♪ Set me free, why don't you, babe ♪
♪ Get out my life, why don't you, babe ♪
♪ You really, you don't want me ♪
♪ You keep, keep me hangin' on ♪
Hey!
You sell crack?
No, it's cool. I'm only a cop on TV.
How much... right on.
♪ Why do ya keep comin' 'round ♪
♪ And playin' with my heart? ♪
♪ Why don't you get outta my life ♪
Hey, hey.
♪ When seein' ya only breaks my heart again ♪
Is this crack?
You know how to do it?
♪ ...there ain't nothin' I can do about it ♪
Ow!
♪ Keep me hangin' on ♪
♪ Get out my life, why don't you, babe ♪
♪ Set me free, why don't you, babe ♪
Hey!
Yes. Yes, hello.
I'm having a medical situation.
Yeah, okay, um...
I don't have a belly button.
I do not have a belly button
where I should on my belly,
and I'm concerned because I don't know if that's...
Can a person live without a belly button?
'Cause if you think about it, you're born with one...
and if you don't have one you're unborn,
and it's really hazy whether you're alive or not.
I guess I'm wondering...
am I alive?
Or what if I'm God?
I don't think I need an ambulance,
but I should probably go to the hospital.
Yeah, I should.
Like you've never done worse!
Okay, yes, he totaled a car,
but it was an environmentally friendly car.
Why doesn't that get reported?
He was heartbroken, betrayed.
You say you understand, but you don't... you can't.
You're like a big, giant Vulcan.
He's coming. I'll call you later.
Hi. Margaret. I work for Lola.
- Gary. - I know.
We need to go out the back.
Are there reporters out front?
A few.
Not Hugh Grant level, more like Robert Downey Jr.
When he broke into that family's house
and slept in the kid's bed.
I handled episodes two through four for Robert,
so this sort of thing is my specialty.
Okay, just so it's said, this house is flammable.
I didn't mean to burn down my house.
Yeah, and I didn't mean to eat my way into
a ten-year shame spiral, but I did,
and it's healthier to acknowledge it.
So, this flammable house
belongs to one of Lola's other fabulous clients,
who is currently shooting a pilot in Toronto.
- An actor? - Writer.
So, for the next six weeks, su casa es su casa.
I say feel free to wear his clothes.
He'll probably get a sick thrill out of it.
The gays.
He has dogs.
Yeah, they're away at summer camp.
Now, try the bed.
It's fine.
- Comfortable? - Sure.
Look, Gary, I know this has been
crazy and stressful.
I want you to feel safe and comfortable.
- I do. - I'm a fan of yours, you know.
Your number-one fan!
But if you fuck this up,
I will smash your ankles with a sledgehammer.
And that wouldn't be comfortable
for either one of us.
Nine dogs ran through the field.
The koala sits in the tree.
It's computer voice-recognition.
The parole system can call you any time, day or night.
If you don't pick up within five rings,
the police come and haul your ass off.
What if I'm not here?
That's why they call it "house arrest."
You stay inside your house.
He can take direction, I promise.
I'll be coming by twice a day
to check up on you.
I should be the only person coming by...
no pals, no buddies, no heroin dealers.
I don't do heroin.
Yeah, crack is classy. Mm.
And I'm not buying you porn.
There's spray-per-view on cable.
Great, 'cause I really wasn't concerned
about my career, family, or future.
I just wanted to jerk off.
Ooh, let me see your phone.
Oh!
Come on, all my numbers are in there.
Dial ten digits at random.
Whoever answers will be better
than the people on that phone.
You have my cell number.
You have delivery menus.
You're fine, right?
Oh.
Bad idea.
Be good!
♪ The sun has left and forgotten me ♪
♪ It's dark I cannot see ♪
♪ Why does this rain pour down? ♪
♪ I'm gonna drown ♪
♪ In a sea
♪ Of deep confusion
♪ Somebody told me
♪ I don't know who ♪
♪ Whenever you are sad and blue ♪
♪ And you're feeling all alone ♪
♪ And left behind
♪ Just take a look inside you ♪
♪ And you'll find ♪
- Oh. - ♪ You've gotta hold on ♪
♪ Hold on through the night ♪
Keep it.
♪ Hang on
Someone was trying
to destroy the evidence.
Someone failed.
Once we get these samples back to the crime lab...
we'll know who the real killer is.
♪ Hang on
♪ Hang on to the vine ♪
♪ Stay on
♪ Soon you'll be divine ♪
♪ If you start to cry
♪ Look up to the sky
♪ Something's coming up ahead ♪
♪ To turn your tears to dew instead ♪
♪ And so I hold on to this advice ♪
♪ If you listen to your heart the whole night through ♪
♪ Your sunny Sunday will come one day ♪
♪ Soon to you
Somebody there?
Hello!
Hello?
Yes.
Nine leopards ran through the jungle.
I bought two cakes at the store.
The house is haunted.
There's a zeitgeist or something.
Poltergeist, and no.
Maybe they were rats. L.A.'s teeming with rats.
They live in the palm trees.
Uh, maybe.
Okay, you know,
I'm a licensed psychotherapist.
Really?
No, I'm a publicist.
My job is what other people think of you,
not what you think of yourself,
so pull your shit together.
I am this close to getting
Christine Walsh to do your piece in Parade.
Parade? I fucking hate Parade.
Everybody hates Parade,
but the people that watch Crim9 Lab
love their Marilyn vos Savant.
One heartfelt act of contrition,
and maybe the show writer
won't kill off your character between seasons.
I swear to God, if you go bat-shit on me...
I'm not crazy.
Exactly. Exactly.
Sorry! I'm sorry.
Over here, to your left.
Uh, right. Sorry, right.
I was practicing my putting,
if you can believe that.
Not really.
Okay, maybe I was just looking
for a way to meet my infamous neighbor.
Oh.
You see, I'm under house arrest, too.
What'd you do?
I had sex with my husband.
That's awful.
Nine months later, I had Jaden.
That's her over there.
She's a cutie.
She's sleeping for another...
Oh, 17 minutes.
