 Like, yeah. You're like, "Whoo!" And I'm like, "Shit!" 248 00:11:23,224 --> 00:11:25,351 -[audience laughs] -Um, that's the difference. 249 00:11:25,435 --> 00:11:26,352 And so, I'm like... 250 00:11:28,021 --> 00:11:29,480 "What is happening?" 251 00:11:29,564 --> 00:11:32,150 And so, one day, every news outlet, like, 252 00:11:32,233 --> 00:11:34,611 in the world was covering this story. Like, 253 00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:38,323 "Who is Bernie Brown, and why is vulnerability important?" 254 00:11:38,948 --> 00:11:40,825 So I'm like, "Oh, my God." 255 00:11:41,618 --> 00:11:43,161 So, Steve-- My kids are at school. 256 00:11:43,244 --> 00:11:45,830 Steve leaves for work, and he's like, "Hey, listen. 257 00:11:46,664 --> 00:11:48,833 Don't get online. Don't read the comments." 258 00:11:49,584 --> 00:11:50,418 And I'm like, 259 00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:54,339 "I've done a lot of my own work. I'm not gonna be reading the comments." 260 00:11:54,422 --> 00:11:58,218 And I'm, like, waiting for him to back out of the driveway, 261 00:11:59,302 --> 00:12:00,678 and then I'm like... 262 00:12:02,222 --> 00:12:03,514 Oh, my God. 263 00:12:04,057 --> 00:12:07,018 You can study shame, yet you are never prepared 264 00:12:07,435 --> 00:12:09,812 for... the... 265 00:12:10,230 --> 00:12:11,731 terrible stuff online. Right? 266 00:12:11,814 --> 00:12:14,150 It's the cesspool of humanity on these things. 267 00:12:14,692 --> 00:12:16,444 So I start reading the comments, 268 00:12:16,819 --> 00:12:19,197 and the best way to describe shame, to me, 269 00:12:19,280 --> 00:12:21,532 is shame is this-- the feeling that you would get 270 00:12:21,616 --> 00:12:24,827 if you walked out of a room that was filled with people who know you, 271 00:12:24,911 --> 00:12:27,497 and they start saying such hurtful things about you 272 00:12:27,580 --> 00:12:29,582 that you don't know that you could ever walk back in 273 00:12:29,666 --> 00:12:31,626 -and face them again in your life. -[woman] Wow. 274 00:12:32,043 --> 00:12:33,002 That's what shame is. 275 00:12:33,086 --> 00:12:33,920 And for me, 276 00:12:34,420 --> 00:12:36,506 the fear of shame, 277 00:12:36,589 --> 00:12:40,510 the fear of criticism was so great in my life up until that point-- 278 00:12:40,593 --> 00:12:42,220 I mean, just paralyzing-- 279 00:12:42,303 --> 00:12:44,597 that I engineered smallness in my life. 280 00:12:44,681 --> 00:12:47,517 I did not take chances. I did not put myself out there. 281 00:12:47,600 --> 00:12:49,811 I mean, I just didn't. If I was gonna write an op-ed, 282 00:12:49,894 --> 00:12:51,854 I sent it to the Chronicle, not the New York Times. 283 00:12:51,938 --> 00:12:54,107 Like, I didn't-- It wasn't worth it to me 284 00:12:54,190 --> 00:12:56,734 to step into my power and play big 285 00:12:57,068 --> 00:12:58,403 because I didn't know 286 00:12:58,486 --> 00:13:01,531 if I could literally, physically withstand the criticism. 287 00:13:02,282 --> 00:13:04,200 And so, I pull up these comments, 288 00:13:04,284 --> 00:13:08,413 and there is everything I have feared my entire life. 289 00:13:08,496 --> 00:13:11,749 First comment says, "Less research, more Botox." 290 00:13:11,833 --> 00:13:14,419 The next comment says, "Of course she embraces imperfection. 291 00:13:14,502 --> 00:13:16,546 What choice would you have if you look like her?" 292 00:13:16,629 --> 00:13:18,214 The next comment says, 293 00:13:18,298 --> 00:13:21,718 "She should wait and talk about worthiness when she loses 15 pounds." 294 00:13:21,801 --> 00:13:23,803 "I feel sorry for her husband and her children." 295 00:13:23,886 --> 00:13:26,889 "I hope someone kills her." "She's what's wrong with the world today." 296 00:13:26,973 --> 00:13:29,017 And I was vacillating between... 297 00:13:30,685 --> 00:13:31,519 like... 298 00:13:32,186 --> 00:13:35,398 "God, just let me die right now. Just suck me up, Earth," 299 00:13:35,481 --> 00:13:37,984 and "I am prepared for this. 300 00:13:38,067 --> 00:13:40,903 I have three degrees in social work. I am prepared for this crisis." 301 00:13:40,987 --> 00:13:43,489 -Like, "I am trained for this moment." -[audience cheers, laughs] 302 00:13:45,241 --> 00:13:46,909 And finally, I was just like, "I am trained for this moment. 303 00:13:46,993 --> 00:13:48,494 I am trained for this moment. 304 00:13:48,578 --> 00:13:51,706 You're in a shame storm. You're in a shame shitstorm. 305 00:13:51,789 --> 00:13:53,416 You're trained for this moment." 306 00:13:54,917 --> 00:13:57,378 And then I was like, "Okay, you know what to do. 307 00:13:57,462 --> 00:13:59,922 -Peanut butter and Downton Abbey." -[audience laughs] 308 00:14:01,007 --> 00:14:03,301 -[Brené] Yeah! -[all cheer] 309 00:14:03,926 --> 00:14:06,804 So I get my "serving size" of peanut butter. Arbitrary. 310 00:14:06,888 --> 00:14:08,890 [audience laughs] 311 00:14:10,224 --> 00:14:12,268 It just says how much you can fit on the spoon 312 00:14:12,352 --> 00:14:15,229 and nothing about the size of the spoon. Like... 313 00:14:15,688 --> 00:14:16,606 And so... 314 00:14:17,106 --> 00:14:19,859 And I turn on Downton Abbey. It's like a hundred degrees in Houston, 315 00:14:19,942 --> 00:14:22,111 and I have the thermostat on, like, 58, 316 00:14:22,195 --> 00:14:26,824 and I've got on Uggs and a hoodie and Woobies and I'm, like, sad, 317 00:14:26,908 --> 00:14:30,036 and I'm watching Downton Abbey. For seven hours I watch it, just... 318 00:14:31,454 --> 00:14:33,498 How many of you have ever numbed with TV or a movie? 319 00:14:33,581 --> 00:14:35,124 -[scattered applause] -[Brené] Yeah. 320 00:14:35,375 --> 00:14:37,627 -You're my people. Um... -[audience laughs] 321 00:14:38,086 --> 00:14:40,213 But how many of you have ever done this? It's a lot of you, 322 00:14:40,296 --> 00:14:42,924 but fewer of you will confess because it seems crazy. 323 00:14:43,424 --> 00:14:46,344 When it's over and you don't want to go back to the real world, 324 00:14:46,427 --> 00:14:49,597 like, you get out your laptop and then you start googling, like, 325 00:14:49,972 --> 00:14:52,266 "Where is the abbey?" "Who plays this person?" 326 00:14:52,350 --> 00:14:56,187 -Like, yes or no? Yes or no? -[audience laughs and applauds] 327 00:14:56,270 --> 00:14:58,481 Yes, I know. Don't lie. 328 00:14:58,898 --> 00:15:01,776 "Do you fly into Heathrow? How much does it cost?" Like... 329 00:15:02,777 --> 00:15:04,153 And so then, I'm like, 330 00:15:04,237 --> 00:15:06,739 "Yeah, who was president of the United States 331 00:15:07,073 --> 00:15:09,242 during this Downton Abbey thing?" 332 00:15:09,325 --> 00:15:12,370 And so I was like, "Theodore Roosevelt, 1910." 333 00:15:12,745 --> 00:15:14,497 Then I had a total God moment. 334 00:15:14,580 --> 00:15:17,959 There is no other way. This was God, like, descending 335 00:15:18,251 --> 00:15:20,545 in my living room in full regalia. 336 00:15:21,129 --> 00:15:21,963 I pull it up. 337 00:15:22,046 --> 00:15:25,633 The first thing on Google is a speech that Theodore Roosevelt gave in 1910. 338 00:15:25,716 --> 00:15:28,469 And I start reading it because, again, I'm doing anything I can 339 00:15:28,553 --> 00:15:32,014 to not go back to Houston, Texas, and my life with the haters. 340 00:15:32,890 --> 00:15:35,309 So I start reading it, and it says, 341 00:15:35,393 --> 00:15:37,228 "It's not the critic who counts. 342 00:15:37,311 --> 00:15:40,022 It's not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles 343 00:15:40,106 --> 00:15:42,942 or where the doer of deeds could have done it different. 344 00:15:43,693 --> 00:15:46,779 The credit belongs to the person who's actually in the arena, 345 00:15:46,863 --> 00:15:49,907 whose face is marred with dust and sweat and blood, 346 00:15:49,991 --> 00:15:51,742 who strives valiantly, 347 00:15:51,826 --> 00:15:52,785 who errs, 348 00:15:52,869 --> 00:15:55,705 who comes up short again and again and again, 349 00:15:55,788 --> 00:15:57,457 and who, in the end, 350 00:15:57,540 --> 00:16:00,042 while he may know the triumph of high achievement, 351 00:16:00,501 --> 00:16:03,629 at least when he fails, he does so daring greatly." 352 00:16:04,672 --> 00:16:06,507 [audience cheers] 353 00:16:10,303 --> 00:16:13,890 There is my life before that quote and my life after that quote, 354 00:16:13,973 --> 00:16:15,933 like, in really one minute. 355 00:16:16,017 --> 00:16:18,269 And three things became very clear to me 356 00:16:18,352 --> 00:16:20,396 that were really life altering. 357 00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:23,024 One, I'm gonna live in the arena. 358 00:16:23,107 --> 00:16:25,943 I'm gonna be brave with my life. I'm gonna show up. 359 00:16:26,027 --> 00:16:27,570 I'm gonna take chances. 360 00:16:27,653 --> 00:16:29,572 And here's a thing I can tell you: 361 00:16:29,655 --> 00:16:34,035 20 years of doing this research, we just crossed 400,000 pieces of data. 362 00:16:34,118 --> 00:16:36,829 Here's what I can tell you for sure: If you're brave with your life, 363 00:16:36,913 --> 00:16:39,874 you choose to live in the arena, you're going to get your ass kicked. 364 00:16:39,957 --> 00:16:41,125 [audience chuckles] 365 00:16:41,209 --> 00:16:43,377 You are going to fall. You are going to fail. 366 00:16:43,461 --> 00:16:45,213 You are going to know heartbreak. 367 00:16:47,256 --> 00:16:50,301 It's a choice. It's a choice that I make every day. 368 00:16:50,384 --> 00:16:53,137 These are the words I say before my feet hit the floor every day. 369 00:16:53,221 --> 00:16:55,848 "Today I'll choose courage over comfort. 370 00:16:56,849 --> 00:17:00,561 I can't make commitments for tomorrow, but today I'm gonna choose to be brave, 371 00:17:00,645 --> 00:17:01,771 and I know what that means." 372 00:17:01,854 --> 00:17:03,773 And it's so funny because I do all of this work 373 00:17:03,856 --> 00:17:07,527 with leaders and in organizations today, and they'll always say to me, 374 00:17:07,610 --> 00:17:11,656 "I hear you, and I'm gonna be brave, and I'm willing to risk failing." 375 00:17:11,739 --> 00:17:15,117 And I'm like, "You're-- You don't hear me. You're not hearing me." 376 00:17:15,201 --> 00:17:17,662 Somewhere between what I'm saying and what you're hearing, 377 00:17:17,745 --> 00:17:20,998 you're-- you're taking out the "you're going to fail." 378 00:17:21,082 --> 00:17:22,583 Not "you're going to risk failure." 379 00:17:22,667 --> 00:17:25,628 "You're going to know failure if you're brave with your life." 380 00:17:26,796 --> 00:17:28,047 The second thing... 381 00:17:28,881 --> 00:17:30,216 that became very clear to me 382 00:17:30,299 --> 00:17:33,511 is that quote was everything I've learned about vulnerability. 383 00:17:33,594 --> 00:17:36,514 Vulnerability's not about winning. It's not about losing. 384 00:17:36,597 --> 00:17:38,516 It's having the courage to show up 385 00:17:38,599 --> 00:17:40,977 when you can't control the outcome. 386 00:17:41,435 --> 00:17:45,147 And we have asked thousands of people over the last couple of decades, 387 00:17:45,231 --> 00:17:46,816 "What is vulnerability to you?" 388 00:17:47,525 --> 00:17:48,901 And the answers range from: 389 00:17:48,985 --> 00:17:52,572 Vulnerability is the first date after my divorce. 390 00:17:53,197 --> 00:17:55,825 Trying to get pregnant after my second miscarriage. 391 00:17:55,908 --> 00:17:58,035 Sitting with my wife who has stage four breast cancer 392 00:17:58,119 --> 00:18:00,079 making plans for our toddlers. 393 00:18:00,705 --> 00:18:02,832 Getting fired. Firing someone. 394 00:18:02,915 --> 00:18:04,625 Coming out to my Christian parents. 395 00:18:05,960 --> 00:18:07,878 Saying "I love you" first. 396 00:18:10,172 --> 00:18:12,258 There's this great story that-- 397 00:18:12,341 --> 00:18:15,595 It's probably seven or eight years ago now. I was in LA, 398 00:18:15,678 --> 00:18:20,474 and I was doing a talk for a couple of thousand educators, 399 00:18:20,891 --> 00:18:23,561 and a young man walked up to me afterwards, and he said, 400 00:18:23,644 --> 00:18:26,063 "Hey, do you have a minute? I want to tell you a story." 401 00:18:26,147 --> 00:18:27,732 And I said, "Sure," and he goes, 402 00:18:27,815 --> 00:18:29,650 "Your work changed my life." 403 00:18:30,151 --> 00:18:32,069 And I said, "Thank you," and he said, "No, really. 404 00:18:32,153 --> 00:18:35,823 My parents sent me your TED Talks, and they completely changed my life." 405 00:18:36,115 --> 00:18:38,284 And I said, "Wow, thank you," and he said, "In fact, 406 00:18:38,367 --> 00:18:41,287 they inspired me to tell the woman that I'm dating 407 00:18:41,370 --> 00:18:42,246 that I love her." 408 00:18:43,122 --> 00:18:45,750 And I was like, [quietly] "Oh, God. Okay... 409 00:18:47,793 --> 00:18:49,879 That's amazing. It's so good to meet you." 410 00:18:49,962 --> 00:18:52,757 He was like, "No, let me tell you what happened." And I was like... 411 00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:54,592 -[audience laughs] -"Yeah." 412 00:18:54,675 --> 00:18:56,802 [audience laughs] 413 00:18:56,886 --> 00:19:01,265 And he said, "We went out to dinner, and I was gonna wait until dessert, 414 00:19:01,349 --> 00:19:03,726 because we get this, like, chocolate lava cake. 415 00:19:03,976 --> 00:19:07,396 I was gonna tell her when the chocolate lava cake came, but I couldn't wait, 416 00:19:07,480 --> 00:19:09,899 so I just looked at her halfway through dinner and I said, 417 00:19:10,399 --> 00:19:11,484 'I love you.' 418 00:19:12,360 --> 00:19:14,320 And she looked back at me, and she said, 419 00:19:15,071 --> 00:19:16,489 'I think you're awesome. 