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♪ Oh heart beating ♪
♪ Oh my heart is beating ♪
♪ I'm so excited ♪
♪ Gonna have a beautiful weekend ♪
♪ With a beautiful lady ♪
♪ At Captain Hagen's Bed and Breakfast ♪
♪ Captain Hagen's Bed and Breakfast ♪
♪ Takin' it easy at Captain Hagen's Bed and Breakfast ♪
♪ Swimmin' and boozin' ♪
♪ Grillin' and schmoozin' ♪
- Preston!
We're here.
- Yes!
- It says use side door.
♪ Using the side door ♪
♪ At Captain Hagen's Bed ♪
Preston!
- You woke me.
- Captain Hagen?
- Hãagen.
- Captain Hãagen.
I'm Preston Cooper.
- Yeah?
- This is my girlfriend, Sandra.
We have a reservation.
- Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Of course, come in.
Come in.
- It's a pleasure to meet you.
- In Germany, we say "guten morgen."
It means "good morning."
- Uh, it's 1:15.
- Allow me one minute to get my hat.
- Wow, this place is really cool.
Right, honey?
- Yeah, it's cute.
But what is the deal with the captain?
- All the reviews said he's a great host.
I'm sure that now that he's awake,
he'll be much more professional.
- Pelton, Sasha, right this way.
- It's Preston.
- And Sandra.
- Think we shoulda brought the kids.
- What are you talking about?
The whole point of this vacation
was to get away from the kids.
- I know, I just,
I'm just worried about that babysitter.
She looks like she might be, you know,
sexually active.
- Shelley?
She's a sweetheart.
I am looking forward to us being,
you know, sexually active.
- So am I.
- Up we go.
Right through here.
Come on in.
Watch your head.
Oooo.
- Use side door?
- Hurry up.
I have many guests arriving soon.
- Preston?
- I'm really stuck this time, honey.
- You should have told me you could not carry your own bags.
Felix!
- I can carry my own bags.
I just need to come up a real stair--
- I am here, Papa.
- Felix, help this little man up the stairs.
- That's okay, I think I got it.
- Felix!
Schãtzchen schwein,
you must push harder!
- I try, Papa.
- Felix!
Push like you have
a poop stuck in your
arschloch!
- Yeah, Papa, I will.
I pushed out the poopie, Papa.
- What?
I just don't get what was so great about Randy.
I mean, he was anti-environment, anti-animal,
plus, he was mean to you.
- You're right.
I just need to break the bond.
- What bond?
- You know, like the chemical bond.
Like, I need to sleep with somebody else.
- Yeah, that's the spirit.
- Yeah!
I am gonna get laid.
- Yeah!
- Thank you.
Jared, you're an amazing friend
and hopefully you will find someone
to get laid with too this weekend.
- Yeah.
Yeah, that'd be nice.
- Preston?
- I'm all right.
I'm okay.
- The upper loft.
- Is this our room?
- Of course it is.
- This isn't even a room, really.
There's no bed.
- You sleep here.
- On the floor?
- Felix!
Tell them I will be down in one minute.
- Papa will be down in a minute!
- Use side door.
- Captain.
Captain Hagen?
- Hãagen.
- I'm so sorry, Hãagen.
Lenny, Lenny Kahn.
This is my wife, Annabelle.
- Come in.
- Excuse me, you can't park here.
- You serious, bro?
This isn't a chill place to park?
- No, it's not.
You're in the middle of the yard.
- My wife, Christine
and my mother, Oma.
- Mrs. Hãagen, hello.
I'm Annabelle, this is my husband, Lenny.
Mrs. Hãagen?
- She can not hear you.
- Sorry, bro, time was of the essence.
Surf boards were getting a little loose.
You know how Rico is about his surfboard.
- I don't know who Rico is,
so how would I know how he is with his surfboard?
- Look at him.
- You need to move your car.
- No problemo.
As soon as Rico's done.
- It is a beautiful room, Captain.
This is our first vacation in 11 years without the kids,
so we're not used to having our own room.
One question, where do we?
- Hello?
Anybody here?
- It's a really nice--
- It's great.
Captain seems like a great guy.
- Yep, he does.
- Let's call the kids.
- Hello.
- Hello!
- I must apologize again for my mother.
She is afraid of strangers.
- Okay.
What the fuck?
- Why did you book a room with only one bed?
- I didn't, I asked for two.
I'll just sleep on the floor, it's fine.
- No, we can share the bed.
- Really?
- Yeah.
It'll be like sleeping next to my brother.
- When you said we were going to the Hamptons,
I pictured myself lying by the pool with a Cosmo,
not jammed into some attic like a bunch of old clothes.
- We're not Jammed in here.
There's plenty of space.
There's gotta be like 50 to 60 square feet up here.
And we got it all to ourselves.
I'm gonna check out the bathroom.
I'm sure it's lovely.
- What up, roomies?
- Oh my God.
- Captain, there are two other guys in our room.
- You share the room with them.
- I want to propose to my girlfriend this weekend.
She's not gonna say "yes" if she's trapped up there
with those two doofus surfers.
