0 00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:15,000 www.Fastbet99.club Agen Judi Online Aman dan Terpercaya 1 00:00:06,173 --> 00:00:08,175 [sea gulls cawing] 2 00:00:10,469 --> 00:00:14,515 [fog horn blows] 3 00:00:16,016 --> 00:00:18,101 Guys, I'm about to take a giant ship. 4 00:00:42,709 --> 00:00:44,336 Thank you so much! 5 00:00:45,420 --> 00:00:46,255 Thank you. 6 00:00:49,758 --> 00:00:51,176 Thank you so much... 7 00:00:52,177 --> 00:00:53,762 for being here. So... 8 00:00:54,513 --> 00:00:57,641 first up on the agenda is... 9 00:00:57,724 --> 00:00:58,767 I got engaged. 10 00:01:00,561 --> 00:01:02,062 Thank you. 11 00:01:02,688 --> 00:01:04,815 I appreciate that enthusiasm. 12 00:01:04,898 --> 00:01:08,193 I appreciate the applause because I live in Los Angeles 13 00:01:08,318 --> 00:01:12,197 and when you tell people in L.A. that you got engaged, they don't applaud. 14 00:01:13,448 --> 00:01:18,036 You tell people in L.A. you got engaged, they're, like, "Good for you. 15 00:01:19,121 --> 00:01:20,163 Good for..." 16 00:01:20,247 --> 00:01:21,248 [bleats] 17 00:01:23,250 --> 00:01:27,838 So you tell people you got engaged, next obligatory thing out of their mouth 18 00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:29,798 is, like, "How did you guys meet? 19 00:01:30,215 --> 00:01:31,216 [chomps] 20 00:01:32,467 --> 00:01:34,595 [grunts] 21 00:01:37,306 --> 00:01:38,432 How did you meet?" 22 00:01:38,515 --> 00:01:40,100 I don't like to tell people 23 00:01:40,225 --> 00:01:41,184 how we met. 24 00:01:41,268 --> 00:01:43,103 I don't like to tell people how we met. 25 00:01:43,186 --> 00:01:45,147 It's not bad. It's not embarrassing. 26 00:01:45,230 --> 00:01:46,815 It's just not cool. 27 00:01:47,858 --> 00:01:49,276 Like, we met on a dating app. 28 00:01:50,360 --> 00:01:52,446 Right, like all of you. Yeah. 29 00:01:54,948 --> 00:01:56,992 We met on a dating app, which is... 30 00:01:57,075 --> 00:02:02,247 less of a product of my lack of creativity and more a result of my generation. 31 00:02:02,331 --> 00:02:03,415 I'm a millennial. 32 00:02:03,498 --> 00:02:05,334 That's how we meet each other, okay? 33 00:02:06,501 --> 00:02:07,336 Yeah. 34 00:02:08,128 --> 00:02:09,504 A dating app, at a bar, 35 00:02:09,588 --> 00:02:13,300 or it's, like, "I got her pregnant. Well, Skylar will make a good mom." That's it. 36 00:02:15,719 --> 00:02:19,389 Some of you were so quiet when I said I was a millennial. Fuck you, okay? 37 00:02:23,018 --> 00:02:25,187 I am... 35. 38 00:02:29,149 --> 00:02:32,402 Which means I was born in 1983, 39 00:02:32,486 --> 00:02:33,862 which means I am... 40 00:02:33,945 --> 00:02:35,280 right at the cutoff. 41 00:02:36,573 --> 00:02:38,700 Okay, so I am a millennial, 42 00:02:38,784 --> 00:02:40,535 but I am an elder! 43 00:02:42,454 --> 00:02:44,748 Elder millennial! 44 00:02:45,791 --> 00:02:46,875 Wizened. 45 00:02:48,377 --> 00:02:49,336 Sage. 46 00:02:51,421 --> 00:02:54,675 Yes, gather 'round the Snapchat, children. 47 00:02:58,762 --> 00:03:00,639 I'll tell you the tale... 48 00:03:03,141 --> 00:03:04,893 of the landline. 49 00:03:06,895 --> 00:03:09,481 [mouths silently] Hello, goodbye. 50 00:03:12,442 --> 00:03:13,985 When I was a young girl... 51 00:03:15,195 --> 00:03:19,366 I once sent a text message from a Sidekick. 52 00:03:24,246 --> 00:03:27,040 I remember when Skechers were invented. 53 00:03:29,042 --> 00:03:30,419 They were ugly then. 54 00:03:32,003 --> 00:03:33,505 And they're ugly now. 55 00:03:35,841 --> 00:03:37,008 In high school... 56 00:03:37,551 --> 00:03:40,846 we danced to a band called Sugar Ray. 57 00:03:48,311 --> 00:03:49,730 How did you guys meet? 58 00:03:49,813 --> 00:03:52,315 You ask a girl, "How did you guys meet?" 59 00:03:52,399 --> 00:03:55,485 We want to tell you. We want to tell you... 60 00:03:56,236 --> 00:03:57,112 everything. 61 00:03:58,029 --> 00:04:00,615 We want to give you personal information, background story, 62 00:04:00,699 --> 00:04:03,160 ancillary information, anything information. 63 00:04:03,243 --> 00:04:04,703 Just say, "How did you meet?" 64 00:04:04,786 --> 00:04:06,913 Are you sitting down? Chapter One. In seventh grade, 65 00:04:06,997 --> 00:04:10,208 I showed an aptitude for the clarinet. We take it... back! 66 00:04:11,543 --> 00:04:13,086 We want you to know so much. 67 00:04:13,628 --> 00:04:15,922 You ask a guy, "How did you guys meet?" 68 00:04:16,006 --> 00:04:19,968 Men don't volunteer personal information as readily. 69 00:04:20,051 --> 00:04:22,929 Seldom will you meet a guy where you're, like, "How did you guys meet?" 70 00:04:23,013 --> 00:04:26,099 And he's, like, "So, I'm a Pisces, so I love faces." 71 00:04:28,268 --> 00:04:32,355 A man's objective is often to let you know not so much how they met, 72 00:04:32,647 --> 00:04:34,357 but to let you know that, like, 73 00:04:34,483 --> 00:04:36,568 "I could still fuck if I wanted to. 74 00:04:37,736 --> 00:04:39,154 'Cause I'm a fuck man. 75 00:04:39,237 --> 00:04:40,280 That's how I do. 76 00:04:40,989 --> 00:04:43,700 I'm not gonna fuck you, cause I'm fucking her, but... 77 00:04:44,367 --> 00:04:46,870 I come from a long line of fuck men, all right? 78 00:04:47,579 --> 00:04:50,415 My daddy was a fuck man, my granddaddy was a fuck man. 79 00:04:50,916 --> 00:04:52,542 I fuck. [imitates gun cocking] 80 00:04:52,626 --> 00:04:54,795 I pack up this dick, on to the next town. 81 00:04:56,838 --> 00:04:57,672 Yeah. 82 00:04:58,548 --> 00:04:59,633 [imitates launcher blasting] 83 00:05:00,592 --> 00:05:01,510 Fire in the hole. 84 00:05:03,261 --> 00:05:05,847 Fuck Man Terry, that's what they call me." 85 00:05:07,516 --> 00:05:09,768 Down at the Walgreens, whatever. 86 00:05:11,937 --> 00:05:13,063 How did you guys meet? 87 00:05:13,188 --> 00:05:16,942 I say this next part as a woman that champions other women, 88 00:05:17,025 --> 00:05:20,111 as a woman who chose to be single for a very long time. 89 00:05:20,237 --> 00:05:22,364 I always feel, when single women ask me, 90 00:05:22,447 --> 00:05:24,157 "So, how did you guys meet?" 91 00:05:24,491 --> 00:05:28,286 It's less about a genuine personal inquiry for me, 92 00:05:28,453 --> 00:05:31,039 and it's more like they're looking for clues, like, 93 00:05:31,122 --> 00:05:33,124 "Where did you find a suitor? 94 00:05:37,045 --> 00:05:38,630 Tell us your ways." 95 00:05:38,755 --> 00:05:40,131 Like, you walk in... 96 00:05:40,423 --> 00:05:42,801 to a Trader Joe's on a Sunday night. 97 00:05:42,926 --> 00:05:44,678 That's when hot girls go grocery shopping. 98 00:05:44,761 --> 00:05:46,596 Like, I'm buying flowers for me, right? 99 00:05:47,430 --> 00:05:50,642 You walk into a Trader Joe's with a ring on your left hand, 100 00:05:50,725 --> 00:05:53,812 single women can feel the vibrations of the ring. 101 00:05:53,895 --> 00:05:56,523 Like, "The ring! It mocks us!" And they... 102 00:05:57,816 --> 00:06:00,193 They come out of the frozen yogurt aisle... 103 00:06:01,069 --> 00:06:02,821 Lululemon, highlighted hair, like, 104 00:06:02,904 --> 00:06:06,783 "Tell us your ways, we wish to be betrothed as well. 105 00:06:08,201 --> 00:06:09,119 Secrets. 106 00:06:10,328 --> 00:06:12,330 Tell us. Be a girl's girl." 107 00:06:14,082 --> 00:06:16,293 There's no secret, just so we're clear. 108 00:06:16,376 --> 00:06:19,170 Don't buy the books. Don't buy the hype. Don't listen... 109 00:06:19,254 --> 00:06:20,839 There's no secret, okay? 110 00:06:20,922 --> 00:06:23,300 I'm going to be 35 when I get married. 111 00:06:23,383 --> 00:06:26,511 And if there was a secret, I would have fucking used it. 112 00:06:26,636 --> 00:06:28,680 There's no... secret. 113 00:06:29,431 --> 00:06:31,266 There's no special magic to it. 114 00:06:31,349 --> 00:06:34,102 I'm never going to be, like, "Gather round, ladies. 115 00:06:34,185 --> 00:06:36,771 Off the 405 lies a toadhole... 116 00:06:40,233 --> 00:06:41,735 You must go to it." 117 00:06:43,612 --> 00:06:46,907 No secret. Plus, chances are, if you are single 118 00:06:46,990 --> 00:06:49,409 and you are not enjoying that time in your life, 119 00:06:49,492 --> 00:06:53,747 you're probably doing everything in your power to not be single. 120 00:06:53,830 --> 00:06:56,666 I don't know a single girl out there that's, like, "I hate being single. 121 00:06:56,750 --> 00:06:59,669 I don't get it. I wash with ham and cat hair. Where is he? 122 00:07:00,754 --> 00:07:01,713 Where is he?" 123 00:07:08,428 --> 00:07:13,183 Women have no problem letting people know that they are looking for a relationship. 124 00:07:13,266 --> 00:07:14,768 We shout it from the mountaintops. 125 00:07:14,851 --> 00:07:15,894 We take a seminar. 126 00:07:15,977 --> 00:07:17,562 We take a class, we ask around. 127 00:07:17,646 --> 00:07:21,608 Are you single? Does your brother have a brother? Do you have a sister? 128 00:07:21,733 --> 00:07:23,318 I will take anything at this point. 129 00:07:24,527 --> 00:07:27,030 We let people know... We get license plates made 130 00:07:27,113 --> 00:07:29,616 like "LOOKIN4U." Like, we let you know. 131 00:07:30,909 --> 00:07:35,747 I feel like men are more laissez-faire when it comes to relationships. 132 00:07:35,830 --> 00:07:38,959 I guess I fell into her, now we got four kids. It's kind of... 133 00:07:40,043 --> 00:07:42,712 It's less deliberate. Women are, like, "This way." 134 00:07:42,796 --> 00:07:44,506 "I guess I'll just go that way." 135 00:07:44,589 --> 00:07:45,799 It just becomes. 136 00:07:48,343 --> 00:07:50,261 Their stories are less deliberate. 137 00:07:50,512 --> 00:07:53,014 I've asked a lot of guys, "How did you meet your girl?" 138 00:07:53,098 --> 00:07:56,393 I've noticed that about 80% of the stories sound very similar. 139 00:07:56,726 --> 00:07:59,771 80% of the time it's, like, "How did we meet? All right, well... 140 00:08:00,438 --> 00:08:01,856 I was out with my buddies. 141 00:08:02,941 --> 00:08:05,527 And you know me, I wasn't looking for anybody. 142 00:08:10,615 --> 00:08:11,992 And then I saw her." 143 00:08:12,826 --> 00:08:15,412 And that lie becomes... 144 00:08:17,622 --> 00:08:20,333 A big part of our narrative as women, 145 00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:24,629 this hope that we will go out and a man is going to see us, 146 00:08:24,713 --> 00:08:26,089 save us, rescue us. 147 00:08:26,172 --> 00:08:30,093 It's this hope that we're going to be seen and that's going to happen for us. 148 00:08:30,176 --> 00:08:34,014 And we all have this sort of shared fantasy where you walk into a... 149 00:08:34,097 --> 00:08:37,767 a club or a bar with five of your girlfriends who look exactly like you. 150 00:08:39,269 --> 00:08:42,522 And you walk in and a man picks you out of the crowd, 151 00:08:42,605 --> 00:08:46,067 sees you for the beautiful soul that you are, like, decides... 152 00:08:46,192 --> 00:08:49,195 like, there's some DJ up there and he looks out and he's, like... 153 00:08:49,779 --> 00:08:51,031 "Her." 154 00:08:52,157 --> 00:08:53,825 And you're, like, "Me?" 155 00:08:57,829 --> 00:08:59,789 And then your life begins, right? 156 00:09:00,832 --> 00:09:04,878 This is not our fault for expecting this or thinking this will happen. 157 00:09:04,961 --> 00:09:07,964 We have been taught this message since we were little girls. 158 00:09:08,048 --> 00:09:09,883 Princesses get saved. 159 00:09:09,966 --> 00:09:12,385 Snow White got saved by the prince. 160 00:09:12,469 --> 00:09:16,097 It was really the seven dwarves and she was, like, lost in a forest. 161 00:09:16,222 --> 00:09:17,140 But, like... 162 00:09:17,223 --> 00:09:18,058 seven men. 163 00:09:18,141 --> 00:09:19,893 Who is she? Right. 164 00:09:20,727 --> 00:09:24,022 Sleeping Beauty was saved when the prince kissed her while she was sleeping. 165 00:09:24,439 --> 00:09:25,482 Terrible moral. 166 00:09:29,861 --> 00:09:32,030 What do we take away from that? Generations of men, like, 167 00:09:32,113 --> 00:09:35,200 "No, you kiss 'em when they're sleeping, they're forever grateful. 