MAC: (HEAVING) Okay. Oh, you know it.
KELLY: (BREATHILY) Okay. MAC: Okay.
MAC: There we go. KELLY: That's it.
MAC: That's good. KELLY: Okay.
MAC: Okay. KELLY: I'm okay.
Ah! KELLY: Shh.
Do you want me to put a pillow over your mouth?
You gonna choke me or something? What?
Is it like a new sexy thing?
No, so Stella won't wake up.
Oh, no, I'm sorry. I'll just be quiet.
MAC: Okay.
(WEEPING)
Shh.
I'm sorry.
(STAMMERS) I'm having a hard time.
I'm a vocal lover.
(MOANING)
(STOMACH GRUMBLING) (RETCHING)
Oh.
What was that? Nothing.
Just looked like you might throw up. I'm fine.
You're sure? No, I'm fine.
Is it me? Are you nauseated by me?
Come on.
Baby, you're my bear.
You look awfully nauseous. I'm fine.
Did you eat a crab salad again?
(SCOFFS)
You did, didn't you? No.
(BURPING) Oh, no.
Okay.
That's fine. (CONTINUES BURPING)
Stop. Just stop. Sorry, it's...
You're so sexy though. Thanks, baby.
You're sure you're okay?
Honey, I'm completely and totally...
(RETCHING) (GROANING)
Sorry.
Baby, I think I might be pregnant.
That's great!
(CHUCKLING) Sweetie, that's fantastic! (KELLY CHUCKLING)
BOTH: Ugh.
Sorry. (STAMMERS) Why don't we...
Is it weird that I came?
They're gonna be here in five minutes.
I gotta poo! You already pooed.
I need to poo twice sometimes! When I'm nervous I poo twice!
You're gonna have to poo later!
Fuck! Fine!
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
Stella, how do you keep finding
Mommy's dildo? (VIBRATING)
Just put it away, okay? No.
When did she start saying "no" all the time?
I don't know. Hide your unmentionables.
Hide your bongs!
(DOORBELL CHIMING)
(GLASS SHATTERING)
(BOTH PANTING)
What's that smell? It's bong water.
Hey! Welcome home. Hi!
Yeah, come in.
If you decide to buy the house, that is.
They might. They like it.
Yes. Great. Well, yeah, so...
Sorry. I know it's annoying to keep on dropping in.
No. Not annoying at all. Not annoying at all.
What's annoying about this?
So guys,
here's the thing.
We'll take it!
(GASPS) Oh...
Oh, that was totally...
All right.
MAC: That was scary.
We love suspense.
Oh, boy. Look.
Guess your daughter found your vibrator.
Stella.
She just keeps finding it.
I don't know what's going on.
Stels, put that away. No.
Stels! She just learned that word.
Don't even worry. I think I have that same one at home, right?
(ALL LAUGHING) But ours is in black.
Black cock.
Yeah. Uh-huh. MAC: Dude.
Maybe we should sign some stuff.
Why don't we.
Yep. I think we should do that.
We sold our house! We sold our house!
We did it! Whoo!
Don't get too psyched because you haven't sold it yet.
You're in escrow.
What's that bullshit? Were you trying to fuck us over?
What the fuck are you talking about?
I asked you months ago if you understood
what escrow was, and you said yes.
Just say it one more time. Maybe say it one more time.
You know, just refresh our memories.
Okay. Very simple.
Escrow is a 30-day period wherein the buyer of the new house
gets to do inspections and whatnot.
And assuming everything goes well
and nothing changes with the living situation to spook them or something,
you close. Okay?
So wait. Do we have escrows on
the other house we just bought in the suburbs?
No. You have no escrow on that house.
MAC: Why the fuck not? (STAMMERS)
Because that house had multiple offers.
And you screamed at me,
"Do whatever you have to do to get that house."
Yeah, I remember that.
So, I did it. So you have no escrow there.
And then I asked you three times,
"Do you understand what escrow is?"
And once again
you just nodded.
Just like you are right now.
This is how the real estate crisis happened.
Buyers can pop by at any time, okay?
Okay. Okay.
So, your 30 days "do not fuck up" clock starts now.
Could you just watch your language, please?
She's holding a dildo.
MAC: That's not a dildo. That is a...
Toy.
From a cartoon.
Japanese, anime cartoon. Mmm-hmm.
Well, I watch that cartoon every night. (CHUCKLES)
Ah, Jesus Christ, man, we're getting old.
Why do you say that?
Because our friends are dying.
Who's dying?
Do you remember Joe Waterston? Yeah.
Dead. Really?
Yeah. Had this little weird mole on his shoulder.
Was driving to get it checked out, hit by a bus. Dead.
Are you okay, man?
No, I'm not okay, man.
I'm freaking out about Paula having a baby.
I don't think I can do it.
Dude, you're gonna be a good parent. Don't worry.
No, I'm not. I don't know anything.
Do you know you can't leave a baby alone?
If you're at home
and you want the baby to stay while you go see a movie? Unacceptable.
That I do know.
You knew that? I did know that.
How the fuck are you gonna have two?
I don't even understand how that physically works.
I'm actually not that worried.
I'm a good father to one daughter.
I think I'll be a good father to two daughters. (SNICKERING)
Come on. What?
(LAUGHS) You're not a good father.
Fuck you. I'm a good parent. Okay?
Okay, okay, okay. Yeah.
Well, tell yourself that, because before you know it,
Stella is gonna be a tween who hates you,
and it's gonna be your fault because you let her play with Kelly's dildo.
Because you're a bad parent.
Me and Kelly are good parents.
Don't take your shit out on me, okay?
All I'm saying, thank God, I'm having a boy.
'Cause girls are fuckin' hard.
What are you talking about?
Man, it's just easier with boys, you know?
Like, when a boy gets laid, it's awesome.
When a girl gets laid, it's bad.
That's not true.
You want your daughter to have sex?
You're gonna be like, "Hey, Jimmy, good news.
"Stella just got fucked.
"Come on over let's have some beers."
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
(POP MUSIC PLAYING)
ALL: Yay! Yay!
Welcome to Phi Lambda!
ALL: Yay!
This is such an exciting year.
If you're lucky, and you make the cut,
you will be joining a sisterhood
and making best friends for life.
ALL: Yay!
PHI LAMDA PRESIDENT: We're getting a hot tub. (GASPS)
Yay!
We have all brand new feather duvets.
That's dope.
And we got a new chef, and we're going gluten-free.
(CHEERING CONTINUES)
Hi. What are you doing?
(COUGHS)
(INDISTINCT WHISPERS)
I totally should've offered it to you first, man. I'm sorry.
Pecking order, you know?
Who hits it first? No, you go for it.
No, we don't hit joints here, ever.
That's against the rules. You're gonna have to take that out.
Cup!
Cup.
This is $12. There's hash oil in the middle.
Cup!
(SIZZLES)
Your parties must totally suck ass
if you can't smoke weed. Am I right?
Oh, damn!
PHI LAMDA PRESIDENT: We don't throw parties here.
No sorority can.
According to the Greek Council, we can't.
(CHUCKLES) Really?
No, this is an actual, real thing.
In the United States of America,
sororities are not allowed to throw parties in their houses.
Only frats can.
Google it.
(KEYS CLACKING) (INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
SHELBY: Oh, my God! Really?
You just don't party?
No, of course we party, stupid.
We just do it at frats.
Yes!
(ALL CHEERING)
ALL: Phi Lambda!
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
Hey! Oh, hi!
Sorry, if I interrupted. No, I...
I don't actually know anyone here,
so I was just rereading old texts,
so I don't look like a loser.
So was I.
No one was texting me. (CHUCKLING)
Are you rushing Phi Lambda?
Yes, I'm Beth.
I'm Shelby.
This is exciting, right? Yes!
First frat party.
Yeah, totally.
Totally.
Ten in the bucket. Yeah, go.
Hey, what's up? Ten in the bucket.
Okay.
You're cool. Get in there.
Uh, no way. This is all of my money.
No, no. We got a runner! Thank you so much!
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(WHOOPING)
Oh, my God. I feel like this entire room
is just a giant arrow pointing upstairs so they can fuck us.
Oh, my God!
'Sup? You wanna go upstairs?
Who are you asking?
I don't wanna be rude. I really don't have a preference.
No.
'Scuse!
This isn't exactly what I expected, you know?
Yeah, you mean this fucking sucks, right? Yeah.
And does no one know that the same song
keeps playing over and over again?
Oh, my God, I noticed!
And it makes me want to blow my brains out.
NORA: Hi, I'm Nora, by the way.
Hi, I'm Nora. Yeah, no.
Let's get out of here! Let's leave!
I am so happy I found you guys.
That was the most weird party ever.
I thought college parties were supposed to be fun or something.
Yeah, I felt unsafe.
It was super rapey in there.
NORA: If I'm being honest, I've never done drugs before,
but college is about new experiences.
And here I am, and I'm gonna do weed.
BETH: (CHUCKLES) Okay.
Just take a little bit.
Wow, that's a big hit.
(COUGHING)
Oh, my God. Are you okay?
Oh, my God. Do you need some water? Are you okay?
Oh, my God. I think she's gonna boot.
If she boots, I boot.
You're beautiful.
(CHUCKLES) She's good.