- When I wanted to impress my Christine,
I would take her to the bakery in the morning
to smell the fresh baked bread.
It delighted her so.
- What?
No, I need a better room
or my girlfriend's gonna make us leave.
- You seem like a good junge.
I'll tell you what I will do.
You can have my room, the master suite.
- Really?
- Costs you twice the price of your current room.
- Double the price, I can't afford that.
I don't even wanna tell you how much I spent on the ring.
I'll be in debt forever.
- Do you want Felix to show you where the bakery is?
Felix!
- I don't wanna know where the bakery is.
I need to make a phone call or two.
Hey, Blake.
Sorry to call you like this but I am in a bit of a jam.
Cal, no, I'm good, listen.
Seth!
I need to borrow some money.
Jeremy?
I'll pay you back as soon as I sell my novel.
No, I understand.
I understand completely.
Don't worry about it.
Dad.
We'll take the master suite.
If you could just hold off on cashing this
for three business days.
- Wunderbar
- This is so much better, right honey?
- Yeah, I love it.
Okay, dad, we gotta go.
- Wait, don't hang up!
Damn it.
- Put down the phone
and pay attention to me.
- Let's go meet the neighbors.
- What neighbors?
- Oh my God, I have a unibrow in this picture.
- Let me see.
- No.
- Knock, knock.
We're the neighbors, Lenny and Annabelle.
- Okay, hi, I'm Kate.
- I love your top.
- Thank you.
- And you are? - Jared.
- Jared! What do you do, young man?
- I'm a software designer.
- Oh, great, I have a computer.
- Okay.
- I sell office furniture but my real passion is bees.
- Bees?
- Do you like bees, Jared?
- No.
- Oh.
Do you like chocolate?
- Sure.
- You can have the rest.
- No, thank you.
- We've been married 23 years.
We have two kids, Maggie and Jimmy.
Look, there they are.
- Gotcha.
- Do you guys have any kids?
- No.
- She doesn't even have an engagement ring.
- Why would you assume she would have the engagement ring?
Why couldn't I have the engagement ring?
It's gender normatize.
- Afraid to commit, huh?
I remember that time.
I'm going to have to sleep with only this woman
for the rest of my life?
What?!
Here's the thing, Junior--
- We're just friends.
- What?
- Yeah, we've been best friends since college.
- Down!
- I've got it, I've got it.
- Time!
Flip it up.
- He's beautiful.
Like I can't even handle it.
- You're beautiful.
- I know.
But seriously, like,
who has abs like that?
Like, oh my God.
- Yo, Captain.
Me and Rico wanna practice in the water.
Is it safe to go in the bay here?
- Yeah, why not?
- We didn't know if there were jellyfish and sharks.
- Or swordfish.
We don't wanna get stabbed.
- True.
- I was having a father-son talk with Felix
about what it means to be a man.
Perhaps you would like to listen.
- Actually, we're just in the middle of a practice sesh--
- Sit down.
- Okay.
- Hey, looks like everyone's hanging out in the backyard.
- The fish inside a jellyfish.
This fish is swimming.
- Oh God, here come the neighbors.
- Ugh.
Let's pretend like we're making out.
- Wait, what?
- Let's go see what those guys are doing.
- I think you wanna be the jellyfish.
- Hey, guys, mind if we join you?
- Oh, you're welcome.
However, I'm afraid it is for men only.
- Oh.
Okay.
I guess I'll catch up with you later, dear.
So, what're we talking about?
Sports?
Meat?
Bees?
- Well actually, I was teaching my son and the junge
what it means to be a man.
So prepare to listen.
- With all due respect, Captain, I'm a father myself.
I'm not sure I need any lessons.
- Well then perhaps you have something to teach.
- Hey, what happened?
- I don't know but they say it's men only.
- That's so sexiest.
It's discriminatory against women.
- Why don't you hang out with us?
- Kate.
- What? I feel bad.
Seriously, pop a squat.
- Okay.
Oh, I'm sorry.
- No, no, no, it's okay.
Really, I'll sit on the ground.
- I'll get up.
- No, I'll sit on the ground, it's okay.
- My dad was a dick pretty much all the time,
so the only thing I've learned from him
was how to be an asshole.
- Yeah.
Felix is a mother's boy too.
- I am?
- Yes you are.
Your mother, may she rest in heaven,
treated you like a baby,
so you did not become a man.
And even though you are 19 years old, you are still a baby.
- I don't want to be a baby.
- I think what the captain's trying to say
is when you grow up you have to start doing things yourself.
You can't rely on your parents anymore.
- Danke, Dennis.
- Yeah.
Dankadens.
That was deep.
- Did you just call me--
- In Germany, when we agree with something that was said,
we say "stimmt."
It means "I agree."
- Stimmt.
Cool.
- What about you, Dennis?
- Lenny.
- What troubles you?
- Nothing.
I'm great.
Glad to be here.
- I could not help but notice
that you gleefully sent your wife away like she was
a Jew in France in 1393.
- What?
I don't, I didn't.
I don't get the France reference,
I mean, my wife is Jewish,
but I didn't gleefully.
