Hi. My name is Joy.
My parents named me
after the feeling they had when I was born.
That faded fast.
Peace out, bitches.
I'm good, how are you?
I love your bangs today.
I have a boyfriend too.
Is that a new baby? I love your baby.
And then he said, "I love you."
When I say, "I love you,"
what I really mean is,
"Do you love me?"
These are gonna look so hot in my coffin.
I actually wasn't always this miserable.
One time, in seventh-grade band,
I challenged Bobby Hendricks on the drums for first chair.
I fucking won.
That was the moment I peaked.
Mmm.
You know that huge, gaping hole in your soul?
Lots of people find ways to fill it up...
Drugs, booze, porn, food, gambling, shopping.
I've had my own ways.
This is Rob.
This is Greg.
This is Enrique.
But it's never enough.
I always need more.
You're the one.
You're the one!
Ooh... Oh, boy.
I'm a piece of shit.
I can't do anything right.
I couldn't even get killing myself right.
This monkey is an orphan,
separated from his mother since the day of his birth.
A soft cheesecloth pad
is his only companion
and his only comfort.
Once a day, the pad is removed for cleaning.
He may die for want of love.
Hello, we are unable
to answer the phone right now.
Please leave a message, and we'll call you back.
Hi, Mom.
It's me, Joy.
I'm just calling to see
if you wanted to do something for Mother's Day.
Doesn't have to be a big deal. We could go on a walk or...
- Hello, who's this? - Mom?
It's Joy.
Tell Dad I said hi.
Do you need money again? We can't give you any money.
No, I don't need any money.
I was just wondering if you wanted to do something
for Mother's Day on Sunday.
Oh, Mother's Day.
Your dad wants to go to Sonoma Raceway this Sunday.
Oh.
It's the Sprint Cup Series now.
You know he has to see it.
Do you have to go with him?
Mom?
Are you eating?
- Hello? - ...to make a call,
please hang up and try again.
Pierogies, please.
More pierogies!
- Action! - Today is brought to you by...
Wait, what do I-- today's show--
Today's show is brought to you by hugs, got it?
Okay, got it. All right, action.
I hug my family. I hug my dog.
I hug my best friend.
I hug a log.
-Cut! -Sorry.
Can we make sure her earwig is in?
Okay, guys, let's just hold real quick.
Okay, we're going again. Take 12 for Joy. Action.
- Yeah, love yourself! - Cut.
All right. Beautiful, beautiful.
Ben?
No, it's great. You're just so right
-for this character. -Thanks, man.
Get out of that hot suit, huh?
Everyone eventually nailed it.
- You were great. - Dang it.
Thank you very much.
Hey, man, what are you doing this weekend?
No solid plans, man. What's up?
I'm shooting a music video up in the hills.
Sick ass mansion, infinity pool.
We need a black dude for the hot tub scene.
-Oh, snap, for real? -Yeah, are you down
to take your shirt off, hang with some models?
-Hell, yeah, man. -All right, man.
It doesn't pay anything, but, uh,
they got an awesome EP. It sounds so good.
-No, thank you so much. -Hey, you killed it today.
Oh, thank you. Blessings, blessings.
Great work, great work.
I can twerk.
I took a pole dancing class once.
I could be in the music video.
Monkey, come on.
I mean, you're too cute to be a booty girl.
Hey, no, don't get mad.
Look, I got you something, all right?
Hold on.
This is my promise to you that you're mine.
You're the one.
Thank you. I love it.
Hey, are we still gonna see your mom
this weekend for Mother's Day?
-I got a new dress. -Shit.
That's the same day as the shoot.
I just can't pass up this opportunity, you know?
Not at this crucial time in my career.
Why don't you go see your mom, you know?
I love you.
I love you!
"Why don't you go see your mom for Mother's Day?"
Pierogies, please.
Babe.
Hey, babe, which one of these headshots
do you think looks more "CSI"?
That one...
Or that one?
That one... Or that one?
-That one? -Ah.
Hi, monkey.
I'm gonna make us some pancakes.
Pineapples and pancakes.
Up, up, up.
Nobody ever got famous sleeping in.
You got pierogies.
I didn't want to.
Jesus Christ.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
I don't know.
I felt abandoned.
