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Robert Hix here for Samuel Bachman.

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00:00:39,452 --> 00:00:42,035
(BRIGHT MUSIC)

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Hello fans of ShowBiz Today,

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00:01:10,385 --> 00:01:12,743
this afternoon we are in the backyard

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00:01:12,745 --> 00:01:15,323
of Hollywood schlockmeister
Samuel Bachman.

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Please, call me Sammy.

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As I was saying Sammy
Bachman has Hollywood all abuzz

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because in a dazzling bid of showmanship,

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he managed to outbid the entire town

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for the rights to the national
bestseller, Angels on Tap.

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So tell us, how did you pull of this coup.

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How does Sammy Bachman,
formerly best known

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for such straight video
schlock as Wuthering Heights,

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A Gool of My Dreams and One Man's Poison,

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00:01:42,885 --> 00:01:45,833
win out in a bidding war
that ultimately pitted you

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00:01:45,835 --> 00:01:48,363
against the legendary Harvey Weinstein

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for the rights of this
modern comedy classic?

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00:01:51,045 --> 00:01:54,943
Well, if I do say so
myself, when Sammy Bachman

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sets his sights on something,
he's a regular bagel.

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A bagel?

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00:01:59,405 --> 00:02:00,563
Yeah you know the southern dogs

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with the good nose and the flop ears.

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Do you mean a Beagle?

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Bagel, Beagle, potatoes,
potatoes, listen,

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all I knew, once I quit horsing around

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00:02:07,934 --> 00:02:10,093
with those measly 10 grand raises

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00:02:10,095 --> 00:02:13,763
and I raised ol' Harv
a cool mill, he plots.

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Plots?

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Yeah you know, plots, like fold up,

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the way something folds up

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when you raise it a cool mill, uhn yeah.

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Like a Harvey Weinstein.

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Yeah like that.

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Aren't your worried
that he'll seek revenge.

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Rumor has it Mr. Weinstein
does not like loosing.

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Who likes loosing?

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Did that English guy Lord Nielson,

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did he like loosing at Waterloo?

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00:02:35,875 --> 00:02:39,393
Actually it's Lord Nelson
and he won at Waterloo,

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it was Napoleon who lost.

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It was.

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Well that's not the way we had it

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00:02:43,865 --> 00:02:45,513
in the Wild Women of Waterloo.

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Our ending is better, if he'd lost,

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Napoleon would have been in
no mood for a full scale orgy.

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Yeah getting back to Harvey Weinstein,

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aren't you worried that
you've made yourself

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a dangerous enemy.

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Yeah, are you kidding, me and ol' Harv,

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we're like this, believe me,

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00:03:04,265 --> 00:03:06,565
it's just a coincidence
I hired a food taster.

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00:03:08,975 --> 00:03:10,273
I think our audience would like to know

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what it was about this story
that touched you so much

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that you would, if the rumors are true,

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'caused you to sell off
your entire art collection

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in order to buy the rights.

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Those rumors are true.

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I had to sell off all my
Monits, and my Daidies

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00:03:28,732 --> 00:03:30,663
and even my precious Suzzanies.

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I believe you mean
Monets, Dolly's and Suzanis.

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Did you ever own one?

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No.

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My point exactly.

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Okay well out of all
the books out there,

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what, why did you need to
turn Angels into a movie.

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Because it was so darn magical.

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You haven't read it have you?

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No, I'm a pretty busy guy.

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Yeah sure, you probably
spend hours a day

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messing with that hair.

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Not hours, hair like
this doesn't grow on trees.

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Don't I wish, trees I have.

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Let me tell you about the book
and maybe you'll understand

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why I had to buy the rights.

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Relax Bobby, you wanted to know why

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I had to sell off my art collection,

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I'm gonna tell you.

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So it starts out, this poor dumb shmuck

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is driving home from work.

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It so happens, he's a reporter,

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always had dreams of writing a bestseller,

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00:04:23,345 --> 00:04:26,133
but like someone else I
know, he never had the time,

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00:04:26,135 --> 00:04:29,243
but what he really lacked
was a story worth telling.

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Anyway so he's driving home from work

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and his car begins to act up
so he pulls off the freeway,

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think he's gonna call Triple A,

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00:04:36,456 --> 00:04:38,806
he finds that his cell
phone is dead (MUMBLES).

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00:04:56,865 --> 00:05:01,603
So he spots a bar, he
figures, have a groosky,

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00:05:01,605 --> 00:05:04,795
call the Auto Club,
while he waits for a tow.

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He steps inside, and what does he see?

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I don't know, I told you
I didn't read the book.

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Angels.

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Angels?

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00:05:15,421 --> 00:05:19,343
Real live angels, like
I told you, it's magical.

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Now I'm gonna tell you

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exactly how I see the movie in my head.

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Now you might thing it would
be a rather startling sight,

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maybe you're even thinking

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he wouldn't notice right off the bat,

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even if you weren't worried about your car

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and whether the Auto Club would arrive

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before the second coming

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or whether there'd ever be
peace in the Middle East

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or whether my red socks
would ever have the (MUMBLES)

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to carry themselves through July for once,

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what you need to remember
is everyone in the bar

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from the bartender to the customers alike,

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they all had wings

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and under those circumstances,

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it might not be as
obvious as you may think.

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Anytime enough people
are doing the same thing,

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whether it's the wave or watching dancing

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with their husbands,

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it just might not be as
startling as you may think.

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So there was Prelutsky, nursing a beer

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00:06:02,467 --> 00:06:04,403
and surrounded by all these wings.

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He was trying to play
cool but it wasn't easy,

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I mean we've all seen wings
but they've been attached to

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birds and airplanes and hospitals.

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Seeing them attached to
a room full of people

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is another matter,

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he didn't want to be rude and stare,

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one can't help but peeping.

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I gotta give the guy credit, if it was me,

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I would have run out of the joint

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and check myself into a mental ward

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00:06:24,395 --> 00:06:26,723
and had myself checked out by shrinks,

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could you imagine being surrounded

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by an entire room full of angels.

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Not really, I mean,
what makes you think that

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he didn't just make it all up?

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I met the writer, Prelutsky,
he's not that smart.

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Hi, I'm Gabriel.

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Am I dead?

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No, we are.

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Oh, beginning to wonder why
I was seeing so many angels.

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Lots of people see angels,

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but it's usually just one at a time.

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You're a reporter aren't you?

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Well how did you know that?

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00:07:00,935 --> 00:07:03,113
You'd be surprised what we know.

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Give me a year and I'll
tell you what happened?

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1513.

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00:07:08,635 --> 00:07:11,583
Yeah, hmmm, nothing.

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00:07:11,585 --> 00:07:13,183
You don't remember 1513?

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00:07:13,185 --> 00:07:15,893
Oh I remember it, but
nothing memorable happened,

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00:07:15,895 --> 00:07:20,193
it was a lot like 762.

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Every once in while a year comes along

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that is so boring, the
best thing you can do

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00:07:25,395 --> 00:07:28,273
is lie down and take a nap.

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00:07:28,275 --> 00:07:31,573
I know what you mean,
I was that way in 1997.

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00:07:31,575 --> 00:07:34,223
Yeah, that was the snooze.

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Ask me about 1398.

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What happened in 1398?

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Jan Hus was lecturing on
theology at Prague University.

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And that made it memorable?

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00:07:44,575 --> 00:07:46,763
You bet, because Jan Hus

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00:07:46,765 --> 00:07:50,173
was the most boring speaker in the world.

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10 minutes into his talk,
500 people would fall asleep,

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if he rehearsed his speech at home,

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his dog would fall asleep,

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even birds would fall out of a tree.

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00:08:00,395 --> 00:08:02,183
Gee and I thought Jeff Bush was bad.

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00:08:02,185 --> 00:08:05,345
I should tell you, you're
not the only writer to stop by.

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00:08:06,195 --> 00:08:07,026
I'm not.

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A lot of guys have been here

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00:08:08,385 --> 00:08:09,973
but nothings ever gotten published,

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00:08:09,975 --> 00:08:12,553
Shelley tried it with the signs,

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00:08:12,555 --> 00:08:14,583
Homer with the Greek tragedy,

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I'll tell you what I told them,

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it's just a bar, it's a
bar like any other bar

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except all the customers are angels,

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which means they have
wings but no pockets,

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so don't expect a lot of tips.

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This is a story that has to be told.

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But it's never gonna be published,

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they're gonna laugh at you son,

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00:08:34,155 --> 00:08:38,603
they are gonna say it's unbelievable.

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They published The
Bridges of Madison County,

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anything is possible.

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What's with the black wings,
is that a fashion statement?

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00:08:46,885 --> 00:08:50,045
Some of the angels think
it makes them look thinner.

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00:08:51,727 --> 00:08:53,323
And that was the beginning of the story

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00:08:53,325 --> 00:08:55,283
that changed his life.

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00:08:55,285 --> 00:08:57,663
On the spot, he immediately
began interviewing

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the entire flock of them,

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00:08:58,895 --> 00:09:01,433
flock being the appropriate
word by the way.

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00:09:01,435 --> 00:09:04,303
You got a den of thieves, pride of lions

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00:09:04,305 --> 00:09:05,613
and a flock of angels.

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00:09:05,615 --> 00:09:07,393
Just in case you ever wake up one morning

193
00:09:07,395 --> 00:09:08,893
and you find yourself on Jeopardy.

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00:09:08,895 --> 00:09:10,853
In short order he
commandeered a corner table

195
00:09:10,855 --> 00:09:13,003
and let it be known that
the drinks were on him

196
00:09:13,005 --> 00:09:15,143
as long as the angels
answered all of his questions.

197
00:09:15,145 --> 00:09:18,144
He wanted to know who they
were, what their jobs were

198
00:09:18,146 --> 00:09:19,593
and whether or not for the most part

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00:09:19,595 --> 00:09:21,083
angeling was a good job.

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00:09:21,085 --> 00:09:22,935
How does one become an angel?

201
00:09:24,095 --> 00:09:27,843
Back in the old days,
I mean God created em,

202
00:09:27,845 --> 00:09:30,453
more or less from whole cloth.

203
00:09:30,455 --> 00:09:35,455
But after people started
began all of that,

204
00:09:36,395 --> 00:09:38,273
the angels couldn't keep up,

205
00:09:38,275 --> 00:09:43,275
so God solved that one by
appointing human beings.

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00:09:43,975 --> 00:09:45,223
Dead ones.

207
00:09:45,225 --> 00:09:48,243
Yes, that was the one pre-requisite.

208
00:09:48,245 --> 00:09:50,223
So what's the procedure?

209
00:09:50,225 --> 00:09:53,903
Well first you die and then
if your papers are processed,

210
00:09:53,905 --> 00:09:55,653
they'll give you an assignment.

211
00:09:55,655 --> 00:09:57,383
What sort of assignments do you get?

212
00:09:57,385 --> 00:10:01,933
Well most of us are
supposed to look after people,

213
00:10:01,935 --> 00:10:05,211
but only in certain restricted areas.

214
00:10:05,213 --> 00:10:07,443
So you're all specialists.

215
00:10:07,445 --> 00:10:08,603
Exactly.

216
00:10:08,605 --> 00:10:10,893
Do you think your friends
would agree to be interviewed?

217
00:10:10,895 --> 00:10:13,983
I don't see why not,
as long as you're buying,

218
00:10:13,985 --> 00:10:15,643
they talked to all the others.

219
00:10:15,645 --> 00:10:16,745
Who were the others?

220
00:10:17,765 --> 00:10:22,765
Shakespeare, Milton, Twain,
Melville, Poe, Tolstoy,

221
00:10:24,105 --> 00:10:27,185
not to mention Hemingway and Spillane

222
00:10:28,635 --> 00:10:30,453
They all stopped by.

223
00:10:30,455 --> 00:10:31,973
Shakespeare.

224
00:10:31,975 --> 00:10:33,935
Right here at this spot.

225
00:10:35,185 --> 00:10:36,155
Or was that Bacon.

226
00:10:37,555 --> 00:10:39,803
One of those two plum guys.

227
00:10:39,805 --> 00:10:41,393
Two plums?

228
00:10:41,395 --> 00:10:46,313
Yeah one for wearing
and one for writing.

229
00:10:46,315 --> 00:10:49,785
Twain and Belvo, I can't
believe they've all been here.

230
00:10:50,635 --> 00:10:54,833
That's the problem,
nobody could believe it.

231
00:10:54,835 --> 00:10:58,033
They all wrote stuff about us

232
00:10:58,035 --> 00:11:00,363
but they couldn't get it published,

233
00:11:00,365 --> 00:11:04,253
I mean you won't be able to either.

234
00:11:04,255 --> 00:11:06,345
Well don't be too sure about that.

235
00:11:06,347 --> 00:11:11,347
Hey if William Shakespeare
and Mickey Spillane struck out,

236
00:11:13,165 --> 00:11:15,165
what chance do you think you have?

237
00:11:16,995 --> 00:11:18,643
People are a lot more open today

238
00:11:18,645 --> 00:11:19,943
and a lot more broad minded

239
00:11:19,945 --> 00:11:22,003
accepting things they can't see.

240
00:11:22,005 --> 00:11:23,613
Do you mean gullible?

241
00:11:23,615 --> 00:11:24,883
I just mean there's a lot more interest

242
00:11:24,885 --> 00:11:26,653
in the spiritual these days

243
00:11:26,655 --> 00:11:27,713
and people are ready,

244
00:11:27,715 --> 00:11:30,723
even eager to believe in the unbelievable.

245
00:11:30,725 --> 00:11:31,683
I know what you mean,

246
00:11:31,685 --> 00:11:34,365
I've seen some of those TV infomercials.

247
00:11:36,495 --> 00:11:37,355
Name's Wully.

248
00:11:38,605 --> 00:11:40,963
Food and beverage are my line.

249
00:11:40,965 --> 00:11:43,373
I didn't know that heaven
was involved with such things.

250
00:11:43,375 --> 00:11:47,113
Well officially I work for
the food and beverage division

251
00:11:47,115 --> 00:11:48,363
of the health department.

252
00:11:48,365 --> 00:11:50,203
That woman over there by the pool table

253
00:11:50,205 --> 00:11:52,143
running in place is Joyce,

254
00:11:52,145 --> 00:11:53,913
she's the angel of jugging,

255
00:11:53,915 --> 00:11:56,753
and that good looking guy over
there hoggling her is Shawn,

256
00:11:56,755 --> 00:11:58,533
he's the angel of dieting.

257
00:11:58,535 --> 00:12:00,193
Ours is one of the few departments

258
00:12:00,195 --> 00:12:01,903
that's actually expanding.

259
00:12:01,905 --> 00:12:05,473
Right off the top of my head
I'm thinking, Robin Williams,

260
00:12:05,475 --> 00:12:07,663
would be terrific as a
food and beverage guy,

261
00:12:07,665 --> 00:12:10,583
do you remember how funny
he was in Mrs. Doubtliar.

262
00:12:10,585 --> 00:12:12,073
Doubtfire.

263
00:12:12,075 --> 00:12:15,829
And I'm afraid Mr.
Williams died a while back.

264
00:12:15,831 --> 00:12:16,813
Oh.

265
00:12:16,815 --> 00:12:17,648
Yeah.

266
00:12:19,775 --> 00:12:23,553
You miss Variety one week,
you can never catch up.

267
00:12:23,555 --> 00:12:25,593
Hello, what's your name.

268
00:12:25,595 --> 00:12:26,485
Cyrus.

269
00:12:27,935 --> 00:12:29,613
You have something to do with travel.

270
00:12:29,615 --> 00:12:31,573
I've got everything to do with it.

271
00:12:31,575 --> 00:12:33,473
And believe me it's not easy.

272
00:12:33,475 --> 00:12:35,353
What with all the different
timezones, half the time

273
00:12:35,355 --> 00:12:36,903
I don't know if I'm coming or going.

274
00:12:36,905 --> 00:12:38,373
You travel by plane?

275
00:12:38,375 --> 00:12:40,293
No, clouds.

276
00:12:40,295 --> 00:12:43,593
Used to be the best way
to fly, slow, stress free,

277
00:12:43,595 --> 00:12:47,123
you could really stretch out,
you could read on the way.

278
00:12:47,125 --> 00:12:48,593
One trip I read all of Mark Twain,

279
00:12:48,595 --> 00:12:50,123
got half way through Pruist.

280
00:12:50,125 --> 00:12:51,313
What are your duties?

281
00:12:51,315 --> 00:12:54,453
Cars and buses, jet
planes and helicopters,

282
00:12:54,455 --> 00:12:56,073
motorcycles and roller blades.

283
00:12:56,075 --> 00:12:58,503
And as if all that weren't
enough, cigarette boats,

284
00:12:58,505 --> 00:13:01,633
parachutes and bungee
cords, it's all madness.

