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Subhadip Malakar presents
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I'm telling you,
everything means something.
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No, everything does not
mean something, okay?
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Sometimes a movie
is just a movie.
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Sometimes a song
is just a song,
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sometimes a joke
is just a joke.
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Remember those, jokes?
Yeah, I remember 'em.
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Okay. So lighten up. We
have a black president now.
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A little bit. Just a little excited.
Half black! Half black!
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And whenever something
goes well in the country,
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the white people go, "oh, the
president's doing such a great job."
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And then whenever there's
a problem, it's like,
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"that nigga's
ruining everything!"
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Nope. We are going to have
a woman president next and
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she is going to be latina.
Yeah? Ooh, okay.
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And she might even be gay.
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And we'll have an Asian president.
Oh, a balanced budget.
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And we will have another
handicapped president.
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Okay, hold on. We're not gonna
have a handicapped president.
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We already had one.
No, no. I'm talking about
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out-the-closet
handicapped president.
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He was out of the closet. What is wrong...
Okay. That...
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Hey, hey.
Don't get me wrong.
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People knew that
he was handicapped.
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No, I got nothing
against the handicapped,
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but everybody's not
as liberal as me, okay?
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The media wasn't better then.
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I mean, you "run" for president,
you don't "roll" for president.
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Like, you'll "run" a campaign,
you don't "roll" a campaign.
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You are horrible.
I'm not horrible.
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That is sick.
What is wrong with you?
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I'm the one voting for the Mexican
lesbian handicapped president.
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Oh, my God.
You know what?
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People are more accepting now.
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It is literally rough
for women, okay?
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But I am hopeful, because
people are changing, okay?
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You need to wake up
and smell the progress.
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No, no, no, no.
You need to wake up, okay?
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Wake up and smell the progress.
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Nothing's changed.
Yes!
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Black man trying to get
a cab in New York City.
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Ha-ha. Watch this bullshit.
What's up, hammy!
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Black man trying to get a cab.
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Look at this! Ha, ha.
Taxi, taxi!
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Taxi, taxi! Yeah.
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at this special edition
of my program
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at this great university.
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In 2005, time magazine
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voted today's guest "the
funniest man in America."
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By 2010,
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the former stand-up
had hit it big
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with a string
of blockbuster movies,
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including hammy the bear
1, 2 and 3.
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All right, Sanchez,
here's the plan.
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I need you to get that box
of guns across the street.
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We don't got time for that.
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Sanchez, you got
plenty of time.
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You got hammy time!
Now go!
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It's hammy time!
It's hammy time!
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It's hammy time!
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It's hammy time!
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When you were in school,
were you the class clown?
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When's the next hammy movie?
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And after
some run-ins with the law
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due to a battle
with alcoholism...
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I mean, I was at this
restaurant the other day,
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and I saw this guy
drink half a beer.
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And I was like, wow,
how the hell he do that?
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Do you think you're ever
gonna go back to stand-up?
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I am past stand-up.
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I've done it.
I had fun with it.
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Here's the thing.
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To me, there's nothing better
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than the first day
your movie comes out,
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and sneaking into
the back of a theater,
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and just watching people
enjoy themselves.
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Did you lose your taste
though for comedy?
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I want to make
uplifting entertainment.
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I wanna make...
Like uprize?
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Like uprize. I want to make
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thought-provoking
entertainment.
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Opening today, you can see him
play the Haitian revolutionary
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Dutty Boukman in
his new movie, uprize.
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And you can also
see him getting married
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to reality star Erica long
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on bravo.
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Hi!
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Look who's here.
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Hi, doll.
Hey, beautiful.
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Hey, would you mind getting in
on the other side of the car
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and then exiting this side?
Please, it's for the show.
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Fuck you, Benny.
I'm not on your show.
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No, you are on the show,
you're just not getting paid.
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Guys, play nice, please.
I always play nice.
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It's not me.
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Mr. groom, baby,
we are almost there.
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We've got three more days
and then we're married.
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You happy?
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I'm happy. I'm just
a little stressed out
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from this movie. That's all.
Oh...
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Why are you stressed?
Baby, you did great work.
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I know. I know.
You murdered that role.
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Thank you. Thank you.
Okay?
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Where's my kiss?
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Do we have to
do this on camera?
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Let's just get off camera.
Let's go back in the car.
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If it's not on camera,
it doesn't exist.
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Our thanks to Andre Allen!
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Hammy! Hammy!
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You know,
today's one of those days
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I feel like having a drink.
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Not funny.
Don't talk like that.
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And I don't feel like
getting you out of jail.
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Don't worry,
no slip-ups.
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Hey.
Thanks.
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You know, I can't wait to see the
movie play in a theater later!
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It's gonna be packed.
Oh.
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It's gonna be something else.
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I can't wait.
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Ooh, I love me a big girl.
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You moving with confidence.
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Mmm.
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Oh, by the way,
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Erica wants you to wear
a red shirt on the plane,
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and when you get off, she will have
a camera crew waiting for you.
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Camera crew, red shirt.
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Able to find me amongst
the sea of niggas
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getting off of private jets?
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Okay, whatever, man. Let's
move on to the next interview.
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Next interview?
I thought I was done
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until xm and the junket.
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Well, Charles just
texted me this one.
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They need you for a few hours.
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A wyclef movie is hard to sell.
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Everybody in the barber shop
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wants to see you
in that bear costume.
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They love you in
that bear costume.
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You gotta wear it, baby.
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Yeah, but they can't
even see my face.
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But they feeling you, son.
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I told you, I don't feel like
doing funny movies anymore.
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I don't feel funny.
We talked about this.
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Save some of that stuff
for your times interview.
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Times? Fuck the times.
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You act like you've never
had a bad review before.
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I could take one,
but every one?
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"Every one," really?
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Come on, man.
Look at this shit.
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"Andre Allen is the most
pathetic character
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"in cinema today."
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"If he ever put out
another movie,
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"I would not see it
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"if it was playing
in my glasses."
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Why the fuck would somebody
say some shit like that?
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That's James Nielson.
That's what he does.
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He's a critic.
And he won't show his face.
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No, fuck James Nielson.
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He's been ripping my shit
apart for years.
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The next one's a chick.
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She just wants to do
a profile piece on you.
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And I think she's
a big fan of yours.
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Fuck the times.
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You're gonna do this, okay?
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I'm not going to go back and
forth with you about this.
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We talked about it.
It's the New York times.
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Do you hear me?
The New York times!
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That movie crossbusters,
what'd I say to you, Andre?
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That little baseball movie,
what I say to you, Andre?
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You said it wasn't a good idea.
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Now, when you tell me
you wanted to do that movie
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about the Haitian revolution,
Andre, what'd I say to you?
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You said it wasn't
a good idea, okay?
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No. No, no, no, no,
you're wrong, Andre.
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That's not what I said. I
said, "nigga, is you crazy?"
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I emailed it!
I sent the email out
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with a bunch of racial slurs
and bad English
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to my own company account!
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The reason why I did it, Andre,
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was 'cause
I wanted to be on file
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to show people
that I was against this!
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I was against this project!
I... I jeopardized my job.
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You know that?
I almost ruined my job.
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What are you talking about?
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A nigga can't get fired
for saying "nigga" to a nigga.
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You've never been more wrong.
A nigga can...
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A nigga can get fired
for saying "nigga" to a nigga.
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A nigga don't run
this damn company.
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Matter of fact,
if niggas at this company
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found out that I was using
the word nigga in here,
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my black ass would be
on the street.
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I guess you're right, nigga,
but I don't want to do this.
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I hate the times.
Everything I do, they trash.
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00:08:06,119 --> 00:08:09,688
Look, Andre, they're gonna
write the story anyway.
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00:08:09,690 --> 00:08:12,057
And I mean, it's hard enough
getting you a job as it is.
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I mean, it's not like everybody's
knocking on your door for work.
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00:08:13,894 --> 00:08:15,894
It's really hard to get you work.
You know that, I know that.
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00:08:15,896 --> 00:08:19,998
Are you kidding me? Listen, Andre,
the wedding is the best thing
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that you got going right now.
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00:08:21,068 --> 00:08:22,534
And let's be honest.
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Andre, if this thing flops,
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00:08:24,104 --> 00:08:25,670
we could be talking
dancing with the stars, man.
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00:08:25,672 --> 00:08:27,172
Dancing with the fucking stars?
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00:08:27,174 --> 00:08:28,507
Yes. Dancing with the stars.
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00:08:28,509 --> 00:08:29,875
That's where
you're at right now.
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00:08:29,877 --> 00:08:32,544
Is follow you around
for one day.
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00:08:32,546 --> 00:08:34,279
Let them follow you around!
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00:08:34,281 --> 00:08:35,647
You know,
if I get the word out,
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00:08:35,649 --> 00:08:37,516
this movie could
still be a big hit.
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00:08:37,518 --> 00:08:39,618
It could be like
a Haitian Django.
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If you say so, Andre,
then yes. Hold on. Hold on.
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00:08:41,889 --> 00:08:43,722
Hey! Hey! Hey!
212
00:08:43,724 --> 00:08:44,923
What is going on?
Where's everyone running to?
213
00:08:44,925 --> 00:08:46,958
Zoolander's in
the conference room!
214
00:08:46,960 --> 00:08:48,159
Ben stiller's in
the conference...
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00:08:48,161 --> 00:08:50,028
These white people
don't tell me shit!
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00:08:50,030 --> 00:08:52,230
Yo, silk! Where's the car?
217
00:08:52,798 --> 00:08:54,599
It's in range.
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00:08:54,601 --> 00:08:56,668
Hey, how'd it go
with Charlie rose?
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00:08:57,537 --> 00:08:58,737
Chelsea brown.
220
00:08:59,272 --> 00:09:00,639
From the times.
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00:09:00,641 --> 00:09:02,607
Yes, from the times.
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00:09:02,609 --> 00:09:05,644
How'd it go? I thought you
were supposed to be watching.
223
00:09:05,646 --> 00:09:07,779
You a real journalist,
or like miss Detroit?
224
00:09:07,781 --> 00:09:09,214
Funny.
225
00:09:09,216 --> 00:09:11,149
Look, they just told me that
you're gonna be doing this.
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I'm sorry if I'm late.
227
00:09:12,719 --> 00:09:13,919
Congratulations on the wedding.
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00:09:13,921 --> 00:09:15,320
And the movie.
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00:09:15,322 --> 00:09:16,721
You know, some friends and I
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00:09:16,723 --> 00:09:18,924
saw you a few years back
at purchase.
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00:09:18,926 --> 00:09:22,561
Thank you very much
for doing this interview.
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00:09:22,563 --> 00:09:23,995
Why, 'cause your boy
James Nielson
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00:09:23,997 --> 00:09:25,564
said he wouldn't watch
my next movie
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00:09:25,566 --> 00:09:27,132
if it was playing
in his glasses?
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00:09:27,733 --> 00:09:28,867
James.
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00:09:28,869 --> 00:09:33,271
Hey, who would have thought Google
would have made that possible, right?
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00:09:33,273 --> 00:09:34,906
Look, you're about
a half hour late.
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00:09:34,908 --> 00:09:36,975
If I were you,
I would get started.
239
00:09:36,977 --> 00:09:40,145
Okay. I just need
to go home first.
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00:09:40,147 --> 00:09:42,280
They just told me
that we were doing this.
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00:09:42,282 --> 00:09:43,882
I don't have my recorder.
242
00:09:43,884 --> 00:09:46,184
Recorder?
What are you, Lois Lane?
243
00:09:46,186 --> 00:09:48,320
Just use your phone.
No, you don't understand.
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00:09:48,322 --> 00:09:49,588
I... I can't do an
interview without it.
245
00:09:49,590 --> 00:09:50,870
It's kind of my thing.
I'm sorry.
246
00:10:00,333 --> 00:10:01,600
You take these?
247
00:10:02,001 --> 00:10:03,368
Uh...
248
00:10:03,970 --> 00:10:05,070
Yes.
249
00:10:07,306 --> 00:10:08,640
They're good.
250
00:10:08,642 --> 00:10:10,308
I do photography
on the side.
251
00:10:10,310 --> 00:10:12,277
I do a little poetry
on the side,
252
00:10:12,279 --> 00:10:13,778
I do a little music
on the side.
253
00:10:13,780 --> 00:10:15,246
That's nice.
254
00:10:15,248 --> 00:10:16,715
It's always good to make sure
255
00:10:16,717 --> 00:10:19,951
you never get too good
at any one thing.
256
00:10:19,953 --> 00:10:21,086
Okay,
I'm almost done.
257
00:10:21,088 --> 00:10:22,220
I just need to change
really quickly.
258
00:10:22,222 --> 00:10:23,388
I'm gonna surprise my boyfriend
259
00:10:23,390 --> 00:10:25,790
for his birthday.
A word of advice.
260
00:10:25,792 --> 00:10:27,092
Never surprise anyone.
261
00:10:27,094 --> 00:10:28,693
Why?
262
00:10:28,695 --> 00:10:31,696
Hey, I call my mother
before I go over,
263
00:10:31,698 --> 00:10:33,698
'cause I don't want to
walk in there one day
264
00:10:33,700 --> 00:10:35,934
and catch her hugging up
on some other kid!
265
00:10:35,936 --> 00:10:38,770
Hi. Are you going to marry
princess Erica on TV?
266
00:10:39,338 --> 00:10:40,405
Can I see your phone?
267
00:10:43,109 --> 00:10:44,976
Did you have a baby
when you were 10?
268
00:10:44,978 --> 00:10:47,679
Don't take
his phone. Mom?
269
00:10:47,681 --> 00:10:49,781
Okay, what are you doing
with my phone?
270
00:10:49,783 --> 00:10:51,249
Playing angry birds.
271
00:10:51,251 --> 00:10:53,184
But I don't have angry birds.
272
00:10:53,186 --> 00:10:54,686
You do now.
273
00:10:54,688 --> 00:10:57,055
Grace? Go finish
your work, Mamita.
274
00:10:57,057 --> 00:10:58,823
And give the man
back his phone.
275
00:11:00,059 --> 00:11:01,693
Hi.
Hi.
276
00:11:01,695 --> 00:11:03,328
I'm Gladys, Chelsea's mother.
277
00:11:03,330 --> 00:11:06,131
Are you ready for the big day?
278
00:11:06,133 --> 00:11:08,299
Oh, the wedding.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
279
00:11:08,301 --> 00:11:10,702
You're so lucky
you found someone.
280
00:11:10,704 --> 00:11:13,004
I hear that being a cougar
is a big thing,
281
00:11:13,006 --> 00:11:15,707
but I can't find anybody
that wants to be coughed.
282
00:11:15,709 --> 00:11:16,841
So, I read this stuff
283
00:11:16,843 --> 00:11:18,109
to try to better
understand men.
284
00:11:18,111 --> 00:11:19,411
Listen to this.
285
00:11:19,413 --> 00:11:21,680
"Men love it
when you gently..."
286
00:11:21,682 --> 00:11:24,349
"...lick their..."
Okay, no more cosmo.
287
00:11:24,351 --> 00:11:26,084
Wait a minute. I thought
you wrote this one.
288
00:11:26,086 --> 00:11:27,719
Wait, wait, get out of here.
289
00:11:27,721 --> 00:11:29,354
So... so you are
a real journalist.
290
00:11:29,356 --> 00:11:31,456
I'm sorry, I didn't
know it was a secret.
291
00:11:31,458 --> 00:11:33,358
Shakira Simmons? What's that?
Your stripper name?
292
00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:34,893
Shakara Simmons.
293
00:11:34,895 --> 00:11:37,829
I don't use my real name
for the Fluffy stuff.
294
00:11:37,831 --> 00:11:41,366
Okay, I found my flip,
and we can go now.
295
00:11:41,368 --> 00:11:43,802
So what's up with
all this cinderella stuff?
296
00:11:43,804 --> 00:11:46,004
Um,
those are my daughter's.
297
00:11:46,006 --> 00:11:49,140
A little girl's reading
the cinderella effect.
298
00:11:49,142 --> 00:11:51,276
Okay, that one's mine.
Okay.
299
00:11:51,278 --> 00:11:53,211
Don't you think it's kinda odd
300
00:11:53,213 --> 00:11:55,480
that a grown woman
is still into cinderella?
301
00:11:55,482 --> 00:11:58,383
That a grown man is still
into the Yankees?
302
00:11:58,385 --> 00:12:00,985
Yes, but the Yankees
are a real team.
303
00:12:00,987 --> 00:12:03,455
A-rod is real? Okay, you
got me on that one.
304
00:12:04,924 --> 00:12:06,157
And for your information,
305
00:12:06,159 --> 00:12:08,026
my daughter is working
on a school project.
306
00:12:08,028 --> 00:12:10,962
You know, where they have to
rewrite a classical story
307
00:12:10,964 --> 00:12:13,198
and she's doing one on
the real cinderella.
308
00:12:14,066 --> 00:12:15,900
According to my child,
309
00:12:15,902 --> 00:12:19,471
cinderella was born a nanny
in the Bronx in 1995, okay?
310
00:12:19,473 --> 00:12:21,806
Her mama was a nanny and her secret
father was the mean white landlord,
311
00:12:21,808 --> 00:12:25,310
Cinderella had to do all the
things that a nanny has to do,
312
00:12:25,312 --> 00:12:27,946
she had to cook and clean, and
do everything for her sisters.
313
00:12:27,948 --> 00:12:30,749
And then one day,
prince came into town
314
00:12:30,751 --> 00:12:33,318
and was doing a concert that
everyone wanted to attend.
315
00:12:33,320 --> 00:12:34,886
But the landlord
forbid her to go,
316
00:12:34,888 --> 00:12:37,756
so she waited
until her sisters left,
317
00:12:37,758 --> 00:12:39,090
and then snuck into the concert
318
00:12:39,092 --> 00:12:40,759
and was the prettiest
girl there.
319
00:12:40,761 --> 00:12:42,327
Prince didn't want to hang
with anyone else,
320
00:12:42,329 --> 00:12:43,528
and then she noticed that
her sisters were leaving
321
00:12:43,530 --> 00:12:45,163
and she knew she had to go.
322
00:12:45,165 --> 00:12:46,798
But she also knew
323
00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:48,366
that she wanted
to see prince again.
324
00:12:48,368 --> 00:12:50,401
So, she did what girls do
325
00:12:50,403 --> 00:12:52,170
when they want
to see a guy again.
326
00:12:52,172 --> 00:12:53,104
Hand job?
327
00:12:55,407 --> 00:12:58,309
She left something.
328
00:12:58,311 --> 00:13:01,112
Only two days
until the wedding spectacular.
329
00:13:01,114 --> 00:13:02,981
The jury's still out on
which shoes Erica will wear.
330
00:13:02,983 --> 00:13:05,283
So were you the class clown
growing up?
331
00:13:05,285 --> 00:13:07,085
Class clown?
332
00:13:07,087 --> 00:13:08,953
Is that why we went back
to get this recorder,
333
00:13:08,955 --> 00:13:12,824
so you can ask me
if I was the class clown?
334
00:13:12,826 --> 00:13:14,325
Look, I am really sorry
to break it to you,
335
00:13:14,327 --> 00:13:16,261
but not everybody knows
your origin story.
336
00:13:16,263 --> 00:13:17,796
You know what?
337
00:13:17,798 --> 00:13:19,798
Why don't you just skip
the hack questions
338
00:13:19,800 --> 00:13:21,266
and go right to something good?
339
00:13:21,268 --> 00:13:23,802
All right. Good questions, huh?
340
00:13:23,804 --> 00:13:25,804
How come you're
not funny anymore?
341
00:13:25,806 --> 00:13:27,539
And what's up
with this wedding?
342
00:13:27,541 --> 00:13:29,374
I mean, it seems
really out of control.
343
00:13:29,376 --> 00:13:31,576
Who the fuck are you?
344
00:13:31,578 --> 00:13:34,813
You don't know me.
Are you my agent?
345
00:13:34,815 --> 00:13:38,416
You had your kid so young you guys share
math class, and you're judging me?
346
00:13:38,418 --> 00:13:40,518
You're asking me
if my relationship
347
00:13:40,520 --> 00:13:42,954
with my fiancee is real.
Yes.
348
00:13:42,956 --> 00:13:44,823
Wait, hold on a second.
349
00:13:45,591 --> 00:13:46,958
It's my career move.
350
00:13:46,960 --> 00:13:48,092
Oh, go on.
351
00:13:49,229 --> 00:13:50,962
Hey, honey.
352
00:13:50,964 --> 00:13:52,230
Hey, baby.
What's going on?
353
00:13:52,232 --> 00:13:53,364
Yeah, no.
I'm here at the place.
354
00:13:53,366 --> 00:13:55,066
And it looks sick.
355
00:13:55,068 --> 00:13:58,436
It's like epic, babe,
it's epic. It's a story.
356
00:13:58,438 --> 00:14:01,406
And I'm looking at
head shots of flower girls.
357
00:14:01,408 --> 00:14:03,041
Whoa, she's got buck teeth.
358
00:14:03,043 --> 00:14:05,109
Is my stand-in
as nervous as I am?
