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Does that work for you guys? Was the accent good?
No? I'm not doing it again.
And what the hell are we looking at here?
Is this an alien abduction movie?
Change this.
But ruling them isn't enough for this king.
What's this now? A dark room full of pot smokers.
This is how we're starting the movie? Change!
Our story begins here
in this Wild Westerworld.
What the fuck is this?!
You know what? Forget it. Just start this shit.
KING: Peasants of Wild Westerworld,
welcome to the sporting event of the weekend.
[cheering]
It's Aeneas! It's A-E-N-E-A-S.
Aeneas.
Shit. I think I'm going to go and, um...
I think I'm going to go to the tent and have my cock sucked.
[farts] Oh, fuck. I think I just...
- I just farted. - Up we go.
- This smells awful. - I think I just shat my pants.
[mumbling]
Gonna get myself cleaned up.
Fuck off! Master of Secrets, let's go.
- [squish] - KING: No!
What is this "Anus" shit?
His name is Aeneas! A-E-N-E-A-S.
You fucking peasants are so fucking uneducated.
"Anus." Put the fucking signs away!
Hello, girls.
[King Barbo laughs]
My name is Anus!
A-N-U-S!
[screams]
♪♪
I said wine! Give me some wine now!
Don't fucking spill it on me, you fucking idiot!
[gasping]
Yes?
- My lord. - Yes?
I have seen him.
Who have you seen?
The one who predicts our future.
The one who makes us envious.
The one who paints pictures of life and death
with one fell swoop of a tweet.
You brought me here for this?
I swear he was out here.
This is boring.
Boring.
Oh!
There!
Wow! Oh, my, he came back!
Man, it's such an honor.
Uh, it's like cool, man.
Wow!
- I've seen your future. - Yeah, I mean, look at that!
It's so bright, I gotta wear shades.
You know what I'm sayin'?
Unless you quit the violence around here,
all you motherfuckers are gonna die.
Now, I'm telling you.
You wanna be in any more books or TV shows,
y'all better stop killing each other.
And it shall be decreed thus.
No longer shall we live in a land where the defenseless
fall prey to vicious predators and sexual deviants.
Let us restore the peace which our ancestors once enjoyed.
Excuse me, my lord,
but there has never been peace in Wild Westerworld.
- No? - No, my lord.
Okay, um, let it thus be decreed
that it is time to come out of the Dark Ages,
into a new age of everlasting peace.
And that is why I want you to join us here
at Kingshire tomorrow, sundown,
for Purgefest 3000.
Sounds good, doesn't it?
I'm sorry, my lord, but did you say "purge?"
Yes! Yes, you impotent cocksucker.
Yes, I did.
But isn't a purge where you violently remove
a group of people?
No, no, no. It's more like a bar mitzvah with music
and just a few whores.
Make sure they're big tits. I like the big tits.
You know that.
After you've sent out the invites,
and everyone comes to the party,
and we've ushered them all into the hall,
I want you to make sure that the doors to the hall
are locked from the outside.
And then I want you to make sure
that we have plenty of dragonfire because...
I'm going to burn everyone alive.
[video game beeping]
[applause]
Thank you, thank you.
No, really, really, thank you. It was nothing.
Now it's your turn, baby brother.
[beeping]
Brendan, what are you doing? It's your turn.
Hold on, hold on. I almost got Miraxus.
Oh.
Flew away.
Hodog.
Our father, Lord Deadard Stork, is watching,
and so is our mother, Lady Stork,
and your ginger sister, Sansia,
and the Polish baker, the Puerto Rican gardener,
the carpenter, and a guy named Carlos.
Hey!
[crowd laughing]
Okay, okay, which one of you was a marksman at 10?
I see.
Well, keep practicing, Brendan. You'll get there soon enough.
I don't want to pressure you or anything,
but you're embarrassing our entire house.
Try to at least hit something near the target this time.
Just shoot.
Ah! Ow, ow, ow!
I'm all right. I'm okay, I'm fine, it's okay.
So what's happening?
It's stuck.
Oh, well. We did our best, did we?
That's all they can ask for.
Look! It's him!
My God, he's handsome.
Excuse me.
What's up, you horny bitches!
Can I get an autograph?
Nothing's up, really.
We're just talking about going to get some cheeses.
- Right, guys? - Yeah, yeah.
What about the wall?
The gate is stuck, Commander Doe.
Well, we'll do this the old-fashioned way.
Get some help here, brothers.
- Yes, Commander Doe. - Yes! Yes!
Pull!
Harder! Harder!
Ham, Ham.
Why are you grabbing my nipples?
Uh, I saw the other guys helping,
so I thought I'd join in.
How does that help the gate come down?
Yes? Well, indeed. Yeah, good point.
Uh, my deepest apologies. It won't happen again.
It's stuck.
Men, this is what you get
when you let Lord Trumpet the Orange
build the wall with the outsiders' money.
Men, get the torches!
There's someone coming.
Hello, everybody!
It's me, Lord Trumpet of Orange,
and I want to give you an update on my ratings.
They're incredible.
They're amazing. They're tremendous.
Talk about the wall, sir.
Shut up, Miller.
This amazing wall, which I installed
and was paid for by the brown people,
who, by the way, did not vote for me.
Very stupid. It's sad, frankly.
No brown people, sir.
This wall was built with the finest wood
in all of Wild Westerworld.
And as you can see, it's huge.
Just like my penis.
[Denise moaning] My stars!
You are like a stallion of Valdar!
Ohh! Ride me!
Ride me to the end of the world, you beast!
[speaking Spanish]
Denise, my skanky, slutty sister, there you are.
Look what just arrived from Kingshire.
It looks like an invitation to a party.
When they write the history of my reign,
it will start today.
[roars]
How exciting. What day is it?
February 31st! Now we shall travel to Kingshire at once
and deliver a special surprise to our friend, the king.