285
00:13:01,635 --> 00:13:03,843
The trip itself used to be part and parcel

286
00:13:03,845 --> 00:13:05,103
of the travel experience.

287
00:13:05,105 --> 00:13:07,103
People used to voyage and journey.

288
00:13:07,105 --> 00:13:08,753
The very words themselves

289
00:13:08,755 --> 00:13:11,213
suggest an experience of self discovery,

290
00:13:11,215 --> 00:13:15,663
people set sail, they cast
off, they even sally forth.

291
00:13:15,665 --> 00:13:18,583
These days people's idea of a
trip is a ride at a carnival

292
00:13:18,585 --> 00:13:19,733
that combines the west elements

293
00:13:19,735 --> 00:13:22,113
of speed, noise and weightlessness.

294
00:13:22,115 --> 00:13:23,473
Today travel is strictly

295
00:13:23,475 --> 00:13:25,773
a matter of moving from point A to point B

296
00:13:25,775 --> 00:13:28,093
and back to point A in as pointless a way

297
00:13:28,095 --> 00:13:29,623
as mechanically possible.

298
00:13:29,625 --> 00:13:32,503
If someone ever devises a
way to transport human beings

299
00:13:32,505 --> 00:13:34,733
through noematic tubes,
he'll make a fortune.

300
00:13:34,735 --> 00:13:36,093
The casting possible in it

301
00:13:36,095 --> 00:13:37,493
is enough to make my head explode.

302
00:13:37,495 --> 00:13:39,673
I mean this could be another
Around the World in 80 Days

303
00:13:39,675 --> 00:13:43,633
because basically we've
got like, 14 or 15 cameos.

304
00:13:43,635 --> 00:13:45,903
I mean nobody could try to
hold us up for 20 million

305
00:13:45,905 --> 00:13:47,113
when they're only gonna be in the picture

306
00:13:47,115 --> 00:13:49,043
for five or six minutes right,

307
00:13:49,045 --> 00:13:50,295
everyone's gonna want in.

308
00:13:52,435 --> 00:13:54,823
Would you mind
answering a few questions?

309
00:13:54,825 --> 00:13:56,165
Not at all young man.

310
00:13:58,475 --> 00:14:01,593
You seem to be enjoying
that magazine, what is it?

311
00:14:01,595 --> 00:14:02,973
TV Guide.

312
00:14:02,975 --> 00:14:05,013
It's my bible.

313
00:14:05,015 --> 00:14:08,253
You understand that's
just a figure of speech.

314
00:14:08,255 --> 00:14:09,543
You must really enjoy the articles,

315
00:14:09,545 --> 00:14:11,813
I've never realized they were so funny.

316
00:14:11,815 --> 00:14:15,233
I don't read the articles,
I read the listings.

317
00:14:15,235 --> 00:14:18,183
When I read the little blurbs,
they remind of the episode.

318
00:14:18,185 --> 00:14:21,263
Like I was just reading about
this episode of Frasier,

319
00:14:21,265 --> 00:14:24,603
the one where Niles winds up setting fire

320
00:14:24,605 --> 00:14:27,245
to Frasier's favorite couch (LAUGHS).

321
00:14:36,913 --> 00:14:39,080
(MUMBLES)

322
00:14:41,705 --> 00:14:45,123
You've memorized every
episode of Frasier?

323
00:14:45,125 --> 00:14:49,223
I've memorized every
episode of every show.

324
00:14:49,225 --> 00:14:50,413
Wow.

325
00:14:50,415 --> 00:14:53,013
Yes, I believe that television

326
00:14:53,015 --> 00:14:55,903
is the greatest invention of all time.

327
00:14:55,905 --> 00:14:59,293
That's why I'm so proud
to be associated with it.

328
00:14:59,295 --> 00:15:02,233
A lot of people regard it
as a terrible waste of time.

329
00:15:02,235 --> 00:15:06,335
Well I think a lot of people
are a terrible waste of time.

330
00:15:08,445 --> 00:15:10,873
BURT: What's the best
thing about being an angel?

331
00:15:10,875 --> 00:15:12,273
It's a job.

332
00:15:12,275 --> 00:15:13,883
Is it like being alive though?

333
00:15:13,885 --> 00:15:16,473
Oh yeah, in some cases
it's all the way better.

334
00:15:16,475 --> 00:15:18,253
We never have to punch a clock.

335
00:15:18,255 --> 00:15:20,303
And what's the worst?

336
00:15:20,305 --> 00:15:25,305
No paid vacations, no
bad mouthing management.

337
00:15:25,745 --> 00:15:27,994
Can't you complain to anyone?

338
00:15:27,996 --> 00:15:31,175
Of course, it's a god
given right to gripe,

339
00:15:32,035 --> 00:15:37,035
unfortunately it's a right
that god reserves for himself.

340
00:15:39,005 --> 00:15:42,233
You should hear him when he gets started.

341
00:15:42,235 --> 00:15:45,693
You would think nothing ever
worked out the way he planned.

342
00:15:45,695 --> 00:15:47,155
Really, like what?

343
00:15:48,345 --> 00:15:49,333
You name it.

344
00:15:49,335 --> 00:15:50,243
Sex.

345
00:15:50,245 --> 00:15:52,693
Big mistake, total accident.

346
00:15:52,695 --> 00:15:55,655
I mean Satan completely
blind-sighted him on that one.

347
00:15:57,745 --> 00:16:01,103
The truth, I don't think
god's ever gotten over it.

348
00:16:01,105 --> 00:16:04,513
How did god expect people
to reproduce without sex?

349
00:16:04,515 --> 00:16:07,863
I mean let's face it Horace, without sex,

350
00:16:07,865 --> 00:16:10,833
Adam would have been the
first man and the last man,

351
00:16:10,835 --> 00:16:12,763
I mean surely god didn't
expect human beings

352
00:16:12,765 --> 00:16:15,883
to be a mere footnote in
the history of the universe.

353
00:16:15,885 --> 00:16:17,473
Actually he did.

354
00:16:17,475 --> 00:16:18,306
Really.

355
00:16:18,308 --> 00:16:23,308
Sure, if you ever run
into him, don't bring it up.

356
00:16:23,665 --> 00:16:26,623
I mean learn from my bitter experience,

357
00:16:26,625 --> 00:16:28,829
don't get him started.

358
00:16:28,831 --> 00:16:29,783
According to Horace,

359
00:16:29,785 --> 00:16:33,853
each of you has a specific
area of responsibility,

360
00:16:33,855 --> 00:16:35,123
what's yours?

361
00:16:35,125 --> 00:16:36,773
I'd rather not say.

362
00:16:36,775 --> 00:16:38,263
Why not?

363
00:16:38,265 --> 00:16:40,573
It's embarrassing.

364
00:16:40,575 --> 00:16:44,003
Why don't I tell you something
embarrassing about myself,

365
00:16:44,005 --> 00:16:45,143
then it's your turn.

366
00:16:45,145 --> 00:16:48,795
Fair is fair, my middle name is Beagle,

367
00:16:49,965 --> 00:16:51,135
my mother raised them.

368
00:16:53,075 --> 00:16:57,163
Well you're right Beagle
boy, compared to that

369
00:16:57,165 --> 00:17:00,243
my secret's pretty puny stuff.

370
00:17:00,245 --> 00:17:02,883
I'm responsible for the fine arts.

371
00:17:02,885 --> 00:17:04,663
What's so awful about that?

372
00:17:04,665 --> 00:17:05,925
Just look around you.

373
00:17:06,865 --> 00:17:08,423
In the blink of an eye the world has gone

374
00:17:08,425 --> 00:17:12,033
from Bach and Beethoven to reggae and rap,

375
00:17:12,035 --> 00:17:13,743
we've gone from Run Brand and Da Vinci

376
00:17:13,745 --> 00:17:15,735
to pop art and graffiti,

377
00:17:16,595 --> 00:17:18,165
think how that reflects on me.

378
00:17:19,185 --> 00:17:22,123
How would you feel if
everyone held you responsible

379
00:17:22,125 --> 00:17:24,463
for the fall of western civilization?

380
00:17:24,465 --> 00:17:26,883
Do you have anything to do
with professional wrestlers

381
00:17:26,885 --> 00:17:28,003
or log (MUMBLES)?

382
00:17:28,005 --> 00:17:29,813
Well not directly but,

383
00:17:29,815 --> 00:17:33,307
nobody I dear say is
immune to my influence.

384
00:17:33,309 --> 00:17:34,393
Oh really?

385
00:17:34,395 --> 00:17:38,143
Oh yes, I'm Lydia the angel of romance.

386
00:17:38,145 --> 00:17:41,533
At least romance used to be my field.

387
00:17:41,535 --> 00:17:45,183
Now of course it's faded
away like an old rose,

388
00:17:45,185 --> 00:17:47,453
pressed between the pages of a diary.

389
00:17:47,455 --> 00:17:48,835
It's really so sad.

390
00:17:49,675 --> 00:17:54,263
Keltrastess, in olden
days, romance meant a lover

391
00:17:54,265 --> 00:17:57,863
scaling walls, or slaying
dragons of one sort or another

392
00:17:57,865 --> 00:18:01,003
and pledging himself to his true love.

393
00:18:01,005 --> 00:18:02,093
Are you talking about chivalry,

394
00:18:02,095 --> 00:18:04,293
isn't that a bit old fashioned.

395
00:18:04,295 --> 00:18:08,003
And what sir is outdated
about eternal bliss?

396
00:18:08,005 --> 00:18:09,943
What's uncomfortable about lovers

397
00:18:09,945 --> 00:18:11,913
pledging their troth to one another?

398
00:18:11,915 --> 00:18:12,855
Their what?

399
00:18:13,885 --> 00:18:14,793
That's another thing,

400
00:18:14,795 --> 00:18:16,833
people used to know what troth meant.

401
00:18:16,835 --> 00:18:20,173
Now their lawyers hammer out pre-nuptials.

402
00:18:20,175 --> 00:18:22,753
Once upon a time we had soulmates

403
00:18:22,755 --> 00:18:24,853
and two hearts that beat as one.

404
00:18:24,855 --> 00:18:26,953
Now they're significant others.

405
00:18:26,955 --> 00:18:30,513
Men snooker about hooshers
and women giggle about butts.

406
00:18:30,515 --> 00:18:33,903
How can romance flourish
when you treat one another

407
00:18:33,905 --> 00:18:37,583
like so many interchangeable
body parts like Chevys

408
00:18:37,585 --> 00:18:38,835
or the Colonel's Chicken.

409
00:18:40,605 --> 00:18:42,113
BURT: Uncle Sydney.

410
00:18:42,115 --> 00:18:44,863
I'm afraid not sunny
boy, my handle's Harry.

411
00:18:44,865 --> 00:18:46,313
I did know an Uncle Sydney once

412
00:18:46,315 --> 00:18:48,173
but he was my uncle, not yours.

413
00:18:48,175 --> 00:18:50,963
It's just that you look so familiar.

414
00:18:50,965 --> 00:18:54,343
I think I look a bit like
Ziegfeld, a little taller,

415
00:18:54,345 --> 00:18:55,833
better looking with wings.

416
00:18:55,835 --> 00:18:58,573
I'm thinking maybe George Clooney,

417
00:18:58,575 --> 00:18:59,583
he's pretty cool isn't he.

418
00:18:59,585 --> 00:19:02,263
Oh yeah very cool, he
also has very nice hair.

419
00:19:02,265 --> 00:19:05,373
Again with the hair, just listen.

420
00:19:05,375 --> 00:19:07,315
What is your job Harry.

421
00:19:08,505 --> 00:19:10,605
What job don't I have, I've done it all.

422
00:19:11,545 --> 00:19:14,533
Best of all I've done it my way.

423
00:19:14,535 --> 00:19:18,303
I invented show business, it's my life,

424
00:19:18,305 --> 00:19:20,333
or at least it would be if I had a life.

425
00:19:20,335 --> 00:19:22,370
Before me, people knew there was something

426
00:19:22,372 --> 00:19:23,373
missing in their lives

427
00:19:23,375 --> 00:19:24,703
but they didn't know what.

428
00:19:24,705 --> 00:19:27,023
They sat around for hours on end on rocks,

429
00:19:27,025 --> 00:19:28,451
scratching and moaning.

430
00:19:28,453 --> 00:19:29,523
Well how did you go about it.

431
00:19:29,525 --> 00:19:30,793
Well I began with the women,

432
00:19:30,795 --> 00:19:32,162
every night I'll get them to go up

433
00:19:32,164 --> 00:19:33,473
to their husbands and say,

434
00:19:33,475 --> 00:19:36,233
you never take me out, we
never do anything together.

435
00:19:36,235 --> 00:19:39,053
Within a week, Harry,
the first entertainer,

436
00:19:39,055 --> 00:19:40,003
was packing them in.

437
00:19:40,005 --> 00:19:41,593
Doing what?

438
00:19:41,595 --> 00:19:44,493
Harry used to throw 19 rocks
in the air at the same time.

439
00:19:44,495 --> 00:19:46,423
And that's how we got joggling?

440
00:19:46,425 --> 00:19:48,713
No that's how you got
dodging and ducking.

441
00:19:48,715 --> 00:19:49,973
Joggling came along much later,

442
00:19:49,975 --> 00:19:51,523
it involved three oranges.

443
00:19:51,525 --> 00:19:54,063
My name is Minerva young man,

444
00:19:54,065 --> 00:19:57,183
and my field of expertise,
if I might call it that

445
00:19:57,185 --> 00:20:00,203
without appearing immodest, is athletics.

446
00:20:00,205 --> 00:20:01,543
I would have never guessed.

447
00:20:01,545 --> 00:20:04,243
Actually, I'm relatively new to the job.

448
00:20:04,245 --> 00:20:06,913
Formerly, I was in charge
of what used to be known

449
00:20:06,915 --> 00:20:08,903
as the social graces.

450
00:20:08,905 --> 00:20:11,633
But there has been less and
less call for my services

451
00:20:11,635 --> 00:20:16,023
until finally I was as
redundant as an appendix.

452
00:20:16,025 --> 00:20:17,353
Well what happened?

453
00:20:17,355 --> 00:20:19,693
I was hoping you would tell me.

454
00:20:19,695 --> 00:20:23,193
All I know is that etiquette
used to be quite important,

455
00:20:23,195 --> 00:20:26,523
and then one day it wasn't.

456
00:20:26,525 --> 00:20:31,525
My name is Alexander,
please don't call me Alex.

457
00:20:31,785 --> 00:20:35,033
You wouldn't possibly
know a 37 letter word

458
00:20:35,035 --> 00:20:37,903
for Villeinage, would you?

459
00:20:37,905 --> 00:20:39,533
No I don't.

460
00:20:39,535 --> 00:20:40,993
I didn't expect you to.

461
00:20:40,995 --> 00:20:44,693
Let me be so bold, you
seem a bit dispirited.

462
00:20:44,695 --> 00:20:47,283
Certainly discouraged.

463
00:20:47,285 --> 00:20:49,603
Not the crossword puzzle is it?

464
00:20:49,605 --> 00:20:52,503
Hardly, the 'cause for my lethrege

465
00:20:52,505 --> 00:20:55,925
is that for all intents and purposes,

466
00:20:57,113 --> 00:20:59,443
I've been out of work for 60 years.

467
00:20:59,445 --> 00:21:01,223
Well that's a problem.

468
00:21:01,225 --> 00:21:04,143
What is it that you do or did?

469
00:21:04,145 --> 00:21:07,333
My job was guiding geniuses.

470
00:21:07,335 --> 00:21:11,435
Hence I've been unemployed
since April 18, 1955.

471
00:21:12,735 --> 00:21:14,143
What happened on that date?

472
00:21:14,145 --> 00:21:15,125
Einstein died.

473
00:21:16,805 --> 00:21:18,273
BURT: I guess you're a happy angel.

474
00:21:18,275 --> 00:21:21,913
Oh why is that? Do you
know something I don't?

475
00:21:21,915 --> 00:21:23,943
Well I thought that
although romance and the arts

476
00:21:23,945 --> 00:21:25,703
might have been going to the dogs

477
00:21:25,705 --> 00:21:29,023
that you can't knock modern technology?

478
00:21:29,025 --> 00:21:30,983
You can't, not if you
know what's good for you.

479
00:21:30,985 --> 00:21:33,113
It could knock back and really hurt you.

480
00:21:33,115 --> 00:21:35,113
You're not a fan of progress.

481
00:21:35,115 --> 00:21:36,823
Do you realize they
now have a lethal gas

482
00:21:36,825 --> 00:21:38,713
you can't see or smell.

483
00:21:38,715 --> 00:21:40,443
With just two ounces,

484
00:21:40,445 --> 00:21:42,795
you could wipe Southern
California off the map.

