(Narrator) The world's fate is decided by legends,
men who are larger than life,
whose tales of bravery and courage
don't just echo through their time,
but through all time.
And so it was with Awesomest Maximus.
Oops. Sorry, buddy. (chuckles)
(Narrator) Even if he was one stupid motherfucker.
Hey, Quantus, my main man.
How's all this stuff looking?
Good, General.
As you can see, the odds are heavily in our favor.
Hm. Super.
Ready to finish this, General.
Something is amiss.
Super. Thanks, Larry.
Just go ahead and top her off there.
Oo-oo, when! (chuckles) Okay.
To strength and honor.
Yeah, and beer and blowjobs.
Wow, meow.
Shink. (roars)
(grunts repeatedly)
You know, why don't we just go with the archers.
The cavalry is too close, General.
The cavalry's fine. Sheesh.
- Fire. - Fire!
(arrows hitting)
(neighing)
(men screaming)
Probably just move the cavalry back
a little bit next time, because this...
(Narrator) The gods foretold that Awesomest Maximus
would one day become the greatest general who ever lived.
And when your destiny has been prophecied by the gods,
shit, you might as well go to the titty bar
and get fucked up.
(clears throat) General.
Hey, Quantas. What's up dude?
Check this out. (makes blubbery sound)
That's awesome, Awesomest.
I call it a motor boat.
- What is a motor boat? - A boat with a motor. Duh.
- And what is a motor? - Beats the shit out of me.
Shots?
King Looney would like to see you, sir.
King Looney, your father-in-law.
Your wife, the princess.
Her father, King Looney, sir?
Oh, no. She's fine with it!
You're barbarian strippers!
You blow yaks for a shiny pebble. What the--
Thanks a lot, Captain Cockblock.
What is your deal, anyway, dude?
Don't you like tits?
I like tits.
You hate tits.
- I love tits. - No you don't.
Yes, I do.
Touché.
(man chuckling)
Awesomest.
Girls, leave us.
But not for too long. These pills only last for four hours.
(Narrator) King Looney, ruler over all which he surveyed.
and crazier than a shit house rat
with syphilis in his brain.
It's good to be king, isn't it, Sire?
Oh, yes. Yes, indeed.
Awesomest, you're the son I never had.
What about Orlando?
Orlando's a pussy and I think he likes boys.
Good point.
So how's married life?
You know Hottessa.
Once a princess, always a princess.
Yeah, just like her mother.
I think she's worried you might name
Orlando next in line
to be king, Your Highness.
Wouldn't he technically be queen?
(Awesomest laughing)
That's good.
(Looney) Okay, let's get with it.
I want you to join Orlando in Greece.
What's he doing in Greece?
I want you to help him kiss their hairy Greek asses.
And make sure he doesn't piss them off,
so they don't send millions of guys
over here to enslave us and get weird with our women.
If I may.
I can handle this, sir.
We don't need to bother our great general.
I am a great general.
- Yes you are. - Yes I am.
- I was being sarcastic. - You were not.
The fate of Troy is in your hands, Awesomest.
Okay, Looney. I'm on it.
Forgive me, Sire, but Awesomest can barely handle himself.
Are you sure he's ready for such a mission?
I mean, he's always had the army and myself to cover his ass.
You forget. When Awesomest was born
the gods said he was destined to be a legend.
But Sire, I'm not really sure that--
We have the greatest army in the world.
How bad can he fuck things up?
Bad.
(Narrator) It was the first time
Awesomest had been sent on an important mission alone.
So he decided to talk it over with his gold digging,
bitch ass wife, Hottessa.
Like she knew what the fuck.
Awesomest.
Get your head out of your ass and listen to me.
This is a good thing.
Daddy has never given you this much personal responsibility.
He must finally be realizing
that Orlando is a total homo.
And Troy can't have a gay king.
You know what this means, Awesomest?
If this works out, he'll make you King of Troy.
And that means I will get to be the queen.
And we'll move into the castle
and have tons of servants,
and I get invited to all the best parties.
Don't fuck this up!
No, I won't.
Sounds great!
Ooo, maybe you and l should have a little--
(clicks tongue) celebration.
(whistles cuckoo tune)
We're married, Awesomest.
You have to earn it first.
Fat ass bitch.
What was that?
N-nothing. I was talking about me.
I'm-I'm fat. I'm a fat man.
I wanna work out for you.
I wanna lose-- do yoga with you.
Hot yoga with-- I love you.
(narrator) Meanwhile, the self-proclaimed Greek god
King Erotic, the most ruthless king in the land.
I mean, this guy was a real prick,
and weird in a "Don't leave him alone with kids"
kind of way, if you know what I'm talking about.
Anyway, he was about to conquer the savages from Thessaly.
And after bringing Thessaly under Greek rule,
he would be the man.
It is a good day for the crows.
(King Erotic) And I hear they love the taste of THESS-alians.
Yes.
Thes-SA-lians.
That's what I said.
No, you were accentuating the wrong syllable.
Whatever!
I'm supposed to be at an orgy in half-an-hour.
I've pushed it back four times already.
So I'm going to be a very generous god-king here, okay?
Rather than me killing all of your men
Iet's save some lives and some time and whatnot
and do it old school.
Your best fighter versus mine.
If my guy wins, you submit to my rule,
plain and simple.
And if my guy wins?
Then I'll leave.
Really?
You have my word.
Deal.
Ginormous!
Jesus.
How big was his mama's vag?
(narrator) Not big enough.
Testiclees. (evil laugh)
Testiclees?
Ginormous has this effect on many men.
Where the fuck is he? This is embarrassing.
I mean, come on!
I'm standing here calling him,
we're all here, and he's not answering me?
I'm so tired of this.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I know your time is important.
My time is important.
(Narrator) Testiclees.
He was King Erotic's greatest warrior
and immortal among men
and kind of a pussy-lipped bitch at the same time.
Me?
Carbs?
Shit.
(boy) Testiclees.
King Erotic wants to see you.
Tell your king I'm not going anywhere
until I'm finished with my man-scaping.
(narrator) As legend had it, when Testiclees was born
a goddess dipped him in a magical river
that would make him indestructible.
But since she was holding him by his little baby balls,
Testiclees' testicles remained vulnerable to the sword.
(baby crying)
Testiclees.
Your swords.
(grunts)
Are those stories about you true?
