2
00:00:07,584 --> 00:00:10,244
[soft piano music plays]

3
00:00:12,047 --> 00:00:15,082
[Tom] <i>I love being a stand-up comedian.</i>

4
00:00:16,259 --> 00:00:18,878
<i>It's the best job in the world.</i>

5
00:00:19,888 --> 00:00:21,773
<i>And I love being an L.A. comic.</i>

6
00:00:21,807 --> 00:00:22,774
Bam!

7
00:00:22,808 --> 00:00:24,191
Alfred the assassin.

8
00:00:24,225 --> 00:00:28,738
<i>As a comic, what you're supposed to do
is live your life and report it.</i>

9
00:00:28,772 --> 00:00:30,573
[woman] Anytime I do
something nice for you,

10
00:00:30,607 --> 00:00:32,867
- you shit on me!
- When is that?!

11
00:00:32,901 --> 00:00:34,243
<i>I love the whole process.</i>

12
00:00:34,277 --> 00:00:35,828
[woman] You have a little dick.

13
00:00:35,862 --> 00:00:38,247
<i>Writing. Performing.</i>

14
00:00:38,281 --> 00:00:42,043
<i>Figuring out how to make a joke work.</i>

15
00:00:42,077 --> 00:00:44,378
<i>It's the best.</i>

16
00:00:44,412 --> 00:00:49,008
<i>But most of all,
I love meeting the people of this city.</i>

17
00:00:49,042 --> 00:00:52,303
<i>- They always inspire me.</i>
- [shouting] Hey!

18
00:00:52,337 --> 00:00:54,013
Tom Segura!

19
00:00:54,047 --> 00:00:57,433
Bite me in my ass, man! Aah!

20
00:00:57,467 --> 00:00:58,935
You have to do it!

21
00:00:58,969 --> 00:01:03,439
<i>I love them.
They have nothing but admiration for me.</i>

22
00:01:03,473 --> 00:01:05,024
[speaks foreign language]

23
00:01:05,058 --> 00:01:07,526
Yeah, after work we can do whatever, man.

24
00:01:07,560 --> 00:01:08,861
[speaks foreign language]

25
00:01:08,895 --> 00:01:12,157
<i>I just know there's no stopping us.</i>

26
00:01:12,191 --> 00:01:14,867
Hey! Who this fat-ass nigger right here?

27
00:01:14,901 --> 00:01:16,953
What's up, fat boy?

28
00:01:16,987 --> 00:01:20,165
- 'Sup?
- Making a food show, bitch?

29
00:01:20,199 --> 00:01:22,291
- No.
- You should.

30
00:01:22,325 --> 00:01:24,627
Bam! 'Cause you fat as fuck!

31
00:01:24,661 --> 00:01:26,879
This fat motherfucker right here, man.

32
00:01:26,913 --> 00:01:28,965
- You got pancake titties.
- You do!

33
00:01:28,999 --> 00:01:30,800
Fuck this city.
I'm re-shooting this thing.

34
00:01:30,834 --> 00:01:32,093
Eat a dick, Paul Blart.

35
00:01:32,127 --> 00:01:34,495
This fat motherfucker, man.

36
00:01:38,383 --> 00:01:42,061
[man]
<i>Ladies and Gentlemen, Tom Segura!</i>

37
00:01:42,095 --> 00:01:46,257
- [cheers and applause]
- [up-tempo music playing]

38
00:02:07,162 --> 00:02:10,364
[music continues]

39
00:02:13,252 --> 00:02:15,344
[Tom] What up?

40
00:02:15,378 --> 00:02:18,848
Thank you! Thank you, guys.

41
00:02:18,882 --> 00:02:20,933
Thank you very much.

42
00:02:20,967 --> 00:02:24,229
It's great to be in Seattle.

43
00:02:24,263 --> 00:02:26,798
- [crowd roars]
- Yes.

44
00:02:28,975 --> 00:02:32,904
One of my favorite places,
and I am fucking falling apart.

45
00:02:32,938 --> 00:02:34,822
All right, um...

46
00:02:34,856 --> 00:02:38,034
I hate who I'm becoming, socially.

47
00:02:38,068 --> 00:02:40,245
Like, all my social interactions,

48
00:02:40,279 --> 00:02:43,330
I'm disintegrating into somebody
I want to punch in the mouth.

49
00:02:43,364 --> 00:02:48,127
Like, I start weather chats
with people all the time now,

50
00:02:48,161 --> 00:02:49,754
like, ugh.

51
00:02:49,788 --> 00:02:53,758
I got off the plane here, and the guy
that picks me up at the airport,

52
00:02:53,792 --> 00:02:57,095
I was like, "It rains a lot here, huh?"

53
00:02:57,129 --> 00:02:59,764
[laughter]

54
00:02:59,798 --> 00:03:02,808
And I swear,
there's another voice in my head going,

55
00:03:02,842 --> 00:03:04,977
"You're a piece of shit
for this conversation."

56
00:03:05,011 --> 00:03:07,605
[laughter]

57
00:03:07,639 --> 00:03:11,276
What's the guy supposed to say?
He's in the car and he's like, "Yeah..."

58
00:03:11,310 --> 00:03:13,736
[laughter]

59
00:03:13,770 --> 00:03:15,487
"...it does.

60
00:03:15,521 --> 00:03:19,099
And you're a real piece of shit for this,
just so you know."

61
00:03:20,401 --> 00:03:23,537
I wanted to abort,
I wanted to get out of it, but I couldn't.

62
00:03:23,571 --> 00:03:26,498
Like, "I'm from Southern California,
we sure could use it."

63
00:03:26,532 --> 00:03:29,276
- [chuckles]
- [laughter]

64
00:03:31,079 --> 00:03:34,423
And he was like,
"I'll run us off the fucking road.

65
00:03:34,457 --> 00:03:37,343
I'll kill us both,
I swear to God I will."

66
00:03:37,377 --> 00:03:39,804
God forbid I meet
a tall person now, like...

67
00:03:39,838 --> 00:03:41,555
If you're over six-four,

68
00:03:41,589 --> 00:03:45,268
there's no way I'm not addressing it.
I'm gonna be like,

69
00:03:45,302 --> 00:03:48,104
- "Wow, you're tall."
- [laughter]

70
00:03:48,138 --> 00:03:51,274
"Do you like basketball?
Yeah? Is that your thing?

71
00:03:51,308 --> 00:03:53,400
I have a friend that's tall."

72
00:03:53,434 --> 00:03:57,529
Dude, you just told a grown man
you have a fucking friend that's tall.

73
00:03:57,563 --> 00:04:02,076
Like, what's next? "My dad's super strong?

74
00:04:02,110 --> 00:04:05,496
- I bet he's stronger than your dad."
- [laughter]

75
00:04:05,530 --> 00:04:07,498
Ugh.

76
00:04:07,532 --> 00:04:09,959
It's better than
my dad's actual small talk,

77
00:04:09,993 --> 00:04:13,296
which is awkwardly racial small talk.

78
00:04:13,330 --> 00:04:17,008
It's not racist, but it involves race.
Um...

79
00:04:17,042 --> 00:04:22,013
Like, we're at a restaurant and, you know,
the server walks up and she's Asian.

80
00:04:22,047 --> 00:04:26,517
- My dad will be like, "You Chinese?"
- [laughter]

81
00:04:26,551 --> 00:04:29,103
And she's like, "No, I'm Korean."

82
00:04:29,137 --> 00:04:31,147
"Oh, I was in Vietnam."

83
00:04:31,181 --> 00:04:33,524
- And I'm like...
- [laughter]

84
00:04:33,558 --> 00:04:36,277
"What are you doing?"

85
00:04:36,311 --> 00:04:40,614
"What? I was." "I know.
What does that have to do with anything?"

86
00:04:40,648 --> 00:04:43,534
Then he goes, "Lot fewer of them
when I left, if you know what I mean."

87
00:04:43,568 --> 00:04:46,162
- I'm like, "Oh, man."
- [laughter]

88
00:04:46,196 --> 00:04:48,622
[whistles]
Well...

89
00:04:48,656 --> 00:04:52,459
"Yeah, it was two Diet Cokes,
we're gonna wrap it up pretty quick."

90
00:04:52,493 --> 00:04:56,839
Dude, if he meets a black guy,
shut it the fuck down, okay?

91
00:04:56,873 --> 00:04:59,800
'Cause, it's gonna get weird. Like...

92
00:04:59,834 --> 00:05:03,346
Dude, I see it. A black guy starts
talking to us and my dad'll be like...

93
00:05:03,380 --> 00:05:05,056
[laughter]

94
00:05:05,090 --> 00:05:07,599
I can see it in his eyes,
like a clock's ticking down.

95
00:05:07,633 --> 00:05:10,978
And I'm like, "How weird are you
about to be with him?"

96
00:05:11,012 --> 00:05:14,523
He looks like a dog, when you show a dog
a treat and you're like, "Sit still."

97
00:05:14,557 --> 00:05:16,025
And the dog's like...

98
00:05:16,059 --> 00:05:17,927
[laughter]

99
00:05:20,855 --> 00:05:22,156
"I work with a black guy!"

100
00:05:22,190 --> 00:05:25,617
- Ohh. Ohh.
- [laughter]

101
00:05:25,651 --> 00:05:27,578
Oh, man.

102
00:05:27,612 --> 00:05:30,706
"Yeah, Carl.
You know him? I don't know...

103
00:05:30,740 --> 00:05:33,584
Thought you knew each other.
I don't know.

104
00:05:33,618 --> 00:05:35,461
I don't know him.
He works in the building."

105
00:05:35,495 --> 00:05:38,714
You're like, "Fuck."

106
00:05:38,748 --> 00:05:40,658
Jesus.

107
00:05:41,751 --> 00:05:44,345
Speaking of dads, I'm gonna be a dad.
Isn't that crazy?

108
00:05:44,379 --> 00:05:46,972
[crowd cheers]

109
00:05:47,006 --> 00:05:48,582
I know. Well...

110
00:05:50,343 --> 00:05:53,562
You know, not my fucking problem.
You know what I mean? Um...

111
00:05:53,596 --> 00:05:55,689
- [laughter]
- That's your kid. So...

112
00:05:55,723 --> 00:05:58,692
No, I'm gonna stick around.
I wanna see what it looks and stuff.

113
00:05:58,726 --> 00:06:02,696
- [laughter]
- Just for a second. But...

114
00:06:02,730 --> 00:06:05,657
So crazy, man.
All I did was, I didn't pull out.

115
00:06:05,691 --> 00:06:07,743
- And then...
- [laughter]

116
00:06:07,777 --> 00:06:10,121
Now I'm gonna be a dad. So nuts.

117
00:06:10,155 --> 00:06:14,792
Isn't that crazy? As a man, all you do
is you dump inside of a girl and then...

118
00:06:14,826 --> 00:06:19,255
there's life? That's a pretty crude way
of putting that. I'm sorry. But...

119
00:06:19,289 --> 00:06:21,323
that's what happens.

120
00:06:22,583 --> 00:06:25,261
Let's just talk about how good
that feels. I...

121
00:06:25,295 --> 00:06:27,179
[laughter]

122
00:06:27,213 --> 00:06:30,891
Dude, I've been pulling out for <i>years.</i>

123
00:06:30,925 --> 00:06:33,560
And no comp... No orgasm...
You don't have an org...

124
00:06:33,594 --> 00:06:36,855
and you're like, "Oh, that sucks."
Like, it's still...

125
00:06:36,889 --> 00:06:40,943
It feels great.
But when you leave it in?

126
00:06:40,977 --> 00:06:41,944
Dude.

127
00:06:41,978 --> 00:06:44,263
[laughter]

128
00:06:45,273 --> 00:06:47,074
Here's all I'm saying.

129
00:06:47,108 --> 00:06:50,536
If you're a pull-out guy,
next time? Don't.

130
00:06:50,570 --> 00:06:53,580
[laughter]

131
00:06:53,614 --> 00:06:56,167
Even if she tells you to.
Be like, "I forgot."

132
00:06:56,201 --> 00:06:58,336
[laughter]

133
00:06:58,370 --> 00:06:59,670
And she'll whine about it.

134
00:06:59,704 --> 00:07:01,839
[whines]

135
00:07:01,873 --> 00:07:04,467
"What if I'm pregnant?

136
00:07:04,501 --> 00:07:07,178
My career!"

137
00:07:07,212 --> 00:07:11,557
And you'll be like,
"Is law school on hold? All right.

138
00:07:11,591 --> 00:07:13,725
Pretty sure you can cut hair with a gut."

139
00:07:13,759 --> 00:07:16,645
[mixed laughter]

140
00:07:16,679 --> 00:07:19,064
Guys! I'm joking. I'm joking.

141
00:07:19,098 --> 00:07:21,150
[laughter]

142
00:07:21,184 --> 00:07:23,552
- [crowd cheers]
- Joke.

143
00:07:25,980 --> 00:07:28,657
- I'm not joking. But...
- [laughter]

144
00:07:28,691 --> 00:07:31,869
God, it feels so good!

145
00:07:31,903 --> 00:07:36,582
I can't even... I can't even describe
how much better it feels.

146
00:07:36,616 --> 00:07:40,127
The best I've come up with is,
remember when you were a kid,

147
00:07:40,161 --> 00:07:42,713
and the first time you tried
something with melted cheese,

148
00:07:42,747 --> 00:07:45,966
- and you were like, "What the fuck?"
- [laughter]

149
00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:48,635
"This is the same thing?"
And they're like, "Same shit."

150
00:07:48,669 --> 00:07:50,596
And you're like, "This is amazing!

151
00:07:50,630 --> 00:07:53,349
I can have this whenever I want?"
"Mm-hm. Whenever you want.

152
00:07:53,383 --> 00:07:56,519
Just eight, ten seconds
and it's your world, man."

153
00:07:56,553 --> 00:07:57,978
You're like, "Oh, my God!"

154
00:07:58,012 --> 00:08:01,590
- It's like that, but down here.
- [laughter]

155
00:08:03,893 --> 00:08:06,737
Feels so good.

156
00:08:06,771 --> 00:08:09,198
Ohh. Here's what a piece of shit I am.

157
00:08:09,232 --> 00:08:10,324
I...

158
00:08:10,358 --> 00:08:13,327
I have been fantasizing a lot

159
00:08:13,361 --> 00:08:16,288
about people asking me

160
00:08:16,322 --> 00:08:19,500
how I lost the weight
that I haven't lost yet.

161
00:08:19,534 --> 00:08:21,335
[laughter]

162
00:08:21,369 --> 00:08:24,296
And, like, I just have so many answers.

163
00:08:24,330 --> 00:08:25,839
Like, I really enjoy doing...

164
00:08:25,873 --> 00:08:29,009
In my head, I'm like,
"Dude, it's not a diet, it's a lifestyle."

165
00:08:29,043 --> 00:08:30,802
[laughter]

166
00:08:30,836 --> 00:08:33,013
"Just gotta make smarter choices, man.

167
00:08:33,047 --> 00:08:36,683
I mean, drink more water.
Look at me, I've never felt better.

168
00:08:36,717 --> 00:08:39,353
I have so much energy.
If I can do it, you can do it."

169
00:08:39,387 --> 00:08:42,314
And then I eat chocolate soufflé,
as I have...

170
00:08:42,348 --> 00:08:45,192
- [imitates chewing sounds]
- [laughter]

171
00:08:45,226 --> 00:08:49,405
Like, "Well, next year I'll probably
be ready for this conversation."

172
00:08:49,439 --> 00:08:51,365
Fucking asshole.

173
00:08:51,399 --> 00:08:55,869
I don't even want to, like, lose weight
to live long or be healthy.

174
00:08:55,903 --> 00:08:59,123
I don't. I just want to be able
to make fun of fat people again.

175
00:08:59,157 --> 00:09:00,874
[laughter]

176
00:09:00,908 --> 00:09:03,335
And know for sure
that they're fatter than me.

177
00:09:03,369 --> 00:09:06,838
'Cause, like, sometimes...
Now I'm like anybody,

178
00:09:06,872 --> 00:09:09,300
I'll be like, "Look at this
fat fucking asshole."

179
00:09:09,334 --> 00:09:11,343
And someone'll be like,
"You're fatter."

180
00:09:11,377 --> 00:09:14,513
And I'm like, "Oh. Really?"
And they're like, "By a lot!"

181
00:09:14,547 --> 00:09:16,974
[laughter]

182
00:09:17,008 --> 00:09:21,003
"You should want his body."
And I'm like, "Ah, fuck, man."

183
00:09:23,306 --> 00:09:28,026
Since I'm gonna have a kid,
I don't want to be the fat dad.

184
00:09:28,060 --> 00:09:31,947
Remember when we were
in elementary school, in like fifth grade?

185
00:09:31,981 --> 00:09:34,950
You're like, "Hey,
look at Billy's fat fuckin' dad."