She likes to keep to a schedule.
She seems really boring.
She is.
You're rich.
Shouldn't you have a nanny from Ecuador?
I'm Canadian.
Oh.
Can't work in the U.S.
Plus, I want to keep
this air of moral superiority
by doing everything myself.
Very Canadian.
Thanks.
Jaden goes down again around 2:30.
Maybe I could stop by?
I'm pretty sure I'll be here.
It's a date.
Is it?
- I'm Sarah, by the way. - Gary.
Yeah, I know.
"The best of all possible worlds."
Okay.
Voltaire, Candide.
Are you actually reading it?
I thought I was.
Sorry I bailed. Jaden had a fever.
How boring of her.
Housewarming gift!
Mmm. Demon liquor.
And the best part is I can drink it.
I pumped before I came.
So did I.
It's hard to prove that I was only trying
to burn my ex-girlfriend's stuff and not the entire house.
Yeah, fire's tricky that way.
Yeah. How 'bout you?
Any history of arson?
Strangely enough...
I knew it. I could see that little spark.
Well, it wasn't arson, probably.
When I was a little girl, our house caught on fire.
Oh, shit.
I'll never forget the look
on my father's face
as he gathered me up in his arms
and raced through the burning building
out onto the pavement.
I stood there, shivering in my pajamas,
and watched the whole world go up in flames.
And when it was over, I said to myself,
"Is that all there is to a fire?"
Is that all there is?
♪ Is that all there is?
♪ If that's all there is, my friends ♪
♪ Then let's keep dancing ♪
♪ Let's break out the booze ♪
♪ And have a ball
♪ If that's all there is ♪
And then I met the most wonderful boy in the world.
We would take long walks by the river.
We'd sit for hours gazing into each other's eyes.
We were so very much in love.
And then one day he went away,
and I thought I'd die, but I didn't.
And when I didn't, I said to myself,
"Is that all there is to love?"
♪ Is that all there is
♪ If that's all there is, my friends ♪
♪ Then let's keep... ♪
I know what you're thinking.
If that's the way she feels about it,
why doesn't she just end it all?
Oh, no.
I'm in no hurry
for that final disappointment.
I know as sure as I'm standing here
talking to you,
that when that final moment comes
and I'm breathing my last breath,
I'll be saying to myself...
♪ Is that all there is
♪ If that's all there is, my friends ♪
♪ Then let's keep dancing ♪
♪ Let's break out the booze and have a ball ♪
♪ If that's all... ♪
- I need to go. - What?
- Oh! Oh, sh... - It's okay.
Sorry, sorry.
Where are my shoes?
- Wait, just... - Sorry.
Don't worry about it. Just...
I should go. Good-bye.
You coming back?
♪ And if that mockingbird won't sing ♪
♪ Mama's gonna buy you a diamond ring ♪
♪ And if that cart and bull fall down ♪
♪ You'll still be the sweetest little baby in town ♪
Good night, sweetheart.
Good night.
The cat says, "Meow."
The pig says, "Oink."
The cow says, "Moo."
The dog says, "Nine.
Nine, nine, nine, nine."
Hello?
Yes. Yes.
Two trains run through the forest.
Nine, nine, nine, nine, nine...
Ow! Shit.
Oh!
Fuck.
Jesus, you scared the shit out of me.
What... I don't... I'm sorry.
Oh, no, I'm...
I'm fine. I'll be fine, yeah.
Where are your parents?
No, no, no, your mom and dad.
Where's your mom and dad?
I don't know what you're saying.
Look, hey, look,
I don't speak that,
so just go back to wherever you came from.
You shouldn't be out here.
No, no, no. Go...
It's not safe for you to be out here.
You should go back, okay?
Oh, shit.
Evening, Officers.
Once again, house arrest
means you stay inside your house.
Think of it like an electronic leash.
If you even go more
than 100 feet from the base station,
the cops come, and they throw your ass in jail.
If you ever try to take it off, the cops come,
and they throw your ass in jail.
If they ever detect drugs or alcohol in your system...
Cops come. Throw my ass in jail.
No, I kick your ass.
Then the cops come and throw your ass in jail.
Do I still have to answer the phone?
No, I'll be doing that from now on.
I'm moving into the guest room.
I don't need a babysitter.
Despite all evidence to the contrary.
Don't worry, I'm a cool roomie.
Who do you think taught Affleck how to gamble?
Let's never hear that again! Hmm?
ninety-seven, ninety-eight, ninety-nine.
One hundred feet.
Behold, the edge of your world.
In the world, out of the world.
In the world, out of the world...
In the world, out of the world.
Hey, I'm dancing!
Huh?
Sure, absolutely.
So the guy's like, "Do you know fencing?"
And I say, "That's what it says on my headshot."
- Lies. - Oh, always. Always.
So he says to me, "Foil or 'epi'?"
- Epée! - And I say I'm about equal in both...
- Which is true! - Exactly.
Anyway, he throws me this fucking Conan sword, right?
And then he just starts going after me.
- Oh, my gosh! - I'm just swinging.
I'm just trying to stay alive, right,
with my eyes closed,
and I end up accidentally cutting his ear.
You cut off his ear?
Yeah... well, no, no, just a little, right.
But I ended up getting the job.
Wait, you were in Pirates of the Caribbean?
Yeah. No, no.
No, not the movie, the ride.
I was all, like,
"Arr, keep both hands inside the boat."
- Ew! - You.
Don't. No finger.
Good night, fuckface.
Good night, you filthy whore.
It's incredible.
Whenever I see them,
I always feel like... damn.
I was born at the wrong time.
Exactly.
♪ ...all around the globe Paper plane ♪
♪ Getting seasick Sorry once again ♪
♪ Landing strip is getting near ♪
♪ Hope the pilots make it clear ♪
♪ Then I realized my paper plane ♪
♪ Wasn't really up there with me ♪
♪ We all make mistakes Forgive me ♪
♪ Would you like to ride in my paper plane? ♪
- Where's the warden? - Groceries.
Huh. Quite the little missus.
