It's okay. Look how calm...
We love you so much.
Oh, she's gone. She's gone.
We love you, baby.
We love you so much.
I love you. I love you.
I love...
Joanne hello, you've reached the Mulcahey...
Residence. We aren't able to get to the phone right now...
But leave a message and we'll call you back.
Cathy hi, Joanne. It's Cathy Colombo.
From Bemidji state?
I heard from Kay and Rick you were sick.
I'm so sorry, I didn't know that, honey.
I'd love to hear how you're doing...
Whenever you're up for it, okay?
And, uh... hold on one sec, Joanne.
Um, yes. I'd like two bean and cheese burritos, please?
And a small Pepsi.
We don't serve Pepsi, ma'am we only have coke.
No, no, I always... Only coke, ma'am.
Cathy oh, shit! Sorry.
I thought it was taco bell. Am I on Eucalyptis?
Del taco employee this is Del taco.
I'm all turned around. We only have coke.
Okay, no, no, no, yeah, I hear you.
Yeah, okay, coke's fine, then, thank you.
Del taco employee okay, that all?
Yeah, thank you. $3.11 at the first window.
Cathy I am so sorry about that, Joanne.
Uh, where was I? Oh, right, how sick you are...
Fuck.
There's our New York City boy!
That's right. Hi, grandma.
They gotcha workin' this party?
It's good to work. Good for ya!
You know, I'm glad that you're movin' home for a bit.
Your mom's gonna need a lotta help. She does not deserve this.
You know, Rebeccah and Alex helped set up, too!
We did it all... You were "writing."
Are you drinking? You're like 15-years-old.
I'm 17. Alex, didn't help at all.
You were gone picking up friends for like five hours.
Please tell me, not Paige.
I haven't talked to Paige since, like, middle school.
Oh, hey there, is this where I can get some chips?
Oh!
Oh, hi, my name's Fletcher, just live here in the neighborhood.
Hi, Fletcher. Hoping to get some chips.
Oh, my god. That's funny.
Isn't that great? 99 cents at the gas station.
99 cents. Isn't that something?
David! David, what do you hear about your show?
Uh, it didn't get picked up...
So they don't pick it up, you know, it's over.
Yeah, but ya never know, maybe they'll change their minds!
That's not really how it works.
Ya know, we turned on SNL the other week...
Lookin' for ya on there!
Uh, why? I don't work there.
Well, it's only a matter of time before we see ya on there!
Well, I'm a writer, so I'd never actually be like, on the show...
Sure you're gonna get a lot of material tonight.
Won't he, grandpa?
I'll give you some material. Whaddya need?
David!
You just need these. This is a sketch.
David? Give these to Lorne Michaels.
Okay, I gotta show you this.
Remember that wand that I bought on the Internet?
The one that can heal people?
Yes, and can you believe at only $400?
I mean, that's crazy.
Everyone at your church bought one?
Yeah, well, my pastor sells them on his website.
And, uh, anyway, I looked it up, and it doesn't cure cancer.
Well...
Yeah, so it just works on, if you like, throw your back out...
Or something, but boy, is it amazing.
Thanks for researching that, that's good to know.
How you doin', Sacramento? Here it comes...
We were gonna dedicate this first song to Joanne...
But she's still upstairs gettin' ready apparently.
So get your butt down here, Joanne!
Jo-anny! Come on down! Hey, Joanne!
Well, we got our New York City boy in the house tonight.
You're not too good for us now, are you?
No. Okay.
We're gonna start you off with a lil' appetizer.
I'm almost ready, I'm so sorry!
No, no rush.
Taking me forever. Sit down for one minute.
How's it going down there?
Patti brought her wand.
She did? Of course, she did! Hm...
She says it doesn't work on cancer, though.
Darn!
Don't bite.
Isn't this dress pretty?
It is, I feel like it's too subtle... maybe?
Yeah, you think so?
Something more, maybe?
Do you know that I got this dress for this '70s party...
That your dad dragged me to.
Did I ever tell you about that party?
No.
Well, it was for people at his school, so you get the idea.
It's like, you know, you think he's bad...
These people are the worst.
So your dad makes this big deal, like we have to get our 70's co-
like he was very excited about this party.
So I get this dress, which is beautiful.
We go to the party, we walk in...
And literally no one is dressed up in 70's costumes...
Except for me and your father, can you imagine?
Oh, my god. It was so embarrassing.
Why was I not there? No one, David!
God as my witness. I don't know.
These people... they had like one little...
One little banner that said "groovy", and then they were...
They didn't even play 70's music...
They were playing like Phil Collins music.
Ugh. I'm so sorry, that sucks!
I know, but it's so funny in retrospect.
So has everyone already left yet?
Actually you missed the whole year.
It's probably not a terrible idea.
Should we go down? And join?
You don't have to move back, you know that, right?
I know.
I just want to tell you. I know.
Don't bite, David, stop, come on.
Paul hey, this is Paul.
I'm not here right now, so leave a message after the beep.
Hey, it's me.
Just calling to say that I landed.
And um...
Which I guess I don't need to do that... any more.
Anyway. Yeah, mom's fine.
Or... you know, fake fine, um...
We're just all doing new year's stuff.
Sorta feels like this little play that we're all putting on.
Boo! Agh! Fuck!
Uh, hey, you holding up?
Yeah.
You want company?
No, thank you.
Got any new year's resolutions?
I dunno.
All right, I love you, bud.
10... 9... 8... 7...
6... 5... 4... 3...
2...1...
Okay.
Are you okay?
I'm so sorry, I missed a little.
That's okay. Yeah, I'm okay, I'm okay.
Thank you, thank you, honey.
So, how's Paul doing?
This is a long time for you to be away from him.
He understands. He's fine. Oh, good.
Well, listen, I really wanna pay for your rent...
For the next few months...
Just so it's one less thing for you guys to worry about.
Dad's not gonna like that.
Well, I don't care if he likes it.
Well, thank you.
Of course.
Have you used that gym membership that he got you?
Might be nice for you to have somewhere to go...
If you want to get outta the house at night.
I will, yeah.
Okay, good.
Work on my fitness.
Yeah... can you see it?
Hm? Can you see it?
No, looks normal.
Ah, hooray.
