These were the scenes everyone feared.
Running battles between English and Turkish fans...
...some here have been seriously injured.
...it's very violent indeed.
Earlier, there was mayhem on the main square...
Getting beaten up by football hooligans is like having VD: the fuckin' pain goes on forever.
But that's what makes it so exciting.
So this is me, Tommy Johnson three weeks from now, nearly dead.
And do you know what the funniest thing is? I could see it coming.
Anyway, it's almost over now and all that matters is this: was it worth it?
There's nothing different about me.
I'm just ahother bored male approaching 30, in a dead-end job who lives for the weekend.
Casual sex, watered-down lager, heavily cut drugs.
And occasionally kicking fuck out of someone.
Zeberdee, it's Bill.
What? How am I? What do you mean, "how am I"?
I'm fuckin' buzzin'! We've gone right through the slit.
Keep your fuckin' nut down.
He's a right fuckin' stringer, this kid.
- What's he say? - Nothing.
- What do you mean, "nothing"? - He fuckin' hung up.
Raff, call Tommy. Find out where he is.
There's a pub on the corner called the Ship and Billet. Head for that.
I'll have to bell you back, Harris is trying to get through.
Just spotted their little firm going to a pub in Denbigh Street.
They won't know what's fuckin' hit 'em.
There you are.
Here, come here!
- Sweet, Bill? - Yeah.
- Where's the others? - On their way.
- Harris said there's about 25 of the others. - There won't be when we've finished with 'em.
Wait round the corner!
What for?
Cos it's all going to be on top, us all standin' here, you si.
- Jog on. - Jog on!
Bill, it's Harris.
Hello, son. Yeah?
All right. See you there.
What happened to you last night? Thought you was coming out for a drink?
Johnson had me on some nutty skunk.
Ended up down the petrol garage at two o'clock in the morning.
What you driving for? You're on a ban, you lunatic.
Ban? What am I gonna do, walk?
Here he is.
Right, there's someone outside the pub.
- How old is he? - He's only a kid.
Go on, crack him. Keep the noise down.
- Excuse me, mate, you got a light? - Don't fuck about, ping him.
Let's go!
It's going good anyway. Let's settle it.
- Come on, let's... - Keep it down, keep it down.
- Keep it down. - Fuckin' hell, come on, boys.
Keep it down, keep it down.
- Come on. Fuckin' hell. - Keep it down.
Don't fuck this up.
Fuckin' clowns won't stop us.
You're fuckin' animals!
You give this fuckin' country a bad fuckin' name!
You ain't no football supporters! You're fuckin' muggy little cunts!
What else are you gonna do on a Saturday?
Sit in your fuckin' armchair wankin' off to Pop Idols?
Then try and avoid your wife's gaze
as you struggle to come to terms with your sexless marriage?
Then go and spunk your wages on kebabs fruit machines and brasses?
Fuck that for a laugh!
I know what I'd rather do.
Tottenham away. Love it!
How fuckin' perfect was that?
Soppy bollocks here even managed to get the canister inside the fuckin' pub this time.
Do you remember that time at Upton...
That time at Upton Park, he let it off on the tube!
Mind you, premature ejaculation, that's right up your fuckin' street!
Anyway, he's virtually throwing 'em out of the fuckin' pub at me, right?
He's throwing 'em out of the fuckin' pub at me. Crunch! Crunch!
I hit this geezer so fuckin' hard, his legs went like a fuckin' baby giraffe.
State of that. I done me knuckles.
So hit people in the mouth, not the back of the fuckin' head.
Just as well I did or you'd be in hospital, you cunt.
No-one loved Chelsea more than me and Rod.
We grew up on football terraces together with my old man. He knew the score.
The first bit of advice he give me was:
You know what to do if someone tries to clump you?
Kick him in the fuckin' bollocks.
Me and Rod did everything together.
Hurry up, Tom, I'm starving.
It took me an hour just to find it. Still Rod didn't need to know that.
She ain't walkin' for a week.
My grandad old Bill Farrell, drove us to drink
with his stories about the war and how he fought to put the Great into Britain.
He said fighting at football was nothing compared to the Germans.
"We'll fight them on the beaches, we'll fight them on the..."
Although he went on, he was right. We're an island race. It's what we do best.
It's not about colour or race, it's just the buzz of being in the front line.
Truth is, I just love to fight.
There's nothing wrong with me...
unlike Billy Bright, whose dad had a funny way of setting a good example for his son.
Right, that's it. I'll fight every one of you
before you move on next door to us. Come on, son!
With parents like that, he was never gonna end up in Greenpeace.
Still he was one of the first football thugs
to see there was a fortune to be made from England's love for ecstasy.
Oi, three bottles of Bud, please, mate.
Problem was he'd taken so many beatings on the terraces that he weren't scared of anyone.
And the correct medical term for that is a "total fuckin' psycho".
Bill, let's get out of here. There's about ten Stoke fans staring at us.
- How many of 'em did you say there was? - About ten. Please don't start, Bill.
- Right, which one of them's staring at me. - The big geezer with the Hackett cap on.
See you, you cunt. I'll cut you first.
And that was his idea of a good day out.
You fuckin' mugs!
But underneath the fun and games and Range Rovers, Blliy was bitter,
cos he hever got to run our firm.
Harris was top boy and that was that.
He was smarter than Billy and ran things like an army unit.
