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A seagull flew in and landed, gold shimmer on her wings.
Bird in me roaming freely.
This is love.
Then seagull flies away,
gone for every day.
This is love.
So, is she in love with a seagull?
But it's a metaphor, obviously.
Right.
Have you been in love before?
I don't know.
Just be honest.
Give us something real, bit of grit.
What...what part...? Right, I've got a bowl of soup in there forming a skin.
See you in a bit.
What did she say, then?
Come on, tell me.
She loved it.
Did she actually? Yeah.
Well, a little bending of the truth never hurt anyone, did it?
What?
Don't pull me like that, you dick. Well, get up, then!
Wasn't ready.
Right. This is what you've got to do. Don't hit her.
OK, so you've got your bare feet on the grass
and then you've got to just let the negative charges run down into the earth.
Trav? Yeah.
I'm not signing your petition. Why?
Because it's made up shit! It's not! Scientists have done studies.
We're making ourselves sick with these rubber soles, separating us from the earth!
I signed it, but you owe me because Mrs Blocker caught me with my phone out.
"Is that phone more interesting than me?" You know the face she does.
"Is that phone more interesting than me?" This is so good.
"Cos if it is, by all means, get out." One!
Have you seen it when she wears the drawstring bag? Oh, my God, yes.
It looks like, like, a fly on an elephant's back.
You're such a dick. Ew! It went out your nostrils and all.
You're a dick.
Oh, my God.
What's Poppy doing with Lorraine Chapman?
I'll tell you this for nothing, Poppy is a CUNT!
Shut up.
Right, Lorraine was in the newspaper, and now Poppy wants to be her friend.
Yeah. So, she's transparent.
Lorraine Chapman had sex with a frozen sausage.
I thought she was taking chemistry A-level two years early.
So? She could still fuck a sausage. You haven't heard the best bit.
Apparently, it snapped inside her. Oh! I know. Spare me.
How fucking long was the sausage?
Right, fuck this, this is boring now.
Right, bitches, take it. Oh, not again.
What's in this? Lyds, why do you have to take it that one step further?
Alprazolam is a form of benzodiazepine. What do you want, a fucking ingredients list?
Come on. OK.
See you on the other side.
Right then, boys. Yeah!
MUSIC: Hallelujah
# 13 days since you left me wondering what it all meant
# Was I just something for the moment?
# 21 questions weighing on my brain
# I wanna dance till I'm drunk on the feeling
# Dance like it's my... #
Oh, no. My God.
# ..my first time
# I wanna dance till I speed up the healing
# Get up, shake it till I find...
# Somebody like you. #
I just like it when it's just the three of us.
Yeah.
In the summer, my parents have got a house in Italy, we should go.
Imagine. That would be amazing.
Yeah, I could get a tan.
Oh, oh, there we go. There it goes.
I'm going to go. Will you get her home? OK, yeah. Please! Ta-ra.
Bye, love you. Bye, Lydia.
Lydia!
Drugs are for mugs.
Some crusty old dick said that.
But I'm inclined to agree.
STAIR CREAKS
Fuck's sake.
CAR HORN BLARING
LOUD MUSIC OUTSIDE
Dad?
Dad! What are you doing?
It's Mum! She is out in the road.
Leave the mad bitch out there.
Mum, come in the house. Come on.
Look at the neighbours.
Mum, you're freezing. Just come in and have a cup of tea. Come on, come on.
Mum. Mum!
Come on. You've got to go and see your uncle Dai. He knows all about it.
Please, will you just put this on?
Your father's brother Dai, he knows. He knows.
# How does it feel to treat me like you do?
# When you lay your hands upon me.... #
Hey! Shut up, will you!
Sorry, love.
Come down and join us, why don't you?
You're waking people up. You want to deliver my pies or what?
I can deliver your pies.
Not a bother. Twats!
Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum.
Please, Mum!
Please, Mum. Please, will you just come with me?
Why do you look so scared?
I'm the strongest woman in the world.
MUSIC: Blue Monday by New Order
# To say what I need to say
# But I'm quite sure that you'll tell me
# Just how I should feel today... #
OK.
I've got you really tight, all right?
