Centuries ago, during the dawn of the red moon,
our peaceful hamlet was terrorised by a beast...
... born not of man, but spewed forth
from the fieriest pits of Hades...
... with an evil fuelled by a hatred of men and a love of women.
Its name: Carmilla, the vampire queen.
No one could defeat her, save one man:
A baron away for decades fighting in the Crusades.
Upon his return, the baron found that Carmilla's desires
had ensnared his beautiful wife, Eva,
and turned her into a lover of the vagine.
No!
Consumed with vengeance, the baron pledged to destroy Carmilla
and flee the village.
He unearthed the sacred Books of Nekros,
where he discovered the only way of slaying
this unholy harpy, once and for all, was to forge a sacred sword,
a weapon blessed with an ancient Babylonian hex...
...and infused with his own blood.
Without fear, he confronted Carmilla.
But before the baron could strike the fatal blow,
Carmilla laid down a curse most vile.
As you strike me down, so you shall release evil
within me into your daughters and your daughters' daughters,
and they shall not rest until your bloodline's ended.
They will know your breed by these marks above your heart.
And when the life's blood of the last of your line
mixes with that of a virgin girl,
I shall rise again, more powerful than you will ever imagine.
And with that, he lopped her fucking head off.
Henceforth, every woman in our village,
upon her 18th birthday, is turned by the curse
and reborn a lesbian vampire.
Our only salvation is a prophecy that foretells of the day
when the last descendent of the baron's bloodline
shall return to this hamlet and vanquish Carmilla's curse forever.
That time... has begun.
- I'm not happy, Jimmy. - Why? What did I do wrong?
Things are different now to how they used to be.
I just don't love you anymore. No, I love you.
I'm just not in love with you.
- You know I'll always love you. - You say that every time you dump me.
I don't dump you, Jimmy. I just take time out
to re-evaluate the parameters of our relationship.
That's what makes us so strong together.
If we're that strong together, why are you dumping me... again?
I'm not dumping you. I just think we're stronger together apart.
That doesn't make grammatical sense, so...
Feel it with your heart, and know what I'm saying is true.
- So... you are dumping me? - No.
But, also in a sense, yes.
- Yes! - Shit.
I'm not happy, Fletch.
I'm trying my best, Miss Rossi.
Your bestjust isn't good enough.
- What more do you want me to do? - I don't know.
- This has to be the end of the line. - What?
- What did I do wrong? - You punched him in the face.
You know what I get like when people mess with my shit. He had it coming.
He was seven. You're a children's clown.
Old enough to know not to go messing with my shit.
Fletch, you punched a child.
He was spraying me with my own seltzer bottle.
- What was I supposed to do? - Not hit him.
Then he shouldn't be spraying my ball sac. It was only a tap.
- You gave him a bloody nose! - I look like I pissed myself!
Christ, Fletch. I don't know why you do these things.
I guess I just don't like kids.
I keep telling you, they're a pre-requisite of the job.
I know. A slight problem.
Maybe I could just be a clown for adults.
- You're fired. - Do I get to keep the costume?
No. Drop your costume at the desk on the way out. Goodbye, Fletch.
- Do I get this week's money? - Goodbye, Fletch.
I've come up with a plan for getting her back.
What, like revenge?
No, getting her back, not "getting her back" getting her back.
Getting her back. Number one: Take her on holiday.
Stop there. That's just fucking stupid.
- The two of us, on our own... - On your own?
Like when you went to Falaraki and she dumped you and banged that
water ski instructor with highlights and necklace?
She didn't dump me. She told me she was just... confused.
Not that confused she couldn't figure out where to put his cock.
- That's my bird you're talking about. - No. No, it isn't. Not anymore.
Look, you need to get away from all this shit.
Let us have a wacky adventure, you and me.
I'm not gonna bum you, but I think you could use a distraction.
Say what you like, but you cannot deny I am incredibly distracting.
- Some might say annoying. - And that...
I don't know. Where do you suggest we go?
lbiza.
The sun, the sea, the sand, clubs and fanny.
Lots and lots of fanny. Loads and loads of fanny.
A gargantuan amount of "vajay".
All wanting to shag you, Jimmy McLaren,
and if there's a few stragglers who fancy a go on me, then so be it.
I can't. I'm skint.