485
00:21:44,885 --> 00:21:46,783
I see you're smiling.

486
00:21:46,785 --> 00:21:48,253
Just visualizing.

487
00:21:48,255 --> 00:21:50,703
Be that as it may, Mr. Wisenheimer,

488
00:21:50,705 --> 00:21:53,533
my point is that one man's progress

489
00:21:53,535 --> 00:21:56,043
is another man's poisoned gas.

490
00:21:56,045 --> 00:21:58,053
What a very good point it is.

491
00:21:58,055 --> 00:22:01,563
Where did we go wrong, how
could we have been so blind?

492
00:22:01,565 --> 00:22:03,713
It wasn't our fault George.

493
00:22:03,715 --> 00:22:05,033
We were darn fools.

494
00:22:05,035 --> 00:22:08,763
We were no such thing,
we were idealists.

495
00:22:08,765 --> 00:22:11,253
Why are you being so hard on yourselves?

496
00:22:11,255 --> 00:22:15,003
Don't blame us, god knows we tried.

497
00:22:15,005 --> 00:22:17,183
There there dear, I'm
sure the nice gentlemen

498
00:22:17,185 --> 00:22:19,653
realizes that we did the best we can.

499
00:22:19,655 --> 00:22:21,233
More is the pity.

500
00:22:21,235 --> 00:22:24,343
Please excuse us, it's just
that when we started out,

501
00:22:24,345 --> 00:22:26,743
we had such high hopes for the future,

502
00:22:26,745 --> 00:22:28,893
we actually believed
there could be such things

503
00:22:28,895 --> 00:22:30,863
as perfect nurturing parents.

504
00:22:30,865 --> 00:22:33,293
And don't forget those
wonderful loving tots.

505
00:22:33,295 --> 00:22:34,983
We believed in them too.

506
00:22:34,985 --> 00:22:36,235
What is it that you do?

507
00:22:37,225 --> 00:22:38,685
We oversee parenting.

508
00:22:39,775 --> 00:22:41,513
Anyone could see our next subject

509
00:22:41,515 --> 00:22:44,113
was trying to drown his
sorrows and possibly himself

510
00:22:44,115 --> 00:22:45,973
at the rate he was
downing shots (MUMBLES),

511
00:22:45,975 --> 00:22:47,673
it was as if he was trying to finish off

512
00:22:47,675 --> 00:22:49,703
the work began decades earlier

513
00:22:49,705 --> 00:22:51,613
by carrying nation (MUMBLES)

514
00:22:51,615 --> 00:22:54,323
but instead of waging on boos
by shutting down distilleries

515
00:22:54,325 --> 00:22:57,193
through the 18th amendment, or sing an ax

516
00:22:57,195 --> 00:22:59,223
to break bar tops into kibbling,

517
00:22:59,225 --> 00:23:03,725
he was on a one man mission to
deplete the entire bar stock.

518
00:23:12,445 --> 00:23:13,395
What's your name?

519
00:23:17,225 --> 00:23:19,443
Who told you to sit down?

520
00:23:19,445 --> 00:23:20,445
You were sleeping.

521
00:23:21,815 --> 00:23:25,943
Well wake me up next time, my name's Al,

522
00:23:25,945 --> 00:23:30,945
actually it's, Aloicious Jailmally,

523
00:23:31,065 --> 00:23:32,973
my friends call me Swifty,

524
00:23:32,975 --> 00:23:34,652
at least that's what they used to call me

525
00:23:34,654 --> 00:23:36,519
when I still had friends.

526
00:23:36,521 --> 00:23:37,521
They died?

527
00:23:38,720 --> 00:23:39,637
They did.

528
00:23:42,335 --> 00:23:43,673
Any of them here.

529
00:23:43,675 --> 00:23:48,675
I'm afraid not, none of my boys made it.

530
00:23:48,935 --> 00:23:52,543
Actually I guess I'm lucky
to have snuck through.

531
00:23:52,545 --> 00:23:53,663
You were a politician.

532
00:23:53,665 --> 00:23:58,665
No, no no no, I was
what you call an arranger.

533
00:23:59,225 --> 00:24:04,113
I helped arrange it for
other people to get elected.

534
00:24:04,115 --> 00:24:05,753
And now?

535
00:24:05,755 --> 00:24:10,243
Well my official duties
are to oversee politics,

536
00:24:10,245 --> 00:24:12,673
but mainly what I do is overlook.

537
00:24:12,675 --> 00:24:13,523
Overlook.

538
00:24:13,525 --> 00:24:16,173
As an angel I try to guide them,

539
00:24:16,175 --> 00:24:19,925
encourage them to do the right thing.

540
00:24:21,875 --> 00:24:26,153
Did you ever hear such a
flap doodle in all your life.

541
00:24:26,155 --> 00:24:27,783
We all want to have representatives

542
00:24:27,785 --> 00:24:29,383
in congress and in the white house

543
00:24:29,385 --> 00:24:31,703
that we can respect and look up to.

544
00:24:31,705 --> 00:24:35,183
The only politician the
people should look up to

545
00:24:35,185 --> 00:24:37,705
is the one that's
hanging from the gallows.

546
00:24:39,825 --> 00:24:42,153
BURT: Finally a cheerful angel.

547
00:24:42,155 --> 00:24:43,123
Well indeed I am,

548
00:24:43,125 --> 00:24:44,843
do you suppose that's because I only deal

549
00:24:44,845 --> 00:24:46,313
indirectly with humans?

550
00:24:46,315 --> 00:24:47,433
Who do you deal with?

551
00:24:47,435 --> 00:24:49,263
Why dogs of course.

552
00:24:49,265 --> 00:24:50,340
Dogs.

553
00:24:50,342 --> 00:24:53,619
Of course, why do
you sound so surprised.

554
00:24:53,621 --> 00:24:56,113
I never imagined that poodles
would have their own angel.

555
00:24:56,115 --> 00:24:57,743
Well isn't that like a human being,

556
00:24:57,745 --> 00:25:01,263
to think that heaven is more
about them than their pets.

557
00:25:01,265 --> 00:25:03,263
They're just poor dumb creatures.

558
00:25:03,265 --> 00:25:05,223
Oh I know,

559
00:25:05,225 --> 00:25:08,613
that's why we always try to
make allowances for people.

560
00:25:08,615 --> 00:25:11,163
I was talking about the dogs.

561
00:25:11,165 --> 00:25:12,223
I know.

562
00:25:12,225 --> 00:25:13,293
What about Meryl Streep.

563
00:25:13,295 --> 00:25:14,463
Oh what about her?

564
00:25:14,465 --> 00:25:15,296
Is she alive?

565
00:25:15,298 --> 00:25:16,433
Oh yes yes, she's alive.

566
00:25:16,435 --> 00:25:18,213
She'd be terrific as a dog angel.

567
00:25:18,215 --> 00:25:20,183
Yeah oh my, she's always terrific.

568
00:25:20,185 --> 00:25:21,913
Basically, we'll be guaranteed

569
00:25:21,915 --> 00:25:23,383
at least one Oscar nomination,

570
00:25:23,385 --> 00:25:25,913
I mean the lady sneezes
and she gets nominated.

571
00:25:25,915 --> 00:25:27,053
That is so true.

572
00:25:27,055 --> 00:25:29,541
What do you do for relaxation?

573
00:25:29,543 --> 00:25:31,373
Once in a while I do go rainbow sliding.

574
00:25:31,375 --> 00:25:32,383
What's that like?

575
00:25:32,385 --> 00:25:34,733
They're like those water
slides at the theme parks,

576
00:25:34,735 --> 00:25:35,993
except we don't have to buy tickets

577
00:25:35,995 --> 00:25:37,473
or stand in line all day.

578
00:25:37,475 --> 00:25:40,143
Didn't even realize
they had TV in heaven.

579
00:25:40,145 --> 00:25:42,583
It wouldn't be heaven without it.

580
00:25:42,585 --> 00:25:46,023
The only problem is some
angels don't feel that way.

581
00:25:46,025 --> 00:25:47,743
So I often have to mute it.

582
00:25:47,745 --> 00:25:49,353
That must make it hard on you?

583
00:25:49,355 --> 00:25:51,793
Fortunately I can read lips,

584
00:25:51,795 --> 00:25:55,023
besides they're mostly re-runs,
so I've seen them before.

585
00:25:55,025 --> 00:25:56,863
How many times have you
seen the Frasier episode

586
00:25:56,865 --> 00:25:58,783
that you were just reading about.

587
00:25:58,785 --> 00:26:00,773
Roughly 400 times

588
00:26:00,775 --> 00:26:03,663
but it just keeps getting
better and better.

589
00:26:03,665 --> 00:26:06,393
I guess it's because I'm getting to know

590
00:26:06,395 --> 00:26:08,763
the characters so well.

591
00:26:08,765 --> 00:26:12,093
I think I love Roz best of all.

592
00:26:12,095 --> 00:26:15,673
What forms of entertainment
are most popular in heaven?

593
00:26:15,675 --> 00:26:19,053
Usual things, Celetial
Quaz, Hop Concerts,

594
00:26:19,055 --> 00:26:21,713
lots of re-runs of I Love Lucy.

595
00:26:21,715 --> 00:26:25,023
What do you think of
the television medium?

596
00:26:25,025 --> 00:26:28,593
Well to quote the
great arch-angel Frenal,

597
00:26:28,595 --> 00:26:32,123
they call it a medium
because it's never done well.

598
00:26:32,125 --> 00:26:34,853
What form of entertainment
do you enjoy the most.

599
00:26:34,855 --> 00:26:37,745
Well in my book you
can't beat modern film.

600
00:26:39,325 --> 00:26:44,325
I mean dog acts, Ventrocus,
Tumblers, Arge Comics,

601
00:26:44,445 --> 00:26:48,003
German Comics, Sister
Acts, Barbershop, Quartets,

602
00:26:48,005 --> 00:26:50,213
the whole razzmatazz,
before that all you had

603
00:26:50,215 --> 00:26:53,243
was wandering minstrels and court jesters.

604
00:26:53,245 --> 00:26:56,363
Give me a dog that dances
on its hind legs anytime.

605
00:26:56,365 --> 00:26:57,913
Perhaps just well,

606
00:26:57,915 --> 00:27:00,123
but how much real
satisfaction can there be

607
00:27:00,125 --> 00:27:03,123
in overseeing the affairs of
creatures who pee on trees

608
00:27:03,125 --> 00:27:04,663
and go pop.

609
00:27:04,665 --> 00:27:09,263
And who are fearless,
loving, gentle and loyal

610
00:27:09,265 --> 00:27:11,473
and who don't start wars,

611
00:27:11,475 --> 00:27:14,273
lie, cheat or betray their friends,

612
00:27:14,275 --> 00:27:15,893
whose simple goodness

613
00:27:15,895 --> 00:27:19,733
and piety is an example for the saints,

614
00:27:19,735 --> 00:27:23,673
and yet here you sit truly
astonished by the fact that,

615
00:27:23,675 --> 00:27:26,343
we all have a special place
in our hearts for them,

616
00:27:26,345 --> 00:27:29,853
see I find that totally astonishing.

617
00:27:29,855 --> 00:27:32,603
And it may further shock you to know

618
00:27:32,605 --> 00:27:35,123
that their place in heaven is secure

619
00:27:35,125 --> 00:27:38,093
while the human race
is skating on thin ice.

620
00:27:38,095 --> 00:27:39,953
I never imagined.

621
00:27:39,955 --> 00:27:43,203
Well that's because it's
not their way to brag.

622
00:27:43,205 --> 00:27:48,043
Here on earth even, when a dog
wins a race or a blue ribbon,

623
00:27:48,045 --> 00:27:50,563
he doesn't hug the limelight,

624
00:27:50,565 --> 00:27:53,513
he's very willing to share
the glory with his people.

625
00:27:53,515 --> 00:27:55,653
So it's basically
been your responsibility

626
00:27:55,655 --> 00:27:58,385
to wean us off of bark and onto burgers.

627
00:27:59,405 --> 00:28:01,873
It's not as easy as it sounds.

628
00:28:01,875 --> 00:28:03,923
You people talk about developing a taste

629
00:28:03,925 --> 00:28:06,153
for olives and grand flakes

630
00:28:06,155 --> 00:28:08,143
but can you imagine how long it took me

631
00:28:08,145 --> 00:28:11,943
to convince the very first
person to try a lobster?

632
00:28:11,945 --> 00:28:14,873
plus keep in mind that butter
hadn't been invented yet.

633
00:28:14,875 --> 00:28:17,693
I bet it was even harder
to get us onto snails.

634
00:28:17,695 --> 00:28:19,653
I got lucky on that one.

635
00:28:19,655 --> 00:28:20,653
Butter or no butter,

636
00:28:20,655 --> 00:28:23,233
at the rate those little
rascals reproduce,

637
00:28:23,235 --> 00:28:25,793
if some French gardener
hadn't had a brainstorm

638
00:28:25,795 --> 00:28:28,213
and decided to call them escargot,

639
00:28:28,215 --> 00:28:30,333
you'd be buried in by now.

640
00:28:30,335 --> 00:28:32,923
How'd you like to coax
someone into trying yogurt

641
00:28:32,925 --> 00:28:35,073
before the stuff even had a name.

642
00:28:35,075 --> 00:28:36,503
How'd you manage?

643
00:28:36,505 --> 00:28:39,873
I found this lost soul
wandering in the Gobi Desert

644
00:28:39,875 --> 00:28:43,315
for two weeks, dining
on sand in his sneakers.

645
00:28:45,005 --> 00:28:48,733
Even at that, it took another
five days before he caved in.

646
00:28:48,735 --> 00:28:51,453
And are you telling me that
there's no other geniuses.

647
00:28:51,455 --> 00:28:52,833
Nothing much to speak off.

648
00:28:52,835 --> 00:28:54,073
Find that hard to believe.

649
00:28:54,075 --> 00:28:55,493
Of course you do.

650
00:28:55,495 --> 00:28:58,243
That's because human beings
throw the word around

651
00:28:58,245 --> 00:29:00,643
as recklessly as rice at a wedding.

652
00:29:00,645 --> 00:29:04,023
By actual count in the
history of the world,

653
00:29:04,025 --> 00:29:06,213
there have been nine geniuses.

654
00:29:06,215 --> 00:29:08,803
But, if you believe say People Magazine,

655
00:29:08,805 --> 00:29:11,493
they're as plentiful as
flees on a bloodhound.

656
00:29:11,495 --> 00:29:14,443
Everyone who ever directed
a movie that turned a profit

657
00:29:14,445 --> 00:29:17,103
or been a lawyer for a celebrity criminal

658
00:29:17,105 --> 00:29:19,203
or made a financial killing on Wall Street

659
00:29:19,205 --> 00:29:22,043
or made the cover of
People for that matter,

660
00:29:22,045 --> 00:29:23,653
qualifies for their pantheon.

661
00:29:23,655 --> 00:29:25,263
As it is, the last person

662
00:29:25,265 --> 00:29:28,893
who actually saught creative
inspiration was Andy Warhol,

663
00:29:28,895 --> 00:29:31,083
I'm afraid he misunderstood
when I told him

664
00:29:31,085 --> 00:29:32,483
that to be a great artist,

665
00:29:32,485 --> 00:29:35,313
he might have to eat
Campbell soup to survive.

666
00:29:35,315 --> 00:29:37,153
If it has you so upset,

667
00:29:37,155 --> 00:29:38,803
why don't you do something about it.

668
00:29:38,805 --> 00:29:43,805
I am a muse and clearly you
are unaware of a muse's role.

669
00:29:44,690 --> 00:29:47,543
What happened? Get all mused out?

670
00:29:47,545 --> 00:29:49,573
It's you people.

671
00:29:49,575 --> 00:29:52,223
You stopped wanting to
be divinely inspired,

672
00:29:52,225 --> 00:29:54,123
writers stopped writing great novels

673
00:29:54,125 --> 00:29:56,323
and started writing bad TV shows.

674
00:29:56,325 --> 00:29:59,263
Composers lost interest in symphonies

675
00:29:59,265 --> 00:30:03,493
and concentrated on jingles
selling soap and potato chips.

676
00:30:03,495 --> 00:30:07,683
Architects stopped designing
cathedrals like Notre Dame

677
00:30:07,685 --> 00:30:10,583
and started designing
towers like Notre Trump.

678
00:30:10,585 --> 00:30:12,993
There used to be hundreds of
us in the Arts Department,

679
00:30:12,995 --> 00:30:14,643
it was thrilling.

680
00:30:14,645 --> 00:30:17,153
More than a mere job, it was a calling.

681
00:30:17,155 --> 00:30:22,013
Every time you turned around,
voila, another masterpiece.

682
00:30:22,015 --> 00:30:23,453
What happened?