359
00:14:05,111 --> 00:14:07,278
Oh, stop it. Everything
looks just great, okay?
360
00:14:07,280 --> 00:14:09,347
I just wish
you were here to see it.
361
00:14:09,349 --> 00:14:13,885
It's going okay when
they ask about the movie.
362
00:14:13,887 --> 00:14:15,854
Baby, don't worry
about what they're saying.
363
00:14:15,856 --> 00:14:17,055
Your movie is
way over their heads.
364
00:14:17,057 --> 00:14:21,025
No, not yet.
I'm running a little late.
365
00:14:21,027 --> 00:14:22,493
I look bad,
you look bad.
366
00:14:22,495 --> 00:14:23,735
Champagne, Mr. Allen?
367
00:14:26,465 --> 00:14:28,600
Are you gonna drink that,
Mr. ankle bracelet?
368
00:14:28,602 --> 00:14:30,268
I always say yes.
369
00:14:30,270 --> 00:14:32,637
'Cause whenever you say no,
people want an explanation.
370
00:14:32,639 --> 00:14:34,172
Yeah, I'm the same way
with meth.
371
00:14:34,174 --> 00:14:35,940
I just take it.
372
00:14:35,942 --> 00:14:38,309
Is it true that Erica
helped you get clean?
373
00:14:38,311 --> 00:14:40,211
Do you even know
what my movie's about?
374
00:14:40,213 --> 00:14:42,080
It's about dutty Boukman,
375
00:14:42,082 --> 00:14:44,482
a self-educated slave
who, once in Haiti,
376
00:14:44,484 --> 00:14:46,084
became one of the leaders
of the revolution
377
00:14:46,086 --> 00:14:48,519
where Haitian slaves
killed over 50,000 whites.
378
00:14:48,521 --> 00:14:50,622
Yay, dead white people.
379
00:14:50,624 --> 00:14:52,257
Dutty did not shut up
and play nice.
380
00:14:52,259 --> 00:14:53,992
You know, normally,
after someone says
381
00:14:53,994 --> 00:14:55,960
they saw your movie,
382
00:14:55,962 --> 00:14:59,564
they give you some sort
of opinion, you know...
383
00:14:59,566 --> 00:15:02,433
They go, "oh, I saw your movie
and I thought it was good."
384
00:15:02,435 --> 00:15:04,936
And you know, sometimes they don't
like your movie and they go,
385
00:15:04,938 --> 00:15:07,005
"I saw your movie and I
thought it was interesting."
386
00:15:07,007 --> 00:15:09,607
Yeah, it was interesting
how you ended the movie
387
00:15:09,609 --> 00:15:11,142
before you showed
388
00:15:11,144 --> 00:15:12,644
how the French
had cut his head off
389
00:15:12,646 --> 00:15:17,048
But I'd like to ask you
this question first.
390
00:15:17,050 --> 00:15:20,051
How do you think being sober
has affected your career?
391
00:15:20,386 --> 00:15:21,586
It hasn't.
392
00:15:23,455 --> 00:15:27,091
Uh, I think it has.
I know it has.
393
00:15:27,093 --> 00:15:29,027
I mean, really. What do
you know about sobriety?
394
00:15:29,029 --> 00:15:31,462
What do I know about sobriety?
Uh, what don't I know?
395
00:15:31,464 --> 00:15:33,097
"God grant me the serenity
396
00:15:33,099 --> 00:15:34,999
"to accept the things
I cannot change...
397
00:15:35,001 --> 00:15:36,434
"...The courage
to change the things I can
398
00:15:36,436 --> 00:15:39,337
"and the wisdom
to not smoke crack."
399
00:15:39,339 --> 00:15:40,705
Yeah.
Yeah.
400
00:15:40,707 --> 00:15:44,108
Is that more research,
or are you in recovery?
401
00:15:45,444 --> 00:15:46,577
Four years.
402
00:15:47,613 --> 00:15:50,148
Four years?
I'm four years.
403
00:15:50,150 --> 00:15:52,550
I drank everything,
it didn't matter.
404
00:15:52,552 --> 00:15:54,052
It got really bad
when I started
405
00:15:54,054 --> 00:15:55,520
guzzling hand sanitizer.
406
00:15:55,522 --> 00:15:58,122
Hand sanitizer? Whoo!
407
00:15:58,124 --> 00:16:01,092
Did you ever drink sterno?
What the fuck is sterno?
408
00:16:01,094 --> 00:16:02,293
Yeah, sterno,
you know those little cans
409
00:16:02,295 --> 00:16:04,629
they put at the buffet
to keep food warm.
410
00:16:04,631 --> 00:16:06,497
That's some Amy Winehouse shit.
411
00:16:08,694 --> 00:16:10,535
Can we get back to this idea
that your sobriety
412
00:16:10,537 --> 00:16:12,070
hasn't affected your work?
413
00:16:13,926 --> 00:16:15,206
Did Erica actually
get you clean,
414
00:16:15,208 --> 00:16:16,341
as rumor has it?
415
00:16:16,343 --> 00:16:18,076
No, I got myself clean.
416
00:16:18,078 --> 00:16:19,377
You need to stop
listening to rumors.
417
00:16:19,379 --> 00:16:20,678
Hammy!
418
00:16:20,680 --> 00:16:22,313
What got you clean,
miss sterno?
419
00:16:23,515 --> 00:16:26,985
I don't know.
Um, my mother. My kid.
420
00:16:28,026 --> 00:16:29,387
Maybe I just got
tired of waking up
421
00:16:29,389 --> 00:16:30,321
with strange dicks in my face.
422
00:16:30,323 --> 00:16:32,023
Ho! Whoa! Whoa!
423
00:16:32,624 --> 00:16:35,159
Too much info. What...
424
00:16:35,161 --> 00:16:37,762
Okay, your turn
Mr. "I got myself clean."
425
00:16:37,764 --> 00:16:40,465
Rigorous honesty?
Yes.
426
00:16:40,467 --> 00:16:42,533
You guys rip me apart
every chance you get.
427
00:16:42,535 --> 00:16:44,402
Why should I talk to you?
428
00:16:44,404 --> 00:16:46,070
I've got nothing
to do with that.
429
00:16:46,072 --> 00:16:47,505
Yeah, but that's your people.
430
00:16:47,507 --> 00:16:49,640
Look, if you're gonna
just cut my head off
431
00:16:49,642 --> 00:16:51,042
and parade it around
the square,
432
00:16:51,044 --> 00:16:53,077
I don't need to help
you with that.
433
00:16:53,079 --> 00:16:56,314
I'm not here to hurt you.
I just want a decent story.
434
00:16:56,316 --> 00:16:59,751
You give me a couple of
really great honest things,
435
00:16:59,753 --> 00:17:02,320
stuff you haven't told
everybody else,
436
00:17:02,322 --> 00:17:06,157
some real inside stuff,
rigorous honesty stuff,
437
00:17:06,159 --> 00:17:09,160
and I promise you...
I will be more than fair.
438
00:17:10,329 --> 00:17:12,363
On the record.
On the record.
439
00:17:14,299 --> 00:17:15,533
Deal.
440
00:17:16,802 --> 00:17:19,437
Nice to meet you, Andre Allen.
441
00:17:19,439 --> 00:17:22,573
I look forward to interviewing
you, Andre Allen.
442
00:17:22,575 --> 00:17:26,744
Okay, let's try this again.
First truthful question.
443
00:17:26,746 --> 00:17:28,813
What was your bottom?
444
00:17:28,815 --> 00:17:32,216
First truthful answer.
Houston.
445
00:17:37,624 --> 00:17:41,159
So I get off the plane
in Houston.
446
00:17:44,696 --> 00:17:46,364
Now, I'm expecting
the comedy club
447
00:17:46,366 --> 00:17:48,099
to send some kid to pick me up.
448
00:17:48,101 --> 00:17:51,436
And to my surprise,
I'm met by...
449
00:17:54,073 --> 00:17:55,673
Hey, wassup?
You came to pick me up?
450
00:17:55,675 --> 00:17:57,275
Yeah, man. Hey, sorry
451
00:17:57,277 --> 00:17:58,709
I didn't have one of them
little signs, man.
452
00:17:58,711 --> 00:18:01,712
I'm jazzy Dee, ceo at
the code j enterprises, man.
453
00:18:01,714 --> 00:18:03,481
Welcome to Houston.
Thanks a lot.
454
00:18:03,483 --> 00:18:06,284
We promoting your show, man.
You know what I'm saying?
455
00:18:06,286 --> 00:18:07,652
How was your flight? Good?
Yeah, it was pretty good.
456
00:18:07,654 --> 00:18:08,786
That's great. Great, man.
457
00:18:08,788 --> 00:18:10,088
You know,
tickets are a little slow
458
00:18:10,090 --> 00:18:11,489
'cause of
the hair show in town,
459
00:18:11,491 --> 00:18:13,391
but don't worry, we're gonna
have a big walk-up, dawg.
460
00:18:13,393 --> 00:18:15,093
Okay. Okay.
So about, uh...
461
00:18:15,095 --> 00:18:16,661
How far is the hotel?
I'm starving.
462
00:18:16,663 --> 00:18:18,863
About 45 minute. Bruce
Bruce is already there.
463
00:18:18,865 --> 00:18:20,465
Like I say, this my town.
464
00:18:20,467 --> 00:18:22,400
Anything you need,
you let a brother know.
465
00:18:22,402 --> 00:18:24,135
I'm the motherfuckin' man
in Houston, dawg.
466
00:18:24,137 --> 00:18:27,371
Anything you need,
coke, weed, drank.
467
00:18:27,373 --> 00:18:30,108
You know, syrup.
You want some of that syrup?
468
00:18:30,110 --> 00:18:33,111
'Cause I'm the motherfuckin'
man in Houston, man.
469
00:18:33,113 --> 00:18:36,247
I'm the motherfuckin' man
in Houston, baby!
470
00:18:37,216 --> 00:18:39,684
Hey, you see
how I do it, right?
471
00:18:39,686 --> 00:18:41,419
No check-in or nothing.
472
00:18:41,421 --> 00:18:43,521
I just walk through the door,
through the lobby, man.
473
00:18:43,523 --> 00:18:45,189
They just giving me the key.
You know what I'm saying?
474
00:18:45,191 --> 00:18:47,692
I'm the motherfuckin' man
in Houston, dawg.
475
00:18:47,694 --> 00:18:49,560
I, um, got you a suite.
476
00:18:49,562 --> 00:18:51,829
Everything. All the
amenities, everything good.
477
00:18:51,831 --> 00:18:53,798
Jacuzzi tub,
a little living room.
478
00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:55,399
Bed got a duvet on it.
479
00:18:55,401 --> 00:18:57,401
You can lay down
all over that, man.
480
00:18:57,403 --> 00:19:01,139
I'm straight. I'm straight.
Yo, check this out.
481
00:19:01,141 --> 00:19:02,907
So, I gotta get dressed, right?
482
00:19:02,909 --> 00:19:04,809
But a little later,
why don't you come by,
483
00:19:04,811 --> 00:19:06,544
scoop me up,
484
00:19:06,546 --> 00:19:08,646
then we hit some clubs, and
you know, promote the show?
485
00:19:08,648 --> 00:19:10,281
I like that.
486
00:19:10,283 --> 00:19:12,250
I like that. You're
about your paper, boy.
487
00:19:12,252 --> 00:19:14,152
Oh, I'm about it, baby.
I'm about it 'bout it.
488
00:19:14,154 --> 00:19:16,888
By 11:00. By 11:00.
Okay. All right, cool.
489
00:19:16,890 --> 00:19:18,556
Hey...
490
00:19:18,558 --> 00:19:20,825
Dre, you mind if I get
some of them hangers, man?
491
00:19:20,827 --> 00:19:22,560
I need some wooden hang...
Oh, damn it.
492
00:19:22,562 --> 00:19:24,428
They got the...
493
00:19:24,430 --> 00:19:26,931
They got the lock on 'em!
They got the lock on 'em!
494
00:19:26,933 --> 00:19:29,367
They hip to your boy.
Who the man in Houston?
495
00:19:29,369 --> 00:19:31,335
Jay Dizzle!
Motherfuckin' man!
496
00:19:34,274 --> 00:19:35,940
This is Andre Allen.
497
00:19:35,942 --> 00:19:37,942
Come on out tomorrow night,
498
00:19:37,944 --> 00:19:40,611
to see me and my man,
Bruce Bruce,
499
00:19:40,613 --> 00:19:42,346
at the laugh shack!
500
00:19:45,751 --> 00:19:47,351
Laugh shack.
501
00:19:59,765 --> 00:20:01,799
This is how I do it every day.
It's how I live.
502
00:20:01,801 --> 00:20:04,468
Strictly V.I.P.
For me and my nigs.
503
00:20:04,470 --> 00:20:05,636
You know, I told you,
504
00:20:05,638 --> 00:20:07,572
I'm the motherfuckin' man
in Houston, dawg!
505
00:20:07,574 --> 00:20:09,640
You don't even know what
it's like out there, man.
506
00:20:09,642 --> 00:20:11,909
Nigga be on the other side
of the ropes talkin' about,
507
00:20:11,911 --> 00:20:14,212
"hey, jazz, how can
I get in V.I.P.?"
508
00:20:14,214 --> 00:20:16,414
I'm like,
"nigga, get a better life!"
509
00:20:18,884 --> 00:20:20,785
You crazy, jazzy.
510
00:20:20,787 --> 00:20:23,221
But, look,
we got to make a run.
511
00:20:23,223 --> 00:20:25,923
Bye, Andre. Bye-bye, Bruce. Bye.
512
00:20:25,925 --> 00:20:28,793
See you all later. Hey,
beep me, jazz. Don't forget.
513
00:20:28,795 --> 00:20:30,828
Don't run too far.
514
00:20:30,830 --> 00:20:32,296
Yeah.
Beep you, all right.
515
00:20:32,998 --> 00:20:34,665
Bye.
Yeah.
516
00:20:34,667 --> 00:20:35,933
Take care, ladies.
517
00:20:35,935 --> 00:20:37,635
Could we get another
bottle over here?
518
00:20:37,637 --> 00:20:38,903
Thank you!
519
00:20:38,905 --> 00:20:40,504
Yes.
520
00:20:40,506 --> 00:20:42,006
Oh, yeah.
521
00:20:42,008 --> 00:20:43,541
Hey, man, like I said, dawg,
522
00:20:43,543 --> 00:20:44,942
them two girls right there?
523
00:20:44,944 --> 00:20:47,245
They gonna come by
the hotel later.
524
00:20:47,247 --> 00:20:48,446
Get out of here!
525
00:20:48,448 --> 00:20:49,614
I'm the motherfuckin'
man, dawg!
526
00:20:49,616 --> 00:20:50,848
Oh, man!
527
00:20:50,850 --> 00:20:52,950
Yo, yo, jazz, jazz, jazz!
528
00:20:52,952 --> 00:20:54,986
My wife's family's
from Houston, man!
529
00:20:54,988 --> 00:20:58,356
Might know her cousins
or something, playa!
530
00:20:58,358 --> 00:21:00,858
No doubt, no doubt, Bruce,
I respect that.
531
00:21:00,860 --> 00:21:03,694
I'll give you a full, official
time-out on that, nigga.
532
00:21:03,696 --> 00:21:04,762
But you!
Yo.
533
00:21:04,764 --> 00:21:06,030
You, my nigga!
534
00:21:06,032 --> 00:21:08,366
I know you can
handle two bitches!
535
00:21:08,368 --> 00:21:11,836
I would have known this
was too good to be true.
536
00:21:11,838 --> 00:21:13,537
But...
537
00:21:13,539 --> 00:21:14,805
Bring four, nigga!
Bring four.
538
00:21:14,807 --> 00:21:16,374
Four bitches?
Four. Four. Four.
539
00:21:16,376 --> 00:21:18,576
I tell you,
if I had four bitches,
540
00:21:18,578 --> 00:21:20,478
I'd have one of 'em braiding
my motherfuckin' hair,
541
00:21:20,480 --> 00:21:22,046
and the other motherfuckin'
doing my taxes!
542
00:21:22,048 --> 00:21:24,048
Goddamn, nigga! Goddamn.
543
00:21:24,050 --> 00:21:25,983
Is some smart hos out here.
Whoo!
544
00:21:25,985 --> 00:21:27,952
Some of these hos are smart,
nigga, that's what I'm saying.
545
00:21:27,954 --> 00:21:29,720
I seemed confident,
546
00:21:29,722 --> 00:21:31,055
but that was
the liquor talking.
547
00:21:31,057 --> 00:21:34,992
H-town!
Who the motherfuckin' man?
548
00:21:34,994 --> 00:21:39,363
Even when you're a little
famous, and that's all I was,
549
00:21:39,365 --> 00:21:40,965
a little famous,
550
00:21:40,967 --> 00:21:43,834
people lie and exaggerate
to you all the time.
551
00:21:43,836 --> 00:21:46,671
I need to borrow
$10,000, man, okay?
552
00:21:46,673 --> 00:21:48,406
I'll never ask you
for money again.
553
00:21:48,408 --> 00:21:50,641
Dude, for only 50 grand,
554
00:21:50,643 --> 00:21:53,744
we can control all the water
on the Internet.
555
00:21:53,746 --> 00:21:55,012
Don't worry,
I won't get pregnant.
556
00:21:55,014 --> 00:21:56,647
My pussy's broken.
557
00:21:58,083 --> 00:22:00,351
Anyway,
I get back to the hotel
558
00:22:00,353 --> 00:22:02,520
and get what I used to call
some "ho sleep."
559
00:22:02,522 --> 00:22:04,455
That's that horrible
sleep you get
560
00:22:04,457 --> 00:22:06,891
when you think there's
a chance a ho might come over.
561
00:22:25,577 --> 00:22:27,411
Hey, Andre.
562
00:22:27,413 --> 00:22:29,647
Hey, wassup?
I forgot about you two.
563
00:22:29,649 --> 00:22:30,981
What you got
poppin' up in here?
564
00:22:30,983 --> 00:22:32,450
I can't wait for your show.
565
00:22:32,452 --> 00:22:33,617
Bruce Bruce is so funny.
566
00:22:33,619 --> 00:22:35,686
I'm friends with
his wife's cousin.
567
00:22:35,688 --> 00:22:36,887
Do you got a minibar?
568
00:22:36,889 --> 00:22:39,090
Yeah, yeah, I got a minibar.
569
00:22:39,092 --> 00:22:42,093
What y'all want? Chicken fingers?
Breakfast?
570
00:22:42,095 --> 00:22:43,661
Jalapeno poppers?
571
00:22:43,663 --> 00:22:45,062
Jalapeno poppers?
572
00:22:45,064 --> 00:22:47,598
Okay, just let me call
and see...
573
00:22:49,935 --> 00:22:51,435
Mmm, chicken.
574
00:22:51,437 --> 00:22:53,070
This is good.
Mmm-hmm.
575
00:22:54,040 --> 00:22:55,673
Mmm.
576
00:22:55,675 --> 00:22:57,475
They were wild in
at the club when you left.
577
00:22:57,477 --> 00:22:58,609
Mmm-hmm.
578
00:22:58,611 --> 00:23:00,111
Cheers.
Cheers.
579
00:23:00,946 --> 00:23:02,613
You want some?
580
00:23:02,615 --> 00:23:04,415
Room service is my jam.
581
00:23:09,154 --> 00:23:10,955
We got some more.
What? I'm a...
582
00:23:10,957 --> 00:23:12,197
We got whatever you need.
583
00:23:24,803 --> 00:23:26,103
Oh, okay.
584
00:23:45,190 --> 00:23:46,791
Yeah.
585
00:23:59,938 --> 00:24:01,505
Oh, yeah.
586
00:24:01,507 --> 00:24:02,640
Ah...
587
00:24:04,910 --> 00:24:06,710
Oh, yeah. Oh...
588
00:24:08,013 --> 00:24:10,014
I mean, honestly,
I couldn't believe
589
00:24:10,016 --> 00:24:12,817
God had blessed me
with these two angels.
590
00:24:17,223 --> 00:24:21,025
Hey, uh, do not disturb!
591
00:24:21,027 --> 00:24:23,227
Beat it.
I don't need anything!
592
00:24:24,496 --> 00:24:25,529
Fucking maids.
593
00:24:29,001 --> 00:24:30,701
Well, well, well.
594
00:24:30,703 --> 00:24:32,203
What do we have here?
Hey, hey. Whoa, whoa.
595
00:24:32,205 --> 00:24:34,071
Are you all doing
a pillow fight?
596
00:24:34,073 --> 00:24:35,773
That's my shit right there.
597
00:24:39,144 --> 00:24:41,078
Oh, my God.
Were you scared?
598
00:24:41,080 --> 00:24:42,980
Yes, I was scared.
I'm naked
599
00:24:42,982 --> 00:24:44,942
and a man walks in the room
and starts undressing.
600
00:24:45,550 --> 00:24:47,585
That look good, man.
601
00:24:47,587 --> 00:24:48,752
Hey, let me get some of that.
Oh, oh, oh.
