- (SPOOKY MUSIC PLAYS) - (ECHOING LAUGHTER)
(ECHOING LAUGHTER CONTINUES, SPEEDS UP)
(THE DICKIES: "KILLER KLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE")
# Killer klowns
# P.T. Barnum said it so long ago
# There's one born every minute
# That you know
# Some make us laugh
# Some make us cry
# These clowns only gonna make you die
# Everybody's runnin' when the circus comes into the towns
# Everybody's gunnin' for the likes of the killer klowns
# Chuckle!
# The ringmaster shouts "Let the show begin"
# Send in the clowns, then they'll let you in
# See the rubber nose
# On the painted face
# Bringing genocide to the human race
# It's time to take a ride
# On the nightmare merry-go-round
# You'll be dead on arrival
# From the likes of the killer klowns
# From outer space
# There's cotton candy in their hands... #
Little son of a bitch.
(SIGHS) Cops.
OFFICER: This is Mooney calling in.
MAN OVER RADIO: 'Read you. What's doing, Curt?'
Nothing yet, Dave,
but Friday night's just starting.
I'm heading across town to the park. Check in with you later.
MAN ON RADIO: 'That was a hot tune from The Doorman,
'but now we're going to slow it down a little bit
'for all you make-out artists at the Top of the World.'
(SOFT MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO)
MAN: Give me a cold one.
MAN 2: All right.
MAN OVER LOUDSPEAKER: 'I'm Jojo the ice cream clown
'with the bestest ice cream in town.
'We'll give you the stick, you give it a lick,
'and it'll tickle you all the way down.
'Ice cream, ice cream.
'We brought our goodies here to you,
'a tasty treat for while you screw.
'Let's take a break.
'Cool off those hot lips with our tasty frozen fruity bars,
'icy wicys, fudgy wudgy bars,
'and everyone's favorite frozen delight, the lick-a-stick.'
Jeez, what the...
MAN: Get out of here, you morons!
MAN 2: Hey, take your ice cream and get lost.
'Oh, yeah?'
WOMAN: Quiet down. You got the speaker on.
WOMAN 2: Beat it, you jerk.
'So, you don't want any ice cream?
'Well, you're not getting any.'
MAN: We were getting it before you showed up.
(LAUGHING) Those guys, man... What the hell are they doing here?
Great idea, Paul. Everybody loves ice cream.
What do you mean? It was your idea.
Hey, why don't we just park here for a while?
Hey, what are you guys trying to pull here?
Well, we thought we'd park here for a while.
You said we could have all the ice cream we wanted,
but you didn't say anything about parking.
What kind of girls do you think we are?
I told you they weren't that stupid.
We want you to take us home right now.
- Yeah. - Take it easy. Keep your shirt on.
Don't worry. We intend to.
("POP GOES THE WEASEL" PLAYS FROM TRUCK)
MAN OVER LOUDSPEAKER: 'Well, this worked out just great.'
PAUL: 'Don't blame me. I didn't want to come here.
'Hey, why don't we try the drive-in?'
MAN: 'Oh, that's dumb.
'Hey, wait a minute. What's playing?'
(LAUGHS) Knuckleheads.
You know those guys?
Those guys are my best friends from school.
I tell you, whenever I want to have a good time, I call Rich and Paul.
A night out with those guys...
is a total adventure.
(CHUCKLES)
What am I talking about the Terenzi brothers for,
when I would much rather be kissing you?
Oh...
WOMAN: This is great.
MAN: Yeah.
(FAINT WHIRRING, GROWING LOUDER)
(LOUD WHIRRING)
Wow, check that out!
- Did you see that? - Yeah, I saw that.
That was incredible.
(WHIRRING OVERHEAD)
Well, I'll be hornswoggled.
Did you see that little old sky guppy zip down in there, Pooh?
It's Halley's Comet,
and he's landed in our backyard.
There's gonna be thousands of people.
Thousands of people are coming.
They're gonna have hot dogs.
Gonna have helicopters and airplanes
and tacos.
It's...
This is our lucky day. We gonna be rich, Pooh.
We gonna be rich.
Come on, let's go check it out.
Oh, come on. No way.
Debbie, it's a waste of time. It's got to be 1,000 miles away.
We'd ruin our whole evening.
Don't give me that. You saw how close it was.
It landed right over the hill. Now, that is not 1,000 miles away.
Come on. You can find it, Mr. Adventure.
Debbie, don't you want to finish our champagne?
Take it with us.
Come on.
Okay.
MAN: Heel.
Come on, come on.
Attention, dog. Come on.
Well...
I'll be greased and fried.
What in blue blazes is the circus doing up in these parts?
I love the circus.
Come on, maybe we can get us some free passes.
Come on, Pooh.
I never seen one that looked like this one before.
Well...
I don't know, Pooh.