You said men only, so technically you sent her away.
Guys?
Back me up?
Does anyone else wanna say something?
Hello?
Hi, hi!
Hi, sir!
Coming to join our meeting?
- What?
No, I just wanna ask the captain something.
- What is it, Pelton?
- Do you have those things that we talked about earlier?
- Yeah.
Okay, junge.
We must adjourn the meeting.
We meet again tomorrow.
- Stimmt.
- Good, junge. Good.
- Bro, what're you doing?
- Good, junge. Good.
- Felix!
Felix, you touch too much.
- Good, junge. Good!
- Come, come, come.
Christine used to keep candles here, somewhere.
- We haven't been properly introduced.
Lenny, Lenny Kahn.
- Hi.
I'm Preston Cooper.
- What're you fellas up to?
- I asked the captain to find some candles for me.
I'm gonna make a candlelit dinner for my girlfriend.
- Oh, great.
That's so romantic.
- Thanks.
- Do you mind if my wife and I join you?
- What's that?
- Captain, I'm home!
- Why are you taking so many pictures?
- Send to my kids.
This is daddy's new friend, Preston.
We're cooking dinner together.
Oh.
"Who gives a crap?"
Wasn't very nice.
Oh, smell that.
The ladies are gonna love it.
This is romantic.
All of us having dinner together.
- All of us having dinner together outside
but each person will have their own space.
- Well, I would hope so
because I'm not sitting on your lap.
- Maybe I'm not being clear.
You will be on the deck
and I'm gonna be on the bay side.
It's kind of a special dinner for me,
so I am gonna keep our line demarcation where it is, okay?
- We're not at war, are we?
- Not yet.
- Where are we going?
- You'll see.
Wait, stay here for one second, honey.
- Preston, what do you mean?
- No! No! No! No!
- What up, roomie?
I mean, ex-roomie.
- What the hell are you guys doing?
I made that dinner for me and my girlfriend!
- What?
Oh, shit.
We thought it was for us.
- Why would I make dinner for you?
- We didn't know you made it.
We thought it was the captain.
You know, they charge it to the room and shit.
- Okay. - Preston?
- It's going to be okay. We're gonna get a different dinner.
Just come this way.
We're hanging up now.
- Love you, bye.
- Surprise.
We are having dinner with Lenny and,
um, his wife.
- Oh, wow.
- Now the life of the hive is no picnic.
You know, there's a lot of work.
Those bees work themselves to death
and guess who does all the work.
When they have sex with the queen,
they die.
Can you believe it?
That's their life.
The queen does, on her maiden flight,
when she's just hatched,
she flies out into that drone cloud.
A lot of people think it's the males but it's not.
They're the drone bees
and they don't do a thing.
They get blocked out of the hive.
They freeze to death.
That's what some women should do
to deadbeat boyfriends, right?
- I have to go to bed.
- What about dessert?
- Goodnight.
- She's not a big desert person.
- Ah.
Well, I'll save you a slice.
- Great, thanks.
Goodnight.
- Goodnight.
Hey, fellas!
You want some pie?
We can't possibly eat this whole thing ourself.
- Oh, hell yeah.
I feel bad though.
He made it special for his girl and shit.
- You didn't do it on purpose, right?
- No, man.
We thought it was in there for us.
- No, thanks, I don't smoke.
- Why not?
- He had a bad experience in college.
Talks about it all the time.
- What happened?
- Nothing,
I just freaked out and everyone made fun of me.
- Come on, man, you're amongst friends.
Nobody's gonna make fun of you.
- I don't know.
- No one's gonna make fun of you.
- I ju--
- Hit it now!
- Yes!
- You had two cookies.
- That's a lie.
- There were four on the plate
and I ate two and you ate two.
- Stop.
- What's wrong?
- I thought I butt Skyped the kids
and they saw me smoking pot.
What was that look?
- What look?
- That look you just gave Rico.
Was that about me?
Are you making fun of me?
- No.
I mean, yeah, it was about you
but we weren't making fun of you.
- What's so funny?
Are you laughing at me?
- I was just thinking about the last time I smoked.
Are you feeling all right, dear?
- No, I'm not feeling all right.
I have to lay down.
- Uh, thanks for dessert and stuff.
We'll take care of the pipe.
- Hello?
Lenny?
- Preston,
are you okay?
- Oh yeah, I'm fine, honey.
I'll be out in a second.
Honey?
Do you mind taking off your mask?
♪ Preston's got something he wants to show you ♪
- Yo, Preston, can we come in?
Preston, we brought you a piece of pie.
Sandra, we would've brought you one
but Lenny said you don't get down with desserts.
- What?
- Darren, you can't come into our room.
- I hope we're not interrupting.
- You are.
- But me and Rico,
we feel really bad about fucking up your dinner
and we wanna take you out for drinks.
We're headed to the bar right now.
You cats ready to roll?
- We're in bed.
So, no.
- Yeah.
Hello?
Dennis?
Felix!
- Yes, Papa.
- Come with me, now.
- I'm busy.