That I wax my ass?
No.
That I banged my mom once by accident
when we were both wasted?
What's the big deal? We were both single.
No, not that.
This Ginormous guy. Biggest guy I've ever seen.
I wouldn't want to fight him.
(sighs)
That's why no one's gonna remember your name.
I don't want to fight him because I'm only ten years old.
Yeah. Whatever, pussy.
Yeah, well the only reason you'll be remembered
is because you're named after what's inside my ball sack, jerk off.
(King Erotic) Look who decided to join us.
Eat me.
Why you gotta be such a prima donna?
You know what? I don't need this shit.
Testiclees, wait!
Look at the men's faces.
(Testiclees) Good lord.
(King Erotic) You, and only you
can send them back to their pathetic families
with one swing of your sword.
He's such an asshole.
You motherfucker!
(screams in agony)
Is there no one else?
Stop it, you dick.
I didn't think so.
Who are you, soldier?
Testiclees.
The greatest warrior that ever lived.
And the humblest, too.
Pussy.
(narrator) After conquering the Thessalians
King Erotic was now an even bigger threat to Troy.
And so Awesomest met up with his brother-in-law Orlando
at Erotic's post victory party
to kiss Erotic's ass,
but with no tongue, because this silly fruitcup
would probably like that shit.
On the behalf of myself and my beautiful young wife, Ellen,
we welcome you to Greece.
Let us drink as friends!
As friends!
At least until one of us fucks the other over.
Oh, no. No, no, no. I'm kidding.
It's a joke.
(laughs)
She gets it.
(laughs) You fucker!
You fucker.
Orlando. That's Erotic's wife.
I know that.
Could you be any less subtle?
I could try.
(Orlando) Excuse me. Pardon me.
I'm trying to rendevous with Ellen.
Fucking douche bag.
(gasps)
You shouldn't be here.
That's what you said last night.
Last night, I was rolling on E.
And the night before?
I think I was pretty drunk.
(whispers) Yeah, you were pretty wasted.
I've been messed up all week.
(whispers) I know.
This is the best spring break ever!
Oh, Orlando.
(Ellen in distance) Oh, oh!
(gasping) Oh, oh!
Oh! Oh! Oh! This boar is fantastic!
(Ellen shrieking in background)
Orlando! You're amazing!
I would have never thought of putting this with this.
You have a real eye for fashion.
Oh, my God, seriously? You think? Really?
Well, better than any man I've ever met.
Oh, I am so messed up right now,
but I love hanging out with you!
Me too!
I have the best idea. I have the best idea.
You should come back to Troy with me.
Okay-dokey. Let's not get crazy.
I'm serious. It would be so much fun.
I have-- I have a huge trust fund.
How huge?
It's pretty big.
If you come back, it will break the peace
between Troy and Greece, millions of men will die,
the gods'll curse us, we'll get burned alive.
But it's been a great week!
It has.
Plus, it'll keep my dad from thinking that
I like guys.
What about the other day when I caught you
watching the guard pee?
I mean, listen. I'm definitely
Iike, going through some sort of
experimental phase right now?
But I like chicks.
No, I do. I like chicks.
I-- I like chicks.
Especially chicks with a keen sense of style like you!
Look at that!
(laughs) You're sweet.
So will you come back with me, please?
Please? Pretty please?
Well, it could be kind of hot to have a--
war fought over me, so... count me in.
Yes! Yes!
Hello, Mr. Awesomest.
Hey, Orlando.
Greeks sure know how to party, huh?
Yeah.
I love you.
Thanks.
Do you love me, too?
Where's this going?
I have something to tell you,
and you need to promise me
that you won't be mad, okay?
So put up your pinky
and let's do a pinky swear.
Hi.
Oh, shit. Back to Greece!
No, Awesomest! Please wait.
Hold on!
I am in love with her.
Orlando, you've been rolling on Ecstasy for a week.
You love everybody.
That's totally true.
But this one is for real.
Orlando, when the Greeks find out that Ellen has gone missing
they're going to shit. Orlando.
This is how wars get started, man.
If you take her back, well then guess what, buddy?
I'm going back, too, because this is the girl that I love.
I love her and I love you.
Okay, you're still rolling, aren't you?
No. Yes!
Look, man. I promised your dad and Hottessa
that I would be responsible on this trip and keep the peace with Greece. Okay?
And I'm pretty sure your dad knows that I was the one
who got drunk and took a shit in his sink, so I can't fuck this up.
Awesomest, please.
Orlando, are you going to let Troy get all fucked up over some skank?
(gasps)
No, fuck it. To Troy!
We're going, we're not going.
You wanna make up your mind, here?
Daddy? This is Ellen.
Ellen of Greece?
No, not any more. Ellen of Troy.
Oh. (kissing sound)
I had no idea, King Looney, I swear.
Sound the horns! My son's banging a chick!
(King Looney) It's party time!
Great news! Welcome to Troy, my dear.
Thank you, my king.
Forgive me, Sire, but this could mean war.
Oh, fuck that. Focus on what's important.
My son's no pole smoker. He don't gobble no goop.
No, no sirree! I love vagina.
Vagina, vagina, vagina.
My vagina.
Her vagina. The bearded clam.
- The axe wound. - Hey, the ole honey pot.
- Hey, the love box. - The ham wallet.
- The beef curtain. - The old fish taco.
The bear trap. The growler.
The pair of flaps.
The tuna tunnel.
The penis place.
Come on. Let's get you settled in, my dear.
Son, this is a triple A piece of ass. Woo!
(Narrator) Meanwhile, King Erotic prepared for war.
But he needed the help of his top earner, Testiclees,
who was training with his cousin.
Testiclees' Cousin emulated Testiclees in every way,
except one way.
Ow! Fucker.
(laughs) Come on, Testiclees' Cousin.
Take it like a man.
Yeah. Come on.
Testiclees.
Testiclees's Cousin.
What do you want?
I want you to fight the Trojans with us.
What are we fighting for this time?
Their prince stole my wife and dishonored Greece.
(laughs) Why should I care about your whore wife?
Because you will get a lot of glory and people will remember your name.
And not just because it's named after the scrotum.
Glory, huh?
Mm-hmm.
How much glory we talking about?
Big. A lot.
Like echoing throughout eternity type shit.
Yeah. You could have a deli sandwich named after you.
