FEMALE ANNOUNCER.: Lights, camera, access.
O'DELL.: Yes, it's true. The master of midday TV goes prime time.
Talk show host Dr. RJ Stevens has popped the question to Bianca Kittles,
recent winner of Survivor: Kiribati.
What's good, family?
The Doctor's show, with his irreverent guests...
I've been banging your sister.
(SCREAMING)
... party-like atmosphere and his "Team of Me" philosophy...
The team of who?
ALL: Me!
Rely on yourself.
... has gotten a significant ratings boost
since news of his impending nuptials became public.
This is, no doubt, welcome news to the ultra-competitive, glammed-out Bianca.
The TV reality star used every asset she possessed
to outwit, outplay and outlast the competition
on her quest for the million bucks.
It's a Q-rating bonanza,
as these two couldn't be more perfectly matched.
Life is good for the good doctor.
Wow. ANNOUNCER.: (WHISPERING) On access.
That was fabulous!
Honey, I'm so proud of you. Thank you.
You're such a star. Isn't he a star?
(ALL CHEERING)
He is a superstar.
Now, that is how you announce your engagement!
That was genius.
You're the talk of the town! WOMAN: Hey, RJ.
Could you imagine this five years ago, bro?
With a girl like that? Hell, no.
Hit show, big mansion on the block. Now I'm international.
You look great, by the way.
Shit, man, that's all this tofu Bianca got me eating.
Besides the hunger pains, being a vegan is the shit.
(LAUGHING)
Cheers. Honey! Telephone.
Get going.
BIANCA: That sounds wonderful. I can't wait.
Great.
Well, it's nice speaking to you. Okay, hold on.
It's your mom. Hurry up. Talk. We still have guests.
Hi! WOMAN: Hi there!
You made it. Oh, my God. You look amazing!
Hey, Mama.
Well, hello, stranger.
We're just beginning to think you just forgot all about us.
No, Mama. I can't forget my number one girl.
(CHUCKLES) And I didn't forget your anniversary, either.
I sent y'all a 50" plasma TV.
One inch for every year.
That's sweet, baby. But we'd much rather meet Blanca.
She sounds so nice.
(LAUGHS) Bianca, Mama. Not Blanca.
Oh, I'm sorry. I thought it was Blanca.
Well, baby, you know it's our 50th anniversary.
Mama, I don't think we're gonna be able to make it.
Jamaal, you know, he's got this big soccer game.
The boy loves himself some soccer, Mama.
I know. He talks to Papa all the time.
Jamaal and Daddy have been talking?
And writing letters.
Lord... You know, we haven't seen that child since he was a baby.
You've just got to come. Everybody's coming.
We got Ellie and Cleavon,
Clyde and Lucinda and...
Lucinda? Oh, yes.
Lucinda and Clyde?
Mmm-hmm.
They're coming together? I forgot to tell you.
But I... I thought...
PAPA.: That's a lot of questions, boy.
Hey, Daddy.
Especially from someone who has shown very little interest in his family.
Yes, sir, but I...
If you can find the time to explore "The Mind Of A Stripper"
or "Sisters Gone Wild" with your so-called "family,"
then you can find the time to spend with your actual family.
So you've been watching!
Boy, don't disappoint your mother.
(SIGHS)
(REFEREE BLOWING WHISTLE)
RJ: Go, Jamaal!
There you go, there you go!
Boy, that kid's good.
Right. Move. Push it!
Come on, get it, get it, get it, get it! Right there!
Let it go, Jamaal!
That's a winner, Jamaal!
(WHOOPING)
(LAUGHS)
(WHISTLE BLOWING)
MARTY: Hey, RJ, I'll see you later, man. Okay, take care. You tell Jamaal I said bye.
Jamaal, way to go. Way to go. That's how you do that.
Good going, guys! Yeah!
(WHOOPING)
That's my boy. That's my boy.
That's a lot of running for one goal. But, hey, at least you hit it.
Dad, you should come more often.
Hey, I'm here.
Dad, why don't you want to go to Dry Springs?
(SIGHS) Come on. Not you, too.
Papa Jenkins says Dry Springs is awesome.
He said all my cousins'll be there and I'd have a lot of fun.
Oh, really? What else do y'all talk about?
I don't know. School, my friends, soccer, global warming.
Global warming?
We talk about a lot of stuff. He's really cool.
Can't we please go?
I'll think about it, Jamaal.
Oh. Talk it over with the boss, first.
Boss?
(SCOFFS)
Son, men run things in a relationship.
And between us men, never let a woman tell you what to do, and how to do it.
Your dad's in complete control.
(RJ SCREAMING)
BIANCA: Who's in control?
Tell me. Who's in control?
I don't know!
Take me higher, you can do it!
(GASPING) Oh, no.
Come on. Take me. Harder!
Come on, lover! (WHINING) Mama!
(IN A DEEP VOICE) Yes! Oh, shit!
Push it!
What the hell are you... Yes!
(GROANING)
(MUMBLING NONSENSICALLY)
BIANCA: Oh.
Speaking in tongues. That's a first.
(BIANCA SIGHS)
I'm so proud of you.
(BIANCA EXHALES)
I want to look hot for your family.
So now... Time for my seven miles.
(TREADMILL WHIRRING)
Can you untie me first?
Babe?
Babe! Babe...
It's all done. I booked the tickets.
Honey? I'm hearing a tinge of doubt in your voice.
I'm cool. You know, it's... It'll be four days, then we get back to our lives.
Exactly.
This will solidify our union to the world.
We'll tape your parents' banquet, you make a heartfelt speech, and the ratings?
(CHUCKLES) Oh, my God!
(BIANCA SIGHS)
Yeah.
"Country boy done good returns home with his Survivor queen."
(LAUGHS) Hey, my... My audience'll dig that.
See? That's why I love you.
Baby, I've dated all kinds of men.
Athletes, CEOs, princes, bad boys, attorneys, mob bosses...
(MUFFLED) No, no, I get it. I get that.
But I've never connected with any of them the way that I do with you.
RJ Stevens.
Mmm.
Team of Me.
(CHUCKLING)
Your very words helped me win Survivor, and they brought me right to you.
They did, didn't they? Uh-huh.
(CHUCKLING)
See? We connect.
Yes.
We're winners.
And you? You're the man.
I am the man.
Say it louder.
I'm the man.
Say it louder.
I'm the man! Yeah!
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
BIANCA: Honey, don't ruin your outfit.
(SCOFFS) Baby, men don't wear outfits.
(GRUNTING)
What do you have in these bags, anyway?
You went 39 days on a desert island with... With a toothpick and a thong.
I need options.
RJ: Damn the options. I need room.
I'd be happy to check that for you.
Hell, no!
I had some bad experiences.
I'll just slip it in the captain's closet.
It's the safest place it could be.
(EXCLAIMS)
Let's get this party started.
Uh-uh-uh.
I got you beet juice.
Come on, baby, I want to live a little.
Precisely.
It's an excellent source of antioxidants.
Your drink, sir. Drink up.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Enjoy.
(PLANE ENGINE HUMMING)
FLIGHT ATTENDANT ON PA.: Once we have reached a comfortable...
Hey, Dad?
Yeah, son?
This is gonna be great. Thanks.
Anything for you, my man.
(EXCLAIMS)
(DOG WHIMPERING)
And now we ask you to please relax, sit back and enjoy the flight.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Georgia.
How does his bag get lost in a captain's closet?
Explain that to me. Yes, ma'am.
Where's your father?
He won't come out of the bathroom.
WOMAN ON PA.: The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading only.
Honey, how do the pants fit?
Flight 514 from Atlanta, your luggage will be at Carousel 2.
(JAMAAL LAUGHING)
You mean to tell me
this is the only pair of pants you could find in this country-ass airport?
I like it. Colors look fabulous on you.
Babe, I look like a clown.
Look... Look at how tight these are. Look!
I see that, tiger.
Come. Let's get the car.
(LAUGHING)
Ladies and gentlemen, for your own safety and protection,
please do not leave your bags unattended.
JAMAAL: Wow, the whole weekend is planned.
There's a barbecue today, a softball game tomorrow,
a fish fry on Saturday.
Oh, look! An obstacle course race!
And the anniversary banquet's Sunday night.
Cool!
(JAMAAL COUGHING)
(WHOOPING)
Nice ears, Dad.
(LAUGHING)
Oh, man. Nice picture, Dad.
Oh, man.
(HORN HONKING)
MAN: Hey, now!
How terribly quaint. As if time stood still.
It has. I told you, don't nothing ever happen around here.
What the hell?
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
That shit was tight, right?
(WHOOPING)
Oh, damn!
Oh, my God, baby, you get me so freaking hot!
Do you know them?
I don't know her, but that's my cousin Reggie.
You got your jewelry? You got your purse?
All right? 'Cause the boy could con Jesus.
Oh, no. Oh, no, that's him.
Oh, that's him! Who?
Here he comes, here he comes.
My nigga Roscoe Steven Jenkins! Hollywood did came to town!
(CHUCKLES) What's up? What's up, dawg?
What up, cuz? What up, cuz?
How you doing? How you do...
(LAUGHING) Come on, man, give it up!
Man, what's happening? All right.
Oh, man, look at what you...
Look, you got them picnic tablecloth pants on.
"Hey, Boo-Boo, let me get another picnic basket."
(LAUGHING) I guess Outkast's about to name their third member. Li'I Roscoe 1000.
Yeah, but don't be mad 'cause you ain't up on the style.
Ain't that right, baby? Roscoe?
Why do you call him Roscoe?
That's his government name.
(NERVOUS LAUGH)
Oh, not into full disclosure. I see.
Okay. Welcome to the family.
(LAUGHS) Thank you.
Lookie here, lookie here.
First it was Survivor, now it's America's Next Top Model.
Oh, stop it. Really?
Oh, hell, yeah, really!
My God, I'll drink your dishwater, bathwater, all types of waters.
I'll drink all your waters.
Boy, you do your thing. Get... Get off me.
Look at you doing your thing, boy! Hey, will you stop that?