- Let go of your schmeckel and come help me.
- It feels very good, Papa.
Can I help you and hold my schmeckel at the same time?
- One of our guests is dead on the deck!
- Who is it?
- Dennis.
- Who?
- The bald man who wants everyone
to see pictures of his children.
- Oh, him?
I thought his name was Lenny.
- Whatever his name is,
we must get rid of his body!
Or else we will be run out of town
like the Muslims were run out of Spain in 1609.
So come on!
- Yah!
Is this good, Papa?
- Okay.
Dennis!
Gottverdammt!
He lives!
- What happened?!
- We threw you in the water.
- What?!
Why did you do that?
- We thought you were dead.
- I'm not dead!
- You were lying there.
You seemed dead.
- Didn't you check my pulse?
- No.
We had to get rid of the body.
Do you have any idea what would happen if anyone found out?
- No, I don't!
- We would be run out of Spain like the Muslims.
- What?!
- Oh, come in, come in.
We will take care of you.
Felix will microwave you some soup.
Campbell's.
Have you had it?
Oh, it's delicious.
- I'm gonna go take a hot bath.
- Oh, can I join?
- I mean, I should probably wash off first
if we're gonna get naked together, right?
- Would you like some bread?
- No, thank you.
- Not the Vunderbread you have down at the deli.
But some real German bread.
Okay.
Hi.
- Oh.
That is good bread.
- Here.
Good.
- That was a fantastic date.
Do you wanna go back to my bedroom?
- Well,
that all depends on the size of your
baggage.
- That's right,
I'm Barry Largo and this is my Penis Enlargement Program.
Welcome back to the Barry Largo
Penis Enlargement Program.
All right, guys,
get a bunch of lube on your cocks
because this is gonna be a real workout.
Once you're fully lubed up,
take your thumb and your forefinger
and put on the base of your penis.
Then with your other hand,
firmly stretch
and push.
What you're doing here is pushing the blood
up your penis to the head
and you're gonna get more girth, more length.
And that's what we all want.
That's what the ladies want.
Girls love big dicks.
- Did you get some work done?
- Yeah, work was good
and done.
- Thank you so much for this.
This is exactly what I needed.
What're you doing?
- What're you doing?
- You just kissed me.
- I was trying to kiss you on the cheek.
- Okay.
- Where have you been?
- Nowhere.
Captain thought I was dead
so he and Felix threw me into the bay.
Goodnight.
- What?
Seriously, where were you?
- I just told you.
- You expect me to believe that story?
- Annabelle, where else would I be?
- I don't know, you're not here.
The whole point of this trip
was for us to spend time together.
You've been avoiding me the entire time.
- What're you talking about?
We're having a great trip together.
- Lenny,
you're not hearing me.
I'm really upset.
We have a problem.
- I don't know what to say.
I love you?
- Forget it.
- I would like to see you kiss a real woman goodnight
instead of an urn full of ashes.
- Gute nacht, Oma.
- Okay.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Uh, I'm just gonna go downstairs.
- Preston?
Yo, Preston?
Preston!
Are you awake?
- I am now.
What're you doing in our room?
- Do you have any condoms?
At least one but if you have two, great.
Rico usually likes to go for a second round.
- I don't have any condoms!
Get out of our room!
- Are you sure?
- Yes, I'm sure, Sandra is on birth control.
Get out of here!
- Oh, shit.
Thanks anyway.
- Okay.
- Preston?
- What?
- Goodnight.
- Goodnight!
- Yo, Rico.
No-go on the glove-o.
She's on the pilly.
- That works, ask her for one.
- Good call.
Sandra.
- Darren, don't you dare!
- Don't worry, Preston.
I'm not gonna bother you again.
I have a question for Sandra.
Sandra, are you awake?
- What?
- Do you think I could barrow
one of your birth control pills?
It's for Rico.
- Are you serious?
- No, shit,
not for Rico to take.
See, he's working his magic on a lady
and stupid me forgot the condoms
and Preston said that you have some, so.
- Okay, you know that's not how birth control works, right?
You can't just take it right before sex.
- Can you take them after sex?
- No.
It takes like a month before it starts to work.
- Really?
That's stupid.
- Get out of our room!
- I'm out! I'm out!
I'll see you guys tomorrow.
- Oh my God.
- What're you doing?
- I have to use the toilet.
- Felix, you can't come into our room
without announcing yourself.
- I need to go pee-pee.
- Get out!
- Jared, what's up bro?
- Hey.
What're you doing?
- Nothing.
- Is that alcohol?
- Sounds like he's trying too hard.
- Yeah.
He's always putting on a show for me.
I thought he was really funny and clever at first
but now it's getting kind of annoying.
Preston means well
but he doesn't have any fun anymore.
- It's a little harsh.
Watch out.
- Oh my God.
Thanks for warning me ahead of time.
- Sorry.
- I'm just kidding, don't worry about it.
- Honey, where were you?
- Shit!
- Yes!
Randy!
- Um, my name's not Randy.
- Oh my God, I'm so sorry.
Keep going.
- Wait.
Is my name Randy?