420 00:19:16,947 --> 00:19:18,574 [audience groans and chuckles] 421 00:19:18,991 --> 00:19:20,951 And I think we should date other people.' 422 00:19:21,035 --> 00:19:22,703 [audience groans] 423 00:19:22,787 --> 00:19:25,289 And then she left and got a ride home." 424 00:19:26,624 --> 00:19:29,669 He said, "So, I just got in my car... 425 00:19:30,461 --> 00:19:32,254 and drove home, and, just, the whole way home, 426 00:19:32,338 --> 00:19:33,923 I just kept saying, over and over, 427 00:19:34,006 --> 00:19:36,050 'Fuck Brené Brown. Fuck Brené Brown.'" 428 00:19:36,133 --> 00:19:38,052 [audience laughs] 429 00:19:38,886 --> 00:19:40,346 [Brené] And I was like... 430 00:19:42,640 --> 00:19:43,641 I was like, 431 00:19:44,058 --> 00:19:46,644 "This is the worst mm-ing story ever!" 432 00:19:47,436 --> 00:19:49,397 And he said, "Then I got home, 433 00:19:49,480 --> 00:19:51,899 and I just, you know, barged into my apartment. 434 00:19:51,982 --> 00:19:53,651 Both my roommates were sitting on the couch, 435 00:19:53,734 --> 00:19:55,486 and they were on their laptops, 436 00:19:56,612 --> 00:19:58,781 and they were like, 'Dude, what's wrong?'" And he's like, 437 00:19:58,864 --> 00:20:00,074 "I told her I loved her... 438 00:20:00,533 --> 00:20:01,992 and she broke up with me." 439 00:20:02,076 --> 00:20:04,495 And his roommate goes, "That was so lame. 440 00:20:04,578 --> 00:20:06,497 You can't go after them. 441 00:20:06,580 --> 00:20:09,417 When you head toward them, they move away. 442 00:20:09,500 --> 00:20:12,253 When you're always moving away, they move toward them. 443 00:20:12,336 --> 00:20:14,338 This is the way it works." 444 00:20:14,672 --> 00:20:17,967 And he was like, "I told them. I was like, 'Oh, what? No! 445 00:20:18,050 --> 00:20:20,636 Man, that's not who I want to be. 446 00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:22,054 I was daring greatly.'" 447 00:20:22,680 --> 00:20:25,266 And he said both of them just got really misty-eyed and went, 448 00:20:25,349 --> 00:20:27,852 -"Right on, man! Right on!" -[audience cheers] 449 00:20:31,731 --> 00:20:33,065 So number one, 450 00:20:33,441 --> 00:20:36,986 if you're gonna be in the arena, join me. It's really great. 451 00:20:37,069 --> 00:20:39,655 When you're down on the ground, blood, sweat, tear-- 452 00:20:39,739 --> 00:20:41,157 You know, it's an interesting view. 453 00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:42,867 You can see other people who are brave too. 454 00:20:43,492 --> 00:20:47,121 Um, two, vulnerability is not weakness. In fact, it's-- 455 00:20:47,204 --> 00:20:49,039 You know, vulnerability is our most accurate way 456 00:20:49,123 --> 00:20:52,293 to measure courage, and we literally do that as researchers. 457 00:20:52,376 --> 00:20:56,172 We can measure how brave you are by how vulnerable you're willing to be. 458 00:20:56,630 --> 00:20:58,299 The last thing I learned that day 459 00:20:58,382 --> 00:21:00,384 in my God moment with Theodore Roosevelt 460 00:21:01,135 --> 00:21:02,303 was this: 461 00:21:02,386 --> 00:21:05,389 If you are not in the arena 462 00:21:05,473 --> 00:21:09,518 getting your ass kicked on occasion because you were being brave, 463 00:21:09,602 --> 00:21:13,814 I am not interested in or open to your feedback about my work. 464 00:21:13,898 --> 00:21:14,815 Period. 465 00:21:14,899 --> 00:21:16,275 -[audience applauds] -[Brené] Just period. 466 00:21:20,613 --> 00:21:24,742 And there's a really, really, I think, easy... 467 00:21:25,409 --> 00:21:27,536 way to think about it, and it's this: 468 00:21:27,620 --> 00:21:30,539 There are millions of cheap seats in the world today 469 00:21:31,499 --> 00:21:34,084 filled with people who will never once step foot 470 00:21:34,168 --> 00:21:35,044 in that arena. 471 00:21:35,127 --> 00:21:37,463 They will never once put themselves out there, 472 00:21:37,546 --> 00:21:39,840 but they will make it a full-time job 473 00:21:39,924 --> 00:21:44,720 to hurl criticism and judgment and really hateful things toward us. 474 00:21:45,304 --> 00:21:49,016 And we have got to get out of the habit of catching them 475 00:21:49,099 --> 00:21:52,311 and dissecting and, you know, holding them close to our hearts. 476 00:21:52,394 --> 00:21:54,522 We've gotta let them drop on the floor. 477 00:21:54,605 --> 00:21:58,234 Don't grab that hurtful stuff from the cheap seats and pull it close. 478 00:21:58,317 --> 00:22:00,444 Don't pull it anywhere near your heart. 479 00:22:01,111 --> 00:22:04,949 Just let it fall to the ground. You don't have to stomp it or kick it. 480 00:22:05,032 --> 00:22:07,409 You just gotta step over it and keep going. 481 00:22:08,369 --> 00:22:11,664 You can't take criticism and feedback 482 00:22:11,747 --> 00:22:14,667 from people who are not being brave with their lives. 483 00:22:16,168 --> 00:22:18,128 It just will crush you. 484 00:22:18,921 --> 00:22:21,799 You know, I've been teaching graduate school for 22 years, 485 00:22:22,007 --> 00:22:23,634 and here's what's interesting. 486 00:22:24,844 --> 00:22:29,682 To kind of deal with this huge, 487 00:22:30,224 --> 00:22:33,727 crushing mountain of negativity and vitriol everywhere, 488 00:22:33,811 --> 00:22:35,354 especially social media, 489 00:22:35,437 --> 00:22:38,899 there's this kind of wholesale adoption of "I don't give a shit 490 00:22:38,983 --> 00:22:40,442 what anyone thinks." 491 00:22:40,776 --> 00:22:44,280 How many of you have heard this? How many of you have said it? 492 00:22:44,572 --> 00:22:47,533 -[audience murmurs] -Right. Yes, you do. 493 00:22:48,117 --> 00:22:50,286 -[audience chuckles] -You totally care. 494 00:22:50,369 --> 00:22:53,789 Like, you're neurobiologically hardwired to care what people think. 495 00:22:54,039 --> 00:22:55,708 You have not hacked that. 496 00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:57,668 We care what people think. 497 00:22:57,751 --> 00:23:00,880 The deal is that you have to be very specific 498 00:23:00,963 --> 00:23:03,465 about people whose opinions of you matter. 499 00:23:03,883 --> 00:23:05,968 It's not that you don't give a shit what anyone thinks. 500 00:23:06,051 --> 00:23:08,345 Just don't give a shit what some people think. 501 00:23:08,804 --> 00:23:11,974 -[audience chuckles] -And then really solicit feedback 502 00:23:12,057 --> 00:23:15,019 from the people that do... give you good feedback. 503 00:23:15,102 --> 00:23:16,687 And you know who makes that list? 504 00:23:17,021 --> 00:23:18,564 I'll tell you who should make the list. 505 00:23:18,647 --> 00:23:22,234 People who love you, not despite your imperfection and vulnerability, 506 00:23:22,318 --> 00:23:25,821 but because of your imperfection and vulnerability. Their feedback matters. 507 00:23:25,905 --> 00:23:28,616 Not the "yes" people, but the people who say, "Yeah, 508 00:23:28,991 --> 00:23:30,284 that kind of sucked, 509 00:23:30,367 --> 00:23:32,953 and you were really out of line, and you need to clean that shit up, 510 00:23:33,037 --> 00:23:35,873 and I'll be here cheering you on, but that was not okay." 511 00:23:39,043 --> 00:23:41,170 So, for me, this moment, 512 00:23:41,253 --> 00:23:43,672 this daring greatly moment with Theodore Roosevelt 513 00:23:43,756 --> 00:23:46,383 changed everything, and it really helped me understand 514 00:23:47,134 --> 00:23:50,137 what vulnerability is and what it means to be in the arena-- 515 00:23:50,220 --> 00:23:51,639 to show up and be brave. 516 00:23:53,140 --> 00:23:54,767 I want to tell a story 517 00:23:55,142 --> 00:23:59,980 that gives some color and context to what it means to be vulnerable. 518 00:24:00,064 --> 00:24:03,317 So this is Lake Travis in Austin. 519 00:24:03,609 --> 00:24:06,153 -[audience whoops] -Any Longhorns in the audience? Hook 'em! 520 00:24:07,863 --> 00:24:09,907 I knew I liked you right from the beginning. 521 00:24:09,990 --> 00:24:11,575 -Yes. -[laughs] 522 00:24:11,784 --> 00:24:13,452 So this is my magic lake. This-- 523 00:24:13,535 --> 00:24:16,205 I spent every summer of my childhood on this lake in Austin. 524 00:24:16,288 --> 00:24:18,457 Um, it's where I learned how to, like, 525 00:24:18,540 --> 00:24:21,293 do all the things that, you know, Texas girls learn how to do. 526 00:24:21,377 --> 00:24:24,171 Fish, run a trotline for catfish, 527 00:24:24,338 --> 00:24:26,799 um... shoot BB guns, swim. 528 00:24:26,882 --> 00:24:28,300 I mean, this was my life. 529 00:24:28,384 --> 00:24:30,302 So a couple of years ago, Steve and I decide 530 00:24:30,386 --> 00:24:32,388 that we're gonna pool our vacation for the year 531 00:24:32,471 --> 00:24:34,848 and take one long vacation, 532 00:24:34,932 --> 00:24:37,768 rent a house on Lake Travis, and go. 533 00:24:38,185 --> 00:24:40,396 And I am so excited. So, like, two and a half weeks. 534 00:24:40,479 --> 00:24:43,941 So we rent this big house, we reach out to our families and say, 535 00:24:44,024 --> 00:24:46,193 "We've rented this house. This is where we're gonna be. 536 00:24:46,276 --> 00:24:48,612 If you want to come visit us, do it, 537 00:24:49,113 --> 00:24:50,239 but schedule it on your own." 538 00:24:50,322 --> 00:24:51,824 'Cause my parents are divorced and remarried, 539 00:24:51,907 --> 00:24:53,325 his parents are divorced and remarried. 540 00:24:53,409 --> 00:24:55,995 It's like NASA-level coordinating on stuff like this. 541 00:24:56,745 --> 00:24:58,163 So just, "We're gonna be here." 542 00:24:59,164 --> 00:25:02,835 So it's great. So we're packing, and we always have these-- 543 00:25:02,918 --> 00:25:04,294 Do y'all have these, or are we the only people? 544 00:25:04,378 --> 00:25:05,629 Like, we call them the CTJs. 545 00:25:05,713 --> 00:25:08,757 The vacation CTJ, the vacation come-to-Jesus talk, 546 00:25:08,841 --> 00:25:09,842 before we leave. 547 00:25:09,925 --> 00:25:12,845 -[audience laughs] -Do y'all have these in your lives? 548 00:25:12,928 --> 00:25:16,348 Where you have to level set expectation. Like, I'll give you an example. 549 00:25:16,432 --> 00:25:18,767 This is not this, but this is more recent. 550 00:25:18,851 --> 00:25:21,687 We were going to Disney, and I was packing, and he said, 551 00:25:21,770 --> 00:25:24,815 "I think we need to have our, like, CTJ on Disney." 552 00:25:24,898 --> 00:25:25,733 And I was like, 553 00:25:26,316 --> 00:25:27,609 "Why?" And he said, 554 00:25:28,235 --> 00:25:31,113 "You've got five books, man. What are you doing with these?" 555 00:25:31,196 --> 00:25:32,906 And he-- I'm like, "I'm taking them to vacation. 556 00:25:32,990 --> 00:25:35,325 Do you know how long it's been since I've read good fiction?" 557 00:25:35,617 --> 00:25:38,078 He goes, "You ain't reading nothing for the next four days 558 00:25:38,162 --> 00:25:40,998 but 'too tall to ride,' 'too short to ride.'" 559 00:25:41,081 --> 00:25:43,000 -[audience laughs] -I was like, "What?" 560 00:25:43,417 --> 00:25:45,377 And he was like, "You won't be in the hotel reading. 561 00:25:45,461 --> 00:25:47,421 We're taking, like, five kids to Disney." 562 00:25:48,005 --> 00:25:50,049 So this was our CTJ for Lake Travis. 563 00:25:50,132 --> 00:25:52,676 We're like, "Two and a half weeks. How do you do a vacation that long?" 564 00:25:52,760 --> 00:25:55,596 We'd never been on a long vacation. He's like, "First of all, 565 00:25:56,221 --> 00:25:57,681 there's gotta be rules for the kids." 566 00:25:58,098 --> 00:26:00,100 If we just, like, go crazy on normal vacation, 567 00:26:00,184 --> 00:26:01,935 and let them do screen time and stay up late, 568 00:26:02,019 --> 00:26:03,896 they'll be feral by the time we get back. 569 00:26:03,979 --> 00:26:08,650 So we gotta have, like, limited screen time, early bedtime. 570 00:26:08,734 --> 00:26:10,861 And then I started to get the bug, and I'm like, 571 00:26:11,028 --> 00:26:12,905 "We're gonna do a healthy vacation. 572 00:26:12,988 --> 00:26:15,908 We're gonna do, like, a healthy family vacation. 573 00:26:15,991 --> 00:26:18,869 And we're gonna cook, and we're not gonna eat a lot of crap, 574 00:26:18,952 --> 00:26:20,537 and we're gonna work out every day. 575 00:26:20,621 --> 00:26:21,997 [audience laughs] 576 00:26:22,081 --> 00:26:23,957 And he's like, "I love it." 577 00:26:24,041 --> 00:26:25,584 So we decide to swim every day. 578 00:26:25,667 --> 00:26:27,711 We're gonna swim this cove every day. And so, 579 00:26:28,087 --> 00:26:31,799 we met coaching swimming. We're both ex-competitive swimmers. 580 00:26:31,882 --> 00:26:34,051 He still swims competitively. 581 00:26:34,134 --> 00:26:35,594 I'm a shame researcher. 582 00:26:35,969 --> 00:26:37,846 [audience laughs] 583 00:26:37,930 --> 00:26:42,059 And so, I was like, "But I can do it." Like, I can do this. Right? 584 00:26:42,601 --> 00:26:43,435 So... 585 00:26:44,478 --> 00:26:47,189 you know, I dig in the back of my drawer for the old Speedo. 586 00:26:47,272 --> 00:26:48,690 I'm like, hm. 587 00:26:49,983 --> 00:26:50,818 Hm. 588 00:26:51,527 --> 00:26:52,653 Okay. 589 00:26:52,736 --> 00:26:54,863 So I get it, the goggles, my cap. 590 00:26:54,947 --> 00:26:57,074 So one morning, we head to the lake, 591 00:26:57,157 --> 00:26:59,868 and it is beautiful outside, and it's early. 