You know, there's something kind of peculiar around here.
Where is everybody?
There ain't nobody around.
Where's the dang ticket booth?
How are we supposed to get in and see the show?
(POOH WHIMPERS)
Pooh?
Pooh Bear?
Where is that dog?
Pooh! (GASPS)
Something funny's happening around here.
What in tarnation's going on here?
Oh! (MOANS)
Where's my dog?
(YELLING) Where's my Pooh Bear?
I'll tear this thing apart with my bare hands!
- (FIZZLING) - (SCREAMING)
Oh, ha-ha! Ow! (GASPS)
This thing is wired.
(SOBBING)
(ROARS, LAUGHS)
(SCREAMING)
MOONEY: All right, get in there!
What's going on, Curt?
Same old shit.
I caught them boozing it up in the park.
We're just walking through the park on the way to the dorm.
We had a bottle of wine.
Yeah. It's a beautiful night.
We were walking around. We didn't do nothing.
You guys go to the college, right?
Yeah. Yeah, right.
So why don't you just stay there and do your drinking on campus?
Why do you have to come into town?
Well, I mean, we live in this town, too.
I mean, we don't have to just stay on campus.
Yeah...
and it's scum like you that are killing this town.
Come on, Curt! Curt!
Come on, come on, Curt. Now, just take it easy.
What's the matter, Dave?
You got a thing for these little boys? Empty your pockets!
We just had a little wine. What's the problem?
You're the problem, you little shit!
Just lighten up, Mooney. Just lighten up.
Back off, Dave.
Open container, public intoxication,
littering, disturbing the peace, resisting arrest...
These kids are history.
Unless you want to rewrite the laws, Mr. Police Academy.
Look. You got this problem with my training, I don't care,
but when you bring someone into the station,
I don't want to see you beating them up.
Now, if you're going to book them, do it according to procedure,
or I swear, Curt, you and that badge of yours will be history.
I'll tell you what's going to be history, Dave.
These kids.
Now, get in there.
Get in there!
Shit.
Yeah, it looks like we're going to have to walk from here.
- (GRUNTS) - (LAUGHS)
Let's see.
If instinct serve Chief correct...
- Uh-huh. - Path lie...
that way.
We must travel many moons...
many, many moons.
Many...
many...
(LAUGHS) Enough already with the moons.
Lead the way, Chief Running-at-the-mouth.
Holy shit.
That was no shooting star. Looks like a...
Circus tent.
What's a circus tent doing all the way out here?
It's a pretty lousy location for a show.
Something's wrong. This doesn't feel right.
Weren't we looking for the shooting star?
Come on, this looks neat. Let's check this out.
No, let's go. I've seen enough.
Oh, come on, Deb.
I want to take a closer look. You can stay here.
Alone?
Well, would you be more scared if you came with me
or if I left you here?
If you left me here.
Let's go.
Come on. (LAUGHS) Come on.
Okay, okay. I'm coming.
Come on, let's check this out.
No. Mike.
Mike, we... we better not.
Deb, you are going to love this. Don't be a baby.
(LAUGHS) This is bizarre.
What kind of circus is this?
This is that new wave European circus fantastique.
Hurry, hurry. Step right up.
See the circus bizarro.
Come one, come all. Step right up, little lady.
Don't be shy. Don't be stupid.
Come see the incredible Miss 50-50, half man, half woman...
the perfect double date.
- (LAUGHS) - (LAUGHING) Oh, yeah.
That's right, little lady. Step right up here
and see Gumbo, the toothless elephant.
Or right over here, we've got Belinda, the bulimic wonder.
Watch her binge and purge before your very eyes. Ha!
Mike, keep it down. Somebody will catch us.
God, is this place great or what?
I mean, it looks like it was decorated by Clowns "R" Us.
I don't know.
So, how much further you want to go?
Let's just go down to the end of this hall where those doors are.
Come on.
(CLOWN HORN SOUNDS)
- (MACHINERY WHIRRING) - (BOTH YELL)
This is no funhouse.
No circus, either.
- (FIZZLING) - (DEBBIE SCREAMS)
What?
I can't believe it.
What is it, a nuclear power plant?
No.
A missile silo?
No.
A military base?
No! No!
- The shooting star! - What are you talking about?
The shooting star we went to go look for... we are in it.
What was that?
- I don't know... - (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
...but it's coming this way.
Here. Come on.
(LIQUID BUBBLING)
Look at this place.
It smells like candy.
You know, I don't know what we saw out there before, but...
this looks like a cotton candy factory to me.
Yeah.
This must be where they hang it up to dry
before they ship the stuff out.
No, it's not.
I've never seen anything like this before, have you?
No.
Well, that's because nobody has.
I don't believe in UFOs, but if they do exist,
then we're trapped in one right now.
Will you just calm down?