You know the sex is good
when you can't remember your own name.
- Yeah!
- Randy.
Randy?
- I'm sorry, can you please just be quiet?
- Ran
Dee.
- So what's the deal with you and Kate?
- No deal, we're friends.
- This is disgusting.
Pretty sure it's cooking brandy.
- Well it's doing the trick.
- You won't believe what just happened with Darren.
He came into my room.
He thought that you could use birth control pills
like a condom.
- God, they're so stupid, both of them.
I mean,
"Hey, I'm Rico.
"Work out, bro?
"I've got two six packs because one wasn't enough."
- "Yo, brah.
"Like, I'm Darren
"and I'm like so good at surfing
"I could just like do it in the yard."
- You saw them surfing in the yard today?
Did you see them while they were in the bay?
- They were?
- Surfing?
- There are no waves.
- I know.
Wait, wait, wait.
This morning they pulled in,
Darren was in the passenger's seat, right,
and Rico was behind the car kissing his surfboard.
- What?
- Then he poured a bottle of water on his head
and shook his head around
like he was a Victoria Secret model.
I really don't like that guy.
Where were you?
- Hey, just went to the bathroom.
- For two hours?
- Yeah, I couldn't sleep,
so I took a walk around the neighborhood.
- Felix!
- What the fuck are you doing?!
- I'm announcing myself.
- Oh my God.
- Felix!
- Good morning, beautiful.
♪ You are so beautiful ♪
♪ In the morning, Preston's girl ♪
♪ Is so beautiful ♪
♪ Every morning, waking up ♪
- Preston, please stop.
- All right.
Well, I got an idea for you.
♪ Breakfast in bed ♪
♪ Preston's gonna get you some breakfast in bed ♪
Darren?
I swear to God if you're coming in to.
- Sardine?
- What? No.
I was just gonna go out and get some breakfast.
- This is breakfast.
- Are you kidding me?
- Sardine?
- Fuck, Felix, you can't come into our room like that!
- Darren, Rico?
We going to the beach or what?
- Yo, Darren, come on let's go.
- Hey, okay, but don't bang her out again.
I'm telling you, Jared was really pissed.
- All right, all right.
- Darren, Rico!
Let's go!
- Whoa!
Shit!
This place is like a haunted house.
- Sardine?
- Oh, hell yeah.
- Guys, let's go.
- All right, yo.
- Hold up!
- Where's Jared?
- I don't know, he said he had a lot of work to do.
- Oh, bummer.
- Felix, are you coming to the beach with us?
- Double bummer.
- That's what we all want.
That's what the ladies want.
Girls love big dicks!
- Hello?
- So keep pushing.
Keep pushing the blood up to the head.
Up to the head.
Three more.
Two.
One.
Zero, all right guys.
Shake it out, shake it out, yeah.
So, let's switch it up.
Put your right hand around the base of the penis
and with your left hand
push the blood to the head.
Push the blood to the head.
- Felix, what the fuck?
Get out from underneath there!
Dude, I told you,
you can't keep coming into our room like that!
- Is that what I must do to make the sex?
- What?
- That.
Is that what I must do to make the sex?
- Why are you asking me that question?
- I want to make the sex.
Must I make my schmeckel bigger?
- Your schmeckel?
- Up your penis to the head.
This causes enlargement.
The blood causes enlargement.
Say it with me, guys.
- What're you doing, bro?
Jared, remember?
- I'm sorry.
Kate makes me forget about things.
- I know, bro.
I know.
- Captain?
Captain?
Captain, can I talk to you for a second?
- What is it, Pelton?
- People keep coming into our room.
Darren, Rico, Felix.
It's unacceptable.
- Come with me.
We will talk about it.
- Come where you where?
- Sorry, bro.
I wanted to make it up to you that we took your dinner.
And then I thought, who better to ask for a condom
than the guy banging out the hottest girl in the house?
- Darren, you can't come into our room uninvited.
- Did I interrupt something?
You seem like you guys were just chilling.
- It doesn't matter what we were doing.
You can't come into our room.
But, as a matter of fact, you did interrupt something.
I've been trying to propose to my girlfriend all weekend
and you guys keep messing it up.
- Are you serious, bro?
Shit!
- We cockblocked our boy Preston.
We promised never to cockblock any of our boys.
- Shit!
Shit.
I fucked it up.
I'm worthless.
I'm a worthless piece of shit.
- Is that what you believe
or is that what your father says about you?
- Huh?
- Well, it is one thing for your father
to say something about you
but it is another for you to believe it.
- Darren, I didn't mean to single you out.
- As for you, Pelton.
You blame the junge for blocking your cock,
but you could be asking your lady's hand in marriage
as we speak, could you not?
- I'm not gonna propose in the middle of the day.
- Why not?
- Because we just got back from the beach.
Everyone's just hanging around.
- What is really stopping you?
- I need everything to be perfect.
- Why?
- Because it's a proposal.
- What are you afraid of?
- What do you think?
That she'll say no.
- Yeah, now we're getting somewhere.
Why are you afraid?
- I just am.
- Preston, I've been there.
