How do you do?
Mr. Rob Zombie feels it would be a little unkind
to present this picture without just a word of friendly warning.
We are about to unfold the story of El Superbeasto,
a man of action.
It is one of the strangest tales ever told.
I think it will thrill you.
It may shock you.
It might even horrify you.
So if any of you feel that you do not care to subject your nerves
to such a strain,
now's your chance to, uh--
Well, we warned you.
All right now, bitches, listen up.
The director's on the set. The director is on the set!
Howdy-doodly-doo, ladies? Gather round, gather round.
Big Time Movie Casting is now in session.
I've got a very special porno-- I mean art film-- to shoot today.
So, time to get a-crack-a-lackin'.
You heard him. Get your asses a-crack-a-lackin'!
Now just to let you know, I'm not one of those shallow Hollywood types
that casts based on looks.
I'm all about pure talent.
I want the audience to believe in the characters,
to experience the emotions,
breathe in the spicy meatball man,
as they breathe life itself.
All right, Granny,
tell me a little about why I should ignore the fact
that you're, like, a thousand years old.
In 1910, I attended the Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts
- on full scholarship, winning the... - Next.
...stunning portrayal of Blanche Dubois.
Oh my God!
I know I'm, like, totally like a star.
I know it!
Perfect perfect!
You're hired. Next.
I dig into the inner texture of the soul of the character
and reflect society's issues with women
- and their hatred of the vagina. - Next!
- Let me tell you-- - No.
- I'd really like to-- - Next!
- People make me nauseous. - No way!
- Hello! - Nope.
- Who do I have to fuck-- - No.
- Oh, Edgar, why did you-- - Ugh!
- I'm ready for my-- whoa! - Next!
Well, hello, honeypants.
I think a good tan is as important
as a good script, you know?
Also, I can't really read so good,
but I can do 300 crunches without stopping.
Words are so overrated.
But on the other hand, tight abs-- so underrated.
Oh, oh my God.
Quiet on the set!
Sound speeds.
"Big Spicy Meatball Macho Man," take one.
And action!
Uh, line.
"Mama mia, how about some a-delicious sauce-- "
Yeah yeah, I got it.
Okay, and we're still rolling, mate.
Mama mia, how about some delicious sauce
for the spicy a-jumbo meatballs?
Ow! What are you, like totally weird?
That's, like, so hot!
If it's not a-hot, how am I gonna melt-a the cheese?
Luigi, she wonder why it is too hot.
The cheese a-not gonna melt!
Aw, shut up a you face.
God!
That's what I call a spicy meatball!
- Oh, Luigi! - Oh!
- Mama mia! - You like-a Luigi?
Yes, a-you do!
Mama mia!
Ahhhh!
How do you like-a my canole now, eh?
I'm gonna fill you up with my cream!
Oh, Mama. The big finish-- she's inside!
Get ready! Holy monkey!
That wasn't in the script!
Here we go again.
Please tell me that was good for focus.
Yeah, focus was good. We got it.
Check that gate, baby!
Yeah, good gate.
That's a wrap. Make sure you hand in your paperwork
to Production before you leave.
Whoo! After a hard day of directing-slash-acting,
there's only one way I like to chillax.
Titty bar!
Now let's see. Confidence? Check.
Frighteningly chiseled good looks? Check.
Noticeable obscene bulge
emanating from the lower region?
What the fuck?
A check-a-doodle-doo.
Later, G.
Keep it real, playa.
Hey, I'm here to kill the bats.
Carry on, my simpleminded, minimum-wage friend.
Yeah, I only kill these things on the side.
I got me an application in to the Dinky Donuts.
I know I know, you want an autograph.
Oh, that'd be great.
Sorry, I don't sign.
I feel it damages my artistic credibility.
- What? - Oh, fine.
Take a headshot, and here, a Superbeasto bumper sticker.
Put it on your shit car. Now lay off!
Cow-a-yay-ya!
It's about time for my theme song, don't you think?
Maestro, if you please.
# Left upon a darkened stair #
# A baby thick with body hair #
# A wrestling family heard the cries #
# And learned him how to murderize #
# He soon grew up and up and up #
# And now this not-so-little pup #
# Had found a knack for pounding guts #
# While pounding booze and pounding sluts #
# Assholes, better watch your ass #
# Here comes a mangler with a mask #
His hands are like hammers.
Each one is too big. All surrender.
He renders them tenderized meat!
Ram 'em, jam 'em, block 'em, clock 'em!
# El Superbeasto! #
Oh, shit!
Hey, man, what the hell?
I get my hands on you, I--
Gee, wipers-- whoo hoo hoo!
Hiya, Beasto. Good to see you back.
Well, it's good to see your back too!
- Or should I say crack? - Oh, Beasto!
Nice rack, buddy.
Houston, we no longer have a problem.
Time for a little hair of the dog that bit me, Lloyd.
Get it? "The Shining"?
Hilarious.
A fucking comedian.
What'll it be, Beasto?
I ain't in the mood for tired '80s references, man.
Make it the Ethel Merman.
And because I'm a man of superior taste,
I will take an order of your tasty hot wings.
Doh!
Sorry, was this seat taken?
Yello, Beasto World Enterprises.
Beasto, I'm in position. Operation Iron Eagle is a go.
Yeah, that's not really gonna work for me.
Can we pencil this in for next Thursday?
- Are you in a bar? - No, I'm not in a bar!
I'm entering a bad cell area.
I might lose--
Suzy?
That was my agent. I'm working a whole synergy thing
with a win-win crossover demographic branding thing.
You wouldn't understand.
Achtung, blondie!
- No running in the halls! - Hiya!
Take that, Aryan assholes!
What in the name of the Fuhrer's head--
Gotta stay sweet.
O.M.G. Giant spiky iron ball?
So cliché.
I hate to waste you, sweetie, but it's all in the name of freedom.
Uh-oh.
Feet, start moving!
Whoa, Mama!
I bet MacGyver never had anything like this next to his ta-tas!
Weee!
Hey, Murray, baby. Did you miss me?
Yes, of course I missed you.
I missed you like the stars miss the moon.
Murray, you need a girlfriend.
Hmm. If only I could think of someone.
