So, this is my senior year of high school.
I've spent the last four years with a bunch of horny football players and, uh
sex-obsessed teenagers.
So I figured I'd find out what the big deal was.
I was 19.
I was 17.
Seventeen.
I think I was 16.
Fourteen.
Ah, we went for about 45 minutes the first go, yeah.
Um, not very long.
About threes minutes, actually.
I was so damn scared I put my condom on before I took off my pants.
It wasn't that great, honestly.
It was kinda embarrassing and we didn't know what parts went in where.
And unfortunately it was the worst experience of my life.
It lasted three seconds, there was no magic, and his mother walked in on us.
We were on a bed and we were making out and stuff.
Then she went down, came up, and then I looked up
and she turned around and there was a room full of people watching us.
She grabbed her vodka, she screamed, and she bolted out the door.
Last time I ever talked to her.
(Katlyn) So wait a second, did you actually make love to her?
Yeah. Well, I made love to her face.
I think I made it into this big thing and then I was disappointed
because it wasn't what I thought it was going to be.
Well, my first time's gonna be with Stanford, of course.
It's gonna be really romantic.
We'll light candles and we'll play some French music
and he'll pick me up and carry me to the bed
and we'll just like, fall into each other
and have the most amazing connection.
Like, be in total sync with one another.
Ow! Franklin? Will you watch it?
Yeah, sorry.
Helen, you okay?
I'm fine.
All right.
Look, he wants you. Screw the speculative romance crap and just do it already.
Chase! I just don't think you should rush into anything.
I mean, it's your first time, it should be special, you know. Like, plan it out.
I know, but...
What's there to plan? Condoms, lube, room.
I meant be emotionally prepared so you don't regret anything.
I am. I think.
Look, everyone's first time sucks. That's why next party I go to
I'm finding the hottest, drunkest guy I can and just getting it over with.
I'm gonna be in New York next year.
That is such a slut-bag thing to do.
Exactly.
Look, all I'm saying is you should just do it.
Why?
That's why.
It's good.
They're just friends.
Yeah, you know, I stretch with my friends like that all the time.
Whatever.
(coach) Let's hit those dummies, boys!
I hear she likes it rough, Frankie boy.
(coach) Skeets, let's leave the doll playing for home.
C'mon.
Ah, you sexy beast.
Freak.
She's all yours, buddy.
Wait, wait.
Ah, right.
We should plan this better.
Okay, yes, let's, uh, let's plan away then.
Well, Saturday my dad's finally out of the house.
Saturday? Okay, yeah. Saturday's good.
Say 7: 30?
Yes. 7: 30, Saturday. Done.
Okay.
Okay. I gotta go, all right?
Hey, I heard Hannah doesn't shower after practice.
You mean cheerleader Hannah?
Yeah.
She's nice
but she probably wears the same underwear for like a week straight.
I just thought you should know.
Well, I don't know, you guys were just pretty close when stretching earlier.
Oh, babe, come on. We're just... we're just friends. You know that.
Yeah, okay.
All right. I gotta go.
- Okay. - All right.
Bye, babe.
Bye.
Bye, Dad. I'm off to Chase's.
Hey, could you come in here for a second?
I was gonna kiss you goodbye.
Oh, my God. Dad?
Look, as your parent
I feel it's my responsibility to at least discuss this stuff with you.
Dad, I'm almost 18. I don't need to hear this from you.
This is a female contraceptive.
It goes, um, in.
My God.
It's got no hormonal side effects.
Uh, it's doctor recommended, and you've got to use it six hours
before the, uh, event occurs.
I'm leaving. Bye! Thank you for another painful childhood memory.
Hey, will you come here? You think you're embarrassed?
I had to go down to the pharmacy and actually buy this shit.
Anyway, this is the vaginal contraceptive film.
I did not know this product existed until about five hours ago.
Dad, this is even more embarrassing than the time you brought me Maxi-Pads to school.
Super Maxi-Pads!
I didn't know what size to get.
How was I supposed to know there were different sizes?
Nobody talks about that stuff.
Anyway, this is the cap.
Also known as the, uh, diaphragm.
You take this gel and
it kills the guy's... spunk.
Dad, I don't think I could ever have sex after hearing this from you.
Good. So you haven't?
Bye!
Oh, hey, don't forget the old standby, the condom.
Make him wear two of these. At least two!
Well, that went well.
Gentlemen, we have earned a right of passage.
The Buccaneer Bang Book.
Between these covers, lay our virgins.
And we know what to do with them, yes?
C'mon, Skeetâs. I mean, Isn't this whole thing like a big superstition, really?
Wha...? A-a superstition?
What happens in these pages
symbolizes what happens out on that football field.
It unites us men for a single cause.
Need I remind you of what happened in 1979?
They went down as the biggest losers our school has ever seen.
Now, we can ether be a bunch of cock block losers
or we can have history remember us as winners!
You pick.
I pick winners.
Wow, thank you, Marco.
Now, let's start the show.
The man who started it all.
To you Pete, we owe everything.
Now, let's get to our virgins.
Trish Van Doren.
I get Trish Van Doren, 'cause she's hot, okay?
And I know she's always had a thing for me, so.
- Franklin, buddy? - Yeah?
Hey, I'm giving you Katlyn Chase, okay? Now, she's a freak.
She's a freak in, in what way?
Just, you know, help her with her video equipment.
Marco? Condoms.
[All groan in disgust]
Marco! Hey, you get Hagatha.
But she's so "fugly"!
No, no, no, no. Hey, hey, "fugly" is the new pretty. Okay? Suck it up.
Scar, you get Sabrina. Now, she has total nympho potential, you'll be into that.
Time to make her dreams come true.
Condoms.
Okay. And Stanford, buddy, I mean, I trust you and Helen are on course?
Uh, yeah. We're all set for this Saturday night.
Good. At least one of you ladies is making progress.
Marco, give the man some condoms.
Thank you.
Now, for the rest of you boys: Morgan, Amy
Ashley, Steph, and Maria.