I had a million doubts running through my head
when I proposed to Annabelle.
You just gotta go for it.
She'll say yes.
- Oh my Lord, are they having another men's meeting?
- Yep.
- Hey, are you okay?
- I'm a little tired.
I didn't get a lot of sleep last night.
Someone was having very loud sex.
- Oh.
- I thought you and Jared were just friends.
- Oh, we are.
- Well then who?
- Rico.
- Wow.
How did that happen?
- No, I don't want that.
- What do you want?
- I wanna make love to my wife.
- And what is stopping you?
- I don't know.
I know it sounds terrible but
I'm just not attracted to her anymore.
I'm sorry.
I don't know what to do.
- I can't believe you're mad that I proposed to you.
- It was so embarrassing!
Why would you think it was a good idea
to gather all the people in the restaurant around our table
and then propose to me?
- Because I wanted to make it special.
- And that song, oh my God.
- Baby, you love my songs.
- Preston,
I can't stand your songs.
- Baby, you do not mean that.
- Get away from me!
- But I love you.
- I can't do this anymore.
- Do what?
- We have to break up.
- I don't understand.
What did I do wrong?
- Nothing.
You rock.
I just can't do my man Jared like that.
- What?
What does Jared have to do with this?
- Duh!
He's in love with you, you know that.
- No I don't.
He's never said anything like that.
He's not in love with me.
- I'm sorry, dude.
Bros before hoes.
- Fuck you!
- Whoa.
This is crazier than the time
Lucy found the used condom in Eugen's bike helmet.
- Fuck you two, Darren.
Jesus.
- Shit.
- What was I supposed to do?
If I hooked up with Kate, I hurt Jared.
If I didn't, I hurt Kate.
- It was a suicide mission.
- I want you to fuck me.
- I can't get an erection.
- What's the problem?
- I don't know, it's just not working.
- You don't want to have sex with me,
you don't wanna talk to me,
you don't even wanna be alone with me.
- That's not true.
- And you won't acknowledge there's a problem.
Do you know how small that makes me feel?
- I'm sorry, I didn't mean to.
I really think you're making a mountain out of a molehill.
- Oh, fuck you, Lenny.
I don't want you in this room.
Find someplace else to sleep.
- What? You don't mean that.
- Now.
- What's wrong?
- Nothing.
- Are you sure?
- Yes, I'm fine. Go away.
- You know, the captain has
this really tasty bread from Germany.
I don't know what it's called.
All I know is it's not called Vunderbread.
Anyway, I was gonna make myself a grilled cheese.
You want one?
- You know, like, bro code or whatever,
which is stupid because Jared hates Rico.
Rico is just a rebound
but when two guys break up with you in the same week,
like that really hurts, you know?
- Hey,
look at me.
That's their loss.
A guy would have to be stupid or dead
not to wanna be with you.
I wouldn't give those dolts a second thought.
- Thanks, Lenny.
And thank you for this grilled cheese.
You're right, this bread is amazing.
- I know.
Leave it to the Germans.
Honey, wake up.
I wanna make love.
- You do?
- Yeah.
I'm sorry about the way I've been acting.
You've just been mom so long,
it took me awhile to see you as lover again.
But I'm there now.
- What are you doing?
- I just took my bath with Oma.
Same time every night.
- Okay, well that's weird.
- Do you want to see my big schmeckel workout?
- What?
- I make my schmeckel bigger.
Do you want to make the sex now?
- Oh yes!
Yes!
Oh!
- Just what I was looking for.
- Stuff is really terrible.
- Mhmm.
So what's with you?
- I broke up with Preston.
- Really?
- I just couldn't take it anymore.
- Poor guy.
- Poor guy?
He was smothering me.
Why am I the bad guy?
- No, you're not the bad guy.
I'm just frustrated.
Women seem to go for big guys with big dicks.
- What're you talking about?
Big dicks?
Is that really what you think?
- Yeah.
That's what women want, right?
- No.
Not really.
Definitely not more than a lot of other things.
- Like what?
- Confidence, honesty.
You really think that Kate is gonna
one day realize she's in love with you and come running?
- No, this isn't about Kate.
I'm just talking in general, most people.
Nevermind.
- Jared,
you love her.
You're so passive.
Be a man.
Tell her how you feel.
- Guten morgen.
- Sorry, I didn't see you there.
- You must stop apologizing for being alive in the world.
Sit down.
- No thanks.
Kinda wanna be alone right now.
- Please?
I want you to hear this too.
- Fine.
- I was just saying that
I had sex with Annabelle last night
but I was thinking about Kate the whole time.
I feel terrible.
I couldn't even look my wife in the eye this morning.
- What's wrong with that, Lenny?
- Lenny, what's so bad about that?
Whole time I was banging out Charlene,
I was thinking about other girls.
- You were?
- Every dude does that, Lenny.
- Really?
- No wonder you can not make love to your wife,
you poor bauerntölpel.
I used to watch "Ich Ficke Deine Mutter und Schwester"
before I made love to my Christine.
- What's that?
- Pornographic film.
Very popular in Germany.