I was thinking-- I mean, I thought of someone--
Hold that thought.
We better make like a banana and split, baby.
Uh, okay.
Hey, man, what's a girl gotta do to get a theme song around here?
# Suzi #
# Where you running to with Hitler's head? #
# Watching you grow from a little child #
# To the girl with the ass that drives them wild #
# Did they try to fit you in a box? #
# Cleaning up dishes and sucking on cocks #
# Was never enough to make you smile #
# What the fuck's up with your eye? #
# But nobody cares when you're getting' all wet #
# Something about your titties that makes 'em forget #
# And you know you got a mission #
# To waste every shitbag you meet #
# Suzi X #
# Oh, Suzi, what have you-- #
# What, have you built yourself a robot, baby? #
# What, have you built yourself a horny robot #
# That can change into all sorts of vehicles? #
# Oh, Suzi X, the X is for X-tra bonus! #
# I got to get into your groove. #
Hi, I'm El Superbeasto, and I always use
- Dandruff Away shampoo... - Wow, this is embarrassing.
It's my commercial.
On the TV, right up there.
...have any more flakes on my clothes.
People thought I either didn't shower
or had a bad coke problem.
May cause anal bleeding, penis shrinkage, migraine headaches,
and nipple crumbling.
You got a problem, Rover?
Go blow yourself, has-been.
Ooh, easy, Beasto.
Not now, darling. I need to smash a little fuckface.
Oh my God, you killed him!
Calm down, folks.
You can't do any real damage to a werewolf without silver.
The kid doesn't look so good.
No worries. He's fine.
Nothing to see here.
- Oh, silver-- not the silver. - Back to your drinks.
- Oh, Beasto! - Hey, bumper pool.
I'm next!
Oh, yeah.
Mmm.
Women, women everywhere,
but none of them bear the mark.
My army of video voyeur bats are everywhere,
and I can spy on them all!
I can see them in their showers,
in their boudoirs, even on the can.
Where are you, my future queen of evil?
Ah, look who is in the paper!
Give me that, you silly noodle-ass!
Steve Wachowski?
How many times do I have to tell them it's Dr. Satan?
Dr. Satan! Dr. Satan!
Steve Wachowski is no more.
There there. Who's the big man?
I told them.
I- I- I told the editors.
I even legally changed my name.
It's not you, it's them.
I am evil, aren't I, Otto?
- Really really scary? - Yes yes.
We all tremble at your very name.
- You do? - And by midnight tonight
so will the rest of the world.
Do tell, Otto.
Tell me again how I will gain all the sudsy powers of hell!
Oh God, here we go again.
Now pay attention, because this is serious shit.
# Find the woman with the devil's mark #
# On her backside #
In the Book of Revelations the Number of the Beast
Is 600 and three-score six-- oh yeah!
# Bring her back here for a meatpole ride #
"Here" is an adverb of location referring to this castle.
"Meatpole" is an adjective describing the kind of ride.
# Make her your unholy bride #
Marriage is a contractual union generally recognized by society,
religion, and/or government. In other words, legalized fucking!
# Then you will be transmogrified #
Into one giant fierce horrifying Dr. Satan
with all the sudsy powers of hell.
# Backside, meatpole ride #
# Unholy bride, transmogrified #
# If all these things should coincide #
# Y'all motherfuckers better run and hide #
# From one giant, fierce, horrifying Dr. Satan #
# With all the sudsy powers of hell inside #
# Well, all right! #
All the sudsy powers of hell!
I will be kicking some major ass, buster!
Hurry, Otto, to the joystick!
Ladies and gentlemen, the Haunted Palace is proud to present--
Miss Velvet von Black.
# She's the girl you read about in girlie magazines #
# While you've got your wiener in your hand #
# She is more addictive than a mountain of crack #
# Velvet, Velvet von Black #
# Every fella gives the old thumbs up when she is near #
# Melons that could feed a pack #
# Of bears for a year #
# Miles of tits and a garden of ass #
# Velvet makes you harder than a calculus class #
# She could suck the gay right off #
# Of a painting of a unicorn #
# She could fuck you right in half #
# Her cans are posable #
# That makes them hosable #
# Two, three, four #
# She'd be fun to lick like a philatelist stamp #
# Especially if you like the taste of kerosene lamps #
# Did I forget to sing about her monstrous rack? #
# Velvet, Velvet von Black #
# If you want to meet her for a casual screw #
# Don't get shocked when you get balls of royalest blue #
# She will steal your cash and shove a shiv in your back #
# Velvet, Velvet von Black #
# Funbags, meatballs #
# Love stones, yabos #
# Velvet, Velvet von Black. #
Oh oh oh, is that it, Otto?
The mark-- I think I see the mark.
I think that mark could be due to G-string chafing.
Otto, you must fetch her for me.
That could be the mark of my unholy bride!
Just when I've almost perfected my soufflé.
Listen, you, you wouldn't even be able to say soufflé
if I hadn't put that smart screw in your head.
I can always take it out, you know,
send you back to the jungle.
You remember the jungle, don't you?
Not the jungle! There's no cable in the jungle!
Are we on the same page, monkey?
Yes yes, master, yes.
Now huff it out of here, gold brick!
Ooh! Ooh! Ahh! Ahh!
It's hot out.
Tomorrow's gonna be even hotter,
they say.
Yes, hot weather happens in the summer.
See the game last night?
A real white-knuckler.
That Puerto Rican kid
can really hit.
Okay, then.
Here we go. See ya.
Ah, finally.
Ooh! Ooh! Ahh! Ahh!
I think I left a nickel onstage.
Consider it my donation to the Sad-Ass Ho Club.
Ay! What did she say?
I said "sad ho,"
you sad-ass deaf ho.
Funny!
Goddamn wedgies up in my pussy and shit.
Excuse me, but I didn't see no sign saying "dumb-ass ape wanted."
How charming.
All right. Here we go.
Keep it simple. No fancy stuff needed.
After all, she's only a stripper.
You're a world-famous man of action.
No need to be nervous.
Hello, Miss von Black?
Come on, get in there.
Excuse me? Didn't catch that.
Come come come!
Come in? I don't mind if I do.
I hope you're not decent!