Shut up, Testiclees' Cousin.
All right. All right, I'm in.
As soon as I get my mother's permission.
Milfia, your son is here.
Hi, Mom.
Son.
You look really hot.
Thanks.
(Narrator) Even if she was my ma, I'd fuck her.
So you want my opinion on whether you should go to fight the Trojans.
How do you know that?
A mother knows.
If you go to Troy and fight,
you will have glory.
(grunts)
But you'll die.
Yeah, I figured as much.
But if you stay here, we could pretend to be just friends.
Mother and son, whatever.
And it can get really hot,
Iike the time we both got tanked on New Year's.
Yeah, I'm not really okay with that.
I think I'm gonna go.
But we're only five years apart.
Alexander the Great's mother was six months younger than him.
Mom, two wrongs don't make a right.
That depends on how wrong you're willing to be.
I want you inside me.
I was inside you,
for nine months.
So you just fuck me and chuck me.
You son of a bitch.
I can't believe you screwed this up.
Me? Oh, come on.
Orlando's the one that brought the skank home.
Besides, your dad's happy.
You're the only one who's pissed.
My dad is out of his fucking mind, Awesomest.
Now he's going to think Orlando isn't a fudgepacker
and he's gonna make him king.
And you know what? I just spent a fortune on this crown.
Oh, Hottessa.
Look at the bright side.
Once King Erotic finds out that Orlando stole his wife,
there won't be a kingdom for anyone to be king or queen of anyways.
Oh, come on!
You know, I bet Erotic gets so much trim, he won't even miss her.
You had better make this right.
What do you want me to do about it?
Go ask the ephors how to fix your mistake,
and prove yourself in my father's eyes.
And if everything goes according to plan,
I will finally let you (whispers).
Bye.
(Narrator) And so Awesomest went to see the ephors.
They were some gross, diseased, low life sons of bitches
who claimed to consult directly with the gods.
Either that, or they were just high as shit.
Hi, ephors.
Hello General Awesomest Maximus.
You guys look really good.
Looks like this is clearing up since I saw you,
especially that one right there.
Ow. Okay. Not cool.
Won't you come in?
(Narrator) The thing about the ephors was
you may not get the answers you came for,
but if you played your cards right
you might get your balls drained.
I mean, damn!
So what's the deal here?
These girls can only channel the gods
while you guys are perving on 'em?
Yep, basically.
It's a pretty good line of shit.
Yes, that was on me.
Okay, good. So let's get down to brass tacks.
I fucked over King Erotic pretty bad.
And now there's probably gonna be a big war
and my wife's gonna be super pissed.
Yeah, so I need your help.
Let us consult the Oracle.
Ellen?
(gasps)
What the fuck are you doing here?
Please don't tell Orlando.
Wait a minute. How'd you even get this job?
You've only been in Troy an hour-and-a-half.
Friend of a friend.
(over loudspeaker) Ellen, report to pole 3.
Gotta go. My turn on the pole.
All right. Well, I guess I'll just--I'll see you at the castle.
Anyway, I know her. It's weird.
She's kinda family. I'll explain it. Long story.
Anyway, now what?
Now what what?
I need the gods' guidance.
Let us consult the Oracle.
The Oracle just left.
- There are others. - Many others.
How many?
Like seven.
Wow.
I really should have stayed in school.
Poor thing.
You know what I like.
Do you really want me to?
Yes.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, my God.
That's fucking sad and gross at the same time.
So what's the verdict?
The verdict about what?
About what I'm supposed to do
to save Troy from the Greeks.
Right.
That. (both laugh)
Really mature. Great.
No, I don't want any.
Pussy.
The gods say you must team up with a horse with wings,
and a owl made of gold
and you have to cut the head off Medusa.
(snickers)
Who the fuck is Medusa?
No, no, no.
He's just fucking with you.
Oh, ha. That's hilarious. That's great.
I have an idea.
Pick a number between 1 and 10,000.
What?
He said, "Pick a number--
-I heard him. -"between 1 and 10,000."
Thank you very much.
Um, 300.
300?
Boom.
That's it.
What's it?
Bro. Fuckin' nailed it.
Nailed-- What are you guys talking about?
The gods say that Awesomest Maximus
must fight the Greeks with 300 soldiers.
Wait, 300 soldiers?
versus King Erotic's million man army.
The gods say that anybody can beat the Greeks
with the whole Trojan army.
But only a real general, fit to be king,
can win with only 300 guys.
That makes no sense.
You make no sense.
Are you challenging the gods?
Look, I just got one question.
Is it 300 including me or 300 plus me, like 301 or 299?
Dude, it's the gods. Don't over think it.
This is fucking ridiculous.
Oh, the gods also say that their costumes have to be super faggy.
(idiotic laughing)
Aa-oo!
So? Don't they look wonderful?
Well, you don't got enough gay shit going on here?
That's a good point. We don't.
I'll get on that.
Gotcha!
You wanna take those long ass arms off me?
Excuse me?
Fuck with me.
You're coming with me.
Well, what do we have here?
I found him hiding in a tree.
I wasn't hiding. I'm three foot tall, you asshole.
General, my name is Minoritees. At your service.
(narrator) Minoritees. His mom actually called him that.
Your mom actually called you that?
What a bitch.
Yes, she is.
I'm a son of Troy
and I wanna help kick some Greek ass.
(shouts)
That was cute.
That's not cute. Show him some respect.
He's pretty tough for a little guy.
Thank you, General.
My mother hid me as a baby
but I spent my entire life making myself one with spear.
(grunts)
My God, that was a nice thrust.
And watch this.
- You like that? - I like it a lot.
Nice moves.
- Pretty good rhythm. - Very good rhythm, yeah.
Here, take this.
What's this?
I call it fried chicken.
Try it. It's fucking delicious.
You know what? It is fucking delicious.
General Awesomest.
We spotted the Greeks, attacking by sea.
Let's go get 'em.
Hold on. You're not coming with us.
Why? Is it because I'm black?
What? No.
What kind of asshole do you think I am?
No, of course not.
It's because I'm a little person?
No, no.
Well, what is it then?
All right. It's because you're black.
You know what? Fuck y'all.
And especially you, Awesomest.
You watch your back. And give me my fried chicken back, motherfucker.
Hey!
(crunch)
Shit.