602
00:24:48,754 --> 00:24:49,887
Ow!
603
00:24:49,889 --> 00:24:51,956
Oh, hi, jazzy.
Hey, jazzy.
604
00:24:51,958 --> 00:24:53,224
My dick was gone,
605
00:24:53,226 --> 00:24:55,226
it looked like a button
on a mink coat.
606
00:24:55,228 --> 00:24:56,660
Yeah.
Yeah.
607
00:24:56,662 --> 00:24:58,562
Yeah,
daddy Dee's getting it!
608
00:24:58,564 --> 00:24:59,864
Who the motherfuckin' man
in Houston?
609
00:24:59,866 --> 00:25:01,232
You're the motherfuckin' man!
610
00:25:01,234 --> 00:25:03,701
You're the man.
We love you.
611
00:25:03,703 --> 00:25:05,135
Look at that tow truck.
Look at that tow truck.
612
00:25:05,137 --> 00:25:06,570
Back that thing up on it.
613
00:25:06,572 --> 00:25:09,073
Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.
614
00:25:09,075 --> 00:25:11,075
Harder. Harder.
Oh, yeah.
615
00:25:11,077 --> 00:25:14,078
Jazzy Dizzle. Gettin' it.
616
00:25:14,080 --> 00:25:16,213
I wanted to run away,
but I was naked.
617
00:25:16,215 --> 00:25:18,916
Oh, yeah.
618
00:25:18,918 --> 00:25:19,950
How did you feel?
619
00:25:19,952 --> 00:25:22,052
I was terrified.
620
00:25:22,054 --> 00:25:23,521
Yeah, yeah.
621
00:25:23,523 --> 00:25:26,056
Hey, bitch.
Get your ass over here.
622
00:25:26,058 --> 00:25:27,758
Me?
Mm-hmm.
623
00:25:29,227 --> 00:25:31,228
Coming, daddy.
624
00:25:31,230 --> 00:25:32,997
These girls that
I thought were angels
625
00:25:32,999 --> 00:25:34,632
two seconds ago,
626
00:25:34,634 --> 00:25:36,100
are now the most
disgusting things
627
00:25:36,102 --> 00:25:37,635
I've ever seen.
628
00:25:38,003 --> 00:25:39,169
Oh, yeah.
629
00:25:41,240 --> 00:25:42,773
What'd the room smell like?
630
00:25:42,775 --> 00:25:44,708
What did the room smell like?
631
00:25:44,710 --> 00:25:45,776
What kind of question is that?
632
00:25:45,778 --> 00:25:47,077
Come on.
633
00:25:47,079 --> 00:25:50,147
Scared motherfucker ass
and smoked ribs.
634
00:25:50,149 --> 00:25:52,182
But the most disgusting part...
635
00:25:52,184 --> 00:25:55,252
No!
Yes!
636
00:25:55,254 --> 00:25:57,087
I think,
I think I'm coming!
637
00:25:58,190 --> 00:25:59,290
Ahhh...
638
00:26:00,760 --> 00:26:03,327
It was like
old faithful.
639
00:26:03,329 --> 00:26:05,029
Oh...
640
00:26:05,031 --> 00:26:08,032
It was just everywhere.
641
00:26:08,034 --> 00:26:09,833
Like the garbage truck
had to come
642
00:26:09,835 --> 00:26:11,602
and lay salt to get rid of it.
643
00:26:12,804 --> 00:26:14,338
So finally, they leave.
644
00:26:14,340 --> 00:26:16,340
I assume it's to do coke.
645
00:26:16,342 --> 00:26:18,262
You know, people get
real stingy with their coke.
646
00:26:39,698 --> 00:26:41,031
Hey, wassup?
647
00:26:41,033 --> 00:26:42,666
Where's jazzy?
648
00:26:42,668 --> 00:26:43,867
Uh, I don't know.
649
00:26:43,869 --> 00:26:45,069
I thought you all
went somewhere.
650
00:26:45,071 --> 00:26:48,639
You don't know where
your best friend jazzy's at?
651
00:26:48,641 --> 00:26:50,374
Best friend?
652
00:26:50,376 --> 00:26:52,109
Hey, I just met him today.
653
00:26:52,111 --> 00:26:54,178
He's not really my best friend.
654
00:26:54,180 --> 00:26:57,081
I mean, is something wrong?
Is there a problem?
655
00:26:57,083 --> 00:26:58,916
Yeah, there's
a fucking problem.
656
00:26:58,918 --> 00:27:00,951
Your best friend said
if we came over here
657
00:27:00,953 --> 00:27:02,753
and fucked you,
we'd get $1,000.
658
00:27:02,755 --> 00:27:04,288
$1,000? What the...
Hey, hey, hey...
659
00:27:04,290 --> 00:27:06,824
And now I cannot find his ass.
660
00:27:06,826 --> 00:27:09,693
Hey, he ain't tell me shit,
and even if he did,
661
00:27:09,695 --> 00:27:12,663
why would I pay you
to fuck him?
662
00:27:12,665 --> 00:27:14,131
I mean, I'm nasty,
but I'm not a freak!
663
00:27:14,133 --> 00:27:16,700
I don't care!
664
00:27:16,702 --> 00:27:19,136
You better get us our money
and soon, or I'm gonna yell
665
00:27:19,138 --> 00:27:20,838
"rape" up in this bitch
666
00:27:20,840 --> 00:27:23,374
and your ass is gonna
go to jail! Do you hear me?
667
00:27:23,376 --> 00:27:25,242
I ain't givin' y'all...
Do you hear me?
668
00:27:25,244 --> 00:27:26,410
I got nothing to do with jazzy!
669
00:27:26,412 --> 00:27:27,745
Rape!
670
00:27:31,049 --> 00:27:33,817
I told you I'm the motherfuckin'
man in Houston, right?
671
00:27:33,819 --> 00:27:35,886
If I didn't know that judge,
you might still be in there.
672
00:27:35,888 --> 00:27:37,388
Look, I'm gonna drop
dede off at practice,
673
00:27:37,390 --> 00:27:39,690
then get you back to the
hotel, you get some rest.
674
00:27:40,358 --> 00:27:42,092
I mean, after Houston,
675
00:27:42,094 --> 00:27:45,029
I totally quit drinking.
676
00:27:45,031 --> 00:27:47,731
From that point on,
I never had a drink again.
677
00:27:49,934 --> 00:27:52,936
No donuts! Hold on, hold on,
hold on, hold on.
678
00:27:52,938 --> 00:27:55,673
Oh, there it is, let me be
your prisoner of love.
679
00:27:55,675 --> 00:27:56,907
How about that? You know
you need to back up.
680
00:27:56,909 --> 00:27:58,809
Ooh, lock me up!
Put the key in your bra!
681
00:27:58,811 --> 00:28:00,251
Let me come and get it
with my teeth!
682
00:28:01,112 --> 00:28:02,680
Yeah, Charles.
683
00:28:02,682 --> 00:28:05,015
It's just the matinees.
684
00:28:05,017 --> 00:28:08,085
Hey, people are still at work.
It'll pick up tonight.
685
00:28:08,087 --> 00:28:10,054
Look, I just walked in
the jewelry store,
686
00:28:10,056 --> 00:28:11,789
and I will check in
with you later, okay?
687
00:28:17,095 --> 00:28:18,295
Here you go.
688
00:28:22,867 --> 00:28:25,269
These aren't the rings.
They're not?
689
00:28:25,271 --> 00:28:26,770
I mean, those are the rings,
690
00:28:26,772 --> 00:28:30,974
Let me go get Michele.
I think she dealt with it.
691
00:28:34,446 --> 00:28:36,880
Hey, excuse me, sir. No, no, no.
Oh, I just wanted...
692
00:28:37,248 --> 00:28:39,283
Mr. Allen, hi.
693
00:28:39,285 --> 00:28:41,185
Um, is there a problem
with your ring?
694
00:28:41,187 --> 00:28:42,467
Well, there's
another ring there.
695
00:28:43,254 --> 00:28:44,888
Ah, you're right.
696
00:28:44,890 --> 00:28:46,457
I mean, we're just
getting married,
697
00:28:46,459 --> 00:28:48,392
we're not winning
the super bowl.
698
00:28:48,394 --> 00:28:52,296
Miss long came by
earlier this week and, uh,
699
00:28:52,298 --> 00:28:54,865
added onto the order.
700
00:28:55,734 --> 00:28:57,267
Added to the order?
701
00:29:03,274 --> 00:29:04,875
Hammy!
702
00:29:06,311 --> 00:29:08,045
Hey, yo, hammy!
703
00:29:09,848 --> 00:29:10,981
Hey, hammy!
704
00:29:13,986 --> 00:29:17,988
The engineer will cue
you when he is ready.
705
00:29:17,990 --> 00:29:19,289
You good? You need a
coffee or anything?
706
00:29:19,291 --> 00:29:20,858
No, I'm good.
All right, great.
707
00:29:21,793 --> 00:29:22,826
So,
708
00:29:23,528 --> 00:29:25,195
are you okay now?
709
00:29:25,197 --> 00:29:27,331
I saw you yelling
on the phone earlier.
710
00:29:27,333 --> 00:29:28,932
No, I'm fine.
711
00:29:29,834 --> 00:29:31,769
What's on your mind?
712
00:29:31,771 --> 00:29:33,804
Ask me a question.
Interview me.
713
00:29:33,806 --> 00:29:35,172
Get in my business.
714
00:29:35,174 --> 00:29:37,474
That's what I'm trying to do.
What happened?
715
00:29:37,476 --> 00:29:40,043
Okay. Let me
ask you a question.
716
00:29:40,045 --> 00:29:43,313
If a guy you loved
gave you a wedding ring,
717
00:29:43,315 --> 00:29:46,350
a ring you said
you've always wanted,
718
00:29:46,352 --> 00:29:48,418
would you exchange it because
your boss told you to?
719
00:29:48,420 --> 00:29:50,954
Why'd you change the rings
without talking to me?
720
00:29:50,956 --> 00:29:53,056
Oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry.
721
00:29:53,058 --> 00:29:54,191
I meant to tell you.
722
00:29:54,193 --> 00:29:55,473
I've been so busy,
I just forgot.
723
00:29:56,394 --> 00:29:57,861
How does that make you feel?
724
00:29:57,863 --> 00:29:59,096
I didn't say it was me,
725
00:29:59,098 --> 00:30:01,098
I just said
if a guy you loved...
726
00:30:01,866 --> 00:30:04,001
So this guy I love...
727
00:30:04,003 --> 00:30:05,435
Which ring did he get me?
728
00:30:05,437 --> 00:30:07,971
The network, those jerks,
729
00:30:07,973 --> 00:30:09,907
they just thought they weren't
camera-friendly enough,
730
00:30:09,909 --> 00:30:13,377
if I thought there was
gonna be a problem.
731
00:30:13,379 --> 00:30:15,979
She's a reality star.
Everything's for sale.
732
00:30:15,981 --> 00:30:17,948
Everything's not for sale.
733
00:30:19,517 --> 00:30:21,418
Okay! You ready?
734
00:30:22,954 --> 00:30:25,055
What's up?
This is Andre Allen
735
00:30:25,057 --> 00:30:27,558
and when I listen
to satellite radio,
736
00:30:27,560 --> 00:30:31,028
I listen to Sirius hits one.
737
00:30:31,030 --> 00:30:34,431
That's, um,
that's good, just, uh...
738
00:30:34,433 --> 00:30:35,633
Just make it a little funnier.
739
00:30:36,568 --> 00:30:38,936
Funnier?
You're a funny guy.
740
00:30:41,005 --> 00:30:42,372
Make it more funny.
741
00:30:43,241 --> 00:30:44,975
Okay.
742
00:30:44,977 --> 00:30:47,377
Hey, wassup,
this is Andre Allen
743
00:30:47,379 --> 00:30:49,880
and when I listen
to satellite radio,
744
00:30:49,882 --> 00:30:51,982
I listen to Sirius hits one!
745
00:30:53,518 --> 00:30:57,387
Just, you know, say...
Just put a little, uh...
746
00:30:57,389 --> 00:30:58,389
Put a little stank on it.
747
00:30:59,624 --> 00:31:00,891
Stank?
748
00:31:01,926 --> 00:31:03,560
Stank. Stank.
749
00:31:03,562 --> 00:31:06,063
Stank?
Give it stank.
750
00:31:06,065 --> 00:31:08,465
Okay, I don't really
know what you mean.
751
00:31:08,467 --> 00:31:09,933
Uh, could you show me?
752
00:31:09,935 --> 00:31:14,404
You're the funny... I'm not...
okay, all right. It's like...
753
00:31:14,406 --> 00:31:18,008
Hey! This is Andre Allen,
754
00:31:18,010 --> 00:31:21,612
and when I listen
to satellite radio... whoa!
755
00:31:21,614 --> 00:31:24,414
I listen to Sirius hits one!
Whoo!
756
00:31:24,416 --> 00:31:26,216
It's a brand new movie.
757
00:31:26,218 --> 00:31:28,518
Uprize?
Uprize. Uprize.
758
00:31:28,520 --> 00:31:30,320
It's in theaters today.
759
00:31:30,322 --> 00:31:32,256
You're playin'
a Haitian revolutionary?
760
00:31:32,258 --> 00:31:34,291
This is a...
Homosexuals.
761
00:31:34,293 --> 00:31:36,159
Homosexual radio station.
Yeah.
762
00:31:36,161 --> 00:31:37,227
I just want to say,
"what's up?"
763
00:31:37,229 --> 00:31:39,229
To all my Haitian fans
764
00:31:39,231 --> 00:31:40,898
that listen to
Opie and Anthony.
765
00:31:40,900 --> 00:31:45,068
That hammy the bear is a
revolutionary out of Haiti?
766
00:31:45,070 --> 00:31:47,037
Hammy's not in the movie.
767
00:31:47,039 --> 00:31:48,505
They should let children
out of school
768
00:31:48,507 --> 00:31:50,574
to see this movie. They
should show it in school.
769
00:31:50,576 --> 00:31:53,443
First hundred gay people
770
00:31:53,445 --> 00:31:56,079
get three dollars
off their tickets.
771
00:31:56,081 --> 00:31:58,415
If you look at my comedy,
it was always serious.
772
00:31:58,417 --> 00:32:00,317
Just prove your gayness...
773
00:32:00,319 --> 00:32:01,919
How do we prove we're gay?
...And we...
774
00:32:01,921 --> 00:32:04,187
I have some, uh,
some goat meat.
775
00:32:04,189 --> 00:32:06,623
I brought you some,
uh, Haitian food.
776
00:32:06,625 --> 00:32:08,325
Goat meat.
Goat meat?
777
00:32:08,327 --> 00:32:10,928
Spaghetti with ketchup...
What is...
778
00:32:10,930 --> 00:32:13,497
which Haitians actually
eat for breakfast.
779
00:32:13,499 --> 00:32:16,500
Wow, really?
Yes. This... this...
780
00:32:16,502 --> 00:32:21,204
Yes, spaghetti with ketchup is the
cheerios of Haiti.
781
00:32:21,206 --> 00:32:24,107
Now, is there going to
be a hammy the bear 4?
782
00:32:24,109 --> 00:32:25,943
I hate
hammy the bear.
783
00:32:25,945 --> 00:32:28,612
I gave you three
hammy the bears.
784
00:32:28,614 --> 00:32:30,547
I want people
to take me serious.
785
00:32:30,549 --> 00:32:33,483
I want people to stop walking
up to me on the street
786
00:32:33,485 --> 00:32:35,552
and making bear sounds.
787
00:32:35,554 --> 00:32:38,088
Andre, what do you have to say
to the white audience here
788
00:32:38,090 --> 00:32:41,558
that is insulted,
uh, disgusted,
789
00:32:41,560 --> 00:32:45,095
by your movie, watching 50,000
of their people being killed?
790
00:32:45,097 --> 00:32:48,098
Uh, George Bush kills
a lot of brown people.
791
00:32:48,100 --> 00:32:49,366
Nobody had a problem with that.
792
00:32:49,368 --> 00:32:50,467
It wasn't a movie.
793
00:32:50,469 --> 00:32:51,568
He killed some...
794
00:32:51,570 --> 00:32:53,003
Like, really killed them!
Oh.
795
00:32:53,005 --> 00:32:55,439
I fake-kill white people
and it's a problem.
796
00:32:55,441 --> 00:33:00,978
How many of these white people
actually die on screen?
797
00:33:00,980 --> 00:33:04,047
Uh, probably two,
three thousand.
798
00:33:04,049 --> 00:33:05,148
That's it, dawg?
799
00:33:06,351 --> 00:33:08,285
Stank.
Stank.
800
00:33:13,391 --> 00:33:15,125
Nice and funny. Go!
801
00:33:15,493 --> 00:33:17,561
Wassup, motherfuckers?
802
00:33:17,563 --> 00:33:19,997
This is motherfucking
Andre Allen!
803
00:33:19,999 --> 00:33:22,399
And when I listen
to satellite radio,
804
00:33:22,401 --> 00:33:25,068
or scratch my nuts, that is,
805
00:33:25,070 --> 00:33:29,172
I listen to Sirius
motherfucking 101,
806
00:33:29,174 --> 00:33:30,207
biatch!
807
00:33:31,609 --> 00:33:33,410
First take was good.
808
00:33:33,412 --> 00:33:35,245
I was wrong on the stank note.
809
00:33:35,247 --> 00:33:38,548
First take had a lot of
wonderful stuff in there.
810
00:33:43,588 --> 00:33:46,089
I hope you're writing
nice things about me.
811
00:33:46,091 --> 00:33:47,157
Let's go.
812
00:33:54,766 --> 00:33:56,466
What's up, dawg?
Hammy!
813
00:33:58,102 --> 00:34:00,170
Hammy,
don't get brand new.
814
00:34:00,738 --> 00:34:03,440
Hollywood. Hollywood!
815
00:34:03,442 --> 00:34:05,709
Holly, hey, holly!
Hollywood! Get...
816
00:34:05,711 --> 00:34:09,112
Get your ass over here!
817
00:34:09,114 --> 00:34:11,615
Look at who's...
Look who's slummin'!
818
00:34:11,617 --> 00:34:13,550
Come here.
Come here, boy!
819
00:34:14,352 --> 00:34:17,154
Hollywood! Hollywood!
820
00:34:17,156 --> 00:34:19,089
Roll out the red carpet.
There it is.
821
00:34:19,091 --> 00:34:21,558
Hollywood, come on, boy.
822
00:34:21,560 --> 00:34:24,227
What you...
I thought you'd be in L.A.,
823
00:34:24,229 --> 00:34:26,063
you know, getting ready
for that big wedding.
824
00:34:26,065 --> 00:34:27,731
I see commercials for it
all the time.
825
00:34:27,733 --> 00:34:29,733
Yeah, yeah, I'm in town
826
00:34:29,735 --> 00:34:31,268
just doing some press
for this movie.
827
00:34:31,270 --> 00:34:33,103
I leave tonight.
828
00:34:33,105 --> 00:34:35,172
Uh, Chelsea here
is doing a story on me.
829
00:34:35,174 --> 00:34:36,206
Hello.
Oh.
830
00:34:37,141 --> 00:34:38,542
So I see.
831
00:34:38,544 --> 00:34:40,243
That's why you bring
your ass around here.
832
00:34:40,245 --> 00:34:42,345
What, you telling her
how bad you had it?
833
00:34:42,347 --> 00:34:43,780
Is that what it is? Huh?
834
00:34:43,782 --> 00:34:45,315
Oh, come on, man.
835
00:34:45,317 --> 00:34:47,084
You're coming
to the party, right?
836
00:34:47,618 --> 00:34:50,087
Some people got to work.
837
00:34:50,089 --> 00:34:52,330
I'll tell you what. I'll come
to your next bachelor party.
838
00:34:55,493 --> 00:34:57,461
It's not funny, man.
Hey, tell me something.
839
00:34:57,463 --> 00:34:59,162
Your next wife,
840
00:34:59,164 --> 00:35:01,364
is she going to be, uh, white
or she gonna be Asian?
841
00:35:03,102 --> 00:35:04,801
Still not funny, man.
842
00:35:04,803 --> 00:35:07,737
Oh, it's only funny when
you say mean shit, right?
843
00:35:09,774 --> 00:35:11,241
You know what?
What?
844
00:35:11,243 --> 00:35:14,544
Imma get out of here.
I'll catch you later, okay?
845
00:35:14,546 --> 00:35:16,813
Hey, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
846
00:35:16,815 --> 00:35:18,482
Come here, come here.
847
00:35:18,484 --> 00:35:20,383
Come here. Um...
848
00:35:20,385 --> 00:35:23,220
Look, can you break me off
a little something?
849
00:35:23,222 --> 00:35:27,224
I haven't got my check...
Haven't cashed it yet.
850
00:35:33,865 --> 00:35:35,132
Here.
851
00:35:35,733 --> 00:35:37,300
Really?
852
00:35:37,302 --> 00:35:38,502
Thanks.
853
00:35:38,504 --> 00:35:39,636
I'll put it on your tab, okay?