Yowza!
Hey, should I leave or join in?
I'm just gonna go.
Come on, Beasto. Flowers? Beer hat?
Stop thinking with your brain and start thinking with your c--
Do I look like a wheelbarrow?
Get your hands off me!
Did you say something?
Negative.
Hello, will somebody get a monkey off a bitch?
Take your stinking paws off her, you damn dirty ape!
Now that's a little derivative, don't you think?
That is one kinky broad.
Hello, am I in for some hot monkey love? Hmm? Is that it?
Would you keep quiet? This is humiliating enough.
What would Penelope say if she knew I was with someone like you?
Be-atch, your shit should be honored.
I bet if I save Velvet from that screwy ape
she'll love me long time.
But my order of hot wings is almost up,
and I do love the hot wings.
Draping my ass over your hairy-ass fucking shoulders
like I was a mink-ass stole and shit.
- Mink stole? More like a stanky mole. - Motherfucker!
If you want to scratch this here,
you better watch your ass mouth!
Oh, but she does have an amazing ass.
And those jumbo jiggly-wigglies!
The only thing that comes close
is the bleu cheese they give you with the wings.
You see, the wings are spicy,
and the bleu cheese cools them off just so.
Madam, you repulse me.
Hey, monkey, where's your organ grinder?
I find that very hurtful.
Oh, boo hoo. You know what else is hurtful?
Your thumb all up in my ass.
My thumb is not in your ass!
Well, why not? What are you, queer?
Aw! I'll save the day.
Celebrity coming through.
Out of the way, lard-ass.
Grab my car, pronto. I'm in a hurry.
Hey, get to the back of the fucking line!
People, people, I only have so many headshots.
Motherfucker, I don't want this!
Fine. Here's a free copy of my new CD, "Beasto Crankies."
It's a full 40 minutes of phony phone calls.
Hi, I'm calling from the bank.
Beasto, nigga, I know it's you!
No, it's not Beasto. I'm calling from the bank.
Beasto, you hear me?
Stop calling my ass.
- I have some-- - Beasto--
Banking business to--
Now I'm off to see Suzi X.
What a dickhead!
Thank you!
# Explosion! Hey, look at that bunch of zombies #
# I think they're Nazis, that one had a tongue #
# She throws a thing, it blows up #
# But a bunch get through #
# Why does a zombie need a scarf? #
# She turns left and some don't make it #
# Zombie Nazis fucking with my day now #
# Here they come, time to put on lipstick #
# That's not safe while you're driving #
# And here comes a train #
# Sweet bleeding Christ, she fucking jumps the train! #
# Look at that asshole, what's he supposed to be? #
# Oopsy, hundreds of people dead #
# She got away and everything is great #
# Are you shitting me? Here comes more of them #
# Zombie Nazis blocking up the road #
# Now the chase is done so we can end this song. #
Okay, I'll make you a deal.
You surrender the head of the Fuhrer, okay,
and we promise we will show you mercy.
That's the best I can do.
Oh, I love it when you boys talk all nasty Nazi to me.
I get all crazy inside.
- Now, who wants a little head? - I do, I do, I do!
- Uh-oh. - What was that, Murray?
Oh, the flu, that's what I meant. I think I'm getting it.
- Get the Fuhrer's head, Hans, Wilhelm! - Jawohl!
Get the Fuhrer's head. Show the Nazis how to do it, please.
Hold me tightly, big strong paisan!
Holy crap!
Zip it and start spinning, pussycat!
# Zombie Nazis getting shot to ribbons #
# Ooh-ooh #
# Nice #
# Zombies melting. #
Oh, God.
Cow-a-ya-ya!
Beasto, what are you doing here?
- Hold this. Hah! - Hey, I recognize this dude.
He's the Little Tramp!
He's hysterical.
He's taller than I thought.
What's up, bro? What's the dealio, yo?
I need your help with a little problem.
I mean, it's barely even that, really.
- Let's call it a situation. - Beasto, man,
don't waste my time. Is this about pussy?
- No. - Poontang?
- Nada. - Tool shed?
- Nein. - Cockpit?
- Nope. - Love box?
- Negative. - Fur patch?
- No. - Bearded clam? Nipsey Russell?
Fish patty? Panty hamster?
Vertical bacon sandwich?
- No ma'am. - Okay, I'll help.
You didn't say bat cave.
What did you say?
I said,
it seems a crafty monkey with a big screw in his head
kidnapped this sweet, innocent little village girl against her will,
in front of my very eyes.
The balls.
Primate kidnappers? Sounds groovy, baby. I'm in.
But if you're just trying to get into said village girl's knickers,
then you are gonna be the sorry chimp, buster.
Dynamite!
Find out what tree the smelly ape is hiding in and hit my digits.
- It's easy as pie. - Yeah, no shit, Sherlock.
What exactly are you gonna do?
For shizzle. I'm gonna keep it real, talk to my peeps,
get the 411 from my boys back in the hood, yo.
Oh, and here's your pickled Fuhrer.
All right, Shitler Youth, it's your lucky day!
You want it? Here it is. Come and get it!
Agh! My Fuhrer!
I will save you!
At last, mein Fuhrer, you are home!
All hail the Fuhrer!
Our fearless leader has returned!
Whoo!
I think you're gonna like this new design.
Mein Fuhrer, why do you not sing with us, hmm?
Oh, what a big breath mint.
So I told that bitch, "Step off them pumps, ho!
Them shits are mine!"
Where the fuck we gong now?
What kind of "Fright Night" bullshit is this?
Oh, please refrain from speaking.
I know you must be proud of your beauty-school education,
but your constant use of profanity
is an assault on my Wellingtonian sensibilities.
I ain't the one with a dingleberry
hanging off my ass hairs, nasty ape and shit.
Yes, well I'm not so sure about that.
The stank in this landfill is killing my coif.
I'm gonna have to get Tananeesha now to fix my weave.
Hey, how about them gas prices?
Not that I have any place to go.
Hey, monkey. Hello?
I think he's talking to you.
He sure-ass ain't talking to me.
T.G.I.F., huh?
Yeah.
Friday already? Seems like Wednesday.
All day.
Oh. Speaking of gas prices. Ew!