I promise I won't do it again.
Joy... God.
I got scared that you don't really...
No, that's not gonna work anymore, Joy.
You're the one, Ben.
I want you to be the one so bad.
Yeah?
Yeah? Did you fuck him?
We're done.
Ben. Please.
Get help.
- Bonnie, sex and love addict. - Hi, Bonnie.
Rick, sex, love, and fantasy addict.
Hi, Rick.
I'm Maddie, sex and love addict.
Hi, Maddie.
Well, I, uh...
This room is very special to me
because exactly eight years ago today,
I came crawling... Uh, for the second or third time
on my hands and knees for help, right here.
My childhood was fairly textbook.
Never knew my dad, and my mom was either
working or drinking,
sometimes drinking and working,
and my brother and I were starved
for her attention and love, and she never gave it.
And sometimes we were just plain starving.
I'd dig through the change jar
and go down to the store to buy licorice.
That was the only way I could get my brother to eat.
Never really learned what a healthy relationship could be,
and I just sort of started cycling
through one bad relationship after another.
Alcoholics, addicts.
I kept thinking I could fix them, change them,
make it all better.
And then, uh...
I married one of them,
and that brought me pretty resolutely
to my very lowest low.
His needs, his happiness always came first.
It was exhausting.
And the more I gave, the emptier I became.
Then I found this room and you people,
so I thank you so much for letting me share.
Yeah.
- Joy, sex and love addict. - Hi, Joy.
Uh, this isn't my first time here.
I tried a few of these meetings,
like, a couple years ago?
I didn't think I needed it.
I thought you guys were weird.
No offense.
Anyway, I'm back because I guess I need help.
Proud of you for that.
Can't complain about that, right?
Well, thank you, thank you for everything.
Bye-bye.
Hi.
Hi. I liked what you said.
Oh, which part?
Uh, the part about getting better,
about beating the addiction.
I'm still an addict, I just learned to make better choices.
-That's a cute ring. -Thanks.
I had one like that.
We get what we think we deserve.
Hang in there.
- Wait, will you be my sponsor? - No.
-No? -I would if I could,
but I can't.
Oh.
Just keep asking. There's a lot of people
in there who want to help.
Give me your phone.
You can call me if you can't find anybody, huh?
And maybe I can introduce you
to someone who might be a good fit.
Okay. Thanks.
-I did it. -Did what?
I got help.
Oh, Joy just stop, all right?
I'm an addict, Ben. I'm sick.
Yeah, that's a pretty convenient excuse.
I... I like cereal.
Does that make me a fucking cereal addict?
Ben.
You have two days to get your stuff and move out.
God, you're so fucking hot. I want to marry you.
I like you so much.
Mmm.
You want a beer?
Uh, no thanks.
All right, so how much do we owe you?
Because I know we didn't really discuss all the, uh... Holes.
It's usually a little extra.
Here, I'll give you a little extra.
All right, hey, thanks for a great night.
I mean, Chad...
The guy was in beast mode, right?
He's gonna remember this forever.
Who's Chad?
Jeez... The groom.
Hi, Joy. It's Sam.
You missed your call time. Logan's been thinking
about this a lot. He's got to let you go, okay?
We'll put your last paycheck in the mail.
Hey, you've reached Ben. Please leave...
Hey, you've reached Ben. Please leave a...
Hello, we are unable to answer the phone.
-Hi. -Hey, it's Joy...
From the meeting.
I'm...
Will you pick me up?
Hey.
How are you?
I lost my boyfriend. I lost my apartment.
I lost my job.
Oh, and I just banged a bunch of random dudes
at the same time, and I don't remember.
I don't know what to do anymore.
I think I need help.
You have any friends you can stay with?
They're his friends.
Family?
No fucking way. My family wants
nothing to do with me.
I don't have anybody.
Why won't you sponsor me?
It's a huge commitment.
Please.
You have to save yourself. I can't do this for you.
I know.
It's gonna suck, and it's gonna feel impossible.
You're gonna want to give up,
but you can't.
You have to listen to me.
Anything you say, I will do. I promise.
There's a guest house at my grandma's,
and you can stay there for a little bit until you sober up,
get your feet on the ground.
Thank you.
There are gonna be very strict rules at Nana's house.