168 00:09:37,827 --> 00:09:38,661 Officer." 169 00:09:45,418 --> 00:09:48,755 So naturally we go out hoping to be discovered. 170 00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:51,925 There's this weird thing where a lot of girls, when we're single, 171 00:09:52,050 --> 00:09:55,512 we don't want to admit that we're going out hoping a man notices us. 172 00:09:55,637 --> 00:09:58,473 Of course you are, but we don't want to seem desperate. 173 00:09:58,556 --> 00:10:01,935 I'm just going out with my girlfriends, in full makeup, with padded everything. 174 00:10:02,018 --> 00:10:03,895 This is just for fun. I'm just going out. 175 00:10:04,020 --> 00:10:08,525 It's normal to want to be noticed by someone that you find attractive. 176 00:10:08,608 --> 00:10:09,859 That's the caveat, okay? 177 00:10:09,943 --> 00:10:11,236 It's normal... 178 00:10:12,529 --> 00:10:16,699 to want attention. Even in a relationship, you still have a beating heart. 179 00:10:16,783 --> 00:10:19,410 You still want people to let you know you're attractive. 180 00:10:19,494 --> 00:10:22,956 If you're with your guy, you're holding his hand and you're walking, 181 00:10:23,039 --> 00:10:26,751 and you see some hot guy, like, "You like that?" He's like, "I like that." Okay. 182 00:10:29,295 --> 00:10:30,296 No harm, no foul. 183 00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:35,093 We all try this bullshit, like, 184 00:10:35,176 --> 00:10:39,097 "I'm not even trying." Really? Then put a feed bag over your head. Carry an onion. 185 00:10:39,222 --> 00:10:40,223 You're trying, okay? 186 00:10:41,015 --> 00:10:44,102 You don't have to try that hard, but you're going out. It's nice to be noticed. 187 00:10:44,185 --> 00:10:45,854 So we all do it. Put on the makeup. 188 00:10:45,937 --> 00:10:48,148 Force our chub into some pants. 189 00:10:48,273 --> 00:10:51,985 You shove your coyote paws into some heels and we go out. 190 00:10:53,611 --> 00:10:54,696 [imitates coyote call] 191 00:10:57,031 --> 00:10:57,991 You don't even hunt. 192 00:10:58,074 --> 00:11:01,411 What do you do, girls? You just stand in a pack of six other women. 193 00:11:02,036 --> 00:11:02,996 Six other coyotes. 194 00:11:10,336 --> 00:11:12,297 Getting annoyed that no guy's hitting on you? 195 00:11:12,380 --> 00:11:13,882 Yeah, there's six of you. 196 00:11:13,965 --> 00:11:14,799 He's terrified. 197 00:11:17,886 --> 00:11:21,055 We get annoyed so quickly when a guy doesn't notice all the effort. 198 00:11:21,139 --> 00:11:23,808 So what do you say? Like, "This sucks, let's take a lap." 199 00:11:23,892 --> 00:11:25,018 So you just move... 200 00:11:25,935 --> 00:11:28,646 in a perfume cloud around the perimeter of the bar. 201 00:11:29,564 --> 00:11:31,649 Maybe they're more progressive ten feet from here. 202 00:11:33,026 --> 00:11:34,819 So this begs the question, as women, 203 00:11:35,528 --> 00:11:36,362 as feminists... 204 00:11:36,446 --> 00:11:39,991 Maybe some... one or two lazy guys might pause at the question. 205 00:11:40,283 --> 00:11:42,410 "How come the guy's got to hit on the girl? 206 00:11:42,702 --> 00:11:43,953 You're an independent woman. 207 00:11:44,037 --> 00:11:45,663 Why can't a girl hit on a guy? 208 00:11:45,747 --> 00:11:47,624 Why can't the girl hit on the guy?" 209 00:11:47,916 --> 00:11:50,126 God's honest answer? 'Cause we did all this. 210 00:11:50,210 --> 00:11:52,795 You fucking do something, Scott. That's the answer. 211 00:11:52,879 --> 00:11:53,838 It's a lot. 212 00:11:55,298 --> 00:11:56,132 Okay. 213 00:12:00,845 --> 00:12:03,389 A lot. I haven't had bread in five months. 214 00:12:03,473 --> 00:12:04,599 It's a lot, okay? 215 00:12:05,808 --> 00:12:08,269 A big part of the reason women don't hit on men 216 00:12:08,353 --> 00:12:10,438 is that women aren't seen as equal to men. 217 00:12:10,521 --> 00:12:13,524 Therefore, when we step out of a traditional feminine role, 218 00:12:13,608 --> 00:12:17,195 and do something alpha and hit on a guy and he rejects us, 219 00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:19,405 it hurts that much more. 220 00:12:19,489 --> 00:12:21,866 And on a biological level, 221 00:12:21,950 --> 00:12:26,496 you know, at your core, he's not rejecting you based on your shoes or your outfit. 222 00:12:26,579 --> 00:12:27,747 He's rejecting... 223 00:12:27,830 --> 00:12:28,831 your eggs. 224 00:12:32,126 --> 00:12:36,756 You get up nerve to talk to a guy, like, "Excuse me, would you like my eggs?" 225 00:12:38,466 --> 00:12:39,801 "I don't want those fucking eggs." 226 00:12:39,884 --> 00:12:41,719 Please! I only have but a few. 227 00:12:45,098 --> 00:12:46,724 Women aren't seen as equal to men, 228 00:12:46,808 --> 00:12:48,601 so it's uncomfortable to hit on men. 229 00:12:48,685 --> 00:12:51,229 There's a lot more at risk for us. Maybe one day... 230 00:12:51,312 --> 00:12:54,440 in a utopia where men and women are considered equal, 231 00:12:54,524 --> 00:12:59,070 maybe one day we can hit on men unencumbered by self-esteem issues. 232 00:12:59,153 --> 00:13:02,115 But as it stands now, that's not something we can do. 233 00:13:02,198 --> 00:13:04,117 Our grandmothers didn't hit on men. 234 00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:06,786 Our mothers didn't hit on men. Maybe one day. 235 00:13:06,869 --> 00:13:09,956 Maybe my generation changes it. It's too late. But... 236 00:13:11,624 --> 00:13:14,585 maybe my generation, with the hashtags and the tweets, 237 00:13:14,669 --> 00:13:17,964 maybe we'll change it so that our great-granddaughters 238 00:13:18,047 --> 00:13:20,216 can hit on men. Yes, that's the dream, 239 00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:22,468 that we do the work now 240 00:13:22,552 --> 00:13:25,638 so that our great-granddaughters will know the thrill 241 00:13:25,722 --> 00:13:29,767 of hitting on a half-in-the-bag Guido outside a taco truck 242 00:13:29,851 --> 00:13:31,352 at 2 a.m. 243 00:13:34,522 --> 00:13:35,857 'Tis but a dream. 244 00:13:37,525 --> 00:13:41,112 Another big part of the reason that women don't hit on men is that 245 00:13:41,321 --> 00:13:43,656 men are better at dealing with rejection. 246 00:13:43,948 --> 00:13:45,116 Sexually. 247 00:13:45,199 --> 00:13:47,035 Women are not used to dealing... 248 00:13:47,118 --> 00:13:49,287 with rejection... when it comes to sex. 249 00:13:49,412 --> 00:13:52,707 We're used to dealing with rejection when it comes to... governing our own bodies, 250 00:13:52,832 --> 00:13:55,460 having our own thoughts, getting paid the same as a man, but... 251 00:13:56,169 --> 00:13:57,128 when it comes... 252 00:14:01,174 --> 00:14:02,675 When it comes to sexual rejection, 253 00:14:02,759 --> 00:14:07,013 men deal with it more than women because they have more at bats. 254 00:14:07,096 --> 00:14:08,473 They hit on women more. 255 00:14:08,556 --> 00:14:11,768 Ask the guy next to you, "When was the last time you were sexually rejected?" 256 00:14:11,851 --> 00:14:15,521 He'll be, like, "You mean in the Uber on the way here? At the box office? 257 00:14:16,439 --> 00:14:19,400 Like, behind that plane while you were in the bathroom? Be specific." 258 00:14:21,944 --> 00:14:23,279 'Cause every guy knows... 259 00:14:23,738 --> 00:14:25,281 it's about the at bats. 260 00:14:25,365 --> 00:14:27,450 It's about how many times can you hit on a girl. 261 00:14:27,533 --> 00:14:29,869 'Cause you know eventually one's going to say yes. 262 00:14:29,994 --> 00:14:33,581 When men first start going out, it's about quantity over quality, 263 00:14:33,664 --> 00:14:36,334 like, "Hey, sweetheart! You're ugly anyway. How about you?" 264 00:14:36,417 --> 00:14:37,710 You keep going through it. 265 00:14:38,211 --> 00:14:41,422 Every guy knows you got to kiss a lot of frogs if you're gonna what, guys? 266 00:14:41,506 --> 00:14:43,591 Fuck a frog, that's right. So... 267 00:14:45,510 --> 00:14:48,346 'Cause he knows. They're not going to admit it to you, every guy knows 268 00:14:48,429 --> 00:14:50,556 If he hits on, like, 20 women in a night, 269 00:14:50,640 --> 00:14:52,517 one's gotta say yes. 270 00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:54,644 Like, one gross-out's gotta be, like... 271 00:14:54,727 --> 00:14:56,521 [mutters] "Yeah, all right." 272 00:14:56,604 --> 00:15:00,233 2 a.m. It's his Hail Mary, at the buzzer pass, 273 00:15:00,316 --> 00:15:04,487 the lights are coming on, he's like, "How about you?" 274 00:15:04,570 --> 00:15:07,782 Some girl will turn around and be, like, "Okay. 275 00:15:08,699 --> 00:15:11,327 Can we wash my hump before we make love? 276 00:15:12,745 --> 00:15:14,664 Just kidding. It's an egg. 277 00:15:14,747 --> 00:15:15,623 So... 278 00:15:20,211 --> 00:15:23,047 By that same token, men aren't allowed 279 00:15:23,131 --> 00:15:25,550 to have feelings in our society, which isn't fair. 280 00:15:25,633 --> 00:15:28,719 You're expected to move past it, work through it. Get over it. 281 00:15:29,178 --> 00:15:31,097 Women don't get over... 282 00:15:31,848 --> 00:15:32,807 anything. 283 00:15:34,934 --> 00:15:36,519 No, we don't get over it. 284 00:15:36,602 --> 00:15:39,063 Instead, we hold onto it. 285 00:15:39,605 --> 00:15:41,941 We hold onto that rejection. 286 00:15:42,150 --> 00:15:43,025 We hold onto it. 287 00:15:43,109 --> 00:15:47,363 We pluck it out of space-time and we examine it from hindsight. 288 00:15:47,447 --> 00:15:48,948 We put it in different scenarios. 289 00:15:49,031 --> 00:15:51,617 We bring in experts, like, "Stacy, get over here! 290 00:15:54,245 --> 00:15:56,539 Remember that guy, took me to Coachella, never called again? 291 00:15:56,622 --> 00:15:57,748 Shall we drive to his house?" 292 00:16:00,585 --> 00:16:04,672 And sometimes... we hold onto the pain of our rejection 293 00:16:04,755 --> 00:16:06,257 so tight... 294 00:16:06,799 --> 00:16:08,217 that they become part... 295 00:16:08,759 --> 00:16:11,262 of the makeup of our personalities. 296 00:16:11,804 --> 00:16:15,892 And then we get to use the pain of that past rejection, ladies, 297 00:16:15,975 --> 00:16:22,482 as an excuse for why we are the weird brand of fucked-up that we are, now! 298 00:16:30,948 --> 00:16:32,783 'Cause he broke up with me over breakfast, 299 00:16:32,867 --> 00:16:36,412 so now I don't drink milk, and I'm annoying. Like, it's always... something. 300 00:16:37,955 --> 00:16:41,501 Every girl in here remembers almost every time she was rejected. 301 00:16:41,584 --> 00:16:43,836 For women, it doesn't happen as much as for men. 302 00:16:43,920 --> 00:16:47,924 And every human remembers the first time they were rejected. I'll go first. 303 00:16:48,007 --> 00:16:49,342 Fourth grade. So... 304 00:16:50,718 --> 00:16:53,471 We were going to sit down for circle time. 305 00:16:55,056 --> 00:16:57,892 I went and sat by a boy that I thought was cute. 306 00:16:57,975 --> 00:16:59,477 And he told me to go away. 307 00:17:00,853 --> 00:17:02,730 Now, he's dead. 308 00:17:05,316 --> 00:17:07,443 Now I don't sit in circles any more. 309 00:17:09,987 --> 00:17:11,739 But we cherish our rejections. 310 00:17:11,822 --> 00:17:13,908 They give us texture, personality. 311 00:17:13,991 --> 00:17:15,993 We take each one and we label it. 312 00:17:16,077 --> 00:17:19,830 We label each issue, each past grievance, in its own Mason jar. 313 00:17:19,914 --> 00:17:21,749 It's very rustic. Pin it. And we put it... 314 00:17:22,667 --> 00:17:26,128 into our sack of emotional baggage. Each one. 315 00:17:26,212 --> 00:17:28,631 He broke up with me because I slept with his brother. 316 00:17:28,714 --> 00:17:31,467 They're twins. They should have worn different color hats or something. 317 00:17:32,718 --> 00:17:34,345 I was set up. And we put it... 318 00:17:34,428 --> 00:17:37,640 into our baggage, and we throw that baggage over our shoulder 319 00:17:37,723 --> 00:17:39,392 and what do we do, girls? 320 00:17:39,475 --> 00:17:44,397 We then walk it into the new relationship. 321 00:17:44,814 --> 00:17:48,985 Yes. And the best part is, the new boyfriend... 