Thing, boy! You do your thing. Get off me!
(LAUGHS) Do your thing, boy. You do your thing. Hey, get off.
Hey, why'd you keep checking my pockets, Reggie?
Oh, you do your thing. Man, you need to get me out there to LA.
Would you lookie here? Look.
Hi! Hi!
I'm Amy.
Yeah, me and Amy are friends, man. You know what I'm saying?
She's been a real inspiration to me, putting my new hip-hop album out.
You know what I'm saying?
And my dad's company is financing it.
It's Pimp Nasty Records! Word!
Pimp Nasty? AMY: (LAUGHS) Like that.
So everything is... Hey, boy, what the... What you doing?
Get back! Get back!
Water rat! That's a water rat, right there.
(GROWLING) Get back. Get back.
Reg, come on.
It's okay, Fifi.
RJ: Reggie, man. She's a dog, man.
It's Fiona.
Yo quiero Taco Bell. I ain't know what it was, man.
I thought it was a little fur coat with some feet, or something,
that damn walked over here, boy.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Man, Mama J sent us down here to get some ice.
And?
We're probably gonna need about 300.
$300? Yeah.
For some ice? For some ice.
You must think I'm a damn fool.
No, I know you ain't no damn fool.
You standing there with that beautiful lady, right there.
Look like you a lucky fool.
(GIGGLES)
What? It's just $300, baby. Go on.
You're not cheap, baby. Yes, he is.
You don't know him like we... He's tight. Yeah, he is.
It's only $300, baby.
That's it, $300. For your family?
Please?
Go on, baby.
For the family.
All right, good to see you.
Papa? Huh?
They made it!
Told you. Well, come on.
Come on, baby.
(MAMA LAUGHING EXCITEDLY)
Oh, my baby's home!
Hey, Mama. How you doing?
Well, well. Look who showed up.
My grandson's father, Dr. RJ Stevens.
It's been a long time, Dr. Stevens.
Dad, that's just a stage name.
Yeah, I know.
Jamaal, welcome back.
Thanks, Papa Jenkins.
Oh, and this is Blanca! Pretty girl, Roscoe.
You must got some Indian in you, all that long, pretty hair.
Roscoe, you been eating? You all skin and bone!
Don't look like I never nourished you.
(LAUGHS) I know! Doesn't he look fabulous?
OTIS: Yeah, he looks fabulous, all right.
Downright metrosexual, with them young-ass pants on.
Oh, no. You should have seen his ensemble before his little accident.
It was exquisite.
(LAUGHS) Are you kidding? Better than this?
What? I didn't say "outfit."
Got you! Pounced on you.
Get... Get off. Get off me!
Let me see how strong you are.
Otis! Yeah.
(GRUNTING) Get off me. Come on.
(LAUGHING) Just like old times again.
Lord, Otis. Do it, do it! Get out of it, then.
Mama! Mama. Otis! Otis!
Come on, boy, let's see what you got.
Let go of me, O.
Yeah, go ahead, do it. I want you to. Boy, introduce me. That's rude.
Bianca, this is my country, neckbone-eating brother, Otis.
The sheriff.
Southern hospitality at your service.
Get up off that!
(CHUCKLING)
This here is Ruthie. Hi.
And that's my baby she's carrying.
Wow, Ruthie, you look like you're about to pop.
No, I'm just six months.
But I bet y'all be loading up soon, huh?
(LAUGHING) Oh, God, no! Nothing's wrecking this figure.
Hmm.
(NERVOUS LAUGH) At least not right now. Jamaal, say hello.
Are you really the sheriff?
Mmm-hmm.
"To serve and protect." And occasionally whoop ass.
Meet your cousins. Junior! Callie!
(LAUGHS) Oh, damn! What are they on?
All steroids and no carbs?
(LAUGHS) Them some thick-ass kids!
No, I'm serious. Mama, them is thick-ass. No, I'm serious.
Like, they be 12. Them some thick-ass...
Respect...
This here's your cousin Jamaal.
Get him a bat, and get him some batting practice.
And, Callie, go easy on him.
(SPITTING)
You got it, Daddy.
Come on, son. You and Granddad'll take them on together.
You play baseball, don't you?
All right, I guess.
Well, Blanca, you want to come in the house and freshen up?
And, Roscoe, you get the bags and just take them up to your room.
Okay.
And, baby,
please find some clothes that fit. You got all your business in the street.
(GRUNTS DISAGREEABLY)
Oh, God. It's good to see you, man.
Little help with the bags, O?
Man, I ain't no bellhop. Plus, I ain't had my steroids today.
(LAUGHS) Got you!
Southern hospitality! Yeah, right.
(SCOFFS)
And next time you grabbing on people,
wear some deodorant, you little fake-ass Conan!
Oh, shit! Mama! Mama!
OTIS: Come here, boy! I'm an all-State linebacker! Look at that speed!
RJ: Mama! I said leave me alone, O! Leave me alone!
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
(MAMA LAUGHING)
MAMA: I haven't had so many people in the kitchen since I don't know when.
No, you use this one.
(EXCLAIMS)
You a bad bitch!
Oh! Oh!
Wait a minute, girl. I'm serious. I'm serious. You bad!
You are the baddest bitch Survivor ever had.
Soon to be my sister-in-law, up in my kitchen, girl.
I'm honored!
Thank you.
All right, now, now, now, tell me the truth, okay?
Tell me the truth, 'cause it's you and me. We relating.
Can that hook-head handle you? 'Cause, see, we a lot alike, Binaca.
(LAUGHING) 'Cause we too much woman for one man! You feel me?
Betty, let the child breathe.
Now, is the tea ready?
It's right here, Mama.
Binaca, you got to try my tea, girl.
I'm telling you right now, this tea right here ain't no joke, Balolo.
Best in the county.
It's Bianca. That's what I said.
And I'd love to. Cheers!
(SHRIEKING)
God, that's liquid diabetes! You drink that?
(BIANCA EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)
No, no. No, no, wait a minute now, baby.
Don't get all uppity, okay?
'Cause I'm gonna let you know the brothers down at the pen,
they rave about my sweet tea every Sunday at my Bible reading.
It ain't the sweet tea. It's them short skirts you be wearing.
I'm just doing my part, trying to be a good Christian.
And if them brothers need to get a peek at this thong
to get them through them long lonely nights,
then, Father God and all the heavens up above and the Episcopals, so be it!
Girl, don't make me sick. You know I'm pregnant.
Thank you. Betty, your thong is an image I do not need.
(CHUCKLES) Ditto.
(MOCKING LAUGH)
BETTY: Wait a minute.
Now, see, we trying to bond with you and everything, welcome you in,
but you getting it twisted. You getting me twisted.
But don't get it twisted.
This kitchen here is my domain. My domain. This ain't no kennel.
And then this lab rat got to go. Got to go. Do you hear me? Am I clear? I bites dogs.
(DOG WHINING)
Know who I am, okay?
Now ditto that!
AIRLINE EMPLO YEE.: Yes, sir. Can I help you? Yes, sir. Yeah, hello.
Yeah. What is your name? Patricia.
Luqueesha? I can barely hear you.
Look here, Luqueesha, somebody...
Sir, could you please hold?
Yeah, I'll hold.
(DOG WHINING)
(DOG PANTING)
Bucky?
You done messed around and got old, huh, Bucky?
You still alive?
Yeah, you used to terrorize me when I was little.
I don't play that now, man. I'm a grown man. Look at me when I'm talking to you.
I should kick you in your ass right now, Bucky.
Yeah. Yeah, when you bit my ankle, I should...
Hello, Dr. Stevens?
Yeah, excuse me.
We found your bag.
Well, all right. Well, that's more like it.
We just need an address.
(GROANING)
Get off me, you crazy dog!
What the hell?
You gonna stay inside all day, Dr. Stevens?
No, sir.
Daddy, you don't have to call me that.
I just don't want to offend the star.
Offend me?
Hey, hey, Daddy, how come you never opened this plasma?
I don't need a skinny TV.
That console's been there since 1977. Good picture.
Daddy, this is a Hi-Def flat screen!
Football on Sundays, them hits'll be like, "Boom!"
Make you feel like you really there.
I am really gonna be there.
Your cousin Clyde gave me season tickets.
See that picture? That's his third dealership.
Man, that Clyde is something special.
Yeah, Clyde's special.
I gotta get outside. I'm grooming the next Jackie Robinson. My grandson.
(HUMMING)
Reg. Huh?
That don't look like $300 worth of ice.
It's hot down here, man. Half of it melted before you even got down.
I'm telling you, the bag was...
It's hot down... Ask anybody about the heat, 'Scoe.
I ain't gonna lie about none of that, man.
Whatever.
Hey, O. Yo.
How old is crazy-ass Bucky? Shouldn't he be dead by now?
Bucky's at least 25 now.
Yeah. Yeah, that dog is old, boy.
Are you serious?
That's 175 people years!
And he's still a little player, I'm telling you.
You better watch little Fiona around here.
He gonna hit her in the one that stink and not the one that wink.
He good at scooping up behind you.
(WHINING)
So, did I hear Clyde was coming with Lucinda?
Mmm-hmm.
Should be here any minute now.
(LAUGHS)
I thought she was engaged.
Uh-uh.
That ended a while ago, baby bro.
Yeah, that... Man, no, she moved to Atlanta, man,
and that smooth nigga Clyde supposed to be hollering at her again.
What you mean, "again"? He ain't never been with her. Never!
Lookie here. Little Hollywood man.
"He's never been with her. Never!"
"Never!"
(LAUGHING) What, you look like you trying to throw your hat in the ring.
No, I'm just setting the record straight, bubblehead.
Set the record straight on this. Now.
(WHOOPING) Good God Almighty, I smell them funky ribs!
Yeah, baby, they're good, too. Here, baby bro.
Now, I need your discriminate tongue to let me know if I'm still on track.
You know how I gets down.
Give him some bread and a Pepsi, right now!
No, no, I'm cool. I'm gonna wait on the chicken.
Skinless.
Why? You Muslim now? Yeah, what the hell?