592 00:26:59,952 --> 00:27:03,288 The sun's coming up. Gorgeous rock, turquoise water. 593 00:27:03,831 --> 00:27:06,166 We dive in. The kids are upstairs sleeping. 594 00:27:06,250 --> 00:27:08,377 My sisters are there. Their kids are upstairs sleeping. 595 00:27:09,128 --> 00:27:11,380 We start swimming, and I'm just like, 596 00:27:11,463 --> 00:27:14,341 "Oh, my God. This is like if-- if you die and you're good your whole life, 597 00:27:14,424 --> 00:27:17,427 this is where you go, right here. Lake Travis with your man. 598 00:27:17,511 --> 00:27:18,679 Like, this is it." 599 00:27:18,762 --> 00:27:19,972 [audience chuckles] 600 00:27:20,055 --> 00:27:23,308 And we stop about halfway across 'cause, you know, open water swimming, 601 00:27:23,392 --> 00:27:25,602 you're looking for boats, you're looking for those things. 602 00:27:25,978 --> 00:27:29,606 And all of a sudden, I catch Steve's eye. Now I'm gonna have to, like-- 603 00:27:29,690 --> 00:27:31,900 Can I use you as my person? 604 00:27:33,026 --> 00:27:34,653 Yes? Great. Tell me your name. 605 00:27:34,736 --> 00:27:36,363 -[man] Samuel. -Samuel. 606 00:27:36,446 --> 00:27:39,074 So we're about-- Raise your hand, Samuel, for the people in the back. 607 00:27:39,158 --> 00:27:40,159 Okay. 608 00:27:40,242 --> 00:27:42,870 So we're about this far apart, and I'm like... 609 00:27:44,663 --> 00:27:46,623 "I'm just gonna-- Steve?" And he goes, "Yeah?" 610 00:27:46,707 --> 00:27:48,834 And I said, "I feel so connected to you. 611 00:27:48,917 --> 00:27:53,046 I'm so glad that we're spending this time together doing this." 612 00:27:53,839 --> 00:27:56,341 And he looks back at me, and he goes, "Yeah, water's good," 613 00:27:56,425 --> 00:27:57,968 and he keeps swimming. 614 00:27:58,051 --> 00:28:00,012 [audience laughs] 615 00:28:01,722 --> 00:28:03,473 Yeah. [chuckles softly] 616 00:28:05,142 --> 00:28:07,561 Oh, boy! So... 617 00:28:08,061 --> 00:28:11,023 my first thought, literally, is this. 618 00:28:11,106 --> 00:28:13,233 I'm embarrassed to share it with you, but I will. 619 00:28:13,984 --> 00:28:17,487 -"He is so overwhelmed with love for me." -[audience laughs] 620 00:28:17,988 --> 00:28:21,325 That is my first thought, that he is not functioning. 621 00:28:21,408 --> 00:28:22,492 Like, he is-- 622 00:28:22,576 --> 00:28:24,870 Like, I'm actually thinking to myself, 623 00:28:25,287 --> 00:28:28,957 "I hope he's safe in this deep water with this feeling." 624 00:28:29,875 --> 00:28:32,544 'Cause it was like he couldn't process it, and-- 625 00:28:33,045 --> 00:28:35,797 And I have to be honest with you. He is a very courageous guy, 626 00:28:35,881 --> 00:28:38,800 and he is much more likely to say that in our relationship 627 00:28:38,884 --> 00:28:40,427 than I am to say that. 628 00:28:40,510 --> 00:28:43,096 He's much more likely to go there and be that connecting, 629 00:28:43,180 --> 00:28:44,431 and I'm not. 630 00:28:44,848 --> 00:28:47,935 I mean, I'm nice, but I'm not, you know, I'm not like that. 631 00:28:48,560 --> 00:28:51,188 And it was a big reach for me, so I thought, "That overwhelmed him." 632 00:28:51,271 --> 00:28:54,149 He was like, "Man, I gotta keep swimming." Um... 633 00:28:54,691 --> 00:28:56,568 So we get to the other end, and it's not like, it's like-- 634 00:28:56,652 --> 00:28:59,029 You're not gonna do a flip turn. It's just like mossy and stuff. 635 00:28:59,112 --> 00:29:00,489 And so, you just kinda turn around. 636 00:29:00,864 --> 00:29:03,408 And we start swimming back, 637 00:29:03,700 --> 00:29:05,369 and now all of a sudden, 638 00:29:05,702 --> 00:29:07,663 we're about this far from each other. 639 00:29:07,746 --> 00:29:09,748 Raise your hand, Samuel, for the people in the back. 640 00:29:09,831 --> 00:29:11,458 Okay, so we're close now. 641 00:29:11,541 --> 00:29:13,126 And I think to myself, 642 00:29:13,710 --> 00:29:15,128 "Should I go back in? 643 00:29:15,462 --> 00:29:17,089 Should I try it again?" 644 00:29:17,589 --> 00:29:19,591 And this is really funny because I tell this story-- 645 00:29:19,675 --> 00:29:21,843 When I tell this story on the East Coast... 646 00:29:22,177 --> 00:29:24,471 It's rhetorical, this question. Like, "Should I go back in?" 647 00:29:24,554 --> 00:29:28,725 I'm telling you what I was thinking. I was thinking, "Should I go back in?" 648 00:29:29,059 --> 00:29:31,436 But for some reason, in New York, Boston, 649 00:29:31,520 --> 00:29:34,648 these people feel compelled to be like, "No! No! 650 00:29:35,649 --> 00:29:38,402 -No, ma'am! -[audience laughs] 651 00:29:38,485 --> 00:29:42,364 No! That's bullshit. Do not go back there. Uh-uh. 652 00:29:43,365 --> 00:29:44,199 No." 653 00:29:44,866 --> 00:29:46,034 But then... 654 00:29:46,660 --> 00:29:48,287 I'm gonna tell you what's worse. 655 00:29:49,162 --> 00:29:50,622 In California, 656 00:29:50,914 --> 00:29:51,915 people do this... 657 00:29:51,999 --> 00:29:54,876 Almost every time I do this in California, someone goes... 658 00:29:55,627 --> 00:29:58,088 [audience laughs] 659 00:30:00,257 --> 00:30:02,259 [mouthing] 660 00:30:09,224 --> 00:30:12,394 That shit makes me uncomfortable. No, it does. 661 00:30:12,477 --> 00:30:15,230 It makes me uncomfortable, and it makes me charge extra 662 00:30:15,314 --> 00:30:16,481 to come to California. 663 00:30:16,565 --> 00:30:18,358 Like, I don't like that. 664 00:30:18,650 --> 00:30:20,193 But on this particular day, 665 00:30:20,861 --> 00:30:22,738 'cause Samuel and I are so connected, 666 00:30:23,238 --> 00:30:26,783 I said, "I'm gonna get my California on, and I'm gonna go back in." 667 00:30:27,367 --> 00:30:29,036 So we're this far apart, 668 00:30:29,119 --> 00:30:31,663 and I'm like, "Hey!" And he's like... 669 00:30:31,747 --> 00:30:33,790 And I said, "I feel really close to you. 670 00:30:33,874 --> 00:30:36,126 This is a really... This is a really special moment. 671 00:30:36,209 --> 00:30:38,211 Like, I love doing this with you." 672 00:30:38,795 --> 00:30:41,923 And he looks at me, and he goes, "Water's good," and he keeps swimming. 673 00:30:42,007 --> 00:30:44,009 [audience laughs] 674 00:30:47,012 --> 00:30:48,722 I'm pissed off now. 675 00:30:48,805 --> 00:30:51,350 Like, I am so mad. 676 00:30:53,143 --> 00:30:56,980 So the thing about midlife that's so great-- 677 00:30:57,064 --> 00:30:59,358 For those of you in your 30s, don't fear. 678 00:30:59,441 --> 00:31:02,110 -[audience laughs] -The thing about midlife that's so great 679 00:31:02,194 --> 00:31:04,780 is you can actually, in situations like this, 680 00:31:04,863 --> 00:31:06,490 play the tape to the end. 681 00:31:06,865 --> 00:31:08,075 Like, you know what's gonna happen. 682 00:31:08,158 --> 00:31:10,369 Like, you can play the movie all the way to the end 683 00:31:10,452 --> 00:31:11,703 and make changes accordingly. 684 00:31:13,413 --> 00:31:14,873 So I know how this is gonna end. 685 00:31:14,956 --> 00:31:17,959 Like, let me ask this. There's a lot of men here tonight. 686 00:31:18,043 --> 00:31:21,713 How many men in the audience are familiar with the term "payback"? 687 00:31:21,797 --> 00:31:23,298 [audience laughs] 688 00:31:23,382 --> 00:31:24,883 Let's see a show of hands. 689 00:31:25,717 --> 00:31:27,844 What's your familiarity? Yeah. 690 00:31:28,345 --> 00:31:30,180 This guy's like-- I see you. 691 00:31:30,263 --> 00:31:32,891 You're not raising your hand, but you're thinking, "Yeah, I know it." 692 00:31:32,974 --> 00:31:34,851 -Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. -[inaudible] 693 00:31:35,227 --> 00:31:36,853 So here's I know how it's gonna end. 694 00:31:36,937 --> 00:31:38,897 So I will, like-- 695 00:31:38,980 --> 00:31:41,525 I will go into complete pissed-off mode. 696 00:31:41,942 --> 00:31:46,113 I will beat him back to the dock, fueled by nothing but rage and fury. 697 00:31:47,531 --> 00:31:51,576 We will get upstairs. We'll be drying off. We'll be in the kitchen, and he'll go, 698 00:31:52,119 --> 00:31:54,454 "Hey, babe. What's for breakfast?" 699 00:31:56,498 --> 00:31:58,917 And I'll say, "I don't know, babe. 700 00:31:59,000 --> 00:32:01,420 Let me ask the breakfast fairy. Breakfast fairy! 701 00:32:01,503 --> 00:32:03,422 [audience laughs] 702 00:32:03,505 --> 00:32:05,257 Hey, breakfast fairy. 703 00:32:05,632 --> 00:32:06,842 It's Brené. 704 00:32:07,384 --> 00:32:08,760 What's for breakfast? 705 00:32:10,929 --> 00:32:13,640 Oh, I'm sorry, Steve. I forgot how vacation works. 706 00:32:13,723 --> 00:32:15,183 I'm in charge of breakfast 707 00:32:15,267 --> 00:32:17,936 and lunch, and dinner, and packing, and unpacking, 708 00:32:18,395 --> 00:32:21,022 and laundry, and sunscreen, and towels, 709 00:32:21,690 --> 00:32:22,941 and bug spray." 710 00:32:23,024 --> 00:32:24,151 Look, these-- 711 00:32:25,068 --> 00:32:26,611 [audience laughs] 712 00:32:26,695 --> 00:32:29,364 I'm gonna hang out with this whole crew after this is over. 713 00:32:29,448 --> 00:32:31,408 The crew going like this. "Mm-hmm." 714 00:32:31,491 --> 00:32:33,326 That's how vacation works. Yes or no? 715 00:32:33,577 --> 00:32:35,078 -[audience] Yes! -[Brené] Yeah. 716 00:32:35,537 --> 00:32:37,789 And the worst thing is, halfway during this, 717 00:32:37,873 --> 00:32:39,249 Steve will go like this... 718 00:32:41,209 --> 00:32:43,128 [audience laughs] 719 00:32:43,211 --> 00:32:44,754 "Did something happen?" 720 00:32:47,507 --> 00:32:49,134 And so... [laughing] 721 00:32:49,217 --> 00:32:52,846 I'm like, "I know this story. I've lived it a thousand times. 722 00:32:52,929 --> 00:32:55,015 This shit is not happening at my magic lake." 723 00:32:55,098 --> 00:32:58,935 And so, I actually do beat him to the dock, 724 00:32:59,603 --> 00:33:01,188 again, fueled by fury, 725 00:33:02,105 --> 00:33:03,899 and when he gets to the dock, 726 00:33:04,608 --> 00:33:07,152 I look at him, and I'm in 30 feet deep at this thing. 727 00:33:07,235 --> 00:33:09,404 Like, so we're, like, treading water, right? 728 00:33:09,488 --> 00:33:11,239 And I said, "What's going on? 729 00:33:11,323 --> 00:33:13,492 I'm trying to reach out and connect with you, 730 00:33:13,575 --> 00:33:16,995 and you're blowing me off. Like, what is happening?" 731 00:33:17,746 --> 00:33:19,247 And he kind of turns around, 732 00:33:19,331 --> 00:33:20,957 and then he turns back toward me, and he goes, 733 00:33:21,374 --> 00:33:23,251 "I don't want to do this with you." 734 00:33:24,002 --> 00:33:25,545 And, of course, I'm like... 735 00:33:25,629 --> 00:33:29,007 -[roars slowly] -[audience laughs] 736 00:33:29,090 --> 00:33:30,967 [Brené] 'Cause I'm thinking, like... 737 00:33:31,384 --> 00:33:34,137 Actually, you wanna know actually what I'm thinking? 738 00:33:34,262 --> 00:33:35,096 I'm thinking, 739 00:33:35,680 --> 00:33:38,558 "If I find out we're getting a divorce in a swimsuit, 740 00:33:38,642 --> 00:33:40,560 I'm gonna frickin' kill somebody," 741 00:33:40,644 --> 00:33:43,188 is what I'm thinking. That's what I'm actually thinking. 742 00:33:43,647 --> 00:33:46,149 Um, I'm like, "What do you mean, you don't want to do this?" 743 00:33:46,233 --> 00:33:48,735 And he goes, "I don't want to have this conversation with you now." 744 00:33:48,818 --> 00:33:50,570 I'm like, "Oh, tough shit." 745 00:33:50,654 --> 00:33:53,365 I'm like, "Okay. We gotta do this, Steve." 746 00:33:53,740 --> 00:33:56,826 And he starts to get out of the water. I'm like, "Can you please get back in?" 747 00:33:56,910 --> 00:33:58,912 So he gets back in the water, and I'm like, 748 00:33:59,162 --> 00:34:00,789 "I don't understand what's happening." 749 00:34:00,872 --> 00:34:03,041 And he's just not looking at me, and it's weird. 750 00:34:03,500 --> 00:34:05,877 And then I go to this place... 751 00:34:06,253 --> 00:34:09,214 You know, when all else fails, I go back to the data. 752 00:34:09,589 --> 00:34:10,966 I keep thinking about this sentence 753 00:34:11,049 --> 00:34:14,302 that's been in my research for, like, 15 years. 754 00:34:15,178 --> 00:34:17,264 It never saturated-- like, that's our kinda code word 755 00:34:17,347 --> 00:34:19,182 for "it didn't come up enough to write about it"-- 756 00:34:19,266 --> 00:34:21,560 until I wrote Rising Strong. 757 00:34:21,643 --> 00:34:24,563 And when we were interviewing to understand resilience, 758 00:34:24,646 --> 00:34:29,276 the most resilient participants that we've met across all these years 759 00:34:29,359 --> 00:34:30,986 had this sentence in common. 760 00:34:31,069 --> 00:34:33,238 They all used some form of this sentence. 761 00:34:33,321 --> 00:34:36,283 And it has become-- I'm telling you, this is a magic sentence. 762 00:34:36,366 --> 00:34:40,495 It's a simple sentence. It's just the story I'm telling myself. 763 00:34:41,204 --> 00:34:42,831 Because when something hard happens, 764 00:34:42,914 --> 00:34:47,586 our brain, which is wired to protect us above all else, wants a story. 765 00:34:47,669 --> 00:34:49,504 It understands story and narrative pattern, 766 00:34:50,171 --> 00:34:53,800 and it says, "Give me a story so I can understand how to protect you." 767 00:34:53,883 --> 00:34:57,178 And it doesn't want a story that's like, "Well, I'm not sure. And..." 768 00:34:57,637 --> 00:34:58,722 You know, that's not useful. 769 00:34:58,805 --> 00:35:02,225 It wants, like, bad guy, good guy, safe, dangerous, against you, for you. 770 00:35:02,767 --> 00:35:05,145 And so we make up these stories. 