Shit. Even my ass is bored.
Don't think I'm apologizing, neither.
- You know that shit smells good. - Oh, delicious,
the plowman's lunch.
Finally got that itching under control.
- Oh, God. - Yeah, nipped that right in the bud.
Hey, what's wrong with your car?
Hey, fellas.
What the friggidy-fuck? Hello to you too.
Yo, ese, where you been?
Turned your back on your homeboys, huh?
- Blood is blood. - Yeah, whoo, I've been, like, crazy busy.
I lost my cell phone too.
I lost, like, every number.
You look good, really good. You losing weight?
That's not cool, homes.
You could have been dead in a ditch somewhere.
We were worried sick.
Rodriguez hasn't slept in a month.
Look, Rico, you're my homey.
And as Ricky Ricardo said to Fred,
"Don't be such a pussy."
Look what you've done to Rodriguez now.
You are so mean.
Oh, boo-hoo.
Look, I need some info on a giant horny ape, pronto, amigos.
Not so fast, homes.
First, we gotta see if you're still one of us.
I was afraid of this.
No way!
Are you still the man, bro!
Yes I am!
I missed you guys.
Get in here!
Okay.
Getting a little gay, fellas.
This is it. Make yourself comfortable.
No, don't-- I'm afraid of what that might entail.
Mm-hmm.
Flat screen! Mmm.
Sweet. Better be fucking plasma.
Better be a fucking minibar.
Hot damn, there is! You did good, monkey.
I'll be back to run your bath.
Perhaps performing some ablutions will make you more palatable.
- And try to remain somewhat coherent. - What did you just call me?
You're the one who's all fucking coherent and shit.
What the hell are these tiny bottles for, huh?
What you think I am, a fucking midget or something?
I ain't no Lilliputian and shit!
Nice mouth. You'll make the perfect bride.
# I hear the cottonwoods whispering above... #
Now... ooh!
There we go. Hello.
Attaboy, attaboy!
That's it. Keep it going! Yeah.
Ho, ho, come on, buddy, stick with it!
Stick with it, stick with it! Oh, oh, yeah!
Keep it up, keep it up, yeah!
Dr. Satan, I-- whoopsy!
What did I say about me in the bedroom?
Dreadfully sorry about interrupting your wank, sir.
A Miss von Black is in her room.
Sorry, nothing. Get out!
Damn it! That moment is ruined.
# El Superbeasto! #
Hmm.
Come on, Suzi, call!
What am I up against?
I do not call this professional.
Aw, screw it. What's the worst that could happen?
No, no!
Nah.
That stuff only happens in the movies.
Yeah...
- What the-- - Right there. Oh, yeah...
Oh, you're a dirty little girl, aren't you?
- Daddy likey. - Ohh...
Oh, you want to make little sounds.
Ow-a-ya-ya.
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Yowza!
Damn, baby, your shit is tight. Mmm-mm-mm.
- Burt? - Hey, Beasto.
Burt, you sly dog.
Hey, listen, have you seen a monkey run through here?
Man, he went that way carrying some grade-A booty, you dig?
Hey! That's cold, baby!
Give me a call if this doesn't work out.
Hey, squirrel, do I look like I want to talk to you?
I ain't here to talk. I'm here for the all-American ass party.
How about you make yourself useful and go get me some beer nuts?
Oh, Mama, I got your nuts right here. Why don't you salt 'em--
Sorry about the door. I just had sex.
All right, babies, listen up!
It's Suzi X!
I just remembered I've got to go visit my sister Bernice in Newark.
I've got to put some ointment on her fistula.
So long!
You see that girl? The one killing?
She's my girlfriend.
- Oh, let's spank them pushin' cushions! - No!
That's fresh.
Funbags are fully inflated and are ready for official clown business.
Oh, you want some clown business, do you, greaseball?
Well,
dig these buns of steel!
Ow, my hand, you bitch!
I need some info on an ugly, filthy, stinky ape,
and I'm gonna squeeze every one of you zits until one of you pops.
I have to take this. It's my agent. Pilot season.
Uh, have we heard anything?
Oh, really? Fred Savage? Great.
That's all I'm saying. If Flavor Flav can do it, why not me?
See, now we're on the same page...
Dr. Satan, that is the barrel-chested luchador
that saw me kidnap Miss von Black!
So? The graveyard is crammed with security.
What's the big stinkeroo?
Ooh, pretty.
I'm not yelling at you!
I'm not-- I'm not yelling at you.
I'm just saying I deserve to be a star.
Well, I am-- I know I'm a star,
but I want to be a bigger fucking star.
Um, I gotta go.
Listen to me, tootsie.
Ain't no dame ever gonna make me turn pigeon, you hear?
I've been kicked around by the best!
Joey the Roach, Frankie the Mug, Jimmy the Cracker--
All right, you little worm, you got until I count to three
to tell me who that smelly ape with the screw in his noggin
is working for or I'm gonna blow your little friggin' worm head
- into a million pieces! - Aw, blow me!
- Uno... - "F" you!
- ...dos... - Bet you can't even count to three.
...and three-- I mean tres!
Go ahead, blondie. I don't want to live, you hear me?
I don't want to live!
Ah, fine. Dr. Satan.
Murray, we've got a name, an address.
Let's move, Tin Man!
Thanks, fellas. Nice ass kicking!
Ta-ta!
You picked the wrong guy on the wrong night.
I just lost another goddamn pilot to that punk from "Malcolm in the Middle"!
You like that?
This is the result of several pushups and that new ab thingy.
It looks kind of shitty but it really works.
Ow, my ball joint!
Listen, ass pile,
get out of my fucking fuckface.
No, you get out of my friggin' face!
Out of the way, Sally.
No siree, Barbara!
Look, Mary, I'm an A-list celebrity.
I don't have time for this shit!
Oh, yeah? Well, you're also on private property,
you stupid baby.
Hold that thought.
Yello?
Who loves you, baby?
Dig it-- I got the lowdown on the hoedown.
Yeah, the ape works for some cat called Dr. Satan,
and he's trying to take over the world.
Huh. Yeah, right!
Dr. Satan? Holy schnikeys!
What would that crazy fruit ball want with my lady?
