1 00:03:16,629 --> 00:03:19,223 Ladies and gentlemen, l would now like to introduce 2 00:03:19,432 --> 00:03:21,525 a legend in our industry. 3 00:03:22,001 --> 00:03:25,402 She's the most successful president in the history of our network 4 00:03:25,605 --> 00:03:29,905 and for the past five years has kept us at the very top of the ratings. 5 00:03:30,577 --> 00:03:32,704 She's our maverick, our wild card, 6 00:03:32,912 --> 00:03:35,972 and today she's gonna take us right to the edge. 7 00:03:36,182 --> 00:03:38,548 Please welcome a giant, a genius 8 00:03:38,751 --> 00:03:45,350 and the hardest-working person in television: Joanna Eberhart. 9 00:03:46,426 --> 00:03:48,519 Way to go, Joanna! 10 00:03:55,301 --> 00:03:59,533 Thank you all so much. Thank you. 11 00:04:00,173 --> 00:04:02,232 Joanna! 12 00:04:02,442 --> 00:04:07,106 That feels good, especially coming from such a fantastic group of people 13 00:04:07,313 --> 00:04:10,510 from all across our great nation, our network affiliates. 14 00:04:10,717 --> 00:04:15,154 Give yourselves a great big hand. You deserve it. 15 00:04:16,289 --> 00:04:19,281 And l want a big, fat Christmas bonus. 16 00:04:19,525 --> 00:04:22,085 Just kidding, but not really, because... 17 00:04:22,328 --> 00:04:26,162 ...l am so excited, l am so on fire, l am so guts-and-glory passionate 18 00:04:26,399 --> 00:04:27,866 about what l am about to show you. 19 00:04:28,067 --> 00:04:30,365 So get ready, because on Monday nights 20 00:04:30,570 --> 00:04:34,870 the whole world will be watching a man, a woman and a buzzer! 21 00:04:42,849 --> 00:04:46,250 Are you ready for the final gender challenge? 22 00:04:48,921 --> 00:04:50,616 - Who makes more money? - l do. 23 00:04:50,823 --> 00:04:53,690 Who enters lronman triathlons every year and wins? 24 00:04:53,893 --> 00:04:54,917 l do. 25 00:04:55,128 --> 00:04:57,824 Who secretly wishes they were married to a hot, sexy lesbian? 26 00:04:58,331 --> 00:04:59,389 - l do! - l do! 27 00:04:59,599 --> 00:05:01,794 lt's Tara! 28 00:05:08,741 --> 00:05:10,299 And... 29 00:05:11,210 --> 00:05:12,973 ...on Thursdays... 30 00:05:13,179 --> 00:05:15,773 No, this is not just a TV show. 31 00:05:15,982 --> 00:05:19,110 No, this is a breakthrough, a breakout, a break-all-the-rules 32 00:05:19,319 --> 00:05:21,583 and bring-on-the-Emmys mega-smash! 33 00:05:22,455 --> 00:05:24,218 Yes! 34 00:05:24,424 --> 00:05:28,918 Can l present to you this planet's ultimate reality phenomenon? 35 00:05:29,195 --> 00:05:32,289 I Can Do Better! 36 00:05:44,410 --> 00:05:47,379 We wiII aII be right there as happiIy-married coupIes 37 00:05:47,580 --> 00:05:50,845 are fIown first cIass to a tropicaI isIand paradise 38 00:05:51,084 --> 00:05:54,781 where they wiII be compIeteIy surrounded by professionaI prostitutes. 39 00:05:54,987 --> 00:05:59,549 And at the end of the week... WeII, Iet's take a peek. 40 00:05:59,826 --> 00:06:02,920 Well, it's been a week, and Hank, our personnel manager from Omaha, 41 00:06:03,129 --> 00:06:05,654 has spent the entire seven days with Vanessa, 42 00:06:05,865 --> 00:06:07,833 our call girl and exotic dancer. 43 00:06:08,101 --> 00:06:09,625 Yeah, it's been amazing. 44 00:06:10,169 --> 00:06:14,162 And l'll admit we've had some fun in the hot tub and all. 45 00:06:14,407 --> 00:06:16,307 But you wanna know something, Billy? 46 00:06:16,542 --> 00:06:18,442 All we did was talk... 47 00:06:18,711 --> 00:06:19,905 ...because l love my wife... 48 00:06:20,480 --> 00:06:25,315 ...and the only place l want to be is back in Omaha with my Barbara. 49 00:06:26,219 --> 00:06:28,050 Tough break, Nessa. 50 00:06:28,254 --> 00:06:30,154 And Barbara, you spent Monday with Rocky, 51 00:06:30,356 --> 00:06:32,586 our bodybuilder and male escort, 52 00:06:32,825 --> 00:06:35,419 Tuesday through Thursday with the entire cast 53 00:06:35,628 --> 00:06:37,721 of the XXX film Hung Jury, 54 00:06:37,930 --> 00:06:42,094 and you spent the entire weekend with Tonkiro. 55 00:06:48,608 --> 00:06:52,408 And now it's time for the final decision. Barbara, it's yours to make. 56 00:06:52,612 --> 00:06:55,172 ls it gonna be Omaha? 57 00:06:57,283 --> 00:06:58,910 Or ''Oma-hunks''? 58 00:06:59,118 --> 00:07:01,086 Well... 59 00:07:01,921 --> 00:07:05,118 ...before l came on this show l only had sex with one man, 60 00:07:05,324 --> 00:07:06,848 and that was usually Hank. 61 00:07:07,660 --> 00:07:11,221 l love Hank deeply and forever with all my heart, 62 00:07:11,431 --> 00:07:14,127 and l would never do anything to hurt him. 63 00:07:15,435 --> 00:07:17,062 But l can do better! 64 00:07:24,844 --> 00:07:28,746 The battle of the sexes, as old as time but as-- 65 00:07:28,948 --> 00:07:30,813 Why? 66 00:07:32,318 --> 00:07:35,685 - Excuse me? - Why did you do it? 67 00:07:35,888 --> 00:07:38,880 Oh, my God, it's Hank from I Can Do Better! 68 00:07:39,091 --> 00:07:41,184 Hank, everyone. 69 00:07:45,832 --> 00:07:48,392 No, stop it. 70 00:07:48,868 --> 00:07:52,133 l love Barbara. l had a family. l had a life. 71 00:07:52,939 --> 00:07:54,031 Hank, 72 00:07:54,307 --> 00:07:56,207 l know it hurts. 73 00:07:56,409 --> 00:07:58,172 Love isn't easy. 74 00:07:58,444 --> 00:08:02,710 Relationships aren't easy, not for anyone. 75 00:08:02,982 --> 00:08:06,383 But now you know the truth about Barbara, 76 00:08:06,586 --> 00:08:09,384 and you are gonna move on with your life. 77 00:08:09,589 --> 00:08:11,523 And you're gonna meet someone wonderful, 78 00:08:11,724 --> 00:08:15,125 and America is gonna love you. 79 00:08:23,436 --> 00:08:27,304 Yeah. l've got a great idea for another hot new show. 80 00:08:27,507 --> 00:08:28,872 Well, tell it to us. 81 00:08:29,075 --> 00:08:30,542 lt's called... 82 00:08:30,810 --> 00:08:33,210 - ...Let's KiII AII the Women. - He's got a gun! 83 00:08:43,122 --> 00:08:46,489 - Joanna, are you all right? - l am great. 84 00:08:46,692 --> 00:08:50,458 Raring to go. The police were sensational. And not a scratch. 85 00:08:50,663 --> 00:08:54,099 - You haven't heard? - About what? 86 00:08:57,303 --> 00:09:01,034 That man, Hank. Right before he tried to kill you, 87 00:09:01,240 --> 00:09:04,767 he went to see his ex-wife and five of her new boyfriends. 88 00:09:04,977 --> 00:09:07,445 - He did? - He shot all of them. 89 00:09:07,647 --> 00:09:09,080 The wife is in critical condition, 90 00:09:09,282 --> 00:09:11,147 and four of the guys are on life support. 91 00:09:11,350 --> 00:09:12,840 - Tonkiro? - He's fine. 92 00:09:13,052 --> 00:09:16,078 - Thank God. - So you know what this means. 93 00:09:17,623 --> 00:09:18,851 Of course. 94 00:09:19,058 --> 00:09:21,618 We pay for all of their medical treatment, every penny. 95 00:09:21,827 --> 00:09:24,796 We get them the very best therapist, childcare, rehab, 96 00:09:24,997 --> 00:09:28,592 whatever they need, and then we fly them to New York, first class, 97 00:09:28,801 --> 00:09:29,927 for a prime-time special, 98 00:09:30,136 --> 00:09:33,162 Hank and Barbara: Let the HeaIing Begin. 99 00:09:33,606 --> 00:09:35,301 You're not listening. 100 00:09:35,575 --> 00:09:38,976 We can't wear this. The lawsuits alone may bankrupt the network. 101 00:09:39,178 --> 00:09:42,545 And all your new shows, the whole lineup, the affiliates won't touch them. 102 00:09:43,716 --> 00:09:45,581 We have shareholders. 103 00:09:45,818 --> 00:09:48,582 We can't let you sink the network. 104 00:09:51,023 --> 00:09:53,617 But we wish you only the best. 105 00:10:24,957 --> 00:10:26,322 Of course. 106 00:10:29,495 --> 00:10:34,330 Thank you for being so classy and taking this so well. 107 00:11:00,026 --> 00:11:04,224 Joanna, we just wanted to say that this is so not fair. 108 00:11:09,468 --> 00:11:11,732 Goodbye, everybody! 109 00:11:12,304 --> 00:11:14,238 All the best! 110 00:11:43,335 --> 00:11:44,802 Jo? 111 00:11:47,339 --> 00:11:49,000 Walter. 112 00:11:49,809 --> 00:11:53,370 - What happened? - Well, 113 00:11:53,612 --> 00:11:56,672 you've had a complete nervous collapse. 114 00:11:57,116 --> 00:11:58,879 And the doctors say there's a lot of work to do, 115 00:11:59,085 --> 00:12:01,349 but you're gonna be just fine. 116 00:12:01,587 --> 00:12:05,546 Oh, and Pete made this for you. 117 00:12:06,992 --> 00:12:09,859 - Oh, that's so sweet. - lsn't it? 118 00:12:10,062 --> 00:12:13,259 And l wanted you to know that the minute l heard the news, 119 00:12:13,466 --> 00:12:16,401 l called the network and l quit. 120 00:12:16,635 --> 00:12:20,071 - You did that for me? - Of course. 121 00:12:20,306 --> 00:12:23,104 l know l was only a vice president, 122 00:12:23,309 --> 00:12:26,005 but l could never work for those people, 123 00:12:26,212 --> 00:12:29,340 not after the way they treated you. 124 00:12:29,715 --> 00:12:31,808 Oh, Walter... 125 00:12:32,118 --> 00:12:35,315 And do you remember what today is? 126 00:12:35,621 --> 00:12:37,680 lt's our anniversary. 127 00:12:38,924 --> 00:12:42,758 Oh, Walter... 128 00:12:44,597 --> 00:12:47,191 ...l'm so sorry. 129 00:12:47,566 --> 00:12:50,967 Maybe that man who tried to shoot me, maybe he was right. 130 00:12:51,170 --> 00:12:53,229 Maybe l've become the wrong kind of woman. 131 00:12:53,439 --> 00:12:56,840 Maybe l've made all of the wrong decisions. 132 00:12:57,576 --> 00:13:01,910 Could we get away and start over? 133 00:13:02,114 --> 00:13:05,811 And get it right, our marriage? 134 00:13:12,691 --> 00:13:15,057 - But why are we moving? - To Connecticut? 