Rule number one: I need you to go 30 days
without contacting Ben,
and that includes all forms of social media.
-Rule number two... -Sorry.
You should not be alone with other possible partners.
No sex. No sexting.
No flirting. No intrigue.
No weird Internet stuff.
Rule number three: no masturbating.
Rule number four: keep going to meetings.
They're your lifeline,
and they will keep you on track.
All right, this time is about you.
Just you.
-Thanks, Maddie. -All right.
Yeah, all right.
Uh, the key is under the mat.
Nana's caretaker knows you're here,
but please don't disturb him.
If you need me, call me.
But only if you really need me.
Okay.
Just 30 of these. NBD.
No big D.
Me time.
Hey, babe, I'm walking home.
You know, I'm thinking of picking up
a goddamn pineapple, huh? Pineapple Fridays.
We should totally start that. That's gonna be our thing.
Um, let me know if you want anything else, all right?
I love you. Bye.
Hey, babe, I'm walking home. You know, I'm thinking
of picking up a goddamn pineapple.
Let me know if you want anything else, all right?
I love you. Bye.
Hey, babe, I'm walking home.
You know, I'm thinking of picking up
a goddamn pineapple, huh?
Pineapple Fridays. We should totally start that.
That's gonna be our thing.
I love you. Bye.
Please be Ben, please be Ben, please be Ben.
I can't do it. I just feel so crazy.
I don't know how to be anything but crazy.
I used to be crazy too.
I don't believe you.
Well, after my first six months in the program,
I went right back to my boyfriend.
That's not crazy.
And we kept getting together and breaking up.
That's not crazy.
And then I started working two jobs
so I could buy him a car,
which he totaled.
DUI.
And then we got married while he was in prison...
And while I was fucking my therapist...
And his son.
Okay, that counts.
So, what are your hobbies?
Besides crippling anxiety?
I mean, what do you like to do?
A big part of recovery is finding something to live for.
You ought to try things. Read, learn... Play.
Get curious.
Excuse me.
Excuse me. Excuse me!
Hi. You can't play those.
I'm sorry, who are you?
I live here. You can't play those.
Oh, Maddie didn't tell me you live here.
Maddie's my sister.
Oh, hi. I'm Joy. Nice to meet you.
Okay, great.
Now, please get out of my garage.
I need you to leave now.
My name is Jim.
Fucking shit. Fuck.
Hi.
Right hand on the high hat.
One, two, three, four.
Don't squeeze them with a death grip.
Hold them like baby birds.
Let them breathe.
Good.
Okay, now same beat, please, and no showboating.
What are you doing?
I said no showboating.
-I was backing you up. -No, no.
You know what? You got to go.
Go.
I think every woman I date is the woman of my dreams.
If a woman is even nice to me,
I've already pictured her in a wedding dress,
and when she does make herself available,
I just want to go find someone else.
Another fantasy.
Thanks for everyone's shares.
I really related to all of them,
so thank you.
Um...
My dad was obsessed with women.
Our garage was... Covered in centerfolds.
Naked women everywhere.
And he watched a lot of porn.
Whenever I was home alone, I'd sneak into the garage,
and I watched it.
I think I was, like, five or six
when I started doing it.
I remember, the first time I watched it, I was like,
"I don't know what the hell this is!"
But... My body felt crazy.
I wanted to watch it all the time.
I looked at all those women...
And I thought...
"That's what I want to be.
That's who my dad loves."
I don't know, whatever.
Thanks for letting me share.
Hey, you didn't tell me
your brother lives with your grandma.
He didn't bother you, did he?
No.
Well, he's got real problems, mental health issues,
and he's basically a recluse.
I'm surprised he even came out of the house.
I saw him checking the mail,
and I introduced myself to be polite.
No biggie at all.
Good.
Just leave him alone, and he'll leave you alone, okay?
That was tight.
So good.
Holy shit, that was tight.
We got to record that next time.
Yeah.
My recording setup is pretty lo-fi, you know, but it sounds good.
I can add some reverb, dip the treble.
Yeah, yeah, verb the trebs.
What's your grandma like?
Nana? She's cool.
She basically raised me and Maddie.
She takes care of me. I take care of her.
It's a symbiotic relationship.