Hey! David?
David? Mulcahey?
Oh... hey! Hey! I thought that was you.
Hey, how's it goin? Good, good.
Just baggin...
Oh... wow. Yeah.
That's cool. Yeah, it's good to see you!
Yeah, I saw on Facebook, you're a writer now, right?
Yeah. Cool, cool, me, too.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Like novels and Sci-Fi fantasy shit.
Oh, okay. Yeah, it's fun.
Well, cool.
Yeah, what are you writing?
Uh, I was working on this pilot for TV for like a year.
Okay.
But... Then it didn't get picked up, so...
Now I'm just writing for "Saturday night live".
Oh, fuck, what? Are you...
Oh, my god... shit. Yeah.
I should probably... I should probably get going.
Yeah, yeah, hey, you know, um...
I've been meaning to message you.
I uh, I heard about your family situation. Uh...
Yeah. Yeah.
How are your sisters doing?
I mean, everyone's sad, but you know...
Really? I didn't think Rebeccah would care...
And your little sister.
Wait, what are you talking about?
You know, you... Michelle Lima said that you came out?
And your family kind of took it poorly or something like that?
Yeah, that was like nine years ago or something.
I mean, my dad still won't talk about it...
But he's a fucking asshole, so...
Wait, what were you talking about?
Oh, uh, now my mom has cancer.
But...
You should rent her a DVD.
No, no, that's okay.
No, have you seen these things?
They're like Netflix, but even better, they're awesome.
I have. Come on.
I got an employee discount. Man, it's not a big deal.
I can get you a free rental.
You really don't have to do that. They're only a dollar. I...
No, no, come on, hey, please, let me get you something.
Do you know if there's any non-new releases...
That she'd want to see?
Ooh, ooh, okay, watch your hair.
Good girl, get it out, get it out.
Just breathe, mom.
Here we go. You're doing all right, baby.
Thank you, sweetie.
You okay, mom? David, yeah, I'm okay.
How was your day? Get any writing done?
Um, a lot, actually.
Hey, you know that gym has boxing classes.
I thought that might be fun!
Can someone please put dono outside?
I can't stand to see him licking his penis.
Dono, no! Stop it! Dono, no, stop!
Dono, no! Dono, out!
Stop. No!
Gabe David, hi, it's Gabe.
I am in town and want you to know that we are going...
To the gayest bar in Sacramento tonight.
You, of course, have no choice.
Please pick me up promptly, thank you, goodbye.
Oh, hey.
Oh, uh, hi. I'm looking for Gabe Stewart?
Oh, he's in the shower, yeah. David, right?
What, you're Justin? The only and only!
Except for Timberlake and Bieber, but whatever.
You were a baby like a second ago!
You can come in and wait in my room if you want.
Just know that I know, it needs of a full redec.
Okay. Who am I kidding?
This whole house needs a full redec, honestly.
Yeah, I won't judge it.
This is my bedroom.
Wow! This is really nice.
Do you like it? I do.
So for my birthday, I wanna tear down this whole entire wall...
And put up solid Carrera.
Do you know Carrera?
I think... is she like a singer?
No, it's a marble, it's so tasteful.
I actually think you'll really like it.
See this laptop case? Uh-huh.
It's Carrera.
Oh, wow, that's really nice. Yeah.
It's fake, but it'll do.
My tastes are a little bit outside my father's...
Financial means, and I'm sensitive to that.
And he works so hard, he's a single parent...
So I try to cut corners where I can.
That's really nice of you.
I really like your shirt, by the way.
Oh, well, thank you...
I was actually very nervous about it since meeting you.
It's so cute, you're really cute.
David. Hi! Gabe.
How are you?
I'm good. A very young boy just told me I looked cute.
Yes, he did, I'm not surprised.
Um, Justin, we're gonna go, be good.
Uh, of course, I'll be good, please, please.
It was so nice to meet you.
Come on, hug me. Let's do this.
Thank you.
Ah, Justin, I'm so sorry, you can't come with us.
Oh, no, it's fine, I have work to do.
Honestly, just please go off, have fun, do your thing.
We will. And, Justin, please don't burn the house down...
With your candles while I'm gone.
Oh, my god, Gabe, please stop!
I'm sorry, I'm joking. I'm joking.
He's furious, because he ran out of candles this afternoon.
Ho-ly shit.
I can't believe your dad has to raise that kid all by himself.
Okay, remember junior year...
How my mom got sick like five minutes after they adopted him?
Okay wait, so where are we going?
I didn't even know Sacramento had gay bars.
Oh, you'll see, it's... pure heaven.
This is hand's down the worst building I've ever been in.
Okay, you say that now, but if you meet your husband here,
I'm gonna make the speech at your wedding.
Uh, let me toast now, um, to being back home.
Mm, to being in Sacramento.
Don't be rude, David. Okay, this is your home.
Your gorgeous, gorgeous home.
Okay, you can say that, because you're here for the weekend.
I have been here two months.
No, it's true, it's not fair.
I don't have to deal with your fucking dad.
I mean, he's been good with my mom.
We just don't talk about that.
That? So you mean, how he cut you off and made you pay...
For school when you came out to him?
Yes, that!
Right, how he's never seen Paul. How he's never met Paul once.
That! Right, right, right, that, that.
Yes, that. What is this, 2008?
Jesus. I feel like I'm in brokeback mountain.
I know.
Hi.
Do you teach, or...?
You don't know? You don't know?
Okay... um, how are you and Paul? Is it weird now?
It was mutual. Yeah.
So mutually... weird. Yeah.
I guess.
How long were you all together, like four years?
Five. Oh, god!
Oh, god.
What the fuck? Hi.
You should do grindr while you're here.
I would never do grindr...
Especially in Sacramento.
That's disgusting. What?
You should try ok cupid, come on!
It's more gentle, it's like for small children.
No. Why? What?
What's wrong with ok cupid?
I do it every time I'm home.
I hooked up with that guy from Sheldon...
Who was a year younger than us, Nate chapin?
Mm-hm.
How was that?
He had the grossest penis...
But he lived right next to Jack in the box...
So two birds, one dick.
Ugh! I'm gonna come so hard! Ew. Oh my god, oh my god!
I'm gonna come all over the place.