- I thought you hated the king. - Of course I hate him.
He's flatulating all over my throne.
But if you hate him, then why will you give him a surprise?
Never mind. Pack your things and bring the savage with you!
[moaning]
Ohh!
Good evening.
We're going to a party in Kingshire.
Are there snacks?
More snacks than you can imagine.
Can I come?
Of course you can come! You're the surprise!
Wait. I'm not popping out of a cake again.
We're going to give him our dragon?
No, no, not exactly.
We shall hide Piff inside a pie,
and the king will cut it, and then Piff will pop out
and eat the king in front of everyone,
and I will be the new ruler of Wild Westerworld.
Did you just say, "Eat the king?"
Yes, I did. Do you have a problem with that?
Well, I'm actually a pescatarian,
so I don't eat any living creature apart from fish
because they deserve it, because they're dickheads.
Then just chew his head off and spit it out.
What do I care? As long as he dies.
Can I choke him out? I'm not very good around blood.
Yes, I just need him dead.
Hold on, I've got a better idea.
What about Killer here?
Uh, no.
You will do the killing.
Well, I've already named him Killer,
so it just seems appropriate that he should kill.
I said no. You will kill him.
Fine, I'll kill him.
He'll be dead to you, just like you're dead to me.
Meet me by the pile of horseshit when he's done with you.
Which one?
[moaning]
Diego, my moon and my stars,
can you go harder?
Harder! Harder like you're taking me to the moon!
[speaking Spanish]
Yes! Yes!
♪ Oh ♪
♪ She likes ♪
♪ Boys ♪
♪ Parties ♪
♪ Style ♪
♪ Fame ♪
♪ She likes ♪
♪ Glamor ♪
♪ Runway ♪
♪ Style ♪
♪ Fame ♪
♪ She likes gossip ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ She likes gossip ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪ She likes gossip ♪
♪ Oh ♪
[owl screeching]
[screams]
[gasps]
Oh, my God!
It's got like an invitation. It's a party!
Clearly that's for me. This is my pool.
Yeah, but...
[gasps]
Thank you!
Phone, Sebastian, give me my phone.
Thank you.
Oh, my God! Me too!
Pack your things because we're going to a party!
Oh, well, this says it's like,
"Genocide, but without the Jews.
And bring your own whores."
Oh, my God, you're right.
We could be the whores! [laughs]
Oh, my God, we're gonna be so famous!
Come on, Sebastian!
[vomits]
Why?
Because it's Purgefest.
Duh. [vomits]
Oh, no! Oh, no! I told you guys.
I told you we shouldn't have come here.
No! We're going to die!
Gods, help us! [screaming]
Where are you going? You fucking cowards!
HAM: Johnny, do something!
Do the hair!
Yeah!
The dance magic! Yeah, do it, Johnny!
♪♪ [disco]
♪♪ [continues]
Shake your hair, bitch! Do it!
Oh, that's hot! That's hot!
Oh, yeah, yeah! Go for all of them.
All of them!
Wow!
Fuck me!
Do it, Johnny! Do...
[whooshing]
Holy mother of...
Holy shit!
Uncle Tony, Lord of Iron!
Holy shit! How did you do that?
Screw my suit. You guys going to Purgefest?
Ah, my family wouldn't want me there. I'm a bastard.
Your family won't want you there?
I'm your family! You know what you need?
You need some makeup.
Make yourself pretty on the inside.
- Does that work? - Does it work?
How do you think I met your mother?
- You know my mother? - Of course!
- I'm your uncle. - Who is she?
Listen, go to Purgefest, you'll meet your mother.
Can't go right now. I gotta go to Segovia.
I got a hot widow in a castle, and she's waiting for me.
But you guys, I'll see you at Purgefest?
- All right, good. - Later, guys.
- So cool. - [whoosh]
Everyone has a weird uncle.
- [pop] - Sorry, Father.
I was aiming for the target, but he was in the way.
It's okay, boy.
Lord Stork, Lady Stork.
The guardsmen have returned from the hillside.
They captured the deserter from the wall.
Tell the men to saddle the horses.
- Brendan, you come with me. - Are you sure, Deadard?
Don't you think he's too young to see such things?
He won't be a child forever, my dear.
This will be a good lesson for him.
Come on, Brendan.
I will teach you how to deal with the deserters.
I got peanuts!
Beer!
Toy heads for the kids!
Peanuts! Peanuts!
Is there anything you'd like to say in your defense
before I deliver your sentence?
Yeah. I know I hopped the wall, but I'm not a goddamn deserter.
I know I shouldn't have ran, but I saw what I saw,
so I went as fast as me legs could carry.
You might think I deserve to die like a dog.
People won't hear the truth. Made a cat eat all your ears.
And the devil ate the cat, and that's all.
Does anyone understand what this man said?
No.
Very well. Off with his head.
Yay!
Fucking gobshite.
[low audio] In the name of Walter of the House of Falafel...
DIRECTOR: Cut! Cut, cut, cut, cut!
We can't hear you! Where's the boom guy?
- Is he union? - No!
Yay! I'm free!
In the name of Walter of the House of Falafel,
I, Deadard, son of Fendrial, husband of Lady Stork,
lover of Athena, Catrina, Seraphina, and Salvador,
father of Macauley McCulkin,
Boped, Ariana, Celsia...
Oh, just do it already!
Who said that?
Father. Sorry, I just...
I can't stand the sight of real blood.
This is the old way, boy.
The man who passes the sentence must deliver the blow.
Now, put that game down. Come here.
I'll chop his head off.
Hodog.
You may go. My boy will hold him down.
Now hold him. Hold still.
Steady.
I told you to stay steady!
Here comes Lady Stork. Don't say a word.
Oh, hello, my dear. What brings you here?
Where's Brendan?
He had a small accident,
but it's nothing the maester can't fix.