Come on.
You're going to be fine, yeah?
Come on, come on. Right.
We're just going to sit in this room, all right?
OK, come on. Come on over here.
You can rest your legs, look.
There you go. Pull your nightie down. There you go.
Excuse me, sorry to bother you, erm, is there a doctor on duty?
My mum's not very well. I'll get the senior nurse.
Jack!
Hiya, love.
I'm Nurse Digby. Who's this?
Mum, is it?
Yeah, it's my mum.
She's been here before. She's got bipolar.
OK. You on your own?
What's your name?
Come and dance with me, baby.
Mum, hang on a minute. What's your name, love?
Trina Gwyndaf, queen of the fucking world.
OK. Crisis team, please.
Why don't you take a seat here?
OK.
Absolutely hanging. I feel like my brain...
Oh, fish breath, turn round, stop scribbling.
I've got something to tell you. What?
I'm in so much shit.
My mother phoned the school. Fuck.
Did she report us?
Oh, yeah, save your own skin.
Not like that. You know what I mean.
No, just me.
How does she even know?
She's been counting them, apparently. It's like, get a life, bitch.
You're telling me, I got up this morning to this.
Really some shit. Here, let me see, let me see.
I want to see you when I get back from work, Mum.
God. What's she going to do? Jesus, I knew something like this would happen.
Babe, don't worry, it'll be fine, OK?
Right, a bit of hush, please?
First things first, gentle reminder,
you need to have your poems in by 12 tomorrow.
I don't want to be in the anthology, Miss.
Well, that's good, Priest, because I highly doubt you will be.
Oh, my God...are you pregnant?
In your chair, Priest.
All right, don't shout.
It's compulsory that you all turn one in, so, no excuses.
If you tell me your dog ate it, you best bring the dog's stool sample to prove it.
Yeah, but Miss, if one of us wins, do we actually get paid?
Or is this just slave labour?
The poem gets printed in the anthology... Ooh!
..that's your payment. OK. Fame, and the respect of your peers.
Yeah, I'd rather the money, thanks.
Enough lip, Gwyndaf.
Jane Eyre, page 45.
BELL RINGS
Loser. Fuck off.
Yeah?
Why you dangling like the drip who never dropped?
Can I show you this?
I wrote something else after we spoke.
Thought you said it was slave labour?
Well, I'm a waiter now.
No jobs, no prospects.
In this green land of ours,
Mind your manners or your mam will mind your knackers.
Black soot smeared face, back broken with labour.
But still, he can't afford a pint, leccy off... No light.
Did you read it all? No.
Oh. Is it OK?
It's not about OK, Bethan.
What? I know I said grit, but I meant your grit.
Speak from your heart.
It's all I want.
That's art.
OK. DOOR CLOSES
Hurry up, what are you doing? Writing your diary? Uh, no.
I haven't done the biology homework.
I'm not waiting for you.
Fine, I'll be in now.
You run, I run, we all run.
Blind, deaf, dumb, the big dick...
The big dick of society blowing its...
PHONE RINGS
Hiya, Nan. Where's my girl?
I'm here.
Good. Well, I'm down the caravan.
I lost three games of bingo, and now I just had a tikka pasty
that tasted like arseholes, so that's £1.50 down the hoop.
And then... Nan. ..I turns my blower on
and sees you've been ringing my dinger off the hook.
You know me, Beth, I never looks at it... Nan!
What? Hang on...
What's the matter? She's back in.
Ohh...fucking toot my chute.
Well, what have they said? I don't know, yet.
I'm going down the hospital after school.
Bethan, I can't get back today. I've got no wheels.
Peg leg Roger brought me down on the moped.
Well, it's fine, it's not your fault, don't worry.
All right, love you loads.
Love you too. All right, stay strong.
See you tomorrow. Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Diabetes is approaching, creeping up on you today.
We're doing ropes, Marine style!
Oh, Bethan Gwyndaf.
Answer me this, yeah?
If you can't be bothered to get in here on time,
why should I, hmm?
No, really. Give me one good reason.
Cos you're the one getting paid.
All right, enough.
You lot of trophy for turning up,
waste of oxygen, rats in my sewer crawling around...