You a Five Percenter?
Nah.
I just adopted a low-fat, high-fiber diet. Bianca and I...
(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)
"Bianca and I..." I know what it is.
The black Paris Hilton done sissified you off the pig.
That's what's up. It ain't like that, O.
Bullshit! You on that Hollywood shit. Nigga, please.
Give me... Let me see this. You see this swine is fine, divine, sublime
and right on time. Right on time!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Man! Look at that.
Want some of this dipping sauce, baby?
Yeah, go on. Get... Go on, taste a little piece of that.
Don't be scared. You got on the Kwanzaa outfit now.
Go on, get down, like you live. Go ahead and taste a piece of that.
Bite that. Go on, man.
How about a piece, Nelson Mandela?
Stop being so scary, man.
Farrakhan ain't nowhere around here.
Man! What's up, man?
Come on! The Last King from Scotland. Look.
With the Forest Whitaker eye.
(LAUGHING)
Wait, look. Put a little barbecue sauce on the dead eye.
Might jump up out of there.
(LAUGHING)
OTIS: (LAUGHING) Boy, you crazy.
(REGGIE AND OTIS CHATTERING)
Yes, indeed, that's gonna be good! Stir that up for me, Bilante.
Now, in episode 11, did you have to pull your titties out?
I had to have that chocolate cake.
But you threw it up. On purpose.
Whether on Survivor or in life, I believe in winning at all costs.
That's why RJ and I are perfectly matched.
(LAUGHING)
Girl, you tripping.
You better mind out, Betty.
Come on now, Mama.
Roscoe and winning don't even go in the same sentence.
Only Clyde gets that distinction.
Who's Clyde?
Oh.
I'm glad you asked.
Clyde is our cousin. He came to live with us once his folks went on to glory.
They became famous and left their child behind?
Bitch, are you crazy?
They was in a car accident. They dead. Goddamn!
Anyway, now Roscoe and Clyde was fierce rivals, though "rival"
is not quite accurate, 'cause Clyde used to whoop Roscoe's tail in everything.
I don't know about "everything," now, Betty.
Everything, Mama!
Basketball.
YOUNG CLYDE: Game!
Checkers.
King me.
Chess.
CLYDE: Checkmate.
Arm wrestling.
(KIDS LAUGHING)
(LAUGHING)
Oops.
That was me.
You're telling me RJ never won?
Never.
That is, of course, until the obstacle course in 1985.
Obstacle course?
BETTY.: Yep. It's a Jenkins family tradition.
PAPA: Have fun, now!
MAMA: Yeah!
Clyde, Roscoe, we got our eyes on you!
BETTY.: Clyde and Roscoe made a bet
that the winner would get to ask Lucinda Allen to the Spring Formal.
And who is Lucinda Allen?
BETTY.: Only the most popular Southern belle to ever come out of these parts.
The Spring Formal Queen that year.
BIANCA.: So what happened?
Girl, your man took off like a house on fire!
(ALL CLAPPING)
Come on!
He moved through that obstacle course faster than a runaway slave.
Doing it!
Now, see, Clyde was right there with his skinny ass, baby, neck and neck.
He was trying to hold on until the end.
But old Roscoe... Come on!
Old Roscoe broke that tape, baby.
He smiled so hard, I thought his cheeks would burst.
Yes!
(ALL CHEERING)
(WHOOPING)
Yes! I won!
BETTY.: I ain't never seen Mama and Daddy so proud as that day.
Aw.
BETTY: Now all Roscoe had to do was claim the real prize.
Lucinda? Hey.
Will you go to the Spring Formal with me?
Oh, Roscoe, how sweet, but Clyde just asked me.
Come on, Lucinda, let's get a strawberry soda.
My treat. LUCINDA: Okay.
Bye, Roscoe. Great race.
Bye.
BETTY.: I felt bad for the boy.
(LAUGHING)
Now, nobody knew about the bet, so Clyde just beat him to the punch.
(SAVING ALL MY LO VE FOR YOU PLAYING)
Clyde and Lucinda danced all night long, looking like eternal lovers.
And Roscoe looked like a hot mess.
And his date wasn't much better.
Lord Jesus!
But in typical Roscoe fashion, he snitched.
But that mess backfired.
Lucinda is a young lady, not some trophy you can win!
I'm very disappointed in you.
But what about Clyde?
Clyde will be dealt with.
Now drop your britches and bend over.
(GULPS)
Yipe!
BETTY.: But that Clyde... Girl, he is a smooth operator.
All right, what have you got to say for yourself?
I let Roscoe win.
It meant more to him to beat me,
and it meant more to me to go out with Lucinda.
She's so beautiful.
I know you're disappointed,
and if my parents were alive, they'd be disappointed, too.
But you're the only parent I got, Papa Jenkins.
So you do what you think is right. I'll understand.
Don't you ever let something like this ever happen again.
What?
You understand?
Yes, sir.
BETTY.: He went upstairs and cried like a baby.
Now, how you know Roscoe was crying?
(CRYING)
BETTY.: Because all his hollering woke me up from a sound sleep.
(LAUGHING)
So, are they still an item?
They dated awhile, but you know, the Queen is too pure for the likes of Clyde.
He needs a real woman.
Betty, y'all are cousins.
Whatever!
Now, the point is, Roscoe ain't been the same since Clyde stole Miss Lucinda.
I think they call that "evolution."
(GIGGLES)
RJ's clearly over any childhood crush.
BETTY: Really? Really.
Well, where do you think that "Team of Me" mess started?
(MOCKING LAUGH)
All right, Betty, that is enough.
Okay, Mama, but I'm just saying...
Come on in this house before I pop you.
BETTY: Now, somebody help that white girl.
She getting eggshells in the tater salad. Help her.
MAMA: Always running your mouth! You talk too much.
BETTY: Don't nobody want no crunchy-ass potato salad.
And you put vinegar on these? Yeah.
You gotta market these, O.
(EXCLAIMS)
RJ! Huh?
What the hell are you eating?
I'm not eating, baby, I'm tasting. These soy ribs.
You want some?
(GROANS) Forget it, carnivore!
Why don't you tell me about Lucinda Allen?
Oh. Oh, shit.
RJ: Lucinda Allen? That was a bad one, right there.
Well, see, I... Baby, she's just, you know...
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Hey, Clyde's here now!
(BEFORE I LET GO PLAYING)
Let me introduce you.
CLYDE: What's up, family?
Hi! (LAUGHING) Hey there, baby. What's up, baby?
You looking sharp. Look at you. Girl, Betty, you too much.
Clyde! What's up, O? What's up, Big Law?
I see you ain't getting no bigger. Look at you, boy.
Look at you, boy!
OTIS: Lucinda, what's up, baby?
(LAUGHING) Oh, my God, hi!
Good seeing you, baby.
Hey, look at you, boy. Look. You sure you our relative?
Little Mexican!
I got a little something for everybody!
I stopped to pick up some red velvet cakes for the picnic.
(GASPING)
From Cooter's Bakery in Tuscaloosa?
CLYDE: Yeah.
Well, you only get one golden anniversary, Mama J.
(EXCLAIMING) Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, yeah.
Hey! Hey, now!
(LAUGHING) There he is! What's up, Papa J? How you doing, man?
Is the fountain of youth around here somewhere,
or you been taking that Viagra?
(LAUGHING) You better watch it.
See, 'Cinda? Lucinda!
I'm so glad to see you. Welcome home.
Oh. Oh.
Now that's nostalgia for you, right there. Family spirit award goes to Roscoe!
Cross Colour Jones! Look at you, boy!
Still wearing Otis' hand-me-downs. Come here, man.
They're in the bag.
Well, the airlines lost my bag, so...
What's your excuse?
Man... Hey, man, this that Tiger Hoods, man.
You know me. I get my nine holes in.
Roscoe Jenkins.
(LAUGHING)
Oh.
Oh, it's been ages.
Wow, it's been so long!
(BIANCA CLEARS THROAT)
Clyde, Lucinda, this is my fiancee...
My fiancee... Bianca.
Bianca Kittles. How you doing? Bianca!
Sweeter than Skittles. Girl, you prettier in person.
Is that so?
You find somebody that say different, see if I don't slap them to sleep.
And I don't even get violent.
It's my pleasure, Bianca.
Wow, congratulations, you two. The pleasure's mine.
What's up with that?
(SINGING) And, Lord, we thank you for the pork ribs,
as well as, yes, the coleslaw, and...
I hear what you're saying, but look, I gotta go.
Thank You! And we thank You for the sweet potato pie,
and, yes, for the scrumptious red velvet cakes from Cooter's!
We thank You, Lord! And they all did say,
ALL: Amen!
We thank you for that beautiful benediction.
You mean long. RUTHIE: Otis!
Mama and I are just filled with joy
that so many friends and family have joined us on this very special occasion.
This woman has put up with me for five decades,
and I love her now more than ever. Thank you, baby.
All right, Papa J. Hear, hear, now.
(ALL CHATTERING)
BETTY: Clyde, you try some of this corn, baby?
And don't you forget these rolls, 'cause I made them with you in mind.
You butter the biscuits? (LAUGHING) You know I did.
OTIS: Hey, Betty? Betty.
What?
He's your cousin, not a potential tip.
You know what, Otis? Okay? Shut up.
Now, I'm just glad to see him, that's all. And, and... Okay, you, too, queenie.
Thank you, Betty.
So, Lucinda, I hear you two were high school sweethearts.
Oh, well, that was a long time ago.
Yeah. But you never forget your first love.
Ain't that right, 'Cinda?
LUCINDA: Yeah, I guess not.
Look at her. Just as beautiful as ever.
You know, I'm gonna leave some of these hood-rats alone
and get real serious about making this girl Mrs. Stubbs.
You know, matter of fact, Otis, get me a broom right now.
I'm gonna jump! Mazel tov!
You know what I'm talking about, Otis?
Don't believe this one, okay?
He's more interested in jumping bones than jumping brooms.
Ooh.
Well, best of luck to the both of you. You make a great couple.
(COUGHING) Bullshit!
Betty!
