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WOMAN: All right.
Oh, my God.
Come on.
[singsong] Hello.
Hey!
Hey, sis! You made it.
- Oh, yes, I did. - Mmm! [chuckles]
- WILL: Hey. - Will, you look good.
Oh, I didn't know you were helping.
- RENEE: Yes, I wanted to. - Aw.
Renee has been right here, helping us with Mama and Daddy.
Oh, stop.
What's up, what's up?
SYLVIA: Ah.
Well, hey there, little brother.
- What's up? - Uh-huh.
- You lookin' happy. [laughs] - All right, all right.
I am. I'm engaged.
- Oh, well, congrats! - Thank you. [chuckles]
[coughs, clears throat]
Yeah, she clearly ain't too fond of her.
- How'd you meet her? - CAROL: She works with A.J.
And he's not too fond of her either.
Hey, congrats, man.
JESSIE: Thank you.
I'll tell you about it later.
I'm sure you will.
Wow, this looks great.
Renee brought the flowers.
Oh! Mama's gonna love these.
- She will. - [sniffs]
- Mmm. - Daddy, too.
Thank you so much for helping us, Renee.
I would do anything for your mama and daddy.
- I love 'em so much. - I know.
You always have.
So, are you picking up the cake?
No. Uncle Heathrow said he got somebody to take care of it.
What? [scoffs] No. No way. Oh, no.
- No. That's not happening. - JESSIE: What's wrong?
You know he's half-crazy.
ELECTRONIC VOICE: I heard that.
Uncle Heathrow! Who's picking up the cake?
ELECTRONIC VOICE: Don't worry about it.
I wanted to do something, so I got it covered.
Oh, okay. [chuckling]
We can't let him get that cake.
How about you pick up the crackers?
ELECTRONIC VOICE: I'm bringing the cake.
Let him do it.
It's their anniversary. It's too important.
Give him something to do.
The cake will be sexually explicit. No.
You right, it will be sexually explicit. I want a old chick on a cat.
- [women exclaim] - CAROL: That's it.
I'm calling Donovan.
Okay. We'll just have a backup.
Of course.
So, is this fiancée of yours coming to the anniversary party?
Yes.
Good. We'll get to meet her then.
That's right. Thank you.
And you,
don't start with me, okay?
I won't.
Uh-huh. Or her, either.
Thank you.
You know, she's just always looking out for us.
I know. Sometimes too much.
Hey, somebody need to wash their ass.
- [snickers] - Did he just say that?
Girl, you know him. He always says what's on his mind.
I don't know, he kinda funny.
When you jacked up like this, all you can do is laugh and hump,
- and screw. - Hey, Uncle Heathrow.
HEATHROW: Hey. How are you?
SYLVIA: I'm good,
Okay, great. Who are you?
I'm Sylvia, your granddaughter?
And that's my husband, Will.
[sighs]
You just ruined a crippled man dream.
RENEE: Oh! [chuckling]
Is Madea and Joe here yet?
You invited them?
Hell, yes, I did.
- [scoffs] - This is supposed to be for family.
They are family. You married into this.
You are not family.
- You a in-law. - Yeah, they should be here.
You know how Daddy feels about them.
Hey, they're still family. And they're funny. [chuckles]
- [Sylvia laughs] - If you say so.
Look, this is a special anniversary.
Oh, anniversary is crazy. Don't ever get married.
That's a waste of time.
Well, uh, I'm getting married.
Oh, congratulations. What's his name?
I ain't gay, Uncle Heathrow.
Then why are your pants so tight?
[all laugh]
That's it. Get out. Out!
That's it, son.
Get out. Of the closet.
[all gasp]
Look, I have a beautiful fiancée, all right?
And you will get a chance to meet her this weekend.
And I love her, just like you loved our grandmother.
I was so happy when she died.
Losing my legs was easier than dealing with her every day.
And she smelled like sanitation.
Okay, stop that.
CAROL: Who are you calling?
That better not be a drug dealer.
Hello. Yeah, I'm running low on my prescription.
I mean it!
[Renee sighs]
- [mouthing] - What are you saying?
You better get your ass away from me 'fore I mess you up.
[cell phone ringing]
- Ah, goddamn. - Who that?
Oh, Lord. It's Heathrow.
That's our brother. Answer the phone.
I don't like talking to Heathrow on the phone.
- That thing he talk with vibrate my ears. - Okay. Mmm.
Make my ear about to have a orgasm.
Give me the phone, let me answer it.
No, no, no. We don't wanna see or hear you have a orgasm.
Ain't that the truth. Ain't that the damn truth. Not up in here.
Still don't hear her have no organism.
Now, I don't know about that, Barn, you might not... [chuckles]
- I might wanna see that. - [cell phone ringing]
- Joe. - [Joe mumbling]
That's Heathrow. Heathrow calling me again.
Joe, go on and get the phone.
I'mma put it on speaker 'cause I don't wanna...
- Hello? - ELECTRONIC VOICE: Y'all on the way?
- Oh! - See how that feel?
That do tickle.
- Wait. - Don't even feel right, do it?
- HEATHROW: Hello? - Oh, he can hear me.
That's making my nipples hard.
Oh, yeah, we over at Brian's house,
waiting for him to get here so he can drive us over there.
Why can't you drive yourself?
I have some vibration going on.
You know I ain't got no damn driver license.
Ain't none of us got no driver license.
We can't drive that far here.
Well, I'm here.
Oh. Well, I know, Heathrow. You can't go nowhere too far.
If your battery dead, you can't go nowhere.
Okay, when you come, bring me some of that good-good.
Heathrow, you done had that cancer from all that smoking.
That's how you got that hole in your throat.
You ain't supposed to be smoking nothing.
Well, we all gonna die from something.
This fool crazy. He getting ready to die.
I'm looking at a few girls
planning to kill a few men, if you know what I mean.
CAROL: You still on the phone with Uncle Joe?
HEATHROW: I'm talking to one of my hos.
All right, fine, I'll see you when you get there.
CAROL: Get off that phone!
I can't stand his ass sometimes, you know.
- He just always that... - HEATHROW: Excuse me.
Oh, you here. All right, hang on...
- I wasn't talking about you. - [laughing]
I wasn't talking about you at all.
I'll see you when you get here.
- Thank you. - JOE: Okay.
Why you didn't tell me to hang up the damn phone?
I thought you did.
He's sitting there listening. Ain't nothing wrong with his ears.
- What'd he say? - I had the phone on speaker.
You didn't hear?
He said, “Hurry up and get down here." And he want to smoke.
How long they been married?
They tell me 40-something years they been married.
Forty years. I can't imagine waking up, looking at the same ass every day.
You need to trade ass in every few years.
Wouldn't nobody be married to you for 40-something seconds.
Do you know what you smell like?
Marriage is a beautiful thing. I love it.
I love it, I love it.
Oh, she's so damn dramatic.
You know, I think I'd like to get married.
You killed your last three husbands.
What you wanna get married for again?
Do you know that bastard had the audacity to come talking to me about some hos?
Uh. We get it, we get it.
- Right. - BAM: We get it.
What? I ain't do nothing but give him a little painless anti-freeze.
Yep, well, she anti-froze him. Anti-froze all his organs.
HATTIE: I'm so glad I'm single.
Ain't seen old Heathrow in all this here time.
Can't wait to spend a little time with him.
You know, I heard his wife died.
Well, she died, but something else died on the vine, too.
Hold on, now. That man had the finest set of legs on this here side of heaven.
Well, he don't have 'em either, Hattie.
You wait a minute, Bam. Old age ain't never stopped nobody
from having no sexiest legs.
Oh, but a doctor will. [chuckles]
- [laughs] - MADEA: That ain't funny.
Joe, that ain't funny, talking about what the doctor did.
You say what?
- Hattie, well, you know, he... - [knocking]
Nothing. Don't worry about it. You go on, have your fantasy about Heathrow.
Hey!
- Hey, Brian! - Hey, Madea!
- Hey, Brian. - Don't you look nice?
Don't be sitting there, telling that damn lie.
Look at her, sitting there looking like a bag of flour.
Don't listen to him. You look great.
This is my good vintage dress.
You don't even know. I borrowed this from Aretha Franklin.
And Miss Hattie, Miss Barn, you two look nice, too.
Thank you, Brian.
Oh. Oh... Dude.
Why you sitting here lying to these old...
Brian, you always seem to say the nicest things to me.
I'm not flirting with you, I'm just saying you look nice. That's it.
This is my fur. I bought it in 1976.
I wear it for special occasions.
And I thought this would be a special occasion.
You mean faux, right? That's not a real fur?
- Four what? - Four dollars.
- Four dollars for what? - JOE: That.
That what he mean. Four dollars.
Miss Bam, you wearing real fur?
F-U-R. “Fur.”
No, listen to me. You know how many animals had to die for you to wear that?
What... what the hell?
I didn't kill 'em.
What do I care about that?
That's really, really horrible.
Soon as I can afford to buy me a fur, y'all gonna say,
“You can't take that. You can't wear that.”
To hell with what y'all saying.
Well, look like the only part of the fur you could afford is the collar.
BRIAN: You shouldn't wear fur, okay? Do you know what people would do?
You'll be walking down the street, and they'll take paint
and throw it all over your fur.
You let somebody put some paint on my fur.
Paint my rabbit.
I don't know why that just turned me on.
But I sure would like to put some paint on your rabbit.
Oh, my God.
Joe, shut up.
I'll make it hop.
Okay! All right, we got the car all gassed up, all right?
- So, let's go. - JOE: Hey, boy.
How the hell you gonna talk about them,
how they look, and not say... You don't see me sitting here?
How do I look?
You look like you always look.
JOE: Boy, you a hater.
I looks good.
Daddy, I smelled you before I walked in the house.
No, you didn't smell me.
I'mma tell you what you smell.
That dude right there.
I smell like fresh berries and springtime
with a little sprinkle of cinnamon across the middle section.
More like old ass and roasted nuts.
[laughter]
[chuckles] Okay, all right, all right.
Brian, thank you for driving on over there. Thank you for driving.
You know I can't drive nowhere. My license ain't right.
I keep telling you, I can help you with that.
Yes, but you also told me I would have to go to court.
Yeah, Madea, you got tickets and warrants and license and everything.
Bench warrants, all the stuff. Yeah, you have to go to court.
I don't go to court, okay?
I'm dragged to court.
I don't just go to court 'cause the judge said to go to court.
I'm a thug, hell.
These new kids don't know nothing about being no thug.
I'm a real thug. I'm a O-G M-A-D-E-A.
Your mama tried to take me to court for 42 years, hell.
I was like, “I ain't going to no court."
No child support.
Changed my address.
I was using your social security number. That's why she couldn't find me.
Every time they tried to track and find out where I was,
went right back to your house.
Mmm.
I'm sorry I jacked up your credit.
Can we go, please?
Look here, young blood, how long this drive?
About three hours.
I hope there's a bathroom on the way
'cause I may have to tinkle. Just a little drop-drop.
Just a drop-drop. Maybe two. [chuckles]
Just what I thought, kids. Okay, come on, let's go.
Come on, y'all. Let's go. Get in the car.
Let's get on up here. Come on.
MADEA: Come on. Come on, y'all, come on.
- BAM: Here we come, Mabel. - MADEA: Come on.
We getting ready to go on the road.
We'd better go to the bathroom first.
Aw, look at them.
They are so in love.
Look, they're still holding hands.
- Who? - Mama and Daddy.
What? Wait, they are not supposed to be here.
- Wait, what? Oh, that's right. - CAROL: Oh, my God.
Hi.
- Mama, y'all are not supposed to be here. - JESSIE: Mmm-mmm.
And neither are you, Daddy.
I told her.
Y'all got to go.
- Fine. - CAROL: Mmm-hmm.
I can do some work at the church.
Yeah. And I can do some shopping.
You forgot you and Mama's anniversary.
- No, I did not. - Didn't you? Yes, you did.
Oh. You better be glad that mall is still open.
ANTHONY: Oh, come on.
And don't come back till 7:00.
Be glad I didn't put you on no schedule.
[gospel music playing on car stereo]
- This is a long-ass way. - Oh, yeah.
Yes, it is.
Could you please stop saying “long-ass way”?
Whenever you say “long-ass way,”
it makes me have to go again.