We just received an invitation to Kingshire for Purgefest 3000.
What is that?
A party to purge all violence from the kingdoms.
That is wonderful!
I think that you should go alone.
Our enemies will be there,
and it may be dangerous for the children.
- What say you? - Father!
Prince Jizzy will be there, and I must meet him.
He's the love of my life. I'm going to marry him.
I want to lie naked in his bed
while he drizzles hot honey all over my body.
Now, now, don't get upset.
There's no safer place in the entire realm
than Kingshire, my dear.
I'm certain that nothing bad will happen to us.
My children, pack your bags.
We're going to the capital!
♪♪ [fanfare]
♪♪ [hip-hop]
[clapping]
- [spits] - [clang]
And now the benevolent,
the magnificent,
and the extremely dignified
Prince Jizzy!
[singular clapping]
CURSEY: That's my boy!
♪ Ladies, ladies All the sexy ladies ♪
♪ Longing for a prince like me ♪
♪ Some of them be cherry red ♪
♪ Some be lewd and some be shrewd ♪
♪ All longing for a prince like me ♪
Mongrel, you're in the wrong key!
I believe it is the right one, Your Grace.
What did you say?
That you are right, Your Grace.
I believe the only right key
is the one that will open the door to this shithole,
so we can all get out before this penis starts singing again.
What did you call me?
Your Mostly Honorable...
Prince Jizzy, of course.
That's what I thought.
Mongrel, kill him!
Mommy!
Ha! That's it! Run to mommy, ya bitch.
Mongrel, go play something for me.
Go! [laughs]
Mommy!
♪♪ [hard rock]
I like my boy strong.
Ooh!
Yes!
[no audible dialogue]
Now, good boy.
Did you get your invitation to Purgefest?
I got it. It's a good plan.
What are you talking about?
It's the stupidest idea I've ever heard.
Just another one of my husband's stupid, bloody ideas
that drunk bastard...
What?
It's a brilliant opportunity to kill him.
What did you say?
I said Purgefest is an excellent opportunity
to kill your husband.
You're not just a beautiful face, are you?
You've got stuff going on up there.
I love it when you talk dirty to me.
After the king is dead,
our son will take the throne.
- Jizzy? - Jizzy.
- Jizzy.
- Jizzy? - Jizzy.
Jizzy!
Ohh!
Mother?
Hello, s-s-s... Nephew.
I heard someone in this direction calling my name.
Oh?
Oh, honey, you must be hearing things.
Why don't you go run along and play with yourself?
I'm not finished with your uncle.
Can I go shoot peasants with my crossbow?
No, honey, not today.
I just can't be bothered with any maimed bumpkins
whining with their retched families at the castle gates.
- Please, Mother! - Not today!
Sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
What's this?
- Is this a toy from the future? - [laser shots]
Oh, dear, oh, dear. Give your uncle his hand back!
Give your uncle his hand back now!
No way! It's too much fun!
No!
You know what?
Darling.
I changed my mind.
You can go shoot the peasants now, darling.
Thank you, Mother.
♪♪ [fanfare]
Hello, everybody.
Have you noticed the beautiful white swans behind me?
They remind me of my favorite type of people:
Graceful and white.
Very, very white.
Inclusivity, sir.
They are so beautiful,
and they love me for bringing them into this world,
almost as much as my beautiful Russian mail-order bride.
And you know what the best part about the swans is?
They're just as racist as I am.
Non-racist, sir.
Non-racist as I am.
It's so beautiful out here.
I wonder who planted all these trees.
Must've spent a fortune in gardeners.
Hey, where are you going, you asswipe?
Come back here! I'll sue you.
- Where'd he go? - I can't believe he did that.
Let's get out.
Okay. Let's check it.
Whoa!
Okay, I'm fine.
Okay.
Where did he go?
- Oh, no. Your tit's hanging out - Oh, yeah.
Uh, put it away for once.
No one can see.
Yeah, that's true.
- What are we gonna do? - I don't know.
You've got to be kidding me right now.
When you meet your gods,
tell them Shaggy, son of Scooby,
from the Rock, Paper, Scissor clan sent you.
Please don't kill me.
♪♪ [chorus]
And... [clears throat]
Tell me...
where do women of your physique come from?
The hills of Beverly.
Do they all have the same curves as you?
Most do, yes, if they can afford it.
I think we may have to visit someday!
[laughs]
After we kill you.
What? [gasps]
[laughs]
- Get out! - Just do it.
Okay, okay. [clears throat]
Mr. Shaggy, my name is Clueless of House Kardushian.
[grunts]
Tell me, Clueless, how would you like to die?
Choking on a gallon of mint chocolate chip ice cream
in my Jacuzzi,
while having sex with you.
[laughs]
The fat one's got a sense of humor!
Take her as a slave and kill the other one.
- What? - What?
Who are you calling fat, bitch!
Oh, yeah!
Oh, she's feisty.
Give me back my hammer or the family dies.
Hang on a second!
How many followers do you have?
I have five followers.
How do you expect me to take you seriously
if you only have five followers?
How many do you have?
Thousands.
Where are they?
They're in here.
And when I make my sex tape,
I'll have millions and millions of followers.
Well, join the club!
Everyone does that around here.
Really?
Oh, yeah! Practically all the time.
Yeah! [grunts]
How am I supposed to get famous now?
Somebody say famous?
Me.
Me famous?
[whispering] I can make all you bitches famous.
[gasps] [screaming]
- Can we take a selfie? - Oh, my God, yeah!
Okay, duck face.
Famous!
Your Majesty.
- [twang] - [yelps]
Shut up! I'm... I'm hunting.
- My apologizes, my lord. - Yes!
You've done it again, Your Majesty.
First shot.
Very good. Take that beast
and give it to the cook for tonight's feast.
The event is just hours away, my lord.
Yes.