186
00:09:34,984 --> 00:09:37,620
[laughter]

187
00:09:37,654 --> 00:09:40,205
[chortles] "Fuckin'..."

188
00:09:40,239 --> 00:09:44,543
"Just fuckin' batter him up tonight
and eat him, huh, Billy's dad?"

189
00:09:44,577 --> 00:09:46,671
Just don't want to be that guy.

190
00:09:46,705 --> 00:09:48,297
I got a trainer.

191
00:09:48,331 --> 00:09:51,717
They gave me a trainer.
That's a better way of saying that.

192
00:09:51,751 --> 00:09:56,347
I joined a gym, and they go,
"Do you want a free training session?"

193
00:09:56,381 --> 00:09:59,099
I was like, "Okay.
What does it normally cost?"

194
00:09:59,133 --> 00:10:01,018
And they're like, "Like $900."

195
00:10:01,052 --> 00:10:03,145
I was like, "Wow, that's a great deal.
That's awesome."

196
00:10:03,179 --> 00:10:04,438
[crowd chuckles]

197
00:10:04,472 --> 00:10:07,983
The first session is a bait session.
It's ridiculous.

198
00:10:08,017 --> 00:10:09,652
The guy's like, "Stand up."

199
00:10:09,686 --> 00:10:12,613
Like, "Okay." He's like,
"Wow, you're a very powerful athlete."

200
00:10:12,647 --> 00:10:15,073
[laughter]

201
00:10:15,107 --> 00:10:16,742
"Were you pro before?"

202
00:10:16,776 --> 00:10:20,412
I'm like, "Okay, yes. I think I was."

203
00:10:20,446 --> 00:10:24,709
He goes, "You look like it. Your muscle
fibers look really great." I'm like...

204
00:10:24,743 --> 00:10:28,837
He's like, "Want to do this all the time?"
I'm like, "Yeah. Absolutely.

205
00:10:28,871 --> 00:10:31,840
This is a good boost for me.
I like this a lot."

206
00:10:31,874 --> 00:10:35,553
Second session, way different
than the first session.

207
00:10:35,587 --> 00:10:37,429
Second session, I'm doing burpies.

208
00:10:37,463 --> 00:10:40,558
Like, you jump on the ground
then you jump onto a wooden block.

209
00:10:40,592 --> 00:10:43,686
I'm running through sand pushing a sled.

210
00:10:43,720 --> 00:10:46,564
"And I go, is this SEAL school?
What are we doing right now?"

211
00:10:46,598 --> 00:10:48,065
[laughter]

212
00:10:48,099 --> 00:10:51,777
In the middle of this workout,
my trainer goes "Stop!"

213
00:10:51,811 --> 00:10:53,362
And I said, "Thank you."

214
00:10:53,396 --> 00:10:55,447
[laughter]

215
00:10:55,481 --> 00:10:57,324
He goes, "Know why I told you to stop?"

216
00:10:57,358 --> 00:11:00,536
And I go, "Yeah, so you don't
have to give me CPR, I think."

217
00:11:00,570 --> 00:11:01,746
[laughter]

218
00:11:01,780 --> 00:11:05,332
And he goes, "No. The Holy Spirit."

219
00:11:05,366 --> 00:11:06,500
"What?"

220
00:11:06,534 --> 00:11:09,169
[laughter]

221
00:11:09,203 --> 00:11:12,964
And he goes, "The Holy Spirit
told me to tell you to stop."

222
00:11:12,998 --> 00:11:14,633
And I go...

223
00:11:14,667 --> 00:11:17,886
"What...

224
00:11:17,920 --> 00:11:21,081
did I sign up for? What the fuck is this?"

225
00:11:22,425 --> 00:11:24,643
And he goes,
"Do you believe in Jesus Christ?"

226
00:11:24,677 --> 00:11:26,937
And I said, "Is He gonna
make me do push-ups?"

227
00:11:26,971 --> 00:11:30,274
[laughter]

228
00:11:30,308 --> 00:11:34,152
And that right there,
he got really mad at that. Like...

229
00:11:34,186 --> 00:11:36,488
really upset.
He was like, "It's not all jokes!"

230
00:11:36,522 --> 00:11:39,683
"I said one thing.
I can't say one thing? All right."

231
00:11:40,693 --> 00:11:43,662
And he tells me to take the big plate,
the 45-pound plate.

232
00:11:43,696 --> 00:11:46,582
"Hold it over your head
and run down to the pier and back."

233
00:11:46,616 --> 00:11:49,000
And the pier's, like,
three-quarters of a mile.

234
00:11:49,034 --> 00:11:50,544
And I go, "Nope."

235
00:11:50,578 --> 00:11:52,045
[laughter]

236
00:11:52,079 --> 00:11:53,547
"Not doing that."

237
00:11:53,581 --> 00:11:56,675
He's like, "You're quitting?
You're quitting on me?"

238
00:11:56,709 --> 00:12:00,554
And I go, "No,
I'm not quitting, it's just that...

239
00:12:00,588 --> 00:12:01,972
the Holy Spirit..."

240
00:12:02,006 --> 00:12:04,057
[laughter]

241
00:12:04,091 --> 00:12:06,602
"...it talks to me, too.

242
00:12:06,636 --> 00:12:08,479
And it said there's no way
I'm gonna make this run

243
00:12:08,513 --> 00:12:11,106
without throwing up
and people laughing at me.

244
00:12:11,140 --> 00:12:15,068
So, I'm gonna get a peanut butter
protein shake. I'm out, man."

245
00:12:15,102 --> 00:12:17,738
And I took off.

246
00:12:17,772 --> 00:12:19,323
I'm not doing that shit.

247
00:12:19,357 --> 00:12:22,075
I'm not making fun of you
if you're religious.

248
00:12:22,109 --> 00:12:23,952
I think that's great. Any faith.

249
00:12:23,986 --> 00:12:26,413
Christian, Muslim, Jew, what...

250
00:12:26,447 --> 00:12:29,625
If you're a Scientologist,
you can go fuck yourself. But...

251
00:12:29,659 --> 00:12:32,444
- [crowd cheers]
- Yeah.

252
00:12:35,039 --> 00:12:37,174
Because it's not old.

253
00:12:37,208 --> 00:12:38,843
It's gotta be old.

254
00:12:38,877 --> 00:12:40,678
[crowd chuckles]

255
00:12:40,712 --> 00:12:44,097
It's fair to say there's some times
I don't want to hear about it.

256
00:12:44,131 --> 00:12:45,891
You know? Like working out?

257
00:12:45,925 --> 00:12:48,935
Um... Getting high.

258
00:12:48,969 --> 00:12:50,479
That's a bummer.

259
00:12:50,513 --> 00:12:55,901
Right? Like, when there's
pills and cash and tits out and...

260
00:12:55,935 --> 00:12:58,987
someone's like, "Have you thought
about accepting the Lord into your life?"

261
00:12:59,021 --> 00:13:01,657
And you're like,
"I'm trying to make bad decisions.

262
00:13:01,691 --> 00:13:04,242
Why are you doing this to me?"

263
00:13:04,276 --> 00:13:06,453
That and pre-sex.

264
00:13:06,487 --> 00:13:08,163
That is the worst.

265
00:13:08,197 --> 00:13:10,248
During sex, <i>as-salamu alaykum.</i>

266
00:13:10,282 --> 00:13:13,001
- Anything goes. But...
- [laughter]

267
00:13:13,035 --> 00:13:15,170
Pre-sex? Like, right before,
and the girl's like,

268
00:13:15,204 --> 00:13:18,465
"Oh! What if God's watching us?"

269
00:13:18,499 --> 00:13:20,050
And you're like, "What?!"

270
00:13:20,084 --> 00:13:21,635
[laughter]

271
00:13:21,669 --> 00:13:23,679
"'What if God is watching us?'

272
00:13:23,713 --> 00:13:25,556
Of course He's watching us!

273
00:13:25,590 --> 00:13:29,100
He sees everything and this is
hands-down His favorite shit!"

274
00:13:29,134 --> 00:13:31,019
[laughter]

275
00:13:31,053 --> 00:13:32,604
[crowd cheering]

276
00:13:32,638 --> 00:13:34,423
Yeah.

277
00:13:37,101 --> 00:13:40,529
"Quit being a baby, put another knuckle
in there and let's give Him a show!"

278
00:13:40,563 --> 00:13:42,764
[laughter]

279
00:13:45,568 --> 00:13:47,436
[chuckles]

280
00:13:48,446 --> 00:13:51,289
[laughter]

281
00:13:51,323 --> 00:13:54,626
Digit play, it's fun. Get into it. But...

282
00:13:54,660 --> 00:13:56,503
let's be clear about this, guys.

283
00:13:56,537 --> 00:13:58,672
We're not gonna agree on everything. Okay?

284
00:13:58,706 --> 00:14:01,007
But we should agree on this.

285
00:14:01,041 --> 00:14:05,345
If you bring a baby
into a movie theater,

286
00:14:05,379 --> 00:14:06,597
you're a piece of shit.

287
00:14:06,631 --> 00:14:07,973
[crowd cheering]

288
00:14:08,007 --> 00:14:10,125
Yup.

289
00:14:13,679 --> 00:14:17,315
If your reason for doing it
is you couldn't get a babysitter,

290
00:14:17,349 --> 00:14:20,694
well, then,
you don't get to go to the movies.

291
00:14:20,728 --> 00:14:22,237
That's how that works.

292
00:14:22,271 --> 00:14:24,740
It happened to me in back-to-back movies,

293
00:14:24,774 --> 00:14:28,452
which statistically
I did not think was possible.

294
00:14:28,486 --> 00:14:30,662
First movie, I'm in there five minutes.

295
00:14:30,696 --> 00:14:34,040
I'm watching the movie and I hear,
"Waaah."

296
00:14:34,074 --> 00:14:35,542
"What?"

297
00:14:35,576 --> 00:14:36,752
I turn,

298
00:14:36,786 --> 00:14:41,089
and in the row behind me
there's a mother, a father and a baby.

299
00:14:41,123 --> 00:14:44,635
Not a child,
which I think is an important distinction.

300
00:14:44,669 --> 00:14:48,806
It's a baby. I'm like, "All right,
these people are insane. Um...

301
00:14:48,840 --> 00:14:50,432
I'll just ignore this."

302
00:14:50,466 --> 00:14:54,060
Turn back, 30 seconds later,
"Waah."

303
00:14:54,094 --> 00:14:56,021
I'm like,
"Well, now I have to say something."

304
00:14:56,055 --> 00:14:57,481
Now...

305
00:14:57,515 --> 00:14:58,732
I'm polite.

306
00:14:58,766 --> 00:15:01,276
So I turn and I go, "Excuse me,

307
00:15:01,310 --> 00:15:03,528
are you stabbing your baby right now?"

308
00:15:03,562 --> 00:15:05,823
[laughter]

309
00:15:05,857 --> 00:15:08,158
"'Cause it sounds like it."

310
00:15:08,192 --> 00:15:11,578
And the dad goes...
[heavy accent] "No, I love the baby."

311
00:15:11,612 --> 00:15:13,538
- You picture him, okay?
- [laughter]

312
00:15:13,572 --> 00:15:16,041
"I love him. <i>Pero...</i>

313
00:15:16,075 --> 00:15:17,292
no.

314
00:15:17,326 --> 00:15:20,211
It's my baby."

315
00:15:20,245 --> 00:15:24,675
And I said, "Well, could you?
'Cause I'm trying to watch this movie."

316
00:15:24,709 --> 00:15:26,760
[laughter]

317
00:15:26,794 --> 00:15:28,887
"And...

318
00:15:28,921 --> 00:15:31,056
your baby's ruining it."

319
00:15:31,090 --> 00:15:33,308
He's like, "No, no <i>puedo.</i>" So...

320
00:15:33,342 --> 00:15:35,185
[laughter]

321
00:15:35,219 --> 00:15:37,354
I get up, I go to the lobby,

322
00:15:37,388 --> 00:15:40,065
I see the manager
of the theater and I go, "Hey!

323
00:15:40,099 --> 00:15:44,569
There's a fucking baby in there...

324
00:15:44,603 --> 00:15:47,280
being a baby right now."

325
00:15:47,314 --> 00:15:51,743
And the manager goes,
"Some people suck."

326
00:15:51,777 --> 00:15:54,162
And he walked away.

327
00:15:54,196 --> 00:15:57,833
That is the best customer service line
I've ever heard in my life.

328
00:15:57,867 --> 00:15:59,292
Hands down.

329
00:15:59,326 --> 00:16:01,779
[cheers and applause]

330
00:16:02,914 --> 00:16:04,965
You can't even get mad!

331
00:16:04,999 --> 00:16:07,634
If you're in a restaurant,
been waiting on your food, like,

332
00:16:07,668 --> 00:16:10,136
"Where the fuck is my food?
I've been here half an hour!"

333
00:16:10,170 --> 00:16:12,222
And the manager's like,
"Some people suck." Like,

334
00:16:12,256 --> 00:16:16,852
"Oh yeah. Some people suck.
I didn't think about it. My bad.

335
00:16:16,886 --> 00:16:19,063
Sorry about that."

336
00:16:19,097 --> 00:16:20,355
I left. I left.

337
00:16:20,389 --> 00:16:22,649
The next day, I go back to the movies.

338
00:16:22,683 --> 00:16:25,443
I should point out I saw
a different movie.

339
00:16:25,477 --> 00:16:27,153
It was also a different baby.

340
00:16:27,187 --> 00:16:30,532
It's not the same family
standing out front

341
00:16:30,566 --> 00:16:34,578
and then they see me and they're like,
"Oh, there he is. Let's go inside...

342
00:16:34,612 --> 00:16:37,581
and ruin this for him again."

343
00:16:37,615 --> 00:16:41,376
This time I am way further into the movie.

344
00:16:41,410 --> 00:16:43,712
I'm emotionally invested in this movie.

345
00:16:43,746 --> 00:16:45,130
I like the movie.

346
00:16:45,164 --> 00:16:49,885
And then, out of nowhere, I hear,
"Waah."

347
00:16:49,919 --> 00:16:53,304
This time, I swear to you, I audibly go,

348
00:16:53,338 --> 00:16:54,598
"Nuh-uh."

349
00:16:54,632 --> 00:16:57,893
[laughter]

350
00:16:57,927 --> 00:17:00,645
And now, other people get involved.

351
00:17:00,679 --> 00:17:04,733
You know when you can hear
somebody's age in their voice?

352
00:17:04,767 --> 00:17:08,278
Like, I can't see shit.
It's a dark theater.

353
00:17:08,312 --> 00:17:12,950
I just hear a guy go,
"Either make it quiet or get it out!"

354
00:17:12,984 --> 00:17:15,602
[laughter]

355
00:17:18,823 --> 00:17:20,749
That guy's 140 years old!

356
00:17:20,783 --> 00:17:22,667
[laughter]

357
00:17:22,701 --> 00:17:25,378
Like, I could hear
that he'd never hugged his children.

358
00:17:25,412 --> 00:17:28,072
- I could hear it in his voice.
- [laughter]

359
00:17:32,628 --> 00:17:36,181
This time,
the mother of the baby goes,

360
00:17:36,215 --> 00:17:38,266
"Shut up."

361
00:17:38,300 --> 00:17:42,020
- And I was like, "Oh shit!" Like...
- [laughter]

362
00:17:42,054 --> 00:17:44,940
"We have a situation."

363
00:17:44,974 --> 00:17:50,779
And then a third person goes, "Shh."

364
00:17:50,813 --> 00:17:52,948
[laughter]

365
00:17:52,982 --> 00:17:56,868
What are you doing?
"Shush" is passive-aggressive.

366
00:17:56,902 --> 00:17:59,746
She said, "Shut up."
Just go straight to "fuck you!"

367
00:17:59,780 --> 00:18:01,899
What are you doing?

368
00:18:03,701 --> 00:18:07,587
But now... I wanted to be
the hero and save the movie.

369
00:18:07,621 --> 00:18:09,673
I felt a tremendous sense of injustice.

370
00:18:09,707 --> 00:18:12,843
Like, all these movies
are being ruined by babies, but...

371
00:18:12,877 --> 00:18:17,347
I didn't realize I was too angry
in that moment to um, what is it?

372
00:18:17,381 --> 00:18:20,058
Speak English words in a sentence.

373
00:18:20,092 --> 00:18:22,853
You know when you get real rage,
like... [barks]

374
00:18:22,887 --> 00:18:24,771
- Like, just...
- [crowd chuckles]

375
00:18:24,805 --> 00:18:26,148
"Dude..."

376
00:18:26,182 --> 00:18:28,608
- [barks] Like...
- [laughter]

377
00:18:28,642 --> 00:18:29,860
[growls]

378
00:18:29,894 --> 00:18:33,571
Like, you feel it,
your throat dries out, and... aah!

379
00:18:33,605 --> 00:18:37,450
So I stood up in the theater
with the best intentions and I went...

380
00:18:37,484 --> 00:18:41,287
"Why is everybody
not in the adult movie?!"