I wish to hell you wouldn't have to stop one more time.
I've been stopping every five minutes,
talkin' 'bout you have to go to the bathroom.
We've done stopped nine times.
Brian, how far we done went?
Nine miles.
You stop to piss at every mile.
Well, you know I can't help it.
Well, I suspect you better get you one of these here.
Ugh. What is that?
This girl done pull out a damn diaper.
And I wouldn't have to go so much if Brian wasn't driving so slow.
MADEA: Right, speed up here.
BRIAN: I am doing the speed limit.
It's called obeying the law!
He always drive the speed limit, old bitch ass.
- Oh, I'll get you to speed up. - [brakes screeching]
- BRIAN: Hey! - [all screaming]
- Hey! - Joe!
- HATTIE: Damn! - Madea, don't do that.
- MADEA: Speed up here. - [siren whoops]
That's the Po-Po. Hey, throw all the stuff out the window.
[siren wailing]
Give it to me, Joe. Hell, I'm legal.
Okay, hold mine. It's just one blunt. Or 30.
Please don't tell me you have marijuana in this car.
I'm legal. That's why I got a prescription.
Hold on, let me fix my makeup.
For what?
I'mma flirt with him.
JOE: You gonna flirt? Hell, you finna send all of us to jail.
What the hell is you doing?
- BRIAN: I'm pulling over. - JOE: No!
MADEA: Pulling over?
What the hell you mean, you pulling over? For what?
- The police? - Are you insane?
If you see red lights, that means stop, okay?
If you see green light, that mean go.
If you see blue lights, that means you better blow your engine
trying to get the hell away from 'em.
I am gonna show you something here, okay?
Your ignorant ass about to get shot.
Madea, this is the problem, okay?
This is why so many people are getting shot.
Because they're not obeying the law, they're not complying.
Every officer is not a bad officer,
so we just pulled over.
Okay. All right, I'm gonna put that on your tombstone.
“All officers are not bad officers,
except the one that shot my ass."
BRIAN: Will you guys please just stop it?
JOE: Oh, we all about to die.
I never thought I'd die like this. I thought I'd die at the strip club.
You wanna stop? Go, stop. Watch this.
BRIAN: What are you doing?
Do not throw anything out of this car.
Ain't nobody throwing nothing out the window.
We putting our hands out the window 'cause we don't wanna get shot.
You know what? This is absolutely crazy.
I'm sure that's why all these people got shot.
You know what they were doing? They weren't complying.
Boy, you damn crazy?
You ain't see all the people complying and the damn officers still shot 'em?
Man laying down on the street
trying to help a patient, and they shot him?
All them people ain't crazy.
I'm gonna show you and teach you that this is how you comply
when an officer is walking up to the car.
All right, you'll see.
No, you will see.
Somebody get their phone out, so y'all can record 'em.
Hell, no. I ain't finna reach for my phone.
He might think that I'm trying to reach for a gun or something.
Good! You reach for a gun, they'll shoot your ass,
and put me out of my misery.
You mean put him out of his misery.
No, I mean put me out of my misery
'cause if he dead, I won't be miserable no more.
I'll have a nice little lump of insurance.
OFFICER: [over speaker] Driver, turn off your engine.
That's new. They never said that to me before.
Boy, you don't know nothing about no police.
You don't know nothing about no police.
OFFICER: Driver, I repeat. Turn off your engine.
Oh, he getting mad. He done said it twice.
They don't like to talk twice, Brian.
You better leave this bitch running so we can get up out of here.
Daddy, I want y'all to stop, okay? Just stop it.
OFFICER: Take your foot off the brake.
Brian, he telling you what to do. Take your foot off the brake.
BRIAN: Shh!
Now put your foot on the gas, and let's get the hell up out of here.
Wait a minute. How he know your foot was on the brake?
Calm down. When your foot is on the brake,
the brake lights come on, on a car that works.
Oh, the taillight connected to the brake.
You see that? That's how they get you.
That's how they get you, right there.
MADEA: Brian, you gonna be a wimp all your life?
Just go for it.
You know why Tupac got shot? He stopped at the red light.
You know why Biggie got shot? He stopped at a red light.
So you need to go. Drive!
It's so much fun, your heart skips a beat.
Don't you wanna be a daredevil once?
Why you got to be such a square?
Madea, all right.
I'm not running from the police.
We're not doing that today.
Oh, really? Really?
I'm gonna show you that there is nothing wrong
with getting stopped by the police at all.
Nothing. You'll see.
That ain't funny, Hattie.
Get your hands in the window.
Oh, Lord.
Hello, officer. What seems to be the problem?
OFFICER: Put your hands where I can see 'em.
Oh, okay. They're right here.
No, don't move! Do not move again.
I told you, you had to put your hands out the window, didn't I?
I was just putting my hands on the wheel.
- Oh, you wanna play this resistance game? - [cocks gun]
No, I was...
He's complying. That's what he's doing, officer. Freely complying.
Who told you to speak, huh?
I'll be the judge and jury on compliance today.
License and registration.
Don't move!
I just said don't move!
Well, how am I supposed to get it?
Let me see your hands.
They're right here.
Okay, you're gonna listen to me.
Listen very closely, so there's no mistakes out here today.
Left index finger. Left index finger.
Left index finger. Reach across your body and open up the glove compartment
with your left index finger, sir.
What the hell is he talking about, “Use your left...”?
I'm gonna use my middle finger in a minute.
Shut up.
I don't know... I don't know how that's possible.
- Left index finger, sir! - Uh-huh.
When you touch the glove compartment, invert that into the peace sign
and grab the documents.
How is that possible?
Don't talk back to me! Quit doing it!
Damn, I should have paid your insurance.
Wait, my wallet is...
Don't! Don't!
Hey. Hey, just cooperate. He on that stuff.
Okay, okay, just stay calm.
I am calm! I'm very calm!
You are not! I am!
If he calm, I don't wanna see him upset.
You are hostile.
No, sir, I'm not.
Still doing this resistance thing with me, huh?
No. Can I get it out of my jacket?
Reach for your jacket.
Don't you pull nothing out of your jacket
unless it's a phone, so you can record his ass.
You put that camera on 'em, they start acting different.
They different when they see you taping them on the phone.
Well, get yours out and let's go live.
Hell, no. I ain't finna reach up in there.
Hell, I done had too many bullet holes and stab wounds.
I done got old, they don't heal the same no more.
I got diabetes.
You smuggling anything in here, huh?
Just your license and registration, what you got in there?
All of you sit right here, and don't move.
Well, I'm really perturbed.
Ain't that something? That white boy crazy.
- HATTIE: He's schizophrenic, you know. - BRIAN: I don't like this.
I told you. Didn't I tell you? What'd I tell you?
He wasn't supposed to do that.
“He seems so upset. He seems so outraged here, guys.
He seems so upset. Wow.”
This is really out of line. This is very wrong.
This is not right. We didn't do anything.
He didn't even tell us why he was stopping us.
They don't never tell you, son.
This that racist stuff that make me wanna go burn something down.
Make me wanna go protest.
BRIAN: We didn't do anything.
I don't think I like this very much. This is just wrong of him.
Mr. Simmons.
The reason I pulled you over back there is 'cause you swerved
and we can never be too careful.
God bless you all. Drive safe out there.
BARN: The hell?
Wait a minute. I wanna...
Hold the hell on, boy. You better let him go.
Don't be trying to stop him now. It's over, let's go.
We done got away. Let's go.
'Cause if he had ran me, ha-ha,
we was all going down. Let's go.
Right. Now drive, hell.
Why was he so nice all of a sudden? I wanna talk to him.
Okay. Okay, great. You get to the bottom of it.
Can we go now, please? Can we go?
Wait a minute. They probably pulled your name up
in that computer back there
and he saw what you do for a living.
Now he scared, now he running scared.
Running scared now, ain't you?
This is injustice.
And where there is injustice, you have to fight.
You go on and get to the bottom of it, Martin Luther King.
Congressman John Lewis, he said,
“Where there's injustice, you have to fight.”
Get the hell on. Do what you have to do. Let's go.
Andy Young, and Joseph Lowery,
and everybody would not allow this.
You've named all them civil-rights leaders.
Do you know what they have in common?
All of 'em got their ass whipped trying to make change.
Is that supposed to be an excuse?
That's not supposed to be an excuse.
- [siren whoops] - HATTIE: Ooh, they ain't blue.
BARN: He said, “Peace.”
Well, he just left. I got his number.
His name is Eddie. I'll get to the bottom of this.
You ain't never gonna learn. Who learned a lesson here today?
Did I learn a lesson, or did you learn a lesson?
Come on, let's go.
Oh, Lord, I really, really got to go now, y'all.
Barn, if you say you have to pee one more time,
I'm gonna rip out your fallopian tubes.
It's just two drops, Brian.
- JOE: Come on, let's drive. - [tires screech]
[cell phone rings]
- JESSIE: Hey, baby. - WOMAN: Hi.
- Where are you? - I'm on...
Hey, babe, guess who I ran into at the airport.
- Who? - A.J. He was on my flight.
- Really? - Yeah.
Wow. Well, I'll have to tell Carol.
Yeah, we're going to go get a car together.
Oh, no, no. Let me come pick you up.
Babe, you stay. We'll get one.
All right. All right, well, let me talk to my brother real quick.
Okay, cool. Hold on.
- A.J.: Yo, what up, bro? - Hey, you take care of my fiancée, man.
You know I will.
All right. [chuckles] I'll see you when you get here.
All right, will do.
Yeah, you got to be here by 6:00.
We will. We will.
- All right. - All right.
- Bye. - GIA: Bye.
Better make sure you hung up that phone.
I feel really, really bad about this.
- I don't. - That's your brother.
Look, I introduced you. So you know you didn't want him.
[sighs] I just need...
You don't need nothing but me.
- I really love him. - That's cute.
[chuckles]
I mean, what you gonna do with him?
You know his broke ass is boring.
You need a man.
Like me.
I'm just...
Look, we don't have much time.
Hell, look, we took a flight early to be here, so we could hang out.
- Yeah. - Now, let's just enjoy this, a'ight?
- Okay? - Yeah, okay.
- Baby. - Yeah.
Come on.
All right, room's almost ready.
Who the hell paying for it? That's what I wanna know.
I am. I'm paying for it.
Oh, you got it, Mr. Big Spender. Go ahead.
Oh, you a big spender? When I call your ass up asking for 20 dollars
so I can get a little joint or something, you ain't got no money for me.
I don't know why the hell we can't go over there and stay at Vianne's house.
Do like all the other poor black people do
when they go out of town to visit somebody.
They stay with their cousin, their mama near 'em, and everybody else is near 'em.
You know what happened last time we stayed at Vianne's house.
You know why the hell we can't stay over there. He don't like us.
That's not it at all.
Then what the hell is it then, joker?
You don't remember you almost burned the woman's house down?
I refuse to accept the consequences,
responsibilitation for that.
- That wasn't my fault. - Yeah, okay.
Hell, Heathrow was up in there smoking, and you know he got that Jheri curl.
I don't know why the hell, Michael Jackson taught everybody.
If you got a Jheri curl, don't put no fire near.
That dumb bastard sitting there smoking, smoking, smoking.
Hair caught on fire. I said, “Run, nigga, run!"
How the hell you gonna tell our brother to run?
You know what happened to him.
He was rolling, and rolling, rolling, smoke coming out of the top of his head.
He looked like a damn chimney on wheels.
[laughter]
You know I love you, right?
- I know. I love you, too. - [man moaning]
- Gia, hold on. - What?
- [shushing] - No, come here...
- Mmm. You hear that? - What?
What?
WOMAN: Such a bad, bad daddy.
- [man grunting] - That?
Yeah, right next door. You hear that?
- They're doing it. - [muffled thudding]
WOMAN: Anthony! Anthony!
Gia, wait. Wait, wait, wait.
What? I don't wanna hear that.
- I know, but I heard that... - ANTHONY: Who your daddy?
I know that voice.
You know the voice?
- WOMAN: Anthony! - What? Who...
That's my daddy.
This here a nice hotel, yeah.
It do remind me of the one I used to pimp out of.
I had these hos running in and out, right?
And I had this one, they used to call her Contagious.
Don't ask why.