She likes watching musicals
and enjoys the works of Shakespeare.
What else do you want to know?
I'm hungry. You want to eat?
Keep the change, my man.
Come on, let's eat at the table inside.
Oh...
I probably shouldn't go in your house.
I promised myself I'd only go as far as this garage.
You really like orange juice.
I love orange juice.
So you're in 12-step with my sister?
Mm-hmm.
Is she your sponsor?
Yeah.
Do you like her?
Yeah.
-Do you? -What?
Do you like her?
Yes.
You're not hungry?
It's been really hard to eat... And sleep,
and, like, be a human being.
Everything's a fucking trigger.
What does that mean?
Trigger?
Uh, something that intensely makes you feel a feeling
that you really don't want to feel.
It makes you react compulsively.
Oh, I have a lot of triggers then.
Exactly.
The whole fucking world is a trigger.
I know. I'm triggered by everything.
I'm triggered by pancakes.
Pancakes?
My boyfriend...
Ex-boyfriend made good pancakes.
I'm triggered by family, sad songs...
Pierogies.
I could see that.
What is happening right now? What are you doing?
Nana taught us to do that when we were little.
She said, "Cookies don't create my fortune.
"I create my fortune."
And she taught us that there are many
much better tasting cookies in the world,
and we shouldn't waste our dessert on a shit cookie.
Nana's amazing.
I know. She's cool.
You're cool.
I'm glad Maddie's sponsoring again.
I didn't think she would.
Why?
Well, she used to sponsor this girl Kelly.
She stayed here too.
Oh, really? What happened?
She killed herself.
She was a really nice person too.
Nana's about to wake up from her nap.
Her naps are always two hours long.
Not a minute less, not a minute more.
How'd she do it?
What?
How'd she kill herself?
Oh, she just took a bunch of pills
and passed out in the bathtub.
Pretty standard stuff.
Hi, Kelly.
It's me, Joy.
I don't want to be weird. I just wanted to say hi...
And I'm sorry, and...
I get you.
I'm gonna try harder for the both of us, okay?
How did it sound?
I think we got it.
I can do it faster.
Do you want me to?
Hey, can I ask you something?
Why did Kelly kill herself?
How can I answer that?
I mean... Did you have any sense of what was wrong?
No.
Did she give you any warning signs?
Maybe she knew she was terminally ill.
Maybe she was bored. Maybe she got dumped
and was sad like you.
Well... Nana's still sleeping.
What are you doing right now?
I hope so.
Bobby certainly has taken charge of those boys.
"I'm just a helpless woman
"with no self-worth because society says I'm nothing
"unless a man saves me.
"Save me, save me!
"Your breath smells like farts, but save me."
"These mouth farts are just for you, my dear.
"My mother never ever loved me,
"but you look just like her so I'll take it."
-Trigger. -What?
Trigger.
You like this show?
Love yourself.
-Happy-Happy loves you. -I'm sorry.
You didn't say trigger.
That was Ben.
Who's Ben?
My boyfriend. My ex-boyfriend.
The hedgehog?
Yeah.
Your ex-boyfriend is a fuzzy hedgehog?
You got dumped by a hedgehog?
Joy, come on. It's okay.
No, it isn't.
He's clearly a loser. You could do better than that.
It's okay. It's okay.
Come on, stop being a baby and just get over it.
I can't just get over it.
I wouldn't need to be here if I could just get over it.
Yeah, you can.
Maybe if you weren't so self-centered,
you'd realize the world has much bigger problems.
So just let go and move on already.
I'm sure he has.
You're an asshole.
I am strong.
I am smart.
I am beautiful.
I am enough for this moment.
"I am Happy-Happy, and I'm a fucking douchebag."
I am a good person.
I am a pizza.
Joy?
You know, I can see you.
Joy, do you want a popsicle that's made
of American flag colors?
I can't.
Oh.
I'm busy.
Yeah, okay.
Thanks!
Okay, let's get you out, Nana.
Today is August 19, 1998.
It's 1:33 a.m.
I'm so sorry.
What are you doing?
-No one's heard these. -Don't!
-They're gonna be buried with me. -Don't do that!
So what do you think?
About what?
The song.
I thought it was beautiful.