135 00:13:15,394 --> 00:13:18,488 We're moving so that we can all kick back and have a great new life 136 00:13:18,697 --> 00:13:21,495 in this beautiful new town. 137 00:13:38,017 --> 00:13:40,349 - Name? - Kresby. 138 00:13:40,553 --> 00:13:43,044 - Welcome to Stepford. - Thanks. 139 00:14:26,932 --> 00:14:29,162 - What do you think, guys? - Cool. 140 00:14:29,435 --> 00:14:31,733 - Good. - Honey? 141 00:14:39,278 --> 00:14:43,806 Hello, everyone. l'm Mrs. Wellington. 142 00:14:44,083 --> 00:14:46,017 Welcome to Stepford. 143 00:14:46,218 --> 00:14:49,244 l'm with Stepford Realty. We spoke on the phone. 144 00:14:49,455 --> 00:14:51,719 - You must be Walter. - So nice to meet you in person. 145 00:14:51,991 --> 00:14:53,515 And the little ones. 146 00:14:53,726 --> 00:14:54,988 l bet you're Pete. 147 00:14:55,361 --> 00:14:56,851 - Duh. - Pete. 148 00:14:57,363 --> 00:14:59,661 And he's every bit as handsome as his dad. 149 00:15:00,065 --> 00:15:01,362 Thank you. 150 00:15:01,567 --> 00:15:04,764 And Kimberly, aren't you just the cutest little bug's ear. 151 00:15:05,004 --> 00:15:05,993 Bugs don't have ears. 152 00:15:07,072 --> 00:15:10,530 lsn't she sassy, and a little sad. 153 00:15:11,343 --> 00:15:13,971 And this must be Joanna. 154 00:15:14,246 --> 00:15:17,409 - Electroshock? - But she's doing great. 155 00:15:17,883 --> 00:15:20,215 Hello, little Energizer. 156 00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:25,948 The minute Walter called, l knew this was the perfect house for you. 157 00:15:26,191 --> 00:15:29,160 lt's the top of the line here at Stepford Estates, 158 00:15:29,361 --> 00:15:32,694 and it's got everything an American family could ever need. 159 00:15:33,299 --> 00:15:36,132 - And may l present to you... - Look at this. 160 00:15:36,535 --> 00:15:39,060 - This is amazing. - ...the great room. 161 00:15:39,471 --> 00:15:41,598 l call it cozy. 162 00:15:42,641 --> 00:15:48,136 And it's also a smart house. Now, this controls the security system. 163 00:15:51,817 --> 00:15:55,844 - AII secure. - lt talks to the refrigerator. 164 00:15:56,088 --> 00:16:00,422 We need juice, we need juice, we need juice. 165 00:16:00,626 --> 00:16:03,288 The system also monitors all the commodes. 166 00:16:03,529 --> 00:16:06,965 Where it will test your urine for blood sugar, protein and body fat. 167 00:16:07,499 --> 00:16:09,967 FIush toiIets. 168 00:16:11,236 --> 00:16:12,430 lsn't that great, kids? 169 00:16:12,638 --> 00:16:15,903 - l'm gonna go check my room. - Me too. 170 00:16:17,009 --> 00:16:18,670 Now, Walter, will you be commuting? 171 00:16:18,877 --> 00:16:20,344 No. 172 00:16:21,947 --> 00:16:25,178 No, Joanna and l both left the network. 173 00:16:25,951 --> 00:16:27,350 Oh, look, it's the puppy. 174 00:16:27,553 --> 00:16:31,751 Robo Rover 3000. Come on, boy. Come on, come on, come on. 175 00:17:49,802 --> 00:17:51,235 Joanna. 176 00:17:51,570 --> 00:17:53,902 The town is over 200 years old. 177 00:17:54,139 --> 00:17:57,870 lt was founded by George Washington, and Martha just loved it. 178 00:17:58,610 --> 00:18:00,840 Stepford is Connecticut's family paradise. 179 00:18:01,046 --> 00:18:04,209 lt has no crime, no poverty and no pushing. 180 00:18:07,820 --> 00:18:10,414 What is that? Up on the hill? 181 00:18:11,156 --> 00:18:13,454 Well, that's our Stepford Men's Association. 182 00:18:13,659 --> 00:18:17,186 Where all our wonderful guys can get together and stay out of our hair. 183 00:18:18,597 --> 00:18:20,462 Am l right? 184 00:18:20,666 --> 00:18:24,466 - Where do the women go? - To the Simply Stepford Day Spa. 185 00:18:36,682 --> 00:18:40,948 - Good morning, ladies. - Good morning, Claire. 186 00:18:41,153 --> 00:18:46,216 l would like you all to welcome our newest citizen to Stepford: Joanna. 187 00:18:46,725 --> 00:18:49,853 Good morning, Joanna. 188 00:18:50,896 --> 00:18:55,265 - Are we ready to work out? - Oh, yes. 189 00:18:55,467 --> 00:18:58,163 Places and poles, please. 190 00:19:06,645 --> 00:19:09,546 Wait, you work out dressed like this? 191 00:19:09,748 --> 00:19:15,584 Well, of course. Whatever we do, we always want to look our very best. 192 00:19:15,787 --> 00:19:19,621 l mean, why, imagine if our husbands saw us 193 00:19:19,925 --> 00:19:21,984 in worn, dark, urban sweat clothes 194 00:19:22,194 --> 00:19:25,561 with stringy hair and almost no makeup? 195 00:19:25,764 --> 00:19:27,095 Oh, good heavens. 196 00:19:27,299 --> 00:19:28,630 Now, 197 00:19:28,901 --> 00:19:31,870 today you are in for a special treat 198 00:19:32,070 --> 00:19:34,197 because we are working on a series of exercises 199 00:19:34,406 --> 00:19:38,172 which l've personally invented, based on simple household tasks. 200 00:19:38,477 --> 00:19:40,638 l call my program Clairobics. 201 00:19:40,846 --> 00:19:42,780 Because her name is Claire. 202 00:19:44,550 --> 00:19:47,883 All right, now it's time to slim and scrub. 203 00:19:48,153 --> 00:19:51,919 Let's all be washing machines. And... 204 00:19:56,995 --> 00:19:57,984 And... 205 00:20:01,800 --> 00:20:03,995 Come on, Joanna. 206 00:20:05,270 --> 00:20:07,932 Spin cycle, ladies, and... 207 00:20:08,707 --> 00:20:10,265 And... 208 00:20:10,475 --> 00:20:11,999 And... 209 00:20:12,311 --> 00:20:13,608 And... 210 00:20:18,417 --> 00:20:21,284 - Sweet. - Oh, yeah, oh, yeah. Who's the man? 211 00:20:21,486 --> 00:20:22,748 You the man. 212 00:20:22,955 --> 00:20:24,980 Thank you, dear. 213 00:21:05,163 --> 00:21:06,130 Walter? 214 00:21:06,331 --> 00:21:07,821 - Hey, how you doing? - Walter Kresby. 215 00:21:08,033 --> 00:21:09,330 - Good to see you. - Ted Van Sant. 216 00:21:09,568 --> 00:21:11,331 l'm Stan Peters. Come on in, come on in. 217 00:21:11,536 --> 00:21:13,265 - Mike said you were coming. - Nice to see you. 218 00:21:13,472 --> 00:21:14,700 Come on in. 219 00:21:16,874 --> 00:21:21,174 Hear ye, hear ye. Come one, come aII, and happy Fourth of JuIy. 220 00:21:21,379 --> 00:21:25,406 At 1:30 wiII be the chiIdren's Stars and Stripes, face painting... 221 00:21:25,617 --> 00:21:27,016 lsn't this great? 222 00:21:27,218 --> 00:21:30,449 A real old-fashioned town picnic. Can't get this in Manhattan. 223 00:21:30,655 --> 00:21:32,486 Which is why we're gonna stay exactly ten minutes. 224 00:21:32,690 --> 00:21:35,250 We're gonna make an appearance, and then we're gonna get out of here. 225 00:21:35,460 --> 00:21:39,294 Kids, l'm really sorry about all of this, but let's try and have fun. 226 00:21:39,731 --> 00:21:41,164 Mom, it's a picnic. 227 00:21:41,499 --> 00:21:44,491 - Chill. - Go ahead, go ahead, have fun. 228 00:21:44,802 --> 00:21:46,360 Ten minutes? 229 00:21:46,638 --> 00:21:48,128 Walter, you just don't get it. 230 00:21:48,339 --> 00:21:50,739 These women are like deranged-flight-attendant friendly. 231 00:21:50,942 --> 00:21:54,275 - They're gonna be all over me. - Joanna! 232 00:21:55,013 --> 00:21:56,275 Here we go. 233 00:21:56,481 --> 00:21:59,416 - Oh, Joanna. - Joanna, hi. 234 00:22:00,952 --> 00:22:03,921 - Hi, Walter. - Hi. 235 00:22:04,122 --> 00:22:06,989 - You look great. - l love you in khakis. 236 00:22:08,626 --> 00:22:11,459 They're new, a little experiment. 237 00:22:11,663 --> 00:22:14,223 Now l know why they call it Banana Republic. 238 00:22:16,434 --> 00:22:18,925 Excuse me. Excuse me! 239 00:22:19,137 --> 00:22:21,469 Excuse me, ladies. Excuse me. 240 00:22:21,906 --> 00:22:24,704 Excuse me. Excuse me. 241 00:22:25,009 --> 00:22:26,408 Excuse me. 242 00:22:26,878 --> 00:22:29,642 Am l the only one who finds all of this more than a little disturbing? 243 00:22:29,847 --> 00:22:31,542 We are celebrating our nation's birthday, 244 00:22:31,749 --> 00:22:33,546 but there are almost no African-Americans, 245 00:22:33,751 --> 00:22:35,844 no Native Americans, no Asian Americans, 246 00:22:36,054 --> 00:22:37,783 and... Oh, my God. 247 00:22:38,456 --> 00:22:42,324 Hey, you're Joanna Eberhart. You got such a raw deal. 248 00:22:42,527 --> 00:22:44,119 Aren't you Bobbie Markowitz? 249 00:22:44,329 --> 00:22:46,729 l love your books, especially the last one. What was it called? 250 00:22:46,931 --> 00:22:48,694 lt was about your relationship with your mother. 251 00:22:48,900 --> 00:22:52,597 - I Love You But PIease Die. - Hey, baby. Baby. 252 00:22:52,837 --> 00:22:55,067 Look what l did, look. 253 00:22:56,674 --> 00:22:59,234 Happy Fourth of July, everybody. 254 00:22:59,477 --> 00:23:01,377 Excuse me. ls this guy bothering you? 255 00:23:01,579 --> 00:23:04,275 - Yes, he's my husband. - Hey Kresbo-Man. 256 00:23:04,482 --> 00:23:06,882 - Hey, Dave. - How do you know each other? 257 00:23:07,085 --> 00:23:08,950 - Men's Association. - That place. 258 00:23:09,153 --> 00:23:11,246 - Did you finish the laundry? - No, l finished a chapter. 259 00:23:11,456 --> 00:23:12,946 - Did you make the sandwiches? - Did you? 260 00:23:13,157 --> 00:23:14,351 - Where are the kids? - What kids? 261 00:23:14,559 --> 00:23:15,583 Our kids. 262 00:23:15,793 --> 00:23:17,420 - Hey, are you two OK? - We're fine. 263 00:23:17,662 --> 00:23:20,290 - Come on, l need a cookie. - See what l mean? 264 00:23:20,498 --> 00:23:23,797 Jerry... Jerry, it's a bake sale, an actual bake sale. 265 00:23:24,001 --> 00:23:26,561 lt's like some heavenly diorama at the Smithsonian 266 00:23:26,771 --> 00:23:28,636 in the Hall of Homemakers. 267 00:23:28,873 --> 00:23:32,536 Oh, no. No, stop it. Stop it. Stop it. Stop it. 268 00:23:32,744 --> 00:23:34,075 That is not cobbler. 269 00:23:34,278 --> 00:23:37,372 Roger, could we...? Could we reel it in, like, a couple of hundred yards? 