- How's Jaden? - Boring.
We haven't had nearly the grand old time
you two have been having.
You've been watching.
Well, I don't want to meddle in your affairs.
My affairs?
Everyone needs affection. I get it.
I don't. Are you seriously jealous?
The opposite.
I just want to protect her.
- From what? - From you.
Look at you. You date models,
actresses, tennis players.
Yeah?
On a scale of one to ten,
you belong with the nines.
We both know you won't settle for less.
What are the nines?
What?
"Look for the nines"?
It's not mine.
- It's your handwriting. - I didn't write it.
Okay.
Allee... allee... all come free.
What?
Nothing.
Seriously. What?
Nothing. I thought you were...
Forget it. Done. Sorry.
Hiya. Hi.
What?
I have to take this.
Who thought it was a good idea
to let Courtney into a pottery shop?
I know who you are.
- Really. - I know what you are.
If you come near him again...
You'll what?
What are you gonna do about it, mm...
sorry, what's he calling you?
Margaret.
I like that. Margaret. Classic.
Why don't you leave him alone?
Alone? He can't be left alone. He's an actor.
If no one's watching him,
he doesn't really exist.
And for the record...
I'm not the one deceiving him.
He'll figure it out eventually,
and when he does, who do you think he's going to blame?
Good night, rat face.
Good night.
Hey, neighbor.
Sorry for the psychotic episode.
Okay.
Are you okay?
You look a little "Beautiful Mind" -ish.
How many times should the number nine come up?
Probablistically?
Uh, "probablistically"?
You know what I mean.
One time out of ten.
How about every time?
But they only show up when you look for them.
Looking for them changes things.
Some of these are prices,
and there's gonna be a lot of nines.
There's something wrong.
There's something wrong with the world.
I can get you out of here,
but you have to trust me.
Good morning.
Everything okay?
Peachy.
Peachy's good. I like peaches.
You want coffee?
Uh, yeah. Eh.
What do I do?
Do you trust me?
Gary?
You okay?
No.
Oh?
Tell me about the nines.
The nines?
The nines.
It's sort of hard to start there.
Try, and don't tell me I'm imagining it,
'cause they're showing up everywhere,
and I want to know why.
Best guess?
They're your subconscious
trying to remind you who you are.
I'm a nine?
Yes.
Doesn't make much sense out of context.
You're not gonna understand this yet,
but... we've known each other
for, like, 25 years.
One day when I was 12,
you called me out of the blue
and we've been talking ever since.
Talking.
On the phone, usually.
I never met you before I came here.
You, Gary, never met me, no,
but you're not always...
I can understand
why you're a little confused.
No, no.
I'm a lot confused.
Theories?
- This is all a dream? - No.
- I'm in a coma? - No.
Then I'm dead?
This is hell or a purgatorium or something?
Okay, purgatorium is where Romans vomited,
but no, this is as real as anything can be.
What does that mean?
Everything is what it is,
but you're not who you think you are.
God, no, Gary, please don't.
You can't trust her. She's a nine.
You don't know what you're doing.
Okay, so what happens if I cross this line?
I don't know, but it's not good.
Oh, shit.
Previously on "Behind the Screen"...
Gavin Taylor is one
of the best TV writers out there.
Every network would kill to work with him.
- Good to see you! Mwah. - You look wonderful.
My name's Gavin Taylor.
I'm a film and television writer.
Knowing is a one-hour drama
about a woman whose husband disappears.
She believes that her daughter is the key to a dark conspiracy.
Even way back into The Fugitive,
where they didn't have the full setup
and the payoff in each episode.
Knowing is not gonna be Crim9 Lab,
not the popular kind of mystery shows
that are out there, today,
where we get all the answers.
trying to figure out how long
is the attention span of today's audience.
So, boil it down for me.
Give me one line that we can really
set Roger on fire with, here.
Basically, it's like Rosemary's Toddler.
My favorite movie. That's my favorite film.
We sold it in the room.
Just tell me Roger liked the script.
You're shooting a pilot.
Melissa McCarthy is my first
and only choice for the lead.
writing a show for you. For you.
- Really? - Yes.
Gavin and I have been friends forever.
It's delightful to be working on Knowing,
and it's, you know, not surprisingly,
a fantastic script, and it's a great cast.
Gilmore Girls has been great,
but, you know, I'm excited to go
and to have something this great to go into.
I totally trust Gavin.
The only way we can afford to shoot the pilot is in Canada.
- I can't believe we're shooting it... - A 15-day shoot versus...
This is not an argument I'm going to win.
It's really hard to think about leaving for six weeks.
Puggies.
Action.
♪ Through the back door
Puggies!
Where's your brother?
It's just so weird being back.
It just doesn't feel like my house anymore.
At this stage,
you have the script that you wrote
and the film that you shot,
but you don't know how it's gonna come together.
You just know how you want it to feel.
Be careful.
Understand? You have to use big girl hands.
You want to see where we were today?
Okay, hit play. This button.
Look!
There's you and there's Daddy.
Oh, a little movie star, huh?
Oh, he'll be back soon. Don't you worry.
I don't know if we need the cold open.
I think we want to get right to the story.
- The story's so strong. - Excuse me?
Is there any way we could be more clear
about why Mary's so freaked out at that moment?
Wow... I think it's pretty obvious and dramatic.
It is, it's dramatic, but, you know,
that's Roger's big thing this season,
is never let the audience be confused.
Oh, my God, that's just a huge thing to remove.
No, it's just, you know, let's see it without it.
Humor. You know, life is full of funny little strange moments.
I'm just wondering if there could be, like, not a belly laugh...
I invited Susan to see a rough cut
because I trust her taste.
More importantly,
I trust her as a barometer of Roger's taste.
to give the audience a little...
Uh, yeah, I mean...
Unfortunately, in this process,
it comes down to the decision of one person,
and that person's Roger.
I was thinking we could all go down
to El Cholo for dinner tonight.
How do you feel about some blue corn enchiladas?
Should we ask Daddy when he gets back?
He's not coming back.
Okay, stop.