There's got to be a logical explanation for this.
This isn't what you think it is.
Nobody stores cotton candy like this.
What are you talking about? Of course it is.
(LAUGHS) Look.
(SCREAMS, GASPS)
(WHIRRING)
Joe Lombardo.
Down this way.
(GRUNTS)
(BOTH YELL)
- Are you okay? - I think so.
Come on.
Popcorn. Why popcorn?
Because they're clowns, that's why.
(SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE)
(PANTING)
(SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE)
(BARKING)
(SCREAMS)
(DOG BARKING)
(GRUNTING, SCREAMING)
Mike, get me out of here!
(BARKING, PANTING)
(HOWLING)
DEBBIE: Hurry, they're coming!
- (ENGINE REVVING) - (BARKING)
(GRUNTING)
(TIRES SQUEALING)
- (YELLING) - (SCREAMING)
- (SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE) - (SCREAMING)
DEBBIE: We have to tell the police.
We're going to run to the police and tell them there's a bunch of clowns
running around the hills, killing people with cotton candy?
I have a friend there.
I know he'll believe us.
I don't know, Debbie. I wouldn't even believe us.
(SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE)
(TIRES SQUEALING)
What the heck?
(HORN HONKING)
Dave! Oh, my God! Something horrible has happened! Somebody's been killed!
Wait a second, Debbie. What happened?
You gotta help us! There are two people dead!
- Who, Debbie? Who's dead? - Joe Lombardo. He's dead.
And some old man, too.
Wait a second, guys. Are you sure about this?
Yes! It... they were hanging there
wrapped up in these cotton candy things...
these... cocoons.
- Cocoons? - Yes, cocoons.
You know, cocoons.
All right, everybody calm down.
Look, Debbie, come inside and explain this to me.
I'd like to help you, but before I can,
I've got to understand what's going on here myself.
WOMAN: I really need to get some mascara, okay?
Okay, why don't we just go to the drugstore?
Okay. And then we'll go on.
Look.
Cute.
(SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE)
All right, sit down.
Let's start from the beginning, all right?
Okay, okay.
We were up at the Top of the World,
and we saw this shooting star, and we decided to go look for it.
But instead of finding the shooting star, we saw this... this circus tent.
And that's when we went inside, and we saw all those people
in those... those pink cotton candy cocoons.
Dave, it was not a circus tent. It was something else.
- What? What? - MIKE: It was a spaceship.
And there was these things, these... killer clowns,
and they shot popcorn at us.
We barely got away.
(WHISTLES)
Killer clowns from outer space?
Holy shit.
Dave, we are telling you the truth. You've got to believe us.
Let me tell you something, honey.
I was just over there. There's nothing going on.
Excuse me, please, but we're talking to Dave.
Now, just hold on a second, Mooney. They say some people are dead.
- Let's hear them out. - All right, Dave. Okay.
Clowns, cotton candy, flying popcorn.
Go ahead. Let them make fools out of the police department.
I told you, I was just over there! You going to believe this little tramp?
Come on, Mooney!
I'm handling this, all right?
All right, all right, Debbie, who's your friend?
DEBBIE: Mike. We go to school together.
You two were up at Top of the World together?
Yeah.
I know you, you little fart.
You hang out with the Terenzi brothers.
Clowns? I get it.
Another one of their stupid stunts to sell ice cream
from that goddamn truck those hoodlums run around in.
Well, now I really believe this.
Well, you better go now, Dave,
before the clowns take over, huh?
And when you get back from saving the world,
I want a full written report
so I can give it to the chief when he gets back on Monday.
(LAUGHING)
Look, everything happened just the way we said.
We are telling you the truth.
All right, all right.
You two come with me.
- (MOONEY CHUCKLES) - Come on.
Hurry up, Dave. Don't let them get away.
Go ahead, Dave...
...make a dummy out of yourself.
But you're not going to make a dummy out of me.
You, in the back.
(SQUEAKING)
(MAN CHUCKLES)
(LAUGHING)
Uh... Oh... Um...
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
Whoa! Oh...
(SCREAMING)
(CACKLING)
(STAMMERING)
Excuse me.
Oh. Oh, my.
May I help you?
Oh, no!
(GRUMBLES)
Oh, no.
DAVE: All right, we're going up there to check this out.
First, I'm taking you home, Debbie.
No way. I'm going back up there with you.
You can't tell me what to do.
Debbie, just listen to me, would you?
I don't have to listen to you.
You are not my boyfriend anymore, all right?
Yeah, that's right. I'm not your boyfriend anymore.
That doesn't change the way I feel about you, though.
Dave, please.
Don't do this to me.
All right, Debbie, you got a choice.
Either go home, or I'm going to take you
back to the station and lock you up for safekeeping. How's that?
(SIGHS)
(DOORBELL RINGS)
ALIEN VOICE: Pizza!