771 00:35:05,604 --> 00:35:07,939 How many of you get the three dots on text 772 00:35:08,356 --> 00:35:10,108 and then it goes away, 773 00:35:10,191 --> 00:35:11,651 and then you make up a story? 774 00:35:11,735 --> 00:35:14,029 [audience laughs, applauds] 775 00:35:14,112 --> 00:35:15,280 [Brené] Right. Yeah. Right. 776 00:35:18,033 --> 00:35:21,119 So I look at Steve, and I said, 777 00:35:21,620 --> 00:35:25,624 "The story I'm making up right now is one of two things just happened." 778 00:35:25,707 --> 00:35:28,418 And--- And in all fairness, you're gonna want to laugh, 779 00:35:28,501 --> 00:35:30,712 but before I tell you, I'm gonna ask you not to laugh. 780 00:35:30,795 --> 00:35:32,297 'Cause I'm gonna ask you to take a deep breath... 781 00:35:32,380 --> 00:35:33,590 [audience inhales] 782 00:35:33,673 --> 00:35:34,966 ...and think about this: 783 00:35:35,050 --> 00:35:37,719 When you make an emotional bid for connection with someone, 784 00:35:37,802 --> 00:35:39,512 and you're pushed away, 785 00:35:39,596 --> 00:35:41,598 what is the thing that you feel? 786 00:35:42,932 --> 00:35:44,059 [audience] Rejection. 787 00:35:44,142 --> 00:35:46,144 Rejection, shame, fear, loneliness. 788 00:35:46,227 --> 00:35:48,563 Like, I am hurting when I say this. 789 00:35:48,647 --> 00:35:53,652 So I look at Steve, and I say, "Look... the story I'm making up right now 790 00:35:53,735 --> 00:35:57,697 is either you looked over at me while we were swimming and thought, 791 00:35:58,156 --> 00:35:59,157 'God... 792 00:35:59,574 --> 00:36:02,160 where's the girl I married 25 years ago? 793 00:36:02,243 --> 00:36:04,788 Like, you're old. You don't even know how to swim anymore.' 794 00:36:05,205 --> 00:36:07,540 Or you looked over at me and thought, 795 00:36:07,624 --> 00:36:09,417 'Jeez, man. She does not rock a Speedo 796 00:36:09,501 --> 00:36:11,503 like she did two decades and two kids ago.' 797 00:36:11,586 --> 00:36:14,047 Like, that's what I'm telling myself right now, Steve. 798 00:36:14,130 --> 00:36:15,423 Like, so what's going on?" 799 00:36:17,050 --> 00:36:18,093 And he looks at me, and he said, 800 00:36:18,176 --> 00:36:20,679 "Look, I don't mind taking care of the kids, Brené." 801 00:36:20,762 --> 00:36:21,930 And I was like, "What?" 802 00:36:22,013 --> 00:36:23,431 He said, "I don't mind taking care of the kids. 803 00:36:23,515 --> 00:36:25,975 I know the kids want to spend all day 804 00:36:26,059 --> 00:36:28,311 back and forth across this cove 805 00:36:28,395 --> 00:36:31,106 because the pirate's treasure is on the other side. 806 00:36:31,189 --> 00:36:33,024 I'll take all six of them back and forth. 807 00:36:33,108 --> 00:36:34,317 I don't mind." 808 00:36:34,776 --> 00:36:38,113 And, like, my first thought is, "There's been a neurological event." 809 00:36:38,196 --> 00:36:39,030 [audience laughs] 810 00:36:40,198 --> 00:36:42,534 Which explains a lot of what's happening. 811 00:36:45,036 --> 00:36:46,204 So I'm like... 812 00:36:47,372 --> 00:36:49,833 I'm-- [chuckles] I'm scared a little bit. And I'm like, 813 00:36:50,083 --> 00:36:53,670 -"Say more. Um..." -[audience laughs] 814 00:36:54,879 --> 00:36:58,007 Resisting to go into, like, "Can you count backwards from by sevens?" 815 00:36:58,091 --> 00:36:59,926 Like-- Like-- Going into, like... 816 00:37:00,802 --> 00:37:02,846 a full-on intake process. 817 00:37:03,179 --> 00:37:05,598 Um, and I was like, "Say more," and he said, 818 00:37:05,682 --> 00:37:07,308 "Look, I don't mind taking them. I get it. 819 00:37:07,392 --> 00:37:09,644 Like, you get to spend time with your sisters. 820 00:37:09,728 --> 00:37:11,438 The other dads are not great swimmers. 821 00:37:11,521 --> 00:37:13,982 I don't mind taking them across." And I'm, like, "Okay. 822 00:37:14,065 --> 00:37:16,860 I am freaking out right now. What is going on?" 823 00:37:16,943 --> 00:37:18,361 And he said, "Brené, I don't know. 824 00:37:18,445 --> 00:37:21,239 I don't know what you were saying to me in the water. 825 00:37:21,322 --> 00:37:24,159 I was just fending off a panic attack 826 00:37:24,242 --> 00:37:25,869 and counting strokes." 827 00:37:26,619 --> 00:37:29,330 And I said, "What?" And he goes, "I was just counting strokes, Brené. 828 00:37:29,414 --> 00:37:32,000 I was just counting strokes. Fending off a panic attack. 829 00:37:32,083 --> 00:37:34,377 I don't know what you were saying to me in the water." 830 00:37:35,044 --> 00:37:39,299 And so, all of a sudden-- I'm starting to try to process everything. 831 00:37:39,382 --> 00:37:42,260 Any competitive swimmers here, ex-competitive swimmers? 832 00:37:42,343 --> 00:37:43,720 You know how when you learn-- 833 00:37:43,803 --> 00:37:46,306 You know, when you're a swimmer, and you're in a pool, 834 00:37:46,389 --> 00:37:50,018 and then all of a sudden you're in a lake, it's anxiety-producing 835 00:37:50,101 --> 00:37:53,062 because you-- It's not like a pool with a black stripe, and you see which-- 836 00:37:53,146 --> 00:37:56,149 It's like, release the Kraken. Like, you don't know what's in there. 837 00:37:56,232 --> 00:37:58,026 You lose your sense of control. 838 00:37:58,109 --> 00:37:59,778 When you have anxiety and you're swimming, 839 00:37:59,861 --> 00:38:01,696 you usually just count strokes or count breaths. 840 00:38:02,155 --> 00:38:02,989 So I'm like, 841 00:38:03,615 --> 00:38:06,868 "Why-- Why are you counting strokes? Why-- What's the panic attack about?" 842 00:38:06,951 --> 00:38:10,580 And he said, "I had a dream last night that I had all six of the kids, 843 00:38:10,663 --> 00:38:13,958 we were halfway across the cove, and a ski boat came, 844 00:38:14,042 --> 00:38:15,960 and I waved it off, and it didn't slow down, 845 00:38:16,044 --> 00:38:17,921 and I waved it off, and it didn't slow down again, 846 00:38:18,004 --> 00:38:19,839 and it was coming straight at me and the kids, 847 00:38:19,923 --> 00:38:22,801 so I grabbed all the kids, and I went as deep as I could go, 848 00:38:22,884 --> 00:38:26,304 and I stayed there and stayed there, waiting for that boat to pass 849 00:38:26,387 --> 00:38:28,765 'cause I knew it would kill us if it hit us. 850 00:38:29,307 --> 00:38:32,560 And I just was waiting, and then I looked at Charlie, 851 00:38:32,644 --> 00:38:37,065 our son, and knew that if we stayed two seconds longer, he would drown. 852 00:38:37,899 --> 00:38:40,235 And so I don't know what you were saying to me. 853 00:38:40,318 --> 00:38:42,403 I was just fighting off a panic attack." 854 00:38:43,738 --> 00:38:45,198 And so this made complete sense to me 855 00:38:45,281 --> 00:38:47,826 because we had arrived at the lake on a Monday, 856 00:38:47,909 --> 00:38:49,786 and this was our first weekend at the lake. 857 00:38:49,869 --> 00:38:51,162 And we had gone to bed that night 858 00:38:51,246 --> 00:38:54,457 talking about, "Hey, let's not tube or do anything like that. 859 00:38:54,541 --> 00:38:57,418 Let's stay off the lake 'cause the boating and drinking is so bad. 860 00:38:57,502 --> 00:38:58,670 And let's just stay close." 861 00:38:58,753 --> 00:39:02,006 And we had gone to sleep talking about that, so that made sense to me. 862 00:39:02,674 --> 00:39:05,134 So I looked at him, and I was like, 863 00:39:05,802 --> 00:39:09,222 "Oh, my God. I'm so glad you shared that with me. Thank you." 864 00:39:09,305 --> 00:39:11,057 And he goes, "Bullshit." 865 00:39:11,516 --> 00:39:13,768 -[audience laughs] -[Brené] And I was like, "What?" 866 00:39:13,852 --> 00:39:15,144 And he said, "Bullshit. 867 00:39:15,228 --> 00:39:18,857 And don't start quoting your research on men and shame to me, either. 868 00:39:19,148 --> 00:39:21,317 That's bullshit. Here's what you want. 869 00:39:21,401 --> 00:39:23,695 You want the guy that, when the speedboat comes, 870 00:39:23,778 --> 00:39:25,238 he takes all six of the kids, 871 00:39:26,447 --> 00:39:29,242 throws them, then swims so fast, catches them, 872 00:39:29,617 --> 00:39:31,536 sets them down on the rock 873 00:39:31,953 --> 00:39:34,497 and then looks across the lake at you and goes, 874 00:39:34,581 --> 00:39:36,958 'Don't worry,  little lady. I've got this.'" 875 00:39:37,625 --> 00:39:39,544 He's like, "That's what you want." 876 00:39:41,212 --> 00:39:43,923 And I was like, "Oh, my God." I mean... 877 00:39:44,924 --> 00:39:47,802 We're in the perfect shame dance now, right? 878 00:39:49,554 --> 00:39:51,639 So when you think about feminine norms, 879 00:39:51,723 --> 00:39:55,143 what's the number one shame trigger around feminine norms? 880 00:39:55,226 --> 00:39:59,522 -[audience members speak indistinctly] -Body image. Appearance and body image. 881 00:39:59,606 --> 00:40:02,567 And for masculine norms, it's don't be perceived as what? 882 00:40:02,984 --> 00:40:04,694 -[audience] Weak. -[Brené] Right. 883 00:40:04,777 --> 00:40:07,322 So here we are, in this complete... 884 00:40:07,864 --> 00:40:10,491 shame lockdown, right? 885 00:40:11,784 --> 00:40:13,077 And so I look at him-- 886 00:40:13,161 --> 00:40:15,330 And, you know, I often say about these situations, 887 00:40:15,413 --> 00:40:17,498 "You show me a woman who can sit with a man 888 00:40:17,582 --> 00:40:21,169 in real shame and fear and vulnerability 889 00:40:21,544 --> 00:40:22,879 and just be with him, 890 00:40:22,962 --> 00:40:25,214 I'll show you a woman who's done her work 891 00:40:25,590 --> 00:40:28,593 and doesn't derive her status or power from that guy. 892 00:40:29,135 --> 00:40:30,428 -You show me a guy-- -[man] Whoo! 893 00:40:30,511 --> 00:40:31,512 Yeah. 894 00:40:31,596 --> 00:40:33,431 -That's a whoo, right? Yes. -[man] Yeah. 895 00:40:33,514 --> 00:40:35,642 -[audience laughs] -[Brené] It is a whoo. It's whoo-worthy. 896 00:40:35,725 --> 00:40:36,851 Yeah, I like it. 897 00:40:37,143 --> 00:40:39,145 You show me a guy who can sit with a woman 898 00:40:39,228 --> 00:40:41,522 who's in real shame and fear and vulnerability 899 00:40:41,606 --> 00:40:43,441 and not fix anything 900 00:40:43,733 --> 00:40:45,276 but just listen. 901 00:40:45,610 --> 00:40:47,195 I'll show you a guy... 902 00:40:48,029 --> 00:40:50,823 who's done his work and doesn't derive his power and status 903 00:40:50,907 --> 00:40:53,952 from being Oz, the fixer of all things. 904 00:40:54,702 --> 00:40:56,829 You know? We got work to do, right? 905 00:40:57,205 --> 00:40:59,624 So I looked at Steve, and this was the hard part, 906 00:40:59,707 --> 00:41:02,460 'cause I knew I had to be honest, and I said, "Look, ten years ago, 907 00:41:02,543 --> 00:41:05,046 I would have said the right thing based on the research. 908 00:41:05,129 --> 00:41:08,257 And then, one or two days later, when you were not suspecting it, 909 00:41:08,591 --> 00:41:10,677 you would have said, 'Hey, I'm taking the kids tubing.' 910 00:41:10,760 --> 00:41:13,513 And I would have said, 'Are you sure you're feeling up to it?'" 911 00:41:15,556 --> 00:41:16,683 Which is crushing, right? 912 00:41:19,143 --> 00:41:23,690 We usually reserve using people's vulnerability against them 913 00:41:23,773 --> 00:41:25,566 for the people we love the most. 914 00:41:26,484 --> 00:41:28,194 Why? Because... 915 00:41:28,903 --> 00:41:30,905 I mean, to be honest with you, 916 00:41:30,989 --> 00:41:34,659 I wasn't raised with a father who modeled what vulnerability looked like in guys, 917 00:41:35,410 --> 00:41:36,869 and it scares me. 918 00:41:37,328 --> 00:41:40,999 And that's why. We're scared when we see vulnerability in other people. 919 00:41:41,082 --> 00:41:42,875 To be honest with you, we're just scared. 920 00:41:43,710 --> 00:41:45,378 And I said, "I would have done that to you, 921 00:41:45,461 --> 00:41:49,465 and God, if I start making amends now, and we're together for another 30 years, 922 00:41:49,549 --> 00:41:50,842 it'll probably take me that long. 923 00:41:50,925 --> 00:41:54,512 And, I guess, the most meaningful thing I can do is not do that. 924 00:41:55,013 --> 00:41:56,514 Five years ago, I would've said the right thing, 925 00:41:56,597 --> 00:42:00,268 and I think I would've maybe done the right thing, but today, Steve, 926 00:42:00,351 --> 00:42:03,021 you are the most important thing in my life. 927 00:42:04,355 --> 00:42:07,734 And to be able to see you and know you is the greatest privilege of my life, 928 00:42:07,817 --> 00:42:11,571 and to be seen by you is the most important thing in my life. 929 00:42:11,821 --> 00:42:13,322 We are all we have." 930 00:42:15,074 --> 00:42:17,869 How many of you want more love, intimacy... 931 00:42:18,411 --> 00:42:20,163 in your lives? Joy? 932 00:42:20,913 --> 00:42:22,749 You can't have that 933 00:42:22,832 --> 00:42:24,751 if you don't let yourself be seen. 934 00:42:24,834 --> 00:42:28,129 How can you let yourself be loved if you can't be seen? 935 00:42:28,212 --> 00:42:29,422 -Does that make sense? -[audience] Yes. 936 00:42:30,214 --> 00:42:32,258 Vulnerability is the path back to each other, 937 00:42:32,341 --> 00:42:34,510 but we're so afraid to get on it. 938 00:42:35,636 --> 00:42:37,513 You know, and we end up hurting each other a lot, 939 00:42:37,764 --> 00:42:40,933 and for me, that day changed everything in our marriage. 940 00:42:41,517 --> 00:42:42,769 For one, I don't think we've had a fight 941 00:42:42,852 --> 00:42:45,354 since that day where we don't say, "The story I'm telling myself," 942 00:42:45,438 --> 00:42:48,441 even if it's like, [angrily] "The story I'm telling myself." 