854
00:35:39,638 --> 00:35:41,505
Thanks, Hollywood.
855
00:35:41,507 --> 00:35:43,840
Thank you, Hollywood!
856
00:35:43,842 --> 00:35:45,642
Hey, nice meeting you.
857
00:35:45,644 --> 00:35:48,512
Hey, don't you believe
a thing he says, okay?
858
00:35:49,548 --> 00:35:51,515
Hollywood! Damn!
859
00:35:51,517 --> 00:35:52,549
Who was that?
860
00:35:53,351 --> 00:35:54,851
My father.
861
00:35:54,853 --> 00:35:57,687
Hammy!
Wo Yo, hammy!
862
00:35:57,689 --> 00:35:59,356
You don't even know
what celibacy mean!
863
00:36:00,558 --> 00:36:03,793
Oh, my gosh! Hi! Andre!
864
00:36:03,795 --> 00:36:05,262
Yo! Look what
the cat dragged in!
865
00:36:05,264 --> 00:36:09,199
Akil, give your Uncle a hug.
Hey, man, what's up?
866
00:36:09,201 --> 00:36:10,934
Aw, shit, hide the liquor.
God damn it!
867
00:36:10,936 --> 00:36:12,469
Hide the liquor?
868
00:36:12,471 --> 00:36:14,337
Look who's talking.
Hide the crack.
869
00:36:17,308 --> 00:36:19,643
Yo, homeboy, well,
that wasn't necessary, man.
870
00:36:19,645 --> 00:36:20,911
That was the '80s.
871
00:36:20,913 --> 00:36:22,846
Either you was using
or you was selling.
872
00:36:22,848 --> 00:36:24,881
Either way, you got
swept up in it.
873
00:36:24,883 --> 00:36:27,817
Hey, man, I'm being nice. I didn't
mention that five grand you owe me.
874
00:36:27,819 --> 00:36:29,586
When I get my income tax check,
875
00:36:29,588 --> 00:36:31,521
you're gonna get yours
off top, my man.
876
00:36:31,523 --> 00:36:33,190
You know what, you gotta
have a income first
877
00:36:33,192 --> 00:36:35,525
before you get a check.
You can't tax zero.
878
00:36:35,527 --> 00:36:36,960
Is this come down on Fred day?
879
00:36:37,895 --> 00:36:40,363
Yeah, he's allergic to jobs.
880
00:36:40,365 --> 00:36:42,799
He takes job Benadryl.
Just take it.
881
00:36:42,801 --> 00:36:45,535
When he feel a job coming on,
he just take a Benadryl.
882
00:36:47,939 --> 00:36:50,540
Hey, everybody,
this is Chelsea brown.
883
00:36:50,542 --> 00:36:53,843
She's doing a story on me
for the New York times.
884
00:36:53,845 --> 00:36:55,812
Now, she's gonna ask a few
of y'all some questions.
885
00:36:55,814 --> 00:36:57,414
Feel free to answer.
886
00:36:57,416 --> 00:36:59,983
But remember, no snitching!
Oh!
887
00:36:59,985 --> 00:37:02,219
Oh, you must be out your mind!
888
00:37:02,221 --> 00:37:06,990
You want me to be quiet, you gotta
clear the five thousand, my man.
889
00:37:06,992 --> 00:37:09,226
I said five thousand
to be nice.
890
00:37:09,228 --> 00:37:10,560
When it come to me, baby girl,
891
00:37:10,562 --> 00:37:12,295
I'm gonna turn over
like a apple pie.
892
00:37:12,297 --> 00:37:13,897
You know what, you
just ate a apple pie,
893
00:37:13,899 --> 00:37:15,565
you fat motherfucker.
Shut up!
894
00:37:19,003 --> 00:37:20,804
Can I say something?
895
00:37:20,806 --> 00:37:22,906
Jealousy will get
y'all nowhere!
896
00:37:22,908 --> 00:37:24,841
I watch Erica's show
every week.
897
00:37:24,843 --> 00:37:26,376
I can't wait
to see the wedding.
898
00:37:26,378 --> 00:37:27,844
When you gonna
bring her around here?
899
00:37:27,846 --> 00:37:28,945
Soon.
900
00:37:28,947 --> 00:37:30,714
That's what you said last time.
901
00:37:30,716 --> 00:37:32,916
And you know what, I'm still
waiting on my invitation.
902
00:37:32,918 --> 00:37:35,619
Hey. I'm not in charge
of the guest list. Okay?
903
00:37:35,621 --> 00:37:39,289
Tell the truth. Tell the truth.
That bitch don't like me.
904
00:37:39,291 --> 00:37:40,857
No, she likes you.
She asks about you.
905
00:37:40,859 --> 00:37:42,325
Oh, she asks about me?
906
00:37:42,327 --> 00:37:43,493
She asks about
you all the time.
907
00:37:43,495 --> 00:37:44,628
What does she say?
908
00:37:44,630 --> 00:37:46,296
She say, "how your
big friend doing?"
909
00:37:46,298 --> 00:37:47,998
My big...
910
00:37:48,000 --> 00:37:49,566
Is that what that
bitch think about me?
911
00:37:49,568 --> 00:37:51,368
I'm big like that?
For real?
912
00:37:51,370 --> 00:37:52,602
I'm just saying.
That's that Hollywood shit,
913
00:37:52,604 --> 00:37:54,371
Andre! That's that
Hollywood shit!
914
00:37:54,373 --> 00:37:55,905
I'm just playing.
I'm just playing.
915
00:37:55,907 --> 00:37:56,973
Why I ain't got my invitation?
916
00:37:56,975 --> 00:37:58,975
Well, 'cause...
917
00:37:58,977 --> 00:38:00,677
'Cause they figure we could,
you know... the hotel...
918
00:38:00,679 --> 00:38:01,845
Andre, you're full
of shit right now.
919
00:38:01,847 --> 00:38:03,813
And the airfare.
920
00:38:03,815 --> 00:38:05,548
Everybody's coming to
the bachelor party, right?
921
00:38:05,550 --> 00:38:08,685
I want to, but general
tao over here...
922
00:38:08,687 --> 00:38:11,621
I said no, 'cause he don't
know how to come home
923
00:38:11,623 --> 00:38:12,856
and shit, making it rain...
924
00:38:12,858 --> 00:38:14,524
We need our fucking ones.
925
00:38:14,526 --> 00:38:15,925
Put that down and have
a fucking seat.
926
00:38:15,927 --> 00:38:18,928
I mean, come on, there's
gonna be a TV crew there.
927
00:38:18,930 --> 00:38:20,430
Erica picked out everything.
928
00:38:20,432 --> 00:38:21,965
They're even
giving out gift bags.
929
00:38:21,967 --> 00:38:25,402
Gift bags?
Nigga, kill yourself.
930
00:38:25,404 --> 00:38:28,538
What's wrong, man?
What's wrong with a gift bag?
931
00:38:28,540 --> 00:38:29,806
They got lots
of cool shit in there.
932
00:38:29,808 --> 00:38:31,341
Nigga and gift bags.
933
00:38:32,511 --> 00:38:34,344
He's a corny-ass nigga.
All right.
934
00:38:35,479 --> 00:38:37,814
I got another five grand.
What you got?
935
00:38:37,816 --> 00:38:38,882
Oh!
936
00:38:40,084 --> 00:38:41,918
Can I get one of them
gift bags?
937
00:38:43,755 --> 00:38:45,989
Hey, bro-bro, check this out.
938
00:38:45,991 --> 00:38:48,792
I got the new jawn.
The 2016 jawn.
939
00:38:48,794 --> 00:38:50,493
It's real light.
Matter of fact,
940
00:38:50,495 --> 00:38:52,529
if you take it off,
you won't even sweat.
941
00:38:52,531 --> 00:38:54,564
I can take yours off, too,
if you want me to.
942
00:38:54,566 --> 00:38:56,800
Nah, that's okay, but thanks.
943
00:38:56,802 --> 00:38:59,369
Nigga, put your
bracelet back on!
944
00:38:59,371 --> 00:39:01,104
I don't want the cops
running in here!
945
00:39:01,106 --> 00:39:04,974
Me? I was there first time
he got on stage.
946
00:39:04,976 --> 00:39:07,944
How was he?
He sucked.
947
00:39:07,946 --> 00:39:09,612
Nothing about him was funny.
948
00:39:09,614 --> 00:39:12,882
He was like a bag
of dead kittens.
949
00:39:12,884 --> 00:39:15,051
Son, when nas focus,
950
00:39:15,053 --> 00:39:16,720
he better than Jay,
man, I'm sorry.
951
00:39:16,722 --> 00:39:18,021
That's some real shit.
952
00:39:18,023 --> 00:39:19,989
'Cause Tupac was
headed for the Oscar.
953
00:39:19,991 --> 00:39:22,559
Or Tupac would be
one of our political leaders.
954
00:39:22,561 --> 00:39:25,095
Tupac might be
a political leader,
955
00:39:25,097 --> 00:39:26,663
if he was alive.
956
00:39:26,665 --> 00:39:29,466
But then again, Tupac might be
957
00:39:29,468 --> 00:39:31,768
in a Tyler Perry movie
right now. So you don't know.
958
00:39:31,770 --> 00:39:33,937
You don't know.
You never know.
959
00:39:33,939 --> 00:39:36,840
He might be...
Tupac might be
960
00:39:36,842 --> 00:39:40,643
the bad dark-skinned boyfriend
in a Tyler Perry movie.
961
00:39:40,645 --> 00:39:42,379
I gotta agree with
that shit right there.
962
00:39:42,381 --> 00:39:45,715
I would hope he's a senator.
963
00:39:45,717 --> 00:39:48,551
But he might be kicking Jill
Scott down a flight of stairs.
964
00:39:50,855 --> 00:39:53,390
Yo. Dre. Yo, dre!
965
00:39:53,392 --> 00:39:54,791
Who was
the funniest?
966
00:39:54,793 --> 00:39:57,761
I think I was the funniest.
I'm tight funny. Yeah.
967
00:39:57,763 --> 00:39:59,429
Yeah? You ever
do any stand-up?
968
00:39:59,431 --> 00:40:01,865
Nah, nah, I'm like, you know...
969
00:40:01,867 --> 00:40:04,868
I'm not stand-up funny, I'm
just, like, the funny dude.
970
00:40:04,870 --> 00:40:07,070
Like, you know,
put me in a scenario,
971
00:40:07,072 --> 00:40:08,638
and I'll go buck wild.
972
00:40:08,640 --> 00:40:10,807
I always been funnier than dre!
973
00:40:10,809 --> 00:40:12,842
When my ma's water broke,
I was funny.
974
00:40:12,844 --> 00:40:14,844
She went into labor,
she wasn't crying,
975
00:40:14,846 --> 00:40:15,979
she wasn't screaming.
976
00:40:15,981 --> 00:40:17,447
She was laughing!
977
00:40:17,449 --> 00:40:19,182
The doctor said,
"what's wrong with her?"
978
00:40:19,184 --> 00:40:21,117
She said, "I'm having Fred."
979
00:40:21,119 --> 00:40:23,486
I'm just saying...
I'm just saying,
980
00:40:23,488 --> 00:40:25,188
if it don't work out
with me and this nigga,
981
00:40:25,190 --> 00:40:26,656
I'm gonna get me a white man.
982
00:40:26,658 --> 00:40:27,991
Do you ever
think about how different
983
00:40:27,993 --> 00:40:29,959
your life would be
had you stayed together?
984
00:40:29,961 --> 00:40:32,896
It just didn't work out.
985
00:40:32,898 --> 00:40:35,131
I broke up with him.
986
00:40:35,133 --> 00:40:37,667
Yeah. I'm happy
where I'm at.
987
00:40:39,003 --> 00:40:40,770
But you must think
about it sometimes.
988
00:40:42,506 --> 00:40:44,774
Every fucking day.
989
00:40:44,776 --> 00:40:46,643
I mean, girl,
990
00:40:46,645 --> 00:40:48,978
I used to get mad at him
for playing playstation.
991
00:40:49,747 --> 00:40:51,714
What kind of shit was that?
992
00:40:51,716 --> 00:40:53,716
If I'd have known how
successful he was gonna be,
993
00:40:53,718 --> 00:40:55,919
I woulda built him
my own playstation.
994
00:40:55,921 --> 00:40:57,520
Dre ain't funny. You know
who's funnier than dre?
995
00:40:57,522 --> 00:40:59,489
Nick Cannon.
That motherfucker hilarious.
996
00:40:59,491 --> 00:41:01,191
Put your top five...
Who's your top five?
997
00:41:01,193 --> 00:41:04,060
Slick Rick, Kane, Rakim,
998
00:41:04,062 --> 00:41:07,964
krs-one, and biggie
is my fifth man.
999
00:41:07,966 --> 00:41:11,201
And Jay Z is my sixth man.
1000
00:41:11,203 --> 00:41:12,669
Would you write
any jokes for him?
1001
00:41:12,671 --> 00:41:14,003
Yeah, I would, I would,
but, see, everything
1002
00:41:14,005 --> 00:41:15,572
up here with mine.
1003
00:41:15,574 --> 00:41:19,742
My top five is Jay,
nas, scarface...
1004
00:41:19,744 --> 00:41:24,147
Scarface, 'cause everybody
got their shit from scarface.
1005
00:41:25,616 --> 00:41:27,617
Rakim.
Rakim.
1006
00:41:27,619 --> 00:41:31,688
Rakim, and then I might let
biggie get in there.
1007
00:41:31,690 --> 00:41:33,690
Once his mother died,
man, it changed a lot.
1008
00:41:33,692 --> 00:41:35,492
He ain't even wanna
be funny anymore.
1009
00:41:35,494 --> 00:41:36,860
He was like...
He was a different dre.
1010
00:41:36,862 --> 00:41:39,195
My top five. Ice-t...
1011
00:41:39,197 --> 00:41:41,598
Ice-t?
Ice motherfucking t!
1012
00:41:42,800 --> 00:41:45,568
¶ Six in the mornin'
police at my door
1013
00:41:45,570 --> 00:41:48,171
¶ fresh adidas squeak
across the bathroom floor ¶
1014
00:41:48,173 --> 00:41:50,640
we started drinking young,
man, we was like 12 years old.
1015
00:41:50,642 --> 00:41:53,543
We used to get o...
O.E. Cans, and cut 'em out
1016
00:41:53,545 --> 00:41:54,844
and make gold teeth out of 'em.
1017
00:41:54,846 --> 00:41:56,846
My sixth man's ll cool j.
1018
00:41:58,116 --> 00:42:01,618
Before the show!
Before the show!
1019
00:42:02,821 --> 00:42:04,120
He was funnier drunk.
1020
00:42:04,122 --> 00:42:06,122
Everybody's funnier drunk.
1021
00:42:06,124 --> 00:42:08,291
You ever see Oprah drunk?
She's hysterical.
1022
00:42:08,293 --> 00:42:10,026
Once he stopped drinking,
1023
00:42:10,028 --> 00:42:12,662
once the nigga stopped
getting oddy with the 40s,
1024
00:42:12,664 --> 00:42:14,898
something was gone,
like, 95% was gone.
1025
00:42:14,900 --> 00:42:16,132
This nigga was bugged out.
1026
00:42:16,134 --> 00:42:17,734
You think he funny now?
1027
00:42:17,736 --> 00:42:19,769
You should've seen him
in the pissy staircases.
1028
00:42:19,771 --> 00:42:21,538
This nigga was hilarious.
1029
00:42:21,540 --> 00:42:23,573
Dre, if I get married, man,
1030
00:42:23,575 --> 00:42:25,775
I'm gonna do the suge knight
speech at my wedding.
1031
00:42:25,777 --> 00:42:27,176
"If y'all don't
want the preacher
1032
00:42:27,178 --> 00:42:29,212
"all up in the wedding,
1033
00:42:29,214 --> 00:42:31,781
"the ring boy all up
in the wedding,
1034
00:42:31,783 --> 00:42:32,649
"come to death row!"
1035
00:42:33,150 --> 00:42:35,318
Good morning, buffalo!
1036
00:42:35,320 --> 00:42:37,320
Wassup, San Antonio!
1037
00:42:37,322 --> 00:42:39,255
This is not another
hammy movie.
1038
00:42:39,257 --> 00:42:41,791
And it's about
the Haitian revolution.
1039
00:42:41,793 --> 00:42:44,327
The greatest slave
rebellion of all time.
1040
00:42:44,995 --> 00:42:46,729
Slave rebellion.
1041
00:42:47,331 --> 00:42:49,098
It's when slaves rebel.
1042
00:42:49,100 --> 00:42:51,267
Uh, Taraji P. Henson,
1043
00:42:51,269 --> 00:42:54,003
uh, Gabby Sidibe,
1044
00:42:54,939 --> 00:42:56,573
uh, Anthony Anderson.
1045
00:42:57,708 --> 00:43:00,743
I play a guy named
dutty Boukman.
1046
00:43:03,747 --> 00:43:05,348
Yeah.
1047
00:43:05,350 --> 00:43:08,184
Well, I've been...
I read up on him,
1048
00:43:08,186 --> 00:43:10,887
and I've been wanting to do
this movie for a long time.
1049
00:43:12,856 --> 00:43:15,658
Yeah, I just found
the story fascinating.
1050
00:43:18,729 --> 00:43:20,730
Yeah, well, this is
the kind of stuff
1051
00:43:20,732 --> 00:43:22,799
I'm trying to get into now,
more serious stuff.
1052
00:43:26,003 --> 00:43:29,906
Yes, it's fun for the whole family.
It's educational.
1053
00:43:29,908 --> 00:43:31,341
Watch this dunk.
1054
00:43:31,343 --> 00:43:32,642
He splits the defenders...
1055
00:43:32,644 --> 00:43:37,246
Yeah, yeah. It's about
the Haitian revolution.
1056
00:43:37,248 --> 00:43:39,115
Yeah, the Haitian revolution
1057
00:43:39,117 --> 00:43:42,619
was the largest slave uprising
in the Western hemisphere.
1058
00:43:42,621 --> 00:43:44,954
Andre, I know this
party's gonna be crazy,
1059
00:43:44,956 --> 00:43:46,289
so if we don't get to
talk to each other,
1060
00:43:46,291 --> 00:43:47,824
make sure you call me back.
1061
00:43:47,826 --> 00:43:50,927
All right, now, if my
husband answers the phone,
1062
00:43:50,929 --> 00:43:53,262
don't hang up, 'cause he
knows what time it is.
1063
00:43:53,264 --> 00:43:54,964
Now come here, give me a hug.
1064
00:43:55,232 --> 00:43:56,866
Aw.
1065
00:43:56,868 --> 00:43:59,869
Hey, dre, stay black, nigga!
Keep it one hundred!
1066
00:43:59,871 --> 00:44:02,872
You heard? Don't forget
where you came from, son!
1067
00:44:09,280 --> 00:44:12,682
"I'm texting my boyfriend"
look on your face.
1068
00:44:13,217 --> 00:44:14,817
What's his name?
1069
00:44:15,953 --> 00:44:17,186
Brad.
1070
00:44:17,988 --> 00:44:20,289
So what's he do, Brad?
1071
00:44:20,291 --> 00:44:23,726
He's a d.J. He spins at
greenhouse on Monday nights.
1072
00:44:23,728 --> 00:44:25,261
So, how old's he turning again?
1073
00:44:25,263 --> 00:44:27,330
Thirty.
Thirty.
1074
00:44:27,332 --> 00:44:29,866
Hey, man, 30's that birthday.
1075
00:44:29,868 --> 00:44:32,101
I remember when
I turned 30. 30's scary.
1076
00:44:32,103 --> 00:44:33,903
You know, 30's that age
where you realize,
1077
00:44:33,905 --> 00:44:36,172
"I gotta get my shit together.
1078
00:44:36,174 --> 00:44:39,075
"I could actually
become homeless."
1079
00:44:39,077 --> 00:44:42,845
I mean, not will-Smith-
pursuit-of-happyness homeless.
1080
00:44:42,847 --> 00:44:45,448
I mean, like blow-job-in-
the-bus-station homeless.
1081
00:44:45,450 --> 00:44:47,350
So, that's what you think?
He's deep in thought right now
1082
00:44:47,352 --> 00:44:49,352
about not being homeless?
1083
00:44:49,354 --> 00:44:50,920
If he's smart.
1084
00:44:50,922 --> 00:44:52,889
If he's not, he won't think
about it till he's 40.
1085
00:44:52,891 --> 00:44:54,023
Then it'll be too late.
1086
00:44:54,025 --> 00:44:55,925
Oh!
1087
00:44:55,927 --> 00:44:57,293
You okay?
Is everybody okay?
1088
00:44:57,295 --> 00:44:58,428
My apologies.
1089
00:44:58,430 --> 00:45:00,029
Out! Let's get out.
1090
00:45:00,031 --> 00:45:02,098
Let's get out of here.
Gotta go.
1091
00:45:02,100 --> 00:45:04,000
What the hell?
We can't just leave.
1092
00:45:04,002 --> 00:45:06,369
Let's go, go, go.
What are you doing?
1093
00:45:07,337 --> 00:45:09,105
Let's go!