What? I thought you had loads saved up.
Yeah... I lent it to Judy to buy a car.
Oh, my God! Why don't you just get "total twat" tattooed on your forehead?
Can't you see what that witch has done to our lives?
Relied on that money for my holiday. Our holiday, I mean.
- How much have you got? - Um...
Uh, well...
Tricky, because I've sort of been sacked.
- You hit another girl? - It was a boy.
I don't want to talk about it.
So what we're essentially saying is that neither of us can afford to go anywhere.
- Pretty much. - Brilliant.
Uh, hello. Wasn't expecting you.
- I've finally done it! - Done what?
Get the "champers" on ice. I'm all yours, honey.
- Oh, bloody hell. - I've left him for good this time,
so you and me can have fun.
You've done what?
Let's celebrate. Naughty boy!
Who the hell are you?
- Who the hell are you? - I'm his girlfriend.
Really? I'm his wife.
Right.
- Dave, get back here! - In my defence,
I never meant for you to find out.
- I got a plan. - Does it involve girls?
- It's cheap. - Yeah. Does it involve girls?
Let's... go... hiking.
That... is one of the most depressingly shitty
ideas for a holiday I've ever heard in my life, ever.
- It's a great idea. - You're a penis!
Wherever it lands on the map, we go there.
Leave it to the hands of fate.
- What do you say? - No.
- It'll be brilliant. - It will be shit.
Let the dart show us the way.
All right, then. Fuck it.
I'm only agreeing because I'm feeling for you right now,
and because I'm unbelievably shit-faced.
Throw it like you mean it, McLaren.
I never heard of it. How do you say it? Crag...
Cragwi... Cragwich?
It's spelled A-D-V-N-T-U-R-E, my friend.
Christ, you're a tit!
Get that?
Country air. Nothing like it.
Smells like normal air with cow shit in it.
Exactly. Nothing like the pervading stench of faeces
to take your mind off your troubles.
Have you brought anything besides beer?
You're expecting a water bomb fight or something?
- Hello? - Jimmy, it's me.
- Judy? - Yes! Look, Jimmy.
I've been thinking, and I realise I've made a terrible mistake.
I want to come back, Jimmy. I... love you.
- What? - I love you!
Hello?
I can't hear... Hello?
Judy?
I'll drive to meet you.
We can talk, the two of us. We can work everything out.
When I get there, you can wear my panties.
- Why'd you do that? - We are here to hike.
But... I can't fucking believe you just done that!
OK, maybe I did overreact a bit, and I'm sorry.
I'll, um, buy you another one. Jim...
Jim!
Hold up a minute.
Can't we take a little rest? I'm getting a stitch.
We've only been walking for three minutes.
Yeah, but you're not walking. You're virtually running.
It's like you're in a mood with me.
- I can't imagine why. Can you? - You're getting a real attitude.
- Oh, fuck off. - No, you fuck off.
I've dragged my arse to some leafy shit-hole
I can't even pronounce, for you, and look how ungrateful you're being.
Ungrateful? You stamped on my phone whilst Judy was trying to make up.
What? Like the last seven times?
You're a mental case holding out for that serial dumper
to have you back for the... drum roll, please... eighth fucking time.
That's why we're here rather than somewhere
it might be remotely possible to engage a solitary woman
in so much as a polite conversation.
- There might be girls. - Will there? Balls.
What are the chances?
Come on, Jim. They came from there.
- Yeah. So? - "So"?
Are you some kind of eunuch or something?
Not bad enough that woman's robbed you of brains, but testicles and all.
I'm sorry. I'm claiming your testicles back.
No... Not that I literally want your test...
That's just sick. Look. They're just the beginning.
These small, rural places are renowned for breeding
the créme de la créme of the female form. It's the fresh air.
They go a bundle for city boys like you and me. Impressive we are, mate.
I guarantee this place will be wall to wall with rosy-cheeked
English country maidens, like that lot, but even dirtier.
It's like some sort of medieval gay bar.
Don't sweat it.
The womenfolk are all off braiding their hair
in some kind of naked fertility ceremony or something.
That village green will be full of heaving tits by sundown.
- These guys look weird. - Just relax.
They're just blokes, like you and I.
They like a beer, enjoy a scented candle.
They're my kind of people. I can relate. Stick with me.