943 00:42:48,524 --> 00:42:50,318 -[audience laughs] -[Brené] Um... 944 00:42:50,985 --> 00:42:52,028 For me, it was a great story 945 00:42:52,111 --> 00:42:53,696 'cause, it ended up, then we went upstairs, 946 00:42:53,780 --> 00:42:55,740 he popped me on the butt with a towel. 947 00:42:56,240 --> 00:42:58,242 He said, "I love you. I see you. 948 00:42:58,326 --> 00:43:00,828 You still rock the Speedo," which is love. 949 00:43:00,912 --> 00:43:02,038 -[audience laughs] -Um... 950 00:43:02,121 --> 00:43:03,790 It's total love. 951 00:43:04,582 --> 00:43:08,252 We want it so bad, but we're so afraid 952 00:43:08,711 --> 00:43:10,213 to let ourselves be seen, 953 00:43:10,671 --> 00:43:12,548 and we're so afraid to see people. 954 00:43:12,965 --> 00:43:14,801 But again, it's the only way back. 955 00:43:15,384 --> 00:43:19,388 So let's look at some of the real, concrete issues around vulnerability. 956 00:43:19,472 --> 00:43:21,724 So the thing that we tell ourselves is, 957 00:43:21,808 --> 00:43:23,643 "Why do you want me to be vulnerable? 958 00:43:23,726 --> 00:43:27,814 Vulnerability is like the gooey center of hard emotion. 959 00:43:27,897 --> 00:43:32,235 Shame, fear, grief, scarcity. Why should I do that? Why should I-- 960 00:43:32,318 --> 00:43:33,361 Why should I feel them, 961 00:43:33,444 --> 00:43:35,571 and why should I let other people see them? Like, 962 00:43:35,655 --> 00:43:38,866 I don't want to vulnerable. I want to armor up. 963 00:43:38,950 --> 00:43:40,535 I want to stay protected." 964 00:43:40,618 --> 00:43:42,495 Here's the problem with the armor. 965 00:43:42,578 --> 00:43:44,455 The problem with the armor is that vulnerability, 966 00:43:44,539 --> 00:43:47,500 yeah, is totally the center of these, 967 00:43:47,583 --> 00:43:50,378 but it's also the birthplace of these... 968 00:43:51,963 --> 00:43:53,631 How many of you love someone? 969 00:43:55,341 --> 00:43:56,342 Right. 970 00:43:58,094 --> 00:43:59,804 Are you 100% sure... 971 00:44:00,721 --> 00:44:04,809 that person will always love you back? Will never leave? Will never get sick? 972 00:44:05,184 --> 00:44:07,645 How many of you have ever buried someone you love? 973 00:44:08,729 --> 00:44:10,857 How many of you have lost someone you love? 974 00:44:12,984 --> 00:44:17,280 To love is to be vulnerable. To give someone your heart and say, 975 00:44:19,031 --> 00:44:21,993 "I know this could hurt so bad, but I'm willing to do it. 976 00:44:22,076 --> 00:44:24,203 I'm willing to be vulnerable and love you." 977 00:44:25,079 --> 00:44:27,832 And there is an increasing number of people in the world today 978 00:44:27,915 --> 00:44:30,001 that are not willing to take that risk. 979 00:44:30,501 --> 00:44:32,295 They'd rather never know love 980 00:44:32,837 --> 00:44:33,880 than to know hurt... 981 00:44:34,630 --> 00:44:38,467 or grief, and that is a huge price to pay. 982 00:44:38,968 --> 00:44:40,094 Belonging. 983 00:44:40,178 --> 00:44:41,470 We're wired for love. 984 00:44:41,554 --> 00:44:44,515 We're hardwired for belonging. It's in our DNA. 985 00:44:44,599 --> 00:44:45,766 And let me tell you, 986 00:44:46,142 --> 00:44:48,644 we are in the midst of what I would call 987 00:44:48,728 --> 00:44:51,731 a political and social shitshow right now. 988 00:44:52,148 --> 00:44:55,067 -[audience laughs] -[Brené] It's a cultural nightmare. Um... 989 00:44:56,944 --> 00:44:58,029 It is. 990 00:44:59,572 --> 00:45:02,700 And we want belonging in the midst of this thing, right? 991 00:45:02,783 --> 00:45:04,118 Let me tell you what belonging is. 992 00:45:04,202 --> 00:45:07,914 The opposite of belonging, from the research, is fitting in. 993 00:45:09,207 --> 00:45:13,294 That's the opposite of belonging. Fitting in is assessing and acclimating. 994 00:45:13,878 --> 00:45:16,172 "Here's what I should say, be. Here's what I shouldn't say. 995 00:45:16,255 --> 00:45:17,882 Here's what I should avoid talking about. 996 00:45:17,965 --> 00:45:20,801 Here's what I should dress like, look like." That's fitting in. 997 00:45:22,345 --> 00:45:23,179 Belonging... 998 00:45:24,222 --> 00:45:26,933 is belonging to yourself first. 999 00:45:27,850 --> 00:45:30,019 Speaking your truth, telling your story, 1000 00:45:30,102 --> 00:45:32,855 and never betraying yourself for other people. 1001 00:45:33,314 --> 00:45:36,859 True belonging doesn't require you to change who you are. 1002 00:45:37,276 --> 00:45:39,654 It requires you to be who you are, 1003 00:45:39,737 --> 00:45:41,239 and that's vulnerable. 1004 00:45:41,906 --> 00:45:46,035 And then the last of this big list is joy. 1005 00:45:46,369 --> 00:45:49,747 And I'm coming at you as someone who studies shame and fear and scarcity. 1006 00:45:49,830 --> 00:45:54,335 I'm here to tell you that joy is the most vulnerable of all human emotions. 1007 00:45:54,585 --> 00:45:57,797 We are terrified to feel joy. 1008 00:45:58,464 --> 00:46:01,926 We are so afraid that if we let ourselves feel joy, 1009 00:46:02,593 --> 00:46:06,389 something will come along and rip it away from us, 1010 00:46:06,472 --> 00:46:11,143 and we will get sucker punched by pain and trauma and loss. 1011 00:46:11,477 --> 00:46:16,399 So that, in the midst of great things, we literally dress rehearse tragedy. 1012 00:46:17,733 --> 00:46:19,944 How many of you are parents in the audience? 1013 00:46:20,027 --> 00:46:23,489 How many have ever stood over your child while they're sleeping and thought, 1014 00:46:23,572 --> 00:46:27,076 [exhales] "I love you like I didn't know was possible"? 1015 00:46:27,159 --> 00:46:28,244 And in that split second, 1016 00:46:28,327 --> 00:46:30,413 you picture something horrific happening to your child? 1017 00:46:31,998 --> 00:46:33,958 Ninety-five percent of parents do that. 1018 00:46:34,542 --> 00:46:35,584 Non-parenting example: 1019 00:46:35,668 --> 00:46:36,836 You wake up. 1020 00:46:36,919 --> 00:46:38,337 You're like, "Hey. 1021 00:46:38,421 --> 00:46:40,548 I feel pretty good. Working out. 1022 00:46:41,674 --> 00:46:43,050 Family's good. 1023 00:46:43,384 --> 00:46:44,635 House is good. 1024 00:46:45,094 --> 00:46:46,262 Holy shit." 1025 00:46:46,345 --> 00:46:48,347 [audience laughs] 1026 00:46:49,307 --> 00:46:50,391 Yes or no? 1027 00:46:50,474 --> 00:46:51,309 [audience] Yes. 1028 00:46:51,392 --> 00:46:52,977 [Brené] Like, "Oh, my God. 1029 00:46:53,853 --> 00:46:56,772 What's gonna happen next?" We're waiting for the other shoe to drop. 1030 00:46:56,856 --> 00:46:58,190 Here's a great example. 1031 00:47:00,985 --> 00:47:03,321 The very first time I got to meet Oprah, 1032 00:47:04,780 --> 00:47:07,616 got to fly to Chicago and do SuperSoul Sunday. 1033 00:47:08,492 --> 00:47:11,078 So... [chuckling] I'm leaving the house. 1034 00:47:12,121 --> 00:47:14,707 I get in the car that's gonna take me to the airport. 1035 00:47:14,790 --> 00:47:16,876 I get out of the car, and I go back in the house. 1036 00:47:17,585 --> 00:47:20,838 And I said, "Steve." And he goes, "Oh, God, no." 1037 00:47:20,921 --> 00:47:21,922 [audience laughs] 1038 00:47:22,006 --> 00:47:24,091 And I said-- No, really. I said, 1039 00:47:24,884 --> 00:47:27,720 "The chance of me making it to Chicago are slim. 1040 00:47:27,803 --> 00:47:28,888 [audience laughs] 1041 00:47:28,971 --> 00:47:32,016 Because this is too good to be true." 1042 00:47:32,683 --> 00:47:36,145 And he goes, "I hate it when you do this. I really hate it when you do this." 1043 00:47:36,228 --> 00:47:39,440 And I was like, "I want you to remarry. 1044 00:47:40,358 --> 00:47:44,236 I... I want you to find someone to love. 1045 00:47:44,528 --> 00:47:46,864 I want you to wait an appropriate amount of time, 1046 00:47:46,947 --> 00:47:49,575 but I want you to find someone else." 1047 00:47:50,242 --> 00:47:52,828 And he's like, "I got it. Go," you know. And I said, 1048 00:47:53,829 --> 00:47:58,542 "And I've been thinking about it a lot. In the right hand drawer of my study--" 1049 00:47:58,626 --> 00:48:00,920 And he's like, "Oh, my God. 1050 00:48:01,003 --> 00:48:04,632 Did you write a list of people you think I should marry?" 1051 00:48:06,342 --> 00:48:08,260 And I was like, "No. 1052 00:48:08,344 --> 00:48:11,305 But I wrote a list of people you damn well better not marry. 1053 00:48:11,389 --> 00:48:13,140 [audience laughs] 1054 00:48:13,224 --> 00:48:14,892 [Brené] Because I need to make sure... 1055 00:48:17,686 --> 00:48:19,105 [audience laughs] 1056 00:48:20,481 --> 00:48:23,109 ...that if you marry somebody on this list, 1057 00:48:23,651 --> 00:48:24,860 I'll be back. 1058 00:48:26,779 --> 00:48:28,823 And it won't be fun, like in the movies." 1059 00:48:28,906 --> 00:48:31,784 And he's like, "You've gotta get in the car, or I'm gonna remarry. 1060 00:48:31,867 --> 00:48:33,077 Like-- Like, go." 1061 00:48:34,662 --> 00:48:36,580 How many of you do that thing? 1062 00:48:36,664 --> 00:48:38,165 That foreboding joy? 1063 00:48:38,457 --> 00:48:42,420 Because when we lose our capacity for vulnerability, joy becomes foreboding. 1064 00:48:43,129 --> 00:48:46,132 It becomes scary to let ourselves feel it. 1065 00:48:46,215 --> 00:48:50,803 And the research participants who had the ability to lean fully into joy 1066 00:48:50,886 --> 00:48:53,180 only shared one variable in common. 1067 00:48:53,264 --> 00:48:56,100 They only shared one thing across all the variables. 1068 00:48:56,183 --> 00:48:59,520 The people who could really lean into joy, they didn't dress rehearse tragedy. 1069 00:48:59,603 --> 00:49:01,939 They didn't practice the terrible things. 1070 00:49:02,022 --> 00:49:04,692 They just leaned in. What do you think the one thing they share is? 1071 00:49:04,775 --> 00:49:05,776 [man] Gratitude. 1072 00:49:05,860 --> 00:49:06,944 Gratitude. 1073 00:49:07,778 --> 00:49:09,947 Gratitude. They practiced gratitude. 1074 00:49:10,531 --> 00:49:13,909 Because here's the thing. Vulnerability has a real physiology. 1075 00:49:13,993 --> 00:49:16,078 It has a real tremor. 1076 00:49:16,495 --> 00:49:17,746 Something inside of us. 1077 00:49:17,830 --> 00:49:20,499 When we feel vulnerable, our body is like, "Whew." 1078 00:49:20,791 --> 00:49:25,838 Some people use that as a warning to start dress-rehearsing for bad things. 1079 00:49:25,921 --> 00:49:29,300 Some of us try to use it as a reminder to be grateful. 1080 00:49:29,925 --> 00:49:31,844 Like, I'll never forget standing at the door 1081 00:49:31,927 --> 00:49:34,722 watching my daughter, Ellen, walk to the car 1082 00:49:34,805 --> 00:49:37,725 with her boyfriend in her senior year to senior prom. 1083 00:49:38,350 --> 00:49:40,769 And I'm standing there, and they're walking towards his truck, 1084 00:49:40,853 --> 00:49:42,855 and what's the only thing I'm thinking about? 1085 00:49:42,938 --> 00:49:45,566 -[audience laughs and mumbles] -Car crash, right? 1086 00:49:46,859 --> 00:49:49,528 And I remember just going, "I'm so grateful. Y'all have fun. 1087 00:49:49,612 --> 00:49:53,699 I'm so grateful. I'm super grateful for... 1088 00:49:54,992 --> 00:49:56,660 being a part of this process. 1089 00:49:56,744 --> 00:49:58,120 I'm grateful." 1090 00:49:58,496 --> 00:50:00,080 Charlie, my son, was standing next to me, 1091 00:50:00,164 --> 00:50:03,292 and he kinda looked around at Steve, on the other side, and he goes, 1092 00:50:03,751 --> 00:50:05,252 "What's wrong with Mom?" 1093 00:50:05,336 --> 00:50:08,839 And he said, "Let her keep saying how grateful she is, 1094 00:50:08,923 --> 00:50:10,883 otherwise things will get really dangerous. 1095 00:50:10,966 --> 00:50:13,093 Just, grateful. We're all grateful!" 1096 00:50:13,594 --> 00:50:15,596 -[audience laughs] -[Brené] Um... 1097 00:50:17,264 --> 00:50:20,434 But gratitude is also vulnerable, right? 1098 00:50:21,101 --> 00:50:22,228 Gratitude is also vulnerable. 1099 00:50:22,311 --> 00:50:24,438 Sometimes we're afraid to feel it 'cause we feel like, 1100 00:50:24,522 --> 00:50:26,524 is that dangerous to say I'm grateful for something 1101 00:50:26,607 --> 00:50:29,902 because then is someone listening and saying, "Ooh, I can take that away." 1102 00:50:29,985 --> 00:50:32,238 Like, I don't-- My God doesn't work that way. 1103 00:50:32,613 --> 00:50:34,448 But sometimes I fear it anyway. 1104 00:50:35,157 --> 00:50:40,079 I've had this incredible experience, um, doing this research over the past, 1105 00:50:40,162 --> 00:50:41,997 I don't know, probably 15 years especially, 1106 00:50:42,081 --> 00:50:44,291 where I've had the honor of sitting across 1107 00:50:44,375 --> 00:50:47,127 from people who have survived tremendous things. 1108 00:50:47,211 --> 00:50:52,132 Um, mass shootings, the death of children, genocide. 1109 00:50:53,175 --> 00:50:57,054 And... really trying to understand... 1110 00:50:57,721 --> 00:51:02,101 from them what we can do better collectively to show up... 1111 00:51:02,977 --> 00:51:04,770 in a compassionate way. 1112 00:51:05,688 --> 00:51:10,776 And it's an interesting swirl of variables around joy and gratitude and compassion. 1113 00:51:10,859 --> 00:51:13,279 And so, there are three things I learned. 1114 00:51:14,029 --> 00:51:17,157 The first was, across all of these interviews, 1115 00:51:17,241 --> 00:51:18,367 they said the same thing. 