- [sighs] - But anyway, she was running in and out
and I was like, “Look here, you better bring me this money, ho,
'cause you got to go home and feed this boy. He hungry."
Daddy, please, okay? Stop it.
Sorry, I didn't mean to talk about your mama.
- Here you are. - Thank you very much. Okay.
- Sure. - All right, come on.
Let's go get ready for the party.
Yeah, hurry up. I need to get my drink on and my smoke on.
Okay. Come on.
- Your daddy? - Yeah, that's my daddy.
What're you doing?
- I'mma go wait for him to come out. - What?
- What're you sayin'? Why? - What do you mean, “Why"?
- He ain't supposed to be there with her. - You ain't supposed to be here with me!
That's some bull, because you know you always get up with me.
A.J., are you really about to go over there?
- Yeah. - If you go over there, I'm leaving.
- Well, go. I don't care, go. - Go?
- Go. There's the door. Go. - A.J.
[scoffs]
[gasping]
Renee?
A.J.?
- What the hell is going on? - RENEE: Oh, my God.
- What's happening? - RENEE: I don't know.
- [elevator bell dings] - Call the ambulance, A.J.!
Come... Oh, there's A.J. Hey, man.
- How you doing? - "Oh, my...
BRIAN: What're you doing here? What's going on?
- What? - Wait.
[Renee groans]
What the hell?
- Look at her. Hey. - What in the...
- Oh, shit. - JOE: Wow!
Mabel, what happened to him?
That rope got too tight.
You know, that happened to me one time, but I lived.
Will you shut up, Hattie? I wish to hell it would've choked you. Shut up!
I believe that's Anthony.
That sure look like his face, but I can't...
I ain't never seen the other part of him.
Talk about pitching a tent.
What is this?
HATTIE: Oh, that thing right there, that go right across his body, so...
- Hush your mouth! - What?
Hattie, stop tellin' everybody in the whole damn world that you into this.
Shut up!
Hattie, we don't need no tutorial on S & Ms, okay? Hush!
That's that boy's daddy.
So what? Hell, he got to learn at some point!
Wait, he's not breathing. He's not breathing. He's not breathing.
MADEA: What is it?
I don't know about that.
Look like one part of him is breathing pretty good.
Getting plenty of oxygen.
Joe, I want you to shut the hell up.
You'd be laying there just like he is, instead of trying to catch your breath.
JOE: That's it! Rep your set, fool! Rep your set, fool!
Rep your set! [chuckles]
Hey, man, hey! Hey, rep your set. South side!
That girl fine as hell over there.
Shut up, fool!
He needs mouth-to-mouth!
Well, get to it. Make sure you bend over when you do it.
- I don't think I can! - MADEA: Joe!
You ask me to blow no air in that nigga lung.
Y'all better get a plunger.
- Get the hell out the way! I'll do it! - MADEA: Mmm-hmm.
- BAM: Hattie! - BRIAN: Hattie!
Hattie, that ain't his damn face!
- Hattie! Hattie! - HATTIE: What?
Hattie, that's not his mouth!
I told y'all she ain't got no tonsils.
Get your ass up and come on back over here!
- HATTIE: What? - BAM: Hattie!
MADEA: You a pro.
Damn!
BARN: Is that a ball in his mouth?
Yeah, I had one, and it got stuck right there.
BARN: What happened to him?
I don't know. He just stopped breathing.
Maybe there's something wrong with his heart, his chest.
No, baby. It wasn't his heart or his chest.
I believe it was your heart and your chest
that stopped his heart in his chest from beating.
- [chuckles] - What? [sighs]
BARN: Joe, would you shut your mouth?
I know you into the older persuasion.
I can tell 'cause you with his old ass...
[sighing]
...but you think that's something? [chuckles]
Renee, call the ambulance!
Oh...
[indistinct chatter]
[door opens]
- Hey. - Hey, baby.
What's... What's going on? You late.
Yeah.
Okay, so what happened? Flight delayed or something?
No, no, no, traffic.
Where is A.J.?
I don't know.
I thought you two were taking a car together.
No, we didn't.
But you said you would.
Well, I lost him.
He's not answering his phone.
Have you seen him?
Yeah, we got separated at the airport.
Oh, okay.
- I'm gonna call him again. - Okay.
Hey.
CAROL: Hey.
You okay?
Yeah.
What's wrong?
Uh, is your mama here?
No, not yet.
I've been calling her and Daddy.
They were supposed to be here at 7:00. I don't know where they could be.
Did you get them?
No, and A.J. Knows better.
HEATHROW: Beep-beep!
Uncle Heathrow!
Excuse me.
[wheelchair beeping]
- Beep-beep! - [beeping]
CAROL: Oh, no. No, no, no. What is this?
This is the cake I wanna give.
You're not giving this cake...
Take your damn hands off the cake
before I knock you down and run over you.
Okay, wait. How about this?
How about I take the cake and go put it in the kitchen?
No, I want it here on this table.
You are not putting that cake on the table. No, sir.
Leave her alone!
Don't touch the woman on the cat.
- Give me! - Leave the woman on the cat.
- [Carol grunts] - WILL: I got it.
Thank you.
Come on, now, Uncle Heathrow.
Touch this and see if you don't get kicked in the nut.
You don't have legs.
Oh, I forgot about that.
But I got a cane, and I got a fist.
I want it on the table. Put the kitty on the cat.
Put the kitty on the cat!
Where is everybody?
No one's answering their phone and all these people are here.
Is my mama here?
You're late!
Yeah. Where is she?
CAROL: This is why we always fighting.
- Is my mama here? - No, she's not.
Damn, man!
SYLVIA: Why do you look like that?
Why the hell are you so late, A.J.?
See, this is what I'm talking about.
- You are never on time. - [A.J. sighs]
Carol, wait. Somethings wrong.
What's wrong?
No, wait. All these people are here
for your mother and your father's anniversary,
and you can't even be on time.
You are so irresponsible.
Look, I need to talk to my mama.
That's it.
What's wrong?
[whispers] I don't know.
A.J., what is it?
- Oh. Surprise! - ALL: Surprise!
A.J.: Mama! You okay?
I'm sorry. Your daddy never picked me up at the church
and he's not answering his phone.
I don't know where he is. Is he here?
That's not like Daddy at all. Let me go try and call him.
He's in... He's in the hospital.
What? What happened to him?
He had a heart attack.
- VIANNE: What? - SYLVIA: Oh, my God!
Why the hell didn't he say that when he walked in?
Where is he?
St. Andrews.
He's stable, but he's in intensive care.
We might not be able to see him till tomorrow morning.
SYLVIA: Mama, go with us. Come on.
Don't worry. I'm coming. Hold on, hold the car for me.
Get the van, the special one. I'm coming.
- [wheelchair beeping] - Oh.
Hold on.
Damn! Damn!
- [wheelchair beeping] - I dropped the damn kitty cake.
They ain't have to do me like that.
[wailing]
JOE: I don't like being in no hospital.
Come in for one thing,
and then something else goes wrong.
I went up in there because I had a headache.
When I came out, they were trying to cut my foot off.
I said, “Hell, no,
y'all ain't gonna cut my foot off for a headache!”
Joe, shut up. Just shut the hell up.
I wonder what they doing to him back there.
Well, they probably trying to take that ball out of his mouth.
- What? - They're gonna need to get some lube on it
'cause it was down there pretty deep.
Mabel, how a woman get a ball that deep down a man's throat?
Joe, say one thing, Joe, and I'mma slap your ass pissy!
Somebody slappin' you pissy, that don't sound good at all.
MADEA: And on you, it ain't gonna be good,
'cause you know piss sting when you have it on too long. It stings.
[Joe laughs] Here, pissy, pissy, pissy.
Bam, “Little Pissy," that what we call her.
That was her stage name back in the day.
“Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, Little Pissy.”
Hey, nigga, how long we got to be up in this hospital?
We can't leave until we find out he's okay, okay?
I'm sure Vianne and the family are on their way down here.
What the hell we waiting to see if he okay for?
I don't give a damn.
I don't give a damn if he okay. I don't like him.
You know, a heart attack sure can put a damper
on an anniversary party.
You think?
Yeah, sure can, 'specially if you dead.
That's right. Death can do that to you.
Death will take you out of here.
That's right. Death make you dead.
You think that's something, honey? [scoffs]
I sure in hell hope she don't find out
how he died and what he was doing, I sure do.
Well, she ain't got to do anythin',
we can go and tell her that now.
Hattie, you ain't finna say nothing.
Well, why not?
That ain't your business, what that man was doing in that hotel with that girl!
- Well, ain't that your family? - Yes.
Then that make it our business then.
My family, not yours.
Mabel, who you think you talkin' to?
What is you talkin' about over there, Auntie M.?
You know you can't wait to tell her what happened
and what you saw in that hotel.
Nobody's saying anything, Miss Bam. Nobody.
I ain't finna tell her nothing! Let me tell you something.
Folk get mad at you when you tell 'em something about their husband.
I'm not gonna tell Vianne nothin'.
I'mma sit here with my mouth shut.
Good, 'cause let me tell you something...
JOE: Hold on... Hold on a minute. Hold on a minute.
Where was you hos back in the day
when I needed somebody to hold my secrets
when I was running all them hos and had all that weed
and dope and everything, and that heroin?
What happened to the bro code?
Why you keep saying that? We are not men, Joe.
You know, in the animal kingdom,
some species, they have both sexes.
Keep it up, I'm gonna raise this dress up
and show you how much of a dude I am.
You know what? I just can't wait for you to be maggot food.
I just want maggots all over you, just eating you alive.
- HATTIE: Dang, Ma! - What?
That's what I want him to be, some damn maggot food.
There she is. Come on, Vianne.
Hey, Vianne. How you doing, baby?
Any word?
Nothing yet.
- MADEA: Hey, A.J. - Hey.
- MADEA: How you doing? - Fine.
Baby, you got on too much damn cologne.
That's funky.
And it's too sweet, Mabel. I can smell it all the way over here.
MADEA: Yes, it's too strong. Don't wear that no more.
I don't have on cologne.
[scoffing] The hell you preach?
Go with her, player. She might be trying to save your life.
Will you stop it? It's a sad occasion.
It's sad for you. I don't like your daddy, so it ain't sad for me.
I'm just trying to help you out.
Whatever. What is going on, and where's the doctor'?
- Calm down. - No, that's my daddy.
I know that.
And he's been like a father to me.
He been like a father to a lot of women.
Will y'all get the doctor, please?
[sighs] Come on, A.J.
BRIAN: The nurse said she'll be right back.
She look good in that green dress.
Oh, yeah. You all right, Vianne, baby?
Yes, I just wanna know what happened.
Well, see, what had happened was,
he got this here ball stuck in his throat...
Hey! Hey! Hallelujah!
Hattie, you better shut your damn mouth.
And it was lodged back there, in the...
- MADEA: Hush. - Damn, Ma!
I'm sorry.
You ain't had to hit me like that. Keep your damn hands to yourself!
Hattie. Shh.
Don't be shushing me!
Will y'all stop it, please? You are worse than fourth-graders!
This is a serious situation. Stop it.
I don't know who the hell you think you're talkin' to. Your mama a fourth-grader!
Will somebody tell me what's going on?
From what we understand, he had a heart attack. That's all we know.
Yeah, I know that. A.J. said that back at the house.
- BRIAN: Yeah. - But is he all right?
I was with him, he was fine. I just left him.
JOE: Yeah, baby, that's 'cause you left him in a restful state.
Sometimes, when people have a heart attack,
they doin' somethin' strenuous.
Daddy.
- What was he doing? - He was fu...
- [grunts] - BRIAN: Hey!
[stammers]
You lucky you didn't swallow them bastards,
have them go in and chewing up your esophagus,
going down to your stomach.
[muffled] I paid a lot of money for these damn teeth.
Keep it up, I'mma give you a asstric bypass.
BARN: I wanna tell you this.
Brian really did try to help him
when he gave him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
Thank you.
I'm tellin' ya, I saw my nephew kissing on that man, on his lips,
I said, “Lord, have mercy, blow him air in his lungs."
He went in farther than any man should ever go with another man.
Unless you're into that kinda thing.
Where was he?
- At the hot... - [grunts]
MADEA: Shut up!
Damn it, Ma! I'm gonna fuck you up!
Shut up!