381
00:18:41,321 --> 00:18:43,648
- Like none of it made sense.
- [laughter]

382
00:18:45,993 --> 00:18:49,738
Everybody's like, "Who's that fucking guy?
What's his problem?"

383
00:18:51,290 --> 00:18:52,716
I was...

384
00:18:52,750 --> 00:18:56,761
I was trying to say,
"Let's be civilized adults."

385
00:18:56,795 --> 00:19:00,557
But instead I went "adult movie."

386
00:19:00,591 --> 00:19:03,393
"Porn's on now.

387
00:19:03,427 --> 00:19:04,853
Cover your baby's eyes."

388
00:19:04,887 --> 00:19:06,880
[laughter]

389
00:19:08,015 --> 00:19:11,235
The next thing,
I see a white T-shirt pop up

390
00:19:11,269 --> 00:19:13,929
and I'm like,
"Well, there's the dad."

391
00:19:15,647 --> 00:19:16,948
[laughter]

392
00:19:16,982 --> 00:19:19,267
Some of you got it. And...

393
00:19:20,819 --> 00:19:23,038
He looked around, like,
"Who's talking shit?"

394
00:19:23,072 --> 00:19:26,457
And I was like, "I'm talking shit, bitch."

395
00:19:26,491 --> 00:19:28,793
I didn't say it,
but he knew what was up. But then...

396
00:19:28,827 --> 00:19:30,545
[laughter]

397
00:19:30,579 --> 00:19:32,172
I went out the exit immediately

398
00:19:32,206 --> 00:19:36,284
cause I'm not getting my ass kicked
over <i>The Lego Movie, </i>so I left.

399
00:19:38,462 --> 00:19:40,998
[cheering]

400
00:19:50,933 --> 00:19:53,526
You guys,
are you ever just

401
00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:56,029
tired of being alive?

402
00:19:56,063 --> 00:19:58,740
- Know what I mean? Like...
- [crowd chuckles]

403
00:19:58,774 --> 00:20:00,784
I'm not suicidal.

404
00:20:00,818 --> 00:20:05,538
I just feel like I've done a lot
and I've seen a lot. And now I'm like,

405
00:20:05,572 --> 00:20:08,250
- "Let's wrap this shit up. Like..."
- [laughter]

406
00:20:08,284 --> 00:20:11,211
Right? Like, how many
fucking days are there?

407
00:20:11,245 --> 00:20:13,530
[laughter]

408
00:20:16,750 --> 00:20:19,677
I want to skip a grade. Remember...

409
00:20:19,711 --> 00:20:22,764
elementary school, and you get
to the first day of,

410
00:20:22,798 --> 00:20:25,558
whatever, third grade,
and you're like, "Where's Brian?"

411
00:20:25,592 --> 00:20:29,479
They're like, "He skipped."
"Excuse me? How?"

412
00:20:29,513 --> 00:20:33,108
They're like, "He can add like
a motherfucker. I don't know. He just...

413
00:20:33,142 --> 00:20:37,195
- Four, eight, twelve. He gets it."
- [laughter]

414
00:20:37,229 --> 00:20:42,033
And then you go, "I want to skip."
And they're like... [chuckling]

415
00:20:42,067 --> 00:20:45,228
"Don't even think about that.
Think about other shit."

416
00:20:46,364 --> 00:20:47,956
I'd love to skip in real life.

417
00:20:47,990 --> 00:20:50,416
That would be the best program,
if they were like,

418
00:20:50,450 --> 00:20:53,378
"If you kill it this year,
you have the best year,

419
00:20:53,412 --> 00:20:56,547
at the end of the year, a magical fairy

420
00:20:56,581 --> 00:20:59,801
or government official
will come to your house...

421
00:20:59,835 --> 00:21:02,387
and they go, 'You crushed it this year.'"

422
00:21:02,421 --> 00:21:05,390
- And you're like, "I know."
- [crowd chuckles]

423
00:21:05,424 --> 00:21:07,976
Then they're like, "Now you can skip
as many years as you want."

424
00:21:08,010 --> 00:21:10,728
I'd be like, "What the fuck?!

425
00:21:10,762 --> 00:21:12,981
Really?" "Mm-hmm.
How many do you want to skip?"

426
00:21:13,015 --> 00:21:15,066
"Thirty?"

427
00:21:15,100 --> 00:21:16,651
Just land at retirement.

428
00:21:16,685 --> 00:21:18,987
I don't wanna live
much longer than that anyways.

429
00:21:19,021 --> 00:21:21,281
Seventy. Maybe 71. You know?

430
00:21:21,315 --> 00:21:25,160
Seventy so I can be "officially old"
and experience old guy stuff,

431
00:21:25,194 --> 00:21:28,663
like people talking to me like I'm a pet,
and, um...

432
00:21:28,697 --> 00:21:29,747
[laughter]

433
00:21:29,781 --> 00:21:33,543
You ever see that? When they're like,
"Hey, hey. How you doing?

434
00:21:33,577 --> 00:21:36,546
You're so good.
Would you like me to get you anything?"

435
00:21:36,580 --> 00:21:40,384
Like, "Yeah. Put some water in my bowl.
What the fuck is this shit?" Like...

436
00:21:40,418 --> 00:21:43,261
[laughter]

437
00:21:43,295 --> 00:21:45,471
But I don't want
to live much longer than that.

438
00:21:45,505 --> 00:21:48,141
I mean, I hear people in conversation go,

439
00:21:48,175 --> 00:21:49,934
"I want to live to be a hundred."

440
00:21:49,968 --> 00:21:51,186
Really?

441
00:21:51,220 --> 00:21:52,854
Have you seen 80?

442
00:21:52,888 --> 00:21:56,566
I mean,
my dad has a friend that's 87.

443
00:21:56,600 --> 00:22:00,278
- He looks like a goblin. Okay?
- [laughter]

444
00:22:00,312 --> 00:22:03,114
He is terrifying to look at.

445
00:22:03,148 --> 00:22:04,074
And he knows it.

446
00:22:04,108 --> 00:22:07,577
He's like, "I'm coming around the corner.
Don't look at me." He knows it.

447
00:22:07,611 --> 00:22:10,688
- [laughter]
- It's scary.

448
00:22:12,032 --> 00:22:14,084
Here's how much it sucks to be that old.

449
00:22:14,118 --> 00:22:19,005
When he was 84,
he stopped taking his heart medication.

450
00:22:19,039 --> 00:22:22,342
And I go, "Why did you do that?"
And he goes, "I don't want to be here."

451
00:22:22,376 --> 00:22:24,077
[laughter]

452
00:22:25,463 --> 00:22:27,722
If you see him now,
you're like, "How you doing?"

453
00:22:27,756 --> 00:22:31,101
- "Unfortunately, alive."
- [laughter]

454
00:22:31,135 --> 00:22:32,477
"But He won't take me."

455
00:22:32,511 --> 00:22:34,354
[laughter]

456
00:22:34,388 --> 00:22:36,981
The only thing I have
going for me with that old stuff

457
00:22:37,015 --> 00:22:39,609
is that I will be the best old guy.

458
00:22:39,643 --> 00:22:42,195
I already know it.
Like, I have their personality.

459
00:22:42,229 --> 00:22:43,863
I'm anti-social as shit.

460
00:22:43,897 --> 00:22:46,532
I don't want to do anything. Like...

461
00:22:46,566 --> 00:22:50,328
whenever anybody says to me, "Hey, man.
Do you wanna go check out the..."

462
00:22:50,362 --> 00:22:55,959
I go, "No to the rest of your sentence.
Whatever it is, I don't want to do it."

463
00:22:55,993 --> 00:22:57,419
I don't want to meet new people.

464
00:22:57,453 --> 00:23:00,630
Not one more, as long as I live,
for the rest of my life.

465
00:23:00,664 --> 00:23:01,923
That's the same as old people.

466
00:23:01,957 --> 00:23:04,259
Try it if you want.
Be like, "Hey, Grandpa!

467
00:23:04,293 --> 00:23:07,137
I want you to meet Steve."
And he'll go, "Fuck Steve."

468
00:23:07,171 --> 00:23:08,972
[laughter]

469
00:23:09,006 --> 00:23:11,682
"I know everybody I need to know.

470
00:23:11,716 --> 00:23:13,810
Gonna watch my shows."
[blows raspberry]

471
00:23:13,844 --> 00:23:15,645
[laughter]

472
00:23:15,679 --> 00:23:17,730
Know what I really want?
I want to be that old...

473
00:23:17,764 --> 00:23:20,442
I don't know if it's an age,
it's just a way of being old.

474
00:23:20,476 --> 00:23:21,943
There's a certain level of old

475
00:23:21,977 --> 00:23:24,654
where you get yelled at
for trying to be helpful.

476
00:23:24,688 --> 00:23:27,615
That looks awesome.

477
00:23:27,649 --> 00:23:31,495
Know what I mean? When an old guy's like,
"I'm gonna take out the trash."

478
00:23:31,529 --> 00:23:34,872
And someone's like,
"Are you out of your fucking mind?

479
00:23:34,906 --> 00:23:37,875
Your spine'll snap. Sit down!"

480
00:23:37,909 --> 00:23:40,795
- "Okay."
- [laughter]

481
00:23:40,829 --> 00:23:42,172
"I tried. I'm sorry."

482
00:23:42,206 --> 00:23:44,466
[laughter]

483
00:23:44,500 --> 00:23:47,177
That looks amazing.

484
00:23:47,211 --> 00:23:53,266
I really want that old guy confidence
that I see...

485
00:23:53,300 --> 00:23:55,685
in the locker room.
Yeah. That's another thing.

486
00:23:55,719 --> 00:23:57,020
[laughter]

487
00:23:57,054 --> 00:24:00,524
Dude. Another thing I've noticed
since joining the gym,

488
00:24:00,558 --> 00:24:02,108
there's two types of guys:

489
00:24:02,142 --> 00:24:06,404
Guys that are 65 and older,
and then guys that cover their dicks.

490
00:24:06,438 --> 00:24:08,532
Because old guys...

491
00:24:08,566 --> 00:24:10,408
do not.

492
00:24:10,442 --> 00:24:12,869
It's crazy!

493
00:24:12,903 --> 00:24:15,246
The first few days,
I thought it was peacocking.

494
00:24:15,280 --> 00:24:16,747
Like showing off, you know?

495
00:24:16,781 --> 00:24:18,249
'Cause I saw some fucking hammers

496
00:24:18,283 --> 00:24:21,002
where you walk in
and you're like, "Whoa, yeah!"

497
00:24:21,036 --> 00:24:22,337
[laughter]

498
00:24:22,371 --> 00:24:24,630
"I wouldn't wear pants either.
Nice work, pal."

499
00:24:24,664 --> 00:24:26,866
[laughter]

500
00:24:28,001 --> 00:24:30,636
But then, like the third day,
I saw a guy,

501
00:24:30,670 --> 00:24:33,931
he had just like the cutest little thing.

502
00:24:33,965 --> 00:24:35,141
[laughter]

503
00:24:35,175 --> 00:24:37,060
And he was just like
all on the...

504
00:24:37,094 --> 00:24:40,730
He was like,
"Oil prices are crazy right now."

505
00:24:40,764 --> 00:24:42,148
[laughter]

506
00:24:42,182 --> 00:24:46,027
I'm like, "Dude, you have a little grain
of rice. You don't give a shit?"

507
00:24:46,061 --> 00:24:48,154
He didn't. He didn't care.

508
00:24:48,188 --> 00:24:50,907
I want that confidence.

509
00:24:50,941 --> 00:24:52,325
I don't even know how it's attainable.

510
00:24:52,359 --> 00:24:56,187
Like, if I know anyone's gonna see it,
I'm gonna... you know?

511
00:24:57,406 --> 00:24:59,583
[laughter]

512
00:24:59,617 --> 00:25:00,875
Give it a smack.

513
00:25:00,909 --> 00:25:02,986
[laughter]

514
00:25:04,288 --> 00:25:06,590
And then you go, "Huh. There's an inch."

515
00:25:06,624 --> 00:25:09,075
[laughter]

516
00:25:10,127 --> 00:25:14,331
Let's not act like I'm the only
self-fluffer in the room, okay?

517
00:25:16,383 --> 00:25:18,684
Dude.

518
00:25:18,718 --> 00:25:22,606
Ladies, if you've ever
received a dick-pic before, um,

519
00:25:22,640 --> 00:25:25,983
here's some secret intel:
That's not the first shot.

520
00:25:26,017 --> 00:25:28,653
[laughter]

521
00:25:28,687 --> 00:25:31,030
Pretty much goes like this: Click.

522
00:25:31,064 --> 00:25:34,309
- "Fuck that." And then...
- [laughter]

523
00:25:35,777 --> 00:25:39,272
"Oh, yeah, that's me.
That's all me right there. That's me."

524
00:25:41,741 --> 00:25:44,461
God, sweating my fucking balls off.

525
00:25:44,495 --> 00:25:46,087
Like a preacher. Amen.

526
00:25:46,121 --> 00:25:49,924
- All right. So...
- [laughter]

527
00:25:49,958 --> 00:25:51,659
Ha!

528
00:25:54,171 --> 00:25:55,305
This is a very... I think this...

529
00:25:55,339 --> 00:25:59,976
Pretty girls. Pretty town. A lot
of good-looking girls in this town. Um...

530
00:26:00,010 --> 00:26:01,978
I noticed, stylistically,

531
00:26:02,012 --> 00:26:04,855
I feel like a lot of girls here
have nose rings,

532
00:26:04,889 --> 00:26:07,484
and I have to tell you, I fucking dig it.

533
00:26:07,518 --> 00:26:08,943
Yeah.

534
00:26:08,977 --> 00:26:10,194
I like a girl with a nose ring.

535
00:26:10,228 --> 00:26:12,405
I think it says something.
I think it says,

536
00:26:12,439 --> 00:26:16,742
- "I have other piercings, and..."
- [crowd chuckling]

537
00:26:16,776 --> 00:26:20,037
- "...you can see them."
- [laughter]

538
00:26:20,071 --> 00:26:22,582
"As soon as I get this hemp bra off."

539
00:26:22,616 --> 00:26:25,502
- But...
- [laughter]

540
00:26:25,536 --> 00:26:28,546
Eyebrow ring, that's another level.

541
00:26:28,580 --> 00:26:30,173
That is a statement.

542
00:26:30,207 --> 00:26:33,468
And that statement is:
"Fisting is my first base."

543
00:26:33,502 --> 00:26:37,639
Like, those chicks
are fuckin' <i>down. </i>Am I right?

544
00:26:37,673 --> 00:26:40,808
- [crowd cheering]
- Yeah.

545
00:26:40,842 --> 00:26:42,602
Oh, yeah.

546
00:26:42,636 --> 00:26:44,270
Some of you... No?
I'm seeing disappointment

547
00:26:44,304 --> 00:26:46,856
in some people's faces, for sure.

548
00:26:46,890 --> 00:26:48,483
Yeah. Some people are like, "Mm-mm."

549
00:26:48,517 --> 00:26:50,443
[laughter]

550
00:26:50,477 --> 00:26:53,488
"Didn't sign up for this shit. No, sir."

551
00:26:53,522 --> 00:26:58,326
And the rest of you are like,
"But... But, Tom!

552
00:26:58,360 --> 00:27:02,997
What about tongue rings?
What about tongue rings, Tom?"

553
00:27:03,031 --> 00:27:04,499
What <i>about </i>them?!

554
00:27:04,533 --> 00:27:06,042
[laughter]

555
00:27:06,076 --> 00:27:07,860
Tools of the trade.

556
00:27:09,079 --> 00:27:12,840
Did Rembrandt not have a paintbrush?

557
00:27:12,874 --> 00:27:16,260
[laughter]

558
00:27:16,294 --> 00:27:19,472
Who is Beethoven without his piano?

559
00:27:19,506 --> 00:27:23,601
That girl has a tongue ring 'cause
her mouth is a homing device for cocks!

560
00:27:23,635 --> 00:27:26,896
[laughter]

561
00:27:26,930 --> 00:27:30,316
You leave her alone!

562
00:27:30,350 --> 00:27:32,777
Or just show her your dick.
There's a pretty good chance

563
00:27:32,811 --> 00:27:35,572
she's gonna lap that shit up.
Mm-mm-mm-mm.

564
00:27:35,606 --> 00:27:38,074
[laughter]

565
00:27:38,108 --> 00:27:41,478
Don't get upset.
It's silly. It's a silly joke.

566
00:27:42,613 --> 00:27:44,497
Look, I'm not a misogynistic pig.

567
00:27:44,531 --> 00:27:47,751
I think women should judge men
equally and harshly.

568
00:27:47,785 --> 00:27:49,085
You know what never fails?

569
00:27:49,119 --> 00:27:51,629
Judge men based on what they drive.

570
00:27:51,663 --> 00:27:53,130
Ladies...