Did you say "your lady"?
I knew this was about pussy!
Cell phone people are so rude!
Beasto, are you all right? Are you okay?
Fred Savage, is that you?
Murray, I can dig a scene, and this one is about to swing mondo.
Beasto's hit the ultraskids and I ain't a dame to take it on the arches
with a brother in Dragsville, baby.
# Check it out, I'm imp the dimp #
# The ladies' pimp #
# The women fight for my delight #
# But I'm the grand master with the three MCs #
# That shock the house for the young ladies #
# And when you come inside, into the front #
# You do the freak, spank, and do the bump #
# And when the sucker MCs try to prove a point #
# We're treacherous trio, we're the serious joint #
# From sun to sun and from day to day #
# I sit down and write a brand-new rhyme #
# Because they say that miracles never cease #
# I've created a devastating masterpiece #
# I'm gonna rock the mike till you can't resist #
# Everybody, I say it goes like this... #
Oh, my!
God damn it, Otto! Don't you ever knock?
Oh, ho ho. Who the fuck is that?
Quit with the charade. Nobody's buying it.
Everybody in this room knows who I am.
Am I right, people?
- You! - Hold the short bus. I know you!
You're that dorky freshman who was obsessed with my sister.
No, I'm not. I'm Dr. Satan!
Yeah yeah yeah.
You're little Stevie Pee-Pee-Pants Wachowski.
Be aggressive! B- E aggressive...
- # If you love blueberries... # - ...Be aggressive...
- #...Kiss my toes... # - ...B-E-A-G-G...
# If you've got an appetite for some sticky-sweet #
# Huffin' and puffin' #
# Eat me up! #
# I'm your real love muscle! #
Okay, nice song, nerd.
Listen to this one.
Hey!
Yeah!
Get a load of this, ladies.
I'm awesome! I'm awesome! I'm awesome!
Let's not go through all that again.
Just hand Velvet over like a good little nerd
and I can get busy tapping that ass.
All right, listen up, you dumb jock.
Velvet von Black is mine!
At midnight she will be my unholy bride and all mine!
Mine! Mine mine mine mine mine!
Oh, is that me?
I gotta take this.
Yello?
Talk to me, baby.
Give me some good news.
Oh, really?
Krongarr, discipline him!
Yes, master, yes!
That's right, bitch!
Yeah, we'll see who's wedgie boy now, hmm, hotshot? Hmm?
Ouch!
There you are. Yo, go pass me some more of that Champagney shit.
Oh, God. Hold still.
Hey hey, easy with that brush, you creep!
I'm tender-headed!
Believe me, I don't want to do this any more than you do.
Don't front. You know you staring at my Wonder Twins.
You want your monkey juice on these shits, don't you?
No, put the twins to bed.
I would rather shuck out my eyes with a rusty clam knife.
Mmm-hmm.
Hand me that bottle, Bozo.
Here you go-- oh!
Hey hey hey, you're dirtying my bathwater, monkey.
Whoa. Oh.
Ooh, hey, that's not half bad.
Hidden talents and shit.
Agh! Oh, the stench!
It's like bilge water from the River Thames!
Now why'd you stop? I'm the one who tells you when.
- Shit! - It was a mistake, I assure you,
like casting George Lazenby as 007.
Mistake, my ass. You know, once you go black you never go back.
That's von Black, bitch.
I need some mouthwash and a mind eraser immediately!
Why? Why? Why?
Hey, brother, snap out of it!
That's just perfect.
All right, who said it?
Who dared interrupt my big moment?
Well, that would be me, brother,
the toughest mat-grappler this side of your mama's panties--
El Gato!
Who really gives a shit?
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm busy.
- Okay, bring it up. - Camera assistant: How's that?
- Up a bit, yeah. - That good?
- Okay, that's it. - Scene 67, take 2.
Um-- damn it.
See, this is what happens.
Line, please.
- Why? - Oh, right.
Why? Why? Why?
I can't believe you're here. My idol,
locked in chains like a towelhead at Guantanamo.
Yeah, well, this is a temporary setback, see?
You remember when I was pitted against
the Raging Earth's Crust at the Razzledome?
- No. - Oh, yeah.
He was squeezing my head
- like I was a tit-- - Do you mind?
I'm trying to formulate an exciting plan of action.
Then he yanked my balls off.
That's great. Your family must be very proud.
I bet they gave you a party cake and everything.
Oh, no. Can't have any cake. I'm a diabetic.
But I did get a new set of pendulous balls grafted on.
- See? - Hmm.
Could this get any more repulsive?
Oh, sweet buns-- firm, yet squishy.
Oh, I love 'em.
Beasto's Hot Wheel's at 12:00, big daddy!
I dig the new cycle, Murray.
But if I didn't know better, I'd say the design was a bit,
shall we say, kinky.
Kinky? Um, uh, no, it was, uh-- I mean--
I meticulously calculated the wind velocity
and that was the most aerodynamically sound...
Time to change, Murray.
If somebody caught me wearing the same outfit in two different adventures,
I think it would simpwy bwake my wittle heart.
Oh, I understand how the heart can ache--
sometimes achy-break.
Suzi, oh, please--
Wow, Murray, you're a riot.
Let me tell you-- count yourself lucky you don't have a heart.
You never have to feel the rush of hot blood racing through your veins,
pumping life into vital organs,
throbbing, pulsating,
swelling, pumping.
- Agh! - Cool it, hot stuff.
- Oh, God! - I'll tell you when we need the big guns.
Murray, I think we've got company.
There they are!
# Zombie Nazis standing at a wall now. #
Love is a battlefield.
Ah, the wisdom of Benatar.
Witness the carnage, Otto.
Welcome to the Hall of Frozen Ex-wives!
22 failed marriages.
Where did I go wrong?
Take Deirdre. We met in pre-med.
Oh, how I adored her.
Oh, she was beneath you, sir--
and beneath every man on the Manchester United Football Club.
Oh? And what would you know about it, monkey?
Anyway, she was boring.
Ah, my second marriage, to Lilith, was a debaucherous downward spiral.
Mmm!
Ah, Shirley. She was cute--
couple of father issues, though. Hmm.
Oh, Maria.