Oh. Pizza.
Uh-huh. (CHUCKLES)
- (YELLING) - (WHIMPERS)
(CLOWN CACKLING)
(DOORBELL RINGS)
- (ALIEN VOICE) For you. - Oh! For me?
Oh!
Oh, Jim... is this from you?
- Huh? - WOMAN: Oh!
(GRUNTS)
Look, Debbie...
May I please speak to Mike outside?
Fine. Sure.
Thank you.
Your old boyfriend? This is great.
Will you come here?
He's probably going to take me up on top of the hill and shoot me.
Look, don't worry about Dave.
It's those clowns you got to worry about.
Listen, as soon as you guys leave here, I'm going to follow you guys up there.
You're going to follow us up there?
Debbie, I don't even want to go up there.
Listen, you stay inside the house and keep the door locked.
I'll be back here in a little bit to check on you.
Okay?
You better.
That's good timing.
Oh!
(GRUNTING)
Oh!
(GASPING, SNEEZES)
Wait a minute.
Where is it?
Yeah, that's what I'd like to know, pal.
It was right there where that hole is.
So are you saying that hole is where the tent was?
The tent made that hole... is that what you're telling me?
Yes! It was there.
Look, we saw it. That's a fact.
I'll tell you what the facts are, mister.
You said people are being killed. Now, where are the bodies?
I don't know. I saw Joe Lombardo dead.
I can only tell you what I think I saw.
Oh, so now you just think you saw?
No! I know what I saw.
I just can't prove it. My proof is gone.
Yeah, right. Turn around, pal.
Mooney was right, huh?
Got nothing better to do but cause problems.
Well, you're not going to get away with it this time.
Get away with what? Debbie saw it, too.
- Yeah, she did, didn't she? - Ow!
Come on.
Hey, Eddie, is that a new bike you got?
WOMAN: What's happening, Spike?
(SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE)
(LAUGHING)
Oh! (LAUGHS)
Big bad Jojo comin' into town.
Watch this, baby.
Is that bike too big for you?
Hey, Patty!
Mean bike you got there.
ALL: Yeah.
- Can I take a ride, pal? - Uh-uh!
(CROWD LAUGHING)
Can I beep the horn?
Mm-hm.
Oh, thank you! (LAUGHS)
(LAUGHING)
He should've let the man ride his bike. (LAUGHING)
(HORN HONKS)
I'm sorry. I seem to have broken your bike.
(SOBBING)
Where'd he go?
Put up your dukes, put up your dukes!
(CROWD LAUGHING, SHOUTING)
- (LAUGHING) - (SPEAKING ALIEN LANGUAGE)
What are you going to do, knock my block off?
(SCREAMS)
Damn!
WOMAN: Hey, come on, let's get out of here!
MAN: Come on, guys!
WOMAN 2: Get me out of here!
(DISTORTED LAUGHTER)
(GROWLING)
Here's some more ketchup for your French fries.
Now, here's some more ketchup.
I want you to sit still and eat your hamburger.
You know, this isn't as much fun as it used to be.
(LAUGHS) It is if you're the winners.
Back here, young lady.
You're not going anywhere until you finish your food.
(GROWLING)
What's going on?
All right, get out.
Turn around.
What are you doing, man?
You're not going to hit me, are you?
Just turn around, pal, all right?
Look, I'm sorry about Debbie, but I...
Just drop it, Mike!
Check this out.
That's the stuff.
That's the stuff that I was telling you about
that was all wrapped around Joe Lombardo.
Where'd you get that?
Over in that Jeep over there.
- That's McReed's Jeep. - Who's McReed?
Bob McReed. He was up here tonight with me and Debbie.
Those are his glasses. They got him. He's dead.
(CHUCKLING)
(PHONE RINGS)
Crescent Cove police station. Mooney speaking.
WOMAN: 'I'd like to report a disturbance.'
Wait a minute. Calm down. I can't understand you.
- 'Clowns!' - What?
'They're at my front door! They're destroying property!'
Clowns, huh?
And now they're at your front door, huh?
'They're at my front door right now!'
Wait a minute. Who is this?
'Would you just get over here?'
Stupid kids and their pranks.
(SIGHS)
Rich little bastards.
I'd shoot them all.
Daddy sends them to fancy schools...
...so the police department can babysit the little pricks.
(PHONE RINGING)
Police station. Mooney speaking. Yeah.
(STAMMERS) Hello, Curt?
I think I have a bit of a problem here.
- (PHONE RINGS) - Oh... Just a minute.
Jesus, not you, too, Mr. Myers.
Police station. Mooney here. What?
MAN: 'They took my wife... the clowns...'
Oh. They took your wife away in a balloon?
Well, you don't need the police, pal. You need a psychiatrist!