Good morrow.
Two flagons of ale, please, sir.
There you go.
Compliments of the house, lads.
Thank you.
Keep it together, mate. Keep it together.
I'm just a bit worried I'm going to get raped.
So how many more, Tom? How many more?
Don't you be all high and mighty with me, vicar.
We have to stop this madness.
- Reckon that's his daughter? - If it's not, that's one dirty vicar.
We can't let more innocent people die!
- Then what? Then they'll come for us! - Oh. Hi.
Don't you see they have us already? Our women are cursed,
and we are spineless fools who let it happen.
I know it's hard, vicar, what with your Rebecca turning 18...
Eighteen? Love it.
Together we can stop this. You are either with me or against me.
What a tosser.
Who is with me?
No, it can't be.
No, that's impossible.
- It can't be you. What is your name? - Hey, this cost 25 quid, mate!
- That is enough, Father. Enough! - Daddy!
Come, child.
Does he know you? Have you been hanging out with vicars?
- Never seen him before in my life. - Sorry about that, lads.
Here you go. No hard feelings, eh?
Sorry for the vicar. He's a strange sort.
If you lads want a bed for the night,
there be a cottage, the old Mircalla place,
not two miles down the road.
Oh, that's great, but how much is it?
- We're a bit light on the old... - Money.
Oh, it don't cost nothing. The doors are always open.
Any weary traveller can expect a nice, long rest.
You, sir, are a scholar and a gent.
If there's one thing I like more than free booze, it's a free bed.
Thank you very much.
Might be a bit of a tight squeeze, though.
I sent some beautiful young girls down there not too long ago.
What's wrong with it?
Come on, come on. Don't break down on us now. Come on!
Come on! What?
- Come on! - That'll really help, Lotte.
- We're screwed. - Ja.
Great. We're in the middle of nowhere, miles from anywhere.
Are you sure you put petrol in?
- Anke, for the fifth time, yes. - Just checking.
Well, let us walk to the cottage. We must be close.
The landlord said it was only a few miles.
- Ja. - We're closer to the inn.
We should go get help.
Ja. Ja.
I'm only going back there with knives. Those men were freaky.
- I think we should stay with the van. - Ja.
Oh...
Do you hear that?
What is it?
There's something out there.
- Stop scaring us, Lotte. - Ja.
Listen, listen!
It's coming from the roof!
- It is probably just a branch. - A branch?
Ja.
I told you!
- Evening, ladies. - Sorry. Didn't mean to scare you.
Excuse us. Our van just broke down,
- and we were a little bit spooked. - Seems OK now.
Anyhow, hi, I'm Lotte.
This is Anke, Heidi and Trudi.
Hello, Lotte, Andy, Eric. Hello, girls.
- Beer? - Oh, ja!
Ja, ja, ja!
You're my type of girl.
The name's Fletch.
- What's your name? - That's my man, Jimmy.
He's had his heart broken. It's tragic.
- Oh! - It's just tragic. Really is.
- Hello, Jimmy. - All right.
So, what are four lovely ladies like you doing here on a night like this?
We're on our way to the Mircalla cottage.
There's an uncanny stroke of luck!
These girls are all going to the exact same cottage that we are.
- Yes! Yes! - Yes! Yes!
Great.
- Do you want to ride with us? - Thanks. That's very nice of you.
- Oh, yeah! - Take a seat.
When in Rome.
- Be careful. You know what happens. - Relax. It's fine.
OK, let's go.
A couple of young fellows were in here not an hour ago.
Directed them towards the cottage not a couple of miles down the road.
What? Just carry on down the road?
There you go, miss. Carry straight on down, and you can't fail to see it.
Now, she was a pretty one.
They always are, Sidney.
Sirens. Cold, bewitching demons, every last one of them.
Pint, Jack?
- Wow. This place is amazing! - Oh, I love it!
- Oh, cool! - They got beers!
Can we actually move here?
- Yes! - Yes, let's move in!
Let's party!
- We need Schnapps! - Rack 'em up! Rack 'em up!
All right! Yes!
J man, bottoms up!
- Bottoms up! - Cocks in.
- Oh, yummy! - Let's dance!
Oh!
This might be the best night of my entire fucking life!
Room for the Fletchmeister? Yes? Yes?
I love hiking!
Take your clothes off!