1116 00:51:18,450 --> 00:51:21,745 No matter what the trauma was that they were recovering from, they said, 1117 00:51:22,246 --> 00:51:24,623 "When you are grateful for what you have, 1118 00:51:25,457 --> 00:51:30,588 I understand that you understand the magnitude of what I've lost." 1119 00:51:32,381 --> 00:51:35,884 So often we're afraid to be grateful for what we have, 1120 00:51:35,968 --> 00:51:39,847 especially in front of people who've gone through great trauma and loss 1121 00:51:39,930 --> 00:51:41,640 'cause we think it's insensitive. 1122 00:51:43,475 --> 00:51:44,602 But it's really hard 1123 00:51:44,685 --> 00:51:47,062 because for those of us who don't want to be grateful, 1124 00:51:47,146 --> 00:51:50,065 to show a picture of our child to someone maybe who's lost a child, 1125 00:51:50,149 --> 00:51:51,942 what they see is, 1126 00:51:53,277 --> 00:51:55,904 "Not only are you not going to talk to me about your child, 1127 00:51:55,988 --> 00:51:58,616 me talking about my loss and child is not on the table either." 1128 00:52:00,117 --> 00:52:04,163 You know? So I think gratitude, in some ways, is healing for people, 1129 00:52:04,496 --> 00:52:06,498 and we don't think about it that way. 1130 00:52:06,582 --> 00:52:08,542 The second thing that I learned 1131 00:52:08,626 --> 00:52:11,754 that changed me as well is this idea that when I said, 1132 00:52:11,837 --> 00:52:14,590 "Tell me about the grief, the longing, the loss," 1133 00:52:14,673 --> 00:52:18,052 and they said the thing that surprised them the most 1134 00:52:18,135 --> 00:52:21,096 was how they missed the ordinary moments 1135 00:52:21,180 --> 00:52:22,681 more than anything else. 1136 00:52:23,515 --> 00:52:25,893 That they missed the simple, ordinary things 1137 00:52:25,976 --> 00:52:29,521 that they never really took notice of when they were happening. 1138 00:52:30,814 --> 00:52:34,109 One woman told me, "I used to get these crazy texts from my mom 1139 00:52:34,193 --> 00:52:36,445 because she never quite learned how to use her phone. 1140 00:52:36,528 --> 00:52:39,531 And I was like, 'Man, learn how to use your phone, Mom, then text me.' 1141 00:52:39,615 --> 00:52:41,950 And now I would kill for a text from my mom. 1142 00:52:42,034 --> 00:52:44,203 I wouldn't care, you know, how many emojis were in it. 1143 00:52:44,286 --> 00:52:47,289 Just something from my mom, but she's gone now." 1144 00:52:48,624 --> 00:52:49,458 Or someone-- 1145 00:52:49,541 --> 00:52:53,629 A couple whose child had died of cancer, a four-year-old. 1146 00:52:54,755 --> 00:52:57,591 And they said, you know, "We used to get on him all the time and say, 1147 00:52:57,675 --> 00:53:00,219 'Man, stop slamming the screen door.'" 1148 00:53:00,302 --> 00:53:03,472 This was his, like-- This was his signature move, you know. 1149 00:53:03,555 --> 00:53:04,807 Just... [imitates door slamming] 1150 00:53:04,890 --> 00:53:07,601 And he said, "Sometimes me and my husband just stand at the back door 1151 00:53:07,685 --> 00:53:10,688 and just slam it for five or ten minutes, just to hear it." 1152 00:53:11,355 --> 00:53:13,941 You know, there's these-- And for all of us, 1153 00:53:14,024 --> 00:53:17,236 I think, for me, the lesson was, and you can take it if it fits... 1154 00:53:17,945 --> 00:53:22,074 I get so busy sometimes chasing the extraordinary moments 1155 00:53:22,157 --> 00:53:25,202 that I don't pay attention to the ordinary moments. 1156 00:53:25,285 --> 00:53:28,706 The moments that, if taken away, I would miss more than anything. 1157 00:53:29,790 --> 00:53:32,626 You know? My daughter has this really interesting thing. 1158 00:53:33,168 --> 00:53:34,169 She was probably... 1159 00:53:35,337 --> 00:53:37,798 ten, maybe nine at the time, 1160 00:53:37,881 --> 00:53:40,384 and I picked her up from school in Houston, where we live, 1161 00:53:40,467 --> 00:53:43,595 and we went to Hermann Park, and we were on one of those paddle boats. 1162 00:53:43,679 --> 00:53:45,681 I brought some old bread, and we were feeding the ducks. 1163 00:53:45,764 --> 00:53:47,516 I looked over and she was like this... 1164 00:53:48,892 --> 00:53:51,019 I was like, "Are you okay?" And she goes... 1165 00:53:52,229 --> 00:53:53,522 [audience laughs] 1166 00:53:53,605 --> 00:53:56,191 And finally, she said, "Yeah, I'm good." And I was like, "What are you doing?" 1167 00:53:56,275 --> 00:53:58,527 And she goes, "I was making a picture memory." 1168 00:53:59,403 --> 00:54:02,531 And I said, "What's a picture memory?" And she said, "Sometimes, 1169 00:54:02,823 --> 00:54:05,075 when I'm really grateful, and things are just amazing, 1170 00:54:05,159 --> 00:54:07,286 I close my eyes and take a picture memory, 1171 00:54:07,369 --> 00:54:10,873 so when I feel lonely or things are hard, I can remember it." 1172 00:54:11,498 --> 00:54:14,877 You know, I think the picture memory is a lot better than our phone. 1173 00:54:15,210 --> 00:54:19,631 You know, I think taking a moment and just committing to just that feeling. 1174 00:54:20,299 --> 00:54:22,217 What were we in, in that moment? 1175 00:54:23,051 --> 00:54:27,723 The next thing which is really hard for me, and I'll be honest, 1176 00:54:27,806 --> 00:54:32,936 is sometimes just do the joyful thing for the hell of it. 1177 00:54:33,020 --> 00:54:34,772 Just choose joy sometimes. 1178 00:54:34,855 --> 00:54:38,192 Just choose a thing that seems frivolous and fun 1179 00:54:38,275 --> 00:54:41,987 and has no ROI or payoff or upside. 1180 00:54:42,070 --> 00:54:44,239 Just do the joyful thing. 1181 00:54:44,323 --> 00:54:46,950 You know? And, you know, Stuart Brown, who studies play, 1182 00:54:47,034 --> 00:54:51,455 defines play as time spent without purpose. 1183 00:54:52,039 --> 00:54:54,333 -Like, I call that an anxiety attack. -[audience laughs] 1184 00:54:54,416 --> 00:54:58,378 Like-- Like, I-- I have a hard time doing that, 1185 00:54:58,712 --> 00:54:59,880 just choosing joy. 1186 00:54:59,963 --> 00:55:02,299 But Charlie, who's 13 now, 1187 00:55:02,382 --> 00:55:05,803 last year when he was in sixth grade, he came to me one day and he said, 1188 00:55:06,094 --> 00:55:07,763 "I really need to up my grade in this class. 1189 00:55:07,846 --> 00:55:10,015 I really want to do it." I said, "Your grade's fine." 1190 00:55:10,682 --> 00:55:13,852 And he said, "No, I-- I think I really want to try." And I said, "Okay." 1191 00:55:13,936 --> 00:55:16,230 A week later he comes home and said, "We got a huge project. 1192 00:55:16,313 --> 00:55:18,232 It's a big one." And I said, "Okay." 1193 00:55:18,315 --> 00:55:20,776 He said, "I was just gonna do it tomorrow morning before school, 1194 00:55:20,859 --> 00:55:22,694 but maybe I should just dig in." 1195 00:55:22,778 --> 00:55:24,947 And I said, "Okay. Let's do it." 1196 00:55:25,030 --> 00:55:27,825 And he said, "It's an art project." I'm like, "Oh, my God. 1197 00:55:27,908 --> 00:55:30,702 I have an art and craft supply addiction issue. 1198 00:55:30,786 --> 00:55:33,997 So I was like, "Let's go to the craft closet." Um... 1199 00:55:34,081 --> 00:55:37,626 And so he had to make a gladiator helmet out of, like, paper. 1200 00:55:37,709 --> 00:55:39,920 And so he starts making it, and I'm kinda watching. 1201 00:55:40,003 --> 00:55:43,465 Every now and then I have an idea, and he's like, "Eh," which is good. 1202 00:55:43,924 --> 00:55:47,177 And he's like, "You know, you're allowed to write something on it if you want to. 1203 00:55:47,261 --> 00:55:49,137 Should I take a chance and write something on it? 1204 00:55:49,221 --> 00:55:50,848 I have a funny idea, but it's kinda weird." 1205 00:55:50,931 --> 00:55:52,808 And I was like, "Take a chance." 1206 00:55:53,308 --> 00:55:55,769 So he writes on it, and he shows it to me, 1207 00:55:55,853 --> 00:55:58,647 and his gladiator helmet says, "I run with scissors." 1208 00:55:58,730 --> 00:56:02,985 -[audience laughs] -And I think it's really funny, right? 1209 00:56:03,485 --> 00:56:07,823 So he takes it to school, and I'm like, "How'd it go?" 1210 00:56:07,906 --> 00:56:09,825 And he's like, "Yeah, I think it was pretty good." 1211 00:56:09,908 --> 00:56:12,619 The next day he comes home, and he goes, "Oh, my God. 1212 00:56:12,703 --> 00:56:15,163 I won first place. 1213 00:56:15,539 --> 00:56:18,083 The best gladiator helmet in sixth grade." 1214 00:56:18,417 --> 00:56:20,168 And I was like, "Oh, my God, Charlie. 1215 00:56:20,252 --> 00:56:22,129 Effort and you took a chance. 1216 00:56:22,212 --> 00:56:24,464 Like, effort and taking a chance doesn't always pay off, 1217 00:56:24,548 --> 00:56:25,841 but I don't see anything, really, 1218 00:56:25,924 --> 00:56:28,135 that pays off without effort or taking a chance, 1219 00:56:28,218 --> 00:56:29,386 so there you go." And he goes, 1220 00:56:29,469 --> 00:56:33,390 "She said I could have points added to my final grade, 1221 00:56:33,473 --> 00:56:35,100 or, like, a secret treasure." 1222 00:56:35,183 --> 00:56:38,061 And I was like, "Oh, how many points are you getting added to your grade?" 1223 00:56:38,145 --> 00:56:39,354 He goes... 1224 00:56:40,439 --> 00:56:43,692 -"What? I picked the secret treasure." -[audience laughs] 1225 00:56:46,236 --> 00:56:48,071 "Yes, that's good. 1226 00:56:48,822 --> 00:56:51,241 Right on!" It was like a Pokémon pencil. 1227 00:56:51,909 --> 00:56:52,826 I was like, 1228 00:56:53,243 --> 00:56:54,077 "What? 1229 00:56:55,203 --> 00:56:57,706 Secret treasure?" So now every now and then, I'm like, 1230 00:56:57,789 --> 00:57:01,627 "I could do this and it could get me here, or I could just pick the secret treasure." 1231 00:57:02,210 --> 00:57:04,296 The joy, right? Just the joy. 1232 00:57:05,631 --> 00:57:10,802 Work is another place where vulnerability gives birth to really important things. 1233 00:57:11,970 --> 00:57:13,931 Empathy, trust. 1234 00:57:14,264 --> 00:57:15,140 Look... 1235 00:57:16,183 --> 00:57:18,143 people call me all the time and say, 1236 00:57:18,226 --> 00:57:19,853 "Can you come talk to our leadership team?" 1237 00:57:19,937 --> 00:57:22,940 I spend about 90% of my time now doing leadership work. 1238 00:57:23,023 --> 00:57:24,399 "Can you come talk to our team?" 1239 00:57:24,483 --> 00:57:27,402 "What do you want me to talk about?" "Anything but vulnerability and shame." 1240 00:57:27,486 --> 00:57:29,655 I'm like, "No, I'm not you." They're like-- 1241 00:57:29,738 --> 00:57:32,157 This is my favorite one. Someone said, "Well... 1242 00:57:33,116 --> 00:57:34,701 fourth-quarter earnings." 1243 00:57:34,785 --> 00:57:37,079 I was like, "I don't give a shit about your fourth-quarter earnings." 1244 00:57:37,162 --> 00:57:39,706 Like, I'm like, "What am I gonna talk to you about?" 1245 00:57:39,790 --> 00:57:40,707 They're like, 1246 00:57:40,791 --> 00:57:43,418 "We have a huge creativity and innovation problem." 1247 00:57:43,502 --> 00:57:46,046 I'm like, "But you don't want to talk about vulnerability?" 1248 00:57:47,881 --> 00:57:50,300 No vulnerability, no creativity. 1249 00:57:50,634 --> 00:57:53,679 No tolerance for failure, no innovation. 1250 00:57:54,012 --> 00:57:55,263 It is that simple. 1251 00:57:55,681 --> 00:57:58,642 If you're not willing to fail, you can't innovate. 1252 00:57:58,725 --> 00:58:01,979 If you're not willing to build a vulnerable culture, 1253 00:58:02,604 --> 00:58:03,897 you can't create. 1254 00:58:04,523 --> 00:58:06,024 It's just that simple. 1255 00:58:07,526 --> 00:58:09,486 Inclusivity, equity, diversity. 1256 00:58:10,612 --> 00:58:13,573 We're in the middle of really important movements right now, 1257 00:58:13,657 --> 00:58:16,576 movements that I hope will change the world. 1258 00:58:16,660 --> 00:58:19,204 Black Lives Matter, Me Too, Time's Up. 1259 00:58:19,287 --> 00:58:21,248 -These are-- These are big... -[audience applauds] 1260 00:58:23,917 --> 00:58:25,419 These are big movements. 1261 00:58:25,502 --> 00:58:28,213 Trans Lives Matter. These are movements that matter, 1262 00:58:28,797 --> 00:58:31,758 and these are movements that have the potential to change things. 1263 00:58:32,718 --> 00:58:37,305 What happens is, every organization I go into right now, they say, 1264 00:58:37,514 --> 00:58:39,391 "We don't know how to have these conversations. 1265 00:58:39,474 --> 00:58:41,268 They're incredibly uncomfortable. 1266 00:58:42,519 --> 00:58:44,855 We're afraid we're gonna say the wrong thing. 1267 00:58:46,231 --> 00:58:48,859 We're afraid that what I say won't match my heart. 1268 00:58:49,818 --> 00:58:51,570 I'll be taken the wrong way. 1269 00:58:51,653 --> 00:58:53,030 People will make assumptions." 1270 00:58:53,113 --> 00:58:57,117 And so, I think there's a very clear answer here, which is, 1271 00:58:57,993 --> 00:59:02,914 first, to not have the conversations because they make you uncomfortable 1272 00:59:02,998 --> 00:59:04,916 is the definition of privilege. 1273 00:59:05,250 --> 00:59:08,003 Your comfort is not at the center of this discussion. 1274 00:59:08,086 --> 00:59:10,422 Like, that is not how this works. 1275 00:59:11,840 --> 00:59:13,258 It just doesn't work that way. 1276 00:59:13,341 --> 00:59:17,262 Of course you're going to get your ass handed to you in these conversations. 1277 00:59:17,345 --> 00:59:20,182 And the whiter, straighter, Christian, 1278 00:59:20,265 --> 00:59:22,934 majority culture you are, the more mistakes you're gonna make. 1279 00:59:23,018 --> 00:59:25,187 It's not a question about whether you have a bias or not, 1280 00:59:25,270 --> 00:59:28,982 it's what biases do you have, and how many, and how bad, and how deep? 1281 00:59:29,066 --> 00:59:30,484 That's going to happen. 1282 00:59:30,942 --> 00:59:33,904 That's what we sign up for when we have these conversations. 