322 00:17:50,027 --> 00:17:51,070 has no idea... 323 00:17:54,365 --> 00:17:56,242 what you're hauling. 324 00:17:56,325 --> 00:17:59,787 And he welcomes you. Yes, he welcomes you 325 00:17:59,870 --> 00:18:01,038 to the new union. 326 00:18:01,122 --> 00:18:04,417 Come on in. You seem pretty cool and well-adjusted. 327 00:18:04,500 --> 00:18:07,628 And you're, like, "Oh, I am! 328 00:18:10,131 --> 00:18:14,302 Yes, this seems like a safe place for me to... 329 00:18:14,844 --> 00:18:17,555 unpack my shit!" 330 00:18:26,522 --> 00:18:28,983 Another big reason women don't hit on men 331 00:18:29,066 --> 00:18:33,946 is because men... typically don't find strong women attractive. 332 00:18:34,655 --> 00:18:37,658 They don't. Your date's going to look at you, like, "No way, babe. 333 00:18:37,742 --> 00:18:40,745 I love a strong woman." Bullshit, Chad, okay? 334 00:18:42,705 --> 00:18:44,999 They love vulnerability. 335 00:18:45,082 --> 00:18:47,835 It's very attractive when a woman is vulnerable. 336 00:18:47,918 --> 00:18:48,794 Why is that? 337 00:18:48,878 --> 00:18:50,588 Men are very physical creatures. 338 00:18:50,671 --> 00:18:52,798 Women are very verbal. Men are very physical. 339 00:18:52,882 --> 00:18:55,926 When a woman is vulnerable, hypothetically, it would mean... 340 00:18:56,010 --> 00:18:57,720 that she needs physical help. 341 00:18:57,803 --> 00:19:00,473 When a man feels he can be of help, physically, 342 00:19:00,556 --> 00:19:03,726 then he feels needed, and that makes him feel good and attractive. 343 00:19:03,809 --> 00:19:06,771 When a man feels he can insert himself. No pun intended. 344 00:19:06,854 --> 00:19:10,066 Fuck it. We're making a comedy show. Pun intended, okay? 345 00:19:11,317 --> 00:19:13,194 You got to give him something to do. 346 00:19:13,277 --> 00:19:15,613 We, as women, a lot of times fault men 347 00:19:15,696 --> 00:19:17,823 for not communicating the way we do. 348 00:19:17,907 --> 00:19:20,242 Women speak more words on average than men. 349 00:19:20,326 --> 00:19:23,996 It's not that one's better or dumber than the other, it's the way we are. 350 00:19:24,080 --> 00:19:27,291 We talk at you. "I wanna be communicative about being communicative. 351 00:19:27,375 --> 00:19:30,294 You're not saying anything. Why? You're being uncommunicative. 352 00:19:30,378 --> 00:19:34,423 And I want to talk about how much I hate Stacy. When you meet her, you're gonna." 353 00:19:34,507 --> 00:19:35,466 We have to have... 354 00:19:35,966 --> 00:19:39,136 He's just sitting there, like, "Mongo, no." Like, it's scary. 355 00:19:41,806 --> 00:19:43,849 If you have any doubt a guy likes you, 356 00:19:43,933 --> 00:19:46,560 don't always look for the words, look for the actions. 357 00:19:46,644 --> 00:19:47,770 They will show you. 358 00:19:48,020 --> 00:19:50,564 I wish someone had told this to me when I was in my 20s. 359 00:19:50,648 --> 00:19:53,859 When you're younger, you're, like, "He's not texting back. He's busy. 360 00:19:53,943 --> 00:19:55,361 He's at work. His family died." 361 00:19:55,444 --> 00:19:56,946 There's no bullshit like that. 362 00:19:57,947 --> 00:19:59,990 When a guy likes you, he shows up. 363 00:20:00,449 --> 00:20:02,743 If you have any doubt the guy likes you, 364 00:20:02,827 --> 00:20:04,453 give him something to do. 365 00:20:04,537 --> 00:20:06,205 If a guy likes you, he'll do anything. 366 00:20:06,288 --> 00:20:08,541 Will you carry this glittery brick of cat shit? 367 00:20:08,624 --> 00:20:09,750 He's, like, "No problem." 368 00:20:15,798 --> 00:20:18,759 When a guy likes you, carrying your purse isn't an issue. 369 00:20:18,843 --> 00:20:20,553 They'll carry your bags if they're heavy. 370 00:20:20,636 --> 00:20:23,264 They'll put gas in the car if you don't want to deal. 371 00:20:23,347 --> 00:20:25,182 They'll check under the hood for the... 372 00:20:25,683 --> 00:20:26,726 thing, I don't know. 373 00:20:26,809 --> 00:20:27,852 But they'll do that. 374 00:20:30,146 --> 00:20:33,649 It's very attractive when a woman is vulnerable and needs help. 375 00:20:33,733 --> 00:20:35,985 And that's historically always been that way. 376 00:20:36,068 --> 00:20:38,362 I didn't make that up. That's why the term is... 377 00:20:38,446 --> 00:20:39,905 "damsel in distress". 378 00:20:39,989 --> 00:20:43,200 Not "overly opinionated dyke who needs a fucking hand, man!" 379 00:20:43,284 --> 00:20:44,118 That's why. 380 00:20:48,706 --> 00:20:52,168 If a woman can do it herself, it's not as attractive. Put it this way. 381 00:20:52,251 --> 00:20:53,878 If we're all animals, okay? 382 00:20:53,961 --> 00:20:55,254 And men are... 383 00:20:55,337 --> 00:20:56,213 lions. 384 00:20:56,297 --> 00:20:59,425 And women are, like, gazelles. 385 00:20:59,508 --> 00:21:02,636 What's a lion, if he's hungry, more likely to go after? 386 00:21:02,928 --> 00:21:05,181 The gazelle, running at 90, 387 00:21:05,264 --> 00:21:07,349 unencumbered by a self-esteem issue? 388 00:21:07,433 --> 00:21:09,769 Like, I own my home and have a Ph.D. 389 00:21:24,742 --> 00:21:27,703 I enjoy witty banter, I just put a down payment on a boat, 390 00:21:27,787 --> 00:21:30,080 and I don't hate my daddy. Onward! 391 00:21:35,669 --> 00:21:36,504 Or... 392 00:21:38,047 --> 00:21:40,216 remember he's hungry. Or... 393 00:21:40,549 --> 00:21:44,303 the gazelle with the broken hoof, like, "Help, how does basketball work?" 394 00:21:44,386 --> 00:21:45,221 Like, what? 395 00:21:49,683 --> 00:21:50,810 An easier meal. 396 00:21:54,688 --> 00:21:55,564 Side note. 397 00:21:55,648 --> 00:21:59,193 I am aware that it's the lioness not the lion that does the hunting. 398 00:21:59,276 --> 00:22:03,155 Let's pretend that lion was a bachelor and hadn't met his wife yet. Okay, so... 399 00:22:03,906 --> 00:22:05,908 We got the zoologist questions out of the way. 400 00:22:07,409 --> 00:22:08,285 So... 401 00:22:09,078 --> 00:22:10,371 I will stand up here, 402 00:22:10,454 --> 00:22:13,958 and perhaps women in your life you consider strong will stand before you 403 00:22:14,041 --> 00:22:17,169 and tell you, "Be strong, do it your way, be tough." 404 00:22:17,670 --> 00:22:20,464 It's one thing to say that, and for a lot of women 405 00:22:20,548 --> 00:22:22,424 it's very difficult to live that 406 00:22:22,508 --> 00:22:25,511 when everything that we're taught tells us the opposite. 407 00:22:25,594 --> 00:22:28,264 Every movie we've seen since we were little girls 408 00:22:28,347 --> 00:22:29,765 has an opposite message. 409 00:22:29,849 --> 00:22:32,184 In movies, it's not the strong girl, 410 00:22:32,309 --> 00:22:34,603 the funny girl, the brave girl, 411 00:22:34,687 --> 00:22:38,983 the smart girl, the loud girl, the opinionated girl who gets the hot guy. 412 00:22:39,066 --> 00:22:43,320 No, girls like me get, like, fucking Steve Zahn and Jonah Hill. Like, that's what... 413 00:22:44,572 --> 00:22:48,534 She is funny, he looks funny, then they'll fuck funny and appreciate each other. 414 00:22:48,617 --> 00:22:50,119 And it's always... 415 00:22:52,121 --> 00:22:53,747 it's always the quiet girl. 416 00:22:53,831 --> 00:22:56,125 Right, the new girl that gets, like, Channing Tatum. 417 00:22:56,208 --> 00:22:59,879 It's always the girl that doesn't realize how beautiful she is. 418 00:22:59,962 --> 00:23:02,506 The girl that isn't funny, isn't opinionated. 419 00:23:02,590 --> 00:23:06,010 The subtext of that message is, "That's right. That's right, girls. 420 00:23:06,093 --> 00:23:09,638 Men don't like a lippy woman, so zip it, honey." 421 00:23:11,307 --> 00:23:13,893 It's always the girl that doesn't know she's hot. 422 00:23:13,976 --> 00:23:16,937 Which, by the way, that Hollywood archetype? Bullshit. 423 00:23:17,021 --> 00:23:19,398 Okay? It's bullshit. 424 00:23:21,859 --> 00:23:23,944 Because you fucking know when you're hot. 425 00:23:25,112 --> 00:23:26,614 No one's walking around, like, 426 00:23:26,697 --> 00:23:29,408 "What do I do with these giant tits and thin legs?" 427 00:23:34,413 --> 00:23:38,417 How did I get on this Victoria's Secret catwalk? I'm choking on my silky hair." 428 00:23:38,500 --> 00:23:39,960 Like, you know. 429 00:23:43,505 --> 00:23:46,050 We keep seeing the same story over and over. 430 00:23:46,133 --> 00:23:48,636 It's about the girl that's unsure of herself, 431 00:23:48,719 --> 00:23:50,304 and a guy sees through it, 432 00:23:50,387 --> 00:23:53,515 and she realizes how beautiful she is when she takes off her glasses... 433 00:23:53,599 --> 00:23:54,975 it's the same thing. 434 00:23:55,601 --> 00:23:58,395 Always the girl, like, "I don't know if I should go out." 435 00:23:58,479 --> 00:24:01,148 The girls that are outgoing that maybe enjoy their bodies, 436 00:24:01,231 --> 00:24:02,942 are confident, like, "Let's go out!" 437 00:24:03,025 --> 00:24:06,779 "I don't know. I should stay home. I've never left the house before." 438 00:24:09,406 --> 00:24:11,742 We're taking you out. Let's go drink, let's go dance... 439 00:24:11,825 --> 00:24:13,619 I should stay in. Stay in and study. 440 00:24:13,702 --> 00:24:17,039 We're 35. What are you fucking talking about? Let's go! 441 00:24:20,709 --> 00:24:22,252 Walk into the nightclub, 442 00:24:22,336 --> 00:24:25,047 all the girls that are confident are dancing, they're having fun. 443 00:24:25,130 --> 00:24:29,051 Like, "Hey, Channing Tatum!" He's, like, "Later, hookers. I want her!" 444 00:24:29,677 --> 00:24:30,511 All the girls... 445 00:24:30,594 --> 00:24:32,262 "Uh-uh. Her." 446 00:24:32,346 --> 00:24:35,599 Cut to our hero, she's just sitting there in a corner, just... 447 00:24:35,683 --> 00:24:39,395 maybe she wore, like, board shorts to the club. She has no idea. 448 00:24:39,728 --> 00:24:41,313 She's reading a book. 449 00:24:42,272 --> 00:24:44,566 Maybe she has brown hair. Whatever. 450 00:24:48,070 --> 00:24:49,488 Before you get all offended at that, 451 00:24:49,571 --> 00:24:52,282 look at all of our eyebrows. We all have brown hair, okay. 452 00:24:54,076 --> 00:24:55,494 Maybe not you, I don't know. 453 00:24:56,787 --> 00:24:59,081 I don't see any pure Norwegians here, okay? 454 00:25:00,499 --> 00:25:04,920 This joke isn't about shaming that type of woman. 455 00:25:05,254 --> 00:25:07,047 This joke is not about that. 456 00:25:07,506 --> 00:25:09,049 Whatever kind of woman you are, 457 00:25:09,133 --> 00:25:11,677 quiet, fat, small, big or tall, 458 00:25:11,760 --> 00:25:13,721 loud, you don't know much, you got a gill, 459 00:25:13,804 --> 00:25:15,472 whatever kind of woman you are... 460 00:25:16,849 --> 00:25:18,267 you are right. 461 00:25:19,059 --> 00:25:19,893 That's it. 462 00:25:20,269 --> 00:25:22,271 Whatever you've chosen to be... 463 00:25:23,814 --> 00:25:25,190 whatever you want to be... 464 00:25:27,484 --> 00:25:30,612 you are correct in being that as long as you're happy. 465 00:25:30,696 --> 00:25:34,324 My point to you, is if you are the shy type, 466 00:25:34,408 --> 00:25:36,410 if you are the wallflower, 467 00:25:36,493 --> 00:25:38,328 if you are the shrinking violet, 468 00:25:38,537 --> 00:25:41,957 if you are another... floral metaphor that has to do... 469 00:25:42,875 --> 00:25:45,210 with being an introvert, my point to you 470 00:25:45,294 --> 00:25:50,632 is that you don't want the guy who wants you because of that energy. 471 00:25:50,841 --> 00:25:53,969 A man who wants a woman because she looks scared... 472 00:25:54,595 --> 00:25:56,055 is a sexual predator. 473 00:25:58,724 --> 00:25:59,558 Okay? 474 00:26:02,728 --> 00:26:04,855 All these girls that he could hit on, 475 00:26:04,938 --> 00:26:07,941 he picks the one that's shivering like a wet chihuahua. 476 00:26:08,984 --> 00:26:12,488 Like a nervous street urchin just in a corner 477 00:26:12,571 --> 00:26:14,448 putting out all kinds of "no" vibes. 478 00:26:14,531 --> 00:26:17,451 You don't want the guy that walks up, like, "Excuse me. 479 00:26:17,534 --> 00:26:19,953 I couldn't help but notice you look terrified. 