﻿1
( thunder )
( music playing )
Woman: Oh, my God. Say something.
Man: What-- what should I say?
Woman: Anything. I just--
I just need to hear your accent.
Man: Well, technically, if you're the tourist,
- then you're the one with-- - Woman: Oh, my God.
Shut up. Don't move.
Uh-huh. Don't move.
( both moaning )
No. Grab me!
All right, okay.
Just like that.
( both moaning )
Now turn me over.
- Oh, Statton. - Oh, baby.
- Mmm. Statton. - Oh, baby, baby, baby.
Woman: Say my name.
Say my name!
- Anne? - What?
- Anne? - You don't know my name.
I'm-- I'm sorry. I'm bad with names.
Well, don't you think you should at least
try to remember the name of the person--
I did. I did try. I did a mnemonic.
- What? - I read a book which taught you how to remember names,
and one way is to think of someone with the same name,
- and my sister's name is Anne-Marie, so-- - You were thinking
of your sister when we were screwing?
No, no, no. When we first met.
My sister's name is Anne-Marie, so I used her as a mnemonic.
So I knew it was either Anne or Marie, I just couldn't remember which.
And I was too embarrassed to ask again, 'cause we were already, you know,
kissing by then, so-- well, I'm guessing it's Marie.
- It's Mary. - Oh.
Sorry. I must have misheard.
That bar was so noisy.
You heard me offer to go to bed with you.
Well, if I'd heard you say your name was Mary,
it would have been no problem. My dog's called Mary.
- I could have pictured her. - Oh, my fuck.
- Oh, no, no. - God!
I'm not saying that you remind me of a dog or anything.
- I was just-- - You were just saying that to remember my name,
you had to bring your sister, your dog,
and your grandmother into bed with us.
Well, I remember your name.
It's Statton. Statton Taylor.
That's 'cause it's unusual. The-- the book says it's easy to remember unusual names.
Plus, people tend to picture the Staten Island ferry.
So what? I should change my name to Eiffel Tower
- to make things easier for you? - No, no. I'm just saying
you probably visualized the Staten Island ferry
- without realizing it. - No, I didn't.
I was just interested enough in who I was sleeping with
to remember his name.
So, did you know you were going to sleep with me
when I first introduced myself?
You always know.
I've never been surprised
to find myself in bed with anyone.
- Have you? - Frequently.
I'm always surprised that anyone wants to sleep with me.
Frequently? How often do you do this?
Oh, hardly ever.
That's a lie.
Never ever.
I never have one-night stands.
Well, you're definitely not completing this one.
Man: Stay right where you are.
Do you like cop shows? Huh? Go to the movies?
Then you're both over-qualified to survive this episode.
We're here for your stuff.
Yeah, we like shiny stuff.
Jewelry, laptops, phones.
Watches, credit cards, small change.
My friend here will take your things.
I will remove your jewelry.
Now from the conversation we've just overheard,
Statton, you-- you'd like to impress this lady, eh? Am I right?
And even I know her name is Mary.
- Not that. - Ooh!
Bravery will be rewarded with a hole in the head.
And cooperation...
will be rewarded with a smile.
Just think of your online status, Statton Taylor.
- ( whimpers ) - "Survived being robbed at gunpoint."
"Thumbs up, Mary." Like, like, like, like, like, like, like.
( whimpering )
Would you get off the bed, please?
- Come on, on with it! - ( whimpers )
- ( gunshots ) - ( gasps )
( grunting )
- Oh, schiesse. - You fucking shot me.
- Why'd you fucking shoot me? - Well, you started it.
There was somebody in the wardrobe.
It's a fucking mirror, you Magoo.
- You saw his reflection. - Yeah, well, who the fuck were you shooting at?
I thought there was someone shooting behind me, which there was!
Only I didn't know it was my fucking sidekick.
If anyone's a fucking sidekick, okay, it is you.
- You're a fucking sidekick. - Well, I'm not the one with a fucking bullet in my leg.
Fuck you. Whose room is this?
- Which one of you booked? - It's mine. It's mine.
Yeah? You get up, okay?
Call the front desk and say you've just been--
you've just been disturbed by the bangs that you heard down the corridor.
- What the fuck? - You always have to alert the authorities, okay?
Alert the authorities and they'll never suspect you.
- Do it. - All right. Okay, okay, okay,
- Okay. - ( phone beeps )
( grunting ) Hello.
( stammers ) My name's Statton Taylor. I'm in room, uh...
- Keep it natural. Keep it natural. - ...uh, 304.
- Um, I just heard two loud shots. - Bangs!
- Bangs. Bangs! Uh, uh--
They might have not been shots. It could have been anything.
Tell them that you need your sleep, okay?
You don't want to be disturbed and you've got a thing in the morning.
I don't want to be disturbed. I got a thing in the morning.
- Early! - An early work--
I have early work in the morning.
Okay. Yes, please don't disturb me.
- Come on, come on, come on. - Okay, thank you very much.
Thank you. Okay, bye.
- What did he say? - He said they heard it.
- And? - They're looking into it.
- Right, we need to go. - No, no, no, no, no.
I can't go through reception dripping with blood.
They're looking for a guy with a gun,
and I got a fucking hole in my leg.
Right. What do you want me to do?
I just want you to watch me bleed to death, okay?
Just go. Just get somebody, okay?
Well, I cannot call a fucking ambulance, can I?
No, no, Will-- Will's brother, okay, is a doctor, all right?
- He's fucking 12! - His older brother.
Right, okay. Keep your fucking leg on.
Take that, right? In case I get searched on my way out.
Keep one trained on each of their fucking heads.
Um, um, um, look--
- Hey, hey, hey, hey. - Don't.
Look, um, I know you don't care,
but that pendant...
I really need it. It was my mother's.
It's-- it's of great sentimental value to me.
Oh, well, um, okay.
Money is of great sentimental value to me,
and I know a man who will give me cash.