That is definitely the guy from the burger place!
Yes, I told you.
How did you recognize him?
Because look at that dumb-ass tattoo on his arm.
I mean, who else has that tattoo. No one has that tattoo.
Fuck, yeah. Oh, he's gonna do it.
He's gonna do it.
Nothing will be spared in here. He's close, he's close!
I'm gonna come all over the whole room.
He came! He did it!
Yes! He did it! He came on the chair!
Hey, thank you.
And she didn't wanna slowly lose her hair, so she shaved it.
Last week... and we did this big hair-cutting ceremony...
And she was really joke-y and funny...
And then when it was over, she started crying.
My mom did the same thing.
The chemo's not even working.
And it's like now I'll have no mom, and basically no dad...
And no boyfriend, and no job...
No, no, no, David, you came here to be with her.
Just focus on that.
That's all, and let everything else fall into place, okay?
There's no one to fucking talk to here, except for you...
And you're never here.
So I just said, and I think about morbid shit...
Like, where will I be when she dies?
How are your sisters?
Will it be summer or winter?
Or like, will September 27th just always suck...
For the rest of my life?
I don't know.
This all just feels like...
Something that happens to other people.
Yeah, well, now you're other people to other people.
All right, we have two burgers, two fries, and two cokes.
It'll be about five minutes, we'll bring it right out to you.
Hi. What can I get you?
I like your tattoo.
Oh, eh, it's like how we're all created, you know?
Yeah. Yeah.
What can I get you?
Um, yeah, I'll just do three medium chocolate shakes...
With no whip cream... please?
What size?
Medium.
And would you like whip cream on that?
No, no whip.
And what flavor?
Chocolate.
Chocolate, great.
Three medium no whip chocolate shakes. What size?
Okie-doke...
I still feel like Alex and Becca should be here if they want to.
No, I don't want them to hear this.
But they might want to. No.
No, I don't want them here. No.
Okay, um, obviously this is just precautionary.
It's actually important that we all have one of these.
Even you should have one, I can help you fill it out...
Later if you want.
You look good! You enjoying the gym?
Yeah. Cool.
Okay, section one, designation of agent...
I've designated myself as agent.
It just means that I would be making health care decisions...
If mom can't.
Meaning he can kill me.
Yeah, yeah, as soon as I get my info down here, I can kill her.
And, if it's okay with you...
You are designated first alternate agent...
It just means you're my second in command.
No, I don't want him in that position.
Joanne, it's precautionary. Absolutely not, no.
No, sorry, then put Nina down. It's not gonna happen.
Mom, it's really fine.
It's not fine. You should not have to be put in that position.
No, the answer is no.
Okay, if you want Nina, we'll do Nina.
Uh, section 2.1, end-of-life decisions.
"Donation of organs at death".
Do you want to be an organ donor?
No, I don't want to... Who's gonna want my organs?
My organs have tumors all over them.
Your eyes, you could do your eyes, pretty blue eyes.
All right, fine, my eyes.
Okay, I'll make sure about that.
Here's another fun topic, um... cremation?
No, I'm not get... we talked about this.
I know we talked about it, I just want to...
I'm not gonna be burned up, okay?
How would you like it if someone set you on fire? No, thank you.
Well, it's not like they light you, I mean, you're...
I don't want to be lit on fire. I don't like that.
I don't like camping and I don't like fires...
And I don't want to be personally lit on fire, no.
I want to be frozen. Do they have that as an option?
Frozen, can I be frozen?
You want to be frozen? Check the frozen option.
Frozen like a pea? Yeah, exactly, like a pea.
Um...
I want to be frozen and then propped up on our couch...
In our living room, and I can watch you to make sure...
You don't cheat on me when I'm gone.
You're gonna...
You think it's funny, but that's what I'm gonna do.
But you won't have eyes, because you donated your eyes.
Mm, that's too bad, then I guess I'll be buried.
Okay, just hear me out on this.
Burial, you know, it's...
What?
Think about it, I mean, the coffin, a plot...
I mean, do we really want to do all that?
What? Norman... I mean, that's what they did...
No. I don't want to talk about this anymore.
Olden times. I don't care if it's olden...
I just think... I like the olden times.
We could scatter your ashes someplace meaningful.
No. I think it could be beautiful.
Why are you trying to make me mad, Norman, I keep saying no!
I'm not! And you're pushing me.
Please stop, I told you, I don't want to be cremated.
And I don't care if you think it's a dumb idea!
I do not want to be cremated, okay? I don't like it.
It makes me uncomfortable. Okay.
I don't like it, I have a right to say that I don't...
I don't fucking want to be fucking cremated.
Okay, baby. Okay. I'm sorry.
And I hate this stupid wig, I look like a fucking dead person.
You don't have to be cremated.
Okay, good. I don't want to be cremated.
We could do a green burial?
It's this thing I saw on "six feet under".
It's like a burial, but they...
There's no coffin, or plot, it's totally natural.
They just put you in the earth...
In like a pretty park or something.
Good, I want to do that. I want to do David's idea.
Okay, we'll do that. Okay.
We'll go green.
I'll figure that out.
I don't wanna come to this stupid place anymore...
Because that guy is literally doing that the whole time.
Ridiculous.
I hate this. I know.
I hate it! I told her not to do the arm.
I told her that there's no veins there.
I told her to try the hand.
But she still did the arm, and she kept poking me.
Baby, we do not... listen...
I'm sorry.
We don't have to do this anymore.
No, I don't want them to see me quit.
Well, then, take this one... Nobody's quitting.
Listen to me, this is what we're going to do.
We're gonna do one more round... No.
And we're gonna see how you feel, okay?
That's what we're gonna do, okay?
Well, why do they keep getting bigger?
Why do they keep getting bigger? I don't know.
I think we need to think about the port.
No, I don't wanna look like a robot.
You're not gonna look like a robot, baby.
I don't want to look like a robot!
You're not gonna be able to see it.
The doctor said it would be totally covered by your shirt.
No. Honey...
I hate this. I know.
Rachel ray yum, yum, and yum...
So now we're gonna take our chicken...
With the cheese literally coming out the sides.
I know!
Note to self, don't put your kitchen towel...
Too close to the stove.