Come on.
1094
00:45:09,107 --> 00:45:11,007
So, what, you're just leaving
the scene of an accident now?
1095
00:45:11,009 --> 00:45:12,275
I didn't
have an accident.
1096
00:45:12,277 --> 00:45:13,810
My driver had an accident.
1097
00:45:13,812 --> 00:45:15,712
But if the person
that hits us finds out
1098
00:45:15,714 --> 00:45:17,480
I was in the car,
then they will sue me.
1099
00:45:17,482 --> 00:45:19,949
He's right in front of me.
1100
00:45:19,951 --> 00:45:22,218
Not now... not now, ma'am.
I hope your dick falls off!
1101
00:45:22,220 --> 00:45:24,353
Where's Ralph at?
Get him over here right now.
1102
00:45:24,355 --> 00:45:26,456
You know, if he wasn't
clearing a path for you,
1103
00:45:26,458 --> 00:45:27,924
I'm sure she wouldn't
even have noticed you.
1104
00:45:27,926 --> 00:45:29,358
Is he always so bodyguardy?
1105
00:45:29,360 --> 00:45:30,827
"Bodyguardy"?
That's a word?
1106
00:45:30,829 --> 00:45:36,032
Jay-Z is seen walking around
by himself all the time.
1107
00:45:36,034 --> 00:45:38,334
Yeah, but Jay-Z's got
a fucking gun, okay.
1108
00:45:38,336 --> 00:45:40,036
That's silk. That's my boy.
1109
00:45:40,038 --> 00:45:42,004
We've been together for,
you know, since third grade.
1110
00:45:42,006 --> 00:45:43,072
He's seen a lot.
1111
00:45:45,343 --> 00:45:47,009
You think it's a game?
1112
00:45:47,011 --> 00:45:49,378
I'll kill you, motherfucker!
You think it's a game?
1113
00:45:52,751 --> 00:45:54,817
I'm not talking
about firing him.
1114
00:45:54,819 --> 00:45:56,753
I'm just saying,
this is New York,
1115
00:45:56,755 --> 00:45:58,921
and only people
who wanna get paparazzi
1116
00:45:58,923 --> 00:46:00,490
roll with their
bodyguard all the time.
1117
00:46:00,492 --> 00:46:02,391
But if you're too scared
to talk to me one-on-one
1118
00:46:02,393 --> 00:46:04,894
without your bodyguard, your
little security blanket,
1119
00:46:04,896 --> 00:46:06,362
I completely understand.
1120
00:46:06,364 --> 00:46:07,997
Hold on a second.
1121
00:46:07,999 --> 00:46:09,198
Okay, I got a new car coming.
1122
00:46:09,200 --> 00:46:10,500
It's gonna be
about an hour, though.
1123
00:46:10,502 --> 00:46:12,435
We should hop on a cab
and head back over to xm,
1124
00:46:12,437 --> 00:46:14,357
and finish up all our
west coast satellite stuff.
1125
00:46:14,371 --> 00:46:16,072
You know what?
1126
00:46:16,074 --> 00:46:17,440
I'm good.
1127
00:46:17,442 --> 00:46:19,242
Just... just meet me over
at the junket, all right?
1128
00:46:19,244 --> 00:46:20,443
What do you mean you're good?
1129
00:46:20,445 --> 00:46:22,044
Hey, Brad. It's me, um...
1130
00:46:22,046 --> 00:46:23,212
I'm gonna walk.
1131
00:46:23,214 --> 00:46:24,447
Outside?
1132
00:46:24,982 --> 00:46:27,116
Yeah.
1133
00:46:27,118 --> 00:46:29,919
It's a rough neighborhood, you're
gonna walk around by yourself?
1134
00:46:29,921 --> 00:46:31,521
You got an interview
in 20 minutes.
1135
00:46:31,523 --> 00:46:34,223
Hey, man, I'm good. Just text
me the information, okay?
1136
00:46:35,425 --> 00:46:38,094
You sure?
Yeah, I'm sure. I'm good.
1137
00:46:38,096 --> 00:46:41,164
It's supposed to rain.
I got an umbrella right here.
1138
00:46:41,166 --> 00:46:42,799
I'm all right, man.
1139
00:46:42,801 --> 00:46:43,966
Wo Silk, don't act
like you don't know me.
1140
00:46:43,968 --> 00:46:45,802
If you need me, text me!
I'll text you!
1141
00:46:45,804 --> 00:46:48,204
What's up?
It's Angie.
1142
00:46:48,206 --> 00:46:51,007
He's scared I'm gonna need him.
1143
00:46:51,009 --> 00:46:54,310
No. He's scared you're
not going to need him.
1144
00:46:54,312 --> 00:46:56,379
It's staring you right
in the face, all right.
1145
00:46:56,381 --> 00:46:59,949
Every planet of the apes movie
is about race. Every one.
1146
00:46:59,951 --> 00:47:04,053
About the trilogy that starts
off with charlton heston
1147
00:47:04,055 --> 00:47:07,089
frolicking naked
with a black astronaut.
1148
00:47:07,091 --> 00:47:09,859
That typical Sci-Fi movie
that's about the future
1149
00:47:09,861 --> 00:47:12,161
and about how the human race
is out of control.
1150
00:47:12,163 --> 00:47:13,596
Yeah, it's about race,
but the human race.
1151
00:47:13,598 --> 00:47:15,398
No, no, no. It's about
the white man's
1152
00:47:15,400 --> 00:47:16,999
fear of a black planet.
1153
00:47:17,001 --> 00:47:18,601
The darker apes
are bigger and stronger.
1154
00:47:18,603 --> 00:47:21,304
The lighter apes are smarter.
That's racist bullshit.
1155
00:47:21,306 --> 00:47:23,506
Do you realize that the
original planet of the apes
1156
00:47:23,508 --> 00:47:26,275
came out on April 3, 1968?
1157
00:47:26,277 --> 00:47:28,578
Now, we both know
what happened the next day.
1158
00:47:28,580 --> 00:47:30,580
Martin Luther King was killed.
1159
00:47:42,426 --> 00:47:44,861
Why don't
you just jump in?
1160
00:47:44,863 --> 00:47:46,562
You're telling me that
James Earl ray
1161
00:47:46,564 --> 00:47:48,364
saw planet of the apes
1162
00:47:48,366 --> 00:47:49,999
and decided to shoot
Martin Luther King?
1163
00:47:50,001 --> 00:47:53,402
It wasn't the fact that
he was organizing
1164
00:47:53,404 --> 00:47:55,037
the poor people's march
on Washington...
1165
00:47:55,039 --> 00:47:56,639
That, too.
...Or criticizing
1166
00:47:56,641 --> 00:47:58,341
the war or our foreign policy.
1167
00:47:58,343 --> 00:48:01,577
What got him shot
was talking apes!
1168
00:48:01,579 --> 00:48:03,312
Go, hammy! Go, hammy!
1169
00:48:03,314 --> 00:48:04,914
Go in!
1170
00:48:07,451 --> 00:48:09,051
Jump in already!
1171
00:48:09,053 --> 00:48:11,220
What I'm saying is,
it's not a coincidence
1172
00:48:11,222 --> 00:48:13,522
that a movie about niggas
taking over the world
1173
00:48:13,524 --> 00:48:15,658
comes out the day before
the most powerful
1174
00:48:15,660 --> 00:48:18,227
black man on earth
is assassinated.
1175
00:48:18,229 --> 00:48:19,629
It's not a coincidence.
It's not.
1176
00:48:19,631 --> 00:48:22,098
You actually believe that.
1177
00:48:22,100 --> 00:48:24,467
Okay, you know what?
I will give it to you.
1178
00:48:24,469 --> 00:48:26,936
There are some subliminal messages
in that movie. Yes, there are.
1179
00:48:26,938 --> 00:48:30,006
But you know what?
It's just a movie.
1180
00:48:30,008 --> 00:48:31,641
It's never...
It's never just a movie.
1181
00:48:31,643 --> 00:48:33,075
Yes, sometimes
it's just a movie.
1182
00:48:33,077 --> 00:48:35,211
It's never just a song!
It's never just a book.
1183
00:48:35,213 --> 00:48:37,346
I don't care what
Michelle Obama says.
1184
00:48:37,348 --> 00:48:38,948
I'm like, fry or die.
1185
00:48:40,284 --> 00:48:41,484
Give me some fries.
1186
00:48:41,486 --> 00:48:42,518
I thought you didn't want none.
1187
00:48:42,520 --> 00:48:44,086
Fry or die.
1188
00:48:48,625 --> 00:48:51,594
Now, do you always keep
hot sauce in your bag?
1189
00:48:51,596 --> 00:48:53,629
Yeah, I like my shit hot.
1190
00:48:53,631 --> 00:48:55,698
In my apartment,
I keep a bottle
1191
00:48:55,700 --> 00:48:57,533
in every room,
like smoke detectors.
1192
00:48:57,535 --> 00:49:01,170
Hammy! Hammy!
Hammy! Hammy!
1193
00:49:01,172 --> 00:49:02,672
Jump in already!
1194
00:49:02,674 --> 00:49:04,240
Come on, hurry up!
1195
00:49:05,275 --> 00:49:06,242
Hey!
1196
00:49:11,014 --> 00:49:12,214
Bill Murray?
1197
00:49:12,216 --> 00:49:14,083
Bill Murray's like,
1198
00:49:14,085 --> 00:49:16,519
you know, perhaps top three
1199
00:49:16,521 --> 00:49:19,155
funniest human beings
to ever walk the earth.
1200
00:49:19,157 --> 00:49:21,590
And the guy you most likely
want to hang out with
1201
00:49:21,592 --> 00:49:23,659
and drop his name, like,
"yeah, I know bill Murray.
1202
00:49:23,661 --> 00:49:25,094
"I was just talking to
bill Murray the other day."
1203
00:49:25,096 --> 00:49:27,430
Charlie chaplin?
Charlie chaplin.
1204
00:49:27,432 --> 00:49:29,966
He started this shit.
He's the krs-one of comedy.
1205
00:49:31,268 --> 00:49:32,401
The krs-one.
1206
00:49:32,403 --> 00:49:34,537
He's the grandmaster
flash of ha-ha.
1207
00:49:34,539 --> 00:49:35,638
I don't think people
actually read capote.
1208
00:49:35,640 --> 00:49:37,073
That's one of my tests
to people.
1209
00:49:37,075 --> 00:49:38,741
I say that and they're
like, "oh, yeah,
1210
00:49:38,743 --> 00:49:41,444
"you know, I really loved
breakfast at Tiffany's."
1211
00:49:41,446 --> 00:49:43,546
And I'm like, "you haven't
read Truman capote. Stop."
1212
00:49:43,548 --> 00:49:45,715
Bill cosby is
the greatest storyteller.
1213
00:49:45,717 --> 00:49:47,149
Richard pryor?
Richard pryor is like
1214
00:49:47,151 --> 00:49:48,484
the most honest human being.
1215
00:49:48,486 --> 00:49:50,753
Even Jesus didn't tell
his followers everything.
1216
00:49:51,389 --> 00:49:56,325
Eddie Murphy. I once saw
Murphy and Michael Jackson
1217
00:49:56,327 --> 00:49:58,227
within two months
of each other,
1218
00:49:58,229 --> 00:49:59,595
and Eddie was better.
1219
00:49:59,597 --> 00:50:04,467
And he says, "too much love is as
bad for this as no love at all."
1220
00:50:04,469 --> 00:50:08,504
Yeah, I mean, it's hard to
fuck somebody on a pedestal.
1221
00:50:24,455 --> 00:50:26,255
Beautiful. Taraji!
Andre!
1222
00:50:26,257 --> 00:50:27,456
Gabby, over here!
1223
00:50:27,458 --> 00:50:29,125
This way, Gabby!
Hammy, this way!
1224
00:50:29,127 --> 00:50:30,726
Wo Andre,
over to the right.
1225
00:50:30,728 --> 00:50:32,495
Big smile, Gabby.
1226
00:50:33,798 --> 00:50:35,464
Married.
1227
00:50:38,201 --> 00:50:40,569
You're getting married, huh?
1228
00:50:40,571 --> 00:50:42,138
You couldn't tell me?
1229
00:50:43,273 --> 00:50:45,107
Can I get
you two to smile?
1230
00:50:45,109 --> 00:50:46,776
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
1231
00:50:46,778 --> 00:50:48,277
Taraji, this way.
1232
00:50:51,815 --> 00:50:55,151
How can you keep
your private life
1233
00:50:55,153 --> 00:50:57,319
separate from your public life
1234
00:50:57,321 --> 00:50:59,488
when you're going through
something this weekend
1235
00:50:59,490 --> 00:51:00,656
which combines the two?
1236
00:51:00,658 --> 00:51:02,725
Your upcoming marriage
1237
00:51:02,727 --> 00:51:05,694
is getting more press
than this movie.
1238
00:51:05,696 --> 00:51:07,763
I mean, I'm watching,
like, television...
1239
00:51:07,765 --> 00:51:09,198
Everybody's talking about that.
1240
00:51:09,200 --> 00:51:10,266
Nobody's talking about this.
1241
00:51:10,268 --> 00:51:13,803
What kind of ratings do you
think you're gonna get?
1242
00:51:13,805 --> 00:51:17,406
Okay, you got two minutes,
everybody. Two minutes.
1243
00:51:17,408 --> 00:51:19,075
Do you think they
only wanna see you...
1244
00:51:19,077 --> 00:51:20,409
You maybe stereotyped yourself
1245
00:51:20,411 --> 00:51:23,512
that people don't wanna
accept you in a serious role?
1246
00:51:23,514 --> 00:51:24,713
We want to see you funny.
1247
00:51:25,449 --> 00:51:27,083
I already told you.
1248
00:51:27,085 --> 00:51:28,417
I ain't got time
for your bullshit, silk.
1249
00:51:28,419 --> 00:51:29,785
I'm seeing somebody.
1250
00:51:29,787 --> 00:51:33,089
Hey, no problem. Come on.
1251
00:51:33,091 --> 00:51:34,824
If you don't get
the fuck out my face...
1252
00:51:37,861 --> 00:51:39,261
How do
you think it went?
1253
00:51:40,230 --> 00:51:41,764
The press was
all over the place.
1254
00:51:41,766 --> 00:51:43,099
I'm just glad they showed up.
1255
00:51:43,101 --> 00:51:44,567
I mean, honestly,
1256
00:51:44,569 --> 00:51:46,235
the most important thing
right now is that
1257
00:51:46,237 --> 00:51:47,736
people come out
and see the movie.
1258
00:51:47,738 --> 00:51:49,338
You mean, the most
important thing isn't
1259
00:51:49,340 --> 00:51:50,506
the "wedding spectacular
spectacular"?
1260
00:51:50,508 --> 00:51:52,608
I did not say that.
1261
00:51:52,610 --> 00:51:53,876
Okay, so you don't
wanna be funny.
1262
00:51:53,878 --> 00:51:55,411
Wo Excuse me.
1263
00:51:55,413 --> 00:51:57,146
So, you don't wanna make
funny movies anymore.
1264
00:51:57,148 --> 00:52:00,716
And they don't want to take
your "serious" seriously.
1265
00:52:00,718 --> 00:52:02,251
I'm sorry.
1266
00:52:02,253 --> 00:52:05,387
So why not embrace
the wedding spectacle?
1267
00:52:06,123 --> 00:52:07,857
I'm a guy, come on.
1268
00:52:07,859 --> 00:52:09,825
I didn't grow up
dreaming of a wedding.
1269
00:52:09,827 --> 00:52:11,227
There's no grooms magazine.
1270
00:52:11,229 --> 00:52:12,728
They don't have
a groomal registry.
1271
00:52:12,730 --> 00:52:14,597
Weddings aren't for guys.
1272
00:52:14,599 --> 00:52:15,564
I'm not talking about guys.
1273
00:52:15,566 --> 00:52:17,199
I'm talking about you.
1274
00:52:17,201 --> 00:52:19,401
Why don't you embrace it?
1275
00:52:19,403 --> 00:52:21,363
If you hate it so much,
why are you even doing it?
1276
00:52:22,806 --> 00:52:24,173
Erica helped me get clean.
1277
00:52:30,180 --> 00:52:31,480
I don't have time
for this, dre.
1278
00:52:33,216 --> 00:52:34,683
I'm not gonna be your audience.
1279
00:52:37,320 --> 00:52:38,854
"I'm not gonna be
your audience"?
1280
00:52:38,856 --> 00:52:40,789
Audience to my bullshit.
1281
00:52:42,492 --> 00:52:43,692
If you don't have an audience,
1282
00:52:43,694 --> 00:52:44,775
it's hard to put on a show.
1283
00:52:46,429 --> 00:52:47,563
Brad?
1284
00:52:47,565 --> 00:52:48,797
Hey.
1285
00:52:48,799 --> 00:52:50,499
Hey.
1286
00:52:50,501 --> 00:52:52,768
Happy Birthday. Oh, my God.
Thank you.
1287
00:52:54,245 --> 00:52:56,205
How are you?
I tried calling you all day.
1288
00:52:56,207 --> 00:52:57,940
I was so worried. Yeah, yeah...
No, I'm fine, I'm fine.
1289
00:52:57,942 --> 00:53:00,643
Uh, I was just in meetings.
Oh, hey, Andre Allen!
1290
00:53:00,645 --> 00:53:02,545
Hey! White Brad!
1291
00:53:02,547 --> 00:53:03,679
Happy Birthday.
1292
00:53:03,681 --> 00:53:04,747
Thank you, man.
1293
00:53:04,749 --> 00:53:08,617
I'm so glad somebody's finally
telling Boukman's story.
1294
00:53:08,619 --> 00:53:10,719
I mean, no one talks about
the maroon slaves.
1295
00:53:10,721 --> 00:53:12,621
I know, they're so overlooked.
1296
00:53:12,623 --> 00:53:14,290
It's crazy.
It's crazy.
1297
00:53:14,292 --> 00:53:17,426
Okay, so what have you
been doing all day?
1298
00:53:17,428 --> 00:53:18,627
Well, it's my birthday.
1299
00:53:18,629 --> 00:53:20,196
You know,
I've been treating myself.
1300
00:53:20,198 --> 00:53:22,264
Uh, went uptown,
did a little shopping,
1301
00:53:22,266 --> 00:53:23,532
didn't find anything.
1302
00:53:23,534 --> 00:53:25,634
What are you
doing here?
1303
00:53:25,636 --> 00:53:27,903
I just was, like,
going to check out
1304
00:53:27,905 --> 00:53:29,371
the gift shop.
'Cause you never know...
1305
00:53:29,373 --> 00:53:30,253
Is that Ryan?
1306
00:53:31,308 --> 00:53:32,808
Yeah, Ryan's here.
1307
00:53:32,810 --> 00:53:33,909
Hey, Ryan!
1308
00:53:33,911 --> 00:53:36,378
Ryan, look who I ran into.
1309
00:53:36,380 --> 00:53:38,547
Hey, Chelsea.
How's it going, guys?
1310
00:53:38,549 --> 00:53:39,949
Um...
1311
00:53:39,951 --> 00:53:41,817
I'm also here because Ryan,
1312
00:53:41,819 --> 00:53:44,420
uh, was just showing me
the lounge here
1313
00:53:44,422 --> 00:53:46,488
because he knows
the manager of the hotel
1314
00:53:46,490 --> 00:53:49,491
and he's thinking maybe I could
be spinning here soon, so...
1315
00:53:49,493 --> 00:53:51,660
And that's why
you couldn't contact me?
1316
00:53:51,662 --> 00:53:56,332
My phone is, like,
going nuts lately.
1317
00:53:56,334 --> 00:53:58,254
I don't know what's going on.
I'm changing plans.
1318
00:54:00,303 --> 00:54:02,304
Is he wearing the shirt
that I bought you?
1319
00:54:02,872 --> 00:54:04,940
I have to go.
1320
00:54:07,345 --> 00:54:10,779
How much longer are you guys
gonna be doing this thing?
1321
00:54:12,415 --> 00:54:14,316
I think you should
go after him.
1322
00:54:38,908 --> 00:54:40,709
Look, it's hammy!
1323
00:54:47,817 --> 00:54:49,485
Hey! Hey, hey, hey!
1324
00:54:49,986 --> 00:54:51,453
Hey, you okay?
1325
00:54:52,622 --> 00:54:54,390
Yeah. No.
1326
00:54:54,691 --> 00:54:56,458
I'm...
1327
00:54:56,460 --> 00:54:59,628
I'm going to call my sponsor, okay?
I'm sorry.
1328
00:54:59,630 --> 00:55:01,497
Just because he had a room key
1329
00:55:01,499 --> 00:55:03,866
and was wearing a shirt
you bought Brad,
1330
00:55:03,868 --> 00:55:05,801
that doesn't mean anything.
1331
00:55:05,803 --> 00:55:07,703
I mean, guys trade
clothes in hotel rooms
1332
00:55:07,705 --> 00:55:09,672
all the time.
1333
00:55:09,674 --> 00:55:11,674
Maybe it was chilly,
you know what I mean?