683
00:30:23,455 --> 00:30:25,403
What always happens.

684
00:30:25,405 --> 00:30:27,883
Funding for the Arts dries up.

685
00:30:27,885 --> 00:30:31,743
The usual cut backs take
place and here I am,

686
00:30:31,745 --> 00:30:34,725
Helen, the lone surviving muse.

687
00:30:37,435 --> 00:30:39,933
Every time I read
that chapter I break up.

688
00:30:39,935 --> 00:30:42,803
Everything she says is so darn true.

689
00:30:42,805 --> 00:30:45,303
Don't you realize she's
talking about people like you,

690
00:30:45,305 --> 00:30:48,253
people who produce movies
like Wuthering Heights

691
00:30:48,255 --> 00:30:50,753
and the Wild Women of Waterloo.

692
00:30:50,755 --> 00:30:52,103
Of course I realize that,

693
00:30:52,105 --> 00:30:53,743
that's why I had to make
the ultimate sacrifice

694
00:30:53,745 --> 00:30:56,843
and sell my Monets and my
Susannies and my Dailies.

695
00:30:56,845 --> 00:30:59,873
That's why I have to have
my name on Angels on Tap,

696
00:30:59,875 --> 00:31:01,233
don't you understand?

697
00:31:01,235 --> 00:31:03,515
I'm trying to save my soul.

698
00:31:04,865 --> 00:31:06,903
Do you miss the old days?

699
00:31:06,905 --> 00:31:07,738
I sure do.

700
00:31:08,945 --> 00:31:11,273
If only we can turn the clock back.

701
00:31:11,275 --> 00:31:13,843
Ever relaxing carriage rides, train trips,

702
00:31:13,845 --> 00:31:16,213
long sea voyages, and on occasion,

703
00:31:16,215 --> 00:31:18,693
an exhilarating gallop across the meadow.

704
00:31:18,695 --> 00:31:22,033
Once in a great while, for a
refreshing change of scenery,

705
00:31:22,035 --> 00:31:23,713
a scent in a hot hair balloon.

706
00:31:23,715 --> 00:31:25,603
Today you get hit with
so many rushed jobs,

707
00:31:25,605 --> 00:31:27,893
we're all on shooting stars.

708
00:31:27,895 --> 00:31:30,013
I'll never forget the
day the wheel was invented.

709
00:31:30,015 --> 00:31:32,305
There was such excitement.

710
00:31:33,355 --> 00:31:35,043
Did they have any
idea what to do with it?

711
00:31:35,045 --> 00:31:36,393
None whatsoever.

712
00:31:36,395 --> 00:31:38,753
That's what made it so exciting.

713
00:31:38,755 --> 00:31:40,753
Everyone sensed they
were onto something big

714
00:31:40,755 --> 00:31:42,443
but they had no idea what.

715
00:31:42,445 --> 00:31:44,563
Was it one person
who made the discovery.

716
00:31:44,565 --> 00:31:47,143
Of course, it's always one person.

717
00:31:47,145 --> 00:31:49,303
As soon as you get a
second person in the room,

718
00:31:49,305 --> 00:31:52,473
all he'll do is tell the first
person to stop horsing around

719
00:31:52,475 --> 00:31:54,113
and get a real job.

720
00:31:54,115 --> 00:31:56,543
So who was it that discovered the wheel?

721
00:31:56,545 --> 00:31:58,043
It was a guy named Benny.

722
00:31:58,045 --> 00:32:01,043
He was just fooling around
one day with different shapes.

723
00:32:01,045 --> 00:32:04,103
It's very fortunate he
finally came up with round.

724
00:32:04,105 --> 00:32:05,283
What do you mean?

725
00:32:05,285 --> 00:32:08,085
Well for the longest time
he got hung up on triangles.

726
00:32:09,065 --> 00:32:12,875
Can you imagine driving around
on four steel rim triangles.

727
00:32:14,195 --> 00:32:15,323
I guess you could say that

728
00:32:15,325 --> 00:32:18,473
we were just a bunch of
general practitioners.

729
00:32:18,475 --> 00:32:21,603
Back then, there wasn't a lot of trouble

730
00:32:21,605 --> 00:32:24,003
that people could get into.

731
00:32:24,005 --> 00:32:27,503
So, just as long as they
didn't mix it up with witches

732
00:32:27,505 --> 00:32:29,083
and they remembered to say their prayers

733
00:32:29,085 --> 00:32:32,543
30 or 40 times a day, the job was a sab.

734
00:32:32,545 --> 00:32:34,423
What did it consist of?

735
00:32:34,425 --> 00:32:36,723
Mostly hovering.

736
00:32:36,725 --> 00:32:37,558
Hovering?

737
00:32:39,220 --> 00:32:42,873
You've seen it in all
the pagans, like cat.

738
00:32:42,875 --> 00:32:43,985
We hovered a lot.

739
00:32:45,515 --> 00:32:49,303
Whenever anybody important
was born, there we were

740
00:32:49,305 --> 00:32:50,465
hovering over him.

741
00:32:52,135 --> 00:32:55,783
Likewise, when they died, I mean,

742
00:32:55,785 --> 00:32:58,783
we'd show up at weddings and crucifixions

743
00:32:58,785 --> 00:33:00,995
and most of your bigger shit takes.

744
00:33:01,915 --> 00:33:03,003
Can you tell me about

745
00:33:03,005 --> 00:33:05,703
some of the great painters you have known?

746
00:33:05,705 --> 00:33:09,003
Well I hate to drop names but perhaps

747
00:33:09,005 --> 00:33:10,983
you've heard of Michael Angelo.

748
00:33:10,985 --> 00:33:13,435
I imagine he's one of
the greatest of them all.

749
00:33:14,285 --> 00:33:15,823
Certainly the laziest.

750
00:33:15,825 --> 00:33:17,293
How can you say that?

751
00:33:17,295 --> 00:33:20,353
A lazy man painted the
ceiling of the Sistine Chapel?

752
00:33:20,355 --> 00:33:22,973
He only took the job because
he could do it lying down.

753
00:33:22,975 --> 00:33:25,283
Still it was a tremendous achievement,

754
00:33:25,285 --> 00:33:27,613
didn't it take him four or five years.

755
00:33:27,615 --> 00:33:30,303
Of course, that's
because he kept napping.

756
00:33:30,305 --> 00:33:33,443
Anyone else would have had it
finished in two weeks tops.

757
00:33:33,445 --> 00:33:36,593
Frankly, in all honesty, I have to admit,

758
00:33:36,595 --> 00:33:38,673
I outdid myself that time.

759
00:33:38,675 --> 00:33:39,933
How so?

760
00:33:39,935 --> 00:33:42,383
Maybe you think it's easy being museful,

761
00:33:42,385 --> 00:33:44,273
when every time you
come around, the artist

762
00:33:44,275 --> 00:33:48,463
is 200 feet up in the
air, snoring like a bear.

763
00:33:48,465 --> 00:33:52,053
I am amazed that you have
to oversee all the fine arts.

764
00:33:52,055 --> 00:33:55,622
I would think that painters
alone would keep you happy.

765
00:33:55,624 --> 00:33:57,783
Hoping mad.

766
00:33:57,785 --> 00:34:00,013
Somewhere along the
line the art of painting

767
00:34:00,015 --> 00:34:01,913
turned into the art of framing.

768
00:34:01,915 --> 00:34:05,443
People put frames around
dots and drips and smudges

769
00:34:05,445 --> 00:34:07,443
and the stuff sells for millions.

770
00:34:07,445 --> 00:34:09,923
Without the fancy frames,
they're the sort of things

771
00:34:09,925 --> 00:34:11,523
that parents of very young children

772
00:34:11,525 --> 00:34:14,343
attach to their refrigerators
with little magnets.

773
00:34:14,345 --> 00:34:16,063
You know our biggest mistake?

774
00:34:16,065 --> 00:34:17,643
Was letting parents
keep the children around

775
00:34:17,645 --> 00:34:19,773
even after the children
were bigger than they are.

776
00:34:19,775 --> 00:34:21,193
It breaks down the natural order of things

777
00:34:21,195 --> 00:34:22,633
when a parent gives a command

778
00:34:22,635 --> 00:34:24,673
and the child is like, oh yeah,

779
00:34:24,675 --> 00:34:28,483
who's gonna make me, or worst
of all, you and who else?

780
00:34:28,485 --> 00:34:31,002
Sounds like you're
talking about teenagers.

781
00:34:31,004 --> 00:34:34,843
Oh the awful T word, try not to say it.

782
00:34:34,845 --> 00:34:36,643
It's a modern aberration you know.

783
00:34:36,645 --> 00:34:38,883
Both the word and the thing itself,

784
00:34:38,885 --> 00:34:40,823
they're an offense to mother nature.

785
00:34:40,825 --> 00:34:43,663
Kind of like a butterfly
turning back into larvae.

786
00:34:43,665 --> 00:34:46,003
But haven't we always had teenagers?

787
00:34:46,005 --> 00:34:47,253
Of course not?

788
00:34:47,255 --> 00:34:49,503
But how can it be avoided.

789
00:34:49,505 --> 00:34:51,073
In those happier days there was simply

790
00:34:51,075 --> 00:34:52,923
no such thing as a teenager.

791
00:34:52,925 --> 00:34:53,833
You went straight from being

792
00:34:53,835 --> 00:34:56,803
an adorable little six year
old to a very short coal miner.

793
00:34:56,805 --> 00:34:59,793
I always say there's nothing
like a 16 hour work day

794
00:34:59,795 --> 00:35:01,143
to keep the young tikes out of mischief,

795
00:35:01,145 --> 00:35:03,113
if you know what I mean.

796
00:35:03,115 --> 00:35:04,333
BURT: What are your duties?

797
00:35:04,335 --> 00:35:07,133
Well let's just say if
it weren't for Old Wully,

798
00:35:07,135 --> 00:35:09,443
people would still be gnashing on twigs,

799
00:35:09,445 --> 00:35:12,133
grass and small rodents.

800
00:35:12,135 --> 00:35:13,633
When you put it that way,

801
00:35:13,635 --> 00:35:16,273
I guess I owe you a pretty large debt.

802
00:35:16,275 --> 00:35:17,803
I'd say so.

803
00:35:17,805 --> 00:35:20,823
Though I actually feel mice
were considered delicacies

804
00:35:20,825 --> 00:35:23,113
until just recently.

805
00:35:23,115 --> 00:35:25,583
Heck fella, it wasn't that
long ago that you folks

806
00:35:25,585 --> 00:35:28,413
gobbled up acorns like
they were bear nuts.

807
00:35:28,415 --> 00:35:29,993
Well what has changed?

808
00:35:29,995 --> 00:35:32,813
It was decided that there
weren't enough differences

809
00:35:32,815 --> 00:35:34,453
to distinguish human beings

810
00:35:34,455 --> 00:35:38,553
from owls and bears and wild boars

811
00:35:38,555 --> 00:35:42,033
and that perhaps diet might
be an area worth exploring.

812
00:35:42,035 --> 00:35:43,583
Who was the greatest genius.

813
00:35:43,585 --> 00:35:45,153
Well that's easy, it was Ag.

814
00:35:45,155 --> 00:35:46,143
Never heard of him.

815
00:35:46,145 --> 00:35:47,313
Of course you didn't,

816
00:35:47,315 --> 00:35:49,633
for one thing he never
made the cover of People

817
00:35:49,635 --> 00:35:52,213
and for another he was quite
a while before your time,

818
00:35:52,215 --> 00:35:54,693
several million years before.

819
00:35:54,695 --> 00:35:56,443
What made him such a genius?

820
00:35:56,445 --> 00:35:58,693
He invented the alphabet.

821
00:35:58,695 --> 00:36:00,853
That's quite an accomplishment.

822
00:36:00,855 --> 00:36:04,513
It was even better before he
caved in to outside pressure.

823
00:36:04,515 --> 00:36:05,663
What happened?

824
00:36:05,665 --> 00:36:08,513
He had a wife who
thought she was creative.

825
00:36:08,515 --> 00:36:11,653
Q, X and Z were her ideas.

826
00:36:11,655 --> 00:36:13,443
So Ag compromised.

827
00:36:13,445 --> 00:36:14,276
Well it was either that

828
00:36:14,278 --> 00:36:17,023
or sleep outside with the Tyrannosaurus.

829
00:36:17,025 --> 00:36:18,873
Genius is a demanding mistress

830
00:36:18,875 --> 00:36:21,553
but it's nothing compared to a pushy wife.

831
00:36:21,555 --> 00:36:23,142
I had a wife like Ag's.

832
00:36:23,144 --> 00:36:24,073
In what way?

833
00:36:24,075 --> 00:36:25,563
Pushy.

834
00:36:25,565 --> 00:36:27,155
Mrs. Bachman number one.

835
00:36:28,175 --> 00:36:30,773
And that divorce cost me
almost as much as this book,

836
00:36:30,775 --> 00:36:32,705
but it was money well spent.

837
00:36:32,707 --> 00:36:33,866
How so?

838
00:36:33,868 --> 00:36:35,433
It taught me that marrying someone

839
00:36:35,435 --> 00:36:37,573
just because they look good on your rom

840
00:36:37,575 --> 00:36:39,543
is a lousy reason to get married.

841
00:36:39,545 --> 00:36:41,043
Much better to go out and buy something

842
00:36:41,045 --> 00:36:42,673
that looks good on your wall.

843
00:36:42,675 --> 00:36:43,845
Like a Suzani.

844
00:36:44,815 --> 00:36:46,013
Yeah.

845
00:36:46,015 --> 00:36:48,793
When did things start
to go downhill for you?

846
00:36:48,795 --> 00:36:50,073
After Edison.

847
00:36:50,075 --> 00:36:52,663
I'd have to say it stopped being fun.

848
00:36:52,665 --> 00:36:54,103
You admired Edison?

849
00:36:54,105 --> 00:36:55,505
He flabbergasted me.

850
00:36:56,375 --> 00:37:00,053
He had a brain on him the
size of a bowling ball.

851
00:37:00,055 --> 00:37:02,823
They say the legs are the first to go,

852
00:37:02,825 --> 00:37:05,103
but if you got a brain like Edison's,

853
00:37:05,105 --> 00:37:06,513
it's the neck.

854
00:37:06,515 --> 00:37:08,443
I take it that you've
been on a first name basis

855
00:37:08,445 --> 00:37:10,303
with some of the biggest
brains in history.

856
00:37:10,305 --> 00:37:13,665
Is there any one moment
that stands out for you?

857
00:37:14,595 --> 00:37:15,426
No.

858
00:37:15,428 --> 00:37:17,033
Come on, there must be something.

859
00:37:17,035 --> 00:37:19,173
I mean the supper where Socrates

860
00:37:19,175 --> 00:37:21,013
expanded on the meaning of love,

861
00:37:21,015 --> 00:37:23,513
the day Shakespeare
drafted Hamlet's Soliloquy,

862
00:37:23,515 --> 00:37:25,583
Isaac Newton's discovery of gravity.

863
00:37:25,585 --> 00:37:28,083
What you think, Newton
was one of the nine?

864
00:37:28,085 --> 00:37:29,743
Well I assumed.

865
00:37:29,745 --> 00:37:33,333
The man was just lucky he
fell asleep under an apple tree.

866
00:37:33,335 --> 00:37:34,613
If it had been a palm tree,

867
00:37:34,615 --> 00:37:36,603
a coconut could have fallen on his head.

868
00:37:36,605 --> 00:37:37,653
And let me tell you,

869
00:37:37,655 --> 00:37:39,513
fella gets beaten by one of those babies,

870
00:37:39,515 --> 00:37:41,953
his big concern isn't
with the laws of nature,

871
00:37:41,955 --> 00:37:43,853
it's his health insurance.

872
00:37:43,855 --> 00:37:46,397
Still, he discovered gravity.

873
00:37:46,399 --> 00:37:49,713
He didn't discover it,
all he did was name it.

874
00:37:49,715 --> 00:37:51,193
What, you think he was the first person

875
00:37:51,195 --> 00:37:53,803
who ever noticed things didn't fall up?

876
00:37:53,805 --> 00:37:57,893
One idea that really knocked
me for a loop was the car.

877
00:37:57,895 --> 00:37:59,503
I still can't get over it.

878
00:37:59,505 --> 00:38:01,383
You mean the internal combustion engine.

879
00:38:01,385 --> 00:38:03,375
Oh good gracious no.

880
00:38:04,245 --> 00:38:05,833
That's just noisy and messy.

881
00:38:05,835 --> 00:38:08,423
I mean what made the fellow plunge ahead?