Well, where was he?
[stammering] He was...
Well, he was at a... [grunts]
[exhales sharply]
You got one more time to hit me.
I promise, you got one more time to hit me. I'm gonna pull...
Joe. Hattie.
- [imitates slashing] - Oh, I'm sorry.
Are we all still acting like we wasn't at the hotel?
[groans]
- Wait. What hotel? - BAM: A-ha!
Now you askin' the right question.
MADEA: Barn. Barn, hush.
Oh, there's the doctor.
Listen. Hey, doc.
Can you please come back in a little while?
They're asking us questions
and we wanna answer them before you start talking.
Keep going. Now, next question, please.
No. I wanna know what's going on with my father-in-law.
What is going on?
You were so close.
Ooh, shut your mouth!
Sitting over there looking like Raj and Dee's mama.
- Are you the Thompson family? - WOMEN: Yes.
- Is he all right? - DOCTOR: And you are?
His wife.
I'm sorry, he didn't make it.
- What? - I'm sorry.
[Sylvia sobbing]
- No. - I'm sorry.
- [weeping] - No. No.
And she just walk off like that? What kind of hospital is this?
Y'all have insurance or somethin', the way she just left?
- Bam. - Mabel.
MADEA: Why the hell are you crying?
I just cry when I see everybody else crying.
Oh, Lord! He dead.
- HATTIE: Joe. - Yeah?
You sad, too?
Yeah, I'm real sad. [sniffles]
He owed me some money.
MADEA: Will you shut the hell up?
Can't you see this is a sad occasion?
Look at these people crying.
And you sitting there saying something stupid, like that ignorant ass.
Look here, Nate Dogg. If I'm not in his will,
I'm telling you right now, that funeral's finna be messed up.
[sobbing]
Can you smoke weed in a hospital?
I'm gonna hit you next.
WILL: You all right, Uncle Heathrow?
I know y'all were close.
Yes, we were close.
Did y'all get his personal things?
Nah, not yet.
You get his driver's license?
Why?
Well, I wanna know if he's a organ donor.
- Tsk! - No, I need a kidney.
I'm sure he had good organs left in that body somewhere,
except for his heart. Don't really want that.
Will you stop it? Vianne's getting ready to come in here.
Hey, maybe you can have the bottom of his legs. [chuckles]
Or his liver.
Or maybe you can get a lung, just cover up the...
[door opens]
[Vianne sighs]
HEATHROW: Hey, Vianne, how are you?
I'm so sorry, baby. I'm so sorry.
SYLVIA: Mom, are you all right?
I'm okay.
Try not to get that Jheri-curl juice on your hand
that's on my shoulder.
Sorry about your sheets.
And your couch.
And your husband.
Mama, we'll go with you.
No. I just need some time.
SYLVIA: Okay.
Hang on in there. The Bible said, Two Timothy,
that the wages of the... employed shall be unemployed when they go to work.
Amen.
You know what they say about lonely women, don't you?
[whispers] They give it up.
You okay, baby?
Yeah, I'm fine. I was just a little...
Yeah.
Oh, you talking to her. [chuckles]
Don't be whispering up in this ear, talking about, “You okay, baby?”
I'll be gettin' ready to give you some. [chuckles]
I'm so sorry about your daddy.
- Thank you, honey. - You okay, A.J.?
That's a stupid question.
He just call her dumb?
I was just trying to see if you were okay.
Wasn't trying to...
[sighs]
My daddy died.
What you think?
I'm sorry.
Why the hell you being so mean to that girl?
I don't know why you're being so mean to her.
I'm gonna shut my mouth, 'cause I been punchin' him in his damn face.
Y'all better tell his ignorant ass something 'cause I don't like that.
A.J., now is not the time, okay?
Thank you.
Now, y'all know we got to be here to help Mama through this.
That's right. Listen, we'll be here to help do anything we can.
- Thank you, Brian. - Sure.
MADEA: Anything y'all need.
We right here any time, day or night.
We right here. But if you need something right now,
you have to wait till morning. We getting ready to go.
JOE: In the morning. That's right.
Hell, yeah, we ain't finna be here tonight.
I'm tired. I got to go lay it down.
Player have to rest.
- SYLVIA: Brian? - BRIAN: Yeah?
Thanks for trying.
I wish I could've did more. Sorry.
It's okay.
MADEA: And, baby, let me tell you something. He tried.
Brian looked down at Daddy. He was a hero.
He just went and tried to help that man
with all that stuff strapped to him. I mean...
[stammers] All... Nothing. It was just, you know...
He was just... It was... It was terrible.
He was at a hotel?
- Uh... - Baby, I'm exhausted.
I'm more tired than Harriet Tubman and Rosa Parks, all put together.
Yeah, I believe that's about right.
We need to go. Uh...
Come on, guys. It's getting late.
Wait, why was he at a hotel?
[groans softly]
Um... She wants to know why he was at the hotel.
Well, these hos don't tell. Okay.
Okay, wait, what the hell is going on?
Nothing, just let them go. I know you're tired.
Yeah, they exhausted.
Yeah. All of a sudden, I got real tired.
Where's my purse? Oh, it's on my lap. [chuckles]
Yeah, we're all tired, uh...
- Where we going? - Come on. Come on.
BARN: Here we come.
- HATTIE: We ain't never been... - JOE: Come on. Come on, Hattie.
- Hurry up! - HATTIE: Good Lord!
JOE: Come on, let's go. Go on.
If you ain't there in 30 seconds, I'm leaving.
I'll see y'all later on.
What are they not telling us?
I'm sorry, y'all. I got to go.
I got to go pick up my son. I'm sorry.
CAROL: Oh, thank you. Um...
You should go upstairs and talk to Mama.
I'm sure she's still up.
She don't have to do that.
Nah, you don't have to do that.
What?
Nah. Just let her rest.
Come on. I'll walk you to your car.
You know this neighborhoods rough, right?
No, it's not.
Nah, I'll walk with her.
Let me tell your ho-ish ass something.
Don't you talk to me like that.
Don't bring your damn ass to this house no more. You hear me'?
Get your damn hands off of me!
Look, I will tell my mother.
And I will tell your brother!
About you and his wife.
What, you think I didn't see that?
A.J.: You don't know me.
You better get in that house
and get with that girl
so you can keep her daddy's money coming in
and leave me the hell alone.
I am not the one.
Yeah, okay. I know you heard me, though.
And I know your ass better heard me, too.
Now, move.
Yo. What's that about?
A.J.: Nothing, man. Come on.
JESSIE: Hey, um...
I'm glad you're here, man.
Come on, man.
We just... We just lost our daddy, man.
I don't know. You were more of a father to me than he was.
Man, he was a great dad, man.
But he was always gone.
Always. Ever since I was born.
But you...
you were there.
I'm glad you're here now.
Come on, man, let's just go in the house.
One more thing, actually, I wanted to ask you, um...
I was going to ask you after the party, but...
I want you to be my best man.
Best man?
Yeah. I asked Gia to marry me, and she said yeah.
You like her, right?
Yeah. Yeah.
Good.
I know Carol don't.
Man, she don't like nobody.
- [sighs] - So, um...
What you think?
Can you do that for me?
Yeah.
- Yeah? - Yeah, sure.
All right. [laughs]
- Love you, man. - I love you, too, man.
I can't believe he's gone.
Yeah, I know. I'm sorry, baby. It's okay.
And it's just Mama now.
I don't know what she's gonna do without him.
She loved him so much.
Yeah. I...
And all those years.
I'm sure she's devastated.
Yeah, I'm sure she is.
You know, your brother seems strange.
Yeah, well, Jessie and my dad never got close.
But, um, Anthony and A.J., they are the same.
Just alike.
Why'd you have to go out to talk to her?
I just did.
- But why? - Carol!
I just asked you a question.
Well, my daddy just died, okay?
Can you just give me a break?
Just back off, all right? Back off!
You know, I'm really getting tired of you talking to me like this.
Well, good, because I'm getting tired of talking to you.
Okay.
I see how it's gonna be.
Look...
Can you just give me a moment to breathe?
I'm sorry.
Yeah, fine.
Where you going?
To take that moment.
- Everything all right, bro? - Yeah.
Sure? You wanna talk about it?
Nah, man. I'm just gonna go outside and get some air.
All right, let me throw a shirt on. I'll come with you.
No, no need. You just stay with her.
All right.
[door opens]
Man, baby. [sighs]
What's up?
My brother ain't taking this too well.
Yeah, I know.
What about you? How you feeling?
I'm fine. Just sad.
Yeah, I know.
I know, baby.
You don't seem too upset.
I mean, I'm sad. It's just...
I'm good.
I just can't believe I lost my daddy.
Yeah. I'm here.
I know, baby.
I know.
I'm so glad I got you.
I'm so glad I got you, too.
[cell phone vibrates]
[cell phone chimes]
I'm right here for you.
Hi.
You're up early.
Yeah. Couldn't sleep.
Yeah, I didn't do much better myself.
Hi.
RENEE: I started breakfast.
- I knew your mama wouldn't be up to it. - I know. Thank you.
[sniffs] Smells good in here.
- What the hell you doing in here? - SYLVIA: A.J.!
A.J.: No, you need to get your ass out of here.
SYLVIA: What is wrong with you?
A.J.: You don't know who she is, do you?
She's Mama and Daddy's friend.
She ain't no damn friend.
No? Well, then tell me who I am, A.J.
- Tell me! - You better get...
Okay, what the hell is going on?
CAROL: A.J.! A.J.! Baby.
No. Don't follow me, Carol.
I don't think you ought to follow him.
[Carol groans]
CAROL: I'm sorry.
I guess I could say good morning to you.
- Hi, good morning. - How y'all doing?
- SYLVIA: Good. - MADEA: Good.
Hell, y'all got a hell of a morning going on up in here, don't you? [laughs]
- What was all that about? - Mmm-hmm.
Nothing.
Yes, it was got to be something, honey.
- Right. - BAM: What did he do?
What did you do?
Bam, hush, hush, hush.
- How're y'all doing? - We're good, baby.
We came over here to be with y'all
'cause I know that y'all just going through,
'cause your daddy is dead.
[stammers] Yeah. I know.
And I know it's hard for you,
'cause y'all don't even know what to do, 'cause he's so dead,
but I hope y'all all right 'cause grief is something.
Somebody just here one day,
and then just drop down dead the next.
Don't even know, people die that ain't never died before.
- SYLVIA: I know. - And it's just horrible.
Yeah.
Heart ain't beating, no blood running warm in his vein,
no nothing.
But we here to encourage you, and lift you up
and pray with y'all and let the Lord be...
Have his way.
That's the one. Have his way with the dead man.
Yeah. And I appreciate that.
And I'm just here for y'all.
I want y'all to know that I came to courage you.
That's what I'm here for. To courage you.
- You understand? - SYLVIA: Yes.
- I'm bringing you courage. - SYLVIA: We appreciate that.
- All the way from my house. - Thank you. Thank you. Yes.
- Sorry he dead, though. - SYLVIA: Uh, um, um...
- Listen, Madea. - MADEA: Hmm'?
My mother asked about you this morning.
- Do she? - SYLVIA: Mmm-hmm.
MADEA: I ain't got no money to help bury nobody. I'm sorry.
No. She just wants to talk to you.
Okay, 'cause your dad is dead. Where she at now?
She's up in her room.
In the upper room?
She upstairs in the upper room?
Lord, she dead, too?
- Oh, Jesus! - Hattie, Hattie!
I don't even know why I be bothered with you, Hattie. Listen to me.
The woman is upstairs. She's not in the upper room.
Okay? She upstairs.
- Oh. - Lord, have mercy.
- I thought she upstairs in the upper room. - No. No.
- Come on, Bam, let's go. - Okay.
[stammers] I'm going, too.
I said, “Come on, Barn.”
I thought you said, “Come on, ma'am.” I'm coming.
I thought you wanted to be down here with Heathrow?
Right. You like him so much, you could be down here with Heathrow.
- Come on. - No!
- Fine! Come on. Fine! Come on. - I changed my mind!
BARN: Mabel, stairs is difficult for me.
MADEA: That's 'cause your ass is getting difficult to go up 'em.
- [Hattie exclaims] - Shh!
Hush, girl! Hush! She's sad, she's sad.
Hey.