The, um...
Yes, spit it out.
The dragonfire has disappeared.
Dragonfire has disappeared? How does the dragonfire...
How does the dragonfire disappear?
I'm afraid I do not know, my lord.
I'm going to explain one thing to you.
You're gonna get rid of all those people tonight.
I don't care how you do it.
You throw them off the castle wall.
You drown them in the moat.
Feed them to the little beasties of the fucking forest.
Use your imagination, will ya, man?
I'll think of something.
Hold my wine.
Ah, come here, you little bastard.
- [whoosh] - [groans]
Any more bad news for the king today?
Lord Deadard Stork and his family are about to arrive.
Would you like to greet him?
Well, yes, of course I'd like to greet
my dear long-lost friend.
I mean, why didn't you bring that up in the first place?
Do you wanna tell me, you fucking...
The king is like a feather in the air.
He goes whichever way the wind blows.
And right now Deadard is blowing him hard.
[tapping]
Oh, that's lovely.
Good work. Yes.
[grunts] Ah, there we go.
Lord Trumpet's wall.
Journal entry number one.
It's cold as shit out here in the middle of nowhere
as we look for nothing for no reason whatsoever.
The story of my life.
A bastard life.
I'm bored.
We can be on our way to Purgefest right now.
No one wants two more bastards.
Oh, come on.
Half of the people in this kingdom are bastards,
and the other half are just inbred morons.
Besides, there will be women,
entertainment, chesses.
Hmm? All the essentials.
♪ I'm a bastard child ♪
♪ Living on a wall ♪
♪ With 40 celibate men ♪
Uh, wait. I didn't want to scare you,
but I received a note from an owl earlier
that said the Storks might be in danger.
When did you see an owl?
Uh, it-it was when I...
When I went to the bathroom.
I've been with you all day. Who sent it?
It was anonymous.
I've never heard of him. Where is it?
I-I burned it.
Why would you burn the message?
Because I was afraid it would get into the wrong hands.
Look, we can discuss this forever,
but the point is we don't have much time.
If we don't head out now, your family might be killed.
My family doesn't want to see me.
Oh, bloody hell. Are you going to sit here
moping all day about not having a mother?
Or are you going to get up and do something?
Let's go to Purgefest right now!
Both of us. Let's do it.
Yes, you're right.
- Pack your bags. - Yes.
- Get your best dress. - Yes!
I'll get the car. We're going to Purgefest!
Yes! Yes, let's do it, Johnny!
Don't tell me you're playing that stupid game again.
It's not stupid. I like it.
Promise me you won't play with it while were in Kingshire.
Promise.
Hodog, no playing.
Hodog, Hodog.
Your Grace.
You look old.
And you're so fat,
the last time they took out the catapult,
they thought you were the boulder.
[chuckling]
Just like the old days!
- Your Grace. - Hello, darling.
Tight as a fist, as always, hmm?
And where are the little ones?
Ooh!
Not so little anymore, are ya, Little Bobby?
Tortured any defenseless little puppies lately?
[laughing]
Oh! You must be the tomboy, hmm?
Ohh! Hmm?
[laughing]
Hello in there!
Ohh!
Oh, it's the pretty little girly one.
She loves to play with the little dollies, does she?
The little dollies! Ohh!
Ah! And what have we here? We have the athletic little one.
Up and down. Show us those legs.
I like pussy.
Hodog.
Oh.
- Pussy. - Hodog.
Mm.
Welcome to Kingshire.
Mi casa, su casa.
Meet the family. Come here!
This is Cursey, my wife.
[kiss]
And Johnny.
"Bang Bang Johnny" we call him.
Because he likes to bang anything that fucking moves.
And Jizzy, my boy. I'm so fucking proud of him.
Great shot with that thing.
I think he looks just like you.
He does, does he?
Tell me about this Purgefest.
Why this big party all of the sudden?
You've never done anything like this before.
Well, excuse us.
We've got a little talk. Come on.
You're the best friend I have in the whole wide world,
so I'm gonna be honest with you.
This isn't a party.
I'm gonna just kill the competition
before it kills me, right?
You're becoming paranoid.
Everyone loves you.
Me? I'd give my left testicle for you!
That's 'cause you're a moron.
Call me what you will.
But I still believe in the old ways:
Loyalty, honesty, character, and integrity.
Okay, I'll go get a snack.
While I figure out
how to murder every single one of them.
That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen.
At least use a fork and knife, you pig.
And what's taking you so long? I'd like to keep moving.
[speaking Spanish]
You are an embarrassment to me and our entire family.
When I rule the Eight Kingdoms,
I will have to educate you properly.
You can't just be on a rocking horse
with that beast of yours
and dining on horse parts with your bare hands!
[speaking Spanish]
We're about to produce
the greatest dynasty the world has ever known.
We are dragons!
Well, I'm a dragon. I don't know what you are.
- Actually, I'm the dragon. - How dare you correct me!
You say I'm the dragon. You say I'm the dragon!
- You're the drag... - Say I'm the dragon!
- You're the dragon. - And don't you forget it.
And by the way...
Aaahh!
That's what a real dragon sounds like.
Take it easy. Diego's going to get mad.
- [shitting] - So what if he gets mad?
The imbecile doesn't even speak the common tongue.
He's getting pissed.
He may not speak it, but he understands it.
I want to go! Now!
I want the crown I deserve!
[speaking Spanish]
Okay, what did he say?
He said he'll give you your crown.
No! What? Denise, what's happening?
What is he doing with that bucket?
No, you keep that away from me.
I am the king!
A crown for a king!
No!
- I think he's dead. - Sí.
- You want some of this? - Yes, please, thank you.
Mmm! Yum, yum, yum, yum.
[gibberish]
I have stolen all the dragonfire
and hidden it in the basement.
Yes.