480 00:26:23,832 --> 00:26:25,709 Wanna see my dick?" So... 481 00:26:30,380 --> 00:26:31,757 "I was out with my buddies. 482 00:26:32,841 --> 00:26:34,384 I wasn't looking for anyone. 483 00:26:35,969 --> 00:26:37,596 And I saw her." 484 00:26:38,806 --> 00:26:40,390 The idea... 485 00:26:41,016 --> 00:26:43,143 that in a nightlife setting... 486 00:26:43,644 --> 00:26:46,313 that the man would ever see the woman... 487 00:26:46,980 --> 00:26:49,942 before the woman saw the man. 488 00:26:56,198 --> 00:26:57,032 No. 489 00:26:58,283 --> 00:27:02,704 Women are astute, but moreover, women are the ones with the biological clocks. 490 00:27:02,788 --> 00:27:06,291 Women are the ones with the socially predetermined shelf life. 491 00:27:06,375 --> 00:27:09,711 Women are the ones who are cantilevered off the edge of high heels. 492 00:27:09,795 --> 00:27:11,755 We've got five hours before we take them off 493 00:27:11,839 --> 00:27:13,632 and walk through a lobby flat-foot, okay. 494 00:27:13,715 --> 00:27:17,344 Women are the ones whose skin and foundation is dehydrating 495 00:27:17,427 --> 00:27:19,346 with every alcoholic beverage imbibed. 496 00:27:19,888 --> 00:27:23,517 We are the ones on a time crunch, on a schedule, okay? 497 00:27:23,684 --> 00:27:25,102 You saw me first? 498 00:27:25,185 --> 00:27:26,603 Bullshit, motherfucker. 499 00:27:26,687 --> 00:27:27,604 I clocked you! 500 00:27:36,613 --> 00:27:39,074 Like, the second you walked in. 501 00:27:39,158 --> 00:27:43,245 Dudes walk in in a pack, unaware, like, "I'd better fill out this bracket, 502 00:27:43,328 --> 00:27:46,165 or I'll turn into a pumpkin at midnight." You're not even... 503 00:27:46,874 --> 00:27:50,043 You walked in, I was already hunting with five other women. 504 00:27:50,627 --> 00:27:52,713 He walked in and I was, like, "Hold!" 505 00:27:52,796 --> 00:27:54,798 And then we stalked around you. 506 00:27:57,676 --> 00:28:00,971 Encircled you, sussed you out, like a German shepherd 507 00:28:01,054 --> 00:28:05,017 sniffing out an IED in the sand, motherfucker. Like, we... 508 00:28:06,852 --> 00:28:11,398 A lot of times, men pride themselves on being very observant, right? 509 00:28:11,607 --> 00:28:13,442 Ever date a guy that, you go to a restaurant, 510 00:28:13,525 --> 00:28:15,861 can't sit with his back to the door? 511 00:28:16,653 --> 00:28:20,532 "I gotta sit with my back to the wall so I can assess all entrance 512 00:28:20,616 --> 00:28:23,285 and exit points. I gotta make sure that..." 513 00:28:23,368 --> 00:28:25,996 Okay, while you're checking out the people eating at Denny's, 514 00:28:26,079 --> 00:28:28,415 I checked your fucking credit score, okay? 515 00:28:30,584 --> 00:28:32,711 While you were doing counter-surveillance, 516 00:28:32,794 --> 00:28:36,256 I looked you up and down, I gave you a pre-cancer mole check. 517 00:28:36,340 --> 00:28:38,592 It's benign, move on. I looked at everything. 518 00:28:41,094 --> 00:28:42,971 "I'm an alpha. I gotta look at the door." 519 00:28:43,138 --> 00:28:46,391 If you ever date a man that says he's an alpha... 520 00:28:46,934 --> 00:28:47,976 he's a beta. So... 521 00:28:50,187 --> 00:28:51,980 A lion doesn't tell you he's a lion. 522 00:28:53,106 --> 00:28:55,192 He just lets the girl hunt for him. Okay, so... 523 00:28:56,693 --> 00:28:59,905 So, we look at everything. You think men judge women harshly? 524 00:28:59,988 --> 00:29:03,742 They do. But, gentlemen, you have no idea what we're looking at. 525 00:29:04,618 --> 00:29:06,662 We're judging your hair, your shoes, 526 00:29:06,745 --> 00:29:09,122 we scan you, like Predator. 527 00:29:10,916 --> 00:29:15,170 Every atom, every molecule of your DNA, we go through it like... 528 00:29:15,837 --> 00:29:18,590 "Scanning for physical abnormalities. 529 00:29:22,469 --> 00:29:25,847 Is he balding? Okay, but is it in a weird way? 530 00:29:35,232 --> 00:29:37,693 Is that a goatee? What's happening there? 531 00:29:43,240 --> 00:29:46,827 Is his shirt unbuttoned too low for his ethnicity? 532 00:29:55,043 --> 00:29:57,004 Is he wearing embroidered jeans? 533 00:29:57,087 --> 00:30:01,341 If so, is he a European male or just someone from Arizona?" 534 00:30:01,425 --> 00:30:02,718 Like, we go through it. 535 00:30:05,887 --> 00:30:07,222 We go through it. 536 00:30:12,019 --> 00:30:15,772 We aren't looking to see if you're the hottest guy ever. Nay. 537 00:30:15,856 --> 00:30:20,360 We are merely assessing if you're 50% attractive enough 538 00:30:20,444 --> 00:30:24,489 that we want to put the effort into putting ourselves in your orbit. 539 00:30:24,573 --> 00:30:29,578 So that, in an hour, after a drink or two, you, gentlemen, have the luxury 540 00:30:29,661 --> 00:30:33,582 of turning around and being, like, "Oh, excuse me, I couldn't help but notice." 541 00:30:33,665 --> 00:30:35,167 Then we turn around, like... 542 00:30:35,250 --> 00:30:36,585 [pants] Really? 543 00:30:39,296 --> 00:30:41,965 That's it. Just set it up for you to knock it down. 544 00:30:43,592 --> 00:30:48,138 A lot of times it's not that easy. We see a guy we think is cute... 545 00:30:48,805 --> 00:30:52,601 and he doesn't notice us, so we have to make you... notice us. 546 00:30:53,477 --> 00:30:56,396 A lot of times, we get our girlfriend to help us. Every girl's done this. 547 00:30:56,480 --> 00:30:59,149 There's a boy over there you think is cute, you're, like, "Come here. 548 00:31:00,901 --> 00:31:02,235 Do you see that guy, over there? 549 00:31:04,613 --> 00:31:05,489 Over there. 550 00:31:06,865 --> 00:31:07,699 Over there. 551 00:31:08,492 --> 00:31:10,827 Do you see him? Do you see that guy? Are you looking? 552 00:31:10,911 --> 00:31:12,829 Don't look! Do you see him? Are you looking? 553 00:31:13,538 --> 00:31:16,083 Is he looking? He's looking? He's looking? Start dancing. 554 00:31:23,131 --> 00:31:26,676 Come here, keep talking. Say something funny so I don't look like a loser." 555 00:31:31,515 --> 00:31:33,016 You're trying to put out... 556 00:31:33,600 --> 00:31:35,727 this vibe that you're so carefree. 557 00:31:35,811 --> 00:31:39,689 'Cause you, and don't lie about this, you want him to look over and be, like, 558 00:31:39,773 --> 00:31:43,527 "There will never be another, there has never been another. She is the one." 559 00:31:43,610 --> 00:31:45,779 You want him to be so taken. 560 00:31:45,862 --> 00:31:48,365 "She looks like she doesn't need a man, so carefree." 561 00:31:48,448 --> 00:31:50,325 I'm so carefree, I don't use condoms! 562 00:31:54,246 --> 00:31:55,080 So effortless. 563 00:31:58,291 --> 00:32:02,295 If he was close, he wouldn't be hearing it. From afar, you want him to hear... 564 00:32:02,379 --> 00:32:03,547 [giggles] Sports. 565 00:32:03,630 --> 00:32:06,383 If he were close, what he'd actually hear is your... 566 00:32:06,466 --> 00:32:08,343 [screams] Like, you're trying so hard. 567 00:32:08,718 --> 00:32:09,553 Please! 568 00:32:12,055 --> 00:32:14,766 He's going to find you, he'll see you at some point. 569 00:32:14,850 --> 00:32:18,437 There's only so many places in a bar, a club, that your eyes can fall. 570 00:32:18,520 --> 00:32:21,690 He's going to see you. This is the important part girls, okay? 571 00:32:21,773 --> 00:32:24,151 You're out there, it's a competitive situation. 572 00:32:24,234 --> 00:32:26,486 There's a lot of girls, there's a lot of bars. 573 00:32:26,570 --> 00:32:29,406 He's gonna look at you, that's your chance, okay? 574 00:32:29,573 --> 00:32:31,408 That's your chance. You've only got one shot. 575 00:32:32,325 --> 00:32:34,327 It's like 8 Mile, but with flirting. 576 00:32:36,496 --> 00:32:38,498 Hopefully there's no vomit on your shirt. 577 00:32:39,875 --> 00:32:43,086 Maybe it's a good thing. He'd be, like, "She parties!" I don't know. 578 00:32:44,045 --> 00:32:47,424 He's going to look over, the lights are going to reflect and refract, 579 00:32:47,507 --> 00:32:49,509 and they'll hit you both and he's gonna see you, 580 00:32:49,593 --> 00:32:51,219 and that's your chance, ladies, 581 00:32:51,303 --> 00:32:52,929 to fucking stick it, and pose, 582 00:32:53,013 --> 00:32:55,140 like a peacock in heat that you are. Just... 583 00:32:55,682 --> 00:32:56,766 [caws] 584 00:33:10,864 --> 00:33:12,240 Don't dance like that. 585 00:33:14,242 --> 00:33:16,411 Little bit of insight to stand-up comedy, 586 00:33:16,495 --> 00:33:19,080 and the risk and reward with choosing certain jokes. 587 00:33:19,164 --> 00:33:21,458 That joke is a risk because I realize 588 00:33:21,541 --> 00:33:24,419 not every one here knows... what a peacock sounds like. 589 00:33:26,713 --> 00:33:29,174 But for, like, the 12 of you that knew, 590 00:33:29,508 --> 00:33:31,259 it was so worth it for me. 591 00:33:38,433 --> 00:33:40,143 And for the rest of you, 592 00:33:40,227 --> 00:33:42,896 the good news is you don't ever have to hear a peacock, 593 00:33:42,979 --> 00:33:46,775 'cause that was, like, top ten peacock impressions you're going to hear... 594 00:33:47,275 --> 00:33:48,151 tonight. 595 00:33:50,904 --> 00:33:51,947 [caws] 596 00:33:52,030 --> 00:33:55,575 I hate it. I hate the noise. I'm allowed to make fun of peacocks, 597 00:33:55,659 --> 00:33:57,035 'cause I grew up with them. 598 00:33:58,537 --> 00:34:01,623 What I find so unsettling, if I might divert from the stand-up 599 00:34:01,706 --> 00:34:04,668 to a TED Talk about ornithology for two seconds, the... 600 00:34:04,918 --> 00:34:07,712 it's the dip in the mating call that gives me... 601 00:34:07,796 --> 00:34:09,631 [caws, retches] 602 00:34:09,714 --> 00:34:10,715 It's just not... 603 00:34:12,300 --> 00:34:16,221 We, as avian enthusiasts, which is why you've come to my comedy show... 604 00:34:17,847 --> 00:34:20,559 enjoy consistency in a mating call. 605 00:34:20,642 --> 00:34:22,894 Like, a crow or a raven is like... 606 00:34:22,978 --> 00:34:24,938 [caws like a crow] It just goes. Right? 607 00:34:25,855 --> 00:34:30,610 And a dove and its low-rent cousin, the pigeon, that's just... 608 00:34:32,237 --> 00:34:33,113 [coos] 609 00:34:33,196 --> 00:34:34,030 Right? 610 00:34:37,033 --> 00:34:39,327 The dove and the bird it loans money to, just... 611 00:34:39,411 --> 00:34:41,663 [coos] 612 00:34:41,746 --> 00:34:44,624 Right? And we all know a warbler goes like... 613 00:34:45,792 --> 00:34:47,419 "I'm a warbler." I don't know. And then... 614 00:34:49,379 --> 00:34:50,880 and the bald eagle is, like, 615 00:34:50,964 --> 00:34:53,133 "Fucking freedom!" Okay, so... 616 00:34:54,092 --> 00:34:54,926 we know. 617 00:34:57,220 --> 00:35:00,724 To me, the peacock sounds like a tired hooker. 618 00:35:02,017 --> 00:35:05,937 Like he's just standing on the corner, like, "You want a fuck or what? 619 00:35:15,322 --> 00:35:17,365 I already paid for the room." 620 00:35:19,242 --> 00:35:22,579 Another side note, I realize the peacock is the male. 621 00:35:22,662 --> 00:35:24,414 They're the ones with the plumage. 622 00:35:24,497 --> 00:35:27,500 The female peacock is a peahen. Their colors are muted. 623 00:35:27,584 --> 00:35:30,837 So really it's a feminist joke 'cause it's about a male prostitute. 624 00:35:30,920 --> 00:35:32,422 Mmm, okay, so... 625 00:35:37,802 --> 00:35:41,723 So you peacock and he sees you, and he walks up. "I couldn't help but notice..." 626 00:35:41,806 --> 00:35:44,809 And you start talking, maybe you have some drinks, 627 00:35:44,893 --> 00:35:48,396 maybe you dance, maybe you exchange numbers, maybe you start to date. 628 00:35:48,480 --> 00:35:53,026 Now, I happen to think the very beginning of a new relationship 629 00:35:53,109 --> 00:35:55,695 is the most exciting part of the relationship. 630 00:35:55,779 --> 00:35:57,447 Granted, I'm not married yet, 631 00:35:57,530 --> 00:36:00,533 so, technically, I've only had beginnings of relationships. 632 00:36:01,618 --> 00:36:05,705 I don't know. I can't say empirically how fun being married is. 633 00:36:05,789 --> 00:36:09,084 I'll tell you on the next comedy special what that's all about. 