God fucking damn it.
( stammering ) Can I get dressed, please?
Slowly.
- Can I get dressed? - Do you have to?
Mary, can you bring that sheet over, please?
( grunts )
Can you tie it around my leg?
( exhales sharply )
- ( grunts ) - Thank you, Mary. Thank you, Mary.
Thank you very much.
- Whose credit cards are these? - They're mine.
Says "Carol. Carol Page."
I think if there's one thing we've all learned tonight,
is that your name is definitely Mary.
Are these stolen credit cards? 'Cause I do not want stolen credit cards.
They're not stolen. Carol's my real name.
You gave me a fake name?
Whatevs. It was a one-night stand.
I gave you a fake phone number as well.
Then why were you so upset that I didn't call you Marie?
- Mary! - Mary, for fuck's sake.
It doesn't matter! It's not even her real name!
It was the name that I told you,
so, you know, it's still rude of you to not remember it.
Well, why did you want to hear me say it if it's not even your name?
'Cause I knew you'd forgotten it.
I could tell by the way you kept saying, "Oh, baby, baby, baby."
- ( chuckles ) - So you were testing me during sex?
That's entrapment. That is nice.
Remembering the fake name I gave you is the minimum requirement.
And, anyway, it's sort of my name.
Sort of? How can it be sort of your name?
It was my name when I was a nun.
You were a nun?
I was a novice for, like, two years when I was young.
I was Sister Mary Catherine.
You wanted him to call you by your nun name while you did it?
- Well, that's hot. - Not because of that, no.
Do you mind? This is private.
Yeah. I'm feeling a bit like a fifth wheel.
You want me to go?
- Have you still got the habit? - Oh, come on.
- Oh, my God. - ( chuckles )
Do you still have the habit?
Not on me, no.
Of course. Sorry, sorry.
So, uh, you're a Catholic boy, too, then, eh?
Yeah.
Do you go to St. Godfrey's? I feel like I recognize you.
I just got one of those faces.
What are the chances, eh?
Three strangers, all of us Catholic.
- I'm not. - You were a nun.
How can you be a nun and not be Catholic?
It's one of those questions they never ask.
They just assume if you sign up to be a nun,
you know, must be Catholic.
Always go to the authorities and they never suspect a thing.
- Does that always work? - No.
Yes. I learned it when I went to London when I was 19.
- What, like in crime training? - No, going to the opera.
- The opera? - Well, don't stereotype me, mate.
- I wasn't. - Not everyone with a gun
- is uncultured. - Carry on the story. I want to hear.
When I first went to London, okay, I was, uh,
training to be an opera singer.
And, uh, we used to go to the interval,
and, uh, no one would check the tickets,
so we'd just jump in a spare seat.
This one time, I went with my mate Callum,
and they were sold out and I was about to do a runner,
and he went up to this usher, who was a beautiful girl.
And he said to her, "Have I got time to go
to the toilet before it starts?"
She says, "You can go to the toilet, but...
I'll have to put you in a private box."
So, uh, we watched the second half of "Tosca"
in a private box like kings.
Amazing.
And after the opera, Callum shagged the usher.
It was a beautiful night.
That was lovely.
So, you're an opera singer? What happened?
Oh, it's a very competitive field, you know?
You gotta be really good to progress and...
this is an opportunity for some fast cash.
And then one thing led to a...
hole in the leg.
What was your biggest part?
Pirate King of "Pirates of Penzance."
- ( chuckles ) - Wow.
Just a tour. Just a tour, but mainly to tourists.
- It's impressive. - Mm-hmm.
Could you sing something for us?
- Yeah. - It might take your mind off your leg.
- No. - Oh, go on.
- Please. - No, I couldn't.
Oh, it's a non-smoking room.
I need to do something for my pain, mate.
Can I have one then?
It's a non-smoking room.
We won't tell if you won't.
Yeah, Statton, live a little.
♪ I am the Pirate King ♪
♪ And it is, it is a glorious thing ♪
♪ To be the Pirate King ♪
♪ Oh, better far to live and die ♪
♪ Under the brave black flag I fly ♪
♪ Than play a sanctimonious part ♪
♪ With a pirate head and a pirate heart ♪
♪ I'll be true to the song I sing ♪
♪ And live and die ♪
♪ A Pirate King ♪
♪ For I am the Pirate King ♪
♪ Hurrah, hurrah, for the Pirate King ♪
♪ It is, it is a glorious thing ♪
♪ To be a Pirate King ♪
♪ It is, hurrah for the Pirate King ♪
- ♪ Hurrah ♪ - ♪ The Pirate King ♪
( smoke alarm beeping )
Fuck.
Oh, fuck.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
( knocking on door )
Man: Mr. Taylor?
It's the hotel duty manager.
- Get rid of him. - How?
Answer the door and say you were disturbed by a shot.
- A shot or a bang? - Bang, okay?
Okay, no funny business, 'cause remember-- get on there.
Remember, I've got a gun pointed at your girlfriend's head, mate.
Mary: Girlfriend?
- Man: Mr. Taylor? - ( knocking )
Mr. Taylor?
Fuck it! I'll go, I'll go.
I'll go, I'll go, I'll go.
What's going on, huh?
I was just woken up by an alarm and then a shot-- bang.
Whatever. And now you're thumping on my door.
Sorry, Mr. Taylor.
We had a complaint about, uh, some kind of singing
- coming from your room. - That was next door.
I was gonna complain about that, too.
Okay, I'm going for his gun.
He's wounded. We can overpower him.
- No, no. He'll kill us. - He might kill us anyway. Come on.
I got an ace up my sleeve. I've remembered where I know him from.
- What? Where? - His name's Kipper.
- Oh, his name you remember? - Well, I pictured a herring,
- and the book says it's easier to remember unusual names. - Oh, my fuck!
- Look, when I tell him-- - Do not fucking tell him.