I think this is my thing now! (ALL GIGGLING)
BETH: I can't believe you never smoked in high school.
What did you do in high school?
I didn't tell you guys. Okay.
Um, I've been in a pretty intense relationship since third grade.
Oh, my God, like Cory and Topanga?
Stop! Yes, exactly.
That's such a good call.
That's the cutest thing I've ever heard in my literal life.
Yeah, exactly like that.
Personally, I've made love to three men.
Two were black.
And one was Indian.
Um, I've done like everything, but...
But what?
Like everything you can do,
but that one thing.
You've never eaten out a guy's ass before?
SHELBY: No, no.
No. I mean, I dunno.
High school kind of sucked, if we're being totally honest.
Yeah, my dad was super strict, I had really early curfews.
When he dropped me off at college,
he gave me a rape whistle
and this huge speech on how to behave myself as a young woman.
Yeah, I mean, because of all that I guess
I didn't really have much of a social life when I was in high school.
Girl, you don't have to say it. We get it.
You had no friends.
DUSTIN: Knock, knock, knock!
Hey! R.A. coming through.
What up, homies?
BOTH: Hi, Dustin!
Kind of smells a little funky! (CHUCKLING)
(DUSTIN SNIFFING)
Hmm.
Okay. Are we done here, guys? GIRLS: Um...
First warning, just the first warning.
(BETH CLEARS THROAT)
I'm kidding. (CHUCKLES)
You're adults. You're in college.
You scared the crap out of me.
Were all of you smoking weed?
We smoked weed.
God damn it!
I fucking knew it!
You don't do drugs. Do you?
Okay, we're cool?
I'll see you fools later. Hit me up if you need me.
Peace.
God.
Oh, my God.
I am so sick and tired of all these guys coming into our lives
and trying to tell us what to do.
BETH: We're not little girls anymore.
We are strong adult women.
Yeah, and sororities can't even throw their own parties.
We can't even enjoy the frat party.
We can't have fun in our dorm.
You know what we should do?
We should start our own sorority.
One that can party the way that we want to. Mmm-hmm.
And like, most importantly,
we can make sisters for life. Yeah!
I wanna be your sister. I wanna be your sister.
Okay. Oh, my God!
(CHEERING) ALL: (CHANTING) BFF! BFF! BFF!
I told you guys to shut the fuck up!
(MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS)
BOTH: Poker night!
Selfie stick!
Yeah. So I've been designing Outback Steakhouses.
Congrats. Lots of Outbacks.
But, dude, tell me what's going on with your app.
Changing the world and shit.
You know, one dick at a time.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Seriously, that's a great idea, man. Thank you!
An app that makes pics of your dick bigger.
I meant to tell you, I enjoyed your TED Talk.
Oh, thank you so much. Thanks for watching.
You're so successful.
Well, I'm still a cop, which is not that bad.
You know, it's a lot of rules now.
We gotta wear body cameras and all of that.
I don't know why they gave me one.
It's not like I'm gonna shoot myself.
But, hey, I figured if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
What are you up to, man? How you doing? Yeah, that's real good.
Work's been a little bit of a bummer.
They eliminated the shirtless models,
so now I have to walk around in this monkey suit.
Looks like a really soft sweater.
TEDDY: And then you know what else, too?
I'm the oldest person there now by six years.
I had to cover for my boss, Mason,
because he had to go to his "prom."
When did everyone in retail get so young?
Hmm.
I just feel, like, really undervalued, you know?
Yeah, for real.
At least I have you guys. PETE: You do!
I love you guys, man. PETE: You do.
Delta Psi, man.
Once a week, Delta week every Monday.
Yeah. Gotcha.
So, uh, Darren. Mmm-hmm.
How much you putting in?
I'm going
all in.
Big hand! (DARREN CHUCKLING)
Man, what do you got, a full house?
Hopefully, one day.
(CLEARS THROAT)
(UKULELE PLAYING)
(SINGING) Well, you done done me and you bet I felt it
Oh, my God. Our song.
What's going on?
I fell right through the cracks
Now I'm trying to get back
Oh, I won't hesitate
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
No more, no more
It cannot wait
I'm yours
PETE: Oh, my God.
The Greeks believed we were each half of a whole.
Peter, you are the half that makes me whole.
This is happening! Oh, my God! Is this happening?
Look, I don't know what the rules are.
I don't know who is supposed to propose to who.
And you're not a ring guy. You don't have to wear it.
You know, I guess. No. That's okay.
Wear it for me. All right.
Will you marry me, Peter McCallister?
Yes, you know I will! Yes! Put it on.
Okay, one, two, three!
(ALL CHEERING)
ALL: (CHANTING) USA! USA! USA!
Did he ever tell you about college?
College was crazy, man!
He used to just crush it.
Slay tang.
No. Oh, wow.
You were out of your mind a little bit.
I was figuring stuff out.
Yeah, figuring stuff out knee-deep in pussy.
Oh...
I also used to...
I ate pussy.
Not as much as him.
By the way, is it cool...
Can we talk about the living situation real quick?
Dude, don't sweat that. Yeah?
Darren, you can move in any time.
Dude, he's basically here every night.
Thank you so much! Yeah. Right. Okay.
Seriously, though. Would it be cool if Darren moved in
and then you did not live here anymore?
What do you mean? Why?
I mean, we're engaged.
What did you think was gonna happen?
That you two would move into your room,
and that I would live in my room.
For happily ever after.
We're thinking maybe, because Darren works from home
that maybe we would turn it into an office.
And then, maybe one day
uh, a baby's room. (EXHALES SHARPLY)
No, babies are real small. They are.
They're tiny, they're the size of a little shoebox.
Huh. Doesn't take up the whole room.
Think of a counter argument, but I...
Yeah.
Dude, I was just fucking joking.
You were fucking... Totally fucking with you.
You know what?
I need to go for a run.
You're gonna go right now for...
I'm happy for you guys. I love you guys.
Bring it in, man. Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Love you, dude. Love you, man.
Teddy, don't you wanna grab your shoes, at least? (SIGHS)
Look, ladies, the owner of this house is super cool.
He's like me. He's cool, he's dope.
You can do anything here.
You can party, you can stay up all night, play on your phones.
Snapchat that shit, I don't care.
And smoke weed.
The question is can you afford it? What's your name?
Shelby. Shelby.
Look, I'm Team Shelby.
What's your name? Nora.
Nora. I'm Team Nora.
What? Beth.
Okay, I'm good.
Look, girls, normally, it's $25,000 a month.
But I'm willing to offer it to you for $5,000.
Wow. Can you afford five grand a month?
No.
(CLICKS TONGUE) Oh, I'm getting a call. Hold on, please.
(SOFTLY) Did his phone ring?
I'm so sorry. I have to take this call.
It's another ragtag group of girls
trying to start their own sorority.
They're real alternative, real edgy.
What to do?
Guys, we gotta act fast. What are we gonna do?
I don't know. We don't have enough for a month.
Shit, what do we do? (GROANS)
I don't know. You're looking at me
and I don't really know what to...
NORA: Whoa. Okay, guys.
There is a beautiful centaur sitting thoughtfully over there.
SHELBY: Who are you?
I'm Teddy Sanders.
I used to live here.
SHELBY: Why are you limping? BETH: Are you okay?
I just ran here, barefoot.
Really far.
(CHUCKLES) Huh.
You guys are thinking about renting this place?
Maybe.
What do you guys want with such a big house?
We're starting our own sorority
outside the system
that can totally do whatever it wants. NORA: Yeah.
Mmm-hmm. Like throw dope-ass parties and totally rage.
A sorority that can party?
Kappa Nu.
What's wrong with fraternity parties?
(SCOFFS) What isn't?
We threw great parties here.
Pimps and Hoes,
CEOs and Corporate Hoes,
(CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY) Boise Boys and Ida-Hoes.
They're, like, super sexist. (SCOFFS)
Every party is, like, themed hoe. (CHUCKLES)
I mean...
Jeez.
Oh, no! Oh, God!
TEDDY: Mmm-hmm.
Yeah, I see your point.
Honestly, though, it's kind of a fucking moot point.
We got to figure out something else.
We can't afford this place.
How much money do you guys have between the three of you?
Maybe a few thousand dollars.
That's if you really pool it all together,
and that's for the entire school year.
So use that as a down payment,
throw a rush event, get a bunch of members.
They'll pay their dues,
plus you'll have an army of people to make money for you.
And then pretty soon, you're a full-fledged sorority.
Right? Do you guys have the rental agreement?
I don't understand one thing that you just said to us.
Last week, I was sleeping in a bunk bed.
SHELBY: Yeah.
I can't make an Eggo!
I can't make one. I don't know how.
We're 18. We know what we wanna do.
We have no earthly idea how to accomplish it.
I ran Delta Psi for four years.
I could definitely help you. Okay.
I mean, would that be, like,
of value to you?
Yeah, that'd be, like, of tremendous value.
Really?
We should, like, celebrate!
Yeah! Okay.
Dude, who wants to take a rip on the zip?
NORA: Go for it! Dude, check this out!
NORA: Okay.
I swear, we used to ride this baby tandem.
Check this out. Delta Psi!
(GROANS) Oh...
Dude, are you okay?
I'm fine. Yeah, I'm good.
Legally, this is not my responsibility.
We'll take it.
Dope!