882
00:38:08,425 --> 00:38:10,593
How could he possibly imagine that others

883
00:38:10,595 --> 00:38:13,203
were going to invent paved roads,

884
00:38:13,205 --> 00:38:17,333
signals, street lights,
speed bumps, gas stations,

885
00:38:17,335 --> 00:38:19,913
tow trucks, and those big fuzzy dice,

886
00:38:19,915 --> 00:38:24,915
just to accommodate his
nutsy notion, what an ego.

887
00:38:25,125 --> 00:38:27,483
With an ego that enormous, you half expect

888
00:38:27,485 --> 00:38:29,783
to see a bunch of guys named Lars

889
00:38:29,785 --> 00:38:33,023
climbing up and planting a flag on it.

890
00:38:33,025 --> 00:38:34,433
I imagine that you've met

891
00:38:34,435 --> 00:38:36,723
all the greatest artists that ever lived.

892
00:38:36,725 --> 00:38:40,653
I knew them all, except for Roca.

893
00:38:40,655 --> 00:38:42,073
Who is Roca?

894
00:38:42,075 --> 00:38:44,503
He was the first one
to do cave drawings.

895
00:38:44,505 --> 00:38:48,315
By the time I realized it
was art and not vandalism,

896
00:38:49,155 --> 00:38:50,593
it was too late to meet him.

897
00:38:50,595 --> 00:38:52,623
Why, what happened?

898
00:38:52,625 --> 00:38:55,303
A dinosaur ate him for breakfast.

899
00:38:55,305 --> 00:38:57,943
And so art criticism was born.

900
00:38:57,945 --> 00:39:00,503
Who was the first professional comedian?

901
00:39:00,505 --> 00:39:04,313
The first professional
comedian was Henry Youngfellow

902
00:39:04,315 --> 00:39:06,503
but his career didn't last long.

903
00:39:06,505 --> 00:39:08,963
Every other line out of his mouth was,

904
00:39:08,965 --> 00:39:11,293
Pretty, taketh thee my wife.

905
00:39:11,295 --> 00:39:14,473
I always thought that court
jesters lived by their wits?

906
00:39:14,475 --> 00:39:15,793
In a sense they did.

907
00:39:15,795 --> 00:39:18,453
Their job, you see, was
to fall down laughing

908
00:39:18,455 --> 00:39:20,273
every time the king made a joke.

909
00:39:20,275 --> 00:39:22,673
The louder the laughed,
the longer they lived.

910
00:39:22,675 --> 00:39:24,103
That's why people started thinking

911
00:39:24,105 --> 00:39:26,123
that laughing was good for your health.

912
00:39:26,125 --> 00:39:28,343
Weren't any of the jesters funny?

913
00:39:28,345 --> 00:39:30,593
Well some laughed
funnier than the others.

914
00:39:30,595 --> 00:39:33,703
But even the jester known
as Agus the Hilarious,

915
00:39:33,705 --> 00:39:35,373
never had a better line than,

916
00:39:35,375 --> 00:39:38,675
she is no lady, she is Lord
Hashford's wife (LAUGHS).

917
00:39:42,875 --> 00:39:46,463
Who do you regard as
the greatest romantics?

918
00:39:46,465 --> 00:39:49,443
One who readily comes
to mind is Shah Jahan

919
00:39:49,445 --> 00:39:52,323
who built the Taj Mahal as a mausoleum,

920
00:39:52,325 --> 00:39:56,473
when his wife, the lovely
Mumtaz Mahal passed away.

921
00:39:56,475 --> 00:39:59,313
Well the Taj Mahal
was a heck of a gesture.

922
00:39:59,315 --> 00:40:02,203
But nothing compared to the Taj Shirley.

923
00:40:02,205 --> 00:40:05,043
The Taj Shirley,
never heard of that one?

924
00:40:05,045 --> 00:40:06,523
It was the house that Shah Jahan

925
00:40:06,525 --> 00:40:08,463
had to build for his second wife

926
00:40:08,465 --> 00:40:11,543
when she got a gander at the
tomb he built for number one.

927
00:40:11,545 --> 00:40:15,293
As Shirley put it, and rightly
so if you want my opinion,

928
00:40:15,295 --> 00:40:17,203
that woman's living better than me,

929
00:40:17,205 --> 00:40:18,663
and she's dead.

930
00:40:18,665 --> 00:40:21,303
The place must have been spectacular.

931
00:40:21,305 --> 00:40:22,973
Oh my yes.

932
00:40:22,975 --> 00:40:26,113
Not only was it twice
as big as the Taj Mahal,

933
00:40:26,115 --> 00:40:30,463
but the reflecting pool was indoors.

934
00:40:30,465 --> 00:40:32,733
Say what you will about Shirley,

935
00:40:32,735 --> 00:40:35,123
she definitely knew what she wanted.

936
00:40:35,125 --> 00:40:37,183
Which invention impressed you the most?

937
00:40:37,185 --> 00:40:38,073
Where to start?

938
00:40:38,075 --> 00:40:40,613
There are so many you couldn't count.

939
00:40:40,615 --> 00:40:43,245
The safety pin was a real doozy.

940
00:40:44,155 --> 00:40:47,203
Very simple but a real money maker,

941
00:40:47,205 --> 00:40:49,273
and baseball cleats were another.

942
00:40:49,275 --> 00:40:50,633
Without the cleats,

943
00:40:50,635 --> 00:40:52,573
nobody would have ever
gotten to first base.

944
00:40:52,575 --> 00:40:54,673
Half way there, they'd fall down.

945
00:40:54,675 --> 00:40:56,543
It's a very slippery game baseball.

946
00:40:56,545 --> 00:40:59,275
Without the cleats, it
would have been ice skating.

947
00:41:00,355 --> 00:41:03,463
The escalator is a snappy idea.

948
00:41:03,465 --> 00:41:04,993
And the juicer is a pip.

949
00:41:04,995 --> 00:41:06,713
Nothing I enjoy more in the morning

950
00:41:06,715 --> 00:41:10,273
than a nice fresh glass of orange juice.

951
00:41:10,275 --> 00:41:11,203
Do you like orange juice?

952
00:41:11,205 --> 00:41:12,233
Sure.

953
00:41:12,235 --> 00:41:14,143
Everybody does.

954
00:41:14,145 --> 00:41:17,853
But do you ever go to
a park and see a statue

955
00:41:17,855 --> 00:41:20,633
of the smart guy who made it all possible?

956
00:41:20,635 --> 00:41:24,180
And what about the fellow
who invented popcorn?

957
00:41:24,182 --> 00:41:27,923
I never thought of
popcorn as an invention.

958
00:41:27,925 --> 00:41:30,593
It doesn't exactly grow on
trees but technically speaking

959
00:41:30,595 --> 00:41:33,373
you're right, popcorn's
always been around.

960
00:41:33,375 --> 00:41:35,793
But it wasn't always food.

961
00:41:35,795 --> 00:41:37,283
It was packing material.

962
00:41:37,285 --> 00:41:39,893
In fact, it was a guy with a
warehouse full of this stuff

963
00:41:39,895 --> 00:41:41,233
who made it all possible.

964
00:41:41,235 --> 00:41:44,273
One night he sat up in bed and shouted,

965
00:41:44,275 --> 00:41:46,203
butter and salt.

966
00:41:46,205 --> 00:41:50,123
Scared his wife half to
death, but he made millions.

967
00:41:50,125 --> 00:41:51,873
And that's where you got the saying,

968
00:41:51,875 --> 00:41:55,463
one man's packing material
is another man's snack.

969
00:41:55,465 --> 00:41:59,193
I think you may need
this more than I do,

970
00:41:59,195 --> 00:42:02,423
oh yeah never mind, I don't
want you to have that.

971
00:42:02,425 --> 00:42:05,793
Now now listen, what made
the old days bearable

972
00:42:05,795 --> 00:42:06,895
were the bosses.

973
00:42:07,775 --> 00:42:09,483
But weren't they all corrupt,

974
00:42:09,485 --> 00:42:13,173
I mean surely you don't long
for the return of Tammany Hall.

975
00:42:13,175 --> 00:42:16,603
These days the people have
to bribe the politicians

976
00:42:16,605 --> 00:42:18,233
to get anything done.

977
00:42:18,235 --> 00:42:22,243
In the old days the politicians
would bribe the people.

978
00:42:22,245 --> 00:42:25,623
Two bucks per vote, if you
voted for the right party.

979
00:42:25,625 --> 00:42:29,593
On election day a go
getter could really score.

980
00:42:29,595 --> 00:42:34,143
He could get himself 10 bucks, 10 bucks.

981
00:42:34,145 --> 00:42:37,843
Now that'd feed family
of four, for a week.

982
00:42:37,845 --> 00:42:39,503
Surely you don't think life was better

983
00:42:39,505 --> 00:42:42,042
back in those dark ages do you?

984
00:42:42,044 --> 00:42:45,233
It was if you were a parent.

985
00:42:45,235 --> 00:42:47,493
You're too young to
remember I suppose but,

986
00:42:47,495 --> 00:42:50,303
there was a time when
youngsters were grateful

987
00:42:50,305 --> 00:42:52,183
to find an apple in
their Christmas stocking.

988
00:42:52,185 --> 00:42:53,833
I should say so.

989
00:42:53,835 --> 00:42:55,563
They were grateful for the stocking.

990
00:42:55,565 --> 00:42:56,843
It's the thought that counted.

991
00:42:56,845 --> 00:42:59,463
When do you think things
started falling apart?

992
00:42:59,465 --> 00:43:02,003
When parents started giving
their kids spending money.

993
00:43:02,005 --> 00:43:03,313
And the car keys.

994
00:43:03,315 --> 00:43:04,353
Cable.

995
00:43:04,355 --> 00:43:05,683
Store bought clothes.

996
00:43:05,685 --> 00:43:08,249
Their own phones, their own beds.

997
00:43:08,251 --> 00:43:09,534
Their own opinions.

998
00:43:09,536 --> 00:43:12,103
Their own bathrooms, and
one thing led to another.

999
00:43:12,105 --> 00:43:13,603
Their own bathrooms.

1000
00:43:13,605 --> 00:43:14,983
Yeah that's right mister.

1001
00:43:14,985 --> 00:43:17,493
They began feeling entitled
to the modern luxuries of life

1002
00:43:17,495 --> 00:43:19,173
and they hadn't done anything to earn it.

1003
00:43:19,175 --> 00:43:22,183
They didn't milk the cows
or till the South 40.

1004
00:43:22,185 --> 00:43:23,423
They didn't even take out the trash

1005
00:43:23,425 --> 00:43:24,743
or bring in the newspaper.

1006
00:43:24,745 --> 00:43:26,743
Or say thank you for all that matter.

1007
00:43:26,745 --> 00:43:29,343
And still their parents
went on treating them

1008
00:43:29,345 --> 00:43:30,963
like little Dalai Lamas.

1009
00:43:30,965 --> 00:43:31,993
But at least teenagers

1010
00:43:31,995 --> 00:43:34,603
now have a sense of their own worth.

1011
00:43:34,605 --> 00:43:37,033
An overinflated sense you mean.

1012
00:43:37,035 --> 00:43:39,863
Why do you think people
persist in having children?

1013
00:43:39,865 --> 00:43:42,025
The perpetuation of the human race.

1014
00:43:43,009 --> 00:43:43,842
For their pelts.

1015
00:43:45,332 --> 00:43:46,923
For their pelts.

1016
00:43:46,925 --> 00:43:50,293
What do you consider the
biggest problem with air travel?

1017
00:43:50,295 --> 00:43:51,553
Leg room.

1018
00:43:51,555 --> 00:43:54,473
People keep getting taller and
seats keep getting smaller.

1019
00:43:54,475 --> 00:43:56,313
Do you see a solution?

1020
00:43:56,315 --> 00:43:57,683
Oh sure, but it will first mean

1021
00:43:57,685 --> 00:43:59,773
soaking passengers in olive oil.

1022
00:43:59,775 --> 00:44:02,025
What's the best thing
about being an angel?

1023
00:44:03,885 --> 00:44:06,353
We get to sneak in
all the movies for free.

1024
00:44:06,355 --> 00:44:07,305
What's the worst?

1025
00:44:08,385 --> 00:44:09,255
The movies.

1026
00:44:10,205 --> 00:44:11,753
Who would have known that the movies

1027
00:44:11,755 --> 00:44:13,123
would catch on the way they did?

1028
00:44:13,125 --> 00:44:15,083
I mean I just thought it was a novelty,

1029
00:44:15,085 --> 00:44:16,723
a fad, like the yo-yo.

1030
00:44:16,725 --> 00:44:19,563
I thought when Mary
Pickford hung up her coals,

1031
00:44:19,565 --> 00:44:20,613
it would all blow over.

1032
00:44:20,615 --> 00:44:22,813
Seems like just yesterday,
you paid a nickel

1033
00:44:22,815 --> 00:44:25,213
and saw eight acts that
would knock your socks off,

1034
00:44:25,215 --> 00:44:28,203
not to mention, chorus girls
with meat on their bones.

1035
00:44:28,205 --> 00:44:31,243
Now you pay 10 bucks to watch Jim Carry

1036
00:44:31,245 --> 00:44:33,163
make faces for two hours.

1037
00:44:33,165 --> 00:44:35,243
Why is it, if travel is so much bother,

1038
00:44:35,245 --> 00:44:37,513
people still insist on taking trips?

1039
00:44:37,515 --> 00:44:39,443
I myself blame it on the movies.

1040
00:44:39,445 --> 00:44:41,263
I don't see the connection.

1041
00:44:41,265 --> 00:44:42,753
In the movies they don't show you

1042
00:44:42,755 --> 00:44:45,423
any of the bad or boring parts of travel.

1043
00:44:45,425 --> 00:44:47,423
People in the movies never spend six hours

1044
00:44:47,425 --> 00:44:48,573
going through customs

1045
00:44:48,575 --> 00:44:50,643
and they never strip search
because they look a tiny bit

1046
00:44:50,645 --> 00:44:52,703
like a fugitive terrorist.

1047
00:44:52,705 --> 00:44:55,883
In the movies people never
get sick from the water.

1048
00:44:55,885 --> 00:44:57,803
Their hotel rooms are
always ready and waiting

1049
00:44:57,805 --> 00:44:59,853
and the telephone always works.

1050
00:44:59,855 --> 00:45:02,993
In the movies people spend all
their time falling in love,

1051
00:45:02,995 --> 00:45:06,083
not trying to track
down their lost luggage.

1052
00:45:06,085 --> 00:45:07,873
The clinture though is that in the movies,

1053
00:45:07,875 --> 00:45:09,993
people can spend their
entire holidays in Rome,

1054
00:45:09,995 --> 00:45:12,903
eating pasta and drinking
wine and never gain an ounce.

1055
00:45:12,905 --> 00:45:14,403
And when you get right down to it,

1056
00:45:14,405 --> 00:45:17,183
the worst thing that ever
happened to tourists in the movies

1057
00:45:17,185 --> 00:45:20,093
was that they got seduced
by Rossano Brazzi.

1058
00:45:20,095 --> 00:45:22,033
Now that you mention it,

1059
00:45:22,035 --> 00:45:24,433
he did pop up in an awful
lot of those movies.

1060
00:45:24,435 --> 00:45:26,273
The man did more for the travel industry

1061
00:45:26,275 --> 00:45:28,893
than honey roasted peanuts
and drownmin combined.

1062
00:45:28,895 --> 00:45:30,503
Do you have a favorite show?

1063
00:45:30,505 --> 00:45:32,093
Wouldn't that be like asking a mother

1064
00:45:32,095 --> 00:45:34,433
if she has a favorite child?

1065
00:45:34,435 --> 00:45:37,983
Each in its own way is special.

1066
00:45:37,985 --> 00:45:40,723
But just between us, I must confess,

1067
00:45:40,725 --> 00:45:44,373
I have a special soft spot for quiz shows.

1068
00:45:44,375 --> 00:45:46,523
Really, why do you think that is?

1069
00:45:46,525 --> 00:45:49,913
I believe it must be because
they're so educational.

1070
00:45:49,915 --> 00:45:53,133
Some people actually believe
TV destroys brain cells.

1071
00:45:53,135 --> 00:45:55,363
I wouldn't want to sound judgmental,

1072
00:45:55,365 --> 00:45:57,813
but those people don't
have two brain cells

1073
00:45:57,815 --> 00:46:00,033
to rub together if you ask me.

1074
00:46:00,035 --> 00:46:01,983
I must say for someone in the love game,

1075
00:46:01,985 --> 00:46:04,305
you don't seem to have your heart in it.

1076
00:46:05,545 --> 00:46:07,243
Don't you believe in your own product?

1077
00:46:07,245 --> 00:46:10,673
Of course I do, but
you people are hopeless.

1078
00:46:10,675 --> 00:46:13,703
Lust has long replaced love
as the governing emotion

1079
00:46:13,705 --> 00:46:17,933
and romance has given way to pornography.