Do you know, if any of you lot had as much get up and go
as I've got in my little toe,
this country might have lower rates of heart disease, and yet here I still am,
helping you all out, you bunch of losers.
Stop it! Oh, I'm sorry.
Something funny, Travis Beams?
Cos heart disease is no joke, my boy.
No, erm, Miss, it's just...
Thought I saw a fly... SHE SNORTS
And what's funny about a fly, hmm?
HE EXHALES Exactly.
Check your smiles at the door, please.
Go.
Come on, knees up.
We're all slowly catching diabetes.
One, two, one, two.
Come on, you've got a grip like wet spaghetti, girl.
It's ripping my skin off.
Snowflakes, the lot of you! Come on!
Right, right, down you get. Hang on, I can't...
I'm going to fall... Now, who's next?
Oh, my God, babe? What?
Gutted! Look, Auntie Flo's in town.
Beth, your minge is leaking.
All right. Priest, stop it! You can go and get changed.
Miss, you've got to sort that. I'm not touching that rope. All right.
I ain't touching nothing. Oh, my God. Disgusting.
Are you OK? Disgusting. Urgh, I can smell it as well.
Shut up, Priest. Beth, man. That's embarrassing!
Oh, my God. She's got afternoon at school as well.
Beth, no-one's going to remember tomorrow.
Priest has been calling me Jam Rag Knickers all day.
What were you thinking? It's PE 101 - always a fresh tampon.
Yeah, thanks for making sure everyone noticed, by the way.
Babes, do you reckon Blocher has a vibrator?
Yeah, sure. I bet she's worn it down to a nub.
Don't to go home, my mother's going to bore my tits off with a drugs lecture.
What tits? What would you know about tits?
Can I come to yours?
Can't, Dad's tonight. Cool, thanks for nothing.
Beth, hook me up, just for an hour?
I wish, I've been summoned to my mother's study when I get in.
Fuck it!
Let's just run away.
You say that every day, babe.
We could just hitchhike, wherever, seriously, I don't care.
Yeah, we'll go to the place in Italy that Beth said.
Yeah, gladly! But for now my mother wants rosemary, dickhead.
Message you in a bit? I'll probably be dead. Love you!
Let's do it. I want a doughnut. Yes, I want a doughnut.
Make it two. Are you actually going to get a doughnut? Yes.
I need one... And don't want to feel guilty about it.
What is she doing? What are you doing?
Buying veg. What are you doing, prostituting yourself?
Whatever.
No school kids. What makes you think I'm a school kid?
Oh, regular Ken Dodd, is it?
And you want two.
Out! Sorry, please can I just get some rosemary for my mam?
I'll leave my bag.
Make it quick.
Thanks.
Bag!
Sorry, just a few other bits.
Lychees. Yeah, I know.
Oh, you know, do you? Why's your gob catching flies, then?
That's just my face.
My mother sent me a list, she wants rosemary and lychees.
You're a liar, like every other teen turd who comes in here trying to rob off me.
What are you calling me a teen turd for?
Want to taste this, turd breath?
Quit fingering my goods, or I'll be fingering you to the police?
Oh, yeah?
Why don't you go and finger yourself?
You rotten... Before I knock you out!
Suck on them, you stupid old bat.
She's right, though.
I've been telling lies since I was eight years old.
Gemma Jones came round my house and saw my dad had a wardrobe full of porno mags.
She laughed at me and then told everyone at primary school.
I said she was lying and it was her dad who had the pornos
and everyone believed me.
I did feel bad, though, because her dad is quite nice,
whereas my dad is the maddest bastard you will ever meet.
Oi!
Yeah?
Where's your mother?
Hospital.
I want to kill him.
HE RETCHES
Every morning, he coughs his snot in the sink,
and I want to stab him in the back, just take a knife and hack at him.
You shouldn't have done that.
She wasn't very well.
Get some chips.
BELL RINGS
Hiya, hiya, sorry. I'm here to see Trina Gwyndaf.
Would you like to put your stuff in the locker? Yeah, yeah.
All right, Mam? All right, love.
Thanks for coming in.
Of course. Come here.