(Awesomest muttering)
(Minoritees) Fuck that! Big honkey ass motherfucker!
I think we should prepare for battle, General.
We're prepared.
You don't have a helmet or sword.
My helmet is over there in the weeds
-and we got swords. -You need that for battle.
Why don't you prepare for battle?
(Orlando) Should I prepare for battle?
You don't prepare for battle. You prepare for battle.
- I'll prepare for battle. - You will never prepare for battle.
Prepare for battle!
Oo-ah!
My first fight.
This is really exciting.
Thanks for bringing me, cousin.
I'll make you proud.
I'll be working on some sick sword combo moves.
There'll be dead Trojans everywhere!
Actually, you're gonna be staying on the ship.
Are you serious?
I can't fight and watch your ass at the same time.
That is such bullshit.
(whines)
Testiclees?
Are you sure you don't want to wait for everyone else?
I mean, we're only ten dudes on a boat, here.
(snickers)
(sighs)
Look, yeah.
There might be thousands of them, with bows and arrows,
and they'll have a huge strategic advantage over us
because they'll be attacking us from an elevated plain.
And yeah. Our goal of taking the beach
might be easier to achieve if we had waited
for the thousand ships behind us,
but we're not just ten dudes.
We're ten tough dudes!
(cheering)
Am I right?
Yeah!
Do you know what's beyond that beach?
An open bar!
No, but I like the way you think.
Hot Trojan ass?
No.
More gay shit?
Who said that?
Definitely him, not me.
So what then?
Immortality!
Take it! It's yours!
Yeah!
All right, Testiclees.
I really hate to be that guy...
Well, you're being that guy.
I'm trying to think of things rationally.
Whenever someone says, "l don't want to be that guy"
then they're being that guy.
We are most likely gonna be really outnumbered.
Don't you think it'd be a good idea if we waited
to attack with everyone else,
just to give us an advantage?
So we don't suffer heavy casualties to our greatest fighters?
Well, just remember.
They'll remember your name when you're gone.
Who?
They!
Who's they?
Other people.
Why do I care if people I've never met
remember my name after I'm gone?
Dude, talk to your boy.
- Bill? - Jeff?
He is Testiclees.
He knows what he's doing.
What could possibly go wrong at this point?
(Bill screams) Oh, shit!
(moans)
Nice strategy, asshole.
(arrows wooshing, men moaning, thudding)
Aw, shit.
Shit, shit, shit.
Dude, you were totally right.
I know.
You don't have to be a dick about it.
I'm not being a dick.
Just stay still.
Walla!
You are a work of art, you are good to go.
It's stylish, it's sexy, but it's scary and intimidating.
It's really good.
Yeah, all you need is a dress.
What was that?
I said you should address the men, General.
Most great generals...
I'm a great general.
Two seconds? I'll be right back.
Yeah, take your time.
Yeah, cuz this is going to take awhile.
It's gonna be that good.
Looking forward to it.
(Awesomest makes repeated Pff sounds)
Okay, boys?
I'm not much of a speech making guy,
but here we go.
I guess the big question is why are we here?
The truth is we could probably just give up
and run away and live to see another day.
Oh, that rhymed. (chuckles)
(troops laugh)
And yes, run and you'll live.
and you might actually realize a lot of your hopes and dreams
and do some of the pretty cool shit that you've wanted to do.
I mean, Hank, I know you've been talking now for a long time
about going on that fishing trip with your daughter.
Right?
But if you die today, that's never going to happen.
And then your daughter will grow up without a father
and she will probably become a pailer at some crappy strip club.
You know, like some dude twice your age dragging his stinky, hairy junk
across her titties for two drachmas and a compliment.
(sighs)
(Awesomest in distance) She will probably feel very alone.
What the fuck are you doing, Orlando?
What does it look like I'm doing?
I'm going to fight.
Is the Trojan army taking girls now?
No, I'm a man and this is what men do.
I'm tired of my father thinking I'm a pansy.
Orlando, my boy.
Yes, Daddy.
My son, this is the Trojan sword.
As long as a Trojan keeps it safe,
the Trojans have a homeland.
But if you lose it in battle,
then we become a homeless, dirty, wandering tribe of savages.
No pressure intended, my boy.
But can you handle it?
Yes. Thank you, Dad.
Now go and kill some hairy ass Greeks!
Guard? When he gets his pansy ass killed,
bring me that sword.
Yes, Your Highness.
Hey, Giuseppe!
You always wanted to take that pottery class.
And--and learn to cook?
Italian food! I cook for everyone.
Yeah! But now, instead of spaghetti and meatballs
it's gonna be spaghetti and you're fucking dead!
Erotic! We gotta talk.
So talk.
What's with that piece of shit tent?
It's all we had in the budget.
You don't get it, do you?
When this is all said and done,
all they're going to remember is Testiclees.
Oh, please! You're just a soldier.
I'm a god-king. That's like two things.
Is that right?
Yes, that's right. It's two things.
Well then I'm out.
Until you groan to have Testiclees back? You're on your own.
Only King Erotic can refer to himself in the third person.
Testiclees can too!
Stop getting in my face!
What's the matter? You got a problem
with Testiclees in your face?
Well, not usually. Just in this instance.
(gasps)
Now you can watch Testiclees walk away.
(whimpers)
Come on, Testiclees' Cousin.
Let's go!
King Erotic, you're a douche bag.
Take me to meet the Trojan general!
(whispers) Hi.
Is that the Trojan sword?
It is. My Daddy gave it to me.
It's the reason Troy has never lost a war.
I'm gonna be a hero. Oh.
(sword hits ground)
Aw, this will be fun.
Why did you draw a dick on your face?
It's not a dick. It's a sword.
Why does it have balls?
That's the handle.
Whatever.
Well, let's go see how pissed this guy really is, huh?
We're so fucked.
(neighing)
Look, whatever you do.
Don't let this guy know how scared shitless we are, okay?
Oh, my God. That chariot is gorgeous.
Yeah, it's pretty nice.
Hi, Erotic.
We meet again, Assomest.
Actually, it's Awesomest is my name, but--
I came to reclaim my property.
Hey, bro? Not gonna lie to you.
Kinda creeping me out right now.
Ah, how about now?
That feels kinda good, thank you.
This whole thing has made me very tense.
I can feel the tension.
You hold it in your shoulders.