NORA: Are you okay, dude?
TEDDY: Yeah, I'm totally fine.
SHELBY: I'm really hyped.
I think it's gonna be the perfect house for us.
NORA: Yeah, I'm so excited, you guys.
TEDDY: It's gonna be good.
I'll see you guys soon. NORA: Thank you.
SHELBY: Thanks.
Is that Teddy Sanders?
Oh, shit. Oh, no. Who are they?
Go, go, go. Guys, go.
Go, get out of here. I'll explain later, okay?
Mac! Kelly! Hey! Yo!
What's going on?
What's going on, man?
What are you guys doing here?
You live here. Yeah, of course. Who are they?
Don't worry about them.
Okay.
So, I see you guys are moving?
Moving on up, yeah. (CHUCKLING)
Well, heck. (CHUCKLES)
You could have done that when I was living here.
That would have been nice. (CHUCKLING)
Yeah, I know. Just weren't ready yet.
I have a criminal record now because of you guys.
(LAUGHS) Look out.
No, for real. Like, it's hard to get jobs.
So, it's been really tough.
So, what are you doing here? Buddy.
Yeah, what brings you to the hood?
You guys will find out soon enough.
What does that mean? Huh?
Don't worry about it. It's cool.
It's good to see you guys. Kind of missed you.
See you soon.
MAC: All right. See ya.
SHELBY: Yo. You wanna rush the coolest sorority ever?
This is the one.
ALL: Kappa Nu welcomes you.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(ALL WHOOPING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING) What the hell?
KELLY: Oh.
There's people there.
Somebody move in?
Excuse me, ladies. Excuse me. (CHUCKLES)
Hi. Hi.
(MUTTERING) What the fuck?
What's happening here?
"Kappa Nu. Wants you." What the fuck?
Hi! We're your neighbours. Hi. Hello!
SHELBY: Oh, hi.
Mac and Kelly. Hi, I'm Kelly.
Are your parents around or something like that?
Oh, no, no, no.
Meet the girls of Kappa Nu.
What's that then?
It's our sorority.
ALL: Hi, neighbours!
Do you want a beer or a mocktail?
Like a mommy mocktail? Congratulations.
Oh, sure. I'll take a mocktail.
Get this woman a mocktail. (CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY)
Great. Thank you.
Shelby will get them for you. Thank you.
Thanks a lot.
What the fuck? What are we gonna do?
I don't fucking know.
The buyers are not gonna want to live next to a house
with a fucking sorority in it.
Is now a good time to freak out? No, no.
Should I freak out? No, no, no.
Should I start screaming? Come on. No, no.
Okay, look.
We've just gotta convince them to chill.
We just need them to behave themselves.
We just ask them not to party while we're escrow.
We'll be fine.
As soon as we're not escrow, go fucking apeshit.
Hey, guys.
Hey. What's up?
Um, can we have a quick chat with you guys for a second?
We kind of had a question for you guys.
You see, we live next door, we just sold our house,
and we're escrowing for the next 30 days.
And, basically, if anything happens that spooks those buyers,
they'll pull out of the deal, and we'll own two homes and be fucked.
KELLY: So it'd just be great if you could be mellow and low-key,
and just basically not party for 30 days. And that's it.
Then we'll be gone. You go crazy.
We'll be out of your hair. Yeah.
Um...
Well, here's the thing.
A really big part of us creating this sorority is because
fraternities are allowed to party
and sororities are not allowed to party.
Really? What?
SHELBY: Yeah, so partying is a really big deal for us.
And you guys have a daughter, I'm sure
you'd want her to have equal rights as guys.
As a man, I could not agree with you more,
and could not support your cause more.
I think my wife has some thoughts though
on maybe why you guys could approach this differently.
Kelly. What?
Take it.
Ladies, we can come to some sort of
compromise here, can't we?
I'm sure maybe... No means no!
'Sup, neighbours?
Teddy?
Welcome to soon enough.
What does that mean?
You don't remember when I told you
that you'd find out soon enough?
I think a lot of this is going on in your head.
I'm mentoring this sorority.
Why? That's a thing?
Yes, it's a thing.
Why are you doing that?
I don't know. Why do butterflies fly?
To drink nectar.
I don't know why things do what they do, but what I do
is facilitate the act of partying in this house.
What?
So let's rage!
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
(ALL CHEERING)
Missed you guys.
TEDDY: These are the rules for a successful sorority.
Rule number one.
Use these money buckets to keep track of your cash.
Five buckets a month equals house rent.
Rule number two.
Keep getting pledges and you can dress them up like idiots.
Minions! Minions!
MAC: They got a hilarious army of fucking Minions.
I love Minions, and now I have to hate them.
They're making me hate something I love.
(SHRIEKING)
TEDDY: Rule number three. Throw the type of parties
that show what you guys are all about.
Hillary Clinton.
Joan of Arc orders you to pass the joint.
First Lady Hillary Clinton?
Or Senator Hillary Clinton?
Or future President Hillary Clinton?
Oprah, we're out of beer.
Everybody look under their chairs. (ALL GASPING)
You're all getting beer!
You get a beer, you get a beer, you get a beer.
I love you, Oprah.
Could you please be quiet?
MAC: Shut up! KELLY: Shut up!
(GIRLS CRYING)
I cannot tell you how thankful I am...
I love you so much.
(MOUTHING)
TEDDY: It's not fair! They're too young!
(GIRLS CHEERING)
KELLY: Why don't they shut up!
MAC: Just stop it! KELLY: Stop it!
KELLY: Shut up!
(ALL SINGING)
MAC: Please. Please!
We're begging you! All right, listen.
I cannot shut down a sorority that's trying to become independent.
Why not?
It's a PR nightmare.
What's the nightmare?
CAROL: For example,
"Sexist female dean shuts down sorority."
That is reverse sexism.
Which is, in and of itself,
a sexist thing to do.
There's no such thing as reverse sexism, Mr. White Man.
Oh, okay. Hey, don't talk to me like that,
because I am Jewish.
I am a minority.
Well, less of you. Like Labradoodles.
Okay.
Look, if they get three strikes they have to shut down, right?
As far as I'm concerned, they have infinite strikes.
I see we're playing outside the rules of the system,
so why don't we go to Plan B?
Here's a little something to change your mind.
Mmm.
Do we have a deal, chancellor?
No.
You know what, fuck you!
Unleash the hounds, sweetie.
That's how you talk in front of your daughter?
MAC: Oh, I think we know how to be parents.
She's a baby, "A." She doesn't retain any of that shit.
Well, yes she will. No, she doesn't.
Watch.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Fuck.
What's she watching on her iPad? Goodfellas.
Ha, ha, ha. Jokes on you.
I don't know what she's watching on that iPad.
(IMITATES SIZZLING)
KELLY: What are we gonna do?
We have an inspection soon.
The buyers could literally drive by at any moment,
say, "Oh, the house has a few leaks,
"and there's 20 fucking psychopathic
"teenagers living next door."
We're gonna have two houses.
And then we'll have no houses.
And then we're screwed.
We're totally screwed.
Hi, sweetie. Hi, baby. Hey.
We just got to get rid of them.
I couldn't talk to those girls.
No. We had middle ground with the guys.
We could talk to the guys.
Yes! They look at us like
it was like their grandparents walked into that house.
Right? Stella is not gonna turn out like that.
No. No.
She'll be our best friend forever. Yeah.
She loves talking to us. Yeah. We're a team.
Right, Stella?
Come over here, Stella. Come here.
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
Honey, wanna come over here?
(WHISPERS) What the fuck? What the fuck is wrong with her?
Play with your toy, sweetie. Play with your toy.
Just keep playing with your toy. Give him a kiss.
You know who kids listen to?
Their parents. Celebrities. Their parents.
What's up...
Hey, Dad!
You started a sorority?
You're supposed to be living in the dorm,
not in some old dilapidated mansion!
This is what you want?
You wanna live like some sort of a drifter murderer?
I can do whatever I want here.
Dad, that's the point of college.
I'm my own parent.
When did you start talking like Eminem?
I'm gonna talk like this. I'm gonna talk like that.
This is ridiculous!
Look at that pizza, how old is that?
The cheese is moldy on that.
SHELBY: Cheese is mold.
I can eat it, whenever I want it.
God, have you inherited my stupid gene?
Look at you.
So you get to be just as dumb as boys now?
Is that what you learned here?
You are going back to the dorm!
No! This is where I chose to live.
It is only Kappa Nu.
Looks like my little girl's growing up.
Thanks, Dad.
I can buy your girlfriends and you some brunch, if you want?
I kind of need some new jeans.
Oh, we can go shopping then.
Yeah, cool.
How did it go? Yeah. They gonna be cool?
Did you punish them or whatever?
I tried my best, but there's nothing I can do.
What do you mean? What?
Ah. You'll know.
When they're two years old, you can
get them to do almost anything you want.
Get a little bit older, and it's harder to control them.
I do not understand a word she says.
But it was good to see her.
(CRYING) The house is so quiet without her. KELLY: Oh...
(SNIFFLES)
I'm fine.
Gosh.
Beautiful child.
Can I hold her?
No, no, no. That's okay. That's great.
Is that a dildo dressed as a princess?
Nope. That is a popular children's cartoon character of today.
MAC: Thank you for trying.