You know, your mother was supposed to be born dead.
So she's still very, very lucky.
Oh, grandpa!
It's true. Ask her doctor!
I mean, he's dead, but if he wasn't, you could.
He hung himself.
See, grandma was already pregnant and somehow she got...
Pregnant again with your mother,
and your mother absorbed the first child in the womb.
That's true.
The doctor thought your mom was either gonna be born dead...
Or with the other baby's hands comin' outta her face.
Grandpa!
It's true, Ruthie! God as my witness. But she didn't.
No, she didn't. Her face was fine. You've seen it.
Yes. I've seen it.
But she does got those big bunions!
Those could be her sister!
Oh, god.
Where are the girls?
Um, I think Alex and her friends went to Rebecca's work to eat...
And then they were going to a concert or something.
Well, why didn't you go with them?
I was just feelin' kind of out of it.
Well, you still shoulda gone!
I'm gonna use the bathroom. Okay.
He's a nice boy. He's a great boy.
He looks good, too.
Oh, David...
Did you hear what happened to Mary Elsenpeter?
Uh... No! I'm in the bathroom!
Her family lives in that red cabin down on ten mile?
Well, she got her head got torn off.
Grandpa! He's in the bathroom.
Well, it's true. It is true!
It got torn right off! Yeah.
Poor thing, she had just gotten into Bemidji state!
Crazy. Yeah.
She was swimming and a boat decapitated her.
But she didn't die right away, she swam around for an hour.
Oh! Maybe a minute or two. No, no!
At least a half-hour! No.
The medic said she was trying to climb up onto Hoffman's dock...
Without her head.
He's making this up. Oh, no, it's true.
Okay, I think I'm gonna get going.
You leaving? Yeah.
This is just so hard.
She's your mom, but she's our little girl.
Oh, Ronnie, don't be...
You just never know what's gonna happen in this life.
Are you mad I'm stopping?
No.
Nothing's shrinking them.
I'd rather have a good few months or a year... 50 years.
Are you scared?
No... not scared.
I'm sorry for all the mean things I said when you came out.
That's... that's okay.
No, I'm your mother.
I want to ask your forgiveness for that whole time.
I forgive you.
And when you were little, I dropped you...
And you hit your head on the edge of a table.
I think you're fine, but I'm really sorry that I did that.
It was very bad.
My wish for you is to not be so stressed. It's not worth it.
You can be stress, stress, stress...
And still end up like this.
That's a really good photo of me.
Yeah, it's pretty.
Your mother was a model, David, just so you know.
Oh well.
I wish we could just like...
Go travel the whole world real quick...
So you could just see everything.
I get to see my whole world at dinner tonight.
All I ever wanted was to be a mother,
that's all I ever wanted.
And I got to do that three times...
So whatever happens, happens.
But I am coming to New York next month to see you perform!
Mm-hm, you can cross that one off the board.
I'll cross it out.
But I don't know if I'll be here for their things, though.
I think you will.
Are you gonna have kids?
I want to.
I love Paul, he's such a nice guy.
Yeah.
You think you're gonna marry him?
Maybe, yeah.
Yeah, I think you will.
I farted.
I'm so sorry. That was disgusting.
Wow, that smells so bad. I'm kind of impressed.
I'm sorry. Your mother is disgusting.
No... yes.
All right, everyone, you ready?
It's time for your next team.
Put your hands together for, "Mrs. Roboto!"
Hi, guys! How y'all doin'?
We are "Mrs. roboto" and we are about to do...
A fully improvised show for you.
We just need a volunteer we can interview about their hometown.
So can I have a volunteer?
Yeah, yes! Bright in the pink, perfect, yeah.
So, everybody clap for her.
Oh, hello, so nice to meet you, so nice to meet you, yes, yes.
I can't do this, okay, we actually know her.
This is David's mom.
So, I can't lie. I can't lie.
I just can't lie to you.
Have a seat.
So, I just have some questions I'm gonna ask you...
About where you're from, why don't you answer that?
Um, I'm originally from Austin, Minnesota.
So what was it like growing up there?
What was like your family, what'd you guys do?
Um, well, we lived above a restaurant called the old mill.
The old mill?
Because my father owned the restaurant.
Oh! Okay!
So did you like work...
Did you work there or eat there or what'd you do?
Well, no matter what I was doing...
Whether it was day or night...
My father would call me and make me come wash dishes.
What?
No matter what I was doing, whether I was doing homework...
Or on a date... That's awful, right?
Yeah, exactly.
And I had a grandmother named vi.
Okay. And this is a funny story.
One Christmas, god as my witness...
All my brothers got boxes...
With all her dead husbands' old belts as presents.
What? Just all like...
Like all messed up in a bag.
Like a tangled up bag of belts? Of belts.
That is a truly horrible gift. From her dead husband.
Yes. Wow, grandma.
And then, that same year, she gave me old bed sheets...
That were ripped up into sections for me to use as pads.
What? That's an insane thing to do.
That's a weird thing.
That was my grandmother vi. Okay.
Um, you're lovely. Thank you.
And I think we're good. Guys, please give it up for Joanne!
You can go have a seat.
You know I love you. Yeah, I love you, too.
And I just feel like it's time to take this to the next level.
Oh, my god, I knew you were going to do this.
I knew you were going to do this. I'm...
Here you go.
A lot of belts tangled up. Yeah.
This is incredible. Oh, my god. You really love me.
Girl, did he give you belts? Yes!
Damn! It's so big!
God, that means he fucking loves you!
I know! Oh, my god!
Don't untangle them! Oh, I'm sorry.
Push! Okay, he's coming, he's coming.
And there you go!
That's great, the breathing and everything...
But if you could try and do some dishes while...
Here, let's have the baby do some dishes, too.
Agh! Cut the cord! Cut the cord!
It's crazy, though!
Wait, I have an even better one.
So, some of you might know, I'm a second-grade teacher.
I don't know if David told you.
So we're on the floor, doing show-and-tell...
Like we do every day.
Show and tell!
And yeah, you remember the days.
And we get to my little student Roberto...
Who David knows I talk about this cute...
Little boy all the time.
He's just like about the cutest little boy in the world...
A head full of silver teeth.
So he says to me...