That's what my massage therapist told me.
Can you do one of those little circular things?
Oh, wow wow!
(chuckles) You sir, have the hands of a god-king.
I am a god-king.
Well, that's why, I guess.
Doesn't Awesomest look like a born leader?
With me at his side, he could become a great king.
We could produce lots of healthy, strong--
Ellen?
Yes, King Looney?
Come sit on my lap so I can fondle you
while we watch Orlando getting his ass kicked.
Okay.
Ooo, dear God have mercy.
That sure is a lot of guys you brought.
My archers will block out the sun
with their arrows.
That's actually preferable for me
because I freckle very easily.
Oh.
Look, I was thinking.
Instead of all of this war,
maybe you and l could just work it out, you know.
Dude to dude.
If you get down on your knees
and kneel before Erotic, and give Ellen back to me,
then I will only enslave your men
and rape your women twice.
Once.
We'll rape the women once.
You don't want to wear them out.
Never kneel.
Sorry.
A Trojan never kneels.
Orlando, what the fuck, man?
Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.
What are you trying to do? Suck his cock?
I thought that was what he wanted.
How the hell could you leave me for this?
For this guy?
I was banging half your guys before I left, you asshole.
You, come here.
You fuck my wife?
If you tell me the truth, no harm will come to you.
You fucked-- (drawing sword)
(Awesomest) Holy shit!
Dude, you gotta chill.
Please, can we just talk this out?
No more talking, Assomest.
It's time for the killing and the maiming.
Although I love this makeup job.
Oh, I did that earlier this morning.
Oh, well. Kudos.
You are going down.
Let's do this!
I think that went well.
(sighs)
Attack!
(Narrator) The stage was set
forthe biggest battle of all time.
The Trojans had the high ground.
The Greeks had way more guys.
All that stood between Troy and oblivion
was Awesomest and his 300.
Hold.
They know to hold.
They're still hundreds of yards away.
Constantly repeating yourself is just fucking annoying.
Look, dude. I'm a general, so if I want to say hold a dozen times
I guess it just sucks to be you because that's the way it goes.
I'm just saying, the more you repeat yourself the less importance it has.
(mocking) The less importance it has.
I don't think that's necessary.
(mocking) I don't think that's necessary.
(Quantas) This isn't a good example.
(mocking) This isn't a good example.
- I'm a jackass. - You're a jackass.
No I said, "I'm a jackass."
I said, "You're a jackass."
That's really mature.
You're really mature. Oh, shit!
Now!
(shouting)
(armor clashing)
Oops, sorry buddy.
(armor clashing, yelling)
(screams)
(yells)
(shouts)
(laughing, taunting)
(Quantas yelling)
(yelling)
Oh, my God.
(Quantas yelling)
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
What are we gonna do?
We'll push them off the cliffs.
That gives me an idea.
Let's push them off the cliffs.
(shouting)
(Awesomest) We're pushing you off the cliff.
We're pushing them off the cliff! Yeah!
Keep pushing them off the cliff!
Yeah, we totally pushed you off the cliff!
We're Troy!
Stop!
You're pushing me off the cliff. Whoa...
(screams)
Oops.
Prob-probably dead. Probably dead?
Yeah?
Yeah.
(sighs)
(Narrator) The Trojans took the loss of their general hard.
♫ Awesomest was the best Trojan ever born ♫
♫ Awesomest, now he's dead. Now it's time to mourn. ♫
♫ Awesomest, what a guy. Why did you have to die? ♫
(crashing, strings popping)
(Narrator) Even Quantas lost his shit.
♫ Awesomest Maximus, good-bye. ♫
(crying)
It's all there was. It isn't fair.
(Narrator) Hottessa took it even harder.
(sighs) I was too hard on him.
Now I'll never become queen.
Here.
This will take your mind off it.
Thank you.
Oh, why? (sobs)
(Narrator) King Looney was loonier than ever.
Wait, who was it that got killed?
(Narrator) As was customary when an army lost its leader,
both sides agreed to a 12-day truce.
But being the trifling asshole that he was,
that didn't stop King Erotic from looking high and low for an advantage.
You like?
I like.
Oh, I like.
Awesomest was cruel
and denied you.
And was a little bit racist, you know?
Whereas I am generous.
True that, man. True that.
If you tell me how to penetrate the Trojan walls
anything you want you will have.
A threesome.
Yes.
A foursome, with like, all girls.
(in a high voice) Oh, yeah.
You will be given both daily.
You will be given jewels and drink.
Look, you got me. I'm in.
The key to getting in the--
Beautiful morally casual men will give you daily ass play.
Wait! What the fuck?
Homey don't play that!
I know. I know what you are thinking.
How can Erotic be this kind?
Listen, man. I don't really go that way.
You'll be given golden showers,
Dirty Sanchezes, Roman helmets.
Look, you had me at jewels and drinks.
You ain't had to keep on going.
But you can have it all!
Space docking, snow balling, bestiality,
all the man juice you can drink.
Six feet of Venetian blind cord shoved right up the pee-pee hole.
Wait! What the fuck? Ain't nothin' going up my pee hole!
Are you crazy, motherfucker?
And let's not forget the shocker!
The shocker? You can't give no man the shocker.
Oh, yes you can.
Oh, shit.
(Narrator) But little did the Trojans know
their general wasn't dead.
Just a little lost.
For a big man, he was a real good swimmer.
It had something to do with mass and displacement.
Anyway, Awesomest was still alive.
Sort of.
(gasps)
Damn, dog. I thought you was dead for sho.
(heavy breathing)
Where am l?
Slave market.
This prick is about to sell our asses.
Come on, buddy. I give you good deal.
You must be Jewish.
Here, take this.
It'll take the pain away.
Trust me. It's some good shit.
Easy, easy.
(man) Hey, buddy.
Have a look at my stock, huh?
We have good deal today.
Two for the one on the slaves.
But only today.
Hey! Motherfuckers! Shit.
Take me to dinner before you just grabbing asses.
(slapping)
Hey.
Mark of the Legion of Troy.
He's a Spaniard.
No I'm not.
I don't even speak Spanish.
Trust me, buddy. I once banged girl who said she was Lebanese,
it was complete bullshit.
She was a Spaniard.
Hola.
Como ay yama?
- I'll take 'em both. - Deal.
Two for one, right?
(laughs) Not for these.