(GIRLS CLEAR THROATS)
BETH: Hey, meanies! NORA: Hi!
You called my parents?
Yes, we did call your parents.
Yes. We did. We actually did.
Oh, really?
It's 30 days! It's just 30 days!
It's 30 days! Then we won't be escrow!
Then we'll be out of your hair! It's 30 fucking days.
It's all we're asking for.
It's on.
No, no, no. No.
Nothing's on. Why would it be on?
No, it's on. But we're turning it off.
If we turned it on, we can turn it off. Can we just turn it off?
It's on.
(GIRLS WHOOPING)
GIRLS: Hey, Mac! Hey, Mac!
Great! I see more of you have moved in.
(GIRLS CHEERING)
This is private property. You're trespassing.
Hey, Mac.
Looks like Beth needs some suntan lotion on her.
MAC: I think she's okay.
Leave me alone. You're not going.
(CHEERING CONTINUES)
(YELLING) Where am I? (SCREAMS)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(PANTING)
Oh, no.
I killed a girl!
I'm on painkillers, motherfucker!
Kappa Nu!
What the fuck is wrong with you?
(GROANING)
MAC: Get away! Go away!
Get out of here, you animals!
MAC: This isn't working!
You're only making them sexier!
I don't like it! I don't like it!
(POUNDING ON GLASS)
What the hell was that? Was that a bird?
(POUNDING CONTINUES)
What the hell is that?
Oh, no!
KELLY: Oh, God! Tampons!
Oh, that's filthy!
Stop it, you animals!
Get off! Stop it! Oh!
Oh, my God! Mac!
The other window is open!
(GROANS)
That was really funny!
Where'd you guys get so much fake blood?
(CHUCKLES) Oh, from our vaginas.
That was real?
Yeah, it was our uterine wall sloughing off.
You just threw...
That was really gross.
Ugh. Why'd you do that?
That was way over the line.
Whoa. That's, like, super sexist.
It was really fucking funny.
You would've been like,
(IMITATES TEDDY) "It's so funny," if it was a bag of dicks.
"Look, it's a bag of dicks on the window!"
No, that...
(EXHALES)
(CHUCKLES)
A bag of dicks.
(TEDDY CHUCKLING)
Yeah, you got me. That's funny.
A bag of dicks.
Here's the deal. First inspection, tomorrow.
We need help. We have to get rid of the girls
tomorrow, from the house, between 10:00 and 5:00.
Exactly.
If our home owners see these girls, our escrowment's gonna end.
And these girls are fucked, man.
They're from another fucking planet.
KELLY: Yeah. They're worse than the guys.
Look. Brainstorming sesh starting now.
Guys, a play on a classic.
We "hoes before bros" them.
No, no, no.
No. That's not gonna work. Why?
Because you put hoes before bros. Always. Yeah.
It worked with the guys. Why won't it work with the girls?
Because girls are much smarter than guys!
That is sexist!
That's not sexist. MAC: What is it?
Not when it's against guys.
That's not sexist.
I don't even know what's sexist.
Hey, men's rights.
No, fuck you!
KELLY: Are you okay? Why are you itching?
What's wrong with you?
MAC: Did you get poison oak or something?
Here's the deal.
We got bedbugs.
No! Gross! (YELLS) Oh, my God!
I'm sorry. I come to this restaurant.
I don't wanna be embarrassed.
That's even worse! Don't embarrass us!
It's gross!
Hey, it's fine, okay? We're dealing with the problem.
We tented our house. We have to be out for three days.
JIMMY: This is such a good idea. These clothes have so many bedbugs.
MAC: Just shut up, we just gotta infest them fast!
Here's some more pledges. They're bedbugs!
Boom!
JIMMY: These are my best pants!
MAC: I don't care about your fucking pants.
All I care about is bedbugs. Get it in. Hurry.
It's so hot in here. Can't see in this fucking thing.
JIMMY: That sheet has so many bedbugs.
MAC: I feel them! I can feel them! Get it off!
JIMMY: Oh, my God!
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
Hello, hello!
We're entering! Put on your clothes!
Hi! Hi!
Welcome! Hello.
Great! Good to see you guys!
Good to see you again. Welcome back!
The place looks great. Yes.
I brought my boyfriend by. (CHUCKLES)
Just kidding. It's the mold inspector, the old mold king.
You don't think there's actually mold here, do you?
We kind of smelled a little something weird when we were here before.
Just wanted to double-check.
Why not, right? Yeah.
Great! Cool.
That's why we're here.
What's going on over there, by the way?
New tenants?
Yes, a new family moved in next door
and they're just doing a little fumigating.
Very nice, quiet, lovely family.
Family, huh?
It must be pretty big. That place is huge, like eight bedrooms.
It is. It is.
This is a very religious family.
They're Jewish, and they're lovely.
Yeah, why did you just do... You know?
Anyway, they're lovely.
I think there they are now, actually.
Look! It's our Jewish neighbours. KELLY: Oh, hello.
Proof they actually exist.
And she's pregnant.
Got another little Jew in the oven.
Why don't we start the mold inspection?
Come into your house.
Come on in. Come into your home.
Why don't we start in your kitchen? Yes.
This place is weird.
Yeah.
(VOCALIZING FOLK MUSIC)
Uh, Teddy, where are you gonna be staying?
Uh, right now?
I'm helping a bunch of girls build a sorority.
They're moving into our old house,
so I'll probably just move in with them.
It's a big step forward for me.
Okay. Yeah.
That's super weird.
It's actually not weird. It's actually super normal.
Whatever makes you happy, right? (CHUCKLES)
Darren, can you back the fuck off?
Whoa, whoa, Teddy! Relax!
I finally found somewhere that I'm good at,
where I'm valued!
You want to criticize that?
What I was saying is that it's just a little weird
for a grown man to be helping
a bunch of girls make a sorority.
Doesn't that sound crazy to you?
No... Did you know that sororities don't have the right to party?
You know, there's no legal right to party.
Yes, there is a legal right to party...
Garf! Back me up, Garf.
Man, just leave me out of it.
Okay.
Look, I'm your best friend. I'm just trying to be honest.
Oh, yeah?
Well, took you long enough.
What's that supposed to mean?
You didn't tell me your biggest secret
through all of college, man!
Where is this even coming from right now?
(STAMMERS) You told Garf first!
He was bi-curious most of sophomore year.
He was the logical person to tell!
Sometimes you gotta suck a dick
to realize you don't like sucking dick.
You're just mad because you're fucking lost.
The rest of us, we've moved forward.
Garf's a cop, Scoonie's got his own business,
I'm getting married.
And you're moving into a fucking sorority.
You know what?
Those sisters are better brothers to me than you ever were.
You're not my brother.
Don't say shit you can't take back.
Bros before hoes.
Don't call them hoes.
That's not cool anymore.
All right, ladies, we gotta talk finances.
Okay, it's really serious.
The fumigation took so much of our money
that we're down to two money buckets.
And I don't know what we're gonna do about it.
Okay. What if we use our Minions to make us money?
Oh, no. Their plates are full cleaning the house.
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Ahhh!
Maranda.
Doesn't your brother sell weed on some farm outside of town?
Yeah, I did say that.
My brother, Daffodil.
Why don't we spend all of our bucket money on Daffodil's weed
and sell it at the tailgate this weekend?
NORA: Holy shit! Fuck, yeah!
We can make it rain on them hoes!
I love that idea! We can make T-shirts
with glitter glue. Kappa Nu.
It's not a good idea. CHRISTINE: I like it.
It won't make enough money. Excuse me?
Everyone at the tailgate's gonna be selling weed.
NORA: I got it.
We're gonna corner the market on weed
by ratting out every other drug dealer in town.
That way Kappa Nu
is the only group selling weed at the tailgate.
Fuck yes!
F you guys! That shit's brilliant!
Guys, guys... Guys, this is really risky.
(SING SONG) We gonna sell... GIRLS: Weed!
CHRISTINE: We gonna smoke... GIRLS: Weed!
What we gonna sell?
GIRLS: Weed!
God damn it! God damn it! God damn it!
You're acting like children. You need to listen to me.
I've been down this road. I know what I'm doing.
And I have some wisdom. And I feel like I'm protecting you guys.
(TEDDY CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY)
Am I right?
Teddy. We just voted and we've decided it's best for you if you go.
When?
Just now.
With our phones.
What? No. (SHELBY SIGHS)
No.
No, you can't do this to me!
I thought we were sisters.
We were supposed to be a team.
Why is this happening? You can't do this to me!
(STAMMERS) I quit my job!
Well, we didn't tell you to do that.
I liquidated my 401K for this.
What's a 401K?
I don't know, now!
Look, I'm so happy that you helped us
get to this place that we're in.
You really let us spread our wings and fly as women.
This is all I have!
I thought we were in this together.
You're not like us, dude.
You're an old person.
(EXHALES)
No, you're right.
I've been playing for the wrong team.
(TEDDY BREATHES DEEPLY)
I'll be seeing you around.
(CHUCKLES) Okay.
I wasn't, like, too harsh on him, was I?
No, no. You were fine. You were great. You were good.
(EXHALES DEEPLY)
It's fine.
Well, now that Daddy's gone,
time to get feisty.
(CLEARS THROAT)
(IN PANICKED VOICE) Hello? 9-1-1?