"Mrs. Mulcahey, my show n tell's still in my backpack".
And I said, "that's okay, honey, go get it out."
He pulls out a fully dead chicken...
With the feathers still on it.
You guys, your mom is so pretty. She's like gorgeous!
You both have her eyes.
Yeah, she looks great! Is she still...?
Yeah, yeah, she's still...
Okay, yeah, no, I was, like when I saw her...
I was like, "oh, I guess she's better."
And I was confused, because I remember you said that um...
Yeah, no, I mean she's off chemo.
So, the chemo was makes you sick, so she's...
All right...
Feeling better.
Well, how long will she be off the chemo?
Um, she's not doing it anymore.
Well, can they try, like, radiation or...?
Yeah, we've already been through all that, and...
It's a weird form of cancer, it doesn't really respond...
It's basically just too far spread, it's okay.
David Mulcahey!
Hi...
Oh my god! I saw you at the show, I was like, "it's David!"
Cuz the other day I was like, "where has David been?"
You hate me, don't you?
Yeah, I've been hiding.
I knew it! You do, you hate me. No, no.
He hates me.
It's okay, I'm not really mad, I have been gone, too, so...
My cousin had a wedding in Philly, so I was gone for that.
Then I broke my ankle... Oh, no.
And that was a whole thing, and then I had another wedding.
And then I like just didn't let my ankle heal properly.
So now you know my crazy friends.
- Yeah. - That was really fun.
I feel kind of tipsy.
Is this it? This is it.
I like the gray brick.
The neighborhood is actually really nice...
If you just walk like six blocks that way.
There's a good pizza place.
I apologize in advance for the 9,000 stairs...
You're about to climb, but, uh...
Are you gonna come up?
I c...
Really? Please don't.
Okay, come on, let's go! Should we go up?
Let's go.
Ooh, I like the band-aid on the floor...
It matches the walls.
Hey! Hi, Paul!
Hi! It's so nice to see you.
You, too.
Hi. I like the shirt. Oh, thank you.
Looking good. Hi! How you doing?
Good, how are you?
Thanks for doing this.
Of course.
So, here is our living room, slash, family room, slash...
Dining room, slash, kitchen.
And you've seen our gorgeous foyer.
You don't need anything more than this!
You've got everything here.
Nice sexy, shiny bedspread.
Oh, sexy, shiny... Thanks, Alex.
It's pretty sexy.
Hey, I'm sorry that I wasn't at the show.
This server who's a liar called in sick.
Oh, it's okay.
It was a great show. It was so funny.
You've gotta tell Paul the... news.
What?
Yeah, I saw the artistic director after...
And he mentioned this ABC show that's staffing...
And he knows the show-runner.
So I'm gonna send in a spec.
That's great! You already have that one you can send.
I mean, it needs a lot of work, but...
Where's your dad?
He's standing downstairs.
Do you have any wine?
Uh, yeah, yeah, we do.
Isn't he waiting?
He is waiting! Do you have any wine?
I'm just in the mood for a glass of wine.
Thanks for cleaning. Yeah, no problem.
Your sisters are starting to look so much like your mom.
Really? Yeah, like identical.
Our lease is up on the 30th.
Yeah, I know.
Yeah, so, I'm gonna resign it, but you don't need to worry...
About it. You can leave your stuff here.
Can we talk about that not now?
Please? Okay.
Do you want me to... No, no, I...
I finished like three days ago. I know, shut up, shut up.
Let's just start over.
David, you're kinda... I know, I...
Okay, but you're making a murder face.
Oh, fuck...
I'm sorry, that sucked.
I think that's the best we've ever had.
It was kind of tantric.
Did you wax your butthole?
Haha, what?
You did!
You wa... who are you?
I was just trying it! You know I hate hair.
So are you, like, having sex, then?
Why can't I just wax it for me?
Well, you can, but that seems like a stupid thing to do.
It's fine, if you've had sex. That's fine.
I know it's fine.
So you have?
No.
You paused, so, you have.
You're creating one of your fights.
No, I'm not. Yes, you are.
Also, having sex with other people would be healthy.
You should try it. Or at least, you know, date, flirt. Whatever.
Yeah, right. That's me.
Okay, fine, you just sit inside your head all day.
Okay, so, I haven't had sex...
But I did masturbate like nine times in one day last week.
Wow, nine?
Yeah, ten years later, I'm back on that same twin bed...
Just goin' at it like old times.
You sound wistful.
It was kind of nice, yeah.
I got this huge mahogany desk when I was little.
It's still in there...
And I remember asking specifically for it...
For my 8th birthday.
Yeah, and of course you asked for a mahogany desk...
For your 8th birthday.
And one of the drawers has a lock and key...
So it made sense for me to keep all of my porn in there.
But it wasn't porn, it was like the ads from the Sunday paper.
So there would be like this guy standing there...
In a JC Penney swim suit from the late 90's...
Just working it and... Working it?
And um, I would steal it... Uh-huh.
And masturbate to the same JC Penney man for like months.
Can you imagine masturbating to something like that now?
No, I need like full fucking and novelty.
Right. The worst part... Mm-hm.
Oh, my god.
Was that when I went to college...
I was so worried that my parents would find these photos that...
Instead of just throwing them away like a normal person...
I would cut each of the photos into tiny, little strips...
And then I would soak them in water.
What?
And then I divvied the soggy bits up into different trash bags...
And then threw them away into different garbage cans...
Wait, in case... Of my neighbors'...
Just on the street. Like you were worried...
Someone was gonna piece them back together?
I know.
You think like Sherlock Holmes was trying to out you?
I don't know. Going through the trash?
I don't know.
I was an insane person.
Oh, poor, tiny, terrified, little David.
That's truly horrible. Hey...
I'm sorry I was an asshole about your butthole.
It's okay.
I got it done at this place called wax poetic.
No, you didn't. Yeah, I did.
But the guy who did it, didn't say a single word.
He just like basically grunted.
Did it hurt? Yeah, it hurt... so bad.
Do you want me to spoon you?
You don't have to.
I know, but I want to. I want to.
Just pretend I'm the guy from the JC Penney ad.
Oh, in your dreams.
I got sand on my feet in a moderately-priced...
Modest swim trunk.