1283 00:59:35,614 --> 00:59:38,450 That's how it works. And then you listen, 1284 00:59:39,576 --> 00:59:41,203 and you learn, 1285 00:59:41,286 --> 00:59:43,622 and you don't hold the people accountable. 1286 00:59:43,705 --> 00:59:45,999 You know, the people who are targeted 1287 00:59:46,083 --> 00:59:49,544 by racism and homophobia, and heterosexism, and gender bias 1288 00:59:49,795 --> 00:59:53,215 are not responsible... for initiating these conversations 1289 00:59:53,298 --> 00:59:55,634 and building the tables where they should be happening. 1290 00:59:55,717 --> 00:59:58,136 -[audience applauds] -That's not-- That's not how this works. 1291 01:00:00,972 --> 01:00:03,475 We have to be able to choose courage over comfort, 1292 01:00:03,558 --> 01:00:04,976 and we have to say, "Look... 1293 01:00:06,436 --> 01:00:08,563 I don't know that I'm gonna nail this, but I'm gonna try 1294 01:00:08,647 --> 01:00:11,483 'cause what I'm sure as hell not gonna do is stay quiet." 1295 01:00:12,859 --> 01:00:14,402 That's what we can't do. 1296 01:00:15,570 --> 01:00:17,489 And so, yeah, you're gonna make a lot of mistakes. 1297 01:00:17,572 --> 01:00:19,074 Yeah, it's gonna be uncomfortable. 1298 01:00:19,157 --> 01:00:21,284 Yeah, you're gonna learn about blind spots 1299 01:00:21,368 --> 01:00:23,578 that you didn't even know you had. 1300 01:00:24,663 --> 01:00:27,249 And then you're gonna be grateful for that moment 1301 01:00:27,541 --> 01:00:29,084 and take learning it... 1302 01:00:29,835 --> 01:00:33,338 into your own hands, not make other people responsible for teaching it, 1303 01:00:34,506 --> 01:00:36,258 and that's how we move forward. 1304 01:00:36,800 --> 01:00:39,594 But if you think there's gonna be real conversation in this country 1305 01:00:39,678 --> 01:00:41,596 or in companies or organizations 1306 01:00:41,930 --> 01:00:45,350 around equity and-- and diversity and inclusivity... 1307 01:00:46,351 --> 01:00:48,228 while you remain comfortable, 1308 01:00:50,021 --> 01:00:51,857 that is not gonna happen. 1309 01:00:51,940 --> 01:00:53,400 And it shouldn't happen. 1310 01:00:53,483 --> 01:00:56,444 So when we build cultures at work, 1311 01:00:56,903 --> 01:00:59,406 where there is zero tolerance for vulnerability, 1312 01:01:00,824 --> 01:01:06,037 where perfectionism and armor are rewarded and necessary, 1313 01:01:06,872 --> 01:01:09,791 you can't have these conversations. They're not productive. 1314 01:01:11,334 --> 01:01:15,463 How many of you think, tomorrow, if I had a magic wand 1315 01:01:15,547 --> 01:01:18,633 and I could wave it at where you work-- it's your office-- 1316 01:01:18,717 --> 01:01:20,343 and tomorrow morning when you walked in, 1317 01:01:20,427 --> 01:01:24,806 everyone in that office had the capacity for difficult, productive conversation, 1318 01:01:24,890 --> 01:01:27,475 how many of you think things would change overnight? 1319 01:01:27,934 --> 01:01:30,687 If everyone could have really hard conversations? 1320 01:01:31,521 --> 01:01:33,398 We can't have them. You know what we end up doing? 1321 01:01:33,481 --> 01:01:36,735 We end up talking about people instead of talking to people. 1322 01:01:36,818 --> 01:01:38,278 [scattered applause] 1323 01:01:38,361 --> 01:01:39,321 And it's really-- 1324 01:01:39,404 --> 01:01:42,866 It's toxic. It just takes over culture. 1325 01:01:43,700 --> 01:01:45,827 Giving feedback, receiving feedback, 1326 01:01:45,911 --> 01:01:48,622 problem-solving, ethical decision-making... 1327 01:01:48,914 --> 01:01:51,041 These are all born of vulnerability. 1328 01:01:53,001 --> 01:01:57,214 I understand that work seems like a hard place to be vulnerable, 1329 01:01:57,297 --> 01:02:00,133 but we spend more than half of our lives at work, 1330 01:02:01,801 --> 01:02:05,305 and I've never met a single person or interviewed a single person 1331 01:02:05,388 --> 01:02:06,640 in 20 years 1332 01:02:07,474 --> 01:02:10,852 that had a joyful, wholehearted life that was miserable at work. 1333 01:02:11,686 --> 01:02:13,438 That stuff will eat you alive. 1334 01:02:14,231 --> 01:02:16,816 And we all have a responsibility to show up 1335 01:02:17,442 --> 01:02:20,487 and bring our whole hearts and our whole selves to work 1336 01:02:20,570 --> 01:02:23,698 and lean in to the tough conversations. 1337 01:02:24,115 --> 01:02:28,078 Brave leaders are never silent around hard things. 1338 01:02:28,662 --> 01:02:31,039 Our job is to excavate the unsaid. 1339 01:02:31,957 --> 01:02:33,917 What is the thing that's not being said? 1340 01:02:34,000 --> 01:02:36,336 And that requires courage and vulnerability. 1341 01:02:38,088 --> 01:02:40,382 People ask, "Where do I start with vulnerability?" 1342 01:02:40,465 --> 01:02:43,301 And the best place to start is dispelling the myths. 1343 01:02:43,385 --> 01:02:46,137 So myth one: Vulnerability is weakness. 1344 01:02:47,222 --> 01:02:48,515 I've spent a lot of time 1345 01:02:48,598 --> 01:02:51,142 evangelizing around this, and here's the thing. 1346 01:02:52,143 --> 01:02:53,979 I've cut it down to one question. 1347 01:02:54,854 --> 01:02:56,189 And here's the question: 1348 01:02:56,773 --> 01:02:57,774 Vulnerability... 1349 01:02:58,692 --> 01:03:03,905 is-- the definition of it, from the data-- uncertainty, risk, emotional exposure. 1350 01:03:04,281 --> 01:03:07,575 So vulnerability is the feeling that we get when we feel uncertain, 1351 01:03:07,659 --> 01:03:09,577 at risk, or emotionally exposed. 1352 01:03:10,954 --> 01:03:13,248 So I was doing work with special forces 1353 01:03:13,331 --> 01:03:17,127 maybe a year ago now, and I asked a question. 1354 01:03:17,544 --> 01:03:20,171 Could anyone, any one of the troops in this audience, 1355 01:03:20,255 --> 01:03:22,299 give me an example of courage from their life 1356 01:03:22,382 --> 01:03:24,968 or something they witnessed in a colleague's life. 1357 01:03:25,051 --> 01:03:26,886 A single example of courage 1358 01:03:26,970 --> 01:03:30,640 that did not require uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure, 1359 01:03:31,016 --> 01:03:32,767 and there was just silence. 1360 01:03:32,851 --> 01:03:35,395 And I waited, and it seemed like a long time, and finally... 1361 01:03:36,187 --> 01:03:37,981 a young man stood up and said, 1362 01:03:38,690 --> 01:03:39,774 "Three tours, ma'am. 1363 01:03:40,734 --> 01:03:42,861 There is no courage without vulnerability." 1364 01:03:44,070 --> 01:03:48,074 And so I would ask y'all, in here, give me a single example of courage 1365 01:03:48,158 --> 01:03:50,994 in your life or that you've witnessed in someone else's. 1366 01:03:51,077 --> 01:03:52,579 A single example of courage 1367 01:03:52,662 --> 01:03:55,999 that did not require uncertainty, risk, or emotional exposure. 1368 01:03:57,876 --> 01:03:59,377 I don't think you can. 1369 01:03:59,461 --> 01:04:01,921 There is no courage without vulnerability. 1370 01:04:02,005 --> 01:04:04,883 Yet, how many were raised to believe that courage is an important value? 1371 01:04:04,966 --> 01:04:07,385 That you should be brave with your life? Show of hands. 1372 01:04:08,345 --> 01:04:11,806 How many of you were raised to believe that vulnerability is weakness? 1373 01:04:15,143 --> 01:04:18,897 Here's the rub. Be brave, but never put yourself out there. 1374 01:04:20,273 --> 01:04:22,484 We've gotta dispel the myth, right? 1375 01:04:22,776 --> 01:04:25,278 Number two: "I don't do vulnerability." 1376 01:04:25,362 --> 01:04:27,697 [audience laughs] 1377 01:04:27,781 --> 01:04:28,656 Yes, you do. 1378 01:04:28,740 --> 01:04:31,368 Anyone here manage to live to this point in your life 1379 01:04:31,451 --> 01:04:33,870 without uncertainty, risk, or emotional exposure? 1380 01:04:35,455 --> 01:04:36,581 No. 1381 01:04:36,664 --> 01:04:38,249 We do vulnerability. And here's the thing. 1382 01:04:38,333 --> 01:04:40,377 You only have two options. There's-- You only have two options. 1383 01:04:40,460 --> 01:04:42,337 You do vulnerability knowingly, 1384 01:04:42,420 --> 01:04:44,589 -or vulnerability does you. -[audience laughs] 1385 01:04:45,840 --> 01:04:49,636 Vulnerability shows up, and you-- and if you don't know, just go home... 1386 01:04:50,178 --> 01:04:53,098 and say, "Hey, do you think I do vulnerability well?" 1387 01:04:53,181 --> 01:04:55,642 to someone you love, and then step back a couple steps... 1388 01:04:55,725 --> 01:04:58,061 -[audience laughs] -...and take in the truth. 1389 01:04:58,937 --> 01:05:01,815 You do vulnerability, knowingly or unknowingly. 1390 01:05:01,898 --> 01:05:04,442 And here's the thing. Here's why we need it. 1391 01:05:06,778 --> 01:05:10,782 Man, it is so much easier to cause pain than feel pain. 1392 01:05:11,908 --> 01:05:13,868 And people are taking their pain 1393 01:05:14,411 --> 01:05:16,996 and they're working it out on other people. 1394 01:05:17,330 --> 01:05:20,208 And when you don't acknowledge your vulnerability, 1395 01:05:20,291 --> 01:05:23,002 you work your shit out on other people. 1396 01:05:23,086 --> 01:05:26,047 Stop working your shit out on other people. 1397 01:05:26,131 --> 01:05:27,799 [audience applauds] 1398 01:05:27,882 --> 01:05:29,384 Right? Stop. 1399 01:05:32,554 --> 01:05:36,099 It's okay if you've got crazy stuff going on. Join the club. 1400 01:05:36,724 --> 01:05:37,809 Like we all do. 1401 01:05:38,268 --> 01:05:41,771 The difference is, don't offload your hard stuff on other people. 1402 01:05:43,690 --> 01:05:46,151 Three: "I can go it alone." This was my favorite. 1403 01:05:46,234 --> 01:05:48,236 One time after a talk, a guy came up to me and goes, 1404 01:05:48,736 --> 01:05:50,029 "I'm gonna try it. 1405 01:05:50,363 --> 01:05:52,157 I'm gonna try vulnerability... 1406 01:05:52,240 --> 01:05:53,491 [audience laughs] 1407 01:05:53,575 --> 01:05:55,326 ...but I'm gonna try it by myself. 1408 01:05:57,495 --> 01:05:58,788 And I'm gonna see how it goes, 1409 01:05:58,872 --> 01:06:00,999 and then I'm gonna try it with other people." 1410 01:06:01,791 --> 01:06:02,959 And I was like, 1411 01:06:04,919 --> 01:06:08,590 "I-- I don't think that's gonna work. Like, I don't know what that means." 1412 01:06:08,673 --> 01:06:09,507 And he's like, 1413 01:06:09,591 --> 01:06:10,508 "I'm just gonna... 1414 01:06:11,134 --> 01:06:14,971 do it alone for a while." And I was like, "All right, you get back to me." 1415 01:06:17,390 --> 01:06:20,643 We can't go it alone. We're neurobiologically hardwired 1416 01:06:20,727 --> 01:06:22,228 for connection with other people. 1417 01:06:22,312 --> 01:06:25,231 In the absence of connection, love, and belonging, 1418 01:06:25,315 --> 01:06:26,816 there is always suffering. 1419 01:06:27,400 --> 01:06:28,943 You can't go it alone. 1420 01:06:29,777 --> 01:06:31,613 If you could, I would have found a way by now. 1421 01:06:31,696 --> 01:06:32,572 [audience laughs] 1422 01:06:32,655 --> 01:06:33,698 As an introvert... 1423 01:06:34,324 --> 01:06:38,495 and somebody who loves humanity but is más o menos on people... 1424 01:06:38,578 --> 01:06:40,997 -[audience laughs] -...I would have found a way. 1425 01:06:42,207 --> 01:06:45,293 Number four: "You can engineer the uncertainty and discomfort 1426 01:06:45,376 --> 01:06:46,503 out of vulnerability." 1427 01:06:46,586 --> 01:06:50,715 I work a lot with tech companies in Silicon Valley and around the world, 1428 01:06:50,798 --> 01:06:54,093 and they really want to engineer 1429 01:06:54,177 --> 01:06:57,555 the uncomfortable part out of vulnerability, 1430 01:06:57,639 --> 01:06:59,516 to the point where one of them said, 1431 01:06:59,599 --> 01:07:01,226 "We're thinking about an algorithm... 1432 01:07:01,309 --> 01:07:04,354 -[audience laughs] -...that could actually help you predict 1433 01:07:04,437 --> 01:07:07,690 when it's okay to be vulnerable with other people." 1434 01:07:08,441 --> 01:07:11,569 And I was like, "The minute it becomes comfortable, it's no longer vulnerability. 1435 01:07:11,653 --> 01:07:14,113 Call it whatever you want, but don't use that name on your app." 1436 01:07:16,908 --> 01:07:18,910 "Trust comes before vulnerability." 1437 01:07:18,993 --> 01:07:20,203 This is a hard one, right? 1438 01:07:20,411 --> 01:07:23,248 Like, do I trust you then I'm vulnerable with you? 1439 01:07:23,331 --> 01:07:26,125 Or am I vulnerable with you, and then I learn to trust you? 1440 01:07:26,209 --> 01:07:28,127 And the answer is "yes and..." 1441 01:07:28,211 --> 01:07:32,257 It's a slow stacking over time of vulnerability and trust. 1442 01:07:32,549 --> 01:07:35,927 We don't go out with, like, you know, the big guns, and like, 1443 01:07:36,010 --> 01:07:38,555 "Nice to meet you. I'm Brené. Here's my darkest secret. 1444 01:07:38,888 --> 01:07:39,931 Can I trust you forever?" 1445 01:07:40,390 --> 01:07:42,725 We start with little things, and we build over time, 1446 01:07:42,809 --> 01:07:45,562 and the more I share with you, and the more you honor that sharing. 1447 01:07:45,645 --> 01:07:46,854 But here's the thing... 1448 01:07:47,564 --> 01:07:50,400 you share with people who've earned the right to hear your story. 1449 01:07:50,483 --> 01:07:52,860 Your story is a privilege to hear. 1450 01:07:54,153 --> 01:07:57,240 You share it with people who've earned the right to hear it. 1451 01:07:57,448 --> 01:07:58,575 You don't share it... 1452 01:07:59,576 --> 01:08:00,410 just because. 