We just need to slip a wild line for you
over the shot of Noelle.
What's the line?
"How could you."
- How could you. - How could you.
It sounds like kosher drug paraphernalia.
"Hey, Schmuley!
Have a hook on the Hookajew."
I know. It's just for the test screening.
They really think people won't get it?
The dumb people might not.
I didn't think we were making
the show for dumb people.
Yeah.
He's not coming back.
How could you?
How could you?!
How could you.
How could you...?
- One more. - How could you?
Cut. Perfect.
I feel so dirty.
That's how I like it.
Uh!
I like that one.
I want to thank you all very much for coming.
The show is "Knowing." It's a brand-new pilot.
Here, in this audience today,
you are the very first people to see it,
and after it's over, I will come back here
and we'll all fill out a comment card on our thoughts.
That being said, enjoy the show.
Please take as much time as you like.
There's no rush with this whatsoever.
When you are finished,
we're gonna break into two separate groups...
men and women... and then we'll discuss.
One of the most important things in any new show
is how you feel about the characters.
If you like the characters,
you're more likely to tune in next week.
Let's find out about these characters.
Show of hands... how many of you liked
the character of Gabriel?
One, two, three, four, five, six.
How 'bout Mary?
One, two, three, four.
Noelle?
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.
So, it's everybody.
Sierra?
One, two, three, four. Ah.
That's it?
Is there anything confusing in the storyline
that's not resolved for you?
Look at this guy. This guy hasn't budged.
His eyes are shut.
That's helpful. Thank you.
I hate it in movies and TV shows when they
leave the car windows down when they totally wouldn't.
- So they can see the camera? - What's the difference.
Want to see the camera?
Was this an issue for anybody else?
One.
Any other confusions?
Yeah. Was the little girl deaf or was she just mute?
Oh!
Is the little girl deaf or mute... is she deaf or mute?
I'm saying what would you say to him?
I'm not saying I don't know.
Come on. We're not signing to her, she's signing to us.
We're just speaking to her,
and she seems to understand it.
I thought that was quite clear.
That guy's staring at me.
He can't see you.
God, he's staring at me.
I just waved, and he nodded his head.
He can't see you. Can't see us.
Susan, he's looking right at me.
You didn't raise your hand
to any questions. Any thoughts?
It's not real.
What does that mean?
The show's not real.
Why can't you see that? Jesus!
What, are you fucking blind?!
You think you're above this, don't you?
You are trapped here with the rest of us, brother.
Get out. Get out!
Oblivio accebit!
Oh, my God.
You okay?
Yeah, but what was that?
Oh, my God.
I don't know.
The guy was crazy, clearly, I just...
I mean, the show's a little bit twisted,
so maybe it flipped something in him, I don't know.
What did he say?
He said, "Oblivio accebit."
It's Latin, "oblivion approaches."
What does that mean?
Other than the world is coming to an end?
"Oblivio" can also mean, uh, forgetting.
Forgetfulness.
But I think that's what I'm gonna do.
Forget it.
He was a terrible comedian and his mom ran the Improv.
Oh, my God, Pauly Shore.
You're not helping me at all!
Designer that was unfortunately killed in Miami outside of his house.
Gianni Versace!
One word for both of them.
Br-Brangelina.
Oh, uh...
This is a hard one, and I don't know how to do it.
You're giving... you and I should switch,
because that's... you're...
three weeks later. I remember that.
Did you have a chance to look at those cards yet?
From the screening?
Pardon me. Ooh!
- Daddy needs a drink. - Help yourself then.
Hey, woman! Where's my drink?
I'm-a comin'!
But I still love you most.
People will write things on those cards
that they won't say in a focus group.
They get more specific.
Roger says, you know, forget about the people
who score you in the twos and threes,
because they're never gonna like your show.
Instead, look for the nines.
The nines.
They're the ones who think your show
is almost the best thing they've ever seen.
They get your vision,
they just want it to be better.
Round two is starting without you!
- You gonna look at those cards? - Absolutely.
- Yeah? - Yep.
Sometimes the numbers point things out
that you didn't want to admit to yourself,
and in this case, it's Melissa.
Well, her overall scores were okay,
but if you look at the people who scored the show the highest,
the one consistent dip was Melissa.
There's some sort of subtle undertones
of negativity there.
Well, Gavin, the show is testing
very well in the Midwest,
but it's not doing well in the urban areas,
and it's not doing well with men.
We've got a major problem,
and I really need you
to think about this with me.
It's Melissa,
and it's just what I thought it was gonna be.
If you'd read the cards, you'd understand.
I read some of the cards, but I don't believe in that stuff.
I don't believe you can let these armchair quarterbacks...
They're not connecting to Melissa.
And I love her. She's so strong.
I am with you on the fact that she is
not your traditional lead
of a network television show.
She doesn't have a ton to do in the pilot.
There's so much to set it up.
That's one of the challenges of the premise pilot.
But the network still likes the show.
Roger is your biggest cheerleader.
Okay, how about above Roger?
Roger's calling the shots on this.
But we all know that Roger consults with the "higher powers."
- That is true. - They tell him what to do.
- I'm wondering if they liked the show. - They haven't seen it.
They're gonna watch all of the pilots on Friday.
That's what I'm trying to tell you.
I want to have...
something to present to them...
Why are you focusing on Melissa?
She's our biggest concern.
She's also the biggest star on the show.
No, no, no.
You are the biggest star.
Roger has a huge deal with you,
and he went along with casting Melissa
when it was against his instinct.
Hooray for Roger.
I don't understand what you want me to do.
Meet with someone.
- Who? - Dahlia Salem.
I know you like her.
Oh, God. Are you kidding me?
The network has a huge holding deal with her.
Yes, and they put her in Gatins' pilot.
That's dead. I mean, it's dying.
But the network, they love Dahlia,
so if she could just jump into your show...
Just jump over to my show?
There's no such thing...
there's re-shooting the pilot,
and I brought this up months and months ago.
You guys kept pushing other people on me,
and I kept saying Melissa, Melissa, Melissa.