All right, let's bring it in, boys.
One, two, three. [Cheer and chant]
[School bell rings]
Who can tell me what else the Greeks invented. Trish?
Um, money?
Yes. Sabrina?
Greek salad.
I suppose. Amy?
Democracy.
Sure. What else? Yes, Skeets?
Hand-to-gland combat.
Exactly the answer I was looking for.
Although people have been masturbating since, well, forever
It was the Greeks that were much more open to the idea of self-pleasure.
So much so that they invented this.
It's called an olisbos.
It helped give women the power to orgasm while their men were away at war.
So, basically, Greek women realized that you don't need a guy to get off.
It also helped curb what they thought were destructive thoughts.
Hot.
Men used them for pleasure as well.
Skeets!
Which takes us to our next play. Lysistrata.
The tale of a group of women who withhold sex
until the men in their society end their childish war.
[Bell ringing]
And if you enjoy this play, be sure to stop by Booklet.
Say "hi," I'll even give you my employee discount.
(Katlyn) Hey, you guys remember your first one?
What, my first orgasm?
Ooh. God, I've had so many since. Um, let's see.
You've never had an orgasm, have you?
No, I mean, I think I have.
It's okay if you haven't.
It's not really a think kind of thing. It's more you have or you haven't.
I think I was like five and I was at the supermarket
and they had one of those horses, you know, that you put quarters into.
I was just sitting on it and it started vibrating and, I don't know, I mean
all I knew is that I'd never felt anything that felt that good.
Oh, my God. That's why you were always on those things.
What?
Mine happened at night. I was 12.
And I had these really rough sheets that got twisted in between my legs.
I had no idea what it was at first and it really freaked me out
but then it started to feel really good.
Well, you know, whatever, because after this Saturday
when Stanford and I have the house to ourselves, I will.
Um, not necessarily.
Trish has a point, but, luckily, you know, there are many other things you can use.
Um, washing machine, feathers, carrots, uh, cucumber.
Basically anything you can put in a salad.
Shower head.
Guys...
Guys work, too.
Enough!
Hey! Oh, um, I want to show you guys this.
I just took this video of this guy the other day. It's ridiculous.
My first time was with this ugly chess club chick.
But, hey, I got in the book, so who cares, right? I knighted her queen.
Book? What does he mean, "I got in the book?"
That's a myth.
[Bell ringing]
You know, you can change your mind about Saturday.
I think that Stanford would understand.
I don't wanna change my mind. I'm ready.
Guess what?
You stuck M&M's up your nose and now you need help getting them out?
Ha! No! She's going through with it.
Thank God. Happy Birthday.
(Franklin) Chase. Ladles.
Frankie.
But my birthday isn't for three months.
Just open lt.
[Laughing] Nice.
What is it?
It's a vibrator.
You plug it into your i-Pod and it, you know, vibrates
to the beat and intensity of the song.
You should pick a song with a lot of bass.
- Oh, shit! - What? - Oh, my God.
- When did those two become an item? - I have no idea.
What?
Um, I think it was the standard missionary position.
You know, I mean, you don't wanna get too adventurous on your first time having sex.
Ah, missionary style. You know, kept it simple, kept it basic.
Standing up, actually. Which was quite hard to do.
We tried one that is called the wheelbarrow.
We did somethin' that she called froggy style, which I had never heard of.
Quite interesting.
I guess, me on top, what is that? Cowboy? Cowgirl?
Hi, Chase.
Hi, Franklin.
You need any help with anything?
Uh, no. I'm good.
All right.
Cool. What's your documentary on?
Um, it's about the first time people have sex.
Really?
Yeah.
I'm kinda into that, yeah.
You're a guy and you're into sex. Shocker.
Hey, you know, Chase, sometimes people say things, you know.
They think you're kinda freaky and odd.
You might be friends with Satan.
But I wanted to seriously let you know that I think you're cool.
I think you're really cool, actually.
Well, uh, since that was only mildly insulting, thanks.
Yeah, no problem.
You know, since you're, uh, around
you could, uh, help me carry this stuff to the audio closet.
Yeah, no problem.
Yeah, okay, sure. Uh, this stuff here?
Yeah.
So all your stuff looks, like, really good?
Yeah.
N ice. Here.
What are you doing?
Um, I was kissing you. You know, I've had a thing for you for a long, long time.
And I thought maybe you would wanna kiss me back.
Wanna do it again?
Where are you going to school next year?
Arizona.
Nowhere near New York?
No, no, no, no, no.
Okay.
That feels good. Really.
Oh! Oh.
What?
You really got a hold of me there.
Don't you think maybe we should, you know, we should slow down
or maybe go on a date first or something like other people do?
Franklin?
Yeah.
Let's not make this more than it is.
Yeah. Um...
C'mon.
No.
[Whispers] What?
Maybe I should just, uh...
Come on, look.
I mean, you're the one who wanted to do this.
Not like this though.
I'm sorry.
If you tell anyone, I'll kick your ass.
Great, Chase. Real nice!
[Humming]
Dad, it's ten to seven, what are you doing?
I'll give you three guesses.
Rhymes with "maving." You need in here?
No. Aren't you supposed to be at U uncle Jack's watching the fight?
It's just the prelims. The big fight doesn't start until ten.
But sometimes those are the best ones.
Since when have you become such a big fight fan?
I just don't want you to miss it.
You okay?
Yes! I'm fine.
Did you, uh, get those brochures I left in your room?
Dad, will you stop giving me those? I'm not going.
Hey, those are all good schools.
And they're very close to here and they have excellent French programs.
Every bit as good as that Sorbonne school you wanna go to.
Dad, I'm going to Paris. I'm staying with mom. End of discussion.
After college. Or after you get your master's degree, even better.
Would ya look at that?
Can't believe you fell for that again.
What are you doing tonight?
Nothing special.
[Pop music]
We did it in her, uh, in her bedroom, right next to her parents' room.
In a cornfield.
We did it in his mom's living room on the couch.
I actually didn't make love, yet.
Locker rooms, yeah.