- Mr. Myers? - (MUSIC PLAYING OVER PHONE)
- (SCREAMING OVER PHONE) - (LINE HANGS UP)
Do the Terenzi brothers have the whole town in on this?
Well, to hell with them all.
They wanna play games,
they're messing with the wrong guy.
- (CACKLING) - Huh?
Jesus! Oh, no!
Oh, no! Come on, Joe, get going!
- God! - (ROARING)
(TIRES SQUEALING)
(BOTH GRUNT)
(SCREAMING)
(DISTORTED LAUGHTER)
(SHOWER RUNNING)
(FAINT SQUEAKING)
(SQUEAKING)
(SCREAMING)
I'll call the state police up at Marlborough. They've got a lab.
Maybe somebody up there can tell us what this stuff is.
It's not cotton candy, that's for sure.
Yes. Finally. That's what I've been telling you.
Look, I'm sorry I was a little tough on you back there.
It's been a hard night.
Having Debbie involved just makes it a lot more difficult.
What can I say? I didn't know...
It's got nothing to do with you, really. It's me.
It's obvious she goes for laughs, not stability.
(CLOWN CHUCKLES)
- ALL: Oh! - (LAUGHING)
- Boo. - Oh...
- Oh, my God. - (LAUGHING)
(CHUCKLING)
(ELEPHANT TRUMPETS)
(CHUCKLES)
(EXCLAIMING)
(CIRCUS MUSIC PLAYS)
MIKE: You can just drop me off over here. I'll take the bus home.
DAVE: No way. Remember, you're the one who's seen these things.
Look! A clown! Right there!
MIKE: There he is. I told you. Will you get out there and shoot him?
- Get him, Dave. Kill him. - Hang on, Mike.
Calm down. Let me check this out.
(LAUGHING)
(ALL GASPING)
- Holy shit! - I don't believe it.
- Dave, run it down! - Mike, let go! Mike! Mike!
(CACKLING)
What are you doing? You could've gotten us killed!
I'm sorry. I freaked out a little bit.
Where is he?
(PANTING)
I don't know. I don't see him anywhere.
He's gone.
He went straight up.
I've seen enough.
One Baker five. Curt, do you read me? Over.
One Baker five. This is Mooney speaking.
I was a little worried about you.
I thought the big bad clowns got a hold of you. Over.
Mooney, I want you to listen to me and don't say anything.
I want you to call the state police and get help.
There are clowns, and they are killing people. Over.
Okay, let me get this straight.
You say there are clowns, and you've seen them.
Okay, Dave, that's it.
Screw you and your college flunkies.
I've had enough of this from you and from everyone else.
I know what you guys are trying to do:
break me down, drive me out of the force.
Well, it's going to take a hell of a lot more than a lame prank like this
to get Curtis Mooney to throw in his badge, so fuck you! Over.
Mooney, this is an emergency. Mooney!
He cut me off. That son of a bitch cut me off!
I got to get... I got to get back to the station.
I don't know what I'm going to say, but I got to get through to the state police.
(SCREAMING IN DISTANCE)
RICH: Paul, get the truck! PAUL: What about the girls?
RICH: Forget about the girls. They eat too much.
PAUL: They didn't pay for the ice cream!
RICH: So what? The truck's getting away!
Hey, those aren't killer clowns. Those are the Terenzi brothers.
Terenzi brothers?
Get back to the station. Radio for help.
I'll catch up with my friends, try to warn people.
Tell everyone to stay indoors and don't do anything stupid.
You, too.
- Oh, shit. - PAUL: You idiot!
RICH: Don't yell at me! You were driving!
Can't you just do one thing right?
This whole ice cream thing was your idea.
My idea? You said we'd get girls this way.
No, I didn't. You did.
- You did. - You did.
You did.
MIKE: Hey, Rich, Paul!
Oh, man, am I glad to see you guys.
Mike, how you doing? You want some ice cream?
No, no, man, listen.
Something horrible has happened. I need your help.
- What are you talking about? - What's wrong?
There's no time to explain.
There's clowns going around killing people.
BOTH: Ha!
Tonight, Debbie and I were up on the Top of the World,
and we followed this spaceship, and there were these...
there were these clowns carrying cotton candy cocoons
and they were shooting these... these popcorn guns.
And there's... there's a circus tent spaceship, right?
But it's not there anymore, but we were there.
We saw the whole thing.
And they say we're crazy. So?
Oh, come on, you guys. I'm not fooling around.
Mike, what do you want us to do? We have ice cream to sell tonight.
Paul, this is more important than selling ice cream.
There's clowns going around killing people. We're all in danger.
Well, we haven't sold that much ice cream tonight.
We haven't sold any.
Come on, guys, will you help me?
At least take me over to Debbie's house, okay?
I think she's in danger.
Does she have any roommates?