- Hey. - HATTIE: Hey.
Hey. How' re you?
I'm not good.
That's because he's dead, huh?
- Bam! - What, Mabel? He is dead.
Hush your mouth.
I'm just trying to help her. Minister to her.
That ain't no ministry, hush.
You ain't got no power. You ain't anointed.
- Sure insensitive. - MADEA: Yes, it's insensitive.
- Will you shut the hell up? - Mabel, I'm just trying to help her.
- She knows she's sad already. - Mmm...
How're you doing, baby?
I'm okay.
Well, you looks bad.
I mean, you don't look good at all!
Hattie.
- You look awful! - Hattie!
Don't be saying that to the woman.
She can hear you.
I don't know why the hell I asked y'all to come up here with me.
You should've stayed downstairs.
- Where's she going? What, what? - [murmuring]
Madea.
MADEA: Yeah, honey.
Here's a suit that he liked to wear.
I don't wear no man's suit. What do I look like to you?
You trying to give me his old clothes?
I want you to take it to the funeral home.
- Oh. - VIANNE: Do you mind?
Oh. Uh...
Okay, I guess I can take it to the funeral home.
And I want you to view the body.
Wait.
You want me to view the body?
Yes, and I don't want the kids doing it.
Okay, well, I guess I could take it on down there and view the body.
VIANNE: Just make sure he looks normal.
You remember what he looked like last time you saw him, don't you?
[Barn and Hattie exhaling]
HATTIE: Yeah. [gags]
Yeah. Yeah. [gags]
Yeah, we all remember what he look like last...
- BAM: Right, he had that... - '[gags]
We all do, honey, he had a ball lodged...
Barn! Damn, Bam. Damn, Bam, Sam. Hush.
I'm just trying to help her.
Thank you, Madea. The kids are gonna be devastated.
So we're having the funeral right away.
Yeah, they're gonna be tore up. Them kids gonna be...
- Wait, what you mean, “right away"? - In two days.
- Two days for the... - Two days?
- You gonna bury the man in two days? - Why not?
Honey, listen to me.
Black people do not bury nobody in two days. That's illegal.
It take us at least 12, 15, 35, 40 days for us to bury.
We got to wait for everybody to come from all over the country.
- That's right. - Get out of jail,
get permission from the parole board. Hell, what you talking about?
That's how we're doing it.
I mean, she's shoveling him up under the dirt quick.
Uh, baby, do you wonder what happened?
- Hattie. - What, Ma?
L's just wondering if she's wondering what happened.
Get the hell out of here. Just get on up out of here with that foolishness.
- Get out of here! Out! Out! - But...
Get on out of here. That girl wasn't wondering nothing.
You hush.
What you telling me to hush for? I'm trying to tell you something.
We not wondering what was wrong with him.
- I'm talking to you, too, Barn. Out! Out! - Because he had a ball...
- Out! - MADEA: Get on up out of here!
Bam! You know what? Get your ass up out of here too.
- Get out! - What'd I do?
Get the hell out of here. Both of y'all, go.
Wait a minute, Mabel,
you think I'm finna go back down them steps...
- Bam, come on, out! Out, out! - HATTIE: Come on!
Mabel, don't touch me with that dead man's suit!
- Out, out! - No, you come on, you don't make that...
[bickering outside]
Thank you, Madea.
- Yeah, baby, I'm... - I really appreciate you.
I'm so sorry that they're just so...
Just ignorant. Ignorant-ass people.
They don't have class like me or you.
Come downstairs and eat something.
You don't need to be sitting up here by yourself.
No, I think I need a while to myself.
Really? Oh, that's right, you wanna grieve.
You wanna be up here, crying and sad.
Yeah, that's usually how people do it. They just wanna die.
They just wanna die after somebody that they loved done went on to glory.
- And hopefully, he went to glory. - Huh?
Anyway, um, I know it's hard being married all them years, now he gone.
You know, usually, when the man dies, the woman die, after all them years,
the man or woman die right behind.
They don't stay separated too long.
You might not have too long 'cause y'all were together so many years.
But it's all right, I'm glad I could make you feel better.
- Mmm-hmm. - Amen.
This is ministry. Praise him. Hallelujah.
I know this is a sad occasion, but I'm here
and I want you to understand something.
No matter what is going on in your life,
you can always count on the Lord. Or somebody.
The Bible say, “Weeping..."
No. Sweeping. “Sweeping in the middle of the night...
will bring the dust in the morning."
I don't know, something like that, babe.
- I'm trying to comfort you, you know. - I got you. Thank you.
Yes, I want you to be...
“Yea, though she walked in the valley with the shadow of...
Little Red Riding Hood and the three bears,
she feared no evil,
'cause the three little pigs was not around.”
- Amen. - Amen.
- You gonna be all right. Okay? - Yes.
Now, you just go on and cry. Don't you let nobody tell you not to cry.
You cry, you scream, you wail, you fall out.
You just do what all black people do when somebody die.
- You just get ugly cry. - I'll see.
- Okay. - I'll see if I can.
You gonna see him again?
No, I'll see if I can cry.
- You'll see if you can. Okay. - Yes.
Yeah, but if you gonna see him again,
I hope you don't see him like the last time we saw him.
- No, I know. Mmm-mmm. - Mmm-mmm.
[gags] I'm sorry.
Every time I think about him dying, I just... [gags]
What are you doing here?
So you just gonna ignore me?
You need to go.
I wanted you all night.
Stop. Your wife is here.
I don't care about her.
You know what? I'm not...
[Gia gasps]
- A.J., I can't do this. - Tell me no.
I cannot do this!
Go! Okay? Go, now!
Get out!
[door opens]
SYLVIA: Hey!
Is Jessie in there?
No, no.
Then what you doing in there?
- I was talking to Gia. - Why?
What do you want?
Mama wants to have the funeral the day after tomorrow.
What?
I was just going around telling everyone.
Why is she rushing to bury him?
- Is that rushing? - Yeah.
Look, A.J., I don't know. Okay?
Come here.
Why you talking to Renee like that?
Don't worry about it.
Hmm.
Well, she asked me to do what I canto help y'all,
so I'mma do what I can.
That ain't no good idea.
That funeral's finna be messed up!
[snickering]
I knows about funerals. I done buried a lot of men.
A lot of them.
Now, I don't know nothing about no boujee funerals.
All I know is about black-folk funeral,
the way they used to do Negro spirituals back in the day.
Everybody'd sing a hymn, and then they departed.
I hope y'all can appreciate what I'mma try to do.
And if you need anything, just let us know.
Money. She gonna need some money.
She always need some money.
'Cause none of this is free. [chuckles]
Now, I'll need a coordinating fee for the funeral
and the coordinator usually gets 75% of what the casket costs.
- SYLVIA: We'll work it out. - Okay, great. Thank you.
Could you let us know why she's burying him so fast?
Um...
I believe I know why she's trying to bury him so quick.
She can't stand his ass.
Child, I don't know. I've been wondering the same damn thing.
Black people don't bury nobody this quick.
If a woman don't like the man, she can't wait to get him in the ground.
Either that or his insurance.
But I guess you got to ask her, 'cause I don't know.
Okay, I will.
- Yo, can I smoke weed up in here? - CAROL: No. No way. Mmm-mmm.
Oh, excuse me. Oh, boujee.
- Can't smoke no weed up in this... - BAM: Joe!
Baby, can I talk to you for a second?
Hey, you wanna talk to me, I'll go talk to you. [chuckles]
I think it's a private situation because she whispered it to you.
- Did you ever think about that? - MADEA: Barn, will you hush your mouth?
That's them people talking.
She said, “Can I talk to you for a second?"
He said, “Well, what do you wanna talk to me about?” She said...
- Bam, hush! - She just froze.
Bam, that's why I don't mess with you.
You just don't know how to keep your mouth closed at the right time.
If it's private, why would you say it in front of the public
- in front of everybody? - He the one won't go.
Yeah, that kid won't get up. Get on up!
Baby, please.
BARN: “Baby, baby, baby, please.”
Mmm-hmm. She got to say “please.”
- Go on up there and see what that girl... - Get on up there.
[slap]
JOE: I tell you what. She wouldn't have to beg me.
Hell, with an ass like that, I'd be running after her.
- He got on too much perfume. - Way too much of it.
- Much too much perfume to have on. - BAM: Perfume.
[Joe laughing]
BARN: Joe!
That girl fine, too, there. That's nice, too.
I don't know. [coughing]
Bam.
[sniffs]
Mabel. [sniffs]
- BAM: Mmm-hmm! - JOE: Hey.
She...
Psst! Heathrow. I believe the old hos has figured it out.
[Madea and Bam sniffing]
- BAM: Yeah. - Ain't that the same?
That's the same damn perfume, Mabel.
- You know exactly what that mean. - Wait, ain't it...
That means shut your mouth! That's what that mean.
Mabel. Ain't he married to the one that went up...
Hush! And engaged to the brother...
You know what? I'm not finna deal with this.
I'm not finna deal with this at all. Oh, hell, no!
It took y'all long enough. Hell, that's just...
See, I'm a player from back in the day.
I figured it out.
I know what's happening right when it's happening.
- [mouthing] - BAM: Heathrow.
What the hell y'all talking about?
ELECTRONIC VOICE: You smell that, too?
I'm surprised you can smell anything
with your damn throat with the hole at the bottom of it.
I still got a nose.
I told you years ago, stop all that damn smoking.
But you wanna smoke 52 packs a day.
Now look at you. You got a hole in the bottom of your throat.
I don't know what you're talking about.
I wanna know why his ho smell like his bro.
- [laughing] - Heathrow, don't you say nothing to them!
Right. Right.
This one smelling like that one.
That one smelling like this one.
But in a minute, all these hos here gonna be smelling like Joe.
Now, listen. Vianne asked me to come over here and help with this funeral
and that's just what I'm gonna do.
Y'all need to stop all this foolishness.
Stop it right now, and I mean it!
I done been known to take young hos before.
I can help you with that.
Now, come on. I done put the suit in the car.
We're gonna bring it over to the funeral. Gonna get all this straightened.
Why the hell they sending y'all somewhere?
To help with the funeral. Who else gonna do it?
Hell, a professional. What the hell is sending you...
No, two girls and a dude.
Joe, have you not been sitting here
listening to what the hell we just said? They said...
Come on here, come on.
Don't y'all say nothing, you hear me? Nothing!
- BAM: Now, listen up. - This about to be a mess.
- A damn mess. - BAM: You the mess!
- MADEA: Come on. Come on, Bam. - Go ahead on, Mabel. Shotgun!
[sighs]
Are you okay?
Yeah, what's up?
You tell me.
What're you talking about?
Somethings been off with us lately.
Could you just tell me what's wrong?
There's nothing wrong.
You act like you can't stand me sometimes.
[sighs] That's not it.
Uh, I'm just...
What? So what is it?
Look, my daddy just died. You can't seem to understand that.
I'm sorry.
[door closes]
Hey, A.J., I need to talk to you.
Not right now.
[door closes]
Hey, babe.
Baby, um...
[sighs] I don't know how to say this.
What is it?
I think A.J. and Gia are...
- What? - I don't know, but he smells like her,
and I saw him coming out of her room.
- Where was Jessie? - Not here.
- Damn. - Can you talk to them for me?
Yeah.
I don't want this to turn into a big mess, okay?
Don't worry about it. I'll talk to 'em.
Okay. All right. Thank you.
I'm so glad I can count on you.
You always can.
Yeah, thank you.
[classical music playing]
HATTIE: Dang! You work quick.
[speaking slowly] Miss Vianne said that we wanted it done quickly.
Do you do everything quickly?
Hattie, hush!
I only speak slowly. I'm actually pretty quick. [clicks tongue]
Ooh. That's good. [clicks tongue]
[chuckles]
- He really kind of creepy, Mabel. - Yes, he is.
[giggles] I know him creepy, but damn!
We have him in the suit you brought over.
This is our least expensive casket.
Wait, you finna open that?
Give us some warning before you just open it up.
We sent all the information over to Vianne.
- Are you ready? - Um...
Yes. If you gonna open it, go on. Open it.
- Slow! - [Bam exclaims]
MADEA: He smiling.
- Huh. - What do you think?
He actually look pretty good.
BARN: He was a fine man.
MADEA: He don't look bad.