I am Approximo.
And I bought you so I could profit from your death.
You're gonna live, fight and die for me.
And that's not even the good news.
(laughs)
The good news is I got you guys two for one,
so you were really cheap.
And I'm gonna make a lot of money. (laughs)
What an asshole.
He certainly is.
Anyway, it's a lose-lose for you.
Well, hey man. I forgot to introduce myself.
The name's Awesomest Maximus.
(laughs) Right.
And I forgot to introduce myself.
I'm Julius motherfuckin' Caesar.
You think I'm lying?
No, bro. I'm for real.
Check this out.
(gasps)
You see?
I did that myself.
I was fucking wasted.
If you're really Awesomest Maximus
then what the hell are you doing here?
You know what? I'm not exactly sure.
The last thing I remember
my troops pushed me off the edge of a cliff.
See? That's that bullshit.
No, it was totally an accident.
It was racism, man. All right?
Pushing motherfuckers over cliffs?
You're trying to hold a brother back.
Come on, man.
Anyway man, look.
Even if you're him, you ain't him.
I'm sorry. Him?
Awesomest Maximus.
Okay, l--I don't follow.
Oh, my God.
All right. Check it out, man.
Word on the street is
the real baby Awesomest got dropped off a cliff by accident
the priest found your fat ass to pawn you off as Awesomest
so he could cover for himself.
(man) Bring out the future baby general!
(second man) Yeah, we want to see him!
(woman screams)
Shit!
(sighs)
(crowd chanting) Awesomest!
Could I have this for a second?
- No. - Yes.
No, that's my baby!
(screams)
Awesomest! Awesomest!
I present to you, our future general,
Awesomest Maximus.
Come on! Show us his junk!
You mean to tell me that when I was a baby
I was dropped off a cliff?
Cliffs are ruining my fucking life.
You're not listening, are you?
All right. Check it out. Look.
Everyone knows all of Awesomest Maximus' ancestors was hung
Iike Trojan horses, right?
What you packin'?
Hey. (laughs) Okay.
No, no, no, dude. Trust me, man. I'm packin' it.
I mean, you know, it's--
If I'm excited. If the girl is pretty enough...
it's usually--I don't know how to...
(sighs)
(neighing)
Oh, my God.
Hey, do I have to separate you two?
Oh, my God.
No, no, no. It wasn't nothin' like that.
I'm explaining something.
Do you mind if I touch it?
Just to see if it's real.
I'm Awesomest Maximus.
And I'm Alexander the Great.
Man, there's always a few in every bunch.
So you see, dog? You just ain't the real Awesomest.
I'm sorry I had to be the one to tell you.
By the way, my name's Jamal.
I think your dick is on my foot, Jamal.
Oh, my bad.
(Narrator) That evening, Awesomest thought about all the shit
that happened to him in his life.
And it was a very dramatic moment for him.
Yo, Awesomest. Watcha doin'?
Praying to the gods.
And what are you praying for?
I need their help.
I have to prove myself,
change my life,
become a true warrior.
Yeah, well. I want a blowjob and a ham sandwich,
but some shit don't work out the way you want.
You know what I'm saying?
Attencione.
Hombres, por favor.
King Erotic has organized some gladiator games
during the time of peace in honor of the dead general whatshisname.
And guess who got the contract?
I got the fucking contract
because I'm the fucking man!
It's time to prove yourself, change your life,
and become a true warrior.
But anyway, that means you're going to Troy to compete.
Nice.
Yeah, well don't get so excited,
because you gotta go to gladiator camp first
to sharpen your skills, so you don't embarrass my ass
in front of thousands of people.
So pack your shit, gentlemen.
Gracias, Señor!
Yo, gods. Can I get a blowjob and a ham sandwich?
Please?
(Narrator) Jamal didn't get his blowjob or his ham sandwich,
but he and Awesomest did go to the gladiator camp,
where for the first time, Awesomest would quit fucking around
and take his training seriously.
Fuck!
That's a tie!
That's a tie.
That's improvement! You're improving.
Your cardiovascular endurance is improving, too.
Run, you idiots!
(grunts)
(grunts, thud)
Good, good! Now you gotta kill him!
Huh?
Kill him!
(grunts)
Yeah!
(gasps)
(thud)
That's it.
Now you're gonna have to bury him.
We have no one else to do it.
But good for you.
(trumpet fanfare)
Ladies and gentlemen!
Welcome
to an afternoon of killing and maiming.
(crowd cheers)
Why don't you cut that gay shit off?
This is sponsored by King Erotic
and Approximo Productions.
Come on, Dad. We're going to miss the decapitation.
These gladiators have been trained
to die horrible, disgusting deaths
for your entertainment.
(cheering)
I like it when they eat the people.
If any body parts fly into the crowd,
you can keep them, except the liver.
Hottessa.
If you can hear me, I'm either dying today
or coming home fit to be your king.
So keep me in your thoughts.
Awesomest, you smoke without me?
Not today, Jamal.
I have to stay focused.
And they're drug testing, so you might want to watch that shit.
- Shit. Word? - Word.
Hey, what the-- Hey!
What kind of gladiator are you, man?
I'm an accountant.
First up is a little something I like to call
the Annihilation of Abacus, the Accountant.
This guy screwed up my books
and he is gonna pay.
(crowd moans)
(thud)
Oh, fuck!
Ha!
You won't see that motherfucker no mo'
Tickets.
I got two in front.
You can see blood and guts, everything.
Can we, Dad?
We'll take two.
Get your beer here.
Can I have a beer, Dad?
Are you nuts? What kind of a parent do you think I am?
Next we have the chubby Spaniard
versus the Spumoni brothers of Pompeii.
Woo!
(swords clashing, grunts)
(crowd cheers)
Yes!
That nigga got skills!
(crowd chanting, indistinct)
(cheering)
Are you ready for some football?
(cheering)
(indistinct)
Go, go!
(crowd cheers)
(thud)
(cheering)
Yeah!
(Approximo) That's what we're here for. The killing.
And the Spaniard looks like he's gonna be the next superstar,
so get your trading cards now.
This kid is gonna kill right to the top.
Testiclees.
It's Testiclees.
Testiclees.
Oh, don't worry. I got this.
I think.
He's my guy.
Fuck him up you big motherfucker.
(crowd gasps)
What the fuck?