Yes. She's got two. She's got two beautiful roommates with big boobs.
Do they like ice cream?
They love it.
BOTH: What are we waiting for? (LAUGHING)
MIKE: Come on!
You guys, get out of the way.
(PHONES RINGING)
Frig youse all.
You ain't going to get the best of me.
(PHONES CONTINUE RINGING)
I made it through Korea. I can make it through this bullshit.
(DOOR OPENS)
(LAUGHING) Well...
Whoop dee goddamn dee do.
What do we have here?
Well, son, I think you made a big mistake.
You're in Mooney's territory now.
For me?
(GASPING)
I ought to shoot you right now,
you red-nosed freak.
So you want to play games, eh?
Turn around!
All right.
I'm supposed to read you your rights,
but you're in Mooney's jail...
...and you ain't got no rights.
All right, buster.
God.
Officer Mooney, come on, let us out of here.
Are we going to be here all night?
We get one phone call, don't we?
- Right. I'm going to call my... - Shut up!
Get your hands up.
(CHUCKLES)
Get in there.
(GRUNTS)
(GROWLING)
I don't know who you are,
but before this night's over,
you're going to be begging for mercy.
(GROWLING)
(BARS CLANG)
What are you in for?
(SQUEAKING)
(SIREN WAILING)
- Mooney! - (PHONE RINGING)
- Police department. Hello? - (INDISTINCT NOISES ON PHONE)
Mooney?
Mooney, you back here?
Oh, God.
Hey, Dave,
who was the lady I saw you with last night?
Don't worry, Dave.
All we want to do is kill you.
(GROWLING)
- (GUNSHOT) - (ROARING)
(MOANING)
MAN OVER RADIO: 'C.C.P.D., this is Marlborough State Police.'
'Dave, Curt, are you there? Over.'
Jack, Jack, we need your assistance.
The town's gone crazy. People are being killed. Over.
'What's all these reports about circus clowns?'
These clowns aren't people. They're some kind of creatures,
things from another planet.
Jack, they're killing people. Officer Mooney is dead.
I know. I saw it. He was killed by one of these things.
Could you send all available units immediately, please? Over.
(STATIC)
Come on, Jack!
(STATIC)
'Okay, calm down, buddy. Help is on the way.'
(SIGHS)
(WHISPERS) Debbie.
PAUL OVER LOUDSPEAKER: 'Calling all clowns, calling all clowns.
'This is Jojo.
'Are there any space clowns out there?' (LAUGHS)
MIKE: You guys, will you stop fooling around?
Look, Mike, come on.
Cocoons, popcorn guns, monster shadows.
- I mean, what do you think we are? - We're not as stupid as we look.
This isn't the first wild thing you've tried to put over on us.
Look, you remember Hidden Lake?
Come on, forget Hidden Lake. This has nothing to do with Hidden Lake.
We would have to be total morons to believe this clown invasion crap.
If there are killer clowns running around here,
then I'm Porky Pig.
Get the hell out of here.
(LAUGHTER)
(SNARLING)
Ah!
(SCREAMING)
Ah!
(SCREAMS)
(YELPS)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Debbie, it's Mike. Open up.
Mike?
- (SCREAMING) - (MIKE'S VOICE) Debbie, Debbie, Debbie.
- (DRILLING) - (SCREAMING)
(SCREAMING)
(WHIMPERING)
- (SCREAMING) - (CACKLING)
(MOANING, SCREAMING)
(DISTORTED LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHING)
("POP GOES THE WEASEL" PLAYING)
MIKE: Okay, see this white house right over here?
- Take a right... I mean a left right here. - PAUL: A left?
- MIKE: Right. - PAUL: Right.
No, left! Left!
MIKE: The house right up...
Holy shit. What is that?
Uh-oh.
Wow. Look at that.
Mike! (MOANING)
Come on, we can't lose them! They got Debbie!
Hey, Mike!
(SIREN WAILING)
Come on, Rich, we're losing them. Can you go a little bit faster?
Mike, what do you want? This is an ice cream truck.
Hey, Rich, the cops! Stop the truck!
- (TIRES SCREECH) - Ah!
- (GRUNTS) - Shit, Rich, now you did it.
I did it? What do you mean? You told me to stop.
- I told you to pull over. - You didn't. You said stop, so I stopped.
I meant pull over.
If you meant pull over, you should have said pull over.
PAUL: Why don't you say what you mean next time?
RICH: Come on, let's go see what happened.
MIKE: Dave, are you okay?
Oh, God.
Oh, fuck. What the hell are you guys doing?
They got Debbie.
Get in the truck, pal.
Gee, officer, I'm really sorry. I was feeling a little queasy.
Which way were they heading?
They went that way, but now we lost them.
I don't know where they went.
DAVE: I do. If you were a clown, where would you hide?
MIKE: The amusement park!