- Whoa, porn?
I don't know about that.
That's nearly cheating.
I love my wife.
- And I didn't love mine?
You arschgefickter hurensohn!
Your wife cannot feel your love if you lie next to her
like a wertlos scheissekopf!
You must do whatever it takes to sex her all the time.
- I make a sex last night, Papa.
- Not now, Felix.
Do you realize how little time your really have with her?
You must love her every moment.
- Preston.
- Let him go where he must.
- Sandra dumped me.
I proposed to her and she dumped me.
I shoulda become an accountant like my father,
then I would've had the money
to give her the life she deserves.
Been able to buy her a better car.
Take her to a better bed and breakfast.
No offense, Captain.
- When I wanted to impress my Christine,
I would take her to the bakery in the morning
to smell the fresh baked bread.
- I know, you told me.
I fail to see the relevance.
- That's because you are not really listening.
I took Christine to smell the bread
because I could not afford to buy the bread.
Your woman wants you to take care of her, yeah,
but not with money.
With love.
- I do love her.
- No, not really.
Oh, you're nice to her.
You kiss her, you do what you think
a man who loves a woman is supposed to do.
But you are not capable of truly loving her
until you love yourself.
And that is the real problem.
You do not love yourself.
- Stimmt.
- Hey.
Can I tell you about last night?
- Maybe I shoulda never hooked up
with Kate in the first place.
- You let your shmeckel do the thinking.
- I think we've all been guilty of that.
- Let your brain do the thinking
and your shmeckel do the talking.
- Stimmt.
- Speaking of Jared.
- Should I ask him to join us?
- No, the junge is hurting.
Let's go to him.
- What's happening?
- Jonas--
- Captain, may I?
- Please.
- Jared,
this is a safe place
and we all wanna help.
We know you're in pain around Kate
and around having a small penis.
- What?
I don't have a small penis.
- Felix told us about the dick workout.
- So what do you think turned him on all of a sudden?
- I don't know.
All I know is that I liked it
and I'm not gonna question it.
Sometimes it's best not to analyze.
- I know what you mean.
- I also had some really good sex last night.
- I know, I heard you and Rico again.
- No, not Rico.
It was Felix.
- Felix?
- Yeah.
- I'm sorry for banging out Kate.
I shouldn't have done that.
- Don't forget about the anal.
- Oh yeah, also--
- Please don't.
- We did anal.
- That means instead of doing sex regular in the front,
they did it in the back.
- Yeah, I know what anal is, Darren.
- I let my shmeckel do the thinking.
- Okay, can you just get off me now?
Yeah.
Thank you.
- Jared, you know,
Kate threw herself at Rico all day yesterday
and Rico rejected her out of loyalty to you.
- How do you know that?
- Kate told me.
- I am also sorry.
I put my shmeckel in Kate too.
- You, I get.
But you?
Why would she hook up with you and not me?
- Because you are not worthy of her love.
- Oh, thanks.
- Well, that's what you believe, isn't it?
- No, it's not.
- Yes it is.
You're just like me.
I don't love myself either.
- Enough!
You both believe some bogus story in your heads.
You don't have enough money.
You don't have enough dick.
Bullshit!
You're both kick-ass dudes.
Believe that!
- Stimmt!
- Did you really not know that he had feelings for you?
- No, I didn't.
I mean, maybe I did.
I just didn't wanna let myself think about it
because I didn't want to scare off the friendship, you know?
It sucks because I adore Jared.
I really, really do.
- If you don't mind my asking,
what's wrong with him, he seems great?
- Have you seen my cellphone charger?
I can't seem to find it.
Oh!
Oh, honey.
What?
- It means I wanna fuck you.
- Fuck me, Lenny!
Fuck me!
- Mom! Dad! What the hell?!
- Oh crap, I butt Skyped the kids.
- Hey, man, can we get in on your dick workout?
Felix said he tried it once
and his dick is already a little bit bigger.
- Did he?
- Yeah, can we do it with you?
- Why?
You guys already have big dicks.
- Huh?
No they're not.
- Wait, you guys think you have small dicks?
- Let's work out.
- Thumb and your forefinger
and put it on the base of your penis.
Then with your other hand--
- Wow!
My cock looks bigger already.
- Yeah, I can see that from here.
- Probably just placebo affect.
I've been doing this workout for three months
and it's only a little bigger.
- Does he know about the finger trick?
- You know about the finger trick?
- No, what finger trick?
- You know your dick?
- Yeah.
- You know how it gets hard when you're about to have sex?
- I'm familiar with an erection, Darren.
- You know how you stick it in a girl's pussy?
- I know what sex is Darren, yes.
What's the finger trick?
- The whole time you're having sex,
rub her clit with your finger.
She'll go crazy.
Trust me on this one.
- Wait,
really?
Do you do that too?
- Also, man,
gotta get rid of that bush.
Your long pubs are dangling in front of your cock.
See how we shaved?
It makes our cocks look bigger.
- Don't worry, bro,
Rico is a pro.
Trust me.
Hey, there you are.
He's got a dick!
- Yeah!
- What is happening?