Excuse me, y'all, I had a piece of celery stuck in my throat.
CLYDE: Well, you know, I admit it. I like to play.
But, after I get me a couple of more dealerships,
I will be King of the South, who will need his Queen.
Well, my king has a surprise.
RJ's having a professional camera crew film the anniversary banquet!
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Tell them, honey! Go ahead!
Like my baby said, it was supposed to be a surprise.
A gift, really. You know, no big deal. Just a little something special for y'all.
That's so sweet.
Wait a minute. Hold up. Nigga, you got some cameras hidden around?
You done brought some cameras? Reggie...
You got that shit hidden around here? Oh, y'all seen his show.
Roscoe be jumping out of bushes on little midgets.
MAMA: Midgets?
Neglected albino children. Al-Qaeda leaders.
(CHANTING)
Rice, chicken kebab, chicken falafel...
(CHANTING)
(LAUGHING) Boy, you crazy. I'm telling you,
they be scattering like roaches, like Cops.
You gonna win a Emmy, and I'm voting for you.
Remember, son, this is a family celebration, not some Hollywood production.
Yes, sir.
Oh, hell, it'll be all right, Papa J.
I'm sure old Roscoe gonna do the right thing.
I'm just glad to see your baby boy back gracing us with his presence.
You done good, 'Scoe.
You got a outstanding career, beautiful fiancee, great son.
You finally winning, man.
Don't even matter that you could never beat me at nothing.
(MOCKING LAUGH) Oh, shit! That's the button.
RJ: What you trying to do, Clyde?
I'm trying my best to be a better man
and you trying to drag me into a penis-swinging contest?
MAMA: Oh, my goodness. That definitely ain't no contest.
(LAUGHING)
You a sad man, Clyde. Your competitive edge imprisons you.
Feel good for what you've done, not for what you haven't.
The one loss you suffered at my hands is still a burden to you.
Get over it. I have.
That's the "Team of Me."
(WHISPERS) That's right, baby.
Oh.
And just for the record, I'll beat you again. And worse.
Is that right?
Care to make it interesting? Little wager, perhaps?
For what? You'd just find a way to renege again, renigga.
ALL: Oh, shit.
I ain't never reneged on no bet.
You a damn liar!
Oh, this is getting hot!
You know damn well what the hell I'm talking about.
You're a sore loser, and you stole what was mine.
Lemonade is good, Mama.
There it is. That bitch done made you tough, Roscoe.
You hungry as shit, but that bitch done made you tough!
(DOOR SLAMS)
RJ: What is wrong with you?
BIANCA: I can't believe you're still pining after the prom queen.
We only said three words to each other!
Forty words.
And that Clyde, he's a smug son of a bitch.
No wonder he's a car salesman. He's slick and unethical.
Why the hell did you tell everybody about the camera crew?
They were gonna see them anyway.
And besides, we were losing ground. I had to make a move.
Bianca, this is not Survivor!
Oh, yes, it is.
Look, baby, baby, baby. Listen. Listen.
(SIGHS) Let's not fight, okay? I'm sorry.
Lucinda was just a crush, but I moved on.
So you're over her?
How can I not be, with you as my lady?
Yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Yeah!
Oh, baby. All the time I spent here, I never got a little piece of nothing.
No way. These walls are way too thin.
And plus, your family listens.
That's ridiculous!
Look, now, I want to speak in tongues.
(MUMBLING)
Nope. Forget it.
Damn!
Think you so damn special.
I sent a plasma, you bought cake. Negro, please!
Hey, Roscoe, I didn't know you were still up.
Hey, Lucinda, how you doing?
I'm great.
Who you talking to?
Nobody.
Well, actually, myself. I do that. You know, just practicing for the show.
You know, keep it fresh, you know?
Okay, I see. Can you take a break?
Damn!
This cake is scrumptious.
I knew you'd like it.
So, you said your publicist introduced you?
Yeah. Well, yeah.
We... We had her on the show after she won.
And... We just sort of connected, you know?
So how does she and Jamaal get along?
Real good.
You know, she got him eating right.
Maternal stuff.
He's a great kid.
Oh, thank you.
So, you and Clyde?
No. He was a familiar face when I moved to Atlanta.
He's sweet, but your cousin's a player.
What happened to your engagement? Wasn't there some guy?
Are you keeping tabs on me, Roscoe Jenkins?
Well, no, no, I heard things. You know... Look at my ears.
(LAUGHS) You know, I heard... I heard it. You know I heard it.
(LAUGHING) You stupid.
What did you hear? Huh?
That I went to school to find a husband, right?
See? Yeah, I did. I got engaged early.
I had the vision of having a two-income household,
three kids before 30, Sunday brunch with my homegirls...
Sounds good to me.
Don't it, though?
But the student loans never go away, you're still broke after grad school,
and he didn't want kids.
Ever.
So... Dream deferred.
I feel you.
Me and Jamaal's mom was a disaster.
I wasn't ready to be a parent, either. But he's my son.
Spoken like a true Jenkins man.
You need to finish that cake.
(EXCLAIMS) Shit.
'Cause if I don't watch this figure, who will?
I could think of some takers.
Me, too! Sign me up for that booty duty!
Hey, Reggie. We were just saying good night.
Hell, no, don't let me interrupt. Don't let me interrupt.
Don't let him interrupt.
LUCINDA: Oh, no, no, no. It's okay.
I need to go home and see my parents, and I'll talk to you guys tomorrow. Okay?
Good night. Good night.
Tell the truth. You got a woody, don't you?
Fool, if I had a woody, I'd flip this table over.
We was just catching up.
Your daddy don't want that plasma you bought. I'll just tell you that right now.
And it's a damn shame that it's just going to waste like that.
Just a TV, just sitting there, ain't gonna do nothing, man, is...
There's so many poor people down here that need...
Would you like that... That plasma, Reggie?
I... Boy, I ain't lying. I could use it.
Well, would you like to have it?
Yeah! I'm gonna get it and freak it. I'm gonna have it right.
Not gonna happen.
Just tight. That's just...
(ULULATING)
Hey, Lone Ranger, it's time to saddle up.
Uh-oh.
Gotta go.
Hi-yo, Silver! Off to the ATM machine!
Giddy-up! Yes.
Giddy-up!
It's gonna be a long weekend.
(FARTS)
Excuse me.
(FARTS LOUDER)
Excuse.
Baby, my Downward Dog is fine.
Your alignment's off.
Watch me.
(INHALES)
(EXHALES)
Damn, you are flexible!
Good morning, Reggie.
Good morning to you!
What's up, 'Scoe?
Fuck you looking at, Reggie?
You wanna glue your eyes back into your head, now?
Oh, my fault. I didn't mean to look, but I was just checking out the pose, man.
Hey! That is nice. That's hot. That is so hot.
Can I help you with something, Reggie?
Oh, your bag is here.
You couldn't just say that from Jump Street.
I was distracted, 'cause it looked like somebody hit you in the face
with a sack of nickels.
Well, maybe a foot in your ass'll help you focus, huh?
Maybe a slice of red velvet cake'll help you focus.
Man, get your look and move on. One look.
BIANCA: And down.
That's it. One. One!
One more, one more, one time.
That's it. Move on!
Oh, my God. Damn, 'Scoe!
BIANCA: Namaste.
Oh! Hey.
Reggie's got a Frank Aaron jersey, too, baby.
That's Hank, baby. And mine is a limited edition.
Reggie wouldn't even know where to look for one.
Oh, it's your world, player.
I'm just a squirrel trying to get a nut, if you know what I mean.
(DOG WHIMPERS)
Mmm.
Man, you need to get her pregnant soon. Come on, Bucky, let's go.
My God. Did you see that?
Yeah.
That's my jersey, ain't it?
Come on, Jamaal.
I don't think I'm cut out for softball.
Don't be such a girl about it.
Jamaal, forget all that. You a natural.
Plus, this was your dad's sport. All right?
The main thing is to relax and keep cool. Just like your dad.
RJ: Come on, we got them, we got them! We got them, come on, we got them!
We got them!
CLYDE: You out, sucka! Damn it!
CLYDE: Good throw, Betty!
How could this fool steal everything but third?
'Cause I got a cannon in this arm, boy! A-Rod ain't stealing on me.
Damn, I'm a thief. I don't never get caught stealing.
Can't steal third, brother, not around here.
My shirt! Go home, man.
Yeah, my fault. This ain't authentic, is it?
Where does that child think she is?
I don't know.
But I bet that come with paint remover. Good God!
RJ: Jamaal! Widen your stance, son.
Keep your eye on the ball. Choke up on the bat.
Focus. Okay.
BETTY: Do what your father told you, okay?
Now, don't be scared of Callie. I know she's big.
We all big. That's why you in question.
RJ: Jamaal! Focus.
PAPA: All right, it's 0 and 2. Come on, Jamaal.
Strike three!
MAMA: That's all right, baby.
That's a good try. God, this kid's pathetic!
You're making Grandma proud.
PAPA: Good try, Jamaal.
BETTY: No, no, it wasn't, Daddy.
Now, what is he, Roscoe? One of them meatless people?
Is he one of them vegans or vogans, whatever?
You need to feed that child, Roscoe, that's what's wrong with him!
You ain't giving him enough...
LUCINDA: Good one, Callie!
BETTY: Can't understand nothing. He's dumb in the brain.
MAMA: Come on, Roscoe! Hit one for Mama!
All I need you to do is make contact.
I got this.
You got a strikeout a-coming if you ain't careful.
"Youse got a strikeout coming if you ain't careful.
"Boy, youse gonna..."
OTIS: Y'all don't take the smile for a weakness all the time, okay?
REGGIE: I've never thought that.
Y'all think I'm weak or something.
No, I don't think you weak.
Okay. Don't. Okay. I thought you was Uncle Ben.
CLYDE: Hey.
Take a seat. Let me get this, right here.
All right. That's what I'm talking 'bout, now! Let the games begin! Come on, baby!
What the hell you think you doing, Clyde?
I'm about to strike you out, player!
I've got a narrow strike zone, boy.