1334
00:55:11,676 --> 00:55:12,875
Maybe they called up
each other...
1335
00:55:12,877 --> 00:55:14,777
"Hey, man,
I'm freezing."
1336
00:55:14,779 --> 00:55:17,346
"Uh, me, too. Why don't
you meet me at a hotel
1337
00:55:17,348 --> 00:55:19,348
"so we can switch clothes?"
1338
00:55:19,350 --> 00:55:21,383
Shh. Kelly? Can I...
1339
00:55:21,385 --> 00:55:23,952
I need to talk to you.
Please. Thank you.
1340
00:55:25,822 --> 00:55:27,389
Great.
1341
00:55:27,391 --> 00:55:28,924
I can say I've dated
every race,
1342
00:55:28,926 --> 00:55:30,459
and now I've dated gay.
1343
00:55:31,061 --> 00:55:32,695
Asian?
1344
00:55:32,697 --> 00:55:33,929
Yes, Asian.
1345
00:55:34,998 --> 00:55:37,466
Karate Asian or nerdy Asian?
1346
00:55:37,468 --> 00:55:39,835
Asian-Asian. You know,
there's a billion Chinese.
1347
00:55:39,837 --> 00:55:41,870
I think it's proven
that their dicks work.
1348
00:55:41,872 --> 00:55:43,605
Yeah.
1349
00:55:43,607 --> 00:55:45,708
I've dated married.
I've had a girlfriend.
1350
00:55:46,443 --> 00:55:47,943
Two girlfriends.
1351
00:55:47,945 --> 00:55:50,112
Okay, so you can go
all k.D. Lang,
1352
00:55:50,114 --> 00:55:52,715
but if he's with one guy,
he's gay.
1353
00:55:52,717 --> 00:55:54,350
Whatever, I don't make up
the rules. Who cares?
1354
00:55:54,352 --> 00:55:56,452
It's not about that.
That's not the point.
1355
00:55:56,454 --> 00:55:59,688
You know, stuff like this
doesn't come out of the blue.
1356
00:55:59,690 --> 00:56:01,724
There must have been
some sort of sign.
1357
00:56:02,592 --> 00:56:03,892
I'm not gonna tell you.
1358
00:56:03,894 --> 00:56:06,095
Come on, tell me something.
I'm not telling you.
1359
00:56:06,097 --> 00:56:08,997
Come on, teen mom.
Let it out.
1360
00:56:13,770 --> 00:56:15,904
Okay, so we had
a normal sex life.
1361
00:56:21,044 --> 00:56:23,846
Then one day,
out of the blue...
1362
00:56:23,848 --> 00:56:25,681
Put a finger in my ass.
1363
00:56:25,683 --> 00:56:28,751
I didn't want to do it.
Like, this was not
1364
00:56:28,753 --> 00:56:30,486
my thing, and luckily, no one
had ever asked me before,
1365
00:56:30,488 --> 00:56:31,569
so it never really came up.
1366
00:56:32,088 --> 00:56:33,956
But he asked me.
1367
00:56:33,958 --> 00:56:36,458
And then my grandmamma
popped into my brain.
1368
00:56:42,966 --> 00:56:45,000
I like your grandma.
1369
00:56:45,002 --> 00:56:47,736
So I did it
and he liked it.
1370
00:56:50,174 --> 00:56:52,408
Oh, yes. That's it.
1371
00:56:52,410 --> 00:56:54,510
Like that?
Yeah, yeah.
1372
00:56:54,512 --> 00:56:57,413
To be doing something he liked.
1373
00:56:57,415 --> 00:56:59,548
But then he wanted it
all the time. Everywhere.
1374
00:57:00,116 --> 00:57:01,617
On a plane.
1375
00:57:01,619 --> 00:57:03,185
Go another knuck.
Knuck it up, girl.
1376
00:57:03,187 --> 00:57:04,887
Knuck it up.
Yeah? Yeah?
1377
00:57:08,858 --> 00:57:10,459
At my friend's party.
1378
00:57:10,461 --> 00:57:12,561
Yes, yes, yes!
1379
00:57:12,563 --> 00:57:15,731
What's my motherfuckin' name?
Jigga!
1380
00:57:17,168 --> 00:57:19,034
Pretty soon,
that's all he wanted.
1381
00:57:19,036 --> 00:57:20,636
So one night,
we're at dinner with
1382
00:57:20,638 --> 00:57:22,838
Ryan and his "girlfriend."
1383
00:57:22,840 --> 00:57:24,640
So, Chels, you've been
looking for a place, right?
1384
00:57:24,642 --> 00:57:25,842
What's been going on with that?
1385
00:57:25,843 --> 00:57:28,110
Yeah. I'd like to buy
a house, you know,
1386
00:57:28,112 --> 00:57:30,512
but everything's
still so expensive.
1387
00:57:30,514 --> 00:57:32,448
I thought the market was down.
1388
00:57:32,450 --> 00:57:33,982
Babe, are you kidding?
1389
00:57:33,984 --> 00:57:35,884
With your credit,
you couldn't get a loan
1390
00:57:35,886 --> 00:57:37,619
if bill gates cosigned it.
1391
00:57:39,155 --> 00:57:40,456
Good one!
1392
00:57:40,458 --> 00:57:44,660
Hey, Alexa, how's your place
down in Costa Rica doing?
1393
00:57:44,662 --> 00:57:46,795
Wait a second. You got
a place in Costa Rica?
1394
00:57:46,797 --> 00:57:48,130
I felt completely humiliated,
1395
00:57:48,132 --> 00:57:49,698
but it was, you know,
just let it go.
1396
00:57:49,700 --> 00:57:51,800
It's not a big deal. You know,
you're bigger than that.
1397
00:57:51,802 --> 00:57:53,035
You got a babysitter.
1398
00:57:53,037 --> 00:57:54,757
We can have make-up sex.
It's gonna be fine.
1399
00:58:03,646 --> 00:58:04,813
Oh.
1400
00:58:07,717 --> 00:58:09,485
What? What?
1401
00:58:09,487 --> 00:58:10,986
I have to go to the bathroom.
1402
00:58:10,988 --> 00:58:13,255
Okay. All right,
go, go, go. Go.
1403
00:58:23,700 --> 00:58:26,902
I think it's dance
night, baby. You ready?
1404
00:58:29,072 --> 00:58:30,672
You know I am.
1405
00:58:32,208 --> 00:58:33,876
Come give papa what he needs.
1406
00:58:36,006 --> 00:58:38,247
I looked at his ass,
just stuck up in the air.
1407
00:58:38,249 --> 00:58:40,649
And I thought about
what he did.
1408
00:58:41,518 --> 00:58:42,718
Good one!
1409
00:58:47,257 --> 00:58:50,058
If bill gates cosigned you.
1410
00:58:50,060 --> 00:58:52,761
I don't know,
something just snapped.
1411
00:58:54,797 --> 00:58:57,866
I reached into my purse
and pulled out a tampon.
1412
00:58:57,868 --> 00:58:59,148
Then I pulled out my hot sauce.
1413
00:58:59,602 --> 00:59:00,669
No, no!
1414
00:59:01,738 --> 00:59:02,938
Don't say it!
1415
00:59:03,773 --> 00:59:05,040
And I...
1416
00:59:05,042 --> 00:59:07,543
I shoved it
up his ass.
1417
00:59:07,545 --> 00:59:08,911
Oh!
1418
00:59:10,047 --> 00:59:11,647
What is that?
1419
00:59:15,184 --> 00:59:16,251
Yup.
1420
00:59:16,253 --> 00:59:18,687
Why? Why?
1421
00:59:18,689 --> 00:59:20,022
Why are you doing this to me?
1422
00:59:20,024 --> 00:59:21,657
Take it out of here now!
1423
00:59:21,659 --> 00:59:23,926
Hey, smart ass, I don't
hear you laughing now!
1424
00:59:30,066 --> 00:59:31,900
He's such an asshole!
1425
00:59:33,570 --> 00:59:34,903
What are we doing?
1426
00:59:51,054 --> 00:59:53,121
You know,
grace really loves him.
1427
00:59:53,123 --> 00:59:54,590
Like, a lot.
1428
00:59:55,692 --> 00:59:57,626
And then he's just
gonna be gone.
1429
01:00:01,030 --> 01:00:03,065
What am I supposed to tell her?
1430
01:00:03,067 --> 01:00:05,601
Just tell her the truth.
1431
01:00:05,603 --> 01:00:07,002
I mean, you don't
want her to think
1432
01:00:07,004 --> 01:00:09,237
she's supposed to
stay with some guy
1433
01:00:09,239 --> 01:00:11,073
out of some false
sense of obligation.
1434
01:00:12,108 --> 01:00:14,643
She's gonna see
her mom fall down
1435
01:00:14,645 --> 01:00:15,744
and then she's
gonna see her mom
1436
01:00:15,746 --> 01:00:17,679
pick herself back up.
1437
01:00:17,681 --> 01:00:20,649
No, what she's going
to see is her mom
1438
01:00:20,651 --> 01:00:23,151
having paraded yet another
dude through the house
1439
01:00:23,153 --> 01:00:24,252
who's a loser!
1440
01:00:33,796 --> 01:00:36,665
Oh, my God.
My favorite.
1441
01:00:36,667 --> 01:00:37,933
My favorite.
1442
01:00:43,206 --> 01:00:45,841
You're right.
1443
01:00:45,843 --> 01:00:49,244
I'm just going to have to
start the process again
1444
01:00:49,246 --> 01:00:50,946
of vetting another dick.
1445
01:00:52,736 --> 01:00:54,016
You're not gonna
have a hard time
1446
01:00:54,018 --> 01:00:55,784
meeting anybody, come on.
1447
01:00:55,786 --> 01:00:57,886
I mean, you're smart,
you're beautiful.
1448
01:00:57,888 --> 01:00:59,888
I'm really not fishing
for compliments right now.
1449
01:00:59,890 --> 01:01:01,289
No, no. I'm serious.
1450
01:01:01,891 --> 01:01:03,091
I am, too.
1451
01:01:03,093 --> 01:01:04,693
You're beautiful.
1452
01:01:05,728 --> 01:01:06,928
You know that, right?
1453
01:01:08,931 --> 01:01:10,666
Can we get out of here?
1454
01:01:16,072 --> 01:01:18,707
What happened after that?
1455
01:01:18,709 --> 01:01:20,842
What, you just went
to brunch after that?
1456
01:01:20,844 --> 01:01:22,878
Yes, as a matter of fact.
1457
01:01:22,880 --> 01:01:24,813
We didn't even talk about it.
1458
01:01:24,815 --> 01:01:25,914
I thought we were breaking up,
1459
01:01:25,916 --> 01:01:27,783
but apparently not, you know.
1460
01:01:27,785 --> 01:01:29,151
And that's why I've been
feeling so guilty,
1461
01:01:29,153 --> 01:01:32,020
and trying to figure out
what to do with his birthday.
1462
01:01:32,022 --> 01:01:34,156
Oh, come on, he's not
gonna break up over that.
1463
01:01:34,158 --> 01:01:36,725
Why not? 'Cause what's he
supposed to tell people?
1464
01:01:36,727 --> 01:01:38,460
"Yeah, we broke up
'cause my girlfriend
1465
01:01:38,462 --> 01:01:40,862
"shoved a red hot
chili pepper up my ass."
1466
01:01:40,864 --> 01:01:43,165
No, no, no. He's gonna
wait to do something like
1467
01:01:43,167 --> 01:01:45,100
cheat on you or hit you.
1468
01:01:45,102 --> 01:01:46,802
You know, like, a nice
respectable break-up.
1469
01:01:46,804 --> 01:01:49,004
Hit me? Hit me?
Not...
1470
01:01:49,006 --> 01:01:51,473
Something respectable like
cheat on me or hit me.
1471
01:01:51,475 --> 01:01:52,808
So basically,
what you're saying is that
1472
01:01:52,810 --> 01:01:54,109
you're taking his side.
Awesome.
1473
01:01:54,111 --> 01:01:55,811
I'm not taking his side.
I mean...
1474
01:01:55,813 --> 01:01:57,479
Clearly you are.
Come on. Come on.
1475
01:01:57,481 --> 01:02:00,749
I can't believe
you didn't see this shit.
1476
01:02:00,751 --> 01:02:02,451
I mean, he was wrong, okay?
He was wrong.
1477
01:02:02,453 --> 01:02:05,153
But he wasn't
burning-ass wrong.
1478
01:02:05,155 --> 01:02:08,090
See, that's why I didn't
want to tell you.
1479
01:02:08,092 --> 01:02:10,492
I open up to you
and you laugh at me.
1480
01:02:10,494 --> 01:02:12,761
It's funny.
It's not funny!
1481
01:02:12,763 --> 01:02:14,396
What's funny about
being cheated on?
1482
01:02:14,398 --> 01:02:19,334
About cheating, then you're very naive.
1483
01:02:19,336 --> 01:02:23,071
Naive? I'm naive? Wow.
1484
01:02:23,073 --> 01:02:26,842
Mr. "oh, the network
picks out my rings."
1485
01:02:26,844 --> 01:02:29,945
Mr. "oh, I owe
somebody a wedding."
1486
01:02:29,947 --> 01:02:33,415
Oh, okay, first of all,
you don't know me...
1487
01:02:33,417 --> 01:02:37,953
Miss "I used my boyfriend's
ass as a hand puppet."
1488
01:02:37,955 --> 01:02:39,154
Yeah, yeah.
1489
01:02:39,156 --> 01:02:41,089
I don't need to know you
1490
01:02:41,091 --> 01:02:42,324
to know that
something is wrong.
1491
01:02:42,326 --> 01:02:44,259
Why do you even care, okay?
1492
01:02:44,261 --> 01:02:46,228
Why don't you care?
1493
01:02:46,230 --> 01:02:47,829
Can we just talk
about my movie?
1494
01:02:48,464 --> 01:02:50,866
Fuck your shitty movie!
1495
01:03:10,386 --> 01:03:12,154
We should stop.
1496
01:03:12,156 --> 01:03:13,555
What the fuck are we doing?
1497
01:03:16,325 --> 01:03:17,926
We gotta get out of here.
1498
01:03:18,060 --> 01:03:19,361
Yes.
1499
01:03:20,263 --> 01:03:22,998
But first...
What?
1500
01:03:23,000 --> 01:03:25,233
You gotta get your hands
out my pants.
1501
01:03:25,235 --> 01:03:27,536
You gotta get your hands
out of my pants.
1502
01:03:27,538 --> 01:03:29,237
You first.
You first.
1503
01:03:31,073 --> 01:03:32,440
Okay, on three.
1504
01:03:32,442 --> 01:03:34,242
Okay. At the same time.
1505
01:03:34,244 --> 01:03:35,811
Same time.
Okay.
1506
01:03:35,813 --> 01:03:37,546
Same time, motherfucker.
1507
01:03:37,548 --> 01:03:39,080
One,
1508
01:03:39,415 --> 01:03:40,849
two,
1509
01:03:42,518 --> 01:03:43,885
three.
1510
01:03:47,123 --> 01:03:48,123
Ooh.
1511
01:03:48,125 --> 01:03:49,858
Goddamn.
1512
01:03:53,129 --> 01:03:55,297
Okay. Uh...
1513
01:04:00,069 --> 01:04:02,003
We should get out of here?
1514
01:04:02,872 --> 01:04:06,241
Um, yeah, yeah,
but you go first.
1515
01:04:06,243 --> 01:04:08,910
We can't get out of here
at the same time.
1516
01:04:10,479 --> 01:04:11,880
Okay, I mean, you know...
1517
01:04:13,182 --> 01:04:15,584
Remember,
nothing happened, right?
1518
01:04:15,586 --> 01:04:17,252
Yeah, like, just
because we didn't fuck
1519
01:04:17,254 --> 01:04:18,887
it doesn't mean that
we didn't fuck around.
1520
01:04:18,889 --> 01:04:20,989
So you go first
and then I'll come out
1521
01:04:20,991 --> 01:04:24,125
in a couple seconds.
A couple minutes.
1522
01:04:24,127 --> 01:04:26,862
Okay, so I'm going
to get out of here.
1523
01:04:26,864 --> 01:04:28,263
Okay. I gotta make
a call anyway.
1524
01:04:30,266 --> 01:04:31,900
Shit, my phone's dead.
1525
01:04:31,902 --> 01:04:33,401
I gotta call fucking London.
1526
01:04:33,936 --> 01:04:35,070
Um...
1527
01:04:35,571 --> 01:04:37,005
Here, use mine.
1528
01:04:37,940 --> 01:04:39,007
Okay.
1529
01:04:42,078 --> 01:04:43,578
Code, 1999.
1530
01:04:43,580 --> 01:04:45,447
Thanks.
1531
01:04:49,185 --> 01:04:50,452
Yo, yo, silk.
1532
01:04:50,454 --> 01:04:52,087
You're hammy the bear!
1533
01:04:52,089 --> 01:04:55,457
Yeah, yeah, have him pick
me up at the coffee shop.
1534
01:04:55,459 --> 01:04:56,658
Yeah, union square.
1535
01:04:57,393 --> 01:04:59,194
Two iced coffees!
1536
01:05:04,133 --> 01:05:05,333
Hammy!
1537
01:05:22,585 --> 01:05:24,452
Hammy,
I love you, man!
1538
01:05:45,141 --> 01:05:47,375
What the fuck?
1539
01:05:47,377 --> 01:05:50,178
Chelsea is James Nielson?
1540
01:05:50,180 --> 01:05:51,713
Why, 'cause your boy
James Nielson
1541
01:05:51,715 --> 01:05:53,415
said he wouldn't
watch my next movie
1542
01:05:53,417 --> 01:05:54,697
if it was playing
in his glasses?
1543
01:05:55,184 --> 01:05:56,284
James.
1544
01:06:04,293 --> 01:06:06,094
I love you, Andre!
1545
01:06:07,463 --> 01:06:09,431
Andre!
1546
01:06:09,433 --> 01:06:12,267
Oh, my God, it's Andre Allen!
1547
01:06:12,269 --> 01:06:14,035
When are you gonna do
another hammy movie?
1548
01:06:16,605 --> 01:06:18,239
Your boss is looking for you.
1549
01:06:20,142 --> 01:06:21,309
Okay.
1550
01:06:24,447 --> 01:06:25,613
Are you okay?
1551
01:06:25,615 --> 01:06:26,748
Yeah, I'm fine.
1552
01:06:32,621 --> 01:06:35,190
You're James Nielson.
1553
01:06:35,192 --> 01:06:36,992
Were you going
through my phone?
1554
01:06:36,994 --> 01:06:39,194
I went through your phone
looking for naked pictures.
1555
01:06:39,196 --> 01:06:40,495
That's going through my phone.
1556
01:06:40,497 --> 01:06:43,665
That's beside the point.
You're James Nielson.
1557
01:06:45,568 --> 01:06:47,502
It's not what you think.
1558
01:06:47,504 --> 01:06:50,405
You trashed me for years.
1559
01:06:50,407 --> 01:06:53,742
And then you hang around me
like you're my friend?
1560
01:06:53,744 --> 01:06:55,543
I'm sorry.
I've been wanting
1561
01:06:55,545 --> 01:06:57,178
to say something all day,
I just didn't know how.
1562
01:06:57,180 --> 01:06:59,180
Oh, shut the fuck up.
1563
01:06:59,182 --> 01:07:00,749
Now you're lying
on top of your lies.
1564
01:07:00,751 --> 01:07:03,118
I'm not lying.
You're lying.
1565
01:07:03,120 --> 01:07:05,153
I remember in one
of your reviews, you go,
1566
01:07:05,155 --> 01:07:07,088
"o. J.'S been
brought to justice.
1567
01:07:07,090 --> 01:07:09,591
"Bin laden's been
brought to justice.
1568
01:07:09,593 --> 01:07:12,627
"When will Andre Allen
be brought to justice
1569
01:07:12,629 --> 01:07:15,096
"for his crimes
against humanity?"
1570
01:07:16,665 --> 01:07:19,200
My mother read that shit.
1571
01:07:21,604 --> 01:07:23,371
Oh, Andre Allen.
1572
01:07:26,409 --> 01:07:27,642
Andre?
1573
01:07:27,644 --> 01:07:29,044
Hammy!
1574
01:07:34,784 --> 01:07:36,117
Andre.
1575
01:07:37,386 --> 01:07:38,586
Okay, maybe I took it too far.
1576
01:07:38,588 --> 01:07:39,821
You think?
1577
01:07:40,389 --> 01:07:41,456
Yeah.
1578
01:07:42,725 --> 01:07:44,759
I was so happy 10 minutes ago.
1579
01:07:44,761 --> 01:07:46,561
Me, too.
1580
01:07:46,563 --> 01:07:48,463
You told me you were in the program.
I am.
1581
01:07:48,465 --> 01:07:49,597
You're not in the program.
1582
01:07:49,599 --> 01:07:51,499
I am. That's the truth.
1583
01:07:51,501 --> 01:07:53,134
What do they tell you
in the program?
1584
01:07:53,136 --> 01:07:55,537
What do they tell us?
"Rigorous honesty."