Yeah, worked out all the time,
- ain't eatin' nothing but salads. - Maybe that's right.
And green drinks and stuff like that.
He done got dead now, Mabel. [chuckles]
MADEA: Didn't eat no pork.
And look at him, we done outlived him.
Laying there dead, and we still alive, still kicking.
That pork got us kicking, though!
Bacon ain't never hurt nobody!
HATTIE: Better get you a slab! Too late now, though.
MADEA: Baby, Why he smiling?
Y'all put the smile on his face?
He seemed like he was a happy man in his final moments.
It stuck.
- Oh, okay. [chuckles] - What?
UNDERTAKER: Are you satisfied?
Yes, we're very satisfied. He looks fine.
But he ain't.
No, he's not satisfied.
- [thud] - [women gasp]
- Mother... - UNDERTAKER: Hmm.
- We're sorry. - Mmm-hmm.
Apparently, he was taking some sort of stimulant.
We're having some trouble keeping the thing... it... down.
MADEA: What is “it”? What you talking about?
- The lid on the casket or his... - UNDERTAKER: Mmm. Mmm-hmm.
Move.
- It's still up. - [slams lid]
Mmm.
And it's still working?
It's probably what killed him.
- [slams lid] - Wait a minute. This thing won't close?
Mmm-mmm...
[lid slams repeatedly]
It's like a pinball machine! [laughs]
[lid slams shut]
Okay, just try to tape it down or something,
'cause we don't want this thing opening like a...
Popping... Popping...
Popping up like that in the funeral.
Okay? What can you do?
We could remove it, if you like.
- You mean... [imitates slashing] - UNDERTAKER: Hmm.
Oh, no. We ain't finna let you do that.
No, we ain't gonna Lorena Bobbitt him.
That don't seem right. Going into heaven without your stuff.
Hey.
You good, man?
I will, once I get home.
Yeah.
I know this is hard for you.
No, what's hard for me is Carol.
I wanted to talk to you about that.
What? She sent you down here to talk to me?
No. Sylvia did.
What?
She wanted me to talk to you about Gia.
What about Gia?
Anything going on there?
Come on, what?
She saw you in her room, and...
Oh, man, go on with that.
- You sure? - Yeah, don't ask me that.
Okay.
Then you might wanna start showering more, because you smell like her.
She hugged me.
Y'all serious?
- That's my brother's girlfriend. - Fiancée.
Yeah, that, too. Look...
Y'all just go in there, do y'all thing, man.
Sylvia's just tripping.
Now, if you don't mind...
I have to figure out how to help my mama with this funeral, all right?
Okay.
Hey.
You okay?
He acts like he hates me.
I'm sorry.
- I just wanna know the truth. - Look...
Our dad did just die suddenly.
This has been going on for months before he died.
I don't get it.
Just keep it together. Okay?
You'll be fine.
- [church bells toll] - [organ playing]
CHOIR: ♪ Down by the riverside ♪
♪ Down by the riverside ♪
- ♪ Down by the riverside ♪ - HEATHROW: ♪ By the riverside ♪
♪ Down by the riverside ♪
Shh!
I think you might wanna be quiet.
Turn your battery off, son. Turn your battery off.
♪ Study war no more ♪
All right, thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
♪ Study... ♪
Thank you.
I wish that dude would sit down.
♪ Study... ♪
They're working on my nerves.
Do you see how long this program is?
♪ Study... ♪
We finna be up in here all night, Heathrow.
- How I get them to stop? - BAM: Cut them off.
- ♪ War ♪ - CHOIR DIRECTOR: ♪ No war! ♪
How many times they gonna say “war"?
Because I'm having flashbacks of being in the war.
♪ War! War! ♪
- That's it, hey. Hey, hey. Hey, thank you. - [music stops]
Sit down. Thank you.
[heavy sigh]
Uh, they asked me to be the minister of service.
She ain't been to church in years.
First, give an honor to Popeyes and, um, all the chicken that I like.
ALL: Amen.
ELECTRONIC VOICE: Amen.
I wanna say, thank y'all so much
for having me here as your mistress of service
as we come for this auconspicious occasion.
Who gonna read the obituary?
Daddy. Shh.
I want you to know this is our program.
It's really thick.
Really thick.
ELECTRONIC VOICE: How long is this service gonna be?
So we want everybody to be limited who come up here to two minutes.
Two minutes, please.
Don't sing long as... he... he... heaven like they just did. Please.
First, I would like to start off with this for Anthony and for the family.
[clears throat]
No, I'm just playing. That ain't even appropriate for this funeral. Okay.
ELECTRONIC VOICE: Madea, I wanna say something.
Heathrow.
They can't hear me. I guess it's not loud enough.
That thing don't go up. It's all one volume.
I'm so disappointed.
- BAM: Why, baby, why? - MADEA: Okay.
'Cause his legs ain't fine and sexy like they used to be.
MADEA: First, we gonna have...
Hush, Hattie.
MADEA: ...reading from our pastor.
Then we gonna have the reading of the New Testimony,
then we have the reading of the Old Testimony.
Hey. Check her out.
Before the night is over, I'm getting that.
[Madea in background]
I wish I still had my legs, I would help you.
MADEA: Then we gonna have a word from the father...
How you doing, babe?
- Fine, how're you doing? - [Joe chuckling]
She can play hard to get if she want to.
MADEA: Then we gonna have words from his sister.
Yup.
I know it's hard for you because your husband is dead.
I mean, dead. He ain't coming back no more.
He ain't gonna study war no more.
Then we gonna have word from his Aunt Shirleen. I saw her here.
Hey, baby, I ain't seen you since around the way. How you doing?
[voice breaking] I'm barely holding up. It's hard for me.
It's hard having a loss in the family.
You gonna be all right, Shirleen. Good to see you over there.
Then we. Gonna have a song, a A, and a B, and a C, and a D,
and an F, and a G, and all,
and a J, K, I, M, N, O, P from the choir.
[sighs]
That's just the first page.
I've looked through all 85 pages of this program
and your name ain't on it, Heathrow.
Better my name be on the program than my name be on the cover.
Then I'm going to read a poem that was written by Maya Angelou.
It's called [as Maya Angelou] “The Rock, the Tree, and the River.”
She knows she's finna burn up in hell up there.
MADEA: We would like to acknowledge all of y'all for being here
'cause y'all so special.
But we just want the family on this side, okay?
So if you just a friend of his or you just knowed him,
I want you to please come to this side of the room.
- Please. - [all murmuring]
- [murmuring] - [Joe exclaiming]
Look at them. Look at them. Look at them.
Oh! Excuse me. [chuckling] I got you.
- WOMAN: Stop! Move. - Sorry. All right, all right.
All right, all right.
- Look at that tattoo. - BAM: What that say?
You see that tattoo?
Joanne! What is you doing up in here?
You trying to scam somebody?
No, child.
Please, this is not a Caucasian funeral.
Would you mind leaving? Please. Step. 'Tep.
Watch your purses and your wallet. Joanne's a scammer.
[Joe exclaims]
[laughing]
JOE: You know you want me.
She all up on me.
Ain't nobody on this side but dudes.
Anthony was the man.
Anthony was the [electronic drone] man.
Sorry, Vianne, I'm trying to whisper.
Okay, first, we're gonna have words from a son-in-law.
Well, it's a sad occasion.
- [watch beeping] - We've lost a patriarch here, and, uh...
CHOIR DIRECTOR: ♪ God has been good to me ♪
♪ He's been so good to me, to me, to me ♪
- [all applauding] - ♪ He dried all of my tears away ♪
♪ So instead of complaining I just lift my hands and I say ♪
- ♪ Thank you, Lord! ♪ - ALL: Thank you, Lord!
♪ Thank you, Lord! ♪
Hey! Hey! Hey!
Two minutes. Sit down. The Lord heard you.
Two minutes. Thank you, Lord. Two minutes.
- CHOIR DIRECTOR: ♪ Thank you, Lord ♪ - [women exclaim]
Brother Anthony, he was a good man.
He was a strong man.
He owed me $5.
You ain't never gonna get that, I'm telling you.
'Cause they got all the money. I'm looking at where all the money done went.
If you knew Anthony, raise your hand.
Okay. If you knew Anthony personally, raise your hand.
Mom, who are these people?
MADEA: If you knew Anthony like they say in the Bible, biblically, raise your hand.
Oh, hell, no.
Well, hopefully, when I see him on the other side...
- MADEA: Yeah! - ...he got a little change left for me.
- ALL: Amen. - MADEA: Amen.
Amen. Is it time to go?
How long we got to be up in here, Barn?
Joe, hush.
Lord! We need you to come down at this time
and grasp the family, if you will.
- They are in trouble right now. - [mouthing]
Put your hands around them and hold them tight.
Because they've been through so many changes.
CHOIR: ♪ I'll fly away ♪
♪ To a home on God's celestial shore ♪
- Mama ain't cried one tear. - Maybe she's in shock.
Y'all know Mama's strong.
We just got to watch her and make sure she's okay.
- Yeah, she is. - [sighs]
[choir continues singing]
I just wanna say to the bereaved, it's gonna be all right.
You'll see him on the other side.
On which side, I don't know which side,
but you know I seen him on the other side the other week,
I won't kid you not.
Because he come up dead this week.
But last week, I seen him on the other side over there.
[tuneless] ♪ Oh, Lord, I just wanna thank you ♪
[Joe scatting]
♪ I wanna thank you ♪
♪ For being so good to me ♪
Thank you!
♪ So good to me! ♪
- Yes! - Okay, thank you. Two minutes.
- Damn, Ma! - Two minutes. Thank you.
HATTIE: You can't cut people short like that.
Two minutes. Thank you. Two minutes.
I got to go to the bathroom. I'll be back.
MADEA: Come on, Barn. Come on, Barn.
[wheelchair beeping]
First, giving honor and glory to God, who's the head of my life.
ATTENDEES: Amen.
I just wanna say God is good.
- ATTENDEES: Yeah. - [bang]
[Heathrow grunts] Ouch. That hurt like hell.
Ain't nobody trying to help me go to the bathroom.
Family, do all you can do.
ATTENDEES: Yeah.
After you done done all you can do, that's all you can do.
HEATHROW: Can a player get some help to the toilet?
Because you done done all you could do.
HEATHROW: Can a player get some help holding it?
And then after you've done that, you can't do no more.
'Cause you done done it.
You did all you could do.
- [clears throat] - MADEA: That was deep.
Thank you, Barn. Come on, sit down.
I feel a song, though, Mabel, in my spirit.
- S And when He looks at me a' Come on down.
- ♪ He sees ♪ - MADEA: Yeah, two minutes.
- Two minutes. - ♪ He sees His Holy Spirit... ♪
MADEA: Come on, Shirleen. Come on up here.
Come on, let the Lord use you.
- HATTIE: Get up, Joe. - Daddy.
This service taking too long!
HATTIE: You can't take him nowhere.
SHIRLEEN: Amen, church.
- MADEA: Amen. - ALL: Amen.
SHIRLEEN: I send my condolences to the family.
Losing your son ain't ever easy.
I'mma sing a song I wrote. You don't mind, do you?
Yeah, go on, sing the song.
[bluesy singing] ♪ I know you sitting next to Jesus ♪
♪ You got your robe ♪
[suddenly much louder] ♪ Don't worry about what they say ♪
♪ You got your robe ♪
♪ You had 10,000 women ♪
How long is this woman gonna sing this song?
I don't know, but she need to sit down and shut up!
[sings dramatically] ♪ And it's all right ♪
♪ You got your robe ♪
God said, “Shirleen, write this song and give it to the family.”
[singsong] Because people done spit on the man's name!
They done shamed him.
And these women who came in here
in front of this man's poor wife.
He got his robe. It don't matter what the haters say.
He got his robe. [shrieks] He got his robe!
The man is dead. He ain't coming back.
Why they making all this noise up in here?
When was the last time you were in church?
You remember that time me and you was under them pews?
- That was the last time? - Mmm-hmm.
And I never went back.
MADEA: Now we getting ready to view the body.
The family's gonna go last
and all of y'all people that didn't know him or didn't wash your hands,
please be careful.
Don't touch the man.
Don't pull him up out the casket.
Can you let me sing?
I was in the band with Rick James.
Can I sing “She's a Super Freak“?