- RICH: Great! - PAUL: All right!
(GRUNTS)
The park's closed. I'll have to ask you to leave.
(GRUNTING)
What are you going to do with those pies, boys?
(SQUEAKING)
("POP GOES THE WEASEL" PLAYING)
DAVE: Hey, hey, hey!
Everybody stick together.
She's gone.
Wow. Hey, you guys, this is weird.
Look at this stuff.
Looks like a wad of melted ice cream.
DAVE: Yeah, well, it's not.
MIKE: Oh, shit.
Yeah.
Come on.
Mike, you take this and follow me.
All right, now, you guys,
no fooling around. Stick together, okay?
What the hell's in here?
Oh, scary!
MIKE: Dave, did you get through for help?
Yeah. Yeah, help is on the way.
You tell them it was an invasion?
I told them, but I don't really believe it myself.
Where did they come from?
Why are they here? Why, why clowns?
MIKE: They're not clowns.
They're some kind of animal from another world
that just look like clowns.
Shit, Dave.
Dave, maybe they're the ancient astronauts
that came to our planet centuries ago,
and our idea of clowns just comes from them.
Well, how come they're not funny?
Maybe they're from a dying planet.
Maybe their sun pooped out and they need a new place to live.
Maybe they're using us for experiments to dissect and study.
So that means they're intelligent.
DAVE: So why don't they communicate with us?
I mean, talk to us instead of killing us?
Maybe they're just cruising through the galaxy
and stopped here for a bite to eat.
Yeah. Look, everybody, let's just hold off on the talking, okay?
Let's not give ourselves away.
What are we gonna do when we find them?
- MIKE: Can we kill 'em? - DAVE: Yeah. You shoot 'em in the nose.
Hey, watch this.
(TONES PLAYING)
Cool.
- (LOUD HORN BLARING) - Whoo!
What happened?
- What did you do? - I didn't do anything.
Look, don't touch anything, okay? This place is probably booby-trapped.
All right, now, look, you guys, stay together.
I don't want to have to find you, too.
No problem. We can handle it.
Yeah.
All right, let's go.
Where'd they go? Come on, Rich, Paul.
Don't worry about the Terenzi brothers. They do this all the time.
Those guys are like cats. They always land on their feet.
(GROANING)
(LAUGHING)
- Oh! Ah! - Uh!
Are you Debbie's roommates?
Wait a second.
I recognize this place.
This is the tent that Debbie and I were in. Come on!
Go, Mike.
Okay, this is where we were before.
Oh, this is incredible.
Looks like they got the whole town.
We got to find her. What color balloon was she in?
Uh... Yellow.
All right.
Shh!
See anything, Mike?
No.
This is impossible, Mike.
(GROWL)
Sh. Quiet.
Move back.
(LOUD RUMBLING)
(GROWLING)
(SLURPING)
(BELCHES)
Paul was right, man. They are hungry. They're gonna eat everybody, man!
Just calm down. Just calm down, all right?
We got to find Debbie before it's too late.
All right.
Hey. Hey, that's the one. The yellow balloon.
Is she in there?
MIKE: Yeah, she's in there!
Debbie!
- She's alive. - Thank God.
- How do we get her out of here? - I don't know.
Careful, Mike.
Damn it!
Debbie. Honey.
- Hang on a sec, Mike. - Damn!
- What are you doin'? - Just stand back, Mike.
You can't shoot. You could kill her.
Well, just back off, all right?
Now, just get ready to run.
- Are you all right? - (DEBBIE COUGHING)
- Are you okay? - Oh, yeah. Yeah.
(GASPING) I couldn't breathe.
It's okay. Hey, Mike, hang on to her for a second.
Oh, God. We got to get the hell out of here.
Come on, Debbie. Come on, come on.
Oh, come on. Come on.
Wait a second, guys. We can't leave.
There might be other people still alive in these balloons.
Come on, it's too late!
- Dave! - (CLOWNS GROWLING)
Whoa, whoa.
(ROARING)
Shoot him!
- This way. Come on. - Yeah, come on.
- What now? - Everybody, down.
- We don't know what's down here. - Come on, Mike.
Nobody's gonna put me in a balloon again.
Come on, Mike. Get a move on!
- (GUNSHOT) - (SCREAMS)
How come you guys stopped here?
(ROARING)
Good reason.
- Okay, which way do we go? - That doesn't really matter.
- Let's go down here. - All right, come on.
(MANIACAL LAUGHTER)
- DAVE: Come on, let's try in here. - DEBBIE: No!
(MOANS)
- Whoo! - (LAUGHING)
DAVE: Come on.
- Be careful. - (DEBBIE SCREAMS)
(GROWLING)
- Come on. - (PANTING)
- DAVE: Shit! Another door! - DEBBIE: I can't take this anymore!