Philosophical differences. Mmm.
Impala-- she wouldn't let me get too close to her.
Sarah-- she ran hot and cold.
Sex was mechanical!
Too clingy.
Too bossy. Slurped her soup.
Oh! My dry cleaning.
Nope. Wrong.
No no no no no.
Nose!
Ball busters on parade, brother!
22 wives, Otto,
all of them abysmal catastrophes!
A total waste of time!
Oh, but how I love the ladies!
Nothing will stop me now!
Get me Velvet von Black!
- What was that? - I'll tell you what it was,
if you ask me. But quite honestly, you've been difficult to talk to.
Oh, shit. I think that was a rat.
Well, then-- there are only two things in this world that I'm afraid of:
my Uncle Carl in a thong, and rats!
Well, I got bad news for you, son.
And worse news.
Uh, what's the bad news?
Hey, Beasto, you want to play "My Bad Little Pony"?
Uncle Carl!
Jesus, Mary, and Seacrest!
What's the worse news?
Hey, check this out.
B- b-b-b-b-b!
Oh, moist.
That's a new one.
People'd pay money to see that.
I can't take it. I'm not supposed to die like this.
I'm a celebrity, damn it!
Wachowski, get ready for the wedgie of your life!
Whoo! Attaboy!
My pretty Miss X.
You thought you'd seen the last of us, didn't you?
Yeah, well, I was kinda hoping, you know.
I did change my outfit and all. Do you like it?
It looks like it was painted on.
- She's much hotter than Eva Braun. - Come to Papa!
Now you're cooking with gas!
Ooh, sexy Mama!
Silence, Grossberger!
Very clever, Miss X,
but you are not familiar with the Nazi Curse, are you?
Hmm, which one? Let me see.
There's "Fuck Nazis,"
"God Damn Nazis,"
"Nazi Assholes,"
"Nazi Pricks,"
"Nazi Douche Bags,"
"Nazi Jerk Offs"--
the list just goes on and on.
Ha ha ha. That's so funny I forgot to laugh.
No, my pretty. The Nazi Curse proclaims
that the one who vanquishes the soul of the Fuhrer
will suffer the second coming of the Third Reich!
Arise, soldiers of the Third Reich!
Nobody's laughing now!
Well, I am, but it's all about context, you see.
Correct me if I'm wrong here,
but wouldn't the second coming of the Third Reich
actually be the first coming of the Fourth Reich?
What did you say?
Since this is the new one after number three,
wouldn't this technically be number four, dipshit?
That's right. You go, girl. You know what you're talking about.
Technically she is correct.
Wilhelm, would you do me a favor?
- Yeah. - Shut up!
Aw, forget it.
Wait wait, my brothers. No no no!
Do over! Do over!
Arise, soldiers of either the Fourth or the Third Reich,
you know, depending on how you choose to count it.
Who's your daddy now? That's right. Me!
Murray, prepare for Ass Kicking 101!
Let's get it done!
So, Dr. Satan, huh? What the fuck?
You a doctor, like a PhD and shit?
Ah, Velvet, you are the most delightful and bewitching woman
I have ever met.
That's 'cause I'm a fuckin' lady. Mmm.
Hmm. I don't want to seem too forward, Velvet,
but the truth is I've grown quite smitten with you.
Oh, God.
Yeah, me too.
You got some nice digs, though. I ain't gonna front.
When Tananeesha and Roqwana come through,
ooh, it's gonna be on!
Them bitches gonna be jealous.
Velvet, I'm going to cut to the chase.
50% of everything you see here is yours
if you will be my bride.
Oh, Satan, you're the motherfuckin' man!
And now, my dear--
And now--
Otto!
Where the fuck is the ring?
How fast do you think I can saw the finger off a corpse?
Hmm, so, this is awkward.
Mmm-hmm.
Be my number 23.
Da-a-amn!
Now that's what I'm talking about!
That shit's tight!
Aiight, I'm down.
Let's turn this mother out!
Whoa-ho-ho-ho!
We are gonna have the best Polish wedding ever!
You gotta understand-- it's not an exercise program,
it's a lifestyle.
Look at me. I don't eat carbs.
I don't eat 'em after 8:00.
I just don't do it.
You know what we are, don't you?
I'll tell ya-- we're doomed!
Not so fast, my big-balled friend.
I didn't come this far to go down like a Filipino transvestite
during Fleet Week.
Uh, music.
# El Superbeasto... #
What the--
Whoo, that was a lot of fun.
I haven't kicked ass like that in a long time.
Wait, I hear something.
Is that Bodislav Bodinsky the polka king?
Outrageous!
Let's go!
Oh, sure, use a man's balls to beat the hell out of something
and then don't wait for him!
Kraut bogey, 5:00!
When I woke up this morning I was in such a good mood.
Mind if I borrow these for a moment?
Time to take over, big boy.
I'm going in.
Going in? Fucking awesome!
Damn iit, Otto, this is my special day and those two are going to ruin it!
Now, hold still.
I don't think you're taking this problem seriously.
Not taking it seriously?
Whose idea was it for the giant cascading waterfall of shrimp, hmm?
You.
And who was going to surprise you
with a life-size ice sculpture
of His Supreme Evilness Dr. Satan in all his glory?
- You didn't. - I did.
Well, that's fine and dandy,
but did you ever stop for one second
and think that if you weren't acting like a giant Froot Loop
parading around knee-deep in doilies,
then you would have noticed that there were two superheroes
about to throw a goddamn monkey wrench
in my master plan, you stupid monkey!
Fuck you and your shrimp boat.
I'm doing this my way.
Oh! I meant to do that.
Mark my words, Steven.
They're all gonna laugh at you. Oh!
Don't all try and crowd in on this one.
There'll be another shuttle along shortly.
Hmm. Perfect.
There's enough pigs-in-a-blanket for everyone.
- Hi. - Oh!
So, are you with the bride or the boobs-- the groom?
I'm with the groom, honeycakes.
Slut!
Please, Mildred, don't make a scene.
She seems nice.
So, Latrizza, I'm just saying,
he's a crazy, fugly sonofabitch,
but I'm gonna get all that money, you know what I'm saying? Half!