1080
00:46:17,935 --> 00:46:20,193
Why wouldn't I be a pessimist?

1081
00:46:20,195 --> 00:46:24,813
I truly believed the world
sought what I had to offer.

1082
00:46:24,815 --> 00:46:26,803
Now the scales fell from my eyes

1083
00:46:26,805 --> 00:46:30,503
and I see the tunnel at
the end of the light.

1084
00:46:30,505 --> 00:46:32,353
Is there nothing that can be done?

1085
00:46:32,355 --> 00:46:36,903
Well I can't speak for
everyone but I managed to get by

1086
00:46:36,905 --> 00:46:38,703
renting Casa Blanca.

1087
00:46:38,705 --> 00:46:41,153
And Now Voyager every few months

1088
00:46:41,155 --> 00:46:43,813
and a little white wine never hurts.

1089
00:46:43,815 --> 00:46:46,073
Tell me, who thought up applause.

1090
00:46:46,075 --> 00:46:48,483
No one thought it up,
it was an accident really.

1091
00:46:48,485 --> 00:46:51,373
You see, in the beginning,
when people liked a performer,

1092
00:46:51,375 --> 00:46:52,783
they stayed quiet.

1093
00:46:52,785 --> 00:46:55,753
The more they liked it,
the quieter they were.

1094
00:46:55,755 --> 00:47:00,755
Then one night, some musician
was making music with rocks

1095
00:47:01,485 --> 00:47:04,663
and mosquitoes the were
driving everyone nuts.

1096
00:47:04,665 --> 00:47:07,653
People were slapping themselves so hard,

1097
00:47:07,655 --> 00:47:10,213
made such a racquet you
couldn't hear the music.

1098
00:47:10,215 --> 00:47:12,613
But the musician kept on playing.

1099
00:47:12,615 --> 00:47:16,993
So in one fell swoop
you got rock and roll,

1100
00:47:16,995 --> 00:47:18,783
applause and encores.

1101
00:47:18,785 --> 00:47:20,793
Is there any one
person whose contribution

1102
00:47:20,795 --> 00:47:22,983
seems to be greater than all the rest?

1103
00:47:22,985 --> 00:47:24,413
Absolutely.

1104
00:47:24,415 --> 00:47:26,263
Henry Ford, the Wright Brothers.

1105
00:47:26,265 --> 00:47:27,803
H.G. Wells.

1106
00:47:27,805 --> 00:47:31,353
Why H.G. Wells? What
did he do for travel.

1107
00:47:31,355 --> 00:47:33,833
He dreamed up the time machine.

1108
00:47:33,835 --> 00:47:35,553
A person sat at home in a chair

1109
00:47:35,555 --> 00:47:38,023
and time did all the traveling.

1110
00:47:38,025 --> 00:47:39,203
You wanted to go somewhere

1111
00:47:39,205 --> 00:47:41,105
you flipped a dial and it came to you.

1112
00:47:43,215 --> 00:47:45,023
The next best was Gutenberg.

1113
00:47:45,025 --> 00:47:47,905
The Gutenberg who
invented the printing press.

1114
00:47:47,907 --> 00:47:50,401
There was another Gutenberg?

1115
00:47:50,403 --> 00:47:52,923
But what's the printing
press got to do with travel.

1116
00:47:52,925 --> 00:47:54,993
After Gutenberg, if
people suddenly decided

1117
00:47:54,995 --> 00:47:56,323
they wanted to go visit Timbuktu

1118
00:47:56,325 --> 00:47:58,665
they could read about it first.

1119
00:47:58,667 --> 00:48:00,883
After 20 pages they got bored,
they could put the book down

1120
00:48:00,885 --> 00:48:02,353
and they were home.

1121
00:48:02,355 --> 00:48:04,603
No packing, no catching
the next plane out,

1122
00:48:04,605 --> 00:48:07,233
no worrying about the city flyers.

1123
00:48:07,235 --> 00:48:09,933
Some people say travel is broadening.

1124
00:48:09,935 --> 00:48:11,473
Sure and some people like cannibals,

1125
00:48:11,475 --> 00:48:13,353
there's no accounting for taste.

1126
00:48:13,355 --> 00:48:14,913
As someone once pointed out,

1127
00:48:14,915 --> 00:48:16,403
if travel were all that broadening,

1128
00:48:16,405 --> 00:48:17,563
stewardesses and buzz (MUMBLES)

1129
00:48:17,565 --> 00:48:19,703
wouldn't be the smartest people on earth.

1130
00:48:19,705 --> 00:48:22,105
I probably shouldn't
tell tales out of school,

1131
00:48:23,075 --> 00:48:28,075
but the possibility of pulling
the plug on the human race

1132
00:48:28,465 --> 00:48:30,663
has been discussed more than once.

1133
00:48:30,665 --> 00:48:31,633
No.

1134
00:48:31,635 --> 00:48:33,565
Yes, yes.

1135
00:48:34,545 --> 00:48:36,643
The ones that were in favor of it

1136
00:48:36,645 --> 00:48:38,893
thought that it would be
more merciful in the long run

1137
00:48:38,895 --> 00:48:41,253
because of the damage
they're doing to the planet

1138
00:48:41,255 --> 00:48:42,555
and the other inhabitants.

1139
00:48:43,445 --> 00:48:46,093
But it never came up to a final vote

1140
00:48:46,095 --> 00:48:48,723
because the dogs went to bat for you.

1141
00:48:48,725 --> 00:48:52,653
I don't know why, heaven
knows they have a soft spot

1142
00:48:52,655 --> 00:48:54,333
in their hearts for people.

1143
00:48:54,335 --> 00:48:58,373
It may sound like so
much bow wow to you sir,

1144
00:48:58,375 --> 00:49:01,603
but it was only their eloquence
that saved your bacon.

1145
00:49:01,605 --> 00:49:02,853
Gee.

1146
00:49:02,855 --> 00:49:04,335
Gee indeed.

1147
00:49:05,255 --> 00:49:08,483
The only thing they haven't
been able to figure out is,

1148
00:49:08,485 --> 00:49:11,103
why, if they're your best friends,

1149
00:49:11,105 --> 00:49:13,653
the way you always claim they are,

1150
00:49:13,655 --> 00:49:16,883
why so many of you insist
on paling around with cats.

1151
00:49:16,885 --> 00:49:19,323
Don't look at me, I'm allergic.

1152
00:49:19,325 --> 00:49:20,156
Ms. Mary.

1153
00:49:20,158 --> 00:49:20,991
MARY: Yes.

1154
00:49:21,945 --> 00:49:22,823
You wouldn't happen to know

1155
00:49:22,825 --> 00:49:25,175
a little Schnauzer named
Whiskers would you?

1156
00:49:26,465 --> 00:49:28,333
Yes I do.

1157
00:49:28,335 --> 00:49:31,833
It took me weeks to heaven
break that little dickens,

1158
00:49:31,835 --> 00:49:34,305
but he was worth it, he's a love.

1159
00:49:36,065 --> 00:49:38,543
Would you tell him that I said hello.

1160
00:49:38,545 --> 00:49:40,323
My pleasure.

1161
00:49:40,325 --> 00:49:41,203
Thank you.

1162
00:49:41,205 --> 00:49:42,225
You're welcome.

1163
00:49:43,905 --> 00:49:46,485
Remember when the reporter
was talking about his dog.

1164
00:49:47,525 --> 00:49:48,413
Yeah.

1165
00:49:48,415 --> 00:49:50,153
That could have been me.

1166
00:49:50,155 --> 00:49:52,005
You had a Schnauzer named Whiskers.

1167
00:49:53,665 --> 00:49:54,773
Not exactly.

1168
00:49:54,775 --> 00:49:56,325
You had a dog named Whiskers?

1169
00:49:57,245 --> 00:49:58,903
Not exactly.

1170
00:49:58,905 --> 00:50:00,225
Did you even have a dog?

1171
00:50:03,145 --> 00:50:03,978
Not exactly.

1172
00:50:05,595 --> 00:50:07,233
My dad didn't like dogs.

1173
00:50:07,235 --> 00:50:09,483
I had an invisible friend named Lenad.

1174
00:50:09,485 --> 00:50:10,473
But I couldn't have loved him any more

1175
00:50:10,475 --> 00:50:12,025
if he had four feet and a tail.

1176
00:50:13,735 --> 00:50:15,639
What happened to him.

1177
00:50:15,641 --> 00:50:17,213
One day he chased a ball into the street

1178
00:50:17,215 --> 00:50:18,415
and he got hit by a car.

1179
00:50:19,500 --> 00:50:21,723
I still miss him.

1180
00:50:21,725 --> 00:50:23,013
He'd be 52 years old today

1181
00:50:23,015 --> 00:50:25,133
if he didn't stop to scratch himself.

1182
00:50:25,135 --> 00:50:28,723
Who came up with the idea
of eating three meals a day.

1183
00:50:28,725 --> 00:50:29,556
The English.

1184
00:50:29,558 --> 00:50:32,213
In the 14th century,
there were two princes.

1185
00:50:32,215 --> 00:50:35,103
Harold the fat and Bertrum the Bulimic.

1186
00:50:35,105 --> 00:50:38,823
Harold felt that five meals
a day was just about right.

1187
00:50:38,825 --> 00:50:40,003
While his brother Bertrum

1188
00:50:40,005 --> 00:50:42,153
argued that one was quite sufficient,

1189
00:50:42,155 --> 00:50:44,643
especially if you didn't swallow.

1190
00:50:44,645 --> 00:50:47,243
Before a war broke out
between the two factions,

1191
00:50:47,245 --> 00:50:49,283
their father, Arnold the Moderate,

1192
00:50:49,285 --> 00:50:51,623
worked out a compromise.

1193
00:50:51,625 --> 00:50:54,383
It was Arnold who gave meals their names.

1194
00:50:54,385 --> 00:50:57,973
Breakfast was so called
because it broke a fast.

1195
00:50:57,975 --> 00:51:00,103
And dinner was named
after the bell they rang

1196
00:51:00,105 --> 00:51:01,463
when it was time to eat.

1197
00:51:01,465 --> 00:51:02,463
And lunch?

1198
00:51:02,465 --> 00:51:04,833
Named after the Duke of Lunch.

1199
00:51:04,835 --> 00:51:08,263
The man who said, just because
it's too late for breakfast

1200
00:51:08,265 --> 00:51:09,603
and too early for dinner,

1201
00:51:09,605 --> 00:51:12,083
doesn't mean we've gotta starve.

1202
00:51:12,085 --> 00:51:15,073
I suppose people simply
decided that it simply

1203
00:51:15,075 --> 00:51:17,213
didn't matter which fork they used.

1204
00:51:17,215 --> 00:51:18,503
The tricky part was getting people

1205
00:51:18,505 --> 00:51:20,443
to use forks in the first place

1206
00:51:20,445 --> 00:51:23,203
for something besides
scratching their back.

1207
00:51:23,205 --> 00:51:26,913
But why were the rules
of etiquette so elaborate?

1208
00:51:26,915 --> 00:51:31,113
So that people could relax,
knowing exactly how to behave

1209
00:51:31,115 --> 00:51:33,743
in every social situation.

1210
00:51:33,745 --> 00:51:36,203
Is there nobody these days

1211
00:51:36,205 --> 00:51:38,883
that you think even has a spark if genius.

1212
00:51:38,885 --> 00:51:40,923
The pickings are awfully slim

1213
00:51:40,925 --> 00:51:43,903
but I suppose if I had
to come up with one name,

1214
00:51:43,905 --> 00:51:44,975
it would be Oprah.

1215
00:51:46,135 --> 00:51:49,363
Oprah Winfrey is a genius.

1216
00:51:49,365 --> 00:51:52,203
Let me put it to you
that turning lead into gold

1217
00:51:52,205 --> 00:51:54,493
used to be considered a big deal.

1218
00:51:54,495 --> 00:51:59,495
This woman managed to turn
drivel into two billion dollars.

1219
00:51:59,515 --> 00:52:02,183
I think even Ag would have been impressed.

1220
00:52:02,185 --> 00:52:03,443
Who else comes to mind

1221
00:52:03,445 --> 00:52:05,903
when you think of the great romantics?

1222
00:52:05,905 --> 00:52:09,543
Norman Couperman, makes
right there up at the top.

1223
00:52:09,545 --> 00:52:11,143
What did he do?

1224
00:52:11,145 --> 00:52:13,333
It's what he didn't do.

1225
00:52:13,335 --> 00:52:18,335
During World War II, PFC Couperman
got to see Marlana Ditrig

1226
00:52:19,095 --> 00:52:20,785
at the Hollywood canteen.

1227
00:52:22,065 --> 00:52:23,535
She kissed him on the cheek

1228
00:52:24,515 --> 00:52:26,883
and he never again washed his face.

1229
00:52:26,885 --> 00:52:29,843
Now that's what I call romantic.

1230
00:52:29,845 --> 00:52:31,543
It's not very hygienic.

1231
00:52:31,545 --> 00:52:32,753
Well that's true.

1232
00:52:32,755 --> 00:52:36,013
But should I remind you
romance isn't for sissies.

1233
00:52:36,015 --> 00:52:39,703
Look at Van Gogh, for
love he gave up an ear.

1234
00:52:39,705 --> 00:52:41,243
And Edward you may recall,

1235
00:52:41,245 --> 00:52:43,043
even gave up the throne of England.

1236
00:52:43,045 --> 00:52:45,443
If it doesn't come at enormous sacrifice,

1237
00:52:45,445 --> 00:52:47,503
it's not romance dear boy,

1238
00:52:47,505 --> 00:52:49,123
it's just dating.

1239
00:52:49,125 --> 00:52:51,063
Obviously you've seen them all,

1240
00:52:51,065 --> 00:52:52,993
but who would you say is
the greatest entertainer

1241
00:52:52,995 --> 00:52:54,095
who ever lived.

1242
00:52:55,125 --> 00:52:57,653
It's hard to put a finger on one person.

1243
00:52:57,655 --> 00:53:00,933
I mean did Will Rogers
play the musical saw?

1244
00:53:00,935 --> 00:53:02,523
Did Fanny Brace Juggle?

1245
00:53:02,525 --> 00:53:05,253
If Gallagan Sheen tap danced, I missed it.

1246
00:53:05,255 --> 00:53:07,473
Did Gipsy Rose Lee do impressions?

1247
00:53:07,475 --> 00:53:10,533
Who cares, now if you
wanted the loudest voice,

1248
00:53:10,535 --> 00:53:13,903
that would be Carooser, the
guy had lungs like watermelons.

1249
00:53:13,905 --> 00:53:15,113
The funny thing about Carooser though

1250
00:53:15,115 --> 00:53:16,183
he could never whistle.

1251
00:53:16,185 --> 00:53:17,016
When he tried to whistle

1252
00:53:17,018 --> 00:53:19,603
it'd sound like he had
crackers in his mouth.

1253
00:53:19,605 --> 00:53:22,453
That's why the guy never owned
a dog, you can look it up.

1254
00:53:22,455 --> 00:53:23,913
Now if it's whistling you wanted,

1255
00:53:23,915 --> 00:53:27,143
then you had the choice
between Widama's Birds

1256
00:53:27,145 --> 00:53:28,323
and Al Johnson.

1257
00:53:28,325 --> 00:53:29,733
Even that was a toss up.

1258
00:53:29,735 --> 00:53:31,395
I mean Johnson had more range.

1259
00:53:32,245 --> 00:53:33,645
But the birds were Husbrock.

1260
00:53:34,705 --> 00:53:37,043
In your opinion who was
the greatest of them all,

1261
00:53:37,045 --> 00:53:42,045
was it Garbo, Tracy, Gabel or Herper.

1262
00:53:42,621 --> 00:53:44,383
In my opinion, the best of the bunch,

1263
00:53:44,385 --> 00:53:48,293
the one who impressed me the
most was Esther Williams.

1264
00:53:48,295 --> 00:53:49,593
Esther Williams?

1265
00:53:49,595 --> 00:53:52,013
Who else, that broad was a big star,

1266
00:53:52,015 --> 00:53:53,543
never got out of the pool.

1267
00:53:53,545 --> 00:53:54,663
You think that was easy?

1268
00:53:54,665 --> 00:53:57,573
You try doing a performance
in eight feet of water.

1269
00:53:57,575 --> 00:53:59,463
The Chlorine alone could kill you.

1270
00:53:59,465 --> 00:54:03,263
And that made her greater
than say Sir Lawrence Livia.

1271
00:54:03,265 --> 00:54:05,083
There was no comparison.

1272
00:54:05,085 --> 00:54:07,153
He acted in the west end you noticed.

1273
00:54:07,155 --> 00:54:08,485
But never in the deep end.