- What? - If he knows you, he'll have to kill you.
- Why? - Statton, I don't want to die,
and neither do you, so shut the fuck up, and follow my lead.
But he--
I think you were right. I do remember you.
No, I just think you got one of those faces, like you said.
How can it be my face if I remember you?
You...
were at Danno's party.
No, I-- I don't think I was.
Yes! Danno's!
You're the piano tuner guy.
We were doing shots in the kitchen.
Oh, that Danno, yes. Yes, I was. Yes.
- Sorry. - I totally remember you.
So, you live around here?
- Mm-hmm. - Then why are we in a hotel?
Come on, Statton.
You don't want to die with a lie on your conscience.
That is true. As a Catholic, it's highly inadvisable.
I, um, still live with my wife.
- Oh, Jesus. - No, we're separated.
I sleep on the sofa in the living room.
Just hasn't been the right time to leave.
Sure, you're separated, but you still live together.
- Totally believable. - I promise you, she won't mind me being here.
- I could introduce you, if you like. - No, I'm fine, really.
So, uh, how do you know Danno?
Well, my mate Theo is his supplier.
You're a drug dealer, too?
No. Theo's a drug dealer.
I would never be a drug dealer.
It's too fussy. Might as well be a shopkeeper.
( cell phone ringing )
Oh.
Yeah? What do you got?
Will's brother is cave-diving in Azerbaijan.
- I'm fucking dying here. - Yeah, I know.
- I'm exploring other options. - Like what?
- Theo knows this vet. - A vet? Victor the vet?
Yeah, I think he said his name was Victor, yeah.
Well, he's not even a real vet. He got his diploma on the Internet.
Well, Theo swears by him. Said he was a star when his wee doggie got shot.
I won't see a vet without proper qualifications.
Hey, that doggie has little wheels on his back legs now.
Are you telling me that his last patient is now a paraplegic?
Yeah, all right, I'll sort something else out.
And a packet of chewing gum, please. Sugar-free.
How's the situation now?
Oh, ahem, yeah, situation's under control, Dec.
You'll never guess.
Statton and I have met before at one of Danno's parties.
What the fuck? Are you a chartered moron?
If he knows you, he can ID you.
If they can hear you, don't say a fucking word.
This is why you are the sidekick.
Fuck you. What do I do?
Well, you're gonna have to kill 'em.
What?
Well, I, uh-- I've, uh, never--
never really had any experience in that kind of area before.
Are you trying to tell me that you have never killed anyone before?
That's correct.
Jesus. You must have.
- Well, I haven't. - Are you sure?
Well, I'm pretty sure I'd remember that sort of thing.
Jesus, Kipper.
And, um, you know, there's been a little bit of bonding,
and, uh, reminiscences and all that.
I have three previous.
I'm on parole.
I will get 20 years for armed robbery.
I am not gonna do 20 fucking years
'cause you're a French fancy!
All right.
You'll have to kill her, too.
No. No.
- No, no. - She will see you kill him.
We can't have her being a witness to that, can we?
I can't do it.
All right, I'll do it,
if you admit you're the sidekick.
You're wrong. It got a lot friendly, and you don't shoot a friend.
I'm a lot less shootable now that he knows me socially.
No, no, no. You're wrong.
He can't let you go, so now he can't let me go.
( Kipper whispering )
As soon as this is through
I'm taking Tina and the kids...
( continues whispering )
Drop the gun and the phone.
- How did you get that? - You left it on the chair, Pirate King.
I am the sidekick.
Hello, my name's Statton Taylor. I'm in room 304.
We need police and ambulance right away.
Oh, thank you very much. Okay, bye.
Police are on their way up 'cause of the earlier bangs-- shot, shots.
- Statton? - Hmm?
- Get the gun. - Oh, right.
Please, give me a chance. Give me a head start, okay?
I've got kids, I'm an opera singer, and...
I'm clearly not good at this.
I'll quit.
I'll go into teaching.
( screaming )
- Police! Get on the floor! - Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Get on the floor!
Thank Christ you're here!
- What? - They tried to kill me! I brought her up to my room,
and she pulled out a gun and called her boyfriend.
- He was robbing us. - You get your heads down!
The room's in my name. My name's Statton Taylor.
Of course it is. And I'm the one being held at gunpoint.
- I'm Statton Taylor! - No, he's not!
- Shut the fuck up! - Okay, okay, okay.
Have you got any ID, sir?
- Hey, that's my wallet! - Shut it!
- Any photo ID? - Ah, Jesus. They're the ones with the guns.
- Whose ID do you think it is? - It's mine! He stole the wallet from me!
Very slowly look up towards the door.
Sedgwick, manager.
Which one of these men is Statton Taylor?
- That one. - What?
- I talked to him earlier. - Mary: His name is Kipper.
He went to the door. He had us at gunpoint.
You're the one with the guns. He's the one that's wounded.
- Twice. Wounded twice. - We'll get you to the hospital, Mr. Taylor.
- We'll take a statement in the morning. - Thank you, officer.
I thought they were gonna kill me.
We do our job, that's all.
Sedgwick: You do not have to say anything,
but it may harm your defense if you don't mention when questioned
something you later rely on in court.
( music playing )
Fuck. Statton, I think I've got a wrap of coke in my pocket.
What? Cocaine?
Mm-hmm. Can you reach it? It's in my jacket pocket.
- But they searched you. - There's a zip pocket inside the pocket.
- Just leave it there. - No, no. They might have dogs at the station.
- ( police radio chatter ) - Why do you have cocaine anyway? It's illegal.
It's from a party weeks ago.
- Just get it. - All right.
God!
I can't.
- That is not my pocket. - Sorry.
I've got it, I've got it, I've got it.
Let's hand it in.
No, no. Just drop it when we get out of the van.
No, you always go to the authorities, that way they never suspect you.
- Officer? - ( banging )
- Officer, I found illegal drugs in the back of your van. - Statton, no, no, no.