Do you want to see something?
-Hey. -Hey.
It's so cool you're keeping up with the painting.
Oh, yeah, just messing around.
I was just dropping off my nana's meds,
so I thought I'd check in and see you're doing.
How you doing?
I'm good.
No contact with Ben, right?
None.
No acting out at all?
Nope. Totally clean.
I guess I'll go see my nana.
And Jim.
Jim and I are taking a break from each other right now.
My sponsor suggested it.
I am proud of you.
Thanks.
"Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
"And summer's lease hath all too short a date.
"Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines."
I need to talk to Nana.
Hi, Nana.
Hey.
Hi. It's Maddie.
Hi.
We could also just be J and J,
and "All The Way" could be the name of our first album.
Oh... I don't know.
I haven't really thought about us as an actual band.
Kind of pursuing my solo thing, you know?
Thanks, though. You're a really good artist.
Let's start with "Here's to the Trigger," yeah?
All right. One, two, one, two...
All right, what's wrong?
Come on, Joy, what?
So why do we need to know about this?
Mom, I told you.
I just want you to know who I am.
I want you in my life.
I've been working really hard on being really honest
and looking at my patterns
and talking to people about it.
I'm not the only one. There are other people
out there just like me with the same addictions.
We all just want love
and intimacy and connection, but...
We don't know how to get it without hurting ourselves.
No one showed us how.
It's okay.
I'll make you spaghetti. Your favorite.
Your Uncle Louie was an addict.
Couldn't stop buying hats.
I enjoy reading books, writing,
and playing the piano.
But most of all, I love dancing.
It was so crazy.
I could really see my parents, you know what I mean?
They'll never be what I want them to be.
I can stop expecting them to be somebody else.
They're human beings
who have no idea what they're doing, just like me.
One, two...
I feel really stupid right now,
like you're not getting it.
I get it, Joy. I just want to play.
Do you get it? I don't think you get it.
I get it.
-Do you though? -I get it.
Do you even realize how long you've been talking?
Oh. Okay.
Let's play now.
Are you acting out? Is this acting out?
Stop.
I get it, Joy! I get it!
My dad was drunk and left us.
My mom was miserable and left us.
My sister won't talk to me. I miss her.
I'm wearing my underwear inside out
because I don't care enough about myself to do laundry,
so, yeah... I get it.
This morning, I woke up thinking
I was holding someone's hand...
But it was just my other hand.
Sometimes I sleep with a phone book on top of me
because it feels like love.
I can't eat Gummy Bears
because I think they have feelings.
You're my friend.
Are you asking me or are you telling me?
You're my friend, Jim.
I'm just saying.
Yeah.
You're my friend.
Weirdo.
You ready to play now?
Yeah.
I wrote a song.
What the fuck is this?
Maddie, we're just friends.
I'm so stupid.
I came by to congratulate you on all your progress.
What the hell are you doing?
Oh, so it's okay to talk to me now?
Did you make sure your sponsor's cool with it
or are you breaking one of the rules right now?
You told me you were committed to taking care of Nana.
Here we go.
If you can't handle it, you need to tell me.
She's napping, Maddie. She's fine.
If you can't do it, Jim,
we're gonna have to put her in a home.
This is her fucking home!
Oh, you are so selfish.
This is about what Nana needs, not you.
You have no fucking idea what she needs!
You're so wrapped up in your own personal tragedy
and your 12-step cult,
you don't see anything outside of that anymore.
You've checked out of this family
a long fucking time ago.
Joy, tell me the truth.
Are you two sleeping together?
You think you know everything, but you don't.
Nana is doing great, and so am I.
Not everyone needs saving. We're happy here.
Oh, of course you are. You have a new girlfriend.
She's not my girlfriend, you asshole.
I don't even think she's cute.
You're self destructing. You know that.
There are rules to follow, and if you don't,
you will end up right back where you started,
and it will feel so much worse.
I'm not like Kelly, okay?
You don't have to worry.
Hey, don't mind Maddie. She's crazy.
-Thanks. -Mm-hmm, yeah.
-Have a nice day. -Hey.
Hey.
How are you?
Good. How are you?
Good.
-Good... Good. -That's good.
I've, uh...
Been thinking about you a lot recently.