(GROWLING, GROANING)
Come on, open the door!
- Another door! - Come on, Mike!
- Another door? - (GROWLING)
- Another door? - Hurry!
- (GROWLING, LAUGHING) - (BALLOON DOG BARKING)
Debbie, come on!
- Dave, come on! - (BARKING)
Get the door, Mike!
- Come on. - Here, here.
Come on. Oh, God.
Thank God.
DEBBIE: Look at this place. Where do we go now?
Come on, let's go.
(DEBBIE SCREAMS)
(SQUEALING)
DEBBIE: Ah!
Everyone, up on top.
Come on, let's move!
Come on!
Hurry!
DEBBIE: Mike. Oh! Ah!
- (GROWLING) - (YELLING)
(DEBBIE MOANS)
- Ah! - (SCREAMS)
- Ah! - Uh!
("POP GOES THE WEASEL" PLAYS)
Hey, Rich, Paul!
PAUL OVER LOUDSPEAKER: 'Stop! Leave them alone!
'Do what I say or else! Uh...
'I...
'Give me the mike!
'I am the great and powerful Jojo!
'I command you to stop.
'Do not hurt them. Let them go.
'You will obey. Let them go.'
Now's our chance.
(RICH AND PAUL ARGUING)
MIKE: Rich! Paul!
Oh, man, am I glad to see you guys!
Come on, let's go! Get in the truck! Let's go.
Come on, Mike. Come on, Debbie.
- Come on, Rich! - I'm tryin'!
- Turn it the right way! - I am!
Rich! Come on, Rich!
PAUL: Pull the choke, pull the choke.
Dave.
What the hell is that?
(ROARING)
I don't want to play here anymore. Can we go home now?
Let's make a run for it.
Just get out of here. Everyone out of the truck! Come on!
We can't! It's rented!
(ROARING)
(YELLING)
- (YELLING) - (ROARING)
RICH, PAUL: Oh!
- Hey, Rich! Paul! - No, Mike, Mike! It's too late, bud.
(ROARING)
DAVE: Look, there's a way out now.
Mike, take Debbie. Get her out of here. I'll draw its attention.
- No! Dave, don't! We can all make it! - We can't, Debbie.
- Stop it! - Get her out of here, Mike!
- What are you doing? - Now, Mike!
Dave!
Come on, guys, move! Run for help!
Over here!
(ROARING)
(SPACESHIP HUMMING)
(GROWL)
Come on, you damn clown.
Come on, you!
- (ROARING) - (GRUNTING)
Come on! They're takin' off!
(SIRENS WAILING)
(GRUNTING)
(ROARING)
- (SCREECHING) - (GRUNTS)
(SCREAMS)
(COUGHING)
- Dave! Dave! - (LAUGHS) Dave!
- Oh! - You made it.
- Oh! - You got 'em, man.
Wow! What a ride!
That's the last time we let you drive.
- You're alive! - Yeah.
But I saw you guys get blown up in the ice cream truck.
Oh, that. We hid in the freezer with the ice cream.
Yeah. Anybody want a dip-sicle?
- Oh, you and your ice cream. - What?
How we gonna pay for the truck?
Don't blame me. It was your idea.
No, it wasn't. You're the one who said we could get girls this way.
No, you said we could.
If it wasn't for me, you'd be a dead French fry.
Oh, yeah, well, you'd be a dead Popsicle.
(LAUGHING)
Do... Do you think it's over?
Yeah, sure.
(GRUNTS)
(THE DICKIES: "KILLER KLOWNS FROM OUTER SPACE")
# P.T. Barnum said it so long ago
# There's one born every minute That you know
# Killer klowns
# Some make us laugh, some make us cry
# These klowns only gonna make you die
# Everybody's runnin'
# When the circus comes into the towns
# Everybody's gunnin' for the likes
# Of the killer klowns
# From outer space
# Killer klow-wow-wow-wow-ooh
# From outer space
# Chuckle
# The ringmaster shouts "Let the show begin"
# Send in the klowns, then they'll let you in
# Killer klowns
# See the rubber nose on the painted face
# Bringing genocide to the human race
# It's time to take a ride
# On the nightmare merry-go-round
# You'll be dead on arrival
# From the likes of the killer klowns
# From outer space
# Killer klow-wow-wow-wow-ooh
# From outer space
# There's cotton candy in their hands
# Says the polka-dotted man
# With a stalk of jacaranda
# They're all diabolical bozos
# Chuckle
# Oh, look around
# What do you see?
# Tell me what's become of humanity
# Killer klowns
# The California shores to New York Times Square
# Follow them, baby, everywhere
# If you've ever wondered why the population's goin' down
# Blame it on the plunder
# From the likes of the killer klowns
# From outer space
# Killer klow-wow-wow-wow-ooh
# From outer space
# Killer klowns #