Do you know of Carmilla?
- Uh, no. Is that who it is? - Yes.
- Carmilla. She's why we're all here. - Eh?
We're students of folklore and ancient superstition. We're on a field trip.
This village is home to the legend of Carmilla, the vampire queen.
- Vampire queen? - According to legend,
she's much, much more than just your average vampire queen.
Some say she's 2,000 years old.
You believe in that Dungeons & Dragons rubbish?
Where I grew up, we're very superstitious.
Cragwich is particularly fascinating to me.
The book of folklore tells the story of this village,
and what Carmilla did to it and its daughters.
Even the bravest man shrinks in fear, and the bravest woman
quivers with desire at the mere mention of her name.
Carmilla, the vampire queen.
Hey! Jimmy Peon!
Come on. Get a beer. Get involved.
It is your turn to go with the larger one.
- Too many beers. I need a piss. - The bog's outside.
What? It's... It's dark out there.
Heidi, are you afraid Carmilla will get you?
- Anke, don't be mean. - OK, OK, I'm sorry.
- Don't worry. I will go with her. - Stop it!
Watch this. Here come the beers.
- Here come the beers. Ja? - Ooh, ja!
He's a weird guy, Fletch, eh?
She's pretending to bum me.
Oh, his heart's in the right place.
It's just a shame his brain's in his dick.
- Think his ying yang is big? - Ying yang?
All right. Which one do you want, then?
Haven't thought about it.
Oh! You are such a fucking ponce, James.
Which one do you fancy? Which one do you like the most?
- Just answer the question. - All right, then. Lotte.
- She seems really nice and friendly. - Mm-hmm.
And it's like she's got this pure spirit.
She's just really sweet. She's got the prettiest eyes.
It's like looking into bottomless pools.
- And you? - Trudi.
Massive tits, never speaks.
Yeah, Trudi, you stink.
Ja. Ja.
Oh, ja.
Hurry up!
Anke.
Anke?
- Anke, stop it. It isn't funny. - Heidi.
Fuck!
Anke, answer me now. It's not funny.
Anke!
Anke?
Anke? Anke!
Why are they taking so long?
She's probably just having a massive shit.
Trudi.
Quickly!
Trudi! We've got to get in there!
OK. Stand back.
Christ. That thing is rock-solid.
- I must have weakened it. - Yeah, right.
- Look. - Blood.
Come.
What was that?
I don't know, but let's go find out.
- Is she serious? - We have to do something, don't we?
This is all getting a bit weird: Women missing, towels covered in blood.
- It's more of a light spotting. - Oh, that's all right, then.
We heard her in here, and now she's nowhere.
- That is very fucking weird. - Agreed, but we have to find Trudi.
- You like Trudi, don't you? - Not that much.
That's just weak, man.
For Christ's sake.
Oh, God!
For God's sake!
I only got it seen to last week.
Oh, my... Oh, come on!
Shit!
Hi. You're through to Jimmy. Please leave a message.
You are so dead, Jimmy!
Judy.
Judy. Judy.
Anke!
Heidi? Trudi?
- Anything? - No.
Ah, well. Looks like she's gone.
Head back inside, eh? Cup of tea?
- Told you there was no one out here. - Trudi?
Probably just gone for a walk or... something.
Let's head inside. I've still got some beers.
Oh, shit!
Lotte.
- It's over there. - I heard it too.
Look. I know something really wrong is happening here,
but is there any chance we can just ignore it?
Fletch! Come on!
It's impossible. It cannot be. Vampires.
- Vampires? - Vampires?
Lesbian vampires.
Nice one.
Fucking hell, she's strong.
Jimmy!
- Shit. - Jimmy!
She's not so strong now.
Ah! Rank!
Is that it?
No explosion or...
...turning into burning ash or... Nothing, no?
Frankly, I'm a bit disappointed.
I'm just glad she's dead. I can hold out for fireworks.
The legends... they're true.
This is madness.
- What's become of my friends? - Lotte.
Oh, crap.
- Join us. - Join us.
Ja.
I think they want you to say something.
Never.
Don't think they wanted you to say that.
Fuck this! Run, you bellends!
Come on, you silly fuckers!
Now you will join us.
Hmm.
Get in.
Oh, my God! Did you see that?