Yeah, I've been thinking about you too.
Um...
What are you doing right now?
Are... Are you busy?
Uh, no.
Um, I'm just shopping for balloons
because I'm supposed to love myself
and do things like that now.
-Um... -Okay.
How about you?
I am getting some glow sticks
for Logan's warehouse rave.
Nice.
Yeah.
Oh, God.
So what else is new?
Um...
I'm in a band.
Yeah?
Oh, cool.
Yeah, I'm, uh, you know,
glad we've both been doing our own thing, you know?
I've got some stuff going on too, so I definitely, you know,
I think we should keep that going.
It's cute you're in a band though.
Uh, you're not singing?
'Cause we've seen you at karaoke, 'cause...
No, I'm just saying, you know,
you always try to... Monkey...
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
Your balloons! You...
Hey.
I made this for you.
See you.
Who was that?
I have no idea.
What happened to 30 days?
I ran into Ben at the party store.
I told him I was in a band.
And then you fucked some random dude?
Yeah, I know.
I'm the worst person in the world.
No.
But you're acting really stupid.
I get it. I'm stupid, okay?
Why would you even care?
I thought we were friends.
We're not friends, you idiot. I love you.
No, you don't.
Yeah, I do.
No, you need to grow up. You're a fucking lunatic baby.
Oh, really? Takes one to know one.
That's what babies say.
You need to need to fucking grow up.
Look at yourself. Look at me.
We ruin people's lives. That's who we are!
Let's get out of each other's lives and save ourselves.
I'm eating this cake.
Hi, you've reached Maddie. Leave a message.
I'll get back to you as soon as I can.
Hey, Maddie, it's Joy.
I relapsed.
Not with Jim...
With Ben and some other people.
You were right.
It's worse than before.
I'm so sorry for everything.
You've been nothing but kind to me.
When I said I'm not like Kelly, I just meant...
I'm not going anywhere, okay?
I promise.
Thank you for everything you've done for me.
Sorry. Sorry.
Sorry.
Not sorry.
Jim?
Oh, hi.
Do you know where Jim is?
What are you watching?
I gotta go.
It was nice meeting you.
What was that?
Jim?
Oh, let me help.
Thanks.
All righty.
I know you're not like Kelly.
What was she like?
Oh, she was... Complicated.
And awesome,
and she had a great big heart, just like you,
But she didn't have the strength you have.
She was not gonna make it through the darkest moments,
but I know you will,
I think about her all the time.
It keeps me going.
Yeah, me too.
She was lucky to have you.
Thanks.
Pretty crazy how we can go through a bunch of stuff
and not die.
Time doesn't exist,
and five-year-old you is cheering you on.
So, is there anybody here today
who has one-month of sobriety?
Congratulations.
Three months?
Six months?
Nine months?
One year?
Hey.
I did it.
You did it.
Now, the next time I see you
we're gonna have to start talking about a dating plan.
That sounds terrible.
Oh, it is. And then it's not.
Listen, I want to thank you for something.
Thank me?
Jim and I, we love each other so much.
We've always been the only other stable person
in each other's lives.
I almost really fucked that up...
And we're so good now, I...
I just wanted to thank you
for helping me find my brother again.
I love you, Maddie.
I love you too, Joy.
- Please. - Come on.
Ah!
"Here's to the Trigger" sounded so tight
with the synth you added.
So tight.
Did you like the hand claps?
Loved the hand claps.
Were the sirens at the end too much?
I would normally roll my eyes at sirens,
but you layered them in there so gracefully,
I hardly knew what the sound was.
You're really talented.
Thank you.
How are you?
I'm good. Mm-hmm.
How are you?
I'm good.
How are you really?
"How are you really?"
Good. I said I'm good.
I mean, you know, I missed you.
My music got so much better playing with you,
and it was fun.
I missed you too.
I play acoustic sets
at the Pig and Whistle now every Sunday.
Nobody pays attention, but I don't care.
And Maddie and her boyfriend eat dinner
with me and Nana once a week.
Pretty cool.
Oh, I started making waffles
with the waffle iron that I purchased.
That's fucking awesome.
It really is.
I think we're gonna be okay.
We are okay. Both of us.
God.
Ah.
You wanna play?
Yeah.