I need to report three different addresses
that are currently selling marijuana.
Yes, ganja.
Get on the fucking ground!
Put it in your mouth!
Yeah, you like it, don't you?
Watkins, what are you doing, man?
This is your training day! What's training day?
This is your training day!
Get down!
(TASER CRACKLING)
(EXCLAIMING)
You're not in the Academy anymore, private.
Oh, sorry.
Oh. You guys gotta come to the precinct with us.
You ride in the car. We got bottled water.
We'll stop at P.F. Chang's, Chipotle, whatever you need.
Passing that mold inspection was a miracle!
Praise be. Yeah. No shit.
If they drive past here and they see the girls, it's over.
The worst part of this whole fucking thing,
I'm so stressed out, all I want to do
is chill out and smoke a joint,
and my dealer doesn't have any weed. He's fucking dry!
TEDDY: Good luck finding any.
MAC: Jesus Christ, man! KELLY: Whoa!
How the fuck did you get in here?
None of that matters right now.
I want to help you guys stop that sorority before it gets too late.
Really?
That's right.
I'm switching sides.
Nice! That's awesome! Cool! Yes!
FYI, Kelly, I'm still down.
(CHUCKLES) Stop it.
Okay. I know you're not gonna fuck.
It still hurts my feelings.
He's just having a joke.
Kappa Nu has cornered the market on weed.
Oh, no! Oh, God.
TEDDY: Oh, yes!
Until Monday, they are the only purveyors
of weed in the greater Ardendale area.
Holy shit! Do you think they'll sell me some? Oh, my God.
No. Fuck!
They have seven pounds of weed.
They can sell it for $50 a gram if they want to.
That's over $1,000 an ounce,
$16,000 a pound.
All said and done, if they move it all, that's over $112,000.
Dude. We should do this.
You're incredible at math.
Nah, I suck at math. I'm good at weed.
It's the same thing.
No, this is weed.
Just pretend it's seven pounds of meat, just try it.
Why would I even be buying meat?
I don't know. You're hungry.
Are you talking burgers?
Steaks.
How much does a gram of steak go for?
I don't know. Why would I be selling grams of steak?
Fair enough.
Their plan is to sell the weed at the tailgate.
And believe me, that's enough for them
to stay in the house through your escrow.
God. What do we do?
If we steal their weed, they won't be able to pay the rent.
All of the members that they've recruited
will have to rush other sororities,
and that will be that.
What's in this for you, bro? Yeah.
Honestly, I just want to be valued.
Well, it begs the question.
How the fuck are we supposed to beat them? There's 15 of them!
No, they have 15 individuals.
They're not a cohesive unit.
They don't understand the most important rule of sisterhood.
There's no "I" in sorority.
Yeah, there is. There's two actually.
Actually, there's just one.
No, that's a "Y."
No, in the middle. That's an "O."
Two "I"s, straddling the "Y".
S-O-R-R-I-A-Y-O-R-I-T-Y.
What?
There's a "U" in there that you guys are all missing.
S-O-R-R-I-R-O-I-T-I-T-Y.
Sorriroi-tity? KELLY: That's how you spell it.
You think the "tity" is silent?
Look, we're all getting sidetracked right now!
Guys, bottom line is
we need to figure out a way to infiltrate that tailgate.
Tailgate?
Tailgate.
(PEOPLE CHANTING)
ALL: Tailgate! Tailgate!
(MUSIC PLAYING)
High pie!
Yes, you. Come on! Pot pie!
SHELBY: Weed for women! It's only 20 bucks!
Kappa Nu weed. It's charity weed.
NORA: High pie.
BETH: Come on! It's just $20 a slice!
Come get your pie! Pot pie, guys!
First off, you look fucking horrifying.
What? It's a clown, man. People love clowns.
(MANIACAL LAUGHTER) Jesus fucking Christ!
Stop doing that!
Don't do that again. Okay? I will give birth.
Guys, listen! Here's the plan.
I'm gonna get up on stage and I'm gonna dance,
distracting the girls just long enough for Mac
to run around and steal the weed.
Kelly, Paula, I need you both to drive getaway.
I can't have you running around here 'cause you're pregnant.
Wait, just you dancing is enough
to distract the entire sorority?
I don't know about that.
That'll work. It usually works.
I don't even know where we are right now.
Okay.
MAC: I'm ready. All right.
Oh, shit! Fuck!
What's wrong? Damn it.
No! I don't have the baby oil.
What's the big deal?
No, it's the most important thing!
With baby oil, you get, like, two extra lines here.
MAC: Really?
Hold on, hold on, hold on. God damn it.
All right, let's go!
Ooh, that's hot! (SIZZLING)
Oh, that's really hot! Ow! It burns!
Rub that shit in.
All right, rub it in. Rub it in.
Jeez. (PANTS)
Oh, my God! God bless you, kid.
Kelly? What?
What the fuck are you doing? We're in a rush, Mac.
JIMMY: Come on, Mac. Get his thighs. Okay.
Yo, what's up! Clear the stage,
clear the stage! (CROWD WHOOPING)
I got something to say.
This song right here goes out to my girls in Kappa Nu.
I know we've been going through some rough times lately.
But I love you. (CLICKS TONGUE)
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
DJ, let's shake that booty.
You got this, right, Beth?
Yes, I got this. I'm right here.
(CROWD CHEERING)
(GROANING)
Fuck!
(CLOTH RIPPING)
(CROWD CHEERING LOUDER)
(GIRLS SCREAMING)
No! He showed dick!
Oh, no!
The weed! Oh, shit!
SHELBY: It's all gone!
Oh, my God! It's all gone! It's all gone!
Chester the fucking Cheetah took our weed!
BETH: Get the fucking bag of weed!
Get the weed!
(MANIACAL LAUGHTER) (HORN BLOWING)
(GROANS)
God, I hate clowns!
KELLY: Get out of the way!
Get another exit. Find the exit!
I'm blocked! I'll get another car!
KELLY: Go! Go! Oh, No!
(CROWD CLAMORING)
(SHELBY GRUNTING)
Move, move, move!
(GROANS) Fuck!
Get out of the way!
(MANIACAL LAUGHTER) (HORN BLOWING)
(JIMMY CONTINUES LAUGHING)
I got your weed!
Move!
Which one is it? Where's the weed?
(HORN BLOWING)
SHELBY: Give me the fucking weed!
(GRUNTS)
Who's laughing now, clown?
Who's laughing now? Ow! Stop!
It's garbage! It's not weed!
JIMMY: Oh, fuck!
The weed! The weed!
Go for it!
(CONTINUES GROANING)
Oh, shit!
Okay, wait! Mac,
you can do this.
(INHALES DEEPLY)
WEED VOICE: (SING SONG) 4-20!
(GRUNTS)
(CROWD CLAMORING)
Oh, fuck!
On your right! Take it!
SHELBY: I'm All-State track and field, bitch! (SCREAMING)
(PANTING)
(GRUNTS)
(HORN HONKING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
Come on!
Hurry!
(SCREAMING) Oh, shit!
JIMMY: Here she comes!
Free weed! Take it! Free weed! Weed for everyone!
Free weed! Free weed!
(CLAMORING CONTINUES)
NORA: That's all our weed! How are we gonna pay rent?
You're really turning me on with your muscles right now.
Two pounds coming!
You look... Are you in pain?
They're just a little heavy. Yeah. Yeah.
I love you! Shit! (FEEDBACK)
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
(HORN BLOWING) Ah!
Oh, fuck!
MAC: This is a fucking shame, but it's also pretty fun. KELLY: Whoo...
Thank you, dude. Yeah.
Dude, those girls were out of control!
No, those girls were out of control until we controlled them.
You really controlled them.
You have to remind yourself that
any situation is actually controllable
because parents are smart and kids, by comparison, are fucking stupid.
You have it figured out. You can't do anything
until you know the answer to one simple question.
"Who is Teddy Sanders?" Mmm.
It's a very important question to ask yourself.
Before I got anywhere in life, I asked myself,
"Who is Mac Radner?"
And I said, "Who are you, Kelly Dhundee?"
Your maiden name's Dundee?
No, it's got an "H." Dhundee.
Like Crocodile Dundee?
It's "Dhundee." It's a different name altogether.
I know it's a different name, but it's just a coincidence.
Crocodile Dundee.
(SHOUTS) It's nothing like it!
No. Nothing like that.
But anyway, that's what you need to know. Who is Teddy Sanders?
KELLY: Buddy, what are you doing today?
Yeah, what's your...
What your overall game plan here?
Just in life.
I'll probably play some games on my phone,
and walk around for a little bit until I tire myself out,
then go to sleep in my car.
Probably.
(SOFTLY) So sad.
Um, do you wanna maybe crash here?
Really, I won't take up too much room?
You could sleep in Stella's room.
She takes up this much space.
KELLY: Yeah.
(SNIFFLES)
Thank you, guys.
No, thank you.
It means a lot to me.
I can see that. It's not that big a deal.
No, it is a big deal.
Thank you. Okay.
(MOUTHING)
Thank you.
(INHALES SHARPLY) Do you have any more of these?
Yes, there's heaps in the kitchen. Help yourself.
Are they baby food?
Technically.
Babies eat good food. MAC: Yeah.
(CHUCKLES) This is awesome.