Deep down Billy knew he'd never be leader and because of that he hated Zeberdee.
Why? Simple...
Zeberdee looked up to Harris and not him.
And the more Zeberdee looked up to Harris, the more Billy bullied him.
And what chance did Zeberdee have as a kid,
brought up in a concrete jungle on glue and hate?
I don't envy the young 'uns any more. It's a nightmare.
Warfare from the playground upwards and you know what you have to do to survive in combat.
Aargh!
Just like me and Rod, him and Raff are best mates,
only difference being they're thieving little cunts.
In case you're wondering, we call him Zeberdee cos he loves sniffin' powder.
And one dayn it'll be his downfall.
Hold your hand out, Raff.
- What? - Hold your hand out.
You're just a fuckin' kid, ain't you?
Hold your hand out, Bill.
Do what?
Hold it out like Raff and we'll see how old you are.
Oooh.
No, let's have it right.
You trying to mug me off?
Oh, shut up. I'm only fuckin' about an' that.
- What d'you mean, "fuckin' about"? - What?
What d'you mean, "what"?
You know, just...
Well, don't fuckin' just.
Leave it out. You trying to wind me up?
Ain't trying to wind anyone up.
I'm fuckin' serious.
What I want to know is, what makes you think you can come in here
and mug me off in front of my pals?
I... I didn't mean nothing by it, Bill.
It was only a bubble, that's all.
Just a bubble?
What you talking to me in that fuckin' muggy rhyming slang for?
I never fuckin' liked you, you little cunt.
You're a wrong 'un, just like your old man.
He was a degenerate fuckin' drunk.
Do you know what I'm thinking?
I'm thinking I should take you outside and open you up.
- Leave it out, Bill. - Leave what fuckin' out?
What, d'you wanna get involved an' all, do you?
Don't be stupid. I'm just saying, he's only a kid.
No, let's have it right, Tom.
If he's old enough to run round givin' it large, fuckin' bashing people up with us,
he's old enough to talk for himself.
I'll tell you something, Zeberfuckindee,
I think I should take you outside and teach you a lesson
for mugging me off and making me look a cunt in front of my fuckin' pals.
I...
I didn't say nothing.
Come on, outside, you little fuckin' stumblebum.
Leave it out, eh?
Stop mutterin' and stutterin' and fuckin' liven yourself up.
I fuckin' had you there!
Fuckin' hell, Zeb, you should have seen your fuckin' face.
I thought you was gonna burst into tears.
What is it, four, five... eight lagers, Donna, please, babe.
There'll be none of this in Australia.
As of next week, strictly the amber nectar.
Not to worry, William. I think I'm more of a cocktail man anyway.
Well, I won't be sitting next to you.
Well, that was the idea.
Bill, Albert, I didn't see you there. Wanna pint?
My grandad didn't like Bright.
Knew he was a bully.
Bill and Albert were just kids when they did their National Service.
They were one of the first off the landing crafts on June 6th.
Bill aways told me the only thing that kept him going was Albert's determination and will to live.
They came home proud war heroes
and married their childhood sweethearts.
And buried 'em together as well.
The council moved Albert to the flat above Bill and they swapped door keys,
always vowing to keep an eye on each other.
Very funny. Very, very funny!
- Are you all right? - Yeah, yeah.
Now a little one. Now a little one. That's it, now let me get the door.
Let me get the door. I'll be right in there.
Comfy? Do you want any help with that?
Bet you've seen some changes, eh, you two? Yeah.
Bit different nowadays, though, innit, eh? Gone.
It's the Pakis coming over in the '70s, see. Taking over everything. Spoilt it.
And what you got now, eh? What you got now?
Fuckin' asylum seekers.
Bloody Tony fuckin' Blair. He's gotta be a poof, ain't he? New Labour?
I mean, and this game's gone.
There was a time I used to be able to clear seven and a half, eight hundred shots a week.
Not any more. Nah.
Now what you got is your fuckin' spades up in Soho moonlighting!
Moonlighting!
Fuck's sake, that's a joke! You need a full moon just to see 'em!
This country was built on good people like yourselves.
Not enough of you about, that's what I say.
Here, let me give you a hand with that.
Swing your old arse round in there, look. That's it, lovely.
And I just want to say, it's been a privilege to drive two gentlemen like you.
And the fare's on me.
Don't be silly. You're letting the wheelchair fool you.
No, I insist.
It's been an honour.
Don't forget, you watch out for them darkies, eh?
What a wanker.
Let's go dancing.
Although he talked a lot of bollocks, in some ways the cabbie was right.
Bill was what put the Great into Britain. He was an old war hero.
But he'd moved on. It was Australia for him and Albert now.
Somewhere they could live out the rest of their days in the sun.
Hello, Mavis, my little darling.
How are you?
I shall be sad to see you both gone, Bill. Are you packed up yet?
Course we have. Ain't you gonna say goodbye?
Can't you do better than that?
What are you talking about, Bill?
Don't you know?
You fucking disgusting old man!
That's what I loved about Bill.
He was still game.
He'd dreamed about. Living abroad for years and how his time had come.
I even give him and Albert a little treat for going away.
My grandson gave me a going-away present.
A joint of his very best home-grown.
You mean drugs?
Yeah, well, you light up old, son. I'll make do with this.
It's amazing to think in a couple of weeks
we'll be watching the sun go down on the other side of the world.