CLYDE: Oh, that's all right, Papa J.
Anything wider than Roscoe head would be unfair.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Everybody sit down. Have a seat.
Take a load off. Get comfortable. Don't worry about it.
Bring the La-Z-Boys out here or something. Come on, boy.
I got this, right here.
What's up, 'Scoe? You ready?
You want to be in the big time? Here we go, yeah.
BETTY: Right here, baby!
Strike!
(WHOOPING)
That's better than air conditioning right there, boy.
(IMITATES SHIVERING)
(LAUGHING) Feel that breeze?
Come on, Roscoe!
They just talking smack, baby. You can do it, baby!
Focus, RJ! Come on. Get a hit!
(EXCLAIMS)
"Focus, RJ!"
All right, everybody good? Betty, all right, give me a little something.
Okay.
Okay, I got you. Good to go. All right, cool, cool, cool.
Right here.
Crush it! Kill it!
(GRUNTS)
(EXCLAIMS)
You hit my mama! Mama!
BETTY: Oh, my God! CLYDE: Oh, no, no!
Mama J!
MAMA: Oh, Jesus.
REGGIE: That done knocked the wig off and everything. Damn!
RJ: Hey, get off me about it right now.
OTIS: Oh, really? Get off you about it? RJ: That's right.
Yeah, okay? Stop sweating me about it.
But I was trying to tell you to wait on the flutterball.
You up there swinging like Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon,
now my mama got a red titty on her head!
She's my mama, too, O.
We don't know that. You could be adopted.
Look, I gotta get the fish. Meet me at Monty's. Can you do that?
Mama, I'm sorry. Really sorry, Mama.
I know, baby. Mama'll be all right.
Heck, Mama, I was trying to hit it out the park. I didn't know it was going that way.
I'm getting my headache, baby. Be quiet.
Daddy...
Son, we all make mistakes.
We just have to learn from them.
Though I don't know what you learn by giving your mama a concussion.
OFFICER: Hey, Big O!
I don't know how you take it down here, O.
Man, you was the best linebacker in the state.
If it wasn't for your knee injury, shoot!
Man, you'd be in the NFL, living in a mansion, driving a Benz.
Yeah, that's good, man. But, you know, it wasn't in God's plans for me.
God's plan is cool, but you needed the "Me" plan.
Oh, man, stop talking that bullshit. I ain't no failure. I'm a king.
I got a great family,
I live in a great community that I love and that loves me back.
You the failure.
How do you figure that?
I made it.
Oh, why? 'Cause you got some money? 'Cause you on TV?
What else you got to show for it?
Everything I ain't have growing up.
What you ain't have that was that important?
Hey, why don't Jamaal know how to play baseball?
You used to love to play, and you was halfway decent.
Man, I ain't got time for all that. Besides, Jamaal only loves soccer.
I think Jamaal would love whatever sport his father showed interest in.
(MOCKING LAUGH) Oh, so you a parenting expert, now?
Man, all I'm saying is don't let money raise your kids.
Well, don't let cornbread and chitlins raise yours.
What you looking at me like that for, O?
Yeah, I said it. Why you approaching me?
I just didn't hear you.
I said what you looking at me like that for?
Ain't nobody scared of you.
What'd you say before that?
Don't let what?
Don't let chitlins, cornbread, ham hocks,
cheese sticks or none of that raise your kids.
That's what I said. What, you got hostility? What, what... What's happening?
This ain't your little brother no more, O. I'm a grown man.
You know, I don't get ass whoopings, I give 'em out.
Mmm-hmm?
You a officer here in Mayberry.
Come on... What you carry? A flashlight and a baton?
A'ight. Tell you what. Maybe...
If you a good old boy, I hire you as my security.
(LAUGHS) Yeah, I got the pull. I can do it.
Big-ass...
Now you and Mama got matching titties. Maybe y'all are related.
(FUNK MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
You know, you should do a show about scrawny little brothers
that constantly get bitched. Look at your head!
Yeah, but... Thank you. But my next show gonna be about prison hoes
who mask conjugal visits as Bible readings.
Yeah, it's gonna be called "Bible Thumpers or Bible Humpers?"
You available?
(LAUGHING)
You got time?
What you feeling?
Oh. Oh, okay. You better get your Butterfinger-eating ass back in the car.
I may not hit a woman, but I'll beat a bitch's ass.
Oh, is that what you gonna do? Yeah.
That's what you gonna do? What?
You gonna beat a bitch's ass? Oh... Oh...
What bitch you gonna beat, 'Scoe?
What bitch you gonna beat, huh, 'Scoe? That's what it's like?
Is that what it's like? Hold up.
What bitch you gonna beat, 'Scoe?
You snapped my neck, little... Look out! You didn't know. Golden glove.
Watch. I'm gonna give you a dirty, South-ass whipping, boy!
Come on, come on! Bring it back! Bring it back, punk! Come on, bring it on back!
(SCREAMING)
Oh!
Roscoe, get your damn... Get off of me, 'Scoe!
(BOTH GRUNTING)
That ain't weave, fool! You gonna be sorry!
(GRUNTING)
Wait a minute! You done pulled out my damn tracks! What you gonna do, RJ?
I'm sick of you! I'm sick! Say you sorry. Say uncle. Say uncle! Say uncle!
Say it! Talk your shit now, you fake-ass Bruce Lee!
You wanna get up? You wanna get up?
Come on, come on. I done told you about your mouth!
I am not a ho!
I am doing God's work! Say, "Praise the Lord!"
(GRUNTS)
(GROANING)
Now I'm gonna tell you something. You'd better be glad I'm a good Christian,
'cause the next time I might not be so merciful.
You done made me lose my protection from the Lord.
Father God, forgive him, for he know not what he do.
I'm gonna pray for you, Roscoe.
Thank you, I...
(WEAK COUGH)
(GROANING)
RJ: Hey, Lucinda.
Oh, my God! Roscoe, are you okay?
What do you mean?
Well, your face looks like you got run over by a tractor.
Really? I feel fine.
Well, it looks terrible. Here, sit.
(CHUCKLES)
Oh, my God.
Here.
(GRUNTING)
That feels good.
Good, good.
Hey, it might be a good idea to stop teasing everybody.
(LAUGHS)
This is nothing.
Why you trying to front?
I'm not fronting.
(EXCLAIMS IN PAIN)
See? See? You know you're hurting.
The Roscoe Jenkins I knew would've owned up to it.
Well, this is RJ Stevens you're tending to now, girl.
Yeah, the new and improved Roscoe 7.0.
I think Roscoe 1.0 was just fine.
Oh!
I didn't know you were back.
We weren't doing nothing!
Nothing much, that is.
Well, good. Why don't you give me a hand, Roscoe?
Papa J, I thought you wanted me to help.
No, that's all right. Roscoe's got this.
Yeah, I got this.
(HAMMERING)
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
Son, you are ready to get married, aren't you?
(CHUCKLES)
Of course! Yeah. Why do you ask?
Well, if I didn't know any better,
I'd think there's something going on between you and Lucinda.
Oh, no! I'm just, you know...
We're just catching up.
Daddy, the wedding is gonna be hot.
Got the caterer, R. Kelly's singing...
Beyonce is gonna choreograph the Electric Slide.
Roscoe, I think you know what I'm saying.
The marriage isn't about the wedding day.
Your mama and I got married right out there in the front yard.
I know, but... Well, Bianca wants a big wedding with all the trimmings.
Is that what you want?
Yeah, I... I think.
(STAMMERS) I do. I do.
(CHUCKLES)
How does Jamaal feel about that?
Jamaal, he... Jamaal's cool, Daddy.
Be mindful of that boy. He never sees his own mother.
From what he tells me, he doesn't see much of you, either.
I'm trying, Daddy. All right? But the show keeps me so busy...
The show. Team of Me. I never quite understood that.
Well, it's... It's just a saying, you know? Protect yourself. Be your own man.
Well, that's fine, son, but...
There are times you gotta depend on others, family and friends.
I mean, you never learned anything like that around here.
And that's certainly not something you teach a child.
Some kids learn it on their own, Daddy.
(RJ SNORING)
Honey! I've been busy with a personal project all morning
and I'm exhausted, so... Be a dear and walk Fifi for me?
Come on, baby. Let Feef run around and enjoy nature.
I was hoping to get a little nap.
Aw.
My little man is tired.
Well, I promise I'll do any little thing you want if you do this little thing for me.
Plus, I want to show you my little project.
(BUZZING)
What project?
Damn!
Are those my initials?
BIANCA: Mmm-hmm.
I told you it was yours.
You're a hell of an artist, baby.
Come on, Feef!
Come on, Feef, go pee.
(RATTLING)
Oh, shit! Snake! Feef! Come on, Feef!
(DOG WHIMPERING)
Run, Fifi! Run! Come on!
Come on! Hey! Lucinda... Hey, what's the matter?
Don't go down there. Fifi's cornered by this big-ass poisonous snake.
And you left her?
No! Lucinda! Save yourself!
(LUCINDA SCREAMING)
You see? I'm sorry, Fifi!
I ain't sucking out no... No poison!
You okay, girl? Yeah? You just got a little scare, huh?
(LAUGHS)
Fifi...
It's okay. It's all right.
She all right? Yeah.
Here you go. See? It was just a little milk snake.
(EXCLAIMS)
Now, that wasn't the snake I saw. It was an anaconda or a python.
Well, we don't have those down here.
For real? Uh-huh.
There you go.
You want to take a walk?
Sure.
You out here running off that red velvet cake, huh?
I deserve some cake.
Yeah, no...
Oh, come on, you heard the stories. Hell, you witnessed a bunch.
Everybody did everything better than me. So, I found something I'm good at.
I get in front of that audience and they feel me.
More than anyone here ever did.
Please, Roscoe. What family doesn't mess with one another?
I mean, I got teased to no end about my skinny legs.
Yeah, well, you do have some slim-jims.
Oh, shut up!
You could pick your teeth with those legs.
(LAUGHING) Shut up.
See? You can dish it out, boy. Especially when it comes to Clyde.
(SCOFFS) Clyde.