634 00:36:10,043 --> 00:36:11,127 But I don't know. 635 00:36:13,630 --> 00:36:17,300 The beginning of a relationship is exciting because it's brand new. 636 00:36:17,384 --> 00:36:19,094 You're both on your best behavior, 637 00:36:19,177 --> 00:36:20,553 it's still electric, 638 00:36:20,637 --> 00:36:24,933 you're not totally sure about the history of mental illness in each family. 639 00:36:25,016 --> 00:36:25,850 It's fun. 640 00:36:25,934 --> 00:36:28,937 And the most nerve-wracking part of a new relationship 641 00:36:29,020 --> 00:36:30,105 when you're younger, 642 00:36:30,188 --> 00:36:33,400 is the first time a boy comes over to your apartment. 643 00:36:33,775 --> 00:36:37,278 'Cause it's ostensibly like your girlfriend audition time. 644 00:36:37,362 --> 00:36:41,741 You want him to come in and be, like, "It's so homey. I'd like to stay forever." 645 00:36:41,825 --> 00:36:43,993 Yes, come closer. Like, that's what you want. 646 00:36:44,494 --> 00:36:46,788 You try so hard in your 20s, right? 647 00:36:46,871 --> 00:36:50,083 Because you're young, and it's fun. That's your 20s. In your 30s... 648 00:36:50,166 --> 00:36:52,168 [mutters] 649 00:36:52,252 --> 00:36:54,838 In your 30s, homeboy knocks on the door, you open it, 650 00:36:54,921 --> 00:36:58,258 you're in combat boots, nothing else, and a garbage can on fire, you're, like, 651 00:36:58,341 --> 00:37:00,051 "Welcome to Fuckdome, Scott." 652 00:37:06,558 --> 00:37:07,851 Ticket? Okay, so... 653 00:37:11,020 --> 00:37:14,190 But it's interesting, in your 20s, it's a weird mental game. 654 00:37:14,274 --> 00:37:17,652 Boy's coming over for the first time, you're trying to reconcile 655 00:37:17,944 --> 00:37:21,906 the beautiful home that your mother kept that you lived in growing up, 656 00:37:21,990 --> 00:37:26,828 with the beautiful home that, like, Pinterest says you're supposed to have. 657 00:37:27,078 --> 00:37:30,206 And the fact that you have no fucking money, so... 658 00:37:30,874 --> 00:37:33,668 Should I buy a rug or eat dinner? I don't know. 659 00:37:33,752 --> 00:37:34,711 It's so hard. 660 00:37:35,170 --> 00:37:37,672 Boy's coming over, you are cleaning 661 00:37:37,756 --> 00:37:40,717 like you've never cleaned before, and it's hard 662 00:37:40,800 --> 00:37:44,179 because women secretly are... filthy. 663 00:37:45,388 --> 00:37:47,974 No one wants to laugh about it. "Not me!" 664 00:37:48,057 --> 00:37:51,519 And no guy wants to imagine, like, "No way, my girlfriend's so hot." 665 00:37:51,603 --> 00:37:55,732 Yeah? You think you have a hot girlfriend? Check the center console of her car. 666 00:38:01,154 --> 00:38:02,864 She's owned that car for a decade. 667 00:38:02,947 --> 00:38:05,283 Every year, the shit just piles up. 668 00:38:05,366 --> 00:38:08,995 You open it, like, "I didn't know an Acura came with a time capsule!" You shut it. 669 00:38:10,497 --> 00:38:11,539 You open it again. 670 00:38:11,623 --> 00:38:14,125 You just hear, "Help!" There's something in there. 671 00:38:14,709 --> 00:38:17,545 It's our little filthy secret stockpile, right? 672 00:38:17,629 --> 00:38:21,549 It's a Now That's What I Call Music CD. "In case they come back!" Yeah. 673 00:38:21,633 --> 00:38:26,095 It's one of those cables that plugs from the tape player into the CD player. 674 00:38:26,179 --> 00:38:29,182 It's spilled nail polish, it's a little bit of weed dust. 675 00:38:29,265 --> 00:38:33,770 It's a... Calgon body spray, 'cause you'd rather smell like a stripper than weed. 676 00:38:34,854 --> 00:38:38,233 It's that... It's a Lip Smacker, Dr Pepper flavor, 677 00:38:38,316 --> 00:38:41,402 that's just... lying there with a gash in the wax neck, 678 00:38:41,486 --> 00:38:44,364 like, "Tell my children I died well." Like it's... 679 00:38:45,740 --> 00:38:47,575 it's an iPhone 4 charger. 680 00:38:49,619 --> 00:38:51,162 It's some McDonald's napkins. 681 00:38:52,205 --> 00:38:53,540 It's a French fry. 682 00:38:55,750 --> 00:38:58,878 Times that center console by a million... 683 00:38:58,962 --> 00:39:00,463 in her apartment. 684 00:39:00,547 --> 00:39:04,217 You are just cleaning with Swiffer and Brawny. 685 00:39:04,300 --> 00:39:06,719 It's like a winter wonderland of paper towels. 686 00:39:06,803 --> 00:39:09,222 You're just shoving shit under the rugs. 687 00:39:09,305 --> 00:39:11,474 You didn't build a shelf, I dunno how that fucking works. 688 00:39:11,558 --> 00:39:14,102 You're just moving everything, you take everything... 689 00:39:14,185 --> 00:39:17,689 You put your coats in the oven. Burn 'em! I live in L.A. Take everything. 690 00:39:18,189 --> 00:39:22,485 Put your cat in a hamper for now, Marbles. We don't know how he feels about cats. 691 00:39:23,069 --> 00:39:27,365 Taking everything, you're cleaning. You're discovering new rooms in your apartment. 692 00:39:27,448 --> 00:39:30,159 How come the water heater gets its own closet? Fuck it! 693 00:39:31,369 --> 00:39:35,164 You beg your gross-out roommate, "Please, just stay in your room. 694 00:39:35,248 --> 00:39:36,666 You're so fucking disgusting." 695 00:39:36,749 --> 00:39:40,211 She's there, on a throne of Wendy's wrappers, like, "Okay! 696 00:39:42,213 --> 00:39:45,341 You text me dick pics." Hello. Shut the door. 697 00:39:45,884 --> 00:39:50,096 Cleaning. Lighting Glade candles like it's a fucking Catholic mass. 698 00:39:50,179 --> 00:39:53,224 Smells like ham in here! You're just trying to make it nice. 699 00:39:53,308 --> 00:39:56,394 He opens the door. You're, like, "Hi!" He walks in. He's, like, 700 00:39:56,769 --> 00:39:58,730 "Oh, place is cool." You're, like, "Fuck you." 701 00:40:12,619 --> 00:40:14,203 And there's an art, by the way, 702 00:40:14,287 --> 00:40:18,374 to the outfit you wear the first time a boy comes over to your place at night. 703 00:40:19,250 --> 00:40:22,754 You don't want to wear... what you wore during the day. 704 00:40:22,837 --> 00:40:26,716 Don't want work clothes. You don't want to wear your daytime clothes, 'cause... 705 00:40:27,467 --> 00:40:28,635 'cause it's nighttime. 706 00:40:29,469 --> 00:40:31,304 What if that was the end of my show? 707 00:40:32,639 --> 00:40:33,723 I hit my head. 708 00:40:35,266 --> 00:40:38,102 You don't want to wear your civilian clothes, okay. 709 00:40:38,186 --> 00:40:40,939 'Cause you had a whole day. Maybe you sweat in them, they're gross. 710 00:40:41,022 --> 00:40:43,900 However, at the other end of the sartorial spectrum, 711 00:40:43,983 --> 00:40:49,614 you don't want to go, like, super hardcore sexy the first time a guy's coming over. 712 00:40:49,697 --> 00:40:52,575 Just relax. You don't want to wear nipple tassels. Now... 713 00:40:54,077 --> 00:40:55,912 some women are, like, "Wait a minute." 714 00:40:57,497 --> 00:41:00,708 I am the woman that has stood here before 715 00:41:00,792 --> 00:41:03,044 and will stand here before you again and let you know 716 00:41:03,127 --> 00:41:04,796 you can wear whatever you want. 717 00:41:04,879 --> 00:41:08,716 It doesn't give a man the right to put his hands on you. No always means no. 718 00:41:08,800 --> 00:41:10,969 That's like a boiler-plated given. 719 00:41:16,307 --> 00:41:18,226 No means no. Kindergarteners get it. 720 00:41:18,309 --> 00:41:21,479 I don't know why we forget that as adult males, but... 721 00:41:22,021 --> 00:41:24,732 no means no. This is less about that, 722 00:41:24,816 --> 00:41:28,569 and more about just being mentally kind to the other person. 723 00:41:28,653 --> 00:41:31,030 You show up in that, he'll be, like, "Oh, my god!" 724 00:41:31,114 --> 00:41:34,033 The blood's gonna go from here to his dick, he's gonna impale himself, 725 00:41:34,117 --> 00:41:36,577 he's gonna sue you, and you ain't got no money. So... 726 00:41:38,496 --> 00:41:40,790 just be kind, because, mentally, it's like, 727 00:41:40,873 --> 00:41:44,127 "Maybe she wants me. I don't know. Oh, my god." It's frustrating. 728 00:41:44,210 --> 00:41:47,130 You know, girls, it'd be like if you have the worst day, 729 00:41:47,213 --> 00:41:49,257 you came home to your boyfriend, like... 730 00:41:50,133 --> 00:41:51,217 "I had the worst day. 731 00:41:51,300 --> 00:41:52,385 I got fired, and... 732 00:41:52,885 --> 00:41:54,887 I cried in front of everyone 733 00:41:54,971 --> 00:41:56,973 and... I ate that French fry from my car. 734 00:41:59,517 --> 00:42:01,144 It was just such a hard day." 735 00:42:01,227 --> 00:42:05,023 Your boyfriend's like, "Aw, babe. You want to talk about it?" You're, like, "Yeah." 736 00:42:05,106 --> 00:42:08,026 He's, like, "Just kidding. Psych." That's what it would be like. 737 00:42:09,944 --> 00:42:13,406 So the question is, if I can't wear work clothes, I can't wear nipple tassels, 738 00:42:13,489 --> 00:42:14,907 what's a girl to do? 739 00:42:15,783 --> 00:42:19,287 There's an entire, sort of intermediary, 740 00:42:19,370 --> 00:42:23,041 post-dinner, pre-bedtime apparel world. 741 00:42:23,124 --> 00:42:25,126 There's a whole category of clothing 742 00:42:25,209 --> 00:42:28,337 that you, as women, have mastered without even realizing it. 743 00:42:28,421 --> 00:42:30,089 The category is called 744 00:42:30,173 --> 00:42:31,340 athleisure wear. 745 00:42:35,219 --> 00:42:37,764 This is an entire clothing category. 746 00:42:37,847 --> 00:42:41,267 It's a multi-billion-dollar clothing category 747 00:42:41,350 --> 00:42:43,436 predicated on the idea that, as a woman, 748 00:42:43,519 --> 00:42:45,605 sometimes you don't have time to change 749 00:42:45,688 --> 00:42:48,941 when you're going from the boardroom to Pilates. There's no fucking way. 750 00:42:49,025 --> 00:42:50,151 You gotta be ready. 751 00:42:50,485 --> 00:42:53,279 Sometimes you're going right from spin to open-heart surgery, 752 00:42:53,362 --> 00:42:55,281 and you've got to look good. That's... 753 00:42:55,364 --> 00:42:57,950 Spin to open-heart surgery? How about my bed to my couch? 754 00:42:58,034 --> 00:42:59,577 What are you fucking talking about? 755 00:43:00,661 --> 00:43:05,083 So what is athleisure wear? It's athletic apparel you wouldn't really work out in. 756 00:43:05,166 --> 00:43:08,377 Right? So it's... yoga pants with, like, a racing stripe. 757 00:43:08,461 --> 00:43:10,088 You just... race to your snacks. 758 00:43:13,257 --> 00:43:15,802 Sometimes it's like a complicated tank top. 759 00:43:17,178 --> 00:43:19,180 It's, like, not quite supportive. 760 00:43:19,263 --> 00:43:20,932 They're, like, "It's backless." 761 00:43:21,015 --> 00:43:23,142 What do you do? "You don't wear a bra." 762 00:43:23,226 --> 00:43:25,061 I'm sorry, what the fuck did you just say? 763 00:43:27,522 --> 00:43:28,523 I don't wear a bra? 764 00:43:28,606 --> 00:43:32,401 So if the athletic part comes into play, and I have to run, it's gonna be... 765 00:43:32,485 --> 00:43:33,945 [thuds] No! 766 00:43:36,489 --> 00:43:39,492 My whole life... they've been pitching to me, 767 00:43:39,575 --> 00:43:41,953 "It's a tank top, there's a shelf built in." 768 00:43:42,870 --> 00:43:44,747 It's a... Go fuck your shelf, okay? 769 00:43:44,831 --> 00:43:45,665 I want a bra. 770 00:43:46,749 --> 00:43:47,708 I want a bra! 771 00:43:53,339 --> 00:43:56,467 We do that. Sometimes we'll do, like, a push-up bra under the tank. 772 00:43:56,551 --> 00:43:59,679 Show the strap off. It's got to be a cute strap. Not beige. 773 00:43:59,762 --> 00:44:01,264 No one goes, "Ooh, beige." 774 00:44:03,349 --> 00:44:05,810 Like magenta. 'Cause that's not as sexy as red. 775 00:44:05,893 --> 00:44:08,896 Magenta's like, "Maybe we'll fuck." Red's like, "We're gonna fuck!" 776 00:44:09,897 --> 00:44:12,608 Push-up bra. That's what we do for you, gentlemen. 777 00:44:12,692 --> 00:44:14,652 You have no idea... of the sacrifices. 778 00:44:16,154 --> 00:44:20,366 Not a woman here wears a push-up bra when she's at home with the flu. 779 00:44:22,118 --> 00:44:25,872 No one walking around, like, "I just like it when my nipples are near my tongue." 780 00:44:27,832 --> 00:44:29,333 It's just safer that way. 781 00:44:31,377 --> 00:44:32,879 He gets to be comfortable. 