Go get them.
MAC: (SOFTY) That's cute. Look at him.
He inhaled so much weed smoke he tuckered himself out.
All right.
Guys, we lost our nest egg.
We lost all of our weed and our rent is due.
What are we supposed to do?
Beth, what happened? I thought you were the one
stopping the old people from getting the weed.
No! Do not blame me!
You saw what was happening up there.
I am a human woman. I had to watch that.
I was on the whipped cream. You were on the...
(ALL CLAMORING) We watch things together...
She was in charge of the weed. You were in charge of the weed.
No, no! Stop it!
Stop it, don't you see what's happening?
This is what the old people want us to do.
They wanna tear us apart.
They know that if we're a united front, we can't lose.
Because we are sisters.
And for the first time in my life,
I feel like I belong right now.
This is so much better than I ever thought college could be.
This is the most fun I've ever had and I went to space camp.
I haven't slept in, like, a week.
I just don't want to miss out on anything.
You guys are so much fun.
We're never gonna lose each other.
I mean, what do you call a house full of united women?
A brothel.
No, man.
A sorority.
Oh...
Okay. This is the problem.
We're never gonna solve our money issues
when we're in this war with the old people.
What can we do? We're gonna give the old people
a taste of their own medicine. All right?
They tried to tear us apart. Yeah.
So, what are we gonna do?
We're gonna tear them apart!
GIRLS: Yeah.
I mean, unless you guys think that's too intense of a plan.
Shelby, they would never say you were too intense if you were a man.
Yeah, own that shit, queen. Yeah.
Let's do this, team! Yeah!
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
Ah. What do we think of that?
"Oh, my prince, come for me!
"Come for me."
(IN DEEP VOICE) "No, I won't. I'm not coming for you."
(IN NORMAL VOICE) Yellow stars.
What color for her dress? Mmm?
TEDDY: What is the water doing?
MAC: It's boiling.
Pretty cool, huh? What we do now,
we're gonna add the eggs to it. Okay?
You put eggs in the water? Yeah. Watch.
Did you hear that? TEDDY: (GASPS) Ah!
It's hot!
Oh, dude, don't fucking touch it! I told you it's hot!
TEDDY: Oh, my gosh! I thought it was like Jacuzzi hot.
MAC: No, it's boiling hot! TEDDY: Oh.
Now, we add the eggs, and we hard-boil them, okay?
Don't put the eggs in there. It's gonna melt them.
No, it hard-boils them. It makes them hard.
Why would it make eggs hard?
What do you mean, "Why would it make eggs hard?"
It makes pasta soft.
Whoa.
That's a good point.
KELLY: She looks fantastic.
Look at this.
I think this is a gorgeous color.
Oh, I love coloring in. (SOFTLY) I love it!
She's quite overdressed really, isn't she?
She's just in a garden somewhere in a ball gown.
Do you see people sometimes that I don't see?
You can tell me.
TEDDY: Honey, I'm home!
I've always wanted to say that.
It's fun. I say it all the time.
Really? Yeah.
KELLY: "Dear Mac, I know everything seemed good between us,
"but I've been lying to you and myself. I'm freaking out. From Kelly."
What?
What's she talking about? That's gotta be a joke.
She must be fucking with me.
Yeah, she's joking around.
(MAC SCOFFS)
(PHONE CHIMING)
That is so fucked up. You bad, girl!
Oh, yeah. It's on!
I'm gonna call her. Definitely call her.
MARANDA: Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck! Fuck. He's calling.
MARANDA: Hang up, hang up. Decline, decline.
What's going on right now?
It's okay! CHRISTINE: Hang it up!
Just stay chill. Everything's fine. What should I do right now?
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
Huh?
(PHONE CHIMES) Where did she go?
I know exactly where she went.
What?
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
Mac, I've been up all night! I'm worried sick!
Please just text me something. I'm worried.
(PHONE CHIMES)
KELLY: What?
Fucking Jimmy.
Let's go, I'm hungry!
Trying to get this tweet out.
How do you spell Trump?
KELLY: Jimmy.
Hey, what's up, Kel? Where is he?
Where's who? You're lying to me!
You're a fucking terrible actor! Tell me where he is!
Uh, I don't know.
He told me that you'd pretend you didn't know where he was.
Tell me where he is! Ow, no.
Hey, Kel!
Where is Mac? Mac is missing, and Jimmy knows where he is.
Fucking tell her where the fuck he is!
I was with you last night. I don't know.
I know you're protecting some stupid bro code.
Just tell me where he is.
Bro code? No, there's no bro code.
He likes you more than me. He tells me that every day.
You're fucking lying to me, Jimmy! Tell me where he is!
I'm not lying.
Excuse me. Why is there so much language...
This is an emergency!
My husband Mac has vanished, and this man knows where he is!
Well, tell her! Tell me!
Tell her! Fucking tell her!
Whoa! Oh!
You don't have to do that. Tell me!
(ALL CLAMORING)
He's in jail for child porn!
What? No! I'm lying! I don't know where he is!
BILL: No, no, no!
Call him on the phone now! Call him!
You deserved that, Jimmy.
Hold on! Hold on! (STAMMERS) Call him!
JIMMY: Here, here. Fuck it!
(GROANING)
It broke the skin.
Kelly?
Why do you have Jimmy's phone? Where are you?
Are you around here? Are you hiding somewhere?
(CRYING) Where are you? I'm in your office!
I've been looking for you.
I went where you told me to meet you!
Where are you?
In Sydney, Australia! What?
Outside the Opera House!
You're in Australia?
Yeah, I just got off a plane. I've been on a plane for 18 hours!
What's happening?
We've been hacked!
"Kappa Nu fooled you."
Kappa Nu?
Prank war! Airbags, airbags!
Airbags!
BILL: Airbags! This is not a drill! All butts up!
All butts up! Go!
I might do the bridge walk and then I'm gonna come home.
SHELBY: It's a barely used refrigerator.
"Old people shit?"
MAC: "Kappa Nu steals from you."
They robbed us?
This is so fucked!
We should call the police! We can't call the police!
We stole their weed. We're in too deep!
You know what? Girls are worse than guys!
I'm just gonna say it!
I know that's not feminist, but fuck that!
At least they didn't take Stella's toys.
MAC: Oh, don't give me that!
I've been awake for four days. I'm so tired!
It's 3:00 a.m. where I am in Australia!
We are so fucked!
We're in a drug war with teenagers.
We don't have any furniture. We're gonna go bankrupt.
We made so many bad choices throughout this process.
We're about to have two girls! Two kids!
That's completely irresponsible of us. We can't take care of one.
I know I'm not a good parent.
Oh, fuck that. I'm the bad parent.
Now, shut it down. No. You don't get this one!
I'm the bad parent! I'm the bad parent.
Last week, I found her chewing on a nugget of weed.
I don't know how long she had it in her mouth for.
Was it the Indica or Sativa?
It was Indica! She slept for, like, nine hours after.
I'm the bad parent.
When she was six months old,
I dropped her on her head.
So did I. What?
One time, I went to Taco Bell, I left her at home.
I forgot she existed.
She almost died over a Gordita.
I'm such a bad parent.
Well, maybe we're both bad parents!
(VIBRATING)
(PHONE CHIMING)
Oh, no.
It's Wendy, the realtor.
My clients are backing out of escrow.
Yeah. What?
We drove by the house yesterday and saw Kappa Nu.
How do you know the name of the sorority?
I went to college, too, you know.
Omega Theta. Let's roll out!
Why the hell is he here?
I thought you were my clients.
We hired him because you just forgot to mention
the sorority that lives next to our new house, so that's why.
Okay. Well, congratulations because you hired a joke.
Oh, shove it, Wendy.
Oh, shove it right back at ya, Oliver!
Why don't you shove it? Shove it right back at ya!
We fucked once.
Not applicable.
I just feel like we're escrowing apart
and we should be escrowing together.
Exactly, guys. Can we just escrow together for a minute?
And the truth is, they're lovely girls.
Lovely girls. Super nice girls. We promise you.
I don't think that they are
because we literally saw them robbing your house.
Well, thanks for fucking stopping them!
You just stood there while they robbed our house?
It wasn't like that.
You didn't tell us about the sorority!
Is there anything we can do? We're desperate!
Yeah, you can magically make the sorority that lives next door to you
disappear by tomorrow.
NORA: Is it real?
No! Maybe it's just the old people messing with us.
No. It's a real eviction notice. I called the landlord.
Okay, maybe the landlord was just one of
the old people pretending to be the landlord.
No. We're actually being evicted, okay?
We have no money to pay for it,
because we spent all of our money on the weed.
So now we need five buckets of money
otherwise, we're gonna get kicked out tomorrow.
We're gonna lose the house. We're gonna lose the house?
We're gonna lose our sisters, 'cause we're gonna be put in separate dorms.
Then we're gonna have no friends anymore,
and it's gonna be just like high school all over again.
What are we gonna do? I mean, how do frats make money?
They throw parties and they charge for them.
But no one's gonna pay money to come to our parties.
NORA: Yeah, it's not like a frat bro is gonna walk up and be like,
"Ooh, you look good in your normal clothes."
Wait!
"I love your sweater!"
Girls, I have an idea.
Okay.
You're not going to like it though.
We have to throw a party.