Maybe that's not appropriate.
Okay.
Shirleen, you blessed my soul just then.
You really did. You really did.
We are very happy that he is, uh, with the Lord.
- [snoring] - That's right, with the Lord.
[loudly] Mr. Pallbearers! Take the flowers off the casket.
Don't tear up the flowers, they wasn't cheap.
Before y'all all rush up here to say your goodbyes and your condolences...
Ugh. I wish that dude would shut up.
We just want y'all to respect the family and I want y'all to respect his wife.
This is a church. I don't mind busting you in your face.
Lord, ask Jesus to forgive me.
If you come up here with that bull...
- [bang] - [all gasping]
[gasps, feedback]
Okay, funeral over. Everybody go. Whoo.
Help me, Jesus! Help me, Jesus! Help me, Jesus!
[clamor]
Mama, why do we all have to be here?
VIANNE: It's a repass, son. For your father. Okay?
You sure don't seem too upset.
Have you been drinking?
Well...
Look, just let her do it the way she want to, okay?
Come on, Mama.
- It was a nice service. - Yes, it was. I did good.
It was lovely. It was really lovely. Uh-huh.
It was quick, is what it was.
Lickety-split. We was in, and we was out.
I don't know why you think that was quick. That was long as hell.
That service was so long, I was sitting there watching my toenails grow.
You must've got them there on that discount plan. You got them the hookup?
I ain't get no damn hookup. Yeah, that bill was high as hell.
Did he say he sent it you? Did he send it to you?
I got it. It's right over there. On the lamp.
What? It cost this much to bury him?
[mumbles]
Good God! That's how much that funeral cost, $9,000?
HEATHROW: We should've buried his ass in a box
and put him up under the ground.
People think folk be crying 'cause of the dead.
They crying 'cause their funeral bill is $9,000!
Do you know how much ass I could get for 9,670-something dollars?
And y'all spending it on a dead man?
Gonna bury that man for 9,000 damn dollars.
That's a damn shame.
I'll remember that when you die.
I get a state funeral. I'm a war hero.
You ain't no war hero.
He said that's how he lost his legs.
That is exactly how I lost my legs.
You know how he lost his damn legs?
He messed around with some gangster's wife and they got them legs off of you!
Bet you gonna learn next time. [imitates chopping]
You just gonna tell all a player's secrets?
Player, you ain't got no secret.
All them damn medals, you done got from the Wal-Mart.
Tell the truth, you lost them legs 'cause you are diabetical.
And everything that they started adding up in them diabeticals
led you to lose your legs. That's what's wrong.
You better stop all that damn smoking.
If you stop that damn smoking, then you'll be in good shape.
VIANNE: We don't smoke in here.
Boujee ass. “We don't smoke in the house.”
Mama, the funeral was very nice.
- That funeral was lovely. It was lovely. - Yeah, Mama. It was.
You doing okay?
I'll be fine, now that this funeral is over.
The man just died two days ago
and you already done shoved him up under the dirt.
My cousin died three years ago, they still ain't buried him.
They still ain't buried Jerome?
- Why? - JOE: Because they don't have the money.
Funeral was about $485, so the whole family, all 75 of us,
chipped in trying to pay it.
And we all give a little money at a time to bury him,
but one day we gonna get him buried. But he just laying there...
He worm meat right now, but black folk, no.
We got to put the body on layaway.
When white people die, know what they do?
They walk up in there, they put the white people there, they say,
“Thank you for being here. My white daddy died,
and I want all the white people to say, 'Amen, God bless.”'
And then all the white people get up, and they leave. That's it.
Funeral gone. In the ground. White man dead.
When my Chinese friend died from Korea,
they put him in a box and put some rice in it
and sent him down the Vietnam River.
That was when I was in the war in Iraq.
That's right. I seen a Chinese man from Korea, they buried him.
Quick. It was over.
Jewish men, you know what they do?
At sundown, everybody got to be in the ground.
- Please don't forget the wake. - I don't know why they call it a wake.
He dead. Ain't no need to wake his ass up.
JOE: That's why that bill was $9,000, 'cause you had a wake.
Should've had no wake, but then had the funeral,
dropped his ass in the dirt, put the dirt on,
everything over, God bless, benediction,
“May the Lord watch between me and thee," everybody go.
Right. It's a “dead."
No, a wake is...
Our ancestors started it. All of the ancestors...
Barn, you are our ancestor from Africa. Please be quiet. Please!
Mabel, I'm just trying to tell you how Frederick Douglass...
well, Harriet Tubman, really...
Listen, I know you knew all them people. Hush your damn mouth.
My bladder is too weak to be sitting around at a funeral
looking at a dead man with a dead bladder.
That's just what the hell I've been doing
sitting here looking at a dead man all this time.
- Dead man rolling. - [laughter]
VIANNE: Stop it now, y'all.
Have some respect. He just died.
What the hell you think we're doing? We sitting here showing him some respect.
That's what I'm doing, talking about him. That's respect.
I'm sorry, did that hurt your feelings? The man was dead.
We didn't have to be there that long.
Y'all ought to be ashamed of yourself.
That is torture to a corpse.
Okay, you two, stop it. Stop it right now.
You don't tell me what...
[mouthing]
Joe and Heathrow, shut your damn mouth.
- BAM: Mabel! - What?
His sound don't come from his mouth, honey.
Well, I'm getting ready to plug that hole up so he can shut the hell up.
That's where it comes from. That hole in his throat.
- [feedback] - [mouthing]
Spare.
Vianne, you done bought him two of them damn things? Why would you buy him two?
Mmm-mmm. I didn't do that.
I wish you would shut your hole up.
- Oh! - Let me tell you something.
I'm gonna plug that hole... I'm gonna... I'm gonna plug... I'm gonna plug that hole.
Say one more thing, okay? Shut your mouth before I take that one tooth
you got left up in your throat.
[feed back]
You will not sit here and threaten my tooth.
That's all I have left, is that one good tooth up top.
You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna give you a Cheerio,
so you can put that on the tooth like some braces.
Say one more thing!
Get him some cotton candy. [laughs]
Yeah, give him a corn on the cob.
- He'll be able to just go down one row. - [laughter]
Stop it now, y'all. Stop it. That's enough.
You wanna mess him up, give him a Cap'n Crunch.
[laughter]
I'll give him a Rice Krispies Treat.
[laughter]
Somebody better get my rifle.
I see a enemy target at six-hundred-oh-thirty-four hours.
- VIANNE: Stop it! - I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
HATTIE: Babe, you all right?
I sure know how it feel to lose somebody.
- Hattie. - What, Ma? I do.
I'll never forget I buried my last... first three husbands.
MADEA: Hattie.
I was devastation, Ma, I was just devastation.
You talk about devastation, try to have sex with her.
- Renee. - Yeah?
Thank you for coming. You're always here.
I always will be.
- She don't need to be here. - Give me that.
- A.J.: Don't touch me. - You don't need to be drinking.
You don't need to be nagging me.
- What is wrong with you? - That's what the hell I want to know, son.
Take some of that tone out of your voice, talking to that woman like that.
I'm not gonna sit here and let that happen.
Mama, he all right.
Uh-oh.
Come on, baby, let's go upstairs.
- A.J.: Why you running? - A.J. Go sleep it off.
Yeah. That's what he liked to do.
Sleep it off and on. Ain't that right, Renee?
Is it something you're trying to say, A.J.?
No.
Are you sure?
- A.J.: No, ma'am. - CAROL: What's going on?
'Cause I ain't got time to be bothered with this
and you and your foolishness.
- Why is it always me? - 'Cause it is.
You're just like your daddy.
I ain't nothing like him.
I'm not gonna argue with you.
Hey, I know you're not just gonna sit there.
Aren't you gonna say something?
What the hell you asking me for?
I ain't got nothing to say here. I'm finna watch this.
Too many secrets need to come on out.
Yeah, I wish we had some popcorn.
Come on. Vianne, let's go upstairs. We ain't got to deal with all this drama.
I'm sick of this!
You help her like you helped my daddy in that hotel room.
- [breathes shakily] - Yeah, they was in that hotel.
That's how he died.
She was with him.
Ooh-ooh.
Mama, look, that's the truth. I'm sorry.
But it is.
Is he telling the truth?
Yeah.
Ah. Fix it, Jesus.
You need to leave.
[exhales sharply]
Yeah, you right. I'll go.
But why don't you ask him why he was at the hotel, too, huh?
Uh-oh. I believe it done hit the fan.
- BAM: Yeah. - He ain't even cold yet.
And you need to stop messing around with Gia.
- There it is. - GIA: What?
Since we putting it all out there, you wanna tell the whole family
that you and A.J. was at the same hotel as me and Anthony?
What're you talking about?
Oh.
Sweetie, don't lie.
See, 'cause that just makes it worse.
- What? - Oh. Oh, yeah, Jessie.
See, they were in the same hotel room together
in the room right next to us. That's how they heard us.
- Now it's all out there. - You need to get the hell out of here now.
- Just go. - [sarcastic sigh]
I'll go.
But I told you.
I'm not the one to be played with.
Gia?
Baby, it's not what you think.
Okay. Come on. We need to talk.
Now!
What the hell you looking at him for?
[Gia sighs]
- Let's go! - Hey! Hey!
What? Huh? What you got to say to me?
Say something.
With your trifling ass.
- Don't put your hands on her like that. - Stop it, A.J. Stop it!
Let's go, babe. Let's go talk, come on!
Yeah, yeah. Go ahead.
Say something. With your weak ass.
Mmm-hmm. Like I thought.
Just like your daddy and your mama.
- VIANNE: Stop it now. Stop it right now! - Come on!
- Hey, cut it out, guys. - Brian, shut up, bitch. Shut up.
You sleeping with him?
I'm sorry.
Stop it, and stop it now.
- Hey. Stop it, guys. - You all wanna fight like animals.
You just gonna let her walk out of here like that, Mama?
You're so damn weak.
So you think I'm weak?
Mama, he's drunk.
No, that's what he said.
Thinks I'm weak for staying with his daddy.
Sometimes, I thought so too.
The first time he cheated,
I walked out on him. Left him.
He begged me to come back.
I was filled with a weakness...
something y'all don't know about,
called love.
So I went back to him.
Even then, he didn't stop cheating.
He just got better at hiding it.
The second time he cheated...
I left him again.
Y'all were six and four.
And you were on the way.
What was I supposed to do?
I didn't have no life skills.
I went from my mama's house and moved straight into his.
But I left him.
- Wow. - VIANNE: Walked right on out.
Got me an apartment and a job,
working as a secretary with no degree.
And I had to leave y'all with my crazy-ass family.
After a while, I didn't know who I was leaving y'all with.
I couldn't protect you and work at the same time...
and he knew it.
He was an arrogant son of a bitch.
This time, he didn't beg me to come back.
I had to make some choices.
When he found me sitting on the doorstep at his job...
[sniffs]
...he asked me if I had learned my lesson.
I swallowed my pride and said yes.
He said, "I'll pick up you and the kids."
It was two more weeks before he came back to get us.
You say I'm weak.
I say I'm strong.
'Cause I spent years smiling and grinning...
when I hated his damn guts!
He never stopped cheating.
He was a whore, and that's what he did.
But I kept my damn mouth shut
so he would take care of you.
So, forgive me
if I didn't do it your 21st-century way.
With all your options.
- Mama. - VIANNE: No, “Mama" nothing.
You're just like him.
You got a good woman, and you won't stop whoring around on her.
No, Mama.
VIANNE: No.
You hate. You rebel.
You won't do right.
Now, Carol, you got options.
No kids and daddy's money.
If I was in your position...
I'd leave this boy until he found out what the hell a man is.
And, Jessie, you wanted your daddy's attention so much,
you found a woman just like him.
Mama, I'm sorry.
No. Don't be sorry.
I'm all right.
I promise you.
Now that your daddy's gone,
I'm gonna live for me.
Y'all are grown.
It's my time now.
[indistinct chatter]
MADEA: Let's go on in the house.
People in these nice neighborhoods, they don't care.
Don't tell me nothing. I'm going in here, and I'm gonna sit down.
I ain't got nothing to say.
- That's exactly what you need to do. - Mabel?
- Huh? - Leave me alone.
Still got that funeral smell.