It's such a beautiful day. Mm-hm.
I might run a little bit. Okay.
You want to run with me, just kinda...?
Yeah.
Yeah, I just want to get my heart rate up.
Okay. I wanna run.
Hey.
Beccah's at work. I was gonna go for a walk.
Would you wanna come?
Oh, I'm okay. Thanks, though.
I'm gonna... I gotta finish this. Okay.
Fuck it.
Do you have any idea what we're about to witness?
I don't know, per Se, but what I do know is that it is called...
"An evening of movement and dance for my father...
"Rod Stewart, on his 60th birthday."
And you'll notice right when you open it up there's a rose petal.
Which is v-tasteful, I'm very proud.
I never realized your dad's name is actually rod Stewart.
Yeah, it's been very hard for him.
Hi, everybody. Hey, hello, hello.
Well, first of all, thank you for coming to my birthday.
And I just got the word from Justin...
That he's ready to come down, so...
No, I...
Sorry, ignore that. We don't know where he's gonna come from.
Oh, and he wanted me to say, please make sure all your...
Phones are completely on and that the flash is also on.
All right, uh, I'm supposed to hit play, hold on.
Justin ladies and gentlemen...
A quick note before the show.
I, Justin, could not be with you tonight.
So instead, sit back, relax...
And enjoy dancing from my best friend... Justina Carrera.
Oh my god.
Yes, yes, yes.
Can we be arrested for this?
I feel like we all can and should go to jail.
Okay, you're just jealous, because this kid's 1000 times...
More confident than you'll ever be.
Oh, my god! Ah!
Stunning!
That was so stressful.
I mean, that was the best thing I've ever seen...
In my entire life.
Did I tell you that me and my family...
Went to New York last month? No.
And I took them by to see me and Paul's apartment.
And my dad wouldn't come up. No!
Yes, and we were having such a nice time, before that.
Do the... have you told them that you're not together any more?
No, I haven't told them. Oh, god, David.
It's just...
I just want my mom to die thinking I'm doing okay.
That's all.
Do you ever cry about your mom?
Now? Mm-hm.
No. You know, I mean, I get sad...
And you know, it comes in waves.
But I haven't like cried, cried, in like, awhile?
We haven't been in church in like three months.
Your family? That's huge. Mm-hm.
I thought this was the time where I'm was supposed to get...
All "religious-y".
And I keep waiting for that beautiful moment...
Of revelation about life.
I mean, I thought when your mom dies, you get like a moment...
Where you're both like sitting on a park bench...
On a beautiful day, and then, all of a sudden...
You hear the voice of god and just everything becomes clear.
I want that... I want that moment.
I...
I weirdly had like, that moment, sort of.
Yeah? Yeah.
I remember when my mom died, everyone at church was like...
Like, you know, uh you know...
"At least she'll be looking down on you, you know, from heaven."
Which is... I mean, it is the worst thing that you can hear.
Yes.
But the one meaningful thing anyone said to me...
In that entire time, was from my mom.
We were outside... Good start.
Um, just a warning, this is gonna get very gay.
Okay.
We were in our backyard, and...
I remember her saying something about how much she loved birch trees, you know, which I already knew.
But then she said, "when I die, I'm gonna be a birch tree.
"So when you see one, that's me."
And, you know, I fully should've forgotten it...
'Cause it's such a small, random thing and people say bullshit...
Like that all the time, but it has always stuck with me...
Because you know, now I literally always think of her...
When I see a birch tree, and it is so nice.
Yeah.
You know, and I do not believe...
In the "she's looking down on you" thing, at all.
But, you know, she said she was a birch tree.
And I know she's not really one...
But... I don't know, she sort of is.
'Cause now every time I see one, I'm like...
"There's mom".
So I didn't learn some huge lesson...
But that was my Jesus-y moment, you know, sans Christ.
And I will always have it.
That's really nice.
Don't look at us, we're drug addicts!
Hello.
David, don't.
What's going on?
We're drug addicts, David, it's time that you knew.
Okay. Is dad okay?
Dad has to give his report on the school tomorrow...
He has to go into the...
He has to go to the district office...
And give this school report.
You know what your speech should just be, Norman?
You should go in...
"Attention, here's my progress report...
"My wife is dying and we smoked too much pot...
"And they had to take us to the emergency room...
"Because my wife ate too many potato chips."
Wait, you went to the emergency room?
Mm-hm. Mm-hm.
What'd they say?
They said you took too much pot and you gotta go home.
They said you took too much pot, get your ass out of here.
Very... high.
They said, get your...
That's what they said.
They said, hey...
I thought you didn't wanna try medical marijuana.
Well, I tried it!
I see that. But why are you so stoned?
How much butter did you use?
Just one stick!
You used a whole stick? Mm-hm.
Wait, how do you know how much goes in there?
Because I smoke pot. I'm stoned right now.
Drink some water.
Good for you, David. Live your life.
I will.
Live your life, you too, Norman.
When I die, you gotta live your life.
Except you can't date anyone for a year...
And you can't date that slut who came to the door today.
As in Lisa, the one that brought you a pie?
Eh, only a slut would come to the door with dessert.
You're supposed to bring a lasagna or something like that.
I didn't know that.
Well, I'm gonna go find Alex and Beccah... have fun.
Come in!
Hi.
Did you see mom?
Yes. What happened?
I came home from work and they were like that.
It's your fault.
I didn't wanna tell them they were putting too much butter...
Because then they were gonna ask how I know.
Ask how you know? Alex, look at your shirt!
They know you do drugs.
Look at your shirt! They didn't know you were gay!
This is just blue.
It was like my favorite night with them like, ever.
That's nice.
You shoulda been there.
They're like pot jolly ranchers if you wanna do em sometime.
Yeah... maybe.
Does that mean no? No, it means maybe.
Well, I'm gonna put mom to bed now.
And then maybe do you wanna hang out?
Oh, that's okay.
Thanks, but I'm gonna try and do some writing while she's asleep.
Always writing.
I'm glad we're doing this. Yeah.
Yeah, the school looks pretty.
I like the birch trees.
You like birch trees, right?
Mm-hm.
Okay, ladies, ladies, ladies...
Ladies and gentleman... Thank you.