Not your first time then.
- What? - We've run a check on your girlfriend's fingerprints.
- She's not my girlfriend. - Oh, I'm sorry. Your "lady friend."
Her name is Yvonne Page,
and she has a previous for armed robbery.
We're not saying anything till our lawyer gets here.
- Come back then. - Oh, I will.
Fucking sidekick.
Fuck.
Where's the leg that needs fixing then?
Your name's Yvonne? Your name's not even Carol.
You have previous convictions.
Oh, that's it, we're going down.
Oh, calm down. It's not like I planned this.
If I did, I wouldn't have a criminal record now, would I?
Still your fault. You grabbed the gun. You had the cocaine.
Oh, my God, I'm going down for armed robbery.
Oh, my giddy Christ, why didn't you tell me you'd already been arrested?
- It was a long time ago. I-- - Well, how long ago?
Was it before or after the nunnery?
It was actually the reason I was asked to leave.
You committed armed robbery when you were a nun?
I just drove the getaway car.
No one thought they'd chase the convent car.
It had St. Lucy of the Isle Convent written all over it.
You were a nun here on the island?
- Mm-hmm. - I thought you were a tourist.
I left the island years ago.
I just come back every now and again.
To wreak havoc and get people arrested.
Look, you're making too much of it.
I got a suspended sentence, I didn't do time.
Who are you even doing this with?
- Errant nuns who needed-- - No.
I fell in with a bad crowd.
How? You were living in a convent!
They were a youth group. Troubled teens.
I was supposed to be mentoring them,
- but instead-- - Instead, you committed armed robbery with them.
Oh, they were fun, and they offered to give me some of the cash.
You have no idea how hard the vow of poverty is.
- Fuck-a-fuck. - Way worse than chastity by far.
( phone ringing )
Hello. Statton Taylor speaking.
- Kipper! What's going on? - Oh, calm down, mum.
I'm fine, I'm fine. I'm in the hospital.
- You're not in the nick? - No. No, no, no.
They caught the pair that did it.
Are you telling me the two people that can ID us
are in the fucking nick?
That's right, mum.
You really stupid, you know that?
I woke Petal up and got her to put on
a nurse's uniform to instill confidence in you,
and you're not even fucking here!
Look, someone with a first aid certificate
that you do weekly role-play with is not a nurse.
Mum.
Just get yourself out of the hospital as soon as you can,
before the Bobbsey twins ID you.
Love you, bye.
Prick.
We have to go, Petal.
Shame to waste the bed.
You could be done in three minutes, Dec-ster.
This can't be happening. This can't be happening to me.
- This is your fault! - This is good for you.
You needed something like this.
I don't want no trouble. I just wanna go home.
( sobbing )
Seems to me like you need a new start.
Get your own place.
That problem seems to be solved.
I'm about to get a cell of my own.
It'd be better than what you have.
You got no life.
Don't judge me. You can't judge me.
I run my own business. I tune pianos, which is a--
Which is, when you think about it,
making something someone else made very slightly better.
You don't make pianos. You don't make music.
What the-- I allow other people to make music.
Well, aren't you tired of letting other people make the music?
When I started, there were a thousand functioning pianos
on this island, and now there are 400.
I'm not even a failed musician anymore. I'm a failed piano tuner.
Except now I'll be nothing,
because I'll have a criminal record.
And what school or church or community hall
is gonna give me the run of their place, eh?
Because my life, the one you say I don't have,
will be over.
You're acting like we're guilty here.
The whole thing is kinda funny when you think about it.
The cops arresting us while the guy was in the room?
That wasn't remotely funny.
And who gives a flying frick if we're innocent
if we can't prove it?
Look, when our lawyer gets here, he--
he should be here. What time is it?
Well, I don't know, because the very expensive watch
that my wife bought me has been stolen.
It wasn't expensive. It was a fake.
My wife bought me that watch from a very, very--
Then your wife was ripped off.
My dad was a jeweler.
I spent my childhood in Philly
sitting in the back of his shop wearing a loupe.
He called me Diamond Lil'.
My watch might be fake, but at least I'm not.
What's that supposed to mean?
Mary, Carol, Yvonne-- whatever.
Is there anything else you want to tell me?
I don't want any more surprises.
Well, one thing,
but it's tiny, not even worth mentioning.
- What? - It's nothing.
I demand you tell me.
Don't laugh at me. This is my life!
- It was a bar fight. - You were in a bar fight.
I was protecting a friend.
Some guy was getting sleazy with her in the strip club.
What were you doing in a strip club?
Stripping.
Right.
Okay.
Right.
Was this before or after the nunnery?
After.
I couldn't pay the bills, couldn't go home.
Did they know you were a nun?
That was my act.
- What was? - Stripping nun.
My character was called Our Lady Of The Night.
You don't have to stay here all night, you know.
- Not on my account. - Don't worry, mate.
Better in here than it is out there, I can assure you.
Don't want to stretch your legs or anything?
Oh, thanks. I'm meant to be here,
just until they've taken your statement in the morning
and checked your ID. Just formalities.
Well, I feel really reassured that you're gonna be here,
Officer...
- Uh, Dean. - Dean.
After all I've been through.
Well, I've, um--
I've gone and got myself an errant nine on the top line.
Are you any good at "Suduku"?
( Japanese accent ) Sudoku.
( chuckles )
Do you know, I'll have a go at this for you, officer,
if you could get me a little chocolate biscuit or something?
Hot drink? Anything?
Call me Luke, now that we're sharing a "Sudoku."
- ( muttering ) - Yeah, a crisp.
You might not care, but I have things I need to get back for.
Oh, really? Do you, Statton?
You sleep on your wife's sofa bed.
What were your big plans tonight,
to go home and jerk off and cry?
- Jerk off and cry? - Jerk off and cry.
- Fuck off and die. - Oh, come on!
Isn't a part of you enjoying that something's happening to you?