Clyde's big-headed ass needs to be knocked off his high horse sometimes.
Why are you two always digging at each other?
Because Clyde is dirty, and will use any underhanded trick to win.
Aren't you exaggerating just a little?
No.
And what was all that "you stole what was mine" business?
At the picnic. What did he steal?
A great opportunity.
Well, if it was that great, why can't you create another one?
Maybe I will.
Maybe you should.
Well, well, well. Here y'all are again!
Caught you, didn't I? Mamma gonna get ya...
This raises some eyebrows.
Well, sing like a canary, Reggie. Whistle.
(HUMMING)
All that with the birds. Harmonize with 'em. But you're not getting the plasma.
I was walking the dog.
How's that? Bucky's with us.
I'm talking about Fiona. Where is Feef?
Oh, I think she's down by the gully.
Where's Bucky?
Down by the gully.
REGGIE: He's gonna tear it up.
(BUCKY HOWLING)
Bucky, get your ass off!
(WHINING)
Oh, my God.
(EXCLAIMS)
(YELPING)
She is so working him.
Don't be surprised if he starts barking in tongues.
(FIFI YELPS)
Bucky done turned the bitch out.
(EXHALES)
Reg, not a word.
I got you.
Is that plasma TV under warranty?
Mmm.
I'm a steel trap, player. That dog gonna need counseling.
You gonna be all right?
Maybe she won't notice.
(RJ EXHALES)
Oh, baby, me and Fifi had so much fun out there,
we completely lost track of time.
Yeah, Daddy loves himself some Fifi. Isn't that right, Fifi?
Daddy loves his little Fifi! Yeah! Oh, we was running all over the place, baby.
Yeah, she may need a bath. She got dirty. Real dirty.
Now see here, buster.
Your alliance is with me, not the prom queen.
Oh, come on, baby. There's no other alliance. All right?
Now how about you show me that little project?
I shaved off my little project.
Why'd you do that?
If I discover there's a mutiny afoot, I'm gonna shave off your little project.
Understand?
Damn!
MAN ON TV.: One timer! Kaberle.
Goal!
(ALL LAUGHING)
Dang, you got game, nephew. It's all right.
Hey, Dad!
Roscoe Malley! What's up, man?
So I heard you been running around with my girl again. Come on, man.
Let's play the game. Me and Junior take on you and Jamaal.
Yeah.
I don't play children's games.
Oh, is that right? Then what's your poison, brother?
(RATTLING)
Ya hear that, though. You like that, eh?
Yeah, I've been dying to play a little click-clack.
Sure you want to take it there, Clyde?
'Cause I don't play for fun.
Ain't no fun losing money.
Then you're about to have a bad time.
(BOTH EXCLAIMING)
Seven! Oh, that's gonna be all day right there!
RJ: Can you handle it? Money maker! Money maker!
Daddy needs a new pair of gators.
Watch this right there.
Talking about shake 'em up, shake 'em up, wake 'em.
Oh!
Yeah, Dad!
Daddy, yes!
You know what, man? I admire you.
Yeah? I admire you, Roscoe.
I mean, you still keep trying. You know, 'cause even when I lose, I win.
Ooh. Ooh.
Well, then this must feel like the championship,
'cause you're losing the grip. Bitch!
(ALL LAUGHING)
Right there. Come on, baby, eat for Mama.
Binata?
You're not listening. Now, I told you to take that dog out of my kitchen.
It just ain't sanitary! What's wrong with people?
Bringing damn dogs up in folks' kitchen? Don't make no damn sense.
(SCREAMING)
That ain't nothing, you ain't even slick with yours, so that's the problem.
Everybody see what you're doing, man. But she mine, bro.
Yeah? Well, you might want to tell her that, 'cause she's feeling a brother.
(LAUGHING) Seven again!
All right, grease is hot, I need that fish.
RUTHIE: Here you go, baby.
Thank you.
Mmm.
It's a little sweet, but it's delicious.
Yes! And that wine of yours, baby, set it right off!
The '67 Margaux? Yeah!
That's a $600 bottle!
And worth every penny!
Oh!
Seven again!
Oh!
Somebody stop it!
(LAUGHING)
Come on, roll the dice, man.
Oh, I get it. That's mine, that's mine.
Pass on that ass.
Oh! ALL: Oh!
Could it be?
No, no, no, no.
I call gator on that right there.
Nigga, this ain't Monopoly.
Hey, hey, man! Roll again, bro.
Clyde, you better un-ass me before you find yourself a pinky short.
You better roll again before you find yourself an artery short.
(RJ GROWLING)
You brought it on yourself! You brought it on yourself, Clyde!
Let's go get some fish. Okay. Come on, Jamaal.
Is this what you wanted, Clyde? That's what you want.
That's right! That's right! That's Junior Varsity right there, bro!
(BOTH SCREAMING)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
Feel that?
Oh, that's your ass right there!
(ALL LAUGHING)
Wait, wait, stop!
Y'all better stop all that running through my kitchen!
Got you! Yeah!
You broke Daddy's table! We worked hard on this!
(SCREAMING)
That's 'cause you fixed it!
(WOMEN LAUGHING)
(ALL CHATTERING)
AMY: I said, why are you drinking when you're pregnant?
Well, they said I could have a glass of wine.
Really?
They didn't say how many times you could refill it, though, baby.
I want to be pregnant!
How about another one?
Let's do it, Balolo.
Clyde-o-mania, baby!
(GROANING)
You ended up with a big dog now, boy. You ought to check my dental records.
(BOTH SCREAMING)
Lord, these fools been playing dice.
Hey, knock it off!
Ladies, get the tartar sauce and the hot sauce,
'cause the Jenkins family is about to throw down!
(CLYDE AND RJ SCREAMING)
(SCREAMING)
(CLYDE AND RJ GRUNTING)
(ALL CLAMORING)
(SHOUTING) Man, what are y'all doing?
Stop that...
(WOMEN SHRIEKING)
BIANCA: RJ, no!
It's hot! It's hot!
(WOMEN SCREAMING)
OTIS: Oh, hell no!
RUTHIE: Oh, my God.
AMY: Are you okay?
Oh, my God.
He started it. He started it.
(SINGING) What they heading for now What they heading for now...
Damn! Poor Mama.
You should have had more prenatal care. Look at your kids.
I'm sorry.
(WHIMPERING)
Baby, I'm sorry.
It was an accident.
Silence, shower, strategy.
That's all I need right now.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Boy, the shower is all yours.
(REGGIE LAUGHING)
You used all my shit!
Yeah, what?
And you're wearing my robe?
What... Now, you little...
Bianca, how's Fiona doing? She still spooked by that snake?
What snake?
REGGIE: The snake Lucinda saved Fifi from.
I mean, she seems pretty relaxed. That's probably 'cause...
Satellite! Huh, 'Scoe?
Satellite, pay-per-view, premium channels, sports channels,
platinum titty channels... All that, man.
Playboy channels?
Yeah, butt-naked channels. You like butt-naked?
Oh, I got to have it.
You like when they butt-naked, showing all ass?
You know it. Gospel channels?
Yeah, you... Gospel, all that!
Telemundo? You like Telemundo?
I like... I like Spanish.
All that!
All the...
(IMITATING TANGO MUSIC)
My man. Peace.
(SNARLING)
I don't know who you are anymore, Roscoe Jenkins.
Baby, it's me.
It's RJ.
Are you really willing to put your career, your future, in jeopardy over a crush?
Career? Baby, we're getting married.
Get your priorities in order and decide what and who you really want.
Let that simmer while you sleep on the couch tonight.
We're going to take a shower.
(SHOWER RUNNING)
Reggie! Hell, no!
Get your nasty ass outta here!
I didn't know that was you. You knew I was in here!
You is a nasty common freak!
There is a naked linebacker in our shower right now.
Now, you done brought that little white gal up in here,
now you trying to sneak around and see some black meat?
Girl, ain't no... I didn't try to come here and look at you!
Well, then hand me my feminine wash!
I can see why you can't keep a man, now.
You got to lay off them Milky Ways and Doritos and tortillo chips.
And your mother shouldn't have did them goddamn drugs
when she was pregnant with you! That's what's wrong with your black ass!
God, your titties are huge, Betty.
Look, I'm gonna tell Daddy.
I'm gonna tell my daddy that you are in here trying to see my treats, Reggie.
Wait, you're gonna be lying if you tell him that!
Then what was you doing in here?
I thought that...
Can I just give you this bubblegum and get on out of here?
What? You wanted Chick-fil-A, that's what you got.
I'm Burger King. I'm a Double Whopper.
You want to see this dark meat? I don't play that foolishness. You're sick.
I do want to see the black meat, but I don't want to see a bundle of it.
Get out of here, you sick nasty bastard!
RJ: She gonna put me out of my room.
She's a survivor... I'm a survivor! Kiribati, my ass!
Good night, vegan!
(RJ LAUGHS)
Finally, peace at last.
(SNORING)
Bucky!
You stinky dog! Bucky!
Oh, hell no!
(SCREAMING)
He done pissed in my eyes!
It stinks! My eyes! It burns!
Oh, Lord! Oh! Oh...
(GROANING)
It stink. It stink. My eyes are burning. It got in my mouth!
They're burning!
Where did I go wrong with that boy?
Mama! Mama! Mama!
Lord have mercy.
RJ: Mama!
(DEODRANT SPRAYING)
(WHISPERING) I don't know what that is.
WOMAN: (WHISPERING) Hell, no, that ain't me.
What the...
Come on, baby brother, ease up, man. You got my eyes tearing.
My skin is all itchy. Don't do that, man!
Smells like garbage truck juice out here.
PAPA: Today
you all continue the Dry Springs obstacle course tradition.
So get out there and display that Jenkins family athletic prowess!
And, no matter what, have fun!
(ALL CHEERING)
Good luck, young man. Make me proud.
Win something. Go on, have a good time.
BETTY: Have fun.
Jamaal, nobody remembers who came in second, okay?
So you gotta get pumped, right? Loosen up.
Loosen up your muscles. Come on, loosen up! Come on, come on!