1274
00:54:09,405 --> 00:54:11,875
How was it decided
that you of all angels

1275
00:54:12,725 --> 00:54:16,293
would have been assigned to sports.

1276
00:54:16,295 --> 00:54:18,273
Well I don't know for certain.

1277
00:54:18,275 --> 00:54:19,923
But I would venture
that they looked around

1278
00:54:19,925 --> 00:54:20,756
for something else

1279
00:54:20,758 --> 00:54:23,963
that had lots of rules governing conduct.

1280
00:54:23,965 --> 00:54:27,003
Rules after all, are my meat.

1281
00:54:27,005 --> 00:54:29,683
Do you oversee all areas of sports

1282
00:54:29,685 --> 00:54:32,793
including basketball and football?

1283
00:54:32,795 --> 00:54:36,443
Oh, so you can still
distinguish between the two.

1284
00:54:36,445 --> 00:54:39,173
You really must be paying close attention.

1285
00:54:39,175 --> 00:54:40,943
But to answer your question though,

1286
00:54:40,945 --> 00:54:43,393
basically all physical activity

1287
00:54:43,395 --> 00:54:46,083
asides from sex and channel surfing

1288
00:54:46,085 --> 00:54:48,753
falls within my domain.

1289
00:54:48,755 --> 00:54:52,003
I'm not questioning your qualifications,

1290
00:54:52,005 --> 00:54:55,563
well actually I guess I am
questioning your qualifications.

1291
00:54:55,565 --> 00:54:57,673
You just don't strike me as a jock.

1292
00:54:57,675 --> 00:54:59,703
I suppose that's why I got the job,

1293
00:54:59,705 --> 00:55:02,733
they were looking for
a civilizing influence.

1294
00:55:02,735 --> 00:55:06,583
What has been your
greatest single challenge?

1295
00:55:06,585 --> 00:55:08,333
Actually there are two.

1296
00:55:08,335 --> 00:55:10,742
The first was artichokes.

1297
00:55:10,744 --> 00:55:14,863
Took me over a thousand years
to figure out how to eat em.

1298
00:55:14,865 --> 00:55:17,363
But the real toughy was alcohol.

1299
00:55:17,365 --> 00:55:20,033
The stuff tasted awful, it smelled worse

1300
00:55:20,035 --> 00:55:23,503
and it played tidly winks
with the old kidneys.

1301
00:55:23,505 --> 00:55:26,353
All that being the
case, why'd you bother?

1302
00:55:26,355 --> 00:55:27,783
Just because it made us laugh

1303
00:55:27,785 --> 00:55:29,163
when you folks would get drunk

1304
00:55:29,165 --> 00:55:31,893
and start arguing politics and religion.

1305
00:55:31,895 --> 00:55:34,593
Even if I grant that
running for political office

1306
00:55:34,595 --> 00:55:36,273
can be a pricey enterprise,

1307
00:55:36,275 --> 00:55:39,265
surely that's money donated
with no strings attached.

1308
00:55:40,515 --> 00:55:44,373
The lobbyist doesn't walk
around with a bag full of money.

1309
00:55:44,375 --> 00:55:48,753
They advise where to invest this money

1310
00:55:48,755 --> 00:55:53,643
and that senator gets to
vote on getting it done.

1311
00:55:53,645 --> 00:55:56,023
What about the ones
who already have money?

1312
00:55:56,025 --> 00:55:59,703
Nobody ever seems to have enough money.

1313
00:55:59,705 --> 00:56:01,443
You don't see Bill Gates

1314
00:56:01,445 --> 00:56:04,063
picking up his pension check do you?

1315
00:56:04,065 --> 00:56:06,763
You make it sound so tawdry.

1316
00:56:06,765 --> 00:56:11,765
The fact remains that no
matter how poor a guy is

1317
00:56:12,655 --> 00:56:14,153
when he first gets elected,

1318
00:56:14,155 --> 00:56:18,733
by the time he retires, he's wealthy

1319
00:56:18,735 --> 00:56:23,135
and all because he knows
how to vote on the job.

1320
00:56:24,095 --> 00:56:26,793
Sounds to me like the real
problem is the lobbyists.

1321
00:56:26,795 --> 00:56:30,903
He's just providing a public service.

1322
00:56:30,905 --> 00:56:33,123
The question is why should anyone

1323
00:56:33,125 --> 00:56:36,253
give a contribution to a candidate

1324
00:56:36,255 --> 00:56:39,443
unless he expects to get
it back a thousand fold.

1325
00:56:39,445 --> 00:56:40,803
And yet some people do.

1326
00:56:40,805 --> 00:56:43,103
I've contributed to a
few political campaigns.

1327
00:56:43,105 --> 00:56:45,363
I mean, I wasn't expecting any favors,

1328
00:56:45,365 --> 00:56:46,493
I just felt the candidate

1329
00:56:46,495 --> 00:56:49,223
would have best represented my concerns.

1330
00:56:49,225 --> 00:56:51,893
There's a word for people like you.

1331
00:56:51,895 --> 00:56:53,125
Responsible citizen.

1332
00:56:55,125 --> 00:56:56,483
Sucker.

1333
00:56:56,485 --> 00:57:00,093
Would you agree that
nothing beats organized sports

1334
00:57:00,095 --> 00:57:03,323
for turning young boys into real men.

1335
00:57:03,325 --> 00:57:06,003
I'm just a little old lady angel,

1336
00:57:06,005 --> 00:57:08,523
so what do I know of such matters.

1337
00:57:08,525 --> 00:57:12,163
Still, it always struck
me as a whee bit odd

1338
00:57:12,165 --> 00:57:13,603
that organized athletics

1339
00:57:13,605 --> 00:57:17,105
called for 30 to 40 robust
young men to shower together,

1340
00:57:18,025 --> 00:57:19,853
when everyone knows that's the main reason

1341
00:57:19,855 --> 00:57:22,793
10% of them join the
team in the first place.

1342
00:57:22,795 --> 00:57:24,793
Looking back over your career,

1343
00:57:24,795 --> 00:57:27,243
who are some of the other
artists that stand out.

1344
00:57:27,245 --> 00:57:31,593
Picasso was almost as
cute as he thought he was.

1345
00:57:31,595 --> 00:57:34,223
Dali, crazy as a poodle.

1346
00:57:34,225 --> 00:57:36,733
Remprant never took a bath.

1347
00:57:36,735 --> 00:57:39,273
Wooslier was a mama's boy.

1348
00:57:39,275 --> 00:57:42,273
And the biggest pain in the
neck was that Botticelli.

1349
00:57:42,275 --> 00:57:43,106
Why was that?

1350
00:57:43,108 --> 00:57:45,503
He's the one who insisted
on painting us angels

1351
00:57:45,505 --> 00:57:47,813
in those sappy robes and the big halos.

1352
00:57:47,815 --> 00:57:51,253
The flowing ribbons and all the
rest of that silly faldural.

1353
00:57:51,255 --> 00:57:53,433
But you're not dressed that way now.

1354
00:57:53,435 --> 00:57:55,913
That's because we're not working.

1355
00:57:55,915 --> 00:57:59,353
When we're on the job, we
have to be in full regalia,

1356
00:57:59,355 --> 00:58:01,373
it's how people expect to see us,

1357
00:58:01,375 --> 00:58:04,143
all because of his goofy paintings.

1358
00:58:04,145 --> 00:58:06,213
The man wasn't an artist,

1359
00:58:06,215 --> 00:58:08,383
he was a costume designer
with a paint brush.

1360
00:58:08,385 --> 00:58:11,423
If we showed up not looking
the way he painted us,

1361
00:58:11,425 --> 00:58:12,943
people assumed we were just ghosts

1362
00:58:12,945 --> 00:58:15,343
or the end result of too many dry martinis

1363
00:58:15,345 --> 00:58:18,623
but if we appeared looking
like something whipped up

1364
00:58:18,625 --> 00:58:20,443
by a French pastry chef,

1365
00:58:20,445 --> 00:58:22,053
people took us seriously.

1366
00:58:22,055 --> 00:58:24,743
Did Botticelli become
an angel when he died?

1367
00:58:24,745 --> 00:58:25,823
Why do you ask?

1368
00:58:25,825 --> 00:58:27,783
I just thought it would be very ironic

1369
00:58:27,785 --> 00:58:30,833
if he himself wound up having
to spend all of eternity

1370
00:58:30,835 --> 00:58:32,685
looking like a piece of wedding cake.

1371
00:58:33,655 --> 00:58:37,323
Yes, I suppose that
would have been ironic but,

1372
00:58:37,325 --> 00:58:40,163
ol' Botticelli didn't
exactly get his wings,

1373
00:58:40,165 --> 00:58:43,913
what he got were his just desserts.

1374
00:58:43,915 --> 00:58:45,223
What happened to him?

1375
00:58:45,225 --> 00:58:47,353
He's busting tables at the cafe limbo.

1376
00:58:47,355 --> 00:58:49,943
I bet he wishes he stuck to landscapes.

1377
00:58:49,945 --> 00:58:51,733
Too late now.

1378
00:58:51,735 --> 00:58:54,063
What ol' Botticelli didn't get I'm afraid,

1379
00:58:54,065 --> 00:58:57,955
is that angels don't
get irony, we get even.

1380
00:58:59,825 --> 00:59:03,053
I was wondering whatever
happened to Christopher,

1381
00:59:03,055 --> 00:59:06,323
the one who used to be the
patron saint of travelers?

1382
00:59:06,325 --> 00:59:08,613
Ever since the demotion,
he was plenty bitter.

1383
00:59:08,615 --> 00:59:09,883
Only time he'd even leave the house

1384
00:59:09,885 --> 00:59:11,943
was in the middle of the night
when he'd run out to airports

1385
00:59:11,945 --> 00:59:13,373
and mix up people's luggage.

1386
00:59:13,375 --> 00:59:15,083
So he is the one.

1387
00:59:15,085 --> 00:59:16,713
Yes but he's okay now.

1388
00:59:16,715 --> 00:59:18,103
Ever since he and the Mrs, got cable,

1389
00:59:18,105 --> 00:59:20,063
he seems satisfied to stay at home

1390
00:59:20,065 --> 00:59:22,133
and watch old travel logs.

1391
00:59:22,135 --> 00:59:26,583
Well in the old days after
all, things were pretty brutal.

1392
00:59:26,585 --> 00:59:29,413
With the Mayans, the loosing
athletes were sacrificed

1393
00:59:29,415 --> 00:59:33,573
to appease the, you should
excuse the expression, gods.

1394
00:59:33,575 --> 00:59:35,783
These days, if worse comes to worse,

1395
00:59:35,785 --> 00:59:37,235
they get traded to Milwaukee.

1396
00:59:38,675 --> 00:59:41,453
There are those who feel
that winning is everything,

1397
00:59:41,455 --> 00:59:42,863
are you one of those people?

1398
00:59:42,865 --> 00:59:46,433
Hardly, I am firmly of the
opinion that it doesn't matter

1399
00:59:46,435 --> 00:59:49,665
if you win or loose, it's
how you play the game,

1400
00:59:50,539 --> 00:59:52,995
unless of course you're an ancient Mayan.

1401
00:59:54,435 --> 00:59:56,383
Who are some of the
great chefs you've known?

1402
00:59:56,385 --> 00:59:59,483
At the top of the list
Charles of the Ritz,

1403
00:59:59,485 --> 01:00:02,383
famous for his toasted cheese sandwich.

1404
01:00:02,385 --> 01:00:03,393
He invented it?

1405
01:00:03,395 --> 01:00:05,493
No, but he did perfect it.

1406
01:00:05,495 --> 01:00:07,813
He was the guy who first burnt the cheese

1407
01:00:07,815 --> 01:00:09,403
around the edge a little.

1408
01:00:09,405 --> 01:00:11,233
The man was genius.

1409
01:00:11,235 --> 01:00:12,403
There are people who claim

1410
01:00:12,405 --> 01:00:14,403
it is immoral for us to eat meat,

1411
01:00:14,405 --> 01:00:15,443
do you agree?

1412
01:00:15,445 --> 01:00:18,473
That's really not my area.

1413
01:00:18,475 --> 01:00:21,583
The way I look at it, if
it tastes good, eat it.

1414
01:00:21,585 --> 01:00:24,043
You're saying morality
doesn't enter into it?

1415
01:00:24,045 --> 01:00:25,743
Keep in mind that,

1416
01:00:25,745 --> 01:00:27,923
what appears to be a question of morality

1417
01:00:27,925 --> 01:00:30,483
is very often only a matter of geography.

1418
01:00:30,485 --> 01:00:33,173
Cows are held to be sacred in some places,

1419
01:00:33,175 --> 01:00:35,843
in some dogs are considered snacks.

1420
01:00:35,845 --> 01:00:38,153
Or take bugs, in one
country they're pests,

1421
01:00:38,155 --> 01:00:40,053
in another they're protein.

1422
01:00:40,055 --> 01:00:41,793
When you start talking morality,

1423
01:00:41,795 --> 01:00:45,893
you get into a big gray
area, for instance,

1424
01:00:45,895 --> 01:00:49,413
there are definitely those,
and I count myself among them,

1425
01:00:49,415 --> 01:00:53,013
who saw it as a giant step,
up the evolutionary ladder,

1426
01:00:53,015 --> 01:00:55,173
when people started eating mutton

1427
01:00:55,175 --> 01:00:56,525
and gave up dating it.

1428
01:00:58,085 --> 01:00:59,863
I don't know if this comes under

1429
01:00:59,865 --> 01:01:01,133
the category of air travel,

1430
01:01:01,135 --> 01:01:03,173
but I am curious about one thing?

1431
01:01:03,175 --> 01:01:05,173
Don't ask, I still don't understand

1432
01:01:05,175 --> 01:01:07,483
how frequent flyer miles work.

1433
01:01:07,485 --> 01:01:11,833
No, it's those people who
you read about all the time,

1434
01:01:11,835 --> 01:01:13,443
that get hit by trains,

1435
01:01:13,445 --> 01:01:16,573
they can't all be committing suicide.

1436
01:01:16,575 --> 01:01:18,315
I have a newsflash for you.

1437
01:01:19,375 --> 01:01:21,953
None of them is committing suicide.

1438
01:01:21,955 --> 01:01:24,373
Then how do they get themselves killed,

1439
01:01:24,375 --> 01:01:26,943
I mean a train doesn't sneak up on you,

1440
01:01:26,945 --> 01:01:29,893
a train for god's sakes is
bigger than a herd of elephants,

1441
01:01:29,895 --> 01:01:31,843
louder than a teenager's boom box

1442
01:01:31,845 --> 01:01:34,793
and they can't jump off the
tracks and chase you down,

1443
01:01:34,795 --> 01:01:38,133
so how does it happen that
trains kill more people

1444
01:01:38,135 --> 01:01:40,173
than disgruntled postal employees

1445
01:01:40,175 --> 01:01:43,223
and botulism put together.

1446
01:01:43,225 --> 01:01:47,083
Does the number 49 have
any significance for you?

1447
01:01:47,085 --> 01:01:49,113
Bill O'Reilly's hat size?

1448
01:01:49,115 --> 01:01:51,343
Close, but no cigar. No.

1449
01:01:51,345 --> 01:01:53,533
That's the average IQ of people

1450
01:01:53,535 --> 01:01:55,923
who get run over by choo choos.

1451
01:01:55,925 --> 01:01:59,315
In the wild kingdom it's
referred to as thinning the herd.

1452
01:02:00,505 --> 01:02:02,093
Do you have a favorite sport?

1453
01:02:02,095 --> 01:02:04,943
Professional wrestling,
nobody gets hurt.

1454
01:02:04,945 --> 01:02:06,723
Which sport was the worst?

1455
01:02:06,725 --> 01:02:08,693
Christians Versus The Lions.

1456
01:02:08,695 --> 01:02:11,313
Even the bookies didn't
care much for that one.

1457
01:02:11,315 --> 01:02:13,363
What's the strangest
sport you've ever seen?

1458
01:02:13,365 --> 01:02:16,253
Without a doubt, that would
have to be early Water Polo.

1459
01:02:16,255 --> 01:02:17,413
Really, why is that?

1460
01:02:17,415 --> 01:02:18,883
It took them a while to figure out

1461
01:02:18,885 --> 01:02:20,765
it just wouldn't work with horses.

1462
01:02:21,625 --> 01:02:23,303
Finally, Ms. Minerva,

1463
01:02:23,305 --> 01:02:25,013
if you weren't in charge of sports,

1464
01:02:25,015 --> 01:02:26,615
what job would you like to have.

1465
01:02:27,805 --> 01:02:28,943
Well lately,

1466
01:02:28,945 --> 01:02:31,213
I've been thinking of
giving real estate a whirl.

1467
01:02:31,215 --> 01:02:32,803
What would you do in real estate?