- No! - Wouldn't you like to have one story
that didn't end with, "And there was a cat
trapped in my piano all along?"
You loved that story! You laughed at that story--
that story got you into my bed!
That story made me realize that you needed to get laid.
And you know what else?
At the hotel,
I left the door unlocked deliberately
because it's more exciting that way.
You fucked up nun! You fucked up fucking nun!
Mm-hmm. Yup, yup, yup.
Well, this seems to be the room,
that makes you the clients.
Are you our lawyer?
- Yeah. Yup. - Can I get some ice please?
I doubt it. No. The facilities here are surprisingly two-star.
- I'm really hurt. - No shit.
So, tell me how innocent you are.
How the cops have got it all wrong.
They have got it all wrong.
Okay, Yvonne, I'm listening.
I prefer Carol.
Or Mary or countless other names.
Always reassures the court if you have a number
of functional pseudonyms.
Yvonne will do.
Yeah. Yup, yup, yup.
Well, I'm Rich. Uh, name only.
Obviously, not literally rich
or I'd be drunk this time of night.
Look, these guys, they stole my watch, they stole my identity.
Yup, yup, yup. Well, I think I have enough.
- You don't have a enough. - They held us and gunpoint.
I have enough to get you bail.
But you don't need bail in the UK.
This is not the UK.
It's an island Crown dependency.
You can get to the mainland on a rowboat.
You need bail. So, who do I call?
- I don't know. - No one springs to mind.
Me neither.
Okay.
Tell me a very, very interesting story.
Hello, Danno. Look, I'm sorry it's so late.
Uh, it's Statton.
Yeah, right back to you. Yeah, fine, fine.
How are you? Uh, look, sorry, mate, I need to get to the point.
Do you remember a guy called Kipper from your party?
Yeah, do you know his surname?
- Oh, no, he doesn't know. - Give me that.
Danno, are you Catholic?
Well, I'm a virgin motherfucking nun
and I need you to reach back down there
into you subconscious and figure the fuck out what Kipper's last name is
or I'll personally see to it that you're stuck in Purgatory
for the duration of your natural born death!
Whew! Oof.
Yup.
Motherfucker.
( all inhale )
Get the hospital on the phone now.
Right. What was his sidekick's name?
I don't remember. I'm not very good with names.
They did say. I did a mnemonic.
You used my mnemonics?
I pictured the Titanic.
Rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic.
His name is Deck Chair!
Dec. Short for Declan.
Dec, Dec. His name's Dec.
Uh...
Yeah, Kipper's gone.
He walked out of the hospital
when Officer Dean went to get him a chocolate bickie.
Go and make up a better story
of how this criminal got away.
Ideally, one that doesn't make me look like a prick
for allowing the two of you out of the station.
Go.
- Could we go? - You're still charged with possession of cocaine.
I think under the circumstances, Sergeant,
all charges should be dropped.
Do you? Sadly, I disagree.
Officer, the drugs were mine.
Statton had nothing to do with it.
Well, he was holding them,
which means you're both in possession
with conspiracy to pervert the course of justice.
Your bail just doubled, you numpties!
Dec, I am out. I'm out.
Oh, good. They'll be out sooner or later, too.
We got to get rid of them.
No, no, no, no, it's too late.
Too late, they'll definitely
have talked by now, definitely.
Yeah, but you can't have a trial
without witnesses, can you, buddy?
I told you, right, not to go into a room
where people were still awake.
I told you it was reckless.
But you didn't listen.
It was just meant to be a bit of fun.
Something funny to tell the boys.
Yeah, well, I'll tell you what is funny, okay?
I gotta lay low, Dec? Okay? The cops are after me
and they don't know what you look like!
Does your kid know what you look like?
Because at this rate, he'll be identifying
your dead body in the morgue, mate.
Hello, Denise, I'm sorry to wake you.
Um, I'm in the police station.
I really don't want to ask,
but, uh, could you, um, bail me out?
And my friend?
- Denise, thanks. Look-- - This your friend?
Yeah.
Can I have a word with you please?
Um, sure.
Okay, I'll bail you out, but you got take him.
- What? - He can't come back to me.
Look, I don't know what you think this is--
We broke up a year ago--
sorry, I don't know your name.
Call me Carol.
Carol, please, we broke up a year ago.
- Got a divorce. - Well, he said separated.
He always says that. We signed divorce papers.
He said he was gonna get his own place,
he was just staying on the sofa bed
- for a couple of weeks. - Yeah.
Well, I've started seeing someone else.
Six months went by, new guy wants to move in.
- Oh, I see. - Do you know, tonight is the first night
that he stayed out after 10:00?
I was so hopeful. I thought, "This is it.
He's met someone. He's gonna go!"
I think it's more of a one-night kinda--
No. No, it can't be.
I'll pay you to be his transitional girl.
I mean, I'll bail you out.
Well, can't you just ask him to leave?
I've tried to! He just keeps not leaving.
I have come home furious as fuck,
ready to throw him out, change the locks,
and he's just...
he's cooked a risotto,
changed my light bulbs.
He's just not the sort of guy
who you can throw out.
But now, now! This is his own fault, you know.
I can do this now. It might be my last shot.
- I don't know. - Skip bail if you want.
Get the ferry to the mainland.
I don't care, just take him with you.
I beg you.
Do you take plastic?
You're throwing me out?
No, you're leaving me for her.
But I need to come home. I just got robbed.
I haven't got any money.
All right, you can have what I've got in my purse,
then call the bank tomorrow.
You're in luck. Here's 100. Good luck, Statton.
- What about my stuff, my-- - I'll send it on.
Where to?
Babe, ask Carol, huh? You live with her now.
We made a deal.
( music playing )
Statton! Statton, wait.
Wait.
Statton, Statton.
Wait! Come on!
I can't believe you did a deal for me.
- I'm not property. - I didn't have much choice,
and she seemed kind of desperate.