270 00:23:37,615 --> 00:23:39,207 How do you ladies keep your figures? 271 00:23:39,417 --> 00:23:41,647 ls there just a huge vat of cobbler vomit somewhere? 272 00:23:41,853 --> 00:23:43,047 - But worth it? - Roger. 273 00:23:43,254 --> 00:23:44,312 Oh, l'm sorry. 274 00:23:44,655 --> 00:23:46,555 - That is... - This is fabulous. 275 00:23:46,758 --> 00:23:49,158 Jerry thinks that l overdo, you know, everything. 276 00:23:49,360 --> 00:23:52,955 Excuse me, aren't you Roger Bannister? 277 00:23:53,164 --> 00:23:54,654 The amazing architect from The Times? 278 00:23:54,866 --> 00:23:56,197 Oh, thank you. This is Jerry Harmon. 279 00:23:56,401 --> 00:23:57,663 - Hi. - Corporate attorney. 280 00:23:57,869 --> 00:23:59,496 But he's getting the help that he needs. 281 00:23:59,704 --> 00:24:00,762 - Stop it. - You stop it. 282 00:24:00,972 --> 00:24:03,031 - We're new. - Oh, my God, Joanna Eberhart. 283 00:24:03,241 --> 00:24:05,709 - l love the shows. - Oh, thank you. 284 00:24:05,977 --> 00:24:08,707 And Bobbie Markowitz. Love the books. 285 00:24:08,913 --> 00:24:10,881 Jerry, how did this happen? Where did you come from? 286 00:24:11,082 --> 00:24:13,175 l mean, right here in Stepford. 287 00:24:13,384 --> 00:24:14,544 People. 288 00:24:16,587 --> 00:24:19,954 Attention, attention, Fourth of July funsters, 289 00:24:20,158 --> 00:24:22,319 grab your partners because it's time 290 00:24:22,527 --> 00:24:27,464 for some sizzling Stepford square dancing, so come on in. 291 00:24:27,732 --> 00:24:29,495 - Square dancing? - Cowgirls? 292 00:24:29,734 --> 00:24:33,636 - We're in hell. - Come on, Bobbie. 293 00:24:44,415 --> 00:24:46,713 - Howdy. - Howdy. 294 00:24:47,418 --> 00:24:49,147 OK, everybody ready to kick up your heels 295 00:24:49,353 --> 00:24:52,550 for some barn-busting Stepford high-stepping? 296 00:24:54,525 --> 00:24:55,617 OK. 297 00:24:55,827 --> 00:24:58,091 Bow to your partners Lose your cares 298 00:25:00,932 --> 00:25:04,629 - There you go. - Stepford staIIions Iove their mares 299 00:25:06,671 --> 00:25:09,868 AII men Ieft, aII men right 300 00:25:10,675 --> 00:25:13,371 Rope that fiIIy, she won't bite 301 00:25:14,812 --> 00:25:17,804 AII join hands and circIe sweet 302 00:25:18,850 --> 00:25:21,717 PIease your cowboy with your feet 303 00:25:29,594 --> 00:25:32,563 - Nice shirt, Stan. - Thanks. 304 00:25:55,553 --> 00:25:58,818 Yippee-ki-yay, yippee-ki-yay, yippee-ki-yay, yippee-ki-yay, 305 00:25:59,023 --> 00:26:00,388 yippee-ki-yay, yippee-ki-yay, 306 00:26:00,591 --> 00:26:01,785 - yippee-ki-yay, yippee-ki-yay, - Honey. 307 00:26:02,193 --> 00:26:03,990 - yippee-ki-yay, yippee-ki-yay. - Calm down. 308 00:26:04,195 --> 00:26:06,356 Do-si-do, do-si-do, do-si-do, do-si-do, 309 00:26:06,564 --> 00:26:09,158 - Whoa, back up, guy. - do-si-do, do-si-do, do-si-do... 310 00:26:11,335 --> 00:26:12,563 Jesus. 311 00:26:12,770 --> 00:26:14,567 Do-si-do, do-si-do, do-si-do, do-si-do. 312 00:26:14,772 --> 00:26:17,434 - Excuse me. Excuse me. - ls she all right? 313 00:26:17,942 --> 00:26:20,706 - lt's OK. - Excuse me. 314 00:26:21,212 --> 00:26:23,840 - Do-si-do. - All right. OK. Don't try to move her. 315 00:26:24,415 --> 00:26:26,007 - She's drunk. - There's no need, thank you. 316 00:26:26,217 --> 00:26:27,309 - She's blond. - l'm her husband. 317 00:26:27,518 --> 00:26:28,485 - Do-si-do. - Jo, you're not a doctor. 318 00:26:28,786 --> 00:26:28,886 Walter, l can take care of this. l ran a network. 319 00:26:28,886 --> 00:26:31,616 Walter, l can take care of this. l ran a network. 320 00:26:31,822 --> 00:26:33,084 - Somebody call 91 1 . - Mike's here. 321 00:26:33,291 --> 00:26:34,656 Mike. 322 00:26:35,493 --> 00:26:37,051 - Mike. - Do-si-do. 323 00:26:38,362 --> 00:26:40,922 Do-si-do, do-si-do, do-si-do. 324 00:26:41,132 --> 00:26:42,997 - Mike. - lt's OK. l'm here. 325 00:26:43,501 --> 00:26:44,661 Walter, the missus. 326 00:26:44,869 --> 00:26:46,496 - The missus? - Jo, Jo. 327 00:26:46,704 --> 00:26:48,797 Walter, what is your problem? 328 00:26:49,040 --> 00:26:51,008 - Excuse me. - Stand back, please. 329 00:26:51,475 --> 00:26:55,912 - Hey! Excuse... - Excuse me. 330 00:26:59,617 --> 00:27:02,347 - What was that? - Herb, Dave, 331 00:27:02,653 --> 00:27:05,247 give me a hand, and we'll get Sarah right into my Hummer. 332 00:27:05,456 --> 00:27:07,515 - Your Hummer? - lt's a sweet ride. 333 00:27:07,725 --> 00:27:09,522 - lt's roomy. - Here you go. 334 00:27:09,727 --> 00:27:12,025 We need an ambulance. You shouldn't be moving her. 335 00:27:12,563 --> 00:27:15,396 She might need oxygen, paramedics. 336 00:27:15,600 --> 00:27:17,898 Everything isn't always about you, Jo. 337 00:27:18,102 --> 00:27:19,592 Walter. 338 00:27:19,804 --> 00:27:24,468 She'll be fine. lt's too much sun. She's dehydrated. 339 00:27:24,675 --> 00:27:28,577 - Dehydrated? Are you crazy? - Jo. l'm sorry about this, Mike. 340 00:27:29,113 --> 00:27:33,914 Joanna. Joanna, this is a very special moment. 341 00:27:34,118 --> 00:27:36,484 - l would like you to meet... - Mike Wellington. 342 00:27:36,687 --> 00:27:38,314 My husband. 343 00:27:38,522 --> 00:27:40,615 - Oh... - And you must be the famous Joanna. 344 00:27:40,825 --> 00:27:43,020 You're even prettier than in the newspapers. 345 00:27:43,227 --> 00:27:45,787 - They don't do you justice. - Excuse me, that woman is very sick. 346 00:27:45,997 --> 00:27:47,658 Thank you. l should be going with her. 347 00:27:47,865 --> 00:27:50,834 She'll get all the help she needs. Trust me, little lady. 348 00:27:57,108 --> 00:28:01,670 That woman had a seizure, and she was practically levitating. 349 00:28:01,879 --> 00:28:05,280 And l have told you five million times l phoned Herb. 350 00:28:05,516 --> 00:28:07,416 He said that Sarah is fine. 351 00:28:07,618 --> 00:28:10,086 She just needed some fluids, just like Mike said. 352 00:28:10,287 --> 00:28:13,620 - She was sparking, Walter. - She was dancing. 353 00:28:13,824 --> 00:28:17,225 Then why wasn't there a doctor anywhere? And why...? 354 00:28:19,130 --> 00:28:20,563 Why...? 355 00:28:21,966 --> 00:28:24,560 Walter! Walter! And why did everyone 356 00:28:24,769 --> 00:28:26,532 just automatically listen to that Mike person? 357 00:28:26,737 --> 00:28:28,932 And why, why was everyone just standing there? 358 00:28:29,140 --> 00:28:30,971 You mean why weren't they just listening to you? 359 00:28:31,342 --> 00:28:34,675 - That's not what l'm saying! - Jesus Christ, Joanna! 360 00:28:34,879 --> 00:28:36,813 - What? - You were fired, 361 00:28:37,014 --> 00:28:40,142 your kids barely know you, and our marriage is falling apart. 362 00:28:40,351 --> 00:28:43,115 And your whole attitude makes people want to kill you. 363 00:28:43,320 --> 00:28:45,982 lt makes people try to kill you. 364 00:28:46,190 --> 00:28:47,555 That's what we're doing here. 365 00:28:47,758 --> 00:28:50,022 The people in this town have been nothing 366 00:28:50,227 --> 00:28:53,458 but friendly and welcoming and wonderful to you. 367 00:28:53,764 --> 00:28:56,324 And you've been nothing but snide and suspicious. 368 00:28:56,767 --> 00:28:58,997 And on top of that, at the picnic you humiliated me. 369 00:28:59,203 --> 00:29:00,397 Well, l can't do it anymore. 370 00:29:00,604 --> 00:29:05,064 l can't keep fighting you for every inch of everything. Game over. 371 00:29:05,276 --> 00:29:08,302 - Marriage over. - Oh, no! 372 00:29:08,913 --> 00:29:10,312 - No! - No what? 373 00:29:10,648 --> 00:29:12,309 Please don't go. 374 00:29:12,516 --> 00:29:14,814 - Why not? - Because you're right. 375 00:29:18,055 --> 00:29:21,456 Wait, l'm sorry. l don't think l heard that. What did you just say? 376 00:29:24,228 --> 00:29:26,196 l said, you're right. 377 00:29:26,831 --> 00:29:27,889 About? 378 00:29:28,566 --> 00:29:30,557 About everything. 379 00:29:33,637 --> 00:29:35,901 About me. 380 00:30:02,066 --> 00:30:04,830 Do you know why l signed on at the network? 381 00:30:06,337 --> 00:30:09,864 Because l thought that if l was around, l could help you lighten up. 382 00:30:10,641 --> 00:30:12,404 You did? 383 00:30:12,843 --> 00:30:15,038 Yeah, l did. What was that one show called? 384 00:30:15,312 --> 00:30:16,711 I Can Do Everybody? 385 00:30:17,548 --> 00:30:20,984 See, that's what l mean. l wanted to make you laugh. 386 00:30:22,887 --> 00:30:25,515 That's so sweet, but l... 387 00:30:26,690 --> 00:30:32,094 l was busy. l was running a network, Walter. 388 00:30:32,329 --> 00:30:34,797 You were so busy that we haven't made love in over a year. 389 00:30:34,999 --> 00:30:38,594 - l know. l... - Well, l miss you. 390 00:30:39,804 --> 00:30:44,036 But l've always loved you so much. l... 391 00:30:45,176 --> 00:30:47,041 You know that. 392 00:30:47,878 --> 00:30:49,505 Why? 393 00:30:50,781 --> 00:30:53,272 Because... Because... 394 00:30:54,418 --> 00:30:56,386 ...you're goofy, and you're... 395 00:30:57,388 --> 00:31:00,357 You're handsome, and you're... You're... 396 00:31:00,791 --> 00:31:03,259 You're my Walter. 397 00:31:04,829 --> 00:31:07,195 And because when you play computer chess 398 00:31:07,398 --> 00:31:09,161 you do that little... 399 00:31:09,400 --> 00:31:13,302 - You do that little victory dance. - l do not. l don't do that. 400 00:31:13,504 --> 00:31:16,200 - Yes, you do. - No, l don't. 401 00:31:21,645 --> 00:31:24,637 But if l'm not the smartest 402 00:31:24,849 --> 00:31:27,010 and the best of the best and the most successful, 403 00:31:27,251 --> 00:31:29,549 then l don't know, who am l? 404 00:31:30,087 --> 00:31:31,987 You wanna find out? 405 00:31:33,858 --> 00:31:35,120 How? 406 00:31:36,961 --> 00:31:40,055 First of all, we're in the country now, so no more black. 