And it won't be surrounded by tower blocks.
Miles of golden sand and bronze tits.
You packed yet?
Haven't given it a thought.
My case has been packed and sitting inside the front door for three days.
You want to get your skates on, Farrell.
Oh, stop nagging, you old woman.
- You know what Bert? - What's that?
I'm feeling dizzy.
You always were, you dozy bastard!
The next best thing to violence is sex,
and seeing as there's nearly 500,000 single women in London,
I must be in with half a chance.
Especially as I'd fuck anything that's breathing.
I tell you, I'm fuckin' mullered, me. I am fuckin' mullered.
Look at the fuckin' boat on it. Imagine that round your fuckin' helmet.
No, no, no, Tom. Proper fuckin' slosh pots.
Shut up, you... What's the matter with you?
All right, sweetheart? You all right, girl, yeah?
- All right? - Do you want a drink?
A few tequilas?
A couple of little cheeky tequilas, yeah?
Shall we get on it?
- A little cheeky tequila...? - Tequilas.
Get these two birds here a couple of tequilas.
I'm gonna smash the fuckin' granny out of that.
London's changed for the worse.
All the good people, right, all the good people...
are being forced into the suburbs, due to the influx of illegal immigrants
forcing their way into this country.
- I mean... - Hey, mate.
Mate, will you shut your fuckin' noise?
Here you are, sloppy bollocks. You fuckin' cunt.
Get up there, girl. Get up there.
I cannot wait to fuckin' see your fanny.
I'm gonna fuckin' ruin you... - Let's have a butcher's here. Rod, look.
- Smash you in the... - Look at that.
Beautiful, beautiful.
He's only fallen asleep, Tameka.
Same here, Shian. Little fuckers.
Shame. He's hung like a pike in here.
Good for you. I've got a stickleback in here.
You fuckin' little mug!
How dare you come into my fuckin' gaff,
and try and get hold of my little sister against her will?
You're in bandit country now, boy,
no-one will even know you were fuckin' here.
There's holes dug all over South London for people like you.
Jesus. I was expecting cornflakes and a quick wank.
But instead, I get some nutter in a Stone Island jumper and a blade in my face.
And worst of all, that was where all the trouble started.
Oi, silly bollocks. What are these?
What?
- What are they? - Flowers.
- What sort of flowers, dinlow? - Lilies.
Then what are they doing with the chrysanths?
All right. Sorry.
- What? - Er... there's someone here to see you, Bill.
Who?
...the back door. Left her watching Blind Date.
Marched on up to The Venus and bumped into Sonny.
He's given me a couple of Es.
I've had them with a bit more thingy,
and wound up copping for two slosh pots out of Chigwell.
Smashed the granny out of the pair of 'em in the Tower Hotel till eleven, Sunday morning.
Yeah, I was back home in time for a Sunday roast, but I was completely fuckin' anninilated.
Look, I've got to go, mate. My man's here. Ta-da.
Good to see you, son.
- How are you? All right? - Not bad.
Heard you Chelsea boys had a little turnout at Tottenham at the weekend.
You ain't wrong. Heard you Millwall boys had a little turnout down in Pompey.
We did. We should have had a meet. Would have been fun.
You know where to find us. Any time you like.
Your time'll come. What have you got for me?
One thing I never understood about Bright was,
although he was in the Chelsea firm, he did business with the head of their rivals.
Millwall.
Get that. Two men that work together,
then kick fuck out of each other if ever they get the chance.
It's bang on. What you got round you?
Four K.
- Go on, then. I'll take the lot. - Cash.
Hang on.
Slow down.
What? You're fuckin' joking!
All right. I'll go straight up the hospital.
Yeah ' see you there.
- Problem, Fred? - It's my brother, Terry.
Someone's just done him round the canister with a cricket bat.
You're fuckin' joking? Is he all right?
They don't know yet.
Look, I gotta go.
- I'll keep this lot on ice for you. - I'll call you later.
Oi! What are you fuckin' doing? You're three hours late.
Don't start, mate. I've had a bit of ag.
What you got a sheet on for?
You don't wanna know.
You're right, I don't. Get in and sort them dinlows out.
They're putting lilies in with the chrysanths.
You got anything on under there?
What am I fuckin'paying for? Just get on with it
- What do you reckon, fat boy? - You look like a vicar, mate.
Are you fuckin' mad? This is Prada, you cunt.
It's iron's gear.
Get your fuckin' skates on. We gotta get there for the draw.
Horrible cunt.
What about the draw? How are we gonna find a telly to watch it?
Oh, there'll be tellies where we're going.
Oi, Zeb, try and make sure we've got a decent house to rob this time, will you?
I don't want to watch some piece of shit.
Slow down, will you, Davis, eh? What's the matter with you? Are you a fuckin' Hoover?
Whether we were thieving, fucking or fighting tonight,
we'd a be glued to a TV set to see who Chelsea drew in the Cup.
See, the beauty of the Cup draw is, it's a lucky dip,
a chance to meet one of the old rivals, like Cardiff or West Ham,
or if you're really lucky, Millwall.
And cos the draw meant so much to Billy,
he decided to take his long-suffering wife Barbara out for a quiet, romantic meal.
However, they got their wires crossed,
cos Barbara thought he was taking her up the West End for some tapas.
Let's see what's on the menu.
Oi, it's my sister!
Oh, what, your girfriend?