782 00:44:33,212 --> 00:44:36,382 You're all bundled up, sitting there in a push-up bra on your couch, 783 00:44:36,465 --> 00:44:39,010 drinking with this dude you're having a date with. 784 00:44:39,093 --> 00:44:40,928 He's got his shoes off, shirt off. 785 00:44:41,012 --> 00:44:44,182 You're suffocating under your own tits, watching House Hunters. 786 00:44:45,266 --> 00:44:46,267 Crown molding. 787 00:44:51,898 --> 00:44:55,484 You're all dressed up, have a nice night. Maybe sleep together, maybe you don't. 788 00:44:55,568 --> 00:44:59,655 That's not what I'm interested in. What I want to talk about is the next morning, 789 00:44:59,739 --> 00:45:01,449 when he goes to leave. 790 00:45:01,824 --> 00:45:04,410 What I've always found so endearing about men... 791 00:45:04,493 --> 00:45:06,454 I find many things endearing about you. 792 00:45:06,996 --> 00:45:07,872 But... 793 00:45:09,415 --> 00:45:12,084 you think... we stay... 794 00:45:12,168 --> 00:45:13,836 that put-together... 795 00:45:14,712 --> 00:45:15,880 once you're gone. 796 00:45:18,049 --> 00:45:19,175 You have no idea. 797 00:45:20,301 --> 00:45:22,553 They have no idea... what lies beneath. 798 00:45:22,637 --> 00:45:27,516 You have no idea... that under the hair, and the make-up, and the lashes, 799 00:45:27,600 --> 00:45:29,602 and the shelf, and the bras... 800 00:45:30,102 --> 00:45:31,312 for every woman, 801 00:45:31,395 --> 00:45:32,939 lies the beating heart 802 00:45:33,022 --> 00:45:34,357 of a hungry... 803 00:45:34,440 --> 00:45:35,691 exhausted... 804 00:45:35,775 --> 00:45:36,984 annoyed... 805 00:45:37,068 --> 00:45:39,195 she-dragon! 806 00:45:46,494 --> 00:45:49,956 And she is waiting to come out. She comes out every couple hours. 807 00:45:50,039 --> 00:45:54,168 Like opinions, sweat, urine. Hopefully you pee more than every couple hours, still. 808 00:45:54,252 --> 00:45:56,963 She's got to. You gotta let her out, and she's waiting. 809 00:45:57,046 --> 00:45:59,966 And homeboy is taking forever to leave, he's, like, 810 00:46:00,049 --> 00:46:02,385 "All right, I guess I'll give you a call later." 811 00:46:02,468 --> 00:46:03,886 Your dragon's, like, "Get out! 812 00:46:05,263 --> 00:46:07,265 Get out. I got to take a shit. Get out! 813 00:46:12,770 --> 00:46:16,357 Get rid of him. I gotta go in that bathroom I share with another grown woman 814 00:46:16,440 --> 00:46:19,068 and take a Jurassic thunderdump, mostly in the bowl, 815 00:46:19,151 --> 00:46:21,445 then send him a picture like I'm doing something hot." 816 00:46:21,529 --> 00:46:22,446 Hey. "Get out!" 817 00:46:25,741 --> 00:46:28,035 I feel like the boys here don't believe me. 818 00:46:29,704 --> 00:46:32,581 That breaks my heart. I want you to trust me, okay? 819 00:46:32,665 --> 00:46:35,835 You don't believe me that there's a dragon inside every woman. 820 00:46:35,918 --> 00:46:37,837 I will prove it to you. Are you ready? 821 00:46:38,629 --> 00:46:39,880 There's no zipper, okay. 822 00:46:41,340 --> 00:46:44,468 I'll let you prove it to yourselves. Tomorrow, when you leave your girl, 823 00:46:44,552 --> 00:46:46,887 okay, and you're saying goodbye at the door... 824 00:46:47,638 --> 00:46:48,973 here's what you want to do. 825 00:46:49,890 --> 00:46:51,309 Look deep in her eyes. 826 00:46:52,018 --> 00:46:55,855 This is great, because, she'll be, like, "Oh, my god, he's mesmerized by me. 827 00:46:55,938 --> 00:46:57,815 This is amazing. I'm doing amazing." 828 00:46:57,898 --> 00:46:59,066 Great, let her think that. 829 00:46:59,150 --> 00:47:02,778 It buys you time, gentlemen. Because what you're looking for in her eyes 830 00:47:02,862 --> 00:47:05,364 is like a nictitating membrane, okay. 831 00:47:07,158 --> 00:47:10,911 For those who don't know, it's the lid under the lid that keeps the sand out. 832 00:47:12,371 --> 00:47:14,790 You need more Planet Earth from Netflix in your lives, okay. 833 00:47:14,874 --> 00:47:16,208 That's what you're looking for. 834 00:47:16,292 --> 00:47:19,503 If you want to see... the dragon come out on its own, 835 00:47:19,587 --> 00:47:22,506 just prolong your goodbye, 'cause that dragon's coming out. 836 00:47:22,590 --> 00:47:25,134 Nothing you can do about it. Just take a little longer. 837 00:47:25,217 --> 00:47:28,387 All right, well, I have your number, right? Lemme make sure. 838 00:47:28,471 --> 00:47:30,473 Okay, great, you have my number. Bye! 839 00:47:30,556 --> 00:47:32,892 [shrieks, pants] 840 00:47:38,981 --> 00:47:41,567 You're just flying round your own studio apartment. 841 00:47:42,735 --> 00:47:45,237 You can't go outside. You will get shot down. 842 00:47:45,946 --> 00:47:48,240 Like, this isn't fucking King's Landing. Like, you can't... 843 00:47:50,159 --> 00:47:51,994 you're just doing it for the cardio. 844 00:47:52,995 --> 00:47:55,664 Tiny pulses, ladies. We're toning, we're firming. 845 00:47:57,500 --> 00:47:59,335 You fly into your kitchen. 846 00:47:59,627 --> 00:48:00,920 You land on your counter. 847 00:48:03,005 --> 00:48:05,466 You're hungry, right? So you take out a talon. 848 00:48:08,010 --> 00:48:10,388 You skewer an entire sleeve of Oreos. 849 00:48:17,103 --> 00:48:18,104 You toast it. 850 00:48:26,570 --> 00:48:28,906 Your dragon body and your farts 851 00:48:28,989 --> 00:48:32,410 aren't the only thing you've been holding in all night. 852 00:48:32,493 --> 00:48:35,287 You've also been holding in... your intentions. 853 00:48:35,955 --> 00:48:39,041 We have this really nasty habit in our society 854 00:48:39,125 --> 00:48:43,045 of labeling women very cruel and unfair things 855 00:48:43,129 --> 00:48:46,465 when they express their desire for very normal things. 856 00:48:46,549 --> 00:48:49,593 Monogamy, exclusivity, a relationship, 857 00:48:49,677 --> 00:48:51,679 a family, babies. Right? 858 00:48:51,762 --> 00:48:55,266 We like to call them desperate, sad, psychos, baby crazy. 859 00:48:55,349 --> 00:48:56,809 "We've been married for six years. 860 00:48:56,892 --> 00:49:00,020 She already wants a kid! I'm a fuck man! They can't get me." 861 00:49:02,064 --> 00:49:04,275 It's very normal to want these things. 862 00:49:04,358 --> 00:49:06,527 And we like to chastise women for this. 863 00:49:06,610 --> 00:49:09,738 And so, as women, sometimes we don't speak our truth. 864 00:49:09,822 --> 00:49:13,409 You go on a first date, and a guy says, "Do you want to have kids?" 865 00:49:13,492 --> 00:49:14,743 And you say no. 866 00:49:14,827 --> 00:49:16,162 Or I don't know. 867 00:49:16,245 --> 00:49:18,831 When you do know. Because you don't want to what? 868 00:49:20,082 --> 00:49:21,000 Scare them off. 869 00:49:22,543 --> 00:49:23,627 By the way... 870 00:49:24,670 --> 00:49:27,923 if you're the kind of woman that doesn't want kids, you're still a woman. 871 00:49:28,007 --> 00:49:30,426 This joke's not about you. Wait your turn, okay. 872 00:49:34,472 --> 00:49:35,764 Another "by the way." 873 00:49:36,515 --> 00:49:37,349 Gentlemen... 874 00:49:37,766 --> 00:49:41,187 you ask a girl if she wants to have kids, and she says yes... 875 00:49:41,854 --> 00:49:43,856 it doesn't necessarily mean with you. 876 00:49:52,615 --> 00:49:53,782 And it's interesting... 877 00:49:53,866 --> 00:49:57,578 because your views about relationships or marriage or children 878 00:49:57,661 --> 00:49:59,121 do change the older you get. 879 00:49:59,205 --> 00:50:01,373 Some girls are in the crowd, in your 20s, 880 00:50:01,457 --> 00:50:04,251 you're, like, "Whatever, elder millennial. I don't care. 881 00:50:04,752 --> 00:50:08,047 I'm 20. I'm going to be a gypsy and make jewelry out of cat noses. 882 00:50:08,130 --> 00:50:09,256 Yeah. I don't care." 883 00:50:10,758 --> 00:50:13,761 I get it. That's totally fair. I was like that at one point. 884 00:50:13,844 --> 00:50:17,848 Society tells you over and over, they say, "How old are you?" "I'm 23." 885 00:50:17,932 --> 00:50:19,808 "Oh, my god, you have so much time." 886 00:50:19,892 --> 00:50:20,726 And you do. 887 00:50:20,809 --> 00:50:21,977 But not much. 888 00:50:22,436 --> 00:50:23,395 So... 889 00:50:25,356 --> 00:50:28,400 It's not about deciding now, it's about not writing it off totally. 890 00:50:28,484 --> 00:50:30,653 Because I never thought about it, God's honest truth. 891 00:50:30,736 --> 00:50:34,448 I wasn't anti or for. I figured you get a boyfriend, life goes on. 892 00:50:34,532 --> 00:50:39,078 When I was in my 20s, I loved... still do... stand-up, traveling, working. 893 00:50:39,161 --> 00:50:41,664 And I figured, when you turn 30, the government issues you 894 00:50:41,747 --> 00:50:44,959 a house, an okay-looking husband, a baby, a plant, you're done! 895 00:50:46,126 --> 00:50:47,461 I never thought about it. 896 00:50:48,128 --> 00:50:51,006 And it's interesting, because my reaction to children, 897 00:50:51,090 --> 00:50:53,092 and I don't know how many kids I want. 898 00:50:53,175 --> 00:50:55,970 I don't want like a Duggar situation, but maybe one. 899 00:50:56,595 --> 00:50:58,222 One cool baby. I don't know. 900 00:50:58,806 --> 00:51:01,725 I'd be in the airport in my 20s and I'd hear a baby cry. 901 00:51:01,809 --> 00:51:04,228 All the women would be, like, "Oh, my god, it's a child." 902 00:51:04,311 --> 00:51:08,232 I'd be, "Oh, my god, don't sit by me. Like, that's all. Get it away." 903 00:51:08,857 --> 00:51:11,068 It's interesting, 'cause I never thought about it. 904 00:51:11,151 --> 00:51:14,780 It changes slightly, the chemistry, the way you think about it. 905 00:51:14,989 --> 00:51:16,574 I was in the airport the other day. 906 00:51:16,949 --> 00:51:18,200 There was a baby there. 907 00:51:18,409 --> 00:51:20,286 And the baby made a big mistake. 908 00:51:21,412 --> 00:51:22,705 'Cause that baby... 909 00:51:23,581 --> 00:51:25,457 let a chubby baby leg... 910 00:51:26,333 --> 00:51:27,918 hang from his blankie. 911 00:51:30,921 --> 00:51:31,922 I had to squeeze it. 912 00:51:35,092 --> 00:51:38,846 I was, like, "What is this feel..." I found myself moving toward the mother. 913 00:51:40,264 --> 00:51:42,975 And I knew... intrinsically, I knew... 914 00:51:43,058 --> 00:51:44,977 she would let me squeeze his leg. 915 00:51:46,145 --> 00:51:49,064 Because women don't fear other women. 916 00:51:49,273 --> 00:51:53,110 When it comes to children, not like the corporate ladder or dating, but... 917 00:51:53,944 --> 00:51:57,573 she knows I'm not creepy and I mean that baby no harm. 918 00:51:57,656 --> 00:51:59,950 That's something we can trade on as women. 919 00:52:00,034 --> 00:52:01,785 Women aren't scary. 920 00:52:01,869 --> 00:52:06,832 Late at night, if a woman's walking toward you, you don't cross to the other side. 921 00:52:06,915 --> 00:52:09,043 I mean, you do if she's, like, "Purple hippo!" 922 00:52:12,338 --> 00:52:15,090 When you're in an elevator and a woman gets on, 923 00:52:15,174 --> 00:52:17,635 you don't clutch your purse and back up a little. 924 00:52:17,718 --> 00:52:20,346 Women aren't scary and women aren't creepy. 925 00:52:20,429 --> 00:52:22,389 That's an important thing to remember. 926 00:52:22,473 --> 00:52:25,893 No matter what we get faulted for, and we'll get faulted for a lot, 927 00:52:25,976 --> 00:52:28,812 things like aging, things you can totally control. 928 00:52:30,189 --> 00:52:33,150 No matter how much weight you gain, how many wrinkles you get, 929 00:52:33,233 --> 00:52:37,446 no matter how opinionated you are, no matter what you become as a woman, 930 00:52:37,696 --> 00:52:42,076 women are welcome around public parks and children's birthday parties. 931 00:52:43,869 --> 00:52:48,165 Always. I could go to an elementary school right now 932 00:52:48,248 --> 00:52:51,669 in a hospital gown, with a raccoon on a leash... 933 00:52:53,712 --> 00:52:56,840 and the children would be, like, "You have a weird dog." 934 00:53:07,017 --> 00:53:10,688 Because of that inherent fact that women are not creepy. 935 00:53:11,980 --> 00:53:12,815 Men. 936 00:53:15,401 --> 00:53:17,695 All you've got to do is part your hair wrong. 