On the bed. It's the first time, you know, so you start off a little slow.
It's none of your fucking business.
It happened in the sink of a guy's bathroom after a game.
I told him to bring protection, he actually wore a helmet.
Anyway, a minute and a half later, he was my first. I got him in.
Sorry, in what?
The book. The boys won the championship that year. Are we done? I gotta go.
Um, hey, what book are you talking about?
You know what book. I mean, you are the girls who are still in it.
No check marks next to your names, letting down the entire team, yeah.
Hey, look, just because you're sleeping with the entire team
gives you no right to judge my friends and I, okay?
Yeah, well, maybe if you stopped hiding behind that camera you'd actually get some.
You bitch!
Chase, stop.
Why do you care so much, anyway?
My cheerleading season ends when football season ends.
Playoffs are when the scouts come out to watch your routines
and I need a scholarship to get into school next year.
So stop being so selfish and just lose it already.
Screw you, cheerleader!
Okay, we have to call Helen right away and tell her it's just about the book.
Hi.
HI.
How are ya?
I'm good.
Yeah?
[Telephone rings]
Uh, wanna get that?
No.
No? Okay.
She picking up?
- No. We just have to go to her house. Come on. - All right, let's go.
Aren't you gonna carry me to the bed?
Oh, yeah, of course.
I'm sorry.
Is she picking up?
No. God, what is the point in having a cell phone if you don't pick it up?
Have you tried texting her?
I'm texting her right now.
Wait, one second.
It's Trish.
Okay.
You okay?
Yes, I'm fine.
You're beautiful.
Oh, wait, wait, wait. One second, one second. Hold on, hold on.
Heart candles.
Okay. Yeah.
Sorry.
It's okay. It's okay.
If she has sex before I do, I swear...
Keep going, keep going, come on, a little bit faster.
I'm trying. You know, the car only goes so fast. Shit!
Keep driving. If we can't make it fast enough, then maybe somebody else can.
Just call 911 or something. I don't know.
- Oh, wait wait wait wait. Uh, music. - Okay.
- French music. - Yeah.
I want this to be perfect.
Okay.
Sorry.
It's okay. It's all right.
You know what? Let me, uh, let me get on top.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
So...
Oh.
Oh, yeah.
So, you know, like
what do you like?
What do you mean?
Are you up for anything or...
Yeah, anything would be great.
[Gasps] Oh, my God.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Watch out, red light. You're gonna kill us!
Is it bleeding?
Not yet.
No? Okay. It's good.
Don't worry about it. It's fine, it's fine. No, it's fine, don't worry.
[Laughs]
Did-did you bring protection?
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Got it.
[Shouts]
Oh, shit.
You guys all right in here? Where's the fire?
What?
There's no fire. If there was we'd know.
My dad has sprinklers installed everywhere.
Yeah, I know. We called him, he's on his way.
What? Oh, God!
I'll call you later, all right?
Bye. I'll call you. Um, Yeah. We'll do this again.
- Bye. - Bye.
You girls are crazy. I can't believe you called 911.
It was an emergency!
We told you the book was real.
Chase, you've never even seen it, okay? You two are jealous or something.
You know, you're supposed to heat that stuff up, by the way, before you eat lt.
And, no thanks. You know, we almost died on the way over here trying to help you.
Okay, I'm sorry for that, but by the way
I haven't eaten in three days getting ready for Stanford to see me naked, okay?
And you two just ruined the most important night of my life.
You'll thank us for this later.
For an imaginary book Stanford's not even a part of? I'm sorry.
Go upstairs, get dressed, and I will show you that the imaginary book is real.
No!
Go!
How do you even know what we're looking for?
All she said was that X marks the spot and we'd know it when we saw it.
She's so full of crap.
You guys, you guys, stop. This is it.
[Whispers] Oh, my God.
Hang on, let's flip to our year.
What did I tell you, man?
Ladies and gentlemen, the bang book.
Here we go.
Oh, there's Stanford.
Stanford's not that type of guy.
He's a guy. They're all that type.
Oh, Chase, you've been selected by Franklin.
I wouldn't even do him if I was drunk.
At least you don't have Skeets. Oh, my God, Hagatha is next to Marco.
That's what that was about.
And there's a check mark, too.
And Hannah said this is all about a football superstition?
Yeah.
This can't be happening.
Hey.
I know.
Deep breaths, okay?
I can get through this. Yeah.
Let's take a stand. Let's make a pact.
Yeah.
No sex until they destroy this book.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, let's not get too hasty there. Why don't we just torch it right now?
- 'Cause they'll just make another book. - Oh, okay.
We need to teach these guys a lesson.
Yes. I'm with you, absolutely.
All right, I'm in. Let's give these guys a taste of their own medicine.
It's payback time.
[Door opens]
Shit. Put that away. Put that away, away, away.
What do you mean you got a plan?
Listen, I have a plan, okay?
What's your plan, to be an idiot?
God.
Trust me, man, once a woman tastes a man's nectar, she's his forever.
It's something to do with the chemical composition of spooge. It's nature, man I
How you gonna do that though?
I'm not gonna reveal my secrets to you.
Well, all I know is tonight was definitely a bust.
Hey, what if we, ya know, don't get into the book?
Not another word, spanky.
Yeah, sorry.
[Farts]
Oh, nice one, Dumpelstiltskin.
Oh, no, that wasn't me, man.
Well, it wasn't me, either.
Oh, yeah, right, you ghostfarters, man up.
How red were her lips?
I don't know. I mean, she was wearing lipstick.
Dude, it's cultural anthropology 101. It's a primal animal thing.
When a woman puts on lipstick up here, she's really mimicking her other, ya know.
Wah wah wee wee.
(Trish) They're gonna hear us.
Hey, you shake it more than twice, you're just playing with it, dude.
Yeah, I'd actually claim that.
[Farts]
I'm so sorry, you guys. I never fart. I swear.
Bullshit.
Come on.
[Farts] I-I gotta go. I'll be...
Take care of your shit. We'll meet you in the hallway.