To the start of another good year!
And for having Joanne with us today!
Cheers! To Joanne!
Joanne, do not judge my room.
I know that it is a disaster zone.
Your mother always had her room set up...
Weeks before the school year started.
We hated her.
I guess I have a tough act to follow then, huh?
Well, if you teach with us, all that matters is...
Do you like wine?
Exactly. Oh, my god, yes!
Joanne, she's gonna take over for you just fine.
Joanne, I really like this top.
Target. Where?
Target. Target.
You always have the cutest stuff.
You really do.
And target has really good stuff.
They really do! I love it there.
Vicki, Vicki?
Vicki, you're getting Roberto's little brother this year.
Oh, good luck.
I'm sorry, who am I... Who am I getting?
Roberto's little brother this year.
Roberto's brother, the one with the silver teeth.
Mm-hm. Uh-huh.
Roberto. I had him two years ago. He brought the chicken.
His little brother is in our clas... your class, this year.
See, that's why Joanne's retiring.
I see.
I like Roberto.
We can leave whenever you want, okay?
And now what was the chicken story, though?
I missed that.
Joanne, you gotta tell her. Yeah, tell her.
We were doing show n tell, and he pulled out his backpack...
His what?
His backpack.
He says, "Mrs. Mulcahey, I brought this chicken"...
Eww.
I'm sorry, what was going on?
It was show n tell.
Oh, I didn't... I missed that part! Ah, go on.
You tell the story. You can tell...
No, go on, please, go on.
Okay, so... I mean, Joanne tells it better, but...
So he pulls out this backpack...
And inside is a like legit, full-on dead chicken.
Not from a store, with feathers on it, newly dead.
Oh, no!
We laughed so hard I thought I was gonna pee my pants.
Joanne did.
My mom wanted me to give you these.
They're little boxes that she made for the kids...
With their names on 'em and all their pencils...
And little candies and stuff.
Oh my god. Joanne!
This is too much. You did not have to do this.
One less thing for you to have to do.
And I put a candy in each one...
But you can take it out, if you want to.
Thank you so much.
Your mother is the best. She's just the be St.
All right, okay, um, well, come visit!
You know, stop by any time, it's your classroom.
I'm just babysitting, so...
Okay.
You okay?
Okay.
You're lucky, I was gonna finish off your fries.
I bet you can't get fries that good...
In any fancy New York diner.
Nope.
So, Alex, have you decided what you want to do...
For your birthday?
It's October.
Yeah, but December 1st is gonna be here before you know it.
Does anybody have any questions about what's going on with mom?
This is... her body is shutting down.
That's... that's what you're noticing.
How's Daniel?
Good. Good.
Working a lot.
I'm so grateful that you've had him through this.
Yeah.
How about you? You dating anybody?
When would I do that?
Well, what about... what's his name, Pete?
From... the homecoming guy?
Ew. He has little, baby corn teeth.
I loved his teeth.
How about you, David? How's the writing going?
It's great.
Yeah, did you turn in the ABC script?
Yeah.
That's good!
And how's Paul?
He's good. Thanks for asking.
Ooh, it's grandma. I'll be right back.
Hey Ruth-Anne...
It's like, what the fuck? He still can't ask about Paul?
You've never asked about me or Rebeccah.
What, Alex? Yes, I have.
Other people are sad, too.
I know that.
What ev...
So, on a scale of one to, like, a fucking million...
How terrible is everyone on ok cupid?
What?
Like a fucking trillion, right?
Well, I mean, they're not that bad. We're on it.
Well, yeah, I mean we're great. We're fantastic people.
But like everyone else, fucking lunatics, right?
It might just be 'cause it's Sacramento.
I kind of like Sacramento.
Really?
Yeah.
I'm like, kind of drunk, I think.
Really? Yeah.
You know, I'm feeling good.
I'm not.
I mean, I guess I just thought that we were like eating.
When I said 9:00...
I just thought it was implied it was just drinks only.
You are just trying to make me black out.
What? No, I'm not, no. Aren't you?
I'm kidding.
Right.
So, we are we going?
Um... Next.
We could go watch a movie at my place.
I got mirror, mirror at the grocery store.
Oh, my fucking god.
That's just all they had.
That's all they had?
I'm gonna get a pen. Okay.
I really would love to watch a movie with you...
It's just, I have to be up at like 6:00...
To help my mom, that's not a line.
Your mom? Yeah, she's sick.
Oh. No, it's fine.
No, I'm sorry about that, it's not fine.
She just started hospice, so now is most definitely not fine.
But... it's fine.
Okay, I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Okay.
I'm really sorry, I feel like I'm being the weird one...
On this date, which I'm normally the normal one.
It's okay. On dates.
But I'll just be right back.
Fuck.
I'm back. Hey.
Are you okay? Yeah.
No, I just... I was just...
I threw up on my face.
Norman hey, it's dad.
You must be still at the gym.
Maybe boxing or something.
Anyway, would you mind picking up some toilet paper...
And some laxatives?
Just make sure to get the suppository kind.
Okay? Thank you!
Fuck.
Announcer mm. You're listening to the lineup.
Urging you to love somebody tonight.
This next song is going out to Alan in Iraq.
Your fiance Trish loves you very much...
And thanks you for all that you do for your country.
Alan, here's "drops of Jupiter".
Oh my fucking fuck!
Where is the medicine?
Toothpaste.
Medicine!
Okay, where are the fucking laxatives?
What the fuck? Aisle 5, medicine, health, wellness...
I literally need something that is all of these things.
Where the fuck is it?
Oh, my god, oh, my god.
Bunch of fucking bouncy balls in the medicine aisle...
But there's no fucking medicine.
Hello? Anyone? Am I in a ghost store?
Hi. I was just looking for your laxatives.
Not for me. Yeah, that'll be aisle 5.
Okay. Okay.
Go back to aisle 5... With the fucking medicine...
And no laxatives.
That's what I'll do, I'll look at all the same shit...
I already looked at.
My god, I fucking hate this place.
I fucking hate this, aspirin, I fucking hate this...
Fucking Robitussin, fucking q-tips.
What the fuck, this fucking lady?
Fucking... oh, my god.
What the fuck? Where the fuck is it?
I'm a fucking good person.