- I'm not living with you. - Oh, really?
But I thought we were gonna register for twin babies and matching china.
I hate you, I hate you! You're a curse of a woman.
Why are you even here?
( scoffs )
Let me give you some cash, okay?
I don't want to leave you stranded.
I know how hard the vow of poverty is.
Okay.
- Look. - Thanks.
Well, you want me to buy you a drink or not?
You're going drinking now?
No, I'm gonna find out where my pendant is.
- Why? - It doesn't matter.
Well, exactly! So, leave it!
My birth mother left it at the hospital for me.
- What? - I'm adopted.
Well, I didn't know.
I didn't either, until I did.
And, well, she left it for me when I was born
and I've never taken it off since I've had it.
- Not before tonight. - Oh.
And I know you think it's just stupid
or just a thing or whatever, but you know what?
I don't care what you think.
I'm getting my necklace back.
And you might as well come with me,
you have nowhere else to go.
And I bet who ever it's been hawked to is in the streets.
( dance music playing )
Oh, my God! It's Bollocks McGiven!
- All: Bollocks! - Bollocks McGiven?
Oh, a long story involving a night in Dublin,
a poker game, and a frying pan.
Oh, Bollocks! The unit's broken down again.
Would you mind coming by and having a look?
Sure, it's probably the throttle body cleaner again.
Oh, you're adorable!
Hey. You wanna Brexit? Go back to my place?
- Oh, not tonight. - Aww.
Do you know where I can score in here?
Oh.
Sorry, kid, you need cash.
I don't give credit to customers I don't know.
I swear I'm good for it. I was robbed tonight!
There were these guys with guns--
All right! All right!
Save your stories for some Oprah who cares.
Hey! Did you used to do a stripping nun act?
No. Must have been someone else.
( dance music continues )
Statton: What the fuck?
If you talk to a drug dealer without buying drugs,
they start to get suspicious, and he's the guy
who'll know who's got my pendant.
In a half hour, that guy will be my BF and F,
and 'effing tell me everything I need to know.
Just get rid of it.
Mmm.
I was hoping you would.
There's absolutely no point in doing hard time for holding
if you're not gonna have any fun.
I mean, that's just-- that's just embarrassing.
I just don't drink and drug.
You've never done it before, have you?
What? Yeah...
And I kicked the gun out of his hand, right?
It flew up in the air and I caught it, and I put it to his head, and was like,
"Don't move, motherfucker, or I'll blow your head off."
And then police, they've surrounded the building.
They're like, "Come out with your hands up."
And I was like, "Don't worry, lads, I got this."
- ( knocking on door ) - Kitty: Bollocks!
I'm busting like the six dams out here!
And if you've got any drugs, I'd love some.
I'll be right out, Kitty.
( rock ballad playing )
The duty manager comes to the door, right?
And I knew it was either him or me.
And he's just an innocent guy, you know?
He's probably got a family. I don't want him to die.
The strangest thing is, I don't even know karate,
but I jumped off the bed, knocked him to the floor,
and the bullet went over our heads.
I fucking love this song.
Crowd: ♪ If you call out my name ♪
♪ I'll keep you safe ♪
♪ 'Cause I wanna fight for love ♪
♪ If you call out my name ♪
So, if I wanted to get rid of some jewelry,
something I borrowed, who'd be interested?
You tried eBay?
I know that guy.
Yeah, I helped that guy get a cat out of a piano once.
- What? - I'm a vet.
You get called in to do the craziest shit.
Theo loves that story, don't you, Theo?
Victor, you've given away the punchline now.
- ( dog barking ) - Hey, Buddy! It's all right, Asbo.
Victor: Dec wants you to call him, back.
He says it's urgent.
Tell him we've found what he's looking for.
- I gotta go. - Wait, you haven't heard the story yet.
Tell her the story.
♪ 'Cause I'm gonna fight for love ♪
( no audible dialogue )
( electric guitar warming up )
( rock music playing )
Motherfucker!
( screaming )
No, no, no, no. I attacked him in front
of a police officer completely unprovoked.
- I have to plead guilty. - You never have to plead guilty.
I want to plead guilty.
It was the greatest moment of my life.
I don't want to deny it.
Hey, guilty makes my life easy.
And the police are looking for Mary, right?
Oh! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
If you want my advice, as a legal professional,
don't worry about her.
She's a very capable lady, mm-hmm. Eh?
So, how long are we gonna wait here?
Until Kipper calls us back and decides what to do with you.
We shouldn't have left Asbo at the bar.
Well, there's a new scent in the car, man.
Do you want him barking, drawing attention?
Theo: He doesn't like being tied up, though. You know that.
- He's a dog, man! - Yeah, but dogs have feelings.
Hmm.
( chewing loudly )
Can I have some gum?
Thanks.
So what's it like, being a dealer?
- It's a living. - It's not like being a shopkeeper then?
Did Kipper say that? Is he still going on about that?
I've told him before, it's a dangerous game.
It's not like running a Tesco Metro!
- Jesus Christ! - Well, he didn't say that exactly.
Oh, yes, he did. I know him.
Don't let her wind you up.
I'm sorry. I should have said anything.
I'm just thinking of a career change, that's all.
Can you really buy a degree?
I didn't buy a degree, right? I did a course.
On the Internet. Distance learning is the future.
That's what I told Kipper, and he said an Internet degree
is not worth the email it's attached to.
- Fucking Kipper! - You know, you guys shouldn't worry
about anything that guy says.
He got shot in the leg tonight--
twice-- trying to rob a hotel.
I mean, who does he think he is, Al Capone?
Oh, he's a fucking amateur.
And "Kipper"? What's with that name?
It's a nickname. Do you wanna know how he got it?
Oh, my God, so much. Is it embarrassing?
Oh, you have no idea.
( burps )
Dec wants you dead, kid. He won't do 20 years.
So, get on the first ferry to the mainland in the morning, okay?