No. When we throw parties we lose money.
No, not one of our really fun parties
that we actually have a good time at.
I mean it's, like, empowering.
We have to throw a really shitty frat brother party.
One where the frat brothers like it so much,
they actually pay us to come to.
And then they really like it so much, they tell
all their other douchy frat brother friends
and they all pay us, too.
Like the one we met each other at?
The other option here is losing the house,
and if we lose the house we lose Kappa Nu.
I'm not gonna lose you guys.
Okay. BETH: All right.
Let's go tell the girls. BETH: Okay.
We don't want to lose this sorority.
We don't want to lose our house, okay?
That's why we gotta
dress a little "hotter than we usually do."
I'm hot!
I fucked the pizza man.
I gave him five stars on Yelp.
You have chips in your hair.
Yeah.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
KELLY: Look at the production value on this video.
We are totally fucked! We're gonna be bankrupt!
TEDDY: No, no, no! Look closer.
They've lost their way.
They've become everything that they've hated.
JIMMY: Jesus Christ. KELLY: They're vulnerable.
They're relying fully on this party to support this house.
He's right.
If we shut down this party, the sorority will dissolve.
It's time to show them who's adults,
and spank their little bottoms.
I wanna spank them all.
Let's do what parents do better than anything,
stop young people from having fun!
(UPBEAT TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING)
SHELBY: Come on in, guys!
Hey, hope you let yourself in this party later on.
(GIRLS GIGGLING)
You're funny.
Call your friends, okay? Tell them to come.
And bring money!
We shut this motherfucker down at all costs.
Y'all go in, shut it down from the inside.
Me and Kelly stay, call the cops
shut it down from the outside.
Inside, outside. Got it.
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
Now I'm ready.
Now, I'm ready. (MANIACAL LAUGHTER) (SHRIEKING)
Jesus Christ, man. Ow!
Hey! Hey.
What's going on, Kappa Nu?
Bro, it's only 20 bucks. You've gotta get down here now.
They're gonna get wet everywhere, I swear to God!
There's so many fucking hot bitches here, it's ridiculous.
It's like a hot bitch fiesta.
They're, like, all ripe and ready to pop!
How much money have we made? How many money buckets do we have?
This punch tastes kind of funny.
We didn't put out any punch.
Oh, no.
I'm gonna start phase two, okay?
Phase two, is we have to stop the old people
from calling the cops, okay?
If you see any old people in here, stop them!
I don't like this. Me neither.
No! Stop drinking that.
Ha! My tongue is numb.
TEDDY: Just blend in.
Yes, blend, blend, blend.
JIMMY: Oh, excusez-moi. (GIRLS GIGGLING)
It's a good party. I am gonna text my friends.
No, it's all a lie. It's a deception.
They don't think you're funny, okay?
What? (GROANS) Oh, fuck me!
Oh, you okay? What's wrong?
I shouldn't have eaten that McRib.
It's no big deal.
I'm just having the worst cramps in my life every five, six minutes.
Yeah, I think you're going into labor.
No, no, no. The baby's not due till tomorrow.
You're definitely going into labor.
You need to be timing this.
Oh, it's passed. I feel great.
JIMMY: I told you, she's not going into labor.
She's all good, dude.
Whoo! There she goes.
You should really go after her.
She's the boss of her own body, all right?
The last night of freedom!
JIMMY: I love you!
I love you, bubba!
We have to get upstairs. That's where the power source is.
What are you doing? Don't drink that!
What's wrong?
Come on, dude! Never drink the punch!
Oh. Whoo! Let's go.
I saw you with Teddy.
Why were you with Teddy?
Shh.
We're gonna kill the power and shut down the party.
What?
(GROANS) I got real fucked up really quickly just now.
Me, too.
But all I had was the punch.
Shit! We got Cosby'd!
Yes!
(INHALES DEEPLY)
Kappa Nu,
good night to you.
(MUSIC PLAYING DOWNSTAIRS)
(SIGHS)
They must have an alternate power source.
MINIONS: Banana! Banana! Banana! (ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
NORA: Must stop you!
(GRUNTING)
(GAGGING)
Oh, my God. Look how big my tongue is.
(GIGGLING) Look how big my tongue is.
(BOTH EXCLAIMING)
Ew!
NORA: Shit! Fuck!
Party's big enough, let's call the cops. Okay.
SHELBY: Hey, sweet tart!
It's a little hard to call the cops without a phone, ain't it?
Give us that back! No!
KELLY: Drop it!
Whoa. Ah! Ooh.
What the fuck?
Called a cord, dumbass!
Fucking old people phone!
What the hell?
Where are our phones?
Oh, what, these?
How'd you get those?
Come on.
Yo! I couldn't find the power source.
Shelby took our phones. Do you have a phone?
No, I don't have a phone. I ran out of data.
Shit!
SHELBY: I'm in here, guys. MAC: Garage.
SHELBY: Don't try and find me though.
Oh, you're getting warmer. Getting warmer.
You're definitely getting warmer.
Ooh, ooh. You're getting warmer.
Getting warmer.
Bingo.
TEDDY: Shit!
No!
I'm not gonna let you out until we're done raising money, all right?
There's energy bars in the corner.
There's some water, and there's a poo bucket if you need it.
MAC: Shit!
You come back here, young lady!
MAC: Kelly! Help us! Shelby!
Come back here!
Come back here right now. (GRUNTING)
It's locked. She locked it.
Okay. Calm down, let me think.
All right here's the plan.
We're gonna throw everything we can at this door.
What are you doing?
I'm pooing! When I'm nervous I poo!
Look away.
Suck it back up. We gotta get out of here.
TEDDY: Yo, get out of the way.
Big man!
(GRUNTS)
Come on!
(GRUNTS)
Ooh. Shit!
(GROANING) I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
(GRUNTING) Let's try something else.
I'm fine.
(GRUNTS) (GROANS)
Oh, shit! Mac, you okay? (GROANS)
I'm good.
Ooh.
You broke my bike.
That didn't work.
No! Do you got another one in you?
I think...
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
That's it.
That's our way out.
MAC: That's way too high up.
No, it's not.
What are you gonna do?
I don't have the keys. Can you hot-wire it?
We can drive through the wall.
No, I don't know how to hot-wire.
But I do know a thing or two about
airbags.
TEDDY: (SOFTLY) Set it down really soft.
(MAC GROANS)
Okay. (BREATHING HEAVILY)
Now if we do this correctly,
the force from that airbag should blast us straight through that vent.
Okay. Who's gonna do it?
(SIGHS) I'm gonna do it. Thank God.
I don't think I could do this.
You okay, man?
Are we gonna still hang out after this?
Are you gonna wanna hang out with me?
Yeah.
And like even though, like, the war is over,
I wanna, sort of, be of value, you know, to you?
Yeah.
Prove it.
Prove what?
Hug me.
I'm good.
Give me a hug.
Give me a real hug.
What does that do?
It solidifies the bond, bro.
(SIGHS)
Bring it in.
I appreciate you man. Thank you.
This is actually really nice.
Oh, man. This just feels good.
Yeah, I like that. Boom! Yeah! (GROWLING)
TEDDY: That's it. Powerful. Power. Yeah!
Yeah!
All right, that's a little much.
Thanks, buddy!
Oh, dude. I like this broing down shit.
Dude, we are bros, okay? Yes.
Let's do this man! All right.
Okay, before you do this,
maybe just make 100% sure that... (BREATHING DEEPLY)
...you're all lined up.
Get ready?
One! Two! And three! Two! Three!
Oh, God! (GROANING)
Oh, no! Are you okay?
I'm fine. I'm fine.
I'm fine. I got this.
No, you don't got this at all.
You for sure have a concussion, man.
I'm okay. I just need 10 minutes. Dude.
No! I'm gonna take it from here.
(SOFTLY) Be careful.
Okay.
It's time.
(BREATHING DEEPLY)
(SOFTLY) Time to save my family.
(GRUNTS)
(GROANS)
KELLY: Are you okay?
It worked!
Oh, God.
(EXHALES DEEPLY)
Whoo.
Hey, girls! Guess what?
I got rid of the old people.
They're trapped in the garage. We're fine.
What is that?
MEN: (CHANTING) Boob! Boob! Boob!
This party sucks.
I can't be here anymore.
Guys, guys. We're good.
Are we though?
MAN: Wet T-shirt contest!
No! Stop!
You're all winners. You're all winners.
Yeah, baby!
I think I'm quitting.
Yeah, I'm quitting, too.
I'm out.
No! You all can't quit. We'll figure it out!
Wait!
SHELBY: Wait! Girls, let's just talk about this for a second. Okay?
Stop it! Slow down!
Hold up! Stop!
Just stop moving! Okay? Look...
Oh, God. The party's even bigger.
(GROANING)
What the fuck? What happened?
I've been roofied, so if anyone's
ever wanted to have sex with me,
tonight's the night.
SHELBY: The plan is almost done, okay?
I got the old people away. Everything's fine.
We're Kappa Nu.
This isn't Kappa Nu. This is not what we set out for.
That's what? That's it? You're gonna quit?
Oh, come on. Don't blame us. You ruined this.
I look like Nicki Minaj!
I look like Snooki.
I was the only one trying to save this. This was all my idea.
You're literally running away to quit.
Whole fucking thing's imploding.