You need to wash that, you've got egg on it, or something.
Yeah, I will.
Nana's going to come in tomorrow. She's been down the caravan. Hah.
That's nice. Yeah. Nice weather for it.
You been all right today? No, not really, Beth.
Sectioned now. That's it.
Yeah.
Locked ward.
Yeah.
What have you done to me?
I'm sorry, Mam.
I got you some pop, I did.
Stupid bitch!
See what you've done?
You've delivered me in the eye of the storm here.
There's cameras everywhere!
Watching me.
Everything gets reported back.
They're not even nurses. Yes, they are.
Some of them are, not all of them.
Been sucked in! APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS
Trina. What's the matter?
OK, come out, Bethan.
Don't touch my daughter! Beth! Behind me, now!
No-one's going to hurt her.
Put the chair down, Trina.
We're not going to hurt her... Touch my daughter and I'll kill you!
Will you come out? Step outside! Step outside!
SHE SCREAMS Sit! Help me, someone! OK. No!
Trina, you're in a safe place... SHE SCREAMS
We can help you, Trina. SHE SCREAMS
Don't... Don't hurt me. Don't hurt me... We won't.
Beth!
TV: Strengthening as we go through the night, gale force gusts...
There will be further heavy rain, it will move out of Scotland
and push into the north of England and Wales overnight tonight.
A little bit quieter in the south-east,
and not quite as cold, but we start off tomorrow morning with some of that rain around.
It could be a pretty dismal early morning rush-hour.
Now it'll still be windy in Scotland, but if you look at the finer detail...
Do you want a drop of pop, Mam?
I told you I had a baby girl who died?
She was prettier than you.
Breezy for all of us and eventually we'll start to see more cloud in the south-east.
Perhaps the rain arriving here a little bit later on.
Charlotte Church is the voice of an angel.
By 2007, she sold over 10 million records, worldwide.
Right.
That's amazing.
"THE ONE SHOW" THEME
Sorry, just got to send a message on here.
Well, hello and welcome to a brand-new week here on The One Show with Alex Jones...
And Matt Baker.
Now, if you were putting together your list of dream dinner
party guests, well, there are certain qualities
you'd want all of them to share, aren't there?
Yes, well, I would say they'd have to be funny.
Probably intelligent. Well-informed...
Charlotte Church's 2005 album, Tissues and Issues,
sold more than 300,000 copies.
Please welcome Joanna Lumley and Ian Hislop!
Where did he get the tux?
You happy with yourself?
Gas is off!
Guess what I did last night? I don't know, waxed your fanny?
Shut up. We saw Chicago last night. The musical?
Yeah, it's on in town. I want to come. Me too!
What? My mother brought me a brochure, I'll bring it in for you to have a look.
Apparently, right, in dance school, what they do is they sit
on your thighs so it tears all the muscle...
All right, dykey? Give them here.
All right? All right, Priest?
Trying to ignore me, are you? No.
Last time I saw you, I was licking you right up!
SHE LAUGHS Shut up!
Fucking hell, when did your tits get so big?
It's called puberty. When did your mouth get so big?
Oh, you're fucking cheeky, aren't you? Ooh! Ooh!
Hi, Beth. What? Oh, hiya!
Did you see Ms Morgan's e-mail?
Oh, no, not yet, I've been eating. I had a pasty.
Oh, my God, shut up. Have a look.
You've been selected for the anthology.
What? I have?
Yeah, I just read it. It's brilliant.
Seriously, you should be really proud.
My God, that's amazing! Well done, Beth!
Consmatulations, you fat bab.
HE LAUGHS
Bye, Priest. You're an ape. You're ugly!
Maybe come and sit with me in English?
Talk about "rate yourself", and Loz Chapman, she fucked a sausage.
THEY SNORT Here we go, Beth...
"Please join me in congratulating Bethan Gwyndaf who's been selected for..."
Blah, blah, blah, boring. All right.
"You are a bond, the glue that binds
"The knot that ties two warring sides
"Oil and water, these bricks and mortar, the wrong daughter."
What the fuck? What?
Morgan laps that shit up.
I've got her eating out of this.
She fucking loves it!
THEY LAUGH
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