571
00:27:53,164 --> 00:27:56,384
if a guy picks you up
in a minivan,

572
00:27:56,418 --> 00:27:58,010
he is telling you,

573
00:27:58,044 --> 00:28:02,348
"Why have sex when we can collect
all the <i>Angry Birds</i> stuffed animals?"

574
00:28:02,382 --> 00:28:04,542
[laughter]

575
00:28:08,346 --> 00:28:11,023
Full-size van. Whoa.

576
00:28:11,057 --> 00:28:12,983
[laughter]

577
00:28:13,017 --> 00:28:14,151
That's more like,

578
00:28:14,185 --> 00:28:16,946
"You wanna go out?
Well, you're coming."

579
00:28:16,980 --> 00:28:19,807
[laughter]

580
00:28:20,818 --> 00:28:23,745
Kidnapping joke, yeah?

581
00:28:23,779 --> 00:28:27,123
Now, ladies, if a guy picks you up
in a Honda and it's lowered,

582
00:28:27,157 --> 00:28:30,501
real low, low... to the ground...

583
00:28:30,535 --> 00:28:33,463
and there's some
cool blue lights underneath it,

584
00:28:33,497 --> 00:28:36,591
that says, "When we get
to this restaurant, get whatever you want.

585
00:28:36,625 --> 00:28:39,093
My mom's got this.
Don't worry about it. I got it. Yeah."

586
00:28:39,127 --> 00:28:42,054
- [laughter]
- "Yeah."

587
00:28:42,088 --> 00:28:44,957
"Yeah, she gave me tip money. Yeah!"

588
00:28:46,551 --> 00:28:47,477
Oh, man.

589
00:28:47,511 --> 00:28:51,021
I was in, uh, London...

590
00:28:51,055 --> 00:28:52,106
Canada.

591
00:28:52,140 --> 00:28:54,609
- Um, they have one.
- [crowd chuckles]

592
00:28:54,643 --> 00:28:55,985
And...

593
00:28:56,019 --> 00:28:58,195
Doesn't that kinda bother you?
A little bit?

594
00:28:58,229 --> 00:29:02,533
When a barely city is like,
"Let's name it after an awesome city."

595
00:29:02,567 --> 00:29:06,120
- [laughter]
- [snickers]

596
00:29:06,154 --> 00:29:09,081
And they have the nerve to ask you,
"How do you like London?"

597
00:29:09,115 --> 00:29:12,293
"The real one, or this turd
you put in a dress? Because..."

598
00:29:12,327 --> 00:29:13,753
[laughter]

599
00:29:13,787 --> 00:29:17,381
Like, the fucking balls
on Paris, Tennessee,

600
00:29:17,415 --> 00:29:20,593
to name their city Paris?

601
00:29:20,627 --> 00:29:23,763
And then they built a mini Eiffel Tower?

602
00:29:23,797 --> 00:29:26,223
Like you're gonna walk around confused,

603
00:29:26,257 --> 00:29:29,393
like, "Well, <i>bonjour!</i>
I don't even know where I'm at!"

604
00:29:29,427 --> 00:29:32,213
[laughter, cheering]

605
00:29:35,350 --> 00:29:37,735
"Can I get me a 'crassant?'"
[chortles]

606
00:29:37,769 --> 00:29:40,738
[laughter]

607
00:29:40,772 --> 00:29:42,973
Fuck Paris, Tennessee.

608
00:29:44,609 --> 00:29:47,995
So, we're leaving...

609
00:29:48,029 --> 00:29:50,373
London, Ontario, Canada...

610
00:29:50,407 --> 00:29:51,708
bothers me just to say it.

611
00:29:51,742 --> 00:29:55,336
And we're headed back to Toronto,

612
00:29:55,370 --> 00:29:59,382
and we pass by a strip club named Beef.

613
00:29:59,416 --> 00:30:01,300
- Now...
- [crowd chuckles]

614
00:30:01,334 --> 00:30:04,011
Yeah, your hearing is working just fine.

615
00:30:04,045 --> 00:30:05,722
[laughter]

616
00:30:05,756 --> 00:30:08,516
There's a strip club named Beef! I mean...

617
00:30:08,550 --> 00:30:13,604
can you even wrap your head around
the confidence a young lady has to have

618
00:30:13,638 --> 00:30:16,691
just to audition at Beef?

619
00:30:16,725 --> 00:30:21,028
Just to be like, "I know they're hiring
at Diamonds, but I'm more of a Beef girl."

620
00:30:21,062 --> 00:30:22,988
- Like, that is...
- [laughter]

621
00:30:23,022 --> 00:30:27,117
It's such an aggressive name,
even for a casual conversation.

622
00:30:27,151 --> 00:30:29,161
To be like, "Oh, you strip?"

623
00:30:29,195 --> 00:30:30,955
"Where do you strip at?"
"Beef."

624
00:30:30,989 --> 00:30:32,540
[laughter]

625
00:30:32,574 --> 00:30:35,292
- "Jesus."
- [laughter]

626
00:30:35,326 --> 00:30:39,213
"What goes on there?"
"Pretty intense shit, actually.

627
00:30:39,247 --> 00:30:43,175
We recommend you start
your night at a different strip club

628
00:30:43,209 --> 00:30:47,346
and graduate to Beef.
You start here, we'll wreck your life."

629
00:30:47,380 --> 00:30:49,432
Like, "All right. God."

630
00:30:49,466 --> 00:30:51,100
Fuckin' Beef is the name...

631
00:30:51,134 --> 00:30:54,545
Fart is a better name for a strip club.

632
00:30:56,264 --> 00:30:58,691
If somebody was like,
"You wanna go to a strip club?

633
00:30:58,725 --> 00:31:01,360
It's called Fart." I'd be like,
"No, I don't want to go there."

634
00:31:01,394 --> 00:31:04,488
"There's another one called Beef."
"All right, let's check out Fart."

635
00:31:04,522 --> 00:31:06,240
[laughter]

636
00:31:06,274 --> 00:31:07,975
"See where that ends up."

637
00:31:12,363 --> 00:31:14,707
I feel like...

638
00:31:14,741 --> 00:31:18,920
the worst part, honestly,
of traveling in our country

639
00:31:18,954 --> 00:31:20,922
is that there's no surprises.

640
00:31:20,956 --> 00:31:23,549
I swear to you, I travel every week,

641
00:31:23,583 --> 00:31:26,010
and it's really a disappointment.

642
00:31:26,044 --> 00:31:30,347
Every place is exactly
what I thought it was going to be.

643
00:31:30,381 --> 00:31:31,933
You know?
I can prove it to you.

644
00:31:31,967 --> 00:31:35,144
Picture a place you've never been to
in this country. Picture it.

645
00:31:35,178 --> 00:31:36,520
That's exactly how it is.

646
00:31:36,554 --> 00:31:38,773
[laughter]

647
00:31:38,807 --> 00:31:40,775
What are the people like, you wonder?

648
00:31:40,809 --> 00:31:42,693
What do you think they're like?

649
00:31:42,727 --> 00:31:43,861
That's right.

650
00:31:43,895 --> 00:31:46,530
[laughter]

651
00:31:46,564 --> 00:31:47,991
It's... I swear to you!

652
00:31:48,025 --> 00:31:51,368
Go to San Francisco.
They're like, "Ah, we're offended."

653
00:31:51,402 --> 00:31:52,870
And you're like, "Yep."

654
00:31:52,904 --> 00:31:54,747
[laughter]

655
00:31:54,781 --> 00:31:57,207
"I know."

656
00:31:57,241 --> 00:31:59,585
Texas? I don't think the people of Texas

657
00:31:59,619 --> 00:32:02,839
necessarily <i>want</i>
to execute retarded people,

658
00:32:02,873 --> 00:32:07,343
but I think they're like, "You know what?
This is Texas. So... whoo!"

659
00:32:07,377 --> 00:32:09,512
[laughter]

660
00:32:09,546 --> 00:32:12,682
"That's how we do it around here, brother.
A little boot scoot boop!

661
00:32:12,716 --> 00:32:14,433
See you later, dumdum.
All right."

662
00:32:14,467 --> 00:32:16,753
[laughter]

663
00:32:18,596 --> 00:32:21,816
They've done it multiple times!

664
00:32:21,850 --> 00:32:23,943
They keep doing it.

665
00:32:23,977 --> 00:32:26,654
"I'm sowwy."
"Yeah, me too."

666
00:32:26,688 --> 00:32:29,073
[laughter]

667
00:32:29,107 --> 00:32:30,891
Crazy.

668
00:32:33,486 --> 00:32:35,872
The Midwest?
I mean, don't you feel like

669
00:32:35,906 --> 00:32:38,374
we could draw a circle
around the Midwest and be like,

670
00:32:38,408 --> 00:32:41,919
- "Do we need this?"
- [laughter]

671
00:32:41,953 --> 00:32:45,965
Except for wherever you're from.
That place is fucking awesome.

672
00:32:45,999 --> 00:32:49,927
The Northeast,
shady fucking people in shady cities.

673
00:32:49,961 --> 00:32:51,470
That's all they are. Just shady.

674
00:32:51,504 --> 00:32:54,724
Just fucking all those places.
Jersey, Philly, Balti... they're all...

675
00:32:54,758 --> 00:32:57,810
- [chortles]
- [laughter]

676
00:32:57,844 --> 00:33:00,229
"How you doing?"
"Not now, thank you very much."

677
00:33:00,263 --> 00:33:01,814
[laughter]

678
00:33:01,848 --> 00:33:05,760
"Can I help you with something?"
"Nope. Never in my life."

679
00:33:07,562 --> 00:33:10,322
The one quality I do love
about Northeastern people, though,

680
00:33:10,356 --> 00:33:14,035
you could be in an argument with them
and be like, "You're a fucking asshole."

681
00:33:14,069 --> 00:33:17,329
- And they're like, "Thank you."
- [laughter]

682
00:33:17,363 --> 00:33:21,125
"My dad's an asshole, and so am I.
It's kind of a thing."

683
00:33:21,159 --> 00:33:23,961
Then what? You head, uh...

684
00:33:23,995 --> 00:33:25,337
you head on down south.

685
00:33:25,371 --> 00:33:26,839
[chuckles]

686
00:33:26,873 --> 00:33:28,591
[laughter]

687
00:33:28,625 --> 00:33:30,801
[Southern accent]
Where "God don't make no junk."

688
00:33:30,835 --> 00:33:32,845
[snickers]

689
00:33:32,879 --> 00:33:34,847
That's a real expression, by the way:

690
00:33:34,881 --> 00:33:37,391
"God don't make no junk."

691
00:33:37,425 --> 00:33:39,602
They say it a lot.
I lived there for a while.

692
00:33:39,636 --> 00:33:43,522
They say it to people who are
complaining about their own situation.

693
00:33:43,556 --> 00:33:45,942
So essentially, it's a pick-me-up. Right?

694
00:33:45,976 --> 00:33:50,404
Like, some lady might go,
"I ain't purty!"

695
00:33:50,438 --> 00:33:52,489
[laughter]

696
00:33:52,523 --> 00:33:55,451
"And I ain't no good."

697
00:33:55,485 --> 00:33:58,162
[crowd chuckling]

698
00:33:58,196 --> 00:34:01,398
"No one's ever gonna love me."
[moans]

699
00:34:02,450 --> 00:34:06,170
And someone'll go,
"Don't you talk that mess."

700
00:34:06,204 --> 00:34:08,172
[crowd chuckles]

701
00:34:08,206 --> 00:34:12,802
"Don't you say that, Sally...
Billy Bob... Sandra. Don't you say that."

702
00:34:12,836 --> 00:34:15,471
[laughter]

703
00:34:15,505 --> 00:34:18,624
"God don't make no junk."

704
00:34:20,135 --> 00:34:24,105
I always want to interrupt and be like,
"I'd like to politely disagree!"

705
00:34:24,139 --> 00:34:26,482
[laughter]

706
00:34:26,516 --> 00:34:28,692
"I think He was nodding off
when He made you."

707
00:34:28,726 --> 00:34:30,444
[laughter]

708
00:34:30,478 --> 00:34:35,158
"While your sunken eyes
and protruding underbite are charming..."

709
00:34:35,192 --> 00:34:37,601
[laughter]

710
00:34:39,946 --> 00:34:44,041
"...that map of white trash is not sending
a lot of lead to the pencil. You're right!

711
00:34:44,075 --> 00:34:47,544
You're gonna die alone,
bah-bah-bah-Nascar-fart-beer."

712
00:34:47,578 --> 00:34:51,215
[laughter, cheers]

713
00:34:51,249 --> 00:34:52,925
"You big box of stupid."

714
00:34:52,959 --> 00:34:55,803
[laughter]

715
00:34:55,837 --> 00:34:59,182
Here's great travel advice, okay?

716
00:34:59,216 --> 00:35:02,226
Do not take the red-eye.

717
00:35:02,260 --> 00:35:03,978
If you don't know what that is,

718
00:35:04,012 --> 00:35:07,857
it's amazing
that you made it this far in life.

719
00:35:07,891 --> 00:35:10,317
It's when you fly overnight

720
00:35:10,351 --> 00:35:13,237
from the West Coast
to the Eastern time zone.

721
00:35:13,271 --> 00:35:15,114
Some people love that flight.

722
00:35:15,148 --> 00:35:18,159
And those people are sociopaths.

723
00:35:18,193 --> 00:35:20,619
- Because... here's why.
- [laughter]

724
00:35:20,653 --> 00:35:24,081
You land and your body's like,
"Well, it's 3:30 in the morning.

725
00:35:24,115 --> 00:35:26,959
I guess we're going to sleep."
And then the world goes...

726
00:35:26,993 --> 00:35:29,419
- "Uh... nope!"
- [laughter]

727
00:35:29,453 --> 00:35:32,756
"6:30, dickhead!
Get ready to do stuff."

728
00:35:32,790 --> 00:35:35,509
And then you cry for days.

729
00:35:35,543 --> 00:35:37,928
Last one I ever went on,
I boarded with my wife.

730
00:35:37,962 --> 00:35:40,514
We get on, she looks
at our boarding passes, she goes,

731
00:35:40,548 --> 00:35:43,600
"We're not sitting next to each other."
And I go, "Okay."

732
00:35:43,634 --> 00:35:45,878
[laughter]

733
00:35:47,513 --> 00:35:49,273
I don't know.

734
00:35:49,307 --> 00:35:51,358
She goes,
"You don't wanna switch seats?"

735
00:35:51,392 --> 00:35:53,027
And I go, "Not really."

736
00:35:53,061 --> 00:35:54,528
[laughter]

737
00:35:54,562 --> 00:35:57,948
And she goes, "Why not?"
I said, "'Cause we don't have to."

738
00:35:57,982 --> 00:35:59,033
She goes, "What does that mean?"

739
00:35:59,067 --> 00:36:02,578
I said, "Well, there's only two people
that have to sit next to each other,

740
00:36:02,612 --> 00:36:04,205
and they're up front."

741
00:36:04,239 --> 00:36:07,733
[laughter, applause]

742
00:36:08,868 --> 00:36:10,861
"We can sit anywhere."

743
00:36:12,163 --> 00:36:14,339
She goes, "You're gonna ask
people to move."

744
00:36:14,373 --> 00:36:17,593
And I was like,
"Great. Should be a real treat."

745
00:36:17,627 --> 00:36:19,678
That's always fun, right?
"You all settled in?

746
00:36:19,712 --> 00:36:22,806
- Want to stand the fuck up now?" Great.
- [laughter]

747
00:36:22,840 --> 00:36:25,350
So...

748
00:36:25,384 --> 00:36:28,729
we're both window seats.
We need an aisle to move.

749
00:36:28,763 --> 00:36:33,276
So I go to the guy sitting next to her,
and this guy is old.

750
00:36:33,310 --> 00:36:35,986
I don't know how old,
but it doesn't look good.

751
00:36:36,020 --> 00:36:38,488
He's... he's drooling... [grunts]

752
00:36:38,522 --> 00:36:40,783
...he's got rubber where
there used to be bones...

753
00:36:40,817 --> 00:36:41,992
Put it this way:

754
00:36:42,026 --> 00:36:45,746
- It's his last flight. All right? So...
- [laughter]

755
00:36:45,780 --> 00:36:48,249
After this one, <i>no más.</i>

756
00:36:48,283 --> 00:36:49,333
[crowd chuckles]

757
00:36:49,367 --> 00:36:52,295
So I go, "Excuse me, Gandalf.
Do you think that..."

758
00:36:52,329 --> 00:36:53,963
[laughter]

759
00:36:53,997 --> 00:36:57,049
"...you could move
so I can sit next to my wife?"

760
00:36:57,083 --> 00:36:59,509
And he goes, "Move?"

761
00:36:59,543 --> 00:37:01,804
"Mm-hmm."

762
00:37:01,838 --> 00:37:03,889
He goes, "<i>You </i>move."