937 00:53:19,947 --> 00:53:23,784 So I get up near this baby, I wipe the sweat from my brow, 938 00:53:23,867 --> 00:53:26,745 I calm myself and say to the woman, "Excuse me, hi. 939 00:53:26,829 --> 00:53:27,830 [inhales] 940 00:53:30,791 --> 00:53:32,626 I need to squeeze your baby's leg." 941 00:53:34,169 --> 00:53:37,881 She was, like, "Absolutely! Get in there! Get in there! 942 00:53:37,965 --> 00:53:42,261 His name is Charlie." She gave me his blood type, his social security number... 943 00:53:42,678 --> 00:53:46,348 There's an art to squeezing a baby leg. You're not actually squeezing. 944 00:53:46,432 --> 00:53:48,225 You're taking your pincher fingers, 945 00:53:48,308 --> 00:53:51,603 and you're putting it like this, and lightly oscillating... 946 00:53:53,605 --> 00:53:55,983 allowing the fat to rapidly undulate... 947 00:53:56,525 --> 00:53:59,153 so fast it looks like a fluid motion, 948 00:53:59,236 --> 00:54:02,281 not unlike the flapping of a hummingbird's wings, okay. 949 00:54:04,658 --> 00:54:06,243 This is how I give a hand job. 950 00:54:07,995 --> 00:54:09,997 [trills] Baby leg! 951 00:54:10,247 --> 00:54:12,583 [ululates] 952 00:54:13,417 --> 00:54:17,588 Any pressure you would apply to said leg, you divert up to your back molar, 953 00:54:17,671 --> 00:54:18,964 and you grind it. 954 00:54:21,425 --> 00:54:24,678 When you feel enamel starting to break down, that's how you know 955 00:54:24,762 --> 00:54:26,638 you gotta get out of there, okay. 956 00:54:26,722 --> 00:54:29,641 You know you're at maximum capacity for cuteness 957 00:54:29,725 --> 00:54:33,103 when you start making thinly veiled threats to the child. 958 00:54:34,730 --> 00:54:35,731 I'm going to eat that leg. 959 00:54:37,524 --> 00:54:38,734 I'm gonna bite that nose! 960 00:54:38,817 --> 00:54:41,361 The mom was into it! She was, like, "Eat his fucking leg!" 961 00:54:42,279 --> 00:54:45,449 I'm gonna eat that leg. "Bite his fucking nose!" I'm gonna eat that nose! 962 00:54:46,617 --> 00:54:49,661 Everyone's into it, except the kid who's being the adult. He's, like, 963 00:54:49,745 --> 00:54:50,704 "What the fuck is this?" 964 00:54:58,170 --> 00:54:59,087 Baby leg. 965 00:55:01,089 --> 00:55:05,803 So... back to our original narrative. You're a dragon in your kitchen. 966 00:55:09,014 --> 00:55:12,559 And those maternal, we don't have to restrict it to just women. 967 00:55:12,643 --> 00:55:16,647 Paternal, parental. Those maternal urges start to bubble up. 968 00:55:16,730 --> 00:55:19,858 Because they're unrealized. You did not verbalize last night on your date 969 00:55:19,942 --> 00:55:23,028 that you might, one day, possibly, with the right person, want kids. 970 00:55:23,111 --> 00:55:26,532 It's bubbling up, you're sitting there, eating your Oreos, like... 971 00:55:27,032 --> 00:55:27,866 Baby. 972 00:55:29,827 --> 00:55:30,911 I want a child. 973 00:55:32,329 --> 00:55:33,163 Family. 974 00:55:33,831 --> 00:55:34,665 Baby. 975 00:55:34,748 --> 00:55:36,583 Who's the baby? 976 00:55:36,667 --> 00:55:41,129 You look over and who do 100% of us take out our parental urges on? 977 00:55:41,213 --> 00:55:42,756 Our pets. 978 00:55:43,674 --> 00:55:46,301 Who's the baby? 979 00:55:49,721 --> 00:55:51,348 Your dog is sitting there, like, 980 00:55:51,765 --> 00:55:53,433 "Oh, fuck, it's me!" 981 00:55:56,228 --> 00:55:59,773 And you, scoop him up, you don't give him a chance to run. 982 00:55:59,857 --> 00:56:02,442 You sweep all four legs, Daniel-san, just... 983 00:56:03,277 --> 00:56:06,822 And you throw him on his back! The dog's, like, "This is not natural!" 984 00:56:06,905 --> 00:56:09,992 And then you start to rock it. Now you're a psychopath. 985 00:56:10,993 --> 00:56:14,079 Who's the baby? And the dog's, like, "Please, I'm nauseous!" 986 00:56:14,162 --> 00:56:16,999 You're an angel. Who wants kisses, who wants kisses? 987 00:56:17,666 --> 00:56:19,293 The dog doesn't know they're kisses. 988 00:56:19,376 --> 00:56:23,088 All the dog sees are your canine incisors coming at his face. 989 00:56:23,922 --> 00:56:27,885 This tooth right here is what lets him know that you're a fucking carnivore. 990 00:56:29,219 --> 00:56:32,598 Human beings don't get this close to other human beings' faces 991 00:56:32,681 --> 00:56:34,641 unless it's like a UFC weigh-in, like, 992 00:56:34,725 --> 00:56:37,060 "I'm gonna eat you, motherfucker!" That's exactly... 993 00:56:37,144 --> 00:56:39,730 Who's the baby? The dog's, like, "Please put me down!" 994 00:56:39,813 --> 00:56:41,940 Who wants belly kisses? 995 00:56:42,024 --> 00:56:43,317 "Please don't bite my dick!" 996 00:56:46,737 --> 00:56:49,573 It doesn't even occur to you that he might be terrified. 997 00:56:49,656 --> 00:56:51,575 You're, like, "Oh, he loves his mama." 998 00:56:51,658 --> 00:56:52,826 He loves... He loves you? 999 00:56:53,410 --> 00:56:58,624 Next time, notice the Cirque du Soleil stunt your dog is willing to pull... 1000 00:56:58,707 --> 00:57:01,251 to get away from your love. He's, like, 1001 00:57:01,335 --> 00:57:02,878 "I died well!" 1002 00:57:10,510 --> 00:57:12,095 Dog looks up at you. 1003 00:57:12,888 --> 00:57:14,222 Closes his blouse. 1004 00:57:16,516 --> 00:57:20,020 Goes and hides under something he deems impenetrable, 1005 00:57:20,103 --> 00:57:21,813 like a kitchen chair. 1006 00:57:26,318 --> 00:57:29,154 "Yes, from behind these four legs, I will lead the war." 1007 00:57:32,199 --> 00:57:33,742 What's really fucked-up... 1008 00:57:35,410 --> 00:57:36,828 is that ten minutes later... 1009 00:57:38,080 --> 00:57:39,498 the dog has forgotten. 1010 00:57:41,833 --> 00:57:43,877 He's forgotten the broad strokes... 1011 00:57:44,628 --> 00:57:46,380 of the abuse. Here's what he knows. 1012 00:57:47,714 --> 00:57:50,217 He knows something bad... happened. 1013 00:57:51,885 --> 00:57:55,138 He knows... something bad will happen again. 1014 00:57:56,848 --> 00:57:58,308 And again, and again. 1015 00:57:59,476 --> 00:58:02,104 He also knows... that he loves you. 1016 00:58:03,230 --> 00:58:04,648 But he's conflicted. 1017 00:58:05,732 --> 00:58:08,110 Because he knows that the person he loves... 1018 00:58:08,735 --> 00:58:11,196 is the one who's going to make the bad thing happen. 1019 00:58:13,824 --> 00:58:16,410 It's like Stockholm syndrome meets Groundhog Day. 1020 00:58:19,287 --> 00:58:20,998 Here's what's even more fucked-up. 1021 00:58:21,581 --> 00:58:22,874 Ten minutes later... 1022 00:58:23,667 --> 00:58:25,043 you need another hit. 1023 00:58:26,670 --> 00:58:29,047 You're just coming down off your high, 1024 00:58:29,131 --> 00:58:32,467 you're, like, "I gotta go to the grocery store. I've got a callback..." 1025 00:58:32,551 --> 00:58:34,845 Who's the baby? 1026 00:58:35,804 --> 00:58:38,682 This time he doesn't remember. He's, like, "I don't know! 1027 00:58:39,725 --> 00:58:41,810 I don't know. Why don't I remember?" 1028 00:58:41,893 --> 00:58:44,146 You're getting closer. Who's the baby? 1029 00:58:45,063 --> 00:58:46,148 "I don't know." 1030 00:58:46,231 --> 00:58:50,569 The dog's having very blurry flashbacks of teeth, and kisses, and belly rubs. 1031 00:58:50,652 --> 00:58:52,279 It's like Westworld for dogs. 1032 00:58:54,489 --> 00:58:55,782 Who's the baby? 1033 00:58:55,866 --> 00:58:59,578 "I don't know! Leave me alone!" Who's the baby? 1034 00:58:59,661 --> 00:59:01,621 "I don't know! I don't know who the..." 1035 00:59:01,705 --> 00:59:04,875 He looks down at his arm and there's a tattoo that just says... 1036 00:59:05,000 --> 00:59:07,544 "You're the baby." 1037 00:59:09,713 --> 00:59:10,797 You're the baby. 1038 00:59:19,931 --> 00:59:21,183 So, I'm getting married. 1039 00:59:22,726 --> 00:59:26,021 One of the lovely things about the man that I'm marrying is that 1040 00:59:26,104 --> 00:59:29,733 he has never asked me to change anything about myself. 1041 00:59:29,816 --> 00:59:31,693 This is a very weird job. 1042 00:59:31,777 --> 00:59:33,070 We're on a ship. 1043 00:59:33,153 --> 00:59:35,739 I'm telling jokes. Those things don't go together. 1044 00:59:36,990 --> 00:59:41,161 He's always been respectful of my job, he's never asked that I not go, 1045 00:59:41,244 --> 00:59:43,663 not go to work, that I not take a gig. 1046 00:59:44,164 --> 00:59:47,167 The only thing he's ever asked that I not do 1047 00:59:47,250 --> 00:59:50,087 was a couple of weeks ago, we were getting ready for bed, 1048 00:59:50,170 --> 00:59:52,798 and I came out, dressed, and he looked at me and went, 1049 00:59:52,881 --> 00:59:53,840 "Babe. 1050 00:59:54,633 --> 00:59:55,467 Love you. 1051 00:59:58,345 --> 01:00:01,431 Can you not wear men's basketball shorts to bed?" 1052 01:00:04,893 --> 01:00:07,437 And I was, like, "Interesting request. Proceed." 1053 01:00:09,731 --> 01:00:10,899 He goes, "Uh... 1054 01:00:11,525 --> 01:00:13,235 Love you. Think you're beautiful. 1055 01:00:15,028 --> 01:00:18,615 It's just that... I'm not as attracted to you 1056 01:00:18,949 --> 01:00:21,493 and I don't really want to have sex with you... 1057 01:00:21,576 --> 01:00:24,329 when you're in men's basketball shorts." 1058 01:00:25,205 --> 01:00:26,456 I was, like, "Oh... 1059 01:00:26,790 --> 01:00:27,999 that's the idea! 1060 01:00:28,083 --> 01:00:29,626 Thanks for the ring, fucker!" 1061 01:00:47,394 --> 01:00:49,729 He's sitting in the back, like, "We fuck. I mean..." 1062 01:00:53,817 --> 01:00:56,319 My dad's also here so that was a weird take, so... 1063 01:00:59,239 --> 01:01:03,869 A big part of getting married is you have to buy a wedding dress. 1064 01:01:03,952 --> 01:01:07,747 And this is just one more milestone in our lives as women 1065 01:01:07,831 --> 01:01:10,625 where other women don't clue us in 1066 01:01:10,709 --> 01:01:13,670 on how terrible it actually is. 1067 01:01:13,753 --> 01:01:17,924 We say we're girls' girls and feminists, but none of us, like, give the truth 1068 01:01:18,008 --> 01:01:19,259 about girl things. 1069 01:01:19,342 --> 01:01:23,305 We act like it's sugar and spice, I keep my cereals in canisters like a psycho, 1070 01:01:23,388 --> 01:01:25,223 I'm doing it, yoga. Okay. 1071 01:01:26,099 --> 01:01:28,185 Everything, every big thing in a woman's life. 1072 01:01:28,268 --> 01:01:31,021 Oh, you had your period? Welcome to being a woman. 1073 01:01:31,104 --> 01:01:34,399 There's no homegirl, like, "You're gonna wanna rip out your ovaries, 1074 01:01:34,482 --> 01:01:36,735 and hate your body, and you're gonna cry. 1075 01:01:36,818 --> 01:01:40,322 You're gonna want a lot of chocolate. Probably not even go to school. 1076 01:01:40,405 --> 01:01:43,116 Your skin's gonna break out. Welcome to womanhood. Get in the game." 1077 01:01:43,200 --> 01:01:44,618 They don't say that, okay? 1078 01:01:45,911 --> 01:01:48,496 You're having a baby? Oh, it's so beautiful. 1079 01:01:48,580 --> 01:01:50,248 "Come here. You're gonna shit yourself. 1080 01:01:52,626 --> 01:01:55,962 Then society's gonna judge you 'cause you didn't get your body back like that." 1081 01:01:59,424 --> 01:02:01,801 "You're getting a wedding dress? Oh, it's so magical. 1082 01:02:02,469 --> 01:02:04,554 So magical. You show up. 1083 01:02:04,971 --> 01:02:06,514 It's so magical. You show up. 1084 01:02:06,598 --> 01:02:09,309 Your mother is there. She doesn't tell you you look tired. 1085 01:02:10,936 --> 01:02:14,773 You've lost so much weight, every dress just cascades off of you. 1086 01:02:14,856 --> 01:02:18,568 A modeling coach walks by and says, 'She's too beautiful for the runway.' 1087 01:02:18,652 --> 01:02:21,613 You stand there. Your best friends are there, and they... 1088 01:02:21,696 --> 01:02:23,323 And none of them are jealous. 1089 01:02:23,406 --> 01:02:27,202 And a dove brings you the perfect silken... and it just..." 1090 01:02:27,285 --> 01:02:30,956 No. It's you standing there at a dress shop in West Hollywood 1091 01:02:31,039 --> 01:02:33,583 with your mom on FaceTime asking you how FaceTime works. 