(thud)
I thought this asshole was immortal.
Wow, gladiator camp is the shit.
Are you not entertained?
Is this not why you're here?
Actually, I'm here for the tiger mauling at 4.
Me too.
Okay, then let's just let this be a lesson to you all
about the dangers of jumping onto the field of play during sporting events.
Who is this masked man?
Especially you kids, all right?
Tell Approximo I want to meet him.
Drop your weapon. King Erotic wants to meet you.
Now look chubby Spaniard.
Just Spaniard actually is fine.
I'm not even crazy about that, but...
Okay, well look. You were terrific today
I mean, the way you smash a head,
I mean, just really nice stuff,
and I would like to represent you.
I want to be your representation.
That's a wonderful offer, but can l think about it?
Look, I could give you any kind of grape you want.
Globe grapes, Concord grapes.
Globes are nice.
You like blowjobs?
Who doesn't love a good blowjob?
Ever have one in the back of a chariot?
You know what? ' I have not.
I'm not that adventurous. I'm a vanilla guy.
It's a little bumpy, but still, it's--
Spaniard!
Take off your mask.
And anything else if it makes you more comfortable.
It's Awesomest.
(crowd whispers) It's Awesomest.
My name is Awesomest Maximus,
Commander of the world's greatest super power,
husband to a hot, pushy but sexually enlightened wife,
and slayer to the invincible Testiclees,
so yeah, I'm kinda the shit.
It's not Testiclees.
Huh?
He didn't kill Testiclees.
He killed his cousin.
You killed me, you fucker.
Jackass!
(crowd jeering)
No, no, no. That--it was a different--
He jumped in and he was blond with...
Fuck. I'm sorry!
(moans in frustration)
Should we kill him, my king?
No, I have another idea for Assomest.
Awesomest.
What's the idea?
I'll tell you later.
You can't just tell us now?
(sword strikes, gasp)
I tell you later.
(indistinct)
(cheers)
(ropes tightening, grunting)
Cry mercy and it will all end.
(Awesomest groaning)
Blow me.
You know I would,
but this is the time where bad stuff happens to you.
What?
Sir, we have some news from the arena.
I told you I didn't want to be disturbed
unless Erotic groaned to have Testiclees back.
As far as I know, there hasn't been any groaning.
Well, it's your cousin, sir. He--
He went dressed up as you to the gladiator games
then he...
Spit it out!
We were really tanked, and...
your cousin, he jumps into the gladiator pit on a dare
and this gladiator who actually turned out to be Awesomest...
You know the general from Troy?
What happened to my cousin?
Awesomest mistaked him for you and cut his head off.
(yells)
(slap, grunt)
(yells)
How could anyone confuse me for my cousin?
I'm five inches taller than he is.
I've got better bone structure.
I've got 16% less body fat
and our muscle densities aren't even close.
(pants) Confused my cousin for me?
Awesomest, you're a dead man.
(growls)
What do you want to see next?
Fat lady!
(crowd chants) Fat lady, fat lady!
(rap music)
That be some big bitches.
(screams)
(cheering)
(screams)
Damn.
(screams)
Sit on his face!
(Awesomest screams)
Erotic, you sick son of a bitch.
Please, just kill me!
(screams)
Freedom!
(vomiting sounds)
This motherfucker's mine.
Oh no you don't, you little glory hog.
You! Take him!
Let's go bitches.
(groans)
(shouts)
Look. Here comes Awesomest.
Open the gates.
Somebody looking for a general?
Awesomest!
This will not be over quickly.
That would be a first.
And you will not enjoy this.
That wouldn't.
(Narrator) That night Awesomest received a true hero's welcome.
His newfound strength and staying power
drove Hottessa wild with desire.
They were man and woman,
conqueror and conquered,
master and gimp
In the end, he moved her soul, melted her heart,
and made her cum a lot of times.
And vice-versa.
Hey, don't knock it until you try it.
How could you idiots let him escape?
Us? I'd say you were a little culpable there.
(grunts and gasps)
Kinda forgot my place there, didn't l?
We have to attack them before they attack us.
But we still cannot breach their walls.
Okay, look. I'll help you out here.
And after thinking about it? I'd even try a golden shower
one time, okay? But I get to pick the showerer.
Otherwise, it's twosome, threesome, booze and jewels.
None of that other bullshit.
Are you sure?
No man juice?
I'm sure.
Suit yourself.
Now here's the big tip.
We gotta get a big wooden dick and drag it all the way up here.
Look at that. Big ass fucker.
Some people send flowers, some send wooden penises.
Shh, shh.
But it's real nice.
Artistically speaking, not in any gay way.
Don't Hercules that joint.
(snickering)
(Ellen) It reminds me of a Macedonian I used to date.
Was his name Achmed?
Yes.
We gotta bring it into the city.
We should bring it into the city and deal with it.
(snickering)
This could be a trap, my king.
There could be Greeks hiding in there, ready to jump out
and kill us after we bring it into the city.
We should bring it into the city and deal with it.
(laughing)
My king, I urge you.
We should take it and burn it.
You might be right, Quantas.
But who am I to look a gift cock in the mouth?
To the city.
(wheels creaking)
(crash)
Back it up!
And now push it in.
(crash, grunting)
Back it up again.
(wheels creaking)
And please push it in again.
Do it a little slower.
Just ram it in for fuck's sake.
(wheels creaking)
Yo, bro. I'm sorry about your cousin, man.
We're cool, right?
No, no, it's um-- huh?
(laughing)
(wheels creaking, ropes straining)
Oh, my God. (sighs)
That was awesome. (sighs)
I think you mean Awesomest.
(laughs) Yes.
I never knew you had it in you.
Actually, I had it in you.
(laughs)
I liked it when you punched me in the face.
- Did you like that? - I did. It was passionate.
How about a little slap and tickle.
Awesomest!
The Greeks have breached our walls.
What? How?
A giant penis.
Thank you. But how?
They're sacking the city.
(gasp) - Shit! - Fuck!
(shouting, crowd noise)
You have done well,
my little friend.
Is your hand up my ass?
No.
Maybe.
Man, get the fuck off of me.
Erotic.
Kiss my black ass, motherfucker.
Let's spare the soldiers' lives and settle this the old fashioned way.
Your best fighter versus mine.
We win? You leave Troy forever.
And if we win?