Win! Win! We're winners. We're winners.
Ease up now, Kiribati.
Jamaal, go. This ain't none of your business, Clyde.
Look, come on, man. This is just kids having fun.
Well, it ain't no fun getting beat. You should know that, Cadillac man.
Hey, that was one time! Even a blind squirrel can find a nut.
Who are you calling a squirrel?
"Who are you calling a squirrel?"
Roscoe, that's who! A blind, stink-ass squirrel.
And you the nut. Koo-koo!
Hey, leave my lady out of this. I know you're not calling my victory a fluke.
Oh, fluke, luck, one in a million shot, yeah.
Well, bring it on, Clyde. We can do this right here, right now.
(ALL ARGUING)
He's always been a loser. He's always gonna be a loser.
(ALL CONTINUE ARGUING)
Hey, Daddy! Daddy, you hear these fools? I'm gonna arrest them!
(PAPA SHOUTS)
You two been at this for 20 years.
Go ahead. Knock yourselves out. Starting line, 10 minutes!
Oh, yeah? Yeah, Daddy! Yeah!
Starting line, 10 minutes, Clyde! Ten minutes. Ten minutes.
Ten minutes, Clyde!
BIANCA: Get him!
Ten minutes to countdown, baby! Come on, Clyde.
Gunfight at the O.K. Corral!
REGGIE: Oh, shoot, it's the Negro Olympics!
Dad, are you sure about this?
Focus, son. Concentrate.
Cut me in or cut it out! Clyde is favored to do the job!
Good luck, 'Scoe. That's right. Who gonna bet?
Y'all better strap yourselves in, 'cause this here's gonna be funny!
Hey, Reggie, let me get some of that action!
I got a pulled hamstring for Clyde and a back spasm for Roscoe.
(BETTY LAUGHING)
RJ's in top shape. Your man? No shape.
Clyde is not my man. We are just...
Just friends.
Yeah. Like you and RJ?
What are you talking about?
I've been watching you.
Trying to win favor with Jamaal. Realizing what you missed out on.
It's pathetic. And you're too late.
'Cause there are no second chances for washed-up prom queens.
(EXCLAIMS) Sorry. Sorry.
Now, that was painful. You a bad bitch.
You bad.
A bad bitch, Betty? Please, okay?
She is a fake celebrity, all right?
Her only claim to fame is trading her panties for peanut butter.
That's some nasty shit there.
News flash, honey. Those panties went for 20 grand online.
Wait a minute. Twenty grand for your panties?
Yes.
Well, wait, I got some panties, okay?
I got the good panties, I got the thong panties,
I got the period panties. They might...
Betty, I got a news flash for you.
Bucky boned Fifi.
Oh, Lord!
Well?
Did he kill her?
She was on top.
BETTY: The Pomegramian?
LUCINDA: Now that is a bad bitch. BETTY: Oh, my God.
Fifi!
Your dog's a whore!
All right. On your mark!
Get set!
(ALL CHEERING)
Run, baby!
Get out the way!
What is wrong with them?
(GRUNTING)
(ALL SHOUTING)
Go!
Oh, get back! Don't want nothing...
Hey, get back, sucka. Watch out! Hey! Get off me!
CLYDE: I got him! I'm going!
Oh, no! Share that!
Share that.
(SCEAMING) I'm gone!
(EXCLAIMS)
Redemption! Redemption!
Oh, no! No!
Forget it!
You gotta go, Rasta boy!
(GRUNTS)
No! Hey!
(GRUNTING)
Cannonball!
Oh, shit!
(GRUNTING)
Hit the floor, baby! G.I. Joe!
Navy SEAL! Navy SEAL!
Slip and slide, Clyde!
(GRUNTING)
Try the South Beach Diet, fat-ass! Yeah!
(LAUGHING)
Come on, baby!
No, you don't!
Oh, hell no! No!
(LAUGHING TRIUMPHANTLY)
(GRUNTING)
(CROWD EXCLAIMING)
(SQUEALING)
Man, I felt that in my stomach.
(GRUNTS)
OTIS: Come on, baby! Let's go!
No! No! Hold on!
(SCREAMING)
Son, no! Wait!
(SCREAMING)
Sorry, Dad!
You! You wait! You...
(SCREAMING)
Hold on, baby! Hold on!
BETTY: Go, Clyde, go!
(CLOTH RIPPllNG)
Oh!
(LAUGHING)
That's all right, baby!
REGGIE: Look at them stretch marks!
Let's go, Jamaal! You can do it! OTIS: Go! Go!
Whoo! Yeah!
It's your ass! Come on...
Oh, I got you now. See you at the finish line, boy.
Get up, baby! Get up!
Yeah! Yeah...
You see that? Upper body strength.
That's what being in the gym will do for you!
Well, I'm a power runner. True warrior! Man! I ain't never scared!
Yeah, me, neither!
(SCREAMING)
I'm going down! I'm going down!
Mama...
I'm gonna die!
(GROANING)
(EXCLAIMING)
BETTY: Go, Clyde, go!
Go, RJ! Get him!
Help me, Dad! Hey, come on!
Dad! Dig in, come on!
I can't! Help! Dad!
Come on, son!
Come on, Clyde, you can do it.
(GROANS)
Come on. Come on. Come on, son! Go!
I'm trying! Dig in, son!
Hurry up! Dig in! Go!
Leave him, baby, leave him! Don't let Clyde beat you! Don't let him win!
Win, RJ, win!
What? What?
BIANCA: Go, go, go!
(GRUNTING)
Don't give up, son! Don't give up!
BIANCA: Go, baby, go!
Come on, baby! Go!
(GROANS)
Watch out!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, baby.
No... No, that's all right.
This is just a mess.
(GRUNTING) Oh, yeah, sucker!
Oh, no! Hell, no! Hell, no!
Oh, no, you don't! No, you don't!
(CROWD CHEERING)
Yeah! Yes! Yeah!
Welcome to the top, winner!
Oh! Yeah!
Give it up, Clyde. I still got it.
This is gonna haunt your dreams for the next 20 years! Yeah!
Loser! Callie!
Built for comfort, not for speed.
Hey, good save, Steroid Stan! Good save, boy.
But you know what? Too bad this ain't a team competition.
You know why? 'Cause I'm the leader!
Yes! Captain of the Team of Me!
Just me! Just me, baby! Just me!
Yeah!
Come here, son.
No, thanks.
Jamaal! Jamaal!
What in God's name is wrong with you?
What? He challenged me, Daddy. So I stepped to the plate.
What was I supposed to do, back down?
Hey, don't use that tone with me! Show some damn respect!
Where's my respect, Daddy? Damn!
You've never given me credit for nothing I done!
Credit for what? Winning a child's race? Buying some fancy TV?
Or that bullshit show of yours?
Yes! Yes, Daddy! Yes! Give me some credit! Show me some damn credit!
Then I feel very sorry for you.
So, Clyde gets off easy again.
It wasn't just me out there, Daddy.
I know he lost his father, but why did I have to lose mine, too?
Why, Daddy?
Well, now I see why you stayed away for nine years.
Hey. Hey, Roscoe. Look, man...
I never tried to take your place.
I was just trying to fit in.
'Cause even though we're cousins, you're my brother, man.
Oh, now you're Mr. Innocent? Please!
Don't fall for it, honey. He's just trying to suck you in.
Oh, look, heifer, your narrow ass about to get sucked in
if something... Hey, don't do this. You got a case.
I will cut you.
You got a case pending.
RJ: You know what? We're going.
I'm not afraid of her.
You need to be afraid of her. You don't watch Wild Kingdom?
You ain't never seen a lion attack a gazelle?
She about to smack the CoverGirl off your face.
You better get up out of here.
'Scoe. 'Scoe. Hey, look, man...
BETTY: Let him go. Let him go.
Get off of me, Reggie!
Come on, baby.
BETTY: I can see your spine. Look at that snake!
It was so good to see you, Jamaal.
Yeah.
Don't you forget to stay in touch
with your grandma and grandpa, you hear?
I will. Thanks, Mama Jenkins.
Well, here's something for the road.
Meatloaf, your favorite.
Thanks, Mama.
Oh, I just hate to see you go. But I understand.
Lord have mercy, I understand.
Just don't let it be another nine years, okay?
Promise? Yeah.
We love you.
I love you, too, Mama.
(CAR STARTING)
BIANCA: Honey, don't be sad. I'm sorry things didn't work out.
I promise we'll fix this together.
I hope so, baby.
We'll come up with a new plan.
Yeah, we have more time to work on the speech.
We'll film the banquet in LA, hire actors. It'll look better.
Hire actors? To play my family?
Honey...
We're getting married and forming a powerful merger.
Where does your family fit into that?
I guess they don't.
Dad, are you serious?
Jamaal!
Haven't you realized by now who your father's become?
It's all about the Team of Me.
This is Team Stevens, and you need to get on board.
I'm a Jenkins.
RJ, please talk to your son.
(SIGHS)
She's right, Jamaal. We gotta move forward, all right?
You think just because you bonded with everybody
I'm gonna send you down here for summers and Christmases...
(SCOFFING)
So you can be influenced by these people? But... But, Dad!
No buts, Jamaal.
In fact, you know, let's not even invite them to the wedding.
(GASPS) Oh, my God! I'm so glad you said that!
I've been thinking that ever since I met Betty.
I don't blame you. Bitch ain't got no class.
You can say that again.
(CHUCKLES)
No class.
(SCOFFS) We can say that about a few people in your family.
Right, baby?
Right?
BIANCA: Honey, you are so doing the right thing.
And making me so hot in the process.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Well, prepare to cool off, 'cause I'm done with you.
You crazy-ass bitch! You know what? Thank you, Bianca.
Thank you so much
for letting me finally see you for the arrogant, sex-crazed,
pretentious, fake-ass celebrity wannabe that you are.
Thank you, Bianca. Thank you.
(SCOFFS) Oh, well, you're so welcome, Roscoe!
I knew it. You can't handle me.
You're not man enough. You don't have the balls!