Okay, I will. Thanks, guys.
And if you are gonna make those Welsh cakes, don't forget...
- grease the griddle pan-- - With lard!
Oh, come here.
And by the way, it was me
who did the stripping nun act.
I knew it!
- Well, look who's in trouble again. - Mary!
Oh, thank God. I was so worried.
- What are you doing here? - Someone had to bail you out.
- You don't have any money. - Will you take plastic?
Thank you, Reverend Mother. I really appreciate this.
Don't thank me, thank Father Donald.
- It's his credit card. - He always had a crush on me.
Father Donald better get every penny of this back,
- and some reward points. - ( laughs )
- Where are you taking me? - Please, just follow me, okay?
We should find somewhere to hide until the first ferry.
I am getting off this God forsaken island and never coming back.
Well, I can't leave, can I? Where would I go?
Um, somewhere where no one wants to kill you?
- I don't have-- - Statton, when was the last time
you went to the mainland?
Uh, probably my stag night?
I don't remember much of that, to be honest.
- And how long ago was that? - Uh, eight years ago.
Eight years? Wait, you haven't been off this tiny island
in eight years?
I haven't really had the time.
Yes, you have.
When was the last time you lived somewhere else?
Did you go away to college or...
You've never lived anywhere else but here?
All right, that's it, buddy.
We are getting off this island if we have to swim for it.
No, no, no, no. Wait, please.
Just... it's a surprise.
All in all, I'd say I'm very good
- for surprises this evening. - One more?
Okay.
( bells tolling )
The convent?
Just wait in the chapel. I'll be back.
Hi, sorry to bother you. My name's Statton.
Um, I actually went to Sunday school here.
Um, that's irrelevant.
Um, I'm a friend-- an acquaintance of Dec... lan?
Don't know no Declan.
Scottish? Very-- quite angry.
He said you might have a necklace.
Don't know about no necklace.
- And the pendant or... - Eh.
Are you sure? 'Cause, I mean, he was quite adamant.
All right, all right.
I had it, but I haven't got it anymore.
Oh. Where is it?
Give me a minute. I'll call the guy and get it back to you.
Oh, thank you very much.
It'll cost you. 500 at least.
- Sure. - Wait in the chapel.
Are you online?
I could do a bank transfer, you see?
Who's that?
- Saint Tropez. - Oh, yeah.
Patron saint of suntans.
Heh. Suntans?
Okay, but it is Saint Tropez.
He was decapitated by Nero,
who set him adrift in a boat with a rooster and a dog.
Rougher night than ours.
So, what's all the mystery? What's the big surprise?
Have you resubmitted my application to the convent?
'Cause I really don't think they're gonna reconsider.
Just... wait and see.
Kipper, they're here.
I don't know how long I can hold them.
Okay, confess something.
Um, if a customer upsets me
sometimes I make their D slightly sharp.
- True. - True.
I had an affair with my math teacher's wife.
- That's gotta be false. - True.
Sometimes when I run out of underwear,
I'd borrow my wife's boyfriend's.
- Um, true. - True.
When I was a nun,
I was in a death metal band
called "Clitty Slickers."
True. Definitely true.
- False. - I wasn't sure you were telling the truth
about being a nun until Mother Superior turned up.
Okay.
Well, I didn't believe for one minute
you were really separated from your wife.
What was your worst relationship?
Uh...
- My wife. - Hmm.
- And your best? - My wife.
You know what? I think this is better.
Then it must have been really bad.
It lacked, uh... romance.
Statton: We're gonna get it back.
You don't know that.
Mmm. That's why we're here.
- What? - Father Donald's got it.
Well, he had it. He's getting it back.
How did you find this out?
Dec told me in the police station.
Dec told you?
And why do you think he'd do that, Statton?
Because I paid him.
You paid him? You paid him.
What kind of fuckwittery did they teach you
in piano tuning school?
Dec wants us dead, and you just paid him
to tell us where to go so he could have us killed.
Father Donald is a priest. We can trust him.
Dodgy Donald? He's receiving stolen goods. Think it through!
He's a priest that could afford to bail us out.
Come on, we gotta get out of here.
Fuck, I knew it!
Sorry, Mary, I thought that--
Well, start thinking of a way out.
Sure, uh, um...
- Windows! - These windows are lead lined
and too high to climb out of anyway.
No, no, we need to attract attention.
Uh...
( playing "House of Rising Sun" )
Get up. Move.
We've already been to the police, Kipper.
There's no point.
Mary: No point going down for murder.
It's only armed robbery. No one got hurt.
Dec says if he gets armed robbery, he goes down for twenty.
Dec gets 20, I get dead, kids-- no dad. Hmm?
We'll refuse to testify.
Dec's not the sort of guy you could do a deal with.
I don't want to do it. I have to do it.
- You don't have to do-- - I have to do it!
Okay, okay. You have to do it.
But can we-- can we at least talk awhile before you do it?
Sure.
I want you to know that I've never done this before.
You don't have to kill anyone today, Kipper.
Mary: You don't have to do what Dec says.
You're not the sidekick.
Don't call me...
an 'effing sidekick, okay?
- I hate being a sidekick. - I know, I know.
Okay, I'm gonna do it.
- Oh. - Oh, no, no. No, no.
I'm gonna do it and then I'm gonna go.
Okay.
Just let me say my prayers first.
You still believe?
Technically, I'm still a nun.
- Hmm? How? - Well, I was never defrocked
'cause I was just a novice, so they didn't bother.
Well, you were pretty well defrocked tonight, love, in the hotel.
I saw you, okay? Some nun you are.
Lots of nuns sin, Kipper. We're only human.
Okay.
Okay, ask for forgiveness. Come on.
And say one for me.
Dear Lord, please forgive me for my sins of the flesh.
And, please,
have mercy on the soul of Kipper Jones.