You kept pushing Melissa on us,
and now we have a problem.
You're very lucky
in that Roger will pay for this.
Roger is willing to re-shoot
this entire fucking thing.
Is this really about Melissa?
This is about getting your show on the air, right?
I need you to focus on that.
In the end, that's all that matters.
That's my job.
- Hey, hi. - Hi.
- Well, nice to... - Thank you for doing this.
I've been looking forward to this, actually.
- I have a question: - Yes?
Is it "Dalia" or "Dahlia"?
Thank you for asking. It's "Dalia."
- Dalia. I knew it! - You did?
I contested this with someone earlier.
Well, good.
We have the same birthday.
I looked you up on the IMDb.
I wanted to see everything you... What?
Yes, we have the same birthday!
Same year, same day, everything.
- Are you kidding me? - I'm not kidding you.
- Isn't that cool? - That's insane.
- Yeah, November 21st. - Oh, my God.
So you're completely and utterly crazy, too!
She works more than me!
That's the thing that's killing me,
because she gave up Gilmore Girls to do this show.
She's a very strong character,
and I'm attracted to strong roles.
Yeah, I'm hoping to fill her out even more,
and obviously collaborate
with the person that's playing her.
I mean, I see why the network loves her.
She's adorable, but it's just that in my head,
you know, I wrote the role for Melissa.
She's one of my best friends,
and I can only imagine it with her.
Could Dahlia do it?
Absolutely. She's terrific.
It could work, I just don't know if I want it to work.
When I get stressed out, I play videogames.
It's my therapy.
Can't have them on my computer at home
'cause then I'd never write, so I come to Koreatown.
I mean, I love these games that you can kind of...
lose yourself a little bit in them.
I love that it's a different world
that's existing at the same time.
They're better than real life,
because when you get stuck, you can always hit "reset."
That's what life needs. Needs a reset button.
I have to let Melissa go.
What happens if you don't let Melissa go?
If I don't let Melissa go? Um...
Well...
My world ends, so...
I can't let that happen.
If we're gonna replace Melissa,
I want to hear it from Roger.
Roger's on a plane to London,
but I talked with him before he left,
and he said yes on Dahlia.
What does that mean?
It means yes.
Yes, replace Melissa?
Roger wants your show on the air starring Dahlia,
and I just got off the phone
with her agents, and they love it,
and she loves, loves you.
What about Melissa?
You want me to call her agents?
Oh, God, no. No, I'll tell her.
♪ As long as he needs me
♪ I know where I must be
I am trying to get my one-woman show together
that I'm trying to squeeze in
between the pilot and the series.
When you add that cry to the voice:
♪ As long as...
Oh!
I've always been kind of obsessed with nuns.
You know, they're kind of like God's fag-hags, so...
I went to private Catholic schools for 12 years,
so I have a lot of... nuns.
I'm sorry. I swear, I don't usually...
I'm sorry, I'm sorry... ooh!
I have to take this. I'm so sorry.
Yeah, I guess we still mean it.
They accepted our offer.
All right, we will call you back.
Thank you. No, no, no, it's good.
I know I sound nervous. Okay, bye.
I think we just bought a house.
Pretty good. Pretty good, right?
That's good.
- Right? - Yeah, I'm sorry.
Go to take a phone call... we just bought a house!
Well, I think that the show that Gavin wrote for her
could be a really big deal for her,
'cause she's been more of a supporting character,
and now she's right in the thick.
So, it's exciting.
She's really excited, a little nervous.
♪ Then you will know
♪ If someone needs you
♪ You love them so
♪ I won't... ♪
Boing!
♪ Betray his trust
♪ Though people say I must ♪
♪ I've got to stay true to... ♪
♪ As long as he needs me ♪
♪ The people are more every day ♪
Then he's like, "I'm straight, remember?"
Suddenly stricken with some sort of gay panic.
"I'm your straight husband."
- You can throw color swatches at me. - I know. Oh, I will.
I think my house is haunted.
Well, your house is really old.
Ever since I got back,
I just, I feel like there's...
I feel like there's someone else there,
and then last night,
I thought I heard something,
like, a woman singing.
- What? Like a ghost? - I guess. I don't know.
Then I saw something.
I actually ran into someone.
I mean, I saw...
Was it the singing ghost?
- It was a man. - Oh!
I think it was me.
What? Your house is haunted by yourself?
Dun-dun!
Yeah, well...
I don't... I mean, I'm like...
having a nervous breakdown or something.
I'm literally so focused on this show
that I feel like I'm living inside of the show.
I can't tell where it ends and I begin,
and I'm having conversations with people,
and I'm ten feet outside of my body and looking down.
There I am, having this conversation with somebody,
and I'm just observing it, you know.
Just, I don't feel good.
You're just stressed, right?
The network wants to replace you.
Oh, my God.
And I'm letting them,
because I really want this show on the air.
I have all these characters inside my head,
and they wanna live, and I'm the only way...
This is the only way that they can.
- I have five seasons mapped out. - Oh, five?
And, uh... well, it sucks.
Either you go away or the show goes,
and I had to make a decision,
and that's the decision that I made.
And I am so sorry.
I understand.
I mean, it's not your fault, right?
I mean, it couldn't be your fault.
You are morally incapable of doing the right thing.
- I don't... - Right? Don't do that.
Don't get me wrong.
I think you do feel bad for me.
That's all I think you feel for me.
Okay, I am still the fat girl
you call on Friday nights
when your date falls through.
"Hey, let's go see a movie!"
"Let's go to Fubar."
"Then when I pick up a hot piece of ass, I'll drop you,
and that's okay... don't worry about Melissa.
I mean, you can call her tomorrow and apologize, or not."
It doesn't really matter 'cause we're not actually friends, are we, Gavin?
- That's just not true. - Isn't it, really?
I prefer to not do this on camera, okay?
- Is this not a good idea? - Please lower your voice.
I'm not gonna lower my voice. Is that embarrassing?
You can't control this one.
Your little puppets are off their strings,
running around saying shit that you didn't write.
Well, this is reality, and it scares the shit out of you.