Oi.
Either turn that TV up, or tell that lot down there to hold their noise down.
Calm down, Bill.
We don't want to cause a scene.
No. No, you're right.
- The old rubber glove! - The old rubber glove, mate.
Oi!
Oi. Will you shut up? I'm trying to watch the fuckin' telly!
...against 52.
Southend United.
57.
Portsmouth.
Will pay number 38.
Middlesbrough.
Number 22.
Millwall.
Will pay 44.
Chelsea.
Yes! Fuckin' yes!
Another battle then.
Eh? Can't fuckin' hear you.
Who is it, for fuck's sake?
Eh?
Yes!
- Who, who, who? - It's fuckin' Millwall!
Millwall-Chelsea. Old enemies that always ends up in murders.
Literally in my case,
cos like a mug I thought I'd get lucky in the same bar again.
And I see my new mate again who, of course, turns out to be Millwall.
Maybe I should ask him if I fucked his sister, seeing as I can't remember.
If I'd listened to my instincts and laid low, none of this mess would have happened but I didn't,
and I only had myself to blame.
And occasionally, and I do mean occasionally, it would be nice to have Bright out with us.
It's typicla that tonight he's taken his wife out for a quiet one.
See? He does have a gentle side.
Aaaarghh!
Zeb and Raff missed the draw cos they were doing what they do best -
robbing houses, something they'd later come to regret.
Me, I'm beginning to get the feeling old Magic Johnson's lost his touch.
Drive, mate! Fuckin' drive. I'm being chased!
Lost his touch?
Bollocks.
Hard to have a nice night out in London, eh?
I blame all the blacks and fun pubs, myself.
Shut up mate. You're boring.
Welcome back to BBC London Sport with me, Danny Kelly.
Now, anyone who's listened to the Breakfast Show will have heard Danny Baker going on
about his great excitement about the prospects of Millwall and Chelsea here in London.
Our reporter, as always, is Pete Stevens.
That's right, Danny. I'm sure there's going to be a vast police presence
to keep the we-known hooligan elements apart from these two teams.
I only hope I'm not given the job of reporting live from South London.
I'd much rather be watching the game from the comfort of my front room.
Well, come on, Albert, you old bastard! We'll miss our flight.
All right, Bill? You look pissed off.
No, I'm not fuckin' all right. Some cunt burgled my house last night.
Hold that.
Suddenly, going to Millwall weren't so appealing,
now I knew my enemies were part of their firm
It's the one fuckin' place on earth I didn't want to be caught out<./i>
Anyway, Liverpool away, and a chance to have a good sleep on the coach.
Good, this.
- What did they nick, Bill? - TV, DVD...
Even took the fuckin' kids' PlayStation and my mobile.
- Your mobile? - Yeah.
You know what to do? Ring your number and see if they've still got it.
That'll freak 'em out. Tell them you know where they live and that.
Good call, Rods. I've got that Ride Of The Valkyries ring tone.
You know, the war cry. That'll fuckin' freak 'em out.
Hello?
You are fuckin' dead meat.
I didn't know it was your house. I didn't know it was your house!
Look, I've got all the gear. I've got the PlayStation.
I'll shall fuckin' open you up!
Fuck.
Where are you from, mate?
Just around.
Are you fookin' Chelsea?
Yeah.
You flash cockney bastards. Do you know Stanley?
Run!
Go on, run, you pair of rats.
Drive on again mate. Drive on.
Hey! Stop the fuckin' bus, you cunt!
Fuckin' come on!
Where the fuck are you running now?
Cunts! Fuckin' cunts!
Go on. Fuck off!
Come here. You didn't fuckin' shine there, did you, son?
What?
I've got to go to work on him now, stop him opening you up.
You silly bollocks.
What was all that about?
But we did 'em, didn't we, H?
Billy had a real punishmeht lined up for Zeberdee.
He weren't the forgiving type, but as long as Harris was around, he couldn't touch him.
And Harris and Billy certainy didn't need another reason to fall out.
Right. No thieving. No bringing attention to yourselves.
Just keep your nuts down.
I want you to be outside and back on the road in five minutes.
Oh, yeah, and whatever you do, no fighting.
Bit rich, coming from him, innit?
Zeb, what did Billy say to you?
He said we've got to get his gear back to him by tomorrow.
And we've got to apologise to his wife and kids.
You've had a result there. You're lucky. He could have battered you.
Blinding result, eh?
This complete nutter will never talk to us again, and everyone think s we're thieving little cunts.
You are thieving little cunts. But you know what you've got to do, don't you?
Prove yourself at Millwall. That'll sort it out.
Yeah, do the business down there, and you'll be an hero in his eyes.
Will you stop moaning about beer? All you do is complain about beer.
I'll be opening bottles with my fuckin' teeth all the way up there, Bill.
Could have done with a couple of cans.
Shouldn't have had that chicken burger.
Stone me, it's them Stoke fans that done us.
- Where? - Over there. Look. It's them.
- It is them. - It is an' all.
On the Rory, on the Rory, on the Rory.
Listen. We'll get the beers safe. Then we'll outflank 'em, yeah?
I ain't saying a word.
What the fuck are you doing?
There's two of them Stoke fans that done us.
Drop 'em now. We'll be late for the meet.
Fuck 'em. They kicked the shit out of us.
No. The gavvers are over there.
I'll give you fuckin' "no"!