1453 01:08:00,493 --> 01:08:03,496 Vulnerability minus boundaries: not vulnerability. 1454 01:08:05,248 --> 01:08:07,375 Last: "Vulnerability is disclosure." 1455 01:08:07,458 --> 01:08:09,335 This goes back to the boundary thing. 1456 01:08:10,086 --> 01:08:13,089 Live Tweeting your bikini wax: not vulnerability. 1457 01:08:13,172 --> 01:08:15,174 [audience laughs] 1458 01:08:15,258 --> 01:08:19,095 Sharing the intimate details of your divorce and your pain on Facebook 1459 01:08:19,178 --> 01:08:21,431 for your kids to read, who are reeling as well: 1460 01:08:21,514 --> 01:08:22,473 not vulnerability. 1461 01:08:23,474 --> 01:08:27,353 Again, vulnerability minus boundaries is not vulnerability, 1462 01:08:27,437 --> 01:08:31,441 and you don't measure vulnerability by the amount of disclosure. 1463 01:08:32,275 --> 01:08:36,404 You measure it by the amount of courage to show up and be seen 1464 01:08:36,487 --> 01:08:39,240 when you can't control the outcome. Does that make sense? 1465 01:08:40,950 --> 01:08:42,994 Okay, we're gonna end with a story. 1466 01:08:43,786 --> 01:08:48,750 So, Ellen, my daughter, decides to try swim team, and she tries-- 1467 01:08:48,833 --> 01:08:50,960 She decides to try a year-round swim team, 1468 01:08:51,044 --> 01:08:53,338 which is a big commitment 'cause we have a rule in our house 1469 01:08:53,421 --> 01:08:55,840 that if you try a sport, you've gotta finish the season. 1470 01:08:55,923 --> 01:08:59,135 So she-- I'm picking her up one day from swim team practice, 1471 01:08:59,218 --> 01:09:01,429 and she's-- she's young. She's probably... 1472 01:09:02,138 --> 01:09:05,725 maybe fifth grade, and I can see-- How many of you have had this experience? 1473 01:09:05,808 --> 01:09:09,395 I can see from her silhouette in front of me 1474 01:09:09,479 --> 01:09:11,856 when I'm still eight cars behind that she's crying. 1475 01:09:12,106 --> 01:09:14,359 Like, I can tell by the way she's holding her body 1476 01:09:14,442 --> 01:09:15,902 that things are not okay. 1477 01:09:16,235 --> 01:09:20,156 So I get up next to her. She gets in the car, and she's crying, and I said, 1478 01:09:20,239 --> 01:09:22,408 "What's wrong? What happened? What's going on?" She goes, 1479 01:09:22,700 --> 01:09:26,329 "I have to swim the 100 breaststroke in the meet this weekend." 1480 01:09:27,205 --> 01:09:30,208 And I'm thinking to myself, "No! Not the 100 breaststroke!" 1481 01:09:30,833 --> 01:09:33,461 And I was like, "Man, that's a tough race." 1482 01:09:33,544 --> 01:09:35,838 And she goes, "Mom, you know." And I was like, 1483 01:09:35,922 --> 01:09:38,591 "That's a tough race, girl." And-- And here's the thing. 1484 01:09:38,675 --> 01:09:40,009 Breaststroke is a hard stroke. 1485 01:09:40,093 --> 01:09:42,970 It's like, one day it just comes together, and you get it. 1486 01:09:43,054 --> 01:09:46,391 And like, the arms work with the frog legs, and it just happens. 1487 01:09:46,474 --> 01:09:50,853 But until then, while you're doing it, you actually don't propel forward. 1488 01:09:51,354 --> 01:09:52,271 Like, when you don't-- 1489 01:09:52,355 --> 01:09:55,233 You kinda go forward, then you come back, and then you go-- 1490 01:09:55,316 --> 01:09:59,278 And so, 100 yards is a long way for non-propelling. 1491 01:10:01,114 --> 01:10:03,658 I'm dying on the inside 'cause, you know, like, 1492 01:10:04,659 --> 01:10:07,328 I wasn't a great swimmer either, and I had those moments, 1493 01:10:07,412 --> 01:10:10,957 and, like, what I want to say is, "Well, run away and don't worry about it." 1494 01:10:11,040 --> 01:10:13,209 But I'm trying to be, like, the parent that-- 1495 01:10:13,292 --> 01:10:16,045 you know, the brave parent. I'm like, "It's a tough thing. 1496 01:10:16,129 --> 01:10:18,381 Let's get home, get you showered. Let's talk about it. 1497 01:10:18,464 --> 01:10:19,841 Let's talk about it with your dad." 1498 01:10:20,216 --> 01:10:22,343 And so we get home, 1499 01:10:22,802 --> 01:10:27,140 and she goes upstairs to take a shower, and she comes down, and... 1500 01:10:27,223 --> 01:10:30,435 Steve's home, and we sit down for dinner, and, you know, she starts crying again, 1501 01:10:30,518 --> 01:10:33,646 and she explains everything to her dad, and, you know, he's like, 1502 01:10:33,730 --> 01:10:36,733 "Well, I think we respect your coach, and it's your coach's call, 1503 01:10:36,816 --> 01:10:39,944 and I think you're gonna have to swim if that's the race you're put in." 1504 01:10:40,403 --> 01:10:43,364 And, you know, very much we aligned on messaging, 1505 01:10:43,448 --> 01:10:44,991 just like the books say. 1506 01:10:45,324 --> 01:10:49,412 And so she-- she starts crying. And she goes up after dinner and I'm like, 1507 01:10:49,495 --> 01:10:51,289 [grunts] "Curse you, Steve," and, 1508 01:10:51,372 --> 01:10:54,292 you know, like, "You should have got her out of this!" Um... 1509 01:10:54,375 --> 01:10:56,919 Then she comes back down real quick, and she goes, "So you're sure?" 1510 01:10:57,003 --> 01:11:00,465 -I'm like, "We're sure. This is--" -[audience laughs] 1511 01:11:00,548 --> 01:11:03,760 Yeah. So, but-- But I said, "Don't you think, Steve, 1512 01:11:03,843 --> 01:11:05,762 that she could take it up with her coach? 1513 01:11:05,845 --> 01:11:07,472 If you don't want to swim it, take it up with your coach." 1514 01:11:08,264 --> 01:11:11,434 She comes home the next day, and she said, "Coach Jason says I'm in. 1515 01:11:11,517 --> 01:11:14,270 A hundred yards-- 100 yards breaststroke. I'm doing it." 1516 01:11:15,146 --> 01:11:17,106 I said, "That's tough." Starts crying again, 1517 01:11:17,190 --> 01:11:19,567 and she said, "My friend said 1518 01:11:20,109 --> 01:11:21,861 that I could scratch my heat." 1519 01:11:22,945 --> 01:11:25,782 And so what that means is, in swim meets, they'll call an event, 1520 01:11:25,865 --> 01:11:27,074 like girls' 100 breaststroke, 1521 01:11:27,158 --> 01:11:29,911 then they start calling heat. Heat one, heat two, heat three. 1522 01:11:29,994 --> 01:11:31,871 And swim meets run like this, 1523 01:11:31,954 --> 01:11:35,124 and a lot of the time, swimmers miss their call. 1524 01:11:35,208 --> 01:11:38,503 And so, that's considered scratching the heat. So her friend said, 1525 01:11:38,586 --> 01:11:40,838 "Just don't show up when they call your heat." 1526 01:11:41,214 --> 01:11:44,634 Which I know all about because I scratched some heats in my day. 1527 01:11:45,218 --> 01:11:47,220 [audience laughs] 1528 01:11:47,553 --> 01:11:49,806 Only one or two, but for big races. 1529 01:11:50,389 --> 01:11:53,851 And I said, "You-- You could do that." And she goes, "I could?" 1530 01:11:53,935 --> 01:11:56,813 And I said, "You definitely could do that. I think it's a choice. 1531 01:11:56,896 --> 01:11:58,523 You'll have to take that up with your coach 1532 01:11:58,606 --> 01:12:01,108 if you don't show up on the blocks for, you know, for your race." 1533 01:12:01,192 --> 01:12:03,903 And she said, "Will I get grounded here?" 1534 01:12:04,695 --> 01:12:05,863 And Steve's like, 1535 01:12:05,947 --> 01:12:09,534 "No. No. I mean, that's your choice, Ellen, you know." 1536 01:12:09,617 --> 01:12:13,120 And then she just starts sobbing. She said, "I'll never win this race." 1537 01:12:14,038 --> 01:12:16,624 And I said, "You will never win this race." 1538 01:12:16,916 --> 01:12:19,669 I said, "That is for sure," and I said, "But you know what? 1539 01:12:19,752 --> 01:12:22,630 Sometimes winning is not coming in first. 1540 01:12:22,713 --> 01:12:25,508 Sometimes winning is doing the really brave thing. 1541 01:12:25,591 --> 01:12:29,554 Maybe winning for you is just coming off the block and getting wet. 1542 01:12:29,637 --> 01:12:31,430 Maybe that's winning for you. 1543 01:12:31,514 --> 01:12:33,432 Maybe that's what a win looks like." 1544 01:12:33,850 --> 01:12:34,851 She goes, 1545 01:12:36,018 --> 01:12:38,771 "So if I scratch the heat, I don't get grounded?" 1546 01:12:38,855 --> 01:12:41,941 -[audience laughs] -[Brené] And I said, "Yes. Right. Yeah." 1547 01:12:42,024 --> 01:12:44,110 So, it's meet day. We're there. 1548 01:12:44,193 --> 01:12:46,863 They call the heat. No-- We don't see Ellen. 1549 01:12:47,655 --> 01:12:49,365 And then all of a sudden, at the last minute, 1550 01:12:49,448 --> 01:12:51,576 she pops up on block number eight, you know, 1551 01:12:51,659 --> 01:12:54,245 so Steve and I situate ourselves at the end of the thing, 1552 01:12:54,328 --> 01:12:56,581 and then the gun goes off, and there they go. 1553 01:12:56,664 --> 01:13:00,293 And I can see her, and she is struggling, and she's trying, 1554 01:13:00,376 --> 01:13:04,463 and I can see, like, right kind of like at 75 yards, 1555 01:13:04,547 --> 01:13:07,383 she checks the lanes, you know, 'cause she's in a far lane. 1556 01:13:07,466 --> 01:13:08,634 She checks the lanes, 1557 01:13:08,968 --> 01:13:11,178 and she gets this look on her face like, 1558 01:13:11,929 --> 01:13:12,889 "I'm ahead." 1559 01:13:14,181 --> 01:13:16,684 And-- And you can see, you know, like, 1560 01:13:17,268 --> 01:13:19,312 "Oh, my God. I'm ahead!" 1561 01:13:19,395 --> 01:13:22,648 And then you can see, as she's finishing the final 25, 1562 01:13:22,732 --> 01:13:26,402 that she understands that there are no other swimmers in the pool, 1563 01:13:27,320 --> 01:13:30,072 that she's been lapped so badly 1564 01:13:30,156 --> 01:13:32,408 that the whole field is out of the pool, 1565 01:13:32,825 --> 01:13:34,577 and that, in fact, when she finishes, 1566 01:13:34,660 --> 01:13:37,788 not only are all the other girls from her heat out of the pool, 1567 01:13:37,872 --> 01:13:41,459 the next heat is on the blocks, ready to go in, 1568 01:13:41,542 --> 01:13:44,253 and people are just kinda watching but not watching. 1569 01:13:45,713 --> 01:13:48,466 And I can see her struggling to get out of the pool 1570 01:13:48,549 --> 01:13:49,800 'cause that's-- that was a big race. 1571 01:13:49,884 --> 01:13:52,595 When you're not going anywhere for that long, it's a lot of work. 1572 01:13:52,678 --> 01:13:53,930 I mean, it-- it's hard. 1573 01:13:55,139 --> 01:13:58,017 And I can see her, and she stops by her coach. 1574 01:13:58,100 --> 01:14:00,770 He kind of bends down on one knee, and you can see her talking to him, 1575 01:14:00,853 --> 01:14:03,648 and he's doing this, and she's just shaking her head. 1576 01:14:03,731 --> 01:14:05,024 And she didn't have her goggles off, 1577 01:14:05,107 --> 01:14:07,735 and I know she didn't have her goggles off 'cause I know she's crying. 1578 01:14:07,818 --> 01:14:09,362 And then she comes over and-- 1579 01:14:09,445 --> 01:14:11,072 You know, and her dad-- And, you know, me and Steve, 1580 01:14:11,155 --> 01:14:13,616 we were like mama and papa Phelps during this thing. 1581 01:14:13,699 --> 01:14:15,785 It was like she was going for the Olympic trial. 1582 01:14:15,868 --> 01:14:18,746 We were like, "Pull! Pull!" Like, you know? 1583 01:14:18,829 --> 01:14:21,540 There's no one in the water but Ellen, and people are just like, 1584 01:14:22,166 --> 01:14:24,669 "Wrap it up. Pull, whatever, just, like--" 1585 01:14:24,752 --> 01:14:26,128 [audience laughs] 1586 01:14:26,212 --> 01:14:28,130 And she comes over, and she pulls her goggles off, 1587 01:14:28,214 --> 01:14:30,049 and she's just like-- 1588 01:14:30,424 --> 01:14:33,719 Just, I think, ashamed and tired and exhausted. 1589 01:14:34,136 --> 01:14:36,931 And she said, "Can I say a cuss word?" 1590 01:14:37,473 --> 01:14:41,560 And I was like, "Oh, hell, yes, you can say a cuss word." 1591 01:14:41,644 --> 01:14:44,063 And she goes, "That sucked." 1592 01:14:44,146 --> 01:14:45,314 [audience] Oh! 1593 01:14:45,398 --> 01:14:46,482 [Brené] And I said, 1594 01:14:47,108 --> 01:14:49,193 -"That really did suck." -[audience laughs] 1595 01:14:49,276 --> 01:14:50,611 I said, "That sucked." 1596 01:14:51,278 --> 01:14:54,573 And then she stopped for a minute, and she was looking down, and she goes, 1597 01:14:59,787 --> 01:15:01,956 "But I was brave, and I won." 1598 01:15:02,039 --> 01:15:03,874 -[audience] Ah! [applauds] -You know? 1599 01:15:08,587 --> 01:15:09,547 And... 1600 01:15:11,298 --> 01:15:12,133 Yeah. 1601 01:15:12,675 --> 01:15:14,844 And, to me, she was brave, and she won. 1602 01:15:16,846 --> 01:15:17,763 Here's the thing. 1603 01:15:17,847 --> 01:15:18,889 I'm not gonna bullshit you. 1604 01:15:18,973 --> 01:15:22,810 Vulnerability is hard, and it's scary, and it feels dangerous, 1605 01:15:23,602 --> 01:15:26,480 but it's not as hard, scary, or dangerous 1606 01:15:26,564 --> 01:15:30,735 as getting to the end of our lives and having to ask ourselves, 1607 01:15:30,818 --> 01:15:32,486 "What if I would have shown up? 1608 01:15:32,903 --> 01:15:37,158 What if I would have said I love you? What if I would have come off the blocks?" 1609 01:15:38,701 --> 01:15:39,827 Show up, 1610 01:15:40,578 --> 01:15:42,997 be seen, answer the call to courage, 1611 01:15:43,581 --> 01:15:44,915 and come off the blocks 1612 01:15:45,291 --> 01:15:46,459 'cause you're worth it. 1613 01:15:47,126 --> 01:15:49,503 You're worth being brave. Thank y'all. 1614 01:15:49,587 --> 01:15:50,546 [audience applauds] 1615 01:15:50,629 --> 01:15:52,631 [cheering and whooping] 1616 01:15:58,929 --> 01:15:59,972 [Brené] Thank you. 1617 01:16:04,810 --> 01:16:07,772 Thank you! Thank y'all! 1618 01:16:11,317 --> 01:16:12,193 Good night! 1619 01:16:19,033 --> 01:16:21,035 [audience chattering]