I'm a fucking good person! Where are the laxatives?
I just fucking want to find the laxatives.
Where the fuck are the laxatives?
Are you okay?
Um... I was just looking for laxatives.
They're right here... In front of you.
Thank you.
Hope you feel better.
Hey... you okay?
I didn't get the show, so...
Oh... shoot, I'm sorry.
Yeah, this other guy got it. I found out on Twitter.
Oh, that's frustrating.
Mike Madrigan, he's like eleven.
An eleven-year-old.
Maybe you weren't supposed to get this job...
So that you could be here.
Everything happens for a reason.
Yeah, I don't believe that.
Listen, um...
If you wanna invite him to dinner sometime...
Him, who? That'd be...
Paul. Paul?
Paul. We broke up.
So, you're too late.
I'm sor... I didn't know you... I didn't know you broke up.
Oh my god. Oh, my god! I just wanted to...
We were together five years, and he can come to dinner now?
David, I just want... What is this? What...
You and I bought fucking diapers together for her today.
We sat with the hospice and picked up medicine together.
I've been fucking living with you in your house...
For 10 months... And it's been good...
Because I keep thinking, "oh, I like the way he's helping mom".
Or "maybe he's getting more accepting"...
But then it's like, you won't even come up to my apartment...
Whenever we're in New York?
It's like this one little thing and you won't do it!
You won't!
I'm gonna be fucking 30-years-old!
And mom's gonna be dead, and then what?
Um, are we gonna be closer then? Like, do I still come home?
Or, what? Because I want to! Of course, you come home.
I want to want to! But it's just... it's been ten years...
And I will not be nervous saying "he" or "boyfriend"...
Around you anymore, because it fucking sucks!
It fucking sucks!
And I've had such a shitty, lonely year.
And I can't bother mom with any of this...
And I can't talk to you about any of this.
So, what am I supposed to do?
I can't even talk to you about the fact that I'm gay.
Of course, you can talk to me. No, I can't.
About that, David, I've always said, I'm available any time...
You want to debate that. It's not a fucking debate!
It's not a fucking debate.
I'm sorry I keep cursing at church, but I feel a lot better.
I don't give a shit.
And I haven't been working out.
I went to the gym once...
And I just sat in my car and read us weekly.
Anything else you want to talk about?
When mom dies, Paul's coming.
I want him here, so Paul's coming.
Hi, Joanne! Can you see me?
Hi. We can see you, hi!
Can you see me, guys?
Yes, we can see you, Patti, just talk!
Can you see me?
Yes, just talk. Just say anything.
What's wrong? Other than, can you see me.
Can you see me, all of you? Mm-hm.
Oh, Joanne, look at you! You look beautiful!
Thank you.
Joanne, Fletcher's here! Steve... that's funny.
Love those. Joanne, I forgot to tell you!
I'm glad that I didn't heal you with that wand.
That pastor's in prison now, computer scam or something.
I don't want to hog this...
Because everyone's been wanti" to say hi to you.
Hi, Joanne!
Hey! Bride, the blushing bride!
Hi! You look so pretty.
Wait, what was that?
Joanne said you look so pretty. You look so pretty.
Joanne wants you to know how gorgeous you look.
Oh, thank you, thank you, so do you!
I dressed up for your wedding.
She's all dressed up. She's got her party dress on.
Oh!
She's wearing that 70's dress from new year's.
With the boots, remember the white boots?
She just wanted to get dressed up.
Oh! Hey! It's Lynne! Is that you? It is you!
Hi. Hi! It's Lynne!
I like your hair. What?
Joanne... she likes your hair. She likes your hair.
Your hair, yes, it's short.
Your hair. Your hair.
What? Is this a movie?
What are we looking at?
Hi, grandma and grandpa.
Who's that?
That's grandma and grandpa.
Get in, so she can see. It's too many people.
Hi! Hi, mom!
Oh, Becc, you look so beautiful.
She says you look so beautiful.
Thank you, mom, you do, too.
I wore my new year's dress.
Okay, Joanne, we gotta get seated.
I love you, mom, I'll see you tomorrow.
I love you the whole world, Beccah.
Say bye! Bye!
Say goodbye, everybody!
Bye! Bye! Bye!
I love you! Miss you!
Pastor to have and to hold, from this day forward.
In sickness and in health.
So long as you both shall live? I do.
Then with the power vested in me, by the Lutheran church...
And the state of Minnesota...
I pronounce you husband and wife.
So you may kiss the bride.
It's really nice out.
I might just sit down just for like a minute.
Yeah.
Mom?
You're okay. It's okay, you're okay.
Help me up...
Use my arm. David, I was trying to...
It's okay, it's okay. It's okay, it's okay.
You're okay. You're okay.
That scared me.
You're okay. I feel so embarrassed.
It happens.
I'm embarrassed. Don't be.
Oh, David, at the wedding, they saw me...
They saw me and they felt bad for me, I got so confused.
I don't want to do this anymore.
I hate that this is happening to you.
I'm tired. I don't want you to think I'm giving up.
No, if it's time for you to rest, we want you to rest.
I tried so hard. I know, you did.
Thank you for coming here. So nice of you to come here.
I know it's hard for you.
I really appreciate it.
Paul and I broke up.
I know.
It's okay.
And I didn't get that job, but I promise I'm gonna be okay.
You don't have to worry about me.
I don't worry.
There's something else that I'm working on...
And I know my apartment is small, but I'll be okay.
No, yeah.
Just see your sisters.
What?
I used to be so scared you'd all forget about me.
But I walked by the pictures of the three of you...
And I see me in each of you.
So I know that you won't forget about me...
Because I'm right there in all your faces.
We could never forget about you.
That's nice.
When you miss me and you want to see me...
You just come home and see your sisters.
You gotta be good to them, David.
Take care of them. Be a good big brother, okay?
They're your sisters.
I promise, I will, I'm sorry.
Nothing else matters.
I will, I promise. See your sisters.
It's very important. I promise, I will.
Nothing else matters.
I promise.
You have such a big heart.
I love you.
Take care of them, okay? Because they're your little sisters.
I will, I promise, I promise.
Oh, she's gone. She's gone.
We love you.
We love you so much.
I love you. I love you.