407 00:31:40,264 --> 00:31:42,755 - No more black? Are you insane? - You heard me. 408 00:31:42,967 --> 00:31:44,798 Only high-powered, neurotic, castrating, 409 00:31:45,002 --> 00:31:48,301 Manhattan career bitches wear black. ls that what you wanna be? 410 00:31:49,373 --> 00:31:52,001 Ever since l was a little girl. 411 00:31:56,046 --> 00:31:58,537 Do l really look OK? 412 00:32:00,918 --> 00:32:02,715 Can l be honest? 413 00:32:03,387 --> 00:32:05,514 - You look kind of like Betty Crocker. - l know. 414 00:32:06,090 --> 00:32:08,320 - At Betty Ford. - We need miIk. 415 00:32:08,525 --> 00:32:10,891 - We need miIk. We need miIk. - Thank you. 416 00:32:11,128 --> 00:32:13,653 Look, l'm trying to make an effort to change. 417 00:32:13,864 --> 00:32:15,832 l mean, last night my husband was a different person. 418 00:32:16,033 --> 00:32:19,434 He was strong, he was forceful, he was commanding. 419 00:32:19,637 --> 00:32:21,127 Like your refrigerator. 420 00:32:21,405 --> 00:32:23,999 Well, nobody said it was gonna be easy being a homemaker 421 00:32:24,208 --> 00:32:25,732 and a stay-at-home mom. 422 00:32:26,210 --> 00:32:28,405 lt's the toughest job in the world, right? 423 00:32:28,612 --> 00:32:30,637 Well, that may be, but these Stepford women, 424 00:32:30,848 --> 00:32:33,214 - they're a whole other dimension. - Oh, like yesterday, 425 00:32:33,417 --> 00:32:35,851 that poor lady, Sarah Sunderson. 426 00:32:36,053 --> 00:32:37,577 Walter said she's fine. 427 00:32:37,788 --> 00:32:39,813 But you said she was shooting off sparks from her ears. 428 00:32:40,024 --> 00:32:41,514 - Now, that's the first sign. - Of what? 429 00:32:41,725 --> 00:32:43,454 Cheap jewelry. 430 00:32:44,094 --> 00:32:46,722 - We should go see her. - Why? 431 00:32:46,931 --> 00:32:49,024 Because we need to be supportive. 432 00:32:49,233 --> 00:32:51,224 That's how people behave outside of Manhattan. 433 00:32:51,468 --> 00:32:52,765 They care about each other. 434 00:32:53,037 --> 00:32:55,528 l mean, if you were in New York and one of your neighbors got sick 435 00:32:55,739 --> 00:32:57,070 - what would you do? - We'd call her. 436 00:32:57,274 --> 00:32:59,742 - To see if she was gonna die. - So we could get the apartment. 437 00:33:00,044 --> 00:33:02,911 Let's go. Up. Up. Up. 438 00:33:05,282 --> 00:33:07,079 Sarah? 439 00:33:08,218 --> 00:33:11,847 - Yoo-hoo. - Yoo-hoo? ls she in there? 440 00:33:12,056 --> 00:33:13,421 - What are you doing? - lt's open. 441 00:33:13,624 --> 00:33:15,819 - That's amazing. - So sweet. 442 00:33:16,026 --> 00:33:17,687 And so trusting. 443 00:33:21,632 --> 00:33:22,929 Roger. 444 00:33:23,133 --> 00:33:24,532 Roger. 445 00:33:24,735 --> 00:33:27,602 - Look at this place. - Wow. 446 00:33:27,805 --> 00:33:31,172 - Sarah? - Sarah? 447 00:33:35,279 --> 00:33:37,179 Roger. 448 00:33:40,084 --> 00:33:42,314 Oh, Herb. 449 00:33:42,686 --> 00:33:46,713 - Oh, baby. - Oh, yes. Oh, yes. 450 00:33:46,924 --> 00:33:49,324 - Make me beg! - Yeah! 451 00:33:50,494 --> 00:33:53,054 Oh, l'm so lucky! 452 00:33:53,497 --> 00:33:55,556 - Oh, my God. - ls that a DVD? 453 00:33:55,766 --> 00:33:58,200 No, it's them. 454 00:34:00,471 --> 00:34:02,996 Oh, you're the king! 455 00:34:04,441 --> 00:34:06,306 Yes! 456 00:34:21,325 --> 00:34:23,850 - l'm going up there. - Why? 457 00:34:24,061 --> 00:34:25,494 - Roger! - l want some. 458 00:34:25,696 --> 00:34:28,324 - Roger. - Roger. 459 00:34:36,140 --> 00:34:39,871 - Baby, grab me some nachos. - Yes, dear. 460 00:34:44,782 --> 00:34:46,579 What's this? 461 00:34:48,786 --> 00:34:51,380 - Roger, put it down. - What? Oh, come on. 462 00:34:51,588 --> 00:34:53,556 - Roger. - Why does it say Sarah? 463 00:34:53,757 --> 00:34:55,019 Roger, you should put it down now. 464 00:34:55,225 --> 00:34:56,988 - Let's get out of here. - This isn't our house. 465 00:34:57,194 --> 00:34:58,889 Oh, stop. Would you just quit? 466 00:34:59,329 --> 00:35:02,264 - We have to, Roger. - For God's sake, we're trespassing. 467 00:35:02,466 --> 00:35:04,263 We have to get out of here. 468 00:35:04,468 --> 00:35:06,595 - Put it down. Come on. - OK, let's try and use this. 469 00:35:06,804 --> 00:35:09,068 We have to go. 470 00:35:26,490 --> 00:35:28,481 l'm so embarrassed. 471 00:35:28,692 --> 00:35:31,525 l'm mortified. l'm famished. 472 00:35:35,699 --> 00:35:37,792 - Bobbie. - Yeah? 473 00:35:38,435 --> 00:35:40,733 - Are you making anthrax? - Excuse me. 474 00:35:40,938 --> 00:35:42,235 l've been busy. My new book. 475 00:35:42,439 --> 00:35:44,532 But can't you hire someone to clean? 476 00:35:44,741 --> 00:35:45,935 Someone brave? 477 00:35:46,143 --> 00:35:48,737 Dave says l got to do it myself, like Sarah Sunderson. 478 00:35:48,946 --> 00:35:51,938 - Oh, could you believe her? - But, darling, her home is spotless. 479 00:35:52,583 --> 00:35:55,143 And she's having incredible sex in the middle of the day 480 00:35:55,352 --> 00:35:56,546 with her husband. 481 00:35:56,753 --> 00:35:59,586 Well, l'm sorry, but my shrink says l need creative chaos. 482 00:35:59,790 --> 00:36:02,088 - My therapist says l need boundaries. - My doctor said l need 483 00:36:02,292 --> 00:36:05,022 enough electricity to jumpstart Vegas. 484 00:36:05,229 --> 00:36:07,220 - You ever done Zoloft? - Kid stuff. 485 00:36:07,431 --> 00:36:10,832 Xanax. l worship Xanax. l'm old-fashioned. 486 00:36:11,034 --> 00:36:12,934 l like Prozac with a Viagra chaser. 487 00:36:13,137 --> 00:36:15,128 You're up, and you're up. 488 00:36:15,339 --> 00:36:18,900 - Oh, Roger. - Viagra. 489 00:36:19,109 --> 00:36:22,306 Hey, is there something that you need to tell us? 490 00:36:22,513 --> 00:36:25,380 Well... Sharing. 491 00:36:25,582 --> 00:36:28,278 OK. OK. 492 00:36:30,420 --> 00:36:32,820 Jerry and l have been in couple's counseling... 493 00:36:33,023 --> 00:36:35,048 ...for over a year... 494 00:36:35,259 --> 00:36:38,092 ...and finally... Finally, l just couldn't take it anymore. 495 00:36:38,295 --> 00:36:41,264 l howled, ''You've become a gay Republican.'' 496 00:36:41,965 --> 00:36:44,365 And he said, ''What's wrong with that?'' 497 00:36:45,068 --> 00:36:46,330 l said, ''What's wrong with that? 498 00:36:46,537 --> 00:36:48,505 ''That's like wanting to be gay with a bad haircut.'' 499 00:36:48,705 --> 00:36:50,002 Exactly. 500 00:36:50,207 --> 00:36:53,176 So the counselor suggested that we move to the 'burbs. 501 00:36:53,377 --> 00:36:56,175 - To find a balance. - We moved here as a last resort. 502 00:36:56,914 --> 00:36:59,144 Court order. Don't ask. 503 00:36:59,349 --> 00:37:02,216 OK. l know this is unthinkable, 504 00:37:02,419 --> 00:37:06,879 but what if we could actually learn how to be happy... 505 00:37:07,090 --> 00:37:10,821 ...without Paxil or compulsive overeating? 506 00:37:11,028 --> 00:37:14,395 What if we actually gave this whole thing a try for real, 507 00:37:14,598 --> 00:37:16,190 the whole Stepford thing? 508 00:37:35,118 --> 00:37:38,281 - Hey, yeah! - Only one can survive. 509 00:37:38,488 --> 00:37:41,321 Zeus! Zeus! Zeus! Zeus! 510 00:37:41,525 --> 00:37:43,686 Zeus! Zeus! Zeus! Zeus! 511 00:37:43,894 --> 00:37:48,263 - Zeus! Zeus! Zeus! Zeus! Zeus! - Come on, Kresbo baby. 512 00:37:48,465 --> 00:37:49,693 - Zeus! Zeus! - Rip her bra off! 513 00:37:49,900 --> 00:37:51,891 Zeus! Zeus! Zeus! 514 00:37:52,102 --> 00:37:53,228 Yeah! 515 00:37:53,437 --> 00:37:57,897 - Yeah! - Zeus rules the universe! 516 00:37:59,476 --> 00:38:03,435 And Ted owes Walter 20 big ones! 517 00:38:04,181 --> 00:38:06,081 Ah, to be a man. 518 00:38:10,420 --> 00:38:12,888 So, Walt, 519 00:38:13,223 --> 00:38:16,158 you and Stepford, it seems like a real match. 520 00:38:16,360 --> 00:38:22,026 l'll say. l mean, the town and the houses. This place. 521 00:38:22,232 --> 00:38:24,359 Well, it's like a dream. lt's like... 522 00:38:24,568 --> 00:38:26,695 Like the way life was meant to be. 523 00:38:27,371 --> 00:38:31,137 And all of your wives. Oh, my God. 524 00:38:31,341 --> 00:38:35,471 Oh, my God. They're so... So... 525 00:38:35,912 --> 00:38:37,470 Sweet? 526 00:38:37,681 --> 00:38:39,273 Sizzling? 527 00:38:39,483 --> 00:38:40,814 Super fine? 528 00:39:04,274 --> 00:39:05,468 Well... 529 00:39:06,943 --> 00:39:10,174 We are all so thrilled to be here at the Stepford Book Club, 530 00:39:10,380 --> 00:39:12,575 l can't tell you. 531 00:39:13,684 --> 00:39:16,517 Now, l have just finished the third volume 532 00:39:16,720 --> 00:39:19,211 of Robert Caro's Life of Lyndon Johnson, 533 00:39:19,423 --> 00:39:23,792 and l am dying for the next installment. 534 00:39:24,361 --> 00:39:26,022 Well... 535 00:39:26,229 --> 00:39:30,563 That's all marvelous, but today we are going to discuss... 536 00:39:30,767 --> 00:39:35,534 Well, it is probably the most important book any of us will ever read. 537 00:39:35,739 --> 00:39:39,539 Yes, it is provocative, but it is also inspiring. 538 00:39:41,111 --> 00:39:44,808 The Heritage Hills Special Edition Golden Deluxe Treasury 539 00:39:45,048 --> 00:39:48,484 of Christmas Keepsakes and CoIIectibIes. 540 00:39:57,894 --> 00:39:59,088 This book said to me, 541 00:39:59,296 --> 00:40:03,665 ''Let's celebrate the birth of our Lord Jesus Christ with yarn.'' 542 00:40:05,869 --> 00:40:09,566 Now, Bobbie, we all realize you're probably feeling a bit uncomfortable 543 00:40:09,773 --> 00:40:11,400 with this week's book because you're... 544 00:40:11,608 --> 00:40:14,338 - Oh, what's the word l'm looking for? - New? 545 00:40:14,544 --> 00:40:16,011 - Scared? - Cranky? 