It sure do. Hey, honey, how you doing?
- Hi. - Y'all still here?
I thought you'd be gone after all of that.
Yeah, we're... We're leaving today.
You all right? Sit down, sit down, sit down.
How things go with y'all?
I'm just waiting for A.J. to get up. I wanna talk to him.
What you mean, “to get up"?
He's asleep after all of this? What you wanna talk about?
I wanna leave him.
Then that's what you should do. She should walk on out on his ass.
That's it. What you do.
But that's gonna hurt like hell. I don't...
Baby, just 'cause something hurt like hell don't mean you ain't supposed to do it.
Sometimes, you got to go through the hurt
and the pain, and the suffering, or whatever the hell,
to get away from somebody that ain't treating you right.
Take some time for yourself.
Get away from the situation and really think about it, pray about it,
talk to God, and see what it is.
Lot of folk run out on marriages too quick
just 'cause somebody messed around and cheated.
Now, I'm not saying stay with somebody that's cheating. [stammers]
What I'm telling you is this, sometimes people leave too early.
Take your time, try to figure out what's going on first.
CAROL: Well, what if he does... What if he does it again?
You can't just sit there and let that happen over and over again.
Make him respect you.
- I can see if you was ugly... - HATTIE: Mmm-hmm.
...but you ain't even ugly.
- No, she ain't ugly. She's a pretty girl. - You a pretty girl.
Sometime ugly women have to sit there and deal with that,
- but not a pretty woman. - BAM: They do.
Not with a ass like yours. Did you see this ass?
I've never dealt with nothing because of this ass right here.
- Do you understand? - HATTIE: Mmm-hmm.
- You got to make him respect you. - That's right.
When you got a ass, you make him respect you.
So this is what you need to do. If you wanna be with the man, fine.
That's your choice, your call. Y'all figure it out.
But you got to set up some rules.
You tell him, “Look, if you break these rules, I'mma break your neck."
If you can't break his neck, hire somebody.
Look, $25. I got him.
That sounds like we're playing a game, and I don't wanna play games with him.
MADEA: It's not a game. It's life.
When somebody do something to you that ain't right,
that hurts your feelings, that makes you feel really bad,
what you have to do is straighten that out.
That ain't no game. You understand?
ALL: Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm. Mmm. Mmm.
BARN: Good morning, there.
- HATTIE: Good morning. - Good morning.
You bashing me, too?
Oh, did he say he wanna be bashed?
That's exactly what it sounded like he said.
I know you ain't walking up on me. You better back up and sit down, son,
'cause I will knock your... [stammers]
“Am I bashing you, too?“
I'm trying to help your ignorant ass.
[sighs] Oh, yeah?
- I already feel like hell. - MADEA: You feel like hell?
What the hell you think you done did to her? You ought to feel like dung.
Dumping this woman out when she done been good to you.
Look, baby, I am so sorry.
Watch this. Let me tell you what he gonna say.
“I don't even know why I was with her."
I don't know why I was with her. I'm... I'm sorry.
Then he gonna say, “I'm just tired."
You know? I'm just tired.
Then he gonna say, “I apologize, baby."
Baby, you know I'm sorry.
MADEA: “It'll never happen again.”
And I'll never do it again.
- You the only one for me. - MADEA: “You the only one for me.”
- Baby, I love you. - MADEA: “Baby, I love you."
- Baby, I'd be lost without you. - MADEA: “I'd be lost without you.”
Boy, let me ask you something. You know how many women done heard this before?
Cleopatra heard this.
Harriet Tubman heard it, Rosa Parks, everybody heard this.
Mary and Martha, they all heard the same lines.
Son, you wanna be with this woman?
- Watch, he'll say, “I do." - I do.
MADEA: Mmm-hmm. I know. Do you love her?
Yes.
Then why are you cheating on me?
Is there something that I could do? Do you want me to...
to be a better person? Is there...
No, honey. No. No.
- BAM: Uh-uh. - Did she just say that?
- She did.
When he walk up out of this house, he gonna do what he wanna do,
the way he wanna do it. That ain't got nothing to do with you.
Marriage is just a contract between two people.
Y'all supposed to do everything in the contract about them vows.
If you don't do it, you broke the deal.
So he broke the deal.
I don't know why you would stay with him.
You need to walk the hell on up out on him.
- No. Don't tell her that. - What you mean, “Don't tell her that”?
Hell, you broke the deal, didn't you?
Yeah, but that don't necessarily mean I want her to go.
Let me make sure I understand this.
So you wanna cheat on her, you wanna dog her out,
you wanna talk to her like she ain't nothing, but you don't want her to go.
Something is wrong with you, boy.
- [Hattie laughs] - Do y'all wanna stay together?
Yes.
- You gonna try to do better? - Yes, I swear I'll change.
You gonna stop lying?
Yes.
First thing you ought to do is get some counseling.
You need some separate counseling 'cause you got anger issues.
And I used to be really angry, but now I'm so much better.
The only time I punch a bitch in the face
is if she say something to me I don't like.
So I'm so much better than what I was.
Get some counseling, all right?
Then y'all get some counseling together to work on this marriage.
Baby.
I'm so sorry.
Yeah.
Until you can learn to respect me and yourself...
I got to go.
I can't do this anymore.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
You gonna leave me?
I'm sorry.
Come on, baby.
I'm sorry.
- Good morning! - Good morning.
- WILL: Hey. - Good morning.
- Well, we'll see y'all. - SYLVIA: Has Mama been down?
No, she hasn't.
How you holding up?
Not great.
But I'll be all right.
Yeah. I know. It's been a mess. I'm so sorry.
- JESSIE: Hey. - BAM: Good morning.
- Good morning to you. - Good morning.
So good to see all of y'all.
Truly, honestly. But don't call me unless somebody die, okay?
Damn, boy, come back here. That's your family.
Jessie!
You ain't got nothing to say to me, man.
Just hear him out, okay?
I'm sorry, man.
- Yeah. - A.J.: Really.
I was tipsy last night, and I didn't really mean none of that.
I'm sorry I messed around with her.
I'm sorry I was lying to you.
It's coming from the heart, man. I'm really sorry.
No, you sorry you got caught.
Look, it's really all I can say.
Yeah. You right about that.
That's all you can say.
MADEA: Look, son. You can't choose your family.
If I could choose my family, none of them would be in my life.
Family is all you got.
Even if you can't stand them. So y'all try to work this out.
He gonna get some counseling, he gonna get some help.
Listen, just keep your women away from him.
Don't ever bring a woman around him.
Unless she toe-up.
You wanna really get him, get you a toe-up woman
and bring her around him
and keep your nice, fine, sexy woman like me hidden.
Hattie, you bring around.
But me, you keep hidden, you understand?
Tall and sexy.
At least say bye to Mama.
Where's she at anyway?
We're waiting for her to come down.
Look, um, I'll make us some breakfast, okay?
Girl, hush! Hell, nobody wanna eat no food right now. We mad.
Carol. You still here?
Not for long.
MADEA: Look here. I'm glad he trying to apologize, baby.
Even if you can't hear it right now,
at least you can take that apology,
put it somewhere in your pocket,
maybe one day it'll make some sense to you.
But until then, may not be nothing you can do.
'Cause I'mma tell you right now.
You're just like your daddy
and if you don't wanna be like him, you can change.
Just 'cause your daddy did it, don't mean you got to do it, too. Change.
People be lying to themselves and lying to God too.
Start with you, working on you.
Telling the truth to yourself.
I don't wanna be this guy. I don't wanna be my father.
Your daddy was something else.
If he was here, you know what he probably be saying right now?
- BAM: What? - [cell phone vibrating]
- What the hell? - Wait, what?
- WILL: It's your dad. - SYLVIA: What?
How the hell he calling here?
Oh, you've got to be kidding me.
Mmm-mmm. He calling from hell.
Don't answer that, boy! That's God, don't! [speaks in tongues]
- Okay. - What happened'?
What'd he say? Did he say he was in hell?
You know Mama and Daddy got the same phone.
- She at the door. - Oh.
- Why the hell she ain't knock? - BAM: That what I said.
- [scoffs] - VIANNE: I'll be just a second.
- Well, you all still here. - Who that out there?
VIANNE: Thought you were gone.
Since you still here, y'all gonna get a eyeful.
MADEA: Oh-oh.
Um, Mama, who is that?
The man that should've been your daddy.
- Ooh. - MADEA: Ooh!
SYLVIA: What?
Mama, where you been?
I think you call it ho-ing.
Why is he still sitting out there?
He is taking me to Vegas for the weekend.
Oh, no, Mama.
You are not about to go to Vegas with some strange man you just met.
[laughs] I know the pot ain't talking about the kettle.
Mama!
I don't believe he's no stranger.
I think they ain't just met last night. [laughs]
I believe that's been going on for a while.
I just came by to get my phone.
And this.
And what is that?
It's called a ho bag.
I know what that is.
- Toothbrush... - HATTIE: Mmm-hmm.
...and a little bit of floss,
and I'm not talking about the kind you put in your teeth. [laughs]
It has all the equipment for an overnight stay.
Started to take it last night, but I didn't wanna seem desperate.
Oh. Mama.
Don't make him think you a ho until it's time for you to be one.
I don't care what y'all dealing with. I don't wanna hear no more of it.
Figure it out for yourselves.
I'll see y'all later.
- Ta-ta! - [Madea laughs]
Wait, I got to see who she's with out here!
- Come on, girl. - SYLVIA: Mama! Ma, come back!
- Ma! You can't... What? - Look who she with, girl!
Vi, where you going?
Oh, I'm taking you to Vegas with me tonight.
All right, baby. Thank you.
- Ma! - Where did you meet him?
BARN: He big.
MADEA: All right, y'all have a good time!
- We will. [laughs] - Don't worry about her.
- She's gonna be okay! - Ta-ta!
MADEA: All right, now.
- BAM: Ooh, Vianne! - MADEA: See y'all later on!
- BAM: Bye-bye! - [Madea laughing]
We'll see y'all later. Y'all got to figure it out for yourself, like your mama said.
Hold on. Let me tell you something. There come a time in your life
where the parents have to do what they got to do
and the kids got to do what y'all need to do.
Y'all grown. Figure this out!
Come on, let's go! You ain't got to stay here, girl.
- SYLVIA: Bye, y'all. - MADEA: Come on,
I'll show you how to get a man.
BARN: Mabel, tell me what that was on that man's face.
BARN: You and Heathrow brothers?
And Madea, yeah. You didn't know that?
BARN: I didn't know he...
That's my brother. Your ignorant ass didn't know that?
- BAM: No! - Did you read the damn script?
- BAM: Yeah, I read it. - [laughter]
How you gonna take away a man's ability to make sound?
[all laughing]
Damn, it, Ma, I'm gonna [bleep] you up!
[laughter]
TYLER PERRY: Why you trying to flex with your arm? Put the bag down.
No. Hold them. But just...
Why you trying to hold them like that?
- He can't help it. - Let it hang to your side.
- There you go. - Okay.
Let's try it one more time. He over here flexing.
[overlapping chatter and laughter]
- DAVID OTUNGA: I got my bags - [laughter]
- Good morning. - Good morning.
Good morning.
Well, we'll see y'all.
[laughter]
Try it one more time.
Just leave 'em down at your side.
OTUNGA: See my muscle?
Lean over some more.
If you hit me with this big-ass hand,
I'm telling you right now, it's gonna be me and you.
This is serious. Cassi came to my mama's funeral, sitting up in the choir stand.
- CASSI DAVIS: Oh, my God! - Drinking straight-up Hennessy.
Sitting there at the funeral just getting tore down.
- [laughter] - DAVIS: Tyler, that is a lie!
- Cassi? - It was Hennessy and 7Up.
[all laughing]
Damn, girl! You knocked my damn teeth from...
[muffled] You knocked my... [laughs]
[all laughing]
[coughing]
[laughter]
- [bleep] - [coughs]
Now, don't be coughing that on... Don't be putting that...
- PATRICE LOVELY: Right. - [laughter]
Don't be putting none of that on me, Heathrow.
They'll have me with a hole in my throat too.
I'm all of them rappers. I'm all about it, baby. I'm all about it.
What about Lil' Bow Wow? [laughing wheezily]
[crew laughs]
- You a lil' bowel movement. - [laughs]