1468
01:02:32,805 --> 01:02:35,115
First I'd send Donald
Trump to Milwaukee.

1469
01:02:36,555 --> 01:02:38,183
BURT: Do you have hope for the future?

1470
01:02:38,185 --> 01:02:40,353
Of course I do, why wouldn't I?

1471
01:02:40,355 --> 01:02:41,513
Sometimes I worry,

1472
01:02:41,515 --> 01:02:43,993
that technology is moving too fast for us

1473
01:02:43,995 --> 01:02:47,335
and that, I worry that
it will do away with us.

1474
01:02:48,815 --> 01:02:51,993
No matter how big the
machinery or how intelligent

1475
01:02:51,995 --> 01:02:55,773
or how powerful, that will never happen.

1476
01:02:55,775 --> 01:02:59,443
At least not so long as
we remember one thing.

1477
01:02:59,445 --> 01:03:02,793
And that is that we were
created in god's image

1478
01:03:02,795 --> 01:03:05,103
and that there's a spark of immortality

1479
01:03:05,105 --> 01:03:06,463
in each and every one of us.

1480
01:03:06,465 --> 01:03:10,663
No, the one thing we mustn't ever forget

1481
01:03:10,665 --> 01:03:13,843
is to always include an off switch.

1482
01:03:13,845 --> 01:03:16,983
When the next pair of
angels stood before him,

1483
01:03:16,985 --> 01:03:20,263
he looked around, and he realized,

1484
01:03:20,265 --> 01:03:21,895
they were the last angels left.

1485
01:03:22,853 --> 01:03:25,563
He tried to figure out
what their roles were but,

1486
01:03:25,565 --> 01:03:27,093
what was left?

1487
01:03:27,095 --> 01:03:29,293
The angels of medical mal-practice?

1488
01:03:29,295 --> 01:03:31,483
The angels of insurance injustice.

1489
01:03:31,485 --> 01:03:34,133
The angels of small household appliances.

1490
01:03:34,135 --> 01:03:35,543
In the end he was to learn,

1491
01:03:35,545 --> 01:03:37,893
that not only do cocker
spaniels and chihuahuas

1492
01:03:37,895 --> 01:03:40,443
have higher standing in
heaven than we humans,

1493
01:03:40,445 --> 01:03:42,745
but so do toaster ovens
and electric blankets.

1494
01:03:43,835 --> 01:03:45,833
How have things changed over the years.

1495
01:03:45,835 --> 01:03:47,543
Well we've certainly had to adapt.

1496
01:03:47,545 --> 01:03:50,103
To go along with the flow as it were.

1497
01:03:50,105 --> 01:03:52,223
Along the way we found the need to expand

1498
01:03:52,225 --> 01:03:56,783
to include philosophy,
mythology, dietary law.

1499
01:03:56,785 --> 01:04:01,106
And don't forget military
strategy and medieval torches.

1500
01:04:01,108 --> 01:04:04,086
It's certainly been a
broadening experience.

1501
01:04:04,088 --> 01:04:06,513
Yeah, I'm sure you could have guessed

1502
01:04:06,515 --> 01:04:07,493
but it was getting late

1503
01:04:07,495 --> 01:04:09,243
and he had quite an evening.

1504
01:04:09,245 --> 01:04:11,283
That's why he was rather taken aback

1505
01:04:11,285 --> 01:04:15,753
when Julie and John told him
that their arena was religion.

1506
01:04:15,755 --> 01:04:18,073
Yeah yeah yeah, sure
you would have guessed.

1507
01:04:18,075 --> 01:04:19,483
Right, have it your way.

1508
01:04:19,485 --> 01:04:20,723
I'm sure you also would
have guessed that Mary

1509
01:04:20,725 --> 01:04:21,665
was the dog angel.

1510
01:04:22,505 --> 01:04:25,793
Well in the old days there
were very few religions,

1511
01:04:25,795 --> 01:04:26,915
nothing fancy.

1512
01:04:28,145 --> 01:04:31,213
Truth is, if all of the services

1513
01:04:31,215 --> 01:04:33,183
had been conducted in Latin,

1514
01:04:33,185 --> 01:04:34,963
then you would have closed your eyes,

1515
01:04:34,965 --> 01:04:36,053
you'd never know where you were.

1516
01:04:36,055 --> 01:04:38,533
Yeah. But you know how people are.

1517
01:04:38,535 --> 01:04:39,673
Complicated.

1518
01:04:39,675 --> 01:04:42,453
Well, let's just say not too bright.

1519
01:04:42,455 --> 01:04:44,703
So before you could say
Moses and the bull rushes,

1520
01:04:44,705 --> 01:04:48,723
there were more religions,
cults, sects and covens

1521
01:04:48,725 --> 01:04:49,973
than you could shake a stick at.

1522
01:04:49,975 --> 01:04:52,133
Tempted as you might be.

1523
01:04:52,135 --> 01:04:54,423
They just sprang up like toad stores.

1524
01:04:54,425 --> 01:04:56,513
It seems like every
time you turned around,

1525
01:04:56,515 --> 01:04:59,633
there was people speaking
in tongues and channeling

1526
01:04:59,635 --> 01:05:03,883
and reading backwards,
twirling around in circles,

1527
01:05:03,885 --> 01:05:05,585
playing with snakes.

1528
01:05:06,465 --> 01:05:08,133
What's religion like in heaven,

1529
01:05:08,135 --> 01:05:11,529
I mean do you go to church,
does god give sermon?

1530
01:05:11,531 --> 01:05:12,883
No.

1531
01:05:12,885 --> 01:05:14,003
Why not?

1532
01:05:14,005 --> 01:05:15,315
We don't need it.

1533
01:05:16,285 --> 01:05:18,043
The main point of religion

1534
01:05:18,045 --> 01:05:20,493
is to remind people that god exists.

1535
01:05:20,495 --> 01:05:22,863
We don't need reminding god exists.

1536
01:05:22,865 --> 01:05:25,443
And if you need reminding,
try turning your stereo on

1537
01:05:25,445 --> 01:05:26,645
sometime after midnight.

1538
01:05:28,055 --> 01:05:31,462
If you could tell people
one thing, what would it be?

1539
01:05:31,464 --> 01:05:32,653
I think people should remember

1540
01:05:32,655 --> 01:05:35,923
that although god answers all prayers.

1541
01:05:35,925 --> 01:05:39,113
Sometimes they have to
accept that the answer is no.

1542
01:05:39,115 --> 01:05:40,833
The only thing wrong with people,

1543
01:05:40,835 --> 01:05:42,725
is they keep on asking questions,

1544
01:05:43,615 --> 01:05:44,803
long after they've been provided

1545
01:05:44,805 --> 01:05:46,743
with all the answers they'll ever need.

1546
01:05:46,745 --> 01:05:48,233
You mean the 10 commandments?

1547
01:05:48,235 --> 01:05:49,066
Yeah.

1548
01:05:49,068 --> 01:05:51,043
The trouble with most
people, if you ask me,

1549
01:05:51,045 --> 01:05:53,683
is that they seem to think
that there are six commandments

1550
01:05:53,685 --> 01:05:55,633
and four suggestions.

1551
01:05:55,635 --> 01:06:00,635
John, Julie, there's one
thing that I have to ask.

1552
01:06:01,255 --> 01:06:02,183
Of course.

1553
01:06:02,185 --> 01:06:04,285
You wouldn't be human if you didn't ask.

1554
01:06:05,145 --> 01:06:07,675
God, what's he like?

1555
01:06:08,695 --> 01:06:09,645
The waitress.

1556
01:06:12,995 --> 01:06:14,395
God looks like a waitress.

1557
01:06:16,525 --> 01:06:18,963
God is the waitress.

1558
01:06:18,965 --> 01:06:20,603
God is the waitress.

1559
01:06:20,605 --> 01:06:23,063
Hey guys, I didn't just
fall off the turnup truck.

1560
01:06:23,065 --> 01:06:25,593
Suit yourself, but that's the truth.

1561
01:06:25,595 --> 01:06:27,809
If you don't believe us, just ask her.

1562
01:06:27,811 --> 01:06:30,213
If she is god, then
I'm a monkey's uncle.

1563
01:06:30,215 --> 01:06:31,863
Close enough.

1564
01:06:31,865 --> 01:06:34,553
Come on honey, let's call it a night.

1565
01:06:34,555 --> 01:06:36,509
SAMMY: Now we get to my favorite part.

1566
01:06:36,511 --> 01:06:38,163
Prelutsky doddled.

1567
01:06:38,165 --> 01:06:40,733
I love that word, couldn't
you see him doddling.

1568
01:06:40,735 --> 01:06:43,043
He's worried that John and
Julie are playing a joke on him

1569
01:06:43,045 --> 01:06:44,593
and he doesn't want to embarrass himself

1570
01:06:44,595 --> 01:06:47,233
by asking an old woman if she's god.

1571
01:06:47,235 --> 01:06:48,513
But how could he resist.

1572
01:06:48,515 --> 01:06:51,893
I mean, as Prelutsky writes,
what could it hurt on a night

1573
01:06:51,895 --> 01:06:53,783
where I've already met
a room full of angels

1574
01:06:53,785 --> 01:06:55,883
to ask an elderly waitress if she's god?

1575
01:06:55,885 --> 01:06:58,123
I'm yet to meet a waiter
in the Jewish (MUMBLES)

1576
01:06:58,125 --> 01:07:00,033
who wasn't half convinced he was god.

1577
01:07:00,035 --> 01:07:01,585
So what did he have to loose?

1578
01:07:04,605 --> 01:07:05,583
I don't mean to be rude,

1579
01:07:05,585 --> 01:07:09,463
but those two told me that you were god.

1580
01:07:09,465 --> 01:07:11,833
So, what's the question.

1581
01:07:11,835 --> 01:07:14,103
My question is, are you her?

1582
01:07:14,105 --> 01:07:16,633
By her, do you mean me?

1583
01:07:16,635 --> 01:07:19,353
Well I do, if you're her.

1584
01:07:19,355 --> 01:07:21,873
Well if I'm not, then who is?

1585
01:07:21,875 --> 01:07:23,465
So you really are her.

1586
01:07:24,685 --> 01:07:25,845
So help me, me.

1587
01:07:26,758 --> 01:07:27,589
Are you telling me that god

1588
01:07:27,591 --> 01:07:29,633
is waiting tables in crummy bar?

1589
01:07:29,635 --> 01:07:31,003
I've seen worse.

1590
01:07:31,005 --> 01:07:35,103
In fact, right at this moment,
I am sweeping up a cafe

1591
01:07:35,105 --> 01:07:37,403
in downtown Beirut,

1592
01:07:37,405 --> 01:07:40,343
makes this place looks like Versailles.

1593
01:07:40,345 --> 01:07:41,893
That's not the point.

1594
01:07:41,895 --> 01:07:44,733
God waiting tables in a
bar, that's outrageous.

1595
01:07:44,735 --> 01:07:46,313
You're right, I suppose,

1596
01:07:46,315 --> 01:07:48,913
and to tell you the truth
a little hard on my feet

1597
01:07:48,915 --> 01:07:51,943
but, I soak em good when I get home.

1598
01:07:51,945 --> 01:07:55,513
But it's honest work,
we got a nice clientele,

1599
01:07:55,515 --> 01:07:57,075
and I get Sunday's off.

1600
01:07:58,725 --> 01:08:01,449
What was that all about.

1601
01:08:01,451 --> 01:08:03,883
Oh, you noticed I left.

1602
01:08:03,885 --> 01:08:04,733
Wasn't I supposed to.

1603
01:08:04,735 --> 01:08:07,093
That was a darn good trick.

1604
01:08:07,095 --> 01:08:08,373
I must be slowing down.

1605
01:08:08,375 --> 01:08:11,443
It used to be, I could be
everywhere all at the same time.

1606
01:08:11,445 --> 01:08:13,101
Where were you just now?

1607
01:08:13,103 --> 01:08:16,553
A giant comet just crashed into Siberia.

1608
01:08:16,555 --> 01:08:20,503
Comets, volcanoes, tidal waves,
I just love all that stuff.

1609
01:08:20,505 --> 01:08:21,893
What are you doing here?

1610
01:08:21,895 --> 01:08:24,753
Mostly staying in
touch with my workforce.

1611
01:08:24,755 --> 01:08:28,183
Like a CEO who is lunching
at the company cafeteria?

1612
01:08:28,185 --> 01:08:29,223
That's the idea,

1613
01:08:29,225 --> 01:08:31,343
it shows that you're just one of the gang.

1614
01:08:31,345 --> 01:08:34,073
It's supposed to boost morale.

1615
01:08:34,075 --> 01:08:35,563
I read all about that in a book

1616
01:08:35,565 --> 01:08:38,843
about modern management techniques,

1617
01:08:38,845 --> 01:08:41,285
oh and I just joined a bowling league,

1618
01:08:42,266 --> 01:08:45,915
I can't tell you how hard it
is for me not to throw strikes.

1619
01:08:46,835 --> 01:08:48,443
Speaking of books.

1620
01:08:48,445 --> 01:08:51,073
How would you suggest I go
about getting published.

1621
01:08:51,075 --> 01:08:53,453
I heard about all those hot shot writers

1622
01:08:53,455 --> 01:08:56,223
that tried and failed,

1623
01:08:56,225 --> 01:08:59,043
and if they couldn't get
published, how can I?

1624
01:08:59,045 --> 01:09:02,053
Frankly, I wouldn't mind
a little positive publicity.

1625
01:09:02,055 --> 01:09:04,973
Lately, the only time I
see my name is in print,

1626
01:09:04,975 --> 01:09:09,033
is when Time Periodicals
announces my demise

1627
01:09:09,035 --> 01:09:14,035
or some crazy cult leader
says that he has me on hold.

1628
01:09:15,555 --> 01:09:17,376
What do you think I should do?

1629
01:09:17,378 --> 01:09:20,123
When you write your
book, you give me holler,

1630
01:09:20,125 --> 01:09:21,943
I'll make a few calls.

1631
01:09:21,945 --> 01:09:24,693
You know people in the book business?

1632
01:09:24,695 --> 01:09:26,865
I wrote a bestseller you know.

1633
01:09:27,735 --> 01:09:29,053
I forgot.

1634
01:09:29,055 --> 01:09:30,113
So did they.

1635
01:09:30,115 --> 01:09:33,453
I'm still waiting for
my first royalty check.

1636
01:09:33,455 --> 01:09:36,095
Oh, by the way, your car is ready now.

1637
01:09:37,125 --> 01:09:39,513
ROBERT: I have to admit
that is quite the tale.

1638
01:09:39,515 --> 01:09:41,073
SAMMY: Now you understand why this book

1639
01:09:41,075 --> 01:09:42,053
is so important to me.

1640
01:09:42,055 --> 01:09:43,013
ROBERT: I guess I do.

1641
01:09:43,015 --> 01:09:47,493
Look, I know I'm a joke.

1642
01:09:47,495 --> 01:09:49,303
I've owned paintings,

1643
01:09:49,305 --> 01:09:52,003
and I don't even know how to
say the names of the artists.

1644
01:09:52,005 --> 01:09:55,453
But that doesn't mean I didn't
appreciate their beauty,

1645
01:09:55,455 --> 01:09:59,395
believe me, wallpaper would
have been a whole lot cheaper.

1646
01:10:00,385 --> 01:10:02,243
But I love beautiful things,

1647
01:10:02,245 --> 01:10:05,633
and I want Angels to be a beautiful movie.

1648
01:10:05,635 --> 01:10:06,468
Good luck.

1649
01:10:07,515 --> 01:10:12,053
Sometimes, I know this
is gonna sound nuts,

1650
01:10:12,055 --> 01:10:14,833
but sometimes I feel like my mom

1651
01:10:14,835 --> 01:10:16,765
was standing as close to me as you are

1652
01:10:18,015 --> 01:10:20,752
and she's been gone for nearly 20 years.

1653
01:10:20,754 --> 01:10:23,363
She is the real reason I bought this book.

1654
01:10:23,365 --> 01:10:25,333
So I could dedicate the movie to her.

1655
01:10:25,335 --> 01:10:30,335
She is the real reason that I
know that angels really exist.

1656
01:10:37,485 --> 01:10:38,385
She'd like that.

1657
01:10:48,734 --> 01:10:51,151
(SOFT MUSIC)

1658
01:10:53,135 --> 01:10:56,295
Well it was nice meeting you.

1659
01:10:56,297 --> 01:10:57,297
Thank you.

1660
01:10:58,295 --> 01:10:59,126
Peace.

1661
01:10:59,128 --> 01:11:01,275
From your mouth to my ear.

1662
01:11:06,830 --> 01:11:10,163
(SOFT ORCHESTRAL MUSIC)

1663
01:11:10,165 --> 01:11:15,165
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1664
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