Northern cunt!
Fuckin' idiots.
Slow down, you two, for fuck's sake!
What, was you fuckin' bullied at school, was you?
Have fun, boys.
Who are you fuckin' looking at?
Billy's extensive vocabulary would never get him into Parliament.
And this lot could be West Ham, Cardiff, Arsenal, Stoken even Man United.
Don't matter to me. The odds don't look very good.
Know what? I think I'll call it a night. Tom?
Yeah, let's go and have a beer.
Yeah, good idea. We'll jog on. What about you, Tom?
All right, boys. I'll see you in a bit. Order us some Miller.
- Light? - Er... regular.
- No problem. - See you later.
You all right down there, mister?
What happened to you?
I've had the shit kicked out of me. What about you?
Me? I'm dead.
Bill! Rod!
Help! Where are you?
Bill! Help!
Fuckin' hell.
Liven yourself up. We're in court in half an hour.
Court? What?
Fuck... What about my dream?
What the fuck was that dream a about? Who was the pikey kid with the bandaged face?
Where was that tunnel? What did i all mean?
Fuck it. Must be that nutty skunk again.
What's wrong with you, Bright? You're 40 years old,
and still you offend persistently.
I see children with more common sense.
What did you say?
Don't you dare answer me with that insolent tongue of yours, you fat fucking slob!
The Establishment call us chidren while they're at King's Cross having sex with 'em.
I should tell this old queer to join us down at Millwall.
He might enjoy swapping that silly wig for having a row.
Yes, sir. I'm very sorry, sir. It won't happen again, sir. You can be sure of that.
I do hope that's the case, Mr Bright. I'm passing this over for reports.
I'll see you in a month for sentence.
- And Bright - Yes, sir?
If you appear before me again before that date,
I won't hesitate to give you a custodial sentence of a least five years...
Why is it, while I'm having hightmares about dead kids,
Rod's slipping into the court clerk? What's he got I'm missing?
Shame. He's hung like a pike in here.
And it's tricky cos he's been known to get serious.
How are the tulips selling? They flew out at the market.
What's happening, Tom?
Here. I got nicked with Bright the other day, kicking off with the OB. You'd have loved it.
Nice one, Tom. Sounds really clever. It's not my scene any more.
Yeah, well, I'm just saying.
Well, go and say it somewhere else, and don't come down my stall giving it the big 'un.
All right. Slow down, Ad.
Slow down? I'll tell you about fuckin' "slow down".
What's the matter with you, clumping people? Ain't it about time you started growing up?
You're nearly 30. You wanna get hold of yourself. It's all a lot of bollocks, anyway.
- What? - You're a bright kid. Work it out.
- Here you are. - No, they're from both of us.
Tommy... think about it.
Nearly 30? What's he on about?
Jesus! I only wanted a bunch of fuckin' flowers, and he tells me to think about my life.
See you, Albert.
What's Harris and Bright doing there?
I could hardly stop them, Bill.
They're foolish men, Tom.
Harris think s we're connected cos I fought in the war.
What he doesn't understand is, I fought to stop people like him with their Fascist opinions.
Billy is a fuckin' idiot.
Are you still going to Australia?
I don't know. There's a spare ticket going begging, if you're interested.
Your cousins would love to see you.
Do yourself a favour.
Put a bit of distance between you and all that stuff you're mixed up in.
I'm all right, Bill.
I'm just having a laugh.
Well, just be careful.
Next time you visit the boneyard, it could be in a box.
What are you fuckin' doing here, you little cunt?
I've come to pay my respects.
Well, you're not wanted.
Let's have it right. You didn't even fuckin' know him, did you? Did you?
Well, put your soppy cap on, then, and fuck off.
Go on, jog on.
Don't forget our appointment.
All right, boys? What's happening?
Why have you got a dartboard drawn on your shirt, Zeb?
Well, what's it got to do with you, you mug?
All right, boys. First one to a hundred.
Aaaarghh!
Stand up straight.
He wants to know which one stole the PlayStation.
Me.
Good call. Crack on.
Aaaarghh!
Oi, shithead, hold your hand out.
- What, Zeb? - I said, hold your hand out.
Just a kid, ain't you?
You hold your hand out, Zeb. Let's see how old you are.
Are you trying to fuckin' mug me off?
With Millwall round the corner, it was time for the juniors to play
Nice to see Billy and Fred could put their differences aside
when it come to their kids.
Bit of a coincidence, eh? Our kids play against each other just before we meet in the Cup.
Somehow, I don't think this game's gonna get quite as messy. Do you?
Fancy yourselves in bandit country, then?
Well, let's have it right. If history's anything to go by,
last time we met you lot, we ran you all over London.
You couldn't run 100 yards, mate!
- Won't fuckin' need to, either! - Don't get lemon, Bill. It don't suit you.
Spell it, you cunt.
C-U-N-T. Cunt.
I meant "lemon", soppy bollocks.
We'll see about lemon when you're lost in deep south, you fat fuckin' prick.
Whoa! Now we're getting personal. Now, what's your problem?
That you have to open your kebab shop soon or that you buy Charlie off a white man?
Well, how does it feel doing business with a Turk, when you're supposed to be right wing?
Scooby-Do's less confused than you.
You'll be confused when I open your canister up.
You wanna wait till the game or make one now?
Don't punch above your weight, you long streak of piss.