546 00:40:16,380 --> 00:40:18,575 - Jewish. - Same thing. 547 00:40:18,782 --> 00:40:21,580 But the Heritage Hill series is very inclusive. 548 00:40:21,952 --> 00:40:25,718 ln fact, there is a whole chapter about Hanukkah. 549 00:40:26,223 --> 00:40:28,783 l just love the chapter on pinecones. 550 00:40:28,992 --> 00:40:31,426 They're not just for wreaths and centerpieces. 551 00:40:31,628 --> 00:40:35,223 You can use pinecones to create a very special Yuletide menorah. 552 00:40:35,432 --> 00:40:37,263 Your pinecone snowman could be Jewish. 553 00:40:37,467 --> 00:40:39,059 Just add one of those little beanies. 554 00:40:39,736 --> 00:40:41,863 Or maybe l could just use hundreds of pinecones 555 00:40:42,072 --> 00:40:44,267 to spell out the words ''Big Jew'' 556 00:40:44,474 --> 00:40:48,843 in letters 1 5 feet tall in the snow in my front yard. 557 00:40:53,216 --> 00:40:55,878 That's a wonderful idea. 558 00:40:56,086 --> 00:40:58,748 - Oh, yes, yes. - That's very wonderful. 559 00:40:58,955 --> 00:41:00,946 - Yes. - She's so smart. 560 00:41:01,158 --> 00:41:03,854 l love the idea of creating a life-sized Santa Claus, 561 00:41:04,060 --> 00:41:06,620 - all out of pinecones. - OK, l love that. 562 00:41:07,130 --> 00:41:10,930 l'm going to use a pinecone in my nativity as the baby Jesus. 563 00:41:11,568 --> 00:41:14,230 And l'm going to attach a pinecone to my vibrator 564 00:41:14,438 --> 00:41:17,669 and have a really merry Christmas. 565 00:41:20,811 --> 00:41:22,676 Here comes Santa CIaus Here comes Santa CIaus 566 00:41:22,879 --> 00:41:24,403 Right down Santa CIaus Lane 567 00:41:24,848 --> 00:41:28,909 He's got a bag that's fiIIed with toys For the boys and girIs again 568 00:41:29,119 --> 00:41:32,646 Hear those sIeigh beIIs jingIe jangIe What a beautifuI sight 569 00:41:32,856 --> 00:41:36,417 So jump in bed, cover up your head Because Santa CIaus comes tonight 570 00:41:36,626 --> 00:41:39,117 - Who? - Santa CIaus comes tonight 571 00:41:41,097 --> 00:41:43,531 Joanna, how is she fitting in? 572 00:41:43,733 --> 00:41:45,064 Well... 573 00:41:46,736 --> 00:41:48,431 OK... 574 00:41:48,772 --> 00:41:50,137 l'm among friends, right? 575 00:41:50,340 --> 00:41:51,329 - Of course. - Yeah. 576 00:41:51,541 --> 00:41:52,769 So... 577 00:41:53,543 --> 00:41:56,637 Joanna and l had this big talk, 578 00:41:56,847 --> 00:41:58,371 and we were really open with each other. 579 00:41:58,582 --> 00:42:02,313 l mean, we really got it all out. 580 00:42:02,519 --> 00:42:03,918 And l think from now on... 581 00:42:05,889 --> 00:42:08,084 ...she's gonna be very, very different. 582 00:42:12,596 --> 00:42:16,088 You think Joanna's really going to change? 583 00:42:16,766 --> 00:42:19,758 Yes, l do. Absolutely. 584 00:42:20,971 --> 00:42:23,132 And how long have you been married? 585 00:42:32,749 --> 00:42:34,546 - Ted! - Yes. 586 00:42:34,751 --> 00:42:36,844 Don't you owe Walter $20? 587 00:42:42,592 --> 00:42:44,719 That's absolutely right, l do. 588 00:42:45,562 --> 00:42:47,223 Babe! 589 00:42:55,805 --> 00:42:57,363 Yes, darling? 590 00:42:57,574 --> 00:43:00,543 Walt, sit down. 591 00:43:04,881 --> 00:43:06,712 l need 20. 592 00:43:06,917 --> 00:43:09,818 - You know my PlN. - Of course. 593 00:43:59,202 --> 00:44:00,965 She gives singles. 594 00:44:33,103 --> 00:44:35,003 Are these all for day camp tomorrow? 595 00:44:35,205 --> 00:44:38,436 l just want you to be proud of me, honey. 596 00:44:39,442 --> 00:44:41,239 Dad, watch this. 597 00:44:41,444 --> 00:44:43,241 Ball. 598 00:44:45,849 --> 00:44:49,808 - Aren't robots cool? - Oh, yeah. 599 00:44:50,220 --> 00:44:52,620 May l speak to the man of the house? 600 00:44:53,156 --> 00:44:55,249 - Snot-butt. - Funkmaster Markowitz. 601 00:44:55,458 --> 00:44:58,484 - Stone-cold Thriller Killer Kresbo. - Cupcakes, anyone? 602 00:44:58,695 --> 00:45:00,526 - Cupcakes! - Cupcakes. 603 00:45:00,730 --> 00:45:02,061 Hey, right on time. 604 00:45:02,265 --> 00:45:03,857 Jo, these are smoking. 605 00:45:04,067 --> 00:45:06,262 - Why don't you make stuff like this? - Why don't you? 606 00:45:06,569 --> 00:45:09,094 Because l have a penis. 607 00:45:09,506 --> 00:45:11,872 - We should get moving. - Yeah, we got a meeting. 608 00:45:12,075 --> 00:45:16,273 - At the Men's Association. - When will you be home, honey? 609 00:45:19,916 --> 00:45:21,907 When l'm home. 610 00:45:41,771 --> 00:45:44,001 Call a sitter. 611 00:45:52,148 --> 00:45:54,309 Bobbie, are you sure about this? 612 00:45:54,517 --> 00:45:57,645 We're not spying. We're just visiting. 613 00:45:57,854 --> 00:46:00,721 Fellas, l can't tell you how happy we are 614 00:46:00,924 --> 00:46:02,255 to welcome all of this new blood. 615 00:46:02,459 --> 00:46:04,154 - You said it, Mike. - That's right. 616 00:46:04,360 --> 00:46:06,988 l love, love this space. 617 00:46:07,430 --> 00:46:10,593 lt's very Ralph Lauren meets Sherlock Holmes. 618 00:46:10,800 --> 00:46:12,392 lt says, ''l have taste and a scrotum.'' 619 00:46:12,602 --> 00:46:13,796 - Roger, you promised. - What? 620 00:46:14,003 --> 00:46:15,937 - Whore. - Bore. 621 00:46:16,439 --> 00:46:17,701 - Sorry. - No, no, no. 622 00:46:17,907 --> 00:46:20,671 Jerry, you're gonna find that Stepford is very open-minded. 623 00:46:20,877 --> 00:46:23,209 - Oh, yeah. - We welcome you and your partner, 624 00:46:23,413 --> 00:46:24,846 just like any other couple. 625 00:46:25,048 --> 00:46:26,345 Absolutely. Any other. 626 00:46:26,549 --> 00:46:28,210 - That's right. - Girlfriend. 627 00:46:30,220 --> 00:46:32,848 Miss... Miss Thing. 628 00:46:33,923 --> 00:46:37,620 - To Stepford! - Stepford! 629 00:46:39,996 --> 00:46:41,429 You bet. 630 00:46:41,631 --> 00:46:43,121 Yeah. 631 00:46:46,736 --> 00:46:48,135 Damn. Come on, let's go. 632 00:46:48,338 --> 00:46:50,806 You think this is all right, sneaking around? 633 00:46:51,007 --> 00:46:52,372 Add it up. 634 00:46:52,575 --> 00:46:56,375 All the women around here are perfect sex-kitten bimbos. 635 00:46:56,579 --> 00:46:59,207 All the men are drooling nerds. 636 00:46:59,415 --> 00:47:01,610 - Doesn't that seem strange? - Not to me. 637 00:47:01,818 --> 00:47:03,786 - Why not? - l work in television. 638 00:47:03,987 --> 00:47:06,080 Oh, come on. 639 00:47:06,856 --> 00:47:08,847 You know, Walter, l think Joanna is right. 640 00:47:09,058 --> 00:47:11,151 - l think Stepford is the answer. - She's a great gal. 641 00:47:11,361 --> 00:47:13,386 Or she will be. 642 00:47:18,501 --> 00:47:21,800 - Come on, help me up. - We shouldn't be here. 643 00:47:22,005 --> 00:47:24,496 Oh, come on. Don't be such a chicken. 644 00:47:24,707 --> 00:47:28,404 - l should be home with my cupcakes. - Why? 645 00:47:28,611 --> 00:47:31,079 Because you only made 5,000 of them? 646 00:47:31,281 --> 00:47:35,377 - We're trespassing. - Only if we get caught. 647 00:47:36,553 --> 00:47:38,851 Damn, l can't see a thing. 648 00:47:39,055 --> 00:47:40,545 Oh, there's the light. There it is. 649 00:47:40,757 --> 00:47:42,987 No, Bobbie. 650 00:47:58,708 --> 00:48:01,006 This is like some alien freak show. 651 00:48:01,211 --> 00:48:03,304 Why? They're just family portraits. 652 00:48:03,513 --> 00:48:04,775 Yeah, that's what l said. 653 00:48:09,552 --> 00:48:11,179 The lights. 654 00:48:14,757 --> 00:48:16,918 We should get out of here. 655 00:48:20,263 --> 00:48:22,163 Should we run? 656 00:48:28,037 --> 00:48:29,664 Oh, my God. 657 00:49:03,106 --> 00:49:05,006 Clarice? 658 00:49:06,142 --> 00:49:08,474 - Hi, girls! - Roger! 659 00:49:08,678 --> 00:49:10,111 You scared us. 660 00:49:10,313 --> 00:49:12,247 - What are you doing in here? - What's going on? 661 00:49:12,448 --> 00:49:15,349 Do they have hookers or old PIayboys or cable porn? 662 00:49:15,551 --> 00:49:17,781 Oh, please. They barely have throw pillows. 663 00:49:19,889 --> 00:49:22,016 - They're coming. - The menfolk. 664 00:49:22,225 --> 00:49:24,125 - Call us. - OK. 665 00:49:25,261 --> 00:49:27,024 Rog? 666 00:49:29,132 --> 00:49:31,623 What was it? Did you see anyone? 667 00:49:31,834 --> 00:49:33,028 Not a soul. 668 00:49:33,236 --> 00:49:36,330 But what's back here anyway, in all of these rooms? 669 00:49:36,539 --> 00:49:38,131 Storage? Sweaters? 670 00:49:38,341 --> 00:49:39,740 Bodies? 671 00:49:40,143 --> 00:49:43,579 - Jerry. - Do you see that door on your left? 672 00:49:44,447 --> 00:49:46,278 Check it out. 673 00:49:46,482 --> 00:49:48,143 Oh, boy. 674 00:49:51,521 --> 00:49:53,682 Why, l can't see anything. lt's dark. 675 00:49:53,890 --> 00:49:55,255 Use your flashlight. 676 00:49:55,458 --> 00:49:59,690 l feel like Nancy Drew in The Mystery of the Mid-Iife Crisis. 677 00:50:06,436 --> 00:50:07,664 What am l looking for? 678 00:50:08,104 --> 00:50:09,833 Look down. 679 00:50:23,653 --> 00:50:25,450 Jerry? 680 00:50:30,126 --> 00:50:32,185 Roger! 681 00:50:33,629 --> 00:50:34,823 Roger! 682 00:50:35,031 --> 00:50:37,522 - Bobbie. - Roger! 683 00:50:37,734 --> 00:50:40,965 - Bobbie? - Roger! 684 00:50:42,271 --> 00:50:45,399 Roger said there was nothing going on at the Men's Association. 685 00:50:45,608 --> 00:50:47,576 Well, then why doesn't he answer the phone? 686 00:50:47,777 --> 00:50:49,574 - lt's been two days. - Bobbie. 687 00:50:49,779 --> 00:50:51,747 Roger! 688 00:50:51,948 --> 00:50:53,848 Roger! 689 00:50:57,153 --> 00:51:01,249 lsn't that his favorite shirt, the Dolce & Gabbana? 690 00:51:06,195 --> 00:51:07,719 The Guccis. 