763
00:37:03,923 --> 00:37:06,183
- "Yep."
- [crowd chuckles]

764
00:37:06,217 --> 00:37:10,354
"I'll move here,
and then you move there."

765
00:37:10,388 --> 00:37:12,689
And he goes, "You can't see a meniscus...

766
00:37:12,723 --> 00:37:15,734
[gibberish]

767
00:37:15,768 --> 00:37:18,654
...I won't be able
to stretch out as much.

768
00:37:18,688 --> 00:37:22,325
[mumbling] I can't stretch.
I gotta sit by the aisle access

769
00:37:22,359 --> 00:37:24,743
and stretch it out there
so it's built up more.

770
00:37:24,777 --> 00:37:27,746
It'll be seven, eight times more
if I sit over there."

771
00:37:27,780 --> 00:37:30,333
And I go, "Are you reading me
a fucking novel about this?"

772
00:37:30,367 --> 00:37:32,417
[laughter]

773
00:37:32,451 --> 00:37:34,753
"Jesus, just say no!

774
00:37:34,787 --> 00:37:38,090
And I hope you lose your leg."
And then I turned around.

775
00:37:38,124 --> 00:37:40,050
Well, he was a dick.

776
00:37:40,084 --> 00:37:41,177
He was.

777
00:37:41,211 --> 00:37:43,512
Was he old? Yes.

778
00:37:43,546 --> 00:37:45,430
Was he disabled? Severely.

779
00:37:45,464 --> 00:37:47,224
[laughter]

780
00:37:47,258 --> 00:37:52,521
Disabled people have to earn their
cool points just like the rest of us.

781
00:37:52,555 --> 00:37:57,318
I'm so exhausted of the idea
that everybody with a disability

782
00:37:57,352 --> 00:38:00,029
is automatically an angel on earth.

783
00:38:00,063 --> 00:38:01,322
They're not.

784
00:38:01,356 --> 00:38:03,907
They're people, and you should
treat them like people.

785
00:38:03,941 --> 00:38:07,494
But you don't. You patronize
the shit out of them. Yeah.

786
00:38:07,528 --> 00:38:10,747
- I know you do.
- [applause]

787
00:38:10,781 --> 00:38:15,544
Of course. There's so many uncomfortably
silent guilty faces in here right now.

788
00:38:15,578 --> 00:38:17,129
[laughter]

789
00:38:17,163 --> 00:38:21,633
Yeah. You know when you're at work
and fucking Sam rolls up?

790
00:38:21,667 --> 00:38:24,053
[laughter]

791
00:38:24,087 --> 00:38:26,430
It's always Sam.

792
00:38:26,464 --> 00:38:28,515
You don't go, "Hey, Sam."

793
00:38:28,549 --> 00:38:30,017
You go, "Hai, Sahm."

794
00:38:30,051 --> 00:38:31,643
[laughter]

795
00:38:31,677 --> 00:38:32,853
And he's like, "Hi."

796
00:38:32,887 --> 00:38:35,064
And you go, "How was your weekend?"

797
00:38:35,098 --> 00:38:37,107
[laughter]

798
00:38:37,141 --> 00:38:39,193
He's like, "It was good."

799
00:38:39,227 --> 00:38:41,737
"Well, that's <i>good</i>!"

800
00:38:41,771 --> 00:38:45,574
And he's like, "You know I'm not
retarded right? I just can't stand up.

801
00:38:45,608 --> 00:38:47,451
You're a fucking asshole."

802
00:38:47,485 --> 00:38:50,646
[crowd laughs, cheers]

803
00:38:53,450 --> 00:38:56,668
Some of them are cool.
Some of them are dicks.

804
00:38:56,702 --> 00:38:59,088
I was walking into a building
not two weeks ago.

805
00:38:59,122 --> 00:39:03,717
I open the door. Ten steps back,
I notice a guy's coming up with no arms.

806
00:39:03,751 --> 00:39:05,552
You know what I do? I hold the door.

807
00:39:05,586 --> 00:39:08,680
And when he gets up, he goes,
"I don't need you to do that shit."

808
00:39:08,714 --> 00:39:09,890
And I go...

809
00:39:09,924 --> 00:39:12,935
[laughter]

810
00:39:12,969 --> 00:39:15,854
- "All right."
- [cheering]

811
00:39:15,888 --> 00:39:18,399
"Okay, Stumpy. Um...

812
00:39:18,433 --> 00:39:20,443
let's watch you bite
that handle for an hour.

813
00:39:20,477 --> 00:39:23,179
- That'll be a fun fucking show."
- [laughter]

814
00:39:24,230 --> 00:39:26,282
Fuck that guy.

815
00:39:26,316 --> 00:39:28,992
Absolutely fuck him. So...

816
00:39:29,026 --> 00:39:31,495
Midnight on this flight,
the lights come on,

817
00:39:31,529 --> 00:39:33,163
and that's too early, right?

818
00:39:33,197 --> 00:39:36,959
That's too early for the red-eye.
I panic. I think we're dying. So...

819
00:39:36,993 --> 00:39:39,586
I see the attendant, I go,
"Hey, what the fuck's happening?"

820
00:39:39,620 --> 00:39:42,005
She goes, "There's a medical
emergency in the back.

821
00:39:42,039 --> 00:39:44,800
Are you a doctor?"
And I go, "Look at me."

822
00:39:44,834 --> 00:39:46,427
[laughter]

823
00:39:46,461 --> 00:39:48,429
"You think I'm a doctor?"

824
00:39:48,463 --> 00:39:51,181
And she goes, "Are any of you?"
And we go, "No."

825
00:39:51,215 --> 00:39:54,310
I said, "I think we just established
that none of us are doctors.

826
00:39:54,344 --> 00:39:56,979
How about you kill those lights
so we can go back to sleep?"

827
00:39:57,013 --> 00:39:58,481
[laughter]

828
00:39:58,515 --> 00:40:00,649
And she goes, "Well, he needs help."

829
00:40:00,683 --> 00:40:03,819
And I go, "Well, we're not doctors.

830
00:40:03,853 --> 00:40:07,764
We could stand around him for a while,
If you think that'll help."

831
00:40:09,192 --> 00:40:10,409
"Yeah, he's fucked up."

832
00:40:10,443 --> 00:40:13,245
[laughter]

833
00:40:13,279 --> 00:40:14,997
"Huh?

834
00:40:15,031 --> 00:40:16,290
Comedian."

835
00:40:16,324 --> 00:40:18,417
[laughter]

836
00:40:18,451 --> 00:40:21,128
"Mostly stories.

837
00:40:21,162 --> 00:40:24,006
Hang in there."
I don't fucking know. So...

838
00:40:24,040 --> 00:40:27,343
half an hour later, lights are still on,
and I go, "What are we doing?"

839
00:40:27,377 --> 00:40:29,636
And she goes,
"I think we're gonna divert."

840
00:40:29,670 --> 00:40:32,306
And I go, "Divert?

841
00:40:32,340 --> 00:40:34,099
Does that mean
we're gonna dump fuel?"

842
00:40:34,133 --> 00:40:39,522
Have you ever asked somebody something
so profoundly stupid to them

843
00:40:39,556 --> 00:40:42,858
that they have to physically regroup
before they answer your question?

844
00:40:42,892 --> 00:40:44,318
[laughter]

845
00:40:44,352 --> 00:40:47,237
Like, she went to answer,
and then she went, "Huh."

846
00:40:47,271 --> 00:40:49,681
[laughter]

847
00:40:53,652 --> 00:40:57,039
Like her brain was like,
control-alt-delete, rebooted...

848
00:40:57,073 --> 00:40:59,041
[laughter]

849
00:40:59,075 --> 00:41:04,129
...and she goes, "Divert doesn't mean
dump fuel, you dumb shit."

850
00:41:04,163 --> 00:41:06,423
And I was like,
"I know, I was just playing. Gah."

851
00:41:06,457 --> 00:41:08,551
[laughter]

852
00:41:08,585 --> 00:41:10,635
She said, "We're gonna land
at the nearest airport.

853
00:41:10,669 --> 00:41:13,722
We'll get him off and we'll get him help.
Then we'll continue."

854
00:41:13,756 --> 00:41:16,266
And I go, "You gotta be shitting me."

855
00:41:16,300 --> 00:41:17,560
And she goes, "No."

856
00:41:17,594 --> 00:41:19,311
And I said, "Well, what if he's dead?"

857
00:41:19,345 --> 00:41:21,355
And she goes, "What?"

858
00:41:21,389 --> 00:41:24,525
- And I go, "If he's dead..."
- [laughter]

859
00:41:24,559 --> 00:41:27,277
"...we're not just gonna land
to drop off some luggage, right?

860
00:41:27,311 --> 00:41:29,112
We're gonna keep going."

861
00:41:29,146 --> 00:41:30,989
And she goes, "I guess so."

862
00:41:31,023 --> 00:41:32,575
[laughter]

863
00:41:32,609 --> 00:41:35,077
And I said, "Well, in that case,
I am a doctor."

864
00:41:35,111 --> 00:41:36,912
[laughter]

865
00:41:36,946 --> 00:41:38,663
"And I'm gonna need a pillow. Stat."

866
00:41:38,697 --> 00:41:40,983
[laughter]

867
00:41:42,326 --> 00:41:44,861
[cheers and applause]

868
00:41:48,040 --> 00:41:51,176
And then, I fucking killed a guy.
On a plane.

869
00:41:51,210 --> 00:41:52,469
[laughter]

870
00:41:52,503 --> 00:41:55,680
It was the most fun
I've ever had in my life.

871
00:41:55,714 --> 00:41:56,848
Um...

872
00:41:56,882 --> 00:42:00,018
Bikes! I get, like...

873
00:42:00,052 --> 00:42:02,605
verbal tics, you know?
I don't have Tourette's.

874
00:42:02,639 --> 00:42:05,732
I wish I did. It looks fun. But...

875
00:42:05,766 --> 00:42:08,735
I'll just yell shit.
It's like a hook on a catchy song,

876
00:42:08,769 --> 00:42:11,238
except it's just stuff that I watch,
and then...

877
00:42:11,272 --> 00:42:13,365
"Bikes!" I just yell it, you know.

878
00:42:13,399 --> 00:42:16,910
Over and over. Only like
two or three million times. But...

879
00:42:16,944 --> 00:42:21,498
I'm obsessed with the show
<i>Scared Straight. </i>Um...

880
00:42:21,532 --> 00:42:25,043
If you've never seen it,
it's tremendous.

881
00:42:25,077 --> 00:42:26,044
Here's what they do.

882
00:42:26,078 --> 00:42:30,132
In the show, they take kids,
middle school and high school kids

883
00:42:30,166 --> 00:42:34,261
that are getting in trouble a lot,
and they send them to jail for a day.

884
00:42:34,295 --> 00:42:37,306
And the idea is that jail
will scare the fuck out of the kid,

885
00:42:37,340 --> 00:42:39,182
and then he'll get his life together.

886
00:42:39,216 --> 00:42:42,811
Hence, <i>Scared Straight.</i>
It's tremendous.

887
00:42:42,845 --> 00:42:45,314
I'm obsessed with one episode.

888
00:42:45,348 --> 00:42:48,150
- It aired once.
- [crowd chuckles]

889
00:42:48,184 --> 00:42:51,111
In 1999.

890
00:42:51,145 --> 00:42:52,404
Here's what's great.

891
00:42:52,438 --> 00:42:57,951
It aired uncensored, which is bananas.

892
00:42:57,985 --> 00:43:02,914
And... in this episode
they did not send the kids to jail,

893
00:43:02,948 --> 00:43:04,040
like they normally do.

894
00:43:04,074 --> 00:43:08,420
Instead, they sent them
to a maximum security penitentiary.

895
00:43:08,454 --> 00:43:10,506
[crowd chuckles]

896
00:43:10,540 --> 00:43:12,174
Prison.

897
00:43:12,208 --> 00:43:16,428
And those prisoners
verbally assaulted these kids

898
00:43:16,462 --> 00:43:18,805
into crying a <i>lot.</i>

899
00:43:18,839 --> 00:43:20,849
[laughter]

900
00:43:20,883 --> 00:43:25,921
And it's the funniest shit
I have ever seen in my life.

901
00:43:27,682 --> 00:43:30,317
First of all,
don't feel, like, too bad for...

902
00:43:30,351 --> 00:43:32,068
these kids are super badass.

903
00:43:32,102 --> 00:43:34,946
They're not like,
spitting spitballs in class and...

904
00:43:34,980 --> 00:43:37,407
They're fucking stabbing other kids.

905
00:43:37,441 --> 00:43:39,034
They're badass kids. Okay?

906
00:43:39,068 --> 00:43:41,495
And they show up
to this thing with attitude.

907
00:43:41,529 --> 00:43:44,373
They walk in, they're like,
"What's up? I run sixth grade.

908
00:43:44,407 --> 00:43:46,667
- I ain't scared of you, man. Like..."
- [laughter]

909
00:43:46,701 --> 00:43:48,918
"You can't scare me."

910
00:43:48,952 --> 00:43:52,255
And they're greeted
by a guy named Crazy Chris.

911
00:43:52,289 --> 00:43:54,341
Chris has scars on his face,

912
00:43:54,375 --> 00:43:56,719
and the screen freezes.

913
00:43:56,753 --> 00:44:00,805
And it says, "Chris killed six people,
and he's doing a double life sentence."

914
00:44:00,839 --> 00:44:02,766
Like, this dude is so bad

915
00:44:02,800 --> 00:44:05,602
that when he dies and he's reincarnated,

916
00:44:05,636 --> 00:44:07,854
that guy is doing life in prison also.

917
00:44:07,888 --> 00:44:09,732
[laughter]

918
00:44:09,766 --> 00:44:13,569
So this is a bad motherfucker right here.

919
00:44:13,603 --> 00:44:15,278
The kids are like squatting around,

920
00:44:15,312 --> 00:44:18,948
and Chris is like,
"Hey. My name's Crazy Chris.

921
00:44:18,982 --> 00:44:22,536
And from now on,
you will see me in your nightmares."

922
00:44:22,570 --> 00:44:25,539
And the kids are like,
"What the fuck?" Like...

923
00:44:25,573 --> 00:44:28,041
"I'm 12. Don't talk to me like that.
Man, that's crazy."

924
00:44:28,075 --> 00:44:31,712
And he goes, "If I ever see you again,
I'll take a bite out of each of you."

925
00:44:31,746 --> 00:44:35,716
And they're like, "All right.
We're reformed now. Thank you very much."

926
00:44:35,750 --> 00:44:37,634
Jesus. But they can't leave.

927
00:44:37,668 --> 00:44:42,431
The next guy comes up to them
and he goes, "Hold mah pocket!

928
00:44:42,465 --> 00:44:46,101
- Hold mah pocket!"
- [crowd chuckles]

929
00:44:46,135 --> 00:44:49,938
And he makes kids walk around
holding the inside of his pocket.

930
00:44:49,972 --> 00:44:52,399
You understand?
So he walks, and then they're like...

931
00:44:52,433 --> 00:44:55,527
[nervous chuckle]

932
00:44:55,561 --> 00:44:57,487
I don't know what you know about prison,

933
00:44:57,521 --> 00:44:59,782
but if you're holding
onto another dude's pocket,

934
00:44:59,816 --> 00:45:03,910
- it's gonna be a rough day. All right?
- [laughter]

935
00:45:03,944 --> 00:45:06,955
Not only is this guy
making kids hold his...

936
00:45:06,989 --> 00:45:09,916
he's talking ridiculous shit

937
00:45:09,950 --> 00:45:11,794
to middle schoolers.

938
00:45:11,828 --> 00:45:14,379
He's like, "I'mma make you
suck my dick for breakfast!"

939
00:45:14,413 --> 00:45:16,089
[laughter]

940
00:45:16,123 --> 00:45:19,050
"Every mornin'."
And the kids are like... [groaning]

941
00:45:19,084 --> 00:45:21,094
[laughter]

942
00:45:21,128 --> 00:45:23,179
"I hate breakfast! Ugh!"

943
00:45:23,213 --> 00:45:26,516
[laughter]

944
00:45:26,550 --> 00:45:28,668
Funny shit like that.

945
00:45:30,137 --> 00:45:31,605
So...

946
00:45:31,639 --> 00:45:33,857
[chortles]

947
00:45:33,891 --> 00:45:36,276
He's like,
"I'mma mush your motherfucking face!"

948
00:45:36,310 --> 00:45:38,069
And the kid's like... [whimpering]

949
00:45:38,103 --> 00:45:40,322
It's so fucking funny. Ah...

950
00:45:40,356 --> 00:45:42,574
[crowd chuckling]

951
00:45:42,608 --> 00:45:46,411
There's one exchange where this dude,
he pulls a kid out of line.

952
00:45:46,445 --> 00:45:49,873
The kid's, like, 13. He weighs,
I don't know, a hundred pounds?

953
00:45:49,907 --> 00:45:51,625
And he has a bowl cut.

954
00:45:51,659 --> 00:45:53,918
Okay? He has a bowl cut.