When all the families sit down for the feast,
I will burn them,
and you and I will be the new rulers of the kingdom!
Yes! I got you, you nasty little devil.
Now, wait till I tell all of my friends about you.
They won't believe it.
Get him!
Quite the little pervert, aren't you?
What's happening? What's going on?
I was just up here having some fun.
Having some fun? Is that what you call it?
I was playing with my dragon.
Clobbering the creature, yes?
- Popping the beast. - Chasing the serpent?
Tickling the lizard? We get it.
What are you doing? You're going to kill him.
I'm saving our asses.
The kid is just playing Dragon Bone.
Right.
Can I have my Dragon Bone back, please?
This does nothing but numb your brain
and get you in trouble.
No! My Dragon Bone!
[game shatters]
It's okay.
The game... still works.
He's still alive.
It's a miracle.
I saw the best joust match the other day.
Anus stuck the tip of his lance into the other guy's neck.
There was blood gushing everywhere.
It was pretty fun.
Sounds interesting.
No, I don't.
Do it.
Okay!
[coughing]
[coughing continues]
What is it, my sweet lady?
Does Mongrel bother you?
Away with you, Mongrel! You're scaring my lady!
There. Now it's just the two of us.
So...
what do you like to do for fun?
I sew, cook, masturbate, clean.
Twice a day in that order.
A traditional woman. I like that.
I'm not into these woman who want to work
or fight or talk.
Take that, fatty!
You'll never defeat me!
Don't worry, milady, I've got this!
Why should I be worried?
- You're safe with me. - From what?
Surrender your weapon, fat boy!
Let go of my girl's sister,
or I'll slice you in half like a loaf of bread.
Hey, man, relax.
I'm not a man. I'm your prince.
Dude, seriously. Stop messing around.
We're actors on a movie.
Don't move. I saw it with my own eyes.
You attacked her with your sword.
No, he didn't. He's my friend
This?
It's just a stick. Do you want it?
En garde!
- Don't, Jizzy! - Quiet, my lady.
No one can defeat me in combat.
Now fight me like a man!
- [crack] - Ohh!
[chuckling]
How dare you hit your prince.
You aren't a prince.
- You're a penis. - What did she call me?
She called you a prince, sir.
You're nothing but a little penis.
A walking, talking penis.
Admit it to everybody here that you are nothing but a penis.
Never.
Say it!
No!
No! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Mommy! Ow! Mommy!
Why don't people like me?
They're jealous of you, sir.
Am I good-looking?
[clears throat] Yeah. Yeah, you are.
You hesitated for a bit there.
No, no, I didn't.
- Look, you did it again. - No.
You... You're doing...
Oh, all right, all right.
All right, fuck you!
You think you're ever gonna be king, my boy?
You've got another thing coming.
You're always gonna be a little prince
who's got a little dick.
This is the biggest dick you're ever gonna see, my boy.
In this water, this reflection,
is the only dick you're ever gonna have.
So are you guys coming with us to Purgefest or what?
I don't know.
I don't know if that place is our scene, really.
Who is that?
The fat one?
No, the one with the hair.
He's so hot.
You two need to leave!
There is no place for you in here.
Now leave before I smash you with my hammer!
Oh, uh, I see.
Well, I think I saw another inn a few steps from here.
Maybe we should go to that one, shouldn't we?
Yeah.
Why should we leave?
We have the same right to be here as any of you.
Is that so?
Men!
On the bar. On the bar!
The maester says it's a miracle he's still alive.
Help. Help!
Our boy is strong. He will survive. You'll see.
I think someone pushed him out of that tower, Deadard.
I think he saw something he shouldn't have seen,
and they tried to murder him.
[laughs] Come on! Who would do such a thing?
Johnny and Cursey!
I don't know! The Boltons, the Freys,
the High Pigeon.
Could've been anyone.
Maybe even Elay, my sister.
That's outrageous!
Those are all the nice families you're talking about.
Elay, my sister, would never hurt a child.
Hodog.
We have to watch our backs, Deadard.
You never know who would stab us in the back.
I think you need to rest.
You're becoming paranoid like the rest of them.
Wait, wait, wait! Where you going?
I'm going to get to the bottom of this!
Lord Stork, the king would like to talk to you in private.
Yes, of course. I'll be there.
What's happening? What's happening?
- [stab] - [groans]
Ham!
You A-hole!
I'm sorry!
Next! Step right up, step right up!
Who wants to kill a bastard?
Here, mate. I'll take those two.
[groans] You bastard.
[groans] Come on.
I wasn't any good, was I?
I wasn't any good.
I want to fuck!
Hello. [laughs]
Having a wonderful time here.
Oh, God, I miss your sister.
You know, the old days, they were beautiful.
Your sister was a real goer. She was such a partier,
with the little tits and that ass of hers.
Ah, she was wonderful. She reminds me of you.
How do you keep your stomach flat like that?
I have to get on a diet.
I mean, I'm good in bed, but I'm not like your sister.
She could take 45 people in one go.
One time I saw her with a camel with it all in her mouth.
It was quite beautiful in some horrific kind of way.
Anyway, do you wanna have a little shot with this one?
Wanna have a little shot? [grunts]
Whoa, whoa, whoa. How can I help you, my lord?
What I...
Oh, I do need a favor from you.
Whatever it is, you can count on me, my lord.
You're like my brother.
Yes, all right. Don't interrupt the king.
Now, you know that I am surrounded
by a bunch of moneygrubbing ass-licking,
scummy little piggy, alcoholic people in this kingdom,
and somebody is going to try and kill me tonight, okay?
Listen, listen, we already discussed this.
Don't you...
Don't fear the ungrounded.
No one would dare harm a king.
Okay, well, I happen to disagree with you,
and therefore I'm going to command you to protect the realm
for my little jizzy-wizzy boy,
so he can come and take all of the things
and have it all, okay?