Half, bitch, you understand that shit? Half!
Darling, are you almost ready? The guests are arriving.
Oh, I know you ain't talking to me.
Do I look motherfucking ready?
Yeah, you needs to wait your ass outside. Shit!
No, I just thought that- that--
Thought what?
- Um-- - What?
- Uh, um-- - What?
Yo, spit that motherfucking shit out or get out.
Please, sweetie pants,
your tone is distressing!
Special day. Shrimp boat.
I'll be ready when I'm goddamn ready.
Yo, is this the way you gonna be,
acting like a fool and shit?
Act a fool?
No, cupcake.
I'm gonna act like this!
Is there something you'd like to say, Otto?
I'll save my comments for later, sir.
Then get this frozen bitch to the altar!
Oh my God, these pierogies taste like shit!
Here, you try them.
Time to blend in and mingle.
Holy mother jugs! Look at those ass flaps!
Hey there, hot pants. Let's get nude.
Take a picture. It'll last longer.
Whoa! Hey, Suzi.
Creepy. Incest.
Places, people. Places, everyone!
The wedding is about to begin!
All right, hotshot. Why am I at a wedding?
Admit it, this was always about P-U-S-S-Y, huh?
- Wasn't it? - Well, no!
No. I mean, it was, it was-- agh!
Then it wasn't. It might be again, but--
Agh! listen, listen!
Dr. Satan is Steve Wachowski,
and if he marries this broad we're all toast.
Steve Wachowski? Why does that name make my panties cringe?
You know, I mean if I wore panties.
Does the phrase, "Eat me, I'm your love muffin" ring any bells?
I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.
This demented maniac must be stopped!
Uh, what do we do?
Whoa!
Oh!
Hey, baby, show me your tits.
Madam, please keep your meat pillows contained.
You ain't the boss of me.
Nice!
All right, they're out.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today
to join these two begotten souls in unholy matrimony.
Some tears would be nice.
Anyway, here we will marry Dr. Wachowski--
I mean Satan--
- and his big-titted... - Excuse me, bro,
don't you think we should be out kicking some Satanic ass right now?
I'm telling you, this plan is foolproof.
All I've got to do is pull this rope before they get to the "I do's."
Hey, come on, have I ever let you down before?
Well, there was that one time when you left me to fly solo
against the dreaded man-eating alligator men of Venus.
Ring a bell?
Ow! I told you, I missed my flight.
They overbooked first class. I refuse to fly coach.
You know I can't have my public see me like that.
Other than that my record is clean as a whistle.
If there is anyone among you that believes
this wedding should not take place,
speak now or forever hold your peace.
Then there was the time you overslept
and missed the massacre of the vampire women.
Does that one ring a bell? Ding dong?
Clearly not my fault.
I set that clock to AM.
Do you, Velvet von Black,
take, um, this well-read horror of a man
to be your frightening husband?
Do I look stupid? I mean, you know I do!
I love him!
Dr. Satan, do you take Velvet von Black
as your unlawfully wedded whore--
I mean wife?
I do!
- Wait. Did you hear something? - Pull it!
I now pronounce you man and wife.
Look out!
# This scene is so familiar #
# Like I've seen it once before #
# Was it in a dream or another life? #
# I'm really not sure #
# Wait, it's coming to me #
# I think I got it #
# Ooh, why'd you have to rip off "Carrie"? #
# Since the movie started #
# This part is the most retarded #
# Why, why'd you have to rip off "Carrie"? #
# With the sound effect and the split-screen thing #
# Did you ask DePalma or Stephen King #
# If you could rip off "Carrie"? #
Oh, yeah. Nice play, Shakespeare.
Uh, yeah.
Not exactly what I had in mind.
Okey-dokey, artichokey.
Time to do this my way! Hah!
Hmm?
Cowa-ya--
You're too late!
Satan boombaye! Satan boombaye!
Wake up, Beasto! You're earth's only hope!
Caramels are chewy.
Now my dream has come true!
Steve Wachowski, vice-president of the chess club,
and Suzi X, homecoming queen together at last!
Hey, loosen up, man. You're crushing my titties!
Oh, no he didn't! I'm gonna get you, ho!
Holy mother of God!
Santa Claus is dead.
- Evil wins. - Yeah!
Is-- stop that back there!
Is there anyone who can save us now?
There they are. I see them.
What? Give me those.
Ow!
That two-timing playa wannabe pimp-ass son of a bitch!
I'm gonna beat his dumb red ass.
This is nice, isn't it?
Just the two of us reminiscing about the good old days.
Oh, it's like we're back in homeroom all over again!
Eww! Hands off, Dr. Perv!
Say, here's a real blast from your past.
# If you love blueberries, kiss my toes #
# If you like apple sauce, lick my nose #
# If you've got an appetite for some sticky-sweet huffin' and puffin'... #
# Well, then, baby, eat me up! #
# I said eat me up #
# I'm your real love muffin! #
Put the ho down!
I said back away from that stank-ass ho!
What? Who you calling a stank-ass ho?
Well, it must be you, bitch.
You're the only stank-ass brokedown ho I see.
Excuse me, Dr. Satan.
Would you mind putting me down for a moment, please?
I really don't think that that's--
- Sweet baby mother! - I said put me down!
Yes, dear.
Yo, what was that, be-atch?
Do I stutter?
All right! Cat fight!
# Pull my hair, I'll pull your hair #
# They'll struggle to the pavement at the cat fight #
# Cat fight #
Is it wrong this is turning me on?
- # Hey there, mister, that's your sister # - Come on, blondie...
# Boner's are a poppin' at the cat fight #
# Cat fight #
# All will want to poke you when the blonde chick goes to choke you #
# At the cat fight. #
# It's all right to jerk off to cartoons #
# The Japanese do it every day #
# So rub one out for the U.S.A. #
# The U.S.A. #
Ooh, you're gonna get it!
- # Pull the leg back, hear it crack # - Owee!
Say my name, bitch! Feel that shit, Mamita!
# Bite the ass #
# Jump up, gonna kick you back #
Splish splash... #
Takenzie her top offen! Show us her boobies!