691 00:51:07,930 --> 00:51:10,296 - And the Versace. - Maybe he's donating them. 692 00:51:10,500 --> 00:51:12,832 To what? The gay homeless? 693 00:51:13,770 --> 00:51:15,135 He loved this. 694 00:51:16,406 --> 00:51:19,034 His program from Hairspray. 695 00:51:19,242 --> 00:51:21,210 - Oh, my God. - What is it? 696 00:51:23,513 --> 00:51:25,344 Viggo. 697 00:51:42,532 --> 00:51:44,727 Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. l'm Jerry Harmon, and l... 698 00:51:44,934 --> 00:51:49,371 l know l'm pretty new here, but already l feel so at home. 699 00:51:49,839 --> 00:51:51,704 Why did Jerry ask us to meet him here? 700 00:51:52,275 --> 00:51:56,974 Proud that l can introduce Stepford's brand-new candidate for state senate. 701 00:51:57,180 --> 00:52:02,208 Ladies and gentlemen, l give you Mr. Roger Bannister. 702 00:52:02,418 --> 00:52:03,851 What? 703 00:52:09,392 --> 00:52:11,087 He's wonderful. 704 00:52:21,003 --> 00:52:22,197 Thank you. 705 00:52:22,738 --> 00:52:24,729 Thank you so much. 706 00:52:25,007 --> 00:52:27,999 You may very well ask, what are my qualifications for higher office? 707 00:52:28,211 --> 00:52:33,513 Well, l believe in Stepford, America and the power of prayer. 708 00:52:33,716 --> 00:52:36,947 Values l've discovered thanks to my partner, 709 00:52:37,153 --> 00:52:40,554 in life and in the Lord, Jerry Harmon. 710 00:52:44,794 --> 00:52:46,318 Roger. Roger. 711 00:52:46,529 --> 00:52:48,759 Yes. ls there a question? Mrs. Markowitz? 712 00:52:49,732 --> 00:52:52,792 So you two are happy now? 713 00:52:53,002 --> 00:52:55,596 More than ever. Because now l know that being gay doesn't mean 714 00:52:55,805 --> 00:52:59,832 a guy has to be effeminate or flamboyant or sensitive. 715 00:53:00,042 --> 00:53:01,839 - l'm no sissy. - No. 716 00:53:02,044 --> 00:53:03,671 - Way to go, Roger! - That's a man! 717 00:53:03,880 --> 00:53:07,077 - Roger? - Yes. Mrs. Walter Kresby. 718 00:53:07,283 --> 00:53:09,751 Roger, l don't understand. You were out there, you were Roger. 719 00:53:09,952 --> 00:53:11,351 And now... 720 00:53:11,554 --> 00:53:13,317 Now you're different. Your hair, your clothes. 721 00:53:13,523 --> 00:53:16,492 - You're like someone else. - People change. 722 00:53:16,692 --> 00:53:18,455 You can't stop Stepford. 723 00:53:18,661 --> 00:53:22,529 You can't stop Stepford. You can't stop Stepford. 724 00:53:22,732 --> 00:53:26,031 You can't stop Stepford. You can't stop Stepford. 725 00:53:26,235 --> 00:53:29,329 You can't stop Stepford. You can't stop Stepford. 726 00:53:29,539 --> 00:53:32,838 You can't stop Stepford. You can't stop Stepford. 727 00:53:33,042 --> 00:53:35,533 You can't stop Stepford. You can't stop Stepford. 728 00:53:35,745 --> 00:53:39,044 You can't stop Stepford. You can't stop Stepford. 729 00:53:39,248 --> 00:53:41,910 You can't stop Stepford. You can't stop Stepford. 730 00:53:42,118 --> 00:53:44,609 You can't stop Stepford. You can't stop Stepford. 731 00:53:44,820 --> 00:53:47,687 You can't stop Stepford. You can't stop Stepford. 732 00:53:47,890 --> 00:53:49,323 So that's why we have to leave Stepford? 733 00:53:49,525 --> 00:53:51,789 - l'm not following. - OK. 734 00:53:51,994 --> 00:53:56,590 Before, Roger was witty and stylish and ironic. 735 00:53:56,799 --> 00:53:58,562 - And l'm sure he still is. - No. 736 00:53:58,768 --> 00:54:01,635 Now he's making speeches in a Brooks Brothers suit. 737 00:54:01,837 --> 00:54:03,668 Hey, there's lots of ways to be gay. 738 00:54:03,873 --> 00:54:07,001 Don't try to make him into a stereotype. 739 00:54:08,110 --> 00:54:10,670 Bobbie is right, and she's leaving too. 740 00:54:10,880 --> 00:54:13,747 This place does something to people. 741 00:54:14,383 --> 00:54:18,149 All of the women are always busy and perfect and smiling, 742 00:54:18,354 --> 00:54:20,185 and all of the men are always happy. 743 00:54:20,389 --> 00:54:24,348 - And that's a problem because...? - Because it's not normal, Walter. 744 00:54:24,560 --> 00:54:27,859 lt's... lt's not the world. lt's not us. 745 00:54:28,564 --> 00:54:31,226 And l'm picking up our kids from camp right now, 746 00:54:31,434 --> 00:54:34,335 and we're getting out of here. 747 00:54:35,871 --> 00:54:38,396 With or without you. 748 00:54:57,660 --> 00:54:59,594 Secure. 749 00:55:00,896 --> 00:55:02,864 You'll never change, will you? 750 00:55:03,733 --> 00:55:05,564 Not really. 751 00:55:05,768 --> 00:55:07,463 Open the door. 752 00:55:14,243 --> 00:55:16,336 UnIock front. 753 00:55:16,812 --> 00:55:18,712 And you're right. 754 00:55:22,618 --> 00:55:24,108 About what? 755 00:55:26,255 --> 00:55:30,248 lf you're that unhappy, then we should move. 756 00:55:30,459 --> 00:55:32,950 Maybe head back to the city. 757 00:55:33,362 --> 00:55:35,626 We could leave tomorrow. 758 00:55:37,266 --> 00:55:38,665 Thank you. 759 00:55:43,039 --> 00:55:44,631 Thank you. 760 00:56:19,408 --> 00:56:23,469 What do you got there? Huh? 761 00:57:35,251 --> 00:57:37,276 Sweetcakes? 762 00:57:37,987 --> 00:57:40,387 lt's 4 a.m. What are you up to? 763 00:57:40,589 --> 00:57:44,047 Just recipes for tomorrow. l like to get a head start. 764 00:57:44,260 --> 00:57:47,024 - On what? - Apple pie. Bobbie recommended it. 765 00:57:47,229 --> 00:57:49,129 l'll be right up. 766 00:57:52,168 --> 00:57:53,635 Walter? 767 00:57:55,337 --> 00:57:56,895 Babe? 768 00:58:20,362 --> 00:58:23,923 Bobbie? Bobbie! 769 00:58:26,902 --> 00:58:28,199 Oh, my God. 770 00:58:38,414 --> 00:58:40,245 Bobbie? 771 00:58:54,129 --> 00:58:56,461 Good morning, Joanna. 772 00:59:00,202 --> 00:59:01,931 lsn't it a lovely morning? 773 00:59:04,206 --> 00:59:05,571 That's a pretty color. 774 00:59:05,774 --> 00:59:06,866 - Mom! - Mom! 775 00:59:07,076 --> 00:59:09,067 Good morning, my precious ones. 776 00:59:09,278 --> 00:59:12,873 And thank you for leaving your requests on my e-mail. 777 00:59:13,082 --> 00:59:16,245 Adam, you wanted peanut butter and jelly, no crusts, 778 00:59:16,452 --> 00:59:18,613 a Snickers bar and a Rolex. 779 00:59:18,821 --> 00:59:20,812 Ben, here's a whole-wheat burrito, 780 00:59:21,023 --> 00:59:24,459 a soy protein shake and three pieces of German chocolate layer cake. 781 00:59:24,660 --> 00:59:26,753 - From scratch? - Of course. 782 00:59:26,962 --> 00:59:29,522 And, Max, you get bacon, lettuce and tomato 783 00:59:29,732 --> 00:59:31,529 on a lightly-toasted sesame seed bagel. 784 00:59:31,734 --> 00:59:33,201 But what about my action figures? 785 00:59:33,402 --> 00:59:34,869 There's Mace Windu and Amidala. 786 00:59:35,070 --> 00:59:37,163 - Where's Boba Fett? - They were out. 787 00:59:37,373 --> 00:59:40,171 - Mom! - Here's $500. 788 00:59:40,709 --> 00:59:42,836 All right. 789 00:59:43,045 --> 00:59:45,206 Bye, Mom. Bye, Joanna. 790 00:59:45,414 --> 00:59:48,110 Oh, they grow up so fast. l think l'll have three more. 791 00:59:48,317 --> 00:59:50,945 Bobbie, listen to me. What have they done to you, huh? 792 00:59:51,153 --> 00:59:53,883 What have they done to you? ls it drugs? 793 00:59:54,089 --> 00:59:57,547 ls it brainwashing? Come on, hey, talk to me. 794 00:59:57,760 --> 01:00:00,228 Of course, but only for a minute. Then l have to get to work 795 01:00:00,429 --> 01:00:02,454 on this pigsty. Coffee? 796 01:00:02,665 --> 01:00:04,565 No, no coffee. Bobbie, Bobbie. 797 01:00:04,767 --> 01:00:07,565 Last night l went online, all right? And l found out, 798 01:00:07,770 --> 01:00:09,738 all of the women here, they used to be big deals, 799 01:00:09,939 --> 01:00:10,963 l mean, big deals. 800 01:00:11,173 --> 01:00:13,437 CEOs, executives, judges. 801 01:00:13,642 --> 01:00:16,543 Sarah Sunderson, she used to run an airline. 802 01:00:16,745 --> 01:00:18,872 With that perfect skin. 803 01:00:19,081 --> 01:00:21,208 No. No, no, no. She didn't used to look like that. 804 01:00:21,417 --> 01:00:23,078 - None of the women did. They... - Coffee? 805 01:00:23,586 --> 01:00:25,816 Coffee? No. No coffee. 806 01:00:26,021 --> 01:00:30,082 Bobbie. Bobbie. This isn't you. 807 01:00:30,459 --> 01:00:33,826 That's right, Joanna. This isn't me. 808 01:00:34,029 --> 01:00:36,122 lt's a whole new me. 809 01:00:36,332 --> 01:00:39,961 l'm happy and l'm healthy because l understand 810 01:00:40,169 --> 01:00:42,160 - what's important in life. - Yes. 811 01:00:42,371 --> 01:00:43,599 - Your new book. - That's right. 812 01:00:43,806 --> 01:00:45,933 That's what's important, my new cookbook. 813 01:00:46,141 --> 01:00:49,702 And my husband and my family and making a perfect home. 814 01:00:49,912 --> 01:00:51,937 lt's a lesson every gal needs to learn. 815 01:00:52,147 --> 01:00:53,273 Especially you. 816 01:00:53,482 --> 01:00:56,610 l'm your friend, Joanna. l'm going to help you. 817 01:00:56,819 --> 01:00:58,343 - You need me. - You stay away from me. 818 01:00:58,554 --> 01:00:59,919 You're driven. 819 01:01:00,122 --> 01:01:02,386 - Well, sometimes. - And you're selfish. 820 01:01:02,691 --> 01:01:05,159 - You wanna rule the world. - No. 821 01:01:05,361 --> 01:01:08,797 l can fix you. l can change you. 822 01:01:08,998 --> 01:01:13,492 What...have...they...done to you? 823 01:01:14,336 --> 01:01:15,701 Let's get busy. 824 01:01:18,140 --> 01:01:20,404 Answer the phone. 825 01:01:20,609 --> 01:01:23,544 Hello, is...? ls this the day camp? 826 01:01:23,746 --> 01:01:24,974 Oh. 827 01:01:25,180 --> 01:01:29,344 Yes, this is... This is Joanna Eberhart. l would like to speak to my children. 