Then we submit to your rule.
Deal.
Testic--
I'm right here.
You're either too late or you're too early.
Your timing is horrible.
Get over it.
And who is your best fighter?
Orlando!
Just kidding!
Oh, my God.
I just shit my pants.
You should have seen your face.
I'm kidding.
I'm gonna fight him.
Great. Let's do this.
I got a loincloth wax at three.
(laughing)
Woo-hoo-hoo!
Come on!
(shouts)
(screams)
(laughs)
I know, right? This shit is sick!
You can't kill the indestructible Testiclees.
That's my boy.
I saw this going differently in my mind.
(shrieks)
(shouting, swords clanging)
Leave him alone, Mr. Testiclees.
If you wanna deal with someone,
then you deal with me.
Oh, my God.
His name is Testiclees
because his testicles are his weakness.
Ain't that motherfucker a genius?
(laughs)
(shouts)
(shouting, swords clanging)
Time for Testiclees to end this shit.
The end is near.
Oh. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. That's it. Take your time.
(crunch)
(groan)
(slimy sound)
(no sound, silence)
(silent)
(slimy sound, creepy music)
(gasping, choking)
(hits the ground, crying)
Oh, my balls.
Oh, my balls!
No!
Who's this chick?
Please. He's my only son.
Dude, that's your mom?
Mommy.
Shh. Let me kiss it to make it better.
Oh, my God. That is so sweet.
There's nothing like a mother's love.
(moaning)
(chanting) Awesomest!
No!
This was supposed to be my moment.
Greeks!
Trojans!
Ah-oo!
No, no! Wait!
Wait for what?
Awesomest, listen. I know that he's a bit of a meany pants.
Uh, a bit?
But he's just-- he's misunderstood.
No, I'm not.
Yes you are. Don't you see?
All of this murdering and enslaving,
it's you overcompensating.
Overcompensating?
Yes.
For what?
For who you really are.
Right here.
It's true. He sees right through me.
I know I see right through you.
It's because l-- I love you.
I'm gay!
Shit, I knew it.
Wow.
Don't you understand?
Why do you think that I took Ellen in the first place?
I was trying to make you jealous.
I mean, people died. Things got a little crazy
and I feel bad about it,
but I was trying to get a rise out of you.
Oh, my God. Why didn't you just say something?
Because I didn't know what to say.
Oh, me too. I was so jealous when you came to visit
and all the time you were spending with her.
I knew it!
Who cares about being king of Troy?
Oh, girl. You can still be the queen of Greece.
(laughs)
You know what? Fuck Greece and fuck you!
I mean, come on!
This whole war started because you two--
faggots
wouldn't come out of the closet?
I had to climb a mountain and fell off a cliff.
I lived in a cage.
I got smothered by greasy cellulite.
I even killed a special needs kid, for what?
All right, look.
Erotic, if I let you live, do you promise to return home
and leave Troy the fuck alone?
And Orlando. Do you promise not to steal anyone else's wife
or cost the lives of thousands and thousands of men.
Yes, I do.
Okay, that's just great.
Then by the power vested in me
as the general of the Trojan army
I declare this war over.
We win. You lose.
(chanting) Awesomest!
I am so proud of you.
Thanks, babe.
I have some good news and some bad news.
Okay, good news first.
Troy is safe.
You have become the man I always knew you could be.
and I will get to be the queen.
Fantastic. What's the bad news?
I'm in love with Ellen and she's moving in with us.
Fantastic. What's the bad news?
I always knew you'd be into it.
What's the bad news? Okay, bye.
So what'd he say?
You're in.
Yes!
Awesome! Awesome!
(Narrator) And so it was that the wrong baby
became the right man.
A man who became a general,
a general who became a legend,
a legend whose name will echo not just through his time,
but through all time.
The legend of Awesomest Maximus.
And that's a true story.
But what's with the stupid voice?
I just do that to make it sound more important.
Please, are you actually telling me
that you're buying this guy's goat shit?
I mean, he's just trying to get into our togas.
Listen, you bitch. All this really happened.
It's a true story. I'm gonna be the king.
And where is your wife, the queen?
Hottessa? Probably back at the castle.
We got a, you know, an understanding.
Kind of an open thing.
Get a new line, douche bag.
Come on.
I thought he was kind of cute.
She's been drinking on my tab...
(Narrator's voice) The world's fate is decided by legends,
men who are larger than life,
whose tales of bravery...
(normal voice) Oh, suck my awesome balls.
General, sir. I have underestimated you.
Today, you have shown strength.
You have shown honor.
Today, sir, you have come a long way--
(snickers) You said "come."
I'm trying to give you the respect that I believe--
I'm trying to give you the respect--
- Are you repeating me? - Are you repeating me?
We're going to play that game?
You are by far...
You are by far the worst general...
You're not even a general.
- Unbelievable. - What's unbelievable?
- I thought you'd changed. - I have changed.
You haven't changed a bit.
I changed the fucking world.
My name's Edward Barbanell
and I approve this Shakespeare monologue.
Oh, from you the fire.
(off screen) Do you remember when I cut Darren in half
all the way down to his balls, right?
I visualized the whole thing.
Really? I wouldn't have known that.
(Minoritees) Give me back my fried chicken, motherfucker.
Hey, hey.
(laughs)
(off screen) We're good at musical chairs.
That's true. Most people who win musical chairs
go on to kill and kill.
Is the--Jeff, I can't do this. Come here.
I mean, this guy's an amateur.
I've never even heard of fucking The Revenge of the Nerd.
A kingdom for a stage, princes to act,
and monarchs to behold the swelling scene.
Yeah! See? (indistinct)
You need some fucking therapy.
Freak.
(rhythmic hand clapping) Let's go Trojans!
Between you and me, Your Highness, Hottessa's been on the rag.
Well, don't be an idiot. That's natural.
Um, um. Just try doggy fashion.
Some women prefer it.
Check it out.
(screaming)
Ar-ar-ar.
(nonsense)
(sighs)
It's a burden.
This whole war was started because you two
Watch it.
(laughing)
Shit.
Is there no one else?
This is pushing my face.
(laughs)
Turning the accomplishment of many years
into an hour glass.
and admit me, Chorus, to this history.
Who, prologue-like, may your humble patience pray,
kindly to judge, our play.
(off screen) Great!
(applause and cheers)