[Guys call out girls' names]
â« Let's get away Just you and me â«
â« Let's get away Let's laugh and play â«
â« Just feeling free â«
â« Come on let's move And mount to the moon â«
â« Like lovers do â«
â« Dance until dawn We'll watch the sun up here â«
Okay.
We saw the book. It's real.
Now, we all have to be strong together for a single cause.
And that cause is, destroying the book and everything it stands for.
The way to do it? Don't have sex with any guy until the football season's over.
(girls) What?
Yes, Sabrina.
I know everything with this book is crazy
and I can only speak for myself here.
But I wanna lose my virginity, badly.
Of course!
But you don't want your first time to be with some guy
that's using you to get his name in a stupid book.
Yeah, I mean think of the stuff that guys put us through over the years.
And for what?
So we can be sitting around the phone for hours just waiting for them to call?
I mean, do we really have to consider this?
When a guy sleeps with a million girls, he's some big man on campus.
And we do and we get called sluts. We have to take a stand.
Yes, Sabrina.
Just so I'm clear, blowjobs are in the gray area.
We're gonna need some help.
Are you guys sure we're in the right place?
Tween Gaia worship. They're hooking them while they're young now.
What's Gaia?
It's like witchcraft or something.
It's actually a good read.
I was hoping someone from class would come visit, but I'm glad it's you three.
Uh, some of us heard that there's some kind of a place?
Like a back room of some sort?
Back room?
Yeah, you know, like, back room.
The room in the back, the... I'm just gonna stop talking now.
Oh.
Follow me.
It's not exactly a back room.
It's more of a secret garden.
A place for goddess worship.
Sit down, sisters.
Thank you.
Sit.
[Sighs]
Now, tell me. This is about the boys and football, isn't it?
Well, beware.
They will say anything
do anything in order to have you.
They will dress nice. Smell good.
They might write you a poem, or serenade you.
They might even say "I love you."
But let me explain one thing to you.
One thing that you need to understand with every fiber of your being.
The power of the pussy.
Excuse me?
The power of the pussy.
Okay, that's what I thought you said.
In prehistory, women's power of creation was held above all else.
Only through sex could men hope to glimpse the higher power.
The life force that naturally flows through women.
We are the mothers, the creators
the controllers of our relationships.
This is why you are here today.
To know the power of the pussy.
Now let us hold hands and chant.
[Chanting] We are women, givers of life
mothers of earth.
We give birth. We are women.
Creation is ours.
Our monthly blood flow gives us the power.
The power of the pussy, the pussy, the pussy.
The power of the pussy.
Ah! Feel the power.
Is anyone else totally weirded out by what just happened in there?
Yeah, just a little bit.
Are you guys crazy? That was amazing! Please, come on. You loved it.
- You're insane, Chase! - You loved it. - You're weird!
Helen!
Well, what do you think of this bad boy?
What is that?
What's it look like? A toilet.
You wanted your own bathroom in your room. Now you're gonna get it.
I wanted this years ago. It's too late now.
What are you talking about? I'll have it in the closet by Friday.
Dad, why are you doing this? It isn't fair!
So, let me get this straight. You don't want your own bathroom?
Yes, I did, when I was 12.
I'm almost 18 now and I'm moving out.
Also, did I mention you're gonna get your own entrance?
I, uh, I'm gonna put in some stairs and a door right here.
This way you can come and go as you please.
Oh, and by the way, no curfew as soon as you turn 18.
Dad, you're not doing this for me, you're doing this for you.
I thought you were worried about me leaving, but you're just afraid of being alone.
Okay, obviously you're not in the mood to talk about this right now.
Get a dog!
Dad!
What?
Will you get this toilet out of my room?
I can get a different seat.
Out!
(Franklin) I've got the theme to our closing season party.
Pirate night. You know?
'Cause we're the buccaneers. And plates are awesome.
It's a wheel right now. It's not gonna be done. I'm gonna need a little more help.
But eventually it 's gonna be a ship, a big pirate ship.
Where's the poop deck?
Good question, Skeets, and since you so graciously asked it
I will task you with helping Franklin finish.
Oh, God.
Let's get back to work.
Who's that?
Oh, it's just Hannah.
So listen, I was, um
I was kinda hoping that we could maybe be alone tomorrow night.
Okay.
Okay. I'll pick you up? 6: 30?
Yeah. 6: 30's great.
Great. Bye, sweetie.
[Clears throat] Van Doren.
What are you doing in here all by yourself?
Leave me alone, Skeets. I have to study.
Really? Well, you know, I can help you out with that.
If you go out with me.
No way.
Come on, Trish, I know you want to.
Oh, yeah. Hey, stop. Give that to me. I need that.
- Just go out with me. - No! - Trishy.
Don't do lt.
Go out with me, Trish.
No. Stop!
I'll spray you with this soda.
Don't!
[Pop music]
What's going on in here?
Trish started it.
Yeah, right! M r. Oswald, I was in here doing my experiment when Skeets came in...
Clean this up, both of you.
When you're done, there's more detention duties.
It's a date.
Hey, don't touch my binder.
You got a 49% on this test?
Wow, that was really close there, Trish.
Better than you.
That's a pretty confident statement.
Your ester links are all messed up on question four.
And on question seven, there's no hydrogen atom.
Now you know I'm smart, do you wanna get naked or what?
This is so gross.
Oh, come on. I don't mind getting down and dirty for Mother Earth.
Why do you have to be such an ass all the time?
Come on, Trish, I'm joking.
No, you're being an idiot. Why can't you just try being yourself for a change?
I am. Okay? I choose idiocy. It's a cause I believe in.
This is high school. It's our last opportunity to be complete morons and get away with it.
I have the grades to get into any school I want, but once those doors open in June
all I'm gonna remember is the fun stupid shit we did this place.
Like being an idiot?
Exactly. Carpe freakin' diem.
I mean, what has being myself ever done for me?
Well, for one, I'd like you more.
You do want me.
So, you know I'm up for anything, right?