That might be the coolest thing I've done in my entire fucking life.
I've always been good at cricket. Maybe it's my guns.
- Fletch, please shut up. - Sorry, I'm just nervous.
They'd have eaten us alive. This is fucked up!
Where did they go?
Before sunrise, you will all belong to us.
Shit, shit, shit, shit. What are we going to do?
- We're going to die horribly. - For Christ sake. You're not helping.
- Calm down. Have a beer. - We need to get out of here!
- Come up with a plan then, Einstein. - Hold on. The van.
The van. Good plan. Great plan.
Genius.
I don't even want to know.
What are we going to do now?
Stakes. Lots of sharp stakes.
Arm ourselves with anything we can plunge through their hearts.
Again, great idea. Like it.
Plunging sharp objects. Hell-whore hearts. Let's fucking have it.
- Jimmy! - Judy?
What? Don't open the fucking door! Jesus!
- Judy, get in, quick. - Oh, my God!
- What the hell is going on? - What are you doing here?
- Something was chasing me. - Vampires.
- What? - Yep. Lesbian vampires.
- How ridiculous. - No.
Just another of God's cruel tricks to get on my tits.
Even dead women would sooner sleep with each other than get with me.
- But eating me alive? Oh, that's fine. - Lesbian vampires?
Next time he'll have me bummed by a big gay werewolf, I swear.
Come on. We need to lie down.
- Who's that? - Oh, it's Jimmy's ex.
She keeps breaking up with him, getting him back,
breaking up with him, getting him back, you know?
- I hate her. - Me too.
Man, this pisses me off.
I've been saving myself for the right man,
someone I can really have feelings for.
- I finally meet him, and... - What, you like Jimmy?
Yes, I do. But between her and the vampires,
I'll probably die a virgin tonight.
You're a virgin?
Um, yeah.
Oh, for God's sake, girl. Cover yourself up.
Daddy, I'm not a child any more.
- Don't try me, girl. - Oh!
Jimmy, I know you have every right to hate me,
but I just want you to know
that I'm so happy you let me through the door.
Well, I don't hate you. Well, not completely.
I just don't know what I keep doing you don't like.
It's not you, Jimmy. It's me.
I'm glad you realise that, because if this is gonna work,
- you're gonna have to change. - Oh, I've changed.
But how... How do I know that?
How can I trust you? You're gonna have to show me you're different.
Oh, I'm different.
Give me one... last... kiss.
Huh?
Probably best you remember her the way she was, mate.
A complete fucking bitch. Aah.
Mate, thanks for saving my life.
Hey, you know me, fella.
I got your back. Always have, always will.
- Right, got 'em. - What are you doing?
- What do you think? - What, Lotte was gonna...
You know what they say about extreme situations.
And this, as I keep pointing out, my friend, is an extreme fucking situation.
- Bit seedy, isn't it? - She's worried she'll die a virgin,
and frankly, I'm willing to take any opportunity I can get.
Emotional vulnerability, fear of imminent death, vampire attacks.
Screw it. I don't give a shit. Hi.
How are you doing?
- What happened? - Oh, God. Um...
As I suspected,
- Judy was a vampire. - We killed her.
Fantastic.
- Um, I'm going for a piss. - What, outside?
Do I look like a twat?
Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, gosh!
Oh, God! Oh, God!
Why aren't they coming in? Judy walked in.
No, they have to be invited in. You invited Judy in.
Oh.
So all we have to do is sit tight till morning.
I mean, It's not like I'm gonna say,
"Hey, lesbian vampires, come into my cottage", is it? Oh, shit!
Under full-on lesbian vampire attack?
Still got it, fella.
Look, I was being ironic.
Guys?
McLaren.
- She knows my name. - That's not a good sign.
She is pure.
Fletch!
When in Rome...
- Get away from him. - Fuck off!
- Nice. - Get her into the shower.
Quick! Quick!
Quick! Turn it on!
Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name.
Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done on earth...
Give us this day... Push her back! She must stay underwater.
Push her back! Push her back under.
- Oh, God! - Keep her under! Don't let her go!
And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil,
as we forgive those who trespass against us...
- Fuck off! - Keep going.
Fucking hell!
For Thine is the kingdom. Jesus compels you!
Oh, God, I love Jesus! I love you, Jesus.