You can count on me, my lord. I'll be there.
Okay, thank you. All right, go on now.
You want to have a little shot? 'Cause I'm gonna go again.
Come here.
Mmm.
That column won't hit back, you know.
Who are you?
I am a master dancer,
lover,
and the best swordsman you have ever seen!
My name is Zorrio Furrel.
Oh, the grip is a bit slippery. Excuse me.
What are you doing here?
Chasing rats!
- Part of your training? - No.
The rodent situation in Kingshire is out of hand.
Sword.
Here. Catch this sword.
Looks like your reflexes could use some practice.
Pick up your weapon.
That is not the way, boy!
I'm a girl.
That cannot be true. Anyway...
this is how you pick up a sword.
[grunts]
[chuckles]
Ugh!
Ooh! Ooh!
I am just showing you how not to do it. Ah!
Wouldn't want to knock yourself in the giggle berries.
I don't have giggle berries. I'm a girl!
Oh, the sword is all badly balanced.
Last time.
That is how you do it!
Now get into the fighting position.
That is not the fighting position.
Turn to me side-faced!
Sideways.
Yes, that is what I said: Side-faced.
I have been the first swordsman of the Bravados for 20 years.
You must listen to me, boy!
I'm a girl!
No way. Where are your boobies then?
- I'm like ten! - Very well then.
Turn side-faced!
Good. Now try to strike me.
Ooh! Ooh, you...
I wasn't expecting that.
I'm sorry.
You knocked the wind out of me.
Let me help you up.
You have to wait for me to say go, okay?
Go.
Not above the shoulders!
Don't have the proper gear for that!
You're only supposed to hit me in this section here.
Follow me. I will teach you to Fandango!
And then perhaps you will become a great swordsman like me.
♪♪ [Spanish guitar]
Fandango!
Yeah! There! Olé!
Olé!
Ariana, what in the name of the Old Guard are you doing?
Zorrio was teaching me to Fandango.
Zorrio Furrel at your service.
We must go. Purgefest is about to begin.
Yes, Father.
Keep practicing and you will go far.
I must go to chase the rats.
Good luck, boy!
Hello, everybody!
It's me, Lord Trumpet,
here at the tremendous Trumpet Maze.
Everyone loves this maze. You know why?
Because only white people can get through it
and brown people get trapped.
Sir! Sir, I'm stuck! Sir, I need help.
Sir!
Sir, I can't get out! Sir!
Total loser.
Oh, no, Johnny.
[gasps] Ohh!
What did you do, KK? Why'd you have to stab him?
- I didn't stab him. - Yes, you did.
You're a murderer. Admit it.
I didn't do it.
Okay, if you didn't,
then you did it!
I didn't do it. I saw you do it.
Me? No! I would never kill John Doe.
You sure about that?
Oh, no, I did.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, I did.
Okay, well, let's just get him into the back room, okay?
Oh, yeah.
- Sam, come on! - Okay, let's go.
Oh, God.
Eight hundred paces, and we'll be in Kingshire.
I will be the first female ruler of all of Wild Westerworld.
My destiny awaits.
Do you have horse heart by any chance?
Horse heart? Oh, sure.
- Okay. - Can you make a sad face?
Okay, let's go this way.
Oh, no.
Oh, Johnny, what do we do? What do we do?
His clothes, rip them off.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Help, Kocky.
No chance.
Can you get his...
Hello, lady-boys.
Oh, look who it is. It's the Red Sorceress.
Perhaps she can bring him back to life.
Uh, that's not the Red Sorceress.
That's our stepdad, Trans Jenner.
All right, I'm out.
What's going on?
That man saved us from the bad people,
and now he's dead
Why are his clothes coming off?
I just wanted to see what he looked like naked.
Oh, is that what you're looking for?
I can just tell you what it looks like.
Oh, he's so, so warm.
And so, so soft.
Leave the room.
I can't make any promises.
I need to work my jazz fingers.
- Come on, Clueless. - No, I... I'm not done!
[speaking Spanish]
[stomach rumbling]
Ooh!
[farts]
At least light a match.
My sun and my stars...
[gasps, coughs]
May I borrow your ponytail?
My hair is falling all over my...
[tears] Aah!
Here.
Take it.
Burn him.
¿Qué?
Lets go conquer the Eight Kingdoms.
Sorry, buddy.
[Diego screaming]
Dad, are you gonna be much longer?
They just burned a man alive in the pub.
I'm just doing some magic. What do you need?
Just wanted to make sure everything is okay!
Yes, everything is fine! Just let me finish!
Okay, I will!
[air hissing]
Ugh!
My boy! What has happened?
Who did this? [gasps]
Who are you?
What are you doing in my son's room?
- What's that up there? - Where?
[laughing]
That's a funny place to keep a rabbit.
Show your face, you coward! Show your face!
[laughing]
- Hodog! - Stay in bed, my boy.
I will catch the man who was trying to kill you!
What happened to me?
You were dead.
I just blew you back to life.
WOMAN: You're not gonna put it in there, are you?
TROLL: Too late! [grunting]
Who is that?
That's Summer. Summer is coming.
That must be him.
[moaning]
I don't know how you manage to do all of us at once.
You're a true master.
If I told you my secret, I'd have to kill you both.
Ooh! Right.
So close your eyes now. Come on.
Both of you, close your eyes. That's it.
You can open them now!
Your time is up, troll! You're coming with us!
Where to?
Grab him.
- [giggling] - Excuse me.
- Put me down, you shit! - Come on, troll!
Wait, I didn't get a chance to punch my frequent doer card.
Ah, keep it in your pants, troll.
Tell me brother!
[video game beeping]
Hodog. Hodog!
TROLL: Please, look, please!
Git! Come on, come on!
Ooh! [chuckling]
Please, look, please.
We have to be reasonable about this here.
If you explain what it is that you want,
I'm sure we can sort it.