Except for tea bagging. I don't know, for some reason I find that offensive.
Um, so, when?
You know, I mean, is Sunday okay?
Do you feel pressured to do this?
No, why?
I mean, how about from the guys?
I heard in some schools they actually keep track of how many girls they sleep with.
No. No, I've never heard anything like that.
No?
L... Why would they do that?
That doesn't even make any sense, you know?
[Clears throat]
Uh, we should go for a drive before my dad picks me up.
Uh, yeah, but I got my car so I was...
Let's go.
Strap in tight. You're gonna need it.
Oh. Talking smack. I like lt.
[Heavy metal music]
[Laughs]
Whoa!
Hey, Helen.
Hey, what are you doing?
Hey!
[Groans]
Helen, what are you doing?
Are you all right?
Yeah. No, I'm all good.
I just can't believe he lied to me, that's all.
H m. I like this one.
Can't believe you're shocked.
- Easy! We're still dating. - So?
Well, we're still gonna have sex when the football season's over.
We're going separate ways next year. That's really freaky.
Gimme a turn.
I hooked up with Franklin the other day in the audio closet.
What?
I gave him some boob action.
No way.
Move. I wanna see myself.
It's funny you say that, because Skeets came by the chemistry lab yesterday
and he was actually really nice. I mean, he's different when he's alone.
Still an ass, but he's different.
What are you two talking about?
What?
You're just targets for those guys. There's no relationship, there's no love.
Oh, Helen, aren't you so important?
Like you and Stanny boy are the only ones worthy of doing it.
We actually do love each other. We've never said it yet, but it's true.
You're being so naive.
Look, emotional love crap aside, you're not ready to have sex yet
because you can't even enjoy it.
How do you expect some guy to make you feel something you can't even make yourself feel?
Have you used your birthday present yet?
No.
Your name's in the book right next to ours. You need to get over yourself.
[Slow rock music]
[Metal music]
[Techno music]
[Slow music]
[Rock music]
[Classical music]
[Techno music]
[Music stops]
[French music]
[Shouts]
Oh, my God, what are you doing?
I, uh, I'm-I'm making a salad.
Well, you can't.
I can't?
No.
Why not?
Because I need to talk to you right now.
Okay. Wha-what, what's going on?
Those brochures from the schools that you left in my room
they're actually not so bad.
Really?
That's terrific, you know
because I've been thinking about what we were talking about yesterday
and the last thing I wanna be is selfish with you, you know
'cause I really want what you want.
- I don't want you to get hurt. - Oh!
But there are still some things that I can teach you about life
and about relationships and about men.
I can take care of myself.
That's not what I'm saying.
What are you saying?
I'm saying don't make guys your everything.
Okay, I won't. I promise.
I don't want you to ever make a guy your cake.
Okay.
I don't even want you to make a guy the icing on your cake.
Okay. I got it.
At best it should be the sprinkles on your icing. That's all.
Thank you.
Oh!
What?
I really appreciate it, Dad. I promise he will only be my sprinkles!
Do you not want a salad?
[Pop music]
You know she'll never do it.
What are you talking about?
Sex. You can see it in her eyes.
She's just the type of girl that leads guys on
and takes her virginity to the grave.
But hey, call me when you're tired of waiting.
[Belches]
Oh, nice suit.
You look like a sperm with a face.
It's funny, yeah.
I don't have to remind you how precise this work is, right?
No kidding around, no joking. Seriously!
Relax, okay? What is this?
Oh, it's papier-mÃ¢chÃ©.
I just mixed it, so, like, when it dries
it gets all hard and stuff, you know.
So it means the faster you work, the faster it'll mold to the frame, got it?
Yeah. So you're saying this stuff can pretty much mold to anything.
Yeah, pretty much.
I bet you 100 bucks
that I can get every chick in the class to touch my unit at the game next week.
A hundred bucks?
Yeah.
Oh, buddy, you're on.
Oh, Franky boy.
Easiest 100 bucks I'll ever make.
Hey, man, where you going with my papier-mÃ¢chÃ©?
[Rock music]
Oh. Wow, that's cold.
(Trish) Chase has something to say first.
I do?
Come on. Just tell her already.
Come on.
I'm sorry for what I said yesterday.
I'm sure that you and Stanny have, you know, a very mature and loving relationship.
- Chase. - Okay.
We came up with another plan. Something that'll make the guys feel just as used as we do.
Keys and a camera. What?
I thought they locked this place.
They do. But I have the keys. But you have to be quiet.
- Okay. - Sh.
Take off your shirt.
Turn around.
All right.
Oh, nice.
They say if you block one of your five senses, the other four become heightened.
Really? Like touch?
Pants, too.
Okay.
There you go.
Okay. I'll be right back.
Okay.
I'll be here.
â« High school memory â«
â« And in September Will you be â«
â« A big-shot College jock â«
â« And forget all About little old me â«
â« I know â«
â« I know our love Was meant to be â«
â« So don't let Our love become â«
â« A high school memory â«
â« I remember the prom And the ball â«
â« And all the things we've done â«
â« Don't let these memories fade â«
Whoa, whoa, wait. Jesus Christ! What are you doing?
What are you guys doing here?
I'm on a date!
Oh, man.
I don't believe this.
What are you doing?
Don't fucking, don't...
Oh, shoot.
- You guys playing hide the pickle out here? - No.
Well, I'm sure you got a good reason for why you got your peckers out, so let me hear it?
- It's just a practical joke, coach. - Yeah.
There's supposed to be girls here.
Well, that might be true and it might not be.
But put those puppies in the pound and get the hell outta here.
Thanks, coach.
Who told? H uh?
Wasn't me.
Dude, the girls found out on their own. Okay?
[Rock music]
I can't believe this. We gotta lock these chicks down, man.
- Stanford, I can see your... - Shut up, all right?
We gotta do something about this.
Okay, okay, I know what to do. Just follow me. Okay?
They're everywhere, man.
(Skeets) He's just up here.
The guy who started the book?
Yeah, of course the guy who started the book. We need help, we see the best.