955
00:45:53,952 --> 00:45:55,211
[laughter]

956
00:45:55,245 --> 00:45:57,547
In prison.

957
00:45:57,581 --> 00:46:00,175
Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do.

958
00:46:00,209 --> 00:46:02,969
It's parted in the middle.

959
00:46:03,003 --> 00:46:04,971
The prisoner goes, "Why you here?"

960
00:46:05,005 --> 00:46:07,932
And the kid's like...
"Ugh. Stealing."

961
00:46:07,966 --> 00:46:10,502
And he goes, "The fuck you took?"

962
00:46:12,179 --> 00:46:14,857
[laughter]

963
00:46:14,891 --> 00:46:17,108
And the kids goes, "B... Bikes."

964
00:46:17,142 --> 00:46:19,569
And he goes, "Bikes!"

965
00:46:19,603 --> 00:46:21,655
And that's why I yell "bikes"
all the time.

966
00:46:21,689 --> 00:46:22,823
[laughter]

967
00:46:22,857 --> 00:46:25,475
[cheers and applause]

968
00:46:31,323 --> 00:46:34,125
You should see me
when we drive by a bike store.

969
00:46:34,159 --> 00:46:36,628
- Holy shit.
- [laughter]

970
00:46:36,662 --> 00:46:39,715
I'll be driving. I'll be like, "Ahh..."

971
00:46:39,749 --> 00:46:44,427
- And my wife, she's pretty over it. Um...
- [laughter]

972
00:46:44,461 --> 00:46:46,095
She'll go, like, "You get one." I'm like,

973
00:46:46,129 --> 00:46:48,807
"All right, I'm gonna
make this shit count."

974
00:46:48,841 --> 00:46:51,393
So, I'll pull over,
roll down the window,

975
00:46:51,427 --> 00:46:54,979
and I wait till I see somebody
checking out one of the sidewalk displays,

976
00:46:55,013 --> 00:46:56,606
like with all the bikes out there,

977
00:46:56,640 --> 00:47:00,068
and when they find one they like
and they're like, "I like this one,"

978
00:47:00,102 --> 00:47:03,822
I'll go, "Bikes!"
And they're like, "What the fuck?!"

979
00:47:03,856 --> 00:47:06,324
And I go, "Stop selling drugs!"
And I drive off.

980
00:47:06,358 --> 00:47:08,702
[laughter]

981
00:47:08,736 --> 00:47:09,828
That's right.

982
00:47:09,862 --> 00:47:13,022
[cheers and applause]

983
00:47:15,367 --> 00:47:17,794
Super fun. You should do it.

984
00:47:17,828 --> 00:47:19,588
Ah, man.

985
00:47:19,622 --> 00:47:22,257
So, my wife is the coolest, actually.
She's the best.

986
00:47:22,291 --> 00:47:26,052
And, uh, she...
we've been together ten years.

987
00:47:26,086 --> 00:47:28,137
And women will actually ask me, sometimes,

988
00:47:28,171 --> 00:47:31,182
they'll be like, "Ten years?
That's a pretty good run.

989
00:47:31,216 --> 00:47:33,727
What's the secret?
<i>Is </i>there a secret?"

990
00:47:33,761 --> 00:47:36,271
And I want to tell you that there is.

991
00:47:36,305 --> 00:47:39,983
And ladies,
the key to your man's heart

992
00:47:40,017 --> 00:47:43,027
is through his... taint.

993
00:47:43,061 --> 00:47:45,029
Now, if you don't know,

994
00:47:45,063 --> 00:47:47,532
the taint is that little strip of land

995
00:47:47,566 --> 00:47:50,243
between a man's balls and his butthole.

996
00:47:50,277 --> 00:47:52,479
[cheers and applause]

997
00:47:55,574 --> 00:47:58,501
Also known as the Devil's Driveway.

998
00:47:58,535 --> 00:48:01,922
- Now...
- [laughter]

999
00:48:01,956 --> 00:48:05,842
...some of you are like,
"I don't want to go there.

1000
00:48:05,876 --> 00:48:08,303
That sounds scary."

1001
00:48:08,337 --> 00:48:09,930
Well, yeah.

1002
00:48:09,964 --> 00:48:11,306
[laughter]

1003
00:48:11,340 --> 00:48:13,308
Your man's perineum,

1004
00:48:13,342 --> 00:48:17,353
that's like the Incan ruins of his body.

1005
00:48:17,387 --> 00:48:20,774
And just like Machu Picchu,
its a little out of the way.

1006
00:48:20,808 --> 00:48:22,108
[laughter]

1007
00:48:22,142 --> 00:48:26,822
But once you get there,
the rewards are oh, so glorious.

1008
00:48:26,856 --> 00:48:29,866
Ladies, I just gave you
top secret clearance. Okay?

1009
00:48:29,900 --> 00:48:33,829
Um, welcome to Area 51.

1010
00:48:33,863 --> 00:48:36,915
Yeah. I never want to hear
another woman complain,

1011
00:48:36,949 --> 00:48:39,292
"I can't get a guy to call me back."

1012
00:48:39,326 --> 00:48:43,588
Well, take a vibrator,
press it against his chode,

1013
00:48:43,622 --> 00:48:46,508
and you will have
to shut down a cell tower

1014
00:48:46,542 --> 00:48:49,469
because that man
is gonna harass you. All right?

1015
00:48:49,503 --> 00:48:52,388
[laughter, applause]

1016
00:48:52,422 --> 00:48:54,557
[cheering]

1017
00:48:54,591 --> 00:48:56,059
Yeah.

1018
00:48:56,093 --> 00:48:58,687
After you make him shiver.

1019
00:48:58,721 --> 00:49:01,731
[laughter]

1020
00:49:01,765 --> 00:49:04,317
Don't be an asshole
and put it on high speed the first time.

1021
00:49:04,351 --> 00:49:07,278
You'll send him to the emergency room.
But... Ease into it.

1022
00:49:07,312 --> 00:49:09,447
One, two, three. He'll be like, all right!

1023
00:49:09,481 --> 00:49:11,767
[laughter]

1024
00:49:15,946 --> 00:49:20,291
[sighs] I'm not piling on you for
not doing enough, if you're a woman.

1025
00:49:20,325 --> 00:49:22,585
Guys are the worst.
Absolutely.

1026
00:49:22,619 --> 00:49:25,588
Every guy friend of mine
that complains about a sex thing,

1027
00:49:25,622 --> 00:49:26,840
it's always the same stupid shit.

1028
00:49:26,874 --> 00:49:31,453
They'll be like, "You know,
like, I liked her, but she's not slutty.

1029
00:49:33,047 --> 00:49:34,305
She didn't do anything slutty."

1030
00:49:34,339 --> 00:49:37,433
I'm like, "Huh. You tell her
what you like?" "Unh-unh."

1031
00:49:37,467 --> 00:49:40,103
I'm like, "Oh.
Well, you weird silent fuck."

1032
00:49:40,137 --> 00:49:42,397
[laughter]

1033
00:49:42,431 --> 00:49:44,273
"You gotta tell her.
If she likes you, she'll do it.

1034
00:49:44,307 --> 00:49:47,276
Gotta tell her, 'Put on a clown suit
and peg me.' Or whatever you like."

1035
00:49:47,310 --> 00:49:50,363
[laughter]

1036
00:49:50,397 --> 00:49:52,198
I'll tell you my favorite.
I don't give a shit.

1037
00:49:52,232 --> 00:49:54,701
I love the medical genre.

1038
00:49:54,735 --> 00:49:56,078
That is my favorite.

1039
00:49:56,112 --> 00:49:59,539
I love those pornos
where the guy goes in the doctor's office.

1040
00:49:59,573 --> 00:50:01,624
He's like, "Oh, my back hurts."

1041
00:50:01,658 --> 00:50:05,879
The nurse is like, "That's 'cause your
big stupid balls are full. Get over here."

1042
00:50:05,913 --> 00:50:07,422
[laughter]

1043
00:50:07,456 --> 00:50:09,365
I love that.

1044
00:50:11,168 --> 00:50:15,471
I love it, I told my wife,
and now we have scrubs.

1045
00:50:15,505 --> 00:50:18,182
[laughter, cheers]

1046
00:50:18,216 --> 00:50:20,685
Everybody likes it. Don't act like...
whenever you...

1047
00:50:20,719 --> 00:50:24,022
If you're a guy and you see a nurse,
you always are like...

1048
00:50:24,056 --> 00:50:27,191
"Maybe she'll suck it."
Like that. Like, you always...

1049
00:50:27,225 --> 00:50:29,986
Even if you see a nurse walking around,
you're like, "Hey.

1050
00:50:30,020 --> 00:50:31,821
What? No,
I didn't say anything. I was just..."

1051
00:50:31,855 --> 00:50:33,281
[laughter]

1052
00:50:33,315 --> 00:50:36,076
"Do you? Okay, no, you don't? Okay.

1053
00:50:36,110 --> 00:50:38,536
No, I feel fine. Thank you."

1054
00:50:38,570 --> 00:50:40,371
It's the best. I love...

1055
00:50:40,405 --> 00:50:43,291
I love, though, on the medical pornos,
those scenes,

1056
00:50:43,325 --> 00:50:47,336
they always end with letting you know
how he's doing medically.

1057
00:50:47,370 --> 00:50:49,881
Like the guy goes, "Uhhh.

1058
00:50:49,915 --> 00:50:52,383
My back feels better."
You're like, "Oh, wow."

1059
00:50:52,417 --> 00:50:53,551
[laughter]

1060
00:50:53,585 --> 00:50:57,539
"We were all worried
about your third lumbar. So, that's good."

1061
00:50:59,008 --> 00:51:00,767
Crazy, and I swear, this is true,

1062
00:51:00,801 --> 00:51:02,477
as much as I love that shit,

1063
00:51:02,511 --> 00:51:07,607
I have never in my life
seen a smaller version of my own dick

1064
00:51:07,641 --> 00:51:09,109
than when I'm in the doctor's office.

1065
00:51:09,143 --> 00:51:11,861
Like, it gets so small,

1066
00:51:11,895 --> 00:51:13,571
and it leans to the left.

1067
00:51:13,605 --> 00:51:15,698
So my dick is like, "What did you say?"

1068
00:51:15,732 --> 00:51:17,617
[laughter]

1069
00:51:17,651 --> 00:51:19,327
"Hmm?

1070
00:51:19,361 --> 00:51:22,455
Should I be here, Dad?"

1071
00:51:22,489 --> 00:51:26,292
You ever yell at it?
You're like, "What the fuck?!

1072
00:51:26,326 --> 00:51:28,670
Monday we were hitting thigh,
and today you're like,

1073
00:51:28,704 --> 00:51:32,507
- 'I want to stay in bed and read. So...'"
- [laughter]

1074
00:51:32,541 --> 00:51:35,510
"'You go out.
I'm gonna draw a bath. Bye.'"

1075
00:51:35,544 --> 00:51:38,162
And you'll be like,
"You stupid little dick!"

1076
00:51:39,589 --> 00:51:42,058
They have porno suggestions.
Isn't that weird too?

1077
00:51:42,092 --> 00:51:44,519
Like you watch a scene,
It's like, "You might also like..."

1078
00:51:44,553 --> 00:51:46,938
And you're like, "What?"

1079
00:51:46,972 --> 00:51:49,315
And then its like some weird sh...
It's like,

1080
00:51:49,349 --> 00:51:52,194
"Sis is mad at her brother
for not leaving,

1081
00:51:52,228 --> 00:51:56,698
so she blows him."
And you're like, "Ugh! Gross.

1082
00:51:56,732 --> 00:51:59,909
All right, I'm gonna see
what it looks like."

1083
00:51:59,943 --> 00:52:02,270
They're not really related.

1084
00:52:05,615 --> 00:52:09,169
That scene is so stupid cause they always
call each other Bro and Sis,

1085
00:52:09,203 --> 00:52:12,338
like any fucking people
on the planet do that.

1086
00:52:12,372 --> 00:52:15,675
The girl's like, "Bro! My friends
are coming over. Get outta here."

1087
00:52:15,709 --> 00:52:18,720
He's like, "No way, Sis. Not leaving."

1088
00:52:18,754 --> 00:52:20,847
"Come on! What'll it take?"

1089
00:52:20,881 --> 00:52:23,349
"Boop. Right there.
That's what it'll take."

1090
00:52:23,383 --> 00:52:25,060
"Okay." And you're like, "All right.

1091
00:52:25,094 --> 00:52:27,145
It's not a good premise,
but I'll watch it."

1092
00:52:27,179 --> 00:52:29,255
[laughter]

1093
00:52:33,060 --> 00:52:36,112
[sighs] Let me ask you this.

1094
00:52:36,146 --> 00:52:37,446
If you're white,

1095
00:52:37,480 --> 00:52:42,410
aren't you a little tired of being
blamed for every racial injustice?

1096
00:52:42,444 --> 00:52:45,163
- Like, doesn't part of you...
- [man] Yeah!

1097
00:52:45,197 --> 00:52:46,248
[blows raspberry]

1098
00:52:46,282 --> 00:52:49,458
[laughter]

1099
00:52:49,492 --> 00:52:51,253
Yeah, yeah. No, that's good. So...

1100
00:52:51,287 --> 00:52:53,088
[laughter]

1101
00:52:53,122 --> 00:52:56,091
People are like, "What the fuck?"

1102
00:52:56,125 --> 00:52:59,052
No! That's what I'm saying! Like...

1103
00:52:59,086 --> 00:53:01,304
Don't you kinda want to tell, like,
the other people,

1104
00:53:01,338 --> 00:53:04,307
"Why doesn't your group
get their shit together, and then

1105
00:53:04,341 --> 00:53:08,352
you can ascend to the top and then
<i>you </i>can oppress other people."

1106
00:53:08,386 --> 00:53:11,273
[mixed laughter]

1107
00:53:11,307 --> 00:53:13,482
Not as many claps on that one.
Well, uh...

1108
00:53:13,516 --> 00:53:16,511
[laughter, applause]

1109
00:53:18,105 --> 00:53:19,114
Oops.

1110
00:53:19,148 --> 00:53:20,990
[crowd chuckles]

1111
00:53:21,024 --> 00:53:22,742
Here's all I'm saying. Okay?

1112
00:53:22,776 --> 00:53:25,954
Every race is racist. Okay?

1113
00:53:25,988 --> 00:53:29,791
We're the best at it,
but every race is racist.

1114
00:53:29,825 --> 00:53:31,084
Who's super racist?

1115
00:53:31,118 --> 00:53:33,544
Asians. Right? Yeah, you guys are...

1116
00:53:33,578 --> 00:53:36,906
You're nodding. Like, "You know
goddamn right I am. Of course."

1117
00:53:38,416 --> 00:53:41,177
You don't know about it?
There's a hierarchy to the whole thing.

1118
00:53:41,211 --> 00:53:43,972
Here's how it works.
Japanese, they're number one,

1119
00:53:44,006 --> 00:53:46,599
which is weird 'cause
their genitals are blurry.

1120
00:53:46,633 --> 00:53:49,727
- But they're number one. Right?
- [laughter]

1121
00:53:49,761 --> 00:53:51,980
Then...

1122
00:53:52,014 --> 00:53:54,632
[crowd cheering]

1123
00:53:56,226 --> 00:53:59,112
Chinese and Koreans are right there.

1124
00:53:59,146 --> 00:54:02,907
And everybody else
who's, like, tan, like...

1125
00:54:02,941 --> 00:54:04,659
[laughter]

1126
00:54:04,693 --> 00:54:07,036
Vietnamese and Filipino, they're like...

1127
00:54:07,070 --> 00:54:08,746
[spits] "Fuck you!"

1128
00:54:08,780 --> 00:54:10,248
[laughter]

1129
00:54:10,282 --> 00:54:12,083
True or not?

1130
00:54:12,117 --> 00:54:13,793
Yeah.

1131
00:54:13,827 --> 00:54:16,879
Don't you feel better about everything
right now? Like...

1132
00:54:16,913 --> 00:54:18,714
What's your ethnic background?

1133
00:54:18,748 --> 00:54:23,219
You're Chinese? That's number two.
That's almost at the top.

1134
00:54:23,253 --> 00:54:25,513
That's great.

1135
00:54:25,547 --> 00:54:28,308
That's gotta feel good, right?

1136
00:54:28,342 --> 00:54:30,226
Who did you, like...

1137
00:54:30,260 --> 00:54:33,021
Who did your parents talk
the most shit about, growing up?

1138
00:54:33,055 --> 00:54:36,107
Wait. Were you raised
in an Asian household,

1139
00:54:36,141 --> 00:54:39,027
or are you one of those,
"That's cute, lets get one of those"?

1140
00:54:39,061 --> 00:54:41,429
[laughter]

1141
00:54:42,439 --> 00:54:44,766
'Cause that's a legit question.

1142
00:54:47,944 --> 00:54:51,455
Asian? So who'd your parents talk the most
shit about growing up, racially?