I know that Matthew 20:13 says
that he who kills a nun shall know no forgiveness,
but instead will burn in a fiery pit.
But please, please,
make an exception in Kipper's case,
for he knows not what he does.
- Did you hear that? Hey! - Do you mind? I'm praying.
Well, that's not in the 'effing Bible.
Sure it is.
You think there's no scripture covering nun killers?
And please, Lord,
have mercy on Kipper's soul.
I know that according to your holy word in John 3:4,
you say that the eyes will be plucked out of the head
of anyone who slays a nun
or the protector of a nun.
The protector of the nun? It does not say that.
Show me. Show me where it says that in the Bible.
Show me in the passages where those words are used.
We don't have a Bible.
But we're in a bloody church, mate!
Good point. Good point. Good point.
You, get over there. Show me.
Show me in that Bible.
The holy Bible.
Holy fuck.
Move.
Show me Matthew, John...
Show me where it says those words, huh?
This Bible's in Latin.
But that's what it means.
I'm coming. I'm coming.
"Nonne ex denario convenisti mecum."
"Nonne" means "nun."
"Ex denario" means...
"Convenisti mecum."
"The convent's down a nun."
"Non facio tibi."
"The faceless man who does this evil act."
If you're lying to me--
if you are lying to me...
Why are they still here, Kipper?
How long can this possibly take?
Get out, get out! Huh?
Okay, okay.
- Stay there! - Okay.
Huh? Hey!
You...
I was gonna do it, but I couldn't do it. I'm sorry, Dec.
- She's a nun. - Yeah?
Well, I'm a Methodist.
- ( grunts ) - ( gunshot )
( groaning )
Statton!
( groaning )
Kipper: I'm sorry, Dec.
I couldn't let you do it.
They're innocent. I couldn't.
( muttering )
Oh! Kipper!
Oh, Kipper! Kipper.
Kipper: I couldn't let him do it. I couldn't.
I couldn't let him do it. It isn't right.
( Kipper groaning )
What in the name of Saint Tropez is going on in here?
Mother Superior, call an ambulance!
Call the police, Father Donald.
Call the ambulance. Call the police.
- ( Kipper groaning ) - Mary: Come here.
- Oh. - ( panting )
Will you pray for me, Mary?
Will you pray for me?
Mary: You're gonna be fine, Pirate King.
Just hold on.
Statton: Mary, don't go. I've got your pendant.
Mary: It doesn't matter anyway. Forget it.
- Statton: Of course it does. - Mary: It doesn't. Look...
...when I was 18, I stowed away on a ship.
Stowed away? What year was this, 1872?
A cargo ship,
to get here, because...
this is where she lived.
Your birth mother.
And I thought she would be so excited to meet me.
Well, she refused to see me.
Left me standing at the front door.
She basically abandoned me again.
Why are you back here?
Really, why?
She's dying, Statton.
Her husband wrote me, told me he'd get me in,
that she should see me.
"Should." Should! Not "wants to."
Things are different when people are dying.
Look, I don't even think he told her I was coming.
She probably would have just rejected me
and then died right in front of me.
Ah, she-- she might no reject you.
Yes. Yes.
And that's the comfort I can live with
for the rest of my life.
I can live with uncertainty. It's my specialty.
What I can't live with is a second round of rejection.
I just can't. And why should I?
Why should I let her make me feel like shit on her deathbed?
Well, it might not feel like that.
It might feel like...
home.
How do you know?
Well, you know adventure, Mary.
Home is my forte.
Gosh.
- I'm-- - You're her...
when I first met her.
You can see her now.
She's very ill.
She'll only be able to manage a short time.
Hello.
Oh, my gosh.
( speaking Welsh )
( continuing in Welsh )
I'm sorry, I'm not very good at Welsh.
( speaking Welsh )
I don't think she knows who we are.
She doesn't know who anyone is.
She's got dementia.
Then why did you invite me
if she doesn't know who anyone is?
I worried you wouldn't come.
She can remember the past.
She gets distressed at times.
Please, I think you might help her.
You came.
I came.
David said I need to give you advice
for your honeymoon.
The only thing I can say is this,
the best marriages are those between
an ocean and a lighthouse.
Two lighthouses are boring.
Two oceans crash about.
But a lighthouse and an ocean
will last forever.
Take turns!
Let him be the ocean sometimes, darling.
Turn your lights on so he can find you.
You don't have to be the ocean all the time.
No, no, no, don't take her! Bring her back.
It's just a hot water bottle, Aurelie.
Aurelie: They've taken her! Bring her back!
- She's mine! - No, I'm her.
Aurelie, I'm her.
Make them bring her back, sister.
I'm here. It's me.
I'm her.
Say my name.
Mother.
Yes.
You're Charlotte.
I'm Charlotte.
Come with me.
I can't miss my court date.
I'll definitely keep in touch, though, eh?
Hmm.
- Take this. - Oh.
- For your legal expenses. - No.
Go put a deposit on a flat or something.
If you promise to go to the mainland one day.
One day.
( chattering )
( music playing )
Excuse me, excuse me!
Mary!
Mary.
You know you're early, right?
- What? - You're supposed to come
when I'm on the ferry.
Yell, "Stop the boat!"
Well, you know me, I'm punctual.
You know you can't really
jump in front of a bullet, right?
It was instinct.
Huh.
You are an ocean after all.
Statton.
Say my name.
Oh, uh...
Anne-Marie, Mary, Carol,
Sister Mary Catherine,
not Yvonne, Diamond Lil',
Our Lady of the Night,
Bollocks McGiven...
Charlotte.
Just call me baby.
Mary: Wait, are you wearing
your ex-wife's boyfriend's underwear?
Statton: Not today.
Mary: Well, there's a label sewn inside
that says "Dan Marks."
Statton: Oh, yeah.
Ah, I forgot to tell you.
Statton's not my real name.
( Mary laughs)
Mary: You're kidding, righ?
Statton: Am?
( music playing )