Yo yo yo, check this out.
Howdy, ladies.
If one of you guys called about the ten-speed, you're three minutes too late.
No, no, we're looking for Pete.
Ta dah. And that's Handsome Pete.
Need a ride, step inside.
We're from Benjamin Dover.
That time of year again? I should've known. It's the book.
Yeah. Uh, some girls actually found out about lt.
Look, we need your help. What do we do?
Well, if you have 'em already checked off, nothing!
Next year everything goes back to normal.
No, that's the problem.
Yeah, uh, we haven't exactly, you know, finished the list per se.
Guys sure have it rough, huh?
So much pressure.
Always having to make the first move. That's why I invented the book.
It makes guys talk to girls. It's an icebreaker.
Wha-what are we supposed to say though?
Sensitive crap, stuff from the heart.
You know, like maybe you got some special talent.
You show her that, you're in!
I mean, I know I guy who got laid off of making' a girl a macaroni necklace.
And if you're a dimwit and you can't think of anything
drop the "L" word.
Mm, lesbian. Oh, yeah.
Right time, right place, that don't hurt, either.
Like a party?
Yeah.
[Phone rings] Thatâs actually a good idea.
I gotta get this. It's my macaroni necklace.
Hi, honey.
- So it's settled, boys. Party at my place. - Yes.
Every man for himself.
I like it.
You all know what this is. Skeet's party is this Saturday night.
We're all going to go and have a great time
but you must remember that there's gonna be temptation.
Alcohol, expectations to give it up.
They're pulling out all the stops.
They may even take showers and smell nice.
These guys all think that they have us wrapped around their little fingers.
But we're gonna go to that party and show them that it takes a hell of a lot more
than some cheesy pick-up line or weak attempts at flattery to get in our pants.
This is our chance, ladles. We're the ones with the power.
So, who's with us?
Yes, Sabrina?
It's only six days left. I think I can make it.
[Screams]
Well, did you enjoy your swim?
That's very funny.
Actually, I still can't figure out how you got Coach Becker to bust us like that.
Luck.
- Look, I know what this is all about. - And?
And I just, I think we should wipe the slate clean.
You know, let's just forget about the stupid book.
A truce?
Yes, a truce.
Okay?
Okay.
You're not mad then?
No, I'm not mad. I should be asking you that. Okay?
I-I just, I want it to be like it was before, that's all.
Sounds perfect.
Okay.
Well, I have to go.
Okay. Wait.
What? Oh. Okay, bye.
Bye.
Dude, it's a trap.
I don't think so.
Stanford and I are just gonna put the whole bang book thing behind us.
- Right. - Well, he said so.
Well, I think it's the other girls that we should really be worried about.
Look, worst case scenario, I stole a bottle of these from my brother's private stash.
You put a few in the punch, boner central.
- Oh my God. - Is it safe?
- My brother uses them all the time with his girlfriend. - Ew.
Uh, hey, Helen? Do you think we're gonna want these old albums over there?
What?
What are you doing?
Packing.
Why, where are you going?
To Paris! I've decided you're right.
We should get outta here and move to Paris.
I'm coming with you. I already talked to Uncle Jack.
He's calling around for me, and he thinks he's already got a job for me.
It turns out they have the same sprinkler systems in Paris that they got here.
Is that nuts or what?
You're joking, right?
I'm not gonna interfere.
We'll be like roommates. Just treat me like one of your girlfriends.
You didn't raise an idiot. I'm a strong person.
I know you are.
Well, you're not treating me like one. I'm not your little girl anymore.
I can take care of myself. What are you so afraid of?
Mom?
Yes, your mom.
I just don't want you to get hurt again.
You don't think I think about that? I haven't lived with her since I was 12.
I wanna get to know her.
I love you, Dad, but I need to go to Paris by myself.
I think so. I mean, she was... she was yelling a lot.
Uh, she, I-I mean, at the time I didn't know what it was
but, uh, you know, she-she was smiling and enjoying it
so I think yeah, I-I would say so.
No.
Um, I mean, no.
No, I didn't. I still haven't. Sucks.
Uh, I think she did, but who really knows?
â« I may be Mr. Magoo But I see through you â«
â« You got a way To suck me in and then You spit me out again â«
[moans]
We're good to go.
[Moans]
Nearly there.
â« To keep me blind â«
â« Diggin' that silly Old grin of mine â«
â« If I give you my world And you don't want it â«
â« That's just fine â«
â« I'm Mr. Magoo but I See right through you â«
Bon appetite.
[Music and laughter]
[Techno music]
[Kandice Melonakos sings I'm Alive]
[No audible dialog]
Chase?
Hi, Franklin.
You liking what you're seeing so far?
Yeah.
Wanna dance?
You know, I'm great right now.
You sure?
Excuse me.
Van Doren, hey. Do you need some ice for that?
No, thanks.
Uh, can you sit down? Because I just wanna show you something.
Okay.
Okay. I wrote you a little song.
Really?
Yeah, it's a little rough, so just bear with me. Okay?
[Clears throat]
â« First time I saw you We were in biology â«
â« You looked pretty hot In those tight blue jeans â«
â« And even though I know You're not quite as bright as me â«
â« But there's still only One thing that I would like to see â«
â« That is oh I want To Van Do you Van Doren â«
Hey.
Listen, I wanna tell you something.
What?
I've been thinking about it a lot lately and...
What? Tell me.
I wanted to tell you that I love you.
It just made me realize how much I care about you
how much I appreciate you and I just... I wanted to be there for you and wait.
Hold on for one second.
Sorry, sorry to interrupt. Um, Trish, can I talk to you for a second?
Yeah.
Sorry, hang on.
Chase.
I gotta go.
See ya.
What's up?
I think the boys are up to something.
What are you talking about?
Because... Sabrina?
No, you didn't?
What?
Sex, Sabrina, sex.
No, no, l...
Hey.
Thanks. I'm going to get a drink.
Okay, I did it. I totally did it.
It was amazing, can you believe it?