1585
01:07:55,539 --> 01:07:56,805
I know.
1586
01:07:56,807 --> 01:07:59,240
Rigorous fucking honesty.
I know.
1587
01:08:01,077 --> 01:08:03,645
You wanna know why I won't
make any funny movies?
1588
01:08:03,647 --> 01:08:05,213
'Cause I never did it clean.
1589
01:08:07,083 --> 01:08:08,616
Every time you
ever seen me be funny,
1590
01:08:08,618 --> 01:08:10,485
I was drunk or high, or both.
1591
01:08:10,487 --> 01:08:14,122
Every time. Every show.
I was fucked up.
1592
01:08:14,124 --> 01:08:15,824
And now people
want me to be funny.
1593
01:08:15,826 --> 01:08:18,159
And you know what?
I don't know if I can do it.
1594
01:08:20,129 --> 01:08:21,362
And I'm scared.
1595
01:08:21,797 --> 01:08:24,265
I am scared.
1596
01:08:25,634 --> 01:08:27,235
Rigorous honesty.
1597
01:08:49,525 --> 01:08:51,526
The wedding
is tracking like crazy.
1598
01:08:51,528 --> 01:08:53,128
There are no more ads to buy.
1599
01:08:53,130 --> 01:08:54,529
You sure you can't talk him
1600
01:08:54,531 --> 01:08:55,830
into doing a few more
receptions?
1601
01:08:55,832 --> 01:08:58,366
Mmm-mmm.
No, I don't think so.
1602
01:08:58,368 --> 01:08:59,834
But I'm pretty sure
I can sell him
1603
01:08:59,836 --> 01:09:01,469
on more honeymoon stuff.
1604
01:09:01,471 --> 01:09:03,872
Don't worry.
I'll get him on board.
1605
01:09:03,874 --> 01:09:05,340
How's the movie
tracking?
1606
01:09:09,312 --> 01:09:10,512
So,
what's the line for?
1607
01:09:10,514 --> 01:09:11,813
Wo Boo.
1608
01:09:11,815 --> 01:09:13,214
What's that?
1609
01:09:13,216 --> 01:09:14,883
Oh, it's the new
Tyler Perry movie.
1610
01:09:14,885 --> 01:09:17,485
It's where Madea gets
trapped in a haunted house.
1611
01:09:17,487 --> 01:09:19,654
It's doing great.
Yo, hammy!
1612
01:09:19,656 --> 01:09:21,623
Good for him.
So, how am I doing?
1613
01:09:33,269 --> 01:09:35,670
So how's it playing
on the other screens?
1614
01:09:35,672 --> 01:09:38,239
This is the only screen
it's playing on.
1615
01:09:59,895 --> 01:10:01,329
Stop here.
1616
01:11:09,898 --> 01:11:10,965
Yeah.
1617
01:11:19,683 --> 01:11:21,643
Hey, yo, man, you mind
if I get a picture with you
1618
01:11:21,645 --> 01:11:22,977
real quick, man? I'm a
big fan of your movies.
1619
01:11:22,979 --> 01:11:24,445
I love all of it, man.
1620
01:11:24,447 --> 01:11:26,381
Not right now, man,
not right now.
1621
01:11:27,950 --> 01:11:29,884
Come on, let me get
one picture with you.
1622
01:11:34,290 --> 01:11:35,490
Hey, what's that?
1623
01:11:44,566 --> 01:11:45,633
Hey!
1624
01:11:47,036 --> 01:11:48,603
Hammy
the fucking beer?
1625
01:11:50,539 --> 01:11:51,439
Fuck you, hammy!
1626
01:11:52,875 --> 01:11:54,642
Hammy the fucking beer?
1627
01:12:03,485 --> 01:12:04,852
No!
1628
01:12:04,854 --> 01:12:06,654
I need you to relax.
Get away from me!
1629
01:12:06,656 --> 01:12:09,023
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
1630
01:12:10,660 --> 01:12:11,926
Come on!
1631
01:12:19,535 --> 01:12:20,601
Hammy!
1632
01:12:21,403 --> 01:12:23,104
Wassup, ham?
1633
01:12:23,106 --> 01:12:24,639
You saw me, man.
You heard me.
1634
01:12:24,641 --> 01:12:26,007
Hammy!
1635
01:12:26,009 --> 01:12:30,378
At a grocery store
in Manhattan.
1636
01:12:31,480 --> 01:12:33,481
Out, please.
Thank you.
1637
01:12:35,084 --> 01:12:36,751
Can we clear the room, please?
1638
01:12:36,753 --> 01:12:38,486
Quickly, thank you.
1639
01:12:38,488 --> 01:12:40,388
Thank you.
All right, let's go.
1640
01:12:44,860 --> 01:12:45,827
Dre?
1641
01:12:46,695 --> 01:12:49,430
Hey, hey.
1642
01:12:49,432 --> 01:12:51,933
I cannot believe
you did this to me.
1643
01:12:51,935 --> 01:12:53,468
Are you kidding me?
1644
01:12:53,470 --> 01:12:55,436
Right before our wedding?
Really?
1645
01:12:55,438 --> 01:12:59,774
It is on CNN, Fox, Tmz,
media fucking takeout!
1646
01:12:59,776 --> 01:13:01,642
As soon as I get out of here,
I'm gonna come right to you.
1647
01:13:01,644 --> 01:13:03,578
No, no, no. You're not
gonna come to me.
1648
01:13:03,580 --> 01:13:05,646
You're gonna go to your
fucking bachelor party!
1649
01:13:05,648 --> 01:13:07,009
You can still
make this right, dre.
1650
01:13:08,083 --> 01:13:10,885
I'm an alcoholic.
I'm a fucking drunk.
1651
01:13:10,887 --> 01:13:14,389
Do you really think
I need to go to a party?
1652
01:13:14,391 --> 01:13:16,023
You have to do this.
1653
01:13:16,025 --> 01:13:18,059
Did you forget
who the fuck I am?
1654
01:13:18,061 --> 01:13:19,994
I turned down Bradley Cooper!
1655
01:13:19,996 --> 01:13:22,563
Matt kemp!
Matt fucking kemp!
1656
01:13:22,565 --> 01:13:24,599
I could have had anybody!
1657
01:13:25,100 --> 01:13:27,101
I chose you, dre.
1658
01:13:27,103 --> 01:13:29,971
Everybody wanted to wife
me, and I chose you.
1659
01:13:29,973 --> 01:13:31,739
Dre, what do I do?
1660
01:13:31,741 --> 01:13:34,175
Every time I see you
after we've been separated,
1661
01:13:34,177 --> 01:13:35,610
what do I do?
1662
01:13:35,612 --> 01:13:36,944
We have sex?
1663
01:13:36,946 --> 01:13:40,148
No, no, no. Not just sex.
1664
01:13:40,150 --> 01:13:42,884
After every time
we have been separated,
1665
01:13:42,886 --> 01:13:44,919
the moment I see you,
1666
01:13:44,921 --> 01:13:47,488
the second you walk
through the door,
1667
01:13:47,490 --> 01:13:49,657
I suck your dick!
Every time!
1668
01:13:49,659 --> 01:13:51,692
Do you think
I wanted to do that? Dre?
1669
01:13:52,828 --> 01:13:55,797
I didn't know you were
keeping a blow job tab.
1670
01:13:55,799 --> 01:13:58,466
That's not what I'm saying.
What I am saying, dre,
1671
01:13:58,468 --> 01:14:02,069
is that I sucked
your dick for us!
1672
01:14:02,071 --> 01:14:04,138
I sucked it for us
because I knew,
1673
01:14:04,140 --> 01:14:05,773
sooner or later,
1674
01:14:05,775 --> 01:14:08,443
I was gonna need you
to do something for me
1675
01:14:08,445 --> 01:14:09,911
that you didn't want to do.
1676
01:14:10,546 --> 01:14:11,846
You owe me.
1677
01:14:12,714 --> 01:14:14,849
Do you hear yourself?
1678
01:14:14,851 --> 01:14:16,651
You're addicted to this shit.
1679
01:14:18,020 --> 01:14:20,555
See, what you're
not understanding,
1680
01:14:21,190 --> 01:14:23,090
this is all I have.
1681
01:14:24,560 --> 01:14:28,129
Okay? I don't have a talent.
1682
01:14:28,131 --> 01:14:30,698
Right?
I don't sing.
1683
01:14:30,700 --> 01:14:34,001
I don't dance. I don't act.
I don't tell jokes.
1684
01:14:34,003 --> 01:14:36,037
I'm not you, dre.
1685
01:14:38,574 --> 01:14:40,675
You have to...
You have to choose me.
1686
01:14:40,677 --> 01:14:41,909
Erica?
1687
01:14:41,911 --> 01:14:43,978
Okay? Everyone needs
to see you choose me.
1688
01:14:43,980 --> 01:14:45,813
Erica.
I am finally famous.
1689
01:14:45,815 --> 01:14:47,548
Don't ruin this for me!
1690
01:14:47,550 --> 01:14:49,484
Give me the phone.
Give me the phone.
1691
01:15:00,095 --> 01:15:02,029
Don't say nothin'.
1692
01:15:02,031 --> 01:15:04,131
Oh, look at you.
You look great.
1693
01:15:04,801 --> 01:15:07,768
These streets are dangerous.
I said it.
1694
01:15:09,605 --> 01:15:11,272
This reminds me
of eighth grade.
1695
01:15:11,274 --> 01:15:13,674
We got locked up for playing hooky.
Remember that?
1696
01:15:14,676 --> 01:15:16,110
Don't say "we."
1697
01:15:17,112 --> 01:15:19,247
The cops grabbed me.
1698
01:15:19,249 --> 01:15:21,282
You let 'em catch you.
1699
01:15:21,284 --> 01:15:22,950
What was I supposed to do,
1700
01:15:22,952 --> 01:15:24,685
let you get locked up
by yourself?
1701
01:15:26,622 --> 01:15:28,556
Dre, next time
they give you one call,
1702
01:15:34,763 --> 01:15:36,597
Here's what
you are going to do.
1703
01:15:37,699 --> 01:15:40,101
You are going to attend
your bachelor party.
1704
01:15:41,296 --> 01:15:43,137
And then you're going to
climb up on that jet
1705
01:15:43,139 --> 01:15:45,673
and you, my man,
are going to get married.
1706
01:15:46,808 --> 01:15:49,010
And then, and only then,
1707
01:15:49,012 --> 01:15:50,912
I will make sure that
your little incident
1708
01:15:50,914 --> 01:15:52,914
plays into the press
like it was part of the show.
1709
01:15:52,916 --> 01:15:54,749
I will tell the media,
the cops,
1710
01:15:54,751 --> 01:15:55,883
your parole officer,
1711
01:15:55,885 --> 01:15:57,552
that we all thought
the alcohol was fake.
1712
01:15:57,554 --> 01:15:59,554
Everybody knows that
these shows aren't real.
1713
01:15:59,556 --> 01:16:01,989
But if you decide
to do something drastic,
1714
01:16:04,126 --> 01:16:05,860
you are on your own.
1715
01:16:06,762 --> 01:16:07,962
Your own.
1716
01:16:12,968 --> 01:16:14,569
It's okay.
1717
01:16:52,942 --> 01:16:56,377
Hey, young lady,
it is way past your bedtime.
1718
01:16:56,379 --> 01:16:57,778
Come on, two more minutes?
1719
01:16:57,780 --> 01:16:59,246
I got some more pigs to kill.
1720
01:16:59,248 --> 01:17:00,982
Turn off grandma's phone.
1721
01:17:00,984 --> 01:17:02,783
It's not grandma's.
It's mine.
1722
01:17:03,619 --> 01:17:04,685
Yours.
1723
01:17:05,687 --> 01:17:07,154
Who gave you a phone?
1724
01:17:07,156 --> 01:17:08,389
The prince sent it.
1725
01:17:13,983 --> 01:17:15,663
I got strict orders
to have you out of here
1726
01:17:15,665 --> 01:17:17,098
in 45 minutes.
1727
01:17:17,100 --> 01:17:18,766
Sorry about the movie.
1728
01:17:18,768 --> 01:17:21,068
There's always word of mouth.
It could still be a hit!
1729
01:17:21,070 --> 01:17:22,903
If you say so.
1730
01:17:39,921 --> 01:17:41,422
You guys
ever been here?
1731
01:17:41,424 --> 01:17:43,758
I have not been here.
1732
01:17:43,760 --> 01:17:45,993
No. My wife gave me
20 minutes
1733
01:17:45,995 --> 01:17:47,094
and said,
"get in, get out."
1734
01:17:47,096 --> 01:17:48,262
We're not here now.
1735
01:17:49,966 --> 01:17:51,766
Watch your pockets, too,
they will pick it.
1736
01:17:51,768 --> 01:17:53,234
That's a guarantee.
Not being racist.
1737
01:17:53,236 --> 01:17:54,702
That's being ho-ist.
Who?
1738
01:17:54,704 --> 01:17:55,836
Some of these chicks need money
1739
01:17:55,838 --> 01:17:57,138
and you fuckin'
know it. Relax.
1740
01:17:57,140 --> 01:17:58,439
You been here before, whoopi?
1741
01:17:58,441 --> 01:17:59,807
Mmm-mmm.
1742
01:17:59,809 --> 01:18:01,142
Wo Hey, whoopi.
1743
01:18:01,144 --> 01:18:02,076
Hi, Jasmine.
1744
01:18:02,078 --> 01:18:03,244
Wo Hi, Jerry.
1745
01:18:03,246 --> 01:18:05,146
My niece.
1746
01:18:05,148 --> 01:18:06,847
She goes to my temple.
1747
01:18:08,016 --> 01:18:10,418
Whatever you do,
don't get a mistress.
1748
01:18:10,420 --> 01:18:12,119
Can't do it.
You'll get caught.
1749
01:18:12,121 --> 01:18:14,388
Just be a good person. You can handle that.
Just be good.
1750
01:18:14,390 --> 01:18:15,856
Stay good to her.
1751
01:18:15,858 --> 01:18:18,459
Stay true to her.
Whack off.
1752
01:18:18,461 --> 01:18:20,094
Whack off.
Whack off.
1753
01:18:20,096 --> 01:18:21,762
Whack off.
1754
01:18:21,764 --> 01:18:25,366
And if it does happen,
do not confess.
1755
01:18:25,368 --> 01:18:27,802
You will get caught.
Just because...
1756
01:18:27,804 --> 01:18:29,303
No matter what,
even if she finds
1757
01:18:29,305 --> 01:18:31,939
an actual vagina
in your pocket.
1758
01:18:31,941 --> 01:18:33,841
Don't confess. "I
don't know how it got there."
1759
01:18:33,843 --> 01:18:36,711
My wife found two pussies
in my glove compartment.
1760
01:18:36,713 --> 01:18:38,345
And I had to convince her,
you know,
1761
01:18:38,347 --> 01:18:40,014
it's a standard option
on a Mercedes.
1762
01:18:42,051 --> 01:18:44,452
You can lie as much as you
want, she's going to know.
1763
01:18:44,454 --> 01:18:45,720
It takes a village.
1764
01:18:45,722 --> 01:18:46,854
Don't cheat.
1765
01:18:46,856 --> 01:18:48,122
I have no plans to cheat.
1766
01:18:48,124 --> 01:18:49,256
I know, no one does.
1767
01:18:49,258 --> 01:18:50,758
No one plans to speed.
1768
01:18:51,793 --> 01:18:55,229
Biggie, Jay, nas,
ghostface, jadakiss.
1769
01:18:55,231 --> 01:18:56,831
If you gonna say gang starr,
1770
01:18:56,833 --> 01:18:59,033
then you need to say
c.L. Smooth, Pete rock.
1771
01:18:59,035 --> 01:19:00,901
You the one that picked
the scenario over...
1772
01:19:01,470 --> 01:19:03,070
What's the other one?
1773
01:19:03,072 --> 01:19:05,005
The symphony.
The symphony.
1774
01:19:05,007 --> 01:19:08,342
Fucking scenario is better
than symphony, nigga!
1775
01:19:08,344 --> 01:19:10,211
Can I finish?
1776
01:19:36,338 --> 01:19:37,938
So how you doing?
1777
01:19:37,940 --> 01:19:40,808
I'm all right. I mean,
all that stuff that's on TV,
1778
01:19:40,810 --> 01:19:42,510
that was...
That was just for the show.
1779
01:19:42,512 --> 01:19:43,978
I'm not really drinking.
1780
01:19:43,980 --> 01:19:46,080
Okay, I got married
a lot of times.
1781
01:19:46,082 --> 01:19:48,182
You've been at several
of my weddings.
1782
01:19:48,184 --> 01:19:50,985
But I always knew
that wasn't what I was into.
1783
01:19:50,987 --> 01:19:54,088
I wasn't into the wedding
and everyone knew it.
1784
01:19:54,090 --> 01:19:56,023
I should have been
into the guy.
1785
01:19:56,025 --> 01:19:57,958
As you should be into the girl.
1786
01:19:57,960 --> 01:20:00,261
Make her sign the prenup.
Prenup.
1787
01:20:00,263 --> 01:20:03,564
It's a hard conversation,
but just do it.
1788
01:20:03,566 --> 01:20:05,466
You will be happy
in the long run.
1789
01:20:05,468 --> 01:20:06,801
My money.
Whose money is it?
1790
01:20:06,803 --> 01:20:09,570
Who wrote the jokes?
I wrote the jokes.
1791
01:20:09,572 --> 01:20:12,239
Keep that fucking cash.
Sign that shit.
1792
01:20:12,241 --> 01:20:13,507
Did you get one?
1793
01:20:14,342 --> 01:20:15,976
I did not.
1794
01:20:15,978 --> 01:20:17,211
Fuck!
1795
01:20:40,889 --> 01:20:42,369
Gonna go outside
and check on the car.
1796
01:20:42,371 --> 01:20:43,938
Got a plane to catch.
1797
01:20:43,940 --> 01:20:46,006
All right, hurry up.
We gotta get out of here.
1798
01:20:46,008 --> 01:20:47,608
I'm on it!
You know I'm on it.
1799
01:20:49,911 --> 01:20:51,612
Hey, Andre, she really
loved the phone.
1800
01:20:55,150 --> 01:20:56,350
James Nielson!
1801
01:20:58,119 --> 01:20:59,587
Can I talk to you for a second?
1802
01:20:59,589 --> 01:21:01,922
I don't want to talk to you, James.
Please?
1803
01:21:01,924 --> 01:21:04,592
No! I don't want to talk.
Hey, everybody!
1804
01:21:04,594 --> 01:21:08,028
This man right here
is a journalist!
1805
01:21:08,030 --> 01:21:10,431
He is not to be trusted!
1806
01:21:10,433 --> 01:21:12,499
Okay. I'm sorry.
1807
01:21:12,501 --> 01:21:14,001
Okay, James is a character
1808
01:21:14,003 --> 01:21:15,603
I created a very long time ago,
1809
01:21:15,605 --> 01:21:18,072
and unfortunately, he's still
a very popular character.
1810
01:21:18,074 --> 01:21:21,108
Character? What are you,
Sasha fierce?
1811
01:21:21,110 --> 01:21:23,611
Oh, I got it.
Shakira Simmons.
1812
01:21:23,613 --> 01:21:25,246
Shakara.
Shakara Simmons.
1813
01:21:25,248 --> 01:21:26,947
Yeah.
Who gives a fuck?
1814
01:21:29,351 --> 01:21:31,151
Was it all a lie?
Of course not.
1815
01:21:31,153 --> 01:21:32,519
Were you in character
the whole time?
1816
01:21:32,521 --> 01:21:33,954
No!
1817
01:21:35,123 --> 01:21:36,590
Any of it?
1818
01:21:36,592 --> 01:21:39,960
Your mother, your kid.
Your cinderella bullshit.
1819
01:21:39,962 --> 01:21:42,229
I'm really sorry.
What I did was wrong
1820
01:21:42,231 --> 01:21:44,598
and it was creepy
and it was weird.
1821
01:21:44,600 --> 01:21:46,233
And I know you
won't believe me,
1822
01:21:46,235 --> 01:21:48,969
but I actually did it because I like you.
All right?
1823
01:21:48,971 --> 01:21:50,404
The fan in me
just wanted to know
1824
01:21:50,406 --> 01:21:52,306
what happened to that guy
that I saw at purchase.
1825
01:21:52,308 --> 01:21:53,407
You liked me?
1826
01:21:53,409 --> 01:21:55,075
Yes, that made me
laugh and cry.
1827
01:21:55,077 --> 01:21:56,343
You can't touch the girls.
1828
01:21:56,345 --> 01:21:59,346
I don't know where it is,
but she has it.
1829
01:21:59,348 --> 01:22:00,547
I don't have any clothes on.
1830
01:22:00,549 --> 01:22:02,249
Where am I gonna put it?
1831
01:22:02,251 --> 01:22:04,485
Do I have to say it?
1832
01:22:04,487 --> 01:22:07,254
We got drama. Come on.
We gotta go.
1833
01:22:07,256 --> 01:22:09,490
Let's get out of here. Let's go.