1143
00:54:51,489 --> 00:54:53,249
- Be honest. Huh?
- [man] Japanese.

1144
00:54:53,283 --> 00:54:57,420
- Japanese! Fuckin'... All right, so...
- [laughter]

1145
00:54:57,454 --> 00:54:59,214
Do you hate Japanese people?

1146
00:54:59,248 --> 00:55:01,799
No? They fucking hate you.
A lot.

1147
00:55:01,833 --> 00:55:04,160
[laughter]

1148
00:55:05,628 --> 00:55:07,389
You know they do. Uh...

1149
00:55:07,423 --> 00:55:11,142
What do your parents say about them?
What's the shit that they talk?

1150
00:55:11,176 --> 00:55:13,186
[man] They wanted me to marry one.

1151
00:55:13,220 --> 00:55:14,687
They wanted you to marry one?

1152
00:55:14,721 --> 00:55:17,190
[man continues indistinctly]

1153
00:55:17,224 --> 00:55:20,151
They wanted her to do whatever you want.

1154
00:55:20,185 --> 00:55:23,888
- Are your parents Saudi or...?
- [laughter]

1155
00:55:26,275 --> 00:55:29,785
Can I get this fucking straight
for a second?

1156
00:55:29,819 --> 00:55:33,206
Your parents were like,
"We want our beautiful Chinese boy

1157
00:55:33,240 --> 00:55:36,000
to marry a Japanese girl

1158
00:55:36,034 --> 00:55:39,170
so that 'she'll do whatever you want'"?

1159
00:55:39,204 --> 00:55:41,130
- Meaning they're submissive?
- [man] Yes.

1160
00:55:41,164 --> 00:55:44,867
Yeah. All right. So who's this fucking
lady sitting next to you?

1161
00:55:49,798 --> 00:55:51,766
What's she all about?

1162
00:55:51,800 --> 00:55:53,893
Hey! Don't fucking answer. It's his world.

1163
00:55:53,927 --> 00:55:57,730
- What is... What is, uh...
- [roaring laughter]

1164
00:55:57,764 --> 00:55:59,399
Ask him if you can answer.

1165
00:55:59,433 --> 00:56:01,843
[laughter]

1166
00:56:04,480 --> 00:56:06,489
She's Chinese? Damn!

1167
00:56:06,523 --> 00:56:09,242
[laughter]

1168
00:56:09,276 --> 00:56:11,453
Do you know... [laughs]

1169
00:56:11,487 --> 00:56:13,788
Do you know how I found out
about Asian racism?

1170
00:56:13,822 --> 00:56:16,332
This is how I found out about it.
I had no idea.

1171
00:56:16,366 --> 00:56:18,667
I'm shooting a commercial in L.A.,

1172
00:56:18,701 --> 00:56:21,337
and they fly in a Japanese director, okay?

1173
00:56:21,371 --> 00:56:23,881
- Uhhh. Grunts, everything. So...
- [laughter]

1174
00:56:23,915 --> 00:56:26,884
Yeah. So I was like,
"Do you have indigestion?"

1175
00:56:26,918 --> 00:56:28,594
He was, "Uhh. No."

1176
00:56:28,628 --> 00:56:31,306
We're shooting the commercial,
and between takes,

1177
00:56:31,340 --> 00:56:33,599
there's a Filipino production assistant.

1178
00:56:33,633 --> 00:56:36,269
So, he come up and talks to us
and he walks away.

1179
00:56:36,303 --> 00:56:39,188
And when he walks away,
I see the Japanese director

1180
00:56:39,222 --> 00:56:42,591
give him a very dismissive look, like...

1181
00:56:44,060 --> 00:56:48,323
And I go, "Hey! I saw that, with my eyes.
What was that all about?"

1182
00:56:48,357 --> 00:56:51,575
I go, "You don't like him?"
And he goes...

1183
00:56:51,609 --> 00:56:55,204
And I go, "Why not?"
And he goes...

1184
00:56:55,238 --> 00:56:56,539
[laughter]

1185
00:56:56,573 --> 00:56:58,166
Did you catch it? It was really fast.

1186
00:56:58,200 --> 00:56:59,792
[laughter]

1187
00:56:59,826 --> 00:57:03,921
He basically said, "I don't like him
'cause I don't like his skin color."

1188
00:57:03,955 --> 00:57:06,632
And he did it with this little gesture.

1189
00:57:06,666 --> 00:57:10,094
And I was like, "Holy shit!

1190
00:57:10,128 --> 00:57:13,431
That's fucking brilliant.
How did I not think of that?"

1191
00:57:13,465 --> 00:57:16,267
You don't have to worry about people
hearing you and getting hit.

1192
00:57:16,301 --> 00:57:18,186
Just make a little thing
and move it along. Like...

1193
00:57:18,220 --> 00:57:20,104
[laughter]

1194
00:57:20,138 --> 00:57:24,108
Don't act like you're not gonna use that
five fucking times this week.

1195
00:57:24,142 --> 00:57:26,510
[applause]

1196
00:57:28,938 --> 00:57:32,741
When you're in your favorite restaurant
and "they" come in, you're like...

1197
00:57:32,775 --> 00:57:34,202
[laughter]

1198
00:57:34,236 --> 00:57:36,037
"Let's take it to go. Thanks a lot."

1199
00:57:36,071 --> 00:57:38,314
[laughter]

1200
00:57:40,992 --> 00:57:44,086
Oh, guys. Thank you for having jobs.

1201
00:57:44,120 --> 00:57:46,548
Um... I'm assuming you do.

1202
00:57:46,582 --> 00:57:50,759
I don't fucking know. You're here.
Maybe you robbed somebody. But...

1203
00:57:50,793 --> 00:57:54,722
I was just thinking about how long
it's been since I've had a job,

1204
00:57:54,756 --> 00:57:58,684
and how I absolutely could not
get one right now.

1205
00:57:58,718 --> 00:58:01,729
If I went into a place and gave them
my résumé, they'd be like,

1206
00:58:01,763 --> 00:58:05,941
"What's with this 13-year gap
on here, man?"

1207
00:58:05,975 --> 00:58:10,238
And I'd be like, "What's with all
the questions, dude? Chill out."

1208
00:58:10,272 --> 00:58:14,158
I mean, if I had to get a job,
I think I would just go for a job

1209
00:58:14,192 --> 00:58:16,744
where no one knows
what the fuck I'm talking about,

1210
00:58:16,778 --> 00:58:19,497
so I could just make shit up. Because...

1211
00:58:19,531 --> 00:58:20,915
There's a few of those.

1212
00:58:20,949 --> 00:58:24,919
Like, the spokesman
for an arson investigation. Um...

1213
00:58:24,953 --> 00:58:28,423
Arson means fire, by the way.
I'm seeing a lot of blank faces. And...

1214
00:58:28,457 --> 00:58:30,132
[laughter]

1215
00:58:30,166 --> 00:58:31,842
You can see them online.

1216
00:58:31,876 --> 00:58:34,637
Like, a guy comes out to a podium,

1217
00:58:34,671 --> 00:58:36,722
and there's a mic
and there's news people around.

1218
00:58:36,756 --> 00:58:39,475
There's a burned down building
behind, and he's just like...

1219
00:58:39,509 --> 00:58:42,395
"Hey. That shit burned down."

1220
00:58:42,429 --> 00:58:44,522
[laughter]

1221
00:58:44,556 --> 00:58:46,566
"Could you tell us a little more?"

1222
00:58:46,600 --> 00:58:49,735
He's like, "What?" Totally aggravated.
"What do you wanna know?"

1223
00:58:49,769 --> 00:58:52,888
"How did it start?"
"It was a match."

1224
00:58:54,441 --> 00:58:57,743
And they go, "How do you know?"
"We found it."

1225
00:58:57,777 --> 00:59:01,914
"It." Like it's one. There's other
matches and he's like, "Mm-mmm."

1226
00:59:01,948 --> 00:59:03,607
"This one."

1227
00:59:04,993 --> 00:59:06,669
They go,
"How do you know that's the match?"

1228
00:59:06,703 --> 00:59:09,947
"Just complicated fire shit.
You wouldn't understand."

1229
00:59:11,958 --> 00:59:13,092
Thing is, man,

1230
00:59:13,126 --> 00:59:17,221
I miss zero part of having a day job.

1231
00:59:17,255 --> 00:59:19,140
That's the truth. I miss zero part.

1232
00:59:19,174 --> 00:59:21,517
The only part I still miss

1233
00:59:21,551 --> 00:59:26,439
is spreading rumors and gossip
about people that work there.

1234
00:59:26,473 --> 00:59:28,441
That's the fucking best.

1235
00:59:28,475 --> 00:59:30,818
It is! I remember.

1236
00:59:30,852 --> 00:59:32,570
Going to work sucks.

1237
00:59:32,604 --> 00:59:34,697
That's universal. I mean, shit!

1238
00:59:34,731 --> 00:59:36,574
Most of you will have it on Monday.

1239
00:59:36,608 --> 00:59:39,535
Fuckin'... the alarm goes off,
and you go, "Motherfucker!"

1240
00:59:39,569 --> 00:59:42,146
[laughter]

1241
00:59:45,867 --> 00:59:47,876
"Today's gonna <i>suck</i>!"

1242
00:59:47,910 --> 00:59:49,904
[laughter]

1243
00:59:51,080 --> 00:59:56,051
"But I'm gonna talk shit about Amanda
when I get there." And then that...

1244
00:59:56,085 --> 00:59:57,886
raises your spirit right?

1245
00:59:57,920 --> 01:00:01,349
You think about that in the shower.
"I'm gonna ruin Amanda's day today."

1246
01:00:01,383 --> 01:00:02,933
[laughter]

1247
01:00:02,967 --> 01:00:05,669
"This is for you, Amanda. Aahh."

1248
01:00:07,305 --> 01:00:12,109
The fucked-up thing is people
making you feel badly for enjoying that.

1249
01:00:12,143 --> 01:00:14,696
You shouldn't feel badly
for enjoying gossip.

1250
01:00:14,730 --> 01:00:17,573
It's 100 percent normal
and natural to

1251
01:00:17,607 --> 01:00:21,536
because it's definitely
an extension of childhood.

1252
01:00:21,570 --> 01:00:25,623
Because all of us, when we were kids,
and all kids now,

1253
01:00:25,657 --> 01:00:30,127
for a certain period of time,
the worst storytellers ever, okay?

1254
01:00:30,161 --> 01:00:32,963
You don't know shit
about editing information,

1255
01:00:32,997 --> 01:00:35,383
enhancing things,
keeping people's interest.

1256
01:00:35,417 --> 01:00:37,760
You don't have to have a kid to
know about this.

1257
01:00:37,794 --> 01:00:40,179
Talk to any kid. A friends kid.
A niece, a nephew.

1258
01:00:40,213 --> 01:00:43,307
It's when you go to a kid, you go like,
"Hey, were you outside?"

1259
01:00:43,341 --> 01:00:45,142
And they go, "Yeah!" And you're like,

1260
01:00:45,176 --> 01:00:48,396
"Why don't you dial that back?
That was crazy. Okay?"

1261
01:00:48,430 --> 01:00:51,566
And then you ask one question, like,
"How was that?" And they go,

1262
01:00:51,600 --> 01:00:55,194
"I have... When...
When Jeanette came by,

1263
01:00:55,228 --> 01:00:58,197
she... she didn't...
she brought the yellow cup that...

1264
01:00:58,231 --> 01:01:01,409
she didn't want to kick the ball back,
but I said, can...

1265
01:01:01,443 --> 01:01:03,786
'Cause Brian's cup is red,

1266
01:01:03,820 --> 01:01:07,582
that if you... if you...
if you don't have it now,

1267
01:01:07,616 --> 01:01:10,084
then you don't have to bring the blue...

1268
01:01:10,118 --> 01:01:13,462
'Cause the blue one
that Jane had was with her.

1269
01:01:13,496 --> 01:01:15,130
I said, 'If you don't have it,

1270
01:01:15,164 --> 01:01:18,342
you can... you can use mine now,
but then...

1271
01:01:18,376 --> 01:01:20,636
then next it's my turn.'"

1272
01:01:20,670 --> 01:01:23,138
You go, "That was a great fucking story.
Thank you."

1273
01:01:23,172 --> 01:01:26,167
[laughter, applause]

1274
01:01:29,846 --> 01:01:31,230
Je-sus!

1275
01:01:31,264 --> 01:01:33,482
[laughter]

1276
01:01:33,516 --> 01:01:38,153
And then kids accidentally tell
their first good story.

1277
01:01:38,187 --> 01:01:40,573
They don't mean to, it's an accident.

1278
01:01:40,607 --> 01:01:42,283
That's why it leaves an impact.

1279
01:01:42,317 --> 01:01:44,285
'Cause you go, "Were you at the park?"

1280
01:01:44,319 --> 01:01:45,828
And they go, "Yeah."

1281
01:01:45,862 --> 01:01:47,371
And you go, "How was that?"

1282
01:01:47,405 --> 01:01:49,290
And they go, "I saw Uncle Jeff,

1283
01:01:49,324 --> 01:01:53,628
and he had a lady sitting on his lap.
But it wasn't Aunt Maria."

1284
01:01:53,662 --> 01:01:55,003
And you're like, "What?"

1285
01:01:55,037 --> 01:01:57,490
[laughter]

1286
01:01:59,959 --> 01:02:04,930
And the kid's like, "Shit, I've never seen
that fucking face before!"

1287
01:02:04,964 --> 01:02:09,518
And you're like, "That's a good story.
Go find more stories like that."

1288
01:02:09,552 --> 01:02:11,312
[laughter]

1289
01:02:11,346 --> 01:02:13,063
That's burned into your psyche.

1290
01:02:13,097 --> 01:02:15,775
That's why you go to work,
you see your coworker,

1291
01:02:15,809 --> 01:02:17,485
you're like, "Hey, I got some juice."

1292
01:02:17,519 --> 01:02:20,863
And they're like, "Is it gonna negatively
impact somebody's life?"

1293
01:02:20,897 --> 01:02:22,865
[chortles] "Yeah." And they're like,

1294
01:02:22,899 --> 01:02:24,992
"Fucking hook that shit up!"

1295
01:02:25,026 --> 01:02:27,769
[cheers and applause]

1296
01:02:29,531 --> 01:02:33,292
I've spread so many fucking rumors.

1297
01:02:33,326 --> 01:02:37,588
My favorite part about rumors,
nobody verifies shit.

1298
01:02:37,622 --> 01:02:39,548
Somebody says something once
and you're like,

1299
01:02:39,582 --> 01:02:42,826
"Cool, I'll roll with that forever.
Thanks, man."

1300
01:02:43,920 --> 01:02:46,722
"Are you gonna fact check that?"
"Why? You said it out loud.

1301
01:02:46,756 --> 01:02:51,310
I don't have to check anything out.
It's now a fact. So, whatever."

1302
01:02:51,344 --> 01:02:55,397
It's a seed, right?
You ever a part of one that just grows?

1303
01:02:55,431 --> 01:02:58,317
I remember years ago,
I'm watching a movie with my dad.

1304
01:02:58,351 --> 01:02:59,819
In the middle of the movie,

1305
01:02:59,853 --> 01:03:03,030
the actor, Tommy Lee Jones,
appears onscreen.

1306
01:03:03,064 --> 01:03:04,532
Great actor. Oscar winner.

1307
01:03:04,566 --> 01:03:10,287
Unprompted, my dad turns to me
and he goes, "Did you know he was gay?"

1308
01:03:10,321 --> 01:03:13,040
And I was like, "No."

1309
01:03:13,074 --> 01:03:14,124
"Yeah."

1310
01:03:14,158 --> 01:03:16,043
[laughter]

1311
01:03:16,077 --> 01:03:19,046
Now, it doesn't matter, and I don't care.

1312
01:03:19,080 --> 01:03:21,507
But I decided I would tell

1313
01:03:21,541 --> 01:03:25,260
everyone I ever met
for the rest of my life

1314
01:03:25,294 --> 01:03:27,971
that Tommy Lee Jones is gay.

1315
01:03:28,005 --> 01:03:31,016
I told a lot of people.

1316
01:03:31,050 --> 01:03:33,977
Like, from <i>The Fugitive</i>
through <i>No Country for Old Men.</i>

1317
01:03:34,011 --> 01:03:37,606
- I told everybody.
- [laughter]

1318
01:03:37,640 --> 01:03:42,403
Until one day I told somebody
and he goes, "No, he isn't."

1319
01:03:42,437 --> 01:03:44,446
And I was like, "Yeah, he is."

1320
01:03:44,480 --> 01:03:46,281
And he goes, "How do you know that?"

1321
01:03:46,315 --> 01:03:48,200
And I said, "My dad told me."

1322
01:03:48,234 --> 01:03:50,619
[laughter]

1323
01:03:50,653 --> 01:03:52,496
"What? Your dad fuck him
or something?"