Well, stop punching your old woman about, then, wanker.
What did you fuckin' say, you mug?
You fuckin' heard, you fat fuckin' Johnson cunt.
Fuckin' mug! Look at you, you cunt!
Get off me, you... Get off me, you cunt!
Fuck this. If they can't be grown up, let's go.
I'll fuckin' do you!
Just as I thought. Rod's been plating the court clerk's Gary,
and now she wants to meet his mates.
I told him I already met her in the dock, but he insisted on a social one.
And why is it that when your best mate meets a girl, he quickly changes into a fuckin' melt,
and acts like he's only known you for ten minutes?
So... what do you do, then, Thomas?
Thomas? Kick people's fuckin' heads in for a laugh.
And you shoud know, div. You read the charges out.
Me?
I work long and hard.
Sounds like Rod!
Yeah?
Cor...
Jesus, he's really picked one here. The worst sort of all.
Wannabe middle-class scum. I'd like to kick the cunt back to Penge.
Seems nice.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, he's a top bloke.
Bill, it's Tom. Fancy a quiet drink? I'm bored out of my skull.
Meet me at work around seven in the morning.
Don't worry. I'll bring my tools.
- Fancy a sauna? - Good call, Bill.
Johnson!
All right, Billy. What's it gonna be today? A little lavender head massage?
No, forget that and just crack straight on with the blow job, eh?
Stone me, she won't be working for a week. What was that screaming about?
- What do you think? - Good boy.
What do you think the screaming was about? I'm having a fuckin' breakdown.
With my back against the wall there was only one thing for it: seek counsle from Bright.
Bill, can I talk to you for a minute?
Yeah, yeah, course you can, son.
It's just er... I keep...
I dunno. I just keep... You know?
Yeah, yeah, I know.
- Really? - Yeah, I know.
Fuck! Fuck it. I thought it was just me.
No, listen. It happens to me all the time.
No, don't worry about it. It's sweet.
Don't worry. I'm gonna sort you out.
Thank s, Bill. You're a fuckin' good man.
Listen. Don't mention it.
- Here you are. - What?
Go on son. Crack on. Go on.
Enjoy!
Should have seen that one coming.
The last person on earth you want to talk to when you're paranoid
Ask Bright for advice, and you get fuckin' Viagra.
And what a good mate he was in my time of need.
Fuckin' fat little cunt lazing about with his Penge minge.
Wake up, sleepy.
That was my parents on the phone.
They're coming to London at the weekend and want to take us out.
Well, as long as it ain't Saturday. We got Millwall.
It is Saturday, Rod.
What about Sunday?
They're going to my brother's in Reading. Don't tell me you'd rather go to football.
Well, I am male.
It's one game.
I am male.
But my parents only come round once every few months.
Yeah, Millwall comes round less than the eclipse, babe.
Well, don't just run out.
- I'm going to work. - Let's talk about it, eh?
There's nothing to talk about.
You either meet my parents on Saturday or you never meet them.
All right, boys?
Yeah. Sweet. Speak to you later.
Fuck off.
- Are you serving? - Yeah, what do you need? Whites or browns?
Hit him, hit him! Hit the cunt.
Come here.
Cunt! Cunt! Cunt!
Grab the fuckin' rock. Come on. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.
Cunt!
Come on!
- Fuckin' hell! - Shit, that must have been Zeberdee.
Come, let's go.
My grandad's life was disappearing in front of his eyes.
With Albert dead, he had no-one, apart from me, so it was time to give him some family support,
and maybe even some friendly advice.
You should come to Millwall at the weekend. That'll liven you up a bit.
You all right for money, Bill?
Cos you know you've only got to ask.
I'm earning a few quid down the market now.
It ain't as if I got a bird to spend it on.
Unlike Rod.
You sound over the moon about that.
Yeah, well...
Your chance'll come.
Don't you ever get the itch?
Yeah.
I can see myself on a sun lounger in my back garden,
a couple of kids running about...
sipping my Pimm's quietly.
Kids, eh?
Yeah. Why not?
What's their names?
Dorian, after my mate.
Dorian?
Both of them?
Yeah, probably.
What if they're girls?
Dorian.
You're a good boy, Tom.
Keep your eye on my wallet, Bill.
I'm going to the toilet.
I tell you what, Fred.
This area beats South London hands down.
Bollocks, does it. I'll have Bermondsey any day.
It's full of spivs and skint hoorays round here.
I just wanna find this fuckin' Tommy Johnson and get out of here.
Let's just cut him and fuck off back over south.
You're not wrong.
Oi, you, skint boat, come here.
- Me? - Yes, fuckin' you. Come here.
Come on.
Ever heard of a geezer called Tommy Johnson?
Johnson...
No, I've never heard of him, mate.
Yeah?
Yeah.
So, what's your name?
- What? - I said, what's your fuckin' name?
Dorian.
Poof!
Dorian? Sounds like a fuckin' poof.
Yeah, I know.
Just a name, though, innit?
Prove it.
Prove what?
Stop fuckin' stuttering, and fuckin' prove it.
Just show him some fuckin' brief.
Er...
I ain't got my wallet on me, mate.
Go on, then. Fuck off, you mug. Go on.
Hang on.
We'll see who the fuck you really are. Give us your phone.
Who's this?
Hello. It's Rod. Is Dorian there?
You've had a fuckin' touch. Little mug.