Let's go. Let's go.
1834
01:22:10,525 --> 01:22:11,659
Hey, Andre?
1835
01:22:15,263 --> 01:22:16,997
Are you going my way?
1836
01:22:29,177 --> 01:22:30,644
So are you okay, Alky?
1837
01:22:32,213 --> 01:22:34,481
Yeah, I'm real good.
1838
01:22:34,483 --> 01:22:36,083
It's not as bad as it looks.
1839
01:22:39,354 --> 01:22:41,121
I got a Google alert that said
1840
01:22:41,123 --> 01:22:43,691
that the incident
was part of the show.
1841
01:22:43,693 --> 01:22:46,527
But I could tell that
you were really drinking.
1842
01:22:46,529 --> 01:22:47,661
You're not that good
of an actor.
1843
01:22:47,663 --> 01:22:49,396
Mmm, nice one, James.
1844
01:22:54,669 --> 01:22:56,737
Hey, where are we going?
1845
01:22:56,739 --> 01:22:59,540
I thought we were just
dropping her off.
1846
01:22:59,542 --> 01:23:01,022
We're just making
a little stop first.
1847
01:23:01,376 --> 01:23:02,576
Stop where?
1848
01:23:09,351 --> 01:23:11,118
Yo, come on.
1849
01:23:14,289 --> 01:23:16,056
Thank you.
1850
01:23:19,728 --> 01:23:21,261
I thought we'd just
see a couple,
1851
01:23:21,263 --> 01:23:23,497
and then, you know, we can
just get out of here.
1852
01:23:25,401 --> 01:23:27,001
Yo, hammy!
1853
01:23:27,003 --> 01:23:28,369
Wassup, hammy!
1854
01:23:32,741 --> 01:23:34,408
What's happenin', man?
1855
01:23:34,410 --> 01:23:36,143
You going on?
No, no.
1856
01:23:36,145 --> 01:23:37,277
All right.
1857
01:23:40,716 --> 01:23:42,716
Look around the room,
look around the room,
1858
01:23:42,718 --> 01:23:44,251
look around the room,
1859
01:23:44,253 --> 01:23:45,719
any guy not laughing
at that right now,
1860
01:23:45,721 --> 01:23:47,121
is on a date.
1861
01:23:48,524 --> 01:23:50,157
There is a battle
going on at the table
1862
01:23:50,159 --> 01:23:52,092
between the man and the woman.
1863
01:23:52,094 --> 01:23:53,527
What's up, man?
The man wants leverage.
1864
01:23:53,529 --> 01:23:55,229
How's it going?
The woman wants leverage.
1865
01:23:55,231 --> 01:23:56,697
See, when the check comes,
1866
01:23:56,699 --> 01:23:59,767
that's called
the "no pussy deposit."
1867
01:24:01,771 --> 01:24:06,240
on not having to do shit with
you later on that night.
1868
01:24:06,242 --> 01:24:08,409
You ever see how the girl,
when she drops the twenty,
1869
01:24:08,411 --> 01:24:10,477
she holds her hand up like
she shot a three-pointer,
1870
01:24:10,479 --> 01:24:12,613
then gets back
on defense? Bam!
1871
01:24:12,615 --> 01:24:15,682
Oh, my gosh,
look at this outfit.
1872
01:24:15,684 --> 01:24:19,319
This is what you look like
when you start giving up.
1873
01:24:19,321 --> 01:24:21,121
Take a note.
People keep asking me
1874
01:24:21,123 --> 01:24:23,257
if I'm from Michigan.
I'm like, "no, I'm done.
1875
01:24:23,259 --> 01:24:24,625
"It looks the same."
1876
01:24:26,796 --> 01:24:29,196
It looks exactly
the fucking same.
1877
01:24:29,198 --> 01:24:30,764
I don't wear anything
that doesn't transition well
1878
01:24:30,766 --> 01:24:33,100
to bed from now on.
1879
01:24:33,102 --> 01:24:34,635
If I can't pull the bra
out the sleeve,
1880
01:24:34,637 --> 01:24:35,718
I'm not interested in you.
1881
01:24:36,538 --> 01:24:38,238
I'm not interested.
1882
01:24:38,240 --> 01:24:39,673
Yeah, how come
every movie with slaves
1883
01:24:39,675 --> 01:24:41,208
always has that one scene?
1884
01:24:51,486 --> 01:24:53,387
It's like...
It's like slave idol.
1885
01:25:00,328 --> 01:25:02,763
You guys ain't going
to believe this.
1886
01:25:02,765 --> 01:25:06,500
The one, the only, Andre Allen!
1887
01:25:25,453 --> 01:25:26,653
Whoo!
1888
01:25:28,323 --> 01:25:29,189
Whoo!
1889
01:25:31,493 --> 01:25:33,127
Oh, wow.
1890
01:25:33,129 --> 01:25:34,695
Um...
1891
01:25:34,697 --> 01:25:37,197
What can I say? Um...
1892
01:25:37,199 --> 01:25:38,866
Please lower your expectations.
1893
01:25:40,536 --> 01:25:43,403
It's not gonna be that good.
1894
01:25:43,405 --> 01:25:45,372
What the hell
am I doing up here?
1895
01:25:45,374 --> 01:25:48,408
I haven't done this
in a long time.
1896
01:25:48,410 --> 01:25:51,378
It's like, "I hate dating.
I hate dating."
1897
01:25:51,380 --> 01:25:53,814
I like dates.
Dates are cool.
1898
01:25:53,816 --> 01:25:57,718
'Cause a date means someone
is considering fucking you.
1899
01:26:01,789 --> 01:26:04,158
They have to, like,
ponder it. It's just...
1900
01:26:05,860 --> 01:26:07,794
Anybody you can eat with,
1901
01:26:07,796 --> 01:26:09,863
you might have
a chance of fucking.
1902
01:26:11,332 --> 01:26:14,735
So, and they're just
pondering fucking you.
1903
01:26:14,737 --> 01:26:16,203
They're weighing it
in their head.
1904
01:26:16,205 --> 01:26:17,404
They're going, "ah..."
1905
01:26:17,406 --> 01:26:21,508
"ah, his dick, my mouth.
I wonder."
1906
01:26:21,510 --> 01:26:25,312
And even if it doesn't happen,
you just feel... I feel good.
1907
01:26:25,314 --> 01:26:27,281
I mean, any day
somebody thinks about
1908
01:26:27,283 --> 01:26:29,183
fucking you is a good day.
1909
01:26:30,785 --> 01:26:32,853
That's the thing
with women. Like...
1910
01:26:32,855 --> 01:26:34,721
They don't... no matter
what you do for a woman,
1911
01:26:34,723 --> 01:26:36,456
if it doesn't end in marriage,
1912
01:26:37,258 --> 01:26:38,926
this was a waste of time.
1913
01:26:38,928 --> 01:26:40,928
I don't care
what you do for her.
1914
01:26:40,930 --> 01:26:42,963
You could... got her a job,
1915
01:26:43,965 --> 01:26:46,466
you know, cured her diabetes,
1916
01:26:47,502 --> 01:26:49,670
taught her how to read.
1917
01:26:49,672 --> 01:26:51,705
But if it's over
and you don't marry her,
1918
01:26:51,707 --> 01:26:54,474
it's like, "I can't believe
I wasted my time with you."
1919
01:26:54,476 --> 01:26:55,842
"Fuck you and your letters."
1920
01:26:57,445 --> 01:27:00,247
"I could have been married
with diabetes by now."
1921
01:27:02,217 --> 01:27:04,318
What can I say? Um...
1922
01:27:04,320 --> 01:27:07,321
All I can say is, don't
make any major decisions
1923
01:27:07,323 --> 01:27:08,789
after a blow job.
1924
01:27:12,393 --> 01:27:14,928
You know,
let the blow job wear off.
1925
01:27:16,965 --> 01:27:19,733
Then you figure out what
you want to do, you know.
1926
01:27:19,735 --> 01:27:21,969
That's just my advice to you.
1927
01:27:21,971 --> 01:27:24,404
I'm sure that's what
happened to j.F.K, you know.
1928
01:27:24,406 --> 01:27:27,441
Marilyn Monroe gave him
a blow job and,
1929
01:27:27,443 --> 01:27:29,810
you know, he was, like, "I'm
gonna get me a convertible."
1930
01:27:36,918 --> 01:27:39,419
Whoo!
1931
01:27:39,421 --> 01:27:41,855
One more time!
Andre Allen!
1932
01:27:41,857 --> 01:27:43,390
Whoa! Come on. Hurry up!
1933
01:27:43,392 --> 01:27:44,658
That was incredible!
1934
01:27:44,660 --> 01:27:46,660
Hammy!
1935
01:27:46,662 --> 01:27:48,629
You still got it! I told you!
Yes.
1936
01:27:48,631 --> 01:27:51,832
Amazing. Oh, my God. Get
in there, get in there.
1937
01:27:51,834 --> 01:27:53,000
Hammy, keep it real.
1938
01:27:53,002 --> 01:27:54,501
Yo, hammy.
1939
01:27:54,503 --> 01:27:57,671
Come on, go, go, go, go!
1940
01:27:57,673 --> 01:27:59,539
Wow.
That was incredible!
1941
01:27:59,541 --> 01:28:01,008
Amazing. As always.
Wasn't he amazing?
1942
01:28:01,010 --> 01:28:02,576
You were amazing.
You were so great.
1943
01:28:02,578 --> 01:28:04,478
Wow!
Ooh!
1944
01:28:04,480 --> 01:28:06,280
Whoo!
1945
01:28:06,948 --> 01:28:08,448
How do you feel?
1946
01:28:08,450 --> 01:28:10,017
I feel...
1947
01:28:10,019 --> 01:28:13,387
Insane, man!
I feel like, uh,
1948
01:28:13,389 --> 01:28:15,922
you know, it's like, uh,
like, uh, I took the pill
1949
01:28:15,924 --> 01:28:17,557
and I'm in
the matrix. Um...
1950
01:28:17,559 --> 01:28:19,760
Like, I can't believe it.
1951
01:28:19,762 --> 01:28:21,762
I'm just watching the people.
1952
01:28:21,764 --> 01:28:23,397
And I can hear them laugh,
1953
01:28:23,399 --> 01:28:25,299
and I could feel the laughter.
1954
01:28:25,301 --> 01:28:27,801
Okay, what got you up there?
What did it?
1955
01:28:28,836 --> 01:28:30,771
When I met you this morning,
1956
01:28:30,773 --> 01:28:32,539
you mentioned this show
that I did
1957
01:28:32,541 --> 01:28:34,741
at your school
like 15 years ago.
1958
01:28:35,476 --> 01:28:37,010
And I remembered it.
1959
01:28:37,845 --> 01:28:39,346
It was a good show.
1960
01:28:39,547 --> 01:28:41,982
It was.
1961
01:28:41,984 --> 01:28:45,852
You just got me thinking
about being on stage.
1962
01:28:48,556 --> 01:28:49,923
So, that's all it took, huh?
1963
01:28:50,858 --> 01:28:52,459
That...
Mmm-hmm.
1964
01:28:53,761 --> 01:28:55,362
And jail.
1965
01:28:56,898 --> 01:28:59,399
Jail.
You were barely in there.
1966
01:29:00,902 --> 01:29:03,870
After I got off
the phone with Erica,
1967
01:29:03,872 --> 01:29:05,772
I thought I was at bottom.
1968
01:29:05,774 --> 01:29:09,910
I was like, "this is it,
I have fucked up everything."
1969
01:29:09,912 --> 01:29:13,480
And at that moment,
I heard this crazy sound.
1970
01:29:27,729 --> 01:29:29,096
Mmm?
Wow.
1971
01:29:29,564 --> 01:29:30,764
Dmx.
1972
01:29:31,899 --> 01:29:33,934
What are you doing here?
1973
01:29:33,936 --> 01:29:36,570
Really? What am I
doing here?
1974
01:29:36,572 --> 01:29:38,405
I'm x, man. I live in
this motherfucker, man.
1975
01:29:38,407 --> 01:29:39,506
Don't you watch the news?
1976
01:29:39,841 --> 01:29:41,775
Damn, homie.
1977
01:29:41,777 --> 01:29:43,710
I respect the fuck out
of your shit, man.
1978
01:29:43,712 --> 01:29:45,445
Uprize?
1979
01:29:45,447 --> 01:29:47,647
I'm gonna see that
as soon as I get out, man.
1980
01:29:47,649 --> 01:29:51,485
Yo, man, thanks a lot, man.
I'm a big fan of yours, too.
1981
01:29:51,487 --> 01:29:52,886
One thing I really
respect about you,
1982
01:29:52,888 --> 01:29:55,055
why I fuck with you
for real, son,
1983
01:29:55,057 --> 01:29:58,492
is that you won't let
the industry box you in.
1984
01:29:58,494 --> 01:30:00,460
We're pretty much
on some same shit, yo.
1985
01:30:00,462 --> 01:30:02,796
I'm kind of tired
of rapping, man.
1986
01:30:02,798 --> 01:30:05,132
Plus, I got so much
more to offer.
1987
01:30:05,134 --> 01:30:06,533
That's what I always say, man.
1988
01:30:06,535 --> 01:30:08,969
I got so much more to offer.
1989
01:30:08,971 --> 01:30:10,871
You got a minute?
Yeah.
1990
01:30:10,873 --> 01:30:12,472
Check this out.
1991
01:30:13,641 --> 01:30:17,611
¶ Smile, though
your heart is aching
1992
01:30:17,613 --> 01:30:21,148
¶ smile, even though
it's breaking
1993
01:30:21,150 --> 01:30:23,650
¶ when there are clouds
in the sky
1994
01:30:23,652 --> 01:30:25,685
¶ you'll get by
1995
01:30:25,687 --> 01:30:27,587
¶ smile through
the pain and sorrow
1996
01:30:27,589 --> 01:30:28,989
¶ what?
1997
01:30:28,991 --> 01:30:31,825
¶ Smile and maybe tomorrow
1998
01:30:31,827 --> 01:30:33,894
¶ you'll see the sun
come shining through
1999
01:30:33,896 --> 01:30:34,961
¶ for you
2000
01:30:34,963 --> 01:30:36,496
Shut the fuck up!
2001
01:30:36,498 --> 01:30:40,500
¶ Light up your face with
gladness
2002
01:30:40,502 --> 01:30:43,170
¶ Hide every trace of sadness
2003
01:30:43,172 --> 01:30:46,840
¶ and although
a tear is ever so near
2004
01:30:46,842 --> 01:30:50,010
¶ that's the time you
must keep on trying
2005
01:30:50,012 --> 01:30:52,712
¶ smile, what's the use of crying?
You suck!
2006
01:30:52,714 --> 01:30:55,715
¶ You'll find that life
is still worthwhile
2007
01:30:55,717 --> 01:30:58,852
¶ if you just smile
motherfucker!
2008
01:30:58,854 --> 01:31:00,454
Shut the fuck up!
2009
01:31:00,456 --> 01:31:02,522
¶ Smile, though
your heart is aching... ¶
2010
01:31:02,524 --> 01:31:03,957
Rap, you motherfucker!
2011
01:31:03,959 --> 01:31:05,058
Rap!
2012
01:31:21,676 --> 01:31:23,043
Ah...
Mmm...
2013
01:31:23,045 --> 01:31:24,678
Take care of yourself.
2014
01:31:24,680 --> 01:31:25,846
You, too.
2015
01:31:29,851 --> 01:31:31,084
Well,
2016
01:31:32,653 --> 01:31:33,887
you got everything?
2017
01:31:33,889 --> 01:31:36,089
Yep. Got my cell phone.
2018
01:31:36,858 --> 01:31:38,258
Everything.
2019
01:31:41,028 --> 01:31:42,596
That's good.
2020
01:31:43,564 --> 01:31:44,931
Have a safe flight.
2021
01:31:45,733 --> 01:31:46,766
Thanks.
2022
01:31:48,603 --> 01:31:51,538
Listen, I'm going to
be in L.A. in October.
2023
01:31:51,540 --> 01:31:54,975
This gallery wants to
showcase my photos.
2024
01:31:54,977 --> 01:31:56,176
Send you an invite.
2025
01:31:57,912 --> 01:31:59,646
You can bring your wife.
2026
01:32:00,581 --> 01:32:02,282
You know I can't go, right?
2027
01:32:05,753 --> 01:32:09,089
It's very nice to
meet you, Andre Allen.
2028
01:32:09,091 --> 01:32:11,791
It's great to finally meet you,
2029
01:32:12,226 --> 01:32:13,960
Chelsea brown.
2030
01:32:17,064 --> 01:32:18,665
Fry or die.
2031
01:32:32,079 --> 01:32:33,580
Yo, Chels!
2032
01:32:39,120 --> 01:32:40,620
What's your top five?
2033
01:32:48,863 --> 01:32:50,597
Salt-n-pepa,
2034
01:32:51,799 --> 01:32:53,333
tribe called quest,
2035
01:32:53,968 --> 01:32:55,168
the roots,
2036
01:32:55,937 --> 01:32:57,671
public enemy,
2037
01:32:59,273 --> 01:33:00,674
kanye.
2038
01:33:03,144 --> 01:33:06,680
And I get six, man.
Slick Rick the ruler!
2039
01:33:07,815 --> 01:33:09,015
Slick Rick.
2040
01:33:12,653 --> 01:33:13,987
Take care.
2041
01:33:13,989 --> 01:33:15,589
You, too.
2042
01:33:46,187 --> 01:33:48,888
She's a little skinny
for my taste.
2043
01:33:48,890 --> 01:33:51,691
But if it was me, I would
be up there right now.
2044
01:33:54,962 --> 01:33:56,896
I wouldn't worry about Erica.
2045
01:33:56,898 --> 01:33:59,733
One way or another, she's
going to end up on top.
2046
01:34:00,701 --> 01:34:03,370
Can't have 'em all, man.
2047
01:34:03,372 --> 01:34:06,373
I'm not talking
about having 'em all.
2048
01:34:06,375 --> 01:34:08,174
I'm talking about having her.
2049
01:34:14,048 --> 01:34:15,715
What you got in
that gift bag, man?
2050
01:34:16,717 --> 01:34:18,752
Let me check. Uh...
2051
01:34:21,055 --> 01:34:24,157
Got some vodka. Okay.
Mmm.
2052
01:34:24,159 --> 01:34:25,859
In my gift bag.
2053
01:34:26,894 --> 01:34:29,062
Somebody wasn't
thinking about me.
2054
01:34:31,233 --> 01:34:32,799
I'll take that off your hands.
2055
01:34:33,200 --> 01:34:34,734
What else you got, man?
2056
01:34:34,736 --> 01:34:39,072
Got a Jasmine-scented
candle.
2057
01:34:39,074 --> 01:34:41,675
Definitely something
I would give a man.
2058
01:34:41,677 --> 01:34:42,876
I got a Mexican chica.
2059
01:34:42,878 --> 01:34:44,844
She loves candles.
She's a candle bitch.
2060
01:34:44,846 --> 01:34:46,146
What else you got?
2061
01:34:46,148 --> 01:34:47,681
Uh...
2062
01:34:49,016 --> 01:34:51,117
Gourmet nuts.
2063
01:34:51,119 --> 01:34:53,286
You know I love some nuts.
That's for me. Give me those.
2064
01:34:53,288 --> 01:34:54,220
There you go.
2065
01:34:54,222 --> 01:34:55,955
Hopefully honey-roasted.
2066
01:34:55,957 --> 01:34:58,258
When they put the honey on the nuts?
Mmm-hmm.
2067
01:34:58,260 --> 01:34:59,926
That's a whole different
world right there.
2068
01:34:59,928 --> 01:35:01,227
And let's see.
2069
01:35:01,229 --> 01:35:03,930
A gift certificate for...
2070
01:35:03,932 --> 01:35:05,265
That's when they took
it to a new level.
2071
01:35:05,267 --> 01:35:06,399
You know me, I'm a snacker.
2072
01:35:06,401 --> 01:35:07,734
Now, if they could find a way
2073
01:35:07,736 --> 01:35:09,769
to put the honey
inside the, uh...
2074
01:35:09,771 --> 01:35:10,870
Some kind of cloning shit,
I don't know.
2075
01:35:10,872 --> 01:35:11,905
Is that cloning?
Mmm-hmm.
2076
01:35:24,118 --> 01:35:25,452
Yo, silk.
2077
01:36:04,992 --> 01:36:07,160
You want the top five?
Yes!
2078
01:36:07,162 --> 01:36:08,294
Yes.
2079
01:36:08,296 --> 01:36:10,163
Here it is.
2080
01:36:10,165 --> 01:36:11,998
Sugarhill gang,
2081
01:36:12,000 --> 01:36:13,466
eminem...
Right.
2082
01:36:13,468 --> 01:36:15,335
Wale,
2083
01:36:15,337 --> 01:36:17,337
ice cube...
Whoa!
2084
01:36:17,339 --> 01:36:18,872
And sir mix-a-lot!
2085
01:36:19,140 --> 01:36:20,540
Yes!
2086
01:36:21,342 --> 01:36:23,376
"Put 'em on the glass"!