828 01:01:29,551 --> 01:01:32,645 l'm coming to pick them up right now. 829 01:01:34,923 --> 01:01:36,413 What? 830 01:01:40,329 --> 01:01:42,354 Walter! 831 01:01:42,865 --> 01:01:44,765 Walter, where are you? 832 01:01:44,967 --> 01:01:47,060 l know you've got the kids. 833 01:01:47,269 --> 01:01:49,601 Pete, Kimberly! 834 01:02:52,101 --> 01:02:54,535 Oh, boys. 835 01:02:56,505 --> 01:02:57,563 Welcome. 836 01:03:15,224 --> 01:03:16,555 Where are my children? 837 01:03:16,759 --> 01:03:19,922 - They're perfectly safe. - Where are my children? 838 01:03:20,896 --> 01:03:23,126 - You'll see them soon. - Where's Walter? 839 01:03:29,838 --> 01:03:31,965 How could you do this? 840 01:03:32,841 --> 01:03:36,709 Ever since we met, you've beaten me at everything. 841 01:03:36,912 --> 01:03:38,311 You're better educated. 842 01:03:38,814 --> 01:03:40,611 You're stronger, you're faster. 843 01:03:40,816 --> 01:03:43,148 You're a better dancer, a better tennis player. 844 01:03:43,452 --> 01:03:45,352 You've always earned at least six figures more 845 01:03:45,554 --> 01:03:47,454 than l could ever dream of. 846 01:03:47,856 --> 01:03:49,483 You're a better speaker, 847 01:03:49,691 --> 01:03:51,989 a better executive. 848 01:03:52,828 --> 01:03:54,887 You're even better at sex. Don't deny it. 849 01:03:55,731 --> 01:03:57,631 l wasn't going to. 850 01:03:58,300 --> 01:03:59,597 Well, don't l get anything? 851 01:03:59,802 --> 01:04:00,962 You got me. 852 01:04:01,236 --> 01:04:03,204 No, l got to hold your purse. 853 01:04:03,405 --> 01:04:06,431 l got to tell the kids that you'd be late again. 854 01:04:06,642 --> 01:04:09,167 l got to tell the press that you had no comment. 855 01:04:09,378 --> 01:04:10,743 l got to work for you. 856 01:04:10,946 --> 01:04:12,004 With me. 857 01:04:12,214 --> 01:04:14,114 Under you. 858 01:04:14,383 --> 01:04:16,078 All of us. 859 01:04:16,285 --> 01:04:18,719 We married wonder women. 860 01:04:18,921 --> 01:04:20,786 Supergirls. 861 01:04:20,989 --> 01:04:23,981 Amazon queens. Well, you know what that makes us? 862 01:04:24,359 --> 01:04:27,795 Smart, worthy, lucky. 863 01:04:27,996 --> 01:04:29,759 We're the wuss. 864 01:04:30,499 --> 01:04:32,160 The wind beneath your wings. 865 01:04:32,367 --> 01:04:34,096 Your support system. 866 01:04:34,303 --> 01:04:35,793 - We're the girl. - And we don't like it. 867 01:04:36,004 --> 01:04:37,335 - No, we don't. - Yeah, that's right. 868 01:04:37,539 --> 01:04:39,131 - You're damn right. - Yeah. That's right. 869 01:04:39,341 --> 01:04:41,571 And is this your answer, to kill us? 870 01:04:41,777 --> 01:04:45,235 Oh, no. Nothing like that. We help you. We perfect you. 871 01:04:45,447 --> 01:04:47,108 By turning us into robots? 872 01:04:47,416 --> 01:04:50,351 Does any fraction of these women still exist? 873 01:04:50,552 --> 01:04:53,680 Of course. Almost everything. 874 01:04:53,889 --> 01:04:56,517 - Shall we show her? - Show me what? 875 01:04:56,725 --> 01:05:01,662 lt's a promotional thing l've been working on for when we go global. 876 01:05:02,531 --> 01:05:05,125 Walter, l don't think you've seen this. 877 01:05:18,046 --> 01:05:20,310 Some guys ask, how do we do it? 878 01:05:20,515 --> 01:05:23,712 In Iayman's terms, it's reaIIy pretty simpIe. 879 01:05:23,919 --> 01:05:25,853 Come on aIong. 880 01:05:32,694 --> 01:05:35,891 First, we take a gIoomy, dissatisfied woman. 881 01:05:36,098 --> 01:05:40,831 Then, in a very private experience between husband and wife, 882 01:05:41,036 --> 01:05:45,666 he gentIy pIaces her in our femaIe improvement system. 883 01:05:47,042 --> 01:05:49,272 It's fuIIy automated. 884 01:05:49,478 --> 01:05:51,446 And then, abracadabra. 885 01:05:51,647 --> 01:05:53,808 Her transformation begins. 886 01:05:54,016 --> 01:05:57,349 First, we Iocate her brain. 887 01:05:57,552 --> 01:06:00,544 We insert a few nanochips. 888 01:06:00,756 --> 01:06:02,018 Then we program them. 889 01:06:03,091 --> 01:06:05,685 AIso, we add some secret, speciaI ingredients. 890 01:06:09,531 --> 01:06:11,328 To avoid any accidents, 891 01:06:11,533 --> 01:06:14,764 her husband is kept at a comfortabIe distance. 892 01:06:14,970 --> 01:06:16,835 Safety first. 893 01:06:20,342 --> 01:06:22,537 FinaIIy, we enhance her, 894 01:06:22,744 --> 01:06:26,874 to fit the ideaI Stepford Wife specifications. 895 01:06:27,082 --> 01:06:28,049 And... 896 01:06:29,351 --> 01:06:30,716 ...voiIa! 897 01:06:34,790 --> 01:06:37,281 Everything is copasetic. 898 01:06:40,162 --> 01:06:41,322 WeIcome to the future. 899 01:06:46,535 --> 01:06:47,832 lt's a painting again. 900 01:06:50,772 --> 01:06:52,672 l should explain. You see, 901 01:06:53,108 --> 01:06:55,269 my real name isn't Mike. 902 01:06:55,477 --> 01:06:57,741 lt's just a nickname from where l used to work. 903 01:06:58,113 --> 01:07:00,604 - Where? - Microsoft. 904 01:07:01,149 --> 01:07:02,980 - NASA. - Disney. 905 01:07:03,719 --> 01:07:04,686 AOL. 906 01:07:04,886 --> 01:07:06,410 ls that why the women are so slow? 907 01:07:06,955 --> 01:07:07,922 Joanna. 908 01:07:08,290 --> 01:07:11,589 ls this what you really want? 909 01:07:12,094 --> 01:07:14,028 Women who behave like slaves, 910 01:07:14,229 --> 01:07:17,824 women who are obsessed with cleaning their kitchens 911 01:07:18,033 --> 01:07:19,000 and doing their hair, 912 01:07:19,201 --> 01:07:21,829 women who never challenge you in any way, 913 01:07:22,037 --> 01:07:24,699 women who exist only to wait on you hand and foot? 914 01:07:25,240 --> 01:07:26,571 - Yeah. - That sounds good to me. 915 01:07:26,775 --> 01:07:28,572 Joanna, you're a brilliant woman. 916 01:07:28,777 --> 01:07:30,802 Surely you can appreciate, at the very least, 917 01:07:31,013 --> 01:07:32,446 the genius of the concept. 918 01:07:32,647 --> 01:07:35,844 Picture, if you could streamline your spouse, 919 01:07:36,618 --> 01:07:39,781 if you could overhaul every annoying habit, 920 01:07:39,988 --> 01:07:41,649 every physical flaw, 921 01:07:41,857 --> 01:07:45,122 every moment of whining and nagging and farting in bed. 922 01:07:45,327 --> 01:07:46,851 lmagine... 923 01:07:47,229 --> 01:07:49,823 ...if you could enjoy the person you loved, 924 01:07:50,032 --> 01:07:51,727 but only at their very best. 925 01:07:53,568 --> 01:07:57,231 And the only reason for your anger, 926 01:07:57,806 --> 01:08:01,037 your resentment, your rage is really very simple. 927 01:08:01,343 --> 01:08:04,244 You're furious because we thought of it first. 928 01:08:04,446 --> 01:08:05,743 While you were trying to become men, 929 01:08:05,947 --> 01:08:07,881 we decided to become gods. 930 01:08:09,918 --> 01:08:10,885 Let me ask you something, 931 01:08:11,086 --> 01:08:14,749 these machines, these Stepford Wives, 932 01:08:14,956 --> 01:08:16,514 can they say, ''l love you''? 933 01:08:18,026 --> 01:08:18,993 Mike. 934 01:08:19,361 --> 01:08:20,419 Of course. 935 01:08:20,629 --> 01:08:21,857 Fifty-eight languages. 936 01:08:24,099 --> 01:08:25,930 But do they mean it? 937 01:08:55,597 --> 01:08:56,859 Enjoy. 938 01:09:33,935 --> 01:09:35,630 Walter. 939 01:09:57,425 --> 01:09:58,790 Walt. 940 01:10:10,071 --> 01:10:12,869 Joanna. Right here. 941 01:10:58,119 --> 01:11:01,054 - Sarah. - Claire. 942 01:11:09,030 --> 01:11:11,931 - Marianne. - Charmaine. 943 01:11:16,338 --> 01:11:18,863 - Roger. - Roberta. 944 01:11:57,379 --> 01:11:59,506 Oh, Mike! 945 01:12:02,984 --> 01:12:04,747 Mike, Mike, Mike! 946 01:12:04,953 --> 01:12:08,286 Mike, Mike, Mike! Mike, Mike, Mike! 947 01:12:15,797 --> 01:12:17,526 Good evening, everyone. 948 01:12:17,732 --> 01:12:19,063 What a delight to see 949 01:12:19,367 --> 01:12:22,894 all of our wonderful wives and their happy, happy husbands. 950 01:12:23,104 --> 01:12:27,063 Tonight is truly the highlight of our year because tonight 951 01:12:27,275 --> 01:12:31,473 we honor our very newest citizens of Stepford. 952 01:12:31,680 --> 01:12:34,478 ln my opinion, they are the cream of the crop in couple 953 01:12:34,883 --> 01:12:37,147 that proudly proclaims Stepford 954 01:12:38,920 --> 01:12:40,319 the American way of love. 955 01:13:08,350 --> 01:13:10,011 Now... 956 01:13:11,820 --> 01:13:14,414 ...l'd like to ask my wonderful woman, my lovely wife, 957 01:13:14,622 --> 01:13:16,021 my bride, my best friend, 958 01:13:16,424 --> 01:13:20,121 to join me in a glorious midsummer night's waltz. 959 01:13:37,078 --> 01:13:38,705 Yeah. 960 01:14:12,914 --> 01:14:14,245 ls everything perfect? 961 01:14:14,449 --> 01:14:15,814 Everything. 962 01:14:17,218 --> 01:14:18,981 - Mike. - Yeah. 963 01:14:19,187 --> 01:14:20,449 Darling. 964 01:14:22,056 --> 01:14:25,389 - My pleasure. - lt's an honor. 965 01:14:27,762 --> 01:14:31,061 - Champagne? - Allow me. 966 01:14:51,719 --> 01:14:53,152 Doors activate. 967 01:14:53,354 --> 01:14:56,118 WeIcome member 1 956. 968 01:14:56,324 --> 01:14:58,519 Kresby, WaIter. 969 01:15:06,301 --> 01:15:09,065 Entering secure area. 970 01:15:58,820 --> 01:16:00,117 Warning. 971 01:16:00,321 --> 01:16:02,152 Warning. 972 01:16:03,491 --> 01:16:04,515 Initiating. 973 01:16:18,172 --> 01:16:20,834 So, Joanna, are you enjoying Stepford? 974 01:16:21,042 --> 01:16:24,534 Oh, yes. The town is so splendid. 975 01:16:24,746 --> 01:16:27,340 Everyone is so kind. 976 01:16:28,249 --> 01:16:31,116 And then, of course, there's you. 977 01:16:33,755 --> 01:16:35,154 Me? 978 01:16:44,399 --> 01:16:45,457 And it's simple really. 979 01:16:45,667 --> 01:16:47,726 Honey, grab me another Scotch. 980 01:16:47,936 --> 01:16:49,927 Right away, dear. 981 01:16:55,209 --> 01:16:57,939 Begin nanoreversaI. 