If I'm not at the Purgefest in the next couple of hours,
all my family is gonna come looking for me!
Why'd you do it?
Why did I do what?
Why did you do it?
If you explain to me what it is that I did,
perhaps I can tell you why I did it!
Ooh! Aah!
Ah, bloody hell.
I think I'm chafing from all the walking already.
Oh, John, you wouldn't happen to have
some of that oil you put on your hair
to rub on my thighs, would you?
- Oh! - What? What is it?
Is the flash too bright?
No, no. We need to get out of here.
There is no way I'm leaving this party early.
Stop, stop, stop.
Look, I know the future, and shit's about to pop off.
Quick, take a photo of me holding the statue's tiny penis.
Okay, how's that?
Do I look like I'm holding it?
- Yeah, right on it. - [click]
Is that small enough?
- Yeah. - Okay.
Stop!
[coughing] Guys!
I just farted.
Down. Quiet.
Seriously, it's like a Dutch oven in here.
Ooh, grapes. Mmm!
Can't be discovered.
- More grapes, more grapes! - Shh!
Where is your mother and your brother?
Purgefest is about to begin.
♪♪ [fanfare]
Welcome to Purgefest 2... 3000.
[cheering]
For as long as I can remember,
my kingdom has been, uh...
Well, it's been known for its sexual perversions, isn't it?
[cheering]
- And for its corruption. - [cheering]
Violence, its betrayals, and its bloodshed.
[cheering]
We're gonna put an end to all that.
There's gonna be no more raping
and no more killing around here.
We're gonna hand in our smartphones
'cause I don't want no more pornography.
And were gonna hand in all of our weapons,
and I mean everything.
I mean no more kitchen knives,
no more forks, nothing you can do nothing with.
Didn't they read the invite?
Most of the people in our kingdom
are illiterate, my lord.
They just heard there was free food and a party.
I have the king just where I want him.
Now, after just a little manipulation
of Johnny Bang Bang,
then it's just a matter of time before I mount the throne.
Enough!
I'm the fucking king! [spits]
And I declare that anyone participating
in these violent activities
is gonna be expelled from the Eight Kingdoms.
[confused chatter]
What?
The Storks have kidnapped my little brother.
I demand he be released immediately.
Wait a minute. No, I mean, you told me this morning
you wanted that little fella punished, didn't you?
Yes. I despise him.
But he is still my little brother.
I can't allow a Stork to kidnap someone with my own blood.
If they don't return him to us immediately,
you must ban them from the Eight Kingdoms,
according to the declaration you just made.
[video game beeping]
Come on, you wretched scuzzball.
Gonna get you already. Hold still!
Speak, troll!
Meet your gods as an honest man! Confess!
Never! Oww!
All right, I confess, I confess.
I choked him,
and I slapped him all around the floor till he bled.
- I'm an evil man! - Who are you talking about?
The Lord Commander of the Southern Forces.
He's here!
In my pants. Would you like to meet him?
Tell me the truth.
All right, all right, I confess.
I'm the reason why all the dragons are extinct.
I screwed them all into their extinction.
I built the wall with my wank hammer.
I stabbed a crazy king with my flesh saber.
That's enough! You tried to kill my son!
Oh, well, why would I want to kill your son?
I don't know! You tell me!
Ohh!
What, no more wax? [laughs]
Yes! I got you!
Hodog, Hodog, Hodog.
Hodog!
Oh, shit.
[boom]
What was that?
The king into fireworks? What the fuck is that?
Well, I guess we know...
what happened to the dragonfire now.
You check it out. I'll take care of the troll.
Yes, Mother.
Ohh. Ooh, ooh!
You're turning me on, you... [laughs]
Now we will have to find some other way to kill the king.
Whoever did this must have known our plans.
DEADARD: Bobb, where's your mother?
She has the troll. She's trying to make him confess.
You must tell her to bring him to the feast immediately,
or our entire family's gonna be banned from the Eight Kingdoms!
Yes, Father, I shall go now.
This was the work of a true genius.
Yes!
I did it!
I got the bone!
I am the dragon master!
- How are you guys? - This is so much fun.
Commander.
I've come to help.
John, I thought you were at the wall.
I heard you were in trouble, Father.
Who told you we might be in trouble?
My friend Ham.
Ham?
The fat guy?
No, just one bite.
No.
No, I'm...
Come on.
Deadard, where is the troll?
I know nothing about the troll. I swear it to it!
He's lying. Look at him.
Release him at once
or be banished from the kingdom, my brother.
Bros before ho's.
Here he is, Your Grace.
This troll tried to murder my son.
That's not true!
- I'm innocent! - Ugh!
That's a very low thing that you did there, troll.
I'm gonna have to cut you down to size.
Since you're in the arena,
I demand a trial by... twerking.
[laughing]
[laughing continues]
What's twerking?
Allow me, Your Grace, to defend my family's honor.
No, bastard. As the firstborn,
I shall defend my mother's honor.
The two of you, sit down.
I am the one who must defend my wife's honor.
Hey!
I will twerk the troll to death!
Wait a second!
You're four times the size of me!
I demand a champion. I have the right!
Well, who's your champion going to be?
I name my nephew, Jizzy Lays-my-sister.
Let's see him twerk!
I can't twerk. I'm just... a dick.
Ha! About time you admitted it.
Right.
I choose... Hodog!
Hodog.
♪♪ [hip-hop]
Show him, Dad!
- Help! - Yep, yep.
Not yet.
I do not wish to continue this battle.
I will spare Hodog's life and let the troll live.
I demand nothing in return.
He was my friend.
He could've been somebody, instead of a bum.
Deadard, no!
Die!
I... want... you... to... die!
My own wife.
My own beautiful wife.
What happened to you?
Jizzy is not your son.
Yeah, but he really looks just like me.
JIZZY: I'm king.