- And the glory forever. - All things bright and beautiful!
Forever and ever.
Amen.
What the fuck?
We need to go quickly. Your friends have already been taken.
- Ah, shite. - There's no time to waste. Let's go!
Hang on. How did you know all this was happening?
You and your friends were sent as sacrifices.
It's an age-old deal, where the villagers supply fresh blood.
In return, they get to keep their cowardly hides.
So we were just a light buffet for a bunch of hot dykes?
To my shame, yes. Your friend's arrival in our hamlet is no coincidence.
It's divine intervention fulfilling a primordial prophecy.
- Balls! - Does he bear a birthmark?
- Five red scratches around here? - Yeah.
His bloodline is the key to the resurrection
of the purest evil known to mankind: Carmilla, the vampire queen.
Eh?
Paradoxically, the only thing that can lift this village
from a centuries-old curse that turns every woman
on her 18th birthday into a vampire.
My daughter, Rebecca, becomes 18 within hours.
Right. Look, I know you mean well. I really do.
And I love the vibe. You look amazing. But...
I've seen weird shit, and even under these circumstances this is a stretch.
Jimmy's not the Messiah. He can barely wipe his own arse.
I understand your confusion. Let's be on our way.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Daddy-o. Go where?
- Back to the village. No time to waste. - Fuck that noise.
- I'm sorry? - I'm not going back out there.
I've nearly been eaten three times by the hottest women I've ever met.
Starting to become a bind.
But it's not too late to save your friends, this village, the entire world!
Yeah, well, you know, best of luck with it.
- I hope you get on all right. - Are you fucking with me?
- Are you allowed to swear? - Shut up.
You telling me you'd let eternal darkness sweep over this entire planet
and leave your friends to die? Your friends?
Well, I only really know Jimmy. I just met the girl tonight. So...
OK. Stay here and die.
Oh...
What's with all the scratches?
The cruciform. It drives the beasts away.
- It looks shit. - Just get in.
OK, scratch master. Where the fuck are we going?
The tomb of your friend's great ancestor.
Fletch!
Sisters,
a moment that has infested our dreams and our desires
for what seems like an eternity...
...is finally upon us.
For this night,
the last of the McLaren clan shall fall,
and our queen shall rise again.
- Carmilla? - The vampire queen?
Sorry. Carry on.
So his blood mixed with my virgin blood brings her back?
You know a lot, pretty one.
I've heard of Carmilla, but never have I heard of you.
Obviously you're not evil enough to even make the history books.
Well...
... soon she will know of you.
And with her resurrection, this land will be ensnared forever
in the dawn of the red moon.
McLaren, these are your final moments on earth.
Oh. Mmm.
The final resting place of Baron Wolfgang McLaren III.
Jimmy's the reason I ended up in this shit-hole?
He is our salvation and our only hope.
The prophesy foretold of when the last of the McLaren clan would return.
With his blood and that of a virgin, Carmilla shall rise again.
Concealed within this tomb is the weapon
that can slay the beast forever: The sword of Daeldo.
- And what's that, then? - Daeldo, the god of lust,
said to be Carmilla's arch demonic foe in the underworld of Hades.
A hideous multi-tentacled beast.
The only being brave enough to have tried to penetrate
Carmilla's vilest depths, and paid for it with his life.
Let me get this straight. Your plan is,
wait for this bitch to be resurrected, stake her with the sword of whatever,
thus rescuing my mate, curing your daughter, ending the curse
- and saving the planet. - Exactly. So, are you with me?
Not really. I ain't got much fucking choice, have I?
You do this. I need to check on my Rebecca.
What? Now I've got to unearth a corpse?
- Concealed within this tomb is... - Yeah, yeah. Save me the monologues.
This is officially the worst holiday ever.
- So there's a red moon, right? - Forget about the red moon.
She said the last McLaren will fall.
Yeah, I kind of missed that bit.
Oh. Well...
- That'll be me, then. Oh, bollocks. - Shut up. I'm thinking.
What can you be thinking about at a time like this?
- How we are going to escape. - Fantastic. Any ideas?
- No, have you? - Not a fucking sausage.
Come on, think!
I'm too busy shitting myself to come up with a daring escape plan.
- You're cute. - What?
It's our first argument.
Vic, we're doomed. That ain't opening.
Move.