# 'Cause masturbation's good for your prostate #
# It lowers blood pressure and it helps you sleep #
# U.S.A. #
# Watch where you're a-steppin' #
# You better grab a weapon at the cat fight #
# Cat fight #
# Time to fuckin' take her #
# Punch her in the babymaker at the ca-at #
# Fight #
# Cat #
# Fight #
# Cat fight #
# Cat fight cat fight cat fight cat fight cat fight #
# Cat fight. #
Who's the ho now, bitch?
And the new Mrs. Satan by T.K.O. in the first round,
Suzi X!
You gonna leave Velvet von Black?
Fuck you all! I got a pre-nup!
Half!
Null and void.
Oh, Doctor, you don't look so good.
I think you got a little something something going on upstairs.
What the hell?
- According to the handbook-- - Handbook?
Really? Is that the best that you-- and by you I mean the writers--
could come up with? Hey, Shakespeare,
the strike's over. Now get back to work.
All right, let's get this over with.
You had that book and you never said a thing?
You idiot!
Give me that!
"Dr. Satan will shrink back to normal size
if he squashes his unholy bride with the heel of his cloven hoof
- under a crescent moon... - Wazzup?
...as an albino Barry Manilow lookalike warbles through "Copacabana"
under a shower of rainbow sparkles
while a disgustingly cute kitten screams a Moroccan death chant.
Great. Now here are we gonna find a kitten like that?
Hey, buddy, I don't want to be rude,
but I was, like, staring at your crotch,
and it seems like your package is purring.
Hey-oh!
Come on, get me the fuck out of here!
I stand corrected.
Ow ow ow ow ow ow!
I got you, Suzi!
Thanks, my big, metal manboy machine!
That's me, Murray. Murray loves Suzi.
So I'm a little smaller. So what?
I know how this high school thing works.
I've got the homecoming queen
and now it's time to put the school bully in his place!
Medic.
Are we done now?
Yeah, I think so.
Oh, my blueberries!
And now a little smashing of the old fuckface.
Eat this, love muffin.
Sir, might I suggest a bit of the old Brixton 9000?
Oh!
Yeah!
What the hell you lookin' at, bitch?
Eh, nada, mein homey.
Hey, that's Spanish!
Okay, I think what we should do is, um--
Run!
Come on, Wilhelm, ride it like you stole it!
Oi-- temporary setback.
Nothing a little ointment won't fix.
Huh?
Oh, sweet heaven.
Well, I did it again.
Saving the world is like riding a bicycle.
Oh, I know where this is going.
You really never forget how it's done.
Come on, Murray, let's go.
Some say it's my superior strength.
Did you see how I--
Oh, well.
Ladies, anyone up for some
hot wings?
Welcome back to "The Morris Green Show."
Ladies and gentlemen, my next guest--
oh, he's a big favorite of my wife Dodi.
She just loves to see two men entwined in a sweaty embrace.
She also loves it when it's in the wrestling ring.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Superbeasto.
Hello! Good to see you!
It's so great to have you here. How do you do it?
Well, look, I don't want to dwell on the fact
that I saved the planet again.
I mean, it's just what I do.
But you do have a new rock 'n' roll compact disc, I understand.
Aw, where did you get that?
Well, your publicist sent it over.
It's just a little project I put together
with a certain group known as--
Loverboy!
# Everyone's watchin' #
# To see what you will do #
- # Everyone's... # - Hurry! You're missing it.
Cool your jets, Mr. Roboto.
I've seen it all before.
I heard somebody's been a naughty little mechanical boy
and needs some serious discipline.
Oh my God!
I see someone's in the mood for love!
Functions not functioning!
Now, let's try out those new special modifications.
Yes, Mistress Suzi, whatever you say.
Fasten your seatbelt, Murray.
It's gonna be a bumpy night!
- Yeah, baby! Whoo! - Oh boy!
- Oh, man! - Yeah, baby!
- Never stop! Never never! - Baby, faster!
# Everyone's lookin' #
# To see if it was you #
# Everyone wants... #
Oh, God, give me strength.
Why do you subject me to this meaningless drivel
night after night?
At least put on BBC 1.
There's a riveting history of Lord Byron's teacup collection--
Quick talking like a book, monkey. You ain't here to talk.
Put your filthy paws on me, you damn dirty ape!
Aagh! What the fuck?
Don't break a bitch!
# Come on, baby, let's go! #
Hey, it's you again.
We gotta stop meeting like this.
Did you like the movie? My part was pretty good.
I could have done without all the potty humor.
Instead of a punchline, they just flash some titties.
Not that I'm complaining.
I haven't seen a set of whoppers like that
since Ava Gardner. What a rack!
Okey-dokey, smokey, I guess that's it.
You really should go now. Yeah.
No no no. You should really go now.
Okay. All right, you asked for it.
Howdy, folks! My name's Betty Sue Lou
and it's my great pleasure to introduce tonight's special guests.
Straight from their two-night stand at the Barn Door
Exit 7 off Route 91 in Ruggsville--
all-you-can-eat fish popper Mondays-- kids love their poppers--
here they are, the one and only
Banjo and Sullivan! Yee-ha!
# Liquored up in Jackson after the show #
# Bucket full of wild oats I had to sow #
# Promoter said he knew just where I should go #
# Hundreds of women for old Adam Banjo! #
Oh, fuck me! Just get me out of here!
# 1,000 pickup trucks in a gravel parking lot #
# Looked at my roadie, said, "Ready or not!" #
# Splashed on Hai Karate #
# Ready to run my race #
# Took a look around, there wasn't no woman in the place #
# Dick soup #
# Cock salad #
# Can't sing a ballad #
# Don't give a hoot #
# Dick soup #
# Dick soup-- #
All right, Pops, I think it's about time I end this fiasco of a picture show.
Say goodnight, Gracie.
Come on, Mama, let's boogie.
Oh dear, that's going to leave a mark.
Make room for Daddy!
Cow-a-yah!
Oh, hello, Officer. Don't pull me over now.
Nice tools.
- Hah. - Where's your casino?
Take a look at this guy.
Those chaps should be illegal.
Hey, ain't this great,
a bunch of guys can get together and dance without being all gay?
Oh! Hey, easy, pal. I'm not being no fucking cowboy.
Bitch.