1092 01:02:33,667 --> 01:02:36,127 Just use the button! Ask somebody near you! 1093 01:02:36,211 --> 01:02:38,797 There's some Russian seamstress at the bottom, like, 1094 01:02:38,922 --> 01:02:41,424 "Your hips are too wide for this cut. You should not try it on." 1095 01:02:42,467 --> 01:02:45,637 Then you go eat Chick-fil-A. Like, that's buying a wedding dress. 1096 01:02:46,638 --> 01:02:49,140 So, I was trying on wedding dresses, and I figured 1097 01:02:49,224 --> 01:02:51,226 I should go with a big princess dress, 1098 01:02:51,309 --> 01:02:55,230 because that's the chance to wear it, so I put it on, and I come out... 1099 01:02:56,606 --> 01:02:59,317 and I realize, if that's the kind of dress you wear, 1100 01:02:59,401 --> 01:03:03,238 if you extrapolate your wedding dress from the actual day... 1101 01:03:03,863 --> 01:03:05,573 you're dressed like a lunatic. 1102 01:03:07,492 --> 01:03:11,329 For, like, deeply disturbing psychological reasons. 1103 01:03:11,413 --> 01:03:13,456 You're, like, "I'm a pretty princess. 1104 01:03:15,458 --> 01:03:19,546 I'm a pr... "No, you're Gaby, and you work in HR. You are not a pr... 1105 01:03:19,629 --> 01:03:21,840 "No, I'm a pretty princess." 1106 01:03:21,923 --> 01:03:26,219 And all of your maids have to agree with you, like, "Yes, fairest of all." 1107 01:03:27,512 --> 01:03:31,433 "I'm a pr... I'm a ballerina princess! 'Cause I've got Arena shoes. 1108 01:03:31,516 --> 01:03:34,144 'Cause I'm Daddy's ballerina. I'm a pretty princess. 1109 01:03:34,227 --> 01:03:36,354 Bring me Snow White's heart on a platter." 1110 01:03:44,487 --> 01:03:48,908 So I'm trying all different dresses, and there's this weird phenomenon with women, 1111 01:03:48,992 --> 01:03:51,494 when you try on more than three articles of clothing. 1112 01:03:51,578 --> 01:03:53,872 There is no fourth. You just start crying. 1113 01:03:54,622 --> 01:03:57,667 There's something about incandescent lighting hitting your fat cells 1114 01:03:57,751 --> 01:04:00,378 that actually makes them multiply on the spot. 1115 01:04:00,462 --> 01:04:04,299 You get angry. Do you ever do this move where you hit your fat, hoping to pop it? 1116 01:04:04,382 --> 01:04:07,510 It doesn't. It just leaves a bruise, then you can't wear shorts. So... 1117 01:04:08,386 --> 01:04:12,223 I started to get upset and I did the mistake that all women do. 1118 01:04:12,307 --> 01:04:15,268 I started to get angry about something on my body I couldn't control. 1119 01:04:15,352 --> 01:04:16,895 Every girl's got a thing 1120 01:04:16,978 --> 01:04:19,856 that she hates about herself that's impossible to change. 1121 01:04:19,939 --> 01:04:21,941 For me, I don't like how tall I am. 1122 01:04:22,567 --> 01:04:25,153 That makes it sound like I'm tall. I wish I were taller. 1123 01:04:26,404 --> 01:04:30,700 So tall. To you, like, "She's so tall." 'Cause I'm this big on your TV. 1124 01:04:30,784 --> 01:04:32,869 But I am 5'5". 1125 01:04:32,952 --> 01:04:34,496 And it kills me. 1126 01:04:35,330 --> 01:04:39,834 It's not short enough that... "Do you shop at Gap Kids? You're so petite!" 1127 01:04:39,918 --> 01:04:40,794 No. 1128 01:04:40,877 --> 01:04:44,798 And it's not tall enough that people assume I'm a natural athlete. 1129 01:04:44,881 --> 01:04:46,508 I'm just this average... 1130 01:04:46,591 --> 01:04:47,717 5'5"... 1131 01:04:47,801 --> 01:04:51,763 member of the proletariat marching to pick a size 7 shoe. 1132 01:04:51,846 --> 01:04:52,764 Like, it's just... 1133 01:04:54,766 --> 01:04:57,394 Anytime you tell another woman what you don't like about yourself, 1134 01:04:57,477 --> 01:04:58,937 they never let you say it. 1135 01:04:59,020 --> 01:05:00,772 Oh, I'd kill to have your hair. 1136 01:05:00,855 --> 01:05:03,691 I'd kill to have your beak, I love your feathers. It's like... 1137 01:05:06,653 --> 01:05:11,533 So, I'm sitting there, getting ready to pick out a dress for my wedding, 1138 01:05:11,616 --> 01:05:12,617 and I was angry. 1139 01:05:12,700 --> 01:05:15,954 That's not an emotion you want to attach... to your wedding. 1140 01:05:16,037 --> 01:05:19,791 I started to feel sad, and, for me, when I get upset about something, 1141 01:05:19,874 --> 01:05:22,961 I attach it to literally everything else in my life. 1142 01:05:23,044 --> 01:05:24,129 And it spirals. 1143 01:05:24,212 --> 01:05:27,424 It's not about the dress, it's about how I feel about the dress, 1144 01:05:27,507 --> 01:05:31,136 it's how I feel about me, I'll marry my dog, we'll live in the woods! 1145 01:05:31,219 --> 01:05:33,221 Like, it just goes, like that. 1146 01:05:34,180 --> 01:05:37,016 Started to get real angry about my body 'cause it wasn't fitting perfectly 1147 01:05:37,100 --> 01:05:38,893 into the right dress that I wanted. 1148 01:05:38,977 --> 01:05:41,688 I stopped and was, like, "If I'm feeling this way right now, 1149 01:05:41,771 --> 01:05:43,940 there's gotta be other women who feel this way." 1150 01:05:44,023 --> 01:05:48,153 So I'm going to say this 'cause I wish I'd given myself this pep talk that day. 1151 01:05:48,445 --> 01:05:49,279 Here's the truth. 1152 01:05:49,362 --> 01:05:51,906 Girls, your bodies are perfect... 1153 01:05:52,323 --> 01:05:53,158 and normal... 1154 01:05:53,575 --> 01:05:55,952 and functional... and beautiful. 1155 01:05:56,494 --> 01:05:59,414 There's always one girl in back with a horn. "What about me?" 1156 01:05:59,497 --> 01:06:00,582 No. 1157 01:06:01,499 --> 01:06:02,417 Not you! 1158 01:06:03,501 --> 01:06:04,377 Shave it. 1159 01:06:05,879 --> 01:06:06,880 Quit following me. 1160 01:06:09,549 --> 01:06:13,720 But we've been brainwashed into trying to live up to this Instagram Photoshop 1161 01:06:13,803 --> 01:06:15,388 example of what beauty is. 1162 01:06:15,472 --> 01:06:17,724 And some girls do look like that. Fuck them. 1163 01:06:17,807 --> 01:06:21,394 No, some girls do. There's always something you don't like. 1164 01:06:21,478 --> 01:06:23,271 We have to stop faulting ourselves 1165 01:06:23,354 --> 01:06:25,148 for things that are very normal. 1166 01:06:25,231 --> 01:06:28,443 "I've got cellulite. What if he doesn't want to have sex with me 1167 01:06:28,526 --> 01:06:30,153 'cause I have cellulite?" 1168 01:06:30,236 --> 01:06:33,656 Well, 100% of women have some form of cellulite. 1169 01:06:33,740 --> 01:06:36,367 If he doesn't want to fuck you 'cause you got cellulite, 1170 01:06:36,493 --> 01:06:38,411 he'd better start fucking dudes, 'cause... 1171 01:06:40,079 --> 01:06:42,499 there's no other option till the robots take over. 1172 01:06:44,250 --> 01:06:47,212 Moreover, he doesn't want to have that conversation. 1173 01:06:47,629 --> 01:06:49,380 A guy doesn't find it attractive 1174 01:06:49,464 --> 01:06:52,467 when you verbalize over and over how much you hate something. 1175 01:06:52,550 --> 01:06:54,344 "But my cellulite? I showed it to you." 1176 01:06:54,427 --> 01:06:57,430 Look at that. I'll make a face out of it." He doesn't... 1177 01:06:57,514 --> 01:06:59,807 The conversation he wants to have is the following. 1178 01:06:59,891 --> 01:07:00,975 "Let me ask you a question. 1179 01:07:01,684 --> 01:07:04,812 Are you going to continue to breathe during intercourse?" 1180 01:07:06,022 --> 01:07:08,274 You're, like, "Yeah, I was planning on it." 1181 01:07:08,358 --> 01:07:09,859 He's, like, "Then we're cool. 1182 01:07:12,362 --> 01:07:13,780 That holds up in court... 1183 01:07:16,241 --> 01:07:17,158 I found out." 1184 01:07:18,826 --> 01:07:21,454 But I've got this, and chub, and I don't like my arms. 1185 01:07:21,538 --> 01:07:24,624 And I have stretch marks, from growing from an infant! 1186 01:07:27,001 --> 01:07:31,130 And I don't want to be this hand-holding, like, "Every woman is perfect." 1187 01:07:31,214 --> 01:07:34,050 Look, you might not be perfect, okay. 1188 01:07:34,133 --> 01:07:36,928 I'm not here to judge that, if you're not, if you are. 1189 01:07:37,011 --> 01:07:40,557 What I say is it's up to you to decide how much you love your body. 1190 01:07:40,640 --> 01:07:43,685 Fuck everybody else. Don't fuck them... Not literally. But... 1191 01:07:44,394 --> 01:07:46,563 if it makes you feel good! It probably won't. 1192 01:07:47,814 --> 01:07:51,317 It's up for you to decide, because we get so upset, and you know what? 1193 01:07:51,901 --> 01:07:55,405 The guy you like probably isn't even going to notice the thing you hate. 1194 01:07:55,488 --> 01:07:56,781 Most people won't. 1195 01:07:56,864 --> 01:07:57,740 Men won't. 1196 01:07:57,824 --> 01:08:01,953 Most of the things, a guy is not going to notice. They're not that observant. 1197 01:08:03,496 --> 01:08:05,790 40% of men can only see three colors. 1198 01:08:08,793 --> 01:08:11,546 40% of the men here don't know that that's red. 1199 01:08:13,339 --> 01:08:14,966 Notice it's a hollow laugh. 1200 01:08:16,718 --> 01:08:19,178 40% of the men are, like, "Hah! Oh, fuck. 1201 01:08:23,099 --> 01:08:24,517 Siri, what is red?" 1202 01:08:28,104 --> 01:08:32,483 And, again, you might have a perfect body. You might not have a great body. 1203 01:08:32,567 --> 01:08:34,736 I don't know what you got under that tarp. 1204 01:08:34,819 --> 01:08:38,990 You could have... blown out the whole region with a bad wax strip, I don't know. 1205 01:08:40,116 --> 01:08:43,161 But I do know is this. Whatever you have as a woman, 1206 01:08:43,244 --> 01:08:45,455 whatever your body looks like, girls. 1207 01:08:45,830 --> 01:08:47,665 However bad you think it is 1208 01:08:47,749 --> 01:08:50,710 pales in comparison to the look 1209 01:08:50,793 --> 01:08:53,630 of 100% of... 1210 01:08:54,339 --> 01:08:55,256 scrotums! 1211 01:08:56,716 --> 01:08:57,842 What is that? 1212 01:08:58,593 --> 01:09:00,386 What the fuck is that? 1213 01:09:02,639 --> 01:09:05,975 Why is this not the topic of every State of the Union address? 1214 01:09:06,726 --> 01:09:09,937 Why is this... how come... my thighs can't touch, 1215 01:09:10,021 --> 01:09:14,150 but you have two dead baby birds, hanging. 1216 01:09:16,277 --> 01:09:18,321 Sir, bat-like. Hanging. 1217 01:09:19,614 --> 01:09:23,076 Sometimes so low, they're in the toilet water. 1218 01:09:24,202 --> 01:09:25,078 Hanging. 1219 01:09:27,038 --> 01:09:30,958 Every guy here is laughing, smiling, or not making eye contact with me. 1220 01:09:33,378 --> 01:09:37,256 Because it's never occurred to men to question their bodies. 1221 01:09:37,340 --> 01:09:40,968 Every guy is, like, "Why wouldn't you want this on your face for free?" 1222 01:09:43,262 --> 01:09:45,848 If we are to move forward as women, as feminists, 1223 01:09:45,932 --> 01:09:51,020 we need to decide we won't be shamed for what our bodies look naturally either. 1224 01:09:51,104 --> 01:09:54,732 And just so you know, gentlemen. It's something that we tolerate. 1225 01:09:54,816 --> 01:09:57,318 But it's not something that we fantasize about. 1226 01:09:58,319 --> 01:10:01,322 It's just the way it is, so we never really question it. 1227 01:10:01,406 --> 01:10:04,784 But no woman growing up was, like, "This is my Backstreet Boys poster. 1228 01:10:04,867 --> 01:10:05,827 This is NSYNC. 1229 01:10:05,910 --> 01:10:08,079 And this is a nut sack!" Like, none of us! 1230 01:10:11,249 --> 01:10:14,377 It's hideous and, I'll tell you something else, it's a little traumatizing. 1231 01:10:15,211 --> 01:10:17,130 'Cause we put effort into the way we look. 1232 01:10:17,213 --> 01:10:19,799 And we're sitting in bed, waiting for you to come out, 1233 01:10:19,882 --> 01:10:23,052 just like you have every night, and you come out the bathroom naked. 1234 01:10:23,136 --> 01:10:26,389 You look at us, and we look at you, like, "Oh, god, there it is." 1235 01:10:27,682 --> 01:10:30,518 Who's the baby? 1236 01:10:30,977 --> 01:10:34,772 Thank you so much for coming out tonight to have a good time. Thank you. 1237 01:11:11,601 --> 01:11:13,603 [upbeat dance music plays] 1238 01:11:15,354 --> 01:11:18,649 ♪ I can't be stopped no more Finding what I came for ♪ 1239 01:11:25,448 --> 01:11:27,450 ♪ I can't be stopped no more ♪ 1240 01:11:33,956 --> 01:11:35,958 ♪ I can't be stopped no more ♪ 1241 01:11:42,507 --> 01:11:44,509 ♪ Finding what I came for ♪