1324
01:03:52,530 --> 01:03:54,081
[laughter]

1325
01:03:54,115 --> 01:03:57,125
I was like, "I don't think so."

1326
01:03:57,159 --> 01:03:59,420
Then he goes, "I've known him 40 years.

1327
01:03:59,454 --> 01:04:03,006
I know his wife and kids. I knew him
when he was single. He is not gay."

1328
01:04:03,040 --> 01:04:05,843
And I go, "What is happening right now?"

1329
01:04:05,877 --> 01:04:07,428
[laughter]

1330
01:04:07,462 --> 01:04:10,097
And I called my dad immediately.

1331
01:04:10,131 --> 01:04:13,308
And I was like, "Dad!

1332
01:04:13,342 --> 01:04:18,981
I just got confirmation
that Tommy Lee Jones isn't gay."

1333
01:04:19,015 --> 01:04:22,192
And my dad goes,
"Oh, I thought he was."

1334
01:04:22,226 --> 01:04:24,403
[laughter]

1335
01:04:24,437 --> 01:04:28,574
"Is that the end of your investigation?
Are you fucking serious?

1336
01:04:28,608 --> 01:04:31,953
Why did you tell me that?"
He goes, "I don't know."

1337
01:04:31,987 --> 01:04:36,123
I said, "Did somebody tell you?"
He goes, "I can't remember."

1338
01:04:36,157 --> 01:04:40,502
I said, "Have you been telling everybody
for 15 years that Tommy Lee Jones is gay?"

1339
01:04:40,536 --> 01:04:42,588
And he goes, "Yep."

1340
01:04:42,622 --> 01:04:46,341
I go, "Don't you think we should stop?"
He goes, "Now we should."

1341
01:04:46,375 --> 01:04:48,510
[laughter]

1342
01:04:48,544 --> 01:04:50,663
Just made that shit up.

1343
01:04:51,673 --> 01:04:54,516
This is not made-up.
I'll tell you this, man.

1344
01:04:54,550 --> 01:04:56,560
[sighs] Not too long ago,

1345
01:04:56,594 --> 01:05:00,188
I met former heavyweight
champion of the world

1346
01:05:00,222 --> 01:05:02,566
Iron Mike Tyson. And...

1347
01:05:02,600 --> 01:05:05,511
[cheers and applause]

1348
01:05:07,104 --> 01:05:12,075
It completely changed my perspective
on a famous person,

1349
01:05:12,109 --> 01:05:14,787
'cause I thought I knew famous people.

1350
01:05:14,821 --> 01:05:17,331
Friends of mine on TV and movies,

1351
01:05:17,365 --> 01:05:20,375
they are dog shit next to Mike Tyson.

1352
01:05:20,409 --> 01:05:25,172
Think about how... he is famous
the way an ex-president is famous,

1353
01:05:25,206 --> 01:05:29,092
in that he can't go anywhere in the world
without everyone knowing who he is.

1354
01:05:29,126 --> 01:05:33,096
You can take him to the Philippines,
you can take him to Siberia,

1355
01:05:33,130 --> 01:05:35,265
you can take him to Namibia
and people would be like,

1356
01:05:35,299 --> 01:05:38,811
[smacking] "Mike Tyson."
Everybody knows Mike Tyson.

1357
01:05:38,845 --> 01:05:42,356
That's a perfect impression,
by the way. So...

1358
01:05:42,390 --> 01:05:46,944
we're on an afternoon flight
from L.A. to Pittsburgh.

1359
01:05:46,978 --> 01:05:50,155
He is sitting across the aisle
one row back.

1360
01:05:50,189 --> 01:05:51,866
He's right there.

1361
01:05:51,900 --> 01:05:55,327
It takes an extra hour
to board the flight. Why?

1362
01:05:55,361 --> 01:05:59,707
Because every passenger that boards
sees him, and they're like,

1363
01:05:59,741 --> 01:06:02,584
"Get the fuck out of here."

1364
01:06:02,618 --> 01:06:05,046
And they shit their pants.

1365
01:06:05,080 --> 01:06:07,756
And he's super nice.
He shakes everyone's hand.

1366
01:06:07,790 --> 01:06:10,509
Flight attendants are telling people,
"Go to your seat."

1367
01:06:10,543 --> 01:06:13,136
- And they're like, "Nope."
- [laughter]

1368
01:06:13,170 --> 01:06:15,430
"Talking to him."

1369
01:06:15,464 --> 01:06:17,307
"We're not asking you,
we're telling you."

1370
01:06:17,341 --> 01:06:19,935
"I don't give a shit.
I'm not going anywhere."

1371
01:06:19,969 --> 01:06:23,105
It takes forever. We leave late.
I don't say anything.

1372
01:06:23,139 --> 01:06:25,315
About half an hour's left in the flight,

1373
01:06:25,349 --> 01:06:28,527
and then I tell myself,
"You have to say something.

1374
01:06:28,561 --> 01:06:30,320
You're never going to run into him again."

1375
01:06:30,354 --> 01:06:34,033
So I get up, walk over to his seat
and I go, "I'm sorry to bother you.

1376
01:06:34,067 --> 01:06:37,078
I grew up watching all of your fights,
and I'm a big fan."

1377
01:06:37,112 --> 01:06:38,913
And he goes, "Thank you."

1378
01:06:38,947 --> 01:06:40,081
[laughter]

1379
01:06:40,115 --> 01:06:43,042
I said, "I'm just curious,
why are you going to Pittsburgh?"

1380
01:06:43,076 --> 01:06:46,128
He goes, "I'm promoting a fight.
What about you?"

1381
01:06:46,162 --> 01:06:49,048
I said, "I'm a comedian.
I'm going to do shows."

1382
01:06:49,082 --> 01:06:51,158
And he goes... [giggles]

1383
01:06:52,543 --> 01:06:54,177
"You're a comedian?"

1384
01:06:54,211 --> 01:06:55,303
I go, "Yeah."

1385
01:06:55,337 --> 01:06:56,972
He said, "Where's your show?"

1386
01:06:57,006 --> 01:07:00,183
I said "It's a comedy club
called the Pittsburgh Improv."

1387
01:07:00,217 --> 01:07:01,727
And he goes, "Where's that?"

1388
01:07:01,761 --> 01:07:05,188
- And I go, "I have no fucking idea."
- [laughter]

1389
01:07:05,222 --> 01:07:07,733
And he goes, "Is your show tonight?"
And I go, "No.

1390
01:07:07,767 --> 01:07:10,527
It's eleven o'clock at night
and we're on a plane."

1391
01:07:10,561 --> 01:07:13,054
[laughter]

1392
01:07:17,193 --> 01:07:19,520
"We're in the sky right now, Mike."

1393
01:07:21,030 --> 01:07:22,998
He goes, "Well, when's your show?"

1394
01:07:23,032 --> 01:07:24,959
And I go, "Tomorrow."

1395
01:07:24,993 --> 01:07:26,334
And he goes, "Where?"

1396
01:07:26,368 --> 01:07:29,738
And I go,
"Still at the Pittsburgh Improv."

1397
01:07:30,748 --> 01:07:32,466
He goes, "How do I find it?"

1398
01:07:32,500 --> 01:07:36,637
I go, "I don't fucking know.
Google it."

1399
01:07:36,671 --> 01:07:39,598
Then it hits me, like, two seconds later

1400
01:07:39,632 --> 01:07:42,977
how batshit crazy it is of me

1401
01:07:43,011 --> 01:07:45,353
to tell him to like, Google it.

1402
01:07:45,387 --> 01:07:48,273
- You know? Like...
- [laughter]

1403
01:07:48,307 --> 01:07:50,192
"You figure it out, fuckface!"

1404
01:07:50,226 --> 01:07:51,485
[laughter]

1405
01:07:51,519 --> 01:07:53,904
Am I out of my mind? So...

1406
01:07:53,938 --> 01:07:56,281
I grab a DVD out of my bag,
I give it to him.

1407
01:07:56,315 --> 01:07:59,785
I go, "It has my name on it, just
type it in. It'll show you where I'm at."

1408
01:07:59,819 --> 01:08:02,955
He goes, "Thank you."
I go, "That's cool. I met Tyson."

1409
01:08:02,989 --> 01:08:06,541
Ten seconds later,
I'm sitting in my seat and I hear,

1410
01:08:06,575 --> 01:08:08,251
"Tom?"

1411
01:08:08,285 --> 01:08:10,696
[laughter]

1412
01:08:13,708 --> 01:08:16,718
"Yes, Mike Tyson?"

1413
01:08:16,752 --> 01:08:18,971
He goes,
"Were you on television recently?"

1414
01:08:19,005 --> 01:08:21,098
And I go, "Mm-mmm."

1415
01:08:21,132 --> 01:08:22,933
He goes, "Are you sure?"

1416
01:08:22,967 --> 01:08:24,643
And I go, "Yeah, I think so."

1417
01:08:24,677 --> 01:08:26,353
And he goes, "Nothing?"

1418
01:08:26,387 --> 01:08:28,856
And I go, "I mean, I'm on Netflix."

1419
01:08:28,890 --> 01:08:31,233
And he goes, "I fucking love Netflix."

1420
01:08:31,267 --> 01:08:34,069
[laughter]

1421
01:08:34,103 --> 01:08:35,154
"Okay."

1422
01:08:35,188 --> 01:08:37,948
He goes, "What's your favorite show
on Netflix, Tom?"

1423
01:08:37,982 --> 01:08:41,326
I go, "Are we really doing this right now?

1424
01:08:41,360 --> 01:08:43,745
Like, shouting across the aisle?"

1425
01:08:43,779 --> 01:08:46,123
"I like <i>House of Cards, </i>man!" Like...

1426
01:08:46,157 --> 01:08:47,958
[laughter]

1427
01:08:47,992 --> 01:08:49,793
It feels crazy, okay?

1428
01:08:49,827 --> 01:08:52,129
So, I'm super nervous.
I don't know what to say...

1429
01:08:52,163 --> 01:08:55,007
I'm like, "I don't know.
I watched <i>Breaking Bad </i>on Netflix."

1430
01:08:55,041 --> 01:08:58,093
And he goes,
"My <i>wife</i> likes <i>Breaking Bad."</i>

1431
01:08:58,127 --> 01:09:00,804
But he said it like,
"You like shit my wife likes."

1432
01:09:00,838 --> 01:09:03,098
And I was like, "Ugh."

1433
01:09:03,132 --> 01:09:05,934
Then his eyes light up like saucers,
and he's like,

1434
01:09:05,968 --> 01:09:08,311
"Oh! You like <i>Sons of Anarchy?"</i>

1435
01:09:08,345 --> 01:09:11,065
And I know it's a great show.
There's a lot of great shows.

1436
01:09:11,099 --> 01:09:13,275
I can't see every show.
I've never seen it.

1437
01:09:13,309 --> 01:09:16,862
Do you ever lie?
Like a child to an adult?

1438
01:09:16,896 --> 01:09:19,740
'Cause you think they'll like you more
if you like the same thing?

1439
01:09:19,774 --> 01:09:23,244
Well, I saw that face and I go,
"It's my favorite show of all time."

1440
01:09:23,278 --> 01:09:25,520
[laughter]

1441
01:09:27,865 --> 01:09:30,042
And he's like, "It's the shit!"

1442
01:09:30,076 --> 01:09:33,212
And I was like, "Oh, I know.
That one episode? That's my favorite."

1443
01:09:33,246 --> 01:09:37,382
And then he gives me
a fist bump across the aisle, right?

1444
01:09:37,416 --> 01:09:39,093
Is this not registering to you?

1445
01:09:39,127 --> 01:09:42,054
I get a Mike Tyson fist bump.

1446
01:09:42,088 --> 01:09:44,806
[crowd cheers]

1447
01:09:44,840 --> 01:09:47,268
Yeah.

1448
01:09:47,302 --> 01:09:52,522
I can feel his powers
transferring from his hand into mine.

1449
01:09:52,556 --> 01:09:56,026
I'm like, "Oh, shit." That's crazy, right?

1450
01:09:56,060 --> 01:09:57,736
I'm so happy.

1451
01:09:57,770 --> 01:09:59,529
And then a few seconds later,

1452
01:09:59,563 --> 01:10:01,949
I feel a bear paw on my shoulder.

1453
01:10:01,983 --> 01:10:05,535
And I turn,
and Tyson is standing above me.

1454
01:10:05,569 --> 01:10:08,580
- I'm like, "Jesus Christ!"
- [laughter]

1455
01:10:08,614 --> 01:10:14,336
Immediately he leans down and he whispers
in my ear so nobody else can hear,

1456
01:10:14,370 --> 01:10:19,133
and he goes,
"I've been watching a lot of Netflix."

1457
01:10:19,167 --> 01:10:22,327
- That's it. That's all he said.
- [laughter]

1458
01:10:25,547 --> 01:10:28,767
Dude, I never thought
that sentence could be terrifying.

1459
01:10:28,801 --> 01:10:30,919
[laughter]

1460
01:10:33,222 --> 01:10:36,358
And now he's just looking at me like,
"Now <i>you </i>say something, bitch."

1461
01:10:36,392 --> 01:10:38,152
Ya know?

1462
01:10:38,186 --> 01:10:42,072
I was like, "I never turn it off.
It's the best." I don't know what to say.

1463
01:10:42,106 --> 01:10:44,116
He goes, "Now I recognize you."

1464
01:10:44,150 --> 01:10:45,492
And I go, "What?"

1465
01:10:45,526 --> 01:10:47,328
And he holds up the DVD.

1466
01:10:47,362 --> 01:10:51,039
And I go, "I just gave that to you."

1467
01:10:51,073 --> 01:10:53,792
And he goes,
"It's the same picture that's on Netflix."

1468
01:10:53,826 --> 01:10:56,128
And I go, "Oh, yeah.
That's the same picture."

1469
01:10:56,162 --> 01:10:57,671
He goes, "I know who you are."

1470
01:10:57,705 --> 01:10:59,381
I go, "That's crazy."

1471
01:10:59,415 --> 01:11:01,049
And he goes,
"Give me your phone number."

1472
01:11:01,083 --> 01:11:03,410
And I go, "What?!"

1473
01:11:04,920 --> 01:11:07,055
I give him my number, we land.

1474
01:11:07,089 --> 01:11:09,599
I fucking run off the plane. Okay?

1475
01:11:09,633 --> 01:11:14,104
It's like...
too much weird shit for one day.

1476
01:11:14,138 --> 01:11:15,563
The next day,

1477
01:11:15,597 --> 01:11:21,553
I'm sitting in my hotel room,
and I get a text message from Mike Tyson.

1478
01:11:22,730 --> 01:11:26,516
[cheers and applause]

1479
01:11:28,986 --> 01:11:30,745
You know what it says?

1480
01:11:30,779 --> 01:11:33,899
- "Where's your show?"
- [laughter]

1481
01:11:35,826 --> 01:11:38,086
And I go, "The Pittsburgh Improv."

1482
01:11:38,120 --> 01:11:40,505
"Where's that?"

1483
01:11:40,539 --> 01:11:42,049
<i>I </i>fucking Google it.

1484
01:11:42,083 --> 01:11:44,509
[laughter]

1485
01:11:44,543 --> 01:11:47,221
I send it to him, and the phone rings.

1486
01:11:47,255 --> 01:11:50,807
"Hey, Tom."

1487
01:11:50,841 --> 01:11:53,127
And I go, "'Sup, Champ?"

1488
01:11:56,472 --> 01:11:59,007
[cheers and applause]

1489
01:12:02,395 --> 01:12:05,364
He goes, "We're coming
to your show tonight, brother."

1490
01:12:05,398 --> 01:12:08,200
And I go, "That's fucking crazy!"

1491
01:12:08,234 --> 01:12:10,493
He goes, "Yeah, we wanna watch you
do your work."

1492
01:12:10,527 --> 01:12:12,120
And I go, "Well, I'm honored."

1493
01:12:12,154 --> 01:12:14,664
And he goes, "It's all love."

1494
01:12:14,698 --> 01:12:17,192
[laughter]

1495
01:12:18,702 --> 01:12:21,504
I know what he's saying.
I know the expression.

1496
01:12:21,538 --> 01:12:24,966
And I just want to reciprocate,
but I... I don't know what to do.

1497
01:12:25,000 --> 01:12:28,136
And I'm super nervous,
and I just go, "I love you."

1498
01:12:28,170 --> 01:12:30,789
[laughter]

1499
01:12:33,759 --> 01:12:37,979
And he goes, "Mmm, good luck
at your show." And he hangs up the phone.

1500
01:12:38,013 --> 01:12:40,190
Seattle, you're the best.
Thank you so much.

1501
01:12:40,224 --> 01:12:42,943
- Thank you very much.
- [cheers and applause]

1502
01:12:42,977 --> 01:12:45,053
Appreciate it. Thank you.

1503
01:12:47,022 --> 01:12:49,891
[up-tempo music playing]