982 01:16:58,146 --> 01:17:00,671 Begin nanoreversaI. 983 01:17:06,154 --> 01:17:07,951 NanoreversaI compIeted. 984 01:17:11,259 --> 01:17:14,057 DeIeting Stepford program. 985 01:17:25,106 --> 01:17:27,006 FiIe corrupted. 986 01:17:27,208 --> 01:17:29,369 DeIeting vacuuming function. 987 01:17:35,783 --> 01:17:36,807 Honey. 988 01:17:37,185 --> 01:17:38,777 Oh, Herbert. 989 01:17:40,455 --> 01:17:44,949 Restoring originaI personaIity. DeIeting Stepford program. 990 01:17:48,029 --> 01:17:48,996 What is this? 991 01:17:58,239 --> 01:17:59,968 What am l wearing? 992 01:18:13,688 --> 01:18:14,677 Mike! 993 01:18:14,889 --> 01:18:16,288 Mike, there's something... 994 01:18:18,526 --> 01:18:20,551 ...unspeakable going on in the ballroom. 995 01:18:20,762 --> 01:18:22,161 You have to come right now. 996 01:18:22,363 --> 01:18:24,854 lt's an apocalypse! 997 01:18:34,976 --> 01:18:35,943 What did you do to us? 998 01:18:37,311 --> 01:18:38,710 - Mike! - Mike! 999 01:18:42,150 --> 01:18:44,141 Men, control your wives. 1000 01:18:44,519 --> 01:18:46,214 Control your wives. 1001 01:18:48,322 --> 01:18:49,619 lt's not working! 1002 01:18:56,264 --> 01:18:58,892 This is not Stepford. 1003 01:19:00,702 --> 01:19:03,227 Mike, what's happening? 1004 01:19:03,838 --> 01:19:06,466 l was in the garden, and l was dreaming of your... 1005 01:19:06,674 --> 01:19:08,801 Your smile and your after-shave. 1006 01:19:09,410 --> 01:19:10,809 And l realized... 1007 01:19:12,714 --> 01:19:14,978 ...l can do better. 1008 01:19:25,960 --> 01:19:28,428 - Walt. - She's not a robot. 1009 01:19:28,763 --> 01:19:29,730 - What? - What? 1010 01:19:29,931 --> 01:19:31,193 What, she's not a robot? 1011 01:19:31,699 --> 01:19:32,927 She never was. 1012 01:19:40,041 --> 01:19:41,235 Wait a second. 1013 01:19:42,744 --> 01:19:45,372 - l couldn't do it. - What? 1014 01:19:45,880 --> 01:19:46,847 Why not? 1015 01:19:47,448 --> 01:19:49,609 Because she's not a science project. 1016 01:19:49,817 --> 01:19:52,547 Because l didn't marry something from RadioShack. 1017 01:19:54,055 --> 01:19:55,022 That's a shame. 1018 01:19:55,690 --> 01:19:56,987 No. 1019 01:19:57,625 --> 01:19:59,286 That's a man. 1020 01:20:06,868 --> 01:20:08,130 l thought you were ready. 1021 01:20:09,303 --> 01:20:12,568 l thought... l thought you were ready. l thought l knew you. 1022 01:20:13,975 --> 01:20:15,966 You're a disgrace. 1023 01:20:18,412 --> 01:20:20,437 To everything this town stands for. 1024 01:20:22,450 --> 01:20:23,644 To the future. 1025 01:20:23,885 --> 01:20:25,750 That's right, that's right. Tell him. 1026 01:20:26,420 --> 01:20:28,115 You're gonna have to pay for that. 1027 01:20:34,095 --> 01:20:35,585 Don't you touch him. 1028 01:20:35,797 --> 01:20:37,059 No! 1029 01:21:13,034 --> 01:21:15,798 He's a Stepford Husband? 1030 01:21:17,538 --> 01:21:19,802 An angel. 1031 01:21:21,075 --> 01:21:23,543 Now he's just... 1032 01:21:24,145 --> 01:21:27,603 ...spare parts, thanks to you. 1033 01:21:27,815 --> 01:21:30,545 But what are you? Are you a person or a machine? 1034 01:21:31,118 --> 01:21:32,449 l'm a lady. 1035 01:21:32,653 --> 01:21:35,053 A real lady? 1036 01:21:35,256 --> 01:21:36,484 - Every inch. - Wait. 1037 01:21:36,691 --> 01:21:39,159 Wait, a real, real lady? Are you a human being? 1038 01:21:39,360 --> 01:21:42,796 Yes, and l may very well be the only decent human being left. 1039 01:21:42,997 --> 01:21:45,465 - ln Stepford? - ln the world! 1040 01:21:46,100 --> 01:21:47,192 She's fabulous. 1041 01:21:47,401 --> 01:21:51,531 All of this, Mike, the wives, Stepford, this was all your idea? 1042 01:21:51,739 --> 01:21:54,765 Yes. All l wanted was a better world. 1043 01:21:54,976 --> 01:21:59,640 A world where men were men and women were cherished and lovely. 1044 01:21:59,847 --> 01:22:03,078 Does anyone have a screwdriver? 1045 01:22:03,918 --> 01:22:05,146 She's nuts. 1046 01:22:14,061 --> 01:22:17,121 A world of romance and beauty, 1047 01:22:17,331 --> 01:22:21,495 of tuxedos and chiffon, a perfect world. 1048 01:22:21,702 --> 01:22:23,727 But you were married to a robot. 1049 01:22:24,205 --> 01:22:26,196 The perfect man. 1050 01:22:27,141 --> 01:22:29,575 And all l wanted was to make you, all of you... 1051 01:22:30,278 --> 01:22:31,939 ...into perfect women. 1052 01:22:32,280 --> 01:22:34,976 We don't need to be perfect. 1053 01:22:35,182 --> 01:22:36,740 How could you do this to us? 1054 01:22:36,951 --> 01:22:38,851 Because l was just like you. 1055 01:22:39,053 --> 01:22:41,419 Overstressed, overbooked, under-loved. 1056 01:22:42,456 --> 01:22:46,790 l was the world's foremost brain surgeon and genetic engineer. 1057 01:22:46,994 --> 01:22:51,624 l had top-secret contracts with the Pentagon, Apple and Mattel. 1058 01:22:51,832 --> 01:22:52,958 l was driven. 1059 01:22:53,167 --> 01:22:54,634 Exhausted. 1060 01:22:54,835 --> 01:22:58,134 Until late one night, l came home to find... 1061 01:22:59,807 --> 01:23:01,434 ...Mike. 1062 01:23:03,110 --> 01:23:05,135 With Patricia. 1063 01:23:06,380 --> 01:23:08,314 My brilliant... 1064 01:23:08,916 --> 01:23:10,713 ...blond... 1065 01:23:11,819 --> 01:23:15,721 ...2 1 -year-old research assistant. 1066 01:23:15,923 --> 01:23:18,016 lt was all so... 1067 01:23:20,461 --> 01:23:22,224 ...ugly. 1068 01:23:24,098 --> 01:23:28,330 Then early the next morning, as l gazed across the breakfast table 1069 01:23:28,536 --> 01:23:32,165 at their lifeless bodies, l thought... 1070 01:23:32,373 --> 01:23:34,568 ...''What have l done?'' 1071 01:23:34,775 --> 01:23:37,141 But more importantly... 1072 01:23:37,345 --> 01:23:40,314 ...what l could do to make the world more beautiful? 1073 01:23:40,648 --> 01:23:42,309 l had the skills. 1074 01:23:42,750 --> 01:23:46,117 But l needed help to realize my larger vision. 1075 01:23:46,320 --> 01:23:47,480 And so l made... 1076 01:23:49,223 --> 01:23:50,781 ...Mike. 1077 01:23:51,692 --> 01:23:54,456 Because he was someone other men would listen to. 1078 01:23:54,895 --> 01:23:57,227 And then l asked myself, 1079 01:23:57,431 --> 01:24:02,869 ''Where would people never notice a town full of robots? 1080 01:24:03,070 --> 01:24:05,538 ''Connecticut.'' 1081 01:24:05,740 --> 01:24:09,369 So l decided to turn back the clock, 1082 01:24:09,577 --> 01:24:12,102 to a time before overtime, 1083 01:24:12,313 --> 01:24:14,042 before quality time, 1084 01:24:14,248 --> 01:24:16,216 before women were turning themselves into robots. 1085 01:24:18,185 --> 01:24:19,675 - Back off! - Sorry. 1086 01:24:20,287 --> 01:24:22,551 Why didn't you change the men too? 1087 01:24:22,757 --> 01:24:23,724 That's next. 1088 01:24:25,292 --> 01:24:26,782 You're insane. 1089 01:24:27,328 --> 01:24:32,027 l'm in love with a waltz and a town... 1090 01:24:34,468 --> 01:24:36,527 ...and a man. 1091 01:25:30,925 --> 01:25:32,654 So, Joanna, you produced the hard-hitting documentary, 1092 01:25:32,860 --> 01:25:34,691 Stepford: The Secret of the Suburbs. 1093 01:25:34,895 --> 01:25:37,693 And won... Five Emmys, was it? 1094 01:25:37,898 --> 01:25:39,058 Oh, six. 1095 01:25:39,266 --> 01:25:41,530 - She's shy. - And so humble. 1096 01:25:41,735 --> 01:25:44,932 And, Bobbie, your ordeal has lead to a bestseller. 1097 01:25:45,139 --> 01:25:46,629 You know, l just can't hold a grudge. 1098 01:25:46,841 --> 01:25:48,468 So l've written my very first book of poetry. 1099 01:25:48,676 --> 01:25:52,544 And it's all about hope and communication 1100 01:25:52,746 --> 01:25:53,974 and the healing power of love. 1101 01:25:54,181 --> 01:25:55,443 What is it called? 1102 01:25:55,649 --> 01:25:57,640 Wait UntiI He's AsIeep, Then Cut It Off. 1103 01:25:57,852 --> 01:25:59,752 - lt's a page-turner. - l cried. 1104 01:25:59,954 --> 01:26:01,387 Now, Roger, good news. 1105 01:26:01,589 --> 01:26:04,080 You ran and won. You're in the state senate. 1106 01:26:04,558 --> 01:26:06,458 - lndependent. - Next stop, the White House. 1107 01:26:06,660 --> 01:26:09,561 - Yes, this country needs highlights. - That's our hero. 1108 01:26:09,763 --> 01:26:11,822 And, Jo, Walter really came through for you, 1109 01:26:12,032 --> 01:26:16,594 so how's your marriage now? ls everything just perfect? 1110 01:26:16,804 --> 01:26:17,771 No way. 1111 01:26:17,972 --> 01:26:20,167 But we're doing just great. 1112 01:26:20,374 --> 01:26:21,966 Because, um... 1113 01:26:22,476 --> 01:26:25,411 Because now, now we know for sure that it's not about perfection. 1114 01:26:25,613 --> 01:26:28,173 Perfect. Perfect doesn't work. 1115 01:26:28,382 --> 01:26:30,043 What about all those other husbands? 1116 01:26:30,251 --> 01:26:33,652 Are they still angry? Do they still want all these women to be robots? 1117 01:26:33,854 --> 01:26:35,446 Of course. Men are pigs. 1118 01:26:35,656 --> 01:26:39,057 They're disgusting, they're frightened, repulsive little rodents. 1119 01:26:39,260 --> 01:26:40,887 But we're trying to help them, right, Bobbie? 1120 01:26:41,095 --> 01:26:43,791 - Right. - Yes, we're trying to reeducate them. 1121 01:26:43,998 --> 01:26:45,158 And where are they? 1122 01:26:45,432 --> 01:26:47,730 Oh. Oh, they're still in Stepford. 1123 01:26:47,935 --> 01:26:49,664 Under house arrest. 1124 01:26:55,876 --> 01:26:56,843 Hey, you guys. 1125 01:26:57,044 --> 01:26:58,773 Which aisle is quilted paper towels? 1126 01:26:58,979 --> 01:27:01,243 lf l don't get the right kind, my wife's gonna kill me. 1127 01:27:01,448 --> 01:27:03,313 Oh, aisle three. And l need... 1128 01:27:03,517 --> 01:27:06,077 No talking, keep shopping.