Reality scares me? Does it really?
I'm gonna tell you,
you wouldn't be here if it wasn't for me.
I gave you your first few roles
and your career as a result of that.
That's reality, Melissa.
Thank you for finally playing that fucking card,
the "I invented Melissa McCarthy" card.
I bought a house, Gavin!
I bought a house 'cause of what we talked about.
Fuck you, and don't ever fucking pity me again.
♪ Sugar town
♪ That's where I wanna be ♪
♪ Sugar town
♪ That's where I wanna be ♪
Cut, please.
Please.
Upfronts is the week each year
when the networks present
their fall schedule to the advertisers.
It's a very important event for us,
and the weeks preceding it are pretty stressful
because the schedule is a secret
right up until it's announced.
"Upfronts" is a complete oxymoron
because nobody's remotely honest, so it's...
It's really a show for the advertisers
to get them really jazzed up
about the new product for the fall.
"Here's our new shit. Like it?"
There's lots of upsides... you're in New York.
Any time you're in New York City is a good time.
So, have you heard from Susan?
No, I've not heard from Susan as of yet.
I left her four or five messages
telling her what went down with Melissa,
and that I let her go,
and that I met with Dahlia...
and I've not yet heard back from her.
I feel bad about what happened with Melissa,
but it's a two-way street and I'm a little angry, too.
We've been friends for years.
I think we'll be friends again.
We'll move on.
Ice cold water, ice cold water.
Only one dollar.
I was 12 when we got in this car.
I've not yet heard from Susan.
Got off the plane, checked messages, nothing.
I suppose that we have a...
I suppose we have a reciprocal relationship,
my show and your show.
That's the thing about reality television, isn't it...
the worse it gets for me, the better it is for you.
It certainly inspires a newfound sympathy
for my characters.
You know, I put them through hell.
I kill off their husbands or throw them off cliffs.
I'm a cruel god...
all in the name of a good story
or compelling television.
What's funny is that I'm a character in your show.
I'm disposable.
Kill off the hero.
No one will see it coming.
I dare you.
I think I'm just tired, you know?
I'm just tired.
It's just so surreal being here.
It's not at all how I imagined.
Oh.
Hey, you!
Hey, hi!
God, Gavin.
Get in here, get in here!
You're doing your show.
And so are you.
Welcome to reality television.
Did you just get in?
Just now.
This whole last 24 hours have been surreal.
Oh, right... I just said that. Surreal.
- You're good? - Yeah, great.
I wanted to call you, and...
Oh, yeah? No, call anytime.
Seriously, I don't sleep, so...
I just felt really weird about what happened.
It's just too bad.
What happened?
So I just bumped into Dahlia Salem,
star of my show.
Okay, no, she tells me
that Gatins' show got picked up,
so, no, she won't be starring in my show,
which makes me wonder if my show even exists.
No, no, I left word for Roger,
and I left word for Susan, too.
It's like they dropped off the face of the Earth.
Just call me when you know something.
At this moment, I can't be certain
whether Knowing will end up on the schedule at all.
As far as Gavin's concerned, the show is on the air.
You don't normally fly to New York
and find out at the last fucking second
that your show's been pulled off the air. Excuse me.
So what is the situation right now?
I don't know. Right now, the entire schedule is in flux,
and I get these missives
from Roger and the "higher powers,"
but you're not really sure what they add up to.
What's up?
They flew you out here anyway, huh?
- I'll see you in... - No, I mean...
It would've been great if you'd extended
the common courtesy of a call.
This is the television business.
It's like high school.
I don't know what to tell you, man.
- I'm sorry. - Sorry?
But I'm kind of not. I want my show on the air,
just like you want your show on the air.
It was shitty of you to go behind my back after Dahlia, okay?
That was shitty.
And you fired Melissa McCarthy without...
you didn't even have a backup.
Why would they pick up your show without a star?
- The network wanted Dahlia. - They wanted Dahlia in my show.
We tested before your show. We tested through the roof.
You should see the numbers. I'll show them to you.
- Really? - Yeah. Who's your exec?
Susan Howard.
She was there.
Ask her.
She would know.
Hey, I'm at the UTA party.
Did you hear about Ricky's assistant?
She literally shat herself.
- No, I saw it! - Hey!
I'll break your fucking finger!
I'll call you back.
All right, let me explain why I didn't call you back.
Roger wanted to talk to you personally.
Bullshit. Bullshit.
We're only picking up two dramas.
- The rest is what, reality? - You can go mid-season.
You can go to hell, okay?
All right.
I've been the only one here trying to protect you...
Oh, God, don't start! Protecting me from what?
From you? You're psychotic. All I wanna know is why.
- You want a motive? - I do.
This isn't Crim9 Lab. Nobody got murdered.
My show did. Tell me why.
I had to get you away from her.
She was holding you back.
- You had to give her up. - Melissa.
G, if she really mattered so much,
you couldn't have betrayed her so easily.
Do you manipulate everybody or am I special?
Are you the victim here?
The big creator can't stand up to one little d-girl?
- It was your choice. - Give me a break.
I didn't have a choice.
It was either Dahlia or no show.
That was the only thing... oh, fuck you!
Fuck you!
Your dialogue used to be a lot sharper.
Maybe Gatins could give it a polish.
Is that all there is?
You feel like a man?
Because I'll tell you a little secret.
You're not.
♪ I'm here in silence ♪
♪ Walking these trails alone ♪
♪ Waiting for a sparkle from my mind ♪
♪ Tears coming home
♪ Two other lovers...
Hey, look, my...
I don't wanna do this anymore.
My show is not gonna happen,
so this show's over, done, gone,
good-bye, thank you very much.
I'm not gonna be your fuckin' puppet!
- Are you all right? - I'm fine.
Who you talkin' to?
Oh, God.
I can understand why you're a little confused.
No, no.
I'm a lot confused.
Theories?
This is all a dream?
No.
I'm in a coma?
No.
Then I'm dead?
This is hell
or a purgatorium or something?
Okay, purgatorium
is where Romans vomited,
but no, this is as real
as anything can be.