Come on. Let's go.
Do you reckon he's somewhere else?
We'll try the other gaff. He's got to be here somewhere.
Fuckin' hell! Did your arse drop, son?
You'd fuckin' think so! I tell you.
The moment I seen them follow you in, I knew you'd give them a dodgy name.
It's a little trick we picked up in the army.
I'm definitely calling my kids Dorian now. Dorian.
- Dorian. - Dorian.
See you, Rodder, I fuckin' love you sometimes. Do you know that?
You ain't too bad yourself, Johnson.
I'm well up for it now. The omens are good. Millwall who?
I'm gonna have a right fuckin' buzz down there.
Yeah.
Don't say it, Rod.
What?
You fuckin' know.
Look, Tom, fuckin'... Her mum and dad are coming down.
Tom, you'll need these where you're going.
How you doing, mister?
Nah. Not good. You?
Still dead.
Sorry about that. Am I?
No, you're still alive.
- Who are you, mate? - Don't know mate.
Can't tell till I take these bandages off.
What?
What do you mean, "what"?
What are you looking at me like that for?
You don't know?
What, Rod?
You don't remember what you done last night?
I was fuckin' lashed, wasn't I?
Last thing I remember was being in the boozer with you and my grandad.
Jesus, Tom...
For fuck's sake, Rod, what's so bad?
You don't remember Barbara?
Barbara who?
You tried to get off with Billy's wife.
Fuck off.
And when she blanked you, you beat her up.
- What? - You broke her fuckin' jaw, Tom.
I know you're winding me up, Rod.
Please tell me you're winding me up, Rod.
I ain't, mate.
Fuck off, King. I tell you what. I'll ring Zeb. He'll fuckin' know.
All right, Zeb?
Fuckin' hell, Tom. I don't know what to say.
You went berserk mate.
I've got to wash my hands of this one. The cunt's been playing darts with me.
What am I gonna do, Rod?
You're gonna have to go round there.
What?
Just go round there and fuckin' beg.
Well, that's a good idea. I might as well break her fuckin' nose while I'm at it.
I don't know what else to say to you, Tom.
No, you're right. I'll...
I'll fling myself on my knees and let him kick the fuck out of me.
Hopefully, he'll have mercy on me if I'm on the floor.
You know him better than me, mate.
That's the problem. I know what he'll do.
Johnson.
Listen, Bill, listen. On my life, I don't remember nothing.
I was obviously smashed out of my tree. I've woke up...
I'm none the wiser, Bill. Please, Bill.
I don't know what's gone on, mate swear to you. Please Bill. Please.
My life.
You soppy, muggy streak of piss. I can't fuckin' believe you fell for that!
If you'd touched my woman, you'd already be dead!
Fuckin' arseholes.
Fuckin' funny, that, innit?
Go on. Have a fuckin' laugh, will you? Go on. Really fuckin'...
I really fuckin' need this at the moment,
what with my dreams, fuckin' florists, fuckin' billboards...
Bollocks!
Cunts.
On his fuckin' knees!
With mates like mine you certainly don't need enemies. Jesus.
Three weeks ago, I was getting on with my life.
But now, with Millwall round the corner, I'm half the man I was, which ain't saying much.
And the worst is yet to come.
Here's Mark with the sport.
Well, the third round takes place this Saturday,
and of course the pick of the ties has got to be Chelsea against Millwall.
I know police leave is cancelled, but this goes beyond that.
This is that ancient rivalry...
Hello, Bill.
Donna, give him a pint, love. Put 'em on the tab.
- How's your luck? - Not bad, Billy. How are you?
Right. Same as before.
I'll take some of you lot down through South Bermondsey,
and Tommy will take the rest from Surrey Quays.
Where's the meet?
It can't be too far away.
They'll have spotters out all over the place.
- And it's on top of the Old Bill before we start. - What about Billy?
What about Billy?
He knows Millwall like the back of his hand.
Fuck Billy. He don't know what he's doing any more.
Now, let's have it right. We all know he's become a liability.
Granted, yeah he can have a row.
But he can't run a turnout down in South London.
He's a fuckin' lunatic. Look what happened in Liverpool.
Bollocksed the day up.
His problem is, he's taken too much of that shit up his nose.
Just forget him.
Slow down. He's one of your own.
Hang on. You've got to make Harris right here.
It's like having a big kid around. He's a fuckin' dope, mate.
Just let him take Zeberdee and those chavvies. That'll do him.
You just wipe your mouth of him.
He's a spent force.
Bill...
Bill!
What's the matter, babe?
You think I'm all right, don't you?
What?
I'm all right, aren't I?
Yeah, course you are, you silly sod.
Come here.
Eat your dinner.
Bright!
Don't fuckin' creep up on me like that, you si!
Bill. Take it easy.
How comes you weren't down the pub last night?
Fell asleep, didn't I?
How comes you know I weren't there?
Harris belled me and asked where you were.
Well, he didn't fuckin' bell me. Maybe he forgot, eh?
- Got it? - Fuck me! What's that for?
Millwall.
Don't be stupid. You can't take a gun down there.
- It's only a flare gun. - What are you on about? You'll kill someone.
Meant to be having a laugh aren't we?
Fuckin' hell, Bill.
You're on the turn, ain't you?
- You ain't got nothing to prove. - Ain't I?
You look as handsome as you did on our wedding day.
Where are your medals?