I felt more feelings and sensations than
I've ever felt before.
It hurt in the beginning, but then it felt great.
Think I'm in love with him.
(Scar) Sabrina
Scar?
Where are the pills?
Okay.
What? Gimme those.
Whoa, Chase. Chase!
Come on, do you want It to work or not?
Oh, ice.
Right, good, yeah.
This'll be a drink they'll never forget.
Make it cold and appetizing.
There we go.
Okay. First one for Stanny boy.
He deserves this. He's a liar.
Perfect. Oh wait.
Just a few more just in case.
Who wants a drink?
Franklin, just the guy I was looking for. Would you like a drink?
Yeah.
It's Chase's famous recipe.
Is it? What's In it? Marshmallows?
Enjoy.
Thanks.
Cheers.
Whoo. Salty.
Mm. Oh, that's nasty.
You like it?
Yeah, it's good. It's just, you know, it's strong.
Drink up.
Mm.
Wow.
You trying to get me drunk, huh?
Something like that.
Yeah?
Let me get you another one.
Okay, yeah.
I'll just, uh, I'll be here.
Hey, what's happening, man?
Chillin'.
Good party, huh?
Yeah.
Oh, oh, ah.
Dude, what?
You're drinking my spooge, man!
Who else drank this?
Everyone.
Oh, God!
Hey, it's getting out of hand. We gotta go.
All the guys are out there with raging boners.
(guy) Does anybody else feel kinda...
No, no. No, no.
The dosage we used was too high.
I may have accidentally put in a few too many pills.
[Groaning]
[Screams]
[Screaming continues]
Guys, come on, slow down.
Is he gonna be okay?
Hey, you take care, Stanny boy, all right?
[Stan groans]
I warned him about you. You're such a tease.
Look what you did.
What do you mean what I did?
That was an accident.
You told me they were safe.
I thought they were, okay?
How am I supposed to know you're not supposed to put that many pills?
You know, if it weren't for you two, I would have had sex by now
and Stan and I would be happy. But no.
Stop blaming us, okay?
If you really wanted to have sex that bad, you would've.
It's not dependent on what we say. It's your choice.
Hey.
How are you?
Talk to me.
You-you did this to me. What else is there to talk about?
What about you? There was no truce. You didn't stop.
All you cared about was the bang book and your little football team.
It was just a stupid superstition between us guys.
You know, like putting your right shoe on before your left. It wasn't real.
We're not talking about shoes here.
Yeah, I know we're not.
Okay, that's why I thought tonight was our thing.
You know, like we said, a clean slate between me and you.
I didn't care what anyone else did, you know? We were more than that.
You didn't trust me.
That's why I ended up in a hospital with a cast on my...
Look, let's just forget about all this.
Come on. I'm sorry, okay? Let-let me make it up to you.
No. No, just stop, all right? I don't have anything else to say to you. Okay?
Just go.
Hey, Helen. Why aren't you getting ready?
Aren't you going to Stanford's game?
We're on an indefinite break.
What-what happened?
I said and did some pretty stupid stuff.
You said and did some pretty stupid stuff?
That's my girl. Runs in the family.
You wanna talk about it?
You don't wanna know.
Hey, I'm your dad. Come on, give me a try.
We put sex pills in the punch in the party and then Stanford ended up in the hospital
with a raging boner that wouldn't go down.
Can you please go back in time and never tell me that story?
Dad, what's wrong with me? I'm so stupid.
I can't do anything right.
Hey, come on, stuff happens.
Sometime your partner's gonna end up in the hospital
with his junk in a sling.
Junk?
Uh, it's an old gym term.
Anyway, my point is that you're gonna make mistakes in life, you know
and there's just no avoiding it.
You know, when I was 19, I hitchhiked around Europe.
Everywhere.
I slept in the park, got drunk quite a bit.
Then I got robbed by gypsies.
- Gypsies? - Yeah.
They took my money, my passport, and...
but they didn't take my trombone, which I considered a sign of respect.
Well, it was the best worst time of my life.
Wouldn't trade a minute of it.
Why didn't you ever tell me this kind of stuff sooner?
I don't know.
I wasn't ready.
I was embarrassed.
I didn't want you to go.
Hey. Here.
I got you this.
Dad!
Your mom is lovely
and beautiful and funny and charming.
I hate her but you're gonna get along great with her.
But, um...
Are you gonna be okay without me?
I'll be fine.
I'm gonna go find those gypsies. See you later.
[Woman slinging in French]
[Loud moaning]
[Cheering]
Hi.
I'm really, really sorry about what I said the other night.
Well, we can't stay mad at you forever.
Luckily for you, we love you too much.
It's all good. Sit down.
Thanks.
Did you change your hair? You look different.
Uh, no. Guess again.
No shit. You figured it out, didn't you?
N ice!
Very nice. I'm proud of you.
Yeah, that's great, just when I have no one.
Um, actually, there's something that I have to tell you two.
I wasn't a virgin when we made our pact.
You slut. I want details, come on.
Remember when I went to Hawaii? Well, it happened then.
I met this 15-year-old guy who I let talk me into it
even though I knew I wasn't ready.
I should've told you guys about it. I just, I don't know.
I would've gone to Hawaii and kicked his tropical ass for you, okay?
We would've been there for you.
Thanks, I know.
[Cheering]
[Rock music]
[People] Oh.
Yeah!
[Cheering]
Hut!
[Rock music]
Oh, fuck!
Come on!
Blue 32. Hut!
Down again!
[Whistle blowing]
[Over P.A.] And that's halftime, folks!
What's up with this?
I don't know. The guys are sucking tonight though, huh?
I mean, you guys don't think they were actually right about the book, do you?
Hey! Where are you going?
To talk to Stanford.
What? What do you mean?
What is she doing?
Stanford! Stanford!
Wait.
I'm sorry about everything.
The boner pills, the naked pool party
trying to kill you at the racetrack.
I shouldn't have done any of that.
But that whole book thing you guys have is totally immature
and I thought I needed to teach you a lesson.