[laughs] I'm king!
Yes, son, of course you're king. You're king.
I'm king.
And you're mine.
Okay, guards, kill all the Storks.
Kill them all! Kill everyone!
Wait! Except Sansia.
I want to give her a pearl necklace and a foot rub.
[screams]
That's it. Shh.
You want some, do ya? Do ya?
That's it. Shh.
Hey, come here, you little bastard!
Go back to the wall!
Die!
[grunts]
[stab]
Hodog!
Hodog! Hodog!
[laughs]
Who wants to see a magic trick?
[screams] I'm melting!
Melting!
Melting, melting!
This is Trumpet Arena, the greatest arena in the world!
I own it!
I strongly advise you to leave the area, sir.
I am so sick of you, Miller.
You don't know anything!
But I just want to protect you, sir.
We could've made America great again.
Idiot!
People of Wild Westerworld,
- I've done everything for you, - Dragon Bone.
And all I ask in return
is that you capture that woman
and grab her by the pussy.
Grab her by the pussy!
[stab]
Oh, man!
Well, if it isn't John Doe.
How's the life of an inbred prince?
It's going great. How's life in your Mexican gardener?
Let's go, princess.
[stab]
Hello, princess.
Killed another Mexican.
[stab]
I told you motherfuckers y'all was gonna die.
Yippee!
The throne is mine!
The goddamn throne...
is mine!
[laughing]
- [slash] - Whoa!
NARRATOR: Seven kingdoms.
Now all perished.
Death is certain.
Life is not.
But not in this movie.
You didn't think we were gonna kill everybody, did you?
Come on, man, this is Hollywood,
We need a sequel.
[gasps]
♪♪
♪ It goes lights, camera, action ♪
♪ When I step into the limelight ♪
♪ Easily adapted to the high life ♪
♪ Dressed to impress like it's prom night ♪
♪ And when you living top shelf ♪
♪ You know you gotta set the bar high ♪
♪ Had the same dream since we was kids ♪
♪ Big chips, big cars, and even bigger cribs ♪
♪ Never thought that it would happen just the way it did ♪
♪ Fast forward that now It's just the way we live ♪
♪ There's good food and drinks My mood makes you think ♪
♪ That this life's made for a king ♪
♪ The room starts to shake so smooth ♪
♪ If you blink, you might just miss the whole thing ♪
♪ It's just a different way to move ♪
♪ Living the high life ♪
♪ So many different things to do ♪
♪ Living the high life ♪
♪ There's good food and drinks My mood makes you think ♪
♪ That this life's made for a king ♪
♪ So many different things to do ♪
♪ Living the high life ♪
♪ And now it's girls, girls, girls I adore ♪
♪ The coupe only sit two, but in the back I got four ♪
♪ Talking about this high life, I mean as high as it go ♪
♪ That's kites, planes, clouds, the bank accounts that I own ♪
♪ Funny thing it all started from a pen and a poem ♪
Good evening. It's Piff, the magic dragon.
I'm here with one of the...
Well, the sole funder, actually, of this movie,
Mr. Donald J. Trump.
Yes, Donald J. Trump. The J is for John.
For John? I thought it was for Jesus.
So you produced Purge of Thrones,
and you're one of the characters.
Tell us, how did you audition for the role?
Uh, good question.
This is the skin I shedded like a snake,
at least three weeks ago.
We're here with two of our lovely cast members.
Would you like to introduce yourselves?
First of all, I'm just lovely without "this."
- What's this? - You did it.
Yeah, "lovely." I was just emphasizing it.
You said you had a penis voice.
What's your penis voice?
My penis voice is a little deep.
How's it going, Mum?
Living the Mother of Dragons dream.
What is that dream?
Uh, conquering the Eight Kingdoms.
- Eight Kingdoms? - Yeah, I think.
And what are these kingdoms?
Gosh, I don't know.
Does it really matter?
Apparently not.
- Do you want some? - Yeah.
So tell us about Purge of Thrones.
Are you gonna have the whole thing or...
Yeah, I'm a growing dragon.
This is the castle they've given me to reside in
for the rest of my life.
They originally thought it was to the end of the shoot,
but actually I took out a word and replaced it with "life."
So this is now my genuine castle.
Some of it is on flames, yep.
We just put some of it on fire.
We got about 20 minutes before that place burns to the ground,
and we lose yet another English heritage site.
During the process, what moments led you
to feel most in tune with yourself on set?
- Whiskey. - Whiskey, great.
- Oh, my gosh. - You were great. Good job.
Thank you very much.
Can I get some cake?
What is it that you enjoy most about Purge of Thrones?
Well, obviously everyone 'cause everyone's been great.
Most people just say the money.
No, because I'm not gonna get paid.
Yeah, I'm just hanging around here.
Guess it's how they afford everyone else's exorbitant fees.
Exactly.
How am I supposed to answer serious questions
to a man who's dressed like this?
- I'm a genuine magic dragon. - It's just not going to work.
I'm directing this, I wrote this,
and I'm funding this.
This is gonna be the biggest film
in the history of film since, what, the Titanic,
which is huge.
But this is gonna sweep the Academy Awards next year.
Just sweep it.
We're gonna make purging great again.
No one purges like me. No one!
- Make purging great again? - Yes.
That's what we're going for.
I don't think I'm getting paid enough gold for this, guys.
All of this is lies. It's a bunch of crap. It's crap.
These guys are losers. They're lightweights.
They're nobodies. They don't know me.
They don't know how great I am.
All that they do is spread disinformation about me.
I'm so sick of watching this crap every single night.
They don't know me.
They don't know how tremendous I am.
They don't know how fantastic I am,
what a great guy I am, what a great businessman I am.
This is all just fake news!
Every single night is just fake news about me!
And I'm a really, really nice guy,
and I shouldn't be picked on like this!
Pence!