What does that mean?
Everything is what it is,
but you're not who you think you are.
Okay. Then who am I?
You are...
a multi-dimensional being
of vast, almost infinite power.
You, this body you're in,
it's just one of your incarnations,
avatars, call you what you will.
Are you saying I'm God?
Technically, no.
If God is a ten,
a theoretical ultimate,
you're more of a nine.
What are you?
Humans are sevens.
Monkeys are sixes.
What are the eights?
Koalas.
They're telepathic,
plus they control the weather.
But, uh, the important thing is you.
You created this world on a whim
and decided to stick around
to see how it turned out.
You can destroy the world with a single thought.
Don't, incidentally.
Just file that away.
But... the truth is,
you hold all the cards.
When people pray,
they don't want this thing
or that thing.
They just...
They don't want to be forgotten.
So... you understand?
I mean, I would've told you earlier,
but I didn't...
Yeah.
Okay?
I understand.
But I don't believe you.
Noelle, don't get too far ahead.
No! You had ice cream at lunch.
Evidently, frozen yogurt doesn't count.
I'll make note.
Oh! That's blazing speed right there!
Did you hit it?
Shouldn't have to.
Honey, I think we left the overhead light on.
Battery's dead. At least the starter is.
- How do we, uh...? - We call the service.
There's not much else we can do.
Just the little battery, right? The big one's probably fine.
I guess.
We can't jump it from one battery to another?
You cross over somehow?
Who do you think you married, MacGyver?
Come on. Hold on.
- Are you getting a signal? - No.
You?
Yes. One bar.
Yeah? Here, hold that.
Don't worry.
Daddy's calling people to help us.
Minute you place a call, the bar goes away.
Keep trying.
I'll keep trying, Mary,
but it's gonna keep happening.
What do you wanna do?
I don't know.
Maybe if you hold it up higher.
Okay, look, the problem is that we're boxed in.
It's a canyon.
Where we came off the main road,
it was more open and higher, too.
- That's at least a mile. - I can run that.
So, what, we stay here?
You okay with that?
I don't think we have much of a choice, so...
- Yeah. Go. - Okay.
Daddy's gonna get a truck to help us out.
Take care of Mommy, okay? All right.
Be right back.
Excuse me.
Hey, hi. Do you have a cell phone?
Oh, no, I don't.
There's no service up here.
Yeah, I'm finding that out.
You can usually get a signal down
at the ranger's station.
- Okay. - Yeah.
You just follow the road down.
It's probably... I don't know. You got a car?
No, it's dead. That's why I need a...
Are you headed back to your car now?
If you could give me a ride to a gas station, wherever?
Oh, uh...
Look, I'm not some crazy Ted Bundy guy.
I'm not gonna rape or kill you or anything.
Which is, of course, what a Ted Bundy would say.
Look, I'm a videogame designer.
My wife is an editor, my daughter's eight.
Look, I just... they're waiting back at the car.
Just a little help before it gets dark.
I'll call somebody when I get back to town.
I believe you, I do, it's just you don't know
where the car is, and the guy might not come.
- We can't be up here all night, so... - Sorry.
Don't be sorry, just help me out.
No. I can't.
Why won't you trust me?
Okay, but you have to be careful.
Understand? You have to use big girl hands.
You want to see where we were today?
Okay, hit play. This button.
Oh...
There's you and there's Daddy.
Oh, a little movie star, huh?
He'll be back soon. Don't you worry.
Hey.
Are you following me?
Once I was sure you weren't following me.
I'm sorry, it's just...
- You thought I was Ted Bundy. - Kind of.
Yeah.
My name's Gabriel... Bundy.
Sierra.
It's weird that there's no cars at all.
Yeah, I'll say.
Anyway, my car is parked over there.
It's not that far,
and if you want, I could give you a ride to town.
That'd be great. Thank you.
- Make up some karma. - Please, lead the way.
Just a sec.
Okay, confession.
- I kind of recognized you. - Really.
I wasn't sure, but I think I saw a picture of you
in my boyfriend's videogame magazine.
Right? You're, like, the shit.
No, no.
You're like the Quentin Tarantino
of their world, videogame god.
Not really, no.
Fine.
You seriously recognized me off one photo?
I thought you were kind of hot, considering.
Considering...?
Within the subset of videogame people.
Ah, okay.
I wasn't masturbating to your picture or anything.
I guess I'm flattered.
You should be.
I'm stingy with compliments.
Your boyfriend plays videogames?
Ex-boyfriend. And yes, way too many.
He used to play Evercrack
- back in the day... - Oh, no.
but your game was, like, well,
I don't know, what's worse than crack?
Supercrack?
He was spending 40 hours a week
collecting Thunderleaf or whatever,
and I was his mule, hauling it around,
'cause he ran out of space.
You had an account?
Part of your world, and you didn't know it.
I'm sorry.
You can make it up to me.
Shit.
Come on, come on, come on, come on.
And I am so sorry.
I understand. It's not your fault, right?
It couldn't be your fault.
You're morally incapable
of doing the right thing.
- I don't... - Right?
So, you play a lot of characters at once?
A couple. Most people do.
But you're not most people.
You created the world.
You know all the secret codes.
- What, like god mode? - Is that what you call it?
It's when you have all the powers
and you can't be killed.
It's actually boring to play, though.
A game isn't fun unless there are rules.
And you make the rules.
Yeah, I do.
Thanks.
Do you think that I'm pretty?
What?
Do you think I'm hot...
on a purely physical level?
Sure.
That's a rave.
Well, I don't know why you're asking.
My ex-boyfriend the orc used to say,
"The thing that I like about you
is you're not so hot I'm afraid I'm gonna lose you."
So where's the orc now?
He's dead.
I spiked his water bottle
with a massive quantity of GHB.
He hallucinated,
went into convulsions, and died.
Remind me not to piss you off, Sarah.
Sierra!
Sorry.
What makes you think
you haven't pissed me off already?
How you doin', kiddo?
I was thinking we could all go
to El Cholo for dinner tonight.