- Love yourself, bro.
- Yep,
that's my dick.
That's what I'm working with.
- Jared, why?
- Guys, can you give us a minute?
- For sure.
- Get out!
Go!
- Oh.
- That was so
great.
- Jared, I--
- Kate, I'm in love with you.
I should've told you sooner, but--
- Why didn't you?
- I was scared.
Afraid.
In my mind,
I'm not good enough for you.
I'm not Randy or Rico.
I mean, look at me.
Look.
- Jared, the size of your penis doesn't matter.
I care so much about you.
But I can't change the way that I feel.
I really hope we can still be friends.
- Yeah,
I'm sorry,
but I can't do that.
I can't.
I can't be around you and be your friend.
- Fuck him.
- Annabelle?
I have something I have to tell you.
When we're having sex,
I wasn't thinking about you.
- That's okay.
I wasn't thinking about you either.
- You weren't?
Who were you thinking about?
- The Captain.
- The Captain?!
- I was thinking,
I was imagining him
fucking me against the big steering wheel of his ship.
- Annabelle!
You've got a dirty mind.
You wanna be fucked by the Captain, huh?
- I do.
- Well, guten morgen fraulein.
Annabelle, I am trying to stay in character.
- I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Fuck me, Captain, fuck me!
Full steam ahead!
- Preston, I really fucked up your shit.
I wanna make it up to you.
I'm gonna help you do the perfect proposal.
- Stimmt.
- Stimmt?
- What's going on?
- Nothing.
Just give me a minute here.
Sandra?
I've...
I've been planning this moment since our first date.
But you're right.
This doesn't work.
- Preston, is Sandra coming?
We're ready!
- She's not coming.
I called it off.
- You serious, bro?
What happened?
- You know,
I deserve someone who loves me for me.
She's not the one.
- Stimmt.
- Do you love yourself?
- I'm working on it.
- Only when you truly love yourself can you love another.
- I'm sorry, Captain, I have to interrupt.
Do you love yourself?
- What?
- Do you love yourself?
- Yeah, of course.
- Then you can love another too.
- I did.
My Christine.
- I mean another besides Christine.
It doesn't disrespect Christine
or take anything away from your love for her.
- She was my one true love.
- I know she was, Captain,
but I want you to experience love again
and the only that's going to happen
is if you let Christine go.
You have to let her go.
- Stimmt.
- What the hell is going on?
- I'm letting go.
- The boy too.
He's not still a baby because of his mother.
He's still a baby because of you.
He'll never become a man until you let him go.
I didn't mean right this second.
- No, no, you're right.
He must become a man on his own, yeah?
Goodbye, son.
- Goodbye, Papa.
- Hey.
- Are you driving back to the city?
- Yeah.
- Can I get a ride?
- Sandra, I like you
and not just as a friend but more than that.
- What're you doing?
- Being a man, telling you how I feel.
There's more to being a man
than telling a women how you feel.
There's showing her too.
What're you doing?
- Finger trick.
- What?
- Watch.
- Oh my God!
Oh my God.
- No way.
Is Jared finally banging out Kate?
- I gotta see this.
- Me too!
- What the?
- Sandra?
- Jared!
- Hells to the yeah!
- I'm gonna cum.
- Sure you don't wanna stay
and surf in the backyard?
- I think I'll pass.
- All right but you're missing out
on some killer waves back there.
- Hey.
Any chance I could hitch a ride back to Williamsburg?
- Yeah, sure.
♪ Going back to Williamsburg ♪
♪ Williamsburg ♪
Oh, stupid.
- No, that was awesome.
♪ Going back to Williamsburg ♪
♪ Williamsburg ♪
♪ Going back to Williamsburg ♪
- Kate?
- Preston?
- Yeah!
Hells to the yeah!
- Pelton!
Pelton!
You forgot your hat.
- That's not my hat.
- Look inside.
- What?
Why?
- For the bakery.
- I don't know what to say.
- In Germany we say, "bis bald."
It means, "see you soon."
- Bis bald.
- The Captain is my captain and always will be my captain!
♪ Oh heart beating ♪
♪ Oh my heart is beating ♪
♪ I'm so excited ♪
♪ Gonna have a beautiful weekend, yeah ♪
♪ At Captain Hagen's Bed and Breakfast ♪
♪ Captain Hagen's Bed and Breakfast ♪
♪ Taking it easy at Captain Hagen's Bed and Breakfast ♪
♪ Swimmin' and boozin' ♪
♪ Grillin' and smoozin' ♪
♪ Making love at sunset ♪
♪ And again in the morning ♪
♪ Takin' it easy ♪
♪ Never get sleazy ♪
♪ The weather is breezy ♪
♪ This song is so cheesy ♪
♪ Captain Hagen's Bed and Breakfast ♪
♪ This is my song ♪
♪ At Captain Hagen's Bed and Breakfast ♪
- Put a bunch of lube on your cocks
because this is gonna be a real workout.
Once you're fully lubed up,
take your thumb and your forefinger
and put it around the base of your penis.
Then with your other hand,
firmly
stretch and push.