In my defence, I only tried that side, so...
- You go down there, my boy. - Excuse me?
- There's no time to waste. Hurry up. - Well, you go down, then.
Oh, my... Unbelievable. It's not my daughter.
- Can you see the sword? - Give me a minute, please.
It's my first time in a tomb... grave... stone.
What? What is it?
It's nothing.
What's so funny in there?
It's got a big metal cock for a handle.
Grow up! The handle draws on the power of the demon Daeldo,
rendering this blade alone capable of destroying her once and for all.
- What? How? - Itjust does, OK?
We're gonna go there, and we're gonna to die, right?
All because you insist some sword,
with a metal cock on the end, can save the world?
- You're a disgrace. - At least I can see the funny side.
Let's get on with the job. I'll load up on weapons. You cover the baron up.
Will you just admit it does look like a cock?
Jimmy, can I tell you something?
- Have you come up with a plan? - No, I'm still thinking.
I think we're running out of time.
I just wanted to say that had we met under different circumstances,
I would've liked to have gotten to know you.
- Really? - Yes.
In fact, even though we've just spent a few hours together,
I feel like I've known you forever.
- Really? - Yes.
I thought you might have picked up on my signals.
Signals? What signals? What did I miss?
Jimmy, I love you.
- Well, that's just fucking great. - I didn't mean to upset you.
- On the brink of death, you say that? - I can't die without letting you know
you're the first man I could share myself with completely.
- Oh, for Christ's sake. - I would've given you everything:
My mind, soul and body.
- And body. Hmm. - And now that'll never be.
- It is time. - Oh, God!
- That's my penis. - Get off him, you bitch! He's mine!
Wow.
What? What did you just say?
You called me a what? I'm a fat piece of what?
No one messes with the Fletchmeister and his cock sword.
Oh, hello. Um, I wasn't doing, um...
Star Wars is not, uh... Aah! Chewie. I wasn't...
What are you doing out? You probably shouldn't be out here.
I know.
- So, it's your birthday? - Today.
It's just gone midnight.
All... grown... up.
- So you're 18? - Uh-huh.
- But Daddy wouldn't approve anyway. - Oh.
Daddy!
Fletch!
- Ready? - Yep.
We have little time. My Rebecca will soon be taken.
Yep.
You have his eyes.
I used to love those eyes.
Until I learned how pathetic men are.
Mmm! Exquisite.
I will bleed you slowly and let Carmilla feed upon your flesh
while it is still warm in your veins.
Look, the moon bleeds. The resurrection has begun.
Here. Holy water.
It's like a fucking hand grenade of acid.
- You said "fucking" again. - So?
- It's weird. - Get over it.
There's no need to panic, my friend. Just stay close to me.
I'm well-versed in the knowledge of killing vampires.
Yeah, so is everyone. Stakes, garlic, beheading, holy water, sunlight...
There's not a fucker alive who doesn't know that.
- Really? - Yeah.
It's in books, films, telly. It's pretty common knowledge.
Were you expecting many sexual encounters, my friend?
Water bomb fight.
So where's this resurrection likely to be happening?
In there. The crypt of Carmilla.
I knew you were gonna say that.
Never going to be somewhere un-scary-sounding,
like the garden or scullery?
- "Scullery" is quite scary. - Eh?
"Scullery" has got the word "skull" in it.
As opposed to the crypt, which has got corpses in it. Well observed.
Remember this: They can die fast or they can die slow,
but they have to die.
- Can't we do this in the morning? - It may be too late for your friends.
- It will be too late for Rebecca. - No, I'm good.
Well, this is it.
Good luck, Fletch. Let's try to come back alive.
Vic...
If I don't make it out of this,
there's one thing I want you to know:
I blame you entirely.
So this is how your bloodline ends:
Crying like a baby.
Begging for your life.
- Please... - Jimmy, pull yourself together.
- Don't give her the satisfaction. - No.
You'll give me my satisfaction.
Lotte, just so you know, before she turns you,
I found you really attractive, pre-vampirism.
You did?
- We have an escape plan. - What?
Fletch will save us.
Fletch? He's fucking useless. We're dead meat.
- Hey! You cheeky prick. - Fletch!
Although, to be fair,
if I could've avoided being here, I would've.
Oh, damn.
I told you he was fucking useless.