King Kong don't have the balls! Bounce!
You just signed your career death certificate.
Our alliance is officially over!
And so are you. Come on, Fiona.
Come on, Fifi. Come to Mommy.
(BARKS)
It looks like your alliance is over,
and you've been voted off the island.
Bianca, the tribe has spoken. Bounce!
(FIONA BARKING)
(SCREAMS IN FRUSTRATION)
Dad, you're the man!
I told you who the boss was.
Let's go.
Wait, my bags!
I love you, son. I love you, too, Dad.
Let's go home.
(PEOPLE APPLAUDING)
Mama said,
"Girl, it ain't right
"to throw hot grits on a man when you have a disagreement. "
Sound advice. Real good advice, but did I listen?
No. Old Betty had to do it her way.
And that was my second husband.
God knows I didn't mean to burn him.
But my third husband, Buck, baby...
Buck was good to me!
And any time you get somebody
that's good to you like that, you love 'em.
Big black Buck had the keloid hanging from the ear.
(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)
Looked like he had a leather hearing aid. Stop!
Daddy, I know you didn't like Buck a lot,
but Buck was a good man when he got out of jail.
I'm gonna tell you something. He did everything he said he was gonna do.
And do you know, Buck was the only man,
the only man that could pick me up?
Baby, y'all don't know what it's like
for a man to scoop you up like that.
Betty. Betty... I'm trying to tell 'em!
Scoop you like... Betty.
Get off of me! I'm not finished. Betty.
You a hater! I ain't no hater.
We only got five hours to be here.
Shut up!
Thank you, Betty! Thank you! Yeah!
And now for our next testimonial. It'll come from Clyde.
All right, how's everybody doing? Ain't God good?
All the time.
It is a pleasure and a privilege to be here
for Papa J and Mama J's 50th anniversary.
Lord, growing up in this Jenkins household was something else.
And Papa J is a strong man. I mean, well, this the kind of person,
when he say he'll slap the black off you,
I mean the black really will come off.
I woke up light-skinned at least three times in my life.
(ALL CHUCKLING)
Yeah, I got it all back.
You all right? You barely ate.
But you know, working in his hardware store...
I just wish Roscoe were here.
Roscoe made his choice.
You didn't give him much of one.
What was I supposed to do? Be disrespected in my own home?
Be his father.
Giving him your name doesn't make him you, Roscoe.
It doesn't make him Betty or Otis or even Clyde.
He's Roscoe Junior. RJ.
And for a boy who didn't feel the support of his family,
he's doing quite well for himself.
... sleeping in the bottom bunk bed,
you know, under RJ, and then
I was nervous 'cause he would pee in the bed.
And that would, you know, that would...
I would have some scary nights sometime.
You know, it's hard sleeping with a raincoat on, you know.
And, you know, and...
And I tried to explain to them that, you know,
that's Roscoe the one that's peeing in the bed, not me.
And, he...
(SOBBING)
You know, just the way they took me in was so gracious.
They didn't have to do that. I thank you.
I thank y'all and...
Because I don't know where I would be right now if...
(CRYING LOUDLY)
Nigga, what is you crying for?
Big old Sugar Bear-looking-ass boy. Sitting up there crying.
He's still wearing the pajamas with the feet in 'em.
Wow, I've never seen Clyde cry before.
Ain't nobody crying. I'm just cleansing.
No, those some real tears right there. I know.
I've cried more than a newborn baby getting his ass popped.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Hey, guys.
RJ.: I've been beat up... Hey, Jamaal!
... insulted, laughed at...
A lot.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Hey, you're laughing already.
I lost more games and competitions
to Clyde than I can remember.
Oh, 3,459 and counting.
Thank you, Clyde.
I thought I was a loser.
So I went away
and transformed myself into what I thought was a winner.
But being around y'all is a 24/7
reality check.
Y'all rough on a brother.
The clothes, the car, the Survivor...
Y'all pull no punches.
You know that's right!
Betty, you got a hell of a right hand.
That's no joke. And O, you got a hell of a left hand.
That's right.
But look, I...
I want to thank you, all of you, my family.
Thank you for making me a better man.
For giving me strength to...
To withstand anything this world throws at me.
For unconditional love,
and a place to call home.
I'm not gonna do it. I'm not gonna cry.
Happy Anniversary, Mommy, Daddy. I love you.
I'm so proud of you.
I know. We all need love.
Yeah, come on, Clyde. We gonna let them
have this moment, all right? I just want a hug, O.
I know, baby. Come over here and let's...
Son,
if I ever drove you away, if I ever made you feel unworthy,
I'm sorry. I love you. Glad to have you back.
And those words you just said, that's the best gift
I've ever received, RJ Stevens.
Well, it's from the heart, Daddy. And the name is Jenkins.
Roscoe Steven Jenkins. Just like my daddy.
ALL: Aw.
Reggie, come here. What the hell is wrong with you, nigga?
What the hell has gotten into you? Man, he needs help.
Go get her, son.
(SAVING ALL MY LO VE FOR YOU PLAYING)
Lucinda? Yes?
I waited 20 years to create this opportunity.
Would you dance with me?
I'd love to.
Lucinda, I'm happy for you.
Hey! Betty, come on, let's get out here and cut a rug, girl.
Negro, we're cousins. That's nasty!
So desperate. That's a damn shame.
You gonna play me for him? He got on an ankle bracelet!
Thank you.
(LAUGHING)
Did you see the bedroom?
BETTY: Look at Roscoe trying to be in love.
I heard that.
PAPA: Now, that's a good picture.
Oh, look at that. Yeah, this should be good.
There's Sugar Bear Clyde.
Look at that.
That looks good, Reggie. That's a blue bonnet, baby.
Pow! That boy crazy right there, isn't he?
We do have one hell of a family.
We sure do, Daddy.
Where are those two anyway?
Oh, Ma, you know where they are.
That's nice.
BOTH: Uh-uh.
(WHIMPERING)
ANNOUNCER.: Ladies and gentlemen, your host, Roscoe Jenkins!
All right. Thank you, thank you.
You all looking good. Looking good. What's good, family?
Today's show is about family.
And what better way to kick it off than with the doctor's own?
Say hello to the Jenkins clan.
Hey, y'all! Hey, everybody!
Ow! Pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pump, pa-pump! Pump, pump, pump, pump!
Betty. Betty. Yes!
BETTY: Mind your own business, Otis.
We'll be right back. We just trying to have a good time
here on 'Scoe's show. You always gotta say something.
Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.
Let's get started.
You're a doctor, so tell me this.
Why am I having trouble reaching an orgasm?
So you've never been able to?
BETTY: Now, I know how to get myself to the destination,
I just need a captain to navigate the waters.
Now, 'Scoe, you got to help me here.
Is that thing physical or is that thing mental?
Or is it emotional, 'Scoe?
Like, where do you go to find...
Can we cut? I'm... I'm uncomfortable.
Wait a minute, 'Scoe. I'm just trying to figure out
how I'm supposed to get mine, okay?
So you think it's okay to spank your kids.
Yeah, I spank my kids. I get in their...
They... up, I start... them up.
Tag team.
Oh, cuss words.
Oh, gee, I'm sorry.
...that! You know me, man.
Hustling is my job. I mean, I ain't never really paid no rent.
You know what I'm saying? I ain't never really paid no bills.
You know what I'm saying? So... But I...
For some reason, I've always got cash in my pocket!
I guess it's 'cause I got a honest face.
I mean, I don't know,
you might have a problem with that since, when we was
little I would always beat you. You know what I'm saying?
You pull out the cards, you one, two, three, you draw four, I'm like...
Uno. You know what I'm saying? You make a move, I'm C-4, C-2...
I sunk your battleship. You remember that, don't you?
BETTY: And then he be finished. I'm like, "Damn!
"Is something wrong with my... My cakes?"
You know what I'm saying? I don't know if
something wrong with my tastycakes, 'Scoe.
You actually tase your kids?
Hell, yeah, I tase my... kids.
You shock 'em, they be like...
I say, "You gonna take out that trash now?" He just...
For not taking out the trash?
(IMITAING ELECTROCUTION)
45,000 volts right through his big... "Yes... Dad..."
Yeah.
(CELL PHONE RINGING) Hold it, hold up. Who is this? Yeah, what it is?
Man, I'm on the show. You ain't watching? I'm on the show right now!
I ain't gotta... No, I'm on the show. Look at me. Look.
We could do it right now, bro. You put your hands up...
Or rock-paper-scissors.
We could do it right here. I mean, you know, what you scratching for?
You know, you want to scratch? You want to have a scratch battle?
'Cause we can scratch out. We can... We could DJ scratch...
I'll make me a bubble bath, light me some little candles,
and then I gets down in that water, 'Scoe, and I be...
I'm thinking about it right now. Let me get myself together.
Cut! Cut! God forgive me.
Take the $150, go buy you a eight ball. Flip the eight ball,
you gonna make 300 off that. Take the 300, get you a quarter.
Take the quarter ounce, flip that. Stay over at Aunt Lea's...
Like if you... If there wasn't an audience out there,
I would race you up and down the audience steps.
We can go. You know we can go, too.
Take the half ounce money, flip the half ounce money.
Now you ready for a ounce. You got a quarter ki now!
Now everybody in the neighborhood
got on new sneakers and walkie-talkies.
Everybody is working for you,
you doing your thing and everything.
I hope the feds ain't watching this. I'll call you back.
I am. I am afraid, okay? I'm... I'm... I'm afraid of being hurt,
and I don't want to be hurt.
You pursue unattainable men.
What? You want men you can't have.
Men I can't have?
Listen here... okay? I can have any man I want, okay?
Don't get me twisted, 'Scoe.
I am pretty in the face and thick around the waist.
You better ask somebody. I got sugar walls!
This right here is sweet tea.
Ain't that right, baby?
Yo, ma.
Yeah. I'm saying, Doc, the booty is illmatic!
Well, that wasn't quite what a brother had in mind.
But that's the thing about family.
Unpredictable, but entertaining.
And we love 'em. Peace.
(WE ARE FAMILY PLAYING)