So we're gonna destroy their friendship?
No, we're just...
We got escrows, dude.
We tried. We tried our asses off. This is not gonna work.
The whole system is against us and that's all there is to it.
All right. I give up.
We live in a sexist world and there is nothing we can do about it.
I can't believe this is actually over.
And now I'm gonna lose all my friends
and it's gonna be just like I was in high school.
I just wish we had never started
this stupid sorority in the first place.
I don't like this.
They shouldn't be saying that.
They're just kids.
SHELBY: No, it's over.
(SIGHS) No, it's done.
Hey, hey, hey! Ladies!
Get your shit together!
What's with the meltdown?
You're strong, powerful women and you're trying to buck the system.
You're just away from home for the first time and you're scared.
I am scared.
You got this.
You know what the right thing to do is. You know what's right.
We know the right decision to make.
NORA: We know it.
What's the right decision to make?
Don't give up on yourselves.
Give us a little more.
You get knocked down, you get up again.
They're never gonna keep you down.
BETH: Did you just make that up? I did.
Kelly.
Tell them to make out with each other.
Tell them the house isn't Kappa Nu, they are.
This house isn't your sorority, you are!
No, the mom is right.
Why are we doing this right now?
Why don't we just throw the party we wanna throw
and worry about what's gonna happen tomorrow?
It doesn't matter if we lose that.
It matters if we lose this.
(NORA CRYING)
SHELBY: You guys. BETH: I'm so happy.
(GIRLS GIGGLING)
SHELBY: Ooh...
Sisters' hug!
(CHUCKLING) I wanna see them kiss so fucking bad.
CHRISTINE: All right, let's kick all these douchebags out of our house.
Good speech, sweetie! Thanks, baby.
Where did that come from?
We have a daughter, baby.
What happens with our escrows now?
I don't know, but I think it's the best possible outcome.
Okay.
PAULA: Jimmy! Jimmy! Where are you?
Oh, fuck! Paula.
Guys, I think I was wrong.
It's not the McRib.
No! Oh, my God!
MAC: (MUFFLED) Oh, God!
It's got my foot!
Ugh! It's a breech! It's a breech!
Go to the hospital!
I love you. I love you!
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
Are we gonna lose our house?
I mean we have no money, so we're definitely losing it. Yeah.
Well, we better blow it out!
Guys, this party is amazing. You did it.
The first sorority that can party. We'd all love to join.
Who's "we"?
(ALL CHEERING)
(CHUCKLES)
Uh, drop your dues in the bucket if you wanna join.
Do we have to wear hoodies?
I mean, no offense to you guys, but I like to dress pretty.
No, dude. You can totally wear whatever you want.
Welcome to Kappa Nu. (ALL GIGGLING)
Welcome, you guys!
(ALL CHEERING)
NORA: Oh, my God!
Come in.
Money in the bucket. Just some money in the bucket.
Yeah, just throw it in the bucket.
(GIRLS CHEERING)
(MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)
Hey, Pete.
Pete.
Pete, wake up, man.
(WHISPERING) Pete.
Dude, what the fuck?
(STAMMERING) What are you doing?
Just calm down. Just listen.
(BREATHILY) I'm sorry, okay?
I'm sorry.
When you two got engaged,
I was in a bad place
and I thought I was losing my best friend.
Then I realized I'm never gonna lose you
because we're brothers.
Forever.
Right? For life.
I'm not losing a best friend,
I'm gaining a best friend's husband.
DARREN: Motherfucker!
Hey, hey, hey! It's okay. It's all right. (GASPS)
Teddy and I are just making up.
Okay.
(DARREN BREATHING HEAVILY)
Um, can I ask you something?
Yeah, man.
Would you maybe wanna be my best man?
Holy shit. Really? Yeah.
Yes, I'll be your best man, dude.
I love you. Love you, dude.
You, too!
Come over here. PETE: Get over here!
I have two brothers now. (PETE CHUCKLES)
(KNOCKING)
(MUSIC PLAYING OUTSIDE)
I see your shitty be-yourself party
is even more popular than your fucking sell-out party.
So, that's fantastic.
Actually, it's really good for you
because we are prepared to give back to you for helping us
with your escrowdom.
We've made a shit ton of money,
eight buckets, actually, full of money,
and we have way too many people wanting
to join our sorority than we have room for.
Yeah, we can actually afford to fill two houses now.
Can we rent your house for overflow?
SHELBY: Yeah. NORA: Just an idea.
We are prepared to offer you four buckets of money per month in rent.
(SOFTLY) Five.
Five. We'll do it for five buckets.
Per month. Five buckets per month.
Five buckets it is.
Fuck, yes! Eat shit! We win!
Give us more!
You can do this every month? Yup.
When can we move in?
Right now! Who cares? Give us the money! Yes!
KELLY: We're gonna be landlords! How hard could it be?
Fuck it. Fuck you!
(ALL GIGGLING)
Thank you!
Overflow party!
(GIRLS CHEERING)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
MAC: Oh, man.
I'm gonna miss this place.
Our first house.
When Stella was a little baby.
Mmm-hmm.
That's where she took her first steps.
MAC: Yep.
That's where she said her first word.
(MAC CHUCKLES)
Those are the little notches when she was growing taller.
You see your little notches?
Remember those, Stels?
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
It's all going by so fast, huh?
Yeah, it's crazy.
Yep.
Okay.
MAC: Let's go.
Come this way?
MAC: It's our new house!
KELLY: You can't even see the neighbours.
You know what? I think we are good parents.
I mean, we parented Teddy.
We parented 30 crazy sorority girls.
Well, we're trying. Yeah.
Because that's all you can do, right?
I think so.
The truth is, it doesn't even matter if we're
good parents or not, because one day,
our daughters are going to look at us
just like those sorority girls do.
They're not gonna want anything to do with us.
They're not gonna wanna talk to us.
It breaks my heart.
STELLA: Momma.
Are you scared?
I'm scared.
MAC: Come on, sweetie.
(STELLA GIGGLING)
Come on, sweetie. (GRUNTS)
Hey, cheeky girl!
Hey, sweetie. How are you?
MAC: Do you wanna go to sleep?
KELLY: Do you want to go to sleep?
Not yet.
Not yet? You wanna just hang out for a little bit more?
Can you play Peek-a-boo? (GASPS)
Peek-a-boo!
(ALL CHUCKLING)
Ooh.
Peek-a-boo!
(SOBBING)
Peek-a-boo!
You'll always be really nice to us, won't you?
You'll always be our best friend, right?
We'll always have things to talk about, right?
Mmm-hmm.
(BOTH CRYING)
Hey! Hey, sweetie!
I'm not sad.
MAC: No, I'm fine.
I love you, sweetie.
Love you.
How do you feel? Good? (PETE INHALES DEEPLY)
Yeah.
The nerves are kicking in a little bit.
Well, you look great. Thanks! (SIGHING)
You all right? You seem really nervous.
I'm having a little bit of a meltdown.
Just remember, man,
Darren loves you more than anyone in the entire world.
Darren cherishes his friendship with you.
Darren can't imagine his life without you.
And Darren is proud to call you his best friend.
You're not talking about Darren, are you?
No, not really.
Let's get you married though, huh?
All right, everybody. Look alive, look alive!
We have Groom One and he is ready to walk along with his best man.
You ready for us?
I'm proud of you, man. You found your niche.
This just seemed like a logical conclusion.
Gay wedding planning.
It's a great job, and you can do it with a criminal record.
My only skill is planning parties.
And, for some reason, gay guys specifically, they just respond to me.
It's because you're a great guy.
Thanks, man.
And they probably wanna fuck the shit out of you.
Hey, I didn't say it.
You did. (BOTH CHUCKLING)
Delta Psi.
Let's get you married, okay?
Yes. Let's do it.
And we are walking.
MAC: Hey, guys, we're home with baby Mildred!
Welcome home! How's it going?
How was the birth?
It's over now. Yes.
Did you shit on the table?
No. Me neither.
(EXCLAIMING) Pro.
(WHISPERING) So much shit.
Aw. You got a present for your new little sister?
Baby's first dildo.
MAC: Thank you, Stella.
Oh, my God. You guys are just like us.
JIMMY: Go on, show them.
This is Jimmy Jr.'s favorite.
We kind of have a "no veins rule" with our vibrators.
Maybe get one without a ball sack attached to it.
Put that away. Put it away.
Are you ready to meet your cousin, Jimmy Jr.?
Look at her.
JIMMY: Look at this. Families are meeting.
Look at that. Oh, my God.
MAC: (CARTOONISH VOICE) "Hi, Jimmy Jr. I'm Mildred."
Cute.
JIMMY: (CARTOONISH VOICE) "Hi, Mildred. One day, we are going to fuck!"
MAC: (CARTOONISH VOICE) "No, that's never going to happen
"because my parents are gonna teach me to respect myself
"and stay away from guys like you."
I could do this all day. I could, too.
We're gonna go. We're gonna get out of your hair.
Thank you for watching Stella. Thank you, guys.
Oh, my God. Anytime.
Bye. She's beautiful.
Thanks, you guys. Thanks, guys.
JIMMY: Bye. (SIGHS)
We did it. We did it.
We had another kid. We got another one.
I love you. I love you.
Stella, you wanna kiss your sister? Hey.