I want what you want. Love and sex.
(woman) Me, too.
Well, maybe in a different order for you, but whatever.
I want you to win!
You guys are so good, you're so talented
but right now you're sucking
and you blame us girls and a book.
But the reason you're losing is because that dumb book won't score you any touchdowns.
But if you believed in yourself the way I believe in you
you could score a bunch of touchdowns and win this game!
He's the kicker!
Okay, so you're a kicker.
Maybe that's never happened before
but a lot of great things haven't quite happened yet.
[Rock music]
Come on.
[Cheering and whistling]
One, two, three, four!
[Rock music]
[Cheering]
Hut. Hut.
[Groaning]
[Cheering]
Woo-hoo-hoo!
Blue thirty-two! Hut!
Touchdown!
[Cheering]
Hut!
Oh, yeah.
[Over P.A. inaudible]
Hut!
Oh, my God.
[Cheering]
Touchdown! Yeah!
[Inaudible]
[Pop music]
You don't need Stanny-boy, you got us.
She's right. We can grow old and become spinsters together.
You should go say hi.
Is it that obvious?
Yeah.
Guys are scum.
Oh, Chase, they're not all bad.
Tell her this "you-me" thing, it's a pity date.
I feel bad for you, you're not even my type.
Thanks.
Oh! Here he comes.
Let's go.
Hi.
Uh, you know I came with...
I know.
But we're not together. At all. I wanted to let...
Let's get out of here.
All right. Come on!
Frank! You owe me 100 bucks.
For what? Being an idiot?
No, no. Look what she's holding in her hand, man.
Ah, damn it. Hold on.
Scar!
Thank you for introducing me to the world of papier-mÃ¢chÃ©.
Okay, how about this?
Double or nothing I can "out-prank" you this evening.
You are gonna "out-prank" me?
Okay, spanky, you're on, buddy. Yeah. Good luck.
Um, I'm gonna go get some air.
You want me to come?
No, I'm good. Have fun though.
All right. Bye.
Hey.
Hi.
So, the guys are in the playoffs. That's good for you, right?
Yeah, it's really good.
You know, on the field the other day, I didn't mean to tackle you so hard.
Yeah, it was, it was a little much, I'm sorry.
Ladies, can I interest you in a photo beside my captain's wheel?
Uh, no thanks.
You never quit, do you?
Well, my creative juices are always flowing, Chase. Have you seen Trish?
No, sorry, I haven't.
Never mind. There she is.
Hey. Don't screw with her, okay?
Van Doren! Come here.
No.
I just wanna show you something.
I've already seen your wiener-wheel, Skeets.
No, it's not that. And trust me, you'll wanna see this.
Hi, everyone. This next song goes out to someone who's very very special to me.
Uh, it's the four-day anniversary of our lovemaking!
Scar?
This one's for you, baby.
[Soft music]
[Cheering]
â« I heard the Bells in my head â«
â« The second I saw you â«
â« And against my Better judgment â«
â« I began to adore you and I haven't stopped since â«
â« And I'm gonna Make you know it â«
What are you doing out here?
Guys are lame.
No kidding.
You want some?
What, are you trying to take advantage of me?
You know, I've been thinking about what you were saying.
This documentary's cool. It's opening up people's eyes to what's...
â« So perfectly with mine â«
â« We were made To stand together â«
â« B y some great Unknown design â«
â« For now and all of time â«
â« You will be mine â«
â« As for now and all of time â«
â« You will be mine â«
Hey.
Hey, buddy.
That's good.
Hi, guys!
Hey.
What's up?
Nothing.
Hey, everybody, get in here. Franklinâs got a surprise for us. Whoo!
Skeets!
Oh, shit.
I'm about to owe Frankie a lot of money.
Double or nothing, right? Beat this.
What is he talking about?
[All shout]
[Rock music]
Woo-hoo!
We'll get you back, don't worry. Don't worry.
â« You gotta do What you gotta do â«
[trombone playing]
So, after interviewing basically everyone in my entire high school
and a few of my own misadventures, I've realized something.
It doesn't matter if you're in the audio closet or in the bedroom
or if you're with your boyfriend or your best friend
it's all about timing.
I haven't done it yet, but I have a feeling I will.
â« She takes her time With the little things â«
â« Love notes reminding me â«
â« She wears red when She's feeling hot â«
â« I have her but That's all I've got â«
â« She looks best Without her clothes â«
â« I know it's wrong but That's the way it goes â«
â« I don't know what She sees in me â«
â« But I'm happy She's happy now â«
â« That she's with me â«
â« And I'm freakin' out â«
â« Because I'm just so lucky â«
â« Oh she makes me feel like shit â«
â« It's always something But I can't get over it â«
â« She thinks it's nothing â«
â« Because she's everything I ask for everything I ask for â«
â« And just a little bit more everything I ask for everything I ask for â«
â« And so much more â«
â« She loves music but She hates my band â«
â« Loves Prince She's his biggest fan â«
â« Not big on holding hands But that's all right 'cause I've still got her â«
â« Keeps up on current affairs â«
â« Prada is what she wears â«
â« I don't know what She sees in me â«
â« And I'm happy She's happy now â«
â« That she's with me And I'm freakin' out â«
â« Because I'm just so lucky â«
â« Oh she makes me feel like shit â«
â« It's always something But I can't get over it â«
â« She thinks it's nothing â«
â« 'Cause she's everything I ask for everything I ask for â«
â« And just a little bit more everything I ask for everything I ask for â«
â« And so much more â«
â« Fistfights turn into sex I wonder what comes next â«
â« She loves to always keep me guessing â«
â« She won't give it up â«
â« And we both know â«
â« It's because Oh she makes me feel like shit â«
â« It's always something But I can't get over it â«
â« She thinks it's nothing â«
â« 'Cause she's everything I ask for everything I ask for â«
â« And just a little bit more everything I ask for everything I ask for â«
â« And so much more everything I ask for everything I ask for â«
â« And so much more â«
[Rumer Willis sings Wild Cherry]