How do you feel about some blue corn enchiladas?
Should we ask Daddy when he gets back?
He's not coming back.
How could you?
How could you?!
How could you.
How could you...?
- How could you? - Cut. Perfect.
I feel so dirty.
That's how I like it.
Wait.
Something's wrong.
I feel...
Ugh.
Mm, uh, wait.
I have a wife and a daughter.
They're waiting for me.
- Where are they? - Back at the car.
Which direction?
Whoa.
Face it, G, you don't know where they are.
You don't know where you are.
We've been walking in circles for an hour.
- Where is your car? - There is no car.
It was all a pretense,
an excuse to get you on your own.
Whoa, whoa, whoa...
You getting dizzy?
It's just the GHB in the water.
What's happening?
I'm sorry that it had to come to this, G.
I promise it's gonna be over soon.
You're trying to kill me?
No, this is not a murder. It's an intervention.
Do you feel like a man? You're not.
I had to get you away from her. She was holding you back.
- You had to give her up. - Melissa.
- Allee... allee... all come free! - There's something wrong...
I can get you out of here,
but you have to trust me.
Do you feel like a man?
'Cause I'll tell you a little secret.
You're not.
Why are you doing this?
You did this to yourself.
And admitting that is the first step.
You're a crackhead, G.
Thing is, this planet and these people,
they're your drug of choice.
It wasn't that hard to make a universe.
At first you just checked in every once in a while...
see how the Neanderthals were doing,
move a couple of continents around.
But then you got more into it.
You started playing a couple of characters of your own.
Slaves, kings, messiahs.
Pretty soon you were playing 24/7.
How long have I been...
You've been gone for 4,000 years,
not that time means the same for us.
You came looking for me?
That's what a girl does.
Why now?
Because you forgot who you were.
You forgot this wasn't real.
We couldn't just storm in on a fiery chariot.
It was your universe. We had to play by your rules.
We had to show you how limited and corrupt
your little world was.
Don't get me wrong.
It's... it's a nice place.
It's cozy...
but do you remember where you came from?
Do you remember where you came from?
It was warm.
And white, like a...
You can't describe it with human words.
You can't think it with human thoughts.
We need you to come back.
With us.
Come back with me.
You can destroy the world with a single thought.
Don't, incidentally. Just file that away.
The truth is you hold all the cards.
When people pray,
they don't want this thing or that thing.
They just... they don't want to be forgotten.
You understand?
Noelle?
I would have told you earlier, but...
Noelle?!
Noelle!
Maybe if I just cut back, didn't get so involved.
We both know that'll never work.
Next week you'll be back here
redesigning the pinecones.
You have to quit, cold turkey.
I can't.
You can, but I can't force you to leave.
You have to want it.
Noelle!
Come on! Answer Mama!
Answer me!
Noelle!
- Noelle! - She's here.
I didn't forget about you guys.
Everything okay?
Yeah, everything's fine. Absolutely.
Let's go home.
♪ I won't run far ♪
♪ I can always be found
♪ If you need me
Good night, Jellybean.
♪ I can always be found
♪ If you want me to stay ♪
♪ I will stay by your side ♪
♪ I won't run far ♪
♪ I can always be found
You need to go, don't you?
No.
I can stay.
How long, forever?
Every day you'd be here,
you'd know what you were missing.
What happens if you go?
Worst case scenario?
Disintegration of everything
into a fiery void, oblivio accebit.
The end of everything.
That's all?
Probably wouldn't happen.
I guess I'm more worried about the human factor.
You guys kill each other a lot.
In fairness, it's usually in your name.
Plus, we've gotten much more efficient at it.
I like this world.
I like my life here with you and Noelle.
It's not real.
I'm not really your wife.
You're not really my husband.
On some level, it's all pretend.
How many versions were there?
Ninety. This is the last one.
Wow.
I've destroyed
billions of people with a thought...
...and you'd like to think
that it's painless.
Stop.
You don't have to explain or apologize.
Everything that is is because of you.
And if that's all there is, that's enough.
So.
Guess you don't really need to pack anything.
I'm good.
You're great.
It has been a pleasure.
Likewise.
I love you.
I love you, too, you big lug.
You're my favorite.
...should we measure it first?
Got flour, we have flour.
All right, so I need oil.
We need nutmeg.
Oh, honey, do we have nutmeg?
We should.
Good. Good, good, good, good, good.
- Nutmeg. - Oh, cinnamon, too.
If I had a horse, I would name her Cinnamon.
- And if I had another horse... - Nutmeg?
No, Flash.
What? Why Flash?
I mean, I would name her Flash
because she'd be the fastest horse in the world.
I mean in the whole world.
- In the whole world? - Ever whole.
The ever whole world? That's pretty good.
That's pretty fast.
Yes, and I would be a princess.
Sweetie?
This might sound really strange,
but what's my name?
Um.
Mommy.
Right. Exactly.
He's not coming back.
But it's gonna be okay.
He put all the pieces together.
- It's like... - The best of all possible worlds.
Honey, is it supposed to stick like this?
- Better help him. - Let's go.
- Do you see what I'm talking about? - Oh, my gosh.
consistency. Is it maybe a little... it's too thick.
We can safely say that's too thick?
Will you get some milk?
- Get milk? - See, it says milk on the recipe.
Ready?
Oh, my. Oh, no! All right.
Oh, don't mess it up. Don't mess it up.
Thank you.
Shouldn't we be using a machine?
- Isn't there a machine we can... - I'm the machine!
You're our machine? Ooh!
- All right. - Come on, machine.
Okay, hold on. Let's...
♪ The earth is warm
♪ Next to my ear
♪ Insect noise
♪ Is all that I hear
♪ A magic trick
♪ Makes the world disappear
♪ The skies are dark
♪ They're dark but they're clear ♪
♪ A distant motorcade
♪ And suddenly there's joy ♪
♪ The snow and tickertape
♪ Blurs all my sense numb
♪ It's like the finish line ♪
♪ Where everything just ends ♪
♪ The crack of radios
♪ Seems close enough to touch ♪