- Damn, damn! - You ever fired that thing before?
- First time. - Watch and weep. So!
You clam-lappers fancy a piece of me then, do you?
- Come on, then. - Kill them.
Oh, fuck!
Oh, wait up. Fuck this.
Your friend's blood has already been drawn.
- The resurrection has begun. - We gotta get out of here.
We can't. Darkness is upon us. Your friends, Rebecca...
I reckon I can probably live with that.
...and the entire fucking world!
You know how to put a guilt trip on, don't you, you fucker?
Right. Let's do this.
- It'll be OK. - How can this be OK?
All I wanted to do was enjoy life.
Hike, get some fresh air, a few pints.
But no. Nothing's as simple as that, is it?
And now we're gonna end up dead.
Well, I'm gonna end up dead. You'll be a lesbian.
And I've not even made love to a man.
Oh!
The crypt is through here.
- Fletch! - Spiritus Sancti.
Fletch!
- Spiritus sancti. - Hurry up!
- Jimmy? - Back, you spawn of Satan.
- Fletch? - How you been?
Up and down.
- There's only one solution now. - The big cock sword.
- What? - Long story.
- Hand me the sword of Daeldo. - Haven't you got it?
I thought you had it.
You're going on about how important it is.
All we've got to do is wait for this bitch to rise, stab her,
- and you forgot the sword? - Get it. I'll keep 'em off.
- Tell Rebecca I love her. - About Rebecca...
- Run, you fool! - All right!
Jesus!
- Whores of fucking Hades. - Annihilate him.
Prepare for fucking death!
Come on, you silly fuckers!
- Lotte! - It's playtime, darling.
Mmm! You are a feisty one.
I like it. Aah!
- It won't budge. - I have to help her.
It's not gonna work.
- What is it with you and doors? - Let's ram it.
Mmm! You taste divine.
- Keys. - Vicar's got them.
- What? - Know how to hotwire a hearse?
- Yeah, no worries. - Brilliant. Let's go.
- Of course I don't, you idiot. - Shit.
First I'm going to torture you, then I'm going to turn you.
- You'll be my plaything. - Never!
That's it, then.
The problem with you, James, you're a pessimist.
You might want to grab weapons. We could be in for a ruck.
Come on!
- That sword's got a cock for a handle. - It's funny, isn't it?
It's the only thing that'll destroy that psycho bitch.
It's very powerful and very ancient.
- Sort of gay. - So get your own fucking sword.
I knew you would not resist me forever.
Sorry, you're not my type.
- Whoo-hoo! - Lotte.
- Bollocks. - Fletch.
Oh, my God!
McLaren.
- Jimmy! - Throw it like you mean it!
Un-fucking-believable!
Is somebody taking the piss?
The sword of Daeldo is a mighty weapon indeed.
Looks like the vic was right.
Everyone seems to know what's going on bar me. What just happened?
It's all cock swords and scary stuff and history and that.
- I'll tell you later. - Tell me now.
- I will. - When?
Mate, do you want to calm down?
I've had a bit of a busy night. I'll tell you in a minute.
- Whoa. - No, look. Sunlight.
The curse has lifted.
- So they're not vampires anymore? - No.
Cool. Are they still lesbians?
For fuck's sake.
Uh...
Unbelievable. Save the day, not even a kiss.
Do you know what? Actually, forget it.
Forget it. Forget it. Let it go.
Let it go, Fletch. You're the bigger man.
Whoa! That's some mighty fine hotwiring skills you got there, lady.
Thanks. Right. Now what?
Don't know. Go home?
Go home? They've taken my friends, they very nearly took our lives,
and we never even dreamed they existed before tonight.
How can we just go home to our beds?
- What's she talking about? - Uh...
This village is free,
but more creatures like Carmilla lurk in the dark corners of the world.
No one would believe us if we tell.
We are the only people who know the truth.
We must go out there and fight this menace.
Are you suggesting we become lesbian vampire killers?
If that's what it takes, ja.
Well, I ain't got anything else on in particular at the moment, so I'm in.
- Jim? - I don't know.
Oh, come on. It's in your blood, your destiny, all that shit.
- Huh? - I'll tell you later.
- Come on. You might as well. - Join us.
Lesbian vampire killers, it is. Let's ride.
Whoo-hoo!