You can't go to Whitehall without them, dear.
You're a hero William. Go and put them on dear.
Make me the proudest woman alive.
Don't look at me.
Yeah, go on. Fuck off, you Pakis.
Fuck off!
Got the little chavvy? Corned beefs all over the gaff.
I know, I know, I know.
Did you see the state of his boat? Did you see it?
You don't even know you're fuckin' born!
Oh, fuck off.
Go on, fuck off, you old mug!
I know who I am now.
Show me, then.
All right, for fuck's sake.
Hurry up, lazy bollocks. It's Millwall today.
You all right?
I'm sweet, mate. I'm fuckin' buzzing. This is it.
What's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost.
Listen, Zeb. Listen, listen.
You... You'd better just...
What, Tom? Fucking hell, Tom, what had I better do?
Just look after yourself. It might turn ugly.
Don't worry about me. I'm gonna be a fuckin' hero.
Liven up, we've got to meet the others.
I tell you, it's a fuckin' buzz! Come on!
Here, Tom, where's Rod?
Fuck knows. You all right?
Yeah. Couldn't sleep, could I? Fuckin' buzzing.
The wretch from Penge had got her claws in, and only a miracle could bring him back.
But I couldn't see it happening. I'd lost him when I needed him most.
And not even someone of Rod's calibre woud have the bottle to say...
That espresso's really kicked in.
Darling you don't drink espresso.
Tell me more about the air conditioning, Rodney. I'm fascinated.
Air conditioning?
You told me you run an air-conditioning firm.
Well, we have a few vans out on jobs at once most of the time.
Well, it's always busier in the summer.
Nothing like a soaring temperature to help the work.
Anyway, most of the time I just sit around the office, waiting for the weekend.
Don't get me wrong. I love the money the job pays.
But my real passion lies in kicking people's fucking heads in at football.
See, I've got to channel it somewhere, and as you can tell by my bulging stomach,
I don't participate in too many sporting activities.
And I don't do drugs.
Well, that's not entirely true, but not a lot.
So, I need my release, and a good fuckin' fight seems the best way. Wouldn't you agree?
Maybe not
At least I wouldn't be walking around like you - fuckin' horrible cunts with sticks up your arses,
trying to pretend your little suburban nightmare's all right.
Then again, it just depends which way you look at it.
Mate, can we have the...
No, I'll...
Rod! I fuckin' knew you'd make it!
Wouldn't miss it for the world, mate.
There's a fuckin' shot, man.
You lot fuckin' ready for us, or what?
Well, let's see how game you really are.
So, come and find us, then, shithead.
Oh, and be careful. Remember you're gonna be in deep south.
Away from all the crowds and the ready eye.
So, watch your fuckin' backs.
- Fuckin' hell! - Let's have it!
Hello, Tom.
What's happening, Joe boy?
Everything's sweet round here.
- Where's Harris? - On his way from South Bermondsey.
Get yourself up on the bridge lively.
Later on. Bye.
- Hello, Joe, son. Where are you? - On the bridge. It's all quiet down here.
Keep your eyes peeled. We´ll be there soon.
Give you a bell if I see anything.
- Crack on. - Speak to you later.
- Right. Here you are. It's sweet. - Other end of the bridge, lively.
Sweet, Bill? Get down here all right?
30 years I've stood toe to toe with you.
You fuckin' mug me off like that?
Forget it.
Anyone who runs is gonna get properly served up when we get home.
You got it?
Are you all right, son, yeah?
Yeah. Are you?
I've got to tell you now. I've got a really bad fuckin' feeling about this.
Come on! For fuck's sake.
Oi. Oi. Hold it here. Hold it. Hold it.
Hold it. Oi. Keep your fuckin' voices down.
Keep your fuckin' voices down.
Keep it quiet. Keep it quiet.
Fuckin' wankers!
Fuck.
Cunts!
You and your f...
Clear the area.
Immediately.
Fuckin' cunt!
Disperse, immediately.
I repeat: disperse now.
Clear the area.
Get him!
Step on the cunt!
Get the cunt on the floor. Get into him!
Johnson! Johnson! Leave my fuckin' brother in Casualty, you cunt?
Get the fuck back!
Get out of the way!
Leave it.
You nearly wound up in the boneyard, my son.
How come you're here?
They call it grieving.
I call it falling fuckin' over.
Rod and the others was up. Brought you some grapes.
Was er... Zeberdee there?
Erm... young fella with black hair?
What, that little prick? Yes, he was.
Thank fuck for that.
What about Australia, Bill?
I'll fly next Tuesday.
What about you?
What about me?
Huh!
Was it worth it?
Kicked half to death, florists, cabbies, nightmares and visions.
One of the old soldiers gone for ever.
Bright gone for a seven,
and bollocks so ruptured that the only thing I'll be pulling for months is a chain.
After all that you really do have to ask yourself if it was a worth it.
Course it fuckin' was.
Yeah, just get a pint over here.
They reckon, as soon as he got sentenced, he started crying his eyes out.
I'll do it standing on my head, you mug. Fuck off.
You corrupt cunt. It's people like you that are ruining this fuckin' country, you nonce.
- Take him down. - Fuckin' mug.
Here you are.
- Where are you going, you slippery cunt? - Khazi. He gave me a livener.
Zeb, leave me some, or you're fuckin' dead.
What's happenin', Zeberfuckindee?